Reid Mihalko of

www.ReidAboutSex.com presents…

Battling
The 8-Armed
Octopus of Jealousy
Official Follow-Up Compendium*
(*a fancy way of saying “notes and exercises”)

Notes, useful workbook exercises and resource list

designed to anchor the concepts and ideas
covered in the eCourse
Battling The 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy

Reid Mihalko, Sex and Relationship Educator • [email protected] • www.ReidAboutSex.com

Battling The 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy Compendium

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko
Welcome and Thank You!

This teleclass is the product of numberous discussions on jealousy between me and my

good friend and peer Dr. Beth.

Jealousy is often explained as a construct, as a complicated set of thoughts and emotions

and sometimes behaviors that are so diverse that scientists can’t even agree on one
definition of the term.

There’s a lot of research on jealousy but each researcher defines jealousy in his/her own
way and studies it accordingly, focusing on the particular way they identify and define
jealousy. From these different studies and various findings, it’s possible to look at
jealousy as a set of possible factors. Just like being itchy can be caused by several different
contributors (poison ivy, allergic reaction, scratchy clothes, skin infection, stress reaction,
overheating), jealousy has different contributors or factors.

Dr. Beth and I whittled the list down to eight major factos or “arms,” hence the Octopus
of Jealousy. And, in this “model” of jealousy, these factors can exist to varying degrees
in each person. Just like some people are strongly effected by new laundry detergent and
instantly break out in hives, and someone else isn’t bothered at all, some jealousy factors
effect people very strongly and don’t effect others.

There are people who have all the jealousy factors present in huge degrees, some people
who only have a few of them showing up, and some rare people who don’t have any of
them at all. Each person is different. In this approach, we’re not saying “this is the way”
of understanding and dealing with jealousy, but just a way.

We hope that our way of understanding and working with jealousy helps you tame the
Green-Eyed Beast!

Yours in self-expressed relationships,

Reid

Reid Mihalko, Sex and Relationship Educator

[email protected]
www.ReidAboutSex.com

Battling The 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy Compendium

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko
 Table of Contents
Notes, useful workbook exercises and resource list ........................................................... 1!
designed to anchor the concepts and ideas ......................................................................... 1!
covered in the eCourse ........................................................................................................ 1!
Battling The 8-Armed Octopus of Jealousy........................................................................ 1!
Welcome and Thank You! .................................................................................................. 2!
A Quick Overview of the Jealousy’s 8-Arms… ................................................................. 4!
8 Arms of Jealousy...................................................................................................... 5!
Call 1 – Possessiveness/Control & Insecurity .................................................................... 7!
Arm 1: Possessiveness/Control (Feeling Special) ...................................................... 7!
Arm 2: Insecurity In the Relationship ......................................................................... 8!
Call 2 – Loss, Rejection and Loneliness ........................................................................... 10!
Arm 3: Loss or Fear of Loss ..................................................................................... 10!
Arm 4: Rejection ....................................................................................................... 11!
Arm 5: Loneliness ..................................................................................................... 11!
Call 3 – Fairness vs. Equity & Envy’s Feelings of Inferiority and Scarcity..................... 13!
Arm 6: Fairness vs. Equity........................................................................................ 13!
Jealousy vs Envy .............................................................................................................. 14!
Arm 7: Self-concept/Feelings of Inferiority (Envy) ................................................. 15!
Arm 8: Longing/Scarcity (Envy) .............................................................................. 16!
Call 4 – De-Triggering Your Triggers & Working with Your Partner’s Triggers ........... 17!
The 8-Arms of the Continuum that is the Octopus!.................................................. 17!
Solutions for Dealing with Jealous Partners or a Jealous- Self: ............................... 17!
Cognitive vs. Behavioral........................................................................................... 18!
Jealous Partners:........................................................................................................ 19!
Avoid or Self-Regulate: ............................................................................................ 20!
Resources .......................................................................................................................... 21!
Websites: ................................................................................................................... 21!
Books: ....................................................................................................................... 21!
How to reach Reid Mihalko: ............................................................................................. 21!
Biography.......................................................................................................................... 22!

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 3 ReidAboutSex.com

 A Quick Overview of the Jealousy’s 8-Arms…

If we go with the idea that jealousy is an octopus what would the 8 Arms or
factors be? There are actually some answers to this question that come right out
of scientific research, though no scientist has ever called jealousy an octopus as
far as I know.
1. Possessiveness/Control (Feeling 5. Loneliness
Special) 6. Fairness/Equity
2. Insecurity 7. Self-concept/Feelings of Inferiority
3. Loss (Envy)
4. Rejection 8. Longing/scarcity (Envy)

Not everyone is effected equally by all eight arms. Some people are at one end of
the spectra, some aren’t tuned to some of the arms at all. You can think of each
arm as a continuim, and you might be anywhere along it. You might find
yourself reacting strongly to one “arm” and hardly noticing another.

Each of these arms can be influenced by the other arms. Just like eating a few
strawberries might not break you out in hives, but strawberries combined with
too much sun or that new soap might push you over the edge, combining a few
arms may cause you to break out in jealousy at unexpected times.

Like a Ven diagram, you may not experience a lot of jealousy until a few arms
get triggered. Combinations of triggers that, when pushed one at a time, don’t
trigger anything, when hit together in certain combinations, much like a musical
chord, can have you feeling jealousy.

• What is your chord for jealousy? What two or three or more triggers in
combination will set you off?
• This approach can be used to identify triggers for other emotions, too.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 4 ReidAboutSex.com

 Like anger, for instance.
• How many of these arms get pulled for you?

As we go through these tentacles, if you’re asking yourself, “How can such-and-

such be a trigger in and of itself?” or if one arm just doesn’t make sense, then
there’s a good chance that it’s probably not a trigger for you. Or in this
circumstance, it isn’t a trigger for jealousy unless it’s combined with other
trigger(s).

For example, insecurity might not be a trigger for you alone, but when it’s
combined with rejection, then the combination triggers feelings of jealousy for
you.

If your partner doesn’t “get” what’s true for you in regards to jealousy, it’s very
possible that your triggers aren’t triggers for them, and they literally do not get
and cannot undersand why that trigger is a trigger for you.

8"Arms"of"Jealousy"
Possessiveness/control
• How possessive do you feel of your partner(s)?
• If you didn't feel like you were in control of the situation, what would that
feel like? Why would that be a problem? What would be difficult about
that for you?

Insecurity
• How secure or insecure does the relationship feel to you?
• How likely do you think it is that your relationship is going to fall apart?

Loss
• How much do you fear loss, or perceived abandonment?
• How scary is change for you? Does it feel like loss? Does something
leaving your life create a void?
• If such-and-such were to leave your life, how would that make you feel?

Rejection
• To what extent does rejection feel like an assault on your self-worth?
• If your relationship ends and your partner leaves, what do you make that
mean about you?

Loneliness
• How much do you enjoy being alone?
• What is the problem with you not being with your partner?
• Would you get jealous if you had other plans?
• How much of what you request in your relationships is motivated by not
wanting to be alone?

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 5 ReidAboutSex.com

Fairness
• To what extent do you emphasize or value concepts of fairness, equity and
justice and to what extent do you define those things as synonymous with
parity or sameness?
• How much does fairness need to look like equality or parity?
• What do you think is fair? How do you perceive of justice?

Self-concept/Feelings of inferiority (Envy)

• How much is your self-concept influenced by social comparison?
• How do you come up short when you compare yourself to someone else -
It's what you don't have or what you aren't?

Longing/scarcity (Envy)
• How much do you long for things you might not have?
• Why do you need/want that?
• If I don't have X, then I feel _______ or I make it mean ______________?

Note: Scarcity and Self-Concept are different triggers of envy

Why$Knowing$Your$Triggers$is$Important$and$How$Triggers$Work:"
Be aware that your community, family or friends might put more value or
judgment on some triggers over others. One arm is not “more better” than the
other. Whatever your trigger is for you is your trigger for you and that’s all. No
value judgements.

In these calls, I’ll be covering the eight arms of jealousy and giving you three key
steps to empower your relationships and smooth the bumps of jealousy out.
They are:
1) Knowing your trigger(s).
2) Helping you understand what to do with that knowledge.
3) Teaching your partner(s) about your trigger(s) and how to help you feel
secure.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 6 ReidAboutSex.com

 Call 1 – Possessiveness/Control & Insecurity

Arm"1:"Possessiveness/Control"(Feeling"Special)"

• How possessive do you feel of your partner(s)?

• How important is the need to feel special to your partner?
• If you didn't feel like you were in control of the situation of feeling special,
what would that feel like? Why would that be a problem? What would be
difficult about that for you?

Each of these arms is a continuum This isn’t a black and white situation. People
feel different levels of special. It isn’t that you need to feel special and distinct, or
you don’t.

It’s more like your jealousy can exist anywhere on the arm of the tentacle. You
might need to feel very special when it comes to physical intimacy, and you
don’t care at all if your partner has pet names for those dear to him. Or it might
be fine for him to sleep with lots of other people, and really not okay with you if
he calls them sweetheart.

So look at what areas are important to you and how big a dose helps you feel
secure in each area. “How special to you need to feel, how special do you need to
be?” and not that you need to feel special or that you always need to feel special.

• How special do you need to feel? How distinct do you need to feel to your
partner?
• How important is feeling special to you?
• How important is “feeling irreplaceable” is to you?
• How much do you need to feel like you’re in the driver’s seat, and/or in a
unique position?
• How much do you need to feel like you’re “not like the others?”
• Are pet names and phrases and actions shared between you and your
partner “sacred” to you and shouldn’t be shared between anyone else?

If you need to feel very distinct and put in a very special place, it would be hard
to be with someone who, by the way they approach or think about relationships,
doesn’t automatically fulfill your need or “hit that special button.”

This can also show up in regards to children and careers. If you have a
particularly strong need to feel special, than a child getting the special slot or a
co-worker getting more attention could trigger your jealousy.

If you don’t have a particularly strong need around this area, then this area isn’t
going to be so much of a problem for you.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 7 ReidAboutSex.com

Your trigger might be Feeling Special when ___________________________.

Needing to Feel Special To Do’s:

Getting clear on what “feeling special” means to you and what you need to feel
special and/or what feeling special to your partner would look like/sound like?

• List five things that would prove to you that your partner holds you in a
unique position and/or in special regard?
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

• On a scale from 1 to 10, how important is needing to feel special or having

proof that you’re special to you in your relationships? (circle one)
1—2—3—4—5—6—7—8—9—10

Arm"2:"Insecurity"In"the"Relationship"
This is not the same as being an insecure person. It’s the feeling or idea that your
relationship isn’t all that secure.

Insecurity doesn’t always mean that the person is insecure. You can have a very
secure person feeling insecure about an area or facet of their life.

• How secure or insecure does the relationship feel to you?

• How likely do you think it is that your relationship is going to fall apart?

The relationship isn’t reflective of how you feel about yourself, nor should it be.

If you feel like your relationship is real solid, than this probably isn’t going to be
a trigger for your jealousy.

If you feel like your relationship is more vulnerable, than this trigger could be
activated and easy to set off.

Your trigger might be Insecurity when _______________________________.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 8 ReidAboutSex.com

Insecurity To Do’s: Anything that can “secure up” or “shore up” the relationship
and have you feeling rock solid. In open relationships, some couples go into a
“trial monogamy” phase where they close the relationship, get it rock solid, and
then open it back up.

• What would make you feel like your relationship is solid?

• What would you need to see or feel or experience for it to occur to you
that your relationship has a strong foundation?
• When your relationship is feeling vulnerable or going through a tough
period, what things could you and your partner say to one another that
would reinforce the foundation of your commitment to one another?

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 9 ReidAboutSex.com

 Call 2 – Loss, Rejection and Loneliness

*Loss, Rejection, Loneliness are very close/interwoven

*Rejection is an assault on your self-worth. It's about You.
*Loss vs. Loneliness = a missing vs not liking being alone

Sometimes these three overlap and can be experienced as quite similar.

Arm"3:"Loss"or"Fear"of"Loss"

• How much do you fear loss, or perceived abandonment?

• How afraid of loss are you?
• How scary is change for you? Does it feel like loss? Does something
leaving your life create a void?
• If such-and-such were to leave your life, how would that make you feel?

Is loss a part of the organic process, the ebb and flow of life and relationships for
you? When someone close to you dies, how does that impact you? When you’ve
broken up with past relationships, how devastating was the “loss” of them in
your life? Does it occur to you as loss? Or as change or as transition and flow.

If you’re someone who believes that relationships “come and go” and that there
is a flow to life, then loss probably isn’t going to be a huge trigger for you. If
you’re someone who feels like loss creates a void and you don’t like going near
that void and you want to stay away from it at all costs, then loss is probably a
trigger.

You may feel more invested or afraid of losing some connections/relationships

than others.
If loss isn’t a huge trigger for you, it doesn’t mean that you don’t care.

Just because someone you know or are in a relationship with isn’t triggered in a
similar way as you doesn’t mean they don’t feel anything. It usually means it’s
not a trigger for them in the same way as it is for you. Or they may not be
showing their feelings around this.

Your trigger might be Fear of Loss when ____________________.

"

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 10 ReidAboutSex.com

Arm"4:"Rejection"

• To what extent does rejection feel like an assault on your self-worth?)

• If your relationship ends and your partner leaves, what do you make that
mean about you?
- If it means nothing about you, it's probably not a trigger. If you
make it mean that they left because of you, then it's probably a
trigger.
- As with all of these, it usually something/somewhere in between
for people.

Your trigger might be Rejection when ____________________.

If you can identify what you tell yourself about rejection, if you have the message
conscious in your mind, that can help you look at it more clearly. Some possible
messages are:
- I’m not good enough.
- I’m not lovable.
- I’m not pretty enough.
- I’m too bossy.
- I’m too needy.
Ask yourself what you think it means about you.

Arm"5:"Loneliness"
A vulnerability to loneliness.

• How much do you enjoy being alone? Scale from 1-10

• What is the problem with you not being with your partner?
• Would you get jealous if you had other plans?
• How much of what you request in your relationships is motivated by not
wanting to be alone?
- Making plans when your partner is on a date with a sweetie is a
short-term solution for what you should eventually be
reprogramming
- This can be more of an issue for people who identify as female,
they're changing the rules because they're trying to avoid being
alone. A woman's acculturation reinforces self-worth measured by
how well you are relating with others.
- This one is VERY culturally coded.

Your trigger might be Loneliness when ____________________.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 11 ReidAboutSex.com

Again, to reiterate…

*Loss, Rejection, Loneliness are very close/interwoven

*Rejection is an assault on your self worth. It's about You.
*Loss vs. Loneliness = a missing vs not liking being alone

Sometimes these three overlap and can be experienced as quite similar.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 12 ReidAboutSex.com

 Call 3 – Fairness vs. Equity & Envy’s Feelings of Inferiority
and Scarcity

The last of the eight arms…

6. Fairness/Equity
7. Self-concept/Feelings of Inferiority (Envy)
8. Longing/scarcity (Envy)

"Arm"6:"Fairness"vs."Equity"
To what extent do you emphasize or value concepts of fairness, equity and
justice and to what extent do you define those things as synonymous with parity
or sameness?

Parity is the state or condition of being equal, especially regarding status or pay.

Equity is the quality of being fair or impartial.

Parity and Equity are pretty much the same.

Fariness: (adj) without cheating or trying to achieve an unjust advantage, (n) in

accordance with rules and standards, just or appropriate in the circumstances

If you're the kind of person who needs to have three jellybeans if your partner
has has three jellybeans, then fairness may rank high.

Or, if you have 6 jellybeans, two rootbeer flavored and four raspberry, and
you like rootbeer and your partner likes raspberry, how do you feel about
having only two jellybeans and your partner having four?

If that “makes sense” to you, then “fairness” may not be a trigger for you.

Other questions you could ask yourself, your partner:

• How much does fairness need to look like equality or parity?

• What do you think is fair? How do you perceive of justice?
• If your partner has a date and you do not, how does that feel? If it feels
horrible, what would make it feel better?
• What do you think “fairness” is?
• Fairness in my relationships is ________.
• My relationship feels/would feel unfair when/if ____________________.

Your trigger might be Fairness when _______________________________.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 13 ReidAboutSex.com

 Jealousy vs Envy

Not quite the same as jealousy, but a close, kissing cousin to it, so much so, that
these two arms certainly belong on the Jealousy Octopus!

Scarcity and Self-Concept are actually aspects of envy, as opposed to jealousy in

the purer sense of the word. But since so many people lump the two together
with regards to identifying their emotional experiences, we did too. Having said
that, jealousy and envy aren’t quite the same thing and that can be the first
identifying distinction we discuss today.

Jealousy usually occurs as “I want to replace that person with myself.”

Envy is more like:

1. I am envious of/I envy that person who get to experience/do such and
such with you. For example, “I want to be included along with that person
and you.”

2. I am envious that you’re getting to do/having/experience such and such.

For example, “I want to experience that thing (regardless of if its you or
not with whom I have the experience with).”

*Scarcity and Self-Concept are different triggers of envy

Why is it important to understand the difference between Jealousy and Envy?

“… I got in touch with the [differences in] definition between Envy and Jealousy….
What I feel as a result of that is I feel much more secure with myself and with expressing
myself, and with how I am expressing myself.”
~Patti

Scarcity: the feeling that there is not enough, that you are lacking.

Self-Concept: the feeling that you are not enough, a “self-scarcity” if you will.

Do you feel left out because you're lacking something? - Feeling left out? Vs.
Lacking something in yourself?
- If it's in what you don't have = scarcity
- If it's what you aren't = feeling of inferiority (less than self-
concept)

You can only come up short when you're comparing yourself to others.
When you don't compare, you can't come up short.
"Less than" only exists in the context of "more than."

Questions you can ask yourself or your partner:

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 14 ReidAboutSex.com

 • Do you feel left out because you are not “enough,” that you're lacking
something internally?

• Feeling left out because you believe there isn’t enough experience/stuff to
go around for you to get a piece/taste of it?

• What's left out? YOU or an OPPORTUNITY?

o You've been excluded (not being invited) vs. missing an
opportunity (you didn't get a chance to play or experience that)

• Are you that person who wants to be invited, even to things you don't
like?
o If so, it stands to reason that when people don't invite you to things
(even to things that you know you don't like) you might STILL be
triggered.
o Does being invited/included to things, even things that you don’t
particularly like, make you feel happy or loved or “seen?”
! If so, why does it make you feel good?
! What does “being included” give you?
! What need does being included fulfill?
• Are there ways for you to get those needs met?

Arm"7:"SelfMconcept/Feelings"of"Inferiority"(Envy)"
Vulnerability to feeling inferior: Feeling inferior to your partner, or feeling
inferior to one of your partner’s other partners (if you’re non-monagamous). This
can come up in other parts of your life as well.

Questions you can ask yourself and your partner:

• How much is your self-concept influenced by social comparison?

• Does “How others see me” mean a lot to you?

• How do you come up short when you compare yourself to someone else?
o Is it What you don't have or What you aren't?
! What can you do to shore up in these areas? To lessen your
feelings of inferiority?
! In which ways/what ways do you feel less than?
• Brainstorm ways you can…
• Ask for reassurance in these areas
o From your partner
o From your friends

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 15 ReidAboutSex.com

 o Reassure yourself

Your trigger might be Feelings of Inferiority when ____________________.

Arm"8:"Longing/Scarcity"(Envy)"

The feeling of scarcity, of longing for that which you don’t have.

Questions you can ask yourself and your partners:

• On a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you long for things you might not
have?

• Why do you need/want that?

o Journaling this can help you alleviate the chatter in your head, to
get clear on whether or not you really need it or just think you need
it.
! Who taught you that you “need” that?
! What does having that “give” you or make possible for you?
! What do you get by having that?
! What is the worse-cast scenario of not having that?
! The need that gets met by having X, how could you get that
same neet met in another way?
• Brainstorm a list

• If I don't have X, then I feel _____________ or I make it mean

______________.
o Does it really “mean” ______________?
o What would be the opposite of that meaning to you?
o How could you create/what could you create that would generate
that new meaning/fulfill and nourish that more positive
meaning/need?

Your trigger might be Scarcity when _________________________________.

Jealousy Geek? Interested in hearing what other sex and relationship

experts thoughts on Jealousy? Get Reid’s Day of Jealousy podcast series
and download 6-hours of what Reid’s favorite peers and collegues’
have to say about the Green-Eyed Monster!

More info HERE: http://reidaboutsex.com/dayofjealousy/

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 16 ReidAboutSex.com

 Call 4 – De-Triggering Your Triggers & Working with Your
Partner’s Triggers

The"8MArms"of"the"Continuum"that"is"the"Octopus!"
1. Possessiveness/Control (Feeling Special)
2. Insecurity
3. Loss
4. Rejection
5. Loneliness
6. Fairness/Equity
7. Self-concept/Feelings of Inferiority (Envy)
8. Longing/scarcity (Envy)

Solutions"for"Dealing"with"Jealous"Partners"or"a"JealousM"Self:"
Admiration over envy:
Jealousy, according to some researchers, involves an entire “emotional episode,”
including a complex “narrative” (the “what you made it mean”).

- the circumstances that lead up to jealousy,

- jealousy itself as emotion,
- any attempt at self regulation,
- subsequent actions and events
- and, finally, the resolution of the episode (Parrott, 2001, p. 306).

The narrative can originate from experienced facts, thoughts, perceptions,

memories, but also imagination, guess and assumptions. The more society
and culture matter in the formation of these factors, the more jealousy can
have a social and cultural origin. By contrast, Goldie (2000, p. 228) shows how
jealousy can be a “cognitively impenetrable state”, where education and
rational belief matter very little.

Regardless of what the experts say, if the Octopus model works for you, it all
comes down to, “How do you figure out what/which arms you should be wary
of?” and what ways can we begin to address the Green-Eyed Monster when it
does “come for u?”

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 17 ReidAboutSex.com

Cognitive"vs."Behavioral"
You have two, basic options:
1. Congitive: What/how you perceive
2. Behavioral: What you do.

You can approach jealousy from the direction of Preception (Congitive), or what
you do with it (Behavioral). I actually recommend, doing both:

When my partner does this, I think this or I tell myself to think this –
(cognitive)…
o Redirecting how you think with self-talk (Literally what you
say to yourself verbally and mentally).
o Example: When they are late, I tell myself they don’t love
me, can be translated into When they are late, I tell myself I
have more time to anticipate their arrival, or to take care of
myself.

When they do this, I do this – (behavioral)

o Creating a positive experience for something that used to be
a negative trigger.
o Example: When they do X, we book special time together
and I remind myself (self-talk) that we have a date scheduled
– (behavioral and cognitive)

- What is an example of something cognitive or behavior that you could do for

youself if you had a sudden attack of jealousy?
- Try writing down a list of 5-10 congnitive things, and 5-10 behavioral things
that you could say/do for yourself. Go!

Once we identify our triggers and, looking at the unmet needs beneath them, we
begin to reveal what our jealous feelings are specifically about, we can not only
begin to address them, we can explain them to our partners so they – 1.)
Understand us better, and 2.) Can support us before and during jealousy.

Walking your partner through your jealousy triggers and strategies:

Write down the following and consider using it as a “worksheet” to introduce to
your partner what you’ve learned about jealousy and how you two can
strategize to combat jealousy together…

o The “what’s so:”

! Dear ___________, here are my jealousy triggers:
• List your top triggers and a sentence or two of examples
to illustrate them (Remember, if your partner doesn’t
share the same triggers, they may not understand at all
why they’re triggers. Don’t freak out, just keep sharing.
")

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 18 ReidAboutSex.com

 Be sure to list any “jealousy chords” if you’re aware of
•
them.
! These are what I think my needs are behind the above triggers:
• List the needs beneath your triggers and a sentence or
two describing them.
o Before I get jealous…This is how/what we can do to help prevent my
triggers from getting tripped (Coping strategies and self-regulating
your emotions).
! This is how you can help support me in these not being
triggered (Do the following below for each trigger):
• List several ways you could get your needs met solo, and
then…
• List several ways your partner could support you in
getting your needs met.
o When I’m feeling jealous… This is how/what we should do if and
when one of our triggers gets tripped (Coping strategies and self-
regulating your emotions).
! (Do the following below for each trigger):
• List several ways you could get your needs met solo, and
then…
• List several ways your partner could support you in
getting your needs met.

From these new, shared understandings, the both of you can begin to create
possibilities, agreements and solutions that were never possible before.

Note about testing things out: Your first few attempts may not work perfectly or
at all. Build into your aggreements that it’s okay to try these new support
systems and hate them or have them feel wobbly at first. It’s also helpful to frame
this approach as a social experiement that may or may not work, that way,
should you two experience dubious results, all is not lost! Congratulate
yourselves for even attempting to battle the Octopus of Jealousy, regroup to see
what adjustments you could make, and try again.

Jealous"Partners:"

If we can help identify our partners’ jealousy hot buttons, we can agree to avoid
pushing them by planning expertly and/or we can reassure our partners and
help them to cope and self regulate when they’re inevitably triggered (cause
sometimes making a mess is ok as long as we clean it up).

Ask yourself, even if you’re not a jealous person:

• What assurances do I need?
• Look to your needs/triggers to create what the “best, most powerful”
solution or anti-trigger would be (the antidote).

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 19 ReidAboutSex.com

How can you avoid and/or clean up an issue on each arm/continuum?
• Go through each arm and brainstorm answers for each with your partner.

Avoid"or"SelfMRegulate:"
Is my effort going to be put toward avoiding the triggers?

Or

Is my effort going to be put toward developing the coping mechanisms when I'm
triggered?

And

What efforts can I put toward reprogramming the strength of my triggers?

When you make wise choices in coping skills, you begin to deactivate
the triggers, which becomes the reprogramming over time.

It’s okay to not get it right the first few times – remember, dealing with jealousy
is a learning experience.

Making agreements that will avoid the triggers are usually easier in
monogamous relaitonships.

Monogamy, when it comes to jealousy, is a more sustainable relationship model

for it to just not be triggered.

When your jealousy is triggered, it might be YOUR responsibility to address

your jealousy rather than make it your partner's responsibility to AVOID your
triggers.

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 20 ReidAboutSex.com

 Resources
Websites:"
www.ReidAboutSex.com Reid’s site for resources, products,
advice, etc., on how you can become
more self-expressed in your
relationships, whatever your lovestyle
maybe!
If you teach workshops or work with
people around sex and relationships,
Reid also has resources for you, too.

Books:"

Radical Honesty: How To Transform Your Life By Telling The Truth by Brad
Blanton; Dell, 1996
Book review: “At once shocking, entertaining, and profound—this irreverent and
revolutionary book takes an honestly fresh look at how lying becomes our own
self-created hell and how telling the truth, even when it hurts, really can set us
free.”

I recommend Radical Honesty to everyone I do one-on-one and couples’ coaching

with. It’s an excellent relationship book, a fun read and worth it regardless of
what your lovestyle is like.

The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D. Chapman

I recommend this book to everyone. It’s written by a pastor, so know ahead of

time that it might have a bit of a God bent. AND, it’s awesomely useful!

The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your

Relationships by Gary D. Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas

Another EXTREMELY useful book by Gary Chapman. Helped me tons in being

able to forgive an amazing person in my life and recapture my trust in them.

How to reach Reid Mihalko:

Phone: 917.207.4554
Email: [email protected]
Website: www.ReidAboutSex.com

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 21 ReidAboutSex.com

Biography

Reid Mihalko: Reid Mihalko helps people create

more self-esteem and greater health in their
relationship and sex lives, no matter what their self-
expression of those happen to be.
Reid’s workshops and coaching programs have
been attened by more than 40,000 individuals from
myriad walks of life, orientations, relationship
styles, countries and religions. Known for his
charisma, wit and emphasis on integrity, Reid
travels the country teaching, coaching, consulting
and collaborating. He has been a writer and
producer on a number of films and television
projects about sex and relationships, and appears
regularly in the media
Reid has been a featured speaker at dozens of
conferences on relationships and sexuality. He has also appeared on the Emmy
award-winning talk show Montel, Fox News, VH1’s Scott Baio is 45 and Single,
Showtime’s Penn & Teller’s Bulls**t!, Canada’s The Sex Files and SexTV, and the
short-lived Life & Style, on NPR, Sirius’ Maxim Radio and Cosmo Radio, and in
Marie Claire, GQ, People, Newsweek and The National Enquirer, as well as media
across the globe in thirteen countries and at least seven languages.

Go to www.ReidAboutSex.com for more informational products and resources

on sex, love, intimacy and those zany things called relationships!

©2008-2012 Reid Mihalko 22 ReidAboutSex.com