ASSERTIVENESS

Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better

Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people's rights in a calm and
positive way, without being either aggressive, or passively accepting 'wrong'.

Assertiveness can help you control stress and anger and improve coping skills.
Recognize and learn assertive behavior and communication.
Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you
express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also
respecting the rights and beliefs of others.
Being assertive can also help boost your self-esteem and earn others' respect. This
can help with stress management, especially if you tend to take on too many
responsibilities because you have a hard time saying no.
Some people seem to be naturally assertive. But if you're not one of them, you can
learn to be more assertive.

Why assertive communication makes sense

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic
communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself because
you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings.
It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to
work on resolving conflicts.
Of course, it's not just what you say — your message — but also how you say it
that's important. Assertive communication is direct and respectful. Being assertive
gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message. If you
communicate in a way that's too passive or too aggressive, your message may get
lost because people are too busy reacting to your delivery.

Assertive vs. passive behavior

If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. You may
routinely say things such as "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You
tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending
is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In
essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your
wants and needs.
Consider this example: You say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a
project, even though your plate is full, and the extra work means you'll have to
work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Your intention may be to
keep the peace. But always saying yes can poison your relationships. And worse, it
may cause you internal conflict because your needs and those of your family
always come second.
The internal conflict that can be created by passive behavior can lead to:

 Stress
 Resentment
 Seething anger
 Feelings of victimization
 Desire to exact revenge
Assertive vs. aggressive behavior
Now consider the flip side. If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a
bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear
self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others
and may even be physically threatening.
You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes
at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to
resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you.

Assertive vs. passive-aggressive behavior

Now consider passive-aggressive behavior. If you communicate in a passive-
aggressive manner, you may say yes when you want to say no. You may be
sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. Rather than confront an
issue directly, you may show your anger and feelings through your actions or
negative attitude. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because
you're uncomfortable being direct about your needs and feelings.
What are the drawbacks of a passive-aggressive communication style? Over time,
passive-aggressive behavior damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect,
thus making it difficult for you to get your goals and needs met.

The benefits of being assertive

Being assertive is usually viewed as a healthier communication style. Being
assertive offers many benefits. It helps you keep people from walking all over you.
It can also help you from steamrolling others.
Behaving assertively can help you:
 Gain self-confidence and self-esteem
 Understand and recognize your feelings
 Earn respect from others
 Improve communication
 Create win-win situations
 Improve your decision-making skills
 Create honest relationships
 Gain more job satisfaction

Learning to be more assertive can also help you effectively express your feelings
when communicating with others about issues.

Learning to be more assertive

People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences.
Your style may be so ingrained that you're not even aware of what it is. People
tend to stick to the same communication style over time. But if you want to change
your communication style, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more
effective ways.
Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:

 Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say
yes to additional work even when your plate is full? Are you quick to judge or
blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style
before you begin making changes.

Use 'I' statements. Using "I" statements lets others know what you're thinking or
feeling without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than,
"You're wrong." If you have a request, say "I would like you to help with this"
rather than "You need to do this." Keep your requests simple and specific.

 Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying,
"No, I can't do that now." Don't hesitate — be direct. If an explanation is
appropriate, keep it brief.
 Rehearse what you want to say. If it's challenging to say what you want or
think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out
loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script.
Consider role-playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback.

 Use body language. Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you
aren't feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye
contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't cross your arms or
 legs. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or
colleague.

 Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry
or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal,
they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into
a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly.
Keep your voice even and firm.

 Start small. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For
instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a
difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach
as necessary.

 When you need help being assertive. Remember, learning to be assertive takes
time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more
assertive probably won't happen overnight. Or if anger leads you to be too
aggressive, you may need to learn some anger management techniques.

If despite your best efforts you're not making progress toward becoming more
assertive, consider formal assertiveness training. And if certain issues such as
anger, stress, anxiety or fear are getting in your way, consider talking with a
mental health provider. The payoff will be worth it. By becoming more assertive,
you can begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. You may even
find that you get more of what you want as a result.
How to Become More Assertive

It's not easy to become more assertive, but it is possible. So, if your disposition
tends to be more passive or aggressive, then it's a good idea to work on the
following areas to help you to get the balance right:

1. Value Yourself and Your Rights

To be more assertive, you need to gain a good understanding of yourself , as well

as a strong belief in your inherent value and your value to your organization and
team.
This self-belief is the basis of self-confidence and assertive behavior. It will help
you to recognize that you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, give you
the confidence to stick up for your rights and protect them, and remain true to
yourself , your wants and your needs.

Tip:
While self-confidence is an important aspect of assertiveness, it's crucial that you
make sure that it doesn't develop into a sense of self-importance. Your rights,
thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires are just as important as everyone else's, but
not more important than anyone else's.

2. Voice Your Needs and Wants Confidently

If you're going to perform to your full potential then you need to make sure that
your priorities – your needs and wants – are met.

Don't wait for someone else to recognize what you need. You might wait forever!
Take the initiative and start to identify the things that you want now. Then, set
goals so that you can achieve them.

Once you've done this, you can tell your boss or your colleague exactly what it is
that you need from them to help you to achieve these goals in a clear and confident
way. And don't forget to stick to your guns. Even if what you want isn't possible
right now, ask (politely) whether you can revisit your request in six months time.

Find ways to make requests that avoid sacrificing others' needs. Remember, you
want people to help you, and asking for things in an overly aggressive or pushy
way is likely to put them off doing this and may even damage your relationship.

3. Acknowledge That You Can't Control Other People's Behavior

Don't make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your
assertiveness. If they, for example, act angry or resentful toward you, try to avoid
reacting to them in the same way.

Remember that you can only control yourself and your own behavior, so do your
best to stay calm and measured if things get tense. As long as you are being
respectful and not violating someone else's needs, then you have the right to say or
do what you want.

4. Express Yourself in a Positive Way

It's important to say what's on your mind, even when you have a difficult or
negative issue to deal with. But you must do it constructively and sensitively.

Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and to confront people who challenge you
and/or your rights. You can even allow yourself to be angry! But remember to
control your emotions and to stay respectful at all times.

5. Be Open to Criticism and Compliments

Accept both positive and negative feedback graciously, humbly and positively.
If you don't agree with criticism that you receive then you need to be prepared to
say so, but without getting defensive or angry. The Feedback Matrix is a great
tool that can help you to see past your emotional reactions to feedback, and instead
use it to achieve significant, positive change.

6. Learn to Say "No"

Saying "No" is hard to do, especially when you're not used to doing it, but it's
vital if you want to become more assertive.
Knowing your own limits and how much work you are able to take on will help
you to manage your tasks more effectively, and to pinpoint any areas of your job
that make you feel as though you're being taken advantage of.
Remember that you can't possibly do everything or please everyone, so it's
important that you protect your time and your workload by saying "no" when
necessary. When you do have to say "no," try to find a win-win solution that
works for everyone.

7. Use Assertive Communication Techniques

There are a number of simple but effective communication techniques that you can
use to become more assertive. These are:
Use "I" Statements
Use "I want", "I need" or "I feel" to convey basic assertions and get your point
across firmly. For example, "I feel strongly that we need to bring in a third party to
mediate this disagreement."

Empathy
Always try to recognize and understand how the other person views the situation.
Then, after taking her point of view into consideration, express what you need
from her.
For example, "I understand that you're having trouble working with Arlene, but
this project needs to be completed by Friday. Let's all sit down and come up with a
plan together."

Escalation
If your first attempts at asserting yourself have been unsuccessful, then you may
need to escalate the matter further. This means becoming firmer (though still polite
and respectful) with the person who you are requesting help from, and may end in
you telling him what you will do next if you still aren't satisfied.

For example, "John, this is the third time this week I've had to speak to you about
arriving late. If you're late once more this month, I will activate the disciplinary
process."

However, remember that, regardless of the consequences that you communicate to

the person in question, you may still not get what you want in the end. If this is the
case, you may need to take further action by setting up a formal meeting to talk
about the problem, or escalating your concerns to Human Resources (HR) or your
boss.

Ask for More Time

Sometimes, it's best not to say anything. You might be too emotional or you might
not know what it is that you want yet.

If this is the case, be honest and tell the person that you need a few minutes to
compose your thoughts. For example, you might say "Dave, your request has
caught me off guard. I'll get back to you within the half hour."

Change Your Verbs

Try using verbs that are more definite and emphatic when you communicate. This
will help you to send a clear message and avoid "sugar-coating" your message so
much that people are left confused by what it is that you want from them.

To do this, use verbs like "will" instead of "could" or "should," "want" instead of
"need," or "choose to" instead of "have to."
For example:

"I will be going on vacation next week, so I will need someone to cover my
workload."
"I want to go on this training course because I believe that it will help me to
progress in my role and my career."
"I choose this option because I think it will prove to be more successful than the
other options on the table."

Be a Broken Record
Prepare the message that you want to convey ahead of time.

If, for instance, you can't take on any more work, be direct and say, "I cannot take
on any more projects right now." If people still don't get the message, then keep
restating your message using the same language, and don't relent. Eventually they
will likely realize that you really mean what you're saying.

For example:

"I'd like you to work on the Clancy project."

"I cannot take on any more projects right now."

"I'll pay extra for you to do it."

"I cannot take on any more projects right now."

"Seriously, this is really important. My boss insists that this gets done."

"I cannot take on any more projects right now."

"Will you do it as a personal favor?"

"I'm sorry, I value our relationship but I simply cannot take on any more projects
right now."

Tip:
Be careful with the broken record technique. If you use it to protect yourself from
exploitation, that's good. But if you use it to bully someone into taking action that's
against their interests, it can be manipulative and dishonest.

Scripting
It can often be hard to know how to put your feelings across clearly and
confidently to someone when you need to assert yourself. The scripting technique
can help here. It allows you to prepare what you want to say in advance, using a
four-pronged approach that describes:
1. The event. Tell the other person exactly how you see the situation or problem.
"Janine, the production costs this month are 23 percent higher than average.
You didn't give me any indication of this, which meant that I was completely
surprised by the news."

2. Your feelings. Describe how you feel about the situation and express your
emotions clearly.
"This frustrates me, and makes me feel like you don't understand or appreciate
how important financial controls are in the company."

3. Your needs. Tell the other person exactly what you need from her so that she
doesn't have to guess.
"I need you to be honest with me, and let me know when we start going
significantly over budget on anything."

4. The consequences. Describe the positive impact that your request will have for
the other person or the company if your needs are met successfully.
"If you do this we will be in a good position to hit our targets and may get a
better end-of-year bonus."

Key Points
Being assertive means finding the right balance between passivity (not assertive
enough) and aggression (angry or hostile behavior). It means having a strong sense
of yourself and your value, and acknowledging that you deserve to get what you
want. And it means standing up for yourself even in the most difficult situations.

What being assertive doesn't mean is acting in your own interest without
considering other people's rights, feelings, desires, or needs – that is aggression.

You can learn to be more assertive over time by identifying your needs and wants,
expressing them in a positive way, and learning to say "no" when you need to. You
can also use assertive communication techniques to help you to communicate your
thoughts and feelings firmly and directly.

It likely won't happen overnight but, by practising these techniques regularly, you
will slowly build up the confidence and self-belief that you need to become
assertive. You'll also likely find that you become more productive, efficient and
respected, too.