The Campfire Booklet: Downloaded From

The Campfire Booklet
This campfire booklet provides a short list of the many resources available to
make a successful campfire program. It contains Openings, Closings, Cheers
and Skits. It is compiled from a variety of sources all over, from books to the
Internet. Feel free to print it out and keep it close for quick reference at all your
camps.
Downloaded From:
Scoutscan.com
http://www.scoutscan.com/
1 The Campfire Booklet

Openings And Closings
Opening
This is my favourite campfire opening because it’s the easiest for me to
remember. But it’s effective. For this one, try to determine which ways are North,
South, East and West, then face each direction as you say it. Even if you don’t
know the correct directions, it’s still effective.
From the North

From the South
From the East and the West,
Let all the spirits of peace come and join us.
Closing
(Again on this one, face the direction that you mention.)
Our Spirit from the North

And our Spirit from the South have left;
Those from the East and the West have also withdrawn;
Now let us slumber quietly until the dawn.
Opening Campfire Activities
Beforehand, organize your program and write it out however you please
-- then roll it up and tie it to the end of a long string, say 15 feet long. Lay out the
string on the ground, out of the way from tripping feet, with the program on the far
end. Getting the attention of the crowd, ask, "I hope that there is a program for
this evening?" at which point, a pre-chosen participant ceremoniously responds,
"Yes, Skip, here it is." Skip pulls the string and in comes the program. Short and
cute. Vary your entries by folding the program and stuffing it in a film can
equipped with a parachute (and therefore from a distance, throw it in the air and
let it drop in.) Or present a sandwich with the program in it to Skip. By having a
few standard, easy to put together things (ie. always use the same string, film
canister and whatever else pre-made and kept in a small box or bag and carry it
with you, therefore always being able to choose the appropriate opening
depending on the location and the mood you want to set.
Rain in the forest

Everyone should be in a circle. The leader is in the center and goes around the
circle leading the participants. Participants should only begin the action lead by
the leader as he comes around to their spot -- if they are doing something
different from the leader (ie. after he’s changed actions), they should still
continue what they were doing until the leader comes around again to their
position and changes the action.

Actions
Rub hands (lightly)
2 fingers alternating tapping the palm of the hand
2 fingers tapping the palm of the hand together, a little harder
Lightly slap the knees
2 fingers tapping the palm of the hand together as above
2 fingers alternating tapping the palm of the hand
Rub hands (lightly)
Stop
Indian Stick Race

Here’s an easy one for when you have a lot of space around a campfire:
Take two or three easily distinguishable sticks of equal dimensions (perhaps
some 2x2 painted different colours at home) and get two or three people to race
around the fire while kicking the stick. First one around wins.
Jack’s Alive
Take a stick with the end glowing and pass it around the fire. Each participant is
to blow on the glowing ember to keep it going and says, "Jack’s Alive", and
passes it on. He or she who does not manage to keep it going must go up to the
front and be ceremonially marked with the charcoal end. It’s really a lot of fun and
becomes fast paced, particularly when the ember begins to die out.
The Listening Game

"This is the listening game. If you listen very carefully, you will know who it is."
This is the basic line you use. For every part of each word, point at someone and
continue. Vary what you say and the order in which you point at people, even
pointing at people in the crowd at random – a good aerobic workout! The person
who is it is the first person who speaks when the line is finished -- but of course
don’t tell anyone that. Those who catch on early can merely be the first to speak
and say "I know who it is," or make any other relevant or irrelevant comment. The
pointing at people completely fools them. Of course this is a game you can do
only once every few years, because until you have a complete turnover, the kids
all know how to determine who’s it, and it becomes boring fast if most people
know how the game works.
Crossed -- or uncrossed?
Pass two staves around the fire, one at a time. Passers may alternately pass
them crossed or uncrossed, but they say, when passing, "I received the staves
(crossed or uncrossed as applicable) and I pass them on (crossed or uncrossed
as applicable.)" To determine whether you say "crossed" or "uncrossed" depends
on whether A) when receiving, whether your passer’s legs is crossed or not, and
B) when passing, whether your legs, and not the staves, are crossed or
uncrossed. A person’s response has nothing to do with the crossing of the staves
-- reverse what you say but keep them the same, or vice-versa, depending on the
situation. Of course the random crossing and uncrossing (at least by those who

know how the games works,) fools people, and they try to keep track of first how
they received it and therefore directly applying crossed or uncrossed, then
reversing meanings, then other variations (such as perhaps counting the number
of times it switches back and forth and trying to apply an independant method?)
It’s also quite difficult to be discreet about crossing and uncrossing your legs -- it
can be very difficult to do. An alternative is to play exactly the same way but
whether you say crossed or uncrossed depends on whether or not YOUR legs
are crossed. Of course the need for discretion in crossing and uncrossing your
legs is greater, but it has to be obvious.
Rap Songs
Eric Turcotte needed a moment to straighten a thing or two out in the middle of a
campfire, so he asked each patrol on our Scout Part II to come up with a rap
song within the space of 2 minutes. Doubles as a way to delay/get extra time for
an upcoming event, and acts as its own event whether or not there is an alterior
motive.
The Alphabet Nursery Rhymes

Another idea from Eric. We would go through the alphabet as a whole sung to a
beat, then at the end of each rendition of the alphabet, a member of each patrol
was to sing out a verse from a well known nursery rhyme. Simple, but fun.
Story-Building
We often camp with a group of 3 families - parents & children aged 45 - 10.
Around the campfire we make-up limericks and play a story-game during the
S’more-making: One person starts a story like "There was a boy named Tom
who lived on a tropical island"... then the next person adds something and on and
on. Our only rule is that Andre Agassi is somehow in every story... okay, so it
gets a little strange! (note: The idea here is that you have the story game with a
rule that something or someone HAS to appear in the story, OR that something
that typically would be expected to appear in any such story MUST NOT appear
in the story.)
Campfire Cheers
Good Cheers
- Let’s give them a Big Hand! (Put your hand in the air)
- Let’s give them a Round of Applause! (Applaud in a circle or make a
circle and hit hands together)
- Is it a 4? (no!) 3? (no!) 2? (no!) 1? Yes! It’s Wonderful!
- Superrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Man!
- Seal of Approval (stretch out arms, clap and make quick seal barks)

Bad Cheers
- Peel a banana, then Splat! it with your hand

- 3 Chinese cheers (Phooey X 3)
- 3 Japanese cheers (Crap X 3)
- Watermelon cheer
- What happens when you sharpen a pencil too long? There’s no point!
- Big deal! (Deal cards)
- Is it a 1? (no!) 2? (no!) 3? (no!) 4? Yes! It’s for the birds!
- Ghost Cheer (Boooooooooooo!)
- Cookie Cheer (Crumby)
- One-handed Round of Applause (Shady -- fast sweeping motion with one arm)
- Guillotine (Creek! as pulling up -- Lock it -- cut rope -- Swish! Head rolls, # of
times done)
- Home Alone cheer (Slap your face lightly with both hands at the same time,
keep them there, then scream in "pain")
General Cheers
- Yaaaaaaaay! (in a circle)

- Ogy Ogy Ogy! (Oi Oi Oi!) X 2 Ogy! Oi! Ogy! Oi! Ogy Ogy Ogy! (Oi Oi Oi!)
- Firecracker (in a circle)
- Clap to a rhythm dictated by a head clapper
- The Mouse Clap (Clap only by opening & closing fingers together)
- Turtle Cheer (Pantomine a turtle coming out of shell, and say "oirrrrrrr")
- Penguin Cheer (move like a penguin)
- "Home Alone cheer" (hands to your face and scream "AAAAAAHHHHHH"
GREAT (Tony the Tiger cheer)

Leader starts quietly starting with GRRR and goes around circle to complete
word.
Ziggy
Ziggy, ziggy, hoy, hoy, hoy
Ziggy, ziggy, hoy, hoy, hoy
Watermelon
Take up watermelon in both hands, chomp up one way and spit out seeds, in a
Bronx cheer. (For those of you who are purists, the proper terminology is a ’bi-
labial fricative’.) Note: this cheer could be considered ’poor taste’.
Skyrocket
In pantomime, the group following the yell leader, plant imaginary rockets in the
ground, light a match (on seat of their pants) and apply it to the rocket fuse. As
the rocket rises, the group begins to whistle (softly at first and then louder) and

after a short pause, all shout BANG!
Flower cheer
Imitating a flower growing, you rise up slowly, pausing part way. You look
around, then quickly stand erect, yelling ’sprooooooong’.
Round of applause
You clap your hands while holding your arms straight and moving your hands
around in a wide circular motion.
Timber cheer
When you point to one half of the group, they yell, CHIP!
When you point to the other half, they yell, CHOP!
Then alternate CHIP! CHOP! CHIP! CHOP! faster and faster, ending with a loud
"TIMBER!"
Stomp and slap

When you raise your right hand, everyone stomps feet rapidly. When you raise
your left hand, everyone slaps thighs rapidly. When you raise both hands,
everyone stomps and slaps.
Rain clap
Everyone starts by tapping their right thumbs on the palms of their left hands to
represent the first few drops of rain. Then use two fingers, three fingers, four, five
and the palms of hands. Increase volume of clapping from soft to loud. Then in
reverse sequence back to thumbs on palms, as the rain passes.
Handkerchief Cheer
You throw a handkerchief into the air. While the handkerchief is in the air,
everyone applauds and cheers. They must stop the moment it touches the
ground. Vary lengths of cheer with high throws, low throws and no throws.
Balloon cheer
Pretending to blow a big balloon, you put your hands to your mouth and puff
laboriously. You spread your hands slowly apart at each puff, then fling your
arms out, yelling ’BANG’.
Ketchup cheer
Everyone makes a fist with their left hand and slaps the side of their fist with their
right hand, as if trying to coax ketchup from a bottle.
Six quick slaps and then the ketchup comes out in one big noised dolled:
Slap-skip-slap-slap-skip-slap-balloons!
Mosquito
Z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z
(Trace flight of mosquito with finger)
Clap hands once for the swat saying ’Gotcha’.

Zig-a-mala
In this yell, the leader shouts ZIG-A-Mala three times, each time increasing the
volume and each time the campers answer Z-E-E-E. After the third Z-E-E-E, the
leader throws up his hands, and all shout together, WHA.
Bouncing Ball
Using a golf ball (preferably) Have the group yell ’Pow’ every time the ball hits the
floor when dropped initially from an outstretched hand above the head, or thrown
up.
Be Prepared
Be Prepared, Be Prepared,
Shout it out, Shout it out.
Pioneer, Voyageur,
Pathfinder Scout !
Big Hand (For a ’Ho Hum’ Skit)

The cheer leader says: "Alright ! Let’s give that skit a Big Hand."
Upon which, everybody silently holds one hand, palm open, up in the air.
Boomalacka
Boomalacka, Boomalacka,
Bow-wow-wow.
Chingalacka, Chingalacka,
Chow-chow-chow.
Boomalcacka, Chingalacka,
WOW ! WOW ! WOW !
Bravo (For an excellent performance)

The cheer leader says: "That deserves a Bravo ! We’ll do this in a circle." He
then proceeds to have one end of the circle start with the ’BRR’ sound and
proceeds to point around the circle while they do the ’AVOOOO’ sound. The
sound level should rise as more of the circle comes in.
Bravo (For an excellent performance)

The cheer leader says: "That deserves a real cheer. Give me a ’B’ (and the group
responds with a resounding ’B’), give me an ’R’, etc. When all letters have been
called, "What have you got ?" (response to all: BRAVO !)
Buffalo Bonzo (For a ’corny’ skit)

Bonzo
Buffalo bonzo
Buffalo buffalo bonzo
Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo !

Bury it (When a skit has been seen too often)
Cheer leader: "I think we had better bury that skit. Alright, everybody stand up
and dig a big hole with your shovel (suitable grunting sounds and shovelling
actions), now throw the skit into the hole (thump) and cover it up (more shovelling
and grunting), now, jump on it to keep it in there. (Everybody jumps up and down
three times.)
Clam Cheer (For an ’O.K.’ to poor skit)

The cheer leader says: "O.K., do you know the sound a clam makes? Alright
then, put your hands together at the wrist and hold them away up in the air like
this (demonstrates). Now, move your hands together like a clam shell.
(Everybody moves curved hands open and closed five times.)
Thank you.
Fireworks (For a good performance)

One half of circle: Place the palm of your hand in front of your mouth and keep it
moving in a circular motion while hissing.
Second half of circle: Starting a couple of seconds after the first half, the rest of
the circle whistles down the scale. (Doh, Te, La, So, Fah, Me, Ray, Doh.)
When the whistlers get to the botom of the scale, everybody responds with a well
rounded Boom !. Repeat all and Boom twice, repeat all and Boom three times.
For Goodness Sake (For a really corny skit)

Cheer Leader: Give me an OFER !
Circle: OFER !
Circle: OFER !
Circle: OFER !
Cheer leader: What have we got ?
Circle: OH FER GOODNESS SAKE !
For the Birds (For a ’dumb’ skit)

Cheer Leader: That calls for a High Flying Cheer. Was it a ONE ?
Circle: NO !
Cheer Leader: Was it a TWO ?
Circle: NO !
Cheer Leader: Was it a THREE ?
Circle: NO !
Cheer Leader: Was it a FOUR ?
Circle: YES ! FOR THE BIRDS !
Good Heavens (For an unusual skit)

The Cheer Leader says: "Let’s give this something really GOOD. Repeat after
me."

Cheer Leader: Good.
Circle: Good.
Cheer Leader: Good
Circle: Good
Cheer Leader: Good Heavens ! What next ??
Circle: Good Heavens ! What next ??
Bird Watcher Cheer

Stand. Tuck hands under armpits, flap 3 times while doing the sound of your
favourite bird.
The Lone Range Applause

Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
To de dump, to de dump, to de dump, dump, dump...
Bikini Applause
Clap with only index fingers. That’s why we call it the bikini applause.
Because there’s nothing to it.
Relay Applause
Start at one side, have each row slap the hand of the person next to them, so on
down the line.
Misc
Match Applause... Pretend to light a match on the seat of your pants, say
Yeeoooooooww!!
Hankey approval... Drop hankey, applause only while hanky is in the air
Supersonic... Silently wave arms, open mouth as if cheering, wait several

moments, then yell loudly...
Round of applause... Clap in a circle
Give a big hand... Hold up hand
Ketchup bottle... slap back of other hand

Politician applause... pat your self on the back
Seal of approval... put elbows together, clap, and Arf Arf Arf
Cheese applause... Grate, grate, grate...
Leaky tire applause... HISS...
Cookie... Crumby, crumby, crumby...

Ghost applause... Boo...
Arizona applause... Yucca, yucca, yucca...
Oil refinery applause... Crude, crude, crude...
Good Turn Cheer... Stand up, trun around, and sit back down.
Rattlesnake Applause... Hisssssssssss...
Canned Laughter... Laugh when lid is removed from a can, and stop when lid is
closed.
Flea Clap... Applaud by clicking the nails of the thumb and finger together.
Doctor... Open mouth, stick out tongue, say Ahhhhhhhhh!
Hand and Foot... Applaud with striking hand on foot.

Mosquito... Rapidly slap face, neck, shoulders.
Slow Motion Applause... Cheer and applaud in slow motion.
The Uncoordinated Applause... Clap hands, but miss completely.
Balloon cheer
Pretending to blow a big balloon, you put your hands to your mouth and puff
laboriously. You spread your hands slowly apart at each puff, then fling your
arms out, yelling ’BANG’.
Bouncing Ball
Using a golf ball (preferably) Have the group yell ’Pow’ every time the ball hits the
floor when dropped initially from an outstretched hand above the head, or thrown
up.
107 Sample Skits
1. Peanuts (Judge or Building)

2. Ugliest Man in the World (or Bad Breath)
3. Is Captain Kidd Scared of Himself? (Yes, No One Else)
4. How Do I Do That? (Or Honourable Garbagemen Pick Up Garbage)
5. You’ve Broken the Rules! (Buddy Up!)
6. Karate Orientale (Gun From Sears Catalogue)
7. The Beer Commercial (But Sir! We’re Out of Film!)

8. The Dumb Actors (We’re the Cleaners!)
9. Pass the Pepper (Coloured Peppers & Toilet ’Pepper’)
10. The Bubble Gum on the Street (Dogs Peeing on it)
11. The Bubble Gum in the Studios (More Light Here)
12. Submarine Training (Raincoat & Pan of Water, in Storm)
13. The Olde Lighthouse (Rocks Holding It Up)
14. Is It Time Yet? (Switch Shoulders When Yes)
15. JC Penney (Great Boots, etc.)
16. Flora the Flea (But That’s Not Flora! or Applaud)
17. The Party Warehouse (Just Two Suckers on a Stick!)
18. The Statue Warehouse (Aquaman Spits Water)
19. The Greatest Spitter in the World (Round the World)
20. The Bigger Jerk (Lawnmower)
21. We Ain’t Got the Money for the Mortgage on the Farm
22. Peanuts in the Lake (Kid Can’t, All Else Do, Biodegradable)
23. Sounds of the Lost Scoutmaster (Where in the World Am I?)
24. The Highest Tree Climber in the World (400 Ft.)
25. The Post Office (Toilet Paper) / King’s Royal Paper
26. Super Clutz (Kid’s 25 Cents)
27. I Gotta Go Weee! (In the Middle of the Night)
28. The Inspection (Kids in Messy Uniforms)
29. 7 Jerks on the Line (Went Fishing, Talking on the Phone)
30. Damn! (Actors Act, Director Stops at Damn, at End Says Damn)
31. The Pilfered Warehouse (We Make Boxes!)
32. The Greyhound Bus (Shopper Gets Hit by a ‘Dog’)
33. Echo Point (Good Food at Camp... Baloney!)
34. There’s A Bear! Where? Over There! (He Fell Over)
35. Spring is Sprung! (Sap Running Through the Trees)
36. Nosebleed (I Don’t Know What These Guys Are Doing, But...)
37. Would You Hold My Box? (Dog Inside, Tastes Like Ice Cream)
38. Rise, Walk, and Kill, Igor (Bill Collectors)
39. The Viper (At Noon, Vere’s de Vindows?)
40. Granny! Wake Up! (Guys Under Blanket Give Sign on Rump)
41. You Don’t Say! (Who Was on the Phone? He Didn’t Say!)
42. Waiter! (Fly in Soup, in Ice Cream, Into Winter Sports)
43. Why Are You Late? (Dead Horse, Taxi, Car, Jogged)
44. Highest Jumper in the World (Can’t Move)
45. The New Car/Bike (4 Wheels Lose Air, Need Nut To Hold It Up)
46. A Talking Martian! (Horses Talking About Day on Track)
47. The Biggest Turkey (Small Things Big, Spit on Item Giver)
48. The Operation (Find Things Inside, But I’ve Got A Cold!)
49. The Well-Trained Elephant (Not Toilet Trained)
50. The Jump (All Bad News, Reporter Gets a Story)
51. Is a Train Passing Today? (Compass Points, No, They Cross)
52. Shut Up! (Are You Looking For Trouble? Yes, She’s Lost)
53. Food, Water & Mirror on the Sahara (Combing Hair)

54. You Need A Tie, Sir (Can’t Get Into Restaurant For Water)
55. A Hot Meal! (Guys Throw Up Or Taxi Driver Got 5 Course Meal)
56. Can You Do This? (Man With Exercises, Can’t (2 People))
57. 3 Priests in Crowded Heaven (Adam, Eve, That’s a Hard One)
58. Cub Shop (Uniform Bit by Bit, How Go To Cubs, No Uniform?)
59. We Hit! (Full Speed, Left, Right, Get Rid of Water in Sub)
60. The Infantry is Coming (Small Tree)
61. Keep Canada Beautiful Contest (Guy Combs Hair, Put in Trash)
62. Trimming the Christmas Tree (Is This Alright? (Stick))
63. Join the Army! (Teaches Karate, Judo, Hurts Himself)
64. Brain Shop (Someone in Crowd, Why so Much? Never Been Used)
65. Pet Shop (3 Rare Turtles Die, Why? Wanted Turtle Wax on Car)
66. The Pirate Family (Pirates Through the Ages, We Gave Cubs)
67. What’s 2+2? (Guy With Right Answer Killed, Knows Too Much)
68. The Ghost of Midnight (Shut Up, It’s Only 11:45)
69. What’s the Problem? (We Don’t Have a Skit!)
70. Did You Have V-8? (Punch No People, Old Lady Yes, Hits Him)
71. I’m Gonna Get You! (Robber Looking for Peanut Butter)
72. Good Soup! (Get Out of My Dishwater!)
73. News Flash! (2 Weeks Ago, The Other Day, Editor Gets Shot)
74. I’m Russian! (I’m Late and I’m Rushin Too!)
75. Have You Seen my Belly Button? (Ah There You Are, Bad Dog!)
76. Learning the Alphabet (Where’s the P? Running Down my Leg)
77. The New Badge (Different Designs, Likes Old Badge)
78. The Babies & Dads (From 2 Mountains, 3 Rivers, 1000 Islands)
79. Firing Squad (Looking for F-I-R-E in Crossword)
80. Jumbo Burgers (Special du Jour, Radio Says Elephant Dies)
81. Big Itch (People Take Bench, Scratch a Lot, Works Alla Time)
82. Learning English (Frenchman Buys Radio, Crackles in English)
83. Saloon (Brag About Courage, Gunfire, All Run Out)
84. The Wrong Skit (Do Intro, Karate Guy Enters, Oh! Wrong Skit)
85. Ghost With One Black Eye (Keep It Up, You’ll Have Another!)
86. The Heart Attack (Do CPR, All Switch When Fails)
87. The 5th Floor (Only 4, Slapped At All 4, Slaps When At 5th)
88. Bus Driver (Did You Change Your Socks? Yes, Here’s Old Pair)
89. The Thirsty Fishermen (How Can On H2O? Didn’t Mention Rocks)
90. The Screwy Navel (Why Screw, Not Navel? To Hold Up Butt)
91. Bear Hunt (Two Hunters Fight Over Bear, Bear Scares Them)
92. Border Crossing (Broom & Fake Gun, Gets Shot By Fake Gun)
93. The Shrimpy Boxer (Shrimp Wins, See Frypan In Slow Motion)
94. Doggie Doo (Run Into Doo, Feel, Smell, Taste, Good Thing No Walk)
95. The Dangerous Tent (Shrimp Gets Beat Up Outside Tent, Exchanges, So
Do Bikers)
96. The Complaining Monk (Every Ten Years, I Quit, Not Surprised, Always
Complain)
97. What the Heck Was That (OMIGOSH A Cannon Line, Title When Boom)

98. The Spot Announcement (Bark From Audience, Thank You Spot!)
99. The Frightened Hunter (What Over Shoulders? Scared by Poached Deer)
100. The Candy Shop (Kid Buys 5 Candies, Not Today, 3 Candies)
101. The Strange Trees (Army Hit By Bacon Tree, No! Was A Hambush!)
102. The Loon Hunt (Only Way Catch Is Loonful Of Sugar Helps The Melican
Go Down)
103. Poor Excuses (Army Hike, All Give Excuse Why Not, All Die, Now I Can
Take A Nap!)
104. 49! (What Doing? Jumping, Yelling, Tries, Pushed Into Hole, 50!)
105. Going to Court (Briefcase, Lost the Case, Going to Higher Court, Thrown
Out)
106. The Professor’s Address (1234 Main Street)
107. The Forgetful Witness
Skits are usually never longer than 3 to 5 minutes and are ideally somewhere
around 90 seconds.
Sources of your skits are imagination, Leader magazine, jokes from books,
Reader’s Digest, campfires, kids, and other leaders.
Watch out for scratch skits from the kids, because they usually aren’t funny, are
too long and don’t make any sense, not to mention the kids forget what they’re
supposed to say and do. A real bore to watch. Which leads to the next point --
reserve the right to edit or veto the kids’ skits, within reason of course. You’ve got
to avoid swearing, hitting, and stupid, no-sense skits. Though I have seen some
original beauties from kids, as well as some wonderful modifications from them,
both of which through little if any leader intervention.
Generally, a good way to get the kids involved in a good skit is to provide them
with a choice of about two or three skits and let them choose a tried and proven
skit, then help them modify it to the number of kids available and the theme.
Rehearse the skit beforehand. It will increase the kids’ confidence and can help
to avoid whispering, fumbling, amnesia, arguing about who says what, and all
sorts of problems.
This task is impossible, but essential to work on. The boys have to speak up so
that everyone can hear them. Who cares how good the joke is if you can’t hear it.
That’s where rehearsing comes in handy.
Cue cards can be useful for the kids so that they can remember their lines. Make
poster size cards with large, simple writing. A far out idea, but can be useful if the
kids can read. And hey! It may unintentionally turn out to be the gag of the
weekend! (How about a skit involving cue cards, and the punchline being "But
Sir! We can’t read!")
Besides the variations I mention, most of these skits lend themselves rather well

to variation of some sort, allowing for easy use throughout a variety of different
themes. I saw "The Beer Commercial" originally as a filming of Romeo and Juliet,
"The Dumb Actors" can be a filming of any theme related scene, "Peanuts in the
Lake" originally had flat out refusals from the relatives, but was modified for an
environmental theme, and "Rise, Walk, and Kill, Igor" can have a Scout Troop
selling fertilizer, Dr. Mad’s Grandmother visiting and the cable company coming
by to install a new TV. Of course, some skits such as "You’ve Broken the Rules!,"
"Nosebleed," to some extent "Trimming the Christmas Tree" and "The Infantry is
Coming!" are a little more situation specific and depend on prescribed scenery
and situations to get the joke done properly. But when possible, decide what you
need and then change a skit, even if only minor details mentioned can be
changed to fit. The scripts aren’t cast in stone.
Avoid rancid skits such as Veech Boton, Ugliest Man in the World, Is it Time
Yet?, Nosebleed, and any skit you or your kids have done three times in row (or
three times in the past year.) Yes, the kids do love these skits and want to do
them again and again, but they become bored sooner or later and start to
complain "Not another campfire..." or they call out "I know the joke! He’s got a
nosebleed!" So try a new skit -- it’s just as fun and will improve greatly the
enjoyability of your campfires.
Watch out for using or modifying skits that touch on sensitive topics. What used
to be considered acceptable jokes no longer are, such as ethnic or handicapped
targets. Keep to topics of common ground.
In your skits, a volunteer is usually a pre-selected person who you seem to pluck
out of the audience, but of course is planted there. In a pinch, you can just
choose your volunteers at random and give them instructions as part of the act. A
victim, on the other hand, is a person who is chosen at random or preselected
(without their knowledge) to be the butt of the joke. Of course, discretion is
advised. Try your good humoured DC or that Beaver leader who just won’t run
out of energy.
Have a cheermaster. A CM is someone who keeps track of group songs, yells,

cheers and skits. Over time, you can start weeding out the good from the bad
from the seen too many times and you can get quite a collection -- here’s mine!
With many sources you can pick up as many as you desire. Build up a repertoire
of one man skits, or, if you have one of those friends who’s been with you in your
Scouting endeavours since you were a Scout and probably will always be with
you till beyond the grave, act as a team and memorize some skits that without
even a moment’s notice you can use to fill in a space. There are a number of
skits listed here that require only one or two participants or whose "volunteers"
can usually be chosen at random. Examples -- "The Bubble Gum in the Studios;"
"Flora the Flea;" "The Bigger Jerk;" "The Highest Tree Climber" (just have the
person talk to himself); "7 Jerks on the Line;" "Spring is Sprung;" "The Viper" (just

two people, same one running in over and over again); "You Don’t Say;" "Highest
Jumper in the World;" "The Well-Trained Elephant;" "Food, Water and Mirror on
the Sahara;" "You Need a Tie, Sir;" "A Hot Meal;" "Brain Shop;" "Pet Shop;" "The
Ghost of Midnight;" "I’m Gonna Get You!;" "News Flash!;" "Learning the
Alphabet;" "The Wrong Skit;" and "The Ghost With One Black Eye."
Make your skits enjoyable!
1. Peanuts
I’ve seen two basic versions, the first being the one I learned first as a
Scout.
Version 1
Judge, Bailiff, 3 (or more) Scruffy Guys, Peanuts (person)
Setting: Courthouse
Judge: Order in the court! Order in the court! Bring in the first case!
Bailiff brings in a scruffy guy.
Judge: What’s your problem?
#1: Duh, I like to throw Peanuts against walls! Hic!
Judge: 30 days psychiatric treatment! Next!
Bailiff brings in two more such characters, one likes to throw Peanuts out the
window, into a lake, likes to hit Peanuts with a hammer and so on. Judge
responds the same way and becomes increasingly bored, saying "Oh, not
another,"
"Why do they send me all the loonies," and so on. Finally the bailiff brings in the
last, really scruffy, bloodied, shirt torn, no shoes, so on.
Judge: What’s your problem? (Sigh....)
Peanuts: I’m Peanuts! (Passes out.)
Version 2
Narrator, 3 Scruffy guys, Curious Person, Peanuts
Setting: Building Roof
Narrator explains that these four guys are on the top of a building and looking
over the edge.
Curious person: What are you guys looking at?
#1: I threw Peanuts over the edge of the building.
"Peanuts" comes crawling up to the top of the building.
Curious person: Who are you?
Peanuts: I’m Peanuts! (Passes out.)
2. Ugliest Man in the World (or Bad Breath)

Another I know two versions of -- but the joke is the same and you only plug in
"Bad Breath" instead of saying the guy is ugly.
UMITW under blanket, Circus Announcer, as many people as you want (say up
to 4 or 5), victim
Setting: Circus, Boardwalk

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Come and see the Ugliest
Man in the World! (or Smell the Worst Breath in the World!) Ah you, Sir, would
you like to try?
#1: Sure, why not! I’ve got a strong stomach! (looks under and faints (or says,
Bad Breath!))
Continue with your other "volunteers." Each faints with, "Oh, Gross," "He’s
Ugleeeee!" and so on. Bring in your victim and invite him to look (or smell.)
Suddenly, the UMITW faints in a similar manner to the volunteers (or says, Bad
Breath!)
3. Is Captain Kidd Afraid of Himself?

Captain Kidd, Other people walking by, Mirror
Setting: Street
C.K.: I’m the roughest, toughest, meanest, ugliest pirate to roam the seas.
Watch this. (Tries to scare first man walking by.)
Man: I’m not scared of you!
C.K. keeps on trying to scare people going to work ("Late for work!") walking the
dog (Dog runs up and starts to play with C.K.) kids (they laugh, "Hey! Hallowe’en
isn’t till next month!") and so on. Finally, he’s quite dismayed.
C.K.: Hmm. Maybe I’m not so scary after all. Maybe I should go into movies.
(Looks at himself in the mirror.) Ahhh! (Runs away scared.)
4. How do I do That?
There are roughly 255 quintillion quazillion variations of this skit out on the
market, including robbers, suicide pills, car crashes and so on. You may more
commonly know this one as "Veech Boton?" I’ll give you the version I learned
and the only non-rancid version I’ve seen yet.
Version 1
5 Guys kneeling in line (1st is captain, last is dummy)
Setting: Submarine
Captain: (Looking through periscope) Aim torpedo 1!
2: Aim torpedo 1!
3: Aim torpedo 1!
4: Aim torpedo 1!
5: How do I do that?
Captain: With button 1!
And so on down the line.
5: Oh! (Presses button 1.) (Poof!)
Captain: Ahch! We missed!
Captain: Fire torpedo 2!
And so on down the line, after which is, "How do I do that?" "With button 2!" on
down the line. Continue down through to torpedo 4 (or 5 or however many,) each

time the captain becoming more frustrated and annoyed and calling the guy
names etc. Each exclamation, for the best effect, should be repeated down the
line. Finally, they run out of torpedoes and then...
Captain: The only thing left to do now is to kill myself (shoots himself.)
Version 2
Same kind of situation, but this time it’s a bunch of garbage collectors, racing
their truck down their route.
Driver: Okay! Try the first one! (They miss.)
Others: Darn! Next time we’ll get it right! (And so on at every stop.)
Finally...
Driver: Well, guys, we missed all of the garbage stops. I guess the only
honourable thing to do is to pick up the garbage properly! (And they do.)
5. You’ve Broken the Rules!

An ingenious one, usually only good at summer camp. Modify as necessary, (or
as possible) depending on applicable rules.
Mean Pirate Captain, 6 Pirates, Lifeguard
Setting: Pirate Ship at Sea
Captain: Okay let’s see the first o’ you. Which rule did you break?
#1: I... I... I ran around in the dining hall when I should have been sitting down!
Captain: Walk the plank! And you?
#2: I pushed into the canteen line, Sir!
#3: I wasn’t quiet when the sign was up!
#4: I was talking after bedtime!
#5: I wasn’t listening during badgework!
#6: I was playing with the campfire!
Captain: Walk the plank!
Lifeguard comes out.
Lifeguard: Okay guys, BUDDY UP AND NO TALKING!
6. Karate Orientale
I once did this one with a Pirate theme whereby instead of having a karate
expert, I had a pirate who was good with a sword. No change in progression or
punchline, though.
Karate Expert, 3 Muggers, 1 Mugger with a gun
Expert: I now can feel safe when I walk through the park and not have to worry
about muggers now that I know karate from all over the world. For instance,
(mugger sneaks up to him, gets a karate chop,) Hiii-Ya! I learned that Japanese
Karate Chop in Osaka, Japan. (Another mugger sneaks up.) I learned this -- (flips
him) -- the Chinese Mugger Flip -- in Southern China. (Yet another mugger

sneaks up.) I learned the Round the World Kick, like this one (does a turn & kicks
him) in Korea. So you see, I’m quite safe in the Park.
Suddenly another mugger runs in and shoots the expert dead.
Mugger: That was a shot from a .45 special I got from the Sears Catalogue!
7. The Beer Commercial

This one I originally learned with a Romeo and Juliet theme. But I started using
the beer commercial because it was easier at the time and it stuck with me. A
perennial favourite for me -- I’ve used it many times.
Actor(s), Director, Cameraman, Others in a studio
Setting: Studio
Director: Okay, People! Let’s get going!
Cameraman: But Sir!
Director: No interruptions! Action!
Actor, speaking in a dull voice, does a commercial for Scout Beer, talking about
its great taste, made from dishwater and leftover porridge, and lots of the special
ingredient, "Hop to it," which the Scout leader often said, from Scout camp
when..
Director: Cut! That sounded like you don’t like the stuff! Sound sincere!
Okay! Let’s try it again!
Cameraman: But Sir!
Director: No buts! Action!
Actor begins again, appropriately sincere, and there are the usual interruptions
by the director, saying it’s too fast, too slow, whispers into the actor’s ear (who
then checks his zipper) until finally, everything goes smoothly. All the while, the
Cameraman keeps on interrupting the Director at the same time.
Director: Cut! And Print! That was fantastic! Let’s get out of here!
Cameraman: But Sir! We don’t have any film!
8. The Dumb Actors

I once directed this skit and, having prepared it with the kids a few weeks prior to
the actual campfire (and the kids being from another group), I’d forgotten that I
had to arrange for their brooms. So in the middle of the skit, I remembered about
the brooms and quickly ran into the camp kitchen to get the brooms!
It seems to me that this one perhaps could use a little "setting the scene" --
perhaps start off with the "actors" standing around on break, and the Director
calling them in, saying that they’d had enough time already. On that note, I once
participated in the presentation of this skit. I was a fifth cleaner who was sort of
on break, sort of working. I had a coffee cup, a broom, some towels, etc. I would
go up and clean the camera, sweep around the son who was lying on the
ground, occasionally try to interrupt, but not quite manage to, etc. After a
verbatim presentation as follows, I added in, "Yeah guys, let’s get back to work!"
Otherwise known as "At the Movies" from the Leader Magazine -- text from the
Best of the Leader Magazine Cut Out Pages.
Director, Others in a Studio (Clapper Board, Lighting Men), Mother, Son, Doctor,
Undertaker, brooms for the actors

Director: Lights, Camera, Action!
Clapper: Scene one, Take one!
The actors play the scene without the least sign of emotion as lighting people
follow and cameraman films. Mother is flipping pancakes at the stove when son
walks in.
Son: Mom, I don’t feel too well. (He collapses)
Mom: (Goes over, looks at son.) Oh, I’d better call the doctor. (Moves to the
phone, dials making click, click, click sounds.) Doctor, come quick. My son’s
collapsed.
Doctor: (Enters, checks pulse and breathing.) He’s dead. I’d better call the
undertaker. (Goes to phone, dials making dialing sounds like Mom did.)
Undertaker, you’d better come. I have a dead body here.
Undertaker: (Enters and begins to measure the body.)
Director: (Jumps up.) Cut! Cut! That was terrible. You had no emotion AT
ALL! Let’s do it again. This time, give me more emotion!
Cast: (Exiting) Right. More emotion.
Director: Lights, Camera, Action!
Clapper: Scene one, Take Two!
The actors redo the scene, using exactly the same words, but with great hammy
histrionics. Mom weeps uncontrollably throughout, son dies very dramatically,
etc. At the same point as in Take One, the Director yells, "Cut! Cut!"
Director: That was better, but too fast. Let’s try again. This time, slow it down.
Lights, Camera, Action!
Clapper: Scene on, Take three!
The actors redo the scene in slow motion -- talking slowly, mowing slowly. For
example, when the telephone is dialled it goes click ... click ... click ... and after
the doctor check’s the son’s pulse, the son’s hand falls slowly back to the floor,
etc. The Director yells "Cut!" in the usual place.
Director: That was far too slow! Let’s speed it up!
This time the actors do the scene so quickly that the son throws himself to the
ground, the doctor is there before Mom can hang up, and so on.
Director: (At the same place) Cut! That was absolutely terrible! Actors? Do you
call yourselves actors!!??
Cast: Actors? Who said anything about actors? We’re the cleaners! (All pick up
brooms and exit.)
9. Pass the Pepper

As per usual with repetition skits, the more actors the merrier up to about 6 or 7.
One of the first seven skits I learned way back as a Scout.
Setting: Family Sitting at the Dinner Table, talking in a very thick Southern Drawl.
Ma: Pass the peppa, Pa.
(Goes down the line to Pa, who responds)
Pa: Here’s the Black Peppa, Ma.
(Goes down the line to Ma, who responds)
Ma: No, not the Black Peppa, Pa.
(Goes down the line to Pa, who responds)

Pa: Oh. Here’s the Chili Peppa, Ma.
This goes on through different kinds of Peppa ie. Banana Peppa, Jalepeno
Peppa, Red Peppa, Green Peppa, and so on until,
Ma: Can’t you pass the toilet peppa, Pa?
10. The Bubble Gum on the Street

One of those skits Cubs just love and laugh at.
Kid, Dog, Basketball Player, Car, Jogger and Old Man
Setting: City Street
Kid: Blowing bubbles is just great. Watch. (Blows imaginary bubble; it pops and
lands somewhere on the ground.) Hmm. Where did it go? I should look for it.
(Goes around and exits, still looking for it.)
Enter dog, who stops, sniffs at gum, pees on it, and exits. Basketball player is
dribbling ball when it gets stuck on the gum -- he tries to loosen it and finally
does. Car drives right over it. Jogger goes by, his foot gets stuck on it; old man
comes by and his cane gets stuck on it. Finally, Kid comes back.
Kid: Ahh! There’s my piece of gum! (Picks it up, pops it in his mouth and
continues chewing.)
11. The Bubble Gum in the Studios

A quick, 2-person skit you can use to fill a moment when a six or patrol isn’t
ready (but should be.)
Announcer, Boy
Setting: Stage
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the world famous WHEEL OF
FISH!
(Boy comes crawling onto stage.) I say, young man, what are you doing down
there?
Boy: (Looking up) I’m looking for my bubble gum!
Announcer: Well, where did you lose it?
Boy: Backstage!
Announcer: Then why look here?
Boy: The lighting is better here!
12. Submarine Training

Another 2-person skit you can use on the spur of the moment, if you just so
happen to have the props, the main ones being the raincoat and drawings. Story
teller, Victim, appropriate sound effects & Helpers, raincoat, cup of water
Storyteller: I need a volunteer to take submarine training. (Put victim under the
coat and hold up an arm of the coat to use as a periscope.) Now to be a good
submarine captain, you must be able to use the periscope. So let’s practice a bit.
Can you see the fire? How about those tents? The table? The moon? The stars?
(Continue until (s)he becomes proficient.) Let’s start our mission. You are the
captain of this fine submarine, the S.S. Kaput. You are to bring it about on
manoeuvres and sink enemy ships. So here we go, in the middle of the Atlantic
Ocean. Oh! Here comes an enemy ship to the right! Can you see him? (Show a

drawing of a ship.) Blow him up! (When he fires, sink the ship.) Good going! Now
turn the submarine to port, and then to starboard (Left & right.) Oh, Oh -- there’s
a storm brewing. (Shake him a bit.) Do you see that Island? Try to go there to
seek cover. Can you see the waves? My, aren’t they big? And they’re crashing
against the rocks! What a big storm! Can you see it? Can you see the waves?
No? (Pour the water down the arm.)
13. The Olde Lighthouse

Storyteller, Person with Flashlight, 4 "Girders" who are collaborators, 4 Victims
Person with flashlight is the lighthouse -- he holds it on his head and turns
around so the light turns around to act like a lighthouse -- also, he occasionally
booms out a foghorn.
Storyteller: There once was this lighthouse that did a very fine job of being a
lighthouse. It turned around all the time and gave a nice beam of light. It even
had a foghorn in it. (Foghorn....) So it was a very fine lighthouse indeed. But after
many years of fine service and many more storms, it began to be a little shaky in
the wind. (Lighthouse begins to wobble.) So what the authorities did was to put in
four girders to support the lighthouse so that it would give many more years of
fine service. (Bring in your girders and place them around the lighthouse, facing
outwards and bent over on a 45o angle, with arms stretched out. Lighthouse
promptly becomes straight again, still continuing to turn.) And it indeed did do
that. It stood straight for many long years until again storms caused it to be shaky
in the wind. (Wobbles again.) So the port authorities again tried to get the
lighthouse to become straight again. They figured boulders around the bottoms
of the girders would do a great job, so they placed boulders there. (Place your
victims in a crouching position, facing in toward the lighthouse, underneath the
outstretched arms of the girders.) And once more, the lighthouse was straight.
And it remained so for many, many years. During the first storm the lighthouse
had to endure after the boulders were placed, the authorities watched to make
sure that the lighthouse survived. They saw the rain coming close; they heard the
wind; the water began to rise; and the waves came crashing in on the boulders
(Girders start hitting the boulders’ behinds.)
14. Is It Time Yet?

I once was involved in a presentation of this skit, and we really hammed it up, as
should be done with all skits. We had a sign that said "Bus Stop", and among
many other things, we had one person who was a little hard of hearing, and at
one point I responded, "As in Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme?" -- a joke
that will no doubt pass over the kids’ heads but hopefully reach the adults.
Text from Best of Leader Magazine Cut Out pages
Six to ten players sit in a line facing the audience, legs stretched out in front of
them, left leg crossed over right at the ankle. The player at one end asks the one
beside him, "Is it time yet?" The question passes from person to person down the
line. The last player looks at his watch and tells the person beside him, "No, not
yet." The reply passes from player to player back up the line to the first person.
Players send question and answer up and down the line three or four times, each

time becoming more and more impatient and fidgety. Finally, the end player
replies, "Yes, it’s time now." The news passes from one to another up the line to
the first player who says, "Oh, thank goodness!" At this point, all the players
uncross their legs and re-cross them right over left.
15. JC Penney
Person standing on street, 3 Friends passing by, JC Penny in underwear/swim
suit only
Setting: Street Corner
Remember that all of the friends come from the same side of the stage, and
leave on the same other side (ie. all are walking in the same direction.)
Person: Hey, Frank! Nice to see you! Hey, I like those shoes! Where’d you get
them?
Frank: JC Penney! Look, I gotta run! Bye!
Another friend comes up.
Person: John! Nice shirt! Where did you get it?
John: JC Penney! Real nice clothes! See you!
Another friend shows up.
Person: Steve! Hey! The pants! I love ’em. Where’d you get ’em?
Steve: JC Penney! Bye!
JC Penney comes running through.
Person: Hey! Who are you? Why are you running around like that?
JC: I’m JC Penney! I’m trying to get my clothes back!
16. Flora the Flea

Gee, another I know two endings to. Note the point where I write, "Alternate
Ending." A simple, funny, one person skit for loose moments. Main text from The
Best of the Leader Magazine Cut Out Pages.
Performer
The performer is putting his trained flea Flora through all her tricks, explaining all
her tricks as she does them. His eyes follow every flip, jump, etc. as she
performs and lands back in his hand. The he asks her to jump to the ceiling. His
eyes lose her and she doesn’t return. He looks high and low (perhaps with the
help of a friend) but can’t find her. Finally he looks in someone’s hair.
Performer: (Delighted) Flora! There you are! I’m so glad to have you back. (looks
more closely.) But say ... this isn’t Flora!
Alternate Ending ... when Flora has done all her tricks,
Performer: Let’s hear a big round of applause for Flora! (Begins to clap, then
stops, horrified, realizing what he’s done.)
17. The Party Warehouse

Warehouse Person, Store Manager, 5 Customers, Two Victims, Broomstick
Setting: Party Supplies Store
Get two victims to hold, at each end, the broomstick -- this will be your manager’s
store counter.
Customer #1: Hi! I’d like to buy some balloons for my daughter’s birthday party.

Manager: Of course, Sir. Let me check with the back. (Calling to back of
warehouse.) Do we have any balloons?
Warehouse: (Calling from back -- an accent works well, or he’s hard of hearing.)
Let me check. (Pause) No! No balloons!
Manager: Gee, I’m sorry, Sir. Thank you for stopping by!
Continue with each customer trying to get cakes, party favours, "Just the bottom
of the line, no frills birthday party supplies," candies, games for the little darlings,
hats, and so on. Each time, the Manager calls back, the warehouse person
responds that he’ll check, says no, and the manager apologizes. Finally, Last
Customer: I’ve been waiting in line here for a while and I’ve noticed that you don’t
have anything that anybody wants. What do you have for parties?
Manager: (Slowly looks at each of the victims, considering each.) Well, I do have
two suckers on a stick!
18. The Statue Warehouse

This is another one of those water jokes. However, this one needs the water to
hit the victim to be effective. I remember a campfire at which water jokes had
been banned after a performance of The Greatest Spitter in the World, and being
the witless Scout that I was, I still commissioned this skit, with Aquaman doing a
fake spit. Needless to say, rather ineffective. A good alternative is to have a
Museum of Working History, the last person being a window washer, and uses a
pump spray. No mess.
Tour Guide, Group of Tourists (optional), 1 Victim, Statues, Aquaman Statue with
mouthful of water
Setting: Statue Museum (or Warehouse of Old, Unused Statues)
Guide: Welcome to the museum of Superheroes. We have an unique collection
of statues in that you can press a button and the statues come alive to imitate
their real life counterparts. See here, for instance. This is Superman. Watch as I
push the button on his chest.
Superman comes out of stiff standing position and takes a flying position, then
resumes a stiff standing position. Guide continues through the tour, occasionally
letting someone try the statues of Spiderman, the Flash, Batman,
Wonderwoman, each with a different action and way of activating them (pull arm,
press nose, and so on.) Finally they get to Aquaman.
Guide: Now this is our last statue; Aquaman is our pride and joy. However, it
seems that sometimes it just won’t activate. Better let me try first. (Pulls arm.
Nothing. "Aquaman," he whispers. He tries the arm again. Nothing.) (To victim)
You, Sir? Would you like to try? He’s rather finicky. Maybe he’ll work if you try.
Victim tries and Aquaman spits out a mouthful of water at him.
19. The Greatest Spitter in the World

Another 2-person skit you can plug in.
GSITW, Partner with metal pot (with a bit of water in it) and a pebble
Setting: Boardwalk, Circus, Amusement Park
Separate GSITW and partner by about 15 feet.
Partner: Ladies and Gentlemen! May I present to you the Greatest Spitter in the

World! He does all kinds of tricks with a mere spit! Let him show you the simple
spit first!
GSITW sends off a regular spit, which is caught in the pot by the partner. When
it’s supposed to land, he hits the bottom of the pot with a secret pebble he holds
in his hand.
Partner: Ladies and Gents! That is not all he can do! Watch his fastball!
Again, another spit which immediately "lands" in the pot. Continue with tricks,
such as slow spit, high spit, round the world spit (in which case each turns
around, backs facing each other, and the spit takes a while to come around but
indeed does,) curve spit, and so on. Finally,
Partner: Now for his last spit! It’s a really difficult spit but we think we have it! It’s
a high, quadruple axle, curvy, spring jump spit! We must have absolute silence
for this one!
GSITW spits up, partner follows it up, doing 4 spins, it curves side to side, begins
to jump up and down in air, then he seems to lose it ... no, there it is ... he goes
side to side, trying to catch it, he trips and spills the water on the crowd.
20. The Bigger Jerk

A simple, one person skit that is great for those loose moments in a campfire.
1 Person, log (or imaginary mower), "Volunteer," Victim
Person: (Groans and grunts as he’s bent over carrying "heavy" mower.) Uhh.
(Lets it down.) These old models, I tell you. They are so heavy, and they don’t
work well. Maybe I should buy a new mower this week. Well, let’s get going.
(Pulls rip cord to start, but it won’t start. Makes appropriate sputtering noises.
Tries again and again. Maybe get a "volunteer" to help.
Again, no success. Get your victim to try, and on first try, it sputters to great life!)
I guess it just needed a bigger jerk!
21. We Ain’t Got the Money for the Mortgage on the Farm
One of those repetitive jokes. Difference is, you do the skit to a beat, and
everyone bends their knees in sync (or tries to.) Successful or not, the knee
bending (and attempts to keep in sync) alone makes it hilarious.
Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis, Cousin Joe, Auntie Mae, Gramps, Mr. Bankerman
Pa: (Comes out, starts bending knees to a beat, and says to the beat) Hiya,
Folks! I’m Pa (people can respond ... repeat if desired.) Well, we ain’t got the
money for the mortgage on the farm. Boo, Hoo, Boo Hoo Hoo.
Ma: (Comes out, bends knees to Pa’s beat.) Hiya, Pa!
Pa: Hiya, Ma!
Ma: Whatsamatter, Pa?
Pa: Well, we ain’t got the money for the mortgage on the farm.
Pa & Ma: Boo, Hoo, Boo Hoo Hoo!
Continues with Bro coming in, saying Hiya, Ma (who responds, Hiya, Bro) to the
beat, then says Hiya Pa, (Hiya, Bro) then Whatsamater Pa? who responds about
the mortgage. Continue in like manner through to Gramps, each lining up beside
the person before them. Continue to Mr. Bankerman, who does the same thing,
but faces the line from the far side. They all go through the scene again, Hiya,

Pa! Hiya, Mr. Bankerman! etc. Whatsamater, Pa? Well, we ain’t .... Finally, Mr.
Bankerman: Well, Now I got Sis (abducts Sis, who of course resists.) Ha, Ha, Ha
Ha Ha! All of a sudden, everyone shoots at Mr. Bankerman, (Bang! Bang! Bang
Bang Bang!) and he falls over dead. They continue their leg bending. Next line is
tricky to a beat, but think of rap music. (What the heck is rap? You mean that
garbage kids listen to?)
All: Now we don’t have to pay the mortgage on the farm! Ha! Ha! Ha Ha Ha!
22. Peanuts in the Lake

I originally saw this where all the relatives gave a flat out refusal (after
appropriate histrionics.) I modified it a bit to fit an environmental theme.
Each person has a handful of peanuts hidden away (except girl’s peanuts which
are visible), perhaps in campfire blanket pocket. All family members are present
on the stage.
Girl, Mother, Father, Brother, Sister, Cousin, Aunt, Uncle, Grandmother, Friend
etc. and a Bag of Peanuts.
Setting: Up at the Cottage, Lakeside Resort, Beach
Girl: Gee! I’ve got all these great peanuts! I want to throw some into the lake! I’ll
go ask Ma if I can. Ma! Can I throw peanuts in the lake?
Ma: Are peanuts biodegradable, dear?
Girl: What?
Ma: Are peanuts biodegradable? You don’t want to hurt the lake.
Girl: Gee, I don’t know.
Ma: Then you’d better not throw peanuts in the lake, darling.
Girl: (On the side) I’ll go ask Pa.
Repeat the scene through each person. Use appropriate hamming it up and
histrionics, such as "Granny always lets me do whatever I want" and a hard of
hearing, senile uncle. All still ask the biodegradable question, girl occasionally
responding, "Bio de what?" "Biodependable?" ("No, Biodegradable!") sometimes
being told, "You go to school, don’t you? Ask your teacher!" She always
responds that she doesn’t know and goes on to the next family member.
Finally, she gives up.
Girl: Well, I guess I’d better find out what biodegradable means, and if peanuts
are biodegradable. (She leaves.)
Ma: Hey gang! She’s gone now! Peanuts are biodegradable! (Throw peanuts into
crowd.)
23. Sounds of the Lost Scoutmaster

A quick 2-person skit, if the Storyteller, the Lost Scoutmaster or last minute
volunteers do the sound effects.
Storyteller, Bird, Frog, Tree, Breeze, Lost Scoutmaster
Storyteller is telling the story to the campfire crowd, while the other actors, with
the exception of the Lost Scoutmaster, have the option to hide in the woods, sit in
the crowd, or stand beside the story teller. I suggest the first, for effect. The Lost
Scoutmaster, however, must hide in the woods.
Storyteller: You know, I love camping. It’s not like being in the city at all. You hear

sounds that you can only hear out in the country. For instance, lots of birds. (Bird
chirps a lot, sings a bird song.) Ah, isn’t that lovely? And the frogs. They have
one of those great sounds. (Frog calls out ribbit sounds.) And though there’s
breeze in the city, it’s just not the same as the breeze in the country. (Light
breeze being called out.) Let’s face it; there are trees in the city, but how many?
The breeze through a forest is so nice (Light breeze, slight swishing of the trees.)
But the sound I love to hear the most when I go camping is the sound of the Lost
Scoutmaster. (Heavy thumping of the feet; calls out, "Where in the world am I?")
24. The Highest Tree climber in the World

Again, this can be a 2-person skit.
2 Friends, HTCITW
Setting: Campfire
Tree climber is hidden in the woods and is able to ruffle a bush or tree.
1: You know, they say there’s this really good tree climber trying out for the
Olympics. I wonder if he’s practising around here?
2: Call out and see!
1: Hey! Tree Climber! You around here?
Climber: Yep!
1: You practising?
Climber: Yep!
1: How high are you?
Climber: Oh, not high. About 100 feet.
1: Wow! Can you go higher?
Climber: Yep! (Ruffles tree.) Now I’m at about 200 feet.
1: Fantastic! Can you go higher?
1: Neato! Can you go higher?
1: Great! Can you go higher?
1: Gee! I’m amazed!
2: Excuse me, Sir, but I have a book here that says that the highest tree in the
world is only 360 feet high!
Climber: Ahhhhhh!!!!!! (Thump!)
25. Post Office / King’s Royal Paper

Another skit for which I know two definite variations (or should I say three,
considering "Pass the Pepper, Pa?")
Version 1: Post Office
Post Office Clerk, People in line, Person, a few letters and small boxes, and one
wrapped box with a roll of toilet paper in it.
Setting: Post Office
Person is last in line, clerk is behind a desk, serving people, box with toilet paper
1: 5 stamps, please.
Clerk: $2.00, please.

2: My mail, please. (Clerk hands it to him.)
3: This to Albuquerque.
Clerk takes it.
4: Has my package arrived yet?
Clerk: (Checks.) No, I’m sorry Sir.
Next day, same type scenario occurs, with person 4 always last in line, always
asking for his package, which hasn’t arrived yet. Each day this repeats, his legs
become more and more crossed, he’s more fidgety, more nervous, more
anxious, more desperate, till finally, on the last day he’s up again.
4: (Yelling out) Has my package arrived yet?
Clerk: Yes Sir! Here it is!
4: (Relieved, tearing open the box) Thank you! Now I can go to the washroom!
Version 2: The King’s Royal Paper
Essentially the same type of cast plus a guard; you also need newspaper, a
notepad, scrap paper, cardboard and so on. Have servants ham it up when their
head is about to be cut off.
King: I want my Royal Paper!
1: Here, Sire, The Royal NewsPaper!
King: No! That’s not it! Guard, Off with his head!
2: Sire! Your Royal Writing paper!
King: Fool! Off with his head!
3: Your Highness! Here is The Royal Scratch Paper!
King: (Furious) If I wanted to draw I’d have called for Crayons! Off with his head!
4: Your Grace! Here is the Royal Paper! (Hands him the toilet paper.)
King: Thank you! (Runs off to washroom.)
26. Super Clutz

I once did this one at a campfire and it went smoothly. Then when it was finished,
I was exiting the stage and I accidentally kicked over a lantern. Eerily
appropriate, wouldn’t you say?
Super Clutz, Little Kid, 3 People
Super Clutz is wearing a jacket for a cape, inside out shirt, inside out shorts,
backwards hat, etc.
Little Kid: (Crying) Super Clutz! Can you help me? I’ve lost a quarter!
Super Clutz: Ok. I’ll try my best! (Walks around on streets, looking to ground for
quarter.)
Man: (Calling out from burning building) Super Clutz! The building is on fire! Help
Me!
Super Clutz: Sorry, I’m busy! (Walks around some more.)
Woman: (Being mugged) Help me, Super Clutz! They’ve taken my purse!
Super Clutz: Sorry! I’m busy! (Walks around some more.)
Man: (From wrecked car) Super Clutz! Get me out of here before the car blows
up!
Super Clutz: Sorry! I’m busy!
Little kid runs up to him.

Kid: Super Klutz! I found my quarter! It was in my pocket all the time!
27. I Gotta Go Weee!
Another one I’ve used for a few campfires -- the last of the first seven I learned
as a young Scout (despite having learned "Post Office", what would have been
#8, a few days later.)
Patrol asleep (ie. lying down) in tent
Scout 1: Scouter, I gotta go wee!
Scouter: Go back to sleep.
Scout 1: (A little later) Scouter, I gotta go wee!
Scouter: Go back to sleep!
Other Scouts wake up and mumble, "Aw, keep quiet," "Stop whining," "You’re
keeping us awake," etc.
Scout 1: (A little later) Scouter, I gotta go wee!
Scouter: (Annoyed) Go back to sleep!
Other Scouts wake up and mumble, "Aw, keep quiet," "Stop whining," "You’re
keeping us awake," etc.) (continues once or twice more. Finally,
Scout 1: But Scouter, I really gotta go Wee!
Scouter: (Really annoyed and exasperated) Fine, Johnny, GO WEE!
Scout 1: (Sits up, starts wiggling arms and calls out,) WEEEEE!
WWWEEEEEEEEEEE!
28. The Inspection

Leader, 3-4 Kids in messy uniforms, missing hats, inside out, not tucked in, and
so on, and One Kid in perfect, full uniform
Setting: Meeting Hall
Leader: Troop! (Does the sign.) Line up for inspection.
Kid in perfect uniform is at end of line. Leader checks each one, says "Hmm," at
each one, writes down something. Gets to last kid.
Leader: Johnny! You’re in perfect uniform! How many times will it take for you to
get it right! You make the others look bad!
29. 7 Jerks on the Line

I once did this one, and the basic scenario was the same, but it was really long
distance from Newfoundland to British Columbia. Phil was great with this one,
thinking that I was going to bring him some Moosehead beer, and otherwise
doing a fantastic, fabulous job of completely contorting the meaning of the words.
Fabulous rendition.
A 2-person skit that only requires a length of rope.
2 People on the phone, up to seven Victims, rope
Each person is holding the rope at either end, and talking on the telephone
Person 1: I went fishing the other day!
2: Can’t hear you!
1: Said I went fishing the other day!
2: Can’t hear you! Maybe the phone company needs more telephone poles! Get
a couple of victims to hold the rope up in the middle.
1: That better?

2: A little! Try again.
1: Went fishing the other day!
2: Really? Is it a good sushi bar?
1: No! I went fishing! Maybe they need more poles! Get a couple more victims to
help hold the rope up.
1: As I was saying, the spot I was at wasn’t great!
2: No, still can’t hear you. Did you say you got grapes?
1: Hold on a minute.
Get another couple of poles.
1: I said that I went fishing and my luck wasn’t too good!
2: That’s better! Still a little interference, but you say you hit a puck? I think one
more pole will help greatly.
Get one more pole.
2: Perfect!
1: Gee! The phones today. Anyway, I went fishing the other day.
2: Oh? And how did you do? Any bites?
1: Not good. But today, I did get 7 jerks on the line!
30. Damn! (or should I say Darn?)

One time the kids I was with really took to this one well. They did a scene about
the Simpsons going to a store and used "Doh" as the D-word. Once they got into
it, they really did well.
Director, 2 Workers, Cameraman, Clapperman, Light Man, Soap
Setting: On the Setting of a Movie
Director: Okay, people! Remember what I said about the language! Action!
Clapperman: Scene 5, Take 1!
Worker 1: (Eating lunch with #2) You know, Gerry, the wife is always nagging me
for some more money. And I just don’t have it.
Gerry: I know what you mean. The (DARN) kids are always ...
Director: Cut! What did I say about the language? You know the rules ... soap in
the mouth. (Pantomime director washing out Gerry’s mouth with soap.) Okay,
let’s try that one again. And watch the language!
Continues the same way, but each time something happens where a different
person says "Darn" -- clapperman gets fingers caught in clapper (don’t do the
whole scene over again, of course,) cameraman trips while filming, light person
drops light, #1 says "the darn wife ..." Finally, the director is about to start the
scene again when he looks at his watch.
Director: Oh darn. Look at the time ...
Cast & Crew: Cut! You know the rules ... (Pantomime washing out mouth with
soap)
31. The Pilfered Warehouse

Otherwise known as "The Empty Boxes" in the Leader Magazine. Text from The
Best of the Leader Cut Out Pages.
Manager, Guard, 3 Workmen, large cardboard boxes.
Setting: Factory Gate.

Manager: (To new guard) I’m giving you the very responsible position of gate
guard at this factory. Because of the lack of vigilance by your predecessors, the
workers have stolen so many finished articles that the firm is heading for
bankruptcy. Your duty is to ensure this is brought to an end. Do you understand?
Guard: Yes Sir. I am to stop stealing.
Manager: That’s right. You can search people if necessary. Now it’s up to you,
and let’s see some results.
Guard: Very good, Sir. (Manager leaves; guard takes post; first workman enters
carrying a clothdraped box.) Just a moment. What have you got in that box?
#1: What do you mean?
Guard: What have you got in that box? It’s my duty to see that no one takes stuff
out of the factory.
#1: Why didn’t you say? There’s nothing in the box. Look! (He shows everyone
the box is empty.)
Guard: Oh, well, that’s all right then.
#1 leaves and #2 enters, box draped as before. Guard and workman go through
routine of looking in the box. Repeat with #3. After #3 has left, the manager races
in enraged.
Manager: You idiot! I hired you to stop this pilfering. You’ve only been here half
an hour and already we’re losing things!
Guard: But the only people who went out were three men with boxes. I stopped
them all and they all had nothing in them.
Manager: You fool! We make boxes!
32. The Greyhound Bus

Shopper with a BIG package higher than his head, Pedestrian, People who are
Cars and One Bus
Setting: Busy Intersection
Cars and trucks whiz by and don’t stop for pedestrians.
Shopper: Excuse me, Sir, could you tell me when there’s nothing coming down
the street, so that I may cross?
Pedestrian: Sure. (Pauses until cars stop whizzing by. Bus begins coming down
the street.) Now you can cross. There’s only a dog coming. (He begins to cross;
bus hits him.)
New Setting: Hospital Ward
Pedestrian: (To shopper in bed) Gee, I’m really sorry about what happened to
you.
Shopper: It’s alright. These things happen once in a while. But tell me, why did
you say there was a dog coming down the street when it was really a bus?
Pedestrian: Well, it was a Greyhound!
33. Echo Point

I once modified this to suit a space theme -- it was a tour around the galaxy to
different planets, people travelled in a spaceship to get from planet to planet (a
drawing of the USS Enterprise, no less,) and they went back to the starbase. But
essential details of the dialogue, and of course, the joke itself, were exactly the

same.
Guide, Tourists, Echo hidden in the bushes
Setting: A Tour of the Countryside
You might want to lengthen it a bit at first, to tell a more complete story, but for
the sake of brevity, you might not.
Guide: (To tourist group) And this over here is the famous site where John Smith
first discovered gold. Now if you’ll follow me, we’ll be going to Echo Point next.
(Walks around a bit with group.) Here it is. What makes Echo Point so special is
that whenever you call out the name of a food, it will echo three times. Listen.
Yoghurt! (Echo: "Yoghurt! Yoghurt! Yoghurt!") See? Now, would anybody else
like to try?
Tourist #1: I would. Banana! (Echo: "Banana! Banana! Banana!")
Tourist #2: Salad! (Echo: "Salad! Salad! Salad!") Hey! Neato!
Tourist #3: I want to try. Baloney! (Echo: "Baloney! Baloney!" – ONLY TWICE!)
Guide: (After a pause,) That’s strange -- it’s never repeated a food only twice.
Maybe we should wait a moment more. (Pause -- nothing happens.) I’m so
embarrassed. Well, I guess we should go back to the base, where the food is so
good!
Echo: Baloney!
34. There’s a Bear!

A one person skit that is a good gag if done properly. One in which you should be
careful at the punchline -- you don’t want to injure anyone.
Nature Guide, 3-4 Victims (line them up as you get them)
Guide: I’m going to bring you through an imaginary trip to follow a bear’s daily
activities. First, I need a volunteer (He will be a victim). First, we’ll kneel down,
you in front of me. Then I’m going to say, "There’s a bear!" and you’re going to
respond, "Where?" and I’ll point him out. You still won’t see him and repeat,
"Where?" and I’ll point him out, and then you’ll say, "Ahh. I see him, he’s over
there!" and point the same way I did.
Guide: There’s a bear!
1: Where?
Guide: Over there!
1: Where?
Guide: Over there!
1: Ahh. I see him, he’s over there!
Continue by introducing the other victims, one at a time and lining them up in
front of your previous victim, and repeating the same sketch, but increasing the
length as you go through it in a repetitious manner ie. you point out to #1, then he
to #2, then he to #3, then he to #4. Finally,
Guide: Guess what? He fell over! (Push over your victims)
35. Spring is Sprung!

A one person skit that is one of my perennial favourites, and another one of
those repetitive skits.
Poet, Grass, Flowers, Birds, Frogs, 3 Trees, Victim

Setting: A Poetry Reading Session
DO NOT READ THIS POEM IN ITS ENTIRETY; READ IT LINE BY LINE AS
INSTRUCTED; AT EACH STOP, GET YOUR VOLUNTEERS!
Spring is sprung,
the grass is growing,
the flowers are blooming,
the birds are singing,
and the froggies are ribbitting.
The leaves on the trees are growing,
and the sap is running through the trees.
The poet is standing in front of the crowd and announces his ode to spring.
Poet: This is my latest poem, called Sp-ring is Sp-rung. (A great place to ham it
up, by lengthening out all the "r" & "l" words.)
Reads out the first line and proceeds to the next -- stops at "the grass..."
Poet: Hmm. I need some grass to demonstrate. (Get "grass.") Here, do just like
this (crouch down; hands over head, put together pointing up, then stand up
slowly.) Now, let’s start again.
Starts again, the grass grows on cue, and gets to third line -- stops after
blooming.
Poet: I need at least one flower. (Get "flower.") You would be a great help.
Just like the grass, only make a circle with your hands instead when you’re
standing up.
Starts again, grass grows, flower blooms, gets to the fourth line, just before the
word "birds" and of course stops.
Poet: I need a couple of birds. (Get "birds.") On cue, you will chirp like birds, and
perhaps flap your arms.
He starts again, gets to the frogs, hits his head with his hand,
Poet: I forgot the frogs. (Get "frogs.") You guys know how to jump like frogs and
go "ribbitt?" Good. Remember, on cue.
Yet again, he starts from the beginning, and guess what happens when he gets
to the trees? You got it, Pontiac -- he gets 3 trees, spreads them a few feet apart
and instructs them to lift out their arms like tree branches, and wiggling their
fingers, of course on cue.
Poet: I think I may have it right this time.
Once more from the top he goes, and BEFORE he starts the last line, he gets the
victim,
Poet: Oops, I forgot the last person. (Get your victim now.) Now on cue, you
will simply run back and forth between these here trees. Got it? Great.
Once more he goes through the poem and gets through it all the way.
36. Nosebleed
One of those skits the kids can do really easily, but becomes rancid very quick.
Person with nosebleed, 3 Pedestrians, 4th Pedestrian
Nosebleed person is looking down at the ground. #1 comes in and looks around,
then down, and mumbles,

#1: Hmm, what’s going down, man? (No answer.)
#2 walks in, does the same thing, as does #3. #4 walks in, looks up for a
moment, then asks,
#4: What are you guys doing?
Nosebleed: I don’t know what these guys are doing, but I’ve got a nosebleed!
37. Would you Hold my Box?

Owner, 1st Pedestrian, 2 Friends, box
Setting: Street Corner
Owner: (Walking up to #1) Would you hold my box? I have to go into a store for a
moment.
#1: Sure! Be glad to.
#2: (Walks up.) Hey! What’s in the box?
#1: I don’t know. This guy comes up to me and hands it to me. Hey! It’s leaking!
Maybe it’s ice cream and it’s melting. Let’s taste it. (Taste drip)
Tastes like vanilla ice cream to me!
#2: (Tastes it.) Chocolate it is, my friend. Hey Joe! Try this -- what does it taste
like?
Joe: (Tastes it.) Definitely pistachio.
#1: Naw! It’s vanilla!
#2: I told you, it’s chocolate!
Owner comes back.
#1: Mister -- what’s in the box? Vanilla ice cream?
#2: Or chocolate?
Joe: It tastes like pistachio to me!
Owner: How foolish of you guys. That’s my pet dog!
Guys show disgusted faces.
38. Rise, Walk, and Kill, Igor

Dr. Mad, Igor, Bank Manager, Cable Company, Electrician
Setting: Dr. Mad’s Laboratory
Dr. Mad: (Talking to crowd, with one of those sinister, horror movies voices.)
I just love my new invention, Igor. He is a robot and is such a good servant.
I would just love to demonstrate him to you. (Someone knocks on the door.) Ah!
Here’s my chance. Come in!
Manager: Hello, Sir. I’ve come today to talk to you about your banking. It seems
your account is overdrawn by twenty million dollars.
Dr. Mad: Oh, please, come in. I would love to discuss this over coffee. But first,
may I show you my newest invention? This is Igor. You see, whenever I say,
Rise, Igor, he rises (Igor rises.) And if I say, Walk, Igor, he walks (Igor walks
toward manager.) And should I say, Kill, Igor, he kills (Igor strangles manager,
then lies down on his table.) This is so neat what I’ve invented. (Someone knocks
on door.) Oh, someone else is at the door. Coming!
Cableman: Hello, Sir. I’ve come today to disconnect the cable, because you
haven’t paid you cable bills in 6 months.

toward cableman.) And should I say, Kill, Igor, he kills (Igor strangles cableman,
then lies down on his table.) I say, what an invention. (Someone knocks on door.)
Oh, someone else is at the door. Coming!
Electrician: Hello, Sir. I’ve come today to talk about your power consumption and
how to reduce it. I seems that you are often short-circuiting the system.
toward electrician.) And should I say, Kill, Igor, he kills (Igor strangles electrician
then lies down on his table.) Without a doubt, a great invention. (To audience
again.) I am so impressed with myself and my invention. You see, all I have to do
is say, Rise, Igor and he gets up (Igor Rises.) Then I just say, Walk, Igor and he
walks (Igor walks to Dr. Mad.) And just by saying, Kill, Igor, I solve many
problems! (Igor strangles Dr. Mad.)
AHHHHHHHH!
39. The Viper

4 Kids, The Viper, rags, pump spray
#1: (Comes running in) The viper is coming in an hour! Hide! (Runs out)
#2: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in half an hour! Run!
(Runs out)
#3: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in 15 minutes! Call for help!
(Runs out)
#4: (A moment later; runs in) The viper is coming in 5 minutes! Save yourselves!
(Runs out)
Viper: (A moment later, with props) Hallo! I’m de Viper! Vere’s de Vindows?
40. Granny! Wake Up!

Grandson, Granny (2 people), Volunteer, Victim, campfire blanket(s)
Setting: In Granny’s Room
Granny is in bed (say on the floor,) and of course is covered with blankets.
Your two grannys lie down on their backs, as close together as possible, with
heads in opposite directions. The head of one is exposed, the other being
covered and where Granny’s "feet" are.
Try to figure out a way to set up the audience such that it seems like the right
way to be addressing Granny, such as Her being afraid of getting any worse and
wanting to be completely covered up to avoid getting cold.
Grandson: (To Granny) Granny! Wake Up! It’s time for your pill! (Pause -- no
response.) Granny! Wake Up! Oh no! She may be dead! (Ham it up, boys!)
My gosh, I’ll need some help! (Get volunteer.) Help me wake Granny!
Both of them: Granny! Wake UP! Wake Up!
Grandson: Oh, what ever will we do? She needs to take that pill! I think we need
more help! (Get victim.) Will you help us? Just call out with us to wake up
Granny.

All of them: GRANNY! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!
Grandson: Maybe if you stand over her and ask her for a sign that she’s still
alive.
Victim: OK. (Stands over her) Granny! Wake Up! Please! Give me a sign!
Granny’s "back end" rises up and hits him on the behind.
41. You Don’t Say!

An easy 2-person skit to place in those loose moments.
Person on the phone, Friend
Setting: Living Room
Person: (Phone rings, picks it up.) Hello? Yes? You don’t say ... You don’t say ...
You don’t say ... You don’t say? ... You don’t say! ... You don’t say. Bye!
Friend: Say, who was on the phone?
Person: He didn’t say!
42. Waiter!
Waiter, Customers
Setting: Restaurant
Customer 1: Waiter! There’s a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Shh! Everyone else will want one!
Same line continues on with other customers about a fly being in alphabet soup
(He’s learning to read!) What’s this fly doing in my soup? (The backstroke, Sir!)
There’s a fly in my soup! (Pass him a life preserver!) I just took a fly out of my
soup. What do you think you should do? (Give First Aid!)
Finally:
Last Customer: Waiter, did you know that there’s a fly in my ice cream, too?
Waiter: No! I didn’t know they were into winter sports!
43. Why Are You Late?

Known as "Mounted Scouts" in the Leader Magazine.
I once modified this to fit a space theme. You got it -- no changes to the plot or
the joke, just to a few details like a space ship, a 6-legged Aldabian glop, and a
rented air coaster which all broke down.
Boss, 4 Workers
Setting: Office
Boss: Why are you late?
#1: (Rushing into work, breathless.) Sorry I’m late, Boss. My car broke down, so I
took the bus. But the driver hit a tree, so I had to take a cab. And it broke down,
too. Fortunately, I was near a Cal.che so I borrowed the horse. But it ran so fast
that it had a heart attack and collapsed. I had to jog the rest of the way!
#2 & 3 come in late with exactly the same excuse. The boss becomes a little bit
more exasperated each time, until #4 finally comes in, late of course.
Boss: Why are you late? No, wait. Let me guess. Your car broke down, so you
took the bus. But the bus driver hit a tree, so you took a cab. And it broke down
too. Fortunately, you were near a Cal.che and so you borrowed the horse. But it
ran so fast that it had a heart attack and collapsed, so you had to jog the rest of

the way, right?
#4: No boss, you got it all wrong! The streets were so crowded with broken down
cars, buses and cabs, trees, dead horses, and worst of all some crazy joggers
that I couldn’t get through!
44. The Highest Jumper in the World

Another corny joke that doesn’t stand up well to repetition; the type that’s really
only good once a year, if that often (but then, isn’t that the way with any skit --
any skit will become rancid if you repeat it every time you have a campfire, and
not do any other?) An easy one or two person skit.
Announcer, HJITW
Setting: Boardwalk, Circus
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Let me introduce to you the highest jumper
in the world! He will amaze you by how high he can jump!
(HJITW tries several times to jump, but can’t get off the ground.)
45. The New Car

I know two versions of this one -- same punchline, though.
Salesman, Buyer, 5 People to be Tires, Victim
Setting: Car Showroom
4 of the tires are crouched in "tire" formation as on a car. The fifth is the spare
tire at the back.
Salesman: Here, Sir, is our latest and best model. It also has an unbelievably low
price. Let me show you the quality. (He "kicks" one of the tires – tire falls flat and
makes a hissing sound.) My, I’m so embarrassed. (He "kicks" another tire --
same thing happens. Start hamming it up, interacting more and talking with the
buyer, apologizing profusely and being very embarrassed. Salesman
successively kicks each tire until all 5 are kicked. Finally,)
Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim)
Do you think you can fix these flats? (Instructs him to lift up each tire and so on,
and each one rises to original position.) Well, I guess all that was needed was a
nut to hold it up!
Version 2
Salesman, Buyer, 4 people to be bicycles, Victim
The five "bicycles" are in doggy position.
Salesman: Here, Sir, is our most popular model. It also has an unbelievably low
price. Try it.
Buyer: OK -- (tries it) -- no, it’s not the right size.
Salesman: Then try this one. It’s go 25 gears and goes really fast.
Buyer: No, I don’t need that many.
Salesman: Alright, try this one.
Buyer: I don’t quite like the colour.
Salesman: This one is a great mountain bike; great reports from everyone.
Buyer: Hmmm... OK. Hey! I really like this!
All of a sudden the mountain bike collapses -- falls down.
Salesman: My, I’m so embarrassed. Are you sure you wouldn’t like to purchase

one of the other bicycles? They’re very good.
Buyer: Not really. I really liked this last one.
Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim.)
Do you think you can fix this bike? (Instructs him to lift up the bike and pull this,
tighten that.) Now Sir, try it.
Buyer: Hey! This is great! You’ve just sold this bike! What did your technician do?
Salesman: Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up!
46. A Talking Martian!

Requires a lot of imagination or some props to show that these guys are horses
and a martian.
2 Horses, Martian, perhaps some costumes
Setting: Race Track
If necessary, explain that these are two horses and a martian.
#1: You know, I had a bad day on the track today. My rider must have eaten a lot
last night, because he was a lot heavier than usual, so my back got really tired
and I almost tripped.
#2: I’ve had similar problems. My rider hits me in the side so much with his feet
that I can’t run because it hurts so much.
#1: Say, did you hear that the ugly mare is going to be entered into the grooming
contest? The mane on that thing just doesn’t compare to either of ours.
#2: You’re right. Things in the racing world just don’t seem to be fair to us horses.
Martian: You know, I could help you two out with your problems.
#1 & 2: Look! A talking martian!
47. The Biggest Turkey

An alternate ending follows the regular skit.
Box or suitable covering, Person in Box, Announcer, Victim, regular and serving
spoons, stick and log, paper and book, rubber chicken, small cue card
Setting: Circus, Boardwalk, Technology Show
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen! To demonstrate my enlarging machine, I will
need a volunteer! (Get your victim.) I need you to help me while I explain what is
going on. Now, look at what this machine can do! Please, will you put this spoon
into the machine? (He does, and out comes the serving spoon, noises.) Isn’t that
amazing, ladies and gentlemen! Now watch. (Victim puts in stick, and log comes
out.) My goodness, something to heat your home with! This is amazing! And
please put in this piece of paper. (Book comes out.) Even I am amazed! (Finally,
chicken is put in, and say you expect a turkey to come out. But cue card comes
out.) This is amazing! The machine says that the biggest turkey of them all is
right here!
An alternate ending is to complain about how slowly the machine is working, and
it needs to be washed. The operator throws a small cup of water on the side, and
a moment later a large bucket of water hits him.
48. The Operation

One that lead to my "Dr. Malak" gimmick at camp a few years ago. A shadow

show where you have the bright light behind you and the sheet between you and
the audience so that they see the shadows. Your heads can be seen over the top
and on the sides, but the action MUST be shadowed on the sheet and be the
main attraction. In case you decide not to use the shadow show, no problem. But
you need a high table or bench so make it looks "real."
Doctor, Nurse, Patient, bright light, white sheet, frying pan, kitchen knife, large
rope and wooden needle, all sorts of toys and other silly things to "take out" of
the patient’s belly.
Setting: Doctor’s Office
Patient: (Walking into office.) Doctor! I’m sick! I need your help.
Doctor: (Real whacko.) Oh, good, come here and I’ll fix you up good. Nurse,
anaesthetize the patient!
Patient: But Doctor! (Nurse "hits" him on the head with frypan; he passes out.)
Time to really ham it up; Doctor is real messy in opening up the patient with knife;
he "finds" all sorts of things in the belly, each time explaining that this is a good
part of the problem. Every once in a while during the action,
Patient: (Wakes up.) But Doctor!
Doctor: Nurse! Put him under! (Nurse hits patient with frying pan, restrains, etc.)
Finally, the doctor is finished and sews him up.
Doctor: (Tapping shoulder of the patient, who wakes up.) Do you feel better now?
Patient: But Doctor! I’ve got a cold!
49. The Well-Trained Elephant

Trainer, Two People to be the Elephant, blanket to cover, 4 Victims (or 3
Volunteers and one Victim; make sure elephant knows who the Victim is), cup of
water
Setting: Circus
Trainer: Ladies and gentlemen! I would like to show you the great tricks that my
trained elephant can do. For instance, he can count! Spot! Count to 5! (Spot
thumps 5 times on the ground.) Now I need some volunteers to help show just
how very well trained my elephant is! Please, lie down on the ground with some
space between you, and the elephant will do some amazing tricks! (Leads the
elephant over the people and it does very well, does not walk on them at all,
goes back and forth over them.) You see, it’s a very well trained elephant; it won’t
walk on you. (Ham it up and perhaps do a trick or two. Finally, the elephant spills
the water over the victims on a certain cue.) Oh, my, I guess I forgot to toilet train
it!
50. The Jump

One of those exceptionally good skits that is known out there but strangely is
rarely ever done; always a hit. (Probably any good joke makes an exceptional
skit; the key is not repeating it too often.)
Reporter, Doctor, Bus driver, Pilot, Mechanic, Cook, Tax Consultant (and/or just
about whoever you need -- the only constant is the Reporter.)
Setting: Cliff
Reporter: I haven’t had a single story in weeks, so I’m going to commit suicide by

jumping off this cliff. (Swings arms to 1,2,3) One ... Two ... (Suddenly,)
Doctor: Hey! What are you doing?
jumping off this cliff. Why are you here?
Doctor: I haven’t had a patient come to visit me in weeks. And I goofed all of the
operations I’ve filled in for. Hey! Why don’t we commit suicide together?
Reporter: That sounds great. (They swing arms to 1,2,3) One ... Two ...
Bus Driver: Hey! What are you doing?
jumping off this cliff.
Doctor: I haven’t had a patient come to visit me in weeks. And I goofed all of the
operations I’ve filled in for. So we’re going to commit suicide by jumping off this
cliff. Why are you here?
Bus Driver: I keep on having accidents with my bus, so they fired me. Hey! Why
don’t we commit suicide together?
Reporter and Doctor: That sounds great. (They swing arms to 1,2,3) One...
Two...
Pilot comes in at the same time and asks what’s going on -- same thing happens,
he gets asked why he’s here, so he says that he keeps on crashing planes. They
all are about to jump when the cook comes in, and the same thing happens, and
he says that he always burns the food he cooks. They all are about to jump when
the tax consultant comes in and explains, the same way the others did, that he
keeps giving bad tax advice and the government is jailing his customers for tax
fraud. Finally, they all are about to jump, and they do -- except for the reporter
who says,
Reporter: Hey! What a story!
51. Is a Train Passing Today?

Otherwise known as "Is The Train Comin’?" in the Leader Magazine. This is the
version I know and differs slightly, but really only in detail. Again, one of those
skits rarely done yet quite funny if done right.
Grandma, Grandpa
Setting: Train Station
Grandma: (In old voice) Grandpa, is a train passing from the south today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the south,
returns, and in an old voice,) No, Grandma.
Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the north today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the north,
returns.) No, Grandma.
Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the east today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the east,
Grandma: Grandpa, is a train passing from the west today?
Grandpa: (Hobbles over to station, checks the schedule, looks to the west,
Grandma: Good. We can cross the tracks now.

52. Shut Up!
Shut Up, Trouble, Police Officer, Narrator
Setting: Woods, Then a Police Station (as per narration)
Narrator: There once were a brother and sister called Shut Up and Trouble.
They liked to go on walks together. (SU & T are walking through the woods.)
One day, they were walking along in the woods together and Trouble got lost. (T
walks off; SU looks around but can’t find her.) So Shut Up went to the police
station to report a missing person.
Police officer: Can I help you? What’s your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up, Sir.
Police Officer: That’s a bit impolite. What’s your name, boy?
Police Officer: You should watch your manners, boy. What’s your name?
Police Officer: Young man, are you looking for trouble?
Shut Up: Yes, Sir, she’s lost! Do you know where she is?
53. Food, Water & Mirror on the Sahara

An easy 2-person skit if you have only one person who’s thirsty.
2 or 3 People, cup of water, combs, Narrator
Setting: Sahara Desert
Narrator: Here are some poor, thirsty men on the desert who’ve been stranded
on the desert for days. Let’s watch.
Two or three people are crawling, calling out for water. Time to really ham it up.
Finally, they see the cup of water and stagger for it, reaching out.
Finally, they get to the water and,
People: Ahhhh! (Relieved -- they take out combs, dip them in water and begin to
comb hair.)
54. You Need a Tie, Sir

Person, 3 Tie Salesmen, Maitre d’
Setting: Desert
Person: (Gasping) Water! I need water!
#1: Sir! Would you like to buy a tie? This one would look so good on you!
Person: I want water, not a tie!
#2: (After a pause) Sir! We’re having a tie sale. Would you like to buy a nice tie
for a great price?
Person: I’m dying of thirst, and you want to sell me a tie?
#3: (After a pause) Sir! I have these fine silk ties at reasonable prices.
Would you care to look at my stock?
Person: Sheesh! What kind of people sell ties in the middle of the desert to thirsty
people? (After a pause; looks to the distance) An oasis! I’m saved!
(Scrambles over.) Sir! Please! I would like to buy a glass of water!
Maitre d’: I’m sorry Sir, but you can’t enter this restaurant without a tie.

55. A Hot Meal!
Another one of those skits I know two versions of.
Version 1
3 Lost Campers
Setting: Woods
#1: Boy, am I hungry! We haven’t eaten in days!
#2: Me too.
#3: And I would just love a hot meal.
#1: (Looking to ground) Wow! A rabbit! Jump it! (#1 & 2 jump it and catch it; they
start to eat it.)
#2: (Looking back at #3) Would you like some?
#3: No thanks, I’m waiting for a hot meal.
#1: Suit yourself.
(A little later)
#2: Hey! A squirrel! Get it!
(#1 & 2 get it and start tearing it apart)
#1: (To #3) Would you like a morsel?
(A little later)
#1: Wow! A moose!
#2: Be very quiet. (#1 & 2 jump it and kill it; they start eating it)
#1: Look, there’s plenty here, we don’t need to keep it all to ourselves, even if we
did get this without your help. There’s too much to eat anyway. Want any?
#2: Are you sure? You haven’t eating anything for even longer than us two.
(After a while,)
#1: Boy, I’m stuffed.
#2: Me too. But I think I’m getting sick. (Throws up.)
#1: I’m sick, too. (Throws up.)
#3: Wow! A hot meal!
Version 2
5 People, Cabby
Setting: Outside of Restaurant
#1: Boy, what a meal. I really gorged myself.
#2: Me too.
#3: Eating that much makes it hard to walk. Let’s get a cab.
#4: Agreed.
#5: Taxi!
(They all get in.)
Cabby: Get ready for a good ride, boys.
The cabby pantomimes driving, going along like a race driver, swerving from side
to side, up and down hills, does a real roller coaster ride. Sort of like my driving, if
you’ve experienced it. The people swerve left to right with the driver, all hanging
on to dear life and lunch, until they all throw up.
Cabby: Wow! A five course meal!

56. Can You Do This?
2 People, campfire blanket
Have one person lie down on his back and the other kneel directly over him. The
top person wears the campfire blanket so as to hide his legs and expose the legs
of the person lying down, to create the effect of it being one person sitting down.
Person: Hi there! Welcome to Don’s House of Fine Exercises and Sports
Medicine. Today I’m going to ask you about your regular stretching routine. Can
you do this? (Lifts up a leg so that it’s parallel with the chest.) Or this? (Lifts other
leg.) And how about this? (Crosses the legs.) This is an unusual one. Can you do
it? (Brings feet around the neck.) And let’s not forget this one. Can you do it?
(Stretches out the legs in spread eagle fashion in the air.) (Elicit a no answer
from a volunteer.) Well, neither can I! (Stands up.)
57. 3 Guys in Crowded Heaven

One of those skits that needs reworking, and even after that might still be
inappropriate for younger audiences, and presumably less understood the
younger they get. Best way to rework it is to use the Sinking of the Titanic --
"When did the Titanic sink?" "In 1912." "How many people died?" "5,012" "Name
them." "Uhhh ..." Or perhaps "How have you suffered?" "I got badly burned
saving someone else." "Sorry!" "I worked day and night for low pay all my life
without holiday." "Sorry!" "I was in Scouter ***’s Troop." "Well come on right in!"
St. Peter, 3 People
Setting: Pearly Gates of Heaven
St. Peter: (To first person entering pearly gates) Since Heaven is so crowded,
you must first answer a skill testing question. Who was the first man?
#1: Easy. Adam! (Ding Ding Ding Ding! You win!)
St. Peter: (To second person entering pearly gates) Since Heaven is so crowded,
you must first answer a skill testing question. Who was the first woman?
#2: No Problem! Eve! (Ding Ding Ding Ding! You win!
St. Peter: (To third person entering pearly gates) Since Heaven is so crowded,
you must first answer a skill testing question. What was the first thing Eve said to
Adam?
#3: I’m not sure. That’s a hard one. (Ding Ding Ding Ding! You Win!)
58. Cub Shop

4 Shoppers, Storekeeper, Kid (in underwear, or nightgown), full uniform
Setting: Store
#1: I’d like to buy the Cub Shirt.
Storekeeper: Sure. One moment, please. (You hear the kid struggling with the
keeper in the background -- "No, you can’t have it!") (Comes back with a shirt.)
#2: I’d like to buy the accessories to the Cub Uniform.
keeper in the background -- "No, you can’t have them!") (Comes back with
accessories.)
#3: I’d like to buy the pants to go with the Cub Uniform.

pants.)
#4: I’d like to buy the right kind of shoes for the Cub Uniform.
shoes.)
Kid: (Comes running out in underwear/swim suit) How am I supposed to go to
Cubs without my uniform?
59. We Hit!
A silly repetition skit that gets the victim wet.
4-5 Crewmembers, Victim, cup of water
Setting: Submarine
Sit in a line just like in Veech Boton. Place your victim anywhere in the line but
make sure in advance you know where so that the person before or after has the
water.
Captain: (First in line) Fire #1!
(Goes down the line to end; make a sound of it exploding)
Captain: We missed! We have one more try! Fire #2!
(Goes down the line to end; make a sound of it exploding)
Captain: We missed! We’ll just have to try to outrun them! (They turn left and
right and left in sync, but finally,)
Captain: The hit us! Incoming water! (Throw water on victim.)
60. The Infantry is Coming!

A copy, I guess, of the Viper.
3-4 People, Person carrying a sapling
#1: (Runs in) The Infantry is coming! Go to the bomb shelters!
#2: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Save yourselves!
#3: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Let’s help them!
#4: (A moment later, runs in) The Infantry is coming! Let’s watch the tanks!
(A moment later)
Person: And here it is, the Infant Tree.
61. Keep Canada Beautiful Contest

Otherwise known as "The Contest" in the Leader Magazine. Text from The Best
of the Leader Cut Out Pages.
6 Cubs
Setting: Five Cubs Sitting in Their Clubhouse (indicated by appropriate signs)
playing a game.
Cub 1: (Runs in, very excited) Hey, you guys! Did you hear about the big
contest?
Cub 2: What contest? What’s it about?
Cub 1: The "Keep Canada Beautiful Contest," that’s what!
Cub 3: Are there prizes? A contest is no good without prizes.

Cub 1: Sure, lots of prizes. Neat ones like bicycles and radios, and lots of good
stuff!
Cub 4: (Gloomily) I bet it’s hard. Contests with neat prizes are always hard.
Cub 1: Nope! It’s easy. Even the rules say it’s SIMPLE -- in big letters.
The winner is the one who picks the easiest way.
Cub 5: The easiest way to do what?
Cub 1: The easiest way to keep Canada Beautiful. That’s what I’ve been talking
about!
Cub 6: (With a swagger) Ha! Then I’m a cinch to win!
Cub 1: Why’s it so cinchy for you? What’s your great way to keep Canada
beautiful?
Cub 6: (Takes out comb and combs his hair) See! That’s the easiest way I know
to keep Canada Beautiful.
The others look at him, then at each other. Quickly they surround him, carry or
drag him to a large box marked TRASH, and dump him in.
Cub 1: Like he said, fellahs, we’re a cinch to win! That’s the easiest way I know
to keep Canada beautiful. (they exit, laughing while Cub 6 stands up in the trash
box with a disgusted look on his face.)
62. Trimming the Christmas Tree

Otherwise known as "Trimming the Tree" in the Leader magazine. Text from The
Best of the Leader Cut Out Pages.
Mother, Father, Child, scout staff with sprig of evergreen lashed to the top;
materials to make snipping and sawing sounds (you can pre-record these on
cassette tape.)
Setting: Kitchen
Mother is on stage, father and child out of sight.
Father tells child to go ask mother how the tree looks.
Child runs onstage and asks.
Mother peers through imaginary kitchen window, hints and says it needs more off
this side.
Child runs off stage and repeats her directions. Sounds of sawing, snipping, etc.
Repeat several times, with mother pointing in different directions each time,
father perhaps becoming impatient, and child becoming more and more tired.
Finally many sounds of sawing and snipping. Father marches on stage with staff,
show it to mother and audience.
Father: Now is it right?!?
63. Join the Army!

Army Recruiter, Trainees
Setting: Gymnasium
Recruiter: (To audience) Join the army and learn some great skills! You can
become rough and tough like me! For instance, you can learn wrestling! (Two
trainees wrestle on the floor) And how about judo! (Trainees do a judo flip)
And Tai-Chi! (Trainees do Tai-Chi moves.) And my personal favourite, Karate!
(Tries a Karate chop on a trainee; trainee blocks it, recruiter hurts himself and

runs away crying.)
64. Brain Shop

Yet another skit I became famous for.
Customer, Shopkeeper
Setting: Brain Shop
Customer: Hi! I’m bored with myself. I’d like to buy a new brain and have an all
new personality.
Shopkeeper: (In one of those evil, horror movie voices) Ahh, yes. Well, I can sell
you this brain from Billy Crystal for $5000. Here. Try it. ("Unscrews" head and
plops in pretend brain.) How do you feel?
Customer: (In Billy Crystal style voice) Marvellous. I ... feel ... marrrvelous. But I
don’t think it’s me. Can I try another?
Shopkeeper: Okay. Let me see. (Rummages around.) Let’s try this one. It’s the
brain from Captain Kirk. Only $5000.
Customer: (In Kirk voice) Scotty ... Can you fix those transporters? No, a bit too
famous for me.
Shopkeeper: Sure. I’ll go out back. (Rummages around in back of store.)
Here’s one from Ronald Reagan. It only costs $5000. How do you feel?
Customer: (In Ronald Reagan style voice) Wellll ... Bonzo, stop that ... I think that
this one’s still a bit too famous for me.
Shopkeeper: Hmmmm. A tough customer. I’ll have to go down to the basement.
I’ll be back. (Customer comments on the kind of brains he has gotten and what
kind he’ll get next.) Ahhh, here we are. The best in the house, not famous at all. I
guarantee you’ll love it. Only $15000. (Yes ... $15000.)
Customer: (Imitates a leader in the crowd for some notorious act, such as putting
up the sign and calling out "PACK!" or admonishing the kids or doing a famous
routine or the like.) Hmmm ... this is good. But I recognize it. No, wait ... it’s
(Insert name of person.) I love it! But tell me ... the brains of those three famous
people only cost $5000 apiece. This one, however, comes from a virtually
unknown, unimportant person. Why does it cost $15000?
Shopkeeper: Well, it’s never been used!
65. Pet Shop

I loved it when I heard it, and it got passed on to some kids, who did well with it.
Customer, Shopkeeper
Setting: Pet Shop
Customer: I’d like to buy a turtle.
Shopkeeper: Well, here’s one of the only three turtles I have left -- they sell real
well out here but turtle shipments are few and far between.
Customer: Gee, thanks! Just the kind I was looking for, too!
Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is a little distraught.
Customer: Look! He’s dead already! How old was he?
Shopkeeper: Here, here. Let me see. Hmm. Look, having pets die on customers
on the first day they buy them is bad for business, so here’s a new one. No
charge.

Customer: Thank you! That’s so gracious of you.
Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is more distraught.
Customer: Are you sure these turtles are okay? This one died on me too!
Shopkeeper: Let me see. Hmm. Well, here’s the last of my three turtles, and
though I won’t get another shipment for a while, you can have it for free.
Customer: You are the nicest man I know. Thank you so much!
Later, customer comes in with dead turtle and is hysterical and crying.
Customer: What are you trying to do to me? This one died too!
Shopkeeper: Let me see this. This is bugging me too. Say. They all have
scratches on the shells. Why? What were you doing with them?
Customer: (Sniffing) Well, I was only trying to give my car a turtle wax!
66. The Pirate Family

A good joke on Scouting. Of course it can be easily modified, but keep the
punchline.
Pirate Parents, three or four Pirates, one or two Beavers, Cubs or Scouts in full
uniform
Mom: You know, we came from a great lineage of pirates. All were really mean
and ferocious. For instance, there was Long John Silver.
LJS: (Comes out) Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of Rum! Let’s see if I can catch that
bum!
Dad: And of course we can’t forget Captain Hook.
Hook: (Comes out) Let’s get that Peter Pan once and for all!
Mom: Then there was Captain Kidd that nobody was afraid of. But he was still a
great pirate.
Kidd: (Comes out, looks funny) I may look funny but I’m great with a sword.
(And he proves it.)
Mom & Dad: But look at us! All we had were Cubs! (Cubs walk out.)
67. What’s 2+2?

Again, one of those pirate theme skits that can be easily modified (such as it
being the boss to employees.)
Captain, three or four Pirates
Setting: On the Bridge (Or Deck of a Ship)
Captain: First Mate! What’s 2+2?
1st Mate: Duh! One, Sir!
Captain: Good! Bosun! What’s 2+2?
Bosun: Uhh ... let’s see ... (Counts on fingers) Uhh ... Five, Sir!
Captain: No problem! Gunner! What’s 2+2?
Gunner: Sheesh, Captain! Why give me all the hard ones?
Captain: Great! Cook! What’s 2+2?
Cook: Let’s see. Two apples and two potatoes makes ... (Thinks) Two apples
and two potatoes, Sir!
Captain: Pleased to hear it! You! Floor Scrubber! What’s 2+2?
Scrubber: Four, Sir!
Captain: Off with his head! (Cuts off head with sword.)

Servant: Beggin’ the Captain’s pardon, Sir! I think everyone else got it wrong, but
the floor scrubber got it right. Why did you kill him?
Captain: He’s too smart! He might go after my job some day!
68. The Ghost of Midnight

This one is similar to the Ghost With One Black Eye, but each is different enough
to merit their own title, I guess (after all, going through all of the skits, you’ll
realise that many skits are simple variations on another.)
Ghost, Family asleep in house
Setting: House at Night
Ghost: (Going up to Mom, wakes her up -- uses scary ghost voice.) I am the
Ghost of Midnight!
Mom: Ahhh!
Ghost: (To Dad -- same thing.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!
Dad: I’m getting out of here!
Ghost: (To son.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!
Son: Help! Mommy!
Ghost: (To daughter.) I am the Ghost of Midnight!
Daughter: (Looks at watch.) Aww, shutup! It’s only 11:45!
69. What’s the Problem?

I started wondering about this one and as cute as it is, it really only is a skeleton.
Maybe you could use it as a gag to either place in the order as with any other
skit, or get the campfire chief involved, so that when he calls up the group, you
can make it look like they really don’t have a skit. You know, call them up, have
one person start to cry, another, and at the appointed time, have the chief ask,
"Let’s get a move on. Get your skit moving! We’re having a campfire here." "But
we don’t have a skit!"
Leader, three or four Kids, Campfire Chief (in campfire blanket)
Setting: Tent Area
Swasin: (Crying on stage)
Kid 1: (Sees leader; goes to him.) Swasin! What’s the problem?
Swasin: (Whispers in kid’s ear.)
#1 begins to cry too.
#2: Hey! What’s the problem?
#1 whispers in #2’s ear, and he starts crying too. Continue with #3 and #4.
Finally, Campfire Chief comes around.
Chief: Hi! I’ve come around to collect skit names for the campfire tonight!
Hey! What’s the problem?
All: We don’t have a skit!
70. Did You Have V-8?

Weakling, three or four Thugs, Old Lady, Director, Cameraman
Setting: Street Corner Set in a Studio
Weakling: Hi there. I’m advertising the great effects this wonderful vegetable
cocktail, V-8, has on your stamina. You, Sir. (To a tough looking thug.) Did you

have your V-8 today?
Thug: Duh, no. Real men don’t drink V-8.
Weakling: Sure they do. Watch! (He beats up thug.) See? I had my V-8 today!
You Sir! Did you have your V-8 today?
Thug 2: (Has crowbar) No, I don’t need it!
Weakling: Sure you do. (He beats up thug.) You can tell I do! And you Sir!
Did you have your V-8 today?
Thug 3: Ask me again and I’ll beat you up.
Weakling: Heh, heh. Did you have your V-8 today? (Thug tries to beat him up,
but weakling takes care of him no problem.) So you see, having your V-8 is great
for you.
An old lady walks in; weakling looks puzzled, whispers to director saying he
hadn’t heard about an old lady in the script; director says to go on and ask her
anyway.
Weakling: Excuse me, Ma’am. Did you have your V-8 today?
Old lady: As a matter of fact, young man, I did -- and I’ll prove it! (She beats him
up.)
71. I’m Gonna Get You!

One of those mundane skits that I probably should have weeded out. I’m
probably being too careful in stressing this, but be careful that any reference to
getting to the PB at the end and the notion of killing is vague -- we don’t need to
condone people going around trying to kill people in their sleep. And anyway, it’s
cute and I am partial to PB.
Murderer, BUTTER knife, Jar of peanut butter, Sleeping Family Members
Setting: In House at Night When All Are Asleep
Thief is looking around the house, with a flashlight perhaps and holding the
BUTTER knife (anything else would be overkill, and dangerous) and is always
saying, "I’m gonna get you!" in a way that COULD suggest he’s trying to find the
members to kill them in their sleep. Be CAREFUL to only make references that
are VERY vague. He goes around in the different rooms of the house, sometimes
saying, "Not here," perhaps in reference to sleeping people. Finally,
Murderer: Ahh! They sure do keep the peanut butter in a crazy place in this
house! (Starts to enjoy the PB using the butter knife.)
72. Good Soup!

Known by the same title in the Leader Magazine.
Three or four Cubs or Scouts, Cook, Tub
Setting: Kitchen
#1: (Over tub, tasting contents) Good Soup!
#2: Yeah, Good Soup!
#3: I know! Good Soup!
#4: None better than this! Good Soup!
Cook: (Comes running in) Get out of my dishwater!
73. News Flash!

Another leader and I had fun doing this one -- he was the editor, and boy, did
those Beavers in the front row get a scare when he threw himself to the floor!
Reporter, Editor, toy gun
Setting: Newsroom
Editor: Okay, you’re new on the job, so I’ll give you a tip. You have to go and get
a current story. Something new.
Reporter: Right, boss. Great news.
Goes out, comes running back in.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! Two weeks ago John Doe died falling into a manhole!
Editor: That’s old news. I told you, something more recent.
Reporter: Fine, boss. Something newer.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! A week ago there was fire downtown!
Editor: (A little annoyed.) That’s still old news. Something even more recent.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! A car wreck two days ago!
Editor: (Annoyed) No good! Too old! Something new! That’s why they call it
news!
Reporter: Boss! Boss! Editor of a major newspaper got shot today!
Editor: (Interested) Oh really? Who?
Reporter: You! (Shoots him with toy gun, and the editor falls to the ground.)
74. I’m Russian!

One of those skits that may be inappropriate.
4 Russians, 1 Person late for work
All actors come out one at a time, using Russian accents except the last person.
#1: (Comes out) I’m Russian!
#2: I’m Russian! Thank you! (Bows.)
#3: I’m Russian! Qvestions?
#4: I’m Russian!
#5: I’m late for work and I’m rushin’ too!
75. Have You Seen my Belly Button?

Dog owner, Passengers on bus, stuffed animal
Setting: City Bus
Owner goes around on the bus asking people if they’ve seen his Belly Button.
Some ignore him, women gasp, people are horrified, some respond, "The nerve
of him!" "How crude!" "What a rude person!" Finally he spots the toy and
exclaims,
Person: Ah! Belly Button! There you are, you bad dog!
76. Learning the Alphabet

Teacher, Kid
Setting: Classroom
Kid: (To teacher) May I go to the washroom?

Teacher: First you have to recite the alphabet.
Kid recites the alphabet BUT leaves out the letter P.
Teacher: You forgot the letter P. What happened to it?
Kid: It’s running down my pants!
77. The New Badge

Leader, 3 or 4 Kids
Setting: Meeting Hall
Leader: Boys, they’re having a contest to redesign the World Conservation
Badge. So you guys should try to come up with some ideas.
Kids: Sure thing, Akela.
After a pause, #1 comes in.
#1: Here’s an idea, Akela.
Leader: Hmm... not bad. But isn’t that too dull?
#2: Akela! Look at this!
Leader: Really nice, but the design is too complicated for the badgemakers to put
on a badge.
#3: I have a really good one, Akela!
Leader: Very good. But I think it’s too big.
#4: This is it Akela! It’s sure to be a winner!
Leader: This is perfect! It’s bright enough, simple to make, and the right size.
Where did you come up with this idea?
#4: It’s a copy of the old badge!
78. The Babies & Dads

Doctor, three Dads
Setting: Hospital
Doctor: Mr. Thompson, congratulations. You’re the proud father of twins!
Thompson: What a coincidence -- I come from Two Mountains!
Later,
Doctor: Mr. Smith, you now have triplets!
Smith: That’s quite astonishing! I come from Three Rivers!
Third father faints; doctor revives him.
Doctor: Mr. Smart -- what’s wrong? Your wife hasn’t even given birth yet!
Smart: I come from Thousand Islands!
79. Firing Squad

Probably taken from "You Can’t Do That on Television."
Rifle squad, Commander, Person to be executed
Setting: Jail
Person about to executed is standing at pole, doing a crossword puzzle.
Commander: Ready, aim ... What are you doing?
Person: The crossword puzzle from today’s New York Times. A real tough one.
Commander: Did you know I’m about to have you executed?
Person: Sure. Here ... a four letter word meaning burning ... Hmm ... Do you have
any idea?

Commander: Four letters -- burning -- (takes puzzle, walks in front of pole,
person sneaks away) -- F-I-R-E ! FIRE! It fits!
Firing squad shoots and he buckles over with one of those knowing looks on his
face.
80. Jumbo Burgers

2 People, Radio Voice
Setting: Park
#1: Boy, what a lunch! Those Jumbo Burgers were really strange -- but good. I
wonder why they wouldn’t tell us what kind of meat was in it?
#2: Oh, you know, they tell that, then people will expect the kinds of spices and
other ingredients they put in and they’ll lose their secret recipe.
#1: You’re right. But I’m still curious.
#2: Yeah, but forget it. Maybe we’ll go back tomorrow and have another. Let’s
turn on the radio.
Radio Voice: Jumbo the Elephant from Lodge’s travelling circus died last night
during a performance from a heart attack. And for this week’s "Poor Taste"
award, given to restaurants for serving poor quality food, goes to Richi’s Burger
House. It appears that they have been serving "Jumbo Burgers" whose origins
seem to be a little vague ....
(Guys realize what they ate and start to throw up.)
81. Big Itch

Guy, 4 People on lunch break
Setting: Park Bench
Guy is sitting on park bench.
Guy: I’m waiting for my girlfriend. I hope she comes soon.
(Luncher #1 sits on bench and moves him over. #2 sits on end and they move
over, further pushing guy. #3 comes, and #4 comes, each in turn pushing the guy
a little until he falls off. Really annoyed, he starts to scratch himself a little, then a
little more then all over. Lunchers look at each other, start scratching a little bit
then hurriedly leave.)
Guy: (Sitting on bench again) Works all the time!
82. Learning English

Yet another which may be considered inappropriate.
Narrator, French Person, Storekeeper, Border Guard
Narrator: This man (indicate French person) wanted to learn English so that he
could go to the US to do some shopping. So he went to a store and bought a
radio (transaction made with shopkeeper.) He listened to it all the time until
finally, when he thought that his English was good enough, he went to the
border.
Border Guard: Where are you going, Sir?
Frenchman: (Crackles a response, like radio with bad reception.)
83. Saloon

2 Cowboys, Sheriff, Goofball
Setting: Saloon
#1 & 2 and the sheriff are in talking to each other while goofball is polishing his
gun.
#1: I’m so brave that I once faced a pit full of hissing, poisonous snakes and shot
each one before I climbed out.
#2: That’s nothing. I once was all alone helping all sorts of people when a flood
came through town.
Sheriff: I’m really brave, that’s why I’m sheriff. I once put away 20 bad guys all by
myself.
(Goofball’s gun fires accidentally.)
Goofball: (All three guys run off, really scared.) Gee, I was only washing my gun!
84. The Wrong Skit

For this skit, you need a character from a known skit -- one that was done
previous to this one during the campfire, for instance. It doesn’t matter who it is
or what he’s doing, as long as he’s immediately recognisable, and of course you
use the punchline, "(Looks around; in normal voice,) Oh, sorry! I’m in the wrong
skit!"
Announcer, Peanuts
Setting: Stage
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Welcome to the Greatest
Show on Earth! Tonight’s show will include ....
Peanuts: (Stumbles in with ripped shirt, backwards pants, beat up, in cuckoo
voice.) Judge! I like to smash Peanuts with a hammer ... (Looks around; in
normal voice,) Oh, sorry! I’m in the wrong skit!
85. Ghost With One Black Eye

Ghost, 3 Pedestrians
#1: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! A loony!
Ghost: (Comes out; scary voice.) I am the Ghost with one black eye!
(#1 scared; drops loony; runs away)
#2: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! A dollar!
Ghost: (comes out) I am the Ghost with one black eye!
(#2 scared; drops loony; runs away)
#3: (Bends over; picks up coin.) Wow! Money!
Ghost: (Comes out.) I am the Ghost with one black eye!
#3: Keep it up, and you’ll get another!
86. The Heart Attack

Heart Attack Victim, 2 "Rescuers"
HAV is walking down the street and all of a sudden, he falls to the ground,
holding his chest. Two men come up and seeing this, they begin CPR.
#1: Mister! (Claps hands.) Hmm. Check for breathing! I’ll check for a pulse!

(nothing) We need to do CPR. Give AR!
#2: (Does two breaths)
#1: (Pumping chest, counting aloud) 1,2,3,4....15! Again!
(Repeats 3 times; then checks; then.)
#1: Okay -- check for breathing, and I’ll check for a pulse! (They check.)
Nothing! Switch!
All THREE, including victim, switch places!
87. The 5th Floor

I was involved in the portrayal of this skit once in New York. I, of course, was
Don, and my "friend" played the part really well. When I was telling Suzanne, for
instance, about her hair and to use mousse, he butted in and said, "You mean
Canadian moose?" And Mr. G. was great. I would nitpik about the colour being
just so, pointing out the part, and he would swat me away like a fly while I was
going on about the colour. Too bad that the crew filming us decided not to show
our piece, but the event was for the kids.
Don, Mrs. G., Mr. G., Suzanne, Gary, Friend
Setting: Don is telling his friend a story about his strange friends.
Don: You know, in my friends’ house, they have four floors. And each member of
the family occupies a floor. The other day, for instance, I went to the kitchen on
the first floor, and Mrs. G. was making a roast. I told her, "Mrs. G., you should
bake it at 375 degrees." But she told me,
Mrs. G.: (Slaps him in face) Don, you’re not making this roast. Keep quiet.
Don: Then I went to the second floor. Mr. G. was working on his model airplane. I
said, "Mr. G., you should paint this part red." He told me,
Mr. G.: (Slaps him in face) Don, you’re not making this plane. Keep quiet.
Don: Then I went to the third floor. Suzanne was doing on her hair. I said,
"Suzanne, you should use some mousse." She spun around, really annoyed, and
tells me,
Suzanne: (Slaps him in face) Don, it’s not your hair. Keep quiet.
Don: I was losing my nerve, but I went to the fourth floor anyway. Gary was doing
his homework. I suggested, "If you type it out, it’ll look better and you’ll get a
better grade." He got really angry and told me,
Gary: (Slaps him in face) Don, it’s not your report. Keep quiet.
Teller: Finally, I figured I’d go to the fifth floor and ...
Friend: But wait a minute. You said there were only four floors!
Teller: (Slaps him in the face) Keep quiet! This is my skit!
88. Bus Driver

Several Passengers, Bus Driver, "Stinky"
Setting: Bus
Bus driver drives the bus along the route, and at each stop, more and more
people get off the bus, holding their noses, telling the driver to hurry up, pushing
against each other, running off the bus, until finally only Stinky and the Driver are
left on the bus.
Driver: (Talking to Stinky) Hey! All my passengers left. You know anything about

it? (Smells something awful.) Hmm. Something smells -- it must be you.
Did you wash this morning?
Stinky: Yes.
Driver: Hmm. Deoderant?
Stinky: Yes.
Driver: Hmm. Clean shirt?
Stinky: Yes.
Driver: Clean underwear?
Stinky: Yes.
Driver: Change your socks?
Stinky: Sure! Here are the old ones!
89. The Thirsty Fisherman

5 fisherman, and props to show a boat, water level (about two feet off floor), and
a bench
Setting: Fishing on a lake
#1: I’m thirsty, but the cooler’s on the beach. I guess I’ll have to go get one there.
(He seems to walk on water, by walking on the bench, and comes back. #5 is
interested.)
confused.)
(He seems to walk on water, by walking on the bench, and comes back.)
#5: How do you do that? (Doesn’t get an answer.)
perplexed.)
#5: Okay. Let me try this.
(He tries to walk on water, but begins to sink into the water.)
#3: Should we have told him where the rocks are?
90. The Screwy Navel

Story Teller, Boy, several chararacters such as Mom, Dad, Bro, Sis, Drunk,
Repairman, Priest, Clerk, Bus Driver, and so on.
Teller: There once was a little boy who had a screw instead of a belly button, and
was always curious about it. Finally one day he asks his Mom,
Boy: Mommy, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else?
Mom: (Brushing him away,) I don’t have time right now. Ask your father.
Teller: The boy goes to his father and asks him the same question. (He asks;
gets the same type of answer ("Paying the bills.") He goes around to several
people in the town to whom he is refered by the last person, but always getting
the same type of answer. Finally, he goes to the priest.)
Boy: Father, why do I have a screw instead of a belly button like everyone else?
Priest: My son, only God knows of such things. You should pray and ask him.
Boy: Thank you, Father. (Begins praying.) God, why do I have a screw instead of

a belly button like everyone else?
Teller: All of a sudden, a big hand appears with a large screwdriver, connects
with his screw, and turns. All of a sudden the boy falls down and hears,
God: The screw is there to hold you together!
91. Bear Hunt

I suppose a variation on A Talking Martian! and Saloon.
Bear, two hunters
Setting: The woods
#1: (Whispering) Ah! There’s a bear! I can shoot it and I’ll have my take for the
day! (Bang! And the bear falls down.) Well, I’ll go get some rope to drag it.
#2: No! It’s mine!
#1: Hey! I shot that bear myself. It’s clearly mine.
#2: Look. You couldn’t have shot that bear if I didn’t drive us here.
#1: Well, I’ve got news for you. I just killed that bear. It’s mine.
#2: And another thing, ...
The two continue arguing when all of a sudden, the bear rises, growls, and
frightens the two hunters away.
92. Border Crossing

I suppose a variation on The Ghost of Midnight and The Ghost With One Black
Eye.
Border Guard, Supervisor, Several Crossers, 2 Brooms
Guard: Hi, Boss! I’m new here! What do I do?
Supervisor: Well, you have to make sure that people don’t try to cross the border
without stopping first. You can shoot at them if you have to.
Guard: With what?
Supervisor: Well, we’re out of guns, so here’s a broom. People won’t know the
difference if you just go Bang! Bang! Bang!
Guard: Ok. (He goes to the side, and someone tries to cross without stopping, so
he shoots at him. The crosser falls.) Boss! Boss! It worked!
Supervisor: See? I told you. Now whenever it doesn’t work, here’s a pretend
bayonnet. If they don’t fall from the fake gun, you can always try stabbing them.
he shoots at him. It doesn’t work, so he tries stabbing him. The crosser falls.)
Boss! Boss! It worked!
Supervisor: See? I told you. Now go to work and don’t stop until your shift is
finished.
he shoots at him. It doesn’t work, so he tries stabbing him. It doesn’t work either.)
Boss! Boss! What do I do?
Before boss answers, crosser points a broom at the guard and goes Bang! Bang!
Bang! and the guard falls.
93. The Shrimpy Boxer

I know two versions to this one, though I’ve never seen either "officially"

performed (just practiced.)
Version 1
Announcer, big boxer, 72 pound weakling, frypan
Announcer: Ladies and Gents! May I bring your attention to the center ring where
we will have our main attraction! Little John will be fighting against a new
contender, named Shrimpy! 1-2-3 Go!
They box -- Shrimpy gets hit this way, that way, is really losing until at the last
moment, he throws one weak punch and Little John falls unconscious.
Announcer: 1! 2! 3! Shrimpy wins! Now let’s look at that in slow motion!
Boxers get up, and the scene repeats itself slowly in slow motion, and when
Shrimpy is throwing his punch, someone quickly -- and I mean unaffected by
slow motion -- runs up and swings the frypan against Little John’s head.
Version 2
Similar to the above, but it never gets to the fight. The Announcer is explaining
the rules and says "We’ll have none of this!" (kicks Little John in the groin) "Or
this!" (breaks arm over his knee) "Or this!" (kicks in the knees)
"And of course this! is prohibited!" (hits over the head with the frypan)
"Understood? Good! Go!" And of course one weak punch from Shrimpy knocks
him out.
94. Doggie Doo

Two friends, doggie doo
Setting: Street
Two friends are walking along the street, perhaps having a conversation about
something, taliking about a movie or the latest hockey scores, when all of a
sudden --
John: Hey Frank! Watch out! That may be doggie doo! Smell it to see if it smells
like doggie doo!
Frank: (Smells it) Yep! Smells like doggie doo!
John: Touch it to see if it feels like doggie doo!
Frank: (Touches it) Yep! Feels like doggie doo!
John: Taste it to see if it tastes like doggie doo!
Frank: (Tastes it) Yep! Tastes like doggie doo!
John: Well! It’s a good thing we checked and didn’t walk in it!
95. The Dangerous Tent

2 guys, 2 bikers
Setting: Campground
#1: Well, time to go to bed. AND I GET THE TENT! (Beats up little guy.)
#2: But... Oh well, it’s no use. (He sets up his sleeping bag under the stars.)
Bikers: (Make motorcycle noises & come in.) Ha! Ha! Let’s beat up this guy!
(They beat up little guy.)
Next morning,
#2: Hey! Last night some bikers came here and beat me up!
#1: You’re just jealous that I took the tent. Be a man.
The next night and morning, the same routine occurs, with the little guy

complaining even more. Finally, the big guy lets the little guy have the tent, with
much ado about him being a wimp. That night,
Bikers: (Make motorcycle noises & come in.) You know, I think we’ve beat up on
the guy outside enough the past two nights. Let’s beat up the guy inside the tent
tonight!
96. The Complaining Monk

I got this one off of my Part II Scouts. The Trainers did a wonderful job of it and at
the blessing just before the monk says his two words, the Abbot would say, in the
typical chant tune, "My father plays Dominoes better that your father does..."
which was of course hilarious. Having, by pure coincidence, a monk suit with me
at the time, my patrol did a skit the following night ("What the heck was that!")
that incorporated a monk that chanted, "My father plays Dominoes better than
those two guys from last night..." It of course brought the house down. Too bad
our punchline not only was nowhere near good enough a line to follow up but
was also screwed up.
Monk, Abbot, narrator
Scene: Abbot’s office
Narrator: This skit is about the monks in a monastery who are only allowed to
speak two words every ten years. Our friendly monk is about to come in and say
his two words, after ten long years of silence.
Abbot: (Chants some blessing, then,) Yes, my son, what do you wish to say?
Monk: Bad food!
Narrator: Well, ten years have gone by, and of course our friendly monk’s time
has come again to say his two words. He of course is not quite as young as he
used to be, and walks a touch more slowly.
Monk: Uncomfortable bed!
Narrator: Well, yet another ten years have gone by, and of course our friendly
monk’s time has come again to say his two words. He is really old at this point,
having been at the monastary for thirty, long, devoted years.
Monk: I quit!
Abbot: I’m not surprised! You’ve been here for thirty years and all you’ve done is
complain!
97. What the Heck Was That?

Story linked to this one same as above. You can also have everyone audition for
the same line or have them try out for different parts, and of course ham it up to
reflect this.
Actors, directors, Gus
Scene: Theatre
Director: Okay! Who’s next for the auditions? You? Okay! Let’s hear you!
Actor #1: I’m trying out for the part of the Unknown Soldier. (He lies down, dead.)
Director: Don’t call us, we’ll call you. Next!
Actor #2: I’m trying out for the President ordering the men into action. Men, we

must unite to beat the foe and protect the people!
Director: Very nice. We’ll call your agent. Next!
Actor #3: I’m trying out for the part of the dying soldier. (He dies a very painful,
emotional death.)
Director: Sorry! Try out for the next movie. Ok! Let’s wrap it up!
Gus comes running in.
Gus: Oh please, Sir, I really would like a part in your play! I really need a break!
Just a small part, Pleeeeeease, Pretty Please, with sugar on top?
Director: Fine. All you have to do is call out "Oh my Gosh, it’s a cannon!" when
you hear a loud boom. Take a moment to practice while we load it up.
Gus practices the line with several different voices, poses, etc.
Director: Ok, let’s get a move on! I want to leave!
(Loud boom from backstage.)
Gus: What the heck was that?!?!?!?
98. The Announcement

A five second gag to put into a loose moment.
Campfire chief and a volunteer in the audience
Campfire Chief: And now it’s time to make a spot announcement. (Dog barks
from the audience.) Thank you Spot.
99. The Frightened Hunter

Story teller, hunter, game warden
The story teller tells the story, while the hunter pantomimes the story and his
actions. The game warden comes in on cue.
Story Teller: There once was this hunter who was hunting for several years in the
same location. Every year, he would see a deer grazing on the edge of a cliff,
which was just outside the allowed hunting zone. The deer would never come
into the hunting zone. Now this was a very big deer, and would have been a
wonderful prize. But the hunter was always unsure, and didn’t want to lose his
licence. Finally one year, the hunter decided that he was going to shoot the deer
anyway, as he wasn’t having much luck. He went up to the deer, saw that it was
dead, and threw it over his right shoulder, then put his gun over his left shoulder.
All of a sudden, the game warder came up to him.
Game Warden: Excuse me, sir, I was just watching you. What’s that over your
shoulder?
Hunter: (looking over left shoulder) That’s my hunting rifle.
Game Warden: And what’s that over your other shoulder?
Hunter: (looking over right shoulder, and shakes off the deer) AAHHHHHH!
100. The Candy Shop

Yet another I got off of my Scout Part II and of course has the distinguished
honour of being skit #100 (despite not necessarily being the hundredth I’ve seen
or even the hundreth to appear in this list (a few having been put in then weeded
out shortly thereafter) -- having seen all sorts of good and lots more either
inherently bad skits, bad renditions of skits or both in my day, having forgotten

some and remembered others -- but it’s somewhere around there. This one was
really hammed up and included the kid walking up in a dance kind of way and the
old storekeeper, being old, very laboriously climbing up a ladder, getting the
candy jar, coming down, counting out the candies, and so on.
Old storekeeper, very young kid (4 years old)
Setting: Candy Shop
Kid: (Kid walks up to storekeeper and asks) I want five of those penny candies
way up at the top.
Storekeeper: You mean those penny candies, way, way, waaaaaayy up top?
Kid: Yes, please.
Storekeeper: Sigh! (Kid takes innocent pleasure in watching the storekeeper go
up.)
Storekeeper climbs up and get him five candies, and receives the five cents.
This scene repeats itself several times over 3 more days, with the storekeeper
being more and more tired each time and becoming equally more frustrated until,
Storekeeper: Oh! I see that kid coming. I know what he’s coming to get, so I’ll
climb up now to get the candies before he comes in and have it ready for him.
(Kid walks in.) I bet I know what you want. I bet you want five of the penny
candies from way up top, right?
Kid: Nope! Not today!
Storekeeper: Sigh! Now I have to climb back up to put them away. (He climbs up,
puts them away, then comes down.) Now, sonny, what would you like today?
Kid: I would like three of those penny candies way up at the top!
101. The Strange Trees

A cute play on French accents & associated puns -- a real groaner. Some sort of
French accent greatly adds to the credibility of the skit. By the way, what does
the C H on the Canadians’ shirts mean? Center Hice!
General Montcalm, Sergeant-Major, Captain, Sergeant, Private
Setting: French base in Quebec City during Montcalm’s and Wolfe’s historical
confrontation
General Montcalm, wanting to know what General Wolfe was up to and what his
position was, decided to send out some reconnaissance.
General Montcalm: (To Sergeant-Major) Send out a Scout to see what General
Wolfe’s troops are up to!
Sergeant Major: (To Private) Find out what General Wolfe’s troops are up to!
Private goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely
clinging on to his life.
Sergeant Major: (To Private) What’s wrong? Did you find anything about Wolfe’s
troops?
Private: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.)
Sergeant Major: Inexperienced fool! (To Sergeant) Find out what General Wolfe’s
troops are up to!
Captain goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely
Sergeant Major: (To Sergeant) What’s wrong? What’s Wolfe’s position?

Sergeant: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.)
Sergeant Major: He obviously wasn’t inconspicuous enough! (To Captain) Find
out what General Wolfe’s troops are up to!
Sergeant goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just barely
Sergeant Major: (To Captain) What’s wrong? What’s Wolfe doing?
Captain: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.)
Sergeant Major: What’s wrong with you people? I guess I’ll have to find out what
General Wolfe’s troops are up to myself!
Sergeant Major goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured, just
barely clinging on to his life.
General Montcalm: (To Sergeant Major) What’s wrong? What are General
Wolfe’s troops up to?
Sergeant Major: (In raspy, dying voice) Bacon Tree! (And he dies.)
General Montcalm: What’s this Bacon tree? I guess I’ll have to find out what
General Wolfe’s troops are up to myself!
General Montcalm goes off, then a moment later comes limping back, injured,
just barely clinging on to his life.
General Montcalm: (In a raspy, dying voice) Those fools! That was no Bacon
Tree! That was a Hambush! (And he dies.)
102. The Loon Hunt

This is a cute one I got from the Mt. Norris Scout Reserve, Vermont, Staff
Campfire.
Narrator, two hunters, Melican, Loon, wise man
Setting: Out in the woods
Narrator: This is the story of the little-known Melican and two hunters’ efforts to
capture it. For instance, watch. The Melican, which has been dancing around
during the Narrator’s speech, suddenly spots the two hunters, who blunderingly,
and unsuccessfully, attempt to catch the Melican. During the next speech, all
actors act according to the Narrator’s storyline.
Narrator: Several times our bold hunters attempt to catch this Melican; they use
traps, "Melican" calls, even a sick loon. (Every once in a while the actors make
appropriate comments.) But all this was to no avail. Finally, they consulted a wise
man.
Hunter 1: Wise man, we have been trying to catch the Melican for quite a while,
but without any success. We even tried to lure it with a sick loon, because we’d
heard that it was a good idea. What do you suggest?
Wise man: (In one of those old, strained, many years-of-experience sage voices,)
You have been going about it almost in the right way. But the Melican also needs
a sweeter trap!
Hunter 1: (Bewildered) Uh... Thank you, Wise man! Let’s go!
Hunter 2: What did he mean by a sweeter trap?
Hunter 1: I don’t know. Maybe we should feed our sick loon some sugar!
Hunter 2: Sugar?
Hunter 1: Yeah! You know, like sugar cured ham!

Narrator: And so our brave hunters took a bag of sugar and forced it down the
loon’s throat. Ahh ... Watch now as the Melican spots our loon.
The Melican sees the loon and DIVES for it, at which point, the hunters capture
the Melican.
Narrator: Out brave hunters have finally succeeded in capturing the Melican.
Which, dear audience, leads to the moral of this story ... A loonful of sugar helps
the Melican go down!
103. The Poor Excuses

Boy, do skits ever present vatiations of themselves over time, this one over but a
period of a month.
Army sergeant, 3 privates
Setting: Boot Camp
The three privates are in line, side by side, listening to the sergeant’s
instructions.
Sergeant: (using one of those yelling voices) Ok men! Listen up! We’re going to
do a long, hard, invigorating, uphill quick march! I don’t want any weenies! Left
turn! (They all turn; sergeant takes up the front.) Quick forward march!
They all begin doing a quick march (stay in place, of course.) All of a sudden, the
private in back sneezes.
Sergeant: Company Halt! Ok, who did that? You? (Pointing to the first private.)
Private: N-n-no Sir!
Sergeant: I said no weenies! Integrity is important! All liars die! (Shoots the
private.)
Private: Oh! You shot and killed me! (Dies.)
This last scene repeats itself with some variation, but essentially it’s the same.
The scene continues to repeat itself until finally,
Sergeant: Who did that? You?
Private: Y-y-yes Sir!
Sergeant: Oh, you poor darling, do you have a cold? Here, have a tissue!
Version 2:
Essentially the same, but each private, having just been asked "Any objections?"
giving a leering, threatening look, gives an excuse such as "I have to take care of
my ageing grandmother," "I left a tap running," and so on. Each one is killed, or
dismissed, according to your desires. Finally, after all are dead or dismissed, he
exclaims, "Ah, good! I wasn’t looking forward to this march anyway. I’ll just go lie
down."
104. 49! 49! 49!

I’ve seen this once or twice before, with various settings, such as a big hole and
the victim being pushed in, and so on. Presumably you can also do it just on the
edge of a road, and push the victim just as a car or truck passes by.
Jumper, bystander
A person is jumping on up and down, yelling 49! 49! 49! The second person
comes by and notices this; he asks what he_s doing.

Victim: What are you doing?
Jumper: I’m jumping up and down on this manhole yelling 49! 49! 49! It’s really
fun! Wanna try?
Victim: Sure! (He takes the jumper’s place and yells 49! 49! 49! All of a sudden,
the jumper pulls the manhole cover out from under the victim, who falls into the
sewer.)
Jumper: 50! 50! 50!
105. Going to Court

This one is a run on that requires the above-mentioned partner whose been
around for years and will be for years more, and good timing. One of the nice
things about this one is that you can use as little as two appearances or if
necessary, you can expand upon it to other situations involving the wordplay
about "case" and court. Another line would be at the beginning where the litigant
goes to someone for advice, but they say that they don’t have a case, prompting
them to go buy a briefcase.
Campfire Chief, litigant, briefcase
Setting: Campfire
Each time the litigant comes in, the campfire chief is about to announce or close
a skit. Requires perferct timing or a chief who is able to blend in the litigant’s
entries perfectly, or both.
Chief: Hello? I’m trying to introduce the next item? What are you doing here?
Litigant: (coming in with briefcase) Uh, excuse me, but I need to tell you
something. My inspection results today were terrible, so I’m going to (lift up
briefcase) bring my case to court.
Next appearance, the litigant is crawling on the ground with a flashlight, without
the briefcase:
Chief: Oh, it’s you again. What are you doing down on the ground?
Litigant: I lost my case! I’m looking for it!
Next apprearance, the litigant is up on a table, a high chair, a tall tree stump, in a
tree, whatever, carrying his briefcase. He makes noise to get attention, and the
chief shines a light on him.
Chief: What are you doing now?
Litigator: I’m bringing my case to a higher court!
Last appearance is a little dangerous. Be careful to have plenty of open space
where people won’t get hurt, and that the chief is ready for this.
Suddenly the briefcase is flying through the air and the Chief catches it – if only
to protect the audience :) -- and exclaims:
Chief: (Flustered) What’s this all about?
Litigator: My case got thrown out of court!
106. The Professor’s Address

A silly fill-in for a number of dull moments.
Announcer, Professor Glitzenshiner
Announcer: Yes, ladies and gentlemen. Today I have the great honour of
presenting to you Professor Gliztenshiner. Professor Gliztenshiner is a little

known quack whose main field of expertise is geography. He attended
Whatsamatta U. for his undergraduate degree in geographic localization; he went
to Duck University for his Masters in human geography. He did his Doctorate at
the Idiot Institute of Illinois on World geography, and is now on world tour
addressing crowds large and small on Systems of Geography. Please, Ladies
and Gentlemen, I would like to introduce Professor Gliztenshiner who will now
give you his address.
Professor Glitzenshiner: My address is 1234 Pine Street. Thank you. (bows)
107. The Forgetful Witness

Policeman, witness
Setting: On a street corner
Policeman: (to witness) Did you see that car in the hit and run?
Witness: You mean the ’89 Toyota Tercel?
Policeman: Yes!
Witness: You mean the white one?
Policeman: Yes!
Witness: You mean the one driven by a crazy Scout leader?
Policeman: Yes!
Witness: With licence plate ABC 123?
Policeman: Yes!
Witness: And was it overfull of camping gear?
Policeman: Yes!
Witness: Sorry. I didn’t see it.

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The Campfire Booklet

1 The Campfire Booklet

From the North

Our Spirit from the North

Opening Campfire Activities

Rain in the forest

2 The Campfire Booklet

Indian Stick Race

The Listening Game

3 The Campfire Booklet

The Alphabet Nursery Rhymes

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- Peel a banana, then Splat! it with your hand

- Yaaaaaaaay! (in a circle)

GREAT (Tony the Tiger cheer)

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Stomp and slap

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Big Hand (For a ’Ho Hum’ Skit)

Bravo (For an excellent performance)

Bravo (For an excellent performance)

Buffalo Bonzo (For a ’corny’ skit)

7 The Campfire Booklet

Clam Cheer (For an ’O.K.’ to poor skit)

Fireworks (For a good performance)

For Goodness Sake (For a really corny skit)

For the Birds (For a ’dumb’ skit)

Good Heavens (For an unusual skit)

8 The Campfire Booklet

Bird Watcher Cheer

The Lone Range Applause

Supersonic... Silently wave arms, open mouth as if cheering, wait several

Round of applause... Clap in a circle

Give a big hand... Hold up hand

Ketchup bottle... slap back of other hand

Cheese applause... Grate, grate, grate...

Leaky tire applause... HISS...

Cookie... Crumby, crumby, crumby...

9 The Campfire Booklet

Arizona applause... Yucca, yucca, yucca...

Oil refinery applause... Crude, crude, crude...

Rattlesnake Applause... Hisssssssssss...

Doctor... Open mouth, stick out tongue, say Ahhhhhhhhh!

Hand and Foot... Applaud with striking hand on foot.

Slow Motion Applause... Cheer and applaud in slow motion.

The Uncoordinated Applause... Clap hands, but miss completely.

107 Sample Skits

1. Peanuts (Judge or Building)

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13 The Campfire Booklet

Have a cheermaster. A CM is someone who keeps track of group songs, yells,

14 The Campfire Booklet

Make your skits enjoyable!

2. Ugliest Man in the World (or Bad Breath)

15 The Campfire Booklet

3. Is Captain Kidd Afraid of Himself?

16 The Campfire Booklet