BDSM - Negotiate

As with any successful relationship, you need to understand the

expectations of everyone involved.

This is especially important in the case of a relationship that will

include the giving up of control of one to the other – negotiating
what each individual wants and doesn’t want must be done first
before jumping into this sort of arrangement.

Just winging it and hoping it all works out in the end can be a
serious recipe for disaster when playing with such extreme forms
of play and training.

Chances are good both you and your partner are not mind
readers, so taking the time to have a clear understanding of each
others needs and desires is essential. More importantly what is
completely off limits and should be avoided at all costs.

For some Dominants and submissives, this process will begin with
the initial interview of what each side wants and what they don’t
want.

Negotiating should be a long discussion, it could take days, weeks

or months. Take however long you need to feel comfortable with
completely understand your partner. Include as many different

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 ideas and potential situations and scenarios as possible.

In this kind of relationship that places psychological control as well

as physical control on the proverbial table, negotiations are, well,
not negotiable. You need to talk before you can play.

But I Don't Have Any Limits, So There Is No Need

To Negotiate

If I had a nickel for every time I heard a person say they have no
limits, I would be a rich man today.

Do you know how many of those same people still had no limits
after a brief discussion with them?

Don’t get me wrong there are people who don’t have limits and
there is nothing wrong with that if that is genuinely how they feel.

However, there is a huge difference between not having any limits

and just assuming because you may not like something that your
partner won’t incorporate it or want it in their play with you.

For example speaking with one submissive they proudly

expressed to me how they don’t have any limits. After only a few
minutes of conversation they began saying no to a number of
different BDSM related activities.

1) If I had not pressed the conversation, I would have believed

they genuinely did not have any limits.

2) Imagine the shock, pain and trauma that can be experienced by

both partners when an activity is incorporated that is a hard limit
but was never communicated.

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 Taking the time to uncover and negotiate what is and is not
acceptable for play is safer for everyone involved.

Now even if a person doesn’t have any limits it is still essential to

negotiate. Just because that person has no limits it does not mean
their partner doesn’t have any limits.

Also different desires and limits change with different people.

Suspension Bondage might be high on your list of desires, but it
might be off limits with someone you don’t know or trust or who
might not have the skill to perform the activity.

Having Limits Does Not Make You Less Kinky

Many submissives and Dominants have been caught in the idea

that to be a true Dominant or a true submissive you have to like
and be willing to participate in everything. I don’t know where this
started and it couldn’t be further from the truth.

Knowing and understanding what you desire and what you don’t is
truly important for you and how you will live your life.

Do not compare yourself to anybody else. Let others enjoy their

desires, kinks and fetishes their way and you can enjoy yours the
way you need to.

Knowing your limits and staying within them is what will allow you
to be able to freely express yourself the way you need. And will
lead to far safer, healthier and happier BDSM experiences.

I Don't Feel Comfortable Talking About This With

Others

I get it! This is an uncomfortable and extremely personal

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 discussing to have with someone. You are opening up to another
person about your deepest desires that you have hidden from the
rest of the world. And most of the time you will have this kind of
discussion is with someone you are just getting to know.

This kind of discuss can make a person feel vulnerable, exposed,

uncomfortable, judged; all combined with the potential fear of
being rejected for desires.

1. you are not the only one feeling this way, we all feel this way.
Years of social programing telling us what we like is wrong, doesn’t
go away over night. But know this submissive, Dominant, switch,
new, experienced, young and old, we all have a bit of discomfort
when revealing our true selves to others.

2. If you think talking about your desires is uncomfortable imagine

how uncomfortable the discussion will be when a limit is crossed
because you chose not to inform your partner about that limit. The
pain emotionally and physically, the anxiety and trauma that can
come from it is far more uncomfortable and painful.

3. Find yourself tongue tied when trying to express yourself, write it

out your desires and limits instead. Take some time in the comfort
of your home, by yourself and lay it all out with pen and paper.
Give it to your partner, allow them some time to read and reflect on
it by their self, and have them do the same for you. With some
time to reflect and think things over you will find that it will become
much easier to talk about each other’s desires once you are able
to see what desires you have in common.

Do I Have To Write It All Out?

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 As in BDSM and in life, you don’t have to do anything you don’t
want to. If you feel more comfortable just speaking with your
partner, by all means do that.

Do whatever you need to do to be able to clearly communicate

your needs!

Only through clear communication can your partner understand

what is acceptable, responsibilities and any safety concerns that
need to be addressed. And you can understand the same in
return.

However, having these desires and limits expressed in a physical

form:

1. Helps reduce miscommunication as everything is written down in

black and white for your partner to read.

2. Gives your partner something they can refer back to at any time in
case they might have forgotten something.

3. Very easy for the both of you to compare likes and dislikes and
see where you both can connect.

4. Allows you a chance to reflect back and see how you have
changed over the course of your life. No one ever stays the same
and our desires change with us

Negotiating & Writing It All Down Seems So

Business Like

One thing about life is that it is whatever you make it to be.

So absolutely negotiating your desires with a potential partner and

having it all written down can seem awkward and more like a

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 business negotiation if that is how you make it.

It can also be a fun and playful experience if you let yourself have
fun with it.

It can be an extremely arousing form of foreplay if you allow your

mind to enjoy it.

It can be an educational and enlightening experience if you are

open to it.

But if you only view this moment as an uncomfortable, tedious and

awkward experience that is all it will ever be.

Learning about yourself, your potential partner and what you need
to do to make sure all your future experiences remain safe and fun
can be just as much fun and as exciting as many BDSM activities
themselves. And you just might discover something you never
knew before in the process.

I Don't Know What I Like And Don't Like

We all start in the same place. This is a truly common problem, but
just because you haven’t ever tried anything doesn’t mean you
don’t have a few desires that keep reoccurring in your fantasies.

Your list of desires and limits will forever change and evolve as you
do. One moment you may want nothing to do with one activity and
a few years later its one of your favorite. The opposite is also true,
a favorite activity can become a hard limit.

Your list of desires and limits is not set in stone, you can change it
whenever you want.

To start with try keeping your desire list small. Focus on the key
interests that you find yourself fantasizing about or frequently

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 search for on the internet (that tends to be a dead give away).

That may just be bare handed spanking. Perfect…There is nothing

wrong with only wanting one thing. Put that as the only activity you
are interested in on your list and everything else for now is off
limits.

Remember only play within your limits. As time goes one and you
learn more and are exposed to more activities you may begin to
add more activities to your list. Or you might just only ever like
bare handed spankings…Your kinks are your kinks for you to enjoy
however you like.

Never Ever let anyone tell you that you are not kinky enough. You
are the perfect amount of kinky for YOU!

I Have My BDSM Checklist, Now What

This is just the start, we still have so many deep desires to

discover and revel in.

Negotiating isn’t just about uncovering your desires and making

sure you are safe, but creating an environment where your every
need and desire is satiated.

To do that many Dominants and submissives will discuss:

What will occur during a particular scene.

When first starting to play with someone, it can be a good idea to
layout exactly how the scene will go so there aren’t any surprises.
If just getting to know someone and have no idea how they will
react, making sure they know what is about to be done in the
scene will ensure both parties are aware and have consented.
Eliminate the surprise from the already overwhelming equation.

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 Write out fantasies and/or a wishlist of things they have always
wanted to do.

Ask questions inquiring about expectations

How do they want their partner to behave in the relationship?

How and when is the D/s or M/s part of the relationship to be

enjoyed? (24/7, just in the bedroom, once in a while, etc.)

What do they expect their partner to be responsible for in the

relationship?

What do they expect from their partner if something goes wrong

during a scene/play?

If punishments will be added to training/play, what types of

punishment are acceptable?

If a partner makes a mistake, what is expected of them? What do

they expect of their partner?

Imagine your partner has flaws, how do they handle this?

Past experiences and how they dealt with those scenarios and
what they learned from them?

This is where some people will create a contract laying out

everything discussed in the negotiations. Both will sign and be
responsible to adhere to the agreement made. No, this is not a
legally binding contract but more of a personal form of
accountability that each partner agrees too.

What Else Should Be Discussed During

Negotiations

It is very easy to get wrapped up into desires and limits but there is

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 a lot more that you and your potential partner need to discuss and
agree too before you get started.

Here are a few things that need to be addressed during your

negotiations:

Safewords/Safesignals

Both partners should agree to what safeword or words will be used

if a scene needs to be immediately stopped. And a safesignal if an
individual's ability to speak is limited or removed, like dropping a
bell from their hand. All people involved must know these words
and signals, respect them and abide by them at all times.

Risks

While I know talking about the potential risks one faces when
participating in BDSM isn't sexy or fun, but this entire process is
about INFORMED CONSENT! Therefore everyone involved must
be informed about the potential for risk of harm in any activity they
are wanting to be a part of.

It must first be understood that there is no such thing as safe

BDSM and/or safe sex. All BDSM and sexual practices come with
risk.

While there are “safer” practices and methods, that can reduce an
individuals chances of harm, and/or injury, these are not 100%
effective in eliminating the risk of harm and/or injury.

While W/we believe that it is always important to practice safer

BDSM and sexual methods to reduce a persons exposure to risk,
this does not mean there is no risk of harm and/or injury. This must
clearly be understood before ever taking part in any form of BDSM

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 and/or sexual activity.

Health Issues

Many people have medical and/or physical issues that can impede
their ability to fully participate in some activities or if able to
participate at all. We as individual must all respect the limitations of
our bodies for our partner's health and safety. More importantly we
must acknowledge and respect our own limitations.

The point of BDSM is to have fun and experience new sensations

but not at the expense of your health.

These issues can range from limited mobility, pain or neck pain to
dealing with diabetes or a heart condition and can include mental
health issues as well. Whatever the issue may be, all must be
aware and work together to avoid creating any further strain and
exacerbating the situation.

Some Questions To Ask

Do you have any sexually transmitted diseases or had any in the

past? When was the last time you were tested?

Do you have any health issues I should be aware of?

Are you taking any medications?

Have you ever been diagnosed with any kind of mental health
illness?

Do you suffer from any forms of seizures or sudden loss of

consciousness?

Do you suffer from any kind of depression?

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 Do you have or have you ever had any panic attacks or phobias?

Do you use non-prescription drugs?

Have you ever been in a drug abuse program?

Do you have any physical limitations or disabilities?

Are there any areas of your body I should be more careful with?

Is there any special food, drink or medication I should have on

hand during play for emergencies?

Any food allergies or restrictions?

Past Traumas

Talking about past traumas is never easy, but reliving them can be
even worst. You don't have to go into specifics but it is very
important to communicate the type of trauma that has been
experienced and things that should be avoided so as not to trigger
more trauma.

Also learn about early warning signs to look out for that can
indicate an individual is starting to suffer or is about to have an
attack. You may have done all your homework, taken every
precaution and done everything you could to avoid triggering your
partner's past trauma but just one thought or a brief moment can
create a sudden attack.

Many people will try to fight through it, hoping it will pass, but if you
are able to see these warning signs you will be able to stop the
scene and be better able to help support them as they need.

Let them know the reason you ask is not because you want to
invade or pry into their life, you just want to make sure you are

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 looking after them during play and the last thing you want is for
them to relive any past pain.

Some Questions To Ask

I would like to prevent the triggering of any past traumas for you. Is
there any scenarios or particular situations that I should avoid?

Any phrases I should never say?

Any particular type of touching or play that should never be done?

Aftercare

While many people focus mostly on play and training of BDSM,

aftercare is absolutely essential. After a person has been pushed
to their physical and mental limits, their mind and body will
experience a massive drop as they try to orientate themselves
back to reality.

Just as everyone has different kinks; everyone has different

aftercare needs. So it is important in your negotiations that you
figure out before your partner is a sweaty, shaking, crying mass on
the floor, what exactly they will need from you.

Submissives don't think you are off the hook here, Dominants can
experience a drop after a scene as well and they will need care
from you as well.

Some Questions To Ask

Is there anything specific that you need during aftercare or after a

session?

Is there any specific food or drinks you prefer?

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 Is there a special blanket or object that you need for aftercare?

Do you need to cuddle or touch or do you prefer to be left alone?

Do I Have To Be This In Depth When I Negotiate

You can negotiate as much or as little as you like. All this has been
laid out to show you everything you can possibly negotiate to help
avoid potential issues in any D/s relationship or BDSM scene.

Over time and with experience you will find what works for you and
components that are most important to you when negotiating.

The point to take away from this is negotiating is a beautiful way to

learn more about your partner, figure out how to keep you both
safe and ensure all consent is informed consent.

With respect, a little patience and understanding, an open mind

and honest communication you are likely to find this will greatly
enhance your D/s relationship and future experiences together.

Creating a safer environment that will allow you and your partner
to become more empowered from your time together.

Have fun with it…after all you’re learning about all the wonderfully
devious moments you potentially will be sharing together. Just
thinking about them should be enough to get you hot, I know it
does for me.

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