ANTARCTICA

Pilot

written by Robia Rashid

3.15.16
FADE IN:
OVER BLACK, we hear a YOUNG MAN'S VOICE. There's something
a tiny bit off about it. He has a slightly odd cadence,
like he doesn't know the natural places to pause.
YOUNG MAN (V.O.) 00:007-00:16
I'm a weirdo. That's what everyone
says. What's hardest about being
me? I guess the loneliness.
ON SAM WATTS (18), awkward in his own skin. He sits in
a chair with electrodes attached to his head, speaking
to SOMEONE OFF CAMERA.
SAM
Sometimes I don't know what other
people mean when they say things
and that makes me feel alone, even
when people are in the room.

CLOSE ON SAM'S HANDS. He's moving a small pencil

quickly and rhythmically against a rubber band.
SAM (CONT'D)00:16-00:43-
And all I can do is sit and twiddle,
which is what I call my sensory
stimulation, when I shake a pencil and
rubber band at a certain frequency and
I think about the things I could never
do, like research penguins in
Antarctica or have a girlfriend. I
don't know. I'd like to go to
Antarctica. It's quiet there. Except
in the rookeries where the penguins
breed. Those aren't quiet, no, sir!

A beat. Sam's finished with his answer.

SAM (CONT'D)
I'm finished with my answer.00:45-00:47

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- LATER

Sam sits patiently as JULIA MENTON (mid-20s), a
researcher, removes the electrodes from his head. Julia
is all heart and lovely in a stressed, overworked way.
JULIA
Almost done. Thanks again, Sam.00:50-00:51
SAM
I can see your bra. It's blue(purple).00:51-00:53
Julia straightens up quickly.
JULIA
Oh geez, my bad.
 2.

She turns and gets some cash out of an envelope.

JULIA (CONT'D)
Fifty dollars, there you go.
Sam straightens the bills, places them neatly in his wallet.
JULIA (CONT'D)00:58-01:07
There was one more thing I wanted to
discuss. And I don't need your answer
now, but I'm asking all my clients
if they'd be willing to donate
their brains for research.

SAM
Donate my brain?!01:10-01:11
JULIA
After you die.01:11-01:12
SAM
(relieved)
Oh.01:13-01:13
JULIA 01:14-01:23
It's just... there's such a
shortage of brain matter available
and there's no substitute for the
real thing. Just think about it.

SAM
Okay.01:23-01:24
JULIA01:24-01:35
And hey, Sam? What you said earlier,
about having a girlfriend... People
on the spectrum date, you know. You
could try to find someone. If you
wanted to.

SAM
How? 01:35-01:36
JULIA 01:36-01:39
I don't know... you just have to
put yourself out there.
Sam considers this.

INT. BUS -- LATER

Sam's on the bus. He sits very straight, bracing
himself against the bumps.
SAM (V.O.)01:44-01:49
Busses are okay but I don't like the
feeling of the seat on my back so I
try to sit like this.
 3.

Sam's back is arched as far from the seat as he can get.

It looks painful.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D) 01:49-02:
I don't know how people stand it.
We see the other PASSENGERS leaning back against their seats.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Maybe they've developed thicker
back skin from riding the bus so
much. There's a type of Antarctic
cod that has a special protein in
its blood that stops it from
freezing. Antifreeze in fish!

He laughs aloud at the thought. A WOMAN shoots him a look.

SAM 02:07-02:10
(explaining)
I was just thinking about
Antarctic cod.
The woman turns away. Sam starts to do his
pencil/rubber band thing.
CUT TO:
AN IMAGE OF AN ICEBERG. RUGGED, BLUISH, BEAUTIFUL.
SAM (V.O.)02:14-02:17
Antarctica is the coldest, driest,
most remote continent on the planet.
WIDEN TO REVEAL:

INT. SAM'S ROOM -- EVENING

The image is a poster in Sam's bedroom, an impeccably neat
SHRINE TO ANTARCTICA. Framed prints of ice caves, penguins,
maps, etc. There is evidence of a few other obsessive
interests: framed baseball cards, a scale model of Mt. Fuji,
etc. On the desk is a TURTLE in a terrarium. Sam enters.

SAM (V.O.) 02:19-02:25

And even though it has ninety percent
of the world's ice, it's considered a
desert because the annual rainfall is
only about eight inches.

He opens his closet, revealing neatly-ordered rows

of extremely similar button-downs.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
02:26-02:29You wouldn't think it
was a desert when you looked at
it.
He hangs up his coat.
 4.

SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)02:31-02:31

That's why I like it.
He closes the closet door and TAPS IT FOUR TIMES, QUICKLY.
WOMAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
Sam! Dinner! 02:36-02:37
SAM (V.O.)
It's not what it looks like.

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT

Sam's at the dinner table with his family:
His mom, ELSA WATTS (43), perky and upbeat, never met a
negative emotion she couldn't cover with a smile. Yet,
underneath her sunny disposition and impeccable sweater set
is a deep sadness that seems to follow her like a cloud.

His dad, DOUG WATTS (45), good-natured and straightforward,

an ex-hockey player. A big, sturdy guy with a natural ease
about him, he couldn't be more different than Sam.

And his sister, CASEY WATTS (16), scrappy, fueled by

teenage-girl-anger. She's an athlete, but not the scrubbed
and shiny kind. This one has a strong sense of justice and
doesn't take anyone's shit.

It's a raucous family dinner, but Sam sits quietly.

Elsa, as usual, is mid-story.
ELSA
- With no raisins in them! Can you
believe? I said, well, let's just
change the sign to just plain "Oatmeal
Cookies" and you know what? It had
never occurred to her! I mean!

CASEY
(sarcastic) 03:05-03:06
Wow. Great story, mom.
DOUG
(sweetly)
Don't be a dick, honey. 03:07-03:09
Elsa turns to Sam.
ELSA 03:09-03:10
So, Sam, how was your session with
Julia today?
SAM 03:10-03:14
She wants me to donate my brain.
Don't worry, it's after I die.
 5.

DOUG 03:14-03:17
Like for research? Huh. That could
be kind of cool--
ELSA 03:17- 03:18
Absolutely not!
CASEY 03:18-03:21
And the queen has spoken.
ELSA 03:21-03:26
Well, it's gross, Casey. I can't
believe your dad would think that
was appropriate. I mean, ech!
(to Sam)
Tell Julia thank you, but no.
SAM03:26-03:26
Okay.
CASEY 03:27-03:28
You are so easy to boss around.
SAM 03:28-03:35
I don't care what happens to my dead
brain. It's either give it to Julia
or maggots eat it. If mom wants
maggots to eat it, that's fine.

ELSA 03:35-03:0337
That is not what I'm saying.
CASEY 03:37-03:37
(amused)
Kinda is.
SAM 03:38-03:38
I don't care. I'll be dead.
ELSA 03:40-03:42
Can we stop talking about you being
dead?! You're not going anywhere!

DOUG 03:42-03:44
Great chicken, honey.
ELSA 03:45-03:46
Thank you. It's from Ralph's.
(then, brightly)
Well, I had a doozy of a day! There
was a customer in the store, heavy
girl, I mean, wowza, she was big,
barely anything we had fit her, but
I found one pair of pants, our
green stretch Magda --
 6.

SAM 03:48-03:56
(interrupting)
Julia thinks I should put myself
out there and find someone to have
sex with. Well, she didn't say the
sex part, I added that.

Casey bursts out laughing. Doug tries to hide a smile.

ELSA
(annoyed)
Well, Julia was just full of
ideas today.
SAM
(clueless)
Can someone pass the potatoes?
Doug passes Sam the potatoes.

EXT. ARTHUR ASHE HIGH SCHOOL -- THE NEXT DAY

A sprawling brick public high school. A little worse for
the wear. A few KIDS smoke cigarettes by a large tree. In
front, a marquee sign reads: "SENIORS: DON'T FORGET TO
ORDER YOUR CAPS AND GOWNS BY THE END OF THE MONTH."

INT. ARTHUR ASHE HIGH HALLWAY -- DAY

It's a hectic public high school. Students chat, make out,
hustle to class. Teachers try to wrangle them. It's loud.
Frenetic. Busy. Suddenly, the sound goes MUFFLED AND WE:

FIND SAM, MAKING HIS WAY DOWN THE HALL, HIS HANDS
CLAMPED OVER HIS EARS.
SAM (V.O.)
Things were easier when I was a kid.
He steps gingerly, dodging students and teachers,
careful not to touch anything.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
People were nice and the teachers
let me read in the library during
recess. But high school is more
confusing.
He spots a GROUP OF CUTE GIRLS clustered near a locker.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
04:43-04:50 Like girls. I think
every girl is pretty in her own
way. Like a snowflake in a
seasonal Antarctic storm.
 7.

It looks like ONE OF THE GIRLS is going to say hi to

him. Sam brightens. But then... she ignores Sam and
waves to a guy nearby. Sam deflates.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
05:05-05:08 But most girls don't
think about me at all.
Sam walks on, invisible to the others.

INT. TECH WORLD -- AFTERNOON

A sprawling appliance store. It's a bustling, Best Buy type
of place. Sam, wearing a name tag, is at the TECH DESK fixing
a laptop. His coworker, ZAHID (22), Indian-American,
approaches. He leans against the desk.
ZAHID 05:18-05:28
Banged a fat chick I met online last
night. We did it for like ten
minutes and then ate a whole gallon
of ice cream in bed. It was awesome.

SAM 05:29-05:30
Why online?
ZAHID 05:30-05:33
Cuz that's where the sluttiest
girls are.
SAM 05:33-05:34
What kind of ice cream?
ZAHID 05:34-05:34
Mint chip.
SAM
(grossed out)
Ech.
Sam notices a COUPLE shopping for iPhone covers. They're
laughing and goofing around. He can't help but watch them.

SAM (CONT'D) 05:41-05:44

Zahid? Do you like... dating girls?
Zahid looks at him like he's nuts for a beat, then:
ZAHID 05:46-05:47
Yeah, dude. I like dating girls.
On Sam, considering this.

INT. WATTS HOUSE -- KITCHEN -- AFTERNOON

Elsa's opening mail.
 8.

ELSA
Ooh, twenty percent off at Anne Taylor
Loft!
She rips open another envelope, is taken aback by the
letter inside. Sam enters.
ELSA (CONT'D)
Look at this! It's your cap and
gown order form! Can you believe
they sent this already? It's the
beginning of the year, you're not
graduating for ages!
SAM
Well, geologically speaking, an age
is millions of years and I have two-
hundred-twenty-four-and-a-third
calendar days left of school. That's
much less than an age. Snack?

She hands him one and he exits. Elsa stays where she
is, unable to keep her eyes off the form.

INT. SAM'S ROOM -- LATER

Sam sits at his laptop. We see he's on a dating website.
The site prompts him to upload a profile picture. He quickly
snaps a photo of himself with the camera on his computer.
WE SEE THE PHOTO: it's an odd angle -- too close up --
too much nostril -- it looks very strange.
He doesn't seem to mind. Posts it. Casey walks by.
CASEY 05:55-05:55
What are you doing?
SAM 05:56-05:57
Going online to find a girl to date.
CASEY 05:58-05:59
Need some help?
She plops down on the bed, grabs his lap top. Then,
noticing the picture he just posted--
CASEY (CONT'D)
Ah! Jesus Christ, Sam, what's with
the picture?
SAM
What's wrong with it? I took it
myself. Is it too blurry?
CASEY
It's too scary. Delete.
 9.

She deletes it and takes out her phone.

CASEY (CONT'D)
Okay, smile.
Sam smiles really big and strange.
CASEY (CONT'D)
Ah. Never mind. Don't smile.
He drops the smile. She takes a picture.
CASEY (CONT'D)06:02-06:06
Good enough. Okay, your profile.
Finish this sentence:
(reading)
"I spend a lot of time thinking
about..."
SAM 06:06-06:20
Easy, penguins, and especially I'll
say chinstrap penguins, they're my
favorite bird. But all four species
of Antarctic penguins are good. Did
you know that early explorers thought
they were fish and classified them
that way? Not birds, fish!

A beat as Casey studies him. Then types:

CASEY 06:21-06:22
"Sports."
(then)
It's all about getting you in the
door, weirdo.
Elsa, carrying laundry, enters and hands Sam some clothes.
ELSA
Here's your whites. Look at these
socks. I remember when your tiny
little socks were only this big!
(then)
What are you two up to? 06:25-06:26
SAM 06:26-06:30
Casey's helping me sign up for
online dating but she hates all my
ideas and so she's lying.
ELSA 06:35-06:43
(thrown)
You're awfully young for that! And
do you really think you're ready to
date, Sam? I mean, you're going
through a whole lot of changes,
with graduation and --
 10.

CASEY 06:44-06:44
Bye, mom.
Elsa starts to say something, then decides against it. She
exits. Meanwhile, Sam has picked up EDISON, HIS TURTLE.

SAM 06:49-06:53
Do you think we should take another
picture with Edison? I read online
girls like animals. Maybe like this?
He props Edison on his shoulder. Beat.
CASEY 06:56:06:58
This might go quicker if you leave.

INT. GARAGE -- A LITTLE LATER

Elsa is bustling around, reorganizing. Doug enters.
DOUG 07:05-07:06
Reorganizing the garage?
ELSA
(upbeat)
Uh huh!
DOUG 07:16-07:16
You okay?
ELSA 07:21-07:25
Apparently Sam is going to start
dating! So that's wonderful! Dating.
Graduating. Our boy is growing up.
He notices something in her hand.
DOUG
What are those?07:25-07:26
ELSA 07:26-07:36
Oh... These are the cards I used to
teach Sam emotions when he was a
little boy. Remember?
(holds up a card)
"If someone's making this face,
they might be sad. So you should
try to be kind to them." Basic
stuff. I think they really helped.

Doug is holding "surprised."

DOUG 07:37-07:40
This is the exact face he made when
I surprised him with Mets tickets.
FLASHBACK TO:
 11.

INT. KITCHEN -- FLASHBACK -- DAY

Sam makes the "surprised" face -- mouth open, eyes wide.
Then, dropping the face:
SAM
I don't want to go.
BACK TO:

INT. GARAGE -- NIGHT

As they were.
ELSA
And then he finally went with you
and ended up crouched on the
floor of the mens room with a
sweatshirt over his head.

DOUG 07:42-07:49
I know. I felt terrible. I just wanted
us to have one thing in common. I used
to go to games with my dad.

Doug shakes off what's clearly a tough subject for him.

DOUG (CONT'D) 07:52-07:59
Well, I think it's great that Sam
wants to date. I mean, you and I
weren't much older than him when
we met and that was fun. You were
a wild chick, honey.

Elsa finally stops bustling around and turns.

ELSA 07:59-08:00
Sam's not like us, Doug.
DOUG 08:00-08:01
Well, yeah, but he --
ELSA 08:01-08:17
Do you know that every time the phone
rings I jump? Every time. I think he
crossed the street with his eyes
closed again or he had a freak out in
a store or hit a police officer.
Every time the phone rings.

Doug takes her hand.

DOUG 08:17-08:21
It's hard, I know, but maybe now's
our time to take a step back.
(MORE)
 12.

DOUG (CONT'D) 08:21-08:32

We've spent the last eighteen years
entirely focused on the kids,
mostly Sam. Maybe now we can spend
a little time just the two of us.
Go on a date. Get back to who we
were before...
(re: emotion cards)
...All of this. Don't you think we
deserve that?
A beat then:
ELSA
Here's the extra Christmas
lights! Why in the world are they
marked "BOOKS"?!
She bustles off, leaving the STACK OF EMOTION CARDS on a
shelf. ON THE PILE OF CARDS. The top one is "SCARED." Which,
clearly, Elsa is. Doug watches her go, disappointed.

INT. UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM -- THE NEXT DAY

Julia lectures to a hall full of undergrads.
JULIA 08:55-09:07
Study of brain tissue has allowed
for key discoveries in how the
disorder affects development, but
due to a shortage of affected brains
-- don't even get me started on the
bozos at Columbia who let an entire
freezer of autistic brains thaw --

Her class laughs. She's a charming oddball.

JULIA (CONT'D)
-- Research has been significantly...
Julia stops, notices something. REVEAL Elsa in the doorway.
Julia tilts her head, curious.

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- LATER

Elsa and Julia enter.
JULIA 09:13-09:21
Please, sit. Is everything okay
with Sam?
ELSA 09:22-09:31
Yes, everything's fine, I just...
Sam said you spoke to him about
dating.
 13.

JULIA 09:31-09:34
Oh. Well, he mentioned wanting a
girlfriend and I thought --
ELSA 09:34-09:59
I appreciate you trying to help.
And he seems to enjoy his sessions
with you. But here's what else I
know. All the things that make my
son's everyday life difficult -
reading social cues, understanding
other perpectives, exchanging small
talk, all the things I've tried to
help him navigate his entire life -
are magnified in dating. Dating is
nearly entirely non-verbal
communication. And Sam is the most
literal person I have ever met.

JULIA 09:59-10:00
There are strategies I could –
------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------
ELSA
Are there strategies? Are there
strategies for not getting your
heart broken? For knowing what
people mean when they don't say it?
For speaking an emotional language
you don't understand? Falling in
love is a huge risk! Doesn't Sam
have enough to contend with?!

Elsa's clearly bringing her own baggage into this. She

tries to pull it together.
ELSA (CONT'D)
Sam's about to graduate, that alone
is a huge hurdle. Relationships are
hard enough for neuro-typicals. I
don't want to put that kind of
pressure on my son.

Julia debates her response in her head, then goes for it.
JULIA
There was a study done in Toronto a
few years ago. Over fifty percent of
people in their thirties reported
being married. On the autistic
spectrum, do you know what the
percentage was? Nine. Not because
they lack the desire but because
they don't know how to do it. Your
son has the same desire to be loved
that we all do. Why shouldn't he
pursue it?

This lands with Elsa. A beat. She stands.

 14.

ELSA
Thank you for seeing me.
She heads out.

INT. ELSA'S CAR -- LATER

Elsa sits in her car, staring out at the parking lot.
And then, SHE STARTS TO CRY.
SAM (V.O.)
When I'm trying to learn
something new...

EXT. STREET -- DAY

Sam walks down the street. He sees an ATTRACTIVE WOMAN. He
immediately stares down at his feet. He walks past her
with his head way down, chin almost on his chest.
SAM (V.O.)
Like how to write a new kind of
computer code or how to date girls...

INT. SAM'S ROOM -- DAY

Sam's on his computer.
SAM (V.O.)
I do a lot of research. I like
research.
REVEAL he's on a website called "HOW TO TALK TO HO'S."
SMOOTH GUY (V.O.)
"Insult 'em. Like, 'Baby, those are
some serious bug eyes you got.' Trust
me, brother: quickest way to get a
chick on your dick."
Sam takes notes in his notebook. CLOSE on the notebook. He
has written: INSULTS = CHICK ON DICK.

EXT. ARTHUR ASHE HIGH -- DAY

Sam sits at a picnic table, eating his lunch. Nearby a group
of PREPPY RICH WANNA-BE SKATEBOARD PUNKS stand and talk.
SAM (V.O.)
I try to examine as many sources
as possible.
SKATEBOARDER
If it's not going well with Becca
tomorrow night, I'll just introduce
(MORE)
 15.

SKATEBOARDER (CONT'D)
her to my two bros: Beauty and
the Beast.
He flexes his biceps one at a time. Sam makes a note.

EXT. FRONT STEPS -- EVENING

Casey has just come back from a run. She's sitting on the
steps drinking water. Sam's beside her with his notebook.

SAM (V.O.)
And I ask questions.
CASEY
Listen to what they say. Don't bring
up seals or penguins or whatever.
Don't stare at their boobs.

SAM
Can you slow down? I'm still at the
'no penguins' part. What if she
likes penguins?
CASEY
Assume she doesn't.
He writes something in his notebook.

INT. TECH WORLD -- DAY

Sam and Zahid are at work.
SAM (V.O.)
The trick is knowing when to put
my research to use. I'm not great
at picking up signals.
Nearby, a CUTE REDHEAD makes eye contact and smiles at him.
Sam is oblivious. Zahid elbows him.
ZAHID
Yo, Sammy, Red over there's
makin' eyes.
SAM
What?
ZAHID
(nodding at her)
That chick. Tight C-cup in aisle 4.
SAM
What about her?
ZAHID
Dude, she's smiling right at you.
 16.

SAM
Oh. So?
ZAHID
So she likes you.
SAM
She does?
Zahid nods.
SAM (CONT'D)
(slow smile)
Oh. Cool.
He looks up and grins.
CUTE GIRL'S POV: Sam is smiling very, very hard. It's a
huge, creepy smile. And he makes unwavering eye contact.
Even when she looks away, he continues to stare. It's
really very scary.

BACK TO SAM. The terrified girl hurries out.

ZAHID
Wow. You scared her away from
across the store. Impressive, dude.
Sam watches her go, truly puzzled as to what he did wrong.
CUT TO:

INT. ARTHUR ASHE HIGH HALLWAY -- THE NEXT DAY

A rowdy CROWD of students stand around a locker. Big red
letters on the front read: ORCA. A JANITOR is in the process
of removing and replacing the locker door. Nearby, a CHUBBY
GIRL stands mortified - this is clearly her locker.

Casey looks on, outraged at the injustice of it all. She

hears a HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLE and turns to see TWO MEAN
GIRLS taking in the scene with barely contained glee.
It's clear who masterminded this thing.

MEAN GIRL
Gosh, I hope the new locker
doesn't get vandalized, too. This
is so going on instagram!
She takes a photo with her phone as several KIDS laugh.
ON CASEY, her face blank. And then... SHE RUSHES THE MEAN
GIRL AND PUNCHES HER IN THE FACE.
SMASH CUT TO:
 17.

INT. KITCHEN -- LATER

Casey, hair and clothes askew, talks to an angry Elsa.
ELSA
I don't get it! You're not even
friends with Beth Chapin!
CASEY
So?! You don't have to be friends
with someone to do what's right!
Behind them, Sam sets the table for dinner. He uses OCD
precision getting everything in exactly the right places.
CASEY (CONT'D)
Of coure you don't understand. When
you were in high school, you were
the one picking on the fat kids.

ELSA
That's not true! I had a pudgy
friend! Well, until she got super
anorexic in tenth grade. Anyway,
Vivian Bennet is a lovely girl and
she did not deserve to get punched.

CASEY
Vivian Bennet is a cunt.
ELSA
CASEY!!!
On Sam, setting the table.
SAM (V.O.)
Cunt. Cunt. Cunt cunt cunt.
CUT TO:

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- DAY

Sam speaks to Julia, who is OFF CAMERA.
SAM
Sometimes a word or a phrase gets
stuck in my head. Like on a loop.
And it just plays. Over and over.
BACK TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- EVENING

Sam's setting the table.
SAM (V.O.)
Cunt. Cunt. Cuuuuuuuuuuuunt.
 18.

BACK TO Elsa and Casey.

CASEY
I don't want to talk about this
anymore, okay?!
ELSA
Well, I'm not super duper interested
in what you want right now!

Doug enters, having clearly heard the story.

DOUG
Suspended?!
CASEY
(to Elsa)
Well, you didn't waste any time.
DOUG
You're going to miss the track meet!
You're letting down your whole team,
not to mention seriously jeaopardizing
your chance of getting a scholarship.

ELSA
She also punched a pretty girl in
the face!
CASEY
Why does it matter that she's pretty?!
SAM (V.O.)
Cuntcuntcuntcuntcunt.
ELSA
Well, it goes without saying,
you're grounded. For... ever.
CASEY
(sarcastic)
That seems fair. I'm going for a
run. Am I allowed to run when I'm
grounded, warden?
ELSA
(to Doug)
You deal with her.
DOUG
Go ahead.
Casey stomps out. Doug turns to Elsa.
DOUG (CONT'D)
You okay?
ELSA
I'm fine. Totally fine.
 19.

On Elsa... clearly not fine.

EXT. STREET -- EVENING

Casey runs. A beat, then she YELLS AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.

EXT. WATTS HOUSE -- A LITTLE LATER

Casey returns from a run to find BETH CHAPIN (16), the
chubby girl from school, and her brother, EVAN CHAPIN (18),
handsome but rough around the edges.
BETH
Hey, Casey. I brought you a chocolate
cake. I make amazing cakes.
(re: her weight)
You can probably tell.
(smiles, then)
This is my brother, Evan. He drove
me here.
CASEY
Oh. Thanks for the cake.
BETH
Thank you for... today.
Just then, Sam steps out onto the porch.
SAM
CUNT!!!
CASEY
Sam!
EVAN
Jesus.
BETH
(always nice)
Um... hello.
Evan takes a step toward Sam.
EVAN
What the fuck is wrong with him?
CASEY
(immediately defensive)
Nothing's wrong with him. Get away
from him.
She steps between them. She and Evan make eye contact.
It's a stand-off. Then... he smiles. He finds her tough-
guy act adorable.
 20.

EVAN
(holds up hands)
It's cool.
Casey stomps inside, dragging Sam with her.
BETH
You forgot your chocolate cake!
But they're gone. Beth sets the cake pan on the porch.
BETH (CONT'D)
I'll just leave it on the porch...

INT. FOYER -- MOMENTS LATER

Sam and Casey step in and she SMACKS HIM IN THE HEAD.
CASEY
You're such an asshole!
But Sam can't help but smile.
SAM (V.O.)
My sister doesn't let anyone beat
me up...
FLASHBACK TO:

INT. SAM'S ROOM -- NIGHT

Sam closes the closet door and TAPS IT FOUR TIMES as Casey
RUNS UP AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE SHOULDER FOUR TIMES.

SAM
Ow!
CASEY
Gotta do it four times!
BACK TO:

INT. FOYER -- BACK TO SCENE

SAM (V.O.)
Except herself.
Sam follows Casey into the house.

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT

Elsa's cleaning up the kitchen when she notices the cap
and gown form magneted to the fridge. She takes a beat,
stares at it, then pulls herself away. She spots the CAKE
Beth brought over. She grabs a spatula and attempts to
lift it onto her CAKE PLATE but it's tricky to remove and
she ends up smearing the frosting a tiny bit.
 21.

ELSA
Oops.
She tries to smooth it over. It only makes it worse.
ELSA (CONT'D)
Darn.
She tries smoothing it over again but the cake tears. She's
getting increasingly agitated as she jams the spatula in --
ELSA (CONT'D)
Come ON!!
Finally she THROWS THE SPATULA DOWN WITH A YELL AND
GRABS THE CAKE IN HER HANDS, TEARING IT TO CHUNKS, AND
PLOPPING THEM ON THE CAKE PLATE just as:
Sam enters, taking in the scene.
SAM
What are you doing?
ELSA
(calm as can be)
Just putting the cake away, sweetie!
She delicately covers the RUINED HEAP OF CAKE.

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- ANOTHER DAY

Sam sits with Julia.
JULIA
So, how was your week?
SAM
Well, I still don't have a date and
I scared a girl off from across the
room the other day and we had
meatloaf twice and I hate meatloaf.

JULIA
How?
SAM
My mom just made it in the oven.
JULIA
I mean, how'd you scare her away?
SAM
I don't know.
JULIA
Pretend I'm her. What'd you do?
 22.

SAM
I just smiled at her. Like this.
Sam replicates the too-big, creepy stare from earlier.
It's just as bad this time around.
JULIA
I see the problem.
She sits back down.
SAM
I read about it online! "Making eye
contact and smiling" is step one for
flirting! That's what I did! Look.
He opens his notebook. Thrusts it at her.
JULIA
(reading)
"Insults equal chick on dick?"
SAM
Not that part, the eye contact part.
JULIA
Okay, but we should get to that at
some point. Anyway, the problem is
you're crossing the line from flirty
to creepy. When you make eye contact,
you have to look away a little bit.

SAM
How can I make eye contact and look
away? I'm not a mantis shrimp!

JULIA
(demonstrating)
Make eye contact, glance away,
make eye contact again. Otherwise,
it can seem scary.
SAM
Hang on, let me write that down.
He does.
JULIA
Now, the smile. You need to turn
that down like seventy-percent.
SAM
Seventy-percent smaller?
JULIA
At least.
Sam makes his creepy, huge smile, then dials it back slightly.
 23.

JULIA (CONT'D)
Try no teeth.
He does.
JULIA (CONT'D)
That's the one. That's perfect.
SAM
(through his new smile)
How will I remember what it
should look like?
JULIA
Give me your phone.
He does. She snaps a picture of it.
JULIA (CONT'D)
Use this as a reference.
Sam looks at the picture.
SAM
You didn't center it properly. Want
to take another one?

INT. RESTAURANT -- EVENING

Doug and Elsa sip drinks in a romantic bistro.
DOUG
Look at us. Our first date night in
years. Here's a tip, if you get me
drunk enough, I may put out.
ELSA
Honey, I know you better than that.
One more and you'll be asleep in front
of ESPN before I brush my teeth.

DOUG
You're right. But there's nothing
that can be done about it now.
They laugh, it's a sweet moment between them.
ELSA
You know, there's a tiny, miniscule
chance you were right: a night out
was a good idea. I'm even wearing a --
(whispers)
Thong!
(regular voice)
Super uncomfortable.
DOUG
See, I missed this.
 24.

ELSA
Me too. It's just hard for me to
relax sometimes, I get so worried
about the kids.
DOUG
Don't worry about the kids. The
kids are great.
And suddenly, the light mood has evaporated.
ELSA
The kids are "great"?
DOUG
Oh come on, don't do this.
ELSA
I'm not doing anything. I just want
to hear why you think the kids are
so great.
DOUG
Why are you getting upset?
ELSA
Because the implication is that I
worry over nothing.
DOUG
Well, sometimes you do! So Sam wants
to date. Who cares? He's eighteen!
It'd be weird if he didn't want to.
ELSA
Because it's not just dating. It's
everything. First dating. Then
graduating. Then he's moving out
into the world and we can't
protect him. It's terrifying!

DOUG
But that's what we want for him!
ELSA
But what if he fails?
DOUG
Well, that's just the wrong attitude--
ELSA
It's not "wrong," it's how I feel.
I'm the one who's been in the
trenches with him for eighteen
years. You've never been close to
Sam. Honestly, sometimes I think you
don't like him very much.

She's hit a nerve. A tense beat, then:

 25.

DOUG
I love our son. I always have. Has
it been hard to connect with him,
yes. I thought he'd be like me. Or
like you. But he's not like either
of us or anyone I've ever met.

ELSA
(softening)
I know --
DOUG
Do you remember his ninth birthday?
All he wanted was an igloo. A goddamn
igloo. And you remember what I did?
ELSA
You built it.
DOUG
I spent nineteen hours hauling and
stacking fucking ice blocks in the
backyard. That's how bad I want my
kid to like me. To notice I'm
there. And then he wouldn't go in,
not even step inside, because the
blocks weren't lined up precisely.

ELSA
I just meant --
DOUG
You're not the only one in the
family with an autistic kid, Elsa.
A waitress comes by.
WAITRESS
Can I get you anything else?
A beat, then:
ELSA
No, I think we're done.

INT. LIVING ROOM -- EVENING

The TV's on. Casey's eating mac-n-cheese on the couch.
Sam's on his laptop. There's a knock at the door.
CASEY
Not it.
Sam, completely oblivious, doesn't move. Casey sighs,
annoyed, then heads to the door. On her way out, she
purposely BUMPS INTO SAM, hard, jostling his computer.
 26.

SAM
Hey!

EXT. WATTS HOUSE -- MOMENTS LATER

Casey opens the door to find Evan, Beth Chapin's brother.
EVAN
Hi. I just came to get Beth's cake
pan back.
CASEY
Okay. I could've brought it to school.
As she walks off:
CASEY (CONT'D)
(sotto)
Weird.
Evan smiles. He shifts from foot to foot, then pokes his
head in, trying to get a peek when CASEY RETURNS. She
thrusts the cake pan at him.
CASEY (CONT'D)
There you go. It's been washed
twice. Once by me and then once by
my mom because that's how she is.
EVAN
Thanks.
(he doesn't move)
That was nice of you to punch that
girl in the face for my sister.
CASEY
Uh... You're welcome.
She starts to go back inside.
EVAN
Do you want to go out some time?
Casey stops, a little thrown.
CASEY
Go out? With you?
EVAN
That's what I was thinking, yeah.
CASEY
Sorry, I don't really date. It's a
distraction I don't need. I'm going
to get a track scholarship and get
the hell out of this town.
 27.

EVAN
Fair enough. I'll probably change
your mind about dating, though.
Sam rushes out, holding his laptop.
SAM
Stop the presses!! A girl wants to
go out with me!!
(then, noticing Evan)
Oh. Hello.
He turns around coolly, but before he gets inside, he
can't help himself and does a LITTLE HAPPY DANCE.
CASEY
I gotta go.
She follows Sam inside.

INT. LIVING ROOM -- MOMENTS LATER

Sam is on the couch, but he's so excited he can't sit still.
He's practically bouncing up and down.
SAM
Her name is "Bree," B-R-E-E, and
she likes something called vegan
taquitos and she has a cat named
Simba. I don't love cats, do you
think she'd get rid of it?

CASEY
Do not ask her that.
(then)
So where are you going to go?
SAM
I'm going to tell her to come
here. Mom can make us spaghetti
and meatballs and garlic bread!
CASEY
No. Absolutely not.
SAM
No spaghetti?
CASEY
No date at this house.
SAM
Why not?
CASEY
Cuz that's super weird. You have to
go out somewhere.
 28.

SAM
How about Tech World?
CASEY
You want to bring your date to an
appliance store?
SAM
I have to go where I'm comfortable!
It'll be fun. We can sample
different TVs and see which one has
the best clarity. I already know but
we'll see if she gets it right.

ON THE LAPTOP: A new message from Bree pops up.

CASEY
She wants to go bowling.
SAM
Bowling?! What kind of person goes
bowling?!
Sam takes the pencil and rubber band out of his pocket
and starts to do his sensory stimulation.
CASEY
Hey, relax. It'll be okay.
SAM
No, it won't!
CASEY
(realizing)
No, it wont.

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- DAY

Sam is being interviewed.
SAM
Being in a loud, unfamiliar place
can be hard for me. I can't think.
I can't listen. Sometimes I have to
yell to hear myself over the noise,
like: "LALALALA!" Which makes
people uncomfortable. But don't
worry, I have a strategy.

INT. BOWLING ALLEY -- NIGHT

A fun bowling alley, complete with a low-key eating area
near the bar. Sam sits at a table across from his date,
BREE (18). He's wearing NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES. He
talks very loudly to hear himself through the headphones.
 29.

SAM
Floor here's kind of sticky. Did you
know some frogs have pads on their
feet that secrete a thin layer of
mucus to help them stick to things?

A beat, then:
BREE
Why the hell are you wearing
headphones?
SAM
Oh, I only turned on the noise
cancellation feature. Need a little
bit of protection from the racket.

He forces a grin. Then, remembering, turns it down

about seventy percent. An awkward beat.
UNDER THE TABLE -- Sam glances at his notebook in his lap.
SAM (CONT'D)
Baby, those are some serious bug
eyes you got.
BREE
Are you serious? Is that a joke?
She seems angry. Sam's flustered. He awkwardly flexes his
muscles, one at a time.
SAM
Beauty. Beast.
BREE
What are you doing?
Sam's really thrown off. None of this is working at all.
SAM
I don't like cats! Would you be
willing to get rid of Simba?
Bree looks at him like he's crazy.

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- DAY

Sam sits with Julia.
JULIA
So the date with Bree didn't go well.
SAM
No. And I had one more date after
that. A girl from a different school
who my sister knows from track.
(MORE)
 30.

SAM (CONT'D)
This time Casey let me invite her
to our house.
FLASHBACK TO:

INT. WATTS HOUSE -- EVENING

Sam sits on the couch with a HIPPY-LOOKING GIRL.
SAM
... And then Roald Amundsen, the
first man to reach the South Pole,
shot some of his dogs to feed to
the other dogs! He made them
canibalize each other!

A beat.
HIPPY LOOKING GIRL
What does that have to do with me
being a vegetarian?
SAM
(duh)
Dogs are meat.
BACK TO:

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- DAY

SAM
I think some people aren't meant
to date and I think I'm one of
those some people. It's too hard.
You have to guess what people are
thinking. And not just people.
Girls! If you ask me, that's just
impossible.

Julia can't disagree with him.

EXT. STREET / DANCE STUDIO -- DAY

Doug walks down the street, passing a dance studio.
He watches a class through the window for a minute.
WOMAN (O.S.)
Thinking of jumping in?
He turns to see CHLOE, 25, gorgeous, a dancer.
DOUG
Oh, no. I'm not much of a dancer.
 31.

CHLOE
Well, there's only one way to get
better.
DOUG
I wouldn't want to scare anyone.
She laughs, then grabs a SCHEDULE from a box on the door.
CHLOE
Take a schedule. Just in case.
(re: schedule)
That's me. I'm an instructor.
DOUG
Thanks...
(reading)
Chloe.
She smiles at him. Doug smiles back then walks on.

INT. TECH WORLD -- DAY

Sam's behind the Tech Desk. Zahid, in a shiny button-
down shirt, comes over.
ZAHID
You think this shirt's too shiny?
Trick question. No such thing. So,
how's it going with the ladies?
SAM
I'm not dating anymore. Girls think
I'm weird.
ZAHID
You are weird. So what? I got a
cousin who drank his own pee to
see how it would taste. Dude's got
a smoking hot wife. Hey, look...

He gestures across the store to the CUTE REDHEAD from earlier.

ZAHID (CONT'D)
Red's back. Ask her out. Go go go.
On Sam, deciding.

INT. TECH WORLD -- MOMENTS LATER

"Red," AKA RILEY (19), browses printers. Sam approaches.
SAM
Laser or inkjet?
RILEY
What? Oh, I don't know. I don't
really know anything about this.
 32.

SAM
(horrified)
Didn't you do any research?
RILEY
Um... no. I guess I should have.
But for once in his life, Sam is actually smooth.
SAM
Well, lucky for you, I love research.
And I know all about these printers.
You should get--
(indicates a printer)
This one. All the others are
garbage and should be set on fire.
She laughs.
RILEY
Wow, thanks. You're really helpful.
Sam just stands there, smiling.
RILEY (CONT'D)
Uh, was there something else?
SAM
Um...
He glances over to see ZAHID, who WAVES, then MIMES
HAVING SEX. Sam quickly turns away.
SAM (CONT'D)
(in a rush)
Would you like to go on a date
with me, that's why I came over
here in the first place, not to
help you with printers?

On Riley: puzzled, amused, deciding.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. TECH WORLD PARKING LOT -- MOMENTS LATER

Zahid is smoking a cigarette. Nearby Sam, full of joy,
spins around in circles with his arms outstretched. He
looks like Julie Andrews in that field. He looks
ridiculous. Zahid just watches. A CUSTOMER walks by.

ZAHID
He got a date.
The customer nods and continues on.
 33.

INT. DOUG AND ELSA'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Doug finishes throwing gym clothes into a duffel bag.
ELSA
Going to hockey?
DOUG
Yeah. I shouldn't be too late.
ELSA
Hon, I'm sorry about dinner the
other night. I think I'm just
having a hard time with all this
change. Sam's graduation. Dating.
I'm just... scared.

DOUG
I know. And hey, I got you something.
He picks up his jacket and takes something out of the pocket.
Hands it to her. It's the dance studio schedule.
DOUG (CONT'D)
You used to love to dance. You
should check it out. Have some fun.
Maybe make a friend.
Elsa's touched.
ELSA
Thank you.
(then)
Sheesh, I don't even know if I'll
be able to dance anymore!
SMASH CUT TO:

INT. DANCE STUDIO -- EVENING

ON ELSA, DANCING HER BRAINS OUT. It's a fun, high-
energy class and Elsa's thrilled and giving it her all.

INT. DANCE STUDIO -- A LITTLE LATER

Class has just ended. A sweaty, happy Elsa approaches Chloe.
ELSA
That was so fun. Thank you.
CHLOE
You're welcome. Great job. You're
a dancer, huh?
ELSA
Oh, no. I mean, a long time ago.
(MORE)
 34.

ELSA (CONT'D)
(unable to resist)
I was captain of the dance squad
in college, we ranked nationally
three times, almost four, we were
robbed, but its been forever.

CHLOE
Well, nice to meet you. I'm Chloe.
Hey, a few of us are gonna go grab
a drink. You wanna come?
ELSA
Why not? My husband told me to make
a friend.

INT. BAR VITA -- LATER

Elsa sits with Chloe and a couple other girls in a funky
bar. The bartender, NICK (mid-20s), a handsome free-
spirit, approaches. He gestures to Elsa's empty drink.
NICK
Can I get you another one?
ELSA
No, unfortunately I think I've escaped
my real life for long enough.
(then)
I'm sorry! I have no idea why I
just said that. I love my life.
Love. Love love.
He smiles at her, then:
NICK
I'm getting you that drink.
He walks off and Elsa watches him.

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT -- NIGHT

It's a cozy, casual Italian place. Sam and Riley sit at
a table by the window. It's quiet, then:
SAM
You're very pretty.
RILEY
Thanks. I always thought my nose
was too big.
SAM
A little but the rest of your
face makes up for it.
A beat. Is this guy serious? Then... she laughs.
 35.

RILEY
Wow, you're really honest, huh?
SAM
Yes. Is that bad?
RILEY
No, it's refreshing. Tell me more.
SAM
Okay. I'm really good at fixing
computers and programming code. Most
women hate my guts after the first
date. I love penguins but I'm not
supposed to talk about it. I've never
had sex before. And I have a turtle
named Edison who's named after Thomas
Edison but he's not as smart.

She laughs again. Sam relaxes.

RILEY
You're hilarious.
SAM
Thank you.
RILEY
You've never had sex?
SAM
No.
RILEY
Want to?
On Sam, shocked.

EXT. HOUSE -- EVENING

Casey's coming home from a run. Evan jogs toward her
from the other direction.
CASEY
Hey, what are you doing here?
EVAN
I wanted to see if you changed
your mind yet. Brought you this.
He offers her a Snickers bar. Casey studies him.
CASEY
What's up? Why are you doing this?
EVAN
(shrugs)
I like you.
 36.

CASEY
Why?
EVAN
Cuz most people don't stand up to
assholes. You do.
Beat. Casey looks at him, then she smiles and grabs the
Snickers. They sit on the steps. As they continue to talk:
SAM (V.O.)
I think if it were really, really
cold, like Antarctica cold, the
coldness would feel like a sound.

INT. RILEY'S DORM ROOM -- NIGHT

It's a small, girly dorm room. Sam sits stiffly on the
bed, waiting. He's very, very nervous.
SAM (V.O.)
The cold would be so intense you
could hear it. I would like to hear
that sound.
Riley comes out of the bathroom. She smiles, then takes
off her shirt. Sam's eyes go wide.
SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Because the cold in Antarctica
isn't anything we can imagine.
Riley walks over and sits down on the bed next to him.
SAM
I've never been in a dorm before.
This isn't how I thought it'd smell.
She puts her hand on his leg. Sam looks very uncomfortable.

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- DAY

SAM
Sometimes being touched makes me...
jumpy. It has to be a hard touch.
Like pressure. I like pressure. I
don't like soft. Is it okay to say
that on the first date?

BACK TO:

INT. RILEY'S DORM ROOM -- NIGHT

Riley gently rubs Sam's leg. He looks extremely
uncomfortable. She moves up to his chest. He looks like he
might run. Then she touches his face. Without warning, SAM
REFLEXIVELY SHOVES HER, PUSHING HER OFF THE BED.
 37.

RILEY
Ah! What the hell?!
SAM
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
She stands up, furious.
RILEY
What is wrong with you???
SAM
I'm sorry.
RILEY
Seriously. Are you retarded? Is
there something wrong with your
brain? Get the fuck out of my room.
Sam is utterly humiliated. He exits.

EXT. STREET -- NIGHT

Sam walks on the street, devastated.
SAM (V.O.)
Sometimes when I feel the most alone,
I imagine myself in that ice, frozen,
unable to move, but safe.

A car HONKS. Sam rushes out of the way.

INT. BAR VITA -- NIGHT

Elsa sips her drink and chats with Nick. They've been
talking for awhile and have a good rapport.
NICK
Then there was Mel, she was probably
my longest relationship, like a month.

ELSA
(teasing)
Ooh, a month!
NICK
(smiles)
Stop it. Why am I telling you this?
Let's talk about something else.
ELSA
No, I'm sorry, keep going. What
happened with Mel?
NICK
I don't know I just... I like what
I do, you know?
(MORE)
 38.

NICK (CONT'D)
I don't mean work, necessarily, just
my life. I wake up when I want. I go
where I want. I do what I want. Last
week I wanted to drive up to the
mountains and camp so I did. Didn't
have to plan anything or run it by
anyone. Maybe it's weird but I
just... I need that.

A beat as Elsa stares at him, then:

ELSA
Honestly? I think that's the best
thing I ever heard.
He smiles at her.

EXT. WATTS HOUSE -- NIGHT

Casey and Evan are still on the stoop, talking and laughing.
Sam approaches. He looks terrible. Sweaty, upset, tired.
EVAN
Hey, there he is! Captain Cunt!
CASEY
Sam? What happened?
Sam just looks at her and... STARTS TO CRY.

INT. KITCHEN -- LATER

Sam, Casey, and Evan sit around the table, drinking tea.
Sam has calmed down some, but is still visibly shaken.
Casey eyes him with concern. Evan notices.
EVAN
Hey, man, don't feel too bad. The
first time's always a shit show. My
first time, I was so hammered I
barfed on my dong!

Casey bursts out laughing.

EVAN (CONT'D)
Seriously. Like, full-on projectile
vomit. It was like a firehose!
Evan mimes violently puking. Sam cracks a small smile.
EVAN (CONT'D)
(teasing)
How about you, Case? Was it crappy
your first time, too?
 39.

CASEY
Okay, gross. I am not discussing my
sex life with my brother. Not that
I have one to discuss anyway.
Casey and Evan exchange a brief glance. She looks off,
embarrassed. Sam stares into his half-finished tea.

SAM
Sometimes I wish I was normal.
Beat. Evan places a hand on Sam's shoulder. Sam doesn't
even flinch.
EVAN
Dude. Nobody's normal.
Casey looks at Evan surprised. Sam nods, clutching his
teacup with both hands, like he's afraid if he doesn't,
it'll disappear forever.

INT. SAM'S BEDROOM -- NIGHT

Sam's lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling.
SAM (V.O.)
In fourth grade, my biology teacher,
Mr. Durocher, he was fat, told us that
penguins are similar to humans...
Doug appears in the doorway. He watches Sam, wordlessly.

INT. BAR VITA -- NIGHT

Elsa and Nick continue to talk, ignoring everyone else
in the bar.
SAM (V.O.)
... Because once they copulate, they
stay with the same partner for life.
NICK
So, what about you? What's your
life like?
ELSA
Me? I'm... nothing. I'm just a
boring old mom.
Nick shakes his head, then puts his hand on hers.
NICK
You are not nothing.
Elsa can't keep her eyes off his hand on hers.
 40.

ELSA
(not moving)
I should go.
NICK
Stay.
Her eyes meet his. And suddenly it's super charged
between them. HOLY SHIT, ARE THEY ABOUT TO KISS?!?!
SAM (V.O.)
But according to the 2010 census,
which is the most recent data I
could acquire, forty-nine percent
of marriages end in divorce.

And then Elsa pulls her hand away as if she were electrocuted.
Coming to her senses, she jumps up and turns for the door.
She looks for something to say, some way to regain control
of the situation.
ELSA
... If you turn the heat up in
your dishwasher, you won't have
those spots on the glasses.
And she's out. Nick watches her go, amused, intrigued.

EXT. ZOO - PENGUIN ENCLOSURE -- THE NEXT DAY

ON SOME PENGUINS in an enclosure at the zoo.
SAM (V.O.)
Penguins mate for life. So penguins
aren't like people. They're better.

Sam and Doug sit on a bench, watching the penguins.

DOUG
They're funny, the way they waddle
around. They remind me of you kids
when you were... well... kids.
Sam doesn't know how to respond to that so he doesn't.
An awkward beat. Doug plows forward.
DOUG (CONT'D)
Casey told me what happened. With
the girl.
SAM
I wish I had a time machine. I
would go back and never ask her out
in the first place! I'd never even
see her, I'd just look over my
shoulder at the wall!
 41.

DOUG
No. Look, I may not know much about
a lot of the stuff you're into, but
girls I know about. And they're
tough. And I'm proud of you for
putting yourself out there. The
truth is, nobody knows what they're
doing. We're all just groping our
way through, completely blind,
trying to figure it out.

SAM
I should never go on another date.
I should stay away from girls!
DOUG
No, hey. You've got some stuff to
figure out, sure. But you will.
You're a good guy, Sam. You're
sensitive and funny and the woman
who ends up with you will be lucky.
You want to marry your best friend.

SAM
Edison?!
DOUG
No, not your turtle, Sam.
SAM
You said "my best friend." He's my
best friend.
Elsa enters CARRYING POPCORN. She stops, senses the
heaviness of the conversation. Listens.
DOUG
I meant find someone who appreciates
you for what you are. Someone who
really loves all the odd little
things about you, who gets you.

SAM
What about the sex stuff?
DOUG
Don't worry about that for now. When
you find the right person, that will
all sort itself out, okay?

SAM
Okay.
(beat)
Penguins mate for life, you know.
DOUG
Yeah? Good for them.
 42.

They watch the penguins as Elsa finally approaches.

ELSA
Who wants popcorn?
Sam digs in, Doug smiles at his son. Elsa glances at
Doug, guilt flickering across her face.

INT. JULIA'S OFFICE -- DAY

Sam sits with Julia.
JULIA
So, how are you feeling now? Still
ready to give up on dating?
SAM
I don't know. My dad said to find
someone who appreciates me for
what I am. Which is a weirdo.
JULIA
(absently)
Well, if you're a weirdo, then I
don't even know what you'd call
some of the guys I've dated.
Sam glances up at her, intrigued.
SAM
Why? What was wrong with them?
JULIA
(catches herself) Nothing,
sorry, that's totally
inappropriate. We're not here for
me, we're here for you.
SAM
I'm here for you.
Julia smiles.
JULIA
Well, that's sweet. But I shouldn't
burden you with my own dating mishaps.
I guess you're just easy to talk to.
Sam pauses. You can almost see the wheels turning.
SAM
You're easy to talk to, too. Which
is good. Cuz if you weren't, you'd
go broke!
Julia laughs, then gets up to check something on her
computer screen. As she does, Sam watches her with a new
interest. It's suddenly dawning on him. She gets him.
 43.

She likes him for who he is. He knows what he has to do.
SAM (V.O.)
When a male gentoo penguin chooses a
mate, he makes an offering. He finds
a pebble, often taking the time to
choose the smoothest one, and
presents it to the female.

Sam stands as if about to make a proclamation. Which he is.

SAM (V.O.) (CONT'D) I'm
a human, so it would be weird to
offer a pebble.
SAM
I decided I want to give you my brain.
Julia looks over, surprised.
JULIA
What?
SAM
After I die.
JULIA
Really?! Oh, Sam, that's so great.
You're going to help so many people.
Thank you so much.
He smiles.
JULIA (CONT'D)
Good smile. Not creepy at all.
SAM
I've been practicing.
She sits back down and they continue their session.
SAM (V.O.)
If she places the pebble in her
nest, that means she accepts him as
a mate. And as you already know,
penguins mate for life.

And we...
FADE OUT.