Developing Assertive Skills

by
Enhancing Character
 Developing Assertive skills by
enhancing character
Can we become assertive without enhancing
our Character?
In reality, assertiveness/confidence is not a
personality trait…it’s a character trait.
Modeling or Behavior Modeling:
We learn behavior through observation and
imitation.
Anyone can look at the behaviors of another
person and imitate them for a time or under
certain conditions. This is one of the primary
techniques of NLP Training.
DEVELOPING ASSERTIVE SKILLS

Assertiveness and self confidence are

intrapersonal skills where as communication
skills, leadership skills etc are interpersonal
skills.
Before attempting to learn these skills let us
know about the following:
 Development of our Self-Image
Self-concept: all the elements that make up a
person's view of himself, including self-image.
Self-concept is composed of two key parts:
PERSONAL IDENTITY and SOCIAL IDENTITY

PERSONAL IDENTITY - personality traits and other

characteristics that make each person unique.

SOCIAL IDENTITY includes the groups we belong

to including our community, religion, college, and
other groups.
Development of our Self-Image
Self-image: the self is what a person
believes himself to be
Objective assessment of oneself or the
assessment of others
People might have an inflated self-image
or negative self-image
Development of our Self-Image
Self Esteem- it is your opinion of yourself.
HIGH SELF ESTEEM is a good opinion of
yourself
LOW SELF ESTEEM is a bad opinion of you.
Self esteem is crucial and is a cornerstone of
a positive attitude towards living.
A number of different factors can impact self-
esteem, including how we compare ourselves
to others and how others respond to us.
Development of our Self-Image
Social Comparison:
It refers to the process by which individuals
evaluate their thoughts, feelings, behavior, and
abilities in relation to other people.
Significant Others:
The important people in our lives convey
messages about us that we interpret as
important. From all this information, we construct
a mental “blueprint” of who we are and what we
are capable of.
Development of our Self-Image
Ideal self - how you wish you could be. In
many cases, the way we see ourselves and
how we would like to see ourselves do not
quite match up.
Congruence and Incongruence- If self-
concepts are not perfectly aligned with reality,
it is incongruence.
Often it results when parents place conditions
on their affection for their children
Unconditional love helps to foster
congruence.
When are you a confident person?
Doing what you believe to be right, even if others
mock or criticize you for it.
Being willing to take risks and go the extra mile
to achieve better things.
Admitting your mistakes and vowing to learn
from them.
Waiting for others to congratulate you on your
accomplishments. Accepting compliments
graciously.
Assertive Communication is communication that
is Direct, Honest, confident and Respectful.
 Communication Styles based on
Assertiveness
Communication Style Behavior Style
Aggressive personality (Unacceptable Bevavior)

Assertive Personality (Confident and honest behavior or

communication style)

Passive Personality (Indecisive or Submissive

Behavior)

Passive – Aggressive Personality (Manipulative)

 Characteristics of Assertive and other
Communication Styles
Assertive Aggressive Passive
Appearance Relaxed Tense Apprehensive
Posture Upright Domineering Collapsed
Eye contact Direct Staring Minimal
Facial expression Responsive Taut Fawning
Hands Relaxed Agitated Limp
Voice Confident Strident Hesitant
efficient argumentative Timid
honest macho apologetic
critical critical indecisive
indecisive
impatient
 Situations resulting from interactions between
the 4 Communication styles:
1. Win – Win situation (workable compromise) or
NO DEAL - Interaction between two Assertive persons
leads to this situation
NO DEAL – in this case, both parties win or both will
not lose. e.g. Bargaining in interview process
2. Win – Lose: Interaction between aggressive and
passive person leads to this situation; in this case,
aggressive person wins and passive person loses and
gets frustrated.
Eg- A weak colleague will be dumped with work by an
aggressive colleague
Situations resulting from interactions between the 4
Communication styles

3. Lose – Lose: Interaction between two Aggressive

persons or parties Eg- Factionists keep murdering their
opponents and keep losing their own kin.
Also interaction between two passive persons leads to a
Lose – Lose situation; both parties do not know how to
handle the issue
4. Lose – Win Interaction between a passive person and
an aggressive person leads to this situation as the
passive person yields to an aggressive person .
Situations resulting from interactions between the 4
Communication styles:

5. An assertive person when interacting

with a group chooses Win – Win stand or
6. when he is in a contest he chooses Win
stand in that he doesn’t want to personally
harm any body’s chances but wants only
to prove his abilities and become useful to
the chosen task.
Assertiveness is the ability to express
yourself and your rights without violating
the rights of others.
Assertiveness is both a skill and a way of life.
Being assertive does not mean you do not care
about the needs and wants of others, or are only
interested in pursuing personal gain.
Assertiveness is a way of communicating and
behaving that sends a clear signal to others that
you will not be manipulated or bullied into
submission, or the betrayal of your beliefs or
personal goals.
 Mechanics of developing Assertiveness
Assertive communication is honest and MORALLY right.
Morals are rules and codes about what is right and
what is wrong that are prescribed by religion, society
and Organizations. E.g. – ball tampering in cricket.
Immoral means - a person doing lot of things that are
not morally acceptable(In spite of being aware of
morals).
Amoral means – a person who does not know the
difference between morally right and wrong.
Our elders, society, media etc wrongly programmed
us that one can become successful only when he is
aggressive, immoral or by breaching the codes of
moral conduct.
Mechanics of developing Assertive Skills
One can enhance his character by the following sequence

Consistent efforts to know what is right (morals)

Consistent efforts to do what is right
(enhancing character)
Increasing self image by doing right things
Increasing self esteem by doing right things
Increasing self confidence by
increasing self esteem
Increasing assertiveness
through increased confidence levels
Increased assertiveness improves performance
(enhancing personality through acceptable behavior)
Improved behavior increases success rate
 Assertiveness Techniques
1. Broken Record or repeated assertion
Calmly and coolly repeating your opinion
E.g. when a sales hawker bothers you to buy something
from him, just keep on saying “No thanks”
2. Fogging
If people are behaving in a manipulative or aggressive way.
Fogging involves agreeing with any truth that may be
contained within statements, even if critical. By not
responding in the expected way, in other words by being
defensive or argumentative, the other person will cease
confrontation as the desired effect is not being achieved.
Fogging is so termed because the individual acts like a 'wall
of fog' into which arguments are thrown, but not returned.
 2. Fogging
Example:
“What time do you call this? You're nearly half an hour late; I'm fed
up with you letting me down all the time.”
Fogging response:
“Yes, I am later than I hoped to be and I can see this has
annoyed you.”
“Annoyed? Of course I'm annoyed, this has left me waiting for
ages. You really should try to think about other people a bit more.”
Fogging response:
“Yes, I was concerned that you would be left waiting for almost
half an hour.”
“Well... why were you late?”
Or in simple words, acknowledge other person’s opinion
E.g. why did you come late? – Yes, I am coming a little bit late
today!
 3. Positive and Negative Enquiry
Positive Enquiry:
Positive enquiry is a simple technique for handling
positive comments such as praise and compliments.
People often struggle with responding to praise and
compliments, especially those with lower self-esteem as
they may feel inadequate or that the positive comments
are not justified.
Example Situation
A - “You made an excellent meal tonight, it was
delicious!”
B - “Thanks. Yes, it was good. What did you like about it
in particular?”
This is different from a passive response that may have
been:
"It was no effort" or "It was just a standard recipe"
3. Positive and Negative Enquiry
Negative Enquiry:
Negative enquiry is a way to respond to more
negative exchanges such as receiving criticism.
A - “That meal was practically inedible, I can't remember
the last time I ate something so awful”
B - “It wasn't the best, exactly what didn’t you like about
it?”
This is different from a aggressive response that may
have been:
"How dare you, I spent all afternoon preparing that meal"
or "Well that's the last time I cook for you"
To be precise simply ask the questions and put the other
person in defensive as he has to answer to your
questions instead of you answering to his questions.
E.g. What is the problem you found in this? Why are you
thinking so? Are you sure?
 4. Negative Assertion

4. Negative Assertion
This is used only when you have made an error.
Negative Assertion involves clear admission of any
mistake but you clearly separate the fact that an error
has been made from any implication that you are a bad
person or incompetent etc.
E.g. “Yes, you are right, I shouldn’t have done it “– so
that the other person is disarmed (he cannot argue with
you as you have already agreed – this can be used to
avoid useless arguments and potential conflicts)
 5. Workable compromise

Arriving at a mutually beneficial

proposition (Win-Win situation). When
your self-respect is not in question you can
offer a workable compromise.
E.g. Mutually beneficial business deals,
mutually agreeing for an amicable
solution; in journeys, co-passengers would
share newspapers, food, berths etc.
 6. Self Disclosure
Disclose personal information to support
your stand
E.g. I regret to inform you that I cannot
accept the transfer as I have to take care
of my aged parents in this town, this is the
middle of the year I cannot disturb the
studies of my children, my wife is also
working and she has to apply for a transfer
which takes some time to
materialize…………
 7. Free Information
Free Information - Learn to listen to the other person and
follow-up on free information people offer about
themselves.
This free information gives you something to talk about.
This is also similar to self disclosure but differs in a way
that here you are not giving personal information but you
are taking information
E.g. As you have said Kashmir is trouble torn, law and
order is in shambles, and education system is not so
good, terrorist stricken, too far off from my native place
and I have to shuttle to my native place to take care of
my parents, I cannot accept the transfer.