9 - Assertiveness - Workbook - The Assertiveness Workbook

INTRODUCTION
BEING THERE
Two kinds of people pick up books on assertiveness. Some want to polish their
image. They have a face they present to the world, and sometimes it cracks.
Sometimes the mask falls off. Sometimes people see through it. They want to
learn how to hold the mask more firmly, how to present it more rigidly, how to
prevent others from seeing them so easily. They have rejected themselves, and
they have decided that they want to preserve the personality (or lack of it) that
they display to the world. Often they want to learn how to control others more
effectively. How to push others to agree with them, see their way of doing
things, do it their way.
Some of the skills in this book may help these people in their quest. But
the book isn’t written for them. At least, it’s not written to help them in the way
they want to be helped.
Assertiveness isn’t about building a good disguise. It’s about developing
the courage to take the disguise off. It’s designed to help the other group of
people. The ones who have already tried wearing a mask and have found they
can’t breathe very well with it on. They want to go out into the world naked-
faced, as themselves, but not defenseless. They want to be themselves in a way
that doesn’t push others off-stage. In a way that invites the people they meet to
be more fully themselves too.
Assertiveness, then, is about being there.
Many people in today’s society fear conflict and criticism. They believe
that in any conflict they would lose and that any criticism would crush them.
They feel that they have no right to impose their views—or for that matter,
themselves—on the world. They have been trained from childhood to believe
that their role is to accept and live up to the standards that other people
impose. Being visible, being flawed, holding opinions, or having wishes of their
own all leave them open to attack.
2 The Assertiveness Workbook
Is this you?
The solution is to be invisible. To offer no opinion until others have done
so, and then only to agree. To go along with any request. To impose no
boundaries or barriers. To prevent yourself from ever saying “no.” To give up
on directing your own life. To pacify those who might disapprove of you. To
hide your ideas, your dreams, your wishes, and your emotions. To dress, act,
and live in order to blend into the background and disappear. To exist not so
much as a person, but as a mirror for other people: reflecting back their ideas,
their wishes, their expectations, their hopes, and their goals. To reflect and
thereby vanish. Anything to keep yourself from really being there.
Unfortunately, this solution does not really work. Humans are not meant
to be invisible, nor to live as reflections of the lives of others. Extinguishing the
self is not an option. It leads to greater fear, more helplessness, sharper resent-
ment, and deeper depression.
Other people see life as little more than a competition. If they are not to
become invisible themselves, then others will have to be invisible. There is no
choice. Their views must be accepted. Their wishes must be honored. Their way
must be everyone’s way. And should anyone not give in, the anger will flow.
The issue will be forced, and the wishes, hopes, and desires of others will be
ignored or trampled. To be there, other people (with their inconvenient attitudes
and opinions) will have to be absent.
Is this you?
The competitive approach doesn’t work either. The anger is never really
satisfied. When others give in, it is never joyfully. And they begin drifting away
to the exits, leaving the angry person alone to resent the desertion. The effort to
control others makes life uncontrollable.
The real solution? To be there. Not to be perfect. To expose our flaws, our
irrational emotions and opinions, our strange preferences, our incomprehensi-
ble dreams, our unaccountable tastes, and our all-too-human selves to others.
To be there. Not so that others will bow down to us or hide themselves from us,
but in a way that invites others to be there as well. A way that acknowledges
the right of everyone to be every bit as irrational, flawed, and human as we are.
Assertiveness is all about being there.
In this workbook you will learn about many of the basic skills and ideas
involved in being more fully present in your world and your life. Many of these
skills you already know. Some may be new. Bringing them into your life will
take practice and effort.
Ready?
Don’t Read This Book

Perhaps you are wondering what good reading this book will do you. Let’s end
the suspense early. Not much. Perhaps you will learn more about assertiveness.
You may recognize assertive strategies in others more readily. You may become
more able to classify your own behavior as assertive or otherwise.
And neither your behavior nor your life will change.
Take a minute to think. What are you doing here? Why are you holding
this book in your hand? If it is to understand more about assertiveness, then by
all means read on. And just read. That’ll be enough.
Being There 3
But perhaps you are dissatisfied with your way of dealing with people.
Perhaps something holds you back from being yourself with others; from
expressing your opinions, desires, or expectations; from setting boundaries that
you can defend. Or perhaps it is hard for you to tolerate differences in others or
to hold back from trying to control them. Maybe you find yourself over-
whelmed by fear, anger, frustration, or despair when you have to deal with
some of the most important people in your life.
If this sounds more like it, then don’t read this book. Reading won’t be
enough. Throughout the book you will find a series of self-assessments, short
writing exercises, and practice suggestions. Stop. Find a pen. Do the work.
Carry out the practice exercises. Doing so will involve a greater investment on
your part, but it will almost certainly generate a much greater return.
If being more assertive is important to you, it will have to be a high prior-
ity in your life. Is this the time for it? Are you able—and willing—to spend the
time that it may take to change your style? If not, then maybe you should put
this book on your “To Read” shelf and wait until you’re really ready. You’ll get
to it. Sooner or later, your life will convince you that you need to be able to
stand up for yourself, to be yourself, and to do so in a way that invites others to
be themselves as well.
Does Anyone Else Want to

Work with You?
You may be reading this book as part of an assertiveness training group. If
not, don’t worry. You will still be able to carry out most of the exercises and
suggestions. You may wish, though, to see if anyone wants to work on this
material with you. That way you can practice some of the techniques together.
The feedback you give each other can be invaluable. It’s always easier to learn
these skills in practice sessions before you try them out in real life. Fake insults,
for example, are a lot easier to handle than the real thing.
If you don’t know anyone who wants to work on their own assertiveness,
maybe you know someone who would still be willing to help you out with the
exercises. Maybe asking them will be your first assignment for yourself. You
may be surprised how agreeable they’d be. After all, you’ll be practicing with
them anyway—whether they know it or not.
Using Yourself as a Partner

One of the best sources of feedback you can have is yourself. Whether or
not you are working with someone else, recruit yourself as a partner. Carry out
some of the exercises in front of a mirror. Yes, that includes talking to yourself
as though you were speaking to someone else. Although it’s hard to be objec-
tive with ourselves, mirror practice can be a helpful way of evaluating how you
come across. As you watch your performance, try to forget that you are looking
at yourself. Imagine that it’s someone else talking to you. How would you
react?
Tape recorders and video cameras can also be immensely helpful. You can
record your practice sessions and play them back. Then you can concentrate on

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INTRODUCTION

Don’t Read This Book

Does Anyone Else Want to

Using Yourself as a Partner

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