American Beauty
American Beauty
American Beauty
by
Alan Ball
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INT. FITTS HOUSE - RICKY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
JANE
I need a father who's a role model,
not some horny geek-boy who's gonna
spray his shorts whenever I bring a
girlfriend home from school.
(snorts)
What a lame-o. Somebody really
should put him out of his misery.
RICKY (O.C.)
Want me to kill him for you?
JANE
(deadpan)
Yeah, would you?
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
LESTER (V.O.)
My name is Lester Burnham. This is
my neighborhood. This is my street.
This... is my life. I'm forty-two
years old. In less than a year,
I'll be dead.
LESTER (V.O.)
Of course, I don't know that yet.
(CONTINUED)
2.
CONTINUED:
He sits up and puts on his slippers.
LESTER (V.O.)
(amused)
Look at me, jerking off in the
shower.
(then)
This will be the high point of my
day. It's all downhill from here.
LESTER (V.O.)
That's my wife Carolyn. See the way
the handle on those pruning shears
matches her gardening clogs? That's
not an accident.
In the fenced front yard of the house next door, a dog BARKS
repeatedly. A MAN in a conservative suit (JIM #1) chastises
the barking dog.
JIM #1
Hush, Bitsy. You hush. What is
wrong?
LESTER (V.O.)
That's our next-door neighbor Jim.
(CONTINUED)
3.
CONTINUED:
JIM #2
(re: barking dog)
What in the world is wrong with
her? She had a walk this morning.
JIM #1
And a jerky treat.
JIM #2
You spoil her.
(sternly)
Bitsy. No bark. Come inside. Now.
CAROLYN
Good morning, Jim!
JIM #1
Morning, Carolyn.
CAROLYN
(overly friendly)
I just love your tie! That color!
JIM #1
I just love your roses. How do you
get them to flourish like this?
CAROLYN
Well, I'll tell you. Egg shells and
Miracle Grow.
LESTER (V.O.)
Man. I get exhausted just watching
her.
Lester's POV: We can't hear what Jim and Carolyn are saying,
but she's overly animated, like a TV talk show host.
(CONTINUED)
4.
CONTINUED:
LESTER (V.O.)
My daughter Jane. Only child.
LESTER (CONT'D)
But I don't want to lie to her.
We HEAR the CAR HORN again from outside. Jane studies herself
in a mirror, then shifts to get a good profile of her
breasts.
CAROLYN
Jane. Honey. Are you trying to look
unattractive?
JANE
Yes.
CAROLYN
Well, congratulations. You've
succeeded admirably.
Jane gets in the car. Lester hurries out the front door,
carrying a BRIEFCASE.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Lester, could you make me a little
later, please? Because I'm not
quite late enough.
JANE
Nice going, Dad.
(CONTINUED)
5.
CONTINUED:
Lester smiles sheepishly, trying to lighten the moment. His
POV: Carolyn looks down at us, contemptuous but also bored,
as if she gave up expecting anything more long ago.
LESTER (V.O.)
Both my wife and daughter think I'm
this gigantic loser, and... they're
right.
LESTER (V.O.)
I have lost something. I'm not
exactly sure what it is, but I know
I didn't always feel this...
sedated. But you know what? It's
never too late to get it back.
LESTER
Hello, this is Lester Burnham from
Media Monthly magazine, I'm calling
for Mr. Tamblin, please?... Well,
we're all under a deadline here,
uh, but you see, there is some
basic information about the product
launch that isn't even covered in
your press release and I... Yeah.
Can I ask you a question? Who is
Tamblin? Does he exist? 'Cause he
doesn't ever seem to come in...
Yeah, okay, I'll leave my number...
LESTER (CONT'D)
It's 555 0199. Lester Burnham.
Thank you!
BRAD
Hey Les. You got a minute?
(CONTINUED)
6.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
For you, Brad? I've got five.
BRAD
I'm sure you can understand our
need to cut corners around here.
LESTER
Oh, sure. Times are tight, and you
gotta free up cash. Gotta spend
money to make money. Right?
BRAD
Exactly. So...
LESTER
(blurts)
Like the time when Mr. Flournoy
used the company MasterCard to pay
for that hooker, and then she used
the card numbers and stayed at the
St. Regis for, what was it, like,
three months?
BRAD
(startled)
That's unsubstantiated gossip.
LESTER
That's fifty thousand dollars.
That's somebody's salary. That's
somebody who's gonna get fired
because Craig has to pay women to
fuck him!
BRAD
Jesus. Calm down. Nobody's getting
fired yet. That's why we're having
everyone write out a job
description, mapping out in detail
how they contribute. That way,
management can assess who's
valuable and--
LESTER
Who's expendable.
(CONTINUED)
7.
CONTINUED:
BRAD
It's just business.
LESTER
(angry)
I've been writing for this magazine
for fourteen years, Brad. You've
been here how long, a whole month?
BRAD
(frank)
I'm one of the good guys, Les. I'm
trying to level with you. This is
your one chance to save your job.
CAROLYN
--there is no decision, you just
write the damn thing!
LESTER
You don't think it's weird and
kinda fascist?
CAROLYN
Possibly. But you don't want to be
unemployed.
LESTER
Oh, well, let's just all sell our
souls and work for Satan, because
it's more convenient that way.
CAROLYN
Could you be just a little bit more
dramatic, please, huh?
As they get out of the car, Carolyn scopes out the MOVERS
next door.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
So we've finally got new neighbors.
You know, if the Lomans had let me
represent them, instead of--
(heavy disdain)
--"The Real Estate King," that
house would never have sat on the
market for six months.
(CONTINUED)
8.
CONTINUED:
She heads into the house, followed by Lester.
LESTER
Well, they were still mad at you
for cutting down their sycamore.
CAROLYN
Their sycamore? C'mon! A
substantial portion of the root
structure was on our property. You
know that. How can you call it
their sycamore? I wouldn't have the
heart to just cut down something if
it wasn't partially mine, which of
course it was.
JANE
Mom, do we always have to listen to
this elevator music?
CAROLYN
(considers)
No. No, we don't. As soon as you've
prepared a nutritious yet savory
meal that I'm about to eat, you can
listen to whatever you like.
LESTER
So Janie, how was school?
JANE
(suspicious)
It was okay.
LESTER
Just okay?
JANE
No, Dad. It was spec-tac-ular.
A beat.
LESTER
Well, you want to know how things
went at my job today?
(CONTINUED)
9.
CONTINUED:
LESTER (CONT'D)
They've hired this efficiency
expert, this really friendly guy
named Brad, how perfect is that?
And he's basically there to make it
seem like they're justified in
firing somebody, because they
couldn't just come right out and
say that, could they? No, no, that
would be too... honest. And so
they've asked us--
(off her look)
--you couldn't possibly care any
less, could you?
JANE
(uncomfortable)
Well, what do you expect? You can't
all of a sudden be my best friend,
just because you had a bad day.
JANE (CONT'D)
I mean, hello. You've barely even
spoken to me for months.
LESTER
Oh, what, you're mother-of-the-
year? You treat her like an
employee.
CAROLYN
(taken aback)
What?!
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
(more authority)
What?
Lester gets up and starts after Jane, taking his plate with
him.
LESTER
I'm going to get some ice cream.
LESTER
Honey, I'm sorry. I...
LESTER (CONT'D)
I'm sorry I haven't been more
available, I just... I'm...
He's looking to her for a little help here, but she's too
uncomfortable with this sudden intimacy to give him any.
LESTER (CONT'D)
(finally)
You know, you don't always have to
wait for me to come to you...
JANE
Oh, great. So now it's my fault?
LESTER
I didn't say that. It's nobody's
fault. Janie, what happened? You
and I used to be pals.
(CONTINUED)
11.
CONTINUED:
Lester turns off the faucet, dries his hands, then tosses the
towel on the counter on his way out, where it lands next to a
framed PHOTOGRAPH of Lester, Carolyn, and a much-younger
Jane, taken several years earlier at an amusement park. It's
startling how happy they look.
CAROLYN
I will sell this house today.
MONTAGE:
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
I will sell this house today. I
will sell this house today. I will
sell this house today.
(CONTINUED)
12.
CONTINUED:
Carolyn stands in front of the mirror, wearing her suit once
more, applying lipstick. She stares at her reflection
critically.
CAROLYN
I will sell this house today.
CAROLYN
Welcome. I'm Carolyn Burnham!
Smiling, Carolyn leads a man and woman into the living room.
They're thirtyish, and they've seen a lot of houses today.
CAROLYN
This living room is very dramatic.
Wait 'til you see the native stone
fireplace!
The man and woman glance around the dark room, unimpressed.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
A simple cream would really lighten
things up. You could even put in a
skylight.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Well, why don't we go into the
kitchen?
CAROLYN
It's a dream come true for any
cook. Just filled with positive
energy. Huh?
(CONTINUED)
13.
CONTINUED:
CAROLYN
...and you'll be surprised how much
a ceiling fan can cut down on your
energy costs.
CAROLYN
You know, you could have some
really fun backyard get-togethers
out here.
WOMAN #1
The ad said this pool was "lagoon-
like." There's nothing "lagoon-
like" about it. Except for maybe
the bugs.
WOMAN #2
There's not even any plants out
here.
CAROLYN
(re: shrub)
What do you call this? Is this not
a plant? If you have a problem with
the plants, I can always call my
landscape architect. Solved.
WOMAN #2
I mean, I think "lagoon," I think
waterfall, I think tropical. This
is a cement hole.
A beat.
CAROLYN
I have some tiki torches in the
garage.
CAROLYN
Shut up. Stop it. You... Weak!
(CONTINUED)
14.
CONTINUED:
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Weak. Baby. Shut up. Shut up! Shut
up!
ANGELA
Who are you looking for?
JANE
My parents are coming tonight.
They're trying to, you know, take
an active interest in me.
ANGELA
Gross. I hate it when my mom does
that.
JANE
They're such assholes. Why can't
they just have their own lives?
LESTER
What makes you so sure she wants us
to be there? Did she ask us to
come?
CAROLYN
Of course not. She doesn't want us
to know how important this is to
her. But she's been practicing her
steps for weeks.
(CONTINUED)
15.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
Well, I bet money she's going to
resent it. And I'm missing the
James Bond marathon on TNT.
CAROLYN
Lester, this is important. I'm
sensing a real distance growing
between you and Jane.
LESTER
Growing? She hates me.
CAROLYN
She's just willful.
LESTER
She hates you too.
ANNOUNCER
(over P.A.)
And now, for your half-time
entertainment, Rockwell High's
award-winning Dancing Spartanettes!
LESTER
We can leave right after this,
right?
The HIGH SCHOOL BAND plays "ON BROADWAY." On the gym floor,
the girls perform. They're well-rehearsed, but too young to
carry off the ambitious Vegas routine they're attempting.
Lester, watching from the stands, picks out his daughter.
(CONTINUED)
16.
CONTINUED:
The light on Angela grows stronger, and the other girls
DISAPPEAR entirely.
The game is long over. Jane and Angela come out of the gym.
JANE
Oh shit, they're still here.
Her POV: Lester and Carolyn stand at the edge of the parking
lot.
LESTER
Janie!
CAROLYN
Hi! I really enjoyed that!
LESTER
Congratulations, honey, you were
great.
JANE
I didn't win anything.
LESTER
(to Angela)
Hi, I'm Lester. Janie's dad.
ANGELA
Oh. Hi.
An awkward beat.
JANE
This is my friend, Angela Hayes.
(CONTINUED)
17.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
Okay, good to meet you. You were
also good tonight. Very... precise.
ANGELA
(warming)
Thanks.
CAROLYN
(to Angela)
Nice to meet you, Angela.
(to Jane)
Honey, I'm so proud of you. I
watched you very closely, and you
didn't screw up once.
(then, to Lester)
Okay, we have to go.
LESTER
So, what are you girls doing now?
JANE
Dad.
ANGELA
We're going out for pizza.
LESTER
Oh really, do you need a ride? We
can give you a ride. I have a car.
You wanna come with us?
ANGELA
Thanks... but I have a car.
LESTER
Oh, you have a car. Oh. That's
great! That's great, because
Janie's thinking about getting a
car soon too, aren't you, honey?
JANE
(you freak)
Dad. Mom's waiting for you.
LESTER
Well, it was very nice meeting you,
Angela. Any, uh, friend of Janie's
is a friend of mine.
(CONTINUED)
18.
CONTINUED: (2)
LESTER (CONT'D)
Well... I'll be seeing you around
then.
JANE
Could he be any more pathetic?
ANGELA
I think it's sweet. And I think he
and your mother have not had sex in
a long time.
LESTER
It's the weirdest thing.
LESTER (CONT'D)
I feel like I've been in a coma for
about twenty years, and I'm just
now waking up.
More ROSE PETALS fall onto the bed, and he smiles up at...
Lester smiles back and LAUGHS, as ROSE PETALS cover his face.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Spec-tac-ular.
JANE
I'm sorry my dad was so weird
tonight.
(CONTINUED)
19.
CONTINUED:
ANGELA
It's okay. I'm used to guys
drooling over me. It started when I
was about twelve, I'd go out to
dinner with my parents. Every
Thursday night, Red Lobster. And
every guy there would stare at me
when I walked in. And I knew what
they were thinking. Just like I
knew guys at school thought about
me when they jerked off.
JANE
Vomit.
ANGELA
No, I liked it. And I still like
it. If people I don't even know
look at me and want to fuck me, it
means I really have a shot at being
a model. Which is great, because
there's nothing worse in life than
being ordinary.
JANE
I really think it'll happen for
you.
ANGELA
Oh, I know. Because everything that
was meant to happen, does.
Eventually.
On VIDEO: Jane gets out of the car, still LAUGHING, and waves
as Angela pulls away. We ZOOM toward Jane as she walks up the
driveway. She turns suddenly, sensing our presence.
Her POV: We're looking at the COLONIAL HOUSE next door where
the moving van was parked earlier. The front porch is
shrouded in darkness... then a PORCH LIGHT abruptly reveals
Ricky. As usual, he's dressed conservatively. There is a
BEEPER attached to his belt, and his DIGICAM dangles loosely
around his neck.
JANE
Asshole.
(CONTINUED)
20.
CONTINUED:
His POV, on VIDEO: Jane, angry and self-conscious, turns and
walks quickly toward her house, flipping us off as she goes.
Jane enters, closes and locks the door. She quickly TURNS OFF
THE LIGHT that's been left on for her, then peeks through a
window.
Her POV: There's no sign of Ricky. Jane turns back into the
room, her heart racing... and smiles.
ANGELA
(over phone line)
Hello? Hello?
JANE
Hello?
ANGELA
Why'd you call me?
JANE
I didn't.
ANGELA
Well, my phone just rang and I
answered it and somebody hung up
and then I star sixty-nined and it
called you back.
JANE
I was in the shower.
(CONTINUED)
21.
CONTINUED:
JANE (CONT'D)
Oh, gross.
RICKY
Be right there.
RICKY
Mom.
BARBARA
Hello.
RICKY
I don't eat bacon, remember?
BARBARA
(unnerved)
I'm sorry, I must have forgotten.
RICKY
What's new in the world, Dad?
COLONEL
This country is going straight to
hell.
(CONTINUED)
22.
CONTINUED:
A DOORBELL rings. The Colonel and Barbara look at each other,
alarmed.
COLONEL (CONT'D)
Are you expecting anyone?
BARBARA
No.
(thinks)
No.
The Colonel heads toward the living room, a little puffed up.
The Colonel opens the front door to reveal the two JIMS.
JIM #1
Hi.
JIM #2
Welcome to the neighborhood.
JIM #1
Just a little something from our
garden.
JIM #2
Except for the pasta, we got that
at Fallaci's.
JIM #1
It's unbelievably fresh. You just
drop it in the water and it's done.
JIM #1 (CONT'D)
(offers his hand)
Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down.
Welcome to the neighborhood.
COLONEL
(shakes)
Colonel Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine
Corps.
JIM #1
Nice to meet you. And this is my
partner...
JIM #2
(offers his hand)
(CONTINUED)
23.
JIM #2(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
Jim Berkley, but people call me
J.B.
COLONEL
Let's cut to the chase, okay? What
are you guys selling?
JIM #2
(after a beat)
Nothing. We just wanted to say hi
to our new neighbors--
COLONEL
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you said
you're partners. So what's your
business?
JIM #1
Well, he's a tax attorney.
JIM #2
And he's an anesthesiologist.
COLONEL
How come these faggots always have
to rub it in your face? How can
they be so shameless?
RICKY
That's the whole thing, Dad. They
don't feel like it's anything to be
ashamed of.
COLONEL
Well, it is.
RICKY
Yeah, you're right.
(CONTINUED)
24.
CONTINUED:
COLONEL
Don't placate me like I'm your
mother, boy.
RICKY
Forgive me, sir, for speaking so
bluntly, but those fags make me
want to puke my fucking guts out.
COLONEL
Me too, son. Me too.
Jane and Angela are standing with two other TEENAGE GIRLS.
ANGELA
I'm serious, he just pulled down
his pants and yanked it out. You
know, like, say hello to Mr. Happy.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
Gross.
ANGELA
It wasn't gross. It was kind of
cool.
TEENAGE GIRL #1
So, did you do it with him?
ANGELA
Of course I did. He is a really
well-known photographer? He shoots
for Elle on like, a regular basis?
It would have been so majorly
stupid of me to turn him down.
TEENAGE GIRL #2
You are a total prostitute.
ANGELA
Hey. That's how things really are.
You just don't know, because you're
this pampered little suburban
chick.
(CONTINUED)
25.
CONTINUED:
TEENAGE GIRL #2
So are you. You've only been in
Seventeen once, and you looked fat,
so stop acting like you're goddamn
Christy Turlington.
The two TEENAGE GIRLS move away from Jane and Angela.
ANGELA
(calling off)
Cunt!
(then)
I am so sick of people taking their
insecurities out on me.
The Colonel's Ford Explorer pulls up, and Ricky gets out.
JANE
Oh my God. That's the pervert who
filmed me last night.
ANGELA
Him? Jane. No way. He's a total
lunatic.
JANE
You know him?
ANGELA
Yeah. We were on the same lunch
shift when I was in ninth grade,
and he would always say the most
random, weird things, and then one
day, he was just like, gone. And
then, Connie Cardullo told me he
his parents had to put him in a
mental institution.
JANE
Why? What did he do?
ANGELA
What do you mean?
JANE
Well, they can't put you away just
for saying weird things.
ANGELA
You total slut. You've got a crush
on him.
JANE
What? Please.
(CONTINUED)
26.
CONTINUED: (2)
ANGELA
You were defending him! You love
him. You want to have like, ten
thousand of his babies.
JANE
Shut up.
RICKY
Hi. My name's Ricky. I just moved
next door to you.
JANE
I know. I kinda remember this
really creepy incident when you
were filming me last night?
RICKY
I didn't mean to scare you. I just
think you're interesting.
JANE
Thanks, but I really don't need to
have some psycho obsessing about me
right now.
RICKY
I'm not obsessing. I'm just
curious.
ANGELA
What a freak. And why does he dress
like a Bible salesman?
JANE
He's like, so confident. That can't
be real.
ANGELA
I don't believe him. I mean, he
didn't even like, look at me once.
(CONTINUED)
27.
CONTINUED:
The Colonel CHUCKLES at a joke and startles her. We HEAR a
door opening elsewhere in the house, and Ricky enters.
RICKY
Hey.
BARBARA
(out of the blue)
I'm sorry, what?
RICKY
Mom. Nobody said anything.
BARBARA
Oh. I'm sorry.
CAROLYN
--everyone here is with their
spouse or their significant other.
How would it look if I showed up
with no one?
LESTER
Well, you always end up ignoring me
and going off--
CAROLYN
Now listen to me. This is an
important business function. As you
know, my business is selling an
image. And part of my job is to
live that image--
LESTER
Just say whatever you want to say
and spare me the propaganda.
(CONTINUED)
28.
CONTINUED:
CAROLYN
(spots someone)
Hi, Shirley!
(to Lester)
Listen, just do me a favor. Act
happy tonight?
LESTER
(grins stupidly)
I am happy, honey. Carolyn's jaw
tightens, then:
CAROLYN
(spots someone)
Oh! Buddy!
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
(shakes Buddy's hand)
Buddy! Buddy. Hi! Good to see you
again.
BUDDY
It's so good to see you too,
Catherine.
CAROLYN
Carolyn.
BUDDY
Carolyn! Of course. How are you?
CAROLYN
Very well, thank you.
(to his wife)
Hello, Christy.
CHRISTY
Hello.
CAROLYN
My husband, Lester--
BUDDY
(shakes Lester's hand)
It's a pleasure.
LESTER
Oh, we've met before, actually.
This thing last year. Or the
Christmas thing at the Sheraton.
(CONTINUED)
29.
CONTINUED: (2)
BUDDY
Oh, yes.
LESTER
It's okay. I wouldn't remember me
either.
CAROLYN
(forced gaiety)
Honey. Don't be weird.
LESTER
All right, honey. I won't be weird.
(his face close to hers)
I'll be whatever you want me to be.
LESTER (CONT'D)
We have a very healthy
relationship.
BUDDY
I see.
LESTER
Well. I don't know about you, but I
need a drink.
LESTER
Whoa. Put a little more in there,
cowboy.
(CONTINUED)
30.
CONTINUED:
RICKY
Excuse me. Don't you live on Robin
Hood Trail? The house with the red
door?
LESTER
(suspicious)
Yeah.
RICKY
I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved into
the house next to you.
LESTER
Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts. I'm Lester
Burnham.
RICKY
Hi, Lester Burnham.
A beat. Lester looks away, scans the crowd, then downs the
rest of his drink in one gulp. Ricky just stands there,
watching him. Finally Lester turns back to Ricky: what does
this kid want?
RICKY (CONT'D)
Do you party?
LESTER
Excuse me?
RICKY
Do you get high?
CAROLYN
You know, I probably wouldn't even
tell you this if I weren't a little
tipsy, but... I am in complete awe
of you. I mean, your firm is, hands
down, the Rolls Royce of local Real
Estate firms, and your personal
sales record is, is, is very
intimidating. You know, I'd love to
sit down with you and just pick
your brain, if you'd ever be
willing. I suppose, technically,
I'm the "competition," but...
(CONTINUED)
31.
CAROLYN(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
I mean, hey, I don't flatter myself
that I'm even in the same league as
you...
BUDDY
I'd love to.
CAROLYN
(shocked)
Really?
BUDDY
Absolutely. Call my secretary and
have her schedule a lunch.
CAROLYN
I'll do that. Thank you.
They look at each other for a beat, then look away. This
situation is loaded and they both know it.
LESTER
...did you ever see that movie,
where the body's walking around
holding its own head? And then the
head goes down on that babe?
RICKY
Re-Animator.
CATERING BOSS
(to Ricky)
Look. I'm not paying you to...
(eyes Lester,
suspiciously)
...do whatever it is you're doing
out here.
RICKY
Fine. So don't pay me.
CATERING BOSS
Excuse me?
RICKY
I quit. So you don't have to pay
me. Now, leave me alone.
(CONTINUED)
32.
CONTINUED:
CATERING BOSS
Asshole.
LESTER
I think you just became my personal
hero.
(then)
Doesn't that make you nervous, just
quitting your job like that? Well,
I guess when you're all of, what?
Sixteen?
RICKY
Eighteen.
(then)
I just do these gigs as a cover. I
have other sources of income. But
my dad interferes less in my life
when I pretend to be an upstanding
young citizen with a respectable
job.
CAROLYN (O.C.)
Lester?
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
LESTER
Honey, this is...
(laughs)
Ricky Fitts. This is Ricky Fitts.
RICKY
I'm Ricky Fitts, I just moved in
the house next to you. I go to
school with your daughter.
LESTER
With Jane? Really?
RICKY
Yeah. Jane.
CAROLYN
Hi.
(then, to Lester)
I'm ready to go. I'll meet you out
front.
(CONTINUED)
33.
CONTINUED: (2)
LESTER
Uh-oh. I'm in trouble. Nice meeting
you, Ricky Fitts. Thanks for the,
uh, thing.
RICKY
Any time.
RICKY (CONT'D)
(calls after him)
Lester. If you want any more, you
know where I live.
Jane and Angela are watching MTV. We HEAR the back door open.
JANE
Oh, shit. They're home. Quick,
let's go up to my room.
ANGELA
I should say hi to your dad.
(off Jane's look)
I don't want to be rude.
ANGELA (O.C.)
Nice suit.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
You're looking good, Mr. Burnham.
She starts toward him.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Last time I saw you, you looked
kind of wound up.
(spots something)
Ooh, is that root beer?
(CONTINUED)
34.
CONTINUED:
EXTREME CLOSE UP on her hand as it briefly touches his
shoulder in SLOW MOTION. We HEAR only the amplified BRUSH of
her fingers against the fabric of his suit, and its
unnatural, hollow ECHO...
BACK IN REAL TIME: She grabs the root beer and smiles at him.
CLOSE on Lester: his eyes narrow slightly, then: He cups her
face in his hands and kisses her. She seems shocked, but
doesn't resist as he pulls her toward him with surprising
strength. He breaks the kiss, looking at her in awe, then he
reaches up and touches his lips. His eyes widen as he pulls a
ROSE PETAL from his mouth right before we SMASH CUT TO:
ANGELA
I love root beer, don't you?
JANE
Mom, you remember Angela.
CAROLYN
(her sales smile)
Yes, of course!
JANE
I forgot to tell you, she's
spending the night. Is that okay?
LESTER
Sure!
He takes a sip of his root beer, but it goes down the wrong
way and he starts COUGHING violently.
JANE
I'm sorry about my dad.
ANGELA
Don't be. I think it's funny.
(CONTINUED)
35.
CONTINUED:
JANE
Yeah, to you, he's just another guy
who wants to jump your bones. But
to me... he's just too embarrassing
to live.
ANGELA
Your mom's the one who's
embarrassing. What a phony.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
Your dad's actually kind of cute.
JANE
Shut up.
ANGELA (O.C.)
He is. If he just worked out a
little, he'd be hot.
JANE
Shut up.
ANGELA
Oh, come on. Like you've never
sneaked a peek at him in his
underwear? I bet he's got a big
dick.
JANE
You are so grossing me out right
now.
ANGELA
(really enjoying this)
If he built up his chest and arms,
I would totally fuck him.
Jane covers her ears and starts SINGING to drown her out.
ANGELA (O.C.)
(laughs)
I would!
(CONTINUED)
36.
ANGELA(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
I would suck your dad's big fat
dick, and then I would fuck him
'til his eyes rolled back in his
head!
(then)
What was that noise? Jane.
JANE
Yeah, it was the sound of you being
a huge disgusting pig.
ANGELA
I'm serious.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
See?
ANGELA (CONT'D)
(spots something)
Oh my God. Jane.
ANGELA
It's that psycho next door. Jane,
what if he worships you? What if
he's got a shrine with pictures of
you surrounded by dead people's
heads and stuff?
JANE
Shit. I bet he's filming us right
now.
(CONTINUED)
37.
CONTINUED:
ANGELA
(intrigued)
Really?
LESTER
Shit. Shit!
RICKY
Welcome to America's Weirdest Home
Videos.
COLONEL (O.C.)
Ricky!
RICKY
Coming, Dad.
COLONEL (O.C.)
You know I don't like locked doors
in my house, boy.
Ricky opens the door. The Colonel stands outside, eyeing him.
RICKY
I'm sorry, I must have locked it by
accident. So what's up?
COLONEL
I need a urine sample.
RICKY
Wow. It's been six months already.
Can I give it to you in the
morning? I just took a whiz.
COLONEL
Yeah, I suppose.
(an awkward beat)
Well. Good night, son.
(CONTINUED)
39.
CONTINUED:
He disappears down the hall. Ricky smiles, shuts and locks
his door. He puts the plastic cup on the shelf, then crosses
to a MINI REFRIGERATOR in the corner of his room and takes
out a cup-sized TUPPERWARE CONTAINER from the freezer,
already filled with urine, albeit frozen, and places it on a
saucer to thaw overnight.
ANGELA
I've been waiting for you.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
You've been working out, haven't
you? I can tell.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
I was hoping you'd give me a
bath... I'm very, very dirty.
Lester gives her a hard look, then slowly slips his hand into
the water between her legs. Her eyes widen and she throws her
head back... and we SMASH CUT TO:
CAROLYN
What are you doing?
A beat.
LESTER
Nothing.
(CONTINUED)
40.
CONTINUED:
CAROLYN
You were masturbating.
LESTER
I was not.
CAROLYN
Yes, you were.
LESTER
All right, so shoot me. I was
whacking off.
LESTER (CONT'D)
That's right. I was choking the
bishop. Shaving the carrot. Saying
hi to my monster.
CAROLYN
That's disgusting.
LESTER
Well, excuse me, but I still have
blood pumping through my veins!
CAROLYN
So do I!
LESTER
Really? I'm the only one who seems
to be doing anything about it.
CAROLYN
Lester. I refuse to live like this.
This is not a marriage.
LESTER
This hasn't been a marriage for
years. But you were happy as long
as I kept my mouth shut. Well,
guess what? I've changed. And the
new me whacks off when he feels
horny, because you're obviously not
going to help me out in that
department.
CAROLYN
Oh. I see. You think you're the
only one who's sexually frustrated?
(CONTINUED)
41.
CONTINUED: (2)
LESTER
I'm not? Well then, come on, baby!
I'm ready.
CAROLYN
(furious)
Do not mess with me, mister, or I
will divorce you so fast it'll make
your head spin!
LESTER
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I
don't fuck other women, I don't
mistreat you, I've never hit you,
or even tried to touch you since
you made it so abundantly clear
just how unnecessary you consider
me to be. But. I did support you
while you got your license. And
some people might think that
entitles me to half of what's
yours.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Turn out the light when you come to
bed, okay?
LESTER
It's a great thing when you realize
you still have the ability to
surprise yourself. Makes you wonder
what else you can do that you've
forgotten about.
LESTER
Hey! You guys!
(CONTINUED)
42.
CONTINUED:
The Jims slow down until he catches up, then the three men
run together in the early morning light.
JIM #2
Lester, I didn't know you ran.
LESTER
(panting)
Well, I just started.
JIM #1
Good for you.
LESTER
I figured you guys might be able to
give me some pointers. I need to
shape up. Fast.
JIM #1
Well, are you just looking to lose
weight, or do you want have
increased strength and flexibility
as well?
LESTER
I want to look good naked.
His POV: Lester and the Jims jog down the street. The Colonel
stands, scowling, as Ricky comes out of the house, holding
the URINE SAMPLE in front of him.
COLONEL
What is this, the fucking gay pride
parade?
Lester breaks off from the two Jims and jogs up to Ricky and
the Colonel, out of breath. He grabs hold of his knees and
bends over, panting.
LESTER
Hey! Yo! Ricky!
(re: the Jims)
My entire life is passing before my
eyes, and those two have barely
broken a sweat.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Sorry, hi. Lester Burnham, I live
next door. We haven't met.
(CONTINUED)
43.
CONTINUED:
COLONEL
(shakes)
COLONEL Frank Fitts, U.S. Marine
Corps.
LESTER
Whoa. Welcome to the neighborhood,
sir.
LESTER (CONT'D)
So, Ricky, uh, I was thinking about
the, uh... I was gonna... the movie
we talked about...
RICKY
(quickly)
Re-Animator.
LESTER
Yeah!
RICKY
You want to borrow it?
(before Lester can answer)
Okay, it's up in my room. Come on.
RICKY
Can you hold this for a sec?
LESTER
Sure.
RICKY
I don't think my dad would try to
come in when somebody else is here,
but you never know.
LESTER
(re: urine sample)
What is this?
(CONTINUED)
44.
CONTINUED:
RICKY
Urine. I have to take a drug test
every six months to make sure I'm
clean.
LESTER
Are you kidding? You just smoked
with me last night.
RICKY
It's not mine. One of my clients is
a nurse in a pediatrician's office.
I cut her a deal, she keeps me in
clean piss.
LESTER
You like Pink Floyd?
RICKY
I like a lot of music.
LESTER
Man, I haven't listened to this
album in years.
He shakes his head, then puts the CD case down. Ricky, having
emptied the drawer, now removes a FALSE BOTTOM, revealing
rows of MARIJUANA, tightly packed in ZIP-LOC BAGS.
RICKY
How much do you want?
LESTER
I don't know, it's been a while.
How much is an ounce?
RICKY
(indicates bag)
Well, this is totally decent, and
it's three hundred.
LESTER
Wow.
RICKY
(indicates another bag)
But this shit is top of the line.
It's called G-13. Genetically
engineered by the U.S. Government.
Extremely potent. But a completely
mellow high, no paranoia.
LESTER
Is that what we smoked last night?
(CONTINUED)
45.
CONTINUED: (2)
RICKY
This is all I ever smoke.
LESTER
How much?
RICKY
Two grand.
LESTER
Jesus. Things have changed since
1973.
RICKY
You don't have to pay now. I know
you're good for it.
A beat.
LESTER
Thanks.
RICKY
(hands him a bag)
LESTER
(looks around room)
Well, now I know how you can afford
all this equipment. When I was your
age, I flipped burgers all summer
just to be able to buy an eight
track.
RICKY
That sucks.
LESTER
No actually, it was great. All I
did was party and get laid.
(smiles)
I had my whole life ahead of me...
RICKY
My dad thinks I pay for all this
with catering jobs.
(off Lester's look)
Never underestimate the power of
denial.
ROCK MUSIC blasts from a new BOOMBOX on the floor. The garage
is in the process of becoming Lester's sanctuary. An ugly but
comfortable 70's BOWL CHAIR has been pulled out and cleaned
off, his old hot rod magazines strewn across it, and the
remote-controlled MODEL JEEP KIT is spread across a card
table. The SHELVES that Lester tore through earlier have been
dismantled, leaving a blank wall on which now hangs a DART
BOARD. Lester finishes his last rep, straining, then puts the
weights in their rack and sits up. As he takes a drag off a
joint, the GARAGE DOOR suddenly starts to open. Lester looks
up, squinting at:
LESTER
Uh-oh, mom's mad.
CAROLYN
What the hell do you think you're
doing?
LESTER
Bench presses. I'm going to wail on
my pecs, and then I'm going to do
my back.
CAROLYN
I see you're smoking pot now. I'm
so glad. I think using illegal
psychotropic substances is a very
positive example to set for our
daughter.
LESTER
You're one to talk, you bloodless,
money- grubbing freak.
CAROLYN
(hostile)
Lester. You have such hostility in
you!
(CONTINUED)
47.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
Do you mind? I'm trying to work out
here.
(then, suggestively)
Unless you want to spot me.
CAROLYN
You will not get away with this.
You can be sure of that!
And she's gone. Lester leans back on the bench and grabs the
weights.
LESTER
(as he lifts)
That's. What. You. Think.
BRAD
(reads)
"...my job consists of basically
masking my contempt for the
assholes in charge, and, at least
once a day, retiring to the men's
room so I can jerk off, while I
fantasize about a life that doesn't
so closely resemble hell."
(looks up at Lester)
Well, you obviously have no
interest in saving yourself.
LESTER
(laughs)
Brad, for fourteen years I've been
a whore for the advertising
industry. The only way I could save
myself now is if I start
firebombing.
BRAD
Whatever. Management wants you gone
by the end of the day.
LESTER
Well, just what sort of severance
package is "management" prepared to
offer me? Considering the
information I have about our
editorial director buying pussy
with company money.
A beat.
(CONTINUED)
48.
CONTINUED:
LESTER (CONT'D)
Which I'm sure would interest the
I.R.S., since it technically
constitutes fraud. And I'm sure
that some of our advertisers and
rival publications might like to
know about it as well. Not to
mention, Craig's wife.
Brad sighs.
BRAD
What do you want?
LESTER
One year's salary, with benefits.
BRAD
That's not going to happen.
LESTER
Well, what do you say I throw in a
little sexual harassment charge to
boot?
Brad LAUGHS.
BRAD
Against who?
LESTER
Against you.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Can you prove you didn't offer to
save my job if I'd let you blow me?
BRAD
Man. You are one twisted fuck.
LESTER
(standing)
Nope. I'm just an ordinary guy with
nothing to lose.
LESTER
Yeah!
49.
BUDDY
Carolyn.
CAROLYN
Buddy.
BUDDY
I'm so sorry I kept you waiting.
Christy left for New York this
morning, and... let's just say
things were very hectic around the
house.
CAROLYN
What's she doing in New York?
BUDDY
She's moving there.
(off Carolyn's look)
Yes. We are splitting up.
CAROLYN
Buddy. I'm so sorry.
BUDDY
(bitterly)
Yes, according to her, I'm too
focused on my career. As if being
driven to succeed is some sort of
character flaw. Well, she certainly
knew how to take advantage of the
lifestyle my success afforded her.
Oh. Wow.
(then, laughing)
Ah, it's for the best.
CAROLYN
When I saw you two at the party the
other night, you seemed perfectly
happy.
BUDDY
Well, call me crazy, but it is my
philosophy that in order to be
successful, one must project an
image of success, at all times.
(CONTINUED)
50.
CONTINUED:
He smiles, then opens his menu. Carolyn picks hers up
mechanically, but continues to stare at him, enraptured, like
a fervent Christian who's just come face to face with Jesus.
ANGELA (O.C.)
What are you doing?
RICKY (O.C.)
I was filming this dead bird.
ANGELA
Why?
RICKY (O.C.)
Because it's beautiful.
ANGELA
I think maybe you forgot your
medication today, mental boy.
RICKY (O.C.)
Hi, Jane.
JANE
(uncomfortable)
Look. I want you to stop filming
me.
RICKY
Okay.
ANGELA
Well, whatever.
(to Jane)
This is boring. Let's go.
(CONTINUED)
51.
CONTINUED:
JANE
(to Ricky)
Do you need a ride?
ANGELA
(to Jane)
Are you crazy? I don't want to end
up hacked to pieces in a dumpster
somewhere.
RICKY
It's okay. I'll walk. But thanks.
ANGELA
Yeah, see? He doesn't want to go
anyway. C'mon, let's go.
JANE
(calls off to Angela)
I think I'm going to walk, too.
ANGELA
What? Jane, that's like, almost a
mile.
CAROLYN
Yes! Oh, God! I love it!
BUDDY
You like getting nailed by the
king?
CAROLYN
Oh yes! I love it! Fuck me, your
majesty!
LESTER
AMERICAN WOMAN, STAY AWAY FROM
ME... AMERICAN WOMAN, MAMA LET ME
BE... DON'T COME A HANGIN' AROUND
MY DOOR... I DON'T WANT TO SEE
YOUR FACE NO MORE...
LESTER
What?
LESTER
Uh... no. But thank you.
(reading menu)
I'll have a Big Barn Burger, Smiley
fries, and an orange soda.
Lester pays her. As she hands him his food, he notices a SIGN
in the corner of the window that reads:
COUNTER GIRL
Would you like some Smiley Sauce?
(CONTINUED)
53.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
No. No, actually... I'd like to
fill out an application.
COUNTER GIRL
There's not jobs for manager, it's
just for counter.
LESTER
Good. I'm looking for the least
possible amount of responsibility.
MANAGER
I don't think you'd fit in here.
LESTER
I have fast food experience.
MANAGER
Yeah, like twenty years ago.
LESTER
Well, I'm sure there have been
amazing technological advances in
the industry, but surely you have
some sort of training process. It
seems unfair to presume I won't be
able to learn.
The Manager sighs and runs a hand through his greasy hair,
wondering what he could possibly have done to deserve this.
CAROLYN
That was exactly what I needed. The
royal treatment, so to speak.
They laugh.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
I was so stressed out.
BUDDY
Know what I do when I feel like
that?
(CONTINUED)
54.
CONTINUED:
CAROLYN
What?
BUDDY
I fire a gun.
CAROLYN
(intrigued)
Really.
BUDDY
Oh yeah, I go to this little firing
range downtown, and I just pop off
a few rounds.
CAROLYN
(embarrassed)
I've never fired a gun before.
BUDDY
Oh, you've gotta try it. Nothing
makes you feel more powerful.
(smiles seductively)
Well, almost nothing.
Carolyn is quick to pick up her cue and kisses him, ready for
another round.
JANE
So how do you like your new house?
RICKY
I like it.
A beat.
JANE
The people who used to live there
fed these stray cats, so they were
always around, and it drove my
mother nuts. And then she cut down
their tree.
RICKY
Have you ever known anybody who
died?
(CONTINUED)
55.
CONTINUED:
JANE
No.
(a beat)
Have you?
RICKY
No, but I did see this homeless
woman who froze to death once. Just
laying there on the sidewalk. She
looked really sad.
RICKY (CONT'D)
I got that homeless woman on video.
JANE
Why would you film that?
RICKY
Because it was amazing.
JANE
What was amazing about it?
A beat.
RICKY
When you see something like that,
it's like God is looking right at
you, just for a second. And if
you're careful, you can look right
back.
JANE
And what do you see?
RICKY
Beauty.
RICKY
Mom, I want you to meet somebody.
(no response)
Mom.
BARBARA
(pleasant)
Yes?
(CONTINUED)
56.
CONTINUED:
RICKY
I want you to meet somebody. This
is Jane.
JANE
Hi.
BARBARA
Oh, my. I apologize for the way
things look around here.
We HEAR KEYS TURNING in the lock, then the door opens and
Ricky enters, holding a RING OF KEYS, followed by Jane.
RICKY
This is where my dad hides out.
JANE
I take it he's got a thing for
guns.
RICKY
You got to see this one thing...
RICKY (CONT'D)
My dad would kill me if he knew I
was in here.
JANE
Did you steal his keys?
RICKY
No. One of my clients is a
locksmith. He was short on cash one
night, so I let him pay me in
trade.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Turn it over.
(CONTINUED)
57.
CONTINUED:
JANE
Oh my God.
RICKY
It's like official state china of
the Third Reich. There's a whole
subculture of people who collect
this Nazi shit. But my dad just has
this one thing.
He puts the platter back into the cabinet and shuts the door,
then notices Jane looking at him oddly.
RICKY (CONT'D)
What's wrong?
JANE
Nothing.
RICKY
(concerned)
No, you're scared of me.
JANE
No I'm not.
RICKY
You want to see the most beautiful
thing I've ever filmed?
RICKY
It was one of those days when it's
a minute away from snowing. And
there's this electricity in the
air, you can almost hear it, right?
And this bag was just... dancing
with me. Like a little kid begging
me to play with it. For fifteen
minutes.
(CONTINUED)
58.
RICKY(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
That's the day I realized that
there was this entire life behind
things, and this incredibly
benevolent force that wanted me to
know there was no reason to be
afraid. Ever.
A beat.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Video's a poor excuse, I know. But
it helps me remember... I need to
remember...
RICKY (CONT'D)
(distant)
Sometimes there's so much beauty in
the world I feel like I can't take
it... and my heart is going to cave
in.
After a moment, Jane takes his hand. Then she leans in and
kisses him softly on the lips. His eyes scan hers, curious to
see how she reacts to this...
JANE
(suddenly)
Oh my God. What time is it?
JANE
Sorry I'm late.
CAROLYN
(overly cheerful)
No, no, that's quite all right,
dear. Your father and I were just
discussing his day at work.
(to Lester)
Why don't you tell our daughter
about it, honey?
(CONTINUED)
59.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
Janie, today I quit my job. And
then I told my boss to fuck
himself, and then I blackmailed him
for almost sixty thousand dollars.
Pass the asparagus.
CAROLYN
Your father seems to think this
kind of behavior is something to be
proud of.
LESTER
And your mother seems to prefer I
go through life like a fucking
prisoner while she keeps my dick in
a mason jar under the sink.
CAROLYN
(ashen)
How dare you speak to me that way
in front of her? And I marvel that
you can be so contemptuous of me,
on the same day that you lose your
job!
LESTER
Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not
like, "Oops, where'd my job go?" I
quit. Someone pass me the
asparagus.
CAROLYN
Oh! Oh! And I want to thank you for
putting me under the added pressure
of being the sole breadwinner now--
LESTER
I already have a job.
CAROLYN
(not stopping)
No, no, don't give a second thought
as to who's going to pay the
mortgage. We'll just leave it all
up to Carolyn. You mean, you're
going to take care of everything
now, Carolyn? Yes. I don't mind. I
really don't. You mean, everything?
You don't mind having the sole
responsibility, your husband feels
he can just quit his job--
(CONTINUED)
60.
CONTINUED: (2)
LESTER
(overlapping)
Will someone pass me the fucking
asparagus?
JANE
(rises)
Okay, I'm not going to be a part of
this--
LESTER
(means it)
Sit down.
LESTER (CONT'D)
I'm sick and tired of being treated
like I don't exist. You two do
whatever you want to do whenever
you want to do it and I don't
complain. All I want is the same
courtesy--
CAROLYN
(overlapping)
Oh, you don't complain? Oh, excuse
me. Excuse me. I must be psychotic
then, if you don't complain. What
is this?! Am I locked away in a
padded cell somewhere,
hallucinating? That's the only
explanation I can think of--
LESTER
(casual)
Don't interrupt me, honey.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Oh, and another thing. From now on,
we're going to alternate our dinner
music. Because frankly, and I don't
think I'm alone here, I'm really
tired of this Lawrence Welk shit.
61.
JANE
Go. Away.
CAROLYN (O.C.)
Honey, please let me in.
Jane rolls her eyes, crosses to the door and lets Carolyn in.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
I wish that you hadn't witnessed
that awful scene tonight. But in a
way, I'm glad.
JANE
Why, so I could see what freaks you
and Dad really are?
CAROLYN
Me?
JANE
Aw, Christ, Mom.
CAROLYN
(tearful)
No, I'm glad because you're old
enough now to learn the most
important lesson in life: you
cannot count on anyone except
yourself.
(sighs)
You cannot count on anyone except
yourself. It's sad, but true, and
the sooner you learn it, the
better.
JANE
Look, Mom, I really don't feel like
having a Kodak moment here, okay?
CAROLYN
You ungrateful little brat. Just
look at everything you have. When I
was your age, I lived in a duplex.
We didn't even have our own house.
COLONEL
You little bastard--
COLONEL (CONT'D)
How did you get in there?
COLONEL
(unnerved)
How!? How?! C'mon, get up! Fight
back, you little pussy!
RICKY
No, sir. I won't fight you.
(CONTINUED)
63.
CONTINUED:
The Colonel grabs him by the collar.
COLONEL
How did you get in there?
RICKY
I picked the lock, sir.
COLONEL
What were you looking for? Money?
Are you on dope again?
RICKY
No, sir. I wanted to show my
girlfriend your Nazi plate.
A beat.
COLONEL
Girlfriend?
RICKY
Yes, sir. She lives next door.
His POV: In the WINDOW across from us, Jane peeks out from
behind the drape. She quickly pulls it shut.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Her name's Jane.
COLONEL
This is for your own good, boy. You
have no respect for other people's
things, for authority, for...
RICKY
Sir, I'm sorry.
COLONEL
You can't just go around doing
whatever you feel like, you can't--
there are rules in life--
RICKY
Yes, sir.
COLONEL
You need structure, you need
discipline--
(CONTINUED)
64.
CONTINUED: (2)
RICKY
(simultaneous)
Discipline. Yes, sir, thank you for
trying to teach me. Don't give up
on me, Dad.
COLONEL
Oh, Ricky...
COLONEL (CONT'D)
You stay out of there.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
ATTENDANT
(loading gun)
I gotta say, Mrs. Burnham, when you
first came here I thought you would
be hopeless. But you're a natural.
CAROLYN
Well, all I know is... I love
shooting this gun!
(CONTINUED)
65.
CONTINUED:
ANGLE ON the GLOCK 19 sitting on the passenger seat amidst
some CDs. Carolyn takes the gun and holds it at arm's length,
admiring it as she continues to SING.
LESTER
What?
CAROLYN
Ah, whose car is that out front?
LESTER
Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The
car I always wanted and now I have
it. I rule!
CAROLYN
Where's the Camry?
LESTER
I traded it in.
CAROLYN
Shouldn't you have consulted me
first?
LESTER
Hmm, let me think... No. You never
drove it.
(then)
(CONTINUED)
66.
LESTER(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
Have you done something different?
You look great.
CAROLYN
(brusque)
Where's Jane?
LESTER
Jane not home. We have the whole
house to ourselves.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Christ, Carolyn. When did you
become so... joyless?
CAROLYN
(taken aback)
Joyless?! I am not joyless! There
happens to be a lot about me that
you don't know, mister smarty man.
There is plenty of joy in my life.
LESTER
(leaning toward her)
Whatever happened to that girl who
used to fake seizures at frat
parties when she got bored? And who
used to run up to the roof of our
first apartment building to flash
the traffic helicopters? Have you
totally forgotten about her?
Because I haven't.
CAROLYN
(barely audible)
Lester. You're going to spill beer
on the couch.
She's immediately sorry she said it, but it's too late. His
smile fades, and the moment is gone.
LESTER
So what? It's just a couch.
(CONTINUED)
67.
CONTINUED: (2)
CAROLYN
This is a four thousand dollar sofa
upholstered in Italian silk. This
is not "just a couch."
LESTER
It's just a couch!
LESTER (CONT'D)
This isn't life. This is just
stuff. And it's become more
important to you than living. Well,
honey, that's just nuts.
LESTER (CONT'D)
(calls after her)
I'm only trying to help you.
JANE
(shy)
Don't.
RICKY
Why?
JANE
(re: image on TV)
It's weird, watching myself. I
don't like how I look.
RICKY
I can't believe you don't know how
beautiful you are.
JANE
I'm not going to sit here for that
shit.
She gets out of bed, takes his Digicam and focuses it on him.
We see his image on the TV as she videotapes.
(CONTINUED)
68.
CONTINUED:
JANE (CONT'D)
Ha. How does it feel now?
RICKY
Fine.
JANE
You don't feel naked?
RICKY
I am naked.
JANE
You know what I mean.
JANE (CONT'D)
Tell me about being in the
hospital.
Ricky smiles.
RICKY
When I was fifteen, my dad caught
me smoking dope. He totally freaked
and decided to send me to military
school. I told you his whole thing
about structure and discipline,
right?
(laughs)
Well, of course, I got kicked out.
Dad and I had this huge fight, and
he hit me... and then the next day
at school, some kid made a crack
about my haircut, and... I just
snapped. I wanted to kill him. And
I would have. Killed him. If they
hadn't pulled me off.
(then)
That's when my dad put me in the
hospital. Then they drugged me up
and left me in there for two years.
JANE
Wow. You must really hate him.
RICKY
He's not a bad man.
JANE
Well... you better believe I'd hate
my father if he did something like
that to me.
(CONTINUED)
69.
JANE(CONT'D)
CONTINUED: (2)
(laughs)
Wait. I do hate my father.
RICKY
Why?
He passes her the joint, then takes the Digicam and focuses
it on her. We see her image on the TV as he videotapes.
JANE
He's a total asshole and he's got
this crush on my friend Angela and
it's disgusting.
RICKY
You'd rather he had the crush on
you?
JANE
Gross, no! But it'd be nice if I
was anywhere near as important to
him as she is.
(then)
I know you think my dad's harmless,
but you're wrong. He's doing
massive psychological damage to me.
RICKY
How?
Jane looks into the camera, a loopy, stoned grin on her face.
JANE
Well, now, I too need structure. A
little fucking discipline.
JANE (CONT'D)
I'm serious, though. How could he
not be damaging me? I need a father
who's a role model, not some horny
geek-boy who's gonna spray his
shorts whenever I bring a
girlfriend home from school.
(snorts)
What a lame-o. Somebody really
should put him out of his misery.
RICKY
Want me to kill him for you? Jane
looks at him and sits up.
(CONTINUED)
70.
CONTINUED: (3)
JANE
Yeah, would you?
RICKY
(smiles)
It'll cost you.
JANE
Well, I've been baby-sitting since
I was about ten. I've got almost
three thousand dollars. 'Course, I
was saving it up for a boob job.
She stands and sticks out her breasts, then falls back on the
bed, LAUGHING.
JANE (CONT'D)
But my tits can wait, huh?
RICKY
You know, that's not a very nice
thing to do, hiring somebody to
kill your dad.
JANE
Well, I guess I'm just not a very
nice girl, then, am I?
She smiles dreamily at him. He turns the Digicam off and the
TV screen goes BLUE. He lowers the camera and looks at her
intently.
JANE (CONT'D)
(suddenly nervous)
You know I'm not serious, right?
RICKY
Of course.
He puts the Digicam down and joins Jane on the bed. A long
moment where neither of them speaks. He caresses her hair,
gazing into her eyes.
RICKY (CONT'D)
Do you know how lucky we are to
have found each other?
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE IN:
(CONTINUED)
71.
CONTINUED: (4)
LESTER
Remember those posters that said,
"Today is the first day of the rest
of your life?" Well, that's true of
every day except one.
(a beat)
The day you die.
CAROLYN
Jane, hurry up. I've got a very
important appointment--
JANE
Mom, is it okay if Angela sleeps
over tonight?
CAROLYN
Well, of course, she's always
welcome.
(on her way out)
You know, I thought maybe you two
had a fight. I haven't seen her
around here in a while.
LESTER
What?
(CONTINUED)
72.
CONTINUED:
JANE
(nervous)
I've been too embarrassed to bring
her over. Because of you, and the
way that you behave.
LESTER
What are you talking about? I've
barely even spoken to her.
JANE
(angry)
Dad! You stare at her all the time,
like you're drunk! It's disgusting!
LESTER
(angry himself)
You better watch yourself, Janie,
or you're going to turn into a real
bitch, just like your mother.
LESTER (CONT'D)
(under his breath)
Fuck.
COLONEL
(brusque)
You ready to go?
RICKY
Oh, I don't need a ride. I'm going
to go in with Jane and her mom.
(CONTINUED)
73.
CONTINUED:
Jane leans forward from the passenger seat and glares at us.
As Ricky starts to get in the car, Lester emerges from the
house in his sweatpants.
LESTER
Yo, Ricky. How's it going?
RICKY
Pretty decent, Mr. Burnham.
Ricky pulls his door shut, but not before Lester mouths "call
me" and Ricky gives a slight nod in acknowledgment.
Lester's POV: The Colonel watches the car driving off, then
looks at us. His face tightens.
He stands and looks around, his eyes finally landing on: The
DIGICAM and a stack of CASSETTES on a shelf. The camera is
still connected to the TV. The Colonel turns on the TV,
examines the Digicam and presses "play." The TV's blank
screen suddenly gives way to...
(CONTINUED)
74.
CONTINUED:
CO-WORKER
Hey Lester, I need that Super
Smiley with cheese, A.S.A.P.
LESTER
You need more than that, my little
hombre.
CAROLYN (O.S.)
(over speakers)
What's good here?
BUDDY (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Nothing.
CAROLYN (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Then I guess we'll just have to be
bad, won't we?
(then)
I think I'll have a double Smiley
Sandwich and curly fries, and a
vanilla shake.
BUDDY (O.C.)
(over speakers)
Make that two.
CAROLYN
I think we deserve a little junk
food, after the workout we had this
morning.
BUDDY
(nuzzles her neck)
I'm flattered.
(CONTINUED)
75.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
(overly cheerful)
Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's!
Carolyn almost jumps out of her skin. Lester leans out of the
drive-thru window, grinning at her, holding bags filled with
fast food. The Counter Girl stands next to him, staring
blankly.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Would you like to try our new beef
and cheese pot pie on a stick, just
a dollar ninety-nine for a limited
time only?
CAROLYN
(re: Buddy)
We were just at a seminar.
(then, all business)
Buddy, this is my--
LESTER
Her husband. We've met before, but
something tells me you're going to
remember me this time.
COUNTER GIRL
(to Carolyn)
Whoa. You are so busted.
CAROLYN
(flustered)
You know, this really doesn't
concern you.
LESTER
Actually, Janeane is senior drive-
thru manager, so you kind of are on
her turf.
(to Carolyn, quietly)
So. This makes sense.
CAROLYN
(miserable)
Oh, Lester--
LESTER
Honey, it's okay. I want you to be
happy.
(then)
Would you like Smiley Sauce with
that?
(CONTINUED)
76.
CONTINUED: (2)
CAROLYN
Lester, just stop it!
LESTER
Uh-uh. You don't get to tell me
what to do. Ever again.
BUDDY
I'm sorry. I guess we should cool
it for a while. I'm facing a
potentially very expensive divorce.
CAROLYN
Oh, no. I understand completely.
(sarcastic)
In order to be successful, one must
project an image of success. At all
times.
She regrets it the second it's out of her mouth, and turns to
him. He just looks at her sadly, then gets out of the car and
shuts the door. She starts to CRY. As before, she SLAPS
herself, hard.
CAROLYN (CONT'D)
Stop it. Stop it!
She closes her eyes tight, trying to stop the tears, then
suddenly SCREAMS as loud as she can.
(CONTINUED)
77.
CONTINUED:
His POV: His arms are pumped.
LESTER
Shit.
RICKY
(getting up)
I have to run next door. Jane left
her geometry book in my bag and she
needs it to do her homework.
He heads into the hall. The Colonel watches him go, uneasy.
ANGELA
So you and psycho boy are fucking
on like, a regular basis now,
right?
JANE
(irritable)
No.
ANGELA
Oh, come on. You can tell me. Does
he have a big dick?
JANE
Look, I'm not gonna talk about his
dick with you, okay? It's not like
that.
ANGELA
Not like what? Doesn't he have one?
(then)
Why don't you want to talk about
it? I mean, I tell you every single
detail about every guy that I fuck.
(CONTINUED)
78.
CONTINUED:
JANE
Yeah, and maybe you shouldn't, all
right? Maybe I don't really want to
hear all that.
ANGELA
Oh, so now that you have a
boyfriend, you're like, above it?
(rolls her eyes)
We gotta get you a real man.
His POV: Through the window over the sink, we can see into
the Burnham's GARAGE WINDOW. Our view is blurred by the RAIN,
but we see Lester, his upper body pumped and glistening in
sweat as he counts out a wad of BILLS... and then Ricky walks
into view.
His POV: Lester drapes his arm around Ricky as he gives him
the money. We can only see Lester from the waist up, so he
looks naked.
Ricky, his hair wet from the rain, puts the cash in his
pocket. Lester's arm remains draped around his shoulder.
RICKY
(grins)
You got any papers?
LESTER
Yeah, in the cigar box, right over
there.
(laughs)
You know, put up a fight, dude! You
are such a pushover. "No I can't.
Really. Okay."
RICKY
You should learn to roll a joint.
Lester sits in the bowl chair and leans back, his hands
behind his head, watching Ricky roll the joint.
79.
LESTER
Oh. Hi.
JANE
Where's Mom?
LESTER
Don't know.
ANGELA
Hi, Mr. Burnham.
LESTER
Hi.
ANGELA
Wow. Look at you. Have you been
working out?
LESTER
Some.
Jane rolls her eyes and exits. Angela walks over to Lester.
ANGELA
You can really tell. Look at those
arms.
(CONTINUED)
80.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
You like muscles?
ANGELA
I--I should probably go see what
Jane's up to.
And she heads out quickly. Lester watches her go, baffled.
Ricky enters, wet from the pouring rain, and crosses to his
bureau, pulling the wad of CASH out of his pocket as he goes.
COLONEL (O.C.)
Where'd you get that? Ricky turns,
startled.
His POV: The Colonel steps out of the shadows. Ricky takes a
step back.
RICKY
From my job.
COLONEL
Don't lie to me.
(beat)
I saw you with him.
RICKY
(incredulous)
You were watching me?
COLONEL
What did he make you do?
RICKY
(laughs)
Dad, you don't really think... me
and Mr. Burnham?
COLONEL
(furious)
Don't you laugh at me!
(then)
I will not sit back and watch my
only son become a cocksucker!
RICKY
Jesus, what is with you--
(CONTINUED)
81.
CONTINUED:
COLONEL
I swear to God, I will throw you
out of this house and never look at
you again.
RICKY
(taken aback)
You mean that?
COLONEL
Damn straight I do. I'd rather you
were dead than be a fucking faggot.
RICKY
You're right. I suck dick for
money.
COLONEL
Boy--
RICKY
Two thousand dollars. I'm that
good.
COLONEL
Get out.
RICKY
And you should see me fuck. I'm the
best piece of ass in three states.
COLONEL
(explodes)
Get out!! I don't ever want to see
you again!!
RICKY
What a sad old man you are.
COLONEL
(a whisper)
Get out.
Ricky grabs his backpack, turns and walks out the door,
leaving the Colonel standing there, glassy-eyed and breathing
heavily.
82.
RICKY
Mom, I'm leaving.
A beat.
BARBARA
Okay, wear a raincoat.
RICKY
(hugs her)
I wish things would have been
better for you. Take care of Dad.
He kisses her cheek softly, then exits out the back door,
leaving her standing alone, still clutching her dish.
The Colonel's POV: Below us, Ricky dashes through the rain to
the Burnham's front door and knocks. Lester opens it and lets
him in.
TAPE VOICE
--disinvesting problems of their
power, and removing their ability
to make us afraid. This is the
secret to "me-centered" living.
Only by taking full responsibility
for your problems--and their
solutions--will you ever be able to
break free from the constant cycle
of victimhood.
(CONTINUED)
83.
CONTINUED:
Carolyn leans over and open the glove compartment. She takes
out her GLOCK 19.
JANE
I don't think we could be friends
anymore.
ANGELA
You are way too uptight about sex.
JANE
Just don't fuck my dad, all right?
Please?
ANGELA
Why not?
JANE
(angry)
Dad! Leave us alone!
RICKY (O.C.)
It's me.
Jane jumps up and opens the door and lets him in.
RICKY (CONT'D)
(to Jane)
If I had to leave tonight, would
you come with me?
JANE
What?
RICKY
If I had to go to New York. To
live. Tonight. Would you come with
me?
JANE
Yes.
ANGELA
You guys can't be serious.
(to Jane)
(CONTINUED)
84.
ANGELA(CONT'D)
CONTINUED:
You're just a kid. And he's like, a
mental case. You'll end up living
in a box on the street.
JANE
I'm no more a kid than you are!
( to Ricky)
We can use my plastic surgery
money.
RICKY
We won't have to. I have over forty
thousand dollars. And I know people
in the city who can help us get set
up.
ANGELA
What, other drug dealers?
RICKY
Yes.
ANGELA
Jane, you'd be out of your mind to
go with him.
JANE
Why do you even care?
ANGELA
Because you're my friend!
RICKY
She's not your friend. She's
somebody you use to feel better
about yourself.
ANGELA
Go fuck yourself, psycho!
JANE
You shut up, bitch!
ANGELA
Jane! He is a freak!
JANE
Well, then so am I! And we'll
always be freaks and we'll never be
like other people. And you'll never
be a freak because you're just too
perfect.
ANGELA
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I'm not
ugly.
(CONTINUED)
85.
CONTINUED: (2)
RICKY
Yes, you are. And you're boring.
And you're totally ordinary. And
you know it.
ANGELA
You two deserve each other.
And she exits, SLAMMING the door behind her. Jane turns to
Ricky and he takes her in his arms.
His POV: Lester finishes his last rep, then racks the weights
and sits up, sweaty and out of breath. He runs his free hand
over his chest... and then he glances at us, suddenly aware
he's being watched.
LESTER
Jesus, man. You're soaked.
(CONTINUED)
86.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
You want me to get Ricky? He's in
Jane's room.
LESTER (CONT'D)
You okay?
COLONEL
(his voice thick)
Where's your wife?
LESTER
Uh... I don't know. Probably out
fucking that dorky prince of real
estate asshole. And you know what?
I don't care.
COLONEL
Your wife is with another man and
you don't care?
LESTER
Nope, our marriage is just for
show. A commercial, for how normal
we are. When we are anything but.
LESTER (CONT'D)
You're shaking.
LESTER (CONT'D)
We really should get you out of
these clothes.
COLONEL
(a whisper)
Yes...
He opens his eyes and looks at Lester, his face filled with
an anguished vulnerability we wouldn't have thought possible
from him. His eyes are brimming with tears. Lester leans in,
concerned.
LESTER
It's okay.
(CONTINUED)
87.
CONTINUED: (2)
COLONEL
(hoarse)
I...
LESTER
(softly)
Just tell me what you need.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm sorry. You
got the wrong idea.
TAPE VOICE
"I refuse to be a victim." When
this becomes your mantra,
constantly running through your
head--
Carolyn switches the TAPE OFF and puts the gun in her purse.
CAROLYN
I refuse to be a victim.
ANGELA
I hope you don't mind if I play the
stereo.
(CONTINUED)
88.
CONTINUED:
Lester leans against the wall and takes a swig of his beer.
LESTER
Not at all.
(then)
Bad night?
ANGELA
Not really bad, just... strange.
LESTER
(grins)
Believe me. It couldn't possibly be
any stranger than mine.
ANGELA
Jane and I had a fight.
(after a beat)
It was about you.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
She's mad at me because I said I
think you're sexy.
LESTER
(offering beer)
Do you want a sip?
She nods. Lester holds the bottle up to her mouth and she
drinks clumsily. He gently wipes her chin with the back of
his hand.
LESTER (CONT'D)
So... are you going to tell me?
What you want?
ANGELA
I don't know.
LESTER
You don't know?
ANGELA
What do you want?
(CONTINUED)
89.
CONTINUED: (2)
LESTER
Are you kidding? I want you. I've
wanted you since the first moment I
saw you. You are the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen.
ANGELA
You don't think I'm ordinary?
LESTER
You couldn't be ordinary if you
tried.
ANGELA
Thank you.
(far away)
I don't think there's anything
worse than being ordinary...
CAROLYN
I refuse to be a victim. I refuse
to be a victim. I refuse to be a
victim...
(angry)
Lester, I have something I have to
say to you...
JANE
Are you scared?
RICKY
I don't get scared.
JANE
My parents will try to find me.
(CONTINUED)
90.
CONTINUED:
RICKY
Mine won't.
ANGELA
This is my first time.
Lester LAUGHS.
LESTER
You're kidding.
ANGELA
(a whisper)
I'm sorry.
A beat. Lester looks down at her, his grin fading. His POV:
Angela lies beneath us, embarrassed and vulnerable. This is
not the mythically carnal creature of Lester's fantasies;
this is a nervous child.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
I still want to do it... I just
thought I should tell you... in
case you wondered why I wasn't...
better.
ANGELA (CONT'D)
(confused)
What's wrong? I thought you said I
was beautiful.
LESTER
(tenderly)
You are beautiful.
LESTER (CONT'D)
You are so beautiful... and I would
be a very lucky man...
(CONTINUED)
91.
CONTINUED:
ANGELA
I feel so stupid.
LESTER
Don't.
ANGELA
I'm sorry.
LESTER
You have nothing to be sorry about.
But she keeps crying. Lester hugs her again. We HEAR a loud
CLAP of THUNDER outside.
LESTER (CONT'D)
(smiles)
It's okay. Everything's okay.
Her POV: The RED DOOR of the Burnham house stands out, even
in the pouring rain.
ANGELA
Wow. I was starving.
LESTER
Do you want me to make you another
one?
ANGELA
No, no, no. I'm fine.
(CONTINUED)
92.
CONTINUED:
LESTER
(concerned)
You sure?
ANGELA
I mean, I'm still a little weirded
out, but...
(sincerely)
...I feel better. Thanks.
LESTER
How's Jane?
ANGELA
What do you mean?
LESTER
I mean, how's her life? Is she
happy? Is she miserable? I'd really
like to know, and she'd die before
she'd ever tell me about it.
ANGELA
She's... she's really happy. She
thinks she's in love.
LESTER
(quietly)
Good for her.
An awkward beat.
ANGELA
How are you?
LESTER
(smiles, taken aback)
God, it's been a long time since
anybody asked me that.
(thinks about it)
I'm great.
ANGELA
(suddenly)
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
She crosses off. Lester watches her go, then stands there
wondering why he should suddenly feel so content.
(CONTINUED)
93.
CONTINUED: (2)
LESTER
(laughs)
I'm great.
LESTER (CONT'D)
Man oh man...
(softly)
Man oh man oh man...
Ricky opens the door from the dining room, then stops. Jane
appears behind him.
JANE
Oh God.
His POV: Lester looks back at us; his eyes are lifeless, but
he's smiling the same slight smile.
(CONTINUED)
94.
CONTINUED:
RICKY
(an awed whisper)
Wow.
LESTER (V.O.)
I had always heard your entire life
flashes in front of your eyes the
second before you die.
LESTER (V.O.)
First of all, that one second isn't
a second at all, it stretches on
forever, like an ocean of time...
LESTER (V.O.)
For me, it was lying on my back at
Boy Scout camp, watching falling
stars...
LESTER (V.O.)
And yellow leaves, from the maple
trees, that lined my street...
(CONTINUED)
95.
CONTINUED:
LESTER (V.O.)
Or my grandmother's hands, and the
way her skin seemed like paper...
FLASHES BRILLIANTLY.
LESTER (V.O.)
And the first time I saw my cousin
Tony's brand new Firebird...
In BLACK & WHITE: Jane opens her bedroom door, staring at us.
LESTER (V.O.)
And Janie...
LESTER (V.O.)
And Janie...
LESTER (V.O.)
(with love)
And... Carolyn.
LESTER (V.O.)
I guess I could be pretty pissed
off about what happened to me...
but it's hard to stay mad, when
there's so much beauty in the
world. Sometimes I feel like I'm
seeing it all at once, and it's too
much, my heart fills up like a
balloon that's about to burst...
LESTER (V.O.)
...and then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like
rain and I can't feel anything but
gratitude for every single moment
of my stupid little life...
(amused)
You have no idea what I'm talking
about, I'm sure. But don't worry...
FADE TO BLACK.
THE END
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