Influencing Skills 
 

 
Azmy Saly 
 

 
 Influencing Skills
The Ability to Affect Others in Subtle Ways
1
“Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends with them?” (Abraham
Lincoln)

It is now widely
Q: What is “influence”?
recognized that, in A: "Influence is the ability to
most situations, affect others' thoughts, feelings
authoritarian ways of and actions - seen only in its
managing people do effects - without exertion of force
not work. Instead of or formal authority." (Elaina
getting people to do Zucker)
what we want, the
Aristotle’s 3 Appeals
authoritarian
approaches of "I 1. Ethos
know best" and "I'm
in charge" end up
There are 7 different factors involved in
causing antagonism, influencing others.
anger and a job not 1. where you start from in relation to the
done. In place of other person
dictating skills, 2. their intelligence level 2. Logos 3. Pathos
people who want to 3. whether the changes you propose meet
the other person's needs Aristotle identified 3 appeals
work with others use
4. your credibility which were used by speakers
influencing skills. of his time.
5. your arguments
These skills use non- Ethos appeals are based on
6. whether you create the right conditions
forceful techniques ethics and reputation. This
to encourage others to be influenced
to work with people 7. how authoritative you are. could include endorsements
rather than against from key people, building
them. As a result, You can influence people to accept a credibility, or citing expert
relationships change if you make it... testimony.
• triable: eg “we'll run a pilot first” Logos appeals are based on
improve, people feel
• reversible: they can go back to the old logic, and include statistics,
valued and the job
ways if they don't like it. facts and evidence.
gets done.
• divisible: if they don't like one aspect, we Pathos appeals are based on
can ditch that and keep the rest. emotion. This could range
• familiar: explain the change in terms they from fear of something you
understand don’t want to happen to hope
• sexy: attractive, exciting, and high-profile. for something you do want to
happen.
"To please people is a great step towards persuading them." (Philip Dormer Stanhope, 1694 - 1774)
 Transactional Analysis
A Tool for Master Communicators
2
We all have 3 ego states within us. Our Parent state is the "taught" reactions
that we have learnt from others. Our Adult state is the "thought" state
responding to the here and now. Our Child state is the "felt" state that
Transactional responds to how we feel.
Analysis (or TA) is a
model of 1. The Nurturing Parent (NP) is caring and concerned. This
communication. It
part of us seeks to keep the Child in us or others safe and
offers unconditional love.
was developed
during the 1960s by 2. The Controlling (or Critical) Parent
Dr. Eric Berne. It is (CP) tries to make the Child do as the
based on the parent wants them to do, perhaps
premise that we have transferring values or beliefs or
three parts or "ego-
helping the Child to understand and P
live in society.
states" to our
personality and that 3. The Adult (A) in us is the “grown
these converse with up” rational person who talks
one another in reasonably and assertively, neither
"transactions". By trying to control nor react. The Adult A
being aware of these is comfortable with themselves and
states and how they
is, for many of us, our “ideal self”.
can successfully
4. The Natural Child (NC) is largely
interact, we can
avoid conflicting
un-self-aware and is characterized by
the non-speech noises they make
C
responses and (yahoo, etc.). They like playing and
replace them with are open and vulnerable.
co-operative ones.
5. The Little Professor (LP) is the 6. The Adaptive Child (AC) reacts
curious and exploring Child who is to the world around them, either
always trying out new stuff. changing themselves to fit in or
Together with the Natural Child they rebelling against the forces they
make up the Free Child. feel.

When a transaction succeeds it is because we respond to others from

the state expected, eg from the same level or from CP to AC. When it
fails, it is because we don't. To get back in sync, go to the state that the
other person is in or transact from the Adult state.

"Transactional analysis is a tool which managers can learn to use to increase their motivation, to stop "game" playing
and to put their own organizational lives into perspective." (Washington University)
 Empathy
A Cornerstone of Emotional Intelligence
3
"Empathy is like giving someone a psychological hug" (Lawrence J.
Bookbinder)

Empathy is one of What is Empathy?

the most important
Empathy is similar to, but distinctly different
from, sympathy, as their etymologies show:
skills to learn in
• pathos = Greek for "feeling"
today's business
• empathos = "pathos" meaning "feeling"
world. Although it and "em" meaning "in" ie "feeling in..."
has its origins in the • sympathos = "pathos" meaning "feeling"
caring professions as and "sym" meaning "with" ie "feeling
a "soft" skill, with..."
empathy is now Definition
accepted as a vital Psychoanalyst Carl Rogers has described
people management
empathy as:
• "...entering the private perceptual world
tool, whether this is
of the other and becoming thoroughly at
managing staff
home in it."
needs, customer
issues, or people's
To be sensitive to
personal problems. how others feel, you
When you use must first know andA man fell into a large hole.
empathy with skill, recognise the same An uncaring person walked
you show others not past, looked down and told
feelings in yourself.
just that you are the man how silly he was to
interested in them, In counselling, the empathic response is a find himself in the hole.
but that you respect way of reflecting back what you understand A sympathetic person walked
the other person to be feeling. Notice the past, and feeling sorry, jumped
and value them as
different ways we often respond to a small in the hole with him.
well. Far from being
child who has fallen and grazed her knee and An empathetic person walked
a "soft" skill, past, saw both the hole-
is crying.
empathy is a 1. "It doesn't look that bad." dwellers and, having
powerful skill and 2. "Stop crying! You're putting most of this ascertained that neither
rightly one of the on." wanted to be in the hole,
cornerstones of 3. "I bet that feels sore, doesn't it?" fetched a ladder and helped
Emotional Only 3 is the truly empathic response. It is them out.
Intelligence. the one response that is likely to stop the
child crying.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them
feel." (Bonnie Jean Wasmund)
 Emotional Intelligence
The Missing Ingredient to Success in Life
4
"As much as 80% of adult 'success' comes from EQ." (Daniel Goleman)

Defining EQ: Emotional intelligence is the ability to

For decades, a lot of
recognize your emotions, understand what they're
emphasis has been telling you, and realize how your emotions affect
put on IQ skills such people around you.
as logic, analysis, and
reasoning. But Daniel Goleman, the originator of the current
researchers were approaches to Emotional Intelligence,
puzzled that while IQ identified 5 EQ domains:
1. Self-Awareness. People with high EQ are One large cosmetics
could predict some
very self-aware. They understand their company revised their
degree of personal
emotions, and because of this, they don't let hiring process for
and professional salespeople to choose
their feelings rule them.
success, there was candidates based on
2. Self-Regulation. People with high EQ self-
something missing. emotional intelligence. The
regulate ie they don't allow themselves to
Some of those with become too angry or jealous, and they don't result? Salespeople hired
high IQ scores make impulsive, careless decisions. with the new system have
performed poorly in 3. Motivation. People with a high degree of sold, on average, $91,000
life and business. The EQ are motivated by themselves from within more than salespeople
not by others from without. selected under the old
missing factor is now
4. Empathy. People with a high EQ are good system. There has also been
known to be
at sensing the feelings of others, even when significantly lower staff
Emotional turnover among the group.
those feelings may not be obvious.
Intelligence, or EQ, a
5. Social Skills: People with a high EQ are easy
factor that may be
to talk to and like. They can manage disputes,
more predictive of are excellent communicators, and are
success than IQ itself. masters at building and maintaining
relationships.

Features of people with high EQ:

 less insecurity and stress
 more openness is tolerated
 willing to expose their feelings and
vulnerabilities
 help others shine
 know their strengths and
weaknesses
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
(Antoine de Saint-Exupery)
 Games People Play
A Substitute for Meaningful Connection
5
"Games are a compromise between intimacy and keeping intimacy away."
(Eric Berne)

In psychological Poor Me The employee depicts him

terms, "games" are or herself to the boss as helpless.
patterns of As a result, the boss avoids
interacting with
criticising their inadequate work.
others that are about
Hero The boss sets up situations in
confirming our view
which the employee is bound to
of others rather than fail. He or she then steps in to save
learning about them. the day and become the hero.
They are carried out
unconsciously, Kick Me, Go On! In this game, you
although we make
Harassed Julie plays this game by are feeling down and someone else
rushing around finding work where adds to your troubles, proving that
sure they follow a
none exists as a way of blaming everyone is against you.
predictable route.
others for the amount of work she
They are played to has to do. Blemish The boss discovers one
prove our view of
blemish in an otherwise
ourselves or others. Lunch Bag Ian plays this game to satisfactory piece of work. This is
("There you are, I make others feel guilty. While magnified so that the whole
told you he would others go off for lunch, Ian opts performance looks bad.
behave like that!"). out. When they come back, he
Eric Berne, originator
proves they were thoughtless Cops and Robbers The employee
leaving him to man the office alone. walks a fine line between
of transactional
analysis, has
acceptable and unacceptable
Yes, But… In this game, the loser behavior and uses it to show how
catalogued over 90 seeks suggestions for resolving ineffective the boss is.
different workplace workplace problems but rejects
games. Here are 9. each one with “yes, but…”. He or
she then complains that the rest of
the team are unhelpful.

I’m Only Trying to Help In this

game, you offer help where none is
wanted. When you are rejected,
this is proof of how ungrateful
others are.

“We play games to give ourselves strokes, albeit negative ones, and because we enjoy re-counting them to others and
ourselves. They are also ways of hiding behind the pain of failed human contact.” (Eric Berne)
 Body Language
A Universal and Undisguisable Way to Communicate
6
"There are 4 ways, and only 4 ways, in which we have contact with the world.
We are evaluated and classified by these 4 contacts: what we do, how we
look, what we say, and how we say it." (Dale Carnegie)
Non-verbal
Understanding someone comes from:
communication, or Some Interpretations of Body
body language, is What they say = 7% Language:
the one form of Movement: if you want to
How they say it = 38% dominate, move slowly. Beaten
communication
boxers always return defiantly
which we are all Body language = 55%
and slowly to their dressing
capable of using and
understanding. It
Non-verbal communication is a relationship room.
language. It does more than just express Position: people lying down
pre-dates verbal and remember more because they
communication; it clarifies, amplifies and
written forms of are not getting ready for action
reveals meaning. It allows us to send
language and is an information which we wouldn't or can't say Gestures: people of high social
essential ingredient such as "I love you" or "I don't want to rank, such as royalty, have few
in fully speak" and also leaks information that we gestures
understanding don't intend to say. Eyes: people avoid eye contact
when very close together
others. In the
(which is why the Catholic
workplace, a
confessional is arranged to
knowledge of body How you sit avoid eye contact)
language is in an Touch: people rate a service
invaluable in areas interview can higher when they are discreetly
such as selling and determine touched
high-powered others' Smile: there are 19 kinds of
Alan Hirsh has impressions smile, only one of which is
negotiation.
suggested that when of you. totally sincere
someone lies, blood Handshake: the best
inflames the erectile introduction handshake lasts 5
tissues of the face. This to 6 seconds
causes a desire to Fingers: a finger on the lips
scratch the nose, an suggests concealment
effect of lying also
Hands: open hands suggest
known as "the trust and interest
Pinocchio effect".
Legs: newcomers to a group
often stand with crossed legs.

"Most people are body language under-educated. There are no skills taught in elementary, junior high or high school
anywhere. Most people have no idea why they "just get a feeling about someone." You probably have no idea what
cues and signals you are sending." (Kevin Hogan)
 Building Rapport
Getting In Tune with Others
7
"Most of life's successful relationships are based on finding rapport with
others."

Of all the techniques Rapport

available to those The sight of two people who get
who work with on well is like looking at mirror
others, particularly images of one person. They sit in
customers, building the same way, walk in the same
rapport is one of the
way, speak in the same way and
use the same words and phrases.
most powerful.
When people hit it off, they find
When you build
themselves on the same
rapport, you can wavelength, see things from the
transform impossible same point of view, feel in tune.
situations into ones They have rapport.
with potential; you
can turn Resonance Matching
uninterested
The state of being A class of schoolchildren decided one
in rapport is morning to play a prank on their teacher
browsers into keen
similar to what who was late in arriving. At a pre-
prospects; you can
happens in arranged moment when she reached her
get to the bottom of musical desk, all the children dropped their
customer needs, resonance. If you books on the floor.
problems and strike a note on a Noticing at once what was going on, the
preferences; and you tuning fork and teacher put down her chalk, picked up
To create hold it near to her book and accidentally dropped it
can acquire the
harmony, another tuning too.
ability to connect
mirror what fork, the second "Sorry I'm late," she said, picking up the
with others instead others do in one will vibrate book. "Let's start at page 23," and she
of being like ships a subtle even though they continued as if nothing had happened.
that pass in the way. do not touch. From that moment on, she had the
night.
children eating out of her hand.
Pacing
When we are in harmony with others, our body language instinctively
matches theirs. We laugh together, frown together, walk at the same
pace, even breathe at the same rate. Notice how a policewoman crouches
down to put herself at the same level as a little child who is lost. Such
instinctive or learned actions are known as "pacing".

“To get others to like you, you must unconditionally like them, and be like them too.”
 Head, Heart, Hand
8 A Healthy Balance of Inputs
“Fine art is that in which the hand, the head, and the heart of man go
together.” (John Ruskin 1819 - 1900)

The team leader's The features of technology:

concern for Focus: expertise, equipment, products
balancing task, team Predictability: high (based on science)
and individuals may Controlled by: physical laws, what we can do
be likened to the Tracked by: measurable output
human functions of
Financed by: scientific breakthrough
Key elements: manufacturing, delivery, services
hand, heart and
Key words: research, facts, precision
head. The hand
Ultimate purpose: work, activity, busy-ness.
represents the
mechanical or
technological way a
task should be The features of management:
performed. The heart Focus: administrative systems
represents the Predictability: medium (based on
inspiration that can probabilities)
unite a team and Controlled by: legal and accounting
achieve more than
principles, what we must do
The features of leadership: Tracked by: measurable processes
you can measure.
Focus: people Financed by: cost control
The head represents
Predictability: low (an art form) Key elements: budgets, rules, plans,
the sensible and
Controlled by: emotional controls
logical way Key words: efficiency, objectives,
commitment, what we want to do
individuals should be Tracked by: perception and attitude, structure
managed. When motivation and commitment, the Ultimate purpose: maintaining the
hand, heart and head sacrifices people are willing to make enterprise.
are all equally Financed by: added value
involved in a piece of Key elements: vision; values;
work, not only is environment; team behaviour
there a whole, but
Key words: teamwork; pride;
feelings; motivation
also a healthy
Ultimate purpose: serving people:
balance.
whether the customer, the
employee, the employer or the
community.
"A man who works with his hands is a labourer; a man who works with his hands and his brain is a craftsman; but a
man who works with his hands and his brain and his heart is an artist." (Louis Nizer, 1902-94)
 Responding to Conflict
9 The 4 Tactical and Strategic A’s
!
"In a conflict, being willing to change allows you to move from a point of view
to a viewing point: a higher, more expansive place, from which you can see
both sides." (Thomas Crum)
Conflict is an ever-
present in
1. Avoidance 2. Aggression
organisations Avoidance is the flight response to Aggression can take one of two
because it is an ever- conflict. Tactically, it can be used forms: direct aggression which is
present when people when feelings are running high. loud and intimidating; and indirect
work together. This Strategically, it means avoiding the aggression which can be just as
can be conflict about issues and backing away from abusive with silences, sarcasm, and
how to do things, solutions. put-downs.
conflict about what Avoiders are Aggressive people
decisions to take,
like snails who are like tigers. They
retreat into believe there is only
conflict about the
their shells at winning and losing
use of resources,
the slightest and they must win. If
conflict on a hint of trouble. they lose, they feel
personal level. There weak and worthless.
are always 2 levels on
which you can
respond to conflict:
the tactical and the 3. Accommodation 4. Assertiveness
strategic. The tactical Accommodation in Assertive people
can be any response the face of conflict believe that by
that is right for the usually means making their own
current situation. The
fudging issues, rather position clear while
than meeting them acknowledging the
strategic is always
head-on, and seeking other side's position,
the Assertive one.
compromises rather some kind of win-win
than going all out for outcome is always
a solution. possible.
Accommodators are like foxes Assertive people are like owls.
looking for a middle ground in They see the whole situation
which they can gain something from both points of view. They
even if the opposition will soon be aim for a resolution to conflict
back for more. based on wisdom, not force.

"You should respect each other and refrain from disputes. You should not, like water and oil, repel each other, but
should, like milk and water, mingle together." (The Buddha 568 - 488 BC)
 Managing Emotions
10 Letting Go of Fear; Letting in Love
"To be "on edge," you are literally not centered - not being in your spiritual
centre." (Carrie Latet)

We often hurt Anxiety is a negative fear that something

ourselves far more threatening might befall us. It causes huge
emotionally than we stress and often for no real reason. The key
do physically or to managing anxiety is Acceptance. With
mentally. Bodies can
acceptance comes resignation and a loss of
worry.
heal; thoughts can
change; but
Anger is one of the emotions that can literally
emotions rooted in
kill us. It comes in shades of irritation,
the damaged past or annoyance, to outright violence and underlies
the feared future can 10% of all conversations at work. The key to
harm us for a long In his book, "Love is managing anger is Ownership.
time. Some of the letting go of fear",
deadliest emotions Jerry Jampolsky Resentment of others is a stressful emotion
are anxiety, anger, suggests the following because it locks us into the past and
technique for letting go condemns us to re-live a time of pain and
resentment,
of guilt: suffering. The key to managing resentment is
inadequacy, guilt
"Imagine putting your Forgiveness.
and shame, all of
guilt in a bin and
which have their attaching it to a Inadequacy is the feeling that somehow we
roots in fear, the balloon filled with are just not good enough. It is the result of
worst emotion of all. helium. Print on the comparing ourselves with others. The key to
To manage these balloon "I forgive my managing inadequacy is a strong self-image
unhealthy and misperceptions", then based on a proper sense of your value.
unhelpful emotions, let it go into the sky. As
you watch it go, feel Guilt and Shame are feelings which come
we need to employ
free." from the past. They arise when we are judged
the power of reason
or judge ourselves, against the expectations
and a range of of others, and find that we have failed in
emotion-healing some way.
techniques.
There are two keys to
managing guilt and
shame; one is Confession
and the other is Letting
Go.
"The secret of health for both body and mind is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, not to
anticipate troubles, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly." (The Buddha)