To Build A Home

To Build a Home
Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/18843622.
Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Category: F/F
Fandom: The 100 (TV)
Relationship: Lexa/Raven Reyes, Lexa & Raven Reyes
Character: Lexa (The 100), Raven Reyes, Abby Griffin, Octavia Blake, others -
Character
Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha Lexa (The 100), Omega Raven,
Needed to put my Lexaven feels somewhere, Commander Mechanic,
Lexaven, Lexa and Raven sitting on a tree, Smut, Eventual fluff and
smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Romance, Blood and Injury, Injured
Lexa (The 100), Caretaker Raven, Girl Penis Lexa, Sick Raven,
Caretaker Lexa
Series: Part 1 of CommanderMechanic
Stats: Published: 2019-05-16 Updated: 2021-09-28 Chapters: 21/? Words:
305454
To Build a Home
by DoneWithIt
Summary
After bleeding all over Raven, Commander Lexa kom Trikru sends her a package full of
clothes to replace the ones she damaged. Raven sends her back a thank you letter, and
before she knows it she finds herself exchanging letters with the Commander regularly.
Secretly, they both keep answering the letters out of fear of seeming impolite.
Deep down, they both love it.
or,
The one where Commander Lexa and Raven Reyes fall in love among letters, radio
conversations, late night hook ups and med bay visits.
Notes
Hey guys! This work is for all the Lexaven shippers out there, but particularly for all of
those who wanted Build me a Happy Ending to be Lexaven. The stories are still very
different, but I still did my best to keep some characteristics form Build me a Happy Ending
in this work. This work is still very much character driven, so if you are looking for a work
with one hell of plot and world building, this might not be the work for you. There is some
world building, but the characters, their growth and their relationships are still the most
important part of this story.
I have 150 pages of this work already written, but I wont post it all at once because I am
doing some editing and I am adding things here and there.
I really hope you enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments.
Also, Clarke exists in this story, but she doesn't hold much relevance, not in what I have
written so far at least.
See the end of the work for more notes

Chapter 1
Raven had been there as the Commander made her proposal, she was there as the most powerful
woman around offered them a chance to join the Coalition, to become the 13th clan, be one with
the rest of the grounders, share their resources and have a place in the political discussions that
would affect them in the long run.
Raven was also there to see Clarke’s face through all of it. The mechanic could see the strain in her
face as she tried so hard to hide her emotions, her anger, her fury at the betrayal. Raven knew that
if the Commander had come with that same proposal 3 months before leaving them at the bottom
of the Mountain things would be different, they would jump at the chance to be part of the
Coalition, but now they just looked at her with distrust, with wariness, most of all, with hate.
Raven had more than the Mountain to hate her for, and still, her logical mind knew that turning
down such an opportunity would be foolish. Raven also knew there must have been something else
behind the Commander’s offer, the grounders were behind in technology, yes, but they didn’t need
it for survival, the Skaikru had weapons to offer them, guns, explosives, and now missiles, but the
grounders didn’t want to use them, so that only left them with medical knowledge to offer. It would
take years before Abby’s knowledge really made a difference, years before she could train the
Commander’s healers, years before Skaikru’s real importance was really shown. So, why did Lexa
want them in her Coalition? Raven didn’t know and that only made her anxious.
She looked at Lexa, in all her Commander regalia except for the war paint, her eyes were clear of
emotion, they were tired, and Raven had no way of knowing if they were being honest or not, she
just couldn’t tell with someone so emotionless, but she didn’t need to stare at her too long to know
she was immensely intelligent. Raven had heard things, mostly from her time spent with Lincoln
and Octavia, some stories came from the Skaikru girl, acquired from her time with Indra, some
others came from Lincoln himself. They all portrayed Lexa as this immovable force, as this
Goddess with power so immense she had forced 12 different nations into peace. Grounder history
had been divided in two, a time before Lexa, and time after. Raven knew then that she was dealing
with no ordinary person, after all, the way Lincoln spoke about the Commander hardly sounded
like a human description.
Raven was there until the end of the Commander’s speech, she was there as Clarke asked for a
moment with her alone, and she stayed there, listening by the door as the Council room was
emptied with only the two other women inside.
“Why are you here?” Clarke said, her voice barely hiding her anger.
“I am here to offer your people the opportunity to-” The Commander was harshly cut off by
Clarke’s hand as it connected with the side of her face.
The echo of the slap resounded in Raven’s ears and she grimaced at the silence that followed.
“Do not lie to me, not again, I made the mistake of trusting you once and I won’t do so again. What
do you want with my people?” Clarke asked again.
“I understand your distrust Clarke, but my intentions are true, I-”
There was another slap and Raven wondered why the Commander was just taking it, was just
letting Clarke hurt her like that.
“Your intentions mean nothing to me; you mean nothing to me. I do not believe you and no one
should. You have no honor; you are nothing but a disgusting coward.”
“If my actions ever betray my intentions, I will face execution,” Lexa said, her voice calm and
composed like she hadn’t been abused just seconds before. “With Skaikru being part of the
Coalition I wouldn’t be able to betray you even if the opportunity was presented to me, you would
have the right to kill me and there wouldn’t be consequences.”
“I have wanted to do nothing but kill you for the past 2 months, so please, after we become the
13th clan, give me a reason to,” Clarke said, her voice a hiss of hate and anger.
“I am sorry, Clarke, I never meant to turn you into this,” Lexa said, her words and her voice oddly
soft.
Moments later Clarke was leaving the room in a rush.
Raven watched as the Commander brushed her thumb under her bleeding lip, wiping the blood
away and then fixing her coat and sash.
Raven moved away from the door, hiding in a corner and moments later she heard the
Commander’s soft steps as they moved away from the Council room, Raven took a peek at her
back, she was walking like absolutely nothing had happened.
And again, Raven wondered why someone with so much power had allowed just a girl to treat her
that way.
……………………………….
At the end of the day they accepted the Commander’s offer, there was a feast, the Trikru provided
the food, and the meat, real meat cooked expertly and the Skaikru, only used to bland tastes were
filled with happiness and content. Some of the Trikru brought instruments, Monty took out his
moonshine and in a couple of hours there were drunk Skaikru and Trikru people alike dancing
around a big fire.
Raven couldn’t stand the taste of it so she dumped her drink on the grass and looked up at the
woman sitting on the throne, back straight, eyes glowing brightly with the light of the fire, holding
the same glass of moonshine Monty had shyly offered hours ago. Raven stared at her profile, the
thin nose, the high cheeks, the small ears, and the diamond-sharp jawline, Raven looked at the
Commander’s face from top to bottom until she reached her eyes, eyes that unsurprisingly were
locked on Clarke.
The blonde didn’t deny a drink, didn’t deny bed partners either, she would take anything to forget
the Mountain, anything. And so, she was standing by the fire, dancing with another grounder
omega, someone Raven saw often. The woman was the owner of a trading spot and Clarke had
befriended her during her self-imposed exile, she came when she could and she would often wake
up on Clarke’s bed.
Raven watched as the Commander looked at them, looked as Clarke kissed this other woman, a
kiss that was all teeth and tongue, she stared at the Commander as she took in Clarke being
touched by someone else, as she threw her hair back and soft lips sucked on her neck. Raven
watched the Commander as she finally brought the glass to her lips and took a sip, her blank
expression didn’t change, not even with the disgusting drink that had just made its way down her
throat, and Raven couldn’t hold herself back from walking towards her.
Raven sat on the high platform where the Commander’s throne was located and the alpha didn’t
bother to look at her, she just raised her glass to acknowledge her presence.
“Is she the reason why you offered us a place in the Coalition?” Raven asked and only then the
Commander turned to look at her, green eyes met brown, earth on earth.
“The Ice Nation has taken an especial interest on her, they have put a bounty on her head, and
unless you belong to the Coalition I have no real reason to stop their advances, if they do kill her I
am sure your people would seek revenge and I would have to back the Ice Nation because they are
part of my Coalition, so my people would be facing a war once again, that is not what I desire for
them,” Lexa said, and Raven was once again reminded of her intelligence, of how far she could see
ahead, a visionary, she remembered Kane saying and she couldn’t help but agree.
“Must get tiring, to think about every possible consequence to every single action you take, and to
those you don’t,” Raven said and the Commander looked away, her eyes back on Clarke.
“It is my duty, and I have nothing else to worry about.”
“You know, you could have just told me that you cared about her and didn’t want to see her dead,
would have worked, too,” Raven said, and Lexa turned to look at her with a blank expression.
Raven dared her with her eyes to deny, but the Commander didn’t say anything else.
“Thank you, for protecting her, I don’t care what your reasons are as long as she is safe, she is my
friend,” Raven said and Lexa nodded.
“If you will excuse me, Raven, I have some things to take care of before the night is over.” The
Commander said, not waiting for a response before she stood up to walk away.
Raven frowned at the Commander’s sudden departure and looked ahead, at the fire, at the people
dancing around it.
She saw 2 figures pressed against a tree, it was dark and no one would really notice them if they
weren’t paying attention, but Raven was clear-minded and under the moonlight, Clarke’s blonde
hair was hard to miss.
It was also hard to not notice how the grounder’s hand disappeared below Clarke’s waistline.
Raven grimaced, wondering just how much the Commander cared about the blonde.
…………………
The next time Raven saw Lexa, the Commander was dead, almost.
She had been by the gates, watching the heavy rainfall from her secure place under one of the
watchtowers. She wasn’t supposed to be there, but she liked to watch the rain fall without the huge
gates getting in the way. That’s why she saw them first.
There was a cart, pulled by 3 horses, Indra had her hands on the reins and with her binoculars,
Raven saw the panic in her face. Indra hardly showed emotion, so that face could only mean one
thing.
Raven took the radio hanging from Miller’s belt.
“Abby, are you there? We have grounders coming, Indra looks distressed, must be the
Commander.”
“I’m on my way,” Abby said, and Raven knew she would be by the gates as soon as she could with
a stretcher.
“Tell them to open the gates,” Raven told Miller, the guy did as told and so the cart was able to go
past the gates with no trouble.
Raven went down the watchtower’s stairs and waited by the back of the cart, Indra quickly came to
meet her and banged the doors so the people inside would open the cart.
“Where is your healer?” the warrior asked, both of them getting soaked in the rain.
“She’s coming, how bad is it?” Raven asked, just as the cart was opened. “Holy shit,” Raven said,
gasping.
Lexa was sitting on the cart, three other grounders with her, 2 of them were keeping her in a sitting
position, while another kept the sword impaled on her side steady, so it wouldn’t move and so it
wouldn’t kill her. The sight was gruesome to Raven, the blade went in through Lexa’s front and out
through the back, the hilt of it pressed to Lexa’s ribs, the blade dripping black from her back.
“We would have let her die already, but we thought maybe your healer could do something, our
warriors do not usually survive wounds like this, but Heda is strong,” Indra said, and Raven could
only stare at Lexa in shock, she could only watch as she fought to breathe with a sword stuck in her
insides.
Abby came just then, some of her new apprentices pushing the stretcher behind her. The doctor
looked inside the cart and Raven saw her face go pale, a moment later she was making her way
inside.
Raven watched as she checked Lexa’s pulse, as she flashed a light into her eyes and touched around
the sword.
“Commanders die… under the trees…. Chancellor…” Lexa mumbled with difficulty, a cough
wracked her body and a spray of black blood stained Abby’s white coat. The grounders did what
they could to keep her steady, but her chest heaved with the force of the cough, making the sword
move, injure her further, tearing her apart. “Just let me… let me die… und-under… th-the trees.”
“You are not dying today.” Abby snapped, turning sharply to look at Raven.
“Get on the stretcher,” Abby ordered and Raven could do nothing but do as she had been told, she
climbed on the stretcher and waited, it took some time to get Lexa out of the cart, but at last the 2
grounders were able to pick her up in a sitting position and lift her, Abby holding the sword in
place.
“She can’t hold herself up,” Abby said, as the two grounders placed Lexa sideways between
Raven’s legs, the Commander’s side pressed to the mechanic’s front, Abby sat right in front of her,
on the Commander’s other side to keep the sword from moving as Indra and even some of
Arkadia’s guards pushed the stretcher towards the infirmary.
Somewhere along the way, Lexa’s head dropped limply forwards and Abby looked up alarmed, her
hands grabbing onto Lexa’s wrist, checking for a pulse.
“Is she dead?”
“No,” Abby said, not yet, she meant. Raven nodded and gently grabbed Lexa’s head so it would
rest on her shoulder. They made it to the infirmary and Abby kicked everyone out except for her
apprentices and Jackson.
“There’s no way it missed the spleen, with all the swelling we can be sure as soon as I take it out it
will bleed a lot. Jackson, bring everything we need for an emergency splenectomy, Jane bring all
the O- you can find, she will need blood, lots of it.” Abby said as she started cutting off Lexa’s
clothes.
She ended up bare, aside from her bloody chest bindings, pressed against Raven’s chest who was
still keeping her in a sitting position. Abby told one of her apprentices to hold the sword steady as
she cleaned up the wound site as best as she could with alcohol, then she snapped off her gloves
and put on new ones.
“Everyone ready?” Abby asked and everyone around her nodded, she looked around before
grabbing hold of the hilt of the sword.
“Wait, wait!” Raven called, “shouldn’t you put her under first?” Raven said, she could hear Lexa
softly mumbling in her ear, one of her hands clenching and unclenching around the fabric of her
jacket.
Abby seemed surprised to hear she was conscious.
“I will pull the sword now Lexa, it is going to hurt, but you are going to be okay, just stay with
me,” Abby said as she slowly but surely started pulling the sword out.
Lexa’s body tensed instantly; her forehead pressed hotly against Raven’s neck as her breathing
grew ragged, quiet moans of pain escaping past her lips.
“I know it hurts Lexa, but try not to move, I am almost done,” Abby said, pulling the sword free at
last, a river of blood started flowing out of Lexa’s wound, drenching her abdomen and Raven’s
hands. Abby and Jackson rushed to cover the wound to try and control the bleeding, but it was to
no avail, the monitors connected to Lexa started blaring and Raven felt Lexa’s tense muscles
suddenly relax. “Raven get off, now!”
Abby snapped and the mechanic scrambled out of the stretcher without thinking it twice, Lexa was
laid down on a bed, her body limp, eyes lazily open and staring at nothing.
Raven stood there, watching as Jackson sedated Lexa and then intubated her, shoving a tube down
her throat and then securing it before he set up a blood bag and attached it to Lexa’s arm.
Raven was kicked out a little later when Abby was reminded of her presence once she opened Lexa
up and heard the mechanic gasp.
Raven went straight to her room, drenched in black blood, her shirt, jacket, and pants ruined,
completely stained, she took them off, threw them to the floor and then got in the shower, watching
the blackness go slowly down the drain.
All she could see when she closed her eyes was Lexa, sword buried in her side. All she could hear
was Lexa’s voice, asking Abby to let her go, to let her die under the trees.
Raven lay in bed, eyes wide open, her brain jumbled and messy, trying not to sleep and failing.
She dreamt of black blood and agony.
Later she realized they were one and the same.

……………………….
A week came and went, Lexa was still in Arkadia, intubated, a machine breathing for her keeping
her alive.
“How did you know she would accept our blood?” Raven asked as Abby continued to check on the
Commander, the doctor was leaning over Lexa, shining light into her eyes, checking for pupillary
response.
“I didn’t,” Abby said, and Raven looked up, she had been staring at a long-jagged scar on Lexa’s
forearm, wondering how it had gotten there. “She lost too much blood, would have died without a
transfusion, if her body rejected the blood then she would have died either way. All the people with
Nightblood are in Polis, she couldn’t wait that long.”
Abby opened the front of Lexa’s hospital gown and Raven could only stare at the massive cut
Abby had made vertically right in the middle of her abdomen, right under the sternum and past the
belly button. The wounds where the sword had gone in and out were also covered, carefully
stitched, Raven watched as Abby cleaned them all.
“Why isn’t she awake yet?” Raven asked watching Abby’s shoulders tense, the doctor looked
around and lowered her voice.
“She slipped,” Abby whispered and Raven’s eyes widened.
“Like into a coma?!” Raven said and Abby glared at her.
“Lower your voice, Raven.”
“Why the hell are you keeping it a secret? Why is she in a coma to begin with?”
“She went into cardiac arrest during surgery, the brain needs a lot of oxygen to keep itself working
accordingly, it took some time to get her back, the oxygen deprivation must be the cause of this,”
Abby said. “I can’t tell the grounders that she may never wake up if I do, they will execute her,”
Abby said, frowning deeply and lowering her head. “I should have let her go during surgery.”
“What are you talking about?” Raven asked, trying to put down her concern.
“The man standing by the door, Titus, he is the protector of the Commander spirit, he makes sure it
passes to its next vessel. He asks me constantly why the Commander hasn’t woken up and when
will she do so, he says that I am only prolonging her suffering and trapping the spirit. He said the
Commander has until next week to wake up, if she doesn’t, he said I must unplug her.” Abby said,
covering Lexa’s injuries carefully, closing her gown and then tugging the blankets up so they
covered the Commander’s shoulders.
“That’s bullshit!” Raven said, outraged.
“Those are their beliefs, and their leadership system is based on it, we can do nothing to stop them
if that happens,” Abby said, looking down at Lexa with dark eyes before squeezing Raven’s
shoulder and leaving the room.
Raven looked down at Lexa, she had come to visit every day, which allowed her to notice that no
one else did, she wondered then if the Commander had a family, if she did they were complete
assholes, Raven preferred to think so, no one, not even the Commander deserved to be so alone.
Raven thought that maybe that’s why she always visited, because everyone had someone, except
her, except the Commander.
A week and a half passed, Titus deadline was just around the corner and the Commander was still
unconscious.
“Raven…” Lexa choked out and the Mechanic’s eyes snapped up to look at her face. Lexa’s eyes
were hazy, half open, staring at the Mechanic.
“Hey, Commander, how are you feeling?” grabbing her radio and paging Abby before the other
woman could respond.
“Raven…” The Commander repeated, her eyes fluttering closed and then taking a long time to
open. Raven looked at her worriedly.
“Yes, I am here,” Raven said, as the Commander stared up at her. “Are you in pain?”
“Hurts.” She said, clutching her eyes shut, Raven wondered what was taking Abby so long.
“That happens when you lose one of your organs, but you are going to be fine, okay?” Raven said
and the Commander’s head tilted down in a nod.
“Okay.”
……………………………………..
Eventually, Titus realized the Commander wouldn’t die and went back to Polis, Raven continued
visiting, she had taken to help Abby get the Commander back on her feet, take her on small walks,
first around the infirmary, then around Arkadia, then around the grounds outside. It took the
Commander time, and Raven could feel the frustration pouring out of her.
“You are doing lots better; you should stop brooding,” Raven said as the Commander took a small
break leaning against a tree.
“Why are you helping me?” Lexa asked, and Raven was surprised, her conversations with the
Commander consisted mostly of monologues, Lexa accepted her help, but she wasn’t much of a
talker, Raven wasn’t surprised.
“Seems like no one else is available to do it,” Raven said shrugging. “Your family didn’t come to
visit.”
“I don’t have a family,” Lexa said and Raven nodded respectfully, she had figured out as much.
“Me neither.”
“I am sorry, Raven.” The Commander said, and the honesty in her eyes surprised the Mechanic.
“Are you sorry for yourself, too?”
“No, Commanders don’t have families, but people like you do, and they should, makes them
happy,” Lexa said.
“You ordered the execution of the last family I had,” Raven said, her tone bitter, Lexa looked up at
her, face blank.
“I know.”
“Do you even care?” Raven asked, glaring at the Commander, while the other woman simply
looked back at her, a hand in her sensitive abdomen, beads of sweat trailing down her temple from
exertion.
“He was a murderer and my people deserved justice; however, I do care that it pains you,” Lexa
said and Raven’s eyes widened just slightly in surprise.
“There are other ways to enforce justice.”
“Not in that situation,” Lexa said, and Raven saw in her face that she really needed to sit down.
“When you killed 300 of my warriors, I didn’t seek revenge, they died in battle, that happens, your
people were provoked, they were defending themselves, and it is only human to fight back, to fight
to live. When Finn killed 18 members of one of my villages, elders, children, he hadn’t been
provoked, we weren’t at war, he just shot them to death with no valid reason, that act had no
justification, there is no way to understand it, it was just mindless murder.” Lexa said slowly and
Raven knew each and every word was nothing but the truth. “I couldn’t let that go unpunished
Raven, and I understand if you hate me for it, however, you must know that I did not take pleasure
in his death, and I do not take pleasure in the pain it caused you.”
Raven nodded and slowly walked Lexa back to camp, not saying anything else.
Days later Lexa went back to Polis and Raven was left alone.
…………..
Raven’s day was good, perfect, as routinary as it could possibly be in Arkadia, but then the radio
attached at her hip came to life.
“Raven, can you please come to the gate.” Miller’s annoyed voice echoed in the air around her.
Raven frowned.
“Why? Is it malfunctioning again?” Raven asked, the gate had been giving them some issues lately
and that was something to worry about, if they were attacked, they needed that gate to open and
close when they needed it to.
“Nothing like that, some grounder came with a package for you, she refuses to leave it with us and
says she was told she could only give it to you,” Miller said and Raven’s frown only deepened,
who would send her a package?
“A package? Who would send me anything? There must be some kind of mistake.”
“Believe me, we already went through this with the woman. She says she has a package for Raven
Reyes Kom Skaikru, the box she brought even has your initials carved on it.” Miller said and
Raven finally stood up from the bench she was sitting on.
“Okay, I am on my way.”
When Raven made it to the gates, she found Miller and Bellamy standing by with two gonas, one
of them was holding a wooden chest and refused to give it to Bellamy or Miller, who were asking
them to open the chest so they could see inside of it.
“This chest will be opened only by the one called Raven Reyes, no other will touch it. Heda’s
orders.” The gona said just as Raven got close enough.
“Heda’s orders? The Commander sent this?” Raven asked, even more, surprised as she glanced
from the chest to the gona’s face.
“You are Raven Reyes.” The woman said with doubt in her voice, the gona next to her, a man,
pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and gave it to the woman who upon seeing it nodded
and took a step closer to Raven. “Heda sends this for you, I will carry it for you to your quarters.”
“But why did the Commander send this?” Raven asked and the woman just looked back at her
intensely, her head tilting to the side slightly as if she found the question stupid.
“I do not question Heda, I deliver things for her.”
“Okay,” Raven said, trying not to annoy the woman further and feeling excitement fill her inside,
she was dying of curiosity to know what was in the box. Raven took a step forward to take the
chest from the woman’s hands, but she didn’t let her take it.
“I will carry it for you inside. Heda’s orders.” The gona said and Raven knew she wouldn't budge,
so she didn’t bother and started her walk back to Arkadia.
Once they made it to her room Rave told the gona to put the chest on her desk and the woman then
walked back towards the door.
“I shall stay until you see what’s inside and determine if you are satisfied or not.”
“Okay,” Raven said, closing the door and trying not to think about how weird everything was.
She walked towards the desk and took her time to take in the beautiful carving on the top of the
box, two birds were flying, wings spread, they came from the sides and stopped on the middle of
the box, barely an inch separating them before touching. Below them and towards the edge of the
box were Raven's initials. The carvings looked perfect, beautifully done, whoever had done it had
taken some time in it and Raven imagined there must be good artists at the Capital.
The first thing Raven saw when she opened the chest was a letter folded neatly over some red
cloth.
Raven took it gently and opened it, eager to read it.
Raven,
I am sure you must find this unusual, but my intention is only to replace something of yours I
damaged. As you know, during my last visit at Arkadia I was injured and you, along with Abby’s
team of healers, helped me recover. I remember you held me in the gurney while Abby treated me
and I know the bleeding must have ruined your clothes. With the pieces I sent you I intend to
replace the damaged ones and thank you for your help, I know aiding the injured is not part of
your duties.
Send word if the clothing I sent is not to your liking, or does not fit so it can be replaced.
Farewell,
Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.
Raven’s eyebrows jumped straight to her hairline, of all the things Raven expected of the
Commander, receiving gifts from her wasn’t one of them. Another thing she didn’t expect was for
the Commander to have such nice handwriting, the letters were small, they were connected
together closely and delicately, the cursive seemed somehow elegant and just the slightest bit
sharp.
She put the letter on the desk, thinking about going back to it later when she unwrapped the red
cloth and pulled out a dark chocolate colored leather jacket, the color was rich and the smell of
leather instantly flooded her nostrils, she picked it up and ran her hand over the fabric that lined the
inside, her eyes widening as she felt the softness of it, she had never touched anything as soft or
smooth, the quality of it was like nothing she had ever seen before. She put it on and only then did
she notice the bird carved over the top right sleeve, over the part that covered her shoulder, an
obvious representative of her name. Then she noticed that on the left side her initials were carved.
Only out of sheer curiosity Raven glanced at the letter again checking how the Commander had
written the capital r on her name and then checking the wooden chest and the jacket. It was the
same r, meaning that the Commander had carved the box and engraved the jacket herself, or at
least had gotten someone to reproduce her handwriting on the box and the jacket.
Raven didn’t think she could be more surprised than when she got the chest in the first place, but
every little detail was just pushing her into a higher level of shock, those details spoke of care and
dedication, of careful thought, things that Raven thought the Commander wasn’t capable of.
It was so comfortable, too, heavy and soft and smooth, so very warm, Raven had never had any
piece of clothing that could compare.
Without even taking it off Raven reached inside the box again, taking out two long sleeved shirts,
one was completely black and the other was a dark grey color, again, the fabric was super soft and
thicker than all of Raven’s almost see-through shirts with use. Raven didn’t remember when she
had last gotten new clothes.
She tried them on to see if they fit and then reached inside the box again. A pair of tan pants were
inside. Raven held them in front of herself and regarded the many pockets with a grin on her face,
she loved pants with pockets, they came in handy with the amount of stuff she usually carried
around. Finally, came the last item from the chest, a pair of dark-colored boots, they were the same
shade of brown as the jacket and felt just the slightest bit heavy, they seemed to be very sturdy and
just by looking at them Raven knew that they would keep her feet warm and that they would last
many years.
Raven was a little worried about the size, though. How would the Commander know what size she
was? Raven put on the boots just to make sure and was surprised to find that they were a perfect
fit, very comfortable, too.
Raven was shocked, to say the least, and moved back to the door, the grounder woman was
standing there, patiently waiting.
“Are you satisfied?” The woman asked and Raven nodded at once.
“Yes, I am. I was only wondering if I could send something back to the Commander.”
“A piece didn’t fit?”
“No, not at all. I just want to send back a thank you note.” Raven said and the woman looked at her
silently for a few seconds before nodding.
Raven walked back inside her room and grabbed a piece of paper, sitting at her desk before she
started to write.
Commander Lexa,
Saying that this was unusual is a complete understatement, this was completely unexpected.
Thanks for the clothes though, they are great and all, but there was no need to send them, it’s not
like you ruined my clothes on purpose, you were injured and I decided to help, that’s not on you.
Still, I appreciate them all the same, I didn’t have anything of this quality. The jacket is definitely
my favorite, looks really cool and I love the color and the pockets. I know it is not part of my duty
to help the injured, but somehow I got wrapped up helping you, maybe because I was by the gates
when they brought you in, everything happened really fast and after having you bleed all over me
the least I could do was make sure you did make it, had to make the ruined jacket worth it, you
know? Also, everything is not about duty, I could help, so I did, would do the same for anyone.
Anyway, thank you for the clothes, those boots look super cool, too. How did you know my size,
though? I am starting to think you might have spies within Arkadia.
Raven.
The omega signed the letter and walked towards the door, folding it neatly and giving it to the
grounder woman, who gave her a sharp nod and left.
…………………….
Unexpected things only continued to happen when the Commander send a letter in response to the
one Raven sent.
The omega was sitting with Octavia on the grass outside when the same grounder woman as before
was let inside. Miller knew that the woman wouldn’t give anything to him merely pointed in
Raven’s direction and let her through.
Raven saw her coming and stood up, meeting her halfway.
“From Heda.” The woman said and Raven nodded, taking the newest piece of parchment.
Raven held it in her hand for a second, not really knowing what to feel about it. She really hadn’t
expected the Commander to answer back, she just thought her thank you note would be it.
“Shall I wait for I response?” The woman asked her, wanting to know if she could leave or not.
Raven didn’t answer right away. Would it be an offense to the Commander to simply not say
anything back to her? Better not risk it.
“Yeah, I will try to be quick.”
“No need, Heda said I shall wait for as long as you need me to.” The woman said and Raven
nodded back to her, going back to Octavia and telling her she needed to get back to her room.
“What was that, Rae?” Octavia asked and Raven lifted her hand so she could see the letter.
“A letter from the Commander, I sent her a thank you note after a package she sent me a few days
ago.”
“Why did she sent you that package, to begin with?” Octavia asked, completely weirded out.
“Because she bled all over me and ruined my clothes, she felt like she owed me to replace them.”
Octavia hummed and shrugged her shoulders, finding the situation very odd and not knowing what
to say.
Raven walked back to her room and sat at her desk, unfolding the piece of parchment gently.
Raven,
The concept of doing something just because you can is foreign to me, everything I do is about my
duty, all my actions surround it and I am not allowed to do things outside of it. My life is my duty,
but I can understand that things do not work like this for everyone. I still greatly appreciate your
help during my recovery, I realize I might have not been the easiest person to deal with and I know
that after everything that has happened I am not someone you would be happy to help, but you still
did so, and keeping in mind the decisions I have had to make in the past I find your help even more
valuable.
I am pleased to hear the clothes were to your liking and worry not, I do not have spies within
Arkadia, I simply asked Marcus to help me with your size, I do not know how exactly he got to
obtain your measurements, but he eventually was able to give them to me.
Farewell,
Raven frowned slightly as she read the first part of the letter, the Commander was saying that she
basically didn’t have anything outside her duty, in Raven’s head that was simply not okay, and at
the same time that helped her understand the Commander’s reasoning and actions.
Commander Lexa,
I truly want to believe that there’s more to your life than your duty to your people, I mean, there’s
so much more to life than just your obligations as Commander. Aren’t there things you do just
because you enjoy them? just because they make you feel good? I really think there’s more to you
than your duty, I am sure you are not obligated to send gifts to someone who offered you help, I
want to believe that this was not some kind of protocol and that it was something you just wanted to
do to say thank you, even though it truly wasn’t necessary, I helped because I wanted to and that is
it.
Now, you weren’t a bad patient, you were just too eager to get back to work and your body just
wasn’t ready, you could have hurt yourself, I am sure if it weren’t for Abby and me, you would
have gone back to your regular activities as soon as you woke up and you would have messed up
your wound. You were really quiet too, but I don’t think that had much to do with your injury, I
have never really seen you talk much, so maybe that’s just who you are. The only problematic thing
was your refusal of pain medication, you insisted on not taking any and I am kind of glad Abby
ignored you, you were ran through with a sword… I am not a doctor, but I am sure you wouldn’t
have survived that without the meds.
Not sure I believe the spy thing, I think it would be stupid to not have eyes and ears in all the clans,
but I guess I have no choice but to take your word. I really hope Marcus didn’t snoop around my
clothes, that would just be weird.
How is the injury feeling? Hasn’t been that long since you left, weren’t you supposed to come back
for a checkup with Abby?
Raven.
She never knew how to end the letters, she figured she had to be polite, because she was speaking
to the Commander of the 12 clans, now 13, with the only person that could basically order an
execution just because they wanted to, but at the same time she wasn’t sure if maybe the
Commander was answering her letters to be polite as well, like what if she wouldn’t stop
answering until Raven stopped sending letters back to her? Raven wasn’t sure, but she knew she
couldn’t risk insulting the Commander in some way by not responding the letters, so she folded the
piece of paper up and gave it to the gona waiting outside. The gona only offered her a curt nod in
response before leaving.
……………………….
Four days later the Omega was woken up by a knock on her door, she got out of bed, stumbling
slightly after having forgotten her brace and opening the door to find the same gona that always
delivered the letters.
“I think you should tell me your name,” Raven said, not knowing how to refer to the woman.
“No.” She said, with a blank expression, offering Raven the letter. The omega took it without a
word, feeling slightly amused by the other woman, and went back inside her room. She laid down
on her bed and opened up the letter.
Raven,
There are things I’d like to do only for my personal joy, but there is no time to spare for those
things, as Heda there are always things I need to take care of and I am afraid I cannot neglect my
duty out of selfishness. My people need me and as Commander, they are the only thing I shall care
for. Sending you the clothes was not part of any protocol, I just wanted to do something for you
after I damaged your clothing, it might not have been my intention to damage them, but it happened
and I could not leave it like that. Getting the clothes was no trouble for me, I am pleased you
enjoyed them.
My refusal of pain medication did not come out of a place of stubbornness. As Commander I am
supposed to be strong always, my people could have seen my prolonged use of pain medication as
a sign of weakness, that is why when our healers treat me, I am only allowed minimum amounts of
pain medication, they offer nowhere near the relief the Skaikru medication gave me. It is known
that if my people were to find out of my state of near sedation for most of my stay in Arkadia I
could face some problems as I wouldn’t want to put Abby in a precarious position by saying she
gave me the medication against my will. I know she was only trying to offer me the best possible
care. My people would not see it that way.
The wound is healing well, it feels sensitive and slightly painful when I do certain movements, I
need to go back to training soon, so whatever pain it may be causing me will have to be ignored. I
did have a scheduled appointment with Doctor Griffin, however, right now I can’t afford the time
to make the trip to Arkadia.
I would like to let you know that I have invited the leaders of Skaikru to a celebration that will be
held in the capital when the next moon comes. I’d like to extend the said invitation to you and
whoever you might want to bring alongside you. Do not feel obligated to come, I only mention this
because I believe important that our people join under better circumstances than war. Perhaps this
way you might see that there is more to us than violence.
Farewell,
Raven frowned at most of the letter, not because the Commander had offended her with anything
she had said, but because she seemed to have a very shitty life back at Polis. She couldn’t do the
things she enjoyed to do, she couldn’t take pain medication because she would be seen as weak,
and she couldn’t really take care of herself because that didn’t seem to matter enough, Raven had
always thought of her as heartless but how could she look like normal person if her life didn’t really
belong to herself?
Commander Lexa,
I do not mean to be offensive, but that sounds like a pretty shitty way to live. I truly believe we need
to enjoy ourselves and have good times from time to time to keep ourselves sane, I mean, we need
to have something we enjoy to look forward to, if we don’t then how are we supposed to get up in
the morning? I know I can’t really understand your position because my life is nothing like yours
and I really don’t want to sound like I am giving you orders, or anything like that, but I really think
you should find the time to try and do a little something for yourself, just an opinion, though.
Now, you will have to forgive me, but the pain medication thing is completely idiotic. You are a
human being, injuries can kill you, medication can save you, that’s it. Not hard to understand at
all. The fact that your healers make you suffer on purpose just to prove your strength is just
completely awful. You won’t have to go through that if you are ever treated here again and I mean,
no one would tell your people about it, and even if they did found out we can tell them that that’s
Skaikru law, and it is the truth, Abby would have never allowed you to handle the pain on your
own with an injury like that, you would have died for sure. I think strength comes from other
places, like knowing when to ask for help, or being able to admit that you are wrong without
shame. I just think that for being the most important person around you are treated pretty poorly.
The training thing doesn’t sound great given your condition, I understand that you might not have
the time to come here, but I am sure you could speak to Abby and have her go to Polis instead, I
mean, she is our Chancellor, but there is always Marcus to stand for her if she leaves for a few
days.
I will be there and I will try to have my friends come as well, what is the celebration about?
-Raven.
Raven read over the letter a couple of times, hoping she wasn’t being impolite and after deeming it
good enough folded it up and walked back towards her door, where the gona was waiting like
usual. She gave her the letter and watched her walk away, the woman barely saying anything at all
in farewell.
…………………………….
Before Raven knew it exchanging letters with the Commander became a part of her life. She would
send a letter, it would get to Polis two days later and then after another two days, she would receive
one back.
“Thanks,” Raven said to the woman who delivered the letters, who still refused to share her name.
Raven sat on the bench at her workshop and opened the letter.
Raven,
I wouldn’t say my way of life is “shitty”, it is merely the way of life of a Commander. My way of life
allows my people to have good peaceful lives, the time I dedicate to my duty allows the Coalition to
remain steady, strong, makes the chances of war or confrontation smaller. Imagine if I turned
away, just for a moment to allow myself some joy, and something happened... The blame would be
on me, and once lives are lost there is no way to retrieve them.
My life may not be the most joyous, but why would that matter when faced against the joy of the
many?
I do agree that strength is not only physical, there are many other ways to show strength that do
not include someone’s ability to withstand pain, but the ways of my people are deeply rooted,
especially those regarding my position. I am sometimes able to move around them, but most of the
time there’s very little I can do to appease them. Pain is not something I enjoy, but if I must endure
it for my people to believe in me, then I will.
I would not like to make Doctor Griffin come here when I know she will have to make the trip for
the celebrations of Ascension Day, I believe she will be able to do the checkup then, I have been
feeling fairly well, so I see no need to have her make the trip. I’ll be sure to have her check my
wound once she comes for the celebration.
During Ascension Day we celebrate the day I became Heda. Commander’s tend to live short lives,
but thanks to the fact that Doctor Griffin was able to keep me alive last time I was injured I will be
becoming the longest reigning Commander. The celebration is for the people, keeping the same
Commander means that they get to have a sense of stability, even if the death of a Commander is
handled quickly because there are the Nightbloods ready to fill my place, the shift of powers can
still be very upsetting for some of my people.
It is good to hear you will be coming, I am sure you will enjoy Polis, as far as I know, it will be a
completely new experience for you.
Farewell,
Raven frowned slightly towards the beginning to the letter and then was surprised over the end.
Longest reigning Commander? How could that be? The Commander couldn’t be much older than
her, maybe a year or two, so how long had she been Commander? Raven couldn’t stop herself from
being curious.
Commander Lexa,
I feel like the ways of your people could get you killed, I imagine Commander’s in the past have
died because some healer refused to give them pain medication so they would prove their strength,
that could happen to you. I know I can’t and I shouldn’t do your job or tell you how to do it, but
maybe it would be a good idea for some of your people’s ways to change, after all, everyone,
including you, should get the best medical care available.
And I know why you would be unsure about turning away from your duty even for a couple of
minutes, as you say you never know when a total mess will blow up in your face, but I also think
that living like that can become tiring, exhausting. I think life needs joy and that that feeling can
drive us forwards, give us energy, make everything better. Everyone needs to stop and take a
breath sometimes, now that things are calmer among the clans maybe you could take a moment to
yourself.
I know I can’t think like a leader because I am not one, and I do find very selfless that you are so
willing to give up your own joy for your people’s, I just also think that your joy should matter, too.
I think it is unwise that you didn’t get checked when you needed to, that wound was awful and
needed a lot of care, I would have been very upset if something had gone wrong and my favorite
jacket had gotten ruined for nothing. (That’s a joke, by the way, I meant no disrespect.)
You are the longest reigning Commander? That’s really impressive, how long has it been exactly
since you took command? I mean you can’t be much older than me and people our age had never
taken places of command until we kind of were forced to by being here on our own. The death of a
Commander is handled quickly? I would have never guessed that I would assume that there would
be some kind of ceremony or mourning for the past Commander, do they just brush it off and find a
new one?
I am sure I will enjoy Polis as well, it will be cool to be in a real city, how is Polis like? I mean, I
know it is your city and you must be proud of it, but what do you most like about it?
Can’t wait to be there.
-Raven.
……………………………
A few days before they were meant to leave for Polis, Raven received another of the Commander’s
letters, she was sitting with Octavia and Harper in the dining hall when the usual gona came
towards her table and offered the letter.
“Thanks,” Raven said, as usual, not bothering to try to get the woman’s name. “Can you wait a bit
until I finish this?” Raven asked, pointing to her food. The woman looked at her like she was an
idiot and Raven was amused by it, she already knew that she had been ordered to wait for as long
as necessary.
“Yes.” She said, her tone cutting. “Heda’s orders.”
“You are still getting letters from the Commander?” Octavia asked, her eyebrows arched high in
surprise.
“You are getting letters from the Commander?” Harper asked, her expression full of shock as she
took the letter from Raven’s hands. Instantly the gona had a knife out and pointed towards Harper.
“Hey, hey, it's fine. She is not going to read it!” Raven said, taking back the letter. “Relax.”
“Shit,” Harper whispered under her breath, her heart racing.
“Sorry, only I am supposed to read them. Heda’s orders.” Raven said.
“But why are you getting them to begin with?” Harper asked as she avoided looking in the gona’s
direction, the woman was still sending daggers at her with her eyes.
“Raven helped Abby out last time the Commander was here injured, the Heda bled all over Raven,
ruined her clothes and the Commander sent a package with replacements and a letter, Raven
responded and I thought that was it, but apparently they continued with the letters,” Octavia said,
sounding slightly confused towards the end.
“I just assumed it would be impolite of me to not say thank you for the package and I do not want
to be tied to a tree and cut once again, so I figured better be safe than sorry and write her back, but
then she answered and I didn’t want to be impolite by not answering it and the same cycle has been
repeating itself till now,” Raven said, holding the letter with one hand as she scooped a bit of food
with her spoon and put it in her mouth.
“It’s been like almost two months now.” Octavia pointed out, almost at the same time as Harper
intervened.
“So that’s where the sweet jacket came from.”
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?” Raven said as she ran a hand over the bird that resided over her
shoulder.
“Rae,” Octavia said pointedly. “It’s been almost two months.”
“I know, but what can I do, I don’t want to be the one to stop answering back, what if she gets
offended by it or who knows what?”
“What if she is also answering to be polite? I mean, I’m sure she has better stuff to do than
exchange letters with you.” Octavia said and Raven rolled her eyes.
“She throws people off her tower, she is not worried about being polite,” Raven said and Harper
almost spat out her drink.
“She what?” Her comment went ignored as Raven stood from the table.
“Look, I am going to go answer this, I will see you later guys.”
Raven got to her room, took off her jacket and laid down on her bed, making sure she was
comfortable before opening the letter.
Raven,
I agree with you, everyone should have access to the best medical care available and in this
specific aspect, there need to be some changes in my people’s way of thinking. However, those
changes can only be made with time, maybe the involvement of your people, your rules and your
ways of healing will help with that.
Yes, things are calmer now, but there are certain threats that have not being placated yet. I must be
very focused, now more than ever, it is said that the calm comes before the storm, maybe that is
where we are now, merely awaiting the tempest. As Commander, I must make sure we are ready so
any kind of joy for me will have to wait. I will keep in mind your suggestion, though. Reading your
past letter was an odd experience, no one has ever shown much concern about my joy. I don’t
mean to imply that you are concerned by it, I just mean that no one has ever said that it matters at
all, not for a long time. I hadn’t thought of it either.
I took no offense with the joke, I actually appreciated it, not many dare to do that with me. I must
say reading it was refreshing, as is your manner of speech. Expressions like “total mess” or “blow
up in your face” are very unfamiliar, but also quite amusing to me. And that is not something I find
myself often feeling. So, thank you for that as well, Raven Kom Skaikru.
I took command almost six years ago, I must have been 12 or 13 summers old, now I am either 18
or 19, I am not quite sure. Yes, the death of a Commander must be handled quickly, I wouldn’t say
they “brush it off”, it is imperative for the throne not to remain empty for too long, anyone could
take advantage of the absence of a Commander to disrupt the peace. Once I die the Conclave will
be called immediately and the preparations for it will be made, at the same time my body will go to
a purification ritual before being placed in the Eternal Flame. With how close Arkadia is to Polis,
I believe your people will be able to see it, dark red smoke will rise up into the sky, letting the other
Clans know of my passing, they will light Flames of their own, so the Clans farther away may also
know. The next Commander would be chosen a day or two later, depending on how long the
Conclave lasts.
You make a hard question. I must say my favorite part of Polis is the clearing where the children
play. Before, it was too dangerous for parents to let their children out without supervision, but now
children wander around the marketplace and play together safe of any danger. Seeing them
reminds me of how things have changed and how I have played a part in that. They are happy and
full of energy; it is a wonder to see them. I can only hope to build a world in which only those who
desire it will become soldiers, and not where every single able-bodied person will have to fight in
our armies.
Farewell,
Raven couldn’t believe what she was seeing, it couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t. The Commander
was younger than her. Younger. It just couldn’t be. And why the hell wasn’t she sure about her
age? At best Raven was only ahead of her for a year, at worst she would be ahead for two, she had
just turned 20 a few months ago. And what the hell?! Taking command at age 12, or 13. Raven
didn’t even know what to feel, sadness? rage? They forced twelve-year-olds to kill each other to
see who would get the throne. That was just barbaric and disgusting.
Raven sat in her bed, trying to will her heart to beat in a regular rhythm. They forced kids to kill
each other and then the put the weight of the world in their shoulders. Raven didn’t know what to
think.
At the same time, it all made sense. The Commander’s cold demeanor, her ruthlessness, she hadn’t
had time to grow up, to figure out what she liked or what she wanted, she hadn’t had time to
become a person. She had been bred to become a leader and a protector for her people and nothing
else. Who had loved her when she was growing up? Raven at least had Finn and Mister Sinclair,
but who did the Commander have if she had been trained from such a young age? Thinking about it
only made her stomach revolt.
Raven let out a shaky breath, she couldn’t help but feel that she was seeing the Commander, her
behavior and the decisions she made under a new light.
She gathered her thoughts and sat at her desk to respond to the letter.
Commander Lexa,
I think you are right, maybe with our place in the Coalition and with Abby being a Doctor and our
leader things like that can be changed. She would never agree to not give someone the medication
they need.
That makes it sound like you are always waiting for something to go terribly wrong, that doesn’t
sound like the best way to live. It seems pretty stressful to me, or is there something going on that
makes you think that something will go wrong soon? Of course, you don’t need to answer that if
maybe it’s some top-secret Coalition thing.
I’m glad you are not offended by my jokes or the way I talk, I didn’t mean to seem rude. Must be
really boring in Polis if no one dares to joke around with you.
I would have never expected you to say that you were that young when you became Commander,
it’s truly shocking, you were just a child, you should have been playing and learning new things
and building the life you wanted. I honestly don’t even know what to think.
You played a part in that? That’s the biggest understatement I have ever heard, from what I have
gathered you are the Commander that brought peace, I know things aren’t perfect right now, but
as far as I know, this is the most peaceful the ground has ever been and that means something.
I can’t help but feel like you are not too sure about when your birthday is, is that true? You don’t
know when you were born? I really hope you do know; I happen to think birthdays are a big deal.
We will be leaving for Polis soon, so see you there, Heda.
-Raven.
…………………………
Even from far away Raven could see the tower, her jaw basically dropped as she took in how tall
and massive it was. The very top covered by clouds that barely allowed her to see the yellow and
orange flames that came from it.
The gates were opened for them and from inside the Rover Raven could see the people walking
around, children running and chasing each other with wooden swords and masks, stalls everywhere
offering products for trade. There was music also, consisting mostly of percussion sounds and
maybe some strings, the singing was loud and lively, filling the air with energy.
The Commander received them at the bottom of her tower and Raven watched as Abby and Marcus
politely congratulated her.
“How long has it been, Commander?” Marcus asked.

“Six summers now, Marcus,” Lexa said, her shoulders squared, her posture perfectly straight.
“The Commander has officially changed history.” A woman standing by Lexa’s side said and the
Skaikru looked at her with confusion.
Raven didn’t say anything, she already knew. Her eyes met the Commander’s for a second and
Raven knew she was about to downplay the whole thing.
“It is nothing important.” Lexa said, “the life span of the Commanders before me was 5 years and
9 months, I have gone past that now, lived the longest.”
“That is indeed impressive, isn’t it?” The woman said. “And it is all thanks to the Skaikru, if you
hadn’t saved Heda all those months ago, she wouldn’t have lived longer than those that came
before her.” She said, and bile rushed up Raven’s throat, she knew that the Commander was
younger than her and that she would have died without even stepping into adulthood if Abby
hadn’t managed to save her
“I am quite glad you have made it this far, Heda,” Marcus said, his face clouded with concern,
Abby looked a little green.
“Thank you, Marcus, please allow my handmaidens to take you and your companions to the rooms
that have been prepared for you. I will see you tonight at the celebration.” Lexa said before turning
around and leaving.
They later figured the woman with her was the leader of the Boat People, Luna.
………………..
“Leaving the party early, Commander?” Raven said as she struggled to keep up with the
Commander’s long strides, catching up to her just in time to take the elevator. “You are not too big
on celebrations, are you?”
“It is for my people, not for me, it means that they get to keep some sense of stability.”
“I am sorry Clarke didn’t come, I know you wanted to see her,” Raven said and the Commander
didn’t answer. They had never talked about Clarke, but Raven wasn’t stupid and the Commander
said a lot just by how she looked at the blonde.
“I know you wanted her to be family, I saw the way you looked at her, the way you let her treat
you. I know the mystery packages she has gotten come from you.” Raven said and Lexa didn’t
deny.
“I know she still struggles with the Mountain; I hoped the equipment would help, I heard she
enjoys painting.”
“They won’t help if she doesn’t know they come from you,” Raven said, not understanding why
the Commander would have such nice gestures only for the blonde to not know they came from
her.
“She won’t accept them if she knows they come from me.” Lexa said, “I don’t need her good
graces, I just wish for her to feel better.”
The elevators doors opened, the halls were empty, and Raven walked with the Commander
towards her room, they stood by the door as Raven regarded the Commander, so noble, so gentle,
so honest and so broken at the same time.
“I wish you a good night, Raven,” Lexa said, just before she turned to walk away. Raven grabbed
her arm and made her turn around.
“You deserve to feel better, too,” Raven said, a moment later she held onto the back of the
Commander’s neck and she kissed her. She couldn’t give her her childhood back, she couldn’t give
her back everything that had been taken from her, or how misunderstood she probably felt being in
a position that probably no one else could completely comprehend. She couldn’t do any of that, but
at least she could make her feel good for one night.
They stumbled into Raven’s room in a battle of tongue and teeth, Raven’s back crashed against one
of the walls and she gasped as soft lips sucked harshly at her neck. She grabbed the Commander’s
hand and pushed it against her breast, letting her know exactly what she wanted. Lexa growled in
true alpha fashion, grabbing onto the front of Raven’s shirt and pulling with both hands until it tore,
pushing her bra out of the way and then moving forwards to wrap her warm lips around a stiff
nipple and sucking, biting and tugging on it, the mechanic moaned a mix of pleasure and pain as
she held to the back of the alpha’s head, her sinful tongue playing with one stiff bud before moving
to the other.
Moments later she pulled the Commander up so she could kiss her again and then she felt it, a
hardness against her tight that made her eyes widen. Raven gasped, and Lexa moved her hands to
Raven’s pants, pulling them and her underwear down to her ankles. She later grabbed the mechanic
and guided her towards the bed, Raven didn’t have to be told what to do, she crawled on the
mattress on all fours and left her ass high in the air, inviting the powerful alpha behind her to take
her once and for all.
Raven watched over her shoulder as the Commander pulled her cock out of her pants, her walls
clenching around nothing as she saw its length and girth. Lexa pumped her cock a few times with
her hand, her cock looking heavy and painfully hard. Wetness dribbled down Raven’s opening, she
knew she would be spread like never before, filled like never before, she knew it would hurt a little
and that she would need time to adjust, having never taken anything even remotely close in size,
and all of that only made her more excited.
Lexa held onto her hips, letting the head of her cock press against Raven’s opening.
“Do you want this?” Lexa asked, not daring to move until she heard a clear expression of consent.
“Yes,” Raven said, and a moment later Lexa forced all her throbbing length inside of Raven. The
process was slow, bordering on delicate. The Commander knew exactly the damage she could
cause if she didn’t do it gently. This allowed the omega to feel her fully, the head of her shaft, it’s
thickness and how every inch spread her apart. The mechanic groaned low when it was all the way
in, she had never felt so overwhelmingly full, a string of moans and whimpers flowed past her lips,
her walls clenching and fluttering around Lexa’s twitching cock just as the Commander started to
move.
Her pace seemed hesitant, carefully controlled to assure the omega wouldn’t feel any pain, and so
Raven started a quiet chant of harder, faster and more, until the Commander’s thrusts became
powerful and brutal, just like Raven needed them to be. The Commander held onto Raven’s hips
with extreme force as she drove her hips to the mechanic’s backside as hard as she could, hearing
the omega beneath her shout in pleasure every time she drove her hips up.
The warmth and the tightness of Raven’s cunt was better than anything Lexa could have ever
dreamed of, she leaned down, placing bruising kisses on the mechanic’s back, reaching a hand
down to play with her clit, nudging it with her fingers fast and hard, feeling Raven’s body shake
and her walls convulse around her. Only when Lexa wrapped her teeth around the skin where
Raven’s shoulder met her neck and bit down did the Mechanic come, her voice getting lost in a
scream as her walls clenched as hard as they could around the Commander’s cock. Hot jets of cum
splashed against her walls and the sensation of it pushed Raven into another orgasm, her arms gave
out from under her and she fell down on the bed, whimpering and shaking as Lexa lazily pumped
her hips against her backside to help her ride her orgasm.
She could feel it, she could feel Lexa’s hot breath on the back of her neck, she could feel her cock
as it was pushed in and out of her cunt lazily, slowly, until Lexa finally pulled away completely,
her strong arms gently picking Raven up and laying her down on the bed. The mechanic hadn’t
even managed to take off her jacket, the remnants of her shirt were hanging around her shoulders,
her bra still pushed up by her collarbones.
There was a moment of quiet as Lexa lay on the bed beside her after taking off her pants, her
underwear and her coat, leaving her only in her undershirt. They were still breathing hard, eyes
closed as they tried to bask in the afterglow of their climax just a little longer.
“Did I hurt you?” Lexa asked, at last, knowing she had been a lot rougher than necessary, that she
had been harsh and that she could have hurt the Skaikru girl.
“In the best of ways,” Raven said, a lazy smile on her face as she reached down to cup her aching
center, her fingers met her wetness joined with Lexa’s and she hissed, she would be sore for a little
while.
“I apologize; I didn’t treat you properly. I am not usually this unkind.” Lexa said, sounding
ashamed and Raven opened her eyes to look at her.
“Don’t say that. I liked it and I asked for it.” Raven said, her voice low and hoarse, her fingers
slowly rubbing at her clit. The Commander watched looking back at her with dark eyes. Raven saw
her flaccid length start to harden once again. “You can do it again if you want,” Raven said,
reaching down to touch Lexa’s cock, her hand could barely close around it.
“You are sure?” The Commander asked.
“Yes,” Raven said and the Commander moved in, kissing her hard, letting their tongues meet,
sucking on Raven’s bottom lip as she let her hand trail down and press tight circles on the omega’s
clit.
Lexa trailed kisses down her chest and abdomen, placing special attention to her hip bones, sucking
and biting them until Raven was begging her to get just a little lower.
Lexa made Raven cum on her tongue and then she made her come again, fucking her as hard as she
had done before.
………………………..
Raven was staring a little, she just couldn’t stop herself. The Commander had stood from the bed in
search of something to help clean themselves up. So Raven was able to watch the round, tight
muscles of her ass and then the well-defined lines of her back. Raven didn’t even know a back
could look like that, she didn’t even know those muscles existed, but the Commander had them and
the two dimples that appeared low on her waist only served to force her to squeeze her legs.
Raven didn’t think things could get any worse, but then the Commander came back, carrying a
water basin and a few towels, her well-chiseled abs, all six of them, seemed to be carved delicately
onto her skin, well defined and rippling under her skin. Raven didn’t even dare to look down,
knowing what she would have found there, having had it inside of her just moments ago. Instead,
her gaze went up, a pair of beautiful breasts, a long-corded neck, a diamond-sharp jaw, a thin nose,
a pair of elegant cheekbones and then, like the cherry on top, a pair of the most brilliant emerald
eyes Raven had ever seen. The Commander was definitely the hottest alpha Raven had ever
encountered and the fact that she smelled so good didn’t really help matters. Raven felt achy and
sore, but she wanted her again, and again and again. She suddenly felt very hot, very empty, and
she wanted the Commander back inside of her.
“Raven, you are entering heat.” The alpha said, sounding slightly concerned. She moved forwards
and dabbed at Raven’s sweaty forehead with a cool cloth. Raven sighed, that felt really nice.
“Heat?” Raven said, confused. She knew what heat was, but she wasn’t supposed to go through it,
the implant in her arm was supposed to block it until she was 21.
“Yes, should I get your healer? I can get you somewhere safe where you will be comfortable, no
unwanted alphas will come near you. If I had known I wouldn’t have allowed this to happen, it was
not my intention to take advantage.” The Commander said and Raven frowned.
“You didn’t take advantage of me, I wanted this. It was just sex; it is something I enjoy doing.”
Raven responded and the Commander visibly sighed in relief. As soon as she had smelled the faint
scent of omega entering heat she had put as much distance between them as she could. She had to
control herself and ensure that the omega in her bed would be safe and that no unwanted alpha
would take her without consent, she wouldn’t allow it.
“In that case, I could bring alphas for you to choose from, so you might find someone you fancy to
fulfill your heat.” The Commander said and Raven frowned again. She had just slept with the most
powerful alpha around; she knew her omega wouldn’t take anything less.
“You were doing that just fine, at least that you don’t want to help me out?” Raven said tentatively,
her core was starting to ache, her walls fluttering around nothing as arousal seemed to cover the
inside of her thighs. She couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it, not when the Commander was so close,
looking the way she did, smelling so good, and besides that, being so gentle in the way she wiped
the sweat off of Raven’s collarbones.
“It might be unwise; I have never shared a heat with an omega before.” The Commander said and
Raven’s eyes widened. The Commander was attractive and the most powerful alpha around,
omegas and even betas probably threw themselves at her all the time, and she somehow hadn’t
shared the heat with any of them? What about past lovers and partners? Did she even have them?
“Just now, did you enjoy yourself? Or was that something that you didn’t want?” Raven asked,
straight and to the point.
“I did enjoy it.” The Commander said. “What I don’t want is to make you feel used.” She said and
Raven knew by the look in her eyes that she was being honest. Raven was surprised by her actions
once more, why did she even care? Most alphas she knew would jump at the chance to sleep with
an omega, heat or not, most of them also felt like it was an omega’s duty to fulfill their needs. They
always fucked them like they wanted to and then left, not much thought behind it.
But there it was, the most powerful alpha in the 13 clans, worried about how she felt. It didn’t
make any sense and Raven had to hold back the urge to laugh.
“If you helped me during my heat, it would be me using you, don’t you think?” Raven said, and
the Commander didn’t say anything else, she seemed thoughtful. “I don’t want to spend my heat on
my own, and I don’t want to have some unknown alpha with me.”
“I believe Bellamy came to the capital as well.”
“Already did that, don’t want a repeat,” Raven said, grimacing slightly. Bell had been fine, overly
fast and a bit disregarding of her needs, but it had been fine. He was no Commander Lexa, that was
for sure.
The Commander seemed to take the words the wrong way. Raven watched her jaw clench and her
hands turn into fists around the clothes she had been using to wipe the sweat off Raven’s skin.
“Did he hurt you?” The Commander said, a clear threat in her voice. Raven knew by her rage-filled
eyes that she was ready to rip Bellamy’s throat out depending on what Raven told her.
“No, he didn’t hurt me,” Raven said, waiting for the Commander’s expression to relax before she
elaborated. “He is just not the most considerate lover I’ve ever had.”
“And knowing everything I have done do you still want me to help with your heat?” The
Commander asked. And maybe any other day Raven would have thought better of it, maybe if she
wasn’t entering heat she wouldn’t have even ended up in the Commander’s bed, but she was in
heat, and as the Commander spoke all she could think about were the tiny drops of sweat that were
trailing down the valley between her breasts and then lower towards those hard abs. Warmth
gushed from between her legs and Raven gasped, the Commander’s shaft was coming to life right
before her very eyes. Her insides burned for it and all her omega did was scream inside her head,
asking why that shaft wasn’t inside of her already.
“All I can think right now is what I want you to do to me,” Raven said, carelessly throwing the
basin to the floor and laying down on the bed, her legs wide open. “You enjoyed yourself and we
both know that’s something you never do, so just come here and take me. That’s what I want.”
Before long the Commander was crawling towards her, stopping right at the apex of Raven’s legs
and lowering her face. Raven gasped, clutching hard the furs under her body, throwing her head
back. That was exactly what she needed.
…………………………
Four days. They didn’t leave the room for four days. Four days in which the Commander made
sure she was eating and drinking enough, made sure she was comfortable and warm, made sure she
wasn’t hurting in any way, going as far as helping Raven clean up after their activities and offering
different kind of teas and salves that should help with ache and soreness of her core.
In bed she was considerate, making sure she was giving Raven the pleasure she craved. She was
good at listening to Raven’s instructions, going harder or faster when asked to, touching and licking
and kissing where the omega needed her to. Never allowing herself to come until Raven did.
Most omegas she knew spoke about heat as the worst thing that could happen, like it was hell, and
Raven could see how that would be possible if they didn’t have a good partner, but the Commander
had basically devoted herself to her, had never left her alone and had been there to soothe her heat
when it was at its peak.
It would have been perfect if the Commander hadn’t refused to knot her. Raven didn’t understand
why, but she never allowed herself to put her knot inside of Raven and she knew that had taken its
toll, had drained her, leaving her completely exhausted, especially because she had had to do it
many times during the past four days. Raven couldn’t even begin to comprehend the level of self-
control an alpha had to possess to resist their most basic instinct, knot an omega, climax inside of
her, breed her.
Raven rolled onto her side, pulling the furs up to her shoulders and feeling the ache and soreness of
the past days' filter in now that the fog of heat was gone. The Commander was deeply asleep
beside her, she was face down, back exposed for Raven to see. The scars, they didn’t seem to come
from a knife or a sword, but there were so many of them, crisscrossing the Commander’s back
from top to bottom, Raven couldn’t help but wonder if she had ever been captured and tortured
before, because those marks could only have come from some sort of whip. The Commander
didn’t seem too comfortable with having Raven touch them, as she always moved her hands back
to her shoulders and neck.
Her body as a whole was full of scars, and once again Raven was reminded of how young the
Commander really was, nothing about her situation was okay.
Trying to drive those thoughts away from her head, Raven extended her arms towards the bedside
table, trying to reach the jug of water that was usually there. In the darkness she ended up pushing
it off the table, the jug crashing and breaking against the floor.
Before Raven could even think the Commander was on top of her, covering her body with her own,
knife in hand. Her body was tense, ready to spring into action. Where did she even get that knife
from?
“It was just me,” Raven said, keeping her tone soft as to not startle the already alarmed alpha on
top of her. “I pushed the jug off the table and it broke, it is really nothing.”
The Commander seemed to relax then, putting the knife back under the pillow.
“You are okay?” The Commander asked and Raven nodded, slightly surprised by the concern in
her voice.
“Yes, just a little thirsty, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“I’ll get the water.” She said and with a swift movement, she was off of Raven and off the bed.
She put on a loose shirt and a pair of tight shorts that served as her underwear and then walked
towards the door. She opened it just enough to be able to speak to the person on the other side and
then closed it, coming back to stand by Raven’s side.
“The handmaiden will bring it soon.” She said and Raven nodded, she was grown accustomed to
the handmaiden, she was the only person the Commander had let into their room during the past
few days.
The Commander then proceeded to start cleaning the mess that the dropped jug had caused,
picking up the broken pieces and soaking up the water with a few towels. Before long, the
handmaiden came in and took over for her, offering the Heda the fresh jug of water.
“Here.” The Commander said, offering some to Raven using a wooden cup.
“Thanks,” Raven said, feeling the cool water make its way down her throat.
“Is there anything else you need, Heda?” The handmaiden asked and the Commander turned her
gaze towards Raven.
“Raven, is there anything you need?”
“No, I am good, thanks.” She said and the Commander nodded.

“You may go.” The Commander said, and the girl bowed before walking towards the door.
The Commander laid back down on the bed, flat on her back with an arm twisted back to support
her head.
“You didn’t answer my last letter,” Raven mentioned and, in the darkness, she didn’t see the
Commander nod.
“I thought it would be best to give it to you in person, given that you were on your way here when
the letter reached me.” She responded and Raven nodded in agreement.
“Why don’t you just tell me what you wrote to me?” Raven said. On her last letter, she had
expressed her surprise about the Commander’s age and she had asked about whatever had the
Commander worried about a new threat.
“The Ice Nation is always a concern and that is not a secret to anyone, their Queen does not find
my rule to be the proper one and is constantly pushing. Making military exercises too close to the
Trikru border, killing gonas that she claims were found infringed her territory, sending an assassin
every once in a while, to get rid of me.” The Commander said casually and Raven’s eyes widened.
“Assassins? How do you know she is the one sending them?” Raven asked and the Commander
turned her face to look back at her. The sun was starting to rise, drenching the room in its orange
glow.
“Do you remember when you implied that I have spies in Skaikru?” The Commander asked.
“Yes, you said that wasn’t the case,” Raven said and the Commander nodded.
“And that is true, as I trust Marcus. He speaks to me constantly and his eagerness to see his people
prosper drives me away from the belief of the possibility of a betrayal coming from your clan.”
“You can’t say the same about the Ice Nation, you actually have people there.”
“I do.” The Commander said and Raven nodded in understanding, she knew Ice Nation was
problematic, they were the ones to send the kill order on Clarke because their Queen wanted to
take the power of Wanheda or some other nonsense.
“And your spies told you the Queen ordered to have you killed.”
“No, they told me the order came from Ice Nation, but there is no way to directly link it to the
Queen, without proof there is nothing to do.”
“What does she get if she kills you though?” Raven asked, trying to figure out what the Queen was
thinking. “It’s not like she could take power of the Coalition, that’s not how it works.”
“I believe for her it is personal, I forced her Clan into submission. She didn’t wish to be a part of
the alliance, but she had to when she saw the power of the joined Clans, she knew her armies
wouldn’t be able to beat us. She was forced to enter the alliance, forced to fall under my laws and
my rules.”
“So, for as long as she remains Queen....” Raven trailed off, knowing exactly why the Commander
was constantly worried.
“War is always a possibility. I won’t seek war, but I always must be ready for it.” The Commander
said and Raven nodded, she couldn’t just move against the Ice Nation, not with them being part of
the Coalition.
“Is it really okay for you to be telling me this stuff?” Raven asked, not wanting to get the
Commander in trouble.
“Yes, I am not saying anything that isn’t common knowledge, the more detailed parts of the story I
keep to myself.” The Commander said and Raven curled onto her side to face her better.
“What about your age? You aren’t sure about it, why?” Raven asked, and the Commander looked
back at her with a blank expression.
“I was taken from the streets when I was a child and brought to the tower, the healer at the time
just took a guess on my age judging by my height and weight.” The Commander said and Raven’s
heart dropped to her stomach. Taken from the streets? Was there any part of her life that wasn’t
completely tragic?
“From the streets? But what about your parents?” Raven asked and the Commander blinked
quickly against the sun rays that were falling over her face. She seemed tired, but Raven knew that
there was no excuse for her to stay in the room and sleep a little more now that her heat was over.
“I don’t remember my parents. However, there was this woman, she stole bread from her mate’s
stall in the markets and gave it to me sometimes. Those pieces of bread kept me from going hungry
many times.” The Commander said and Raven was only able to offer her a weak smile.
“Is she still in the markets?” Raven said and the Commander nodded. “Have you gone and seen her
since?”
“I used to.” The Commander said, her eyes going dark, they moved away from Raven for a
moment as if debating what should she say next. “I grew up to fall in love with her daughter. After
her funeral, I was never able to look into her mother’s eyes again.”
“Her funeral? What happened?” Raven said, her heart squeezing hard in her chest.
“The Ice Queen, because Costia was mine, she took her, cut off her head and sent it back to me.”
The Commander said, and Raven couldn’t see anger in her eyes, no, she saw guilt, raging furiously
in their insides, rooted into her very being. Chills shot down Raven’s back and she had to hold
herself back from letting out her tears. Raven couldn’t begin to understand how it would feel to
have the head of the person you love most in the world delivered to you.
“What did you do?” Raven asked quietly, almost afraid to ask.
“I accepted her into my alliance,” Lexa said, her voice just as quiet, her eyes frozen in the dark.
“What? But she killed the woman you loved.” Raven didn’t understand.
“And responding with war would have gotten more people killed, all of those who are loyal to me
dying over my broken heart. I couldn’t sacrifice them, no matter how much I wanted to bring her
castle to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to see her end in my blade. What I wanted just
didn’t matter.” The Commander explained, looking up into Raven’s eyes. “Every death that occurs
in these lands is on me, even if those deaths aren’t caused by my blade, I am still responsible for
them. Even if I had wanted to accept to have your lover imprisoned my people wouldn’t have
accepted that, they were ready to kill Clarke for killing him before he was executed under our
traditions. Accepting a punishment as light as imprisonment over the death of elders and children
would have been seen as weakness on my part, would have been seen as a betrayal to my people.
They would have revolted and more people would have died.”
“But you stopped them from killing Clarke why?” Raven asked, the Commander’s feelings for
Clarke weren’t a secret, but it was too early, the Commander couldn’t have stopped her people’s
attack over her feelings.
“I would give anything in this world for Costia to die as quickly and as painlessly as Finn did. I
understood what Clarke did and I wish I could have offered Costia that same mercy. I know it
might not even look like mercy to you, but respecting what Clarke did and letting her leave
suffering no repercussions was the only thing I could manage, and still, my advisors spoke strongly
against it.” The Commander said and Raven couldn’t find anything to say in response. “I won’t ask
you to understand, I just wanted you to know that I know how you felt and that the pain you
suffered is not something that I would wish on anyone because I have suffered it as well. I respect
you and I know how vital the role you play is for your Clan, you are smart, strong, and tenacious…
You didn’t deserve the pain I caused you-” She was going to continue speaking but a knock on the
door cut her off. Raven watched the Commander sigh and stand up.
“Heda, you are needed immediately in the throne room.” The handmaiden said and the
Commander nodded.
“Aid Raven with her bath and make sure she is well fed; I believe her people will be leaving the
Capital soon. Notify me when they are about to depart.” The Commander said before leaving the
room and leaving Raven alone with the handmaiden.
“I don’t really need help with my bath, you can go,” Raven said and the Handmaiden shook her
head.
“Heda’s orders,” She responded and Raven sighed already knowing that was the answer she would
get.
“You may continue resting while I prepare the bath, I will make sure your food is prepared in the
meantime.” The handmaiden said, leaving the room to speak to someone outside of it before
coming back and getting lost in the bathroom. “You may come in now.”
The smell was heavenly and Raven’s untrained nose couldn’t really name it, but it smelled fresh
and floral, just the slightest bit sweet. The scent seemed to come from the tub, which was already
full of warm water. Raven let the sheet she was covering herself with fall to the floor, not really
feeling any shame with the handmaiden that had seen her basically naked many times during her
heat.
The warm water worked wonders to soothe her aching muscles, and later, when the handmaiden
started washing her legs and feet, Raven couldn’t feel any more pampered. The handmaiden took
her time to wash Raven’s skin and then she would spend a few minutes massaging her limbs, the
same process happened with her arms, shoulders and upper back, and by the time the handmaiden
started massaging her head, Raven felt so loose and so relaxed that she started to doze off.
Raven wasn’t sure for how long she napped, but by the time the handmaiden woke her the water
had gone cold. She stood from the tub and the handmaiden enveloped her in a soft towel, making
sure to offer Raven another for her hair.
When they walked back to the room, it was pristine and clean, the furs on the bed had been
changed and the mess of clothes that had been strewn around had been picked up and placed on a
near chair. A set of clothes that weren’t her own were placed on Raven’s bed, next to where Abby
was sitting patiently waiting for Raven.
“Heda left this set of clothes for you, she meant to replace those she damaged. Breakfast for the
both of you will be brought up shortly.” The handmaiden said before leaving the room.
“Raven,” Abby said as soon as the handmaiden was gone, standing up and cupping the omega’s
face with her hands, checking her over with concerned eyes. “How are you? How hurt are you?”
“What? I am not hurt Abby, I am just a little sore, that’s all.” Raven said, but it went to deaf ears,
in moments she was completely bare in front of the doctor who took her time to check her all over.
“You seem to be well fed and healthy, and there are only a couple of small bruises here and there,”
Abby said with a frown.
“Is that bad?” Raven said, confused by the doctor’s expression.
“It isn’t bad, it’s just unusual. Alphas tend to get more animalistic when an omega is in heat, they
tend to become more forceful and even violent during the mating, sometimes they even forget to
make sure the omega is getting enough sustenance so after the heat omegas tend to be hurt and
underfed.” At that moment three handmaidens came with trays in their hands, they placed them on
the near table and left.
“No, she was very careful with me. I think I hurt her more than she hurt me. And every day we got
food just like this a few times.” Raven said and Abby looked at the table with surprise, there was
enough there to feed a small army.
“This is more than necessary.” the doctor said and Raven agreed.
“It is, and I told the Commander as much, but she insisted on getting always this amount for me
just in case.”
“Would you like me to make sure everything down there is as it should be? Make sure there are no
tears?” Abby asked and Raven rapidly shook her head.
“I am sure I would be in a lot of pain if there was anything like that going on. The Commander was
very careful, she didn’t hurt me, and she didn’t even knot me.” Raven said as she started to change.
The Commander had only damaged one of her shirts, but she still had gotten for Raven an entirely
new set of clothes, with tan pants, a loose-fitting black shirt, and a black leather jacket. The jacket
was of the same quality of the one she had already gotten, but this one wasn’t as thick on the
inside, it wouldn’t offer the same warmth the other did as it was probably designed for the summer
night chill. It also didn’t have the bird or her initials engraved, Raven assumed it was for the lack
of time the Commander had to get it done, the new jacket had pockets on the inside though, and a
hood, Raven loved it.
“She didn’t knot you?” Abby said, just as Raven was slipping the black shirt over her head, she
sighed in content, the material was soft and not too thick. Raven sat down at the table to eat and
looked up at Abby, the doctor looked completely shocked.
“No, and it wasn’t for lack of asking on my part. I wanted her to do it, I asked her to do it and she
still resisted.” Raven said, drinking some of her juice as she allowed Abby to process her words.
“I have never heard of anything like that, it goes against an alpha’s very nature.”
“It does, and it always left her completely drained but she still never did it. I didn’t ask, though.
Maybe it's because she had never shared a heat with an omega before, maybe she was afraid she
would hurt me or something.” Raven said and Abby nodded, her face still sporting confusion.
“That would be very thoughtful of her. Must have caused her pain as well.” Abby said and Raven
nodded.
“I told her she could and she still denied.”
“I am glad you had a good experience with your first heat, once we are back at Arkadia we must
decide what we will do about the malfunctioning implant, you need to think about what you want
to do, we could take it out and replace it with a new one, that should last two or five years
depending on the one you choose, or if you want to just take it out,” Abby said, and Raven nodded.
“Thanks, Abby, I’ll let you know.”
………………………………
“I had to come here before leaving,” Raven said from where she stood a few steps behind the
Commander. The children were running around, playing, laughing, and the Commander stood by,
just taking it in. Her shoulders were relaxed, as was the rest of her posture and her jaw. Raven had
never seen her like that. “I can see why this is your favorite place.”
“I know Doctor Griffin gave you a check-up, I hope I did not cause too much damage.” The
Commander said and Raven moved to stand beside her. The Heda didn’t turn to look at her, her
eyes on the children.
“You didn’t,” Raven said as she stared at the deep scratches she had left on the Commander’s
neck, she had drawn blood and the Commander hadn’t mentioned it, she had just cleaned the
scratches when they were done. “I think I hurt you more than you hurt me.”
“It’s nothing.” The Commander said. “It was an honor to be allowed to share your heat with you,
Raven.”
“Why?” Raven asked, confused.
“Omegas are the heart of any Clan, they keep us together, they heal, and they soothe the pain.
Their very nature is the foundation we must build upon, they are the bringers of light. It is an honor
for any alpha to be allowed to help an omega during their heat, or in any other way they require of
us.” The Commander said, not seeing Raven’s shocked expression. That was definitely not how the
people of Skaikru saw things.
Silence seemed to envelop them both as they watched the children play, Raven didn’t know what
to say next.
“This was the letter I was going to give you.” The Commander said as she took the envelope from
the inside of her coat, offering it to Raven. “Now that I have told you what it says there is no real
need for you to read it.”
Raven nodded, but still took the letter, folding it and placing it in the inside pocket of her jacket.
“I was meaning to ask you if you still wanted to receive letters from me. I never expected you to
answer the first one and I realize you might not want to share any kind of correspondence with
me.” The Commander said, her eyes continuing to avoid Raven’s, her voice carrying an undertone
of hesitance and shyness. “You do not need to feel obligated to write back to me.”
“I think I’d like to keep writing back to you,” Raven said, she had been receiving letters from the
Commander, and she had responded out of fear of seeming impolite, but she had begun to wait for
the letters and to look forward to them. She felt like she knew the Commander better now and she
was curious by nature, she wanted to know more. “I know you probably have better things to do, so
I am not sure if you want to keep hearing from me.”
“It wouldn’t be a problem for me.” The Commander said and Raven nodded.
“Okay, I’ll write back once I am back in Arkadia then,” Raven said and the Commander nodded. “I
am sorry I took you from your duty for so many days, I hope that didn’t get you in trouble.”
“Do not worry, it is nothing I can’t handle. I hope next time you come you are able to see more of
the city.” The Commander said, sounding hesitant once again, even if it was a statement the tone
she had used had made the sentence sound like a question. Raven tilted her head to the side in
confusion, Lexa was an alpha and the Commander, if she wanted Raven to stay in Polis or to come
back, she could simply demand it of her, but no, instead she chose to leave the decision to Raven.
“Of course, I am sure there is much to explore. Maybe you could show me?” Raven said and
finally the Commander turned to look at her, she seemed surprised by the petition, by the mere
idea of Raven wanting to spend more time with her than strictly necessary.
“Of course,” The Commander said, her green eyes looking very light, almost translucent under the
light of the sun.
“I know you already said goodbye to Abby and Marcus so, goodbye, Heda,” Raven said, offering
the Commander her hand.
“Farewell, Raven.” The Commander responded, taking the Mechanic’s arm in typical grounder
fashion and giving Raven’s forearm a gentle squeeze.
The Commander watched Raven walk away, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of her lips.
Chapter 2
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
Commander Lexa,
Since I came back, I haven’t stopped thinking about the clearing where the children play. In the
Old-World people had places specially designed for the enjoyment of children, these places had
games and attractions where the kids got to enjoy themselves. I was wondering if you would maybe
consider having built some of these games on the clearing. I am not sure they would like them
because it would be very unfamiliar to them, but some of my people and I could go there and teach
them how to use them, up in the Ark there weren’t any games either, but I think I have seen enough
movies to figure out how it works and to have them designed and built. So... Let me know if that
would be something you would like for the kids of Polis.
I think sports are also an Old-World tradition that is worth bringing back, sports are games too,
but people of all ages can participate, they are competitive games so there always must be a winner
or a loser. Most of them are team sports, so they help to bring people together and making them
strategize and see how they could reach victory. I was thinking, and it could be interesting to use
this kind of games not only for the general population but also to help train the Nightbloods, I
mean, most sports require a strategy to win… kind of like war, I suppose. Of course, it’s just a
suggestion, but I figured it would be a good idea to make the training at least a little fun.
How were you trained, by the way? Feel free to ignore the question if I am overstepping, I am just
curious.
Hope everything is going well back at the Capital, here I am having a bit more work than usual.
Our fence keeps having issues and it’s honestly starting to piss me off.
Hope your week hasn’t been as busy as mine.
-Raven.
………………………….
Raven,
I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. I am not familiar with these places, but I think it would be a
good investment for the kids here and in all the villages around. We could make the first one here,
see if the kids are receptive to these kinds of games, and if so, we could replicate the design in the
near villages. To start, you could send me the designs, I would review them and see their viability.
Would the materials be hard to find? If it is within my hands, I would be pleased to get them for
you. I could also spare some of the best builders from within the city so they might help you, I am
not sure if there are any Skaikru builders yet.
These games, sports, they sound most interesting. I imagine people would spend an important
amount of energy while playing them. Maybe if we got adults to participate, they would spend
more of their energy playing these games and less energy fighting over petty things. If these games
require strategizing, they would surely help train the Nightbloods, and not only them but also our
soldiers and every other member of the army. I am not sure I would be able to make much of a
change in the Nightbloods training regimen, but I could enforce this kind of practice in the army, I
would require of you to explain better, as of now the idea sounds slightly vague. However, I am
interested and I hope to hear more of this idea of yours.
My training… We had many things to oversee, even from a young age, there was the physical
training to build strength, speed, and endurance; there was the weapons training to make sure we
would be the best at every available weapon, bow, sword, knife, and also to make sure we would
be able to make any object a weapon. There were also classes about the internal affairs of a clan,
it is important to know the territory, how many villages are spread over it, how many people
belong to those villages, what are they good at, how do they sustain themselves. Classes about the
different activities that are required for the survival of the many, how many people need to work
the farmlands, how many people need to hunt, which are the sources of drinking water. We also
had army training… the list is long and my intention is not to bore you so I suppose it is okay to
leave it at that.
If I may return the question… How were you trained? I am not quite sure about what you do, I
know you make weapons, but I don’t think that is what you do all the time, or what you were
trained to do, if it is, there is no problem with that. You just mentioned a malfunctioning fence, I
am assuming you mean the electric fence that surrounds your camp and you are the one to fix it so
that further supports my idea of you not being quite a weapon maker.
Farewell
……………….
Commander Lexa,
With the letter I sent a couple of designs for the park, each one of them has notes about how they
work, but I am pretty sure you will figure it out with the drawings, I’ve also added measurements
and the materials I would need. I think you could provide everything needed, it's mostly wood,
some metal, some rope, nothing out of the ordinary. Let me know how you like it, or if there’s
something you are not too sure of that I can change. I am happy you are considering it; I am sure
your kids could have a lot of fun.
The typical game for strategizing would be chess, I suppose, but I was thinking something where
more energy is required, like maybe football or rugby, or maybe soccer, or baseball. Even if you
don’t find them ideal for battle strategy training, you could use these games for physical training
and it would be pretty fun. I have to do a bit more research on them, though, even if we did watch
this kind of games in space, we didn’t play them ourselves, so I have to figure them out before I
explain them to you.
Wow, I feel like reading all of that gave me a bit of a headache. It is really a lot, but I suppose it
makes sense, you need to know how the clan works to be able to manage it, and you need to know
about war to come out of it victorious. I wish you had had some time to just be a kid, though. I feel
like you were always treated like a mini adult and had no real time to be young and innocent.
Well, you are right, I am not a weapon maker, I am a Mechanic…
Raven tapped her chin with her pencil, she knew she wasn’t talking with just anyone and while she
knew the Commander wasn’t dumb, she probably had no idea about what a Mechanic was because
there were no Mechanics among her people, so Raven had to think about a way to explain what
she did in an easy way.
… I was trained to be able to repair machines, which are mechanical devices that use power to
perform a specific action, that power can come from different places, some machines are powered
by people, or by animals, some others are powered by water, electricity, or wind. The Rover and
the fence are examples of machines, that’s why I mentioned fixing them.
All Skaikru were trained in the basics, like reading and writing and math, for those we took
classes, like when you teach the Nightbloods. They sit around and you give them a lesson, with us
it was pretty much the same, a teacher would stand up in front of all of us and teach us how to
read, how to count, the basics. Then, after we are done, we get to choose what is going to be our
job and we get trained accordingly, we could choose to be Medics or healers like Abby, to be
teachers, to be engineers, to work maintaining the order… there really were a lot of options.
Once I chose to be a Mechanic, I took classes on that specific field and I was trained or mentored
by Sinclair, I think you met him when we joined the Coalition, he is part of the council so he was
there. He was like my First and I was his Second, once I finished my training we started working
together.
I am sure it was nothing like your training, we did have time to enjoy ourselves and hang out with
our friends and stuff like that. I have always been very passionate about being a Mechanic though,
so I spent a lot of my free time studying to be the best.
Let me know what you think about those designs I sent you, and I will be doing some studying on
those sports soon.
Raven
………………………………..
Raven,
I was pleased to see the designs; they don’t seem to be very complex to make. However, I was
meaning to request your presence at the Capital to oversee the project. I am afraid I do not have
much time to oversee it myself and I am not quite sure my builders will be able to read and
understand the notes and the numbers in the designs, they don’t quite speak English. I would send
a gona with you so she might translate for you if you were to agree on coming here. However, do
not feel pressured to come here, if you are unable to, or simply don’t want to I’d do my best to find
a way to get the project going.
From what I understood of your activities it seems like there might be a lot for you to do in your
Clan, I would understand if you didn’t have the time to do research on the games you mentioned.
Your work seems interesting, I have never spent too much time pondering on machines, most of
them are damaged, but I imagine you could make use of some of them. I believe your knowledge
would help move our society forward. Would you ever consider having apprentices of your own? I
would like some of my people to have your abilities.
I understand how passion can become… consuming, and in this case, I believe that to be a positive
thing, I am sure your dedication and passion are what make you the best at what you do. Are there
other things you are passionate about?
Also, you mentioned that you have watched those games been played, but you also said that your
people didn’t play them themselves, so how exactly did you watch them?
Commander Lexa Kom Trikru

…………………….
Raven stared at the letter, eyes a little wide. The Commander was telling her to go to Polis to
oversee the building of the park, she wanted her to order a bunch builders around. Raven couldn’t
help but feel slightly confused about it, would a bunch of builders, possibly alphas, allow some
Skaikru omega to order them around? Raven wasn’t too sure about how exactly that would work
out, but that was what the Commander had said and she wasn’t about to question her. She also
figured it would be harmless to go back to Polis, maybe this time she would really get to see the
city and do some nice work, something different from what she did every day, the food there was
also better…
Raven stood up and left her room, finding the gona that always delivered the letters with a bored
expression on her face.
“Haven’t written my answer yet, have to do something first. Can you wait a little bit longer?”
Raven asked, knowing that her question annoyed the woman, she had told her time and time again
that she had orders to wait for as long as necessary.
“I’ll wait for as long as you need.” The woman said, a scowl on her face. Raven smiled brightly at
her, just to annoy her further, and walked away.
Moments later she had reached Abby’s office, the woman was sitting at her desk, looking into
some charts. Since Kane had been elected as Skaikru’s ambassador, Abby had more work than
usual, it almost pained Raven to annoy her with something so small.
“Hey, Abby,” Raven said and the woman looked up at her with a smile.
“Raven, please, take a seat. Is it your leg?” Abby said, already standing up from her seat.
“No, no, sit, it’s nothing like that,” Raven said, holding the letter in her hand. She didn’t really
want to show Abby, but she would if the woman didn’t believe her.
“Oh, okay, what is it then?”
“I sent the Commander some designs for a park to be built in Polis and she has agreed to it. She
asked me to go there and take care of it myself and I kind of want to go and do it.” Raven said,
sounding kind of hesitant, she knew that it sounded weird and that Abby must be wondering how
she contacted the Commander, to begin with.
“Does this have something to do with the soldier that comes here with a letter for you every couple
of days?” Abby said and Raven’s eyes widened slightly.
“Well, yes, how do you know about that?”
“One of the guards let me know when it started, they thought dangerous to let in a package that
came from the grounders, believed it could be some kind of weapon after it happened a few more
times they relaxed about it,” Abby said. She looked at Raven with her head tilting to the side, her
eyes penetrating, her gaze unwavering. “Is this something I should be worried about? You shared
your heat with her and now you are sending each other letters. What exactly is this?”
“This is me being polite,” Raven said, her tone the slightest bit snappish, why did people care
about what she did or did not do? “She is the Commander; I don’t want to be tied to a tree and cut
again if I decide I don’t wish to speak to her anymore.”
“That’s not what she told Marcus,” Abby leaned forward on her arms and Raven felt her back
tense, of course, Abby would catch her on her bullshit. “I know the Commander to be many things,
but she doesn’t particularly strike me as a liar, so you are lying to me, why?”
“Because I am tired of people giving me shit about the stupid letters,” Raven muttered as she
leaned back on her chair, she was more annoyed than anything else. She just wanted an answer,
could she go to Polis? Yes or no. “Things around here have gotten a little routinary, which is nice, I
am happy we are no longer getting killed or killing anyone, but I’m getting bored and hearing
about the Commander every once in a while is nice, I don’t know her, so I don’t know what she’s
going to tell me next. It’s just a little thing that makes my day different, is that so bad?”
“It’s not, and I am not telling you to stop doing it, or that I disapprove. I am merely asking because
I care about you and I want to keep you safe,” Abby reached forward and placed her hand on top of
Raven’s, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“You think I could somehow get hurt for this?” Raven asked, arching her eyebrows. The
Commander could be a merciless killer, but she still managed to be the most decent alpha she had
ever met, judging by the way she had treated her during her heat, at least. Raven didn’t think the
Commander would hurt her, not on purpose, much less when it could possibly end in war.
“I don’t know, I truly hope not. Do you want to do this, or are you going because you feel like you
are obligated to?”
“I want to go, she said I didn’t have to, but I want to do it.”
“Okay, what do you need and how long do you plan on staying there?”
“Well, I am not sure how things are going to work once I am there, she says I am going to have
everything I need at my disposal, so it shouldn’t take too long, a week at most. I guess I would just
need to pack a bag, I sent her the designs already so she could give them a look.” Raven said,
watching as Abby nodded back at her in response.
“Okay, I can arrange for our guards to take you there tomorrow. If you leave around sunrise, it
shouldn’t take long to get there, not as long as by horse I mean, still, feel free to take what you will
from the kitchens, you will need a snack for the long hours you are going to stay in the Rover.”
“Thanks, Abby.”
“No need, just don’t forget to take a radio with you, I want to be able to reach you at all times.”
“Of course.”
………………………..
Raven made it to Polis the next day just when the sun was starting to make its descent in the sky,
she had even offered the warrior who delivered the letters to go back to Polis in the Rover with her,
but unsurprisingly the woman declined, saying she just couldn’t leave her horse. Raven didn’t give
it much thought, but she started wondering if maybe she should have notified the Commander
about her visit.
Raven tried not to worry too much as she was taken to the training grounds, where the guards of
the tower were taking her to ask the Commander if she had really been invited to the Capital or if
she was lying.
When they got there, Raven had a hard time finding the Commander, but the sounds of a fight
quickly pointed her in the right direction. Commander Lexa was fighting a man three times her
size, another alpha, if his frustrated stench was any indication. She was fighting him in tight leather
pants that left very little to the imagination, they cupped nicely the firm swell of her behind and
they were low enough for Raven to admire the prominent V cut of her hips. The heat seemed to
have made her decide to take her shirt off because she was fighting in only a binding that covered
her breasts. Raven’s mouth watered at sight of her toned body, biceps and back muscles rippling
with every single move, budging with how tightly strung her body was for the fight, her abs were
another story, clenching and unclenching with her heavy breathing, wet with droplets of sweat that
made her bronzed skin shine under the fading sun. Had she somehow managed to get more ripped
since they had seen each other last? Raven wasn’t sure, but she knew perfectly well what the
clenching in her gut meant. She knew what that body could do, she knew how it looked on top of
her and she wanted nothing but to feel it once more. Raven wanted her just like that, hair messy,
skin shining with sweat, muscles vibrating with the rush of the fight. God, those abs, Raven just
wanted to run her tongue over-
Her train of thought was abruptly cut by a blurry movement, the Commander somehow had ended
up with her legs and arms wrapped around the man’s neck, and she was choking him with them.
The man threw himself to the floor, hoping that the harsh landing on her back would make her let
go, but that only made her squeeze harder. Raven could see her jaw clenched tight, teeth bared and
eyes intense as she continued to squeeze, refusing to let go until he finally gave up and started
smacking the earth with his palm, right before the oxygen deprivation was enough to render him
unconscious.
The Commander let him go at once, getting to her feet and then helping him up, receiving a small
bow in farewell before watching the man walk away. She looked around and Raven noticed that
there was a line of hopeful warriors standing around, hoping to fight their Heda, but the
Commander’s gaze found Raven’s eyes instead and the surprise made her stop in her tracks.
“We are done for the day!” She said, clear and loud enough for all the warriors to hear. A rumble
of disappointment was heard all around as the Commander approached her.
“Heda, this Skaikru omega claims that she got a direct invitation from you to the capital.”
“Her claims are true; you might take her belongings up to a room on my floor.” The Commander
said, taking a small towel that her handmaiden was offering and dabbing it against her brow. The
warrior nodded at once and grabbed Raven’s bags. “You might stay the night here; you will be
offered food and a place to rest. I believe it would be wiser to make the trip back in the morning.”
The Commander said as she directed her gaze to the Skaikru guards who had accompanied Raven,
they nodded and were swiftly escorted away by another member of the Commander’s guard.
“Raven, walk with me.” The Commander said as she started walking. The omega fell into step with
her and soon they were out of the public eye and inside a big wooden structure that was very near
the training grounds, judging by the weapons lying all around, Raven figured it was an armory of
some sort.
“Sorry for just coming unannounced, I realize it might not have been the greatest idea,” Raven said
as she stood by, watching as the Commander dabbed at the droplets of sweat on her chest with the
towel. She needed to put a shirt on before Raven did something stupid.
“It is not a problem; I am just quite surprised. I assumed it would take more time for you to
decide.” The Commander said, pressing the towel against her abdomen, wiping the sweat away.
Raven’s mouth watered, she could do it better with her tongu-
“Raven? Are you well?” The Commander asked as she moved forwards, fixing Raven with a
concerned gaze. The omega’s gaze seemed lost somewhere.
“Yes, just distracted.” She responded, her eyes snapping back to the Commander’s face.
“Something here caught your interest?” The Commander asked as she looked around the room,
trying to figure out what had caught the omega’s eye.
“No,” Raven smiled to herself, her only interest was the alpha standing in front of her. “Seeing you
like this is just bringing very pleasant memories right now, I literally can’t think of anything else,
so either you put a shirt on or I won’t be able to hear anything you say.”
The Commander took another step forward, she seemed surprised, her brows slightly furrowed, her
eyes glazed and lost as they looked back at Raven’s.
“My body, it affects you.” It was worded like a statement, but the tone made it sound like a
question.
“Of course, it does,” Raven said with a laugh. “Have you seen yourself? I don’t want to be
disrespectful but you are really fucking hot.”
“You are quite beautiful, Raven.” The Commander responded and Raven found herself looking up
into her eyes for the first time, her eyes had been locked on the Heda’s lips before, those plump,
pink lips. Raven found herself moving closer and before she knew it, she was capturing the
Commander’s lips with her own.
The very first contact set her body on fire, her gut clenched tight and hard when the Commander
parted her lips and welcomed her tongue with her own, her hands were quick to wrap around the
Mechanic’s back and trail lower and lower, until both hands were squeezing her behind as hard as
they dared to. A moan escaped Raven’s mouth at the sensation, deepening the kiss as she started
pulling at the bindings trapping the Commander’s breasts. The bindings fell to the ground and
Raven’s hands started roaming all over, palming the soft skin of the Commander’s breasts, taking
the time to pay special attention to the stiff buds that laid on top.
The Commander groaned from deep within her throat, using her hold on Raven’s behind to lift her
easily.
Raven let out a surprised yelp and curled her arms tightly around the Commander’s neck, never
letting their lips separate as she was placed down on a table. She pulled off her jacket and the
Commander was quick to rip off her shirt, the sound of tearing fabric made goosebumps flood her
skin as she started the jerking process of pushing off her pants. The Commander helped her as best
as she could, but ended up ripping her underwear in her frantic desperation.
Raven expected one thing, she expected to have her legs spread open and to have the Commander’s
cock buried inside of her quick after, so she was half surprised, half disappointed when that didn’t
happen. Yes, the Commander did spread her legs, but instead of her shaft, she saw the alpha drop to
her knees and bury her head deep between her legs. The contact of the wet tongue and soft lips over
her center was so shocking and intense that Raven couldn’t resist letting a cry of pleasure rushing
out of her mouth.
The Commander wasn’t playing around either, she knew Raven was desperate, she knew she was
anxious for relief and the omega knew the Commander wasn’t one to keep her from her pleasure,
she knew that from the time they had spent her heat together. So, she wasn’t surprised when the
Commander assaulted her center with deep, broad strokes of her tongue, making sure to leave no
spot, no place of her cunt without the touch of her strong muscle. Soon the Commander’s hands
were traveling up her thighs and towards the small of her back, pulling Raven forwards and to the
edge of the table, grabbing the Mechanic’s legs so they could rest atop her shoulders and then
pushing herself closer to the omega’s center, so much so that her nose pressed and pushed
insistently over her clit.
“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Raven gritted out through the tight clench of her jaw, a long drawn out moan
following right after when the Commander’s hot mouth enveloped her clit. The alpha didn’t wait to
give her clit a slow, languid kiss, full of lips and tongue that made her eyes roll to the back of her
head. Her hands fell back against the table as she tried to keep herself from collapsing backward,
her toes curled as her leg involuntarily tightened around the back of the Commander’s neck,
trapping her against her center.
She could feel herself fluttering uncontrollably, the muscles of her channel clenching and
unclenching, begging to have something to squeeze over, burning with the need to be filled, but
before she could tell the Commander what she needed the alpha nipped at her clit with her teeth
and gave it a strong, long suck. Her eyes widened as her pleasure was shouted up to the wooden
ceilings, her whole body tightened as it was assaulted by spasms and shudders, the strength of her
orgasm thundering through her body, gushing out of her center and hitting the Commander’s chin.
Raven knew that at some point she had closed her eyes because when she opened them again a
strong arm was tightly curled around her back, holding her up, and the talented mouth that had
been at her center just moments ago was placing open mouthed kisses at her neck, moving up and
up towards her ear. The Commander took her earlobe into her mouth and gave it a strong suck,
making Raven shiver against the alpha’s chest.
“I needed to make sure you were ready,” The Commander whispered in her ear, her voice hoarse
and rough with need. Raven then noticed a hardness against her center, moving up and down,
nudging her clit and then moving lower towards her opening. The Commander was spreading her
arousal all over her cock, making sure she wouldn’t hurt Raven when she finally entered her. “You
are not in heat; I needed to make sure I won’t hurt you… too much.” The Commander said,
accentuating her words by pulling at Raven’s earlobe with her teeth. Raven shivered once more, her
body trembling helplessly against the Commander’s chest in anticipation. She knew the
Commander’s cock was long and so very thick, well above average, there was no way the stretch
wouldn’t sting, it had been easier when she was in heat, but without it, Raven would be filled like
never before and the thought only made more wetness drip from her opening. “Are you ready for
me?”
“Yes,” Raven gasped desperately, feeling the swollen head of the Commander’s cock settle at her
entrance. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Raven said, her voice raspy and laced with pleasure as her hands
traveled down to the curve of the Commander’s firm ass, her nails sinking on the warm flesh and
pulling the alpha closer, forcing the head of her cock inside of her and making a deep moan fall
from her lips.
“Fucking hell!” Raven cursed as her walls fought to adjust to the sudden intrusion. The pressure,
the friction, the sheer heat of the Commander’s shaft inside of her, going slowly as deep as it could
go as she tried her best not to hurt Raven.
At last, the base of the Commander’s cock pressed right over the Mechanic’s center, leaving the
alpha’s cock buried all the way inside the Mechanic.
“Move, now!” Raven gasped, her eyes clenched shut, feeling like she would come just by the feel
of the Commander’s cock alone. The alpha didn’t wait to be told twice, she picked up Raven’s
good leg, holding it from under the knee and then pushing it up and away, giving herself more
space to move while her free arm stayed curled around the Mechanic’s back.
The rutting became brutal and fast right away, just as the Commander knew Raven liked it. The
strong muscles of her legs and ass moving back and forth quickly without relenting, letting her
shaft rub against the omega’s front wall with each stroke.
Raven was reduced to incomprehensible cries and moans, her hands moving up from the
Commander’s ass to hold onto her neck and shoulders, clinging onto her desperately as her head
fell back to let out a string of curses. The Commander’s mouth was quick to latch onto her neck,
knowing not to mark, but incapable of pulling away without leaving at least a sign of what she had
done to the omega, her lips and tongue wouldn’t let up, sucking as hard as she could, biting hard
enough to leave a mark without breaking skin. The sensations made goosebumps spread over
Raven’s skin, there were very few places in her body as sensitive as that particular spot on her
neck, the curve where it met her shoulder, and the Commander knew that well, as well as how
much Raven loved a good bite.
Her walls clenched tight, milking the Commander for everything she had got, heat spreading all
over her body as the alpha let go of her leg and nudged the pads of her fingers against her clit.
Raven was suddenly gone, screaming her pleasure in the Commander’s ear as her back arched as
far as it could go, leaving her chest pressed flush against the Commander’s, their breasts brushing
against one another’s. The Commander was falling over the edge a few seconds later, spurt after
spurt of her cum splashing against Raven’s walls and prolonging her orgasm, leaving the omega
spent and boneless in the Commander’s arms, her body shaking with aftershocks for minutes to
pass.
The alpha pulled away slightly, just enough to hold Raven’s limp head with her hands and deliver a
slow, languid kiss to her mouth. Raven couldn’t help but whimper slightly into it, finding traces of
her own essence in the Commander’s tongue, kissing back passionately, her hands burying in the
alpha’s hair, pulling her impossibly closer until she couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry for jumping you like that,” Raven said breathlessly between kisses.
“Are you really?” The Commander asked, her hands trailing up the Mechanic’s back, smiling
slightly at the shudder that followed.
“No, not at all.” Raven said with a smirk, “You looked so good in those training clothes, I couldn’t
resist. I am just apologizing to try to be polite and all.”
“No need, it is always an honor to be allowed to be with you like this.” The Commander said,
pressing one last kiss to the Mechanic’s lips before pulling away.
“It’s not every day I get to sleep with someone with a body like yours, but I imagine many omegas
must throw themselves at you,” Raven said as she put her bra back on.
“They do, not because of my body, though.” The Commander said, helping Raven to her feet and
then handing her her pants. The omega grimaced slightly when she noticed she would have to put
them on without her underwear.
“Not because of your body?” Raven said, her tone and her facial expression indicating that the
statement sounded completely ridiculous. “Then why?”
“They wish to carry Heda’s pups.” The Commander said as she finished binding her breasts, Raven
didn’t miss the extra emphasis she put on her title.
“Ew, no offense, I just don’t imagine myself carrying children,” Raven said and the Commander
slightly frowned. Raven noticed that there was no judgment in her face, only confusion.
“I don’t think I have ever heard an omega saying that before.”
“There’s a first for everything, I guess,” Raven said with a smirk. “Do you have a spare shirt I can
borrow?” The Commander had completely destroyed hers.
“Of course,” The Commander said, reaching for a near chair, where a water skin, another towel,
and a fresh shirt were placed. It seemed like the Commander always changed her shirt after training
for a fresh one. She offered said shirt to Raven and stayed only in her bindings.
“Any chance we can have some food and then continue what we were doing just now?” Raven
asked, she wouldn’t be able to think about anything else until the Commander at least put a shirt
on. “I get it if you are busy, though.”
“That can be arranged.”
Raven smiled to herself, Polis would be fun, for sure.
…………………..
Raven rolled onto her back, still panting and trembling from her latest climax. The Commander
laid by her side, the moon making the droplets of sweat rolling between her abs shine. Raven had
the instant thought of running her tongue all over them, but her body didn’t react, she was
completely spent and satisfied, she wouldn’t be able to move.
“Is there any particular reason why you don’t see yourself having pups?” The Commander asked
breathlessly as she pulled the furs up to cover them both.
“I think I would ruin them,” Raven said, not wanting to get too into it. “What about you? Do you
see yourself having children?”
“At one point I did, now I don’t.” The Commander said and Raven frowned slightly, wondering if
it had anything to do with the story the Commander had told her about Costia.
“What do you mean?” Raven asked, trying to see if the Commander would give away more
information.
“Commanders before me have had many children, during times of war very little aside from the
fight matters, so they allowed themselves to indulge, which resulted in many children that would
very rarely have a relationship with their sire. I have never been one to indulge in such things, not
even in times of war, however, I had Costia, with whom I shared my body and my heart for the first
time. With her, I hoped to have a family, maybe a child or two.” The Commander looked away
from Raven, training her gaze to the ceiling. “Those foolish dreams died when she did. To be
Commander is to be alone.”
“That’s bullshit!” Raven said, realizing what she had said and who she had said it to a moment
after the words left her mouth. “No one deserves to be alone, not even you.”
“She was killed because she was mine, I won’t risk someone’s life like that ever again.” The
Commander said calmly, Raven couldn’t possibly understand.
“I think the other person should have a say in the matter, if they want to risk it all to be with you
then you have to let them.”
“I won’t let anything like that begin, I won’t put anyone else at risk. I am just another Commander,
another vessel for my people and for their needs, my fight shall end soon enough and no one should
be there to suffer through being in love with someone like me.” The Commander said slowly and
Raven was left speechless. “I must try to get some rest, there are matters I need to attend to early
tomorrow.”
“Sure. I guess I’ll just see myself out.” Raven muttered slowly, the Commander’s words still
running all over her head.
“There’s no need, your body is spent. You may rest here.” The Commander said as she offered
Raven her pillow.
“One is enough,” Raven said, pointing at the pillow that already was under her head. The
Commander shook her head and lifted her bad leg, putting her pillow under it before lowering
Raven’s leg onto it.
“For your leg.” The Commander said as she rolled onto her front and let her head rest flat against
the furs. “Rest Raven.” She said, having already closed her eyes.
……………………….
Raven felt like she had only slept for two seconds when her eyes opened again. She couldn’t tell
what had woken her until she felt the Commander move. Raven watched her with heavy eyelids,
the Commander was moving as carefully as she could, clearly trying not to jostle the bed as to not
wake up the omega. Raven assumed she was going to the bathroom, but that idea was quickly
dismissed when she saw the Commander start getting dressed. She breathed in deeply, shoulders
moving up and down heavily as she rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hands, letting out a jaw-
cracking yawn in a clear sign of exhaustion before moving to a near water basin and washing her
face.
“Where are you going?” Raven asked as she incorporated herself, pushing her body up with her
arms.
“Training.” The Commander whispered. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to
sleep.”
Raven frowned, there was clarity to the sky, its tone varying in tones of grey and purple instead of
the almost complete darkness of the night, but the sun didn’t seem to be coming out too soon.
“The sun isn’t even out yet and you were training just a few hours ago.”
“I must always be prepared, training is necessary, I can’t not go. Go to sleep, I’ll be back in a
couple of hours.” The Commander said, moving closer to the bed and draping the furs over
Raven’s body before leaving the room.
Raven had no choice but to do as she was told and a few hours later, when stupid sun rays filtered
in and woke her up she found the Commander already dressed for the day in her armor, combing
her wet hair.
Raven didn’t know why the sight frazzled her so much, but it did. The Commander was just sitting
there, running a wooden comb down her dark waves of hair, fighting some knots every once in a
while, and then just letting her fingers weave down between strands of hair, making sure there was
no knot. The activity was so simple, so human, it made the Commander seem so normal, especially
when her face would involuntarily shift into a grimace after facing a particularly stubborn knot.
Raven couldn’t believe what she was seeing, the woman who had gone through the recovery of
being ran through with a sword with barely a single complain, was grimacing, biting her lip and
staring at her knotted hair as if it was personally offending her. In the back of her head, there was a
voice telling her that she was being unreasonable, of course, the Commander was human! Raven
just hadn’t had many chances to see her as such, to see her facing a mundane task that most human
beings faced on an everyday basis. For one brief second Raven felt as if she was looking at her for
the first time.
“Did you sleep well?” The Commander asked after a few minutes, feeling Raven’s gaze on the
back of her neck.
“Yeah, I am still a little tired, though.” And sore, Raven thought. They had spent most of the night
having sex and she was not in heat, even with the Commander’s care her center had needed some
time to adjust.
“You may continue sleeping, I will arrange your first meeting with the woodworkers and
blacksmiths for the afternoon.” The Commander said, her fingers doing quick work of her hair,
twisting it into familiar braids.
“That sounds perfect. How is the whole project thing going to work out?” Raven asked.
“You will be leading it. My people can’t read the designs you sent, they understand parts of them,
but others require your insight. You will have a translator which will help you communicate with
the blacksmiths, builders, and woodworkers, they will do as you tell them to. The idea is that you
help the woodworkers and blacksmiths make the parts of the park so then you can help the builders
put them together.”
“Yeah, having all the parts ready would make things easier, I just think it would be better if I take a
look at the land first. I designed the park assuming that the land is flat, if it isn’t, I would need to
make some adjustments to the design.” Raven said, hoping that the Commander wouldn’t be upset
with a change in her plans.
“Of course, things will be done as you see fit.” The Commander said, not a doubt in her voice, her
face relaxed as she continued to work on her braids. Raven knew the Commander’s hairdo was
very elaborate, and the fact that she could do it all on her own without even using a mirror to see
what she was doing was thoroughly impressive.
“So, I can check out the land this afternoon and meet the woodworkers and blacksmiths
tomorrow.”
“Of course, I’ll have the meeting arranged for you.”
………………………………..
Everything continued to progress smoothly, Raven was unsure about leading the project because in
Skaikru omegas weren’t typically leaders and alphas would more often than not throw a fit if they
were ever ordered around by an omega, but the group of people that were put under her disposition
to carry out the project never batted an eye at being ordered around by her, either because they
were accustomed to having omegas in leadership positions, or because they knew the Commander
wouldn’t be pleased if they disrespected Raven. The Mechanic didn’t know why exactly they went
along with her orders and she didn’t care, she was just happy to see things work out.
In only a couple of days the woodworkers had all the parts of the park necessary, during that time
Raven spent her nights in the Commander’s room, when morning came the Commander would
usually be taking care of her duties well before Raven woke up, meaning that they would meet
again hours later during lunch time, by that time Raven would be pretty sore after spending most of
the last couple of hours on her feet, but also happy about the progress being made. The
Commander would subtly ask how the workers were doing and how Raven felt, surely, to fix
whatever issue that might be occurring, but Raven didn’t have anything to complain about.
Things changed when all the parts were good to go and they were ready to put them together.
Raven was sure that with the number of people involved it would be pretty quick, especially
because she had explained the design she had made and the most experienced ones were able to
understand most of what was in them. What changed things was the apparition of the Commander
in the working site, dressed in a simple shirt and tight leather pants.
She expressed her willingness to help and at once Raven’s internal struggle started. Watching the
Commander carry around pieces of wood, biceps bulging and beads of sweat pooling on the hollow
of her collarbones had Raven’s gut clenching and a familiar tingling developing in her core. You
will have her tonight, you will have her tonight, you will have her tonight, Raven chanted in her
head, but that only brought thoughts of the Commander naked, breathing heavily on top of her as
she rolled her hips just the way Raven liked. She tried really hard to keep her composure, squeezing
her legs and avoiding looking in the Commander’s direction. It was to no avail; her thoughts were
running wild and before she knew it her pheromones were flaring.
She noticed the shift in the air, the way the alphas glanced towards her before their bodies tensed
and they forced themselves to look away. She was definitely not in Skaikru. All the alphas around
made sure to focus on their tasks even more intensely than before to make sure they wouldn’t
move towards her, that they wouldn’t disrespect her.
“Raven.” The Commander said, her tone strong, but quiet enough for only the omega to hear her.
Maybe there was another reason why the alphas around were so quick to take their eyes away from
her, Lexa’s scent was a statement on its own, she was letting them know who was the strongest
among the group and that if any of them would have the omega, it would be her. “Walk with me.”
Raven nodded mutely. They walked past the clearing and towards a spot where the trees were
denser, blocking their view from whoever might be trying to see what they were doing. The
Commander’s guards were probably close, but also far enough to not be seen, Raven knew well
that they would turn the blind eye if they were required to, after all, they had seen her go in and out
of the Commander’s room and they never said anything.
“You are aroused.” The Commander stated, green eyes shining in the afternoon sun as she looked
back at Raven. Her shirt had gotten sweaty enough to stick to her body, leaving very little to the
imagination.
“I am,” Raven responded bluntly, she took a step closer to the Commander and ran the tip of her
finger over a tattooed bicep. Unconsciously, muscles flexed under her touch and the muscles of her
core tightened once again. “You know your body affects me.” She was letting out enough
pheromones to drown them both, the only moment where they would be stronger was heat, but they
did the desired job and Raven was soon able to see the swell of the Commander’s cock pushing
against her pants.
“I am wearing a shirt this time.” The Commander said, one eyebrow arched. Raven looked up at
her, smirk firmly in place.
“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need you to take it off to see you naked anymore,” Raven whispered,
taking another step closer, so close that her breath was hitting the Commander’s lips. “My mind is
doing all the work.”
Suddenly they were kissing, fast and deep like they were about to get caught. The Commander
grabbed her from around the waist and pressed her flush against her body, stepping forwards until
Raven’s back crashed against a tree. The small yelp that crawled up her throat after the unexpected
hit was swallowed by the Commander’s mouth, who swiftly ran her tongue over the roof of her
mouth, making Raven’s eyes roll to the back of her head.
The Commander started bucking her hips expertly, rubbing the hard curve of her shaft right against
Raven’s clit. The omega gasped in pleasure, wishing for her clothes to simply vanish. She kept her
eyes shut tightly, biting the Commander’s bottom lip hard to try and muffle the moans that wanted
to tumble out of her mouth.
The Commander quickly sneaked a hand under the hem of her shirt, running her fingers over her
abdomen and then down towards the edge of her pants. In seconds the button was being popped
open and a moment later the Commander’s warm hand was cupping her center, middle finger
burying between her lower lips to press against the wet heat that radiated from her core.
The Commander let out a rumbling groan, never expecting her to be so very wet.
“You are so ready for me.” The Commander whispered in her ear, running her soft lips down the
side of Raven’s neck.
“Always,” Raven whispered back, her eyes opening wide in surprise when her pants and underwear
ended being yanked down. They didn’t get very far down, having gotten caught by her brace.
The Commander paid it no mind, making Raven face the trunk of the tree. The omega’s hands
instantly moved to hold onto the rough bark, her body entirely at the Commander’s mercy when
the alpha pulled her hips back, making her bend slightly, her ass bare in the open air.
With her pants still on and stuck halfway down her thighs, Raven couldn’t part her legs as much as
she would have wanted to, but the fabric allowed her to move her legs just enough for the
Commander to press her cock right at her opening.
Raven never thought that she would get fucked against a tree, she never thought that she would
claw at the rough bark and hold on for dear life as the Commander’s shaft buried all the way inside
of her. She never thought her eyes would roll back in her head at the feeling of a calloused palm
clamping over her mouth, trying to muffle her moans and cries of pleasure to keep the attention of
unwanted eyes away from them.
The last thought made her realize that the Commander’s guards were probably watching them,
were watching as the Heda drove back her hips, letting every single inch of her shaft, except for
the head, meet the open air, before thrusting back in as hard as she could. The Commander could
quiet the sounds Raven was making, but the omega knew there was no way to silence the
resounding slap of the Commander’s hips against her ass. It was constant, sharp, brutal, each slap
sending vibrations through every fiber of the omega’s body, making her walls clench and unclench
rapidly around the alpha’s cock, sucking her in like they never wanted to let go.
Raven could feel it, the stiff rod pushing in and out of her nudged that spot on her front wall that
made her toes curl. Pleasure was coiling tight in her stomach, burning bright and all-consuming as
the Commander trailed her free hand up Raven’s toned abdomen and towards her breasts. The
alpha pushed the bra up and out of the way, palming Raven’s breast roughly, kneading it with her
fingers and expertly massaging it. She took her time, running her fingers over the areola while
avoiding the hardened nipple. Raven frowned in frustration, desperate to feel the Commander’s
fingers where she needed them. The Omega did what she could to get the alpha’s attention by
licking the palm of the hand that was still over her mouth. Her action seemed to do the trick
because soon enough the Commander was rubbing her nipple, pinching it and later giving it sharp
little tugs. A cry of frustration tore out of Raven’s throat and was muffled by the Commander’s
hand when the alpha removed her hand from the Mechanic breast altogether.
Her frustration didn’t last long, though. Before she knew it, the Commander’s hand was cupping
her center, the very tips of her fingertips pressed against her clit in tight circles and in a matter of
seconds Raven was falling apart, screaming her throat raw against the Commander’s hand.
Waves upon waves of pleasure crashed over her body, sending heat up and down her nerve
endings. The all-consuming sensation left her weak at the knees, relying on the tree and the
Commander’s arms for support.
The Commander was pumping her hips gently, helping Raven ride her orgasm while the last spurts
of her come left the tip of her cock.
“Will that help you wait until sunset?” The Commander asked quietly as she pressed soft kisses to
the sides of Raven’s neck.
“No,” Raven exclaimed, feeling the Commander smile against her skin in amusement at her
response. She wished she could have seen that smile; she had never seen the Commander truly
smile before.
“The builders require your guidance to build the park.” The Commander said, her lips attached to
the Mechanic’s neck.
“They are not stupid; they can figure it out.” Raven murmured, already getting worked up again,
she knew she would have little hickeys over the back of her neck, and she was about to tell the
Commander to suck harder when the alpha pulled away from her altogether.
Raven groaned at the loss, but soon the Commander had her by the hips and was turning her
around so they were face to face, she pressed Raven gently against the tree trunk, the gesture the
complete opposite of what she had done mere moments ago, and then she moved her hands under
the Mechanic’s shirt. Raven thought the Commander would go for her breasts, but no, she went for
her bra and accommodated it for her. She did the same for her pants and underwear, pulling them
both up and buttoning Raven’s pants. When the Commander looked up from what she was doing
the omega was staring back at her with a pout.
“There’s only a couple of hours left before we lose light, let’s work as much as we can, the sooner
we finish this the sooner we can do other things. I did say I would show you around the city.” The
Commander said and Raven frowned.
“Oh, I thought ‘other things’ was cue for having sex,” Raven said, and the Commander’s lips
turned up slightly at the corners.
“You are insatiable.”
“So what? Can’t keep up with me, Heda?” Raven said, trying to get a rise out of the Commander,
trying to make her have her way with her again. Raven didn’t even care they were out in the open,
she liked sex too much, and she liked sex with the Commander even more.
“You know that is not the case.” The Commander responded calmly, knowing well what Raven
was doing. The Omega should have known that wouldn’t work.
“You are still hard,” Raven said, her pupils completely blown as she reached down to hold the
Commander’s cock.
“It will go soft eventually if you stop touching it.” The Commander said, her tone evidently
reprimanding. Raven pouted again and tucked the shaft under the Commander tight shorts,
arranging her pants properly for her and then, just because she could, she gave the swelling cock a
soft pat. The Commander’s breath hitched for a second and she took a step back, her eyes finding a
smirk on Raven’s face.
“You want me, too,” Raven stated, not giving up quite yet.
“Of course I do, Raven. I enjoy making you come, but we have work to do.”
Raven groaned loudly, how was she supposed to not be aroused when the Commander said things
like that.
“You work all the time, let’s have fun while we can, or are you not enjoying yourself?” Raven said
hesitantly, maybe the Commander just wasn’t that into it, maybe she didn’t find her as attractive as
Raven found her.
“It is nothing like that, I hadn’t touched anyone in years until you. I have enjoyed myself; we just
can’t leave our work unattended; we have the night to let ourselves indulge.”
Raven froze at the words, in years.
“You don’t mean since Costia, right?” Raven asked, her eyes widening, sex fleeing from her mind.
“I do.” The Commander said simply, her face blank, like it was nothing when they both knew it
had to mean something.
“If you don’t want this you can tell me,” Raven said honestly, seriously. “You don’t have to keep
doing this just because I want it. I love sex, but I can keep it together.”
“Even if I take my shirt off?” The Commander asked, one eyebrow arched, and Raven was startled
by the fact that she was making a joke. She wondered if the Commander did that with anyone else,
and then she remembered the letters, no one joked with the Commander, so the Commander didn’t
joke with anyone.
“I am really happy to see that you can make jokes, I really am, but right now I'm trying to be
serious. If I am making you uncomfortable in any way then you need to tell me so I can stop.”
Raven said, feeling slightly worried. Thoughts started firing off in her brain, the Commander
hadn’t initially wanted to share her heat with her, but Raven had insisted, just like she had insisted
just moments ago, was she violating the Commander in some way? Was she making her do things
she didn’t want to do?
“Raven, look at me.” The Commander said, moving closer and holding Raven’s face in her hands
as if she could see her thoughts spiraling. “Your body and your scent, they both call to me. I enjoy
watching you come and I enjoy being the one provoking it, I enjoy having you in my bed and I
find you beautiful. Having sex with you is not making me uncomfortable, it is the only thing I have
done for personal pleasure in years.”
“You could have anyone, why me?” Raven asked. The Commander breathed in deeply and let her
arms fall to her sides.
“Because I know you could never fall for me the way Costia did, you could never love me, and
that will keep you safe.”
Raven processed the words, she understood them and she saw complete and utter honesty in the
Commander’s eyes, meaning that she believed the words she had just said with every fiber of her
being. Those words threw her off, made her feel unsettled, and she found herself at a loss of what
to say next.
“Right,” Raven muttered. She sounded upset to Lexa and the Commander believed it was due to
the fact she hadn’t given into spending the afternoon having sex with Raven.
“Let’s negotiate, let’s go back to work now and tomorrow I will not assist my morning training, we
can enjoy each other for as long as you like, I will help you find your pleasure in whatever way you
want me to.” The Commander said, looking back at Raven expectantly.
The omega forced her mind to kick back into gear and offered the Commander one of her typical
smirks.
“You wouldn’t be skipping training though; you will just be working out in a different way.”
“Of course, let’s go back to work now, yes?”
Raven only nodded her head, following the Commander back to the clearing.
………………………..
Raven and the Commander were walking around the markets, the alpha taking what little spare
time she had to show Raven the city. And okay, Raven had to admit, that maybe walking around
the city instead of taking the Commander back to bed was worth it, just maybe.
“This place is so cool,” Raven said with a big smile, her eyes not quite knowing where to land. “It
feels like it is vibrating with energy.”
The Commander nodded her head, smiling to herself as she watched Raven walk around. They tried
to stop in as many stalls as they could and Raven had the best time of her life trying all the
different foods. They had different smells and tastes and textures, so very different from the bland
food she was used to.
“Here, try this.” The Commander said as they stood in front of a stall that sold pastries.
The pastry was a tiny little thing, Raven could probably fit two or three of them in the palm of her
hand, the crust was perfect and golden and when she bit into it the insides were soft and flavor
exploded all over her mouth.
“Oh my god.” Raven moaned shamelessly as she continued to chew, her eyes wide as sources. The
Commander looked very proud of herself as she took one of the small pastries for herself and put it
in her mouth.
“Those are Heda’s favorites.” The Woman said with a smile, surprising Raven with her broken
English. She was probably in her early fifties and her face was covered with laugh lines, she looked
content and happy.
“No surprise, these are amazing, what’s inside of them?” Raven asked, regarding the dark purple
filling of her pastry.
“A very rare kind of berry, we only have it for a short time every year. When Heda was only a
yongon, she would eat an entire basket filled with the fruit.” The woman said and Raven watched
the Commander’s ears turn pink for a moment.
“I’m sure she still does that,” Raven said, visibly amused, “Now she just hides inside the tower
where no one can see her.”
The woman let out a small laugh and then proceeded to fill a tiny basket with a few pieces of all
the different kinds of pastries she had up for trade.
“For you, Skai Gada.” The woman said, offering the basket to Raven, who instantly started shaking
her head.
“Oh, no, please, I can’t accept this, I don’t have anything to give you.”
The woman didn’t listen and practically shoved the small basket in Raven’s hands.
“Enjoy,” the woman said with a smile.
“Here,” The Commander said, taking a knife seemingly out of nowhere. A couple of people around
them gasped and even the woman’s eyes opened wide.
“There’s no need, Heda, no need,” The woman said, repeatedly shaking her head. The Commander
shook her head and put her knife in the woman’s hand, squeezing it gently before pulling away.
“There’s no way for me to repay your kindness, if you won’t take this for the pastries then please
accept this as a gift,” The Commander said and the woman’s eyes widened further before she
started nodding quickly.
“But please, Heda, take more of the pastries you like, this knife is worth much more.”
“I can’t say no to that offer,” The Commander said, offering the woman a smile. She instantly
started filling another small basket with only the pastries she knew the Heda loved, giving it to her
a moment later.
“I will ask my sons to try and find you more berries, Heda,” The woman said and the
Commander’s face softened even further.
“Thank you,” The Commander said, bowing her head down just slightly.
Raven watched the scene, a certain kind of warmth fluttering in her gut. She knew there was some
kindness in the Commander, she had seen it when she had been in heat with how the Commander
had taken care of her and had made sure she was comfortable and healthy, but seeing it again, so
out in the open, over something that was so very small, was indescribable. The Commander didn’t
demand things from her people, didn’t use her title to get what she wanted, even if her people
refused to take things from her, she would insist on giving them something in return, in making the
trade as fair as possible. Raven didn’t think someone that appeared to be so cold and so detached
could actually be so humble and so kind.
They walked around the people and Raven watched the Commander interact with them, never
looking annoyed at the constant interruptions, she let them touch her and received all the gifts the
people had for her. She stopped to listen to what they had to say and she offered words in return,
Raven couldn’t really understand, but there was always this sense of relief in their faces after the
Commander spoke with them.
After some time, Raven’s leg started getting quite sore, she ached to finish the tour of the markets
so she pushed on, trying to ignore the pain and focusing on the what she was seeing. After a
moment the Commander put a hand on her arm to stop her walking and Raven looked up at her in
confusion.
“What is it?” Raven asked, and the Commander looked at her with a very subtle pinch between her
brow.
“I was wondering if you wanted to sit down and have some food.”
“So soon?” Raven asked, knowing that there was some time before dinner. The Commander
seemed torn for a moment, hesitant about what she was about to say.
“I have noticed that your limp has gotten slightly more pronounced, we don’t need to finish the
tour around the markets today, we can come another day before you leave.”
“I can keep walking, really.” Raven insisted, feeling slightly self-conscious.
“I know and we can, I am only suggesting that we have a glass of ale and some food if you want to
keep walking after then we will.” The Commander said and Raven relented, nodding her head.
They walked just a little bit further, which let Raven know that the Commander had steered them in
that direction a while ago, and in moments they had entered a house that resembled a pub, tables,
and chairs were spread around in the spacious place, but it was pretty empty, it wasn’t even
sundown yet, so Raven assumed that people weren’t looking to get drunk so early.
The Commander pulled a chair out for Raven, helping her sit before pulling a chair out for herself.
The owner was with them in seconds, eyes wide and mouth agape as he quickly brushed his hands
over his beard, trying to make himself look more presentable.
“Heda, welcome.” The man said, bowing deeply. The Commander exchanged some words with
him, words that Raven couldn’t understand, before leaving quickly, returning mere seconds later
with a tall glass of ale and settling it in front of Raven, none for the Commander.
“Wait, you aren’t having one?” Raven asked and the Commander shook her head.
“No, it is unwise for me to indulge in such a way, you have a drink, I ordered the best ale for you,
food will be coming soon.”
“One glass will do you no harm,” Raven said, she knew enough from the letters and from the
owners reaction to assume that the Commander had probably never set foot in that place before,
she had only done it because Raven needed a rest and the omega was sure there was no other
person in the 13 clans that needed a break more than the Commander. “If you are not training you
are in a meeting, if you are not in a meeting you are solving your people’s problems, if you are not
doing that you are teaching the Nightbloods, and if you are not doing that you are taking care of
some skirmish petty people got into over probably nothing, you get to have a glass of ale, you need
to rest for a moment.”
“A Commander does not rest.”
The response was instantaneous, no thought, no feeling, just the way she had been raised, the way
she had been taught to act.
“All humans need rest, doesn’t matter who they are. So, either you have a glass with me, or this ale
will go to waste.” Raven said, fixing the Commander with a hard stare. They stayed like that for a
couple of long seconds, both firm, unwavering, unwilling to give in, until finally the Commander
let out a long sigh and called the owner. Soon, another glass of ale was placed in front of the alpha
and Raven was smiling from ear to ear.
“See? You had a sip of ale and the world didn’t burst into flames.” Raven said and the Commander
shook her head, hiding the small upturn of her lips behind her glass. “You should do that more
often.”
“What?” The Commander asked in confusion, she had been only looking back at Raven, doing
nothing else.
“Smile,” Raven said, watching as the tip of the Commander’s ears instantly turned red. “The whole
dark brooding look works for you, it really does, it’s very hot, but that little smile I just got a
glimpse of it’s definitely one of my favorite looks of yours.”
“So, you have many?” The Commander asked, head slightly tilted to the side, a small smirk on her
face.
“Many what?” Raven asked, after taking a few gulps of the ale, it was cool and tasted very nice,
much better than the moonshine she was used to having, of course, they were fairly different.
“Many favorite looks of mine.”
“Oh, yes,” Raven said, her smirk getting bigger. “You in training gear, slightly sweaty and
breathless, you in builder mode, those biceps of yours bulging as you carry wood for sure make my
mouth water. You in your Commander attire, looking all pristine and perfect, makes me want to do
something so you don’t look so pristine and perfect… if you know what I mean.” Raven’s
eyebrows moved up and down, her tone getting low and heavy with her insinuation. The
Commander shook her head and leaned back on her chair, she was amused, Raven could see it in
her eyes. “Completely naked has to be my favorite look, though.”
Lexa was glad she hadn’t been drinking when Raven said that because if she had the liquid would
have surely gone down the wrong pipe, she could feel her ears getting very hot and she knew they
were surely tinted red. She couldn’t help it, she was not used to being around someone like Raven,
someone with such a free way of speech, that didn’t hold back and that cared very little about being
proper around her.
“I must say your ass is absolutely gorgeous, I love holding onto it when you are f-” Raven was
abruptly cut off by the Commander clearing her throat loudly, a moment later the owner of the pub
was standing next to them with plates of food in his hands. He placed them in front of each one of
them and quickly walked away, not wanting to get in the way.
Raven looked back at the Commander with a challenge in her eyes, waiting to be reprimanded by
her very improper comments. She wanted to get a rise out of the Commander, get under her skin,
make her be something other than calm and composed, she thought she would get what she was
looking for when the Commander leaned against the table. Raven mimicked her movement, daring
the Commander with her eyes to tell her off for what she had been saying.
“I must say, Raven,” the Commander began, her face closed off. Raven was ready, she wasn’t
scared, she could get chastised, but the Commander wouldn’t tie her to a tree, would she? “that I
find your ass to be lovely, as well.”
Raven’s eyes opened wide, her mouth parting slightly in shock as she let the Commander response
sink in, she would have never expected the Commander to say anything like that. She let out a
short laugh and leaned back in her chair, bringing the glass of ale back to her lips.
“Good to know,” Raven said at last. “My ass greatly values your appreciation.”
The Commander nodded, taking in the smile on the omega’s face.

“Have your meal, Raven, the meat will get cold.”
Raven nodded, her smile of pleasant surprise still firmly in place.
……………………
That night Raven was woken up by a strong kick on her bad leg, her eyes opened while a grimace
took over her features. She was confused, the Commander was a good person to sleep next to,
hardly moved at all in her sleep and located herself far enough on the mattress that another person
could probably fit in between them.
That night was different, though, her breathing was harsh and her face was scrunched up, beads of
sweat running down her temples as her limbs tensed, pushing violently in all directions. She was
having a nightmare, that was obvious, but Raven was still having a hard time processing the
situation, seeing the Commander displaying so much emotion was making her brain short circuit.
There was so much pain, so much anguish in her expression, things that she didn’t think the
Commander was capable of feeling, things that she knew the Commander wouldn’t willingly
express.
Raven did her best to wake her, shaking her, calling both her name and her title, until the
Commander sat up abruptly, her body shaking with every breath she took. She turned to look at
Raven, eyes red-rimmed and wet, but stubbornly keeping the tears from falling. She looked away
fast, visibly ashamed, trying to keep Raven from seeing the expression on her face and before
Raven could do anything, she was swinging her legs off the bed, grabbing her undershirt from the
floor and putting it on, finding her underwear next and getting into it before walking towards the
door.
Raven was at a lost, having not expected such a reaction.
“Hey, wait!” Raven said as she rushed to get up from the bed, she forgot she hadn’t put her brace
on, unsurprisingly her leg failed her and she fell to the floor.
The sound made the Commander stiffen and turn around, quickly moving towards Raven and
picking her up gently from the ground. Raven could feel the agitated beat of her heart; she could
feel her harsh breathing and the trembles that had taken over her body as the Commander lowered
onto the bed once more. The alpha moved to leave again and Raven latched onto her arm, stopping
her and hoping the Commander would not respond violently, she knew many alphas would,
especially when an omega was trying to stop them from doing what they wanted.
The Commander froze at Raven’s contact, not moving, but not looking at her either, her eyes on the
floor.
“I know you don’t want me to see you like this and I understand that, but this is your room, if you
want to be on your own then I should be the one to leave, not you,” Raven said, trying to keep her
voice calm and steady. “However, this is not something you should be ashamed of, I am sure you
have seen a fair share of ugly things, would be weird if you didn’t have a nightmare every once in a
while.”
“A Commander can’t be weak.” She said, removing her arm from Raven’s hold, but not moving to
leave the room.
“She can and she should, it means she has feelings and that she is not a coward, she won’t run away
from them, right?”
“I won’t have to run away from them if I don’t have them.” The Commander responded and Raven
frowned.
“You are a person, not an object, it is unnatural if not impossible for you to not have feelings.”
Raven insisted, never moving her gaze away from the Heda’s, trying to make her understand.
“You thought I didn’t have them, you thought me heartless, didn’t you? Maybe you still think so.”
The Commander responded and Raven stiffened, looking away for just a second. That was enough
for the Commander to know that she was right. “I understand, Raven, you do not need to feel bad
for thinking that way, that is how a Commander should be.”
“No, I was wrong, that’s it.” Raven tried, feeling stupid for having thought that at all. “Having
feelings is not a bad thing, it is not something we should run away from, even if they are the kind
that hurt, we still have to face them.”
“I am not any person, Raven, I can do what I need to do for my people if I have feelings getting in
the way.”
“It doesn’t matter, you will have them, you will always have them and if you try to bury them, to
hold them back just so you can keep a facade of being above it all, then one day they will rush back
to the surface and you won’t be able to stop them and believe me, that is going to be way worse.”
The Commander sighed, her shoulders falling from their tense position, relaxing just slightly.
Raven relaxed as well, knowing that this was a win, maybe the Commander didn’t exactly share
her beliefs, but at least she was somewhat receptive.
“What will you have me do, then?”
“Just lay down,” Raven said and the Commander did as told, moving back towards her side of the
bed and laying down, leaving plenty of space between herself and Raven. “Can you tell me about
your dream?”
“No,” The Commander said immediately. “I don’t want to think about it.”
“Okay, okay,” Raven said, not wanting to pressure, knowing that the Commander was still affected
by her dream. “I will help you not think about it, is there something you want me to talk to you
about?”
“In my last letter, I asked what are you passionate about other than the work you do.”
“Oh yes, I didn’t answer that, I just came here instead. Well, I think I am passionate about many
things, but my biggest passion after my work has to be the stars.”
“The stars?” The Commander asked, confused.
“Yeah,” Raven said with a big smile, her belly filling with excitement at the prospect of telling
someone about something she loved. “Would you like me to tell you about them?”
“Yes, I’d like that.”
As Raven began to speak, she couldn’t help but wonder who would help the Commander with her
nightmares once she left, who had been there for her before to distract her from her pain and help
her think about something else.
Raven couldn’t help but wonder if she was always forced to face her demons alone.
Slowly, way after Raven’s throat was raw and dry from how much she had spoken, the
Commander began to fall asleep. Raven realized then, that even if she had spent the night with the
Commander many times, she had never seen her fall asleep before, either she fell asleep first, or the
Commander would be facing away from her. But that night the Commander was on her side, her
head resting on her own arm after she had given her pillow to Raven. She had been listening
attentively, quietly at first, then asking a few questions here and there when she had managed to
calm down. Then, she got quiet again for an entirely different reason, she was exhausted, her
eyelids would dangerously start falling over her eyes before she shook herself awake, slightly
startled and blinking quickly. Raven just let her be, she just kept talking until the Commander
couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore, her limbs loosened and her breathing evened out.
Raven continued speaking for a few more minutes, just to make sure the Commander would stay
asleep, and only then, when she was sure, she closed her own eyes and let the alpha’s calm
breathing lull her back to sleep.
…………………………………
The next day, Lana, the handmaiden, entered the Commander’s quarters with a worried frown on
her face.
Raven had managed to wake up before the Commander, another first, and she was just lying on the
furs, dozing lazily. The Commander had told her she would skip training in the morning and to
stay with her, but the Mechanic had decided not to wake her, they had stayed up late into the night
having sex anyway, and there was also the nightmare, she understood if the Commander was tired
and she had no intention of waking her up.
“What is it?” Raven asked quietly, trying to keep her voice as low as possible.
“The Commander is still asleep.” She said, her frown deepening.
“Yes, and?”
“I heard her having a nightmare, she never sleeps after having a nightmare.” The handmaiden said
and Raven instantly frowned, the Commander’s wellbeing was none of her business, but the slight
worry bubbling in her gut apparently hadn’t gotten that memo.
“Do they happen often?”
The handmaiden tilted her head to the side, feeling unsure of how to respond.
“She can spend months without nightmares and then have them almost every day for weeks,” Lana
said and Raven nodded in understanding.
Just then the Commander stirred, the sunlight falling over her face seemed to annoy her and she
rolled over, giving them her back. Raven watched her back move up and down with a deep breath
before she settled again.
“It is almost breakfast time, she has a meeting, if she isn’t in attendance Titus will come to look for
her instead.”
Oh, Raven thought, that didn’t sound too good, wouldn’t be nice for the Commander to start
getting shit so early in the morning.
“Okay, can you prepare her bath while I wake her up?” Raven asked. The handmaiden nodded
quickly, seeming happy for having something to do and leaving towards the bathroom straight
away.
Raven secured the furs over her bare chest and moved closer to the Commander, placing a hand on
her shoulder and shaking slightly. The Commander’s eyes opened at once, wide and alert.
“Hey, everything is fine, it’s just me,” Raven whispered, the Commander registered her presence
and nodded, sitting up and rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands.
“Forgive me, Raven, I seem to have overslept.” The Commander said, her tone and the way she
looked around her room telling Raven that that had probably hadn’t happened in a very long time.
“I know I told you I would skip training and spend that time with you instead.”
“It’s fine, we had plenty of fun last night, you needed the sleep. Lana mentioned something about a
meeting so I asked her to prepare a bath for you.” Raven said and the Commander nodded, rubbing
her eyes once more. Her shoulders were slightly hunched and her eyes were just a little red, dark
shadows developing under them. Raven bit onto her bottom lip, feeling unsure of her actions,
maybe she shouldn’t keep the Commander up for most of the night just to have sex with her, the
alpha was obviously not getting enough sleep.
“Thank you,” The Commander said and Raven nodded with a shrug.
“It’s fine, you should thank Lana, she is the one actually preparing the bath.”
“No, not for that, for last night.” The Commander said, looking away for a moment, Raven
recognized the action for what it was, the Commander was feeling self-conscious, maybe even a
little ashamed. “I don’t usually sleep after a bad dream, but last night… hearing you talk to me, it
helped.”
“Oh,” Raven said, not expecting the Commander to reveal that information herself. “It’s fine,
really, I don’t know if you could tell but I can talk about the stars for hours, I love it.”
“Yes, I noticed,” The Commander said, the corner of her mouth giving a small twitch. “I would
like to hear more about them.”
“Sure, whenever you want,” Raven said, awkwardly.
The moment was broken by Lana, the woman came into the room and told the Heda her bath was
ready.
“Feel free to ask Lana for whatever you need, yes?”
“Yeah, sure, go get ready before Titus comes to bother us with a stick stuck up his butt,” Raven
said and this time she got a tiny smile in reward, the Commander nodded her head and left towards
the bathroom, telling Lana to make sure Raven would have everything she needed.
Raven laid back on the bed, pulling the furs up to her shoulders and closing her eyes.
She couldn’t stop her mind from spinning.if the Commander never slept after a nightmare and if
she could have them for weeks in a row, then how many sleepless nights did she spend hurting and
alone?
Raven rolled onto her side and clutched her eyes shut. The Commander, her nightmares and her
pain… none of her business.
…………………………..
Raven didn’t see the Commander for the rest of the day, she didn’t see her at lunch and she didn’t
see them at the clearing where they were building the part. Raven assumed she would see her at
dinner, but apparently just before the Commander could sit down and eat a problem had developed
in a near village and the Commander had been forced to leave.
Raven sat at dinner on her own, having ditched Kane, not really up for talking to anyone and
annoyed because she couldn’t tell the reason behind her bad mood.
“A gift from Heda,” Lana said as she placed a small wooden box on the table Raven was sitting at.
“What?” Raven asked, as if she hadn’t understood what the woman had said.
“Heda was forced to leave in a rush, she wanted to give this to you in person but she couldn’t, she
is not sure when she is going to be back so she left it with me this afternoon.”
Raven didn’t say anything else; she picked the box up and opened it. Inside there was a folded
piece of parchment, Raven picked it up and saw what was lying underneath. A bracelet, made out
of black cord and a flat and circular piece of wood, small too, probably about 3 centimeters in
diameter. The wood was engraved with a beautifully detailed sun, Raven couldn’t stop herself from
running her thumb over the surface of the little piece of wood, feeling the indentations where the
wood had been carved to give life to the design. Raven was in awe of its beauty; it was so detailed
and delicate. She didn’t wait to put it on and secured it around her wrist, picking up the piece of
parchment and unfolding it, easily recognizing the Commander’s handwriting.
Raven,
I was marveled to learn that the sun is a star, it is still shocking to look at it and think it is a star. I
would have never known if you hadn’t shared that information with me.
Accept this bracelet as a thank you for helping me last night and as an apology for not being able
to see you tonight. I do not know when I will be back, but I will do my best to get there for the park
opening.
Please, forgive the quality of the bracelet, it’s been quite some time since I last did carving on
wood. I did the best I could with the little time I found myself having this afternoon, I hope that is
enough for you to somewhat like it.
I will do what I can to make my way back to the Capital soon.
Farewell,
Raven just sat there, the letter in her hand, the bracelet secured around her wrist, and a sweet smile
on her face.
Chapter End Notes

This chapter had to be cut in half becasue of the lenght, so I am sorry if the ending
seems a little abrupt, you can expect more Polis fun next chapter.
Sorry if the smut sucked, it really isn't my strong suit, don't think there is going to be
much more of those scenes in the next couple of chapters.
Thank you for reading, for leaving comments and kudos, you all have been really
sweet. Thank you so much.
Let me know what you think in the comments.

Chapter 3
Chapter Notes
If anyone here is reading my other story and is wondering why I updated this one first,
I just have a lot of this story pre-written so it makes it easier and quicker to update.
The next chapter of build me a happy ending is already in the works, so, sorry about
the delay on that one.
I apologize for all the mistakes, I was kind of falling asleep while reading over this.
Thanks for reading!
See the end of the chapter for more notes
“I can appreciate this look on you,” Raven said, a small smirk spreading across her face as she
watched the Commander standing in the middle of her room, dripping all over the place. Raven
didn’t need to wonder about what had happened, the raging storm outside and the Commander’s
current state were telling enough.
It was kind of amusing to see Lana standing behind the Commander, doing her best to dry her hair,
or at least remove some of the excess of water.
“Raven, it is quite late, don’t you require rest?” The Commander asked, dabbing her face with
another towel. Raven stepped further inside the room, standing right in front of the alpha.
“No, I have been able to rest more in your absence,” the omega said, her tone suggestive, she had
spent the last two nights actually sleeping instead of having sex.
“Were all your needs tended to in my absence?” The Commander asked, and Raven saw Lana’s
eyes move from the Commander’s hair and towards her for a fleeting second.
“Yes, Lana barely left my side, I told her she didn’t need to follow me around but she insisted,
that’s how I knew you were back, she was taking away some of the food I didn’t manage to eat
from dinner when she was called to tend to you,” Raven said, moving forwards to unclasp the
Commander’s shoulder pauldron. A tiny grimace flew across the Commander’s face, fast and
almost invisible, Raven wouldn’t have seen it if she hadn’t been standing so close. She also knew
the show of emotion would have never happened if the Commander had been able to predict her
actions, but Raven moving forwards, Raven unclasping the pauldron and moving it off the
Commander’s shoulder wasn’t something the alpha expected. “Are you hurt?”
“Not any longer, my shoulder is back in place,” The Commander said, her wording alone making
the Mechanic grimace.
“It was out of place?” Raven asked, though the answer was obvious.
“Yes, dislocated, it is back in place now.”
“How is wearing this a good idea, then?” Raven asked, the heavy pauldron still in her hands.
“It is an old injury, my shoulder is always unstable, in danger of moving out of place. The pauldron
offers some protection, support, helps me keep it where it is supposed to be,” The Commander said
simply, “With time it has become a symbol of my position, something I must wear as Commander,
it results convenient.”
“Doesn’t seem to work very well,” Raven said, looking down at the object in her hands with a
frown.
“Some hits are simply more than what the pauldron can take,” The Commander said, watching as
Raven moved to place the object on a near chair.
“How does your arm feel now?” Raven asked, looking up into the Commander’s green eyes.
“Hurts,” the alpha responded, deadpan, her expression completely blank, Raven couldn’t really tell
she was in any pain. The omega hummed to herself for a while, moving closer once more to
unclasp the Commander’s coat. “There is no need for you to assist me with this, I can undress
myself.”
“We both know I do it better,” Raven said, a smirk firmly in place as she left the coat all the way
open, when she looked up, she noticed that the Commander was looking at her with a tiny lopsided
smile, only the left side of her mouth lifting slightly. “Have you eaten?”
“No, the weather is too harsh, we didn’t make any stops to eat, we just did what we could to get
here fast.”
“Lana, why don’t you get the Commander something while I help her here?” Raven asked, not at
all surprised when the Handmaiden glanced at the Commander first for approval. The Commander
gave her a short nod and in seconds the handmaiden was leaving the room, leaving them on their
own. “Let’s get this off, yes? Let’s do your good arm first and try to not jostle your shoulder too
much.”
“You don’t have to help me, Raven,” the Commander insisted, but the omega was already helping
her take off her clothes.
“I am not helping you out of the goodness of my heart, I just like you better naked,” Raven said,
not missing the small smile that spread over the alpha’s lips. Raven had gotten the Commander to
smile twice in just a couple of seconds.
She would never admit it to herself, but she felt quite proud about that.
The process of taking off the Commander’s shirt without jostling her shoulder was much harder
and uncomfortable, but with Raven’s help the Commander was able to take it off without too much
pain.
“There,” the Mechanic whispered to herself once she had taken the shirt off. “Shit, you didn’t
mention this.” Raven said, eyes wide as she stared at the bruise that covered the Commander’s ribs,
the omega could swear it was bigger than her head. She didn’t understand how the Commander
managed to stand so rigidly, with her back straight and her shoulders back when her ribs were
obviously hurting, if Raven was injured like that, she would be curled up into a ball in her bed
feeling miserable, the Commander probably couldn’t afford that.
“It holds no importance,” the Commander said as she reached down to unfasten her pants, Raven
swatted her hands away with a weak slap.
“Keep your arm still,” Raven said, her chest filling with anxiety when she noticed what she had
said and what she had done, to an alpha nonetheless, to the Commander. She looked up for a
second, expecting some kind of retribution, but the Commander was just looking down at her
calmly. “You shouldn’t move it and you can’t bend down to take off your pants, it’s going to hurt
like hell.”
“I’ve had worse injuries,” the alpha mentioned once Raven unfastened her pants and pulled them
down her legs. They were completely soaked in rain water, which left them stuck to the
Commander’s legs like a second skin, Raven had to apply a bit of strength to peel them off and
after that she was left staring at the Commander’s strong thighs, visibly muscled and toned with
the amount of activity and training she did every day.
“I know, you bled all over me, remember?” Raven said, looking around the Commander’s room
and walking towards the pile of clothes Lana had left on the bed, just a pair of tight shorts that
served as underwear and a loose shirt.
“Vaguely,” The Commander said as she used her good arm to unbind her breasts. “I don’t
remember much from that day.”
“Probably a result of bleeding all over Arkadia, it took so long to clean up the trail of blood you left
from the entrance of the camp to the medbay,” Raven said as she helped the Commander take off
her underwear, doing her best not to look. She then helped her finishing drying herself and then she
picked back up the pile of clothes, helping the Commander get into them.
“Thank you, Raven,” The Commander said, tilting her head down in a short nod. “There is no need
for you to do this.”
“We have already talked about this, if I can help, I will, just because I can. You should better get to
bed and wait for Lana to bring you some food before you go to sleep.”
“You can stay, I can still give you what you want,” The Commander said and Raven arched her
eyebrows.
“You can, but I don’t want you to,” Raven said as she walked the Commander’s towards her bed,
she arranged the pillows in a way she thought would be comfortable and then moved back so the
Commander could sit down.
“The bruises,” The Commander said, looking back at Raven with expressionless eyes, “They
bother you.”
“No, of course not,” Raven said, sitting down on the edge of the Commander’s bed, “I am not
bothered by the bruises or the scars or anything like that, I just know that you are in pain and I
know having sex right now would make that worse.”
“These wounds are nothing, I can still please you,” The Commander insisted, “You think me
weak.”
“God, no!” Raven said, quickly getting frustrated, “This is not about your strength, I know you
could fuck me right now and I know I would very much enjoy it, but you would need to push
through the pain I know you must be feeling right now and I don’t want that, I don’t want you to be
in pain and I don’t want to be the person making that pain worse.”
The Commander didn’t say anything for a few long seconds, she was just looking back at Raven
like she couldn’t understand a single word that had come out of her mouth.
“You care about my pain?” The Commander asked awkwardly, her lips moving around the words
like it was the first time she had ever said them, to her they didn’t make any sense, no one cared
about her pain, not unless it kept her from fulfilling her duty, and if that was the case she knew
they would care more about preparing the Conclave than about helping her get better.
The words made Raven physically and emotionally recoil, she stood from the Commander’s bed
and looked away for a moment before responding, feeling suddenly very uncomfortable and
exposed.
“No, I wouldn’t say that, I don’t care about you, I just can't get in the mindset to have sex knowing
you are hurt,” Raven said, almost flinching at her own words. It was one thing to not care about
the Commander and another altogether to say it to her face.
Raven thought that maybe she would see the Commander’s expression changing, that her words
would maybe upset her, because she knew they had been hurtful. And yes, the Commander
expression did change, just not how Raven thought it would. Before, she had been confused, as if
the thought of Raven caring about her was completely nonsensical, illogical and even ridiculous,
but then, when the Mechanic said she didn’t care the confusion in the Commander’s face faded
and was quickly replaced by understanding. The Commander nodded, her face calm and empty,
like everything made sense. On the inside she was laughing at herself, of course Raven didn’t care,
why would she?
“I understand,” The Commander said finally, “I will see you tomorrow, I was told the park is
ready?”
“It is, we just need to gather the kids and take them there.”
“Good, sleep well, Raven,” The Commander said just as Lana came inside with a tray in her hands.
“You too,” The omega said as she slowly walked out of the room.
…………………….
That night Raven lay alone in her bed, wide awake, curled up under the furs. She knew the
Commander had fallen asleep because she heard the familiar sounds of the alpha having a
nightmare. In the middle of the night there was only silence and Raven’s room was only two doors
down from the Commander’s, the rest of the floor pretty much empty aside from the guards that
kept them safe. Raven wondered if maybe the nightmares were the reason why not many people
were allowed to stay on that floor, because then they would see that the Commander was troubled
at night, they would see weakness.
Raven sat up, her bare feet brushing the ground as she got ready to stand up. Before she could
make a move, she remembered what she had told the Commander just a few hours ago. I don’t care
about you. Raven had looked into the Commander’s eyes and she had said those words, she didn’t
care, she never would, she could never care about the Commander, not after everything.
Raven clenched her jaw, hands curled into fists as they pressed against the furs. Two doors down
the Commander let out her loudest scream yet and Raven knew by the silence that followed that
the alpha had woken herself up. She couldn’t keep the image of the Commander trembling and
hyperventilating out of her mind, she couldn’t stop thinking about the tears in her cheeks and the
redness that consumed her eyes.
Her train of thought was suddenly cut off by the sound of steps coming towards her room, Raven
rushed to get back down and curl up under the furs, closing her eyes and pretending to be asleep.
Her door was opened a few seconds later and Raven recognized the soft steps that neared her bed.
“Raven,” Lana whispered, her voice dripping with concern, “Heda… Heda is troubled… I don’t
think she will be able to go back to sleep…” Lana trailed off, seeing that the omega didn’t move,
didn’t react at her words. The handmaiden assumed she was deeply asleep and let out a long sigh,
she would get a warm tea for Heda, maybe that would help.
The Mechanic heard the other woman leave and pulled the furs up to cover her face, the
Commander’s problems, whatever kept her up at night, it was none of her business. She didn’t
care, she didn’t care, she didn’t care.
……………………..
When morning came Raven was invited to eat with the Heda, as she had been ever since she had
arrived. The alpha was already seated at the table when she got there and the dark bags that framed
her eyes made a sick feeling develop in her gut.
“Raven,” The Commander said, her tone pleasant, her eyes red rimmed with exhaustion, her eyelids
swollen and heavy looking. “Today is a good day, the children will get to play under the sun,” the
alpha said, pleased by the lack of rain on the day of the park opening. The sky was clear, the sun
was bright and warm, it was perfect. “Did you sleep well?”
“I did,” Raven said, feeling much too sickened to return the question, she knew the answer already.
“Good, feel free to fill your plate.”
Raven did as told, filling her plate and starting to eat quickly after, trying to tell herself that the sick
feeling in her stomach came from hunger and not from guilt.
During the time Raven spent eating the Commander did the same, or at least pretended to. She was
pushing her food around her plate, never bringing it up to her mouth. Lana seemed to hover around
for a moment, before asking if the Commander wished to eat something else.
“No, this is perfect,” the alpha answered and started bringing small pieces of fruit up to her mouth.
She chewed painfully slow and swallowed with great difficulty, looking like she was going to gag
every single time.
“Heda,” a gona came through the door, the Commander looked up and signaled him to approach.
The bulky man leaned down to whisper something in her ear and moments later the Commander
was standing up.
“Raven, I will meet you midafternoon,” The Commander said, turning to Lana for a moment and
thanking her for the food she had barely touched before leaving the room.
The handmaiden moved towards the table with a small frown on her face, visibly concerned, she
started picking up the plates and noticed that the Commander hadn’t even touched her glass of
water.
Raven didn’t say a word, she bit the inside of her cheek and watched as the handmaiden walked
away.
……………………
Raven couldn’t contain her smile, she just couldn’t. The kids of Polis were running around the park
she had designed and built, they were happy, visibly elated and rushing to try everything at once.
She had spent some time playing with them, at first, they were reluctant, hesitant, not knowing
what to do with the pieces of wood and metal strewn all around the clearing they used to play in.
So, Raven had taken some time to show them, even if she had never been to a park either, she had
seen enough of them in movies to know how to work everything out. They might not speak the
same language, but they were kids and they just wanted to play, Raven could definitely do that
with them.
“It will be much easier to play war now that there is a castle to defend,” The Commander
mentioned once she came to stand by Raven’s side, her eyes on the wooden structure located in the
middle of the clearing. The front of the castle had an arched opening that gave away to the inside,
where different floating platforms allowed the kids to climb up to the very top of the castle. The
back side of the castle was connected to a slide, while the right side attached to the monkey bars
and the left to the still rings.
“That should be fun,” Raven said with a smile, “I’d like to be here to see them playing war with the
castle.”
“You are welcome to stay for as long as you wish,” The Commander said, “Maybe in a couple of
days, when they are more used to the new park, they will start playing war while using the
different games.”
Raven only nodded in response, her eyes still on the children. She breathed in deeply and when she
let it out, she felt much lighter than before, an invisible weight vanishing from her shoulders.
“You are pleased,” The Commander stated, and Raven could feel her eyes on the side of her face,
watching her silently.
“I am, I just… Since we landed I have been making weapons, I have made other things, mostly
repairs on different things inside Arkadia and The Mountain, but this is the first time since we got
here that something I did has not caused pain to someone else…” Raven trailed off, surprised by
how her eyes watered and how her voice seemed to tremble. “What I created made these kids
happy and that feels really, really good.”
“Not only them,” The Commander said quietly, moving to stand closer to Raven so no one else
would hear her words. “The Blacksmiths, the Woodworkers, the Builders, they are all here and
they are all happy as well. The parents of these children…” The Commander said as she glanced
around the clearing, moving Raven to do the same and see how the adults stood around, speaking
towards each other, eyes shining as they watched their children run around and laugh freely. “Their
childhood was not like this, Raven, they didn’t get any of this, they lived in fear, but their children
won’t, their children are happy.”
“That’s not something I did, though, that was you,” Raven said, no smirk in her mouth, no playful
eyes, only honesty. “These children got to play and to run around and to laugh and feel safe before I
build them this park, and that was your doing.”
The Commander dipped her chin the slightest bit, offering Raven the smallest nod, taking the
compliment as humbly as she could. Her shoulders seemed to loosen in their rigid posture and even
if her eyes were framed by deep bags Raven could see that she was content.
“You gave them more happiness, and I am thankful for that,” The Commander said, her eyes
honest and brightly green under the sunlight. “This right here, it makes everything worth it.”
“It does,” Raven said quietly, the smile coming back to her face as she watched a pair of kids,
probably siblings. The older one carried his little sister on his shoulders, allowing her to cross the
monkey bars from one side to the other, she gave a happy scream when she was done, though she
had done no effort, and curled her small arms around her brother’s head, giving him an awkward
hug. Raven watched the boy smile and reach up with his arms to steady his sister, brushing a kiss
to the knee that almost hit him in the face. “It really does.”
In that moment Raven managed to truly understand why that clearing had been the Commander’s
favorite place.
A kid, a boy, no more than six years old was trying to get as fast as he could to the recently vacated
swing, but to walk he used a makeshift crutch. Another boy ran past him, knocking accidentally
against his shoulder and throwing him hard against the ground. The boy fell forwards, and a cry
followed soon after. Suddenly the Commander was no longer at Raven’s side.
She was right there, by the child’s side, wiping his tears away with her thumbs and helping him
calm down. Raven didn’t understand a word, but she knew that if the Commander ever looked at
her with such a soft expression she would calm down, too. The alpha brushed her hand gently over
the boy’s shaggy black hair, cupping his cheek with her free hand while she spoke to him in soft
whispers. A few seconds later the boy was nodding and wiping his own tears away with a tiny
smile on his face.
The Commander helped him stand up and grabbed the crutch for him, waiting until he was steady
enough before she straightened to her full height. Raven was able to see the reason for the crutch
then, the boy’s leg was splinted from the thigh and down to his ankle, leaving his leg permanently
in a straightened position. Raven knew, by how easily the boy moved with the crutch, that the
injury wasn’t recent, that he had had enough time to get used to the crutch and to gain speed and
mobility with it.
The Commander then send him on his way, saying one last thing to him before he walked away.
“What did you say to him?” Raven asked.
“To ask for what he wants, if he just waits for someone to free one of the swings, he will be
standing there for quite some time. I told him to ask for one of the swings, and I told him to come
get me if none of the children borrow it.” The Commander said and surely Raven saw the kids on
the swings turning their way, the Commander gave them a nod and that was enough for all the kids
to free the swings, giving a new round of kids the chance to try them.
“What happened to him?”
“I am unsure,” The Commander said, and Raven wasn’t surprised, she couldn’t possibly know
about the life of every single person in her city. “But I do know his leg has been like that for
almost a year now.”
Raven hummed to herself, watching the kid do his best to have fun while having to drag the weight
of his leg around. Raven knew well how that felt and wondered if maybe Abby could help him.
……………………..
Once they started losing light the kids and their parents started to leave, the sun was gone, leaving
the moon to shine up in the sky, making it more dangerous for the children to run around and injure
themselves.
Raven watched the park from her place sitting on the grass and then glanced up at the Commander,
who was standing a few feet away talking quietly with one of her guards. Raven waited until they
were finished and then stood up, walking towards the Commander’s side.
“Hey, there’s no one else here, why don’t you try the swings?” Raven offered with a smile and the
Commander arched her eyebrows.
“It is for the children; it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to use them.”
“Why not? The swing will hold your weight just fine, I made sure they are resistant, it would be
fine, I swear.”
“I am Heda, Raven, I cannot be seen playing, I have my duty to fulfill,” The Commander said, her
tone severe. Raven thought she should back off, but she didn’t.
“Just for a couple of minutes, I will push you myself.” Raven said, daring to take the
Commander’s hand and pull her towards the park, “Come on, it will be just a minute.”
The Commander sighed and offered Raven a short nod, the omega smiled brightly and pulled the
alpha towards the swings.
“Sit down and hold on, I will push you, okay?” Raven said, watching as the Commander sat down
on the wooden base of the swing.
“I am sure I can do this on my own, Raven.”
“I know, but I am sure your ribs wouldn’t appreciate it so I am going to push you,” Raven said,
placing her hands on the Commander’s back and giving her a gentle push. Little by little she added
strength to each push and the Commander got higher and higher. Raven wasn’t sure she was
enjoying it as the Commander didn’t say a word, the Mechanic could only see the way she
tightened her hands around the chains, holding on for dear life.
Raven had never heard the Commander laugh, she didn’t think she ever would, she wasn’t sure the
Heda was even able to do that, but right when she got as high as she could on the swing a quiet
sound left her lips. Raven rushed around the swing, wishing to see the expression on her face, it
took her a second to realize she had missed it. The Commander was sporting a small smile, her
head tilted back as her eyes remained closed, the wind just slightly messing up her braids, setting
strands of hair free from them. The only thing that remained of her laugh was that quiet sound,
sweet and short, breathy and light. It hadn’t been a full-blown laugh, Raven knew that, but it had
been a laugh all the same, and it had probably been suppressed as soon as the Commander noticed
it was coming out.
Raven knew it had happened, though, and that allowed for the satisfaction she was feeling to
remain bubbling freely in her chest. The small smile in the Commander face didn’t disappear, not
until the swing stopped moving and she opened her eyes. Raven was staring right at her and she
saw as embarrassment slowly replaced the joy the Commander had been feeling just a few
moments before. She saw it in the way her pretty cheeks were suddenly filled with color, she saw it
in the way she looked away and pressed her lips into a tight line, successfully hiding her smile.
Raven moved to the swing next to the Commander’s and sat down, trying to make the situation
less uncomfortable for the alpha.
“Fun, right?” Raven asked, her eyes on the side of the Commander’s face. The alpha had her feet
on the ground and was pushing herself forwards and backwards just slightly, her head tilting back
as she looked up at the sky.
“It was nice, Raven. Thank you,” The alpha said quietly, her words coming out with hesitance, not
knowing if she had expressed herself well.
Raven stayed quiet for a while, she knew what she wanted to say, but she didn’t want to make the
Commander more uncomfortable than she already was. She bit her lip, fighting internally with
herself until she concluded that she shouldn’t really care about what the Commander was feeling,
so she would say what she wanted to say regardless of how the alpha might feel about it.
“I think that short laugh I heard was pretty nice, too,” Raven said, smiling to herself and hoping the
Commander would turn and meet her eyes.
“Thank you, Raven,” the alpha said, her tone even more quiet than before as she turned her head to
the side and met Raven’s dark eyes with her own. “It’s been a couple of years since I last did it.”
Raven’s lighthearted mood seemed to plummet to the floor all at once, her smile quickly
disappearing and a deep frown taking over her face. The Commander noticed immediately and
rushed to backtrack.
“Forgive me, I did not mean to upset you,” the alpha said, her eyes never moving away from
Raven’s as they tried their best to convey their honesty.
“You didn’t, really,” Raven said, she was not at all upset, because she did not care about the
Commander, so the fact that she had spent years without laughing didn’t affect Raven in the
slightest. “You just surprised me that was all, do you remember when was the last time you did it?
before tonight, I mean,” Raven asked, she didn’t know why she asked, though, because it didn’t
really matter to her, she was only curious.
“Three years ago, a few weeks before Costia was taken,” The Commander mentioned, and the sole
mention of that name made Raven’s insides ache.
“She was the one to provoke it?”
“Yes,” the Commander said, her voice sigh like as her gaze seemed to get lost somewhere over
Raven’s shoulder. “I had just come back from battle and she hadn’t been notified of my return, she
was in our bathroom washing her mouth with a few mint leaves and cup of water. She didn’t hear
me coming so when I touched her, she lurched and she threw the water at her own face, the water
in her mouth also came out through her nose. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing and she didn’t
seem to mind…” the Commander said, her eyes glimmering under the moonlight as her good
shoulder went up in a half shrug.
Raven could feel a knot developing in the base of her throat, keeping her from breathing properly,
her chest ached deeply and she clutched tightly onto the chains of the swing to keep herself from
getting out of control. The Commander was still lost in the memory, her eyes shinny with wetness
and her lips spread into the softest smile Raven had ever seen on her face.
“... she just threw herself at me and her arms- her arms squeezed me so tight… She started laughing
as well, looking at me like she was overjoyed to see me, like she was happy I was back… She tried
to kiss me, but I was still laughing so strongly. I know now that part of the reason why I was
laughing was because I was sure I wouldn’t see her again, and getting back home, mostly
unharmed seemed so ridiculous…” The Commander seemed to catch herself then, she remembered
who she was, she remembered who she was with, she remembered who she was supposed to be
and how she was supposed to behave.
Raven saw the realization fall over her face like a mask, twisting her features into the hard,
impenetrable expression she usually sported. The Commander cleared her throat and turned away,
refusing to look back at Raven until her feelings were back in place, far below the surface. They
did not matter either way.
Raven refused to let her retreat emotionally like that, feeling like she was losing the person under
the armor the longer she allowed the Commander to hide herself behind the role she was supposed
to play.
“Was that the last time someone held you, too?” Raven asked, and the Commander visibly
clenched her jaw, her teeth grinding so hard Raven could almost feel it.
“No,” the Commander said, and Raven had started to feel relieved until the alpha finished her
sentence. “The last time was two weeks later; on the day she was taken.” The information was
delivered in such a detached way, the Commander’s tone of voice neutral and uncaring as she
spoke the words into existence.
The lack of feeling in her words didn’t make the information easier to digest, Raven felt suddenly
sick and she realized the same amount of time must have passed since someone last helped the
Commander with her nightmares, since someone expressed being happy about seeing her, about
having her back safe.
“She sounds beautiful,” Raven said, her voice nothing but a murmur, still, it was never unsure,
never dishonest.
“She was,” The Commander said, turning to look at Raven once more and giving her a short nod.
“Thank you, Raven.”
“No need, I am just telling you what I think.”
A gona moved closer to the Commander and leaned down to whisper something in her ear, a
moment later he moved away and the Commander stood from the swing.
“Dinner is waiting for us back in the tower,” The alpha said, moving towards Raven and offering
her hand to help her stand up.
“You do know I can get up on my own, right?” Raven asked, looking up at the Commander with a
faint undertone of annoyance in her voice, the last thing she needed was to be seeing as a fragile
little thing.
“Yes,” The Commander said, not even stopping to think about her answer, and not taking back the
offered hand.
“Good,” Raven said, taking the offered hand and standing up, knowing the Commander had
probably offered to be courteous and not because of pity.
They walked back to the tower in silence, they had dinner in silence and when Raven got to bed
that night, she found that with the Commander the silence was never uncomfortable.
…………………….
Raven didn’t know what provoked it, or if there was anything provoking it at all, maybe it was just
her own mind torturing her, maybe it was the desolation in the Commander’s face as she spoke of
her love that triggered her, she didn’t know what it was, but that night she was the one that woke
up screaming.
It seemed that the Commander didn’t have the reservations that Raven had had the night before,
because when Raven woke up, heaving for air, soaked with sweat and with her eyes burning with
tears, the Commander was there. She was crouched next to the bed, close to where Raven’s head
was resting on, she was shushing Raven gently, telling her it was okay, that she was safe.
The Commander pressed a small towel over Raven’s brow, wiping away the sweat and then she
just stayed there, whispering soft assurances until the Mechanic’s breathing was back to normal.
“It’s okay, you are safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you here,” the Commander whispered, her hand
coming to rest on top of Raven’s shaky one, curling around her fingers to try and diminish the
trembling. That was the only thing the Commander allowed herself to do, not knowing if any
further contact would be well received, not daring to touch the omega any further without
permission. “Here,” She continued, as she offered Raven a fresh cup of water.
Raven drank desperately, gulping the water down her sore throat like it would suddenly disappear
from her. Some of the liquid spilled down her cheeks, leaving trails of water down her neck and
chin. The Commander moved slowly so Raven would be able to predict her movement and wiped
out the spilt water, taking the chance to also wipe away the sweat that pearled Raven’s neck.
“More?” The Commander asked quietly, doing her best to not startle Raven with her voice. The
Mechanic didn’t seem to react, she only sat there, staring blankly forwards, one hand in the
Commander’s while the other gripped tightly onto the wooden cup. Her breathing was a bit better
but her heart was still racing.
The Commander didn’t wait for a response and let go of Raven’s hand. The loss of contact seemed
to make the omega react, her head violently twisted to the side, her eyes locking on the
Commander’s form, making sure she was still there.
“I will just get you more water, is that okay?” the Commander asked, not moving her eyes away
from the omega’s until she received a shaky nod in return.
The Commander then reached for the cup on the Mechanic’s hand, she wouldn’t let go and Raven
didn’t seem to know what was happening so the Commander gently brushed her fingers over the
omega’s. Slowly and as softly as she could, the Commander ran the calloused pads of her fingers
over the back Raven’s, they had turned white with the strength the omega was putting around the
wooden cup, but eventually, after a few minutes of the alphas delicate touch the Mechanic’s
fingers seemed to relax until they weren’t holding the cup anymore.
The Commander filled it up with more water and offered it again. Raven’s eyes were still stuck on
her face, not moving, not focusing on the offered cup until the Commander grasped her hand and
put the wooden cup against her palm.
“More water,” the Commander whispered, Raven’s frazzled brain was slow to process it, but
eventually she was able to place her attention on the wooden cup pressed to her hand, she still
hadn’t tightened her grip around it so the only thing keeping it from falling where the
Commander’s hands as they held Raven’s own hand around the cup. Raven could feel the smooth
wood under her palm and the warmth of the Commander’s skin pressed against the back of her
hand.
She drank the water much more slowly than before and once she was done her mind was much
clearer. She looked down at the Commander, her lungs aching with how hard she had been
breathing.
“Did I wake you?” Raven asked, her voice not quite as steady as usual.
“No, I woke myself up,” the Commander said, and the omega heard what she was truly saying.
“Nightmare, too?” Raven asked quietly, and the Commander, not being one to lie, nodded her head.
“Wow, we should make a competition and see who screams the loudest.” Raven said, rolling her
eyes at herself and ducking her head, trying her best to cover up her embarrassment with humor.
“There is no need to be ashamed, you have been through a lot,” the Commander said, and Raven
looked back at her with an unimpressed expression on her face.
“That’s very hypocritical of you, I know you are ashamed of your nightmares.”
“I am not being hypocritical, we are not the same, when I say you do not need to be ashamed, I
truly mean it,” the Commander said, and Raven knew, because of the open expression on her face,
that she truly meant what she was saying.
“So, you get to be ashamed of this because you are Commander?”
“Yes, I should be stronger than this.”
“That’s bullshit, if I don’t get to feel pathetic over waking up crying and screaming, neither do
you,” Raven said strongly and watched the Commander shake her head.
“You do not understand-”
“No, you don’t understand, you are as human as I am, you can feel everything I feel, and you
should be able to be in pain without feeling ashamed about it,” Raven said stubbornly, curling her
arms protectively over her chest.
“My people would not agree with you.”
“That’s because they are all idiots,” Raven said with a huff, rolling her eyes as hard as she possibly
could. When she looked back down the Commander was offering her a small smile.
“Is there anything I can do for you to sleep better? Are you warm enough? Do you have enough
pillows? Do you like to sleep in complete darkness? I could get you some candles to light up the
room while you sleep.” The Commander said, looking expectantly up at Raven.
“No, the room is perfect, very comfortable. I don’t know, maybe I ate too much at dinner,” Raven
said with a shrug, she knew nightmares sometimes came without reason and she didn’t think her
room had anything to do with it, she had slept perfectly fine since she had gotten to Polis, and
thankfully she had had no nightmares during the nights she had actually slept in the Commander’s
bed. She figured it didn’t matter much, she was sleeping in her room and the alpha had still gotten
out of bed to check on her.
“I will order to have lighter meals prepared for you at night,” the Commander said with a slight
frown.
“It’s fine, really, I don’t really see any reason for this.”
“Is there anything I can do? Do you miss home? We can arrange for you to be picked up as soon as
possible.”
“Are you kicking me out?” Raven asked jokingly, the Commander didn’t seem to catch her tone,
for her eyes got comically wide.
“No, Raven, I would never. What I mean is that this is the first time you have been away from your
people for a prolonged period of time, maybe that is causing your distress.”
“I was joking, and I don’t really think that’s it, Kane is here, the guards that follow him around are
here. I spent quite some time with him while you were gone, so I don’t think that’s causing my
nightmares. I don’t think there is much to do, except, maybe you could stick around to make sure
no monsters come for me in the middle of the night.” Raven said with a teasing smile, but again,
the Commander didn’t catch her tone, she straightened and her face turned into stone.
“You can be sure I will do my best to make sure no harm comes to you.”
“Commander, I was only-”
“Try to sleep, I will be here,” the Commander interrupted, sitting on a chair facing the door.
“Really, it is not necessary,” Raven tried again, but the Commander was having none of it. She
took a knife from who knows where and faced the door, telling Raven to get some rest.
“Sleep, Raven, I will let no harm come to you.”
The Mechanic sighed, secretly endeared by the alpha’s actions and at the same time wishing she
hadn’t taken her joke so seriously, now she was sure the Commander wouldn’t sleep.
“You should really go to sleep if you are tired,” Raven tried again and the alpha gave her a side
glance, almost as if the omega had insulted her.
“I am not tired,” she said strongly and Raven decided to back off, curling up under the furs facing
the alpha.
“Okay, okay, feel free to join me in bed if you get uncomfortable on that chair, okay?”
“Yes, sleep well, Raven.”
Raven let out a little hum in response and stayed where she was, looking at the Commander, at the
faint shadow of her looking dutifully at the door, keeping her shoulders squared and her head tilted
up, ready to spring into action. Raven would be lying if she said that sight didn’t make her feel
safe.
Slowly, that feeling seemed to sip into her bones, making them feel heavy, making her eyelids feel
like lead and her eyes burn with exhaustion. Eventually, she could not keep them open, and even as
the darkness consumed her, she could see the Commander watching over her, right there, behind
her eyes. Ultimately, that was what lulled her into a deep slumber.
……………….
When Raven woke up the next day she was greeted by the same image, the Commander sitting on
the chair, facing the door, knife in hand. Raven couldn’t help but blink quickly in disbelief, unable
to process that the Commander had truly stayed with her all night, looking after her in her sleep.
“Hey,” Raven croaked, voice hoarse with sleep. The Commander turned to look at her and stood
up, walking towards Raven and kneeling by the side of her bed. She was the picture of exhaustion,
dark bags framing red rimmed eyes. Still, she offered Raven a tiny smile, it was a barely there
gesture, almost invisible and meant to be reassuring.
“You are safe,” the Commander said quietly, avoiding to disturb the tranquility of the morning.
“I know, I am sorry about last night, I didn’t mean to keep you awake.”
“It is not a problem, I do not usually sleep after a nightmare so I would have been awake either
way,” the Commander mentioned, doing her best so Raven wouldn’t feel guilty.
Raven couldn’t stop thinking about how the Commander would have probably slept if Raven had
spoken to her about something, just like she had done last time when she told the alpha about the
stars. She felt quite stupid, maybe she didn’t care about the Commander but that shouldn’t have
stopped her from helping her with her nightmare, letting her suffer the night before had just been
fucked up.
“Thank you for staying,” Raven said with a smile and the Commander offered her a short nod.
“No need. You should go back to sleep; it is still quite early in the morning. I must go train, but
you should have a few more hours of rest.”
“You will train with that arm and those ribs?” Raven asked, both eyebrows arched with surprise.
“You are going to hurt yourself.”
The Commander sighed, tilting her head to the side, she didn’t seem too happy about having to
train either.
“It will feel slightly uncomfortable, nothing major. Get some sleep, I will meet you for breakfast,”
The Commander said, not waiting for Raven to say another word before she walked outside.
……………………..
With the park finished Raven didn’t have much to do so she left the tower and walked towards the
park, just to watch the children play for a little bit.
She sat down under the shade of a tree, silently watching as the children ran around and played, a
small smile spreading across her lips.
“Raven? Hello? Are you there?” Came Abby’s voice from the radio hanging over Raven’s belt.
“Yes, I am here. How is everything going back at Arkadia?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary, the fence broke down again, but Sinclair was able to fix it.”
“That shit fence, I think we really have to look into it, it can’t just keep breaking down all the
time.” Raven said with a huff, annoyed, she hoped the damage was not too serious.
“Do not worry yourself with that now, I reached out to ask how are you doing in Polis.” Abby said,
her voice colored with concern.
“We have spoken every day; everything is fine here.”
“And how did the park opening go, did the kids like it?”
“Loved it, complete success. The Commander mentioned that it will be cooler for them to play war
now that they have a castle to defend,” Raven said with a smile.
“Doesn’t sound like the most appropriate game, but I understand, I suppose. I am glad they like it.
I will be sending for you right away, the guards can rest tonight and bring you back tomorrow
morning, would that be okay?” Abby said and Raven’s eyes widened in surprise, her first instinct
was to tell her no, to give her a few more days in Polis, but what would be her excuse? She had
already done everything she was supposed to.
“Yeah, that’s fine, Abby, thank you,” Raven said, feeling dejected and not even knowing why.
“No need, Raven, I will see you tomorrow.”
……………………..
“Abby sent for me, our guards should be arriving here in a few hours and I will be leaving
tomorrow morning,” Raven said, interrupting their quiet dinner. The Commander had had a really
busy day, which was why the omega hadn’t really gotten to lay eyes on her until their last meal.
“Oh,” The Commander said as she looked up from her plate, Raven wanted to believe she saw
disappointment in her eyes, but she couldn’t be sure, the Commander was keeping her emotions in
check like she always did. “I suppose it is good timing, the park is ready and finished so you no
longer have a reason to stay. I will make sure Lana prepares some food for your trip back, is there
anything you need?”
“No, I am good. I was just wondering if the kid from the park could come with me,” Raven said,
watching as the Commander’s brows creased slightly in the middle. “I am sure Abby could do
something about his leg, I am not saying he will regain full function or anything, but maybe she
could reduce his pain or allow him at least some mobility in that leg.”
“Do you honestly believe that to be possible?” The Commander asked, her voice showing concern.
“I wouldn’t like to give him hope of moving his leg again only for him to get disappointed in the
end.”
“Trust me, I know how these things are. I will make sure his expectations remain as low as
possible. There’s no way we are telling him he will walk on his own again, I just think Abby
should give us an opinion on this matter. I mean, I don’t want to insult your healers, but how can
they possibly heal a bone properly if they can’t see what’s wrong to begin with.” Raven said, her
tone hiding a small laugh of disbelief. She was sure the grounder healers were good, they had kept
the Commander alive for years and they did the best they could for their people, but there was no
way to deny that the Skaikru could offer more, especially for those with problems like Raven’s and
the kid’s, maybe he wouldn’t regain full function in his leg, but having at least a bit of relief would
be more than enough.
“We may speak to his Nomon tomorrow morning, I am afraid the conversation could delay your
departure.”
“That’d be fine, I just want to know if we can help him. Things are hard enough now, when he
grows up, they will only get harder.”
“Thank you, your intentions are very kind,” The Commander said with a smile, and Raven couldn’t
stop the flush that rushed up her neck and towards her cheeks.
“It’s fine, really.” Raven said, brushing it off, but secretly feeling quite good about herself after
making the Commander smile.
“I hope your stay here has been pleasant.”
“Oh, yes, it really has been, Polis is fun,” Raven said, looking up and finding the Commander’s
gaze. “Everyone seems to be doing really well here and I will for sure miss those pastries.”
“We can get more before you leave, you could take them home with you,” the Commander offered
and Raven nodded her head quickly, she wouldn’t miss out on that opportunity.
“Heda, if I may,” Titus said from the entrance, the Commander turned to look at him and nodded,
turning her face towards Raven.
“I will see you tomorrow, Raven, rest well.”
“You too, Commander,” the omega said as she watched her go.
……………………..
They saw each other much earlier than expected. Raven couldn’t sleep, she was just lying in bed
staring at the ceiling when the screaming started, this time she didn’t freeze, she didn’t stay sitting
on her bed wondering what she would do. No, she put on her brace and left her room, stumbling in
to Lana on the way to the Commander’s room.
“Raven,” Lana said, her eyes wide as she stumbled slightly around her words. “Heda- the
Commander- she- she is in distress.”
“I know, I was just making my way to her room.”
“Oh! Thank you, Heda has not been sleeping well lately.”
“It’s fine,” Raven said, brushing it off as she walked towards the Commander’s room. The guards
didn’t even blink at her, barely reacting to her presence as they merely moved to open the doors for
her, they were more than used to having her spending the night in the Commander’s room.
For a moment the omega had some trouble finding the Commander, the bed was unmade and
messy but empty, leaving Raven to follow the sound of gasping breaths and wheezing. She found
the Commander on the floor next to the bed, clutching her knees close to her chest, keeping her
arms tight around her legs and burying her head down over the top of her knees. Raven moved
slowly, not wanting to startle her and sat down facing the other alpha. Raven knew by the sound of
those choked gasps that there was no way she was getting much oxygen inside her lungs.
“Hey, Heda,” Raven said, her tone strong but not loud, it was simply steady, reassuring. “You are
safe here, no one is going to hurt you,” Raven said, she didn’t know what the Commander’s
nightmares were about, but she figured letting the Commander know that she was safe was her best
bet.
It didn’t quite work, the Commander tightened her arms around her legs once more and buried her
head further against her legs, making breathing even harder.
“It’s just me, I am not going to hurt you,” Raven said, getting increasingly more worried once she
heard the Commander’s breathing pattern get much worse. She wasn’t sure if she should touch her
or not, but what other option did she have?
Raven lifted her hand and with as much gentleness as she could she ran the pads of her fingers over
the back of the Commander’s hand, the alpha flinched back and only tightened her grip around her
own legs.
“It’s fine, I am sorry I touched you, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I am going to touch you again,
okay? It’s just me,” Raven said, hoping that the calmness in her tone somehow would get to the
Commander.
She lifted her hand once more, and this time when she ran her fingertips over the back of the
Commander’s hand the alpha’s grip around her leg loosened and she lifted her head slightly,
peering up at Raven with bloodshot green eyes.
“Yes, it’s just me, Lexa. Can I call you Lexa?” the Mechanic asked, she knew the Commander’s
title, her duties, her responsibilities, they were all a source of anxiety, they had to be, and that was
the last thing the alpha needed.
The alpha didn’t respond, but the lack of objection was enough for Raven to keep calling her that.
“I am going to take your hand now, yes?” the omega asked, but still the alpha didn’t respond, she
just continued to gasp and wheeze to a point where Raven started worrying, she would make
herself pass out. Again, Raven took the lack of objection as her go ahead, she took the
Commander’s hand in her own and pressed it against the middle of her chest, hoping the alpha
could feel her calm breathing and steady heartbeat. “Just do what I do. In.” Raven said, taking a
deep breath slowly and holding it for a few seconds. “Out.” Raven let out the air through her
mouth, very gently, very slow, until her lungs felt complete depleted.
The Commander tried to do the same, but it was shaky, her breath stuttering in her mouth, often cut
off and not at all fluid.
“Nice, that’s very good,” Raven said, offering a smile even if what she said had been a lie. “Again,
In.” 1, 2, 3, 4. “Out.”
The Commander did the best she could, and with the feeling of Raven’s hand over the back of her
hand, with the feeling of her chest expanding under her palm, she was able to start getting her
breathing under control.
“Perfect, you are doing so well. Let’s go again,” Raven said, keeping her tone sweet and reassuring
as she brushed her fingers gently over the back of the Commander’s hand, keeping it pressed
against her sternum.
Raven lost count of how many times they did the same thing, but eventually the Commander’s
breathing evened and her muscles loosened, leaving her slumped against the side of the bed.
“Thank you,” The Commander whispered, her head lolled to the side and pressed against the
wooden edge of the bed, her eyelids swollen and her lips pale.
“It’s fine,” Raven said, feeling slightly concerned about the severity of the attack, wondering if the
Commander had to push through them on her own. “Does this happen often?”
The Commander shrugged in a way that gave Raven no relief. “Only when my dreams are
particularly difficult.”
“Okay,” Raven said, removing the Commander’s hand from her chest, but not letting go of it and
holding it between both of her own instead. “Who helps you when it happens?”
“I’m on my own when it happens, I don’t appreciate people seeing me like this and my people
wouldn’t be pleased to know about it.”
“Does it bother you that I have seen you like this?” Raven answer hesitantly, feeling like she
already knew the answer to that question.
“Yes, greatly. I do not mean to offend you, the problem is not you,” The Commander quickly said,
rushing to explain and giving the omega’s hand a weak squeeze.
“I understand, I am not happy about you seeing me like you saw me last night either,” Raven said,
she knew there was no reason to be embarrassed, but she was anyway, she couldn’t even imagine
how the Commander felt when she wasn’t even allowed to have any kind of weakness. “I think that
makes us both a little stupid.” Raven said, and the Commander’s face instantly shifted into a
frown. A shot of anxiety travelled quickly down Raven’s spine, maybe she had gone a little too far
with her last comment, she had basically insulted the Commander of the Thirteen Clans.
“I do not find you stupid, Raven,” The Commander said, finding the strength to lift her head from
the edge of the bed to look at the omega properly. “I think this world has been unkind to you and I
think it is normal for that pain to resurface every once in a while, it’s okay, you still greet each
morning with a smile and that on itself is testimony of your strength and resilience.”
Raven’s mouth opened and closed a few times, her brain function seeming to halt to a stop at the
words that came out of the Commander’s mouth. A warmth she had not felt in a really long time
bloomed behind her sternum and spread outwards, sending a red flush up her neck and towards her
cheeks.
“Forgive me, I did not mean to offend you,” the Commander said tiredly, her tone carrying an
undertone of regret as she lowered her head back against the side of the bed.
“You didn’t, that was really nice of you to say.” Raven said, brushing her thumb over the back of
the Commander’s hand.
“Oh. Good. I don’t find myself to be particularly proficient when it comes to speaking about
feelings, or personal matters.” the Commander whispered, her voice faint as it echoed between the
two of them. She blinked slowly, her swollen eyelids making it so hard to keep her eyes open.
Raven could see how exhausted she was and she couldn’t deny it was a little painful to watch.
“You are doing fine, very honest, very eloquent. Your words were very nice,” Raven reassured,
offering the alpha a small smile. “I think those words apply to you as well, except for the smiling
part because you don’t really do that, but the rest of it… I think it is normal for your pain to come
up sometimes, and if I don’t get to feel ashamed about it, neither should you.”
“You don’t understand, Raven, we are not the same.”
“No?” Raven said, her voice laced with mock confusion. “Let’s see, you’ve got two eyes, a nose, a
mouth, two ears… I have all of those as well.”
“Raven-” the Commander tried to say, it was a reprimand and Raven knew it, but she decided to
ignore it either way.
“Okay, okay, no need to get mad, I know your ears are cuter than mine, I know it,” Raven said,
feeling overly pleased with herself when the comment pulled a tiny smile from the Commander
before she could try to hide it.
“My position doesn’t allow for this weakness, Raven,” the Commander said once her smile had
faded.
“That’s bullshit!”
“Raven-”
“No, listen. You do not let your pain beat you, you fight it and you do your best to come out on
top. You don’t give up against your pain, you don’t let it swallow you whole, you don’t let it make
you a bad Commander to your people. All your life is about your duty, you have told me so and I
have seen it during my stay here, but your duty doesn’t take away your feelings, it can’t and it
shouldn’t, they are your humanity and they help you be a good leader, I am sure they do.” Raven
said passionately, trying to make the Commander understand.
“Raven-”
“No, wait. I know you are good at controlling your feelings and I understand that, I know it is
required of you and I am on board with that, but please, do not mistake control for avoidance
because they are not the same thing, and trying to avoid your feelings, or to hide them will only do
more harm than good. I can promise you it will come to bite you in the ass.” Raven said, surprised
when she got a small smile in return, she thought the Commander would throw her off her tower
for cutting her off so many times.
“I will consider your words, Raven, thank you.”
“Oh, no, it’s fine, I mean, you are welcome,” Raven said awkwardly, thrown off by the unexpected
response. “Let’s get you back into bed, okay?” Raven said, using the edge of the bed for support as
she stood up and then pulling the Commander up by the hand she still had in her hold.
The Commander sat back on the edge of the bed and then laid down. Raven didn’t ask for an
invitation, she just laid down as well, leaving enough space between their bodies for another
person to fit in between.
“You should get some sleep,” the omega mentioned and the Commander shook her head.
“I will go back to the dream I was having if I do.”
“Okay, would you like me to talk to you about the stars like the other day?”
“I’d like that,” the Commander said as she rolled onto her side to face Raven properly, “but I have
disturbed you enough as it is.”
“You haven’t disturbed me, I was already awake and you know I can go on and on about this
subject, it’s nice to have someone who will listen.”
“Okay,” the Commander whispered, reaching down for the furs and pulling them up so they
covered Raven’s body.
“Did you know that there are other planets besides ours and that they are moving around the sun,
too?”
“Other planets? Moving around the sun?” the Commander said, a tiny frown of confusion between
her brows. “I thought the sun was the one that moved, I see it move in the sky.”
Raven smiled so hard that her cheeks started to hurt and what followed was a long explanation of
how the earth moved around the sun like all the other planets. The Commander fought exhaustion
for as long as she could, but sometimes she would just doze off, her eyes closing without her
permission and leaving her to shake herself awake a few seconds later.
“Hey, Lexa,” Raven whispered, trying to keep her voice as quiet and soothing as possible. “Just
close your eyes, okay?”
“No, I don’t want to see… what I saw… before…” the Commander murmured, her eyes half
closed, her voice slurred with sleep.
Raven bit her bottom lip, unsure of how to respond.
“You will see the stars in your dreams, only the stars.” The omega insisted, curling up on her side
and speaking as quietly as she could. She could see the way the Commander’s eyelids fell over her
eyes, how they were quick to close, but so very slow to lift again. The Commander would be asleep
in seconds if she only let herself. “Just close your eyes, you will see the sun burning bright, there
will be no more darkness, only light, shining right in front of your eyes. Just close your eyes, Lexa,
and you will see the sun, I promise.”
Raven hoped and prayed to whoever was listening that the Commander wouldn’t go back to the
nightmare she had had before, not only would it be awful for her, but it also would make Raven’s
words meaningless. She knew the Commander would understand that Raven couldn’t actually
make promises about what she would dream about, but the Mechanic couldn’t help but hope that
she would have nice dreams.
“Lexa…” the Commander said, mumbling her own name with her eyes mostly closed, Raven
couldn’t only see a sliver of them peeking from beneath her long eyelashes.
“I can stop calling you that if you want,” Raven whispered, pulling at the furs so they would cover
the alpha’s shoulders.
“No, it’s okay… No one calls me that... I just forget… sometimes…” Her eyes closed all the way
and her breathing evened out quickly after, leaving Raven hanging without getting to hear the rest
of the sentence. What did she forget exactly? Raven wasn’t sure, her own name? Raven brought
her thought process to an abrupt stop before it could go further into that rabbit hole, that thought
was just sickening and Raven refused to entertain it any longer.
She got more comfortable on the bed and continued talking, hoping that the Commander wouldn’t
startle herself awake once more. One minute passed after the next, the alpha didn’t wake up and
Raven felt the weariness of the day catch up with her. The Commander had spent the night with her
to look after her and make sure she wouldn’t have any more bad dreams, doing the same for her
was the least she could do, so she did her best to quiet her brain and closed her eyes. Minutes later
she had also succumbed into a deep slumber.
………………………
When morning came Raven was the first to wake, the light of the sun hitting her almost directly in
the eyes and prompting her to roll over. Her arm landed on something that felt a lot like skin and
Raven’s eyes opened wide in panic, only calming when she noticed who she was touching. The
Commander was in the same position she fell asleep in, curled up on her side and facing Raven, the
omega was sure she hadn’t moved a single muscle since last night.
The fact that there was sunlight meant that it was late enough for the Commander to miss training,
so in any minute Lana would come in looking worried and awkward about waking her up.
Raven’s predictions became a reality about fifteen minutes later, the handmaiden came into the
room quietly, locating herself on Raven’s side of the bed after seeing her awake.
“She has a lesson with the Nightbloods in half a candle mark, if she doesn’t show Titus will hear
about it and he will know she didn’t assist training,” Lana said, a worried frown on her face as she
pulled at her sleeves with her hands.
“Go and tell him that he needs to replace her during the lesson, I am leaving today and she needs to
take me somewhere before that. I need to leave as soon as possible if I want to make it to my Clan
before it’s dark so I need her to take me there now.”
“I will inform him and I will have breakfast brought up to you right away, is there something else
you need?” the handmaiden asked.
“Would be cool if you could bring some clothes from my room and send my bags down or to the
rooms where Bellamy and Miller stayed the night, they could take care of them.” Raven said,
receiving a nod before Lana left the room.
Then came the sad process of waking the Commander up, Raven knew the alpha would wake up as
soon as she touched her, but Raven couldn’t help but feel bad about it, the Commander hadn’t
really slept much, it was more sleep than she had gotten the past couple of nights, but still not
enough to feel properly rested.
“Lexa,” Raven whispered as she placed her hand on the Commander’s bicep, her whole body
tensed and her rand rushed to find the place under her pillow. “No need for the knife, it’s just me.”
Raven said, already knowing that that was going to be the Commander’s first reaction.
“Raven, good morning,” the Commander whispered, her voice hoarse with sleep as she pushed
herself into a sitting position. “Did you sleep well?”
“I did, you?” Raven asked and the Commander offered her a smile, rubbing her right eye with the
heel of her palm.
“Yes, better than the past few nights.”
“Great, I know you have a lesson in a bit, but we need to visit that kid before I leave so I told Lana
to tell Titus to replace you, she will be bringing up breakfast soon, too,” Raven said, feeling
slightly unsure, not knowing if she had overstepped.
“Okay, do you wish to wash yourself?”
“Yes, I will try to make it quick so you can wash yourself, too.” Raven said, the Commander
nodded her approval and stood up, walking towards a table where a huge map was laid on. Raven
sighed and shook her head, walking towards the Commander and standing a few steps right behind
her. “You know you could just take the next few minutes to relax instead of going straight back to
work, right?”
“I already overly slept, I can’t continue to be irresponsible,” the Commander said and Raven
arched her eyebrows.
“The sun is rising, it’s early, it is an ungodly hour to be awake,” Raven insisted, but the alpha
didn’t move, maybe she was asking too much of her. “Okay, I’ll go take a bath now.”
Raven was a few minutes from finishing cleaning up when someone knocked on the door.
“Yeah?”
“Lana brought your clothes, should I enter and give them to you, or would you prefer to change out
here?” the alpha asked, her voice muffled by the door. Raven smiled to herself, thinking about how
endearing it was that the Commander knocked instead of just coming in, respecting Raven’s
modesty as if she hadn’t seen her naked before.
“I’ll change out there, I am almost done now.”
The Commander didn’t respond, but Raven knew she had probably moved away from the door.
The omega finished washing her body and stepped out of the tub, drying her body with a soft towel
before wrapping herself with it.
After she got changed and after the Commander had washed herself, they shared a quick breakfast,
not wanting to waste time and needing to speak with the boy and his mother. With a number of
guards following closely they made their way around the city until they finally reached a small
home, very tiny and made of remnants of the old world, slabs of concrete still standing and serving
as the walls.
The Commander lifted her fist and knocked against the door, a few shouts were heard from the
inside and moments later the door was being opened. A middle-aged woman with dark curly hair
and brown eyes stood there, eyes wide and mouth agape.
“Heda…” She mumbled before dipping into a deep bow.
A fast string of trigedasleng left the Commander’s mouth a moment later. Raven only understood
two words, Skaikru and Arkadia. The Commander must have requested entrance because a moment
later the woman was ushering them inside, offering them chairs to sit on and fresh water to drink.
The Commander denied her offering quickly, but Raven didn’t have the chance to do the same
when a cup of water was pushed into her hands.
The Commander said something else, Raven couldn’t figure it out, but because of the hand
motions she assumed she was asking the other woman to sit as well. The woman sat down in front
of them both, tucking her hair behind her ears and watching the Commander with slightly widened
eyes.
“Raven, tell me what you wish to say and I will translate for you,” The Commander said and Raven
nodded her head, thinking about what she wanted to say for a few seconds before she opened her
mouth.
“I think my people could help your boy with his leg,” Raven said, stopping for a moment so the
Commander could translate. The woman’s eyes moved from Raven’s face to the Commander’s and
when the alpha finished speaking the woman was turning to Raven with wide eyes. A rush of
words came out of her mouth and Raven turned to Lexa for their meaning.
“She wants to know if you speak true, the healers she has seen told her that the boy’s leg has no
form of repair.”
“I can’t assure that he will be able to walk on his own again, but we could help him gain some
mobility, we could help with pain management, and if the leg is truly of no use, we could design a
brace for him that will be much more comfortable that the splint he is using now,” Raven said, her
eyes on the woman’s, only moving away when Lexa started translating.
“She wants to know how, or if this would cause her boy pain,” The Commander said and Raven
swallowed hard.
“Our technology allow us to see the inside of his leg to see what is the problem, depending on
what’s wrong he could need surgery to fix the damage, after that he would go through recovery,
then physical therapy, then, only if he needs it, we would take measures for a brace, I designed my
own so I would help with that. He would not be in unbearable amounts of pain; we have medicine
that helps a lot with pain management.”
As the Commander reproduced the information in trigedasleng Raven watched the woman’s face
change, different emotions flew all over her factions, wonder, surprise, shock, fear, confusion, all
of them in quick succession. It took a few moments to answer, but when she did the Commander
didn’t translate to Raven, she just kept talking to the woman for several minutes. The Mechanic
guessed that she was asking more questions, several of them, and apparently, they didn’t involve
her as much as they involved the Commander.
After what seemed like forever the woman stood up, bowing deeply to the Commander once more
and speaking to Raven one of the few words the omega actually knew.
“Mochof.” she said as she held one of Raven’s hands in both of her own, her eyes filled with tears.
Raven only nodded in response, not knowing what was going on and turning towards the
Commander with a confused expression.
“What happened? She seemed really worried; does she think that we are going to hurt him?” Raven
asked the Commander.
“No, from what you said she assumed that their stay in Arkadia wouldn’t be short, she was
concerned about food and living arrangements, she was concerned about what she could offer you
for trade as she doesn’t have much to offer. And she was not sure about getting her son’s hopes up
when so many healers have already told her that the leg is useless.”
“Okay, and what did you say to her? I could have told her about my leg, shown her that even if we
can’t fix the leg it will probably will feel a lot better than just having it splinted like that.”
“I told her that I trust the Skaikru doctors, that they have saved my life in the past and that I have
faith in their healer. I also told her that living arrangements and food would be arranged for her, and
that I would take care of the debt Abby’s services may leave. Have her send me a letter with what
she would like to trade for her services.” The Commander said as she stood up.
“Does that mean that she agreed to come?”
“Yes, she was worried about how she would communicate with your healers, but Lincoln is still
living in Arkadia if I am not mistaken.”
“Yeah, he is, and Octavia is also there, she is fluid in trigedasleng as well so they could help out,”
Raven said with a big smile, the Commander offered one back to her, only much smaller.
“She went upstairs to wake up her yongon and to pack some bags with clothes, it’s only her and the
boy so it will only take her a couple of minutes, she said she would do it as fast as possible.”
“That’s great, I’ll just reach out to Abby and give her the heads up,” Raven said as she fetched her
radio from its place hanging from her belt. The Commander gave her a nod and left the house to
give her some privacy.
“Abby, hey, are you around?”
“I am here Raven; will you be departing soon?”
“I am, I just saw this kid, his leg is a bit of a mess so I was wondering if you could give it a look,
maybe we can help out. The leg is splinted right now, so I figured that if we can’t give him some
mobility back, we can at least figure out something more comfortable.”
“Of course, ask his parents and make sure the Commander agrees, if everyone is okay with it, I
would gladly see what we can do.”
“Perfect, it would be nice if you got a room arranged for the boy and his mom, I figure a room with
a double bed would be good enough. The Commander also said for you to let her know what you
would like to trade for your medical service and for letting them stay and feeding them.”
“Sure, I’ll make sure there’s a room ready for them. I wasn’t thinking about asking for anything in
return so I will have to give it some thought, tell the Commander that I will get back to her on that.
See you tonight, Raven.” Abby said, and Raven took a deep breath, hoping that everything with the
boy would go well and that he would at least be able to move around unassisted.
……………………
Almost an hour and a half later the boy, Koa, and his mother, Sara, were safely sitting inside the
Rover. They were all ready to go, bags inside and engine warm, but Raven still needed to say
goodbye.
“Farewell, Raven,” The Commander said as she extended her arm, waiting for Raven to take it.
The omega grasped the Commander’s forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze.
“May we meet again, Heda,” Raven said, offering the Commander a small smile. “Your city is
pretty cool.”
“You are always welcome,” the Commander said, nodding humbly at the compliment. “Thank
you, for everything.” She said, fixing Raven with a meaningful look.
“No need, take care of that shoulder, maybe you should let Abby give it a look.”
“I might,” the Commander said, remembering that she had to let go of Raven’s arm at some point.
She looked down at their interlocked arms and noticed the bracelet on Raven’s wrist. “I never got
the chance to ask if you liked it.”
“Shit, I am such an ass, I never thanked you for this. And yes, I love it, it’s very beautiful, thank
you,” Raven said, stopping herself from face palming as she looked down at the bracelet, firmly
tied around her wrist as it had been ever since she got it. The omega watched the Commander’s
shoulders release some of the tension that had been accumulating there, as if the Commander was
relieved to hear Raven had liked her gift.
“You are not an ass; I am glad the bracelet was to your liking. Have a safe trip.” the Commander
said as she finally let go of Raven’s arm.
“I will, try not to get ran through by any swords, okay? You are not allowed to bleed all over
anyone else but me!” Raven said as she got into the rover, not missing the amused smile on the
Commander’s face.
“I’ll do my best, Raven. Stay safe.”
Raven was already inside the rover with the doors closed, but she still heard the Commander’s
worse, especially those two that had left her mouth last. She didn’t know why it shocked her so
much that the Commander wanted her to stay safe.
She didn’t know why that made her chest feel so warm either.
Chapter End Notes
Remember to let me know what you think in the Comments!

Thanks for reading!
Chapter 4
Chapter Notes
Hey guys, sorry about the wait, and again, sorry about not updating Build me a happy
ending yet, I am really struggling with it. I already have 20 pages written of the next
chapter in that story, I don't usually post unless I have 30, so, let me know if you want
me to post what I have so far. I kept myself from updating this story for a while
because I wanted to update BMAHE first, but that's really taking me some time to
write so here it is, a new update. Hope you guys like it, and thanks for all the
comments and the kudos.
I hope to hear from you all in the comment section!!
“Don’t think we didn’t notice you came back smelling more like a certain alpha than like yourself,”
Harper said quietly from her place next to Raven.
She had gotten back to Arkadia the night before, feeling thoroughly exhausted and ready to pass
out. She made sure Koa and his mom were settled and comfortable before she walked right to her
room and got to sleep, which is why she only saw her friends the day after, during breakfast.
Raven only smirked at the comment, turning to look at her friend with bright eyes.
“Can you blame me?” Raven said, not the slightest bit ashamed. She knew it was normal for the
Commander’s scent to be somewhat attached to her, she had slept more in the Commander’s bed
than in her own, and the bed was probably the most private place any person had, the
Commander’s was injected in her scent, it was no wonder it remained on Raven’s skin.
“Guess I can’t,” Harper said with a smile, “I must say she smells damn good.”
“You should see her naked,” Raven whispered, feeling a shiver run down her spine at the thought
alone. “Hottest person I’ve ever met in my life, fantastic in bed as well, she has given the word
orgasm a whole new meaning. I thought my sex life had been pretty good before, but now, with
her, nothing can compare.”
“That good?” Harper asked, eyes wide, she rested her elbows on the table and placed her head in
her hands, looking back at Raven with interest. “She sounds amazing, you are pretty crazy though,
I don’t think I could ever approach the Commander.”
“It is not my fault really, it was the malfunctioning implant, if it wasn’t for it heat wouldn’t have
caught me in the Commander’s company.”
“I would say she is an idiot,” Octavia said from Raven’s other side. “Sleeping with her to relieve
heat is one thing, sleeping with her for no reason is just plain stupid.”
“I had a reason to sleep with her,” Raven said, not giving Octavia the pleasure of upsetting her.
“She gives me mind blowing, earth shattering, life changing orgasms, I am not letting those go just
because people here don’t like her.”
“Sleeping with the enemy is never a good idea, Raven,” Octavia said with a frown on her face, her
voice laced with annoyance.
“She is not our enemy anymore and if you or anyone else keeps seeing her like that, that just means
you are all pretty stupid.”
“So, what?” Octavia said, contempt in her voice as she turned to look at Raven in the eye. “You
like her now? You and her are not only fuck buddies but besties as well?”
“I like how she fucks me,” Raven said, crude as ever, making Harper snort from her place by her
side. Octavia seemed to go red in the face with anger. “Of course, we aren’t besties, but I am not
blind, she has been making sure we don’t starve to death, and she has made sure the other Clans
don’t move against us. I know what she did to us in the past, but I am not stupid, you don’t bite the
hand that offers you help. Winter will be here soon and guess who is going to send help for us,
guess who is going to make sure we have enough food and proper clothing. People here can think
as they will, but she is helping us survive and I am not going to take that away from her.”
“I hope you think the same when she ends up stabbing you in the back,” Octavia said as she stood
and walked away.
“Don’t listen to her, Rae, is not like you are going to catch feelings for the Commander, you are
just having fun and no one can make you feel bad for that.”
“Yeah, it’s not like I really care about her, I am going to be angry if she ever does something to
fuck us over, but it’s not like she can mess with me personally.”
“Yeah, we all know how O is, just give it some time, she will see this is not a big deal.”
………………………………
Commander Lexa,
How are things going back in Polis? I hope the woman at the Market was able to get some more of
those berries you like. I thought it would be cool if I sent you a letter about Koa and about his leg,
I know you wanted me to keep you updated with that, so, here it goes.
Apparently, what happened is that Koa fell from a tree, guess where did he land? I am not a doctor
so I didn’t understand much of what Abby said, but there is one thing for sure, Koa is not
paralyzed, he feels his leg just fine, if the amount of pain he feels is any indication. Bending and
unbending the knee hurts him more than keeping it immobile, which is why they kept his leg
splinted like that, so it doesn’t move, and so it doesn’t hurt as much.
Abby says that his body has tried to heal itself, but with his knee as messed up as it is things didn’t
heal as they should. Abby will have to open up his knee, she will have to not only fix the mess, but
also everything that healed wrong. She could probably explain this better than I can, but I just
want you to get the general idea. She thinks he will be able to walk again, maybe the pain will not
be completely gone and maybe his leg will never be as stable as a completely healthy knee would
be, but she says that if the healing process goes well and if the physical therapy is done with
constancy and discipline he will be able to walk and he will be able to bend and unbend his knee
with only minimal pain and some instability. He will not be able to run at full speed, or to jump
around like all the other kids do, but he will be able to do much more than what he can do now, he
will be able to walk without the crutch. I know it is not perfect, and it is not ideal, but this is much
better than what we hoped for.
He is happy, his mom is overjoyed and I have already started designing his brace, right now I only
have prototypes and things of the like, it really makes no sense to build the brace right now when I
don’t have clear measures of his knee, I will start measuring once the surgery is done and once
some of the swelling is down.
Abby has scheduled to have the surgery two days from today, around the time you will be receiving
this letter, she still wants to get a few more tests done to make sure there will be no complications
during the surgery, we are also getting some other tests done to see if he is allergic to any of our
medications, he will need them to recover properly so we really need to make sure he can take
them, or to make sure we figure out something to replace them in case he can’t.
The recovery process will be long and difficult, his leg has been splinted for so long, has been
unused and that has led to muscle atrophy, we will have to help him built that muscle and even if it
will be a slow process we know what the end is going to look like. A kid walking on his own,
probably with a slight limp, but walking all the same.
I really hope you are as happy about this as I am, who knows, maybe this will be the highlight of
your day.
-Raven.
……………..
Raven of the Sky People,
By the time you get this letter Koa would have had his surgery, it is my wish to know how he is
doing, I have been on the receiving end of Abby’s surgeries and while I am sure they are all quite
different, it was not pleasant waking up from it, it was less pleasant still to find myself unable to
move and with a wound that required great care. I imagine that for a child it must be worse.
Hearing about the possibility of his recovery is and will continue to be the highlight, not only of my
day, but of my week, knowing that he will be able to move around mostly unassisted and that he
will be able to find something to dedicate his life to without the limitation of his leg makes me
grateful. I am aware that people with physical limitations such as this are capable of doing many
things, most of my people do not agree and that would have made Koa finding a First much
harder, he would have had to find something to do on his own and without guidance, which makes
this already difficult world much harder.
It is my hope that you know how valuable what you have done is, Raven. What you have done for
this boy is something that I won’t ever be able to repay you for. There is nothing in this world that I
could give you that would suffice for what you have done for him, you changed his life for the
better, you have given him the opportunity to live without pain and to have options.
I would like to know how you are doing back home, are you well? I imagine your friends must have
been happy to see you. I am sure you will be working hard to build Koa the best possible brace,
and while I trust your capabilities I would like you to take some time to rest, when you were here
you were working hard, spent long days under the sun overseeing the park. It would be good for
you to take some time to rest.
I would appreciate if you continued updating me about Koa.
Farewell,
Commander Lexa kom Trikru.
…………………………………..
Commander Lexa,
Don’t think for one second that I didn’t notice the fact that you completely ignored my question
about how things are going in Polis. I know you don’t need to tell me anything, but if there are any
impending wars I should know about, I’d like to know.
Koa’s surgery was a few days ago, it went perfectly according to Abby, he remained stable during
the whole procedure and the surgery went according to plan. For the next few days he won’t get to
move much, we have to let the wound heal for some time, so he is just going to stay in bed all day,
have some of our less than impressive food and watch cartoons and movies, he doesn’t understand
most of what the characters are saying but I think the moving images are entertaining enough. We
will ice his knee as much as we can, we will keep his leg bandaged and wrapped up nicely, we will
keep an eye closely on him to prevent infections and of course, we will always listen to him to see if
he is in too much pain, right now he seems to be doing just fine. He was a little nervous before the
surgery, but that’s only to be expected, I know this place might not be too nice for you guys who
are used to the fresh air and the colors and the natural light. A bit of nerves were just to be
expected, but he fought them like a true warrior and I am sure he will face the rest of his recovery
the same way.
Thank you, for what you said, about what I did. I just… what happened to Koa hits close to home, I
know how it feels, how it is to have your body betray you, and he is just a child, he shouldn't be
worrying about any of this, I just want him to get better. Are there other kids in situations similar to
his? because if there are I’d be happy to talk to Abby, I am sure she would be happy about helping
them as well, right now she is always pretty busy leading our people and stuff, but I know that
medicine is her real passion, she would be happy to help, I am sure.
She would also be happy to help you, with your shoulder, I mean, I am sure there must be a way to
give it some stability, you should really let Abby give it a look next time you are here.
I will be sure to keep you posted about Koa, so far everything is going really well, nothing to worry
about.
Let me know how things are going in Polis, or else I would just imagine the worst possible case
scenario. Unless it is some top-secret stuff that I can’t know.
Say hi to Lana for me, and please, don’t let Titus get you with his brooding, you look damn fine
when you are all broody and serious, but you know what are my preferred looks of yours.
Raven.
…………………
Two days later, the Mechanic did not receive a letter in response, she frowned to herself for better
part of the day, well, since the afternoon at least. The letter was always brought to her after
midday, it was never at the same exact time, but also, there was never much of a difference.
Her day only got weirder when a sudden council meeting was called late into the night. Every
member of the council was in attendance, including Clarke, Bellamy, Sinclair and Lincoln, who
had been brought in mostly as an advisor on grounder relations, the same spot had been offered to
Octavia, but the girl had rejected it, saying that she had no interest in partaking in council activities.
Raven was just there to accompany Sinclair, she wasn’t really a member of the council, that spot
was his, even if he wasn’t really her superior, he still had the most years of experience and so he
got the spot at the Council instead of her.
“What is it, Abby?” Sinclair asked once the Chancellor finally made a rushed appearance, barely
sparing any of them a glance as she sat at the head of the table.
“I just got off the radio with Kane,” Abby said, her tone somber. “Things are not looking good in
Polis. There might be a shift of power sometime soon, one that might not be in our favor.”
Raven froze, a shift of power, had something happened to the Commander?
“Did something happen to Commander Lexa? She has not died,” Lincoln said, completely resolute,
his voice holding no doubt. How exactly did he know that the Commander wasn’t dead? Raven
didn’t know, but she was comforted by his certainty.
“A coup, led by the Queen of the Ice Nation, she has rallied the clans against Commander Lexa
and is trying to have her removed from power.”
“She called for a vote of No Confidence,” Lincoln said, and the sudden paleness of his face made
Raven feel sick to her stomach.
“She did, and the Ambassadors of the remaining Clans backed her-”
“Wait a second, what is a vote of No Confidence,” Bellamy asked, cutting Abby off before she
could continue.
“There are only two ways to remove a Commander from power, death and an unanimous vote from
the Ambassadors of the 13 Clans, the vote of No Confidence is called when the leaders of the
Clans no longer find the Commander fit for duty, unworthy of their power,” Lincoln slowly
explained, “If Commander Lexa is not dead now, it means that she was not executed after the
vote.”
“And what does that mean?” Raven asked rapidly, the words dropping out of her mouth in a rush.
She could feel herself getting unsettled from the inside out, her entire being vibrating with
uneasiness.
“It means that the vote was not unanimous, that is the only thing that could stop the execution of a
Commander after a vote of No Confidence.”
“Kane was not in favor,” Clarke said, her voice flat and blank, her eyes on the grey metal of the
table. Her face registered no expression except for the faint sneer on the corner of her mouth.
“No, apparently, when the Ice Queen was rallying the Clans against the Commander, she did not
try to recruit us. She thinks the Commander weak for accepting us into her Coalition, she believes
we are too similar to the Mountain Men, and she thinks that the Commander only brought us into
her Coalition because she is afraid of what we could do now with the power of the Mountain, or
because she wishes to seize that power for herself. That’s why she didn’t try to put us against
Commander Lexa, because she refuses to recognize the legitimacy of our place in the Coalition and
because she thinks we are only the 13 clan as a result of Commander Lexa’s weakness,” Abby
said, her tone grave as she leaned forwards, resting her elbows on the surface of the table. Her face
was twisted into a deep frown, lines of worry surrounding her eyes and the corner of her lips.
“So basically, all her people turned against her because of us,” Sinclair said slowly, trying to make
sure he had understood properly. Abby nodded slowly in response and Raven felt bile rush up her
throat.
“Even if the Ice Queen does not recognize us as a legitimate Clan of the Coalition, the law does
recognize us as such after Kane took the brand. His vote invalidated the vote of no confidence and
stopped the immediate execution of Commander Lexa.”
“What is the problem then?” Bellamy asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.
“The problem is that the Ice Queen issued a Challenge, a duel to the death, tomorrow her son will
fight Commander Lexa,” Abby responded.
“Wait a second, if the Ice Queen is going to have her son fighting for her, why didn’t the
Commander do the same?” Sinclair asked, taking the words out of Raven’s mouth.
“Many reasons,” Lincoln said, “Having someone else fight for her would be a sign of weakness,
and if she got a warrior to fight for her and they lost, she would be executed after. It is also a matter
of honor, dying by the hand of an opponent that bested you is a honorable death, dying by the hand
of an executioner after the warrior who fought for you lost, it is not. She would never risk the life
of one of her people, not when the only thing at stake is her own life.”
“The reality we are facing right now is that if Commander Lexa dies tomorrow, we lose the only
thing, the only person, that is keeping the rest of the Clans from uniting against us. If she dies
tomorrow, the joined force of 12 Clans will come for us. What I need right now is for all of us to
design a plan of attack in case the Commander dies tomorrow. Do you all understand?”
Everyone nodded quietly, the severity of the news driving them all to silence. The rest of the night
was spent firing off ideas, designing plans. They decided that the rest of their people would not be
notified of the possible war until it was absolutely necessary.
None of them slept that night, war plans were never truly done, never properly finished, much less
when you only had one night to plan, but they did the best they could as they waited for Kane to
reach out to them and tell them the result of the duel.
Raven sat in front of the computer, missile codes at the ready, begging whoever was listening so
she would not have to use them. She prayed, she prayed as hard as she could for Commander
Lexa’s wellbeing, pleading for her to be okay.
She told herself she only did that because of the benefits Commander Lexa’s survival would have
for her people.
Deep down, she knew there was something else, too.
……………………..
“There is something I don’t understand,” Raven said suddenly, breaking the silence in the council
room. As they spoke a duel had begun in Polis, Marcus had been keeping them updated and the
last time he reached out his presence had been demanded at the arena.
“What is it?” Abby asked, turning her head towards the omega. She was very exhausted, Raven
could see it all over her face, deep bags under her eyes, her shoulders hanging low and not straight
and firm like they usually did.
“Even if Commander Lexa loses the Ice Queen can’t take over the Coalition, the Conclave will be
called and one of the Nightbloods would take Commander Lexa’s place,” A sudden rush of bile up
her throat made Raven stop talking, she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, trying to fight off the
nausea. Her body was so tense it vibrated, she wouldn’t be able to calm her mind or her body until
the she knew if the Commander was okay or not. “I don’t see any of the children Commander Lexa
has raised herself calling war against us, why does Marcus think that we will have a war in our
hands if she dies today? what aren’t you saying?”
Abby sighed and shook her head, straightening in her seat. The other members of the Council sat
up as well, straightening in their chairs with panic in their eyes.
“Mom,” Clarke said, visibly aggravated.

“The Ice Queen has a Nightblood of her own, one she hid from the world until now, she’s much
older than Commander Lexa’s Nightbloods, as they should have been in the same Conclave. I have
no doubt that the Commander’s Nightbloods are well trained, but do they truly have a chance
against someone that is so much older than them and that got trained so differently?”
“An Ice Nation Nightblood,” Lincoln murmured under his breath, his face white as a sheet of
paper. It wouldn’t be such a problem if the girl had grown up in the Polis tower and trained like all
the other Nightbloods, but she had grown in the Ice Nation, poisoned by the beliefs of their Queen.
“She will follow her Queen’s agenda.”
“Yes, that’s why we must be prepared. The Conclave will probably last a couple of days so that
will give us time to prepare further if the Commander were to lose.”
“What are her chances of winning?” Bellamy asked suddenly, his tone layered with worry as he
leaned his elbows on the table.
“There’s no way of knowing for sure, I haven’t met the Ice Nation Prince, but I am sure his mother
chose him for a reason. We don’t know the Ice Queen either but I wouldn’t make my son fight
anyone unless I was certain he would win,” Abby said.
“Prince Roan is tall, muscular, very strong and skilled. It is said that he didn’t receive the training
of a warrior only, but also the training of an assassin and a scout. Rumors say that he is able to kill
three men in the time it takes the first one to hit the ground,” Lincoln provided, mournfully, he had
faith in his Heda, he would always hope for her victory, but he could not deny that Roan was a
worthy opponent.
Raven looked away from the table, giving everyone her back as she closed her eyes. Almost a
week ago she had seen the Commander, she had spent the night with her, seen her fall asleep and
eat and breathe. She had seen her smile and let out the tiniest and shortest of laughs, it was so
surreal to think that in a matter of moments she could just die.
“I have seen her defeat people twice her size,” Raven said as she turned to face the table once
more. “Thrown them over her back like it’s nothing, she’s so so fast, too.” but she is injured, isn’t
she? A quiet voice said from the back of Raven’s head and the omega’s stomach turned into knots.
“What is it?” Sinclair asked, fitting Raven with an intense stare. “You sounded certain and towards
the end you seemed to lose hope.”
“When I was there she got injured,” Raven said quietly, looking down at the bracelet the
Commander had made for her.
“Injured? How badly?” Abby asked, a deep frown quickly twisting her features.
“Her shoulder was dislocated, her ribs… they had to be at least bruised with the level of
discoloration in her skin,” Raven said, not looking up.
“You have only been back for a week and a couple of days, she is in no state to be fighting
anyone,” Abby said, standing up and starting to pace around the room, rubbing her forehead out of
sheer frustration.
“She is going to fight to the death injured and weakened,” Clarke said with a faint sneer in her face,
her eyes filled with contempt, “Leave it to the Commander to make the best decisions.” Sarcasm
dripped from her voice and Raven looked up, for a moment she thought she would jump over the
table and slap the sneer off Clarke’s face, but she didn’t, she tightened her hands into fists and
leveled the blonde with a glare.
“She made the decision not to wipe us out when we got here, she made that decision again when
we burnt down one of her villages with our flares, she did it again when Finn went and massacred
18 of her people, she did it again when we murdered Anya and when we killed 300 hundred of her
warriors. So, yes, Clarke, leave it to her to make the best decisions.” Raven said, the snark and the
anger in her tone painfully apparent. She knew the blonde was about to retaliate when Abby put a
hand up and silenced her daughter.
“Was her arm severely impaired after the dislocation? Could she move it or was she in too much
pain?” Abby asked, turning her gaze back to Raven.
“She didn’t seem to be, not that she would tell me. She wore no sling and I didn’t see any healers
around her quarters, she just kept her arm close to her side and avoided moving it much. People
there don’t allow her much rest so she was back in training the day after-” Raven was interrupted
by a sudden static noise coming from Abby’s radio, Kane’s voice came quickly after.
“Abby, are you there? Abby,” He continued to call, the doctor grabbed the radio and answered as
fast as she could.
“I am here Marcus, what happened?” Abby said. Every member of the council was staring at the
radio, waiting for a response, waiting to know if they would have to prepare for war or not. Raven
could barely breathe, she couldn’t be dead, she just couldn’t.
“She won, Abby. It was close, very close, there were moments where I was sure she was going to
die, but she won and she killed the Ice Queen. Roan is King now. I don’t know him enough to
judge, but Commander Lexa seems to think fairly well of him.”
Raven fell back on her chair, the force of the relief she felt making her bones weak.
“Wait a second, how did the Ice Queen end up dead if the duel was against Roan?” Bellamy asked,
and the conversation continued like that, focusing on what the change meant for their people.
No one asked if the Commander was okay, no one asked if she was badly injured during the fight,
no one cared. And the realization fell on Raven like a pile of bricks, she knew that the Commander
already thought that people only cared because of the role she played, and Raven saw an example
of how true that was as she sat on that table. Minutes ago they were all worried about whether she
would live or die, now that they knew she wasn’t dead and that because of that their clan was safe
they didn’t care at all.
Was she the only one worrying about her wellbeing after the fight? What if she ended up dying
because of an injury she sustained during the duel?
Once the flow of the conversation slowed and moved towards an end, Abby allowed herself to
relax against her chair and dismiss the rest of the council, wanting to share a few words with
Marcus in private. Everyone left, except for Raven.
“Wait a moment, Marcus,” Abby said before she turned to look at Raven, “Is there anything you
need?”
“I want to know if the Commander is fine, I mean, if her injuries are bad, we still have reason to
worry,” Raven said and Abby had the decency to look slightly embarrassed for not thinking about
that herself.
“Is the Commander okay? Did she sustain any serious injuries during the fight?” Abby asked
Marcus.
“Not that I can tell, no. Only a couple of cuts and bruises, nothing life threatening,” the man
responded and Raven nodded to herself, feeling a little better after hearing that and then standing
up to leave the room.
…………………..
Raven,
Apologies for the delay, I didn’t mean to make you wait for a response for such a long time.
I am glad to hear that Koa’s surgery went well, how is he doing? is he in pain? I imagine that by
this point he is still resting the leg, or has the process of physical therapy started already?
I am quite curious about this “cartoons” and “moving images” you mentioned, I am afraid I am
not sure what you mean, but I thank you for trying to make his stay pleasant, I must admit that
Arkadia is not one of my preferred places. Do not take it personally, it holds resemblance to the
Mountain and that still might result slightly unsettling to my people.
I apologize for ignoring your questions about how things were going here, I did not wish to cause
you any worry when I was unsure of how things would develop. I am sure that by now you know
that the Ice Queen issued a challenge and I saw myself being obligated to fight her son. Everything
is okay now; Roan is king and I believe him to be much more reasonable than his mother. She had
a very particular dislike towards me, one that he does not possess, I have faith that he will be a
good king, he understands honor and debt and right now he owes me his life. I do not trust him, but
I don’t see him as a threat, not like I saw his mother. Worry not, Raven, your people are safe.
Again, excuse the delay, during the fight my writing hand was injured and writing felt
uncomfortable, I didn’t wish to keep you waiting longer so here is my response.
I am very appreciative about your proposition, I am sure, not only here but in many other villages
around the Clans, there must be many kids in need of medical assistance. I was thinking maybe
some of the warriors that were more fatally injured during battle could benefit from Abby’s
expertise, they live painful lives and I am interested in making their pain diminish.
I plan to visit the Chancellor in the next couple of days, it will be a short visit as the main reason
for my travel is to oversee the progress of the rebuilding of TonDC, but I hope to speak to Abby
about the possibility of getting these warriors her help.
How are things going back at Arkadia? I imagine you must be enjoying being back home and
seeing your friends. You must know that yesterday I witnessed the children playing war in the park,
there is no question, Raven, having a castle to the defend has brought a new level of enjoyment for
the children.
Lana sends her greetings back and she says she will be pleased to see you again so soon (she
usually travels with me).
Farewell,
As soon as she finished the letter Raven laid back on her bed, closing her eyes in relief, the
Commander was okay, truly okay, she hadn’t heard from her directly since the last letter she sent,
which went unanswered for such a long time, Raven felt like she could finally breathe properly and
she was happy to know that she would be able to check on the Commander with her own eyes in
only a couple of days.
Commander Lexa,
Gosh you really need a break; you had just gotten injured and then came the stupid duel. Wouldn’t
it have been better to have someone fight for you? I know there is honor involved and such, but it
couldn’t have been fun to go into that fight with that shoulder. I got really worried there for a
second, I have seen you fight and you are damn good at it, but still I had my doubts, one never truly
knows how those things are going to end. I am glad you came out of it victorious and I hope having
Roan as king will make things easier for you.
I know what the Ice Queen did to you, what she did to her, and I know having her finally gone must
mean something to you, something very important. I kind of wish I had been there to celebrate with
you, I am sure I would have convinced you to get drunk, we could have danced all over her ashes.
The Ice Bitch is gone!!!
(I really hope you didn’t find any of this insulting, I really didn’t mean to. I know killing her
doesn’t make the pain hurt less, but still, knowing that she won’t be here to continue hurting you,
or anyone else is really meaningful. I know you probably aren’t happy about this, and I’d like to
know how you are feeling about her being gone, but just in case, I will be happy for the both of us.)
Koa is in a bit of pain, not going to lie, but I promise you it is nothing major, we are still icing the
leg and we hope that in a few more days the swelling will have lowered enough for him to start
moving it a little. He is doing good, I swear, don’t worry about him, he is in good hands, I am
keeping an eye on him and so is Abby.
Raven paused right there and tried to think of the best way to explain what cartoons were to the
Commander.
Cartoons… imagine a drawing, an image done in paper, or parchment, or whatever you use. With
computers and technology people in the Old World made those illustrations move, creating a
sequence of moving images until it looked fluid and natural enough, usually they were made for
humor. Some of these cartoons only have music as background and the characters that appear on
it do not talk, but some of them do talk and they did this by recording people’s voices and then
adding it to the cartoons. I am sorry if you didn’t understand much of my explanation, I will be
sure to show you once you come here, if you have a bit of time, of course.
I really hope you and Abby are able to figure something out, I support the idea completely and I
will be sure to help with the designs of braces or splints if any of the injured warriors were to need
it. I don’t see why Abby would refuse to help, but I think this is all a great idea, I think that would
also help unite our Clans, maybe your people would finally see that we want to help and that we
don’t want to hurt anyone. I know we are more like the Mountain Men, but we are not them and we
really don’t want to cause any trouble.
You should totally let Abby check out your arm once you come, there has to be something she can
do, I am sure.
I wish I could see the kids playing war with the castle we built them, must be so cool, hope the
game doesn’t get old by the time I go back to Polis.
I also wanted to say thank you, I know the Ice Queen used the fact you let my people into your
Coalition against you, I know she used that to form the coup and I am sorry your life was
threatened because of us. I know probably no one makes the effort to thank you about this kind of
thing, but I have this theory of you being as human as I am, so, thanks for putting yourself on the
line for us, for defending our place in the Coalition, for going through all the trouble you went
through to make sure Clarke wouldn’t be killed. I can’t speak for everyone here, but I believe
myself to not be a complete asshole, I am truly very grateful.
Guess I’ll see you soon, Commander.
-Raven.
……………………….
Two days later Commander Lexa was receiving Raven’s later, with her hand still bandaged and
aching with pain she unfolded the paper, the letter was long and she liked that, she liked hearing
Raven speak and even if she wasn’t physically there, the Commander could hear Raven’s voice in
her head when she read her words.
Different emotions cursed through the Commander’s chest as she read over the letter, hearing
Raven’s thoughts about the Ice Queen made her smile in amusement and hurt inside all at once.
The omega was right, killing the Ice Queen didn’t alleviate her pain, but at least she now felt like
Costia could truly rest in peace.
She was happy to hear about Koa and about how he was doing, even more so when she heard how
Raven was working hard to make sure his stay at Arkadia would be a pleasant one. Confusion
came after at the description of cartoons, she wasn’t sure she understood, but she thought she had
managed to catch a bit of the concept.
The end of the letter was what truly threw her off, she read the paragraph over and over again,
understanding the words but having trouble believing they were truly directed at her. Raven was
thankful, she felt very grateful towards her and she was sorry she had had to put her life at risk to
save her people. The Commander frowned in confusion, the letter shaking in her hand as a warm
feeling spread over her chest and made her eyes blur with moisture.
She was not a stranger to thank yous, or to her people being grateful about what she did for them,
she received thank yous sometimes, especially in Polis, but the fact that it came from Raven, from
a person belonging to a Clan that was particularly hostile towards her and her people’s ways made
the words all the more meaningful. For some reason the fact that the words came from Raven
made it special, the Commander wasn’t sure when did that happen, when Raven’s words started to
matter, but they did, and she was sure she would always hold that letter close to her heart.
Raven,
Do not worry, everything is okay now and your people are safe. I apologize for causing you worry,
that is why I kept the unrest here to myself, I did not wish to trouble you with these matters, I
assure you, your people are safe and I will continue working to make sure they remain well and
protected.
I know that given my injuries it would have made sense to get one of my gonas to fight for me, that
is not what I wanted. During war I have no choice but to send my warriors to fight for me, for our
cause and for what I think it’s better for all of our people, but with the duel I had a choice and I
wouldn’t sacrifice one of my warriors when my life is the only thing at risk, my warriors have
families, friends, children, I would not take them from their loved ones just so they can fight for me,
not when they have so much to lose. That’s why I decided to fight even while being at a
disadvantage, no one is waiting for me to get back home, there are no children waiting for me to
get home and play with them, and my Nightbloods are well trained and ready, I have faith in them,
they are all deserving of their blood and they would all make good Hedas.
I am glad you are pleased with my victory and while I can’t be sure about Roan, I do find him to be
much more reasonable than his mother. I do not trust him, but he is the better alternative.
I was not insulted by what you said, I know you have a very particular manner of speech and I
have come to enjoy it with time. I am not sure about how I feel in regards of Queen Nia’s death.
Perhaps I am unable to truly process and comprehend that she is gone, perhaps her death doesn’t
change anything. I feel like before, and I am not sure how to describe it. Forgive me, speaking
about feelings is still difficult for me. I just hope Costia is resting peacefully now, I wasn’t able to
avenge her properly before, to get justice for her death, now I did, and I just wish her to be at
peace.
I am relieved to hear Koa is doing as well as it can be expected, I wish for his recovery to be as
painless as possible and I trust Abby and you will make this possible. I remember how Skaikru
sedatives feel like and it is most impressive. Send my greetings to him, I will be sure to visit him
next time I am in Arkadia.
I believe I somewhat understood what cartoons are, I cannot properly picture them, but I think I got
the overall concept, I’ll be sure to spare a few minutes to be able to see them when I arrive in your
Clan, perhaps I will be able to see one of this cartoons alongside Koa, I would like to spend some
time with him.
I was surprised to see how appreciative you are of my actions. It is my duty to protect you, Raven,
and because of that, even if I value your thanks greatly you still must know they are unnecessary. I
will protect you until I am no longer able to. I will make sure you are safe, I know your people are
distrustful and I know they are sometimes hostile towards me, but worry not, none of that makes
my drive to protect them diminish, they are my people.
Do not apologize, my life is always threatened and if the Ice Queen hadn’t used your people
joining the Coalition as an excuse to remove me from power, she would have used something else.
Do not tell me you are sorry, the danger comes with my position, I have accepted it and I have
made peace with the fact that my life will not be long, that’s okay as long as I am able to keep you
and the rest of my people safe for as long as I am able to.
Yes, Raven, we will see each other soon. I was doubtful about sending this letter at all, for I will be
arriving at TonDC a day after you receive this letter, but I will be spending a few days there so I
assumed you would prefer to receive an answer sooner rather than later.
Farewell,
Raven frowned through most of the letter, seeing what the Commander thought about herself, how
little worth she gave to her life, how she didn’t seem to care about dying, how she expressed that
she knew that nobody really cared either… It all made Raven feel sick to her stomach, the whole
letter was written with no real feelings coming through. The Commander didn’t even seem to
understand Raven’s worry, she had just assumed Raven’s concerns were directed towards the
Skaikru and their future in the Coalition, when in reality her real worry had been about the
Commander’s wellbeing and about her almost death experience.
Why would she think you were worried about her when you told her you didn’t care about her right
to her face? A voice echoed in the back of Raven’s head, the omega’s stomach rolled in disgust,
that had been so cruel, but it had been the truth, right?
Right?
……………………………
“I am not sure if Marcus let you know, he must have, but just in case he didn’t I’m letting you
know that the Commander is coming here to see you,” Raven said quietly as she sat with Abby for
breakfast.
The Doctor looked up from her food with a surprised look on her face.
“Marcus mentioned she would go to TonDC, not here.”
“She says she will be just be passing through, that she wants to check on Koa and talk to you about
a few things before leaving, she doesn’t plan on staying long. I received this letter yesterday and in
it she says she will be arriving in TonDC in tomorrow, a couple of days after that she will get
here.” Raven said calmly as she also started pushing her food around in her plate, she wasn’t in the
greatest mood, she hadn’t been since she read the letter the day before.
She knew the Commander hadn’t meant to upset her, but she still was upset, and she wasn’t sure
why.
“Did she mention why she wants to talk to me?” Abby asked as she turned to look at Raven.
“Yes, nothing bad, it’s mostly related to Koa and how we possibly could help other kids and
warriors that were badly injured during times of war. She wants us to see if we could do something
for them.”
“Oh,” Abby said, blinking quickly in surprise, that had not been what she was expecting. “We will
have to speak to everyone here, make sure we are ready to receive her.”
“I agree, maybe we should tell everyone what she did for us, everyone pretty much hates her and
she knows it. I don’t think that makes any difference to her, but it still can’t be nice.”
Abby hummed thoughtfully for a moment, nodding to herself, her eyes lost somewhere over
Raven’s shoulder.
“I will call an assembly tomorrow and I will talk to everyone; in the meantime, I will speak to
Lincoln and ask him how exactly we can make the Commander feel welcome here.” Abby said
and Raven nodded, a half smile making its way across her mouth, it didn’t quite reach her eyes and
Abby noticed. The Doctor moved a hand and placed it on Raven’s own, giving it a gentle squeeze
as she ducked her head to look into Raven’s eyes.
“What is it? You seem upset,” Abby said, not giving Raven room to deny what she had said.
“Just stuff the Commander said on the last letter she sent; it was just… I don’t know, rough, I
suppose,” Raven said and Abby frowned, her features twisting in concern as she looked back at
Raven.
“If she is hurting you in any way-”
“No, it’s not like that, it’s something she said about herself,” Raven explained as she shook her
head, the fact that Abby’s first assumption was that the Commander was hurting her made her feel
all the worse.
“I’d be easier for me to follow if you told me what she said,” Abby said gently, trying not to upset
the omega further.
Raven debated with herself for a while, she wasn’t too comfortable sharing the things the
Commander had told her with anyone else, they were private things and the Commander had
shared them with her, no one else. It seemed wrong for Raven just to voice those things to someone
else. She decided she would wouldn’t go too into detail, she would just say enough for Abby to
understand and to get her take on things.
“She basically told me that her death didn’t matter, that no one would care or would be hurt by it,
and that if it happened everything would be okay because she has faith in the abilities of her
Nightbloods.”
Abby didn’t respond for a long while and so Raven arched her eyebrows, motioning with her hands
for the Doctor to say something.
“I think she was just being honest with you, I have told you this before, and I will say it again, the
Commander may be many things, but she is not a liar,” Abby said, patting Raven’s hand with her
own and offering her a sympathetic smile. “Sometimes the truth is painful and ugly, that is her
reality, her life, I am sure she didn’t mean to upset you by saying that, that’s just her truth.”
“I know, I know that’s her way of life, but how does someone get out of bed every morning if they
think they are so worthless, that they don’t matter?” Raven asked, a frown firmly set between her
brows.
“I think that even if there’s no one to care for her, she cares deeply for her people and she wants to
do her best for them. She gets up every morning and fights for them.”
“But who fights for her?”
Abby didn’t have an answer and Raven saw that in her face, in the way the Doctor opened her
mouth just to close it quickly after.
“That’s fucked up,” Raven said, feeling even more upset than before. “She must feel alone.”
“You have me, Raven, you have your friends and you have Sinclair, we have your back, we care
about you and we are here to support you. The Commander and her situation are not your
responsibility, nor something you should feel bad about, you’ve got people on your side and she
doesn’t, that just means that you are lucky, that’s just how life is…”
Raven looked away from Abby and down at her feet, the boots the Commander had given her were
keeping her toes warm and comfy. She frowned to herself and felt a knot build in her throat, her jaw
clenched on its own accord, her body doing everything it could to hold the tears at bay. Raven
couldn’t understand why she was so affected.
“That’s so unfair,” Raven whispered, avoiding to look up, afraid of crying once she looked into
Abby’s eyes. “Don’t you think everyone should have someone?”
“Yes,” Abby said gently as she curled her arm around Raven’s shoulders, “I think everyone should
have someone. The Commander is just in a very difficult position, from what I have seen and from
what Marcus has told me, she doesn’t seem to have much time to herself, she watches over 13
different nations, it must be difficult to find someone while she barely has time to breathe.”
“But you think she will find someone?”
“I hope so. She is very isolated, might be difficult for someone to get through to her, especially
after what happened to her last partner,” Abby said and Raven pulled away at once, looking up at
Abby with wide eyes.
“How do you know about that?”
“Clarke mentioned it, she was trying to make me understand the threat of the Ice Nation and why
we shouldn’t join their side even if they asked us. She told me about Costia, what the Ice Nation
did to her, it is truly sickening.”
Raven only nodded, not wanting to say anything else about that specific subject. That was only the
Commander’s story to tell and she was sure she wouldn’t be happy about Clarke telling it to other
people.
“Let’s just try to make sure our people are not dicks to her when she comes,” Raven said as she
stood up, her food untouched, she wouldn’t have been able to get it down anyway.
………………………..
They made sure the gates were open, they prepared one of the best rooms they had, they had a
platform set up in the dining hall where they placed a table with only a few chairs, only one of
them had been covered in furs and cushioned, the one where the Commander was meant to sit.
They had the best of their food cooked and prepared and they dressed as formally as they could.
Raven had been sure to wear her chocolate colored leather jacket, the one the Commander had sent
her all those months ago, she wore her boots and one of the pair of pants and a shirt the
Commander had given her.
She also had the bracelet the Commander had given her clasped around her wrist.
(She barely took it off anyway)
Abby was standing just inside the gate, Raven at her side with the rest of the council, except for
Clarke. She had explicitly told the guards to keep their guns down, if a single gun moved towards
the Commander that person would get in deep trouble.
“Shouldn’t be much longer now,” Lincoln mentioned, and almost like he had predicted it several
horses appeared from the tree line.
Raven recognized the Commander in the middle of the caravan, red sash whipping in the wind, two
riders flanked her sides, three at her back, another two just in front of her, never blocking her, but
just a few feet in front of her, probably so they could get in the way if anyone were to attack her.
Another group of five warriors rode behind the initial group, they had a cart with them and a dead
deer was laid upon it.
They got closer and closer, until the group of riders was just outside the gate, the Commander
dismounted first, her feet steady as they fell over the ground, her body guards dismounted closely
after, falling into step beside her as she walked up to Abby.
“Chancellor Griffin,” The Commander greeted first, tilting her head down in a short nod as she
offered her arm to Abby.
“Commander Lexa, welcome to Arkadia,” Abby said, taking the arm offered to her and noticing
the flimsy bandage that was wrapped around the Commander’s palm.
“Thank you,” She said, letting go of Abby’s arm to glance at the people standing beside her,
“Council,” she greeted, offering them a small nod as well. “Raven,” she said then, offering her arm
to the omega.
“Heda,” Raven said with a smile, squeezing the Commander’s forearm gently. The Heda didn’t
return the smile, but she did return the gentle squeeze to Raven’s arm and let her fingers brush
lightly over the omega’s as she moved her arm back.
“It is not my intention to disrupt you, or your people, my stay won’t be long. I will approach some
matters will your Chancellor and I will be on my way,” The Commander said, her voice louder
than necessary. Raven knew it was so the people who were standing around witnessing her arrival
would hear as well.
“Feel free to stay for as long as you need,” Abby assured, “You are not disrupting us, we have
prepared a small feast for you and your warriors, we hope you are hungry.”
Raven saw the Commander’s eyebrows twitch just slightly in surprise, an invisible gesture that
everyone would have missed unless they were staring as closely as she was. The staring allowed
her to see the hollowness of the Commander’s cheeks that hadn’t been there the last time they saw
each other, and also the deep bags that framed the underside of her eyes.
“We are,” the Commander said, “we brought a deer in hopes that our stay won’t deplete your
resources. I took it down myself, I can order my warriors to take care of it and bring the meat
inside once it is ready. I believe you have your own methods to keep meat from going bad, yes?”
“Oh, thank you, that’s very thoughtful of you,” Abby said, stumbling over her words in surprise.
Her people weren’t the most proficient hunters, they still relied heavily on the supplies they had
gotten from the Mountain, on everything they had managed to grow in the greenhouse and in
smaller animals they had managed to catch. Abby knew they hadn’t gotten a taste of deer in quite
some time.
“Your stay is not a bother, though, you won’t be depleting our resources. You can tell your
warriors to bring the meat in later, we will save them food and keep it warm for them.” Raven
mentioned once she saw Abby wouldn’t say anything else.
“Very well,” The Commander said, turning back towards her gona and speaking to them in fast
Trigedasleng. Someone from the group stepped forwards and came back inside Arkadia’s gates by
the Commander’s side, Raven recognized her at once.
“Lana! Hey, how are you?” Raven said, offering the girl a smile. The beta flushed adorably at the
greeting, not expecting Raven to speak to her.
“I am well, it is good to see you, Raven kom Skaikru.”
“You too, Lana, let’s go inside, your food is ready,” Raven said and soon enough most of the
Commander’s warriors as well as Arkadia’s council were making their way inside the camp.
……………………….
The dinner went according to plan, there were no issues, no problems, no asshole making a
distasteful comment. Maybe everyone was a little on edge and a little unsure, but they hid it well
and so the Commander spent the following hours sitting with Abby and the rest of the council, her
chair purposely placed slightly higher and on the head of the table as a show of respect to her
status.
The subjects were kept light, innocent, mostly about how things were going at Arkadia. Raven
wasn’t that surprised, the Commander was not much of a talker, she preferred to listen and to
observe.
She made a few suggestions here and there, but she mostly listened with a thoughtful expression on
her face.
By the end of it the Commander agreed to meet with Abby first thing in the morning, she had
pushed to have the meeting right away, but Abby insisted against it, pointing out that both the
Commander and her warriors must have been tired after the traveling and the hunting. The
Commander agreed and that’s how Raven ended up walking her towards her room in Arkadia.
“I knew Lana was coming so I made sure she would have the room next to yours, she will be close
if you need her,” Raven said as she opened the door to a room and walked Lana inside.
It had taken some time to convince the Commander to stay inside the camp instead of staying in
the camp her warriors had set up outside, but after Raven had pointed out that they had prepared a
room for her and Lana and that that would make it easier for her to meet with Abby the
Commander couldn’t deny, with the condition of having three of her warriors around at all times,
they would come and go in shifts so that they all could get some rest.
“Would you like me to prepare your room, Heda?” Lana asked the Commander, who turned to
look at her with a faint shake of her head.
“No, just go to sleep Lana, I made sure the Commander’s room was all ready,” Raven said,
responding for the Commander. The Handmaiden looked visibly torn, glancing from Raven to the
Heda and then back again.
“Rest well, Lana,” the Commander said, offering the Handmaiden a nod. The girl nodded her head
and went inside the room, telling the Commander to call for her if she needed anything.
“Commander,” Raven said with a smile, opening the door for the Commander’s room, she walked
her inside and closed the door behind them. The Commander placed her travelling sac on the floor
and looked around the room, the walls were bare and completely gray, as was the ceiling, the bed
was made with all white sheets and two pillows were placed on it, there was a desk and two
floating platforms on each side of the bed. She noticed that on both platforms there were two
candles and two pots with plants on them, one on each platform, they were the only thing giving
the room some color.
“I know this place must be really shitty to you, with its lifelessness and all the metal and the lack of
color, so I added the plants and the candles in hopes they would make it less shitty, you did give
me those candles so please don’t think I didn’t like them, I just don’t know where to get candles,”
Raven said with a tentative smile on her face.
“It is a good place to sleep, Raven, I have slept in places…” The Commander cut herself off,
frowning slightly before she continued to speak. “This is paradise in comparison.”
“Yeah?” Raven asked, a frown developing on her own face. She knew what the Commander’s
room in the tower looked like, she knew there was always light coming from the sun or moon,
making the candles that were all over the place almost unnecessary, she knew it was warm, that
Lana always made sure the fire was fed and that it would hold for most of the night, she knew there
was no way their awful sheets would ever compare to softness of the furs, or the smell of the
wood. “What kind of places?”
“Those are long stories, unpleasant, too. I rather not make this expression appear on your face,”
The Commander said, taking a step closer to Raven only to press her fingers gently against her
brows until the frown that was there disappeared.
The omega couldn’t stop herself from smiling, and she couldn’t stop the warmth that spread all
over her chest either. She crushed the feeling before she could process it and threw her arms around
the Commander’s shoulders. Sex was safe, there were no thoughts and no feelings involved, only
lust.
The Commander responded in kind, her mouth hot over Raven’s lips as she cupped the back of the
omega’s neck and pulled her closer into the kiss. Raven was fast to move her hands down, one of
her hands resting over the Commander’s crotch and giving it a strong pat. The alpha growled
against her mouth and pushed Raven’s jacked off her shoulders. Their lips separated briefly, only
so the Commander could pull off Raven’s shirt and allow her hands to roam freely over warm skin.
Their lips came together immediately after and Raven could feel her eyes roll to the back of her
head, her gut clenching at the feeling of the Commander’s tongue running gently over her own.
Her hands moved down once again, not wasting time to unbuckle the Commander’s belt and push
down her pants. The Commander let out a deep growl, her teeth tugging at Raven’s bottom lip and
pushing her against the bed.
The omega fell backwards over the mattress, breathing heavily and pupils blown with lust, she
expected the Commander to undress herself but she didn’t. She took off each one of Raven’s boots
and then moved to unbuckle the clasps of her brace until it was all the way off. She tugged on the
omega’s pants, pulling on the fabric until Raven’s legs were bare for her eyes to see.
Raven could only watch from her place on the bed, her chest heaving up and down as her eyes
trailed down the Commander’s body, she couldn’t see much with how much clothing the alpha
was still wearing, but there was no hiding the swelling bulge that pushed against her pants.
Seconds later, the Commander’s clothes started falling to the floor, the alpha took her coat and her
pants off, leaving her only in her undershirt and tight undershorts. Raven wanted her take it all off,
but the alpha didn’t, she just crawled onto the bed, wrapping and arm around Raven’s waist and
lifting her until she was laying back against the pillows. Raven took the chance of having her so
close to pull her close, letting their lips meet again as the Commander’s hands moved down her
body, her hand cupping the omega’s center as her digits applied pressure over the fabric of her
underwear, feeling the wetness that had collected there and humming over the omega’s lips.
Raven moaned low at the pressure against her center, the Commander’s lips trailed down her neck
and stayed there, sucking and nipping, placing open mouthed kisses in every inch of skin her lips
could touch. Then she moved lower and lower, giving Raven’s breasts a similar treatment,
kneading one of the soft mounds with her hand while she tended to the other one with her mouth.
Raven felt a shiver rush down her spine, her back rising of the bed briefly at the feel of the
Commander’s warm tongue over her breast, her tongue circling the stiff bud on top, her lips closing
around it, sucking, nipping at it with her teeth, making the omega’s back arch higher as she tried to
look for a closer contact.
The Commander moved lower and lower, her lips ghosting over the omega’s toned stomach until
her heated breathing was falling over the omega’s center. The Commander knew Raven didn’t like
waiting, so she ripped her underwear with her hands and buried her face between her legs.
A startled gasp left Mechanic’s mouth, her eyes widening and her hips buckling at the direct
contact of the Commander’s lips around her clit. The alpha wasn’t playing around, wasn’t making
her wait and so she kissed the omega’s center, letting her tongue run languid strokes over every
inch of skin, letting her lips massage her clit, rub against it, suck it as hard as they could. She
seemed to start drawing then, just with the tip of her tongue the Commander drew tiny circles over
Raven’s clit, she didn’t relent, she didn’t stop, she just kept the pressure steady and constant until
the omega was writhing under her hold, her face scrunched up in complete bliss as her sounds of
pleasure rose in frequency and volume.
Raven could feel it, right there in the tip of her fingers, just out of her grasp, she felt it right there,
in the heat that burned and coiled tight right behind her center, in the electricity that ran through her
veins, making her body jump, move without her consent as she buckled her hips, trying to get
closer to the Commander’s face even when she knew it was impossible. She could feel it right
there, in the way her legs tensed around the Commander’s head, her calf folded over the alpha’s
shoulder and pressing hard over her back, keeping her from moving away, shaking and trembling
with her impending release.
For a moment there, Raven felt like it would never happen, like her high would never come. The
Commander seemed to be drawing it out for so long, keeping her on the very edge without pushing
her off. Raven knew she had been wrong to think so when the Commander sucked on her clit sharp
and hard, when she nipped at it with her teeth and delivered a solid stroke with her tongue, sending
Raven into a mind-numbing orgasm.
A loud cry left her mouth and warm heat gushed from between her legs. All of her muscles tensing
at once before they were consumed by never ending tremors, her eyes rolling to the back of her
head as her sight was spotted with white, hot pleasure filling her veins and rushing down to her
toes, making them curl tightly as she pressed them over the Commander’s back.
She regained her bearings slowly, her legs still shaking and her heart still racing, her mind felt
foggy and her tongue felt heavy, she didn’t think she could move, but the Commander was
travelling up her body, her mouth not leaving a patch of skin untouched on her way to Raven’s
neck. She stayed there for a very long time, delivering open mouthed kisses all over the omega’s
throat, her lips latching to that spot where her scent was at its peak, making the alpha’s gums ache
with the need to bite.
Raven started humming her content soon after, small moans escaping her mouth when the
Commander’s lips settled under her ear, they sucked, they kissed, they nipped at the sensitive skin,
sending waves of pleasure down to the omega’s center and making her clit ache.
Raven’s arms came alive then, her limbs still weak and shaky as she moved her hands to bury them
in the Commander’s hair, bringing the Commander’s lips to her waiting mouth. The first contact
made Raven’s hips jump up, her eyes widening for a moment before they rolled to the back of her
head and fell closed at the sensation of her own arousal on the Commander’s lips. The kiss was
unholy, dirty and deep, the Commander brushed her tongued languidly over Raven’s, letting her
warmth consume the omega’s mouth as she started to move her hips, allowing the underside of her
cock to press against the omega’s folds, soaking her shaft in her fluids.
The first bump of the Commander’s cock against the hard ridge of her clit made a burning shot of
pleasure spread goosebumps all over her body, the omega let out a loud cry that was instantly
drowned by the Commander’s lips.
Raven held tightly onto the alpha’s shoulders, feeling like she would fall over the edge before the
Commander even pushed inside of her. A new climax was building low in her abdomen and she
could do nothing to stop it, she could barely breathe, could barely follow the Commander’s hungry
kiss. The alpha seemed to notice, continuing the slow movement of her hips, letting the whole
length of her cock move up and down the expanse of Raven’s center, but moved her lips away
from the omega’s mouth, allowing her to breathe and moving back down to her neck.
Raven held on to the Commander’s shoulders, noticing right away that she was still wearing her
shirt. The omega instantly started pulling on it, the Commander’s lips losing contact with her neck
for just a moment as the shirt went over her head, her bindings were taken off next and just like that
she was left naked on top of the omega.
Another strangled moan left the omega’s lips, the Commander had lowered her body further,
letting her abdomen and chest press against Raven’s. Raven could feel all of her, her solid
abdomen, her soft breasts and the hardened buds that rested on top of them press right against her
own. The sensation made her shiver uncontrollably and one of her hands moved down, avoiding to
touch the Commander’s back and sinking her nails over the swell of her ass.
“Please, Lexa, please,” the omega begged, the Commander was barely moving her upper body,
letting her ass, her hips and her legs do all the work as she continued to brush the underside of her
cock against Raven’s center. “I need you inside, please.”
“Are you ready for me?” the Commander asked, her voice raspy and low. Raven knew she wasn’t
trying to be sexy, that she was merely aware of her length and her thickness and that she was trying
to avoid hurting her, but still, the sound of her voice made a gush of wetness drip between the
omega’s legs.
“So ready,” Raven gasped, bucking her hips up, trying to make the Commander’s thick cock slip
inside of her. “Fuck me, please.”
She didn’t need to ask again, the Commander moved a hand between their bodies, taking a hold her
shaft and letting the head rest at Raven’s opening. She then settled her arm back against the
mattress, lifting her head from the omega’s neck to watch her expression as she started pushing
inside.
The omega squeezed her eyes tightly shut in pleasure, dragging her nails over the side of the
Commander’s neck with one hand and over the swell of her ass with the other. The Commander
kept pushing and pushing and for a moment Raven thought it would never end, having the
Commander inside always felt like the first time. The pressure was overwhelming and all-
consuming, spreading her walls to their limits until the Commander was completely buried inside.
Raven’s fists were clenched around the bedsheets, every single muscle in her body corded tightly
as her mouth formed the shape of an o.
“Fuck,” she mumbled, trying to keep herself from falling apart and willing the Commander to
move with a small buck of her hips.
The Commander never separated her upper body from Raven’s, she stayed there, pressed firmly
against the omega’s chest as her legs and ass continued to do all the work, thrusting in and out of
Raven in a fast motion. The feeling of wet warmth that had enveloped her senses as soon as she had
buried herself to the hilt in the omega’s tight channel had almost threatened to make her spill her
seed all too soon, but she wouldn’t allow that, she could barely remember anything that felt
somewhat as good as being inside of Raven felt like and because of that she would make it last for
as long as she could.
Soon the room was filled with the slapping sound of the Commander’s hips hitting Raven’s center
over and over, unrelenting, each roll of her hips being met by Raven’s own, who pushed her hips
up to meet the Commander’s thrusts. Raven knew she wouldn’t last much longer, she could feel
her walls fluttering, clenching and unclenching around the Commander’s swollen shaft, trying to
keep it inside and unwilling to let it go. Moans spilled from her mouth freely, fueled by the soft
grunts that the Commander was letting out right by her ear. The small grunts were soft and quiet,
so very low and raspy, so fucking sexy, that Raven almost missed hearing them when the
Commander latched her lips back to the sensitive skin of her neck, delivering a searing bite just as
she grinded her pelvic bone right against Raven’s clit.
The omega came with a loud cry, her nails violently racking up the Commander’s ass and towards
the small of her waist as shudders spread all over her body, her muscles shaking and spasming as
wave after wave of pleasure crashed against her. The feeling of the Commander’s seed splashing
all over her walls only made them squeeze harder, milking the Commander for everything she had.
The Commander’s climax was much quieter, but just as intense, a long quiet moan escaping her
lips as she rolled her hips lightly against the omega’s. Her mind had gone quiet, blissfully empty of
everything except for the warmth of the omega lying beneath her. The Commander softly hummed
in content, pumping her hips slowly to help the omega ride her climax, her lips and her tongue
instantly moved to work over the bite, lapping at the indentations left by her teeth to soothe the
ache.
She moved her lips up the column of Raven’s throat, dropping innocent kisses here and there until
she reached the Mechanic’s ear.
“Are you okay?” The Commander whispered, pulling back slightly so she could see the omega’s
face. Her eyes were closed, her lips parted as she tried to catch her breath, her forehead was pearled
with sweat and she looked completely spent.
“Fuck, yes,” Raven mumbled, letting out a small laugh as she attempted to open her eyes. She felt
completely boneless, barely coherent as the aftershocks of her orgasm continued to rush up and
down her body. “More than okay, so fucking good.” She slurred, reaching up with her hand to cup
the Commander’s cheek and bring her down to a sloppy kiss. “I just need a minute, okay? Then
you can give me another one of those, that didn’t even feel like an orgasm, that felt like a bunch of
orgasms all tied into one with a pretty bow,” Raven was sure she wasn’t making much sense but
she didn’t care.
“Take as long as you need,” the Commander whispered, pressing another slow languid kiss to
Raven’s lips. And damn, how was she so good at that? “Did I hurt you?” Fuck, she was so
impossibly endearing, too.
“No, I just don’t think I can ever get used to the way you can fill me,” Raven said, watching with
half open eyes as a dark red flush colored the Commander’s small ears.
“I’m sorry, I know it can be uncomfortable,” the Commander said, looking down at herself for a
moment with a small frown, “We don’t have to use it when we do this, I don’t have to put it inside
of you if you don’t want me to, I can please you in other ways.”
Raven looked up at her for a moment, not even knowing how to respond, alphas only half as
blessed as the Commander was, if not less, flaunted themselves around like they were god’s gift to
the human race, and here the Commander was, having the most amazing body Raven had ever
seen, feeling unsure of herself because her size could be uncomfortable for whoever slept with her.
How was she even real? Raven had no idea.
“I won’t say no to being pleased in other ways, I’m definitely open to it,” Raven said with a smirk,
hoping to erase the worried frown on the Commander’s face, “but I definitely enjoy very much the
way you feel inside of me and you always make sure I’m as ready as I can be to take you, I really
appreciate that.” And she really did, the people she had slept with hardly did that and having even a
finger inside when she wasn’t ready could be pretty awful.
“I just don’t want to hurt you,” the Commander said and Raven felt her chest fill with warmth.
“You aren’t, I promise.”
“Okay, good,” the Commander said, giving the omega a short nod.
“Do you think you can have your way with me again?” Raven asked with teasing smile on her lips,
knowing already that the Commander wouldn’t deny.
“You said you needed to rest for a moment.”
“I am ready.”
“You are sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.”
***********************
Raven felt almost bad about asking, almost. The Commander had finally started to fall asleep after
Raven managed to convince her to stay in bed. Yes, it was the Commander’s room, and yes, it was
her bed, but the Commander didn’t want to make Raven walk back to her own room and she didn’t
want to impose by sleeping on the same bed with her. Raven had been quick to point out that they
had slept together plenty of times, but the Commander insisted that it was not the same, for in Polis
the bed was so big they didn’t actually touch each other while they were asleep, in Arkadia the bed
was tiny, they had to sleep pressed closely together and if any of them moved towards the edge
they would fall for sure. She didn’t want to make Raven uncomfortable and she didn’t want to
violate her space so she offered to sleep on the floor.
Raven was having a really tough time remembering why she hated the Commander in the first
place when she was being so fucking endearing and making Raven feel all stupidly warm and soft
inside. The warmth that bloomed in her chest was quickly squashed down again, the Commander
and her had sex, they did not do feelings.
Sex, not feelings. Sex, not feelings. Sex, not feelings.
After a few minutes of debating and convincing, Raven had finally managed to get the alpha back
into bed by her side, and that alpha had begun falling asleep when Raven was unable to contain her
curiosity.
“Hey, earlier, when you mentioned sleeping in worse places, what did you mean?” Raven asked.
The Commander, who was laying on her side at the very edge of the bed, trying to make herself as
small as possible, was in very serious danger of falling off, Raven was pretty sure her ass was out
of the bed. Said Commander opened her eyes heavily, a low hum leaving her parted lips as she tried
to open her eyes to properly look at Raven.
“Excuse me, I did not hear you,” the Commander said, voice low and raspy with sleep. The sound
made a shiver run down Raven’s back, it almost made her want to pull the Commander on top of
her again, but she couldn’t, she honestly couldn’t, she was barely regaining some feeling in her legs
and her center was kind of sore. The Commander hadn’t been gentle, and Raven couldn’t blame
her, she didn’t like gentle or slow, and the Commander liked to give her what she wanted, even if
that always made her look at Raven with concern and worry every time they finished.
“You said this place is paradise compared to other places, I am curious, you don’t have to tell me if
you don’t want to, though, or if you are too tired.”
“I was a Nokru goufa, a no people child, no parents, an orphan,” the Commander said, the foggy
state of her mind keeping her from finding the correct word in English on her first few tries. “I was
a child of the streets before I was brought to the tower, I had to fend for myself and that meant
sleeping wherever it was dry enough. Sometimes when it was raining or when the snow was too
bad people would let me sleep in their homes, but they were reluctant to do it, having me meant
having another mouth to feed, and back then, with war and chaos all over the land resources were
very scarce, people barely had enough to get by, they couldn’t afford to feed a child that was not
their own, a child they were not responsible for,” The Commander spoke the words slowly and just
slightly slurred with sleep. That didn’t erase the air of nonchalance that surrounded the words, the
matter of fact tone that was carried with them. The lack of feeling, of care, like none of it mattered.
At some point the Commander had closed her eyes while she spoke and because of that Raven was
allowed to stare at her, eyes wide and blurred with shock, feeling sick all of a sudden. She could not
imagine it, she couldn’t think of it, a little kid alone in the street, having no home, no shelter, no
food, vulnerable against the inclement weather.
The Commander breathed in deeply, opening her mouth to continue speaking, but she suddenly
frowned, detecting something wrong in Raven’s scent. The Commander couldn’t put a name on it,
she was not great with feelings. Sadness? Anguish maybe?
“Why are you upset?” The Commander asked, blinking quickly as she tried to rouse herself further,
she analyzed her words, trying to find something offensive in them that could have bothered
Raven. She didn’t think she had said anything wrong, but Raven had been fine before she had
started speaking. “I did not mean to upset you. What can I do to make it better?”
Raven stared back at her, jaw tense and tightened, throat in knots. How could anyone be like that?
The Commander was expressing the horrors that were her childhood and all she seemed to care
about was the fact that Raven was upset.
“You didn’t upset me,” Raven said, knowing she was lying and knowing the Commander knew
she was lying. But the alpha shouldn’t be able to upset her, much less with something like that,
Raven couldn't get upset about it because she did not care. At all. She did not care…. Right?
Sex, not feelings. Sex, not feelings. Sex, not feelings.
“You are sure?” The Commander asked, her tone hesitant as her brows pulled slightly in the
middle of her forehead, showing her concern. She tilted her head down, green eyes big and wide as
they searched for Raven’s. And how was she even real? How could she be concerned about
Raven’s wellbeing when she was talking about how she had had no home and no one to care for
her while she was a child, she had been homeless she had lived outside who knows where. Raven
couldn’t understand how could she say any of that with such and neutral tone and then be
concerned about Raven being upset. “You are getting upset again,” the Commander said, leaving
no space for doubt, “what can I do?”
Raven looked back at her, mouth parted open and eyes open wide in confusion, she could not
believe what she was witnessing.
“It’s nothing, I am just over thinking some things,” Raven said, offering the alpha a weak smile in
hope the worry in her face would go away.
“Oh, is there something you wish to speak of?” The Commander offered, ready to dismiss their
previous subject to focus on Raven. “Maybe I can help, with being Heda… I could find a
solution.”
“No, it's fine, you can keep telling me about what I asked before, if you want,” Raven said and the
Commander didn’t answer right away, she stayed quiet for a second, just taking in Raven’s
expression and demeanor to make sure she was really okay.
“During war there’s never a good place to sleep, sometimes we manage to set up camps, but even
then, most times one ends up sleeping on the ground and when the weather conditions are bad…”
The Commander trailed off and her gaze seemed to drift away from Raven’s for a moment as they
got lost in a memory. “It gets really cold during the winter and sometimes we did not get to change
our clothes, so we would be dirty and wet, sleeping on the ground and unable to change our clothes.
I did not appreciate that.”
“What?” Raven asked, the knot in her throat only managing to get bigger and bigger with every
word that left the Commander’s lips. “The cold?”
“No,” The Commander said, “the inability to change my clothes, I am not fond of being dirty. I
enjoy washing myself at least daily and having fresh clothes to wear. The cold can be
uncomfortable, but I see some benefits to it.”
“Oh, yeah, I can see that, most of the time I have seen you you always look well put together and
clean, you always smell pretty good, too,” Raven said, quickly nudging the underside of the
Commander’s neck with her nose before moving away. A flush seemed to move up the
Commander’s neck and color her ears, the corner of her mouth tilted up slightly and Raven felt
some of the tightness in her throat ebb away at the sight of the tiny smile. “What benefits do you
find in the cold?”
“It’s numbing,” the Commander said at once, “it can be used to ease pain and swelling and I know
it is unwise to lower someone’s body temperature, but when you are at war and everything hurts,
being somewhat numb helps. It slows the rotting process, too.”
The small relief Raven had felt seemed to vanish all at once and the Commander noticed, she
opened her eyes wide and looked back at the omega.
“Raven, you are upset,” she said, her voice strong and leaving no room for Raven to deny it, “Tell
me what can I do so you aren’t upset anymore.”
“There’s nothing you can do, I am not upset,” Raven said, trying to convince herself more than the
Commander. She was not upset, because she absolutely did not care, she did. not. care. “I just think
going through all of that must have sucked.”
The Commander looked back at Raven, her expression changing drastically from concern to
confusion. The omega could almost see how the Commander’s brain worked to find a connection
between her messed up past and Raven being upset, it didn’t seem to make sense to her, if her
expression was any indication, and Raven could relate, she didn’t think it made any sense either.
“Things are how they are,” the Commander said simply, without much preamble. The only thing
that could have made her response worse was a shrug going along with it, but of course the
Commander didn’t shrug.
“I know, but maybe they shouldn't be.” Raven said and the Commander nodded in agreement.
“There’s no point on dwelling in the past, it is only useful when you use it to build a better future,
my experience as a Nokru goufa was the main reason why I decided an orphanage was needed.”
The Commander said, letting out a small sigh when she noticed that the anguish laced in Raven’s
scent hadn’t gone away. She reached up with one hand and pressed her fingers gently over Raven’s
brow, smoothing out her frown. “Don’t be upset about my past, it is meaningless, it is not worth
it.”
“I am not sure I can agree with you on that,” Raven said, saddening further when the Commander
frowned in confusion, she genuinely didn’t understand why her pain or the things she had been
through would hold any importance. The only thing that mattered about her was her ability to fulfill
her duty, nothing else.
Before the Commander could say anything else, Raven rested her head down on the pillow and
pulled the alpha closer to the middle of the bed. She didn’t bulge and Raven looked at her with a
frown.
“Move closer,” Raven said, making her intentions clear, there was no way the alpha would sleep
comfortably like that.
“I want to give you as much as space as I can. I could still settle on the floor,” the Commander
offered and Raven looked back at her with frustration.
“We already spoke about this, you are sleeping on the bed with me and you will move closer
because I don’t want you to fall off,” Raven said and the Commander didn’t move. The omega
sighed and decided to change tactics, making it about her and not about the Commander. “Look, I
feel kind of cold, if you move closer, I can press myself up against you, you are pretty warm, so
just get closer so I can use you like my personal body heater.”
“Okay,” the Commander said as she moved towards the omega. “I can go and get you more
blankets-”
“No, its fine,” Raven said, snuggling closer to the Commander’s chest so she wouldn’t be too close
to the edge of the bed either, she settled down and closed her eyes. She felt burdened, exhausted
and she didn’t understand how the Commander could go around like that, with all that baggage on
her and with no one to share it with. She should have never asked her anything.
There was a little shuffling around on the bed and Raven opened one eye to try and see what was
going on. Commander Lexa was trying and failing to reach for the bedsheets without disrupting
Raven’s position. The omega could see her arm and fingers stretching as much as they could
before they finally managed to get a grasp of the fabric. The Commander then proceeded to tug the
bedsheets up until they were covering Raven’s shoulders and dear god, how could someone be like
that after dealing with so much shit for so long?
The Commander finally settled down and stopped moving, keeping both arms wrapped around
Raven’s middle to provide as much warmth as she could.
“Is this okay?” The Commander asked quietly, just in case Raven had already fallen asleep.
“Yes,” Raven whispered, her forehead resting against the Commander’s sternum. “Sleep.” She
said, feeling the Commander nod before the room was consumed by silence.
…………………….
When Raven woke up the next day the bed was cold and empty, indicating the Commander had
left quite a while ago. Raven didn’t feel particularly bad about that, knowing well that the
Commander’s days started at ungodly hours and that the alpha didn’t like waking her up. She
incorporated herself on the bed and stretched, letting out a groan at the soreness of her muscles.
She wondered for how long the Commander would stay and hoped she would have the chance to
spend the night with her again. Maybe she would have to get a fuck buddy within Arkadia, because
if she was only going to have sex with the Commander that would mean a lot of nights spent on her
own. The thought was dismissed quickly after, she could probably try, but there was no way any
other person could top the Commander, much less with the alpha superiority complex that most
alphas within Skaikru possessed.
Her train of thought was quickly interrupted when she noticed the lack of things in the room, the
Commander’s clothes were gone, as was her traveling sac and her boots. Why would she walk
around with her traveling sac when she could just leave it in her room until she left?
Unless.... Unless she had already left.
No, it couldn’t be, Raven thought as she got out of bed and started putting on her clothes and brace.
The Commander had said that she wanted to spend some time with Koa and that she wanted to see
the cartoons, leaving so soon made no sense, there was also the meeting she wanted to have with
Abby, though that meeting was supposed to happen very early in the day.
Raven left the room and looked around the hallway, no grounders on sight. She then checked
Lana’s room and found it just as empty. A weird feeling started developing inside Raven’s
stomach, she walked towards Abby’s office and went in without knocking.
“Raven, good afternoon, I think that if you are quick you will still find some lunch in the dining
hall,” Abby said with a smile as she looked up at the omega, she knew that Raven didn’t have the
healthiest sleeping pattern, that the omega had a tendency to go to bed late and because of that she
would sometimes sleep in.
“Thanks. Have you seen the Commander?” Raven asked at once. Abby looked up at her with a tiny
frown between her brows.
“She left a little after our meeting was over, I tried to have her stay for breakfast but she didn’t
accept, she thanked me for our hospitality and left right after. She didn’t say goodbye?” Abby
asked, though the answer seemed obvious.
“I don’t understand, she told me she wanted to spend some time with Koa.”
“Well, she did visit him, she brought him a few wooden toys for him to play with and she took
some time to speak with his mother, after that she left. I asked her if it wouldn’t be wiser to leave
tomorrow and she just told me she was needed in Polis, I stopped insisting after that.”
“Yeah, maybe something came up,” Raven said, completely unconvinced. Leaving without saying
goodbye, not staying around to take a look at the Cartoons Raven had mentioned in her letters, not
staying around for breakfast, all of it just seemed weird. “Did the meeting go well at least?”
“Very well, I would say,” Abby said with a smile, “She knows well what she wants and she just
wanted to know if I would support her. I told her we would gladly provide the Coalition, especially
with medical knowledge, and that we would for sure be happy to help any kids and any warriors
that have injuries that have kept bothering over time. She said she would eventually like me to step
down from being Chancellor and let Kane take over so that I can dedicate myself full time to being
a doctor.”
“Wow, and you agreed to that?” Raven asked, her eyes wide and her eyebrows arched.
“I did, she is not planning to do any of that right now. We will take as long as we need to get the
infirmary better staffed, we will receive a small number of patients depending on the gravity of
their injuries and Marcus will train someone to become his replacement, slowly we will make all
the transitions, there is no rush, she knows well how difficult a shift in power can be and she
doesn’t want to cause any problems. In a few weeks we will be getting our first patients, I was
hoping you could help in case any of them required braces or things of the like,” Abby said,
looking back at Raven expectantly.
“Sure Abby, whatever you want. Don’t you need to plan all of this a bit better though? It all seems
a little rushed.”
“Yes, of course, the Commander can’t just come here for that all the time so we agreed to have
meetings via radio with Kane’s help.”
“Okay, great, just let me know when you need me,” Raven said as she walked towards the door.
“Thank you, Raven,” The Doctor said before the omega walked away.
………………………….
“You have been brooding for almost two weeks now, get over it, Rae,” Octavia said as she sat
down besides Raven on the green area within the gate, she was hoping to get a letter from the
Commander, she hadn’t gotten any in the past two weeks.
At first, she thought the Commander had been busy, that it was like last time, things had gotten
difficult in Polis and so the Commander had stayed quiet for some time, but two weeks? Two
weeks was a lot, especially when she had grown used to receiving letters every four days. The
worst part of it all was that she could not send a letter if the Commander didn’t do it first, if she
had been able to get someone to get the letter to Polis, she would have already done it.
“Leave her alone, O,” Harper said, from her place at Raven’s side, “She gets to feel whatever she is
feeling.”
“Why, though? I thought you didn’t care,” Octavia pointed out and Raven avoided to look at her,
letting her head rest on top of her good knee.
“I don’t,” Raven said, the bitterness in her tongue making her doubt the validity of her statement.
“Last time she disappeared there was a mess in Polis, I am just worried we are going to be dragged
into another war.”
“Don’t worry, that isn’t the case,” a voice said from behind them. Raven, Harper and Octavia
turned around to look at Clarke, who had just come out and was standing behind them with a blank
expression on her face, arms crossed over her chest.
“What do you mean? What do you know?” Raven said as she stood up to face the blonde.
“When she came to see my mother… Let’s just say I saw her leaving her room in the morning, she
tried to close the door so I wouldn’t see you, but I did and your scent was all over her anyway. I had
a talk with her, she won’t be bothering you anymore.”
Raven saw red.

“What did you say to her, Clarke?” the Mechanic asked, her jaw clenched so tight it hurt.
“The truth. I got her off your back, you are welcome,” Clarke said, moving to go back inside when
Raven grabbed her by the shoulder and forced her to turn around.
“What did you say to her? Do not make me repeat myself again,” Raven demanded, her hands
curled into fists.
“You just said you don’t care, so what’s the problem?”
“The problem is you getting into my business, you had no right to do that, no one asked for your
opinion,” Raven said, visibly seething with anger as she glared at Clarke.
“She is going to hurt you, that is all she does. I was protecting you and I am not going to apologize
for that.”
“I did not ask for your protection, tell me what you told her, now!” Raven said, her voice so loud
people turned to look at them.
“I asked her how could she even look at you after everything she has put you through, I asked her
what’s the difference between what Nia did to her and what she did to you, I asked her how could
she even touch you when she is the reason there are scars all over your body, when she is the
reason you were tortured. I asked her how could she ever sleep by your side knowing she is your
Nia,” Clarke said, eyes cold and dead as ice as she looked back at Raven, her chin lifted up in
defiance. “I told her she is a cold, heartless monster and that she didn’t even deserve to share the
same air as you.”
Raven was vibrating with anger; she could feel her face burning with rage as her heart pumped
harshly against her ribs. She could barely believe what she was hearing, the Commander had
shared her story with Costia with Clarke and the blonde had only used it to hurt her.
“You had no fucking right!” Raven shouted, pulling everyone’s gaze towards them as she pointed
an accusing finger in Clarke’s direction. “And you got it all fucking wrong, because the only
monster I can see is you!” Raven said before storming off.
She needed to talk to Abby, to Bellamy, to Miller, to someone! She needed to go to Polis and she
would do whatever she had to do to get there.
Someone grabbed her arm and Raven turned to look at them completely enraged.
“What, Octavia?! What?!”
“That’s one hell of a reaction for someone that doesn’t care.” The young warrior said and Raven
felt like she could slap her right then and there.
“Are you fucking kidding me!” Raven said, her loud tone making Octavia wince.
“Okay, wait, I am sorry, I know what you want to do and I am not letting you go to Polis on your
own, let’s talk to Bell, he can get us there.”
Raven only nodded mutely, walking with Octavia to find her brother.
……………………………….
They left Arkadia almost around sundown, which meant they only got to Polis late the next
morning. Raven hadn’t been able to sleep during the ride over; she was too furious.
She was angry at Clarke for what she said to the Commander. She was angry at the Commander
for believing all the blonde’s bullshit. She was angry at herself for not going with her gut, she had
known there was something room the moment she noticed the Commander had left Arkadia and if
she had followed that feeling she would have been able to fix the misunderstanding long ago.
And, to make it all even worse, the guards standing by the Commander’s bed chambers were
telling her she was not available. What the hell did that even mean? Was she in training? Was she
in a meeting? She knew that wasn’t the case, she had spoken to Kane and he had told her that the
Commander had been in her chambers since the day before and no one had seen her, all important
matters were meant to be taken to Titus instead.
“Look, I understand she is not available, but she summoned me here, she told me to come and I
came so she is going to be angry if you don’t let me in,” Raven lied easily, she would talk to the
Commander and her stupid guards would not stop her.
“The Commander didn’t notify us about your arrival,” One of the guards said and Raven grinded
her teeth together. Okay, not so stupid then.
“Did she notify you about my arrival last time?” Raven asked and the man’s eyes widened just
slightly. “Exactly, she didn’t, but she confirmed that she had indeed told me to come here so let me
see her.”
“No,” the man said, looking away from Raven and staring forwards. “No one is to go into the
Commander’s chambers, Flamekeeper’s orders.”
Raven was just about to blow up.
“Rae, let’s talk to Kane, maybe he can help us-” Octavia tried, but Raven completely ignored her.
“Let me speak to Lana then.”
“The Handmaiden is not to leave the Commander’s chambers,” the guard answered, and Raven
looked away in frustration, trying to keep herself from screaming.
“The Handmaiden was put under my service last time I was here, I am here again now, so Lana is
supposed to be on my service again, those were the Commander’s orders, you don’t want to go
against them, do you?” Raven asked slowly, her tone low and threatening, the two guards looked at
each other, looking slightly alarmed for the first time, they seemed to share a silent conversation
because a moment later one of them was opening the door, just a crack, not allowing Raven to see
inside. He called Lana and moments later the young woman was coming out of the room.
Raven instantly knew something was wrong, there were dark bags under her eyes and they were
red rimmed and swollen.
“Lana, what’s going on?” Raven asked instantly, placing a hand on the woman’s shoulder.
“Raven kom Skaikru,” She said, sounding surprised to see her. “Come with me,” she continued,
guiding Raven to the room that had been assigned to her last time she had come. Octavia was
following close behind.
Lana closed the door as soon as they were all inside and instantly reached for the inside of her coat,
pulling out a small of stack of letters. There were four of them, the four the Commander should
have sent over the past two weeks.
“Heda wrote them, I don’t know why she did not send them, when Heda fell ill I decided to keep
them all safe,” the young woman said, looking like she was about to cry.
“When Heda fell ill?” Raven asked, her eyes widening. A shot of dread thundered through her
body, making her feel suddenly weak. “What’s wrong with her? Is that why they are not letting
anyone see her?”
“Yes, Heda started feeling ill two days ago, she fulfilled her duty for as long as she could, but the
pain got too bad, she could no longer push through it so yesterday morning she could not get out of
bed. The healers saw to her, but this illness has no cure, it always kills those who have it. Right
now, we are just waiting for her spirit to move on, I am trying to keep her comfortable, but it is
hard when Titus won’t allow her to receive anything to relieve her pain, he says she has to remain
strong until the end of her fight.”
“What?” Raven asked dumbly, all the blood leaving her face at once as she felt her stomach revolt.
“There is nothing to do but wait, the fever has taken hold of her already,” Lana said, her eyes filled
with moisture, the translucent drops rolled down her cheeks and dripped to the floor from her chin.
“It won’t be long now; her fight will end soon and she won’t be in any pain.”
Raven could barely process the words, they filtered in slowly, almost like she was underwater. But
when she finally realized what Lana was saying her stomach lurched, fast and violent, leaving the
omega bent over, emptying her stomach all over the floor.
Chapter End Notes
Thanks for reading!!! And if you are reading BMAHE let me know if you want me to
post what I have.
Let me know if you are liking this story so far, too.

Chapter 5
Chapter Notes
This chapter is 35 pages long, I really hope it doesn't bore you to death. I have had an
awful couple of weeks, but anyway, I just hope you like the chapter. I'm sorry I
couldn't get to answering all of the comments, I've been a little more busy than usual,
just wanted to let you know that I read them all, loved them all, and will be waiting for
more, so let me know what you think about this chap.
Also, for those who are worried this will be an anti-Clarke fic, that won't be the case,
she will be a bit bitter and angry but not much else, she already did the worst I had
planned for her to do, so it won't get worse than it was last chapter.
Alsooooo, there are 4 letters in this chapter, on the second one there is a mention of
castration, I don't know if that's triggering for anyone so I thought I would let you
know. So, TRIGGER WARNING, mention of castration on letter #2.
There are also mentions of abuse and rape, none of it actually happens, and there's
nothing graphic, but thought I'd let you know anyway.
Thanks for reading, and I will see you in the comments.
“…She was just afraid, deadly frightened, she thought that if she denied your advances you would
have her tortured again, that is how you solve all your problems, isn’t it? Who knows, maybe she
thought you would throw her off your fucking tower if she didn’t let you fuck her. That would put
anyone in survival mode, probably made her a good actress, how else could she ever enjoy
sleeping with the person that murdered her lover? How else could she ever stand next to the
person that cut her up with her own hands? You delivered the first cut, or have you forgotten...”
Clarke’s words played in her head in a loop, they were all she could think of, almost shadowing the
pain that was fiercely shooting up her abdomen. In moments she was doing her best to roll over,
retching violently over the bucket that Lana had been careful to place beside her bed.
Was she vomiting because of her illness, or because of how disgusted she felt towards herself?
Lexa could no longer tell.
………………………….
Raven rinsed her mouth several times, Octavia was by her side with her hand on her back, sharing
quick words with Lana. The handmaiden quickly offered a few mint leaves to get the bad taste out
of her mouth.
“I need you to get me into her room now,” Raven said as she straightened and looked into Lana’s
eyes.
“Titus forbid everyone’s entrance; he is trying to keep everything quiet. Having an empty throne is
always dangerous, even more so if an enemy found out about her illness.”
“I could not care less!” Raven snapped, making the girl wince. “Look, I know you care about her
and you know we can save her, we did it last time and we can do it now. You just need to let me in,
see what’s wrong, I will talk to our healer and we will at least try. Can you really live with yourself
if you let her die without even trying to save her?”
“No one has ever survived this, there is no treatment for it, there is nothing to do!” Lana said, her
eyes watering once more.
“Lana, listen to me!” Raven said strongly, grabbing her by the arms and giving her a strong shake.
“She was ran through with a sword and we saved her, whatever this is I am sure we can save her,
too!”
The handmaiden just stared back at her for a second, not knowing what to do. Raven was getting
more and more frustrated with every second that passed. What could it be? the grounders were sure
she was going to die, what could it be?
“Lana, please,” Raven said quietly, squeezing her arms. The young girl offered her a nod and
walked towards the door, Raven and Octavia walking right behind her.
In moments they were standing right in front of the guards, Lana looked up at them and
straightened her spine.
“Heda will not be happy to know you turned Raven kom Skaikru away.”
“We have our orders,” the guard said. Raven clenched her hands into fists, they were wasting so
much time.
“For as long as Heda is fighting her word will have more weight than Titus’, she summoned the
Skaikru omega, so she must be let in. I imagine you would not want to go against one of Heda’s
orders,” Lana said, and Raven watched as the two men glanced briefly at each other, sharing a
silent conversation. Finally, one of them pushed the door open.
“I will not dishonor Heda,” He said as he let them pass.
Raven rushed in, leaving Octavia and Lana behind as she approached the Commander’s bedside.
She was lying prone on the bed, she was on her back, her hair in a simple braid that rested over her
left shoulder, her face and her lips had taken a sickening pallor, gone was the healthy bronze glow
that her skin always seemed to have. Her cheeks were sunken in and it looked like someone had
punched her in the face repeatedly, for two dark bruises seemed to surround her eyes, as if she
hadn’t slept in weeks. There was a wooden bucket right beside her bed, near her head, and even
though it was empty, Raven felt the faint smell of vomit coming from it.
Raven had been so desperate to see her and now that she was actually in front of her, she was
completely frozen, the Commander looked dead already.
“Raven…” The Commander whispered, her eyes only half open and red rimmed, her voice weak
and hollow, lacking the strength that her tone always carried.
Her voice seemed to snap Raven out of her daze, she sat down on a chair that had been placed next
to the bed and took the Commander’s hand in her own. Her eyes widened at the first touch, the
Commander was burning, her insides were a furnace, letting heat out through her skin.
“Tell me what’s wrong, what hurts?” Raven asked at once, looking into the Commander’s pale
green eyes as she squeezed her hand in her own.
“I’m-I’m sorry… I didn’t… mean to-to force you…” Lexa whispered, trying to pull her hand away,
she didn’t want to keep forcing her touch onto the omega, she had already done that enough. “I’m
sorry,” She repeated once more, knowing her words didn’t mean anything, the damage had already
been done, she had taken advantage of her position, of her power, to force a vulnerable omega into
bed with her. She should have known Raven had only accepted out of fear of being hurt by her,
why else would she ever accept Lexa in her presence? She had been so foolish, and because of that
she had violated an omega, the most valuable members of any clan. Anya would be so ashamed of
her.
Raven felt something in her chest crack at the words, fury filled her veins making her want to
scream until her throat was sore and raw. She looked down and into the Commander’s eyes, seeing
the honesty in them, the pain it caused her to think she had somehow abused of her power to hurt
the her. She could barely stand to look at it, she cupped the Commander’s cheek with her hand,
feeling the heat searing against her palm, her concern growing with every second that passed.
“You didn’t force me to do anything, I want it, I wanted all of it,” Raven tried to reassure her,
brushing her thumb gently over the Commander’s cheekbone, much more prominent than she
remembered. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”
“You were afraid…” the Commander insisted, her voice hoarse and weak, laced with a pain that
injected her eyes in red, “...I would hurt you...I took advantage...I am sorry… I deserve this for-for
what I did… to you...”
“Hey, no, stop!” Raven said, her heart racing in her chest as her eyes started to water. Lexa didn’t
listen.
“A painful… dishonorable… death.”
“Stop!” Raven snapped, bringing her free hand up so she could hold the Commander’s face with
both hands. “It was not like that! You did not force me to do anything. Tell me what’s wrong so
that I can help you.”
“This is my… punishment,” the Commander said, her forehead pearled with sweat, pupils blown
with the fever. Raven stood up in sheer frustration, her hands going to her head and massaging her
temples, she hoped everything the Commander was saying was a result of the fever, of the pain,
she hoped she didn’t really believe any of that. Raven didn’t know what she would do with herself
if the Commander died thinking that she had basically abused her.
During her panicked pacing Raven caught sight of Lana, if the Commander didn’t tell her what was
wrong Lana would. She didn’t even ask the handmaiden, she simply reached for her radio and tried
to contact Abby.
“Raven? I heard what happened, did you clear the air with the Commander already?” the Doctor
asked, she had heard the whole thing from Harper, who had been the one to let her know that
Raven had taken one of the Rovers to go to Polis.
“She’s fucking dying!” Raven said through gritted teeth, sinking her nails hard against the side of
her neck to try and contain her emotions.
“What?” Abby said, her voice short and cold. The Ice Queen was no longer an issue, but she knew
the Commander dying would not bring anything good. “What’s happening? Why were we not
notified?”
“It is some kind of illness that the grounders can’t cure, they are just waiting for her to die,
according to them she just has a couple of days left.”
“Tell me her symptoms, maybe it is something we can treat,” Abby said at once, she walked inside
her office, closing the door behind her so no noise from outside would get in the way.
“I’m going to pass the radio to her handmaiden, she’s been the one taking care of the Commander
since she got sick,” Raven said, holding the radio up to Lana’s mouth. The handmaiden stared at
the object with wide eyes, not knowing what to do with it. “Look Lana, I’ll handle it for you, just
answer whatever she asks.”
“Okay,” The handmaiden said, giving Raven a nod.
“Lana, is it? I am Abby and I am a healer, please tell me what the Commander’s symptoms are in
as much detail as you can,” Abby said and Lana nodded to herself.
“She has a very high fever, she has been vomiting frequently, I’ve tried to keep her well fed and
hydrated but she hasn’t been able to keep anything down, only small sips of water. She sometimes
trembles and shudders, like chills are going through her body. And there is the pain, it’s bad, and it
is located in her abdomen.” Lana said, looking nervously up at Raven. The omega offered her a
reassuring nod, letting her know she was doing a good job.
“Okay, Lana, you are doing good. I just need to ask a few more questions. When did this pain start?
You say her abdomen hurts, does all of it hurts or only one part of it?”
“The pain started the day before yesterday, Heda didn’t mention it but I knew something was
wrong when she turned down all her meals, I saw her reaching for her stomach a few times, but she
continued with her duties. It got bad during the night, she started vomiting, she insisted she was
okay, but I could see her hand pressing against her lower right side, she never complained about
pain, but I have seen how she acts when she is pain and I knew there was something wrong. The
next morning, she was struggling to put on her armor, standing for too long seemed to pain her, she
just kept holding onto her right side and asked me to get Titus. During the day the pain got worse,
she told the healer that it was constant, that it never went away and that it only seemed to be getting
worse and worse, she hasn’t been able to get out of bed since then, every little movement hurts
her.”
“The pain, it is located in her lower right side?”
“Yes, that’s where it is focused, but it has been getting worse, radiating up her side and towards the
middle of her abdomen,” Lana said, feeling Raven’s heavy stare on the side of her face. The omega
only got even more concerned after the description of Lexa’s symptoms, she looked worriedly
towards the bed, the Commander was just lying there, not making a sound, not moving a muscle,
her breathing was so faint Raven could barely see her chest move.
“Lana, I am sure you know a fever is usually a sign of infection, have your healers given her
anything that could fight off infection?”
“No, she has not been given anything. The healers recognized the illness and know it can’t be
cured so they haven’t tried to help her, usually when one of our own gets sick like this the healers
only give them something to help the pain and try to keep them comfortable, or they offer to end
their fight painlessly, but Titus didn’t allow for the Heda to have any kind of pain relief, he says
she must remain strong until the end of her fight.”
“Okay, Lana, thank you,” Abby said as calmly as she could. She couldn’t be completely sure of
what was going on, but Lana’s description of the Commander’s symptoms had given her a pretty
good idea of what it was. “I need to talk to Raven now, please.”
“Abby, what is it? Can you do something about it?”
“It sounds like appendicitis, Raven,” Abby said and Raven frowned to herself. She was familiar
with appendicitis, her mother had had it when she was little, she had stayed at the medbay for like
two days and in just a little while she had been as good as new. The appendix was basically a
useless organ, it got swollen, so the doctors took it out and that was it. Nobody actually died from
appendicitis, not in the Ark at least.
“Who the hell dies from that?” Raven said, turning to look at Lexa once again, had her mother
looked that bad? She couldn’t remember.
“Someone who doesn’t get early treatment, Raven,” Abby said seriously, “If the appendix doesn’t
get taken out it will keep swelling until it ruptures inside of her, if it hasn’t already, she will
develop something called sepsis, her blood pressure will drop and she will die. I need you to bring
her here right away, she needs surgery, she needs it now, Raven,” the hairs on the back of her neck
stood on end in overwhelming panic, it would take hours to get to Arkadia, would she make it
there?
“It will take us ages to get there, will she even make it?”
“She could, the appendix does not burst right away. It takes a minimum of 72 hours for it to
rupture, it could take longer also, maybe four or five days, we are standing on that window right
now. Get her here and let me worry about the rest. I’ll have everything ready; we will need to get
some tests done to make sure, just come here, now.”
Raven nodded to herself, not even bothering to answer, she just turned to look at Lana and Octavia.
“How do we get her out of here?” the omega asked.
“Titus won’t allow it,” Lana said at once.
“She is still the Commander, she can leave if she wants to, right?” Octavia asked tentatively and
Lana turned to look at her, head tilted to the side, not knowing how to respond.
“Of course, she can,” Raven said, “Lana, go get her stuff and your stuff, pack light, only the
essentials. I will go and try to get her up.”
Raven walked back to the Commander’s bedside; Octavia close behind her.
“Hey, Lexa, I need you to come with me,” Raven said, pulling the furs off of the Commander’s
body. She was only wearing a loose long shirt and maybe shorts underneath, Raven couldn’t tell,
the shirt was too long. “We are going to make you better; you will be good as new in no time.”
“No, Raven, this is my punishment... for what I did… to you,” She mumbled, her eyes hazy and sad
as they looked back at the omega. She wasn’t listening, she just would not listen and Raven needed
to get her to cooperate.
“Look at me, I am right here and I am not lying, Clarke lied to you, I don’t believe any of that and
we need time to talk about this. I know you don’t know what to believe, but I need you to come
with me so that we have time to get all of this misunderstanding fixed,” Raven said strongly, trying
to convey her honesty through her gaze and her words. “If you don’t want to do this for yourself
then do this for me, please.”
Raven wasn’t sure the Commander understood everything she had said, her fever was too high, her
eyes were too hazy, her face too pale, and she was probably dehydrated. Raven wasn’t sure the
Commander understood everything, but she knew the Commander had understood at least one
thing.
“For you?” Lexa asked, her words slurred with pain and exhaustion. Raven felt her very bones
ache.
“Yes, for me,” Raven said, watching the Commander tilt her head down in a tiny nod.
“Okay, for-for you,” the Commander said, her arms trembling with the effort she was making to
push herself up. Raven couldn’t help but feel so awfully endeared by how resolute the Commander
had become all of a sudden.
She should have known. She should have known from how the Commander looked, from what
Lana had said, she should have known getting her up was a terrible idea. As soon as she was on her
feet she doubled over in pain, retching violently as her stomach tried to expulse whatever was left
in it. Her knees buckled and she would have collapsed if Raven and Octavia hadn’t been there to
hold her up.
“I’m sorry-I’m sorry,” She mumbled over and over, her arms having unconsciously wrapped up
around her middle.
“Shh, shh, it’s fine, I’ve got you,” Raven said at once, keeping a strong arm around her waist.
Holding her up was difficult, Lexa had an inch, maybe two on her and several on Octavia, plus she
was built on pure muscle. She was doing what she could but she wouldn’t be able to make it to the
Rover on her own. “Octavia, tell your brother to wait for us by the elevator.”
“Tell him to wait by the back of the tower,” Lana interrupted, as she came in suddenly with two
small bags on her shoulders. “We can’t allow for Heda to be seen like this, everyone will see her if
she leaves out front, we must cover her up as much as we can and take her out the back.”
“You heard her, O, talk to Bell and make sure he has the Rover ready,” Raven said, doing her best
to keep Lexa standing. Lana moved quickly towards them, helping the Heda into a soft pair of
pants and boots, later helping her into a dark colored coat, it looked worn and old, something the
Commander would probably never wear, it had a hood too, one the handmaiden was quick to pull
over the Commander’s face.
“I spoke with the guards, they will make sure Titus stays away, this floor is empty as was ordered,
and the guards will make sure the elevator doesn’t stop until we make it to the first floor, they will
make sure the floor is vacant and one of them will help us take her to your vehicle.”
“Good, that’s great,” Raven said, her face colored with confusion, she didn’t know why the guards
had suddenly decided to help.
“We must go now, soon Titus will hear what’s happening and he will not be pleased.”
“Where is he now?”
“In an assembly with the Ambassadors, that’s why he has not been notified of your presence in the
tower, we are not to interrupt such matters.”
“Okay, time to go,” Raven said, taking a careful step forward. The Commander’s body tensed at
once, letting out the quietest groan of pain Raven had ever heard in her life. “It’s fine, it’s fine, it
won’t be long, I promise.”
It was a lie, she knew it, the Commander knew it, and if the look Octavia send her way was any
indication, the young warrior knew, too.
Every step was agony in its purest form, undiluted by pain medication, present and aching. The
Commander remembered the pain of being impaled by the sword, and this felt quite similar, except
the sword was being pushed in and out, in and out, the jagged edges of the blade tearing apart her
insides with every step she took. The pain didn’t come at her in waves, no, it was steady, constant
in the way it seemed to increase after every couple of minutes, surprising the Commander, letting
her know a new level of pain she didn’t remember feeling before. The elevator had never seemed
so far away, it felt like ages had passed since the last time she was able to cross that same corridor
with just a couple of long strides, now she was left stumbling like a child, her knees buckling like
those of a baby deer, threatening to pull her down and to take Raven with her.
Raven, a woman she had promised to never touch again. Her stomach rolled in disgust at her own
self, she should have known the omega’s actions had been driven by the fear of being hurt, she had
cut her like a slab of meat with her own hands, why would the omega ever want to be intimate with
her? with the person that had murdered her lover, abandoned her to certain death, tortured her. She
should have known Raven was just afraid, she had taken advantage of her power and position, her
actions had no justification, no reason to have happened, she was just repulsive.
Her thoughts halted as she felt the elevator start its descent, she leaned against the nearest wall,
trying to move her body away from the omega she had violated, but the omega didn’t let her move
too far away, she kept her arm around her waist, holding her up. Lexa didn’t understand, Raven
didn’t need to be afraid anymore, Lexa couldn’t hurt her in her state, she would be gone soon
enough. Maybe that was what she wanted, to keep her alive just so she could choose her
punishment herself. Perhaps Raven thought the pain she was going through was not enough, Lexa
understood, she knew it wasn’t.
“I didn’t mean… to use… you…” She sounded so pathetic, so weak, Anya would be so
disappointed if she could see her.
“Shh, stop, it’s not like that,” Raven said, Lexa heard her voice, she saw her mouth move, but she
could not understand what she was saying, everything was burning, with each pump of her heart
heat spread all over her skin. She didn’t think it was possible, but the very air in her lungs burnt
furiously, making it so hard to breathe.
“I understand… if you wish to kill me… yourself,” Lexa did her best to get the words out, but her
tongue felt dry and heavy, she only hoped Raven could understand what she was saying. The law
would back the omega, Trikru law protected omegas against alphas like her, alphas that abused
their power and forced omegas into doing things they didn’t wish to do, alphas that hurt omegas.
“I-I understand.”
Lexa never heard Raven answer, the elevators door opened and one of her trusted guards came
inside, he lifted her in his arms and for a never ending second Lexa felt the need to scream her
agony for everyone to hear. She could never allow herself to do that, so she bit the inside of her
cheek until her mouth was flooded with iron. She stayed there, limp and shaking until she was put
inside the Skaikru vehicle. Raven was already inside and her arms were open, waiting for her. The
guard placed her between the omega’s arms and Lexa found herself falling limply against the
omega’s chest. She tried to move away, she really did, she couldn’t keep touching the omega, but
she was weak and the arms around her kept her from moving.
“Shh, shh, stay still, you are only making the pain worse,” A sweet voice whispered in her ear.
Lexa thought her brain had finally started to decay; she didn’t think Raven had ever sounded so
sweet. “It’s going to be a bumpy ride, maybe if I hold you, you won’t feel it as much.”
“You don’t- You don’t… care,” She whispered, trying to get herself free from the omega’s arms.
She assumed Raven answered at some point but she couldn’t be sure, the vehicle started moving,
rattling and bumping over the uneven ground, falling over the holes in the earth, making her body
move around violently. The pain made blood rush in her ears and she couldn’t stop the quiet
sounds of pain that left her mouth, she tried to muffle them against Raven’s shirt, but she was sure
the omega could still hear them. So pathetic.
She knew she deserved the pain, but she couldn’t stop herself from wishing it would be over soon.
…………………….
“Bellamy, for fucks sake! Can you even drive worse than this?” Raven snapped, as her back
smashed against the Rover’s door, sending Lexa crashing against her chest, her body trembled and
tensed because of the pain. Raven was doing what she could to keep her steady, but it didn’t seem
to be doing much.
“You can’t ask me to be fast and ask me to be careful, there is not a road I can drive over, there’s
just this,” Bellamy said angrily, grinding his teeth as they went over another bump. “Try to look for
the med kit, every Rover is supposed to have one in case of accidents, it won’t have much but
maybe it will have something to help her with the pain.”
“Oh, and you think about saying that now?” Raven almost shouted, glaring at the back of
Bellamy’s neck. The man didn’t bother answering and so Raven secured her hold around Lexa and
turned towards Lana, the young girl, unused to the Rover, looked like she was going to be sick.
“Lana, please, look around for a red bag, it will probably have a white cross on the front, might be
under one of the chairs, I don’t know,” Raven said, the handmaiden nodded, and looked a little
green in the face as she tried to look around in the back of the rover.
“Here,” the handmaiden said, holding the bag in her hands.
“Nice, open it, please,” Raven asked, watching as the handmaiden opened the bag and held it for
Raven to look inside of it. There was gauze, bandages, alcohol, some syringes and vials, Raven
wasn’t too sure of what to use. “O, some help here,” Raven said, making the omega turn to look at
them from the passenger seat.
In moments Octavia was getting Abby in the radio, asking if any of the medications in the med kit
would help the Commander’s pain. Raven didn’t pay much attention, she just held Lexa close to
her chest, she knew Bellamy was going much faster than he usually would and that because of that
they would make it to Arkadia earlier than expected, but she still couldn’t help but worry, what if
the Commander’s appendix had ruptured already? What if she died thinking Raven believed what
Clarke had said?
“Just inject this into her,” Octavia said, handing Raven a syringe, “won’t take the pain away
completely, but it will help a lot.”
“You sure you got the right dose?” Raven asked, looking at the syringe in her hand warily.
“I think I know what I am doing, Raven, just give her the medicine.”
Raven was not a doctor, she was not going to try to find a vein, the best she could do was stab the
Commander with the needle in her upper arm and push the plunger until all the medicine was gone.
It must have been very good stuff because only moments later the Commander’s tense limbs were
loosening, leaving her almost completely limp against Raven’s chest.
The omega smiled, keeping her hand on the back of the Commander’s neck, massaging gently.
“That’s much better, right?”
The Commander didn’t respond, she just stayed very still, one of her hands clenching around
Raven’s shirt. The omega started pumping out her pheromones, hoping to soothe the alpha, calm
her further, maybe even help her sleep for a few minutes, the less time she spends awake during
the ride, the better.
“You are going to be okay; I promise. Abby will make you all better,” Raven whispered gently, her
lips brushing the shell of the Commander’s tiny ear. “In a few days this will only be a bad dream,
you will be just fine.”
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry,” the Heda mumbled, her forehead burning against Raven’s neck as the
omega’s heart fell to her stomach.
“Shh, don’t say that, it’s fine,” Raven said, and continued to draw soft circles on the back of the
Commander’s neck. “We will talk about it when you get better, okay? Now try to rest, please?”
“For you?” the alpha whispered, her words making a warm feeling that suspiciously felt like
fondness spread all over the omega’s chest.
“Yes, for me,” Raven said, smiling weakly to herself when she felt the Commander settle against
her and stop moving.
…………………..
The relief that came with the medication didn’t last long, and soon enough the Commander was
shuddering in Raven’s arms, her body assaulted by chills and the need to vomit. Raven had never
felt time pass so slowly, hours seemed to blur into ages, her forehead permanently creased in
concern as she tried to ignore the sounds of pain coming from the Commander’s mouth. They were
torturing her, making her suffer, all in their try to save her. Raven couldn’t let her die, she didn’t
want to, much less with how messy things had gotten between them.
“Hey, look at me, just look at me,” Raven said frantically, the Commander’s breathing had shifted,
had become fast and shallow. Dread was crawling up Raven’s spine and settling into each nerve
ending, spreading the sensation all over her body. She tilted the Commander’s head up so she
could look at her in the eyes, they were red, filled with tears she refused to release. “We are so, so
close, this will be over before you know it, just hold on for a little bit longer, yes? Just a little bit
longer, I know it hurts really bad, but just hold on, okay?”
The Commander looked back at her, looking dazed and slightly confused, her pupils blown with
pain and fever.
“For you?” She asked again, as if those were the only words she knew, Raven would take them,
she would grab them and hold them close to her heart, they were better than all the apologies, than
all the pain and all the sorrow, than all the shame that had been injected in everything else the
Commander had said to her.
“Yes, for me,” Raven answered, looking back at her with a smile. The Commander couldn’t return
the gesture, for her head fell limply against Raven’s collarbone, she was no longer able to keep her
head up on her own.
“Bell?” Raven said, her voice cracking. The Man glanced up at her through the rear-view mirror,
offering her a comforting look.
“Almost there, don’t worry, we are going to make it in time, don’t worry,” He said, but the trees
surrounding them were unfamiliar, they covered everything that Raven’s eyes could see, there was
nothing else.
Raven looked away from the sight, trying to trust Bellamy’s words as she held the Commander
close.
“It’s going to be okay,” Raven whispered just one more time, “you are going to be just fine; I
promise.”
Getting to Polis by late afternoon meant that they eventually lost light, there was a moment where
Raven could no longer see the Commander’s face properly and soon after she couldn’t hear her
either.
In the dead of night, with her back pressed against the door of the Rover and with the Commander
settled sideways between her legs, Raven could only hear the rumble of the engine, that blunt crash
of the wheels against the unstable ground, she could only hear the Commander’s accelerated
breathing. The little groans that she had been letting out before were suddenly gone, and noticing
that, felt like a clawed hand running down her spine.
Raven couldn’t see much, but she pressed her cheek against the Commander’s burning forehead
and tried to get her attention. The quiet frightened her, she could deal with the sound of pain, but
not with the quiet, not with not knowing whether the Commander was still there or not.
“Hey, Lexa, hey,” Raven said, the arm she had around the Commander’s back moving so she could
shake her arm gently.
The Commander let out a low hum of acknowledgement and tilted her head up, the slope of her
nose bumping against Raven’s jaw.
“Heavy,” she mumbled, and Raven frowned in confusion, she was relieved to hear the Commander
speaking, but she was also anxious, she could hear how her breathing had changed patterns, she
could feel how her skin radiated heat in unnatural ways, the fever felt so much worse than it had
been when they left Polis.
“What?” Raven asked, trying to keep her talking for as long as she could.
“Am I heavy… for you?” the Commander asked, not waiting for an answer when she started
moving away, she tensed, pain shooting up her right side and forcing her to stay still. “I can… I can
sit.”
“No, no, it’s fine, you are not heavy,” Raven said quickly, “how are you doing?”
“I am well,” the Commander said at once, quickly, with practiced ease.
“You don’t need to lie to me, I know you are in pain, is it worse than before?” Raven asked, trying
to see the outline of the Commander’s face in the darkness.
“You are upset…” the Commander said, her nose still pressed against the underside of the Raven’s
jaw. “I can sense it… in your scent… I don’t know why, but I- I won’t trouble you… with-with…
I’m-I’m well.” She finished, cutting herself short, she was exhausted, so dreadfully tired, the mere
act of breathing was becoming a chore, but she would not bother Raven with her pain, not when
she could feel the omega was already upset about something. If she were okay, she would be able
to help her solve whatever problem was bothering the omega, but she doubted Raven would want
her help, not after everything. That would probably make her feel like she owed her something and
that was the last thing the Commander wanted.
Raven tried to swallow the knot in her throat, she ran her hand gently down the Commander’s
bicep, drawing comforting shapes and pressing her cheek more firmly against the alpha’s forehead.
She couldn’t understand how the Commander could put her first when she was the one sick and in
pain.
“You can tell me, really, you won’t be troubling me, but not telling me, not knowing how you are
feeling would trouble me. Just tell me, please?”
“Hurts,” the Commander said, pressing her nose further into the underside of Raven’s jaw. Even
while she could feel the unease in Raven’s scent, it still calmed her. The omega’s scent was sweet
and comforting, warm and welcoming, it distracted her from the pain in her insides.
“Has it gotten worse since we left Polis?” Raven asked, but the Commander didn’t hear her, she
was distracted by the burning knife that was being twisted in her gut, she tried to breathe in deeply,
hoping that Raven’s scent would help, but the expanding of her chest only made the pain worse.
She grinded her jaw, trying to keep the pain to herself as she tried to stay as still as possible,
wishing for the rattling of the Rover to stop.
“Lexa?” Raven asked tentatively, waiting for an answer.
“Yes?” the Commander answered, feeling like she was breathing fire, the air felt so hot as it
traveled up her nose and down to her lungs, it was a horrible sensation.
“The pain, is it worse now?”
“Yes. I forced you… I deserve this-”
“No, you didn’t force me to do anything. We are going to get to Arkadia and Abby is going to rip
out that stupid useless organ straight out of you and you will be good as new in no time.”
“I do not wish to die in here… I wish to-to see the stars… Commanders die under the-the trees-”
“Hey, shhh,” Raven said, her face twisted in a concerned frown as she pressed her lips to the top of
the Commander’s head. Her arms curled up around the alpha’s body and held her gently. “Stop
that, you are not dying, you are just a little sick, no one needs their stupid appendix, we will just
remove it and that’s it. You had a sword between your ribs, this is nothing. You are going to be just
fine.”
“Hurting you was not my intention-” the Commander said, her eyes closing on their own accord,
she was so exhausted. “You were afraid I would hurt you again… have you-have you tortured-”
“That’s not true, I promise,” Raven whispered gently, “I will explain everything when you are
better, but please, believe me when I tell you that you didn’t force me to do anything.”
And then, finally, Raven saw something other than trees, she saw bright lights and the paleness of
grey metal.
“Octavia! tell Abby to wait for us outside,” Raven said, trying not to move as to not injure the
Commander further. “We are here,” she said, her lips brushing Lexa’s burning forehead. “You are
going to be just fine; I promise.”
When they went past the gates Abby was already waiting for them with a stretcher and with
Jackson standing by her side. It was way past midnight and the sun would come up soon, because
of that, no one was there to see the excruciatingly painful process of getting the Commander out of
the Rover. Raven could only do her best to support her, to keep her steady as she was transferred
from the vehicle to the stretcher. When the alpha finally fell back onto the sturdy surface, her face
was illuminated by light, it was completely white, as pale as the light of the crescent moon that
hung above their heads. Her sunken eye sockets were craters on its surface, dark against the rest of
her face.
They raced towards the medbay and before Raven could protest the Commander was taken out of
her sight, Abby needed to get some tests done, they needed to be sure about what was wrong to be
able to treat it properly.
Raven tried to follow but she was stopped by a hand on her shoulder.
“You can’t come, you did your part now let me do mine, I need to make sure it is actually
appendicitis, if it is, I will take her to surgery right away. The surgery would take about an hour,
it’s a quick procedure. You must be really tired, go to bed and come see her in the morning.”
“No, go do your thing, I will wait here for an update,” Raven said, her tone leaving no room for
Abby to argue with her. The Doctor nodded and walked away.
“Hey, you okay?” Octavia said as she came to stand beside the Mechanic, placing a hesitant hand
on her arm. Raven’s jaw was clenched tight, her hands curled into fists, her whole body vibrating
with pent up emotion.
“Yeah, fine. Thanks for coming with me.”
“No need, I know you won’t be going to bed, but at least go and try to get some rest in one of these
beds, okay?” Octavia said, tilting her head towards one of the many medbay beds. “Try not to
worry, she is strong, I am sure she will make it. Would be kind of stupid for her to go like this.”
“Yeah,” Raven said, her mouth tilting up at the corners for just a second. “She’s too badass to go
like this. She just won a duel to the death with a man way bigger than her, she can’t die because of
her stupid appendix.”
“I’m sure she won’t. Drink some water, lay down for a bit, I will take Lana to one of the rooms
near here. That girl probably hasn’t slept since the Commander fell ill.”
“Okay, I will, thanks.”
“It’s fine,” Octavia said, escorting the young handmaiden out of the room.
Raven settled on the nearest bed, letting out a long sigh, she could feel the exhaustion weighing
down on her bones, but she still felt wide awake, she wouldn’t be able to rest until she knew
exactly what was going on.
For a brief moment she allowed herself to relax, the Commander was in Arkadia, Abby was taking
care of her and she would get the treatment she needed, but then an hour came and went and no one
came to tell her anything, with each second that passed after the one hour mark Raven’s stress
levels only got higher and higher, leaving her pacing all over the medbay with a current of pain
shooting down her lower back and towards her bad leg.
She was about to barge into the OR when Abby suddenly walked out. Her face was severe and
blank, completely void of emotion, Raven couldn’t tell what was going on from the look in her
eyes.
“That was more than one hour,” Raven said at once and Abby sighed.
“We should sit down,” the Doctor said, and the omega’s eyes instantly widened.
“She died…” Raven whispered, feeling all the blood drain from her face.
“No, she is not dead, Raven. Your limp was just more pronounced, let’s sit down and I will tell you
everything,” Abby said, guiding Raven towards one of the beds and sitting down next to her.
“You took out her appendix?”
“I did,” Abby said, looking up into the omega’s eyes, “it had ruptured already, Raven,” Abby said
gently, keeping a hand steady on Raven’s back.
“What? But you said that wouldn’t happen, it hasn’t been 72 hours,” Raven said, looking angrily
back at Abby.
“We don’t know that.”
“Lana said-”
“Lana told us when the Commander started acting differently, but we both know that she is trained
to not show any pain, any weakness, the symptoms could have started earlier and no one would
have known. Let’s say you are right, let’s say that she got sick exactly when Lana told us, it
doesn’t matter Raven, it could have ruptured after 36 hours, or 48… What matters is that from
what I saw when I opened her up and from her state it is safe to say that her appendix ruptured
quite some time ago.”
“Okay,” Raven said slowly, trying not to panic, she wasn’t dead, Abby had just said she wasn’t
dead. “You took out her appendix so she should be fine in a few days, right?”
“Raven,” Abby said, her voice softer still, “I can’t tell you she will get better.”
“What do you mean?” Raven said, the edge in her voice making her words sharp like a knife.
“She didn’t get the treatment she needed, with every hour that went by without administering
antibiotics…” Abby trailed off, trying to find different words, trying to make the whole situation
seem less harsh. “We will do everything we can to help her, and you can be sure she won’t be in
any pain.”
“No, do not fucking bullshit me, explain to me what’s going on,” Raven said, shrugging Abby’s
hand off of her.
“Her appendix ruptured, all the bacteria inside of it oozed out of it and filled her abdominal cavity,
because of the lack of treatment to control the infection the layer that surrounds her abdomen and
all of its organs got badly inflamed. The abdominal infection has led to early signs of sepsis. We
are being as aggressive as we can be with the antibiotics, we have her on very strong painkillers
and we are giving her supplemental oxygen.”
“Sepsis,” Raven said, feeling dreadfully cold inside and remembering the word from when Abby
had mentioned it before, “you said it could kill her.”
“It can and it might,” Abby said, letting out a long sigh, “we are doing everything we can to keep
the infection under control, there’s no sign of organ failure yet and her blood pressure is not
looking too bad, but at this point anything could happen.”
“So, she could get better,” Raven said, looking back at Abby pointedly.
“Yes, she could. I just want you to be ready in case things go south.”
“They won’t, she is strong, she will make it. Can I go see her?” Raven asked, already moving
towards where she knew the private rooms were located.
“She is heavily sedated.”
“It’s fine, I will wait.”
“Go to bed, she won’t be up anytime soon, you need rest,” Abby insisted, refusing to let Raven go
and see the Commander. “I knew you had developed some kind of relationship with her because of
the letters, but I didn’t know you cared this much,” Abby said, she didn’t sound judgmental or
upset, merely surprised.
“Just have someone get me when she starts waking up, okay?” Raven said, backing off as soon as
the subject of caring was brought up to her attention.
“I will,” Abby said. “Try not to worry, I will do my best.”
“I know,” Raven said, glancing at the doors that separated her from the Commander one more time
before leaving.
………………….
Raven walked back to her room slowly, getting rid of her clothes as the door was closed behind
her. The stench of the Commander’s pain was latched onto each and every thread, drowning Raven
in the smell until she was finally completely bare.
She put on a loose shirt and reached for the jacket she had just discarded, it was her favorite jacket,
the one the Commander had sent to her all those months ago. Seeing it thrown on the floor didn’t
sit well with her and because of that she picked it up and moved to hang it carefully inside her
closet. The movement made a rustling sound come from the jacket, Raven frowned in confusion
and reached inside, feeling the thick parchment that the Commander used to write the letters.
Raven’s eyes widened slightly, remembering the small stack of letters Lana had given her, the ones
the Commander should have sent over the past two weeks. Raven held them in her hands carefully,
brushing her thumb over her name, written elegantly over the front of the envelope in the
Commander’s pretty handwriting. She opened the first one and braced herself, unsure of what the
Commander wrote to her after what Clarke had told her.
Raven,
I apologize, truly, wholly. I know my words carry no worth after everything I have done to you, and
still, I find myself needing to express my sincere regret. I know my words won’t erase the damage
that has been done and I know the last thing you would want is to hear from me again, which is
why this letter serves no real purpose, but to try and fail at quelling my guilt. I wish I had known
sooner; I would have shown you that I do value what you want and need, and that I never intended
to hurt you. I thought that I had been clear, that you knew you could say no when I asked you if you
wanted to continue our correspondence, that you could say no to being intimate with me, even at
the last possible second. I know you can’t believe me, but I would have respected it, I promise I
would have.
Clarke explained to me that you were too afraid to say no, that you feared I would have you tied to
a tree and tortured again. I am truly sorry, living in fear for so long must have been awful for you.
I am glad Clarke spoke with me, now I know how you really feel and I shall not hurt you again.
I hope you can be happy and free of fear, I will not approach you again, you don’t have to be afraid
anymore.
…………………………..
Raven,
There are laws against people like me. I can’t send this letter, I promised myself I would not
contact you, but I do hope someone lets you know. You can come to Polis, speak your truth for
everyone to hear and I will be punished. The punishment for those who violate and abuse of others
the way I have abused of you is not light. They would strip me bare in front of all my people, they
would cut off my braids as a way to show the loss of my position and status, they would tie me to a
tree, and then they would proceed to remove my genitals. I believe you could request to do this
yourself if you wish to. After that the usual ritual of death by a thousand cuts would begin and
when that is over, they would proceed with beheading. I believe you could request to do this
yourself as well.
I know your people find our laws barbaric and harsh, but I consider a crime like this deserves a
barbaric punishment. You must not be afraid, my title and my position don’t matter, the law would
protect you. I wouldn’t get away with it for being the Commander and no one would try to harm
you. I could and I would surrender myself, but I am afraid that without your testimony doing
something like that would be pointless. Speak up, I promise you will be heard.
I can’t help but wonder how you are doing, I imagine you must be better now, happier, because I
have not continued to bother you. I wish I could tell you it is permanent, I wish I could show you I
will not hurt you again, but I feel like that would be pointless. I wish you didn’t have to wonder if I
would someday just appear in your life again, I promise I won’t, you will see that with time.
I hope you are doing better.
…………………………...
Raven,
I feel disgusting. I am not sure that is a true feeling, but I have no other word to express how I feel
when I look at myself in the mirror every day. It is something that doesn’t go away, that stays with
me every second of every day. It is a constant thought that echoes in the back of my head and that
haunts me when I close my eyes. Clarke’s words turn and turn in my head, and thinking about
them makes me feel exactly the same way I felt the first time I heard them.
I remember the clenching in my stomach, the sudden bile that rushed up my throat, the bitterness
that flooded my mouth just as I became ill, as I spilt the food your people had so kindly prepared
for us the night before all over the floor. I know this must not matter to you, that I don’t matter to
you, but I would want you to know, that I feel as disgusted of myself as you probably felt each time I
touched you.
What makes it all worse is that I enjoyed myself, I enjoyed being with you, talking to you, writing to
you. And yes, I enjoyed being inside of you. I don’t know what to do with myself, I truly thought you
were enjoying yourself; I was so foolish, I am sorry.
I don’t know what to do with myself now that I know what I was doing to you, I feel like a stranger
in my own skin, it itches and hurts and prickles on my nerves. I think about how your skin felt
under mine, how much I enjoyed touching it, how soft and warm it was, and I want nothing but to
rip off my skin, cut off my own hands. After everything I have done to you, to your people, how
could I ever think that you would be okay with sharing yourself with me? I don’t think I have ever
felt so foolish, so misguided by my own perception of things.
This feeling doesn’t get better, it gets worse every day and if you never speak of what I have done
to you, if you never seek for my punishment, you must know that my mind is doing every possible
thing it can to shatter me. I know it’s not much, but maybe knowing this would ease the pain I have
caused you.
…………………..
Raven,
I don’t feel well. The anguish I felt inside seems to be taking over my body in a physical way, the
healers don’t seem hopeful, they believe in a few days I will be gone. I hope the news of my passing
bring you some relief. I hope that being through what I have put you through someday fades from
your memory, I know it might not happen, and that I shall remain as a dark stain in your life
forever, but I will allow myself to hope that one day I will not exist in your mind.
My death will be slow and painful, I shall receive no pain relievers, or medications, there is no
cure. I will remain in my room until my death and I promise I will be thinking about you. I wanted
to have a warrior’s death, I wanted to die in battle, fighting for my people. I hoped to die with my
pride and my honor, but after what I did to you this seems more fitting.
When my fight ends you will be able to feel truly safe. I long for that moment.
I know apologies are meaningless, but still, I can’t stop myself from saying it again.
I am sorry, Raven.
…………………..
When she finished reading the letters her hands were shaking, her jaw was clenched tight as she did
her best to contain the feelings that were building in her chest. She could feel her lungs, struggling
to expand as she breathed harshly through her nose, her eyes aching and sore, letting out tears that
rolled down her cheeks and that fell from her chin, dripping on the Commander’s letters, making
the black of the charcoal run and turn the letters into meaningless shapes.
In moments she was on her feet, fists clenched tight as she moved towards the door. She would
have a word with Clarke, and it wouldn’t be pleasant.
When she walked outside, she almost crashed against Octavia, who had been standing there with a
tray in her hands. She had been about to kick the door as a way of knocking when Raven had
suddenly opened.
“Wow, wow, what’s going on, Rae?” Octavia said, almost dropping the food when the other
omega knocked on her shoulder on her way out. Octavia rushed to place the tray on the floor and
turned to follow after the Mechanic, grabbing her by the arm to stop her from moving farther away.
“Not now, Octavia. I’m going to make Clarke swallow her own fucking tongue,” she said through
gritted teeth, shaking Octavia’s hand off of her as she continued walking.
“Hey, wait! stop!” Octavia said as she grabbed Raven’s wrist, stopping her once more. “I doubt
Clarke made her appendix rupture.”
“She didn’t make her appendix rupture, but she sure as hell made her think she had been raping me
all along,” Raven snapped, her voice loud and cold as ice as she looked back at Octavia.
“What?”
“She thinks that the letters… that I was having sex with her because I was afraid she would have
me killed or tortured if I didn’t!” Raven said, breathing hard. She was sure she was painting a
really picturesque image, standing in the middle of a hallway in only her underwear, cheeks red and
soaked in tears, chest heaving out of anger.
“Rae, I don’t want to anger you further and I am really trying not to be a total bitch, but you did say
something along those lines. When we spoke about the letters, when I asked you why you kept
doing it you said it was because you didn’t want to be tied to a tree again.”
Raven swallowed hard, knowing she couldn’t deny that, the conversation she had had with Abby
where she had told her the exact same was vivid in her mind, the Doctor had called her on her
bullshit that day, but she still had said those things.
“I have never said, or implied that I felt forced or manipulated into sleeping with her. I have always
expressed how much I like it and how much I have enjoyed myself. I might have been trying to
fool myself into thinking that I don’t care and that I don’t like the conversations we have through
the letters, but I have never, never, said anything about feeling forced to have sex with her,” Raven
said, strong and resolute, her eyes locked on Octavia’s.
“I am not trying to justify what Clarke did, I heard what she said and it was bad, I am just trying to
help you realize that you do care, that you have been caring for a while and that going against it is
pretty much pointless,” Octavia said, keeping her gaze and her tone gentle.
“Now that we have established that, can I go make Clarke swallow her tongue already?” Raven
said, visibly annoyed and uncomfortable. She had told the Commander that she didn’t care about
her, she had said it right to her face, and now, if things went south the Commander wouldn’t only
die thinking nobody cared about her, but also thinking she had forced Raven into her bed.
“You can’t do that, it won’t make the Commander heal any quicker, and it won’t make you feel
any better. You will fix this misunderstanding, you just need to take a breath, maybe get some
pants and wait until the Commander wakes up.”
“She had no fucking right to get in between me and her. I know there is some shit going on
between them, but she shouldn’t have dragged me into it, she shouldn’t have used me to hurt the
Commander. I have nothing to do with her and her eternal grudge on the Commander,” Raven said,
fuming still, but feeling just slightly calmer.
“I know, what she did was wrong, and you already had a word with her about it, hurting her is not
going to make you feel better, so please, just get some pants, I can help you sneak into the medbay
if you want,” Octavia said, seeing that she had successfully distracted the Mechanic in the way her
eyes had suddenly widened.
“Really?”
“Yeah, Rae, just get some pants.”
“I am sure the Commander likes me better like this,” Raven said with a smile, trying to sooth
herself with a bit of humor. Octavia just looked back at her with a blank expression, pushing the
omega back to her room.
………………….
A few minutes later Raven was sitting on an uncomfortable chair by the Commander’s bedside.
There hadn’t been much sneaking in involved, it was more of Octavia and her ganging up on Abby
until the Doctor relented and let the omega stay the night inside the Commander’s private room.
Raven sat there, running her eyes up and down the Commander’s form. The gown, the blankets
that were drawn up to her collarbones, the tubes and cables that snuck from under them and
connected to different machines, the I.V line that was attached to the back of her wrist. Raven
could only see two differences from the last time the Commander had been there. Her nose and
mouth her being cupped by an oxygen mask instead of having the intubation tube shoved down her
throat, the plastic getting foggy each time the alpha let out a breath. And her skin was on fire, still
feverish, still burning with the infection her body and the meds were trying to control, so different
from the last time, when she had lost so much blood her skin had been ice cold to the touch.
“Those letters were pretty awful to read, you know?” Raven whispered, placing her hand on the
mattress, inches away from the Commander’s own hand. She knew she wanted to take it, she knew
she wanted to offer the alpha the comfort no one had given her in years, and at the same time, she
didn’t want to feel that way at all, everything was much easier when she could honestly say she
didn’t care.
“I don’t think you had ever expressed your feelings as much as you did on those letters, I wish you
hadn’t felt that way, really. All of it was for nothing, because I never felt forced to be with you, you
asked me what I wanted each time, and I said yes. I don’t understand why it was so easy for you to
believe her, I really don’t,” Raven said, letting the tips of her fingers brush the Commander’s own.
She couldn’t bring herself to hold her hand, not yet.
Raven watched the Commander sleep, her complexion sallow, the contour of her eyes sunken and
dark, her mouth and her nose hidden by the oxygen mask, and still, Raven could see the faint signs
of weight loss, the hollowness of her cheeks and the usually sharp edge of her jaw, sharper still.
“Just get better, okay?” Raven said out loud, no one but the Commander’s sleeping form to witness
her words. “Just… get better,” she whispered, voice quiet and sad as she let her thumb brush
against the Commander’s own.
……………………
During the days that followed things didn’t seem to get better, Raven stood by the Commander’s
bedside, leaning over her body as she ran a soft cloth over her face gently, wiping away the drops
of sweat that rolled down her burning skin. In her conscious moments the Commander would reach
up to pull the oxygen mask off of her face and tell Raven that she didn’t need to do any of that, that
she didn’t need to help taking care of her. Raven would only reach for the mask and place it back
over the alpha’s nose and mouth, telling her to rest and calm down.
Raven knew that the Commander would continue apologizing about supposedly abusing her if the
omega gave her the chance to, so she tried to keep her from talking much and to keep her down and
resting.
“None of what she said is true,” Raven would say each time the Commander was awake and aware
of her surroundings. She would always receive a confused expression in return, she knew the
Commander was in no state to have any kind of complicated conversations, but she was sure to
reassure the alpha, trying to convince her of what she was saying just so the alpha would have
some peace of mind. “We will talk when you are better, now just try to rest and heal.” She would
say, looking into the Commander’s cloudy green eyes as she brushed the soft cloth down her neck.
When the oxygen mask and the sedatives were taken off and the Commander spent more time
conscious, Raven sat next to her, her hands rubbing against her thighs as she worked out what she
wanted to say.
“Raven, I-” the Commander started to say, but was soon cut off by the omega.
“No, stop. I need you to listen to me, okay? I need you to listen and to listen carefully, and I need
you to believe me, is that clear?” Raven asked, her brown eyes locked on clear green, much clearer
than they had been in the last couple of days.
“Yes, I understand.”
“Okay, look, I never, ever, felt forced to sleep with you, to have sex with you, or to send you
letters. I did all of it because I wanted to and I enjoyed it. You did not manipulate me, you did not
use your power to take advantage of me, and you sure as hell were not abusive,” Raven said,
watching as the Commander’s frown deepened with each word that left her lips.
“Clarke said-”
“Clarke should have never spoken for me, she has no fucking idea what I feel, and she shouldn’t
have done what she did,” Raven said, tightening her hands into fists. “I don’t understand why you
believed everything she said, didn’t you see how much I enjoyed being with you? I basically threw
myself at you, several times, and somehow you still believed her when she said I was afraid.”
“I didn’t know what to think, but believing her was easy because she wasn’t lying, not completely
at least,” the Commander said and Raven frowned in confusion, not quite following.
“What do you mean?”
“I did have you tortured and I did murder your lover, you being afraid… it just… it would make
sense,” the Commander said, her whole face contorted in something that strangely looked like
sorrow, lips downturned and eyes heavy with exhaustion. “You thinking that I am your Nia, or that
I will use you and betray you… You being scared of my power, and of what I would do if you
didn’t give me what I wanted. I believe those to be valid feelings and concerns, they are logical,
they make sense.”
“You didn’t wake up one day and decided that you would have me tortured, evidence was planted
against me, you really thought I was trying to kill you and the law called for punishment. You
killed the man that put me in that position, a man I know you cared for. And you didn’t just murder
Finn, he killed 18 people and he had to answer for his crimes, his absence will always hurt, but we
just couldn’t come down here, massacre a village and expect no retaliation. If we had been in
space he would have been executed as well, people were executed for a lot less than that up there.
There is no point of comparison between what you did and what Queen Nia did, you were
enforcing the law, as barbaric and harsh as it is, she was just being cruel, she was purposely trying
to hurt you, to break you… I know those weren’t your intentions towards me, your purpose and
your intent was never to hurt me, and I know that.” Raven said, watching a shimmer slowly cover
the Commander’s green eyes.
“You are sure you never felt-”
“No,” Raven said at once, keeping the Commander from going back to those bad thoughts. “I
never felt forced or afraid, I promise.”
“That’s-that’s good,” the Commander said, stumbling slightly over her words as she fell back
against the pillows, melting into them as all the stress that kept the muscles in her shoulders and
neck tensed and corded tight seemed to release. “Thinking that I had done those things to you had...
affected me… negatively.” the alpha said, her wording seeming slightly odd to Raven’s ears. She
wasn’t sure of how to express herself; it was easier when she wrote the letters, with more time to
think she could try and find the proper words to describe what was going on inside her mind.
“I know, I’m really sorry about that,” Raven said, her throat tightening slightly as she thought
about the letters, she didn’t know if Lexa knew she had them.
“Don’t be, it is on me. I should have spoken to you instead of assuming Clarke’s words were a true
reflection of your feelings,” the Commander said, letting out a deep sigh as she looked back at
Raven.
“I think it says a lot about you,” Raven said quietly, knowing that maybe there wasn’t enough trust
between them for her to start pushing the buttons she was about to push.
“You have asked my consent for everything we have done, you asked me if I wanted to keep
receiving letters from you, and you asked me if I was sure I wanted to have sex with you, each time
I say yes, and even after all of that you immediately believed Clarke when she basically said you
had raped me,” Raven said, internally wincing, a rape was a very serious and delicate thing, it was
also something the Commander couldn’t deal with. Raven had seen it in the letters, she had felt
disgusted with herself, she had wanted to be punished for her actions, she would have faced
execution without saying a word to stop it from happening.
“She said it was just an act, that you only pretended to be okay with it because you were afraid of
what I would do if you denied. I am an alpha, I am the Commander and I have unfairly hurt you
before… None of what Clarke said seemed like an impossibility.”
“But you believe me when I say I didn’t feel like that at all, right?” Raven checked once more,
feeling her stomach churn when the Commander didn’t answer right away. Raven could see it right
there, in the way her green eyes moved all over her face, trying to find a trace of dishonesty, trying
to find something that proved Clarke right. She had been torturing herself for over two weeks,
thinking that she had forced Raven into doing things she hadn’t wanted to do. Raven knew it had
hurt her, it had broken her in some way, and that wouldn’t go away so fast.
“Be my friend!” Raven blurted out suddenly, rubbing her hands against her thighs more forcefully
in nervousness. The Commander's face contorted into a confused frown, her brows pinching in the
middle as her eyes slightly widened.
“What?”
“Yes, you know, friends,” Raven said, feeling slightly unsure of herself when the Commander
didn’t immediately agree. “We talk constantly, I know you a bit and you know me a bit, I have
helped you through your nightmares, you have helped me through mine. I know your favorite
pastries and you know my favorite juice; we are basically friends already.”
“We can’t be friends,” the Commander said at once, and Raven frowned, unable to hide a flinch at
the words, that had surely hurt a bit.
“Why?”
“Friends care for each other, and even though I do care about you, I know you don’t care about
me, which I understand,” The Commander said gently, the words rolling of her tongue easily,
without a hint of contempt. Raven had told her she didn’t care and she did not feel hurt about it, she
truly understood, again, it just made sense.
Raven felt two very contradicting emotions all at once. As soon as the Commander said she cared
about her warmth seemed to flood her chest, and as soon as the Commander reminded her about
how cruel she had been, she felt like she would throw up, saying something like that had been
awful and unnecessary.
“That isn’t so true,” Raven said slowly, watching the Commander’s green eyes widen, brightening
in ways Raven had never seen before. “I do care about you… Just a little bit!” Raven said, lifting
her hand so the Commander could see how she placed her thumb and forefinger close together,
leaving only an inch between them.
“That’s- that’s…” The Commander struggled with her words, stumbling around them and not
knowing what to say. She didn’t really need to say anything, Raven could see emotions playing all
over her face, shock, surprise, confusion, disbelief. The Commander was having a hard time
comprehending what Raven had just said, and even though the confusion in her face looked sweet
and endearing, seeing how hard it was for her to accept what the omega had just said was making
Raven feel more than a little sad.
“Thank you,” the Commander said at last, her hollow cheeks gaining some color for the first time
in days.
“Thank you?” Raven parroted back, the response was so awkward and odd, she didn’t know how
to take it.
“Yes,” the Commander said, pausing for a second, trying to find the words to explain herself. “You
care for me… a little bit, I’m very appreciative of that. Thank you,” She said again, and the heat in
her cheeks seemed to crawl over to her ears, tinting them in a fading pink.
“Oh,” Raven said, she felt so soft inside, like all the worry and all the stress she had been feeling
the last couple of days had suddenly vanished. It had been replaced by this new feeling. She was
sitting on the most uncomfortable chair ever, and still, she felt like she was sitting on a cloud.
In the back of her mind there were signs of sadness, too. The Commander was thankful she cared
for her a little bit, no one really cared, so the fact that Raven cared the smallest bit seemed amazing
to her. It was tragic, and Raven didn’t know what to do with it, she wished she had just said it like
it was, that she had just told the Commander she cared for her instead of watering it down by
saying she cared just a little bit.
“It’s wonderful, thank you,” The Commander said, the corner of her lips lifting just slightly, her
eyelids falling heavily with every blink and then fighting to open.
“You seem a little tired, why don’t you get some sleep?” Raven said, trying to get herself out of the
emotionally charged conversation. The Commander looked really tired, and slightly sweaty, her
breathing had gotten a little fast, too, and the tense tightening of her jaw contrasted harshly with the
gentle look in her eyes. Something was wrong, and she wasn’t saying it. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I am well,” the Commander responded, and Raven was instantly transported to the back of
the rover, the Commander had said the same thing then, when she had been in unbearable pain.
“The meds are wearing off, aren’t they?” Raven asked, and the Commander's face was suddenly
blank. “You are in pain.”
“I am well, Raven,” She repeated, and the omega rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, sure,” She said before she tried to locate Abby with her radio. A few minutes later the
Doctor was moving inside the Commander’s room.
“Hey, I think she needs another dose of pain meds or something,” Raven said, and Abby nodded,
moving closer to check the Commander herself. Sweat, elevated heart rate, tense muscles, all signs
of pain.
“I told her she could push this button whenever she needed it,” Abby said, pointing to a blue button
that was connected to a machine placed right beside the Commander’s bed.
“Oh, really?” Raven said, turning to look at the Commander with arched eyebrows.
“I don’t need it, I am well,” the Commander said as she met Raven’s eyes.
“Sure, you don’t,” the Mechanic said, deliberately pushing the button. “Oops! My bad! I’m truly
sorry, my hand slipped,” The omega said when the Commander send her a glare.
“There’s no reason for you to be uncomfortable, your body is trying to fight a very serious
infection, you need rest, so if you need the meds, take them,” Abby said, as she moved closer and
checked the Commander’s temperature, she was doing better, the infection wasn’t gone, but Abby
didn’t believe she was in danger anymore.
“Has Titus reached you?” The Commander asked and Raven stiffened, turning to look at Abby.
“He did, he reached me through Marcus’ radio before you even made it here, as soon as he noticed
you were gone, I suppose. He wasn’t pleased,” Abby said, with something that resembled a sneer
covering her face.
“Why didn’t he come?” The Commander asked, Titus was always there, especially when her life
was in danger, it made no sense for him not to have gone to Arkadia.
“I assured him that your condition could be easily cured with a small procedure, and that you were
in no danger whatsoever, I also kindly told him that he had been thoughtless and negligent when he
didn’t have us notified right away, the infection wouldn’t have gotten as bad as it did if you had
gotten immediate assistance,” Abby said, her tone serious and annoyed, the Commander would
probably be on her feet by now if they had gotten to take out her appendix before it had ruptured.
“I thought you weren’t sure if I would survive,” the Commander said with a small frown between
her brows, noticing the inconsistency between what Abby had told Titus and what she had told her.
“I wasn’t, I lied to him,” Abby said, looking back at the Commander like what she had just said
didn’t mean anything. “You were presenting early signs of sepsis, which was very concerning, but
thankfully none of your organs had started failing yet and you responded well to the antibiotics.
Things could have ended up very differently and the last thing I needed was to have Titus here,
breathing down my neck and speaking as if he knows more about the medical field than I do. He
would have also started ranting about the fact that you are the Commander and that you must
remain strong, which means that you shouldn’t have pain meds, which is just senseless and stupid,
so I preferred to keep him away,” The doctor finished and Raven smiled brightly.
“This information must not leave this room, lying to him could be seen as treason, you would be in
danger.” The Commander said, looking concerned.
“Nobody else knows I spoke to him, only Marcus and us, I don’t plan on telling anyone else.
Please continue to rest and reach out if you need anything,” Abby said, giving the Commander a
small nod before leaving the room.
“Don’t worry, I am sure Abby can handle herself,” Raven said, trying to get rid of the
Commander’s concerned expression.
“Titus will be here if I don’t return to the Capital soon.”
“You can’t go back, not yet, you are better and we are going to get you on your feet soon, but with
something as serious as what happened to you it’s best for you to stay, get proper care and good
medications. Abby says that even when you are good to leave you still will need to take antibiotics
for a few weeks after, and your body won’t feel the same, you will probably be very exhausted. We
can’t allow you to go back, we know you will push it and that wouldn’t be good,” Raven said,
looking slightly worried even though the Commander was no longer in grave danger.
“None of that will make a difference to him,” the Commander said, “it’s dangerous for the throne
to remain empty for long, my presence in the Capital is necessary.”
“And you will go back in a few weeks, I would expect him to be competent enough to hold the fort
while you recover. You can’t go back, not like this, if he gets difficult, we will handle it. Right
now, you just need to rest, I know you are tired, try to sleep, yes?”
“I’ll try, if you go outside and get some fresh air, you have been here too long,” the Commander
said, glancing at the grey room with a tiny frown.
“Are you kicking me out?” Raven asked teasingly, both eyebrows arching with amusement when
the Commander’s eyes widened.
“No, no, I would never-I think it’s unfair for you to be here for so long, you should rest properly as
well, get some air and proper sunlight.”
“Look, I am choosing to be here, so it is not really unfair. Let’s make a deal, I will go get some air
if you promise me you will try to sleep and stop worrying about Polis and Titus,” Raven said,
offering the Commander her hand.
“Okay,” the Commander said, watching the omega’s hand for a moment and feeling unsure about
taking it.
“You going to leave me here with my arm in the air?” Raven asked with a small frown, wondering
if after everything she had said the Commander was still unsure of touching her and generally of
how to approach her.
The Commander looked up, trying to find something in Raven’s face that would signal that the
omega didn’t really want to be touched. She couldn’t find anything, and so she grasped the
omega’s forearm in typical grounder fashion.
“Great, now close your eyes, I won’t leave until you do,” Raven said, squeezing the Commander’s
arm gently in her own for one more second before letting it go.
Raven had a foot out the door when the Commander called her name.
“Raven?” the Commander said, her tone quiet, like she wasn’t sure if she wanted Raven to hear her
or not. Her eyes were still closed, like Raven had asked her to.
“Yeah?” Raven asked, turning around to watch the alpha. She was lying on the bed, her eyes closed
and her cheeks tinted pink.
“You are my friend now, yes?” the Commander asked, feeling uncharacteristically unsure of
herself, she hadn’t had friends in a long time, since before her Conclave, and back then the other
Nightbloods had been her brothers and sisters more than her friends.
“Yes, I am your friend,” Raven said, her voice gentle but sure.
The Commander heard her steps getting closer and closer, until the radiating heat of the omega’s
body was so close, she could feel it right there, by her bedside. She still didn’t open her eyes;
Raven had asked her to close them.
“That’s- I’m- Thank you,” the Commander said, internally scolding herself because of how
ridiculous she was being. She felt like a goufa, she could handle wars, she could do politics, she
could command thousands, but could she be a good friend? She didn’t think so. It had been quite
some time since she had last felt so unsure and so out of control, she didn’t know what to do.
“Being a friend is not clear to me, I do not know what to do.”
Raven looked down at her, at the Commander of the 13 Clans, a pretty flush spreading up her neck
and towards her ears, stumbling over her words and admitting she didn’t have all the answers, all
because she had a new friend, someone that cared for her, and that was something so foreign that
she didn’t know what to do with it.
The familiar mix of fondness and sadness that Raven so often felt by being close to the
Commander quickly flooded her chest, making her eyes sting and her throat clench. Raven felt the
overwhelming need to lean down and hold her, but she couldn’t, there was something right there in
the back of her head, something that resembled doubt, that looked like fear, it stopped her and kept
her rooted to her spot, not moving an inch.
“You don’t have to thank me,” Raven said slowly, willing her voice not to crack, the last thing she
needed was for the Commander to think that she was upset. “And don’t worry, we will figure out
as we go, you and I.”
“Together?” the Commander asked, her eyes still closed, her fingers rubbing at the sheets as she
tried to control her nervousness.
“Yes, together,” Raven whispered, her control slipping just enough for her to lean down and press
a soft kiss to the Commander’s flushed cheek. “Now, sleep,” Raven said, turning her back on the
Commander and walking towards the door.
And again, just before she left, she heard the Commander calling her name.
“Raven?” the Commander said, and her tone on its own made the omega frown in concern. Her
voice was weak, hesitant, threatening to break at any given moment. There was also something
else, a scent steadily flooding the air. Realizing it was the Commander’s scent made the omega
freeze in shock, the Commander had her emotions under such a tight grip that Raven could hardly
ever detect anything from her scent alone, but in that moment, she could name what the
Commander was feeling, it was clear as a day, and it was something Raven never wanted the other
alpha to feel, not with her. Fear.
“What is it?” Raven asked, moving to the Commander’s bedside as fast as she could once she got
over the shock. The alpha still had her eyes closed, like Raven had asked her to.
The Commander’s response took a moment to come, and Raven had to watch her get progressively
more stressed. Beads of sweat started rolling down her temples, a crease developed between her
brows, her throat bobbed with a few hard swallows and her jaw worked from side to side. She was
afraid of even asking what she needed to ask, no, Raven thought, she was afraid of the response she
would get.
“It’s fine,” she tried to reassure, “You can tell me.”
Another beat of silence, and then…
“Do you think I am your Queen Nia?” The Commander asked, her eyes clenched shut, she knew
she would be able to see Raven’s answer in her expression, but if she kept her eyes closed maybe
she wouldn’t notice if the omega lied to her. She was a coward for deciding not to look, she was a
coward for being so afraid, but she was scared and after spending the last two weeks thinking the
worst possible things about herself, she could not take anything else.
“No!” Raven said, fast, hard, loud. Anger rushing up her head so fast it made the back of her eyes
hurt. She tried to take a breath, to calm herself, and then she uncurled her hands, trying to soften her
motions as she cupped the Commander’s cheeks. “I need you to open your eyes, I need you to look
at me.”
Nothing happened for a few long seconds, and Raven could only watch as the Commander’s heart
rate accelerated on the screen.
“Lexa, please,” Raven said, flooding the room with her own pheromones to try and calm the alpha.
The sound of her name startled the alpha, making her eyes open without her consent. Green eyes
met brown, and Lexa could not look away.
“I’m going to tell you something and I need you to look at me so you can see that I’m honest,
okay?” Raven said, running her thumbs gently over the Commander’s prominent cheekbones.
The alpha nodded, looking up at Raven, barely breathing.
“I fucking love having sex with you,” Raven said bluntly, feeling the Commander’s cheeks get
warmer under her hands, “I wait anxiously for your letters, I enjoy having them to look forward to,
and I enjoy hearing about you and your life at the Capital, I think you are interesting and I like
getting to know you. And listen to me, I need you to look at me and don’t forget what I am about to
say,” Raven said, looking the Commander dead in the eye, putting a bit of pressure on her cheeks
to ground her, giving her no option but to focus on what she was about to say. “I do not, hear me
well, I do not see you as my Queen Nia, I never have and I never will. Making you think that was
cruel, it was the lowest possible blow, and I do not believe any of it. I would have never asked you
to be my friend if I thought you to be like that woman. You are not my Queen Nia, you are Lexa,
my friend, clear?”
“Yes, clear,” the Commander said, swallowing hard as she allowed herself to melt against her
pillows. She felt like a massive weight had just been lifted from her chest.
“Don’t even try to get me to leave now, I am not a plant, I can’t survive without proper sunlight for
a little while.”
“But, Raven-”
“Nope,” Raven said, leaning back on her chair and lifting her legs to the edge of the Commander’s
bed. “I’ll consider taking a walk when you are asleep, so get on it.”
“Okay,” the Commander said, closing her eyes.
A few minutes of silence passed, enough for Raven to assume the Commander was asleep, but
then…
“Raven?”
“You are not sleeping.”
“I know, I will rest. I need to tell you something first.”
“Okay, what is it?” Raven asked, curiosity bubbling at the bottom of her gut.
“I enjoy getting to know you, too.”
Raven smiled wide and big, it was a shame the Commander didn’t see it, her eyes were still closed.
“That’s no surprise, I am awesome like that,” Raven said, a smug smirk spreading across her
mouth, an incessant fluttering getting stronger in her stomach.
“You are,” the Commander responded, not even giving it much of a thought.
Heat jumped up to Raven’s cheeks, she held them quickly, trying to soothe the heat with her hands.
She was only glad the Commander wouldn’t see how flustered she had gotten.
“Sleep, Heda,” She said as she fanned her cheeks.
“Okay,” the Commander said, willing her mind to finally rest.
………………..
“Raven wants to kill you, you know?” Octavia said as she leaned against the threshold of Clarke’s
room. The blonde was sitting at her desk, not doing much of anything, staring straight ahead
without moving.
“How is she doing?” Clarke whispered, not turning to look at the young warrior. Octavia moved
inside, letting the door close behind her.
“Things looked ugly for a moment there, she is not good, but she is no longer in danger,” Octavia
said, her eyes fixed on the omega’s back. Clarke didn’t respond, she just nodded to herself. “If you
care enough to ask, then why do what you did?”
The question made the blonde stiffen, her fists clenching tight as she turned around to look at
Octavia.
“I have more than one reason.”
“The Mountain was months ago, Clarke, and you know as well as everyone else that part of the
reason why she accepted us in the Coalition was to stop the Ice Nation from coming for you. Even
after that she has been getting heat in Polis for not taking the power of Wanheda for herself, that
added fuel to the fire, helped the Ice Queen form that coup, and she still just took it and fought that
duel. She betrayed us, but now she is backing us and that’s a support we can’t lose, it will be years
before we can make it through winter on our own and you know that well, and still, you insist on
making things harder,” Octavia said, letting out a sigh when she saw that Clarke would not
respond.
“Do you know what grounders do to rapists?” Octavia said then, her voice harsher, frustrated with
the blonde’s lack of response. “If any of the grounders had heard what you said, how she
supposedly forced Raven to sleep with her, how Raven was doing it out of fear, they would have
executed her just like that, and we would have been left without her support, so please, tell me why
you decided that it was a good idea to be so cruel, and don’t tell me it was the Mountain because
that will only make you sound stupid. I don’t like her, I don’t trust her, and I think Raven’s thing
with her is hardly a good idea, that does not give me the right to get in the middle of it.”
There was a bout of silence, heavy and extended, Octavia pushed through it, she would stay there
until she got a proper response.
“We had something before the Mountain,” Clarke said slowly, her voice laced with anger, “It was
there from the moment we met, the energy, the connection. In many ways she helped me handle
things, being a leader, she understood what it meant and what it did to me, and she tried to guide
me through it. I felt like I knew her, like she had allowed me to see parts of her no one else could
see, and then, when she kissed me, I thought I had a future to look forward to after the battle. I
thought I would have her, and then she just left me there.”
Octavia swallowed hard, she would have expected anything, absolutely anything except this.
“So yes, I’m telling you it is all about the Mountain, and it isn’t stupid, it is personal. She left our
people, and she left me.”
“What you did… it wasn’t vengeance, or revenge, it was jealousy,” Octavia said, feeling
understanding settle in her mind.
“It was vengeance, it was revenge and it was jealousy, I wanted her to feel the pain I felt when she
walked away. She abandons me and then she comes here, to our home, and fucks Raven…” Clarke
trailed off, her voice cracking. She swallowed hard, trying to push the waves of emotion as far as
she could. “What I had to do at Mountain shattered me, Octavia, it broke me, and I won’t ever be
the same again, and while I am here, trying to deal with that, trying to look at myself in the mirror
and not feel completely disgusted, she is just going around, having the time of her life fucking
Raven.”
“Clarke,” Octavia said gently, sitting down besides the blonde, “I’m going to be very honest with
you right now, okay? And if you need to hold that against me, it’s fine, I get it. There was bounty
on your head, the Ice Queen ordered it, assassins were sent for you, and that’s what pushed the
Commander to offer us a place in the Coalition. We had spent almost three months on our own, she
had made no move to do anything for us, we were not her people, but as soon as she heard about
the bounty she was suddenly here, do you think that was coincidence? I have heard Abby and
Marcus arguing, I have heard him saying how your continued defiance of the Commander’s orders
is a problem, the Ambassadors have requested your presence at the Capital more than once and you
have refused, they see that as a disrespect to the Coalition itself, and the Commander has been the
one taking the heat for it. Now it makes more sense, now I know she probably is very aware that
you don’t want to see her and why, but she is not pushing, she is probably trying to respect your
space and what you want…” Octavia said, taking a gulp of air before continuing.
“...there’s also the painting equipment you have been getting, we both know it must come from
her. I guess my point is that yes, she is a traitor, yes, she betrayed us, but she is trying her best to
keep us safe now, and she is doing her best to respect your wishes. You have showed no sign of
caring for any of that, so she probably assumed she has no chance with you, she must be pretty
certain of it after what you told her a few weeks ago, she probably thinks you hate her, or at least
that’s how it looked from where I was standing, so she probably thinks there’s no problem with
sharing her bed with Raven.”
“If she truly cared about me, she wouldn’t be doing that, much less with Raven,” Clarke said, her
eyes getting flooded by an overwhelming number of tears.
“You obviously care about her and you are doing the same with Niylah, what’s the difference?”
Octavia said, standing up when Clarke looked away.
“Look, Raven keeps telling herself she is only in it for the sex, but I saw how she was when she
thought the Commander would die, she is lying to everyone and she is lying to herself. She cares,
she cares deeply and if they keep getting close it wouldn’t surprise me if their little affair turned
into something else. I guess what I am saying is that you need to sort out your feelings before it is
too late, the Commander is now the longest reigning Commander, she is the Heda that has lived
the longest, she is living on borrowed time, she doesn’t have any time to lose, and even if she
would chose to wait for you, she probably doesn’t know that you are an option. She might feel
something for you still, I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have a change of heart,”
Octavia said, placing a supporting hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Try to figure it out, okay?”
“There’s nothing to figure out, if after everything she has done Raven still wants her then she can
keep her,” Clarke said, her words like poison in Octavia’s ears, the young warrior knew those
words were born out of hatred and resentment, she nodded and walked out of the room, hoping that
Clarke wouldn’t regret her decisions in the near future.
……………………..
“Hey, hey, shhhhh, it’s okay,” Raven whispered, her hands on the Commander’s shoulders, trying
to keep her from hurting herself. The alpha had woken herself up with a very violent movement,
probably after a nightmare, and Raven was doing what she could to calm her down. “It’s fine, it’s
fine, you are safe here,” Raven said gently, offering the alpha a small smile as she continued to rub
her shoulders gently, stopping when she noticed the Commander wouldn’t lurch out of bed. The
alpha moved a hand down and towards her lower right side, where Raven knew her surgical wound
was. “Does it hurt?”
“No, I’m well,” the Commander said, and Raven did her best to hold back an eye roll.
“Okay, now tell me the truth,” the omega said. The Commander turned to look at her and Raven
only stared back, arching her eyebrows expectantly.
“I think I pulled it,” the Commander said and Raven nodded, getting the blankets out of the way
and opening the Commander’s gown, she was no doctor, but she assumed everything was fine
when she saw that the dressings were not spotted with blood.
“It looks okay, let me know if it hurts a lot and I’ll get Abby, okay?” Raven said, and the
Commander nodded. The Omega decided to keep a close eye on her, she wasn’t sure the alpha
would actually admit she was in pain. “Do you want to tell me about your dream?” Raven asked,
reaching for a soft cloth and running it over the Commander’s forehead, wiping away the drops of
sweat that had been left by the Commander’s nightmare. She moved a little lower still, catching the
drops that rolled down the alpha’s neck, she was as gentle as she could be, almost caressing the
Commander with the cloth as she traced it over the edge of her jaw.
“You don’t need to do that,” the Commander said, her eyes filling with a mix of wonder and
confusion as she looked up at the omega.
“I know, but I want to,” Raven said, offering the alpha a smile, “I think I have something that will
help you sleep while you are here, I found it a while ago in the Mountain, I hadn’t gotten around to
fixing it, but I decided to get on it when I realized you would be stuck here for quite a bit.”
“You didn’t need to do that either, I know you already have a lot of work,” the Commander said,
her expression shy and hesitant, “You already did more than you should have by saving my life.”
“I wanted to do both of those things, so stop looking at me like that and take a look at this. I was
going to show it to you tomorrow, but now it seems pretty perfect,” Raven said, picking up the
object she had placed beside the bed earlier when she had arrived at the Commander’s room to find
her still asleep.
The Commander didn’t know what she was seeing, she couldn’t even name the shape of it, but it
didn’t seem too heavy, as Raven could hold it easily with both hands. The Commander was about
to ask what it was when Raven pushed a button on its base, and just like that light filled the room,
flooding it with stars, the gray ceiling and the pale walls were suddenly covered with
constellations. And Raven, her face, her smile, her eyes, they all lit up, shining bright as the
artificial light reflected on her gaze. The Commander felt her stomach flip and her jaw go slack.
Raven internally jumped in victory, she saw the Commander’s eyes smile first, the shadows around
them chased away by the light that had filled the room. Then, she saw the same shy joy pull at the
corners of her mouth, leaving behind the lopsided grin Raven had caught glimpses of a few times
before.
“It’s beautiful,” the Commander whispered, delightful and shocked, trying to move her eyes away
from Raven’s face and towards the stars in her ceiling.
“It is, isn’t it? I figured we could leave it on for you to sleep with until we can go walk outside,”
Raven said, a sudden, unpleasant memory filtered in her mind. The Commander had wanted to die
under the stars, that was the only thing she had asked for, to die under stars, they were the last thing
she had wanted to see. Raven did her best to push the memory to the back of her head and looked
back at the alpha. “What do you think?”
“I’d appreciate that, thank you, Raven,” the Commander said, the gratitude and the wonder written
all over her face making the omega’s chest fill with warmth.
“It’s fine,” the omega said, placing the star lamp on the small table beside the Commander’s bed,
“Would you like me to tell you a bit about the stars until you fall asleep?”
“You must be tired; I couldn’t ask you to do that.”
“I’m offering, and I am really awake, it’s fine,” Raven said, sitting on her uncomfortable chair and
putting her legs up on the edge of the Commander’s bed. She offered the alpha one last smile,
leaning back on her chair and looking up at the starred ceiling.
………………………….
The next morning Raven woke up with an aching neck, she lifted her head to glance at the
Commander, frowning to herself when she noticed that the alpha was only in her gown, her
blankets gone and leaving her uncovered against the chill of the medbay.
Raven incorporated herself, wondering where the blankets had gone when the scratchy fabric of the
Skaikru blankets suddenly fell over her lap. She held them in her hands, glancing up at the
Commander and back down at the blankets, realizing she had been covered by them. She knew
there was no way Abby or any other doctor or nurse would take the blankets from the actual
patient to give them to her, so that only left one other option… Raven felt her heart squeeze in her
chest, her mouth forming a smile before she could do anything about it.
The Mechanic got up and covered the alpha once more, looking at her like she had never seen her
before, she couldn’t understand how someone could be like that, so caring and so selfless, much
less after everything that she had been through.
“You were shaking,” the Commander whispered, her words slightly slurred with sleep, her eyes
still closed. Raven pulled the blankets up to her neck, making sure she was warm.
“I’m not the one sick and in pain, go back to sleep,” Raven whispered, the warmth in her chest
seemed to swim, to flood, to drip down to her stomach and roll there in a very fluttery sensation.
“You were cold,” the Commander mumbled, her green eyes opening just fraction, staring up and
into dark brown.
“Shhh, just go back to sleep,” Raven whispered, smoothing the blankets over the Commander’s
shoulders and then simply leaving her hands there, their weight and warmth soothing on the
Commander’s chest.
The Commander could only hum in response, her eyelids falling heavily, tinting her sight black,
leaving her mind to think freely, to get lost in the image of the gold flecks that danced in Raven’s
brown eyes.
Chapter End Notes
Thanks for reading!!

Let me know what you think in the Comments!!
Chapter 6
Chapter Notes
Hey!! So sorry about the wait, I've been really busy and tired lately, so I've been
slacking off with writing. For the people reading BMAHE, I'm so soooorrryyyy, I
know it's been like two months since the last update, and now I'm updating this first,
I'm really sorry, you know a lot of this is already written so that makes the updates
quicker, BMAHE needs more work, I guess.
Also, thank you for reading!!! The response for this story has been pretty amazing and
all your comments really make me happy, I read them and re read them to make
myself smile sometimes, so please keep letting me know what you think, I read them
all even if I have been too busy to answer lately. I will try to get to answering them
soon!!
I hope you enjoy the chapter and I hope to see you in the comments :)
NOTE: All the quotes used in this chapter do not belong to me, they are from the book
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, all the credit to him!!!
“What are you doing?” Raven said with a smile and an arched eyebrow as she moved inside the
Commander’s medbay room. The alpha was writing in a thick leather-bound book, Lana was
sitting by her bedside, just keeping her company. “I hope you are not working right now, because if
you are, I will kill you.”
The Commander turned to look at her with an upturn in the corner of her lips, closing the book in
her hands and giving it to Lana. The Handmaiden held it with the utmost care, bringing it
protectively close to her chest.
“Worry not, Raven, it is merely a journal, nothing that would require any killing on your part,” the
Commander said smoothly, Raven could see amusement dancing all over her face and knowing she
had provoked it made her unbelievably proud.
“A journal? Didn’t know you had one, no wonder your handwriting is so pretty, I only write to
you,” Raven said, as she sat down by the Commander’s bedside.
The Commander frowned, it was the tiniest and the cutest thing Raven had ever seen, she wanted a
picture of that face so she could stare at it every day and feel her insides turn into-
Wait.
No.
Stop.
What the hell was she thinking? Raven thought to herself as she shook her head, trying to rid her
head from those thoughts.
“Your handwriting is not ugly, Raven,” the Commander said, the cute frown still in her face, she
looked so-
STOP!
Raven shouted internally, reaching with her hand to smooth the frown on the alpha’s face.
“It totally is, if you compare my handwriting to that of a 5-year-old you will see no difference,”
Raven said, and the Commander’s brows started pulling in the middle, Raven reached with her
hand once more, placing her palm gently on the alpha’s forehead, while her thumb drew tiny
circles over Commander’s little frown, forcing it to disappear. “Stop that, you will get wrinkles.”
“Everyone gets wrinkles, and I continue to disagree with your perception of your handwriting, it is
big and clear, perfectly legible and straight, mine is small and tends to tilt to the right, that can
make reading hard sometimes, even for myself.”
“Are you saying you can’t read your handwriting sometimes?” Raven said, an amused smile
spreading across her lips. Her hand was still placed gently on the Commander’s forehead, her
thumb unconsciously moving to run gently over one soft eyebrow.
“Yes, after I have written in a rush, I can barely understand anything. In the letters I send you I do
my best so you will understand, but it doesn’t usually look like that. I like your handwriting,
Raven,” the Commander said, strong and resolute, leaving no space for the omega to go against
her. A warm flush made its way up the omega’s cheeks, and she was sure she would have blushed
if her skin tone allowed for such a thing.
“Okay, fine,” Raven said, “let’s say it's not that bad, then. How are you feeling?”
“I’m well,” the Commander said immediately, and Raven looked back at her, knowing that the
Commander couldn’t exactly be trusted with that particular answer. The omega turned towards
Lana, knowing that the Handmaiden could tell if the Commander was being honest or not.
The young girl shook her head from side to side, biting the inside of her cheek as she looked back
at Raven.
“Oh, really? You are feeling perfectly fine right now?” Raven asked, almost smiling to herself
when she saw the alpha open her mouth and hesitate to respond.
“I wouldn’t say I feel perfectly fine, no,” the Commander said, looking back at Raven, her eyes
filling with confusion as she looked down at herself, the tiny frown from before coming back to her
face.
“Then why did you tell me you are well?” Raven asked, making the Commander’s eyes jump back
to her face. “That’s called lying, friends don’t lie.”
“Friends?!” Lana said, her eyes wide and a smile spreading across her lips as she moved her eyes
from the Commander’s face to Raven’s.
“Yeah, Lana, the Commander and I are friends, right?” Raven said, directing her gaze back to the
alpha.
“Yes, we are. And I was not lying, I wouldn’t lie to you, friends or not,” the Commander said.
moving her gaze from Lana to Raven.
“You were, you told me you were well, and then you went against that statement.”
“No, Raven,” The Commander insisted. “I survived certain death, I have a safe place to sleep, I’m
being well-fed and there are people constantly coming to check on my wellbeing. There is also
you, a friend… I might not be perfectly fine, but I do believe myself to be well.”
At that moment Raven felt the familiar mix of fondness and sadness that she was beginning to
relate to the Commander fill her chest. She looked down at the alpha and offered her a weak smile,
smoothing her brow once more before speaking.
“Okay, then I guess what I was meaning to ask is how are you feeling physically,” Raven said, her
eyes intently staring down at the alpha. The Commander clenched her jaw for a moment before
looking up at Raven without saying anything.
“Heda is not usually asked such questions,” Lana mentioned, trying to fill the space of Lexa’s
silence.
“Well, she must get used to it, because these are the kind of questions friends ask, and remember,
no lying,” Raven said, giving the alpha a pointed look.
“I feel weak and exhausted, Raven, even if I have done nothing the last couple of days.”
“Hey,” Raven said gently, moving even closer to the Commander’s bed, “you were really sick, like
really really sick, it’s normal that you aren’t feeling so great, but please, don’t worry about that
right now, we will help you get back on your feet.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
"Yes, I have to," Raven said with a small smile as she looked down at the Commander. "That's
what friends do; they help each other."
"I wouldn't want to burden you with this, even if we are... friends," The Commander said,
hesitating before letting out the last word. "We can be friends without you doing this."
"No, that’s not how it works," Raven said, her smile falling a little at the corners, the fact that the
Commander saw herself and her state as a bother wasn’t sitting very well with the omega.
"You have been helping me since I got here. I couldn't ask you to do more."
"You are not asking, I am offering, and when you got here you spent the next few days mostly
unconscious so I didn't do much," Raven said with a shrug, not wanting the Commander to make a
big deal out of it.
"Having your company... it is meaningful to me, thank you," the Commander whispered, her eyes
a light shade of green that almost looked grey at its center. Raven bit the inside of her cheek,
feeling heat spread all over her chest.
"Good, because I’m going to be here for as long as you are."
"Raven, you don’t-" the Commander started, but was quickly cut off by the Mechanic’s lips. They
pressed against her own gently, successfully rendering her silent.
Raven knew the Commander would go on and on about how she didn’t need to help her and that
she knew she had better stuff to do. Raven just needed to shut her up and kissing was the perfect
way to do it, they both won like that. And fucking hell, even sick and weak and exhausted, the
Commander was such a fucking good kisser, Raven felt her tongue run gently against her own and
a shiver run down her spine, she shuddered, nuzzling her nose against the Commander’s as she
deepened the kiss, tracing her cheek with the pad of her thumb and only pulling back when her
lungs ached for air.
"Is that something friends do?" The Commander said breathlessly, placing a soft kiss to the corner
of Raven’s lips. The omega turned her head to the side slightly, landing a chaste kiss to the
Commander’s lips.
"Yes, it’s called friends with benefits," Raven said, a smirk stretching the corner of her mouth.
The Commander frowned slightly; Raven recognized the cute little gesture as the Commander’s
expression of confusion.
"That doesn’t make sense," the alpha said. Raven stepped back just enough for her to be able to
take in the Commander’s face.
"Really? Why not?"
"Having you care for me is the greatest benefit, it makes kissing not feel like a benefit at all," the
Commander said, her eyes widening suddenly when she realized what she said could be taken as
an insult. "Please, make no mistake, I do enjoy kissing you, very much."
Raven looked down at her, a wide smile spreading across her lips. The Commander’s heart had
picked up its pace in her nervousness, and her white cheeks had regained the slightest bit of color.
Seeing her like that just made Raven want to kiss her again.
"I didn’t mean to offend you," the Commander rushed to say once Raven didn’t respond. "Kissing
you is a great benefit too, I promise."
"Hey, relax," Raven said, pressing the pads of her fingers against the little frown on the
Commander’s forehead. "I understand what you mean and I am not offended. That’s just the name
people use for friends who do things that are a little more than friendly. It doesn’t have to make
sense, I suppose."
"Okay," the Commander said and Raven gave her a small smile.
"You are sweet," Raven said, waiting for the Commander to deny it.
"I don’t want to hurt you," the alpha said and Raven felt her heart clench in her chest.
"You can’t say things like that."
The Commander looked up at her, light green eyes confused, bottom lip pushed out in a barely
visible pout.
"Why? Did I offend you?"
"No, it’s very sweet, makes me want to kiss you," Raven said, leaning down once more, the tip of
her nose brushing the slope of the Commander’s. The alpha’s breath hitched, and her mouth took
the shape of an O in surprise.
"You can if you want to."

"No, I can’t," Raven whispered, pulling back with a low groan. "Kissing you will make me want to
do other things, and right now you are not up for it."
"Oh, I’m sorry, I will heal soon and make it up to you."
"Don’t apologize, just get better soon, okay?" Raven said gently, grabbing the blankets and pulling
them up to the Commander’s shoulders. "Rest, those meds they are giving you are pretty tough for
your body."
The Commander nodded and closed her eyes, she was exhausted and closing her eyes gave her the
biggest relief.
Raven looked around the room, noticing that Lana was gone. She laughed lightly to herself as she
walked out, knowing the handmaiden had probably ran out the moment things had started to get a
little more intense between the Commander and her.
.............
"Commander, good afternoon," Abby said, glancing up from the tablet in her hand and towards her
patient.
The Commander let out a sigh and cleared her throat, her mouth felt dry and her lips chapped. The
doctor seemed to notice the struggle and offered her a glass of water, helping her drink until the
alpha was satisfied.
"How are you feeling?"
"Tired, I want to get up from this bed, but I don’t think my body would cooperate."
"I’m afraid that is not something that will go away soon, it will get better, but you might be feeling
bouts of fatigue and exhaustion even a few months after going through the early stages of sepsis,
your condition was very serious, there is really no better outcome than the one you got."
“I appreciate your efforts, Doctor Griffin, your expertise and knowledge are the sole reason why I
am still here.”
“Your state would be much better and much easier to treat if you had been brought here right away.
I know well how your people feel about your role as Commander, how you must not be weak,
always remain strong, but I believe that there is strength in asking for help.”
“And I agree, Doctor, however, my life is not solely my own, it belongs to the people, and more
importantly, to Titus and the Flame. He is the one to decide over what will become of me in
moments of sickness or grave injury, and I doubt that he will reach out for help if something like
this were to happen again. A request for help is an act of weakness in his eyes, and he is not fond of
your people, for him there is very little difference between you and the Mountain Men,” the
Commander said and Abby nodded in understanding, not feeling the slightest bit surprised. After
all, they were speaking of a man that had denied a dying woman of pain medication, of the only
thing that would have at least made her passing bearable.
“I honestly care very little about what Titus thinks, especially when his ideas are this idiotic,”
Abby said without preamble, smiling to herself when she saw the shadow of a smile on the
Commander’s lips. “Now, Raven cares a great deal about you, I don’t know exactly how that
happened but it is obvious enough, that is something that I do care about, by extension that makes
my concern towards your wellbeing personal more than political. Raven has lost many people, the
people she has loved have also been the people that end up mistreating her, her mother, Finn, just
to name a few… But lately she has been happier, her smiles come easier, and every couple of days
I see her outside, almost dancing on her toes waiting for your letters…” Abby said, watching as the
Commander’s cheeks filled with color, and her eyes seemed to electrify with the brightness of the
green.
“They make her happy?” the Commander said, her eyes wide with surprise as she looked up at
Abby.
“Yes, it seems that way,” Abby said with a small smile of her own, “that’s very important to me. I
also saw her become sad and concerned when the letters stopped coming, I saw her walk out every
day and wait by the gates for them to come, and I saw her get a little sadder every day they didn’t.”
“I thought that would make her happy, to not hear from me anymore,” the Commander whispered,
the light slowly draining from her eyes as she looked away from Abby.
“And I understand why, I know what happened and I am not proud of what Clarke did,” Abby said
strongly, her gaze hardening as she looked down at the alpha.
“I would never hurt her that way, not her, not anyone,” the Commander said, her hands shaking as
she hid them under the blankets.
“I know, and I don’t think Raven feels unsafe with you, she cares about you and she is happy with
having you around, which is why I need you to go over Titus' head if it’s necessary. We all know
how dangerous your position is, but the moment your life became important to Raven it became
important to me. I saw how she got when she thought you were going to die and I need to make
sure you do what you have to do so that doesn’t happen, being negligent with your health is the
same as hurting her and I need you to think about that next time you feel as sick as you did this
time and decided to not ask for help.”
“I thought that’s what she wanted,” the Commander whispered, moving her eyes away from
Abby’s.
“I thought that if I died, she wouldn’t be afraid anymore. After what Clarke told me I spent days
thinking about surrendering myself to the laws of my people, our laws would have kept Raven safe
from me, I would have faced execution, but because it would have been difficult for me to be
sentenced without Raven’s word against me. I thought about summoning Clarke, what she told me
would have been enough but she has never been willing to come to the capital so my hands were
tied. And then I got sick…” the Commander said, trailing off and moving her gaze so she would
meet Abby’s eyes once more. “I knew it wouldn’t be as humiliating as what my people do, but it
would take longer, I would be in pain for days before my body finally gave out, and I would be
offered no pain relievers… It seemed fitting, I would pay for what I had done, and with my passing
Raven wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore.”
“You wanted to die,” Abby said, her face white as a sheet of paper.
“I couldn’t live knowing that I had abused her, I couldn’t. Living with that knowledge would have
been a greater punishment than death, but I thought my passing would make Raven feel better.”
“But you know now that Raven never felt that way?” Abby asked, and the Commander gave her
the smallest of nods.
“Yes, she has also offered me her friendship,” the Commander said and Abby arched her eyebrows
in surprise.
“That’s an even bigger reason for you to take better care of yourself.”
“I will do my best, though, if my state is too precarious, I may not be able to ask for help,” the
Commander said and Abby nodded to herself. It made sense, if the Commander was unconscious
or incapable of reaching out for whatever reason Abby would probably never find out about her
state.
“Then ask Lana to go over Titus’ head for you. She is loyal to you and she cares about your
wellbeing, I believe she would agree to this.”
“Lana… she is good to me; I will speak to her.”
“Good, now try to get some rest, your surgical wound is looking great and as far as I can tell the
antibiotics are doing their job flawlessly, maybe this afternoon we will try to get you up and take a
lap around the medbay, all depending on how you are feeling.”
“I’m pleased to hear that, I must return to Polis as soon as possible,” the Commander said and
Abby looked back at her with an unimpressed expression.
“There is a very wide gap between taking a lap around the medbay and going to Polis, that is not
happening yet.”
“I have seen the wound, it is small compared to others I have had, it is nothing I can’t handle,” the
Commander said and the Doctor looked back at her with a reprimand at the tip of her tongue.
“I am aware of the kind of wounds you’ve had in the past, I pulled a sword out of you myself and
removed one of your organs, now two. The issue here is not the wound, it’s the infection, the
surgical wound I made to take out your appendix is the least of my concerns. The real problem is
the infection, the lack of early treatment allowed a very serious and very deadly infection to
develop, even when they brought you in I wasn’t sure you were going to make it, and it is not
something the body recovers from just like that, it needs time and rest and good care.”
“We both know that me staying here for a prolonged period of time is not good for anyone.”
“And we both know that Titus would do something stupid if he saw you like this.”
“Yes, there seem to be no available options,” the Commander said with a slight frown.
“There is one option,” Abby said, looking down at the alpha, “if you respect the healing process
and don’t overwork yourself or rush into things you will heal better, quicker, and you will be able
to leave.”
“I will follow your directions to the best of my abilities.”
“Good,” the doctor said, looking away from the Commander for a moment as she continued
updating her chart.
“May I ask you a question?” the Commander said, her tone made Abby stop what she was doing
for a second, the alpha in front of her sounded unsure, hesitant, and those were not things she
usually related to the Commander.
“Sure,” Abby said, sitting down so she was no longer towering above the alpha. “What is it?”
“It’s not something related to our people, or your role as a healer and leader, so you can deny
answering the question and there will be no repercussions.” The Commander said. Abby frowned
to herself, not knowing what to expect, but feeling quite uncomfortable all of a sudden.
“Okay, go ahead.”
“Are there any customs related to a friendship that I should know about?”
“What?” Abby had expected anything, except that.
“Raven asked me to be her friend, but I am the Commander, Commander’s do not make friends. I
don’t know how to be that for her and I don’t want to do anything that would result upsetting or
hurtful for her. I’d like to know how to be a good friend,” the Commander said, her tone sure and
her face serious, she meant every single word she said and Abby couldn’t help the smile that
slowly spread across her face.
“Well, friendship works a little differently for everyone, so I think it would be best to approach this
subject with Raven. However, I think I can tell you about some of the basics.”
“Okay, thank you, I appreciate it.”
“I think intimacy is the most important thing about friendship, not in a sexual way, I mean
intimacy as being able to share things with your friend, things you wouldn’t share with a stranger.
You should be able to share your feelings and your thoughts with your friends and be receptive
when they do this with you, like this you will be able to build trust, which is also very important.
And as I am sure you know, the base of trust is honesty,” Abby said, stopping for a second to let
the information sink in.
“I wouldn’t lie to Raven,” the Commander said, and Abby nodded her head, the alpha was many
things, but she was not a liar.
“I know you wouldn’t lie, but you are the kind of person that prefers to keep things to herself, and
that’s fine, you don't need to share every single thing with her, but being open will allow you to get
to know each other better.”
“Okay. Intimacy, trust, honesty,” the Commander said, repeating the words to herself.
“Yeah, I think it is also important to show your friends you care and that you appreciate them, this
will help them feel valued and cherished,” Abby said, watching as the Commander whispered the
words back to herself with a small frown of concentration. “I have an idea, wait here, I’ll just go to
my office for a moment,” Abby said, standing up before the Commander could say anything.
The alpha watched her come back with a book in hand, it was small, not very thick and the cover
was colored in blue and green, The Little Prince, read the title.
“This book covers a few topics, friendship is one of them, I think it will help you understand a little
better. It’s short so you will have time to go through it while you are here, but remember, there
can’t be friendship without respect and kindness, that’s just what every person deserves, okay?”
“Yes, thank you,” the Commander said as she took the book from Abby’s hands, there was a
blonde boy on the cover, sitting in what the alpha assumed to be a giant floating rock.
“Feel free to ask me any questions you may have; it won’t be a problem.”
“Thank you, Doctor Griffin, I will take care of your book,” the Commander said, looking away
from the Doctor and directing her gaze towards the book.
Abby nodded to herself and stood up, stopping by the door and glancing back only to see that the
Commander had already started reading. That day she started seeing her under a new light.
………………….
When Raven went back to see the Commander, she found her wide awake with a small blue book
in her hands.
“Well, this is unexpected, shouldn’t you be resting?” the omega asked, noticing immediately
Lana’s absence.
“All I’ve done is sleep, I feel well enough to do some reading. This book is short and it has many
drawings, I believe I can finish it soon.”
“Okay,” Raven said, offering the alpha a small smile and sitting on her usual chair beside the bed,
resting her arms on the Commander’s bed. “How do you like it so far?”
“It’s lovely,” the Commander said with a small smile playing at the corner of her lips, the sight
alone was enough for Raven’s smile to get wider. “And the main character, he came from the stars,
like you.” The Commander said, showing Raven one particular drawing, in which the Little Prince
was standing on his tiny planet, surrounded by stars.
“Oh! That’s cool,” Raven said, as she watched the blonde boy, “why are you reading it though?
Were you bored?”
“No, I asked Doctor Griffin how to be a good friend to you, she gave me some advice and then she
gave me this book, she said I would understand better from reading it, and I think she was right,”
the Commander said, flipping the pages back until she reached a chapter she had already read. In
the pages, Raven saw a few drawings, both of them had an orange animal that she wasn’t too sure
how to name. She didn’t have much time to think about it, her brain was too busy firing with the
overwhelming fondness that came with seeing the Commander so invested and so concerned about
being a good friend to her.
“Really? What did you find in the book?” Raven asked, feeling her whole body soften from the
inside and out as the Commander’s little frown came back, her eyes moving quickly over the words
as she looked for something specific.
“You need to tame me, Raven,” the Commander said, her tone very serious. Raven’s eyes widened,
never in her life she would have expected an alpha to say something like that.
“What? What do you mean?” Raven said, still trying to get over the shock.
“Here, see?” the Commander said as she pointed a specific section of the page. “The Little Prince,
he asks the Fox to play with him, but the Fox can’t do that because he is not tamed, he is just an
animal, like many other animals. But to tame, it means to establish ties, to form a bond, I believe.
Once we establish a tie, I won’t be just a regular person, I will become someone to you, we will be
unique and special to each other…” the Commander said, moving her eyes away from the page and
then up to Raven’s eyes.
“My life is always the same, it’s about my duty and about my people, but if you tame me it’d be
like the sun shining on me. Here, the Fox says his life is monotonous, boring, but if the Little
Prince decided to tame him it’d be as if the sun came to shine on his life. I believe it would be the
same for me. The meaning of things would change, the bark of the trees, the earth itself, the fall
leaves and the pine cones, they made me feel nothing, but once you tame it all will change because
when I see them I shall think of you, of the color of your eyes, and autumn shall become my
favorite season instead of spring, do you understand?”
Raven looked back at the Commander, unable to forms words, feeling her insides melt and her
body strain with the sudden need to move closer and wrap the alpha safely in her arms.
“I think I do,” Raven said gently, noticing that the Commander had never talked as much as she
was talking then. “Tell me more.”
“It is said here that patience is very important, we will get closer and closer slowly, until one day, I
will love the sight of fall leaves littering the ground. And there is one more thing...” the
Commander said, stopping for a second and looking away from Raven all of a sudden. She was
staring very intensely at the very end of one of the pages, at the very end.
“What is it?” Raven asked, getting closer to try and see what it said.
“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed,” the Commander read, and hesitantly
looked up at Raven once again. “I would understand if you didn’t want the burden and the
responsibility of being my friend, you can take back your offer.”
“I don’t want to take it back,” Raven said at once, offering the alpha a small smile, “I think we are
going to be good friends.”
“You would tell me if I happened to do something wrong, yes?”
“Sure, and you can do that, too,” Raven said, receiving a nod from the Commander. “Would it be
okay if I read the rest of the book with you?”
“Yes, of course, we could go back to the beginning if you want.”
“You wouldn’t mind?” Raven asked, arching her eyebrows slightly, the Commander was about to
finish the book, but now she was offering to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing
once more.
“No, I quite enjoy it and there are a few words I don’t know, maybe you could explain them to
me.”
“Oh, sure,” Raven said, getting rid of her jacket and her shoes, “Move over a bit, I think we can
both fit on the bed.”
“I can take the chair and you can take the bed,” the Commander said as she started to incorporate
herself.
“Hey, no, there’s no need for that,” Raven said, placing a hand on the Commander’s shoulder to
keep her down. “I’m sure we will both fit fine.”
“Yes, but we will be very close, I don’t wish to upset you, or make you uncomfortable. I can take
the chair,” the Commander said, and Raven couldn’t help the rush of hot anger that flooded her
veins, she knew exactly where the Commander was coming from, and she hated it.
“You won’t, I like being close to you,” Raven said, trying to be reassuring, “Just move a little to
the side, try to be careful.”
“You are sure?” the Commander said, green eyes big and searching all over Raven’s face, trying to
find one little bit of discomfort on the omega’s face.
“I’m sure,” Raven said, gently helping the Commander move to the edge of the bed so she could
lay down on the remaining space sideways. She kept one arm folded under her head and the other
stretched across her side, with the limited space the edge of her chin was pressed against the
Commander’s shoulder.
A moment later they started reading, Raven smoothly taking over and reading out loud for the both
of them.
As they went Raven answered many questions, she talked to the Commander about planes,
engines, asteroids, and planets, she talked to her about the Old World upon the mention of France
and the United States… She spoke until she noticed that the Commander was starting to fall asleep,
having spent much more time awake than during the past few days. She sometimes would startle
herself awake and ask Raven to keep going, they had not yet reached the Fox part and every time
Raven asked the Commander to get some rest, she would deny, saying she wanted to read about
the Fox again.
Eventually, the Commander realized she was too exhausted to make it there, she let her eyes fall
shut and Raven continued reading, hoping her voice would soothe the Commander enough to fall
asleep.
“Raven,” the Commander mumbled, more asleep than awake at that point. Her head was tilted to
the side, towards Raven, so when the omega turned her head the tip of her nose almost brushed the
Commander’s. They were so close that Raven could easily count the Commander’s long eyelashes
and the tiny freckles that rested on the bridge of her nose, there were not too many, just a few,
sprinkled there and making her look so impossibly gorgeous. Raven had to bite her lip, if not she
would have kissed her.
“Yeah?”
“I think you have started taming me already,” the Commander said, her voice nothing but a
whisper, loud in Raven’s ears for being so close.
“Why?”
“You went to Polis… for the park… remember?” the Commander said, some words lost in her
sleepy mumble, but Raven got enough to understand the idea of it.
“Yes, I remember,” Raven said, waiting impatiently to hear what the Commander would say next.
“You told me about… the sun… how it is… a star, remember?”
“Yes, I remember, why?”
“It’s like the Fox said… To me, it’s not just the sun anymore… I can’t feel it’s warmth on my skin,
or… see it’s rays shining bright… without thinking about you…” Her voice faded a few seconds
later, and Raven could see, in the way her chest was moving, that she had fallen asleep. Her lips
were left just slightly open, letting out small puffs of warm air that hit Raven’s lips.
The omega couldn’t hold back this time, the warmth in her chest was moving up, making her
cheeks redden with a flush as she leaned in and placed a soft kiss between the Commander’s
brows, right where the tiny cogwheel that represented her position as Heda usually rested.
She pulled back after a few seconds, closing the book and placing it on the table by the bed. Her
room was too far away, she might as well just stay there with the Commander, she would come to
visit first thing in the morning either way.
With that in mind, Raven moved a little bit closer, pulling the blankets on top of them both and
closing her eyes.
…………………….
“She mentioned you are friends now,” Abby said, startling Raven and making her almost fall off
the bed. She had been lying there, staring at the Commander’s profile when the Doctor had spoken
and almost given her a hard attack.
“Shit, Abby!” Raven said, half whispering, half shouting as she scrambled to get off the bed, being
careful as to not wake up the other alpha. Raven knew the Commander was a light sleeper, but with
the medication she was so frequently on she pretty much stayed out until the effects of the meds
wore off. “Yes, she is my friend,” she said as she pulled the blankets up to the Commander’s
shoulders.
Abby hummed to herself as she gave the Commander a light check-up, glancing up at the machines
beside the bed and reading over the result of her last blood work.
“Do you think I am making a mistake?” Raven asked quietly, biting the inside of her cheek.
Abby looked up from the chart in her hands and looked at Raven with calm eyes, closing the chart
and putting it on the table beside Lexa’s bed.
“I think she is the loneliest child I have ever met,” Abby said honestly. “She is surrounded by
advisors, generals, soldiers, clan leaders, chiefs… by people who need or want something from her,
by people whose job is to protect her. Her people love her like they love a deity, from far away.
She has been on the brink of death many times now and the only person who has come is a man
only worried about taking away the Flame, whatever that means. When she was impaled with the
sword, I saw him yelling at Indra for not ending the Commander’s fight, thinking that trying to
save her was a waste of time and that they were only trapping the spirit.” The doctor moved her
eyes away from Raven to look at Lexa. “Her parents, if she has them, have never come to see her. I
often wonder who will mourn for her when she dies, not for the Commander, for the child under
the armor. I think no one needs a friend more than she does.” Abby said, moving her eyes back to
Raven and walking towards the young omega, putting a hand on her shoulder.
Raven’s eyes were locked on the Commander’s face, Abby’s words turning in her head. She only
looked up at the doctor when Abby took a hold of her chin and tilted her head up slightly.
“At the same time, I worry that the person who is going to end up mourning her will be you. You
are strong Raven and anyone would be lucky to have you, but you have suffered enough and even
if the Commander won’t be able to hurt us or betray us again and that we have no intention to hurt
her people, that doesn’t mean that others don’t have the intentions to hurt her. She is the leader of a
Nation, she will be always in a position of power, more often than not she will be here, in our
medical wing fighting for her life and if you get close to her seeing her like that will hurt you. One
day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, she is going to die and it is going to hurt. So, for both of
your sakes, you need to decide if you are willing to go through that pain when it comes, because it
will, and you know that I may not always be able to bring her back,” Abby said, squeezing Raven’s
shoulder to make sure the omega was listening closely. “Do you understand?”
Raven nodded mutely, moving away from Abby and sitting beside Lexa’s bed, reaching out to hold
the Commander’s hand with her own. Her decision had been made.
Abby nodded with a small smile and as she left the room her chest was filled with a mix of pride
and concern.
………………………………
Time seemed to crawl by as the Commander recovered, somehow Raven ended up half living in
the Commander’s medbay room and every day she would help Abby take care of the recovering
alpha. She helped to feed her, she helped her change and as soon as Abby gave Lexa the okay to
walk around Raven would be the one to hold her gently and keep her from falling.
Everyday Lexa would look at Raven, feeling hesitant and shy, nervous and a little embarrassed,
and she would tell her in whispers that she didn’t have to do any of those things, she would assure
Raven that she didn’t have to help her, that she could go see her friends, work, go around her day
and that she would be okay, that Lana or some of the nurses would help her.
Raven had stopped telling the Commander otherwise when she noticed that the Commander
wouldn’t ever stop saying the same things, instead, she would just press a kiss on the
Commander’s forehead and help her with whatever she needed at the moment.
“You are too good to me,” the Commander said as Raven helped her lay down on the bed, a few
laps around the medbay were enough to leave her completely exhausted.
Raven smiled at the Commander as she grabbed the blankets and pulled them up to the alpha’s
shoulders.
“I am sure you will find a way to repay me,” Raven said teasingly, rolling her eyes in exasperation
once she saw the Commander’s serious expression. “I was only kidding, you don’t owe me
anything, I did this because I wanted to.”
“Still, I am very grateful. My recoveries don’t usually go like this,” the Commander said and
Raven frowned, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at the alpha with confusion.
“How do they usually go?”
“I am not allowed much rest; I am prompted to go back to my duties as soon as I manage to stay
awake more than a couple of hours. My healers and the maidens that help me when I am unable to
take care of things on my own rarely worry about pain management, my role as Commander means
that I am capable of taking it. I am only allowed to get pain medication when one of my injuries is
fatal and painful enough to send me into shock. Lana tries to help me and get me something to
make the pain better sometimes, and she tries to keep me company, too, but I worry that Titus will
find out and make her leave. Because of that, I spend most of the time on my own, with different
matters being brought to my bedside for me to review them. It is all very-”
“Awful,” Raven said, interrupting Lexa and feeling suddenly glad that the Commander had been
treated in Arkadia, especially because Lexa spent most of the first few days half-conscious with a
cocktail of medications cursing through her veins. She had slept for most of the day and had been
barely coherent during her woken moments. “I am glad Abby managed to convince your advisors
to let you recover here, it’s been nice to have you around for more than a couple of days.”
“I haven’t been able to do much, Raven. I know that my company hasn’t been the most enjoyable
for you.”
“On the contrary,” Raven said with a grin. “I like you better when you are sleeping.” The
Commander frowned in confusion, unsure about believing the Mechanic. “I was just kidding. I
think it is a good time to get to know each other better, why don’t you tell me something about
you? What would you be doing if you weren’t Heda?”
“I am unsure, I was trained to become Heda since I was very young. I never thought I could be
anything else. I would either become Heda, or die as a Nightblood,” Lexa said, and small frown
developed on Raven’s face, Lexa had never really had options.
“Well, why don’t you think about it now? What do you like to do?” Raven asked and Lexa tilted
her head to the side, she couldn’t remember the last time someone had asked her something like
that.
“I like to read, I like farming, growing crops and the like, I like swimming and riding my horse. I
also like drawing and carving or to make things out of wood and stone. I once made a bow for
someone special to me, it was nice.”
“Well, there you go,” Raven said with a smile as she made herself comfortable on Lexa’s bed,
laying down beside the Commander before the alpha could protest and start asking her if she was
okay with them being that close. “You could be a farmer, or you could make stuff and then trade
it.”
“Yes, I suppose,” Lexa said, her lips tilting up to the side as she looked into Raven’s eyes. “Maybe
in my next life I will be able to do one of those things.”
“Do you believe that we will have another life after we die?”
“I feel like if I don’t believe it, living in this world would be much harder,” Lexa said and Raven
nodded in understanding. They stayed quiet for a moment until an idea popped up in Raven’s brain.
“You mentioned in your letters that you are not sure about your age, so I assume you don’t know
when your birthday is?” Raven said and Lexa shook her head. “Well, that only means we can have
some fun and choose a day for you.”
“It is not necessary; it is not important. We have a day where we celebrate my ascension as
Commander.”
“It’s not the same, you were someone before you were Heda and that person deserves to be
celebrated, too,” Raven said, watching Lexa’s eyes go very light, very green, her face softening as
she swallowed hard. “Come on, amuse me,” Raven said, giving the Commander a charming smile.
“I rather enjoy spring.”
“Nice one, how would you feel about celebrating your birthday during the Spring Equinox?”
Raven said and Lexa frowned slightly.
“What is an Equinox?” Lexa asked and Raven reached out with her hand to smooth Lexa’s small
frown with her fingers.
“It’s a day where the length of the day and night is almost equal.”
“Oh,” Lexa said, finding something familiar with Raven’s explanation. “It’s the day when we start
getting more daylight after the darkness of winter.”
“Yes, exactly. For some people, it represents new light, new beginnings, a fresh start. In some
civilizations of the Old World, long, long ago, the Spring Equinox was considered the start of a
new year,” Raven said and Lexa smiled.
“I think I’d like that. What does someone do during their birthday?” Lexa asked and Raven thought
for a moment before answering.
“Well, you celebrate with friends and family, maybe you go to a nice place you like, or have your
favorite meal, or maybe do something you love doing.”
“Celebrate with friends and family?” Lexa said, thoughtful, her words coming more like a question
than like a statement, she didn’t have friends, she didn’t have a family. “Does that mean that I can
expect to spend that day with you? Just the two of us? Because now you are my friend?” the
Commander said, and even her last sentence sounded more like a question than like a statement.
Raven felt her heart ache deeply and her light expression seemed to fall for a second. She tried to
recover quickly and smiled brightly at the Commander.
“Yes, that’s exactly what will happen next year. Just you and me, doing something you like,
having your favorite food, anything you want,” Raven said watching Lexa smile in such a pretty
way.
“Your company will be more than enough; we don’t usually see each other for so many days in a
row.”
“Yeah, I know,” Raven said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear.
“Perhaps I should get injured or sick more often.”
“Don’t you dare!” Raven said, her eyes widening as she gave Lexa a gentle slap on the shoulder.
“You already get injured enough.”
“What about your birthday? How do you celebrate it?” Lexa asked and Raven’s expression fell
slightly.
“Well, my mother wasn’t great,” Raven said, stopping for a second to decide if she wanted to share
something so private with the Commander or not, “She used to exchange our food rations for drugs
or alcohol, so she was pretty out of it most days. She didn’t pay attention to me because she was so
fucking high, or doing whatever she needed to do to get more drugs. So, my birthdays, and the rest
of the time really, I was just hungry, so much so that it got painful sometimes. I never really did
anything for my birthday, not until I met Finn, he would usually share half of his rations with me,
but on my birthday, he would give me one of his meals, all of it. My birthday is almost a month
before yours, during winter, on February 27th,” Raven said very quickly, not wanting to think
about it too much.
Lexa’s expression had fallen as well. She wanted to move her hands, to reach out to Raven and
offer her some comfort with her touch, but she couldn’t do that, not when she wasn’t a 100% sure
the omega would be comfortable and appreciative of such actions.
“That won’t happen again, I promise. I will make sure you don’t go hungry ever again, much less
during your birthday,” Lexa said, her tone serious.
“I know you won’t,” Raven said, her lips curling up again at seeing just how much the Commander
cared. She leaned forward a pressed a lingering kiss on the Commander’s cheek. “I imagine you
never went hungry in the Polis Tower.”
Lexa hummed for a moment as she thought. Raven didn’t expect it, she had stayed at the Polis
tower a couple of times and she had never eaten better.
“I have, just not because of lack of food. It’s part of the Nightblood training to be able to deal with
hunger, thirst, pain, lack of sleep, just in case we are ever captured or lost in the forest. So,
sometimes they would lock us in a room, chain us, ask us questions with the promise of food.
Answering would be a betrayal to our people so we couldn’t do that, the only option was
starvation,” Lexa said, and Raven looked back at her, horrified.
“For how long would this happen?”
“The time would change depending on the Nightblood, some would be able to resist more than
others.”
“You have to be kidding me? How did you and the rest of those kids manage not to die?” Raven
asked, her voice laced with anger.
“When you are captured the enemy doesn’t usually leave you with nothing, every couple of days
they will give you water or some sort of sustenance, like bread or something equally bland and
tasteless, so your body is capable of handling it, you won’t be at a 100% but you won’t die, you
will just be feeling like you want to die and that is the most dangerous thing, which is why it's
more a way to train the mind than the body, to not give in, don't give up, don’t relent. If they didn’t
just simply kill you, they want you, and for as long as they do they will keep you alive, when they
stop they will execute you and it all will be over,” Lexa explained calmly, trying to ease the
discomfort written all over Raven’s face. It did not work.
“Lexa, that’s horrible. Please, tell me you do not do this to the Nightbloods now. Please,” Raven
begged and Lexa’s eyes went dark. Raven stood up from the bed quickly. “Oh my God,” she said,
feeling completely disgusted.
“I would not do it if I did not find it necessary, Raven.”
“But, how could you? You love those kids,” Raven said, not knowing what to think.
“And because I love them I do it, Raven. Do you know what happens when you are captured and
you talk?” Lexa asked and the look in her eyes told Raven that she knew about the matter from
experience and not only from training. “Do you know what happens when you are no longer of use
to the people who capture you?”
“They kill you,” Raven said, feeling dejected as she sat back down on the edge of Lexa’s bed.
“They do, and more often than not they take as long as they can. They are targets, Raven, they
always will be and I can’t be the one who sends them out into the world unprepared. I know how it
is, how it feels, they know how to damage your mind and they will do so without thinking twice.
We never harm them, I would never allow it, this kind of training was much harsher before I took
command, but I can’t take it all away. It is not within my power.”
“It isn’t?” Raven asked, confused, she had always thought that Lexa had the last say on everything.
“No. The matters of the Nightbloods, their teachers, their training and everything else is mostly
overseen by Titus, who is the Flamekeeper. And he responds to the Wise Ones, it is a group of
men and women who have kept the historical records of every Commander in existence, all the
way back to the first Commander, Bekka Pramheda. They have no say in my political decisions,
but they do control the Nightbloods, they are the ones who train people and send them away to find
the children and speak to their families. I can try to appeal to them, make suggestions, but I can’t
give them orders. If I do that might be seen as a disrespect and a threat to the ways of our people,
they have no say over what I do in regards to the Clans, but they can order my execution.”
“So even if you wanted to stop this…?” Raven said and Lexa nodded in response.
“It would mean nothing to them. I did appeal to them and told them that the pain management
training was too harsh and that it could have several repercussions in the future, they saw that I was
right and have become less harsh, but that’s all I managed to do.”
“How did you convince them?” Raven asked, curious.
“I showed them my injury, one I didn’t get in battle, but in training. Back then one of my mentors
twisted my arm back, dislocated my shoulder badly, it never really recovered. My left side is
weaker and it feels like any blow might push my shoulder out of place. I would be stronger, better
to my people, a better warrior if that mentor had measured himself. He left me permanently
damaged and that in turn makes me weak. After that they couldn’t deny changing the pain
management training,” Lexa said and Raven couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and placing
her hand on Lexa’s left arm, she had heard of the Commander’s shoulder before, the alpha had
mentioned it when she had been at Polis, had said how it was a recurrent injury and that she wore
the pauldron to try and keep it from moving out of place.
“They broke your bones and called it training?” Raven said, her voice dripping with disbelief. Lexa
nodded.
“Yes, I remember my ribs would get injured often enough, that’s why I am relatively used to the
pain that comes with having them broken,” Lexa said and a sudden thought flashed in Raven’s
mind.
“What about the whip marks?” Raven asked, she knew they were all over the Commander’s back,
she had seen them every time they had slept together, and she was painfully aware of them because
of how the Commander would always move Raven’s hands back to her shoulders and neck. Raven
begged to whatever god that existed that as a kid Lexa hadn’t been tied to a pole and whipped just
to teach her a lesson.
The Commander nodded and Raven’s heart dropped to her stomach, she was going to be sick.
“Some are from training, some from punishment, some from being taken,” Lexa said and Raven
blinked quickly, her eyes filling with a thin film of tears. “Raven, please, I didn't mean to upset
you,” Lexa said, looking pained. Again, she wanted to reach out and offer the omega her comfort,
but she just couldn’t bring herself to touch her. Thankfully, Raven had no such reservations, she
buried her face against the alpha’s shoulder, trying to hide her tears. Lexa hesitated once more, but
seeing the omega clutching her arm made her brave enough to place her hand lightly on the
omega’s upper arm, she was ready to move it away if she saw any sign of discomfort coming from
the Mechanic.
“Don’t cry, I will tell you about something else,” Lexa whispered, tilting her head to the side so the
side of her head would just barely brush against the top of Raven’s head.
“No, I want to know everything. I just feel so silly. Here I was, complaining because I didn’t have a
full meal every day while you were starving and being whipped and getting your bones broken.”
“Raven, we are not competing. Your pain is just as valid as mine is. Please, don’t be upset, it’s
okay now,” Lexa said and suddenly Raven pulled away looking back at the Commander with wild
eyes.
“What about the burn marks?”
Lexa didn’t respond.
“The cuts?”
Again, Lexa didn’t say anything.
“Oh my God,” Raven said, as bile rushed up to her throat.

“Not all of them come from training, I got some of them when I was captured or in battle.”
“But some of them are from training, aren’t they?” Raven asked, knowing that Lexa wouldn’t lie.
Eventually, the Commander nodded her head and Raven felt her heartbreak a Little further.
“You were beaten and tortured in your own home; how could you live like that?” Raven asked and
the Commander opened her mouth to respond, she then closed it and frowned, not knowing what to
say.
“I guess because it was always that way. I did not know anything different. It just was what it
was,” Lexa said and her answer only seemed to sadden Raven further. Lexa seemed to notice the
effect her words had on the omega, for she leaned forward and ducked her head, trying to meet
Raven’s eyes. “Forgive me, what can I say for you to feel better?”
“Were you ever not miserable in that Tower?” Raven asked, unknowingly leaning her cheek on
Lexa’s shoulder.
“Of course, Raven. There were happy times, too,” Lexa said and a shiny glint appeared in her eyes.
“In fact, some time ago a beautiful omega grabbed me by the neck and kissed me, she dragged me
into her room and I was given the privilege to spend the night with her.” Raven’s cheeks reddened
as she looked back at Lexa with a tiny smile on her face.
“I meant when you were younger, Lexa,” Raven said, holding the hand the Commander had
previously placed on her arm between both of her own.
“Yes, Raven. There were good times, too. I promise,” The Commander responded and Raven
nodded with a sigh as she curled her body over the Commander’s side, leaning her head more
comfortably against the alpha’s shoulder.
“Good. Now, take a nap with me,” Raven said as she closed her eyes. She felt heavy, burdened and
sad with everything Lexa had told her. Maybe when she woke up everything would feel at least a
little bit better.
“Of course, Raven,” Lexa said, closing her own eyes as she leaned her head against Raven’s, she
waited for a second, trying to see if the omega would reject her touch, but after a few seconds
nothing happened, and so the alpha allowed the tension in her shoulders to wash away.
………………..
One day, during a lazy afternoon they walked outside, the Commander supported by her new
friend, who had an arm around her waist while with the other she held a basket, filled with a
blanket and food, Lana had made sure to have pieces of their favorite foods placed inside.
Raven spread the blanket under a tree and helped the Commander sit down, she was much better,
but there was still a giant bruise in the back of her hand, where the I.V line had previously been,
the darkness under her eyes refused to go away, as did the paleness of her cheeks. Raven knew the
Commander was not recovered yet, and she also knew that she would soon be forced to leave, she
had heard Abby arguing with Titus through the radio enough times during the last couple of days
to know that the Flamekeeper was losing his patience.
She was more than a little concerned, she knew the Commander was no longer in mortal danger,
but she could see that the infection had really taken a huge toll on her, she was too exhausted to do
much most days, especially since they had started walking and moving around more, and she knew
from what the Commander had told her about how it was to heal in Polis that she would get no rest
the moment she stepped foot on that tower.
She tried to not get herself worked up, knowing well that the alpha would notice and would ask
about it. She sat down, prompting the Commander to sit by her side, the trunk of the tree was
enough to support them both, though, it forced them to sit very closely, the sides of their arms
pressed together tightly.
“Is this okay?” the Commander asked, “I can give you some space.”
“No, I’m perfect like this, and we need to be this close if we are going to read together, I’m sure
you won’t want to miss the pictures,” Raven said, as she took the Little Prince from the basket.
They had made some progress, but the more the Commander did physical activity the more
exhausted she was when she got back to her room, so they hadn’t gotten around to finishing it quite
yet.
Raven didn’t think she had ever read a book quite like that, she read a lot, but it was always related
to her field of work, reading something so tender and so lovely was making an unusual feeling of
peace and calm settle over her bones. There were too many thoughts and ideas that would stay with
her forever, and she was sure that when they finished, she would have to read it again.
Another lovely thing was to watch the Commander react to it all, how she mouthed the words to
herself, following Raven’s reading pace perfectly, how she would frown and smile and repeat
entire sentences to herself when she really liked them, how she would point them to Raven, her
eyes wide like a child’s, as if she had just found the answer to a question she had never thought to
ask.
But then, then came the end of the book. Raven’s eyes got a little bit wider with every word, the
knot in her throat getting bigger and bigger until she could barely speak. The Commander got tense
by her side, stiff as a board, her jaw clenched so tight that Raven wouldn’t be surprised if her teeth
turned into dust.
"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For
some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the
sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But
all these stars are silent. You−− you alone−− will have the stars as no one else has them−−”
Raven read slowly, her tongue feeling heavy with every word she spoke, the Commander just sat
by her side, her breathing louder than it had been seconds before.
"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the
stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you−− only you−− will have stars that
can laugh!" Raven continued to read, her eyes watering.
"I shall look as if I were suffering. I shall look a little as if I were dying. It is like that. Do not
come to see that. It is not worth the trouble..."
"I shall not leave you."

A tear fell over the white paper, leaving a stain over the black letters, Raven thought it was her
own, but she was not quite sure.
After the last page came the silence, came the sorrow, the strange feeling of loss over a little boy
that probably never existed.
Reading his story had been lovely, had made Raven feel the same kind of warmth she felt
whenever the Commander looked back at her with her lopsided smile or with her little frown of
confusion. And still, she couldn’t help but feel sad and a little heartbroken, she couldn’t help but
hope that the blond-haired boy had gone back to his planet and was still alive in the stars.
When Raven turned to look at the Commander, she saw that the alpha’s eyes were red-rimmed and
filled with salt. The alpha offered a weak smile and lifted her hand.
“May I?” she asked, and after receiving a nod from Raven she allowed herself to cup the omega’s
cheek with her hand and catch a few tears with her thumb. “Don’t be sad, I am sure the Little
Prince went back to his star, we will see him tonight, and we will hear him laugh, I promise.”
“You are sure?” Raven asked, clutching the Commander’s wrist, keeping the alpha from moving
her hand away from her face.
“I’m sure, he is up there, I know it,” the Commander said with a smile, wiping the last of Raven’s
tears with her thumb.
“We will come back here tonight then, to see him,” Raven said, and the Commander nodded,
standing up as she held onto her right side. She offered her free hand to Raven, helping her to her
feet and walking her back inside the camp.
……………………..
She was not in the greatest mood; she knew it and if the way everyone seemed to be getting out of
her way was any indication then every single person surrounding her must have known as well.
Apparently, Clarke had decided to ignore her mood, and if there was one person Raven didn’t want
to see, that was Clarke.
Thankfully she had left Lexa back at the medbay with Lana, the Commander had insistently asked
her to go outside and do something other than sit by her bedside, Raven fought her for a while, but
she relented when she noticed the Commander wouldn’t stop. She was thankful Lexa was not there
to see Clarke, Raven wanted the blonde as far away from the alpha as possible.
“Out of my way, Clarke, not in the mood,” Raven said, trying to channel her inner Octavia and not
punch the blonde in the face. What had O said? Hurting Clarke wouldn’t make her feel better,
yeah, something along those lines. Was she right, though? Raven was not too sure.
“We need to talk and you know it,” Clarke said, following after the Mechanic until they reached
her room.
“Unless you come to tell me that you are going to apologize to Lexa then I have nothing to talk to
you about, however, if you need someone to punch you in the fucking throat I can give you a hand
with that,” Raven said, taking off her jacket and turning around to look at the blonde with her arms
crossed over her chest.
“I’ll apologize when she apologizes to me for leaving me at the Mountain,” Clarke said and Raven
couldn’t help but laugh ironically.
“Are you fucking kidding me? You want the Commander of the 13 Clans, the person who doesn’t
even exist outside of her duty and her role as a leader, to apologize for doing the thing she has been
trained to do since she was a fucking child, are you for real?” Raven asked, looking back at Clarke
with disbelief when a memory jumped to the forefront of her mind. “The funniest thing about all of
this is that she did apologize to you, or are you so blinded by your resentment and your anger that
you don’t remember?”
Clarke frowned in confusion, not knowing what the omega was referring to.
“Months ago, when she came to offer us a place in her Coalition, she apologized to you, I
remember it like it was just yesterday. She said: I’m sorry, Clarke, I never meant to turn you into
this. What else do you want from her?”
“She wouldn’t have had to apologize if she hadn’t left to begin with, she is a traitor and she will
stab you in the back as soon as she has the chance.”
“For fucks sake, don’t be ridiculous, look at me in the eye and tell me that if you had been offered
the same deal you would have said no. Come on, do it,” Raven said, not waiting for Clarke to
respond when she continued. “We burnt down their villages, we killed hundreds of them, we
massacred their elders and their children, we treated them like they are less than us, like they are
savages, and we still do that sometimes. If we could have sacrificed them to save ourselves we
would have done it, and don’t delude yourself into thinking otherwise.”
“I was not just anyone to her, Raven, there was something between us and she left anyway, like it
didn’t matter,” Clarke said, clenching her jaw in anger as she looked back at the other omega.
“The Ice Queen tortured and murdered the woman she was planning to form a family with and
what did Lexa do after that, Clarke, what did she do?” Raven asked, knowing she had successfully
made her point when the blonde looked away. “Yeah, that’s right, she swallowed her pain, buried
it deep down where she couldn’t see it and accepted that fucking bitch into her alliance, and why?
because it was the best she could do for her people.”
“I thought there was hope for us, I thought that when the fight was over and won I would have her,
right there, by my side, I thought that I would go to Polis and that I would get to live, not just
struggle and survive, to live, with her. But instead she left me there, and I became a monster, this is
not something I will recover from, Raven, and it all would have been different if she had been
there. I only wanted her to feel an ounce of the pain I felt when she abandoned me.”
“Well, I hope you are happy because you succeeded, she was going to get herself executed. Public
humiliation, castration, death by a thousand cuts, beheading, she was going to surrender herself to
all of it because she could barely look at herself without puking after you made her believe she had
forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. She would have done it if she hadn’t gotten sick, all of it
because of a fucking lie, and now she asks me if I’m okay and comfortable every two seconds, she
can’t even touch me without asking, all because of you. And you are just plain stupid if you think
leaving you there didn’t hurt her to begin with, of course it hurt her, that’s why she has been
protecting you ever since, protecting us, that’s why she even offered us a place in her Coalition,
she was making sure she wouldn’t have to choose her people over you ever again. I saw it all, I saw
it in how she looked at you when all you did was rub Niylah in her face and walk all over what she
was doing.”
“So, what? She is a saint now? she has never done anything wrong?” Clarke said sarcastically, her
eyes shining with angry tears, her hands curled into fists.
“Far from it, I’m not saying she is perfect, I know what she is capable of, but her actions never
came from a place where she decided to hurt you, that wasn’t her intention, she left because that
was what was required of her, but it wasn’t part of some plan she had to cause you pain. You, on
the other hand, hurt her because you could, you intended to cause her pain, you speak of her like
she is a monster, but what do your actions say about you?” Raven snapped back, barely able to
contain her anger, she was seconds away from punching the blonde’s teeth in.
“It’s nice, isn’t it? To feel like the most powerful alpha as far as your eyes can see has her attention
on you, it’s nice because she listens and she is reassuring and understanding, it's nice because she
makes you feel safe, but all of it, all those good things will always be overshadowed by the fact
that you will never come first for her, and she will turn her back on you as soon as it is convenient
to her,” Clarke said, her eyes filled with venom as she tried to make Raven understand.
“Yes, and so everyone has told me, even Octavia has gone on and on about the same things, but do
you know what’s the difference?” Raven asked, curling her hands into fists and burying her nails in
her palms to keep herself from doing something stupid. “The difference is that Octavia knows that
whatever I do with the Commander, or with anyone else, is my choice, only mine. She can only do
what any other friend would do, warn me, share with me her point of view, try to make me see her
reasons. She didn’t get in between Lexa and me, she didn’t go and try to break us behind my back,
and she didn’t go trying to execute some revenge using the excuse of protecting me. I understand
she hurt you, I understand the resentment and the pain, I even understand your hate towards her,
but I had nothing to do with it and you still used me to hurt her. If you want to hurt her, fine, go, be
that person, but if you ever try to use me to hurt her again, I swear to god, Clarke, I don’t even
know what I will do.”
“Is this some kind of revenge?” Clarke said out of nowhere, startling Raven out of her anger and
flooding her with confusion.
“What?”
“This whole thing, you sleeping with Lexa… Is this revenge for Finn? Because he fell in love with
me?”
“Are you saying that I seduced the Commander to hurt you?” Raven said, she could barely speak
with the laughter that was bubbling in her throat. “I was entering heat when I first slept with her, I
didn’t care who she was as long as she was giving me orgasms. And why would I assume being
with her would hurt you? You hate her guts, that’s blatantly obvious, and she doesn’t even see you
as an option anymore, what she does for you, she doesn’t even do it to try and fix things between
the two of you, she does it because she can and because she wants to, she does it even if she thinks
fixing things with you is foolish.” Raven paused, trying to calm down her angrily pulsing heart
before she directed her gaze back at Clarke. “She stayed out of your way when all she wanted was
to see you, she takes the heat in Polis each time you refuse to go when the Ambassadors demand
your presence, she sends you things she thinks you will enjoy, and she does all of that expecting
nothing from you, not even hoping for you to forgive her. So, no, I did not decide to keep sleeping
with her for you, or Finn, or anyone other than me, because for months now I’ve gotten the chance
to know her and I think she is a good person to have around me.”
“You will regret this, I can promise you that,” Clarke said, “she will break you like she broke me
and then you will see that you should have taken the way out when you had the chance to.”
“I’d doubt it, and even if I do, I know I won’t regret having her around as much as you will regret
not getting your head out of your ass soon enough,” Raven said, leaving her room before Clarke
could say anything else.
……………..
“Are you okay? You seem upset, you don’t have to share it with me, though I’d like to help you if
that’s something you’d like,” the Commander said once the silence in her room had gotten too
suffocating.
Just half an hour after she had managed to get Raven to leave and do something other than sit by
her side, the omega had come back and dropped down on her usual chair, not saying anything and
glaring at the wall like it had personally offended her. The Commander had given Lana a look,
who with an understanding nod had left the room. The alpha had decided to not bother the omega,
not when it was obvious that she had no desire to talk, so she had decided to continue drawing in
her journal, but then Raven’s anger seemed only to grow and the Commander was starting to choke
with the scent of it.
“It’s fine, it's not something you can help me with, thank you, though,” Raven said, turning her
head to glance at the alpha for the first time since she had arrived. The alpha had a piece of
charcoal between her fingers and it seemed like she had at some point rubbed her eye with her
stained hand, for dark blotches of black were smeared under her eyes and over the side of her nose.
The sight instantly made Raven smile, she reached out with her hand and gently brushed her thumb
over the black stains, caressing the alpha’s skin until the blotches were gone.
“You had a little something on your face,” Raven said, feeling the rush of her anger drain from her
body when she caught big green eyes looking back at her. “What are you drawing?”
“You,” the Commander said simply and Raven’s eyes widened.
“Me? Really?” Raven asked, receiving a nod from the Commander, who turned her journal
towards the omega, so she could see the portrait that the alpha had been making on one of the
pages. The resemblance was striking, each faction and line as close to perfection as it could
possibly be, Raven felt like she was looking at a mirror, and her reflection was smiling. “Why?”
“I don’t have much time to draw anymore, not for pleasure, it has become a part of my duty too, I
draw maps, our cities, and villages, different routes, things of the like. But when I draw for me, I
prefer to do things I like, or that I find beautiful,” the alpha said, and Raven felt a rush of warmth
jump straight to her cheeks.
“You find me beautiful?”
“Of course, Raven,” the Commander said, making a face that told Raven that she considered the
question kind of ridiculous. “I quite enjoy seeing you smile, it’s beautiful.”
“Thank you,” Raven said, feeling too speechless to respond with a teasing remark.
“No need, it is only the truth.”
“Your smile is nice, too,” Raven said, at last, making the Commander’s eyes jump from the
drawing and towards Raven’s face.
“I’m not sure about that.”
“Why?”
“It feels odd on my face, I’m not sure I do it properly,” She said and Raven swallowed hard.
“You do, it looks pretty, I swear. It will stop feeling odd when you start doing it more.”
“I don’t do it often, so maybe it will always feel slightly odd,” the Commander said, looking up at
Raven with a slight curve on the corner of her lips.
“Don’t worry, you’ve got me now, I’ll make sure you smile more often,” Raven said, watching as
the Commander’s smile unconsciously widened.
“You don’t have to; you are already too good to me.”
“You give me too much credit, I haven’t done much,” Raven said, knowing that every little gesture
was a big thing for the Commander because she had been on her own for so long. “And I want to,
so it’s fine.”
“I’ll make sure you smile more, too,” the Commander said then, and Raven looked back at her
with arched eyebrows.
“Why? You just said my smile is beautiful, were you lying? do you think it’s odd?” Raven said,
she was teasing, but the Commander didn’t seem to catch her tone. The little frown Raven liked so
much was back on her face.
“No, Raven, I was being honest, I want to make sure you smile more because I enjoy seeing you
smiling, that’s all.”
Raven smiled brightly, giving the Commander the toothy grin she liked so much.
“Relax, I was only playing around with you,” Raven said, “You are very good at drawing, I’m
impressed.”
“Thank you,” the Commander said, some color returning to her pale cheeks. “I can show you more
if you want.”
“Sure, that’d be cool,” Raven said, already kicking off her boots as she climbed onto the
Commander’s bed.
“I don’t have many in this journal, this one is fairly new, but look, this is my favorite horse…”
……………………….
A few days later Raven entered the Commander’s room to see Lana helping the alpha put on her
armor. She turned her gaze from the pair and towards Abby, who was angrily typing on the tablet
in her hand.
“What the fuck is this?”

“Raven-” the Commander tried, but the omega cut her off.
“Abby, what the fuck is this? It hasn’t even been two weeks yet, her stitches aren’t even out, you
can’t possibly be letting her leave!” Raven was going to shove a bomb down someone’s throat, she
was going to fucking kill-
“Titus is not leaving us much of a choice, her presence has been demanded at the capital and she is
no longer in enough danger for me to demand she stays here.”
“And how does he know that? He isn’t here, you can tell him whatever and he won’t know, just
like when you didn’t tell him about the coma.”
“Because I have been speaking to him,” the Commander interrupted again, and Raven turned to her
with a fierce glare.
“You what?”
“Abby, Lana, if you could please give us a moment,” the Commander said, receiving a nod from
both women before she was left alone with Raven.
“What have you been telling Titus?”
“I have told you how my recoveries go, as soon as I am able-”
“That’s the thing, you are not there, you are here, and you are not able!” Raven snapped, “the
wound is still recent and the infection- Abby said you will need to be on antibiotics for weeks, you
need to take proper care of yourself.”
“I will take the medication with me and Abby will send her right hand, Jackson, to keep an eye on
me during the next couple of weeks. I don’t plan on being negligent with my health, much less
now.”
“Much less now? What do you mean? What’s happening?” Raven’s mind started firing with the
worst possible scenarios, if the Commander needed to take care of her health it was probably
because there was some kind of shit storm going on in Polis. “If you are going back there to get
yourself into some kind of mess, I swear to fucking god-”
“Your manner of speech is rather amusing,” the Commander said, her lips curling up at the corners
as she fixed Raven with a soft look.
“This is not the time to look at me like that, don’t distract me!” Raven said and the Commander’s
smile only got bigger.
“I’m not going back to any kind of mess, not that I know of. When I said that I don’t plan on being
negligent with my health… I said it because I am… happy… to be your… friend… I’d like to have
time to explore having this kind of relationship with you and to make that possible I need to take
better care of myself,” the Commander said, shy and hesitant, and so unbearably endearing. Raven
could barely believe it, she bit her lip, trying to resist the urge to grab the Commander from the
front of her coat and pull her into a kiss.
“Oh, okay, that’s good, that’s good. Stay safe, if you get hurt, or die, I’m going to kill you,” Raven
said, knowing that something in the sentence hadn’t made much sense. The Commander seemed to
notice as well, and so she smiled, nodding her head anyway.
“Thank you, Raven, for everything. Your help during my recovery is invaluable to me, I appreciate
it, truly. I hope to be in your presence again soon,” the Commander said, and before any of her
words could continue to make Raven melt inside, the omega moved forwards and wrapped her
arms around Lexa’s shoulders.
They had kissed and they had had sex, but they had never held each other like that.
The Commander froze for a moment, her whole body stiffened as Raven’s chest pressed against
hers. For a moment she didn’t know what to do, she wasn’t sure if Raven would be comfortable
with her returning the gesture.
“Hug me back, you weirdo,” Raven said with amusement, tightening her hold around the alpha’s
shoulders. The Commander blinked quickly and lifted her arms, curling them gently around the
middle of the omega’s back.
“Is this okay?” the Commander asked, her hands nowhere near any place that would be considered
inappropriate.
“Yeah, that’s perfect,” Raven whispered, her words muffled against the Commander’s coat, she
moved her hand from the Commander’s shoulder and towards the back of her neck, making just
enough pressure for the alpha to let her head fall against Raven’s neck. “Just relax, there’s no need
to be so tense,” Raven said, closing her eyes and breathing in deep as she progressively felt the
Commander’s body grow pliant and soft against her own.
“Thank you, that was nice,” the alpha said once Raven started to pull away.
“No need for thanks, just stay safe, our friendship needs to last more than a couple of days,” Raven
said, picking up the shoulder pauldron that was currently on the bed and helping the alpha put it
on.
“It will,” the alpha said, pausing for a moment before she started talking once more, “I am glad to
know that you never felt like I was taking advantage of you, it is a relief.”
“Yeah, next time just talk to me before you believe anything anyone tells you about me, okay?”
“Yes, I will talk to you first.”
“Good. Here, take this,” Raven said, grabbing the Little Prince from the near table, they had
finished a few days ago but they hadn’t returned it to Abby.
“I couldn’t, Raven, it does not belong to me.”
“Hey, just take it, Abby won’t mind and I know you loved it, just take it and if you still feel bad
about having it you can just give it back next time we see each other.”
“Okay, let me know if Doctor Griffin ever needs it and I will send it back.”
“Sure, now go before I force you to stay,” Raven said and the Commander smiled.
“Of course, Raven, I will be longing to see you,” the Commander said, clutching her side and
walking out the door before Raven could even react.
The omega was left standing there, staring at the door with a warm feeling spreading all over her
chest.
……………………..
That night Raven lay awake in bed, wondering how the Commander was doing, her wound was too
recent to not be bothering her, and the omega could only hope that she wasn’t in too much pain.
She knew it had been too soon for her to leave.
After a few moments her mind got lost in the book they had read together, there were so many
beautiful words, all of them contained in a tiny little book, and still Raven couldn’t stop thinking
about one specific quote, she knew it was not the most beautiful, and it wasn’t the most
heartwarming, but she just could not stop thinking about it.
One runs the risk of weeping a
little, if one lets himself be tamed…
She could almost picture the image in her mind, the Fox speaking to the Little Prince, the Fox
crying when the Little Prince left him.
She could also hear Abby’s voice in the back of her mind, her worry and her concern, how she had
asked her if she was sure about deciding to be the Commander’s friend, worried because choosing
to be her friend, was the same as choosing to go through the pain of losing her.
Raven threw an arm over her eyes in frustration, trying to think about something else, anything.
But still…
One runs the risk of weeping a little,

if one lets himself be tamed…
Chapter 7
Chapter Notes
Hey guys!!! Early update here, I feel like I got this out rather quickly considering it
has more than 16k words. I hope you like it!!! Thanks again for your lovely
comments, they make my heart sing, really. I hope to see you guys again in the
comment section.
TRIGGER WARNING: there is a torture scene at the very beginning of this chapter,
and there is a character death in it, too, you need to trust me though, I got it all under
control. So, if you feel like you have to skip it, do so, its the first part of the chapter,
but if you can read it please do, it's not what it looks like, and most of the chapter is
based on that first scene.
Something was wrong. That was the only thing Raven could think about as she made her way
inside of Polis. The streets were empty and quiet as if every single one of Polis’ citizens had
suddenly vanished.
She walked further and further, checking homes and stalls for signs of people, but there was none,
not until she reached the middle of the city, near where the Commander’s tower stood tall and
proud. Sound started reaching her, angry screams and shouts, they were in Trigedasleng, so she
couldn’t understand what they were saying, but she was sure they were not friendly.
It seemed like the whole city was gathered there, they were in a circle, surrounding something, and
they were all shouting angrily. She tried to make her way to the front, to see what was going on.
Her heart was racing, and she didn’t know why, but the hairs in the back of her arms and neck were
standing on end, her stomach was bubbling with panic… Something was wrong, something was
very wrong.
She stumbled through the last wall of people, almost falling on her face if she hadn’t caught herself
on someone’s shoulder.
The first thing she saw was the puddle of black on the floor, then she saw bare feet, dripping with
the same substance, they slipped over the blood, making Raven wonder how the person had
managed not to fall yet. On the floor, surrounding the feet, there were strands of brunette hair,
wavy locks, and tight braids. The sense of familiarity that hit Raven’s chest made her eyes jump up
and towards the face belonging to the owner of the bloodied feet.
And there she was, tied to a tree, completely bare, her body uncovered for everyone to see. Raven’s
eyes widened, she didn’t need to ask who that was, she knew that body, she knew those
cheekbones and that nose, she knew the ark of those shoulders and the curve of that jaw. She had
run her lips all over that body, she had held onto those hips with all her strength. And those scars,
the ones she had helped heal, they were being reopened, carved by knives, by sharp blades,
allowing blood to spill free and drip down her skin.
“Lexa?” Raven gasped in disbelief, unable to process what she was seeing. The Commander’s
beautiful hair was gone, her braids, the representations of her position and her status, they were
gone. Raven had seen them on the floor before, but still, seeing the Commander’s bloody scalp
came as a shock to her, a brutal punch to the gut that she could not comprehend. They hadn’t been
gentle, they had hurt her as bad as they managed to, making the Commander’s scalp look like an
open wound, the skin severed and lifted, letting the blood free to drip down her forehead and in
between her eyes.
“Raven…” the Commander mumbled, lifting her head to try and find the source of the voice. Half-
closed green eyes met widened brown ones; Raven didn’t know how the alpha managed to see
anything with so much blood covering her face. “Raven… I’m sorry… I- I didn’t- mean to-” She
was cut off by a brutal hit to the face, her head snapped to the side with the force of it, sending
drops of black blood flying and staining the ground, leaving Lexa’s head limp, blood dripping from
between her lips.
“Hey, stop!” Raven shouted, pushing at the guard that had hit the Commander and sending him
away from her. “What the hell are you doing? Cut her off, take her down!” Raven screamed,
rushing to the Commander’s side and not knowing where to touch her, or how to hold her, there
were cuts everywhere, there was no way to touch her without hurting her and the thought of being
the source of the Commander’s pain was killing her inside.
“Hey, hold on, okay? I’m going to get you some help, you are going to be good as new in no time,”
Raven said, reaching for the rope that was keeping the Commander’s hands tied up.
“Raven-” the Commander whispered, her eyes rolling slowly in their sockets as she searched for
Raven’s gaze. Her eyes were glassy and dull, just like they had been when Raven had held her on
the stretcher, trying to keep a sword from moving and tearing her apart; just like they had been
when Raven held her in the back of the rover, trying to keep her from losing the fight against the
infection.
“Shut up! How dare you speak to her?” A guard shouted, pulling Raven forcefully away before he
delivered one punch after the other against the Commander’s face.
“No! Stop! What are you doing?! STOP IT!” Raven continued to scream, failing to pull him away
from the alpha.
“We are making her pay for what she did to you,” said a voice from the side. Raven turned to see
Titus standing there, looking back at her with an expressionless face.
“For what she did to me?” Raven said, confused, turning to look at the Commander once more, her
eyes drifting down until she saw the mangled lump that rested between the Commander’s legs…
They would strip me bare in front of all my people
They would cut off my braids
They would tie me to a tree, and then they would proceed to remove my genitals
After that... death by a thousand cuts ...beheading…
The sight sent Raven to her knees, her stomach cramping up and lurching violently, forcing her to
expulse everything she had eaten right there, by Lexa’s bloody feet.
“Yes, her actions towards you were repulsive,” Titus said, disgust in his voice as he motioned for
the ritual of death by a thousand cuts to continue. Raven watched from her place on the ground as
Lexa’s people pulled out their knives, walked up to her and cut her without any hesitation or sign of
remorse. “We are making sure she will never be able to abuse her power again.”
“No, no, no,” Raven said, not even noticing the tears in her cheeks as she stumbled back to her feet.
“This is a mistake, she didn’t abuse her power, she didn’t hurt me in any way, I swear it.”
“We understand you were afraid; she used your fear to force you into her bed, but you don’t need to
worry any longer, she can’t hurt you anymore,” Titus said, his face completely void of emotion as
he looked back at Raven. “I wish we had known you were coming; we would have waited, you
could have removed her genitals yourself.”
The last sentence made Raven’s mind spin, her eyes spotted with black and she felt her tongue turn
into lead, too heavy for her to move it.
“Listen to me!” Raven tried to say, pushing the next person in line to cut the Commander away
from the alpha. “She didn’t do anything wrong, I wanted to sleep with her, I swear it, I wanted it!”
“That is not what we heard, one of our guards heard it all, how Wanheda forced the Commander to
stop what she was doing to you, how she forced her to stay away. You are just afraid, but there is
no reason to be, we will make sure she can’t hurt you no more.” Titus said, nodding to one of the
guards. The bulky man came towards Raven, grabbing her forcefully by the arms to keep her from
blocking the line.
That same guard kept her from moving. That same guard took her kicks and her punches as she
fought to get away. That same guard was deafened by her screams; she shouted as hard as she
could, trying to make them understand. But they didn’t believe her, they thought she was just
afraid, that she was just defending the Commander because she was afraid for her life. They just
didn’t believe her.
And so, the same guard held her, keeping her body from falling to the ground as Raven saw the
Commander struggle to keep her eyes open.
“Hey, no! Lexa! Listen to me! Wake up! Don’t close your eyes! Please, Stay awake!” Raven
continued to scream; her arms numb with how hard the guard was holding her to keep her from
moving. “Abby will fix you! Just hold on! I’ll get you help! Just stay awake! Please… Please…”
Raven’s screams faded, replaced by broken sobs, her voice lost to the sight of the Commander’s
limp head, tilted down over her chest, unmoving.
She was gone, Raven knew she was gone, there was too much blood on the ground for her not to
be, but they still wouldn’t stop. The line of people waiting for their turn to cut her was still there, it
was endless, it went as far as Raven’s eyes could see.
“Titus, please, just leave her alone, just leave her alone,” Raven begged, limp in the arms of the
guard, her eyes and her throat raw from crying and screaming so much.
“There are still 307 cuts left, I must say she held on for longer than most people, but still, this will
only be over after the thousand cut.”
For what felt like hours Raven stood there, most of her weight carried by the guard, as each one of
the citizens of Polis went up to their Heda, the person that had devoted her life to protect them, and
sliced her skin open with their blades. The process seemed endless, infinite, but at last the final cut
came and Lexa was cut down from the tree.
Raven wanted to go to her, take what was left of her body away, clean her up, treat her with the
gentleness she deserved, but before she could move, Titus’ voice made her blood freeze.
“We have come to the end,” he said, as the Commander’s limp body was carelessly tossed around.
Some of the guards then picked her up, pulling her shoulders back so her head would be left
hanging down. “Raven of the Sky People, because of the crimes committed against you I offer you
the chance to proceed with the beheading,” Titus said, taking a sword offered to him by one of the
guards at his side and taking a step towards Raven.
“What? No, please, she’s- she’s gone, just leave her, please!” She begged once more, falling to her
knees.
“Do not worry, after this, you will be rid of your fear,” Titus said, bringing the sword up and then
down with a powerful swing. Black blood sprayed Raven’s face, her cheeks and her lips
completely stained. A muffled thump followed and moments later the Commander’s head rolled on
the floor, hitting Raven’s knees.
“See? She won’t hurt you anymore,” Titus said, just before Raven’s sight went black.
………………..
She lurched on her bed for the fifth time in as many days, a scream stuck on the back of her throat
as she sobbed violently, her chest heaving as she fought to get some air inside her lungs.
It isn’t real, it isn’t real, it isn’t real, Raven chanted in her head, feeling as her shirt stuck to her
back with sweat, she pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes, trying to calm her racing heart.
It couldn’t be real, it was just a dream, yes, yes, just a dream, she had gotten a letter from the
Commander just that same morning, there was no way she was dead, there was no way…
Raven reached for the letter, she read over the Commander’s words, her eyes tracing over her
pretty handwriting as her racing heart slowly started to calm. She then reached for the drawing the
Commander had sent her, smiling to herself as soon as she unfolded the thick parchment.
A young boy was sitting on an asteroid, a fox by his side, his fluffy tail curling around the boy’s
back.
She was okay, she just had to be.
……………………
Raven of the Sky People,
The warmth of summer will soon leave us, that’s why, with this letter, I also sent you a couple of
items of clothing that I feel will be of good use to you as we enter the Fall. I know that you will feel
no cold inside your camp, but I would like to think you would sometimes go out to get some fresh
air and sunlight. I know you are not a plant; I just believe it would do you well to get some air from
time to time. Let me know if the clothes do not fit and I will be sure to send you another package.
I have also been doing some research about airplanes, I’ve been most curious about them since we
read the Little Prince, and I was surprised to see how many different models there are. I couldn’t
stop myself from trying to build a small model of a plane with wood, I know you enjoyed the
bracelet I made for you, so I thought maybe you would like the plane as well. I sent it to you with
the clothes, and even if I do hope you like it, I would understand if you didn’t, I will try to get better
at making them, I promise.
Tell me, how are you? I hope you are doing well, is there something you are working on? I know
you have been having some troubles with the gate and that that has been keeping you busy, do you
need help with that? I know my people don’t know about that sort of thing, but they are good at
following orders, I am sure they would be of good use to you as they would surely follow well your
instructions. Let me know if you need them and I will send them to you as fast as I can.
Let me know how Koa is doing, I was pleased to hear he is finally relearning how to walk, how is
that going? I am sure the brace you built for him is being of great help.
Wish you well,
Commander Lexa kom Trikru
Raven had never reached to open a box so fast, and right there, in the middle of all the clothing,
was a wooden airplane. Raven had no idea about what model it was, but she knew it was an old
one and probably used by the military in the Old World. It was so pretty and so carefully done, so
much so that the wheels worked, so Raven could make it roll around her desk. She couldn’t see
how the Commander could make it any prettier and Raven loved it so much.
The propeller worked, too, and that’s how Octavia found Raven, sitting at her desk, making the
propeller spin with her finger, dark shadows under her eyes.
“Hey, Rae,” Octavia said, trying to not startle her friend, the lack of sleep had started to affect her,
making Raven jumpy and easily startled.
“O, look at this, isn’t it the coolest thing you have ever seen?” Raven said with a smile on her face,
picking up the airplane carefully and offering it to her friend.
“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” Octavia said, eyeing the plane carefully before giving it back. “The
Commander sent it to you?”
“Yeah, she made it herself, she is talented, don’t you think?”
“Yeah,” Octavia said as she moved further inside and leaned against the wall. “Sinclair said you
haven’t been to work today, you okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” Raven said distractedly, her eyes still on the airplane.
“Rae,” Octavia said, her tone alone being enough for the other omega to look up at her.
“I’m just tired, O, I didn’t feel like going anywhere today.”
“You have been having the same nightmare for two weeks now, maybe it’s time you do something
about it, you are going to make yourself sick otherwise.”
“Do something like what? I already take enough meds to keep my pain down, I don’t want to take
pills to be able to sleep properly, too,” Raven said with frustration, placing her plane on the desk,
making sure she could easily see it at all times.
“Have you spoken to the Commander about the dreams?”
“No, if I did, she would know that Lana gave me the letters she had been explicitly told not to send,
I don’t want to cause her any trouble. Besides, what difference would it make? It probably just
worry her, and she is busy making sure no idiot starts a war, I don’t want to bother her,” Raven
said, as she started looking through her new clothes, they faintly smelled like the Commander, and
she was quick to pull them close to her chest. The Commander had to be okay, she had to, if she
wasn’t her scent wouldn’t be so strongly latched on the fabric of Raven’s new clothes. Thinking
that made Raven’s heart beat a little easier.
“Why don’t you go visit her? Maybe seeing that she’s okay will make the dreams go away.”
“She is the Commander, O, she is always busy, I don’t want to go there and cause her trouble, not
when Titus was so ready to let her die when she got sick. I don’t want to cause her problems.”
Octavia sighed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to change Raven’s mind.
“Please, consider seeing Abby then, you need to get some sleep.”
“Yeah, sure,” Raven responded half-heartedly, barely paying any attention as she glanced back at
her plane, her eyes sore and tired.
……………………….
That day Octavia intercepted the guard that would take Raven’s response back to the Commander.
“Hey, can you give this to the Commander for me?” Octavia asked, and the guard looked back at
her with a blank expression.
“No, I have orders to only receive letters from Raven kom Skaikru, and she has already given me
her letter for Heda.”
“I know, I know, this is just something she forgot to say. Her leg was bothering her so she asked
me to give you this, it is still a letter from her to Heda,” Octavia lied easily, praying that the guard
would believe her and that she wouldn’t want to go back to check with Raven herself.
“Your word better be true, Octavia kom Skaikru,” the guard said, taking the letter from the
omega’s hand before leaving.
…………………..
Two days later the letters were reaching Polis. The Commander was standing over the maps of the
land, trying to work out a few new trade routes with her advisors when the guard arrived, carrying
two envelopes.
“You are all dismissed,” the Commander said, wishing to be alone as soon as possible so she could
read Raven’s letter in peace.
Everyone filtered out of the room, leaving the Commander alone with her guard.
“Two envelopes,” the Commander noticed at once, “why?”
“Raven kom Skaikru forgot something she needed to say and wrote it on a different letter, her
friend Octavia gave it to me just before I left,” the guard said and the Commander nodded.
“You may wait outside for my response,” the alpha said, receiving a nod and a small bow from the
guard before she walked outside.
The Commander sat on the nearest chair and opened one of the letters, frowning slightly when she
saw a handwriting that she had never seen before.
Commander Lexa,
This is Octavia, Raven has been having nightmares about you since the moment you left, by the
time you receive this letter, she will have spent almost two weeks and a half barely sleeping. She
has refused to see Abby about it and she hasn’t been listening when I told her she should tell you
about it. I’m afraid she will make herself sick or get herself hurt, her work requires a lot of
concentration and focus, and how could she do any of that when she spends most of the day trying
to not fall asleep.
I think seeing you might help, but she doesn’t want to make things complicated by going to Polis. I
know you can’t just come here for no reason, much less after the time you spent here when you
were sick, but maybe find a way to get her to go to Polis or something.
Find a way to help her, and do it fast, I don’t like seeing her like this.
-Octavia
The Commander frowned at the letter in her hands, concern quickly filling her veins as she stood
up and walked out towards Marcus’ quarters. Knowing she was the source of Raven’s unrest didn’t
sit well with her, she had to do something to help her friend.
She reached her destination and walked in without knocking, finding Marcus quietly conversing
with the Shallow Valley Ambassador.
“Commander,” they both said at once, rising from their seats and offering her a court bow.
“I wish to speak with Marcus in private,” the Commander said, not needing to say much else to get
the other ambassador to leave.
“What is it, Commander?”
“You have a communication device here, yes? A radio?”
“Yes, I use it to keep in touch with Abby and the rest of the council.”
“Good, I need you to speak to Doctor Griffin and tell her that I need Raven to come to the Capital
within the day, I am sure your vehicles can accomplish such feat,” the Commander said, not
missing Marcus’ confused frown.
“Of course, I will speak to Abby right away, may I know why you wish Raven to come here in
such short notice? Is there something wrong?”
“Fear not, there is no issue, I just need someone with Raven’s knowledge here, that is all.”
“Okay, I will get in touch with Abby right away.”
………………….
“Raven?” Abby said as she made her way inside the omega’s workplace. The omega was asleep at
her desk, her head resting on both her arms. Abby sighed, she knew about the nightmares and she
had offered to help, but Raven hadn’t taken the medication she had to offer.
“Raven,” Abby said again, placing a hand on the Mechanic’s back. The omega straightened up at
once, blinking quickly and trying to convince Abby that she had been awake all along.
“I’m up, I’m up,” Raven said, rubbing at her eye with the back of her fist.
“Marcus reached out; the Commander wants you in the Capital within the day.”
Raven eyes widened, she continued to blink quickly, trying to rid her mind of the fog that was
currently covering it.
“What? Why?”
“She didn’t say, she just demanded your presence at the Capital. I understand if you are too tired to
go-”
“No, no, I’m fine, I can go,” Raven rushed to say, “I want to go anyway, I want to see if she is
recovering well.”
“I have updated you on her recovery every day Raven, the same reports Jackson has given me I
have given to you,” Abby said, a knowing look in her eye as she looked back at the omega.
“I know, but hearing it is not the same as seeing it with my own eyes. It’s still early, can I pack
quickly and go?”
“You can take your time, Raven, she wants you there within the day, but that doesn’t mean you
have to rush-”
“It’s fine, Abby, it’s fine, just make sure the rover is ready, I just need 15 minutes to pack,” Raven
said, not even waiting for Abby to respond before she left towards her room.
………………………….
It was very late when she finally made it to Polis, the streets were empty, the people having
retreated to their homes long ago. Raven didn’t expect to see the Commander right away, she
hoped for her to be sleeping and so she took a deep breath and tried to relax, she would see the
Commander tomorrow.
She was about to walk past the Commander’s quarters and towards the room she usually used
when a guard made her stop in her tracks.
“Heda is waiting for you, we have orders to bring you to her right away.”
“Okay,” Raven said, trying to contain her smile as she moved towards the Commander’s room.
The guards were sure to announce her first and in moments the doors were opening and closing
behind her, leaving her standing in the Commander’s room, facing the alpha.
“Hey,” Raven said with a small smile, her tired eyes meeting vibrant green ones.
“Hello, Raven,” the Commander said, moving quickly to relieve the omega of the weight of her
bag. “Please, sit down, I know the trip here must have been tiring for you.”
“It was fine, I was just surprised, you usually don’t summon me here so urgently, what’s going
on?” Raven asked as she sat on the Commander’s bed, regarding the room, it was quite different
from how it usually looked, there were fewer candles to lit up the room and the bed seemed to be
covered by a new variety of furs and pillows. There was also a pottery burner, allowing for the
soothing smell of some kind of herb to flood the room.
“It has been brought to my attention that you have been having trouble sleeping and that your
dreams are related to me,” the Commander began, tilting her head down to better catch Raven’s
gaze. “Keeping in mind the things I have done to you in the past I can understand why you are
having such troubling dreams, which is why I summoned you here, I wish to try and help you sleep
better. I have a warm bath prepared for you, I have a very effective tea ready for you to drink
before bed, I got different types of furs and pillows so you might choose those that will make
sleeping most comfortable to you, I also got you some oils that work well to calm the mind and
relax the body, and I had Lana find the most comfortable sleeping gowns our markets have to offer.
I would have liked to get them done for you, but with so little time I had to settle with getting the
ones that were up for trade at the markets. I also spent the afternoon making you this,” the
Commander said, grabbing a weird-looking object from her night table and offering it to Raven. It
was some kind of hoop, with a net or web woven at its center, there were also a few feathers
hanging from it. “I read a few books trying to find things that would help and stumbled upon this
object, a dreamcatcher, it is said that this object will act as a filter for your dreams, the nightmares
will get caught in the web, and only the good dreams and thoughts will be able to pass through-”
“Hey, wait, hey,” Raven said, stopping the Commander before she could continue speaking, she
didn’t think she had ever heard the Commander talking so much in just one sitting, and she
couldn’t help the rush of warmth in her chest at the Commander’s gesture, at all the effort she had
put in finding different things that would help her sleep. “Thank you, for all of this, I appreciate it,
but you need to know that my dreams have nothing to do with the things you have done to me in
the past.”
“No?” the Commander said, confused, “but Octavia mentioned that your nightmares were about
me, I thought you were relieving the pain I have put you through.”
“No, no,” Raven said at once, feeling like she needed to punch Octavia in the face, “I have had
nightmares about you, but they aren’t about that, it’s something else,” Raven said, feeling a little
sick to her stomach just by thinking about it.
“Something else,” the Commander said, a tiny frown forming in the middle of her brows, it was the
little frown Raven loved so much and the omega had to fight the urge to smooth it out with her
fingers. “Have I unknowingly hurt you?”
“No, it’s nothing like that,” Raven said with a sigh, knowing that she would have to explain the
nightmares to Lexa so she would stop thinking she had somehow provoked them. “In my
nightmares, you are always being executed, I try to tell everyone that you didn’t hurt me, that I
chose freely to be with you and that it wasn’t something I did out of fear, but no one ever believes
me. It doesn’t matter how much I fight and scream, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, they always
kill you right in front of me.”
“Oh,” the Commander said, not saying much else for a little while, her face was colored with
surprise and confusion, her brain having a little trouble understanding the meaning behind Raven’s
words. “I did not believe my death would be so troubling for you,” she said and Raven felt her
heart squeeze in her chest. She knew why the Commander thought that way, because she had been
raised as a vessel, a replaceable one, and because the moment she died someone else would be
there ready to take her place.
“Of course, it is troubling for me, you are my friend, remember?” Raven said, bumping her
shoulder against the Commander’s. “I care about you, I don’t want to see you hurt.”
“I’m sorry, Raven, I can’t promise you I will be okay. Thank you for caring, that is very
meaningful to me,” the Commander said, looking back at the omega with concerned green eyes.
“Don’t apologize for that, I know it is not something you can control, just try your best to be safe,
okay?” Raven asked, and the Commander tilted her head down in a nod.
“You must not worry, I made sure your people would be safe in the event of my passing,” the
alpha said, and Raven let out a long sigh.
“It’s not about that, really, it’s just about you, I want you to be safe. That is all,” Raven said slowly,
keeping her tone gentle, willing the Commander to understand.
“Just about me…” the Commander said, trying the words in her mouth, they felt foreign in her
tongue as if she had never used them before. “I am very honored to have you care for me, though I
would prefer if you stopped so that your nightmares would go away, I don’t want you to be in any
pain.”
“Yeah,” Raven said with a small smile, “that’s not how it works, getting hurt is always a risk when
you allow yourself to care about someone, it’s like what the fox said to the little prince,
remember?”
“One runs the risk of weeping a little if one lets himself be tamed,” the Commander whispered,
receiving a nod in response from Raven. “I don’t want you to weep for me, ever.”
“I already decided to take that risk,” Raven said strongly, watching the Commander’s eyes widen
in response. “And I know you have already made your choice as well.”
“It doesn’t feel like a choice,” the Commander said, and Raven frowned slightly.
“I am not sure I would be able to choose not to care for you, Raven. After knowing you… how
could I not care about you?” the alpha whispered, tilting her head down so her eyes could better
look into Raven’s.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, the warmth in her chest spreading, dripping down to
her stomach and settling there.
“I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable.”
“You didn’t, but you did make me want to kiss you,” Raven whispered, leaning forwards, her nose
brushing against the alpha’s.
“May I?” the Commander asked, not daring to move a single muscle until she was sure Raven
would be okay with her getting so close.
Raven didn’t give her a verbal answer, she just closed the remaining gap between them, fitting her
mouth to the Commander’s lips.
The alpha was tense at first, her arms stiff at her sides, not daring to move them, to touch Raven in
any way that would be inappropriate. Raven didn’t miss it; she cupped the Commander’s jaw and
massage it with the pads of her thumbs.
“Touch me, please,” she mumbled against the alpha’s lips, desperate for her touch, for the feeling
of her strong arms against her skin.
Lexa pulled back, separating them so she could look deeply into Raven’s eyes.
“Are you sure?” Lexa asked intently, not moving her eyes away from the omega’s, trying to find
even a trace of doubt in her face.
“Yes, I am sure,” Raven said, hating Clarke just a little bit more, she knew exactly where Lexa’s
hesitation came from.
“You can tell me to stop anytime, okay? Even at the last possible second, you can tell me stop and
I will stop,” Lexa said, giving Raven unnecessary assurances, “I won’t be angry, I won’t hurt you
or do anything against you.”
“I know,” Raven said, cupping the Commander’s cheeks with her hands, “I won’t want you to stop,
I never want you to stop,” Raven said, swallowing the Commander’s next words with her tongue.
Even with Raven’s reassurances, their dynamic didn’t quite go back to being how it was before.
The Commander didn’t lift her and throw her against the pillows, she didn’t suck bruises over her
neck, or ripped off her underwear. No, instead she was careful and controlled, hesitant, her hands
hardly moving below her waistline, or above her abdominal area. Every kiss and every touch felt
like a question, and her whole body was tense and stiff to the point of pain as if she was ready to
jump off of Raven at any given moment.
For the first time since they had started sleeping together, Raven had to undress herself, and she
had to move the Commander’s hands where she wanted them to be even if she knew that the
Commander was very aware of what she liked.
“Please, Lexa,” Raven begged, she was completely bare in the Commander’s furs, her legs spread
open in a clear invitation that the Commander was hesitant to take. She was still fully clothed,
having only taken her boots off. “Make me come.”
“Are you sure?” she asked once more, her eyes concerned as she placed a hand on Raven’s thigh.
“Yes, fuck, yes... please, just fuck me,”
“Is it okay if I use my mouth?” the Commander asked, placing chaste kisses down the column of
Raven’s neck.
Raven let out a low moan at the question, the mere thought of having the Commander’s lips
around her clit was enough to make a gush of wetness drip between her legs.
“Yes, yes, I love your mouth, just do it, please,” Raven said, the hairs in the back of her arms
standing on end as she watched the Commander move lower and lower, her hands massaging her
thighs for a moment before she lowered her face to the Mechanic’s cunt.
“Fuck!” Raven cried out, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as the Commander’s lips closed
around her clit, kissing it with passion. The small bud was hard as a rock, enjoying the constant
feeling of the Commander’s tongue flicking against it, drawing tight circles over and over again,
until Raven was writhing over the furs, her hands pulling at the fabric as she forced her hips not to
buck against the alpha’s mouth.
For a moment the Commander moved even lower, her tongue tracing the omega’s entrance, before
she allowed herself to push inside, the enticing taste of the omega flooding her mouth as she
continued to push her tongue in and out. Raven let out a low groan, one of her hands holding onto
the back of the Commander’s head, keeping her from moving away. She could feel her clit pulsing
to the beat of her heart as the Commander continued her ministrations, the warmth that developed
low in her belly only continued to develop, getting hotter and hotter with every caress of the
Commander’s tongue against her center.
Raven knew the end would come when the Commander moved a few inches higher, her mouth
enveloping her clit once more, sucking it into her mouth and strongly pressing against it with the
tip of her tongue. Each stroke came faster, harder than the one before, the Commander barely
having any time to take a proper breath when she sucked on the omega’s clit once more, she sucked
hard, not letting go, feeling Raven’s legs tighten around her head as the omega shouted her pleasure
up to the ceiling. Her toes curled and her back arched up from the bed, eyes screwed shut as she
felt heat rush up her body, electricity shooting down her legs, leaving her shaking under the
Commander’s body.
The alpha stayed right where she was, lapping gently at the omega’s center, helping her ride the
aftershocks of her orgasm until she was too sensitive to have the Commander’s mouth against her.
As soon as Raven pushed half-heartedly at her shoulder the Commander moved away, placing soft
kisses to Raven’s abdomen as she moved up and towards her heaving chest. Lexa was gentle to
place a kiss to the omega’s racing heart, pulling back and giving her some space to breathe.
“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, her eyes moving all over the omega’s face, trying to find any signs of
discomfort.
“Yes, I’m more than okay, I’d be better if you were naked, though.”
“I don’t have to do that, I’m okay like this. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“Lexa,” Raven said with a sigh, “I know it’s very hard for you to do this after everything that
happened, but you must see how much I want you, can’t you see how much I want to be with you
like this?”
“I’m sorry. Before everything, I thought you wanted this, I thought you enjoyed it, and then she
made me believe all of it was a lie. After that, I spent so much time feeling nothing but disgust
when I looked at myself in the mirror, when I thought about what I had done to you with my own
hands… And now, I can’t do this without those thoughts in the back of my head. And I heard you
when you said you had never felt forced to do this with me, I heard you... but it is difficult to come
to terms with it,” the Commander said, looking down at Raven with an apology in her eyes.
“Please, trust me, and trust yourself,” Raven said as she gripped the hem of the Commander’s shirt,
pulling it up and over the alpha’s head. “I enjoy doing this with you, I love your body, I love
feeling it against mine and I love having you inside of me. Look me in the eye, do you think I’m
lying?” Raven asked as she swiftly untied the Commander’s bindings. “Can’t you see how much I
want you?” the omega asked, her voice low and husky as she took the Commander’s hand in her
own, pushing it down until it was cupping her center. “I want you so much it’s honestly starting to
hurt.”
“Will you tell me if I’m doing something wrong? Will you tell me to stop if I am hurting you?”
“I will, but we both know you already know what I like. I trust you with my body, Lexa, I do, and I
would want you to fuck me right now.”
The Commander stood from the bed, taking off her pants and her undershorts in one swift motion
before crawling on top of Raven once more.
“You are sure?” the alpha asked once more as she positioned herself between Raven’s legs. The
omega’s mouth watered at the sight alone, the Commander was right there, completely bare, small
beads of sweat dripping between her breasts and rolling down her hard abs, they contracted over
and over again with the rhythm of her breathing.
“Yes,” Raven said, gasping when the Commander grabbed her by the hips and pulled her closer to
herself. The alpha took hold of Raven’s legs, kneeling between them and lifting Raven’s calves
until they were both resting on her shoulders. “Yes, yes, yes,” Raven said, her heart jumping in
excitement when the Commander leaned forwards, leaning her hands against the furs, she knew
that when she pushed in it would feel deeper than ever before.
And she was not wrong.
The Commander pressed the tip of her shaft against Raven’s entrance, feeling the thickness of her
cock being consumed by the hot walls of the omega’s channel.
“Fuckin hell!” Raven gasped, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she felt the base of
Commander’s cock press against her center, the head of her cock buried as deep as it could go.
Soon enough she started to move, slow at first, rolling her hips against Raven’s, torturing her
slowly as her cock pressed against the omega, waiting until she accommodated to the intrusion of
her shaft. Then she started thrusting, she pulled her cock almost all the way out before slamming
back in, making Raven’s whole body shake with the strength of the impact. Lexa knew well that
Raven didn’t like it soft, she didn’t like it slow or gentle, she liked it as intense and as hard as Lexa
could make it, and the alpha would be damned if she didn’t give Raven her best.
Soon the constant slap of the wooden bed frame against the wall was muffled by Raven’s cries of
pleasure. Fire was burning hot in her gut, her breathing short and shallow as she felt her walls start
to squeeze and flutter around the Commander’s cock.
“Lexa, please, fuck!” Raven cried out, throwing her head back at a particularly powerful thrust, she
could feel the climax building, each thrust adding to it, making the wave of pleasure higher and
bigger, Raven knew that when it finally crashed against her, it would pull her under, drowning her,
swallowing her whole.
The alpha looked down, looking into Raven’s dilated pupils, blown with lust, begging for release.
She knew she couldn’t deny, she knew she would do anything in her power to give the omega what
she needed, so she tightened her jaw and held onto the omega’s behind, her fingers pressing hard
against her skin as she tilted Raven’s pelvis upward, lifting her from the bed and making her thrusts
impossibly deeper. In seconds Raven’s body tensed, her eyes widening at the change of the angle,
something inside of her snapped violently and her body was overtaken by tremors, her eyesight
spotting with white.
She shuddered in the Commander’s arms, letting out a low moan as her walls clamped hard around
the alpha’s shaft, triggering the alpha’s orgasm and forcing her to spill her seed inside the omega’s
channel, prolonging Raven’s climax, making it even stronger than before. Raven fell limply against
the furs, her head lolling to the side as her eyes rolled to the back of her head, her chest heaving up
and down as the Commander pressed lazy kisses against her collarbones.
“Are you okay?” the alpha whispered, her lips traveling up the omega’s neck and settling by her
ear. “Did I hurt you?” She asked, placing a soft kiss under the omega’s ear, and lowering her legs
back towards the furs.
“No, you didn’t hurt me,” Raven said, bringing Lexa down for a kiss and swallowing all her
concerns with a lazy kiss, “I’m perfect,” Raven whispered, holding the back of the Commander’s
neck to keep her close, her fingers burying in soft hair.
“That’s good,” the Commander mumbled, her arms feeling more than a little tired, and her head
feeling extremely heavy. She let herself fall on her side beside Raven, trying to free her arms from
holding up her weight.
“You okay?” Raven asked, cupping the Commander’s jaw with concern, she looked a little pale
and shaky, and she was never that tired after the first round. But she was still recovering, wasn’t
she? Abby had said she would be feeling exhausted and worn for quite some time, why didn’t she
think of that? “Shit, I’m sorry, maybe you are not recovered enough to do this yet.”
“No, no, I’m fine,” the Commander said, turning her face so she could drop a kiss to Raven’s palm.
“I just need a moment.”
“Maybe it would be a good idea to take that bath that you mentioned before and go to bed, we both
need to rest,” Raven said and the Commander nodded at once, picking Raven up in her arms before
the omega could get up from the bed. “Hey, hey, you need to rest as well, I’m sure carrying me is
not helping,” Raven said, feeling the Commander’s arms shake under her weight.
“The bathroom is not too far, the water was boiling when the tub was filled, hopefully by now the
temperature will be more bearable but not cold,” the Commander said as she stepped into her
bathroom.
The strong smell of something herbal was quick to meet Raven’s nostrils. She breathed in deep and
closed her eyes, it was heavenly.
“That smells nice,” Raven said, as the Commander gently lowered her to the bathtub.
“The bath was prepared with lavender and other plants with similar calming properties, I hoped
they would help you sleep better,” the alpha said as she kneeled by the tub. “Should I bring more
hot water?”
“No, it’s perfect just like this, thank you,” Raven said, looking back at the alpha with a small
smile, “won’t you get in?”
“No, the bath is for you, I’ll clean up once you are in bed resting.”
“Don’t be silly, just get in, there’s no reason for you not to.”
“Don’t you want some space for yourself? I can give you some privacy,” the alpha offered and
Raven shook her head, glancing at the naked woman kneeling by her side.
“I would rather lay back against those gorgeous abs of yours, if that’s okay with you,” Raven said,
smiling wide at the pink flush that tinted the Commander’s small ears.
“Oh, yes, that’s okay,” Lexa said, standing up and getting into the tub, sitting down with Raven
between her legs. The omega was quick to lay back, resting against the Commander’s chest. “I
hope you sleep well tonight.”
“If those orgasms you just gave me don’t chase away my nightmares, nothing will,” Raven said
with a chuckle, tilting her head back so she could look up at Lexa. The alpha looked back at her
with a small smile.
“The sex, the tea, the bath… I don’t know what will help and what won't, I just want you to have a
good night, why didn’t you mention these nightmares on your letters, I would have tried to help
sooner.”
“They started as soon as you left and you had just told me how your recoveries usually go when
you are here. I didn’t want to add anything else to the things you already have to deal with
regularly,” Raven said honestly, looking away from Lexa for a moment.
“It wouldn’t have been a bother, we are responsible for the things we tame, yes?” the Commander
said, nudging Raven’s cheek with the tip of her nose, prompting the omega to look at her.
“Yes,” Raven said with a smile, her tired brown eyes meeting light green ones. “Yes, we are.”
“Okay, then I hope for you to tell me when something is going on with you so that I can offer you
my assistance.”
“Okay, I will keep that in mind,” Raven said, staying quiet for a moment before a thought crossed
her mind. “I think we got one good thing out of all this mess.”
“Of course, Raven, your friendship is precious to me,” Lexa said easily, the words rolling off of
her tongue with no hesitation. Raven turned her head to look at her, a small smile on her lips.
“You can’t say things like that, you are making me want to kiss you again,” Raven said, leaning in
to press a soft kiss to the alpha’s lips.
“Was that not what you were referring to?” Lexa asked, her arms hesitantly moving to wrap around
the omega’s waist.
“Well, our friendship definitely is one good thing that came out of this mess, but I was referring to
the fact that we will have to have a lot of sex until you are completely sure about how much I
enjoy myself with you. There is no other choice, we must have sex, what else can we do?” Raven
said, looking back at the Commander with playful eyes.
“Oh, of course,” Lexa said, a very serious expression on her face as she tried to follow Raven’s
lead, “I thoroughly apologize, I know how hard that must be for you.”
“Yes, for sure, all those orgasms you will give me, life is so hard!” Raven said, leaning her head
back against Lexa’s shoulder and throwing her arm over her eyes in a very dramatic gesture that
made the Commander let out a small laugh. “Seriously though,” Raven said then, “I don’t want
you to feel this hesitant and unsure every time we are together, because I don’t plan to stop having
sex with you. And I know everything that happened was pretty hard for you, I don’t expect you to
be okay so fast, but like, if there is anything I can do to help and make you feel how much I enjoy
what we do, you need to tell me, okay?”
“Yes, I’m sorry if I ask you the same things over and over again, I just need to be sure, and I need
you to tell me if anything is feeling wrong for you,” the Commander said and Raven nodded.
“I get it, if asking me over and over again if I am okay, or if I am sure helps you, then please, ask
as many times as you need to. My answer is always going to be the same, I am always ready to
have sex with you, you are that attractive,” Raven said easily, smiling to herself when she saw the
alpha blush, her eyes moving away from Raven’s in a shy gesture. “Come on, you must know you
are attractive.”
“It is not something I often think of, but I do think about how beautiful you are,” the Commander
said, all trace of shyness gone as she looked directly into Raven’s eyes. “Your eyes, they turn gold
when the light of the sun hits them just right, did you know that?”
“No, not really,” Raven said, feeling her cheeks burn and thanking the gods for her complexion,
whatever blush she sported wouldn’t be too noticeable.
“They look like fire, like dancing flames, I’m trying to decide if they are my favorite thing about
you,” Lexa said, and Raven bit her lip, trying to decide if she should make a teasing comment to
chase away the funny feeling in her stomach.
“Why can’t you decide? Is my ass too distracting?” Raven said, trying to break the moment they
were having, she couldn’t take it, the warmth in her chest was spreading too quickly and she didn’t
know what to do.
“No, I do find it gorgeous, I do, but your smile is the only real competition your eyes have. Your
smile is beautiful, I feel like the sun is rising every time you do it, and I feel lucky and honored
every time it is directed at me... Like now,” the Commander whispered, cupping Raven’s cheek
and brushing her thumb over the corner of her lips.
“You really, really, can’t say things like that,” Raven said, closing her eyes and letting her lips
meet Lexa’s. The position was a little awkward, as they weren’t facing each other, Raven’s back
was facing the Commander’s chest and so she had to twist her neck sideways to be able to kiss her.
And once she started kissing her… how could she ever stop?
Lexa’s scent was thick in her nose, her taste heavenly on the tip of Raven’s tongue, her hands
gentle as they caressed her abdomen. How could she ever stop?
She held onto the Commander’s hands and brought them up to her breasts, until the alpha was
holding one in each of her palms, kneading them and massaging them with her fingers, their kiss
becoming more desperate with each brush of Lexa’s thumbs against her nipples.
Soon enough Raven was pushing one of those hands down and towards the place she needed it the
most, the hand freezing right before it reached her center, their kiss breaking.
“Can I?” the Commander asked, her fingers splayed over Raven’s pelvic bone.
“Yes,” Raven said, cupping the back of Lexa’s neck and letting their lips meet again.
The kiss was broken by a loud moan, Raven’s breathing too erratic to be able to maintain the lock
for more than a couple of seconds. Two of the Commander’s fingers were inside of her, and her
thumb was insistently pressing against her clit. Raven could do nothing but throw her head back
and feel the pleasure build in her gut as the Commander massaged her breast and sucked bruising
kisses to the side of her neck. The water was warm around them and dripped over the edges of the
tub with the sharp movements of the Commander’s wrist.
It just took a couple more seconds, a sharp pinch to the little bud atop her breast, a hard press
against her clit, a stinging bite to the side of her neck, and in moments she was coming once more,
her cries loud in Lexa’s ear.
By the time she came down from her high, the Commander was still pressing her lips gently to the
side of her neck, running her tongue over the indentations her teeth had left over Raven’s skin. She
was so good at that, Raven thought, at biting hard enough for it to feel fucking amazing, but also
soft enough to not break the skin.
“How are you so good at this? You haven’t been with anyone in years,” Raven asked between
gulps of air.
“I was trained as a Second before I was trained to become Heda, Raven, all a Second must know is
how to follow instructions,” the Commander said, and Raven turned to look at her with a lazy
smile on her face.
“It doesn’t bother you? To have me tell you what to do sometimes when we do this?”
“Not at all, I only have one goal when we do this, I only want one thing… Nothing feels better than
watching you fall apart in my arms-”
“Stop, stop, stop, I feel too sensitive, I can’t handle one more, so stop saying things that make me
want to kiss you,” Raven said and Lexa looked back at her with amusement.
“How will I know what will make you feel that way?” the Commander asked with an arched
eyebrow.
“I have no idea,” Raven said, a big smile making its way to her lips, “I guess the only solution to
all of this is to kiss a lot,” Raven rested her head back against Lexa’s shoulder, covering her mouth
with a fake horrified expression. “What a tragedy!”
The Commander let out a short laugh, amused by Raven’s antics. She then got to her feet, getting
out of the tub to see Raven looking back at her with a pout.
“You must rest, Raven,” the Commander said, drying herself quickly before offering her hand to
the omega. Raven stood up, her grip tight around the alpha’s forearm, without her brace her leg
would do next to nothing to hold her up.
“But we were having fun!”
“I know, and I can do my best to please you, but I must be honest and say that my body it’s not at
its best right now,” the alpha said, looking away for a moment in shame.
“Hey, no, don’t be like that,” Raven said, cupping the Commander’s cheeks and tilting her head up
so their eyes would meet again. “I know you are still recovering, I’m being a dick, my bad, really,”
Raven said, letting her hand travel down the Commander’s body and rest over the raised scar that
had been left after her appendix was removed. “How are you doing? Is Jackson doing a good job
keeping an eye on you?”
“I’m doing as well as it can be expected, according to both Jackson and Doctor Griffin, I will keep
feeling quite worn and exhausted for quite some time, it should go away eventually, but perhaps
our recent activities are enough for me, for today at least.”
“Sure, sure, we both should get some sleep,” Raven said, accepting the Commander’s help to walk
back towards the bedroom.
The alpha offered her a sleeping gown, Raven put it on and marveled at the softness of the fabric.
She had never worn anything as soft, or as pretty as the gown that she put on in that moment.
“I’m sorry if it is a little loose,” the Commander said as she put on her undershorts and a shirt, “if I
had had more time, I would have had them made to your exact measurements.”
“Are you kidding? this is perfect, I love it!”
“Yes?”
“Yes!” Raven said, rubbing her hands against the fabric. “You didn’t need to do any of this.”
“Yes, I did. Being comfortable is important to get a good night of rest. Please, lay down,” the alpha
said, and Raven was quick to get into bed.
After that, came the process of choosing furs and pillows, the Commander had gotten a great
variety of them so Raven would choose the ones she liked the most.
“Hey,” Raven said once she was resting back against the pillows and covered by soft blankets up to
her neck, “Thank you, you didn’t have to do any of this.”
“I did, it would be wrong for you to wake up in the middle of the night because you are too hot, or
too cold, or because your neck is hurting.”
“You have slept under worse conditions,” Raven said with arched eyebrows.
“And that has allowed me to learn how to sleep under any circumstances, that doesn’t need to be
the case for you,” Lexa said, bringing Raven a steaming cup of tea. “Drink this, it will help,” Lexa
said, making sure Raven had a good grip on the cup before grabbing the dreamcatcher and hanging
it on the headboard right above Raven’s head. “I will be right over there if you need anything,
okay?” Lexa said, pointing towards the nearest couch.
“What? You aren’t sleeping here with me?”
“No, my room is the most comfortable one in this tower, because it is mine, I can’t give it to you
and sleep in the room that is usually yours, but no one will ask questions about you sleeping here
as long as I am here as well. You can take my bed and I can take the couch,” the Commander said
seriously, making the familiar feeling of fondness and endearment bubble up in Raven’s chest.
“Come on, don’t be ridiculous, your bed is enormous, there’s no reason for you not to sleep here
with me.”
“I might move in my sleep, I might grab you without knowing, I wouldn’t want to do anything that
would hurt you, or upset you,” Lexa said and Raven cursed Clarke in her head for the millionth
time.
“We both know you barely breathe when you are sleeping, and we both know that I wouldn’t mind
if you did touch me in your sleep, please, grab away,” Raven said with a smile, hoping for the
serious expression on the Commander’s face to go away.
It didn’t quite work.

“Hey, really, I wouldn’t mind it if you grabbed me in your sleep, you would be unconscious, it’s
not like you would be doing it on purpose and I know that. You can sleep with me, I promise I
won’t be mad if you grab me,” Raven said, trying to be reassuring.
“You are sure?”
“Yeah, I am sure, I swear. Come, get into bed,” Raven said, waiting until the Commander had
settled into bed before she finished her tea.
It didn’t matter how tired they were, how heavy their bodies felt, after a few minutes they noticed
none of them would be able to fall asleep. Raven rolled onto her side, facing the alpha, her eyes
settling on the thick scar that somehow had made its way to the place just above the Commander’s
left collarbone, two or three inches to the right and whatever pierced the skin there would have
punctured her neck instead.
“How did this happen?” Raven asked, reaching out to trace the scar with her fingertips.
“My advisors, they wanted me to spread my seed,” the Commander said, and Raven frowned, both
because she knew that the Commander hadn’t slept with anyone since Costia, and because she
didn’t know how having sex could relate to that scar.
“How does that relate to the scar?”
“My lack of intercourse with everyone that offered themselves to me was heavily frowned upon by
my advisors and Titus,” Lexa said, her tone bitter.
“They wanted you to sleep around?” Raven said with her eyebrows arched, that had been a
surprise, though she had already reached that conclusion from what the alpha had said moments
before.
“Yes, they wanted me to spread my seed, to ensure that the Nightblood gene would be passed on
and that everything that makes me who I am would be passed on as well. They would allow
omegas and even some betas to present themselves to me. They would sometimes let them into my
rooms in hopes that I would relent after seeing them bare in my furs,” Lexa said, her face twisted in
disgust.
“You made them stop?” Raven asked, feeling quite disgusted herself. Lexa’s advisors had done
those things knowing well that Lexa wouldn’t like it and that it would make her uncomfortable,
that was wrong in so many ways.
“I tried, I told them I wasn’t pleased with it, but it is not like I can punish my advisors for placing
an omega in my rooms. They stopped when one of those omegas tried to kill me,” Lexa said and
Raven’s eyes widened.
“What?”
“The scar… I had already turned in for the night when she came in, I tried to be gentle, I take no
pleasure on rejecting them and making them feel unworthy. She was particularly insistent, pushed
me onto the bed and crawled on top of me, I didn’t want to use force because I knew I would hurt
her and because I believed she was only doing what my advisors had told her to. Those situations
always made me quite uncomfortable and with her being more forceful than the others I wasn’t
sure how to respond. She saw that I was thrown off by her attitude...” Lexa said and Raven could
only stare at her horrified.
The alpha in front of her was constantly harassed and abused, and all of it was prompted by her
advisors, by the people who were supposed to look out for her. Raven felt like she was going to be
sick.
“...I remember she had managed to force down one of my arms with her leg and that with the other
I was still trying to keep her at arm’s length, everything happened quite fast but I still recognized
the glint of a blade against the moonlight so I got to move slightly when she brought it down,”
Lexa said reaching for Raven’s hand and pressing it to her left collarbone where the thick scar was.
“She aimed for the neck, but when I moved it sank on the muscle on top my collarbone, thankfully
it missed the bone, it was a painful injury and a deep one but it was harmless,” Lexa said as Raven
felt the scar under her fingertips, she had seen it before, she just didn’t know where it had come
from.
“Anyone with that kind of behavior would have been executed back in space,” Raven said, unable
to stop herself from shifting into an expression of anger and disgust.
“Here too, but the omegas that got insistent with me got no punishments because their actions were
supported by the advisors and because as Commander my body doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to
my people and my people need the Nightblood gene to be passed on.”
“So, they stopped because you almost got killed, not because you were against the whole thing.
They should have stopped as soon as they saw you were not okay with it,” Raven said, outraged.
“I did not intend to upset you,” Lexa said, seeing how angry Raven had gotten.
“You are not upsetting me, your advisors, whoever they are, are the ones upsetting me,” Raven
said, “They are a bunch of assholes.”
“Things are how they are… Even if the injury was painful, I feel like the whole situation had a
good outcome, she didn’t kill me and because the assassination attempts no other omega has been
allowed into my rooms.”
“Wait a second,” Raven said, moving away from Lexa. “You are okay with what we are doing
right?”
“Yes, Raven. If I hadn’t been comfortable with it, I would have stopped it,” Lexa said, smiling a
little at Raven’s concern.
“What made it different with me?” Raven asked, feeling more than a little curious.
“Many things. I knew you didn’t want to sleep with me for the glory of carrying Heda’s seed, I
knew my advisors hadn’t pushed you to present yourself to me. And most of all, what you said
before kissing me all those months ago” Lexa said. “You told me that I deserved to feel better too,
you made it about me and it’s been years since anyone made anything about me.”
“Wait, does this mean that I get some kind of prize for sleeping with you?” Raven asked teasingly,
a smile playing at the corner of her lips. Lexa smiled back, wider than Raven had ever seen.
“Because if that’s the case I won’t turn it back, I want my prize.”
“You’d probably get a prize if you carried my seed, and you have mentioned that’s not something
you’d like,” Lexa said, her eyes showing amusement as she looked at Raven.
“I am so not getting pregnant, babies are too much work.”
“That’s not why I said it, but yes, babies are a lot of work,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.
“Why did you say it then?”
“You deserve happiness, a proper family, a partner that will be there for you and will be able to
care for the child with you,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.
“Did you have a proper family?”
“No,” Lexa said.
“Well, neither did I and I think we turned out just fine,” Raven said, lying back against the pillows
and closing her eyes.
“Are you saying you would be willing to carry my children?”
Raven almost choked with her own spit, her eyes widened and she started sputtering like a fish out
of water. Lexa watched her for a few seconds before she started laughing, her eyes fell closed and a
quiet laugh left her lips, her cheeks got a little red and Raven watched as she covered her mouth
with one of her hands.
“That was not funny,” Raven said, but there was a smile on her lips.
“Yes, it was,” the Commander said, “do not worry, Raven, I’m sure the implant you have will keep
you from having any unwanted pups. You should have seen Titus face when I mentioned this
implant to him.”
“He hated it, didn’t he?” Raven asked with a smile on her face.
“Yes, when I started sharing intercourse with you, he was overjoyed, thought that I had finally
relented and that I would be open to giving my seed to other omegas. He thought you would be the
first to carry one of my pups, and then I mentioned the implant… I don’t think he has been
anywhere near that angry since that day.”
“Damn, I wish I had been here to see his ugly face go red with anger. Has he been giving you any
trouble? About us? About anything?”
“No, not about you, we had an argument about the way I left the capital when I was sick, I didn’t
want to mention how you and Octavia took me out of the city, that could have gotten you both in
trouble, so I told him I had decided to leave without telling him instead. It was an unpleasant
argument, but I have it all under control,” Lexa said, trying to convince Raven that everything was
okay.
“You should have told him we did it, I wanted to have some words with him about how he handled
your condition. He was negligent, he knows about our superior medical expertise, he knew we
could have helped from the beginning and still he refused to reach for help.”
“It’s not all on him, Raven, I didn’t want to ask you for help either, you know why,” Lexa said
gently, not wanting to revisit that subject.
“Yeah, I know,” Raven whispered, “but that’s not going to happen again, right?”
“No, I promise that if anything happens to me, Doctor Griffin will be notified right away,” Lexa
said, her eyes heavy as they looked back into Raven’s own.
“Good,” Raven said, covering her mouth to avoid yawning in the Commander’s face. “Maybe it’s
time to get some sleep.”
“Yes, rest well, Raven. I will be right here if you need anything,” Lexa said, leaving enough space
for another person to fit between them. Raven sighed a little to herself, deciding not to push the
subject.
“I know,” Raven said, offering the alpha a smile before closing her eyes.
……………………………
The tea, the bath, the furs, the sex… none of it seemed to matter, for when Raven slipped into a
deep sleep she was taken to the same awful scene. It was always the same, she would try to do her
best, she would scream her throat raw and fight against the guards holding her until her arms were
sore and bruised… but it always ended the same way. With Lexa dead, her severed head rolling
over the floor and bumping against Raven’s knees.
She woke up, sobbing so hard she couldn’t breathe, gasping for air and coughing when it got stuck
in her throat.
“Raven, please… I’m right here…” A voice filtered in, and there she was, the Commander of the
13 Clans, her eyes glassy and her brows furrowed with concern, one of her arms around Raven’s
back while the other moved up so her hand could cup her cheek and try to catch the fast current of
tears that fell from her eyes.
Raven was quick to throw herself at her, burying her face against the crook of her neck and letting
her tears soak the Commander’s shirt.
“Please, don’t cry,” the Commander whispered, leaning her head against Raven’s, her arms curling
up around the omega’s middle as she held her in a comforting embrace. “I’m really sorry, please,
don’t cry.”
“Don’t say you are sorry, just don’t, please,” Raven said, knowing well those had been some of the
words the Commander had managed to say in her dream.
She pressed herself even closer to the Commander’s body, with every breath she filled her lungs
with the Commander’s scent, and somehow that made breathing a little bit easier.
“I really love- your hair- you know?” Raven managed to say between hiccups. Her hands moving
up to caress the soft strands of the Commander’s wavy locks. “It’s so pretty,” Raven whispered, a
knot building in her throat when the image of the Commander’s wounded scalp flashed behind her
eyes. They had cut all her hair off, and it had fallen at her feet on the dirty ground.
“Please, Raven, what can I do to help you?” the alpha asked desperately, she nuzzled her nose
against Raven’s temple, hoping for it to be a comforting gesture.
“Just be here, just breathe,” Raven whispered, letting one of her hands sneak under the
Commander’s shirt and rest to the left of her chest. It was so warm, and Raven could easily feel the
constant thump of her heart against her ribs.
The Commander then started to take a series of deep breaths, her chest expanded as her lungs were
filled with air, pushing against Raven’s chest.
“Like this?” the Commander asked gently, hoping that the way she was breathing was helping
Raven in some way.
“Yes, yes, that’s perfect,” Raven said, sniffing loudly as she turned her head, her face no longer
facing Lexa’s shoulder, but her neck instead. Titus sword, it had cut through that neck with barely
any effort, Raven shivered at the memory, her eyes watering as tears continued to spill down her
cheeks. Lexa felt her shiver and tightened her hold, moving her hands up and down Raven’s back.
“It’s okay, we are both safe,” the Commander whispered, feeling as Raven pressed her lips against
her neck. She knew it wasn’t a lustful gesture, it couldn’t be, no, it was something else.
“What if someone heard what Clarke said? What if someone tells Titus?”
“It would be nothing but a rumor, passed from mouth to mouth, something like that would not end
in an execution. It would have no credibility.”
“Okay, okay, that’s good,” Raven whispered, closing her eyes for a second, her thumb tracing tiny
circles above Lexa’s heart.
“Please, don’t cry, everything is okay,” Lexa whispered, not letting go of Raven as she laid back
down on the bed, the omega safely tucked against her chest.
The alpha started humming to herself a few moments later, the sound just loud enough to reach
Raven’s ears. It was so soothing and so soft, Raven’s achy eyes didn’t take long to fall closed at the
sound, her hand never moving away from the alpha’s chest. It didn’t matter that she usually
couldn’t go back to sleep after a nightmare, with the sound of Lexa’s voice beside her ear there was
not much she could do to keep from falling asleep.
………………….
When Raven woke up again, she felt loose, rested, and surprised because her head was still resting
on the Commander’s shoulder, which was weird, as the alpha usually got up before sunrise. Raven
closed her eyes again, trying not to disturb the alpha, she didn’t even remove her hand from her
chest, not when she knew that even the smallest things could wake her up.
“Go back to sleep, Raven, we are safe here,” the Commander whispered, startling the omega
slightly.
“I haven’t moved, how did you know I was awake?” Raven asked, tilting her head up so she could
look at the Commander, the alpha had her eyes closed, her head tilted in Raven’s direction and one
of her arms curled protectively around her back.
“Your breathing changed when you started waking up. Go back to sleep, you need rest,” the
Commander said again, using her free arm to grab the furs and pull them up until they covered
Raven’s shoulders.
“What about you? Don’t you have things to take care of?” Raven asked, waiting for the moment
where someone would come knocking at the door, asking for the Commander.
“You are the only thing I need to take care of today,” the Commander said, opening her eyes and
locking her gaze with Raven’s, “unless you wish to be alone if that is the case I can go right away.”
“No, no, I want you to stay, I’m sure you could do with a bit of rest, too,” Raven said, looking back
at the alpha with a smile. “Won’t you get in trouble?”
“No, I have taken care of things. We can stay here all day, or go for some air, we will do what you
wish. And tonight, we will do everything we can so you sleep better.”
“I feel very well-rested, it’s usually very hard to go to bed after a nightmare, but that song you were
humming helped, what song is it?” Raven asked, tugging the furs even higher so that they covered
Lexa’s chest as well.
“I don’t know, it’s a habit I developed since I was a child, I spent a lot of time on my own… I got
scared sometimes, so I would hum to myself to feel less lonely. Silence can be comforting, too, but
when you are a child and you are alone in the dark, the silence just feels dangerous… In the dark I
felt like my mind would play tricks on me, and I would start hearing all sorts of scary things, so I
would hum to myself to avoid hearing other things,” Lexa whispered, her hand absentmindedly
moving up and down Raven’s back. The omega looked up at her with a knot in her throat, feeling
like she was going to cry. The Commander didn’t seem to notice and turned to look at Raven with a
smile on her face. “Can I tell you a secret?” the alpha asked, keeping in mind what Abby had told
her about how trust was important to build a good friendship.
“Of course,” Raven said, incorporating herself a little to give the Commander her undivided
attention. “Tell me.”
“When I was a child my biggest fear was the Mountain Men, I thought they were big, ugly
monsters and that they would come for me and take me in the middle of the night,” Lexa said with
a smile on the corner of her lips. “In my head, they were half people, half-animal, and they had big
yellow eyes that glowed in the dark.”
“It sounds terrifying,” Raven said with a smile, trying not to think about a child, alone in the dark
in the middle of the forest. “Can I tell you what I was most afraid of when I was little?”
“Yes, as long as you want to,” the Commander said, her big green eyes looking back into Raven’s.
“Black holes,” Raven said, watching a cute little frown develop on the Commander’s face. “They
are this points in space that are really dense, so they create gravity sinks, and anything that gets
close to them will just get sucked in by them, stretched and compressed into nothing, it doesn’t
matter what it is, a star, a planet, a spaceship, not even light can escape. Living in space, I thought a
black hole would pull us in and we would die.”
“It does sound horrible, how do these black holes come to existence?”
“Well, the most common way a black hole forms is by stellar death, when a star is reaching the
end of its life they go out in a massive explosion-”
“Forgive me, Raven,” the Commander said, not feeling too good about herself after interrupting.
“You told me before that our sun is a star, and now you are saying that stars die, is our sun going to
die?”
“Yes, it will, someday our sun will die, but you don’t have to worry, millions of years will pass
before that happens,” Raven said, offering the Commander a smile and reaching out to smooth out
the frown on the Commander’s face. “you could say our sun is really young compared to other
stars.”
“Oh, okay, please continue, I won’t interrupt again.”
………………….
That day would never leave Raven’s mind. They hardly left the bed, they stayed there, Raven
mostly talking, Lexa mostly listening, marveling at all the knowledge that Raven had to offer,
about the birth and the death of the stars, about black holes and supernovas.
They were hardly interrupted at all, only Lana coming inside a few times to bring them food and
drinks.
Raven’s favorite part was probably when the Commander took out her charcoals and her journal,
she sat back against the headboard of the bed with Raven between her legs, her journal balanced on
the omega’s knees. Raven was very careful in how she described the solar system, being as specific
as she could be so the Commander, with her arms around her waist to reach the journal, could draw
everything as close to reality as possible.
By the end of it, the Commander’s hands and the top of Raven’s thighs had dark shadows on them,
but they had a pretty amazing drawing of the solar system as a reward.
“Is this okay?” the Commander asked, her warm breath ghosting the side of Raven’s neck. The
omega knew she wasn’t talking about the drawing.
“Perfect,” Raven said, turning her head up and to the side so she could look at the alpha. “If I
didn’t want you so close, I would push you off, you know?”
“That’s good, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“I know you are smart, I’ve seen it, and I know what Clarke said messed up with your head big
time, but you need to trust me and you need to trust your gut, do I seem uncomfortable right now?”
“No…” the alpha whispered and Raven nodded her head.
“Exactly, I’m not a good actress, Lexa, if this didn’t feel right for me you would know. And I’m all
over you, I have been ever since we slept together for the first time, you are the hottest alpha I’ve
ever seen and your scent is heavenly, and to top that off, when I thought you couldn’t possibly get
any more attractive, it turns out that you have given me the most amazing orgasms ever, which I
thoroughly appreciate,” Raven said, enjoying the sight of a blush climbing up the Commander’s
cheeks. “And as if that wasn’t enough you are a great listener, and so damn sweet, too, you can
barely say three sentences without saying something that will make me want to kiss you. I want to
get to know you better and I want to be close to you without all the tension and all the worry I
know you are feeling right now.”
“I will try harder, I give you my word,” Lexa said strongly, looking deeply into Raven’s eyes.
“Don’t, take your time, all of this is just going to get us closer. Who knows, maybe we wouldn’t be
as close as we are now if those things hadn’t happened.” Raven said, leaning forward until she was
nose to nose with the Commander, the slope of her nose brushing gently against the alpha’s. “I’ll
just have to be all over you even more than before, until you are sure I really want this, sounds like
torture, don’t you think?”
The Commander probably smiled, but Raven couldn’t see, they were just too close.
“Yes, it’s going to be excruciatingly difficult for me to have you this close for prolonged periods of
time,” the Commander said, trying her best to follow Raven’s lead.
“Good thing you are so strong, I’m sure you will be able to handle it,” Raven said, nuzzling her
nose against the alpha’s and closing her eyes.
“May the spirits have mercy on my soul,” the Commander said dramatically and Raven couldn’t
help but let out a short laugh.
“Good to know you have a sense of humor,” Raven said as she pulled away.
“It would be hard not to when you are around, I feel... happy... just by looking at you,” Lexa said,
hesitating just slightly, not because she didn’t know what she was feeling, but because it had been
so long since she last felt anything similar that she was having some trouble naming it.
Raven felt a rush of something she couldn’t name, it went from the tip of her toes to the very ends
of her hair, it was warm, intense, vibrant… And it made her dizzy with delight. She couldn’t stop
the grin that spread across her face, and she couldn’t stop the funny feeling in her stomach when
the Commander mirrored the gesture as if she couldn’t stop herself from smiling at Raven’s joy.
“It’s amazing to know I make you feel that way,” Raven said, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on
the Commander’s cheek.
“Yes, I didn’t think I would ever be able to feel this light again, I am very grateful for it. And I
hope to be able to make you feel something similar someday,” the Commander said, tucking a
loose strand of hair behind Raven’s ear and leaving back a dark stain of charcoal in the process.
“You will, there’s no doubt in my mind,” Raven said, as she pulled away, leaving some space
between them. “Why don’t we go for a walk? We both need a bit of sunlight.”
“It’s almost sundown, Raven,” the Commander said, standing up anyway.
“We better hurry, then,” Raven said, trying to put her clothes on as quickly as possible.
“Here,” the Commander said, once they were ready to go, draping one of her thickest coats around
Raven’s shoulders. “We are already a few weeks into Fall, out there is not going to be as warm as
in here, much less during the night.”
“Can’t wait for winter, I haven’t seen snow, yet,” Raven said and the Commander nodded her
head.
“I enjoy winter, it’s very quiet, people seem to calm during the winter and traveling gets harder so
there are fewer fights, less conflict. I often find myself enjoying the cold, too. I will have to
remember to send you some appropriate clothes for the winter, the ones I have sent you already
won’t suffice, you will need gloves, scarves, hats as well, maybe even thicker socks.”
“Will you build a snowman with me?” Raven asked as they made their way down the tower, a
group of guards following them closely, but also giving them enough space to not feel suffocated
by their presence.
“A snowman?”
“Yes, it is like a winter tradition from the Old World, families, kids, friends, they would use snow
to make the figure of a person,” Raven said, and the Commander frowned slightly, seeming
confused.
“Why would they do that?”
“For enjoyment,” Raven said with a smile, seeing in the Commander’s expression that the thought
had never crossed her mind.
“Oh, of course, Raven, we can do that. It would mean that you would have to come here at some
point during the coldest time of winter. I will visit Arkadia early in the winter, there will be no
snow then.”
“That’s fine, I like it here. During the winter the nights are longer, too, isn’t that great?” Raven
said a cheeky smile on her face.
“Why do you find it great?” the Commander asked, the dark could be dangerous, and people with
bad intentions would take advantage of it.
“We would have more time to have sex,” Raven said, arching her eyebrows with a smile on her
face. Lexa looked back at her, the corner of her lips tilting up on one side.
“You say that as if we hadn’t just spent most of the day in my quarters doing exactly that and
wasting the sunlight.”
“Well, true, but we did other things besides having sex, we talked, you drew, we slept… You are
usually busy during the day and sometimes at night, too, I just assumed you would be less busy
during the winter, I mean,” Raven said as they started walking aimlessly around the markets.
“We will just have to wait and see; this is going to be my first winter in Command without Queen
Nia. The Ice Nation will always have an advantage during the winter, but I hope that the change in
command will make a difference and that we will have a peaceful winter,” Lexa said, her eyes lost
in the crowds before her.
“You never told me how you felt about her being gone…” Raven said quietly, she knew it was a
sensitive subject and she didn’t want to push.
The Commander let out an audible sigh, letting the people around them brush against her, touch
her robes and grab at her hands, they would sometimes speak to her, halting their walk until the
Commander had responded to them. She was kind to them, holding their hands in her own and
accepting their gifs, even kissing babies' heads when their mothers asked for her protection.
Their conversation came to a stop until they were in a quieter place. The Commander took her to
the private lands where the Nightbloods usually trained, located behind the tower and protected
heavily by some of the most promising members of the Commander’s guard.
Lexa helped Raven climb up a low hill that overlooked the city, letting them view the sight of the
setting sun. They sat there, side by side, enjoying the last minutes of sunlight.
“I feel like the pain will never go away,” Lexa said suddenly, remembering the last thing Raven
had told her before they made it to the hill. “Killing her didn’t lessen my pain, but I hope that with
her death Costia will finally be able to rest properly, I hope that she is free now, happy, that justice
brought her peace.”
“I think that the only thing that will make her happy and free is to see you happy,” Raven said, her
voice quiet but sure, she didn’t want to overstep, much less in regards to Costia. “That’s what love
is, isn’t? When the person you love is happy, then you are happy as well.”
“I have been hurting her if that is the case,” the Commander said, looking away from Raven with
her jaw tightly clenched.
“No, not hurting her,” Raven said, reaching out to place her hand on top of the Commander’s. “She
probably has been concerned, though. That’s something you will have to work on, being happy,
being okay, I’m sure she cares more about that than about the Ice Queen. You haven’t told me
much about Costia, but I can tell that she loved you very much from what you have told me.”
“She did, I am sure, she showed me every day. I was planning to ask her to be my mate... We were
young, but when I looked at her, I knew it was the right choice.”
“You thought you had a future with her,” Raven whispered, her eyes not moving away from the
Commander’s profile.
“Yes, back then my position was as dangerous as it is now, maybe even more so, but with her, I
thought I had a future. That we would mate, wait a few years, until we were ready, until I had
somewhat fixed the world we live in, and then we would have a couple of pups,” she said, a tiny,
nostalgic smile pulling at the corner of her lips. “I was too young back then, foolish.” She said, and
Raven couldn’t believe what she was hearing, the Commander hadn’t even stepped on her twenties
yet, she spoke as if she still wasn’t just a child.
“So, when she died, you no longer saw a future for yourself?”
“I didn’t see it and I didn’t want it, all I had was my duty, and Commander’s never live long, when
that sword when through me I thought just in time, but then Doctor Griffin saved my life and I
became the longest-reigning Commander.”
“I hope you stay in power until you are old, grey and full of wrinkles, they can’t execute you for
just being old, can they?” Raven asked, and the Commander turned to look at her with an amused
smile on her face.
“I’m not sure, that has never happened before.”
“You will be the first, I’m sure,” Raven said, looking up when she felt something cold and wet
drip on her face.
“What makes you so sure?”
“No other Commander had me by their side, not only I’m good at blowing shit up, but I will also
kill you if you die, so… keep that in mind,” Raven said, not exactly amused when the Commander
turned to look at her with that soft smile of hers.
“It would be truly an honor to die by your hand, it would be a good end for my fight.”
“Why?” Raven said, exasperated and endeared at the same time.
“You are smart, skilled, a worthy opponent,” Lexa said, “and like I said earlier, I find your eyes to
be quite beautiful, if they were the last thing I saw, it would be a good death.”
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, dismantling the tiny smile on the Commander’s lips
with her mouth, kissing her slow and deep.
“We must take cover, the rain will get stronger soon,” Lexa murmured against Raven’s mouth,
worried by the steady drops that were falling over her face.
“Oh, rain!” Raven said excitedly, “can we stay in it?”
“Why? We will be cold and wet, is that what you want?”
“The cold and wet part doesn’t sound amazing, but I want to try another Old-World tradition,”
Raven said, getting to her feet as the rain started falling harder and harder, drenching her clothes
and her hair, it was so, so cold.
“What is it?” the Commander asked, standing in the rain as she looked back at Raven, licking
droplets of rain off of her bottom lip.
“Jumping on puddles,” Raven said with a huge grin on her face as she stared at the ground, a
puddle was starting to develop just a few steps away from her.
“What? Why?” the Commander said with a small grimace, she was not fond of being dirty, and
jumping on a puddle meant that her boots and the bottom of her pants would be completely stained
with mud.
“For enjoyment!” Raven said, her smile getting bigger and bigger as she watched the puddle grow
inside, drops of rain hitting and filling it quickly.
“Getting dirty is very unpleasant for me,” the Commander said, taking a small step back, Raven
was standing awfully close to the puddle.
“Come on, please, it will just be a little while,” Raven said, reaching out with her hand to take the
Commander’s own, pulling the alpha to her side. The alpha sighed, she knew she couldn’t deny.
“Okay.”
“Yes!” Raven said, tangling her fingers with the Commander’s as she stared at the puddle with a
smile. “Are you ready? I’m going to count to 3. Ready?”
The Commander glanced down at her pants, sticking to her legs because of the water, she knew
they would be ruined and sighed, there was no way she was wearing them again if she had any say
in it.
“Ready,” she said, internally wincing.
“1, 2, 3!” Raven shouted, jumping a second later, both her feet and the Commander’s falling hard
over the water, making it splash everywhere. Her laugh echoed in the Commander’s ears and the
alpha felt a smile spread across her lips. She was less than amused with the mud that was currently
sticking to her calves, but she could do it, she could do it for that smile, for that laugh.
“Let’s find another one!” Raven said, not waiting for a response before she pulled at the
Commander’s hand and targeted her next puddle, running towards it and jumping as hard as she
could, ignoring whatever ache might have been developing in her leg. Water and mud flew
everywhere, and Raven was overjoyed, she didn’t think she would ever feel that light, or that free.
But she was right there, cold and dripping, jumping in puddles and dragging the Commander of the
13 Clans to the mess.
Lexa lost count of how many puddles they jumped in, at some point, the mud on her calves started
slipping down her leg and down towards her feet. She hated having her feet wet, having them
muddy was a lot of worse, each step she took was making her internally cringe, and she started
wondering how she managed to survive so many wars when she was so bothered by something as
insignificant as mud.
Probably because you are not thinking about mud when you are busy thinking you are going to die,
she thought to herself, getting rid of the thought as soon as it came, it wasn’t hard to do, Raven was
laughing and how could Lexa even think about anything else.
Soon they had completely lost light, they couldn’t see where they were stepping, and much of the
ground was a mud bath. Raven didn’t seem to care, jumping around without a care in the word
until her foot slipped. She thought she would get to know what mud tasted like, that it would get in
her eyes and her hair, but that never happened. The Commander saw her falling backward and
pulled hard at her arm, trying to get her back on her feet, but her actions only made Raven crash
against her chest instead, the impact sending the Commander falling back and crashing hard
against the mud bath that was the ground.
Lexa closed her eyes, there was mud everywhere, she could feel it in her hair, sipping through and
hitting her scalp; she could feel it on the back of her neck and even on the sides of her face; she
could feel it on her back, going through her coat and shirt; she could feel it everywhere.
“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” Raven said in a rush, straddling the alpha’s hips, “I’m so
sorry, are you okay?”
“I am well, Raven, are you well? I shouldn’t have pulled so hard on your arm, I’m sorry.”
“No, no, it’s totally fine,” Raven said, she could only see the outline of the Commander’s face with
the light the moon was providing. She cupped the Commander’s cheeks with her hands and tried to
wipe some of the mud away with her thumbs, she couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle in the
process. “You kept me from taking a mud bath, I really appreciate that.” She said, chuckling once
more at the grimace on the Commander’s face. “I’m really sorry, I know you hate being dirty.”
“Don’t apologize, I told you I would do what I could to make you smile,” the Commander
whispered, staring up at the omega, the moon glowing bright just behind her head.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, leaning down, cupping the alpha’s muddy cheeks and
feeling cold raindrops slipping down the slope of her nose as it brushed against the Commander’s.
Their lips were cold when they met, but Raven was sure to stroke the alpha’s plump bottom lip
with her warm tongue, feeling Lexa let out a soft sigh against her mouth, and making Raven smile
into the kiss until she was forced to break it.
“Let’s take a warm bath, yeah? I’ll help you get all that mud out of your hair, I know it’s killing
you,” Raven said, pressing a chaste kiss to the Commander’s lips before pulling back, sitting on the
Commander’s hips for a second before getting to her feet.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to,” the Commander said as she got to her feet, mud dripping off of her
body with every step she took. She would be sure to apologize to the helpers of the tower; she
knew the mud would get everywhere.
“I know, but I want to, come on,” Raven said, pulling at the Commander’s hand to tug her along.
……………….
Raven took her time with the Commander’s hair, making sure it was as clean as it could be,
scrubbing at the back of her neck and shoulders until the skin was completely free of mud. She
knew how important it was for Lexa to be clean, so she took her time with the sponge and the soap,
making sure there was no spot in her skin left untouched.
After that, they changed into sleeping clothes and went to bed, only this time, there was no space
left between them.
…………………
Raven slept through the night, unperturbed by her nightmares.
Chapter End Notes
They are nailing this friendship thing, don't you think? ;)

Chapter 8
Chapter Notes
Hey guys, I wish 2020 treats you all well, thanks for staying with me with this story,
hopefully I'll be able to finish it before 2021 rolls around. I hope you all have an
amazing time with your friends and family. Thank you for taking the time to read my
work and thank you for your comments, I love them so so much.
I hope you enjoy the new update and I'll be waiting for your comments!!
It was early, way too early to even exist, but for some reason Raven was waking up. Her pillow,
albeit slowly, was moving.
“What’s happening?” Raven mumbled, cuddling further into Lexa’s chest and throwing her arm
around the alpha’s middle. “I was having a really nice dream, there was this sexy alpha in it, she
was doing all sorts of amazing things to me,” Raven said with a smirk, running the tip of nose up
the Commander’s neck. She then lifted her head and looked down at the amused alpha. “Oh, wow,
there she is. Hello, gorgeous,” Raven said, leaning down to press her lips against Lexa’s.
“Hello, Raven, you look quite beautiful yourself,” Lexa said, pushing loose strands of hair behind
Raven’s ears. “How did you sleep?”
“Great, I feel pretty amazing right now,” Raven said, looking down into Lexa’s eyes and seeing
how, in the early morning, the light green in her eyes got even lighter, making them look grey
instead. She blinked quickly, surprised by the revelation, wondering how she was only noticing
that, after having slept with the Commander so many times. She moved her head a little lower, her
hand cupping the alpha’s cheek as she looked into her eyes. They were not completely grey, it was
more a kaleidoscope of colors, where green, grey and even some blue swirled together, getting lost
and beginning again in one another.
“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, frowning a little in concern, the omega had gone really quiet for a
moment and that wasn’t usual. “Is there something wrong?”
“No, there’s nothing wrong, I just had never noticed that your eyes change colors, I mean, I always
knew they were pretty, but today they look particularly gorgeous, mostly grey with some green and
some blue in it.”
“Thank you, Raven, I thought they were just green,” Lexa said, her fingers tracing lazy shapes over
Raven’s back, the omega was halfway on top of her and didn’t seem to be bothered by the contact.
“I am happy to hear you slept better last night; I will try to be quiet as I get ready for the day so you
are able to get back to sleep.”
Raven remembered then that her pillow, Lexa, had been moving, she had been trying to leave the
bed without waking her up, which turned out to be pretty impossible with Raven lying on top of
her.
“You need to go?” Raven said, pouting hard.
“Forgive me, I am afraid I must, I have things to oversee that can’t be postponed. I have asked
Lana to stay with you and show you around the city, I hope to be able to join you later today,
would that be okay?” Lexa asked, and Raven pouted even harder, pressing her bare body even
further against Lexa’s.
“But I am really comfy…” she said, almost regretting it when she saw Lexa’s frown of concern
deepen further.
“I could find you different suitors, they could stay here with you, keep you company,” Lexa
offered and now it was Raven’s turn to frown.
“I don’t want some stranger, I want you, you are my friend. I understand you need to go; I am just
being a child. I can wait, really,” Raven said, pushing herself off of the alpha.
“You are sure?”
“Yeah, I want to spend time with you, but I understand you have a Nation to take care of, so please,
go before I throw myself at you again,” Raven said as she sat up, pulling up the furs so they
covered her chest. The Commander mimicked her motions, sitting up with her back straight.
“I’ll do my best so I am able to come see you during lunch time, yes?”
“Yes, perfect,” Raven said, leaning in and placing a lingering kiss on the Commander’s cheek.
The alpha flushed adorably at the gesture, her skin heating up in a light pink blush that didn’t go
unnoticed by Raven.
“Thank you,” Lexa said awkwardly, her cheeks a flaming pink as she looked back at Raven, the
omega chuckled at the alpha’s response.
“No need for thanks, you could just give me one back,” Raven said with a small smile.
“Would you like that?”
“Sure, I’d really like that,” Raven said, watching as Lexa leaned in to press a sweet kiss against her
cheek. Raven couldn’t help but smile to herself, biting her lip at the feeling of having Lexa so close
to her, with her soft lips on her skin. She just couldn’t stop herself from turning her head and
making Lexa’s lips brush against her own.
The kiss deepened quickly, remaining languid and slow until Raven was flat against the furs once
more, Lexa’s strong body hovering over hers as they continued to kiss.
“I need to go,” Lexa murmured, her warm breath hitting Raven’s lips. Raven groaned low,
tightening her hold around the Commander’s neck for a second before pushing her back, the alpha
pulling back fast as soon as she felt it. She put up her hands as if she had committed a crime. “I’m
sorry, I didn’t mean to-”
“Hey, no, no, don’t go there, I only pushed you off because if I didn’t there’s no way in hell I
would let you go, so really, don’t go there,” Raven begged, wrapping the furs around her body as
she stood up as well, standing before Lexa and holding her hands, lowering them for her and
holding them in her own.
“Oh, okay, when you pushed me off, I thought-” Lexa started, her brain firing with panic.
“I know what you thought and believe me when I tell you that it is completely wrong, there’s
nothing I want more than to have you right here, right now, but I knew that if I didn’t push you you
would never go, I wouldn’t let you, so please, go get ready before we end up in bed again.”
“Okay, I will,” Lexa said, finding comfort in the tiny circles Raven was drawing on the back of her
hands.
“Hey, relax,” Raven said, placing another lingering kiss to the Commander’s cheek, “you did
nothing wrong.”
The Commander only nodded in response, missing the feeling of Raven’s touch when the omega
let her hands go.
“Try to get some sleep, okay? I’ll have Lana bring you breakfast later.”
“Okay, I will,” Raven said, offering the Commander a smile as she settled back on the bed.
………………………
Coming back to the tower after having been wandering around the markets for so long had been a
weird experience. The doors of the elevator opened and Raven felt a strong wave of alpha
pheromones hit her in the face. Her knees buckled and her neck unconsciously twisted to the side.
If it wasn’t for Lana, who had been standing right next to her, she would have fallen to the floor on
her knees.
“Just try to breathe through your mouth,” Lana whispered in Raven’s ear, her hand moving up and
down the omega’s back soothingly. “Focus on me, okay? Heda won’t be pleased if she knows she
affected you this way.” Lana said, and Raven looked up in surprise, not understanding how the
pheromones that were driving her to submit could be the same as the ones she was used to.
She then remembered that the Commander had never expressed such fury before, not in Raven’s
presence at least. She stepped out of the elevator and looked up, finding the alpha guards spread all
over the hallway trying to help each other back to their feet, they were sweaty and pale in the face,
having difficulty in getting up when the Commander’s pheromones were still potent in the air.
What was most impressive about the whole thing, was that Lexa was not even in sight, the doors to
her rooms were open and with Lana by her side Raven was able to get just a little bit closer.
“...my mistakes?” Lexa said, her voice a deadly hiss, her anger palpable, making the air
suffocating, as murderous as a sharp blade. Raven would have gone down upon hearing it if it
wasn’t for Lana’s tight hold around her waist. “Azgeda cut off Costia’s head and delivered it to my
bed!” She was yelling, her voice growing louder with each word, making cold shivers travel down
Raven’s back. “And still, I let them in to my alliance! I’M MORE THAN CAPABLE OF
SEPARATING FEELINGS FROM DUTY!”
All the guards that had managed to pull themselves to their feet only moments before went down
once more. Lexa’s pheromones were overwhelmingly strong, forcing everyone in contact with
them into submission. Raven knew that was something alphas could do to omegas, and even to
other alphas, but she didn’t know they would be able to do it to more than one person at once while
not being too close to them.
She was sure she would have gone down as well if she had been breathing at all. Raven couldn’t
hear anything else, her senses completely overwhelmed, but her sight, though blurred could make
out Titus form on the floor, as Lexa continued to speak, her voice much quieter than before.
After a few moments Lexa seemed to finish talking, Titus picked himself up from the floor and
rushed out of the room, seemingly taking the brunt of Lexa’s pheromones with him, for as soon as
he was out of sight Lexa’s pheromones all but disappeared, giving Raven a sense of whiplash.
The Commander had turned away, moving towards her balcony without seeing Raven. The omega
stayed with Lana standing just outside the room for a couple of seconds, trying to compose herself
before approaching the alpha.
“She prefers to be alone after something like this happens,” Lana comments, holding onto Raven’s
arms before the omega could go inside the Commander’s quarters.
“I don’t think she would know how to ask for support even if she wanted it, and even if she knew
how she didn’t have anyone to ask, so… I guess I’ll just see what’s going on and if she truly wants
to be alone then I will leave her be, okay?” Raven told the handmaiden, who looked back at her
with a mix of surprise and confusion in her eyes.
“Yes, Raven of the Sky People, I will make sure no one disturbs you.”
“That’s perfect Lana, you are great, wish me luck,” Raven said, feeling a little nervous at facing
angry Lexa, she had never seen her so furious before and she did not know how to handle it.
“I’ve seen you with her,” Lana said with a smile, “you don’t need it.”
Raven shot her a smile, wiping away the beads of sweat that had collected on her brow before she
walked inside the Commander’s room.
The Heda was standing in the balcony, hands behind her back and posture straight and perfect.
Raven could see the movement of her chest, the slow and deep breath she was taking through her
nose. Her jaw, diamond sharp, was made sharper still by the way she was clenching it so hard.
Raven wanted to touch her, to grab her arm and make her turn around until they were face to face,
but she was not sure the contact would be appreciated.
“I did not mean for you to see me like that,” the Commander said, cutting the silence, “I do not
usually lose control like that-”
“If at all,” Raven interrupted, “I think you hardly ever lose control, and I think it is so violent
because you keep everything inside, you take it all and push it down, until something just makes
the already overflowing glass tip over…”
“I know it affected you and I would like to apologize to you-” Lexa said as if she hadn’t heard a
single word of what Raven had just said.
“hey, hey, shhh,” Raven said, stepping closer and pressing her hands gently over the sides of the
Commander’s head, holding it gently. “I’m not looking for an apology, and I don’t want you to
make this about me, I want you to make it about yourself.”
“I could have made you submit to me, I would never-”
“I know you would never,” Raven said in a reprimanding tone, “but I would like you to listen to
what I’m saying. Hey, just look at me.” Raven said, finally getting the Commander to stop talking
and look at her. “It scares me how you are capable of being so furious and then just pull it all back
and block it, you should be able to let yourself feel things and you should be able to speak about
those things.”
“Those feelings, they cloud my judgement, I can’t protect my people- I can’t protect you when
they don’t let me focus,” Lexa said, her tone strained and her jaw clenched tight. Raven ran the tip
of her fingers over her cheekbones, trying to get her to calm down, to soothe the uncomfortable
feeling that was bubbling under the surface.
“As far as I know there is nothing to protect anyone from right now, you made sure of that, and
even if there was that doesn’t make it okay for you to swallow everything down until you blow up.
I don’t know what Titus said to upset you like this, but you probably wouldn’t have exploded the
way you did if you spoke to someone about whatever is on your mind.”
“Raven, I didn’t get angry because I’ve been keeping things to myself, that’s how my life is, that’s
what I’ve always done, I got angry because he is right and I refuse to act accordingly because doing
so would make me lose something I cherish, because I’m being selfish,” Lexa said, holding onto
Raven’s wrists but not pulling the omega’s hands off of her face.
“What did he say to you?” Raven said with a sigh, watching the Commander close her eyes for a
second before opening them once more.
“Don’t let her pay the price for your mistakes as Costia did,” Lexa said, repeating what Titus had
said word for word.
“Lexa…” Raven said with a sigh. “It’s disgusting that he even dared to use her like that against
you, and I am not her, we are not like that.”
“It does not matter, Raven, even if the nature of our relationship is not the same as it was with
Costia, you are still the only thing I have outside of my duty, having you as a friend is the only
thing I am allowing for myself and nothing else. People will use that against me and you will end
up dead because of it.”
“I honestly don’t give a single fuck,” Raven said, knowing immediately that that had been the
wrong answer to give, the Commander’s hands tightened around her wrists and in moments she
was moving Raven’s hands away from her face.
“How could you say that, Raven? Your life matters!” Lexa said, visibly angry.
“Yeah, and the way I live it matters more,” Raven said, reaching up to hold Lexa’s face in her
hands once more. “I made my choice; this is what I want and I am not afraid.”
“It is the wrong choice, it is dangerous and reckless, I will be your end, Raven.”
“Letting someone else choose for me would be wrong, letting fear dictate my actions would be
wrong, this is my life, this is how I want to live it, being your friend. I am smart Lexa, I knew what
I was getting into the moment I asked you to do this with me and I’m not going back on it, okay?”
Raven asked, her thumb running gently over Lexa’s cheek.
“I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Lexa said, the anger seemingly draining out of her, being
replaced by a much more uncomfortable feeling, one that closed up her throat and that made her
eyes sting, one that made her chest ache and her voice shake.
“That’s a risk we must take, you know that, one runs the risk of weeping a little…”
“If one lets himself be tamed,” Lexa whispered, trying to push herself to be brave, to face the risk
of being broken once more.
“Yeah, don’t listen to him, okay? Just don’t,” Raven said, moving closer and wrapping her arms
around the Commander’s shoulders, holding her tight to her chest. It took Lexa a moment, but after
a couple of seconds she was wrapping her arms around the middle of Raven’s back, letting her head
rest gently against the omega’s.
“I want you to stay safe,” Lexa whispered after a couple of seconds, her hold tightening around
Raven’s waist.
“I want you to stay safe too, but you keep dying on me every five seconds,” Raven said as she
pulled away, looking back at the Commander with a small smile.
“I don’t mean to,” Lexa said regretfully, giving Raven an apologetic look.
“I know, I know this is part of who you are, everything you have been through comes with your
position and I get it. I still worry, I do, but I don’t blame you for it,” Raven said, watching a tiny
frown develop between the Commander’s brows as she looked back at her with concern.
“I wish I could make you feel beautiful things only,” the Commander whispered, the grey in her
eyes pouring from the center, from her pupils, diluting the green into a lighter shade, an almost
completely grey one that reminded Raven of the pale silver of the stars in the sky.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven muttered gently, her cheeks heating up as she tightened her
hold on the back of Lexa’s neck, leaning forwards slowly, letting the slope of her nose brush
against the Commander’s in a featherlight touch before allowing their lips to meet.
The Commander didn’t bring her closer, she didn’t tighten her hold around her waist, she didn’t
massage the small of Raven’s back with her fingers. No, her hands stayed where they were,
respectfully placed on the omega’s hips, too shy to move, they were as doubtful as the alpha’s lips.
And still, that shyness, that hesitance made for the sweetest of kisses, slow and gentle, overflowing
with care.
“I think…” Raven whispered against the Commander’s lips, their breaths mingling as their eyes
remained closed, they were too close to be able to look at each other either way. “... that worry can
be a beautiful thing because it comes from a place of care, it’s there because I care about you, and
isn’t that a beautiful thing?”
The Commander pulled her head back just enough to look into Raven’s eyes, knowing that her own
were covered by a thin film of tears.
“It is, I cannot think of anything more beautiful than that, thank you,” Lexa whispered, closing her
eyes as she allowed herself to rest her forehead against Raven’s. “I care about you as well, truly.”
Raven’s lips trembled as they spread into a small smile.
“You really can’t say things like that, I have to kiss you, I can’t help it,” Raven said, shivers
running down her spine as she muffled the Commander’s quiet chuckle with her mouth.
Soon the kiss was deepening, Raven’s hands were quick to unclasp the Commander’s shoulder
pauldron, dropping it carelessly onto the floor of the balcony before pushing the Commander’s
coat off of her shoulders. In mere seconds Raven had the Commander bare from the waist up. Soon
her hands got lost inside her pants, palming the swelling bulge.
“May I take you inside?” the Commander asked, her panting breaths hitting Raven’s kiss swollen
lips.
“No,” Raven said, stepping back to pull off her jacket, shirt and bra, the chill of the autumn air
instantly making her skin flood with goosebumps. “I want you to take me right here, in this
balcony and I want you to make me scream loud enough for Titus to hear, he will know there’s
nothing he can say to hurt what we have.”
Raven knew her words had aroused the alpha, her shaft seeming to jump in her hand, reaching full
hardness in mere seconds, but still, the alpha didn’t jump on her like Raven hoped she would. She
stood very still, jaw and fists clenched tight as she looked back at Raven.
“You will be cold,” Lexa said at last, her fingers tracing the side of Raven’s arm.
“Then keep me warm,” Raven said, not waiting for an answer as she stepped into the
Commander’s space, letting their chests press together as she brought her down for a rough kiss,
teeth and tongue quickly coming to play as Raven moved her hands down the Commander’s chest,
palming at her breasts.
“Lexa, please,” Raven begged as she felt the Commander’s hands stay dead at her sides,
motionless. “Take me, touch me, I want you to touch me anywhere you want.”
“You are sure?” Lexa asked, her hands opening, her fingers twitching, aching to reach out and pull
Raven back into her chest.
“Yes, I am sure,” Raven said, taking Lexa’s hand in her own and pushing it below her waist line,
knowing well that the alpha’s digits would meet nothing but wetness.
Lexa’s eyes darkened, her pupils blown with lust as she moved forward, pushing Raven against the
railing of the balcony, her fingers moving on their own accord, knowing exactly what to do to push
the omega closer and closer to the edge.
Raven moaned freely as Lexa’s warm fingers pressed tight circles against her clit. Her hands
moved up the Commander’s body, one hand wrapping around her pulsing dick as the other moved
up, tracing the hard ridges of her abs as she leaned in to kiss her. Their lock only breaking when
Lexa’s fingers moved down, tracing Raven’s leaking opening before pushing inside with two
fingers. The omega gasped for air, her dark eyes meeting the evergreen eyes of the Heda as the
alpha’s fingers insistently pushed in and out of her, the soft pad of her thumb bumping constantly
against her clit.
In mere seconds Raven’s core was clenching, her vocal cords strained with a loud shout as her
walls tightened violently around the alpha’s fingers. Lexa was quick to tighten her hold around
Raven’s waist, bracing her against the railing of the balcony as she watched the waves of pleasure
wash over the omega’s face, sending a flush of up her neck and causing her eyes to roll to the back
of her head.
Raven chuckled, leaning forwards to bump her nose against the alpha’s.
“Give me this now, yes?” Raven said, shivering at the cold wind that traveled across her back as
she pumped the Commander’s cock with her hand.
“You are sure?” Lexa asked, receiving no verbal response, but watching as Raven turned her back
on her, facing all the land that belonged to her, her city, her people. The omega pushed down her
pants, and as they had done once before, they got caught on her brace, preventing them from being
pushed all the way down to her ankles.
Raven then took a step back, grinding her ass over the Commander’s crotch and throwing her arm
back, her fingers curling over the alpha’s neck and pulling her forwards until the Heda was pressed
flush against her bare back.
“Take me right here, in front of all of your people, make sure that everyone down in the markets
hears what you are doing to me,” Raven said, bending forwards, bracing her hands over the railing
of the balcony.
And after seeing her there, bent just for her with all her lands as the background Lexa didn’t need
to ask any more questions. She placed her hands on Raven’s shoulders and brought them down
gently, tracing her spine in a soft caress until her palms were settled on the omega’s ass, she
squeezed hard enough to see the red imprints her fingers left behind and then pushed her hips
forwards. The wide head of her cock got caught at Raven’s opening, it’s thickness not allowing for
her to slip inside easily, forcing her to jerk her hips up until the head went past the omega’s narrow
opening.
Raven let out a soft whine, feeling the Commander’s length bury inside of her bit by bit, until it had
nowhere else to go, until her walls were stretched to their breaking point, the burning dick in her
insides pulsing along the Commander’s heartbeat, twitching with the need to move.
And as the sky darkened and clouds formed over their heads Raven knew Lexa needed one last
push.
“Make me scream your name loud enough for every single person in this city to hear me, make
me, Lexa,” Raven said and in seconds the gentle woman behind her turned into the raging beast
that Raven had asked her to be.
Lexa pulled back, letting nothing but the head of her cock remain inside of Raven before slamming
back in, making her hips slam noisily against the omega’s ass, the impact so hard it sent tremors up
the omega’s body, forcing a loud shout to fall past her lips and getting lost in the quiet rumble of
the sky.
Slowly but surely rain drops started to fall, the howling wind of the fall time making sure cold
drops of water hit their skin. They fell over Raven’s warm flesh and rolled down her chest, falling
from the high peaks of her breasts as the Commander continued the ferocious snap of her hips,
making the omega’s whole body rock with the movement as her cock dragged against her walls.
The swollen head of her shaft pushed insistently over the back of her front wall, making Raven cry
out in pleasure, her eyes opening wide as heat boiled in her gut, allowing for a sudden flash of light
in the sky to reflect in her pupils. Raven could only watch as the bright light split the sky in two,
staying there for a couple of seconds before disappearing.
Close after the lightning came the thunder, it’s sound deafening and so loud, louder than anything
Raven had ever heard before. It echoed in Raven’s ears blended with the slapping sound of Lexa’s
thrusting hips.
The Commander seemed to draw energy from the sudden noise, her thrusts becoming harder still,
faster, in their attempt to not be quieted by the rumble in the sky. One of her hands moved up
Raven’s toned abdomen, her fingers ghosting over the raindrops that continued to fall over Raven’s
chest as she took a soft breast into the palm of her hand, kneading it and rolling the stiff nipple
between two fingers. Doing her best so her hold wouldn’t slip with how soaked they had both come
to be.
Her mouth quickly latched onto the omega’s neck, the sweet taste of her skin mixing with the taste
of rain water on Lexa’s tongue. She delivered open mouthed kisses, allowing her tongue to draw
countless shapes before she sucked, teeth clenching around warm skin and sending Raven’s narrow
channel into a wild flutter, her walls tightening around the Commander’s cock, sucking it in as
waves of pleasure crashed over her being, rushing from between her legs and towards the tips of
her toes and the ends of her hair.
Raven didn’t hear herself scream, the rumble of thunder in the sky didn’t let her, but she knew she
had done it, her vocal cords aching and sore as she fell back onto Lexa’s chest, her legs going
completely limp under her, the Commander releasing a flood inside of her.
“Do you trust me?” the Commander asked, her voice hoarse and low in Raven’s ear.
“Yes,” Raven responded, throat raw and throbbing. A moment later the Commander was pulling
her cock out and twisting Raven’s body around until they were face to face. The alpha reached
down to unclasp the omega’s brace, helping her out of her pants a second later, leaving the omega
completely bare, standing in the rain under the chilling autumn air.
“There’s nothing like watching the expression on your face as you come, I need to see it Raven, I
need to see you. I need to bury myself inside of you and look into your eyes as you come. May I do
that?”
“Yes,” Raven moaned, throwing her arms around the Commander’s neck and pulling her into a
rough kiss. A shot of dread and excitement rushing up to her head when she felt the Commander’s
hands settle behind her thighs and lift her over the balcony’s railing, one wrong move and Raven
would fall to her death.
“Do you trust me?” the Commander asked again, her lips brushing Raven’s with every word as she
braced the omega against the railing, her hands secure under her thighs.
“Yes.”
“I won’t let you fall,” Lexa said, green eyes locked on dark brown ones.
“I know,” Raven said at once, not knowing if the shaking that overtook her body after those words
came from the cold, or from the absolute certainty in the Commander’s voice.
She wrapped her hand around the Commander’s shaft, aligning it to her entrance as she curled her
legs around the alpha’s waist. The stiff rod slipped inside, aided by what was left of their joined
climax, Lexa thrusted all the way in, moving up and down as she hoisted Raven a little higher,
pressing her up against the top of the railing.
With each thrust upwards Lexa went a little deeper, pushed a little further, reaching every existing
sensitive spot and leaving Raven muttering obscenities against her lips. Each word was swallowed
by Lexa’s mouth, by her tongue as it flicked over the roof of the omega's mouth, by her lips as they
sucked on Raven’s tongue, by her teeth as they tugged and nipped on her bottom lip; leaving Raven
as a wanton mess, hanging to her sanity by nothing but a weak thread.
The Commander broke the kiss, feeling drops of rain rolling down the slope of her nose as Raven’s
warm breath washed over her cheeks. She could feel the omega’s accelerated heartbeat, the erratic
way she breathed, the way her hands tightened almost painfully around her neck. She was so close
and Lexa wanted nothing but fall over the edge with her, she tightened her hold around the omega’s
legs and lifted her, bringing her down as she thrust her hips up strongly. The high came in a flash,
blindingly hot, intense, powerful, sending electricity through their veins as Lexa’s legs weakened,
her warmth flooding Raven’s insides as she felt to her knees in the balcony, rain falling over their
heads as she made sure Raven wouldn’t be hurt, holding her tight to her body as her knees took the
brunt of the impact.
The extreme force of climax had Raven’s back arching, pushing her chest against Lexa’s as her
eyes clenched shut, white exploding behind her eyes as her body was consumed by tremors. She
didn’t feel them fall, but when she lifted her head from Lexa’s shoulder, she saw they were on the
floor. The rain continued raging over their heads, giving no sign of stopping, and for the first time
Raven realized that she was quite cold, that they were pretty much naked in the rain, that the
Commander was weakened after being sick and that having sex in the rain probably wasn’t the
greatest idea.
She traced kisses up the column of the Commander’s neck, reaching her cheek and placing soft
kisses there, too.
“We should get inside,” Raven muttered, wrapping the alpha up in her arms, feeling Lexa
reciprocate the gesture and tighten her arms around Raven’s back.
“You are cold, I’ll get a warm bath ready for you, I should have gotten us both inside as soon as it
started raining, forgive me,” Lexa said in a rush of words that barely filtered inside Raven’s brain.
“No, no, I mean, yes, I’m cold, but that’s not why I want to get inside. I am worried you will get
sick.”
“I’m okay, do not worry,” Lexa said, pushing a drenched strand of dark hair behind Raven’s ear.
She then braced herself on the nearest object, being the door frame that led into her quarters, she
held onto it with one arm and wrapped her arm around Raven’s back with the other, pushing herself
to her feet and willing her legs to hold in the process.
Their recent activities were quickly catching up to her and she was starting to feel quite drained,
her bones feeling like lead, dragging her down to the floor. She managed to settle Raven onto her
bed, wrapping her up in blankets before getting herself into a robe and walking towards the door.
Both warriors standing post refused to look at her as she opened the door.
“Tell the handmaidens to prepare a warm bath for me, now.”
“Yes, Heda,” both warriors responded, only one of them walking a way to look for Lana, or one of
the other handmaidens. Lexa made her way back inside, sitting next to Raven and feeling her
cheeks heat up as soon as the omega pressed against her side, looking for warmth.
“Why do you enjoy the rain so much? You seem to enjoy being in it,” Lexa asked as Raven nestled
her head against her neck, the tip of her nose brushing against the side of her neck.
“It smells like you, or you smell like it, I am not sure,” Raven muttered sleepily, “I really like it,”
she said, pressing her nose further against Lexa’s neck.
Before Lexa could say anything in response several handmaidens moved inside the room, carrying
buckets of warm water, making sure it wouldn’t take more than one trip to fill the tub. Soon they
were all gone, leaving only Lana in the bathroom. After a few moments the young handmaiden
came outside the bathroom, standing before her Heda with a small smile on her face.
“Your bath is ready, Heda, is there anything else I can do for you?”
“Stoke the fire and bring more blankets as well as dinner. Are all the ambassadors within the tower
for tonight’s audience?” Lexa asked, dreading the notion of leaving her room when she felt so very
exhausted, she felt like she would collapse if she didn’t rest at least for a few hours.
“No, Heda, the Sangeda and Trishana Ambassadors were meant to come back today, but it is safe
to assume that the recent storms have delayed them, it is said that the rain might not stop until
tomorrow at least.”
“The audience will be delayed until they arrive, there is no point on discussing something that we
won’t be able to vote on after because of the absence of two ambassadors.”
“I will notify everyone involved, Heda, should I let them know you will not be available for the
rest of the day?”
“Yes, Lana, thank you. I wish to not be bothered, unless something urgent comes up.”
“Yes, Heda, I will also bring your medicine. Everything should be ready when you finish your
bath.” Lana said before leaving.
“Does that mean that I get to keep you for myself?” Raven asked, tilting her head back to look up
at the Heda.
“Yes,” Lexa responded, picking the omega up and moving her towards the bathroom, lowering her
into the tub and kneeling besides it.
“Oh, please, we already talked about this, get in!” Raven said, giving the Commander a very
pronounced eye roll.
“I didn’t want to assume,” the Commander said, her cheeks heating up as she made her way inside
the tub, settling behind Raven and enjoying the feeling of the omega pressing up against her chest.
“I know, I get it,” Raven said, twisting her hair back to press a soft kiss against her cheek. “Wish
we were in bed already.”
“I needed to get you warm, this is faster than just the blankets,” Lexa said, feeling very tired
herself. “We just need to stay for a few minutes.” Lexa said proceeding to wash herself and Raven
until they were both warm enough to leave the tub.
They got each other dry and then put on some underwear, after that they both got under the furs,
eyes tired and half closed.
“I’m sorry, I was very harsh with you, you will be uncomfortable,” Lexa said regretfully, her head
lolling to the side to look at Raven properly.
“I asked you to be that way, and I enjoyed it, there is nothing to apologize for. I am sorry I jumped
on you again, I know you are still recovering and that you shouldn’t be exerting yourself like this,”
Raven said, looking back at Lexa with a worried frown.
“I’m okay, I just need rest.”

“Let’s nap then,” Raven whispered, moving closer to the Commander’s space and cuddling up to
her chest, “I’m still kind of cold,” Raven lied, the bath had done wonders to lift her body
temperature, but she still couldn’t resist the temptation of falling asleep in the Commander’s arms.
“I can get you more blankets,” the Commander whispered, her eyes half closed with exhaustion,
her body so dreadfully tired she could barely feel her arms and legs, let alone move them. She
didn’t think she could actually get up to get more furs, but she would try if that meant Raven
would be comfortable.
“No, I’m perfect,” Raven mumbled sleepily, her forehead resting against the Heda’s collarbone,
“you are so warm,” she moved her hand up and down the Commander’s side, caressing soothing
shapes over her skin, lulling her to sleep.
Lexa hummed contently, her tongue too heavy to be moved as her eyes fell shut, sleeping didn’t
usually come so easily to her, but with Raven everything was different. She fell asleep with the
omega’s fingers tracing her spine, sending pleasant tickles and shivers up and down her back.
Raven felt asleep mere moments later, only needing to feel Lexa’s slow and even breathing wash
over her brow, and her heartbeat, calm and steady, pumping against Raven’s chest.
………………….
They slept away the afternoon, curling tightly around each other and free of aggravating dreams.
Waking up deep into the night to fill their bellies and, in Lexa’s case, have some medicine.
After that, the alpha stood from the bed and walked towards the small area of her room where a
few sofas and armchairs were located, she lifted the armchair she liked the most, the one she
considered more comfortable and located it near the balcony, facing the outside. She then went for
Raven, who had changed into a warm sweater and loose pants, and brought her back towards the
armchair.
“Like this you will be able to watch the rain and remain dry,” Lexa said, motioning the omega to
sit down.
“You sit,” Raven said, smiling at the Commander’s confused expression.

“It’s for you, Raven, we both won’t fit there.”
“Of course, we will! Come on, sit,” Raven said strongly, watching the Commander settle
comfortably on the armchair and look up at her with eyes that said: see? No more space.
Raven shot her a smile and moved towards the bed, grabbing one of the blankets before moving
back towards the Heda and sitting comfortably right on her lap. The alpha was blatantly surprised,
eyes wide and cheeks pink as Raven wrapped one arm around her neck settling sideways against
her chest, her legs folding over the side of the arm chair as she spread the blanket over their laps
with her free hand. Upon getting over her surprise, Lexa wrapped one arm around Raven’s back,
offering her some support.
“See? We fit perfectly,” Raven said with a brilliant smile.
“You are sure you are comfortable like this? I can get another chair,” the Commander asked, her
doubts crawling up the back of her neck. Raven offered a gentle smile and pressed a soft kiss on
her forehead.
“I’m great, you know I enjoy being pressed up against you,” Raven said, settling on the
Commander’s chest and looking outside, lightning crossed the sky once more, it’s flashing light
washing over Raven’s face as the rumble of thunder spread in the air. “That’s so epic, it feels
powerful. I had never seen anything like it.”
“It is very powerful and it can cause great destruction, but there is no denying it’s beauty.”
“Just like you then,” Raven said without much of a thought. “There is no other person in the world
right now that holds more power than you do, and I know well that you would destroy anything
that might threaten your people, but still, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met,” Raven
whispered, her gaze lost in Lexa’s eyes, her hand reaching up to cup her cheek, to brush her thumb
over the sharp edge of her jaw.
“How can I be that person when my destruction has touched you?” Lexa said regretfully, her eyes
losing their glow as she reached to touch the underside of Raven’s right arm, where her own blade
had split skin, leaving behind a thick scar.
“That is not on you, Lex,” Raven said, the nickname escaping her mouth before she could think
about it, “I was framed, there was evidence against me, I wouldn’t have been hurt if Gustus hadn’t
planted that evidence against me, and I know…” Raven said as she brushed her thumb over Lexa’s
cheek, “... that you were hurt much worse that day.”
Lexa looked away, not wanting Raven to see the glistening tears in her eyes. The omega held onto
her chin gently, tilting Lexa’s head to the side so they would be eye to eye once more.
“His betrayal, his lack of trust on your vision, having to end his fight yourself… We were both hurt
that day and it was all caused by his decisions, not yours,” Raven said gently, her eyes sure as she
willed Lexa to understand.
“I am not able of seeing the beauty in me that you see, not right now, but that’s okay, you are more
than beautiful enough for the both of us,” the alpha whispered, her fingers tracing the faded scar on
the back of Raven’s arm.
“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven said, clutching her eyes shut as she pressed her lips
forehead against Lexa’s, biting at her bottom lip and aching to cover the Commander’s mouth with
her own.
“It is not my intention to make you want to kiss me,” the Commander whispered, her breath warm
and sweet over Raven’s lips.
“I know, and that makes me want to kiss you even more,” Raven said, her hand running up the
Commander’s chest, over her shoulder and towards the back of her neck, pulling her close as she
buried her fingers in soft wavy hair.
Their lips met in heat, the kind of heat that lightning produced as it met the ground, strong enough
to light trees on fire. The sensation of it felt loud in many ways, overwhelming in how Raven could
feel its effects down to her toes and across her whole body. Raven’s nose brushed the Heda’s as she
tilted her head to the side, deepening the kiss, letting her tongue caress the alpha’s in a fleeting
gesture that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.
Ending up in bed was not a surprise. Having the Commander buried inside of her felt like a
reassurance, each thrust, each kiss, each touch… they felt like balms, healing and soothing. And
still, somehow, they managed to be like lightning, intense and powerful, sending searing heat up
and down her veins. Raven realized that there was no other place where she had ever felt so strong
and so vulnerable, and during the finishing moments that realization was what made the euphoria
that came with climax all-consuming, profound and so very extraordinary.
“Raven, please, I am sorry,” the Commander said, alarmed by the tears she could see trailing down
Raven’s temples. She wanted to pull out, to put distance between them, but Raven’s hold around
her back was too strong, not letting her move.
“These are good tears, Lex, that just felt really good,” Raven said, looking up at the Heda with a
smile as she gently massaged the back of her neck. “Sometimes things feel so good or make you so
happy that a few tears just escape you.”
“Oh, I think I understand,” the Commander said, the tiny confused frown that Raven loved so
much settled firmly on her face.
“Really?”
“Yes, I felt like crying when you asked me to be your friend,” Lexa said, her eyes not shying away
from Raven’s as she tried to catch as many tears as she could with her thumb. “I didn’t allow
myself to do it, I didn’t want you to think it had made me upset, but knowing that good and happy
things can also lead to crying makes sense to me, my eyes were burning in that moment.”
“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven said, tears rolling down the sides of her smile as she
pulled Lexa down for a kiss, her hips coming to life on their own accord, making a low groan
bubble up from the back of the Heda’s throat.
They came together time and time again, until their bodies were completely spent, slick with sweat,
limbs no longer working as they should. Lexa fell to the side, doing her best not to crush Raven
with her weight as her arms and legs trembled with exertion, her chest heaving up and down for air.
Raven was left in a similar state, boneless and quickly falling into a deep sleep, beads of sweat
rolling down every inch of her body. Still, she managed to find the strength to roll into the alpha’s
chest, resting her head over a soft breast and wrapping one arm over toned abs before going
completely still.
Lexa could only look down at her, wondering what she had done to deserve such a gift in her life as
she pulled the furs over their cooling bodies, allowing herself to finally close her eyes.
……….
Raven’s knee connected with something warm and soft and even in her sleepy daze she knew she
had just kneed the Commander in the gut.
“Shit, sorry,” Raven mumbled into the alpha’s chest, her throat aching furiously with each word.
She knew well that the hit had surely woken her up. She just felt so overheated, her body boiling
under the furs and against Lexa’s body. “I’m so hot in here, I just need to get these furs off of me.”
The furs were out the way in an instant, the Commander having grabbed them and tossed them to
the bottom of the bed. Cool air washed over Raven and she sighed in relief, she still felt overheated
but less so, and she refused to move away from the Commander’s body, her scent was too nice,
except… except she could barely smell anything.
Raven opened her eyes, frowning in confusion and looking up at the Commander, who was already
looking back at her with concerned green eyes.
“I can barely sense your scent, can you stop suppressing it and just let it out like a normal person,”
Raven said, her throat so impossibly sore. She frowned to herself and continued talking before the
Commander could say anything. “I think you took the ‘making me scream’ thing too seriously, my
throat really hurts. I never thought I would say this but maybe we overdid it with the sex,
everything hurts.”
“Raven, you are sick,” Lexa said, her eyes slightly wide as she cupped Raven’s face in her hands,
her palms feeling the heat coming from the omega’s body.
“What?” Raven asked, blinking quickly.
“You are burning up, do not worry, I will find the Skaikru healer and bring him right away,” Lexa
said, standing up from the bed and getting quickly changed, leaving the room before Raven could
react.
The omega fell back onto the bed with an annoyed groan, of course she had gotten sick, being in
the rain so often after having never even seen it before, her body obviously hadn’t been ready for
it. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands and reached for her shirt and underwear, putting
them on, not happy with the idea of Jackson of all people seeing her naked.
Only moments later the doors opened and in came the Commander, Lana and Jackson, looking like
he had just been dragged out of bed as he carried his medical bag with an annoyed look on his face.
He sat at Raven’s side and started his examination, the Commander standing right behind him and
seemingly breathing down his neck as she made sure he wasn’t doing anything to hurt her.
“It seems like a regular case of the flu,” Jackson said, “the fever feels a little high for my taste so
we are going to put you on some medications to lower it, I will leave you something for the
headaches and body aches. You need to stay hydrated, having warm drinks and food that won’t be
too hard on the stomach. It won’t go away for a few more days so the best we can do is try to keep
you comfortable until it goes away.”
“Great, this is awesome,” Raven said, as she took the pills offered to her and swallowed them with
a few gulps of water.
“Do not worry, you will be well taken care of,” the Commander was quick to reassure.
“I do not recommend she stays with you; you are still weakened and more prone to catching what
Raven has,” Jackson said after he stood up, gathering his things and putting them back in his bag.
“Considering the way Raven and I spent the day it would seem that I have been more than exposed
to what she has, if I get it then I get it,” the Commander said strongly, she would not let Raven out
of her sight.
“Commander-”
“I’ve heard enough, Jackson, I expect you to be here for Raven all through her recovery, I will not
accept her getting worse and if that happens, I will blame you, am I clear?”
“Yes, Commander,” Jackson said, his eyes wide and frightened, offering the Commander a court
bow before leaving.
“Lana, fetch me cool water and a cloth, we must do our best to cool her down,” the Commander
ordered.
“Yes, Heda,” the young girl said before walking away.
“Lexa,” Raven said, giving the Commander a reprimanding look as the Heda settled back into the
bed, pressing the back of her hand to Raven’s forehead with a frown. “If Jackson says it’d be best
for us not to be too close, then we should listen to him.”
“Raven, we were kissing just a few hours ago, if I get sick then I get sick, it makes no sense to put
space between us now. I desire to check on your recovery myself,” Lexa said, getting a thinner
blanket and draping it over Raven, doing what she could so she wouldn’t be too hot.
“You do realize that I am going to be feeling very guilty if you do get sick?” Raven said, looking
up at the Commander with a frown on her face.
“You should not feel that way, staying by your side is my choice, a choice I will not regret.”
“Stop, stop, stop!” Raven said, clutching her eyes shut and turning her face away from Lexa,
burying the side of her face in the pillow under her head. “You can’t say things like that! You keep
making me want to kiss you and we can’t do that!”
The next thing she felt was the gentle press of soft lips against her cheek, they lingered there for a
few seconds before pulling back, not letting Raven know if the heat that had rushed up to her face
was a result from the fever or from the kiss itself.
“Was that okay?” the alpha asked tentatively, wondering if she had overstepped.
“Yeah,” Raven said softly, looking up at the Heda with a small smile, “that was perfect,” she said,
receiving a smile in return from the alpha.
Lana came back then, placing a basin with cool water on the night table and offering the
Commander a couple of soft white cloths.
“Lana, bring a jug of water also, after that you may go back to sleep,” the Commander said,
soaking the cloth and getting rid of the excess of water before running it gently over Raven’s
forehead.
“Yes, Heda,” Lana said, going for the jug and placing it on the nearest table paired with a few cups.
“Is this okay?” Lexa asked quietly, watching Raven’s eyes flutter closed under the sensation of the
cool water on her burning skin.
“That feels really nice,” Raven mumbled, her breathing slowing down as she fell asleep.
“Sleep,” the Commander whispered, pressing the cloth over Raven’s forehead before dipping
another in the water and later placing it over Raven’s neck. “You’ll get better soon.”
…………….
Raven didn’t think the Commander could possibly get any sweeter, she had been through war,
through loss, through heartbreak… Raven didn’t understand how could she be sweet at all to begin
with, so there was no possible way she could get sweeter, not a chance.
She was so wrong.
During the days that followed the Commander made sure to wake up a couple of times every night
to change the cold compresses she had placed over Raven’s forehead and neck. She took Raven to
the bathroom to make sure she wouldn’t get lightheaded and fall, she came to check on her after
her meetings, during lunch, before training, and during every single second she had to spare she
would go to Raven, even if it was only for a couple of seconds.
When the coughing got too bad, she would always rub Raven’s back, asking first of course, still not
daring to touch her without permission. She made sure Raven was eating and drinking enough,
going as far as feeding Raven herself when the omega felt too achy and exhausted to do it herself.
She prepared cool baths for Raven, bathing her with her own hands, running a sponge over the
omega’s skin, getting rid of the sweat when the omega was too weak to keep herself clean. She
made sure Raven took her meds as well, and she had brought the best healer in Polis to give her a
second opinion.
She was exhausting herself, wearing herself to the bone, Raven could see it. She could see the dark
bags under her eyes as they got bigger and darker after each day, she could see it in the heavy hang
of her shoulders, in how her usually perfect posture seemed suddenly very hard to maintain during
the day. She could see it in how the Commander’s movements seemed to be slower than they were
before, in how even her Nightbloods had managed to get some hits in during training, something
that almost never happened.
“You really need to rest,” Raven said, wrapped up in a blanket, sniffing and coughing like her life
depended on it.
“I am well, Raven,” the Commander said, moving towards the omega with a weird looking flask in
her hands, “this will help you breathe better; may I lift your shirt?”
“Oh, yes, please, my boobs have been missing your hands,” Raven said, smiling to herself at the
Commander’s amused smile.
“My hands will go nowhere near your breasts, Raven, you need to sleep,” Lexa said, rolling
Raven’s shirt up to her collarbones as she spread some of the ointment all over her chest, it felt kind
of cold and smelled herbal, that was as far as Raven’s descriptions could go, but she would be lying
if she said it didn’t help, whatever the ointment was made of was doing a wonderful job at clearing
her airway and lessening the soreness in her chest.
“That feels nice,” Raven said, enjoying the feeling of the Commander’s hands on her skin.
“This will help you breathe better; I assure you,” Lexa said, putting the ointment away and
cleaning her hands.
“I know, I trust you, I just wish you relaxed a little, you have been wearing your worried frown for
a few days now, and don’t get me wrong, it’s really cute, I’d just rather see you unconcerned,”
Raven said, waiting for the Commander to look up and meet her eyes.
“I will be well when you get well,” Lexa said strongly, pouring Raven a glass of water and making
her drink it.
“It’s just the flu, Lex, there is no reason to worry,” Raven said, knowing that had been the wrong
thing to say when the Commander looked back at her with a sad expression on her face.
“It starts as just the flu and then it gets worse, things get complicated, and before long there is
nothing to do. People die from the flu, Raven, I have seen it.”
“That’s not happening to me, Lex, our medicine won’t allow it, in a couple more days I will be as
good as new,” Raven said reassuringly, finally understanding.
“Yes, you will be, I am making sure of that,” Lexa said, pulling the blanket up to Raven’s
shoulders before standing up and leaning down. “May I?” She asked, brushing her thumb over
Raven’s heated cheek.
“Yes,” Raven said, feeling the Commander’s lips make contact with her cheek before turning
towards the door. “Try not to worry, okay?”
“Go to sleep, Raven,” the Commander said, completely ignoring the omega’s comment as she left
the room.
……………………….
Raven was sitting in the tub, not enjoying it quite as much because the hot alpha that was usually in
it with her had refused to get in, and was instead kneeling next to the tub with her sleeves rolled up
to her elbows.
“Don’t look at me like that, please,” the Commander said as she ran the sponge gently down
Raven’s back.
“But I want to lean back against those gorgeous abs of yours,” Raven said, giving the Commander
the biggest pout she had ever given anyone in her entire life. The alpha couldn’t take it, turning
away from Raven to avoid looking at her face.
“You need to go back to bed, if I get in with you, we will take too long to get out,” Lexa said, using
a wooden cup to let water run down Raven’s back, taking away the left-over soap.
“Why? What did you plan on doing when you got in?” Raven said, a smirk firmly in place as she
watched the Commander blush and scramble for words.
“Nothing, I have a council meeting, I can’t afford to waste time getting changed again,” the
Commander said, avoiding Raven’s eyes as she continued to rinse the soap from her body.
“Hey, I don’t think I have said thank you for all of this, you have made sure this flu thing doesn’t
suck as much, and I really appreciate it.”
“No needs for thanks, Raven, we are responsible for the things we tame, yes?” the Commander
said, looking up at her with a tiny smile on her lips.
“Yes, we are. Still, there is no harm in a thank you.”
“I feel like every moment with you is a gift that life is giving me, please, don’t thank me, not for
this,” the Commander said, her voice unwavering and sure, her eyes as soft as the smile on her lips.
And yes, Raven was sick, she was tired, she probably looked awful, but what could she do in that
moment? What could she do… other than kiss her?
There didn’t seem to be any other logical responses to that question, so before Lexa could react
Raven was wrapping her arms around her shoulders and pressing a searing kiss to her lips. Her eyes
stayed closed as she sighed contently into the Commander’s mouth, her hands gently massaging
the back of her neck as she continued to gently suck her bottom lip with both her own.
“I thought you were trying to not get me sick,” the Commander said, dazed and out of breath, her
face inches away from Raven’s as she gently nuzzled her nose against the omega’s.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, pressing another kiss to her lips, gentle, chaste,
a peck and nothing more, “you forced me to kiss you.”
“What?” the Commander asked, the sheer terror in her voice telling Raven she had definitely
chosen the wrong words. She tried to pull back but Raven kept her in place, keeping her hold tight
around the alpha’s shoulders.
“No, no, no, shit, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that I couldn’t not kiss you after what you said. I
wanted to kiss you so much I just couldn’t stop myself.”
“Oh, okay,” Lexa said, her whole being seeming to deflate in relief, “I’m sorry, my mind went
somewhere else.”
“I know exactly where it went, and I am sorry, I used the worst words possible,” Raven said,
letting her lips rest on the Commander’s in a sweet kiss. “I really enjoy kissing you, you need to
know that if I’m doing it, I’m surely having the time of my life.”
“Yes?” the Commander asked, still hesitant, she felt like the rug had been pulled violently from
under her feet, and getting back into gear was proving to be a little bit difficult.
“Yes,” Raven said with finality, “if it was up to me I would have spent the last couple of days
kissing you everywhere, all the time,” she whispered right by Lexa’s ear, knowing the alpha was
affected when she held onto Raven’s hands and pulled them off of her body.
“Stop, we can’t do anything like that,” Lexa said, standing up to look for a towel.
“Why not?” Raven asked, breaking into a coughing fit a few seconds later. Lexa just gave her a
look in response. “Okay, but as soon as I am not sick.”
“As soon as you are not sick,” Lexa responded with a nod, wrapping Raven in a towel and picking
her up. The omega wrapped her arms happily around Lexa’s neck, pressing her forehead against the
side of her face.
“You are so strong, it’s really hot, you know?” Raven asked, glancing at the alpha’s profile with a
smirk, watching the alpha’s tiny ear turn pink.
“You are beautiful, Raven,” She said, as she placed her gently on the bed. The Commander then
glanced towards the nearest window, trying to tell what time it was by the position of the sun. “I
must go now, but I will send Lana in so she helps you change. May I?” the Commander asked as
she leaned down, receiving a nod in response like she always did.
“I will come see you very soon, okay?” the Commander said, placing a kiss on Raven’s cheek.
“I know you are busy and I am fine, don’t stress about it,” Raven tried, but as usual, the
Commander ignored her comment.
“Rest, Raven.”
…………………….
She woke up to the nice sensation of something cool been pressed against her forehead, she
blinked her eyes open with a smile, looking up to see Lexa running a cloth over her skin while
exporting a massive bruise over her cheekbone and a split lip. The nice sensation from before
vanished all at once and in seconds Raven was cupping the Commander’s face in her hands.
“Lexa, what the hell happened?”
“Aden hit me across the face with his weapon, he is better than I was at his age,” Lexa said fondly,
as she moved her hand down, running the cloth gently down the omega’s neck and collarbones.
She was very slow, very gentle, making sure all the droplets of sweat were gone, making sure
Raven would be comfortable.
“Or maybe you were falling asleep while fighting him, you are tired, Lex, you can barely keep
your eyes open,” Raven said, looking up at the Commander’s swollen and bloodshot eyes, the dark
bags under them casting her face in shadows. She knew the Commander had been in no state to
take care of her, not when she was barely recovered from her own illness, but there had been
nothing anyone could have said to dissuade her from doing it.
“Your fever has broken,” Lexa said, ignoring Raven’s comment, she would never express how
tired she was. Knowing that Raven’s fever was breaking was already making her feel better.
“Hey, don’t ignore me, I get to worry about you as much as you worry about me, you need a nap,”
Raven said, brushing her thumb over the large bruise on the Commander’s face without pressing
into it, the last thing she wanted was to hurt the alpha.
“I have to give a lesson to the Nightbloods within the hour, Raven, I am well.”
“An hour is more than enough, get in here,” Raven said, pulling the alpha into bed, the
Commander didn’t even take her coat or her boots off. She laid down on the edge of the bed and
soon enough Raven was cuddling up to her side, resting her head on the Commander’s chest and
wrapping an arm around her middle to keep her from getting up.
The Commander smiled contently, letting out a sigh as she wrapped her own arm around Raven’s
back.
“Sleep,” Raven ordered, pumping out comforting pheromones to help the alpha fall asleep.
With the comforting warmth of Raven’s body over her own, and with her sweet scent filling her
chest Lexa’s eyes fell closed, putting her quickly in a deep sleep.
……………….
Lexa had placed the armchair out on the balcony, making sure to put it back inside the room if it
started raining. At night she would grab a blanket and sit down on it, and with Raven comfortably
perched on her lap she would wrap the blanket around the both of them. They would talk about the
stars, about asteroids and comets, about constellations. And sometimes, when Raven’s throat
would be particularly sore, they would not talk at all. They would just sit there, keeping each other
company until they were both too sleepy to stay up any longer.
On that particular night Raven wasn’t as exhausted as usual, her fever had broken earlier, she
didn’t feel as sore and she could breathe fine, she was better, the Commander had made sure of it.
She had been in the middle of talking about Rigel, one of the stars belonging to the constellation of
Orion, when she lifted her head from Lexa’s shoulder and looked at her, the bruise on her cheek
and her swollen lip painfully evident under the light of the moon. She had been falling asleep,
Raven could tell, but after feeling the omega’s gaze she blinked quickly, trying to pull herself from
the grip of unconsciousness.
Raven smiled at her, the sight of a sleepy Heda was so impossibly adorable. Her face slack, free of
all signs of stress or worry, her lips just slightly parted as soft breaths moved in and out. Raven
loved seeing her so calm, so relaxed.
“Looks like it’s time to go to bed, Heda,” Raven said, pressing her hand over the Commander’s bad
shoulder and rubbing gently, massaging the weakened muscles until the Heda was humming in
content.
“No, forgive me, it is not my intention to fall asleep on you.”
“It’s totally fine, let’s go to bed.”
“No, we have been here for less than 10 minutes, I enjoy listening to you speaking about the stars,”
Lexa said, lifting her hand to rub at her eyes with it, Raven intercepted her wrist and held it over
her lap.
“You are tired, I can tell you these things another time.”
“Forgive me, it is too easy for me to sleep when I’m with you,” Lexa said, her eyes sleepy and tired
as she looked back at the omega.
“Yeah?” Raven asked, her eyebrows arching in surprise as a smile spread across her face.
“Yes, for me falling asleep has always been hard. When I was young and alone, having no one to
look after me, falling asleep was dangerous, anything could happen when I wasn’t looking. I tried
to resist as much as I could, to fight it, I wouldn’t fall asleep until my body shut down without my
permission. I guess that part of me never truly left… Most nights it takes me a few hours to fall
asleep, sometimes it doesn’t happen and I lie awake until morning, some other times there’s the
nightmares… but now… these last few days… with you… I fall asleep so fast… I truly don’t mean
to, the last thing I want is for you to think that I am bored, or that I am not interested in what you
are saying-”
“Hey, hey, wait, don’t go there,” Raven said, cupping the side of Lexa’s face and brushing her
thumb over the shell of her tiny ear. “I didn’t think that you found me boring, I just assumed you
were really tired, which I can understand, given that you have been taking care of me, keeping up
with your duties and trying to recover at the same time… It’s a lot, I am actually glad me being
here helps you sleep better.”
“You talking to me makes it even easier, I am very fond of the sound of your voice.”
“Yeah?” Raven asked, her voice made softer still with Lexa’s words, “Let’s go to bed then, I’ll tell
you all I know about the Constellation of Orion.”
Lexa nodded her head, securing her hold under Raven’s knees and behind her back before standing
up with the Mechanic safe in her arms.
They laid in bed together, resting on their sides as they faced each other, Raven went on and on
about stars, watching as her voice and words did their work on the Commander, making her eyelids
fall just a little heavier with every blink.
“Don’t fight it, don’t fight it, remember what I told you a while back? You will see the stars when
you close your eyes, you will see the sun.”
“The sun, yes,” Lexa said in a sleepy mumble, her eyes falling shut as Raven moved a little closer,
letting her forehead touch the Commander’s. “Wake me if you need anything, yes?” She asked,
making Raven smile in endearment in the process.
“I will,” Raven lied, knowing Lexa wouldn’t let herself fall asleep otherwise, and knowing that the
Commander would wake up either way if she moved out of the bed. “Sleep,” Raven said, feeling
the Commander nod and her breathing even out quickly after.
Raven pulled up the furs and tucked them under the Commander’s chin, moving as close to her as
she possibly could without disturbing her and closing her eyes. She felt asleep quickly after.
………………….
The next day Lexa woke up early, hours before Raven would awaken, she felt well rested, and in
the early morning she was stricken by clarity. Her thoughts aligned all at once as she made a
decision, she would protect her friendship with Raven, she would keep it safe from Titus, from
whatever and whoever else may get in the way, and most importantly, she would keep it safe from
herself.
Lexa got out of bed carefully, doing her best to not wake the omega and reached for her journal,
opening it and going back several pages. She reached the entries she had made during her stay in
Skaikru, particularly, the pages she had written the morning after Raven had brought her the Star
Lamp to help her sleep.
She ran her fingertips over the words for a moment before she started reading.
Cos,
Something changed inside of me when I saw the artificial lights of the stars reflect in her eyes. It is
not something I can describe, but the abrupt manner in which the world seemed to tilt on its axis
reminded me of my time as a Second, of how a twig would snap under my foot if I didn’t walk
carefully enough. In a way, this is the same, I don’t know when, or how, but at some point I
stopped being careful around her. My steps became heavy, I lost my way and I stopped looking
where I was going. I stepped on a twig and it snapped, loudly, it only took a second, my foot falling
a little too hard over the wood, the sound of it breaking echoing in my ears. One day, if I continue
to walk so carelessly, I might fall face first into the abyss, and there will be no salvation.
I don’t have any other way to explain it, when I saw the light in her eyes, the delight in her smile,
something inside of me snapped, suddenly, unexpectedly. She smiles oh so easily, fully, wide… I
feel like the sun is rising every time she does it, it is frightening me, I am willing to do anything to
see that smile, to be the one provoking it, to be the one she thinks of when she’s joyous enough to
smile like that.
I believe that to be my favorite thing about her. No, I am sure. All she has to do is smile at me and I
will surely fall to my knees at her feet. When did this happen, Cos? How did it happen? She’s loud
and blunt, she’s rebellious and fun, she is also very kind and will offer her help in whatever way
she can. She is strong, and I can see the courage that burns in her heart, with the heat of a
thousand suns, every time I look at her.
What did I do to deserve having such a magnificent creature caring for me?
I think it is safe to say that I don’t deserve her, but I can’t help but want her, we have been getting
to know each other for what feels like a lifetime. I know I don’t know all of her yet, but I think I
know who she is, I think I know her heart, I think she has shown it to me, willingly. She has shared
her passions with me, her passion for her work, for the stars, her drive to help others. She is a
burning sun, Cos, bright and warm, full of life. She is a star, and as she explained to me, stars die.
Every person I have ever loved has been lost to ruin and death, you, Anya, Gustus, my brothers
and sisters… She almost dies by my hand, by my orders, and she stills has found a way to care for
me… a little bit, she said, isn’t that unbelievable? Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it the most precious gift?
I’m afraid these feelings that bloom beneath my breast will be her doom, her ruin, her demise. I’m
afraid that by loving her I will be signing her death sentence. When all of this started, I thought it
would never be more than carnal bliss, but after knowing her, how could I not become weak for
her?
Having her feels like life is giving me a gift, and still, caring for her the way I do will only put her
in danger, what will become of me if tragedy falls upon her? What would become of all living
things if the sun was suddenly gone? They would perish; and I am afraid, because I know with
certainty, that the remnants of my heart would wither away, like flowers left in the dark, if I were to
lose her.
Lexa sighed, her heart racing as she looked at the pages in front of her, as she stared down at the
reflection of her feelings. Nothing like that could ever happen, not if she wanted to keep Raven
safe. They would be what Raven wanted them to be, friends, with the benefit of sexual release
whenever the omega wished for it. Lexa would never endanger that, threaten what they had with
her feelings, feelings that the omega probably wouldn’t reciprocate, feelings that could make her
pull away. No, Lexa couldn’t let that happen, after all, the only reason she had allowed herself to
share her bed with Raven was because she was absolutely certain that the omega could never love
her the way only one person had loved her before. It was impossible, especially after everything
Lexa had put her through.
She was lucky Raven had even offered to be her friend, she could not jeopardize that with her
feelings, there was no need for that, Raven already gave her more than she deserved, she was
happy, she was content with what they had and Lexa would never ruin it by asking for more,
expecting Raven to love her in ways she didn’t deserve to be loved. No, having Raven as her friend
was more than enough, and she would protect that, yes, she would keep what they had safe from
everything, including her own feelings.
“If you keep thinking that hard you will make your brain bleed,” Raven said from the bed, her
voice partially muffled by the pillows surrounding her head. Lexa was quick to put her journal
away, making sure no one could see it. “Your loud thinking woke me up.”
“Forgive me,” Lexa said as she walked over to the bed and laid down next to the omega. “I didn’t
mean to wake you, how are you feeling?”
“I feel much better, but wait, don’t distract me, what’s going on with you?”
“Nothing, I was just reading my journal, helps me keep my thoughts clear,” Lexa said, keeping her
tone clear as she tried not to feel guilty for lying, she hated not been able to tell Raven the truth, but
it was too much of a risk, she couldn’t lose her, she couldn’t.
Raven frowned in concern, incorporating herself slightly to be able to see Lexa better.
“You sure? If you need me to blow someone up for you just say it, I’d be thrilled to help you out,”
Raven said, feeling pretty proud of herself when the Commander smiled.
“Yes, I am sure, do not worry.”
“That sucks, I was wishing to shove a bomb up Titus ass, watch him go boom, you know?”
Warm spread over the omega’s chest at Lexa’s quiet laugh.
“Thinking about your hands anywhere near his behind is rather disturbing,” Lexa said, making
Raven’s face twist between disgust and laughter.
“Ew, Lex, there’s no way I’ll be getting that out of my head now!” Raven said, making them both
erupt in quiet laughter.
Lexa watched her, radiant under the soft rays of the morning sun, beautiful in a thick sweater with
her hair messy and with pillow marks over her cheeks, happy as she described in vivid detail what
would happen if they somehow managed to put a bomb inside Titus body. Lexa already knew she
couldn’t lose her, but moments like those only made the feeling stronger.
“He is not so bad,” Lexa said, knowing that Titus meant well. She then tried to suppress a smile at
the unimpressed expression on Raven’s face.
“He tried to mess with us, he didn’t give you pain meds when you needed them, he has let women
inside your rooms knowing you did not agree to it, he could have gotten you killed, he is a fucking
asshole and he doesn’t care about anything other than the flame or whatever. I would kill him if
that wouldn’t create an even bigger mess for both of us,” Raven said, watching as the Commander
went pale, her eyes widening in horror as the pallor on her face gave away to a greenish tone. “You
would have to kill me, wouldn’t you?” Raven asked, even if she already knew the answer.
The Commander didn’t say anything, she just stayed there, frozen in fear as she looked back at
Raven.
“I would never put you in that position, I promise,” Raven said, pulling the Commander into her
chest and drawing light circles on the back of her neck. “I just hate that no one truly has your back
here, I hate that he is so ready to hurt you for the sake of the greater good.”
“It’s fine, Raven, I can take care of myself,” Lexa said trying to ease the omega’s worries and at
the same time feeling so warm inside at Raven’s protectiveness.
“Sure, you can,” Raven said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “You shouldn’t have to, you don’t
have to, I got your back, okay?”
Lexa looked up, her eyes meeting intense brown ones. The Commander could feel her heart racing
in her chest, the back of her eyes stinging.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me for that,” Raven said, placing a soft kiss on the Commander’s forehead. “The
good thing about not killing Titus is that I can fantasize about killing him in different creative and
innovative ways,” Raven said, smiling to herself when she felt the Commander’s own smile
against her neck.
And Lexa was sure then, she could not endanger what they had. She would protect it, from anyone,
from anything…
… from herself.
Chapter End Notes
How did you guys react to knowing that Lexa has known about her feelings for quite
some time now?
Give me all your thoughts in the Comments please!!

Chapter 9
Chapter Notes
Hey guys, sorry about the long wait, I wanted to tell you about some things that are
going on here so you give me your opinion on a few things. So, I'm on my last
semester of University which means that I'm doing a practicum of sorts, I'm working
from 8-18, which is a big change from just having class a few hours each day, after
that I have therapy once a week and gym the rest, which means that I make it home
around 20-21. I know you probably don't really care about any of this but the point is
that I don't have as much time to write as I did before, which is why I want to know if
you'd like shorter but quicker updates, or normal lenght updates that would take longer
to come? I know this update took the usual month, but that wouldn't be the case for the
next while. A normal lenght update, the ones you have been getting for as long as this
story has been going on could take up to two months, maybe more. So please, let me
know in the comment section if you'd rather get shorter updates or wait the two
months.
Like always, thank you about the comments, I love them, I'm really happy all of you
are liking this story, I think this work has only been getting positive feedback and
that's a new and very pleasant experience for me. Let me know what you are
thinking!!!
I hope you are all have a great day/night.
See you in the comments!
“Which one is your favorite?” Raven asked, eyeing the various types of weapons that were laid out
in front of the Commander. They were in a section of the Markets that was close to the tower, there
were fewer people around there, and those who were close were soldiers. The Commander had
been called to review the new weapons and Raven hadn’t missed the chance to ask to come along,
the Commander hadn’t seen a problem with it and so there they were, looking at daggers, swords,
knives, bows and so on.
“A Commander must be proficient with all weapons,” Lexa said distractedly, as she picked up a
particularly beautiful sword, it’s blade long and thin, Raven didn’t need to touch it know that it was
sharp enough to cut her skin. The Commander held it up, seeing how it felt in her hand, how heavy
it was, how balanced.
“That’s not what I asked,” Raven said with a small smile, watching Lexa’s tiny frown of
concentration as she made a few movements with the sword. That particular look was impossibly
endearing and Raven had to restrain herself from stealing a kiss in the middle of the markets.
“The sword is the Commander’s traditional weapon,” Lexa said then, her eyes not moving away
from the sword in her hand.
Raven walked towards her and grabbed her hand, making the Heda lower her sword, once she
looked up the Commander’s eyes met her own.
“Again, that’s not what I asked,” Raven said, watching the Commander frown in confusion. Fuck.
She was so gorgeous. “I know you mostly carry swords and daggers, I have seen you carrying two
swords strapped to your back, but I want to know which one is your favorite weapon, the one you
would choose to wield if tradition didn’t make you use a sword.”
“Oh,” Lexa said, blinking quickly in understanding, “forgive me, I’ve not been asked that before,
come,” she said, guiding Raven towards a long table where various bows of different shapes and
sizes were laid out.
“Really?” Raven said with a smile and an arched eyebrow.
“Heda is particularly deadly with a bow,” the man standing behind the table said, he was the one
who made the bows, Raven assumed. “Heda is always deadly, but even more so when she is given
the chance to take aim.”
“Is that so?” Raven asked with a smile, turning to look at the man with interest.
“Yes, Heda never misses, not with the bow, not with knives. I saw her throw a knife into a man’s
neck once, she was not close.”
“Shit, how the hell do you aim for the neck, though? Can’t be easy,” Raven asked, looking back at
the Commander, not even trying to hide how impressed she was.
“I aim to kill, hitting central mass does not guarantee death, unless I aim for the heart that is,
because of that I usually aim for the neck, or the head, eyes mostly. The wrists and thighs are good
choices, too, people do not die immediately, but without medical attention, they bleed out in a few
minutes,” the Commander said, her tone deadpan and flat, emotionless, her eyes dark. Raven knew
that tone, and it wasn’t usually directed at her, she couldn’t help but think she had done something
to upset the Commander.
“Can you give me a moment to speak to your Heda in private?” Raven said, turning to bowyer.
“Yes, of course, you may go inside my hut,” he said, guiding them towards the door.
Once they were inside Raven faced the alpha, who was doing a very good job at avoiding her eyes.
“What’s going on? Is it because we are in public?” Raven asked, tilting her head down so her eyes
would meet Lexa’s. “You don’t usually speak to me like that, it isn’t rude or anything, it’s just
weird, and I want to know where it is coming from.”
“It is nothing, merely a senseless thought,” Lexa said, her eyes meeting Raven’s for a second
before they moved away.
“I doubt you are even capable of having senseless thoughts,” Raven said, tilting the Commander’s
chin up with her fingers. “What is it?”
“I know I am a monster, I am conscious of it, and still, I do not want that to be what you see when
you look at me, it is foolish,” the Commander said, looking away.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Raven said, her face shifting into a frown as she cupped the Commander’s face in
her hands, “Where the hell did that come from?”
“Killing is easy for me, Raven, I am good at it. I have lost count of how many people I have killed
in my life, of how many people have died because of my decisions… I know what I am… I just
wish I could be something different in your eyes, it’s foolish, forgive me,” Lexa said, looking away
once more, her jaw clenched tight under Raven’s hands, her hands curled into fists at her sides.
“You know it would only take a couple of my bombs to bring your tower down, right?” Raven
asked, her tone steady and calm as Lexa’s eyes turned to look at her. “I just need one night- No,
forget that, I just need a couple of hours to walk into a village and drop a couple explosives around,
then I could just walk away, set them off from afar, and just like that I would wipe them all out. I
make weapons of mass destruction, Lexa, weapons that kill people instantly and when they don’t,
they make them lose their limbs. Sometimes, if someone is too close when a bomb detonates there
is not even a body left-”
“Raven-” Lexa tried to say.

“No, you need to listen to me,” Raven said, stopping to breathe for a moment, “I have killed people
too, I know it is a monstrous thing to do, I know it, but it has always been an attempt to protect the
people I care about. I know it is the same for you, I know you don’t go around killing people for
pleasure, you do it to keep your people safe. And if that makes us monsters, then that’s what we
are, but make no mistake, that’s not what I see when I look at you.”
“But it used to be, yes?”
“Yes,” Raven responded honestly, “it was.”
“What made you think differently?” Lexa asked, trying to hide the flashing pain in her eyes.
“Being around you, seeing what it entails to fulfill your position, seeing how fragile it actually is...
You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and I truly wish it was an exaggeration, but it
is not. You are just doing the best you can, I see it, and if people don’t, they are just being idiots,”
Raven said, looking up at the Commander with a smile and gentle eyes.
“Thank you,” Lexa whispered, leaning in to press her forehead against Raven’s, feeling grounded
just by being there, in Raven’s presence.
“No need,” the omega said, leaning closer to bring the alpha into her arms, resting her head on
Lexa’s shoulder. “Let’s go back outside, maybe you could show me how to shoot a bow, or how to
throw a knife.”
“Would you like that?”
“Yes, for sure, will you?”
“Of course, it takes time and practice, and you would need to strengthen your upper body,” Lexa
mentioned, there were light bows, but an untrained body wouldn’t resist holding it up for long.
“Will I get biceps and shoulders like yours?” Raven asked, biting her bottom lip as she ran her
fingers over the Commander’s upper arms, almost feeling the tight corded muscle underneath.
“You are so strong, it’s really fucking sexy.”
“You are already beautiful, Raven and your arms are already lean and toned, I’m sure you will be
able to handle yourself well with the bow, some strengthening training is just always
recommended,” Lexa responded curling her arm around Raven’s waist and flattening her hand over
the omega’s back, running it gently up her spine before moving it down once more.
“Good to know you find me provocative enough,” Raven said with a smirk, “why don’t we go
outside before we end up having sex on that table over there?”
“Would you like that?” Lexa asked, her eyebrows arched as if she was actually considering it.
“I would, I’m a little tired though so maybe that wouldn’t be the best idea,” Raven said, watching
Lexa frown in concern.
“Are you feeling unwell?”
“No, not unwell, I feel much better, I just don’t think I have the energy to do that quite yet,” Raven
said, “We can give it a shot if you want to, though.”
“Of course not,” Lexa said, tightening her hold around Raven’s waist. “I don’t need that, I just
want you to feel better, I could ask one of my guards to take you back to my quarters, I need to
finish this but I would go visit as soon as I am finished.”
“No, no, I’m well enough to keep you company while you do this,” Raven said with a smile, the
feeling of the Commander’s hand on her back was actually making her feel quite loose and sleepy.
“It’s nice to see you out and about doing something that doesn’t stress you out as much as
everything else.”
“I’m not stressed.”
“Believe me, the face you have on when you are with me is not the same face you wear after a
meeting with the ambassadors, and it for sure isn’t the same face you had while simply reviewing
weapons,” Raven said with arched eyebrows, brushing her thumb gently over the Commander’s
cheek.
“Of course it is not the same, you are my friend, they are not. I could never see them how I see
you, you are special to me,” Lexa said, her fingers tapping a short pattern on Raven’s back, four
soft taps.
Raven groaned, tilting her head back as she bit the inside of her cheek, when she looked up the
Commander was gazing at her with an amused smile.
“Allow me to guess… I can’t say things like that?”
“Exactly,” Raven said, holding gently onto the back of the alpha’s neck before leaning in to kiss
her. Lexa’s plump lips welcomed her warmly, they were soft and pliant under her own, gentle in
the way they moved, sweet in the way her tongue brushed shily against Raven’s.
“You give the most spectacular kisses, you know?” Raven murmured, her eyes still closed, her
mind foggy as her lips continued to tingle.
“No, but I am pleased to hear that, I thought my lack of practice during the last few years would be
noticeable.”
“Not at all,” Raven said, placing a final chaste kiss over the Commander’s lips before pulling
away. “Let’s go, yes?”
“Yes.”
……………………………………..
“Archery is about balance, Raven,” Lexa said as she circled the omega, standing a few steps away
with the bow high in the air, her elbow pulled back as the inside of her right hand brushed against
her cheek. She was ready to let the arrow fly, but Lexa would not allow it, she was just circling her,
sometimes in silence, sometimes talking, sometimes stopping to fix Raven’s stance if she were to
falter. That had been going on for the past 5 minutes, Raven’s arms were burning, shaking with the
weight of the bow, trembling with the strength it took to pull at the string.
She wanted to shoot the damn bow, but Lexa wouldn’t let her.
“Balance here,” she said as she pressed her fingers over Raven’s temple, “and balance here,” she
said as she motioned at Raven’s body with her hand. “You might have a target in sight, but that
does not guarantee that you will hit it, you have to take distance into account, temperature, you
have to think about the wind, it can always send your arrow flying somewhere else, and you cannot
think about any of that if you are busy wondering when I will finally let you shoot the bow.”
“I was not thinking about that,” Raven lied through her teeth, breathing hard as she refused to lower
her arms.
Lexa hummed in response, an amused smile on her lips as she stood behind Raven, fixing her
stance once more, moving her elbow back to position, lifting her arm slightly, poking her back so
the omega would straighten.
“You don’t need to hold this so tightly,” Lexa whispered, her breath tickling Raven’s ear as she
placed her hand gently over Raven’s own, “relax your hand, take a deep breath, clear your head,
think of nothing but the target, now… let go.”
Oh. Shit.
“That’s not so bad, is it?” Raven said, eyes slightly wide as she watched the arrow, buried deep in
the edge of the target, one more inch to the left and she would have missed.
“No, Raven,” Lexa said with a smile, “that’s not so bad. Do you want to try that again?”
“Sure, sure, let’s do it.”
--------------------------------------
“I think I can’t feel my arms,” Raven said as she threw herself face first on Lexa’s bed.
“I told you to take a break,” Lexa said as she took off her boots, sitting beside the omega.
“You had fight training with the Nightbloods, what else was I supposed to do in the meantime?”
“Visit the markets, try to fix the machinery I got with the sole purpose of keeping you entertained
during your stay here, go to the clearing where the children play-”
“Okay, okay, I get it. I wanted to be around you, though,” Raven mumbled against the furs.
“I’m going to grab you now, okay?” the Commander said, waiting until Raven hummed in
approval before she held onto the omega’s shoulder and rolled her around until they were facing
each other. “I’m sorry I can’t spend all my time with you, I know that when I come back from my
duty, I’m tired and we don’t get time to spend much time together.”
“Don’t apologize, I know you are busy, the time I do get to spend with you is more than enough.”
“Yes?”
“Yes,” Raven said with a smile, “let’s lay down, my arms are useless right now, maybe I should go
train with you.”
“I think that would be a good idea, it would give me peace of mind to know that you would be able
to keep yourself safe,” the Commander said, taking her coat and her pants off, laying down only in
her undershirt and underwear.
“Is that something that concerns you?” Raven asked, rolling onto her side to face the alpha.
“Of course, Raven, I’m constantly concerned about your safety, I am unable to choose when I am
most worried. When you are with your people, who know nothing about life here, who rely too
heavily on their guns, who have poor knowledge about the land and how to move on it; when you
are here, next to me, I can look after you, but at the same time me being a target makes you one by
extension; when you are traveling between here and Arkadia, on that vehicle, so uncomfortable and
unstable on this terrain, fast, yes, but such speed could always make an accident so much worse-”
“Okay, okay, I get it, stop before you make your brain bleed,” Raven said with a small smile,
pressing her fingers over the tiny frown on the alpha’s forehead until it disappeared. I didn’t know
you were so worried.”
“How could I not be?” Lexa asked, “I care about you, Raven, immensely.”
“I know, I know, don’t get me wrong, I just… you already have so many things to worry about, I
wish I didn’t add to that burden,” Raven said gently, her thumb drawing tiny circles over the
Commander’s forehead.
“You are many things to me, Raven, a burden is not one of them. I am glad I can still feel this way
about someone, I thought the version of me that could do that had died in the blur between one war
and another.”
“The version of you that can feel which way about someone?” Raven asked, her eyes fighting to
find green ones in the dim light of the early night.
“The version of me that can care deeply about someone without it being related or tied somehow to
my duty. I care about you because of who you are and because of who you are to me, there is no
other motive, no agenda. It makes me feel more like a person, more like… someone. I don’t know
if there’s any logic behind those words,” the Commander said, getting a little shy towards the end.
“Of course there is, I understood, and you have always been a person, you have always been
someone, maybe lately all you could see of yourself was the version of you that your people need,
the version of you that you were obligated to be, but the person you are when you are not being
Heda was always there as well. I am happy I have been reminding you of her,” Raven said, burying
her fingers in Lexa’s soft hair as she gently massaged her scalp.
“I am happy about that, too.”
………………………….
“I am afraid you must go back to your people, Raven,” Lexa said one morning about a week later.
Raven had been just waking up, finding the alpha perched at the edge of the bed, sitting by her side
and looking back at her with a sad expression.
“What? Why?” Raven asked, incorporating herself and pushing the heel of her hands against her
eyes to try and chase the sleep away.
“I must travel, and I don’t want you to be here in my absence, I do not believe it to be safe. Forgive
me,” Lexa said, her head tilting down, her neck seeming to cave under the weight on her shoulders.
“No, no, it’s fine. I’ve been here for quite some time, I’m sure my people have been missing me,”
Raven said, cupping the side of Lexa’s face with the palm of her hand, brushing her thumb over a
prominent cheekbone.
She wasn’t lying, Abby had been asking about her return for quite a few days, and Raven always
gave her a bullshit response about still being tired after getting sick. She was pretty sure Abby was
no longer buying it but she didn’t say anything about the blatant lie either.
“I’m sure whatever you have to do is important, I wouldn’t ask you or expect you to neglect it.”
“Thank you,” Lexa whispered, turning her head to the side to place a kiss on Raven’s palm.
“It’s fine, I’ll go get ready, okay?” Raven said, leaning in to place a soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek
before getting up.
Once she was changed and with her bags packed Raven sat beside Lexa on the sofa.
“I reached out to Abby, she already sent the Rover, they should get here late at night, we can go as
soon as they get here.”
“Is that safe? I can delay my departure for a day, we can both leave tomorrow morning,” Lexa
asked, worried about Raven making such a trip in the middle of the night.
“It’s fine, we traveled at night when we had to take you back to Arkadia for your appendix, it’s not
awesome but it’s not unsafe. I can try to catch some sleep on the way there.”
“Okay, please spend the rest of the day with Marcus, do not leave his side, I will leave some of my
most trusted gonas with you, but still, to be safe, stay with Marcus,” Lexa said, her tone serious and
strong, leaving no room for questioning.
Raven thought it was a little too much but preferred not to say anything about it, feeling Lexa’s
concern vibrate between them like static. If having her stay with Marcus and having a bunch of
guards following her around gave Lexa some peace of mind then she would allow it.
“I will, don’t worry, I will make friends with your guards and everything,” Raven said, watching as
the Commander's lips lifted a little.
“Thank you, Raven,” the Commander whispered, leaning forwards and stopping just shy of
Raven’s face, waiting for the omega to close the gap between them.
Raven leaned forward and rested her forehead against the Commander’s, allowing them both to
feel each other close.
“Don’t forget to take your meds with you, yes?” Raven said, knowing that Lexa was still in
treatment and that even if her bouts of exhaustion and tiredness came few and far in between, they
were not completely gone.
“Yes, I believe Lana already packed them.”
“Remember to take them then,” Raven said, “you are not allowed to get sick or hurt, and you are
for sure not allowed to get killed, okay?”
“I will do my best so that doesn’t happen,” Lexa said with a small smile, leaning in to nuzzle the
bridge of her nose against the omega’s. “Do not concern yourself with my safety.”
Raven seemed to melt at the gesture, her eyes fluttering as she wrapped her arms around Lexa’s
shoulders.
“I will stop being concerned when you stop dying every five seconds.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”
“Good,” Raven said, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to the Commander’s lips. “I’m leaving a radio
with you just so we can communicate more frequently,” Raven said, pulling the black object from
one of her bags and showing Lexa how to use it. “Here, you switch this knob to the right to turn it
on, then you press this button and start talking, you must keep it pressed while you talk and only let
it go when you are finished and let the other person answer. Got it?”
They practiced for a little while, Lexa catching how to use it pretty much right away.
“Does that mean we won’t send each other letters?” Lexa asked, placing the radio safely on her lap.
“We still can do that, I like the letters,” Raven said with a smile, “I like having something to look
forward to, it is always exciting.”
Lexa smiled, her eyes light with joy.
“I look forward to them, too. I have a gift for you,” Lexa said then, patting the box that was placed
on the table in front of them.
“Oh, you didn’t have to give me anything,” Raven said, looking at the big wooden box, it was
more like a case, long, but not too thick.
“I wanted to do this, please, open it,” Lexa said, motioning Raven towards the box.
The omega opened it and found inside a beautiful dark wooden bow, a leather quiver, twenty
arrows, along with an arm guard and a finger tab.
“Wow, the bow is gorgeous Lex, thank you.”
“No need for that, Raven, I don’t know when we will see each other again and I don’t want you to
lose practice now that you have started to learn. You show promise, I am sure you will get to be a
good archer if you take your time to keep learning. This is a bow for beginners, next time we see
each other I will see how you are doing to judge if you can move to a better one.
“I will practice every day, thank you for all of this. I’ll be so much better next time we see each
other; you will be impressed. And the bow is great, I know it,” Raven said with a smile, squeezing
Lexa’s hand in her own.
“I have also contacted Indra, she will send one of her best archers to continue your training, unless
you prefer doing it on your own.”
“Oh, well, I don’t know, I wouldn’t know how else to practice besides shooting it at a non-moving
target. I think it’d be best if I had someone to show me how to improve, but at the same time I
wouldn’t want to take anyone from their jobs and their life just to teach me.”
“It won’t be a problem, TonDC is close to your camp and the lesson would only take an hour or
two, it wouldn’t be a problem.”
Someone knocked at the door then and a current of trigedasleng echoed across the room.
“I guess, this is goodbye, then,” Raven said, and Lexa, with the stars in her eyes and a soft smile on
her lips, shook her head.
“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting,” the
Commander said and Raven looked up at her, head tilted to the side, those words seemed oddly
familiar.
“I think I have heard that before, have I?”
“It is from a book, Peter Pan, it is Aden’s favorite,” Lexa said, smiling slightly at the mention of
the young Nightblood.
“I didn’t think they would be allowed to hear stories like those,” Raven said, eyebrows arched and
mouth slightly agape in surprise.
“What Titus doesn’t know will not ail him. The Nightbloods deserve to have at least a small part of
their innocence preserved.”
“I agree. Let’s not say goodbye then, never.”
“Never. I will be longing to see you, Raven, be safe.”
“You too,” Raven said as she wrapped her arms around the Commander’ shoulders, holding her
tight to her chest and feeling the Commander’s arms curl around her waist and squeeze gently,
head leaned sideways against Raven’s. “Go now before I make you late.”
Lexa only nodded in response, leaning back just so she could place a soft kiss to Raven’s cheek.
Before Raven could return the gesture, the Commander was already on her way to the door. Raven
thought about stopping her, making her turn back, but she knew that if she did, she would never let
her leave.
……………………….
“Raven, Raven, are you awake?”
The omega jerked into awareness in an awkward movement, she tossed and turned on the bed,
trying to find the radio. Her elbow bumped into something hard, sending tiny electric waves up her
arm. In seconds the radio was in her hand, she cleared her throat before answering, knowing that
Lexa would never forgive herself, and would never reach out for her so late at night if she found
out she had woken Raven.
“Yeah, Lex, I’m right here, can’t sleep?” Raven asked, they had kept up the tradition of talking
before bed. It was something Raven wanted to do, even more so when she knew it would help
Lexa fall asleep and truly rest well for the night.
Just hours prior she had felt the Commander fall asleep on the other end of the radio, but now she
was awake once more. Weird.
“I woke up, a dream… it wasn’t bad, I don’t think… I woke up and your scent has completely
faded. I know you left two weeks ago, but now that I can no longer sense your scent, I feel like you
are truly gone,” the Heda said quietly, leaving Raven mute.
She wasn’t entirely surprised, not really, Lexa had been away from Polis for three days after Raven
had returned to Arkadia, and during those two nights, neither of them had slept well. Lexa hadn’t
been able to fall asleep, no matter how long Raven spoke to her on the radio, she managed to doze
off sometime around sun up, which meant that someone would fetch her in one or two hours at
most; and Raven had taken the liberty of sleeping away the mornings that followed those nights.
At first, Raven had thought the problem was being away from Polis, because the Commander
seemed capable of falling asleep fast enough once she was back at her Tower, with Raven’s voice
coming through the radio. But at that moment Raven realized that it wasn’t about the tower or the
bed, or being in the place the Commander considered her home. It was about her scent, it drenched
the Commander’s furs, maintaining the illusion that Raven wasn’t as far away as she actually was,
but now that scent had faded, was gone, seeming to take Raven’s presence away with it.
“I’m right here, you know that,” Raven whispered, her heart aching, feeling suddenly so cold in her
scratchy sheets and surrounded by metal.
“I know, it is a foolish feeling, it does not make sense.”
“Don’t say that, I don’t think it is foolish, the distance really sucks. We have to figure it out
somehow,” Raven said, knowing that Lexa wasn’t the only one affected, her nightmares were
making a comeback. They weren’t as frequent as before but they came often enough to make her
feel quite tired each day.
“I wouldn’t ask you to leave your people again, you already spent such a long time here. I couldn’t
ask for more.”
“I know, and I know you coming here without reason is not an option, at least we have this, right?”
Raven said, not seeing many options, she didn’t know how appropriate it would be to just show up
in Polis whenever she felt like it. It didn’t seem wise after what Titus had told Lexa last time she
had been there.
“Yes, this is more than what I hoped for, hearing your voice helps.”
“I can say the same, I’m happy I can check on you whenever and make sure you haven’t gotten
your ass killed.”
“There hasn’t been any assassination attempts in quite some time, Raven, all is well,” Lexa said
slowly, “my organs do not seem to be bursting inside my body, either, I am quite satisfied with
their behavior.”
Raven couldn’t help but let out a low chuckle, hearing Lexa try to be funny was always a pleasant
surprise and Raven loved it.
“Yes, I’m happy they are working as they are supposed to as well,” Raven said, a smile loud and
clear in her voice.
“Did I manage to make you smile?” Lexa asked quietly after a beat of silence.
“You did,” Raven said, hearing the alpha hum in content, the sound making a shiver run down her
spine.
“If I close my eyes, I can almost see it,” Lexa whispered, her voice hoarse and low with
exhaustion.
“Somehow, I can feel it in my whole body, when you make me smile… it's like a soft tingle, a
warmth that moves under my skin…”
“That’s how I feel when you smile at me…” Lexa mumbled, and Raven smiled to herself, knowing
she was succeeding in helping the alpha fall asleep. “It’s just like sunlight.”
“Yes, that’s it, it feels just like sunlight, the kind that comes in the early morning, it’s very gentle,
very soft, it washes over your face and it’s okay, it doesn’t burn, it makes your eyes shine so
bright...” Raven whispered, hoping and wishing that the other woman would finally fall asleep.
“And yours… they turn gold… like fire… in your eyes, ” Lexa mumbled, her voice fading after a
couple of words. Raven kept talking, just to fill the silence, just to make sure Lexa wouldn’t rise
again, and when she got nothing but silence as the answer, she knew she had succeeded.
………………..
“Can you tell me exactly why you have been wearing the same sweater for the past two days?”
Octavia said as she plopped down next to Raven on her workbench. Raven’s workplace was
overflowing with her pheromones, so much so that it seemed deliberate, like the omega was
pumping them out to fill the place.
“I just want it to be really soaked in my scent,” Raven said, only half paying attention as she tried
out Koa’s new brace.
“And why is that?”
“Lex has been having some trouble sleeping, we kind of got used to sleeping together, I guess. And
now that I’m here she’s having a bit of a hard time, I’m hoping having a few sweaters and stuff
with my scent will help, like tricking her brain into thinking I’m there when I’m not.”
“Right,” Octavia said, her eyebrows arching up to her hairline in surprise. “Why don’t you just go
visit?”
“I came back just a couple of weeks ago, and Titus hates my guts, I don’t want to make things
difficult for her.”
“Hmmm, this being friends with the Commander thing seems to be working out pretty well, yes?”
“Yeah,” Raven said, not turning to look at Octavia, but the young warrior could still see the pretty
smile that had unconsciously made its way across Raven’s face. “She’s pretty great. I wish people
here would take the time to see that.”
“I heard that she personally took care of you when you got sick, I’m not a huge fan of hers, but I’m
willing to give her the benefit of the doubt,” Octavia said, her last comment finally making Raven
turn around to look at her.
“That’s pretty cool, O, I appreciate it. I just… I don’t want her to feel so out of place here, this is
where my life is and I want her to feel welcome, that’s all.”
“I get it, I think, and if I can help with that I will do my best to not give her the cold shoulder next
time she is around,” Octavia said, wondering exactly how long it would take for Raven’s
relationship with the Commander to move forward, she could see that it was just a matter of time.
“Thanks, O, I know how people see her and there’s a lot more to her than that, I can promise you
that.”
“And I believe you, I’ll do what I can to see it too, alright?”
“Yeah, that’s all I ask. Let’s go have some lunch, yes?” Raven said wiping her hands on a dirty rag
before standing up.
“Sure, I’m pretty much dying here.”

………………………..
“I got your package today… I… thank you, Raven,” Lexa said, as she regarded the small pile of
shirts and sweaters the omega had sent her.
“No need for thanks, I just hope it helps.”
“I know it will, and even if it doesn’t, I appreciate the gesture, knowing that you are trying to help
me… Only knowing that means a lot to me.”
Raven smiled to herself, trying to ignore the pang of sadness that came with Lexa’s statement. She
knew no one really tried to help Lexa, the people who helped at her tower made sure she had
everything she needed, that she was well fed, that she had the proper clothing, that she had a nice
place to sleep, but anything other than that was out of their hands. That’s why every little thing
Raven did seemed to matter so much.
“It’s fine Lex, they are just a couple of shirts, we will see if it helps tonight, yes?”
“Yes, thank you.”
……………………….
“I just wanted to let you know that today Koa was walking on his own, no crutches, no walkers,
just him and his brand-new brace,” Raven said, barely able to contain her excitement as she threw
herself on the bed.
“Those are very good news Raven, is he in any pain?”
“He probably feels a little sore and a bit awkward but he was so happy, Lexa, he was so freaking
happy. His leg was pretty much useless before and now he can put his weight on it. It feels like it’s
been so long and he has been trying so hard in physical therapy. He will get even better at doing
this in a few more weeks, you will see,” Raven said, smiling widely as she unbuckled her brace
and let it drop to the floor.
“I’m very pleased to hear that, those are excellent news. Jackson has been evaluating some
children and a few adults with similar issues, soon I will have to speak with Chancellor Griffin,
alleviating their pain is important to me.”
“Sure, sure, maybe we could figure out some sort of program. I’m sure we will need help now that
winter is around the corner. Maybe we could do an exchange of sorts, a trade, we provide medical
care for those who need it, and you help us with food and proper clothing,” Raven suggested, just
telling Lexa the first thing that came to her mind.
“It is an interesting idea, I would have to speak of it with the Ambassadors first, but I strongly
support it. Would you speak to Abby about this for me? I don’t need you to arrange or define
anything, just to see how willing she would be to do something like this, I am not sure how
something like this would deplete your medical resources.”
“You can count on it, I’ll just mention it in passing and see what she thinks,” Raven said with a
smile, “Does this mean that you could maybe… possibly come around to speak to Abby about
this?”
“It is a possibility, however, it is also part of the duties of an ambassador to act as a bridge of
sorts to facilitate communication in a matter such as this.”
“Oh,” Raven said, trying to not sound too disappointed, “yeah, of course, that’s the whole reason
Marcus is there, right?”
“Yes, it is. That does not mean that Abby can’t send someone of her trust, someone who is close to
the issue, who has knowledge of what must be done to support Marcus here in the Capital,” the
Commander said slowly, knowing that Raven would understand. “That is also an option.”
“Oh, really?” Raven said, amusement in her voice as she played the fool. “I think there’s this
woman that Abby is training, maybe she could be sent to the capital.”
“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Raven,” Lexa said, her tone not the slightest bit
reprimanding.
“Did I make you smile, though?”
“Yes,” Lexa said immediately.
“Then you might call my mind weak all you want, I don’t care.”
“I would never dare to say such a thing, it couldn’t be further away from what I think about you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes, it is in your mind where I can so often find refuge.”
Raven clutched her eyes shut, holding the radio tight against her chest, a funny feeling, bright and
warmth making goosebumps flood her flesh. It was very hard to try and think of a past moment
where she had felt so good about herself. Lexa’s statement was loaded, was meaningful, held
words and feelings and thoughts Raven couldn’t begin to understand. And even without fully
comprehending it she knew it was something precious.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, her stomach dropping at the cold, bitter
realization of the impossibility of giving Lexa a kiss. “Much less when you are so far away.”
“It is the truth, Raven, I cannot withhold it from you. Words could never be enough, but right now
they are the only thing I have to try and show you how much I cherish you.”
Raven let out a breath, surprised by how shaky it was, by how tight her chest was feeling.
“I know, and it means a lot to me, it is just very hard when you are so far away and I find myself
not being able to reciprocate the way I want to,” Raven said, surprised by the sudden wetness on
her cheeks.
“We will find a way to make this easier, I promise you.”
“I know,” Raven said, wiping the tears from her cheeks with a swipe of her hand.
“Please, do not cry, not for me, please. I won’t ever manage to sleep knowing I made you feel this
way.”
“No, don’t feel bad, this place is just really dull without you, work can get pretty monotonous.
Polis was just way more energetic than this. I miss Lana, she was telling me stories about you two,
from when you were little. And I miss the park, just Polis in general,” Raven said, fighting through
the knot in her throat, from saying the words that would make the whole situation even more
difficult than it already was.
“Polis will always be here for you, this city is yours, Raven.”
“I know, I’ll go there as soon as my brain starts dying of boredom,” Raven said, even though she
knew Titus wouldn’t agree with Lexa’s last statement.
“I will be waiting, in the meantime having this is more than enough.”
Raven couldn’t quite agree to that.
“Well, it is nice to be able to check on you whenever I want. I have to keep an eye on you and your
death wish,” Raven said with a smile. Lexa wasn’t familiar with the expression and so she took it
quite literally.
“I do not wish to die, Raven, not now, I have lost that desire.”
Raven felt her mouth fill with bitterness.
“You have wanted to die?” Raven whispered, not quite a statement, not quite a question.
“Yes,” Lexa said with not much preamble, “I have wanted to die a few times along the course of
my life, though I never entertained the thought of making it happen.”
“Why not?” Raven said, her vocal cords felt like they would snap with every word.
“My life does not belong to me, it belongs to my people.”
“I know why you are saying that, but I can’t agree with you. You said you have lost that desire,
how did that happen?”
“Lately I have been reminded of the beauties of life, and I have found myself wanting to do a few
things, for myself.”
“Oh,” Raven said, feeling pleasantly surprised, “that’s nice to hear, what do you want to do?”
“I want to show you the ocean, I know you saw it from space, but I’m sure seeing it up close will be
different. I want you to feel the sand under your feet, I want you to feel the water hitting your
calves, I want you to smell the salt in the air and to hear the sound of the waves hitting the shore. I
believe you will smile once you see it.”
“It does sound pretty epic, and you can count on me, whenever you think we can make that
possible just tell me where I need to go and I will be there. Do you like the ocean?” Raven asked,
feeling warm inside, Lexa was not only visualizing the future, her future, no, she was also seeing a
future for the both of them.
“I do, you will understand once we are there, one breathes differently near the ocean. It makes me
happy to think of taking you there.”
Raven felt her heart flip.
“I’m looking forward to it already, the stars must look amazing right by the shore.”
“They do, Raven, they do, will you show me all the constellations once we are there?”
“It’ll be better if we try to find them together, don’t you think?”
“I’m not quite sure I can do that.”

“That’s okay, I’ll help you, let me tell you just a little more about them, just to refresh your
memory…”
……………………………………….
“Lex, why is Lana here?!” Raven said excitedly, an arm comfortably wrapped around the
handmaid's shoulders, the younger girl blushed adorably, smiling up at the omega. “Don’t get me
wrong, I’m really happy to see her, I’m just surprised.”
“You said you missed her,” Lexa said simply.
“I know, and I did miss her, but you didn’t have to send her here,” Raven said towards the radio
before turning to face the girl. “Did you want to come? Did she just send you here without asking
if you wanted to?”
“No, Heda asked me if I would be willing to come here and keep you company for a few days, I
said yes,” Lana said, her eyes slightly wide.
“See, Raven? I did ask. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“But did you actually ask? Sometimes when you ask for something it still sounds like an order,”
Raven asked, noticing Lexa’s hesitation in her lack of response.
“Heda did ask, I wanted to come,” Lana said then, “I have been with Heda for a long time I can tell
when she is asking even if it sounds like an order.”
“Okay, good. Who will take care of you, though?” Raven asked, knowing that Lana pretty much
kept all the Commander’s basic needs covered.
“I am not a child, Raven, I will survive in Lana’s absence. There are also many other handmaidens
within the tower, a few of them will cover Lana’s duties while she is away. I don’t want any of you
to worry, I just wish for you to have a good time, yes?”
“We will, thank you, Lex, this is really nice. I will take good care of Lana while she is here.”
“I know you will, Raven. There is something I need to take care of right now, I will contact you
tomorrow,” Lexa said, not giving much of an explanation about what exactly she needed to do in
the middle of the night.
“Okay, I’ll be looking forward to it, bye Lex.”
……………………………………….
“Would you teach me how to braid hair, Lana? I have seen you taking care of Lexa’s hair before,
and I’d like to know how to do it,” Raven said as she sat on her bed with the young handmaiden.
Raven had spent the day introducing the girl to movies, knowing that with her knowledge of
English she would be able to enjoy them a little more than Koa did.
“I can teach you, we will have to start with something simpler though, Heda’s braids are intricate,
to be able to do them you need to know how to make simpler ones first, and even then I’m not sure
Heda would let you do that for her,” Lana said, looking thoughtful as she sat in front of Raven.
“Why wouldn’t she?” Raven asked with a frown, she had touched the Commander’s hair several
times.
“Allowing for someone to braid your hair carries a lot of meaning in our culture,” Lana said,
running her hand absentmindedly over her own braids.
“How so?”
“Allowing someone else to braid your hair means that you will let them get physically close to
you, you will give them your back, leaving yourself blind to their actions. It means that you will
give them access to your neck, to have it right under their hands and with you unable to see what
they are doing…” Lana trailed off, but Raven heard the implications behind her words either way.
Having someone braid your hair meant giving them the chance to slit your throat, and you
wouldn’t see it coming.
“It’s about trust,” Raven said.

“Yes, it’s about trust, which makes it so intimate. In our culture mated pairs braid each other’s hair
and no one else, mothers braid their pup’s hair, siblings may braid each other’s hair as well if they
have developed a close bond. And those with no mate, with no mother and no siblings, braid their
own hair. Exceptions are only made if a person develops such an intimate bond with someone else,
a friend, one that you would consider your own family even if there is no blood tying them
together,” Lana explained slowly, trying to find the best words to help Raven understand. “Only
Nomon braids my hair, I would allow Heda to do so for me as well, but because of her position I
would never dare ask.”
“I understand, I think,” Raven said, frowning to herself for a moment, “you are the only person
allowed to braid her hair, then?”
“Nomon and I, she is the one fulfilling my duties while I am here. She is the only person Heda
trusts to care for the Nightbloods, other handmaidens help her, but Nomon always oversees what
they are doing. Nomon was there when Heda was first brought to the tower, she was her primary
caretaker until her ascension. You might have seen her in the tower.”
“Maybe, but you need to introduce us properly, I’d like to meet your mom,” Raven said, receiving
a nod and a small smile from Lana. “Has anyone else gotten to braid Lexa’s hair, besides you and
your mom, and Costia, I assume?”
“Anya, no one else, not Gustus, not Indra, not Nyko or any of the healers, not even Titus,” Lana
said, giving Raven a meaningful look.
Raven swallowed hard, they had killed Anya, hadn’t they?
“Maybe Heda will let you do it at some point, after all, she has allowed you to stay by her side
while she is asleep,” Lana mentioned, and Raven understood without much of an explanation.
Killing someone while they are asleep was probably as easy as killing them when they are giving
you their back, if not easier. The first few times she slept with the Commander, Lexa would wake
up after every little movement, if Raven so much as brushed against her the Commander would
wake up a hand under her pillow reaching for a hidden knife.
Since they had erased the space in the middle of the bed it was different. Raven didn’t know
exactly why, but Lexa wouldn’t be as alarmed and ready to attack, she would realize the weight
against her chest was Raven and then she would tighten her arms around her, asking if she was
okay, or if she needed anything.
“If she trusts you enough to fall asleep in your presence maybe one day she will trust you enough to
let you braid her hair. Maybe we could ask one of your friends to come here, I could show you a
few simple braids and you could practice as well.”
“Yeah, sure, I’ll see if Octavia is free, or maybe Harper.”
“Okay.”
……………………………………….
“Have you been outside lately?” the Commander asked one night, filling the silence they had
fallen into, pulling Raven out of the grasp of sleep.
“I have, there’s almost no green, everything looks reddish and brown, it’s quite pretty,” Raven said,
clearing her throat and rubbing the back of her hand against her eyes, trying to chase the sleep
away.
“It makes me think of you,” Lexa said, and Raven was suddenly stricken by treasured memory.
“My life is always the same, it’s about my duty and about my people, but if you tame me it’d
be like the sun shining on me. Here, the Fox says his life is monotonous, boring, but if the
Little Prince decided to tame him it’d be as if the sun came to shine on his life. I believe it
would be the same for me. The meaning of things would change, the bark of the trees, the
earth itself, the fall leaves and the pine cones, they make me feel nothing, but once you tame
me it all will change. When I see them, I shall think of you, of the color of your eyes, and
autumn shall become my favorite season instead of spring, do you understand?”
“Does it?” Raven asked, knowing exactly what the Commander was trying to say even if she
wasn’t saying it.
“Yes, it does. I have started collecting fall leaves, the most beautiful ones, I will send them to you
soon. I think of you when I am walking outside, it is easy to see you, to imagine you in this scenery,
you fit so perfectly.”
“Does that make things easier or harder?” Raven asked, looking up at the ceiling and feeling very
aware of the beat of her heart as she waited for Lexa to answer.
“Both, somehow. It brings me good feelings, but it also makes me more aware of your absence.”
“I think I get that. We should add it to the list of things we look forward to, spend the fall together,
all of it.”
“I would never ask you to spend so much time away from your home.”
“You are not asking, I’m offering, I think it would be okay, time goes faster in Polis. It’s been
getting quite cold as well, so I’d rather be there and have you around to cuddle up to,” Raven said
with a smile, curling up into a tiny ball in the middle of her bed, pulling the sheets up to her neck.
“There is no getting cold inside of your camp, Raven, the inside of Arkadia always feels the same,
it is mildly disturbing.”
“I’d rather be cold with you than artificially warm here, you know I love lying back against those
gorgeous abs of yours,” Raven said, closing her eyes as she tried to imagine the warmth that
radiated from Lexa’s chest as it pressed flush to her back.
“The winter can be quite harsh, Raven, you would be more comfortable within Arkadia.”
“I’m sure you would keep me warm just fine Lex, there’s no doubt in my mind.”
“I would do my best.”
“I know. Even if I know it will be colder than ever, I’m quite excited about seeing the snow, most
of my people are.”
“It can be a nice experience; I wish to hear all about it once you get the chance to see it for the
first time.
“I’ll let you know right away, if it turns out to be awful you will have to deal with my rant about
it.”
“You know I enjoy listening to you talking, this will be no different.”
Raven couldn’t stop smiling to herself, she bit her lip and let out a low groan.
“One day you will get sick of my voice.”
“That’s not possible, Raven, your voice is one of my favorite things about you.”
“I know, I know. I like your voice too though, so maybe we could try to get you talking more while
I listen.”
“I’m not sure, there’s not much for me to say.”
“There must be, it doesn’t have to be something particularly relevant, I’d just like to hear about
your day.”
“Can we try this another day? I spend the day surrounded by people, people who expect me to fix
everything for them. To be here, in bed, just listening to you talking it makes the noise in my head
disappear for a few moments.”
“I get it,” Raven said, feeling a little sad for the alpha, back in Polis after a day of dealing with
problems all day they could be quiet together, they could just lay down, or sit on their armchair
and do nothing together, but being apart meant that Raven’s sole presence could not quiet the noise
in the Commander’s head, it meant that she had to talk, to try to quiet it with her voice. “Have I
told you about Saturn’s moons yet?”
“No, I would remember.”
“Okay, let’s see…”
………………………………………….
“Lexa!” Raven said excitedly, already amused by what she would say next. “The trees are fully
naked now!”
“They are,” the Commander said, smiling at the peculiar thing Raven had just said, “winter is
here. Did you receive the supplies I sent you?”
“Yes, we are all very thankful, Abby especially, the people didn’t want to stay locked up inside for
the next few months, so having proper clothes is amazing. The food is great too, we will do what
we can to preserve it for as long as possible. Are you sure your people are okay with this though?”
“Yes, the absence of the fight has allowed us all to prepare better, they all offered what they could
spare, none of my people shall go hungry this winter. I would never allow for you to go hungry,
Raven.”
“I know, I’d rather go hungry for a bit than getting you in trouble though,” Raven said honestly.
Knowing that Lexa’s Ambassadors could decide to kill her was a horrifying thought, one that made
her sick. The only thing that made her anxiety somewhat diminish was knowing that Marcus would
never vote for that.
“Don’t worry about me, Raven, you are my people, it is my duty to look after you. I won’t get in
trouble for doing what I am supposed to do. Did you get the package I sent specifically for you?”
“I did, and I really do not need any more clothes. Really, Lex, I appreciate it, but this is too much.”
“I know your clothes and I know they are not proper for winter; I sent many pieces because I do
not wish for you to wear the same winter gear every day for the next few moons. Skaikru clothing
is made with extremely thin fabric, it is not durable and going out in the cold only wearing them
will make you sick.”
“Okay, okay, I get it, you must be right, I guess,” Raven said, knowing well that she was getting
preferential treatment, every member of the Skaikru had gotten proper winter clothing, provided by
the Heda, but she had gotten a box as tall as her waist worth of clothing, and she knew for a fact
that they were new, not second-hand items like most of the others had been. “I’m sure we will do
just fine over the winter, don’t stress too much about me, okay?”
“I’ll try, did you like the clothes? I can get you new ones if they were not to your liking.”
“They are perfect, Lex, love them all, the sweaters are super warm and cozy, they are my favorites
for sure. The boots are amazing too.”
“Good, will you let me know if you need anything else?”
“I will, you already covered everything so I don’t think I will be needing anything else, thank you
for everything.”
“It’s okay, Raven, no need for thanks, I’m pleased to help you.”
…………………………..
“Okay, do you remember that I was super excited about the snow and that the first day it happened
I was really happy because it is pretty and nice and everything that I could have hoped for?”
“I do, you seemed to be very fond of it, why? did you change your mind?”
“Well, I am not sure, it just keeps piling up and it makes it really hard for me to walk, the cold also
is making the pain in my leg flare-up. The sun is barely around these days and that is getting pretty
depressing really quickly, there’s also the ice, I feel like it’s out to kill me, I already stumble around
as it is, but slipping on ice is definitely not fun. My lips are getting chapped all the time and my
skin is really fucking dry. There’s also the fact that the cold somehow makes the wood stiffer so
I’m worried about my bow all the time and when I’m outside practicing I’m always freezing and
my hands Lexa, my hands! I feel like fingers are going to fall off. I hate this.”
Only silence came from the other end of the radio, Lexa didn’t say a thing, and for some reason,
the Lexa in Raven’s mind was smiling.
“Why do I feel like you think this is really funny?”
“Please, do not believe that I’m taking pleasure in your misery, it’s just… a week ago you were
telling me the winter scenery was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen and that the snow was
gorgeous and nice, and that you couldn’t wait to throw snowballs at your friends, and now…”
“Now I sound like I’m about to cry,” Raven said, pouting so hard it hurt, she only wished Lexa
could see it.
“Do not worry, Raven, I will send you some things that will make it all easier. And winter has its
benefits, you will learn to appreciate it with time.”
“What benefits? I can’t think of anything.”
“Travelling is harder, people seem less inclined to leave their homes, there are a lot less petty
issues for me to take care of during winter. The smell of pine is really nice and the hot drinks my
people trade in the markets are delicious. Winter is also very quiet, Raven, very quiet. Life for me
is usually very agitated, but during the winter it tends to slow down. During winter I usually
worried about the Azgeda, the temperature there goes extremely low during this season and they
have become good at moving through the snow and handling the temperature. Sometimes they had
snow for half of the year, so during the winter their soldiers had an advantage over us.”
“But this year you don’t have to worry about them so there’s only the quiet,” Raven said with a
smile, wishing more than ever to be next to Lexa, to share what the Commander was feeling in that
moment.
“Not worrying would be foolish, but the threat is significantly less with the Queen gone, so yes, the
quiet is more prominent now.”
“I wish I was there, I wish I could share this quiet with you,” Raven said, knowing that her hand
would be a lot less cold if the Commander’s was wrapped around it.
“We are sharing it, Raven, you are the only person with whom I can share this feeling, I wouldn’t
tell anyone else about how I’m feeling right now.”
“I know, but it would be better if we were physically close.”
“I’m sure it would, but this is more than what I have had in years. Even if it is through a radio I
have you with me every day, Raven, isn’t that wonderful?”
“It is,” Raven said, her throat closing up, “I’ll be here whenever you need me, you know that,
right?”
“I know, Raven, thank you. I’ll be here when you need me and when you don’t, at any time, okay? I
know that sometimes I can’t answer immediately, but I will be here as soon as I can.”
“I know, Lex, I know,” Raven said, trying to erase the tears from her voice, the last thing Lexa
needed was to hear her crying. “Can I tell you about some winter traditions from the Old World?”
“Please, I’d be happy to listen.”
Raven spoke until her throat hurt, until her mouth was completely dry and her eyes were falling
shut with exhaustion. She talked until she physically couldn’t, wondering how she could say so
many words and keep quiet the ones she truly wanted to say.
I miss you.
Chapter End Notes
Thanks for reading!!!
Let me know how long do you think it will take for these two fools to just talk about
their feelings.
Chapter 10
Chapter Notes
Hey guys, with this chapter we begin the shorter and quicker updates, this chapter is
not as short because a lot of it was pre-written so that's nice. However, I have had a
really shitty week, which is why I don't think I did the greatest job editing this, I
always suck at editing but this chapter might be a little worse in that department than
the rest, sorry about that. I decided to update anyway because the chapter has been
pretty much done for almost four days now and I didn't want to keep you waiting
longer than necessary.
Thank you for your lovely comments, they really brighten up my days,
Let me know what you think about this chapter,
Hope to see you in the comments, and hope you have a great day/night.
“You seem… bored,” Octavia said as she leaned against the doorframe, looking into Raven’s
room. Inside, the omega was lying in bed, holding a radio close to her chest with an arm thrown
over her eyes.
“Worried would be a better word for it,” Raven said, not bothering to move. Octavia smiled and
walked inside, sitting next to her friend.
“What is it?” Octavia asked, nudging her friend’s leg until Raven uncovered her eyes and sat up.
“Lexa has been quiet for a few days now. We talk at least once a day, at night, but it’s been almost
four days since she last spoke to me. It’s just not like her.”
“Oh,” Octavia said, looking at Raven with a knowing expression. “You should have asked; I know
where she is.”
“You do?” Raven said as she sat up. “Where?”
“Up north the winter is being rough, there have been a couple of raids. In some towns the food
reserves have been taken so the Commander is traveling around the surrounding villages trying to
figure out what they can spare so that she can take it to the undersupplied village,” Octavia said,
tilting her head to the side as she watched Raven’s expression fall.
“She must be out of range, then,” Raven said and Octavia nodded in agreement.
“I would guess so, she probably didn’t know that would happen, so she didn’t get to tell you she’d
be away for some time. That village is quite far from here, almost bordering Azgeda.”
“Sucks,” Raven said as she rolled onto her front and buried her face on her pillow.
“You miss her,” Octavia said, the words coming out like a statement more than a question.
“If you are about to lecture me about how I am not supposed to get close to her and that she is
going to betray me and so on you can save it, O. I am not in the mood,” Raven said, feeling quite
annoyed.
“No, it’s not that, I told you I would try to be more welcoming towards her,” Octavia said. “I just
can see you are having a rough time and I am your friend so we can talk about it if you want.”
Raven sighed and rolled over again, uncovering her face so she could look at the other omega.
“I was there for some time, O, and when I left, I knew that we would talk constantly or that I could
reach out and she would be there. Talking to her became part of my day and we are animals of
habit, it is weird not to have her around, it’s science. And she just disappeared out of nowhere, for
who knows how long, and near the border with Azgeda, which is the most violent Clan there is…”
Raven sighed again and threw an arm over her eyes, she just wanted to know if Lexa was okay.
“You could have just said that you missed her,” Octavia said, understanding in her eyes as she laid
down next to Raven. The Mechanic rolled her eyes and smacked Octavia’s leg.
“I do, O. No need to rub it in,” Raven said.
“I am sure she misses you as well,” Octavia said and Raven turned her head to look at her.
“Yeah?” Raven asked, sounding unsure.
“You care about her and I think she knows that. You are all she has. I mean, when you strip away
everyone and everything that relates to her duty, there is only you left. If she misses anyone, it has
to be you,” Octavia said, placing a comforting hand on her friend’s arm.
“I am just being stupid, I know she misses me, she has told me. I’m just being silly.”
“She has actually said the words?” Octavia said, surprised.
“Not quite like that, but the meaning is the same.”
“Interesting, I am quite curious now. How does the big bad Commander say I miss you?” Octavia
asked, getting another eye roll from Raven.
“She says she wishes she could spend time with me more often, she says she thinks of me often,
that something will happen and that she would just want to share it with me, things like that, but
she never says I miss you. She says she longs to see me...” Raven said and Octavia gave her a
teasing smile.
“What about you? Have you told her that you miss her?”
“Well, of course not, I have told her this place is super boring without her, though,” Raven said and
Octavia laughed.
“Can you tell me how did this happen?”
“Well…” Raven said, letting out a long sigh. “It was just sex, or at least that’s what I wanted it to
be. She is good looking and an excellent bed partner, but she would never leave in the morning, I
don’t know why, maybe that just isn’t how grounders do things, but she would always stay and we
would end up talking. It didn’t happen often but when it did, we always would spend the rest of the
night talking. There are also the letters, getting to know her. I just… I didn’t think there was
someone as lonely as me, I didn’t think it was possible, but she is alone, truly alone, at least she
was until before we became friends.”
“You felt alone here?” Octavia said with a frown. Raven looked away for a moment before looking
back at Octavia.
“I did, I still do when Lexa isn’t here. Everyone has someone, you have Linc and Bellamy, Jasper
and Monty have each other, and as complicated as their relationship is Clarke has her mom. And
we are friends, for sure, but I feel that after the Mountain everyone closed off, including me, and
none of us made an effort to have a conversation that wasn’t somehow shallow,” Raven said,
shaking her head and feeling quite unsure of what she was saying, not knowing if it made sense.
“With Lexa it is different, she is good at listening and she doesn’t judge, I can say anything and I
know she won’t look at me differently. Here it is not the same, I feel like here everyone has an
opinion about everything you do so I don’t feel like I can share, and yeah I am loud and outspoken
and even blunt, but some things are a little bit more sensitive and that I don’t want people judging
me for because I know there’s no way they’d understand.”
“And Lexa understands?” Octavia asked, her face serious as she looked at her friend. Raven turned
her head to look at her and nodded.
“Yes, she does. Sometimes she judges herself very harshly, but she has never done that to me. She
is very respectful, tells me I can speak freely, but knows when not to push, she is always very
honest and she always looks at me the same no matter what I have done or what I say to her,”
Raven said, unknowingly smiling. “I know she is away, as she often is, but I feel like I can rely on
her. And I know she is busy, I know it, I can feel the exhaustion in her voice when she reaches out
through the radio in the middle of the night because she couldn’t answer earlier, but she still takes
the time to listen to me talking about whatever I did during the day, whatever shitty thing I ate,
whatever machine I fixed. And she is into it, she doesn’t just listen, she always asks more questions
and it makes me feel like she is interested, you know?”
“I am glad she is being good to you. I guess I just want you to know you can talk to me, too.”
“O, you really were a total ass about Lexa and I sleeping together,” Raven said and Octavia threw
her head back with a groan.
“I know, but can you really blame me for thinking she is going to hurt you?” Octavia said, arching
her brows just slightly.
“No, I can’t blame you for that, but I can blame you for not letting me make my own choices. I am
not stupid Octavia, I know who she is, I know the kind of decisions she has to make regularly. I
know she could hurt me, I know it, and I am willing to risk it anyway.”
“Yeah, but why?” Octavia asked, not quite getting it.
“Because everyone we love can hurt us, our friends, family, our lovers, all of them can hurt us
because we love them, that’s the way things are,” Raven said and Octavia looked back at her with
slightly wide eyes.
“So, you love her?”
Raven took a moment to answer, but she knew what her response would be all along.
“I do, she is my friend.”
“Okay,” Octavia said. Raven turned to look at her slightly surprised.

“Okay?”
“Yeah,” Octavia said, shrugging. “I am still going to kill her if she hurts you, though.”
Raven laughed.
“As if you could get a hit in,” Raven said, laughing even louder at her friend's baffled expression.
“That’s just rude.”
The Mechanic continued laughing.
…………..
Raven’s soul almost escapes her body when she saw someone sitting in an armchair by her bed in
the middle of the night. She had just gotten up to the bathroom when she found the Commander,
sitting there, asleep, and still with her armor on.
Raven’s face split into a smile, she hadn’t spoken to the Commander in over three weeks.
Raven settled herself gently on the Commander’s lap, not surprised in the slightest when the Heda
woke up either way.
“Raven,” The Commander said, her eyes sleepy as she peered up at the omega. “I am happy to see
you.”
“I am happy to see you, too,” the omega said, pulling the alpha into a gentle hug, the
Commander’s shoulder pauldron poking her arm. Lexa responded in kind and wrapped her arms
around the omega. “Why didn’t you get into bed with me?”
“I didn’t know if I had permission to do so,” Lexa said as Raven started fiddling with the buckles
of her armor. “You were asleep and I wasn’t about to violate your space like that.”
“You wouldn’t be violating anything, from now on you have permission to get into bed with me,”
Raven said, pulling the Commander to her feet to be able to pull her pants down her legs.
“I’m perfectly capable of undressing myself,” the Commander said, though the smile on her face
indicated that she wasn’t really complaining.
“We both know I do it better,” Raven said with a wink, marveling at the sound of the
Commander’s quiet chuckle.
“Of course,” Lexa said, stepping out of her pants to pull Raven close to her body. The hug took the
omega by surprise, but she was quick to reciprocate, holding the Commander close and burying her
hand in her tight braids, she would have to undo those soon. “Forgive me, it’s been quite some
time. Is this okay?” The Commander said, and even though she was apologizing, she didn’t pull
away.
“It’s perfectly okay, and I agree, it’s been too long. Do you want to change into a looser shirt?”
Raven asked, placing a kiss to the Commander’s shoulder before pulling back. The Commander’s
undershirt was quite tight.
“Yes, I’ve been in these clothes for far too long,” Lexa said, pulling her shirt over her head as
Raven turned away to walk towards her closet.
The Commander had sent her quite a big package with the start of winter, the box had been filled
with mostly clothes, coats, long-sleeved shirts, jackets, and sweaters. They tended to be very soft,
heavenly so, made with the best fabrics Polis could provide, and some of them were just slightly
big, enough to be very comfy. Raven knew they were pretty enough to go out with them on and that
they weren’t made for sleeping, but they were the most comfortable pieces of clothing she owned,
and so she took one of them and held it as she turned back to the Commander.
The Heda was standing there, looking at her in only her underwear, having taken off her bindings.
On a normal day, Raven would have been staring at her magnificent body, at her long muscled
legs, the deep lines that framed her abdomen, the light muscle that made her arms look so strong,
but that day Raven’s attention was quickly captured by the scars on the Commander’s body. The
thick one on the middle of her abdomen, going vertically from the bottom of her breastbone and
down past her belly button, Raven recognized it for the surgical cut Abby had made to take out the
Commander’s spleen after being impaled by the sword. Close to it, on her side and her back, there
were the scars where the sword had gone in and out, settling close under the Commander’s ribs;
and finally, on her right side, there was the scar left by the appendectomy.
Raven could only stare at those scars, the smile she had had since the Commander had arrived
falling slightly.
Lexa moved closer, still very much undressed, bending her knees and tilting her head down to
catch Raven’s eyes.
“What is it?” She asked gently, reaching out to hold Raven’s face in her hands, her arms stayed
suspended in the air until the omega moved closer, leaving no space between them as she wrapped
her arms around the Commander’s back.
“I just… the scars… you really could have died,” Raven said and the Commander frowned,
clutching Raven to her body just a little tighter.
“I am here. I will always do my best to come back,” Lexa said, pulling away slightly to place a kiss
on Raven’s forehead.
Raven offered Lexa the sweater silently, watching as the Commander put it on and then motioning
her to sit on the bed so she could undo the braids. She wondered if taking unbraiding someone’s
hair was as meaningful as braiding it, she figured it was as she was standing behind the
Commander with easy access to her neck. Raven didn’t say anything, but she was careful to be
extremely gentle, taking her time to undo all the braids and to caress Lexa’s scalp gently in the
process.
“Lana taught me how to do simple braids when she came here,” Raven mentioned offhandedly,
waiting to see how Lexa would react.
“I love your hair as it is Raven, you don’t have to braid your hair just because it’s part of my
culture. Your hair is gorgeous,” the Commander said, the tension in her shoulders dissolving under
Raven’s touch.
“I think braids are really cool though, I was hoping to braid your hair when I finally manage to get
the whole braiding thing right,” Raven said, both of her hands stilling at the sides of Lexa’s neck.
“Of course, you may practice what you have learned so far with me, my hair is fairly long so it
should be good to practice with,” Lexa said simply not knowing how meaningful her words were
to Raven, how important it was for the omega to know that the Commander trusted her fully,
trusted her enough to give her her back and know she wouldn’t be harmed, trusted her enough to be
comfortable with Raven’s hands around her neck, trusted her enough to fall asleep next to her.
“That would be great, thank you,” Raven said, pushing Lexa’s hair to the side, exposing the
column of her throat and kissing it gently. “You can braid my hair too if you want, I know you
don’t need any practice, but if you ever feel like doing it you can.”
Lexa went very still and so quiet. She turned around and looked up at the omega with a downturn
at the corner of her lips.
“I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t,” Lexa said, she didn’t know Raven was aware of what it meant, but
she did know that she couldn’t assume to have Raven’s trust in such a way. For the omega letting
Lexa braid her hair probably didn’t mean anything, but Lexa still couldn’t allow herself to do it.
“I know what it means Lex,” Raven said softly, “and I want you to know that you can do it.” Raven
held Lexa’s hands on her own and pressed them against her own neck. “I trust you.”
Raven watched the Commander’s eyes widen slightly, her eyes getting moist and very light as she
clenched her jaw to hold back the overwhelming wave of feelings that came with Raven’s
revelation.
“You speak true?” Lexa asked, brushing the hollow of Raven’s throat with the pad of her thumb.
“I couldn’t be more honest.”
“Thank you,” Lexa said, honest and earnest, her eyes shining with moisture as she removed her
hands from Raven’s neck.
“Don’t thank me, not for this,” Raven said, giving the Commander a smile and leaning in to place a
soft kiss against her forehead. “How was the trip here?” Raven asked, trying to lighten the mood.
“There was an attack when we were moving the supplies, a group of unidentified men and women
tried to steal them. That’s partly the reason why I came, the radio you gave me was crushed during
the fight, that’s why I couldn’t tell you I was coming,” Lexa said, lying down as Raven did the
same next to her, they lay on their sides, looking at one another.
“That’s why you came? To get another radio?” Raven asked with amusement, eyebrows arched
high.
“Partly, I also came because your birthday is the day after tomorrow. For a moment I thought I
wouldn’t make it here,” Lexa said and Raven’s face split into a smile, her eyes going soft.
“You came all the way here for my birthday?” Raven asked, disbelief clouding her tone.
“I truly believe the day of your birth should be celebrated, and you said it is a day to be spent with
friends and family so I thought it would be appropriate to come,” Lexa said and Raven could feel
her getting shier towards the end of the sentence.
“Of course, I want you here for my birthday!” Raven said, moving closer to bring Lexa close. “I
doubt the Wise Ones and your Advisors are happy about this.”
“What they don’t know will not ail them, my presence is not urgently needed in Polis, I can spare
two days,” Lexa said and Raven frowned, pulling away slightly.
“You are only staying for two days?” Raven asked and Lexa nodded regretfully, caressing the
frown on Raven’s forehead with her thumb until it was gone.
“If I stay longer someone in Polis is bound to hear about it, however, a few days of delay are
perfectly normal,” Lexa said and Raven frowned again.
“A few days?”
“Yes, it took some time to get here, it would have been faster to go to Polis directly,” Lexa said,
and this time she pressed a kiss to Raven’s forehead to make the frown go away.
“That sucks, I thought you would stay for a bit longer.”
“Forgive me, Raven,” Lexa whispered and the omega shook her head against the alpha’s chest.
“No, don’t say that, it means a lot that you came for my birthday, I know you can get in some
trouble for it.”
“I can handle it. And I think it is very much worth it,” the Commander said and Raven felt her lips
press to the top of her head.
That night, the omega slept soundly.
………………………..
“Here, see this as an early birthday present,” Lexa said as she offered Raven a small box. The
omega was still in her pajamas, which consisted of only a shirt and underwear, she had just woken
up to an empty bed and she wasn’t too pleased about it.
“You didn’t need to get me anything. Where were you?” Raven said, taking the box regardless of
what she had just said and opening it to find some Old World mp3 player, along with earbuds and
what she assumed to be a solar-powered charger.
“I was picking up your gift, I know you like music but I could not bring musicians to you so I asked
for something that could make music in every trading spot that I came across during my travels.
On one of them, I found this, the owner said it used to work but that one day many years ago it just
stopped working. I thought there was no harm in bringing it here to see if your people could fix it,”
Lexa said, watching as the device’s screen lit up after Raven pressed some button. “The one you
called Monty fixed it for me. Is it to your liking?” Lexa said hesitantly, sitting down on the bed
and bending her head to look at Raven’s.
“Of course, it is, thank you, I’m sorry you went through so much trouble to find it,” Raven said,
offering the Commander a wide smile accompanied by soft eyes.
“It was no trouble; I was glad to find you a gift. Would you like to have breakfast in bed while we
listen to some of the music inside the device?” Lexa suggested, watching Raven’s smile get bigger
still.
“I would love that,” Raven said, patting the spot on the bed beside her so the Commander could sit
down. Once the alpha had settled Raven grabbed an earbud and placed it inside her ear, explaining
how the device worked and how music was stored inside of it before playing the first song.
Nothing could compare to the look of awe in Lexa’s face after the first few notes started playing.
She had so many questions, and Raven answered as many of them as she could before Lana
brought them breakfast.
………………………..
“Do you like music as well, or is it just me?” Raven asked as she scrolled down the multitude of
songs that were stored in the mp3 player the Commander had found for her.
“I do like it, there’s a lot of it during the Polis festivals, some of my people sometimes play their
music for the sheer enjoyment of it and nothing else. It is nice to just listen to it when I am able,”
the Commander responded, watching from over Raven’s shoulder as the omega switched from one
song to the next, the noise coming from the weird cable in her ear changing quickly. Raven had
called them earbuds before and Lexa found them to be slightly uncomfortable, currently, one was
stuck in Lexa’s left ear, while its companion remained stuck on Raven’s.
The Commander was also getting slightly distressed from Raven’s switch from song to song, so she
grabbed the omega’s hand, making her fingers stop moving and letting a random song play out.
“Some people in the Old World dedicated their lives to music,” Raven mentioned as something
instrumental started playing, classical maybe, she could only pick out a piano and some strings.
“Dedicated their lives to music?” Lexa asked with a tiny frown, trying to focus on Raven when the
sounds from the music continued to distract her. She didn’t know exactly what she was listening to
but it was beautiful, it was clear and fluid, it seemed to flow effortlessly and very fast at times.
Sometimes it was soft, and slowly, gently, it continued to build until it burst into brilliant sound.
Out of all the songs Raven had played during the last couple of hours nothing had grabbed Lexa’s
attention as that song did, and there weren’t any words in it.
“People dedicated their lives to music because it was the thing they loved the most, because they
enjoyed it more than anything.”
“That is such a strange concept,” Lexa said, feeling slightly sad as she sensed the song’s ending,
only to find that another one with a similar sound was coming next. “To dedicate your life to
something not because it is necessary, but because you like it.”
“Don’t know Lex, I find music to be very necessary. Well, of course, I suppose it isn’t for
everyone, but some find refuge in it. In the Old World, thousands of people would come together
just to listen to their favorite musician sing or play an instrument.”
“I understand Raven, however, what I mean is that music is not necessary the way food is, or
water, or having a safe place to sleep. It’s beautiful, to think people could make that choice, spend
their life doing what they loved, knowing that everything else was covered, that they didn’t need to
worry.”
Raven turned her head up and to the side to face Lexa, who had her head leaned back against the
wall, eyes closed as she got deeply immersed in the music. She had been lucky enough to choose
what she would do with her life; she spent her days doing what she enjoyed most. Lexa didn’t have
that; she had the life other people had decided she had to live.
Raven leaned in, careful not to tug on the cord and pull it out of Lexa’s ear, she placed a gentle kiss
on the alpha’s cheek, watching as Lexa opened her eyes and looked back at her, a smile instantly
stretching across her face at the mere sight of Raven.
“I can see you being a musician,” Raven said, trying to remain serious even with the arched
eyebrow Lexa sent her way. “No, really, hear me out. I would have taken an engineering major,
you would have taken a music major, you would have played an instrument needed in the song you
liked, strings maybe, like the cello or the violin, no, no, the piano. I can totally see your hands
flying over the keys, they would look so pretty, they are already so elegant and thin, and your
fingers are long too, you have really beautiful hands. We would have met, fucked, became friends,
not necessarily in that order. And then during exam season, we would fuck every night to classical
music, just to relieve some of the tension.”
“In the time we have known each other we have had many conversations, about your work, about
the stars, about science, and you had never used as many words that I didn’t know as you did
now.”
Raven laughed, leaning in and placing an ardent kiss on the Commander’s lips, tugging at the
bottom one with her teeth playfully.
“I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything, okay?”
“Okay,” Lexa said, happy with the third song, as it was similar to the other two she had liked.
“Which words went over your head?”
“Engineering major, music major, cello, violin, piano, exam season and classical music.”
“Well in the Old-World people had an education system…”
Lexa spent the next few hours listening to Raven explain the Old World’s system of higher
education, the different professions, and careers people could choose to dedicate their lives to. How
people would have gained prestige just by going to one school and not the other.
“And you think with me being in music and you in engineering, in such different fields, we would
have still met?”
“I used to live in the stars Lexa, and we still met. I’d like to think we would meet no matter the
circumstances. Like, in every possible variant of the universe we would have ended up being
friends.”
“I’d like to think so too,” Lexa said with a small smile, leaning in to press a gentle kiss on Raven’s
cheek. Raven smiled to herself, turning her back on Lexa and leaning against her chest. “Tell me
more about this life, where would we have met?”
“Oh,” Raven said excitedly, happy that Lexa was playing along. “There are so many options!”
“Do you think you would have hated me in the beginning too?” Lexa asked softly, almost scared of
delivering the question.
Raven stiffened and turned her body sideways, so her side was pressed against Lexa’s front.
“Is that hurting you now, the fact that I used to hate you?”
“No, I just… sometimes I wake up and I can’t believe this is real, there is this moment of doubt
where I am afraid everything between us is only a dream. When you are in bed with me believing it
is easier, but when you are not, reassuring myself is much harder. I fear that one day I am going to
wake up and you are going to be gone, or that I will do something wrong that will make you hate
me as fiercely as you did before…”
“Hey, hey, shhh,” Raven said softly, curling one arm around Lexa’s shoulders and resting her
forehead against the alpha’s temple. “Don’t say that, you have nothing to be afraid of. I am not
leaving you and I am sure I’m not capable of hating you anymore. I will hate you if you get your
ass killed though, but only under those specific circumstances,” Raven said, relief blooming in her
chest at the small smile that tugged at the corners of Lexa’s lips.
“You are sure?” Lexa asked, still hesitant, still unsure.
“I’m sure.”
“I’m sorry, what we have is hard to understand after being on my own for so long,” Lexa said and
Raven nodded in understanding, cupping Lexa’s cheek and brushing her thumb over the soft skin.
“I know and I get it, but if you wake up wondering if all of this is a dream then grab the radio and
talk to me, you know I will always answer.”
“I don’t like to wake you up,” Lexa whispered, leaning her head more heavily against Raven’s
palm.
“I know but I would prefer if you woke me up instead of feeling this way for who knows how long.
I want to help you feel better.”
“You already do, I’m just being foolish. I need to find a way to stop feeling this way when you are
not there and I will, I promise.”
“Hey, no, listen,” Raven said cupping Lexa’s cheeks firmly and looking directly into her eyes. “We
are together in this. I don’t want you to fix this on your own, I don’t want you to. I want to help
you, okay?”
“You already do so much for me, I do not wish to keep burdening you, one day you will get tired
of it and with reason,” Lexa said, she was concerned and getting progressively more upset. Raven
frowned to herself, the only thing she did for Lexa was to talk to her, that was all, that was it and
still, Lexa spoke as if Raven was moving mountains for her or something similar.
The fact that she was certain Raven would get tired of it one day was worrisome on its own, Raven
understood what Lexa thought even if the alpha didn’t explicitly say it. Lexa was concerned that
her problems would become too much of a burden for Raven, that one day it would become too
much of an inconvenience to her, too tiresome, and that because of that she would walk away.
“Don’t say that, please,” Raven said softly, wrapping both arms around the alpha’s shoulders and
hugging her as tight as she could. She held Lexa in her arms, feeling the other woman rest her head
on her shoulder as her strong arms curled around Raven’s middle, hesitant hands tightening loosely
around Raven’s back. “You are not a burden I will get tired of, you are my friend Lexa and that
means I am responsible for you, it's like the fox said, you become responsible, forever, for what
you have tamed.”
“I understand and I remember, it’s just…” Lexa trailed off, her voice muffled by Raven’s shoulder.
The omega pulled back slightly, just enough to look at the Commander in the eye. “Responsibility
sometimes might feel like an obligation, and that is not something I want for you. We are bound by
the ties of friendship, that is true, and there is nothing I value more, but I still want you to feel free
even while being tied to each other by our friendship might imply otherwise.”
“Refusing to commit to someone is not freedom, it is cowardice and I refuse to be a coward. I

freely chose to be your friend; I freely chose to do what I can to help you with your burdens and I
freely chose to accept the pain that I will face if something were to happen to you. Telling you I am
your friend but not taking the hard parts of what that means is not freedom, it’s fake, it’s a ruse, and
it for sure is not friendship. I know you want me to not worry about you and to not feel bad over
things that happen in your life, I know you only want to make me feel good things, but I feel like
that is only half of a friendship, maybe less and that’s not me. I can’t do things halfway, I won’t,
and I feel very happy to call myself your friend, I wouldn’t be able to call myself that if I only took
the good parts of being friends with you and avoided the hard parts-”
“But Raven-”
“No, no buts, you are my friend, I care about you, I want to help you and feeling that way does not
make me feel burdened or tired. I’m just happy to have found this connection with someone.”
“You speak true?” Lexa asked, eyes big and light like a child’s. She was amazed, in utter awe of
what Raven had just said. The omega could see the disbelief all over her face, the tentative joy that
came with it, and wasn’t that just a little sad?
“Of course, I do,” Raven said with a smile, closing her eyes and leaning in, resting her forehead
against Lexa’s as she allowed herself to breathe. There was nothing else in between them, just air
and music, the soft melody of the piano flowing in their ears as they allowed themselves a moment
to just be.
“Thank you, Raven, there is nothing I cherish more than this, us, you ,” Lexa whispered, feeling
much lighter.
Raven smiled to herself, her eyes closed as she nuzzled her nose against Lexa’s.
“You can’t say things like that.” Raven didn’t see, but a smile stretched across Lexa’s cheeks, the
alpha knowing well what came next.
Raven’s arms tightened around Lexa’s shoulders, the palms of her hands gently running over the
back of the Commander’s shoulders before one of them reached her nape, her fingers gently
caressing the sensitive skin before they buried in soft dark hair, pulling the alpha closer and finally,
finally, allowing their lips to meet.
Lexa sighed into the kiss, a shiver running quickly down her spine at the feel of Raven’s warm
mouth and soft lips pressed against her own. Raven let out a similar expression, humming low in
pleasure at the soft stroke of Lexa’s tongue against her own, the movement languid and gentle,
making Raven’s stomach flip. Raven felt her back arch against Lexa’s chest, her toes curling at the
sensation of the Commander’s taste on the tip of her tongue. Lexa tilted her head to the side,
opening her mouth just a little wider, Raven’s moist breath and her own becoming one as the kiss
was deepened. Raven felt the Commander’s fingers catch at her back under the hem of her blouse,
hesitating for a few seconds before they trailed up her back, tracing each bump in her spine with
only the pads of her digits. The touch was feather-like, somehow electric in its softness, making
something deep in Raven’s gut clench so hard it hurt. Her body dissolved into nothing in Lexa’s
arms, soft and pliant as the Commander maneuvered them on the bed, leaving Raven flat against
the mattress.
The movement caused the earbuds to fall from their ears, the cable caught under Raven’s elbow,
which pulled it from the jack, letting the music spill free from the device, much quieter and much
less clear as it came from the tiny speakers. The soft notes of the piano filtered in Raven’s ears as
Lexa’s hands moved down her body, firm and strong as they gripped Raven’s underwear and
pulled, ripping the fabric until her hand was free to roam unrestricted.
During all of this Lexa’s mouth stayed pressed tightly against hers, none of them willing to part,
pausing for a few seconds and breathing in using their noses without pulling away. Lexa’s taste
was addictive, sensual, luxurious, somehow royal, indescribable and always accompanied by her
mouthwatering scent, it was a mix of leather and sandalwood, of rain and fresh grass, of the mint
leaves she used to wash her mouth and the lavender oil she used to calm the pain in her shoulder.
Kissing her felt like taking a breath of fresh air and the mere thought of stopping made Raven’s
chest ache, her lungs refusing to let her go, Lexa’s breath was the only source of oxygen they
would take.
Raven tightened one arm around Lexa’s neck, her forearm pressed against the back of the
Commander’s neck while her free arm remained buried deep in her hair, fingers gently scratching
the alpha’s scalp as the Commander’s fingers pressed tight circles against her clit. Raven’s back
arched once more, her legs falling open to the sides as her moans were muffled against Lexa’s lips.
Her brows furrowed in pleasure, a hot flush crawling up her neck as beads of sweat bloomed on her
skin.
Lexa’s motions didn’t stop, her fingers moving expertly, knowing exactly how to play Raven’s
body, where to touch, how to touch, knowing which rhythm she needed to follow and how much
pressure she needed to apply. She had learned everything she needed to know about Raven’s body,
she had learned how to make the omega produce sounds as heavenly and beautiful as the ones
coming from the music that surrounded them.
Soon enough the sensations in Raven’s body started to build into a roaring crescendo, her pleasure
climbing fast and loud as she threw her head back, breaking their kiss, her breathing growing fast
an erratic with every press of Lexa’s fingers, with each searing kiss the alpha sucked against her
neck. Raven felt Lexa’s lips move, her tongue drawing shapes all the way down her throat until
Lexa’s mouth latched onto the crook of her shoulder, delivering a stinging bite and a particularly
sharp nudge to her clit that ended up sending Raven over the edge, a shout of pleasure drowning
the sound of the music briefly before it was gone, leaving only the piano and the strings, Raven’s
erratic breathing and the quiet sound of Lexa’s lips as she continued to press soothing kisses on her
skin.
“Was that okay? I didn’t ask for permission to touch you like that,” Lexa asked worriedly, cupping
Raven’s cheek gently with her hand as she kept her gaze locked with the omega’s.
“That was more than okay,” Raven whispered, turning her head to the side so she could press a soft
kiss to the inside of Lexa’s hand. “Please touch me however you like.”
Lexa only smiled in response, leaning down to press a kiss between Raven’s brows.
“May I take your shirt off?” Lexa asked, she was still fully clothed and Raven was still wearing her
shirt.
“So, you make me cum and then you ask me if you can take my shirt off?” Raven arched her
eyebrows in amusement, watching as an adorable flush covered the Commander’s cheeks. “Yes
Lex, you can take my shirt off," Raven said with a smile, lifting her torso from the bed and putting
her arms over her head so Lexa had an easier time pulling the fabric off her body. "Your turn now."
Raven sat up, the Commander kneeling over her lap, never letting her weight rest on Raven.
She helped Lexa take her shirt off, discarding the garment and allowing herself a few seconds to
regard the alpha's naked torso. Her eyes slid over prominent shoulders and muscular arms, biceps
and triceps budging and straining under soft skin, visible without Lexa having to tense her muscles,
a vein protruding slightly, making Raven's mouth water. She wasn't overly big or bulky, but her
body had more definition, the lines that separated one muscle from the other were more visible,
having deepened.
The same thing happened to her abs and hips, Raven could easily count the six-pack, and her
mouth suddenly went dry at the prominent v cut of her hips. Raven couldn't wait to see her legs.
"You look stronger than before," she mentioned, trying to remain as casual as possible as her hands
roamed freely over Lexa's solid body.
"We have been apart for almost 4 months, I have had time to get my body back in shape after being
sick," Lexa said.
"Look, I'm really not complaining, but it really sounds like you have been overdoing it," Raven
said, looking up at Lexa with a concerned frown.
"I can't allow my people to think me weak, I have been sick and injured and because of that I need
to show them that I'm well and ready to fight for them."
"What about your shoulder though?" Raven asked, her hands moving to Lexa's left shoulder, as she
massaged it gently with her hands.
"Please, do not worry," Lexa insisted, leaning forwards and pushing Raven back against the
mattress. "Tomorrow is your birthday, I don't want you to worry about anything."
Raven knew that pressing the subject when Lexa didn't want to talk was meaningless, she let out a
sigh and smiled up at the alpha on top of her.
"Okay, come kiss me then," Raven said and Lexa smiled leaning down to press her lips against
Raven's once more.
Soon Raven was filled with the same urgency as before, with the almost maddening sensation that
came with having Lexa’s lips locked with her own. She kissed her with as much passion as she
could, sensually, slowly, caressing Lexa’s neck and chest, trailing her hands down, dipping her
fingers in the contour of her abdominal muscles, before cupping the swelling bulge that continually
pressed between the apex of her thighs.
“Not yet,” Lexa whispered against her lips, taking Raven’s wandering hand in her own and
interlocking their fingers, trapping Raven’s hand against the mattress above her head. Raven
whined low in her throat, not having much time to complain when she felt the Commander’s lips
separate from her own.
The alpha started moved down then, and just knowing what she was going to do made wetness
drip from Raven’s opening.
Lexa took Raven’s other hand and pressed it next to other above her head, holding them both there
as her mouth moved down the column of Raven’s neck.
“I do not want you to move, not unless I say so, okay?” the Commander asked in that unusual mix
of wording and tone where she made a question sound like an order. It was the most dominant and
confident she had been in a really long time and only seeing that made Raven’s gut clench in
arousal.
“What will you do if I don’t do what you say?” Raven asked breathlessly, by then Lexa had moved
lower still and was dipping her tongue gently over the hollow of her throat, slowly moving lower
and lower, her lips only brushing the valley between Raven’s breasts, the soft touch leaving
goosebumps in its wake, driving Raven insane with desire. Lexa hadn’t touched her properly yet,
she was being very slow and very gentle, and the softness of each touch, the featherlike quality of it
was making Raven’s walls clench around nothing, her essence dripping and soaking the sheets
under her body.
“I will push you to the edge over and over again,” Lexa said, punctuating each word with a flick of
her tongue around Raven’s nipple, “and then, right before you can fall I will pull back, just like
this,” she said, removing her mouth from Raven’s breast. “I will do that until it hurts so much that
you will beg me to let you come.”
“Fuck,” Raven whispered under her breath, aching to clench her legs, to get some friction in
between her thighs but she had been told not to move.
“Good,” Lexa said, gazing at Raven appreciatively, the omega going still under her hands, her
muscles tense and quivering with the need to alleviate the fire in her gut.
Raven thought she was going to lose her mind, in all the times she had been with Lexa the
Commander had never taken so long to make her cum, she had never been so gentle and she had
never dedicated so much time to touch and kiss every single inch of Raven’s body, Raven never let
her, she was all about the climax, about being fucked as hard and as fast as necessary to get there.
This was new and Raven didn’t quite know what to make of it.
Lexa kissed her everywhere, her shoulders, her sides, her belly, and her hips, taking her time to
leave open mouthed kisses all over freckles, scars and even stretch marks. She was careful to let
her fingers wander over the empty spaces between her ribs and mapped carefully the protruding
bones at her hips. She dipped her tongue inside her belly button and allowed her hands to caress the
inside of Raven’s thighs, massaging tiny circles over the muscle on one leg while her lips kissed
the other before she switched, repeating the same process until she met Raven’s knees.
Raven could only watch as she moved lower and lower, past her calves and towards her feet, giving
them the same gentle treatment before moving up. By then Raven’s lips were trembling, her
breathing ragged as tears rolled down her temples and got lost in her hair. She thought she had been
thoroughly looked after before, cared for before, but she was wrong because no other experience
could compare to this, to the compassion and the dedication, to the gentleness… Raven didn’t
think she had ever felt as revered and important as she felt then. She didn’t think she knew how
being worshipped looked like, how it felt like, not until that moment. Not until she lived it in her
own skin.
Lexa finally came up, looking down at Raven with an expression in her eyes that made the
omega’s heart race.
“Tomorrow is your birthday, you are the one that is meant to be receiving gifts, but still, I am the
lucky one just by having you in my life. It is your birthday but I am the one getting the biggest gift,
I’m the one who gets to be there to witness you being alive and well and happy, and that is the
greatest gift life has ever given me. It is the only thing that matters, and I need you to know that,
okay?” Lexa said, lowering her body until the slope of her nose was pressed gently against the side
of Raven’s.
“Okay,” Raven said breathlessly, not knowing what to say, not knowing if she would ever
comprehend what Lexa had just told her. “You really can’t say things like that.”
“That’s just what I hoped you would say,” Lexa said with a smile, leaning back to gaze down at the
omega.
“Why aren’t you kissing me then?” Raven asked, not daring to move yet.
“Because I plan on kissing you somewhere else,” Lexa said, placing a chaste kiss on Raven’s lips
before moving down once more, her hands parting Raven’s thighs as she lowered her head, her lips
soon making contact with Raven’s center.
A loud moan fell from Raven’s lips, her hands tightening into fists as she fought to keep her body
still, Lexa’s tongue dipping inside her opening and tracing every edge with the very tip before
pulling back, licking and sucking every surface while she avoided the hardened nub that rested on
top.
Raven became a shivering mess, her eyes clenched shut as every muscle in her body started to
quiver. Lexa had had her standing on the edge of climax for what felt like ages, she had stimulated
every nerve ending, she had awakened every inch of skin, making Raven aware of places in her
body that she barely thought about. She was ready to reach the high, she was touching it with the
tip of her fingers, she just needed one little push, one that came a couple of minutes later, when the
Commander finally wrapped her lips around her clit.
Raven let out a breathless shout, her hips jumping without her permission, the terror of Lexa
stopping making her bones freeze. The reaction only seemed to make the Commander more eager,
her tongue flicking harder and faster over the swollen bud. Once more, Raven’s voice rose to the
ceiling, growing louder and louder until the Commander gave her clit a sharp suck, triggering
Raven’s orgasm. Raven felt as if the Commander had just thrown a match into gasoline tank, heat
rushed up and down her body, making her toes curl and her thighs clench, her gut pulsing rapidly
as waves of pleasure rushed up to her head, the tiny hairs on the back of her neck standing on end
as it arched back, twisting unnaturally at the force of her climax.
Raven came down from her high with her eyes closed and her body limp, feeling the Commander
lap gently at her center, helping her through the aftershocks of her orgasm. Raven gently pushed at
Lexa’s shoulder, the Commander retreated immediately, crawling up Raven’s body until they were
face to face.
“Are you okay?” Lexa asked quietly, her eyes moved all over the omega’s flushed face, her lips
shining with Raven’s arousal.
“I’m perfect, I’m two orgasms in and you haven’t even taken your pants off,” Raven said with a
smile, bringing the Commander down by the neck. The Heda curled her tongue around Raven’s,
allowing her to taste herself fully, making her hum in appreciation.
“Your taste is heavenly, I would be happy to spend the rest of the night between your legs,” Lexa
whispered, nuzzling her nose against the omega’s as she ran her tongue over her lips, enjoying the
taste of Raven in her mouth.
“I wouldn’t be opposed to that, but by now your erection must be getting really painful,” Raven
said, reaching down to rub the Commander’s cock through her pants.
“I can take care of it later by myself, now I just want to take care of you,” Lexa said, her tone soft
and gentle as she ran her fingers gently over Raven’s left forearm, letting her weight rest on her
elbows as she interlocked her hand with the omega’s; with the other, she pushed some stray hairs
out of Raven’s face.
“We can do both,” Raven said, brushing her thumb over the side of Lexa’s. “I want you inside of
me.”
“You are too sensitive, we should wait,” Lexa said, a concerned frown on her brows as she felt
Raven’s hand sneak under her pants and wrap around her member.
She was too hard to not be in pain, her shaft already leaking precum and pulsing in Raven’s grasp.
Any other alpha would have stuck their dick anywhere to relieve themselves of the uncomfortable
sensation, but not Lexa, even as aroused as she was, she would rather wait or take care of it herself
before making Raven uncomfortable.
“I want you, Lex,” Raven said honestly, knowing that Lexa wouldn’t give in if Raven didn’t make
it about herself. “I want to feel you inside of me, I want you to come inside of me, please.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Lexa said, looking down at Raven with earnest green eyes.
“You won’t, we can go slow, okay?” Raven said, watching a million thoughts cross the
Commander’s eyes before she finally nodded her head.
“Okay,” the Commander said, standing up to take her pants off before going back to Raven’s arms.
Raven sighed contently as soon as she had the Commander’s warm body pressed against hers, she
buried her head on her neck and breathing in, shuddering in content as the scent of alpha filled her
lungs.
Lexa gently rolled them onto their sides, supporting Raven’s head with an arm under her neck
while keeping her free arm tight around the omega’s back. Raven didn’t wait to wrap one arm
around the Commander’s back, throwing one leg over her side and pressing her body flush against
the alpha’s.
After that, it was only a matter of lining up and coming together. The swollen head of Lexa’s cock
pushed its way past Raven’s opening, making the omega let out a little gasp at the intrusion. She
didn’t think she would ever get used to the way Lexa could fill her.
“Are you okay? I can stop right now,” Lexa said worriedly, looking at Raven as her hips stayed
still, refusing to push all the way in.
“I’m perfect,” Raven said with a smile, cupping Lexa’s cheek and tracing her jaw with her thumb,
“I’m perfectly okay, I promise.” She pushed her hips forward, forcing the Commander’s thick shaft
all the way inside of her in one swift movement.
“Ah…” the Commander groaned low in her throat, letting her forehead fall against Raven’s. The
omega smiled to herself, clenching her walls deliberately around the alpha’s cock, content to hear
Lexa let out the same sound once more.
“I want you to come inside of me,” Raven whispered, moving her hips back and forth in a gentle
swaying motion, feeling the Commander meet all of her movements. “Come for me, please.”
Raven felt the Heda’s hips shiver against her own, her movements falling out of rhythm for a
second before they picked up its pace. Lexa trailed her hand down Raven’s bare side, stopping at
her behind and tightening her hand around it to pull her closer, caressing her thigh and pulling it
further up her side. Raven immediately understood what she was trying to do and hooked her leg
around the Commander’s waist, her calf pressed hard against the Commander’s back as the alpha
continued thrusting her hips, the resounding slap of her center meeting Raven’s coming faster and
harder with every thrust.
Raven braced herself against Lexa’s shoulders, feeling the Heda bury her gorgeous face against the
crook of her neck, mouthing the salt on her skin between panting breaths. Raven held her as firmly
as she could, her body coiling tight as her nails sunk on the Commander’s soft skin, her walls
starting to flutter around the swollen dick in her insides, sucking it in and clenching constantly,
barely letting the Heda pull out.
“Come for me Lexa, please!” Raven said, her voice loud in the Commander’s ear as the alpha’s
thrusts grew harder and faster still, the impact of her hips against Raven’s body making the
omega’s whole body vibrate. Lexa’s hand hiked up Raven’s naked thigh, her hand grabbing a
handful of her behind and pulling her forwards, aiding Raven in meeting her movements.
Soon enough the friction and the pressure became too much for the omega, her walls clenching
harder than she thought possible around Lexa’s cock, triggering her orgasm and sending rivulets of
cum splashing all over Raven’s inside. The sensation made Raven’s eyes roll to the back of her
head, her body was overcome by tremors as waves upon waves of pleasure continued to consume
her body. She eventually went limp in Lexa’s arms, her breathing ragged and her heart racing,
white spots dancing across her vision.
“You always feel so good,” the Commander mumbled against Raven’s lips, her eyes only opening
halfway as she felt her cock start to soften inside the omega. Still, she was reluctant to pull out,
Raven’s channel was warm and wet, there was no better place to be.
“I can say the same,” Raven whispered, feeling bone-tired and barely awake as she tucked herself
against the Commander’s bare chest.
“I can make you a bath… change the sheets…” Lexa mumbled, though her tone said that she was
almost half asleep as well.
“Later,” Raven said, pumping comforting pheromones so the Commander would fall asleep
quicker.
Lexa struggled to keep her eyes open, holding Raven securely against her chest, worried about
keeping her safe and comfortable.
“Are you okay? Is there anything you need?” Lexa asked and Raven sighed, moving a hand up
Lexa’s back to caress her nape. The alpha instantly let out a quiet whine, eyes fluttering shut at the
soft touch.
“‘m perfect,” Raven mumbled. “Sleep.”
Before long they were both under, curled up around each other.
…………..
Hours later Raven woke up alone and sore, she groaned in distaste, opening her eyes to see Lexa
changing, putting on her clothes for the day as she stood beside Raven’s bed.
“Why are you not in bed and naked right now?” Raven asked, annoyance filling her tone.
Lexa smiled at her, green eyes light and bright as she crouched next to the bed and pressed a soft
kiss to Raven’s forehead.
“Because I was making sure everything was ready. Happy Birthday, Raven,” Lexa said and the
Mechanic smiled.
“I think you wished me a happy birthday quite a few times already,” the omega said and Lexa
blushed slightly. She was about to tease the alpha some more when someone knocked at the door.
Lexa stood up to open it, and instead of letting someone inside, she took something from them and
walked back in.
“I had breakfast prepared for you,” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes widened slightly.
“God Lex, that’s just too much,” Raven said as she covered her front with the bedsheets and sat up
against the head of the bed.
“It’s an important day, you need to eat properly,” Lexa insisted and Raven reached out with her
hand to grab some food and put it in her mouth.
“This is really gorgeous, did it come from Polis?” Raven asked as she took a carefully carved
wooden flower.
The Commander scratched the back of her neck, looking slightly nervous.
“Octavia said I should decorate the tray, she said flowers are constantly used, but we don’t have
many flowers at this time of the year so I had to make it,” Lexa said and Raven looked up at her
with a bright smile and slightly widened eyes.
“You made this?” Raven asked, even if the Commander had already answered that question. Lexa
nodded in response and the omega’s smile widened further. “It is really beautiful, thank you.”
“No need,” Lexa said, her lips turning up into a soft smile.
“What is this?” Raven asked as she reached for a small box that was also on the tray, it was
elegant, beautiful, carefully made and polished, and it also had Raven’s initials carved on the top.
“A gift, I told you yesterday that I brought you a couple, I wasn’t sure how many I should have
brought but Octavia said you are to receive gifts during your birthday, so I brought you a few. This
is one of them.”
“Oh, Lexa, you didn’t have to, you already gave me the mp3 player and I am just really happy you
came, that is more than enough,” Raven said, and Lexa frowned slightly.
“You will get everything you are supposed to get on your birthday, Raven. It is my intention that
you have a wonderful day, as you are supposed to,” Lexa said and the seriousness in her face told
the omega that there was no way she would change her mind.
“Okay,” Raven said, opening the box to find a bracelet placed gently on a soft cloth. “This is so
cool!” Raven said. The bracelet was made out of bolts, gears and other small machine parts. “How
did you come up with this?”
“I know you enjoy working with machines, there are no working machines in Polis, and most of
them aren’t small enough for me to transport them, but I thought this could make you think of
them. I apologize for it not being as beautiful as you deserve, making jewelry is not my area of
expertise,” Lexa said, looking at Raven with her head tilted down in a quiet apology.
“Are you kidding? This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, I love it, Lexa!”
“Yes?” The Commander asked, unsure.
“Yes!” Raven said, her heart beating fast, the whole expanse of her chest feeling warm. “Help me
put it on,” the omega demanded, and Lexa did as told, running her finger gently over Raven’s wrist
and then placing a gentle kiss to the back of her hand.
“There’s one more gift left.”
“More? Lexa, really, you have already given me enough,” Raven said, watching as Lexa moved
towards her traveling sac and pulled something out of it.
“Please, Raven, allow me to show you how much I cherish you,” Lexa said, crouching down next
to the bed and looking up at Raven with hopeful green eyes. How could Raven ever deny those
eyes?
“Okay,” Raven said with a sigh, taking the wrapped gift from Lexa’s hands.
She unwrapped it gently, quickly feeling the leather underneath, watching the perfectly made metal
buckles and running her fingers over the raven engraved on the front.
“It’s a leather tool roll, I do not know if you have anything like this, but I hoped it would make
your work easier. It is made with the best leather we have,” Lexa said, waiting for Raven to say
something.
“It’s amazing, Lexa. Thank you,” Raven said, her eyes getting slightly wet. She moved the tray of
food away from her lap and pulled Lexa into a tight hug. “I loved all the gifts, they are amazing,
thank you.”
Lexa hugged her gently, hands caressing the bare skin of Raven’s back.
“Are you happy?” The Commander asked as she pulled away, looking up into Raven’s dark eyes.
“Very happy,” Raven responded at once, her bright eyes and wide smile corroborating her answer.
“Come here, share this breakfast with me.”
“It’s for you, I can have something later.”

“I am not taking no for an answer, get here,” Raven said, patting the bed until Lexa relented, sitting
next to the omega as they started eating their breakfast.
…………..
Raven did a double-take when she saw Octavia with one of Lexa’s swords hanging from her back.
“What are you doing with Lexa’s sword?” Raven asked. Octavia stood up from where she was
sitting and wrapped her arms around Raven.
“Happy Birthday!” Octavia basically shouted, squeezing the omega’s shoulders.
Raven laughed and hugged her friend back.
“Thanks, O.”
“I see the Commander has already pampered you,” Octavia said, regarding Raven’s brand new
undershirt and deep red leather jacket. Lexa hadn’t counted them as gifts because they were
clothes, Raven told her otherwise but was still forced to accept them. “You look thoroughly fucked
and fresh.”
“Shit, O! Say it a little louder, will you?”
“Everyone knows you are fucking, Raven, I went to wake you up this morning and heard banging
accompanied by other sounds like-”
“Okay, I get it, no need to finish that sentence,” Raven said and Octavia looked back at her with a
teasing smile.
“My point is that everyone that walked by your room this morning knew what was going on in
there, maybe not with who, but that’s fairly easy to figure out,” Octavia said and Raven shrugged.
“It’s none of their business,” Raven said. “Now, why do you have Lexa’s sword?”
“Do you know that the Commander, her Nightbloods and personal guard have a special Blacksmith
that works only for them and that makes the best weapons in Trikru?” Octavia asked and Raven
shook her head, she knew where Lexa got her weapons from, but she didn’t know they were
special.
“No, but I know she wouldn’t just give you her swords.”
“She asked me for help with your birthday, I said that I would help her if she gave me her sword,”
Octavia said. “I didn’t think she would give it to me because it just isn’t anyone’s sword, it’s the
Commander’s sword, but she didn’t think much about it, told me she would give it to me when she
came here next.”
“Really?” Raven asked, and something in her stomach fluttered. Octavia nodded with a small
smile. “She did mention you had helped her. How did she reach out to you? She told me her radio
had been damaged.”
“Yeah, but she reached out before she left Polis, a long while ago. That’s why I knew where she
had gone because I had been speaking to her, too.” Octavia said and Raven nodded.
“I am surprised you agreed to help her out.”
“She gave me her sword, Raven. Yes, I can barely lift it properly, but I know I won’t ever have a
weapon of this quality,” Octavia said and Raven smiled with an arched eyebrow, giving the
Commander’s sword an appreciative look.
“Too heavy for you?”
“Yeah, I don’t know how she does it,” Octavia said, a little bit of awe filtering in her tone.
“You haven’t seen her biceps yet, it is all muscle, she lifts me up like I weigh nothing, it is quite
arousing,” Raven said and Octavia’s face twisted into a grimace.
“I did not need to know that.”
“Could have fooled me, you are always bringing up my sex life,” Raven said with a smirk.
“Yes, but I don’t expect you to tease me back, that’s just rude,” Octavia said and Raven laughed,
nudging her friend’s shoulder with her own. “Where is she now? Didn’t think she would leave you
out of her sight.”
“Talking to Abby, she said it wouldn’t take long. She wants to spend as much time with me as she
can because she will leave really early tomorrow,” Raven said, her smile crumbling at the edges.
“You got really sad right there,” Octavia said, curling an arm around Raven’s shoulders.
“Yeah, I just wish we didn’t have to be apart for so long. Every time she leaves, I don’t know when
I will see her again,” Raven said and Octavia nodded in understanding. “We talk constantly and it’s
great, but it just isn’t the same as seeing her.”
“What stops you from going with her?” Octavia asked and Raven turned to look at her with a
frown.
“What?”
“You heard me, why don’t you go with her to Polis? She is stuck there, she doesn’t really have
much of a choice, but you do. You could go with her and you have visited her already, so you will
know your way around the place,” Octavia said and Raven was left at a loss of words for a couple
of seconds.
“My people are right here, Octavia. I wouldn’t leave you guys,” Raven said as if it was obvious.
“We might be your people, Raven, but it is quite clear that she is who you want to be with now,”
Octavia said and before Raven could answer anything a gentle hand landed on her shoulder.
“Raven, Octavia,” The Commander said, giving them a court nod in greeting.
“Heda,” Octavia said, slightly bowing her head before she walked away.
“Did I interrupt?” the Commander said, glancing at Octavia’s retreating form.
“Not at all, we were just talking. Did everything go okay with Abby?”
“Yes, she agreed to lend me the dining hall for your birthday celebration, I thought it would be a
good idea to come and ask you who would you want to be in attendance besides your friend Monty,
Bellamy, Octavia, Mr. Sinclair and Harper.”
“Wait? What? Birthday celebration?” Raven asked with confusion.

“Yes, Octavia mentioned that everyone should have a party on their birthday and that it must
include alcoholic beverages, food, music, and maybe dancing. If the weather was better, I would
have prepared a bonfire, but with the cold staying inside is wiser.”
“Octavia is right, parties are typical for birthdays, but I think I would like to do something else,”
Raven said and Lexa frowned slightly, her brows pinched together.
“What is it? I will do what I can to make it happen,” Lexa said, and the seriousness in her face only
served to make warmth spread all over Raven’s chest.
“I want us to go back to my room, watch a movie, have some food and then I want you to tell me
everything you didn’t get to tell me while you were away.”
“That doesn’t sound too enjoyable,” Lexa said, looking concerned. Raven sighed, knowing that
getting the alpha to agree would take some convincing.
“It will be enjoyable; it is all I want. Just a cool movie from our archive and talking to you until we
both fall asleep; I need to get my fix before you leave. A party would involve a lot of socializing
and I am not too into that right now,” Raven said, tilting her head to the side with worried eyes.
“Okay, we will do as you wish,” Lexa said, gently guiding Raven back inside with a hand low on
her waist.
……………
Raven watched Lexa try really hard to stay awake, it came to a point where it was excruciating, the
alpha’s eyes would fall shut and then she would blink herself awake with a bit of a startle, trying to
remember what Raven had been saying a moment before.
Raven tried to tell her that it was okay, that they could go to sleep. She knew that the Commander
had been working really hard before coming, that traveling such long distances by horse would
wear anyone out and that the Commander had all the right to be exhausted, but she wouldn’t give
in.
A sleepy and bone-tired Lexa was a lovely occurrence, though. She was even more gentle than
usual, her smiles came easier, and her eyes, droopy and hazy would look at Raven like she hung the
stars in the sky. Her speech changed too, and she would sometimes slip into Trigedasleng without
noticing.
“Lex, please,” Raven mumbled as the alpha nodded off for the hundredth time. “Just sleep.”
“Who knows when I will see you again?” The Commander mumbled, pulling the omega closer to
her body. It was late, way past midnight and no longer Raven’s birthday, she would have to get up
in a few hours to go back to Polis. “There is no time to waste, I will rest in Polis.”
Raven let out a snort, looking at Lexa’s heavy eyes as she tucked a curl of brunette hair behind the
alpha’s ear. She couldn’t help but leave her fingers around the tiny thing, running them over its
shell and making Lexa sigh in content.
“You never rest in Polis,” Raven said as she started to flood the room with her pheromones, they
were sweet and comforting, they would fill the alpha with warmth, and as she continued to trace
Lexa’s ear and jaw Raven knew the Commander wouldn’t be able to hold on for long.
“Stop,” Lex said, once her eyes threatened to fall closed. “I know what you are doing.”
“Please, I am tired, too,” Raven lied, she was very awake, she always was when Lexa was around,
even more so when she knew the alpha would be gone so soon. “Let’s just sleep,” Raven
whispered, cuddling closer to Lexa’s chest.
The Commander let out a low hum, wrapping one arm tighter around the Mechanic’s body and
reaching out with the other to pull the sheets up and over their bodies.
Long moments later, long after Raven had assumed the Commander had fallen asleep and she had
settled to contently listen to her heartbeat, she felt the Commander’s hand gently caress her back
and she felt her head as it leaned down to rest against her own.
“I wish I could choose to stay,” the Commander whispered, thinking the omega was asleep.
Raven’s heart raced at the quiet confession. She fought herself as strongly as she could, knowing
her answer would only make things harder.
“Me too,” Raven answered, feeling Lexa tense a little in surprise before relaxing.
“Forgive me, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Lexa said, her hand moving up and down Raven’s back.
“You didn’t,” Raven said, running her hands over the Commander’s side, where her shirt had
ridden up. “But if you don’t sleep now, I will be even more worried than usual as you travel, I need
you sharp and ready in case something happens.”
“Okay, I will try to rest now,” Lexa said and Raven smiled slightly, pressing a soft kiss to the
alpha’s chest.
……………………
The next morning was bittersweet, they were both tired, sleep-deprived and sad. They pulled
themselves out of bed, knowing that the Commander was awfully late and that she wouldn’t have
time for a bath. Still, the woman washed her face and her mouth and came back into Raven’s room
to put on her clothes and her armor.
Raven helped as much as she could, trying to stay in contact with the Commander as much as she
could before she had to leave, and trying to put a smile on her face, she knew the last thing Lexa
needed was to see her sad before she left.
“Did you have a good birthday?”
“I did,” Raven said, a radiant smile on her face, her eyes impossibly soft. “It was the best birthday I
have ever had.”
“I am glad to hear that,” the Commander said. “Please, take care of yourself. Reach out if you need
anything.”
“I will, I promise,” Raven said, moving forward to wrap her arms tightly around the alpha’s
shoulders. Lexa did the same and held her close, hands firm and strong on Raven’s back. The alpha
buried her head on Raven’s neck, breathing in deeply. “You are not authorized to die, or get hurt,
are we clear?” Raven said, hugging the alpha harder as she closed her eyes. Lexa let out a short
laugh before pulling away.
“I will try my best,” Lexa said, leaning forward to press a kiss to Raven’s forehead before picking
up her traveling sac and moving towards the door.
“Lexa! Wait!” Raven said, grabbing the Commander’s arm and bringing her close once again. “Be
okay, alright? That’s all I need.”
“I will be okay, I promise. I will check in once we set camp for the night,” Lexa said, pulling away
once again, this time leaving a kiss on the omega’s cheek.
“Okay, go. I will be waiting,” Raven said. Lexa nodded and walked out the door, doing her best not
to look back, knowing that if she did, she would never leave.
Chapter 11
Chapter Notes
Hey guys!! Shorter update today, hope you like it. Double update this week! Yes, I
updated my OT3 fic too.
The quote used in this chapter is from Virginia Woolf's Selected Diaries.
The very talented inspireme87 betaed this chapter for me, she heard my cry for help
with the editing thing and came to the rescue! She even added some pretty cool lines,
so if you love Lexaven as much as I do, you can probably go and check her content, a
handful of Lexaven one shots and a multichap. Great stuff, I promise.
Now she is a busy girl, so don't get used to this kind of quality, okay? Maybe I will
have to edit (if you even can call it that) next chapter myself.
I really hope you like the knew update and I really hope to see you in the comments.
Thanks for reading!!
Ps: Inspireme87 did not edit this note for me. All mistakes are mine! :)
Lexa stood on the balcony in Polis, feeling worn and exhausted for no other reason than the miles
that separated her from Raven. She felt unstable, somehow shaky inside, restless in Raven’s
absence. She knew that the omega was okay in Arkadia, safer than she would be by her side, but
nothing compared to seeing her with her own eyes, to having tangible proof that she was safe and
happy. Lexa was constantly distracted by the memory of her smile, of the twinkle in her eyes, and
wondered if she would ever be able to get her mind back on track without having those thoughts in
the back of her head. She couldn’t help but admit that she would feel better, stronger, if the omega
was by her side. It had only been a few days since she’d left Arkadia, and her thoughts were
already becoming hard to navigate. They kept drifting, getting lost in the conversation she’d had
with Abby before leaving the Skaikru settlement. Thinking about it made needles prickle at the
back of her eyes, a headache she hadn’t been fully able to beat coming back to add to the rest of her
turmoil. And still, not even the pain kept her mind from going back to the conversation.
“Commander,” Abby said, her tone slightly tense. “I was notified of your arrival, but I have not
seen you since.”
“It was not my intention to arrive unannounced, there were certain problems on my way here that
led me to damage my radio. I didn’t come here for any kind of political matters; I came only for
Raven’s birthday which is today.”
“Oh,” Abby said, her eyebrows arched slightly, she had already been asleep when the Commander
had arrived early yesterday. Everyone had been asleep by then and by the time Abby had gotten
herself decent enough to receive the alpha, she was already locked up in Raven’s room. “That’s a
rather nice gesture, she had been missing you.”
Abby’s last comment seemed to make the alpha lose some of the blankness in her face, the corners
of her lips tilting up as her eyes widened slightly.
“She seems pleased with my visit, yes,” the Commander said, she had spent the whole day locked
in Raven’s room, talking to her, listening to music, just being with her. She couldn’t complain, that
was all she needed.
“I’m surprised you are not with her right now; I assume you won’t be here for long,” Abby said,
wondering why the Commander had come to see her in the first place.
“Octavia told me that during birthdays it is customary to have some sort of celebration, a party. I
was wondering if I could arrange something like that for Raven in the dining hall,” the
Commander said, doing her best not to sound like she was ordering the leader of the Skaikru to
lend her the space.
“Sure, I don’t see why that would be a problem, I’ll speak with the people in charge and tell them
to follow whatever orders you may have. They will help you organize the space and if you need
anything else you can let me know.”
“Thank you,” the Commander said, but she didn’t stand up to leave. She stayed there, sitting in
front of Abby with her eyes fixated on the Chancellor’s desk.
“Is there anything else I can help you with?” Abby asked softly, not wanting to dissuade the alpha
from saying what she needed to say.
“You helped me when I needed answers about how to be a good friend to Raven, my relationship
with her has grown since then, and now I find myself doubtful once more. I have questions and I
don’t know who else to ask… at the same time, I can’t keep them to myself out of fear of hurting
her.”
“I understand,” Abby said, a sliver of concern bubbling in her veins, “What is it?”
“As you know my relationship with Raven started out being sexual in nature, the event of her heat
brought us together. I offered to find her different suitors that might help her during such a difficult
time, but she denied and settled for me instead. I tried to help her as best as I could. However, after
some time, we started to get to know each other, she offered me her friendship and I took it. For a
moment I thought that being friends meant that our sexual relationship would be left in the past,
but it wasn’t. Raven introduced me to the concept of friends with benefits, and how it isn’t
uncommon for your people to maintain sexual relations with friends… I was okay with it, even if I
found it slightly strange, and have still been doing my best to please her while navigating all the
issues and insecurities that came with what Clarke told me… And while I know that Raven and I
are friends who have sex, and that she will never see me as anything different...I have fallen in love
with her and I do not know what to do about it,” the Commander said, her tone level and steady,
almost detached as she explained the situation in what Abby would call a clinical manner.
“You are in love with Raven,” Abby stated. It was more a reaffirmation than a question, but the
Commander answered anyway.
“Yes, I realized it when I was here, healing from my ruptured appendix,” the Commander said and
Abby’s eyes widened slightly.
“That’s quite a long time,” Abby said. The fall had come and gone and winter was almost over.
With all the time Raven had spent in Polis, in addition to the time Lexa had spent healing in
Arkadia, as well as the time they spent apart...How long was that? Surely more than six months,
almost a year?
“The time doesn’t matter, I am not waiting for Raven, nor do I plan on telling her how I feel. I only
want to know if I am somehow abusing her trust by being intimate with her for my own selfish
reasons while she thinks I am doing it under the pretense of the friends with benefits concept,” the
Commander said, short and to the point, making Abby frown in confusion.
“You are not going to tell her?”
“No, I cannot give her what she deserves, she deserves everything, she deserves to be with
someone that will put her first and I can never be that person. I will be here for her and I will give
her everything I can until she finds the right person, and when that happens, I will take a step back
and watch her live a happy life. That’s all I want for her,” the Commander said.
Abby could see her honesty in her eyes, her love, her passion, her devotion. She could also see that
the Commander had already made up her mind about not telling Raven about her feelings, and that
it wouldn’t be something Abby could dissuade her from. “I understand, although I think Raven
should have a say about what she wants. Even though you may think you’re not good enough for
her, she might disagree,” Abby said, giving it a shot while knowing her words would probably not
do much.
“She won’t. I had the love of her life killed and then I had her tortured, she could never love me
the way that I love her. Which is why I’ve allowed myself to have what I have with her. Loving me
would only put her in danger, and that is something I have never wanted for her. Raven does not
feel that way for me, and she never will; that is a good thing,” the Commander said strongly, her
words precise, flowing out of her mouth like they had been rehearsed.
Abby knew that those were the words the alpha told herself over and over again, that she refused to
believe anything else and she sighed. If something would ever occur between Raven and the
Commander the omega would have to be the one to take the first step, Lexa would never try it
herself. “And now you worry that because you love her, you are somehow taking advantage of
her?” Abby asked, not quite understanding the Commander’s concern.
“Yes, she thinks that I am intimate with her because of lust and that isn’t the case. I can help but
feel like I am lying each time we are together, because she thinks it means nothing. She thinks there
are no meaningful feelings involved and that is all a lie.”
Abby nodded in understanding, finally wrapping her mind around what the Commander was trying
to say.
“I do not think you are taking advantage of her or being abusive in any way. You stop if she tells
you no or pushes you away, yes?”
“Yes, I do,” the Commander said quickly, nodding her head. “I ask her if she is sure and I tell her
she can tell me to stop at any time. I try not to touch her without permission either.”
“Good, then I really don’t think you are taking advantage.”
“But I am lying by not telling her how I feel for her.”
“I do not think withholding information and lying are the same thing. Some people might disagree,
but lying is an action, it involves doing something, so by following that logic, if you say nothing or
do nothing, then you’re not lying. There’s also the fact that we’re talking about your feelings, and
you shouldn’t feel forced to share them if you don’t want to,” Abby said. “Though I must insist,
Raven should know that being with you is an option. She deserves to know you are in love with
her.”
“Being with me is not an option, Dr. Griffin. I have made that mistake before and I won’t do it
again. I will always be here for her. I’ll be whatever she needs me to be and I will do everything in
my power to ensure her happiness, but I could never endanger her life by telling her how I feel.
Telling her that could ruin our friendship, I do not wish to burden her with my feelings, with my
love, with everything that comes with my position. I want her to be safe and happy, and that’s not
something I can give her.”
Abby sighed as she leaned back in her chair, already knowing that nothing she said could change
the alpha’s mind.
“If Raven fell in love with someone else could you bare it? Could you stand there and watch her
loving someone that could have been you?”
“Yes,” the Commander said immediately, never hesitating, “the pain of seeing her with someone
else would pale in comparison to the joy I would feel at seeing her happy.”
Abby was left speechless, looking back at the alpha with newfound respect. She could see that the
love the Commander felt for Raven was real and true, it was selfless and loyal, it was devoted and
so very kind. It was a rarity in a world where the lines between lust and love were so easily blurred
and confused. Raven would be lucky to experience it, but Abby knew that she never would, not if
the Commander had any say in it.
“I know your decision has been made, but I still beg you to reconsider,” Abby insisted, receiving a
confused look from the alpha.
“You can’t possibly believe I would be a good choice for Raven, she can do much better, she
deserves better.”
“I don’t need you to be a good or a bad choice, you just need to be her choice, but she can’t choose
you if you aren’t an option,” Abby said slowly, willing the alpha to understand, “you think you are
undeserving of her, but you are making that decision for her when it should be her choice. She is
the only one who can decide who is and isn’t enough for her.”
“Being with me would break her. I am the Commander of the 13 clans, my life belongs to my
people. The only certainty that comes with my title is that I will die one day, probably soon, in a
very tragic and violent manner. All Commander’s die, always young, always tragic.”
“She knows that,” Abby said pointedly, looking back at the Commander with a crease between her
brows. “I know you hold Raven very dearly to your heart, but please, do not insult her intelligence.
She knows what comes with your position and she has accepted that one day losing you will break
her heart. You are wrong if you think losing you will hurt her less just because she doesn’t know
about your feelings. Losing you will break her either way, because even if you refuse to say the
words you are already loving her with everything you have, it is obvious, especially when it comes
to you.”
Abby watched the Commander look away, curling her hands into fists as she clenched her jaw.
“I barely know you and I can see the change in your eyes when I say her name,” Abby continued.
“You are always very stoic, very neutral when it comes to feelings, barely showing any emotions at
all, but then she steps into your line of sight and you just…” Abby trailed off, deciding not to
continue, knowing the Commander knew exactly what she was talking about.
“I’m doing what I can to keep my feelings to myself,” the Commander said, missing the soft smile
that Abby sent her way.
“You came here for her birthday, something I don’t believe your people celebrate. After spending
weeks traveling, dealing with raids and attacks, and the exhaustion that must come with all of that,
you decided to come here instead of going to Polis directly…” Abby trailed off once more, knowing
she didn’t need to say anything else.
“Friends are supposed to be there for birthdays,” the Commander said quietly. Navigating the line
between being in love with Raven and being a good friend was getting increasingly difficult and
confusing. “All I want is to be a good friend to her. I want her to be safe and happy, that is all. I
just want her to be safe and happy.”
Abby watched a translucent tear roll down the Commander’s cheek, the sight of it startling her, not
believing the Commander to be capable of displaying so much emotion in front of her. In seconds
the alpha was wiping the lonely tear away with the sleeve of her coat, keeping her eyes fixated on
the table. Abby noticed for the first time the tension on her shoulders, how she was just slightly
hunched over, keeping her arms close to her chest… as if… as if she was shielding her heart.
“You are scared,” Abby whispered then, very gently, very softly, not wanting to push the
Commander too far. The alpha finally looked up at Abby, her eyes sparkling with wetness.
“I am terrified,” she said, surprising the doctor with her honesty, “every second of every day I am
just wondering, I’m just waiting for the moment I lose her. I don’t think I could survive that, I
can’t.”
“We can’t predict that, there are so many ways we can lose the people we love. I just don’t want
you to keep this to yourself in an attempt to protect her, only to lose her either way and live the rest
of your life wondering what would have happened if you had chosen differently,” Abby said,
watching as the Commander clenched her jaw hard enough for a vein to pop in her temple.
“Look me in the eye and tell me that her chances of dying wouldn’t be higher if she was my mate.”
“I’m not saying you aren’t right, I’m just saying it might not matter. All the clans hate us. Raven is
a member of the council, she is very good at making weapons and because of what happened at the
Mountain some people know that, so it is basically common knowledge. She could be targeted just
for that and get killed, or she could simply get sick and die, or she could fall while walking
outside, hit her head really hard and die. You are trying to control your future, you are trying to
predict it and that is something we simply cannot do.”
“You say that, assuming that she feels for me what I feel for her, but she doesn’t. She could never,
not when I carved her skin with my own hands. I appreciate your advice, but I will not endanger
what Raven and I have by letting my feelings get in the way, I can’t.”
Abby nodded, saying nothing else. She could see the tension in the Commander’s body, she could
sense the tremble in her voice, she probably had pushed too far already and she didn’t want to
overstep any more than she already had. “I understand. Please know that my people will be at
your service to prepare everything you need for Raven’s birthday.”
“Thank you, Chancellor, I appreciate it,” the Commander said before walking away, leaving Abby
inside her office, wondering just how things would turn out in the future.
Lexa couldn’t stop thinking about the conversation. She couldn’t stop wondering what would
happen if she just told Raven how she felt. She couldn’t do that, Lexa thought angrily as she
pressed the heel of her hand against her right eye, hoping the pressure would alleviate the pain. She
couldn’t put Raven in that kind of danger and threaten what they had. Raven had already given her
so much, Raven gave her everything she needed and more. What was the point of voicing her
feelings? No, it was just too big of a risk. Abby’s insistence didn’t matter, Lexa would never
endanger their relationship by burdening the omega with her feelings, she wouldn’t. She would
give Raven everything she could under the pretense of friendship and that would be enough, it
already was enough, Lexa did not need anything else.
………………………………….
Raven laid down in bed, her face buried in Lexa’s pillow, breathing in as deeply as she could and
trying to get her fill of the Commander’s scent before it finally disappeared. It wouldn’t be too long
now. As heavenly as the Commander’s scent was, it tended to be very mellow and soft with how
much control the alpha exerted over her pheromones. It had only been a couple of days since Lexa
had left, and her scent was already starting to fade. Raven hated it and knew she would start having
trouble sleeping soon enough. She could do nothing but breathe in again, trying to make the most
out of the Commander’s scent while it still remained in her sheets. Raven closed her eyes, allowing
her mind to drift back to the last time she had had the alpha in her bed.
Raven knew she should let Lexa sleep, a couple of hours ago she’d told the alpha to do that exact
same thing, and had done her best to make it happen. She’d pumped out comforting pheromones
and gently massaged the alpha’s neck, brushing her thumb over her jaw and lulling her to sleep.
Knowing that the Commander needed to be sharp and ready to travel tomorrow, and wanting more
than anything for her to be safe. Safe from assassins, from raiders, from all the enemies she had
collected over the years.
Raven needed Lexa to be ready and at her best to fight, but after a few hours of just watching her
sleep, of watching her be so calm and so peaceful Raven realized that she didn’t know when she
would see that face again. She realized that after spending two days with the Commander she
would go back to feeling the way she had felt the last four months without her. She would be
longing to see her, wishing to talk to her, wanting to touch her, thinking of her, and realizing she
couldn’t do that would just be a punch to the gut. One punch would come after the other until
Raven’s chest would just be one big bruise.
She pressed herself closer to the Commander, burying her face against her neck and feeling the
alpha immediately react.
Raven heard a low hum leave the Commander’s mouth, her arms coming alive around Raven’s
body as she tilted her head down, her jaw leaning gently over Raven’s head. A string of mumbled
Trigedasleng left the Commander’s mouth. Raven didn’t understand a word of it, but she assumed
the Commander was asking if she was cold, because a moment later the alpha was reaching for
the blankets tangled around their knees and pulled them up until they were covering Raven’s
shoulders. The warmth radiating from her chest was the only thing Raven needed, but when Lexa
nuzzled her nose over the top of her head Raven couldn’t help but shiver in contentment. She felt
the Commander breathe in her scent, her lungs expanding, her ribs pushing against Raven’s as
they filled with air. A second later she stiffened, and Raven knew without a doubt that Lexa had
sensed the mayhem inside her head.
“Raven, what’s wrong?” Lexa asked, trying to incorporate herself.

“No, please, don’t get up,” Raven said, gently pressing a kiss to Lexa’s chest, right in the center of
it, feeling the hard bone underneath and knowing it was protecting her heart. “I just… I need to
tell you something.”
Raven pulled back just enough to look at Lexa, barely able to make out her face in the dim light
coming from the bathroom. At some point, Raven had left it on and had been too lazy to get up and
turn it off. Lexa had, of course, offered to do it plenty of times, but Raven just wouldn’t let her do it.
She knew it could be months before she saw the Commander again, before she could hold her the
way she was holding her now, and she didn’t want to let her go. She tightened her grip around the
alpha’s back and leaned in to press a chaste kiss to her lips. The last thing she needed was to have
Lexa get up to turn off the stupid light.
“What is it? Have I done something to upset you?”
“No, not at all, you've made me really happy. I just… there’s something I’ve been wanting to say
and I haven’t said it… I don’t know exactly why, but I want to tell you before you leave.”
“You don’t need to say anything if it makes you uncomfortable,” Lexa was quick to reassure her,
and Raven couldn’t help but feel impossibly endeared, seeing the concern in her green eyes. She
knew that Lexa could tell she was having a hard time expressing herself, and the fact that the
alpha cared so much about getting rid of whatever was making her uncomfortable was making
Raven’s heart stutter in her chest.
“No, no, I just… I really missed you,” Raven said at last, staring into Lexa’s eyes and feeling heat
creep up her cheeks. “And I will be missing you when you leave tomorrow.”
“Oh,” Lexa said, her face shifting from concerned, to shocked, to moved in just a couple of
seconds, before finally settling on one of the softest expressions Raven had ever seen on her face. A
very gentle and lopsided smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “I missed you as well. I’m sorry if
that has not truly come across when we have spoken. I know I am not very good at expressing my
feelings.”
“No, no, I know that you missed me, I know that’s what you meant each time you were saying you
were longing to see me. I just wanted to make sure you knew I felt the same way.”
“Thank you,” Lexa said very softly, leaning forwards to run the tip of her nose against the side of
Raven’s.
“Don’t thank me for this, just don’t,” Raven whispered, reciprocating the gesture and nuzzling her
nose very slowly against Lexa’s.
“I must, no one else misses me, Raven, no one has felt that way about me in almost four years now.
Knowing that someone is waiting for me to come back, that someone wants to see me… for me that
has no price,” Lexa said, her hand moving low on Raven’s back to pull her closer, her fingers
gently massaging the raised flesh that formed the omega’s thick scar.
Raven felt her body loosen at the sensation, the scar left by the surgery done to remove the bullet
was very sensitive and a constant reason for soreness. She wasn’t sure if the Commander
consciously moved her hands there to give her small massages, or if she did it without knowing.
But either way Raven secretly loved it. The Commander was very gentle and always put just
enough pressure for her touch to feel nice and relaxing. She couldn’t help but wonder if maybe
someday the alpha would be willing to give her a massage, knowing it would feel amazing, even if
the Commander didn't have much knowledge about how to do it.
Her mind halted suddenly when she breathed in and found traces of sadness and pain in the
Commander’s scent. It was muted and diluted by the alpha’s attempt to keep her emotions to
herself, but Raven could pick up on the Commander’s subtle displays of emotion by now. Familiar
enough with her scent, that any shift, as small as it was, gave her away. It made the omega wince,
the sensation, even while subdued and weak, burnt its way up her nose, her lungs aching with the
agony that latched onto their walls with every breath Raven took. The pain in her chest prompted
her to move closer to the alpha, seeking out some type of relief as the terrible weight of the
Commander’s words finally filtered in. No one else misses me… knowing that someone is waiting
for me… that has no price. Raven didn’t say anything, she could barely speak through the massive
knot in her throat, through the need to scream at Lexa and tell her she always missed her. Lexa
probably didn’t realize it but the mixture of her scent and the words she had spoken, were
incredibly painful to take in. And the most painful thing of all was that Raven had kept those words
to herself for so long, allowing Lexa to feel that way for no reason other than cowardice. Raven
wrapped her arms around Lexa’s strong and scarred back, pressing her face into her sweet
smelling neck, and placing soft kisses all over her throat.
“I know I’m not good at telling you how I feel, but I read something in a book that somewhat
explains it,” Lexa said, her brow furrowing as she seemingly searched for the right words.
Raven frowned, aching a little inside with how easy it was for Lexa to criticize herself and dismiss
it as if it was nothing. She wanted to point it out, she wanted to go against it, but at the same time,
she didn’t want to interrupt the Commander’s attempt to express herself. Raven held her tongue on
the matter, promising herself that she would remember to address the particular incident with
Lexa soon, before pulling back to let their eyes meet in the darkness.
“What did it say?” Raven asked curiously, her hand gently placed at the center of Lexa’s chest, as
the pads of her fingers traced the soft skin where her lips had been pressed only moments ago. She
wondered if her touch felt like a kiss, if it provided the same warmth and the same care, if it
carried the same softness and gentleness, she hoped it did.
“Just in case you ever foolishly forget... I am never not thinking of you,” Lexa said, her words
making warmth flood Raven’s body, an instant smile spreading across her face. “I am never not
missing you, Raven. Even when you are right next to me.”
“Not even when I am next to you?” Raven asked with a small frown, one that was instantly kissed
away by Lexa’s soft lips.
“There was a time when I did not have you. I remember how that felt vividly still, and that part of
me—the one that remembers how it feels to exist without you—will always be missing you.”
“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, her eyes on fire as she leaned in to press
a soft kiss to the Commander’s lips. Lexa received her warmly, her lips smooth and incredibly soft
as they locked with Raven’s. Her whole body angled towards the omega, pulling her closer to
herself and enveloping her in the warmth that radiated from her body.
“One day I will make you forget all of that,” Raven gasped against her lips, curling an arm under
the Commander’s neck to support her head and using her free hand to draw gentle caresses from
the middle of her chest up to the pulsing vein in her throat and over her jaw, before finally settling
her palm on her cheek. The skin felt soft and slightly heated with emotion. “One day you won’t
remember how it feels to be completely alone. I will make sure you forget, I promise.” The words
came out sounding earnest and strong, as Raven leaned back in to press her lips against the
Commander’s in a heated kiss. They kissed desperately for several moments until Lexa finally
pulled back for some air.
“I don’t want to forget, I can’t,” Lexa whispered, panting softly against Raven’s lips.
“What? Why?”
“You deserve all of my appreciation Raven, being alone for so long only makes me more
appreciative of what you have given me. I don’t want to forget how that felt, because that’s what
makes this so much more precious and beautiful to me.”
“Lex… but being on your own must have been so painful,” Raven said, a worried expression
stretching across her face as she brushed her thumb over the back of Lexa’s tiny ear.
“That pain is greatly overshadowed by the joy I feel when I am with you, Raven. It no longer
matters. I am just thankful to have you, that is all.”
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, leaning in to press her mouth hard against the
alpha’s, her hand tightening in Lexa’s soft hair as she tugged the alpha to lay on top of her.
“Are you sure you want to do this? You need rest,” Lexa asked hesitantly, her body hovering over
Raven’s, refusing to touch her just yet.
“What I need is for you to kiss me as many times as you can before you leave, I’m definitely gonna
be missing those lips of yours,” Raven said, smiling to try and hide the awful feeling in her throat
that came with being reminded of Lexa’s departure.
“Okay, you can tell me to stop at any time,” Lexa said, continuing to give Raven unnecessary
reassurances until the omega closed the gap between them, shutting her up with a kiss. They both
let themselves get lost in it, Raven feeling desperate and reaching for the Commander’s cock,
positioning it at her entrance and moaning as it slowly sunk inside of her, filling her up in the way
she had been aching for.
Since Lexa had said she would take Raven to see the ocean, the omega hadn’t been able to get it
out of her head, and now, with the way Lexa was moving her hips she couldn’t stop her mind from
drifting to the waves and how gentle they could be. Lexa’s elbows were pressed at the sides of
Raven’s head, her eyes so pretty and wide as they looked down into hers. The omega could see the
hesitation in her gaze, the worry in the small frown between her eyes.
“Please,” Lexa whispered, leaning down to brush her nose against Raven’s. “Let me make sure
you are ready first.” Raven knew the Commander was upset because she hadn’t been able to push
Raven over the edge with her mouth or her fingers before going in with her cock. Raven hadn’t
allowed it.
“No, I want to look at you,” Raven said with a smile, tracing the Commander’s side with her hand
then smoothing it up her shoulder and settling on the back of her neck, before pulling her down
gently so the alpha’s forehead rested against her own.
“But I am hurting you,” Lexa said, sounding so fucking concerned. Raven ached inside for her and
opened her legs a little bit wider. She was incredibly wet, dripping all over the sheets below them,
but Lexa was just so fucking big, barely able to fit all the length of her cock inside of her, and so
self-conscious about it too. Lexa always liked to make sure Raven was ready first, relaxed enough,
loose enough, wet enough. She liked to make sure she could stretch her a little with her fingers
first, and prepare her walls for the slight sting that would come from being filled with her cock.
She liked to make sure Raven would be wet enough first, kissing her between her thighs until a
flood came rushing from the omega’s insides. Raven knew all those things, knew that Lexa wanted
her to be comfortable and ready for her, but tonight she didn’t need it. She just needed the alpha’s
throbbing length inside of her, filling her up.
“You’re not hurting me, you feel so fucking good,” Raven whispered, rolling her hips and bringing
the alpha down for a soft and steamy kiss, massaging the back of her neck gently and letting their
lips stay pressed together for as long as she could. Yes, I’m going to miss your lips, Raven thought,
but I will miss everything else—your kindness, your selflessness and your lopsided smile—Lexa
shifted on top of her and Raven whimpered at the feeling of her slipping deeper inside.
“You don’t like it when I’m going this slow,” Lexa said then, her voice soft and so very quiet.
Raven knew Lexa wouldn’t dare to disrupt the gentle coming and going of her hips, not when she
was sure she would hurt the omega. I’m going to miss your voice, your breathy chuckles and the
tiny frown that comes with your confusion, Raven’s mind continued to drift, lost in the sound of her
voice.
“You are being perfect,” the omega whispered, caressing the alpha’s neck, running the tips of her
fingers over her collarbones, letting her thumb brush over the shell of her ear. “Just kiss me,
Lexa.”
“But-”
Raven didn’t let her finish, she just pulled her down for a kiss, calming the Commander’s worries
with her lips. She kept the kiss languid and slow, but still deep, parting her lips a little wider to
receive the Commander’s warm tongue with her own. Her taste flooded her mouth in seconds,
making Raven’s brows crease in pleasure, her inner walls clenching involuntarily around the
Commander’s thick shaft.
A quiet whimper tore out of the alpha’s throat in response, muffled by Raven’s lips but still making
goosebumps spread down the omega’s spine. The Commander started rolling her hips, the
movement still very slow and gentle, her pubic bone grinding hard against Raven’s clit with every
rotation and feeling so fucking good. The omega let a soft cry, her teeth leaving a stinging bite on
the Commander’s bottom lip in her attempt to quiet the sound. The tangy flavor of copper lingered
in the kisses that followed, Raven frowned to herself and ran her tongue over the Commander’s
bottom lip, doing what she could to calm the sting.
“I’m sorry,” Raven whispered, she hadn’t meant to hurt Lexa.
“It’s okay,” the alpha said, continuing her slow grind, adding just a little more pressure, and
rubbing harder and harder against Raven’s clit with each roll of her hips. “Are you okay?”
“Fuck, yes!” Raven breathed out with a bit of a chuckle. Lexa had moved to position herself just a
little bit higher than Raven, which allowed the omega to tilt her head up and bury her nose in
Lexa’s neck, exactly where her scent was the strongest. Shudders moved down Raven’s spine every
time she filled her lungs with the Commander’s scent, it was as mouthwatering and intoxicating as
always, forcing Raven to latch her lips onto the smooth patch of skin and gently suck. Her lips
stayed there in an open-mouthed kiss, her hands trailing down the Commander’s sides until her
fingers were tightening around her perfectly sculpted ass. The muscles were tight and strong,
clenching under Raven’s hands and forcing the alpha to pick up her pace. Raven’s good leg curled
around Lexa’s, her toes caressing her muscular calf with every movement. “Look at me, please,”
Raven begged breathlessly, watching as the Commander tilted down her chin so their eyes could
meet. Her green eyes were dark as they looked into Raven’s, her pupils blown wide with arousal as
she continued to pump her cock inside of her, stretching Raven so perfectly and filling her up in the
best way.
And still, somehow, Raven could see the care there, the concern, the worry. She could see things
that went above and beyond just lust, and wondered if the Commander could see the same in her
own eyes. Fuck, I’m going to miss your eyes, Raven thought, the way they are always grey and blue
in the early morning, and how you look at me when you know you have succeeded in making me
reach the highest of highs.
“Faster, please,” Raven managed to say between broken moans, the Commander’s ass seeming to
stutter in her hands as she found her rhythm. The gentle waves of pleasure from before started
gaining strength and speed, crashing against the omega with overwhelming power. Raven could
feel the Commander’s cock, so long and thick, pulsating inside of her as it dragged against her
sensitive walls. So swollen that it made the friction impossibly delicious, filling her up so
completely, and somehow managing to touch every sensitive spot at once.
Raven was going to drown, she knew it. Unholy sounds left her mouth in a never-ending song, her
eyes open wide and her mouth parted in pleasure as she stared into Lexa’s gaze and rolled her own
hips up to meet her thrust for thrust. The alpha’s eyes were fixated on her and Raven stared in awe
at the intense and focused expression on her face, her heart almost bursting from her chest. The
omega felt her climax building with every little shift of Lexa’s hips, heat rushing through her body
as her toes started to curl.
Raven gasped as the Commanders pubic bone continued to push and rub against her clit, and a
frenzied feeling started to build right behind the omega’s gut, it felt like hysteria, like madness. It
was so wild and intense that Raven couldn’t think about letting go, but the waves continued to
crash and Lexa’s hand lifted from the mattress and landed on her breast, kneading it with her
fingers until a nipple was caught between thumb and forefinger.
After that, the Commander pushed against her with a deep thrust, the hardest she had dared to
thrust so far. The pressure against Raven’s clit was suddenly overwhelming and before she knew it,
she was drowning.
Oh.
Yes.
The little death.
Raven felt her orgasm rip through her fiercely, her body spasming uncontrollably as her walls
clenched hard around the Commander’s cock, feeling as it rippled inside of her just before hot
spurts of cum splashed against her walls. To Raven it felt like euphoria in its purest form, raw and
intense as it rushed up to her head and down to her toes, leaving her legs completely numb.
Raven watched it happen all over the Commander’s face, the way her eyes, so focused on Raven
just a second before, seemed to close without her permission, the way she squeezed them shut. The
way her jaw tightened in an attempt to keep all sounds from breaking out of her mouth, only for
one quiet grunt to escape her lips, all quiet and low and breathy. And so fucking sexy that Raven
thought she would come again just from the breathtaking sound of it.
When it was finally over, the Commander opened her eyes slowly, seeming dazed up until the
moment they met Raven’s brown ones. Lexa lowered her head until her nose was gently nuzzling
the omega’s. Raven couldn’t help but smile at the gesture, closing the gap between them for a kiss,
her lips still stretching upwards while the Commander’s mouth pressed softly against her own.
“Are you okay?” Lexa asked once more, still held up by her elbows and knees. She looked down at
Raven with concern written all over her face, as her hand moved to cup the omega’s cheek and
brush her thumb over the heated skin. God, I’m going to miss your touch, Raven thought, your
gentleness and how I can feel the ghosts of it long after you have removed your hands from my
skin.
“I’m perfect,” Raven said with a reassuring smile, turning her head so she could land a kiss on
Lexa’s palm.
The alpha pulled out slow, making Raven let out a groan of distaste, she didn’t like feeling so
suddenly empty. She didn’t have to complain for long though, because within seconds the
Commander was wrapping her arms around her and pulling her close to her chest. Leaving Raven
nestled comfortably against her warmth.
“I still want to kiss you there,” Lexa whispered, her breath ghosting Raven’s forehead. “I want to
taste you one more time before I leave.”
“In a bit, I’m feeling a little too sensitive right now,” Raven exhaled, tracing Lexa’s breastbone
with her fingertips.
“Oh, we don’t have to. We don’t, I just want you to feel okay,” Lexa rushed to say, placing a soft
kiss on Raven’s damp forehead.
“Your mouth on me is gonna feel more than okay,” Raven said with a smile, tucking herself closer
to the Commander’s chest. “Just give me a little time to recover.”
“Okay,” Lexa said, letting her head lean against Raven’s. The omega smiled, feeling impossibly
warm inside and trying not to think about the alpha’s departure.
Yes, I’m going to miss it all. All of you.
Raven wasn’t wrong, and only a few days after the Commander’s departure she was in an awful
mood, snappy and cranky. Her friends understood, but they also wanted her to get out of that sort of
mood, which resulted in Raven spending most of her time on her own at the workshop, or
practicing with her bow. She didn’t want to make everyone handle her foul mood, but she also
didn’t know how to make it better. She only hoped that with the passing of the days she would get
used to not having the alpha around again and that her mood would get better. She could only hope.
………………………………
Raven walked into Abby’s office; the woman was sharing a very heated discussion with Marcus
over the radio. Raven did her best to mute it as she walked around the office, taking in all the
medical equipment Abby had lying around until the Doctor was done talking.
“Raven, hey, are you doing well?” the Doctor asked, standing and walking towards the omega,
placing a hand on her arm and squeezing gently.
“Yeah, Abby, I’m good. I was just wondering if I could ghost you for a bit every day, after I finish
my work I mean,” Raven said quickly, looking back at the Doctor with an awkward expression on
her face.
“Ghost me?” Abby said, arching a curious eyebrow.
“Yeah, you know, follow you around,” Raven said, making a weird motion with her hands. “I
promise I won’t get in the way and I won’t get annoying.”
“I don’t find you annoying Raven, I just don’t understand where this is coming from. You are very
passionate about your work, and now you are suddenly interested in medicine?”
“I know that if I want to help you keep making braces and stuff like that for the grounders that
need it, I need to know a bit more about medicine. I also want to be able to help Lexa if she needs
it. She tends to get hurt often, even sometimes during training, and when she believes it to be
minor, she just ignores it and pushes through it. I don’t plan on getting to your level or anything, I
just want to know a few things that would help me take care of her better,” Raven said quickly,
avoiding the Doctor’s eyes when she finished.
“Oh,” Abby said, the surprise evident in her voice. “I’m sure the Commander will appreciate that
very much.”
“Yeah?” Raven asked, hesitant and unsure.
“Of course, I’m very proud of you Raven,” Abby said, making Raven’s eyes snap up to meet hers.
“Why?”
“It takes a lot of bravery to allow yourself to care so much, to give so much of yourself to someone
else. I know the people you have loved the most have hurt you. I would expect you to close off
after that, after everything your mother did, after being betrayed by Finn, but here you are opening
your heart to someone as wide as you can. I have always known you to be an amazing woman, but
now I must add brave beyond comprehension to the list of words I use to describe you,” Abby said
with a smile, wrapping her arm around Raven’s shoulders and pulling her close to her side.
“I think it is all because of her, Abby,” Raven said softly, her head resting on the Doctor’s
shoulder. “My mom, Finn, they could have chosen not to hurt me, they could have made different
choices, they could have acted differently. But Lexa, the pain that I have felt because of her, it
came because of choices she had to make that she had no way of getting out of. And even while I
know that and while I have told her I understand, she still asks me to forgive her every time it
comes up, and I know she means it. I can see it in her eyes and I can feel it in the way she touches
the scars that are on my body because of Gustus framing me. Even if I have forgiven her, she
doesn’t seem to be able to let it go. I know she won’t hurt me, she wouldn’t make that choice, not
unless there was no other way, and that is so much more than anyone else has ever done for me.”
“Sounds like she cares a lot about you, too,” Abby said. Raven watched the doctor smile to herself,
the expression on her face was hard to figure out, but to the omega it looked like Abby was hiding
something.
“She traveled almost 4 days to spend my birthday with me, she cares alright,” Raven said with a
smile, pulling back to look at Abby with a small smile.
“4 days? Did Polis get further away without us noticing?” Abby said, looking confused. Raven
knew the confusion came from knowing that it usually took a day and a half, or two days at most to
reach Polis by horse
“No, but she was near the border with Azgeda before coming here, it would have been faster to get
to Polis directly.”
“Oh, I understand, that was very thoughtful of her. Did you have a good birthday?” Abby asked,
going back to her chair and sitting down.
“The best,” Raven said, “Can I ghost you then?”
“Of course, finish your work and come by, there are some documents I want you to read too,”
Abby said, doing something on her computer before offering Raven a flash drive. “I know you are
a fast reader, but try to go through these slowly. I want you to actually remember what it says
inside of those books.”
“Got it, thanks, Abby!” Raven said, taking the flash drive before walking away.
……………………………..
Weeks later Octavia came into Raven’s workshop with a somber face. Raven’s blood instantly
turned into ice.
“What is it? Is she okay?” Raven asked at once, her eyes moving desperately all over Octavia’s
face.
“One of her Nightbloods was murdered,” Octavia said and all the blood drained from Raven’s face.
She knew that for Lexa the loss must have been worse than death. “I don’t know if she got hurt
too, we only heard about the Nightblood,” Octavia added.
“That explains why she didn’t answer the radio last night,” Raven said. Lexa loved those kids as if
they were her own, she couldn’t even begin to imagine how she must have been feeling. “I need to
go to Polis.”
“That’s why I came to talk to you. Abby is going to pay her respects in person and will go to the
lightning of the pyre. Bellamy is already warming up the Rover and gathering the guards that will
go with them,” Octavia said and Raven nodded, walking out in a rush, turning around at the last
minute.
“Tell Abby not to leave without me!”
……………….
“The Heda gave us explicit orders to not let anyone into her quarters,” said a brute of a man who
stood guarding the Commander’s room.
Raven was deeply worried; she hadn’t been able to see Lexa before or during the funeral pyre. She
was only able to watch her from afar, as the alpha lit up the pyre herself, and stood by the heap of
rubble and ash long after the flames had died down. Raven had tried to get closer to her then, but
the Commander’s guard wouldn’t let her. So, she’d just watched helplessly as Lexa stared at the
ashes with an unreadable expression, her eyes glassy and lost.
“Okay, I understand,” Raven said and before the guards could react, she threw herself against the
doors and barreled inside the Commander’s quarters.
“Heda!” The guard said, almost pissing himself in fear. “The Skaikru omega refused to listen when
we told her not to come in.”
The Commander turned slowly from her place near the balcony, her eyes were stone as her lips
turned into a sneer, ordering the guards to leave her sight. She turned towards the balcony, walking
further inside until her hips were pressed against the railing, all the while ignoring Raven’s
presence.
The sight made Raven’s heart ache and she started doubting her decision, maybe the Heda did need
and want some time on her own.
“When I heard the news, I knew I had to come to see you,” Raven said as she approached the
Commander slowly, standing by her side and looking out at the soft glow of the city beneath them
against the darkening sky. She could feel the tension and grief lingering in the Commander’s scent,
barely contained and repressed as fully as possible by the alpha’s sheer will power. Noticing such a
show of self-control had Raven aching to hold the Commander, wanting to be the vessel for her
pain, the safe place where the alpha could just let go. “I know how much you love those kids,”
Raven tried again, in light of the Commander’s lack of response. “And I just wanted to be here for
you. Though, if you need to be on your own… I can understand that too.” The words were said
hesitantly, as Raven feared the Commander was going to throw her out of her room when she got
no response. The alpha was breathing heavily and hard, her jaw clenching hard enough to make a
vein on her temple pop. The omega moved her gaze down her profile, taking in her fisted hand, her
knuckles completely white.
Raven swallowed hard, unsure about how to proceed but knowing she needed to do something.
Slowly and very gently she allowed the back of her hand to brush against the Commander’s,
hesitating for a second before pulling back and repeating the motion one more time. She watched
for Lexa’s response, noting the fact that she didn’t pull away or flinch and taking it as a good sign.
Yet her hand remained tightly clenched, preventing Raven from holding it the way she longed to.
Raven continued to do the exact same thing, letting her warm skin press against the Commander’s
until the alpha’s hand was no longer shaking with tension.
Then, Raven gently wrapped her hand around the Commander’s closed fist, she caressed it gently,
her fingers running over tiny scars, her thumb tracing a long and thick one that ran over the back of
the alpha’s hand. She squeezed gently, she drew tiny circles, she held that hand as if it was the
most precious thing she had ever held, hearing the Commander’s breathing change, hearing it
become shaky and unsteady.
Raven looked up when the hand finally loosened, growing limp in her hold, allowing her to finally,
finally, intertwine her fingers with the Commander’s. Raven watched as the Commander’s tears
rolled slowly down her cheeks, leaving tracks of moondust over her skin and drops of starlight
dripping from her chin.
Raven let a few moments pass, her eyes on the side of the Commander’s face, her hand gently
clasped around the alpha’s, her thumb gently brushing the side of Lexa’s own. Lexa still refused to
look at her.
“Would you look at me, please?” Raven asked, her voice quiet and soft, not wanting to startle her.
The Heda didn’t respond and Raven sighed, tightening her hold around the Commander’s hand.
“Please, let me see you,” Raven insisted, the seconds dragging between them until the Commander
finally turned to look at her.
Her eyes were injected in black, bloodshot, as tiny blood vessels burst inside white of her eyes. Her
pupils were completely gray, lacking all color, having been sucked out by the pain and the sorrow
of her loss. Raven held her gaze as best as she could, tears of her own rolling down her cheeks at
the sight of the Commander’s agony.
“I’m here,” Raven whispered, cupping the side of the Commander’s face with her free hand and
taking a step closer. Then she repeated herself, “I’m here,” she said, the words coming out strong,
certain, unwavering.
Strong arms curled around her waist and before she knew it the Commander had buried her face
against her neck. Raven responded in kind, curling one arm around her Commander’s shoulders
and cupping the back of the alpha’s neck with the other. Her first instinct was to tell Lexa that
everything was okay, but how could she say that when a child had just been murdered?
“I’m here,” Raven whispered again after long moments of silence, her hand securely placed on the
back of the Commander’s neck, her fingers gentle as they caressed the sensitive skin. “I’m with
you.”
Raven felt wetness hit her skin, but besides that, the Commander didn’t make a sound.
“Why don’t we get a bit more comfortable? I promise I will stay for as long as you want.” Raven
said, and after a couple of seconds the Commander pulled away. Raven reached up and brushed
away the tears on the Commander’s cheeks with her thumbs. The Commander’s pretty green eyes
were sad and swollen and Raven promised herself that she would do everything she could to make
her smile again before she left.
The Mechanic reached for the Commander’s pauldron and took it off, then did the same with the
rest of her armor before asking the alpha to sit on the bed so she could unbraid her hair. Once
Raven was done, she took off her own coat and boots, she sat down with her back against the head
of the bed and prompted the Commander to sit between her legs.
The Commander seemed slightly hesitant at first, as she was usually the one to hold Raven. The
omega grabbed her hand and pulled her closer, insisting until the Commander was sitting between
her legs. She then pulled the furs up to their chests and curled her arms gently around the
Commander’s middle.
After a few minutes the Commander fully relaxed, leaning her head back against Raven’s shoulder
and turning her head to the side so her forehead could press against the omega’s jaw. Raven
noticed the gesture and pressed a gentle kiss on the Commander’s forehead.
“Hurts,” Lexa whispered, her voice breaking and Raven’s heart breaking along with it. Raven felt
like there was no good answer to that, like whatever she said would be meaningless and that the
only thing she could do was stay there and remind the Commander that she didn’t have to go
through it on her own.
Raven pressed her lips to the Commander’s forehead once again, moving a hand up so she could
caress the alpha’s hair. She wanted to make sure the Commander didn’t feel alone, that she felt
safe and that she knew she could be herself and feel what she was feeling with no fear of judgment.
“She was mine; they are all mine, they are not supposed to die before me,” Lexa said and Raven
tightened her arms around her. “I failed her.”
“You know you can’t save everyone. You did your best and I am sure she doesn’t blame you for
any of it.” Raven said, knowing well that her words would not lessen the Commander’s pain. Still,
she had to make sure the Commander knew it wasn’t her fault.
“You being here… I… Thank you,” the Commander said, seeming at a loss for words.
“Don’t thank me, you don’t have to be in pain on your own, ever again,” Raven whispered and the
Commander just couldn’t help herself. She cuddled deeper into Raven’s chest.
“Thank you,” She said again and Raven sighed, caressing the Commander’s head with her hand as
she pumped out comforting pheromones, in hopes they would soothe the alpha in her arms.
Chapter 12
Chapter Notes
Hello, surprised to see me so soon? With a chapter that has 29 pages and after only
five days since my last update... I've been in a pretty great mood this last couple of
days, so I have been writting instead of doing my job. Shhh, don't tell my boss.
You guys have been so wonderful in the comment section too, it's amazing. Thank you
so much!! I hope to see you all in the comment section again. Let me know what you
think about this chapter.
The song lyrics are from West, a song by Sleeping at Last. And the first two sections
of this chapter were edited by Inspireme87 (she has some amazing Lexaven fics, go
check it out!), after that, you have to deal with my mess :D
Thanks for being so great and kind in the comments guys, its doing wonders to my
motivation. Really hope you like this chapter too.
Thank you for reading!!
A blood-curdling scream woke Raven up in the middle of the night. She turned to the side and saw
the Commander’s forehead pearled with sweat, her face twisted with agony as she struggled on the
bed. Her chest was heaving up and down rapidly as she tried to breathe, and Raven felt herself start
to panic.
“Lexa! Lexa, it’s okay! Lexa, wake up!” Raven tried her best to shake the alpha awake, but her
efforts were futile. The Commander woke up agonizing minutes later, dragged out of her
nightmares by one of her own screams.
“Raven…” The Commander said, breathless, her face soaked with sweat and tears as she wrapped
her arms desperately around the omega. “They had… your throat… so much blood… and I
couldn’t… and you were just… gone…”
“Shhh, shhh, it’s okay, I’m fine. I am right here with you,” Raven said, realizing exactly what the
Commander had dreamed of. In the Commander’s eyes, Raven could see the remnants of her
dreams, continuing to haunt her in her waking moments. Raven pulled away slightly, cupping the
Commander’s cheeks in her hands and looking into her green eyes with her brown ones, letting the
alpha see her and know that she was there. “Nothing happened to me. I am safe, see?”
Lexa nodded quickly, still overwhelmed with panic, her hand coming up, shaking like a leaf, to
brush a loose strand of hair behind Raven’s ear. The hand moved a little lower, tracing Raven’s
neck, looking for the wound that had taken the omega away from her in her dream.
“I will go for a cloth and some water to help you clean up a bit, okay?” Raven asked, but Lexa
shook her head.
“I’d prefer if you stayed close for a moment longer,” Lexa said, and how could Raven refuse the
alpha when she was so broken and vulnerable like this.
“Would it be okay if I called Lana inside to get them for us?” Raven asked, feeling the need to still
help and wipe away the alpha’s distress, grateful when Lexa nodded in agreement.
The omega called in the handmaiden, asking her for some water and a soft cloth, as well as a fresh
shirt. Soon the items were delivered to her in the bed, and Raven turned her body so she was face to
face with the Commander, asking her to take off her sweat-soaked shirt. Raven drenched the cloth
in the cool water, wringing out the excess before very carefully and gently running the cloth over
the Commander’s forehead, collarbones, and chest. Then slipping the cloth up to caress the back of
her neck before smoothing down her spine to finally reach her lower back.
“Feel good?” Raven asked as she lifted the cloth from the Commander’s lower back to her chest,
running it over the soft skin between the Commander’s breasts. It was then that she noticed for the
first time something that hadn’t been there before. It was a tattoo of the sun. The same design that
Lexa had carved onto the bracelet she gave her all those months ago. It rested above the
Commander’s breasts, in the center of her chest, a few inches below the hollow of her throat.
Raven had seen all of the Commander’s tattoos, and it was definitely a new one that the omega
loved and couldn’t help but wonder about the significance of. It was gorgeous and delicate, the
lines thin and soft, forever etched on the Commander’s skin. She was dying to touch it, to ask
about it, but she knew it probably wasn’t the right time.
“Yes,” Lexa said, seeming much calmer now.
Raven looked up at her with a small smile, offering the Commander the fresh shirt, and relieved
that her actions had helped. Once Lexa had put it on, they decided to try and sleep again, laying
down on their sides so they could face each other.
“You’ve never mentioned having these kinds of dreams about me,” Raven said, reaching for the
Commander's hand and entwining it with her own, wanting to offer the alpha comfort from her
nightmares as she had done for her. Raven’s dreams about Lexa dying had been terrifying and
haunting, and she was still sometimes plagued by them. Especially during their recent months of
separation, when the Commander had been traveling between the clans and in constant danger.
After seeing the alpha on the brink of death so many times, Raven knew she was well within her
right to have those dreams. Lexa knew about Raven’s nightmares, they talked about them
sometimes and Raven had woken the alpha up in the middle of the night on more than one
occasion. But only when the dreams were so bad that she couldn’t go back to sleep without hearing
the alpha’s voice.
“Knowing I am the subject of your nightmares is not pleasant,” Lexa said, stroking the back of
Raven’s hand and interrupting her thoughts. “I did not think it would do you any good to know that
you have been the subject of mine.”
Raven frowned.
“You are always there when I have a nightmare. I reach out through the radio and you are there to
make me feel better. But you never mentioned yours. Why? Who helped you?” Raven asked and
she knew she had her answer with the Commander’s silence. “Lexa…” Raven exhaled, unable to
hide how upset she felt at the alpha keeping this from her. She shouldn’t have to deal with things
like this on her own, not anymore.
“My dreams are not bad, I can manage on my own,” the Commander replied stiffly.
“Not bad? Are you kidding me? You were screaming, sobbing, and basically hyperventilating!”
Raven said, quickly getting angry.
“Raven, you already do so much for me. I did not want to add to it, not with the nightmares. I can
manage on my own, I promise.”
“That’s the thing,” Raven said, feeling increasingly frustrated. “You don’t have to manage on your
own. You’re not on your own anymore!”
“I know,” Lexa said, gripping the omega’s hand as she tried to pull away, gently holding it with her
own. “I do not know why you care about me. I do not believe I deserve it, but I will never stop
being thankful for it.”
“Stop that,” Raven said adamantly. “You are good Lexa. You’re just someone who’s been put in
very difficult situations, and I know you have only done what’s best. You have a good heart. I
know it.”
“I don’t know if I can believe that, but knowing that you think so gives me peace. Did you really
mean it? When you said you would stay for as long as I wanted?” The Commander asked, looking
at Raven with hopeful green eyes.
“Of course I meant it. You know I can’t stay forever but I was thinking maybe I could stay until
your birthday? I was going to come to visit anyway,” Raven said, smiling when she saw the
Commander’s eyes widen with disbelief.
“But my birthday isn’t for another two weeks. I was only meaning to ask you to stay for a couple of
days,” Lexa said and Raven nodded with a smile.
“So, what you’re saying is that you want me to leave in a couple of days?” Raven asked, teasingly.
She couldn’t help but chuckle a little when the Commander’s eyes got even wider and she rushed
to deny.
“No! No. Two weeks is good. It’s so much more than I had ever hoped for,” Lexa said, tugging
Raven’s hand and pulling her into her chest. Her arms curled around the omega’s back as she
pressed soft kisses to the top of her head. It made Raven’s heart flutter and her skin break out in
goosebumps.
“I was thinking maybe I could come to visit more often,” Raven mentioned, remembering the
conversation she had had with Octavia.
Lexa pulled away and Raven tilted her head up to look at her. The Commander was truly surprised
and she wasn’t even trying to hide it.
“You would come here just to see me?” Lexa asked, disbelief coloring her tone as confusion
clouded her gaze.
“Yeah, if that’s okay? I wouldn’t want to cause you trouble with the chiefs, or your advisors or
Titus,” Raven said, feeling slightly worried. She knew exactly how Titus felt about the
Commander caring for someone, loving someone like Raven knew Lexa loved her.
“Worry not. Let me deal with Titus, you are welcome to come here as often as you’d like. Polis is
my city, and so, it is yours,” Lexa said and Raven nodded. “Thank you, Raven. I did not know I
could feel so light at a time like this. It should be no surprise; my heart is always light when you
are around.”
Warmth rolled in Raven’s gut. It surprised her how someone so hardened, and at the same time,
broken by war could speak so gently, so poetically. Raven cupped Lexa’s jaw with the palm of her
hand, feeling its sharpness against her skin.
“My heart is always light when you are around, too.”
“Yes?” Lexa asked, unsure. “I thought that could never be, not after Finn.”
“Back then I didn’t know how fragile your position as Heda was. I thought that you could do
whatever you wanted and that there wouldn’t be consequences. I didn’t know that your
ambassadors could vote for your execution, or that you could be revoked from power if you were
found to be weak. I know you are kind, and that you are merciful and do not thirst for blood. I
know you couldn’t spare him. Back then I was too hurt and needed someone to blame, yet I am
aware that you wouldn’t have had to make a decision over his life if he hadn’t put himself in that
position. I know it wasn’t even a decision on your part, that he signed his death sentence the
moment he pulled that trigger. It wasn’t even self-defense,” Raven said, her tone steady and matter
of fact. Finn’s death would always hurt, but Raven was smart, and the more she learned about
grounder culture the more she understood Lexa’s decisions.
“I had you tied to a tree. I cut into you with my own hands,” Lexa said, her voice and gaze so
broken that it made Raven’s own heart ache.
“And you killed the man that put me in that position, a man I know you loved,” Raven said, the
words she’d said before flowing easily from her mouth. She would repeat them as many times as
the Commander needed to hear them. “You thought I was trying to kill you. All the evidence you
had pointed to that fact, and you acted accordingly. “You have to know by now that I don’t blame
you for that.”
“I am sorry, Raven, but thinking about the way my blade touched your skin…” Lexa was left at a
loss of words, Raven could almost see her choking with them.
“I know, I know,” Raven said, leaning her forehead against the Commander’s and letting their
noses brush together. “Please, do not torture yourself with that. I forgive you and you have made
up for it in full. No one treats me the way you do.”
“You deserve everything, Raven,” Lexa whispered, moving her hand down Raven’s back so it
could settle low on the Mechanic’s waist. “I am sure the stars only exist so they can be admired by
your eyes. So their light might reflect on your smile, and you may honor them by trusting them
with your wishes.”
Raven’s heart beat rapidly against her ribs at hearing the alpha speak such breathtaking words.
Butterflies fluttered wildly in her stomach, feelings unknown to her flooded her veins and rushed
up to her brain, leaving her feeling dizzy and warm.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, tilting her head back just enough so she could see
Lexa’s green eyes shining brightly under the moonlight.
“I only speak true,” Lexa said, her voice serious and steady, leaving no room for discussion.
“I know, and it only makes me want to kiss you,” Raven said, not waiting for an answer as she
buried her fingers in the soft curls at the back of Lexa’s neck, pulling her close and letting her
warm mouth envelop the Commander’s lower lip. Lexa responded in kind, kissing Raven back
gently, slowly, allowing the omega to dictate the pace of the kiss, and surrendering to her lips.
They pulled away long moments later, breathless and with swollen lips.
“I did not know I could feel joyous and sad at the same time. It is the most bizarre feeling.” Lexa
said, holding Raven close, feeling her chest press against her own every time she breathed. “Pain is
more bearable with you. Before, I felt ashamed for feeling it because I thought it made me weak,
but you help me manage it, Raven. You are my light, my star, my sun. Heda must always be
hopeful for her people, but you give me hope, you remind me I exist. With you, I am not only their
vessel, their armor, their protector... With you I am also me, I am someone. ”
“Lex...” Raven said, moved to her very core, pressing herself as close to the alpha as she could, not
really understanding why they were two instead of one. “You have always been you, now you just
have someone to share it with.”
“It is the most wonderful thing in the world,” Lexa said.
Raven smiled, that wide, bright smile of hers. Lexa could barely breathe.
“You can always be you with me,” Raven said and Lexa nodded, bringing the omega closer as she
rolled onto her back, letting Raven’s head rest against her chest. “Do you think you can sleep
now?” Raven asked. “I know you are going to have a hard day tomorrow.”
“Yes. Thank you, Raven,” the Commander said, pulling the furs up so they covered her chest and
the omega’s shoulders.
“Don’t thank me, just sleep,” Raven said as she moved her hand down to the Commander’s
abdomen and slipped it under her shirt, caressing the soft, but scarred skin there. She knew the
alpha loved it, and to Raven nothing felt better than seeing the worry lines on the Commander’s
face disappear, nothing felt better than to watch her muscles loosen and the tension drain from her
shoulders. To Raven, there were very few things that felt as good at sensing the change in the
Commander scent, barely noticeable, but still there. Letting her know that she had an effect on the
alpha. It made her inner omega sing.
Lexa let out a contented sigh, leaning her head against Raven’s before closing her eyes. Raven took
a deep breath, filling her lungs with the Commander’s scent. The sheer agony and fear from before
were almost completely gone, replaced by something much sweeter and warm, something safe.
Raven smiled to herself and moved her hand further up, pressing her fingers flat over the tattoo.
Lexa was inches away from sleep, her breathing already slow and steady.
“This is new, what does it mean?” Raven asked quietly, needing to know the answer. All of Lexa’s
tattoos meant something, although Raven had never dared to ask, not wanting to pry and push the
alpha to reveal too much. Still, she knew the Commander would never just put something random
on her body, and the fact that the tattoo was the same design as the one on Raven’s bracelet, left
her feeling more curious than normal.
Longs seconds of silence passed between them with no response, leading Raven to believe the
Commander had fallen asleep. She sighed in resignation, knowing she would have to get the
answer some other time.
But then…
“You, Raven,” the Commander mumbled, more asleep than awake as she pulled the omega closer
to her body, “you, my sun.”
The alpha’s body went completely limp then, her lips brushing Raven’s forehead as the omega laid
there wide-eyed and completely shocked. Her heart racing in her chest as she buried herself deeper
in the Commander’s embrace, and tried not to think about what it all meant.
……………………
The next morning, Raven woke up before the Commander. She couldn’t help it; she was too
excited and she was dying to ask about the tattoo. She had barely been able to sleep after the
Commander had told her that she had gotten it for her. So Raven stayed where she was, her head
resting on the Commander’s shoulder as she traced the sun tattoo with her fingertips, entranced by
the sight of Lexa’s chest moving up and down with every breath she took.
“It’s early, sleep,” the Commander mumbled and Raven knew that her freaky internal grounder
clock was telling her that the sun wasn’t quite up yet.
“I can’t sleep, I’m really curious about something,” Raven whispered, leaning in to pepper kisses
all over the Commander’s jaw. She watched the alpha unconsciously smile, her head lolling gently
to the side so Raven’s next few kisses landed on her mouth instead.
“What is it?” the Commander asked, still not opening her eyes, her hands coming alive to bring
Raven a little bit closer, nuzzling her nose against her forehead. The omega could see she was still
quite sleepy and not fully awake and she almost felt guilty about waking her up.
“There is a sun tattooed on your chest,” Raven stated.
“Yes, there is,” the Commander said and Raven huffed in exasperation. The sound seemed to make
the Commander smile, her lips stretching up on the sides as she cracked one eye open.
“I’m glad my frustration is amusing you,” Raven said, her tone teasing and playful as she leaned in
to bop the Commander’s nose with her own.
“Your frustration is not amusing to me, Raven,” the Commander said, the smile on her face
contradicting her statement. “I just don’t see where is it coming from.”
“Well, I wanna know more about the tattoo, would you just tell me about it?” Raven asked,
looking down at the Commander with her big brown eyes and a pout on her lips.
“I already told you, the tattoo is for you, you are my sun, my light, the only source of warmth in my
life. I don’t know how else to explain it,” Lexa said, lifting her hand to push some loose strands of
brunette hair behind Raven’s ear. The omega’s smile widened, her body aching inside in the most
perfect way. She watched the Commander react to it, to the sight of her joy, how her eyes widened
just slightly, how her lips couldn’t help but mirror the gesture. Leaving Raven to stare at a small
smile of her own.
“Why on your chest though?” Raven asked, her fingers tracing the ink with gentleness.
“It’s hard to explain. I don’t know if you remember, but the night before I left Arkadia you pressed
a kiss right there, where the tattoo is. I don’t know how to put it into words but I felt like I was
injected with joy, light, warmth… It felt like… like… you kissed my heart,” Lexa whispered,
visibly struggling to find the right words. Her eyes were frozen on Raven’s face, but there was a
tiny frown between her brows and her lips were pursed in concentration. “I’m sorry, I don’t know
how to explain,” the Commander said, shyly looking away, her scent tinged with anxiety and
frustration. Raven’s eyes watered in response to her words and a spike of guilt in the Commander’s
scent filtered in between them. “Forgive me, please,” the alpha rushed to say, catching Raven’s
tears with her thumbs. “I didn’t mean to say something wrong, I’m sorry, please.” The guilt and
regret in the air increased, getting more potent and burning Raven’s nose. The omega could not
allow it to get worse, so she leaned down and kissed Lexa hard on the lips.
Raven sighed in content upon contact alone, the Commander’s taste bursting in her mouth as
Raven gently swiped the tip of her tongue against the alpha’s own. She stayed still for just a
moment, allowing herself to breathe in before tilting her head to the side and opening her mouth a
little wider to deepen the kiss. Lexa was gentle as she sucked on her bottom lip, her fingers burying
in Raven’s soft hair to keep her as close as possible before moving a little lower to knead at the
back of her neck. Raven hummed in pleasure at the contact, her eyelids fluttering as tingles rushed
down to her toes.
“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven murmured against her lips, her smile wet with happy
tears as she locked her mouth with the alpha’s once more.
“Are these happy tears?” Lexa asked, pulling back to take in a few gulps of air, her lips red and
swollen.
“Yes, Lex,” Raven said, smiling just a bit harder, knowing that the alpha needed the reassurance to
finally get rid of the concern that was still lurking in the back of her eyes. “Extremely happy tears.”
“May I kiss you, then?” She asked, a smile hiding in the corner of her lips. The alpha was still
hesitant at times, still careful when initiating contact. Clarke’s voice in her head had gotten quiet,
but it seemed to come back at times. Raven wondered if that would ever go away.
“Please, kiss away,” Raven said, letting out a small yelp when the Commander rolled them over,
covering Raven with her body before leaning down for a kiss.
Raven felt like fireworks were going off inside her head, the Commander’s words running laps all
over her brain. And her hand, it drifted slowly but surely to settle over the sun that rested over
Lexa’s heart.
……………………
Raven woke up sobbing, hard . The experience could only be compared to Finn’s death, or to the
dreams she had had about losing Lexa. But that night it was different, her dreams had not been
plagued by the Commander’s severed head rolling on the floor and hitting her knees. No, it was
someone else, her mother .
The Commander was by her side, an arm having curled around Raven’s shoulders when she had sat
up on the bed. Still sobbing, still barely able to breathe. The alpha said nothing, she just cupped the
side of Raven’s face and pressed it gently against her chest, the omega immediately buried her face
in the Commander’s neck, trying to breathe in, willing for the alpha’s soothing scent to flush the
pain in her insides.
Raven knew Lexa was making her pheromones as potent and as comforting as she possibly could,
her arms were wrapped tightly around Raven’s body, successfully trapping her against the alpha’s
chest. Raven thought it would feel suffocating, but somehow it didn’t, she felt liberated, and
instead of trying to contain her sobs she only cried even harder, feeling that Lexa’s arms around her
gave her the safety she needed to let it all out.
Lexa felt her own eyes start to water, her hands kneading and massaging Raven’s back with gentle
circles. She didn't say anything, but Raven could feel her warmth seeping through her shirt and
pressing against Raven’s chest, she could hear the furious beat of her heart, concerned and aching.
Raven could feel it, Lexa’s pain, an echo of her own.
“ Ray , please,” Lexa whispered, and Raven sucked in a sharp breath, shivering in the
Commander’s arms. The alpha had never called her that, and Raven could sense the tiny difference
in pronunciation. Not Rae, like her friends called her, but Ray, a reference to light, to sunlight .
“Tell me how to make it better, I’ll do anything, I promise. Just tell me.”
Raven pulled back just enough to look up at Lexa, her hand, pressed flush against the
Commander’s chest, trailed up her collarbone, caressed the side of her throat and finally curled at
the back of her neck. Her eyes were still wet as she locked them with the Commander’s.
“Call me that again,” Raven said, her voice hoarse and raw from crying. She watched the
Commander’s face change from concerned to confused, the familiar tiny frown between her brows
forming quickly.
“What?” the Commander asked, looking all over Raven’s face. A moment later, she seemed to
understand what the omega meant, Raven could see the realization fall over her face in the way her
eyebrows twitched and how her jaw moved from side to side. Her hold over Raven loosened just
slightly and she leaned back, Raven knew she was trying to put a little space between them.
“Forgive me, it was not my intention. I did not mean to offend you.”
“You didn’t, that’s why I asked you to call me that again, because I loved hearing it.”
“You are sure?” the Commander asked, unsure.
“Yes, it was not an insult,” Raven said, watching as the Commander visibly swallowed.
“Ray,” Lexa whispered softly, cupping Raven’s cheek and catching her tears with her thumb. “Tell
me how to help you, please.”
“No, I’m sorry, you are having a hard time as it is and you really don’t need me like this. I came
here to support you, not to dump my shit on you. Just forget it and let’s go back to sleep, I’m going
to be fine,” Raven said, pushing at Lexa’s chest so the alpha would lay back against the mattress.
Except Lexa didn’t move an inch, she wrapped her hand around the one Raven had pressed against
her chest and held it gently in her own.
“I don’t know what I did to make you think that I don’t need you in some way and that my
problems are more relevant than yours. I am truly sorry and I hope you can forgive me,” Lexa said,
bringing Raven’s hand to her lips and pressing soft kisses over her knuckles. “Let me support you,
please. We can support each other,” Lexa whispered, green eyes big and light, earnest, as her breath
washed over the back of Raven’s hand.
“No, no, you didn’t make me feel that way. It wasn’t anything you did; I just don’t think it’s the
right time to talk about this. You are grieving, you don’t need to have my issues to deal with too.”
“If you are going to wait for things to go well in my life before you tell me…” Lexa said, trailing
off. Raven understood perfectly and sighed, leaning in to place a soft kiss on the Commander’s
cheek.
“I had a nightmare about my mother, not sure why, it's been some time since I last dreamt of her,”
Raven said, feeling her bottom lip wobble slightly at the memory of the dream and feeling quite
stupid about it.
“You have told me very few things about her, she was not good to you, left you to starve,” Lexa
said, an undertone of anger filtering in her voice and her scent. She was trying to hide it, Raven
could tell, but Lexa couldn’t keep her from noticing.
“Yes, I dreamt of her death tonight, of the night that I found her.”
“You found her body?” Lexa asked quietly, hesitatingly.
“Yes, she got too drunk, passed out and vomited at some point, she suffocated. I found her lying on
her own puke, her lips blue. It was rather pathetic,” Raven said, a cynical smile on her face. “She
died doing what she loved, nursing a bottle.”
“It must have been really painful to find her like that,” Lexa whispered, Raven could see the fear in
her eyes. The alpha was probably terrified of saying the wrong thing and that worry alone meant
the world to Raven.
“I really don’t want to sound like a monster but… I think that living with her was much harder than
losing her. She had always been an alcoholic, growing up I never had her, never . There wasn’t this
moment where she went from being a good mom to being a neglectful one, she just was like that
always,” Raven said, not bothering with wiping her tears away. She didn’t have to; Lexa’s hand
was still pressed against her cheek and all her tears were removed by a gentle swipe of her thumb.
“I was a child, I wanted her to love me as I loved her, so I became the best I could be, the best at
everything I did. I hoped that if she saw how good I was she would start loving me more than she
loved the alcohol and the drugs, but it never happened and I just kept doing it…” Raven said, the
mix of a sob and a chuckle coming out of her mouth. Raven watched Lexa’s face contort with pain,
the alpha leaning forward slowly to nuzzle her nose against Raven’s, pressing soft kisses all over
the side of her face before pulling the omega into her chest once more.
Raven chuckled again, tears still streaming down her cheeks as she gripped the Commander’s shirt
tight in her fist. She no longer knew what she was crying about, it could be her nightmare still, or it
could be the sensation of being safe and cared for in someone’s arms. In Lexa’s arms. The alpha
had started humming a pretty song, the one she had made up as a kid to keep herself safe in her
loneliness. It was soothing and so very soft, making Raven’s body loosen against Lexa’s.
“I never stopped loving her, not when she starved me, not when she screamed at me or hit me
because I was being too loud, or because I was in the way, or because my school stuff was all over
the place… or because I was too excited. Sometimes she would scream at me so loud, she would
tell me to stop acting like I was better than her, like I was smarter… but I was just trying to help
her… I was just trying to make her stop. And it didn’t matter how many times she would fuck me
over… I still loved her, and I would still try to be the best just so she would see me…” Raven
trailed off, pulling back just enough to look at Lexa in the eyes. In them, there was a storm
brewing, sadness, pain and anger, emotions that intertwined and swirled in her green eyes. Eyes
that leaked salt on Raven’s behalf, leaving tear tracks shining on her cheeks. “And Finn… I got
myself thrown down here for him, I broke laws, I could have gotten killed… All of that just so he
could cheat on me… And after that, I just stayed there, by his side, even though he made it clear
that he didn’t want me. They fucked me over and I just kept loving them. And then… then there’s
you-”
“Raven, please, I know I hurt you…” Lexa tried to say, her tears coming faster. Raven could see it
in her face. How she saw herself as another person that had fucked Raven over.
“No, you don’t get it-”
“I know what I did, and it’s unforgivable, I understand- Just- Just- I don’t want you to be here if
I’m just another person that hurt you. I know you care about me, but you shouldn’t, not after
everything, not after I-” Lexa was interrupted by a warm mouth against her own. Raven’s tongue
traced her bottom lip before she deepened the kiss. Humming contently against Lexa’s mouth as
she held onto the back of the alpha’s neck, kissing her until their lips were swollen and bruised.
“Would you just let me finish?” Raven whispered against the Commander’s mouth, pressing
another kiss to her lips before the Commander could respond.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have interrupted, I’m so-” Lexa said, forcing Raven to cut her off with a
kiss once more.
“You see me, Lexa. You see me. Everything I did, for my mother, for Finn, all of it… just so they
would love me, so they would look at me. And with you… I barely do anything and you look at
me like this…” Raven said, smiling softly as she felt the Commander’s cheeks get considerably
warm under her hands. Raven only wished that the lights of the candles around them would be
enough to see her blush. “What do I do for you? What have I ever done to get you to notice me?
Nothing, absolutely nothing. We just talk, and well we have sex too, but mostly we just talk… and
that’s enough for you to look at me like this. Fuck, you don’t even understand half the stuff I talk
to you about. You don’t even know what I do back in Arkadia. Me being the best fucking
Mechanic, me being at the top of my class, all my qualifications and my achievements… they
don’t mean shit to you.”
“Raven, I am very proud of you, I-”
Raven kissed her harder still, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s neck and burying her fingers in the
tiny hairs at her nape, massaging the skin gently as she ran her tongue over the Commander’s,
nipping at her bottom lip before giving it a strong suck.
“Lex, you don’t understand what the fuck any of it means, and that’s okay, I’m not saying this to
make you feel bad,” Raven said with a tearful smile, running her thumb over one of Lexa’s
perfectly sculpted cheekbones. “You have a fucking sun tattooed over your chest, you traveled for
days after dealing with raids and attacks just to be with me on the day of my birthday, you make
sure I have all the proper clothes to withstand the weather, you stay up late hearing me talk about
things you don’t understand and when we sleep together and you feel me move your first reaction
is to make sure I’m properly covered so I’m not cold… I did so much for them, I did so much just
so they would notice me, and with you… I have done nothing in comparison and you look at me
this way, you see me.”
“Please, stop saying that. You do everything for me, you-”
“See? That’s exactly what I mean,” Raven said, cupping Lexa’s cheeks and looking intensely into
her eyes.
“Raven, you saved my life. If you hadn’t come for me, appendicitis and all the complications that
came with it would have killed me,” Lexa said, Raven smiled at her and leaned in to press a kiss
against the Commander’s cheek.
“What’s your excuse for before, then? You didn’t start looking at me like this after I saved your
life, Lexa. Maybe after that it got stronger, we became friends and we naturally came to know each
other better, but you already looked at me like this, and that’s not a bad thing. I just… it’s so funny
that I tried so hard only for them to decide to hurt me. And with you, I barely have to try at all and
you care so much…”
“I don’t understand how could they not see you, how could they not care about you the way I do,
Raven. I do not understand,” Lexa said, looking so lost and so confused that it made Raven’s own
chest ache.
“I spent my whole life thinking that I was not enough, that I was not doing enough, that I needed to
be more. That I needed to be better, but having you in my life is making me see that maybe the
problem wasn’t me… I was always bragging, showing off, I wanted everyone to see that I was the
best, I wanted them to love me and they fucked me over no matter what I did, or how good I was…
but now there’s you… and I find myself having to do nothing, having to be nothing other than
myself for you to care so much. I was always doing my best for people to see me, for people to
love me for it, now I can just do it for myself,” Raven said with a smile, leaning forwards to rest
her forehead against Lexa’s.
“I think doing your best is the essence of who you are. Yes, maybe before you did it for the wrong
reasons, you did it for other people. But I don’t think you would know how to do anything less.
And I know that because I see it in your eyes, the fire that burns inside of you, the passion you feel
towards the things you love and how fierce you are when it comes to protecting those you care
about… The problem with your mother and Finn wasn’t that you were doing your best… the
problem was that you did it and they took it for granted, to them it didn’t mean much because they
gave more value to other things. The difference with me is not that you are doing less for me and I
still see it. The difference is that you are doing everything for me, you are doing your best, and I
am giving it the value it deserves, and you are so unused to that that you think you are doing less,
but please, believe me when I tell you that that’s not the case,” Lexa said, honest and true. Her eyes
were intense, ardent as they looked into Raven’s own. “You need to know that hurting you would
be my last choice, that choosing to do that would rip me apart, and that I will always do my best to
appreciate and value you. And not only for the things you do for me, but also for the things you
are, for those are the most precious.”
“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, nestling herself against Lexa’s chest and
pressing soft kisses over her sun tattoo, she trailed up her neck until she reached the Commander’s
mouth, pressing her lips against hers in a soft kiss, chaste and sweet.
“I could never lie to you and I want you to know that all your accomplishments fill me with pride
even though I can’t quite understand them,” Lexa said seriously, her hands firm but gentle on
Raven’s back.
“I know, believe me, I do,” Raven said, successfully pushing the alpha down to rest against the
pillows and then cuddling up to her side, resting her head directly above the Commander’s chest. “I
think you will never understand how much this means to me, us, what we have… it's special to
me,” Raven said, happy about the fact that the Commander couldn’t quite see her face, it was
stupid, given how much emotion she had displayed in the last couple of hours. But for some
reason, looking at Lexa in the eye and telling her how important she was, still posed a challenge to
Raven.
She couldn’t help but think about the night where she had looked at the Commander in the eye and
told her that she didn’t care about her. That, even if it was a lie, had been much easier to say. It
made Raven sick, to think about how easy it had been to say something so cruel, and how telling
the truth and expressing how much she cared was still so difficult. At some point she had watered
it down to Lexa, Raven had told her she cared about her a little bit, and now she was hiding. She
was unable to look at the Commander in the eye and tell her how special she was to Raven.
“I think that if it feels anything like the way I feel towards you, then maybe I can understand it to
some extent. You are special to me as well, Raven,” Lexa said, folding her arm around Raven’s
back and massaging gently the small of her back. Like always, Lexa’s fingers seemed to move
towards Raven’s scar, tracing it gently with her fingertips before applying soft pressure.
Raven bit hard onto her bottom lip, trying to gather enough courage to say what she needed to say.
She lifted her head from Lexa’s chest and looked down into her eyes, the light of the candles just
enough to allow Raven to see her face in the dim light.
“Hey, do you remember that day in the medbay… when I told you I cared about you just a little
bit?” Raven said, and an instant lopsided smile pulled at the corner of the Commander’s lips.
“I do, it was a happy day for me. It’s a very treasured memory,” Lexa said, her eyes only getting
lighter, her smile only getting softer around the edges. Her fingers on Raven’s skin becoming
gentler still. Raven watched it all with a knot in her throat and a sickening feeling in her gut,
because that watered-down version of her feelings was everything to Lexa, hearing that Raven
cared about her just a bit was a source of extreme happiness for her. How fucking sick was that?
“It was a lie,” Raven said, and what she saw next made her feel like a clawed hand had been
shoved down her throat to rip her heart right out.
Lexa’s expression showed nothing but complete and utter devastation. Her eyes went dark and her
smile disappeared. It was as if someone had physically hit her. That expression was only there for
second or two, the Commander quickly getting a grip of her feelings to hide them under an
unbreakable mask.
“Oh, I understand… You not caring at all always made more sense,” Lexa said, her arms falling
off Raven’s body.
“Lex, no…” Raven said with a frown. “I just said you are very special to me, what I mean is that I
don’t care about you a little bit, I care about you a lot, I care about you so much ,” Raven said,
pressing her hand gently against the Commander’s chest.
“What?” Lexa said, her eyes widened as she clenched her jaw, the bone working side to side as she
tried to control the overflow of emotion that was so suddenly hitting her.
“Come on, Lex,” Raven said, cupping the Commander’s cheek with her hand and tracing her jaw
with the side of her thumb.
“You have to know I care about you; I think I make it evident enough, just think about it,” Raven
said, offering the alpha a small smile. “Why am I here to begin with?”
“Because of me,” Lexa said slowly, sounding slightly confused. “Because you knew I was going to
be in pain and you wanted to help me.”
“Yes. Haven’t I shown you that I care about you?”
“Forgive me,” Lexa said, blinking quickly. Raven could see she was having trouble wrapping her
mind around everything and so she stayed there, quiet, giving the alpha time to think. “You have
shown me, you show me all the time. This just seems too good to be true… when you said you
lied… I just thought reality had come to take this away from me, to take you away from me.”
“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Raven said with a small smile, leaning down to press a soft kiss to
Lexa’s lips. “Hey, I don’t feel like sleeping anymore. Can we go sit by the balcony like last time?”
“Of course, yes, of course,” Lexa said immediately, getting out of bed quickly. “Let me get
everything ready, and put on this sweater. Winter is almost gone, but it is still quite chilly outside,”
Lexa said, picking up a thick maroon knitted sweater and giving it to Raven. Lexa was the slightest
bit longer in the arms, so the sleeves of her sweater fell down to cover Raven’s knuckles.
The omega watched as Lexa picked up the armchair and put it outside in the balcony. Then, she put
on a long sleeve over her shirt and moved towards Raven, who was sitting in bed looking through
her bag until she found the old mp3 player that Lexa gave her for her birthday.
“Here,” Lexa whispered, having picked up a dark gray knitted hat as well, she gently put it on
Raven’s head, pulling it down until it covered her forehead and ears.
“It’s really not that cold anymore,” Raven said, smiling to herself as Lexa pilled a couple of furs on
her lap.
“It’s better to be safe, I don’t want you to get sick,” Lexa said, sneaking one arm under Raven’s
knees and another behind her back and picking her up before the omega could protest.
Raven yelped in surprise, wrapping her arms tight around the alpha’s neck as she walked towards
the balcony and carefully sat down on the armchair with Raven on her lap, she then wrapped the
furs over the both of them, letting Raven settle comfortably against her chest.
“Do you want to listen to some music?” Raven asked, handing Lexa an earbud before she
responded.
“Yes,” Lexa said, resting her head against Raven’s and looking up at the sky. “The moon looks
very bright tonight.” Raven tilted her head up to look at her, watching the soft silvery-blue light of
the crescent moon wash over Lexa’s face, making her eyes look grey and radiant.
“It looks beautiful as always,” Raven said, smiling up at the dark sky. “Did you know that it
doesn’t shine on its own? The light of the moon is a reflection of the light of the sun, that’s why
the moon doesn’t always look the same, only the side that faces the sun is lit up, the rest is left in
the dark. And it changes depending on the position of the earth as it moves around the sun.”
“Oh. No, I did not know that. But I do find it fitting,” Lexa said. Raven turned to look at her with a
confused frown.
“Fitting? Fitting how?”
“You are my sun, Raven,” Lexa said with a small smile, like it was obvious. “If there’s any light in
me, it’s only there because of you. It’s a mirror of your light. Just like the moon with the sun, it
can’t shine on its own, it only does so because the sun gives it light.”
“Lex…” Raven said, trailing off for a moment before she found the words she needed. “You have
light of your own, I know it.”
“I was left in the dark for years, Raven. I didn’t think there was anything else, but then I saw the
sunrise in the sky and it washed its light over me, now all I can do is try and reflect some of that
light back to it. Try to give back a small part of what it has given me,” Lexa whispered, leaning
down to press a soft kiss on Raven’s covered forehead.
“You really can’t say stuff like that,” Raven said, her mouth completely dry as goosebumps
traveled down her spine. She sneaked a hand towards the back of Lexa’s neck and brought her
down for a gentle kiss. Lexa’s lips were soft and plump under her own, kind, in the way they
allowed Raven to take control of the kiss; considerate, in how they followed each movement,
keeping it slow and taking seconds in between so they both could get a breath in; giving, in how
they decided not to take, but to do what they knew would feel best for Raven. The kiss felt holy,
somehow, sacred, pure and so very innocent, not charged with lust, but with something else…
Raven got completely lost in it. In the feeling of Lexa’s firm hand on the back of her head, in the
feeling of her warm breath against Raven’s mouth, in her addictive taste, in the way her thumb
lightly flickered over the back of Raven’s ear, in the way she took her time to trace Raven’s nose
with her own each time she tilted her head to the side…
She never tried to take control or to dominate, she never tried to move her hands anywhere
inappropriate. She just kept Raven gently cradled in her arms, making sure she was warm and safe,
treating her with as much gentleness as she could muster.
“The music…” Lexa whispered once Raven pulled away to take a proper breath, leaving her
forehead resting against the Commander’s.
“What?” Raven said, blinking quickly, still lost in the daze of the kiss.
“You asked me if I wanted to listen to some music and then you never…” Lexa trailed off, making
Raven aware of the silence between them.
“Oh, yeah, right,” Raven said, pressing play before resting her head against Lexa’s shoulder. Her
hands were shaking after the kiss, but she felt so calm inside, she couldn’t even explain it.
She didn’t see what song she had chosen, she just hit shuffle and let the device drop on her lap, but
only a few moments later a soft guitar started playing.
“That’s nice,” Lexa whispered, burying her nose against the soft fabric of Raven’s hat, trying to
chase away the cold that tinted the tip of her nose and her cheeks pink.
Before Raven could answer the vocals came in, as softly and gently as the guitar.
Maps stretched out-
Too many miles to count.
Let’s just say we’re inches apart,
Even closer at heart,
And we’ll be just fine.
Neither of them said a word, but Raven felt Lexa’s heartbeat pick up its space, her breathing
coming out loud and shaky as her chest stuttered every time she filled up her lungs.
Another pin pushed in
To remind us where we’ve been.
And every mile adds up
And leaves a mark on us.
And sometimes our compass breaks
And our steady true north fades.
We’ll be just fine.
We’ll be just fine,
I know that we will.
I just know we will.
Raven felt Lexa’s arms tighten around her, warm and strong as they curled around her body. She
didn’t say anything, but she nuzzled her nose against Raven’s forehead, pressing soft kisses over
the soft fabric of her hat over and over again, until she simply left the bridge of her nose resting
there, against Raven’s head.
Time moves slow
When half of your heart has yet to come home.
Every minute’s adding up
And leaving a mark on us.
The music seemed to build up quickly, getting more and more intense as the singer delivered the
lines that followed.
I can’t get you out of my mind.

Raven heard Lexa suck in a sharp breath and tilted her head up so the Commander’s nose pressed
gently against hers. Their eyes closed as the song continued, the music slowed down once more,
getting quieter, softer...
I solemnly swear,
I swear that I’ll never try.
Raven felt the Commander’s hand move up to her neck, her fingers tracing the column of her throat
before they settled on her jaw, stroking the contour of Raven’s bones with gentleness.
“Ray…” Lexa whispered, making Raven look up at her. Their eyes met fiercely, without wavering,
allowing Raven to see the Commander’s mouth part once more, only for Lexa to go completely
quiet. Frozen, as she stared into Raven’s eyes.
We’ll be just fine,
I know that we will.
“Lex?” Raven asked softly, not wanting to startle the alpha. “You okay?”
It’s a matter of time
’Til our compass stands still,
’Til our compass stands still.
“Yes, I just…” She visibly struggled for words, her mouth opening and closing a couple of times
without a word coming out. She blinked quickly and shook her head to herself. Raven could see it
for what it was, the Commander had just talked herself out of doing something or saying
something, and now she was struggling to get back on track. “I just, I… I’m going to be thinking
about that song next time you leave.”
“Oh, yes,” Raven said, getting a little sad at the mere thought of her departure. The miles between
them were always difficult to deal with, but they both knew there was no other way. “The distance
sucks, but we are working around it. It’s like the song says, we’ll be just fine, Lex.”
“Of course, can you play it again?” Lexa asked quietly, her cheeks rosy with the chill of the night
air as she took a hold of the furs and pulled them up to Raven’s shoulders.
“Sure,” Raven said, wondering if she had been able to tone down her reactions to the song as the
Commander had done. A song that perfectly described what she had with the Commander, a song
that expressed how difficult it was to be separated from the person you want to be with, but that
also showed how the fondness and the care could only grow in the distance. “I’ll play it again if
you agree to dance with me.”
“I’m Heda, Raven. A Commander does not dance,” Lexa said immediately, looking down at the
omega with a tiny frown on her face.
“No one is watching us, here it is just us. Come on, do it for me,” Raven said, giving the
Commander puppy dog eyes and a soft smile. Knowing she had succeeded when the alpha gave
her a smile of her own.
“Don’t look at me like that, please,” Lexa said, leaning in to press a soft kiss on Raven’s cheek. “I
do not know how to dance.”
“It’s fine, it's basically just swaying with this type of music. I don’t have my brace on though so my
leg is gonna be pretty much useless. You wouldn’t let me fall, right?” Raven asked as she looked
up at the alpha.
“Never,” Lexa said, standing up with Raven in her arms and placing the omega gently on the
ground, the blankets covering them falling to the ground in the process. Lexa kept an arm firm
around Raven’s waist as she leaned down to pick them up, draping them around Raven’s shoulders
to make sure she wouldn’t get cold.
Raven smiled at the gesture and tucked the mp3 player under the hem of her pants, pressing play
once more before she grabbed the ends of the blankets with her hands and curled them around
Lexa’s neck, making sure the alpha would stay warm as well, both of them wrapped under the furs.
The song started playing and Raven moved even closer to Lexa. The inch Lexa had on her was
made evident when they were standing so close, it was almost nothing, but it still left Raven’s
mouth at level with the alpha’s jaw.
“Both hands around my waist,” Raven whispered as the vocals started once more, Lexa did as told,
keeping her hands secure and steady around Raven’s body.
Let’s just say we’re inches apart,
Even closer at heart,
And we’ll be just fine.
Raven leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss down the side of the Commander’s jaw as she started to
sway slowly from side to side, not even moving her feet much.
And every mile adds up
And leaves a mark on us.
And sometimes our compass breaks
And our steady true north fades.
“This is nice,” Lexa whispered, pulling Raven closer so the omega could leave all her body weight
resting against Lexa’s chest. “It’s like a very long hug.”
“You like it then?” Raven asked with a smile, tilting her head back just enough to be able to look
into the Commander’s eyes.
Time moves slow
When half of your heart has yet to come home.
I solemnly swear,
I swear I’ll never try
“I like it with you, only with you,” Lexa breathed out, closing her eyes as she rested her head
against Raven’s. Heat rushed up Raven’s face, settling hotly in her cheeks as she buried her face in
the Commander’s neck in her try to hide it. The cold wind that came with the ends of winter
ghosted the back of her neck, making her shiver and cuddle closer to the Commander’s chest. Her
body continued to sway from side to side, her arms comfortably curled around the Commander’s
shoulders. The moon and the stars watched them from above, bathing them with their silvery light.
It’s a matter of time
’Til our compass stands still,
’Til our compass stands still.
“You are too sweet,” Raven whispered, pressing a soft kiss to the pulsing vein that crossed the
Commander’s long neck.
“No, just honest,” Lexa said, stopping the movement of her body as the song came to an end.
“There it is, so sweet,” Raven whispered, feeling as the Commander maneuvered them inside the
balcony until her back was resting against the railing, supporting her weight as she supported
Raven’s, their hold around each other never broke as they stayed wrapped in each other’s arms for
long moments. “Thank you,” Raven said, finally breaking the silence.
“What for?” Lexa asked with a confused frown.
“For making me feel better. I was really upset when I woke up, now I feel pretty great,” Raven
said, dropping a kiss over Lexa’s chin.
“No need to thank me for that, seeing you smile is all I need,” she said and Raven groaned low,
burying her face against Lexa’s shoulder.
“Stop! You can’t say things like that!” Raven said, poking the Commander’s chest with her fingers.
She heard the alpha let out a soft laugh, as if Raven’s heart wasn’t racing fast enough already.
“Forgive me, I did not mean to,” Lexa said, that small lopsided smile of hers firm on her face.
“Don’t apologize, but you do know that I must kiss you now, right?” Raven said, arching her
eyebrows slightly with a playful smile of her own.
“You must? ”
“Yes, it is a life or death kind of situation,” Raven said, her hand sneaking towards the back of
Lexa’s neck as she moved her head closer to the Commander’s, allowing the tip of her nose to
brush against the alpha’s.
“Oh, given the gravity of the situation I invite you to proceed,” Lexa said, trying to follow along.
Her attempts were usually a little awkward, but they made Raven’s belly flip all the same.
“Thank you, I really appreciate that,” Raven whispered hotly against the Commander’s mouth,
leaning in to capture her lips in a fierce kiss. “Take me to bed, please,” Raven whispered between
heavy breaths.
“You are sure?”
“Yes,” Raven whispered, not at all surprised when the Commander picked her up and had her flat
against the mattress in only a couple of seconds.
………………………
“Lana told me you haven’t left the room today, is there something wrong?” Lexa asked as she
walked towards her bed in all her Commander regalia. Raven was there, cuddling with Lexa’s
pillow.
“Come sit,” Raven said, patting the side of the bed next to her and waiting until the Commander sat
down before she took her hand in hers. “I want you to listen carefully and I don’t want you to think
that any of this is your fault, because it isn’t, okay?”
“That already makes it sound like I did something wrong,” Lexa said, her eyes getting wide with
concern as she clenched her jaw. “What did I do? How can I fix it? I am really sorry, Raven.”
“Lex, didn’t you hear what I just said? It’s not your fault, it’s my leg.”
“Your leg? Is it hurting you?” Lexa said, moving her hand towards Raven’s naked thigh and
placing her hand gently over the soft skin.
“I just... I spent a lot of time sitting in the Rover to get here, it is a bumpy ride and when I got here
I didn’t get to rest, I had to stand through the whole burning ceremony, which was something that I
really wanted to do because I know how important those kids are to you. And then we went to bed,
but the day after, instead of resting I walked all over the markets to get to the clearing where the
children play and then I had to make the walk back, but then…” Raven said, trailing off before
getting to the part that would make Lexa feel particularly guilty.
“Then you had the nightmare and we ended up having sex.”
“Yes, and I wanted it, I asked you for it but when I woke up this morning… I just… I feel so sore
and stiff, the muscles in my lower back keep cramping and the tension seems to move up my
spine… I just- I just don’t feel like walking today…” Raven trailed off, looking away from Lexa in
shame. She had hoped to be on her feet by the time the Commander would come to see her, but just
thinking about getting up was causing the throb in her lower back to intensify.
“Ray,” Lexa said very softly, hooking her fingers under Raven’s chin so the omega would look at
her. “You don’t have to look away, I understand. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to see how you were
doing this morning, I could have had some of my best healers come to give you a massage. I would
like you to tell me next time you feel like this, we can find ways to manage your pain together,
okay?”
“You already have so many things to deal with, I really don’t want to add to that, I’ll be fine if I
just rest, I swear,” Raven insisted, trapping the Commander’s hand with her own and giving it a
tight squeeze.
“You are not a burden to me; I’d like to know when you are feeling like this. I’m sorry I didn’t
notice on my own, I should have known that the last couple of days would take a toll on you. I was
inconsiderate, please, forgive me,” Lexa insisted, looking down at Raven with a concerned frown.
“There’s nothing to forgive, really. Please, don’t look at me like that, it only makes me feel bad
because I didn’t tell you,” Raven said, watching as Lexa gave her a small smile and pressed a kiss
against her knuckles.
“I do not know much about injuries like yours, but I have received many massages in my lifetime
and I gave Anya a couple while I was her Second. Would you let me give you one? I’m not sure it
will help, but just applying the oils should make you feel better, they help reduce pain, tension and
inflammation,” Lexa said, a touch of nervousness coloring her voice as she looked back at Raven.
“That would be nice, don’t you have somewhere to be, though?” Raven asked. She already knew
that Titus was being a total bitch to Lexa, and she knew that was directly related to Raven’s
presence in the capital. The last thing Raven wanted was to get Lexa into trouble.
“I have a couple of hours to myself, if we start now, we can finish before my next meeting starts,”
Lexa said, taking off her shoulder pauldron, her sash and her long coat. Leaving her in only in an
undershirt, leather pants and boots.
“Okay, should I take my clothes off then?” Raven asked, receiving a small nod from the
Commander. Raven had had the decency of throwing on a shirt and some underwear in case Lana
or someone else entered the Commander’s quarters.
“Allow me to help you,” Lexa said, being very careful as she tugged Raven’s shirt up, leaving her
completely bare from the waist up before getting rid of her underwear. “Roll onto your front,
please.”
“Okay,” Raven said, doing as told with a small wince, she hid her grimace against her arms, closing
her eyes as she felt the Commander walk away and come back within a couple of minutes.
“I’m going to apply some oils now, okay? I made sure to warm them up, I like them like this, but
let me know if they are too hot for you,” Lexa said, letting the oil drip directly over Raven’s skin.
“That’s perfect,” Raven said, the heavenly smell of the oils filtered between them and soon enough
Lexa’s hands were spreading it all over her back with wide, broad strokes. The Commander moved
to straddle the back of her thighs, letting none of her weight rest on Raven, keeping her body
hovering over the omega’s without letting it make contact.
“Tell me if something feels wrong and I will stop,” Lexa said as she started to apply gentle
pressure low on Raven’s back. Raven let out a soft sigh as she felt Lexa press her hands flat on each
side of her spine, she pressed upwards firmly from her lower back towards her mid-back before
coming back down, starting to loosen Raven’s sore muscles. She did this for countless minutes,
allowing Raven’s skin to absorb the warm oils as Lexa rubbed them over her body. “Is this okay?”
Lexa asked quietly, receiving a content hum from the omega resting below her.
Lexa continued by placing the heels of her hands on each side of the base of Raven’s spine, then
she started applying pressure in slow circles. She moved up and down the length of Raven’s spine
making the same motions, hearing the omega’s breathing slow as soft sighs left her parted lips.
Lexa lost count of how many times she went up and down Raven’s back making the same
movements, letting time pass as if she didn’t have anything of importance left to do.
Raven was surprised by how much time Lexa was taking to give her the massage, she had assumed
the Commander would just rub the oils on her skin before her meeting and then leave, but the
alpha was proving her wrong. Her hands held no rush as they continued to move over Raven’s
skin, switching from her previous motions to putting pressure on each side of Raven’s spine with
her thumbs. The Commander’s fingers slid up the omega’s spine slowly, applying pressure to the
long muscles that rested beside her spine in an upward motion.
After a few moments, Raven felt the Commander switch positions, both of her knees resting
against the mattress on Raven’s left side, allowing the alpha to place both her hands on the left side
of the omega’s lower back, moving her fingers from the base of her spine and then outwards along
her hips, applying pressure as she repeated the movement time and time again. Raven could feel
the tension draining from the muscles atop her ass, the tightness that had been bothering her going
away with Lexa’s careful strokes.
Lexa repeated the same movement on the right side of Raven’s lower back before moving her
hands directly over her behind, closing her hands into fists as she pushed against the muscle,
applying deep pressure as she heard Raven let out soft moans.
“Is this okay?” Lexa asked as she switched sides once more, repeating the same process on the
other side of Raven’s behind.
“Great,” Raven mumbled, her tongue feeling quite heavy as she felt the Commander’s hand move
her knuckles in circular motions over the skin of her behind, allowing her fingers to sink into the
muscle and putting just a bit of pressure into each stroke. Raven let out a contented sigh, followed
by a quiet hiss. Her injury always made that whole area feel painful and tense, and Lexa’s hands, as
inexperienced as they may be, were doing wonders to help her release some of that tension.
“I’m going to let some more oil fall onto the back of your leg, okay?” Lexa said as she removed her
hands from Raven’s body for a second, retrieving the oil and letting it drip over the expanse of
Raven’s hamstring. Lexa was about to go over Raven’s bad leg, and the omega could sense in her
voice and scent how that made the alpha progressively nervous. “Let me know if something
doesn’t feel right, okay?”
“Yes, feels great, Lex,” Raven said, trying to reassure her, feeling as Lexa pressed both her fisted
hands against the base of her hamstring and then moved up, drawing firm circles with her knuckles
around the base of her hip joint before moving down and repeating the motion, adding a bit more
pressure each time she repeated the movement.
“Would it be okay if you rolled onto your back so I can do the front of your leg?” Lexa asked,
aiding Raven with the process of rolling over when the omega gave her an approving nod.
Lexa got to work over the front of Raven’s thigh, doing the same thing as before, applying pressure
with slow deep strokes, her hands curled into loose fists as they pushed against the front of Raven’s
hip joint and down. She was sure to massage the inside of Raven’s thigh as well, feeling the
omega’s breathing stutter out of rhythm when the back of Lexa’s hand accidentally brushed over
her center.
Raven’s eyes opened for the first time. She watched the Commander kneeling by her side,
devotedly caring for her leg as she continued to massage her quad, the inside and the outside of her
thigh. She tried to resist but it became evident that her inner thigh was too sensitive for things to
remain innocent for long.
It wasn’t a surprise that Lexa was taking her time there, that was her bad leg after all, and the
Commander held nothing but concentration and determination in her face. Each stroke towards the
inside of Raven’s thigh was meant to ease her pain, not to arouse her. Raven knew that and so she
bit her lip, trying to keep any sound that would give her away from escaping her mouth. But soon
enough her lower lips were glistening, and the scent of her arousal became strong and impossible to
ignore. Raven saw the exact moment when the Commander noticed the effect her hands had on the
omega’s body, she saw it in the way her nostrils flared, the way her hands seemed to pause before
resuming their movements.
“Forgive me, I didn’t mean to…” Lexa whispered as she left her hand motionless on the inside of
the omega’s thigh.
“I know, it’s okay. Just touch me,” Raven said, her words having the desired effect in the way the
Commander’s pupils seemed to drown the green in her eyes.
Lexa laid down along Raven’s side, the hand on her inner thigh moving to cup her center as her
head was lowered to Raven’s chest. Her lips closed around a small bud, feeling it stiffen and
harden under the touch of her lips and the flickers of her tongue. Raven moaned low, letting her
fingers tangle in Lexa’s wild hair as the Commander began massaging her outer lips, her oily
fingers allowing for smooth strokes as she continued to put pressure over Raven’s sensitive skin.
“Lex, please,” Raven begged, her back arching up the mattress at a particularly intense suck of the
Commander’s lips around her breast. The alpha didn’t make her wait much longer, her fingers
slipping between the omega’s lips, the very tips quickly found her clit, they started moving in slow
circles, rubbing the straining bud carefully, gently, before increasing the pressure and the speed.
Her mouth moved from one breast to the other, giving it a similar treatment and giving the
hardened nipple a sharp tug with her teeth.
“Ah!” Raven cried out, her hips fluttering against the Commander’s hand as she squeezed her eyes
shut. Her chest moved up and down with her shallow breathing as the Commander’s mouth moved
up her chest, her lips leaving open-mouthed kisses all over her collarbones before they latched on
the sensitive crook of her neck. “Please, Lexa, I need you inside.”
Lexa only responded by sliding her hand down, the tips of her fingers tracing Raven’s wet opening
before they buried inside her warmth. The omega’s silken walls clenched around Lexa’s fingers in
welcome, barely letting her pull out before they sucked them back in. The omega moaned loudly as
the Commander rubbed her fingers against a particularly sensitive spot on her front wall. Raven’s
breathing became erratic and fast, barely able to process the heavenly feeling of Lexa’s lips as they
sucked and nipped at the column of her throat, her cunt starting to flutter uncontrollably around
Lexa’s fingers as the alpha increased the speed of her thrusts, the friction becoming so hot and
intense that only a couple of seconds later Raven was falling over the edge. Her hand curled into a
fist in Lexa’s hair, her moans loud in the Commander’s ears as her legs trembled uncontrollably.
Lexa kept pushing in and out slowly, steadily, helping Raven ride her climax, waiting until the
omega had caught her breath before pressing the heel of her palm against her clit and delivering
strong circles, pushing the omega into a second orgasm. Raven could feel her eyes rolling to the
back of her head as her back arched off the bed, her legs tensing around Lexa’s hand and trapping it
against her cunt.
Raven came down from her high to feel the Commander placing chaste kisses over her chest, the
top of her breasts, her collarbones, the hollow of her throat and her neck. Her hand was still at
Raven’s center, gently cupping it in her hand as the omega’s arousal continued to drip from her
opening, staining the furs she was resting on.
“How are you feeling?” Lexa asked, her green eyes searching all over Raven’s flushed face.
“Pretty amazing,” Raven mumbled, scratching the back of the Commander’s head with the hand
she still had tangled in her hair. “Best massage ever.”
“I hope to do your whole body next time,” Lexa whispered, leaning down to catch Raven’s lips in a
slow languid kiss. “I must be going soon; I’ll have a warm bath and some tea prepared for you. The
tea has healing properties, it will help you relax and ease your pain. You will probably sleep for
the rest of the afternoon, but I will make sure to wake you up tonight so you don’t go to sleep
without dinner.”
“You gonna go now? But what about that little problem,” Raven said, pointing at the not so little
problem that was the Commander’s massive hard on, not at all concealed by her tight leather pants.
“It will go away,” Lexa said, kissing the omega right on the mouth before she could say anything
else.
“Lexa, you are as hard as you could possibly get. That’s not going away on its own,” Raven said,
watching as the Commander stood up and walked towards the entrance of her bedroom. She
opened the door just a crack and talked to someone right outside, possibly her guards, before
coming back to sit at Raven’s side.
“I will take care of it by myself then,” Lexa said, offering Raven a small smile. “I want you,
Raven, I do… but you are feeling a bit better now, I don’t want to risk it by having sex with you
like that, I think it would be too much. Let’s give it a couple of days. I can please you in ways that
would involve a lot less movement in the meantime.”
“Lexa-” Raven tried to say, but the sudden entrance of several handmaidens with steaming buckets
of water successfully interrupted her. A couple of minutes later the women were moving outside
the room, leaving only Lana behind.
“The bath is ready, Heda. The oils were put in the water as you ordered and the tea is being
prepared as we speak. It will be brought in as soon as it is ready,” the young handmaiden said, not
even batting an eye at the sight of Raven’s naked body. Raven would have felt a lot more
embarrassed if she wasn’t aware of the grounders' lack of care over nudity.
“Thank you, Lana. I wish you to remain here when I leave, you will help Raven leave the bath and
change into a fresh set of clothes when she is ready. You will also stay after that to fetch her
everything she needs, Raven needs to rest and should not leave the bed under any circumstances,”
Lexa said, her eyes on the young handmaiden.
“Lexa, that’s not necessary,” Raven said as she felt the Commander’s arms carefully sneak behind
her back and under her thighs.
“We can disagree on that,” Lexa said, lifting Raven from the bed as carefully as she could and
walking towards the bathroom, lowering the omega gently into the steaming water. “Have your
tea, don’t do more than you should. I know that you like to do things on your own, but you don’t
have to. Let me help, please.”
Raven bit her lip, staring into the Commander’s concerned green eyes with a torn expression on
her face.
“You really don’t need to do all of this,” Raven insisted, tucking a soft strand of brunette hair
behind Lexa’s ear.
“Maybe not, but I want to. I won’t be able to look after you myself for the rest of the day, knowing
that I was able to arrange this for you is the only thing making me feel better,” Lexa said, closing
her eyes and resting her forehead against the omega’s.
“Will you stress less if I agree not to move out of bed for the rest of the day?” Raven asked quietly,
nuzzling her nose against the alpha’s and placing a soft kiss on her lips.
“Yes,” She said, continuing the kiss until they were both flushed and breathless. “I would feel a lot
better if I knew you would be resting and well looked after.”
“Okay, go then, from here I’ll go back to bed and nowhere else,” Raven said, smiling to herself as
she watched the tension on the Commander’s shoulders wash away.
“Thank you, Ray,” the Commander said, pressing one last, long kiss to the omega’s forehead
before standing up. “I’ll try to come back as soon as possible.”
“I know, go, I’ll be fine,” Raven said, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside at the Commander’s
obvious concern.
“Ask Lana for anything you need,” the Commander said as she walked towards the door, a hand
scratching the back of her neck as a torn expression crossed her face, Raven knew it was tearing
her apart to leave when she knew the omega wasn’t feeling so well.
“I know, don’t worry, go!” Raven said, giving the alpha a reassuring smile before watching the
Commander leave.
……………………..
Turns out as soon as possible actually meant way past dinner. Because of different issues with the
Ambassadors, the Commander had been forced to skip dinner, leaving Raven eating in bed with
Lana by her side. Raven had her mind set on waiting for the Commander to go to sleep, but a
second dose of the tea she had had with dinner proved that impossible, and so the next time she saw
the Commander was late at night.
Raven hadn’t felt her come in, much less get into bed with her. But she woke up in the middle of
the night to a very warm body gently pressed against her back. The Commander’s body was flush
against Raven’s, her chest pushing against the omega’s back with each expansion of her lungs; her
lips brushing the back of the omega’s neck, her breath leaving goosebumps to flood the omega’s
skin with each breath she took.
Raven didn’t have the heart to wake her and decided to stay very still, keeping her breathing
controlled and steady, knowing that the Commander would wake if she so much as breathed too
hard.
“I’m sorry, you were asleep and I didn’t ask if I could get into bed with you,” Lexa said suddenly,
startling Raven a little. The alpha’s hold around the omega’s middle loosened just slightly, giving
the omega the chance to move away if she wanted to.
“You can always get into bed with me, I told you that already,” Raven said, tucking herself further
back against the Commander’s chest. The alpha’s arm, draped right under the omega’s breasts,
tightened in response. Her nose nuzzling the side of Raven’s sweet-smelling neck.
“I know, I’m still unsure sometimes,” Lexa whispered and Raven nodded in response, she rested
her arm on top of the Commander’s own, tracing her forearm with her fingertips until she found the
back of her hand, taking her time to bury her fingers in between Lexa’s own, allowing them to
interlock.
“I know, that’s okay,” Raven said, breathing in deep and frowning at what she found in the
Commander’s scent. Exhaustion, agitation, frustration. “Lex, is everything okay? I can tell from
your scent that you are really fucking exhausted.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Lexa said as she started to push herself up, “I will go wash myself.”
“No, no, no,” Raven said, turning in Lexa’s arms so she could face the alpha. “I didn’t mean to
imply that you smell bad, you smell as great as usual. What I tried to say is that I can tell you are
really drained, exhausted… Did something happen in the meeting with the Ambassadors?”
“Can we not talk about that right now? I just want to lay here with you,” Lexa said, opening her
eyes for the first time to look back at the omega.
“Of course, we don’t have to talk about it now. Just remember I’m here for you, okay?” Raven
whispered, leaning in to press a soft kiss on Lexa’s lips before turning around, giving the Heda her
back.
“I know, thank you, Raven,” Lexa whispered, tightening her hold around the omega’s slim waist
and burying her face against the back of her neck. Raven felt the alpha take a deep breath, letting
her chest fill with the omega’s soothing scent before she allowed herself to place soft kisses over
Raven’s sensitive skin.
“It’s okay,” Raven whispered, letting their hands interlock once more. “Just sleep.”
……………………………….
When Raven woke up the next morning Lexa was already awake. The alpha was just resting there,
holding Raven from behind and tracing her side with feather-like touches. Her breathing was
steady and slow, washing over the back of Raven’s neck and making goosebumps spread down her
spine.
Raven remembered what the Commander had said the night before, how she didn’t feel like
talking, and decided not to say anything. She just reached for the Commander’s hand and
interlocked her fingers with the alpha’s just like she had done the night before.
Raven closed her eyes once more, indulging in the moment. The quiet of the early morning and the
feeling of Lexa’s solid body holding her own, offering warmth and protection. She let out a
contented sigh and stretched her neck back just slightly, giving the Commander easy access to her
soft skin, allowing her to press her lips over the side of her neck.
The moment was broken by Lana, who came in a few minutes later. Raven felt Lexa sigh against
her neck, letting her lips rest on Raven’s neck for a long moment and giving her hand a soft
squeeze before standing up from the bed.
“It is time, Heda,” Lana said. Something in her tone was off, Raven couldn’t put her finger on it,
but when she rolled over to look into the handmaid's eyes, she knew that something was very
wrong. “We must start preparing now, if you are to be ready for the duel.”
“Duel?” Raven said, an electrifying wave of fear rushing up to her head from her very toes. The
omega’s gaze moved from Lana’s face to Lexa’s. “Lexa! What fucking duel?!” She said, her panic
blatantly filtering in her voice, it was loud and frantic.
Lexa looked away for a second, glancing at the ceiling before moving her gaze back down towards
Raven. Her whole expression was an apology.
“I have been challenged, Raven. I must fight to the death with a warrior belonging to the Sangeda
delegation.”
Raven looked back at Lexa; her mouth parted in shock. To think they had been fucking spooning
just two seconds ago. Fucking ridiculous.
Chapter 13
Chapter Summary
Hey guys!! Thank you so much for all the comments and kudos!! We reached more
than 1000 kudos already, isn't that amazing? Thank you!! I really appreciate all your
support and kind words and I'm really waiting to see you all in the comment section
again. You are so kind and nice, I love hearing your thoughts. I'm still responding the
comments from last chapter, and I plan to answer them all, so give me a bit if I haven't
answered back to you yet.
I'm sorry if there are more mistakes than usual, you guys already know I'm not that
great at editing. Hope you enjoy the chapter anyway and hope to see you in the
comments!!
Chapter Notes
“Lexa! What the fucking hell is going on?!” Raven snapped, her voice loud and angry as she stood
up from the bed. Almost immediately losing her balance because she hadn’t been wearing her
brace when she went to bed.
“It’s fine, it’s just a duel,” Lexa said, leaning forwards so she could hold onto Raven’s arm and
keep her steady.
“Just a duel? Are you fucking with me?!” Raven said, her face feeling hot with anger as she
smacked Lexa’s arm, removing it from her body. Lexa pulled back her hands at once, holding them
up and away from Raven.
“No, I’m not fucking with you,” Lexa said with a confused frown, Raven could see in her face that
she wasn’t entirely sure about what that sentence meant. “I’ll go fight and then everything will go
back to normal.”
“Why did you not say anything? You should have said something!” Raven said, sitting back down
on the bed and putting on her brace with quick, sharp movements. “Lana, bring her stupid armor!”
Raven said, turning to look at the young handmaiden for a second before turning to look at Lexa
with a furious glare.
“I was tired, I just wanted to rest with you. I didn’t want to keep thinking about it,” Lexa kept
explaining, her hands still held up because of the way Raven had rejected her touch earlier. The
alpha looked so very sorry, her forehead creased in concern, her eyes moving all over Raven’s face,
her fingers shaking with anxiety as Raven’s rage continued to upset her.
“You don’t get to hide something like that! What the fuck is wrong with you?! Did you think I
wanted to find out like this?!” Raven said, jabbing her finger hard against Lexa’s sun tattoo. The
alpha slightly winced but she didn’t make Raven stop, she just took it.
“I wasn’t hiding it, I just saw no point in telling you in the middle of the night, you wouldn’t have
slept properly and you were tired and hurting. I didn’t want to add to that. I thought it would be best
to let you know today,” Lexa rushed to say, watching from the corner of her eye as Lana placed her
armor on the bed.
“That’s the most stupid thing I have ever heard!” Raven said, her voice growing louder and louder,
her anger reaching incomprehensible levels when she saw the Commander’s armor up close.
“What kind of stupid shit is this?! Is this the best your people can do? this won’t stop any kind of
blade; this is fucking ridiculous!” Raven closed her eyes and pressed her fingertips hard against her
temples.
“Raven-” Lexa tried to say, her voice soft and sad.
“Don’t talk to me, just put on your shitty armor,” Raven said as she started to pace across the room,
watching Lexa put her armor on from the corner of her eyes. “Fuck! I’ll just do it myself,” Raven
said, smacking Lexa’s hands away from the buckles and taking care of tightening the buckles with
her own hands.
“I’m sorry Raven, I just wanted you to have a good night of sleep,” Lexa tried to say, doing her best
not to wince or grimace at Raven’s violent tugs of the buckles. The only response the alpha
received was a scorching glare from the omega, who said nothing and continued to make sure
every part of the armor was in its place.
“Lana, can you give us a moment alone please,” Raven said, still sounding furious but keeping her
voice at a regular volume this time.
The handmaiden glanced at the Heda, only leaving the room when the alpha gave her a court nod.
“Raven-”
“No, you were happy not saying shit yesterday? Okay, then you don’t get to say shit today. You
are going to win that duel, and you will do whatever you need to do to win. If you have to play
dirty, then play dirty, am I clear?” Raven said, both of her hands flat on Lexa’s breastplate, her face
just inches away from the alpha’s. “Say something!” Raven snapped, looking into the alpha’s eyes
with nothing but fire burning in her own.
“But you told me not to say anything,” Lexa whispered quietly. She was confused and sad and
worried, Raven could see it all over her face, but she was too angry to think much about it.
“Tell me you are going to do whatever it takes to win,” Raven said again, fixing the alpha with a
pointed glare.
“My honor is very important to me, Raven, I couldn’t win by executing dishonorable actions,”
Lexa whispered, and if possible, Raven’s face got even redder. She tightened her hands against the
front of the Commander’s armor and pulled her closer, forcing the tip of her nose to brush the
alpha’s.
“I don’t give a flying fuck about your stupid honor,” Raven’s voice became a deadly whisper.
“Either you do what you have to do to win, or I will blow the asshole’s brain with my gun first
chance I get, I don’t care about making an even bigger mess out of this whole situation.” Even with
their closeness, Raven managed to see how the alpha’s eyes got comically wide in a mix of surprise
and horror. “You don’t get to make me feel this way and then go out there to only make a half-
hearted attempt to win. You will finish it quickly, you won’t let the asshole harm you and you will
come back to me safe and sound, or what? Is your honor more important than me?”
“No, of course not,” Lexa said quickly, offering Raven a small shake of the head. “You are more
important. Always. I will win and I won’t be hurt.”
“Good, I don’t give two shits about politics Lexa, if I see that you are losing, I will do something
about it, do you understand?” Raven asked, cupping Lexa’s cheeks in her hands, looking into her
eyes so she would understand.
“I do, and I will win. I told you I would take you to see the ocean, Raven, I plan on keeping my
word. I am not dying today,” Lexa said, daring to place her hands on Raven’s waist and hoping the
omega wouldn’t smack them away. “Please, forgive me, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m not upset, I’m angry and really fucking scared,” Raven said, feeling the rush of her anger
draining from her body only to give space to the fear. She wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck,
her touch was much gentler than before. “Just get it over with, please.”
“I will win for you, Raven, for us. Trust me,” Lexa whispered, leaning in to nuzzle her nose against
Raven’s. “I didn’t mean to hurt you by not telling you, I thought I was doing what was best. I was
wrong and I am sorry. I just wanted you to rest-”
Lexa was cut off by the hard press of Raven’s warm mouth against her own. The omega went all
in, kissing Lexa with as much passion as she could. Her hand was curled tight around the
Commander’s neck, keeping her close as she opened her mouth a little wider, allowing her tongue
to curl and play around the Commander’s own. A quiet moan filtered in between them and Raven
didn’t stop think if it was her own or not, she just kissed Lexa harder still, wanting to keep her
close and protected, wanting to keep her safe. In Raven’s arms, no one could touch Lexa and that’s
where Raven wanted to keep the Heda, secure in her embrace, where no one could get to her,
where no one could touch her, where no one could take her away.
“Don’t make me lose you today,” Raven gasped, her sweet breath washing over the alpha’s mouth.
Her chest heaving after being deprived of oxygen for so long.
“I won’t. I will win for you, Raven. I swear it,” Lexa said, leaning in to press the softest kiss
against Raven’s lips. “We have much to do together, I’m not letting that be taken away from me.”
“Good,” Raven whispered, burying her face against the Commander’s neck and hugging her as
tight as she could, never wanting to let go. “Let me change, okay? I will go with you.”
“Okay, I’ll finish getting ready,” Lexa said, pulling back slightly to cup Raven’s jaw with her
hands. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, don’t worry about anything.”
“I’ll stop worrying when the stupid duel is over,” Raven grumbled, watching the Commander look
back at her with concern in her eyes as she moved forwards to press a soft kiss to Raven’s forehead.
“Go get ready, I can’t be late,” Lexa said, brushing her thumb over the omega’s cheek before
walking towards her dresser.
By the time Raven was ready, the Commander had finished putting on her warpaint and the rest of
her armor. Lexa guided Raven towards the door and as they made their way out Lana and the
Commander’s guards fell into step right behind them. They descended the tower together, arriving
at the arena soon after.
Lana pulled Raven to the side and towards the place where the people were gathering in a
semicircle that surrounded the square. On the other side, there was a high platform where all the
Ambassadors were sitting, including Marcus and Titus. The Flamekeeper was sitting under the
banner of Trikru in Lexa’s place.
Lexa moved to stand in the middle of the square, a bulky man that was at least two heads taller
than her standing by her side. His armor was of a deep maroon color and was only covering his
torso and legs, leaving his muscular arms exposed. Raven swallowed hard at the sight of him,
clearly an alpha and obviously much stronger than Lexa, his arm alone almost as thick, if not
thicker, than one of the Commander’s thighs. He had a wicked-looking sword strapped to his back,
its shape unusual to Raven’s eyes, the sharp metal curved and glinting under the light of the sun.
An ax was hanging from his belt and Raven could see knife handles protruding from the edge of
his boots. He was stinking the square with his pheromones, they were strong and disgusting and
they made Raven’s stomach roll sickeningly, making her feel like she was about to throw up.
Lexa looked tiny and ridiculous next to him, the sight alone making a cold sweat bloom on the
back of Raven’s neck and drip down her spine.
“In single combat, there is only one rule,” Titus said as he stood from his seat, “someone must die
today.” Raven felt her heart race in her chest, her stomach revolting violently as she watched
Lexa’s lithe body standing right there in the square, only a thin sword strapped to her waist.
Raven tried to regulate her breathing, a hand discretely moving towards the hem of her pants, her
hand fitting comfortably around the handle of her gun.
Raven watched as Lexa stepped into position, allowing her adversary to do the same on the other
end of the square.
“You may begin,” Titus said, letting himself fall back on his seat.
Lexa barely allowed the last syllable of ‘begin’ to ring out before she moved. Raven was suddenly
overwhelmed by a memory.
“Heda is always deadly, but even more so when she is given the chance to take aim,” the bowyer
said.
“Is that so?” Raven asked with a smile, turning to look at the man with interest.
“Yes, Heda never misses , not with the bow, not with knives. I saw her throw a knife into a man’s
neck once, she was not close.”
“Shit, how the hell do you aim for the neck, though? Can’t be easy,” Raven asked, looking back at
the Commander, not even trying to hide how impressed she was.
“I aim to kill, hitting central mass does not guarantee death, unless I aim for the heart that is,
because of that I usually aim for the neck, or the head, eyes mostly. The wrists and thighs are good
choices, too, people do not die immediately, but without medical attention, they bleed out in a few
minutes,” the Commander said, her tone deadpan and flat, emotionless, her eyes dark…
The first knife was the kill shot. The second was a statement. The third was a reaffirmation. Lexa
was the Commander for a reason, she had survived her Conclave, she had been to war and had
showered the enemies of her people with her wrath… Most importantly, she was a visionary and
could see that war would do nothing but keep them stuck. Because of that, she had brought peace to
the 12 Clans; because of that, she was the only legitimate ruler… Her mind was the source of her
strength, and no one could take that away from her.
Raven didn’t think she truly saw what happened, for Lexa had been too fast. The omega couldn’t
tell if the knives had been thrown one by one or all at once, but the first sunk vertically into the
warrior’s forehead. The second buried deep into the soft tissue of the hollow of his throat. The third
hit his heart, landing cleanly on the center of his chest, just a few inches to the left. Lexa had
successfully used the warrior’s body to target practice.
When Lexa attacked the man had been reaching for his ax. He died with his hand loosely curled
around the handle, falling back only when his legs registered that no orders were coming down
from the brain.
Lexa turned to face the platform once more, waiting for something to happen, but everyone was
dead quiet. Raven looked from the body and back to Lexa over and over again, feeling a laugh rush
from deep within her belly to the base of her throat. She covered her mouth to try and muffle it,
feeling so relieved that her eyes started to water. It had probably been the most disappointing duel
in grounder history, finished in the time it took the first knife to sink in the man’s forehead, but
Raven couldn’t care less. She just wanted to run towards Lexa and jump into her arms.
“This is outrageous!” the Sangeda Ambassador screamed for everyone to hear as he stood up from
his chair. “The Commander didn’t even allow my warrior to unsheathe his sword!”
“As soon as we are told to begin, the fight starts. Your warrior could have ducked, but he didn’t.
That mistake cost him his life,” Lexa said simply, another knife seeming to magically materialize
in the palm of her left hand. Raven knew the warrior couldn’t have ducked even if he had wanted
to, he hadn’t expected for the Commander to attack him in such a way. He expected a fair fight, an
honorable fight. He didn’t expect hidden knives to be thrown at him before he could even draw his
weapon. Raven didn’t know where Lexa had hidden the knives, but she couldn’t be more relieved.
“In single combat, there is only one rule, someone must die. You are welcome to come down here
and check your warrior’s pulse, or to face me in combat yourself. What will it be?” Lexa said,
tilting her chin up in a clear challenge, pumping her pheromones hard enough for her scent to
spread around the entire square. Alphas, omegas, betas… every single person present started
squirming where they stood, trying not to fall at Lexa’s feet in submission.
The Sangeda Ambassador seemed to go completely white in the face, sitting back down on his
chair without saying a word.
“Let this be a lesson for all of those who doubt my strength,” Lexa said just as the crowd started to
holler, chants of Heda growing louder and louder after each second.
Raven couldn’t stop herself from joining them, putting her hands in the air as she screamed from
the top of her lungs.
“Heda! Heda! Heda!” Raven shouted as loud as she could, a bright smile splitting her face as Lexa
turned around to face the crowd. Lexa’s eyes immediately found Raven’s, the alpha offering the
omega a discreet smile as she lifted her hand to wave at her people before retreating back inside the
tower.
…………………………………………….
Titus was quick to pull Lexa aside to speak to her, and all Raven could do was save her excitement
for later as she walked towards the Commander’s quarters and sat on the bed. She put away her
gun and waited for a few minutes, burying her face in the nearest pillow and screaming as hard as
she could into it, she was too excited and she didn’t know what to do with it all.
Soon the door was opening, the Commander was coming in and Raven was rushing towards her as
best as she could, pushing her against the door and fitting her mouth to hers in a matter of seconds.
“You are the most amazing person I have ever met,” Raven panted against the Commander’s
mouth, pulling forcefully at her armor in her attempts to get it off.
“I didn’t let him harm me, I came back to you safe and sound,” Lexa said, burying her gorgeous
face against Raven’s neck and delivering open-mouthed kisses to the skin she found there.
Raven was quick to rip off the Commander’s shirt, her hands moving down to palm at the swell of
her shaft. Raven pulled at the knot that kept Lexa’s pants closed and snuck a hand under her
underwear. The omega caressed the cock from the base, where her thumb and middle finger didn’t
meet, to the tip, where the swollen head was already starting to drip.
“It is as you said, Lexa, all a warrior needs to know is how to follow orders,” Raven said, pushing
Lexa away for a moment, just so she could unbuckle her brace and get rid of her pants. “I have a
new order for you… You denied me of your cock yesterday, give it to me, now .”
Lexa’s eyes seemed to go black from arousal. Her biceps flexed as she lifted Raven in her arms,
bracing the omega’s body against the door as she let the base of her shaft kiss Raven’s weeping
center.
Raven whimpered low as she felt Lexa roll her hips, allowing the underside of her cock to caress in
between Raven’s lips, the omega’s fluids drenching her skin and allowing for a smooth glide.
“You will fill me so deeply like this,” Raven rasped out, the constant bump of the Commander’s
cock against her clit threatened to make her come before the alpha even entered her. Raven
couldn’t allow that, she surged forwards, trying to soothe the heat in her body with the refreshing
feel of the Commander’s taste in her tongue.
“Don’t worry, I won’t put all of it inside of you, I won’t hurt you,” Lexa reassured, sweet and
worried as she trapped Raven’s mouth in a kiss once more, swiping her tongue over her bottom lip
before wandering inside, Raven’s tongue receiving her with a warm welcome.
“I want all of it. Don’t deny me again, please,” Raven whispered as she moved a hand between
their bodies, doing what she could to wrap as much of the Commander’s vertical cock within her
grip, and allowing the tip to fit snugly against her entrance.
Lexa gasped at the sucking sensation of the omega’s opening around the tip of her cock. She
adjusted so that her hands were gripping right under the omega’s ass, keeping track of every
movement, and controlling how deep she would push into Raven’s channel.
“Fuck me, Lex, please!” Raven begged, tightening her hand around the Commander’s damp neck
as the alpha allowed more of her weight to fall down, inches of her thick cock splitting Raven’s
walls little by little. “I want more of it, please!” Raven panted, her voice cut by a strangled wail as
the Commander pumped her hips up, allowing half of her cock to sink in the omega’s warm
channel.
“Are you still angry with me?” Lexa asked, her eyes looking up into Raven’s as the omega pushed
her weight down, forcing the rest of the Commander’s stiff shaft inside of her.
“Fuck, yes!” Raven moaned, her walls splitting at the pressure, the friction becoming utterly
overwhelming as the head of the Commander’s cock buried as deep as it could possibly go,
reaching places inside of Raven that the omega had no idea existed. The Commander rolled her
hips back, allowing inches of her cock to meet the air before pushing back into the omega’s
wetness. “Fuck!” Raven cursed once more, glancing down at the unholy place where their centers
met, her eyes watching the unthinkable way in which the alpha spread her apart with every roll of
her hips.
Lexa was tearing her apart in the most blissful way, bracing her weight further against the door so
she could better pump her hips, pulling back until only the head of her shaft remained inside of
Raven before plunging back in.
“Lex! Fuck!” Raven moaned, looking down once more to see that Lexa’s shaft had completely
disappeared in her insides, making them one. Heat seemed to rush in Raven’s veins at the sight, her
walls clamping hard around Lexa’s cock as the Commander sped up her thrusts, pumping her hips
against Raven’s faster and harder with every roll of her pelvis.
Raven’s moans and whimpers rose in volume with every thrust, her nails scratching at the
Commander’s muscular shoulders as the alpha sucked on her breasts, attempting to muffle her own
sounds of pleasure on Raven’s skin. Soon it became too much, Lexa sucked hard at the peak of her
breast at the same time as she gave a selfish snap of her hips. Something right behind Raven’s belly
button seemed to unravel violently, sending lightning down to her toes as her walls clenched hard
around the stiff cock inside of her, showering it with wetness.
Raven’s head crashed against the door as she shouted her pleasure up to the ceiling, her body
shuddering wildly in Lexa’s arms as the alpha continued to pump her hips, helping her ride her
climax.
Once the shudders had subsided to soft tremors, Raven unburied her nails from Lexa’s skin,
caressing the half-moons left there with the pads of her fingers, and kneading gently the back of the
alpha’s neck. Lexa was still placing open-mouthed kisses all over her neck, her shaft still very
much hard and pulsing in Raven’s cunt.
“Lex, please, I want you to come inside of me,” Raven whispered, leaning her head down to place
gentle kisses all over Lexa’s shoulders.
Lexa let out a quiet grunt, securing her hold on Raven’s ass and lifting her easily. Herr arms and
shoulders flexed with the movement as she walked carefully towards the bed, and laid Raven down
on the furs. The omega wrapped her good leg around Lexa’s back, pressing her calf tight against
the Commander’s ass to keep her close.
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” Lexa asked quietly, placing her palms flat on each side of Raven’s
head. Lexa left her arms fully extended, allowing the omega to stare at her perfect breasts and her
sculpted abs. Raven could see how her perfect abdomen flexed and clenched as she started to thrust
her hips once more.
“Yes, I’m perfect, but I’ll be better once I feel you come inside of me,” Raven said, bucking her
hips up and deliberately clenching her walls around the alpha’s shaft. “Just let go, Lex.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” the alpha whispered, letting out another grunt when Raven started
rolling her hips.
“You won’t,” the omega whispered, bringing Lexa down by the neck and capturing her mouth in a
blazing kiss. “Just let go, do whatever you want with me. I want your cum, Lexa, give it to me.”
Her words seemed to finally do the trick, and the usually gentle and giving alpha hovering over her
shifted into a raging beast. Lexa gripped Raven’s wrists hard and pressed them against the
mattress, engaging the muscles of her legs and ass to pump her cock as hard and fast as she could
against Raven’s center.
The movement had the bed rocking, the wood creaking with every thrust and the headboard
crashing against the wall with each pump of the Commander’s hips. Raven’s eyes rolled to the
back of her head, her jaw falling open, vocal cords contorting around each moan as her walls
started to flutter once more. The friction of the Commander’s swelling cock against her walls
sending a thrilling sensation up her spine. Her eyes only opened to see the delicious sight that was
Lexa, jaw clenched tight and eyes screwed shut, the muscles of her shoulders and arms bulging and
straining, her chiseled abs continuing to clench with every snap of her hips.
Raven would have fallen over the edge from that sight alone if the Commander’s hand hadn’t
wandered between their bodies, finding quickly the omega’s clit. Upon the insistent press of her
fingers, Raven was screaming her throat raw, her eyes opening wide, the brown pushed to very
edges by her expanding pupils. Her cunt clamped around Lexa’s cock, holding it in a solid grip.
The Commander’s head fell against Raven’s neck, a deep grunt ripping through her mouth as hot
jets of cum splashed Raven’s walls. The alpha’s body trembled slightly as it hovered over Raven’s,
making the Commander fall from the support of her hands to land on her elbows, leaving her front
warmly pressed against Raven’s.
Lexa pumped her hips gently, helping them both ride the high as they slowly came down from it.
The alpha gently sucked kisses all over Raven’s collarbones and neck, moving up the side of her
jaw until their mouths came together.
Raven sighed contently into it, wrapping her arms around the alpha’s neck as she pulled Lexa
down towards herself, forcing the alpha to rest all her weight over the omega.
“Are you still angry with me?” Lexa asked hoarsely, looking down at Raven with a shy, lopsided
smile.
“Very angry, in fact,” Raven said, cupping the side of the alpha’s face in her hand and tucking a
soft strand of brunette hair behind her ear.
“I truly was doing what I thought was best,” Lexa whispered worriedly, “you were tired and
hurting and you were just starting to feel better… I didn’t wish to add to your discomfort. I just
wanted to take care of you and make sure you were okay. I’m very sorry, I’ll do better, I promise,”
Lexa said, turning her head to the side to press a soft kiss to the inside of Raven’s hand.
Raven couldn’t stop herself from smiling up at Lexa, the warmth that bloomed in her chest barely
letting her breathe. An apology was so meaningful, especially to someone like Raven, who had
been so constantly wronged by people who later brushed it away like it was nothing. But here she
was, the Commander of the 13 Clans, alpha of all alphas, promising she would do better after a
mistake she made in her attempts to keep Raven safe. It felt so precious that Raven didn’t know
what to do with it.
“I’ll forgive you soon, I just need to be angry for a little bit longer, okay? It will go away,” Raven
said, smile firm in her face as she caressed Lexa’s tiny ear with her fingertips.
“Of course, I’m not apologizing so you forgive me, I’m doing it because I am sorry. You can be
angry for as long as you need to be,” Lexa said, leaning down to tenderly nuzzle her nose against
the omega’s cheek before letting her lips wander down Raven’s neck.
The omega closed her eyes in content, humming low as she felt the Commander’s mouth move
past her breast bone.
“What are you doing, Lex?” Raven asked once she noticed the Commander kept moving lower and
lower.
“Showing you how appreciative I am of having you in my life,” Lexa said, her warm breath
ghosting over Raven’s ribs and sending goosebumps spreading all over her skin.
Soon enough Lexa was reaching the apex of Raven’s thighs. The omega sighed loudly, Lexa was
safe, she had won the duel, she was unharmed and okay. They were in bed together, everything
was okay. And as Lexa’s warm mouth reached her center, Raven couldn’t help but feel like she
was on top of the world.
……………………
There were short naps and rest periods, moments they took to catch their breath and to let their
muscles recover. That didn’t erase the fact that they had spent almost the entire day fucking. Raven
knew it had been too much when she woke up after their longest nap. She was draped over the
Commander’s side, her arm and her bad leg thrown over the alpha’s body as her head rested right
above Lexa’s chest, her soothing heartbeat sending echoes all over Raven’s body. The mentioned
leg was spasming, stiff to the point of pain as Raven did her best to remove it carefully from Lexa’s
body.
“Ray…” Lexa mumbled, still sleepy and exhausted as she tightened her arm around Raven’s body.
The omega assumed that Lexa thought she was moving away. “Don’t go…” the alpha whispered,
pressing a kiss to the top of Raven’s head as she brushed her thumb tenderly over the omega’s
back.
“Not going anywhere,” Raven said with a small smile, her heart racing in her chest. “Just trying to
get comfy, my leg is being a little bitch.”
“What?” Lexa mumbled tiredly, trying to blink the sleep away from her eyes as she caressed the
side of Raven’s butt with her hand. “Hurts?”
“Yeah, a little,” Raven said, trying not to concern the alpha, but she could feel her muscles
spasming right under the Commander’s hand, and she doubted the alpha wouldn’t notice.
“I knew we should have waited a few more days to do this,” Lexa said with a frown, already
starting to massage the omega’s hip with her fingers. “I’m sorry, can I offer you a massage?”
“No, you are tired too, let’s just go back to sleep, I’m sure I will feel better in the morning,” Raven
reassured, tilting her head up to press soft kisses over the Commander’s jaw.
“What about a bath? We could both do with a bath, the hot water, and the healing oils should
help,” Lexa said, looking expectantly down at Raven.
“You won’t let this go, will you?” Raven asked, her brown eyes meeting the Commander’s green
ones.
“No,” Lexa said, offering the omega a shy smile. “I don’t see why we shouldn’t do something
about your pain when there is something we can do.”
“Okay, okay, sure. A bath would be great,” Raven said, and in seconds Lexa was calling Lana
inside. Soon their bath was ready, and Lexa was standing from the bed in all her naked glory, to
pick Raven up.
“I’ll be gentle,” Lexa said, making sure to lift the omega as carefully as she could, trying not to
jostle her around as she took her to the bathroom.
Lexa lowered Raven into the hot water before getting in herself, grabbing a cup of tea Lana had left
for Raven on a chair by the tub, and offering it to the omega.
“This thing is wonderful, you know?” Raven said, blowing at the tea before drinking it. Lexa
smiled, wrapping her arms around Raven’s waist and resting her head on the omega’s shoulder.
“It is, I use it when my shoulder is bothering me and it makes it feel a lot better. I know your injury
is more delicate than mine so I ordered my healers to make it particularly strong, that’s why it
makes you so sleepy. If you took it the way I take it, you wouldn’t feel so sleepy after,” Lexa said,
breathing Raven’s scent in deeply. They were in bed together all day, their scents had become one,
and Raven couldn’t stop taking it in either.
“You haven’t let Abby check out your shoulder, have you?” Raven asked, turning to look at Lexa
with an arched eyebrow.
“No, but I did allow Jackson to check my shoulder when he was here keeping track of my
recovery. He explained that I would need surgery to make my shoulder better, that the recovery
process would take about 4 to 6 weeks and that I would need physical therapy after. And he
mentioned that even if my shoulder would be more stable afterward, that the pain probably
wouldn’t go away. I can’t allow myself to be incapacitated for no reason,” Lexa explained. Raven
turned around fully to look at Lexa in the eye, sitting on the alpha’s lap comfortably and doing
what she could to not spill her tea.
“You think having a surgery that would keep your shoulder from dislocating every two seconds is
the same thing as incapacitating yourself for no reason?” Raven asked, disbelief coloring her tone.
“I know it's not the same, but my people wouldn’t see it that way. I would be showing weakness by
getting my arm immobilized by such a procedure,” Lexa said, looking at Raven with a pleading
gaze. Raven softened her facial expression and leaned in to rest her forehead against Lexa’s.
“Yeah, I understand. I’m sorry, I sometimes forget that your people are idiots,” Raven said leaning
in to press a soft kiss to Lexa’s lips. The omega pulled back to finish her tea, placing the empty cup
on the chair before leaning forwards to rest her weight against Lexa’s chest, her head comfortably
leaning on the alpha’s shoulder.
Lexa took that chance to wrap her arms around the omega’s waist, massaging her lower back gently
as she applied pressure with her fingers.
“That feels nice, thank you,” Raven whispered, placing soft kisses over Lexa’s collarbones before
closing her eyes.
“No need for thanks, Ray, I’m happy to do this for you,” Lexa said, leaning her head against
Raven’s. The omega sighed contently, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s torso as she allowed
herself to breathe in the alpha’s scent. “I want to thank you for today, for being there for me… I
know that your anger came from being concerned and afraid of something happening to me and…
it’s been a long time since anyone cared that much about me… so... I just… thank you, Raven. I
can’t explain how much I appreciate having you by my side.”
Raven wrapped herself even tighter around the Commander’s body, her smile so wide that she was
sure the Commander could feel it as it pressed against the side of her neck.
“In all honesty, I was angry because you were being stupid,” Raven tried to tease, the rockets going
off in her stomach making themselves known and making it impossible for Raven to ignore them.
Lexa let out a quiet snort, looking down at Raven with that tiny smile of hers. At the sight, the
rockets in Raven’s stomach went fucking wild, Raven was sure they were exploding. “And I
honestly would have gone trigger happy on everyone in that arena if that asshole had managed to
get his hands on you.”
“I know, I believe you. Thank you,” Lexa whispered, leaning down to press a tender kiss on
Raven’s lips. Her mouth was smooth and warm, gentle as it enveloped Raven’s bottom lip between
her own. Lexa’s lips felt like a bonfire on a cold winter night, they felt fresh like cool raindrops on
a spring morning and soft like the snowflakes that came with the beginning of winter. More
importantly, they felt like moonlight, like the light that shone brightly in the darkness, the light that
kept people from getting lost, from losing hope… Somehow, those lips made Raven feel ignited
and calm, they made her feel like she was spinning out of control but always tethered to the ground.
She felt exhilarated, euphoric and so fucking alive, but at the same time, she felt so impossibly
serene… Raven couldn’t explain it, but she didn’t need to… all she needed to do was kiss Lexa
back. So, she did. “Thank you, Raven, thank you so much.”
And what could Raven do... other than kiss her again? The omega pressed her chest flush against
Lexa’s, feeling as the Commander continued to knead at her lower back. Raven cupped the edge of
the alpha’s jaw, tracing the sharp bone with her thumb as she attempted to kiss Lexa with the same
gentleness that had been offered to her. Raven didn’t know if she had managed to do just that, but
she tried. There was nothing else to think of, nothing else to worry about. There was only that kiss.
Everything was okay.
……………………………….
Raven woke up dry and warm, already lying down in Lexa’s furs.
“I’m sorry, I tried getting you into a sweatshirt but I couldn’t manage that without waking you up,”
Lexa said, an apology written all over her face as she handed Raven the sweatshirt.
“Why a sweatshirt though?” Raven asked sleepily, looking down to see that Lexa had managed to
get her into some underwear and that she had rubbed the healing oils all over Raven’s hip and leg.
“I thought you liked me better shirtless,” Raven said, putting the shirt on regardless of what she had
said.
“What?” Lexa asked, thrown off by the question. “Yes- I mean, no- I mean, I like you with or
without a shirt.”
Raven laughed at the flustered alpha as she laid back down against the pillows.
“You are too sweet sometimes,” Raven said, lifting the furs so the Commander could get under
them with her.
“I feel like you do that on purpose,” Lexa said as she laid down, stretching her arm out so Raven
could tuck herself against the alpha’s side.
“Do what?” Raven said, hiding her smile against the alpha’s chest, she knew exactly what Lexa
was referring to.
“Make me uncomfortable,” Lexa said, placing a soft kiss on Raven’s forehead before simply
leaving her head to rest against the omega’s.
“I do, you are always so composed. It’s really cute to see you all flustered,” Raven said, pressing a
kiss right over Lexa’s sun tattoo. The Commander grumbled half-heartedly, tightening her hold
around the omega’s body.
Raven stayed there, thinking about how angry and how afraid she had felt that same morning, and
about how happy she had been as soon as the Commander won. She thought about their day
together, their bath, and when she finally managed to fully relax and get ready to sleep, she
realized that there was one part of the puzzle missing. There was something she did not know.
“Why did the Sangeda Ambassador challenge you?” Raven asked. The Commander had been
drawing little circles on Raven’s back, but at the question she seemed to go very still, recovering
after a moment to continue her motions.
“They want to force the Conclave, they believe a younger Commander will be more willing to cave
under their wishes,” Lexa said then, her tone slightly stiff.
“Yeah, I understand that. What I mean is that he must have accused you of something, he must
have had something on you to feel like he had the right to challenge you,” Raven explained, feeling
Lexa’s body tense up under her own.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, I won the duel,” Lexa said, her voice short and sharp. She didn’t want
to talk about it and Raven didn’t understand why.
“Lexa, you just promised me you would do better and just now you are doing the exact same
thing,” Raven said, feeling the warm flame of anger stir in the center of her chest.
“I don’t mean to break my promise, I just fear your reaction. I don’t want anything to harm what
we have. I feel like you knowing this would do just that. It would harm us, and that possibility is
frightening to me,” Lexa said, her tone had changed, it had become quiet and hesitant, her fear
almost tangible in the air.
“Come on, trust me a little more than that. I’m sure I can handle it,” Raven said, sitting up in bed
and prompting Lexa to do the same, leaving them to face each other. Raven reached out and held
Lexa’s hands in her own, brushing her thumbs over the back of her hands. “Hey, it’s okay. It’ll be
fine.” Lexa took a deep breath and let it out slowly, Raven could almost see the weight of the
world falling over her shoulders.
“The Ambassadors of the Coalition believe that I’m showing the Skaikru privilege, that I am
allowing your people more than they deserve, that I am showing preference,” Lexa said slowly, her
face concerned, her eyes shying away from Raven’s. “They think I’m putting Skaikru’s needs
above the needs of the entire Coalition. It wasn’t a coup, as at least half of the Ambassadors didn’t
agree, but the Sangeda Ambassador had enough supporters to feel like he could issue a challenge.”
“And how exactly have you been showing preference to us?” Raven asked, her voice hanging
between the edge of disbelief and fury.
“They think the Mountain’s resources should be split among the Clans equally. I disagreed, your
people destroyed the Mountain, so the land and the resources that lie within should be yours.
There’s also Clarke, the Mountain Slayer, Wanheda… she has become a symbol for my people, a
symbol that equals mine in strength and power. I don’t know if you have heard, but Clarke’s
presence has been requested several times and she has refused to come. The reason for the request
is that no one should be superior… no one should be more powerful or stronger than the
Commander. Clarke accomplished something that I couldn’t do, which makes me look weak next
to her. The Ambassador’s solution to this is for me to take Clarke’s power, by killing her, or that
Clarke surrenders that power on her own, by bowing to me…” Lexa explained slowly, knowing
that Raven would reach the right conclusions on her own.
“But you can’t kill her because doing that while Skaikru is part of the Coalition would be a
betrayal and an act of war, and Clarke would never bow to you after what happened at the
Mountain,” Raven explained, watching Lexa nod in response with a resigned expression on her
face.
“Yes, I do not wish to kill Clarke either way. I have been able to manage the situation, to go around
the fact that she has refused to come and bow to me, but it’s been more than a year now. Without a
threat to keep the Coalition together the people get restless, notice things that otherwise would go
overlooked,” Lexa said, letting out a long, tired sigh. Raven offered her an understanding smile and
brushed her fingers against her knuckles, trying to soothe the alpha’s worries.
“But after all this time… why are they bringing it up now?” Raven asked, frowning to herself when
Lexa looked away. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m sure I will understand, you can be sure I will be
helping you with the Clarke issue as soon as I make it back to Arkadia. I will drag her here myself
if I have to and I will throw her stupid ass right in front of your throne, you can be sure of that.”
“With time our relationship has become more evident...” the Commander said and Raven felt a
cold hand grip her heart and pull viciously.
No. No no no no no. No.
“... the ambassadors have correctly assumed that you are a person of importance to me and that you
are not just someone I’m intimate with. They think that my refusal to force your people to have the
Mountain’s resources equally split, and that my refusal to kill Clarke comes from your request.
They think that you asked me to not do those things and that I complied because I am weak for you
and because I’m trying to secure your future. Ideas like those were only deepened by the help we
offered your Clan during winter, they think I was being particularly insistent, and they think the
reason behind that is that I wanted to keep you safe,” Lexa said quietly, slowly, she could see the
effect her words had on the omega, and Raven knew she didn’t like what she was seeing. The sheer
horror and desperation in Raven’s face, the disbelief, and the fear.
“I have never talked to you about any of that!” Raven said, her voice loud and desperate. She knew
Lexa didn’t deserve to be spoken to in such a way, but she was too terrified to try and control her
voice. “I have never requested anything!”
“I know, Raven. It is my fault… they think it is not a coincidence that I’m showing ‘preference’
towards the Skaikru and that the only person I have allowed in my bed in the past four years is a
Skaikru Omega. Maybe if I had forced myself to be intimate with others this wouldn’t be
happening… I’m sorry, Raven,” Lexa whispered, looking away from the omega’s eyes. Raven was
shaking uncontrollably; the Commander had been challenged to fight to the death because of
Raven. The Ambassadors assuming that the omega was using the Commander’s feelings towards
her to manipulate her for the benefit of the Sky People.
“No, this is not your fault. Your Ambassadors are idiots, that’s all,” Raven said, swallowing hard
as she leaned forward to tuck herself against the alpha’s chest, hoping that the feeling of the
Commander’s strong arms around her would calm the tremors that continued to assault her body.
“Are you angry with me?” Lexa asked quietly, tucking her chin against Raven’s shoulder as she
tightened her hold around the omega’s back.
“No, Lex,” Raven sighed, her voice sad and weak as she pressed soft kisses over the side of the
alpha’s face. “You have done nothing wrong. I know you are not showing us any privilege, you are
treating us like you would treat the rest of your people because that’s what we are. I’m not angry, I
just feel… I don’t even know how to explain it, thinking that you could have gotten killed because
of me-”
“Not because of you, Ray,” Lexa said earnestly, pulling back to hold Raven’s face in her hands.
“They will always use whatever excuse they can find to try and remove me from power, especially
now that the Mountain, the threat that kept us together, is gone. Please, don’t feel bad about this,”
Lexa said as she leaned in to press a gentle kiss on Raven’s forehead.
“I’ll try,” Raven whispered as they laid back down, the omega holding tight onto Lexa’s chest, not
wanting to let go.
………………
Raven tried, she really did, but she failed. She laid there, with her head resting on the Commander’s
chest, feeling the alpha’s breathing even out and deepen. Her mind never stopped spinning, her
thoughts getting as loud as they possibly could.
They had used her to hurt the Commander, to threaten her position. They had used her to try to kill
Lexa. They had used their relationship and twisted it however they had wanted to, making it sound
like she was manipulating Lexa, using her for the benefit of her people. Raven had always known
that losing Lexa was a possibility, she had accepted the risk of it, she had accepted the pain that
would come if that ever happened, but she could have never imagined that she could be the reason
behind Lexa’s death. That she could be made a threat, a weapon; that she could be used to hurt
Lexa like that. That thought had never crossed Raven’s mind, but the Ambassadors had made it
possible. They had grabbed their relationship, poisoned it, used it to their advantage. They had used
it to make Lexa look weak, to outlaw her judgment and question her decisions.
Raven tried, she tried really hard, but she could not find it in herself to not feel bad about it, to not
feel guilty. If she didn’t exist in the Commander’s life, the Heda probably would have never had to
face that duel. If she didn’t exist in the Commander’s life the Ambassadors wouldn’t be
questioning her decisions, accusing her of being weak, accusing her of being played and toyed with
by a Skaikru girl.
“Ray, it’s going to be morning soon. Try to sleep, please,” Lexa murmured, tilting her head down
to press kisses over the top of the omega’s head and letting her hand massage her back with gentle
circles.
“I need to leave, Lexa,” Raven said, cold and detached. She didn’t know how death sounded like,
but it had to be something similar to the sound of her voice.
“Leave? You said you were going to stay until my birthday,” Lexa said, Raven could sense the
frown in her voice as she sat up, putting some distance between their bodies as the Commander
moved to mimic her position.
“I said a lot of things, I was being foolish and irrational. We can’t keep seeing each other,” Raven
said as she turned on the bed to give her back to Lexa, putting on her pants and reaching for her
brace.
“Raven,” Lexa’s voice audibly cracked and she had to clear her throat before she could continue
talking. “What does that mean?”
“It means that this has to be over! You don’t get to keep going to Skaikru just to see me, I don’t get
to come here just to visit you, if at all. We have to stop!” Raven said as she stood up, avoiding
Lexa’s eyes as she reached for her bag and started violently throwing her clothes inside.
“Raven, but just a few days ago you said you would come to visit more often,” Lexa said weakly,
shyly, so clearly scared of what she was hearing.
“Aren’t you listening to me?!” Raven said, sharply turning around and throwing her bag to the
floor in the process, making Lexa wince with her violent reaction. “We can’t keep doing this, we
won’t. I’ll go back to my people; you will stay here with your people and we will not see each
other again. I won’t let them use me against you ever again!”
“You told me you wouldn’t let this happen, you told me that you wouldn’t let reality take you
away from me. You said you were going to let me take you to see the ocean, you said that-”
“The ocean, Lexa?” Raven said, her voice dripping with disbelief. “You barely lived to see another
day today. You had to fight in single combat because your Ambassadors think that I’m
manipulating you, that I’m making you weak, and you are fucking thinking about the ocean?”
Raven watched Lexa’s bottom lip wobble, twin tears falling from her eyes and rolling rapidly down
her cheeks, hanging on the tip of her chin before they fell to the floor. Raven knew she was being
cruel, that Lexa didn’t deserve it, but she felt sick and horrified, she felt angry, she was in pain and
the only thing she could do was lash out at the only person that didn’t deserve it.
“Everything you told me, all the things you said… they were all lies, then?” Lexa asked, not even
bothering to wipe away her tears, her hands were shaking too much, she wouldn’t manage to do
anything with them.
“I’m doing this to protect you, they won’t be able to use me to make you look weak ever again,”
Raven said, trying to convince Lexa, to make her see that that was the right thing to do.
“I don’t need your protection, Raven!” Lexa snapped, her voice getting loud for the first time since
their conversation had started. “I don’t need to be protected; I can’t be protected. Today you were
their excuse to question my decisions, tomorrow they will find something else. I don’t need your
protection, I need you.” Her voice had become a desperate plea, her eyes were begging Raven to
stay, to see that there was nothing she could do to protect her, that the only thing she could do was
stay and be there for Lexa so they could face whatever danger that came towards them, together.
“I can’t control what excuse they will choose to use against you next, but I can do everything in my
power so that they don’t use me against you ever again. They won’t be able to say I’m
manipulating you for my people’s benefit. They won’t be able to say I’m influencing your
decisions. They can’t do that if I’m not here, if they see there’s no form of communication between
us. I can’t handle this, Lexa, I am supposed to be your friend, I’m supposed to help you and
support you… I can’t deal with being used as a threat to you. Today they went and challenged you
to fight in single combat, tomorrow they might just kill you for showing favor towards my people,
and the only thing that supports that statement is our relationship. I can’t allow that. I can’t,” Raven
said, a few tears of her own falling down her cheeks. She lifted a hand and pressed it against her
temple, applying pressure as she tried to alleviate the pain that bloomed in the back of her eyes.
“No form of communication…” Lexa repeated slowly, Raven could see that she barely understood
the words that were coming out of her mouth. She could see the panic and the pain as they clouded
the alpha’s eyes, dripping down her cheeks faster with every second that passed.
“The letters, the packages you send me… All of that needs to stop. We can use the radio, but only
if you are sure no one here is listening,” Raven said, her last statement sounding stupid to her own
ears. In Polis there was always someone listening.
“Raven, please, don’t do this…” Lexa whispered, her voice cracking with every word. By that
point her cheeks were completely soaked, the front of her shirt slightly wet with her tears. Raven
could see how her chest heaved with every single breath, how each gulp of air made her wince as if
her lungs were burning.
“Don’t make this harder than it already is. I’m doing this to protect you.” Raven’s words tasted like
poison in her mouth, she felt like she was dying a little bit each time they went past her teeth and
met Lexa’s ears.
“If you are doing this to protect me, then why do I feel like you are breaking me?” Lexa said,
sounding as dead as Raven felt. Her face was pale, her lips completely lacking color as the white of
her eyes were flooded by the black of her burst capillaries. Raven would never forget seeing Lexa
like that, her posture slouched as her shoulders fell forwards, her body visibly attempting to curl up
in a failed try to protect her heart.
If Raven had to pick the sound her heart made as it broke, she would choose those words. The
words Lexa had used, without meaning to, to bury a knife in the center of Raven’s chest.
Why do I feel like you are breaking me?
“I’m trying to keep you safe,” Raven insisted, daring to move forwards and cup the Commander’s
cheek with the palm of her hand. “One day you will see that.”
“All I can see is that you are hurting me, senselessly and without reason,” Lexa said, closing her
eyes as she leaned her head more firmly against Raven’s touch, only to grip the omega’s wrist and
remove her hand from her face. Raven swallowed hard, feeling the knife in her chest bury itself a
little bit deeper. “I will speak to Marcus, request his rover so you might be taken back to your
people as soon as possible. I will send someone up here so you eat something before you leave,”
Lexa said, letting go of Raven’s hand so she could wipe away the tears on her cheeks. Raven could
only watch silently as the alpha put her pants and her cloak on, composing herself as best as she
could before leaving the room.
As the door closed Raven fell to her knees, a heart-wrenching sob ripping her chest in half. She felt
the blade of the knife buried in her chest twist painfully in her insides. She recognized the pain for
what it was, a pain she had felt before. The pain that came from losing someone she loves.
A laugh broke through the sobs, filling the air around her with irony. How fitting it was for her to
realize she was in love with Lexa, right when she had broken both of their hearts.
“Raven…” the omega heard Lana’s soft voice as the handmaiden came inside the room, the young
girl was quick to kneel by her side and wrap her arms around Raven’s shoulders.
“You take care of her for me, okay? Her birthday is next week, could you get her some of those
pastries she likes from the markets? Could you tell her happy birthday?” Raven asked, gripping
Lana’s hand tight in her own. The handmaiden didn’t mention how no one really knew when
Commander Lexa had been born, or how their people didn’t celebrate birthdays, she just nodded
quickly, grabbing a soft cloth to wipe away the omega’s tears.
“I will. Have some of this tea. It will help calm you down,” Lana said, blowing on the steaming
cup she had brought in on a wooden tray, and offering it to Raven.
The omega swallowed all the contents of the cup in a couple of gulps, ignoring the burn in her
tongue.
“I can’t eat, Lana… It’ll make me sick,” Raven mumbled, resting her head on her knees as she felt
Lana’s soft hands rub her back tenderly.
“Please try, Heda will worry if she finds you left with an empty stomach. I will finish packing your
things.”
Raven did her best, but by the time she finished she had only managed to eat only a third of the
plate. Lana took the leftovers away and came back to help Raven onto the bed. Only moments later
the Commander was coming back into the room, she was completely composed, back straight as
she held a fairly large wooden trunk in one hand.
She laid the trunk on the bed beside Raven and opened it so the omega could look inside.
“Everything here should keep you comfortable during the spring and summer months. There are
two rain jackets, they have large hoods and are a few sizes bigger so you can comfortably wear
clothes underneath. There’s a pair of leather boots as well, none of these items are fully waterproof,
but they should protect you from the rain for some time before the fabric starts absorbing the
water. The glass vials are the oils I used to massage your back and leg, I placed several of them in
here and they should last for quite a few months if you don’t use them in excess. The pouch is
filled with the herbs, leaves, and roots necessary to make the tea, they are already mixed so all you
need to do is drop some of it into a pot of water and let it boil until it turns a dark purple color.
There are several sleeveless shirts and short-sleeved shirts as well as a couple of pants made with
considerably thinner fabrics, they should keep you cool enough during the summer months. I also
got you a waterskin and a few balms that should help keep your skin and lips hydrated, there’s also
one that works well for minor sunburns, anything worse than that your people should be able to
handle,” Lexa paused for a moment to take a deep breath, her eyes never moving away from the
inside of the trunk. “I packed a couple of books that I found in the Polis library, most of them
related to astronomy or astrophysics, others are works of fiction that have to do with space
adventures or space travel. Finally, I packed an unfinished wooden model of a rocket that I planned
on giving you in the next couple of days.” Lexa closed the trunk with a blunt crack that made
Raven wince, she hadn’t been able to even see half of the things the Commander had mentioned
with how fast the alpha had spoken. “The rover is ready, Marcus’ guards will take you back to
your territory and come back here. I have provided enough food for the trip. Reach out to Marcus
when you arrive at Arkadia. My guards will escort you to the rover.”
“Lex-”
“Guards!” the Commander called out, cutting Raven off before the omega could finish speaking.
The two alphas that were always standing by the doors came inside, one of them moving closer to
pick up the trunk and Raven’s bags. The Commander took a step away from Raven, both arms
crossing behind her back as she tilted her chin up. “Goodbye, Raven.”
“I guess, this is goodbye, then,” Raven said, and Lexa, with the stars in her eyes and a soft smile
on her lips, shook her head.
“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting,” the
Commander said and Raven looked up at her, head tilted to the side, those words seemed oddly
familiar.
“I think I have heard that before, have I?”
“It is from a book, Peter Pan, it is Aden’s favorite,” Lexa said, smiling slightly at the mention of
the young Nightblood.
“I didn’t think they would be allowed to hear stories like those,” Raven said, eyebrows arched and
mouth slightly agape in surprise.
“What Titus doesn’t know will not ail him. The Nightbloods deserve to have at least a small part of
their innocence preserved.”
“I agree. Let’s not say goodbye then, never.”
“Never. I will be longing to see you, Raven, be safe.”
“You too,” Raven said as she wrapped her arms around the Commander’ shoulders, holding her
tight to her chest and feeling the Commander’s arms curl around her waist and squeeze gently,
head leaned sideways against Raven’s. “Go now before I make you late.”
Lexa only nodded in response, leaning back just so she could place a soft kiss to Raven’s cheek.
Before Raven could return the gesture, the Commander was already on her way to the door. Raven
thought about stopping her, making her turn back, but she knew that if she did, she would never let
her leave.
Raven blinked the memory away from the back of her eyes, electrifying pain shooting down her
spine as soon as she opened her mouth to respond.
“Goodbye, Commander.” Raven looked away as soon as she could, stepping towards the door. The
pieces of her shattered heart staying on the floor by Lexa’s feet.
………………….
“Rae, hey,” Octavia said. She had been standing by the gate waiting for Raven after being notified
of her arrival.
“O…” Raven whispered hoarsely, practically falling on her friend as she leaned in for a hug.
Octavia hugged her as tightly as she could, supporting Raven’s weight with her body. The
Mechanic stunk of sadness and pain, making Octavia frown in concern.
“Rae, what’s wrong? What happened?”
“I’ll tell you later, I need to talk to Clarke. Do you know where she is?” Raven asked as she pulled
back, rubbing her swollen eyes with the heel of her hands.
“Probably the medbay… Let’s go, I’ll walk you there,” Octavia said before turning to Miller, who
was taking Raven’s stuff out of the rover. “Would you mind taking all of that to her room?”
“No, it’s okay, I’ve got it,” Miller said, shooting Octavia a concerned look before glancing at
Raven.
“Thanks. Let’s go, Rae,” Octavia said, tugging at her friend’s sleeve to take her to the medbay.
When they arrived, they found Clarke in Abby’s office, looking through some files in her mother’s
tablet. Raven went in without announcing herself, but the sound of the door was enough to make
Clarke turn to look at them. The blonde ran her eyes up and down Raven’s body, a knowing glint
shining in her blue gaze.
“I see she fucked you over already,” Clarke said, one shoulder rising in a half shrug. “Told you so.”
Before Octavia could react, Raven was throwing herself at the blonde, pushing her hard against the
metal door with an arm pressed tight against her windpipe. The tablet in Clarke’s hand fell to the
floor, the screen shattering with the sound of broken glass.
“Shut up you stupid fuck! You will go to Polis and you will bow to Lexa, do you hear me?” Raven
asked, feeling Octavia pull at her shoulder to try and pull her off of the blonde.
“Rae, fuck! Stop that!” Octavia said, only making Raven push more of her weight against Clarke’s
throat.
“What will you do if I don’t? Kill me?” Clarke let out a breathless chuckle. “Go on, I couldn’t care
less.”
“What’s the meaning of this?!” Abby exclaimed from the doorway. Distracting Raven just enough
so Octavia could pull her away from the blonde.
“The meaning of this is that Lexa got challenged to fight to death, again , because of us. And part
of the reason behind that is that Clarke has been refusing to go to Polis and bow to her!” Raven
said, her voice loud and angry as she pointed an accusing finger at the blonde. “It’s been too
fucking long, get the fuck over it and go do what you need to do!”
Abby pinched the bridge of her nose with a tired sigh, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath
without saying anything.
“As far as Marcus told us I’m not the only reason why Lexa got challenged,” Clarke snapped, a
hand reaching to hold her sore throat. “They think that you are influencing her decisions, so don’t
come here to accuse me of anything!”
“I did my fucking part, okay!? I came here, I left her! Now go and do yours!” Raven said, her voice
growing louder and louder as her eyes started to water.
“Fuck,” Octavia whispered softly in shock.
“Raven, you did what?” Abby exclaimed, her eyes widening, her face going pale.
“I left her, I abandoned her, I told her that what we had needed to end so I wouldn’t make her look
weak anymore. So please, force your dick of a daughter to do her part, and settle some kind of
arrangement about the Mountain’s resources before someone simply decides to kill Lexa in her
fucking sleep! We all know the Clans hate us, the only person that’s keeping them from coming
for us is Lexa, we can’t let anything happen to her. So please, Abby, I’m begging you, go to Polis,
do something about the Mountain and make sure Clarke bows to Lexa once and for all,” Raven
begged, tears streaming down her cheeks. The Doctor moved forwards and wrapped the omega in a
warm embrace, holding the back of Raven’s head against her shoulder and rubbing gentle circles
on her back. “Do what you can to make sure she is safe, please Abby, I’m begging you!”
“It’s okay, Raven. We will do everything in our power to make sure she is safe, I promise you,”
Abby said, hearing Raven’s sobs get louder and louder as her body started to shake. “Shh, Raven,
it’s okay. We will do everything we can. I promise you.” Upon seeing that her words did nothing
for Raven, Abby gave her daughter a meaningful look. Clarke quickly understood and left the
office, only to come back a few seconds later with a syringe in her hand.
The blonde let the needle sink on the back of Raven’s shoulder, watching as her sobs quickly
subsided and her body went limp in Abby’s embrace. The Doctor tightened her grip around
Raven’s body, making sure to keep her neck steady as she told Octavia to get a guard from outside.
The omega came back moments later with her brother. Bellamy quickly picked Raven up, holding
her carefully and looking up at Abby for instructions.
“Come with me, let’s get her into a bed,” Abby said, guiding Bellamy to a private room and
watching him lower Raven down carefully.
“Mom-”
“Pack your bags, Clarke. I want you to be ready to leave early in the morning. Bellamy, round up
the Council, we will have an urgent meeting in the council room in 15 minutes. Octavia, I will
send a nurse in to check on Raven, stay with her,” Abby ordered. Bellamy nodded and left. Octavia
pulled a chair by Raven’s bedside and sat down, taking her friend’s hand in her own.
“Mom-”
“I don’t want to hear another word, Clarke. I should have taken you to Polis myself months ago.
Whatever grudge you are still holding against the Commander won’t threaten the stability of the
Coalition. Go pack your bags or I’ll have a guard pack them for you,” Abby snapped, not even
turning to look at her daughter as she grabbed a soft blanket and draped it gently over Raven’s
body.
The blonde let her mouth fall shut, clenching her jaw and leaving the room.
“The sedative should keep her out for a couple of hours, if I am not back by the time she starts
waking up, reach out to me,” Abby said, giving Octavia’s shoulder a soft squeeze before leaving
the room.
Octavia watched her sleeping friend with a concerned expression on her face. She moved her hands
towards Raven’s face and very gently, very carefully, wiped her tears away.
“You are in a lot of pain, aren’t you?” Octavia whispered, tugging the blankets up and tucking
them under her friend’s chin. “We will find a way to fix this, I promise, Rae. We will fix this.”
Chapter End Notes
I'm sooorryyyyyyyyyy!!! Please, don't kill me. I know it was a hard chapter to read,
but we all know that they are going to end up together, just bare with me until we get
there. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm dragging this or that it is going too slow, I like
taking my time with things and I really want them to be at a certain place emotionally
before I have them throwing the L bomb around. In this chapter we have Raven
realizing her feelings and we will keep going forwards from there. I would understand
if you are getting tired of me being so slow though, and I respect that. If the fact that
we are 13 chapters in and that they haven't come clean about their feelings is
something that makes you feel like you should stop reading then that's okay, I'll be sad
to see you go but I would understand.
Also, I hope you aren't too dissapointed by the fight scene, or the lack of fight scene, I
would say. I just wanted to show how far Lexa would go to make sure Raven is okay.
She did what Raven asked her to do, even if that might have made her look bad, and
she did that because she knew that Raven was having an awful time with the whole
duel thing. If you find it sucks too much though, I guess I could go and re write it if
you want? Let me know what you think in the comments.
What do you think will happen next chapter? And I really hope you enjoyed this even
if it ended on a bad note. This story has a happy ending guys, don't worry. Trust me!!
Also, with me spending so much time at home and neglecting my actual job I find
myself writing really quickly, so if you don't insult me too much in the comments you
can expect another update by next week, two weeks tops. Hope that makes everything
that happened on this chapter a little bit better.

Chapter 14
Chapter Notes
Hey guys!! You did not kill me in the comments!! You were so wonderful even if I
know what happened was so hard to read. Thank you, a lot, I got some of the best
comments ever on last chapter and I’m really happy you liked it. I have been busier
than usual this week so I didn’t have much time to answer the comments, but I will try
to answer them slowly over the next couple of days. I just wanted to say thank you, I
had never gotten so many comments in a chapter before, it did wonders to my
motivation, which resulted in this massive chapter.
I considered splitting it, but I won’t be able to update as fast in the next couple of
weeks, so I just decided to post this massive chapter so you have something to read
during the wait. It’s 39 pages long so maybe you can read a bit and take a break, or
something like that.
Anyway, just wanted to say thank you, your comments made me really happy. I wanna
do nothing but write this all day, and that’s thanks to you and your awesome feedback.
I wanna give you all a hug and I hope you are all safe.
Costia makes an appearance in this chapter, I imagine her as Adelaide Kane, but if you
don’t like her much you can imagine her however you prefer.
This goes to the people that didn’t like what happened last chapter: I’m really sorry if
you didn’t like how things turned out last chapter, I know it was probably the minority
that didn’t like it, but still. I’m sorry about that and I understand if you don’t feel like
reading this anymore.
All mistakes are my own, you know I suck at editing but I did my best.
Hope you like this chapter and really hope to see you in the comments,
Thank you for reading!!!!
“I’m starting to think that you care more about Raven than about me,” Clarke said, her gaze lost as
she looked past the Rover’s window and towards the trees outside.
“Clarke, please…” Abby said, turning to look at her daughter with concern on her features. “I
shielded you from this for as long as I could. We can’t afford the instability that would come from
Commander Lexa’s death, we can’t just assume her successor will be able to stop the other Clans
from coming for us. It has become evident that supporting her rule is the best we can do for our
people.”
“And you are willing to force me to humiliate myself in the name of peace,” Clarke stated, nothing
but poison and anger in her voice.
“I would assume that that is a decision you would understand. Our people are scared, Clarke, we
need the grounders, or at least our neighboring Clans to be our allies and I know that’s not
something I need to explain to you,” Abby said gently, watching Clarke nod softly. “If I could keep
you from doing this, I would. I did keep you from doing this for more than a year, I did what I
could, but now we need to make sure our people are safe.”
“I know, I just… She broke my heart, mom,” Clarke said, turning to look at Abby with moist blue
eyes.
“What?” Abby asked, all her thoughts about the Commander and Raven becoming a mess in her
head.
“Lexa and I… something was going on between us before the Mountain. She wanted me, she
showed me she wanted me, but I wasn’t ready. I thought that after the Mountain, when things were
better, she and I could be an us... but she left me there and I was forced to do what I did,” Clarke
said, a lonely tear slipping down her cheek.
“Is that why you kept getting those packages from Polis?” Abby asked quietly.
“Yes, she has been trying to make up for what she did, I suppose. I just haven’t been very receptive
to it because I can’t find it in myself to forgive her, and now, doing this… She betrayed me and
now I have to swear my loyalty to her,” Clarke shook her head, the anger and the familiar feeling
of betrayal flooding her body.
“I understand, darling, and I’m sorry I can no longer keep you from doing this,” Abby said, taking
her daughter’s hand in her own. “I understand things better now that you have told me what was
happening with the Commander back then. Is there any part of you that still wants something with
her?”
“Why?” Clarke asked. Her blue eyes fixed on her mother’s concerned gaze.
“Because if the answer is yes... I’m afraid that’s no longer a possibility,” Abby said, trying to be as
honest as she could. “She might have wanted you back then, but I don’t think she feels the same
way right now. If being with her was something that you still wanted after the betrayal, maybe
things with her should have been handled differently… I think you haven’t been able to make
peace with what happened at the Mountain, and you have every right to deal with that on your own
time… I just feel that it might be too late to try to go back to what you had with her before the
Mountain.”
Clarke looked away, her body shaking with tension. She didn’t say anything but Abby could see
her anger simmering under the surface of her skin.
“I just don’t want you to get hurt again, Clarke,” Abby said with a sigh. She knew well how Lexa
felt and she knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault. She couldn’t blame Lexa for falling for Raven, and she
couldn’t blame Raven for falling in love with the Commander either. They loved each other, that
was a reality, and Abby couldn’t go against it because her daughter may or may not still hold
feelings for the Commander.
Abby also didn’t find surprising that the Commander had left Clarke at the bottom of the Mountain
to save her people, she knew well what the Commander had done with the Ice Nation after they
murdered her past lover, how she had accepted them into her alliance despite what they had done.
She knew Lexa would never be able to put her loved ones first, Raven knew that as well, and she
had fallen in love with the Commander regardless of that. Maybe they were a better fit. Raven was
also a lot less burdened than Clarke in terms of duty and leadership…
Clarke didn’t say anything else, her eyes fixed on the window, and Abby couldn’t help but let her
mind drift in the possibilities.
…………………….
Lexa was sitting on her throne listening to the never-ending arguing of her Ambassadors when one
of the guards came in and requested permission to speak to her. Lexa gave him a court nod and
watched as the man walked quickly towards her, bending at the waist to whisper something in her
ear.
“The leader of the Skaikru just arrived, Heda. Chancellor Abby Griffin is here, along with her
daughter, with Wanheda.”
Lexa’s face showed no expression, her mind briefly moving to Raven and what she had said before
leaving, how she would force Clarke to go to Polis if necessary. She stood up from her throne and
raised her hand, the Ambassador’s instantly going quiet.
“The leaders of Skaikru have arrived to speak to me of an urgent matter. Marcus, you may stay.
The rest of you, leave us!” The Commander ordered, leaving no room for the discussion, she
accompanied her words with a harsh pump of alpha pheromones that had the rest of the
Ambassadors moving out of the Throne Room in a couple of seconds. “I was talking to you too,
Titus,” Lexa said, not even bothering to turn to look at him as she sat back down.
“Heda, I beg you to reconsider,” the Flamekeeper said, resulting in the Commander finally turning
to look at him.
“Out, Titus,” She hissed, fixing him with a violent glare that had him bowing and leaving the room
within a few seconds.
Lexa glanced at the guard by the door and gave him a nod, he easily understood and opened the
door so Abby and Clarke would move inside.
“Commander, it is a pleasure to see you again,” Abby said, offering the alpha a small smile and a
nod.
“Likewise, Chancellor. To what do I owe the unannounced visit?” Lexa asked, blankly looking at
the Doctor, her eyes unseeing and aching to close. She was too exhausted and too furious to deal
with Clarke, and she didn’t know how she would react if she was subjected to deal with the
blonde’s foul attitude.
“I informed them of what happened a few days ago Commander, of the challenge and the reasons
behind it,” Marcus interrupted, stepping closer to Abby and placing a supportive hand on her
shoulder. “The last thing we want is to threaten your position.”
“I know Clarke might disagree with that,” Lexa said, letting her gaze land on the blonde. She was
visibly seething with fury, and seeing it only make Lexa want to laugh, she would have managed a
cynical smile, but she respected Abby and Marcus too much to let it show.
Before Clarke could say anything, Abby stepped in, taking away her daughter’s opportunity to
speak.
“We weren’t expecting things to get this complicated. We trust your ability to keep the Coalition
together and we intended to only help strengthen the alliance you were able to build. Our Council
has reached the conclusion that making some sacrifices to keep the peace is worth it, as you know,
we try to maintain a democracy, Clarke’s disagreement was overrun by the vote of the rest of the
Council, the rest of the members are willing to do what’s necessary to maintain a peaceful
relationship with the rest of the clans. I can’t ensure that we will agree to everything that the other
clans want regarding the Mountain, but we are open to having that conversation,” Abby said,
receiving a court nod from the Commander.
“You are willing to negotiate the Mountain’s resources?” the Commander asked, looking down at
Abby with a slightly arched eyebrow.
“We are, yes,” Abby responded.
“And you are aware that I find such negotiations unnecessary, that I am conscious of the fact that
you are the destroyers of the Mountain, and that by doing so you are the legitimate owners of its
resources and land?” The Commander said, her tone flat and matter of fact, lazily waving her hand
around to make her point. Marcus turned to look at her with wide eyes, he had not known that part.
“Yes, I was informed of your position. However, I feel like our willingness to partake in such
negotiations when the rest of the clans have no right over the Mountain or its resources will send a
good message. Even with the military equipment the Mountain has, we are greatly outnumbered by
your people and we do not wish to waste any more lives, of our already small population, over a
pointless war,” Abby stated clearly, receiving an understanding nod from the Commander.
“In such negotiations, I would not be able to defend you or to side by you. I see no reason why
Clans such as Sangeda, should have a say on what happens to the land or the resources, as they
were not affected by the Mountain in the way that the Ice Nation, the Woods Clan, and the Shallow
Valley Clan were affected. In your try for peace, you should not let the other Clans take what’s
rightfully yours. Negotiate all you want, but don’t let them take things for the sake of it. I united
the Clans with the hopes that our united strength would be able to take down the Mountain and I
was able to get my people out of there, but your people destroyed it. Make sure to not let the rest of
the Clans forget that once we are negotiating,” Lexa said, she needed to remain neutral during the
negotiations, and she needed to make sure the Skaikru knew she wouldn’t be able to vouch for
them, they needed to take care of themselves.
“Thank you, Commander. We appreciate your council. Besides the negotiations, Clarke will also
be bowing to you in a show of our loyalty to the Coalition. I am not exactly sure what protocols
need to be followed, but we would like to get it done as soon as possible as we must return to
Arkadia,” Abby said and Lexa maintained her blank expression, glancing briefly at Clarke with
disinterest before looking back at Abby.
“Very well, we will have it done this evening. You will be able to sleep, eat, rest and get back to
your people early next morning. I will speak to Titus so he makes sure everything is ready,” Lexa
said as she stood from her throne.
“I would like to have a word with you, in private, if it’s possible,” Abby said, looking at the
Commander with a knowing look in her eyes.
“Me too,” Clarke interrupted, receiving a glare from her mother.
“Very well. Chancellor, tell the guard outside to escort you to my bed chambers, I will meet you
there shortly. Marcus, step outside so I might speak with Clarke,” Lexa ordered, walking down the
few steps from her throne and towards where the Skaikru were standing.
“Of course, Commander.” Marcus placed a hand on Abby’s shoulder and walked her outside,
leaving the Commander alone with Clarke.
Seconds went by in silence. None of them said a word. Lexa only stood there; arms crossed behind
her back as she stared back at Clarke.
“I would never bow to you,” Clarke finally said. “I’m only here because I’m being forced.”
“Not by me, long ago I gave you the freedom to do whatever you wanted and your actions finally
had the consequences you desired. You refused to come here for months, I respected it and was
seen as weak for it. Two days ago I could have died because of it. Your people are the ones forcing
you to do this, not me. Bow, don’t bow, I could not care less,” Lexa said plainly, a bored
expression on her face as Clarke’s eyes widened and her brow was furrowed with rage.
“Then say something! If you don’t care then speak on it, you have the power to stop this, to keep
me from humiliating myself and from doing something I don’t wish to do. Talk to my mother and
stop this!” Clarke demanded.
“No, looking after your ego is not my problem, Clarke. I have spent months trying to keep you
from this, respecting the fact that you did not care about the issues that could arise with your
refusal. I understand you didn’t care and I understand why that is. I understand you are hurt and I
have been doing my best to make up for the pain I caused you, none of it meant anything to you.
And in the end, you got what you wanted. My life was threatened and the one thing I love more
than anything was taken away from me, you must be very satisfied.” Lexa didn’t bother to show
Clarke how upset and angry she was, she looked at the person in front of her with vacant eyes,
realizing she felt nothing, that everything she had belonged to one person, to Raven.
“The one thing you love more than…” Clarke trailed off, repeating the words to herself as she felt
her heart fall to her stomach. A sickening feeling rushed from the center of her chest and spread to
the rest of her body, down to her toes and to the very tips of her hair.
“Bow to me, don’t bow… I couldn’t possibly care less. If you don’t want to do it go and ask one of
my guards for a horse and leave my city. I’m done fighting for you to be okay and happy. Do
whatever you want, I won’t speak to your mother, so don’t come here to make your problems my
own because I don’t have the time for it. Leave, don’t bow, take your revenge and kill me, I don’t
care. You can’t hurt me anymore; you don’t have that power and you could never make me feel
worse than I already feel. Now, I must go speak to your mother, the guard by the door will know to
have the horse ready for you. Goodbye, Clarke,” Lexa said, not giving the blonde a second glance
before she walked towards the door.
Clarke stood there alone; her feet frozen to the floor. Her body was startled by the sound of the
door closing. At that moment, she realized that her mother was right, that whatever she had had
with Lexa was in the past, and whatever Clarke had dared to imagine for them in the future had
ceased to exist.
And that was what she had wanted, right?
………………….
During her short walk to her bed chambers, Lexa was struck by the sight of her, of Costia. She
looked beautiful as always, long brown hair barely braided at all as she stood in the middle of the
corridor in her training armor. During the past two days, Lexa had only seen flashes of her, none of
them as clear and as real as the one standing in front of her. Lexa watched as the woman’s plump
and pink lips shifted into a smile, blinking back at her with her light brown eyes. Her lily-white
skin flushed at the cheeks under Lexa’s heavy stare. She had never looked so alive. Lexa’s throat
went dry, her sight blurring with tears.
“Costia?” She whispered; her voice too low for anyone to hear her.
“Heda?” the warrior that had been guarding her asked from behind her. He had almost crashed
against the Commander’s back when she suddenly stopped walking.
Lexa was startled out of her daze, she blinked and Costia was no longer there. She didn’t respond
to the warrior but continued to walk to her bed chambers, entering and closing the door behind
herself. She found Abby sitting on one of the sofas, the woman standing up at her arrival.
“You might remain seated, Chancellor,” Lexa said, as she walked towards Abby and sat on a chair
in front of her, leaving a small table between the two of them.
“I just wanted to know how you were doing. I hope I’m not overstepping. I know here you don’t
have people to share this sort of thing with, but you can do it with me as you have in the past, and I
won’t see you differently,” Abby said, giving the Commander a gentle look, watching as the mask
fell slowly, watching as the Commander allowed her rigid posture to crumble so she could fall back
against the chair, looking as exhausted as humanly possible.
“I am not well. I feel angry, betrayed, disappointed and sad. I didn’t know I could feel so many
things at once. But that’s not on her, this is on me, I should have never allowed things to get this
far.”
“Would you really take it all back if you could?” Abby asked, already knowing what the answer
would be. Lexa let out a long sigh and shook her head.
“No, I wouldn’t,” the Commander said, closing her eyes and covering her face with her hands for a
few seconds. She hadn’t slept since Raven had left; she was too tired to function.
“She hasn’t left her room since she got to Arkadia… I just want you to know that this wasn’t an
easy decision for her and that she was only doing what she thought was best for you-”
“She didn’t listen to me! I tried to tell her they would use whatever they could to hurt me… Now
they used her, tomorrow they will use something else, but she didn’t listen!” Lexa snapped, getting
angrier by the minute.
“How would you feel if someone used you to murder the one you love? How would you feel if
every day of your life you had to live knowing that you could have kept them safe if you just
stayed away? That they would be here if you had let them go in time…” Abby trailed off, she
knew about the Commander’s past lover, she knew that experience made her words cruel,
unbearable to hear.
“Please, stop…” Lexa weakly, clutching her eyes shut when she saw Costia filter cross her vision
once more. She covered her eyes with her hands as well, doing what she could to avoid seeing her.
“I know you have a deep sense of how that feels like, I know you went through it yourself. And
you must have tried to push her away at some point, you must have,” Abby said gently, she was
afraid of pushing too hard, she didn’t know the Commander enough to know exactly when she was
crossing a line.
“I know why Raven did it, I understand it. That just doesn’t make it hurt less, and she always said
she would be there for me, she repeated it so much that I started to believe it. Because of that…
when she left… I just… I don’t know how to deal with this pain. I’m hurt and angry and I don’t
know how to stop it,” Lexa said, frustration and pain coloring her tone. She uncovered her face and
looked up at Abby, green eyes shining with wetness and framed by dark-colored circles.
“You shouldn’t stop it. I think you have the right to feel that way, with time it will get better, right
now everything is too recent. The last thing I want is for Raven to continue suffering the way she is
suffering right now. I have seen the happiness that being around you brings her, and if to make sure
she is happy I have to do my best to make sure the Coalition is stable and your position as our
leader is strong, then I see that as a win for all of us,” Abby said, giving the Commander a smile,
and watching as the alpha’s eyes widened slightly.
“I had assumed that you didn’t trust me, that you found my people’s ways barbaric, wrong…” Lexa
said, her voice laced with surprise and confusion.
“I do find your people’s ways barbaric and harsh, but I think it was very easy for us to judge when
we knew nothing about your people’s history. Now I know that the Commanders before you would
have declared war on us when Finn massacred 18 people in that village, that they would have
accepted no deal or alliance when seeing invaders in their lands, they would have just sent their
armies to clear us out…” Abby then hesitated, knowing that what she would say next was a very
delicate and dangerous thing to say. “Commander’s before you wouldn’t have entertained the idea
of having a ‘broken’ omega as their own-” A low growl ripped through the Commander’s throat,
she tightened her fists and looked at Abby with a seething glare.
“Raven is not broken!” Lexa sneered, the veins in her neck bulging and pulsing with her fury.
“I know, but some of your predecessors might have disagreed. Things have become easier to
understand with time and having Lincoln living with us has helped as well. I know what the Ice
Nation did to you and I know that was more than enough reason to declare war, but you didn’t,
because you value peace and your people’s lives more than anything…” Abby breathed in deep,
leaning back in her seat and waiting for the Commander to calm down. “What means most to me is
what I have seen, it’s the way you behave around her, the way you treat her, the things you are
willing to do for her. Behavior matters, and when it comes to respect and kindness most of the
alphas in my clan could take lessons from you. I know you would treat her well and because of
that... I trust you.”
“That is very meaningful to me, I appreciate it, thank you,” Lexa said softly, offering Abby a small
nod.
“I know you must feel very alone here, I know your people don’t treat you like a human being that
has needs just like everyone else, but you must know by now that we don’t see things like that. We
know that even if you are the Commander you still need support, kindness, respect, consideration,
friendship, love, just like everyone else… Your people see it as weakness, we see it as humanity.
Some of the people in Arkadia might still be very hostile towards you, but when it comes to
Marcus and me, we support you, and even if we are not in your clan, we would like to offer our
help in whatever you might need. I know I don’t spend much time here, but you still have the radio
Raven left you and it reaches every radio in Arkadia, not just Raven’s. Use it if you need to, okay?”
Abby finished speaking, giving the Commander a warm look and a gentle smile. She watched the
Commander open and close her mouth, once, twice and then three times, trying to figure out what
to say and finding no words were coming out of her mouth.
“I don’t know what to say… Thank you,” Lexa said then, a lonely tear escaping from the tight grip
she had on her emotions.
“Don’t thank me, we weren’t thinking about the consequences our actions could have on your
position and now you and Raven are paying for that, all I want is for things to get more stable so
you both can go back to the way things were. I understand you need time to make peace with
everything and forgive Raven, but I would like to believe that with time you will both heal from
this and move forwards.”
“Does that mean that if Raven and I ever had something more than friendship, you would support
it?” Lexa asked, her voice tentative and shy.
“I support it already. I just hope you both move from the insecurities and the issues that are
keeping you both from calling things for what they are. I feel like you moved out of the realm of
friendship months ago and have refused to call it that way. At least I know that you have been very
aware of how you feel and have consciously decided to not say anything, but I am not sure if
Raven is there yet,” Abby mentioned, a thoughtful look on your face.
“Does that mean that you believe it is possible for Raven to feel the same way about me?” Lexa
whispered quietly, barely able to maintain Abby’s gaze. The doctor arched her eyebrows and
looked back at Lexa with an unimpressed expression on her face.
“You cannot possibly be asking me that question,” Abby said, watching as an embarrassed flush
crawled up the Commander’s neck and settled high on her ears. “She hasn’t said it to me but I find
it evident enough, I think that her feelings for you changed quite some time ago, I’m not aware if
she has realized it or not, but I could see you two together in the future if you manage to move
forwards from this situation.”
“Thank you, I appreciate your approval,” Lexa said, feeling a small spark of hope bloom under the
thick layers of hurt and anger.
“Anything that brings Raven happiness is something that I will welcome. I just hope you can
forgive her for all the pain she’s putting you through,” Abby said with a worried frown on her face.
“I will eventually, things won’t be the way they used to, not right away at least. I feel like she
broke me, I feel she broke what we had and I don’t know how to fix it,” Lexa said honestly,
shaking her head as she looked away from Abby.
“I understand. Raven is a smart girl; I am sure she doesn’t expect you to act as nothing happened.
All I ask is for you to give her a chance, there are a lot of things she is trying to deal with and none
of it is easy,” Abby said, feeling very surprised when the Commander looked up at her with a sad
half-smile.
“Raven has my heart, Chancellor. She might have left me, hurt me, but still... I find that my love
has not wavered. I just want her back, I wouldn’t be able to deny her a chance even if I wanted to,”
Lexa said, her eyes light with honesty and sadness as she looked back at Abby.
“One day this will be a story for you two to laugh about, I’m sure of it,” Abby said as she stood up
to leave.
“I hope so,” Lexa said as she offered the Doctor her arm, Abby took it, holding onto Lexa’s
forearm in typical grounder fashion before walking towards the door.
“Don’t forget to reach out if you need anything,” Abby said, not waiting for a response before
closing the door behind herself.
…………………
Later that evening, Clarke bowed to Lexa in front of all the Ambassadors, she swore her loyalty to
the Commander and to the Coalition and didn’t utter any other word before the ceremony was
over. Lexa didn’t say much of anything either, letting Titus do all the talking for her and only
giving Clarke the okay to stand up when everything was said and done. After that, they didn’t talk,
Clarke was busy avoiding to look in the Commander’s direction, and Lexa was busy being too
disinterested to care.
The alpha made sure Abby and Clarke were fed and did her best so they would have good
accommodations to sleep in before moving to her quarters. Lana had prepared a bath for her, the
water just like she liked it and the oils flooding the room with a relaxing scent. The handmaiden
took the time to wash the alpha’s hair, being gentle when massaging her scalp and neck and taking
the time to rub the skin of her back clean with a soft cloth.
Lana sat behind the Commander on the bed, combing her hair gently and being careful not to tug
too hard when she found a particularly stubborn knot. She took her time to run her fingers down
Lexa’s rich brunette hair before putting it in a simple braid, making sure it wouldn’t get messy
while she slept.
Lexa went through all the motions quietly, in autopilot, having followed similar routines with Lana
before. She knew she was capable of bathing herself and taking care of herself, but Lana always
seemed to know when she needed to have someone else step in and take care of her, instead of the
other way around. On days like those, Lana didn’t need to be told or asked what to do, she would
just pull Lexa through the motions and she would do her best so the Commander would be well fed
and comfortable. That night the Handmaiden offered the Commander a cup of tea, specially
brewed by the healers to force the Commander to sleep, after having spent almost 48 hours without
being able to properly rest.
“Thank you, Lana,” the Commander whispered once she was already lying down under the furs.
“It is my pleasure, Heda,” Lana said with a smile, moving around the room to blow out some of the
candles. “Rest well.”
…………………..
Soon enough Lana noticed that the tea did make the Commander sleep, but it didn’t do anything to
keep the nightmares away. The Heda would fall asleep, become restless within a couple of hours to
finally wake up panicked or screaming. Lana was glad that no one else slept on the Commander’s
floor, and that the only ones that were there to hear her screams were her most trusted guards, men
and women that were loyal to the Commander, that had gone to war with her and that had seen with
their own eyes the things that the Commander had had to face.
Every night it was the same, the tea would make her sleep, the nightmares would wake her up, and
with every day that passed the Commander would be more worn and exhausted. The bits of hope
that had bloomed in her chest evaporating between insomnia and the night terrors. Lana barely left
the Commander’s side, seeing that in her exhaustion the alpha would forget things, seeing that her
mood was increasingly becoming more and more unstable. Lana was also smart enough to know
that the Commander couldn’t possibly attend fight training in such a state, she constantly lost focus
and would need to be reminded of things, so each day she would make up a new excuse. Lana was
surprised when Titus actually started supporting her instead of telling her off for what she was
doing.
Silently, they both reached an agreement, they would cover for the Commander, they would steer
her away from difficult situations and they would diffuse uncomfortable questions. Titus also made
sure to speak with the healers every day, he had them working around the clock so they would find
a solution, but during the three days after Abby and Clarke left the capital, they couldn’t find
anything that would rid the Commander of her awful dreams.
Lana had wanted to reach out to the Skaikru healer, but she didn’t know where the Commander had
saved her radio after Raven’s departure. She had turned the Commander’s room upside down in her
attempts to find it and had come out empty-handed.
All she could do was make sure the Commander stayed as safe and comfortable as possible until
they traveled to Skaikru to talk about the Mountain, maybe then she would be able to speak with
the Skaikru healer and find something that would make the Heda better. She only hoped nobody
would take advantage of the Commander's state. Lana had to be more vigilant than ever and she
would do her best so the Heda would be okay until she could find her proper help.
There were only a couple of days left before they departed towards Arkadia and Lana could only
hope the Commander condition wouldn’t get worse. Just a few more days left, just a few more
days...
………………….
“My love…” the young girl whispered, wrapping her arms around Lexa’s waist and pressing her
face between her shoulder blades. “You have gotten so tall in the last few years.”
“Not too tall, I just have a few inches on you now,” Lexa said with a small smile, turning in the
arms of her first love so she was able to face her. “You look just as beautiful as the last time I saw
you.” Costia had the most stunning pair of light brown eyes Lexa had ever seen, their color almost
hazel when the light hit them just right, a ring of honey surrounding the pupil.
“Are we going to ignore the fact that you shouldn’t be seeing me at all?” Costia said, arching a
perfect eyebrow playfully as she cupped Lexa’s face in her hands. “You grow thin, my love, you
need to sleep.”
“I’m not keeping myself up on purpose, Cos. You have been here to see what happens every time I
manage to sleep… My hand went through you last time I tried to touch you, why can I feel you
now?” Lexa asked, changing the subject as she tilted her head down to rest her forehead against
Costia’s, her hand brushing gently the girl’s cheek and moving to the side so her fingertips could
sink into brunette hair. It was much darker than Lexa’s, rich and glossy like the finest wood. “You
smell just like I remember, lilac and pine.”
“No one is supposed to go this long without sleeping, my love. Maybe as the days continue to pass
this… whatever this is… will get stronger, as your mind becomes more fragile…” Costia
whispered, taking a step closer to wrap her body around Lexa’s, holding her close and tight. “Lana
is already worried, Titus can see that something is off, soon enough the Ambassadors will notice
and you won’t be able to win any duels in the state you are in.”
“That’s okay, I want to see you. You were always true to me and I grow tired of having to miss you
when I don’t have to-”
“Don’t speak like that, Leksa,” Costia said, pulling back to stare up at the Commander with an
angry frown on her face, her fury making her accent flare in a lovely way that made Lexa smile.
“You need to live, you need to live for yourself, for me, for both of us.”
“But I don’t want to!” Lexa snapped, her voice was loud and broken as her hands clenched in the
fabric of Costia’s shirt. She pulled the younger girl back towards her chest, hugging her as tight as
she could, fearing that she would disappear. “I want to go with you, let me go with you, please.
You are the only person that has truly ever loved me, wanted me… I have already fulfilled my role
as Commander, I brought our people peace, any of my Nightbloods can maintain that peace. I am
sure of it. Let me come with you, please.”
“Leksa… if you do anything to purposely throw your life away, I will never forgive you,” Costia
said seriously, looking deeply into Lexa’s eyes with her blue ones.
“I don’t need your forgiveness; I just need to know… will you still love me?” Lexa asked, seeing
the answer written all over Costia’s face when the young girl looked away. “Come on, tell me that
you wouldn’t love me anymore.”
“You know I can’t do that,” Costia said, leaning in to press a kiss to the side of Lexa’s jaw. “I
wouldn’t lie to you like that.”
“That’s all I need; I can take your anger if I will be receiving your love. I’ll take it if I just get to be
around you. I’m tired, Cos, I’m tired of being strong, I’m tired of being hurt, lied to, betrayed by
people and just having to take it and move forwards. I’m so tired of everything,” Lexa whispered,
her voice cracking as she tilted her head down, letting her forehead rest on Costia’s shoulder.
“She is just doing what she believes is best for you, hurting you was the last thing she wanted. I
know it, and so do you,” Costia said strongly, massaging the back of Lexa’s head with her
fingertips.
“Knowing that doesn’t make things hurt any less. She told me things… and I believed her, only for
her to go against all of it!” Lexa pushed her face against Costia’s neck, letting her tears run freely as
she tried to get her breathing under control. “I know this is what love brings, love breaks things;
love kills, destroys; love does nothing but take away and leave people with nothing. All my life I
was taught that love is weakness, and still, I let myself keep falling over and over again, only for
life to keep reminding me that Titus' teachings were right all along.”
“Leksa, please, you know better than that,” Costia said, sounding slightly upset to Lexa’s ears.
“Raven’s actions were guided by fear, she was afraid for your life. She was afraid of putting you in
danger and she had all the right to be with how the Ambassadors used her against you. You saw
her, she was horrified to hear that the Ambassadors thought your decisions were guided by her
manipulation. You are wise, my love, you know she probably thought she was saving you by
leaving, by taking away the Ambassador’s chance of using her against you.”
“I don’t feel saved, Cos. I feel shattered, fragmented. I feel like she left and she took my heart with
her, leaving me with a gaping wound that does nothing but bleed and bleed. Soon I will have
nothing else to give…” Lexa mumbled, feeling as Costia’s arms tightened around her waist.
“Find a way to patch it up, find a way to stop the bleeding until you begin to heal. Go to the
orphanage and play with the kids, go for a hunt, run around the forest every single morning, take a
swim in the lake, get a new horse and train it. Do things you love doing and you will see how
living is not as awful as it feels right now. And please Leksa, try to sleep. Every day I’m more
present, I’m more solid, more real, and I shouldn’t be here, you know that as well as I do,” Costia
said, pulling back to cup Lexa’s cheeks in her hands and wiping away the tears in her cheeks.
“I’m not choosing to stay awake; I try every night, you know that!” Lexa said, pulling back a little
more violently than she would have liked to. “I have tried everything our healers have to offer and
nothing has worked.”
“You could have talked to the Skaikru healer when she came here with her daughter two days
ago,” Costia said, looking back at Lexa with her arms crossed over her chest and her chin tilted up
in challenge.
“Two days ago, I didn’t know I would get to this point, I will talk to her once I travel to Skaikru to
establish the new deal concerning the Mountain,” Lexa said, and before Costia could respond
someone knocked on the Commander’s door. “Come in!” Lexa exclaimed, only for Lana to come
inside a few seconds later.
“Breakfast, Heda,” Lana said, a frown firmly placed on her face as she looked up at the Heda with
her own set of exhausted eyes. Lexa hadn’t been able to sleep properly in the past five nights, the
first two nights she hadn’t been able to sleep at all, but during the last three she had had nightmares
and her screaming had woken up her handmaiden. “I gathered everything you like, Heda,” the
young girl said with a tentative smile.
“She’s really trying to help, Lexa. She also must feel very frustrated and helpless because her
attempts to help you haven’t had any effects. Please, try to eat something just to make her feel
better,” Costia begged, tugging at the sleeve of Lexa’s coat and looking at her with pleading eyes.
“Thank you, Lana,” Lexa said as she took the plate, offering the Handmaiden a small smile, “the
food looks wonderful.” Her stomach revolted at the sight of it but she needed to do what she could
to make Lana feel better, there was no reason for her to suffer over Lexa’s problems.
“It is my pleasure, Heda,” Lana offered, moving her weight awkwardly from foot to foot before
speaking again. “May I offer to keep you company, Heda?”
“Say yes, say yes,” Costia insisted, squeezing at Lexa’s shoulder. “She doesn’t know how to help
you, she’s afraid of overstepping, but she cares about you and I know you want to be on your own,
but maybe that’s not what you need right now.”
“Of course, Lana, I would appreciate your company very much,” Lexa said with a smile as she sat
down to eat.
“Take advantage of the education Lana has gotten for growing up inside this tower. Ask her to read
to you, just as I would after you had a bad day. It will make you feel better, I promise,” Costia said,
sitting down on the table by Lexa’s side. Lexa couldn’t respond to any of it, she couldn’t allow for
Lana to see her talking to empty space, so she nodded mutely and turned her head towards the
young girl.
“Lana, would you mind reading for me while I eat?” Lexa asked, watching the girl nod quickly
with wide eyes.
“Yes, Heda- I mean, no Heda, I would not mind. I’d be pleased to read for you,” Lana said tugging
at the hem of her sleeve with an anxious hand.
“Thank you, you might pick up my book. It is on the small table next to my bed, the page I’m on is
marked. You will know when you see it.” Lexa watched Lana pick up the book and move to sit by
Lexa’s side. If Costia was actually there she would be sitting directly in front of the handmaiden.
“Try to calm her down, you can see she is a little nervous. She’s probably exhausted and hasn’t
read in some time, reassure her that she’s been good to you and that she won’t be making a fool of
herself,” Costia said, letting one of her hands rest on top of Lexa’s.
“I want to thank you for everything you have been doing for me during the last couple of days,
Lana. I know I have been difficult and that you must be very tired. I appreciate what you are doing,
and please, I know you are an excellent reader, but try to go very slowly, it helps me understand.”
Lexa felt Costia squeeze her hand and she could see her smiling from the corner of her eye.
“You have not been difficult, Heda,” Lana said, and Lexa could see that she meant it, but she knew
it was a lie.
She couldn’t sleep and when her body actually collapsed from exhaustion, she would wake up only
a couple of hours later screaming. Her appetite was completely gone, making Lana come and go
with untouched plates of food. When she did eat, her stomach would revolt quickly after. Because
of that, Lana had ended up cleaning up vomit more than once over the last couple of days. Her
behavior had also changed when Costia started appearing, at first Lexa would only see her briefly,
she would be there one second and gone the next, leaving Lexa staring into space more than once,
or freezing suddenly while she was walking, training, or talking. That sort of behavior had Lana
concerned, which resulted in the Handmaiden hovering around Lexa more than she usually did.
“I have, and I know my temper has not been the best and that sometimes I have spoken to you very
harshly. You don’t deserve that and I am sorry,” Lexa said honestly, trying to keep her eyes on
Lana even when her shame was making her want to look away. The lack of sleep was troubling her
mind and her humor, and Lana was the last person that deserved to fall victim to that.
“Please Heda, do not apologize to me. Serving you makes me happy, and I can see that you are
unwell. I would not blame you for your actions, not when I know they come from pain,” Lana said,
offering the Commander a small smile.
“I should not use you as a vessel for my pain, it is unfair. I will try to do better. You might begin
reading,” Lexa said, even if she knew she wouldn’t be able to focus or to understand anything that
came out of Lana’s mouth.
Insomnia barely allowed Lexa to make sense of her own thoughts, she was often confused and
every day she relied more and more on other people to fulfill her duty. On Titus to deal with the
Ambassadors, on her most trusted generals to train the Nightbloods, on her advisors and her
warriors. She tended to stay silent, letting someone else speak for her when something as natural as
speaking had become one of the most draining experiences of her life. She found herself speaking
slowly and without energy, her words sometimes slurring without her control. She was starting to
be too tired to function, which led to her not saying a word when some of the Ambassadors insisted
on going to Arkadia with her to negotiate about the Mountain with the Skaikru. Agreeing was
easier than trying to fight them on it and she couldn’t focus enough to find arguments to dissuade
them from their decision of being present during the negotiations as well.
Just as she predicted, by the time she finished eating and Lana finished reading she had no idea
what the handmaiden had said, and she was sure she would need to restart the book altogether, she
couldn’t think about what the book was about, her mind was just completely blank.
“Lana, in two days we will be going to Skaikru, I wish for you to come with me,” Lexa said,
moving her eyes from Costia’s gorgeous face to Lana’s.
“Yes, Heda. You told me the same yesterday, the trip is tomorrow morning,” Lana said, looking
back at the Commander with concern.
Was the trip tomorrow? Lexa couldn’t be sure. When had she met with the Ambassadors?
Yesterday? The day before? She wasn’t sure but she knew she could trust Lana.
“Of course, make sure to take one of my horses for yourself, I know Titus doesn’t like it but send
him to me if he says anything to you.”
“You spoke with the Flamekeeper last night about me using one of your warhorses to travel, he
opposed but you already made sure to go against him,” Lana said, the worried frown on her face
deepening. Lexa could not recall that conversation.
“Maybe it would be best for you to stay quiet, my love,” Costia whispered quietly in Lexa’s ear.
Lexa hadn’t seen her move, but the girl was suddenly standing behind her, arms curled loosely
around Lexa’s neck as she pressed kisses to the side of her face from behind. “You are giving
yourself away and only making Lana worry more.”
“Of course, I must have forgotten. I will go fulfill my duties, I appreciated the company, thank
you,” Lexa said, standing up and walking away before the handmaiden could respond.
…………………..
They were in Polis, in Lexa’s bed and all Raven knew was that it was close to sunrise or sunset, for
the room was bathed in pretty yellow light. She was in one of her favorite positions, curled up on
Lexa’s side with her head resting on the Commander’s shoulder, allowing her eyes to trace her long
neck, the edge of her perfect jaw and the side of her face.
“I can feel you looking, Ray,” the Commander whispered lightly, her head lolling to the side so she
could press a kiss on Raven’s forehead.
“I’m not at fault for your freaky grounder senses, and it’s not my fault you are so beautiful either,”
Raven said with a smile, leaning closer to pepper kisses all over the alpha’s jaw.
“My senses have nothing to do with this, your gaze is strong and intense, I can always feel you
looking,” Lexa said with a smile, opening her eyes to look into Raven’s beautiful ones.
“I’m going to take that as a compliment,” Raven whispered, her hand tracing the Commander’s
sculpted abs, her thumb pressing over tight obliques before she moved up, fingertips fluttering over
a sensitive breastbone before her hand moved to knead over a firm breast.
“It was,” the Commander said, her mouth tilting up into a smile when she noticed where Raven’s
hand had wandered to. “You never get tired of this, do you?”
“Never, though I can stop if you can’t keep up,” Raven whispered teasingly, staring up at the
Commander with a smirk on her face. “It’s not my fault you are so beautiful and sexy, I feel like if
you sucked in bed I wouldn’t want this as much as I do, but you are amazing so what can I do
besides throwing myself at you at any given opportunity?”
Lexa suddenly rolled them over, leaving Raven flat on her back while she settled between the
omega’s thighs.
“You know keeping up won’t be a problem,” Lexa whispered as she leaned her head down to press
a searing kiss on Raven’s lips. “And you know that when it comes to beauty, I can’t compare to
you.”
Her lips moved down Raven’s neck and just as they had started to suck on her very sensitive breast,
Lexa was yanked violently away from her. Raven’s eyes opened wide only to find herself in her
room in Arkadia, Octavia staring down at her with Raven’s blankets in hand.
“Fuck off, O!” Raven grumbled, angry and annoyed as she buried herself deeper against her pillow,
holding the wooden rocket model tight to her chest. She didn’t understand what Lexa had meant
when she said it was unfinished, it looked so pretty, so perfect, and just looking at it made Raven
feel like crying.
“Rae, you have done nothing but sleep and cry the past five days. You need to get up and shower,
get back to work, just do something!” Octavia said, throwing the sheets on the ground with a
mildly disgusted look on her face.
“I am fine here, just let me sleep,” Raven grumbled, closing her eyes and rolling onto her side,
holding the rocket tight to herself.
“You are not fine, you are in no way okay, Raven,” Octavia said, sitting next to her friend on the
bed and placing a hand on her shoulder. “Come on, I’ll get the shower running for you.”
“No, you don’t understand, there’s still some of her scent on my skin. The moment I shower it will
be gone, I can’t lose that too, I can’t,” Raven whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks as she did
her best to hide her face against her pillows.
“Rae, you haven’t lost her. I’m sure you can fix things with her,” Octavia said, moving her hand to
rub circles on Raven’s back.
“You didn’t see the way she looked at me when I left, O. You didn’t see how broken and betrayed
she looked. I had just told her I wouldn’t let reality take me away from her and then I left. And the
worst part is that even if it's ripping me apart, I can’t find myself to regret it because I know she
will be safer like this. With me leaving her side the Ambassadors have one less thing to hold over
her head, they won’t be able to accuse her of being manipulated or toyed with. She is safer like
this, she is,” Raven insisted, sinking her nails on the wood of her rocket model and feeling her
chest ache with how hard she was trying to hold back her crying. “That just doesn’t make it hurt
any less.”
“If you are sure you made the right decision then own up to it, get up and live your life, make
peace with your choices,” Octavia said, too worried to attempt not to sound insensitive.
“If I’m sure…” Raven repeated, trying to make sense of Octavia’s words. “You think I made a
mistake?”
“It is really none of my business, Rae. I just want to get you out of this bed,” Octavia said, trying to
avoid giving her opinion on things.
“No, seriously,” Raven said, rolling over so she could face her friend properly. “I want to know
what you think.”
“Look, I do think that you leaving might have taken some heat off her back. Any decision she
makes regarding our people moving forward can’t be called a result of manipulation, and can’t be
blamed on the relationship you had with her. In that sense, you are saving her from being seen as
your toy, but I feel like Clarke kneeling to her and us agreeing to negotiate the Mountain’s
resources with them would have had the same effect. I feel like you could have used this to put the
Ambassadors in your pocket, you know? Maybe instead of leaving Lexa you could have stood in
front of them, told them that you would speak with the Council, push for negotiations about the
Mountain, push for Clarke to go to the capital, which was what you did…” Octavia trailed off,
watching as her words dawned on her friend slowly. “I just… I feel like you saved Lexa from one
threat, the threat of being seen as your pet when you could have stayed and helped her face this
threat and all the others that will keep coming at her. She is the Commander, without the Mountain
to make the clans see the necessity of the Coalition, maintaining the alliance will prove to be a
challenge, it’s already proving to be a challenge… You saved her today and by doing that you kind
of cut off the possibility of saving her later…”
“O… I just- I-” Raven covered her face with her hands, pressing the heel of her hands hard against
her eyes in frustration. “I couldn’t save my mother; I couldn’t save Finn… It doesn’t matter how
hard I try; I did everything I could for them both and they died anyway. And then Lexa… she got
challenged to death because of our relationship, that was something I could control, that was
something I could fix, by leaving I fixed it, I-”
“Rae,” Octavia interrupted, shushing her friend when she noticed she was getting progressively
more upset. “I’m not saying you made the wrong choice. Really, I’m no one to pass on judgment
regarding your decisions and your relationships. I’m just saying that the Commander will be
always dealing with one threat or another, by leaving her you saved her from one threat, but at the
same time, you left her on her own with all the others. I guess what I mean is... Maybe Lexa
doesn’t need to be saved, maybe what she needs is support, loyalty, friendship, someone that will
be there regardless of the risks. Saving her is something you can do Rae.”
“Because of my mom? Because of Finn? You think that because I failed at saving them that I will
also fail at saving Lexa?” Raven snapped, sounding angry and resentful.
“Fuck no, Rae! That’s not what I meant. We can’t control who lives and who dies. You are not a
god; you might do everything in your power and you might still lose her. As fucked up as it is,
that’s just the way life works… but if you are not there, if you are not by her side, you can’t even
try to help. I know by leaving you erased that threat from the root, but I feel like we could find a
way to go around that? I honestly have no idea, but we could think of something, we could find a
way for the Ambassadors to not see you as a threat to them but as an ally. The politics of that go
over my head, but we could figure something out, like that you don’t have to lose her,” Octavia
said, doing what she could to give her friend some hope.
“I don’t know, O,” Raven whispered, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin over
them. “I’m starting to feel like my love is a death sentence, everyone I have ever loved has ended
up dead. I feel like I’m like a curse or something, Lexa is dancing with death just by being with
me,” Raven said, her disheartened gaze lost somewhere in the grey wall in front of her bed.
“That’s just bullshit!” Octavia exclaimed strongly, looking at Raven angrily, “Are you even
hearing all the nonsense that’s coming out of your mouth right now?”
“Look at the facts!” Raven shouted, her eyes swollen and red as tears continued to spill down her
cheeks. “My mother is dead, Finn is dead, I have seen Lexa almost die three times in the time I
have known her. What do the three of them have in common? What did they have in common
besides me?”
“Well, Finn and your mother had incredibly high levels of idiocy under their belt. She was a
fucking drug addict and a drunk, Raven. He was just plain stupid and a murderer, he killed 18
people, children, older people, all because he was thinking with his fucking dick,” Octavia said,
not even trying to be delicate with her friend anymore. Raven’s words had just made her too
fucking angry. “Commander Lexa is the ruler of 13 different Nations , she forced peace into these
lands and she gained enemies along the way… Now, I beg you to tell me exactly how any of those
things relates to you.”
Raven looked away, unable to look at her friend anymore. It was too much for her to process and
even if Octavia was telling the truth she couldn’t quite make peace with it, not so soon.
“Look, Rae, you did not come to this world to be anybody’s savior. All we can do is try to help the
people we love and that is enough, sometimes people won’t be saved no matter what we do, like
your mom, like Finn… You couldn't save them from their decisions, you couldn’t save them from
themselves. You tried, but that’s not on you, Rae. I know you can’t just take my word for it but at
least try to think about it, okay?” Octavia said, her voice much gentler this time. “Come with me,
I’ll get the shower ready for you.”
“I already told you, I don’t want to lose Lexa’s-”
“Raven, I’m begging you… I have had the pleasure of sensing Commander Lexa’s scent and I can
assure you, she does not smell like this,” Octavia said, pulling Raven to her feet and holding her
around the waist. The Mechanic wasn’t wearing her brace, so she needed all the support she could
get.
“Hearing you say that is quite a surprise, didn’t you hate her guts?” Raven asked as she tried her
best to limp towards her bathroom.
“I have mixed feelings about her. I haven’t completely gotten rid of the idea that she’s a traitor but
I have seen how she treats you and well… I said I would try to like her for you, didn’t I? Besides,
the fact that I don’t trust her doesn’t make me blind, I know she’s hot,” Octavia said, rolling her
eyes at the smirk on Raven’s face.
“Hotter than Lincoln?” Raven said, arching one eyebrow as they entered the bathroom. She held
herself against the wall as Octavia turned the knobs, making sure the water was at a nice
temperature.
“Well, Lincoln is gorgeous but… he definitely doesn’t have Commander Lexa’s ass,” Octavia said,
turning to look at Raven with a small smile on her face. “He really doesn’t have this aura of power
that she carries around all the time, it is quite the turn on. As I said, I’m not blind. I can see why
you like her, I might not trust her, but the possibility of her stabbing us in the back doesn’t make
her less physically attractive.”
“And you haven’t even seen her naked yet,” Raven said, letting her mind wander to her most recent
dream and feeling the small smile on her face fall quickly. “She got a tattoo for me, you know,
right here,” Raven said as she pointed at the center of her chest. “And I just, I broke her-”
“Hey, shh, shh, stop that,” Octavia said, gathering Raven in her arms. “We will find a way to fix
this, you will be back in Polis fucking her at all hours of the day before you know it.”
“But what if she doesn’t forgive me? You didn’t see her, O, she could barely stand to look at me
before I left,” Raven whispered, her shoulders shaking with sobs as she let her weight fall against
her friend’s body.
“I know she will forgive you, but before you start thinking about that you need to pull yourself
together, Rae. You need to think about the choice you made and why you made it, and you need to
really figure out this savior complex thing you have going on. You told me really heavy stuff
today, and that’s something you can’t figure out from one conversation with me. You need to do
the work, figure yourself out before you try to approach the Commander again, okay?” Octavia
asked, pulling back just enough to hold Raven’s face in her hands and wipe her tears away.
“Okay. Thanks, O, really,” Raven said gratefully, offering her friend a shaky smile.
“Thank me by washing yourself really well, I’ll go change your sheets,” Octavia said, watching
Raven undress and making sure she was stable enough inside the shower before leaving the
bathroom.
“Raven, hello,” Abby said with a smile, walking towards the omega and wrapping her up in a soft
hug. “I’m glad to see Octavia managed to get you out the confines of your room.
“Yeah, I actually went to my workplace today, I sat there feeling sorry for myself, but at least I did
it out of my bed. That’s progress, right?” Raven said with a shrug of her shoulders. Abby gave her a
smile and nodded.
“Of course. Clarke and I came back from Polis a few days ago and I thought it would be
appropriate to let you know how things went,” Abby said as she walked around her desk to sit on
her chair.
“That’s great, I would appreciate that,” Raven said, sitting down as well.
“The Ambassadors assumed a very hostile position, asking why Clarke hadn’t gone to Polis sooner
and why she had continued to ignore the Commander’s orders. Thankfully, the Commander shut
down all of the questions and proceeded to have Clarke bow to her quickly after. Having such a
discussion with them would have been a very unpleasant experience, so I am glad the Commander
didn’t allow that conversation to get any further,” Abby explained, letting out an exhausted breath.
“The Commander was clearly not in a forgiving mood that day. She didn’t allow anyone to speak,
only Titus, who was conducting the event. It was over much faster than I expected it to. After that,
we agreed to negotiate the Mountain, which is really the whole reason why I asked you to come
here and speak to me-”
“Why? Did the Ambassadors say something about me while you were there?” Raven asked, her
eyes widening in panic.
“No, as I said, Lexa was obviously very furious, her sole presence in the room was enough to let
people know that talking would end up with the removal of their tongues. But we did agree on
negotiating the Mountain, so they will be coming here, they will arrive in two days,” Abby said,
watching Raven’s face drain of color.
“They as in...?” Raven asked, her voice covered in a thick layer of dread.
“The Commander, the Ambassadors, and Titus. We will hold several meetings with them and as a
member of the council-”
“Abby, I can’t be present! Are you completely insane? Lexa hates me!” Raven covered her face
with her hands, her shoulders falling forwards as she felt her chest start to tighten.
“Darling, she does not hate you,” Abby said softly, “I don’t think she could even if she tried, you
are her friend.”
“I left her, Abby. I told her I would be there for her and then I left! You didn’t see how she treated
me when I left, she could barely look at me!” Raven exclaimed, moving her arms around in panic
as her eyes started to water.
“When you left, the first thing she thought of doing was fill up a trunk with every single thing you
might need in the next few months, that does not speak of hate to me.” Abby smiled at Raven,
offering her an understanding smile. “You thought she would get killed because of you; I don’t
think there is a right way to take that. You did what you thought was best to protect her and I’m
sure that is something she will understand if you just try to talk to her.”
“Remember when we last spoke about Lexa? When you told me you were proud of me because I
had decided to stick by her side, and because I had accepted the pain of losing her,” Raven said,
avoiding Abby’s eyes for a moment, her eyes focused on the tablet on the Doctor’s desk.
“I do remember, why?” Abby asked, leaning forwards on her desk and resting the palm of her hand
above Raven’s.
“I have always known the possibility of Lexa dying is high. Her life consists of constant brushes
with death because of the nature of her position. I know it, I accepted it. And I chose to stay by her
side anyway, but then… then this happened and I ran away… I just don’t understand how is this
different from every other situation… Why this made me run away when I had been so resolute to
stay?” Raven asked worriedly, her confusion and her frustration obvious in her features. She could
barely make sense of her decisions, of her choices. She couldn’t make peace with leaving Lexa
even if some part of her did think it had been the right choice. But at the same time, Raven didn’t
think that making the right choice should feel so awful.
“I think the answer to that question is very simple,” Abby said, giving the Mechanic’s hand a soft
squeeze. “You know you did not run a sword between Lexa’s ribs, you know you did not make her
appendix rupture, but when it comes to Lexa being challenged… You saw it as your fault, your
doing. A cause and effect kind of relation. You being with Lexa lead to Lexa being accused of
making decisions in our favor, which led to her being seen as weak by her Ambassadors and
challenged. This wasn’t just another situation in which Lexa had another brush with death, this
time she had a brush with death because of you. And I can only imagine that would make all the
difference.”
“But that’s the truth, Lexa was challenged because of her relationship with me. I had to leave her so
she would be safe, so that they wouldn’t pin her decisions on my influence-”
“Raven, I need you to listen to me very clearly right now,” Abby said strongly, her voice serious
and fierce as she tightened her hold around Raven’s hand. “I’m going to ask you a question and I
need you to answer it honestly, okay?” Raven nodded her head slowly, her brown eyes locked with
Abby’s.
“Did you manipulate Commander Lexa into allowing our people to keep the Mountain and its
resources?” Abby asked, her eyes watching as Raven’s own widened in disbelief.
“What the fuck, Abby?!” Raven shouted, completely enraged. “Of course, I didn’t. Lexa and I
never talk politics. Never!”
“Then why was the challenge your fault?” Abby asked, throwing Raven off. The anger from
Raven’s face shifted to confusion, and she started sputtering, not knowing how to respond.
“Because the Ambassadors reached that conclusion from my relationship with Lexa,” Raven
managed to get out, struggling to properly form the sentence.
“Can you control what the Ambassadors think?” Abby asked, fixing her gaze on Raven and not
letting it waver. “Can you control the assumptions they make? Can you control the conclusions
they reach?”
“Abby-” Raven tried to say, but the Doctor interrupted her.
“It’s a yes/no question, can you control what the Ambassadors think? Yes or no?” Abby asked,
watching as Raven struggled to hold her gaze until the omega finally looked away. Abby stood
from her chair and rounded the table so she could kneel in front of Raven and hook her fingers
under her chin. “Raven, I asked you a question. Yes or no?”
“No…” Raven whispered, quietly. “I can’t control what they think.”
“You leaving… does it really guarantee that they will stop thinking we are manipulating the
Commander?” Abby asked and Raven sighed, her shoulders falling with the weight of her sorrow.
“I don’t know, I guess not. I don’t know…” Raven’s voice cracked, tears spilling quickly down her
cheeks. “I just wanted to keep her safe, I promise you that’s all I wanted. And I just… when she
told me our relationship was making her look weak, that that was the reason why she had been
challenged… I can’t handle being the reason why she is in danger, I can’t handle being the reason
behind her death. I just can’t. I can’t have another death hanging on my shoulders, Abby.”
“Raven…” Abby sighed, reaching up to hold the Mechanic’s face in her hands, brushing away the
tears on her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs. “You are not responsible for your mother’s death,
or for Finn’s. You did everything you could-”
“And it wasn’t enough!” Raven exclaimed, her voice loud and sharp as she pulled away from
Abby’s hold and stood up. “Nothing I do is ever enough, not for people to love me, not for people
to stay by my side. I always do everything I can and it means nothing, Abby!”
Abby let the silence hang in the air for a moment, watching Raven’s back as it shook from her
sobs. She didn’t approach the young omega; she wasn’t sure if her touch would be appreciated.
“When we went to retrieve your mother’s body from her room, do you know what was the first
thing that I heard?” Abby asked, not really expecting an answer. “I heard the words ‘I’m sorry,
mom. I’m sorry.’ You repeated them over and over again, and when I actually went inside to check
on the body, I saw you. You had cleaned up your mother as best as you could and you were leaning
over her, apologizing because you hadn’t been able to save her. You were apologizing to the
woman that chose a bottle over you every day of her life. I didn’t know you, I hardly ever went to
your station, but I remember that day so clearly because I knew that you probably would never get
over the trauma. I knew that you would never stop thinking about the things you could have done
differently, the things you could have done better. I knew that you would never stop thinking that
your mother’s death was on you. And I wasn’t wrong, because when we came down here the boy
you loved murdered 18 people, our original laws and the Coalition’s laws seemed to align for once.
Both laws stating that a crime such as murder needed to be paid with death, and somehow, you still
managed to blame Finn’s death on yourself…”
Raven didn’t say anything, she was barely managing to get a hold of herself. She curled her arms
around her body and squeezed at her arms, doing her best to try and hold the overwhelming amount
of feelings that threatened to rip through her chest.
“You can’t help those who won’t help themselves, Raven,” Abby said gently, placing both hands
on Raven’s shoulders. “And you don’t need to try to fix everything on your own.”
Raven turned around, letting herself fall against Abby’s chest.
“Commander Lexa is a very powerful woman, a person in her position can’t be protected and can’t
be saved by one human being. It is just not within your power, Raven. You can only do so much
and you need to make peace with that if you want to be in her life. It doesn’t matter how much you
want to protect her, how much you want to keep her safe, there’s no way to ensure that she will
live. She already has all the necessary measures in place and she is a very capable person, she won
the last duel, just like she won the one before that. You need to trust that she is doing everything
she can to keep herself safe,” Abby said as she held Raven tight against her body, rubbing
comforting circles on her back.
“I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, Abby. I don’t know how to stop these thoughts. Even
if what you are saying makes sense, I don’t know how to make peace with it, I just don’t know
what to do,” Raven said, pressing her tear-streaked face against Abby’s shoulder.
“That’s not something that can be changed in one day, you’ll have to work on it. Start helping
yourself so that others can help you. You have Octavia, you have me and I’m sure that if you speak
to the Commander, she will be there for you as well. I just think you need to work on yourself a bit
before doing that, but I’m sure she wouldn’t turn you away,” Abby said gently, feeling Raven pull
back just enough to look at her.
“How are you so sure? You didn’t see how she looked at me when I left,” Raven said nervously,
receiving from Abby a knowing look, one Raven couldn’t quite figure out.
“I’m sure, Raven. A mother always knows,” Abby said with a smile, wiping away Raven’s tears
and tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
“You are not her mother,” Raven said flatly, not seeing much logic behind Abby’s statement. Abby
gave Raven an unimpressed look and arched her eyebrow.
“I know firsthand how much the Commander cares about you, that’s enough for me to know she
will forgive you and she will understand,” Abby said, giving Raven a soft look. “I understand if
you prefer not to be present during the meetings. However, we will be dealing with the Mountain,
and when it comes to weapons and technology, we might need your help.”
“Of course. I just don’t think that seeing Lexa is the best idea right now, I’m not ready for it but if
it's absolutely necessary I will be there to help,” Raven said, giving Abby a reassuring nod.
“Thank you, Raven. I know it will be difficult but we will fix this, one way or another.”
“I hope so,” Raven said, giving the Doctor a small smile before leaving the room.
……………………..
By the time they were riding back to Arkadia Costia had become a permanent figure in Lexa’s life,
she never left, she was always around Lexa and every single day she became a little more real.
Lexa knew she couldn't speak to her, not while everyone was around but she was content just by
having her there, pressed flush against her body as they rode towards Arkadia.
When they settled the campsite for the night, Lexa was finally able to wrap her arms around
Costia’s waist, holding her close in the safety of her tent.
“I will never stop missing you,” Lexa whispered, her tongue felt too heavy for her to sound clear
enough, but Costia seemed to understand.
“I’m always with you, my love,” Costia said, turning in Lexa’s arms so she could look up at her
with a smile. “I’m worried about you, you seem too tired to do anything, what if you fall asleep
while you are riding your horse? I’m afraid you will hurt yourself. You seem to doze off
sometimes just to startle awake a few minutes later, that’s dangerous, Lexa.”
“I’m happy to be seeing you,” the Commander responded, not even seeming to have heard what
Costia had just said.
“Lexa, please, promise me that you won’t let Raven separate the two of you, promise me,” Costia
begged, holding Lexa’s face in her hands.
“It was her choice, I cannot force her,” Lexa said quietly, her voice weakened and defeated.
“When you tried to push me away, I didn’t let you, I fought for you, for us. Now you need to do the
same with her. Or have you forgotten how you tried to send me away?” Costia said, arching an
eyebrow at Lexa while she gave her a soft smile. “She’s frightened, just like you were back then.
You know well how she feels, so please, I’m begging you, don’t let her do this, fight for her.”
“I should have sent you away, maybe you would be happily mated to someone else by now, maybe
you would have pups of your own,” Lexa said, letting her head fall down in a mix of guilt and
shame. “You would be alive if I had sent you away.”
“I didn’t want to leave, my love. Don’t you see it? That’s what I am trying to make you realize,
Raven is doing what you did back then. She’s putting distance between you two in hopes to save
you. But that’s not what you want or what you need, just like being sent away was not what I
wanted or needed back then. She needs to know that you are choosing to stay by her side, and she
needs to respect that. I’m not sorry about staying by your side, we had years of happiness, and I
wouldn't trade them for anything,” Costia whispered gently, moving forwards to wrap Lexa in her
arms, drawing soft circles on her back and cupping the back of her head with the palm of her hand.
“You think I shouldn’t have let her leave?” Lexa asked quietly, looking at Costia with half-closed
green eyes, swollen and bruised. With each day that passed the nightmares and insomnia seemed to
make themselves more present on Lexa’s face, marking it with deep lines of weariness and
exhaustion. The fact that Lexa could still get through the day was an impressive feat on its own.
“I think you should have made her see what you wanted and needed, and I think you should have
done that until she understood it. We cannot make decisions based on fear, you know that better
than anyone. We can’t make decisions based on threats or hypothetical situations or what-ifs, you
know this well, Leksa. Make her see it too, please,” Costia said intensely, tracing the hollow of
Lexa’s cheeks with her thumbs. She looked into her eyes with light and energy, and Lexa knew
Costia was only trying to inject her with the bravery she needed to fix this situation. “You don’t
like this, you didn’t agree to this, and you know well that this is not something she truly wants.
Stop letting her dictate everything that happens between the two of you and fix things!” Costia said
strongly, poking Lexa’s chest with her index finger. Lexa’s eyes widened in surprise and a lopsided
smile bloomed on the corner of her lips.
“You are very beautiful when you get like this. You are so wise, sometimes I forget you are older
than me,” Lexa said, the smile still on her face as she leaned forwards to wrap her arms around
Costia once more.
“I used to be older than you,” Costia corrected with a smile, her arms curling easily around Lexa’s
shoulders. “You came to be older than me last year, this year you will be two years older than me.
The roles have been reversed, I used to be two years older than you,” Costia was smiling, nothing
gave her more joy than Lexa being alive and well. Lexa didn’t have the same reaction; her smile
fell and her bottom lip started to tremble.
“In my mind and my heart, you will always be older, wiser, stronger, kinder, more beautiful than I
could ever be,” Lexa said with conviction, her fingers pressing gently against Costia’s back.
“Better than you at everything,” Costia said, evidently teasing. Lexa snorted inelegantly, her
reaction completely unbecoming of her position.
“Of course,” Lexa said sarcastically, looking down at Costia with a tiny light in her green eyes.
Costia arched both eyebrows, taking offense.
“Let me remind you that I won every single fight in all the years we had together, I was an
excellent warrior, Anya loved making you fight against me, she liked to see your ass on the floor,”
Costia said, threatening Lexa to deny with her eyes.
“You were bigger, and I was in love with you from the moment I met you, of course, you would
win,” Lexa said, traces of a laugh in her voice as she leaned forwards to press a kiss on Costia’s
cheek.
“Since the moment we met? Didn’t I give you a black eye for stealing from my father’s stall in the
markets?” Costia asked, a laugh bubbling from the bottom of her throat when she saw Lexa nod,
not a trace of shame in her expression.
“I loved every second of it, I would have let you punch me again,” Lexa said, a lopsided smile on
her lips as she pulled Costia closer to her body.
“Let me? If I had wanted to punch you again, I would have done it and you wouldn’t have been
able to stop it. I would have done it if my mother wouldn’t have stopped me,” Costia said, a
gorgeous pout on her face.
“And she let me keep the bread, so your attempts to keep your father’s stall safe failed either way.
After that, your mother would steal it for me herself,” Lexa said fondly, Costia’s Nomon would
always hold a special place in her heart.
“Stop trying to distract me, this is not about us, this is about you and Raven. Go to Arkadia, grab
her, kiss her senseless, tell her you will be there when she is ready. Fight for this, Leksa! If you
don’t, I will never forgive you!” Costia said forcefully, jamming her finger against Lexa’s chest
once more.
“She broke my heart, Cos-”
“You broke my heart when you tried to send me to Shallow Valley against my will, and I stayed
anyway, didn’t I?” Costia arched an accusing eyebrow and Lexa went completely red in the face.
“I’m not asking you to forgive her, you can be heartbroken and love her at the same time, you can
hate what she did and be in love with her at the same time. All I ask is that you don’t let this go.
She’s pulling away, don’t let her,” Costia said, letting out a loud sigh of relief when she saw Lexa
nod.
“You know that what I feel for her… you will always… I…” Lexa struggled for words, shaking
her head with frustration as she pressed the heel of her palm against one of her sore eyes.
“Leksa, I know,” Costia whispered with a smile, “I’m happy you found her, I haven’t seen you
happy since I…” She trailed off and smiled at Lexa, “I’m happy you have her and I am happy you
are happy, that’s all I want. Come on, try to sleep, you will have a long day of riding tomorrow.”
Lexa sighed loudly, but let herself fall on the cot anyway.
“You know I shouldn’t sleep; I will just have another nightmare and wake the whole camp with my
screams,” Lexa mumbled, her eyes closing without her permission. Thankfully, Lana had been
careful to keep an eye on her and was able to wake her up before her nightmare got bad enough.
“It’s okay, Heda,” Lana said with concern, a frown on her face as she kept her hand pressed gently
against the Commander’s bad shoulder.
“Thank you, Lana. You are wonderful. For how long was I out?” Lexa asked, taking the tea that
Lana was offering her. After seeing that what the healers were giving her to help her sleep didn’t
work, they had taken to giving her infusions to help her stay awake during the day and not doze off
randomly. It was an awful occurrence, ones that had frightened Lana more than once over the last
couple of days.
Lexa could be standing up, talking, eating, analyzing her maps or drawing trade routes, and
suddenly her eyes would glaze over. Sometimes, very rarely, she fell over, sometimes her body
managed to keep itself in position, but for a few seconds up to a few minutes, her brain would just
shut off. She was sure it had happened more than once without her noticing; Lana had mentioned
her eyes would remain open sometimes, but she wouldn’t respond to anything, it must be
something really bizarre to see.
“About three hours, Heda,” Lana said, her frown deepening further, “Heda, will you please try to
see the Skaikru healer when we get to Skaikru territory.”
“Yes, I will, Lana,” Lexa said, taking the handmaid's hand and giving it a soft squeeze. “Try not to
worry, yes? I can take this.”
“Of course, Heda. I just wish to see you well again,” Lana whispered, looking down for a moment.
“Lana,” Lexa said thoughtfully, “you do know that I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, yes? I
have arranged everything so even after my passing your Nomon and you will remain safe and well
cared for inside the tower. Titus can get rid of anyone he wants, but he can’t get rid of you or your
Nomon.”
“Oh, Heda, that’s not- I-” Lana struggled for words, and Lexa saw her face flush red in the dim
candlelight. “I just care about your wellbeing, Heda. I don’t know if I would want to remain in the
tower if you weren’t there.”
“Spirits, she has always been so sweet,” Costia mentioned, appearing out of nowhere at Lexa’s
side.
“Thank you, Lana. I would also miss you if you weren’t with me at the tower,” Lexa said with a
small smile, watching Lana’s face get redder and redder. “I care about you too, Lana, and about
your Nomon. You are both invaluable to me, just don’t mention it to Titus, okay.”
“No, Heda, of course not!” Lana said, shaking her head from side to side rapidly.
“Good, try to get some sleep. At least one of us has to be well-rested,” Lexa mentioned as she got
up, trying to sleep again would be a waste, she would just have another nightmare and she would
keep Lana awake.
“You know what you are going to do today as soon as you get to Arkadia?” Costia asked, standing
at the edge of the campsite by Lexa’s side, guards had spread around, but they weren’t close
enough to hear Lexa talking to her dead lover.
“Grab her. Kiss her. Fix things,” Lexa said firmly.
“Great, is going to go well, I promise,” Costia said, grabbing Lexa’s hand and holding it in her
own. “Remember, no one is asking you or expects you to forgive her right away. Just let her know
that you are not letting her get away so easily.”
“Grab her. Kiss her. Show her that I’m angry but in love. Not letting her get away,” Lexa repeated
it to herself as many times as she could, these days she barely remembered anything, she didn’t
want to forget what she was going to do. “Wait, but I can’t tell her I’m in love with her.”
“Why?” Costia asked plainly, turning to look at Lexa with a frustrated look on her face.
“Because…” Lexa knew she had many reasons, she knew, but her muddled brain couldn’t come up
with anything. “I just can’t. And even if I could do it, I wouldn’t want to do it when things are so
difficult between us. It isn’t supposed to happen like this.”
“I won’t push on that, but honestly, it is written all over your face. I don’t even think you must say
it, she has to know,” Costia said and Lexa turned to look at her with concern written all over her
face.
“You believe she knows?”
“She must, maybe she doesn’t want to see it, but she must know. Don’t let this make you lose
focus; you already know what to do. Focus on that,” Costia said, holding onto Lexa’s shoulders and
giving her a soft shake as she looked right into her eyes.
“Yes. Grab her. Kiss her. Show her that I’m angry but in love. Not letting her get away,” Lexa let
the words loop in her mind. They were the only thing she allowed herself to think of as she rode to
Arkadia. Soon she would get there, and she would do what she had to do.
………………
“Rae, stop being a coward and come with me. She must be coming here any minute now,” Octavia
said as she let out a frustrated groan. “Take this as a recon mission, we will go welcome her here
and we will try to assess just how much she hates your guts.”
“That’s really not helping, O,” Raven said, burying her face in her pillow, refusing to go to the
gates to wait for the Commander and her traveling companions.
“Raven, come on, we both know she can’t hate you. Don’t you want to see how she reacts to seeing
you? We don’t know for how long she is going to be around and this is a tiny place, you can’t
ignore her. We need to go and see how she treats you, we need to test the waters, see if she is open
to talking to you,” Octavia said, pulling at Raven’s arm until the other omega was standing up from
the bed.
“If I have a breakdown in front of everyone, Octavia…” Raven trailed off, giving her friend a hard
look.
“You won’t have a breakdown, you are one of the strongest people I know,” Octavia said, handing
Raven one of her rain jackets and handing her a comb so she would get her messy hair in order.
“You don’t know what she does to me,” Raven said as she pulled her hair into a ponytail.
“I do know, I was helping you shower a few days ago, remember?” Octavia said, giving her friend
a meaningful look. “You were freaking out when you got here, and with good reason. You are not
fine right now, but you are handling things, I’m sure you can see her greet the council and go. They
don’t plan on doing anything tonight besides settling their camp, she will probably be busy
ordering people around and stuff. Just relax, I’ve got you,” Octavia said, straightening Raven’s
jacket and smoothing out the wrinkles in the shirt she was wearing before giving her an approving
look and guiding her outside.
“You are just in time guys,” Harper said from somewhere on Octavia’s right. “The guards in the
watchtowers just said they saw the horses entering the clearing, the gates are already being
opened.”
They couldn’t see much, just the open gate and the council standing close to it, Abby at the center,
flanked by Sinclair and Bellamy, Lincoln and Clarke stayed close to them, all of them ready to
welcome the Commander.
The people of Arkadia were nervously watching from within the gate, they had been told the
Commander would come, but having grounders near the camp was still something that made them
anxious. Most of them retreated to their quarters but some curious ones stayed around to see what
was going on.
Raven’s heart started racing as soon as she heard the horses, their hooves were loud against the
ground and soon, dust started to rise in the air. Before Raven could even form a coherent thought,
she saw her. The Commander was sitting atop her black stallion, the animal massive under her lithe
form. She was in her Commander regalia, black coat, cogwheel between her brows, shoulder
pauldron in place as the red sash wiped behind her with the wind. Her beauty wasn’t even
shadowed by the obvious exhaustion on her face. Her jaw and cheekbones were sharper than
Raven remembered, sculpted beautifully by the gods themselves, she was sure.
By the time the Commander dismounted, Raven thought she would pass out, her heart was beating
too hard and too loud to be normal, and her breathing was starting to get unsteady. She could do
nothing but watch as the Commander approached Abby, not offering her arm in greeting as she
usually would. No, instead she did something else.
“Commander, welcome to-”
“Where is Raven?” Lexa asked, interrupting Abby. Every single drop of blood in Raven’s body
froze all at once.
“Fuck,” Raven heard Octavia whisper, “that can only be a good sign, right?”
Abby moved out of the Commander’s line of sight in response, allowing the Heda to see Raven
with her own eyes.
Their eyes met. Raven stopped breathing. Lexa seemed to cross the space between them in three
long strides because suddenly, she was standing right in front of Raven.
“Lex-”
Grab her.
Raven was interrupted by the feeling of the Commander’s hands on her body. One hand was firm
on the back of her neck, the other was pressed low on her back. Lexa pulled Raven closer and the
omega’s eyes widened, a gasp of surprise barely crossing her lips before they were covered by the
Commander’s mouth.
Kiss her.
An automatic moan rumbled from the bottom of Raven’s throat. Goosebumps rushed up her back
from her very toes, rising the skin on the back of her neck. Raven shivered in the Commander’s
hold, her knees weakening dangerously as Lexa’s hands tightened around her body, bringing
Raven’s chest flush against the alpha’s own.
Surprisingly, that kiss was better described by all the things it was not. It wasn’t careful or hesitant;
it wasn’t shy or doubtful; it wasn’t insecure. That kiss was not a question, was not layered with
Lexa’s insecurities. No. That kiss was ferocious, untamed, almost tempestuous. Raven was
transported to that afternoon in the balcony, when she saw lightning for the first time. She had
thought Lexa was just like lightning back then, and still, her feelings at that time couldn’t compare
with what she was feeling right there, being kissed by the woman she loved, by the ruler of the
world, in front of every person that mattered in her life.
Lexa’s fingers buried in Raven’s hair, unraveling her ponytail as her mouth parted against the
omega’s lips, her tongue pushing in to be received by warmth and sweetness. The first stroke of the
Commander’s tongue against Raven’s set the omega’s mind ablaze. Lexa’s taste filled her mouth,
mostly mint leaves and sweet berries, but also a hint of something utterly intoxicating that Raven
could only describe as Lexa’s. The alpha’s scent was sending rockets flying in Raven’s belly, it
was probably her favorite scent in the world, a perfect mix of leather and sandalwood, of rain, fresh
grass and a hint of lavender oil. Lightning seemed to strike over and over again, it's light shining in
the back of her eyes at the hard press of the Commander’s lips against her own. The kiss was slow,
languid and so very hard. It felt like a statement in every possible way. Lexa was kissing her like
she wanted to imprint her lips on Raven’s, leaving no trace of skin untouched, taking the time to
explore with her tongue, to curl it around Raven’s own and to brush it over the roof of the omega’s
mouth. It was as deep and as intimate as a kiss could possibly be, open-mouthed and turbulent.
Raven knew that the Commander had never kissed her in such a way before. She was sure no one
had ever kissed in such a way before. She felt ignited by the heat of a thousand suns, and her body
was aching in response to the fire coursing through her veins. She could do nothing but cling to
Lexa’s strong shoulders, her legs rendered useless as tremors continued to assault her senses. Lexa
was relentless, her kiss vicious in its never-ending fury. Raven could only try to catch tiny gulps of
air, that were quickly stolen from her lungs by the alpha’s unrestrained mouth. In her mind, there
was only a dizzying blur, a haze of sensation that Raven never wanted to let go of.
“Heda! This is scandalous!” Raven heard Titus' voice and she felt one of Lexa’s arms move away
from her body, surely shutting the Flamekeeper up with a flick of her wrist. Titus had no right to
end that kiss, and Raven had no intention of ever ending it, the decision was in Lexa’s hands.
The Heda’s strong arm came back to curl around Raven’s waist once more. The kiss slowly came
to its end, becoming shallower and shallower, until the alpha was just contently pressing sweet
kisses over Raven’s lips.
Angry, but in love.
“I’m very angry with you,” the Commander whispered against Raven’s mouth, letting her lips
enclose the omega’s once more. Her teeth tightened around Raven’s plump bottom lip and
delivered a stinging bite, letting the taste of copper flood Raven’s mouth. “I’m furious,” Lexa said,
not giving Raven time to respond. She leaned in and traced the bite gently with her tongue,
soothing the ache with her lips. “But I cherish you, and my anger does not overshadow that
feeling.”
Raven’s heart slammed violently against her ribs, her cheeks were burning hot red, her eyes
widening in a mix a shock, love, and lust. She looked up into Lexa’s evergreen gaze, honest and
earnest like it always was.
“Lexa-”
“No, you will listen to me now,” Lexa interrupted, not letting Raven speak. She only leaned in
further, nuzzling her nose against the omega’s before allowing her forehead to simply rest against
Raven’s, letting them both take a proper breath.
Not letting her get away.
“You did not wish to leave and I did not want you to leave. Because of that, I have decided I will
not let you push me away. I’m here, I’m staying and I am not letting you ruin us out of fear. We
have things to talk about and things to get through, but I want you to know that I will be here
waiting for you until we are both okay to move forwards,” Lexa said, her eyes fixed on Raven’s,
watching the omega’s eyes water and tears spill silently down her cheeks. “I’m here, I’m staying
and I’m not letting you push me away.”
Lexa took a moment to take a deep breath, her chest pushing against Raven’s with the expansion of
her lungs. Raven could only look at her, at the tired expression on her face and at the way her
shoulders seemed to hang when the adrenaline from the kiss drained from her body. The omega
could only watch worriedly, barely able to understand what was going on, fearful of believing what
she was hearing.
“Do you understand?” Lexa asked, looking into Raven’s eyes with a soft look. She could probably
see how overwhelmed and confused the omega was feeling, so Lexa put a little bit of space
between them, taking a step back and keeping a hold of Raven with a hand at her elbow.
Raven could only nod dumbly in response, focusing on keeping her knees from buckling as she
kept her hand wrapped tightly around Lexa’s solid forearm.
“Good,” Lexa said, taking another step back and allowing Raven to stand on her own. She moved
her hands towards the omega’s body only to fix her jacket and smooth her rumpled shirt. “Your
hair tie.” Lexa offered the small object; it had caught on her fingers when she had buried her hand
in Raven’s hair.
“Thanks,” Raven whispered, her voice coming out hoarse and awkward. She didn’t know if she
was allowed to talk.
“You are welcome,” Lexa said, just standing there and taking one long look at Raven. “You look
very beautiful, but I’m very angry with you, and hurt.”
“Thank you- I mean, I’m sorry, I-”

“We will talk later, I need to speak to Abby urgently,” Lexa said, receiving a small nod from Raven
as she turned around to face Titus, her Ambassadors, and the Skaikru council.
“Heda-”
“Quiet, Titus,” Lexa said, waving a disinterested hand around. “You will oversee our people, make
sure the camp is ready and that everyone has a comfortable place to sleep tonight. I will not hear
anything you have to say right now, am I clear?”
The man gave the Heda a short nod, his jaw clenched in anger, his teeth grinding so hard they
would probably turn to dust in his mouth.
Everyone around them was petrified on the spot, utterly and entirely flabbergasted. It was common
knowledge that Raven and the Commander had been fucking, but no one had ever seen such a
public display of affection, and no one seemed to know what to do about what they had just seen.
“Chancellor Griffin, I wish to speak to you in private. Let’s go to your office,” Lexa ordered, not
even waiting for Abby as she stepped towards Arkadia’s entrance, walking in like she owned the
place.
“Of course, Commander,” Abby said, rushing to catch up as she tried to contain the smile that was
tugging at her lips.
“Well, fucking hell!” Harper said with a laugh, fanning herself, her cheeks flushed pink. “Shit Rae,
that was one hell of a kiss, I would have died for sure.”
Octavia could only look at her friend with a relieved smile, she had been close enough to hear what
the Commander had quietly said to her friend, and she couldn’t possibly be more reassured.
Eventually, everything would be okay.
“Now I understand why you are so sad every time you come back from Polis; I would be sad too if
suddenly I wasn’t getting kisses like those. So hot, damn!” Harper said again, pressing her palms
against her cheeks to try and cool them for a bit. Omegas all around were left in a similar state,
flushed and wanting, pheromones swirling around with the blatant demonstration of alpha
dominance Lexa had displayed.
People started to disperse, the Skaikru council staying to speak with the grounders in regards to
their sleeping arrangements. Most of the grounders preferred to sleep outside in their own camp, so
they turned down the rooms the Skaikru offered. After that, there wasn’t much else to talk about,
the members of the council moving inside as well. Clarke stayed briefly, giving Raven a lost look
before going inside.
“Rae, you okay?” Octavia asked, her friend was completely speechless, she hadn’t said a word. She
just kept her hand close to her lips, her fingers gently touching at the swelling skin.
“I just… I’m… I don’t even know what to think, what to feel, what am I supposed to do with
myself now?” Raven said. She was worried, elated, confused, relieved and overwhelmed all at
once.
“I think right now you should just enjoy the moment, Commander Lexa kissed you in front of
everyone, Rae. In front of our people and hers, in front of at least half of her Ambassadors and
Titus. Just take a moment to let that settle in, okay? Don’t overthink,” Octavia said, placing a
supporting arm around her friend’s shoulders. “Let’s catch a movie so you can relax.”
Raven only nodded in response, still caught in the whirlwind of her mind as she walked back to her
room with Octavia and Harper.
……………………
“How can I help you, Commander?” Abby asked, trying to avoid the Raven subject. She didn’t
want to bring it up unless Lexa mentioned it first.
The Commander sat down, letting herself fall down heavily on the chair. She was the picture of
exhaustion, and she seemed to have lost a bit of weight too, not much, just enough for her cheeks to
get a little hollower.
“Are you ill?” Abby asked then, immediately concerned.
“I don’t know if ill would be the right word to use,” the Commander said, her speech quiet and
very slow as if the act of speaking itself was taking a lot of energy. “I haven’t been able to sleep
since Raven left Polis. I got used to falling asleep to the sound of her voice and she was always
willing to help with my nightmares, but when she left… during the first two days, I could not
manage to quiet my brain enough to sleep. I just couldn’t manage it without hearing her voice…
During the days that followed, my brain would shut down for me, but the nightmares wouldn’t
allow me to stay asleep for long. I have slept, poorly, for about three hours during the last couple
of nights, but I’m too tired and it's starting to affect me.”
“Raven left Polis almost 7 days ago!” Abby said, alarmed and scandalized, not even knowing how
the Commander was even able to hold a proper conversation with her, much less ride a horse for
over two days in her trip from Polis to Arkadia. “We need to make sure you get some rest. Come,
we will get you in a bed right away,” Abby said, walking the Commander towards a private room
and helping her take off her clothes, leaving the alpha in her undershirt and underwear.
Lexa sat on the bed and followed Abby’s instructions as the doctor proceeded to give her a quick
check-up.
“Have you been experiencing difficulty concentrating, loss of focus, irritability, mood swings,
memory problems?” Abby asked as she measured the Commander’s blood pressure.
“Yes, but I have also been having very vivid visions. I have been able to see them, hear them, touch
them. They feel rather real,” Lexa mentioned, watching the Doctor stop what she was doing to look
at Lexa directly.
“You have been able to touch them?” Abby asked. She had not heard of such a complex
hallucination before.
“Yes, she is currently next to me. She knows I have a hard time with healers so she is holding my
hand,” Lexa said, looking down at her curled hand. Abby saw nothing, but the look in the
Commander’s face told her everything she needed to know. “She feels warm and soft and I can feel
her fingers moving against mine. It has been getting worse. Before, I only saw her in flashes, but
within a couple of days I could see her and hear her, now I can touch her and she very rarely
leaves.”
“I have never heard of something like it. We must help you sleep and then, once you have rested, I
want you to have some brain scans done just to make sure the hallucinations are caused by sleep
deprivation and not something else,” Abby said, prompting the alpha to rest back against the
pillow as she went to look for the proper medication to induce sleep.
“I will stop seeing her after this, right?” Lexa asked, her eyes lost somewhere on her right side.
Abby watched her silently for a moment, standing on Lexa’s left and watching the empty space
Lexa was looking at with concern in her eyes.
“If she’s here because of insomnia, she will likely go away after you have properly rested,” Abby
said, hoping that there wasn’t anything more serious going on.
“Okay,” Lexa said softly, Abby watched her eyes water and took a deep breath.
“I will give you a moment with her, just let me know when you are ready, okay?” Abby said,
having a vague idea of who she was, watching Lexa nod gratefully in response.
………………..
“I’ll be missing you,” Lexa whispered, her eyes on Costia’s gorgeous face as the young girl sat on
the edge of the bed, leaning over Lexa’s body to place a soft kiss on her forehead.
“No need, my love,” Costia said, her smile beautiful and soft, “I’m never too far away. I’m always
with you.”
“I’ll be missing you anyways,” Lexa said with a sad smile, “Thank you for all your help and it
doesn’t matter how tired I feel, I would do it again if it means I get to see you.”
“Please, don’t!” Costia said, giving Lexa a hard look, “You are going to give Lana wrinkles if you
keep stressing her out. Take care of yourself, I want to see you happy and healthy, don’t make me
beat you up again. We both know I would win.”
Lexa chuckled lightly, squeezing Costia’s hand in her own.
“You can beat me as many times as you want, know that it only happens because I allow it,” Lexa
said, a hint of smugness on the corner of her lips. Costia let out an indignant snort and looked at
Lexa with a smile.
“Take care of yourself, fix things with Raven, be happy, okay? Do that, and I will be happy,”
Costia insisted, watching Lexa smile at her. “Don’t miss me too much, I’m always near.”
“I’ll miss you all I want,” Lexa said, smiling when she saw Costia roll her eyes.
“Always so stubborn.” Costia shook her head, a fond look in her eyes as she leaned in to place one
last kiss on Lexa’s cheeks.
“Stay until she gives me the medication?” Lexa requested quietly and Costia nodded her head,
tightening her hold around Lexa’s hand.
“Sleep well, my love.”
…………………
“I’m ready, Chancellor,” Lexa said and Abby immediately turned to her. She felt more than a little
curious after hearing Lexa’s side of the conversation, but she wouldn’t dare ask with a subject that
was obviously so sensitive for the Commander.
“Okay, this medication is really strong, it will take you out for hours and, likely, you will not have
any dreams. We will have to talk about further treatment after, the long-term use of sleeping
medication is not good,” Abby said as she cleaned the crook of Lexa’s elbow with an alcohol wipe.
“Okay, I understand. I trust that you will be able to handle Titus. Marcus has experience with him
and the rest of the Ambassadors, rely on him,” Lexa suggested and Abby nodded as she inserted
the syringe in Lexa’s arm.
“Don’t worry about anything, just rest,” Abby said, watching the Commander turn her head
towards her right once more, smiling at nothing.
It didn’t take long for her eyes to fall closed and for her breathing to even. Abby was sure to cover
her with soft blankets and dim the lights. Telling herself to keep coming back to the Commander’s
room to check on her every couple of hours.
……………………..
Octavia could see that Raven wasn’t there with them, her eyes were fixed on the image projected
on the wall, but her gaze was far away, probably stuck on what had happened upon the
Commander’s arrival.
“Harper, I’m going to try to talk to her. Do you think you can give us a moment, please?” Octavia
asked, trying really hard to not sound like a dick. Harper was a good friend.
“Sure, let me know if you need anything. I’ll have my radio on me,” the other girl said, patting the
radio hanging from her belt.
“Thank you,” Octavia said, watching her leave the room and pausing the movie they were
watching. Raven didn’t even react. “Rae, do you want to talk about it?”
“What? Hey! You paused the movie! Play it again, I really like this one,” Raven said, avoiding
Octavia’s gaze.
“Rae, you weren’t even watching anything. Let’s just talk it out so you can relax afterward,”
Octavia suggested, “What’s going on? Aren’t you happy with what happened?”
“I’m happy, I’m very happy, I just… I don’t know if I’m ready to tell her everything that’s been
going on in my head. You said it was nonsense, what if she feels it doesn’t make sense either and
decides to take back what she said today,” Raven asked, a concerned frown on her face. Octavia
sighed and shook her head.
“Rae, she said she would wait for you, she said she would work on fixing things… She won’t
decide to take back everything she said today, but she needs to know what’s going on in your head,
I think it would be meaningful if you shared it with her. Maybe she can help you better than Abby
and I can,” Octavia said, giving her friend a soft look, trying to convey her support. “I think she
needs to know what’s going on in your head, what pushed you to make the decisions you made. It
won’t fix things, but it is a good start. She’ll be there, she is not leaving, hold on to that, okay?”
Raven nodded with a small smile.
“What she did was pretty amazing, wasn’t it?” Raven asked, a dreamy look in her eyes as she
moved her hand and touched her bottom lip.
“It was,” Octavia said, wrapping an arm around her friend’s shoulder and pulling her close to her
side. “Fuck, even I got a little turn on by it. That was one hell of a kiss.”
“My heart is still racing,” Raven whispered with a tiny smile on her face, moving her hand down
from her lips to the center of her chest.
“See, Rae? You and the Commander will be fine eventually, you both just have to work some
things out, but soon enough this will be just the memory of fight and nothing more. Just be honest
with her, tell her what’s on your mind… She will be there to help you and you will fix it, together,”
Octavia said, giving her friend’s hand a soft squeeze before pressing play on the movie.
“I hope so,” Raven whispered to herself, her mind stuck in a memory that continued to repeat itself
over and over in her head.
“I have decided I will not let you push me away. I’m here, I’m staying and I am not letting you ruin
us out of fear. We have things to talk about and things to get through, but I want you to know, that I
will be here waiting for you until we are both okay to move forwards.”
Raven could only smile to herself, warmth spreading sweetly over her bones and covering her in a
soft blanket. She didn’t know how she had managed to have someone like Lexa in her life, but she
couldn’t be more thankful.
Chapter End Notes
Thanks for making it to the end of this looong chapter, did you like it?
I wanted to tell you guys about something so you can give me your opinion. I have a
couple of scenes from the first draft of this story that won’t make it to the story
because of changes that I made. Would you like me to post them? I could turn this into
a series and post all those scenes as one shots. Let me know if you would be interested
on that.
Also, would you be interested in reading a Costia/Lexa/Raven story, I know that’s

possibly the weirdest dynamic ever but writing this chapter had my mind spinning with
possibilities. It wouldn’t be too long, just a one shot or a couple of chapters at most.
Let me know what you think in the comments!

Not a Hiatus
Hey guys, just to be clear. This is not a hiatus.
I’m not consciously making the decision to stop writing. Every single day I sit down and I try to
write. The problem is that I haven’t been able to write anything for either of my stories since I last
updated my story To Build a Home on April 18th. I know that important things are going on,
relevant things that make the issue of me writing fanfic or not kind of irrelevant… I just thought it
was important for me to tell you that I have not dropped these stories and that I do plan on finishing
them. I know it is not the first time I have taken so long to update, but this time is different. I
usually can see when I am going to update next. Right now it is very unclear, I have no idea when I
will update next, and I know that with everything going on and just with life, in general, you are
not sitting at home wondering when some fanfic written by some stranger you don't know is gonna
update next. Still, I know some of you love these stories and I really don’t want you to think I have
dropped them. I try every day, for you guys, because you are all the kindest people ever, and
because I read your comments every time I feel like I need something to make me smile.
I wanted you to know that this is not about lack of motivation, you leave kudos, you leave
comments. You are the kind of readers every fanfic writer wants, and because of that, I cherish
each and every one of you. I have no one to talk fanfic with, my friends are not into it and I’m not
that good at making internet friends, so it kind of sucks to not have anyone to talk about something
that I have been doing for so many years and that I enjoy so much. That’s why I love your
comments so much and why I am so happy every time you leave one, or a kudo, or when I see
someone has bookmarked my story or subscribed to it. I really want to write, to go back to having
that interaction with you in the comment section, I just don’t know what’s going on with me. I have
never gone this long without writing anything, and it’s kind of freaking me out a little. I’m not
trying to be dramatic, and I’m really sorry if I am coming across that way. I’m just scared of not
being able to finish these stories even if I really want to.
I guess, mentally, I’m kind of going downhill. I know it’s not the virus or the lockdown, I know
this is going to sound fucked up and I’m sorry about that, but honestly, when it comes to work and
school, things have become much easier, and I have come to appreciate my time at home very
much. So that isn’t it. I don’t know what it is and I’m really sorry. Between June 18 and 21 I
should be updating either of my stories and I won’t be doing that.
So, I refuse to call this a hiatus or a break, because I’m still trying every day. And I can’t wait until
I can see you all again in the comments and kudos. I just don’t know when that’s going to happen,
maybe next week I’ll wake up feeling different and I will get out 20 pages in one sitting (it is not
an exaggeration, I have done that a lot), but maybe another two months will pass without me
getting anything out.
I know days keep piling up, and I just don’t want you to think that I disappeared or that I’m
consciously deciding not to write because I know that some of you, surprisingly and amazingly,
are actually waiting for me to update. Some of you are reading my stories over and over again to
pass the time until I update next. And isn’t that absolutely wonderful? I hope you are still here
whenever I manage to update next, and I understand if you aren’t and you get tired of waiting.
Either way, thank you for sticking with these stories, the clexaven fandom and the lexaven fandom
have been nothing but wonderful to me and I hope next time we see each other it’s over an actual
update and not over another annoying author’s note.
In advance, I’m sorry if this note sounded overly dramatic. I took the time to make you a list of the
lexaven content that has been giving me life over the past couple of weeks, I tried to keep it recent
and to make sure it was completed, it’s not much but I liked them and hope you will like them too
if you haven’t read them already. For clexa there’s really no need for lists, so anyway… Most of
them are nice, cute, short one-shots I have found lately on ao3 and Tumblr, but I decided to add
one multichapter story that I quite like, that is finished, and that I hope you will enjoy too. I’m sure
you all have already read the clexaven classics, which are all masterpieces, so I won’t make a list
for them either. I know you know which ones I’m talking about. I’m not sure if the links will work,
but you can find them by name. I excluded things that were very old and that I assumed lexaven
and clexaven fans would have surely read by now, and I also excluded everything that was
incomplete, please don’t feel offended if I didn’t include one of your favorite stories. I probably
read it and liked it and didn’t include it because it was incomplete or posted too long ago.
A moment is all it takes by ddramallama: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24669766

Bad timing by return009: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24344644
You’re my kryptonite by inspireme87: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006667 (they
have a bunch of one shots and a multichapter that is great, consider everything they have
written a part of this list.)
Part 2 prompt 1 by jadelouisepinnock (on
tumblr): https://jadelouisepinnock.tumblr.com/post/620584056007032832/get-up-write-june-
challenge-part-2-prompt-1 again, don’t know if the link will work, but maybe with their
username. No idea, hope it helps though.
Part 1 prompt 1 by
jadelouisepinnock: https://jadelouisepinnock.tumblr.com/post/620035480070799360/get-up-
write-june-challenge-part-1-prompt-1?is_related_post=1
Clinging to not getting centimental by badasscmd: this is such a favorite. And it is the most
recent multichapter that is also completed. https://archiveofourown.org/works/6114230
I hope this somehow helps and that we see each other soon in an actual update. Love you guys,
thank you for all the support.
I hope you, your families, and your friends are all safe and sound.
Chapter 15
Chapter Notes
Long chapter ahead!!! I am quite nervous about it but I really hope you like it. They
are both quite the mess of feels.
I had forgotten to tell you that this story has a Part 2. It's not a sequel, but a
compilation of all the content that didn't make it onto the final draft. I hope you like
it!!
Huge thanks to Inspireme87 and Cleo24, they read this early and told me it isn't as bad
as I think it is. They both have great works of their own. Check them out if you have
the chance!!!
“Shouldn't you be in the medbay?” Octavia asked as she entered the empty dining hall to find
Clarke sitting by herself on one of the tables.
“Yes, but the Commander is there and Raven is there and I’m not sure I can stand seeing them as I
saw them yesterday,” Clarke said. Octavia could almost see the defeat hanging heavy on her
shoulders.
“That was one hell of a kiss, wasn’t it?” Octavia asked as she sat down next to the blonde.
“It was,” Clarke said, refusing to look up to the young warrior.
“Are you okay?” Octavia asked tentatively.
“Not really, O,” Clarke whispered. “I didn’t think I could want her after what she did to me at the
Mountain. I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel this way after she abandoned me there. I was
as cruel as I could be to her, so petty and idiotic, because I hate her and because nothing will make
what she did okay in my eyes.”
“Hating is easy, caring is harder,” Octavia said, resting her chin in her hand as she looked away
from the blonde for a moment.
“I didn’t know you could hate someone and care about them at the same time. I don’t want to care
about her and I’ve been working so hard in forcing myself not to feel it…” Clarke shook her head
regretfully, a sardonic smile on her face. “All of it seems so foolish. Now I have to force myself not
to care for a completely different reason.”
“I think all of this has more to do with pulling that lever than with Lexa leaving you there,” Octavia
mentioned hesitantly, knowing well that she was entering dangerous territory. “You know you
would have made the same choice she made; you actually did that when you decided to leave
behind the allies, we had inside to save our people. In more than one way, you and the Commander
are similar, and it is much easier to hate her and blame her than to hate and blame yourself.”
“Oh, believe me, I can do both,” Clarke said, shaking her head once more. “I just… I will probably
never meet someone that understands the weight I carry the way she understands. And I ruined my
chances of having her. I tried so hard to kill this feeling. I wanted this, I chose not to care for her,
for her pain, for what my actions could do to her. I wanted her to be in pain, just like I was. When
she was already in pain, had been all along, because she has been making this kind of decisions her
whole life.”
“Maybe you needed to lose her to realize you were being a dick,” Octavia said bluntly, pulling a
tiny smile out of the blonde.
“I knew all along, I just thought that would make me care for her less. All I did was make myself
care more and manage to make her hate me.”
“I’m sure she won’t hate anyone once she’s okay with Raven again,” Octavia said, wincing a little
when she realized that her comment would probably make the blonde feel worse.
“She blames me for the challenge, thinks that if I had bowed to her before none of this would have
happened. And who knows, might be the truth,” Clarke said sorrowfully, burying her face in her
hands for a long moment. “I lost my chance with her before realizing I even wanted it. And the
worst part of it all is that you and Raven warned me, you told me that I would come to regret my
actions. I never thought I would because I wanted her out of my life, and wanting her out of my life
was only made harder by all she did to make things better. Now she hates me and I lost my chance
with her, a chance I didn’t even think I could want after she left me in the Mountain.”
“Maybe you can still have her, not how you want her. But maybe in time, she could be a friend,”
Octavia offered, trying to ease the strong sense of regret that oozed out of the blonde in waves.
“That sounds rather painful,” Clarke said, pushing her hair out of her eyes with a shaky hand. “She
told me that after the war with the Mountain was over, I could go to Polis with her. Now I know
that is no longer what she wants, it hasn’t been for a long time. And it is hard to realize that I put
myself in this position, that I will be alone with this weight and with no one by my side that
understands how it feels.”
“Clarke, I’m sure you will find someone else. And maybe understanding is not what you need. I
mean, Raven probably doesn’t fully understand what being the Commander feels like to Lexa, but
somehow, she is still able to make the weight on her shoulders feel like less. And we both know
Rae doesn’t know shit about politics.”
“Still, Lexa was the first person that believed that I could do this, that I could be a good leader. She
believed that I was born for this, and back then when nothing I did felt like enough her words were
the only reassurance I had. I might find someone else, I probably will. I will probably even love
them, but I don’t think anyone else can be this meaningful. And it is even harder to know that
losing her is on me. I got what I wanted, just to realize that it was just a cover-up, that it never truly
was what I wanted.” A few lonely tears dripped down the blonde’s cheeks, quickly getting lost in
the hem of her shirt.
“Why were you trying so hard? You knew she was trying to make it better,” Octavia said with a
frown, doing her best to understand.
“Because I thought I would never be able to trust her again, because I knew that she would always
have to choose her people first and I knew I would always have to do the same. Because I hated the
decision she made and I hated my own even more… There are so many reasons, O, and I was so
consumed by anger and hatred…” Clarke shook her head regretfully once more. “And I had to see
her there, standing in front of me, looking at me like I had taken away the only thing that made her
happy… Looking at me like she didn’t know who she was looking at, to realize that I had done it, I
had successfully pushed her away. She is weak for someone else now. And I would never dare to
do anything about it.”
“I’m not sure there’s anything you could do,” Octavia said, giving Clarke’s shoulder a gentle
squeeze.
“I wouldn’t try anything, don’t worry. I wouldn’t do that to Raven,” Clarke said wiping the tears
from her cheeks. “I’ll just keep my distance, let things happen.”
“Okay, don’t worry though. I am sure that you and the Commander can be friends one day. Or
something similar to it, she is not that familiar with friendship, Raven is her first friend and we
both know how that is going,” Octavia said, trying to offer the blonde a smile. “I know that I have
been mostly on Raven’s side, and you and I aren’t that close, but I’m here if you need someone to
talk to about all of this. Might help.”
“Sure, thanks O,” Clarke said, offering the young warrior a shaky smile before standing up and
walking away.
………………………..
“Hey, Abby… I went to look for the Commander in her usual room and she isn’t there, did you
move her to another room?” Raven asked with a confused frown, they usually gave the
Commander the best room they had, but the alpha was not there.
“She stayed in the medical bay, Raven, she is still resting,” Abby said, looking down at her tablet
where she was checking the Commander’s labs.
“What?” Raven felt dizzy with panic. “Why is she in the medbay? Is she okay?”
“She is okay, I need to talk to you though. Please, take a seat,” Abby said, giving Raven a small
smile. The omega did as told and looked back at Abby with a frown. “The Commander has been
experiencing trouble sleeping, she is severely sleep-deprived and that has affected other areas of
her life, from the assessment I made it was clear that she is dehydrated and that she has lost weight.
It’s not severe but we need to set her up with a treatment that will get her back on track.”
“Sleep-deprived?” Raven said to herself, wanting to slap herself in the face. She knew that Lexa
had trouble sleeping when she wasn’t there, the fight they had had before Raven left had only made
that worse for sure.
“Yes, she has not been able to sleep since you left Polis. After seven days without resting properly,
she started to develop quite severe symptoms of sleep deprivation. The hallucinations are
particularly concerning. We will get some scans done to make sure it isn’t anything serious,” Abby
said, giving Raven a reassuring smile.
“Do you think it is something serious?” Raven asked, wanting to hear Abby’s opinion. The doctor
sighed and shook her head.
“I can’t tell without the scans, though I am more inclined to think the sleep deprivation is the cause
of this. She is constantly dealing with very stressful situations, mixing that with insomnia couldn’t
lead to anything good. I think that if it was something more serious other symptoms would have
appeared by now-”
“She’s been having headaches lately, bad ones, she told me that over the radio last time we were
apart. She said that they felt incapacitating, like drilling in the back of her eyes,” Raven said
worriedly, her hands were starting to sweat and she could feel the dull blade of concern digging in
the back of her neck.
“She didn’t mention that to me,” Abby said with a frown, a gleam of concern shining in the back of
her eyes.
“I believe Heda is mate sick,” Lana’s voice came, shy and quiet from the entrance of Abby’s
office. Raven twisted her neck to look at her, eyes wide and throat dry.
“What?” Abby asked, “Mate sickness?”
“It’s something that happens when a mated pair is separated for a long time. People start getting
sick, the ache in their hearts moves to their bodies. Headaches, vomiting, difficulty sleeping,
sometimes even fever, all of that can happen when someone is mate sick. When Heda started
having headaches I didn’t think much of it, her days are long and hard and it is normal for her body
to react accordingly, but now… with her inability to sleep, with how her mood changes when
Raven is not near- I’m no healer, but I think she is mate sick…” Lana said, hesitant and a little
afraid. Raven knew that the handmaiden was probably afraid of the amount of information she was
giving away, after all, Lexa hadn’t directly said anything about wanting Raven that way.
“But she hasn’t- I mean we haven’t-” Raven grew frustrated with herself, the words kept getting
stuck in the back of her throat and she was unable to get them out. “She hasn’t marked me!”
“And Raven is not showing any symptoms…” Abby said, thinking back to how upset Raven had
been since coming back, she had been refusing to eat and to do the things she loved most, she had
stayed in bed for a long time, her mood had been all over the place, could those be symptoms too?
“The mark is just a seal, the bond needs to build with time, people start coming together,
intertwining, and then when they are both ready and sure about how they feel, only at that moment
they seal the bond with the mating mark. Heda has known where she stands in regards to her
feelings for almost a year now, maybe more, it is only logical that Heda is more affected than
Raven…” Lana trailed off looking concerned and regretful of what she was saying.
“What? For almost a year now?” Raven asked, shock coloring her voice and her face, her eyes
widening.
“That’s when she realized how she felt, I think that’s why she is being affected so heavily, for her
the bond has been growing for months. For you… that might not be the case, I know you told her
you are just friends who have sex,” Lana said, looking back at Raven with an expression on her
face that shifted between confusion and disappointment. “I know for her it wasn’t quite like that.”
“She told you that it was more than that to her?” Raven asked as she looked back at Lana, her
mouth dry and her heart racing in her chest. No one had ever loved her enough. At the end of the
day, the people she loved didn’t choose her. Could it really be different with Lexa?
“She didn’t have to; I know how she looks when she feels so much for someone. I used to help her
sneak out of the tower to meet Costia when we were children… I know how she feels, she doesn’t
have to say anything,” Lana said, crossing her arms protectively across her chest.
Before Raven could say anything, Abby interrupted.
“Is there any way to tell this is mate sickness and not something else? If it is mate sickness why
didn’t your healers treat it as such?” Abby asked. “If that’s what it is, the medication I was thinking
of putting her on for insomnia might not work well.”
“No one would assume that’s what it is, particularly because Heda very rarely complains about
anything. We wouldn’t have known she wasn’t sleeping if I hadn’t noticed. It is the same with her
headaches, or when something else is wrong. I watch her, see if she starts acting differently, look
for small signs that tell me that she is in distress and I go talk to the healers so they give me
something that will help. Like that, no one finds out if there is something wrong with her. I
couldn’t tell Titus that this could be mate sickness, he hates the Skaikru more than he hates the
Azgeda, so I just mentioned she couldn’t sleep,” Lana said, looking distressed. Taking care of the
Commander couldn’t be an easy job, much less when Lexa refused to complain about anything,
and when everyone wanted to make her look like she was untouchable. Hada couldn’t be weak,
couldn’t get sick, couldn’t be tired, she always had to be in good condition to serve her people and
because of that, Lana just couldn’t call the healers every time the Commander wasn’t feeling okay.
“But you think it’s okay to tell us?” Abby asked, looking slightly surprised.
“I heard the conversation she shared with you a few days ago when you were in Polis. You told her
she could come to you if she needed anything. I’m not sure she knows how to ask for help so I
must do it myself,” Lana responded and Raven looked up at Abby with gratitude in her eyes.
“You really did that?” Raven asked, a small smile twitching at the corner of her lips.
“Of course, Raven, I know how important she is to you. And I really don’t want another one of her
organs to rupture inside her body only for us to find out days later,” Abby explained. “I have never
heard of mate sickness; I don’t know how to make sure that’s where her symptoms are coming
from. And we cannot get a grounder healer involved because that would surely draw attention to
her. I suppose the only thing we can do is follow my original plan. Get some tests done, make sure
nothing is going on in her brain, and treat the insomnia as it is the main problem right now.”
“Yes, it would be unwise for people to find out that Heda is unwell. If it is mate sickness, she
should get better just by being here,” Lana commented, “being near the object of her affections
should alleviate the symptoms.”
“Okay, good. Maybe we could not give her any medication for the first few days. If she sleeps
better just because she’s here…”
“That would confirm it is mate sickness,” Raven finished for Abby, the doctor nodded slowly. “I
don’t think that she will want to sleep with me after the way we left things in Polis though.”
“If it is mate sickness, she will want to be with you. It is not unusual for alphas and omegas to
develop rut symptoms and heat symptoms respectively when they are reunited after a separation.
You might not stand where Heda stands in regards to your bond, but hers is very developed. Her
alpha will want to reunite with you,” Lana explained and Raven’s eyes widened slightly.
“What does that even mean?” Raven asked, not knowing how to react to what she was hearing.
“It means that she might have the impulse to mate with you. She will feel like most alphas feel
during rut, emotionally unstable, volatile. She might get aggressive or be easily angered until she
fulfills her alpha’s desire,” Lana explained. “You must be very careful; she has never allowed
herself to be near you during a rut. She might not be able to control herself like she usually does. It
might not be a true rut, but it will be similar. It just won’t last as long as a rut usually does and it
won’t be as intense.”
Raven nodded mutely, not knowing how else to react.
“Can I see her?”
“Of course, come with me.” Abby stood up, guiding Raven towards the Commander’s private
room.
………………
“Is she okay?” Raven asked, her eyes burning and her throat feeling awfully tight as she stared at
Lexa’s resting body. The hollowness of her cheeks and the deep bags under her eyes were painfully
evident. Raven knew Lexa had trouble sleeping when she wasn’t there, she should have known
their fight would just make it worse.
“As I mentioned before, her symptoms were worrisome, we will get a few brain scans to make sure
they were only provoked by the sleep deprivation and not something else,” Abby said, as she stood
next to Raven by Lexa’s bedside. She could sense the omega’s guilt and concern, the scent of it
hanging in the air, suffocating them both.
“Did she have other symptoms besides the headaches, the hallucinations, the mood swings and not
being able to sleep?” Raven asked, squeezing her hands into fists to keep them from shaking.
“Irritability, lack of focus, microsleep, impulsivity, memory problems. The hallucinations are what
worry me the most, her description of them was concerning…We need to make sure that nothing's
wrong or to prepare a good treatment plan if there is,” Abby said quietly, watching as Raven turned
her head sharply to look at her.
“You think it could be a tumor? We don’t have the resources to treat an illness like that, the
Mountain doesn’t either, we saw no point on treating long-term diseases,” Raven said, her voice
dripping with fear.
“Not all tumors are cancerous and it could very well be the mate sickness, something else or
nothing at all, we will know once we get the exams done,” Abby said, taking a deep breath and
placing her hand on Raven’s shoulder, trying to offer the omega some comfort. “The hallucinations
are not quite what I wanted to talk to you about.”
“No?” Raven asked, her face twisting in confusion, “What then?”
“Impulsivity is one of the most common symptoms of sleep deprivation. The brain is exhausted,
can’t work as well as it usually would and people have a harder time keeping themselves in check,”
Abby said, and she knew that Raven understood when she saw her face fall.
“You think that’s why she kissed me like that, why she just grabbed me in front of everyone and
kissed me,” Raven whispered, feeling her eyes burn with tears she refused to let out.
“You must admit that it was very out of character of her to do something like that. Now, that
doesn’t mean that she didn’t mean it,” Abby said, squeezing Raven’s shoulder and giving her a
gentle smile.
“I did mean it.”
Both Raven and Abby lifted their eyes to look at the Commander, still very much resting on the
bed. Her eyes were barely open with the heaviness and the swelling that surrounded her lids.
“I planned it, and for almost an entire day, that was the only thing I allowed myself to think of. I
repeated it in my head over and over because I knew my mind was playing tricks on me and I
didn’t want to forget,” Lexa whispered, her voice hoarse and completely exhausted. “Grab her.
Kiss her. Show her that I am angry, but still in-” Her voice extinguished as she cut herself off.
Raven noticed and her eyes slightly widened, her heart wildly racing in her chest. “Show her that I
am angry, but still care about her. Tell her that I’m not letting her go. I do not regret doing it, I have
wanted to do it for a long time now… to just kiss you like that. Maybe I wouldn’t have done it if
the circumstances were different, but I don’t see this as a result of impulsivity. I think it is the
bravest thing I have ever done and I am proud of it. Unless you felt violated in some way, I know I
didn’t ask for permission.”
“No, no!” Raven rushed to say, “You didn’t, I liked it,” she said, her face burning and her words
sounding lame to her own ears.
“Good,” Lexa said, closing her eyes for a moment as she let herself fall back against the pillows.
“Would you like to get some sleep with me?”
“Yes! I mean-” Raven stumbled with her words, not knowing if that was a good idea. “I know that
I hurt you really badly, and I wouldn’t want to do anything that would make you-”
“Raven,” Lexa cut her off, opening her tired eyes and propping herself up with her elbows, “It is a
simple question, would you like to get some sleep with me? Yes or no?”
Raven felt her eyes burn with unshed tears until one of them slowly made its way down her cheek.
She nodded quickly, unable to say a word, looking back at Lexa’s worried face as the alpha lifted
her blankets so Raven would get under them with her.
Raven rushed to remove her jacket and shoes, afraid that Lexa would change her mind. She moved
quickly towards the bed, her eyes taking in the way Lexa’s arm was extended across the pillow,
inviting her to get much closer than Raven had originally planned to. She couldn’t lose her chance
and she couldn’t give Lexa time to change her mind, so Raven laid on her side and allowed her
head to rest on Lexa’s upper arm. She buried her face against Lexa’s chest, feeling a sob rip
through her throat before she could stop it. She wanted this, she wanted to be with Lexa. But as she
laid there in the Commander’s arms, she couldn’t help but think about how their closeness had led
to the challenge. She had been used as an excuse to have the Commander killed and she didn’t
know how to get rid of that noise in the back of her head.
Lexa’s arms tightened around her body immediately, both arms bringing Raven as close as she
could. The omega could only continue to sob, her tears running down Lexa’s collarbone, and her
back spasming unevenly under the Commander’s hands.
“Shh, please, don’t cry,” Lexa whispered soothingly, her lips brushing the top of Raven’s head.
“Please, everything is going to be okay, I promise.”
“Please, Lexa, don’t hate me, please!” Raven managed to say between sobs, her chest contorting
painfully as she tried to get a breath in. She knew she had hurt the Commander badly, but she
hoped the Commander would understand where her actions had come from. Raven knew she had
done a lot of damage, but she hoped that Lexa would understand. The last thing she wanted was to
be subjected to the version of Lexa that had sent her out of Polis. A Lexa that was cold and
detached, a Lexa that was understandably heartbroken over Raven’s decision.
“Hey,” Lexa said as she pulled away, sending a current of fear shooting down Raven’s spine. Lexa
had probably changed her mind, she had realized that what Raven had done was too awful, too
cruel, too unforgivable… and because of that, she would probably kick the omega out of her room.
“I could never hate you,” Lexa said, her tired eyes glistening under the harsh lights of the medbay
as they reflected the paleness of grey metal.
“But I… are you sure?” Raven asked, allowing herself to feel a sliver of hope.
“I am completely certain. Please, don’t cry. Let’s just go to sleep, okay? Being angry at you is quite
exhausting,” Lexa said, offering the omega a tiny smile, sweet and full of promise.
Raven let out a quiet chuckle, burying herself closer to the alpha and taking in her calming scent.
Lexa was doing all she could to make her feel better, her scent was safe and reassuring, sweet and
fresh, allowing the omega to breathe easier. Her touch was gentle but firm, leaving no place for
doubt; and most importantly, her eyes, her gaze, it was honest. It let Raven know that Lexa was
expressing nothing but the truth.
“We will fix this and with time we will be okay, stronger than before. I promise you,” Lexa
whispered, her words slurring slightly at the end with exhaustion. Having Raven near was better
than any medication Abby could give her, and she couldn’t keep herself from succumbing to the
overwhelming fatigue that assaulted her senses.
Raven could only watch as Lexa’s eyes, swollen and bruised as they were, rapidly fell shut. Her
breathing evened out next and before long her hold around Raven was growing limp. Raven moved
closer still, hiding her face against the alpha’s sweet-smelling neck and tightening her hold around
her body. That was what she wanted, that was what she needed and she couldn’t let go. At the same
time, she couldn’t help but wonder if they could really be fixed. Lexa was there, willing to do
whatever she had to do to make them better. And Raven wanted her more than anything, but she
couldn’t stop thinking that the Commander would be better, safer, without Raven there. Without
giving her enemies something to use against her.
“I’m sorry, Lexa,” Raven whispered against the alpha’s neck, her throat and chest aching with
emotion she couldn’t describe. “Please, I’m sorry.”
Forgive me for holding you so tight, Raven thought, when I know I’m not ready to choose to stay.
She got no answer, she knew Lexa was asleep but the lack of response still made her feel like she
was suffocating. She pushed herself closer to Lexa, tightening her hands around the alpha’s waist
and breathing deeply into the crook of her neck.
She knew she had been the one to leave, that she had caused their separation, but that had never
been what she truly wanted. She had broken her own heart; she had broken Lexa’s and even while
she had been willing to stand by her decision for Lexa’s safety, she had clearly overestimated her
ability to do so. Being away from Lexa was too painful, knowing that she had been the one to cause
her suffering felt even worse and Raven still felt torn in two. Her need to keep Lexa safe and her
desire to be with her and allow herself to love her were notions that just wouldn’t align, and Raven
didn’t know what to do about it. She wanted to be with Lexa, she loved her, but she couldn’t stand
the thought of putting her in danger. It was too much, it was too much, it was too-
“Ray, please,” Lexa mumbled quietly, more asleep than awake as she pressed a gentle kiss on
Raven’s forehead, leaving her lips just gently pressed there, brushing against Raven’s soft skin with
every word she spoke. “Just sleep, we are safe here. I’m with you and I am not letting you go,”
Lexa whispered, punctuating her words with the tightening of her hands around Raven’s body.
“I’m not letting you go.”
Somehow, those were the exact words she needed to hear. Her heart, previously tied in knots,
seemed to unravel all at once, sending soothing waves of relief down to her very toes and up to the
tips of her hair. She seemed to melt against Lexa’s chest, feeling the alpha’s gentle hands massage
her back.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, a rush of fear rising the hairs on the back of her
neck when Lexa pulled back.
But of course, there was only one thing that could come after that sentence.
Lexa’s hand moved up Raven’s back, fingers gentle at her neck as she tilted her head down. Her
lips were tender as they pressed against Raven’s, soothing in their warmth, reassuring as they
calmed the tremble in Raven’s chest, and so very sweet as they took the tears away. Raven felt her
right there, her mouth moving so very slowly, her fingers drawing tiny circles on Raven’s neck,
making her shiver.
“I can say things like that because I’m only being honest,” Lexa whispered against Raven’s lips,
placing soft pecks all over her mouth, down her chin and over the tip of her nose.
“How can you be like this after I abandoned you?” Raven asked, staring up into sleepy green eyes.
“Be how? Furious?” Lexa said with a smile, tracing Raven’s cheekbone with her thumb, looking
down at her with adoring green eyes.
“Please Lexa, don’t look at me like that,” Raven said, her heart softening in her chest in impossible
ways. She brought her hand up and covered Lexa’s eyes with her palm, startling a short laugh out
of the alpha.
“I don’t know how else to look at you, Raven,” Lexa said, a lopsided smile on her face, not even
bothering to remove Raven’s hand from her eyes.
“You have never looked at me like this before.”
Lexa removed Raven’s hand from her eyes and looked down at the omega with a frown.
“Either I am very good at hiding how I feel, or you have done a good job refusing to see it. And
judging by the fact that my judgment is being questioned because of my very obvious feelings
towards you, I would assume that this is not about how good I am at being subtle,” Lexa said,
leaning in to place a long kiss on Raven’s forehead.
“You also kissed me in front of everyone,” Raven mentioned, a tiny smile blooming on the corner
of her lips.
“I did,” Lexa said with a smile, nuzzling her nose against Raven’s and pressing a soft kiss against
her lips.
“And you got a tattoo,” Raven mumbled against Lexa’s lips, feeling as the alpha’s hand moved
down her back, tightening at her waist and pulling her flush against Lexa’s chest.
“I did.” This time Lexa’s kiss was much deeper, her whole body leaning against Raven’s as she
parted her lips, pushing in hotly and flicking her tongue lightly against the omega’s. Raven’s brows
furrowed in pleasure, her toes curling and her gut clenching as Lexa pushed a muscular thigh
between her own.
“We can’t have sex here,” Raven gasped between kisses, barely able to say anything under Lexa’s
wanting lips.
“Yes, we can,” Lexa responded immediately, pressing her thigh more firmly against Raven’s
center.
“Fucking hell!” Raven cursed, the friction sending tremors down her spine. “Lexa, we can’t.”
“Yes, we can.” Lexa’s hand moved lower, her fingers tightening on Raven’s ass, pulling her harder
against her thigh.
“Oh god! Lexa! We are in the medbay!” Raven whispered desperately, barely able to focus as Lexa
continued to grind against her.
“I don’t know what your point is,” Lexa whispered as her mouth left a trail of open-mouthed kisses
down the column of Raven’s neck. “And you are not telling me to stop.”
“We are in the medbay!” Raven said, putting as much emphasis as she could on the last word. A
moan escaping out of her mouth when Lexa delivered a stinging bite to the crook of her shoulder.
Lexa let out a huff and removed the sheets from her body, standing from the bed and walking
towards the door in only her tight undershorts and her skin tight undershirt.
“Lexa! Lexa! Wait!” Raven said as she rushed out of the bed. She was too late, Lexa had already
opened the door and was getting the attention of a group of nurses that were standing by, along
with Abby and Lana, who were speaking quietly to each other.
“Excuse me, nurses, would you say that the quality of the medbay beds is good?” the Commander
asked. The nurses turned to look at her, eyes widening at her state of undress. Raven could see how
their eyes simultaneously moved down, widening even further at the surely noticeable swell of the
Commander's cock before moving up to her face.
“Commander, I would say the quality is good, are you uncomfortable?” one of the nurses asked,
her omega pheromones flaring as noticeably as the red flush on her cheeks. Raven could only look
at Abby, the doctor had covered her mouth with one of her hands, probably trying to hide her
amusement. It seemed that the possibility of the Commander being mate sick and developing rut
symptoms after being reunited with Raven grew stronger with every second that passed.
“Would the bed collapse if I were to have sex with Raven on it?” Lexa asked then, her tone
deadpan and flat.
“Oh my god,” Raven whispered to herself, clenching her thighs to try and calm the spike of arousal
that bubbled in her center.
“I think that would depend, Commander,” the nurse responded, her flush moving up her ears, “on
how hard you-” another nurse smacked her on the arm, immediately cutting her off.
“No, Commander, it would be unlikely for those beds to collapse, they are made of metal,” the
other nurse responded, probably a beta, she was unabashedly staring at the Commander’s body,
but she was much more composed than the others.
“Wonderful,” the Commander said, turning her back on the nurses and moving back inside the
room. The door closed behind her as she stepped towards Raven, picking her up swiftly and
walking her back towards the bed. She placed her gently on the mattress and immediately buried
her gorgeous face against the omega’s neck.
“Lexa, we can’t have sex here,” Raven whispered once more, hearing the alpha sigh and pull
away.
“When you don’t let me sleep it is usually so we can have sex, I don’t know what you want. This is
a perfectly appropriate surface,” Lexa said, looking both tired and frustrated as she remained
standing between Raven’s legs.
“It’s not about the surface, my people are standing right outside!” Raven stated as she pointed
furiously towards the door and the glass windows. They would be seen, there was no way around
it.
“In Polis you told me to fuck you hard enough for all the people in the markets to hear you, and
now you are embarrassed about having sex here? I’m confused,” Lexa mumbled, letting her head
fall against Raven’s shoulder.
“Yeah Lex, but Abby is like a motherly figure to me, just thinking about her makes this whole
situation really awkward for me,” Raven said, rubbing the back of the alpha’s neck gently. Lexa
just let out a soft groan in response, hugging Raven by the waist and nestling her head on the crook
of her neck. “Besides, I know that the medication Abby put you on hasn’t fully worn off and you
are very tired and very out of it.” Lexa pulled back at once.
“I’m perfectly capable of having sex with you right now, Raven,” Lexa said very seriously, though
the heaviness in her eyes completely contradicted her statement.
“I know, believe me, I know. I just can’t get in the mood while we are here. Let’s just go back to
bed, yes?” Raven asked, hearing Lexa let out a soft sigh before getting into bed once more.
Raven cuddled against her chest, letting her head settle on Lexa’s shoulder before the alpha pulled
the sheets up, tucking them right above Raven’s shoulders. She felt Lexa press a soft kiss on the
crown of her head before the alpha finally allowed her head to rest back against the pillows.
“Just sleep, okay? You will feel much better when the medicine wears off,” Raven whispered,
letting her hand linger on Lexa’s chest, tracing the little bit of the sun tattoo that the alpha’s
undershirt wasn’t covering.
“I feel perfectly fine,” Lexa mumbled, unable to open her eyes with Raven’s scent thick in her nose.
“Sure you do,” Raven said, rolling her eyes. “I don’t know how you went from asking me if you
could kiss me to almost fucking me in front of everyone,” She said, a laugh in her tone as she did
her best to pump out her pheromones, hoping the alpha would fall asleep quicker. She knew exactly
what was happening, she knew that the mix between the meds and the rut symptoms were already
throwing off the Commander’s usual behavior, but she wanted to know if the alpha was aware of
those things.
“My people have no care over nudity and we respect sexual intercourse as it is necessary for our
survival. I doubt your people would have stayed to look, and after your poor decision making in
Polis, I decided it was my turn to take control of things, your judgment can’t be trusted, you’d ruin
us,” Lexa mumbled, more asleep than awake at that point. Raven smacked her gently on the chest,
making the alpha’s lips curl up into a small smile.
“Well, thank you,” Raven said, evidently amused as she traced the edge of Lexa’s jaw with the
bridge of her nose. “Just sleep.”
“Talk to me, hearing your voice always helps,” Lexa whispered, comfortably drawing circles over
Raven’s back.
“Of course,” Raven said. As usual, she started to talk about the stars, the pads of her fingers tracing
the thin lines of the sun that rested over the alpha’s sternum. In mere minutes Lexa’s breathing had
deepened and slowed, her limbs growing heavy as they surrounded Raven’s body.
Raven pushed herself up just slightly, knowing that moving too much would surely wake Lexa up.
She looked down at the alpha’s sleeping face, smiling a little as she leaned down to place a soft
kiss on her cheek. She settled back down, her head resting on Lexa’s chest as she curled an arm
around the alpha’s middle, tightening her hold around her and closing her eyes.
Raven could only hope for time to stop, for them to stay frozen in that moment, safe from anything
that might hurt them. She knew that it was a foolish thought and that all she could do was wait for
Lexa to wake up. She could only hope that after having properly rested the Commander still felt
the same way, and that everything she had said wasn’t just a symptom, a result of a drugged and
sleep-deprived brain. She could only hope…
…………………………………..
“Commander, I’m afraid we must start testing you now. Your people grow restless, we have done
our best to distract them, but Titus’ patience is wearing thin,” Abby said, waking Raven up. The
omega tilted her head back, the bridge of her nose bumping against Lexa’s jaw.
“I still feel quite tired and dazed,” the Commander mumbled then, tightening her hold around
Raven’s body and pressing lazy kisses against the side of her head. She was barely awake and both
Abby and Raven could see that.
“The medication we put you on is wearing off slower than we expected it to, thankfully the scans
take some time so by the time we are done with that you should be more awake. Just wait here for
a moment, I’ll send a nurse to get you ready,” Abby explained and the Commander nodded, trying
her best to keep her eyes open. She blinked quickly, her eyes meeting Raven’s.
“Hello,” Lexa whispered, tilting her head down to nuzzle her nose against the omega’s.
“Hello,” Raven responded, smiling to herself as her heart went wild in her chest. She was sure that
Lexa could feel it, they were just too close.
“I’m going to kiss you now,” Lexa stated, waiting a moment for approval and moving in only when
Raven nodded her head. Lexa’s soft lips fell against her own, they were sweet and gentle, pressing
against the omega’s lovingly, with no rush, and carrying all the care they could muster.
“A moment ago you were going to have sex with me in front of everyone in this same bed and now
you are waiting for approval to kiss me?” Raven said, arching her eyebrows with a smile.
“I’m quite medicated,” Lexa responded simply, making Raven recoil with worry.
“Was everything you said a result of the medication?”
“No, I do want to have sex with you and I meant every word I said. I just wouldn’t have been so
insistent. You were uncomfortable and that wasn’t quite registering in my brain then. Forgive me,”
Lexa said softly, leaning her forehead against Raven’s and feeling the omega’s cheeks burn under
her palms. “It doesn't matter how much I want you, how much I’m aching to be inside of you, and
how much my mouth waters at the thought of your taste… I would never force you…” Lexa said
innocently, unaware of how her words were affecting the omega. Raven’s insides were on fire, her
mouth having gone completely dry. She clenched her jaw, trying to keep a moan from escaping the
depths of her lungs. “This medication seems to be loosening the tight grip I usually have on my
words and my desires. The last thing I want is to make you feel uncomfortable. I would never force
you; I promise.”
“I know-” Raven barely got a word out before Lexa was kissing her again, her hand trailed up
Raven’s spine, her palm holding onto the back of the omega’s neck. Raven’s eyes fluttered closed,
a contented sigh leaving the back of her throat as Lexa gently sucked on her bottom lip.
“Forgive me, it is so hard to resist…” Lexa murmured, her eyes hooded and her breath warm and
moist against Raven’s lips. “I want you so badly and I don’t know when you will try to push me
away again. Every second could be our last, I can’t let them go to waste.”
The comment made Raven’s stomach roll, she figured she deserved it after abandoning Lexa in
Polis. She tried to say something, but Lexa’s mouth was back on hers and Raven couldn’t stop
herself from melting into the alpha’s strong chest. The noise in her head going silent with every
stroke of the Commander’s tongue against her own.
Someone cleared their throat then, and Raven had to pull herself away to look at the flushed nurse
that was standing in the doorway.
“She’s going to get you ready for those tests, okay?” Raven said, tucking a loose strand of brunette
hair behind Lexa’s ear. “Be good, don’t make the nurse uncomfortable.”
“Okay,” Lexa said with a small smile, letting the nurse do her job before she was taken to the MRI
machine.
……………………………
“Abby, is the medication really making her like this?” Raven asked, still a little red in the face as
she watched Lexa laying inside the MRI machine. Already knowing that it was probably the rut
symptoms that followed the mate sickness. For a moment Raven wondered if she would be having
heat symptoms if she didn’t have the implant. Was her bond with Lexa developed enough to
provoke heat symptoms after being separated from the alpha?
“Could be, but I find it unlikely,” Abby said, her eyes on the screens in front of her. “I think it has
more to do with the mate sickness and the fact that she has found herself in close quarters with the
object of her affections. She thought she had lost you, Raven, she was forced to be away from you.
For the first time in months, she went almost 8 days without hearing your voice, from what Lana
has explained, that is more than an alpha with a bond as developed as hers can take.”
“So, you think all of this is really mate sickness? Really?” Raven asked, not knowing why she was
having so much trouble accepting that Lexa’s bond with her was far deeper than she could possibly
imagine.
“It would make sense of the hallucinations she was having,” Abby said then, finally turning to look
at Raven. “Of what the hallucination was saying.”
“What?” Raven asked, blinking quickly in confusion.
“She was seeing the mate she already lost, and from the side of the conversation that Lana could
hear, said hallucination was pushing Lexa to come here and make things better with you,” Abby
explained, watching Raven’s mouth part slightly in shock. “Everything in her, her mind, her
body… everything in her was telling her to come to you. And I’m telling you, Raven, there’s no
way that a case of insomnia can do that. Either she is mate sick, or there is something really wrong
with her brain.”
“Right,” Raven said then, not knowing what to think. Her brain felt frozen still and she was having
a hard time getting it back on track. “So, if I still wanted to stay away to protect her, I couldn’t do
that? It would make her sick?”
“Before answering that I want you to look and me and tell me that you can see yourself in the
future without her,” Abby said then, locking her gaze with the omega’s. “Is that something you can
do? Can you picture the next five years of your life without the Commander?”
Five years. Five years. Five years.
Without Lexa.
Without. Without. Without. Without.
Raven felt her stomach violently lurch. Her eyes watered as she clamped her hand over her mouth,
doing what she could to not spill the contents of her stomach on the medbay’s floors.
“Yeah, easy,” Abby whispered gently as she helped Raven onto a chair. “Just take a deep breath.
Look, I’m sure that if I studied mate sickness and talked with some grounder healers, I would be
able to find something to manage the symptoms. Apparently, they already have something to help
with that, but do you really want to spend the rest of your life without her?”
“Of course not, Abby!” Raven snapped angrily. “This has never been about want, this about need.
She needs to be away from me to stay safe!”
“For how long would that work? Look at her, only 8 days and she’s a mess. Let’s assume she is put
under the grounder medication to ease the symptoms. Her body will get used to it. Our bodies are
designed to adapt. It might not happen right away but she will have to be put in higher and higher
doses of the medication until it eventually doesn’t work. And she’s barely stepping into her
twenties, just like you, how much time do you have until both of your bodies develop a resistance
to the medication, what then?” Abby asked, reaching up with her hands to brush the tears away
from Raven’s cheeks.
“Then you find something else that works,” Raven exclaimed, trying to keep herself from sobbing
as she covered her face with her hands. “I don’t know Abby, I don’t know. It seems that there is no
way out of this. Whatever I decide she gets hurt.”
“And you get hurt,” Abby said strongly, squeezing Raven’s hands in her own. “Don’t you see,
Raven? You are in pain, you are hurt, this separation is not doing anyone any good, why keep
fighting it?”
“Because I can handle this, I can deal with this pain if that means that she gets to live!” Raven said,
barely believing the words that were coming out of her mouth. Could she really do that? Or was
she overestimating her ability to live a life without Lexa?
“Doctor Griffin,” A nurse said suddenly, interrupting their conversation. “The scans are ready.”
“Thank you,” Abby said, giving Raven’s hands one last squeeze before checking the results.
Raven watched quietly, staring at the images of Lexa’s brain from over Abby’s shoulder and not
really understanding what she was seeing.
“Is there something wrong?” Raven asked when a few minutes passed and Abby was still looking
intently at the images.
“No, absolutely nothing wrong here,” Abby said, standing up and walking towards the
Commander, who was sitting on the MRI machine with Lana helping her change into her pants and
coat.
“Everything okay?” the Commander asked as she stood up. She was talking to Abby but her eyes
were on Raven.
“Yes, all clear. We need to talk, so if both of you could walk with me to my office,” Abby said,
guiding Raven and the Commander to her office and closing the door behind them, making sure
they would not be heard.
“What is it? I thought there was nothing wrong?” the Commander asked as she pulled a chair out
for Raven to sit on. The omega whispered a quiet thank you, watching the alpha take a sit by her
side in front of Abby’s desk.
“Yes, so right now we have two theories. Either you need to be treated for insomnia, or you might
get better just by being close to Raven,” Abby said, Raven felt her cheeks heat up, watching as
Lexa frowned in confusion.
“You think I might get better by being close to Raven?” Lexa asked then, arching her eyebrows.
Raven could almost hear her brain working.
“Yeah, crazy right?” Raven asked, trying to laugh it off. Lexa turned to look at her for a second, a
sudden realization falling over her eyes.
“You think this is mate sickness,” the Commander stated, but Raven knew it was a question.
“I honestly cannot tell, our people don’t suffer from anything like that, probably because mated
pairs are never too far from each other. Our living arrangements back in space didn’t allow for
much distance,” Abby explained, “however, this is a theory I would like to test. I would like to give
it a few days. If you get better just by being here, by being closer to Raven, then we have to
assume that the insomnia was just a symptom of mate sickness and go from there. If you do not get
better then we will create a treatment plan for insomnia that adjusts to your needs.”
“Okay,” Lexa said simply.
“Okay?!” Raven exclaimed, turning to look at Lexa with wide eyes. “You actually think this could
be mate sickness?”
“Of course. It makes perfect sense. I don’t know why I didn’t think of that sooner,” Lexa said,
waving her hand around like it was nothing and turning back to Abby.
“Thank you, doctor, I feel much better now that I have slept. I would like to wash myself now, I’m
sure my presence must have been requested multiple times by now.”
“Of course, your room is ready as usual. Your things have already been delivered there. Raven will
walk you there while I take Lana for some breakfast,” Abby said.
“Perfect.” Lexa stood up, walked towards the door, and held it open. Raven was still frozen in her
seat. “Raven, would you walk me to my room?”
“Sure, sure,” the omega said, clearing her throat and rushing out of the office with Lexa just a few
steps behind her.
…………………………………………
“Would you come into the shower with me?” Lexa asked as she took off her shirt, standing in front
of Raven in only her pants and bindings. The rippling muscles of her arms and shoulders were left
on show, along with the tan skin of her abdomen that tightly stretched across well-defined
obliques. “I promise I won’t do anything you don’t want me to. I would never. I just want to hold
you for a moment, I will be very busy today and I… I have missed you.”
“I’m surprised you even want me to be in your presence at all,” Raven said with a hollow chuckle
as she reached down to unbuckle her brace.
Lexa’s fingers were suddenly brushing over the back of her hand, they were gentle and soft as they
took over Raven’s motions, removing the brace for the omega as she crouched by her feet.
“You shouldn’t be surprised, I’m not the one who left,” Lexa said, not a trace of malice in her
voice as she straightened, pushing Raven’s jacket down her shoulders.
Raven swallowed hard, feeling the comment sting furiously. Her heart squeezed painfully in her
chest as she stayed quiet, avoiding Lexa’s eyes.
“Hey,” Lexa whispered then, her voice soft as ever. Her fingers hooked under Raven’s chin, tilting
her head up so their eyes would meet. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. What I was trying to say is that I
would never choose not to be in your presence. I would never choose for you to leave.”
“I would understand if you were trying to hurt me. I know I did a lot of that to you,” Raven said as
she felt the back of Lexa’s fingers brush against her lower abs. The alpha had taken hold of the hem
of her shirt and was swiftly pulling it off of her.
“I wouldn’t choose to hurt you, or consciously try to do so. And I don’t want to talk. I want to hold
you; will you allow me that?” Lexa asked, green eyes tender and soft as they looked into Raven’s.
The omega could only nod as she let her pants and underwear fall to the floor. Lexa helped her into
the shower and Raven made quick work of the knobs. Soon, a steady current of water was falling
over their heads, soaking their hair and letting translucent water drops slide down their bare skin.
Lexa didn’t wait to pull Raven closer. The omega heard it, the small sigh of relief that escaped
Lexa’s mouth as her bare chest pushed against Raven’s. Lexa’s hands immediately moved to curl
around the omega’s slim waist, her strong arms tightened around Raven’s body, unwilling to let go.
Raven couldn’t stop herself from reciprocating the gesture, her arms wrapping around the alpha’s
body. She was careful to let her hands rest over the back of her strong shoulders, unsure about
letting her fingers wander over Lexa’s scarred back, she knew that the alpha could be quite
sensitive about it sometimes.
Lexa took one more step forward, leaving them flush against each other. Abdomens and thighs
touched as knees bumped against one another. Raven felt as Lexa let her head fall against her
shoulder, turning her head to the side so she could bury her face against the omega’s neck. Raven
felt as Lexa took a deep, stuttering breath, her chest pushing against Raven’s own.
“Lexa-” Raven tried to say, but the Commander interrupted her right away.
“Please, I don’t want to talk,” Lexa said, leaving Raven to nod against her shoulder.
The omega felt Lexa’s hands next. They traced the bones of her shoulders, moved along the
contour of her shoulder blades, and moved lower over the bumps of her spine. Soft fingers stroked
Raven’s skin, caressing gently the raised skin of her scar, before moving lower to draw over the
swell of her ass. Surprisingly, it didn’t feel lustful at all. Raven breathed in and all she got were
lungs full of pain and sadness, latching onto Lexa’s scent and not letting her sense anything else.
Raven knew then, Lexa might speak of anger and fury, but she was more hurt than anything else.
The Commander pulled away then, making Raven turn away so they could be pressed front to
back. The omega felt the Commander’s soft breast press against her back just as her hands came to
rest on her collarbones. The pads of Lexa’s fingers dipped in the hollow of Raven’s throat, they
traced her sternum, leaving her palms to fall over the hills that formed Raven’s breasts, her hold
tightening just slightly before her hands moved lower, tracing the spaces between Raven’s rids
before moving down towards her soft abdomen. Raven sucked in a sharp breath when she felt one
of Lexa’s hand cover the scarring there, where the bullet had entered before lodging in her spine.
The Commander traced the raised skin before burying her face against Raven’s neck, her arms
tightly hugging onto the omega’s middle.
“Lex-” Raven started, cutting herself off when she remembered that the Commander had said she
didn’t want to talk. Lexa seemed able to read her mind then, for she responded exactly what Raven
wanted to know without the omega having to say a word.
“I’m committing your body to memory… for when you push me away again,” Lexa whispered,
making Raven turn around to face her once more. The alpha’s hands moved up to cup Raven’s
face, her fingers splayed over the omega’s jaw, her thumbs brushed below her eyes, tracing her
cheekbones before they reached to feel the bridge of her nose. “The last time I held you… I didn’t
know it would be the last…” she said, her bottom lip shaking with every word as her fingers
moved to caress Raven’s temples, feeling the hard bone under her eyebrows before finally brushing
along the expanse of her forehead. “Now I am as ready as I can be.”
Raven could only watch, speechless, as Lexa’s chest heaved. Her jaw worked from side to side.
Her eyes were injected in black from the capillaries that had burst in the white of her eyes. Raven
couldn’t see her tears, the water falling over their heads wouldn’t allow for that, but she didn’t need
to see them to know they were there.
She did the only thing she could, leaning in to hold onto Lexa’s shoulders and pull her into a tight
hug. Feeling her own eyes sting as the alpha wrapped her up in her arms, her shoulders shaking in
Raven’s arms, as her chest continued to erratically push against the omega’s. No sounds were
coming out of Lexa’s mouth, but Raven didn’t need them to know she was breaking from the
inside.
“I didn’t know it would be the last,” Lexa murmured again. Her voice was broken glass in Raven’s
ears, cutting into the omega with the sharpness of a dull blade. “I’m never going to be ready for the
last… but I… I can try-”
Raven could only hold her, running her hands down thick strands of brunette hair and massaging
gently the back of the alpha’s neck, hoping for her touch to be soothing enough.
Slowly, Lexa calmed down, her hold around Raven loosened as she took a step back. She began to
wash herself quickly, knowing that she had already taken too long in the shower and that people
were waiting for her.
Lexa left the shower earlier than Raven and by the time the omega was out the Commander was
fully clothed. Raven just sat on the bed, wrapped in her towel as the Commander pulled her wet
hair into its usual braids, her hands working with practiced ease. Soon she was finished, and Raven
could only watch as she put on her sash and shoulder pauldron.
After that came the deep breath, the one that forced Lexa to straighten her spine and push her
shoulders back. The one that helped her erase all feeling from her eyes. The one that forced Lexa
behind the Commander’s mask.
“I need to go now, but I hope to see you tonight,” Lexa said.
Raven could only nod before watching her go.
…………………
“Did you talk to her?” Octavia asked, startling Raven at her place of work.
“Shit, O!” Raven cursed, she was on edge and she would be until she was capable of having a
proper conversation with Lexa. “No, she doesn’t want to talk. She was kind of out of it earlier, not
really herself or being too herself, I don’t know. After that, she was very clear about not wanting to
talk. She’s killing me.”
“Maybe she fears that you are only going to open your big mouth to tell her that you are leaving her
again,” Octavia offered with a shrug.
“Lexa isn’t the type to avoid confrontation,” Raven said with a frown, not willing to believe what
Octavia was saying.
“You call it avoidance, I call it strategy. She gets to keep you around for as long as she postpones
the conversation. It’s kind of smart if you think about it. And she is the Commander, she must
know a thing or two about strategy,” Octavia said lightly, intentionally downplaying the
Commander’s abilities.
“You really think that could be it?” Raven asked, putting her tools down as she actually stopped for
a moment to consider Octavia’s words.
“You abandoned her Raven, one second you were there telling her that you were her bestie and that
you would always be with her and who knows what else, and the next second you were packing
your bags and dumping her ass to the wolves in Polis. Something like that comes with trust issues.
Even if you talked to her to tell her you are staying by her side, why should she believe anything
you say?” Octavia asked, picking up a random tool from Raven’s desk and waving it around
nonchalantly. “But if you don’t talk she doesn’t have to worry about getting her heartbroken if you
tell her you are out of her life, and she doesn’t have to try to believe you if you tell her you are
staying, which let’s be real, she probably won’t believe that if you do say it. See? It’s kind of smart.
Instead, she gets to shut you up with kisses, and we both know you won’t stop her because you are
dying to get back in her pants.”
“Sounds like avoidance, she doesn’t do avoidance,” Raven insisted, trying to reassure herself.
“Rae, you stuck your hand down her throat, grabbed her heart, ripped it out, and then threw it in her
face. She gets to not be the strongest alpha in the 13 Clans, she gets to be hurt and to try to avoid
getting hurt again,” Octavia said, giving Raven an unwavering look and squeezing her shoulder.
“Look, I don’t know her that well and I can’t be sure she is consciously deciding to avoid talking to
you about things, but could you really blame her if that is what she’s doing?”
“Guess not,” Raven grumbled under her breath.
“Yeah, thought so. If she keeps avoiding it you will have to put on your big girl pants and force the
conversation.”
Raven let out a huff.
“Didn’t you see what happened yesterday when she kissed me? If she looks at me just right, I
won’t be able to say anything. Surprisingly, she is better at talking than I am. What am I even
going to tell her? ‘Hey, I’m sorry for sticking my hand down your throat, ripping your heart out and
throwing it in your face. Really, my bad.’” Raven buried her face in her hands, letting out a
frustrated groan.
“That doesn’t sound too bad,” Octavia said, lifting her right shoulder in a half shrug.
“This is not the right time for you to mock me, O. I really don’t know what am I supposed to say.
It’s just like you said. Even if I say I want her back why would she believe me? I have told her that
before and I blew it,” Raven said, rubbing at her temples and feeling a tension headache begin to
build.
“Easy, don’t make any crazy promises. Just show her one day at a time. Tell her that, tell her that
you will show her. Just be there, your actions will speak for themselves,” Octavia said, waving her
hands around like it was obvious.
“But I’m still afraid, O, how can I speak to her or try to get her back when I still feel like I’m
choking at the mere thought of losing her, when I still feel so undeserving of the kind of feelings
she has for me,” Raven said and Octavia sighed then, not even surprised by the fact that Raven
couldn’t properly name Lexa’s feelings for her. “I want her, I know I want her, but I can’t stop
feeling like I’m not what's best for her. Leaving Polis was the easy part, having miles between us
made it simple, but now that she is here… She’s fighting so hard for us... and even if I need to push
her away to make sure she’s safe, how can I even do that when she’s here being so fucking perfect.
How can I push her away when she won’t let me? How can I leave her when that’s not really what I
want? I’m trying so hard to stay away, to keep her safe, and she just won’t let me. She’s driving me
insane!” Raven exclaimed, reaching up with her hands to hold her head desperately.
“Figure it out, Rae. The last thing she needs is for you to go back and forth. She probably has
enough trust issues as it is. You want her, she wants you. Do you realize how fucking rare that is? I
know you want to stay away to keep her safe, but maybe it's time you start realizing that maybe
that’s not something you can do.” Octavia stood up, patting her friend's shoulder on her way out.
“Oh, just remembered. Lincoln sent me here, your presence has been requested for the last meeting
of the day. Don’t be late.”
“What?!” Raven exclaimed loudly, turning towards her friend to see that she was already gone.
“Fuck!”
………………………
Raven entered the council room, trying to no look as nervous as she felt. She had never seen so
many people filling the small space. On one side of the table, there was the Commander along
with five or so of her Ambassadors and Titus. On the other side, there was the Skaikru council. She
should have been present in all the meetings but Abby had probably avoided having her there, it
wasn’t as necessary if Sinclair was present, but Raven guessed that her luck had run out.
Raven had barely let herself fall on her seat when one of the Commander’s ambassadors spoke.
“Heda, what is this omega doing here?” the man said with a growl, his hands curling into fists as a
sneer curled his lips. “It is no coincidence that the Skaikru bring this omega when we are about to
discuss the Mountain’s weaponry. They attempt to cloud your judgment!” The man exclaimed, his
voice rising in volume as he hit the table with his hands, making Raven jump where she sat.
“It is no coincidence because this omega happens to be the Skaikru expert when it comes to their
weapons,” Lexa said coldly, her eyes deadly cold as they fixed on the man. “Now, I am perfectly
capable of keeping my judgment clear when it comes to my duties as your Commander. That
clarity of mind is what has allowed me to deny the Union between Sangeda and Trikru through a
mating ritual. Let’s not pretend your concerns about my judgment have to do with anything other
than my refusal to marry your Princess.”
Raven’s brain froze. She starred at Lexa from her place on the table, her lips parted and her eyes
slightly widened with shock. Lexa had denied the chance to marry a Princess? And for what? To be
with Raven instead?
Similar thoughts seemed to cross the Sangeda Ambassador’s mind. In a second he was on his feet,
face burning red and hands hitting violently the metal table.
“You are refusing to marry my Princess! An omega of royal blood! And for what? To spend your
nights fucking a broken Skaikru omega?! One that won’t even be strong enough to carry your
children!”
Raven didn’t have enough time to think about the insults that had just come out of the man’s
mouth. Lexa was on her feet and she was absolutely livid. A wave of pheromones violently pushed
out of her body, forcing every single person in the room to bare their necks for the Commander.
Raven started to sweat from the effort to resist, finding it easier for being so constantly in contact
with Lexa’s pheromones. The Sangeda Ambassador wasn’t as lucky and dropped to his knees
limply like a sack of potatoes.
Raven watched as Lexa walked towards him, breathing out fury as she stood over the
Ambassador’s shaking body.
“What did you say?” Lexa asked, the sound of her voice cut through the air. Vicious, poisonous in
the way it made the fallen Ambassador shake even further. “Answer me. I want you to repeat each
word that just came out of your mouth.”
The man only whimpered in response and Raven could see that his response was only making Lexa
angrier. In the blink of an eye, Lexa had grabbed him by the collar of his coat, throwing him
violently on top of the table. Every person on the table jumped back in surprise, trying to get out of
the Commander’s way.
“You have no say over who I fuck and you have no say over who I choose to carry my pups. More
importantly, you don’t get to call Raven kom Skaikru, my chosen, broken or weak,” Lexa hissed
furiously, teeth bared dangerously as her fingers tightened around the man’s throat.
My chosen.
The words ran in Raven’s head. She couldn’t breathe. For a second everything around her faded.
The Skaikru weren’t watching the scene horrified. The Ambassadors and Titus weren’t starring
with gaping mouths. Lexa wasn’t choking a man to death in front of all of them. For a second, the
only thing that existed in Raven’s mind were those words.
My chosen.
“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t kill you right now,” Lexa demanded, tightening her
hold around the man’s neck even further. He wouldn’t be able to talk even if he tried. “Where is
that vicious tongue from before? The one you used to insult my chosen in my face.” The words
escaped Lexa’s mouth like bullets, tears had started dripping down the man’s temples, falling over
the grey metal of the table.
And all that Raven could hear, were those two words. My chosen. What could that mean other
than I love you?
Raven felt her heartbeat furiously in her chest. Her hands started to shake as feelings that she could
not begin to name started rushing up and down her body, barely giving her any time to process
them.
Lexa pulled the man up from the collar once more, throwing him on the ground before grabbing
onto the back of his coat and dragging him across the room until he was kneeling by Raven’s feet.
“Apologize!” Lexa demanded, pulling at her sash and holding it in her hands. In seconds she had it
wrapped around the man’s throat. “Either you start talking or I snap your neck. What will it be,
Ambassador?”
The man sobbed loudly, falling forwards to press his forehead against Raven’s boots.
“Forgive me, Raven kom Skaikru. Those words should have never left my mouth,” He continued
to sob, barely capable to tilt his head back to look at Raven in the eye. “I am deeply sorry and I
regret everything I said about you.”
“Is his apology sufficient for you, Raven?” the Commander asked then, her gaze softening just
slightly as it fell on Raven’s.
“Yes, it is,” Raven said quickly. Watching as Lexa tightened her sash around the man’s neck for a
second before letting him go, leaving the Ambassador panting and coughing against the metal
floors.
“Guards!” Lexa called then, two of her most trusted men coming in and picking up the
Ambassador from the floor, tilting his head back so he could face Lexa.
The Commander pulled a knife out of thin air and pushed the deadly edge of the blade against the
Ambassador’s throat.
“Know that the only reason why I let you live is so that you go back to your King and tell him that
I will no longer tolerate being pushed to mate his Princess. It is a disrespect to my chosen and I will
not have that. Do you understand?” Lexa asked, pushing the blade against his skin hard enough to
draw blood. The man nodded his head quickly, baring his neck for the Commander to see. The
stench of his fear was pungent in the room and Raven was not at all surprised when she saw a wet
spot develop in his pants. “You will no longer be accepted as an Ambassador for your Clan, and
you will no longer be accepted in Trikru land, if you are seen, you will be killed. Understood?”
The man nodded quickly once more and Lexa finally pulled him out of his misery, removing
herself from his sight and making her pheromones disappear just as fast as they had come. “Guards,
take him out of my sight and remove him from my lands.”
The man was dragged out of the council room and out of sight. Lexa stood before the rest of her
Ambassadors, Titus, and the Skaikru Council.
“Who I decide to fuck and who I decide to mate are my decisions. Mine only,” Lexa said, being as
crude as she could possibly be. “And I will not be making any kind of political alliances through
mating rituals between Clans.” She stopped for a moment, waiting for everyone in the room to nod
in understanding. “This meeting is finished. We will continue it tomorrow. You are all dismissed.”
Lexa turned her back on them, not giving anyone a second look before she walked out of the room.
Raven struggled to follow her, trying to push herself to catch up with the Commander’s long strides
until she finally had the alpha’s coat at her fingertips.
“Hey, wait! Stop!” Raven said, holding onto Lexa’s arm and bringing her to a standstill. “What is
this thing about you mating a Princess, Lexa?”
The Commander let out a sigh and looked around, catching sight of her guards and other members
of the Skaikru. She took hold of Raven’s arm and pulled her towards her room, wishing to speak to
her in private.
“It is something the King of the Sangeda has been pushing for since I formed the Coalition. He has
a daughter, an omega, and he believes he will have a stronger position in the Coalition if she
became my mate. I have no intention of helping any Clan come above the others so I have been
denying ever since. When I had Costia it was easier, but since I lost her his requests have been
coming more and more frequently.” Lexa let out a sigh and let go of Raven’s arm, taking a step
away from her. “It is possible that the challenge had nothing to do with me supposedly favoring
your clan… it is possible that the Sangeda Ambassador simply saw you as a threat to a possible
permanent union between Trikru and Sangeda.”
Raven swallowed hard, the beat of her heart deafening her ears.
“If you have an omega that is not only willing to be your mate but that is also a fucking Princess…
then what the fuck are you doing with me, Lexa? What are you playing at?” Raven asked, her eyes
burning with sadness and fury. “She’s probably beautiful, she probably can walk just fine, she
probably can run with you and climb trees and ride horses. She probably could have sex with you
for ages without her leg cramping up so badly that she needs to stop. She probably has some sense
of how to run a Clan. She could help you with your duties… but instead, you say you don’t want
her and you are here, with me. What the hell are you playing at?!” She was screaming, she knew
she was, and she knew that Lexa didn’t deserve it, but she just couldn’t stop. “I’m not a fucking
Princess, Lexa! What can I give you that she can’t?!”
“Raven,” Lexa said gently, her gaze impossibly soft. A tiny smile was pulling at the corner of her
lips. Raven’s heart immediately started to race.
“No! Stop! Don’t you dare look at me like that right now!” Raven said, closing her eyes and
turning her back on Lexa. Moments later she felt a solid chest pressing against her back, strong
arms curling around her middle. Lexa’s chin settled on her shoulder and the softest kisses were
pressed just below her ear. That closeness allowed Raven to hear Lexa’s quiet laughter. “Are you
seriously laughing at me right now?”
“Yes,” Lexa breathed against her neck, nuzzling her nose against Raven’s soft skin. “Just the idea
that a Princess could even hold a candle to you is completely ridiculous. No Princess can give me
what you give me.” Raven felt Lexa’s arms fall from around her waist. She heard the
Commander’s soft steps and felt the alpha’s hands reach up to cup her cheeks.
“Raven, open your eyes,” the Commander said, but Raven just clutched her eyes shut as hard as she
could.
“I will open them if your promise you won’t be looking at me that way,” Raven said stubbornly,
shaking her head as best as she could while Lexa brushed her thumbs over the sides of her jaw.
“I don’t know how else to look at you. I can’t stop it. Please, look at me.”
“Stop looking at me like that and I will,” Raven insisted, clutching her eyes shut even harder.
“You leave me no choice,” Lexa said and a current of fear shot down Raven’s spine. There was no
need to be afraid though, for the next thing she felt was the soft press of lips against her closed
eyes. It was the gentlest of all touches, light and so very gentle, the Commander’s lips barely
exerting any pressure against the omega’s closed lips. “There you are,” the Commander said with a
small smile on her lips, her green eyes fixed on Raven’s brown ones. “Hello.”
“Lexa, please,” Raven begged, barely able to hold Lexa’s intense gaze.
“Just listen to me, look me in the eye, and see that I am being honest,” Lexa whispered urgently,
bending at the knees to properly look into Raven’s eyes. “I don’t want a Princess. I want you.”
Raven felt a sob build in her chest and escape her mouth before she could stop it. She fell against
Lexa’s chest, her mind a mess, her hands shaking so hard she could barely wrap them around
Lexa’s back. Her fingers tightened with difficulty around the Commander’s coat, doing what she
could to keep her close, to make sure she wouldn’t leave.
“That doesn’t make any sense, Lexa! People never want me enough, there is always something or
someone that they want more. And you are the Commander,” Raven cried, burying her face
against Lexa’s shoulder to try and avoid looking into her eyes. “You can have whoever you want,
you can have a perfect Princess, someone who is beautiful and smart, someone that won’t need a
stupid brace to properly walk, someone that doesn’t leave as soon as things get hard.”
“Raven,” Lexa whispered, brushing her hand up and down the omega’s back. “You are beautiful
and smart; you are the most intelligent person I know. And your brace is not stupid, you build it
and it helps you walk. You did the same for Koa, remember? And now, because of you, he gets to
walk too.” The Commander pulled back and Raven found herself, once again, under the ferocity of
her gaze. “No one makes me smile the way you do, no one calms my mind the way you do. And
no one, Raven, no one makes my heart race the way you do.” Raven felt the Commander pick up
her hand and place it over her chest, her palm resting right over the lines that formed the sun. And
surely, just like Lexa had said, right under Raven’s hand pulsed a racing heart. The rhythm was so
strong and so fast that Raven wouldn’t be surprised if the beating organ forced its way right out of
Lexa’s chest. “Can you feel it?” Lexa asked, resting both of her hands above Raven’s and holding
them there with barely any pressure.
“Yes,” Raven whispered quietly, nodding her head slowly as Lexa leaned in, brushing a kiss over
the omega’s forehead and pulling a tiny smile out of Raven.
“I breathe a little easier when you are around. I feel like I was drowning until you came along and
showed me how to breathe again. I feel truly alive when I’m by your side Raven, you fill me with
light, you give me light, and I all I ask is for you to allow me to reflect some of that light back to
you. I want you, Raven. I want you. I don’t want anyone else. No one else is you,” Lexa said
earnestly. Raven could only look back at her, brown eyes wide and reddened, disbelief shining in
their depths. She couldn’t believe what Lexa was saying, she didn’t know how to believe her. Lexa
seemed to understand, for she let out a little sigh, looking back at Raven with a small smile. “I am
going to kiss you now,” Lexa said, giving Raven time to refuse before fully pushing forwards and
pressing her mouth against the omega’s own.
Lexa kept the kiss soft and sweet, languid, and deep. She kissed Raven like she would never get to
kiss her again, burying her hands in soft brown hair and sighing against the omega’s warm mouth.
Raven could do nothing but hold onto Lexa’s neck and beg the skies for mercy, each press of
Lexa’s lips against her own sent tremors down her legs, made her cheeks flush and her knees weak.
She could feel the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end as Lexa’s hand moved down her
spine, tightening at her waist only to pull her closer, leaving the omega flush against the alpha’s
chest. All her weight held up by the alpha’s solid form, her legs having become useless long ago.
“I don’t know how to believe you,” Raven whispered breathlessly, tears leaving translucent tracks
down her cheeks as she pressed her forehead against Lexa’s, allowing herself to feel her right there.
Lexa was solid, unwavering in what she thought and what she felt, and Raven didn’t know how to
be with someone like that. With someone who wanted her as truly and as wholly as any person,
honest of heart, could want another. “I have never been wanted this way. I have never been
cherished like this. I don’t know how to receive it. I’m sorry, Lexa, I just don’t know how.”
“You don’t need to know right away. All I ask is for you to allow me to be here, to want you, and
to cherish you. I can promise you that I will always do it as best as I can. All I want is to be allowed
to be by your side,” Lexa whispered, just loud enough for Raven to hear, pulling back to be able to
look into the omega’s brown eyes. “You must know, Raven,” Lexa said passionately, her voice
steady and strong, “that you have tamed me. I am yours if you will have me. And I can assure you,
that for as long as I live, I shall want and cherish no other.”
“Lexa…” Raven whispered lovingly, she couldn’t begin to describe what she was feeling, but in
her chest, there was nothing but warmth, tenderness, and the erratic rhythm of a racing heart. She
didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how to respond to words that she couldn’t even wrap her
head around. Lexa could have anyone she wanted, but she wanted Raven, she had chosen Raven,
over everything and everyone else. Raven could not understand.
“Hey, it’s okay. Please, don’t cry,” Lexa said sweetly, brushing her thumb against Raven’s cheeks
to wipe away her tears. “I know I am just putting all of this on you and the last thing I want is to
burden you with my feelings. Forgive me, I can see that you are overwhelmed. I just couldn’t allow
you to think that I could choose to be with someone other than you.”
“No, please, don’t apologize,” Raven rushed to say, reaching up to hold the back of Lexa’s neck
and bury her fingers into the shorts hairs that rested there. “I am overwhelmed, but that’s not on
you. There are just so many things that played a part in the decision I made when I left Polis and I
still haven’t quite figured out how to express them to you,” Raven said, sounding clearly frustrated.
“There are so many things I need to tell you. I just don’t know how.”
“That’s okay,” Lexa said with a small frown, “I wouldn’t want you to push yourself, but I do want
to be around you while you find a way. Will you let me? Please, don’t push me away.”
Raven sighed, her stomach twisting with conflicting emotions.
“I will try not to. Is that enough?” Raven asked shyly, looking up at Lexa and feeling like she was
asking for too much.
“It is. I am still quite angry and hurt, so maybe we should give each other a couple of days to
process what we are feeling before having any serious conversations,” Lexa offered, looking back
at Raven with a tiny smile on her lips.
“You have a strange way of being angry and hurt,” Raven said, taking a step back and letting her
hands rest on Lexa’s chest.
“It’s like I already told you, Raven. I cherish you, and my anger doesn’t overshadow that feeling.
Maybe I will allow myself to live my anger differently once you finally allow me to be by your
side.” Lexa took a step forwards and brought the omega back into her arms, allowing Raven to rest
there, to be held.
“You sound pretty sure, you seem certain about me not pushing you away again,” Raven said, her
voice muffled against Lexa’s coat.
“I’m not certain, but I am very hopeful,” Lexa said and Raven could do nothing but feel her
stomach flutter as she buried her face against Lexa’s neck, breathing her in deeply and holding her
tightly.
“No one has ever made this kind of effort for me,” Raven whispered, feeling Lexa’s lips press
against the side of her head in response.
“For me, this doesn’t feel like an effort. Fighting for you is the easiest thing I have ever done. The
hard part was spending so many days thinking that I had lost you. The hard part was being in Polis,
fooling myself into thinking that there was nothing I could do. But when I made the decision to
fight for you, to not let you go, everything became so clear to me,” Lexa whispered, allowing
herself to rest her head against Raven’s. “I know what I want, Raven. I want you. And I won’t stop
fighting for you until you look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t want me.”
Raven clutched her eyes shut, hiding against Lexa’s neck. There was no way she could say that
without lying and she knew that Lexa would see right through her. Lexa already knew, if only
Raven could decide to fight for them regardless of the consequences, regardless of her fears...
“If you allow me, I would like to show you how much I want you,” Lexa said softly as she stepped
back.
“How?” Raven asked, wide eyes looking up into Lexa’s green ones.
“We might not be very good at talking about our feelings, but there is one thing that we do quite
well together,” Lexa said, a tiny smile playing at the corner of her lips. “This morning you denied
me, and I don’t want to push if you don’t want to be with me like that. However, I didn’t know that
the last time I had you would be the last. And now, I don’t know if in a couple of days you will
decide to push me away again. So, while you are here, standing in front of me, I need you to know
that I want to have you one more time.”
“How can you want me like this after what I did to you?” Raven asked, her face twisted in a
confused frown as her stomach started to flutter.
“Because I know why you are afraid. Because I feel that I was made to want you and I don’t know
how to do anything else. Because I fear that if I don’t try right now, I will have no other chance
later,” Lexa said earnestly, reaching out to hold Raven’s hand in her own. “Let me show you how
much I want you.”
Raven only nodded silently, barely able to breathe through the frantic beat of her heart.
………………………
In seconds Lexa had lifted Raven from the floor, fitting her mouth to hers ardently as she lowered
her down to the bed. Raven had gasped in surprise, latching onto Lexa’s shoulders as her feet lost
contact with the ground. The Commander made quick work of her clothes, allowing herself a
roughness that had been lost for months. Once bare on the mattress Raven laid there while the
Commander simply looked down, her eyes moving up and down the omega’s body.
“I wish you could see what I see,” Lexa said then, her eyes moving up to look into Raven’s own.
“You are so perfect, Raven. How could I not want you?”
Raven felt herself shiver at the words, a soft tremor moving down her spine as their meaning
settled within her spirit. She was in no way perfect, her body was marred and scarred, not fully
functional. But still, Lexa wanted it, revered it, kissed it like it was holy… Her body might not be
perfect, but it was perfect in Lexa’s eyes. Maybe that was enough.
The Commander’s clothes were quickly discharged next, leaving Lexa completely bare,
completely draped over Raven’s body.
“You can’t possibly know what you do to me,” Lexa breathed in Raven’s ear, trailing kisses down
the column of the omega’s throat. “You don’t know how many nights I spent alone in my bed,
been brought to full hardness by the mere thought of your skin…” Lexa trailed off, her mouth
tracing wet kisses over the middle of Raven’s chest, her lips moving over to the right so her tongue
could flick and curl over the peak of Raven’s breast. “You don’t know how many times I would
lay there, aching furiously for the memory of your scent…” Her hands moved up, caressing
Raven’s arms all the way from her shoulders to her wrists, finally letting their fingers interlock.
The alpha gently tightening her digits around the omega’s. “You don’t know how many times I
brought myself to climax with the memory of your taste on my tongue,” Lexa whispered, sucking
on the omega’s breast until Raven was withering below her on the sheets.
The omega’s neck was twisted back, her pupils blown with the heat that the alpha’s words ignited
deep in her core. She couldn’t help but clench her thighs, feeling her clit throb and her opening
ache with the need to be filled. She couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of Lexa’s
mouth, none of those words had ever been said before, and Raven was usually the one to initiate
any kind of sexual interaction between them. But she knew one thing, Lexa would never lie to her.
“... you can’t possibly understand how I feel when you are so close. How my skin burns, how it
seems to prickle when it misses yours. It drives me mad, Raven, when you are so far and all I have
is the thought of you to keep me company,” Lexa whispered hotly, moving up again to press her
mouth against Raven’s in a deep kiss.
Raven couldn’t help but groan low into it, assaulted by the alpha’s teeth and tongue in the most
delicious of ways. Lexa’s mouth was hot against her own, dominating and possessive. Her lips
were the vehicle for her desire and their only need was to imprint themselves on Raven’s mouth,
kissing her like no one else had, like no one else ever would. Raven felt herself drip against the
sheets, the Commander’s words turning in her head over and over as the alpha continued her attack
on her mouth, refusing to let up for even a second and letting up only once Raven was dizzy for air.
“Look at me,” Lexa demanded, holding herself up with one arm as she tilted Raven’s chin down
with the other, forcing their eyes to meet. “See what you have made of me.” Lexa took Raven’s
hand and pushed it down below her waistline, forcing her palm to press against her hardened cock.
“Feel what you do to me,” Lexa said then. Raven could feel the alpha’s body shivering, trembling
under the touch of her hand. Her member was stiff to the point of pain, already leaking all over
Raven’s skin as the thick vein on its side pulsed rapidly.
Raven quietly cursed, as she felt the thick cock in her hand practically jump in response to her
touch.
“Do you feel how much I want you?” Lexa asked then, leaning down to rest her forehead against
Raven’s. “I spent years on my own, needing no one, wanting no one. And you come along and turn
me into an immature pup, painfully ready in just a couple of seconds by the thought of a pretty girl
alone. The thought of you does this to me, Raven. Do you see how much I want you?”
“Take me,” Raven said then, her eyes on Lexa’s. Watching as the green in her eyes was drowned
by the black of her pupils. “If you want me, take me.”
“I might not be gentle,” Lexa said, her voice strained.
“Take me,” Raven repeated, pressing the head of the Commander’s cock against her opening. “If
you want me, take me.”
Raven saw something unravel in Lexa’s gaze, something animalistic and raw, that pushed its way
out of the alpha’s tight grip of restraint in the form of a violent snap of her hips. Raven was
suddenly assaulted by hardness, pressure, and heat. The Commander having pushed all of her thick
length inside of her all at once, pulling a scream out of the omega’s lips.
Soon the only noise that matched the brutal hit of Lexa’s hips against her own was the dry sound of
metal against metal. The bed frame against the wall. For a second, Raven felt lost in what was
happening. The Commander’s grip around her wrists would bruise. The Commander’s sucking
kisses on her neck and her sharp bites along her collarbones, they would swell into purple, leaving
nothing but blotches on her skin and teeth marks. Her body responded well to it, always ready for
whatever Lexa had to give, always thoroughly pleased with Lexa’s actions. Her cunt shivered
around Lexa’s swelling hardness, sucking it in and clenching around it, pulling muffled grunts from
the alpha’s mouth. Her toes curled with the fast currents of pleasure that rushed down her legs and
her eyes rolled back with the rapid blood rush that spotted her sight white.
Soon her thighs would be wet with her slick and her womb would be filled with Lexa’s cum, but
still, she felt lost. Lexa was biting bruises around her breasts, was sharply tugging at her nipples in
a way that deliciously stung, was driving her cock inside of her harder than she ever had. The
Commander left only the tip of her cock remain inside while the rest of her length met the open air.
When she drove her cock back in, Raven’s whole body would rock with the impact. The omega
couldn’t help but pant and moan, barely able to push her hips up to meet the alpha’s frantic thrusts.
For a second Raven wondered if this was Lexa finally expressing her anger and her hurt. If this was
her being in pain, fucking Raven with a roughness that she had never allowed herself before, not
even when she had been in heat.
Raven realized she was wrong when Lexa’s lips pushed against her own, sucking the salt off her
tongue, biting and tugging at her bottom lip until all the omega could taste was iron.
“I want you. I want you. I want you,” Lexa repeated, again and again, her breath moist and hot
against Raven’s mouth. Her hands letting go of the omega’s wrists so they could move down her
middle, fingers immediately clenching at the omega’s hips, holding her possessively.
It wasn’t anger, Raven reasoned. It was fear, desperation.
She watched as Lexa knelt on the mattress, sitting back on her heels as she lifted Raven’s hips off
of the sheets. The new position allowed the omega to stare at the straining muscles of Lexa’s
shoulders and arms, at the protruding vein that pulsed rapidly at her neck. Her gaze moved lower,
past the swell of Lexa’s perfect breasts and her contracting abdominal muscles. The omega’s gaze
settled on the unholy place where their centers met, she watched her lips being spread, she watched
Lexa’s length drip with her slick, and she watched as the cock disappeared completely inside of her,
joining them, making them one. They were perfect like that, extraordinary, and Raven had ripped
them apart.
The omega felt Lexa’s fingers tighten around her hips, she saw the alpha’s knuckles turning white
and she felt as her thrusts became harder and faster still. The head of the Commander’s cock
constantly brushing against her front wall in a way that had Raven twisting her head back, her
spine arching as her chest was pushed up. Her center clenched tightly around Lexa’s shaft as a
strangled cry left her lips. Her hands sharply tugged at the bedsheets as she fell back against the
mattress, sweaty and out of breath, the aftershocks of her orgasm still rushing up and down her
veins.
“Lexa…” Raven whined, her hands burying in the alpha’s hair. The Commander was still fully
hard, her face buried against Raven’s neck as she mouthed at the salt that covered her skin. One of
her hands moved towards Raven’s chest, her fingers finding a soft mound and massaging it slowly.
Her hips had started a slow grind, rolling against Raven’s and pressing hard against her clit. “Fuck
Lex!” Raven moaned low, feeling as the ridge of something hard bumped the stiff bud, the
Commander’s thrusts suddenly becoming slightly shallow.
Raven’s eyes widened. Fuck, that was surely a knot pressing against her opening. The omega
reached down, palming at Lexa’s shoulders and neck. The alpha’s skin wasn’t just heated, Raven
noticed with a startle, it was feverish.
“Lex, look at me, please,” Raven said, tilting Lexa’s jaw up so their eyes would meet. Lexa’s
pupils weren’t just dilated, her eyes were fully black.
“You always feel so good,” Lexa moaned low, grinding her knot hard against Raven’s clit. “You
taste so good.” She lowered her head, giving Raven an open-mouthed kiss, her tongue flicking over
the roof of her mouth and tracing the bloody indentation she had left earlier with her teeth. “I want
you so badly, Raven,” she let out a little whine, sucking at Raven’s bottom lip to better taste her. “I
can’t wait until you are coming on my mouth.”
Raven shivered at the words. Her thoughts about the Commander’s possible rut leaving her mind
for a few seconds. Her hips rolled up, soft sighs leaving her mouth as the Commander’s knot
continued to push and prod her sensitive bud.
“I want you so much. It hurts so badly, Raven,” the Commander mumbled, the edge of her teeth
brushing over the omega’s throat. Raven could only whine in response, unconsciously clenching
her walls around the Commander’s shaft as her hands traveled low, her nails sinking on the tight
swell of Lexa’s ass, pulling her impossibly closer with every pump of the alpha’s lips. “You are
everything I want.” The constant roll of the Commander’s hips became more powerful, her knot
dangerously pushing against the omega’s opening, leaving behind a delicious sting that was
quickly threatening to push the omega over the edge. “I want you and no other,” Lexa continued,
leaving a line of slick with her tongue on the side of Raven’s neck. “I will always want you and
only you.” Her lips latched onto the skin of the omega’s neck, sucking harshly as she gave one last
sharp thrust, her knot bumping hard against the omega’s clit.
Raven screamed. Her neck twisted to the side, bare for the alpha to mark. Her walls spasmed
erratically around the alpha’s cock, tightening to the point of pain and triggering Lexa’s orgasm.
Rivulets of warm cum splashed against Raven’s insides, prolonging her climax and somehow
making each luscious aftershock stronger than the last. Lexa seemed to be pouring a river inside of
her and all Raven could do was tremble under the alpha’s powerful body, feeling her insides warm
with the alpha’s overflowing release.
“You are so beautiful,” Lexa whispered, resting her forehead against Raven’s and nuzzling her
nose against the omega’s.
Raven could feel herself smiling in response, warmth filling her chest as a wave of confusion
flooded her mind. Was that how mating felt like? Her neck didn’t even hurt that much. She opened
her eyes to look up at Lexa and found the alpha’s teeth lightly tinted black. She cupped Lexa’s
cheeks and frowned.
“Did you just bite yourself?”
“It was either my arm or your neck,” Lexa whispered, leaning down to kiss Raven’s lips.
Raven’s eyes immediately rolled to the back of her head. Her mouth pressed hotly against Lexa’s,
her tongue pushing in to get a little bit more of that intoxicating taste that flooded the alpha’s
mouth. A little bit of her blood, a little bit of Lexa’s, their joined essence making the kiss
impossibly intoxicating. Raven felt her heart race, her hand clenching hard over the back of Lexa’s
neck, her mouth opening wider to deepen the kiss.
“Fuck…” Raven whispered as she pulled back, panting for air. She couldn’t stop thinking how it
would feel like to sink her teeth on Lexa’s neck, how it would feel to have her blood fully filling
Raven’s mouth.
“That’s how I feel every time you kiss me. I can’t get enough,” Lexa whispered, her black eyes
staring down into Raven’s brown ones. “I don’t think I could have resisted knotting you if you had
been in heat.”
“Did you know you were entering rut?” Raven asked, pulling on the Commander’s back so the
alpha would rest at least some of her weight on top of her. The omega allowed herself to gently
caress the alpha’s strong arms, her fingers dipping in the valleys that separated one muscle from the
other.
“No, I’m early. I’m not sure this is a rut exactly,” Lexa mumbled, her eyes hooded with desire.
Raven knew it wasn’t, she knew that Lexa was only having rut-like symptoms as a result of the
mate sickness and from being reunited with her. “It is not uncommon for an alpha to develop rut-
like symptoms when they are going through very challenging emotions. I thought this would never
happen again, Raven, but here we are… For me, to be allowed to be this way with you… it is
maybe more than I can process,” Lexa whispered, leaning down and resting her forehead against
Raven’s. “I just had you and still, all I can think about is having you again and again. I fear
tomorrow I won’t be allowed this and because of that I just want to have you and never stop.”
“You need to know none of this is about want, Lex,” Raven whispered, drawing tiny circles over
the back of Lexa’s neck. “I was used as an excuse to kill you. And I don’t know how to make peace
with that. And there are so many things behind it, things that I don’t even know how to explain to
you-”
“Hey, hey, shhhh,” Lexa pressed her lips against Raven’s, calming her with a soothing kiss. “We
already talked about this, if you need more time to figure things out, I will give it to you. Maybe
the more time you take, the more I can do to convince you to let me stay by your side. Things are
quite fresh still, and I am happy with getting to kiss you while you think things through.”
“You seem quite content with not talking,” Raven whispered, happy that Lexa wasn’t pushing her
to talk right away.
“We are better at kissing anyway,” Lexa said, pressing a small smile against Raven’s lips. “Push
me away tomorrow if you want, but be mine tonight.”
“Okay,” Raven whispered against Lexa’s lips, hearing the alpha hum her content against her mouth
before she moved down.
Lexa’s lips traveled past the omega’s sternum, down her ribs, and towards her belly button. Soon
there was warm breath washing over Raven’s mound and fingers tensing around her thighs.
After that, all Raven could do was grip the sheets and hope for mercy.
………………………….
At some point Raven had lost track of herself, she had lost count of how many times she had
reached her peak on Lexa’s mouth, fingers, and cock. She knew they had stopped at some point.
She had been curled on her side with Lexa holding her from behind… She had been asleep, she
was almost sure, but then there had been something pressing against her lower back… and then she
wasn’t sleeping at all…
Waking up was definitely an interesting occurrence, she was sore in a million different ways and
she couldn’t picture herself getting out of bed. Someone would have to peel her out of those sheets
with a shovel. She was also alone, the sheets on her left had already cooled, Lexa had left a few
hours ago at least.
She heard a noise coming from the bathroom and assumed it was the Commander.
“Lexa?” Raven called, her voice hoarse and low. Her throat ached the slightest bit.
“Heda has been attending meetings during most of the morning,” Lana said as she came out of the
bathroom. “She apologizes for not being here, she is upset about how things went last night, and
she wasn’t sure if you would have been pleased with her presence.”
“What? Why?” Raven said, her face contorting into a grimace as she tried to get up.
“That’s why. She mentioned your body not being in the best state. I have prepared a hot bath, the
tea, and I have gathered the necessary oils to give you a massage after,” Lana said, reaching out to
help Raven up. The omega kept an arm around Lana’s shoulders while the other held a sheet
covering her body. The handmaiden helped her into the steaming tub and Raven couldn’t help but
let out a sigh of relief as her sore muscles were consumed by warmth.
“I’m fine,” Raven said with a wince and Lana only arched her eyebrows, offering her a cup of tea.
“I’m going to be sleepy all afternoon if I drink this,” she said, taking a sip anyway. “And Lexa
can’t be upset today, today is her birthday! Shit! I need to get out of here.” Raven tried to get up,
but Lana placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her from moving.
“I told her happy birthday early this morning as you asked me to. She is in a meeting right now and
she will be for the rest of the afternoon, so there’s no point on going anywhere.”
“But I got her a couple of gifts! Shit! They are in my room!” Raven mentally cursed and leaned
back against the tub, closing her eyes for a few seconds. “Lana, could you please get me my radio,
please? It should be outside somewhere.” The girl nodded and walked out, coming back a couple of
seconds with the radio in hand. Raven shook the excess of water off of her hand and grabbed the
device, asking Octavia to look inside her desk and find the Commander’s gift.
“There is no need to rush, the Commander is busy, you won’t be able to see her in the next couple
of hours,” Lana tried to reassure.
“I know, but I don’t want her to go around thinking that she hurt me or that I don’t want to see her,”
Raven said as she did her best to wash her body. Lexa’s scent was latched onto her like a second
skin, Raven almost didn’t want to wash it off.
“I will make sure to let her know that you want to see her as soon as possible. I will inform one of
the guards posted outside. For the moment, try not to worry and relax,” Lana said as she stood up
and walked away. She came back a few minutes later to help Raven finish bathing, prompting the
omega to stay in the water until it was no longer warm.
“Let’s get you to bed, a massage should make you feel better and we will get some ointment on
those bruises, they should fully fade in a couple of days,” Lana said, making Raven frown as she
looked down at herself. She hadn’t noticed before, but she had Lexa’s fingers painted on her wrists,
over her sides, and the inside of her thighs. She also had smaller bruises, hickeys, scattered over her
collarbones, her breasts and ribs. They didn’t really hurt or bothered her, and she knew she had
enjoyed getting them, but it was true that Lexa had never done anything similar before. Now Raven
understood why the alpha had been so upset. “This is why she never asked you to go to Polis while
she is in rut.”
Lexa had managed to barely leave any mark on her while they had shared Raven’s heat, but just
the night before she had marked Raven in almost every possible way. Raven was not stupid, Lexa’s
fear of losing her had triggered her alpha, her instinct to mark her and make Raven her own. It was
surprising she had managed to not give her the mating mark.
“She is only having rut symptoms; she was slightly feverish but she managed to separate herself
from you without much trouble. Doctor Griffin gave her an injection of something. Blockers, I
think she called them. She said they should prevent any more symptoms and even the early onset
of the Commander’s rut,” Lana explained, helping Raven roll onto her front as she spread a healthy
dose of healing oils over the omega’s back. She started massaging gently, hoping to ease the
omega’s pain if only a little.
“How does she manage her rut if she gets like this? Does she have other omegas helping her out?”
Raven asked hesitantly, not knowing if she really wanted to know the answer to that question.
“No. She manages on her own, with help from our healers. I imagine it is easier for her to resist
and control her desires when you aren’t there. She mostly tries to get all that energy out in different
ways. She trains harder, has longer and rougher sparring sessions, goes for hunts, and runs a lot.
She exhausts herself as much as she can, like that she doesn’t have the energy to think about
mating anyone,” Lana said, her gentle hands moving all over Raven’s back.
“So, she helped me with my heat, but for as long as we have known each other she has refused to
reach out so I help her with her rut?”
“She is not known for asking for help. And she is afraid of hurting you as she did now, so she
would rather not let this happen again,” Lana explained and Raven nodded in understanding. Lexa
hadn’t told her she had been challenged by the Ice Nation, she hadn’t said anything when the same
happened with the Sangeda, and she had refused to tell her about her nightmares in the past. It was
not a surprise that she had refused to ask for help with her ruts. “I guess that is not a matter of
importance now that you are unsure about staying in her life.”
Raven didn’t have time to respond to the obvious jab, someone was knocking on the door,
announcing that Octavia was on the other side of it. Lana moved away from Raven to open the
door and allow the other omega inside.
“Hey Rae, thank you for being so specific about what the gift was and where in your messy desk it
was located, it was really easy to find it,” Octavia said, sarcasm dripping from her voice. “I brought
the clothes you asked for as well,” Octavia said, standing by the bed as Raven sat up. “Shit Rae!
Didn’t know the Commander was a fucking vampire!” Octavia said, staring at the bruises that
covered the omega’s neck.
“She got a little carried away last night, okay? But it’s fine, they don’t hurt,” Raven said as she
started to change with Lana’s help.
“If you are sure it’s okay…” Octavia said with a slight frown on her face.
“O,” Raven said, staring up at her friend with a blank expression on her face. “I lost count of how
many orgasms I had last night. Believe me, I wasn’t suffering.”
Octavia’s eyebrows jumped into her hairline and a small smirk pulled at her lips.
“Okay, okay. I won’t say a word,” Octavia said, offering her friend the small leather pouch where
two of Lexa’s gifts were stored. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, everyone is talking about how
she almost fucked you in the medbay.”
“Do you know when the next meeting ends? I want to catch her between meetings. I can’t believe I
slept through her birthday,” Raven said, letting out a long sigh and ignoring Octavia’s last
comment. She wasn’t surprised, of course the nurses hadn’t kept quiet about what they had seen.
“Did you just bring the pouch? There was one more gift.”
“Rae, you weren’t specific, you are lucky I even found the pouch,” Octavia said with a shrug.
“And no, I don’t know when the other meeting ends.”
“She will come when she’s next free,” Lana interrupted, responding Raven’s other question. “I had
your message delivered. I must do your hair before she sees you.”
“What? Why?” Raven asked, feeling as Lana unmade her signature ponytail.
“You are the Commander’s Chosen; your braid style must represent your status. It will warn other
alphas against trying something with you and it will protect you,” Lana explained as she swiftly
started braiding Raven’s hair.
“Wait, what? I thought Lexa was just being sweet when she said that,” Raven said with a frown,
pulling away from Lana for a second.
“No, Rae,” Octavia said then, kneeling before her friend and placing her hands on her knees. “She
wasn’t been sweet. By calling you her Chosen it was formally stated that she has the intention to
make you her mate. As you know, omegas feel blessed and honored when they spend a night in
Heda’s bed, even more so if Heda’s seed manages to catch and they become pregnant with Heda’s
child. This honor only strengthens if the child is born a Nightblood, but Heda Lexa has refused to
allow omegas into her bed for as long as she has ruled. So, by naming you her Chosen, she’s
refusing all other omegas, she’s saying that she only wants you and that if you accepted her you
would be the only omega to carry her children.” Octavia paused there, watching Raven’s mouth
part slowly in shock. “It is kind of a big deal, Rae. I thought you knew.”
“No! Lexa didn’t explain any of this to me!” She said, her voice loud in her own ears.
“Hey, don’t lose your mind. This doesn’t mean that you have to mate her, but in many ways, this is
a proposal. Right now you were given a title, you are the Commander’s Chosen, that makes you
the most important omega across the 13 Clans, and you will only lose that title if you refuse her
proposal or accept it,” Octavia said, trying to be gentle with Raven. “She stated that she wants you,
now you choose if you want her or not. While you decide you are the Chosen.”
“So, she basically asked me to marry her?” Raven asked, her eyes widening even further.
“Well, the grounders don’t exactly call it that but… yes? sort of?” Octavia said, feeling slightly
unsure.
“Things are different when the person that wants you is the Commander,” Lana said, putting in her
two cents. “Normally, an alpha would court an omega, they would develop a bond and close said
bond through the mating ritual. There isn’t a stated proposal, both the alpha and omega know the
bond is there and once they are both ready, they choose when to close it, first during a ceremony
with their families and friends, and then through the mating. With the Commander it is not the
same, the Commander is expected to have many children with many omegas. So, many of the
previous Commanders didn’t see the need to have a Chosen, as they would soothe their needs with
any omega they wanted. Choosing to settle for just one omega seemed foolish in their eyes, why
have one mate if you can have them all?” Lana explained, her eyes and her hands on Raven’s hair.
“Love was seen as weakness, so even if having a mate wasn’t forbidden it was frowned upon.
Because of that, when a Heda decides they will reject to have all the omegas that present to them
and keep only one at their side, said omega becomes the Heda’s Chosen. They will not be just a
meaningless night. If they accept Heda they will become her mate, her Houmon and her Haiplana.”
“Lana, please,” Raven begged, quickly getting frustrated, “you are losing me with the words in
Trigedasleng.”
“Houmon is the word grounders use for their significant others, for their partners, their mates. It
roughly translates to Home One. For the grounders ‘home’ is not a place, their homes are their
mates,” Octavia explained, getting an approving nod from Lana.
“Yes, that is correct. It is a term born out of war. People would lose their living spaces often; they
would have to relocate. So ‘home’ stopped being the place where they lived and became the
person that made that place feel safe in the first place,” Lana added, placing her hands gently on
Raven’s shoulders.
Raven felt her chest flood with warmth and her heart start to race. That was what Lexa wanted, she
wanted Raven to be her home.
“And Haiplana…” Octavia trailed off for a second, trying to think. “I’m not sure what that
translates to in English, but that’s the title of the Commander’s mate.”
“It means Queen,” Lana stated and Raven’s neck twisted to the side sharply.
“What?!” Raven asked, shock coloring her tone. Her eyes wide enough to fall out of her head.
Lana shrugged her shoulders innocently.
“What else would the Commander’s mate be? The meaning of the word Queen is the one that
comes closest to the meaning of Haiplana,” Lana said easily, like it was obvious. “If you were to
accept the Commander as your mate you would become the Queen of the 13 Clans, why do you
think the Sangeda were so insistent on having their Princess mate Heda?”
Before Raven could react, the door was opened, and suddenly, standing before Raven was the
Commander herself.
Lexa seemed to notice the swallow complexion of Raven’s face, the way her lips were parted and
her eyes were wide. The Commander’s impassive mask twisted into a concerned frown. She took a
step forwards and locked Raven’s brown gaze with her own green one.
The omega could barely breathe, too many thoughts screaming in her head.
“Raven?”
………………………………………
As Lexa stood there, looking upset and concerned, Raven’s mind raced as she tried to figure out
what she would do next.
Option A: She could understandably freak out about the whole possibly becoming Queen thing and
ignore the torn expression on Lexa’s face.
Option B: She could hold her freak out and try to approach whatever was bothering Lexa,
reminding herself that this was the first time the Commander would have her birthday celebrated in
some form.
“Raven,” Lexa called once more, her jaw visibly quivering, “I understand if you don’t want to
speak to me. I just need you to know that I’m really sorry.” Her eyes became visibly glassy and
Raven came to a decision.
Hold freak out, then.
Octavia and Lana clearly saw that they should leave them alone and left the room quickly after.
Raven stood up, took a deep breath, and moved towards Lexa in two quick steps. She closed the
distance between them and pushed her face against the alpha’s chest. She let the side of her face
rest gently against Lexa’s as her arms tightened around the Commander’s middle. Lexa seemed to
freeze in her hold, startled by the gesture.
“Happy birthday,” Raven whispered gently, kissing the side of Lexa’s face as she tried to push all
her thoughts to the back of her head. She tightened her hold around Lexa’s body, hoping for the
alpha to respond to the gesture. “What are you apologizing for? You have done nothing wrong.”
“Haven’t I?” Lexa said as she pulled back, holding onto Raven’s arm and pushing up the sleeve of
her long-sleeved shirt, exposing her bruised wrist.
“Lexa…” Raven whispered with a sigh, watching as the alpha’s eyelashes became wet with tears.
“No, Raven. You don’t understand. They are everywhere,” Lexa said angrily, her fingers curling
over the edge of Raven’s shirt as she pulled it up, revealing the bruises Lexa had sucked over her
ribs and the mark of her fingers over her sides.
“Lexa, I have scratched you bad enough to break skin before-”
“It’s not the same,” Lexa dismissed, taking a step away from Raven and pinching the bridge of her
nose in frustration.
“Why? Why does my pain matter and yours doesn’t?” Raven asked, moving closer to Lexa and
hooking her fingers under her chin, bringing the Commander’s green gaze back to her own.
“It’s not about that,” Lexa mumbled, her eyes straying away from Raven’s at the lack of a proper
answer.
“You are looking away because you can’t answer, and you know that,” Raven said strongly,
cupping Lexa’s face to bring her back once more. “This is what you do, Lexa. You dismiss your
pain like it means nothing and focus on something else. That’s what you have been doing with me
since you got here. I left you, I hurt you, I broke your heart. And instead of letting me deal with the
consequences of my actions, you came here trying to comfort me.” Raven shook her head sadly,
brushing her thumb softly over Lexa’s cheekbone. “You have done your best to comfort me, you
have done your best to be reassuring, you have accepted that I might push you away again… I have
gone back and forth since you got here, I act like I want you, I accept everything you give me, I
take everything you have to give, and I still don’t choose you… And that must hurt,” Raven
whispered, closing her eyes for a second in shame. She was doing everything wrong and she knew
it.
“I know you are not doing any of it on purpose,” Lexa said softly, bending her knees and tilting her
head down to try and catch Raven’s gaze. “I know you are torn and confused, and I don’t want to
make that worse by being anything other than good to you. My heart is yours; I am yours, and I
needed you to know that regardless of how you might be hurting me.”
“That’s not okay, Lex,” Raven said earnestly. “Without meaning to I’m taking advantage of you. I
let myself be comforted and reassured by you. I let myself be wanted and cherished. I let you bare
your heart to me. And then, when my fears and my insecurities get the best of me, I look away, I
leave. That’s not fair, Lex,” Raven said, shaking her head sadly. “You have chosen me and that
means everything to me. It just doesn’t erase the fact that I can’t choose you. Because even if I
want you with everything I have, I still can’t stop believing that I am not what’s best for you for
many different reasons…” Thoughts of the challenge and the possibility of Lexa mating a princess
echoed in the back of Raven’s head, bringing her insecurities to the forefront of her mind. “I was
barely able to wrap my head around the fact that you almost got killed because of me, and now, all
this thing about the Sangeda Princess just reminded me of the fact that I’m not your best option,
and I’m never going to be, Lex-”
“Raven, please,” Lexa begged, her voice cracking. Raven could see the pain her words were
causing Lexa and she knew that the Commander would try to go against her, but she wouldn’t let
her.
“No, Lex. You need to stop.”
“But I want you to see that you are wrong,” Lexa insisted, taking Raven’s hands in her own and
giving them a soft squeeze.
“That’s the thing, Lexa. I broke your heart; I should be the one making you feel better not the other
way around. But I can’t even do that because, right now, I am not ready to choose you. I can’t, I’m
a mess,” Raven said, her smile tearful and shaky. “You deserve better than this.”
“You don’t get to choose what I deserve,” Lexa said strongly, anger coloring her tone as she
removed herself from Raven’s hold.
“I do, because you care more about me and my pain than you care about yours,” Raven said,
crossing her arms in front of her chest. “If I lift your shirt right now, we will see the scratches that I
left all over your arms and shoulders, there might be some on your lower back, too. And it’s not the
first time I have made that happen while we are having sex. But that has never been an issue, and
now that you gave me some bruises you are upset. It pains you to have marked my body like this, it
pains you to cause me pain. Why? I could have stopped you. I could have told you I was
uncomfortable or in pain or that I didn’t want to continue. But I didn’t, because I wanted everything
that happened last night, because I always enjoy being with you. If you are not going to care about
your pain then I will.”
“I hate that I hurt you,” Lexa whispered then.
“You didn’t, Lex. We were having sex, we got carried away. I don’t regret anything that happened
last night and I don’t see this as you trying to cause me pain. However, I am causing you pain and I
hate that I’m hurting you,” Raven responded, moving closer to Lexa once more and taking her
hand in hers. “I know you want to be here for me while I figure things out, but I’m not sure that’s
the best idea. Leaving you hanging without a proper response just feels wrong.”
“Please, don’t do that,” Lexa pleaded, her bottom lip trembling as she squeezed Raven’s hand in
her own. “I want to be here, please. Don’t do this. I know you think you are taking advantage of
my feelings somehow, but honestly; I can do this. I just need you to let me.”
Raven shook her head, knowing that nothing would change Lexa’s mind.
“I’ll be here until you decide you want me out of your life. Before then, let me try to convince you
otherwise,” Lexa said and Raven nodded hesitantly, letting herself be pulled in when the
Commander pulled her into a gentle embrace.
“I’m sorry for ruining your birthday,” Raven whispered.
“It’s fine, we both know my birthday is not today.”
“We actually don’t know that; it could be today-” Raven tried to fight.
“Or it could be tomorrow, or any other day,” Lexa said with a small smile, leaning back to press a
soft kiss to Raven’s forehead.
“We decided on today, so it is today. I’ve got a couple of presents that I want to give you,” Raven
said, pulling back to reach for the small pouch that Octavia had brought for her.
“I don’t need anything,” Lexa said, trying to deny the gifts. “You shouldn’t have bothered.”
“Don’t be like that. Here, open it,” Raven whispered, offering Lexa the small pouch.
Lexa opened the pouch and moved her hand inside, she felt two different things and decided to take
out the biggest one first.
“A compass,” Lexa whispered to herself as she opened the device and watched as the needle
moved to point west instead of north. “Thank you,” she looked up at Raven with a smile, happy
with the gift even if it seemed to be damaged.
“I know it is supposed to point north, but I wanted it to be a reminder of what I think it's a happy
memory for us. The name of the song we danced to back in Polis is west, so I made you a compass
that only points west,” Raven said with a smile of her own as she watched realization dawn on
Lexa.
“Oh,” Lexa said softly, closing the compass and running her thumb softly over it. Her mind filling
with a particular section of the lyrics that she could remember.
We’ll be just fine; I know we will.
I just know we will.
“Thank you, Raven, I appreciate it.” Lexa offered the other girl a smile, her hand closing warmly
around the metal.
“You like it?” Raven asked, feeling unsure all of a sudden.
“I do,” Lexa said, picking up Raven’s hand and bringing it up to her lips. “Should I take out the
other one?”
“Yeah, sure. There’s another one but it seems that Octavia forgot to bring it. Maybe we can go get
it,” Raven mentioned, kicking herself internally. She was definitely not making Lexa’s birthday as
great as the Commander had made hers.
“You really shouldn’t have bothered, Raven,” Lexa whispered as she took a key out of the pouch.
“A key?” Lexa asked, looking a little confused. “Thank you, Raven.”
“Stop thanking me without knowing what the gift actually means,” Raven said with a smile and a
half-hearted roll of her eyes. Lexa would love anything she gave her. “This is the key to the steel
horse I made you. I have been working on it for months, so I really hope you like it.”
“Steel horse?” Lexa asked, looking even more confused than before as she held the key in her
hand.
Raven opened her mouth to respond, but before she could get a word out someone knocked on the
door.
“Heda, you are late for your next meeting,” Lana said. She seemed hesitant, Raven thought, and
she probably wasn’t happy about having interrupted the Commander’s conversation with her.
“I’ll be there in a moment,” The Commander said, receiving a nod from Lana before the girl left
the room once more. “Forgive me, I must go.”
“It’s fine. I know you are busy, maybe I can show you your gifts later when you have a bit more
time?” Raven asked, her voice tentative. She knew that Lexa had things to do and that any kind of
proper celebration would have to be postponed until after the Mountain had been dealt with.
“Of course. Please, try to rest during the rest of the day. Tomorrow we will be going to the
Mountain, maybe even move some supplies here. Your presence will be required. Let Lana take
care of you, she will make sure you are comfortable and looked after,” Lexa whispered, seeming
distracted for a second by the sight of Raven’s braided hair. The Commander lifted a hand towards
Raven’s face, tucking a loose hair behind her ear and brushing her thumb over the shell of it. “You
look quite beautiful today.”
“The braids…” Raven trailed off, trying to not freak out over what Lana and Octavia had told her
before. She had decided to hold her freak out and that’s what she would do.
“They tell everyone that I want you. You were being publicly disrespected, Raven, I couldn’t allow
that. So, I made a statement,” Lexa moved closer, placing her fingers under Raven’s chin and
tilting her head up so their eyes would meet. “If anyone dares to look at you the wrong way…” the
Commander trailed off, her eyes filled with the same fury that had consumed her the day before
during the meeting. Her jaw was clenched shut and her breathing was heavy, a vein visibly pulsing
rapidly at her neck. She closed her eyes for a second in an attempt to calm down and moved into a
less troubling subject. “If I had any intention to have that Princess as my mate, she would be the
one wearing those braids. Do you understand?”
Raven nodded slowly, feeling her heart shake inside her ribcage. Her eyes stayed on Lexa’s,
unwavering, she just could not look away.
“Please, try not to feel pressured by this. You have a choice and you can choose to not want me in
your life, and that’s okay. The braids… I just needed you and everyone else to know where I
stand,” Lexa explained. “You can take all the time that you need, okay?”
Raven nodded again, unable to say anything.
“Good,” Lexa said, tilting her head down to press a chaste kiss on Raven’s lips. “I don’t know if I
will be able to see you again during the rest of the day. So, please, rest. Allow Lana to take care of
your needs. There’s a lot of work to be done tomorrow at the Mountain.”
“Okay. Happy birthday,” Raven said again as she brought the Commander close to her chest.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, I’m not upset about the bruises and you shouldn’t be either.”
Lexa hummed without making a comment. She simply kept her arms secure around Raven’s waist,
letting her head rest on the omega’s shoulder.
“Come on, tell me you will at least try,” Raven insisted.
“I will try not to feel bad about hurting you,” Lexa said, Raven sighed.
“You didn’t hurt me. Besides, I left you, I triggered the mate sickness and because of that, you
developed rut symptoms when we met again. It’s on me, not you,” Raven insisted and Lexa pulled
away with a frown.
“You don’t get to blame yourself for my actions. Don’t do that, it’s not okay.”
“Okay, okay. Just go before Titus comes to get you,” Raven whispered, pushing the Commander
back.
“Rest. We will have a busy day at the Mountain tomorrow,” Lexa said, giving Raven one last look
before walking towards the door.
…………………………..
Raven found herself staring down at the earth. When had she gone back to space?
“This place is very disturbing, so much metal everywhere, ugh.”
The voice startled Raven, making her jump slightly. There was a girl, a quite beautiful one, dressed
in grounder armor. She was leaning against the glass, looking down at the earth as well. Her
brunette hair fell over her shoulders, only lightly braided. Her skin was slightly pale, her
complexion lighter than Raven’s, but her lips looked very plump and pink. She looked strong also,
her arms bare to show her defined muscles, not overly bulky but very toned.
“The sight is nice, though,” the girl commented then, turning to look at Raven with a smile. “Did
you ever get sick of it?”
“Who are you?” Raven asked, looking back at the girl with a frown, she had never seen her before.
The girl ignored the question and turned to look at Raven with a small smile and a twinkle in her
eyes.
“I bet you never considered this,” she said, waving her hands around the spaceship, towards the
view of the stars, the earth, the sun. “You were so focused on losing her, I bet you never
considered that she would be the one to lose you. I never thought she would be the one to lose me,
either.” She shrugged and everything inside of Raven went cold.
No. It couldn’t be. This couldn’t be happening.
“You are Costia, Lexa’s Costia,” Raven whispered, voice shaky and low. It couldn’t be, Costia
was…
“Yes, Lexa’s Costia sounds about right,” Costia said with a fond smile on her lips, a little bit of
sadness staining her eyes. “I didn’t expect to meet you so soon, regardless, it is my pleasure,” the
girl said as she offered Raven her arm.
Raven reciprocated the gesture, perplexed, taking the girl’s arm in her own and giving it a soft
squeeze.
Chapter End Notes
Hey guys!! Thank you for all your kindness and support. It means the world to me.
Now, please don't kill me in the comments. I know that was a mean cliffhanger but I
have chapter 16 on the works, so it should be out soon. I promise that if you don't
insult me too much, I will try to get it out quicker.
I was quite nervous about this one, but I hope it wasn't so bad. I know the sex scene
probably sucked, but you guys already know I'm not that great at those so it’s okay if
you didn't like it.
Please, help me with a trigedasleng word for Chosen!! The ones I have come up with
sound horrible!!
I kind of, sort of, started another Lexaven story? It's called We Weren't Fated (But I
Was Made To Be Yours). I don't know what I'm doing, so if you want to, check it out
and tell me if I should continue it. It's kind of unusual for me, I must admit.
Thank you for being here. You are all amazing and I hope to see you in the
comments!!!
Chapter 16
Chapter Notes
“Lexa!”
A voice kept calling to her, she could hear it, barely… She felt like she was underwater, her brain
muddled, the voice calling to her so far away. So quiet under the constant ringing in her ears.
“Lexa! Wake up!”
Slowly, the voice became louder. The ringing in her ears never really left, but the volume of the
voice rose to meet it. They both pounded at her brain painfully, like needles being pushed into her
eye sockets.
“Lexa! Please!”
That voice, a voice she loved… The pain in her head only increased, rushing up the base of her
neck and curling over her jaw before settling in her temples. The pain no longer came in the form
of needles, no, it came in nails now, and they were being hammered mercilessly into the hard bone
of her skull.
“Lexa! She needs you!”
She? Who was she? Her stomach revolted, the taste of iron and dirty water was latched onto the
walls of her throat. She couldn’t see anything, why was it so dark?
“Lexa! Raven needs you! WAKE UP!”
Her eyes opened at once, the light of the sun felt like acid against her pupils. The sensation seemed
to prod at her sensitive stomach, it lurched inside her abdomen and sent bile up her esophagus. She
shifted to the side, trying to keep the body laid in front of her safe from her sickness.
The contents of her stomach burnt their way up to her mouth as she became violently sick, her
chest and abdomen contracted painfully as she continued to heave painfully.
“Lexa, hey, look at me!”
“Cos?” The sight of her first love swam before her eyes, as vivid as it could possibly be. Lexa
blinked quickly, waiting for her sight to clear. She expected Costia to be gone, but she only became
clearer, no longer swimming in front of Lexa, or carrying one too many heads.
“You need to get her to safety, you need to get her to the Skaikru healer,” Costia said at once,
serious and looking very aggravated. Lexa turned her head to the side and found her, Raven, lying
unconscious and bleeding before her very eyes.
“Raven!” Lexa exclaimed, rushing to the omega’s side to check her pulse and breathing. The
bleeding seemed to be coming from a gash at her hairline, from another at her side, and from larger
and deeper one that had ripped through her pants and opened the skin of her thigh. Lexa instantly
moved her hands towards it, pressing as hard as she could.
“What-What happened?” Lexa asked, so very frightened and alarmed as she looked around, not
immediately recognizing her surroundings.
“You were attacked as you were moving supplies from the Mountain to the Skaikru camp.
Whoever attacked you, they had bombs, remember?” Costia said slowly, trying to keep her voice
calm and steady as to not aggravate Lexa further.
Flashes moved in quick succession in front of Lexa’s eyes. She saw herself, sitting beside Raven in
the front of the Rover, watching as something relatively small was thrown in front of the vehicle as
they were driving. Feeling as her head smashed against the door as the bomb made the rover lurch
and fall to the side. She saw Raven’s face, dirty and horrified as she spoke of smoke, of how the
rover would go up in flames in any second. She remembers cutting off Raven’s seatbelt and lifting
her so she could climb out of the vehicle through Lexa’s window, which was facing up to the sky.
She remembers being hit by something in the arm, hot and painful. A bullet. Her warriors and the
Skaikru guards falling like flies as hell descended upon them in the form of masked people with
rifles and handguns. She had grabbed Raven’s hand and ran, she ran as fast as she could, but they
were being followed, bullets wheezing above their heads as they tried to get away. Raven was
doing her best to keep moving, but her leg wouldn’t allow her to.
Lexa remembered feeling it again. The heat, the pain, as it buried low on her right calf. She
remembers Raven, her love, being hit as well. Her shout of pain as Lexa watched her jacket stain
red. She remembers pulling at Raven’s arm, picking the omega up in her arms as she tried to run
faster still. In her panic, Lexa hadn’t seen where they were going so when a second bomb was
thrown in their direction, when it went off, it sent them flying over the edge of an incline. She had
lost her hold on Raven and their bodies had crashed mercilessly against roots and rocks before they
met the water of the rushing river below. Lexa had known that Raven had fallen unconscious
before falling into the water, the current carried her swiftly, and the omega hadn’t fought against it.
Her body continued to float downstream as Lexa tried to rush to her, swimming as fast as she could
to get Raven’s head out of the water.
Lexa remembered her panic, the way she felt her heart pull in every possible direction as Raven
remained unresponsive, staining the water red as she was carried further away from her. She
remembers swimming as fast as she could, the water cold and cruel, playing with her like she was a
ragdoll. But she swam harder, faster, until she had a fistful of Raven’s blood-soaked jacket in her
grasp.
She remembered the way she had pulled the omega into her body, doing her best to keep her head
above water as she tried to get them to solid ground. It was the most difficult thing she had ever
done, fighting a fast current with only one arm, doing her best so the other could stay firm around
Raven’s waist. Nothing would pull Raven out of her grasp.
She remembered seeing the boulder, sticking out of the water, firm against the current. She saw her
way out. For once she stopped fighting against the current and curled both arms around Raven’s
body, covering her head as best as she could. She had braced for impact as best as she could, but
when it came, when her body was smashed against the rocks, Lexa could swear every single bone
in her body had rattled in place. The wind had been knocked out of her, her sight had been spotted
with white, but at least she was no longer moving. She was pressed against the boulder, and the
boulder wouldn’t budge against the current, so for a moment, they were still.
Lexa remembered looking down. Raven’s lips were blue and water was dripping from her parted
mouth. She wasn’t breathing, Lexa had known that, but seeing it wretched her insides like nothing
ever had before. She needed to get her out of the water. Lexa had done her best to find her footing,
thanking whatever spirits were looking down on them because they were on a shallow section of
the river. She kept her hand tight around Raven’s waist as she stood up, her free hand holding onto
the rocks as she did what she could to get to the surface. It became easier with every step that she
took, and before she knew it, she had Raven on dry land.
What happened next… Lexa refused to think about it.
…………………………
Raven found herself staring down at the earth. When had she gone back to space?
“This place is very disturbing, so much metal everywhere, ugh.”
The voice startled Raven, making her jump slightly. There was a girl, a quite beautiful one, dressed
in grounder armor. She was leaning against the glass, looking down at the earth as well. Her
brunette hair fell over her shoulders, only lightly braided. Her skin was slightly pale, her
complexion lighter than Raven’s, but her lips looked very plump and pink. She looked strong also,
her arms bare to show her defined muscles, not overly bulky but very toned.
“The sight is nice, though,” the girl commented then, turning to look at Raven with a smile. “Did
you ever get sick of it?”
“Who are you?” Raven asked, looking back at the girl with a frown, she had never seen her before.
The girl ignored the question and turned to look at Raven with a small smile and a twinkle in her
eyes.
“I bet you never considered this,” she said, waving her hands around the spaceship, towards the
view of the stars, the earth, the sun. “You were so focused on losing her, I bet you never
considered that she could be the one to lose you. I never thought she would be the one to lose me
either.” She shrugged and everything inside of Raven went cold.
“You are Costia, Lexa’s Costia,” Raven whispered, voice shaky and low. It couldn’t be, Costia
was…
“Yes, Lexa’s Costia sounds about right,” Costia said with a fond smile on her lips, a little bit of
sadness staining her eyes. “I didn’t expect to meet you so soon, regardless, it is my pleasure,” the
girl said as she offered Raven her arm.
Raven reciprocate the gesture, perplexed, taking the girl’s arm in her own and giving it a soft
squeeze.
“But you are…” Raven started to say, frowning.

“Dead?” Costia asked, arching her eyebrows with amusement.
“Well, yes,” Raven said, even more confused than before.
“I’m very dead, being beheaded doesn’t leave much space for anything other than dying so…”
Costia said, tilting her head up and running her fingers over her neck to show just exactly how she
had died. “You are technically dead right now too, so, here we are.”
“What?” No, it was not possible. She still had so much to say to Lexa, they hadn’t fixed things.
Raven couldn’t die after having broken the Commander’s heart. No. She needed to fix things.
“Yes, look,” Costia said, looking back at the glass. The earth seemed to zoom in, getting closer and
closer until they were looking at the side of the river. Lexa was bent over Raven’s body, her hands
pushing against her chest over and over.
“No, please,” Raven murmured, unable to look for long at the sheer agony on Lexa’s face. She
couldn’t hear what she was saying, but Raven could see that she was screaming, probably begging
her to wake up, to breathe again. The sight was breaking her heart, Raven couldn’t keep looking.
Costia seemed to notice, she waved a hand over the glass and the scene disappeared.
“You are not fully dead, having water in your lungs isn’t like being beheaded. You are hanging by
a thread, you could still breathe again, but in the meantime, you are here. In the middle, not on the
other side, not quite alive. When you lose your head, you get a direct ride to the other side, no
stops,” Costia said, sounding quite morbid. “When people come here, they usually get to speak to
someone they love, you know, for guidance. I was quite surprised when they sent me, but I guess
it makes sense.”
“How?” Raven asked, wiping the tears on her cheeks, looking thoroughly crushed.
“Well, there is only one thing that is troubling you. Your relationship with Lexa, the things you
feel for her. And when it comes to how to love someone properly your mother and Finn are not
quite the right people to call, they made you feel like you weren’t enough, so they don’t get to
come to see you,” Costia said with a shrug, “I was quite good at loving Lexa, so I came to make
sure you stopped being an idiot, you are hurting her and you are hurting yourself. It’s dumb. I
thought that when it came to the Skaikru you were one of the smart ones.”
“Well, thank you. You are great at this guidance thing,” Raven said, letting out an annoyed huff.
“I’m sorry, but subtlety and being delicate doesn’t work with some people. Stubborn and
hardheaded people like Lexa and you, you need a more direct approach,” Costia said, putting her
hands up in the air in a sign that she came in peace.
“Guess you aren’t wrong about that,” Raven said, looking out at the stars as she rubbed the back of
her neck.
“So, you know that Lexa loves you, you know that you love her back… why are you still playing
with this friends with benefits weird Skaikru thing, better yet, why did you leave her when she
needed you?” Costia asked, looking angry and not even trying to hide it.
“She has never actually said that she loves me…” Raven mumbled lamely, receiving a withering
glare from the other girl.
“That’s the dumbest shit I have ever heard, the biggest idiocy, how did she even fall for you?”
Costia exclaimed, her hands moving erratically around.
“Hey! Aren’t you lovely?” Raven said, looking away.
“I’m a decent person, but I do have quite the mouth when I get angry. And I just can’t believe the
nonsense that just came out of your mouth. Lexa tells you that she loves you all the time! And you
know it, don’t lie to yourself.”
“I don’t want to believe it, everyone that loves me ends up dead, everyone that I love ends up dead.
I can’t handle the possibility of her being gone because of me,” Raven said, her eyes watering until
she could no longer look back at Costia.
A soft hand was pressed to the middle of her back.
“People don’t die because you love them, Raven,” Costia whispered, “people die because that’s
the natural order of things and losing people is part of our journey through life. Its heart-
wrenchingly painful, but it is just something we must learn to process. Lexa wasn’t challenged
because you love her, or because the Ambassadors actually believe she’s showing favor to the
Skaikru. She was challenged because she has made herself the most powerful person along 13
different Nations, and people want her power. You were just a pawn, the excuse. Tomorrow she
might be challenged because she’s training the Nightbloods the wrong way, the next day she might
be challenged for treating Lana too kindly,” Costia explained, placing her hand gently under
Raven’s chin, tilting her head up so their eyes would meet. “When it comes to the Coalition, or
even just the ruling over the Trikru, nothing is ever just about one person, but everything is always
about power. The challenge was not about you, the challenge was not even about the Skaikru, or
the Mountain and the resources inside.”
“What was it about then?” Raven cried, no longer bothering to try and stop the steady flow of tears
that was rolling down her cheeks.
“It is about Lexa, no one had ever ruled for as long as she has. In 90 years, no one had ever
achieved peace between the 12 Clans. Her alliance brings prosperity for all, making her rise above
being loyal to just one Clan. She can no longer make the same decisions as before because she
can’t choose to help a Clan while somehow harming another. That alone, the refusal of putting one
Clan above the others is enough for them not to want her to be in power. For the Clans that are
always greedy for more that is a bad thing, they need a leader that is easily swayed, that they can
push and pull for their own benefit…” Costia explained, “someone young, inexperienced, someone
they can manipulate.”
“A young Nightblood then,” Raven said, and Costia nodded.
“They might have received the best training, but they are still children and someone is always
whispering in their ears. They would do their best, but they aren’t Lexa,” Costia said, shaking her
head with a saddened frown on her face. “Getting to this point, to the knowledge that things aren’t
actually on you… it takes time. I didn’t come out of my mother’s womb knowing about politics, I
had to learn little by little. If you think that Titus and his bullshit is a problem now, try to imagine
how it was back then, when we were both children, when he was training Lexa. He would use me
to force her to believe that love is weakness.”
“How?” Raven whispered quietly, watching Costia’s face twist with pain.
“Lexa, at her core, she is not a fighter. She was always very sweet, liked to make me smile, would
do things she shouldn’t to get one smile out of me. She would trade pieces of her armor for pretty
things, like rings or necklaces; she traded her training weapons to bring me pastries or baskets full
of fresh fruit; she would escape the tower to take me somewhere she loved, or she would be found
by her mentors trying to make figures out of wood and flower crowns. You are lucky, Raven, you
weren’t there to see how they tried to beat that gentleness out of her,” Costia whispered, a tear
slipping down her cheek and getting caught in the edge of her smile. “Sometimes she would get
away with it and it would be fine, sometimes she was caught, it was always the worst when Titus
caught her.”
“He would hurt her,” Raven mentioned, it was something she already knew, that she had spoken of
with Lexa at some point before.
“Yes, it came in different ways, depending on what Lexa had done. If she had traded a piece of her
armor, he would make her fight the other Nightbloods without protection. If she had traded one of
her knives or her staff, he would make her spar with someone without any weapons, leaving her at
a clear disadvantage. Anything else would result in a lashing session. She would come back to me
all bloody and bruised, her knuckles scraped raw in her attempts to defend herself. Sometimes I
wouldn’t see her in days while she was recovering at the tower,” Costia said, wiping a tear away
from her cheek angrily.
“She was a bad fighter?” Raven asked, incapable of imagining Lexa losing a fight.
“Yes, but it wasn’t her fault. Most Nightbloods had been sent to the tower when they were babies
and had started training as soon as they could walk… Lexa made it there much later, not even
understanding what a Nightblood was or why she was being taken to live in the tower. She spent so
much time on her own, trying to survive by herself, making it just by the kindness that strangers
would rarely show her… when we met, she couldn’t even speak properly. That was part of the
reason why she was so insistent on giving me things even if I didn’t ask for it, or needed it. Her
ability to speak was underdeveloped, so she would show me her love the only way she knew,
giving me food, clothes, pretty things,” Costia said with a smile, her eyes shining as she looked
back at Raven. “For a very longtime survival was the only thing she knew, what mattered most to
her. So, she would feed me and give me furs to keep me safe from the cold, she showed me love
by doing what she could to keep me safe.”
“Is that why she insists on giving me so many clothes?” Raven asked, her heart aching for Lexa.
“Yes,” Costia said, nodding, her eyes looking slightly wet, “that’s how she shows that she cares
and that she loves you. It’s always too much and never necessary, but don’t tell her that, it makes
her happy. It’s what she knows.”
“She has gotten quite good with words now, though,” Raven whispered as she blushed. “I can’t
barely believe the things she says sometimes.”
“Yes, she is a quick learner. With the right mentors teaching her English and how to read she got
quite good at talking, always in this overly formal way that comes from being taught by books and
people that are very high in the political chain. I find it quite charming,” Costia said with a blush of
her own. “Everyone thought she would be the first killed at her conclave, small, scrawny, not at all
interested in fighting or killing other people. Things changed fast when Anya became her First.”
“What did Anya do? Scared her to death?” Raven asked, remembering well the warrior from the
bridge.
“No, she just pushed the right buttons. She told Lexa that because she was mine, I would be hurt
whenever she was hurt and I would be in pain whenever she was in pain. She told Lexa watching
her die would break my heart, and that because of that she had to become the best fighter, so that I
wouldn’t be hurt, so that she could protect me. After that, something changed inside of her. She
would do everything in her power to win her Conclave and build a world that was safe for me.
Anya might have been overly ruthless when it came to training her, but she was quite smart. She
made me come to Lexa’s training, knowing that she would do better if I was watching. She was
very smart and she found Titus to be an asshole,” Costia said and a startled laugh fell out of
Raven’s mouth.
“She called him that?!” Raven asked.
“Well, it is said quite differently in Trigedasleng, but I feel like that is a valid translation,” Costia
said, grinning back at Raven.
They fell into an easy silence, looking out at the earth, the sun, the stars.
“I don’t know what I did to deserve her love,” Raven whispered quietly, reaching down to brush
her fingers over the face of the sun tied around her wrist.
“You are you, Raven, what other reason does she need?” Costia said simply, making the Mechanic
smile.
“Are you trying to talk like Lexa right now?” Raven asked teasingly. Costia huffed, taking offense.
“Oh please, I taught her all she knows,” She said, bumping her shoulder against Raven’s and giving
her a wink. “I’m serious though, don’t drive yourself mad wondering how or why, she loves you,
that’s it, enjoy it. Go back to her, grab her, and kiss her. You don’t even need to kiss her, just go
and give her one of those smiles she likes, flash her those eyes. You’ll have her right where you
want her, I know it.”
Raven could only laugh, becoming serious a moment later.
“I’m not sure I can do that, I really hurt her,” Raven muttered, tilting her head down in shame.
“She will forgive you, I’m sure she will.”
“It is not that simple, I broke her heart,” Raven said, her bottom lip shaking with sorrow. “I feel
like everything will end up so badly.”
“I bet you never considered this,” Costia said then, “you were so focused on Lexa, on keeping her
safe. And look, Raven, you are the one dying. She is the one losing you, and believe me, that will
truly break her.”
“You don’t think I will go back?” Raven asked then, her eyes wide with panic.
“I don’t know, Raven, it is your choice. But I hope you see this as a lesson, life takes unexpected
turns. I lived my life thinking that I would lose Lexa, first to the Conclave, then to war… And see
what happened to me, I died, she lost me. And now she is reliving the same thing with you…
Death will come for everyone; we never know who will go when. Lexa has been cheating death
for two decades now, by now she might be immortal for all we know,” Costia said, shrugging her
shoulders. “Staying here is easy, living is harder. Loving a Commander is hard, but loving Lexa is
the easiest thing I ever did. No one will judge for staying here, you have been through a lot, Raven,
and back there you will be welcomed by a lot of pain. Here you won’t have to worry about
anything ever again, you will see Finn and your Mother, but still, for all the love I feel for Lexa, I
beg you to go back to her.”
“You love her a lot, don’t you?” Raven asked, though the answer seemed obvious.
“I do, how could I not?” Costia asked, her lips stretching into a sad smile.
“She misses you always, I know it. And she loves you very much,” Raven reassured, resting her
hand on Costia’s arm.
“I know,” Costia whispered, “she talks to me every day and I always listen.”
“She does?” Raven asked, eyes wide in surprise. “How? Like… praying?” She said, pulling a short
laugh out of Costia.
“No, her journal. Every entry is addressed to me. When she realized she is in love with you I was
the first person she admitted it to.”
“You mean she has admitted it to other people?” Raven asked, eyebrows arching up her hairline.
“Well, there’s the people who just know, because they have working eyes in their heads, like Lana,
Octavia, Marcus, and Titus. And the people Lexa actually said it to like Abby and Clarke.”
“She told Abby and Clarke?” Raven asked, completely shocked.
“Yes, she told Abby a very long time ago and she told Clarke a few days ago when she went to
Polis to bow to Lexa,” Costia confessed. “I think that’s part of the reason why Doctor Griffin has
been so supportive of all of this; she knows where Lexa stands. And I guess she never expected
Lexa, the ruthless grounder Commander, to feel the way she does and to be so… gentle with you,
kind to your needs, respectful of your wishes.”
Raven nodded to herself, now everything made sense. Abby’s unwavering support, her almost
resolute trust in Lexa’s intentions.
“And she told Clarke?”
“Yes, quite rudely too. Lexa was having a bad day, Clarke was just making it worse and Lexa
hadn’t properly slept in days, she just went off,” Costia explained with a worried frown. “Those
were very hard days for her, I’d appreciate it if you went back to her and fixed things so she can be
happy and well.”
“But, how could I?” Raven asked with frustration. “I’m so afraid, I feel so guilty and everything
feels so messed up here.” Raven tapped her temple, trying to make Costia understand. “Being here
helps, talking to you helps, but I can’t just get over all these things I have in my head. I’m so afraid
of so many things, even Clarke, the fact that Lexa talked to her is so shocking to me because there
has always been this noise in my head, telling me that if Clarke ever offered Lexa a chance, she
would take it. And I just… I don’t know how I can fix things with her when everything feels so
wrong up here,” Raven said, tapping her temple once more.
“Let her help, you don’t have to do everything on your own. Share your fears with her, she will
understand and she will want to help you. She is not looking for a confession or a promise, she just
wants you to let her be in your life. For her, that is enough, knowing that you love her doesn’t mean
that you have to tell her if you don’t feel ready. Just let her be there to help you, that’s all she
wants,” Costia said strongly, trying to convince Raven to take the leap. “Trust what you have with
her, it is strong, it won’t break easily. Much less now that she has decided that she won’t let you
go.”
“And you think she will forgive me, for leaving?” Raven asked shily, her mind buzzing with all the
possibilities.
“It would be hypocritical of her to not forgive you,” Costia said, giving Raven’s arm a reassuring
squeeze.
“Why? What did she do?” Raven asked curiously.
“I’ll let her tell you that story,” Costia said, “because you are choosing to go back to her, right?”
Her eyes were so hopeful, Raven couldn’t deny.
“If things go horribly wrong and she hates me forever I’ll be blaming you,” Raven said and was
promptly pulled into a tight hug.
“It'll be fine, I promise. Just let her be there for you.”
“Will I be okay, though? Physically? We have been here for a while, a brain without oxygen turns
to mush and I don't want to go back if I am going to be a vegetable,” Raven said, pulling away
slightly to look at Costia.
“Oh, of course, that’s not happening. Time here works different, we could be here for days and
down there it would only be a couple of seconds, it's the atemporality of being dead,” Costia said,
shrugging.
“Of course,” Raven said as she was unexpectedly pulled into another hug.
“Love her as hard as you can, love her for the both of us,” Costia whispered, her voice cracking.
Raven’s eyes watered and she tightened her arms around Costia’s waist.
“Do you want me to give her a message?”
“Tell her that I’m always with her, that I’m always listening, that she could never lose me, that I
regret nothing and that we will meet again,” Costia said, feeling so very alive, her breath warm
against Raven’s shoulder.
“You don’t want me to tell her that you love her?” Raven asked, confused.
“No,” Costia said as she pulled back. “She already knows that,” she smiled, but the sight of her
became fuzzy in Raven’s eyes. “Give her a kiss for me.”
In a heartbeat, Raven’s sight went black, but all her other senses seemed to amplify all at once. She
was cold, wet, in pain. An electrifying wave of agony shot up her spine, making her head ache and
her throat contract with the need to scream. Instead, all that came out of her mouth was dirty river
water. Her chest expanded and shrank erratically, her lungs fighting to get all the water out.
She felt hands as they rolled her onto her side, patting at her back, rubbing softly, helping her get it
all out.
Those same arms pulled her closer and Raven felt her body nestle against a familiar chest, strong
arms holding her tightly.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Lexa’s voice came fast and turbulent, the alpha gasping
between heavy sobs as she pulled Raven closer to her body. “I’ll get you home, I promise. I’ll
make sure you are safe. You didn’t leave me, you didn’t leave me, you didn’t leave me,” she
continued to sob violently, her whole body shaking as she held Raven. The omega had never seen
her so upset, she ached to hold her, to say something, to at least open her eyes so that Lexa would
truly see that she was okay. She just couldn’t do it, her arms were weighed down by lead, her eyes
felt just as heavy, and her tongue had turned to sand in her mouth.
She tried, she really did, but she couldn’t move. And a few seconds later, the last thread that kept
her conscious dissolved into nothing, leaving her alone with the dark.
…………………………
“I was carrying her- I- I was carrying her back to the Skaikru camp,” Lexa mumbled, as she
finished using her sash to tie a tourniquet around Raven’s leg, tightening enough to slow the blood
loss but not enough to stop circulation.
“You were, but you are bleeding, you fainted,” Costia said worriedly, “You didn’t get very far.
When you got her breathing again, you immediately lifted her and started walking. It only took a
couple of seconds for you to go down.”
“Bleeding?” Lexa asked, looking down at herself. She always wore black for a reason, no one
would see the Commander bleed. Her whole body hurt furiously, threatening to render her
unconscious once again.
“The bullets,” Costia reminded her, “the fall in the river... you are injured Lexa, and you need to
make sure you stop the bleeding if you want to get her back home. She has not woken up, she has a
head injury, she wasn’t breathing… Head wounds, they are tricky, the longer she remains
unconscious, the higher the possibility she won’t wake up.”
“That’s not- that’s not going to happen. I’ll get her help,” Lexa said, as she checked Raven over to
see if she was still losing blood from somewhere. There were many bruises and shallow cuts, none
of them worth bandaging. There was only that one gash on her side, the one caused by the grace of
a bullet. Lexa had seen it happen, had heard Raven’s shout of pain as her hand unconsciously
moved to cover the wound. It was also likely that the omega had broken something. Lexa looked
worriedly at Raven’s bad leg, the brace shattered and torn, the alpha didn’t want to think about the
kind of pain Raven would be in once she woke up.
Lexa took off her coat, moving her hand to the inside pocket and finding a small leather pouch.
Inside, hiding in a tightly shut metal tin, there was her steel and flint kit. Lexa dried her hands as
best as she could and checked the insides of the tin to make sure its insides were dry. She sent a
quiet thank you to the sky once she realized everything was dry and folded her coat, placing it
gently under Raven’s head.
“I know you will, but you need a fire first. She was shot too and she needs those wounds
cauterized,” Costia said, pointing at Raven’s bleeding side. “You need to slow the blood flow
enough so that she won’t lose too much blood before reaching a healer.”
“Yes, yes,” Lexa rushed to say, ripping another part of her sash so she could press it against
Raven’s bleeding side, hoping to slow the blood flow until she made the fire. “Will you watch her
please?”
“Of course,” Costia said, smiling gently at Lexa as she kneeled by Raven’s head, “I’ll keep her
safe, don’t worry.”
Lexa tried to clear the black spots from her vision, standing up only for the force of gravity to pull
her down once more. She held onto the rough bark of a tree and closed her eyes, breathing deeply
and trying to ignore the painful stabs of pain that thundered inside her chest every time she tried to
take a deep breath.
When her head stopped spinning, she focused on gathering wood, she didn’t need a big fire, she
just needed enough to heat her blades. She gathered kindling, tinder, and a few bigger pieces of
wood before returning to Raven’s side.
Lexa lit up the fire as fast as she could, with an expertise that could only come from years of
practice. After that, all she had to do was put her blades inside. She dried her knives and daggers to
the best of her abilities, putting the four blades inside the fire to heat them up, hoping to get all
their injures taken care of as fast as she could. In the meantime, she went back to Raven, taking off
her jacket and ripping her shirt to have better access to the bullet wound. Lexa did what she could
to wipe away the excess of blood to get a better look. She was thankful that it was only a gash and
that it hadn’t hit anything important.
“You should take a few of those leaves,” Costia said, tilting her head towards one of the bushes
that were growing by the forest’s edge. “It will make you feel more awake and energized, help you
deal with the pain.”
“It will also make me feel shaky and it will make my heart race very uncomfortably,” Lexa
mentioned.
“I know, but we wouldn’t want you to faint again, would we?” Costia said with a smile and a
raised eyebrow.
“It is true, you are right as always, my love,” Lexa said as she stood from Raven’s side and walked
towards the bush. She was no healer and she didn’t know how many leaves would be safe for her
to take. People that used the plant constantly described the rush that it would give them, how
energized it would keep them, but taking one too many leaves didn’t seem to sit well with the
heart, as it would begin to race and cause other unwanted symptoms. It didn’t matter, she needed
the rush, she needed to get Raven to Arkadia and fast. With that thought in mind, Lexa shoved a
handful of leaves in her mouth, chewing them quickly and grimacing at their bitter taste.
“The blades are ready, my love,” Costia called from her place on Raven’s side. Lexa shoved more
leaves in her pockets for the trip and moved to kneel by Raven’s side. “Maybe the pain will wake
her,” Costia commented with hesitance, they hadn’t been out there for long, but the fact that Raven
hadn’t woken once since falling in the river was worrying.
“I hope so,” Lexa whispered, blade in hand as she rolled Raven on her side so she would have
better access to the gash caused by the bullet. Lexa looked down at Raven, unconscious and
bleeding. She looked down at the blade in her hand and took in a shaky breath. “I can’t seem to
stop hurting you, can I?” Lexa whispered, tears jumped to her eyes as she lowered the blade,
hearing it sizzle against Raven’s skin. The scent of burnt flesh quickly latching onto the inside of
her lungs.
Lexa repeated the same motions with the larger gash on Raven’s thigh, tears streaming down her
face all the while. Two more scars in Raven’s body caused by her own hand.
“It was necessary,” Costia whispered, reaching out to hold Lexa’s shaking hand with her own.
“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” Lexa said, squeezing Costia’s fingers in her own.
“I know,” Costia said, her voice soft and soothing as she leaned in to hold Lexa in her arms for a
moment. “Hurry love, take care of your wounds so you can get her home. She needs a healer.”
“Yes, of course,” Lexa said, blinking the tears away from her eyes and picking up her blade. She
rolled up her pant leg to expose her bloody right calf, the bullet was in there and she had no time to
dig it out. She just needed to stop the bleeding to make it to Arkadia, so she tightened her jaw and
pressed the scalding blade against her skin. She groaned low, clutching her eyes shut as she
counted to ten.
“That’s it, love, you are so brave. I’ve got you,” Costia whispered, as she wrapped her body around
Lexa’s from behind, holding her with as much gentleness as she could. She checked her arm, where
the other bullet had hit, it was merely a grace. Lexa pressed the blade against the open wound and
gritted her teeth as she heard her skin sizzle.
She reached for her pockets and took a few more leaves, shoving them in her mouth before
reaching for Raven’s body.
“Don’t worry, Ray, I’ll get you home safe, I promise,” Lexa whispered, brushing a kiss to Raven’s
temple as she picked her up, her arms secure under Raven’s back and knees. Her midsection burnt
furiously at the strain, but her sight remained clear. She could feel her blood pumping, rushing in
her veins as the leaves started to take effect.
“Remember to keep a steady pace, I know you want to sprint there but you are injured and it is a
long way. Keep a steady pace, make sure you keep breathing,” Costia said, reminding Lexa not to
exhaust herself in the first part of the journey.
“I will. I’m glad you are here. I thought you would never come back after I properly rested. If right
now you aren’t here because of the insomnia, why are you here?” Lexa asked, trying to fix her
hold on Raven and make it as comfortable as she could.
“Might have to do with the trail of blood that’s dripping behind your ear and down your neck,”
Costia said with a worried frown, “She might be fairing a lot of worse, but you need a healer too,
my love.”
“Don’t worry, I will have someone look at me after I make sure she is safe,” Lexa said, giving
Costia one last look before taking off into a steady run. The sun was telling of midday, the river
had swiftly taken them downstream and away from Skaikru territory, it would take her a few hours
to get there, but Lexa would do her best. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise,” she said as she continued
to run, trying to ignore the pain in her body and stay focused.
She would get Raven to Arkadia, even if it was the last thing she did.
………………………………….
“Hey, stop, wait!” Costia’s shout had Lexa stop in her tracks. Her knees promptly gave out on her
and she braced the impact with her elbows so Raven’s body wouldn’t crash against the ground. It
had been a few hours at least, it wasn’t dark, but the sun was no longer high in the sky. “What did I
tell you about breathing?”
“I- I-” Lexa tried to say, wheezing. She placed Raven gently on the ground and sat back on her
heels, trying to get a breath in as she held her chest. “I’m trying, it’s my ri-ribs,” Lexa whispered,
holding her chest and feeling her lungs fight for the next gulp of air.
“After crashing against that boulder the way you did…” Costia trailed off, kneeling by Lexa’s side
and placing a comforting hand on her back, rubbing up and down gently. “Just stop to take a
breath, you have been running for hours, just stop and breathe.”
“I think the effect of the leaves is wearing off, I just need more,” Lexa said, wheezing and gasping
as she buried her hand in her pockets, glad about having had the good sense to take many leaves
with her.
“Careful love, you shouldn’t take anymore, we don’t want your heart to give out,” Costia said,
watching warily as Lexa put more leaves in her mouth. She had stuffed all her pockets full of the
little green things.
“My heart will remain strong for her,” Lexa said stubbornly, chewing quickly before swallowing.
Slowly, the heaviness in her head was lifted and the darkness that hid in the corner of her eyes
disappeared. Her limbs, aching from exhaustion moments ago started to feel better, and the knife
that seemed to be twisted between her ribs seemed to go away for a moment, leaving behind a
steady throb.
Costia shook her head, not saying anything else, only watching as Lexa picked Raven up once
more and took off, her limp heavy and pronounced. She could only hope that the Commander
could make it to Arkadia in time.
………………….
As sundown approached and the sky was cast in an orange glow, Lexa was suddenly distracted by
a low moan falling from Raven’s throat. She froze, panting and swaying where she stood. She fell
to her knees and sat Raven on the ground, keeping her in a sitting position with a hand behind her
back.
“Raven, Ray! Please, wake up!” Lexa begged, patting Raven’s cheeks gently as she continued to
call her name. The omega only groaned again, her face twisting with pain as her eyes fluttered
open. “Raven…” Lexa gasped, pulling the omega into a tight hug and burying her face in her neck.
“You are awake.”
Raven couldn’t respond, rockets were going off in her head, and not in a good way. She managed
to wrap an arm around Lexa, nuzzling her head against the alpha’s as gently as she could.
“What… what happened? I feel… awful,” Raven murmured, her words horribly slurring as she
tried to breathe in Lexa’s comforting scent. She got a lungful of anguish and panic instead, she
frowned deeply, moving her hand to caress gently the back of Lexa’s head. “But I’m fine, I
promise.”
“You were dead,” Lexa mumbled, bringing Raven closer to herself, holding her steady in her lap as
she pushed her face harder against the omega’s neck. “You were dead!” she said, a little stronger,
her arms tightening around the omega’s body.
“Well, isn’t that nice… for a change…” Raven teased, her slur making it really difficult for her to
understand the words that were coming out of her mouth. “It’s usually you… dying… every five…
fucking… seconds.” She knew she was concussed or worse. If she wasn’t it wouldn’t be so hard to
speak, if she wasn’t she wouldn’t feel like her skull was splitting in half. She was sure her brain
was on fire, it had to be with how badly her head hurt. She wouldn’t be surprised if the organ
melted into nothing and poured out her ears like lava.
“No, it’s not nice,” Lexa responded at once, pulling back to look down at Raven. Her face was
soaked in sweat and tears, and the sight alone was enough to break Raven’s heart.
“Sorry… I was trying… to make you… smile,” Raven said, bringing Lexa’s face down so that
their foreheads would touch.
“I know,” Lexa whispered, fighting to calm down as she nuzzled her nose against Raven’s and
placed a sweet kiss on her lips. Raven groaned low when she pulled away, trying to follow after
Lexa’s lips and not succeeding, her head was too heavy.
“Hmmm, you can do… better than...that,” the omega complained, pouting hard as she stared up at
Lexa’s bruised face. There was a shallow cut splitting diagonally her right eyebrow and the same
cheekbone was deeply swollen, sporting a deeper cut that left dark lines of blood painted down
Lexa’s cheek and down to her purpled jawline. Raven didn’t know how that happened, could have
been when Lexa’s head smashed against the rover’s door, or when they fell off the incline, or…
Raven didn’t know what had happened then, but she was wet and in pain. She shivered strongly in
Lexa’s arms, unable to hold back the deep groan that left her mouth. Her head was killing her, her
whole body hurt and she was so cold. She couldn’t keep her eyes from watering, she was
transported back to the surgery Abby had to perform on her to dig out the bullet in her spine. The
doctor had operated on her without anesthesia and that was exactly how Raven felt in that moment,
like someone was cutting her brain open with a hot blade.
Lexa tried to soothe her as best as she could, pulling Raven closer to her chest and pressing soft
kisses over her bloodied head, not caring about how her lips ended up stained red.
“We don’t have time; I have to take you to Abby. You must stay awake, okay?” Lexa said, leaning
in to press soft kisses over Raven’s cheeks. “You injured yourself badly. I fear you won’t wake up
if you fall asleep. We are near your camp, just hold on, promise me.”
“It’s fine, I promise,” Raven whispered weakly, lifting her hand to cup the side of Lexa’s face and
trace her lips with her thumb. She frowned. “Your lips… are… blue,” Raven whispered, not
knowing if she was seeing right or not.
“It’s fine,” Lexa said, kissing Raven’s fingers as she reached for her pocket, taking the last of the
leaves and putting them in her mouth.
“What’s...that?” Raven asked, her face twisting in pain as Lexa lifted her in her arms. She almost
wished to be unconscious.
“Keeps me strong, to get you home,” Lexa grunted as she held onto Raven’s body with all her
strength. Her heart was thundering in her ears, her chest, left shoulder, and arm had started
throbbing with an insistent pain that would not go away. Her ribs were barely letting her breathe.
“I told you to stop taking the leaves, Leksa,” Costia said, as she lightly trotted by Lexa’s side.
“I wouldn’t be able to stand if I didn’t take them,” she said, her arms shaking under Raven’s
weight. She had been moving for hours, there was no way she could make it in her state without
the help of the leaves.
“Your heart is racing, Lexa, badly. You might not make it to Arkadia in time,” Costia said, angrily.
“You should have stopped when I told you to!”
“If I had stopped, I would not make it there, I would no longer be on my feet,” Lexa said between
pants, her face dripping with a mix of sweat and blood, her lungs barely able to expand at all.
“With the leaves, I have a chance, with the leaves I can get her home.”
“Lex,” Raven mumbled then, her head resting on Lexa’s shoulder. She looked up at the alpha
worriedly, she looked pale, ashen, her lips tinted blue on the edges. “Who are you talking to?” the
slurring made her words almost impossible to understand, but Lexa seemed to be able to read the
look in her eyes.
“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she whispered, tilting her head down to place a sweet kiss on Raven’s lips.
“I’m getting you home, where you’ll be safe. You are going to be just fine, I promise.”
Just one more step. Just one more step. Just one more step. Lexa started chanting in her mind, the
night had fallen over them, she could barely see anything and her only sense of direction came
from Costia’s back. The girl was walking a few steps ahead of her, hair swaying with the wind. She
would turn back to look at Lexa sometimes, shooting her a smile and some words of
encouragement.
“You can do this, my love,” Costia said with a loving smile, stopping for a moment to let Lexa
catch up. The girl then wrapped an arm against Lexa’s back, pulling her forwards with her. “Just
one more step. One more. One more. Just like that. You are the strongest person I’ve ever known.
And you won’t let anything happen to Raven, right?” Lexa nodded in approval, she could no longer
feel her arms, her calf was on fire. She felt like a wolf was ripping apart her leg every time she took
a step, the leaves were no longer doing anything. But they left back the unwanted symptoms,
letting Lexa feel her heartbeat in every inch of her body, unnaturally accelerated and sending
shooting pains over the left of her chest, left shoulder, and arm. She feared she would drop Raven
as a result of it and tightened her hold around the omega’s body.
“Please, if you can, hold onto my neck,” Lexa mumbled, she couldn’t feel her hands, she didn’t
know how she was still holding Raven up.
“Lexa,” Raven whispered achingly, the heated blade in her brain making the movement of her
mouth extremely painful. “Maybe it's better…. if you rest… for a moment.” In the darkness, Lexa
was covered by exhaustion, pain, and desperation. She was stumbling more than walking, leaning
against trees from time to time to avoid going down.
“If I sit down now… I won’t get up,” Lexa mumbled, leaning heavily against a tree as she tried to
take a breath. Tears jumping to her eyes when she stepped on her wounded leg, it hurt so bad. “I’ll
get you home… and then-then I’ll rest.”
Raven didn’t like the sound of that.
“Come, my love, come!” Costia said, smiling brightly at Lexa. The sight of it was enough to
soothe the alpha’s aching chest. “Just one more step. One more,” Costia said as she placed her
hand on Lexa’s back and pushed her through the edge of the trees.
And there it was. Arkadia.

Tears trailed down Lexa’s cheeks in relief. She walked towards her people’s camp, located right
before the gates, and at once, many warriors rushed to meet her. Shouts of Heda spreading like
wildfire.
“HEDA! HEDA!” they said, eyes wide and mouths parted in shock. The last time they had seen
her, a bomb had been thrown in her direction and she had fallen to a rushing river.
“Get the Skaikru healer,” Lexa ordered, “Get her! Now!” She exclaimed as loud as she could. Her
warriors rushing to fulfill her command as she continued to walk through the camp and towards
Arkadia’s gates, refusing to let anyone take Raven away from her. Lexa would make sure she was
under Abby’s care. She would see to it.
She watched the gates open. She watched Abby rush out, Clarke by her side along with Jackson
and Octavia.
The Doctor looked up at her with wide eyes, telling her to place Raven on the stretcher. She did as
told gently, her arms going limp as soon as she was rid of the weight.
“There was water in her lungs…” Lexa mumbled as she tried to keep up with the stretcher,
following after Abby and Jackson, who were pushing Raven’s stretcher inside. “I got her to breathe
again, but she-she was unconscious for hours-” Lexa had to stop talking as they made it inside the
medbay, her eyes stinging under the harsh lights. She stood by, watching Jackson and Abby move
around Raven, checking her eyes with a light, asking her questions. “She was bleeding too much, I
had to use fire-”
That made Abby stop to look at her again.
“Where?” Abby asked, concerned, opening Raven’s jacket and moving away the remnants of her
ripped shirt. It was impossible to miss the burnt flesh.
“And her thigh, I did what I could to keep it clean.”
“Heda, you need to sit down,” Octavia said, her tone worried, her eyes on the black stains that
Lexa’s foot had left on the metal floors. Lexa didn’t hear her over the furious rumble of her heart in
her ears.
“Is she okay?” Lexa asked, but she didn’t know if the words had left her mouth, for no one
responded.
“Lexa, you need help.” The voice belonged to Clarke; Lexa didn’t know why she cared. But her
words seemed to alarm Raven. The omega let her head loll to the side limply so she could look at
the Commander from her place on one of the beds.
“Lex?” Raven whispered, her tongue heavy, her mouth full of the taste of copper. She held a hand
out for Lexa to take. Lexa gave her a smile. The pain in her chest had reached incomprehensible
levels, one of her hands moved up, her palm pressing against her chest, feeling her heart stutter in
its rhythm. Lexa couldn’t breathe.
She went down, but she never stopped looking at Raven.
……………………………
“Lexa, you need help.”
Clarke’s voice distracted her from Abby’s never-ending questions. Raven turned to look at the
alpha. Their eyes met. Lexa was just standing there, soaked in sweat, covered in dirt and blood,
looking so exhausted that just looking at her made Raven want to sleep for a century. She ached to
reach out to her, all she wanted was to bring her into bed with her, bury herself against her chest,
and find everything she needed in her embrace. But something in Lexa’s eyes was wrong, her gaze
was glazed and far away.
“Lex?” Raven asked, holding a hand out for Lexa to take. Lexa gave her a smile. Her special smile,
the one she reserved for Raven, early mornings in bed, and late nights looking at the stars. The one
she reserved for afternoons spent listening to music and early nights jumping on puddles or trying
out swing sets. It was Raven’s favorite smile. She knew Lexa meant it, she saw it so rarely and it
looked so beautiful on Lexa’s lips… She smiled back unconsciously, an automatic response to
Lexa’s gesture.
Raven knew that Lexa hadn’t seen it. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head.
She watched Lexa’s knees buckle as she fell to the ground. So fast that Octavia, who was standing
close to her, didn’t get to catch her. Raven tried to move but her whole body was screaming in pain.
Raven watched Lexa’s body, laid lifelessly on the floor, her head lolling limply to the side. The
omega’s mind was screaming. She had left Polis to avoid this, she had left Lexa to avoid this. She
had broken both of their hearts so the girl she loved would be safe. It wasn’t fair. There was no way
to win.
Clarke reacted first, dropping to her knees by Lexa’s side, and pushing her to lay on her back. The
blonde violently ripped Lexa’s shirt, lowering her head to listen to her breathing and reaching up to
her neck to feel for a pulse.
“She’s tachycardic and short of breath,” Clarke shouted as she pressed her knuckles hard against
Lexa’s sternum.
A beat of silence. A gasp. Raven saw Lexa blink.
“Commander, can you hear me?” Abby framed Lexa’s head in her hands, forcing her to look at her
and away from Raven. The alpha’s eyes rolled slowly in their sockets, eventually meeting Abby’s
gaze.
“What are- are you- doing?” Lexa struggled to say. “Raven- she-she needs he-help.” Lexa’s hand
landed on Abby’s wrist, her fingers tightening weakly. “He-help her. She-she hit her head,” Lexa
struggled to say, looking up at Abby, begging with her eyes.
“You need me a little more right now,” Abby said with a smile, reaching for the Commander’s
wrist to check her pulse herself. “It’s irregular,” she said to the room. “We need to stabilize her.”
“No-no,” Lexa said again, trying to get up and finding that her body wouldn’t allow her to. “She
was- she was dead- she needs you.”
“Lex, hey, I’m fine,” Raven struggled to say, she was not fine. She had never felt worse in her life.
She couldn’t think of a part of her body that didn’t hurt and her head was killing her, just staying
awake was taking all her focus and concentration, but she couldn’t have Lexa resisting treatment.
“See?” Lexa said, struggling to get up when Abby was holding her down the way she was. “She
can’t even talk right,” she said between gasping breaths. “I’m fine, I’m-” she did what she could to
speak, but before she could do anything to stop it, black spots suddenly consumed her vision. Abby
noticed the quick loss of consciousness and held onto the back of her neck, making sure her head
wouldn’t fall back.
“Let’s get her into a bed, quickly!” Abby snapped, her nurses got a stretcher ready in no time and a
few moments later Lexa was laid upon it. Before Raven could say anything else the Commander
was rolled away and out of her sight.
“Don’t worry, Rae, she is in good hands,” Octavia said, taking a hold of her hand and squeezing
gently. “And you are in good hands, too.” She moved away to let Jackson take over.
“We will get some scans done, okay? We need to make sure your brain won’t be giving us any
scares,” Jackson said gently. “We are going to do our best to help you both, Raven.”
Raven could only nod her head, too tired to do anything else.
…………………………
Lexa jerked into awareness to find an unfamiliar woman leaning over her. Her arms reacted before
her brain could process what was happening and she sent the woman flying backward, crashing
into a tray of medical objects.
“Heda, it’s okay.” A soothing voice, sweet, familiar. Lana.
“Lana,” Lexa gasped, looking up into the handmaid's soft eyes and finding that there was
something attached to her face. She reached up to remove it but Lana intercepted her hand.
“Heda, you must not touch that. It is helping you breathe.”
Lexa didn’t listen, she removed the oxygen mask from her face along with Lana’s hand.
“Where is Raven? How is she?” Lexa asked as she pushed herself up, wincing slightly at the pain
that thundered across her ribs. She paid it no mind and swung her legs over the edge of the bed,
getting ready to get up. Some annoying machine to her right was beeping rapidly, Lexa found some
cables attached to her chest and hand and ripped them all away from her, frustrated about not being
out of the bed already.
“Heda,” Lana said with a sigh, already knowing that there was not much she could to convince the
alpha to stay in bed and rest. “She is being treated by Doctor Griffin; she is not well but she is
alive.”
“Guide me to her, now,” Lexa ordered as she got to her feet. The world in front of her eyes seemed
to move dangerously in every direction. Her eyes closed in reflex and she would have ended up on
the floor if Lana hadn’t immediately moved to hold her up. Another sharp current of pain shot up
her leg and as a result, she had to muffle a pained hiss on Lana’s shoulder.
“It’s okay, Heda, I’ve got you,” Lana whispered gently, her arms steady around the Commander’s
waist. “Just take a moment to breathe and I will help you to Raven’s room.”
Lexa did as told, taking a second to make sure there was enough air in her lungs and blinking the
dizziness out of her eyes. She caught sight of the nurse she had pushed earlier, the woman was on
her feet, looking at them like they were mad. Lexa could see in her eyes that she wanted to
intervene, probably try to keep her in bed too, but Lexa would not allow such a thing. She fixed the
woman with a withering glare that had the poor nurse looking away in an instant.
“I’m ready, Lana. Take me to Raven.”
“Yes, Heda.”
………………………..
Abby had just finished setting Raven up in what would be her room for the next couple of weeks
when the Commander moved inside. The alpha had an arm around Lana’s shoulders and her eyes
immediately moved to Raven’s still form.
Abby watched the Commander’s bruised face pale significantly, wavering slightly on her feet as
she moved closer to the bed, her free hand moving to wrap around Raven’s own. The doctor could
see that the Commander was careful not to squeeze too hard, being mindful of Raven’s bandaged
wrist.
“You are supposed to be resting,” Abby said with a sigh, glancing at Lana and receiving a shake of
the head from the handmaid. “You are in no state to be walking around like this.”
“How is she? Why can’t she breathe on her own?” the Commander asked, ignoring Abby and
moving her eyes all over Raven’s body. Abby knew the alpha couldn’t see much, Raven was
covered from the chest down with a blanket, but her head was visibly bandaged and the tube down
her throat was hard to miss. The cuts and bruises over her arms and hands were visible too.
“She won’t listen to you until you tell her about Raven and she will not leave this place until she
wakes up,” Lana whispered in her ear before moving to grab a near chair and take it back to the
Commander. The handmaid put the chair silently behind Lexa, helping her sit before standing still
by the alpha’s side, keeping an eye on her at all times.
“She is doing better than I expected her to. Right now, the hit to the head is what I am most
concerned about, but from what we saw in the scans her brain was not severely affected by the
impact. She was conscious and responsive and that is a good sign, right now she’s heavily sedated
and we are keeping it that way for the next couple of days as a preventive measure. I want to
prevent complications like seizures and brain swelling so through the I.V we are giving her all the
medication that she needs. The intubation allows us to make sure she is getting all the oxygen she
needs and I assure you that she won’t be needing it for long,” the doctor explained, watching the
Commander nod slowly.
“What else?” Lexa asked, her eyes were tracing the bruising on Raven’s face, the deep
discoloration on her left cheek, and the shallow cut that sat lower over the bone of her jaw.
“There’s a lot of bruising all over her body, from the fall, I assume. Her wrist is sprained but
besides that, there are only a lot of cuts and bruising that will be bothersome for some time. The
other injuries she had, the bullet wound on her side, and the deep gash on her leg were cauterized
by you, preventing blood loss. We are making sure they stay clean and that they won’t get infected.
They both will hurt her for a while and I don’t want her putting any weight on that leg, but in a few
weeks, she should be back on her feet.”
For a long moment the Commander didn’t respond, she just curled her fingers around Raven’s
bandaged hand and closed her eyes.
“She wasn’t breathing, I had to-” the Commander’s voice cracked and she looked away, hiding her
face from Abby’s eyes. “I was pushing very hard and I just-”
“You didn’t break anything if that’s what you are asking,” Abby said slowly, keeping her voice
quiet and gentle. “There is bruising along her chest and she will be uncomfortable but that is it. I
imagine that moment must have felt eternal to you but if the oxygen deprivation had caused severe
damage, she wouldn’t have made it here. You got her breathing again, she woke up, she
maintained consciousness during the time it took you to get her here, which wasn’t a short time-”
“I tried to get her here as fast as I could, I swear to you, I did!” Lexa said, looking up at the doctor,
her face tear-streaked and her chest heaving.
“Hey,” Abby whispered, crouching by the Commander’s side so she would no longer be towering
over the alpha. “I didn’t mean anything bad by what I said, it is a good thing that she stayed awake
for that long. You did good in getting her here and she will get better.” Abby squeezed the
Commander’s knee, trying to reassure her.
“I’m not leaving,” the alpha said, resolute and leaving no space for discussion.
“Will you at least lay down in a cot if I get you one?” Abby asked, and Lexa shrugged half-
heartedly.
“I’d like to hold her hand,” she said simply, her eyes still swollen and full of water. Abby found
herself smiling warmly, giving the Commander’s leg a soft pat before standing up.
“Okay. I’ll get you a better chair then. Would you at least let me hook you up to one of my
annoying machines?” Abby asked, “I’d like to keep an eye on your heart for a while.”
“Just if you make sure no one comes to take me away from her, at least not today, please,” Lexa
asked, her voice trembling slightly. Abby frowned, knowing exactly what the Commander meant.
The attack had left behind a mess that the Commander needed to deal with, that her people
expected her to deal with, but Abby wouldn’t allow it. The Commander was in no position to be
stressed in such a way. “I need to stay with her, please.”
“Don’t worry, no one is coming to take you away. I’ll take care of everything,” Abby promised,
giving the Commander’s shoulder a soft squeeze before moving towards Lana and leaning close to
her.
“I’ll make sure she’s left alone; you make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. Keep her here and
make sure she rests. I’ll leave a team ready just outside if anything happens,” Abby whispered in
the young girl’s ear, receiving a nod before she moved to leave.
………………………
Lana knew the Commander enough to catch her hand before it could wrap around her neck.
“It is okay, Heda. It’s only me,” Lana whispered, loosening her hold around the Commander’s
wrist when the alpha’s eyes met hers. She knew that with everything that happened the
Commander had fallen into a restless sleep and that waking her up would always result in an attack.
“Forgive me, Lana,” the Commander whispered, reaching up to rub her neck. Lana knew her neck
had to be terribly sore after spending the last couple of hours slumped over Raven’s bedside.
“Heda, I was hoping you would move to the cot,” Lana said, tilting her head towards the makeshift
sleeping arrangement that Abby located in Raven’s room for the Commander. “You need proper
rest, Heda, you could use some sleep.”
“Thank you, Lana, but I’d rather stay by Raven’s side,” Lexa said, moving her chair closer to
Raven’s bed and holding softly onto her bandaged hand. Lana sighed, already knowing that the
Commander would respond that way. She moved towards the cot and picked up a pillow and a
blanket.
“Please, Heda, accept these,” Lana said as she offered the items, “I’m sure Raven would be upset if
she saw you not taking care of yourself properly.”
The Commander turned to look at Raven, frowning for a second before finally nodding. Lana
smiled a little to herself. She placed the pillow on the edge of Raven’s bed and watched as the
Commander tried to get comfortable on it, moving her free arm under the pillow before allowing
herself to lower her head, sighing a little in content as she kept her other hand gently wrapped
around Raven’s own.
Lana unfolded the blanket and laid it over the alpha’s shoulders, leaving her hand warmly pressed
over her Commander’s back for a few seconds.
“Is there anything you need, Heda?”
“No. Thank you, Lana,” the alpha mumbled against her pillow, trying to resist sleep and failing
quickly.
Lana sighed worriedly, concerned about Raven’s wellbeing as well as the Heda’s. She unfolded
another blanket and wrapped around the alpha’s shoulders, being careful to not jostle her.
She dimmed the lights and moved to sit close to the Heda, she would make sure the Commander
was okay, just like she always did. And she would make sure Raven was okay because she knew
that was the only way to make sure that Heda would be happy.
……………….
“Those pants are not going to work,” Abby said, barely glancing up from her tablet as she watched
the Commander dress into her clothes from the corner of her eyes. “Yesterday I was pulling a bullet
out of that leg, you are not squeezing it into leather, and you are not walking on it.”
“I must,” the Commander grunted, her hand visibly squeezing Lana’s shoulder as the handmaiden
tried to pull her pants up without disturbing the bandages that wrapped around the Commander’s
calf.
“You can’t,” Abby said, becoming frustrated and stepping towards the Commander, holding her up
so Lana could get rid of the pants. “Lana, please, go talk to one of the nurses and ask them for a
pair of pants. The ones the guards use will work, they aren’t tight around the leg.” The girl quickly
moved out of the room and Abby fixed Lexa with a hard look.
“Do not push my limits. You are hurt, you have no business dealing with all of this and still, I’m
letting you stay with Raven and I’m letting you sleep on a chair. If I say you aren’t putting that leg
into tight leather then you are not. Because I say so and I am the doctor, understood?” Abby said
quietly, helping Lexa onto the chair that had become her bed. The Commander nodded quietly,
deciding not to say anything and keeping an arm close to her chest, bracing her ribs. “You are
using a crutch, too.”
“My people will not react well to seeing me like that, talk to Indra, she will find me a cane. It’s not
good but they are more familiar to it than to your crutches,” Lexa said, picking up her shirt and
trying to get into it.
Abby let out a long sigh and moved closer to help, making sure the Commander wouldn’t have to
pull at her middle too much and that she wouldn’t aggravate her sensitive ribs.
“You are in no position to be out there taking care of this mess, you are supposed to be resting.
You might not be in Raven’s position but you are not fine. You should be in bed, recovering, just
like all the other guards and warriors that got hurt during the attack are,” Abby insisted, tugging
the fabric so it would cover the Commander’s chest and abdomen.
“I appreciate your concern,” Lexa said, looking honest as she stared back at Abby. “I wish my
people saw things the same way as you, but they don’t and because of that, I need to go out there
and fulfill my duty. I might be in pain, but it’s fine, I can take it. All I need is to know that Raven
will be okay,” the Commander continued, tilting her head towards Raven’s bed, the omega was
still unconscious. “You told me that she would be, so I’m fine. I’ll go out there, do what I have to
do, and come back to her, that’s it.”
“You are not fine. I haven’t been able to properly stabilize your heartbeat, you keep getting
tachycardic at random moments of the day and I see no reason for it. Here, with you attached to
this machine, I can fix it, I can give you medication to make sure your rhythm goes back to normal.
If you are not hooked to this machine, I don’t know what’s going on with your heart-”
“Nothing is going to happen with my heart,” Lexa said, sounding completely sure, holding no
doubt.
Before Abby could say anything, else Lana came in with a pair of black cargo pants folded over
her arm. The doctor stood there watching as the Commander slipped easily into the pants, the piece
of clothing just slightly loose around her hips. She sighed and gave Lexa one last disapproving
look.
“I’ll go get that cane,” Abby said, not giving Lexa another look before leaving.
……………………….
Lexa spent the next couple of days moving between Raven’s bedside and the mess the attack had
left behind. The omega seemed to be coming out of the sedation slowly, in short bouts. Lexa had
been lucky to be there when Raven first opened her eyes, they were watery and red, very sensitive
to the light of the medbay. The omega hadn’t been able to say much or to focus her eyes on much
of anything, but Lexa’s presence seemed to calm her. The Commander held Raven’s hand,
whispering sweet nothings in her ear as the intubation tube was removed. She made sure to wipe
away the tears on the omega’s cheeks and press soft kisses to her bandaged head.
Raven had tried to speak to her, but her tongue seemed to be in knots and Lexa didn’t manage to
catch much of what she said. She only understood Raven’s soft mumbles of her name and how the
omega would squeeze her hand. Those few days were hard for Lexa, Raven didn’t seem able to
stay conscious for long and that was starting to become a prominent worry for the Commander.
Abby assured her that it was normal and that little by little Raven would get better.
The doctor seemed to be right, and soon Raven stayed awake in longer intervals, she would
recognize Lexa, follow her form with her eyes from the moment the Commander stepped inside her
room. They would hold short conversations, mostly quiet nothings. Lexa would ask how Raven
felt, Raven would smile and say her head hurt. Then, Lexa would ask Raven to talk to her about
something, anything, just to keep the omega talking for as long as she could. Raven would agree
and talk until she fell asleep, Lexa’s hand warm on her own.
……………………...
Almost five days after the attack, Raven woke up, she was lying in her private room in the medbay.
Surprisingly, in less pain than before and with her mind a lot clearer. Still, her world didn’t seem to
stop spinning and the light felt like someone was incessantly poking her eyeballs with a stick.
“Welcome back, Raven, how are you feeling?”
“Fine, I think,” Raven whispered, she was going to lift her hand to scratch her nose, but her limb
was trapped. She looked down and found Lexa, sleeping with her head on the bed, her hand loosely
curled around Raven’s.
“I haven’t been able to get her to leave. She has been an awful patient. She said she wanted to be
here when you fully regained consciousness but she is exhausted as one usually is after everything
that happened. I would like her to be resting in her own bed, but at least she is resting here,” Abby
said, standing by the foot of the bed with a tablet in her hand.
“What? What happened?” Raven asked. She had a vague idea of what had happened, but her last
few days in the medbay were hazy. She knew she had been awake during some of it, she could
remember Lexa, Abby, and even Octavia, but from what she could remember from their
conversations they had always skirted around what had happened. She was sure they didn’t want to
make her upset.
Abby ignored her question and proceeded with a neuro check, making sure to be as thorough as she
could.
“You both seem to be taking turns in scaring me. You took a hard hit to the head; it was worrying
but thankfully you have been able to pull through without problems. There doesn’t seem to be any
lasting damage to your brain, but you might be experiencing some bothersome symptoms for the
next couple of weeks, maybe a month or so,” Abby explained, “you need to be closely monitored.
And we will address things as they come. I’m just happy you didn’t need surgery. Things wouldn’t
have ended so well if the Commander hadn’t gotten you here in time, Raven.”
“Fuck,” Raven said, surprised. She looked down at Lexa, sleeping uncomfortably with a pillow
placed on the edge of Raven’s bed.
“Yes, this one didn’t take it too well,” Abby said, nodding her head in the Commander’s direction.
“She was right in being so worried about getting you here quickly. We treated you early and we
would have been ready to treat any complications, but out in the open… you could have died,
Raven.”
“I know,” Raven said quietly, slipping her hand carefully out of Lexa’s grip so she could gently
caress her head.
“I was afraid her heart wouldn’t be able to handle the stress,” Abby said with a frown, “stabilizing
her rhythm has been very difficult, and I don’t understand why that is happening. None of her
injuries were life-threatening, of course, they are quite painful, but to cause an abnormal rhythm?”
Abby shook her head, annoyed at her own inability to properly treat the Commander.
“I think I might know what’s causing it,” said a gentle voice from the entrance to the room. Lana.
From what Raven could see she was holding the Commander’s coat. “I found these this morning
when I was getting the Commander’s clothes ready for her next meeting,” she said, placing a
couple of leaves on Abby’s hand. They were crumpled and on their way to becoming rotten,
possibly from being stuck on the Commander’s coat for so long.
Upon seeing them, the flash of a memory appeared on the back of Raven’s eyes. It made her
temples hurt but she tried to hold on it.
“Hmm, I think… I think Lexa was eating them?” Raven said, her statement sounding more like a
question, she couldn’t remember clearly. “I think she mentioned something about not being able to
get here if she didn’t eat those leaves or something like that, I don’t know.” Raven tried to breathe
through the pain in her head, closing her eyes and letting her head fall heavily against her pillows.
“She didn’t mention that,” Abby said as she stood up. “Every time she opens her mouth, she asks
me a million questions about you, often the same ones, and none of those times she mentioned
having consumed any leaves.”
“It’s weird that it didn’t come up in the blood tests, though,” Raven said, covering her eyes for a
moment, the light was continuing to bother her.
“Not really,” Abby responded, “I wasn’t looking for toxins when I analyzed her blood. Lana, could
you ask a nurse to come here, tell her I need to take a new sample of the Commander’s blood.” The
young girl nodded and moved out of the room.
“It wasn’t important,” Lexa mumbled sleepily as she sat up, moving to hold Raven’s hand in her
own and bringing it up to kiss the back of it. “The only thing that mattered was getting Raven here.
Hello, how are you feeling?”
“Hi,” Raven said softly, staring at the lines of stitches on Lexa’s cheekbone and eyebrow, at the
bruising that had deepened over the days. “I’m fine, how are you?”
“Good, perfect, now that you are awake,” Lexa whispered, pressing her lips gently against Raven’s
scraped knuckles.
Abby took a deep breath and begged God for patience.
“I will get that tox screen,” the doctor said as the nurse came in. Abby took the Commander’s arm
and inserted the needle, taking what she needed, and giving the sample to the nurse, knowing the
woman would know what to do with it. “Not mentioning the leaves was negligent. I hope Raven
gives you a hard time about it.” The doctor said, giving Lexa a disapproving look before leaving
and taking Lana with her. Lana would probably be able to tell Abby more about the leaves the
Commander had consumed.
“I really should give you a hard time. You have visited before and you didn’t mention anything
about how your heart has been beating irregularly during the past few days,” Raven said with a
small smile, staring back at the Commander with an arched eyebrow.
“It’s beating just fine now that you woke up,” Lexa said, bringing Raven’s hand to her chest,
letting it rest over her sternum so she could feel the steady pulse of the pumping organ. “It might
skip a beat or two if you give me one of those smiles I love, though.”
Raven bit her lip, unable to believe the words that were coming out of the Commander’s mouth.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, and a pretty smile pulled at the corner of Lexa’s
lips.
“I was hoping you would say that,” Lexa said, standing on her good leg and pressing one hand on
Raven’s mattress while the other moved to gently cup the omega’s face. In seconds Lexa was
closing in, taking Raven’s lips in a kiss that took her breath away. Lexa’s mouth was warm, her lips
sweet in the way they parted against the omega’s, unafraid to push closer and show her all her
appreciation without restraint. It was slow but so very deep, her tongue gently caressing Raven’s
own as she tilted her head to the side. She stayed there for a couple of seconds, letting out the air in
her lungs only to take a deep breath soon after, holding Raven’s essence deep in her aching chest.
“Forgive me, you need to know I would never stop, but my ribs are being quite a problem right
now.”
“It’s fine. If you keep kissing me like that you might actually kill me,” Raven whispered, licking at
her own lips, still tingling with the ghost of Lexa’s kiss.
“A kiss like that only serves to strengthen my heart,” Lexa said, bringing Raven’s hand back to her
chest.
“Might be a good idea to get Abby,” Raven said nervously, Lexa wasn’t just saying pretty words,
her pulse was actually accelerated, strong against Raven’s palm.
“No. My heart only hurts in your absence, and I have solved that problem. I have decided to never
let you go, so my heart might be safe, so it might never hurt the way it did the day you left. It is for
my own selfish benefit,” Lexa said earnestly, eyes wide and full of wonder as they looked into
Raven’s.
“I’m really sorry, Lexa,” Raven whispered, looking away in shame as tears started falling down her
cheeks, “I know I hurt you, I only wanted to keep you safe. It pains me so much to know that I
caused you so much pain.”
“Please, don’t cry.” Lexa lifted her hand, wiping away Raven’s tears with the back of her fingers.
“It is not my intention to make you feel guilty. I only wished you to know that I will be here,
always. And if you decide to leave, I will follow. And if you decide to leave again, I will follow
you again. I will do that until you get tired of my insistence, until you decide to take pity on my
soul and let me cherish you the way only someone with a heart like yours deserves to be
cherished.” Raven felt tears roll down her cheeks for an entirely new reason, her heart fluttered in
her chest with the speed of the wings of a butterfly, and she wished more than anything to jump
into Lexa’s arms and hug her against her chest as hard as she could. If only she could lift her
head… “Unless… Unless my absence is what you truly want. If me not being a part of your life
will allow you to achieve true happiness… look me in the eye and tell me so, and I swear over
everything that has ever mattered to me that I will leave you be and that you will never have to
concern yourself with my presence.”
“I have never wanted to leave you,” Raven said, sobbing. “I never wanted to leave you, there are so
many things I need to explain to you, so many things I need to say… I was so afraid they would
hurt you because of me, I only wanted to keep you safe. I thought I was doing what was best for
you.”
“Being with you is what’s best for me,” Lexa insisted, tightening her hold around Raven’s hand.
“My heart is only safe, strong, happy if you are the one holding it.”
“I broke your heart,” Raven said regretfully, avoiding Lexa’s eyes, but the Commander stood once
more, trying to keep herself steady as she tilted Raven’s head with two fingers under her chin. Their
eyes met; Raven could not look away.
“Please, fix it,” Lexa said strongly, her eyes unwavering as they held Raven’s gaze. “Please, you
are the only one who can. My heart rests in your hands Raven, you may do with it what you please.
If you decide to leave me again and break it, I’ll just follow the pieces back to you and ask you to
put it back together because you are the only one who can.”
“Lexa, please,” Raven cried, smiling through her tears. “You just can’t say things like that, you
can’t!”
“Why?” Lexa asked, her lips a breath away from Raven’s own. “Does it scare you? To know just
how much I-” Lexa faltered, stopping in her tracks as she realized what words would come out of
her mouth next. She sighed and leaned her forehead against Raven’s.
“How much you what?” Raven asked, shy and hesitant, not knowing if she really wanted to hear it.
“You know what, and if I was sure you could handle hearing it, I would shout it loud enough for
everyone to hear,” Lexa said, nuzzling her nose against Raven’s. “Now I will take the kiss I am
owed,” Lexa whispered, having not received a kiss the last time Raven told her she could not say
things like that. She leaned in and took the kiss, cupping Raven’s face in the palm of her hand with
nothing but reverence and awe. She was holding the most precious thing in the world to her and she
was painfully aware of it. She kissed Raven like it was the last time, the way she should have been
kissing her all along. She kissed Raven the way she would kiss her for as long as she had the
chance. The way she was meant to be kissed. With everything she had, with everything
she was. Not holding anything back.
She pulled away only when the pain in her ribs became unbearable, the taste of Raven’s tears on
the tip of her tongue.
“Please, don’t cry,” Lexa whispered, her arms shaking with exertion as she held herself up over
Raven’s body.
“I just don’t understand,” Raven said, framing Lexa’s bruised jaw with her hands, brushing her
thumbs over hollow cheeks with as much tenderness as she could muster. “I hurt you so badly, I
went against my word. I told you I would be there for you always and then I left, and here you are,
telling me all these things, keeping me safe and almost getting killed in the process. You should
hate me.”
“I can’t do that,” Lexa said simply, placing a soft kiss on Raven’s bandaged head, resting her
forehead against the scratchy fabric.
“Why?”
“You know why,” Lexa whispered, closing her eyes as she breathed in Raven’s scent.
“Don’t say it please,” Raven begged, her hands curling around Lexa’s neck and tightening at the
nape.
“After everything that happened, I feel like I’m choking with the words. I need you to know,
Raven, and it hurts to keep it to myself. I’ve been doing it for so long... I just want to know why
you are so afraid, why you fear that I feel this way towards you,” Lexa asked, pulling back slightly
to look at the omega in the eye.
“I am not afraid of your feelings as much as I am afraid of my own,” Raven said then, watching
Lexa’s eyes get comically wide, her eyebrows lifted as well, making her wince at the pull on her
stitches.
“I never allowed myself to entertain the thought of you feeling the same way,” Lexa confessed,
tears shining in her eyes and falling seamlessly down her cheeks. “I don’t think I can fully believe
it until you say it.”
“The subjects of my affections always end up badly, Lexa. They die, tragically, and it is because of
me. Just look at what happened in Polis, you were challenged just for having me in your life. A few
days ago, you pumped your body full of toxins so you could get me here on time and you almost
ended up dead because of me. Being on the receiving end of what I feel is going to kill you, it will,
I know it. I don’t know what I did for things to always end this way, but the story keeps repeating
itself. I’m cursed, the people I care about the most always end up dead. And I don’t want that to
happen to you, I can’t lose you like that. I can’t live knowing that you are gone because of me, I
just can’t, Lexa,” Raven started to sob, her whole body shaking with the movement of her heaving
chest. Hurting deeply with cuts and bruises that were only beginning to mend. Her head was
another story, hurting in ways she couldn’t even explain the longer she continued to cry.
And Lexa, always trying to take care of her, leaned her weight on her bad leg, hissing at the sharp
pain that shot up her calf as she tried to wrap her arms around Raven’s body. The position as
uncomfortable and as painful as it could possibly be.
“Please, stop!” Raven begged, “don’t hurt yourself for me, please.”
“But I want to hold you,” Lexa whispered, pressing soft kisses against the side of Raven’s head.
“Please, if you want me to feel better sit down and stop hurting yourself for me,” Raven said,
hearing Lexa sigh by her ear before the alpha did as told and sat on her chair beside Raven’s bed.
Lexa quickly took hold of Raven’s hand, not wanting to lose contact with her.
“I can’t even imagine how painful it must be to carry this burden, this guilt,” Lexa said, looking
back at Raven with concern, with sadness.
“I know it sounds stupid, but I truly believe it, Lexa. I know it makes no logical sense but I don’t
know how to stop feeling this way,” Raven insisted, ashamed and uncomfortable.
“It does not sound stupid at all. I know how it feels to think that everything you touch dies. I do not
think you are stupid; I am just surprised to find that we are more similar than I initially thought.
And I wish I had known sooner so that I could offer to help you carry this weight,” Lexa said, her
gaze holding nothing but honesty, care, and respect.
“What?” Raven asked, surprised because Lexa didn't immediately jump to tell her that she wasn’t
guilty about her mom or Finn.
“That guilt you are holding in your chest, the burden that comes with feeling that you are directly
responsible for the deaths of those who matter the most to you. I want you to put it on my back, let
me carry it for you,” Lexa said, her eyes sure, her fingers interlocking with Raven’s, the side of the
thumb gently caressing the omega’s. Raven didn’t think they had ever held hands quite like that,
their fingers falling between each other easily, like puzzle pieces.
“Lexa…” Raven muttered, not knowing what to say.
“Just share it with me, Raven, don’t keep it to yourself. I’ll hold it for you. I’ll hold you and I won’t
let you fall. I’ll listen and I will do my best to understand. I will take care of you and if you need to
cry, I will cry with you; and if you need to scream, I’ll take it and I will scream with you. And if
one day it all becomes too much and you can’t keep yourself on your feet, I’ll hold you up and I
won’t let you slip.” Sincerity dripped from Lexa’s voice, soothing Raven’s heart like only the
sweetest balm could.
“I don’t understand how you are even real,” Raven whispered, looking back at Lexa like she was
seeing her for the first time.
“It is very simple, Raven,” Lexa said with a small smile, squeezing Raven’s hand in her own
gently. “You think that I’m going to die because you care for me, because your feelings are a curse
and everything you care for is something that you will lose, yes?” Lexa asked, watching Raven
nod her head slightly before she continued. “Well, I know your care for me is a blessing, not a
curse, and I have tangible proof.”
“Proof?” Raven said with a frown, confused enough for her head to ache furiously.
“Yes. Do you remember when I got sick? When my appendix burst?” Lexa asked and Raven tilted
her head down in a nod. “I had stopped writing to you and you didn’t know why. You were
worried and you were wondering if something had happened to me. Someone that didn’t care
wouldn’t have been bothered about not hearing anything from me, but you cared, so you were
upset. And then you found out why I wasn’t writing back to you. You were furious, and again,
someone that didn’t care wouldn’t have bothered about trying to fix what Clarke’s words had
caused. You would have been fine with it, but you weren’t, because you knew I was in pain,
because you knew Clarke’s words had been hurting me. And you cared so much that you didn’t
even wait, you went to Polis as fast as you could. And you found me sick, yes?”
“Yes,” Raven whispered, not knowing where Lexa was going by retelling all of that.
“So, if you hadn’t cared you wouldn’t have minded about not receiving letters from me, you
wouldn’t have cared about the pain Clarke had caused me, and you wouldn’t have gone to Polis.
You wouldn’t have found out that I was sick and you wouldn’t have brought me here so that Abby
could treat me. As a result, right now, I would be dead,” Lexa said, watching Raven’s eyes go wide
as everything clicked. “I would have died painfully, slowly, thinking that I had violated you… if it
weren’t for your feelings for me, I would have died months ago, I wouldn’t have fought that duel
and asserted my power over the Coalition. If you didn’t care about me, there would be another
Commander ruling right now.”
“But I...but you… I,” Raven did her best, but she could not understand. “The ambassadors
challenged your rule because of me.”
“The ambassadors will always find new ways to challenge me, and that day you saved me, too,”
Lexa said simply, seeing on Raven’s face that the omega couldn’t just believe her words and
understand them. Lexa didn’t expect her to believe her and not feel guilty anymore all of a sudden,
but she hoped to plant a seed, to leave the semblance of doubt, a noise in Raven’s head that would
fight the thoughts that were tormenting her. “If you hadn’t been so furious with me and threatened
to kill that man if he got too close to me, I would have fought differently. I would have let him
unsheathe his weapon, make a move, I would have given him the chance to go down in an
honorable fight. Judging by his size and his abilities, I would have gotten hurt. Even if I had won
at the end, I would have gotten hurt, maybe fatally, maybe one of my injuries would have gone bad
and I would have died, maybe he would have killed me. But none of that happened because you
cared so much about me that you made me go into that fight with a different mindset, a different
plan, so I killed him before he could get a hand of me. Before you could kill him for getting a hand
of me,” Lexa said with a small smile, nothing but fondness in her eyes as she brought Raven’s hand
close to her lips.
“I would have killed him, I would have,” Raven said, tightening her hold around Lexa’s hand.
“I know. And you would have done that because you care about me so deeply, that you would stop
at nothing if it means saving my life,” Lexa said with a smile. “If you had had to kill that man to
keep me safe your feelings for me would have saved me.”
Raven stayed quiet, thoughtful, not knowing what to say. Lexa didn’t push, she just dedicated
herself to press kisses to the back of Raven’s hand.
“I don’t expect you to believe me, really. Every day I struggle with the same thought, every day I
lay in bed at night wondering if Titus is right, if you will end up paying for my mistakes, for my
weakness. And sometimes I can’t sleep, I can’t even close my eyes because the anxiety is so strong
that I can’t breathe. But then, then I remember,” Lexa said, a smile on the corner of her lips as a
nostalgic fog covered her eyes.
“Remember what?” Raven asked impatiently.
“What Costia did to me when I tried to push her away.”
“You tried to push her away?” Raven asked, shocked. “What did she do?”
“She punched me in the face,” Lexa said, grimacing at the memory alone, “very hard.”
“No way,” Raven gasped, her eyes widening.
“Yes, I fell over, a little harder and she would have knocked me out,” Lexa said with a smile, “she
was always a one-punch kind of woman, it was all it took, really.”
“And what happened after?” Raven asked, dying of curiosity.
“She straddled me and screamed in my face that I was a stupid fucking idiot. After that she kissed
me, she stayed there lying on top of me and pressed her face against my neck. She said that she
didn’t mean any of the insults she had just called me and then she ordered me to hug her. She told
me that she would stay by my side, that it was her choice and that I couldn’t choose for her. She
said she wanted to stay with me and that she would do just that, that I couldn’t get rid of her. To
make her point she stayed right there on top of me, she didn’t move away, we slept on that same
spot and in that same position for the rest of the night,” Lexa said, her smile shaky with sorrow.
“She sounds pretty great,” Raven said softly, brushing her thumb against Lexa’s to try and give her
some comfort.
“She was.”
“What happened after that?” Raven asked curiously.
“When I woke up in the morning, I couldn’t stop crying. There were attacks and assassination
attempts every other day, one would come after the other with no rest in between. Costia had
gotten hurt more than once and I was choking with anxiety, I was so afraid to lose her that I could
no longer see anything past that fear,” Lexa explained, “Costia told me that sending her away was
pointless because by pushing her away I would be losing her anyway.”
“It’s different,” Raven said, “knowing that she was away and safe would have been better than
having her close and in danger all the time.”
“Not to her.” Lexa shook her head, “Costia said that she could never be happy if I had taken away
her right to choose, if I had forced her to live a life she didn’t want. She chose to stay and I didn’t
swing the sword that killed her, but I still feel like it is my fault, like she would have been safe if I
didn’t love her. But Cos, she didn’t care about safety as much as she cared about happiness. I
always told her she could find happiness somewhere else, away from me and all the danger. She
said that there was no way for that to be true, that there was no way of knowing and I suppose she
was right about that. She believed you never know where happiness is going to be, so when you
find it you need to hold onto it. I decided to listen to her and so I came here for you. I would never
punch you so I kissed you instead, the message is the same.”
“What is it?” Raven asked. Lexa could only smile before responding.
“I’m not letting you go.”
Raven closed her eyes, tears falling down her cheeks. She was moved in ways she couldn’t begin
to explain. Her heart felt so full of warmth and love that she didn’t know what to do with it all. She
had never been loved like that and she didn’t know how to receive it, she didn’t know if she
deserved it.
“I am not worth all this trouble, Lex,” Raven whispered, her tone sure and resolute, and she knew
that sounding like that was what ultimately led to the crack in Lexa’s gaze.
“What?” Lexa asked, her voice weak as a deep frown settled over her features. “What are you
saying?” Raven felt Lexa’s hands as they tightened around her own, the alpha bringing her hand up
to her lips so she could press soft kisses over the back of it.
“Look at me, Lexa, just look at me,” Raven said, sounding frustrated and upset, tears pouring
down her cheeks rapidly. “I’m not anyone’s first choice, I never have been, I’m not top priority. I
am just not. You are the Commander, you are the alpha of all alphas, and you are so good. You
deserve the best. And I am not that, Lexa, I’m just not.”
“Raven, don’t say that,” Lexa said, her tone clouded with sadness and pain, her hand tightening
around Raven’s own. “You-”
“No!” Raven snapped, pulling her hand out of Lexa’s grip. “The Sangeda Ambassador is right.
Why would you choose me over a Princess? Why would you choose me out of all the other women
that would gladly be yours, that are more beautiful, that are stronger, that aren’t as broken as I
am?”
“I do not love any of them,” Lexa said strongly, her voice steel, almost tinted with anger. Raven’s
eyes widened.
“Do not say it,” Raven begged, shaking her head weakly, her eyes red-rimmed and wet.
“I will say it because you don’t get to sit there and talk about yourself this way. No one gets to talk
about you this way,” Lexa stated, standing up to sit on the edge of Raven’s bed and reaching out to
cup the side of her face, her thumb gently stroking the bruised skin of the omega’s cheek. “I almost
killed the last person that spoke of you like this.”
“Lexa-” Raven tried to interrupt, her hands coming up to hold onto Lexa’s wrist, squeezing it
weakly as she begged with her eyes so that Lexa would not say the words.
“No, Raven, it is as you said. I am the Commander and no one, no one, gets to speak of my Chosen
like this, not even you. Do you know why?” Lexa asked earnestly, her eyes ablaze with ardor, with
an intensity that Raven had trouble recognizing. That look had never been directed at her.
“Lexa, please,” Raven pleaded, squeezing Lexa’s wrist as she shook her head slightly, trying her
hardest to not aggravate her wounded head.
“Do you think that keeping it quiet will make it any less true?” Lexa asked, tilting her head to the
side and looking back at Raven, her eyes were soft and tender, her touch gentle on Raven’s cheek.
“No, but it won’t be real, it won’t be real if you don’t say it,” Raven said, her words sounding lame
to her own ears.
“You don’t get to fool yourself into thinking that my feelings aren’t real. And you don’t get to take
this opportunity away from me. I waited, I waited for more than a year. And I kept quiet because I
thought you would never feel the same way, because I wanted to protect you, because I didn’t want
to burden you with my feelings.” Lexa’s jaw clenched tight; her green eyes clouded by a
translucent mist. “Five days ago, you were dead under my hands, you don’t get to keep telling me
not to say it and I won’t allow you to keep treating yourself this way. You might think that you are
not enough but you are wrong if you think you can make me think the same.”
“Lexa-” Raven tried again, closing her eyes when she realized that Lexa wouldn’t back down.
“No!” Lexa snapped, her voice rising, her free hand moving to cup the other side of Raven’s face.
“Look at me!” She demanded, the anger in her voice making Raven’s eyes snap open. She was
immediately made powerless by Lexa’s gaze. “I love you, Raven,” Lexa whispered. Her words
were quiet, almost sigh-like. Twin tears fell down her cheeks and hung on the tip of her chin. “I
love you so much.” She shuddered, her breath coming out in shaky puffs that washed over Raven’s
lips. “You can’t possibly understand.” She leaned in, her forehead resting against the omega’s.
Raven felt her world tilt on its axis. She tried to look for the right words and came up empty-
handed. She looked back at Lexa; her eyes made grey by the thin sheen of tears that lightened her
irises. Lexa had always described Raven as her sun, as her source of warmth and light. But in that
moment, Raven felt the sunrise. She felt the soft rays of dawn warming her skin, she felt the gentle
summer breeze make her hair dance in the air, she felt light filter through the rain and paint endless
colors in the sky. She felt alive. She felt seen. She felt awake.
She knew that the sunrise wasn’t a feeling, but that was the only word she could think of. She felt a
star burn in the center of her chest. It was ablaze, incessantly combusting. Raven didn’t think it
would ever stop.
“If I could rip my heart out of my chest and put it in your hands, I would do it,” Lexa whispered,
nuzzling her nose softly against Raven’s and staying there, as close as she could. “And I would live
because I am only truly alive when I’m with you.”
In response, the sun in Raven’s chest burnt brighter. She could almost see it if she closed her eyes,
engulfing her whole and surrounding her in warmth.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, watching as a smile pulled at the corner of Lexa’s
lips.
“I was hoping you would say that,” Lexa responded, cupping the back of Raven’s neck gently as
she leaned in.
Raven knew that for Lexa’s people home wasn’t a place. Home was the person you decided to
spend your life with. She had known that, the concept had been explained to her, but in that
moment, she knew she hadn’t truly understood. Not until that kiss. Not until she felt Lexa sigh
against her lips, her thumbs trace her jaw, the pads of her fingers caress the chilled skin of the
omega’s neck. Not until she felt the warmth of Lexa’s mouth, the tenderness that every movement
carried, the care with which she tilted her head to the side and nudged Raven’s nose with her own.
Then came the appreciation, the way Lexa stopped to breathe and allowed herself to smile against
Raven’s lips, staying there so the omega could feel her lips stretch into a smile against her mouth.
Raven knew Lexa didn’t move away because she wanted her to feel her elation, her happiness, her
desire to stay. She wanted those feelings to seep through the omega’s skin and settle deep within
her heart, making sure she wouldn’t forget.
Finally, Raven felt the adoration. Lexa was careful, slow, and gentle; she was mindful of Raven’s
fragile body as she enveloped her in her arms. She made sure not to jostle Raven’s head, holding
her like she was something with infinite value, something to be treasured.
At that moment, Raven understood.
She was home.
Chapter End Notes
Costia's solution for everything: Just. Grab. Her. And. Kiss. Her.
Huge thanks to Cleo24 for helping me with this chapter!! Would have been a mess
without her, I swear!!
Hey guys, thank you for all the lovely comments you left me last chapter, you are all
lovely, thank you so much!!
Did you like the chapter?
In advance, I apologize for hurting Lexa and Raven, I don't know how to write
anything but angsty stuff. Don't hate me, please.
Let me know what you think in the comments!!

Chapter 17
Chapter Notes
Thank you all for your lovely feedback!!
“So…” Raven trailed off, feeling like she already knew the answer to the question she would ask
next. “Wheelchair?”
Abby lifted her gaze from her wounded thigh, the wound was deep, she would have bled out from
it if Lexa hadn’t cauterized it. Her leg would probably look like shit, Raven was sure, and she
knew she wouldn’t be able to walk on it, not until the wounded tissues and muscles properly
healed. Abby looked down again, prodding around for a few more seconds, Raven knew her face
well enough to know the Doctor was satisfied with what she was seeing.
“Yes, until your wrist heals. After that, I will allow crutches. You can start going out for some sun
on the wheelchair, it might help your color, and it might lift your spirits,” Abby said, and Raven
nodded, feeling Lexa’s heavy gaze on the side of her face. “I know this is hard for you, Raven. I
know the last thing you want is to be in a wheelchair but the last thing I want is to see you pushing
it. Your entire body took a great beating when you fell down that incline, you are lucky you didn’t
severely damage anything. Your usual pain derived from the bullet you took to the spine… this
will make it flare-up. We will do everything we can to manage it and get you to be as comfortable
as we possibly can.” As Abby spoke, Raven felt Lexa’s hand tighten around her hand.
“This wheelchair… is this something you have available for her right now or should I get it built?”
the Commander asked, her gaze moving from the side of Raven’s face to Abby’s.
“We have many of those around, that won’t be a problem,” Abby was quick to reassure, the alpha
nodded. “Once I deem your leg healed enough, we can ease into putting weight on it again. You
can take the time you will be in the wheelchair and using the crutches to start working on a new
brace, the old one did a pretty good job of taking the brunt of the fall but it is quite damaged. I
think you would benefit from building a new one.”
Lexa’s hand tightened around Raven’s once more, she leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to the
omega’s head.
“Sure, Abby, I’ll get on that when I’m feeling a little better. How’s my head?”
“There’s nothing concerning in the scans, but like I told you before you may have remaining
symptoms for a couple of months, headaches, dizziness, hypersensitivity to light and sound. With
time they will start going away,” Abby said. Raven nodded in understanding, her eyes moving to
take in the concerned look on Lexa’s face.
“You’ll get better soon, we’ll make sure of that,” the Commander said, leaning down again to
place a soft kiss on Raven’s lips. “I’m going to do everything I can to help, I promise.”
“I know,” Raven whispered, cupping the side of her face and bringing the alpha down for a soft
kiss. “It’ll be fine, I promise.”
“Heda,” Lana called from the entrance to Raven’s room. The Commander turned to look at the
handmaid and then back to look at Raven.
“I am needed elsewhere,” she said, her fingers tightening around Raven’s own once more.
“It’s fine, go, I’ll be right here,” Raven whispered, offering the alpha a smile. The Commander
hesitated, she looked torn about leaving, but it was not something she could avoid. She finally
nodded.
“My mind will be on you,” the Heda whispered, pressing a kiss on Raven’s head before turning
around to leave.
Raven sighed, watching her go with a heaviness pressing on her chest. Abby only watched, biting
her tongue.
“Just say whatever you needed to say, Abby,” Raven said, her eyes still on the door.
“I’m just concerned about how you will both deal when you are more permanently separated. She
barely manages to leave this room for a couple of hours and even then, her mind is here. These are
dangerous times and she is distracted. She asked me for a meeting and I thought we would discuss
the repercussions of the attack, instead, she asked me if she could have something built in our
camp,” Abby said, watching Raven frown in confusion.
“She wants to build something here, what is it? and why?” Raven asked.
“I don’t know, but materials have been coming in over the last couple of days, a lot of wood, a lot
of stone. There are people from the BlueCliff Clan coming to help with whatever she is doing,
apparently, they are fantastic stone workers. She has also been speaking with Sinclair, whatever
she’s building, she wants running water in it,” Abby explained, taking a seat by Raven’s bedside.
“So, you agreed to have something built inside our camp?” Raven asked, eyebrows arched in
surprise. Abby simply shrugged.
“She said it was for you, that you would benefit from it, and we are on her land. She is already
aggravated enough; I didn’t want to discourage whatever is keeping her mind distracted from the
madness that’s currently going on.”
“For me?” Raven’s jaw dropped a little. “Shit.”
“How is she going to leave you here and go back to Polis?” Abby asked, Raven rested her head
back against the pillows, she didn’t know what to say.
“She told me she loves me,” Raven said, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end. “I
imagine that won’t make leaving any easier.” Abby arched her eyebrows, eyes a little wide. Raven
frowned.
“Why do you look so surprised?”
“I just never thought she would actually do it.” As Abby spoke Raven saw Costia’s face in the
back of her eyes. Abby had known about Lexa’s feelings.
“You already knew about her feelings for me,” Raven said, Abby nodded.
“Yes, she told me how she felt about you more than a year ago, maybe a year and a half now.”
“And you said nothing?” Raven asked, she wasn’t really angry, she just wished she had known
sooner, maybe things would have been different.
“She already has enough trust issues,” Abby responded as she laid back on her chair. “I am only
talking to you about this now because she already told you that she loves you, if it weren’t for that
I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you.”
“Why were you so surprised that she told me?”
“Because she told me that she never would,” Abby thought for a moment, trying to remember the
conversation she had had with the Commander. “I tried to make her reconsider, I told her you
deserved to know but she insisted that she would never do that. She thought she would be
burdening you with her feelings… and she feels undeserving of you.”
Raven’s heart fell to her stomach.
“Undeserving of me?” Raven asked, her words clouded with disbelief. Abby nodded slowly.
“She told me very firmly that she could never give you what you deserve, that she would be
whatever you needed but that she would gladly let you go to someone better.”
“Why would she say that? She is the Commander, she is the most powerful alpha around, no one is
better than her in that sense and she is amazing to me, she is the best,” Raven said, not seeing why
Lexa would have similar insecurities to her own.
“That hasn’t always been the case, even if what she did wasn’t personal, she still hurt you by
killing Finn and by having you tortured.”
“We have talked about that before; she knows that I understand why she did what she did.”
“That’s great and I’m glad you have talked about these things with her, but I spoke to her about
Finn and the torture, back then she seemed to be feeling quite guilty about it. And now she seems
to be carrying some guilt around about cauterizing your wounds to make sure you wouldn’t bleed
out. She said something along the lines of ‘how many more scars will I leave in her body’ and if
she still feels that way about something she did to save your life then I don’t want to imagine what
she feels about the scars that were left by the torture. I wouldn’t be surprised if she felt guilty about
the fact that you got hurt and how she couldn’t protect you from that,” Abby said, keeping her
voice quiet and calm, not wanting to upset the wounded omega.
“There was nothing she could have done to protect me, the attack was not her fault,” Raven said,
frowning deeply.
“I know that and you know that, but she is an alpha and the Commander, her whole life is based
around the protection of others, of her people. How do you think she felt when she saw you dead?
When she realized she had failed at keeping you safe? It’s not at all logical but it could lead her to
think that you deserve someone who can actually protect you from harm. It’s the same with her
past mate, she is not at fault for her death either and she still feels guilty about it,” Abby explained,
looking back at Raven with a thoughtful expression on her face. “She has been in love with you for
a long time, she admitted it to me, and when I told her that you deserved to know she told me you
deserve someone better. Seeing you almost die must have pushed her over the edge because she
was set on not telling you, on being by your side as your friend until you found someone better.”
Raven frowned deeply, her heart aching deeply in her chest. She couldn’t stand the thought of Lexa
thinking poorly of herself, she just hated the thought of it and she hoped for Abby to be wrong,
even if it seemed unlikely. The Doctor had just repeated word for word things that the Commander
had told her in the past.
“This is not something I want you to feel guilty about, you are not to blame for how the
Commander perceives herself, that’s not on you.”
“It still hurts to know that she’s been thinking this way and that she has been trying to bottle up her
feelings for my benefit, that just sucks, Abby,” Raven whispered. Abby reached for her hand and
gave it a soft squeeze.
“Try to see the good in all of this, she feels as undeserving of you as you feel of her. You
understand where she is coming from. Try to go from there, I’m sure you can help each other,”
Abby said, Raven silently nodded.
“We are more similar than I could have ever imagined,” Raven whispered, turning her head to
meet Abby’s eyes.
“It will help you understand each other better, that’s a good thing,” Abby said and Raven nodded, a
small smile on the corner of her lips.
“I know, I just never thought I would have someone who got me so… completely, I don’t know,”
Raven whispered, a flush rushing up to her cheeks. “She truly loves me, Abby, I can’t even begin
to explain to you how I feel when I see her or when I hear her voice.”
Abby smiled, her eyes glinting under the dim lights of Raven’s medbay room.
“I know, Raven, I know,” Abby whispered, squeezing the omega’s hand in her own. “Don’t tell
me, tell her.”
………….
“Well, look at that smile,” Octavia said with a smile as she moved into Raven’s room. The omega
sported a silly smile on her face, her head slightly tilted to the side so she could watch the
Commander. The alpha was asleep with her head on the edge of the bed, Raven’s fingers gently
buried in the mess of brown curls.
“Hey, O,” Raven responded, turning to look at her friend and keeping her voice quiet, the last thing
she wanted was to disturb Lexa. “It’s kind of late, why aren’t you in bed?”
“I wanted to see how you were doing and that’s a little hard to do when this one barely leaves your
side,” Octavia said, tilting her head in the Commander’s direction. “At least now she is asleep so
we can talk a little. How are you?”
“I’m good, very tired but good. I’m very uncomfortable but that is to be expected.”
“Yeah, what happened was quite fucked up,” Octavia said, nodding. “We were really worried
about you two.”
“What exactly happened? I mean, those people had bombs, guns, who the hell were they?” Raven
asked quietly.
“Rae, you are just getting better, we don’t need to talk about this, the Commander is handling
everything and we are doing our best to help.”
“O, come on, don’t leave me in the dark. Lexa is very stressed and I haven’t asked her for fear of
upsetting her more, I need you to tell me what’s going on,” Raven said and Octavia sighed.
“We think it was a hit against the Coalition, they had very specific targets, and they retreated when
those targets were put down. They shot against the Ambassadors, the Commander, and Titus. All
the Ambassadors were killed before Abby could do anything about it and Titus is in critical
condition, Abby doesn’t think he is going to make it. All the other guards and gonas that were hurt
seem to be collateral damage, the fire was not focused on them, but they were trying to protect the
Ambassadors so they were killed in their attempt. Their funeral pyre was two days ago.
Commander Lexa arranged the ceremony and she sent a rider to the capital to call for Titus’
apprentice, they should be getting here in the next couple of days. Commander Lexa thinks
someone is trying to destabilize the Coalition, provoke a war and she thinks it is not a coincidence
the attack happened just after she ordered the Sangeda Ambassador to leave…” Octavia said,
trailing off at the end to let the information sink in on Raven’s mind.
“She thinks the attack came from the Sangeda?” Raven asked quietly, her fingers softly caressing
the alpha’s hair.
“She thinks there’s a possibility it was them, they have been hostile lately, they have been trying to
remove her from power. It makes sense for them to be behind it, but then some things don’t add
up,” Octavia explained, tilting her head to the side.
“Like what?”
“Many of the attackers escaped as I told you before, they retreated as soon as Titus and the
Ambassadors were down, but we did manage to take some of them down, very few and they all
seem to have the same scarring around their faces, that’s typical in the Ice Nation not in Sangeda,
so we are pretty lost. At the same time, they are all sporting exile brands so we know they aren’t
legitimate members of the Azgeda army, at this point, we don’t really know what to believe. The
fact that they were armed the way they were was worrying too.” Octavia frowned deeply, “When
you feel better you will probably be asked to study what was left of the bombs they used, but the
Commander has prohibited everyone from asking you about that sort of thing.”
“Of course,” Raven whispered, turning to look at Lexa with soft eyes, her hands caressing the back
of the alpha’s head.
“I don’t want you to stress about any of this, you need to focus on getting better,” Octavia said,
keeping her voice gentle and steady. “Now, can you please tell me about that grin that was splitting
your face when I came here?”
Raven’s face twisted into a smile once more and Octavia couldn’t help but smile back.
“She told me that she loves me,” Raven whispered quietly, “she loves me, O, she loves me,”
Raven said, barely capable of believing the words that were coming out of her mouth.
“Of course she does!” Octavia said with a short laugh, “She looks at you like you make the sun
rise and like you hung the moon and the stars in the sky. I felt kind of bad for her, walking around
all sad with her heart eyes, thinking that you only wanted her as a friend to fuck with. It was kind of
sad but I am glad she finally told you, I thought she would never do that, but I guess watching you
die was more than she could handle.”
“Yeah, Abby said something similar, I imagine that must have been awful for her, probably made
her relive what happened with Costia. She was kind of angry when she told me but it was still
perfect, it made me feel like everything was falling into place,” Raven said with a smile and
Octavia frowned slightly.
“Why was she angry?”
“I don’t feel the best about myself, I was telling her she could do better than me, that she deserves
someone better and that made her upset, she didn’t like to hear me speaking about myself that
way,” Raven explained and Octavia hummed in understanding.
“I understand why she was angry, hearing the person you love and care for speaking like that about
themselves can’t be easy to take in.”
“Yeah, I imagine that me being in pain hurts her just as much,” Raven said with a small frown.
“She’s trying to make me see what she sees, but I feel like that’s up to me, you know? She can do
her best, but if I don’t put in the work then… I don’t know. She chose me and she told me she
loves me and that still feels so surreal, like any second now I’m going to wake up from the perfect
dream.”
“The perfect dream?” Octavia said with a teasing smile, trying to lighten the mood. “You almost
got your ass blown up, Rae. This is not a dream.”
“I know,” Raven said, a soft smile on her face as she glanced down at Lexa, her hand moving to
gently press against the alpha’s shoulders. “That makes it even crazier.”
Octavia nodded and for a moment they fell into an easy silence. After a while, a thought crossed
Octavia’s mind.
“Did you say it back?”
“Well, not really?” Raven said sheepishly, receiving a look full of disbelief from Octavia.
“Rae, you have to be kidding me, you didn’t say it back?”
“Look, my brain is barely working, and when she said that I almost lost my mind. Besides, I want
to do something special for her, something nice, and make her really feel it. I really fucked up and
handled things poorly with her, I want to do something nice,” Raven explained and Octavia nodded
with a worried look on her face.
“Rae, you are in no state to be doing anything really, so why don’t you just tell her. I’m sure it will
be special and meaningful for her either way,” Octavia offered.
“I could do that, or you could just help me arrange everything?”
“So, I would do all the work and you would just be here,” Octavia asked, both eyebrows arched.
“I almost died, O, cut me some slack. Come on, help me, just this once.”
“Okay, okay, what’s on your mind?”
Raven smiled and proceeded to tell her friend what she wanted to do.
………………………….
Raven woke up to the quiet sound of groaning, she opened her eyes and saw Lexa sitting on her
chair, hair wet and slightly dripping while she tried to get into a black shirt. Lana was helping her
but it still seemed like every little movement was causing the Commander a significant amount of
pain. Raven wasn’t surprised, Lexa’s side was colored in painful-looking blotches that covered the
expanse of her ribs. The omega couldn’t help but wonder exactly how Lexa had carried her weight
for miles if she was hurt like that.
“Raven,” Lexa whispered, tugging her shirt down quickly when she met Raven’s eyes. “You are
awake, hi.” The alpha moved closer, bringing Raven’s bandaged hand up to her lips and kissing the
back of it. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay,” Raven said, giving the alpha a small smile and watching as Lana moved to stand
behind the Commander. She was trying to dry her hair as much as she could with a towel so she
could braid it after. “I don’t like the thought of you sleeping in that chair though,” Raven
whispered, taking Lexa’s hand and bringing it up to her lips. She pressed soft kisses to scarred
knuckles and watched as a soft pink flush washed over the Commander’s cheeks.
“Don’t worry, I’m okay. You know I have slept in worse places,” Lexa whispered, her eyes a little
wide as Raven kept hold of her hand, keeping it close to her chest.
“Yes, but there's no need for that now. And I saw those ribs, Lex, you can’t be sleeping on a chair,
it must be painful,” Raven whispered, looking worried and upset.
“I’m okay,” Lexa insisted, offering Raven a sweet smile. “Don’t worry about me, please.”
“Would you ever let me sleep on a chair?” Raven asked, eyebrows arched. Lexa offered her a
sheepish smile, shaking her head no. “Exactly, the cot is 3 steps away, it looks comfy enough,
too.”
“I want to be close to you,” Lexa whispered, eyes shining green under the med bay’s light. Raven
felt breathless at the sight of them, there were stitches and bruises all over Lexa’s face, but she
always looked so pretty. It made the omega’s stomach flip.
“You will be close, only three steps away,” Raven repeated, tightening her hold around Lexa’s
hand.
“No, you don’t understand,” Lexa swallowed hard, her jaw working from side to side as she looked
away from Raven’s eyes. “I wouldn’t be able to sleep… I-” Lexa stumbled over her words and
Raven frowned in worry. The alpha was still avoiding her eyes. “Every time I close my eyes, I’m
back by the riverside… my hands are on your chest… and I…” Lexa’s voice broke, Raven felt her
blood run cold. “I can feel your bones, the way they bend under my hands… and I…” Raven saw a
tear slip down Lexa’s cheek, it was left hanging from the tip of her chin. “I can see water leaking
from your mouth… and you… you don’t wake up.”
“Lex…” Raven whispered, her voice dying as it met her lips.
“It’s different if I can feel you,” Lexa said before Raven could find her voice. “If I can feel the
warmth radiating from your body, the softness of your skin… If I’m holding your hand, if I can
feel your pulse at your wrist then I can convince myself, tell myself that you are safe, that you are
alive. If I don’t, I just feel like I felt when we fell into the river, cold, lost, horrified, like I’m made
of pure terror. Like I’m being torn in every direction. Please, don’t ask me to let go.”
“I won’t,” Raven responded, her eyes as wet as Lexa’s, “but I will ask you to come closer.”
“What?” Lexa asked, blinking quickly.
“Help me move,” Raven said, trying her best to scoot to the edge of the bed.
“No, Raven, stop!” Lexa said, alarmed. “Don’t move!”
“Lana, will you please?” Raven said. The handmaid was by her side in an instant, doing most of
the work for her and gently pulling her towards the edge of the bed, leaving a decent space on her
right. “Lex, get in here.”
“Raven, I could never, you are hurt. I don’t want to-”
“Lexa,” Raven exclaimed, giving the alpha a hard look. “Come closer, or so help me god I will
stand from this bed and drag you in here myself.” There was no way she could stand or drag Lexa
anywhere, but she hoped the Commander would believe her words. It seemed to work, for in
seconds the alpha was scrambling to get into bed with her.
“No, please. Just stop moving, please,” Lexa whispered, her face twisted with worry as she laid
next to Raven, her good side pressed against the mattress.
“I will. Come closer,” Raven said and Lexa did as told, pressing her front flush to Raven’s side,
leaving her head inches away from the omega. Raven allowed her head to loll to the side and the
tip of her nose brushed against Lexa’s. “You okay?” Raven whispered gently, moving her head just
enough so she could nuzzle her nose against Lexa’s. The alpha shuddered against her, her eyes fell
shut as she pushed her head a little closer to Raven’s, letting her forehead rest against the omega’s
bandaged one.
“I am now.”
“Good,” Raven said, closing her own eyes. “I want your arm around me.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Lexa whispered, keeping her arm by her side and nowhere near Raven.
The omega had to reach for it and wrap it around her middle herself.
“You won’t, I know where my wounds are and so do you,” Raven said, feeling the comforting
weight of Lexa’s arm fall right under her breasts, inches above the wound on her side. “Lana, can
you please go outside and make sure no one comes to take Heda away.” Raven didn’t see the
handmaid leave, but she did hear the door open and close. “You would never hurt me, Lex.”
“But I did-” Lexa’s voice broke, and Raven was painfully reminded of the conversation she had
with Abby the day before.
“You did not, you saved me, Lex. Please, just kiss me.”
Lexa leaned in, letting her lips brush softly against the omega’s. She kept the kiss innocent, sweet,
content with feeling Raven’s body so close to hers.
“I’m right here, Lex. I’m going to be okay. I promise you,” Raven whispered, pressing a soft peck
on Lexa’s lips.
“I should have done better. You should have never gotten hurt like this.” Lexa’s voice dripped with
sorrow; her breath came out in shaky puffs that washed over Raven’s lips.
“You cannot blame yourself for this, you weren’t even the reason why I was in the Mountain that
day. You saved my life, that’s it,” Raven insisted, searching for Lexa’s hand with her own and
allowing their fingers to interlock.
“Saving your life doesn’t erase the fact that I failed to keep you from getting hurt, to begin with,”
Lexa responded. Raven let out a loud sigh and stayed quiet for a moment. “Will you forgive me?”
Lexa asked then. Raven shook her head softly and pressed her lips against Lexa’s once more.
“There’s nothing to forgive,” Raven said and Lexa only hummed in response, leaning in to press
her forehead against Raven’s bandaged head. “I want to ask you something.”
“Okay,” Lexa whispered, not pulling away.
“Do you feel unworthy of me?” Raven asked.
Not a second later:
“Yes, of course,” Lexa said easily, she was beginning to sound sleepy, but Raven couldn’t let her
rest after having said something like that.
“Lex,” Raven said, placing her hand on Lexa’s chest to push her back slightly, just enough so she
could look into her eyes. “Why would you say that?”
“What do you mean?” the Commander asked with a frown, blinking quickly to get rid of the sleepy
fog that covered her eyes. “I’m not a good person, Raven.”
The certainty with which she said those words made a deep ache settle on Raven’s heart.
“You are wrong about that, you are good, Lexa, you are!” Raven said strongly.
“Raven, please, let’s just not,” Lexa said, tucking her nose against Raven’s shoulder and closing
her eyes.
“No, hey, no!” Raven said, pushing her hand against Lexa’s chest one more. “You don’t get to do
that. You don’t get to stop me from saying shit about myself and then pretend for me to be okay
when you say shit about yourself.”
“It’s different, Raven. The things you say about yourself are not true, the things I think about
myself are true,” Lexa said, letting out a frustrated sigh and reaching up with one of her hands to
rub at her eyes. Her fingers pushed accidentally against the split on her eyebrow and she grimaced,
letting out an annoyed grunt. “I don’t need for us to argue about this right now. I just want to be
close to you and make sure you are safe, that’s it.”
“You don’t get to do that, and saying you are a bad person is a fucking lie!” Raven was getting
angry and her head was not agreeing with it, the back of her eyes started to throb.
Raven could only internally wince when Lexa got out of bed angrily.
“So, I did not kill hundreds of people?” Lexa asked, her tone challenging, her temper starting to rise
as well. “I did not have people tortured, I did not send men and women to war and have them die in
my name only for them to leave their kids as orphans?”
“Lexa…” Raven said slowly, “You can’t seriously be judging yourself over the decisions you
made in times of war or those you made to enforce your people’s laws.”
“You don’t get to make me out to be something that I’m not. I am what I am and that is it. Good is
something that I am not and you won’t make me believe that killing is good because it is what I
need to do to protect my people. Killing is necessary, but it is never good . And you won’t make
me believe otherwise.”
“Why do you feel unworthy of me then?” Raven asked, her voice cold and filled with irony. “I
have killed people, just like you, and I will continue to kill people if that allows me to protect you.
Like I would have killed that Sangeda warrior if he had somehow managed to overpower you in
battle. I would have shot him as many times as necessary to make sure you left that fight alive and
you know it. So please, tell me, why exactly are you unworthy of me? Because this killing thing
makes no sense.”
Lexa stood with her back to Raven, breathing heavily and saying nothing. A moment passed, then
another, and finally the Commander found her voice.
“You were not designed for this,” Lexa said, voice cold and hands clenched into fists as she slowly
turned to look at Raven. “You were not made with the sole purpose of knowing how to kill
someone else, and when you were a child you did not murder your brothers and sisters with your
own hands to make sure you would be the one to rise to power.”
“Lexa-” Raven tried to say but the Commander didn’t let her.
“Killing is not instinctual to you, Raven. It is not part of who you are and you were not raised to be
a killer. Ever since the river, my first instinct when someone wakes me up is to attack them. I hurt
one of your nurses that way and I would have hurt Abby if Lana hadn’t been there to stop me. Not
mentioning all the times I have tried to wrap my hands around Lana’s neck, Lana’s.”
“This way of life was forced on you, Lexa, you didn’t choose this,” Raven said with a heavy frown.
She knew that Lexa carried guilt around, it sat heavily on her shoulders, but the level of self-hate
she was seeing at that moment was something she had never believed possible.
“Didn’t I?” Lexa asked furiously, her eyes watering. “I could have refused to fight the Conclave; I
could have given up my right to be Commander and I would have never become this-” Monster.
Raven knew that was the word she was going to use but it seemed like it got stuck in the alpha’s
throat, making it hard to breathe.
Costia’s words rang true in Raven’s head. Lexa, at her core, she is not a fighter.
“Lex, please, come back to bed,” Raven said softly, hoping the alpha would relent. “Don’t make
me get up to get you,” Raven said, she knew she wouldn’t make it to her feet but seeing her trying
would be enough, she hoped.
In the end, she didn’t have to move, the possibility of her getting hurt was not something that Lexa
would entertain, and because of that, in a matter of seconds, the Commander was back in bed with
her. Stiff to the point of pain, brows furrowed, wet tracks on her cheeks.
“I can’t breathe,” Lexa whispered, eyes squeezed shut as translucent drops rolled over the bridge of
her nose. Raven knew it had nothing to do with her ribs.
The omega pushed her hand against Lexa’s chest, her palm flat over the sun tattoo.
“I’m right here with you,” Raven whispered, hoping to offer comfort. “I know I can’t convince you
of being good. I can’t erase all of these things you have been holding onto for so long in just one
second, but I can promise you, Lexa… I can swear to you over everything that has ever mattered to
me that you are good to me.” She leaned forward, letting her forehead rest against Lexa’s as she
tried to express everything she felt for the Commander. “You are so good to me. Sometimes I
wonder how someone like you even exists. I could have never dreamed of someone like you.
Someone so kind and gentle and sweet. Someone smart and strong and thoughtful. You have been
through so much and you still manage to be so affectionate and caring. The world has beaten you
down over and over again, and instead of letting that make you rot from the inside you just work to
make the best you can do so that every day we fight less and live more.”
“I would have rotten if I hadn’t met you. I had lost my heart, you gave it back to me,” Lexa
whispered, breathing easy with the weight of Raven’s hand on her chest.
Raven let out a laugh, mixed in with a gasp and a cry.
“You can’t say-” Lexa leaned in before Raven could finish. Taking her mouth in a desperate kiss,
fragments of passion and pain were pressed against Raven’s lips. Lexa seemed to breathe in deeply,
her chest pushing against Raven’s hand as she kept her lips locked with the omega’s. She could
finally breathe.
Raven felt Lexa’s chest push against her hand, once and then twice before the Heda’s lips moved
again, the motion was slower, tender where it had been desperate before. Raven got lost in the
feeling of plump lips and warm skin. Somehow, she could hear birds singing, she could smell
scented candles, wood, and fresh furs. She could taste sweet pastries at the tip of her tongue and
she could feel juice sloshing against her cheeks. The flash of a swing set appeared in the back of
her eyes, a hill came next, accompanied by the image of leather boots sinking in wet mud. Happy
memories, Raven thought, all with Lexa. When had she become the omega’s happy place?
With the soft trace of Lexa’s tongue against her bottom lip memories continued to wind back. The
sight of a metal railing, the feeling of heavy furs over her shoulders, and the view of silvery moon
rays washing over green eyes. In the back of her head, a pretty song played and hesitant feet moved
with her own. Lexa pushed closer, the tip of her nose caressing the side of Raven’s own. The
omega found herself sitting on grass, under a tree, a blue book with a blonde boy in the cover was
being balanced on her knees. The Little Prince. She saw green eyes again, hopeful and sweet,
happy at the thought of having a friend. The pages under her fingers were covered by a fox, a rose,
a boy, and near the end came the voice of the pilot.
I shall not leave you , the pilot said to the small boy.
Raven repeated the same words against Lexa’s lips. The alpha froze, her lips a breath away from
Raven’s.
“What?” Lexa asked, dazed green eyes blinking rapidly back at Raven. The omega was ready,
brown eyes open and focused, already looking back into green ones.
“I shall not leave you,” Raven said once more. Lexa’s brows pulled at the center; Raven caught
sight of the tiny frown that came with the Commander’s confusion. The one she fell in love with.
“I don’t understand,” Lexa whispered, her frown deepening, she pulled back just enough to take in
Raven’s face properly.
“It is as it sounds. I will not leave, I will not push you away,” Raven said, resolute and sure, “It
means that I want you.”
“ What?” Green eyes looked back at Raven, wide as a child’s. Lexa had given her the same look
when Raven had offered her friendship. That look was made of pure awe and disbelief.
“I choose you, Lexa,” Raven said with a soft smile, her thumb brushing over a bruised cheek.
Green eyes watered, the flood was quick to spill and soon tears were getting caught on Lexa’s lips.
And then, softly, quietly…
“Really?”
“Without a doubt,” Raven responded, bringing Lexa’s hand to her lips and pressing a soft kiss
against her knuckles.
Lexa’s shoulders heaved with feeling, she tucked her face against Raven’s gown, her eyes closed
tight.
And then, with inexpressible elation…
“Thank you.”
Raven’s heart broke at the words, just a little bit. Lexa had said the same thing when Raven had
offered to be her friend.
“Hey, hey…” the omega whispered softly, tracing the side of the alpha’s face with her fingertips.
“That’s not something you should thank me for.”
“But I feel grateful,” Lexa insisted. Raven sighed a little, giving the alpha a smile.
“I know, I know,” Raven relented, looking into Lexa’s eyes and lowering her voice. “I feel grateful
for having you, too, and for your love.”
Lexa only smiled in response, leaning in and placing a chaste kiss on Raven’s lips.
“You have made me immensely happy,” Lexa whispered, her fingers interlocking with Raven’s.
“I’ll always do my best so you are happy by my side and you need to promise me that if I am
getting it wrong you will tell me. I promise you, Raven, I will do better.”
“I’m already happy by your side, Lex,” Raven whispered, reaching out for Lexa’s hand and
holding it against her chest. “Ever since we started exchanging letters… having you around just
made me feel better, happier, and I don’t know when exactly that feeling became something more,
but I…” Raven struggled forwards, her gaze shying away from Lexa’s for a second. She wasn’t the
best when it came to expressing her feelings, but she wanted Lexa to know she was valued and
appreciated too. “I can’t help but smile when I see you, you know? And I long for you when you
are not around, and there’s no one else I’d rather talk to… Walking away from you broke
something inside of me and I just… I never want to feel like that again-” Her voice broke and a
quiet sob pushed past her lips. “I know it’s stupid because I walked away... I made that decision but
I need you to know that it hurt more than I can explain. And I never wanted to be away from you, I
never wanted it, Lex. I just feel like that was what was safer for you. And then we both almost got
killed so maybe safety doesn’t really exist, you know?”
“Hey, shhh,” Lexa whispered worriedly, brushing her thumb over Raven’s cheek. “Don’t cry,
please. I’m right here and we both made it out okay. You are going to get better soon.”
“Lex, please, we are not okay. I feel like shit and you are all broken, Abby is worried about your
heart still. You saved me and almost killed yourself in the process. I feel so helpless knowing that
no matter what I do I can’t keep you safe.” Tears continued to pour down Raven’s cheeks, blurring
her vision until she could barely see Lexa’s face.
“Ray, my love, please,” Lexa said, leaning in to place soft kisses over the omega’s cheeks. Raven
could barely process what was happening, her brain had short-circuited as soon as Lexa had used
the term of endearment. “I’m not broken, my heart is fine, and with time you will get back on your
feet.”
“Lexa, don’t lie to me. Abby has one of her nurses following you around because she fears
something will happen to your heart and you are going to drop dead without warning. I saw your
side with my own eyes and I have seen the way you walk; you are in pain. I can’t even get up from
this bed, I-”
“Raven,” Lexa said strongly, making the omega go quiet as she let out a soft sigh. “Nothing will
happen to my heart, I promise you.”
“How are you so sure?” Raven said, giving the Commander a disbelieving look.
“Because you have made me the happiest person alive. You have chosen me, Raven, and I intend
to live many years to show you over and over again that I can love you well, that I can make you
happy. My heart is going to be fine because you have given it the strength to beat harder than
before.” Lexa looked deeply into Raven’s eyes, trying to convey her conviction, trying to make her
see how sure she was about them having the life that they deserved. “I never dreamed for much. I
had Costia, I thought she was the gift life had given me and that after experiencing the truth and
the purity of her love I could not possibly have anything else. And then you came along, life gave
me another gift, can you see how beautiful that is?” Lexa asked, eyes flooding with tears that
rushed down her cheeks to hang on the corner of her smile. “I get to love again, Raven, I get to be
reminded that I am capable of feeling things and doing things that are not related to war, conflict,
and politics. I get to love you, Raven. And that makes my heart strong.”
Raven smiled a little through her tears, bringing Lexa’s hand up to her lips and kissing her knuckles
over and over again.
“I understand what you mean but I don’t think that’s how hearts work,” Raven said playfully,
squeezing Lexa’s hand tighter to her chest.
The alpha let out a quiet huff and pressed her lips against the omega’s, giving her a sweet kiss.
“I understand your concern and I appreciate it but I am not the one that actually died so please try
not to worry about me. I’m okay and you have made me very happy,” Lexa insisted, looking down
into Raven’s eyes and placing a kiss on the tip of her nose.
“You are so sweet, come give me a kiss,” Raven said, smiling into Lexa’s mouth once their lips
made contact.
They spent countless moments right there, sharing sweet kisses and muttering words of love and
adoration. Their hands didn’t break apart either and soon Raven was getting a little tired, feeling
cozy and content with the weight of Lexa’s body right by her side.
“There’s something I want to ask you,” Raven whispered, her eyes only halfway open, her voice
low with exhaustion.
“We can talk later, once you have rested.” Lexa was quick to reassure, her thumb gently brushing
over Raven’s bandaged forehead.
“No, no, I want to do this now,” Raven said, holding onto Lexa’s shirt so she wouldn’t move away.
“Would you like to go on a date with me?”
As a response, Raven got the little confused frown she loved so much.
“What is this date?” Lexa asked, seeming confused.
“Well, it’s this thing that couples do where they do an activity together to bond, get to know each
other better, or just spend some time together. When someone is interested in someone else, they
ask them on a date, if they enjoy themselves then they continue to date until they decide to be
together officially, I suppose,” Raven explained, watching Lexa’s face fall slightly once she
finished.
“Forgive me, I did not know your people had this courting ritual. If I had known I would have
invited you to many dates, I promise. I will take you on a date as soon as possible. Do I need to ask
you what you want the date to be or should I plan in secret?” Lexa asked, looking more than a little
worried. “I didn’t mean to do things wrong with you or to overlook your people’s customs. I wish
to court you properly, the friends with benefits concept was just confusing to me. I didn’t know
what to-”
“Lex, Lex, relax,” Raven said, chuckling as she moved her hand to press her fingers over the frown
on the alpha’s face. “We started our relationship by having sex, it’s fine if we don’t go about things
in order. You can ask me on a date whenever you want, I’m not mad about us not having dates
before. Right now, I’m asking you on a date, so just say yes.”
“No,” Lexa said, making Raven’s jaw drop.
“What do you mean no?” the omega asked with a frown, “we are together, I get to take you on
dates.”
“You need rest, you don’t need to concern yourself with anything other than healing,” Lexa said,
her tone final. Raven would not have it.
“Look, we didn’t get to celebrate your birthday properly, that still bothers me. Now, it took us a
long time and a lot of pain to get where we are now. I know a lot of that is on me and I want to
start making it up to you, I want to do something nice for you so I will be taking you on a date. I
will take you against your will if I have to.”
“You are in no position to force me to do anything,” Lexa said with a small smile.
“You sure about that?” Raven asked, eyebrows arched. Lexa nodded motioning to Raven’s
position on the medbay bed. “I will get out of this bed then, I will put weight on my fucked up leg,
and my head won’t react well to the movement so I will probably puke or something, and I will do
all of that until you accept to let me take you on a date.”
“You wouldn’t do that,” Lexa said softly, wrapping her arm around Raven’s middle to make sure
the omega wouldn’t move.
“Try me,” Raven said, looking at the alpha with a smirk and a challenge in her eyes. Lexa shook
her head and leaned in, placing a soft kiss on Raven’s cheek.
“We will do whatever you desire.”
“I promise I won’t hurt myself; I’m getting help for the date,” Raven was quick to reassure. “I
know that I’m not in the best state, but I’m hoping we can have a good time anyway.”
“I always have a good time with you,” Lexa whispered, kissing Raven’s lips a moment later. “The
date is not necessary, I don’t need something special and you don’t need to make up for anything,”
the alpha said, remembering what Raven had said before.
“We can disagree on that,” Raven said, her smile falling a little. “It shouldn’t have taken an almost
death situation for me to accept that my feelings for you are going to be there regardless of my
fears and my insecurities. I overestimated my ability to stay away, I hurt us both in the process, and
pushing you away doesn’t help me deal with my insecurities at all. I don’t know if I will ever feel
deserving of you, I don’t see myself ever waking up and being like ‘yes, I deserve having this
amazing human next to me, loving me and making me feel safe and happy’ I don’t think that will
ever happen, but I want you, Lex, so I guess I’ll just go with it and hope you don’t notice that you
could do much better than me,” Raven said with a hollow chuckle.
“Stop, stop,” Lexa whispered against Raven’s lips, kissing her sweetly to keep her from talking.
“You are wonderful. There’s no better than you, there’s just you, the woman I love, unique and
one of a kind. It is as the fox explained, Raven, now that we have bonded, to me you have become
special and extraordinary. I don’t want anyone else, there is only one of you and that’s not going to
change. You are the one that I want and that is not going to change.”
Raven said nothing, she just grabbed a fistful of Lexa’s shirt and pulled her close. She kissed her
hard and deep, one hand clenched around soft fabric while her other brushed over the back of her
neck, feeling goosebumps rise on Lexa’s skin right under her fingertips.
“Between the two of us, you are the only extraordinary one,” Raven whispered, her breath hot on
Lexa’s lips. She could barely look into her eyes, for they were simply too close.
“We can disagree on that,” Lexa muttered, closing the space between them to place the softest of
kisses on Raven’s lips. They were light, weightless, soft, and very brief, the brush of a feather and
nothing else. Raven could feel the burning star in her chest threaten to consume her whole. “I love
you,” Lexa whispered, letting her forehead rest against Raven’s. “So deeply.”
Raven felt her eyes water as her lips tugged up into a smile. Gently, she tucked her head against
Lexa’s neck, keeping her hand clenched around the fabric of her shirt, only wanting to keep her
close.
“Please, don’t cry,” Lexa said, Raven could hear the worry in her voice, the concern. The last thing
the alpha wanted was to cause her grief.
“Good tears. I don’t think I’ve ever been loved the way you love me,” Raven said, leaning her
head back and reaching up to cup Lexa’s jaw with the palm of her hand so she could look into her
eyes.
“I’m honored to be the first.” Lexa smiled, the lightness in her eyes matching the joy on her lips.
She reached for Raven’s good hand and brought it up to her lips, kissing the back of it. Raven took
that chance to interlock her fingers with Lexa’s, running her thumb gently over the side of the
alpha’s own.
“And hopefully the last.” Raven watched Lexa’s eyes widen, her cheeks were flooded with blood
as her lips parted in shock.
“Yes?” Lexa asked quietly. And she sounded so wishful, like nothing in the whole world could
possibly make her happier.
“Yes, I know I made a big mistake, Lex. I know that I caused you a lot of pain, all I want is time to
show you that I can be more to you than just a crack in your heart,” Raven said, her thumb gently
tracing the edge of Lexa’s jaw.
“Ray, you have never been and never will be a crack in my heart. I was hurt by your actions, yes,
but I know where you were coming from. I have been there before. And if you feel for me at least
half of what I felt for Costia when I pushed her away then I would say that there’s hope for us, that
there’s a future in which we are happy and strong together because what we feel for each other is
honest and pure.” She stopped to take a deep breath, smiling as she leaned down to nuzzle her nose
against Raven’s and press a kiss on her lips. “What I feel for you runs as deep as the roots of the
oldest tree. It can’t be uprooted and it will not go away.”
“I don’t know what I will do with myself when you leave,” Raven whispered, closing her eyes at
the sheer pain that the thought of Lexa leaving caused her. She tightened her hold around Lexa’s
shirt, keeping her as close as she could.
“Please,” Lexa begged, visibly shaken by the mention of her departure. “Let’s not think about that
right now. You have been up for a long time now, why don’t you try to rest?”
Raven hummed quietly, moving as close to Lexa as her body would allow her.
“Will you stay with me?”
“Of course, and if I’m forced to leave, I’ll tell Lana to stay with you and keep you company. You
won’t be alone,” Lexa said, pulling the blankets up to Raven’s chin and pressing a soft kiss on her
forehead.
“You should give Lana a rest, she’s been having to deal with you and I know for a fact you have
been difficult,” Raven said with a teasing grin, looking up at Lexa with an arched eyebrow.
“Lana is used to dealing with me. She will rest more by being here with you than by following me
around everywhere.”
“Okay,” Raven whispered as she closed her eyes. “Please, stop being difficult and making it hard
for her to take care of you. You are overdoing it, Lex, and I don’t want anything bad happening to
you or any of your injuries getting worse. Just please, take care of yourself.”
“I need to take care of everyone else first, Ray, it can’t be any other way.”
“It’s always going to be like that, right?” Raven asked, already knowing the answer to her question.
“Yes. Ray?” Lexa asked, nudging the omega’s arm and prompting her to open her eyes.
“Yes?” Raven asked, frowning slightly at the concerned look on Lexa’s face. “What is it?”
“Will that be a problem for us?”
“Not at all,” Raven said with a smile. She reached up to press at the crease between Lexa’s brows
with her fingertips, making it go away. “While you put yourself last, I will be putting you first. Like
that we will get some sort of balance and we will be okay. You take care of the world and I’ll take
care of you. Hopefully, that will make the weight on your shoulders a little easier to carry.”
Lexa’s eyes were clouded by mist. She leaned down, kissed Raven sweetly, her hands framing the
omega’s face with adoration.
“You can’t say things like that,” Lexa whispered, her nose tucked gently against the omega’s.
Raven chuckled against her lips.
“Did you just steal my line?” Raven asked, watching the alpha smile brightly.
“I did, but you stole my heart first so I think it’s only fair.”
“That is possibly the cheesiest thing you have ever said.” Raven’s cheeks were burning red and her
stomach fluttered with the rockets that incessantly went off in her insides.
“Shhh,” Lexa whispered, pressing her lips against Raven’s once more. “You like it.”
“I do,” Raven said, the undertone of a laugh in her voice. “I love it.”
“It’s not just pretty words, you understand that, right?” Lexa asked, pulling back just enough to
look at Raven in the eye.
“Of course, don’t worry about that. I know you wouldn’t say something you don’t mean.”
“Good.” She stopped for a second, looking down at Raven with concerned green eyes. “I know my
position is difficult and I would understand if it ever became too much, I need you to know that.”
Raven frowned deeply. She slipped her hand gently over the back of Lexa’s neck and pulled her
close. The alpha’s forehead fell over her own. Raven had never breathed easier.
“Your position is difficult, I honestly don’t know how you manage it sometimes, but you still try
your best so that I’m okay and happy. I see that, Lex, and it means the world to me. You have
always tried your hardest for me, let me try my hardest for you. It will be enough, I’m sure.”
“But if you ever feel like you can’t try anymore, you can lea-”
“Lexa, for fuck’s sake,” Raven snapped, getting a little exasperated.
“Forgive me, I’m sorry,” the alpha stumbled for words, shaking her head as if that would help her
organize her thoughts. “I fear living the kind of life my position will force on you will eventually
wear you down. You are made of light, Raven, and I would hate to be the reason why that light
disappeared.”
“I feel like I burn the brightest when you are around.” Raven ran her fingers gently over the back of
Lexa’s neck, tracing the thick scar that split her infinity tattoo in two. “I understand your fears, I do,
I just don’t see that happening. If I loved myself half as much as you love me, I would feel much
better about myself, Lex, and you know that. And you try so hard to make me see all those things
about me that you find worthy of love and appreciation…. I don’t think you could wear me down
by doing that, Lex, I really don’t.”
“If I ever become something that can’t love you well, promise me that you will leave.”
“Lexa.” Raven exhaled the alpha’s name, her face contorted in shock.
“Raven.” Lexa pulled back, her face serious and holding no sign of doubt. Her green eyes looked
into Raven’s, unwavering. “If I ever become something that can’t love you well, swear to me that
you will leave.”
“Lex-”
“Swear it, Raven.”
“I-I swear it,” Raven responded, her tongue felt heavy and bitter in her mouth. She was confused,
how had they even gotten to that?”
“Good,” Lexa said simply, leaning down to kiss the omega on the lips. Raven barely felt it.
A knock on the door startled them both. Lana came in a second later, she moved to the
Commander’s side and whispered something quickly in her ear. Raven didn’t catch it but she did
feel the sudden spike of anguish in Lexa’s scent.
“I must go. Rest and don’t worry about anything,” Lexa said quickly, pressing a swift kiss to
Raven’s forehead before standing from the bed and leaving the room.
“Lana, she left her cane on the corner over there, could you please…?” Raven asked, the handmaid
didn’t need to hear anything else.
“I’ll be back in a moment.”

“I have done everything I can, now it is up to him. He hasn’t been making much progress. At this
point, I would say only a miracle can save him,” Abby explained. She stood by the side of Titus’
bed; the Commander was standing in front of her on the other side.
“Are we only prolonging his suffering?” Lexa asked, her face void of feeling as she looked down at
her mentor.
“If I were to unplug him right now, he would die,” Abby responded, “I am being as aggressive as I
can be with the medications I am giving him, but the chances of him getting better are considerably
less than the chances of his organs starting to fail. Now, this is not Polis, he is not suffering. He is
not in any pain.”
Lexa looked up briefly, fixing her eyes on Abby for a second without saying anything.
“What is your position as a healer?”
“I would recommend pulling the plug,” Abby said, short and to the point. “I do not see him coming
back from this. And if he did manage to survive this, the severity of his wounds would profoundly
impair his cognitive and physical function. He would not be able to fulfill his duty, he would need
around the clock care, and I don’t see your people accepting that from a Flamekeeper.”
Abby watched Lexa’s knuckles go white, her jaw working from side to side as she tried to think.
“Do everything you can to save him. If he makes it, I will make sure he gets the care that he needs,
that would not be a problem,” Lexa said, Abby nodded. She could sense the Commander’s grief
and she knew then that even if Titus had constantly made her life more difficult and had forced her
to be in pain unnecessarily, the Commander still cared about him.
“Even if he dies there will be people on your side,” Abby said watching the Commander blink
once and then twice.
“Your people will be on my side? They hate us, it is evident.”
“I will be on your side; Marcus will be on your side. He trusts your vision and I trust him. And we
happen to be the leaders of our people. It is only natural for people to be afraid of what is different,
we just need to spend more time together, they will see we are not that different,” Abby offered,
walking around the bed to stand closer to the Commander.
“With every season that passes I find myself losing the people that knew me before I became
this,” the Commander said then, looking away from Abby. “I value your allegiance, but neither
you nor Marcus knew me before I rose to power. It makes me feel...” She trailed off, struggling to
find a word that would properly enclose the way she felt.
“Like you are losing a part of yourself?” Abby asked, tilting her head to the side.
“I’m not sure, I suppose so. His ways weren’t the best and he has always cared about the flame
more than about me, but he was there. Maybe he wasn’t by my side for the right reasons, but he
was there, and he challenged me. Can I be good to my people without him there to question my
every move?” the Commander asked, her eyes on the floor.
Abby moved even closer, hesitating briefly before putting a hand on the Commander’s shoulder.
“There is a voice in your head that sounds like him, yes?”
Lexa looked up, her eyes a little wide. She nodded.
“The people that matter to us, we internalize them, they become a little bit our own and they
remain even after we lose them. You don’t need him there to question your every move, you know
how to do that yourself. And no one but you know how to be a good Commander to your people.
Since falling down here I have managed to learn a bit about the history of your people,” Abby
explained, looking at Lexa in the eyes so the Commander would know she was being honest. “I
know that Titus served several commanders before serving you, none of them achieved what you
achieved and Titus was there for all of them. Your success is not on him. You made the difference.
And you will continue making the difference and doing your best for your people long after he is
gone.”
The Commander dipped her chin, blinking away the water in her eyes.
“Thank you, Chancellor. Your faith in my abilities is meaningful to me,” the Commander said,
receiving a soft squeeze on the shoulder from the Doctor.
“Just take a breath. I can’t promise I will save him but I can promise I will try my hardest.”
“That’s more than enough for me, thank you.”
Abby nodded. She had hoped for the tension in the air to clear after that conversation, but it didn’t.
It stayed the same and it saturated the room in a way that made the Doctor’s eyes burn.
“Is there something else on your mind?” Abby decided to ask. She watched the Commander
hesitate, her mouth opening and closing several times before she decided what to say.
“It was easier to entertain the idea of pursuing something else with Raven when I thought my
Coalition to be relatively stable and strong, when I thought we had fallen in a state of relative
peace. Now I find myself terribly in love and unable to go against my feelings and my desires, just
as the world I worked so hard to build decided to start falling to pieces around me. It is quite
inconvenient,” the Commander said, her tone matter of fact and lacking all emotion. It was quite
disturbing, especially because Abby knew she was very upset.
“Raven will want to be by your side now more than ever.”
“Yes, that’s what concerns me. She has no sense of self-preservation.”
“I could say the same about you,” Abby said, receiving a heated glare from the Commander. “Do
not go against me, not about this, you know I’m right.”
“She’s going to get herself killed,” the Commander said heatedly, her pheromones flaring
noticeably before she pulled them back again.
“Yes, she might,” Abby said simply, going as far as shrugging.
“How can you be saying it like that?” the Commander asked, her face contorted in a mix of
concern and pain.
“Wouldn’t you do the same for her?”

“Yes, of course!” the Commander said quickly, as if the question on its own was insulting.
“Then why do you expect her to do anything less? Your feelings are not one-sided, Lexa, don’t
expect her to act like they are,” Abby said, fixing the alpha with a heavy gaze, willing her to
understand.
Abby watched a drop of sweat roll down the Commander’s temple, moments later her breathing
pattern changed, becoming shorter and a little faster. She wasn’t sure there was anything wrong
until the Commander stumbled, her eyes closing tight.
“Lexa, it’s fine, just take a seat,” Abby said, pushing the Commander into the nearest chair.
“She’s going to get herself killed,” Lexa muttered, falling heavily into the chair.
“Just take a breath, Raven is fine and you are fine,” Abby said calmly, pressing her fingers against
the Commander’s wrist. She looked up and met the eyes of a nurse, she waved her in with her free
hand and asked her to get Lana. Moments later the handmaid was running inside.
“Heda?”
“I’m fine, I just need a moment,” Lexa said, visibly lying through her teeth. Abby didn’t buy it and
Lana confirmed her suspicions with a swift shake of the head.
“Just now, did you get dizzy?” Abby asked, crouching right in front of Lexa.
“No, I’m fine, I just need to go check on Raven,” the Commander said, Abby looked at her for a
second, unable to tell if she was telling the truth or not. She turned to the handmaid.
“Lana?”
“She’s lying,” the young girl said, receiving a weak glare from the Heda.
“What about chest pain?” Abby asked, turning to look at the Commander once more.
“No, I’m fine, I just need to go see Raven,” Lexa said, trying to get up from the chair, but the
motion was hard with the way Abby was pressing against her knees.
“Lana?” Abby asked.
“She is telling the truth, she’s not in pain but she is not okay.”
“This is ridiculous,” Abby huffed, getting frustrated quickly. “If you are not in pain then tell me
what you are feeling.”
“Pressure,” Lexa spat out, “it doesn’t hurt, it's just pressure, like there’s a weight in my chest.”
“On a scale of 1 to 10 how bothersome is it?” Abby asked.
“I’m not sure, three, I suppose,” the Commander said. Abby turned to Lana just to make sure. The
young girl tilted her head to the side, watching the Heda closely. She hummed as she bit her lip.
“At least a five, I would say.”
Abby sighed, looking up at the Commander with an expression that bordered between the edge of
concern and annoyance.
“Breathe with me, inhale deeply, hold, exhale, yes,” Abby said, helping the Commander through
the process several times. “That’s it. Close your eyes if you are feeling overwhelmed, try to empty
your mind, just focus on your breathing. Inhale deeply, hold, exhale. Good. Don’t stop, keep
going.” Abby said, looking up and towards the glass windows that faced outside Titus’ room. One
of the nurses met her gaze and Abby was quick to wave her in. The woman was inside in an instant
and after a few quick words from Abby, she was out and back with a glass of water and a couple of
pills. “Here, take these. They should help so that this doesn’t happen again for now.”
The Commander did as told without question, taking small sips of water and trying to control her
breathing until she felt better. Abby grabbed a near chair and sat in front of her.
“Look, this is what I have been trying to talk to you about since you got here. You haven’t been
taking me seriously and you keep saying that your heart is fine. It’s not fine. You are not fine. You
filled your body with toxins and you didn’t tell me about it. If you had, I would have pumped your
stomach and maybe the sequels of the toxin you took would be lesser. But that didn’t happen
because you are negligent with your health,” Abby said, her voice was soft but serious, her eyes
severe as they looked into the Commander’s. “Being dizzy and short of breath and feeling pressure
on your chest, that’s not how fine feels like, so if you are feeling any of that and I ask about it you
can’t answer with ‘I’m fine’, it would be a lie.”
“My healers… in Polis… either I’m okay and I can push through it or I’m dying,” the Commander
explained, her jaw working from side to side. Abby could see she was confused, and that she was
unsure about what she was hearing. “If I’m not dying then I’m okay and I can do my duty. That’s
how it needs to be, that’s what my people need from me.”
“So, if you were in Polis and you walked into your healer’s tent with a bullet in your leg, you
would be ‘fine’?” Abby asked.
“Of course. He would pull the bullet out, stitch it up or burn it, cover it and I would be on my way.
He would come care for it once or twice a day, try to make sure it doesn’t go bad, but he wouldn’t
insist on resting the leg, not putting weight on it, and all those other things you recommended.”
“He would not give Heda any sort of pain reliever either,” Lana mentioned, “as Commander, she is
supposed to be able to withstand this sort of thing.” The Commander nodded along. “Heda does not
mean to lie to you when she says she’s fine, that’s just what she is supposed to say. If people heard
her complaining about anything it would speak of weakness, that would be dangerous, it would
imply that she is vulnerable to attack,” Lana explained, moving to stand behind the Commander.
“Yes, feeling dizzy… that’s just not something I would think to mention to a healer, it would be
frowned upon,” the Commander said. Abby looked down for a moment, taking a deep breath. She
didn’t know what to feel about what the Commander and Lana had just explained to her, it was too
awful, and dwelling on it for long would do nothing but crush her mood. All she could do was try
to make sure things were different for the Commander while she was in Arkadia.
“The last two times you have been hurt you have been more compliant and willing to receive
treatment, why is it different now?”
“Both of those times I was almost dead when I got to you, you had to perform surgery, and I
couldn’t have gotten out of bed even if I had tried to. Both times my people were sure I was going
to die, both times there were talks about calling the Conclave. The fact that I made it was enough
of a show of my strength for them; warriors don’t usually survive when they are run through by
swords or when they fall ill with appendicitis,” the Commander explained, “I know you think my
people should see me as a human, but me surviving those things didn’t help with that. On the
contrary, in their eyes, I am now even more special than before.”
“The more superstitious groups talk of Heda being immortal,” Lana mentioned quietly. The way
the Commander’s eyes widened led Abby to know that she hadn’t been aware of that detail. The
young girl lowered her eyes. “Rumors of your supposed immortality spread in whispers along the
capital, Heda. You have been to war several times, poisoned, challenged, ran through with a sword,
you survived an illness that has killed everyone that has ever had it before, and you have been
fatally wounded many times before that. Now you fell off an incline and walked miles carrying
someone else while injured by the Mountain’s weapons… People talk, what happened must have
already spread through the land. Humanity is the last thing our people see in you, Heda.”
The Commander didn’t say anything, she just leaned back on her chair looking thoroughly
exhausted. Abby watched her lift her hand and she knew the Commander would press against her
forehead, a gesture that Abby had begun to notice became more frequent when the alpha was
stressed. She captured the hand before it could make contact, knowing the Commander would
accidentally press against the split in her eyebrow.
“Careful with your stitches,” Abby warned, letting go of the Commander’s wrist a second later.
The alpha stopped for a second and redirected her motion, lifting her hand a little bit higher to
avoid her eyebrow and then pressing her fingers hard against her forehead. It was too much stress
in a very short amount of time.
“Look, I understand your people have certain views and I understand that those views have shaped
you. I understand that. However, you and I had a conversation a long time ago, or have you
forgotten? You can’t neglect your health, not if you want to be part of Raven’s life because if you
keep treating yourself this way you will end up hurting her,” Abby said, watching the Commander
duck her head in embarrassment. “I know you weren’t neglecting your health on purpose; I know
that. And I now know that you will think that you are fine unless you are dying, so let’s change
that, okay?”
Lexa nodded, listening closely.
“I’m not your people and we see things differently here. So, when you are talking to me remember
that if something doesn’t feel good, if something doesn’t feel okay, then it’s causing discomfort.
And anything that causes discomfort is worth mentioning,” Abby watched both Lana and Lexa
frown at the exact same time.
“Anything?” the young handmaid asked.

“Yes, anything.”
“So, if she has a headache, that’s worth mentioning?” Lana asked and Abby nodded.
“Of course, if not how else would we know? And if we don’t know then we can’t make it better.”
“Well, I just watch Heda, notice that there’s something off, go to the healer's room, take what I
need and mix it with her tea so no one notices it’s medication,” Lana explained simply, adding in a
shrug for good measure. The Commander turned to look at her with wide eyes. Once again, Abby
noticed that she hadn’t been aware of that particular fact.
“And how do you know what is off?” Abby asked curiously.
“I don’t know, she does small things when she’s hurting. Like, when her head is starting to hurt,
she blinks more constantly and avoids the light at all costs. Her facial expression doesn’t really
change, but she just moves away from the light, or from noisy parts of the towers that she would
usually frequent. When her stomach is upset, she drinks more water than usual and avoids the
pastries and the fruits that she enjoys most, she tries to eat but ends up leaving most of her meals
behind. Or when her shoulder is feeling particularly sore, she starts tugging at the buckle of her
shoulder pauldron, it’s nothing too noticeable, her hands just wander up, she pulls on it gently and
lets go.” Lana mimicked the gesture as if she was wearing the Commander’s shoulder pauldron
herself. Abby saw the Heda's cheeks flush. “I’m not sure what else to say, she just does little
things. For example, right now… she must be developing a really strong headache if she is pressing
on her forehead like that.”
Lexa’s fingers froze where they were pressing at her temple and she self-consciously lowered her
hand to her lap.
“That’s fine Lana, don’t worry, you don’t need to say anything else. I’m glad you can notice when
something is wrong even if the Commander doesn’t say anything, that’s of great help,” Abby said,
turning her gaze back on the Commander to make sure her point had hit home. “Anything that
causes you discomfort, you tell me about it, understood?”
“Understood,” Lexa repeated.
“Okay, try it now. Tell me, how are you feeling?”

“I’m f-” She cut herself off before the word could make it out of her mouth, breaking the habit
would be no easy thing. “I’m sore, my leg and my ribs hurt.”
“Of course, you have been walking around all over the place against medical advice, what else?”
“I can feel my heartbeat in my neck and my chest feels tight?” the Commander said, though her
statement sounded more like a question.
“Are you asking me that?”
“I don’t know, it’s just not something necessarily bothersome,” the Commander said, frowning
slightly.
“Do you normally feel your heartbeat in your neck?”
“Hmm sometimes,” the Commander said. Abby frowned.
“Sometimes as in the last couple of days or…?”
“Yes, it has been happening the last couple of days, since the attack but it has happened before.
When I was young things were difficult sometimes and I had these moments where I couldn’t
breathe properly and I could feel my heart beating so hard that I thought it would just rip out of my
ribcage, everything felt so loud... It scared me and that just made it worse. With time I got better at
managing it. It got worse after I lost Costia, and now it only happens rarely, after I have a
particularly bad nightmare. I know that’s not what’s happening now, I just thought to mention that
I’ve had this feeling of my heartbeat in my neck before,” the Commander explained quickly. Abby
could tell that she was getting uncomfortable and that she wanted to be done with the subject as fast
as possible.
“I understand, and it was good to mention it, maybe we can revisit that at another time?” Abby
offered and the Commander nodded. “Okay, good. What we are going to do now is get you back to
your room, I will get you hooked up to one of my machines and I will keep you monitored for the
rest of the day. You need rest, the stress you are under isn’t helping your condition and we need to
make sure nothing goes wrong, okay?”
“I still have a few meetings to attend to,” the Commander said.

“I know, let me handle that for you. I won’t say anything that will make you look bad, I promise.”
The Commander nodded as she stood, grabbing her cane and walking back towards Raven’s room.
The omega was asleep. Abby watched the alpha pull the blanket up and tuck them under Raven’s
chin before leaning down to press a kiss on her forehead. The Commander watched the sleeping
omega for a few seconds before finally sitting on her chair and reaching out to hold Raven’s hand
in her own.
Abby lifted her shirt for a moment, making sure the electrodes were placed properly on her chest
before leaving her be.
“Just try to relax, my nurses and Lana will be right outside if you need anything,” Abby whispered,
giving the Commander’s shoulder a quick squeeze before leaving the room.
……………………….
“Lana?”
“Yes?” the handmaid said, standing from her seat by the door and moving to Raven’s side in an
instant.
“Relax, I just wanted to ask you something,” Raven said and the young girl nodded, relaxing her
shoulders. “Yesterday I was talking to Lexa and she said something that I didn’t quite understand.
She said ‘promise me that if I become something that can’t love you well, you will leave’, do you
know why she would say something like that?”
Lana’s face seemed to fall for a moment and Raven knew then that the young girl knew exactly
what Lexa was trying to say.
“She was different before Costia’s death. The loss poisoned her inside, she desired justice and she
couldn’t take it without starting a war with Azgeda. So, she became the person you met when
Skaikru first fell in our lands. Cold, detached, unfeeling, ruthless. The beauty she saw in the world
seemed to drain right out of her. She stopped visiting the children at the orphanage, she stopped
going to the markets to see the people, she stopped playing with the children in what is now the
park…” Lana trailed off for a second, needing to take a deep breath before continuing. “The
Commander is always the one to make the first and last cuts during an execution. Before Costia
died the whole process seemed to disgust her, after… she just would stare with a vacant look in her
eyes, almost like she didn’t care. Titus was pleased, he believed the loss had made her stronger.”
Lana shrugged, a deep frown on her face. “I was concerned, I knew she wasn’t okay, much less
when she stopped visiting the Nightbloods. When they were able Costia and Heda would go to
read to them at night, before bed. After that, the Commander would only see them at their
mandatory lessons.”
“She became someone else…” Raven whispered, nodding in understanding.
“Something,” Lana corrected. “Whatever she was then, it didn’t feel human,” Lana said, her eyes
dark. Raven swallowed hard. “Watching her fall for you was like watching the last snow of winter
melt under the sunlight, letting the flowers resting underneath bloom to life,” Lana said then,
offering Raven a smile. “After years of watching her face hold little to no expression, I have
managed her to find her smiling at nothing. We can guess exactly where her mind wandered off
to… or to whom.” Raven felt her cheeks burn and she had to look away from Lana’s eyes. “That’s
not something you should be embarrassed about, thinking about you makes her happy, that’s a
good thing.”
“I know, I know. It’s just… being so important to someone is kind of weird for me, that’s all,”
Raven explained and Lana simply nodded.
“I would imagine Heda feels it is odd too, she hasn’t truly mattered to anyone since Costia.”
“Well that’s just a lie, I have seen the way you look at her, Lana, come on,” Raven said with a
smile. It was the handmaid’s time to blush.
“Heda and I grew up together in the tower, we were close but the nature of our relationship
changed when she ascended. To be Commander is to be alone, she was already having problems
because of her relationship with Costia, I didn’t want to make her burden worse. I do what I can
within the boundaries of my position,” the handmaid said. Raven nodded sadly, reaching out to
hold Lana’s hand in her own.
“She trusts no one the way she trusts you, you do know that?” Raven asked, feeling relieved when
she saw the younger girl nod.
“Of course, why else would she entrust me with the protection and the care of her only treasure?”
Lana said, her eyes glinting brightly, Raven couldn’t help but blush once again.
“Stop!” Raven said with a grin of her own. A thought crossed her mind then and she looked up at
Lana with wide eyes. “She plans to leave you here when she leaves, doesn’t she?”
“Yes, she does. She wants me to personally oversee and help with your recovery, and she wants me
to keep her updated on your progress and whatever you might be needing. She also wants me to
stay close just in case…”
“In case what?” Raven asked.
“In case someone tries to assassinate you and in case she is assassinated in Polis,” Lana said
simply.
“What could you do in either case?” Raven asked, and Lana arched her eyebrows.
“Well, the handmaids that work in the tower are never just handmaids. We are trained as warriors
first, we are made to be proficient in many weapons, especially blades such as knives and daggers,
which are easily disguised and difficult to spot when wearing proper clothing. After, we are trained
in the art of assassination. The logic behind it is that we are the last line of defense between a
possible assassin and the Commander or the Nightbloods, or whoever we are serving, so if all
guards fail, we are expected to be able to prevent the people we serve from getting killed,” Lana
explained, her tone soft and matter of fact. Raven was fighting not to let her jaw drop. “We are
expected to always be clean and precise, and we are always expected to seem harmless. This is a
secret of the tower. An assassin would not take us as a possible threat when planning to infiltrate
the tower, we count on that surprise factor.”
“Is this why you travel everywhere with Lexa?”
“Yes.”
“Is this why she has never hurt you when you wake her up?” Raven asked, replaying the times in
her head where Lana had gone to wake up the Commander and Lexa had pulled a knife on her.
Lana was always able to intercept the hand when that happened.
“Yes.”
“Wow, have you actually had to kill people?”

“Of course, Heda knows I’m good at it, that’s why she always leaves you in my care. She trusts
that I will be able to keep you safe,” Lana said simply. Raven could only blink back at her, she had
always thought that Lana was just a shy girl, sweet and caring. Turns out that she was what? an
assassin?
“And what does Lexa expect you to do if something happens to her in Polis?” Raven asked, trying
to hold back her shock and save it for later.
“That depends on what happens after she dies. If the Clans fall into war your people will not stand
a chance against their armies. I would take you somewhere safe, where you can have a life out of
the bloodshed. If the Clans do not fall into war and one of her Nightbloods manages to maintain the
peace, I’m expected to wait and assess the situation. If I find that it is unlikely for you to get killed
then we can stay with your people, if not… then I take you to safety.”
“This safe place, where is it?” Raven asked with a frown, Lexa had surely planned ahead. Raven
hadn’t really let herself worry too much about the attack, Lexa had insisted that everything would
be okay. But now Lana was talking about the possibility of either of them dying shortly. Had Lexa
lied to her?
“Well, it wouldn't be very safe if you knew about it, would it?”
“Lana, are things really that bad? Lexa keeps telling me not to worry and then I find out she has a
plan in place in case she gets killed,” Raven asked with a frown. “Is she lying to me?” Lana
chuckled in response; Raven frowned harder.
“She has had this plan in place for months. Do you really think she could have set this up in the
few days that have passed since the attack? How would that work?” Lana said, and Raven nodded
along, figuring that that made sense. “She thought she would be dead by now, that’s why she
thinks she will get killed any day now.”
“Oh, you mean because she has been the Commander the longest,” Raven said, it wasn’t a
question, but Lana answered anyway.
“Yes, if she had died when the sword went through her, she would have lived around the same
amount of time as the past Commander’s. But she survived, so now she is the longest living
Commander by quite some time, she doesn’t know for how long that’s going to be so she wants to
make sure you are going to be secure in the event of her death.” After that, they fell into an easy
silence. Raven rested her head back against the pillows, trying to organize her thoughts and finding
it to be quite difficult.
“Why does she think she can become someone who will not love me well? I don’t plan on letting
us lose each other,” Raven asked, the expression on Lana’s face turned bitter.
“War breaks something inside of Heda. I think it is something she does without meaning to so she
can protect herself. She locks her human side deep where the war can’t reach and leaves outside
the killing machine she needs to be on the battlefield. You must understand that on the battlefield
there’s no place for hesitation,” Lana said, begging Raven to understand. Raven could see in her
face that the handmaiden believed that what she said would change how Raven felt about the
Commander. “When it is over and she is left with all the people that got killed in her name…” Lana
seemed to lose her voice. “I do not know how to explain but she is left in a bad place. She would
always execute her duty and do what she needed to do for her people, but pulling out the person she
locked inside… that was always the hardest part. Costia did her best and eventually, Heda was
back to being herself, but it wasn’t easy.”
Raven swallowed hard; a bitter taste had settled in the back of her mouth.
“Are you saying that there is a war coming?”
Lana shrugged, almost looking bored. “Isn’t there always?”
……………………..
Her conversation with Lana had left her mind spinning. If the world was going to go to shit then
she needed to marry Lexa, mate her, have pups with her, everything. Shit, she could not move.
They could go to the safe place Lana had mentioned before, together. They didn’t need to wait for
Lexa to get killed to fuck off into the wilderness and be happy together, just them and their
imaginary pups.
Yes, Raven thought. Marry her, mate her, have a shit load of pups. A whole army of them. Since
when did she want children?
“Here,” Abby said. When had she even moved to Raven’s side? The omega couldn’t tell. “Take
this for the headache you are surely giving yourself.” Raven took the pills in the doctor’s hand and
swallowed them without thinking twice.
Just the day before she had invited Lexa to a date with her. She would have to talk to Octavia, fuck
the date, what they needed was a marriage ceremony. A lightbulb went off in Raven’s head. A
marriage date! Yes, perfect! Getting married on their first date, that would be a great story to tell
their pups.
“Raven, I could sense your panic from outside, can you please tell me what’s going on?” Abby
asked with a concerned frown. “If the Commander catches a whiff of your scent right now, she’s
going to tear this place apart thinking that you are being attacked.”
“I think that I need to get married to Lexa right now, go get her please,” Raven said seriously,
trying not to squint at the bright lights of her room. Abby was not wrong when saying she was
developing a headache. “You can officiate the ceremony, Lana and Octavia will act as witnesses. I
will make her a ring later. Go, Abby! Get her! Why are you not moving?” the omega said
forcefully as she tried to incorporate herself. “Abby, please, go get her!” She suddenly dissolved
into sobs. Abby reached out to hold her, Raven kept pushing her with her minimum strength.
“Abby, I promise I will make her a nice ring later. In the meantime, you get us married. Right here,
yes, I don’t have to get up or anything. Just go and get her here, please.”
“Raven, I’ll go get the Commander in a second. First, I need you to take a deep breath and try to
calm yourself,” Abby whispered, holding gently the back of the omega’s head, not wanting for her
to hurt herself. “Getting married should be a happy moment, I’m sure you don’t want to be crying
through the ceremony.”
“That’s bullshit, everyone cries at weddings. Just get Lexa here, Abby!” Raven cried, pushing
weakly at the Doctor’s chest.
Abby just held onto her, letting the omega push at her chest until she tired herself. Raven was left
with her head leaning limply against Abby’s shoulder, her arms caught against her own chest and
the doctor’s.
“We are going to die, Abby, we are both going to die. We both almost got killed just a few days
ago,” Raven cried, her voice raw and cracking with every word. “I’m just going to be another
Costia. Just another girl who by some stupid miracle met the love of her life and then died, having
done nothing with her. That’s going to be me, Abby, I found Lexa and now I’m going to die and I
have done nothing with her. I don’t even know what her favorite color is.”
Abby frowned in concern, finding herself at a loss of words. She only rubbed the omega’s back,
hoping to soothe her.
“I don’t want to die, Abby, I need more time. I want more time with Lexa. Please, Abby, just go
get her.” The omega continued to sob, her thoughts spinning out of control.
“I can’t get her here right now, Raven, I’m sorry.”
“What? why?” Raven said, pulling back to look at Abby, eyes wide with terror.
“She’s back at the Mountain.”
“Back at the Mountain…” Raven said in a whisper, the information having not registered properly
in her brain. “What do you mean back at the Mountain? We just got blown up there! What the fuck
do you mean back the Mountain?” Raven started thrashing on the bed, trying to get up. Abby held
her down as she shouted for a nurse. “People got shot at the base of that Mountain! Bring her back!
Fuck, Abby! Let me go!”
“Raven, please,” Abby whispered, trying to calm her. “You are going to hurt yourself; I’m going to
get her on the radio for you. You will see that she’s just fine.” Her words did little to nothing to
calm the omega. Thankfully, the nurse had come back with a syringe in hand and Abby was quick
to jab it in the omega’s neck. “Shhh, it’s fine, it’s fine.” Abby laid Raven back down against the
pillows, her limbs had gone slack and her eyes were falling shut. “Lexa will be right here when you
wake up.”
…………………………………
She had been fighting unconsciousness for about half an hour. Her brain had started to process
certain stimuli, mostly sound, and just one scent. The only one that mattered, Lexa’s. Feeling it
lulled her into a sense of security that relaxed her even further. Her brain was sluggish, barely
working at all until eventually, she was able to crack her eyes open.
A smile pulled at the corner of her lips when she took in the shape of Lexa’s body in the low light
of her room. The alpha was on her side, keeping an arm wrapped gently around her middle. Her
chin was tipped down, resting against Raven’s shoulder. She was awake, Raven could tell. The
Commander was gently pressing her warm foot against Raven ice cold one. It didn’t matter how
many blankets they used; Raven’s feet were always deadly cold. And the Commander, instead of
moving away to avoid the uncomfortable sensation of Raven’s icy feet, pressed her body closer to
the omega’s, trying to trap her feet against her calves or between her legs to warm them up. It made
Raven’s stomach flip.
“Hello,” Lexa whispered, moving closer to press her lips against the smile on Raven’s face.
“Hi,” Raven sighed, “Don’t move away.” The Commander did as told. “Kiss me.” Raven didn’t
need to ask again. Lexa pulled her into a sweet kiss, slow and soft. The alpha pushed herself up on
her elbow to ease the strain on Raven’s neck and then deepened the kiss. Raven thought that her
panic from before would rush back in, but instead, she was transported to an enormous bed of furs
and a candlelit room. Soft hands cupped her face, Lexa’s nose nuzzled against her own, and after a
moment she was left looking up into worried green eyes.
“I heard you had a hard time this afternoon,” the Commander mentioned, tracing Raven’s cheeks
with her thumbs. She didn’t ask anything; she wouldn’t push if Raven didn’t want to talk about it.
“I realized that I want a future with you and that I might not get it,” Raven whispered. Lexa didn’t
deny her statement. The alpha only leaned down, letting her forehead rest against Raven’s for a
moment. Raven reached up for a fistful of Lexa’s shirt, letting her fingers tangle in the soft fabric.
“Everything has been a little too much lately, that thought just made me a little insane.”
That was the watered-down version of it, in reality, she had fucking lost it. And Raven was well
aware of that fact.
Lexa nodded in understanding, leaning down to press soft kisses against Raven’s forehead.
“Is it worth it?” Lexa asked then, Raven blinked quickly, looking up at the alpha with a frown.
“What is?” the omega asked, confused.
“The uncertainty of it all. Falling for a Commander is the worst thing to do if you want to keep
your heart safe. So… is it worth it?” Lexa asked, her expression calm and expectant.
“Yes,” Raven said immediately. Holding no doubt. “It is.”
“Good. Try to think about that next time you feel your mind start to spin. It helps to make it spin
just a little less,” Lexa whispered, leaning down to press a soft peck against Raven’s lips.
“Does it work for you?” Raven asked, her lips brushing against Lexa’s with every word she spoke.
“Sometimes.”
“What do you do when it doesn’t?”
“This,” Lexa whispered before taking Raven’s lips in another kiss. The omega chuckled lightly,
bumping her nose against Lexa’s in a playful manner. The alpha smiled; Raven felt goosebumps
spread down her spine.
“What if I’m not there for you to kiss me?”
“I remind myself that finding love is already rare enough, that I should enjoy it while I can. It
might be 60 years or 60 seconds, either way, it is a gift,” Lexa said with a smile, running her
fingers over the bandage wrapped around Raven’s head.
“Does that work?” Raven asked, unsure.
“Sometimes,” Lexa responded, reaching out to untangle Raven’s fingers from her shirt and
interlocking them with her own instead.
“And when it doesn’t?”
“Then I break a little inside. I think about everything that I could lose and it feels like having a
clawed hand grip my spine and rip it out of my body. It’s quite paralyzing. It doesn’t let me breathe
sometimes,” Lexa whispered. Raven frowned in concern. She squeezed Lexa’s hand in her own,
bringing it up to her lips.
“And what happens then?”
“Then I remember that I haven’t lost you yet and I tell myself that I should save those awful
feelings for when I actually lose you. Thinking that helps me calm myself. The thing that I fear
hasn’t happened, isn’t real, might never happen. I go over it in my head over and over again until I
can no longer feel my heart in my throat. Sometimes I reach out to you through the radio, you
usually don’t notice there’s anything wrong, I don’t let it show in my voice, or at least I do my best
so it doesn’t show in my voice. And you start telling me about all these things. Everything from
mechanics to astrophysics, everything from what you had for breakfast to the awful joke Octavia
told at lunch, everything from what you did that day with Sinclair to the schematics you were
designing for the new gate of the camp…” Lexa trailed off, seemingly content, a small smile
spreading across her lips.
“You often don’t say anything,” Raven whispered. That was just how their conversations went
sometimes.
“I told you I love the sound of your voice,” Lexa reminded her. Raven nodded.
“Helps you sleep,” Raven said, Lexa agreed.
“Calms me down.”
“Even if you have no idea of what I’m saying,” Raven said, arching her eyebrows a little, Lexa hid
her face against her neck.
“I value your work, Raven, I promise,” Lexa whispered, still hiding.
“I know, I know,” Raven said with a smile, caressing the back of Lexa’s head.
“Sometimes our minds just need to be reminded of what is real and what is not. I can’t promise it
will work, but if you reach out to me, I will be there and you will know that you haven’t lost
anything,” Lexa whispered, lifting her head to press a kiss on Raven’s cheek.
“Yet,” Raven responded. Lexa frowned in concern.
“Maybe we both should focus on now , it’s hard but maybe if we try, we can get it right,” Lexa
offered and Raven sighed with a nod.
“What will I do with myself when you leave?” Raven wondered out loud, she didn’t want to make
Lexa feel like she wasn’t listening, but she couldn’t bear the thought of being separated from the
alpha.
“I don’t know what you will be doing, but I will be loving you so hard from Polis that you won’t
even know I left. You will feel it all the way here,” Lexa said, placing a quick kiss against Raven’s
lips.
“Now, that’s the corniest thing you have ever said. You really can’t say things like that, Lexa, you
can’t,” Raven said with a smile. She brought the alpha down and hugged her against her chest as
best as she could while also being mindful of her injuries.
“It made you smile,” Lexa said simply, letting her lips tickle the column of the omega’s throat.
“Just stay right there, yeah?” Raven muttered, pulling the alpha as close to herself as she possibly
could.
“Of course, my love.”
Chapter End Notes
Writting has been a struggle lately, that's why updates have been taking longer. I
suppose I'm not fully back to it since my not hiatus break. I'm trying to write whatever
comes to my head first so, I'm really sorry for not updating Build me a Happy Ending
yet. I'm working on it.
I hope this chapter doesn't bore you to death and keep an eye out for my other Lexaven
story, that's the one I will be updating next.
Thanks to Cleo24 for dealing with me :)
I'll be waiting to see you guys in the comments.

Chapter 18
Chapter Notes
This is really cheesy. You have been warned.
Lexa was asleep and Raven could not stop looking at her. The curve of her jaw, the thin slope of
her nose, her plump lips, and the wounds that soon would become scars. One line of stitches rested
on her cheekbone, the other ran above her eyebrow, leaving Lexa’s right eye surrounded in
darkness. Pale scars would be left behind, and Raven could only look at them, knowing she would
spend the rest of her days pressing her lips against those lines, soothing the phantom pain left by
broken skin. She ached inside, the pain was raw and it was rooted in the base of her spine, right
behind her gut. It went up to the tip of her tongue, filled her mouth as it spread around her gums,
the pain pulsed with the rhythm of the words she refused to say. It seemed so pointless, maybe
Octavia was right, maybe Lexa didn’t need any kind of gesture, maybe the only thing she needed
was for Raven to say the words.
But Lexa knew already, didn’t she? She had to know.
“My love,” Lexa whispered. Raven choked with her own breath. “Your thoughts are loud, are you
well?” Lexa asked. A pair of dazzling green eyes opened; Lexa’s lips tugged into a small smile.
Her hands were coming alive and soon, soft fingers were tracing Raven’s cheeks. “What can I do
so you can rest? Are you cold?” She didn’t wait for an answer and grabbed the blankets that had
pooled around Raven’s waist, pulling them up and tucking them beneath her chin.
“I’m okay,” Raven tried to reassure her. “I just, I thought about something but I know it could
never happen.” Lexa frowned, reaching out to hold Raven’s hand in her own.
“Tell me, I’ll do what I can to help.”
Raven had to look away from Lexa’s eyes, she knew she would ask for something that the
Commander could not give her and that would break Lexa’s heart. She knew what the answer
would be but she still couldn't help herself, she needed to ask, she needed to hear Lexa’s response.
“Ray,” Lexa insisted, “tell me.”

“We should leave,” Raven blurted out, “we should pack a few bags and go away, just the two of us,
go to a place where we can’t be found, where we can be safe and happy together.”
Raven saw Lexa’s heart crack in the way the smile on her face disappeared, faded.
“I can find you a place where you will be safe and happy, where no harm will come to you. I can
do that, but I can’t go with you, Raven,” Lexa whispered, her voice quiet, barely steady enough not
to break. “You just have to let me know and I will make it happen.”
“No, I wanted to go there with you.” Raven shook her head softly. She already knew that would be
Lexa’s response, but she couldn’t help but feel a little heartbroken all the same. “I wanted a chance
for us, to have everything, a peaceful life, a house, kids… I want the future and I want it with you,
it is pointless to leave on my own,” Raven said with a shrug. “Please, don’t worry, I already knew
that was what you were going to say, I know you can’t leave your people. I wanted to ask anyway,
just to get it out of my chest.”
For a long time, Lexa didn’t say anything. She stared back at Raven, seemingly lost. Raven wished
she hadn’t said anything.
“Hey, I’m sorry, really… I know you can’t just leave; I know you care about your people and that
you wouldn’t abandon them and I admire that about you. I just-”
“You want to have kids with me?” Lexa asked, her voice laced with disbelief, her eyes locked on
Raven’s with the same far-away expression from before.
Raven felt a chill travel down her spine and burst inside her stomach in the form of small rockets.
A smile pulled at the corner of her mouth and she brought Lexa’s hand up to her lips.
“A whole army of them,” Raven whispered. Lexa gave her a small frown.
“When we met you told me you could never see yourself having children, you told me that you
would ruin them,” Lexa said. Raven could see the strange fog that covered her eyes, she could see
how hard Lexa was trying not to let Raven’s words settle within her.
“When we met you told me you dreamed of having a child or two with Costia, you told me that
those foolish dreams had died with her. When we met you told me you only allowed yourself to
have sex with me because you were certain that I would never feel for you what Costia felt…”
Raven trailed off. “It’s been so long since we had those conversations and you clearly got that last
part wrong.”
“Did I?” Lexa asked, eyes soft and just a little wide. Raven frowned slightly, Lexa had to know that
she was loved, she had to know, right?
Well, you haven’t told her, have you? The voice in her head sounded oddly like Costia. Raven
could almost picture her in her mind, looking back at her with an unimpressed expression on her
face, probably calling her an idiot, too. Lexa probably knew, she had to, but saying it out loud was
something different, Raven knew that well.
“Yes, you did, you got that last part so wrong,” Raven whispered, cupping Lexa’s cheek and
brushing her thumb over the soft skin. “I had something planned, our date, a movie that I want us
to watch together… There’s a song in it that captures well how stubborn I’ve been about accepting
my feelings for you and about doing something about them. I really wanted to make it special for
you… but I don’t want to give you another second to entertain the idea that I could never feel for
you what Costia felt-”
“Raven, please,” Lexa said, a frown of concern twisting her features as she moved closer to nuzzle
her nose against Raven’s. “We don’t need to talk now; all I want is for you to rest and heal-”
“No, let me finish. I- I want everything with you, Lexa, and I want it now. I’m scared shitless about
our time running out, that thought- it just won’t leave me alone. And I know we can’t leave, and
we can’t have a life together alone in the wilderness where all this mess can’t get to us. I know we
can’t do that and I get it, I understand your position and I have known you long enough to know
that this is not something you would give up. You feel responsible for your people and you care
about them and you want them to have good lives, and I adore that about you, I do, really. I just
hate that the drive to give them good lives will take you away from me someday. I hate that, I hate
it, I hate it so much…” She was rambling, and she was losing track of what she was saying. She
could see the look on Lexa’s face and she knew that the alpha was getting terribly worried. So, she
just needed to say it. She needed to do something before someone came through the door shooting
at them with a machine gun, before a meteor fell from the sky and sent their race into extinction,
before the levels of radiation shot up to the heavens and they all died from the simple act of
breathing. “But I also love it, I love it because that’s just who you are, and I can see how that drive
to make people's lives better bleeds into our relationship. I see it in how you are always making
sure I’m not cold, in how you send me clothes that adjust to the weather, how you always ask me if
there’s something I need that you can provide, and you stay up all night listening to me going on
and on about things you don’t understand. You are willing to try new things just because I want to
do them while knowing you are going to hate them, like jumping on puddles of mud and dancing,
and you hold me-” Raven’s voice cracked and she felt absolutely ridiculous, her eyes started to
water before she could stop them and her fingers tangled in Lexa’s shirt, pulling her as close to
herself as possible.
“Ray, you don’t-”
“No, no, stop, you need to let me finish because then… then I’ll never say it and I will die choking
on it. I swear to you, I will,” Raven said seriously, her hand curled into a fist at the neck of Lexa’s
sleeping shirt. “You hold me so fucking gently, you let me sleep half on top of you even if your
arm probably feels completely dead the morning after, you say the most perfect things, and you are
so unnervingly respectful. I love the way you talk, how you sound so formal sometimes and how
you often don’t understand what I mean but you go with it anyway; I love how you make these
little attempts at humor; you know you are not the best at it and you do it anyway because you
don’t care as long as it makes me smile. I love how you ask me things; you ask if I’m okay with
what you have planned for us to do, you ask if it’s okay for you to kiss me or to touch me
somewhere, you ask how my day went and you ask about the things I did. You ask how I’m doing
and you care about the answer.” Raven took a deep breath, smiling at the overwhelmed look on
Lexa's face, she didn’t seem to know what to do about what she was hearing. Raven had shown her
appreciation before, but never like that and it was a little hard for the alpha to take in all at once. “I
love the way you stand, and the way you walk, and how your presence fills up the entire room
every time you step in it. I just love the sight of it, your body, so fucking firm with your shoulders
squared and your chin tilted up and your hands clasped behind your back. You always move with
precision and elegance; every little move is deliberate and it's meant to say something. It makes it
hard to figure you out sometimes, but it’s okay, I love it anyway. You are confident without
coming across as an asshole, and I love that. I love your mouth and the tiny smiles you give me
and the way it curls around the words you speak. I love that you found ways to tell me you love me
a million different ways without ever saying the actual words. I love the way you kiss me, the way
you often end up smiling into it, the way you get sloppy when you are tired, and sometimes miss
and kiss my chin instead. I love your hands and how they never wander even if you know I would
be okay with them touching me anywhere, I love how they are firm and gentle at the same time,
and I love how soft they feel when you hold me even if I know the skin is a little rough from all
the hard work you do-”
“Raven-” Lexa tried to interrupt, her eyes glassy and her lashes wet.
“No, no, I’m not done,” Raven said, pressing her fingers gently against Lexa’s lips to make sure
she wouldn’t interrupt again. “I love your eyes; I love how they are always grey in the morning and
how they seem to change colors depending on the light. I love how I can often find rings of amber
around the pupil and flecks of blue in the green. More than anything, I love how they scream when
you say nothing. Sometimes they scream so loud that I feel like I need to look away. I don’t know
what to do with it, I don’t know how to take it. No one has ever looked at me like this and I don’t
know what to do. So, I get scared and I look away, but I’m trying to be braver, I promise, I am.
And all I hope is that you can see in my eyes the same as I can see in yours. All I want is for you to
feel at least a little bit of what I feel when you look at me. All I wish is that my eyes scream that I
love you as loudly as yours do, or louder. Because I do, Lexa, I love you and I don’t know how to
fit it all inside my body. So, I hope it spills right out of me, through my eyes when I look at you,
through my hands when I hold you, through my lips when I kiss you-”
“Ray, please-” Lexa tried to interrupt again, her tears slipping over the slope of her nose and falling
on the pillow that rested under her head.
“No, I love you, you already said it. It’s my turn now, you don’t get to ruin it with your pretty
words. This is my moment. I love you, ok? I love you so much, and now that I said it, I don’t know
how to say anything else. I love you, Lexa, and there’s no human on earth, living or dead, that I
love and cherish and care for more than you. You are it for me, okay? And if I lose you then
fine…” Raven almost choked on the last words, a sob building in her throat faster than she could
control. “Okay, okay, not fine. If I lose you I-” She choked again, she clutched her eyes shut,
unable to bear the sight of Lexa’s face. But closing them was worse because her mind conjured all
the times she had almost lost Lexa. She found herself sitting on a stretcher, watching the blade of
the sword disappear on Lexa’s front and reappear on her back; she found herself on the back of the
rover hearing Lexa’s groans of pain fade into silence, feeling her burning skin press against her
own; out of nowhere, she was back in Lexa’s arms, watching her face get paler, her lips bluer,
feeling her stumble with every step she took, heaving for every breath that met her lungs; suddenly
she was right there in the medbay, watching her collapse.
“Raven…” Lexa’s voice broke and Raven opened her eyes to see her face twisted in a mix of
concern and pain. “Please, stop,” Lexa begged. “You are hurting, please, just stop.”
“No, it’s worth it. Hurting, it’s worth it because ‘one runs the risk of weeping a little if one lets
himself be tamed’, remember?” Raven asked, moving her hand up to frame Lexa’s jaw in the palm
of her hand. The alpha nodded, her eyes filling with understanding. “You have tamed me, Lexa,
and I can’t think of anything more wonderful than that.” Raven saw it then, the smile that pulled at
the corner of Lexa’s lips, so gentle in how it seemed to ignite her eyes, leaving Lexa staring back at
Raven with that look that the omega could barely hold. “You are supposed to say something now.”
“Am I? I thought this was your moment?” Lexa said with a watery smile and an arched eyebrow.
Raven could only laugh, her hand moving to curl around the back of the alpha’s neck and pulling
her closer into the softest kiss. Lexa leaned her whole body into it, she was always mindful of
Raven’s injuries, but she was also sure to make the omega feel all her love and appreciation
through that kiss. “I love you too, Raven, and you tamed me a long time ago.”
“I know, I’m sorry it took me so long to catch up,” Raven whispered, her smile falling a little. Lexa
shook her head, pressing another kiss to the omega’s lips.
“That’s not something that should cause you grief, we are here, together, in love.” Lexa leaned
down, let her forehead rest against Raven’s, breathed in deeply. “Loving you already made me
happy, but knowing that you feel the same for me…” Her breath came out shaky against Raven’s
lips, she closed her eyes, overcome by feelings she didn’t know how to explain. “I don’t have the
right words, Raven, an ‘I love you’ doesn’t feel like enough. I don’t think there’s anything I can do
or say that will be enough to show you exactly what I feel for you and what you mean to me. But I
promise that I will try to find a way every single day.”
“There you go… stealing my moment,” Raven said with a smile, tilting her head up just enough to
brush the tip of her nose against Lexa’s. “I went on and on and on and you managed to beat me
with just a couple of words, it’s not fair.”
Lexa let out a soft laugh. Raven felt her heart flutter uncontrollably in her chest. After a moment
they both calmed down, Lexa laid down on her side, her eyes locked on Raven’s face.
“Can I ask when exactly did you realize that you were in love with me?” Raven asked, feeling
more than a little bit curious. She knew it had been more than a year ago, but she wanted to know
if Lexa had a specific moment where everything simply clicked.
“It was right here, in Arkadia, in the room next door. That was the room where I was recovering
from the surgery…” Lexa smiled and Raven saw her eyes get a little lost, she was transported by
the memories. “It was nighttime and you came in, you were holding a small machine in your hands.
You pushed a button and suddenly my room was flooded with stars, the moment I saw them
reflecting in your eyes… I just knew.” Her eyes met Raven’s and the omega couldn’t help but feel
a little breathless. That moment was so far into their past, it was hard to believe that Lexa had been
loving her for so long, that she had known it, and that she had kept quiet about it.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Raven asked, her heart fluttering rapidly in her chest as she traced
the defined contour of Lexa’s cheek with her thumb.
“If I could choose someone for you to love and to spend your life with… I wouldn’t choose
myself,” Lexa said sincerely, her eyelashes wet. She offered Raven a sad smile, one that didn’t
reach her eyes, and that looked more like a grimace than anything else. “I would choose someone
that could decide to leave with you, go away from all the danger, and hide with you somewhere
safe. I would choose someone that can put you first and that doesn’t need to ride two days to see
you. I would choose someone who could love you without putting a death sentence over your head.
I wouldn’t choose me, Raven, because I’m certain you can do better. You deserve better.”
“Lexa, I know your position comes with limitations. All the things you mentioned are things that
you can’t do, not because you don’t want to, but because your position doesn’t allow you to do
them. I know that, I do. And I know the only way for you to be able to do those things is to stop
being the Commander, and you can’t do that, you can’t decide not to be the Commander just like
you didn’t choose to be the Commander in the first place and I understand that. Would I love for us
to fuck off into the wilderness and have a lot of sex and lots of pups, yes, I would love that. But I
know you can’t do that and that means something to me,” Raven tried to explain, she lowered her
hand from the alpha’s cheek to her shoulder, giving it a comforting squeeze. “You have fought for
me, against everyone. You have had to deal with your advisors disapproving of us, you have had to
deal with Titus’ shit, you had to physically fight a duel to the death for me… You aren’t free to
love me the way you would want to and I see you fight and struggle with that all the time. You put
yourself through all of that when we both know it isn’t easy. It would be easier to sleep around, no
strings attached, as your advisors want, or to keep yourself isolated to protect your heart, but you
decided to let me be a part of your life anyway. You decided to love me, you decided to take all the
shit that has come with it and you have never wavered on being there for me. I value that, Lexa,
and no one else has ever loved me the way you have-”
“Raven-” Lexa tried to interrupt, shaking her head softly to stop the omega from continuing.
“No. Look, you feel undeserving, I understand how that is, you know I do, but believe me when I
tell you that I would be an idiot to let you go. You make me happy, Lex,” Raven said earnestly,
cupping the back of the alpha’s neck and letting her fingers press gently against the scar that rested
there, tracing it gently with her fingertips.
“Yes?” Lexa asked softly, her voice hesitant and doubtful. Raven knew that what she had said was
something that Lexa wouldn’t easily believe.
“Yes, that’s one of the many reasons why I love you,” Raven whispered, tugging Lexa closer until
the Commander’s lips were resting gently on hers.
“You need to stop saying that,” Lexa said, placing one last peck against Raven’s lips. The omega
pulled back with a frown.
“What? why?” She asked, cupping Lexa’s cheek with her hand and trying to meet her eyes. “Do
you not believe me? I understand if you don’t. I have gone against my word before, I would
understand if you didn’t believe me, I-”
“No, it’s not that. Every time you say it my heart races, I’m afraid Doctor Griffin won’t be happy
with that,” Lexa explained, and Raven’s lips parted to form the shape of a perfect o. She moved her
hand down and placed her palm flat over Lexa’s sun tattoo. The Commander was right, her heart
was pumping rapidly right under Raven’s hand.
“You okay?”
“I’m perfect,” Lexa said with a smile, lightly kissing the side of the omega’s face, her lips touching
her temple and moving lower and lower until she reached Raven’s chin.
“Yes, you are,” Raven said with a smile, watching Lexa pull back with slightly wide eyes.
“That’s not what I-”
“I know, shhh, I know. Come give me a kiss,” Raven pulled her closer once more, she sighed
contently against Lexa’s lips and tightened her hand around the fabric of her shirt, wanting the
Commander to stay as close as possible. “What if we do a stripped-down version of the date I had
already planned? We can watch the movie here so I don’t have to move so much, I can ask O to
help me set everything up here-”
“Raven, you are recovering, there is no need for you to be stressing about this.”
“You are recovering and you are walking around all over the place doing stuff you shouldn’t. Abby
no longer looks at you, she just glares now, because you are pushing it.” Raven poked at Lexa’s
chest, making the Commander recoil with a quiet hiss.
“I have spoken to her, I promised that I would tell her if I felt any discomfort,” Lexa said. Raven’s
eyebrows almost touched her hairline.
“Is that so?” Raven asked.
“Yes, you can ask Lana if you want, she was there. Though, I would not lie to you.”
“This is unexpected. So, if you are in pain you are actually going to say something? You will
vocalize your discomfort so it is out in the open and so you can get help, you will use words to
express how you are feeling, you will-”
“Raven, I did not tell you this so you could mock me,” the Commander said with a frown. Raven
could only grin back at her, reaching up to press at the crease between the alpha’s brows until it
was gone.
“I know, I’m just happy, I don’t want a repeat of what happened last time you were sick and kept
quiet about it,” Raven whispered, trying to keep her mind from wandering into dangerous territory.
“I’m sorry. I promise it will not happen again. If any other organs rupture inside my body you and
Abby will be the firsts to know.”
“Thank you, I appreciate that,” Raven said with a smile. “I can confidently say that I love you more
now.”
“Stop saying that,” Lexa said, smiling as she leaned down to kiss Raven on the lips.
“I can’t, you are too pretty,” Raven mumbled against Lexa’s lips, “How did I get so lucky?”
“I ask myself the same thing every day,” Lexa responded. “I didn’t think I could love someone like
this again, but every time I see your face, I’m reminded of how wrong I was.”
“You thought she was it, didn’t you?” Raven asked even if the answer seemed obvious.
“Yes. This, what I feel for you, it still takes me by surprise sometimes. I wake up and wonder if
this is real. I wonder if I’m still asleep and dreaming. Then, I look at you, I listen to you and I
realize that there’s no way my mind could come up with someone like you. That’s just
impossible,” Lexa whispered. Raven smiled and shook her head, not at all surprised to have Lexa
saying things like those. “I have been telling her about you every step of the way. I hope she
doesn’t feel betrayed, I think she would be happy for me, but I sometimes worry that I’m hurting
her.”
“You aren’t, she knows you love her,” Raven said with absolute certainty, her conversation with
Costia flashing behind her eyes like a movie she couldn’t quite remember. The memories seemed
blurry and fragmented, and for the first time, Raven wondered if that conversation had really
happened.
“I hope so,” Lexa muttered, pressing a soft kiss against Raven’s brow.
“No, Lex, really. I know she knows,” Raven said and Lexa frowned, confused.
“Can you help me sit up a little? I’m tired of lying down,” Raven motioned to her position on the
bed and Lexa quickly nodded, standing up to help the omega into a sitting position, propping her
up with numerous pillows and making sure the wound on her side wouldn’t be too bothersome.
The lights in Raven’s room were always dimmed, making sure it wouldn’t aggravate her
headaches, but Lexa decided to make them just a little brighter just so they wouldn’t be consumed
in semi-darkness again. “Look, I’m going to tell you something and I don’t really know how to tell
you. I mean, I don’t know if it was real, okay?”
“Okay,” Lexa said, reaching to hold Raven’s hand as she sat on the bed by the omega’s side.
“Don’t worry, you can tell me anything,” Lexa reassured, her eyes on Raven’s as she brought the
omega’s hand up to her lips.
“I think I met her, Lex… Costia… I think I met her,” Raven said hesitantly, watching as Lexa’s
face went from soft and concerned to blank in half a second. Her hold around Raven’s hand went
limp and for a moment the omega was concerned about Lexa pulling away completely.
“How?” Lexa asked, she sounded detached and far away as if someone had suddenly unplugged
the cord that kept her connected to her emotions.
“When we were attacked… you told me we fell into the river and I-”
“Drowned,” Lexa finished. Raven nodded, watching the alpha’s jaw work from side to side. She
was stepping into dangerous territory; she knew that memory was the last thing that Lexa wanted
to remember.
“Yes. I don’t know what happened but I have these memories of being back in space. This girl was
there… she had brown eyes, lighter than mine, like honey maybe; and she had really long brown
hair, only lightly braided. She looked strong, her arms seemed toned and defined under the armor
she was wearing. She had a pretty smile too… plump lips, so very pink…” With every word Lexa’s
gaze seemed to get more lost until Raven felt that the Commander wasn’t looking at her and that
she was looking through her instead. “She said that she didn’t think you would be the one to lose
her.”
Lexa stood abruptly from the bed, giving her back to Raven.
“Lexa, we don’t have to talk about this,” Raven said regretfully, biting the inside of her cheek until
she could taste blood. “I don’t mean to offend you, I just… I have these memories and I don’t
know if they are real or not, I don’t know if it was a hallucination or something. I just thought you
deserved to know.”
Lexa turned around slowly; her body was coiled tight, ready to snap.
“What else did she say?” the Commander asked, her eyes completely void of emotion.
“She said you were sweet, that you loved making her smile. She said that you didn’t know how to
speak very well so you would trade your armor and weapons to get things for her, pretty rings and
necklaces, pastries, and fresh fruit. She said that’s how you showed her you loved her because you
couldn’t express it with words.” Raven stopped for a second, trying to evaluate Lexa’s expression,
but she couldn’t see anything. Lexa’s lips were pressed in a thin line, her eyes seemingly trying to
burn a hole through Raven’s. “She said that you liked to take her to places that you loved and that
you would often be found making figures out of wood and flower crowns. You would get in
trouble but that wouldn’t stop you.”
Raven only received silence. Lexa’s arms stayed tightly crossed behind her back, her chin clenched
so hard that Raven thought her teeth would turn to dust.
“She said that after you realized you had feelings for me, she was the first person you admitted it
to,” Raven said then. A second passed, then another, Lexa blinked and the mask she had slipped
over her face cracked into a million pieces.
“She is listening?” Lexa asked, her voice clouded with disbelief.
“I was trying to tell her that you always miss her and she said she already knew, that you talked to
her every day and that she always listened,” Raven whispered gently. She felt deeply worried, not
knowing what to do about the way Lexa was reacting. There were so many emotions moving in
quick succession all over the alpha’s face and Raven didn’t know how to make it better.
“She is listening,” Lexa said once more, this time as a statement. She turned her head to stare at a
wall in complete disbelief. “Did you tell her that I miss her?” Lexa said then, reaching out to hold
Raven’s hand desperately. “Did you tell her that I think about her every day, that I haven’t
forgotten her?”
The anguish in Lexa’s face was breaking something inside of Raven. The alpha was looking back
at her, eyes wide, hopeful and so impossibly tormented at the same time.
“I didn’t have to, Lex, she knows because you have shown her. Every journal entry that you wrote
for her, every thought that you directed at her. She was listening. She is listening,” Raven stressed,
squeezing Lexa’s hand in her own, trying to show her support. She knew Costia wasn’t any girl,
she was the person Lexa had poured her hopes and dreams into, the girl Lexa had wanted to spend
her life with. She knew Costia was Lexa’s only family, and she knew that some part of Lexa would
always hurt for her.
“Is she okay? Did she look okay?” Lexa asked then, her hand shaking lightly in Raven’s hold.
“She told me she’s been better lately, she had been worried because she hadn’t seen you happy
since she…” Raven trailed off, knowing that Lexa could fill in the blank. “But lately you have
been happier and that makes her happy.”
“She doesn’t feel betrayed because I fell in love with you?” Lexa asked carefully. Raven could see
how her shoulders caved in slightly, how she was bracing herself for whatever answer she would
receive.
Raven couldn’t stop the flip in her stomach that came as soon as she heard Lexa saying she loved
her.
“No, she knows you aren’t replacing her and she’s happy you are happy. She was mad at me for
making you wait so long, called me an idiot and everything,” Raven said with a small smile as she
watched Lexa let out a watery chuckle.
“Yes, she does that.” Lexa’s eyes seemed glazed, her eyes were on Raven but she wasn’t really
looking at her, her mind was elsewhere and Raven could almost see it struggling to process
everything. “I was never alone, she was there,” the alpha said then, her voice fighting not to break.
Raven’s heart squeezed in her chest, her throat felt tight and she did what she could so no tears
would escape.
“Yes, she was. She still is.”
Lexa let out a shuddering breath, her shoulders shaking.
“Did you tell her I’m sorry?” Lexa asked then, “For killing her.” Raven winced.
“She doesn’t see it that way, she doesn’t blame you. She told me she made the decision to stay by
your side and that she doesn’t regret it. She would do it all again.”
“Really?” Lexa’s voice cracked and her face twisted into a grimace, twin tears fell from her eyes
and hung from the tip of her chin.
“Yes. She asked me to deliver a message,” Raven said, doing her best to remember. “She said: Tell
her that I’m always with her, that I’m always listening, that she could never lose me, that I regret
nothing and that we will meet again.”
Lexa lowered her head, unable to keep hold of Raven’s gaze. Still, the omega could see her tears as
they dripped from her eyes and fell over the medbay’s blankets.
“I will see her again,” Lexa finally whispered, eyes bloodshot and lips trembling. Raven could see
how she was barely holding on, how she wouldn’t let herself fully break down, how she kept
trying to contain her feelings.
“You will,” Raven reassured, “you will see her again.” Lexa clutched her eyes shut, Raven saw her
try to get a proper breath in, but that didn’t seem to be possible. “She asked me to give you
something.”
“What?” Lexa asked, confused.
“Come closer,” Raven said, tugging at Lexa’s hand until the Commander’s face was inches away
from her own.
“Raven, no, you don’t have to do this,” Lexa said, trying to pull away. By that point, the omega
already had a hand on the back of her neck, keeping her from moving.
“You didn’t know the last kiss you gave her was going to be the last. It was taken away from you,
and I know I’m not her, I know it’s not going to be the same, but I hope the sentiment will be
there,” Raven whispered.
“I would never want to disrespect you, Raven,” Lexa said firmly, trying to pull back once more.
“You aren’t. This is something that I want to give you, if you will let me,” Raven explained,
brushing her thumb gently over Lexa’s wet cheek.
“Will this hurt you in any way?” Lexa asked, needing to make sure.
“She asked me to do this and she helped me come to terms with my feelings. She helped me, Lex. I
want to do this for her and it doesn’t hurt me in any way, I promise.” Raven brushed her thumb
over Lexa’s plump lips, feeling the alpha lean against her touch. “Just close your eyes.” Lexa did as
told, but Raven could still see the hesitance and doubt all over her body. Her shoulders tense and
high, almost touching her ears. “Relax, it’s okay,” Raven whispered as she leaned in, pressing her
lips softly against Lexa’s.
Lexa was shaking against her; Raven could feel it almost as clearly as she could taste the salt on
the alpha’s lips. Raven kept the kiss soft, gentle, merely a soft press of one mouth against another.
She wasn’t sure about how to describe it, but it felt like goodbye.
The kiss was broken by a sob that ripped its way out of Lexa’s mouth. Raven did her best to hold
her without putting her body in an uncomfortable position, but eventually (and very quickly) she
got tired of holding her body up and off of the mattress, so she pulled Lexa down with her and
allowed the Commander’s head to rest on her shoulder, keeping her close and pressing soft kisses
over the top of her head.
“Can you tell me all of it again, please?” Lexa asked quietly. Raven nodded slowly and pressed
soft kisses over the top of the alpha’s head.
“Of course,” Raven whispered, taking a deep breath before retelling her encounter with Costia all
over again.
After a while of saying it all a couple of times, Raven started to wonder if she had broken the
Commander. Lexa was very quiet, completely still, and holding Raven as closely as she could. The
omega had started to worry, but she decided not to ask Lexa if she was okay, she just kept doing
what the alpha had asked her to do and told her word for word what she could remember from
meeting Costia. Eventually, the Commander’s breathing deepened and slowed, she had fallen
asleep. Raven could only hope things would be better in the morning.
………………………..
“Forgive me, please.” Those were the first words Raven heard upon waking up. She tried to blink
quickly, hoping to get the sleep away from her eyes and turning her head to the side to look at
Lexa.
“What for, baby?” The term of endearment rolled off her tongue without her truly realizing it, but
leaving a satisfying burn in her mouth all the same.
“For how I behaved yesterday, for how I treated you. I got caught up in what I lost and I treated you
poorly, I’m sorry. I understand if you wish for me to give you some space,” Lexa said. She had
already gotten out of bed and was sitting stiffly on the chair she typically slept on.
Raven frowned in confusion. “I’m not mad at you.”
“You should be.”
“Well, I’m not. Come tell me good morning properly, give me a kiss,” Raven said, closing her
eyes.
“Raven,” Lexa said, sounding frustrated.
“Lexa,” Raven shot back with a smile. “I’m not mad. I can’t even imagine how overwhelming it
was to hear all of that. It’s okay if you are having a hard time processing it, it’s okay if you don’t
quite know how to feel about it. I know how you feel about me, and I don’t need anything else.”
Lexa took Raven’s hand on her own, lowering her forehead against the back of it and closing her
eyes.
“You are too good to me, thank you so much. I know I don’t deserve your kindness and
understanding,” Lexa whispered, keeping her head down.
“And that’s where you are wrong.” Raven smiled and hooked her fingers under Lexa’s chin, tilting
her head up. “You do deserve my kindness and my understanding; you deserve the love that I give
you. And more than anything, you deserve a good morning kiss. Come here,” Raven insisted.
Lexa’s cheeks tinted red, she leaned in to nuzzle her nose against Raven’s before allowing their lips
to meet for a gentle kiss. “Good morning, baby,” Raven whispered happily, letting out a soft hum
against Lexa’s mouth.
“That’s the second time you have called me that, I am not a child,” the Commander grumbled,
Raven, let out a chuckle and bumped her nose against the alpha’s.
“It’s a term of endearment, like when you call me my love.”
“My love is a perfectly suitable term of endearment for an adult such as yourself, baby is for
children. If you call me baby, what are you going to call our children?” Lexa asked then and
Raven’s smile only got wider.
“Our children, huh? How many?”
“I’ll give you as many as you want,” Lexa responded, “I only ask for more than one.” The
Commander kissed Raven’s lips before the omega could respond, making her lose her train of
thought for just a moment.
“Why are you against having just one?” Raven asked, curious.
“I fear they might feel lonely. They will have us, of course, but that is not quite the same as having
someone their own age to play with. I didn’t have a mother or father, but for a moment I had my
Nightblood brothers and sisters, I had Anya… I lost them, but I still feel like it is meaningful to
have a sibling,” Lexa said. Raven nodded slowly, brushing her thumb over the alpha’s cheek.
“Okay, we can have two and then see how we feel about another. Just imagine our genes
combined, the two can completely tire us out. Maybe we will have our hands full with them and
won’t have the energy for another,” Raven said, feeling her belly warm at the sound of Lexa’s
laugh.
“You are right. You and our children will blow up my tower, won’t you?” Lexa said. Raven bit her
lip cheekily.
“I won’t lie, there is a very high possibility of that happening. That is if our children don’t run off
into the forest and decide to live on a tree.”
“They will be excellent climbers, yes. I should plan for a treehouse, what do you think?”
“I think they will have a lot of fun, just make sure it is close to home,” Raven requested, reaching
out for Lexa’s hand and holding it in her own.
“I will study carefully every tree surrounding Arkadia and will choose the best one, I promise.”
“Arkadia?” Raven asked with a frown. “Arkadia is not home, Lex.”
“I don’t understand, you have always lived here. Your friends are here, Abby…” Lexa said,
confused.
“Home is wherever you are,” Raven said immediately, pulling Lexa’s hand and holding it tight
against her chest. “I want to be wherever you will be, I want our children to grow up around you.”
“I would never force you to live in Polis, Ray,” Lexa said softly. “I can travel here as often as I can
to see you and our pups. You don’t have to uproot your life or change anything or be
uncomfortable. I will find a way to make it work, to be here as often as possible.”
“Lex…” Raven whispered, feeling incredibly touched. She pulled the alpha closer and tugged her
down, feeling Lexa’s forehead press against her own. “I won’t let you kill yourself traveling all
over the place like that-”
“It would be fine, I can-”
“No,” Raven said firmly, leaving no room for argument. “I want to be with you. I want to lie down
next to you every night and kiss you good morning every single day. I want to be there to hold you
after a long and tiring meeting with your advisors, and I want our pups to be able to run into our
room and crawl into our bed when they have a bad dream. The distance already sucks, that will
only get worse when we have pups. I’m not putting myself through that. I’m going to Polis.”
“I would never ask-”
“You are not asking, I’m telling you I’m doing it so you better find some room for me,” Raven
said with a grin.
“Really?” Lexa asked quietly.

“Of course, Lex. Did you really think I would let you miss seeing our pups growing up?”
Lexa shook her head, sheepish.
“You already give me so much; I would never dare to ask for more.”
“Lex, if almost dying taught me anything is that what we have can be taken away in an instant. The
possibility of losing each other is very real and I already made us waste so much time with my
doubts and my insecurities, and they might never fully leave so I have to suck it up and face them. I
have to do something, and I’m not losing one more second with you. The moment I’m able I’m
going to Polis and I’m shooting anyone that looks at you the wrong way, just to be safe.” Lexa’s
lips pressed hard against her own, pulling a low moan from deep within Raven’s chest. She could
only wrap her good hand around the Commander’s neck and try and reciprocate the furious kiss to
the best of her ability. Lexa was kissing Raven like she wanted to imprint herself on the omega’s
lips. The alpha prompted the other girl to open her mouth a little wider and deepen the contact,
stealing the oxygen from her lungs.
“Thank you. I love you. Thank you,” Lexa said between kisses. “Thank you. I can’t explain how
happy you are making me.”
“If it’s half as happy as you make me, then I’m sure I can understand,” Raven responded, grinning
with swollen lips. “I love you, too. We will have our date before you leave for Polis, I’ll be
stronger in a few days, I promise. I will start getting out of bed more and moving around in the
wheelchair and I’ll be stronger and I will take you on that date. And you will go to Polis and once
I’m better I’ll meet you there and we will make the most of our time together, okay? I promise,
Lex, and I mean it. I know I have gone back on my word before, but I’ll show you. I’ll show you I
mean it.”
“Hey, shh,” Lexa said gently, running her fingers gently over Raven’s brow. “Don’t worry about
anything other than healing. We can wait to have that date until you are better. You don’t need to
concern yourself with any of that right now.”
“Please, just give me a few days until I’m stronger, until I’m moving around on the chair. I don’t
want to wait until I’m back on my feet, Lex. Please. I’m not going to be back on my feet before you
have to leave,” Raven insisted, hearing Lexa let out a loud sigh.
“If I see you hurting or uncomfortable in any way while we are on the date…”
“You have my permission to take me back to bed and hover and do whatever you want,” Raven
responded, trying to meet Lexa halfway.
“Good,” Lexa said, pressing a kiss on Raven’s cheek. “I don’t need any kind of big gesture, I’m
happy to just sit here and talk to you. You do know that, yes?”
“I do, but I just want us to do something different before you leave. I want us to have a nice time.”
“I always have a nice time with-”
“With me, I know,” Raven cut in before the Commander could finish. “Still, just let me do this.”
“Only once you are stronger, yes?”
“Promise.”
…………………..
“Lana, can you push me please?” Raven asked as she finally managed to settle down on the
wheelchair. The process of getting her on the chair had been incredibly uncomfortable, the
movement had immediately made her want to puke and she felt achy and sore all over. She had a
ball of cotton drenched in alcohol placed close to her nose, it was supposed to help her nausea go
away. There was also the fact that with her injured wrist she couldn’t go anywhere by herself and
required someone else pushing her.
“I’m perfectly capable of pushing you,” Lexa said from her place on Raven’s side.
“With one hand, really?” Raven asked, arching her eyebrow. Lexa stared back at her with
confusion putting up both her hands as if Raven wasn’t making any sense. “Seriously, Lex? Your
cane? Do you remember it? The wooden stick you are supposed to be using to help you walk?”
“Now you know what I’ve been dealing with,” Abby murmured under her breath, folding a blanket
and placing it gently over Raven’s lap. Everyone in the room heard the comment but no one
directly responded to it.
“I am better, I can walk without the cane,” Lexa said. Abby looked up, glaring.
“Says who?” The Doctor crossed her arms across her chest. “You wouldn’t be putting any weight
on that leg if it was up to me.”
“Lex,” Raven interrupted before Lexa could continue aggravating Abby. “You have two hands,
one hand to hold the cane and the other to hold me. Holding hands? Have you heard of it? It’s
something people who are romantically involved do.”
“You mean as we walk from one place to another?” Lexa asked, frowning in confusion. “Is this a
Skaikru custom? It seems highly impractical.”
Raven glanced at Abby, not knowing how to respond.
“It is,” Abby said, knowing that the Commander would accept it quicker if she believed it was one
of their customs. “It is how we show affection, appreciation, intimacy, psychological closeness,
you name it.”
“Oh,” Lexa whispered. She looked at Raven and reached out for her hand. “I will hold your hand
as we walk everywhere.” Raven felt the Commander gently squeeze her palm and smiled. “I worry
about protecting you while holding your hand though. I have two hands and two swords. If one of
my hands is holding the cane and the other is holding yours, it might prevent me to be as fast as I
would like to be when the need to protect you arises.”
“You can whack people in the head with your cane,” Raven offered, shrugging her shoulders.
“Hmm.” Lexa looked thoughtfully at her cane, a second or two passed before she nodded. “Yes, I
suppose that could work. Though it is not as good as a sword.”
“It might not be, but we are in Arkadia anyway, we can agree this is a safe place, yes?” Raven
asked, Lexa didn’t immediately agree.
“I will refrain from answering out of respect for Abby,” the Commander responded, giving the
Doctor a short nod. Abby didn’t even bother with a proper response to that comment.
“Just get out of my medbay,” the Doctor said. Lana instantly moved to stand behind the chair,
pushing it out of the medbay as the Commander fell into step beside Raven, her hand firmly
clasped with the omega’s good one.
The Skaikru people that they came across blatantly stared at them, while the warriors that were
posted around simply bowed to them, having already known about Raven being the Commander’s
Chosen. Most people had heard about that after Lexa had almost killed the Sangeda Ambassador.
“This is nice, right?” Raven asked as she brushed her thumb lightly against the alpha’s.
“Of course, your hands are wonderful,” the Commander responded seriously, “holding your hand
everywhere we go will certainly be something to enjoy.” She punctuated her words with a swift
kiss to the back of Raven’s hand. The omega felt her cheeks heat up, of course Lexa would go and
say something impossibly endearing like that.
“I can say the same,” Raven whispered, “you know I love your hands on my body.” Raven bit her
lip, knowing what Lexa would say before she even said it.
“Raven, stop.”
“I can’t be blamed for the places your mind wanders off to,” Raven said, a smug grin plastered on
her face.
“You are the only reason my mind even wanders, you can certainly be blamed,” Lexa responded,
her tone implying that it was ridiculous to think anything different. “I’m glad you feel well enough
to make inappropriate comments.” Raven could only smile.
They settled outside and away from most people, wanting some privacy. They had chosen a good
time to go outside too, it was close to sundown so the light was actually nice and wouldn’t bother
Raven’s eyes much. A warrior settled a chair behind the Commander, allowing her to sit down
next to the omega.
“I have a thought,” Lexa said after a moment of quiet. She was taking very seriously the hand
holding thing, Raven noticed, for the Commander was still holding gently onto her palm. She also
sounded hesitant. Raven turned to look at her with a worried frown, squeezing the alpha’s fingers
with her own.
“What is it?”
“We have spoken about having children…” the Commander trailed off, seeming stuck.
“We settled on two, yes, and we would wait and see if we could handle another,” Raven supplied,
trying to help.
“Yes. How opposed would you be to adopting a child?” Lexa asked, her eyes widening a little
when she considered how Raven could take that the wrong way. “I know you are perfectly capable
of carrying them and I am not putting that into question. You will carry our children wonderfully, I
just-”
“Hey, relax,” Raven said, offering the alpha a small smile. “I know you are not questioning my
ability to carry children. I just didn’t know adopting was something you wanted.”
“We have many orphans, Raven, and their caretakers do their best… I just don’t think it is the
same as having parents. I can’t be sure because I never had parents, but… I don’t know.” Lexa
shook her head, looking away.
“I am not opposed to it, Lex,” Raven whispered. “I didn’t have the best parents, but we are not so
bad, maybe we can give this child a family, right?”
“Yes. They are all wonderful, Ray. They will be happy to meet you. I don’t know how we will
choose.”
“Hold your horses, okay? We will cross that bridge when we get there.” Raven looked at the alpha,
her eyes soft with the promise of their future. “Come give me a kiss.”
Lexa smiled as she leaned forward, fitting her mouth gently over Raven’s own and leaving soft
kisses behind.
“I imagine it’ll be a couple of years before we have to worry about any pups. It’s good, it’ll give
me a chance to make the world a safer place before they come,” Lexa whispered against Raven’s
lips, pulling back after placing one last kiss on the omega’s cheek.
“Why a couple of years?” Raven asked with a frown of confusion.
“Your implant, it prevents pregnancy for a couple of years and you got the one you have now just
after the last one malfunctioned when we were in Polis.”
“It can be taken out early.”
“It can?” Lexa asked as she pulled back to look at Raven properly.
“Yeah, I just have to say the word and Abby will take it out.”
“And you would be open to doing that? To us having pups soon?” Lexa asked, disbelief coloring
her words.
“Well, I wasn’t planning on waiting years for it to happen,” Raven asked, expecting Lexa to be
happy with her response. She got a frown instead. “Why are you making that face?”
“I worry you are making a lot of important decisions out of fear. And I’m not sure that’s the right
emotion to use as a base for the choices you are making.”
“Of course I am afraid! We almost got killed! That doesn’t mean I am not sure about the choices I
am making!” She was being louder than she probably should have been, but she was getting angry
quickly and she was beyond the point of holding back, she was far beyond the point of waiting for
the right time .
“Ray, I am going to say something and I need you to believe me when I tell you I am not saying
this to hurt you. I’m saying it because it is a fact and because I am worried, okay?” Lexa said
quietly, her shoulders falling forward a little and her hand coming up to try and placate a reaction
from Raven that hadn’t even come yet.
“Okay, go,” Raven said, doing her best to try and force herself to relax. She could see Lexa was
getting upset and she hadn’t even said anything yet.
“A couple of weeks ago you left me. You intended to make that permanent and not come back
ever. Now you are willing to be with me, you are telling me you love me and you are saying you
want to have pups with me soon. I don’t think you are lying to me; I think you are telling me the
truth. And still, I worry that when all the fear and the anguish that came from the attack fades you
will regret the things you have been saying,” Lexa explained, while she struggled to maintain
Raven’s gaze. The omega could see that saying those things was hurting Lexa as much as it was
hurting her to hear them, so she took Lexa’s hand in her own and brought it up to her chest.
“I knew that I loved you before the attack,” Raven started, Lexa’s eyes widened. “My feelings for
you didn’t just come to me because you kept me from dying on that riverside. They started with
the letters and deepened through our radio conversations, and fucking threatened to drive me
insane whenever we saw each other in person. I wouldn’t have felt like I needed to leave you if I
hadn’t been in love with you back then. Your life mattered more to me than anything else, it still
does, but it seems like I can’t seem to keep you safe by leaving, and I can’t keep you safe by
staying. I feel helpless and that freaks me out, but I have accepted that I might die from stress
because you are worth it. And I have accepted to live with this fear for the rest of my life because
I… I left my heart with you the day I left and I walked around with that hole in my chest until you
came here and gave it back to me-”
“Ray-” Lexa tried to say, her voice on the edge of breaking.
“No, let me finish,” Raven said, tightening her hold around Lexa’s hand. “My doubts and my
insecurities, they are about me. They live under my skin and they mess with my head sometimes,
so I fuck up. And I know I fucked up when I left, and I know I fucked up by not coming to terms
with my feelings sooner. And I know forcing our relationship under the ‘friends with benefits’
concept was really confusing to you, and I am sorry. I’m sorry about all of it. I have never been this
in love with anyone before, I have never been in a relationship that feels so fucking good in the
past; I have never met anyone that loves me and gets me and cares about me the way you do. No
one makes me smile the way you do. I have never done this before, so I don’t know what I am
doing, but I'm a quick learner and I will get better at this. I will be better at being yours, I promise
you, Lexa.”
“Raven-” the Commander whispered, cheeks filled with color and eyes full of water. She couldn’t
let herself cry out there, not while they were in public. She was doing her best to keep those tears
from falling but she didn’t know for how long she could keep that up.
“No, I’m not done. All of these decisions I’m making are not based solely on fear. I’m making
them because I love you and I don’t want to be stuck here wondering what’s going on with you,
hearing someday or the other that you are fighting a duel to the death, or that you got caught up
somewhere fighting some raids. I want to be in Polis, getting ready to shoot the person you are
fighting if it looks like they are beating you in the duel. I want to be by your side, shoving all kinds
of bombs and grenades all over your coat pockets so you can take care of the stupid raiders and
come back home to me safe and sound. I want to be there after a long day to help you take off your
armor, we both know I do it better.” Raven shot the Commander a teasing smirk, her stomach
fluttering at the sight of the alpha’s tiny ears tinted pink. “I want to be there to make you laugh and
to hold you every night, and to listen to what’s on your mind. I’m done seeing you for a couple of
days every few months. I’m done not knowing when I’ll be seeing you next. It was already a pain
before and I’m sure it will be worse now. I want you now, I’m not waiting.”
Lexa leaned in, hiding her face in the crook of Raven’s neck, hoping to hide the translucent tears
that had rolled down her cheeks and the silly smile that was splitting her face.
“You can’t say things like that,” Lexa said.
Raven’s heart started to race. She pulled back and wiped the tears on Lexa’s cheeks away with her
thumbs, leaning in a moment later to capture the alpha’s lips. She kissed Lexa slowly, softly, like
they had all the time in the world. She did her best to commit that moment to memory, she focused
on the softness of Lexa’s lips, on the way the Commander lightly nuzzled her nose against the
omega’s every time she tilted her head to the side. She focused on the soft sighs that would escape
the Commander every time they took a moment to breathe.
The burning star in Raven’s chest threatened to consume her, she shuddered slightly and she felt
Lexa immediately moving to wrap an arm around her body. Raven could see nothing but golden
light behind her eyes.
“You stole my line again,” Raven said between kisses. “I must be learning something already.”
“You love me well, Raven, there’s nothing for you to learn,” Lexa reassured, peppering soft kisses
over the side of the omega’s face.
“There is, you just can’t see it because I blew your mind with that kiss,” Raven teased, feeling quite
pleased with herself when the Commander let out a quiet chuckle.
“I won’t deny that. Would you be open to doing it again?”
“I was afraid you wouldn’t ask,” Raven said, bringing the alpha closer one more time.
……………………………………………….
“O, I need a favor,” Raven said as she laid back on her medbay bed. Her tablet was balanced
against her good leg as she tapped away at it with her good hand. Octavia and Lana were keeping
her company while Lexa was busy outside, overseeing whatever she was getting built for Raven.
“What is it, Rae?” O asked, looking up from her quiet conversation with Lana.
“I need metal,” Raven stated and Octavia looked around with confusion, waving her hand in the
direction of everything around them. “No, not this crap, I need something good, platinum at the
very least.”
“Platinum? Where would I even find that?” Octavia asked with a frown.
“The Mountain, they were saving a great variety of things from the Old World, maybe they saved
something that’s made of platinum or better. You just need to look closely. I don’t want any shit
silver, platinum is way shinier and brighter, silver is duller.”
“Okay, I’ll do my best. When do you need it?”
“As soon as possible,” Raven responded with a grin, receiving an eye roll from Octavia. The
warrior stood up and said goodbye to Lana before walking away.
“Lana, do you know any good blacksmiths or welders? I can work with metal but I need someone
that can work with something really small, something detailed and delicate.”
“You are looking for a jeweler,” Lana stated with an arched eyebrow.
“Well, yes. Do you know any?” Raven asked, her heart racing a little.
“There’s one in Polis, Heda goes to him when she needs to favor the King and Queen of Bluecliff,
they are fond of pretty stones and jewelry made of precious metals. Their Queen is covered in
them. To the Trikru the stones they favor don’t seem as important, but he is also good at making
high-quality weapons so he is doing well in the Capital,” Lana explained and Raven nodded,
excited, that sounded like the man for the job.
“Do you think he has access to some of those precious stones?”
“He always seems able to get what Heda needs. May I ask why do you need him? If you wish for
jewelry Heda will provide it for you. She will get you everything you want,” Lana insisted.
“No, no,” Raven said, letting out a little sigh and looking up at Lana. She felt a little shy. “My
people, they have their own mating rituals and union ceremonies. Traditionally, a person proposes
to another with a ring and they get married, choosing to spend their lives together. I know it's kind
of silly because I already accepted to be Lexa’s mate, but I still want to propose to her, show her
that I want her, make her feel special.”
“Oh,” Lana said, arching her eyebrows slightly in surprise. “It’s nice that you are concerned about
the proposal and the piece of jewelry that is required for it, but Heda has been waiting for you for a
long time, you could propose with nothing and she would be elated,” Lana said and Raven looked
up at her, biting her lip slightly.
“You are mad at me for making her wait so long, aren’t you?” Raven asked.
“Yes, I am,” Lana said, short and to the point. “Your behavior seemed rather foolish; however, I
am in no position to judge.”
“No, no, you are right. I’m really trying to make it better, so maybe you won’t be mad for long.”
“I will be happy when Heda is happy,” Lana stated, Raven nodded with a smile.
“I’m really glad she has you. She cares a lot about you, you know?” Raven asked, watching as
Lana lightly blushed.
“I don’t remember a time where I didn’t know Heda, it is an honor to serve her,” Lana said, trying
to hold back whatever she was feeling, Raven could see that.
“I know, and you serve her well, but what I mean is that Lexa sees you as more than just a servant.
You mean more to her, even if she is unable to tell you. I just wanted to make sure you knew,”
Raven said, watching Lana look down before she nodded. Raven decided not to keep pushing,
noticing that Lana was getting a little uncomfortable. “Anyway, I’m starting to feel like this whole
thing is stupid, it’s impractical, Lexa is a very practical person. I don’t see her wearing something
that has no purpose. I have never seen her use jewelry before.”
“She will be happy to wear it because it will honor your traditions.”
“Still…” Raven said, leaning her head back against her pillow. She was starting to give herself a
headache. “Rings are traditionally used for proposals and then exchanged during wedding
ceremonies, but I worry about Lexa wearing rings. She’s constantly fighting, I worry it could hurt
her hand. I did some research about rings, fingers, and degloving and it's honestly disgusting.”
“Have you thought about something else? If a ring is the norm she will wear it for you, you
shouldn’t be concerned,” Lana tried to reassure.
“I did think about something. Here, look,” Raven said, turning her tablet so it would face Lana. A
small smile lifted the corners of the handmaid’s lips.
“She will like it. You have nothing to worry about.”
“You are sure?” Raven asked, hopeful.
“I don’t know if Lana is sure, but I am,” Abby said as she entered the room and got a good look at
the screen. “You are proposing to the Commander?”
Raven nodded her head with a grin on her face.
“Am I interrupting?” Lexa’s voice made the blood in Raven’s veins freeze, she scrambled to hide
the screen of the tablet, forgetting that the power button even existed and rushing to hold it tight
against her chest.
“No!” Raven felt like she had shouted and the weird look Lexa was giving her was all the
confirmation she needed.
“Is there something wrong?” Lexa asked with a frown, stepping closer to Raven and looking up at
Abby. She had probably assumed that something was medically wrong with Raven because of
Abby’s presence in the room and the omega’s odd behavior.
“Not at all, Commander,” the doctor said, retrieving the tablet from Raven’s tight hold and turning
it off before the Commander could see the screen. “Raven is doing really well. I was just telling
her that she should spend more time outside, I know she has already gone out with you, but more
sun and fresh air can’t hurt.”
“Oh, yes,” Lexa responded. She leaned down to press a soft kiss on Raven’s head. “We can go out
more often if you feel like it, yes?” The Commander asked, looking deeply into Raven’s brown
eyes.
“Yeah…” Raven whispered with a small smile.
Abby sighed and looked up to the ceiling, hoping to gather some patience. Lexa and Raven might
as well be alone in the room with how they were looking at each other. The Doctor guided Lana
outside, figuring out she would get Raven's checkup done at some other time.
“How are you feeling, my love?” Lexa asked, sitting down on the edge of Raven’s bed, her hand
moving up to gently caress the side of her face.
“I’m doing okay, just a headache,” Raven said with a smile, hearing Lexa hum with a small frown
between her brows.
“You must rest more,” Lexa said, leaning in to place soft kisses on Raven’s brow. The omega
melted a little inside, she tilted her head up and caught Lexa’s lips with her own. She sighed
happily against the alpha’s mouth, her good hand curling around the alpha’s neck and pulling her a
little bit closer.
“I’ve been missing you today,” Raven whispered as she tugged Lexa into bed with her.
“My chosen, please, forgive me,” Lexa said regretfully, “I did not mean to be gone for so long. I
needed to oversee a few things, and with Titus’ state, problems that he would often address are
being brought to me.”
“It’s okay, my brain stops working when you call me your chosen,” Raven said with a grin,
watching Lexa smile back and lean down to nuzzle her nose against the omega’s.
“That will prove very useful,” Lexa murmured before pressing her mouth warmly against the
omega’s. “Whenever we have a fight, I will use your title so you are not angry anymore.”
Raven chuckled against the Commander’s lips.
“We don’t fight.”
“We don’t?” Lexa said, pulling back with an arched eyebrow. “I still have a bruise here from when
you poked me with your finger before the duel.” Lexa pointed at her chest, and Raven huffed in
fake annoyance, knowing that the Commander was messing with her.
“Don’t even mention it, I might get angry again,” Raven said, “only you would lie down and
fucking spoon me without mentioning your duel to the death.”
“Get angry, if you do, we can try the effectiveness of calling you my chosen.” Lexa offered Raven
a tiny grin and the omega gave her a playful smack on the chest.
“I will not! Tell me though, your people are actually calling me that? Is that really my title?”
“Until we are properly united, yes. They refer to you as Sadon kom Heda or simply Sadon, in
English that would roughly translate to Heda’s Chosen,” Lexa explained, Raven tried to breathe
calmly, she didn’t think she would ever get over hearing that. Hearing the words always filled her
chest with an overwhelming sense of joy that she couldn’t explain. They were a reminder of Lexa’s
feelings. They told her that Lexa wanted her and no one else.
“Will you stop calling me that when we are properly united?” Raven asked, already missing the
words.
“In public, yes. In front of the eyes of my people I will call you Ai Haiplana, My Queen,” Lexa
said, her eyes gleaming brightly under the medbay’s light. She was excited, barely capable of
containing herself, and Raven didn’t need Lexa to say a word to know that’s how the Commander
felt, the omega could see right there in her eyes.
“Queen, right, let’s talk about that some other time, yeah?” Raven said nervously, she couldn’t
wrap her head around that.
“Of course, ai sadon.” My chosen. Lexa let her lips rest on Raven’s forehead, closing her eyes and
taking a deep breath. “I know this is hard to process. I still can’t believe you chose me.”
“You are unbelievable, you are a catch, those eyes alone…”
“Raven,” Lexa said in warning, a pink hue coloring her cheeks.
“No, I’m serious. Your face is a masterpiece, those cheekbones are a work of art and that jaw
could probably cut diamonds,” Raven traced the side of Lexa’s jaw with her thumb, pleased to see
that the bruising was healing nicely. She smiled once more and pressed a searing kiss to Lexa’s
lips. “Your ass alone is 90% of the reason why I like you.”
“Don’t do that,” Lexa whispered, burying her face against Raven’s neck and sucking a kiss on her
skin. “Don’t make me want you like that when we both know we can’t do anything about it.”
“So, you don’t always want me like that?” Raven asked with an arched eyebrow. “I thought you
always wanted to-”
“Raven,” Lexa warned once more, pulling back to look at the omega in the eyes. Her pupils were
completely blown. “Yes, I want you like that always, which makes everything all the more
difficult. Once we are better, we will make up for all the lost time, yes?”
“I’ll be holding you to that. I’m sure those scars are only going to make you look hotter,” Raven
said, secretly trying to be reassuring. She didn’t quite know how Lexa felt about the scar that
rested above her eyebrow and the one on her cheekbone. She knew that grounders didn’t really
care, but she wasn’t sure about how Lexa felt, so she was trying to make sure the alpha felt good
about herself before the wounds even properly healed.
“Doctor Griffin did great work stitching the wounds on my face, she said the scarring wouldn’t be
so bad. She did the same with all of your wounds, you will continue getting more and more
beautiful every day just like before the attack,” Lexa said lovingly, leaning closer to nuzzle her
nose gently against the omega’s cheek. Still, Raven could feel the bitter scent of guilt and regret
filtering in the air, barely contained by Lexa’s attempts of restraint. Raven knew where it was
coming from and she could only hope that with time it would go away.
“I know you feel guilty about my wounds and about having to cauterize my injuries out there…”
Raven left her sentence open, wanting Lexa to fill up the spaces.
“Yes, it seems like the number of scars that I have left on your body keeps growing and growing,”
Lexa said then, avoiding Raven’s gaze.
“I would have died out there if it wasn’t for you, you healed me, that’s what these scars will mean
to me,” Raven said, but Lexa only shook her head, unconvinced.
“I know how you feel about yourself, Ray. I fear the new scars will make it worse. You told me to
go mate a princess because of your leg… I fear you’ll be in pain, I hurt at the thought of you
believing yourself to be anything but beautiful,” Lexa shook her head, looking pained and worried.
“Being with me means that you will always be in danger of ending up in the middle of deadly
situations, I fear that too.”
“The way I think about myself is not on you, it’s on me, and I will try really hard to be better and
gentler to myself. Now, I have always known that being with the Commander is not easy or safe
and I decided to be here anyway. That decision makes me happy, being with you makes me happy,
so we will tackle whatever comes our way, and hopefully, we will be just fine.” Raven said,
leaning closer to the alpha’s body. Lexa wove her fingers gently in Raven’s hair, massaging her
scalp and leaning down to brush her lips against her forehead.
“I know I cannot control what you think about yourself, but I can help. I can make you feel wanted,
valued, appreciated. I can make you feel loved and cared for. I can make you feel beautiful. I can
remind you of how smart you are, how funny, how hard-working. I can help you remember how
unbelievably resilient you are, and loyal and trustworthy and strong... I could go on and on about
the things that fascinate me about you. And I will go on and on every time you are not feeling
okay, because even if making this better is not fully on me, I believe I can help, and that means I
will do my best to try,” Lexa finished. She framed Raven’s face gently in her hands, looking at her
for a long moment, taking her time to commit the omega’s face to memory. Even pale and a little
bruised, Raven was still gorgeous.
“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven mumbled, a shy smile on her face as she curled her
hand around Lexa’s shoulder. She tangled her fingers in a handful of the alpha’s shirt, bringing her
close and into a soft kiss. “You are too sweet, it’s absolutely nauseating.”
Lexa laughed, not believing a word that was coming out of Raven’s mouth.
“I’m honest and you love it,” Lexa was quick to remind her. Raven let out a short laugh, bringing
Lexa close once more, the kiss made a little awkward by the smile on her face.
“Yeah, I love you.” Raven looked into Lexa’s eyes, the green as bright as she had ever seen it, a
tiny circle of amber surrounding each pupil. She could see it right there, despite everything going
on, Lexa was happy.
Raven couldn’t comprehend how she managed to be the reason behind that look. She didn’t know
if she would fully make peace with it, but she would try.
……………………
“I have come with some news,” Lana announced as she made her way inside Raven’s medbay
room. The omega was propped up on her bed, tablet balanced on her good leg, Octavia and Abby
on each side of her giving their input on the design of the piece of jewelry she would give Lexa.
They had the platinum, all they needed was the guy who would shape it. Lana was supposed to go
to Polis to take care of that, for she had spoken with the blacksmith/jeweler many times before.
“What is it? I don’t like the face you are making,” Raven said, already stressed.
“I am not making any face,” Lana opposed, her face as blank as it had been when she came in.
“Exactly, how am I supposed to know if you come with good news or not?”
“Rae, just let her talk,” Octavia chided. “What is it, Lana?”
“The jeweler is no longer in Polis-”
“What?” Raven almost shouted. “What the hell are we supposed to do now? Do you know anyone
else? For fuck's sake! Maybe I should propose with a knife, there are many blacksmiths around that
can do that, right?”
“Lana,” Abby said calmly, “do we know where he went? He may be close, right?”
“He is in TonDC,” Lana said plainly, not at all bothered with Raven’s little outburst.
“What? TonDC is basically here, couldn’t you have started there?” Raven snapped, letting her head
fall back against her pillows.
“I was rudely interrupted,” the handmaid said, receiving a heated glare from the Mechanic.
“What is the guy doing here?” Octavia asked before Raven could say anything else.
“Apparently, Heda demanded his presence here-”
“No!” Raven exclaimed; eyes wide. “What if she’s planning to propose to me? She’s clearly ahead,
she will end up doing it first!”
“Heda has no intention of doing that, you committed yourself to her the moment you accepted to be
her mate. And she is not aware of your marriage traditions, if she knew she would have had a ring
made for you a year ago even if she didn’t plan on actually using it,” Lana assured. “She also
brought in our best leatherworker; they have been here for almost a week now. I would have found
out sooner but I’ve been with you and not with her.”
“A leatherworker? What is she up to now?” Abby asked.
“Maybe she needs them for whatever she is building outside,” Octavia offered.
“No, I spoke to Heda’s bodyguards, they follow Heda everywhere and they told me Heda is
concerned about the damage done to your leg contraption,” Lana said, struggling a little to find a
word for Raven’s brace. “She wanted them to be here and ready for when you feel better to start
working on a new design. In the meantime, they have been working on something based on your
first design, so you will have the contraption you need to walk whenever you are ready to put
weight on your leg again,” Lana explained. Raven felt her heart swell. She had to marry that girl,
there was no question. “Heda worries it won’t be perfect, but it will be better than nothing and you
can use it while you work with our people on a new one.”
“That’s very thoughtful of her,” Abby commented, her approval evident in the small smile on her
face.
“Yes, I just need the metal and the design. With one of your vehicles, I’ll be in TonDC in no time
and I will make sure he doesn’t sleep until everything is ready,” Lana said.
“I would recommend doing it as soon as possible. Titus is not getting better and proposing while
she is grieving might not be the best decision. Also, she has almost everything she needs to go back
to Polis. I think she hasn’t left because the Flamekeeper thing is in the air right now. She needs him
to die or get better before she makes a move,” Abby explained, crossing her arms across her chest
in concern.
“I thought she was still here because you hadn’t cleared her to travel.”
Abby scoffed. “We both know my opinion won’t stop her from doing whatever she wants.”
“She said she will try to take better care of herself.” Raven was quick to defend Lexa.
“Yes, and she still carries the cane instead of using it,” Abby said, sounding more than a little
frustrated.
“She’s trying, it’s hard for her to take care of herself when there's always someone throwing shit at
her, just give her a minute. She will get there,” Raven said, trying to get back on the topic at hand,
they had gotten a little carried away. “Okay, I will ask Sinclair to print the design, O will give you
the metal and you will go to TonDC today. Printing the design shouldn’t take long.”
Lana nodded, walking with Octavia out of Raven’s medbay room.
…………………..
“Raven is planning to propose,” Octavia said as she leaned against the doorframe of the medbay’s
storage room. Clarke was standing near one of the shelves, organizing. Octavia saw the blonde’s
shoulders tense as she seemed to freeze, her hand in the air with a vial of some medicine or the
other. “I thought that you should know.”
“Thanks, O,” the blonde responded, not turning to look at the warrior. “I need to finish up here.”
Octavia knew a dismissal when she heard one, so she took a deep breath and left the room.
Clarke placed the vial she had been holding on a random place on the shelf. She pressed her back
against one of the metal walls and slid down to the floor. A hand came up to cover her eyes.
All alone, she cried.
Chapter End Notes
Hello guys, I know I've been missing for a while. I didn't write for a couple of months
and it felt silly to come here and say "hi, we are in hiatus now" when I had already
done something similar before with my not hiatus break of last time. Life got harder
and I'm over it, honestly.
Anyway, I'm not quite back to it yet and I think that it shows. I don't like this chapter
much but it is what I have been able to get out. I thought that I would put it out there so
you guys know I haven't forgotten about you and I do plan on finishing all of my
works.
I might come back to this chapter and change it, so I will let you know if that happens.
A few questions:
Do you guys think Titus will die?

What is Raven using to propose with?
Is the story dragging a lot now? Let me know if you are done with them being so
sickeningly mushy and if you would prefer to see some plot.
Thank you for all your support and comments, I've read them over and over. They are
lovely. Thank you again for being so great, I'll see you in the comments.
Huge thanks to Cleo24 for dealing with all my crazy and helping me with this chapter,
you are a life saver.
Chapter 19
Chapter Notes
Hello, guys! I'm so sorry for making you wait so long. Things have been hard, I'm sure
you haven't had an easy go at things either. I hope you are all okay and I thank you for
sticking around with this story.
I didn't proof read this very carefully so forgive all my mistakes, I wanted to get this to
you quickly.
Also, I started yet another story (I know, I know, I'm insane and I need to finish my
current works), I couldn't help myself. It's the Costia/Lexa/Raven story I mentioned to
you guys at some point. Feel free to give it a look if you want and let me know what
you think. I'm sure you can find it by clicking on my profile.
Again, thank you for reading! I hope to see you in the comments!!
Raven woke up in the middle of the night, her side cold in Lexa’s absence. The realization had a
sharp current of panic travelling down her spine. Her first instinct was to get out of bed and find
her, but Lana’s strong hold on her shoulder stopped her in her tracks.
“Be calm,” the handmaid said. “She’s okay.”
“Where is she?” Raven asked, her heart still racing.
“Outside. A rider came and she went to meet him,” Lana explained.
“A rider? Travelling in the middle of the night? That can’t mean anything good,” Raven said with a
frown.
“It is likely that she’s needed back in Polis,” Lana said gently, as if she was afraid to harm Raven
with her words. “She might have to leave soon, and you need to let her.”
“Like hell I will let her go anywhere!” Raven exclaimed, trying to get out of bed and wincing in the
process. Lana held her down, trying to calm her.
“You know she doesn’t want to. You know she has to. Do you want to make it harder than it
already is?” Lana said, her words draining the fight right out of Raven.
“So what? I’m supposed to kiss her goodbye and watch her walk away? Someone just tried to kill
us!” Raven’s voice broke in desperation, Lana’s lips curled downwards.
“Yes. You will kiss her goodbye, you will hold her as tight as you can, you will tell her that you
love her and that you will be waiting for her. Then you will smile and tell her that she can go
because you will be okay in her absence,” Lana said slowly, listing the things Raven was supposed
to do step by step.
“I will not be okay in her absence, Lana!”
“She knows that, but she will need your reassurance if she is ever going to step a foot out of this
place without you. And you know that.” Raven looked away, knowing that Lana was telling the
truth. Lexa had a hard time leaving her room, Raven didn’t want to imagine how leaving Arkadia
would feel for her.
“If I do what you said, will that make it easier?” Raven asked, her mouth already feeling bitter. She
didn’t want to kiss Lexa goodbye, she didn’t want to tell Lexa that she would be fine in her
absence. All of it felt wrong, it was a lie.
“For years, that was what Costia did every time the Commander needed to leave. I doubt it fully
calmed Heda’s worries, but it was the push she needed to actually go out the door. I’m not saying
you have to do the exact same thing, but if she sees you breaking before she leaves, her mind will
be here, on you, and she won’t be able to think about anything else besides how she’s hurting
you.”
Raven swallowed hard, knowing that Lana was right. Knowing that Costia couldn’t have been okay
with Lexa leaving, but she still had sent her away, to her possible death, with a kiss and a smile, for
years. Until she died.
“I will have to do this over and over again for the rest of my life, won’t I?” Raven asked, looking
up at Lana with bloodshot eyes.
“Yes, until she is no longer Heda,” Lana said, looking as sorrowful as Raven felt. “I’m just asking
you to not make this harder than it needs to be, for either of you.”
“I understand. Thank you, Lana.”
Raven laid back down on the bed, trying to sleep and failing spectacularly. She closed her eyes, but
her mind would not stop spinning with possibilities, there were so many things that could go wrong
in the trip from Arkadia to Polis... Raven was in the middle of visualizing Lexa riding her horse and
being shot by an arrow when she felt the Commander step into her room. She stayed very still,
pretending to sleep, and heard the familiar rustling sound of the alpha taking her clothes off. A
moment later she felt a dip in her mattress, followed by the warmth of Lexa’s body washing over
her side. A gentle arm settled just below her breasts and Raven felt Lexa’s head dip so her forehead
could press against the omega’s shoulder.
Raven breathed in agitation, fear, frustration, and she knew then and there that Lana was right.
Lexa’s scent was the same as it was the day before the duel, Raven knew she couldn’t add to that.
She had to pull herself together and support the things Lexa needed to do.
“You okay, baby?” Raven whispered gently, covering the arm Lexa had around her with her own.
“My love, I’m sorry for waking you up. Go back to sleep,” Lexa said, as dismissive as she had
been the day before the duel. She should have noticed that Raven had been awake all along, that
slip was enough for Raven to know that Lexa was already overwhelmed enough.
“Don’t worry, I was already awake. Is there something on your mind?” Raven asked gently, Lexa
didn’t need to be pushed.
“Yes. I don’t want to keep it from you, but I would rather avoid it. I promised I wouldn’t keep
things like these from you again… We can talk about it now if you wish to,” Lexa said, already
trying to move into a sitting position. Raven held her in place, running her hand softly up and down
Lexa’s arm.
“We can talk about it tomorrow, right now we both could use some sleep, don’t you think?” Raven
offered, tilting her head down to press a soft kiss on Lexa’s forehead.
“You won’t be angry? I rather not upset you,” Lexa responded, nuzzling her nose against Raven’s
shoulder and leaving a kiss over the soft skin.
“No, I won’t be. I’ll be okay, I promise,” Raven said, trying to convince herself more than Lexa.
“Come here.” Raven tugged Lexa closer, her hand moving up to cup Lexa’s jaw and pulling her
into a kiss. Raven kept the gesture slow and tender, trying to offer comfort more than anything
else. Lexa hummed slightly into it, and Raven recognized the sound as a sign of content. “We’ll be
just fine, baby. Sleep.” Raven tugged Lexa closer still, giving the alpha no choice but to let her
head rest over the omega’s shoulder. She reached down for the blankets and pulled them up over
their bodies, something that Lexa would usually do.
“I love you, Raven,” Lexa said quietly, her warm breath washing over Raven’s collarbone.
“And I love you, Lexa,” the omega responded, straining so her voice wouldn’t crack. “So much.
Go to sleep.” She tightened her hold around the alpha, keeping her as close as she possibly could.
Lexa only nodded against her shoulder, not saying anything else. Raven brushed her fingers over
Lexa’s arm until she felt her breathing even. She thought she wouldn’t be able to sleep, not with the
images that had been filtering in her mind without her permission, but it seemed that Lexa’s weight
on her chest was enough to give her racing thoughts a break, and in moments, Raven was also
falling asleep.
………………………………
“Heda.” Lana called quietly, placing a hand on the Commander’s shoulder. Abby watched from her
place by the door, the handmaid was the only person other than Raven allowed to wake the
Commander up, they wanted to avoid the possibility of the Commander attacking someone by
accident like she had done with the nurse. “The healer wishes to give you a check up.”
The Commander had opened her eyes as soon as Lana had touched her and had stayed perfectly
still by Raven’s side. The Mechanic didn’t wake as the Commander carefully stood up from her
place on the bed, securing the blankets around Raven and leaning down to place a kiss on her
forehead.
The Commander was only wearing her undershirt and undershorts, so she put on her pants and
boots in silence and followed Abby into another room.
“Strip and put this on, please,” Abby said as she offered the Commander a gown. The Commander
did as told as quickly as she could. Sitting on a medbay bed once Abby gave a few pats to the
mattress. “I did not clear you to travel,” the doctor said as she pressed her stethoscope to Lexa’s
chest.
“They do not care,” Lexa said, Abby hummed in response.
“Deep breath,” Abby said, listening to Lexa's lungs as she did as told. “Any pain when you do
that? Take a second to think about it before you answer, remember who you are talking to.”
“Yes, some,” Lexa answered at last.
“Even if you make the trip in one of our rovers you will still be in pain, the ground is not even
enough for a steady trip,” Abby said as she moved the stethoscope to Lexa’s back.
“I’m aware.”
Abby opened up Lexa’s gown and checked the bruising over her ribs, it was large and dark and she
knew there was no way it wasn’t hurting.
“Let me see the leg,” Abby said, sitting down on a chair and holding Lexa’s injured calf in her
hands. She pulled back the dressing and uncovered the stitches underneath, revealing the incision
she had made to extract the bullet. “This is healing nicely, but we will have problems with swelling
and pain, maybe even infection, if you go to Polis and stop taking care of it and start walking on it
more than you should.”
“I don’t have a choice in the matter,” the Commander responded. Abby cleaned the wound and
changed the dressing, standing up to check the smaller injuries on Lexa’s face.
“How has your chest been feeling?”
“Fine most of the time. But I do find myself experiencing tightness and palpitations, sometimes I
feel like I can’t catch my breath.”
Abby placed her fingers gently on Lexa’s chin, tilting her head to the side to check the cuts on her
face more closely.
“I think it’s been a little too long to blame that on the leaves you took.” Abby didn’t meet Lexa’s
eyes, she only listened to the Commander’s silence, waiting for a response.
“I agree.”
Abby waited for a couple of moments, knowing her silence would prompt the Commander to keep
talking.
“It used to happen often when my past mate still lived. It mostly stopped once she was gone,
happening only when I woke up from a nightmare, but recently it’s been happening more often
once more,” Lexa explained, her voice quiet, as if she was afraid someone would hear her.
“You had something to fear when you had her. When you lost her there was nothing more for you
to lose so you had no reason to be afraid anymore, but now, with Raven…” Abby trailed off,
knowing the Commander would understand.
“I have reason to fear again.”
“Yes,” Abby said, sitting beside Lexa on the bed.
“She wants to have children with me,” Lexa said then. Abby turned to look at her, finding the alpha
with a small smile on her face. Abby smiled back, not at all surprised.
“Of course, she loves you.”
“I know, I just never thought I would live long enough to love again, much less to have children of
my own,” the Commander explained, the look on her face telling the Doctor that she was still
processing that realization. “All my life I’ve been waiting for the moment I die. For a moment, with
Costia, I dared to hope for something else, but when I lost her those hopes and those dreams died
with her. Now, I’m waiting to live with Raven in Polis, I’m waiting to see her carrying our children,
I’m waiting to take her to the most beautiful places I know of and show them to her. I’m waiting
for something other than my death. I have hopes and dreams for her and I, for us.”
Abby nodded in understanding. “It was easier before, when you had nothing to lose.”
“Yes, it was,” Lexa said, and Abby could see how validated she felt by the look in her eyes. “Don’t
get me wrong, I wouldn’t trade her for anything, I wouldn’t give up on her… I’m simply
struggling to manage my thoughts and my feelings right now.”
“You will struggle even more when you have children,” Abby said with a smile. “You won’t have
even a second of peace. You will always worry, that doesn’t stop even when they make lives of
their own and they no longer need you. You will continue to worry for their safety, for their
happiness… And that applies to all parents, not just the ones that are the supreme rulers of the
world.”
“That is already making my chest feel a little tight. I don’t think I could love anyone more than I
love Raven, but our children…” The Commander let out a shaky breath, shaking her head softly.
Abby didn’t need her to say anything else.
“There are no words to explain it,” Abby said then. “And it surely can become overwhelming.”
Lexa nodded along, Abby could almost see her getting worked up.
“They are not even here and I’m already terrified for them,” she said, reaching up to tug at the neck
of the hospital gown. She was starting to struggle to breathe and Abby knew their harmless
conversation could turn into a full blown anxiety attack if she didn’t do something to stop it.
“Your position and the way you were raised have always forced you to think ahead, to consider all
the possible outcomes for every step you take, even more so the catastrophic ones. That ability, to
see so far into the future, has played a huge part in you being such a good leader to your people, but
it is also playing against you right now because you are worrying about things that haven’t
happened, that may not happen, you are even worrying about people that don't exist. And you think
all of it will go horribly wrong, don’t you?” Abby asked. The Commander nodded.
“I don’t know how to do anything else,” she explained, lowering her head.
“Maybe just try to take it one day at a time? I’m not an expert but I believe forcing your mind to
shift focus can make a difference.”
“One day at a time,” Lexa said to herself, nodding. “I can try that.”
“I also have medication to manage some of the most severe symptoms, we could try that if you
want?”
“Whatever you think it’s best. I only want to be better, for Raven.”
“And for you?” Abby asked, the Commander turned her head to look at her, confused.
“I don’t understand.”
“Don’t you want to be better for you, too?” Abby asked, knowing by the look on the Commander’s
face that she didn’t know what to say.
“I hadn’t thought about it.” The alpha frowned. Abby felt a pang on her chest, of course she hadn’t.
She had never been taught to take herself into consideration, that had probably been discouraged
even, because her only worry needed to be her people.
“That’s okay, give it some thought and come to see me before you leave. I want to give you some
recommendations for when you travel and for when you arrive in Polis.”
“Okay,” the Commander said, standing up from the bed to put her clothes back on. She stopped at
the door before she left, and turned to look back at Abby. “Will you look after her for me while I’m
gone?”
“Of course, always,” Abby said, offering the Commander a reassuring smile.
“Thank you,” the Commander said, tilting her head down in appreciation before leaving.
……………….
When Lexa arrived back at Raven’s medbay room the omega was still asleep. She smiled to herself
and walked up to her, leaning down to press soft kisses over her face before settling on her lips. She
pressed her mouth gently over Raven’s, feeling the omega smile against her before reciprocating
the gesture. Soon, a hand was holding the back of her neck, pulling her closer, and she couldn’t do
anything more than fall into it.
“Well, good morning to you too,” Raven said with a smile, her hand closing over the front of
Lexa’s shirt and tugging her down for one more kiss. “Commander Lexa, may I say that you look
absolutely stunning on this fine morning.”
“That’s a lie, Raven, you have stolen all the beauty there is and you know it,” Lexa responded, her
smile a mirror of Raven’s own.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said. Lexa could almost feel the heat in the omega’s cheeks
as she leaned down to kiss her again. The kiss was deeper and longer than before, Lexa knew it
was a bad idea to let herself get carried away like that, but she couldn’t stop herself, not when she
didn’t know when she would get to kiss Raven like that again. The omega seemed to sense her
souring thoughts because a moment later she was being pushed away just enough for Raven to be
able to look her in the eye. “What is it?”
“My presence is being demanded in Polis. I have to go,” Lexa said carefully, expecting the worst
possible reaction from Raven.
“How long will you be gone?” the omega asked, looking concerned.
“I’m not sure. I will try my best to make it short. I don’t wish to be away from you for long.”
“I know, I don’t want to be away from you either,” Raven said with a small smile. “I’ll be missing
those sweet eyes of yours, you know?” Lexa felt her heart twist in her chest, she leaned her head
down, letting her forehead rest against Raven’s.
“I can say the same,” Lexa said, feeling her eyes sting.
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Raven was quick to reassure her, cupping Lexa’s cheeks with her hands and
brushing her skin gently with her thumbs. “We’ll be just fine. We’ll send each other letters, talk
over the radio, think about each other naked, all the good stuff. Distance makes the heart grow
fonder, you know?” Raven smiled that stunning smile of hers that always made Lexa feel like she
was holding the sun in the space between her lungs. The Commander couldn’t help but laugh at the
omega’s comments, shaking her head gently at her antics.
“Of course,” Lexa responded, leaning down to nuzzle her nose against the omega’s.
“Come here, I’ll tell you a secret,” Raven said, tugging the Commander closer, until her mouth was
brushing against the alpha’s ear. “I think about you naked all the time.”
“Raven…” Lexa said, trying not to let her mind wander.
“What?” the omega said innocently. “Our relationship is based on honesty, is it not?”
“Yes, but-”
“And you are aware that usually when we are together we fuck almost everyday, sometimes more
than once a day?”
“Yes, but-”
“And you have noticed that this is the first time we have spent so much time together without
having sex?”
Lexa stopped for a second, she hadn’t actually considered that.
“Now you understand why I feel like my eyes will fall off every time you step into the room, it’s
almost like your clothes are translucent,” Raven explained, her hand sneaking under Lexa’s shirt
and pressing playfully against her lower abs. “I feel like you going away will be beneficial for both
of us, because this forced abstinence thing kind of sucks. At least with you gone the temptation will
be less, don’t you think?”
“I suppose you are right,” Lexa said, smiling. “Maybe the distance will help you get your desires
under control.”
“Or, it could make me want you more when you come back,” Raven said, biting her lips as she
pulled Lexa down once more. “Either way, I win.”
They kissed until they couldn’t breathe. Lexa felt Raven’s hands sneak under her shirt and palm at
her skin. She left one hand pressed against the mattress, holding herself up, while the other roamed
freely over Raven’s uninjured side. A swipe of her tongue over the roof of Raven’s mouth resulted
in the omega moaning low against her mouth. The sound made something clench right behind
Lexa’s belly button, she knew they needed to stop, but she didn’t want to. She moved down,
sucking kisses over Raven’s neck and letting her hand close over a soft breast.
She was about to move her hand even lower when they were startled by the sound of something
crashing outside. Lexa’s body was filled with panic and in seconds she was off of Raven and
standing by her bedside, arms up and ready to fight. Her eyes frantically moved to find the threat,
but all she saw past the glass doors or Raven’s room was a couple of nurses picking up a tray of
surgical supplies that had fallen to the floor.
“Hey, hey, it’s fine,” Raven said from behind her, Lexa felt her tug at the back of her shirt. She
turned around and collapsed over the omega, her elbows pressing against the mattress as she buried
her face against Raven’s neck. She felt her heart race as she struggled to breathe, the sound of the
organ beating was deafening in her ears. “We are okay, a tray fell outside and it made a lot of
noise, okay? We are not in danger.”
“I thought it was another bomb,” Lexa said, her voice muffled against Raven’s neck. The omega
held onto the back of her neck, Lexa could feel her fingers tracing the scar there. She tried to focus
on that instead of the image of the bomb that had gone off right in front of her face, that was
currently playing on loop in her mind. “I can’t protect you from a bomb, Raven.” She was choking,
she was breathing but it didn’t seem to make a difference.
“You can, you have, ” Raven insisted, pushing Lexa back enough to look into her eyes. “You
pulled me out of the rover after the first one went off and you carried me far enough from the
second one so that we weren’t blown off to hell. You have protected me.”
“I’m going to leave you. I won’t be here to protect you. I-”
“I will be just fine. And I will be waiting for you to come back to me and finish what you started a
second ago, okay?” Raven asked, Lexa could feel her hand move up and down her back. She
pressed her face further into Raven’s neck and breathed in as deep as she could, doing her best to
ground herself.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get like this.”
“It’s okay, there’s nothing to forgive,” Raven lowered her hand and let it rest against Lexa’s chest.
Lexa knew she could feel how hard her heart was beating. “Should I get Abby?”
“No, I already spoke to her about this. She doesn’t think it is the leaves, and she will give me
medication to manage it,” Lexa explained.
“Okay,” Raven said gently. Lexa knew she probably had more questions, but she didn’t want to
push. “Do you want to lie down with me for a bit?”
“I do, yes, but I should go make arrangements for my departure. I won’t be long.” Lexa pulled
back, offering Raven a small smile and a kiss before moving out of the room.
Raven could do nothing but watch her go, fear and concern clear in her eyes.
………….
“Remember, it is your duty, your responsibility, as the Commander’s Chosen, as her future mate, to
keep your chin up, your shoulders squared and a smile on your face. It is your duty to smile and
send her away,” Lana repeated the words like a mantra as she fixed Raven’s hair into the Chosen’s
mandated hair style.
“You will stand outside, in front of your people and mine, you will hold her and tell her you love
her and you will send her away. You will not cry and you will not show anything but strength,
because you are the future Haiplana and our people won’t accept weakness from you. You won’t
break, you will stand strong and you will let Heda feed off your resilience, of how solid and
unwavering you are.” Lana helped Raven into an undershirt and a pair of black cargo pants that
wouldn’t be tight around her injured leg. She then helped her into a standing position, Raven didn’t
allow her bad leg to touch the ground, letting all of her weight rest on her good leg. She kept an
arm on Lana’s shoulder, staying stable.
“You will look her in the eye and tell her that you will be okay, that you will be waiting for her to
come home. You will push her out the door if you need to. And you won’t break down until you
are on your own, where no one can see you. It is your duty, as Heda’s Chosen, to give her the
strength she needs to leave.” Lana said as she helped Raven into a long brown leather coat. The
upper part of the coat closed around Raven’s front, while the lower part remained open, flowing
around her legs.
Lana handed her a pair of wooden crutches, Abby hadn’t been happy about it because her wrist
wasn’t fully healed, but she had allowed it because seeing Lexa off would only take a couple of
minutes and Raven would go back to bed right after. The crutches had been made by the grounders,
if the leaves, vines and flowers that had been engraved in the wood were any indication.
“Remember, if the spirits are kind to you, you will get to tell her goodbye a hundred times and each
time she will come back to you,” Lana continued, fixing the neck of Raven’s coat and making sure
each hair was in place before stepping back. “Tell me, what will you do?”
“I will hold her, kiss her, tell her I love her and that I will be waiting for her to come back to me.
I’ll tell her that I will be okay in her absence and I will send her away. I will not cry until I’m on my
own, because she chose me, and it is my duty to give her the strength she needs to leave,” Raven
said, her voice made of steel when in reality her chest felt like it was caving in on itself.
“Spoken like a true Haiplana,” Lana said, smiling back at her. “Show me the smile now.”
Raven knew that the only thing she would be able to offer was a grimace, so she searched her
memories, she went deep into the place where her treasures were stored and she let herself fall
there. She found herself standing on the balcony in Lexa’s room in Polis, wrapped up in blankets,
in Lexa’s arms. They were dancing.
When she looked up at Lana, there was a smile on her face.
“Good, let’s go.”
………………..
The people from Arkadia as well as the Commander’s warriors had gathered outside to watch her
go. Most of the warriors had already mounted their horses, the rover Lexa would travel in was
already running, they were only waiting on the Commander, who in turn was waiting for her.
Raven had made it from the medbay to the doors on her wheelchair, but she used her crutches to
get to the doors and towards the place where Lexa stood by Arkadia’s gates. Lexa had told her that
they could have a quiet goodbye in Raven’s medbay room, but the omega had fought against it,
wanting to see the alpha off properly.
Lexa reached out for her as soon as she saw her, curling her arms around Raven’s waist and helping
her hold up her weight.
“This was unnecessary,” the alpha whispered.

“Hardly,” Raven said, pressing her forehead against Lexa’s. “I’ll be longing to have you by my
side again.” Raven let go off her crutches and held onto Lexa’s shoulders, hugging her as tight as
she could. “I’ll be okay, everything will be okay here, you don’t need to worry.” Raven pulled back
just enough to look Lexa in the eye, she cupped the Commander’s cheeks and watched a tiny frown
of concern develop between her brows. “I love you and I expect you to do everything in your
power to come back to me.”
“I will and I love you more,” Lexa whispered, tightening her hold around Raven’s body.
“Don’t start that, we will never finish arguing over who loves who more,” Raven warned, looking
up at Lexa with an arched eyebrow.
“Well, I did love you first, didn’t I?” The Commander said, a smile curling the corners of her lips.
Raven faked a gasp.
“What a low blow, Commander, didn’t think you were capable of such treachery,” Raven said,
knowing her manner of speech would be amusing to Lexa, she knew she was right when the
Commander’s pretty teeth were exposed for her.
“I only speak the truth. I love you, infinitely,” Lexa said in a whisper, her lips brushing the side of
Raven’s ear. The omega felt her eyes burn, but refused to let her tears fall. She forced her voice to
remain light and comforting as she delivered her line.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, knowing what it would provoke in Lexa.
In moments Lexa’s mouth had pressed against hers in a heated kiss. Raven was reminded of the
kiss Lexa had given her when she had come for her, intense and unrelenting and unafraid. This
time the kiss was also rich with the knowledge of being each other’s. Raven waited until her lungs
were burning to push Lexa away.
“I will carry you with me, everywhere I go,” Lexa said, placing her hand over the sun tattoo on her
chest. Raven felt her breath hitch, her first instinct was to respond by saying her typical line, you
can’t say things like that, but if she did, Lexa would never leave. She smiled at Lexa and tried to
keep herself from crying.
“You need to go,” Raven said, smiling all the way. Lexa’s eyes moved all over her face, looking
for a sign that she wasn’t okay. “Go, my love. I’ll be okay.”
“You’ll reach over the radio every day,” Lexa said, more an order than a question.
“Yes, every day.”
“And you will tell me how everything is going with you.”
“Of course.”
“And you will ask me for anything you need, I will make sure you have it.”
“Yes, I will.” At that point, Raven knew Lexa was stalling.
“And you-” Raven cut her off with a hard kiss.
“Go, my love. I’ll be okay.” Raven pressed her hands against Lexa’s shoulders and pushed her
away once more. Lana was instantly there by her side, holding her up now that Lexa wasn’t close
enough to do it herself.
Lexa visibly hesitated, giving Raven one last long look. Raven kept her smile on her face, never
wavering. Lexa finally walked towards the rover, stopping as she opened the door to look at Raven
once more. Raven smiled even wider and blew her a kiss, the gesture seemed to surprise Lexa, for
her eyes widened slightly, she smiled back bringing a hand up to her chest where Raven knew her
sun tattoo was. Lexa tapped her tattoo twice, her eyes on the omega, Raven could almost hear her
voice in her head.
I will carry you with me, everywhere I go.
Raven raised her hand and waved her goodbye, Lexa finally made it inside the rover. In seconds,
she was gone.
Lana handed Raven her crutches and followed her to the doors. Raven sat on the wheelchair, barely
conscious about the pain in her leg, and told Lana to push her faster.
They made it into her room in record time and suddenly Raven found herself bent over her bed,
sobbing. Lana knelt by her side, rubbing a hand comfortingly over her back.
“You did well, you did so well,” the handmaid repeated over and over, it didn’t seem to help.
“Raven,” Abby said as she entered the room, her face falling at the sight of the omega, she moved
her body in between Raven and the bed, kneeling before the omega and holding her tight to her
body. “You were so strong, Raven, so strong. We need to trust that everything will be okay.”
Abby’s words of comfort seemed to fall on deaf ears. Raven only continued to cry, feeling like her
heart had been ripped out of her chest, Lexa had taken it with her the moment she had left, and now
Raven didn’t know what to do with herself.
“What if someone hurts her and I’m not there? I won’t even be able to say goodbye, Abby, what
then?” Raven cried, Abby didn’t know what to say. She didn’t respond, so Lana knelt by Raven’s
side and looked her in the eye.
“You already said goodbye, you already made your last moment together perfect. That has to be
enough,” the handmaid said. Raven realized then that that was the reason why Lana had been so
particular about what happened when Lexa and her parted ways. So they had a perfect goodbye just
in case something went wrong. That realization made everything even more real to Raven, she felt
an overwhelming wave of dread wash over her and she suddenly couldn’t stand having company.
“Can you both leave, please? I really want to be alone.”
“Of course,” Abby said as she stood up. Lana hesitated, after all, Lexa had been clear about her
staying with Raven at all times. Abby tugged her outside, telling her that she could stay by the
door.
Once she was alone Raven grabbed the trash can that was placed by her bed, losing her breakfast in
it quickly after.
She had given Lexa the perfect goodbye. She couldn’t think about anything more sickening.
…………………………….
“I don’t need you here right now, Clarke,” Raven gritted her teeth as she held onto the two bars on
each side of her. Her leg was adequately braced and she was starting to get into walking again. The
process was painful and uncomfortable, but the sooner she got better, stronger, the sooner she
would be able to go to Polis.
“My mother said that Lana doesn’t count as medical supervision, she’s busy and you have kicked
Jackson out more than once, so…” Clarke said, walking further into the room and nodding at Lana,
who was standing behind Raven, ready to catch her in case she would lose her balance.
“So, I don’t want any of you hovering over me, I have done this before and I will do it again,”
Raven growled out as she took another tiny step. “The last person I want to see is you.” Sweat
continued to pour over Raven’s forehead, the neck of her shirt was damp and her arms were aching
in their attempts to hold her up. Her good leg was sore too, same with her back, as her body tried to
make up and compensate for her bad leg. She heard Clarke sigh but she didn’t bother with turning
to look at her.
“Lana, would you please give us a moment?” Clarke asked. Lana didn’t move.
“She doesn’t answer to you, Princess,” Raven said, snickering. Lana stayed firmly behind her, arms
outstretched and lightly placed on Raven’s sides as she aided her with each step.
“Would you please ask her to go? I’d like to speak to you privately.”
“I care very little about what you want,” Raven said with a grunt, taking yet another step. She was
halfway there. She smiled to herself, feeling drops of sweat roll down her neck, she was going to
get better and she was going to Polis.
“Raven, please…” Clarke’s soft voice interrupted her thoughts. Raven finally looked up. The
blonde was begging with her eyes. The Mechanic sighed and whispered to Lana that she could wait
outside for a few minutes. “I wanted to say I’m sorry, my behavior has been awful and it has
caused you and the Commander pain. I just… I…”
“You are just in love with her,” Raven interrupted as she took another step. “So in love that when
she left you at the foot of the Mountain you took it personally, continued to punish her when we
both know she was already punishing herself. You just had to make sure she was in pain, didn’t
you?” Raven got out through her labored breathing. She stood there for a second, giving her leg a
rest and leaning heavily on her good side, not even bothering to look at Clarke.
“Yes,” Clarke said simply, unable to deny. “I handled everything poorly, you had nothing to do
with it and I ended up bringing you into it. I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry I hurt her.”
“If you came for forgiveness, you came looking at the wrong place,” Raven said, taking a deep
breath before continuing with her steps.
“No. I will try to earn that; my words are just so you know that I am aware I did something wrong.
I know what you and Lexa have is special, I jeopardized it, and I would understand if that’s more
than you could ever forgive,” Clarke said softly, her gaze locked on the side of Raven’s face. The
Mechanic stopped at her words and turned to look at her.
“Why did you come to me and not to Lexa?”
“Out of respect to you,” Clarke said, to which Raven arched her eyebrows. “Apologizing and
explaining my actions would be hard without telling her how I feel about her. I don’t want things to
get more complicated than they already are.”
“Clarke, telling Lexa what you feel for her won’t make a difference,” Raven said, running the back
of her wrist over her sweaty forehead and wiping the moisture away. Clarke’s jaw tightened as she
looked down at her feet. “I’m not saying that to be a dick. I just know how she feels right now and
I know how she felt about you in the past. We both know there was something there, I won’t deny
that, but whatever it was it's not there anymore. Talk to her freely, if she forgives you that will give
you points in my book.”
“Okay,” Clarke said, blue eyes filled with water as she walked towards the door. She turned back
at the last second and looked at Raven. “I did some research on orthotics when I realized your last
brace was out of commission. I know Lexa had a new one made for you, but I’ve got a couple of
ideas for a new design in case you want to see them.”
“Okay,” Raven responded. She was unable to hide the surprise on her face. “Thanks.”
“Sure.”
……………………..
“I got everything ready in the bathhouse for you, should we go?” Lana asked as she helped Raven
sit on her wheelchair.
“Yeah, sure. Thanks,” Raven said as she was rolled out of Arkadia’s main camp and towards the
wooden structure Lexa had had built for her.
The bathhouse had a ramp that accommodated Raven’s wheelchair, it also had metal railings on all
walls so that Raven could hold onto them and use them to push herself up if she needed to. It was
also equipped with a massage bed and with its main attraction, a massive stone bathtub. There were
shelves filled with different oils and candles, and there was also a cot covered in comfortable furs
just in case Raven felt like spending the night there.
Raven had known that Lexa had been building something for her, but the Commander had never
managed to show her what it was, mainly because it hadn’t been finished when the Commander
had to leave. Raven had been incredibly touched when she first saw it, especially because she
knew Lexa had had the bathhouse built with her recovery in mind. It was a nice place, quiet and
warm, perfect for her to try out the exercises Abby had recommended for her leg and for Lana to
massage her soreness away with her hands after a long day.
She couldn’t wait for Lexa to be back, they would fit so well inside the bath, it was big enough to
comfortably accommodate them and Raven couldn’t wait to properly thank the Commander for it.
Raven lowered herself into the hot water of the bath, letting the calming scent of the oils filter in
her lungs as she leaned her head back, trying to relax.
“Have you heard anything about when she will be back?” Raven asked Lana as she kept her eyes
closed.
“No. Our conversations are brief, she mostly asks about you and how your recovery is going,”
Lana responded from her place sitting at the head of the tub.
“I should have proposed when I had the chance,” Raven rumbled, tilting her head back so Lana
would have an easier time washing her hair.
“Your proposal is not necessary, you will be each other’s soon as you have already accepted to be
her mate.”
“I know, but she has always been a step ahead of me when it comes to our relationship. I want to
show her that we are on the same page now, that I want to be hers as much as she wants to be mine.
I fear she will always feel like she’s giving me all of her and I’m just meeting her halfway there,”
Raven explained, letting out a soft moan when she felt Lana’s fingers carefully knead at the back of
her neck.
“What makes you think that she feels that way to begin with?” Lana asked.
“How could she not feel that way? I told her that I would be there and then I left her. She has
reasons to feel insecure, I gave her reasons to feel insecure.” Raven let out a heavy breath, shaking
her head. “I want her to know I want her, always. I want to show her, that’s why the proposal and
the marriage matters so much to me. But maybe nothing will stop her from feeling insecure, not
until we mate, maybe when she marks me and I mark her she will know for sure and we will be
able to leave everything I did to her in the past.”
Lana’s motion stopped, Raven frowned, turning back around to look at the handmaid.
“What? Look, I know you think me proposing is unnecessary but-”
“You think Heda is going to mark you?” Lana interrupted, looking completely thrown off. Raven’s
frown only deepened.
“Well, of course, what else happens during your mating ceremonies?” Raven asked, confused.
“Hedas receive their mate’s mark, they don’t return it,” Lana said, frowning, as if she didn’t
understand why Raven thought that would happen in the first place.
“ What? ” Raven asked, not knowing what to feel about what she was hearing. Her mind played a
memory for her, Lexa and her, in bed, together. Lexa biting her own arm, almost taking a chunk off
instead of simply marking Raven. “What do you mean they won’t return it?”
“Hedas can’t mark their mates,” Lana said, her face blanking when she realized the Commander
hadn’t spoken about that with Raven. “Heda didn’t tell you?”
“No, I mean- We- I left her and then she came for me, and then we were blown up and almost
killed, and then she left. We- We agreed to mating, to having a family together, to children. I don’t
understand, why wouldn’t she give me her mark, she must know I want it,” Raven said, getting
more upset with every word she spoke.
“You have never spoken of what happens during our mating rituals, have you?”
“No, not really,” Raven said as she shook her head. “I agreed to it, I don’t really know what
happens. Why can’t she give me her mark?”
“I think it's best if you speak about this with her when she comes back,” Lana said, trying to turn
Raven back around so she could finish washing her hair.
“No! She’s not here, I don’t know when she’s coming back, just tell me!” Raven demanded.
Lana sighed, grabbing a towel and drying her hands before she stood up and sat on a chair beside
the bathtub, making sure Raven wouldn’t have to keep twisting her body around to look at her.
“Exchanging mating marks is a soul binding act,” Lana said, Raven nodded along, she knew that.
“When a pair exchange marks things change, it’s like a bridge is built, a bridge that goes two ways.
Feelings filter through it, allowing mates to sense each other, to know about the other’s well being
even while apart. That’s why losing a mate is so painful and debilitating, because two souls that
had joined are so suddenly wrenched apart-”
“I know that, I have heard of cases where someone mated dies and then the living mate starts
getting sick. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes the living mate will soon follow their dead
partner. They get sick and they die,” Raven said, trying to remember everything she knew about
mating.
Lana nodded along.
“Yes, but you need to understand that Heda is not just anyone. Heda holds the Flame and in the
Flame the souls of all the Commander’s before her. The Flame changed Heda’s mind, she shares it
with all the others. It is enhanced, somehow,” Lana struggled to explain, she wasn’t an expert on
the Flame, so she could only tell Raven the bits and pieces that she knew.
“Why does that matter?” Raven asked, not quite following.
“Because if she marks you, you won’t only sense her,” Lana explained, Raven’s eyes widened.
“The Flame enhances the soulbond, you won’t only feel Heda, other things will filter through as
well. Thoughts, memories, sometimes they won’t even belong to her . In a way, it would almost be
like you held the Flame, too.”
“I don’t care about any of that,” Raven said, feeling slightly offended. “If I can share that weight
with her I’ll do it, I don’t care.”
“Have you ever asked Heda what holding the Flame feels like?”
Raven came up blank.
“No. I- I haven’t,” Raven responded, feeling a little disappointed in herself.
“There is only one reported case of a past Heda marking their partner, we are not even sure it’s real
because Hedas mating has always been discouraged, but apparently the mate couldn’t handle the
weight of it all and they severed the soulbond.”
“Severed the bond? I thought mating marks were unbreakable. I thought death was the only thing
that could- oh,” Raven whispered, realization falling on her like a pile of bricks.
“Yes. They ended their own fight to free their mind of the Flame. The Heda at the time got mate
sick soon after, that was one of the few Hedas that managed to die of natural causes.”
Raven felt back against the bathtub, not knowing what to say, not knowing how to process
everything Lana had just told her.
“So, her and I, we will never…” Raven whispered, feeling crushed.
“You can, it just wouldn’t be safe and we both know Heda would not agree to endanger you like
that.”
“But we don’t know for sure if any of that really happened, right? Maybe it’s just a story to scare
Hedas from taking mates, right?” Raven asked, still hopeful.
“I suppose so, but do you think Heda Lexa would risk it?”
Raven could only shake her head, not saying anything else. Lana went back to finish washing her
hair. No other word was said.
…………………..
“My love, are you there?” Lexa’s voice startled Raven into dropping the tool currently in her hand.
She scrambled to wipe her oily hands on her pants and reached for the radio.
“Right here, baby, haven’t heard from you in a bit, are you okay?”
“Yes, things are just busy in Polis. The sole process of replacing the dead Ambassadors has been a
struggle. The leaders of their Clans want someone to pay and right now there’s no one we can
clearly blame.”
“Of course,” Raven responded, dying to ask when Lexa was coming back but refusing to do it.
“Have you been sleeping, eating? Have you been taking care of your wounds the way you are
supposed to?”
“I have, yes. I struggle at night with your absence, but I have been doing what I can to remain well
fed. My injuries are okay, my leg is much better. What about you? Lana mentioned that you had
started physical therapy and that you have been attempting to walk once more. Isn’t it too early for
that?”
“I haven’t been pushing it, I promise. Abby has been keeping an eye on me, I still use the
wheelchair sometimes when I don’t feel like being on my feet,” Raven said, receiving an
unimpressed look from Lana, they both knew she had been pushing it a bit.
“What about the pain?” Lexa asked.
“It’s there, baby,” Raven said with a sigh. “I’m doing what I can to manage it, there are some good
days, but you know it will never go away completely. The bathhouse helps, thank you. I can’t
believe you had that built for me.”
“It is the least I could do, let me know if there’s anything I can provide for you to help with the
pain. I will make sure it happens.”
“I know, baby,” Raven said with a smile. “I love you.”
“I love you more.”
Raven laughed.
“Do not start that again, Lexa!”
“I loved you first, Raven, did I not?” Lexa said, Raven could hear the fondness in her voice.
“You did, you are always going to win this,” Raven said, shaking her head with a smile.
“It’s a good thing, don’t you think? You win at everything else,” Lexa said, Raven felt her cheeks
heat up.
“Well, I do worry about you thinking I love you less than you love me,” Raven said, immediately
making their conversation a little more serious.
“I don’t think that, at all, I just say that to make you smile. You know your smile is tied as my
favorite thing with your-”
“Eyes, yes, I know,” Raven interrupted, her chest warm. “I feel like my ass should be up there as
well but you like what you like, I guess.”
Lexa chuckled on the other side of the radio and Raven felt like she could breathe easy for the first
time since the Commander had left.
“Don’t make me laugh, it just makes me miss you more.”
“Can’t help it, gorgeous,” Raven said, smiling all the way as she picked up the tool she had
dropped earlier and went back to work. “Remind me to show you one of your birthday presents
when you come back, I didn’t get to show you and now it is just here, gathering dust.”
“The steel horse?” Lexa asked, surely remembering the key Raven had given her.
“Yes, I’m doing some maintenance on it, making sure it's in perfect shape when you come back.
I’m thinking about letting Octavia take it for a ride, machines can get damaged with lack of use.”
“Of course, I’m sorry you couldn’t show me right away.”
“Not your fault, I messed up your birthday, that wasn’t on you.”
“Raven-”
“No, no, it’s fine. When is your meeting with the Wise Ones?” Raven asked, swiftly changing the
subject.
“Tomorrow morning.”
“Will you let me know how it goes?”
“I will, I don’t want you to worry about it.”
“I will worry anyway!” Raven said in a singsong voice, Lexa sighed loudly but Raven could sense
the fondness of the sound. For a moment she wondered if she should approach the subject of the
mating marks. She decided against it, figuring that she should talk about that in person with Lexa.
“Okay. I’m doing everything I can to be home soon, you know that, right?”
“I do, Lex, don’t worry about it. Do what you have to do, I’ll be here.”
“I was thinking… when you are better and things are more stable, maybe you and I could take a
small trip. I need to visit Floukru and I promised I would show you the ocean, what do you think?”
Lexa asked, hesitant.
“I think it sounds wonderful, when would we go?”
“Before summer’s end. The weather will be perfect then,” Lexa said, Raven nodded to herself,
noticing that the trip would be in only a month or two. “I don’t want you to feel pressured or to
push yourself to recover faster. If you are not feeling better by then we can make the trip another
time.”
“I won’t push, Lana won’t let me, I promise.”
“Good. I need to go now, but I’ll be waiting to hear your voice tonight, yes?” Lexa asked, sounding
apologetic about having to cut their conversation short.
“For sure, don’t let me keep you.”
“Okay, have a good day. I love you.”
“I love you,” Raven responded, but the line was already dead. Raven stared at the radio in her hand
for a second, she felt cold and lonely and she had the instinct of wrapping her arms around herself.
Lana seemed to notice the shift in her mood, for she moved closer to her and placed her hand on
Raven’s shoulder, giving it a soft squeeze.
“Can they always do this? Send someone in the middle of the night as if the world was about to
burst into flames and force her to rush to them?” Raven asked, Lana’s hand tensed on her shoulder.
“What? What is it?”
“When Heda is away the council of the Wise Ones only sends a rider with such urgency if there is
a threat moving towards the capital?” Lana explained, Raven’s blood froze in her veins. Had she let
Lexa walk into a war on her own?
“There’s a fucking army moving towards Polis!” Raven exclaimed, dropping her tools as she stood
up in a rush, a current of pain immediately shot down her back and thigh. She winced and Lana
was instantly by her side, having wrapped an arm around Raven’s waist so she could offer her
some support.
“No, Raven, there is not,” Lana said slowly. Raven frowned, confused. It took her only a second to
understand what Lana was really saying.
“They are not the real reason why she left,” Raven said, Lana nodded slowly, helping her back
onto her chair.
“No, they aren’t. They were demanding her presence in Polis, they did want her to go back as soon
as possible, but the rider that finally forced the Commander to leave… That wasn’t them.”
“Lexa didn’t say anything,” Raven said, she could feel the anger of it all start bubbling in the
middle of her chest.
“I don’t think she knew what to say, if she had known exactly what she was walking into she
would have told you.”
“But how can she not know?” Raven asked, confused.
“Because when the nature of the information is too delicate, it is dangerous to give a detailed
message to the rider, so they are given a code. A code that only Heda and the person that sent the
rider knows, so if the rider gets intercepted no one will be able to pull information from him. They
don’t even know what the code means.”
“But Lexa knows what the code means, she could have mentioned it.”
“There are many codes, I don’t know which one was used in this case, but it could be something as
simple as come to Polis, immediately,” Lana explained. “Heda knows they wouldn’t demand her
presence in such a way if it wasn’t important, so when the code is sent, she goes. She didn’t have
much to say besides the fact that she has to go.”
“But it has been weeks since she left, if she has met with some secret person who had some secret
message for her, why hasn’t she spoken to me about it?” Raven asked, still feeling like she had
reason to be angry.
“Whoever sent for Heda didn’t feel it was safe to send the message in person, and you think Heda
will find it safe to tell you about it over the radio?” Lana asked, arching her eyebrows and making
Raven feel slightly stupid. “It’s either that or she hasn’t been able to meet the person that asked for
her presence in the capital.”
“This person dragged her out of here in a rush and you think they haven’t met yet?”
“If they are one of Heda’s spies, which is likely, it is in everyone’s best interest to keep their
identity secret. The Coalition is collapsing and Heda is under scrutiny from everybody, she could
be delaying the meeting if she felt that it would be unsafe for her spy to meet with her, if she felt it
could expose them,” Lana explained, Raven nodded along, trying to calm down. Lexa had never
given her reasons to doubt her, she had to trust that the Commander would let her know what was
happening when it was safe to do so. “I’ve known Heda all my life, Raven, I promise you she is
not lying to you or keeping things to herself for the sake of it. If she is doing something it is
because she feels she has to. You have to know that she wouldn’t intentionally jeopardize her
relationship with you.”
“I know, Lana, I know,” Raven said, reaching up to put her hand on top of Lana’s, squeezing it
gently. “I just wish I was there with her and I hate being in the dark.”
“I understand and I’m sorry it has to be this way.”
Raven nodded, offering the girl a smile before shaking her head, trying to clear her mind, and going
back to work on the motorcycle.
“Lana?” Raven said after a long moment of silence.
“Yes?”
“I don’t know when she will be back, it’s been a couple of weeks already… I’ve been preparing a
few things I want to send her. Do you think you can find someone who gets the package to Polis?”
“Of course, I’ll help in whatever way I can. Is there anything else I can do?” the handmaid asked,
happy to have something to do. Raven thought about it for a second, finally nodding.
“Yes, I need a few supplies. I’ll make you a list,” Raven said, reaching for something to write on
and passing it over to Lana once she was done. “What do you think? Can you get me those
things?”
“Of course, I’ll go at once. Reach out if you need anything, I’ll have the Skaikru device at the
ready.”
“The radio, Lana, that’s what it's called,” Raven said with a smile, the young girl blushed a little.
“The radio, yes, I’ll keep it close to me.”
“Thanks, Lana.”
………………………
“It is our understanding that half of your Ambassadors are dead and that Titus, a man that has
served 4 Commanders before you, currently lies dying under the care of the Skaikru,” Jonah, the
head of the Council of the Wise Ones, spoke.
“Yes, that is the truth. The absence of the Ambassadors has made communication difficult with
their respective clans, but we are working to replace them as soon as possible,” Lexa responded.
She stood in the center of the Temple of the Flame, the home of the current Council of the Wise
Ones, formed by 5 men and women. They sat in front of her on their high table. The height of the
platform making Lexa tilt her head back slightly to properly face them.
Lexa could only look at them and try to make her face show nothing. Out of all the council
members, Jonah had been around the longest, having served 9 Commanders, counting Lexa. In his
old age he was still sharp, his mind clear, though he could no longer walk and needed the help of
his servants to do most things.
Lexa had no choice but to respect him. His council oversaw the training of the Nightbloods, the
training of the Flamekeepers, and of the recruiters who were spread all over the lands looking for
Nightbloods. His council could also decide she was no longer a good fit for the Flame, and that
was probably the biggest threat any Commander could face.
“What progress have you made in discovering who executed the attack?” the old man asked, his
pale grey eyes staring at Lexa with barely concealed distaste.
“We have identified the attackers as Azgeda, though most of them are marked as banished.
Because of that we cannot officially classify them as members of the Azgedan army. They were
banished, so anyone could have ordered them to attack in exchange for any number of things. Food
or shelter, probably. It is also likely that whoever ordered the attack is trying to frame Azgeda for
it.”
“All I hear is that you do not know,” Jonah exclaimed, Lexa kept her head held high.
“I do not know for certain, no.”
“Your Coalition falls to pieces, half of the Ambassadors are gone, your Flamkeeper is dying, and
you are more concerned with mating a Skaikru omega. You failed to keep your Ambassadors and
the Flamekeeper safe, your Coalition now faces the distrust and the thirst for revenge of all the
Clans who were wronged in this attack, and you have been unable to properly direct that rage by
failing to find those responsible for the attack,” Jonah spoke slowly and calmly, the other council
members at his sides saying nothing and only staring at Lexa without daring to interrupt their
leader. “You have been distracted and this attack and its success is a result of that. Why should this
council refrain from deeming you unworthy of keeping the Flame?”
“Because there would be no Coalition to destroy if it wasn’t for me. I created the Coalition, I
maintain all the alliances that form it and I was not to blame for the attack and its success. Every
Ambassador that was there decided to be there, I didn’t order them to go to the Mountain, they
decided to go because they had their own agendas regarding the resources that lie within the
Mountain. If they hadn’t been driven by greed, they would have trusted me to handle the
negotiation with Skaikru, like the other half of the Ambassadors did, which is why they remained
here, safe under the protection of my warriors, exactly where the rest should have been,” Lexa said,
her voice unwavering and sure. “The same can be said for Titus. The Flamekeeper is not to leave
the capital unless the Commander is in mortal danger. He is supposed to leave only if I’m dying,
only if it is likely that he has to perform the ritual of taking the Flame and calling the Conclave, but
he insisted on going because he does not approve of my choice in a partner and because he
disagrees with the way I do things. His pettiness and distrust in my vision led to his current state
and I’m not to blame for that.”
Jonah stared back at her for a long second, not saying anything.
“None of that erases the fact that an act of war was committed and you have not been able to
respond because you have failed to discover who ordered the attack. Your inaction makes you look
weak. Someone needs to pay for the lives lost and you are doing nothing.”
“I will not let my actions be ruled by uncertainty or fear,” Lexa snapped, not even trying to hide her
anger. “My priority is stabilizing the Coalition, which won’t happen until all the Ambassadors are
replaced and I am able to properly communicate with all the Clan leaders. You are pushing me to
retaliate without a clear target and I refuse to do so. I will stabilize the Coalition and I will continue
trying to determine who is responsible for the attack before making any moves, that’s not doing
nothing and that’s not an act of weakness. That’s called being smart. And I won’t have you
questioning my worth when we both know that you cannot call for my replacement with the
Coalition being as unstable as it currently is.”
For long moments Jonah and Lexa did nothing but stare at each other, both unwavering and
unwilling to step back. Lexa knew that her priorities and theirs were very different, but she couldn’t
help but worry about how they were pushing her to attack. If she retaliated based on what she knew
she would have to go to war with Azgeda, and she didn’t know why exactly that was something the
Council was pushing for.
“We have appointed a Flamekeeper who will fulfill Titus duties while he recovers or in the event
of his death. Said Flamekeeper will be sent to the tower after sundown today. We expect you to
respect their position and to allow them to continue training the Nightbloods. We also expect you
to find who was responsible for the attack before the Clans decide all on their own. Are we clear?”
“Yes,” Lexa said, knowing they really had nothing on her.
“It goes unsaid that this council does not approve of your decision of taking a mate,” Jonah said
then, Lexa clenched her jaw.
“Who I decide to spend my life with is none of your concern.”
“If we decide that having a mate is keeping you from properly fulfilling your duty, we will not
hesitate to take action and find a new vessel for the Flame. Understood?”
Lexa’s jaw worked from side to side, her eyes burning into Jonah’s own as she let her anger be
clearly perceived.
“Understood.”
Without another word, Lexa turned her back on the Council and left.
……………………..
“Jackson is elbows deep in someone’s gut,” Clarke said as she leaned on the doorframe of Raven’s
room.
“Why is that any of my concern?” Raven asked. She knew Clarke was trying to be better, she still
couldn't help but feel extremely angry whenever the blonde was close by.
“Because my mother planned to send a traveling party to Polis and Jackson was supposed to be in it
as the Commander’s doctor. The traveling party needs to leave soon if they want to make it before
dark, he is nowhere near finished with what he is doing, my mother can’t go because she is our
leader and she is needed here, so that only leaves-”
“You,” Raven said, having caught the problem. Clarke was going to see Lexa before she did. Life
couldn't possibly get any more unfair.
“Yes, I’m sorry. I can tell my mother I’m not going if that’s what you want,” Clarke said.
“Your refusal to go to Polis has already given me enough problems, Clarke,” Raven shot back,
venomous as ever. The blonde flinched. “You will go and you will make sure she’s okay and as
soon as you know you will reach out and tell me all about it.”
“Okay, is there something you want me to give her for you?”
“I do. Come back here before you leave, I have been working on a package for her for a few days
now. It’s not quite done but I can have it ready for you,” Raven said, Clarke nodded.
“Sure, we are supposed to leave within the hour, I have to pack too, so when I’m done I’ll come
by.”
Raven only nodded, turning her back on Clarke.
…………………………..
The trip to Polis felt awfully fast to Clarke, one second she was in Arkadia and the next she was
standing in front of the Commander’s room. She heard the guards knock on the wood and
announce her presence to the occupants of the room, a moment later Lexa was shouting from the
inside.
“Enter!”
Clarke held tight onto her medical bag, moving inside once the guards pushed the doors open for
her.
“Clarke,” the Commander said, hands clasped behind her back and chin tilted up. “The Chancellor
mentioned you were sent to give me a check up.”
“Yes, Jackon got caught in an emergency surgery so I was sent instead. It shouldn’t take too long,
she just wants to know how you are progressing.”
Lexa nodded, the blank expression on her face making Clarke even more nervous than she had
already been.
“I have a gown for you, here,” Clarke said, offering the garment to Lexa. The Commander didn’t
say anything about it, she had probably had enough check ups to know that she had to take her
clothes off and put the gown on instead.
What Clarke forgot was the grounders’ lack of care over nudity, she turned around fast when she
noticed that Lexa started to undress right where she stood in front of her.
“I’m ready,” Lexa said once she was done changing, sitting down on a chair by her map table.
Clarke approached her slowly, placing her bag on the floor and opening it. She took out the
stethoscope first, placing her hand lightly on Lexa’s chest to hear her breathing.
“Take a deep breath for me, please,” Clarke asked softly, the Commander did as told at once,
repeating the same request over and over. “Is there any pain?”
“Yes, though it is minimal.”
“Let me see your chest, please,” Clarke asked once more, letting Lexa open the front of her gown
on her own. Clarke noticed she hadn’t taken off her chest bindings. The blonde saw the residual
bruising over the Commander’s ribs, the skin colored a pale yellow instead of the dark purple and
red from before. She rubbed her hands, making sure they were warm and letting the Commander
see what she was about to do before actually doing it. Clarke only allowed her hands to touch the
Commander’s skin when the alpha offered her a court nod.
“Does it hurt to the touch?” the blonde asked.
“Not exactly, I would say it feels tender, sensitive, but I wouldn’t say I'm in pain.”
“Good. Have you gone back to training?” Clarke asked, even if she already knew the answer to that
question.
“Yes. I get short of breath quicker than before.”
“That’s normal while your body recovers, with time you will be able to perform as you did before,”
Clarke responded, the Commander only nodded back at her, keeping her eyes on some point on the
wall over Clarke’s shoulder. “Okay, I’ll take a look at your calf now. Lift it here, please.” Clarke
said, patting the surface of a chair. Lexa did as told at once, pulling her gown a little higher so
Clarke could see properly.
“The incision seems to have closed correctly, there’s some swelling though,” Clarke said, frowning
slightly as she touched around the wound. “You stopped using the cane early, didn’t you? You
probably didn’t ease up on your training either.” Lexa didn’t bother with a response and Clarke
knew then that she was right.
“Does it cause you significant pain when you put your weight on it?”
“No, the pain has faded with time and I’ve been taking the medication I was ordered responsibly.”
“Taking the medication without letting your body rest will do nothing but make you heal at a
slower rate.”
“I can’t afford to slow down right now.”
“I know, I just worry you will injure yourself,” Clarke said, not realizing how loaded her statement
was until she felt Lexa’s eyes fall on her own.
“I swore I would protect your people and I intend to keep my word, your worry is uncalled for.”
“My worry is not related to my people,” Clarke stated, taking her hands off Lexa’s leg and taking a
step back. “I care for you and I want you to be safe. I know my behavior hasn’t been expressing
that and I would understand if you didn’t believe me. I was cruel to you because I was in pain and I
wanted you to feel as awful as I did. That was not right.”
“I was already in pain, Clarke,” Lexa said, voice low and void of emotion. Clarke couldn’t detect
anything in her voice, she couldn’t see anything in her eyes either. Whatever she was feeling she
didn’t want to share it with Clarke, she realized that before everything Lexa had allowed Clarke to
see her, to be vulnerable in front of her. She had lost that privilege. “You are wrong if you think I
didn’t tear myself apart by leaving you there. In a matter of weeks I had become weak for you and
by leaving you there I felt like I had killed you with my bare hands. I was already hurting because I
knew I had forced you to turn into me. I tried to make it better, I tried to be better and that didn’t
mean anything to you.”
“I was wrong and I have no excuse and I’m sorry, Lexa,” Clarke whispered, blue eyes full of water.
“I wasted time being petty and resentful, and because of that I missed any chance I had with you.
That will always be my biggest regret.”
Lexa didn’t say anything, she only looked back at Clarke, if the blonde’s words provoked
something inside of her she didn’t let it show.
“I can’t forgive you, not now. Not when I’m still hesitant about touching Raven sometimes, not
when she still has nightmares about me being executed for something I didn’t do. I felt disgusted,
Clarke, I wanted to crawl out of my own skin… I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror and
I… I would have turned myself in to be executed if I hadn’t gotten sick first,” for the first time
since they started talking Lexa had to look away. Clarke could see how her face was contorted into
a grimace. “For most of my life I have been a killer, so I have always thought myself a monster, but
this… to believe I had violated Raven in such a way… that was more than I could handle. And to
think she thought and felt about me the way I felt about Queen Nia…” Lexa let out a stuttered
breath. Clarke’s tears hung by the tip of her chin. “It shattered me, Clarke. And that’s all I see
when I look at you. I need time, that’s all.”
“I understand, and it’s okay if this is something you find yourself unable to forgive. I just wanted
you to know I am sorry, truly, and that I am going to do my best to make things better in whatever
way I can.”
“Okay,” Lexa said simply, unable to offer anything else. Clarke wiped her tears away and offered
the alpha a small smile.
“Raven asked me to bring you something, why don’t you change while I bring it over?” Clarke
mentioned, not waiting for a response before she walked out of the room.
………………………
Lexa made sure to be on her own and to tell her guards she didn’t want to be disturbed. She wanted
to open the box Raven had sent for her in peace.
She sat on her bed with the box and opened it, feeling like she was breathing for the very first time
when Raven’s sweet scent filtered in the air around her. At the very top of the box there was a letter
with her name on it. She reached for it, a smile pulling at the corner of her lips when she saw
Raven’s child-like handwriting.
My love,
I miss you and I love you.
I feel like that’s the most important thing I have to say. I miss you and I love you, and that’s all I
do, all day, every day. I know you are busy in Polis and I don’t want you to feel like I’m rushing
you to come back, I just want you to know that you are always on my mind and the thought of
seeing you again is what keeps me going every day, it makes me happy, makes me feel motivated. I
think about you and I feel happy, Lexa, I just needed to remind you of that.
I know the distance sucks so I sent you a few things to hopefully make it suck a little less. I’d like
you to reach inside the box for everything I mention as I mention it, so that it feels a little like we
are talking to each other.
First, there’s the book Stars and Planets. A Guide of the Universe…
Lexa picked up the book, it was thick and felt slightly heavy, she brushed the front cover with her
fingers before picking up the letter once more.
… I know you fall asleep quicker when I’m there to talk to you and tell you about the stars. So,
maybe, if you can’t reach me or if it’s the middle of the night and you don’t want to wake me
(which you can do), you can read this book instead. I’m hoping you hear my voice in your head
when you do, and like that it will be as if I’m right there with you. I made some notes in the
margins, details I want you to know and things the scientist that made the book got a little wrong. I
also made notes about things I find interesting. It’s an old book, I have had it since forever and I
hope you find comfort in knowing that for the last decade it has been in my hands.
Lexa smiled, her chest feeling impossibly warm as she clutched the book to her chest.
Next. is a bunch of cards tied with a piece of string, for when you are having a bad time and you
need something to make you smile. There are different kinds of cards in there, some are sweet,
some are funny, some are very inappropriate, but they will make you smile, I’m sure. Don’t read
them all at once, try to save them for when you need them. I’m already in the process of coming up
with more of them.
Lexa reached for the cards, untied the string and read the first one.
Hello, my vagina called. It wants you back.
A startled laugh escaped Lexa, her cheeks immediately heating up as her eyes widened. She shook
her head fondly, the message was so Raven. The Commander’s belly was fluttering with
butterflies, she hadn’t felt so light since she had left Arkadia. She wanted to read the other cards,
she wanted to read them all and then start over, she was sure they wouldn’t lose their effect, but she
also wanted to follow Raven’s instructions so she put the cards away.
Next, is the softest and heaviest blanket I could find. It’s a dark red that reminds me of fall. I know
you think I would look amazing in the fall scenery so I was hoping it would remind you of me, that
when you let the fabric cover your chest its weight will feel a little like my body feels when I fall
asleep wrapped around you. I cuddled with it for a couple of nights so my scent should remain on
it for at least a couple of days. I know it will keep you warm and that it’s very reassuring to me.
Lexa let the letter rest on her bed and reached to pick up the heavy blanket from the box. Raven’s
scent was deeply ingrained in the fabric so Lexa didn’t wait to wrap it around her shoulders and
bury her face into it. If she closed her eyes she could almost pretend that Raven was there, that they
were embracing. Her eyes watered and she let her tears fall, content and feeling so loved she didn’t
know what to do with herself.
The last gift is the best, in my opinion, this one took me a little longer to make but I think it’s pretty
cool. It's in the little wooden box, Lana got it for me by the way, she's been great as usual. Inside
the box there is a bracelet, it's composed of a black band and a small device on top. I have a
matching one so when you touch yours mine will vibrate and warm up and when I touch mine
yours will do the same. We will be able to feel each other in real time, we won’t have to wonder if
the other is okay, we will know with the bracelet. And with the tiny screen on top you can select a
color you want to send me along with your touch. I really hope you like it, maybe we can develop
little codes so we can send each other little messages via the vibration of the bracelet. The signal
also goes a very long way, so it doesn’t matter where you are, I will be able to feel you. I can’t
explain to you how much comfort that gives me. There’s only one little button at the side, press it
and count to ten for the device to turn on, it will immediately link with my bracelet. Eventually it
will run out of power, you can charge it by leaving it exposed to the sun for a while and then you
should be able to keep using it as usual.
Lexa opened the little box and stared at the bracelet for a few seconds, marveling at what it could
do and at Raven’s genius. She picked it up gently, already afraid to damage it and secured it around
her left wrist. She pressed the button like she was instructed to and after a few seconds a little line
of every color she could think of appeared on the device. Lexa wasn’t too sure what to do so she
tapped near where the green color was, instantly all the other colors disappeared until only the
green was left. After that, she touched the band three times, just to see if something happened. A
few seconds later her band shone bright red, warmed up and three small vibrations were sent back
to her. Lexa found herself grinning. She knew red was the color Raven had chosen for herself and
that the vibrations she felt were the omega responding to her message. Raven was okay and now
they were connected.
I miss you, gorgeous, and I miss seeing your face so fucking much. I know you need to be in Polis
and I need to be where you are, so I’m working hard to get back to you soon.
I love you and I’m longing to see you.
Yours,
Raven.
Lexa reached for her radio, she at least needed to try to talk to her love.
“Raven?” the alpha spoke into the radio.
“Hey, baby, I got your message. Did you like my package?” Raven asked, her voice light and
loving, Lexa felt her throat close with emotion.
“I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Raven. This is… I never thought… I- I feel loved and I feel
happy and grateful. Thank you, Raven,” Lexa struggled to say.
“I know this is hard for both of us, baby, I’m happy I can make you feel just how much I love you
through the distance. Nothing is quite like the real thing, but I’m sure leaving felt as awful to you
as staying felt to me, so… I just wanted to remind you that I love you,” Raven said softly. Lexa
didn’t try to stop the tears that slipped down her cheeks. She smiled and tightened the blanket
around her shoulders.
“I feel it and I love you more.”
“Not that again, Lexa!” Raven exclaimed with a laugh.
“I loved you first, Raven, that’s just how things happened,” the Commander said, hearing the
omega grumble through the radio.
“You did, you did,” Raven said, fondly. “You win there, okay, I admit defeat.”
“I wish I could hold you right now,” Lexa whispered.
“Me too,” Raven whispered. A second later Lexa’s band lit up red, a long vibration came next, it
wasn’t short like the first ones, it went on and on like it would never stop. Lexa smiled to herself,
waiting for it to stop before sending one back to Raven.
“That’s code for a hug, then,” Lexa said.
“Yes, it can be. What about I love you? Three taps?” Raven asked.
“Four,” Lexa responded. “We can use three for I miss you.”
“Why four though?”

Lexa prepared herself for a confession.
“Ai hod yu in, it means I love you in trigedasleng. I used to do it before, when I felt like I couldn’t
tell you how I felt. I would just do it on your skin. Four taps with my hand in whatever part of your
body I could reach.”
“Lexa…” Raven trailed off, shocked. “I’m sorry, baby, I don’t think I noticed. Forgive me.”
“No, no. It’s not something you should apologize for. You probably felt it but you couldn’t
possibly know what it meant. I must have been a random gesture to you. Sometimes I felt like I was
choking with the words, like I couldn’t breathe. I needed to say it, somehow, even if you didn’t
know what it meant, it made things easier for me.”
“I’m sorry it took me so long to be ready to hear you say it,” Raven whispered, she sounded sad
and regretful and that was the last thing Lexa wanted.
“There’s nothing to apologize for, there’s not a timeline on feelings. We are here now, together,
and that’s all that matters-”
Someone knocked on Lexa’s door, the sound was loud enough for Raven to hear it through the
radio.
“I’ll leave you to it, baby. Reach out when you can, yeah?”
“I will. I love you,” Lexa said, her hand tight around the radio.
“I love you, too.”
…………………………
“Considering that I asked you to come to the capital, it took you a long time to finally come and see
me.” The woman stood in the shadows, Lexa could barely see her.
“I am being watched closely by the council, it was hard to get rid of my guards long enough to
secretly leave the tower. I have been trying to protect your identity, I would have come sooner if I
had been able to.”
Echo only hummed in response.
“What was so urgent that you had to send a rider for me in the middle of the night?”
“It’s about the attack. King Roan worries about how the whole situation looks, there are talks from
the neighboring clans, they are threatening to cut off the trade routes unless someone claims
responsibility for the attack that had their ambassadors killed. The people will starve without the
trade, but Kind Roan can’t claim responsibility for the attack-”
“I already know he didn’t order it, if I had any suspicion on him he would have been forced to
come to the capital already,” Lexa said, visibly surprising Echo. “Do you have any information on
who actually ordered it or did you come all the way here only to tell me this isn’t on Roan?”
“There are murmurs along the land, rumours about Ontari forming a secret army. It is said that she
has been talking about Roan, how he rose to power by losing a duel against you, how he didn’t
retaliate about the murder of his mother and Queen. The Azgeda find the way he became King
shameful, and Ontari is taking advantage of that. He has been trying to calm the people, to sway
them in his favour, but it is hard. We haven’t actually caught Ontari doing anything she can be
punished for, until we have proof our hands are tied, and we can’t have her assassinated because
she is a nightblood,” Echo explained, what she said aligned with Lexa’s suspicions. She had always
known that the attack was the result of someone trying to force the Conclave, maybe even start a
war.
“Why does she need to remove Roan from power to force the Conclave? Why not just ally with
him?” Lexa asked, thinking out loud. She wasn’t really asking Echo, but the spy answered anyway.
“She’s forming an army, but there are warriors still loyal to the crown. She needs to take the throne
so she has enough power to call the army into battle, with the forces she has managed to gather so
far she wouldn’t be able to do much,” Echo said, “And as far as I have heard, she blames him for
Nia’s death, she thinks he was useless in battle and that he should have never lost to you.”
“Why become an enemy to the other Clans? She could have sent an assassin after me, instead she
had half of the Ambassadors killed. Half of the Clans want to move against Azgeda now, even if
the attackers were banished, it doesn’t matter to them.”
“Well, I haven’t heard anything about that and I don’t know what her reasoning is. I have told
every piece of information I’ve managed to gether.”
“Maybe she wants them to attack, maybe she wants someone else to kill Roan. Maybe she doesn’t
want to make enemies of those who are loyal to the King,” Lexa said, speaking more to herself
than to Echo. “That without mentioning the benefits of destabilizing the Coalition.”
“You are saying the other Clans could turn against you?”
“They have done so in the past, what stops them from doing it now that they have actually been
provoked?”
“You think we will go to war then?” Echo asked, squaring her shoulders and tilting up her jaw,
getting ready to fight.
“If Ontari takes power in Azgeda we certainly will. Tell Roan I wish to speak to him, I’ll meet him
at the border between your capital and Trikru Territory. Travel fast, tell him I will be there as soon
as I can. One week, two at most. Don’t let anyone catch you.”
“I haven’t so far,” Echo said, giving the Commander a respectful nod and jumping swiftly on her
horse before riding away.
Chapter End Notes
Did you guys like it? Did I bore you to death? I truly hope not!
Let me know what you think in the comments and remember to take a look at my new
work in progress, it's called She Built a Home (For you, For me), yes, I have a theme
going.

Chapter 20
Chapter Notes
So, I had a shitty day. I'm bad at getting out of shitty days so I know I won't be in the
mood to attempt editing this anytime soon. Because of that I decided to just update
what I had instead of endlessly delying the update. All mistakes are mine but I still
hope you enjoy this.
Thank you for your lovely comments, forgive me for not answering them. Believe that
I read them and they make my day better.
Thank you for sticking around with me.
“How is she?” Raven asked, knowing that she would get a trustful answer from Clarke.
“Better, she is healing well. She’s probably still feeling sore but she is not having trouble breathing
and her limp is less pronounced. I noticed some swelling in her leg, but that’s not a surprise
considering how much activity is going on here.”
“That’s good,” Raven said, her relief almost palpable in her voice. “I was worried she wouldn’t
take good care of herself having left Lana with me.”
“She’s doing okay as far as I can see. I can tell she’s not sleeping well but that’s not something I
can help her with. The distance between you two is probably starting to take effect,” Clarke
responded. Raven sighed, she had been having trouble sleeping too, so she wasn’t surprised to hear
that Lexa was having an issue with sleep as well, especially because she had spent more than one
night talking to Lexa well into the night.
“Yeah, I hope she comes back soon. Abby hasn’t cleared me to travel yet.”
“Maybe it’s better that way,” Clarke said and Raven frowned, getting ready to give the blonde a
piece of her mind.
“Polis doesn’t feel safe right now, Raven. It feels tense. It feels like a fight is going to break out at
any second. The security at the tower was doubled, same with the Nightbloods and the
Commander. The warriors are on edge, there has been more than one accident because of it,”
Clarke said in a whisper. Raven heard the rustling of clothes on the other end of the radio and a
door close, probably Clarke locking herself somewhere to keep their conversation private.
“Yesterday a fight broke out between the warriors in Lexa’s personal guard, apparently none of
them knew where she was. They all started blaming each other for having lost sight of her and
most of them ended up in the infirmary having to get patched up. When Indra heard no one knew
where Lexa was she lost it too, threatening to dispose of the guards for their lousy job. She was
about to order a search when Lexa showed up. No one knows how she did it, but suddenly she was
there. It’s just a mess here, Raven, I understand why you want to be here but I honestly don’t think
you should come, not right now.”
The only thing Raven had heard was that Lexa had left the tower without the warriors that were
meant to protect her.
“Lexa doing idiotic things like leaving the tower without protection means that my presence in
Polis is needed desperately, Clarke.”
“Something is going on, and I don’t think getting in the middle of it is the best idea.”
“Whatever it is, I need to be there for her. I have to be there, Clarke. I need to talk to her. Let me
know if you hear something else.”
“I will. Goodbye, Raven.”
…………………………………….
“Lexa, what is this I hear about you leaving the tower without your guards?”
“My love- How- I- How did you know that?” Lexa asked, clearly at a loss of words.
“That hardly matters, Lexa. What were you thinking? You could have gotten hurt,” Raven said,
sounding more than a little frustrated.
“This was important and I don’t know who I can trust. Believe me, love, it was safer for me to go
on my own,” Lexa explained, “I wouldn’t lie to you. Trust me, I wouldn’t put myself recklessly in
harm's way, if I had thought it unsafe I wouldn’t have done it.”
Raven breathed in deeply, feeling a little annoyed at how Lexa could just drain the anger right out
of her with just a couple of words.
“I trust you, I just… knowing that you were out there on your own frightens me. If you had gotten
hurt no one would have found you, something could have gone wrong.”
“Nothing went wrong, I promise. You need to trust that I can take care of myself. I know that I
don’t have the best record when it comes to staying safe but you need to believe that I will do my
best to go back to you and I wouldn’t jeopardize that by doing something foolish.”
Raven sighed, nodding to herself and trying to let some of her anxiety go.
“Okay, I trust you.”
“You don’t have to say that, I know that I have scared you more than once.”
“You have, but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe you. I trust your feelings for me and I know what
you want for us. I know you wouldn’t just leave me without a fight.”
“You don’t know how relieved I am to hear that,” Lexa said and Raven heard her let out a heavy
breath on the other end of the radio.
“How are you? I’ve heard things are tense in Polis.”
“I’m okay, tired. I just miss you, can’t quite sleep properly without you by my side, but I’m trying
to stay well-fed and to get at least a few hours of rest,” Lexa said, admitting more than she usually
would. Raven was glad that she was comfortable speaking about things that her people would
consider weakness without fear of judgment from Raven.
“I understand, it is the same for me, do you think more symptoms of mate sickness will start to set
in?” Raven asked.
“It is likely, but I told Lana to find you the medicine our people make if she noticed you were
starting to feel unwell,” Lexa responded and Raven felt warmth pool in her stomach, of course,
Lexa had already thought about the best ways to keep her safe and healthy.
“What about you?”
“I’m tempted to let the sickness run its course without the medication,” Lexa whispered shily. She
sounded fearful of Raven’s reaction, the omega couldn’t understand why.
“Why is that?” Raven asked, trying to keep her tone even.
“Last time I got mate sick I had hallucinations… I thought it was just the lack of sleep, but turns
out it was mate sickness. I want to know if she will appear again.”
Raven didn’t need Lexa to explain who she was.
“Lex…” Raven whispered, knowing they were entering a very sensitive subject. “I understand why
you want to see her, I do, I just feel like it isn’t safe to be sleep-deprived and hallucinating with the
way things are now.”
“I know, love, I just didn’t get to thank her… she got me back to you,” Lexa’s voice was as gentle
as it could possibly get and Raven felt her heart ache in her chest.
“You don’t need to get yourself sick for that, baby. She’s listening, remember?”
“Oh,” Lexa said as if the thought hadn’t crossed her mind. “I’m sorry, it’s hard to get my mind
around that sometimes.”
“It’s okay, I can always remind you.”
“How are you? How is your recovery going? Are you feeling better?” Lexa asked, seemingly done
with the subject.
“My head feels much better, I still get these shooting pains at times. Migraines, I think, but they
are coming less and less frequently. My leg is getting better slowly too, it has taken a while to get
mobility back but I’m hoping that soon I can stop using the crutches, or at least move to a cane.”
“That’s great to hear. I’m happy to know you are feeling better. Has Lana been enough help? I can
send you more help, someone that knows more about injuries such as yours, a healer maybe.”
“Lex…” Raven chastised with a smile on her face, she hoped Lexa could see it. “You had a
bathhouse built for me and you had Lana stay with me. She follows me everywhere, she helps me
with everything. She takes good care of me, I am well taken care of, you don’t need to worry. I
have Abby too, and O… You are the one that worries me, you are the one that’s all on your own
dealing with that mess.” Raven didn’t know exactly when it happened, but somewhere during her
rant, she started getting really frustrated.
“Ray-” Lexa whispered, the sole use of the nickname making a deep current of longing run down
the Mechanic’s spine.
“No, no, I’m supposed to be there to take care of you, to watch your back! We are together, we are
supposed to be looking out for each other, but instead, you are dealing with everything on your
own and taking care of me in the distance and I’m sitting here, useless. Do you even believe me
when I tell you that I love you? How do you believe me when I can’t even show you?” She didn’t
notice when she began crying, but she could feel a deep ache in her throat and the way her chest
felt so awfully tight. Surprisingly, her tears were the last thing she noticed.
“Hey, hey, shh,” Lexa said at once. “Of course I believe you when you tell me you love me. You
show me all the time, in the ways you can, and that matters to me. What about the amazing
package you just sent me? Or all those nights you stayed up late when I had trouble sleeping? Or
just the way you are always there when I need to talk to someone… I am not insecure about your
feelings for me. I feel warm inside, all day, every day, and that’s because I know you are there for
me.”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m getting like this. I promise I’m okay, I just feel so
useless over here,” Raven rushed to say, knowing that having an emotional outburst like that would
only worry Lexa more.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to apologize, just try to remember that useless is not a word I could ever
associate with you. We’ve been apart for some time now and our bond has been getting stronger,
it’s okay if we start feeling a little more unstable without the other,” Lexa said. Raven frowned,
confused.
“You think this is a symptom of mate sickness?”
“Maybe. I’m not really sure. When I went through this with Costia… we just- I don’t remember us
being too far from the other. I don’t remember experiencing the worst symptoms of mate sickness
until she was taken…” Lexa trailed off, her voice strained. Raven didn’t need to see her to know
where her mind was taking her.
“We don’t need to talk about this,” Raven said softly, trying to be reassuring.
“I know… I just… You don’t have to apologize for your feelings, ever. I feel honored that you feel
safe enough to share them with me. If you are upset, that’s okay, I know you were trying really
hard to be strong for me when I left, I know you are still doing so… but I don’t want you to carry
that burden.”
Raven stayed quiet, knowing that anything she said would just have them going in circles. If she
couldn’t be strong for Lexa then what else did she have to offer?
“You are my love, Lexa, anything I’m able to offer you is not a burden, it’s a privilege.”
Raven heard Lexa release a loud and shaky breath.
“You can’t say things like that,” Lexa said. A smile immediately pulled at the corner of Raven’s
lips.
“That’s my line, Heda Lexa, you didn’t strike me as a thief,” Raven said, teasing and playful. She
could almost hear Lexa smiling on the other end of the radio.
“I suppose you are right, Raven, you are the thief, taking my heart and consuming my thoughts.
How can you live with yourself after committing such crimes?” If Raven had Lexa in front of her
she would step into her space, barely touching her. She would look down at her lips and allow their
noses to brush for the tiniest second. She would tilt her head back to meet Lexa’s eyes and allow
herself to fall into the emerald depths. She would allow Lexa to lean forwards only to move back at
the last possible second, teasing her and making the Commander so frustrated that she would have
to grab Raven by the waist and pull her hard against her chest, fitting their mouths together and
kissing her until their lungs ached.
But Lexa was not in front of her, Raven realized, blinking her fantasy away from the forefront of
her mind and shaking her head.
“Yeah, even when I try to tell you sweet things you still manage to come out as the cheesiest one
between the two of us,” Raven managed to say, Lexa chuckled.
“I’m very in love with you, Raven, I have nothing but sweet words for you. Honest words,” Lexa
quickly reminded her.
“I know, baby, I know.”
“Good.” Lexa breathed out. Hesitating before speaking again, Raven knew nothing good could
come after that. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“What is it?” Raven asked, already frowning.
“I’m going to be away from the capital for some time. I don’t know if the radio signal is going to
reach so far, so I’m letting you know now. You shouldn’t worry if you can’t reach me.”
“That sounds bad, that sounds very bad,” Raven said, feeling anxiety building in the pit of her
stomach.
“It isn’t, I promise. It will be a short visit, I’ll spend more time traveling than anything else.”
Raven sighed, seeing no point in asking where Lexa was going. She knew that it probably wasn’t
safe to disclose such information over the radio.
“Keep your band on, okay? I want you to check in with me every night and every morning. If I
don’t hear back from you I’m going to go there, Lexa, and don’t even try to convince me
otherwise.”
“I know how to choose my fights, my love. I’ll gladly use the band to check in with you as often as
I can. Just please, try not to worry,” Lexa said. A moment later Raven’s wrist band was warming
up, green light shining as a long pulse vibrated through her wrist. She waited a moment for it to
pass and then mimicked the gesture, sending a hug back to Lexa. “I’ll be leaving early tomorrow
morning. Should I wake you to say goodbye?”
“Of course, I’ll be offended if you don’t.”
“Okay,” Lexa whispered. “I love you, my Chosen.”
“Don’t call me that when you are not here for me to kiss you,” Raven responded immediately,
feeling a chill going down her spine. The longing she felt in the center of her chest was becoming
painful, heavy. It seemed to drag her down, making her shoulders hunch.
“Okay,” Lexa said, sighing. “I love you, Raven.”
“And I love you, Lexa. Come back to me in one piece.”
“I’ll do my best,” Lexa promised.
“I know.”
…………………….
“How long has she been like that?” Octavia asked as she watched Raven sitting at her desk, staring
at her wristband.
“She has been doing that since Heda left for her travels. With every day that goes by her time
staring at the band becomes longer and longer,” Lana said, sitting by Raven’s bed with a book in
hand.
“I can hear you. I’m not completely deaf!” Raven said, visibly annoyed. “I’m not staring, I’m just
waiting for Lexa to send me the signal.”
“What signal?” Octavia asked, confused.
“The one that tells me she is not dead in a ditch somewhere,” Raven snapped, her hands curled into
fists as she turned her eyes back to the band.
Octavia and Lana shared a look. Right then, they saw Raven’s band light up, a smile stretched
across the Mechanic’s face and she was quick to tap back a response.
“Rae, there’s no way this is healthy. Lexa wouldn’t want you to stay here, obsessing about her
instead of-”
“You don’t get to talk to me about her! She’s out there trying to stop a war and we are here doing
nothing!” Raven cried out, standing up with a wince and letting out a shout of frustration as she
reached down to place a hand against her hip.
“Hey, hey, I know you are in pain,” Octavia said, moving closer to Raven and bringing her in for a
hug. “I know you miss her and I know she is in danger out there. I’m just worried about you.”
“I haven’t talked to her in days, I can’t do this, O,” Raven whispered, her rage evaporating into
nothing.
“Heda will be back any day now, Raven,” Lana whispered. Raven felt the way of her hand on her
shoulder. The omega stepped out of Octavia’s embrace, turning to look at the handmaiden with a
hopeful glint in her eyes.
“Do you promise?” the omega whispered, her eyes watery and sad. The handmaiden smiled, giving
her hand a squeeze.
“Yes, I promise.”
Raven didn’t know how Lana could possibly know that Lexa would be back soon, but she had
nothing else, so she decided to believe her.
A couple of days later, Lana’s words rang true.

………………..
Raven had never experienced a deja vu, not quite as clearly as she did at that moment, at least.
She had been in her room when her radio came to life, Miller’s voice telling her that grounders
were entering the perimeter. She hadn’t heard from Lexa in days, but Lana had promised that she
would be back soon. Their only form of communication was the small signals they sent each other
through their wristbands.
Four taps - Ai hod yu in - I love you.
Three taps - I miss you.
Two taps - I’m okay.
One sustained tap - An embrace.
Those little signs they sent each other were the only thing that kept Raven from going insane after
the distance between them became big enough for their radios to stop working. And even if it was
reassuring, nothing would ever compare to hearing Lexa’s voice.
So she stood in the watchtower, just like she had when it all began. She watched the rainfall and
reached for her binoculars, bringing them up to her face to try and catch a good glimpse at the
grounders that were entering their territory. Raven didn’t have to watch for long. She caught a
glimpse of red in a sea of black and shoved her binoculars in Miller’s face, shouting at him to open
the gate.
She held tightly onto her crutches as she made her way down the watchtower and onto the muddy
ground. She was barely aware of Lana, following after her, making sure to be close enough to catch
Raven if she were to fall by slipping on the muddy ground with her crutches.
The gate opened, Raven felt her breath catch in her chest. She met Lexa’s eyes from across the
field, she watched the Commander’s face fill with joy, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips as
she kicked at her horse’s sides, ordering it to go faster than it already was.
Lexa didn’t wait for her horse to stop moving, she swung her legs over the side and landed steadily
on strong legs. The impact sent mud splashing all over her boots but the Heda didn’t seem to care.
In three long strides, Raven was within arms reach. All the words Raven wanted to say suddenly
deserted her mind, she dropped her crutches and before she could take even one step, she found
herself being pulled into Lexa’s hold.
A familiar hand curled around her neck while the other wrapped firmly around her waist. Raven
didn’t have time to close her eyes. In seconds, Lexa’s lips were against hers. A startled moan fell
from her throat as she rushed to reciprocate. She threw her arms around Lexa’s shoulders as her
eyes fluttered closed. She could barely register the cold of the rain as warm lips continued to move
against her own, a firm palm moving up and down her back as Lexa traced her bottom lip with her
tongue, asking for entrance as Raven parted her lips just a little wider. They met in the middle and
the Mechanic felt her gut clench. That kiss was everything that she remembered and more. An I
love you was carried with every movement and an I missed you was passed with every shaky
breath that evaporated between them. Lexa was relentless, passionate as she buried her hand in
Raven’s hair, unraveling her ponytail as her hand settled on the back of her head, holding the
omega firmly and not letting go.
Another sense of deja vu came then, and Raven was reminded of the kiss they shared after she had
left Lexa in Polis. When Lexa had come back for her.
Lexa had come back for her. Again .
And she kissed her like she couldn't bear the thought of ever stopping, of not having Raven pressed
right against her, of ever letting her go. Raven felt her insides melt, her brow creasing with feelings
she couldn’t name as she held Lexa tighter against her chest, gasping into her mouth as they shared
breath after breath.
She felt Lexa smile into the kiss, each brush of lips becoming lighter and softer until they were
only sharing soft pecks.
“My love,” Lexa whispered with fondness in her voice. “My Chosen, you don’t know how much
I’ve missed you,” the Commander continued, resting her forehead against Raven’s.
Raven nuzzled her nose against Lexa’s, smiling as she cupped the Commander’s face in her hands.
“If you felt anything like I felt while you were gone, then I think I may understand,” Raven
responded, smiling against the alpha’s mouth as she pressed soft kisses against plump lips. “Let’s
get back to my room, yeah? I know you are not above giving a show when we have spent too much
time apart,” Raven said teasingly, watching the Commander’s cheeks flush at being reminded of
the time where she almost fucked Raven in front of a group of nurses.
“They would know to look away, I presume,” Lexa retaliated with a shy smile on her face.
“Lexa, come on, you are the most powerful alpha around. You are unmated and sexy and you were
pumping enough pheromones for all the omegas in the 13 clans to come and knock on our gates,”
Raven said, arching her eyebrows in disbelief.
“Their lack of self-control is not my problem,” Lexa said, tugging Raven closer to herself. “I will
kiss you whenever I want and wherever I want. It is my land, if anyone is bothered they can close
their eyes.”
“Still,” Raven whispered. “Maybe I don’t want anyone else to see you the way I’ve gotten to see
you.”
“Hmm, I suppose I don’t want anyone else to see you the way I’ve seen you either. Let’s go to your
room,” Lexa said and Raven tried to reach for the crutches she had dropped. “I’ve got you.” Lexa
picked Raven up in one swift movement, making the girl laugh and hold tight onto her shoulders.
“Lana, it is wonderful to see you again. Please make sure nobody bothers us,” the Commander
said, her eyes on the handmaiden.
“Of course, Heda,” she said, picking up the crutches and moving out of their way so Lexa could
walk inside the camp and towards Raven’s room.
Once they got there they helped each other take off their soaked clothing, not even bothering to dry
each other fully before they were falling into bed. Lexa laid on her side next to Raven, her hand
traced the omega’s body slowly as it traveled from shoulder to hip and from hip to thigh. She
couldn’t help but stop at the new raised scars on the omega’s body, the one on her side and the one
on her thigh. They looked healed, not reddened or swollen or uncomfortable, but they were still
unfamiliar to Lexa’s hands, not having been there the last time she got to touch Raven like that.
The omega could see Lexa getting lost in her head, her thoughts surely drifting towards the
omega’s injuries and how she was to blame for Raven getting them in the first place.
“Hey,” Raven whispered gently, hooking her finger under Lexa’s chin and tilting the alpha’s face
so they were looking at each other. “I’m fine, I promise. I’ve healed and I’m not in much more
pain than I was before. You don’t need to worry.”
Lexa sighed, leaning down to rest her forehead against Raven’s.
“I always worry and I’m sorry, Raven,” the alpha whispered.
“You weren’t responsible for the attack, Lex,” Raven reminded her but the alpha didn’t respond.
Raven knew she wouldn’t get anywhere by continuing in that path so she switched it up a bit.
“Why don’t you kiss it better for me?”
Lexa pulled away just to look into Raven’s eyes, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of her lips.
“I can do that,” Lexa responded, swinging her leg over Raven’s body so both of her knees were at
each side of the mechanic’s waist. “I’ll be gentle. Tell me if I’m hurting you, tell me if you want to
stop, and I will listen.” Raven nodded in response, already knowing that Lexa could never hurt her.
The omega closed her eyes, feeling impatient and anxious, her stomach tied into knots with the
anticipation of feeling Lexa’s lips on her skin. She realized that she had never been so nervous, not
even during their first time, but that first time didn’t matter. They didn’t matter to each other back
then and that made all the difference. Now it was different, Raven knew she was in love and she
knew she was loved back. She knew that the person that was looking back at her was it. She had
nothing to prove anymore, she didn’t need anyone to make her feel loved or validated or to make
her feel like she was enough. Lexa loved her for her and Raven was sure that was why she felt
feverish, her skin burning wherever Lexa touched her. Her breathing stuttered when she felt the tip
of a tongue trace the contour of a collarbone and soft lips suck love marks onto her flesh.
Lexa was kissing her everywhere, taking her time, not rushing anything, and paying attention to
scars both old and new. Raven felt the alpha’s fingers fit into the spaces between her ribs, nose
nuzzling gently against her belly button, lips pressing long kisses over her navel before hands came
down to part her legs. Raven felt Lexa shudder at the first whiff she caught of her scent, her eyes
locking onto Raven’s weeping center and struggling to decide if she would give in to her desire to
bury her face between Raven’s legs, or if she would continue moving lower in her quest to kiss
every inch of the omega’s skin.
The Commander, the picture of patience and self-restraint, turned her head away from Raven’s
cunt, placing her lips on the inside of the omega’s thigh before she changed her mind. Her lips
were gentle as they traced the newest scar on Raven’s thigh, her hands kind as they massaged the
opposite leg, kneading gently while they erased every trace of tension on the omega’s limbs.
Raven was all soft sighs and hums of content, feeling her gut clench every time Lexa’s mouth
locked around a particularly sensitive spot. She could feel herself start to drip, her opening
contracting around nothing as her pleasure continued to build.
“Lexa, please,” Raven begged, her voice hoarse as her hands tugged at the sheets under her body.
“I need you.” The alpha lifted her gaze, their eyes meeting for a second as she changed paths once
more, lowering her mouth towards Raven’s center without hesitation.
The omega’s hips buckled on contact, a sharp cry falling from her lips as Lexa sucked on her clit.
The alpha hummed in content, lips surely glistening with the omega’s wetness and sending
vibrations up the tight little bud. The sensation had Raven’s skin breaking into goosebumps, her
hands moving down to hold onto the back of Lexa’s head and keeping her firm against her cunt.
Her head fell back against the pillows, neck arching as her breast pushed up to the sky. Her toes
curled and a flush crawled up her chest, a cry of pleasure leaving her lips. Her channel kept
contracting for a few more moments, Lexa’s tongue continuing to move in and out as she helped
Raven ride the aftershocks of her climax, the tip of her nose gently nudging Raven’s clit.
Raven was just starting to catch her breath when Lexa crawled up her body, smiling down at her
with hooded eyes.
“I’ve missed the way you feel against my mouth,” Lexa whispered, bracing herself on her elbows
as she tilted her head down to kiss Raven. The omega smiled into the kiss, wrapping her arms
around Lexa’s strong shoulders and her good leg around the swell of her ass.
“I’ve missed the way all of you feels against all of me,” Raven responded, pulling Lexa closer so
their fronts were pressed tightly together. Chests, abdomens, and legs touching all at once. The
hardness of the Commander’s large member was made evident as it was tucked between the
omega’s legs. “I want you inside, my love.”
Lexa didn’t hesitate, one of her hands moving in between their bodies so she could align the tip of
her cock to the omega’s entrance. The omega’s body immediately responded, her entrance
contracting lightly around the head of the cock, leaving Lexa with a sucking sensation that had her
hissing against Raven’s mouth.
As promised, the Commander pushed inside of Raven with the utmost gentleness, driving her hips
forwards slowly so Raven could get used to the stretch of her girth once more.
The omega let out a sound that crossed between a gasp and a moan, her nails digging into Lexa’s
shoulders as she closed her eyes. It felt like her first time, her body had grown unaccustomed to the
way Lexa could fill her in their time of separation. Finally, after several moments of gentle
pushing, Lexa was fully sheathed inside of her. Raven felt full enough to burst, Lexa’s cock
stretching her to her limits as every minuscule movement managed to send a wave of pleasure up to
the tips of Raven’s hair.
Their lips met, as Lexa started moving her hips, thrusting deep and slow as she stole the breath
from Raven’s lungs. The omega’s back arched up, her pebbled nipples pushing against Lexa’s skin
as her hands freely roamed down the Commander’s muscular back. Raven’s fingers traced the dips
between each muscle and the indentation of the Commander’s spine until she felt the dimples at
her lower back right under her fingertips. Raven drew circles around them while her foot traced the
side of the Commander’s leg.
The sensual touches had the Commander quietly moaning against Raven’s lips, her thrusts coming
harder and harder with each second that passed. After a moment they gave up on trying to maintain
a kiss for more than a couple of seconds, breathing becoming harder as they lightly panted. The
bed under them rocking gently with each move of the Commander’s hips.
The alpha buried her face against the crook of the omega’s throat, Raven could hear her soft grunts
and feel the way she licked the salt of her skin. With a sharp roll of Lexa’s hips, Raven’s sight was
overcome by white. She was sure she had let out a shout, but the blood rushing in her ears hadn’t
allowed her to hear it. She felt Lexa’s hips stutter in their rhythm before she stayed still, emptying
herself fully inside the omega.
Raven’s hand caressed the Commander’s back from base to top, her palm settling on the back of
her neck.
“Good to know you haven’t lost your touch, Commander,” Raven said with a chuckle, waiting for
her sight to come back fully and for her heart to slow.
The Commander only huffed in amusement, rolling them over so she was on her back and Raven
was safely tucked against her side. The omega draped an arm around the Commander’s bare
abdomen, squeezing tightly as she dropped kisses over her chest. Lexa smiled, tilting her head
down to reciprocate the gesture on the omega’s head.
“Glad you found me satisfying enough, my love. You were lovely, as usual.”
Raven smiled up at Lexa, tracing her abs with her fingertips as she started feeling a little self-
conscious.
“I’m sorry I didn’t move much-”
“Raven,” Lexa interrupted, opening her palm fully against the omega’s back. “Don’t go there,
please. There’s nothing to apologize for.”
“Okay, I won’t say anything.”
“You could tell me everything you did while I was away. I know we lost signal for quite some
time, I’m sorry about that, I know you were worried.”
“It’s fine, the bands kept me sane,” Raven said, reaching out to touch the one on Lexa’s wrist.
“They are amazing. I drew comfort from knowing that somehow you were still with me, even in
the distance,” Lexa said as she smiled down at Raven.
“I can say the same,” the omega responded, hooking her finger under Lexa’s chin and bringing her
down into a kiss. “How did everything go with Roan?”
Lexa let out a deep breath and Raven felt kind of bad for staining their moment with such a
question, but she felt like she needed to know.
“He feels that someone else attacked and is blaming it on him,” Lexa said.
“And you believe him?” Raven asked, she was not inclined to believe the word of the Ice Queen’s
son.
“I don’t believe it was him, but I also don’t believe that Azgeda wasn’t involved.”
“So you think Azgeda is to blame, just not Roan directly?” Raven deduced. Lexa responded with
another question.
“Do you remember what happened before the attack?”
“We had really good sex right in this bed?” Raven offered, delighted at the sound of Lexa’s laugh.
She knew that wasn’t it but she wanted to lighten the moment a little bit.
“We did, yes, but I was actually referring to the meeting we had.”
“Sure, you called me your chosen for the first time in that meeting and almost killed the Sangeda
Ambassador.”
“Yes, exactly,” Lexa said as if that was answer enough. Raven pulled back slightly to look at
Lexa’s face properly. The Commander was looking at her expectantly as if she knew that Raven
would reach the proper conclusion on her own. Raven tried to clear her head and focus, which was
a little hard with Lexa as naked as she was right next to her.
The Sangeda. The same Clan that had challenged Lexa and almost broke them in the process. The
Clan that had called the Commander weak and then continued to antagonize her that day in the
meeting.
“You think the attack came from Sangeda,” Raven said, Lexa nodded.
“I think both Sangeda and Azgeda are involved. Most of the Ambassadors that came with us to
visit the Mountain got killed during the attack-”
“Minus the Sangeda Ambassador, you had banished him because of what he said in the meeting,”
Raven said, realization striking a moment later. “You think he got himself thrown out on purpose,
so he wouldn’t be there when the attack happened.” Lexa looked back at her with pride in her eyes,
the look alone was making the omega flush.
“Yes, that’s my current hypothesis.”
“But what do the Sangeda have against the Trikru?” Raven asked, the feud between Azgeda and
Trikru was old and deeply rooted, it made sense for them to attack, but Sangeda... Raven couldn’t
see their reasoning.
“Nothing against Trikru as a Clan. They have something against me,” Lexa responded, Raven’s
frown deepened. “Do you remember what the Ambassador said to me that day? The day I almost
killed him?”
“That it was offensive for you to choose a crippled omega as a mate when you could have chosen
their princess,” Raven responded right away, there was nothing that could erase those words from
her mind. She didn’t doubt Lexa or her feelings, but the self-doubt she would always feel, her
insecurities, they hadn’t quite disappeared. Raven was sure they never would.
“Sangeda is a powerful Clan, very prideful. Their King offered me his treasure, his daughter, the
heir to their throne, and I rejected her several times in the years that have passed since Costia died.
They never stopped trying to convince me to accept the princess as my mate but then-”
“I came along,” Raven cut in. “We were never subtle and when it became evident, to everyone but
us, that I wasn’t just the girl keeping your bed warm they-” Raven stopped, her mind spinning.
“They decided that they would find a Nightblood who would make their princess the Queen of the
13 Clans.”
“But all your Nightbloods are too young, some of them haven’t even presented yet,” Raven said,
confused. Lexa nodded along, waiting for her to get it. When Raven finally understood, she lost her
breath.
Oh.
Ontari.
“You have to be fucking kidding me!” Raven said, sitting up and wrapping her body with a blanket
to cover herself slightly. Lexa sat up against the head of the bed and grabbed a pillow to cover her
chest.
“The spy I met in Polis, before even talking to Roan, told me that Ontari was acting in secret,
gathering allies to overthrow Roan. She blames him for the death of the Ice Queen and some of his
people believe that his ascension to the throne was based on his failure to beat me in combat. They
believe it was a dishonorable way to ascend and the most radical ones believe that that calls for a
new ruler, someone more in line with their Queen’s agenda,” Lexa explained.
“Who better than the Nightblood she raised,” Raven said, feeling the beginnings of a headache
developing in the back of her eyes.
“Imagine the power they would have, controlling Trikru, Sangeda, and Azgeda. They would form
an unbeatable army,” Lexa said thoughtfully.
“They would eat us for breakfast, Lex. I doubt my people would even attempt to fight them, so
they would probably have our weaponry and technology at their disposal,” Raven added, wrapping
her arms around herself for comfort.
“They would, yes,” Lexa responded, reaching out to hold Raven in her arms.
“And you just thought about all of this?” Raven asked, looking up at Lexa with arched eyebrows.
“If you really think about it, all the clues were there. The challenge from Sangeda, how their
Ambassador brought up my rejection to their Princess. The fact that the bodies of the attackers had
Azgeda markings but were supposedly banished beforehand so we couldn’t really blame Azgeda
for the attack. What made it all clear for me was talking to Roan and my spy, the fact that their
Clan is hanging on the edge of an uprising that ends up with Roan losing the throne to Ontari. After
knowing that, the rest came easy,” Lexa offered, saying it all with such a simplicity that Raven was
surprised she didn’t add a shrug for good measure, but of course, the Commander didn’t shrug.
“My travels were long, I had time to think, and the information provided by Roan and the spy tied
it up together.”
“It’s like Marcus always says, you are a visionary,” Raven whispered, still in awe of Lexa and how
far her mind could reach. “Always 10 steps ahead.”
The Commander smiled in response, leaning forwards to bring the omega into a soft kiss.
“Thinking the worst is ingrained in me, it’s helpful for my role as the Commander, but with every
other aspect of life it just fuels my anxiety,” the Commander admitted. Raven pressed her forehead
against Lexa’s, reaching up with her hand to massage the back of her neck. “Of course, before you,
nothing other than my duty mattered so I hadn’t quite noticed how damaging it is for my mind to
always think about the worst possible scenarios.”
“A necessary evil,” Raven said, humming in understanding.

“I suppose so, yes.”
“Maybe I can help you find ways to manage it. To turn it down so that it doesn’t bleed into
everything,” Raven offered. Lexa’s face softened, her hand coming up to cover the one Raven had
placed on her chest.
“Would you do that for me?” the Commander asked shily, surely worried about burdening Raven
with her problems. “You don’t have to.”
“Of course I would. I want to,” Raven responded, looking almost offended by the question.
“Thank you, my love. It means a lot to me that you want to help.”
Raven leaned in to give her a kiss. It was soft and slow, meaning to be soothing more than
passionate.
“You are welcome. I love you.”
“I love you more,” the Commander responded. Raven threw her head back in frustration.
“Not again, Lexa!” She exclaimed with a laugh in her voice. That discussion of who loved who
more had sort of become their thing.
The Commander laughed. Raven could do nothing but kiss her again.
……………………………
“Raven, I’m surprised you are not still fucking with the Commander,” Octavia said crudely as she
walked into her room to find Raven there.
“Believe me, there’s nothing I want more, but she is in a meeting with the Council and we have a
proposal to prepare so… I need us to be ready, everything needs to be perfect.”
Octavia smiled, reaching out to place a hand on Raven’s shoulder.
“We both know how this is gonna end, wouldn’t it be better to skip the proposal and go straight for
the wedding,” the warrior suggested. Raven smacked her arm.
“No! We are not skipping steps. Lexa and I have done everything backward but that changes now.
She is gonna be my wife. Period.”
“Let’s go then,” Octavia said, offering the Mechanic her arm.
………………………….
“Lana, have you seen Raven?” Lexa asked as she made her way into Raven’s room to find it
empty. She had thought the omega would be meeting her for dinner.
“She is waiting for you outside, Heda. But there is no rush, you must take a shower and change
your clothes,” Lana responded, motioning with her hand towards the bathroom.
Lexa arched her eyebrows. She was used to giving Lana orders, not the other way around. The
handmaiden seemed to notice her tone and blushed hotly.
“Forgive me, Heda. You look wonderful as you are right now, but I have been instructed to have
you changed for the occasion,” Lana explained.
“Changed for the occasion? What occasion? Did I forget an important date for Raven?” Lexa said,
her eyes widening in worry and her hand coming up to rub at the back of her neck.
“No, Heda. There’s nothing important about this day at the time, but maybe in the future…” Lana
trailed off, smiling up at the Commander. “Would you please get into the shower? I will get your
clothes ready.”
“Okay,” Lexa whispered, moving towards the tiny Skaikru bathroom and taking off her clothes
before moving under the showerhead. She was pleased to notice that Lana had gotten her bathroom
essentials, her favorite soap, her favorite scented oils, and everything else she could think of, it was
there.
She showered thoroughly but quickly, stepping out of the shower and drying herself efficiently.
She stared at herself in the mirror for a second, she had never cared much about her appearance,
but it didn’t take much to notice how weary she looked. She sighed, rubbing her eyes for a second.
The shower hadn’t done much to erase the tiredness and the stress she felt building in her
shoulders.
“Heda,” Lana said, opening the door quite suddenly. Lexa didn’t bother covering herself. She just
let Lana guide her outside and towards the bed. She watched Lana lather her hands with a thin film
of scented oil before rubbing it gently over Lexa's neck and shoulders. It was one of her favorites,
scented like sandalwood and lemons. The Commander breathed in and tried to relax, letting the
handmaiden do her job.
Lana helped her with her chest bindings before offering her some undershorts and then offering her
each item of clothing. The pants were black and made with some of the softest fabric she had ever
worn. It was stiff and prone to wrinkling, inflexible, fighting on it would result in a tear, Lexa was
sure. She was thinking about how impractical the pants were when Lana passed her the shirt or
blouse? Lexa wasn’t sure about what she was looking at, but it was made with a lot of lace.
“Hmm, maybe it would be better if you took off your bindings, Heda,” Lana said, not waiting for
the Commander to say anything as she started to unbind her breasts. Lexa didn’t say anything and
put on the shirt/blouse thing that was being offered to her. “Okay, Heda, sit down so I can fix your
hair.”
The Commander did as told, missing her armor as she let Lana’s hand do what they wanted with
her hair. It didn’t take her long to notice the handmaiden was doing something other than her usual
braid style, it felt like only half her hair was being braided. She was about to say something when
Lana started talking.
“Heda, at some point during the night your Chosen will ask you a question. Her words and her
gestures might be unfamiliar to us, but the answer you want to give is yes,” Lana said and Lexa
frowned in confusion. She tried to twist her neck back so she could look at Lana, but the
handmaiden didn’t let her. Lana held gently onto her chin and forced her to face forwards. “Trust
me, Heda. You want to say yes to this question.”
“How will I know the question I’m supposed to say yes to?” Lexa asked then, feeling more than a
little confused. Lana finished her hair, letting it tumble in loose curls over one shoulder, and
moving to kneel in front of the Commander. Lexa looked into her eyes and felt immediately
grounded. It would be fine, Lana would never do anything to harm her or Raven.
“Trust me, Heda. You will know,” Lana offered her a smile and helped the Commander into a pair
of black boots. The Commander stood up and Lana handed her a black coat, long enough to touch
Lexa’s feet. It tightened around her middle, highlighting the soft curves of her waist before opening
up and flowing around her legs. Soft fur lined the coat and accents in green and silver were
embroidered around the neckline, which was just deep enough to reveal some of the lace
underneath. “Okay, Heda. Your Chosen awaits outside.”
“Outside where?” Lexa asked, frowning in frustration. She was getting tired of not knowing.
“You will know when you see it.”
Lexa sighed, not bothering to keep asking as she made her way outside.
…………….
Lexa knew exactly what Lana meant when she made her way past Arkadia’s gate. She saw the
torches first, four of them surrounded a table that was lit up with candles and that had a small vase
in the middle. Lexa smiled upon noticing that the vase held the wooden flower that she had given
Raven for her birthday.
A moment later she noticed Raven. Lexa felt her breath catch. The omega was wearing a dress. Its
color resembled that of Lexa’s sash and it was tied gently around the omega’s neck, leaving her
shoulders exposed. By letting her eyes roam, Lexa noticed that the omega’s back was completely
bare, too. The dress only covered her front and left the sides of her breasts exposed for Lexa’s eyes
to see.
Her hair was down, a sight so unusual that it had Lexa’s mind spinning. She struggled to focus on
only one thing, her eyes wanting to be everywhere at once before they landed on Raven’s own
eyes. The omega was looking back at her, her mouth curled into a shy smile, eyes wide and glazed
over, as if the whole experience was as mind-numbing to her as it was to Lexa.
“My love,” Lexa whispered, stepping further into the omega’s space and holding out her hand for
the other woman to take. “I- I have no words. You look fantastic.”
Raven’s hands closed around her and Lexa instantly moved closer, wrapping her free arm around
the omega’s waist, her hand opening over the naked skin of Raven’s lower back.
“You look quite fantastic yourself, Heda,” Raven whispered, her arms curling around Lexa’s neck.
She leaned forwards and Lexa felt the exact moment the tip of Raven’s nose nuzzled against the
side of hers. “I know you’ve had a busy day today and even longer and more tiring days of travel
weighing on you, but I thought that maybe you would like to have a date with me?”
“Of course,” Lexa responded immediately. “Always.” She leaned in for a kiss, taking Raven’s
mouth with her own and bringing her closer to her chest. She realized then that the omega was
keeping her balance on her own, her crutches nowhere to be seen. “My love,” Lexa said with
concern, letting more of Raven’s weight lean on her front. “Your crutches?”
“Hidden under the table,” Raven whispered. “I’m fine to stand for a bit, promise.”
“Okay,” Lexa responded, but still she pulled back from their embrace and pulled Raven’s chair out
for her. “Here.”
“Thanks, baby,” Raven responded, taking her seat happily. Lexa took her seat before reaching
across the table to take Raven’s hand in her own.
“This is very beautiful, Raven, thank you for doing all of this,” Lexa said with a smile, she could
see the effort, the consideration, and thought put into every detail. “What does our date consist of?
Dinner under the stars?” Lexa said, glancing at the clear sky and trying to judge the possibility of
rain.
“You are welcome,” Raven responded. “Can’t have you being the only one going all out with the
romantic gestures, can I?” Raven shot her a wink and Lexa smiled. “Our date includes dinner and a
movie, a classic in the Old World.”
“Movie? I love movies,” Lexa said, excited. She had only gotten to see a couple with Raven but she
always looked forward to more. Especially those that were based on books she had read. Those
were particularly interesting to watch, it was fascinating to see how they were different from what
she had imagined.
“I know and we haven’t watched this one, I’m sure you’ll like it,” Raven said as someone neared
their table. It was Lana, of course, holding a tray with two plates of food. She placed everything on
the tray on the table and left quickly.
Lexa’s mouth watered. She knew lamb when she smelled it. It was hard to come by, which was
why they most often had deer or smaller game animals like ducks or coyotes, or even rabbits.
Raven must have seen the look on her face because she smiled and started talking about the food.
“Lana was sure you were going to come back soon so she had the lamb brought in from somewhere
else, we did our best to keep it from going bad.”
“It’s my favorite,” Lexa said, gazing appreciatively at the fresh vegetables and fruit on her plate.
“And so Lana told me, in ways she knows you better than I do. Makes me kind of jealous,” Raven
said. Lexa looked up, worried, but when she met Raven’s eyes she could see that the girl was just
teasing her.
“She’s been dealing with me for a long time, you know I would never…” Lexa reassured.
“I know. She blushes often around you, though… It makes me wonder if she ever… you know,”
Raven said, shrugging.
“Really? I had never considered it,” Lexa responded, a piece of lamb halfway to her mouth.
“I would understand if that was the case,” Raven said, bringing a glass up to her lips. Lexa glanced
at her own glass, it was filled with wine. “You are quite gorgeous. And the way you carry
yourself… it's a wonder how anyone manages to listen to what you say, you can be quite
distracting.”
Lexa felt her cheeks heat up, she brought her glass up to her lips but the taste of the wine on her
tongue only managed to make the flush spread up to her ears.
“Raven,” Lexa said, trying to recover. “We both know I don’t hold a candle to you.” The omega
smiled and Lexa felt something in her stomach flutter.
“We are not competing and even if we were we both know you didn’t fall for me because of my
looks.”
Lexa almost choked. She coughed into a napkin and tried to wash down the lamb stuck in her
throat with some more wine.
“Hey, hey! I didn’t mean that as a bad thing,” Raven said, reaching over the table to hold Lexa’s
hand.
“You are beautiful, Raven. I’m sorry if I-”
“Hey, shhh. I wasn’t complaining. I just know that was not the first thing you noticed about me,”
Raven explained. “I think it's a good thing that you liked me for me first and then you noticed the
way I look. What did you notice first though? I’ve always been curious about that.”
Lexa cleared her throat, that answer was quite easy.
“I noticed that you cared when you didn’t have to. I noticed that you cared for me even when you
most hated me. After that, I noticed that you were smart and resourceful. And then I saw that you
were funny and that you often used this inappropriate manner of speech… After noticing those
things I noticed your smile and then-”
“My eyes,” Raven provided. Lexa smiled.
“Yes. I remember I was in the medbay recovering from the complications from appendicitis when
you came to see me. You had made me a projector because I had told you that the stars were the
last thing I wanted to see if I was going to die. You turned it on and suddenly constellations were
shining on your face, stars reflecting on your eyes…” Lexa trailed off, wondering if she had ever
revealed this to Raven before. She couldn’t remember, but the wonder on Raven’s face made the
retelling worth it. The omega’s expression was impossibly soft, her eyes kind and sweet as they
looked back at Lexa. “I knew then… I knew that I loved you.”
“I tried really hard to talk myself out of this, it was rather stupid. I was rather stupid,” Raven said
then. “You should have seen the looks Lana and O and even Abby gave me. They were sick of me
trying to believe what we had was just sex.”
“I understand why you tried so hard to avoid this, I do not resent you for that,” Lexa responded.
Raven tilted her head to the side, a look on her face that Lexa couldn’t quite name.
“You understand it was about me and not about you?” Raven asked. Lexa looked back at her,
chewing slowly to delay her response.
“I know what you are saying because you have mentioned it before, understanding it is another
thing on its own.”
Raven hummed, and Lexa could see on her face that she was deciding if she should push the issue
or not.
“Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, Lexa. I was just scared. Scared of not being
enough and scared of getting hurt. You didn’t put those feelings there and you didn’t fuel them
with your behavior, quite the opposite actually, so it really isn’t on you.”
“We both struggle with our worth and that’s okay. We have gotten better at saying what we are
thinking and how we are feeling. Yes, you struggled with your feelings but so did I. I could have
told you what I felt as soon as I was aware of it but I didn’t because I was scared, too. So you need
to know that if it took us a second to get where we are now it wasn’t just because of you,” Lexa
assured, the last thing she wanted was Raven to be blaming herself for something that was on them
both.
“Thank you, baby,” Raven whispered. Her eyes were on Lexa’s and her leg was moving to the
space between Lexa’s own. The gesture wasn’t lustful, it was just an attempt to get a little bit
closer with the bed between them.
They reveled in each other’s touch and presence, sharing sweet words and stories about their time
apart. They both tried to keep it light, both of them trying to keep away from heavy subjects. Soon
enough their food was gone and Lexa was moving her chair next to Raven’s, feeling tired of not
touching her. She curled an arm around the omega’s shoulders and brought her close to her side.
Raven cuddled against her chest and the Commander smiled, turning her head so she could press
kisses over the top of Raven’s head.
“Why don’t we go watch that movie?” Raven asked after a moment, her hand wandering up and
down Lexa’s thigh.
“Sure, whenever you are ready,” Lexa responded, reaching under the table to grab the omega’s
crutches. “Are you sure you want these? I can carry you.” Raven smiled but shook her head, taking
the crutches.
“I know you can but I feel like walking. Did I tell you that I will be switching to a cane soon? Abby
approved it and everything,” Raven mentioned as they made their way back into Arkadia.
“That’s fantastic,” Lexa said, shooting the other girl a small smile.
“Soon I’ll be able to go back to Polis with you.”
“There’s nothing that would make me happier. Are you completely sure that’s what you want?”
Lexa asked, just to make sure.
“Are you kidding? The food here is terrible, I’m dying to get away,” Raven said, teasing. Lexa
chuckled and shook her head.
“I’m sure that’s the only reason you want to come.”
“Sure it is,” Raven said, shooting the Commander a wink. “Here we are,” she said next and sure
enough they were standing at the door of Raven’s room.
Lexa stopped dead still as soon as the door was opened she didn’t understand what she was seeing.
“Raven?” She asked as she watched the formation of blankets and pillows that were in the middle
of the room, supported by the bed and some chairs that had been moved inside. The fort was lit up
by many small yellow lights that hung from its ceiling, filling the inside in low glowing light.
“It’s a blanket fort,” Raven said, her tone was unsure. Lexa could hear the nerves in her voice, the
omega worried about whether she would like what she was seeing or not. “There are a lot of
pillows and blankets inside and all around so it is cozy and warm, it’s small too so I thought it
would feel safe. I know you don’t really get to feel safe anywhere so I thought maybe you could
feel safe here with me,” Raven said, struggling a little with her words. Lexa felt her chest fill with
warmth. She turned to look at Raven and lost her breath. Her brown eyes were shining.
“The parts of me that matter have been safe with you for a very long time now,” Lexa whispered,
her bright green eyes looking deep into Raven’s own.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered. Lexa felt goosebumps spread down the back of
her neck at the sound of that particular line.
“It is the truth,” Lexa said, taking Raven’s hand and pressing it flat against the middle of her chest,
making sure the omega could feel the way her heart was racing.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Raven asked, her hand still pressed over the sun on Lexa’s
chest.
“Because you always kiss me after you tell me I can’t say things like that. I am waiting for my
kiss,” Lexa said seriously and Raven’s smile widened, she was still smiling when she leaned in to
place a kiss on Lexa’s lips.
“Let’s get in,” Raven said after a moment, placing one last kiss on the Commander’s lips. Lexa
nodded and crawled into the fort with Raven.
“It’s beautiful in here,” Lexa said as she half sat up, half laid down against some pillows. “Thank
you, Raven.”
“Don’t thank me yet. Tonight, because of our first formal date, I thought I would introduce you to
a different kind of movie. There are no real people in them, they were made with computers and
the one we are going to watch is for children, but it is one of my favorites so I hope you will like it,
too.”
“Okay,” Lexa said as she leaned back, stretching out one of her arms so Raven could cuddle up to
her side.
…………………………….
Raven’s laptop was placed in front of them balanced on a few pillows. The omega leaned in and
pressed play, soon Hercules began and the omega spent the totality of the movie watching Lexa’s
reactions to it.
Lexa loved the singing. Loved it. She seemed shocked the first time it happened, her eyes widening
and then her smile pulling at the corners of her lips. It happened every time someone began singing
and it made Raven’s heart fill with joy.
She got slightly startled every time Hades would turn red and basically burst into flames. The first
time it happened, she gave a little jump and clutched Raven closer to her side, as if she would do
anything to protect her from the insane god on the screen.
When the Fates appeared and they started interchanging the eye between the 3 of them Lexa was
completely grossed out. Raven watched her make the cutest disgusted face ever, she couldn’t help
but smile upon seeing it and press a kiss to Lexa’s cheek.
Once Hercules training began Lexa watched it all with fondness, Raven saw it in her eyes, watched
her gaze soften as she leaned her head against Raven’s with a tiny smile on her face.
Then, the song I won’t say I’m in love started playing. Raven held her breath, that song was the
reason she had chosen that movie, to begin with.
“Look, baby, that’s me trying to force myself to believe I didn’t love you and those are Lana,
Octavia, and Abby telling me I’m a complete idiot,” Raven said, pointing at Meg and the Muses on
the screen. Lexa chuckled lightly and shook her head, pressing a kiss on Raven’s forehead before
focusing back on the screen. Raven could feel the Commander’s heart racing under her palm as she
clutched Raven closer to her side, her arm strong and somehow gentle around the omega’s body.
When the pegasus blew out the flame in Hades head Lexa laughed. She laughed. Raven looked at
her with amazement, feeling Lexa’s shoulders shake with laughter. She could only watch her, afraid
to look away, it was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. Lexa’s head was thrown back
slightly, her lips completely pulled to the sides showing her pretty teeth, her cheeks getting slightly
red as the melodic sound of her laugh fell past her lips. Raven would never get enough of that.
Then came Meg’s death, Lexa’s whole body stiffened and she looked away from the screen,
pressing her nose against Raven’s cheek and leaving soft kisses wherever her lips could touch.
Raven held onto her neck, caressing it gently as she reciprocated the affection.
By the time the movie ended Lexa was contently holding Raven as she watched the screen fade
into black.
“Did you like it?”
“I liked it very much, thank you,” Lexa said with a smile.
“We have many more to watch, maybe we will get to watch a couple more before you leave,”
Raven offered and Lexa nodded.
“I’d like that very much.”
Raven then sat up and prompted Lexa to do the same.
“I have a gift for you,” Raven said, and before Lexa tried to deny it or to say it wasn’t necessary,
Raven grabbed a wooden box from under one of the pillows and put it in Lexa's hands. The box
had their joined initials carved on the top.
“Thank you,” Lexa said, without even opening it.
“Tell me that after you open it,” Raven said with a smile, nervously watching as the Commander
opened the box.
Inside there was a locket, its shape was that of a circle and it was decorated with the beautiful
design of flaming sun. The circle that made the shape of the star and its rays of light rose from the
metal allowing Lexa to trace the shape of the sun with her fingertips. The locket was not small, but
it wasn’t too big either, it was light and it rested comfortably on Lexa’s palm.
“It’s beautiful, Raven. Thank you,” Lexa said as she ran her thumb over the rays of sunlight that
spread from the center of the sun on the front of the locket. Raven smiled, some of her nerves
washing away. She could see that Lexa liked it, she could see it in how she held it so carefully in
her hands, so delicately.
“Open it.”
“What?” Lexa said, looking up at Raven with confusion and then down at the locket.
Instead of answering Raven reached for the locket and opened it herself, leaving it open in Lexa's
hands.
Raven watched Lexa’s eyes move to the drawing on the right side. She would be able to see
herself, eyes closed, with an arm around Raven’s shoulders. Raven had her eyes closed as well, a
beautiful smile on her face as Lexa’s lips pressed against her forehead, her hand was up, gently
placed on Lexa’s neck. There was not much to see in the background, but the Commander would
be able to distinguish the shapes of trees. The resemblance to them was uncanny, Raven had made
sure of that. And she knew Lexa had liked it once her eyes watered. She looked at the picture
intently and intensely. Raven was sure she was afraid to ruin it if she touched it. For a few
moments, Lexa didn’t seem able to look at anything else.
When her eyes finally moved, she looked at the other side of the locket. Instead of another
drawing, there was a piece of paper, very thick, like the ones she used to make the maps of the
territory. In it, there was something written in Raven’s own handwriting.
You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.
“There is something I need to tell you,” Raven said. Lexa looked up from the locket, her eyes were
wet and there were fresh tears on her cheeks. “I want to be responsible for you for as long as I live.
You have tamed me and I have tamed you. We formed a tie that joins us and that means that we are
unique to each other now, that no one else can be what you are to me. That also means that we will
be hurt when the other is not there, but I think the pain is worth it because I’m happiest when I’m
with you. There’s nothing like having someone with whom you can share the things you are
passionate about and the things that cause you pain. And because of that, I want to be with you for
the rest of my life, so that we can share the things we love and so the things that hurt us might just
hurt a little less. I want to be responsible for you, Lexa, for as long as I live, for as long as the sun
lives and even after…”
Raven breathed in deeply, wondering how she had gotten all of that out without breaking. She
could feel the tears on her cheeks and she could see the way Lexa’s hand shook under the weight
of the locket. She reached out and held Lexa’s hand in her own, the locket disappearing under their
fingers.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Raven whispered, her eyes unwavering as they
looked into Lexa’s. “Lexa kom Trikru, would you marry me?” Raven asked, moving her hand off
the locket and under Lexa’s hand, pushing the hand a little closer to Lexa’s in a quiet offering.
Lexa blinked quickly as if coming out of a daze. Her open hand closed around the locket and she
brought it close to her chest. She looked up at Raven, her mouth opening and closing a couple of
times, bottom lip trembling.
“Yes, Raven. There’s nothing I want more than to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Raven had always known Lexa would say yes. She knew she was loved and that they wanted the
same things. And still, she had been a knot of nerves since the night had started, so when she heard
Lexa said yes, when she accepted to be her wife… Raven was sure her heart processed it faster
than her brain did. In seconds her arms were around Lexa’s neck, her hand holding tightly onto the
back of her neck as brought her into a kiss.
Lexa’s mouth tasted like salt, like joy, and the way her lips tugged into a smile made for quite an
interesting kiss. Their lips struggled to connect with the way they were both smiling against each
other.
“I love you, Raven. Did you actually think I would say no?” Lexa asked, pulling back to look at
Raven’s face.
“No, but I was still nervous. It’s not every day that you ask the love of your life to marry you,”
Raven said, dropping pecks all over Lexa’s face.
“Don’t worry, Lana made sure I wouldn’t say the wrong thing,” Lexa said, smiling as she tugged
Raven to sit on her lap. “She was right, the word ‘marry’ is not one I’m familiar with, but I
understood what you were asking with everything else you said.”
“Lana, our little muse,” Raven said, smiling. She reached for the locket, still held tight in one of
Lexa’s hands. The Commander allowed her to take it, looking up at Raven with a smile of her own.
“It’s beautiful, Raven, thank you.”
“One usually proposes with a ring, but I thought this would be safer for your fingers,” Raven said,
letting the chain fall around the Commander’s neck, it was long enough for the locket to rest right
between the Commander’s breasts. “It's good metal, durable, and it closes so perfectly that no
water should get inside. You can hide it under your clothes and no one has to know about it.”
“Why would I want to hide it?” Lexa asked with a frown on her face. Raven kissed it away, her
hand over the locket.
“I know everything you wear has meaning to your people, I wouldn’t want to cause you trouble, so
if you feel like it's better to keep it under your shirt I would understand.”
“I’d rather show everyone that I’m yours,” Lexa whispered, her hand coming up to close around
Raven’s over the locket. The omega felt rockets go off in her stomach.
“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said. Lexa smiled, her eyes glinting under the yellow lights
hanging from the ceiling of their blanket fort.
“I thought you would say that,” Lexa responded, letting her back fall over the cushions as she
brought Raven down for a kiss. The omega followed the movement, feeling like everything was
falling into place. And most importantly, feeling like her heart had found a safe place. A home.
End Notes
Hope you liked it!
Let me know what you think in the Comments.
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Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/18843622.

Deep down, they both love it.

See the end of the work for more notes

“I understand your distrust Clarke, but my intentions are true, I-”

Moments later Clarke was leaving the room in a rush.

“It is my duty, and I have nothing else to worry about.”

Raven took the radio hanging from Miller’s belt.

“Is she dead?”

Abby seemed surprised to hear she was conscious.

She dreamt of black blood and agony.

Later she realized they were one and the same.

“She slipped,” Abby whispered and Raven’s eyes widened.

“Like into a coma?!” Raven said and Abby glared at her.

“Lower your voice, Raven.”

“That’s bullshit!” Raven said, outraged.

“Are you sorry for yourself, too?”

“There are other ways to enforce justice.”

“I do not question Heda, I deliver things for her.”

Raven took it gently and opened it, eager to read it.

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.

“A piece didn’t fit?”

“Yeah, I will try to be quick.”

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.

Can’t wait to be there.

“Yes.” She said, her tone cutting. “Heda’s orders.”

“Shit,” Harper whispered under her breath, her heart racing.

“Sorry, only I am supposed to read them. Heda’s orders.” Raven said.

“So that’s where the sweet jacket came from.”

“Rae,” Octavia said pointedly. “It’s been almost two months.”

“Look, I am going to go answer this, I will see you later guys.”

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.

We will be leaving for Polis soon, so see you there, Heda.

“How long has it been, Commander?” Marcus asked.

“You are sure?” The Commander asked.

“Yes, just a little thirsty, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Raven, is there anything you need?”

“No, I am good, thanks.” She said and the Commander nodded.

“Is that bad?” Raven said, confused by the doctor’s expression.

“I told her she could and she still denied.”

“Thanks, Abby, I’ll let you know.”

“Why?” Raven asked, confused.

See the end of the chapter for notes

Hope your week hasn’t been as busy as mine.

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru.

Well, you are right, I am not a weapon maker, I am a Mechanic…

Commander Lexa Kom Trikru

“Oh, okay, what is it then?”

“Well, yes, how do you know about that?”

“That can be arranged.”

Raven smiled to herself, Polis would be fun, for sure.

“Of course, I’ll have the meeting arranged for you.”

“You are insatiable.”

Raven froze at the words, in years.

“Of course, let’s go back to work now, yes?”

“Enjoy,” the woman said with a smile.

“I can keep walking, really.” Raven insisted, feeling slightly self-conscious.