The Orgasm Bible
The Orgasm Bible
The Orgasm Bible
Introduction The Hype, the Hope, the Myths, and the Truth about Orgasm
Acknowledgments
Index
Introduction
The Hype, the Hope, the Myths, and the Truth about Orgasm
The hype, the myths, and especially the hope surrounding orgasm persist. That ballyhooed (or is it
“hooey-ed”?) book 24-Hour Orgasm was pure hype, a great cover line for selling a book. Many such
cover lines have sold other books based on tiny kernels of orgasm truth exploded into nuclear
popcorn—hype. The idea that love leads to orgasm: myth. Another myth: A woman can come during
intercourse if a man has a big penis and knows what to do with it. You will encounter more examples
of both hype and myth in the chapters that follow.
The hope? It’s all a woman has if she doesn’t know her own body and leaves the “job” of making
orgasm happen up to her partner. Women come during passionate intercourse with no visible signs of
direct clitoral stimulation in novels and mainstream movies and even in porn films where the
producers and directors ought to know better. The trailer for a new adult flick by a respected woman
producer shows a couple in a rear-entry intercourse position. The happy woman appears to be on the
verge, but no hand is anywhere near her genitals. Now, come on! I would love to see that scene done
with a finger vibe (on her finger or his) in the right place——just as I would love to see a real anal
sex scene where the lube is applied copiously and the fingers, tongue, and even butt plug are
introduced to relax and open the anal sphincter muscles before penetration. (Trust me: all that
happens off camera now.)
You know the joke: Yes, the Prince will come——but too soon. And he will leave the Princess
hanging on the edge. Why do women, and men too, put our erotic faith solely in the symbolic sword of
the Prince, when women have it within their power to take themselves over the edge at any time?
We do that because generations of women and men have bought into the biggest orgasm myth of all:
intimacy over orgasms. Women would rather feel close and connected to their partners than come,
according to the myth. A study reported in a CNN story in November 2006 was one of many claiming
that it’s not orgasm but intimacy women crave. Doesn’t that remind you of a woman waving away the
dessert menu and saying, “Oh, no dessert for me. I shouldn’t! I’ll just have a bite of yours.”
So women are satisfied with a bite of what he’s having? The reflected glow of his orgasmic delight?
Do women really not mind thrilling to his throb alone? Do men not mind the disparity?
Women order desserts now and still sample his. Don’t you think it’s time women claimed their
pleasure, too?
For more than twenty years, I have been writing sex advice columns in magazines from Penthouse
Forum to Redbook, and in books as well. I have surveyed and interviewed thousands of women and
men. The number one question from women, both then and now, is: “How can I come during
intercourse?” The number one question from men, then and now, is: “How can I give her an orgasm?”
In fact, we mind so much that every few years major studies report great dissatisfaction in our
bedrooms. Up to 70 percent of women don’t reach orgasm during “lovemaking” or “sexual
encounters” ——and that typically means intercourse-based sex. An equal number report loss of
desire in long-term relationships, especially marriages. Men are losing desire, too.
Some studies go as far as to label women as “dys-functional” because they don’t reach orgasm and
don’t want sex. Is it dysfunction or a passive/aggressive rejection of the sexual status quo: He comes,
she maybe does?
If women have been cheated by our reliance on the myth of intimacy over orgasm, then so have men.
The pressure has been on him to do something he probably can’t do no matter how “good” he is in
bed: bring her to orgasm on the strength of his penis alone. That gives him “performance anxiety,” his
own special sex problem to complement hers.
In the 1970s, young baby boomer women gave their men a message: cunnilingus. Many got the
message. Cunnilingus became not only an accepted part of sex play but also a preferred way to “give”
a woman an orgasm before intercourse, where he could get his. In 2004, Ian Kerner, Ph.D., repeated
the message for a new generation of men in his book She Comes First. In the introduction, he wrote
that he was inspired to write the book by his own struggles with premature ejaculation. (His follow-
up book? He Comes Next.)
While I love Ian and his book, I wish readers could take away the wonderful information about
pleasuring women without buying into the implicit premise: It really is up to him to “give” her that
orgasm.
As Carlin Ross, the founder and CEO of Cherry-bomb, a women’s lifestyle brand, says repeatedly:
“It’s not his job to make her come.” A feminist whose primary agenda is the sexual empowerment of
women without the disenfranchisement of men, Carlin believes that “women’s heads——and that
includes the heads of female therapists and researchers——are so filled with guilt about sex that they
perpetuate the myths in the guise of science. They bolster the belief that it is his job to make her
come.”
Carlin is right. From girlfriends to sex therapists to porn producers, women have all colluded to make
that “his job.” How much freer and more satisfying for both partners sex would be if we truly
believed and accepted the immortal words of Teri Garr’s character in the classic film Tootsie: “I [the
woman] am responsible for my own orgasms!”
Orgasm is easy for men, difficult for women, the reasoning goes, yet paradoxically women can have
them longer, stronger, and more often than men. Orgasm could be, should be, just as easy for women
——and it would be if women embraced the orgasm truths and didn’t cleave to the hype and the
myths while clinging desperately to the hope. You doubt that? Consider this: Men and women reach
orgasm via masturbation in about the same amount of time, five to six minutes.
That “elusive” or “problematic” female orgasm is right at her fingertips (or vibrator) when she’s
pleasuring herself.
The biggest truth about her orgasm is that it probably isn’t going to happen via intercourse alone.
Anatomy and physiology are the determining factors. Most women are not built to get all the
stimulation they need to reach orgasm through the friction of intercourse. That friction works great for
him. But it will only produce the same waves of ecstasy for her if she is one of approximately 25
percent of women who have what I call an “innie” clitoris. Some belly buttons pop out, some go in.
Some clitorises stand out as soon as the woman is excited. Others hide beneath their hoods and the
tongue must search for them, but they get what they need from intercourse friction. Intercourse alone
will never do it for the woman whose clitoris is an “outie.”
Nobody ever talks about this! We hide behind language that makes it sound like only a small
percentage of women are “sexy” enough to come with no hands——and/or only a small percentage of
men are skilled enough to bring them to orgasm with no hands. And we label women “dysfunctional”
if they don’t reach orgasm during intercourse alone——and, correspondingly, lose their desire for
sex. How crazy is that?
Orgasms are splendid. They are worth pursuing. Having them makes everyone happier, healthier, and
more connected to their own sexuality as well as to their partners. For women, the ability to reach
orgasm easily and often is empowering. Yet feminists have curiously had little interest in leading
women to that kind of empowerment——and have often seemed to be victims of intimacy myths
themselves.
Doris Lessing was suspicious of men who were motivated to find a woman’s clitoris. They “fear
intimacy,” she wrote. Simone de Beauvoir never had an orgasm with Jean Paul Sartre——and they
call that a great love affair!——but was slavishly devoted to him, to the point of valuing his writing
over her own. Both de Beauvoir and Germaine Greer held that “digital massage” of the clitoris by
men “subjugated women still further.” Greer encouraged women to hold out for “ecstasy” and the
vaginal orgasm. American feminists of the 1970s knelt in obeisance to lesbianism but had little
interest in improving sex for heterosexual women. Remember the late Andrea Dworkin’s contention
that all intercourse was rape?
One might think that the younger generation, especially the women——Gen X and Gen Y——have
sex and orgasm figured out, but one would be wrong. Writing in Her Way: Young Women Remake the
Sexual Revolution author Paula Kamen concluded from her interviews that twenty-something women
can’t tell men what they want in bed——and aren’t getting it, either. Although these women lament
that the men with whom they “hook up” or have “booty calls” don’t care whether “we’re getting off or
not,” they keep hooking up and answering the calls. Why? They don’t want to “scare the boys away.”
What must the boys think of all that?
What kind of new revolution is this if the girls don’t even get dinner before having sex without
orgasm? What are they getting out of those hookups and booty calls? Surely not even “intimacy.” The
anthropologist Margaret Mead said that men and women know sexual techniques in societies where
sexuality and sexual pleasure are valued. I do not recall her writing about “intimacy issues” within
those societies, either.
To say that women would choose intimacy over orgasm is an insult to our intelligence anyway. How
intimately connected, how close and fond does she feel lying at his side after he has come and she has
not? I would wager: not very. She may even be seething with resentment. And she’s certainly——
according to the statistics——in no hurry to do it again. How must he feel knowing she’s dissatisfied?
Men have it right: Good sex and orgasm create intimacy between lovers.
Women can have this. It’s not that hard. Men want it for their partners, too.
Chapter 1 Insatiable Bodies
The big 1999 Chicago study, the National Health and Social Life Survey, disclosed that “sexual
problems” affected 43 percent of women.
Research conducted at the University of Texas in Austin, however, found that women with low sexual
arousal who did twenty minutes of aerobic exercise, such as fast walking, jogging, or riding a
stationery bike, increased their level of arousal and desire.
Regular exercise is just as important in maintaining his lusty life as hers. In fact, as men age past
forty, they need to maintain their body to sustain their penis. Excessive drinking and smoking, weight
problems, and hypertension put weights on the end of the penis, bringing it down. Viagra and Cialis
can help, but they leave a telltale flush on your face—and nothing beats a natural high, anyway.
The vibrator was actually introduced in the 1880s as a medical device for treating hysterical
women via genital massage, relieving doctors of the difficult work of doing that by hand. If you’ve
ever wondered why so many female characters in Victorian novels were prone to hysteria, now
you know.
As psychology became a prominent discipline, “hysteria” morphed into “frigidity” and then
“female sexual dysfunction” or FSD. Numerous studies in recent years have reported large
numbers of dysfunctional women.
Regular stretching makes
your movements more
sensuous and fluid.
Passion Killers
Keep in mind that the following will kill your passion—and that of your partner:
• Excessive eating
• Excessive drinking
• Smoking
• Drugs, both recreational and some prescription drugs, especially antidepressants and
medications for high blood pressure
• Obesity
• Lack of attention to appearance and grooming
TIP
—•—
Yoga is great for stretching, relaxing, and getting in touch with your sexuality. Consider
taking a yoga class with your partner. Or buy a simple beginner’s guide book. Practice
positions facing one another or side-by-side. If you prefer more high energy workouts yet
don’t want to compete in games like tennis, then jog or speed walk together—and talk
along the way about what you want to do in bed later.
Don’t skip this section. Do your Kegels. It’s critical to your sex life and just not that hard to do.
Standing in line, driving, working out, reading a book, watching TV—Kegel time, any time. And yes,
he needs to have a strong PC muscle too to sustain intercourse longer and have some control over his
ejaculation.
Here’s how: The PC muscle is a hammock-like muscle that stretches from the pubic bone to the
coccyx (tailbone) in both sexes. It forms the floor of your pelvic cavity. Locate your PC muscle by
stopping and starting the flow of urine. After you have found the PC muscle, start with a short Kegel
sequence, and then add a long Kegel sequence.
Do two sets of 20 twice a day. Gradually build up to two sets of 75 per day.
Once you are doing 300 contractions a day of the combined short and long sequences, you will be
ready to add the push-out.
The Push-Out
After releasing the contraction, push down and out gently, as if you were having a bowel movement
with your PC muscle. I said gently. It’s a slow release of that muscle, with some light pressure
exerted while pushing down (out).
Once you’ve mastered the push-out, create Kegel sequences that combine long and short repetitions
with push-outs. After six weeks of daily sets of 300, you should have a well-developed PC muscle
and can keep it that way by doing sets of 150 several times a week.
Kegel Exercisers
Kegel exercisers, such as Candida Royalle’s little barbell, can add fun to the routine. You simply pull
the bar into your vagina using your PC muscle, and then expel it the same way. Pull in, push out. Easy.
Now try it with a vibe and then a penis.
REAL TALK
“Kegels do everything they’re hyped to do. A bonus for me: I get turned on by doing them. If I do
Kegels while I’m working with weights at the gym, I’m so aroused, my nipples get hard. I can’t
wait to get home to my man.”
—Caitlin, 32
The Hot Hips Swivel: After your brief warm-up, stand with your feet about 2 feet apart, with your
knees slightly bent and your lower tummy slightly protruding. Put your hands on your waist. Imagine a
cone of erotic fire with the tip at your navel spreading throughout your pelvic region. Swivel your
hips to the right, front, left, and back in a counterclockwise direction. Work those hips! Inhale and
contract your PC muscles as you move your hips forward. Exhale and release as you move them
backward. Move in a dozen smooth, continuous circles. Then reverse direction and do a dozen
clockwise swivels.
Now add:
The Lusty Cat: Get down on all fours. Lean forward with most of your weight on your arms and
your butt in the air. Rock your pelvis only (either side-to-side or front-to-back) for 1 to 3 minutes.
Then begin to move slowly across the room like a cat in heat, keeping your belly low but not touching
the floor. As you move forward, lower your head close to the floor and make the motion a cat makes
licking up spilled milk, with your head down, then come up slowly. This loosens tense muscles in
your neck and shoulders and allows the sexual energy to flow up and down your spine. Squeeze your
PC muscle and inhale on the downward movement, then release your PC muscle and exhale on the
upward movement. Move fast, then slow, flexing your PC muscle and breathing in time. Do this for 3
to 5 minutes.
REAL TALK
“My walk is more sensual, freer, and looser, and so is the way I move in bed. I didn’t realize how
much tension I held in that part of my body until I started doing this routine.”
—Jennie, 37
The Hungry Lioness: Get down on all fours. Lean forward with your chest near but not on the floor
and your butt in the air. Start a vigorous back-and-forth rocking motion with your pelvis as you keep
your chest and back relaxed. The rocking takes place in your pelvis only! Do this for 1 to 3 minutes.
Then relax the pelvic muscles and thrust your body forward, with your weight on your arms, like a
hungry lioness sensing the presence of her mate. As you lean forward, inhale and gently squeeze your
buttocks together. Now push your body back, reapportioning your weight more on your knees than on
your arms. As you exhale, relax your pelvis and buttocks. Repeat the movements for another minute or
two.
Kick-dancing: Dance to the music and in the style of your choice, but add kicks, kicking as high and
as often as you can. Jazz dancing is good, too. If you’re new to dance, start with modest kicks and
build up slowly to avoid injury. Do this for at least 5 minutes, building up to 15 minutes on days you
have time for a longer workout.
Expanding orgasm: Masturbate using a vibrator or your hand. As soon as you become highly
aroused, use your other hand to massage the area of your vulva, inner thighs, and groin with light,
shallow strokes. Tell yourself that you are spreading arousal throughout your genitals and entire
pelvic region. Continue massaging during your orgasm, imagining that you are spreading the orgasm
into your whole body. After orgasm, continue stimulating your genitals. You will feel the orgasm
continue to spread, and you will probably have another or several orgasms, perhaps smaller ones that
feel like aftershocks. Some women report actually feeling the orgasm from the top of their heads to
the soles of their feet.
Unlike other forms of yoga, Kundalini does not require that you assume defined poses. Start in a
simple yoga pose, standing with your feet apart, knees slightly bent, and eyes down.
Stroke your partner’s pelvic area
gently but firmly to open up the
navel chakra and stimulate the
sexual power center.
Freeing the Kundalini Energy: Exhale deeply. Imagine yourself collapsing more deeply into your
Kundalini seat with each exhalation. Close your eyes. As you inhale slowly, raise your head, and feel
the Kundalini energy rising. Let your hands float at your sides. Now, exhale, letting your head come
down again. As you continue breathing, let your body move any way it wants to move. Feel the energy
and flow with it.
Do the Freeing the Kundalini Energy exercise side-by-side or facing one another. Now, go through
some easy couple’s yoga exercises that will sexually energize you together.
Connecting Energies: Facing each other, with knees bent, make eye contact, and breathe together,
inhaling and exhaling in time. Open up your arms and hold them around your partner, first without
touching. Then hold your partner loosely by the shoulders, and breathe together for a few minutes.
Feel the sexual energy pulsating throughout one body and into the other.
Rising Energies: Facing each other at arm’s length apart, hold hands. Bounce gently together. Then
slowly squat down to the floor. Resting on the balls of your feet, rock gently, lending each other
support through clasped hands. Feel the Kundalini energy uncoiling inside your bodies. Now slowly
rise together. As you rise, the Kundalini rises inside each of you. Repeat the squatting and rising,
moving rhythmically. After a few times, focus on coordinating your breathing. Repeat several times.
TIP
—•—
If you want to study Kundalini in greater depth, find a teacher or a class rather than
relying on a book alone. The discipline combines physical and mental exercises to
connect body and mind. The basic techniques are cross-legged positions, strict
positioning of the spine (usually upright), erotic use of breath, and mental focus (often on
breathing or a mantra—a word used in meditation).
Studies have shown that regular practice of Kundalini can lower blood pressure,
regulate heart rate, and aide in muscle relaxation. Some therapists include yoga, often
Kundalini specifically, in their treatment of clients, particularly those suffering from
obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
Sex begins in the head—both in the brain and in the mind. Erotic longing, that desire we feel for one
another, triggers arousal. And let’s be honest: Desire is stronger early in the relationship than it is
after familiarity sets in. If you can’t sustain it by frequent separations or reignite it by adding “taboo”
elements such as discreet cheating or mutually sanctioned affairs, one-night stands, or poly-amorous
liaisons, then you absolutely must heat things up through fantasy and by learning new techniques and
trying new positions.
You need to keep that mind/brain-to-genital connection snapping like a hot wire in a rainstorm—at
least a good part of the time. And here’s something that short-circuits the connection: Women will
lose their arousal if they catch a glimpse of their ass dimples in the mirror while they’re having sex. A
woman’s body image issues often hold her back. That just doesn’t happen to men. Men are never
thinking, “Do my thighs look flabby in this position?”
You have to trust me on this: If a man is naked in your bed, then he isn’t repulsed by your body. He
has a wonderful ability to focus on the parts he likes and let the rest ease into soft focus. And his
erection, the sweat on his brow, and the look of lust in his eyes are sure indicators that he has found
something he likes.
You doubt me? Research scientists, including Barry Komisaruk, Carlos Beyer-Flores, and Beverly
Whipple, authors of the recent and acclaimed The Science of Orgasm, have proved it in the lab.
Women attached to electrodes measuring arousal and women participating in brain scan research
often show signs of arousal while watching explicit erotic material—while they are claiming, “No,
I’m not turned on.”
Old stereotypes die hard even in new generations. Are we passing this stuff down in the breast milk?
In days past, female fantasies had to be obsessively “romantic” to be acceptable. The danger there?
The fantasy stopped before the sex really began and women had even more reason to equate lust with
love. But Nancy Friday’s 1991 book on women’s fantasies, Women On Top, brought the female
fantasy out of the closet. The women she interviewed fantasized about S/M, bondage, group sex, rape,
and multiple partners. They were just as kinky as their men.
And here is a new trend: Women under forty have more girl-on-girl fantasies, with women under
thirty reporting that as their number one fantasy on sites like Cherry-bomb and in magazine surveys.
According to a 2006 article in the Journal of Sex Research, Australian researchers studied 19,000
people and discovered that 76 percent of women who slept with another woman reached orgasm,
compared to only 59 percent of women who slept with men. London’s Daily Mail reported this story
under the headline: “Lesbians have more orgasms” And many studies put the number of orgasmic
women sleeping with men somewhat lower than that.
Sexual fantasy builds anticipation
and puts you in touch with your
body’s unique sexual responses.
When the results of a German study on female sexual attitudes and behaviors was released in late
2006, many were shocked to read this finding: Women lose more interest in sex once they feel
secure in a relationship than men do! So much for the comfortable theory that a woman only opens
up sexually when she feels emotionally secure.
REAL TALK
Why girl-on-girl?
“Women get disappointed in men. I started having sex with my girl roommate after we both broke
up with boyfriends. We were 26 and 27. The sex was okay, but we were missing ‘the dick’ so we
started running ads on Craigslist for a male partner to join us. The threesomes were hot. Then I met
a new guy. She’s with another girl.”
—Lisa, 30
—•—
“Playing with girlfriends doesn’t feel like cheating on your man. I had my first oral orgasm with a
girlfriend. Even if your guy finds out you’re playing around with a girlfriend, he doesn’t really
care. It turns him on,”
—Jennie, 25
Experiment with different sexual
fantasies. For example, role-play a
sexy tryst between assistant and
boss and flip the gender roles.
Think Yourself Off
Gina Ogden, Ph.D., author of the classic Women Who Love Sex, found that some women—call them
lucky or “hypersexed”—can reach orgasm via extra genital stimulation alone, such as having their
breasts sucked or their inner thighs kissed. Even fewer can “think off” or reach orgasm via fantasy
alone.
If you don’t manage to reach orgasm through breathing and flexing, then just use your hand or vibrator
to get there.
Women who put sex at or near the top of their “To Think” list are women who consistently reach
orgasm. Every time you brush aside a sexy thought or an erotic fantasy, you are saying: I don’t have
time for my own pleasure. And that’s a bad message to keep giving yourself. Indulge your sexy brain.
Think, and you will come.
REAL TALK
How do you get your guy to fantasize about you?
“I send him graphic text messages. But I am prepared to follow through on the promises.”
—Kelli, 26
—•—
“Leave him with a sense memory—your fragrance lingering on his sheets, a bit of lipstick on his
collar, a little bruise or indentation from your fingernail where you gripped his ass so hard while
you were coming.”
—Gina, 42
—•—
“You keep surprising him! He’s given up on getting anal sex from you and then you buy the butt plug
and lube. Or you rent the really dirty porn flick.”
—Christine, 38
Men do not censor their erotic thoughts. If they are smart, they don’t share most of them with their
girlfriends or wives. They merely delight in them in private.
And that means what? Only that he has an active fantasy life. And, yes, he might do some of those
things if you’d let him—but probably not sex with your mother unless she is Goldie Hawn. Unless he
has nothing but violent fantasies and can’t be aroused without them, then he’s “normal”—whatever
that means.
TIP
—•—
If you need help fantasizing, consider viewing some erotic images. Doing so—and
acknowledging your subsequent arousal—may be key in getting you pumped up for the
big event.
And ladies: don’t think viewing erotic images only works for men. A 2006 study focused
on arousal in male and female brains conducted at Washington University in St. Louis
(U.S.) revealed a surprising find: Women registered erotic images in the brain more
quickly than men. The men, however, acknowledged that the images aroused them, while
most women denied they were aroused, or, in many cases, even claimed they did not
recall the images. (Ladies, the brain activity says otherwise.)
REAL TALK
What fantasy encounters worked for you?
“I was the boss and he was the assistant. We both wore white shirts and ties, but he was naked
from the waist down while I had on a thong, stockings, and stilettos. I made him get down on his
knees and eat me out. It was hot.”
—Jasmine, 25
—•—
“We took turns being master/mistress and slave. I didn’t want to be the slave but she wouldn’t do it
if I wouldn’t, so I did. I was shocked at how much I liked being told to lick her boots and getting
my ass paddled.”
—John, 40
—•—
“I wore a baby-blue bridesmaid’s dress with a tiara and pretended I was Cinderella and he had to
be the Prince and make me come. Very corny, but fun. My Cinderella was a dirty girl who needed a
lot more than a kiss on the mouth—and she turned out to be a bit of a dom.”
—Rebecca, 31
Keep in mind that your fantasy scenario is probably not one of the fantasies that gets you off in
private. So, don’t try to force or coerce your partner into buying into your scenario. The key is
choosing a fantasy that will arouse both of you.
Keep a few myths and misinformation about fantasy encounters in mind. Remember, these are
not true!
• It’s always good to share your fantasies.
• Fantasizing during lovemaking means you are bored with your partner.
• Acting out a favorite fantasy will always be as hot as you dreamed it would be.
• Fantasizing about another partner is cheating.
• If you fantasize it, you want to do it, whether that’s rape, a homosexual encounter, group sex—
whatever.
“So much of sex is in the head that we can ruin a good experience
by letting negative thoughts intrude before we’re fully aroused.
Try thinking, YES instead of NO, I WANT, not I’M NOT
IN THE MOOD–and your body will follow your mind.”
Religious prohibitions aside, some women don’t masturbate because they don’t feel right about taking
erotic matters into their own hands. That attitude is all wrapped up in the concept of waiting for the
Prince to make them come. In generations past, women often didn’t masturbate (except for the rare,
furtive self-encounter) until their forties or fifties when, driven by either lack of a partner or one with
erectile dysfunction and their subsequent racing hormones, they bought their first vibe. Now vibrators
sell briskly to younger women as well as older ones.
Before starting this chapter, let’s get a few myths and misinformation out of the way.
An Orgasm a Day
I believe every woman should have an orgasm a day. Every woman! Every day! Single, married,
satisfied, or dissatisfied. And she should own a wardrobe of vibrators—“sex life accessories,” as we
call them at Cherrybomb.
Explore your hot spots and discover how they react to varying stimuli during masturbation, and then
take that knowledge into lovemaking.
The C-Spot
Nearly all women know that their clitoris (or C-spot) is that little pink glans (or head) inside the hood
at the top of the vagina where the labia (vaginal lips) come together. It is sometimes compared to the
penis because of its shaft-like shape. For the majority of women, the clitoris and the surrounding
tissue is the most sexually sensitive part of the body. The nerve endings of the clitoris actually run
deeper into the genitals than you might guess—making this the hottest of hot spots.
The G-Spot
The G-spot is that spongy mass of rough tissue located in the front wall of the vagina halfway
between the pubic bone and the cervix and below the opening of the urethra. (Because you feel it
through the vagina, the G-spot has been erroneously defined as being inside it.) It was named after the
German physician Ernst Grafenberg, who “discovered” it in the 1940s, though this place was familiar
territory to the Indian author of the Kama Sutra five thousand years earlier.
Can’t find it? Place your hand, palm down, at the entrance of your vagina. Insert two fingers and make
the “come hither” gesture. Nothing? Try squatting. Some women find it easier to locate their G-spot in
that position.
Nothing yet? Try using a vibrator, either a special G-spot vibe or an attachment to one you have. That
is the simplest and best way to discover the G-spot.
AFE zone stands for anterior fornix erotic zone. A sexologist in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia,
rediscovered this area and named it in 1994. But, again, the Kama Sutra got there first.
The U-Spot
We typically don’t think of the urethra as a sexy place. But the tiny area of tissue above the opening of
the urethra (and right below the clitoris) is a separate pleasure point. Many women stimulate their U-
spots during masturbation without being aware that they are doing so. Men typically discover it by
accident while looking for the clitoris.
If you’ve ever thought, “That’s not the place, but wait a minute, it feels good,” he’s hit your U-spot
with his finger or tongue. And it’s a good place for him to shift his attention between orgasms if your
clitoris is too sensitive to the touch for a few moments. Try that after your first orgasm while
masturbating.
Individual Hot Spots
Some women have very sensitive breasts, particularly the nipples. Other potential hot spots include
the inner thighs, behind the knees, the hollow of the throat, and the back of the neck. After an orgasm,
run your fingers along these places and others, and see what makes you shiver.
His hot spots are discussed in Chapter 4, along with directions for connecting the spots.
TIP
—•—
Play her hot spots like a musical instrument. While you are licking her C-spot, also
stroke her G. Then move your tongue back and forth between C and U. Now stroke from
the G to the AFE and back. Hot Spot Sequencing will drive her wild!
Why Vibrators?
Why do we like to play with vibrators? They’re fun! It’s all about pleasure—and pleasure is a good
thing, not only for selfish reasons. You’re undoubtedly a nicer person when you’re sexually satisfied.
If you need an excuse, I just gave you a good one.
Most vibrators are designed to stimulate the clitoris and are used externally. Some go inside, like
dildos. Standard models get the job done, and quickly if you like. This is the vibe to use when you
just need that O and don’t have time for sensual or fantasy play. But you can also play as long as you
want with them. Other models have more features.
If you are new to vibrators, here’s a breakdown, including brand names of some of the best toys.
Eroscillator 2
The only sex toy endorsed by the legendary Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the Eroscillator resembles an
electric toothbrush in size and shape. It oscillates rather than vibrates, so the motion is gentler against
the clitoris, but still effective.
REAL TALK
How do you masturbate?
“The first time I masturbated I was fourteen. I’d been playing with the handheld shower nozzle,
running water against my clit, though I didn’t know what my clit was at the time. I got out of the
shower and suddenly found myself straddling a bath towel, rubbing it between my legs. That’s how
I had my first orgasm. And I’m embarrassed to say that I still like doing it with towels.”
—Kim, 44
—•—
“I start with my fingers and then move to a vibe. I like the feel of slick skin beneath my fingertips
when I’m playing, but when I’m ready to get serious about orgasm, I like a vibe.”
—Joan, 56
—•—
“I rub myself through my panties. The silk is delicious when it gets wet.”
—Audrey, 22
—•—
“Well, sometimes I turn it into a big production, candles and music and the whole bit. But mostly I
just grab one of my vibes and do it”
—Lisa, 29
—Alvy Singer (played by Woody Allen) in the classic film Annie Hall
Pocket Rocket
Tiny but powerful, this one stows in a small handbag and gets the job done anywhere, anytime. You
can change the texture of the vibe and the feeling of the vibrations by adding a jelly sleeve. Water
Dancer is the waterproof version; it’s great for combining the morning shower with the morning
orgasm.
Fukuoku 9000
The top-of-the-line finger vibe, Fukuoku is a great couple’s toy. Finger vibes wrap around your finger
or fit over it and are perfect for clitoral stimulation during intercourse. Finger Fun is a slightly larger,
waterproof version.
The Butterfly
A strap-on vibrator, the Butterfly stimulates her clitoris during intercourse while giving him
pleasurable sensations, too. The Sweetheart and many other vibes, some remote-controlled, work the
same way.
G Swirl
Designed to hit the G-spot, this one and others like it are limited-use vibes. If G-spot orgasms are
your thing, this is your toy. (You can also buy G-spot attachments for other vibes, including the
Hitachi Magic Wand.)
The Rabbit!
(Exclamation point mine!) Ah, the Rabbit, with its multiple joys, is the choice when you have the time
and inclination to indulge yourself. Insert the vibrating shaft so it hits your G-spot and let the ears of
the rabbit riding the shaft tickle your clitoris, as a vibrating band of pearls around the base stimulates
your vaginal opening. Some rabbits come without the pearls.
Laya Spot
One of the many new contour vibes, the Laya Spot is both chic and ergonomically correct. Designed
to fit the curves of a woman’s body, it is versatile and discreet.
Talking Head
This Rabbit talks! The early version comes with computer chips—“lovers” like the French man and
the girl who say what you want to hear. The latest version has an MP3 download, and you can
program it with anything. On the horizon: an alliance with Clone-a-Willy that will produce a Talking
Head shaped just like your guy and speaking in his voice.
OhMiBod
This is a slim wand that connects to your iPod and automatically vibrates to the rhythym and intensity
of the music.
Mutual Masturbation
When couples masturbate together, they are usually in a playful, versus deeply passionate, mood. The
drive to connect isn’t so deep at the moment. What you want is a little fun and relaxation. Sharing
masturbation feels intimate yet nondemanding. Watching your partner masturbate while you do can
also be a hot experience.
How can you make it even better? Don’t neglect the learning aspects of mutual masturbation. When
will you have a better opportunity to figure out exactly how your partner comes?
If you are trying mutual masturbation for the first time, create a seduction scene exactly as you would
do for “having sex.” Dim the lights or light some candles. Arrange piles of pillows both for comfort
and in good positions for the other’s viewing pleasure. And don’t strip naked if you’re feeling a little
shy. An open shirt worn alone or thigh-highs, heels, and a bustier are often sexier than nudity. Relax.
Play some music. Flirt your way into it.
TIP
—•—
Add sex toys. This is a great opportunity to show him how you use your vibrator. Vary
the types of vibes and the way you use them. And give him a toy too. He can wear a
vibrating cock ring or hold a vibe against the back of his hand as he masturbates.
REAL TALK
“I asked my woman to masturbate for me. She said she would be too embarrassed. I kept asking.
One day I said, ‘Look, I’ll go first.’ She really got into what I was doing and started masturbating
herself. It was one of our hottest experiences together.”
—Carlos, 42
—•—
“I love to watch a woman work her pussy. You see the colors change and the moisture form. It’s a
sensual experience. And when I can do my thing and she likes watching me come—that’s bomb.”
—Andre, 39
—•—
You don’t have to tell most guys it’s okay to masturbate. Unless they adhere to strict religious
prohibitions, they aren’t conflicted about giving self-pleasure, as many women still are.
But what if he is masturbating in front of the computer screen while she sleeps alone in their bed: Is
something wrong with the relationship? Not necessarily. Let’s not be so quick to judge.
“I am going to my room to masturbate before a light lunch if you would like to come and watch.”
REAL TALK
Why do you masturbate?
“Sex with my first wife took so long that I would sneak into the bathroom to masturbate rather than
initiate sex with her. I saved sex for the weekends when I could afford to spend an hour getting her
off. After we were divorced and I was with other women, I figured out the problem: A lot of
women don’t know how to have an orgasm. I learned how to give an orgasm after I was 35. My
second wife is very responsive. She can come in a quickie. There are more options with her.”
—Steve, 49
—•—
“I watch porn at the end of the day, jerk off, and go crawl into bed. Cyberporn and hookups—that’s
my ‘love life’. I don’t date. I don’t have time for a relationship. Porn is ubiquitous, but it’s the
symptom, not the problem. There’s no time to establish the kind of relationship with a woman that
might lead to great sex. So there’s porn on your computer.”
—Brad, 28
—•—
“Masturbation saved my marriage. In my twenties, I wanted sex twice a day, morning and night,
and more on the weekends if I could get it. My wife was good with four or five times a week”
—John, 30
Edge Play
Continuously stimulate your penis to the point of impending ejaculation. Then, stop. Yes, this takes
some determination, but you can do it. Once your arousal level has subsided somewhat, stimulate
continuously again to the point of impending ejaculation. Again, stop. Repeat as often as possible.
Once you’ve learned how to prolong arousal during masturbation, you can transfer the skill to
lovemaking.
Trojan now makes condoms with vibrating cock rings attached. Other manufacturers produce
disposable vibrating cock rings. They don’t have the power of the bigger toys, but they are more than
a novelty. Chic women now carry them in their handbags … just in case.
“We know that 80 percent of women masturbate and 90 percent of men do—and the rest lie.”
The H-Spot
The head of the penis is the man’s big hot spot, just as the clitoris is hers. Who doesn’t know that?
Because the head is such a hot deal, the corona, the thick ridge separating the head from the shaft, is
often ignored. But it is exquisitely sensitive to touch. Run your finger repeatedly around it. Doesn’t
that feel good? This is why the “silken swirl”—when she swirls her tongue around your corona
during fellatio—feels so good.
That move, by the way, was a skill practiced by Italian courtesans in centuries past.
The F-Spot
The frenulum is that loose section of skin on the underside of the penis, where the head meets the
shaft. In most men it is highly sensitive to touch. Some men reach orgasm more quickly if a woman
strums the frenulum during fellatio. If this area feels particularly sensitive to you, ask your lover to do
that.
The R-Area
The raphe is the visible line along the center of the scrotum, an area of the male anatomy too often
overlooked during lovemaking. The skin of the scrotum is very sensitive, similar to a woman’s labia.
Gently run your fingertips along the raphe and see what that does for you.
The P-Zone
The perineum is an area an inch or so in size between the anus and the base of the scrotum, and it is
even more neglected than the raphe. Rich in nerve endings, the perineum is the second-most important
hot spot for some men. Use your thumb or finger pad to stimulate it. Start gently and exert a little more
pressure if you like it.
The G-Spot
Yes, men have one, too. It’s located inside the body behind the perineum. (I sense some of you getting
nervous.) You can reach the G-spot in two ways: by pressing the perineum with your thumb or finger
or by inserting a finger inside your anus and making that same come-hither gesture you would use to
find her G-spot.
Many men love G-spot stimulation. Some hate it. You’ll know where you stand by trying to find it
first on your own.
Make whatever adjustments you need to make during intercourse to ensure that you hit hot spot
connections between her clitoris, AFE, and G-spot and his H-spot, F-spot, and R-area.
Here are some suggestions (the last two may require a little practice):
• In the missionary position, put her feet on his shoulders or pull her knees up to her chest and
place her feet flat against his chest. Or have him hold her legs with his forearms under the knees.
• In the female superior position, she should either lean back or forward, which is more effective
at hitting the hot spots than riding straight up and down.
• When using the spoon position, she lies on her side with her back to him, bent slightly at the
knees and waist. Also bent slightly at the knees and waist, he enters her from behind.
• Try the X Position, which is adapted from the Kama Sutra position called “Woman Acting the
Part of Man.” Imagine that your bodies form an X, with the connection at the genitals. He sits at
the edge of the bed with his back straight and one leg outstretched along the bed, the other
outstretched toward the floor, or if he prefers, braced up on a straight-backed chair placed by the
bed. She sits astride her partner with both legs braced on his shoulders.
• Try the Yabyum Position. See Chapter 13 for directions.
Chapter 5 Foreplay: Kissing and Stroking
You must first seduce your lover’s mind. Seduction, in fact, is largely a mind game. People who play
it well know how to make us feel interesting and desirable. They know how to make eye contact—
and when to drop the gaze. Look into those eyes and you see the promise of erotic fulfillment.
Whether you just met the person or have been married to them for twenty years, their eyes convey
something else along with passionate interest: a strong sense of their inviolate self. A truly seductive
person is the man or woman you cannot own. He or she will share him- or herself with you, but not
give it away. Now that is sexy.
Be sure to keep the following myths and misinformation about foreplay in mind (these are not
true):
• Established couples don’t need seduction.
• Men don’t need foreplay.
• Women always need a lot of foreplay.
• A French kiss is full-on tongue.
• Kissing isn’t that important after you’ve been together a while.
Other times a little to a lot more foreplay is required. And on special occasions, seduction and
foreplay are prolonged, turned into erotic events that could almost stand on their own if you didn’t
want that orgasm so badly.
A high state of arousal usually leads to a more powerful orgasm, so take your foreplay out of the
ordinary.
Eye contact is an important key
to seduction. Look into your
partner’s eyes and see the
promise of erotic fulfillment.
Teasing
Teasing is seductive. It can be visual or verbal. Teasing plays with the mind, triggering fantasies,
making promises you may or may not keep.
Capitalize on that by “invitational dressing” when you go out. (If you look like Britney Spears in
those panty-less Internet photos, you’ve invited too many people to the party.) Some things always
work: her high heels, cleavage, and the glimpse of firm nipples beneath a silk shirt; his well-tailored
suit, dress shirt open, tie cast aside for the evening. Some things work only for you. Figure out what
they are.
Learn how to walk. He strides smoothly and purposefully. She has a loose, undulating walk straight
from the pelvis. Here’s how to get that—and tickle that Kundalini energy.
• The Pelvic Bounce: Lie on a bed or the floor on your back with your palms on either side of
your buttocks, knees bent. Lift your pelvis slightly and let it down, bouncing your lower back
gently as you inhale sharply.
• The Pelvic Thrust: Stand with your hands on your hips. Move your pelvic area in a circular
motion to the right, then to the left. Exhale as you thrust your pelvis forward in motion. Inhale on
the backward pull.
Voice is important. Pitch your voice lower. Listen to how you sound on tape. If you have a nasal
whine or some other devastating accent issue, try fixing it.
Watch those sweet nothings and double entendres. They can sound shallow, foolish, or girlish/boyish.
Verbal seduction is all about sounding desirable.
Start kissing somewhere else and work your way up to her mouth. Nuzzle her neck, lick her ears, kiss
her throat.
If you are naked in bed, kiss the backs of her knees. Lick her nipples. Alternate the rough side of your
tongue (top) with the smooth side (bottom) for different sensations. (All this works on men, too.)
Or if you are fully clothed, kiss the back of her hand. Turn it over. Kiss her palm. Then let your lips
rest on her wrist until you feel her pulse beating in your lips.
Take her (or his) face in your hands. Brush your lips across hers lightly. Pull back. Put your lips on
hers and press gently as you look into her eyes.
Explore one lip at a time with light, playful, teasing kisses. Gently suck each lip. Run the tip of your
tongue around its edges, inside and out.
Now French kiss. With the tip of your tongue, play with her tongue, the inside of her lips, the edges of
her teeth. Kiss her passionately, but don’t assault her mouth with your tongue.
REAL TALK
How important is a good kiss?
“A flabby kisser puts his lips on yours as if he were a piece of meat and you were a black eye. I
can’t get past a flabby kiss. If that’s what a man’s got, he can’t get me.”
—Claire, 40
—•—
“A good kisser is rare. Most men go in with the tongue right away—and too much of the tongue!
But you can teach them how to kiss. I’ve taught every man I’ve been with how to kiss. I just take
their face in my hands and say, ‘Here’s how I like it’, and I show them.”
—Monica, 33
—•—
“The kiss is the deal maker or breaker. Men need to realize that. I take my time when I kiss a
woman. She wants a sensual mouth experience, and I’m into that. But there is something women
need to realize, too. If a man doesn’t like to kiss you, he’s not that into you. He just wants some
pussy.”
—Rob, 29
Remember that your partner’s
mouth is an erotic organ in itself.
Kissing is important to men, but
essential to women.
Touching and Stroking
What is the first physical connection you have with a lover? You touch one another’s hands or arms
during conversation. Maybe she straightens his tie. He brushes the hair back off her face. If the hands
feel right on the other’s flesh, the touches escalate. But if they don’t, it all ends there.
Touch is a key element of lovemaking, yet few of us work on our hand skills once we get past the
point of having our touch accepted by the new lover.
First, get the touch right. When you are holding your lover and caressing her (or him), touch her the
way she likes to be touched. Most people respond to light caresses, with the pressure escalating as
the excitement builds. Don’t go straight for breasts or genitals. Stroke her collarbone. Rub his chest.
Fondle thighs and buttocks. When you are naked, add some unexpected touches, such as the following:
• Using the pads of your fingers to play lightly over your lover’s body
• “Scent kissing,” or inhaling the scent of his or her body in places like the nape of the neck,
breasts, and inner thighs
• Using feathers, silk, rose petals, or other materials to stroke or tease nipples and genitals
• Caressing his penis between your breasts
“Look the other way! It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, I don’t want her looking down
there with that ‘poor, little shriveled thing’ look on her face. No pity, please!”
—Ron, 43
—•—
“I never lost my erection until I got into this serious relationship. Before that, I guess I wasn’t with
a woman long enough for it to go south. So now it happens once in a while. She takes care of it
with her hands and mouth. That’s cool with me. I like what she does. She can always learn to do
more, of course.”
—David, 37
—•—
“I lost it once when I was 21—with a 40-year-old woman. She was so hot and I’d wanted her
since I was a teenager. She took me firmly in hand, did some fancy stuff with her lips—and I was
hard. It’s happened a few times since then with other women. Mostly women give head, but get
discouraged if it doesn’t respond immediately. I would prefer they just let me take care of things by
going down on her and masturbating myself at the same time.”
—Gary, 35
1. Hold his penis firmly in one hand. Take it into your mouth, moving the top third of the shaft in
and out. Use the fingers of your other hand to stroke his perineum in a light, tickling fashion. If
he responds to gentle scratching, do that instead.
2. When he becomes erect, use one hand to do a circular twisting motion up the shaft. Then start at
the bottom again, as if you were following a winding staircase going up only.
3. At the same time you’re twisting up, swirl your tongue around the corona (the ridge separating
the head from the shaft). Alternate the swirl with the butterfly flick—flicking your tongue
rapidly across the corona.
4. Continue the hand move while taking his testicles into your mouth, one at a time, and sucking
lightly. Flick your tongue rapidly across his perineum.
5. Go back to the head of his penis and alternate swirling, flicking, and sucking. Remember: Don’t
take his penis too far into your mouth when you suck or you won’t be able to pull off the suction.
The secrets to the success of this move are combining mouth and firm hand moves while not
overlooking his testicles and especially his perineum.
First, straddle him. Grasp the base of his penis firmly in one hand, as if you were going to give him a
hand job. Use the head of his penis to stroke your vulva and clitoris. When you are ready, lower
yourself onto his penis without letting go of the base.
Grasp the first third of his penis with your strong PC muscle. Simulate thrusting with that muscle.
(This alone may revive his erection.)
Lean forward, supporting yourself on one hand resting beside his body. (Your other hand still has his
penis. Don’t let go of it.) Work his penis up and down with your hand and PC muscle. Alternate that
with what I call the “thrusting of the head” stroke: Use the head of his penis against your clitoris.
Whether he comes along for the ride or not, you will have an orgasm.
The late renowned erotic writer Marco Vassi once told me in the space of a commercial break on a
talk radio show where we were improbably booked together that “running hot and cold” was a “mild
form of kinky sex.” Marco, who was beyond kinky and was on intimate terms with every bodily
secretion, and I, whom he laughingly called the P.T.A. Mom of Sex, had almost no common ground
except that we both liked to play with heat and ice. This is a technique that belongs in your erotic
trick bag, too.
It’s a great little pick-him-upper as well as just plain fun on a quiet night. And he can do it to you, too.
While performing fellatio (see Chapter 6), vary the temperature of your mouth. Start with normal
body temperature. Then, using your hand to stimulate his penis, fill your mouth with ice cubes. Wait
until your tongue is numb before spitting out the ice. Apply your frozen assets to his penis. This feels
like a jolt of sexual electricity.
After a few minutes, when you oral temperature is back to normal, repeat the procedure, this time
filling your mouth with a hot liquid.
This method of alternating temperatures restores erections in many men and prolongs arousal in some.
Others say they have more intense orgasms after playing with heat and ice.
Marco’s novels are largely out of print, but you should look for them anyway. They are awesome in
their raw power.
REAL TALK
Have you ever experienced female ejaculation?
“The hottest sex experience of my life involved female ejaculation. I’d been trying to get this
woman into bed for a while. Close, but not happening. Then one night she came over, we had some
wine, we started fooling around on the couch. I don’t know if I found her G-spot or what, but she
came and she squirted. She said that only happened when she was really turned on and the guy hit
all the buttons right. I’ve never seen it before or since. Man, that was hot.”
—Dave, 48
—•—
“Yeah. I thought she peed on me. I’m still not sure she didn’t.”
—Chris, 37
—•—
“Sometimes I do ejaculate. It happens with a blended orgasm, G-spot and clitoral. It happens when
I am so hot for the guy I feel like I’m going to explode. And it is not pee. You can smell and taste
the difference in that juice shooting out of you and pure pee.”
—Andrea, 29
—•—
“If a woman is a squirter, that’s a problem for me. I don’t like the squirter.”
—Alex, 35
—•—
“I bought a video on how to female ejaculate—and my girlfriend hit me over the head with it.
Literally. She won’t even try.”
—Nigel, 40
Female ejaculation isn’t exactly a technique. Many Western sex experts dismiss the “ejaculate” as a
myth—or a gush of fluid composed of urine and copious vaginal secretions. There is no question that
whatever this fluid is that some women ejaculate, or squirt, upon orgasm, it is not the female
equivalent of seminal fluid.
No, women do not ejaculate in the way that men do; however, something does happen for many
women, though no one has answered definitively what. The ancients also pondered female
ejaculation. Hippocrates set forth a “two semen” theory that, wrong as it was, has some basis in
medical fact.
Men ejaculate sperm from the testicles via tubes that go through the prostate gland, where the sperm
mixes with seminal fluid. Women, of course, do not have a prostate gland. But in some women there
is a collection of several masses of tissue strung out along the urinary tract, referred to as the skeen
gland. Medical researcher Josephine Lowndes Sevely wrote that in some women this gland produces
a fluid that is neither urine nor vaginal secretions.
That seems to be the most likely explanation of female ejaculation, or squirting, to me.
TIP
—•—
If you want to try for female ejaculation, here are a few secrets. Intercourse positions
most favorable for female ejaculation are rear entry and missionary with her legs in the
air, his hands supporting her thighs as he thrusts. She should stimulate her clitoris as she
angles her body to get the full G-spot effect. When the spot swells and feels more
textured, she is ready. Hit the G-spot fast and hard. (If you’re using hands rather than
having intercourse, use an off/on stimulation pattern—again, fast and hard.) When she
feels the desire to urinate, she should push hard instead of holding back.
Chapter 6 Oral Sex
Oral sex (like the hand job) is both foreplay and a sex act unto itself if you continue until your lover
has an orgasm. Men often bring women to orgasm via cunnilingus before moving on to intercourse.
Sometimes women opt to fellate a man to orgasm instead of intercourse. And fellatio is the fallback
position when a man loses his erection. Given the popularity of oral sex, it’s hard to believe that back
in the 1940s and 50s, when Alfred Kinsey was conducting his groundbreaking research on sexual
behavior, that only half of the men surveyed had ever had fellatio and far less woman had experienced
the joys of cunnilingus.
You are lucky to be living in the twenty-first century, so perfect your orals.
Cunnilingus
Step #1: After you have kissed, stroked, and fondled the rest of her body to the point where she is
very aroused, get into a position comfortable for both of you. She may lean against pillows either
with her legs open, knees bent and feet flat, or with her legs outstretched and open, forming a V. You
can lie or kneel between her legs or come in from the side and wrap her leg around your shoulders.
Or she can straddle your face and lower her clitoris to your mouth.
Step #2: Gently part her labia. Holding her lips open, lift the clitoral hood. If her clitoris is well
back inside the hood—an “innie”—gently run your fingers along the side of the hood to expose the
clitoris. (You may have to keep one hand in this position.)
Step #3: Lick the delicate tissue along the sides and above and below her clitoris in long, broad,
gentle strokes of the tongue.
Step #4: Experiment with your tongue strokes, paying close attention to her responses. She will let
you know how much pressure she wants.
Step #5: Put your lips around the sides of her clitoris. Hold them in a pursed position as you gently
suck. Alternate the sucking with licking of the surrounding tissues.
Step #6: If she likes direct stimulation of the clitoris—some women do, some don’t—lick and suck
it.
Step #7: Cover the clitoral shaft area with your mouth. Suck gently around the sides of her clitoris.
Stimulate her labia with your hand or stroke her inner thighs, tease her nipples, or alternate manual
stimulation.
Don’t move your mouth from her clitoris now if she wants to reach orgasm.
After you have kissed,
stroked, and fondled the rest
of her body, get into a position
comfortable for both of you.
Kneel before her as she sits in a chair or on the side of the bed. Knead her buttocks softly as you bury
your face in her vulva. Inhale deeply, and sigh happily. You are her willing oral servant now.
Begin licking from her knees up to her inner thighs. Manually stimulate her labia, vulva, vagina, and
finally her clitoris while you give her thighs little sucking kisses. By the time your mouth surrounds
her clitoris, she will have melted into you, inhibitions shed.
“I’ll never forget the first time I ushered a woman into orgasm with my tongue. It was a watershed
moment ... both exhilarating and liberating.”
—Ian Kerner, Ph.D., She Comes First
REAL TALK
What was your bests oral sex experience?
“I had my first orgasm with a man through cunnilingus. I was 23, had been sexually active for six
years, faking my way through intercourse orgasms and getting off by masturbation. The guy was
older and married, and he took me to the Coral Court, a hotel in St. Louis that specialized in hourly
rentals. He started licking me and I thought, ‘Omigod, I’ve never felt anything like this.’ I was
grasping that cheap bedspread in my hands and screaming while he did what he did to me. It was
amazing.”
—Patricia, 50
—•—
“This really hot girl who was engaged to a fraternity brother blew me in the john at a party. She
was the best I’d had at that point and I came in her mouth. Watching her lick my come from her lips
made me feel like that guy in the movie Titanic—King of the World!”
—Jeff, 41
—•—
“The first time my wife ever let me come in her mouth was amazing. She kept telling me that
‘sisters’ don’t do that. This beautiful white woman moved in next door and I teased her that I would
take my business to the neighbor. Motivated by jealousy, my woman gave me one damned fine blow
job! Now she knows that she can get anything from me with a blow job, so she’s willing.”
—Jerome, 32
—•—
“I was so into this guy that I came while blowing him. Now that was special!”
—Jenna, 42
If she’s shy about cunnilingus,
she may need to feel she’s
the one in control.
Giving a Great Blow Job
Step #1: Kiss and lick his inner thighs while pulling down ever so slightly on his scrotum. With your
finger pads, scratch his testicles. Put his balls carefully into your mouth one at a time. Roll them
around. Then, again, ever so gently, pull them down with your mouth.
Step #2: While you’re attending to his balls, run you fingers lovingly up and down the shaft of his
penis.
Step #3: Get into a comfortable position, kneeling at his side on the bed between his legs. Or, you
can bring him down to the edge of the bed and kneel on the floor. Wet your lips and make sure that
they cover your teeth. Run your tongue around the head of his penis to moisten it.
Step #4: Hold the base of his penis firmly in one hand. With the other hand, you can form a circle
with your thumb and forefinger—what sex expert Lou Paget calls the “ring and the seal”—to elongate
your mouth and prevent him from going in farther than you would like. Use that hand in a twisting
motion as you fellate him. Or, if his erection is not firm, you can use both hands (wrapped around the
shaft) in an upward twist stroke.
Step #5: Circle the head with your tongue in a swirling motion, and then work your tongue in long
strokes up and down his shaft. Now, back to the head.
Step #6: Follow the ridge of the corona with your tongue while working the shaft with your hands,
the penis sandwiched between them.
Step #7: Strum the frenulum with your tongue. Lick the raphe. (For more about these areas, see
Chapter 4.)
Step #8: Make eye contact with him from time to time.
Step #9: Do at least 10 to 20 seconds of this showy move: Repeatedly pull his penis into your mouth,
then push it out, using suction while keeping the tongue in motion.
Step #10: Go back to the head. Swirl your tongue around it. Suck the head. Swirl. Suck. Repeat.
Repeat.
Step #11: Follow his lead if he pulls back from stimulation. He’s telling you that he’s going to reach
orgasm if you don’t stop.
Swallowing
If you don’t stop, you have two options: Swallow or let his semen dribble out of your mouth.
Swallowing is not really difficult—and he will love you for it. A man feels totally accepted and
loved by a woman who swallows his semen.
Position yourself so that his ejaculate will shoot straight down your throat. An easy way of doing this
is to lie on your back with your head off the bed. Your mouth and throat will form a smooth line. Have
him straddle your face for the elegant finish to the perfect blow job.
This is one place where even women who prefer a large penis can see some advantage in a small
one. You can easily deep throat the small penis. Your gag reflex is less likely to kick in. And who
doesn’t feel like an oral genius when she pulls that off?
If your lover is well endowed, however, just concentrate on the top third of his penis. Supplement that
with manual attention to the rest of the shaft, his testicles, and his perineum. Occasionally, adjust your
position to allow you to take in all or most of his length.
Foreplay is where you put the “play” back in sex. This chapter gives you some suggestions for doing
that in a fun way through seduction games. Think how many ways you knew how to play when you
were a kid. Games came naturally to you then—before you were serious about bills, chores, and
relationships. Now you can learn how to play again.
Public Foreplay
You’ve seen that couple who can’t keep their hands off each other in a restaurant, at a party, anywhere
in public. Maybe you’ve been that couple. Pick a dark booth in your neighborhood bar. Kick off your
shoe and play with his leg—all the way up his leg. Sit on his lap on a park bench and make out. Kiss
and fondle one another on the beach at night.
TIP
—•—
Do what you did before sex became routine. Hold your hand on the small of her back and
lightly press your finger pads against her. Rest your hand on his thigh with your thumb
inside his leg and pointing toward his genitals. Nuzzle her neck. Put your hand flat on his
chest as you’re talking to him. Re-capture the feeling.
REAL TALK
What kind of foreplay games do you play?
“I know this sounds really silly but we chase each other around the apartment. The one who wants
sex chases; the one who is less into it runs away. All that running around gets the blood pumping.
Plus, whoever gets caught has to take off an item of clothing.”
—Ben, 23
—•—
“We tease each other a lot, especially when one of us is horny. We drop double entendres. Making
dinner together, we bump into each other a lot. And we play ‘grab ass,’ which is something I
remember my parents did when I was a little kid.”
—Melanie, 34
—•—
“She’s the one who is good at games. When she wants to seduce me, she dresses the part and struts
like a catwalk model while keeping her face impassive.”
—Kevin, 46
—•—
—Cal, 29
Car Sex
Now what is more redolent of American youth than sex in a car?
You don’t have to park on a lover’s lane. The driveway or garage will do. There’s nothing like the
feel of a gearshift in your back—or the sight of her bare feet against the window.
Part of the thrill is in the limited range of motion. The car is a great place to give head, have sex in
the sitting position, or wrap her legs around his neck. The space is tight—and that feels illicit.
Outercourse
Remember when you were a teenager and you made out on the family room floor while your parents
were sleeping upstairs? You kept your clothes on—the better for a quick recovery if your parents
came in. And it was really hot. Take it all the way to dry humping. It’s thrilling to have an orgasm
with your clothes on.
Striptease
Do you undress in the bathroom? Or with the lights off? Or just hurriedly get out of your clothes,
barely looking at one another as you strip for sleep?
Put the drama back into undressing, especially if you’re dressed up. Take off your skirt first and walk
around in heels and stockings before taking off your blouse.
And remember tripping works both ways. Let her take in your bare chest and broad shoulders. When
you step out of your pants, look her straight in the eye.
“Sex should be fun. It should be play. What it should not be is ‘work.’ The concept of working on
the sex is very Puritan.”
Clear off the desk, take off your coat, and enjoy.
TIP
—•—
Use the Master/Mistress and Slave game to explore hidden facets of your sexual
personality. Role-playing allows you to play submissive or dominant in a relationship
that is most likely based on erotic egalitarianism. But you must take turns being the dom
and the sub. Keep it light. For example, tell your slave that she must submit to an erotic
spanking or that he must kneel before you and give you oral pleasure until you orgasm.
Script your roles. He can be the pirate ravishing the captured beauty. Or she can be the
secret agent using her wiles to get an informant to talk.
… but not always. If she feels silly doing them, they won’t work. And if he feels like the little
games are part of some grand entrapment plan, they won’t work either. Do these only if you can
carry them off in the spirit of fun.
• Send naughty text messages to one another.
• When you dress to leave, “forget” your panties or briefs.
• Apply an erotic temporary tattoo to your body—and make him or her find it.
• Eat off one another’s naked bodies.
• Find sexy adult games online and play them.
• Play Strip Anything. (It doesn’t have to be poker.)
• Assign some sex acts as “rewards” or “punishments” for losing at tennis, being late for a
dinner date, or whatever.
Chapter 8 About Her Orgasms
And you are so ready to come now, aren’t you? So ready that you are impatient for the instant
gratification formula? If you have trouble reaching orgasm, you will learn how to get there more
reliably and in less time by reading this chapter. If you want stronger, longer orgasms, you can get
those, too, if you really want them.
But the one perfect “instant gratification,” one-size-fits-all formula does continue to elude science
and sex advisors. There are a lot of theories—many conflicting—about orgasm, mostly female
orgasm. Partly that is because no one set of instructions on how to reach orgasm fits all women (or
men) all the time, throughout their lives. Sexual response varies so much from one person or situation
to another that no “answer” applies universally.
That said, you will find something here that does it for you. Try on theories and play around with
techniques until you find the right combination for you. One thing I can say definitively: The female
orgasm is not elusive. It’s right beneath your fingertips.
“Orgasms are electrifying and mysterious. Why do orgasms feel so good? What inhibits them? Do
men and women’s orgasms differ? How many kinds are there? Does aging affect orgasm?”
TIP
—•—
Beyond the clitoris and the G-spot, the “new” orgasm trigger may be your cervix—the
opening of your uterus. Studies have shown that up to half of women may reach orgasm
through repeated thrusting against the cervix. The catch? Unless a man is exceptionally
well endowed or the couple is in the right position, his penis isn’t likely to touch her
cervix during intercourse. The best position for cervical stimulation is this: She lies on
her back with her legs drawn up. This shortens her vaginal canal—giving his penis a
better chance of making contact.
Why Orgasm?
Biologically speaking, the answer is simple for his orgasm: procreation. He has an orgasm and
ejaculates, sending his sperm out to meet their fate.
But she doesn’t need an orgasm to fertilize her eggs—so why (in the biological sense) does she have
them at all?
Until very recently, the prevailing theory was that female orgasm did somehow offer an evolutionary
advantage. Scientists assumed a link between orgasm and reproductive success, positing, for
example, that orgasm aided fertilization by helping draw sperm up through the cervix and into the
uterus. A dissenting opinion was first expressed by anthropologist Donald Symons in 1979. He
concluded that female orgasm was simply a by-product of male orgasm (because both sexes develop
from a common embryo plan). In other words, orgasm is only possible in women because it’s
necessary in men. Scientists didn’t like that. Nor did feminists. (And get used to it: Theories about
female orgasm are always put through a politically correct filter.)
Elizabeth Lloyd’s 2006 book The Case of the Female Orgasm is an erudite and enlightened argument
against all the adaptive biology theories. Yes, female orgasm is a by-product, she says, and not
necessary to the procreation of the species. But the clitoris and sexual pleasure do serve an
evolutionary purpose: They encourage women to have sex and thus get pregnant.
REAL TALK
Describe the best orgasm you’ve ever had.
“Colors! Red and pink and coral. I saw colors and flashing lights. My body was rocking and
rolling like it always does, but for some reason, on that particular night, I saw colors, too.”
—Adrienne, 42
—•—
“The first time I came during intercourse was with my husband a few months after the wedding. I
was so hot for him that day. It was that time in my hormonal cycle. He picked me up at work with
the top down. And he had one hand up my skirt all the way home. I was so used to not coming
during intercourse that it shocked the hell out of me. It felt wonderful. All that explosion and him
inside me, too.”
—Monique, 31
—•—
“Oh, I’ve had so many best orgasms! I always think the one I’m having is the best.”
—Sharon, 55
—•—
“The first one. I masturbated myself to orgasm the first time when I was 15. Wow! What a feeling. I
felt myself pulsating and throbbing and I thought—this is amazing.”
—Christa, 24
What Is an Orgasm?
In lay terms, an orgasm is generally defined as an intense, pleasurable response to genital stimulation,
a release of sexual tension marked by a series of genital contractions and the release throughout the
body of natural chemicals that create feelings of euphoria and attachment.
“The female orgasm is one of the last frontiers of sexuality. In general, the average person knows
less about the female orgasm—its causes, frequency, locations—than any other aspect of sex.”
TIP
—•—
There is a type of female orgasm rarely discussed. Betty Dodson in her book Orgasms
for Two defines it as a “pressure orgasm.” The orgasm results from indirect stimulation,
or “pressure.” to the clitoris and surrounding area. Some women get there by squeezing
their legs together as they contract the PC muscle. Others rub back and forth against
something hard like a padded headboard or chair arm. And some straddle a folded bath
towel and work that back and forth between their legs, again while squeezing the PC.
Chemicals released in the brain do the rest of the feel-good work. Endorphins ease pain and elevate
the sense of overall well-being. Oxytocin, a sex chemical, encourages those warm feelings of
affection for her partner in orgasm. (And no big surprise: Women produce more of the “cuddly
chemical” than men do.)
That chemical cocktail is most potent in the early stages of a relationship. It’s called NRE, new
relationship energy. Lasting anywhere from eighteen months to three years, NRE propels us into
commitment, monogamy, and marriage—life choices we may begin to question when the drug wears
off.
Nan Wise, “The Love Coach,” has developed a tool for understanding and managing desire; she calls
it the Desire Curve. We all have a Desire Set Point, the level of sexual craving we naturally feel
whether in a relationship or not. In a new relationship, the level curves up and plateaus, as noted
previously, for up to three years. Wise calls this period New Relationship Euphoria, or NREU. From
this long high, we all go back to the Desire Set Point. (In other words, Hot Monogamy is a lie.) And
some people dip past the set point into Low Desire Syndrome.
Sexually skilled lovers, however, can manage their Desire Curves by creating peaks in the valleys of
their set points. For them, intersecting Desire Curves can rise and fall like waves. Wise calls the
ability to do this Operational Intelligence.
“We can’t really explain how arousal feels, what an orgasm is, and the closer we get to one, the
less value words have, the less we can use language at all.”
Sigmund Freud labeled clitoral orgasms as “immature” and “neurotic.” The adolescent girl, he
explained, experienced clitoral orgasm during masturbation. Once she became sexually active with a
partner, she switched to vaginal, or “mature,” orgasms. The first shrink clearly knew little about
female anatomy.
In 1953, Alfred Kinsey in his landmark study, Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, said that all
female orgasms were achieved by clitoral stimulation, either direct or indirect. His findings were
endorsed a decade later by pioneer sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson, who
isolated the orgasm in the lab and measured and quantified the process. The clitoral orgasm theory
became the prevailing opinion among sex therapists until 1980, when Beverly Whipple and John
Perry claimed their research proved the existence of the G-spot, putting the origin for the female
orgasm back inside the vagina.
There has not been uniform acceptance of the G-spot theory. The late Helen Singer Kaplan, Ph.D., a
pioneer in sex therapy and founder of the nation’s first clinic for sexual disorders, insisted that 75
percent of women do not reach orgasm without some kind of direct clitoral stimulation. Many studies
reported in scientific journals have consistently reported that 60 to 75 percent of women do not reach
orgasm without clitoral stimulation, with less than 10 percent of women reporting in most studies that
they could, in fact, find their G-spots.
What can we learn from all this? Well, Freud was dead wrong. Kinsey and Masters and Johnson did
women a great service in promoting the power of the clitoris. And if you can find your G-spot, enjoy
it. If you can’t, c’est la vie.
A popular theory among sex authorities now is that women can reach orgasm in a variety of ways. Try
them all and see what works for you. But remember: There is no right or wrong way to come.
Vaginal/Cervix
This is the orgasm that every woman seems to want, the product of deep penetration, probably by a
larger than average penis. Positions that favor this type of orgasm include the woman on top and rear
entry. You are more likely to experience vaginal/cervix orgasm if your clitoris lies deep inside its
hood and/or you don’t begin intercourse until you are on the point of orgasm and you use your PC
muscle while he’s thrusting.
Vaginal/G-spot
First, try to reach orgasm with a G-spot vibrator. That will show you where your G-spot is and how
much stimulation it needs for orgasm. During intercourse, get into the woman-on-top position and lean
back. Experiment with different angles until you feel the G-spot responding. (And play with your
clitoris if you aren’t getting what you need from the G-spot.)
Anal
Anal play is highly pleasurable for many women (and men), and some women do reach orgasm this
way. The secrets to satisfaction? Your lover should spend a lot of time relaxing the anus, via licking
and/or inserting well-lubed fingers and gently massaging. Just be sure to use lots of lube! (See more
on anal sex in Chapter 10.)
Extra-genital
Some women can reach orgasm simply by having their breasts or nipples (or inner thighs or other
sensitive areas) stimulated. This is most likely to happen after she has reached already orgasm once
via other routes.
Blended
Some women say that their best orgasms come when two areas are being stimulated simultaneously,
for example, the clitoris and vagina or anus. It’s possible that some orgasms reported as vaginal or
anal are really blended. If you’re stroking your clitoris while you’re coming from another form of
stimulation, it’s a blended orgasm.
According to a joint study conducted by researchers at Sussex University and the Universities of
Sydney and Melbourne, Australia, women who have “higher household income” and a
“managerial/professional occupation” were most likely to reach orgasm in their sexual encounters.
The study concluded that these women were more likely to have male partners who performed
cunnilingus and/or to have female partners. Women who used sex toys were also “significantly
more likely” to orgasm.
What does not affect orgasm potential? The age at which participants became sexually active, the
number of sexual partners they had, and whether they watched Internet sex or X-rated videos.
“There is no one way to experience orgasm. The way you experience that level of sexual
pleasure is as individual as you are. So experiment, keep an open mind, and enjoy your
research.”
Theories about why some women orgasm more easily than others usually come down to these two:
She has a larger than average clitoris or her clitoris is located deeper inside the clitoral hood, making
it more likely that she gets the clitoral stimulation she needs for orgasm during intercourse alone.
From my own extensive interviews of thousands of women over two decades, I believe that location,
location, location is the answer. (However, many women who say they have a large or prominent
clitoris also say they cannot come during intercourse alone.) Think of the clitoris as real estate you
inherited.
REAL TALK
What men say about female orgasm:
“I have to perform oral sex first to make her come or she has to finger herself during intercourse.
That’s okay with me because I can understand how a woman would enjoy, even crave, penetration,
but still need something else to get off. It’s not okay with her. She feels like something is wrong
with her or me or us.”
—Kyle, 29
—•—
“After twenty-one years of marriage, my wife decided to tell me she’d faked most of her orgasms
with me for twenty-one years. Now that might have been funny on the old Seinfeld show, but in real
life it sucked. I was turned off to her. I didn’t have any interest in trying to figure out how to make
her come, though I certainly would have if she’d told me this in our first year or two”
“Women’s orgasms! I know they’re better than mine. I love feeling a woman come in my mouth, my
hand, around my penis. Women’s orgasms are magic. They weave a spell over both of us.”
—Mark, 35
“What definition of ‘normal’ could possibly justify labeling two-thirds of women as ‘abnormal’?”
—Elisabeth Lloyd, The Case of the Female Orgasm, challenging the popular (and
therapeutically
accepted) belief that the failure to achieve orgasm is a female sexual dysfunction
“Do yourself and him a favor, sister: Fake it. If you are happy and generous-minded, you will fake
it and then leap out of bed and make breakfast, squeeze orange juice or pour Champagne, telling
him, You are so clever,’ or however you express enthusiasm.”
—Fay Weldon, controversial British feminist author, What Makes Women Happy
Faking!
The advice to “fake it” may be the common wisdom, but it’s terrible advice. Statistics from women’s
magazine surveys to research conduced by university psychology departments report that women do
fake orgasm, and in consistently high numbers. Would you believe that 85 percent of women have
faked an orgasm at least once in their lives? (And the other 15 percent are either virgins or liars.)
The biggest reason not to fake it is that you’re saying, “Honey, that worked!,” but it didn’t. It won’t
work next time, either. Faking may end the sex, but it isn’t going to make you happy.
I am not encouraging you to criticize his technique or blame him for not pleasing you. Ask for what
you want and need in the moment, not later. Learn how to have an orgasm. And then make sure you do
have them.
TIP
—•—
If you’re going to fake it for whatever reason, don’t go over the top. Women who fake
typically over-emote. (Apparently even this does fool many men, though.) A more
discerning male lover, however, will get suspicious if you shout, scream, gasp, and pant
like a porn actress. Take the performance down a notch or two. And afterward, don’t
leap out of bed or launch into conversation. Authentic orgasm does leave a woman a
little breathless and somewhat speechless for a few or several minutes.
Chapter 9 Orgasm Positions
Let’s not call them “intercourse positions.” I’d rather you think more positively. These are orgasm
positions because you can have an orgasm in any one of them, even if your hot spots don’t connect.
You can use your hand or a finger vibe or delay intercourse until you are seconds away from coming.
Any position is an orgasm position.
And you will finally get the answer to that question: “How can I come during intercourse?”
TIP
—•—
Is there a best position for female orgasm? Yes—any one of them. The female superior,
or woman-on-top, position is usually touted as the “best” position for her orgasm. But a
woman who isn’t comfortable on top won’t make it work to her advantage because she
won’t touch herself. Any position can become your own “best” Everything depends on
how your bodies fit together and how you adapt that position to get the maximum clitoral
benefits.
Another trick to finding your personal best is asking yourself: In what position can I most
effectively contract and release the PC muscle during thrusting? For some women, that is
missionary position with your feet pressed against his chest. Try it and see how it works
for you.
One or the other needs only to insert a finger or two down below, between your bodies, and stroke. If
you’re too shy to touch yourself in front of him or to tell him how you like to be touched, just take his
hand, put it there, and move against it.
Or one of you can use a finger vibe. Or you can wear a strap-on vibe. Or you must masturbate to the
point where orgasm is imminent before intercourse. Or he must arouse you to fever pitch via manual
and/or oral stimulation before intercourse begins. At that point, any movement in the genital area
should put you over the edge, especially if you have a strong PC muscle and flex like mad.
The Flying V
Now that you’re getting over your shyness about needing clitoral stimulation, or your reluctance to
accept the obvious—that most women don’t come via intercourse alone—here’s a simple move that
can really take you where you want to go, in any intercourse position.
Many women find this simple move more effective for inducing orgasm than directly stroking or
circling the clitoris, especially during intercourse, when the space available between bodies does
limit the options a bit.
Insert two fingers of one hand between your bodies. Form a V shape with your fingers, straddling
your clitoris. Push the V down in time with his thrusting.
Or take his fingers and place them in the V shape on the sides of your clitoris. Grind against his
fingers as he thrusts.
TIP
—•—
Your favorite orgasm position not working as well as it used to? Bodies change. Weight
gain or loss, athletic injuries, a subtle decline in erectile function, and other factors can
make a difference. Try some of the adaptations under The Basic Six Positions (at right).
And experiment with new ones.
They are:
• Woman on top (or female superior)
• Man on top (or missionary)
• Side-by-side
• Rear entry
• Sitting
• Standing
She may lean forward, putting her weight on her hands on either side of his shoulders, or she may
lean on one hand, or maintain an upright position, keeping both hands free. She may also lean
backward, if that gives her better G-spot stimulation. A common variation on the position is the
“reverse cowgirl,” where she faces his feet, not his head.
Simply move in an oval track rather than a straightforward up-and-down riding motion. Imagine you
are circumscribing an oval with your body, with the down-stroke at one end of the oval and the
upstroke at the other. Lean slightly forward as you push down on his penis, stimulating your clitoris.
Pull up and move slightly backward on the upstroke, stimulating your G-spot.
And, of course, use your hand if you need it. And flex that PC muscle!
REAL TALK
What’s your favorite position for female orgasm?
“Rear entry. I love to look at a woman’s ass. And the power! I bring her to the edge of the bed and I
stand behind her and take her and she is completely mine—and I know she is comin’”
’Ahmed, 29
—•—
“Right now with this guy, it’s the good old missionary. We are athletic with it, moving it around to
get what I need. I like wrapping my legs around his neck or putting my feet on his chest. With other
guys, it’s been other favorite positions.”
—Nadine, 36
—•—
“Rear entry. I love the way my guy pounds my pussy in that position. Sometimes it’s just what I
crave. And it’s easier for me to play with my clit if he’s not looking right at me while I do it.”
—Marisol, 30
—•—
“My favorite position is me on top. I’m a bit of an exhibitionist. And I know I look good riding my
man. I can work my G-spot and get clit play. It has everything. And he doesn’t seem to mind that it’s
my favorite”
—Amelia, 44
“It’s all good. When I want to make up to her for working late or ignoring her to watch sports on
TV, I start out on top of her, then roll her to the side while I’m still in her and hold her really close
in what I call ‘the package.’ I have my leg wrapped around her ass and my arm around her back and
I’m saying, ‘I love you, baby, you’re the one.’”
—Tyrone, 39
In the most common variation of the position, she lies on her back with her legs slightly parted and he
lies on top of her, supporting himself at least partially with his hands.
She lies on her stomach, legs straight out and spread only slightly. He lies over her, supporting his
weight on his elbows. He positions his legs on either side of her. As he enters her, she closes her legs
and crosses them at the ankles.
Crossing your ankles and holding your legs together enables you to feel the entire length of his penis
inside you. As he is thrusting, he’s in a great position to kiss your neck and nibble your ears. And you
can reach under and play with your clitoris.
–Female CEO, 39
Side-by-Side Position
Often a favorite position for the weary couple—or the semi-erect man—side-by-side is sometimes
called “spooning” and even “stuffing and spooning.”
In the basic version of the position, he faces her back. Her buttocks are angled against him as he puts
one leg between hers. Or she can lie half on her back, half on her side, drawing up the leg upon which
she is lying. He faces her.
Variations
They can face one another, with legs loosely wrapped around each other. Or they can keep their legs
touching and out straight—with the other legs loosely wrapped.
In another variation, they face one another and she wraps both legs around him—like a lying-down
version of stand-up sex.
Rear-Entry Position
A favorite position of the ancient Chinese, rear entry is also a favorite of both sexes in the West today,
in spite of its unfortunate nickname, “doggy style.” This position facilitates deep penetration, G-spot
stimulation, and hard thrusting, and puts her clitoris in a good place for manual stimulation. A nice
bonus: Her ass looks its best here, with the little wrinkles and pockets fairly well ironed out. (Who
doesn’t love that?)
In the basic position, the woman is on all fours with the man kneeling behind her.
Variations
He stands behind her and pulls her to the edge of the bed. Standing gives him the ability to thrust even
more forcefully—something both partners may want.
In another variation, she lowers her chest to the bed. That changes the angle of penetration. Some
women report greater G-spot stimulation in this variation.
In the basic position, he sits in a chair or on the bed with her astride him. Penetration is shallow.
Variations
Changing the chair also changes the angle and depth of penetration—and her ability to leverage
thrusting. A hard-backed kitchen chair, for example, gives her thrusting power, while an overstuffed
chair may not.
She sits on him, facing away from him. Again, that changes the angle and depth of penetration.
“It’s a myth that women don’t like rear entry. We do like vigorous thrusting. And we don’t always
need to see your face.”
In the basic version of the position, he squats slightly while she lowers herself onto him. She wraps
one leg around his waist and he holds her buttocks.
Variations
This might be “cheating,” but he can lift her onto a kitchen counter, washer or dryer, or any convenient
surface when standing becomes uncomfortable.
“Many women say they cannot have sex standing up. Many women say they cannot have an orgasm
with a man on top. Many women say they have their best orgasms with him on top. Many women are
not in your bed. Nevermind what they say. What works for you?”
—iVillage.com
TIP
—•—
Sometimes you want to make love like a porn star. Try the standing position in front of a
full length mirror. Use props—like a sturdy barstool than he can lean back against—if a
wall isn’t handy. This can be especially effective as a visual treat if a mini skirt is pulled
up to her waist, exposing her buttocks.
All these things—and more—will be sorted out and put to rest in this chapter.
“Why quick sex? Because it just might save your sex life.”
REAL TALK
Where is the most public place you’ve had sex?
“On the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. My lover was with the State
Department, and we got out of his government car to walk around the mall. The driver was parked
and waiting for us. My lover sat down on the steps, and pulled me onto his lap. One thing led to
another. And I wasn’t wearing panties.”
—Susannah, 45
—•—
“In a Holiday Inn swimming pool outside St. Louis. I was in town for a cousin’s wedding. The
wedding party stayed at the hotel. The reception was winding down when one of the bridesmaids
took my hand and suggested a walk. We saw the empty pool, stripped down, jumped in, and fucked
like water bunnies. Later I learned that she had a thing for the groom.”
—Joe, 32
—•—
“I was having a late lunch with a guy pal at a trendy Soho [New York City] restaurant two days
before Christmas. My flight to the West Coast had been cancelled due to a snowstorm. He was
Jewish and going through a divorce. So we were both alone for the day, expected nowhere. We
drank a lot of wine. The restaurant was empty. We were kissing and groping … and suddenly I
decided to get under the table and blow him. Then he did me. We left a 200 percent tip.”
—Ingrid, 40
Unless you have the luxury of time every day of the week, you need to learn the art of the quickie. Sex
begets sex. The more you have, the more you want. The less you have—well, you don’t want to go
there, do you?
Women who have a strong PC muscle not only experience more pleasure in sex and have more
frequent orgasms—they are far more likely to reach orgasm in a quickie.
Sex your brain: Sure, it’s possible that lust takes you by surprise. You get swept up in passion. You
melt at the sight of him. You grow erect when she unbuttons her blouse. But if you can’t wait for lust
to take you like a pirate swooping up booty, then encourage your sexual thoughts and fantasies,
especially just before you’ll have time for a quickie. Put sex in your head. Pretend you are meeting
your lover in an empty conference room and time is of the essence.
Prepare your body: Use a lube like Liquid Silk or the new KY vaginal moisturizer that you can put
in a little ahead of time. She can use a Pocket Rocket vibe to rev up. In less than two minutes, she’ll
be ready. And always wear lingerie that can pushed aside. No pantyhose!
“Do you know what I love about a quickie? Even if you’re in a relationship, it’s not about the
relationship.”
Redefine sex: “Sex” doesn’t have to mean intercourse. A Quickie could be mutual oral sex in the
back seat of the car parked in the garage while the kids are watching The Little Mermaid inside the
house. You can skip the foreplay this time. Really. If she’s lubed and revved up and he has an
erection, you’re good to go. Intercourse in a standing position, sitting on his lap in a chair, or in a
position that would be uncomfortable for long play adds a sense of urgency and excitement to the
event.
Touch her clitoris: Use your hand or a finger vibe, but don’t neglect clitoral stimulation.
Be edgy: Do it in the backyard at midnight, the rest-room of your favorite pub, your mother’s gazebo
—there are so many places to have a quickie, especially since you don’t take all your clothes off. The
risk of being seen also adds an element of excitement.
TIP
—•—
Don’t put pressure on the quickie. Enjoy it for the lusty, dramatic experience that it is.
Orgasm will most likely be part of the experience if you’re using the Orgasm Loop (see
Chapter 11). But if it doesn’t happen, masturbate after he leaves (or falls asleep). Let the
quickie be the one “no expectations” sexual event in your sex life.
Anal Intercourse
Anal? Really? Really. The anal orgasm is not just a theory promulgated by men trying to get women to
try anal intercourse. The anus, in both sexes, is rich in nerve endings. Stimulating it does bring
pleasure.
Bring on the toys, fingers, and tongues, and see whether anal play arouses you before trying anal
intercourse.
Anal Massage
• Massage her buttocks using firm strokes. Then use light, teasing strokes—even gentle pinching—
down the crack between her cheeks.
• Separating the buttocks slightly, massage the innermost parts with somewhat gentler strokes than
you used on the outer buttocks.
• Apply the light, teasing strokes you used in her crack down to her anus. With a well-lubed finger,
circle the anal opening lightly.
• Using long strokes, begin massaging her buttocks again, starting at the base of the spine and
continuing down the perineum.
• Massage her perineum with your thumb or finger pad, exerting light pressure.
• Put your finger in her anus and gently circle inside the opening. Now add a second finger. Rub
them in and out in simulated intercourse. (She can do all this to him, too.)
REAL TALK
Do you come from anal sex?
“Yes, or I wouldn’t do it! There’s all that preparation and initial discomfort … if I didn’t have huge
orgasms, I wouldn’t. But I do.”
—Cheryl, 26
—•—
“No, I haven’t so far but I am pretty new to anal intercourse. I do it occasionally for my guy. The
first time I hated it, but it’s getting better. I do get hot. But I come by cunnilingus, once before and
once after”
—Amanda, 24
—•—
“Yes, but I don’t know if I would come that way if I didn’t also play with my clitoris while we’re
doing it. By strict definition, I think all my orgasms are clitoral. But they feel different and bigger
somehow during anal sex and sometimes intercourse”
—Savannah, 40
Anal Toys
Consider using the following anal toys:
• Anal beads: Made of jelly, plastic, or silicone, anal beads look like the necklaces made of pop
beads that you had as a child. At the end of this string of beads is a large circular pull. You
gently insert the (well-lubricated) beads, then pull them out, one bead at a time, for an ooh-la-la
effect. Flexi Felix, made of silicone, is a high-quality product, with no rough edges on the beads,
and it is easier to clean than the cheap versions.
• Butt plugs: Varying in size and somewhat in shape, butt plugs are insertable wands that have a
flared base so you don’t have to worry about them getting lost up there. Used during
masturbation, they will make you aware that your anal muscles really do clench in orgasm—and
they will heighten the sensation of that. As preparation for anal sex, a butt plug opens the
pathway. Some women find that using a butt plug during intercourse gives them a delicious
feeling of double penetration and expands their orgasm. Use lots of lube. (And if he wants you to
try a butt plug, why don’t you ask him to try one, too?)
• Anal vibrators or attachments: Anal vibrators are specially designed for anal insertion. They
are smaller—both shorter and thinner—than regular vibes.
Sex play before anal intercourse should include everything you like—cunnilingus, probably to
orgasm, manual clitoral stimulation, a lot of kissing and caressing, and, of course, anal play.
Anal Intercourse
Before beginning, get the necessary props:
• A good lubricant, such as Astroglide (no scented oils, lotions, or petroleum jelly)
• An anal condom, necessary to keep bacteria out of his urethra
Afterward, he must not insert his penis or fingers into your vagina until he has disposed of the
condom and washed his hands. I don’t mean to sound like a clean freak, but you both risk contracting
a urinary tract infection from anal sex if the cleanliness rules are not followed scrupulously. No
vaginal sex after anal sex until he has washed.
Remember: Porn films are vehicles for arousal, not how-to videos. So never mind that porn actors
slide in and out of orifices with no time-outs for washing (and no specs of feces on their penises,
either). That is not real life.
Multiple Orgasms
Theoretically, any/every woman can have multiple orgasms, because women, unlike men, do not have
a refractory period following orgasm. How many women actually do report having multiple orgasms?
In most surveys and studies, it is 10 percent or fewer.
Types of Multiples
There are four types of multiple orgasms:
• Compounded single orgasms: Each orgasm is distinct, separated by sufficient time so that prior
arousal and tension have substantially resolved between orgasms.
• Sequential multiples: Orgasms are fairly close together—anywhere from 2 to 10 minutes apart
—with little interruption in sexual stimulation or level of arousal.
• Serial multiples: Orgasms are separated by seconds, or up to 1 or 3 minutes, with no or barely
any interruption in stimulation or diminishment of arousal.
• Blended multiples: A mix of two or more of the above types. Very often women who are multi-
orgasmic experience more than one type of multiple orgasm during a lovemaking session.
Encouraging Multiples
What can you do to encourage multiple orgasms? Here are some tips:
• Start on warm: Fantasize about the sexual encounter before it begins. Masturbate, but not to
orgasm. Indulge in sensual cues, such as candles, music, perfume, and lingerie. Set time aside for
longer than usual lovemaking.
• Focus: You must be focused solely on your pleasure to achieve multiples. If you are paying too
much attention to him—even to pleasing him—you won’t get there. You probably won’t have
them if you’re tired, stressed, or angry, particularly with your lover. Mental attitude is crucial.
Shut out intrusive thoughts. (See Chapter 11 for advice on how to do that.)
• Touch yourself: A woman who has multiple orgasms is comfortable giving herself additional
clitoral stimulation during sex.
“Multiple orgasms! Any woman who has orgasms can have Multiples.
Few do. Most don’t bother.”
I invented the Orgasm Loop (or O Loop), a revolutionary mind/body technique, in response to that
question I’ve heard from thousands of women over the past two decades: “How can I have an orgasm
during intercourse?”
I am not alone in reporting that this is indeed women’s number one sex concern. Everyone who deals
with female sexuality for a living knows what the question is. And we all know the simple answer.
You would be living in the woods now had not so many trees been felled in service of the answer to
that question.
Perhaps a better question is, “Why don’t women know how to come during intercourse?”
This is a more complex question than it appears to be. The obvious answer—and the answer I have
been giving for decades!—is to touch yourself during intercourse. But this is advice some women
aren’t willing to hear, much less follow. (What?! And let the Prince think his magic wand isn’t
sufficient?)
So, I began looking for a long answer for women who just don’t want the short one. Here’s what I
knew when I started: Women of varying ages and levels of sexual expertise have difficulty reaching
orgasm with their partners, and sometimes alone. At least a third of women are reluctant to
masturbate, or they do masturbate without touching themselves. (Straddling towels is surprisingly
common. Yet no one writes about the problem of chafing.) While vibrators are increasingly popular
sex toys, many women don’t know how get the most out of them. And they complain that they either
have trouble becoming aroused or sustaining arousal during love-making, typically citing distractions
like worrying about work or domestic chores when they want to be abandoning themselves to
pleasure. That arousal problem compounds their orgasm difficulties.
I then asked myself, “What if I could figure out how all women can experience the great orgasms that
many women do achieve during masturbation, and transfer that thrill to lovemaking?” I began by
researching techniques for removing the mental roadblocks to arousal. Once I discovered the
cognitive feedback loop studies conducted by Dr. Eileen Palace at Tulane University in Louisiana
(U.S.), I knew I could simplify the concept, integrate creative visualization, add some adapted sex
techniques from Tantra, and take advantage of a woman’s natural sexual arousal patterns. But the
Orgasm Loop didn’t come together until I realized one day, while talking to an old family friend in
Illinois—a man with several black belts, that energy focus as practiced by experts in martial arts was
the real key to the Orgasm Loop’s success.
It was the most exciting moment of my professional life. I’ve tested it on dozens of women to date,
with overwhelmingly positive results. The Orgasm Loop taps into a woman’s arousal potential and
teaches her how to use her body to her own best orgasmic advantage.
The first few times you use the Orgasm Loop, you’ll have to think about what you’re doing. You will
need to focus more on achieving arousal and getting your own pleasure than on your partner. (He
won’t mind. The results will be worth it for both of you, because a man’s number one desire is to
“give” his partner an orgasm.) After that, the technique comes naturally—as, hopefully, your orgasms
will.
TIP
—•—
Like so many women, do you start worrying about your orgasm shortly after the
lovemaking begins? Will I—or won’t I? It’s the question that derails the love train. The
Orgasm Loop takes the worry out of sex. You focus on arousal to the point where
negative thoughts cannot intrude.
Some women who tested the technique asked, “Can’t I make my arousal image a mental photo of my
husband?”
No! The image of the man you love may call up different emotions depending on whether or not he
did his share of the chores that week or any number of other factors. You need to tap into arousal as a
pure force of its own
volition—a force inside you—not a complicated emotion dependent on your feelings at the moment
for your partner. Love is complex. Arousal is simple. You must get inside your own sexual moment
before you can be a good partner to him.
An important note: If you are using this step (visualizing arousal) during foreplay with your partner,
keep your eyes closed as he kisses, caresses, and strokes you, and focus on your mental arousal
image. Making love with your eyes open is great—once you are fully aroused. But in this beginning
state, you need to focus on your own arousal, not your intense, intimate connection with your partner.
Now create a circle of fire by breathing deeply in and out and picturing your breath as fire. Move that
fiery energy in a circular fashion as you draw a deep, slow breath into your nostrils and mouth. Push
the fire breath down and feel it licking the base of your spine before you expel it out of your body
through your genitals. Do it again. Breathe into your nostrils and mouth and out through your genitals.
See your breath as a fiery circle that ignites your passion. Erotic breathing naturally turns up the
sexual volume.
“The number one sex question we get from readers is, ‘How can I have an orgasm during
intercourse?’”
Just don’t let yourself relax into the post-orgasmic state. Stay in the Orgasm Loop by closing your
eyes and going back to visualizing arousal, followed by energy focusing and fire breathing. The next
orgasm—and the one after that—will follow.
TIP
—•—
Can he O Loop? Men have tried it, but with varying degrees of success. For the average
man with no difficulty getting aroused and sustaining arousal, the Orgasm Loop may just
get in the way. But men who have lost their erections during lovemaking report success
using the Loop. The technique is basically the same for men as it is for women: Focus on
an arousal image; concentrate energy in the genitals; and use fire breathing and PC
flexing (Yes, men have a PC muscle too—and using it can improve their erections and
orgasms.) The goal of the O Loop is to sustain erection rather than ejaculation.
Chapter 12 His Orgasms
The male orgasm has not received the same level of attention that the female orgasm has. Your local
bookstore may have a couple dozen books on her orgasm and maybe one on his—and that will
probably be a book about how he can come without ejaculating using Eastern erotic techniques.
Orgasm is no problem for men, right? And one orgasm is just as good as another for him, right? And,
on the other hand, he doesn’t have the unlimited orgasmic potential that she has, right?
While having an orgasm may not be the issue for him as it is for her, he does experience some
orgasms as “better” than others. He can learn how to have more of those if he wants to do that. And
the potential for enriching his entire sexual experience through developing new orgasm skills is real.
Paths to Orgasm
While he may get there more reliably than his woman does, he doesn’t have as many potential paths to
ecstasy as are available to her.
Generally, men reach orgasm via stimulation of the head of the penis during intercourse or the up-and-
down movement of the shaft during masturbation. There is more than one way to bring a penis to
orgasm.
As for a male G-spot, yes, he has one. See Chapter 4 for directions on how to find it.
If a man comes just by looking at a naked woman or holding and kissing her, he’s fourteen (and way
too young for her!) or suffers from premature ejaculation. It’s a good thing if a woman can come via
extra-genital stimulation, but not so good if a man does.
The guru of self-help books and workshops on male multiples is Stan Dale, who has a doctorate in
human sexuality from the Institute for the Advanced Study of Sexuality in San Francisco. According to
Dale, men can learn how to experience orgasm without ejaculation. His techniques for doing that rely
heavily on mental control, something men under thirty-five or forty may not have.
His main advice on the technique is to strengthen the PC muscle by doing Kegels (see Chapter 1) and
to try to hold back ejaculation by using that muscle and telling yourself, “Not now, maybe later, but
not now.”
Repeatedly using the techniques for delaying ejaculation explained in the following section may be
more effective. Some men do report that they can learn how to experience orgasmic contractions
without ejaculation through repeated delaying maneuvers. Is the quest for orgasm without ejaculation
worth the effort? You be the judge of that for yourself.
The trick is in finding the right spot and applying the pressure in the nick of time. That may take a
little practice.
“Dry orgasms do exist. There is documented evidence that in some cases the muscle contraction
that accompanies ejaculation was not elicited by the discharge of seminal fluids.”
REAL TALK
Have you ever had a male g-spot orgasm?
—Bradley, 27
—•—
“Oh, yeah. I feel it in my cock and balls, my anus——and then it radiates throughout my pelvic
area and buttocks. It’s something special.”
—Ryan, 41
For example:
• Some men hold their breath.
• Others breathe with more intensity.
• He might make a certain sound, like a grunt, cry, or exclamation, or go completely silent.
Now that you know his moment, you can spike his orgasm, or “trigger” it yourself, by:
• Stimulating his G-spot with your thumb or finger pressed gently on his perineum.
• Inserting a well-lubed finger inside his anus to stimulate the G-spot from inside, but only if he is
comfortable with having that done.
If a woman thinks giving him a blow job that you finish off by swallowing is all you can do for him—
and not that there’s anything wrong with that—she can learn a new trick or two. Leave him gasping,
leave him panting, leave him—grateful.
A simple trick for men who like to have their nipples pinched, tweaked, or bitten during foreplay is to
do that at the moment of orgasm. Another easy but effective maneuver: pause. If he’s on top, grab his
buttocks at the moment of orgasm. Use your PC muscle to pull him in a little deeper, and make eye
contact with him.
REAL TALK
Do you come on her body? Does he come on your body?
“Once in a while, he does. The first time it was my idea. I said, ‘I want you to come on my face,’
and he was surprised but pleased. I played porn star and caught some of it my mouth and licked my
lips. It’s sexy. I can’t explain why, but it is”
—Chantelle, 36
—•—
“I’ve come between my wife’s breasts. She says no to the face. But maybe, one of these days… .
It’s hot to watch myself come on her breasts.”
—Richard, 27
—•—
“You get the idea in the films that it is supposed to degrade the woman a little, but I like it. When
he comes on my face, it’s like we’re doing something dirty. It’s hot.”
—Angela, 40
“This lady lets me do that, yes. She is the hottest woman I’ve ever been with. A smart, savvy
businesswoman, a lady—and a tiger. She rubs my come into her nipples.”
—Cornelius, 49
When his erection is very hard, have him slow down and let you control the thrusting dynamics of
intercourse. It’s easier if you’re on top, but it can be done in other positions, too. His cooperation is
important, because the butterfly quiver is more effective when he doesn’t thrust vigorously.
Now flex your PC muscle in a continuous pattern of tightening (as you pull him inside) and releasing
(as you push him out), replicating the pattern of a butterfly’s pulsating wings. Make the butterfly as
fast as you can when he nears ejaculation.
He will feel like his ejaculate is being pulled out of his body—a thrilling experience for both of you.
Try it. You might like it. Watching a man ejaculate is both more arousing and more satisfying than you
probably think it will be if you haven’t done it.
Chapter 13 Sacred Sex: The Orgasm Connection
Both of you reaching orgasm during the same act of lovemaking, however it happens, makes you feel
good about one another. That natural cocktail of post-orgasmic chemicals racing through your bodies
enables you to gaze into your lover’s eyes with renewed affection and appreciation, even if you were
driving each other crazy a few hours ago. (Now that is intimacy—and you didn’t have to talk about
the relationship to experience it.) Orgasm smoothes the rough edges. Without good sex—and orgasm
—how would men and women ever be able to live together? Or even spend a few nights a week
together?
Yet some couples want to make the orgasm connection even more intense. They want simultaneous
orgasms and prolonged periods of emotional as well as physical sex: sacred sex.
Simultaneous Orgasm
The simultaneous orgasm was the cultural ideal before the concept of “she comes first” took over.
The old movie poster of Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in From Here to Eternity has always
symbolized that for me. Don’t you think our mothers and grandmothers really believed they were
coming simultaneously under those swimsuits?
While the Simultaneous O isn’t quite the big deal it was back then (when she faked it in time with
his), it still has a certain cachet, especially among young women who are in committed, monogamous
relationships. And they do have a better chance of making that happen with their guy than single
women do with casual lovers. Why?
The keys to simultaneous orgasm are communication and timing, and couples in long-term
relationships are more familiar with each other’s bodies and sexual responses than strangers are. You
shouldn’t feel pressured to make this happen, but trying to bring your orgasms together can be fun
even if the timing doesn’t work out.
The following three techniques may not all work for you, but they’re certainly worth a try.
Extend the warm-up. Hold off on intercourse until you are both at the “high fever” state of arousal.
You know the signs: panting, sweating, flushed chest, that look in the eyes. Don’t move to intercourse
until you get those signals. Then move together in a state of close communication with your eyes open
and your hands on each other’s back, buttocks, or thighs ready to indicate “faster” or “slower.” If one
of you is closer to orgasm than the other, that person stops moving and signals through a sexy code
phrase like “too hot” or a touch, such as gently placing your hands on the other’s hips and pushing
your bodies slightly away from one another.
One of the keys to simultaneous
orgasm is staying connected
to your lover through
holding and caressing.
Still connected though not moving, the partner on the verge kisses, caresses, and strokes the other.
Look into one another’s eyes now if you are comfortable doing that, because eye contact during
intercourse will let you gauge how close each other is to release, helping you time the movements.
The more dilated those pupils are—that glazed and unfocused look—the closer you each are to
orgasm. Now move together again to bring about simultaneous orgasms. (And you can see why only
couples that know one another well can make this work.)
Why does it work? The partner who signals for a brief halt in stimulation gets the slow-down he or
she needs while continuing to give the erotic attention the other needs to keep his or her arousal
building. The less aroused partner continues to receive the kissing, stroking, and caressing he or she
needs to catch up. This method of letting the “faster” partner focus attention on the “slower” partner
until they are in sync again dramatically increases the odds that they will reach orgasm at the same
time.
When he has stimulated you either orally or manually to near orgasm, pull back from the attention he
is lavishing on your body by gently taking his face in your hands and pulling your hips back at the
same time. As soon as you send him this physical signal, he’ll understand that you are ready for
intercourse. He, on the other hand, may need a little extra stimulation to catch up. Ask him if he wants
oral or manual pleasuring, and give him enough to bring him up to your speed. Get into the “69”
position. That will give you enough additional stimulation to sustain your high while you’re bringing
him along. Now you’re both ready!
REAL TALK
How often do you reach simultaneous orgasm with your partner?
“Almost never. But I often fake it. He loves to think that I am coming again as he is coming. It’s a
bit of theater I don’t mind performing if I’ve already had mine.”
—Nikki, 37
—•—
“On rare occasions—when we are really on the same page from the beginning. If I am highly
aroused when we start, it is likely to happen. It is satisfying, but not necessary.”
—Karen, 43
—•—
“I don’t know. It seems to happen a lot, but I suspect women are faking it most of the time.”
—David, 32
Use eye contact to gauge each other’s arousal. Also use the physical cues to control the timing—for
example, grasping one another’s hips to encourage faster or slower movement as needed.
This method works because, when you start intercourse at a high level of arousal, you’re where he
typically is at the beginning. He doesn’t have to hold back.
She lies on her back and he enters her. With his pelvis higher than hers, he lies on top of her, putting
his full weight on her body. (If he’s a lot taller, his chin will be resting on top of her head because he
has to move his pelvis as high as it will go while sustaining the intercourse connection.) She wraps
her legs around his thighs, resting her ankles on his calves. They move their pelvises only in a steady
rhythm without speeding up or slowing down until they reach orgasm together.
You can adapt this basic position, taking some of the weight off her and allowing face-to-face contact,
no matter your heights. While keeping your pelvises locked and her legs around his thighs as
described above, he supports most of his weight on his arms. Another way to open up the C.A.T. and
lift his weight off of her is for him to grasp the headboard, using that to support his weight and
leverage his movements against her. Or you can reverse the C.A.T., with her on top, lying flat against
him, pelvises locked, his legs wrapped around her body. In any variation, speed up or slow down that
“steady rhythm” to suit your own timing needs.
This method works because the continuous stimulation this position provides your clitoris gives you
the direct stimulation you need to reach orgasm during intercourse alone. Plus the constraints the
position places on his movement naturally slow him down, which makes you more likely to be in
sync. He moves less vigorously and at the same time gives you that steady stimulation right on target.
The American way of lovemaking is goal-oriented and straightforward: Get to intercourse, orgasm,
and good night. The Eastern way is about prolonging pleasure, extending orgasms, and expanding the
orgasmic experience until the body seems suffused with orgasm. It’s the Quickie versus the Long,
Slow Love-in.
Most of us won’t immerse ourselves in Tantra. (If you want to read further, the world authority on
Tantra is Margot Anand, and I recommend her books because they are accessible, well written, and
interesting.) We can, however, adapt some of the techniques and use them to enrich our sex lives.
The techniques for making these expanded, extended, and whole body orgasms are best learned
during masturbation. Expanding orgasm takes it beyond the places in the genitals where you usually
experience it. Sometimes the techniques are referred to as “stretching” his orgasm and “spreading”
her orgasm. If you master these techniques, they simply make your orgasm feel a little more diffuse,
bathing the genitals and immediately beyond in pleasure. And they feel stronger.
After orgasm, continue rhythmic stroking of your genital area. Feel the orgasm continuing to spread
throughout your body for several seconds after it normally would have dissipated.
Count the contractions you feel upon ejaculation, normally between three and eight. Note the level
and order of intensity. Typically the strongest contractions will be at the beginning. The next time you
masturbate, again delay ejaculation as long as possible.
When you do ejaculate, flex your PC muscle as you would to retard ejaculation. Then continue
stimulating your penis very slowly while squeezing throughout the ejaculation, thus pushing the
sensations on and on.
Lie on the bed side by side, facing one another, with your legs entwined in a scissors position. Insert
his flaccid penis into her vagina. Both remain still. One of you may have to keep a hand around the
base of his penis to keep it inside until he has a moderate erection. (But don’t work to make him have
one!)
Breathing deeply, try to remain motionless for 15 to 30 minutes. During this time, caress each other’s
faces, necks, and upper bodies, and make frequent, prolonged eye contact. Whisper terms of
endearment. Are you feeling a sense of erotic peace?
Now begin moving together. He should be thrusting slowly and gently and she should be matching his
pace with her pelvis and hips. Kiss deeply. As you move your bodies, use your hands to stroke each
other, working upward from one another’s genitals. Imagine that you are spreading fire with your
hands.
Resist the desire to move faster when you reach that agonizing point of being “almost there.” You
want to stay on the verge for as long as possible—until you realize that you are having an orgasm. It
will seem to last forever.
Karezza
An Italian word that means “caress” Karezza was developed by an American physician in 1883.
Alice Bunker Stockholm borrowed it in part from a pamphlet on birth control written by a founding
member of the Oneida community, a minister who adapted it from the ancient erotic teachings of a
Chinese physician named Master Sun. Stockholm instructed her married patients in the art of Karezza
as a way to prevent his premature ejaculation while allowing sufficient time for her arousal. Her
small self-published book, Karezza: Ethics of Marriage, was translated into several languages,
including Russian by the great novelist Leo Tolstoy.
In her book she instructed readers to remain in a sexual position for an hour without moving toward
orgasm. And she encouraged them to read aloud from Ralph Waldo Emerson and Elizabeth Barrett
Browning, and then discuss the meaning of those works. That is one of the most interesting pieces of
erotic history I’ve ever uncovered.
As a technique for prolonging intercourse, Karezza is simple and effective and can be practiced in
any position. It also encourages extended orgasm.
Any intercourse position can work, but man-on-top or missionary is least likely to encourage
Karezza. Woman-on-top or female superior and side-by-side are better choices. The key is to
dramatically limit his genital movement. He does not move inside the woman unless he becomes
flaccid. Then he takes only shallow strokes to revive his erection.
“People who come into sex therapy have basic problems. They just want to have sex occasionally
and they certainly aren’t asking how to make good sex great. People go to the bookstores for that.
The average sex therapist couldn’t tell a couple how to perform Karezza if her fee depended on it.”
—X, a famous sex therapist and author
Couples can also try Karezza in
the standing position. The male
should stay as still as possible while
the woman moves in whatever way
best stimulates her own orgasm.
She is allowed to move, including thrusting her hips against his and contracting her PC muscle around
his penis. No matter how excited she gets, he takes only sufficient thrusting strokes to maintain an
erection. Using the masturbation technique of expanding or “spreading” she (or he) encourages the
spread of her orgasm throughout her body.
He holds their lovemaking embrace until she has had one or several orgasms. Then he is free to move
with more energy and satisfy himself.
Kabbazah
Now it’s his turn to be intensely pleasured.
I first heard about Kabbazah while interviewing a man for a story in Penthouse Forum magazine
many years ago. He’d received the sex experience of his life in Japan as a soldier on R&R leave from
Vietnam. “I paid three times the going rate for it,” he said, “and that was a bargain.”
Kabbazah was actually developed thousands of years ago in the Middle East, when religious
extremists did not dominate that part of the world. A woman who had mastered the French art of
pompoir (control of the PC muscle) was called a kabbazah, or “one who holds.” Kabbazahs included
the best prostitutes in many Eastern countries, including China, Japan, and India. Prostitution was
sacred in India, and the temple prostitutes believed that they brought a man to religious as well as
sexual ecstasy via Kabbazah. The lifestyle of these upper level Eastern prostitutes was the equivalent
of that enjoyed by today’s most expensive international call girls.
As I researched Kabbazah, Karezza, and other techniques, I was struck by how sexologists in the late
twentieth century, such as the famed Mumbai sexologist Dr. Prokash Kothari, were developing
theories and techniques similar to those of ancient times. A really good idea never dies. And
Kabbazah is a good idea.
Here’s how the technique works. Begin in the female superior or sitting intercourse position. She
stimulates her partner until he is just erect, not highly aroused. Now she inserts his penis.
He does not move his pelvis at all. Not once. She also strives for no pelvic movement, confining all
movements—or as much as possible—to her PC muscle. You may, however, caress and kiss each
other.
She flexes her muscle in varying patterns until she feels his penis throbbing, which should occur
approximately fifteen minutes into Kabbazah. At that point, he should be highly aroused. She times her
contractions to the throbbing of his penis, clenching and releasing in time with him.
In another ten to fifteen minutes, he will experience a longer, more intense orgasm than normal.
Whole Body Orgasm
Have you ever heard someone say, “I felt that orgasm all the way down to my toes”? Or, “My orgasm
almost blew the top of my head off”? Maybe you’ve even said something like this yourself.
When you experience an orgasm that is clearly an event taking place beyond your genitals, you’re
having a whole body orgasm. Some people see flashing lights or colors. Others say it feels like an
out-of-body experience. Many describe feeling a strong, emotional connection to their partners.
The whole body orgasm is most likely the result of intense connections on three levels: emotional,
sensual, and sexual. Consider the levels to be separate doors, three ways into the whole body orgasm.
REAL TALK
Have you ever used Eastern lovemaking techniques?
“Yes, but I bastardize them. Tantra is a lot of work if you do it the ‘right’ way. And there is not
enough bang for the effort in doing it that way. So take what you like from it. Improvise. Sex
shouldn’t be work.”
—Christina, 34
—•—
“Yes, they work in slowing things down, making you feel more connected to your partner. I love the
Tantric Kiss and the Yabyu … yummy”
—Elizabeth, 52
—•—
“I signed up for a Tantra class with my lover shortly after my fortieth birthday. That’s when I
realized that Tantra appeals to middle-aged men. It gives us something to fall back on besides
cunnilingus when the penis isn’t so hard anymore.”
—Frank, 46
During intercourse (in any position), he practices one of the methods described earlier in this chapter
to delay his orgasm and ejaculation. When she feels her own orgasm is imminent, she signals him to
stop moving. The couple sits in the middle of the bed with his penis inside her, legs wrapped around
each other, moving as little as possible.
Pressing your foreheads together, breathe into each other’s mouths. As he exhales, she inhales. And
vice versa. Prolong this “kiss” until remaining still is no longer an option. Movement will trigger
orgasm. The long, slow arousal period and the emotional intensity of the kiss can combine to make
your orgasm feel like a whole body experience.
After she’s had at least one orgasm, caress her vagina and perform cunnilingus if she requests it.
When she is on the verge of another orgasm, move your hands and mouth away from her genitals.
Stroke her breasts, nipples, inner thighs—whatever non-genital area she wants touched, kissed, or
licked. She may be in such a state of hypersensitivity that she reaches orgasm this way, and the
orgasm will feel like it is spread throughout her body.
If not, stimulate her clitoris orally or manually as you continue to pay attention to non-genital areas.
(To a purist, this might be “cheating,” but who cares?)
The Yabyum, a Tantric version of the Western sitting position, is a must-try. It is highly touted by
sexologists as the ultimate position for prolonging male arousal and intensifying lovers’ intimate
connection. You will like it, even if you are not all that turned on by Tantra. The Yabyum: Sit in the
center of the bed facing each other. Wrap your legs around one another so she is sitting on his thighs.
Place your right hands at the back of each other’s neck, your left hands on each other’s tailbones.
Now stroke each other’s back, using upward strokes only. Look deeply into one another’s eyes as you
kiss with eyes open.
Put his semi-erect penis inside her vagina so it exerts as much indirect pressure as possible on her
clitoris and makes G-spot contact. (She can sit on pillows rather than his thighs, if necessary, to get
the angle of penetration right.)
Perform the Tantric kiss described earlier in this chapter. Rock slowly together while continuing to
rub each other’s back and sustaining deep eye contact. Maintain this position until both orgasm. This
is the Yabyum.
Several years ago the editors of Redbook magazine asked me to develop a new sex position for their
readers—a position that addressed some common concerns and complaints.
The Yabyum came immediately to mind. But I wanted something a little less time-consuming and
easier for couples that might not be yoga devotees to do. Why not start in the Yabyum—a looser
version, essentially used as intense foreplay—and then open it up, like a flower unfolding? The
resulting position, The Passion Flower, was a hit with testers and later with readers, too.
The Passion Flower: As in the Yabyum, start in the center of the bed, facing one another. Wrap her
legs comfortably around his body. She may either sit on his thighs or on pillows positioned in front of
him. Her legs can be splayed out straight or bent at the knees, whichever is more comfortable for him.
Place your right hands on each other’s neck and your left hands at the base of each other’s spine.
Stroke each other’s back, using upward strokes only. Look into each other’s eyes and kiss with eyes
open. Continue kissing and stroking until you’re both highly aroused.
Insert his erect penis into her vagina so that the shaft exerts as much indirect pressure on her clitoris
as possible. Rock together, slowly rubbing each other’s backs and kissing deeply. She may reach
orgasm quickly in this position. After her first orgasm (or sooner, if she doesn’t feel orgasm is
imminent) move into one of the following variations:
He sits on the bed with his legs open wide. She lies back on the bed, facing him, with her body
between his legs. He lifts her ankles up against his shoulders and enters her at a comfortable angle.
She keeps her thighs closed, creating a tighter grip on his penis. And she uses one hand to stimulate
her clitoris.
She lies on her back, again between his legs, but with her legs bent at the knees and pulled back
against her body until her heels touch her thighs. He sits close to her with his penis opposite her
vagina. She places her knees under his armpits and has him gently pull closer until he can comfortably
insert his penis. Again, she stimulates her clitoris during thrusting.
TIP
—•—
Keeping your eyes open during kissing and intercourse is not a one-size-fits-all erotic
technique. Some couples find the deep soul-gazing intrusive or even silly. Don’t be
dogmatic about open eyes—or anything else, for that matter. If you are more comfortable
making love with your eyes closed, go with what feels good to you. Do try opening your
eyes occasionally to make eye contact with your lover, though.
Stay on that path. The more satisfying sex you have, the more you want. Use this book like a
cookbook. Keep returning to it for gourmet orgasm recipes. And lest you think I put all my faith in
technique and none in passion, let me close with some of my favorite words from Anaïs Nin, the
erotic diarist whose life and work celebrated passion.
“Sex loses all its power and magic when it becomes explicit, mechanical, overdone, when it
becomes a mechanistic obsession. It is wrong not to mix sex with emotion, hunger, desire, lust,
whims, caprices, personal ties, deeper relationships that change its color, flavor, rhythms …”
Acknowledgments
Professional colleagues who inspire and encourage: Dr. Patti Britton, Dr. Bob Berkowitz, Dr. Barry
Komisaruk—and the bright, cheeky Babes who write about sex: Lou Paget, Carlin Ross, Tracy Cox,
Susie Bright, and Tristan Taormino.
My editors Wendy Gardner and Jill Alexander, project manager Amanda Waddell, copy editor Karen
Levy, publisher Will Kiester, creative director Rosalind Wanke, and the amazing design team at
Quiver.
My friends and family who have lent support and encouragement over the years, especially Carolyn
Males, Michael and Barb Hasamear, Alex Zola, Joe Rinaldi … and my DIL Tammy Bakos who has
given us the incomparable Marcella and delightful twin boys.
New friends in the ‘hood, Elizabeth, Corey, and Reggie—what would I have done without you?
Adam & Eve, Babeland, and Candida Royalle for providing a wealth of free sex toys used in
research of this book.
And especially to my collaborators—models Jamie Lynn and Charles Dera—for making this book
elegant and erotic.
INDEX
A
AFE zone, 45, 60
anal beads, 123
anal intercourse, 122–125
foreplay for, 123
orgasm experiences and, 122
positions, 123
props, 123
steps, 123–124
anal massage, 122
anal orgasm, 100, 122
anal toys, 123
anterior fornix erotic zone. See AFE zone
B
blended orgasm, 100
blow job
giving great, 84–85
H-spot and, 60
large penis and, 85
P-zone and, 60
R-area and, 60
spiking his orgasm and, 139
stand-up kiss, 74, 75
steps, 84
swallowing, 85
using hot and cold, 76
body image and women, 32
bump and grind, 89
butt plugs, 123
C
C-spot, 44
car sex, 89
clitoris
innie or outie, 12
orgasm, 99
rubbing with penis, 75, 80
clitoris-spot. See C-spot
cock ring, 58, 112
Coital Alignment Technique (C.A.T.)
position, adapted, 145
cunnilingus, 80–82
1970s and, 10
erection lose and, 74
multiple orgasm and, 125, 144
power movie, 82
steps, 80
U-spot and, 60
D
delaying his orgasm, 136–137
Desire Curve, 98
Desire Set Point, 98
diet role, 16, 18
E
Eastern lovemaking techniques
experiences, 152
ejaculation, female, 76–77
erection, lose of, 74–76
exercise role, 16, 18
Hot Hips Swivel, 22
Hungry Lioness, 24
Kegels, 20–21
kick-dancing, 24
Kundalini yoga, 26–29, 66, 130, 152
Lusty Cat, 22
pelvic twists, 22
sexual confidence increase exercise, 24
sexual energy and libido increase exercise, 24
shag workout for her, 22–24
extra-genital orgasm, 100
eye contact, 64, 84, 138, 154
F
F-spot, 58
faking orgasm, women, 103
fantasies
couple encounters, 38–39
female, 32, 36
getting your guy to fantasize
about you, 36
help needed for, 37
male, 37
myths and misinformation, 39
nurture your, 34
one-week adventure, 39
role playing, 38
fellatio. See blow job
female ejaculation myths and reality, 77
female superior position, 60, 106, 107–108, 139
flying V, 107
foreplay, 62–77
anal sex as, 123
elements of, 64
eye contact, 64
focus energy during, 130
G-spot stroke, 72
games. See games
hands-on for her, 70, 72
hands-on for him, 72
kissing. See kiss
as mind game, 64
myths and misinformation, 64
as prelude to orgasm, 64
public, 88
rubbing clitoris, 75
simultaneous orgasm and, 142
stretching out, 142, 144
teasing, 66
touching and stroking, 70–72
frenulum-spot. See F-spot
G
G-spot
acceptance of theory, 99
connecting spots, 60
existence proved, 99
female ejaculation and, 77
female superior position and, 107, 108
finding female, 44
his, 59, 135, 136, 137
multiple orgasms and, 125
orgasm, 100
rear-entry position and, 111
standing position and, 114
stroking, 72
vibrator to locate, 100
Yabyum and, 153
games, 86–90
bump and grind, 89
car sex, 89
for experienced lovers, 148, 150
Kabbazah, 150
Karezza, 148, 150
master/mistress, 90
office call, 90
outercourse, 89
public foreplay, 88
silly games that work, 90
slave, 90
striptease, 89
H
H-spot, his, 58, 60
health and orgasm, 18, 42
hot spots
AFE zone, 45
C-spot, 44, 60
connecting, 60
F-spot, 58
finding, 44–45
G-spot, 44, 59, 60
H-spot, 58, 60
individual hot spots, 45, 59
mutual exploration of, 60
P-zone, 59, 60
R-area, 59, 60
tip, 45
U-spot, 45, 60
hysteria history, 16
I
insatiable bodies, 14–28
insatiable minds, 32–39
couple fantasy encounters, 38–39
her, 32–36
his, 37
intercourse alone and women’s orgasms, 12
intimacy over orgasm myth, 9, 10, 13
introduction, 8–13
K
Kabbazah, 150
Karezza, 148, 150
Kegels, 20–21, 150
kiss
essential, 68
importance, 68
scent, 70
stand-up, perfect, 74, 75
Tantric, 152, 153
Kundalini yoga, 26–28, 66, 130, 152
L
loss of desire, 10
Low Desire Syndrome, 98
M
masturbation
acceptable, 134
amount of, 56
attitude toward, 42
butt plugs and, 123
edge play, 57
expanding her orgasms and, 147
expanding his orgasms and, 147
fantasizing while, 34
hot spots and, 44
how some people masturbate, 48
as learning tool, 57
male orgasm and, 135
multiple orgasms and, 125
mutual, 52
myths and misinformation, 42
number of people who masturbate, 58
prolonging techniques for men, 57
reasons, 56
time to orgasm, average, 12
tip, 52
varying strokes, 57
meditation, sexual, 24
men, on female orgasm, 102
men versus women thinking about sex, 37
men versus women’s orgasms, 12
missionary position, 60, 106, 110
multiple orgasms, 124–125
encouraging, 125
helping men, 125
his, 135
types, 124
myths and misinformation, 9–10, 12, 13
about fantasies, 39
about female ejaculation, 77
about foreplay, 64
about intimacy over orgasm, 9, 10, 13
about masturbation, 42
about quickies, 119
about rear-entry position, 9
about vibrators, 42
N
New Relationship Euphoria (NREU), 98
O
office call, 90
oral sex, 78–85
blow job. See blow job
cunnilingus. See cunnilingus
as foreplay, 64
people’s best experience, 82
swallowing, 85
orgasm a day (women), 42
Orgasm Loop (O Loop), 120, 126–131
explanation of creation of, 128–129
focus energy during foreplay, 130
men and, 131
staying in, 131
steps, 129–130
tip, 129
visualize arousal before lovemaking, 129–130
orgasms, about her, 92–103
anal orgasm, 100
blended, 100
cervix as trigger, 94
clitoral orgasm, 99
defining, 97
difference from his, 134
ease variation among women, 102
educated with money women and, 100
expanding, 24, 147
experience of best, 96
extra-genital orgasm, 100
faking, 103
feeling good reasons, 98
key to reaching, 106–107
men on, 102
pressure orgasm, 97
reason for having, 96
types of, 99–100
vaginal/cervix orgasm, 99
vaginal/G-spot orgasm, 100
orgasms, his, 132–139
categories, 135
counting the strokes, 137
definition, 134
delaying, 136, 137
difference from her’s, 134
dry, 136
ejaculation, without, 135
expanding, 147
G-spot, 136, 137
on her body experiences, 138
imminence determination, 137
inevitable reasons for, 134
masturbation, 134, 135
multiple, 135
outside-your-body experience, 139
paths to, 135
spiking, 138, 139
stimuli, alternating, 137
three-finger draw, 136
outercourse, 89
P
P-zone, 59, 60, 135, 136
Passion Flower, 154
passion killers, 18
PC muscle. See pubococcygeus muscle
pelvic bounce, 66
pelvic thrust, 66
perineum. See P-zone
positions for orgasm, 104–114
anal sex, 123
basic six, 107–114
C.A.T., adapted, 145
determining best, 106
experiment, 107
favorites, 108
female superior position, 60, 106, 107–108
flying V, 107
manual stimulation in any position, 106
missionary position, 60, 106, 110
oval track move, 108
rear-entry position, 111
reverse cowgirl, 107, 108
scissors, 147
side-by-side position, 111
sitting position, 112
standing position, 114
Woman Acting the Part of Man, 60
Yabyum, 60
problems, big three, 16
public foreplay, 88
public places sex experiences, 118
pubococcygeus muscle
delaying orgasm and, 137
expanding his orgasm and, 147
female superior position and flexing of, 108
finding best position and, 106
flexing during intercourse, 131
flexing while thinking yourself off, 36
Kabbazah, and, 150
Karezza and, 150
Kegels and, 20, 135
Kundalini yoga and, 26
pelvic twists and, 22
spiking his orgasm and, 138, 139
vaginal/cervix orgasm and, 99
Q
quickies
assumption about, 118
essentials, 120
making it work for females also, 119–120
myths and misconceptions, 119
tip, 120
R
R-area, 59, 60
raphe. See R-area
rear-entry position, 9, 111
reverse cowgirl position, 107, 108
S
sacred sex, achieving, 140–154
are you there yet question, 155
expanding orgasms, 147
experiences with Tantric path, 146
extra-genital orgasm, 153
games, 148, 150
Kabbazah, 150
Karezza, 148, 150
Passion Flower, 154
simultaneous orgasm. See simultaneous orgasm
staying on the edge, 147
Tantric kiss, 152, 154
Tantric twist, 146
techniques to slow him down and speed her up, 146–147
whole body orgasm, 152
Yabyum, 153–154
sex and relationships, 34
Shag Workout, 22–24
side-by-side position, 111
simultaneous orgasm, 142–145
C.A.T. position, adapted, 145
experiences, 144
keys to, 142
ladies first question, 144, 145
stretch out foreplay and, 142, 144
techniques, 142, 144, 145
sitting position, 112
size difference question, 85
standing position, 114
stress and orgasms, 42
striptease, 89
stroking and touching, 70–72
swallowing, 85
T
Tantric
experiences, 146
kiss, 152, 153, 154
twist, 146
teasing, 66
think yourself off (women), 36
touching and stroking, 70–72
toys. See anal toys; vibrators
U
U-spot (urethra-spot), 45, 60
V
vaginal/cervix orgasm, 99
vaginal/G-spot orgasm, 100
verbal tease, 66
vibrators, 42–43, 48–49
anal, 123
Butterfly, 49
cock ring, 112
Eroscillator 2, 48
expanding her orgasm and, 147
finding G-spot with, 100
Fukuoku 9000, 49
G-spot attachments, 49
G-spot discovery with, 44
G Swirl, 49
Hitachi Magic Wand, 48
introduction of, 16
Kegel exercise with, 21
Laya Spot, 49
mutual masturbation and, 52
myths and misinformation, 42
OhMiBod, 49
photograph of, 43
Pocket Rocket, 49, 120
Rabbit, 49
reason for, 48
side-by-side position and, 111
sitting position and, 112
Sweetheart, 49
Talking Head, 49
Water Dancer, 49
visual tease, 66
W
whole body orgasm, 152
Woman Acting the Part of Man position, 60
women versus men thinking about sex, 37
women versus men’s orgasms, 12
Y
Yabyum, 60, 153–154
yoga, 18
health benefits, 28
Kundalini, 26–28, 66, 130, 152
sexuality and, 18
therapists’ use of, 28
Text © 2008 by Susan Crain Bakos
Photography © 2008 Quiver
12 11 10 09 08 12345
ISBN-13: 978-1-59233-281-6
ISBN-10: 1-59233-281-1
eISBN-13: 978-1-6167-3775-7