Intimacy Educator: Teaching Through Touch - By: Caffyn Jesse

Intimacy Educator
Teaching Through Touch
Caffyn Jesse
erospirit
iii
© Caffyn Jesse, 2015, 2020
Caution
The purpose of this book is to educate. The author is an educator and not a therapist.
The book is not intended to give medical advice or psychological therapy. Whenever
there is concern about mental or physical illness, a qualified medical professional
should be consulted.
Designed by Mark Hand.
www.erospirit.ca
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CONTENTS
List of Illustrations................................................................. 10
Tables..................................................................................... 11
Exercises................................................................................. 11
Preface................................................................................... 13
Introduction........................................................................... 15
Sexual Healing........................................................................ 21
The three-legged stool of sexual healing................................................21
Learning to Choose Pleasure................................................................22
Empowering Choice and Voice.............................................................23
Sexual Healing through Bodywork.......................................................23
Healing our Relationship with Sexual Energy......................................26
Accessing Full Embodiment.................................................... 29

Breath....................................................................................................31
Sound....................................................................................................32
Movement.............................................................................................32
Imagination...........................................................................................33
Love......................................................................................................34
Mindful Erotic Practice.........................................................................36
Exercises for Accessing Full Embodiment............................................36
Exercise 1: Prana Pump with the Pelvic Diaphragm .........................36
Exercise 2: Wand of Light.............................................................39
Exercise 3: Catch Fire...................................................................39
Exercise 4: The Microcosmic Orbit...................................................39
Exercise 5: Chakra Vibrations........................................................41
Resources...............................................................................................42
Sensual Massage..................................................................... 43
How to Touch.......................................................................................45
Sensual Massage is not Therapeutic Massage........................................47
Preparations...........................................................................................48
Basic Massage Strokes...........................................................................49
Massage Ergonomics.............................................................................51
Knowing When Not to Massage...........................................................52
Exercise 6: A Basic Massage Routine...............................................53
Exercise 7: Breast Massage ...........................................................54
Resources...............................................................................................56
Touching Women................................................................... 57
Introduction..........................................................................................57
The Vulva: Anatomy .............................................................................59
Exercise 8: Vulva Mapping...........................................................65
Resources...............................................................................................67
Orgasm Coaching for Women................................................. 69

Clitoral Glans Orgasm..........................................................................70
Full Clitoral Complex Orgasm(s)..........................................................71
Vaginal Orgasms...................................................................................75
Sacred Spot Massage.............................................................................75
Squirting Orgasms................................................................................76
Blended Orgasms..................................................................................78
A-Spot Orgasms...................................................................................78
Anal Orgasms........................................................................................78
Valley Orgasms......................................................................................79
Three Sacred Waters of Female Arousal................................................79
Expanded orgasms.................................................................................80
Exercise 9: Expand Orgasms with Breath........................................80
Tips for the non-orgasmic.....................................................................82
Conclusion............................................................................................82
Resources...............................................................................................83
Approaches to Vulva Touch..................................................... 85

Mindful Erotic Practice Ritual..............................................................85
Exercise 10: Erotic Ritual for Women..............................................86
Taoist Erotic Massage...........................................................................87
Exercise 11: Taoist Erotic Massage for Women..................................88
Pelvic Opening Massage.......................................................................93
Exercise 12: Pelvic Opening Massage..............................................94
Healing Touch Meditation....................................................................96
Exercise 13: Healing Touch Meditation...........................................96
Standing G-Spot Massage: A 10-Step Technique..............................100
Exercise 14: Standing G-Spot Massage .........................................101
Resources ............................................................................................103
Touching Men...................................................................... 105

Introduction........................................................................................105
Male Genital Anatomy ......................................................................106
Arousal and Erection...........................................................................111
Exercise 15: Mapping the Male Genitals........................................111
Conclusion..........................................................................................113
Resources.............................................................................................114
Orgasm Coaching for Men.................................................... 115

Basic Ejaculatory Orgasm ..................................................................115
Expanded Orgasmic Sensation............................................................116
Separating Orgasm and Ejaculation....................................................116
Orgasmic Events.................................................................................117
Soft Penis Orgasms.............................................................................118
Anal Orgasms......................................................................................119
Sound Orgasms...................................................................................120
Three Sacred Waters of Male Arousal.................................................121
Letting Go of the Agenda of Orgasm.................................................122
Resources.............................................................................................122
Approaches to Touching Penises............................................ 123

Exercise 16: Exploring Inner Aliveness .........................................123
Create an Erotic Ritual.......................................................................124
Exercise 17: Erotic Ritual for Men...............................................124
Taoist Erotic Massage for Men...........................................................125
Exercise 18: Taoist Erotic Massage for Men....................................126
Resources.............................................................................................132
Touching Gender.................................................................. 133

Challenging Gender Assumptions......................................................133
Gender Identity, Gender Expression, Biological Sex
and Who We are Attracted To.......................................................135
Working with Gender-Variant People.................................................137
Conclusion..........................................................................................140
Resources.............................................................................................141
Anal Massage........................................................................ 143
Encountering the “Electric Fence”.......................................................143
Before you start: Precautions about anal exploration...........................145
Anal Anatomy ....................................................................................145
Exercise 19: Anal Mapping.........................................................148
Conclusion..........................................................................................151
Resources.............................................................................................151
References...........................................................................................152
Healing Painful Sex............................................................... 153

Exercise 20: Fascial Unwinding...................................................155
Exercise 21: Scar Tissue Massage..................................................156
Case Studies........................................................................................158
Circumcision Scars..............................................................................159
Peyronie’s Disease................................................................................160
Conclusion..........................................................................................161
Resources.............................................................................................161
References...........................................................................................162
Soft Restraint and

Bold Sensation...................................................................... 163
Negotiation.........................................................................................165
Safe Words and Check-ins..................................................................166
Precautions..........................................................................................166
Restraint..............................................................................................167
Rough Handling.................................................................................167
Sensation Toys.....................................................................................168
Aftercare..............................................................................................168
Resources.............................................................................................168
References...........................................................................................169
Communal Erotic Experience................................................ 171

Resources.............................................................................................173
References...........................................................................................173
Ecstatic Embodiment............................................................ 175

What is Sexual Energy?......................................................................175
Coming Home to the Body ................................................................176
Addressing Shame and Fear................................................................177
Empowering Choices and Boundaries................................................178
Transforming Gender .........................................................................179
Tantric Practices..................................................................................179
Taoist Practices....................................................................................182
What is Sacred Intimacy?....................................................................183
Resources.............................................................................................184
References...........................................................................................185
Professional Ethics and Boundaries....................................... 187

Create a safe container........................................................................187
Understand the potential for harm......................................................188
Refrain from Exploitation...................................................................189
Understand the paradigm of romance and relationship.......................190
Avoid shaming a client’s desires..........................................................190
Avoid dual relationships......................................................................191
Represent honestly the benefits and limitations of treatment..............191
Right to Privacy...................................................................................191
Maintain Continuing Competency.....................................................192
Don’t Mix Bodily Fluids!.....................................................................192
Resources.............................................................................................192
References...........................................................................................192
Appendix: Erotic Massage Strokes......................................... 193

Breast Massage Strokes.......................................................................193
Vulva Massage Strokes........................................................................195
Penis Massage Strokes.........................................................................198
Anal Massage Strokes.........................................................................201
I N T I M A C Y E D U C AT O R
List of Illustrations
Figure 1. The 3-legged stool of sexual healing. ......................................................................22
Figure 2. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, female.................................................................37
Figure 3. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, male...................................................................38
Figure 4. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, visualized from a viewpoint inside the body......38
Figure 5. The Microcosmic Orbit for the circulation of energy..............................................40
Figure 6. The Chakras............................................................................................................40
Figure 7. Parts of the external vulva.......................................................................................59
Figure 8. Female genital anatomy, saggital view.....................................................................60
Figure 8b. Female genital anatomy, saggital view, showing engorgement of erectile tissues...61
Figure 9. Female Genital Anatomy, showing changes with arousal and engorgement...........62
Figure 10. The erectile tissue of the clitoris, unengorged.......................................................62
Figure 10b. External vulva, unaroused...................................................................................63
Figure 11. The erectile tissue of the clitoris, engorged...........................................................63
Figure 11b. External vulva. Changes in the external vulva with arousal and engorgement....72
Figure 12. Anatomy of female arousal showing the “G-Spot” or Urethral Sponge................72
Figure 13. The anatomy of female arousal, showing the “A-Spot,” “P-Spot” and “U-Spot.”.....72
Figure 14. The anatomy of female arousal showing innervation of the vulva by the
pudendal nerve....................................................................................................................73
Figure 15. The anatomy of female arousal showing innervation of the genitals and
surrounding areas................................................................................................................74
Figure 16. Male external genitalia.......................................................................................108

Figure 17. Male pelvis, saggital view....................................................................................109
Figures 18a, b & c. Male genital anatomy showing external changes with arousal and
engorgement.....................................................................................................................110
Figure 19. Male pelvic innervation......................................................................................120

Figure 20. Anal sphincters....................................................................................................147
Figure 21. Prostate massage..................................................................................................147
Figure 22. Vulva anatomy.....................................................................................................195
Figure 23. Penis anatomy......................................................................................................198
Figure 24. Anus and Rectum, showing Prostate Gland.......................................................201
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Tables
Table 1. Embodiment tools................................................................................... 31
Table 2. Table describing arousal levels, for men................................................. 117
Table 3. The Chakras and Sexual Energy............................................................ 181
Exercises
Exercise 1: Prana Pump with the Pelvic Diaphragm............................................. 36
Exercise 2: Wand of Light..................................................................................... 39
Exercise 3: Catch Fire........................................................................................... 39
Exercise 4: The Microcosmic Orbit....................................................................... 39
Exercise 5: Chakra Vibrations............................................................................... 41
Exercise 6: A Basic Massage Routine.................................................................... 53
Exercise 7: Breast Massage.................................................................................... 54
Exercise 8: Vulva Mapping.................................................................................... 65
Exercise 9 a, b, c & d: Expand Orgasms with Breath............................................ 80
Exercise 10: Erotic Ritual for Women................................................................... 86
Exercise 11: Taoist Erotic Massage for Women.................................................... 88
Exercise 12: Pelvic Opening Massage................................................................... 94
Exercise 13: Healing Touch Meditation................................................................ 96
Exercise 14: Standing G-Spot Massage.............................................................. 101
Exercise 15: Mapping the Male Genitals............................................................ 111
Exercise 16: Exploring Inner Aliveness............................................................... 123
Exercise 17: Erotic Ritual for Men...................................................................... 124
Exercise 18: Taoist Erotic Massage for Men....................................................... 126
Exercise 19: Anal Mapping................................................................................. 148
Exercise 20: Fascial Unwinding........................................................................... 155
Exercise 21: Scar Tissue Massage........................................................................ 156
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Preface
PREFACE
T his book began as a textbook for my “Intimacy Education”

program, a 6-day residential training program for people who
want to practice erotic massage. I developed the program in response
to repeated requests from people who felt called to work or play with
others in this way, and who recognized the need for mentoring and
guidance. The book will support you, step-by-step, in practicing erotic
massage with both ethics and passion. It is also a resource for all who
want to deepen and expand erotic well-being, heal sexual trauma or
dysfunction, or simply put an end forever to boring sex.
My own healing from sexual trauma shapes my personal approach.
Like many traumatized people, I used to feel chronically unsafe in my
own skin. For many years now, erotic massage has been an important
way for me to reconnect with my body and heal trauma imprints. As
colleague Mehdi Naimi describes it, “The soul feels unsafe in a fright-
ened body.” This bodywork breathes courage into us, “preparing the
body to be a home for the soul again.”
The more I come home to my body, the more I can explore the tech-
nologies of ecstasy. I am continually awed by the joys we are capable of
feeling through erotic touch. I am awed by the power of the erotic to
generate happiness and freedom, in all areas of our lives.
Erotic massage is a profound and important way to cultivate erotic
energy. But without clear boundaries, compassion and understanding,
awakening erotic energy in this way can be confusing and painful.This
book offers guidelines for both giving and receiving.
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My clients and students have taught me so much, and their courage,

integrity and inventiveness inspire all I do. I am a Certified Somatic
Sex Educator and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, and this book
will serve as an introduction to the practice of Somatic Sex Educa-
tion. It draws on the teachings included in the Sexological Bodywork
program created by Joseph Kramer, which I have taught in since 2012.
You will find his video resources an invaluable supplement to what
I have written, as mentioned in relevant chapters. Other important
mentors include Dr. Betty Martin, Elfi “Emaya” Dillon Shaw, Ellen
Heed and Dr. Liam Snowdon. I owe so much to my fellow erotic ed-
ucators, teachers and colleagues in this work.
In this book you will learn about sexual healing, erotic energy cul-
tivation, and varieties of sensual and erotic massage. I give stroke-by-
stroke instructions for pleasuring vulvas and penises in a variety of
ways, plus two chapters on orgasm coaching techniques that can vastly
expand the orgasmic capacity of women, men, and those who are both
or neither. In addition I offer a toolbox of massage techniques rang-
ing from scar tissue healing to spanking. Tantric and Taoist systems
of sexual cultivation, along with Western sexology, are resources for
practice. You will read my strong views on boundaries, safety, and the
ethics of practice, and be offered exercises and approaches that help to
empower massage recipients’ choice and voice. Beautiful illustrations
I created with artist S. Murali Shanmugam will teach the specifics of
pelvic, genital and anal anatomy you need to know in order to offer
competent and thrilling erotic touch.
Sex is an area where so many of us feel wounded. Shame, violence,
and dreary habits of sexual expression (or the absence of it) wreak
havoc on our erotic well-being. There is so much untapped capacity
for pleasure in our bodies and our lives. Erotic energy can nourish
us physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually—whether we are
with or without an “ideal partner.” With knowledgeable practice, erot-
ic massage provides an ideal environment for healing and learning. I
wish you much relaxed savoring and excited arousal in an expanded,
blissful life.
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Introduction
INTRODUCTION
T ears poured down my cheeks as I told Marianna, “I just want

my genitals to be touched with healing intent.” I ached to explore
my sexuality, but receiving genitally-focused sexual touch from a lover
didn’t feel possible, or inviting. I wanted genital touch that was slow
and careful, that aimed to soothe and awaken. I wanted an integration
of sexually-sensitive areas with my whole body.
Marianna paid attention to creating a container for the experience.
Her little house was clean, bright, airy and private. She carefully locked
the door behind me. She did a smudging and blessing. She showed me
a Mary Magdelene icon—her patron saint, the sacred whore—and
gave me a beautiful rose. These acts and objects functioned to frame
the experience as a transformative and sacred ceremony, a space and
time of enhanced safety, freedom, care, permission and choice.
Marianna helped me hold my attention on my breath throughout
the massage, and this kept me anchored in my body—as much as I
could be at that time, when my lifelong habit was dissociation. We
began with me lying on my belly. I felt safe. It was lovely how she
leaned her weight into me and I could feel her body against mine.
Her skillful massage was relaxing and enlivening. Usually I crave a
very deep touch—perhaps because it helps me stay present—but her
lighter pressure felt perfect in this moment. Her breath on my back
and my ass was a delicious counterpoint to her hands. As she stroked
my whole body I felt my muscles—and my fears—release. When she
first put her hand on my vulva from behind—just placed it there—I
15
was ready. I felt the erotic energy streaming in.

So often I get shut down, numbed out or dissociated from this
wonderful force—what is it? Power, energy, sweet feelingness, soften-
ing and opening, joy and aliveness. It is rooted deep in my body and
yet not-me; it is a greater power.
By the time I turned over onto my back, I felt able to be that open
and vulnerable. Leaning over me with her hand underneath, pulling,
lifting, and rolling, Marianna communicated a commitment to my
body and my pleasure with her touch. At my vulva she held still for
awhile, touching without friction, and invited me to breathe into her
hand. Memorable genital strokes included deep pressure on the bones,
slapping and vibrating the pubic mound, and pressing the labia to-
gether. It was so good, to feel a release of my chronic pelvic clench.
Marianna asked whether I wanted any internal touch—the ques-
tion in itself a part of switching the paradigm from “penetration” to
“drawing in.” As a trauma survivor I need to learn how to find and
communicate the nuances of yes and no in my erotic responses. How
empowering it felt to be listened to as I haltingly articulated what I
wanted, as I slowly learned to feel my way into what that was.
With Marianna’s finger inside me I felt derailed by a familiar pain.
Catching my body’s clench, she stayed still, and allowed me to slowly
open. The pain released, and I could move against her hand. With
deep breathing and genital touch I felt waves of erotic energy coursing
through my body, up my torso and through my arms and hands. I felt
held in all the untouched places, stimulated and opened to wave after
wave of this energy and power. I used my breath to achieve a sense of
climax, releasing and letting go. She stayed with me, until I wanted
more. I felt another climax, not exactly an orgasm but a force-field,
shaking every fiber of my being.
Marianna kept her hand inside as I came down, detumesced. I felt
my body and my heart so open. I was living a deep connection with
ancestors, animals, lovers, and the earth.
On the long drive home afterwards, I felt so expanded, peaceful
and vulnerable. I felt myself part of a circle of love and healing. I was
16
Introduction
wise, free, powerful, joyful, gigantic. I was weepy and tender, daring
and powerful. I felt solitary and secret, and yet deeply touched and
reconnected with the world. I understood with my body and my spirit
that I could shed the habit of smallness, and become all of who I am.
Later the next day I grieved as I felt the pelvic clench returning, the
openness and lovingness becoming attenuated. What a gift, to know
and live the difference.
I have seen many different “sacred intimates” over the years. The
concept of sacred intimacy is ancient. In many indigenous and ancient
cultures, people were available for sexual encounters in ritual space.
These “sacred prostitutes” helped others to return from war, come of
age, and weave together sex and soul. The expression “sacred intimate”
is recent, devised by Joseph Kramer in the 1990’s when he was working
with advanced students at the Body Electric School. The expression
and its early roots resonated deeply with me as I explored this uncon-
ventional healing path, and found my teachers and guides.
I am still learning to release held pain, shame, habitual numbness,
and my chronically cramped pelvic floor. I am learning to stay present
to my body’s capacity for sexual feeling without needing to judge it,
stifle it, or make a story out of it. I am learning how to separate my
erotic responses from sticky attachments to any one person or situa-
tion. Through joyful and empowering body experiences, I am integrat-
ing the knowledge I need in order to make more life-affirming choices
about sex.
My childhood included sexual molestation and violence. The desig-
nation of gender felt like another kind of violence, a paring away of ca-
pacities. My earliest chosen sexual experiences were a combination of
shame-filled reticence and shameless sluttishness. Impaired by trauma,
I could not speak my needs or trust my pleasures. I had no language for
my desire and no community to support its expressions.
Once the dust settled, I felt horrified by the way my sexuality had
appeared again and again in “bad” choices and experiences. It scared
me. I wanted to shut down and settle down, and I chose to step into
a long-term relationship where our sexual connection was polite and
17
unadventurous to begin with, and eventually dwindled into nothing-

ness. I didn’t miss the excitement. I felt glad to be done with all the
messiness. My sexuality was shut down, frozen and numb.
I was in my forties when sex surprised me. I began having regular
massages. With regular, skillful touch my body began to come alive. I
felt possessed by an unfamiliar and inconvenient erotic energy. I expe-
rienced the power of this energy, like a fire of aliveness burning inside
me. But with the feelings of sexual awakening came shame, fear, grief,
and a flood of body-memories of the violence I had endured as a child.
The massages were disturbing layers of scar tissue that talk therapy had
never managed to touch. Despite the inexperience and insensitivity
of the massage therapist, our sessions had initiated a process of deep
healing.
I needed more. If the world of Sacred Intimates had not existed, I
would have had to invent it. I wanted touch that would help me to
integrate sexual energy. I wanted guides who could stay present for the
emotions unfolding along the bridge touch made between my con-
scious and unconscious. Could this fire of erotic energy be something
that empowered my life and work? Would it destroy? Impelled by my
own need for healing and wholeness, I went looking for practitioners
who would massage the whole body, including the genitals, in a ther-
apeutic way. In those early days of my journey, pleasure was scarcely
part of the picture.
I found Sacred Intimates, Tantra teachers, Somatic Sex Education
and Sexological Bodywork. I found a host of people who are inventing
and practicing ways to harness the power of touch for sexual healing.
I peeled away layers of fear, pain, shame and grief to find a deep well
of pleasure. I learned, very slowly, to accept sexual touch, communicate
desire, and stay present to waves and floods of deep feeling. I learned,
through teachers and books and then my own body, that sexual energy
could be a visceral experience of the divine.
Moreover, I learned all this without falling in love or threatening
my long-term relationship. Nobody had to find me attractive or choose
me for sex. Indeed, I know I could never have explored and developed
18
Introduction
my erotic capacity in a conventional sexual relationship. I needed the

safe container of erotic massage and one-way touch to overcome the
habit of dissociation and work through the trauma embedded in my
body.
The community of erotic pioneers where I found this healing felt
to me like home. To join them was my joy and my calling. I studied
and practiced and eventually began to work as a Sacred Intimate. I
earned a certification in Sex Education from the Institute for Ad-
vanced Study in Human Sexuality, and became a certified Somatic
Sex Educator and a Sexological Bodyworker. Along the way I found
tools and techniques in ancient traditions and western sexology. And I
developed a practice offering erotic massage to diverse clients.
In addition to my work with individuals and couples, I now teach
erotic massage to advanced students, both at the Canadian Somatic
Sex Education training and in small workshops at my studio on Salt
Spring Island. I am a passionate advocate of erotic massage, because
I have witnessed many miracles emerging through this bodywork.
Through the work and play of erotic massage, we can bring joy to each
other and our world. When offered with appropriate safeguards and
clear boundaries, erotic massage allows us to access sexual energy at
our own pace. We can learn to feel erotic energy fully and freely, and
in this learning, find our way home.
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Sexual Healing
SEXUAL HEALING
E rotic massage can be an arena of profound healing from the

wounds of sexual abuse, and from the toxic shame surrounding
sex and sexual identity that leaves no one in our society unmarked.
Whether consciously or not, the practitioner of erotic massage will
be actively engaged in sexual healing work, or else actively retrauma-
tizing massage recipients. Chapters of this book offer step-by-step in-
structions for giving erotic massage, but if practitioners follow these
instructions without regard for individual processes of sexual healing,
they will certainly do harm.
The three-legged stool of sexual healing
Clients who have experienced sexual trauma need space to safely

explore sexual feeling in an embodied way. They need to physically
experience their efficacy and power in response to erotic feelings that
once signaled their helplessness and violation.
I have developed a model for working with clients that I call the
three-legged stool of sexual healing. One, I encourage clients to learn
to choose pleasure. Two, we work playfully to empower their choice
and voice in erotic situations. Thirdly, we do various exercises to help
them access full embodiment. Each of these “legs” supports the other.
If one element is missing, the structure cannot stand.
21
Figure 1. The 3-legged stool of sexual healing is a useful model for multiple approaches
to working with people who have experienced sexual trauma.
Learning to Choose Pleasure
It sounds funny, but we often need to learn to choose pleasure. Suf-

fering can be more familiar, and hence more “comfortable,” than joy.
In small and large ways, we can learn and practice choices that en-
gender joy in us. We can experience the unfamiliarity of choosing the
heartfelt “yes” within us—whether for wholesome food, a sunshiny day,
a person who supports our spirit, a quality of touch, or a style of sexual
pleasure. By meeting our clients with love and respect in the area of
sex, where so many feel damage, insufficiency and shame, we guide
them to feeling worthy of pleasure. Then, they need practice actually
choosing pleasure, time and again.
A simple exercise to help a client choose pleasure involves repeat-
edly asking them “What would you prefer?” Invite them to choose the
chair they sit in, the type of tea they drink, and the type and quality of
your touch. Often it can be difficult identifying something so large and
22
Sexual Healing
amorphous as what we want, but we can practice choosing pleasure

based on what we prefer.
Empowering Choice and Voice
We can assume people do not have ready access to choice and voice
around sex.
Cultural silences preclude the possibility of open communication.
Trauma and shame freeze our bodies and disempower our voices. If
clients can learn to speak their truth and ask for what they want in
sexual situations, they will expand their capacity for pleasure.
I encourage clients to intuit their boundaries and practice defend-
ing them. We explore how they can embody a sense of “Yes,” “No,”
“Maybe,” and “I changed my mind.” We might work for many hours
with the question, “How would you like to be touched?” Sinking into
that question and feeling the answer from the inside can be a powerful
learning experience, a way of exploring and developing an expanded
container of consent that increases the possibilities for pleasure. With
patient practice, clients learn to put an end to enduring, and to feel and
speak their truth in erotic exchanges.
Sexual Healing through Bodywork
Do people really heal and learn through the experience of erotic

massage? Perhaps this story of one special client will inform and in-
spire.
Melissa is a woman in her late forties who came from Eastern Can-
ada for a residential retreat on Salt Spring Island. This is part of a
message she left me, when she went home:
“A million thanks couldn’t begin to thank you enough. You have
opened so many doors and taken down so many walls for me. I have
so loved this week with you.”
On her intake form, Melissa said she could not recall a good sexual
experience. She had grown up in a religious environment where sex
23
was sin. She had experienced the trauma of rape within a long-term
relationship, and she felt shame that she had not acted more powerful-
ly to prevent it. Her self-pleasuring practice was desultory. She shrunk
from possibilities for play and pleasure, because of her fears.
Our time together began with conversation about her sexual histo-
ry and desires. Then we explored with actual body experiences how she
could learn to listen to her body—to feel and follow the inner yes, to
trust and express the inner no. I guided her in exploring practices that
can amplify sexual feeling with breath, sound, movement and imagina-
tion, as described in the next chapter. We considered genital anatomy
and mapped our body parts, sharing stories of how we had been hurt,
what felt good, and what we wanted for the future of our vulvas. We
explored what stopped Melissa from giving herself whole-heartedly to
pleasure—as she felt into her distractions, shame, fear, and physiolog-
ical inhibitions. She practiced giving mindful attention to the cascade
of body sensation that is generated by sensual and erotic touch. We
found touch that connected her with grief and fear she needed to ex-
press. As she trusted me more, she dared to share fantasies that seemed
shameful, and we investigated how she might translate troublesome
turn-ons into desires that could be explored in life-affirming, playful
ways. We followed the question “How would you like to be touched?”
in small 2-minute increments, and then expanded into longer sessions.
Melissa had day after day of practice listening to her body, expressing
desire, being listened to, following her joy, tracking her distractions,
and feeling into how she was resourced and resourceful in this realm.
A world of possibility could open up for her, because this was not the-
ory. This was actual, embodied experience.
We carry our life histories in our bodies. Experiences, anxieties and
freedoms shape gesture, posture, and access to genital feeling. Somatic
practices begin with bringing awareness to sensations, breath, body ex-
pression, body boundaries and moods. We can learn to scan the body,
gaining awareness of emotions and how they are felt as body sensation.
We can learn ways to breathe, move and use voice and gesture that
help us feel more balanced and grounded. We can gain the power to
24
Sexual Healing
shift feelings of fear and habits of dissociation. We can witness and ad-
dress self-limiting contractions, and develop more choice in our bodies
and our being.
Erotic massage, offered within this framework, can guide us from
embodying habit, constraint, and closure in our erotic lives. We can
learn to actually live open lives of flexibility and expansion, wherein
sexual energy is welcomed and cultivated as a wellspring of joy.
“You have opened so many doors and taken down so many walls for
me.” Melissa’s words tell me she has found access to her own courage
and resilience. She can dare to explore and embody erotic freedom,
even in a world that would shame and constrain sexual energy. She
can draw on lived experiences of play and pleasure, communication
and boundary-setting. She has actually tasted her huge capacities for
healing and delight.
Donna Cerio has developed a program for delivering health care to
survivors of sexual abuse through “Intentional Touch.” She notes that
massage therapy has the potential to lift the imprints made by abu-
sive touch and replace them with non-abusive touch, supporting the
client’s sense of self-regard, safety, empowerment and integrity. The
invasion, fragmentation and powerlessness felt by a person who expe-
riences sexual abuse finds an antidote in a therapeutic relationship of
respect, consistency and care.
In this therapeutic relationship, client empowerment is fundamen-
tal. By offering full-body touch within clear, consistent boundaries,
during sessions guided by the client, with attention to empowering
their choice and voice at every step along the way, we offer survivors of
sexual abuse a new beginning and hope.
A young woman who had been severely, repeatedly abused over
many years of her childhood came to work with me for three days. Our
sessions culminated in a massage in which she directed every touch.
She wrote me a long letter afterwards, and I quote it here at length,
because it give such a good window into the power and healing poten-
tial of this work.
“You have a confident, present, loving and gentle touch
25
that was easy for me to trust. I could just focus on me, in-
stead of feeling responsible for you in any way.... Once I got
over my self-consciousness, and my fear of telling someone
what I wanted and liked, and trusted that you would re-
spect it, it was actually really fun and empowering. I actu-
ally stayed fully present in my body for the whole session!
“I feel like even showing up was a huge rite of passage
for me in terms honoring myself and my body. Since the
massage, I have been way more in my power, much more at
home with myself and the world.... I feel more connected
to myself, other people, the Universe and even God. It’s so
powerful and incredible it’s really hard for me to find the
words and keep it concise. There’s been a huge shift for me
and in my life....
“The biggest thing you did for me was help me to re-
move the shame. I feel at peace with who I am, my sexuality,
and exploring this area of my life. It’s becoming an area of
pleasure and play for me and I’m excited to explore more.
I truly don’t know how to thank you as even all this only
skims the surface of what has been going on for me. Thank
you for being there in the way you were for me, for being
willing to continue this work with me in the future, and
for doing what you do. I’m really glad I found you—and
found my self.”
Healing our Relationship with Sexual Energy
Erotic massage can help us heal the cultural relationship with sex-
ual energy, one person at a time.
We create an environment where arousal is welcomed. Sexual en-
ergy is valued as life force energy. Pleasure is prioritized. The recipient
of a massage is invited to choose pleasure, over and over, as the practi-
tioner asks them how they would like to be touched.
An erotic massage invites us to deep embodiment. As touch opens
the heart and soothes the chattering mind, we ask massage recipients
to pay exquisite attention to the torrent of sensation within their bod-
ies. They are invited to build their capacity for sensation, and to anchor
their attention in the body with each breath.
26
Sexual Healing
Erotic massage contradicts moral and cultural proscriptions and

the condemnations that attempt to regulate us with fear and shame. It
supports values that emerge from the experience of pleasure: gratitude,
joy, forgiveness, connection, compassion.
Erotic massage is loving. I do not ever engage in a conventional ro-
mantic relationship with my clients, and indeed the warranty that I do
not is essential to allowing a particular loving relationship to unfold.
I love each person on my table unconditionally, as I care for the body
in all its intricate beauty, as I care for the dappled patterns of dark and
light in each person’s soul. Because I am not entangled in a conven-
tional erotic relationship, I am able to be present with an open, loving
heart to all that is unfolding in each person. My clients respond with
love—not for me, as an individual, but for themselves and all beings.
Through the experience of ecstatic embodiment, we learn to be and
become love.
A man of fifty came to see me because he was feeling his sexual
relationships were repetitive and empty. He wanted to connect sex
and spirit through embodied practice. We did deep pelvic breathing
exercises followed by erotic massage. We saw each other just once, but
he felt his world transformed. Afterwards, he wrote:
“My dear Caffyn,

I really didn’t know what to expect from you…. I had
only bits and half imagined pieces to go on with this sex/
spirit stuff. What is the mystery of the sex/ spirit connec-
tion anyway? Is this going to take months of therapy?
[As our session unfolded] I felt beautiful and perfectly
myself. Relaxed and joyful. Happy. Loved. I took in your
words and began to understand how spirit is love, and how
genital stimulation can be an avenue through which love
can flow.
I laugh to myself now when I remember asking you how
this would carry over into my day-to-day life. My heart is
full to overflowing, and I can see the effects of love reflect-
ed in all those around me. I possess a new and genuine
27
confidence that it is all about love and I’ve got lots of it! My
relationship with every body is gentler, warmer and closer.
I have more energy for every thing…. I love how this feels
and how this is.”
Time and again I hear from clients that erotic massage bridges the
division between sex and spirit. It helps people find their way to an
erotic connection with all life.
The third leg on the three-legged stool of sexual healing is “Ac-
cessing Full Embodiment.” This leg deserves its own chapter, as we
explore some concepts and exercises that may be useful.
Resources
Caffyn Jesse, Sexual Healing, www.erospirit.ca
__________ What is sexological bodywork? www.erospirit.ca
Donna Cerio, Intentional Touch, the Cerio Institute
Staci Haines, Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma
(book, and videos at the New School of Erotic Touch)
Peter Levine, Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom
of Your Body, Sounds True, 2008 and many other books.
Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the
Healing of Trauma. New York: Viking, 2014.
28
A c c e ssi n g F u l l E m b o d i m e n t
ACCESSING FULL EMBODIMENT
V ery few people have the chance to explore the intricate tech-
nology of their bodies and feel the full range of sexual energy.
Unlocking the sexual flow in the body and opening to the ecstasy of
conscious arousal is healing for individuals and for our world.
I guide new clients to breathe fully. We are a culture of shallow
breathers, breathing in short, fast upper-chest breaths that minimize
core movement and starve the body of sensation. Simply bringing
awareness to the chest, and the movement of breastbone, ribs, shoulder
blades and spine, we can initiate more movement and body awareness.
We nourish the heart with every breath.
As the body moves, the breath deepens, and I invite clients to notice
the belly expanding with each in-breath. If they can bring their breath
into their belly, arching their spine with every in-breath, and curving
it with every outbreath, the whole spine gets engaged in breathing, as
the back arches and the tail wags with every in-breath, and then the
spine curves as the tail tucks in with every outbreath. The diaphragm
descends and massages all the inner organs with each breath. Relaxing,
expanding and softening the belly with each breath, we begin to jetti-
son cultural baggage and become more vulnerable emotionally.
Once clients are using their breath to mobilize the spine and the
belly, I invite them to bring their awareness a little deeper, into the
pelvic bowl. The bones of the pelvic bowl are meant to expand outward
with every in-breath, and come together with every outbreath. The
muscle fibers of the pelvic diaphragm slide apart with every in-breath,
29
and slide together with every outbreath, pumping energy through our
bodies. By giving an occasional voluntary squeeze to the beautiful in-
finity symbol of muscles that embraces our genitals, we can make this
perpetual stimulation more conscious and voluntary. As we begin to
pay attention to the sensation within our bodies, we can honor the
pleasure in this deeper breathing with mindful awareness. We begin
to understand that we are actually designed to feel genital stimulation
with each breath.
Many new clients feel deeply moved by this simple exercise in body
awareness. Erotic feelings that have been shamed, inhibited, and con-
fined to expression in empty paradigms are actually an innocent and
joyful part of every breath!
Cultural prohibitions inhibit the awareness of sexual feeling. The
closing down of body awareness affects virtually everyone in this cul-
ture. Our nervous system responds to stress by numbing body aware-
ness in general and erotic feeling in particular. Personal traumas get
embedded in our tissues. The muscles of the pelvic diaphragm atrophy
with immobility, so they no longer stimulate the genital nerves. With
layer upon layer of disavowal and disengagement, most of us are com-
fortably or uncomfortably numb.
As practitioners of erotic massage, we act as educators and health
care providers who guide people to access the joys of full embodiment,
where we live in touch with erotic energy in all its dimensions. The
capacity for full embodiment expands though a matrix of body, mind,
spirit and emotions. In each realm there are specific techniques we can
use ourselves and offer to clients.
30
Table 1. Embodiment tools
EMBODIMENT TOOLS
Breath Sound Movement Imagination
Using breath Sounds we make Sexercise, Expanding
to arouse and and hear vibrate shaking, pelvic sensation,
relax the body, and move the floor and spinal Sensate focus, the
Body regulating the body mobilization, Inner smile
Autonomic Kegels
Nervous System
Breath calms the Learning to Using mindful Setting intentions

mind so we can communicate, set awareness to and goals, using
release anxiety boundaries, ask tune into inner fantasy to explore
and focus on for what we want, impulses and awaken
Mind body sensation tell our stories desire, cultivating
mindfulness,
managing
distraction.
Breath as prayer and ecstatic dance, chakras,
inspiration and celebration, spontaneous microcosmic
spirit, being invoking spirit movement, orbit, medicine
breathed guides, ritual and restraint (power wheel, kundalini
Spirit
ceremony and surrender awakening, sex
play) magic, seeing the
divine in ourselves
and others
Breath as the giving voice to expressing building the

inner lover, emotions with emotions with capacity for loving
bringing pleasure courage body movement, connection by
Emotions
and renewal to discharging living with an
every cell, heart- trauma open heart
opening breath
Breath
Breath is an aspect of awakening body, mind, spirit and emotions,

and then weaving these dimensions together in a gentle, self-directed
31
way. Breath is an inner lover, bringing pleasure and renewal to every

cell. As we become aware of our breath in this way, we feel loved from
the inside out, and this can expand our willingness to feel all our emo-
tions, however difficult, big, small, or inconvenient they may be. Breath
can be a language of emotions: ragged, relaxed, fearful, tender. Breath
happens unconsciously yet can be controlled by our conscious mind.
Breath is a bridge between them. Through breath we can dialogue with
the Autonomic Nervous System, and calm or arouse our bodies. Tun-
ing our awareness to the air around and inside us, we become willing
to be moved and breathed by a power greater than our conscious will.
Breath is inspiration and spirit.
Sound
Sound is another aspect of awakening body, mind, spirit and emo-

tions. In the realm of the body, we can awaken capacity for full embod-
iment by giving voice to what we feel. I suggest tuning into any sound
the body wants to make, and allowing it to become a little bigger, a
little stronger. We can feel how the sounds we make vibrate our bodies,
and then give expression to that vibration through more sound, body
movement and breath. Erotic massage can provide an arena in which
people learn to use their voices—to communicate desires and bound-
aries, and to share complex emotions. We create a safe container for
full embodiment in part by invoking the spirit realm, with prayer, song
and celebration.
Movement
Encouraging movement is one of the most important and ne-

glected aspects of teaching full embodiment through erotic massage.
Stress, trauma and cultural prohibition freeze the body, and our nat-
ural movement is inhibited. People often go into erotic exchanges
with the frozen demeanor of a “deer in the headlights”—frightened
of the other and their own desires, anxious to accommodate, and set
32
to endure whatever is offered while grasping scraps of pleasure. Erotic

massage recipients can bring this attitude to the table. They lay quiet
and unmoving, hoping for the best and prepared for the worst, as the
clueless practitioner moves busily around them, trying to produce an
ecstatic experience. But no matter what skills we possess, we cannot
bestow ecstatic experience on another person. The capacity for ecstasy
has to be built from the inside, claimed and practiced by the person
experiencing.
Before and during an erotic massage, I want my clients to move.
People who have frozen in the face of trauma, or gone numb through
decades of boredom and neglect, begin to experience a sense of their
efficacy and power as they start to move and breathe again. Sexercis-
es including stretches, squats and pelvic floor squeezes mobilize and
awaken the body.
When we bring mindful awareness to body sensation, we often find
movement impulses that seem to emerge spontaneously from deep
within the body. We can learn to tune into these impulses and make
them big. These spontaneous movements may lead us into emotional
expression, or celebratory dance, on or off the massage table. Of course
stillness can be appropriate and necessary for a receiver of a massage
who wants to focus on the cascade of sensation and emotion within
them. But generally, I work to build a capacity for more and more
movement in ongoing sessions. As this capacity builds, so does the
receiver’s ability to access full embodiment.
Imagination
Osho observed that “Energy follows imagination” and this fact can
be used for good or ill. The mind can chatter and ruminate in ways that
distract and destroy, or we can harness its power. We can use mental
imagery and imagination to support the ecstatic unfolding of body,
mind, spirit and emotions.
A rich, well-nourished fantasy life is an important component of
accessing full embodiment. Fantasy can help us to explore and awak-
33
en desire. By inviting the imagination to unfold without judgment or

censure, we can access inner wisdom and guidance. Fantasies are not
mere mental constructs. We respond to fantasies viscerally. We can
enjoy arousal and orgasm in dreams. People often shut down their
fantasies because they fear them, or because our imaginations are gen-
erally starved by lack of room to play. We can honor fantasy as an open
space in which every archetype can safely unfold. And understand
that fantasies are not instruction manuals. We can tease out a fantasy’s
meaning and value in many ways as we translate it to desire, and then
to actual goals.
Creative visualizations are important tools for accessing full em-
bodiment and exploring the intersection of sex and spirit. We can use
imagery and imagination to move desire through the body. Kundalini
Awakening visualizations, the Taoist Microcosmic Orbit, the Tantric
practice of moving sexual energy through every chakra, and the Bud-
dhist practice of the Inner Smile are all effective ways to practice at-
tending, amplifying and circulating erotic energy and linking sex with
spirit. Sex Magic, the practice of dedicating sexual pleasure to healing
and transforming self and world, is another valuable approach that can
easily be integrated into an erotic massage ritual.
The power of imagination can also be used for exploring and man-
aging emotions. My toolbox includes healing meditations that guide
the listener to meet their fears, soothe old wounds, and mother the
inner child. With imagination we can build a sense of the self as Com-
passionate Witness, allowing all emotions without having to repress or
vent them. This capacity for detachment without dissociation expands
our capacity for pleasure a hundred fold.
Love
For all the tools, toys, exercises and techniques I teach and recom-
mend, there is really only one act or attitude I think essential. Simply,
I love.
I offer erotic massage to women, men, and those who are both or
34
neither. My clients are old and young, fat and thin, conventionally at-
tractive and not. I give genital touch to strangers—people I have never
seen before and who I may never see again. And I understand my most
important role as a practitioner is to love and be love.
Love in this sense is an act and attitude of body, mind, spirit and
emotions. As a practitioner of erotic massage, I love the receivers’ bod-
ies. I work with body chemistry and cellular function to build loving
connection from the inside. I honor toes and ears, scars and thighs,
listening to the personal history embedded in the body, contradict-
ing self-loathing, soothing the effects of trauma, and replacing the
imprints of painful and inappropriate touch with pleasurable and re-
spectful touch. I love the receivers’ minds, coaxing their communica-
tion, honoring their desires while I honor my own boundaries, listen-
ing to their stories with unconditional positive regard, helping them
groove new neural pathways that link brain, voice and feeling. I love
the receivers’ spirits, with an unconditional love that could be called
agape. I stand in spirit and greet their spirits in a state of wonder and
amazement. I am agape, wide open, as I experience the joy of working
with erotic energy. And I connect with each receiver emotionally and
offer my love, as one wounded human being to another. I hold them
in my open heart as they ride waves of emotion, often traveling from
deep grief to elation in a single session. This is love in action. It has
nothing to do with standards of attractiveness, partner choice, or mak-
ing the selective judgments that usually limit what we call love. It is
about a profound connection of souls.
One receiver described the experience as being “held in an ocean
of love” while “my body felt completely electrified…, pulsing with en-
ergy head to toe.” It is being held in an ocean of love that allows this
unfolding of erotic capacity. Knowing, feeling and sharing love, the
practitioner of erotic massage can create a sacred space in which there
is a communion of cells and souls.
35
Mindful Erotic Practice
As Joseph Kramer often reminds his students, with erotic massage

you offer an experience that can be transformative, but for real change
to be made, there needs to be ongoing practice. A daily commitment
to expanded self-pleasuring will foster more and more awareness and
enjoyment of sexual energy. In both massage and daily practice, these
principles can guide.
Think of the whole body as an erogenous zone.

Instead of feeling arousal only in the genitals, allow pleasure to
stream through the whole body. Breathe deeply and relax the muscles.
Use imagination to convey erotic energy to every cell. Feel a full-body
erection, a tingling aliveness.
Use Your Imagination and Pay Attention to Subtle Sensations

The feeling of full-body arousal may be very subtle at first. Visual-
izing the body’s cells lighting up with erotic energy helps tune mental
focus to subtle sensations.
Give Acceptance and Approval to Every Sensation

Shame, guilt, fear and inattention block our natural erotic response.
We can change our level of pleasure dramatically by simply noticing
and approving of every sensation, with an open heart and an attitude
of complete acceptance.
Exercises for Accessing Full Embodiment
Exercise 1: Prana Pump with the Pelvic Diaphragm

Once deep breathing mobilizes the pelvis, you can encourage cli-
ents to use their pelvic muscles as a pump for sexual energy. Pelvic floor
exercises (aka Kegels) involve the contraction of these muscles. These
muscles assist in controlling erection and ejaculation, and exercising
them can make orgasms for all genders last longer, feel stronger, and
36
become distributed through the entire body.

Unfortunately, many people in our culture experience chronic clench-
ing of the pelvic muscles. This may result from held trauma, or may be a
way to armor and protect the genitals from injury. If your client’s pelvic
muscles feel immobile, cramped or painful, you can suggest a variety
of techniques to encourage opening and relaxation. Have them stretch,
squat, and breathe into the pelvic floor. A pelvic opening massage can
be focused on addressing tension in these muscles.
Exercises that engage and relax pelvic floor muscles can be done
anywhere, anytime—and nobody will know the difference. We can re-
lax the muscles with deep pelvic breath and contract them with mindful
squeezes, stimulating the genital nerves and generating sexual energy
while waiting in traffic, enjoying the seashore, or saying hello to some-
one.
Figure 2. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, female. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam

with Caffyn Jesse.
37
Figure 3. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, male. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam

with Caffyn Jesse.
Figure 4. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, visualized from a viewpoint inside the
body. This illustrates how we can access these muscles through vaginal and anal
massage. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
38
Exercise 2: Wand of Light

1. Close eyes and focus the mind on the genitals. Imagine send-
ing breath to the genitals with every exhale. Feel the genitals
filling with warm breath.
2. Visualize light shining down on the genitals—light from the sun,
moon and stars. Focus on the penis or clitoris, bathed in light.
Feel the genitals glow.
3. Feel a pulse beating inside the genitals. Feel them suffused
with energy. Place a hand near the genitals and feel the pulse
of energy. Now touch, very briefly, and feel the power surge
through you.
Exercise 3: Catch Fire

1. Begin on hands and knees. Inhale, softening the stomach and
feeling the pelvic diaphragm expand. Exhale, releasing and
lightly pulling in the stomach.
2. On the inhale, imagine a small fiery ball of sexual energy at
the perineum. On the exhale, pulling in the stomach, feel the
fiery sexual energy move through the entire body, and then
outside of the body. Feel it glowing all around you. Inhale,
expanding your belly, pulling the energy back inside the body,
back into a concentrated ball of fire at the perineum.
Exercise 4: The Microcosmic Orbit

The Microcosmic Orbit in Chinese medicine is made up of two chan-
nels, the Governor Channel (up the Back) and the Conception Channel
(down the front).
The Governor Channel begins at the perineum and runs from the tip
of the tailbone, up along the spine to the top of the head and then over
the forehead, ending in the groove between the bottom of the nose and
the upper lip. The Conception Channel runs from the tip of the tongue,
into the throat, and along the midline of the body down to the pubic
mound, through the genitals to the perineum. Touching the tongue to the
roof of the mouth completes the Microcosmic Orbit.
39
We can use imagination to circulate sexual energy in the Microcos-

mic Orbit, up the back, and down the front, up the back, and down the
front. This visualization helps spread sexual energy through the whole
body, allowing for relaxed savoring in high states of arousal. Use this
visualization as you self-pleasure.
This Microcosmic Orbit visualization helps distribute sexual energy,
so it can be valuable for people who suffer from premature ejaculation
or others who feel they peak too quickly. And, because sexual energy
seems to expand when we visualize it circulating in the Microcosmic
Orbit, the visualization is just as valuable for anyone suffering from
anorgasmia or who is feeling disinterested in sex.
Figure 5. (left) Illustration showing Microcosmic Orbit for the circulation of chi or
life-force energy. Erotic energy can be visualized as travelling from the genitals up the
spine to the top of the head, and back down the front of the body into the genitals.
The Macrocosmic Orbit for the circulation of chi draws in the energy of earth and sky.
Figure 6. (right) Illustration showing Chakras. Erotic energy can be visualized
as spiraling up and down the Chakras. Play with color, emotion and meaning.
Drawings by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
40
Exercise 5: Chakra Vibrations

1. Get out a favorite vibrator and put on some music.
2. Take a few relaxing breaths. Empty the mind. Let go of tension.
Dance to the music.
3. Begin to take deeper breaths. Inhale through the nose and exhale
through the mouth. Make it “circular” with no pauses between
inhales and exhales. Rock the pelvis, arching the lower back on
the inhale, curving it in on the exhale. Let breathing be erotic.
4. Bring attention, and then bring the vibrator, to the first chakra,
the perineum. Feel the vibration in this centre of your connec-
tion with the earth and with survival. Feel the vibration in your
sex. Breathe the color red through your whole body.
5. Bring attention up, and vibrator up, to the area of the womb,
the sacrum. Feel the vibration in this centre of creativity. This is
the home of personal power, our capacity for creative erotic
connection. Breathe the color orange through the whole body.
6. Bring attention up, and the vibrator up, to the area of the solar
plexus. Feel the vibration in this centre of our own uniqueness—
what makes each one of us so special and important that we
each have our own unique DNA. If we are not fully ourselves,
the world will not have this. Breathe the color yellow through
the whole body.
7. Bring the attention up, and the vibrator up, to the area of the
heart. Feel the vibration in this centre of our capacity for loving
kindness for ourselves and all beings. Breathe the color green
through the whole body.
8. Bring attention up, and the vibrator up, to the throat. Feel the
vibration in this centre of our communicative capacity—to sing
and pray, and speak our truth, and ask for all we want. Breathe
the color turquoise through the whole body.
9. Bring attention up, and the vibrator up, to the area of the third
eye, between the eyebrows. Feel the vibration in this centre of
our intuition, our inner wisdom, our psychic powers. Breathe
the color indigo through the whole body.
41
10. Bring attention up, and vibrator up, to the crown of the head.
Feel the vibration in this centre of our connection with the di-
vine in ourselves and others, of our capacity for joy, for ecstasy.
Breathe the color violet through the whole body.
11. Keep one hand on the top of the head, and take the vibrator
back down to the root of the body (the perineum). Feel the
whole core vibrating. Stay with it and ride the waves.
12. Turn the vibrator off, but keep paying attention to the body’s
vibration. Savor.
Resources
Caffyn Jesse, Breathe the Body Erotic, online course, www.erospirit.ca
Caffyn Jesse, Fantasy Doorways, guided meditation, www.erospirit.ca
Orgasmic Yoga Institute, online courses, www.orgasmicyoga.com
Sheri Winston, Orgasmic Abundance, free online e-book
Susan Crain Bakos, The New Tantra Simple and Sexy: Longer, Better Lovemak-
ing for Everyone. Quiver, 2008
42
S e n s u a l M a ss a g e
SENSUAL MASSAGE
M assage is a way to interact with a person’s whole being: body,

mind, spirit and emotions.
Massage affects us physiologically in numerous ways.
Massage supports the circulatory system, increasing blood flow and
the oxygenation of tissues.
Massage creates a detoxification effect. Toxins are flushed from the
cells through the lymphatic system. There is also an increase in urina-
tion following massage that can last for several days, helping to rid the
body of waste products.
Massage affects the muscular-skeletal system. Massage helps heal
injured muscles and keeps tissues pliant and vibrant. Stiff, tense mus-
cles pull the skeleton into distorted postures. With massage, muscles
release and lengthen, allowing the skeleton to realign.
Massage affects the respiratory system. Breathing deepens and
slows as the body relaxes. Massage also releases muscles that restrict
the lungs’ expansion, so deeper breathing becomes easy and joyful.
Massage generates a biochemical response. Serotonin and dopa-
mine levels increase, reducing anxiety and depression. Cortisol, the
stress hormone, decreases. Oxytocin increases, the hormone of love
and bonding. Endorphin secretion is stimulated, building a feeling of
bliss. This biochemical response is magnified when a massage is sen-
sual and erotic.
Massage touches the mind.
As skillful touch soothes the nervous system, it invites the mind to
43
relax and open. In our “normal” state of stress, our ability to think and
communicate is compromised. The nervous system’s fight-or-flight
response creates a mental attitude of constant vigilance. The mind
chatters, surveying potential threats. Massage encourages the brain of
the person receiving to shift into the theta rhythm of meditation and
creativity. Massage also oxygenates the brain.
Massage supports the spirit.
Skillful touch invites the experience of bliss. When you are blissful,
you feel open and present. You feel at one with the world around you.
A new energy wells up inside you. Through massage, we can feel “di-
vine.” We experience spirit from the inside out.
Massage affects the emotions.
Loving touch encourages the heart to open. Receiving a massage,
we experience the unconditional positive regard of another person
through an embodied practice. In contrast to other touch exchanges,
massage is non-demand touch. It is the well-being of the receiver that
is the goal, and not the gratification of the giver. Receiving this fo-
cused, caring, positive attention in an environment of complete accep-
tance allows for an untangling of complex emotions. Buried feelings
can surface as fear dissolves.
Most of us store fear and shame in the genital area, along with
thousands of delicious nerve endings that can generate bliss. When
genital touch is integrated into a massage, we can expect to encounter
a wide range of emotions. As givers of massage, we can help recipients
open their hearts simply by being unafraid of emotions. There is no
reason to take emotions personally and no need to fix them. As givers
of massage, we can welcome tears, just as we welcome joy.
Massage supports the integration of body, mind, spirit and emotions.
Talk therapies proceed from the outside in; changes in understand-
ing are meant to help a patient become happy, calm and free. In my ex-
perience, this process is often an incomplete one. Patients come to my
practice after decades of talk therapy. They have an excellent mental
understanding of how they wish to put aside past traumas and become
happier. But the body can’t catch up. They walk around with hyper-ac-
44
tivated nervous systems. Mind chatters, spirit shrivels, the heart wants
to cling or close. With massage, the client’s mind, spirit and emotions
evolve from the inside out. Physiological processes support peace un-
folding from within. There is an integration of well-being with a per-
son’s whole being. Biochemistry invites ecstasy.
We are used to “donut massages” that bring healing and pleasure
to every area of the body except the genitals. Such massages can be
wonderful, but inasmuch as they communicate the message that our
genitals are untouchable, they do harm. In a culture that shames sex-
ual feeling, many people learn to numb out pleasure and aliveness in
the genitals and surrounding tissues. This abnegation of feeling creates
what sexologists call the “Genital Hole” (a phrase that originated with
A.H. Almaas). The “Genital Hole” becomes a place where the wounds
of a lifetime get stored. Sensual and erotic massage includes and in-
tegrates the genitals. Exploring the range of sensation that is possible,
we awaken the neural network. Such touch can assist us in bringing
aliveness to this core part of our selves, expanding our capacity for
feeling, and giving erotic energy an honored role in our bodies and
our lives.
How to Touch
In my work, I have given massage to hundreds of clients. I have

also received many massages—wonderful, forgettable, and downright
uncomfortable. Through my experiences giving and receiving I’ve de-
veloped these guidelines for practice.
Be 100% present.
Understand that when we touch someone, we touch their entire
history, their deepest wounds, their secret identity, their healing pow-
ers, and their most profound capacities for joy. With each touch, we
must be mindful of this.
Your commitment to being 100% present can be reflected in the en-
vironment where you offer touch. Make it a sanctuary—quiet, private,
45
and set apart. Agree on a certain amount of time, and stick to it. Make
this dedicated temple time, when both of you can let go of all other
concerns, and completely focus on your experience.
Slow is better than fast.

Slowing down allows us to savor the sensuous, and to watch for and
respond to non-verbal feedback from the person receiving. Slowing
down gives time for the person receiving to notice nuances of physi-
cal sensation, and also, to pay attention to what is going on for them
emotionally.
Touch at the “resilient edge of resistance.”

Touch that is too soft is irritating. Touch that is too hard is assaul-
tive. The pressure that feels good changes will change from day to day
and from moment to moment. Be acutely aware of how your touch is
received. (The phrase “resilient edge of resistance” comes from Chester
Mainard, via Barbara Carrellas.)
Love what you do.

Relish the joy and privilege of touching. Adjust your table height
and your body posture to keep your own body happy and comfortable.
You can lean into or pull back on someone to give them deeper pres-
sure, rather than pushing. Pleasure or tension you feel will be transmit-
ted to the person receiving.
Know your anatomy.

Learn about the body, including genital anatomy, and your hands
will touch deeply and knowledgeably.
Ask for specific feedback.

Instead of asking, “Does this feel good?” you can ask for specific
feedback by saying “Would more or less pressure feel better?” “Would
you like one or two fingers?”
46
Say “Thank you.”

Make a habit of saying “Thank you” every time you get feedback or
a request. A response like “I’m sorry” indicates feedback is received as
criticism, and this inhibits future dialogue. “Thank you” invites more
communication and deepening intimacy.
Use your breath to connect.

Breathe audibly to guide the person you’re touching into deeper
relaxation, or higher arousal. Encourage them to cycle between relaxed
savoring—with deep full breaths—and peaks of excitement, with rap-
id breathing. Feel them from the inside as you synchronize your breath.
Follow the guidance of the person receiving, use your intuition, and
be ready for anything.
The last guideline is also a caution about the complexity of erotic
bodywork. When we integrate respectful and skillful genital and anal
touch in a bodywork session, we are counteracting patterns of shame
in our culture and in each one of us. This can be deeply healing for the
person receiving. But be aware this touch can also trigger shame, and
painful memories. I work to empower my clients, follow their guid-
ance, and then stay present through all that arises. There might be tears
of joy or deep grief. Anger, attachment, guilt and fear can be part of
what arises in a session. As givers of erotic touch we can encourage
and model mindfulness—being there as a “compassionate witness” to
all that is unfolding, in body, mind, spirit and emotions.
Sensual Massage is not Therapeutic Massage
Sensual massage can incorporate a huge vocabulary of touch, ex-

plore a wide range of emotional nuance, and include many varieties of
sensation. Often it is desirable to begin a massage in a conventionally
therapeutic way, with calming strokes to encourage deep relaxation
and kneading to help release areas of tension. In other sessions, the
person receiving might guide you to explore emotional dimensions of
47
touch. Touch can be playful, nurturing, aggressive, loving, dismissive,

tender. You might offer to experiment with varieties of sensation, al-
ternating between touch that is deep and barely perceptible, incorpo-
rating tickling, spanking, scratching, pushing and holding. Students in
my advanced classes taught me to experiment with metaphor: “Touch
me as if you were a wave breaking on a beach.” “Touch me as if you
were a cat walking on a fence rail.” Many different approaches to touch
can help awaken and heal.
During your session, regular check-ins are essential. Don’t be afraid
to break the spell by asking open questions like “What would make
this feel better?” You can say, “Keep guiding me.” Don’t stop engaging
your client in directing you. Look for explicit confirmation that they
like what you are doing. See if they want to continue or change your
touch. Make sure they know you will stop whenever they want you to.
As you hold the time container for your session, let your client know
what is happening. “There are 10 minutes left in the touch part of our
session. What would you like to experience in this remaining time?”
can be a good question.
Preparations
As the person receiving will be without clothes and without drap-

ing, your space needs to be very warm. A warm pad on the table also
helps. Warm your massage oil too.
Organic coconut oil has anti-fungal properties and is an excellent
choice for a massage that includes the genitals. It congeals at tem-
peratures below 70 degrees and requires special handing for comfort
and safety. Melt the oil and put it into flip-top bottles, then melt each
bottle again before using. Beware of open-top bottles that will allow
your hand to contact someone’s body, and then come into contact with
oil that will go onto another person’s body. This can spread infections.
Wash your hands and your oil bottles very thoroughly between uses.
Bottles should stay unlabeled, since labels on bottles can pick up germs.
Some practitioners like to use a favorite massage oil for the body,
48
and a water-based lube for genital touch. Whatever you choose for oil
and lube, be sure to follow the safety guidelines above.
Mucous membranes, such as those in the genitals and rectum,
are fragile tissues that can easily be torn. Minute abrasions create
pathways through which infections can enter the body. Using med-
ical-grade gloves when touching mucosal tissue will help to prevent
abrasions and eliminate any possibility of infection passing between
genitals and small cuts on the hands. Use non-latex gloves, as latex is
an allergen that dissolves in oil. Use powder-free gloves, as powder will
mix messily with lubricants and bodily fluids.
Timekeeping is an essential part of giving a good massage in a safe
container with clear and predictable boundaries. Agree on the time
you will spend together before you begin. The giver of massage needs
to keep tracking time throughout the session so the receiver can let go
of all time considerations.
While becoming a superb practitioner of erotic massage does not
require extensive training in therapeutic massage, I do recommend a
weekend massage course. This will give you a basic routine to get start-
ed with, a list of contraindications and precautions, and some hands-
on experience.
Preparing yourself to give a massage involves letting your mind re-
lax, so that you can fully concentrate on the person receiving. Warm
your hands by rubbing them together, drawing up energy from the
earth into your hands. Or warm your hands by holding a cup of warm
tea, as you release all other concerns and prepare to welcome the mas-
sage recipient. Remove all jewelry and your watch.
Basic Massage Strokes
Holding
Don’t underestimate the power of simply holding the recipient’s
body. Holding your hands still on a body part will bring the recipient’s
awareness to that area—their mind meets the energy in your hand.
Holding is especially powerful when you initially make connection
49
with the recipient or when you connect with a new part of their body.
You can hold the recipient’s weight, as for example holding their head
in your hands, or holding a leg in the air. You will find they gradually
release their weight into your hands, when they trust you to hold it
up. This can represent a profound unwinding of unconscious tension.
When first approaching the genitals, it is advisable to begin with hold-
ing. Your hand held still on the recipient’s genital area will allow trust,
awareness and sensation to gradually unfold, rising into the warmth
of your quiet hand.
Gliding
Use long, slow, flowing strokes over the whole body to begin a mas-
sage, and return to stroking throughout. Gliding strokes are used to
apply oil and promote circulation, warming the surface of the skin.
These strokes are also about connecting giver and receiver while bring-
ing the receiver’s awareness into the body. Use the full surface of your
hand and allow your fingers to conform to the recipient’s body. Land
very lightly at the beginning of the muscle you are stroking, apply
more pressure through the stroke, and leave lightly at the end. Be slow
and steady with your touch, gliding the full length of a muscle from
end to end. Don’t jump from one area of the body to another. Try cir-
cling movements as well.
Kneading
Kneading breaks up adhesions in the fascia and muscle tissues
and promotes circulation. Lift a fold of flesh and squeeze it gently as
you knead. Avoid jerky motions, pinching, poking, or being hesitant.
Grasp the recipient’s flesh between thumb and fingers, one hand at a
time, and roll it firmly as you slowly move across the muscles. Twist,
pull and palpate the deeper tissues, moving across the body, or focus-
ing on a single spot where tension is stored. Lean into the recipient’s
body to apply deeper pressure.
With deeper strokes, you need to be sure to avoid pressing directly
on joints or bones, or soft tissues like the throat or belly.
50
Balance repetition and variety. A good rule of thumb is to repeat

a stroke three times. Three times feels great as the body relaxes into
the repetition. More than three times, and your giving can start to feel
robotic, while the recipient becomes bored. Be sure to give each side of
the body equal attention, or the recipient will feel unbalanced.
Wringing
Stroking with moderate pressure across the grain of a muscle or
muscle group creates friction, and is a very effective way to stimulate
blood and lymph circulation while stretching congested muscle tissue.
Wringing generates heat in the tissues. Try cross-fiber movement up
and down the back, the arms and the legs.
Compression
When the muscles are warmed and relaxed, you can experiment
with deeper pressure. You can compress muscles and muscle groups
with your palms, the heel of your hand, thumbs, fingers, elbows, fists
and even knees. Big muscles—especially the gluteal muscles of the
butt—love deep pressure.
As a general rule, start light and gradually go deeper, then back off
gradually. Remember—no pressing on joints, bones and soft tissues!
Percussion
Tapping, drumming, hacking and slapping the body with percus-
sive strokes can set up vibrations that stimulate and invigorate the
inner organs.
Begin very lightly and watch carefully for the receiver’s reaction.
Some people find percussive strokes unpleasant and even violent.
Massage Ergonomics
Ideally the table is supposed to be at the height of your hands when

you stand beside it and make a fist. Keep your back straight so your
mobility comes from the pelvis and legs. Rooted and grounded, you
51
can lean back from the pelvis to lift, lean in to press. Spread your legs
and squat rather than bending your back. Just say no if you are feeling
strain, and adjust your position until there is no strain. I sometimes
climb on the table or put one foot on the table to gain leverage. You
should finish a 2-hour massage feeling pleasantly exercised in your
body, never worn out or strained.
Knowing When Not to Massage
A client may have several conditions or illnesses that mean you

should not offer massage, including (but not limited to) psychiatric
disorder, infectious disease, venous conditions, and uncontrolled hy-
pertension. If the person receiving has been a victim of any trauma,
proceed only with great caution, and be guided by their continual
communication. If the recipient is susceptible to severe asthmatic at-
tack, allergic reaction, diabetic coma, epileptic seizure, and heart attack,
you should only massage with due caution. People with osteoporosis
should be massaged very gently. Do not massage a pregnant woman
without specialized training. Have your client check with their doctor
to see whether massage is contraindicated with their health conditions.
The first and foremost rule of any therapy is “Do No Harm.” If you are
uncertain, don’t do the massage.
Always follow these precautions:
• Do not massage anyone without intake and assessment proce-
dures and without having them sign a waiver.
• Do not massage people sensually or erotically without engag-
ing in exercises that empower their enthusiastic consent.
• Do not press on joints or bones. Doing so is dangerous and can
cause injury.
• Do not massage areas of acute inflammation.
• Do not massage cancer patients over sites of active cancer.
• Do not massage varicose veins.
• Do not massage wounds or recent surgeries.
• Do not massage unconsolidated fractures.
52
Exercise 6: A Basic Massage Routine

Begin with a general discussion about what the receiver wants from
the ritual and how they like to be touched.
Ask the receiver to lie face down on the massage table. Guide them
to breathe and relax, and to let you know when they are ready to
be touched. Introduce your touch by simply holding. Synchronize your
breath. Then massage one side of the back, using gliding strokes to
apply oil. The back enjoys broad circular strokes. Press into the muscles
along the spine, but be sure not to press on the spine.
Have the person receiving guide you. Ask them specific questions
like, “Would more or less pressure feel better?” “Would faster or slower
feel better?”
Work into the shoulder with kneading strokes to help them release
the weight of the world.
Work one side of the back and then the other. Finish with integrative
strokes over both sides of the back, down into the sacrum, from a posi-
tion at the top of the head.
Move to the side of the receiver you first worked on. Begin giving
your attention to the butt cheek. Start with holding, then gentle circles,
and gradually increase the pressure if your client likes it. Try compres-
sion strokes with the heel of your hand, and your fist. Back off gradually.
Massage the leg, avoiding pressure on the knee. Try wringing
strokes as well as gliding strokes. Add compression when working on
the thigh.
Do one side of the body and then the other.
You can use different kinds of sensation to awaken the body, as
well as relax it. Featherlight stroking, scratching and tapping can all
be enjoyable.
Turning over can be a moment when the person receiving feels deep-
ly vulnerable. Take your time, and let them settle.
Sit behind the head to work on the shoulders. Incorporate the breasts.
Massage the neck from this position. Face massage feels wonderful.
The face has its own natural oil—don’t use much extra oil on the face.
Moving to one side of the receiver’s body, give arm, hand and
53
fingers attention.
Massage the front of the leg, avoiding pressure on the knee. Try
wringing strokes as well as gliding strokes. Add compression when
working on the thigh.
Do one side of the body and then the other.
This is where conventional massages end. If you are exploring inte-
grating genital touch, go slowly, mindfully, and with awareness of po-
tential pitfalls. Massage should include genital touch only at the request
of the person receiving. Always be guided by their ongoing communi-
cation. Ask, “How would you like to be touched?”
Exercise 7: Breast Massage

Breasts can be key to a woman’s experience of sexual pleasure. In
Taoist and Tantric understandings of women’s sexual energy, breasts
are the gateway to love and orgasm.
Some women regularly have orgasms through breast stimulation
alone. Yet many women do not want their breasts to be touched or feel
no pleasure when they are touched. Unfortunately, rough and insensi-
tive handling of breasts during erotic exchanges is the norm. This leads
women to extinguish sensitivity on the neural pathways that connect
their breasts with erotic pleasure. In addition, women carry around
many negative feelings about their breasts. Concerns about breast size,
shape, hang, texture, color, nipple conformation, and the consequenc-
es of breast surgeries interfere with women’s self-acceptance and their
capacity to tune in to the subtle sensations in their breasts. Breasts are
also the gates to the heart center and these gates may be implacably
closed due to emotional injury. Loving, sensual massage, without any
erotic demand, can gradually reawaken the sexual and emotional po-
tential of the breasts. The body responds to respect and loving acknowl-
edgement by expanding sensation.
Slowly rub warm massage oil onto her arms and shoulders. Mas-
sage the pectoral muscles above the breasts, and then gently incorpo-
rate her breasts.
Do NOT touch her nipples!
54
Work on both breasts simultaneously or sequentially. Focusing only

on one breast will leave her feeling unbalanced.
Slowly cup each breast, like a bra, keeping your fingers relaxed and
open. Just hold her breasts for a time, allowing sensation to arise be-
neath your hands. Swirl your fingertips around the base of her breasts.
Feel into the seam that attaches her breast tissue to her chest.
Run your well-oiled fingertips from the bottom of her breastbone up
to her throat. Feather your fingers out from the center of her chest onto
her breasts, but Do NOT touch her nipples yet! Return your hands to the
“bra” position, cupping and gently vibrating the breasts.
Make heart circles, drawing a heart shape on her chest with two
hands, between her breasts, around the top of the breasts, and down
to a point at her pubic mound. Come up the center and do this again,
several times, then reverse directions.
Find many ways to make circles and spirals around her breasts
without touching the nipples. Rub your palms from above her nipples up
to her collarbones. Stroke her chest lightly from the side of the ribcage,
toward the nipples. Then surreptitiously and almost imperceptibly brush
the backs of your fingers across her nipples just once. Start tickling,
swiping, twirling your fingers on her skin and add nipple brushes in to
the mix.
Only if and when she is responding with arousal to breast touch (and
this may take many sessions of delicate breast massage) you can exper-
iment with adding more nipple play. Let the circles you make around
her breasts gradually grow smaller, until you gently circle around the
nipples. Roll the tips of her nipples between your thumb and forefinger.
Touch them with a featherlight touch and try plucking them with all your
fingers. Some women want to be pinched hard. Ask her how she likes it.
When massaging a woman who has had a mastectomy, trust that
though the external breast has been amputated, the energetic breast
is there to be loved. Scar tissue from any breast surgery may require
special attention; see the chapter in this book on “Healing Painful Sex.”
55
Resources
Videos
Caffyn Jesse, Learn Erotic Massage for Healing and Pleasure, online course
New School of Erotic Touch. femme à femme—Erotic Massage.
Books
Barbara Carellas, Urban Tantra. Celestial Arts, 2007
Gordon Inkeles, The Art of Sensual Massage, Bayside, CA, Arcata Arts, 2011
Susan Mumford, Sensual Massage: The Joy of Touch. Reed International Books,
1994
Kenneth Ray Stubbs, The Essential Tantra, New York, Penguin, 1999
56
T o u c hi n g W o m e n
TOUCHING WOMEN
Introduction
I want to live in a world where girls and women are free to shine
with their full radiance, unconstrained by fear or shame. Can you
imagine a world where female sexuality is honored and celebrated?
Imagine learning to be a girl and a woman in a culture where fe-
male genitals are sacred and beloved—seen as a symbol of the great
goddess, and the source of all. Imagine a world where both personal
and cosmic harmonies depend on women’s sexual ecstasy.
Imagine there are temples where women share their erotic knowl-
edge and wisdom, teaching daughters, sisters and friends how to keep
their vulvas strong and supple, healthy and free, and how to access all
the pleasure that is possible.
Imagine a world where every vulva is celebrated as beautiful in its
unique configuration. No girl is hurt or shamed or filled with fear.
Every style of being a woman is welcomed, including masculine, fem-
inine and genderfluid, and all pathways to being female are celebrated,
including transgender journeys.
What stops us from claiming our pleasures? Women need:
• More Worthiness. Sexism and sex-negativity keep us from
claiming our pleasures. We are taught to feel our desires aren’t
important, our vulvas aren’t beautiful, our pleasure is unworthy
of attention, respect, educated touch, and the time required for
57
full arousal and multiple orgasms. Heterosexism and trans-

phobia keep women from claiming their pleasures, when their
pleasures involve sex outside the box.
• More Sensation. Because girls and women are shamed about
sexual feelings, we can suffer from a lack of capacity to focus on
sensation. The mind is nervous and distracted. We don’t give
enough value to erotic feeling. The nerves of the vulva can be
deadened by neglect, and by exposure to trauma. There can be
scar tissue. There can be an overall body armoring.
• More Knowledge. We are not taught about basic female gen-
ital anatomy. We don’t ourselves know enough about what is
possible, and we don’t have knowledgeable partners.
• More Time. With the lack of knowledge, there is a lack
of time spent pleasuring the erectile tissue beds of the cli-
toral complex. Whether we are talking about partner sex or
self-pleasuring, the average sex act in North America is all
over in 8 minutes. And sometimes its great to have a quickie.
But women’s anatomy of arousal includes beds of erectile tis-
sue that take an average of 40 minutes to engorge.
• More Lube. Sex is needlessly uncomfortable or painful for
too many women. It is a simple physiological fact that old-
er women experience dryness and thinning of the tissues of
the vulva. We need more lube. For young women too, this is
good advice. Whether we are talking about external or inter-
nal stimulation, everything goes better with more lube. More
lube allows longer and more diverse stimulation of the genital
tissues.
Growing up female, most women experience intense shame about
the look and smell of their sexual parts. Instead of celebrating menstru-
ation, there is a vast industry built on hiding and shaming it. Scented
vulva perfumes and douches, despite their proven health hazards, are
widely marketed. Girls are not told about the vast diversity of labial
structures that are normal and beautiful. Many women fear their inner
labia are abnormal because they are longer than the outer labia, or
58
because one lip is longer or larger than the other. Vaginoplasties numb
sexual feeling, but many women choose Barbie-doll pussies over erotic
joy. As erotic massage practitioners, we meet and address these cultural
wounds.
The Vulva: Anatomy
Figure 7. Parts of the external vulva. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn
Jesse.
59
Figure 8. Female genital anatomy, saggital view. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam

with Caffyn Jesse.
60
Figure 8b. Female genital anatomy, saggital view, showing engorgement of erectile
tissues. The erectile tissues of the clitoral complex become engorged with blood–
including the shaft and glans of the clitoris, the legs of the clitoris, and the vestibular
bulbs. The urethral sponge, surrounding the urethra, becomes engorged with prostatic
fluid. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
Figure 9. Female Genital Anatomy, ¾ view, showing changes with arousal and
engorgement. Pelvic ligaments contract, shifting the position of the uterus, moving
the cervix out of the way of penetration, and expanding the vagina.
61
Figure 10a The erectile tissue of the clitoris, unengorged.
Possible changes in the external vulva with arousal and engorgement are shown in
Figures 10b (unengorged) and 11 b (showing engorgement). The clitoris may increase
in size 2-3 times and protrude from beneath the hood. Outer lips become puffy,
separated and elevated. Inner lips increase in size and extend outwards.
62
.
Figure 11. The erectile tissue of the clitoris, engorged.
Figure 11 b. Possible changes to the external vulva during arousal and engorgement.
In addition to the changes shown in these diagrams, an engorged urethral sponge
(G-spot) may become more visible at the vaginal opening. The appearance and
behavior of women’s external genitals varies widely. All drawings on this and the
previous page by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
63
Genitals are as different as faces. Each woman has her own unique
labial configuration. Some lips are fat and some are thin. Some lips are
long and some are short, and some are markedly asymmetrical. Some-
times the glans of the clitoris is prominent, and sometimes it seems
impossibly hard to find. Huge ranges of colors, shapes and sizes all are
normal and beautiful.
We are all innervated differently too. Some women need very gen-
tle touch, and others respond best to deep pressure. This can change
within a session and between sessions, with the degree of arousal, the
time of the month, and the stage of life. Some women readily enjoy
internal stimulation, while for many others it takes prolonged external
stimulation, plus education and practice. Learning the anatomy of the
vulva cannot replace communication and creativity, every time, with
each recipient of your touch.
Beneath the almost overwhelming diversity of vulva shapes and
sizes, natal women have a similar anatomical structure. There are beds
of erectile tissue—the clitoral complex—whose blood vessels contain
one-way valves that can close to allow engorgement, with sufficient
stimulation, focused attention and a relaxed environment. There is as
much erectile tissue in a vulva as in a penis, but most of it is hidden
beneath the skin.
When and if the erectile tissue surrounding the vagina becomes
engorged and puffy, vaginal penetration may become pleasurable. As
the swollen tissue surrounding the vagina is stimulated, the whole cli-
toral complex can be engaged by internal penetration. If penetration
happens before she is ready, none of this potential is tapped.
Many men and women worry that their genitals are either too large
or too small. These worries arise from a dearth of knowledge about
the anatomy of arousal. When women are given sufficient time and
attention to engage and engorge the whole clitoral complex, penetra-
tion by the smallest object or penis can be an exquisite pleasure. At the
same time, this engorged tissue is more distensible and, with adequate
lubrication, a large object or penis can be accommodated comfortably.
With high arousal and knowledgeable stimulation, the urethral
64
sponge engorges with prostatic fluid. This is the area known as the
G-Spot. Many women wonder why their G-Spot is not sensitive. One
answer is that the urethral sponge is typically the last area to develop
sensitivity in a trajectory of arousal. Expanded juiciness requires more
stimulation, more varied stimulation, and MORE TIME.
The vagina actually expands during high arousal, even as the en-
trance to the vagina narrows with engorgement of the erectile tissues.
Pelvic ligaments contract, raising the uterus up over the bladder, re-
sulting in an enlarged vaginal canal and the “wide-open” feeling that
women sometimes report with extended arousal.
The pudendal nerve is largely responsible for innervation of the ex-
ternal and internal clitoris. The pelvic nerve innervates the vagina. The
cervix and uterus are also innervated by the hypogastric nerve and the
vagus nerve. The vagus nerve is a cranial nerve that travels through the
body outside the spinal cord. Through this pathway, women who have
complete spinal cord transection can experience orgasms, despite an
absence of external genital sensation.
Exercise 8: Vulva Mapping

After a full-body massage, you can begin genital exploration by
stimulating the area around the vulva—the thighs, the lower belly, the
inguinal crease. Drape your hand over the vulva and simply hold. Vi-
brate the pubic mound, and move the flesh over the pubic bone in
circles.
Apply oil. Explore the territory between the thighs and the outer la-
bia. Roll and gently tug on the outer lips, and then the inner lips.
Find the clitoral hood, the shaft, and the clitoral legs. Pull back the
hood to reveal the glans. Some women are too sensitive to be touched
here directly. If you touch here, do it very, very gently, with lots of lube.
Try lightly tapping, and gently stroking, as if you were stroking an eye-
lid. Go even slower, and even more gently.
Stroke the shaft through the hood. Roll the shaft back and forth, all
the way up to the pubic bone. The clitoral shaft becomes erect when the
clitoral complex gets engorged.
65
Feel deeply into the vulvar vestibule, along the sides of the bones of
the pelvis, touching the legs of the clitoris, just under the bone.
The vestibular bulbs may start to engorge during clitoral stimulation.
The vestibular bulbs lie beneath a layer of muscles, behind the inner lips
and surrounding the entry to the vagina (the “vestibule”). Press into the
flesh around her vagina and move it back and forth over her vestibular
bulbs.
The perineal sponge lies inside the body between the vagina and
the anus. This sponge is engorgeable tissue that helps to squeeze the
vaginal opening tight when it is full of blood, along with the vestibular
bulbs and the urethral sponge. The perineal sponge can be stimulated
from the outside, through the perineum. Vibrate, press and release the
perineum. It can also be stimulated from inside both the vagina and the
anus. (We must be careful never to touch the vagina with a finger that
has touched the anus. Mixing anal and vaginal juices can result in a
nasty bacterial infection.)
If you are invited to enter the vagina (and be aware that many wom-
en never want vaginal penetration), you can find the glandular tissue
of the G-Spot on the top wall of the vagina, just inside. It may have
a ridged feeling, which gets more pronounced as arousal increases.
Using plenty of lube, gently insert one finger, with the pad of the finger
facing straight up. Stroke along the urethral sponge from the entrance
of the vagina to deep inside the vaginal canal. Feel along the back and
the edges. For some women, there is an area of exquisite sensitivity at
the back of the urethral sponge (they have a G-Spot). For other women,
the whole sponge is sensitive. Some women find that external stimula-
tion of the area around the urethral opening can be orgasmic. This area
has been described as the “U-Spot.”
The Vulvovaginal Glands (aka Bartholin’s Glands) are located under
the inner lips, on either side of the vagina. They secrete a drop of two of
slippery lubrication into the vagina when a woman is aroused. Lightly
pressing and tapping the inner lips in the vaginal area can stimulate
these glands. The lubrication they secrete can be felt about half an inch
into the vagina.
66
If sufficient arousal has built and internal stimulation is enjoyable,

you could explore another area of pleasure potential around the cervix.
Towards the front of the body, behind the urethral sponge and before
the cervix, you can find a potentially sensitive area that has been de-
scribed as the “A-Spot.”
Find her “A-Spot,” stroke gently and allow her response to arise. If
she is enjoying your touch, give this area plenty of time. 10-15 minutes
here may produce a new form of vaginal lubrication. Capacity for ec-
static sensation in this area can build with practice.
For some women, gentle stimulation of the cervix is very pleasurable.
For many others, it is painful.
Towards the back of the body, behind the cervix, is the area known
as the “P-Spot.” Stroke to see if there is sensitivity, pleasure or discom-
fort in this area.
To finish any exploration of genital anatomy, remove your finger(s)
from the vagina ever so slowly. Hold your hand still over the public
mound. Let it rest there, as your other hand touches her heart chakra,
between the breasts. Breathe together and stay connected as she relax-
es. It can be nice to finish with a prayer or blessing, and a talk about
what you each experienced with the process.
Resources
Videos
Caffyn Jesse, Learn Erotic Massage for Healing and Pleasure. The video focus-
ing on vulva touch is called “Waking the Neural Network.”
____________, Vaginal Orgasm, YouTube
Pleasure Mechanics, Guide to Fingering
Books
Rufus Camphausen, The Yoni: Sacred Symbol of Female Creative Power. Inner
Traditions, 1996.
Hylton Coxwell, Vulva 101. Designed to help society overcome its fear and
shame regarding vulva, Vulva 101 features closeup photos of one hun-
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dred and one women’s vulvas, ranging from 18 to 65 years old. Each page
focuses on one woman’s vulva from three different angles. Offered as a
free download on the Internet June 2014.
Rebecca Chalker, The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World at Your Fingertips, Seven
Stories Press, 2000
Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Center, A New View of a Woman’s
Body, 1991
O’Connell, Helen E. et al., “Anatomy of the Clitoris,” The Journal of Urology,
2005, Volume 174 , Issue 4 , 1189—1195
Sheri Winston, Women’s Anatomy of Arousal. Mango Garden Press, 2011
68
O r g a s m C o a c hi n g for Women
ORGASM COACHING
FOR WOMEN
Many women who come to see me say they are turned off sex or
not experiencing orgasm. Erotic massage can help these women learn
to stay present with pleasurable body sensation, as they practice al-
lowing sexual feeling to fill the body and quiet the mind. With erotic
massage we are also educating the woman receiving (and her partner,
if applicable) in understanding the range of sensation that is possible,
while we simultaneously educate her genital tissues to feel more and
more sensation.
How can our nerves learn to feel? Just as we can build muscles with
dedication to regular workouts, we can build new neural pathways by
offering our nerve endings regular touch.
Dr. Douglas Wahlsten, eminent neuroscientist, explains. “The syn-
apses at the end of nerve fibers have a rapid turnover. They are formed
and broken down frequently in ways that are activity-dependent. In
addition, pathways in the brain that are most active slowly build more
and more connections, and areas of the brain devoted to specific func-
tions gradually expand when they are exercised, more rapidly early in
nervous system development, but continuing throughout life.” At the
level of sense receptors, more stimulation leads to more sense recep-
tors. In the brain, where connections between things are made, more
attention to pleasurable sensation should lead to an increasing capac-
ity for pleasure.
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“If muscles and bones aren’t used, they quickly atrophy, as we see
with astronauts,” says Wahlsten. “The same thing happens with the
nervous system. Synapses with a lack of activity will be degraded and
not replaced, so sensitivities can be lost over time.”
For a woman’s full pleasure potential to unfold, she will need an
environment where she feels safe. Anxiety, stress and distress activate
the Autonomic Nervous System. Sexual response is inhibited as the
body prepares to fight or flee. When we cannot fight or flee, but must
endure frightening and transgressive experiences, we dissociate. Too
many people have learned to dissociate from genital sensation by en-
during painful or unwanted sex. And for a woman’s full pleasure po-
tential to unfold, she will need an environment where she feels chal-
lenged and excited. People go numb enduring boring sex. We need to
meet each client, each time, in a way that can invite their full potential,
seeking the right balance between safety and challenge.
Clitoral Glans Orgasm
A clitoral glans orgasm is what most women know to be an orgasm.

Intense stimulation of the clitoral glans builds arousal and whole-body
tension, climaxing with an orgasmic peak that lasts 20-30 seconds (or
much longer with techniques I write about in Exercise 9). The muscles
of the pelvic floor contract, and the orgasm feels intense, wonderful,
and relieving.
Use lube and start touching the glans softly. Increase the pressure,
speed and intensity, following her desire. She might experiment with
lying on her back, and lying face down on top of your hands, her hands,
or a vibrator. Some women want and need direct, intense stimula-
tion of the clitoral glans, while others only enjoy indirect stimulation
through the clitoral hood. If that feels like too much, try stimulation
through blankets. Sometimes one part of the glans is most deliciously
sensitive. Experiment with doing the same motion repeatedly for a
long period. 45 minutes of focused stimulation of the clitoral glans is
an ordinary amount of time to generate a clitoral glans orgasm. Too
70
O r g a s m C o a c hi n g f o r W o m e n
many women give up way too soon. If a woman’s mind wanders, guide
her to change the touch, blend in other kinds of touch, use erotic visu-
alizations, and bring in fantasy to ramp up her arousal.
Full Clitoral Complex Orgasm(s)
Another way for women to explore and experience their orgasmic

capacity is through Clitoral Complex Orgasm(s). When the whole
landscape of the clitoris is engaged, orgasms feel different. Exploring
with knowledge of her genital anatomy, follow her guidance to stimu-
late the whole clitoral complex until it is engorged and erect.
An example of a stroke that would engage the whole clitoral com-
plex, once it is nice and erect, is using three fingers of one hand in a
circular motion, pressing into her pubic mound to pleasure her glans,
while the other hand stimulates the vagina and the anus, being careful
not to mix juices. Alternately, you can use a thumb to stimulate the
glans in a strong and focused way, while one finger stimulates the vag-
inal opening, and another finger pleasures the anus. You can gauge the
pressure that is desirable by noticing if she is pushing into your thumb
or withdrawing from it.
Whenever she feels a sense of climax, encourage her to express and
enjoy the orgasmic sensation, but don’t stop. Keep the stimulation go-
ing. More and more pleasure is possible. Instead of thinking “relief of
tension” as with the Clitoral Glans orgasm, Clitoral Complex orgasms
can feel more like opening, opening, opening.....
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Figure 12. Anatomy of female arousal showing the “G-Spot” or Urethral Sponge.
Stimulation of the “G-Spot” can lead to ejaculation. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam
with Caffyn Jesse.
Figure 13. The anatomy of female arousal, showing the “A-Spot,” “P-Spot” and
“U-Spot.” Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
72
Figure 14. The anatomy of female arousal showing innervation of the vulva by the
pudendal nerve. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
73
Figure 15. Visualization of the anatomy of female arousal showing innervation of the
genitals and surrounding areas. Note that the clitoris is the most intensely innervated
area. Internal anatomical structures are also highly innervated. The external clitoris
is largely innervated by the pudendal nerve. The pelvic nerve, hypogastric nerve and
vagus nerve innervate the internal structures. Image from Anatomical Travelogue/
Science Photo. Used with permission.
74
Vaginal Orgasms
While the clitoral glans and the clitoral complex usually have a pri-
mary importance in women’s orgasmic journeys, different pleasures are
accessible in women’s inner realms. This is not a prescription for what
any woman should feel or experience. So many women have experi-
enced pain and injury with penetration, through violence, and through
consensual sex with inadequate arousal and lubrication. Many have
learned to numb their vaginas, close their sensory pathways, and disso-
ciate during vaginal stimulation. In addition, all women are innervat-
ed differently. In some women, the nerves innervating the vagina are
readily accessible. For others, there can be a process of building more
and more feeling capacity in the vagina through many experiences of
pleasurable stimulation.
Only when and if she is ready, begin to explore her inner world.
Once inside, don’t forget the clitoris. You can keep stimulating her
externally with your other hand. Or encourage her to pleasure herself,
or use a vibrator, while you focus on internal stimulation.
Sacred Spot Massage
For many women, the G-Spot is a big mystery. A 2009 British

study, based on personal testimony from a large number of women,
concluded that the G-Spot did not exist. Some women can identify
their G-Spot anatomically, but wonder, “What’s the big deal?”
Yet for millions of women over thousands of years, the G-Spot
has been a place of vast and dependable pleasure, and the source of
“Squirting Orgasms.” The G-Spot is an area of profound importance
in women’s erotic anatomy.
The G-Spot holds incredible pleasure potential, yet this tissue can
be numb or painful due to physical and emotional blockages that are
stored in this area.
As discussed previously, the G-Spot is misnamed because it is not
a single “spot.” It is a cone of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra.
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Different women have different urethral sponge shapes and different

areas of maximum sensitivity.
The G-Spot can be numb or painful to touch. A woman will suffer
micro-tears in this tissue anytime she is penetrated before she is ready.
Childbirth and abdominal surgery can also result in scar tissue that
makes G-Spot stimulation hurt. If a woman is experiencing numb-
ness or pain, I encourage her to spend many hours receiving G-Spot
massage. With massage she can gently and safely feel her way into
the wounds stored in the tissue, and allow them to be witnessed and
to heal. For many women, there seems to be a vast reservoir of tears
locked in the G-Spot. Rather than ejaculating, they may weep. I see
this as a beautiful erotic release.
It may take several months or more than a year of regular massage
to help women discover the pleasure potential of the G-Spot.
Combine G-Spot massage with massaging the clitoral glans to
magnify feelings of pleasure and educate the nerves into a new state of
awareness and sensitivity.
G-Spot massage is one way to heal and awaken the inner vagi-
nal environment. In a non-demand situation, directed by the receiver,
women can learn to go deeply into all the feelings of grief, joy and
electric pleasure that the G-Spot can offer.
Squirting Orgasms
G-Spot Massage can also be a way to explore the mysteries of

Squirting Orgasms. Ejaculatory fluid accumulates in the tissues of the
urethral sponge during engorgement.
In order to ejaculate, we have to give ourselves permission—both to
experience a very high level of sexual excitement, and to make a big mess.
Make sure that you celebrate messiness! Let her know that it’s okay to
pee. Use a towel or a “bed protector” pad to create a place of permission.
The woman exploring ejaculation will need to be well hydrated. She
can be encouraged to drink lots of water, and also to pee right before
the massage, so she will be reassured that her bladder is empty.
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Start slowly and engage all the erectile tissues of the clitoral com-
plex. Use a vibrator to ramp up arousal. Let her enjoy an orgasm or two
before going inside. Use your fingers to start stimulating the G-Spot
through the front wall of the vagina, while continuing to stimulate the
external clitoris with your other hand, or a vibrator.
I suggest using a pulsing motion to stimulate the G-Spot, rather
than the oft-described “come hither” motion. The latter can irritate
this sensitive area and cause injury. Pulse gently at first, moving your
whole hand from the elbow. Increase the speed and intensity of your
pulses if her arousal increases and more speed and pressure feel desir-
able to the woman receiving.
When the G-Spot is highly stimulated and engorged, and sexual
energy is high, she may feel that she has to pee. Invite her to go with
that feeling, allow it, and focus on it while you continue to stimulate
the G-Spot.
She can be encouraged to breathe deeply, pant, make noise, rock
her pelvis, and stimulate her G-Spot from the inside by relaxing and
squeezing the pelvic muscles.
If you feel a gush of fluid, that’s it! She’s had a G-Spot orgasm.
Don’t expect huge squirts of liquid. Celebrate small amounts of ejacu-
late. Large squirts of ejaculate are rare, and usually only accessible after
much enthusiastic practice.
A G-Spot ejaculation doesn’t feel like a clitoral orgasm. It takes
practice to tune in to the subtler pleasures of a G-Spot orgasm. After
you feel a gush of fluid, you might take a little break from high levels
of stimulation while you keep touching her vulva. In a few minutes
the urethral sponge will refill, and if you keep going, she will likely
have more ejaculatory orgasms. Ejaculation does not mean an end to
engorgement, for women.
Ejaculatory fluid smells clean and earthy, not like pee, and the smell
can vary with the woman’s diet or menstrual cycle. Described by the
ancients as “Amrita,” female ejaculate is the life-giving “Nectar of the
gods.”
Notice that sometimes a woman can “injaculate” and push ejacu-
77
latory fluid back into her bladder. If she has to pee right after erotic
stimulation, this is probably what happened. See if it helps her ejac-
ulate if you remove your hand or toy from near the urethra when she
bears down.
Blended Orgasms
If she feels a regular orgasm coming, guide her to bear down and
push it out with a roar. Suggest that she give birth to her orgasm! Tell
her she should pee right there if she needs to. Let the waters flow. In
this way she can learn to have a blended orgasm that combines clitoral
orgasm and ejaculation.
A-Spot Orgasms
Find her “A-Spot” beyond the urethral sponge (G-Spot) and before
the cervix, stroke gently, and allow her response to arise. Follow her
verbal and non-verbal guidance. You can combine A-Spot touch with
ongoing stimulation of the clitoral glans. Try holding, pulses, circles,
fluttering, and gentle stroking. Try side to side and back and forth.
Women who enjoy A-Spot orgasms call them ecstatic and endless.
Anal Orgasms
The external and internal anal sphincter and the rectum can be
highly responsive to erotic touch, in women as well as men. The peri-
neal sponge, between the vagina and the anus, and the P-Spot, on the
back wall of the vagina near the cervix, are two particular erogenous
zones that can be stimulated anally as well as vaginally. Always go very
slowly, wait to be invited in, and use lots and lots of slippery lube for
anal massage. (See more information in the chapter devoted to anal
massage.) As with vaginal penetration, it works best if the woman can
move onto your finger, rather than you pushing a finger into her. Face
down with ass in the air is a position that works well. So does lying on
78
her side on the massage table, ass propped up on a pillow. Go excruci-

atingly slowly. Make sure she is really turned on, and open, before en-
tering. Add clitoral stimulation to anal stimulation, being very careful
not to mix anal and vaginal juices. Orgasm with anal stimulation can
feel like an expansion of body, mind, spirit and emotions.
Valley Orgasms
Peak orgasms depend on an active build-up of excitement. And

they feel wonderful! But pursuing a peak orgasm can make sex into a
goal-oriented activity, with lots of action and tension—during which
we neglect subtler joys. A valley orgasm is different. It arises in a re-
laxed body. Rather than a destination we can pursue, it is an ecstatic
unfolding—an orgasmic state we enter. Guide her to bring awareness
to internal movements of energy, and fully appreciate the small thrill-
ing sensations coursing through her body. Relaxing (even if briefly)
invites the flow of blood and body fluids, and the expansion of erotic
energy. Relaxing into body sensation invites increased bodily sensitiv-
ity, and more psychological openness. When we are in a state of relax-
ation, heart wide open and fully aware of all the joys we are feeling, we
may not exactly “have an orgasm” but rather, we become orgasmic.
Three Sacred Waters of Female Arousal
Ancient Taoist sexual practices describe Three Sacred Waters of

women’s sexual response.
When the clitoris is stimulated, blood flows into her erectile tissues.
With time and knowledgeable touch, the clitoral complex gets swol-
len. The Vulvovaginal glands secrete a slippery liquid to lubricate the
vagina.
The First Waters are like rain that widens the river.
Enjoy a Clitoral orgasm.
The Second Waters come with G-Spot Awakening. The urethral
sponge engorges with prostatic fluid. With joyful stimulation of
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G-Spot and clitoris, enjoy a Squirting orgasm.

The river flows.
In high states of arousal, there is engagement of the deep structures
of women’s arousal anatomy. Pelvic ligaments contract, shifting the
position of the Uterus and expanding the vaginal canal.
With stimulation of nerves deep in the vagina, along with the clito-
ris, pleasuring the A-Spot, and nerves around the cervix… fluid from
the urethral sponge can flow through a Skene’s gland duct into the
vagina, and combine with cervical mucous in an endless gush.
The Third Waters flood the fields with life-giving nourishment.
Enjoy a never-ending orgasm.
Expanded orgasms
Erotic massage is also a way to explore multiple orgasms, and to

reach prolonged orgasmic states. These states have been described as
extended massive orgasms, continuous multiple orgasms, blended or-
gasms, or expanded sexual orgasms. Keys to achieving these states are
the embodiment tools of breath, sound, movement and imagination
described in the chapter “Accessing Full Embodiment.”
I encourage massage recipients not to quietly and passively receive
my touch, but to dance on the table. If they can find a movement im-
pulse in their body, I want them to follow it, and make it big. An ex-
panded responsiveness to movement impulse helps the body become
fully alive and orgasmic. The same applies to sound. I suggest they
find the sound their body wants to make, and let it become bigger. For
some people, this is a mighty roar. For others, it is a quiet whisper. A
relaxed, alive body and a mind entirely focused on pleasure are key
ingredients for experiencing prolonged orgasmic states.
Exercise 9: Expand Orgasms with Breath

Another ingredient for expanded orgasm is the use of breath. Here
are four breath techniques I share with clients.
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A. Come like a Lion

As you begin to orgasm, slowly breathe out and make noise. By
extending your exhalation while you make sound, you can expand the
duration and intensity of your orgasm. Work towards extending your
orgasm through one long out-breath, a quick intake of breath, and then
another one or two breaths. As long as your throat is open to sound
and your heart is open to pleasure, the orgasmic wave can continue to
flow through you.
B. Suspended Breath and Extended Exhalation

Orgasm scientist Nan Wise developed this technique, which was
popularized on the internet by Susan Crain Bakos. As you build up
to orgasm, stall your breath. Take a shallow inhale and hold it, then
let it slowly out. Keep doing this for several seconds. It should feel like
you are in a place of stalled breathing because you are inhaling and
exhaling small amounts of air. When you are almost at orgasm, take
a deep breath and hold it. As you feel the orgasm begin, exhale in a
big, extended breath while imagining sparks flying out of your vagina.
Enjoy your extended and expanded orgasm.
C. Breathe to Arouse
You can move your body into a more excited, orgasm-focused
state by simply lengthening your inhalation relative to your exhalation.
Breathe in deeply to a count of four. Let your breath fall out quickly,
though without effort. Keep doing this for awhile and notice how you
feel.
D. Fire Breath
Pant like a dog. Breathe as quickly and noisily as possible. Doing
this for a very short period—no longer than 15 seconds when first start-
ing—wakes up the body and focuses the mind.
Physiologically, these short, fast, upper-chest breaths are a con-
trolled and conscious version of a “stress-breath.” Fire Breathing rec-
reates the adrenal stimulation that occurs with stress. Stress responses
81
include increased heart rate, sensitivity to external stimulus, narrowing

of attention, and sensory focus. Invoked consciously and mindfully, they
can increase both pleasure and presence.
Tips for the non-orgasmic
• Vibrate the external clitoris with a good-quality electric vi-

brator like the Hitachi Magic Wand. Use the vibrator during
self-pleasuring, erotic massage and partner sex.
• Take more time.
• Use lots of oil or lube.
• Find, read and watch erotica that stimulates sexual feeling.
• Fantasize! Fantasies are safe places to explore the unlived life
and the unacknowledged parts of the self.
• Expand the definition of orgasm. Include all sensations of
“climax,” fulfillment and release—both inside and outside of
genital sex.
• Explore the joys of non-orgasmic sexuality.
Conclusion
Imagine a world where men and women are taught how to touch
the vulva with great skill and care. Where we know in our bones that
exquisite sexual attention is every woman’s birthright. Where every
lover knows how to support each woman in a deep relaxation of her
body, mind and spirit, where they assume her entitlement to boundless
pleasure, while honoring her needs, her moods, and her “No.”
This is a world where women have no fear of sexual violence and
no compulsion to endure unwanted touch. They have no anxiety about
sexual selfishness and taking too long to orgasm. They don’t jump up
after just one orgasm to “give back.” And yet there is no need or com-
pulsion to find pleasure in any encounter, because some days what
matters more is finding grief, feeling rage, or expressing vengeance for
places and times it wasn’t safe to do this.
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Women and girls need space, time and ongoing support to claim
and reclaim their sexual power, transform limiting beliefs, celebrate
their bodies, and heal past wounds. As givers of erotic massage, we can
support women on this important journey. We can work and play to
co-create a world where each woman can shine with her full radiance.
Resources
Workshops
Body Electric courses for women.
Caffyn Jesse, Women’s Temple.
Videos
Betty Dodson, The Orgasm Doctor. Two private hands-on Sex Coaching ses-
sions.
Books
Susan Crain Bakos, The Orgasm Loop. Quiver, 2008
Betty Dodson. Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving. Harmony, 1996.
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App r o a c h e s t o V u l v a T o u c h
APPROACHES TO VULVA TOUCH
E very massage recipient is different, and every time with

every massage recipient is different. These approaches to vulva
touch are offered to help you build a vocabulary of possibilities. You
may want to use excerpts and combine the approaches in different
situations.
Mindful Erotic Practice Ritual
“Orgasmic Meditation” is a particular erotic ritual involving stimu-

lation of the clitoral glans, taught and practiced by the One Taste com-
munity. Many variations of erotic ritual are taught in video lessons on
Joseph Kramer’s Orgasmic Yoga website. Both “Orgasmic Meditation”
and “Orgasmic Yoga” suggest a prearranged ritual with prescribed and
limited forms of erotic touch. This is an especially useful approach to
share when coaching busy couples who want to become more tuned-
in sexually.
In an erotic ritual you can practice tuning into your sensations and
feelings 100% because giving is separate from receiving. Receiving is
usually the more challenging role. It is hard to let go of worrying about
the other’s pleasure, and go completely into your own.
With an erotic ritual, both people practice simply “showing up”
ready to give or receive erotic touch. Too often, people wait to engage
in sexual activity only when they are simultaneously “in the mood.”
This is a set-up for infrequent and disappointing sexual experiences.
85
People can change that paradigm by scheduling an erotic ritual that

happens whether they feel horny or don’t, whether they get aroused
or not. They show up for themselves, their partners, and their erotic
possibilities in a whole new way.
Exercise 10: Erotic Ritual for Women

The giver of touch stays clothed. The receiver of touch removes her
clothes from the waist down, and lies down on a bed or the floor with
her legs open. The giver sits comfortably beside the receiver. When the
receiver is ready, the giver rests their hand for some moments in the
genital area. They then apply lube and stroke the receiver’s genitals for
fifteen minutes, using a timer.
When giving, go slowly and use very little pressure. Welcome guid-
ance from the person receiving. Try a repetitive stroke such as this:
1. Pet downwards, using your three longest fingers. The middle fin-
ger glides along the shaft and glans of the clitoris and the outside
of the vaginal opening, the other two fingers run along the place
where the thigh meets the labia. As a variation, try running your
outside fingers between her inner and outer labia.
2. Make a Y with forefinger and index finger and stimulate the clito-
ris and the labia with a scissoring motion.
3. Pull back the hood of the clitoris and massage the glans very, very
lightly and very, very slowly. Use the same amount of pressure as
if you were touching an eyelid.
Remember to use lots and lots of lube. Silicone lube may be best for
this practice.
Repeating the same stroke over and over helps change this into a
ritual rather than a regular erotic experience. Mindful awareness can
build in both of you. There is no worry about what to do or what will
happen next. There is simply an opportunity for the receiver to sink into
total awareness of genital sensation. The giver of touch should remain
completely focused on what they are doing.
End by quietly holding the receiver’s genitals, with complete atten-
tion. This grounds the sexual energy that has built up in your bodies. You
86
can each share a description of one particularly memorable moment

of sensation while avoiding evaluating or comparing the experience.
Taoist Erotic Massage
Mindfully receiving a Taoist Erotic Massage can be an ecstatic ex-

ploration of the life-force energy within us. The rhythmic breathing
and genital stimulation of the Taoist Erotic Massage can activate al-
tered states of consciousness. Receiving this massage can be a journey
to a deeper wisdom, a way to feel sacred spirit within our cells.
Dr. Joseph Kramer developed Taoist Erotic Massage in the 1980’s
through his work with men at the Body Electric School. He merged
the ancient wisdom of Tantra and Taoism with the insights of western
sexology, psychology and neurobiology, developing a powerful practice
that can evolve and integrate body, mind, spirit and emotions. It was
Dr. Annie Sprinkle who combined her commitment to women’s em-
powerment with her knowledge of women’s genital anatomy to create
a Taoist Erotic Massage routine for women. She developed massage
strokes designed to awaken the entire clitoral complex, and taught
Taoist Erotic Massage in workshops around the world. She worked
with Joseph Kramer to create the video “Fire in the Valley” on Taoist
Erotic Massage for women.
Writing of Taoist Erotic Massage, Annie Sprinkle says, “Our sex-
uality is not only something that can be used for the enhancement of
an intimate relationship, for physical pleasure or for procreation. It
can also be used for personal transformation, physical and emotional
healing, self-realization and spiritual growth, and as a way to learn
all of life and death. A focused, sexually awakened group of wom-
en is a divine and extremely powerful force that can not only inspire
each woman in that group, but has the potential to contribute to the
well-being of all life on earth. That is the intention of this ritual.”
The following exercise is adapted from a pamphlet by Annie Sprin-
kle and Joseph Kramer (undated, used with permission).
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Exercise 11: Taoist Erotic Massage for Women

Please Note: The following is a list of options that might or might not
be pleasurable. It is not a list to get through. Every woman is different
in what she enjoys. Stay in communication. Be sensitive to non-verbal
cues.
I. Cast a Circle
Begin with a general discussion about what she wants from the
ritual and how she likes to be touched. State the intentions for the ritual.
Guide her into deep breathing.
II. Come into the Body

A. Massage the back of her body using stretches, vibrations, glides,
circles and kneading. Brush her skin with your fingertips. Massage her
scalp. Pinch her fingers and toes. Rock her body.
B. Repeat massage on her front side.
C. Incorporate breast massage.
Ill. Waking up the Neighborhood

A. Over Ovaries. Rub your palms together to generate heat. Lay
warm palms over her ovary area. This really generates sexual energy.
B. The Womb Warmer. Spiral palms over uterus area.
C. The Heart/Vulva Palm Rest. Rest one hand over her heart, the
other over her vulva. Massage the channel in between.
D. Vibrate that Vulva. Place your whole hand over her vulva and
vibrate. Vibrate her heart center with other hand.
Now put on your vinyl gloves.
IV. The Vulva

A. Vulva Petting. Lubricate gloves, or sensually drip oil directly onto
her vulva. Pet with long slow strokes, top to bottom, and bottom to
top. Beware that some women find “up-strokes” uncomfortable as this
exposes the ultra-sensitive glans of the clitoris.
B. Tug On Pubic Hair
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C. Open her Blossom and Blow. Peel open the labia and blow gen-
tly onto the mucosal membrane. (Never, ever blow into the vagina. This
is dangerous!).
D. Tapping. Lightly tap the vulva. You can tap gently with one fin-
ger on the clitoral glans. The urethral opening can also be deliciously
sensitive.
E. Outer Labia Lip Massage/Inner Labia Lip Massage. Pinch the lips
between your thumb and fingertips and lovingly massage. (Lip sizes
will vary widely.)
F. Drumming. Tap and slap her whole body, especially the inner
thighs, heart center, and vulva. Use your fingers as if you are playing
a drum.
G. The Triple Digit Vulva Pet. Use the three longest fingers with the
middle finger gliding along outside of the vaginal opening, the other
two fingers running along the place where the thigh meets the labia.
H. Labia Shiatsu. Press into the legs of the clitoris around the pelvic
opening with your thumbs.
I. Vulva Palm Press and Palm Circles. Pulse deeply into the tissues of
the vulva with your whole hand. Press deeply into the tissues and make
circles with your palm, engaging the whole clitoral complex.
V. The Clitoral Glans

A. Gentle Touch and Tickle. Tickle the glans of the clitoris extremely
lightly. Add more pressure if you are touching through the hood.
B. Rock Around The Clit Clock. With forefinger make tiny circles,
stopping at every one of the twelve hours around the glans.
C. Pinch and pull. Grasp the clitoral shaft through the hood, and pull
on it. Go up and down along the shaft. Roll it in your fingers.
D. Scissors. Make a Y with forefinger and index finger and stimulate
the clitoris and the labia with a scissoring motion.
E. Tour de France. Orbit your forefinger around between her inner
and outer labia from perineum to above the clitoral glans. Add a little
circle around the glans.
F. Three-finger Circles. Press three fingers down into the clitoral hood
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and massage the glans and surrounding area with three fingers moving
in a circle. Be sure you are pressing deeply and firmly enough so that
you are moving all the flesh in this area in a circular motion.
G. U-Spot. Lightly tapping the urethral opening can feel very plea-
surable to some women.
H. As She Likes It. Massage her clitoral glans as she likes it. (Ask!
Get her to show you how.)
I. Enjoy witnessing her self-pleasuring.
Be sure to incorporate massaging other areas of her body whenever
possible, spreading the energy down her thighs and legs, and up her
body to her third eye and out the top of her head.
VI. Internal Massage

Ask her if she’d like you to enter her temple gates. Be aware that
some women do not want to be penetrated at all. Some women like
to be penetrated with a baby finger only, while some like a whole fist.
Some women like lots of movement and activity. Others like very quiet,
meditative touch. Use lube, lube and more lube. Keep pleasuring her
external clitoris with one hand while you go inside with the other, or
invite her to touch herself.
A. Waiting at the Gate. With one finger tickle the vaginal opening
as lightly as possible. Make her hungry.
B. Invitation to the Temple. With one hand on her heart, place a
finger at the introitus (entrance to the vagina). Allow her to draw you in.
C. Entering the Temple to Pray. Insert forefinger ever so slowly. Hold
still. Just be there.
D. The Four Directions. Press firmly up/ to the side/ down/ to the
side, several times each side.
E. Perineal Sponge. Massage the sensitive perineal sponge by
pressing into the back wall of the vagina, towards the anus. Begin
with simple pressure, and then circling with one or two fingers. Circle
in both directions. Begin gently, and gradually increase the pressure if
she likes it.
F. G-Spot / Urethral Sponge. Gently massage the entire urethral
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sponge. Circle both directions. Gradually increase pressure if she likes

it. See if there is one area of the sponge that is more sensitive.
G. Pulses. Press into her urethral sponge gently, like ringing a door-
bell, Press/release/press... Begin slowly and then increase the speed
and pressure if she requests it.
H. Triple Goddess. Insert thumb into vagina, curl palm around onto
clitoris, fingertips on top of pubic bone. Alternate stimulation between
the three areas; the urethral sponge, the clitoral glans, and the pubic
mound.
I. A-Spot. Reaching up past the urethral sponge, stimulate the upper
wall of the vagina. Try pulses and gentle stroking, back and forth and
side to side.
J. The Cervix. Find the cervix and stimulate it gently, using the tips of
your fingers. Alternate cervical stimulation with G-spot stimulation and
clitoral stimulation, 10 seconds each.
K. Screwing. Massage in and out while twisting at the wrist.
L. Healing Thrust. Some women might sometimes want deep, vigor-
ous penetration. Make sure she is very relaxed and breathing deeply.
M. More Fingers? If she says that another finger would feel even
better, you can repeat all the strokes above, using two fingers. Keep
adding more fingers if she requests them.
N. Silent Duck. Shape one hand to resemble a duck’s beak, with all
five digits kept straight and held as close together as possible. Slowly
insert into a very well lubricated vagina.
O. Fisting. Once the hand is inside, some women enjoy the fingers
formed into a fist, thumb on the inside. The fist is either held still or
moved slowly in a meditative, massage-like way. Fisting works wonders
to relax the whole pelvis and builds a lot of sexual energy.
P. Stillness. Hold completely still with your finger(s) or hand inside
her vagina. Don’t move, just be there, meditate. Let her sink into full
awareness of inner sensation.
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VII. The Vibrator

(Be sure to use a condom when vibrator is shared. Use a non-latex
condom, as oil dissolves latex.)
A. Good Vibrations. Vibrate all over her body. Include bottoms of
feet, inner thighs, shoulders, back of the neck. Vibrate sensitive areas
like heart and throat with the vibrator on top of the hand.
B. Vibrate the Chakras. Begin at the perineum, and lead her through
a meditative awakening of all the chakras. End with one hand on the
crown chakra and return the vibrator to the root (See Exercise 5).
C. Pulses. Press/release/press/release, on clit area.
D. Vibrate the Clitoris. Some women don’t like the vibrator directly
on the clitoris, but to the side of it.
E. Vibrate vaginal opening.
VIII. Spreading The Energy

Throughout the massage, take the energy from her vulva and spread
it down her legs, and up her torso and head.
IX. The Big Draw

Remove your hands or keep touching her, as you prefer. Invite her
to take staccato breaths with you, using the breathing pattern sniff-sniff-
blow. After about twenty of these short, fast breaths, breathe a long
breath in, and breathe it out with a hiss. Breathe a long breath in, and
breathe it out with a sigh. Now guide her to hold her breath as she tens-
es her entire body, beginning with the vulva, ass, abdominal muscles,
chest, and down through the arms, legs, hands and feet, and even the
face. Hold the clench, and hold the breath, until you are ready to just
let go. Let everything go.
Stay present, don’t talk. If you are touching her, stay completely still
until she guides you to remove your hands. Don’t ‘fluff the energy’. Hold
the space. Bask in the afterglow. Take lots of time here. (The Big Draw
can also be done by stretching instead of clenching. This is a good
practice if she is dealing with chronic tension in the pelvic floor.)
If you have discussed this beforehand when setting intention for the
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ritual, you both might want to practice “Sex Magic” as you visualize
your prayers, wishes, desires, and dedications getting sent out into the
universe on the wave of energy you send up.
X. Grounding and Ending

A. Look lovingly into her face until she opens her eyes.
B. Towel off oil.
C. Speak from the heart if desired. Maintain silence if desired.
D. Touch her shoulder, help her sit up. Support her back.
E. Open the circle.
This ritual will be more meaningful if you each take time afterwards
to pay attention to your experience. Make notes about what happened,
the feeling states you experienced, and the distractions that came up
for you.
Pelvic Opening Massage
To support the relatively recent evolutionary project of walking on

two legs, humans have a vital adaptation—the pelvic diaphragm. This
structure is composed of deep interior muscles and connective tissues
that bind the body together and support our organs. The muscles and
tissues of the pelvic diaphragm are meant to form a strong and supple
core structure that moves and stretches with every breath. But very few
people do this deep breathing regularly. Chronic shallow upper-chest
breath leaves the pelvic diaphragm static and the tissues unoxygenated.
Add to this the day-to-day stress of immobility. We sit in chairs,
rather than moving, squatting, and stretching out the lower back and
the pelvis. Then add all the ways pelvic tension accrues around the
genitals and sexual feeling. Disavowal of sexual feeling, disapproval of
masturbation, slut-shaming—these attitudes and events show up as
tension in the pelvic diaphragm. Add sexual trauma.
Add scar tissue in the abdomen, whether from sexually transmitted
infections, rape, surgery, childbirth, or simply chronic tension in the
pelvic muscles. Adhesions and constrictions create reduced blood flow,
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and an inhospitable environment for the nerves, blood vessels and

structures throughout the pelvic basin. This can result in debilitating
conditions including genital numbness or reduced sensation, chronic
pain, and a variety of sexual dysfunctions.
The purpose and function of a “Pelvic Opening Massage” is to bring
relaxation, awareness and sensation to the internal pelvic musculature.
As we touch with precision and ongoing communication, the woman
being massaged can better sense her interior landscape. Relaxing the
pelvic diaphragm with intervaginal massage can assist her in deepen-
ing her breath and expanding her capacity for sexual feeling. It can
help her release long-held traumas and heal chronic pain. I learned
of this massage first from materials developed by K. Ruby, a Certified
Sexological Bodyworker whose teachings are part of the Sexologi-
cal Bodywork training. Healing intervaginal massage has also been
offered and articulated by Oregon physiotherapist Tami Lynn Kent.
Often when traumatic experiences occur, the body cannot fully
process them. So the experiences are held in the tissues where they
show up as tension, numbness or inability to be present when the areas
that suffered trauma are touched. With a “Pelvic Opening Massage”
we consciously and mindful go into this tension and engage it, with
time and space for energy, emotions and memories to come up. Re-
leases can trigger deep grief, shaking, crying, difficult memories, or
unexpected pleasure.
The success of the massage depends on the ability of both giver and
receiver to be deeply engaged in their experience, fully present, open
and curious.
This massage can be adapted for interanal work with people of all
genders.
Exercise 12: Pelvic Opening Massage

As you begin:
Talk with her about her intentions for receiving the massage. Find out
what she needs to feel comfortable and safe.
Start with at least 20 minutes of full-body massage.
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Ask her if she would like to begin exploring genital touch. Hold
your hands over the vulva. Gently massage the external vulva. As this
massage is about healing, and not about pleasure, she may be uncom-
fortable with any pleasurable feelings that arise from genital stimulation.
Be mindful and stay in communication.
Be sure to use enough lubricant so that she feels comfortable. Castor
oil is a good choice for the internal massage, as it will help the tissues
to release. It is too viscous for external massage, where coconut oil is
preferable.
Rest your finger at the opening of the vagina. Invite her to move her
body onto your hand when she is ready for internal touch. Go about
an inch inside with your finger.
Imagine her vaginal opening as a clock face, with 12 o’clock in the
centre top, towards the pubic bone, and 6 o’clock at the centre bottom,
towards the anus. Review the clock image with her and tell her that you
will press into each one of the twelve hours, and hold it. Do so, moving
around the clock, letting her know where you are pressing. Hold strong-
ly for a long time at each “hour.”
As you hold each point, gradually intensify the pressure, feeling into
the skin, fascia, muscle and bone levels. Ask her at each point to guide
you into giving more or less pressure. She may want a lot of pressure
on some points.
This treatment can be ergonomically challenging for the giver. You
will likely have to change fingers and hand positions to remain com-
fortable. Be sure to move very, very slowly. Stay in communication with
receiver. Tell her what you are doing and what you are about to do.
Never take your hand away or enter abruptly.
At each point, as you hold it, you can ask her what she is expe-
riencing—sensation, numbness, heat, restriction, pleasure? Also take
time to hold with silence, allowing her to go deeply into her own inner
experience.
While you are holding various points inside the vagina, be pre-
pared to hold space for whatever is happening for her. As memories,
emotions, spontaneous sound or movement arise, know there is nothing
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you need to fix. You can encourage her breathing and grounding. If
you get worried, ask her to communicate with you or ask her what she
needs.
Some of the points you touch may feel numb to the woman receiving,
and some may be painful. Having the point held may release sensation
or ease discomfort. Some points may create arousal. Just breathe into
the sensations.
Once you have gone around the clock with holding, you may de-
cide to try a deep intervaginal massage that works on freeing any
adhesions in the tissues.
You may wish to go a little deeper into the vagina, and do the 12
points plus releasing massage at a deeper level. Or you may wish to
save this work for another day.
When the massage is complete for the day, and you have removed
your fingers from inside her, cup her vulva again with your hands and
rest quietly with her.
Be sure to leave time for sharing observations and feelings.
Healing Touch Meditation
I developed this meditation for survivors of sexual abuse and trau-

ma, based on Stephen Levine’s “Opening-The-Heart-Of-The-Womb
Meditation” in his book Healing into Life and Death. I usually speak
some of these words to the touch recipient, while offering a tender,
slow, body-honoring touch.
This meditation can be offered to a person who is fully clothed,
using imagination and awareness to “touch” their inner world. The im-
ages can be adapted for anal trauma and for work with people of all
genders.
Exercise 13: Healing Touch Meditation

Allow the woman receiving to rest comfortably, face up, on a warm
massage table in a warm environment. Ask that they let you know
when they feel ready to receive your touch. Wait until requested. When
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asked to touch, begin by quietly holding one of her hands. Synchronize

your breath.
When it feels right, move to the top of her head. Touching the scalp,
allow a merciful awareness to gently receive the sensations arising—
the softness of the scalp against the skullcap, the roundness of the brow.
Use gentle touch to release any tension around the eyes, and move
slowly through the face. Palpate the cheeks, the ears. Feel the mus-
cles of the jaw begin to soften as they let life in, in mercy and loving
kindness. The weight of her head can be held in your hands. Feel her
gradually letting go, gradually trusting you to hold her weight.
Let your awareness, and your touch, proceed downward into the
throat and the neck. Feel the long muscles that extend from the base of
the skull soften as they are held. Feel them as they spread out into the
shoulders.
Gently hold the throat, with no pressure. Feel in the darkness of the
throat the long unsaid, the often swallowed away, touched by deep
acceptance and loving kindness.
Feel gently down into the pectoral muscles, at the top of the chest.
Reach behind the shoulders. Offer a gentle, comforting hug that re-
ceives her body as it vibrates with aliveness.
Feel the strength in her shoulders, the musculature, the bones, the
tendons that allow her remarkable capacity for movement. Feel how
this miracle extends down each arm, filling the palm, vibrating to the
tip of each finger. Feel how life animates the muscles, extending down
the arms into the hands. Feel the capacity for movement, for service, for
pleasure, within the hands’ ability to reach out and to touch, draw, dig,
hold, clean, bandage and caress.
Feel the chest rising and falling naturally with each breath. How the
breath breathes itself in trust, each breath following the last effortlessly.
Feel the heart beating within, the lungs gently opening with each breath.
Invite her to notice, as you touch. Notice any sensations around the
heart. Wait, allowing her to soften any holding there. Let the sensations
float in a new mercy, a deeper kindness.
Cup and hold her breasts. Take time to allow sensation to arise here.
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Let the breasts be held in healing awareness, a loving kindness that

honors their capacity for sensation, for giving and receiving life.
Now let your touch proceed gently down the front of her body, feel-
ing the ribs as they spread out like a protective canopy above the open
softness of the stomach and belly. Place your hands on the belly, without
pressure. You may feel her belly tighten with anxiety or shame. Just rest
there with loving kindness and allow her belly to soften, to receive heal-
ing. Feel the breath breathing itself in soft belly. Feel the muscles rising
and falling with each breath.
Continue touching, brushing your hands briefly and gently across
the pelvic area. Notice whatever tension arises. Feel this whole area
in softness and mercy. Let your awareness pass tenderly through the
genitals and continue through the upper legs, thighs, and calves. Move
slowly to the soles of the feet. Feel the rootedness with the earth at the
bottom of each foot.
Allow awareness to fill the legs, gradually moving up from the soles
of the feet to the upper legs. Invite her to feel the strength and durability
of the legs, knees, ankles and feet. Feel the preciousness of each step
they are able to provide. Feel the quality of tingling and vibration in
the lower body. Feel legs, feet, knees, hips, as an aliveness in the body.
Allow awareness to gradually gather toward the inside of the upper
legs. Feel the area between the knees, the sensation of space, the tin-
gling of skin and muscle. Let your touch move up into that space at the
very top of the legs.
Gently move toward the inguinal crease, and then the pubic mound.
Let your hand rest lightly there. Just receiving very tenderly whatever
sensations are arising.
Gently move your hand slowly down between her legs, to rest on the
labia. Simply holding. Allowing sensation to arise in your hand.
Let your hands brush across the outer labia and rest gently on the
clitoris. Feel the subtle wrinkles of the clitoral hood, the inner labia. Pour
warm oil as a sacred anointing over your hand resting on her genitals.
Slowly and gently brush the warm oil into the tissues.
Allow a soft awareness to receive the sensations there at the genitals
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with great mercy and tenderness.

Allowing the awareness to gather as it will. Take time. Without the
least sense of rushing or urgency, move your hand down towards the
vaginal opening. Feel the ruffled fringes that protect this tender en-
trance of the body.
Just holding and allowing awareness to gather there at the opening
into the body. With mercy, tenderly moving through the shadows and
light.
Gently allowing the light, the mercy to enter into the vaginal open-
ing. This merciful entrance. Holding your finger there, at the introitus.
If she wishes to feel you inside, invite her to move her body onto
your well-oiled finger.
Slowly. With great mercy and tenderness. Holding still inside this
temple.
Allowing awareness to soften and receive life as it enters the body.
Allowing mercy to receive the sensations. Moving so tenderly into the
vagina. The tissues softening as they receive this loving awareness, ex-
panding into the body with acceptance, with sweet tenderness. Touch-
ing so gently with mercy and awareness the subtle tissues of the vagina.
Let awareness receive the inner body with mercy and loving kind-
ness.
Let your connection fill gradually with the light of mercy.
Let the soft light of the heart shine there in the vagina.
Letting the vagina soften, letting it open.
Letting it just be. In loving kindness, in gentle, healing mercy.
Sense the strong trunk of the vagina opening into the great dome of
the womb. Sense the fallopian tubes extending like branches from this
tree of life. Feel a loving kindness slowly expanding from the vagina,
filling her whole body with a healing mercy and gentleness.
Allow the light of loving kindness to heal, to allow her wholeness.
Feel her whole body filled with light. Filled with mercy. Filled at last with
tender mercy. With tender care.
With one hand inside her vagina, place your other hand on her
heart. And let the heart meet the genitals. Let the upper heart gradually
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sink into the lower heart of the vulva. Two hearts beating together, up-
per and lower, forming one shimmering star of being, of kindness, of
completion.
Let it be. Allow the light and the darkness to be.
If it feels right, this prayer may be helpful:
“May we be free of a past of pain and confusion.
May we let our genitals, our hearts, be filled with their own

natural light.
May we be whole unto ourselves.
May we be at peace.
May all beings be free from suffering.
May all beings know the joy of their true luminescent being.
May we all meet in mercy, in noninjury, in compassion.
May we be healed.
May all beings be free.”
Standing G-Spot Massage: A 10-Step Technique
As a Somatic Sex Educator, I have long studied the anatomy of

arousal, the G-Spot and female ejaculation. But I had never heard of
the link between this system and the Lymphatic System until a fortu-
nate meeting with Dr. Paul Tinari.
Tinari is a research epidemiologist who has spent many years
studying bio-fluid mechanics and the movement of fluids such as
lymph throughout the body. When Tinari’s partner was diagnosed
with breast cancer and died at the age of 39, he became passionate
about uncovering the role that lymph played in the development of
disease. After many years of research, Tinari became convinced that
the stagnation of lymph in the body is a significant contributing fac-
tor to the development of breast cancer and many other diseases. As
a result, he dedicated himself to the study of lymph massage, energy,
sexual and tantric techniques from masters around the world. From
this research work, he developed advanced techniques to stimulate the
flow of vital fluids throughout the body. He has a system of lymph
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massage for breast tissue health and a simple, but effective system to
encourage the discharge of large volumes of ejaculate which he de-
scribes as “lymphatic fluid.”
The woman receiving this massage will need to be well-hydrated in
order to experience the discharge of lymph. Invite women you work
with to drink lots of water and also to pee first, so they will be reas-
sured that their bladders are empty.
Exercise 14: Standing G-Spot Massage

Begin the G-Spot Massage in a standing position, if possible. Stand-
ing up makes it easier for the woman to expel ejaculate.
1. Deep Pelvic Breathing

Have her lean back against you and encourage her deep pelvic
breathing. Invite her to clear her mind, and focus on body sensation.
2. Activate the Flow of Lymph

Begin with gentle touch on the forehead and scalp. Stimulate the
flow of lymph, and build connection and trust.
3. Body Honoring
Use your touch to express acceptance and honoring of all parts of
the body. Light stroking activates the lymphatic system and encourages
the flow of lymphatic fluid towards the groin.
4. Open the Heart

Touch the breasts very, very gently. Touch the very tip of the nipple
with a barely perceptible touch. Your underexpression allows the full
flow of her energy. Gently massage the nipple outwards, in a circular
direction. This opens the heart chakra.
5. Abdominal Massage
Continue the circular massage all the way down her abdomen.
Comfort, connect and reassure.
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6. Outer Labia Massage

Very gently stimulate the outer labia, at the top of the thighs. The
goal of this light touch is to stimulate her arousal while eliminating her
fear that you will be too rough, or seek to penetrate her too soon.
7. Inner Labia Massage

After she begins to lubricate naturally, add oil and caress her inner
labia.
8. Clitoral Glans, Shaft and Hood

Here every woman is different in her sensitivity, and what she enjoys.
Experiment and ask for direction. Wait until the clitoris is fully erect
before proceeding.
9. G-Spot Massage
Gently moving inside the vagina with adequate lubrication, press
into the urethral sponge and then release. Dr. Timari suggests begin-
ning by pulsing with a relaxing rhythm of .8 of a second.
As the G-Spot system becomes activated, use the same pulsing
stroke at double the speed. You can double this again at higher levels
of arousal.
10. Ejaculation
When the urethral sponge is engorged, and she feels she has to pee,
suggest that she bear down and push it the fluid out.
After a good flow of ejaculate, rest for a minute or two, and offer
integrative, whole-body touch. Allow the glands to refill.
Then see if you can keep going, and she can enjoy more ejaculatory
orgasms.
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Resources
Videos
Instructional videos on Orgasmic Meditation (YouTube):
How to OM
The Story of the Ignited Man
Orgasmic Yoga Institute:
Cherry Blossom Caress.
New School of Erotic Touch:
Fire in the Valley Instructional video class by Annie Sprinkle and Joseph
Kramer on Taoist Erotic Massage for women.
Tallulah Sulis, Divine Nectar: Exploring Female Ejaculation
Books
Tami Lynn Kent, Wild Feminine: Finding Power, Spirit & Joy in the Female
Body. Atria Books/Beyond Words, 2011
Deborah Sundahl, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot: Not Your Mother’s Or-
gasm Book! Hunter House, 2003
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T o u c hi n g M e n
TOUCHING MEN
Introduction
I want to live in a world where boys and men embrace their soft-
ness and sensitivity, their creativity and kindness. Can you imagine a
world where these aspects of masculinity are honored and celebrated?
This is a world where no child is shamed and filled with fear, what-
ever their gender presentation or sexual identity. It is a world where
genital mutilation is consigned to history. Where boys and men are
supported in healing their woundedness. Where men and women and
those who are both or neither all learn to honor and cultivate the joys
of soft penises and the inner world.
In the cultural construction of gender, men seem to have more
permission to be sexual. This “permission” is actually a very narrow
prescription: to be sexual with young women, to be sexual with hard
penises, to be sexual in ways that assert the power and authority of
phallic masculinity. How terrible this is for boys and men! In iden-
tifying with phallic masculinity, they are meant to become unfeeling,
hard and closed. What then of the actual body, that still feels, fears
and wants?
In my practice, I see men who suffer intense shame because they are
experiencing one of the common sexual dysfunctions: premature ejac-
ulation, erectile dysfunction, inhibited ejaculation. Or they feel shame
because they are tuned in to the joys of anal eroticism, and have no
105
permission to explore this in their lives. Other men suffer because they
want no more of the sterile connections they have had with others
and feel turned off sex. Some men feel extremely sexual, but have no
place to express this. If they have been circumcised, they may carry
trauma and scar tissue that inhibits intimacy. Some men feel compul-
sive and addicted in their masturbation practices, others feel inhibited
and joyless. Some men feel shame about homosexual experience and
desire. They feel shame about penis size and function. They can feel in-
tense shame, grief, fear and paradoxical desires when contending with
a personal history of anal rape. There are so many ways that men are
wounded sexually, and yet we live in a culture in which there is no per-
mission for men to explore, express and grieve how they are wounded
around sex.
As givers of erotic massage, we are able to offer a unique gift to
men. We touch them in ways that honor the whole body, and make
no demand of them. As receivers of an erotic massage, they don’t need
a hard penis. They don’t need to interact in ways that assert mascu-
line authority and repudiate anal eroticism. We touch in ways that
celebrate every penis as beautiful in its unique configuration. We can
offer the embodied insight that the penis is not a phallus—not—or
not only—a symbol of power and privilege—but a sensitive, vulnera-
ble, soft compilation of tissue, nerves, blood and skin. We invite quiet
contemplation of sexual sensation, and celebrate wild expressions of
sexual pleasure. There are few men who do not find this form of erotic
interaction healing, affirming, and liberating.
Male Genital Anatomy
Just as with women, male genital anatomy comes in a vast diversity

of unique configurations. Penises have unique personalities! Scrotal
sacs can be huge or tiny. Foreskins can be frilly or smooth. Some shafts
are thick and some are thin, some long and some short. Some bend
sideways. Sometimes the shaft looks very different when engorged,
while other penises show much less variation.
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The foreskin covering the penis is specialized tissue, composed of

skin, mucosa, nerves, blood vessels, and muscle fibers. The tissue of
the foreskin has great elasticity. It is extensively innervated and built
for pleasure. Because it is not attached to the shaft of the penis, the
foreskin is free to slide back and forth, rolling inside out as it goes.
In adult men it can stretch and roll out when the penis is erect, and
afterwards return to its forward, protective position. In the forward
position the foreskin functions to protect the mucosal surface of the
glans. The fibers of the peripenic muscle sheath form a whorl at the
tip of the foreskin, which acts as a sphincter (the preputial sphincter).
There is a concentration of nerve endings in the ring of ridged tissue
just inside the tip of the foreskin. Below this boundary the skin is
mucosal tissue. Like the clitoral glans, the glans of the penis is natu-
rally moist and soft. In circumcised men, the surface of the glans must
become toughened and dry as the exquisitely sensitive nerve endings
retreat behind a hardened surface. Men who have been circumcised
are scarred to varying degrees. It can be healing to honor this scar
tissue by witnessing it, holding it, and massaging it with oil. (See more
in the chapter Healing Painful Sex).
Up to half the cock is inside the body. The perineum and the scro-
tum are highly innervated and very sensitive to touch, as is the anal
area. Internal anatomical structures are also highly innervated, partic-
ularly the prostate gland. (See Figure 19).
Men are all innervated differently. Circumcision, abdominal sur-
gery and masturbatory habits variously affect them. There are many
ways in which the feeling capacities of genital nerves are stimulated
or compromised.
Some men readily enjoy internal stimulation, while for others it
takes patient education and practice. Some men need very gentle
touch, and others respond best to high-friction strokes. As with plea-
suring the vulva, this can change within a session and between sessions,
with the degree of arousal and the stage of life. Learning genital anat-
omy cannot replace communication and creativity, every time, with
each recipient of your touch.
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Figure 16. Male external genitalia. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn
Jesse.
108
Figure 17. The male pelvis, saggital view. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with
Caffyn Jesse.
109
Figures 18 a, b, and c. Male genital anatomy showing changes with arousal and
engorgement. a. When erectile tissues are not engorged, the foreskin completely
covers the glans. b. As the corpus cavernosum fills with blood, the penis expands
in size. The loose skin of the foreskin retracts, exposing the glans. Bulbourethral
glands (aka Cowper’s glands) secrete pre-cum. c. With the foreskin fully retracted,
the mucosal membrane of the glans and inner foreskin is exposed. Urethral opening
dilates, glans color deepens. Testicles elevate and rotate forward. Drawings by S.
Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
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Arousal and Erection
Genital engorgement begins in the brain. Nerves in the brain send

chemical messages to nerves in the genitals, telling blood vessels to
relax so that blood can flow freely into them. In men who experience
engorgement with arousal, the arteries leading into the penis open
up so that pressurized blood can enter the penis quickly. The veins
leaving the penis constrict. Pressurized blood is trapped in the corpora
cavernosa, and this blood causes the penis to elongate and stiffen. The
penis becomes erect. If the chemical messages get blocked, or arteries
leading to the penis don’t open up, or the veins relax, the erection
doesn’t happen or is not sustained.
Arousal and erection are not equivalent. Arousal and orgasm can
happen without any engorgement of the genital tissues. I always en-
courage massage recipients to focus on their arousal and not their erec-
tion. It is typical for the penis to tumese and detumese several times
during an extended period of genital massage. For some men this is
disconcerting. Most men enjoy exploring the vast range of sexual re-
sponse that becomes possible in an arena where erection is irrelevant.
Exercise 15: Mapping the Male Genitals

After relaxing the recipient with a full-body massage, you can ap-
proach genital touch by waking up the neighborhood. Spiral palms
over lower belly. Caress the legs and the inner thighs. Lay your palms
over the inguinal crease.
Gently place your whole hand over the genital area and simply hold
the penis. Allow the energy to rise beneath your hand.
Reach down and hold the testicles. Move the scrotum around the tes-
ticles, checking for any adhesions or irregularities around their smooth
surface. This is a check for testicular cancer. Scratch, rub, stretch and
tickle the scrotum. Ask him how he likes to be touched. The raphe is
the thin seam that runs along the center of the underside of his scrotum.
It is full of nerve endings and it can feel great when gently stimulated.
Feel the contours of the inner cock. Feel the deep bulbospongiousus
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muscle, located behind the testicles and in front of the perineum. Stroke
and move the skin on both sides of the muscle.
Massage the inner cock through the perineum. Vibrate the perineum
with the heel of your palm or your fist.
Follow the bulbospongiosus muscle between the testicles and up the
shaft of the penis. Use deep pressure along the shaft to feel into the
deep structures of the penis. Alternate with gentle, featherlight touch to
invite all the nerve endings to come alive.
You can slide an oiled finger under the preputial sphincter and make
a circle over the glans, stimulating the foreskin from the inside as you
stimulate the glans from the outside.
Locate the frenulum, in the midline of the underside of the penis,
just below the head. This connecting membrane anchors the mobile
foreskin to the shaft of the penis. Many men report that the frenulum is
highly erogenous tissue. If the man receiving your touch is circumcised,
notice if there are any remnants of foreskin near the frenulum. These
may be very sensitive. Some men enjoy gentle stimulation, with oil, over
a long period of time, in this area.
With plenty of oil, you can focus on the glans. Slowly and sensitively
massage the glans head. Feel the edge of the coronal ridge. Tap gently
on the urethral opening. Notice if his arousal is increasing. Notice if his
erection is increasing. These two might not be linked.
Try a variety of creative strokes to stimulate the shaft, glans, balls and
perineum, as described in Exercise 18. Create connection between the
penis and other areas of the body with long, integrative strokes.
With lots of oil, you may want to explore the effect of high friction
strokes. Alternate high friction stokes with holding strokes, and invite
the receiver to use long deep breaths to relax in a state of high arousal.
This may be a good time to incorporate anal touch. See the chapter
on anal massage for detailed suggestions. Reach under his balls to find
his asshole and stroke around it, continuing to apply oil. You can stimu-
late the prostate gland externally, through the perineum. Wait to see if
the asshole relaxes, and invites you in. With plenty of slippery lube, he
might want you to stimulate his prostate internally. Feel past the internal
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sphincter through the wall of the rectum in the direction of the front of
the body, for the contours of the prostate gland. It is a round bulb of
tissue approximately two inches in. Lightly tap or swirl your fingertip
around it. Then gradually experiment with faster and firmer touch.
At some point, if the man receiving your touch is feeling very
aroused, he might want to switch to continual and vigorous stimulation
of the penis, striving for ejaculatory “relief” of his accumulating arousal.
For some men this is an inevitable script, for some it is an occasional
pleasure. Receiving erotic massages over time can help him expand his
capacity for pleasure, so that his sense of a need for ejaculatory “relief”
subsides.
Whether ejaculation happens in a few seconds or after an hour or
more of high arousal, whether the man you are working with ejaculates
twice a day or once a month, always encourage him to RELISH his
ejaculation. Experience the joy of it. Massage the ejaculate into his skin.
You can encourage him to try eating his ejaculate. Semen is delicious
and nutritious—plus it contains hormones that can make us feel more
joyful and satisfied. Savor!
Ejaculation need never represent an end to pleasure. With gentle
touch, keep pleasuring his body and his genital region, so that he
learns how ejaculation can be savored and celebrated in the context of
a richly-textured, ongoing orgasmic journey.
If the man does not climax with an ejaculation, he may enjoy climax-
ing the massage with a “Big Draw.” Detailed instructions are included
in Exercise 18.
Finish with quiet connection. For example, you can just rest your
hand on his penis and his heart for 2 or 3 minutes.
Conclusion
For the man receiving erotic massage, this may be the first time
he has ever encountered encouragement to feel all the pleasure he is
capable of, in a loving environment, without demands or urgencies. As
givers of erotic massage, we provide an antidote to the social designa-
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tions and compulsions of masculinity. We create an alternate culture

with loving touch, where men can be soft and men can be wounded.
They can receive endless pleasure, without a script. Their engorgement
and urgency is welcomed, but not required, and their whole genital
structure, internal and external, can be witnessed and touched. For
many men, this is a deeply emotional and healing experience.
Resources
Workshops
Body Electric courses for Men
Caffyn Jesse, Intimacy Education Program
Books
Mantak Chia and Doug Abrams, The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Ev-
ery Man Should Know, HarperCollins, 2010
Ian Kerner, Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man,
William Morrow, 2008
R. Louis Schultz, Out in the Open: The Complete Male Pelvis, North Atlantic
Books; 2nd Revised edition 2012
Videos
Caffyn Jesse, Orgasmic Mastery for Men, online course including videos and
written materials
Pleasure Mechanics, Guide to Hand Jobs
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O r g a s m C o a c hi n g f o r M e n
ORGASM COACHING FOR MEN
Basic Ejaculatory Orgasm
Many men suffer from early ejaculation and need help staying with
their arousal longer. Masters and Johnson found that 75 percent of
men reach orgasm after two minutes or less of masturbation. Con-
ventional sex therapists pronounce premature ejaculation cured when
penetrative sex lasts for two minutes. Through erotic massage and
practice with the erotic embodiment tools in this book, men can learn
to enjoy states of high arousal for several hours. Some men will wish
to finish their exploration with an ejaculatory orgasm. Many other
men struggle with inhibited ejaculation; they need help reaching and
enjoying basic ejaculatory orgasms.
Physiologically speaking, the male orgasm consists of contraction
and pulsating in the penis, prostate and pelvic region. These sensations
are accompanied by increased heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tens-
ing, anal sphincter and pelvic muscle contractions, and an increase in
blood pressure, which then result in a sudden release of tension. Inhib-
ited orgasm can be addressed by voluntarily playing with rapid breath-
ing and muscle tension in the pelvic floor and the whole body. Breathe
deeply and relax muscle tension to extend arousal. Breathe quickly and
engage muscle tension to head towards ejaculatory orgasm.
Distracting thoughts, shame and inhibition can inhibit orgasm. An
environment of loving acceptance can help. You can also encourage
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the man you are coaching to use fantasy or visualization to focus on

his arousal.
Stimulating men’s entire arousal anatomy with a wide variety of
strokes feels wonderful and helps awaken new erotic possibilities. But
just as with women, when relieving tension with a conventional or-
gasm becomes a goal, stay with the move that is working the best.
Increase the speed and intensity as he asks for more with his words
or his body. Don’t change the pattern of movement until he ejaculates.
Have him show you what he likes. A conventional orgasm-focused
wanking stroke involves wrapping the whole hand tightly around the
shaft and moving rapidly up and down over the shaft and glans. For
some men the glans is far too sensitive to enjoy this treatment.
Expanded Orgasmic Sensation
Deep, conscious breath, extended touch, relaxing into sensation,

and multiple experiences of peaking without ejaculation will usually
expand men’s sense of pleasure. An eventual conventional orgasm will
feel stronger and last longer. Sometimes, after extended erotic massage,
conventional orgasm becomes inaccessible or irrelevant. All genders
receiving erotic massage can be encouraged to simply stay present with
all that arises, experiencing expanded orgasmic sensation rather than a
habitual trajectory of excitement, orgasm and end.
Separating Orgasm and Ejaculation
Orgasm and ejaculation are separate events. By learning to distin-

guish between them, men can learn to enjoy multiple orgasms and
full-body orgasms. Masturbation practice plus erotic massage creates a
great learning environment for men who want to master this practice.
I coach men to learn to feel full arousal while staying deeply relaxed, to
cycle between excitement and enjoyment, to breathe and imagine the
circulation of their arousal through the whole body.
One key aspect of learning to become multiply orgasmic is learning
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to control ejaculation.
Invite your client to pay close attention to all the sensations of
arousal. The more he relaxes the more he will feel. He may be able to
discern various levels of arousal. With practice, he can learn to guide
the massage practitioner to take him up to the highest levels of arousal,
then stop and let the sensations subside.
He can assign numbers to different arousal levels. These numbers
are meant to help him describe his sexual response, not to rate it.
Table 2. Table describing arousal levels, for men

1 No arousal
2-3 Mild twinges of arousal, not constant
4-5 Constant, low level of arousal
6-7 Steady moderate arousal
8 High arousal
9 Edge of orgasm
10 Orgasm
11 Ejaculation
Once a man becomes tuned into the full range of his erotic re-
sponse, he can guide you to stop stimulating him when he is at the
edge of orgasm—just before the “point of no return” for ejaculation.
There he can savor involuntary orgasmic muscle contractions in the
pelvic floor and elsewhere in the body. He may voluntarily squeeze his
pelvic floor muscles to pump erotic energy through his body and to
stop ejaculation. At first these sensations may feel “less than” an ejac-
ulatory orgasm, but with practice, focus, and expression, the feelings
will increase.
Orgasmic Events
Another key aspect of becoming multiply orgasmic is learning to

experience non-ejaculatory orgasmic events.
Guild the man to be acutely in his body. Encourage him to use
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breath, sound, movement and imagination to spread the arousal

through his whole body. He can imagine circulating erotic energy in
the Microcosmic Orbit (see Figure 5), or simply imagine that every
cell has become erect.
Use intermittent touch to stimulate the genitals.
He can learn to concentrate on varieties of aroused pleasure he
may feel in his genitals and his whole body. These sensations can be
very small and subtle: tingling, goosebumps, squirming, spontaneous
sounds, trembling, shaking in the arms or legs. Guide him to focus on
any pleasurable sensations, and to magnify them with his movement
and imagination, letting spasms of pleasure rock his body. Guide him
to express his pleasure in sound, and then listen for the echo of the
sound in his body.
With visualization, movement and sound, he can help the pleasur-
able sensations become bigger. Guide him to experience how waves of
pleasure can expand from the loins through the limbs. He can let his
body surf the waves of pleasure, magnifying the feelings as much as
he can.
When he encounters the inner prompting to switch to continual
and vigorous stimulation, guide him instead to surrender to the expe-
rience. Instead of seeking ejaculatory relief from this intensity, he can
relax into it. He can allow his whole body to become more and more
orgasmically aroused.
The process of opening to the multi-orgasmic intensity of plea-
surable feelings typically takes from several weeks to several months.
Guide him to be patient and not to try to force the experience. The
slower he goes, faster he will arrive.
Soft Penis Orgasms
Various health issues can prevent engorgement of erectile tissues,

but they need not prevent men from enjoying multiple orgasms. There
are also many men who struggle with premature ejaculation. Learning
of soft penis pleasures can assist these men and their partners in feel-
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ing empowered and joyful in their erotic life. Men who have reliable
erections may also wish to explore soft penis orgasms to enjoy the
different orgasmic sensations and the freedom from habitual sexual
scripts.
To explore soft penis orgasm simply stay in communication, keep
building up the stimulation, and spend an adequate amount of time
(an hour or more) on arousing erotic touch. Hold, jiggle, stroke, vi-
brate, pull, twist and roll the soft penis. Find what feels good. Play
with the scrotal sack and massage the perineum. Encourage the man
receiving to stay present with all the sensations, focusing on arousal
and not erection. Follow what is pleasurable without chasing an or-
gasm. Incorporate whole-body touch.
Men’s habitual tendency may be to feel self-conscious and inhibited
by an absence of erection, and to stop erotic stimulation with a sense of
frustration after 15 minutes or less of playing with a soft penis. If in-
stead you commit to focusing on following the pleasure for an extend-
ed period, you are quite likely to enjoy one or more soft-penis orgasms.
Anal Orgasms
The outer and inner structures of the anus and rectum are highly
innervated. (See more in the chapter on anal massage.) There is a par-
ticular concentration of nerves in the prostate gland that surrounds the
urethra, just below the bladder. These nerves can be stimulated through
the perineum externally and through the rectum internally, as well as
through voluntarily clenching the muscles of the pelvic floor. Focusing
on pleasurable feelings in the prostate, anal canal and anal sphincter
leads to increasing pleasure. Eventually, the pleasure increases to pro-
duce intense anal and prostatic orgasms. Training the body to regularly
enjoy this kind of pleasure can take weeks, months or years, although
anal orgasms can also happen surprisingly and spontaneously.
Aneros prostate stimulator is a good home practice device for men
exploring anal pleasures. The head and stem are designed to stimulate
the prostate. The curves of the stem provide stimulation up and down
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the anal canal. The force of pressure on the prostate is controlled by the
man’s anal sphincter and pelvic floor muscle contractions. A “perine-
um tab” provides external prostate massage and acts as a pivot point to
drive the massaging action of the Aneros inside the rectum.
Figure 19. Visualization of the anatomy of male arousal showing innervation of the
genitals and surrounding areas. Note that the glans and shaft of the penis are the most
intensely innervated areas. Internal anatomical structures are also highly innervated,
particularly the prostate gland. Image from Anatomical Travelogue/Science Photo.
Used with permission.
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Sound Orgasms
Jack Johnson is a psychologist who developed a technique that

produces arousal and multiple orgasms through breathing and a “Key
Sound.” The Key Sound is a deep erotic moan or roar that activates the
Autonomic Nervous System and builds arousal. Practitioners create an
expanding spiral of sound/arousal/attention-to-pleasure that, repeat-
ed, drives the body to produce and enjoy increasingly intense pleasure
waves, and eventually, non-ejaculatory orgasm. With practice men and
women can learn to concentrate themselves, in a matter of minutes,
into a multi-orgasmic state.
Three Sacred Waters of Male Arousal
So far as I know, this is not an ancient Taoist formulation like the

Three Sacred Waters of female arousal. But men also have different
fluids that flow through their arousal anatomy, and these can be fo-
cused on separately with great benefit.
Pre-cum is the viscous fluid produced by the Bulbourethral glands
(aka Cowper’s glands). It exits from the urethra during sexual arousal.
By hanging out in the zone of arousal that produces pre-cum for an
extended period, men can learn to feel and amplify the glands’ secre-
tion and build a more extended orgasmic response.
Rain widens the river.
The prostate gland produces 25-30% of the volume of a conven-
tional ejaculation. Through activation of the prostate with erotic mas-
sage and self-pleasuring, men can learn to “milk the prostate” and ex-
perience a prostatic orgasm separately from a conventional orgasm.
The river flows.
I think of the third waters of male arousal as full ejaculatory orgasm,
when engaged joyously and mindfully rather than as a habitual relief
from tension. Sperm leave the testicles through the thin tubular vas
deferens, which passes up and over the pubic bone, behind and under
the urinary bladder, then through the prostate gland. From the pros-
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tate gland sperm enter the urethra, with fluid that is added from the
prostate and the seminal vesicles.
The fields are flooded with life-giving nourishment.
Letting Go of the Agenda of Orgasm
For men and women to learn to enjoy multiple orgasms and better
orgasms, they need to first relax and let go of the agenda of orgasm.
Just do what feels good, keep following the pleasure, and let go of any
goals.
Focusing on strong pleasurable feelings without surrender to habit
is a very challenging practice for many people. But the rewards are
great. Small climaxes and pleasure sensations become stronger and
more intense, until they increase to multi-orgasmic levels. Erotic mas-
sage supports people in relaxing into their pleasure. I advise clients and
students, “Make love to your habit.” By adding just a few new moves,
spending just a little longer, and savoring the journey, we can gradually
learn to multiply our pleasures with ever-unfolding joy.
Resources
Jack Johnson’s Multiple Orgasm website, www.multiples.com.
New School of Erotic Touch, Joseph Kramer, Evolutionary Masturbation for
Men: An Intimate Guide to the Male Orgasm, video course
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App r o a c h e s t o T o u c hi n g P e n is e s
APPROACHES TO
TOUCHING PENISES
E very massage recipient is different, and every time with ev-

ery massage recipient is different. These approaches to touching
men are offered to help you build a vocabulary of offerings. You will
want to use excerpts and combine the approaches as needed in differ-
ent situations.
Exercise 16: Exploring Inner Aliveness

Have the man lie naked on his back. Guide him to breathe deeply
and turn his attention inside. Have him scan his body and relax, bit by
bit. Keep scanning for areas of unnecessary tension and holding, and
let them go.
Meet his eyes with a soft gaze. Share your magnificence and ad-
mire his, through your eyes. After a few minutes, move across the space
that separates you and, as mindfully as possible, place your hands on
his body. After exploring his body with conscious touch, move to brush,
then gently hold, his genitals. Bring all your awe into your holding.
Hold his penis softly, then squeeze and release. Explore his balls
and inner cock. Go slowly, and even more slowly, as he feels into mind-
ful awareness of his genitals. Offer his genitals your exquisite attention.
Explore with a relaxed curiosity. If a certain touch creates a sense of
urgency, just modify it so that he can sink back into a relaxed state of
genital awareness. Take your time. With this exercise you are exploring
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an extended period of genital aliveness without moving into excitement.

After about 15 minutes of exploratory genital touch, finish with a
minute or two of simply holding his genitals, while gazing softly at him.
End with a hug.
Create an Erotic Ritual
As described in the earlier chapter on “Approaches to Vulva Touch,”

you can create an erotic ritual for a predetermined amount of time,
like 15 minutes. Resist the temptation to ignore the timer and proceed
into an extended session. Let that happen at a different time. This is an
excellent exercise to offer couples who come for sex coaching.
Exercise 17: Erotic Ritual for Men

The receiver of touch removes his clothes from the waist down, and
lies down on a bed or the floor with his legs open. The giver sits com-
fortably beside the receiver. When the receiver is ready, the giver rests
their hand mindfully for some moments in the genital area. They then
apply lube and stroke the receiver’s genitals for fifteen minutes, using
a timer. When giving, go slowly and use very little pressure. Welcome
guidance from the person receiving. Try a repetitive stroke such as this:
1. Hold the penis at the base with one hand, and then massage
the frenulum and the glans with your flat palm, gliding over the
head of the cock and the belly.
2. Glide your fist very lightly over the top of the cock in a spiraling
motion.
3. Massage the frenulum and the base of the glans with two
thumbs.
Remember to use lots and lots of lube. Silicone lube may be best for
this practice.
Repeating the same stroke over and over helps change this into a
ritual rather than a regular erotic experience. Mindful awareness can
build in both of you. There is no worry about what to do or anticipation
of what will happen next. There is simply an opportunity for the receiv-
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er to sink into total awareness of genital sensation. The giver of touch

should remain completely focused on what they are doing.
End by holding his genitals firmly, with complete attention. This
grounds the sexual energy that has built up in your bodies. You can
each share a description of one particularly memorable moment of sen-
sation while avoiding evaluating or comparing the experience.
If the man receiving suffers from premature ejaculation, he may ejac-
ulate early in the ritual. Relish the ejaculation, use a towel to clean up,
and carry on enjoying the touch for the remainder of the scheduled time.
Taoist Erotic Massage for Men
Taoist Erotic Massage can be an illuminating and joyous journey to

a deeper reality; this is a spiritual-erotic practice. Guide the receiver to
use breath, visualization and the conscious placement of attention to
tune into erotic energy, circulate it and amplify it. As the body relaxes
in a full-body massage it releases hormones that facilitate feelings of
love, bonding and trust. With sexual stimulation we produce a cascade
of powerful endorphins that generate a feeling of bliss. With prana
pumps engaged by prolonged deep breathing, the heart opens, energy
spirals through the chakras, and we can experience ecstatic unity with
the divine in ourselves and others. “This is about integrating spirit at
the cellular level,” my teacher Emaya says.
Dr. Joseph Kramer comments, “Human beings in all times and cul-
tures have experimented with sex to achieve transpersonal states of
consciousness.... By paying attention in the present moment to our
own biological bodies, we became aware of a remarkable potential.
Erotic trance states offer access to wisdom, creativity, aliveness and
freedom not otherwise available to the human community.”
When offering Taoist Erotic Massage to men, be sure to slow down,
stop or change what you are doing before ejaculation becomes inev-
itable. After a long full-body massage, spend at least 30 minutes on
massage with a genital focus. The intact penis and the circumcised pe-
nis need to be treated quite differently, as the foreskin contains many
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thousands of additional nerve endings, and the glans of the penis in

intact men is mucosal membrane. In general, intact men prefer a more
delicate touch. Special instructions for foreskin stimulation are below.
A nice feature of this massage is that an erection is not required for it
to feel good; some massage strokes actually feel BETTER when the
penis is soft.
Taoist Erotic Massage was developed by Dr. Joseph Kramer and is
best learned through his video course, “Fire on the Mountain.”
Exercise 18: Taoist Erotic Massage for Men

Please Note: The following is a list of options that might or might not
be pleasurable. It is not a list to get through. Every person with a penis
is different in what they enjoy. Stay in communication. Be sensitive to
non-verbal cues. Go very slowly.
I. Cast a Circle
Begin with a general discussion about his intention and goals for the
ritual, and how he likes to be touched. Verbally or non-verbally state the
intentions for the ritual. Guide him into deep breathing.
II. Come into the Body

A. Massage the back of his body using stretches, vibrations, glides,
circles and kneading. Brush skin with finger tips. Massage scalp.
Pinch fingertips and toes. Rock his body. Integrate gentle loving
touch to the bum and the anus. (No poking!)
B. Repeat massage on his front side.
C. Circle breasts outwards. Hold the breasts. Some men have
breasts that are exquisitely sensitive, while others find breast
stimulation irritating or dull. Watch his reactions and stay in
communication!
Ill. Waking up the Neighborhood

A.
The Love Line. Rub your palms together to generate heat. Lay
warm palms over the inguinal crease—the line between the
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torso and the thigh that creates a ‘V’ shape pointing in the
direction of the groin.
B. Warming the Hara. Spiral palms over lower belly, honoring it as
the seat of life, the centre of intrinsic energy.
C. Brushing. Massage the legs and the inner thighs, brushing your
hands lightly over the genitals.
IV. The Foreskin

A. Gentle Stretch and Tickle The foreskin on intact men can be stim-
ulated through gentle stretching, both forward and backward.
Stimulate the ridged band near the preputial sphincter. Gentle
tapping and tickling of the foreskin feel good too.
B. Through the Hood. Keep the foreskin over the glans and gently
massage the coronal ridge through the double layer of foreskin.
C. Peek a Boo. Work the foreskin back and forth over the head.
D. Under the Hood. Slide a finger under the foreskin and make a
circle over the glans, stimulating the foreskin from the inside and
the glans from the outside.
E. Scar Tissue Honoring Men who have been circumcised are
scarred to varying degrees. It can be healing to honor this scar
tissue by witnessing it, holding it, and massaging it with oil.
V. The Shaft and Glans

A. Awakening Pressure. Grasp the shaft of the penis between the
thumb and the forefinger. Squeeze up and down the shaft to
awaken the deeper tissues of the penis.
B. Integrative Strokes. Anoint him with oil, lay the penis on the bel-
ly at a 12 o-clock position, stroke the cock from base to glans,
and then move up the body with an integrative stroke. Do this
for each of the 12 hours. You can hold the balls with the other
hand.
C. Frenulum Massage. Pull the skin taut and massage the frenulum.
Use the whole palm, then thumb circles (one thumb and then
two thumbs).
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D. Glans Massage. Hold the penis in one hand with the head stick-
ing up. Using the well-oiled palm of your other hand, slowly and
very gently massage the glans. Reverse directions.
E. Shuttlecock. Take the penis in both hands, fingers lightly touch-
ing the sides of the shaft. Now flick the penis back and forth
between your two hands.
F. Cock Cradling. Place one hand under the cock, holding it up,
and the other hand over the cock, holding it down. Move hands
back and forth.
G. Birdcage. Make a birdcage out of one hand, with spread fin-
gers arched, and grasp the glans just under the coronal ridge.
Vibrate the cock with the “cage.”
H. North and South. Stroke the shaft in one direction, balls in the
other.
VI. Heart Genital Connection

A. Hold and Vibrate. Rest one hand over his heart, the other over
his penis. Vibrate your hands. Massage the channel in between.
B. Heart-Healing Strokes. With the penis resting on the stomach,
take one hand and cup the testicles. Then glide the heel of the
palm of the other hand up the underside of the penis to the heart.
Use a whole forearm to sweep across and up from the genitals,
up and across the chest.
C. Belly Bliss. Pull the skin of the cock taut and hold it at the base.
Use heel of the other hand on the frenulum, finger tips on the
belly.
VII. High Friction Strokes

Use Lots of Oil or Lube!!
A. Corkscrew. Pull the skin of the penis toward the base with one
hand. With the other hand corkscrew the well-oiled penis.
B. Make Fire. Take the shaft in your hands and rub your hands
together as if you are making a fire. Vary speed and pressure.
C. Milking. Start with one hand lightly grasping the bottom of the
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penis. Then stroke the penis from the bottom all the way to the
top. When you hit the top, release the penis. Meanwhile, bring
your other hand to the bottom of the penis and repeat.
D. Cock Tease. Use a fast, tight grip and a conventional wanking
stroke, and then suddenly switch to a gentle, awakening and
teasing stroke. Build the intensity for as long as he can stand it.
Invite the man receiving to take long deep breaths, and to relax for
a long period in a state of high arousal.
VIII. Best if Erect

All of the other strokes feel great on a soft penis. These ones work
best when he is erect.
A. Shake the Base. Hold the base of the penis with one hand tight
against his body. With the other hand, hold his penis tightly
enough so that your fingers don’t slip and slide up and down.
Push rapidly on the penis, stimulating the shaft and the base.
B. Perpetual Penetration. Let his penis “penetrate” into your fist on
each stroke. Before the head of his penis pops out of your hand,
bring the other hand up for the next penetration. Try faster and
slower.
C. Hand Jive. Interlock fingers around the shaft and rub up and
down.
IX. The Balls and Perineum

A. Touch the root. Up to half the penis is inside the body. Massage
the inner cock through the perineum.
B. Core vibrations. Vibrate the perineum with the heel of your palm
or your fist, have him take deep breaths, and make loud sounds.
C. 3rd eye Activation. With one finger on the perineum and one on
the 3rd eye, vibrate both.
D. Scrotal Massage. Scratch, rub, stretch and tickle the scrotum.
Ask him how he likes it.
E. Good Vibrations. Use a vibrator on the perineum. (Be sure to
use a condom when vibrator is shared.) Hold the vibrator on
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the perineum with one hand and put your other hand on top of
his head. Invite him to feel the vibrations all the way through his
body.
X. Anal Massage
Be aware that some men do not want to be penetrated. Some men
like to be penetrated with one finger only, some like a whole fist. Some
men like lots of movement and activity. Others like very quiet, medita-
tive touch. Use lube, lube and more lube. (See separate resources in the
chapter on anal massage.) Wear vinyl or nitrile gloves for any internal
touch.
A. Temple Gate Tease. Massage the anal opening gently, for a
long period. Make him hungry.
B. Invitation to the Temple. Never poke or push into him. Wait until
the external sphincter opens, and draws you in.
C. Entering the Temple to Pray. Insert a finger ever so slowly. Hold
still. Just be there.
D. The Four Directions. With one or two fingers press firmly North/
East/ South/ West, several times in each direction.
E. The Prostate. Find the prostate gland through the anterior wall
of the rectum. Gently massage the prostate—with one or two
fingers. Circle both directions. Ask him how he likes it. Stimulate
the penis and the prostate simultaneously.
XI. Spreading The Energy

Throughout the massage, take the energy from his genitals and
spread it down his legs and up his torso.
XII. The Big Draw

Remove your hands or keep touching him, as you prefer. Invite him
to take staccato breaths with you, using the breathing pattern sniff-sniff-
blow for about 20 breaths. Then breathe a long breath in, and breathe
it out with a hiss. Breathe a long breath in, and breathe it out with a
sigh. Guide him to tense his entire body, beginning with the muscles
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at the base of the penis, and proceeding out to anus, ass, abdominal
muscles, chest, and through the arms, legs, hands and feet. Guide him
to squinch up the face. Hold the clench, and hold the breath, until he is
ready to just let go. Then let everything go.
Stay present, don’t talk. If you are touching him, stay completely still
until he guides you to remove your hands. Don’t ‘fluff the energy’. Hold
the space. Bask in the afterglow. Take lots of time here.
XIII. Grounding and Ending

A. Look lovingly into his face until he opens his eyes.
B. Towel off oil.
D. Speak from the heart if desired. Maintain silence if desired.
C. Touch his shoulder, help him sit up. Support his back.
E. Open the circle.
This ritual will be more meaningful if you take time afterwards to pay
attention to your experience. Write about what happened, the feeling
states you experienced, and the distractions that came up for you.
The traditional Taoist Erotic Massage concludes with a “Big Draw,”
which is not usually compatible with ejaculation. The “Big Draw” takes
all the energy that would go into an ejaculation and transforms it into
rocket fuel for the inner voyage.
If the man receiving is certain he wishes to ejaculate at the conclu-

sion of the massage, you can experiment with “Little Big Draws” during
the session. The “Little Big Draw” is a lighter version of the “Big Draw,”
and it is useful for building, releasing, transforming and focusing en-
ergy during a long massage. Invite him to take staccato breaths with
you, using the breathing pattern sniff-sniff-blow, but rather than doing
this 20 times, do it about 10 times. Then breathe a long breath in, and
breathe it out with a hiss. Breathe a long breath in, and breathe it out
with a sigh. Now guide him to hold his breath while he tenses his body,
and holds the clench, and holds his breath, until he is ready to just let
go. But rather than encouraging him to go into an extended period of
quiet meditation, as with the “Big Draw,” when doing the “Little Big
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Draw” you can slap or tickle him, keep stimulating his body, and bring
his focus back to the ongoing journey of the massage.
Resources
New School of Erotic Touch, Joseph Kramer, Fire in the Valley, video course
on Taoist Erotic Massage for men
______________ Soft Cock Massage, video course
______________ The Best of Penis Massage, video course
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T o u c hi n g G e n d e r
TOUCHING GENDER
Challenging Gender Assumptions
O ne of the many wonderful things my clients and students

have taught me is that I need to continually examine and contest
my assumptions. Nowhere is this process more important and fruitful
than the realm of gender.
Gender is typically the first thing we identify about someone who
calls us on the phone or walks into our practice. Is this a man or a
woman? We mark someone as either male or female, and as we do
so, we call into play a whole host of assumptions about their chro-
mosomes, hormones, gonads, socialization, self-identity, social iden-
tity and partner choice. How are we gendered as only either male or
female in the complex interaction of biochemistry, individuality and
society? All the elements that constitute our gender are much more di-
verse than the bifurcation of gender into male and female would allow.
Yet this bifurcation is an all-pervading structural element in how we
think, act, and move in the world. Assumptions we make about gender
can shape and misshape our relationship with clients and the choices
we offer them.
As givers of erotic massage, we create an environment in which cli-
ents can explore their sexuality. We invite them to cultivate the erotic
capacities of body, mind, spirit and emotions. On this journey to erotic
freedom, some will break open the prison of gender and the ways it
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constrains erotic imagination, embodiment and society. I believe that

as erotic massage practitioners we have both reason and responsibility
to work and play in ways that help expand possibilities in the realm
of gender identity, partner choice, and the social, psychological and
physical consequence of being designated either man or woman. As
we educate ourselves, and make our practices more open, perhaps we
can imagine gender outside its social designations and compulsions.
Perhaps gender can become a sex toy people can try on, play with or
discard.
Tantric and Taoist traditions of sacred sexuality—at least in the
forms they reach us today—don’t play much with gender. They can
get stuck in advocating the worshipful communion of an opposite-sex
couple, yoni and lingam. No doubt such communion can be beautiful.
But suggesting that this is the highest form of erotic interaction is
harmful, ugly prejudice. The tradition of Somatic Sex Education in
which I am trained is one that celebrates the diversity around and
within us. We honor same-sex erotic exchanges, solo sex and group
rituals.
This is work that challenges gender oppressions as it invites women
to experience the full extent of their orgasmic energy, and men to ex-
perience their softness, flexibility and inwardness, and gender-variant
people to explore and express all the joy we are capable of. We support
queer, transgender and gender-variant people on their gender journeys.
Can we touch the people that come for erotic massage in ways
that support gender diversity and invite transformational conscious-
ness, while honoring each person exactly where they are? Take time to
consider your preconceptions and how they are affecting you in your
encounter with each person who comes to see you. Then push your
assumptions aside, and make space to understand this person as an
individual. If they are to encounter you, and not your assumptions, you
will need to do this ongoing work. By keeping your mind and heart
open, and free of expectations and conventions, you can offer people
the space they need to define and redefine who they are sexually.
With your touch and imagination you can bring mindful attention
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and creative play to the fact that so-called male and female genitals are
not so different after all. We all have inner bits and outer bits and beds
of erectile tissue. In early fetal development our genitals are undiffer-
entiated. We can explore how to touch in ways that invite a swim in
this undifferentiated consciousness.
Gender Identity, Gender Expression, Biological Sex

and Who We are Attracted To
Sam Killerman has created a treasure trove of online resources

about gender and sexual orientation. He points out that Gender Iden-
tity, Gender Expression, Biological Sex and Who We are Attracted To
are different aspects of how gender is felt, constructed and expressed
in every body. Rather than seeing an opposition between Male and
Female in the various aspects of how we constitute our gender, we can
notice different continuums that allow for the “infinite plot and label
combinations” that actually exist.
A person can be non-gendered in their gender identity. At the other
end of the continuum, they can identify as 100% male or 100% female.
They can identify as bi-gendered, gender-fluid, or some combination
of male and female. They can adopt different gender identities with
different people and in different circumstances, and this is something
that can remain constant, or shift and change throughout a massage
or throughout a lifetime. I have worked with people called women
who find that identity limiting or unbearable. Some need support to
explore and express their maleness. Others find a home in a more fluid
identity, while some feel right rejecting gender identifications entirely.
I have held people designated as men through the grief, relief, fear and
joy that can be experienced when that gender designation releases its
grip. The embodied experience of penetrative pleasures can be trans-
formative for the gender identity of men.
“Gender expression” refers to how the person you are working with
presents their gender. We make assumptions based on people’s gen-
der expression, but it is usually just the tip of the iceberg. A woman
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can feel butch and present as femme, or feel femme and present as
butch, and the dissonance between gender identity and gender ex-
pression might or might not affect how she likes to be touched. I
have worked with many cross-dressing people who disclose that they
have fully-developed male and female gender expressions as part of
their lives. “Ron,” who arrives at the studio as self-evidently male,
may have “Rhonda” within as a secret gender identity, or Rhonda may
already have a flourishing female gender expression with her own
lipstick, lingerie and friends. People who present as hypermasculine
men can be gay in their attractions, bi-gendered in their gender iden-
tity and female in their sex.
Biological sex is another area where we make assumptions. Based
on people’s gonadal structure, we might imagine we know their bio-
logical sex. But here again, nothing is so simple as the notion we are
always only either male or female would suppose. I have worked with
an intersex person who recognized and re-experienced the gender as-
signment surgery they had as an infant as I mindfully mapped their
genitals. A colleague has worked with someone identified as female
who appeared to be extremely feminine, with breasts and female gen-
itals. She turned out to be chromosomally male, with Androgen In-
sensitivity Syndrome. Her vagina was short, without a cervix, and she
looked to increase its dilation and depth with genital massage. I have
worked with pre-operative, post-operative and non-operative trans-
gender people who experienced their biological sex as different from
the one they were assigned at birth, based on their gonadal structure
in infancy.
And then, of course, there are so many plot and label combina-
tions in the area of who we are attracted to. We can be bi-gendered
in our identity, queer in our gender expression, female in our sex, and
attracted to masculinity. We might get tangled in assumptions that
someone with this particular combination is either a straight woman
or a gay man. We can be asexual or ambisexual in our attractions, fixed
or fluid in our expression, gender-consonant or gender-dissonant in
our sex, expressive or hidden in our identity—and these characteristics
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are likely to shift and evolve as we build levels of connection and trust.
Erotic massage can be a safe and healing path for people who want
to explore various aspects of sexual orientation and sexual preference.
Queer, transgender and gender-variant people are boldly creating
possibilities for all people to have a more playful and creative relation-
ship with gender, whatever their sexual orientation. As innovators and
pioneers, they pit their bodies and desires against the status quo, and
they are likely to encounter many forms of violence. Practitioners of
erotic massage can offer sanctuary. The massage studio can be a safe
haven where a gender pioneer can relax into embodied exploration.
Or it can be another place of oppression. We need to have sufficient
cultural competency to make our practices welcoming to everyone on
their gender journey.
Working with Gender-Variant People
How do we make our practices welcoming to gender-variant peo-

ple? First, check your assumptions. Understand that gender is not tied
to genitals. These additional suggestions help bring us to a starting
point.
1. Scrutinize cisgender privilege.
2. Learn the language.
3. Ask good questions.
Cisgender Privilege
When all or part of us is cisgender, that is reinforced with enor-
mous privilege. Our validity as a man/woman/human goes unchal-
lenged, and does not depend on how much surgery we’ve had or how
well we “pass.” Those people without cisgender privilege, or the parts
of ourselves that live without cisgender privilege, lose the ability to
walk through the world unremarked. Gender-variant people are stared
at, whispered about, pointed at, or laughed at because of our gender
expression. We face violence or the fear of violence every time we walk
down the street, seek medical treatment, look for an apartment, use a
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washroom, apply for a job. We find that strangers assume they can ask
what our genitals look like and how we have sex.
We can work to create space in the world for queer, transgender
and gender-variant people by supporting their rights and addressing
cisgender privilege. March in the Pride Parade. Show up at the Trans-
gender Day of Remembrance in your community. Oppose unjust laws
and advocate for human rights protection. Address transphobia and
cisgender privilege when it comes up in conversation, physical struc-
tures, intake forms, workshop offerings, designs for living, and your
own heart. Be explicit in your welcome to gender-variant people. Ask
questions, both of yourself and others.
Learn the Language

As providers of erotic services we need to take responsibility for
basic literacy in the special concerns of queer, transgender and gen-
der-variant clients.
Somatic Sex Educator Dr. Captain Snowdon says, “When we trav-
el to a new country or want to interact in a new community, we try to
learn their language. With Transgender and Gender Variant clients
this is a respectful and logical way to start. In Transgender communi-
ties, there is constant dialogue about terminology and its application
for diverse members of the community. This can be both exciting—as
it is a deeply creative place to be able to invent language that fits us
individually—and frustrating, as it is not always easy to decipher the
‘right’ language to use with our clients.”
We need basic literacy on LGBTQ identity definitions. When it
comes to erotic touch, however, we will need more understanding and
sensitivity than any identity definitions can afford. The ways gender,
identity, expression, sex and desire combine is individual and infinite.
The biggest danger lies in making assumptions. We might assume our
clients have or want to have certain body parts, or that they like or
don’t like certain kinds of touch, that their genitals will or won’t func-
tion in certain ways like becoming erect, self-lubricating, penetrating
or ejaculating. Sometimes your assumptions will be right and other
138
times they will be insulting and wrong. The wrong touch, or inappro-
priate vocabulary, can trigger dysphoria and traumatize a client.
The anonymous author of “Transcending anatomy: a guide to bod-
ies and sexuality for partners of trans people” (available at no charge
on the internet) guides, “As a general rule, always echo the language
your partner uses for their body.” They write: “Trans people’s genitals
come in many different forms, and so do the terms used for them.
Some trans people use the same words that many cis people use to talk
about their genitals—whether to describe their anatomical form or
the way they conceptualize them: vagina, penis, clit, cunt, pussy, dick,
cock. Others have come up with new words or phrases specifically to
describe trans genitals: diclit, click, manhole, strapless, cockpit, front
hole. Some use words that are nonspecific: stuff, bits, junk, downstairs.”
If you or they use toys, learn from your client how to refer to them.
Does your client think of the toy as an object, or are they more com-
fortable discussing it as part of their or your body? You can also find
ways to navigate your interactions without actually naming body parts
or acts.
Honor the courage and vulnerability of any gender-variant person
who comes to your practice. Show them that your respect for their
gender identity will not be diminished because of how their body
looks or because of the ways they want to be touched. Commit to
conceptualizing their body as they do and using the language they use
to describe their parts. Catch your assumptions, make mistakes, and
try again.
Ask Good Questions

Sam Killerman guides, “If you aren’t sure what pronouns to use for
a person, simply ask them. A good way to ask this question isn’t ‘Are
you a boy or a girl?’ but rather ‘What are your preferred gender pro-
nouns?’ This is a great question to get in the habit of asking in general,
and one that will make the gender-diverse people in your life way
more comfortable being in your life.”
In any offering of erotic massage, you can ask, “How would you
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like to be touched?” You can ask this question over and over. Asking
“May I touch you in this way?” is a very different question, as sex edu-
cator Betty Martin teaches. The phrase “May I?” suggests that you are
asking permission to touch in a preconceived way that proceeds from
your own desires. All too often, a vulnerable client will endure this
kind of touch to keep the peace and avoid insulting you. In contrast,
the question, “How would you like to be touched?” invites the client
to speak from their heart, and to answer in their own vocabulary, as
they request touch they want without regard to your agenda. With
attention to nuance, you can shift your language from prescriptive to
heart-opening.
“Show me what feels good” can be a serviceable and open way to
invite a client’s direction while avoiding inappropriate names for body
parts. Let your client know you would enjoy and appreciate the honor
of witnessing their self-pleasuring. You can also put their hand over
yours and invite them to move your hand so that you touch them the
way they like it.
Conclusion
Erotic massage can be a sacred gift in the lives of queer, transgender

and gender-variant people. As practitioners, we can offer an environ-
ment for safe and respectful exploration of how their bodies feel, and
how to be sexual, as they investigate bringing their inner experience of
gender into the world. We can address scar tissue from surgeries (see
more in the chapter on Healing Painful Sex). We can offer touch that
honors each person’s internal gender experience and helps it to unfold.
People who explicitly identify as queer, transgender or gender vari-
ant have special needs and concerns, but their journey to find a home
within genders, between genders and beyond gender is common to ev-
ery person we touch. Erotic massage can support people in exploring
the touch that brings them pleasure in an environment of complete
acceptance. Our work can empower each client to come home to their
own body and access the body’s wisdom, wherever they are on the
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gender journey.
Resources
Anonymous, “Transcending anatomy: a guide to bodies and sexuality for
partners of trans people,” widely available online, 2014.
Caffyn Jesse, Mapping Queer Meanings, www.queermap.com
LGBTQ Identity Definitions: A List by Sam Kellerman, available online
2014.
Sam Kellerman, It’s Pronounced MetroSexual, http://itspronouncedmetro-
sexual.com/
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A n a l M a ss a g e
ANAL MASSAGE
Encountering the “Electric Fence”
C hester Mainard, a pioneer of anal massage, had a great

description of how shame operates in our relationship with anal
eroticism:
“One of the tricky things about shame is that it is often
invisible to the person experiencing it. Shame creates an
‘electric fence’ within ourselves. Once you get shocked two
or three times you stay back from the fence. The electric-
ity can get turned off but you still don’t go near the fence
anymore. When we are operating in our comfort zone we
are actually operating inside the shame. Shame operates
by avoiding the feeling of it, and it is tricky sometimes to
notice what you are avoiding: ‘Oh, I’m not feeling anything
right now.’ That may be true or maybe shame is operating
so well that you’ve learned to stay well inside that fence,
not taking any risks that may result in the activation of the
shame. When you approach anal work you get to see where
that fence is. You think everything is fine in your life but
don’t even think about your asshole. This anal avoidance is a
fundamental place of shame that a lot of our other shames
get built on.” (This statement is from a talk Chester Main-
ard gave to Certified Sexological Bodyworker students in
2004.)
Our bodies are built for anal eroticism. The anal area is one of the
most innervated pleasure centers of the human body. But the pleasures
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young children feel in excretory functions are usually quickly shamed.

The anus becomes a no-go zone and a place that holds fear and anxiety.
Most people know little about anal anatomy and its pleasure po-
tential. Though statistically more people are experimenting with anal
sex, it seems that such experiments assiduously avoid the potential
pleasures of anal eroticism. Even people who practice anal intercourse
readily and willingly may not understand that anal penetration can be
joyful. Many are simply enduring a painful experience as an act of love
for their partner, or out of low self-esteem. Anal fissures have become
a common health concern among young women, who say they provide
this intimate area of their bodies as a service to partners, without re-
gard to their own pleasure and health.
I believe that the prohibitions on anal pleasures are linked to the
widespread use of anal rape as a weapon. From antiquity to the pres-
ent, men have used the threat and fact of anal rape of boys and men
to construct and maintain hierarchies. Proving the power of one man
while subordinating and shaming another, anal rape effeminates the
man who is raped. In other words, sexism is what gives this act its
cultural power. Overcoming the shame that accrues to anal eroticism
is a key part of addressing gender oppression.
For men, developing a taste for anal penetration can mean devel-
oping a radical, transforming desire. Frank Browning describes anal
penetration as “an entry into the most private and sacred zones of
individual identity,” and “an act which shatters the authority and in-
tegrity of the male self.” Klaus Theweleit, writing of male fantasies,
comments “Anal penetration comes to represent the opening of social
prisons, admission into a hidden dungeon that guards the keys to the
recuperation of the revolutionary dimension of desire. . . .” Anal pene-
tration often feels like a profound identity exploration.
We need education and support to feel into the personal and cul-
tural wounds that interfere with our capacity for pleasure. Anal mas-
sage, offered sensitively and with no agenda, is a perfect way to allow
us to gently confront held traumas, and feel how they manifest in the
body as pain, anxiety, distraction and numbness. We can encounter
144
the “electric fence” of shame in ways that are conscious and mindful.
By working with intention at the outer limits of our comfort zone, the
comfort zone gradually expands. Over time spent with loving touch,
we can feel our way into a rich unfolding of the anal eroticism that is
possible.
Before you start: Precautions about anal

exploration
Use plenty of lubricant and go slowly to prevent rectal lining dam-

age. If it hurts, you are going too fast and pushing too hard.
When working with people with vulvas, never use the same hand to
touch anal and vaginal openings. This can result in a nasty bacterial in-
fection. A good practice is to use a dedicated hand for anal touch and
the other hand for clitoral and vaginal stimulation. You can use a towel
to catch any oil that might drip from the anus into the vagina. Fear of
mixing juices can create anal tension, so let the person receiving know
that you are being very mindful of this basic fact of anal hygiene.
Whatever toy you use, be sure it is designed for anal play, in that a
wide base will anchor the toy outside the body. The digestive tract can
vacuum up other toys, so they have to be removed surgically!
For anal massage, you will want to use gloved hands. Gloves protect
the practitioner and client from transmitting bacteria, while they min-
imize any risk of tearing sensitive anal tissues with fingernails.
Be sure your hands and toys are very clean before and after anal
penetration. Bacteria found in the rectum can be transmitted to other
orifices or to a partner.
Anal stimulation may cause feelings of having to go to the bath-
room. More often than not, this is just a “feeling” that the stimulation
causes. It may simply take some getting used to.
Anal Anatomy
There are two muscle rings called sphincters around the anal open-
145
ing. If you insert a finger about one half-inch into the anus and press
your fingertip against the side, you can feel the place where external
and internal sphincter muscles overlap. The external sphincter is con-
trolled by the central nervous system. We can squeeze these muscles
tight by an act of conscious will, just like we can purse our lips or
clench a fist. The internal sphincter is quite different. This is smooth
muscle controlled by the Autonomic Nervous System, the part of the
nervous system that makes adjustments in blood pressure, respira-
tion rate and other “involuntary” body functions. Because the internal
sphincter normally functions reflexively, most people can’t tense or re-
lax it at will. It takes a deeper learning to relax the internal sphincter.
The anal canal is less than an inch long, leading into the rectum.
Folds of tissue give this canal a remarkable capacity for expansion.
When the anal sphincters are deeply relaxed, an entire hand can pass
through the anal canal. Yet for many people, a baby finger is too much
penetration. Forcing penetration can result in a variety of medical
problems such as hemorrhoids (protrusions from the anal cushions) or
fissures (tears or cracks in the anal lining). When touch is prematurely
or forcibly introduced into the anus, the sphincter muscles go into
spasm. With continual pressure and battering, the spasm can partially
release and the pain subside. This is the way the majority of people
seem to explore anal eroticism. It is not anal pleasure, but simply the
relative absence of discomfort that is sought. As practitioners of erotic
massage, we can offer a much different exploration.
When working with people who are new to anal pleasure, you can
explicitly offer to massage their anus with an agreement that penetra-
tion will not be part of the picture. With that assurance, the recipient
of your touch can concentrate solely on the sensations that your touch
is generating, without thinking about penetration and all of its stigmas.
146
Figure 20. The internal and external anal sphincters. Blue dots show hemmorrhoidal
veins. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
Figure 21. Prostate massage, saggital view. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with
Caffyn Jesse.
147
Exercise 19: Anal Mapping
Waking up the Neighborhood

Anal touch becomes pleasurable when the whole body is in a state
of deep relaxation. You can begin your exploration with whole body
massage and deep, synchronized breathing. Focus on the inside of the
thighs and the lower back, then the butt cheeks.
Offer the person receiving deep pressure in the gluteal muscles,
where so much tension is carried. Feel the bones of the pelvic bowl
through the butt cheeks and hold them. Feel into the muscle attachments
around the sacrum. Hold the sacrum and imagine it as a sacred chalice
that receives and gives back life-force energy.
You can experiment with different kinds of touch to relax and awak-
en the nerve endings in the butt. Try holding, gliding, compression,
spanking, tapping, featherlight touch, stroking, squeezing and rocking.
Stimulate the area around the anus before touching the sphincters
directly. Let desire build. Go slowly as you try new things and add new
sensations. Keep communicating about speed and pressure. Use plenty
of oil.
Use oil, and caress the groove of the butt with the side of your hand
—up and down for men, up and away from the vagina only for women.
Add vibration to the glide. Use both hands to pull the butt cheeks apart.
This feels vulnerable and exciting. Push the butt cheeks together. This
feels safe and relaxing. Alternate touch that is exciting with touch that
is relaxing, watching how the person receiving responds. The idea is to
help the person being touched to expand their comfort zone gradually,
without ever going into a sense of being unsafe.
The Perineum
The perineum has a dense concentration of pelvic muscles and nerve
endings. When you stimulate the perineum externally, you are stimulat-
ing the perineal sponge of the clitoral complex in women and the root
of the penis plus the prostate gland in men.
You can pulse the pads of your fingertips in and out. Press in and
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move in small circles around the perineum. Put your fist on perineum
and pulse. Evaluate the elasticity or stiffness of pelvic floor muscles
through the perineum. Move slowly and offer deep pressure, so these
muscles relax.
The Anal Opening

Many nerve endings are on the outside of the anus, so you can en-
joy a radical unfolding of anal pleasure without ever going inside.
Simply holding the anus with a still hand will allow the person re-
ceiving to relax. It is important that they know that you have no agenda,
and that you will never penetrate before they are ready. You can pulse
on the sphincter with one or two fingers, and stroke around with circu-
lar motions. Use a knuckle to visit the anus. Add vibration. Glide your
thumb (or finger) across the asshole. Slide your thumbs into the groove
and move them in circles over one another, gliding over the asshole,
then pressing in. Slide your forearm through the butt cheeks and press
your elbow into the groove.
Going very, very slowly can be deeply relaxing. Rapid touch can
build excited arousal. Be sure not to go too fast. When in doubt, slow
down, and then slow down even more. Deep relaxation is what will
allow the recipient’s arousal to unfold.
Going Inside
Listen to the body, and verbally communicate with the massage re-
cipient. The paradigm of “penetration” should be discarded in favor
of “being invited in.” The asshole will open like a flower beneath your
hands, when and if it becomes ready. Be patient and know this read-
iness is a journey that can unfold through many sessions, over many
months.
Use lots and lots of slippery lube. Rest your index finger on the ass-
hole and apply very gentle pressure. Allow the ass to relax, open, and
invite you in. Move very, very, very slowly.
When you first enter the anal canal, just hold still for a long time. Let
this person know that you have no goals. Sphincters open and relax
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at their own pace. When you begin to move, make only slow and tiny
movements. Watch for constriction. Be ready to stop and gently with-
draw. Recognize that the recipient’s desire alone does not guarantee
their pleasure.
Try a slow and gentle stretch in all directions—pressing into the ex-
ternal sphincter at every hour on the clock face. Feel whether the sphinc-
ter can relax and release. Move gradually inside, if you are drawn in.
In this initial approach to touching inside the body, your goal is not
arousal, but relaxation. Only the deepest relaxation will allow this rich
concentration of nerve endings to come alive. Is the internal sphincter
tight? Go no further. If you feel it relax and open, pulse slowly and
gently into the various points and massage into tight places.
If you go deeper past the internal anal sphincter, you can feel into
the muscles of the pelvic diaphragm and their attachments. Gently and
slowly massage into areas of constricted and bunched-up muscle fibers.
Try gentle and deeper pulses. Add vibrations, circles, stretching, and
see how the recipient responds. Where does the asshole take you?
There may be arousal. Follow the pleasure. Explore adding external
genital touch, and investigate how you can stimulate the genitals from
inside the anus. What spots feel especially good? The prostate is often
a source of pleasure when massaged. The root of the penis is near the
anal opening and can be stimulated from the inside. In women the
perineal sponge and the whole clitoral complex can be stimulated with
interanal touch, plus the deeper erogenous zones.
For prostate massage, feel interanally towards the front of the body
for a walnut-sized gland (size varies—and many older men have en-
larged prostate glands). The gland is usually a little deeper than one
or two knuckles deep. Feel the contours of the prostate gland. You may
feel a distinctive pulsation under you fingertip. You may be able to feel
two distinct lobes of the prostate, with a sulcus in between. Stroke the
prostate towards the sulcus. This is the motion used to milk the prostate.
Begin very gently, and explore increasing the pressure if he is aroused.
Ask for specific feedback.
The anal canal and rectum are passageways that normally contain
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little if any feces. Sometimes, though, anal massage can get messy. If
you are not prepared to greet fecal matter with equanimity, don’t offer
anal massage! Some receivers like to prepare for anal massage with
an enema.
Conclusion
Work in the anal area is crucial for full and deep embodiment. Ellen
Heed describes anal massage as “the Royal Road to the Autonomic
Nervous System” because we access smooth muscle simply by mas-
saging and relaxing the internal anal sphincter. She also notes that the
digestive system has its own independent nervous system, known as
the enteric nervous system. “The enteric nervous system produces 98%
of the seratonin in the body. It also produces its own benzodiazap-
ines (valium). It even contains a substantial amount of grey matter
(brain cells), hence its name: The Second Brain.” We can understand
that with anal massage we are building capacity to dialogue with un-
conscious processes and tune into our “gut instinct,” as we evolve the
function and integration of neural networks.
Resources
Jack Morin, Anal Pleasure and Health, Down There Press; Fourth edition,
2010
Aislinn Emirzian and Charlie Glickman, The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Plea-
sure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners, Cleis Press, 2013.
Videos
From Pleasure Mechanics:
Butt Massage
Anal Massage on a Woman
Guide to Prostate Massage
From the New School of Erotic Touch:
Joseph Kramer, Uranus: Self Anal Massage
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___________, Anal Massage for Relaxation and Pleasure

___________, Anal Massage for Lovers
and other videos
References
Frank Browning, 1994, The Culture of Desire: Paradox and Perversity in Gay
Lives Today. New York: Vintage Books (Random House), p. 87, 89.
Klaus Theweleit, Male Fantasies, trans Chris Turner and Erica Carter, Cam-
bridge: polity Press, 1989, Volume 2 p. 138.
Ellen Heed, “Meet the Anal Sphincters: The Royal Road to the Autonomic
Nervous System,” 2011, unpublished PowerPoint prepared for the 2011
Certified Sexological Bodyworker Canada training.
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H e a l i n g Pa i n f u l S e x
HEALING PAINFUL SEX
N early three out of four women have painful sex at some

time during their lives, according to the American College of
Obstetricians and Gynecologists. For men painful sex has been subject
to significantly less research, but through my years as a practitioner
of erotic massage I have come to believe that a significant percentage
of men suffer from pain with erection, intercourse or orgasm. Many
transgender and gender-variant people also suffer from painful sex that
can be rooted in trauma, surgical scarring, or holding chronic tension
in a body that feels all wrong. Genital numbness is not the opposite
of pain, but an associated problem. People respond to chronic pain or
tension in the genital region by shutting down and going numb. All of
the massage strokes shared in this book can help to heal and awaken
the neural network. The techniques in this chapter, which focuses on
fascial release and scar tissue remediation, are more tools to add to
your toolkit.
When a client presents with sexual pain, we can teach them mul-
tiple alternatives to intercourse-based sex. This can alleviate the issue
of pain in many relationships. We can also use our massage skills to
assist them in healing painful sex. Massaging intervaginally and inter-
anally can help us reach deep into the body, bringing healing touch to
tissues that cannot be reached in any other way. A significant number
of medical studies prove the efficacy of internal massage in addressing
pelvic pain. We can also offer a loving environment to support a client
in releasing and healing tension and trauma.
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When dealing with a client who is experiencing pain with sex, I

offer three guidelines initially:
1. Take more Time

All too often, penetration happens before we are really ready. As
discussed in more detail in the chapter on “Touching Women,” the
erectile tissues of the internal clitoris take an average of 40 minutes
to engorge. It is the engorgement of erectile tissues around the vagina
that makes vaginal penetrative intercourse pleasurable. Deep relax-
ation of the anal sphincters allows anal pleasure to unfold.
2. Use More Lube

A good lubricant can make all the difference. Try silicone lube if
water-based lube or coconut oil isn’t slippery enough. (But silicone
lube is not compatible with silicone toys. Put a condom on your toys.)
3. Check for a Medical Condition

There are many medical conditions that can cause sexual pain, in-
cluding urinary tract infections, various sexually transmitted infections,
and pelvic inflammatory disease. A medical professional should check
any occurrence of sexual pain that is not easily alleviated by slowing
down and using more lube.
If your client has gone through medical diagnosis and treatment
and ruled out everything else, but they are still experiencing symptoms,
there is a form of treatment you can offer. With intervaginal and in-
teranal massage, the muscles of the pelvic diaphragm can be palpated,
bringing relaxation, increased circulation and hydration to this essen-
tial structure in which so much tension can be stored. In addition, the
fascial system can be addressed. Massage that focuses on the fascia will
encourage blood and lymphatic fluids to flow freely. Muscles, joints,
bones, organs, and the nervous system can realign and work more ef-
fectively. Fascial release can also address scar tissue resulting from ab-
dominal and genital surgeries, trauma, childbirth, and chronic tension.
Fascia is a term for the continuous, three-dimensional web of con-
154
nective tissue that joins, separates and permeates every structure and
system in the human body. Instead of focusing on the muscles, bones
and organs taught in anatomy class, you can focus on the space between
them. In this space there is a semifluid internal architecture of fascia.
Fascia not only holds this space, it also honeycombs all through the
whole body, connecting every structure, wrapping every bone, holding
each organ, and surrounding each muscle, muscle fiber and cell. Fascia
is full of sensory nerve receptors. It is through the fascia that we sense
where our body is in space. Fascia orchestrates full-body movement.
Fascial restrictions can affect everything in the body, from skeletal
alignment through to cellular function. Injury to the fascia can result in
extensive restrictions that snake through the fascial architecture, con-
straining the flow of blood, lymph, and nerves in places far removed
from the initial problem. Fascial restriction creates pain, tension and
dysfunction, which can generate additional fascial injury.
Exercise 20: Fascial Unwinding

You can feel and heal your own fascial network through stretching.
Try tuning in and allowing your body to find its preferred stretches.
Slowly unwind your body from the pelvic bowl. Expand your length and
breadth, feeling your bones lengthen and your muscles slide across one
another. When you come to a stopping point in your stretch, feel into
it for awhile. Notice whether you feel fascial release after holding a
stretch for one to five minutes. If you can, continue unwinding.
Fascia is composed of stretchy elastic fibers, supportive collagen

fibers, and a gelatinous substance that surrounds them. Author Brooke
Thomas uses the metaphor of a sponge to explain the elasto-collag-
enous complex of the fascia as a fluid system. She writes, “When a
sponge dries out it becomes brittle and hard. It can easily be broken
with only a little force because of how crispy it has become. Howev-
er, when a sponge is wet and well-hydrated it gets springy and resilient.
You can crush it into a little ball and it bounces back. You can wring
it and twist it, but it is difficult to break” (emphasis original). When
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fascia is well-hydrated it assists anatomical structures in sliding easily

over each other. When it is dry, fascia will actually glue these same
structures together. Muscles can no longer move into and over each
other; they lose strength as well as stretch. Organs get stuck to adja-
cent organs or the pelvic wall. Arteries, nerves, and the lymphatic sys-
tem get trapped in a stranglehold. Soft tissue restrictions keep fascia
dry, sticky, brittle and prone to injury. Sticky bits (called “adhesions”)
need to be unstuck before fluid can return to dehydrated fascia. Inter-
anal and intervaginal massage can be remarkably effective in encour-
aging this process.
Organic castor oil is usually used for any part of scar tissue massage
that requires oil. Massage can be supplemented with the application of
“Castor Oil Packs” made of oil-soaked flannel and applied with heat.
The Ancient Egyptians used castor oil for medicinal purposes, and it
has been used in many other cultures as a folk medicine. The product
is sold as a dietary supplement and it is considered safe in proper doses
for use as a laxative, but the castor bean contains a poison and the oil
can cause allergic reactions. Be sure to test outside before applying
the oil to mucosal tissue. In the Sexological Bodywork training we are
taught that the oil can help to dissolve and remove adhesions along
with other therapeutic effects. My own experience and the anecdotal
evidence of colleagues support this claim.
The exercise “Pelvic Opening Massage” described in the chapter
“Approaches to Vulva Touch” (Exercise 12) is very similar in intent
and content to a massage for healing painful sex. It is often useful to
combine these methods.
Exercise 21: Scar Tissue Massage

Begin by palpating the person’s body overall, without oil. Connect
with the person emotionally and synchronize your breath. Encourage
your client to feel a softening with every exhale, as if they are melting
into the table. Feel for fascial restrictions. Where these are found, you
can encourage release by anchoring the fascia with one hand and
distracting it from the anchored hand with the other. Hold the tissues
156
in a stretched position until you feel a release. This can take from be-
tween one to five minutes. You can also bring the tissues into a stretch
by moving one hand up while the other moves down. Bring these same
principles to bear when you focus more closely on smaller areas, using
thumbs and fingers instead of whole hands. Try skin rolling to release
the fascia.
A caution: check for any scars from any hernia operations, and
ask if the massage recipient has had a hernia. Beware of putting any
pressure on this scar tissue, as it usually contains a mesh that can cause
injury.
After some time working at the fascial level from the outside, I usually
apply a pack of castor-oil-soaked flannel, along with heat. This cas-
tor-oil pack can rest on the lower abdomen, where fascial restrictions
tend to concentrate, as I venture towards the genitals.
Hold your hands cupped over the genitals of the person receiving.
Gently massage the external genitals. Be sure to use enough lubricant
so that the recipient feels comfortable. Castor oil is a good choice for
the internal massage, as it will support the fascial release, but it is too
viscous for external massage.
If you are invited into the body for interanal or intervaginal massage,
go very slowly. Evaluate the elasticity, sensitivity and stickiness of the
tissues. Where you feel adhesion, pull on the tissues as you encourage
the fascia to release and realign. Hold still, with tension, on sticky bits.
You can visualize, and invite your client to visualize, that the sensation
of stretch or pressure slowly reaches more and more deeply into the
body, like water soaking into a sponge. If there is pain, ask your client
to guide you as you observe their body. Is it sharp pain that causes
their body to recoil? Or is it “good pain” that feels healing? If it is
“good pain,” you can instruct them breathe deeply as they direct their
focus to any tightness underneath the pain. As they focus on softening
that tightness, you can keep holding, until you feel the glue release.
Be patient, as this release can take five minutes. Unwinding of fascial
restriction can often be felt throughout the body, and is sometimes ex-
pressed in involuntary movements, shivers and shakes. Fascial release
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can be supported by regular internal massage to relax the tissues and

improve circulation.
If there is scarring from abdominal or genital surgery, trauma, or
childbirth, feel for its depth, shape, texture and extent. Invite the per-
son receiving to communicate with you how they feel your touch, and
whether they feel pain or stickiness referred to other parts of the body.
In this way you can follow and treat the extent of fascial adhesion. Ap-
ply castor oil as you continue to massage and encourage the adhesions
to release and realign throughout the body. Abdominal and genital
scar tissue can often be felt throughout the abdominal cavity, and in the
spine, neck and shoulders.
I work in partnership with my clients, helping them to go into a
state of deep internal awareness. They feel into the scar, and allow it
to speak to them. The scar’s “holding” is typically both physical and
emotional, and often an emotional and physical release will be felt
simultaneously. Listen to the stories held in the scar tissue. Be prepared
for tears.
Case Studies
A woman arrived at my studio with a twenty-year old scar from an

appendectomy. The scar tissue formed a firm ridge along her belly and
all through the abdomen, causing her difficulty in stretching and exer-
cises, a hunching of the shoulders, and pain during any sexual activity
that put pressure on the belly or involved penetration. In an initial
session, I explored both externally and internally, and we realized that
the scar tissue reached deeply from the front to the back wall of the ab-
dominal cavity and up around the trachea. I found a rigid scar line on
one side of the vagina and a shorter one across the top. I used a com-
bination of external and internal massage, heat, focused energy and in-
tention to loosen and lengthen the scar tissue fibers. Working on one
area at a time with varying degrees of pressure, I asked her to focus on
visualizing the tissue softening and to observe the changes occurring
in her body—which she described as “nothing short of miraculous!”
158
After the second session, she could bear pressure on the abdomen with
no pain. During the fourth session she suddenly realized there was al-
most no pain on penetration. She reported the next week that she had
for so long ‘made the pain part of the pleasure’ when being sexual, she
had to teach her body to interpret and accept pleasure without pain.
After the sessions were complete, the client wrote a testimonial:
“The absence of any rigidity in my abdominal tissues and the lack of
the discomfort that I had been enduring for years were proof that the
methods that Caffyn is using to relieve… the adhesions of scar tissue
are effective physically. In my experience and process, they were also
emotionally freeing and deeply healing to my soul.”
Another client was a survivor of rape. In the decades following the
trauma, she had been unable to connect sexually with another person
or with herself. Scar tissue from the rape was compounded by chronic
tension, neglect, and the naturally increased fragility of post-meno-
pausal tissues. The pelvic fascia was brittle and dehydrated, and she
could barely feel genital sensation. In our sessions over a period of
months we incorporated many exercises to empower her choice and
voice. In sessions including genital massage, she progressed from no
sensation to painful sensation. She welcomed the “good pain” as she
felt herself unwinding the physical and emotional experiences bound
up in the frozen tissues. Castor oil packs used externally helped to
release adhesions in the clitoral hood. Slow, mindful mapping of the
vulva, with constant communication, helped her to begin to distin-
guish a range of sensations and emotions held in genital tissues that
had previously been numb. With painstaking work and joyful play, she
began to feel into her capacity for pleasure, with a new sense of per-
sonal empowerment.
Circumcision Scars
Another important area of practice is massage for circumcision

scars from genital surgery performed in infancy. Not every person with
a circumcised penis feels circumcision as a wound, and care must be
159
taken not to pathologize a condition inappropriately. But for clients

who do see circumcision as an unjust injury, massage that acknowledg-
es and treats the genital scar tissue can represent an important healing.
In a typical infant boy, the foreskin is a double-sided sleeve of skin
and soft mucosal tissue that completely encloses the glans and is actu-
ally physically bonded to the infant’s glans. During circumcision the
surgeon forces a clamp inside the foreskin, and tears the skin away
from the highly innervated glans. The surgeon then slices the foreskin
down past the glans and cuts the foreskin off. Infant circumcision is
often performed with minimal anesthesia, since anesthetizing such a
young infant can be very dangerous.
Aspects of scarring from circumcision include a visible ring scar on
the shaft of the penis. There may be specific injuries as well as fore-
skin remnants along the shaft, the coronal ridge, or the glans. At the
frenulum, where the foreskin has been torn from its anchor, scar tissue
may preclude sensation. The foreskin is meant to protect the glans of
the penis, just as eyelids protect the eyes. It keeps the glans soft and
moist so that it maintains sensitivity. Without the foreskin, the glans is
forced to develop a surface of tough protective tissue, giving it a wrin-
kled and dry appearance that varies on each penis. Sometimes there
are actual holes in the glans where the knife has slipped. With circum-
cision scar treatment, as with other scars, we feel and follow the scar,
noting texture, appearance, dimpling, tugging, and how superficial or
deep the fascial injury. With loving hearts and knowing hands we can
acknowledge the wound, while inviting the client to feel and process
emotions that arise. I have found that clients can gain enhanced gen-
ital sensation through this work, along with an enhanced capacity to
honor and unwind the early trauma.
Peyronie’s Disease
“Peyronie’s disease” is not a disease but an injury that results in scar

tissue in the penis. This condition affects 5% of men. Trauma sustained
during vigorous sex or other activities creates scars in the sheath of
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tissue surrounding the corpus cavernosa. The scar tissue often causes
pain, abnormal curvature of the penis, and erectile dysfunction. These
symptoms can often be reduced with genital massage.
Conclusion
Homework for clients engaged in healing painful sex can include

self-administered external and internal pelvic massage. People who are
slender and flexible can easily feel into the pelvic outlet and massage
areas that feel stiff and sore. Castor oil packs can be helpful. Improvi-
sational stretching for fascial unwinding, as described above, can be a
fundamental component of healing.
Untangling fascia, addressing scar tissue, and healing painful sex
become aspects of working with many people who come to my prac-
tice, even when they come initially for completely different reasons. A
lifetime of tension, trauma and accumulating injury gets embedded
in fascial architecture and becomes part of what we encounter in an
erotic massage. Working in the genital matrix of body, mind, spirit and
emotions, we have unique tools to help our clients heal these issues
and welcome radiant erotic well-being.
Resources
Workshops
John F. Barnes Myofascial Release Approach™. myofascialrelease.com. Fas-
cial-Pelvis, Women’s Health Seminar.
Ellen Heed. www.ellenheed.com Ellen Heed works hands-on with scars and
trains professionals in Scar Tissue Remediation Techniques for the pel-
vic floor, specializing in birth-related injuries and C-sections.
Books
Jean-Pierre Barral. Manual Therapy for the Prostate. North Atlantic Books,
2010
____________________. Urogenital Manipulation. Eastland Press, 1995.
161
Deborah Coady, Nancy Fish. Healing Painful Sex: A Woman’s Guide to Con-
fronting, Diagnosing, and Treating Sexual Pain. Seal Press, 2011.
David Wise, Rodney Anderson. A Headache in the Pelvis: A New Understand-
ing and Treatment for Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndromes. National Center For
Pelvic Pain; 6th Revised edition edition, 2012
Videos
Foreskin and Circumcision Explained with Animation, YouTube 2013
Leslie Howard is a yoga teacher who specializes in the pelvic floor. She shares
techniques for assessing your muscles for being too tight or too loose.
Heather Wibbels, Massage Away a Scar, massage techniques to use on scars—
especially surgical scars that are causing issues with range of motion and
flexibility. YouTube 2014.
References
Brooke Thomas, The Top 5 Ways Fascia Matters to Athletes, retrieved online
May 26, 2014 http://breakingmuscle.com/mobility-recovery/the-top-5-
ways-fascia-matters-to-athletes
Harvey Grady, Immunomodulation through castor oil packs. Journal of Na-
turopathic Medicine. Unknown; 7(1):84-89.
____________, “Castor Oil Packs: Scientific Tests Verify Therapeutic Value,
Venture Inward.
162
Soft Restraint and B o l d S e n s at i o n
SOFT RESTRAINT AND

BOLD SENSATION
D elia writhed, pulling against the cords that bound her

hands and feet to the four corners of the massage table. I grabbed
her long, dark hair, close to the roots, and firmly pushed her head back
down onto the table. As I held her head with my left hand, I scratched
her torso and slapped her thighs with my right hand, before I found
her vulva and began to gently vibrate her pubic mound with my palm.
She pulled away from me, but I followed relentlessly, climbing onto
the table to kneel between her bound, spread-eagled legs. Despite her
protests, I massaged and pleasured her vulva until it was swollen and
soaking wet. The plus-sized woman pushed her magnificent cunt onto
my hand, so my right arm was enveloped by her flesh. With my right
hand I pleasured her G-Spot with two fingers, and her clitoris with my
thumb, while my left finger pulsed against her anal opening.
“I feel completely desirable,” she gasped.
“You are gorgeous,” I replied.
“I am completely helpless,” she moaned.
“You are helpless,” I affirmed.
“No!” she exclaimed, squirming in the restraints until her “No!” be-
came a “Now!” Her anus opened and she pushed her ass onto my finger.
Her pelvic floor contracted around my hands as I massaged her clitoral
complex from three directions. With her orgasm, she burst into tears.
This woman, in her early forties, had been raped at age eighteen.
163
She had endured a series of difficult relationships. An abdominal sur-

gery had triggered painful periods. She lived with the cultural stigma
of being a plus-sized woman. She had spent many long years feeling
turned off sex. In our sessions she wanted to explore reconnecting to
her capacity for pleasure in a safe environment. Part of her exploration
involved the use of soft restraints and bold sensation in this negotiat-
ed interaction. She wanted a chance to experience roles and feelings
she didn’t want to play out, anymore, in her “real world” relationships.
Roles of victim and sex object were interwoven with her erotic identity.
Her easiest access to her turn-on came with fantasies and feelings of
objectification, humiliation and helplessness. Exploring this “shadow”
in an embodied way allowed her to own and integrate it as a welcome
aspect of her wholeness. With integration, we no longer have to live
the shadow in unchosen roles and relationships. We can explore these
parts of the Self, consciously and mindfully, in pleasurable and em-
powering ways.
There are many reasons why people want to explore restraint and
bold sensation. Using these tools and approaches during an erotic
massage will create a biochemical journey as well as a journey of the
psyche. Oxytocin production is stimulated by the massage. Adrenaline
is the “fight or flight” hormone that the body produces in response
to stress and fear. Adrenaline acts on all the body’s functions and tis-
sues. It makes us breathe quickly and shallowly, and causes the pelvic
diaphragm and fascia to tighten. It creates more alertness and body
focus, while at the same time inhibiting sexual response. Endorphins
are hormonelike chemicals that suppress pain and build a feeling of
bliss. Endorphin levels are amplified by pain and sexual stimulation.
Through practice, we can learn to let go of fear, so that endorphins
flood the system with natural pain relief. We can learn to thrill to sen-
sations that might seem intolerable without practice.
As we practice exploring and regulating our biochemical responses,
we also explore our emotional responses to pain and fear. Approaching
intense sensation safely, in a place and relationship where we do actu-
ally have complete control, we gain a unique perspective. We can come
164
S o f t R e s t r a i n t a n d B o l d S e n s at i o n
completely into the present moment, where we meet the body’s in-
stinctive recoil in the face of pain. We meet the heart’s cowering in the
face of fear. And in these encounters we can recognize attitudes that
shape our lives. We might find that fear of pain has become a habit that
keeps us from living, loving, and expressing all of who we are, and what
we’re capable of becoming. We might find that in seeking an illusion of
safety, we have taken up too little space, stayed too quiet or played too
small. In the embodied experience of intense sensation, we can learn
to trust that we have the inner resources to meet whatever comes up.
We can choose to feel pain and fear, and keep on opening, or we can
choose to boldly change the scene, and create new circumstances.
Soft restraints and bold sensation are tools I use as a natural exten-
sion of my erotic massage practice. I have simple velcro restraints that
I attach to the four legs of my massage table, and a small variety of toys
for sensation play. (I happily refer people to other providers when they
want to explore more intense forms of BDSM.)
Here are a few ingredients for explorers.
Negotiation
Sessions involving role play, restraint and intense sensation need to

be negotiated explicitly and in detail beforehand. Find out what your
client yearns to feel, whether they have explored these feelings before,
and whether that exploration was in a consensual or nonconsensual
context. When playing with power, we need to emphasize empow-
ering clients, so that they learn how to know and ask for what they
want, and gain practice with clearly articulating desire and consciously
negotiating consent. A recent study found that BDSM practitioners
were less neurotic, more extroverted, more open to new experienc-
es, more conscientious, less rejection-sensitive, had higher subjec-
tive well-being, yet were less agreeable than a control group. Female
BDSM participants had more confidence in their relationships, had a
lower need for approval, and were less anxiously attached compared
with non-BDSM participants. Practice with the process of becoming
165
aware of and communicative about desires may explain these results,

according to Andreas Wismeijer, lead author.
Safe Words and Check-ins
Clients need to be empowered with “safe words” that can stop the
play, or guide your touch. I like to use a traffic signal metaphor: “Green”
means “Yes! More!” “Yellow” means “Caution, slow down.” “Red”
means “Stop! You have approached or crossed a physical, emotional,
mental or spiritual boundary.” If you get a “Red,” you must stop the
scene instantly and go into aftercare.
You can negotiate a nonverbal way to “check in” with your client
without breaking your roles during a session. A single hand squeeze
might mean “Let me know if you are okay.” A single hand squeeze in
reply might mean “Yes, let’s continue” while a double hand squeeze
means “Let’s back off.”
But don’t rely only on your client to use hand signals or safe words
to guide you when they are in the altered state induced by role play and
bold sensation. Practice exquisite attention.
Precautions
For safety, bold sensation should be administered only on areas well

protected by fat or muscle. You can safely hit the buttocks and the
outer thighs. People with additional training in administering bold
sensation can learn how to safely hit shoulders and upper arms, inner
thighs, parts of the genitals, and the back of the calves. Other areas
should never, ever receive direct blows or sustain any direct or pro-
longed pressure. When spanking the buttocks and outer thighs, be
completely sure to avoid the tailbone, hipbones, and inguinal crease.
Be careful never to hit the kidneys, neck, head, all joints, throat, belly,
bones and breasts.
Always be able to immediately and safely release someone from
any restraint if they ask to end the scene, or external circumstances
166
demand it. Bandage scissors have an angled tip with a blunt bottom
blade. They can be kept handy for cutting restraints without gouging
the skin.
Restraint
I use a simple system with Velcro cuffs for hands and feet. Other
practitioners enjoy creating elaborate and beautiful bondage scenes
with different varieties of rope. This requires specialized training and
safety precautions.
Restraint is an exploration of trust and vulnerability. Some people
feel a sense of freedom during periods of “enforced” passivity. A re-
strained person can “let go” of needing to do something or be some-
thing, and focus attention on their inner journey. Others want to ex-
perience helplessness, struggle against their bonds, or feel themselves
exposed and used for erotic simulation. Exploring the archetypal ener-
gy of surrender can be an important part of nurturing erotic well-being.
Rough Handling
Spanking. The usual targets for spanking are buttocks and thighs.
Find the right balance between being the hypnotic pleasures of rhyth-
mic spanking and the astonishing pleasures of unpredictable touch.
You can alternate spanking with a cupped hand and spanking with
a flat hand, creating very different sensations. Start slowly and build
intensity, alternating spanking with tender touch.
Hair pulling. Put your hand very close to the scalp and grab a large
handful of hair. With this grip, you can firmly and authoritatively
“control” the receiver without actually pulling out their hair.
Hitting. The buttocks and outer thighs can also be punched with a
closed fist.
Choking. The soft tissues of the throat should never, ever be touched
or compressed. People can be grabbed right under the chin, at the very
top of the neck.
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Sensation Toys
Paddles, straps, rulers, and wooden spoons are fun and inexpensive
toys that can create a variety of sensations and trigger different emo-
tional responses.
Wooden clothespins are cheap, affordable, disposable, low-impact
toys for providing a pinching sensation to labia, scrotum and nipples.
Hairbrush and toothbrush create zingy, scratchy sensations.
You can administer challenging sensations alternating with delicate
touch. Use a soft brush, a feather, or a piece of fur to really awaken all
the nerve endings.
Aftercare
“Aftercare” means taking good care of your client after their journey
through the intense experience of a session. Your client is likely to
need emotional support, comfort, reassurance, and physical tenderness.
Ask them to share their experience with you. Help them feel comfort-
able in telling you what worked and didn’t work for them. Helpful
aftercare practices include hugging, holding, hair-stroking, eye-gazing,
and words of praise or gratitude.
Resources
Workshop
Body Electric, Power and Surrender.
Books
Jaeleen Bennis and Eve Minax, Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips for
Lovers.
Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, The New Bottoming Book and The New Top-
ping Book, Greenery Press.
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Videos
Pleasure Mechanics, spanking videos
References
Andreas A.J. Wismeijer and Marcel A.L.M. van Assen, “Psychological Char-
acteristics of BDSM Practitioners,” International Society for Sexual
Medicine, 2013,
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Communal Erotic Experience
COMMUNAL EROTIC
EXPERIENCE
F or two-and-a-half days in the women’s temple we had

shared our stories, danced, prayed, and shown each other our vul-
vas. The experience had been life-changing for all of us, and perhaps
especially for Patricia. She felt herself shedding old identities and be-
ing reborn. She came to the Erotic Massage ritual as a culmination of
this process.
Two of us were assigned to massage Patricia, while around the room
on eight massage tables twenty-four women worked in groups of three.
Patricia told us that she had been terribly and violently sexually abused
over a period of several years. Her intention was to shed the identity
of the victim through this ritual, and step into a new self—one that
would be powerful and empowered by this circle of women. I suggest-
ed she focus on movement and breathing— as she moved, she could
stay in touch with her capacity and agency. I also felt it important that
she direct every step of the massage.
Throughout the whole body massage Patricia directed us to very
specific movements, such as peeling the skin off her body with our
fingernails and blowing away the old skin with our breath. She kept
moving and breathing deeply, with our support. She had us stop and
hold our hands on her crown, throat, heart and vulva. We stayed still
for quite awhile in each location. Then she instructed us to do some
very specific work on her genitals, peeling the labia outwards, peeling
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her open. She asked to have the hood of her clitoris peeled back, and
for her clitoral glans to be stimulated. She invited us to continue the
massage with some of the specific strokes that had been demonstrated.
Having our touch extend into her vagina was a vital piece of the rit-
ual Patricia wanted. She asked if we would be willing. I said “I will put
my finger at the gate, and when you are ready, you can move onto my
finger.” She did so, and I continued the massage internally while the
other woman massaged Patricia’s neck and shoulders. As the roomful
of twenty-four women breathed together, we guided Patricia into the
Big Draw. At the end of the ritual she sobbed and laughed, and spent
a long time in a deep trance.
In her reflections afterwards, Patricia noted that she had really felt
empowered to create her own ritual, stay fully present, and direct ev-
ery touch. She encouraged me, “Never doubt yourself. Never doubt
the importance of this work you do.” She told all the participants in
the women’s temple that she had buried her old self and been reborn
through the ceremony.
Erotic energy can be explored alone. It can be amplified in connec-
tion with a teacher or partner. But erotic energy explored in a group
is a rich and multifaceted experience that feels to me like a crucial
part of the sexual healing we need as individuals and as a society. It is
sacred, empowering and transformative. We learn from our own and
each other’s unfolding. We feel reverence and awe as we witness each
other. We find support for our own unique journeys, while we reso-
nate with shared commonalities. We experience erotic energy outside
of one-on-one connections, hookups and romantic relationships, and
find it is a powerful aspect of community.
Starhawk writes: “We are all longing to go home to some place
we have never been—a place, half-remembered, and half-envisioned,
we can only catch glimpses of from time to time. Community. Some-
where, there are people to whom we can speak with passion without
having the words catch in our throats. Somewhere a circle of hands
will open to receive us, eyes will light up as we enter, voices will cel-
ebrate with us whenever we come into our own power. Community
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Communal Erotic Experience
means strength that joins our strength to do the work that needs to
be done. Arms to hold us when we falter. A circle of healing. A circle
of friends. Someplace where we can be free.” I have experienced this
dreamed-of community in communal erotic practice, and I dream we
can create a sustainable and lasting place in our culture and society for
this “circle of friends.”
Communal erotic experience has been part of human culture since
its earliest beginnings, as cave paintings and ancient artifacts show.
In Central and Northern Europe communal erotic experience was an
aspect of pagan ritual worship of the great goddesses of death and fe-
cundity. In this practice, sex is not an act we do; it is an energy we share
through an experience of body, mind, spirit and emotions.
Resources
Body Electric workshops.
Elfi Dillon Shaw. heartcoretouch.com
Caffyn Jesse, Women’s Temple and Intimacy Education training. erospirit.ca
Video
Caffyn Jesse, Images of Sex and Spirit.
References
Starhawk. Dreaming the Dark: Magic, Sex, and Politics. Beacon Press, 1997.
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E c s tat i c E m b o d i m e n t
ECSTATIC EMBODIMENT
What is Sexual Energy?
M ost people in this culture experience sexual energy through

the paradigm of romance and relationship. When we fall in
love, for a little while, the whole world vibrates. We have a heightened
awareness of our desire and capacity for sexual pleasure. We are filled
with joy. So long as the romance goes well, everything seems beautiful.
We are on fire with life-force energy. But the best romances fade, and
romantic partners may be unavailable. Our awareness of sexual energy
retreats, or we feel frustrated, as if we have no context for its expression.
The advertising industry shows us that sexual energy transcends
genital feeling. It can accrue to cars, beer, televisions. We can expe-
rience sexual energy through the paradigm of appetite. And I believe
that owning our appetite—exploring lust, pleasure and sensuality—is
vital to our well-being. We have grown up in a culture that mostly
shames our sexualities even as it exploits our repressed appetite. Mar-
ket culture works by telling us we are not enough—we need to buy
more, do more, and be more because we are too fat, old, young, queer,
poor, unskilled, brown, smelly or disabled to be desirable. Exploring
pleasure is a path of resistance, empowering us to find gratitude for our
diverse bodies, sexualities, and differences. But sexual energy associat-
ed only with appetite can feel empty and exploitative.
There is another way of viewing and experiencing sexual energy
175
that may be uncommon in this culture, but it was widely known and
practiced in indigenous cultures around the world. Sexual energy can
be experienced as transformative spirit, an aspect of the sacred, a way
to dance in union with all that is. Sexual energy can be experienced in
all that we do, and the world around us. It can be used for celebration
and healing, planting and hunting. Desire is a doorway to ecstatic ex-
perience—where the ecstatic means not only deeper pleasure, but also
mystical experience, communion with the divine. Sex can be a form of
prayer or ceremony. It is really an anomaly in human history that we
do not honor and practice the intersection of sex and spirit.
Erotic massage is a way to discover, honor and practice sexual ener-
gy in all its life-affirming dimensions.
Coming Home to the Body
With hearts wide open, ecstasy is our natural state. And there are so
many ways we block it. We block it by closing our minds with nega-
tive judgments and self-judgments, and mental chatter about what we
want or fear. Our spirits get caught in clinging to ideas of what is good
and right, and worries that we cannot have it or cannot measure up
to it. Fear, shame, confusion and lethargy occupy our emotions. Our
bodies block the ecstatic with tension that resists injury and scars that
hold it. As erotic massage practitioners we have the opportunity and
the responsibility to meet each person where they are in this matrix
of body, mind, spirit and emotions. If we can earn their trust, through
ethical practice with clear and consistent boundaries, we can guide
them to the healing and heart-opening practices of ecstatic embod-
iment.
The deep relaxation of erotic massage allows us to experience, if
only for an hour, the bliss our bodies can teach us. Relaxing through
the resistances, the soul can experience a letting go. Disturbing ener-
gies can pass through us, and we can choose to keep our hearts open.
We can step into focused awareness of the cascade of sensation within.
The mental processes of judging, protecting and differentiating can
176
simply stop. We feel an expanding spaciousness. We feel ourselves part

of a life force that is everywhere and always. This force and this feeling
cannot be grasped with the mind. Through our bodies, we can have a
direct experience of the Divine.
In this culture we breathe shallowly and find little time for play. We
live in our busy minds and forget that our bodies are marvelous, intri-
cate, and far more complicated than a mind can imagine. Our bodies
encode billions of years of evolutionary wisdom. The human mind is a
recent evolutionary experiment.
We can create zones of safety in which we can learn our body wis-
dom, bringing our awareness to tissues, blood and breath. We can learn
to consciously dialogue with Autonomic Nervous System responses.
We can learn to appreciate and enjoy how erotic energy flows through
us. We can notice how we block its flow when we close our hearts. We
block its flow when we cling.
Many of us live out of touch with the sexual energy within and
around us. Thinking that we live in a world of scarcity, where sexual
expression needs be confined to the dissatisfying realms of romance or
appetite, we shut ourselves down. I invite my clients to imagine and
play with walking through the world in a totally turned-on body, alive
to the beauty and sensuality around and within. We can stop thinking
of sexual energy as something we need to get rid of, to either repress
with self-discipline or to discharge through orgasm. When we begin,
instead, to savor and amplify our erotic energy, we become lovers with
all life. We can practice accessing this energy in any moment simply
by paying attention to the genital sensation we experience with each
deep breath.
Of course there are many very good reasons we don’t live ecstatically.
Addressing Shame and Fear
We are raised in a culture shaped by centuries of sexual repression.

Women have been oppressed and objectified. Violence and hatred is
directed at sexual minorities. This is a culture that shames the body
177
and its desires, and fiercely punishes every transgression of all but the
most restrictive paradigms for sexual expression and gender identity.
For people who don’t have sex by the rules, the punishments are real
and they are terrible. They include jail, rape, poverty, loneliness, and
monstrous, deadly violence. The psychic and social damage is incalcu-
lable. Individually we experience our desires through screens of shame,
grief, fear, dissociation, hypervigilance, neurological numbing, emo-
tional scars, isolation, and attachment to dysfunctional relationships.
Sex is severed from spirit and from emotions, from mind’s understand-
ing, and even from physical sensation.
Receiving an erotic massage, we have a chance to witness the layers
of shame and fear attached to our sexual feelings. We can practice re-
laxing our inner vigilance. By shifting awareness to become a “compas-
sionate witness” to all the toxicity, we can learn to become more fully
present. We can learn to choose the joy of looking through eyes that
are filled with love and compassion for others and ourselves.
Empowering Choices and Boundaries
In staggering numbers, we are sexually, physically and emotionally

abused, as children and as adults. Our psychic boundaries are trans-
gressed and eroded by inattention and bullying, neglect and unwanted
touch. We often address these painful woundings by armoring our-
selves against all feeling, or by dissociating and “going along with” sex-
ual scenarios we don’t author and don’t want. Finding our way back to
our erotic connection with all life paradoxically requires us to relearn
and reinforce our boundaries, to empower ourselves and each other
with a range of choices in erotic situations, to explore the vast and
uncharted territories between yes and no.
As ethical erotic practitioners we create an environment of trust.
We work to empower clients’ choices, and to watch for patterns of en-
during unwanted touch. We lovingly express our boundaries without
shaming the other person or apologizing for ourselves. In an environ-
ment where boundaries are celebrated and choices empowered, our
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clients can learn to relax their inner vigilance.
Transforming Gender
The way our society constructs gender is an awful wounding. Learn-

ing the requirements of adult sexual identity is equivalent to the paring
away of capacities. Boys forgo sensitivity, receptivity and inwardness
to assume the perks of manhood. Girls must denigrate and fear their
power and independence to become acceptable women. These psychic
excisions are violent and painful mutilations. Often the wounds refuse
to heal. Finding the courage to grieve what is wounded and lost, and
choose a path of erotic aliveness, we learn to access male and female
energies within ourselves, and create numinous space in which differ-
ent aspects of what we call male and female can play, blend, and tran-
scend gender duality.
As practitioners of erotic massage we can interact with our clients
in ways that invite them to play with gender. Gender can be a prism
rather than a prison in an erotic relationship that employs creative,
conscious touch.
Tantric Practices
Tantric traditions are vast, complex and ancient, and I am not an

adept. Still I regard some of the teachings of Tantra as foundational to
my erotic massage practice.
Tantra embraces sexuality as a vital part of our spiritual nature—
sexual pleasure is viewed as a taste of the divine. By extending and
expanding the body’s capacity for pleasure, we celebrate the sacred in
others and ourselves. Erotic feeling is a vehicle for exploring ecstatic
states and deepening intimacy. Tantra invites us to transform sexual
experience by seeing ourselves and our partners differently—releasing
cynicism and judgment, and honoring the spirit within.
In Tantric practice, ritual is used to create a zone of safety and sep-
arateness for erotic experience. The ritual element of an erotic massage
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offering can be reinforced with simple practices, like lighting candles,

playing special music, saying prayers to begin and end, and honing in
on a sacred intention for your time together. Simple acts and attitudes
can bring attention to the power of an erotic massage to create space
for transformation, healing and personal growth. Erotic massage ritu-
als can support people in opening to the extraordinary.
In contrast to the fast-paced, goal-oriented approach to erotic ex-
perience that dominates in North American culture, Tantra guides
us to give time to pleasure, to savor the process, and to aim for mo-
ment-to-moment awareness in a dance that has no beginning and no
end. When we linger and build sexual energy, so that the whole body
becomes alive and orgasmic, the cells of the body celebrate as sen-
sation replaces thought. Tantrikas study the art of staying relaxed in
high states of arousal—experiencing the pleasure and energy of sexual
excitement and relaxing into it, allowing more and more sexual energy
to fill the body.
Tantric practitioners explain life-force energy as Kundalini spiral-
ing up the chakras. Chakras are spinning spirals of energy located
in specific parts of the body, and associated with different principles,
expressions, sounds, colors and emotions. The Kundalini that resides
in the lower chakras is awakened and coaxed through the whole body,
bringing power and radiance to the belly, heart, throat, brow and final-
ly the crown chakra, the thousand-petalled lotus. Kundalini also needs
to be coaxed down, through the chakras, to become more rooted and
real.
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Table 3. The Chakras and Sexual Energy
COLOR LOCATION VERBS QUALITY EMPOWERS EROTIC

AFFIRMATION
7 Violet Crown I know. Joy Live As I feel joy, the
(top of head) ecstatically. universe feels joy
through me.
Indigo Third Eye I see. Intuition/ Make wise My sexual choices

(centre of Discernment choices. bring power and
6
forehead) healing to myself
and others.
Turquoise Throat I speak. Integrity/ Speak your I communicate my
5 Openness truth. desires clearly and
effectively.
Green Heart I love. Love Practice loving I dwell in my heart.
4 (centre of kindness.
chest)
Yellow Solar Plexus I can. Singularity Shine forth. I unconditionally
(above navel, accept and
3
below celebrate my
ribcage) unique erotic
identity.
Orange Sacral I feel. Passion Create and My passion pulses
(Womb – in transform; through body,
2 all genders, Celebrate mind and spirit.
between aliveness.
navel and
genitals)
Red Root I have. Unity Stay grounded. I am safe and
(Perineum, secure in the
1 between embrace of life,
genitals and and in myself.
anus)
Tantric exercises free up the body—they involve letting your pelvis

move, and using your breath to bring sexual energy to all parts of your
body. One of the most important exercises is the practice of mindful-
ness. Tantric practitioners are guided to focus, and really be present
when receiving sexual stimulation—whether from themselves or oth-
181
ers. As erotic massage practitioners we can coach our clients to let go

of distracting thoughts as they arise, and return to the sensations. We
can ourselves practice focusing on a moment-to-moment awareness
of our hands touching another person, while we draw energy into our
hands with every breath.
Taoist Practices
Mantak Chia, who popularized Taoist traditions of sacred sexuality

in the West, describes the Taoist tradition:
“The universe is filled with different kinds of dynamic energy, or
‘chi.’ The Tao, or ‘way,’ for each [hu]man is to creatively transform his
[or her] energy over the course of a lifetime back to its original state
of harmonious balance. Sexual essence, or ‘ching,’ is a powerful, vital
energy that is generated continuously within the human body.... Re-
fining one’s awareness of sexual energy—with or without a partner—is
one of the simplest ways [for] humans to return to pure consciousness
and experience the deepest rhythms of life.” Taoists believe in the cul-
tivation and conservation of sexual energy. Various methods are used
to amplify, conserve and circulate ching chi, so it flows through the vital
organs and harmonizes the body. Balancing assertive and receptive en-
ergies is another principle of Taoist sexual cultivation. A single person
can balance the yin and yang poles within themselves, experiencing an
inner marriage of these energies. A couple can share and circulate the
subtle energies between them.
Breathing practices are essential to Tantric and Taoist traditions of
sacred sexuality. Breath has great influence on sexual energy and how
it moves. Mastery of the breath transforms the felt need for discharg-
ing sexual energy in a conventional orgasm, and so allows practitioners
to prolong and deepen pleasure.
In both Tantric and Taoist traditions it is focus, conscious breath,
and devoting time to sexual energy that take us beyond the ordinary.
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What is Sacred Intimacy?
Sacred intimates are professionals who help others access the joy
and power of erotic energy. It is a career and a calling. We teach tech-
nologies of ecstasy. We are guides and we are whores. It is our job and
our vocation to cherish our clients’ souls as we guide them to expand
their capacity for intimacy and bliss.
The exchange of money for erotic touch is widely denigrated, and
even (in some forms and places) prohibited and criminalized in this
culture. Sex work can be a desperate choice by marginalized people
who are injured and endangered by the thousand ways sex work is
despised. But why is prostitution subject to this scorn? The historic
enclosure of sex in married monogamy coincides with the enclosure
of the commons, the consolidation of patriarchal power, and the vio-
lent suppression of erotic alternatives. When sex escapes the prison of
prescribed lifeways, it admits the dream of freedom. This dream can be
defused in soul-free hookups or one-sided exchanges with disempow-
ered sex workers. Or the dream of freedom can be fostered through
the mindful cultivation of sexual energy. Sacred intimates offer a path
for the conscious practice of erotic freedom. We are creators and in-
novators who see a universe of possibility in the fact that getting paid
gives value to our time, our learning and our love. Money allows for
an exchange of erotic energy that owes no fealty to compulsory forms
of social organization based on family, faith, gender identity or sexual
orientation. With loving relationships based on joyous and equitable
exchange, we can practice a possible future through the medium of
money.
Sacred intimacy means that we consciously craft a container for
ongoing learning through expanding erotic capacity. It means that we
regard sexual energy as potentially offering a way to open the heart
and become joyful, to heal personal and cultural wounds, to experience
wholeness, and to know the divine in others and ourselves. It means
a pledge to treasure the unfolding of our clients’ deepest vulnerabil-
ities and to meet their monsters with equanimity. It means we love
183
each person who comes into our practice, though not as a partner or a
friend. We love them with a detachment that can foster their courage,
exploration, and growth.
As sacred intimates, our job is to keep the heart open when it’s
trying to close and open when it wants to cling. We want to be fully
present with all that is actually unfolding, in ourselves and our clients,
in our bodies and our souls.
As I experience the joy of working and playing with erotic energy,
I channel grace and love through me. I am filled with gratitude and
compassion. Waves of energy awaken within me, and they are waves
of bliss.
Sexual energy is life-force energy. When we are open and alive to
its gifts, we feel waves of joy passing through us. We experience clarity
and awareness. We feel tremendous love for all the beings and beauties
of nature; we become like an ocean of love. We are light as air, fluid as
water. And erotic energy guides us to integrate aspects of the self that
may be dark, mysterious, frightening and violent. These faces of sexual
energy can be welcomed and explored, consciously and joyfully, on a
journey to sexual wholeness.
Resources
Books
Margot Anand, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy. Jeremy P. Tarcher, 1990
Suzanne Blackburn and Margaret Wade. Reclaiming Eros: Sacred Whores and
Healers. Portland, ME: Suade Publishing
Barnaby Baratt, The Way of the Body Prayer Path, Xlibris Corporation, 2004
Barbara Carellas, Ecstasy is Necessary. Hay House, 2012
Christa Schulte, Tantric Sex for Women: A Guide for Lesbian, Bi, Hetero and
Solo Lovers. Almeda, CA, Hunter House, 2005
Videos
Caffyn Jesse, What is Tantric Sex? YouTube
184
Ina Laughingwinds, No Tyrant Can Rule People Who Are Sexually Free,
New School of Erotic Touch
References
Chia, Mantak. And Manteewan Chia. (1984). Taoist Secrets of Love: Culti-
vating Male Sexual Energy. Santa Fe: Aurora Press.
185
P r o f e ssi o n a l E t hi c s a n d B o u n d a r i e s
PROFESSIONAL ETHICS AND

BOUNDARIES
E rotic massage offers unique pleasures that can enhance

any romantic relationship. But practitioners of erotic massage
who study the methods in this book will become much more than
pleasure providers for many of the clients who come to work with us.
As practitioners of the arts of Sacred Intimacy, we act as professional
educators and health care providers whose clients are uniquely vulner-
able. It is essential that we care for these vulnerabilities with compas-
sion, understanding, and deeply ethical relationships.
Create a safe container
For erotic massage to be beneficial in the complex ways that are

possible, it needs to be done in a safe container. A safe container is a
relationship with clear boundaries and roles.
Maintaining appropriate boundaries with clients means that we
must refrain from initiating, or accepting client initiation, of any sexu-
al exchange, sexual activities or sexual behavior other than those activ-
ities that occur within the specific framework of our practice.
Entering into a client-practitioner relationship should involve an
intake process in which the limits and boundaries of the relationship
and potential relationship are agreed to. It is vital to the client’s heal-
ing and growth that these limits and boundaries are respected for the
187
duration of the relationship, despite any pressure to change them.

This is obviously true during the course of a single massage. If gen-
ital touch is not included in the negotiated offering, and then it is
introduced during a massage, boundaries have been violated and the
touch recipient is traumatized. If one-way touch is agreed to, and the
agreement is changed after an hour of touch, you have violated a sa-
cred commitment with someone who is in an altered state. This is vio-
lence. If hands-only genital touch is offered at intake, and the offering
switches during the massage to include oral or penetrative sex, again
boundaries have been violated and the touch recipient is traumatized.
This will be true no matter what the touch recipient says or requests at
the time! Massage, with its profound effects, is akin to taking a pow-
erful drug. The person receiving is not capable of informed consent
during a massage, so make agreements prior to the session, and stick
to them.
I believe that the limits and boundaries established during an in-
take process also need to be maintained over the course of a long-term
relationship with a client. Some practitioners offer only clothes-on,
one-way touch. Other practitioners offer gradations of intimacy. Pos-
sibilities for reciprocal touch can be built through a series of sessions.
Whatever the practice, its scope should be clear from the outset. Cli-
ents should not be able to seduce the practitioner into deviation from
established boundaries. Nor should the practitioner offer a practice or
relationship that exceeds the agreed-upon boundaries, even when it
seems that both client and practitioner want to do this.
Understand the potential for harm
When clients and therapists become involved in relationships that

exceed established boundaries, there is a great potential for harm.
The relationship between erotic massage practitioner and vulnera-
ble client is characterized by a power dynamic. The client is the stu-
dent and the practitioner is the teacher. Clients present erotic wounds,
and the practitioner applies a balm. Clients share secrets about sex-
188
ual desires, practices, and injuries, and the practitioner guides them
on their journey to sexual wholeness. Clients look to the practitioner
for learning, healing, guidance, understanding and acknowledgement.
Within this unequal power dynamic, there is an exceptional degree of
vulnerability and trust.
The potential for harm is clear in research investigating sexual re-
lationships within other therapeutic modalities. “Therapist-patient
sex syndrome” is one name for a host of issues that arise in people
who become involved in sexual relationships with treating therapists.
Symptoms include feelings of guilt, ambivalence, isolation and empti-
ness, difficulty trusting, cognitive dysfunction, suppressed rage, sexual
confusion, increased suicidal risk and emotional lability. Pope and Vet-
ter found that 90% of patients in their study were harmed by sex with
a therapist; and that of those harmed, only 17% ever recovered fully.
Masters and Johnson, early researchers of sexual relationships be-
tween therapists and their clients, found the harmful consequences so
striking they advocated that the therapist involved should face crimi-
nal charges of rape, “regardless of whether the seduction was initiated
by the patient or the therapist.”
Harm to the client usually unfolds in secret, unshared with the
therapist, who often imagines that the sexual intimacy is “helping”
their client.
Clients of erotic massage practitioners are in danger of project-
ing their erotic well-being onto the practitioner, and depleting their
sense of self-worth and personal agency in this process. The process
of projection and transference can be a powerful aspect of healing and
growth as the client works, with practitioner support, on “taking back”
their projections. When this process is interrupted by a sexual rela-
tionship, no matter how much mutual enjoyment each person seems
to be having at the time, there is a grave potential for harm.
Refrain from Exploitation
Practitioners must refrain from exploiting clients for personal ad-
189
vantage, whether physical, sexual, emotional, financial, or for any other

reason. Practitioners are likely exploiting client vulnerabilities if they
find themselves spending session time telling their own stories, taking
loans or financial gifts from clients, considering clients as equivalent to
“friends,” or developing romantic or sexual relationships with clients.
Maintaining personal autonomy and professional distance are the best
ways to support your client in integrating the healing and growth they
can achieve through your sessions.
Understand the paradigm of romance and

relationship
The paradigm of romance and relationship is the only paradigm

in which sexual expression is welcomed and celebrated in the world
around us. As we meet our clients in the genital matrix of body, mind,
spirit and emotion, we may touch them more deeply than they have
ever been touched before. It is quite likely that some of our clients will
“fall in love.” The sharing of deep emotion can be honored and celebrat-
ed, but only within the clear and safe container of the therapeutic and
educational relationship you have established.
Avoid shaming a client’s desires
We can create a welcoming environment for the expression of de-

sires and boundaries. When a client asks for more than you offer, you
can celebrate their desire while affirming your personal boundaries.
Often this is a “teachable moment” in which clients can learn to differ-
entiate between what they want, and what they want you to want. They
can learn to feel gratitude for a “no” that gives them clear direction.
Practitioners can also model healthy boundary-setting by refusing
to work with clients who are disrespectful, who repeatedly challenge
boundaries, or who physically violate their space.
190
Avoid dual relationships
The concept of “dual relationships” refers to the blending of a pro-

fessional relationship with another potentially incompatible role. Pro-
fessional erotic massage practitioners should avoid any diagnosis and
treatment of romantic partners, family members and close friends.
Erotic massage practitioners may have other professional roles in
which they offer different forms of sexual interaction between them-
selves and a client. Transitions between seeing the client in one role
and then another should be carefully managed with discrete intakes
and full awareness of the potential for harm discussed above. In many
cases it is best to refer the client to another practioner.
Represent honestly the benefits and limitations of

treatment
It is important that erotic massage practitioners only provide treat-

ment within the scope of their competencies. Recommend a client see
an appropriately qualified practitioner when you recognize a condition
that is beyond the scope of your practice and ability.
Right to Privacy
Clients may share secrets about their sexual history, practices and
desires that make them very vulnerable. We need to maintain com-
plete confidentiality at all times. Never discuss a client or a session in
a way that makes the client identifiable, even during peer or mentor
supervision.
Keep your records secure and private. I suggest that clients may
want to use only first names or pseudonyms when completing an in-
take form. Practice within relevant laws governing privacy and confi-
dentiality of personal health information in your area.
191
Maintain Continuing Competency
Peer and mentor supervision and ongoing education are important

elements of maintaining continuing competency, as we manage the
challenges and opportunities of professional practice.
Don’t Mix Bodily Fluids!
I would like to think this could “go without saying,” but I have just
spoken with a Tantra teacher who regularly mixes bodily fluids with
clients. He claims to believe people are impervious to STIs when they
are not operating with fear, guilt or shame. I have met several women
who were subjected to STIs from such “sexual healers.”
Always be careful to wash hands and lube bottles scrupulously be-
tween clients. Herpes and HPV can be transmitted from hands or
dirty bottles to the genitals of a new client.
Resources
Betty Martin, “Like a Pro” workshops for erotic professionals
References
Pope, K. “Sex Between Therapists and Clients,” Encyclopedia of Women and
Gender: Sex Similarities and Differences and the Impact of Society on Gender
(pages 955-962; vol. 2) edited by Judith Worell and published by Aca-
demic Press, October, 2001. Retrieved online May, 22, 2014.
Pope, K. and Vasquez, M. Ethics in Psychotherapy and Counseling: A Practical
Guide (4th edition), 2011, John Wiley & Sons
Pope, K. and Vetter, V. “Prior Therapist-Patient Sexual Involvement Among
Patients Seen by Psychologists” Psychotherapy, vol. 28, #3, pages 429-438.
192
App e n d i x : E r o t i c M a ss a g e S t r o k e s
APPENDIX: EROTIC MASSAGE

STROKES
M y students consistently request and appreciate lists

of different massage strokes that can be used when pleasuring
breasts, vulvas, penises and anuses. I offer these lists on the following
pages, with this caution: we are touching human souls, not body parts.
Yes, it is important to have a good toolbox and to build proficiency
with a range of options. But no quantity of techniques will ever replace
communication and observation, every time, with each person that we
touch.
Breast Massage Strokes

Massage shoulders, arms, pectoral muscles
Feathering, breastbone across chest
Brushing sides, hand over hand
Approaching the Breasts

Cupping, holding
Vibrate the breasts
Heart circles, reverse direction
193
Spirals, circles, brushing

Palm stroking
Around the clock stroking, outside to center (fingers then palms)
Nipple Play
Brushing
Circling
Rolling
Plucking
Featherlight Plucking
Pinching
Clothespins, tit clamps
How they like it
Grounding and Ending

Cupping and holding
Sharing and integrating
194
Vulva Massage Strokes
Figure 22. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.

Spiral palms over belly
Inner thighs and Inguinal Crease
Over Ovaries
Womb Warmer
The Vulva
Heart/Vulva Palm Rest
Vibrate the Vulva
Whole hand circles and pulses
Vulva Petting (up and down)
Tug on Pubic Hair
Open her Blossom and Blow
Tapping: vulva, glans, U-spot
195
Outer Labia Massage

Inner Labia Massage
Drumming
Triple Digit Vulva Pet
Clitoral Legs Shiatsu
Vestibular bulbs press and circle
Perineum press
The Clitoral Shaft and Glans

Gentle touch and tickle
Pinch, pull and roll the shaft.
Pulse and glide along shaft, engage the glans
Featherlight glans massage
Around the clit clock
Scissors
Tour de France
Three-finger circles
Simultaneous clitoral, vaginal and anal stimulation
As she likes it
Internal Massage (ONLY with an enthusiastic invitation!

Keep pleasuring her externally as you explore.)
Waiting at the Gate
Entering the Temple to Pray
Four Directions
Pelvic Opening Massage (Slow, Clock Face)
Perineal Sponge
G-Spot / Urethral Sponge
Pulses
A-Spot, P-Spot, Cervix
Thrusting, screwing
More fingers? A whole hand?
Stillness
196
The Vibrator
Vibrate the Chakras
Vibrate Clitoral Glans
Pulses
Vibrate Vaginal opening
Spreading The Energy

Down her legs, and up her torso, encourage her breath

Cupping and holding
197
Penis Massage Strokes
Figure 23. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.

Spiral palms over belly
Inner thighs and inguinal crease
Holding, exploring aliveness
Brushing
Balls and Perineum

Touch the root
Core vibrations
3rd eye Activation
198
Scrotal Massage
Raphe
Inner Cock Honoring
Foreskin
Gentle Stretch and Tickle
Through the foreskin
Peek a Boo
Under the Hood
Scar Tissue Honoring
Shaft and Glans

Awakening Pressure
Integrative Strokes – Round the Clock
Frenulum Massage – palm and thumb circles, flat palm, glide
Glans Massage
Shuttlecock – flick back and forth
Cock Cradling – one hand each side
Birdcage – with fingers around glans
North and South – stroke both directions
Heart-Genital Connection
Hold and Vibrate.
Healing Stroke. Cup testicles, stroke from genitals to heart
Belly Bliss. Heel of hand on frenulum, fingertips on the belly.
High Friction Strokes

Corkscrew
Make Fire
Milking
Cock Tease
Best if Erect
Shake the Base
199
Hand Jive
Perpetual Penetration
Spreading The Energy

Down his legs, and up his torso, encourage his breath

Cupping and holding
200
Anal Massage Strokes
Figure 24. Anus and Rectum, showing Prostate Gland. Drawing by S. Murali
Shanmugam with Caffyn Jesse.
Positions (take care not to mix anal and vaginal juices)

Butt up
On stomach
On side with knee pulled up
Face to face (for greater intimacy and easy stimulation of both gen-
itals and anus)
201
Butt Cheeks
Whole body stroking (thighs, lower back, butt cheeks)
Ass kneading, compression, spanking, tapping, rubbing, stroking,
squeezing together, stretching apart, rocking
Hold Sitz Bones
Hold cheeks
Hold hand in crack
Spider
Glides (Lots of lube)

Caress into crack with the side of your hand
Add vibration to the glide
Hand over hand glide
Different speeds
Forearm glide
Gliding thumb/finger/fingers across asshole
Asshole
Finger Pulses
Circle the sphincter
Paddle Thumbs
Knuckle – vibrate, use one knuckle to visit sphincter
Pulses – with no intention of entering
1, 2, 3 fingers pulsing
Add vibrations, shakes and circles to pulses
Elbow press
Entering ONLY with an enthusiastic invitation and LOTS of lube!

Waiting at the Gate – let them draw you in
Stretching – side to side, up and down
Pelvic Opening Massage (Clock Face)
Going in so slowly (keep vibrating and gliding at the entrance)
202
Deeper Pleasures
Stretching, circles
Feel into the muscles of the pelvic floor
Pulses, vibrations, circles, stretching, see where asshole takes you
Men: Prostate massage, circles, pulses, sulcus, milking
Women: Perineal sponge, P-Spot
Combine with genital massage

Go out as slowly as you went in.
Cupping and holding.
203

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Intimacy Educator

Teaching Through Touch

Designed by Mark Hand.

Accessing Full Embodiment.................................................... 29

Orgasm Coaching for Women................................................. 69

Approaches to Vulva Touch..................................................... 85

Touching Men...................................................................... 105

Orgasm Coaching for Men.................................................... 115

Approaches to Touching Penises............................................ 123

Touching Gender.................................................................. 133

Healing Painful Sex............................................................... 153

Soft Restraint and

Communal Erotic Experience................................................ 171

Ecstatic Embodiment............................................................ 175

Professional Ethics and Boundaries....................................... 187

Appendix: Erotic Massage Strokes......................................... 193

Figure 16. Male external genitalia.......................................................................................108

Figure 19. Male pelvic innervation......................................................................................120

T his book began as a textbook for my “Intimacy Education”

My clients and students have taught me so much, and their courage,

T ears poured down my cheeks as I told Marianna, “I just want

was ready. I felt the erotic energy streaming in.

unadventurous to begin with, and eventually dwindled into nothing-

my erotic capacity in a conventional sexual relationship. I needed the

E rotic massage can be an arena of profound healing from the

The three-legged stool of sexual healing

Clients who have experienced sexual trauma need space to safely

Learning to Choose Pleasure

It sounds funny, but we often need to learn to choose pleasure. Suf-

amorphous as what we want, but we can practice choosing pleasure

Empowering Choice and Voice

Sexual Healing through Bodywork

Do people really heal and learn through the experience of erotic

Healing our Relationship with Sexual Energy

Erotic massage contradicts moral and cultural proscriptions and

“My dear Caffyn,

ACCESSING FULL EMBODIMENT

Table 1. Embodiment tools

Breath calms the Learning to Using mindful Setting intentions

Breath as the giving voice to expressing building the

Breath is an aspect of awakening body, mind, spirit and emotions,

way. Breath is an inner lover, bringing pleasure and renewal to every

Sound is another aspect of awakening body, mind, spirit and emo-

Encouraging movement is one of the most important and ne-

to endure whatever is offered while grasping scraps of pleasure. Erotic

en desire. By inviting the imagination to unfold without judgment or

Mindful Erotic Practice

As Joseph Kramer often reminds his students, with erotic massage

Think of the whole body as an erogenous zone.

Use Your Imagination and Pay Attention to Subtle Sensations

Give Acceptance and Approval to Every Sensation

Exercises for Accessing Full Embodiment

Exercise 1: Prana Pump with the Pelvic Diaphragm

become distributed through the entire body.

Figure 2. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, female. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam

Figure 3. Muscles of the pelvic diaphragm, male. Drawing by S. Murali Shanmugam

Exercise 2: Wand of Light

Exercise 3: Catch Fire

Exercise 4: The Microcosmic Orbit