'"�HoJJ�/ C>A i.

/£
Scene 8: Seeing the Thing

Dave and Rhonda appear. They have been snowmobiling

and are wearingfull snowmobile regalia, replete with helmets,
gloves, and snowmobile suits. Dave carries a present-a
wrapped painting. Music fades.
Dave and Rhonda kick the snow off their boots before entering
the winterized porch ofRhonda's small home, a cabin in the
woods in Almost, M.aine. This is thefirst time Dave has ever
been inside Rhonda's house. Rhonda is not particularly
comfortable with this.

RHONDA. Okay. This is it. You're in. Y�msa;:-

DAVE. Thisistheporch.
/
He'd like to go Jurt7sii:le.
RHONDA. It's wintero/cl:
This i52.atas Dave's getting. Beat.
So, Dave: What?! What do you gotta do in here that you couldn't do
outside?
D . Well, I got somethin', here, for ya, here.
He presents his wrapp_ed gift. This is Awkward Present
,.,:.-___...,M� ----··-·-""''

!, '
i
'\ RHONDA. What's this?
/�()<�
DAVE. It's-. It's-. It's-. (Changing the subject explosively to dispel
the awkwardness.) Boy, that was fun tonight, Rhonda! >
RHONDA. Yeah!, [It] Was!
DAVE. I mean, twenty miles out there,>
RHONDA. Yeah!
DAVE. beans and franks at the Snowmobile Clnb, >
RHONDA. Yeah!
DAVE. twenty miles back, coupla beers at the Moose Paddy!
RHONDA. Awesome!
DAVE. Yeah!, And, boy, you flew on your new sled, II man!

98
 RHONDA. It's a Polaris,16 man!
DAVE. I know, and you whupped my butt!
RHONDA. Yeah! That's what you get for ridin' an Arctic Cat! 17 Ya
get yer butt whupped! And I whupped it!
She smacks Dave around as she teases him.
DAVE. Iknow!
RHONDA. Whupped your butt! >
DAVE. !know!
RHONDA. Whupped it! >
DAVE. Iknow!
RHONDA. Whupped your butt, Arctic-Cat-Man!!
DAVE. I know!, I know!, I'm not// sayin' ya didn't!
RHONDA. You're not ever beatin' the Snowmobile Association's
Snowmobiler of the Year, you know!
DAVE. !know!
Rhondafinishes up with smacking Dave around-it's all good
fun. Everything settles.
RHONDA. That was fun.
Beat. They look at the wrappedgift. This is Awkward Present
Moment#2.
DAVE. So, this [thepresentlhaveforyou] is, um ... Well, we been ...
together now [for a good long time now]-
RHONDA. (Scoffing.) Together?!?
DAVE. Well-
RHONDA Together?!? What are you talkin' about, "together"???
DAVE. Well, we been friends for quite a few years now...
RHONDA. Yeah, so?
.V DAVE. And, well-...
....A ..,_>; ;.-..--1----------;D�a::-v�e -=-se:-'.a'.'.'.r'.:
ch;:-e:-::sfi".;oc";f;.;.t can'tfind the words to convev
/ what he
'(� wants to say.

16 Pronounced, "pull-AIR-iss." Polaris is a popular brand of snowmobile.

17 Arctic Cat is a popular brand of snowmobile, and competitor of Polaris.

99
GINETTE. Ilove you.
Beat. Pete just stares at Ginette. Beat. He looks away from
Ginette. Beat. And does not respond to Ginette. Beat. Ginette
takes in Pete's non-response, deflates, and then looks away
from him, trying to figure out what has happened. We now have
two very uncomfortable people. Pete is dealing with what
Ginette has just said to him; Ginette. is dealing with Pete's
response-or lack thereof-to what she has just said to him.
Big... long... awful... silence. Finally, Pete breaks the silence
with the truth.
PETE. Well, I. . .love you, too.
GINETTE. Oh!!
Huge relief. Pete and Ginettefeel JOY. Ginette shivers a happy
shiver.
PETE. Oh, are you cold? //Wanna go inside?
GINETTE. No, no! No! I just wanna sit Like this. Close.
Pete and Ginette aren't dose to each other at all-but maybe
for them, it's close.
I feel so close to you tonight.
Little beat.
It's nice to be dose to you, Pete.
She slides a little closer to him.
It's safe.
She slides a little closer to him.
I like being close. Like this.
Little beat.
I mean, I can think of other... ways ... ofbeing close to you (They
enjoy this innuendo sweetly, truly.), but that's not-that's not [the
kind of close I'm talking about right now]-... I like this right now.
This kind of close. Right next to you.
Ginette gets even closer to him and leans right up against
him, resting her head on his shoulder. Beat.
You know, right now, I think I'm about as close to you as I can possibly
be.

18
 Ginette is truly content. Beat.
PETE. (Honestly discovering.) Well ... not really.
GINETTE. What?
PETE. (Simply and truly figuring this out.) Not really. I mean, if you
think about it in a different way, you're not really close to me at all.
You're really actually about as far away from me as you can possibly
be. I mean, ifyou think about it, technically-if you're assuming the
world is round, like a ball-
He gathers snow to make a snowballfor a visual.
-like a snowball-the farthest away you can be from somebody is
if you're sitting right next to them. See, if I'm here
Points out a place on the snowballfacing them that represents
him.
and you're here
Points out a place on the snowballfacing them that represents
her, and its right next to him-practically the same place he
just pointed to.
then...
Pete now demonstrates that if you go all the way around the
world EQUATORIALLY [notpole to pole], that he and Ginette
are actually as far away from each other as they can possibly
be. Little beat.
That's far.
Ginette takes this in. And tries tofigure out what Pete is saying.
GINETTE. Yeah.
Beat. Disheartened, Ginette moves awayfrom Pete, sliding all
the way back to the other end ofthe bench. She doesn'tfeel like
being "close" anymore.
Pete realizes his musings on what it means to be close have not
had the intended effect. In fact-they've had quite the opposite
effect. So he tries to save the evening.
PETE. But ... now you're closer.
This is true. Because Ginette {Jctually is closer, according to
Petes explanation.

19
 E.ErJA/6HE.LLY
\ •. ··•·
· � what she has just said. Deena isn't quite sure what;he has
\ust heard. Long, long beat of these wome;n sortjnk out what
$; ust said and Deena just heard. r"
DEENA. ( eating herselffrom an extremely awkW�rd and strange
and uncomfi le situation.) Okay, well, I sh01µd get goin' home,
Shell. The cats ge onely lately. /
She starts leave.
SHELLY. Yeah ... We · I'm only goin' into1the mill early tomorrow.,
Just got some mainte�;�e issues to ;e;olve. [I] bet I'll be done
before noon, so I can �i�ou up ... hpichtime?
DEENA. Yeah-no-I II do thin t J<1b wanna do much of anything
tomorrow]- � /
,.
SHELLY. Oh! They got the ci; · fair goin' at church, maybe we
could hit that before I/ bowlin';__ �
I .
DEENA. Oh, I don't know,/i:ause, y u know what?, I kinda forgot,
Shell: I've got a big day t°i�orrow. >
\
SHELLY. Well- /
DEENA. I gotta be uy�t the crack o'crack' open the salon: We're
doin' Sandrine St. ,,Pierre's wedding tomorrow., [I'm] Doin' the
bride's hair and the bridesmaids' hair and th\ moms' hair and all
the makeup and the nails, and tmight II noi' up for anything
afterwards- 7 \
/
SHELLY. Well, II I'll come get ya whenever you re done, like we
planned- /
DEENA. /4mm... \ ·
probly gonna be busy all day., We n_ii.ght have to
do toucJl-ups for the wedding pictures, I don't know When we'll be
II don7"youknow? \
SHE LY. Well, we could skip bowlin' and just do supper at the
Sno obile /I Club.
D , NA. And I'm gonna be really exhausted, so, I don't know, I
n'tknow, I don't know II so-
HELLY. Well, I'll be ready whenever II you want me to come pick
yaup-
�f/l,; R 1 ..._.
-+a- --==D EENA. Hey-hey, Shell: Maybe we oughtta just give it a couple days
,;e;;,;;

and see when we both have the time, and we'll make a plan, okay?
80
 SHELLY. Well, the craft fair's only// this weekend, so-
DEENA. Yeah, you know what?, Youknowwhat?, Youknowwhat,
Shell?: I'm gonna head.
Little beat.
Okay?
SHELLY. Okay.
DEENA. (Making sure/insisting that everything is okay.) Okay?
SHELLY. Okay.
DEENA. (Making like everything's okay.) Okay!
SHELLY. Okay!
DEENA. (Leaving.) Bye!
SHELLY. Bye!
Shelly watches Deena go. Then:
Hey,Deena!
Deena stops, turns to Shelly, and when her eyes meet Shellys,
Shelly suddenly falls down. This should be a crumple to the
ground. Love is often described, after all, as making people
weak in the knees. A slow crumple is best: knees/shoulder/
face. [Note: Eye contact is what initiates the falls.]
DEENA. Whoa! (Rushing back, taking a moment to try tofigure out
how Shelly ended up on the ground.) Shell, hey! What [happened]�?
You okay?
SHELLY. Yeah [no] ...
DEENA. What the-... Here.
She helps Shelly up.
SHELLY. Thanks. Um-
DEENA. What was that? You okay? What just happened there?
· SHELLY. (Trying to figure out whats going on.) Umm ... I just fell.
DEENA. Well, I know, I saw.
SHELLY. No [it's more than I just fell]- ... I just [fell in love with
you]-.
Little beat.
I think I just fell in love with you, there, Deena.
81
 Her eyes meet Deena's as she says this, and she crumples to
the ground again.
DEENA. Shelly! SHELLY. Oh, boy...
SHELLY. (On theground,face-planted.) Yup. (Gettingup.) That's what
that was. Me falling in love with you ...
As she gets up, her eyes meet Deena's again, and she crumples
to the ground again.
DEENA. Shelly: What are you doing? Come on, get up!
Deena helps Shelly up.
SHELLY. No-no-no, Deena [I'm just gonna fall down again]­
Her eyes meet Deena's again, and she crumples, to the ground
again.
DEENA. Would you cut that outm
SHELLY. Well, I can't help it!! It just kinda cmne over me!! I've
fallen in love with you, Deen!
Deena takes this in. Confusion. Fear. Long beat. Then:
DEENA. Shelly: I'm your best friend in the whole world .. , and I
don't quite know what you're doin' or what you're goin' on about ...
but (Angry.) -what are you talking about?!? What are you saying?
Shell: You're my best friend, >

-II+-----SHELLY. Yeah-
DEE�. and that's-... I love that! But-I don't [understand why'
,,,.
you justslti��at yo� just said]-. I mean-yeah, it's t�,...Yc<u're
about the onl!�at feels really good and m�s<e'nse in this
_
world to me, too. You keep. me from feelin' �Pin gonna become
that crazy cat lady-but n�hll!.loi£�-eefone [fallen down] and
what you've said [that you've falle:g,,m'iev,with me], well, it makes
me feel for sure like I'm gogpa"l(ecomes thah:Fa:zy cat lady 'cause
me-and-my-best-friend-in4f'.ne-whole-wide-world do�r�e sense
. at all right now. �"fhat doesn't feel good. And I think I'mrea�
mad at you! ' ause you can't go back! Once it's out there, you can't ,
take it ba -something like that-and now it's just hanging there, '·'-·,
d at do you mean?!? We're friends!>
LY. Yeah...
DE NA. Bestfriends! >
82
 < h"""""'-
-Q�· --
1-<� · 1; RANDY. (Extricating himself from an extremely awkward and
'77 I'
, strange and uncomfortable situation.) Well, I'm gonna head. >
He starts to leave.
CHAD. Yeah ...
RANDY. (Disengagingfrom Chad.) I gotta work in the mornin'...
CHAD. Well, I'm just supervisin' first shift at the mill, so I can pick
you up any time after three-
RANDY. Oh, I don't know, Chad: Me and Lendall, we got a long
day tomorrow-we're still catchin' up, fixin' roofs from all the snow
in December., [We] gotta do Marvalyn and Eric's, and-
CHAD. Well, four// or five? Six or seven?
RANDY. Prolly busy all day, I don't know when we'll be // done.
CHAD. Well, you just// saywhen-
RANDY. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, // so-
CHAD. Well, I'll be ready whenever // you want me to come pick
yaup-
RANDY. (Putting a stop to this-he wants outta there.) Hey-hey­
HEY!!: I'll see ya later!
CHAD. Yeah.
RANDY. Yeah.
He leaves.
CHAD. Yeah-yeah-yeah ...
Chad watches Randy go, then calls to him.
Hey, Randy!-
Randfstops and turns to Chad, and, when their eyes meet,
Chad suddenly and completely falls down. This should be a
crumple to the ground. Love is often described, after all, as
making people weak in the knees. A slow crumple is best:
knees/shoulder/face. [Note: Eye contact is what initiates the
falls.]
RANDY. Whoa. (Rushing back, seeing Chad on the ground.) Chad!
You okay?.
CHAD. Yeah [no) ...

70
 RANDY. What the [heck happened]- ... Here.
Randy helps Chad up.
CHAD. Thanks. Um-
RANDY. What was that? You okay? What just happened there?
CHAD. (Trying to figure out what just happened.) Um .. .I just fell.
RANDY. Well, I figured that out.
CHAD. No [it's more than me just falling]� ... I just [fell in love
with you]-.
Little beat.
I think I just... fell in love with you there, Randy.
Chad's eyes meet Randy's as he says this, and he crumples to
the ground again.
RANDY. Chad! CHAD. Whoa ..•
CHAD. (On theground,face-planted.) Yup. (Gettingup.) That's what
that was. Me fallin' in love with you ...
As Chad gets up, his eyes meet Randy's, and he crumples to
the ground again.
RANDY. Chad: What are you doin'? Come on, get up!
Randy gets Chad up, roughly.
CHAD. No-no-no, Randy! [I'm just gonna fall down again-]
His eyes meet Randy's again, and he crumples to the ground
again.
RANDY. (Fiercely.) Would you cut that out?!?
CHAD. (Fiercely right back, and from the ground.) Well, I can't help
it!! It just kinda came over me!! I've fallen in love with ya, here!!
Randy takes this in. Confusion. Fear. Long beat. Then:
RANDY. Chad: I'm your best buddy in the whole world... and I
don't quite know what you're doin' or what you're gain' on about ...
but (Furious. He might beat Chad up.) -what the heck is your
problem?!? What the heck are you doin'?!? Jeezum Crow, you're my
best friend, >

y:,:,;,'-':,V · ----RAND-
CHAD. Yeah-
Y. YEAH! And that's a thing you don't mess with! And you

71
 night special at the Moose Paddy: Drink free ifyou're sad. So, if you're
sad, or if you two little lovebirds are ready for another coupla Buds or
somethin; you just let me know, all right?
SANDRINE. No, we//re [not together]-
JIMMY. Okay!
WAITRESS. Okay!.
And she's gone.
SANDRINE. (Helplessly.) Okay...
i-'/ -
---I------:,:�-;.......,
JIMMY. So whatta you say? Wanna come on over, for fun?

l:J-<...� SANDRINE. No, Jimmy. I can't. I can't. (Getting up to leave.) I really

gotta get back with the girls.
JIMMY. Naw-
SANDRINE. (Forceful, but kind.) Yeah, Jimmy, yeah. I gotta. 'Cause,
see ... oh, gosh, I've been meanin' to tell you this for a while: Theres
a guy, Jimmy. I've got a guy.
JIMMY. (Huge blow. But he's tough.) Oh. ,
SANDRINE. Yeah.
JIMMY. Well ... good for you. Gettin' yourself out there again.
SANDRINE. Yeah.
JIMMY. Movin' on.
SANDRINE. Yeah, well, actually; Jimmy, it's more than me just gettin'
myselfout there and movin' on. Um... this is my...bachelorette party.
Beat. Then, offhis blank look:
I'm gettin' married.
JIMMY. (Huger blow.) Oh.
SANDRINE. Yeah.
JIMMY. Wow.
SANDRINE. Y//eah.
JIMMY. Wow.
SANDRINE. Y//eah.
JIMMY. Wow.
SANDRINE. Y//eah.

38
 JIMMY. Wow, that's-...
He's devastated.
I thought you said you weren't gonna do that. Get married. Thought
it wasn't for you, you told me.
Little beat.
Guess it just wasn't for you with me.
\J\..\---1---.......- Beat.
\,\.
So, who's ...who's the lucky guy?
\ \:
SANDRINE. Martin Laferriere.2Youknowhim? The// [forest ranger]­
JIMMY. Yeah, the ranger guy, over in Ashland!
SANDRINE. Yeah!
JIMMY. Wow!
SANDRINE. Yeah!
JIMMY. He's a legend! Legendary. I mean, ifyou're lost on a mountain
in Maine, he's the guy you want lookin' for ya!
SANDRINE. Yeah.
JIMMY. I mean, ifyou're lost out there in this big bad northern world,
Martin Laferriere's the guy you want to have go out there and find ya!
SANDRINE. Yeah.
JIMMY. And he ...found you.
SANDRINE. Yeah. I'm sorry I never told you-I actually thought
you woulda known, I thought you woulda heard.
JIMMY. How would I have heard?
SANDRINE. Well, you know... people talk.
JIMMY. Not about things they know you don't wanna hear, they
don't. And I gotta be honest with you: That's not somethin' I woulda
wanted to hear.
Beat.
So... when's the big event?
SAND RINE. Um... tomorrow!
JIMMY. Really.

2 Pronounced, "la-FAIR-ee-AIR."

39
 it affects her breathing.
Oh! Oh,God!
EAST. (Stopping.) What? What's wrong?
GLORY. (Having tl-ouble breathing.) My heart!
EAST. What? Are yo,u II okay?
GLORY. My heart! (Seeing that East has her, bag, pointing to it and
almost hyperventilating.)
EAST. What?
GLORY. You have my heart!
EAST. I wh//at?
GLORY. In that bag!, It's in that bag! >
EAST. Oh.
GLORY. Please �ve it back!, I/ Please! It's my heart!, I need it!, Please!
EAST. Okay, okay, okay.
He gives Glory the bag.
GLORY. Thank you.
When Glory gets the bag back, her breathing normalizes.
EAST. You're welcome.
Long beat. East considers what he has just heard.
I'm sorry, did you just say that. .. your heart is in that bag?, Is that
what you just said, that II your heart-... ?
GLORY. Yes.
Little beat.
EAST. It's heavy.
GLORY. I guess.
Little beat.
EAST. Why is it in that bag?
GLORY. It's how I carry it around.
EAST. Why?
GLORY. It's broken.
EAST. What happened?
GLORY. Wes broke it.
29
 EAST. Your husband?
GLORY. Ye�. He went away.
EAST. Oh.
GLORY. With someone else.
EAST. Oh, no. I'm'sorry.
GLORY. Yeah. And when he did that, I felt like my heart would
break. And that's exactly what happened. It broke: hardened up and
cracked in two. Hurt so bad, I had to go to the hospital, and when I
got there, they told me they were gonna have to take it out. And
when they took it out, they dropped it on the floor, and it broke
into nineteen pieces. Slate.
She gently shakes the bag, which should be filled with small
pieces ofslate. Slate shards make a great sound when shaken.
[Note: These shards shouldn't be too big-a heart is the size
ofits owner's fist.]
It turned to slate.
Beat. She looks back up at the sky.
East takes this in. After a beat, he responds to what Glory
has just told him the only way he knows how.
EAST. Great for roofing.
Glory looks at East, does not respond to what he just said,
and then looks back up at the sky. Beat. East doesn't know
what to do, so he starts to head back to his house, but stops
after a few steps and asks:
How do you breathe? >
GLORY. Huh?-,Oh-
. EAST. Ifyour heart is in that bag, how are you alive?
GLORY. (Indicating the heart that's now in her chest.) Artificial.
EAST. Really.
GLORY. Yeah. 'Cause my real one's broken . .And.the�aJ.ways-a
:....._....--•·Mior.tage.of-reid"h-emsfoMransplantsf"S"cl"fg3rarni:rrl:ficiM"One,,.
EAST. Oh.
Little beat.
 Abby/Martha
Mortimer: All right-now-who was the first one?
Abby: Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist.
Martha: Of course, I still think we can't claim full credit for him because he just
died.
Abby: Martha means without any help from us. You see, Mr. Midgely came here
looking for a room -
Martha: It was right after you moved to New York.
Abby: -And it didn't seem right for that lovely room to be going to waste when
there were so many people who needed it -
Martha: - He was such a lonely old man ...
Abby: All his kith and kin were dead and it left him so forlorn and unhappy -
Martha: - We felt so sorry for him.
Abby: And then when his heart attack came - and he sat dead in that chair
(pointing to armchair) looking so peaceful -remember, Martha-we made
up our minds then and there that if we could help other lonely old men to
that same peace - we would!
Mortimer: And that's how all this started - that man walking in here and
dropping dead.
Abby: Of course, we realized we couldn't depend on that happening again. So -
Martha: You remember those jars of poison that have been up on the shelves in
grandfather's laboratory all these years - ?
Abby: You know yourAunt Martha's knack for mixing things. You've eaten
enough of her piccalilli.
Martha: Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine I take one teaspoon full of
arsenic, then add a half teaspoonful of strychnine and then just a pinch of
cyanide.
Mortimer: Should have quite a kick.
Abby: Yes! As a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found time to say, "How
delicious!"
Abby: I wish you could stay for dinner.
Martha: I'm trying out a new recipe.

1
2

Teddy: General Goethals was very pleased. He says the Canal is just the right
size.
Abby: Teddy! Teddy, there's been another Yellow Fever victim.
Teddy: Dear me -this will be a shock to the General.
Abby: Then we mustn't tell him about it.
Teddy: But it's his department.
Abby: No, we mustn't tell him, Teddy. It would just spoil his visit.
Teddy: I'm sorry, Aunt Abby. It's out of my hands -he'll have to be told. Army
regulations, you know.
Abby: No, Teddy, we must keep it a secret.
Teddy: (He loves secrets.) A state secret?
Abby: Yes, a state secret. Promise?
Teddy: (What a silly request) You have the word of the President of the United
States (crosses his heart) Cross my heart and hope to die. Now let's see-
how are we going to keep it a secret?
Abby: Well, Teddy, you go back down in the cellar and when I turn out the lights
- when it's all dark-you come up and take the poor man down to the
Canal. Now go along, Teddy, and we'll come down later and hold services.
Teddy: You may announce the President will say a few words .... Where is the
poor devil?
Martha: He's in the window-seat.
Teddy: It seems to be spreading. We've never had Yellow Fever there before.

2
3

Einstein: Well, Chonny, where do we go from here? We gotta think fast. The
police. The police have got pictures of that face. I got to operate on you
right away. We got to find some place for that-and we got to find a place
for Mr. Spenalzo too.
Jonathan: Don't waste any worry on that rat.
Einstein: But, Chonny, we got a hot stiff on our hands.
Jonathan: Forget Mr. Spenalzo.
Einstein: But you can't leave a dead body in the rumble seat. You shouldn't have
killed him, Chonny. He's a nice fellow- he gives us a lift-and what
happens?
Jonathan: (Remembering bitterly) He said I looked like Boris Karloff! That's your
work, Doctor. You did that to me!!
Einstein: Now, Chonny-we find a place somewhere- I fix you up quick!
Jonathan: Tonight!
Einstein: Chonny-1 got to eat first. I'm hungry- I'm weak.

3
 Einstein/Johnathan 2
Einstein: Chonny, when I go down in the cellar, what do you think
I find?
Jonathan: What?
Einstein: The Panama Canal.
Jonathan: The Panama Canal
Einstein: It just fits Mr. Spenalzo. It's a hole Teddy dug. Six feet
long and four
feet wide.
Jonathan: Down there?!
Einstein: You'd think they knew we were bringing Mr. Spenalzo
along. That's hospitality.
5

Mortimer: Where do you want to go for dinner?

Elaine: I don't care. I'm not very hungry.
Mortimer: Well, I just had breakfast. Suppose we wait until after the show?
Elaine: But that'll make it pretty late, won't it?
Mortimer: Not with the little stinker we're seeing tonight. From what I've heard
about it we'll be at Blake's by ten o'clock.
Elaine: You ought to be fair to these plays.
Mortimer: Are these plays fair to me?
Elaine: I've never seen you walk out on a musical.
Mortimer: That musical isn't opening tonight.
Elaine: (Disappointed) No?
Mortimer: Darling, you'll have to learn the rules. With a musical there are always
four changes of title and three postponements. They like it in New Haven
but it needs a lot of work.
Elaine: Oh, I was hoping it was a musical.
Mortimer: You have such a light mind.
Elaine: Not a bit. Musicals somehow have a humanizing effect on you. After a
serious play we join the proletariat in the subway and I listen to a lecture on
the drama. After a musical you bring me home in a taxi, and you make a
few passes.
Mortimer: Now wait a minute, darling, that's a very inaccurate piece of
reporting.
Elaine: Oh, I will admit that after the Behrman play you told me I had authentic
beauty- and that's a fool thing to say to a girl. It wasn't until after our first
musical you told me I had nice legs. And I have too.
Mortimer: For a minister's daughter you know a lot about life. Where'd you
learn it?
Elaine: In the choir loft. Religion never gets as high as the choir loft. Which
reminds me, I'd better tell Father not to wait up for me tonight.
Mortimer: (almost to himself} I've never been able to rationalize it.
Elaine: What?
Mortimer: My falling in love with a girl who lives in Brooklyn.
Elaine: Falling in love? You're not stooping to the articulate, are you?
Mortimer: The only way I can regain my self-respect is to keep you in New York.
Elaine: Did you say keep?

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Mortimer: No, no. I've come to the conclusion that you're holding out for the
legalities.
Elaine: I can afford to be a good girl for quite a few years yet.
Mortimer: And I can't wait that long. Where could we be married in a hurry - say
tonight?
Elaine: I'm afraid Father will insist on officiating.
Mortimer: Oh, no! I'll bet your father could make even the marriage service
sound pedestrian.
Elaine: Are you by any chance writing a review of it?
Mortimer: Forgive me, darling. It's an occupational disease.

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Martha/Witherspoon
Martha: Mr. Witherspoon? Does your family live with you at Happy Dale?
Witherspoon: I have no family.
Martha: Oh -Well, I suppose you consider everyone at Happy Dale your family?
Witherspoon: I'm afraid you don't quite understand. As head of the institution, I
have to keep quite aloof.
Martha: That must make it very lonely for you.
Witherspoon: It does. But my duty is my duty.
Martha: Well, Abby -If Mr. Witherspoon won't join us for breakfast, I think at
least we should offer him a glass of elderberry wine.
Witherspoon: (severely) Elderberry wine?
Martha: We make it ourselves.
Witherspoon: (melting slightly) Why, yes ... (severely again) Of course, at Happy
Dale our relationship will be more formal -but here -You don't see much elderberry
wine nowadays -I thought I'd had my last glass of it.
Martha: Oh, no -no, here it is.
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Rooney: Yeah -yeah-those thirteen bodies in the cellar! It ain't enough that the
neighbors are all afraid of him, and his disturbing the peace with that bugle
- but can you imagine what would happen if that cock-eyed story about
thirteen bodies in the cellar got around? And now he's starting a Yellow
Fever scare. Cute, ain't it?
Mortimer: (Greatly relieved, with an embarrassed laugh) Thirteen bodies. Do
you think anybody would believe that story?
Rooney: Well, you can't tell. Some people are just dumb enough. You don't
know what to believe sometimes. About a year ago a crazy guy starts a
murder rumor over in Greenpoint, and I had to dig up a half acre lot, just to
prove them wrong. Now let's be sensible about this, ladies. For instance,
here I am wasting my morning when I've got serious work to do. You know
there are still murders to be solved in Brooklyn.
Mortimer: Yes! (Covering) Oh, are there?
Rooney: It ain't only his bugle blowing and the neighbors all afraid of him, but
things would just get worse. Sooner or later we'd be put to the trouble of
digging up your cellar.

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