CONSULTANTS

Dog-gone amazing
A man was out driving, when he came across a flock of sheep. He got out of his car, and
walked over to the shepherd tending the sheep. He asked,
 
"Are you a betting man?"
 
"Why do you ask?", said the shepherd.
 
"I'll bet you $20, to one of your sheep, that I can guess the size of your flock.", he said.
 
"You're on", said the shepherd, "How many sheep have I got?"
 
"367", came the answer.
 
"That's amazing," exclaimed the shepherd, "You're absolutely right! go and pick yourself a
sheep."
 
Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him.
 
"How about another bet- double or nothing.", he challenged.
 
"What's the bet?", said the man.
 
"I'll bet you that I can tell your occupation, and who you work for."
 
"That's a bet." said the man. "What do I do?"
 
"You're a marketing consultant, and you work for the government.", said the shepherd.
 
"That's amazing," said the man. "How did you figure that out?"
 
The shepherd smiled. "Put down my dog, and I'll tell you."
 
Third Way
 
The Optimist says, "The glass is half full."
 
The Pessimist says, "The glass is half empty."
 
The Marketing Consultant says, "Your glass needs re-sizing."
The Race

The Marketing Departments of two rival American and Japanese companies decided to hold
a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels until
both teams felt they were ready to demonstrate their prowess.

The big day arrived, and the Japanese won the race by a mile. The American team was
discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for
the crushing defeat had to be found, so they hired a consultant to investigate the problem
and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person
steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering. After a year
of additional study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded
that too many people were steering and not enough people were rowing on the American
team.

So as race day neared again the following year, the American team's management structure
was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering
managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide
work incentive.

Again the big day dawned, the race began, and the Japanese team won by TWO miles.
Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the
managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

MARKETING

Marketing Explained

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say,
"Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?"
That's Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a
buck. She goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?"
That's Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile
number. You call and chat her up a while and then say "Hi, I am great in bed, how about
it?"
That's Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up
to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, "Hi, I am
great in bed, how about it?"
That's Customer Relationship Management.
You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you
talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an
aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, "Hi, I
am great in bed, how about it?"
That's Hard Selling.

You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says,
"Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"
Now THAT is the power of Branding. 

If At First You Don't Succeed...

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and
support staff of one company.

The day for the game came, and hard as the Marketers tried,  the support staff whipped the
Marketing Department soundly. 

In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best 'spin' they could
on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the
bulletin board after the game:

"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball
Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. 

The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game
all year."

Informed Choice

When a young marketer met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about
where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and
then make his decision afterwards.

"I'll see Heaven first," said the salesman, and an angel led him through the gates on a
private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing
harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a
decision that could very well condemn him to so sedate an eternity.

"Can I see Hell now?" he asked. The angel pointed him to the elevator, and he went down
to the Basement where he was greeted by one of Satan's loyal followers. For the next half
hour, the salesman was led through a tour of what appeared to be the best night clubs he'd
ever seen. People were partying loudly, and having a, if you'll pardon the expression, Hell of
a time.

When the tour ended, he was sent back up where the angel asked him if he had reached a
final decision.
"Yes, I have," he replied. "As great as Heaven looks and all, I have to admit that Hell was
more of my kind of place. I've decided to spend my eternity down there."

The salesman was sent to hell, where he was immediately thrown into a cave and was
chained to a wall, and he was subjected to various tortures. "When I came down here for
the tour," he yelled with anger and pain, "I was shown a whole bunch of bars and parties
and other great stuff! What happened?!"

The devil replied, "Oh, that! That was just the Marketing Presentation"

The Pope and KFC

A Marketing Consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered
him a million dollars if he would change 'The Lord's Prayer' from "give us this day our daily
bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused the offer.

Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give
us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope
refused the generous offer.

Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope 20 million dollars, and finally the Pope
accepted.

The following day, the Pope briefed his staff. 

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received
a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''

Marketing Two-Upmanship

A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-
door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming "Best Deals".

Not long after he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next-door, on the
other side if his store. It's large sign was even more disturbing- "Lowest Prices".

After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a
way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next
day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door. It read,

"Main Entrance"!

Getting To The Bottom of AOL's Marketing 

A COMPUTER magazine that Patrick Flynn bought recently came with a free CD. Inside the
envelope containing the CD was a card from AOL which gave him a registration number and
password and invited him to use them in a free trial. The password was "GECKO-CLOACA".
He was rather surprised to be invited to use the words for a lizard's anus as his Internet
password.

-Source: New Scientist

BMW Gets Blue Windscreen of Death

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — Microsoft announced this week that a version of its

Windows operating system will be installed  in BMW's new 7 Series cars, a move analysts
say will dramatically increase the vehicle's ability to suddenly crash for no reason. 

According to BMW spokesman Gehard Voorst, the cars, which will now take at least five
minutes to warm up, will enable owners to  confidently cruise and compute at high speeds
for several hours before the machine abruptly seizes and catapults the driver through the 7
Series' new "blue windscreen of death." 
-Source: SatireWire.com

You'll Have To Go

Productivity and Unemployment Both Going Up, So... 

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — With the latest reports showing U.S. business
productivity growing at its strongest pace in 19 years, while the number of Americans filing
for unemployment has also surged to its highest level in 19 years, economists today
concluded that everyone should be fired. 

"The numbers clearly show businesses have been getting more and more out of fewer and
fewer employees," said Harvard economist Neil Fischer. "So it doesn't take a genius to
determine that employees are a drag on productivity, and that were the economy to reach
total unemployment, it would therefore reach total productivity." 

Critics immediately assailed the theory, pointing out that a similar tactic by AT&T failed
when the company cut 120 percent of its workforce to save more money than it earns, and
subsequently ceased to exist. However, Stanford economist Rachel Horwith said the
productivity postulate was different, and has already been proven in the market. 

"Just look at Enron," she said. "Some of their best-producing units, at least on paper, had
no one in them working in them at all." 

Virginia-based efficiency consultant Harvey Watts, however, accused economists of twisting

the facts. 

"It's absurd to say that no employees would create more, because there would be no one
left to create anything," said Watts. "No, the truth is, we want to decrease productivity. The
more people we have producing less, the more people we'll need to produce what we need.
So as soon as production stops, boom, you have full employment." 

Watts conceded he frequently consults for the French government. 

Meanwhile, Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan argued both interpretations
could lead to disaster. "If people don't have jobs, they can't buy what's produced, and vice
versa," he said. "So the bottom line is, if no one really wants what you're producing, then
there's no point in making it." 

In response, ABC cancelled its entire fall lineup. 

- Copyright © 2002, SatireWire

McDonnell Douglas Marketing Dept. Warranty Card

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your
new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.

[_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt.
[_] [_]
[_] Gen. [_] Other  
Comrade Classified

2. First Name: .....................................................

Initial: ........
Last Name: ......................................................
Password: ............................... (max 8 char)
Code Name: ......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ........... ........... ..........
3.  
4. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-117A Stealth

[_] F-15 Eagle [_] Classified
[_] F-16 Falcon

5.  
6. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): 19....... / ....... /......

7. Serial Number:................................................

8. Please check where this product was purchased:

[_] Received as gift / aid [_] Discount store

package [_] Government surplus
 [_] Catalog showroom [_] Classified
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order

9.  
10. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just
purchased:

[_] Heard loud noise, [_] Recommended by

looked up friend / relative / ally
[_] Store display [_] Political lobbying by
[_] Espionage manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

11.  
12. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this
McDonnell Douglas product:

[_] Style / appearance [_] Recommended by

[_] Speed / salesperson
maneuverability [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Price / value [_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Comfort / [_] Backroom politics
convenience [_] Negative experience opposing
[_] Kickback / bribe one in combat

13.  
14. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

[_] North America [_] Iraq

[_] Iraq [_] Africa
[_] Central / South America [_] Iraq
[_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East
[_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq
[_] Iraq [_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Europe [_] Iraq
[_] Iraq [_] Classified
[_] Middle East (not Iraq) [_] Iraq

15.  
16. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near
future:

[_] Color TV [_] Air-to-Air Missiles

[_] VCR [_] Space Shuttle
[_] ICBM [_] Home Computer
[_] Killer Satellite [_] Nuclear Weapon
[_] CD Player

17.  
 18. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Check all that apply:)

[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Democratic

[_] Terrorist [_] Dictatorship
[_] Crazed [_] Corrupt
[_] Neutral [_] Primitive / Tribal

19.  
20. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

[_] Deficit spending [_] Personal check

[_] Cash [_] Credit card
[_] Suitcases of cocaine [_] Ransom money
[_] Oil revenues [_] Traveler's check

21.  
22. Your occupation:

[_] Homemaker [_] Middle management

[_] Sales / marketing [_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Revolutionary [_] Defense Minister /
[_] Clerical General
[_] Mercenary [_] Retired
[_] Tyrant [_] Student

23.  
24. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and
activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

[_] Golf [_] Collectibles / collections

[_] Boating / sailing [_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Sabotage [_] Wines
[_] Running / jogging [_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Propaganda / [_] Household pets
disinformation [_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Destabilization / [_] Espionage /
overthrow reconnaissance
[_] Default on loans [_] Fashion clothing
[_] Gardening [_] Border disputes
[_] Crafts [_] Mutually Assured
[_] Black market / Destruction
smuggling

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used by our
Marketing Dept. in studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -
as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A
in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS
CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

Ship It

A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager are driving to a

meeting when a tire blows on the car. They get out of the car and look at the problem.

The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this - it's a hardware problem."

The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned the car off and on again, it would fix
itself."

The marketing manager says, "Hey, 75% of it is working - let's ship it!

Marketing Dictionary

Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.

All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
New: Different color from previous design.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitors.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Location, Location...A Real Estate Marketing Lexicon

A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best
operated in rubber gloves and wellies. 
Architect-designed: Impractical design. 
By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
Compact: Too small for two people.
Country Gentleman's Residence: No longer suitable for rural poor.
Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.
Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
Fenced At Rear: Adjoins State Penitentiary.
For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.
Handyman's Delight: Handyman's horror.
Local Authority Grants Available: About to be condemned.
Much sought after: It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
Owner eager To Sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.
Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
Period Residence: Over 5 years old.
Quiet, secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town. 
Rare opportunity to buy: No one else want's it.
Rustic: Dilapidated.
Sold: Unless you make a higher offer.
Unspoilt: Planning permission granted for field next door. 
Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.
Unusual Features: No roof.
Waterfront: At low tide. Inundated at high tide.
Water Views: Next door to the sewerage farm.
Well situated: In full view of the neighbors. 
Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub.

International Marketing - Actual Accounts

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that

hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural
differences. For example...

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke
company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase
means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent,
"ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came
out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat
your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the
Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to
be free and empty."

Ford had a similar problem to the classic 'Chevy Nova' launch in Brazil when the Pinto
flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford
pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't
leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's mistakenly thought the
Spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your
pocket and make you pregnant."

Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got
terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds
appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to
make a chicken aroused."

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding
out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem
did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet
Water.

Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking

markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the
owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally...

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating

England, a campaign was devised to extol the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities.
Hence, the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Marketing Training

Three marketers and three accountants are travelling by train to a conference. At the
station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three marketers buy only a
single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a marketer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three marketers
cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed,
the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the
accountants decide to copy the marketers on the return trip and save some money (being
clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for
the return trip. To their astonishment, the marketers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and
you'll see," answers a marketer.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three
marketers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
marketers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are
hiding. 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Wilson Nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat
with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the
video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face
the camera and says with a grin "Use Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on TV. I'll
give you a second chance, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape.
He puts it in the machine and hits play. This time the camera pans out from a Roman
standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and
says 'Wilson Nails, they'll hold anything'.

Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand: I don't want anything with Jesus on the
cross! Listen, I'll give you a last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I
can broadcast."

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on
the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field.
About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to
camera and says 'If only we had used Wilson Nails!'.

You Might Be A Marketer If...

You refer to dating as test marketing.

When you bought a new house you called your fellow alumni and offered to name a room
after them, if they'll help with the down payment.

Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his
window..."

When you give your son his birthday present, you must say that it has an "unprecedented
performance".

When you describe a product as "maintenance-free" you mean that it is impossible to fix it.

You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce
another child.

The Marketer And The Programmer

A Marketer and an Programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The Programmer leans over to the Marketer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. 

The Marketer just wants to sleep, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to
catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a
a whole fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $5." 

Again, the Marketer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The Programmer, now
somewhat agitated, and confident of his ability, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer you
pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" 

This catches the Marketer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays,
so he agrees to the game. 

The Programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The Marketer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and
hands it to the Programmer.

 Now, it's the Marketer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to
his co-workers -- all to no avail. 

After about an hour, he wakes the Marketer and hands him $50. The Marketer politely takes
the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more than a little
miffed, shakes the Marketer and asks "Well, so what's the answer?" 
Without a word, the Marketer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5, then turns
away to get back to sleep.

Apple Marketing

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of
the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. Marketing was the key to my success."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end
of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing
them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the
end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

Man of Marketing

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times.
On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This was her
explanation:

My first husband was a sales representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in
grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great"!

My second husband was from software services; he was never quite sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation.

My third husband was an accountant. His comments were that he knew how, but he just
wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.

My fourth husband was a teacher, and he simply said, "Those who can...do; those who
can't...teach".

My fifth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but
needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My sixth husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My seventh husband was a help-desk coordinator and he kept teaching me how to do it

myself.

My eighth husband was in technical support, and he kept saying, "Don't worry, it'll be up
any minute now."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
marketing". 

The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have
the product, I'm just not sure how to position it".

The Top 10 Signs You Work In Marketing

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their look-to-
buy ratio.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday so you can wear casual clothes to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town
within the same week.

5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a bold fashion statement.

4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better than your next door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

1. You think a "half-day" means leaving work at 5 o'clock.

Uh-Oh!

A young Marketing executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the Marketing
Director standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this
thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive, keen to please his boss. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Marketing Director as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

Good For Business

A visiting customer is taken on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products by
their Marketing Manager.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The
machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the Marketer. "The popping
sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a noise: 'Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!"

"Wait a minute!" says the customer. "I understand what the

'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a
hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

These Are The Nominees For The Chevy Nova Award

This award is given out in honor of GM's fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central
and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".

1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them
to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish
translation read "Are you lactating?"

2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer
From Diarrhea."

3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American

campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that
"mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in
the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa,
companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people
can't read.

6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno
magazine.
 7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which
promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I
Saw the Potato" (la papa).

8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your
Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax
tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole" translating
into "happiness in the mouth."

10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was
translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have
read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that
the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't
leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"

12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the
Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant
"Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!

13. A simple language check employed by most modern marketers should have
prevented a shoe being given the same name as the poison gas used by the Nazis
during the Holocaust. But it didn’t. The British sportswear manufacturer Umbro
apologizes and withdraws the Zyklon brand name.

58 Headlines They Didn't Mean!

 
Headlines are important. They advertise and market the following information. Sometimes,
it goes horribly wrong...
 
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies
 
A Marketing Moral
 
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the
old man walked. 
 
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man
was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
so they changed positions.
 
Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy
walk." They then decided they both would walk!
 
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had
a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. 
 
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on
a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the
donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the
river and drowned. 
 
The moral of the story? In Marketing, if you try to please everyone, you might as well... 
 
Kiss your ass good-bye.

Marketing Mis-Translations

In a Tokyo Hotel:
"Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please
not to read notis."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

"The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be
unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator:
"Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In Akko, Israel:
"Lamp Chops"

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:

"To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons,
each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator:

"Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
"The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel:
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

"You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:

"Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu in a Swiss restaurant:

"Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel:

"Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a
finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

"Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:

"Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop:

"Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop:

"Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:

"There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.
These were executed over the past two years."

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:

"It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel:
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is
suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
"Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry:
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:

"Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:

"Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple:
"It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar:
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:

"We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:

"If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

"ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo:
"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor:

"Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel:
"The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop:
"Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

"Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:

"When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

"- English well talking."
"- Here speeching American."

Stuffed Menu Items From Around the World

Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China

Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried freindship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
Goose Barnacles - Spain
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea's Meat Balls - Romania

Some Unfortunate Product Names

Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues

Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Libido - Chinese soda
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laudnry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Zit - Greek soft drink
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent

55 Classified Ads That Went Wrong

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing
forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads,
quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden
fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost
sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts
such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool
while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear
nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Wanted: Female cleaners.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere
again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get
hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping
duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Hot Air Baloon

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground
and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this
field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West
Longitude."
"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to
make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise
which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the
exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."