Community Episode 208

“Cooperative Calligraphy”
Episode #208
Written By:
Megan Ganz
Directed By:
Joe Russo
Community
Episode #208
Cast List
Jeff.................................. Joel McHale

Britta..............................Gillian Jacobs
Annie..................................Alison Brie
Troy.................................Donald Glover
Abed....................................Danny Pudi
Pierce.................................Chevy Chase
Shirley........................Yvette Nicole Brown
Dean Pelton...............................Jim Rash
“Community” - #208 - “Cooperative Calligraphy” 1
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
INT. STUDY ROOM- DAY
The Study group is around the table working on their

Anthropology project. TROY, BRITTA, SHIRLEY, ANNIE, and
ABED are putting the final touches on the diorama,
while JEFF is texting, and PIERCE, bound to a
wheelchair is watching from afar.
TROY
Does anyone know how long it
takes papier-mache to dry?
JEFF
(Glancing up from his phone)
Three hours longer than it
took Duncan to think up this
assignment.
ANNIE
(gesturing at project)
I think he's really gonna
appreciate the extra work we
did expanding our evolutionary
chart.
Annie pulls out her cell phone.
ANNIE (CONT'D)
Oh, Britta, can you hold up
the final stage of humanity?
Britta holds up a paper-mache sculpture of a humanoid-

like creature, with a long neck, wings, and an extra
leg. Annie takes a photograph.
BRITTA
I still think that man is
going to evolve into woman,not
dragon monster with three

legs.
PIERCE
(Confused)
Three legs?
Britta sets down the sculpture, and Jeff stands up to

leave.
JEFF
Well, it's been real... At
least the paste smell
has...But I have a date to
catch. Or should I say a catch
to date.
BRITTA
(Groans, and glares at Jeff)
Oof, hope you just come up
with that.
DEAN PELTON is standing in the study room’s doorway,

holding a puppy in his arms.
DEAN
Look out! Drive-by deaning!
Kidding. Just a non-violent
verbal reminder. The local
shelter is having a puppy
parade this afternoon.
BRITTA/ANNIE
Ohh!
TROY
Oh! I want to lick it.
DEAN
I expect all of you to lend a
paw.
(Turns to leave)
Except you, Jeffrey. I know

you've gotta catch to date.
Dean exits, taking the puppy with him. Britta looks
back at Jeff, glaring.
JEFF
(To Britta)
Oh, like you're famous for
your wit.
The group all begin to gather their belongings, so they

can head to the puppy parade.
ABED
(To Troy)
Puppy parade?
TROY
I am in.
Troy and Abed do their signature handshake.
TROY (CONT’D)
Want to see if those wiener
dogs are born that way,or if
they start off normal and then
get wiener.
ANNIE
(To Abed)
Abed, did you pick up my pen?
It's a purple pen with a gel
grip.
ABED
(To Annie)
Nope. I'm strictly mechanical
pencils these days.
PIERCE
More relatable?
ANNIE
(slightly frustrated)
It was just here.
ABED
(To Annie)
You okay, Annie? Chocolate?
Abed offers Annie a piece of chocolate that she

gratefully accepts.
SHIRLEY
(to Pierce)
Would you like me to push you
to the parade, Pierce?
PIERCE
Oh, no, thanks. I don't want
people think of me as a
handicap. If anything, this
chair makes me more than a
human.
Pierce Puts his mouth over a tube connected to his

wheelchair, and it begins moving backwards. The rest of
the group blankly stare at him.
TRUCK BACKING UP NOISE
PIERCE (CONT’D)
You move it by blowing into
this, uh, tube here. It's the
most expensive one.
Pierce Begins to wipe the tube off with a cloth.
PIERCE (CONT’D)
I outbid three hospitals for
this baby,and it was worth
every penny.
Pierce accidentally blows on the tube, causing the

wheelchair to begin rotating as Pierce attempts to stop
it..
PIERCE
(Struggling)
Oh. Oh!
The study group, except for Annie begin to walk towards

the door.
ANNIE
Wait! Please just wait.
The group stops.

ANNIE (CONT’D)
I'm sorry, but I need to know
who took my pen.
Everyone but Annie glances at one another.
BRITTA
Uh... Sorry, I don't see it.
JEFF
Yeah, sorry, Annie.
The Group turns and begins to leave again.
ANNIE
(angrier)
No! Not "sorry, Annie". We
passed "sorry, Annie" eight
pens ago! I keep bringing
pens,and you guys keep taking
them,and I'm afraid I am
putting my foot down.
SHIRLEY
Okay. Well, now, Annie has
made it clear that this is an
issue,so from now on, we need

to be more respectful of her
things. - Okay.
The group nods at one another.
ABED
-Cool.
The Group, minus Annie, turns to leave, when suddenly

Annie begins to wail and shake in frustration, like a
child having a tantrum. Everyone turns back around,
staring at Annie in shock, as she continues to scream.
FADE OUT:
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
CUT TO:
INT. STUDY ROOM- DAY
Everyone is back in the study room, searching around

for Annie’s missing pen. No one is taking the search
too seriously, and stop looking after a haphazard sweep
of the area.
JEFF
All right, it's not on the
floor, - so whoever
accidentally took…
ANNIE
-Not accidentally! Accidents
don't just happen over and
over and over again, okay?
This isn't budget daycare.
JEFF
(Sarcastically)
Okay, whoever insidiously and
with great malice aforethought
abducted Annie's pen, confess,
repent, and relinquish so we
can leave.
TROY
Maybe nobody took it.
Sometimes I think I lost
something really important to
me,and it turns out I already
ate it.
ANNIE
(Annoyed)
I didn't eat my pen, Troy.I
know I brought it, and now
it's gone. I took a photo.
Annie gasps, grabbing her phone from the table. She

opens it and finds the photo she had taken of Britta
earlier. She then holds it out for everyone to see.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
(Slightly more erratic)
Aha! Aha. I'm zooming. See?
See? I took this ten minutes
ago. My pen was on the table.
No one has come in or out
since. One of you has my pen
right now.
Annie sits down, and crosses her arms.
JEFF
Annie. It's a pen.
ANNIE
It's not a pen! It's a
principle.
Suddenly, Troy turns around and reaches for his

backpack. They all gasp.
TROY
Not a good time to get a stick
of gum. Okay.
ABED
Are we going to the puppy
parade or not? Because this is
starting to feel like a bottle
episode.
PIERCE
Again with the TV crap.
PIERCE (CONT’D)
(To Abed)
Hey, meatball, did you take
Annie's pen to make life more
like Benny Hill or whatever
you do?
ANNIE
(softly, to abed)
Abed?
ABED
I wouldn't do that. I hate
bottle episodes.They're wall-
to-wall facial expression and
emotional nuance. I might as
well sit in the corner with a
bucket on head.
Britta, having had enough of this, begins to gather her

things to leave again.
BRITTA
Well, I have a photography
project to finish, and my
grandmother's hands aren't
going to take close-ups of
themselves. Hasta la later.
ANNIE
Hmm!
Britta stops in her tracks.
BRITTA
Was that "hmm" directed at me?
ANNIE
If the "hmm" fits.
BRITTA
“Community” - #208 - “Cooperative Calligraphy”
10
I don't have your pen, Annie.
ANNIE
I'm always lending you
supplies. You never come
prepared.
BRITTA
If it's so important to you,
here, have my pen.
Britta holds out the pen she was carrying to Annie.
JEFF
(To Britta)
That's my pen.
BRITTA
Well, whatever, people.
They're just things.
ANNIE
(to Britta)
Since they're just things, I
don't suppose you'd mind
letting us take a quick look-
see inside your bag?
BRITTA
Oh, I'd very much mind, Annie.
There’s no such thing as a
"quick" invasion of civil
liberties.
(ALL GROAN)
PIERCE
(A little late to the groan)
Oh, man.
BRITTA
11
(Passionately)
Oh, it all starts with a quick
look-see into someone's bag
and then it's a brisk peeka-
roony at our phone records,
and before you can say "1984",
the thought police are forcy-
worcing you to bend and
spread.
JEFF
Bend and spread? Are the
thought police gonna make love
to us?
TROY
Do they find thoughts in our
butts?
TROY (CONT’D)
(Quieter, to himself)
I knew I should have read that
book.
ANNIE
Britta, stop using the
constitution as a baby
blanket. Last week, she
invoked the Freedom of
Information Act to request
photocopies of my notes.
Everyone murmurs their approvals.
JEFF
Heh. That's pretty good.
BRITTA
12
Well, excuse me for living
free.
PIERCE
Come on, Stoney, we all know
the pen's in your bag!
ALL
- Yeah! Come on!
JEFF
- Come on, dump it.
Everyone cheers Britta on, leading to her slamming down

her books and dumping the contents of her bag on the
table. Various junk items come out, spilling all over
the table.
BRITTA
Happy?
JEFF
Not if that's a used q-tip.
ALL
Eww!
BRITTA
(becoming more passionate and
accusatory.)
Yes, gross. Welcome to the
gross business of martial law.
Welcome to what used to be
individuality, seized and
disintegrated by cowardly
groupthink. Welcome, my
friends! Welcome to the
machine!
JEFF
13
Well, Annie, it looks like you
were wrong. Britta does come
prepared for one thing.
Jeff digs out a roll of condoms from the pile, and

holds it up for everyone to see. Annie Gasps.
JEFF
(To Britta)
Or six. Big weekend?
BRITTA
(To Jeff)
Can't complain.
PIERCE
Razzle pzazzle.
DEAN [OVER PA]

Attention, students! The puppy
parade is starting on the
quad! Better come quick. With
every passing moment, these
puppies grow older and less
deserving of our attention.
The Group (Minus Annie and Britta) begin yet again to

grab their things and leave the study room.
BRITTA
(Angrily)
Whoa whoa whoa! Where do you
people think you're going?
TROY
Uh, have you ever gone to a
puppy parade halfway through,
Britta?
(Scoffs)
It is pointless.
14
BRITTA
Then you clearly stole the
pen. The Patriot Act cuts both
ways.
JEFF
(To Britta, slightly hushed)
Actually, it's pretty one-
sided. That's kind of the
point.
BRITTA
Here's my point. Whoever's the
pen thief is just stood there
and watched me get
Guantanamoed. And I'd like to
know who it is, so I can let
them know that they have lost
my trust forever.
ABED
(Sits back down)
It's a bottle episode.
SHIRLEY
(To Britta)
Britta, we're sorry we
embarrassed you and looked at
your prophylactic equipment.
Your lifestyle mistakes are
none of our business.
BRITTA
(To Shirley, passive-aggressively)
Oh, thanks, Shirley. But now
let's rustle through your
tampons and wallet so we can
apologize to you.
SHIRLEY
15
Oh, I'm sure everybody here
knows that I don't steal.
ANNIE
(To Shirley)
Have you checked your bag,
Shirley? If you took it by
mistake, I forgive you.
BRITTA
Oh, so if I took it, it's
larceny, but if you find it
under mother hen, it's a
mistake.
SHIRLEY
(To Britta, Offended)
Mother hen? I think we're
about the same age.
BRITTA
(To Shirley)
Sure, unless time is linear.
SHIRLEY
(To Britta, angrily)
I'll make your ass linear.
BRITTA
(To Shirley, confused)
That doesn't make any sense.
SHIRLEY
(To Britta)
I'll make ya ass sense.
PIERCE
(Cutting in)
Girls, don't get your panties
puckered. We all know what
we're really thinking. If...
16
and I mean if... the culprit
is among us, statistically
speaking, it's Troy.
JEFF
(Sarcastically)
Yes, we were all just thinking
that in 1856.
TROY
1856. What if a ghost took the
pen?
SHIRLEY
(Looking up)
- Please forgive him.
TROY
(To Shirley
- For what?
PIERCE
(To Troy)
For stealing the pen, dummy.
TROY
Why would I take her pen? I
don't even like having my own.
It's probably under one of
Pierce's casts. He uses
everything to itch his legs.
We're on our third DVD remote.
PIERCE
If I took the pen, I'd say so.
TROY
17
You probably forgot. You've
been popping painkillers like
tic-tacs.
Pierce pulls out a bottle of painkillers and begins to

read.
PIERCE
Oh, yeah, right."Side effects:
Verbal dysphasia" "and octopus
loss." I don't see anything on
this squirrel about memory,
Troy.
Shirley goes to sit down

SHIRLEY
Now I want to know who has it.
ANNIE
Yeah, nice try Shirley, that
doesn't take you off the list.
Jeff, you're in charge.I
demand you deal with this.
JEFF
There's nothing to deal with.
ABED
(annoyed)
I'll say.
Jeff stands up to give a classic Winger monologue.
JEFF
Ok, alright, alright. Everyone
breathe.- You know what this
is?
ABED
- Yep.
18
JEFF
Shut up. This is a normal day
with a bunch of friends who
are done studying and a pen
that maybe rolled away.
ANNIE
- "Rolled away"?
JEFF
- Or fell down someone's shoe.
ANNIE
- Let's check shoes.
JEFF
- Annie! Fine, fine. Someone
in this room is hiding your
pen. Want to know why? They
feel terrible. They made a
mistake. They waited too long
come forward, and now they
feel bad.
BRITTA
- They should.
ANNIE
- Mm-hmm!
JEFF
Okay. Okay, so, pen thief, we
understand what happened, and
we forgive you.
ANNIE
- If you confess and
apologize!
19
ALL
(In agreement)
JEFF
Right. But here's the trick.
Because this person now has no
reason not to come forward,
if, by some chance, I get to
the count of three, and nobody
comes forward, guess what. We
have to accept that no one has
the pen, don't we? Don't we?
Good so here we go.
Jeff begins to count.

JEFF
One. Two.
Pierce raises his hand, causing the rest of the group

to gasp and point at him.
JEFF
(To Pierce)
Pierce, you have something to
tell us?
PIERCE
Yes. Is it me, or has it
become really obvious that
Jeff took the pen.
Everyone agrees.
BRITTA
- Yes!
ABED
- Definitely.
JEFF
20
(Instantly becomes defensive and
aggressive)
You want to make a bet, you
jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal
the doors. Nobody leaves until
this pen shows up.
Jeff gets up from his seat and goes to shut all the
doors. Abed follows suit, closing the blinds
ABED
I don't like this.
JEFF
Yeah? Tell it to the pen you
might have.
JEFF
(now on phone)
Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me.
I can't make it. Well, tell
your disappointment to suck
it. I'm doing a bottle
episode!
Jeff throws his phone on the table.

FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE

21
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. STUDY ROOM- MOMENTS LATER
The study room is in relatively the same condition. The

table has been split, and one of them has been
converted into a TSA-esque inspection table. Troy walks
up to the table, and throws his backpack onto the
table. Jeff opens the bag, and finds that it only
contains a pillow to give the impression of being full
of books. Jeff is impressed, but Annie just rolls her
eyes.
JEFF
(to Troy)
Okay. You just became my hero.
TROY
Thank you.
Troy steps back from the table, and Jeff sets his bag
aside.
JEFF
(Coldly to Annie)
No pen.
ANNIE
(To Jeff)
I can see that. Why do you
keep taking that tone with me?
BRITTA
(To Annie)
Oh, I'll field that because if
nobody else has this pen,it
means at some point, you
realized you had it and were
too embarrassed to say, and we
get to kill you.
22
ANNIE
(To Britta)
I'm not hiding my own pen, you
paranoid weirdo.
ANNIE
(To everyone)
Everybody stay within each
other's eyelines, please. One
of you's a monster.
ABED
- Me next, right?
Abed stands up
BRITTA
- Hold on. Can we please
consider the threshold that we
are crossing? We don't trust
Abed?
ANNIE
(To Britta)
He shredded my backpack.
TROY
(To Britta)
He freed my pet monkey.
BRITTA
Because we corrupted him. He's
our innocent.
JEFF
(to Britta)
He put gum in your hair.
BRITTA
Empty the bag, Abed.
23
SHIRLEY
(To Pierce)
Uh, Pierce, - you don't have a
bag?
PIERCE
(Totally out of it)
- Giraffe.
SHIRLEY
(To Jeff)
Uh, Jeff, you don't have a
bag?
JEFF
Oh, I could never deprive the
world of the portion of my
chest the strap would cover.
ABED
(uninterested)
Makes sense. So what's left?
Shirley, a little hugging and
crying, and then we're done?
Meanwhile, Britta has been going through Abeds bag, and

opens up a notebook inside.
BRITTA
Wait, Abed, why is my name in
here?
Abed grabs at the notebook, but Britta swats his hand

away.
ABED
That's mine.
BRITTA
And Shirley's and Annie's?
Shirley and Annie come over to examine the book for
themselves.
24
ANNIE
What is it?
BRITTA
Charts. Some kind of calendar?
Abed grabs at the notebook, but Britta swats his hand

away.
ABED
That's my personal private
business.
BRITTA
Annie, 4 on, 28 off, next,
November 10th. Britta, 5 on,
27 off... Oh my God. Are you
charting our menstrual cycles?
Everyone reacts
ANNIE
(Horrified)
What?! Gross!
SHIRLEY
Abed, this is so personal! And
so accurate.
ANNIE
(Getting emotional)
Abed, this is really creepy.I
don't understand why you would
do this.
ABED
I can explain.
(beat)
Oh. I thought you'd keep
yelling over me. Okay, I can
explain. You know I have
trouble reading people, and
say the wrong things,
25
sometimes, and I noticed it
was happening more often with
you three than it was with the
others. And then I noticed
fluctuating patterns,and I
started graphing them, and by
the time I realized what I was
actually measuring, it had
started to yield really
positive results for
everybody, so I kept doing it.
ANNIE
(On the verge of tears)
Were you ever gonna tell us
about this? I... I feel so
violated.
Abed pulls out a pack of tissues he has in his pocket

and offers it to Annie, who accepts it gratefully.
ABED
(To Annie)
More chocolate?
ANNIE
(Realising)
Oh! Get away from me!
PIERCE
Abed just became my hero.
PIERCE
(To Women)
- Can I have a little…
GIRLS
(Offended)
- No!
26
PIERCE
(Quietly)
Sheesh. Guess it's true what
they say about the sync-up.
ABED
Okay, if I could just take
this time to share a few words
of sarcasm with whoever it is
that took this pen.
(Beat)
I want to say thank you for
doing this to me for a while I
thought I'd have to suffer
through a puppy parade, but I
much prefer being entombed
alive in a mausoleum of
feelings I can neither
understand nor reciprocate. So
whoever you are, can I get you
anything? Ice cream? Best
friend medal? Anything? Mm-
mmm? Okay, sarcasm over.
You're last up, Shirley. Dump
your comedically huge bag and
end this.
Shirley hesitates
SHIRLEY
Uh, no, thank you.
Annie and Britta turn to one another, they and Troy

start to circle Shirley
ANNIE
Well, well, well, Harvey
Keitel.
TROY
27
Well, what do you know, Henry
David Thoreau.
BRITTA
My oh my, Mike Ty-son... just
empty the bag.
SHIRLEY
No! I don't have Annie's pen.
I'm simply a Christian woman
that doesn't open her bag.
JEFF
(To Shirley)
What did the Christian woman
think would happen when we got
to her bag?
SHIRLEY
The Christian woman thought
you'd find it on the Muslim.
BRITTA
Real nice!
SHIRLEY
Nicer than you, condom
carrier!
BRITTA
- Dump the bag or you're
guilty!
SHIRLEY
- No!
PIERCE
(Crying out in pain)
Gah!!
Shirley runs to aid Pierce.

28
SHIRLEY
Oh, Lord, he's thrown a clot!
Pierce! Call 911!
Pierce snaps out of his yelling, taking Shirley by

surprise, managing to get her bag and throw it to Jeff.
SHIRLEY
No! No! No!
ANNIE
(To Pierce)
Pierce, you didn't need to do
that.
PIERCE
Yes, I did. All you guys do is

talk, leaving me to do the
things you won't do. People
like you are the reason we
took so long to get into
Vietnam.
Britta pulls a pregnancy test out of her bag
BRITTA
Is this what you were trying
to hide, Shirley? A pregnancy
test?
JEFF
And more importantly,are they
seriously marketing pregnancy
tests to black women?
Jeff examines the pregnancy test, which is titled “You

Know, Girl!”
29
ANNIE
Guys! This is a terribly
childish way to handle this
kind of situation.
Annie takes the pregnancy test over to Shirley.
ANNIE (CONT’D)
(Excitedly to Shirley)
Does this mean you have a new
boyfriend? Who, who, who?
Shirley snatches the test from Annie
SHIRLEY
Not that it's, uh, anyone's
business... I recently
reconnected with my husband
over Labor Day,and it seems
the Lord may have a plan for
us that doesn't include that
stripper slut he ran away
with.
ABED
You're not pregnant, Shirley.
It's impossible.
Abed goes to his notebook to confirm this statement.
SHIRLEY
(Frustrated)
Why does everybody think I'm
old? I'm around Jeff's age! I
have a uterus!
ABED
30
(Reading chart)
No, no. According to my
charts, you couldn't have
conceived Labor Day weekend
you would have been ovulating
on Halloween. Which is just as
well, because if you're gonna
have a pregnant woman in one
of these, I say go elevator
labor or go home.
CUT TO:
Troy’s face as he realises that the voicemail he
received from that night may be the possible father if
Shirley is pregnant.
SHIRLEY
Halloween? Well, that's that,
then.
BRITTA
(Sarcastically)
Yeah, what a relief. Looks
like someone narrowly avoided
a "lifestyle mistake" of their
own. Oh! Or is it only bad if
you sleep with unmarried men?
SHIRLEY
(To Britta)
The Bible doesn't recognize
divorce, Britta! When you
marry a man, he's your man!
BRITTA
Yeah, and after he marries
someone else, if you jump into
the sack with him, you're an
angel, so long as you don't
use protection?
31
SHIRLEY
(yelling)
I'm so glad you're enjoying
this. And I hope whoever stole
that pen enjoys it in hell!
Shirley goes to storm out but is stopped by Pierce
PIERCE
- Nice try, Stephen Fry.
BRITTA
(To herself)
- "Stephen Fry."
PIERCE
We all have an agreement.
Nobody leaves till we find it.
JEFF
- Oh - Get off. Here we go. We
are gonna find this pen! We
are gonna find that pen!
Jeff begins to frantically search the room, ripping up

the carpet, dumping drawers onto the ground, etc.
SHIRLEY
- Oh!
JEFF
- And if we can't find it, our
children will find it! Is it
over here in these books? This
pen? This incredible, magical
pen that nobody knows how it
could disappear? Oh, maybe
it's right in here!
Abed and Troy join in.

32
ANNIE
(Horrified)
Guys, this is school property!
Can we just forget it? It's a
pen!
Everyone stops dead in their tracks, and stares at

Annie. Jeff goes to face her off.
JEFF
(To Annie, Livid)
It's a pen now? Really? It's
not a principle anymore, now
it's a pen? Why the change of
heart?
ANNIE
You're not seriously accusing
me. We searched my bag!
Britta joins in, getting up in Annie's face,

antagonising her.
BRITTA
Which is exactly the last
place you'd put it if you
found it halfway through all
this. In fact, assuming that
one of us does have the pen,
who among us has the most
incentive to make sure it
never sees the light of day?
They begin to egg each other on.
ANNIE
- You want to go there?
BRITTA
- Yeah.
33
ANNIE
- I'll go there.
BRITTA
- Okay.
ANNIE
- I was born there.
BRITTA
- Really?
ANNIE
There's a placard there
commemorating me!
Annie starts to unbutton her cardigan, the others watch

this unfold.
TROY
What's going on, and how can I
help?
JEFF
Annie, relax.
ANNIE
No, you relax, Jeff. Or are
you scared that if you do, my
pen will fall out?
JEFF
You precocious little bitch!
Jeff takes his shirt off too. Pierce begins to unbutton

his shirt, but is incredibly out of place
ABED
(Halting them)
Okay, guys, guys! Hey! Guys,
stop! You're being completely
34
illogical! We need to flip up
the table, divide the group by
gender,and then search each
other in our underwear.
Everyone agrees.
SHIRLEY
What?
CUT TO:
INT. STUDY ROOM- MOMENTS LATER
The room is in disarray. Both of the tables are on

their sides, propped up by chairs forming privacy
curtains. Everyone is in their underwear, including
Pierce, who is still in his wheelchair off to the side.
JEFF
Now what?
ABED
Everybody shake. Enough to
dislodge.
Everyone shakes. Pierce spasms in his chair.
ABED
(Cont’d)
Okay, anything hit the floor?
GIRLS
No.
TROY
(To Jeff)
What are those underwear made
out of? They look luxurious.
JEFF
Oh. They're an organic soy-
cotton blend.
35
BRITTA
This Gwynnifer must be real
special. Don't you usually
wear the stripey turquoise
beetlejuice numbers?
ABED
(Confused)
What does she mean "usually"?
JEFF
All right, end of the road.
We've torn apart the room,
we've stripped.There is
absolutely no place left...
Everyone turns to look at Pierces casts.
PIERCE
(Realising)
No. No!
ABED
No.
Pierce attempts to run, but is stopped by Troy, Abed

and Jeff, who are still in their underwear.
PIERCE
Noooooo! No!
CUT TO:
Moments later. Troy, Abed, and Jeff, still in their
underwear, are cutting the casts off of a defeated
Pierce. The women, also still in their underwear, stand
and watch.
TORY
Damn it. Broke my scissors.
36
JEFF
(Handing Troy his scissors)
Here. Be careful.This is the
last pair we have. Also, don't
cut his legs.
ABED
(looking at Pierce, who snarls at him)
I'm worried we've gone too
far. This is how super
villains are created. Can't
you just make an inspiring
Winger speech about trust,
throw in a few digs at an easy
celebrity target,and put a
ribbon on this thing?
JEFF
(To Abed)
Abed, think about this for one
second if a single one of us
leaves this room before we
find that pen, how can any of
us trust anyone in this group
ever again?
Shirley begins dressing herself.
BRITTA
What's your hurry?
SHIRLEY
I'm clothing myself. I'm not
comfortable standing around in
my all-together like you two
anorexic jeze... Oh! I'm so
sorry. That was really mean. I
don't know where that came
from.
37
ANNIE
(Goes to comfort Shirley)
We've all been through a lot
today. And I'm sure this
pregnancy scare been weighing
on you all week, right? And
maybe that's why you took my
pen?
SHIRLEY
(Shocked)
What?! Where are you hiding
it, judgy beans?
TROY
All right, here we go.
They pull off the casts. The insides of them are

filthy, and filled with various items Pierce has used
to itch his legs. Everyone is disgusted, and cries out.
TROY
It smells like a Waffle House
sink!
JEFF
Pierce, are you using Slim
Jims to scratch your legs?
PIERCE
(Ashamed)
Have we not gotten to a place
free of judgment yet?
Troy begins digging though the junk in the casts.
TROY
This isn't it, this isn't it.
Where is it? Where's the pen?
Where's the pen?! Where's the
pen? Great.
38
DEAN [OVER PA]

It's getting a little chilly
outside, so the animal
wranglers have asked that
every student pick up a puppy
and hold it, so they stay warm
while the volunteers hand out
tiny, puppy-sized hats.
Honestly, I don't know why I'm
even making these
announcements. There can't be
anyone who isn't already on
the quad!
Everyone slumps down in defeat, sitting on the ground

of the now destroyed study room.
FADE OUT:
END OF ACT ONE
39
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. STUDY ROOM- MINUTES LATER
Everyone, now clothed, is sitting against the tables.

The area around them destroyed. The tension is still
high, but they are sitting in silence.
BRITTA
Annie, I'd just like to say,
on behalf of whoever actually
stole this pen, I real am
sorry about all this.
PIERCE
(To Britta)
I knew it was you.
TROY
(To Pierce)
I knew it was you.
ANNIE
All I know is it could be any
of you.
JEFF
(To Annie)
And for all we know, it's you.
ANNIE
I wish it were. I really do. I
wish I could just find it
behind my ear. I'd rather be
that stupid than think that
anyone of us might be this
inconsiderate.
SHIRLEY
40
After all we've been through,
it almost seems impossible.
JEFF
(Realising)
It seems less than impossible.
Something impossible actually
seems more likely.
ABED
Here we go. Winger speech to
take us home.
JEFF
What if a ghost took the pen?
ABED
- Let him finish.
JEFF
- I am finished. For real,
honestly, seriously, why not?
Why not just "a ghost took the
pen"?
TROY
Okay, I've been saying that
for hours.
JEFF
And we should've listening to
Troy from the beginning. Guys,
look in your hearts and answer
this question honestly: What's
more likely? That someone in
this group doesn't belong in
this group? Or ghosts? If we
have to choose between turning
on each other or pinning it on
some specter with unfinished,
pen-related business, I'm
41
sorry, but my money's on
ghost.
BRITTA
Well, I'm not a religious
person, but I've seen specials
on the paranormal. Anything's
possible.
ANNIE
Relative to the alternative,
it actually seems more logical
to me.
PIERCE
Why would a ghost want a pen?
Everyone contemplates.
JEFF
Troy?
TORY
Okay. So I see it as a lot
like the movie paranormal
activity, except for more
boring and fancy. And I think
in 1856, it is possible that a
man was beheaded while he was
writing in his diary to his
long lost love, and now he
roams the halls of Greendale
screaming for his pen so he
can write her a love letter."I
need her! I need her!" he
screams,as he looked for a
pen.
Everyone listens to Troy’s story. Jeff

and Annie share a heartfelt smile.
FADE OUT
42
FADE IN
The study group goes to leave the room, all satisfied.

The Dean walks by, and sees the chaos they have left.
DEAN
(Startled)
What the hell did you people
do in there?
ABED
Something you and your puppies
could only dream of you non-
miraculous son of a bitch.
The group exits the library.
DEAN
(confused)
Non-miraculous? Wait! Abed!
PAN TO: The vent in the study room. It creaks open, out
of it emerges Troy’s Monkey, ANNIES BOOBS. He walks
across the room, picking up a spoon that is on the
ground, before going back into the vent, closing it
behind himself. We follow Annies Boobs through the
vents, until he reaches a pile of various items from
the study room. He places the spoon on the pile, and we
pan over various items, including Troy’s student ID,
Annies Pen, A coffee mug from Troy and Abed in the
Morning, etc.
END OF ACT TWO

43
ACT THREE
DEAN [V.O.]
Now, who could resist fall-ing
in love with our next float?
A float decorated with leaves and a cornucopia goes by,

with a puppy inside.
This autumn colors puppy

reminds us that while the
leaves might be
changing,responsible pet
ownership is always in season.
A float decorated with bubbles, champagne and a top hat

goes by. A puppy is inside
Oh, here's a crowd favorite,

the Top and Tails float. A
champagne bath and a red
sports car? Let's hope he's
single.
A float with a sign saying ‘equality and togetherness’

goes by, with both a kitten and a puppy inside.
Ok... Oh, okay. Well... This

one feels a little preachy.
Oh. Boo! Boo!
END OF SHOW.

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“Cooperative Calligraphy”

Jeff.................................. Joel McHale

The Study group is around the table working on their

Annie pulls out her cell phone.

Britta holds up a paper-mache sculpture of a humanoid-

dragon monster with three

Britta sets down the sculpture, and Jeff stands up to

DEAN PELTON is standing in the study room’s doorway,

Except you, Jeffrey. I know

The group all begin to gather their belongings, so they

Troy and Abed do their signature handshake.

Abed offers Annie a piece of chocolate that she

Pierce Puts his mouth over a tube connected to his

TRUCK BACKING UP NOISE

Pierce Begins to wipe the tube off with a cloth.

Pierce accidentally blows on the tube, causing the

The study group, except for Annie begin to walk towards

The group stops.

Everyone but Annie glances at one another.

The Group turns and begins to leave again.

issue,so from now on, we need

The group nods at one another.

The Group, minus Annie, turns to leave, when suddenly

Everyone is back in the study room, searching around

Annie gasps, grabbing her phone from the table. She

Annie sits down, and crosses her arms.

Suddenly, Troy turns around and reaches for his

Britta, having had enough of this, begins to gather her

Britta stops in her tracks.

Britta holds out the pen she was carrying to Annie.

Everyone murmurs their approvals.

Everyone cheers Britta on, leading to her slamming down

Jeff digs out a roll of condoms from the pile, and

DEAN [OVER PA]

The Group (Minus Annie and Britta) begin yet again to

Pierce pulls out a bottle of painkillers and begins to

Shirley goes to sit down

Jeff stands up to give a classic Winger monologue.

Jeff begins to count.

Pierce raises his hand, causing the rest of the group

Jeff throws his phone on the table.

END OF ACT ONE

The study room is in relatively the same condition. The

Meanwhile, Britta has been going through Abeds bag, and

Abed grabs at the notebook, but Britta swats his hand

Abed grabs at the notebook, but Britta swats his hand

Abed pulls out a pack of tissues he has in his pocket

Annie and Britta turn to one another, they and Troy

Shirley runs to aid Pierce.

Pierce snaps out of his yelling, taking Shirley by

Yes, I did. All you guys do is

Britta pulls a pregnancy test out of her bag

Jeff examines the pregnancy test, which is titled “You

Annie takes the pregnancy test over to Shirley.

Shirley snatches the test from Annie

Abed goes to his notebook to confirm this statement.

Shirley goes to storm out but is stopped by Pierce

Jeff begins to frantically search the room, ripping up

Abed and Troy join in.

Everyone stops dead in their tracks, and stares at