Once Up A Time There Were Three Monkeys

Once up a time there were three monkeys.
Daddy monkey,
Mummy monkey and Baby monkey. They lived in a tree on the
plains in Africa. There was not much to do in their tree, they were
bored.
“I’m bored" said Baby monkey.
“Let’s go shopping," said Mummy monkey.
“Don’t be stupid," said Daddy monkey, “we’ve not got any cash."
“We don’t need cash," replied Mummy monkey. “We’re monkeys."
“Now that is a good point," said Daddy monkey.
“So how do we get into town?" asked Baby monkey.
“Get the bus of course. How else. We can’t drive a car," replied
dad.
“A number 44, should be along fairly soon," said Mummy monkey.

“We could get that. It goes right into the centre of the city."
The monkeys wandered over to the bus top avoiding the lions who
were looking very hungry that morning and waited for a bus.
Soon enough a number 44 came along and they jumped on.
“Fairs please," said the driver.
The monkeys just ignored the driver as they didn’t have the
correct change, because they didn’t have pockets because they
were monkeys.
Have you ever noticed the handles on straps on buses that hang
down from the rails on buses? That’s in case the bus ever stops in
Africa and monkeys want to get on. Or South America, there are
monkeys there and they have prehensile tails which means they
can hang from them using their tails. However I have digressed.
The monkeys started swinging on the straps as monkeys are

inclined to do. After all they are monkeys, but not using their tails
as they were African monkeys.
“Oi," said the driver. “Monkeys stop that!"
The monkeys being monkeys just ignored the driver, after all they
never do anything a human tells them. That’s why they don’t
make good pets. So children never ask your mummy or daddy for
a pet monkey. It will just wreck your house. Oops I’ve digressed
again.
The driver stopped the bus, they were still in the middle of the
savannah. “Right monkeys, off the bus," the driver shouted.
The monkeys jumped out of a window, as the driver was looking

quite angry. The window had been left open because it was a
really hot day, which it often is in Africa.
The three monkeys then went and sat on the roof. The driver
didn’t notice what the monkeys had done and soon the bus
started off again. The monkeys could hear the driver mutter ruse
words like ‘poo’ under his breath.
“Hey look" Baby Monkey shouted.
“What?" replied Mummy monkey.
“There’s some giraffes"
“Well yes you get giraffes in Africa," Daddy monkey replied.
“Why don’t we get any near our tree?"
“The lions scare them off."
“Can’t we ask the lions not to eat them?"
“Well we don’t want the giraffes coming and eating our leaves do
we?"
“I suppose not," Baby monkey replied.
Soon they reached the city centre and spotted a particularly large
shop.
“I want to go shopping in there," said Mummy monkey pointing to

that large department store and jumping off the bus’ roof.
“What are you going to get?" asked Daddy following.
“Shoes and a dress, I’m a lady monkey. What else do ladies get in
the shops?
“What are you going to get?" she asked.
“Don’t know," perhaps the latest Manchester United top.
“Man United, I didn’t know you liked football. Anyway, we don’t

live in Manchester, we live in Africa."
“Most Manchester supporters don’t live in Manchester."
“Yes but you should support a local team?"
“Such as?"
“I don’t know what they’re called but some of the gazelles have
taken to kicking some stones about."
“It’s hardly the same is it?"
“No I suppose not, so what else are you going to get?"
“A big, flat screen telly."
“So how are you going to get that home?"
“On the bus of course."
“We don’t have anywhere to plug it in, I don’t know if you’d

noticed but there aren’t many sockets in our tree."
“I’m going to get a solar powered one."
“What about at night when the Man U are playing

in the Champions league."
“We’ll have to record it," Daddy monkey said and went and hung
from a light fitting.
“What can I get," asked Baby Monkey.
“Whatever you like," replied his mother.
“I want a comic and an ice cream ‘cause I’m hot and I want a
radio controlled helicopter to annoy the lions with and a lot of
lego to build a tree just like our, so we can live in a lego tree and
I want car and a train set and a Barbie doll."
“What do you want a Barbie for?" Daddy asked from his light.
“Let him have a Barbie," mother said.
“Cause she’s a monkey doctor, that’s her new job." Baby added,
“Monkey doctor.
She can cure you if you get an itchy bottom."
“I never get an itchy bottom." Daddy Monkey replied indignantly.
“Why do you keep scratching it then?" Mother asked.
“I’m a monkey, monkeys are supposed to scratch their bottoms."
Mummy monkey was no longer listening, she had spotted a pair of

shoes and like most females, all thoughts went out of her brain at
the sight of some shiny new shoes.
“I’m having those shoes," she said.
“Of course dear," Daddy monkey replied looking round the shop
for some football tops and televisions.
Mummy monkey ran over and grabbed the shoes, but she was a
monkey and had size one feet, whereas the shoes were size four
and they didn’t fit so as soon as she tried them on they just fell
off.
Try stuffing a newspaper in them?" Father suggested.
“Oh good idea,"
Mummy monkey go a copy of Hello, and used the latest celebrity

wedding to keep her shoes on.
“This isn’t a funny comic." Baby monkey said picking up what he

thought was a comic.
“That’s because it’s the News of the Word," Daddy replied.

“They’re difficult to tell apart. Comics have better stories though."
“Oh no we’ve been rumbled." He shouted as he saw a group of
humans coming towards them. Let’s scarper."
Mummy monkey raced after her monkey husband in her three-

inch high stilettos with pages of hello trailing after her. They ran
through to the next department, perfume.
“Oh I have to try these," she said.
Bouncing off the counters the three monkeys jumped and grabbed
perfume bottles from the orange faced women. Each one was
hastily applied by Mummy monkey and so Britney Spears’ latest
concoction soon mingled with parfum de monkey in an
everincreasing assault to the nose.
Still being chased by an increasing number of humans the

monkeys then ran through into the women’s clothing department,
which took up sixty percent of the store, and Mummy monkey
grabbed a small black cocktail dress as she bounced past.
The monkeys ran out of the store and onto the top of a number
27 bus going past.
“There’s a 44 going back to our tree." Daddy shouted as bus went

past in the opposite direction. The three monkeys jumped from
the top of one bus to the other bus.
Mummy monkey nearly dropped her Hello covered shoes as they

did. An hour later the monkeys were sitting in their tree. Daddy
monkey hadn’t got his solar powered, flat screen telly or his
football top.
Baby Monkey had got a rubbish comic that wasn’t what he really
wanted. Mummy Monkey had got a nice black dress, a pair of
shoes that don’t quite fit and some perfume.
So all in all a pretty normal shopping trip then.

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Once up a time there were three monkeys.

“I’m bored" said Baby monkey.

“Let’s go shopping," said Mummy monkey.

“We don’t need cash," replied Mummy monkey. “We’re monkeys."

“Now that is a good point," said Daddy monkey.

“So how do we get into town?" asked Baby monkey.

“A number 44, should be along fairly soon," said Mummy monkey.

Soon enough a number 44 came along and they jumped on.

“Fairs please," said the driver.

The monkeys started swinging on the straps as monkeys are

“Oi," said the driver. “Monkeys stop that!"

The monkeys jumped out of a window, as the driver was looking

“Hey look" Baby Monkey shouted.

“What?" replied Mummy monkey.

“There’s some giraffes"

“Well yes you get giraffes in Africa," Daddy monkey replied.

“Why don’t we get any near our tree?"

“The lions scare them off."

“Can’t we ask the lions not to eat them?"

“I suppose not," Baby monkey replied.

“I want to go shopping in there," said Mummy monkey pointing to

“What are you going to get?" asked Daddy following.

“Don’t know," perhaps the latest Manchester United top.

“Man United, I didn’t know you liked football. Anyway, we don’t

“Most Manchester supporters don’t live in Manchester."

“Yes but you should support a local team?"

“It’s hardly the same is it?"

“No I suppose not, so what else are you going to get?"

“A big, flat screen telly."

“So how are you going to get that home?"

“On the bus of course."

“We don’t have anywhere to plug it in, I don’t know if you’d

“I’m going to get a solar powered one."

“What about at night when the Man U are playing

“What can I get," asked Baby Monkey.

“Whatever you like," replied his mother.

“Let him have a Barbie," mother said.

She can cure you if you get an itchy bottom."

“I never get an itchy bottom." Daddy Monkey replied indignantly.

“Why do you keep scratching it then?" Mother asked.

“I’m a monkey, monkeys are supposed to scratch their bottoms."

Mummy monkey was no longer listening, she had spotted a pair of

“I’m having those shoes," she said.

Try stuffing a newspaper in them?" Father suggested.

“Oh good idea,"

Mummy monkey go a copy of Hello, and used the latest celebrity

“This isn’t a funny comic." Baby monkey said picking up what he

“That’s because it’s the News of the Word," Daddy replied.

Mummy monkey raced after her monkey husband in her three-

“Oh I have to try these," she said.

Still being chased by an increasing number of humans the

“There’s a 44 going back to our tree." Daddy shouted as bus went

Mummy monkey nearly dropped her Hello covered shoes as they

So all in all a pretty normal shopping trip then.

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