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My Experience with TRUE LOVE...

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My Experience with TRUE LOVE…
Theory of Love and scientific & spiritual explanations of Love Events…

Vinod Kumar Chauhan

 My Experience with TRUE LOVE…

This is second book of Vinod Kumar Chauhan. He has

written this book at Himachal Pradesh University Shimla
while doing his masters in Computer Applications although
he has edited and published this book while doing Ph.D. at
Panjab University Chandigarh. While doing his masters,
author fell in love with one special girl. Before author fell
in love, he had never paid attention to girls. Moreover
before he fell in love, he believed that love is absurd and
time waste thing. This is a TRUE LOVE of the author for
that girl and unfortunately one sided also. Author
experienced the pain of this one sided love for around two
and half (currently around six) years and tried to express
his love. During this journey of two and a half year, author
experienced the different aspects of love and later written
them in his diary towards the end of his MCA which taken
the form of a book and in this way this book came into
existence and a simple person turned into a poet and writer.
In this book author has shared his love story along with
different experiences of True Love. Earlier author has
named this book as ‘My Experiment with Love’ but later
changed it because the title was already booked and it was
giving negative sense also. There is one companion book
viz. “मेरी भावनाएं , मेरी किवताएं ” which again author has written at
HPU Shimla. That book again is based on his love story;
here he has expressed the pain of one sided love story
through poetry. The purpose of this book is to share the
love story through experience with True Love.

i
 About the Author…
Vinod Kumar Chauhan is B.Sc. (Non Med.), MCA and
Ph.D. (pursuing). He has done MCA from HPU Shimla in
2012. He has served as Software Engineer in Impetus
InfoTech Pvt. Ltd. for around two years and then served as
an Assistant Professor at BVICAM, New Delhi for more
than one year. Now he is a Junior Research Fellow (PhD) at
Panjab University
Chandigarh.

He is a poet, a writer, a
thinker, a philosopher, a
good human being, a
spiritual and crazy person.
He has respect for all
religions but beyond this,
he has faith in Humanity,
he is a Humanitarian.

To know more about author and his other book, visit his
website-
https://sites.google.com/site/jmdvinodjmd/
Check Facebook a/c at-
https://www.facebook.com/jmdvinodjmd
Check twitter a/c at-
https://www.twitter.com/jmdvinodjmd
OR mail him at-
[email protected]

ii
My Experience with TRUE LOVE

JAI MATA DI…

Vinod Kumar Chauhan

iii
 Powered by pothi.com

My Experience with TRUE LOVE…

Copyright © Vinod Kumar Chauhan 2016

All rights reserved.
Hamirpur, Himachal Pradesh (INDIA)

This book is based on True Love and experiences therein…

Cover page designed by

Miss Shivani Joshi
Designer

Proof Reading by
Mr. Sunil Kumar Thakur
MA, PhD (pursuing) HPU Shimla

ISBN No.: 978-93-5267-593-7

Book Type: Non Fiction, Love & Philosophy
Published On: 8 Feb. 2016
Publisher: Self-Publication

Printed By
Vinod Kumar Chauhan,
Hamirpur, Himachal Pradesh (INDIA).

Audience: This book is especially for those who felt the TRUE
LOVE for someone special.

NOTE: The details (name or any other information) of the girl with whom author fell in
Love are misrepresented to hide her identity.

iv
 Acknowledgements

First of all, I want to thanks the Almighty for blessing me

with the wonderful Feelings and a strong energy of True
Love. I believe those who fell in Love are lucky and special
because of the feelings and positive energy associated with
it. So I am whole heartedly obliged to be selected.

Next deep inside my heart, I am thankful to Miss Shivani*,

for being the source of all these feelings and energy. All
this is only because of you…

I want to thanks my friends, teachers and family members

for directly or indirectly helping me to write this book.

I want to thanks Miss Shivani Joshi for designing cover

page and Mr. Sunil Kumar Thakur for proof reading my
book.

Vinod
2016

* Name is imaginary to hide the identity of girl.

v
Inspired from & Dedicated to
Miss S., Shivani

vi
 Index
Sr. No. Chapter Name Page No.
1. Introduction 1
2. Love in First Sight 3
3. My Experiment with Love 6
4. How to Get Started 8
5. My Poetry My Feelings 12
6. Love is Constructive 15
7. She’s Perfect 17
8. Her Attitude Her Personality 19
9. When I Sunk into My Own-self 20
10. Love is Spiritual Concept 24
11. Theory of Love 26
12. Realization of Feelings 30
13. The Consequences of First Propose 35
14. Second Attempt 36
15. Second Propose 39
16. Consequences of Second Propose 43
17. Torture Continues 45
18. My SMSs My Feelings 47
19. Love is a Blessing 50
20. The Eyes 52
21. Symptoms of a True Love 54
22. Incomplete without You 56
23. Love doesn’t necessitate to be together 57
24. She couldn’t Understand Me 59
25. Come back come to the Real 60
26. Love is Unending 62
27. Let’s see how the Story Ends 65
28. Love is Pain 67
29. She’s Everywhere 69
30. Love and Sex 72
31. Love is a Journey 75
32. Love is beyond Madness and Logic 77
33. It’s difficult to Persist 79
34. My Love Story in Nutshell 81
35. Important Events of My Love Story 84
36. The End 93
37. Message for Shivani 95

vii
 1. Introduction

Love is one of the strongest energies of the world, is

invisibly and spiritually holding the objects together e.g.
energy holding the earth and the sun together, the energy
holding mother and son together etc. Love is infinite and
exists in infinite number of forms. Nobody can show,
explain, teach and write about Love, we can only feel this
energy while being in Love. So what can you expect in this
book? First as I said, it has infinite number of forms so here
we are about to talk about only one form of Love and that
is Love between a lover and beloved. Second as already
said, nobody can talk about absolute love. Simply saying,
nobody can exactly tell, “What is Love?” We can only talk
about different events (Love Events) which used to happen
in Love and different effects (called Love Effects) which
Love has on our lives. So I will be talking about my
experience of a True Love through these events and effects.
Here I would be sharing my experiences with the help of
my Love Story.
Who can even imagine that even I could fall in Love! I
used to consider Love as an absurd thing before I fell into
it. So from these lines this point is quite clear that nobody
can guarantee that he/she will not fall in Love whatsoever
is his/her nature and type.
Till the first semester in MCA, I never paid any attention
towards girls. I don’t have any interest in girls and most
important point was that I never had free time for all this.
As I am, I was always busy in study and having no time for

1
any extra activity. Right from my childhood, I am like that,
always busy in my own self. Even during college time I
never paid any attention towards girls. As I used to reach
college or in the path between home and college, I didn’t
look at girls like other boys and just try to escape from
girl’s sight. I didn’t talk to them and by chance if any try to
talk to me then I try to reply in yes or no. In college during
vacant periods, I used to study my books. I didn’t have any
close friends. So you can say I was isolated from the rest
world. Even at home I didn’t use to interact with other boys
in my village. Either I used to study at room or go out for
grazing sheep, goats, and oxen in jungle and used to study
there. So my life till the end of first semester was totally
confined to my own self, no interaction to the outside
world. I was working hard for the realization of my dreams.
Although when I came to HPU, I realized that I lagging the
world and I need to update myself as per the time.

2
 2. Love in First Sight

My life suddenly took a sharp turn in the beginning of

second semester. I returned to University after the end of
first semester vacation on 3rd March 2010 after enjoying the
Holi fair. By that time my friends have already reached and
University has already reopened. They daily used to go for
taking sugarcane juice at Love Point (A place near
University chowk, where road to girl hostel and Thandi
Sadak starts, I have named it because I fell in love here).
They told me about this and asked me to accompany them.
Since it was only the start of semester and I was not quite
busy so I decided to go with them. I don’t remember
exactly, it was either 4th or 5th March 2010; I had gone to
Love Point for taking juice with Navneet Sharma (one of
my closest friends and my room-mate at HPU). It was
around five o’clock in the evening.
We ordered two juices and once it was ready we started
taking it. Meanwhile a group of girls was heading towards
the Love Point. Since it was a point on girl’s hostel road so
one can expect such things. As already said I used to escape
from girl’s confrontations so in order to escape this group
which was heading towards us, as usual I simply turned
opposite to this group of girls, facing my friend Navneet.
Now that girls group which was heading towards the Love
Point stopped there obviously for taking juice. I was facing
Navneet and he was facing me and girls. We kept enjoying
juice and talking for some time. Navneet placed the empty
glass back and he also paid for juice or we had already

3
paid, I don’t remember exactly. Person selling juice was on
right side of the road. We were standing on his right and
girls were on his left. I was standing in between Navneet
and girls. Now I turned to my right to place the empty juice
glass back and then further right towards the girls to get
back, my eyes clashed with a girl standing on second
position with respect to the juice seller’s side. She was
wearing a simple suite with white (my favorite color)
sweater. All of a sudden I felt a strong shock; Hundreds of
pictures flashed through my mind, reminding me some old
and deep connection with her. I lost myself in her calm,
self-composed, deep eyes carrying peace with very high
positive energy. Her eyes were containing a new world
where there was peace and only peace and perhaps this was
the peace-land which I had always dreamt of. She took off
her eyes but I kept watching and wanted to keep staring for
some more time but because of my own nature I could not
look at her more than two to three seconds. It was first time
when my eyes wanted to stare at a girl because before this I
was afraid of girls and used to skip their sight. Her eyes
told me, “Oh! You, I found you….” It appeared as she also
had the same feelings. I felt as I knew her for a long time,
we had an old relationship. Moreover a number of unclear
pictures of her flashed through my head which remained
un-interpretable for my poor mind. I felt strongly connected
with her and because of these feelings of connectedness I
was being drawn towards her and this is how I fell in Love
with Shivani; it was love in first sight. My heart was feeling
these feelings but poor mind was unable to handle this
incident. How to express myself, what to say, my mind was

4
completely unaware of this. After all I had escaped of girls
for years and now suddenly why I wanted to stare at one
particular girl? Why did I want to see her for some more
time and, again and again? Who was she? These were the
questions that remained questions for my mind. My mind
has got unstable, either it needs to be taught about this
incident or need to give some false explanation for all this.
It was difficult to understand this incident so my mind
created its own story to fool me about this incident.

5
 3. My Experiment with Love

Before I felt the strongly connectedness with Shivani, I

didn’t use to talk to girls and use to escape from their sight
but at the same time I was aware that I need to update
myself for the survival in the IT industry after all I was
going to become a Software Engineer. So for a long time
(since my college time) I want to start talking to girls to
update myself but I couldn’t do that. After seeing her first
time, my heart felt the feelings and fell in Love with
Shivani but my mind could not understand the whole scene
so my mind fooled me something like this- it told me that I
would update myself with the help of Shivani. And most
dangerous thing, it asked me to carry out an experiment in
which I was supposed to talk to her as a final outcome. The
day when I would be able to talk to her, on that day my
experiment would be complete and this is how, I would
improve my personality. Now as per my heart (due to
feelings) and my mind (because of experiment), I was
supposed to see her. Outer actions looked same but inner
assumptions were quite different. So at this point from my
actions both seemed to be in sync but they were not
actually in sync; this was the first phase of Love i.e. Having
Feelings (to be discussed later). My heart was feeling
something and mind was telling something different. Since
my mind was calling it an experiment initially so I named
this love story as ‘My Experiment with Love’ earlier but
later changed the name because name was clashing with a
novel and name was also making negative sense. I felt the

6
feelings of connectedness every time I saw her and because
of that I found myself being drawn towards her.
Something strong happened inside and I was going to
express it to the world so how to do that, really that was
quite tough, in fact this story was necessary for mind also.
So get back to the Love Point, still we were getting back
from there and they were also leaving towards the girl’s
hostel. Since at that time Navneet was with me so I told
him something like this- indicating Shivani I told him that
she looked good to me and in order to update myself I
wanted to see her and wanted to do an experiment to update
myself. Such statement was quite obvious from me as how
could one person suddenly go behind a girl who never used
to even talk about girls. Perhaps Navneet replied like this-
good that’s good. At that time he might be thinking and
feeling happy that somehow I had started talking about
girls because he was my room-mate and I used to deny him
and other friends like Ashok and Manoj, to talk about girls
in my room.
So here three points are clear-
First: It’s not predictable when one could fell in Love.
Second: Anybody could fall in Love.
Third: The beautiful feelings of Love are not easily realized
and your logic (mind) can confuse you about your true
feelings for someone.

7
 4. How to get Started?

After seeing her the very first time at Love Point, I have an
intense feeling to see her again so I followed her time to the
Love Point even the next day and I was pretty happy to see
her at the same time and same place. Now next step was to
have information about her department because it was not
possible to find her there every time. Since she used to pass
the Love point around 5 o’clock and one day my graduation
classmate Surbhi* was also passing through the point in
another group at the same timings so I made a smart guess
that she might belong to the same department as that of
Surbhi (Chemistry department) and later it proved so. She
was doing M.Sc. and joined University in same session. We
(her and my department) were going for a picnic to the
Hatu Peak. On that day I saw her at the University Chowk
and followed her to the department with Ashok to know her
department and this is how I confirmed her department.
Then later that day I saw her many times during the picnic
and also clicked her pictures obviously from a distance in
indirect way. But, what next? How to satisfy the strong
desire to see her again?
When I entered the Science section first time in first
semester I got scared after seeing students there studying in
very disciplined and serious way. So I started to study in
the 24*7 Hour section which was not so serious. It was too
much crowded and too noisy. So in second semester I
decided to upgrade my seat to Science section perhaps now
I was eligible to study there. There were other sections also

8
in the library like Cold Section and B.Ed. sections but I
liked the Science section the most. I wanted to see her
again but I didn’t know how to do that. Among this
uncertainty I decided to go to library and started my study
for this semester. As decided earlier I went to Science
section to study there. In science section there are two
parts: inner and outer parts. Outer two walls are raised
about 5 to 6 feet with a sitting capacity of two tables (width
wise) and a path between those two rows which together
form the outer part and remaining an inner part. I sat in the
inner lower part of science section facing the wall of outer
section. Perhaps nature was also creating environment to
bring us together. I was studying there and as I raised my
head I saw her sitting in outer part of science section right
before me. She was at right angle to me, facing the pillar.
Now it was quite easy for me to see her. In fact I want to
use a term which people quite often use and that is ‘Line
maarna’. So here, yes here in the science section I learned
how to Line a girl. Was this so easy for me? Of course not
and you would definitely laugh when I would describe how
I used to line Shivani.
The Nature had created the environment for me, now it was
my turn to carry out my actions. She was just before me
and only thing I need to do was that I just need to move my
head upward to see her. But it was not that much easy for a
person who never used to see girls, escape their sight, was
afraid of girls and was very introvert. Heart was drawing
towards her because of feelings, mind was asking to see her
to be successful in experiment and update myself; and I
was shivering to even see her once in a while. So this is

9
how I used to see her: First I used to mentally prepare
myself for seeing her, fill myself with confidence to be able
to see her and then once in an hour I dare to raise my head
upward to see her. I became regular in science section,
started to occupy the same seat and keep lining Shivani
without letting her know (which was very strange thing if
you have ever lined some girl because generally we expect
an eye clash). Then a very interesting thing happened after
some days, perhaps she got an idea that person sitting left
of her on lower inner part watch her so in order to confirm
this she tried to check it out. When I used to see her, she
used to turn her head to her left to confirm this but I
immediately put my head down, after all I was very afraid
of girls. At that time one thing that was important to me
was that whether I was looking at her or not and it was not
important whether she was looking back or not. It was the
beginning; slowly-slowly I developed confidence and was
able to look at her comfortably. Second semester I passed
in the lower inner part of the science section, enjoying the
feeling of connectedness with Shivani while watching her
whenever I felt to do so. She was also regular in library and
except the lecture hours she used to spent whole time in the
library that way nature created the best environment for me
and without any need to follow her (as usually boys have to
do), I was able to line her effortlessly. Then I got many
opportunities to saw her in library, campus, department,
outside library etc.
Actually I sat in lower inner part for around two months
only then I changed my seat to outer part, close to Shivani.
In third semester, I started coming to library before Shivani

10
and selected such a seat that I could see her, whatever seat
she would choose. I sat on upper part of Science section
behind her previous seat. She was also very smart when she
returned to library she chose the seat opposite to me. I was
sitting beside a huge pillar and sat on other side. So both of
us used to sit together, separated by a pillar and facing
away from pillar. No doubt she had chosen a seat which
was not in my view but still she had to pass by me and
travel a long path in front of my eyes before she could
leave the Science section. I sat there for the rest of my
MCA and she also remained on that seat till the last. In this
way, daily I got enough time to see her while moving and
feeling her presence just with me.

11
 5. My Poetry My Feelings

The Feelings that I have for her, in deep inside my heart,

produced different sensations at different times whenever
she appeared before me. These feelings sometimes
produced sensations of excitation without any reason and
sometimes the sensations pinching my heart. Feelings that
excited me really made me happy but due to her negative
response towards me, it hurt my feelings. Sometimes these
feelings made me happy and sometimes sad. Sometimes
happiness and sadness arose at the same time. Whenever
she was before me I was happy because I was able to enjoy
the feelings of connectedness but I was sad because she
didn’t talk to me and it kept pinching me. If I was happy at
some time due her then there was no guarantee that I would
be happy in the next moment too. Thus here I could infer a
general point about love, “In love if you are happy due to
some incident then at the same incident you can be sad too.
Moreover at one moment if you are happy then it is not
sure that you would be able to persist in the same state and
could jump to other extreme.”
Oh! Really all these feelings are very strange. Those people
who haven’t fell in love, who haven’t experienced these
feelings; I think they haven’t lived their life. We can’t buy
such feelings. Really those people who have experienced
these feelings are the blessed ones.
I tried to approach her many times but I couldn’t even talk
to her. So my feelings remained hurt all the times.
Whenever I tried to talk to my friends about these feelings

12
and the related pain, they could not understand and these
feelings remained confined to me. I found an alternative
method to express my feelings and it was expressing them
into words carrying all that pain. Yes it was using poems. I
wrote my first poem in the second semester on 30th April
2010. I wrote it while moving from hostel to library in the
morning and it was ‘Ek Rishta’ (you can refer to my other
poetry book for these poems). I started to express my
feelings as poems and till this date I have written around 30
poems (number 30 was when I was writing this book in 5th
or 6th semester but now it is more than 50). Almost all the
poems are carrying the pain of my hurt feelings so these
poems are not just rhythmic flow of words rather every
poem, every word has its own story. Here one point need to
be cleared is that they hardly contain 5-10% of my feelings
what I felt at the particular moment when I wrote these. So
once again I can draw an inference about love is, “The
basis of love are hour feelings and nobody can express
these feelings, nobody can make others understand the
feelings. Feelings could only be felt, realized by certain
blessed people.” So my poetry for her is simply my feelings
more precisely only a bit of my feelings expressed under
very special high states of my heart. Each poem is telling
its own story, is in its own flow. I informed Shivani about
this that I have written around 30 poems for her but as
usual there was no response from her side. There is one
good news that I have published all those poems which I
have written for her into a book named “मेरी भावनाएं,
मेरी किवताएं”. When I left HPU in June 2012 by that time I
have completed 40 poems. I thought I will forget her in the

13
industry but in spite of a lot of efforts I couldn’t do that and
continued to write poems expressing my helplessness and
loneliness. Later I decided to publish my poetry with a
collection of 49 poems. I have true feelings for her and only
she used to run on my mind. I am good human being and in
spite of other good characteristics I couldn’t even talk to
her, God knows how to impress girls but yes I failed to do
so.

14
 6. Love is Constructive

When you fall in love that means the time to improve your
personality has come. Day to day you improve and you
gain something. You can never lose anything in the real
sense. We work on our weak areas, we try to follow her
good traits, we try to do good things to create a better
impression and because of all these we keep on improving
day by day. That’s why Love is Constructive always. When
we love someone we see goodness in their actions, we can
notice their actions which are better than others. In fact we
can see goodness only in their actions and try to follow that
goodness. We like to adopt their good things to feel close to
her and approach her. In this way each time we see her, we
see something good in her and then we try to do the same
thing. This is how each time we see her, we are learning,
we are improving.
Now as far as my love story is concerned she has
completely changed my world. Initially I don’t pay much
attention to my dress-up but after seeing her I started
paying attention towards my own self (of course not much).
She not only helped to improve my personality but helped
in improving my study. Earlier I used to write a little about
what I study. But when I continuously noticed that she used
to write a lot, in fact she used to write everything she
studies. After noticing this I also adopted the same style.
Every time I come to library I was inspired to be punctual,
disciplined, sincere and regular towards my study because
of just her presence in the library. Earlier I didn’t have any

15
such inspiration but now I have got an inspiration. A desire
to see her while lining up outside the library, see her
walking up to her seat and look into her eyes were the
simple things which acted as strong motivation for my
continuous improvement. Here I can draw another
inference, “Love becomes your inspiration to do better and
better. The more time we spent around her the more we are
inspired to do better.” In love we are improved from all
aspects, morally, personality wise, character wise and study
wise etc. So we can say, “Love is Constructive”.
You can see me; a simple person like me has become a poet
and writer. Not only this, she has transformed me
completely.

16
 7. She’s Perfect

When I saw her the first time, my heart felt the strongly
connectedness with her like an old relationship. I felt as
she’s here only for me. The God had sent her only for me
and she’s perfect for me from every aspect. Just like me she
was completely serious about the study and doesn’t pay
attention to absurd things. As I was not having girlfriend
similarly she didn’t have any boyfriend and both of us were
focused towards our study. This helped me enjoy my love
story and gave it this much time to progress otherwise it
must have banished in the beginning. So I could say that
God had specially sent her for me. Her every trait was
matching with me.
First time I saw her in simple salwar-kameez with white
sweater. But later I found her as a very fashionable girl
changing her dress daily for almost whole month. She was
too advanced in fashion and that too helped me to change
my mentality and provided me space to think over this
aspect of personality. Her seriousness in study like me, not
wasting time in absurd things, her cute face expression
carrying high positive energy and the most important thing
her calm eyes carrying peace where I lost my heart, are the
different things that make me think that she’s perfect for
me. She’s just like a ‘Dream Girl’ for me. If ever I have
wished, I must have portrayed this seriousness, calmness,
positive face expression and deep peaceful eyes. In fact she
is more than my expectations and so she’s the perfect piece
of God’s creation for me in this world. Although only

17
feelings of connectedness were sufficient for me but she
had unmatchable physical beauty too. When I saw her from
close and face to face, I was stunned and I could only say,
“Har Kuchh (i.e. ultimate)”. So she is perfect from every
aspect.

18
 8. Her Attitude Her Personality

Shivani has her attitude level very high which is one of the
characteristic of her personality. Whenever it’s a question
of study, her general dealings with others, her nature, she
shows very nice thinking level. She used to spend almost
all her time in her study in the library and show high
confidence in what so ever she is. Her dress up is also very
graceful. She doesn’t talk to the strangers and used to take
good stand. Whenever she speaks she does so confidently
and to the point.
Her posture is superb. She is beautiful, confident, good girl
carrying high positive energy on her face. Her eyes are
superb and it were her eyes who stole my heart. She looked
beautiful in all dresses whether it’s jeans or salwar-kameez
but I liked the most in salwar-kameez because in this dress
her expression were more cool and she appeared too calm
and nice. Whenever she used to bear jeans her attitude goes
very high and I was even afraid to look at her. I felt more
close to her in that simple dress up.

19
 9. When I sunk into My Own Self

In love most of the time we have very strange situations,

events used to happen. Such situations, events are normally
beyond the thought process. Once can’t even think of such
moment in his life. So here I can say, “Love is an
adventure” which have a lot of strange things in its box.
One very interesting point about Love is, “The next
moment is unpredictable”. If I am happy at some point of
time due to love then the next moment need not to be happy
one. We might be sad the very next moment e.g. when I
saw her I am completely excited, very happy. But back to
back sometimes I become sad because I think that she used
to pass by me but never talk to me. This simple thought
used to me sad. So it is sadness back to back of happiness.
Sometimes the feeling level rises to such a level that it
becomes difficult to express what has happened to me.
Such a situation arises that person couldn’t say anything
and interesting point is that even the person himself doesn’t
know what has happened to him. I have faced all these
situations. I felt inexplicable many a times. Different
thoughts keep hitting about her like one day she would go
away from me. And the ultimate situation of such a random
hitting of the mind is these strange situations.
The most important event of my love story that happened to
me is the situation when I sank into my own self. I don’t
remember exactly the time when it happened with me but
perhaps this incident happened during 4th or 5th semester. I
was totally lost. I was just cut-off from the world. I was

20
doing my daily things as usual but I wasn’t aware of the
whole situation. I used to get up in the morning as usual,
doing everything required, came to library and attend
classes. When I did something I did it with awareness to
good extent although later it affected my actions also.
When I was doing something, it was okay but as I finish
something I get lost. I mean to say that I was earlier doing
things right as I do them normally but the time between two
actions was creating the problem. During this time gap
between the two events I used to lose somewhere on some
unknown land. I was doing my actions by default just like a
machine and when there was a free time I simply used to
lose my self. Let me elaborate with example- when I get up
I go for meditation, for bath, breakfast. I was doing all
these things as usual but without awareness and as a default
behavior. And for time in between some kind of thinking
process starts in my mind. When I start from hostel to
library I couldn’t see what is happening around me, I
couldn’t enjoy the nature around me and I was lost in some
kind of thinking process. Earlier this situation was not grim
but slowly-slowly it turned grim. My life become like the
functionality of a machine. I was as a mad person. This was
the stage when I was completely mad in love. I lost control
over my body. No awareness of my life and the things
around me. Completely mad, completely lost, completely
insensitive to the environment. Really this was the most
terrific thing in my love story.
You might be thinking that after all what happened to me
that I got into such a state. And actually what I was doing
during all these time on my mental level. As a virus attacks

21
a computer system, it takes the control from the system and
goes on executing its own code; similarly my mind was
attacked by “Shivani’s Thoughts”. Yes these were
Shivani’s fantasies in mind. Whenever there was a little bit
time, my mind starts developing thoughts about her. Earlier
I have control over this thought process. Earlier these
thoughts used to hit my mind only when my mind was
having free time like while moving from hostel to library.
But later they affected my actions too. Even during study I
started losing myself and the situation became grim or you
can say I sank into my own self, lost in her fantasies all the
time. I was disconnected from the world. I couldn’t notice
the things happening around me. So this was the most
terrific situation I felt I love. It might be difficult to
visualize for you but for me days-weeks past just like the
slumber.
How did I recover?
Now interesting question is how did I recover from this? I
used to do meditation daily so that helped me to recover of
this situation. Even during the meditation I start framing
her fantasies but after all it was meditation and at some
point of time mind was supposed to stop. So this actually
happened for me in meditation where my mind stopped her
fantasies and I was able to observe my situation. I started
questioning myself and tried to be aware of my feelings and
thoughts. I tried to observe myself. So all this helped me to
recover. When I lost myself in her fantasies they were just
simple imagination like I am seeing her in the library,
talking her, she is smiling back to me, how we are facing
each other in library, seeing her wandering with me in

22
campus and simple stories in which I was doing some
heroic deeds to impress her etc. Really this experience in
love was terrific. At that time she had completely over
casted my mind and cut me from outside world.

23
 10. Love is a Spiritual Concept

When something can be purchased, measured, seen,

touched etc. then it is a material else it is a spiritual. In
short mortal things are material and immortal things are
spiritual. All material things have material reasons since
material reasons cease to exist at some point of time so
material things are temporary. On the other hand spiritual
things have spiritual reasons behind them so they exist
forever or you can say spiritual things don’t have any
reason in material terms and they are everlasting.
If we talk about love (more precisely true love) its basis are
the feelings which can’t be seen, measured, purchased and
they don’t have material reasons so feelings are spiritual
concept. Being spiritual in nature, it doesn’t have end. Thus
Love being based on feelings is also a spiritual concept.
Material and spiritual things are somehow connected to
each other. Love being spiritual is being experienced by
humans which are material in themselves. That means
spiritual experiences are to be enjoyed through material
existence and perhaps vice-versa. So my point is that
material things possessing love (say me in my love story)
would cease to exist one day but the love felt by them
would exist forever in the form of some
frequencies/vibrations in this Universe. And these
vibrations are the possible reasons for having feeling after
seeing some strangers (this point to be discussed later).
In my love story as I told earlier I used to ignore the
existence of girls to keep moving towards the purpose of

24
my life undistracted. But when I saw her first time, it was
only certain feelings that pulled me towards her. These
feelings are the only basis of my love story. It was not her
beauty or any other characteristic like her nature rather only
these feelings of ‘being strongly connected for years
beyond this material existence’ that pulled me towards her.
Because of these pure feelings of connectedness, my love is
a Spiritual love and so a True Love. One interesting point
of my love story is that the feelings which are the only
basis of my love story, I am still unable to understand that
why I have these feelings for her. She is perhaps altogether
unaware of these feelings.

25
 11. Theory of Love

Oh! Really, you want to know the theory of Love? Don’t be

in an illusion. As already said, nobody can actually define
love but people could only try to describe the events and
effects of Love. Love is infinite and so can be defined in
infinite ways by different people and sometime even by the
same person. So here I am trying to express whatever I
have realized.
“Love is a feeling that connects two souls together without
any logical reason.” Whenever you see that person, there is
a certain feeling that drag you towards that person and you
are in a state of bliss. You wish that time could stop; you
could see that person forever.
Next I am going to talk about different phases in a love
story. Be alert, love is infinite so has infinite viewpoints
and accordingly they could define different phases. Here I
am about to discuss my viewpoint. I believe love has three
phases. These are:
a) Having Feelings
b) Realization of Feelings
c) Expression of Feelings
The first phase is having feelings for someone; this is the
starting point for a love story. Now question arises how do
we have these feelings? Scientifically it is difficult to
explain this. Might be there is an image in our mind and
when it matches with someone in reality we have feelings
for that person or might be you like certain behavioral traits
of other person and then you have these feelings or

26
something like that. In order to provide explanation on the
spiritual grounds I want to propose a theory. As I have
given some hints earlier, spiritual experiences are enjoyed
through material existence. Now as we know spiritual
things live forever but material things vanish after a certain
point in time. So when material things which enjoys the
spiritual experience, perish where does the spiritual
experience go? I believe as the material objects possessing
spiritual experience perish, the spiritual experience are
radiated into the Universe in terms of vibrations (because
spiritual things never die). These vibrations keep swinging
in the air (called Love in Air) for infinite time. Now when
these material objects (driven by some spiritual form) are
manifested into material world again and when they face
each other then those vibrations (from previous birth)
passes through these material objects and they have
sensations of their connectedness, the infinite love. Thus
according to my this ‘theory of feelings’ when you feel
some connectedness after seeing someone then this might
be because you used to exist at some point of time earlier
with that person and your combined energy of love is
present in the Universe in the form of vibrations for a long
time. So phase one of love is the origin of love (for this
birth).
Second phase of love i.e. Realization of Feelings is the
most important phase in a love story. First you have
feelings for someone (your heart feels the connectedness)
and then you realize (your mind accept) existence of those
feelings. Logically you can say (remember love is beyond
logic) at second phase your heart and mind tend to sync.

27
When you see someone and feel the connectedness it is not
necessary that your mind is able to accept these feelings
and understand this situation. Till the first phase only our
heart knows but our mind is not aware of what is running
inside and till this phase mind can fool us by framing its
own stories, after all mind is controlling and running this
body in sync with heart. It’s very unfortunate that more
than 80 percent (I guess) of the people couldn’t move to
second phase from first phase. That means many people
remained unfortunate to realize their feelings and this is
how they lose the true love meant for them. So second
phase is that stage where you actually admit that you are in
love. In fact this is where one person comes to know about
love for someone special. So far the person himself is
unaware of love and that’s why the most important phase.
Third phase i.e. Expression of Feelings is the least
important and is not required in spiritual terms. A person
first have feelings for someone, realize that he/she actually
feels like that for someone and then he/she expresses
his/her feelings which is a difficult task to do because
nobody can express feelings, they can only be felt. First
let’s talk why third phase is least important and for that we
need to discuss another theory about ‘theory of success of
love’. When is a love successful? In spiritual terms, Love is
successful after second phase i.e. Love is successful once a
person realizes feelings for someone. That means the
moment when a person came to know that he/she is
connected to someone, his/her love is successful. Although
in material terms (according to worldly definition of love)
when people loving each other get married their love is

28
successful. But we will consider the spiritual definition of
love because we know love is a spiritual concept not
material so worldly definition does not hold. One more
point, for the successfulness of love it need to be both
sided, it could be one sided successful love but in material
terminology one sided love is a failure.
So as far as my love story is concerned, I believe first phase
is according to Spiritual theory and I would be discussing
the second and third phases in coming chapters.

29
 12. Realization of Feelings

I saw Shivani first time on 05th March 2010 at 05:05p.m. I

felt the strongly connectedness with her but my mind failed
to get the whole picture. For my mind it was just an
experiment but at the heart level something different was
running. I remained unfortunate to realize these feelings for
about one year. Although the feelings were playing their
role by pushing me towards her. During second semester I
used to sit in the lower inner part of the science section and
she used to sit right before me. I kept watching her while
sitting there. One more semester (third) passed and during
this time I saw her myriad times inside library and outside
library. During this time I was thinking that I was just
doing an experiment to improve myself. Perhaps now time
had come to conclude the experiment or I can say for the
realization of feelings (Love). It was during my vacation
after third semester I felt very much disturbed internally. I
couldn’t eat, sleep properly. Even my parents noticed it and
asked me what the problem is. Actually her thoughts
continuously hit my mind. On month of February I met
with Abhishek who was her classmate and lived in my
neighboring village. He told me that my choice was very
appropriate and she was a very good girl. He offered to
introduce me to her but truly speaking I was afraid of all
this. He gave me her mobile number and asked me to
propose her on phone on valentine day. I saved her number
but denied to call as I felt it was not a proper way to
propose and generally bad boys follow this path. Then he

30
told me that their practical exams were commencing from
23rd February 2011. I decided to propose her or express
myself face to face. University reopened on 21st February.
Now on 23rd February she had a practical so I decided to
propose her on the same day after her practical, after all I
have lost my sleep in her Love and I wanted to free myself
from this discomfort.
It was 23rd February 2011, right from the very morning I
was feeling very much uncomfortable and stressed as I was
predetermined to propose Shivani. I had decided everything
regarding the place to propose and what to say. From the
very morning being under such a state I couldn’t even take
my breakfast and lunch properly. Moreover Abhishek told
me that the practical generally finishes between 4 and 5 so
he would message me when it would be over. I had decided
that I would meet her first at University gate and then
propose her around Love Point. Actually at University gate
there was a shortcut to the road leading to girl’s hostel. I
decided that first I would only see her at gate then I would
take short cut to the road leading to girl’s hostel and then
would propose her there. I had decided to say like this-
“Excuse me, Shivani! I want to talk with you.” And then
when she would stop I would say something like this – “I
saw you first time here last year on 05th March 2010 and I
had some feelings for you. I felt as I have some old
relationship with you. I felt deep feelings and some unclear
pictures flashed through my mind when I saw you. And I
am in love with you…”. I had thought if she would say yes
then good, I would go ahead and later marry her otherwise
there would be no problem after all it was an experiment

31
for personality improvement and it would be a successful
experiment since the target was to talk to her. Now what
actually happened is as follow: I had talked to my friend to
accompany me to the place before I would propose her.
This was Ghanshyam. So he did accompany me till the
University gate. Now as the clock hand struck 4 o’clock my
heart beat went up and started waiting for Abhishek’s
message as he told he would sent a message about the
practical’s completion. But there was no message till 5
o’clock and this hour was really very critical for me to pass
as I couldn’t even study. Actually practical finished on
time. Now I received his message and I reached at
University gate with my friend Ghanshyam. He kept
discouraging me from proposing but I was predetermined
after all it was difficult to pass time now, I want
clarification.
We were at University gate when she was approaching
towards me with her friends. Around eight to ten girls were
coming with her. I was already afraid and after seeing the
large group I got scared too much but I didn’t have any
other option except to talk to her. Now she was
approaching close and close, I saw her and she noticed my
presence. She crossed me and went to the market side
perhaps for shopping something. Fortunately only two of
her friends returned with her and rest remained in the
Summer Hill’s market. Now she moved towards the Love
Point to go to her hostel. It was time for action. We also
moved towards the shortcut to girl’s hostel. Then I asked
Ghanshyam to stay back on that shortcut and I took that
short cut to reach on the road to girl’s hostel. I reached

32
there before Shivani. She was about 50 meters away from
me. She was on the outer side (left side) and her friends
were on right (inner side). Ghanshyam was also watching
me from a distance. She saw me there and perhaps she got
everything and that’s why she kept her eyes and head
grounded. Now as she approached me I got into her path
exactly before her and said, “Excuse me Shivani”. Now as I
said this, first she raised her eyes and head from the ground
up to my knees and then stepping aside she started moving
faster although her two friends, for whom I was a stranger,
stood by my side, looking at me that what I was saying.
Now as I saw her stepping faster I immediately said,
“Shivani, mein aap se baat karna chahata hoon”. As I said
this she again didn’t look at me and kept moving. Her
friends were still standing by me. While moving she turned
back towards her friends and said, “chalo-chalo, jaan ni
pehchan ni meine baat nhi karni”. Her friends also matched
their foot-steps with her and slowly they were moving
away. When Shivani said like that, it turned all darkness in
a moment for me and a little difficulty to breathe. I have
got a big shock. I was not able to understand what
happened to me in moment but the whole world seemed to
be shaking. Before they went off the sight, I turned to wall
(shortcut where Ghanshyam was sitting and watching the
whole scene) to take stairs. I saw Ghanshyam was sitting
and holding his head after watching the whole scene. He
told that he had already denied me but without bothering
him I kept moving towards the library and didn’t know
what else he told me. What I was thinking was very
interesting. I was thinking that then everything was finished

33
and as I won’t look at her or any other girl. I was still
thinking about my experiment. I (mind) was telling myself
that my experiment was successful as I have dared to talk
to a girl; after all talking to a girl was the objective of this
experiment. Truly speaking I have learnt a lot from the first
time when I saw her. Now I was able to face girls earlier I
wasn’t able to do that. God knows how I dared to talk to a
girl especially like Shivani, very fashionable but yes I had
dared to do that. So no doubt my experiment was
successful. Now let’s watch what happened at different
levels. At heart level, it was completely broken into pieces
after this incident. And mind was still saying a different
story and but now it had to face the reality soon. My mind
was saying everything is over and now I would focus on
my study and won’t be looking at anybody.
Next day I crossed her path outside the library and ignored
her completely as per my mind. My heart was still hurt.
Then I ignored her second time in library. Now while
ignoring her I was feeling something, it was something
very uncomfortable. And as I ignored her more, her more
thoughts hit my mind. After some confusion initially, I
realized later that I was in Love with Shivani and it was
from the very first day. It was not my experiment rather it
were my feelings for her which kept drawing me towards
her. If it had been the experiment then everything should
had finished with this incident. So this is how, after one
year and after an attempt to propose, I realized that I was in
Love. I decided to see her as I feel instead of being
disturbed for the whole day as it was a better option.

34
 13. The Consequences of My First Propose

Immediately after proposing (more precisely trying to

propose) I felt quite relaxed as I was stressed from the very
morning considering my proposal. But this event has hit me
deep inside my heart. There were some consequences of
my first propose.
First I realized my love, my feelings for Shivani.
Secondly it badly affected my health. While I was
proposing her two things hit me hard deep inside my heart.
First that she didn’t even look at me and secondly her
response and paying no attention towards me. These hurt
my feelings so strongly that I fell ill and suffered cold,
cough, throat pain etc. Though I took medicines and drank
three bottles for cough but there was no improvement and
this situation continued for about one and a half month.
I was very fond of reading books and continuously used to
read books like Philosophy, Psychology, and Poetry etc. So
in order to overcome the hurt feelings I read “Learning to
Love Yourself” by Dr. G. Hendricks. So the lessons which
I studied there helped me to get well. So really my first
propose was a big event of my life and it had drastic effects
on me.

35
 14. Second Attempt

After my failure to even talk to Shivani, some of my friends

advised me that these things require systematic approach
and need to give some time to such things. And they told
me that no good girl could say yes in the very first attempt
like this. They advised me to follow the systematic
approach. They asked me to first start talking to her,
become a friend, give her some time to understand you and
then think of proposing her. All their logics seemed making
sense to me and I decided that I too would follow a
systematic approach. No doubt I had decided that but was it
that much easy for person like me who have so far learned
only to face girls confidently. But after all feelings for her
were playing their role and making me do anything.
Now one day I was sitting in library on my usual seat when
an idea to talk to her using some excuse hit my mind. In the
morning I decided to delay it till the lunch time. One
interesting thing was that we used to sit together separated
by a huge pillar in the upper-outer part of science section.
On one side she used to sit and on other side of the same
pillar I used to sit, facing our backs towards the pillar. She
was hardly one meter away from me and this continued for
around two years from third to last semester. Now after the
lunch I started thinking to talk to her and decided to ask her
for an extra ball pen. This idea hit my mind around two in
the afternoon. I started gathering confidence to be able to
talk to Shivani. I used to prepare myself and try to get up
off my seat but couldn’t do that. I made countless attempts

36
to get up but failed all the time, I just felt nervous to do
that. I was feeling very uncomfortable and during all this
time I was not able to study also. It was around 5:30 pm but
I was still not successful to do that. Then Dinesh also came
there and sat on my right side. Now I felt a little bit
confident and somehow got up but again felt nervous so
stopped at his seat. Then I told him that I was going to talk
to her. After listening this he was stunned and in
commenting style said, “Okay, do it”. Perhaps this was the
first time when any of my friends motivated me to talk to
her otherwise all the time they used to discourage me. Now
as I stopped near Dinesh’s seat perhaps she noticed me and
sank into her table. I approached her seat and said “Hello
Shivani! Kya aapke paas extra ball pen hai.” She was
completely sunk into her table and her eyes were not visible
which I wanted to look into. It was only her head and hair
what I saw. Without raising her head to look towards me
she first moved her head in denial and then said, “Nahin”.
All this looked very cute to me after all she talked to me
although she said only ‘nahin’. After listening this I started
returning back when my eyes fell on her hand and table. I
noticed that she was having two ball pens, one black and
one blue. She was holding one in her hands and one was
lying on the table. Might be she need both of them but it
again hit me hard deep inside my heart that she didn’t give
a ball pen in spite of having two. Another thing that
pinched my heart was that I asked her for pen and she
didn’t even look at me and simply shook her head while
being sunk into the table. I returned to my seat but couldn’t
sit there so I left the science section, showing that I had

37
gone outside to purchase new one, and went into our
Computer Lab. In this way even my second attempt to talk
to her failed but I was happy that she said something to me.
Once again there was emotional setback for me. “How
could one hate someone to such an extent to treat like this”,
thoughts like this hit my mind and again putting me into
depression. Later all these events lead to more poems
carrying this pain.

38
 15. Second Propose

Yes I tried another time. But don’t get excited because you
couldn’t expect much from a boy like me. It was fake just
like the first one. But yes I did my best. What could I do, I
used to decide to do something but something different
happens. I had decided to propose her but later forced to
say good-bye and deprived of even looking at her directly.
It was my fifth semester and of course she has completed
her masters. I thought my love story would remain
incomplete (even today it remained…) but good news came
when I come to know that she had taken admission in B.Ed.
and would be back in library soon. Moreover in sixth
semester of MCA I was supposed to go for an internship
outside HPU but luckily both the companies (Wipro and
Impetus) where I have got placement delayed the joining.
So I did my internship from DOECC Shimla itself. In this
way she and I got one more year together. Perhaps
Almighty was adjusting the different parameters in my
favor but even then I couldn’t even talk to her and kept
seeking for her single smile.
She didn’t appear for almost whole fifth semester in the
library. During the vacation after fifth semester she was
here in University but didn’t appear in the Campus. So it
had passed almost ten months since she had come to library
and during this time I could hardly saw her twice or thrice.
It appeared to me that she wouldn’t come again and I could
hardly get any chance to see her. It seemed to me as my
love story was approaching to an end. So I decided to

39
propose her again to made things clear to my heart about
what she thought about me because if I would leave HPU
without clarification then definitely it would create a lot of
problems. This time it was different than first proposal after
all this time I had realized the feelings and Love for
Shivani.
It was 10th March 2012 (last i.e. sixth semester) and yes it
was my birthday. I was returning to University in a bus
when I proposed her via sms. I knew she was in hostel but
didn’t come to library. Before this I have sent her many
sms but she never replied. But this time I made her reply
and obviously it was something serious. First I sent her an
sms-
“Shivani g! jai mata di. Till this date I have written around
thirty poems for you. Agar ek bhi aapne padh li toh mein
samajhunga ki mera kavita likhana safal hua…”
And then after some time I sent her the main sms
expressing my feelings. Since I had feelings for her and I
had already realized them so my love was already
successful. I was on the third phase trying to express my
feelings. As we know it (Expression of Love) is least
important and most difficult phase in Love so I was stuck
in this phase. So this is how I opened my heart another time
to her-
“Shivani g! I am totally serious about you and intend to
marry you, time to leave Shimla is near and it seems to me
as you don’t like me. So today make it clear to me by
saying yes or no. If you say no then I would not disturb you
and no sms at all. So please respond back right now…”

40
I already seemed to be negative. Moreover what can you
expect from a good girl like her when you are proposing
over sms without talking ever. Perhaps I knew everything
and expecting a negative response. This time I had forced
her for a reply and reply did come back. After around ten
minutes I received the reply. The answer was very straight
forward. It was-
“No means no 4 god shake don’t disturb me. I don’t like all
this”.
So this is how I proposed the second time and got a
response for it too. I was happy to know that all my earlier
messages have reached its destination. After receiving this
message I thought whatever it was after all things are clear
to me before leaving HPU. My love story has ended and I
would forget her. And then I sent her last message from
HPU and it was-
“it’s ok. I will not disturb u at all. alvidaa…”
Again emotional break-down but this time I was happy to
have a direct answer. By that time I used to think that I
would forget her, it would be easy and that was my
mistake. So time to time I suffered many break-downs, my
feelings were hurt many times but no one was able to
understand my condition. When I used to tell my friends
about this they just used to joke and laugh about this. She
was unable to feel the feelings which I was having for her.
That was why I have to turn to writing poetry, writing my
diary after all paper and pen was my only friends on this
journey of love. The pain which I had in love turned a
simple person like me into a poet and a writer. Really these
feelings for her and the pain because of these are terrific

41
and unmatchable. I am thankful to the Almighty for
blessing me with these feelings otherwise my life must
have remained colorless. Perhaps for purpose of my life, all
this was required to get me on the track.

42
 16. Consequences of my Second Propose

The response which I had received for my second propose

carried three lines. The first two lines were very pinching
although third one was a little bit relaxing. Retaining the
characteristic of Love, the response carried both happiness
and grief too. It gave me pleasure as it was almost first time
(in fact second time) when I received some response
towards me but it was hurting to great extent. First line
clearly indicated that she rejected me by saying no and in
second line she seemed to be blaming me for disturbing
her, this again was quite pinching. In third line she told that
she didn’t like all these things this was somewhat relaxing.
I told myself that she rejected me not for rejecting but she
had some other purpose in life like me.
I received her response while returning to University in
bus. So as I reached Shimla, my emotional battery was
already down and it was difficult for me study in library
thus I directly went to the lab and was there between 4-5
pm then came to library but couldn’t study. So I made an
entry in my diary named “My University Days” about
today’s incident and spent time here and there. Now days
perhaps mess was closed or what, we (Manoj and I) used to
cook our dinner together. So I called Manoj and told him
that tonight I wouldn’t be able to cook food or provide any
help in cooking. Then I packed one prantha and moved to
hostel. I already knew that none of my friends would be
able to understand my feelings after all even Shivani failed
to feel them so what could I expect from my friends. So as I

43
reached hostel around six in the evening without talking to
them, I simply went for sleeping. Person, who used to study
till late in the library and at room, went for sleeping at six.
Really emotions are very necessary in our life, without
emotions a human would be just a machine. When my
sleep broken it was mid night. I felt too much depressed
again. I did not understand what was actually happening to
me. Truly speaking even today I don’t know what is this
which is connecting me to her and I simply call them
feelings. God knows what this is. Since I hadn’t taken the
dinner so I thought of having one prantha which I had had
packed for myself. Even Manoj had left some milk for me.
But I couldn’t had anything. I was hungry but it appeared to
me as I wouldn’t be able to swallow down my throat. I took
3-4 biscuits and sat still on bed doing nothing. Neither
studying nor doing anything else rather lost in my own self
while being depressed to a great extent. I played some sad
songs and lay down on the bed keeping lights on. Around
04:30 am I felt sleepy so I switched everything off and
went to bed. Really here I had the real lessons of life
without them my life would have been incomplete. God has
planned everything for me and things are going as per His
plan.
In morning I woke up as usual. My mind was at least aware
of the fact that if I wanted to live then I must eat something.
I tried to take the milk but could take only half of that
because I felt like vomiting. It was Sunday, I came to
library but couldn’t study and in the lunch time I decided to
go to in God’s feet. I went to Sankat Mochan with Vijay
sir.

44
 17. Torture Continues

I proposed her second time when she didn’t appear in

library for almost ten months. Slowly-slowly I recovered
even that shock. I had accepted that if one loves someone
then it’s not necessary that he/she would be loved back by
other person. So I was simply trying to forget her. But God
had some other plan for me. He wanted to burn me more in
this fire of one sided Love. After around two weeks of my
second proposal she returned back to library. During these
days I was recovering, doing better and trying to forget her.
When she returned back, earlier situation has created once
again and the torture of my innocent heart continued.
Earlier I used to see her every time she was in front of me;
in fact it was beyond my control I was automatically drawn
towards her. I simply used to look into her serene eyes to
feel the connectedness, feel that peace which I was looking
for years. But after the second proposal I told her that I
would not disturb her. So how could I see her? Truly
speaking it was not possible for me to stop myself from
watching her so I decided that I would continue to see her
but without letting her know this.
In love one must be prepared for any kind of shock. As no
moment is certain, at any moment you can receive any type
of pain and that’s why we say second name of love is pain.
No doubt it gives us lot of happiness, a new direction to our
life, fills life with a lot of excitement, is a source of
inspiration to continuously progress and move ahead but
yes it does contain a lot of pain also. Your heart desires for

45
her simple presence around you. If she isn’t there that
pinches. When she is around you, your heart desires to see
her if you can’t then again it hurts. When she’s around you
and in your sight then heart desires to have an eye clash. If
she doesn’t look towards you then again there is strange
kind of feelings leading to frustration. When all these
things are in place then heart desires for her smile, then
want to talk and so on. In addition to these it can’t tolerate
to see her with any boy and things like that. I am too facing
these situations. Just burning in the fire of Love. Every one
of these situations simply frustrates. It was previous day
when I was frustrated for the whole evening by thinking
that why I was not able to talk to her. So all this keep
torturing our heart in love.
My heart was tortured every time, right from the first
proposal, try to approach her second time in library, second
proposal and after second proposal I was forced not to see
her.

46
 18. My SMSs My Feelings

The feelings the most important concept in the existence of

humanity, lays the foundation of every action, in fact every
state of a person. The root of everything is feelings. We
couldn’t do anything without feelings. In fact without
feelings even the existence of individual human beings is
not possible. Right from sleeping, eating, loving someone
etc. you need to have feelings. Feelings are the bridges
between animates whether they are people-people, people-
animal or even the animal-animal. It is only the feelings
that are connecting all of them together; sticking them
together. For example consider two true lovers, actually
what is there which is pulling them towards each other?
Don’t say that it is the beauty, nature or intelligence etc.
rather it is only feelings that bind them together. Similarly
it is the feelings that stick a mother to her child and so on.
Feelings are the universal language of communication. Let
me elaborate this. You must have seen that if there are
people of different languages and they don’t understand
each other’s language even then they are able to
communicate with each other. Just think how this is
possible. The simple answer is – it is due to the feelings.
Another interesting example- we have our pet animals like
dog, cat etc. we can communicate with them. When we
scold them they sit quietly in one corner but when we love
them they used to linger around us. How’s this possible?
Once again I would say this is possible only because of
feelings. So I could conclude this- Feelings are the root of

47
everything, a bridge between animates, a universal
language of communication and so on.
In my love story, at different times I felt different emotions
and tried to express them through different ways. First tried
to talk to her, tried to write them and also sent her some
SMSs trying to express my inexplicable situation. I sent
Shivani exactly twelve messages (up to sixth semester). All
of these sms were not mere messages rather they were
carrying my feelings, my emotions, my sentiments. But
unfortunately (perhaps) couldn’t feel the feelings behind all
these sms and so I could get only a single response for all
my messages and that too was carrying negative response.
Out of my twelve messages, four were blank messages
which I sent immediately after getting up early in the
morning without delaying even a second and in the state of
almost sleep. This clearly indicates she was running into
my head all the time while going to bed and while waking
up in the morning. I sent her my first message on her
birthday on May 2011 at 12:00 am, wishing her happy
birthday and last (in HPU) message on my birthday in 2012
while responding back to her rejection. Every sms was full
of feelings rising from the bottom of my heart; although
they couldn’t receive the same respect (might be there was
something at other end I couldn’t understand). These
messages in the sending order are given below. I want to
mention here that currently I don’t have any of these
messages because once I have deleted everything related to
her after frustration, thinking that I would forget her.
Messages are-

48
 1) Happy Birthday SHIVANI! May u achieve what u
want! Vinod K. Chauhan, M.C.A…!
2) All the Best!
3) Blank
4) Blank
5) Shivani, I LOVE U! I have true love with true
feelings 4 u, at the same time I don’t expect
anything from ur side. I just have a desire 2 talk 2 u
once. I hope it will come true. Its (perhaps) my last
sms. Achha g! sorry 4 disturbance I want to express
face to face but u neither give a chance nor listened.
6) Blank
7) Shivani g! jai mata di & all the best… - Vinod
MCA.
8) Shivani g! jai mata di & all the best…
9) Blank
10) jai mata di… till this date I have written around 30
poems for u. agar ek b apne pad li toh mein
samajunga k mere poetry likhana safal hua…
11) Shivani g! jai mata di… I m totally serious about u
& intend 2 marry u. time 2 leave Shimla is near. It
seem 2 me that u don’t like me so make it clear 2
me by saying yes or no. if u say no I will never
disturb u & will not sms u at all. So I request u 2
reply back right now.
Reply-
No means no, 4 the god sake dnt disturb me, I dnt
like all this.
12) It’s ok. I wil not disturb u at all. Alvidaa…
And this is how my love story seemed to come to an end.

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 19. Love is a Blessing

Yes, really Love is a blessing and those who fell in Love

are the blessed ones. They are lucky ones as they have got
an opportunity to have the beautiful feelings. Actually what
is Love? Love is just a feeling and nothing more than that
and, which are means to hold the lovers together. And in
one sided love these feelings are responsible for drawing
them to their beloved. Feelings of Love are terrific. They
fill our life with excitement. Every moment is a moment of
excitement. These feelings keep us active all the time,
every moment. In love there is no laziness. These feelings
eliminate the laziness. These strange feelings are very
much uncertain; they can change their color at any moment.
A slight twist in the feelings can change your present state.
That means these feelings of love might lead to happiness
or sadness and could twist from one state to another in no
time. Sometimes we are happy and sometimes sad due to
these feelings and in the next moment, we could be happy
or sad. These feelings make our life colorful by forcing us
through the states of happiness and sadness. These teach us
the real meaning of life. Every state happiness or sadness is
an experience in its own and this experience helps us to see
the life closely and to live it in a better way. So the feelings
of love make us aware of the beauty of life. In love every
moment is a moment of improvement and makes our life a
better one. We have already discussed this in chapter ‘Love
is Constructive’. The Feelings which have all these strange
effects on our life can’t be purchased at any shop, we can’t

50
lend, we can’t borrow rather we could only feel these life
changing feelings while being in love with someone
special. And that’s why Love is a blessing. Thus the lesson
is that if you have got the nice opportunity, if you are such
a blessed person then don’t bother about the result of your
love story rather just feel these feelings and enjoy your life.
Later in your life you might not get an opportunity to feel
all this. So just enjoy these feelings, you are the blessed
one.
Now as far as my case is concerned it is only Love which
have brought a twist in my life. Whenever I used to meet
my old friends they used to say that I was totally changed.
One reason for all these changes in my life was Love.
Sometimes when I used to compare my life before 2nd
semester and current one then I found the current one is
much better. Earlier I wasn’t living my life rather I was just
passing the every precious moment of this beautiful life.
There was no color in my life rather it was like a machine
executing with time its assigned jobs, without any feeling
without any emotion. It was having no enjoyment, no
excitement, and no taste at all. At that day no doubt the
situations were very critical. No moment was certain. Some
moments were giving happiness some sadness. No doubt
there is lot of pain in this life but this one was the true life.
Sometimes it gives us comparable joy too. So really I am
the blessed one by the God to have an opportunity to
experience all these feelings.

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 20. The Eyes

Somebody has rightly said that the eyes are the mirror of
the heart. They silently express whatsoever is there in your
heart. Generally by looking into the eyes, we can say much
about someone. As far as her case was concerned I couldn’t
interpret her eyes properly. Her behavior was in
contradiction to what her eyes used say. It seemed to me
that she also liked me, she also had feelings for me but
perhaps there was something which prevented her from
saying this. But as far as her behavior was concerned she
clearly used to say that she didn’t like me at all because I
tried to approach her so many times but her response was
completely negative. So there was contradiction in the
message her eyes carry and what her behavior shows.
I found her eyes calm, carrying high positive energy,
containing a new world where there was peace and only
peace and perhaps this was the peace-land which I had
always dreamt of being a humanitarian. After looking into
her eyes I could see love for me, same feelings as I have for
her. Perhaps she failed at the second phase of love i.e. she
could not realize the feelings. I felt as she was under certain
constraints which prevented her from showing her feelings.
Her behavior shows negative response towards me.
Although the basis of my love story are the feelings only
but as far as her physical beauty is concerned I liked her
eyes the most. When I used to look into them I used to feel
as I was somewhere there was peace all around. I always
dreamt to live in a place where there is peace and peace

52
 only. And when I used to look into her eyes, I used to find
myself exactly on that dreamland where there was peace all
around. I felt as that was my final stop. I saw my true self
there. I don’t have words to express the beauty of her eyes,
it’s inexpressible. I wish I could dive into her eyes and time
would stop!

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 21. Symptoms of a True Love

It’s difficult to define Love and I am talking about True

Love that must sound crazy. After all love is craziness.
Okay without beating much about the bush come to the
point. There are many things which give you hint of your
love being True Love. I would discuss some of them. True
Love is based on feelings. Yes it should be, how there
could be love without feelings at all. Actually I am pointing
to one point and that is sometimes people base their love on
the physical beauty. This is not true love because beauty is
materialistic and thus temporary, after some time the
person would lose the physical beauty. That means love
based on beauty would vanish after some time but as we
know love is eternal it couldn’t end at all because of its
spiritual nature. Thus True Love is based only on the
feelings.
In True Love, happiness of your partner is of supreme
order. The only goal of lover is to make his beloved happy
and that’s all. When it is True Love from both sides then
life becomes heaven otherwise person would be exploited
and this aspect is beyond our scope. If she is happy without
you even in that case you should be ready to leave her.
Another word I would like to attach to Love is sacrifice.
When sacrifice is attached to love then definitely Love
becomes pure and True Love. You should be ready to
sacrifice anything for the happiness of your beloved. Thus
love based on feelings where lover is ready to sacrifice
anything for the happiness of his beloved then undoubtedly

54
it is a True Love. But before I stop I must say there are
many other symptoms for true love moreover I believe all
above points are not necessary for true love. May be
situation is different and lover is not able to sacrifice
something or like that but this situation would never occur
if love is true from both sides.

55
 22. Incomplete without You

I had got everything I needed. I had job offers at that time.

There was no scarcity of anything. In spite of all those
conditions whenever I considered myself apart from her I
felt emptiness in my life. It seemed to me as that life was
incomplete without you. I loved her deep inside my heart.
My statements at specific point of time in the diary “My
University Days”, my poetry and my SMSs which I had
sent her, were the proofs of my deep feelings; my love for
her. Although I loved her so dearly even then I got no
response from her side. Each time I tried to approach her I
got only disappointments. I put my best efforts to have her
in my life but unfortunately I couldn’t do that. Without you
it’s all loneliness. I felt your presence all around myself.
You are my goal. I just want to achieve you forgetting
everything. You are my primary goal. Without you this life
would be incomplete, unsuccessful. A just thought of living
without you filled me with sorrow, sadness, hurts the
feelings to a greater extent. Really this life is incomplete
without you. If I couldn’t marry you then I would go with
plan B. I would go for research and wouldn’t marry at all.
In fact, how could I marry without you, you had rendered
my heart useless. You had occupied it wholly leaving no
space for anyone. This Life, this Heart is either with you or
with no one else.

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 23. Love doesn’t necessitate to be together

In this world everybody is having his/her own taste for

everything. Let’s apply this to Love. If I like someone, if I
love someone then how could I say that the same person
would like me, love me in return. Moreover we are in love
with that special person so how could we force our likes,
love on her/him. When physical beauty or some other
characteristic of special ones is the basis of our love story
then this is very much pronounced that it is not necessary
that special person might like us. And as for as the concept
of feelings is concerned, if theory of feelings proposed
earlier is true then the other person should have same
feelings but she/he might not have realized these feelings
else theory is absurd and if you have feelings then it is not
necessary that other person have feelings for you. As for as
my case is concerned I love her because of feelings not
because of her physical beauty or any other characteristics
of her. I felt these feelings every time I saw her. Now if this
concept of feelings is true then Shivani must have these
feelings. But till this date I never received any positive
response from her side except what her eyes used to say. So
I couldn’t say that she did have feelings for me. Now there
are two things either she did have feelings but she hadn’t
realized or theory of feelings is just absurd. At this time I
can’t comment on this theory because I didn’t know
whether she did have feelings or not, moreover if she did
then whether she had realized them or not, these are the
questions these need to be answered. If theory is absurd

57
then let me give its explanation- Having feelings for
someone is all absurd. In real there is nothing like that. It is
just an illusion and person is simply trapped in such an
illusion and perhaps in the youth age this used to happen.
Thus in the first place if it is not both sided then there is no
question of marriage and if it…

58
 24. She couldn’t understand me

In this world everybody complains that other people

couldn’t understand them. Today I was also saying the
same that she couldn’t understand me but I didn’t have any
complaint against her. She exactly knew that I was a
serious type of person and I was after her only. Even then
she didn’t talk to me despite my best efforts to talk to her.
Yes it was a matter of shame for me that I couldn’t talk to
her in two and half year. But this could be seen as a
positive point and negative point of mine. During this time
I couldn’t talk to her that was a symbol that I was a good
guy who never dealt with girls before this. Suppose if there
was some other boy then he must had done this job or at
least talked to her. My appearance was not so bad that one
might not look at me. Moreover I was a good human being.
I was not addicted to anything wrong. My tendency was to
always help others. Moreover I was mad for her. Even then
it seemed that she took me and my love story just a joke
and she seemed to be enjoying it. But I didn’t have any
complaint against her as girls are continuously distracted by
boys so they are less sensitive to the feelings, our society
too doesn’t give much freedom to girls. Moreover only God
knew about her case, might be she had her own constraints
or something else.

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 25. Come Back, Come to the Real

Really it’s very enjoyable when we are in between a very

nice dream. We want to persist with our dream. We want
our dream to become a reality. But after all a dream is a
dream and at some point of time it has to shatter down,
leaving us with our reality. The greater you are indulged in
a dream, the more time you want to spent in the dream and
greater it is going to hurt us. So it’s always better to come
out of a dream as soon as possible.
Today my situation was like a dream. It seemed as I was in
a deep slumber and having a very sweet dream. This sweet
dream was about my love story. Really when someone is
having such a dream then we wouldn’t like to come out of
this sweet, exciting dream. But one must keep this in mind
that he has to return back to the real and face the reality.
My love story was more than such a dream and
unfortunately day by day I was getting more serious and
getting lost into this. My mind exactly knew that situation
but the field of my heart was so strong that it had created an
illusion and my mind had been entrapped and confused
inside that. My mind exactly knew that there was nothing
from her side. She had no feelings for me and all that
events which happened were just co-incidents but my heart
using my mind had created imaginary situations. To my
heart it seemed as she was meant only for me, she did
possess feelings for me. Using my mind my heart had
manipulated the co-incidents to build an illusion around
me. This illusion was such a strong one that I (my mind)

60
exactly knew the situation even then I was unable to come
out of that. Many times I thought that I would elaborate her
behavior negatively before my heart so that it could come
out of that situation. But I kept thinking this for a long time
but couldn’t do because my heart never allowed my mind
to do that. Moreover I did have some frustration in my
mind and I wanted to express it in my poetry but my heart
never allowed me to do that. So I was trapped between
heart and mind. But anyway one day I need to come out of
that illusion otherwise there would be terrific outcomes.
Before leaving Shimla I must settle down the topic
otherwise consequences would be beyond imagination. I
hope I would make it as I had to meet goals of my life. So
was I able to do that before leaving Shimla? If not then
what are consequences? I am leaving these questions up to
you.

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 26. Love is Unending…

Why have we feelings for special ones?

Love is a spiritual concept. It has mainly three phases-
Having Feelings, Realization of Feelings and Expression of
Feelings and the remaining things. Actually feelings are
present in the Universe and they enter our system at some
special times. The feelings are eternal as they are a form of
Energy and thus Universal Law of Conservation of Energy
hold for feelings. As we know Spiritual and Material things
are inter connected. We also know that material things are
mortal, temporary and they have to perish at one point of
time but spiritual things are immortal and eternal. So if
material and spiritual things are connected that means at
one point of time material thing would vanish but
corresponding spiritual thing would continue to exist. So
when material thing vanishes at that time corresponding
spiritual thing is released into the Universe as vibrations
and these vibrations stay in the Universe for infinite time.
Now these vibrations wait for the manifestation of those
material things (obviously there is another spiritual thing
apart from the first one which get manifested into material
form called Spirit and actually interactions are between
spiritual things via material things but we would consider
interactions only between material and spiritual things to
reduce the complexity of the situation) and once manifested
they wait for suitable times when these material things face
each other and that time pass through those material bodies
and in this way those material objects have these feelings

62
for each other. That means two bodies experiencing
feelings must have existed at some point of time earlier
(How did these vibrations are created first time? Might be
created by God or some other reasons which need to be
explored but all this is beyond the scope of this simple love
story).
The moment when we realize the feelings, our love is
complete, is successful. It’s not necessary to express the
feelings and rest of the events. They only give materialistic
touch to the love and are not required. But yes for the
stability of our life i.e. the materialistic beings the
expression of feelings and other events are necessary. If we
could express our feelings and marry that special person
then that’s the best case.
Love is having no end. It’s endless. As love is just a feeling
and as the feelings can never die or born, they remain intact
in the Universe and simply transferred from one to another,
so the love has no end, it’s endless. Once you have feelings
for someone special, they are most active at some point of
time and you can see your love is at peak. But when that
special one goes away, initially the feelings get more
intensified but whenever people get busy in their life and
other things start happening the feelings might become less
active. They would be confined to a bit of our heart but
these are always there in our heart and never end. Even
when we die they don’t die rather escaped into the Universe
as vibrations.
Most of the time we used to listen people saying that their
love ended, their love is over now, died, ended. There is
nothing like that. Love is never over, it never dies, never

63
end. People also used to say ‘love hurts a lot’ but I say love
never hurts. Lover never demands, have no expectations,
no requirements etc. But we i.e. materialistic beings
associate our expectations with this spiritual concept. Now
when these materialistic expectations, requirements and
demands are not met then people are hurt in love, their love
is over, love ended. For example in love once you realize
your feelings your love is complete, it’s successful and it’s
not required that the other person should love you in return.
But we are material beings and because of materialistic
nature we start expecting love in return. We know
‘Expectation is the root cause of all human sorrows’ so
because of this expectation of being loved in return become
the source of hurting our feelings and thus pain. Love can’t
hurt you but we are hurt because of our expectations. So
love is unending. It’s the eternal spiritual concept,
producing only positive effects on its environment.

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 27. Let’s see how the Story Ends

Moments of success and moments of failure both come into

our life. When there is moment of success we are excited,
we are happy and when there is failure we are sad, we are
disappointed. This phenomenon is something which is
programmed into our minds for years according to Deepak
Chopra in his book ‘Ageless Body Timeless Mind’. Guru ji
says a wise person must not be affected by sorrows,
happiness, success or failures. Under any situation we must
persist with the situation. Moreover as far as failures are
concerned they are sometimes more important than success.
When we achieve success in the very first attempt then we
couldn’t understand the real meanings of the things. That
means the failures are the way which teach us the real
meanings of success and related things. They just intensify
the desire to achieve something, enhances our efforts. So
we must see the failures in our life as lessons for life which
help us to live the beautiful life in a better way. Similarly
all problems are lessons for life and we must face them. We
must not run away from our situation and should face them.
As for as my case is concerned, I too had met many failures
in life. Only two days ago a big failure came to me when I
missed the opportunity to get admission at IIT Ropar in
PhD which was a big blow to my dreams. Similarly even in
the field of love too, I couldn’t do well at all as I couldn’t
even talk to Shivani in more than two years. Whether it was
my Research dream or Shivani, I did my best efforts but
even then I couldn’t achieve anything. But that didn’t mean

65
that I would give up my efforts. I would continue to persist
with my situations and would make best efforts. I hadn’t
given up any of the two dreams. Each time I met failure I
told myself, “This failure, problem is just a way to teach
me, help me understand the real meanings. I have to face
the situations, put new efforts again.” and I used to say,
“Let’s see how the story ends…” I believe, have a faith in
God that when we put best efforts till our last possible
situation then success would be ours when the story would
end. Otherwise there would be imbalance in the world,
some things wouldn’t be justified. After all, the Almighty is
balancing everything; he would definitely balance our case
also. So don’t worry “Keep putting your best efforts till the
last and success would be yours”.

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 28. Love is Pain

Somebody has rightly said, “Love is Pain”. Is it really? Yes

of course it is, somebody has not said it blindly rather after
experiencing it. Actually it is and it is not. First let’s see
why love is not pain. I would like to use the concept of
spirituality to explain this. Love being a spiritual and it is
successful and complete when you realize the feelings of
love for somebody. It doesn’t need to be both sided, when
you love someone special then you need not be loved back.
There is no expectation in love and due to lack of these
expectations, love is painless. This is because-
“Expectations are the root causes of all human sorrows”
–JMD
Actually what is sorrow? In first place it is non- fulfillment
of our expectations. So when our expectations are not met,
we are hurt, we are sad. So mantra for being happy in life is
to keep your expectations minimum. The spiritual theory of
love is very simple: You have feelings for somebody. You
just feel it, realize it and move on. That’s all it needs. No
expectation no pain.
Now let’s consider the other case- Love is Pain. As I
already said yes it is, I wouldn’t move against the well said
statement by some other lover. No doubt Love is spiritual
but we are materialistic and so we have material nature.
Love (spiritual thing) need to be experienced through us
(material beings) so we couldn’t get rid of the material
nature. Material nature simply means we do expect
something when we do something to others. That means

67
when I love somebody I expect to be loved back in the
same spirit. But unfortunately that’s not possible in all the
cases and this is where pain arises in love. Our expectations
broke and we are hurt. More expectations, more the
probability of being hurt. I am loving her she must love me,
I am wishing her she must wish me, I am caring about her
she must care for me, I help her she must help me, I am
looking at her she must look back, etc. All these are
expectations which have probability to hurt you. Okay so
now question arises what to do? Should we expect or not?
In first place if you could reduce your expectations then
that would be the best case, just keep loving silently. In
second place yes you should expect, if your most generic
expectations are met in that case you are lucky you have
got the best partner otherwise just try to understand your
partner and if required compromise.
You might be thinking that throughout the book I kept
saying that love is spiritual and at the same time I talked
about my hurt feelings. So you already know the answer.
No doubt love is spiritual but after all my existence is
material. I had feelings for her and I expected her to have
feelings for me that was the source of hurt feelings for me
and like that.

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 29. She’s everywhere

Why she’s got everywhere?

Really that’s a very interesting question. When people fell
in love they used to tell that their beloved one is
everywhere. We feel her presence everywhere whether she
is actually there or not. Everywhere means all places we
visit from morning to evening like hostel, library, office,
ground, garden etc. and especially when we are alone. It
would be perhaps impossible to answer this question
scientifically but spiritually I could explain it. She is love
for me and love is a feeling of being connectedness and by
feeling this connectedness (link) between us, we could feel
love which further means we, by feeling the link with her
could feel her presence at any time at any place. If I want to
have her with me, I simply need to feel the link between us
and she would be with me. That must sound crazy and yes
love is crazy but this craziness must be kept under check
before you create your own virtual world. I have
experienced this craziness to a dangerous level, yes up to
creating a virtual world. Thank God, somehow I came out
of it. Okay, now there is another question-
How do we recognize her entry into our environment?
Another interesting question, I can give spiritual and
scientific explanations to this question. First let us
understand the question. It simply means that suppose I am
sitting in the library in science section and she enters the
science section then I could recognize her without looking
at her and crazy things like that. In scientific view point this

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is because we have seen her myriad times. We know her
minute details about her dressing sense, her walking style,
her talking style, her smile, her gestures, her postures, the
way she deals with the things, the way she react to me and
so on. Now when any of her characteristic matches with the
already present details in our mind then we could predict
her presence in our environment. When she enters into our
environment (say enter into science section or comes out of
book section) without looking at her I could tell that it was
she. It is obvious that for this explanation to work, she must
be in our view because we get some signals then our mind
do pattern matching and predicts the output. In spiritual
terms perhaps these are the feelings which do this trick. I
used to see her every time she enters science section. In fact
I must say I used to see only her when she entered my
environment using the same funda.
We are taking questions so let us take one more interesting
question.
What is the difference between like and love?
When some trait/quality of some object is of your interest
then you like it e.g. you go for shopping, there are many
kind of dresses but you choose those that matches your
interest and thus you like them. On the other hand when
you are drawn towards something without any logic, you
feel connected and happy around that object, and it’s a
feeling that connects you with that object then it’s your
love for that particular object e.g. relation between mother
and child. So liking something is based on physical traits
and loving something is based on feelings. Thus I can like
many good girls who have good nature or who looks good

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but I can love only that girl for whom I have feelings. I
hope I made sense to you. Moreover Buddha has very
beautifully differentiated like and love by the statement:-
When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you
love a flower, you water it daily.

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 30. Love and Sex

Before you develop your own thoughts over this topic let
me make it clear to you that there is no connection between
these two terms at all. Just hold on, I would return with
explanation.
If I would have published this book during my MCA then I
must not have included this chapter in this book at all. But
when I moved around from Indore, Noida to Delhi then I
came to know the modern definition of Love. Many great
people have skipped this topic from their discussion
because of its controversial nature. I have heard (not sure if
true) that even Buddha have not talked anything about sex.
But when I moved around and saw the modern definition of
love then I was hurt, once I had a feeling of guilt also that
why had I fallen in love. I am using term modern love
instead of love to make a difference between what is called
love by the modern society and what is Love (more
precisely True Love) in real sense. Let’s understand their
meaning separately.
True love as already stated, is a feeling of connectedness
which holds two persons together (both sided love) or one
person on to other (one sided). You feel this connectedness,
realize it and that’s all, your love is complete, it is
successful. This is purely spiritual concept. On the other
hand, sex is based purely on material existence for
maintaining the material existence. Sex is a temporary
physical need of human beings. Again it’s an energy but I

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can’t call it negative at all because it is a source of great
creativity (where an entirely new being come into existence
because of sex) and responsible for sustaining materialism
(life).
Okay so how are Love and Sex related to each other.
According to modern people, love has origin in the physical
beauty and it is all about sex. If you want to love someone
you have sex with them. This is all absurd and miles away
from their definitions. Yes I admit that sex is part of life (at
max I can say inseparable part of life) but it is not
everything. When two material beings (persons) come close
to each other there is a probability of having sex between
them depending upon their belief systems, because of their
material nature (more precisely human nature). If it
happens then where Love is at all, sex was their physical
need and when they came close to each other and when
their beliefs were in harmony they had it. So it is quite clear
that Love is spiritual concept and sex is material concept,
having no connection between them. Let’s take the
example of prostitutes. People have their physical needs
(because of their material nature) and they are going to
them to satisfy it. Now tell me where is love here. When
physical beauty is the only basis of your love then
definitely it is not true love and it would definitely end up
in having sex and you can’t call it love. People has spoiled
the definition of love. When I saw all this, really it hurt me
a lot. Let’s discuss one extreme case of Love. You love
somebody, you have true feelings and because of that you
come close to that person and then you might have sex.
Now again you had sex not because of love but because of

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your human nature, yes love brought you close and that’s it,
whatever happened beyond that was only because of
material nature because it would happen even with the
strangers brought together. Some people have sex outside
their marriage (means after marriage, with someone other
than spouse) and then call it love. Actually friends this is
not love at all rather their sexual tendency (I am not getting
proper word for it) is not satisfied with their partner (or
might be something else) and they are going beyond our
beliefs and having illegal affair so to make it legal they call
it love and thereby further spoiling pure and true spiritual
concept like Love. One more interesting news, we come to
listen is something like this- a married person run away
with lover/beloved. What is this? If it was about love then
that person must have stayed with spouse otherwise he/she
must have quitted gracefully instead of running like this.
One word which is closely related with the TRUE LOVE is
SACRIFICE. True lovers can even sacrifice their love to
keep the things in order. But when people do things out of
order that simply means that they are doing it for sex and
there is nothing like love. They are just trying to hide the
illegal work. Now you might have guessed why people run
away like above case, I am leaving it to you. Look if people
who are in love and have sex with their partner then this
happens according to their mutual consent (or whatever it
is), that’s fine. My only point is that when people have sex
and call it love then that’s wrong because Love and Sex are
two entirely different things. I hope I made sense.

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 31. Love is a Journey

Love is not a destination rather Love is a journey. Love is a

feeling of someone being special to us (it’s not necessary
that we are also special for that person). Until we realize
these feelings, our love is more active. Here I am going to
answer another interesting question-
Why Love diminishes after marriage?
People often complain that their partner loves less than
before marriage. Look I was not lucky enough to reach up
to marriage but I could still answer it by being thoughtful
using feelings after all now I am a Love Guru (hahaaa…).
When two lovers get married, many things come into
picture like their responsibilities towards each other, their
parents, society and their problems gets triple etc. All these
things occupy huge space in their mind and they become
busy with these things in their head. They get little time to
pay attention towards their feelings for each other or to feel
their love. No doubt feelings are still there, holding them
together but because of marriage their mind is over casted
by other things around and they have got a little time to
realize their feelings. Technically you could say that their
love has become less active or they love each other less
than before marriage. So question arises, for keeping our
love active for the life time, should we not marry whom we
love? The answer to this question is straightly yes, we
should marry our beloved one. There are two major reasons
for this. First: Life do have problems and we face bad times
but this is where love should play its role. They should face

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everything with the energy of love. Second: people have
wrong mentality about love. People think in love two
persons have feelings, they realize it, express it, marry each
other and that’s all. That’s success of love and happy
ending of love. But this is not like that. Love is endless,
how it could come to an end. It’s not a final destination, not
a target that you could reach and finish. Marriage is only an
achievement or milestone in the journey of love but it’s
never the destination, end of love. We have feelings for
someone and we would continue to feel these feelings till
the very end of our life. Now days the mentality of people
about the marriage and love is producing gaps in their love.
So if you are not able to marry your beloved in that case
you would be able to feel this sea of feelings till the end of
life with more intensely and then this special type of
journey would become more enjoyable in its own sense.
This chapter is dedicated to all those lovers who due to
some reasons couldn’t meet their beloved one including
myself. We would enjoy this journey throughout our life
with its intensity increasing at its each step.

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 32. Love is Beyond Madness and Logic

We often come to listen that he/she is mad in love but I

believe love is beyond madness. Generally we can
understand most of things using logic/mind but love is
beyond logic, we can’t get it with logic. Okay so first take
logic, it is our ability to prove or to disprove the existence
of things using facts. And what is Love? It is a feeling of
connectedness. Feeling is a spiritual concept and could not
be explained with logic, it is beyond science. In first place
it is difficult to tell what is a feeling actually. Then how
feeling holds things together is again a mystery. Thus the
whole concept of Love could not be explained with science
because of its spiritual nature and thus it is beyond logic.
Now take the madness. First let’s understand what Madness
is. Madness is an abnormal human behavior. Yes love is
abnormal. In love all things are elevated to life and a person
in love is able to talk to everything whether it is animate or
inanimate (I do this craziness sometimes). This is not
normal thing. Similarly there are many examples to show
that a person in love is different, different than the average
human. Thus love is an abnormal behavior exhibited by
some blessed souls; in this way it is one form of madness.
It is generally even beyond that. Mad people generally
forget their identity, their duties etc. but never forget to eat,
sleep and generally don’t hurt themselves. On the other
hand people in love sometimes just give up eating, sleeping
and do hurt themselves. This is strange and one step ahead

77
of madness. That’s why I say Love is beyond madness and
mind.

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 33. It’s Difficult to Persist

In this world it is always easy to start something but it very

difficult to persist with that. Take one example people start
some business then most of people simply close that
business when they see hard time in that. Guruji says that
happiness and sadness are all part of life and
complementary to each other. You could not enjoy
happiness without sadness. Happiness is only because of
sadness and vice versa. It’s sadness which help us to realize
the true meaning of happiness. So you have to face every
up and down in business to be a successful businessman.
Similarly suppose you want to qualify UGC NET exam
then it is always easy to start the preparation and take the
test. If you qualify in first one then you are lucky and extra-
ordinary but generally this doesn’t happen. Many students
want to qualify this exam but most of them either quit after
some failures or they don’t put their continuous best
effort. It is difficult to face the failures (hard time) and
continuously put best efforts. Don’t think I am only saying
things I have practiced this idea in life. I prepared for four
years for JRF while working in the industry and academics,
and utilized all that time which I could get and finally
qualified JRF after many failures. So this was general idea
that in this world it is always easy to start with something
but difficult to persist with that task. Similar is the case
with Love. It’s easy to fall in love with someone, in fact
everybody does fall in love with someone special but
people just quit when the hard time comes. Love is pain so

79
when they confront this aspect of love they simply quit. For
example one sided love, distant love etc. are full of pain so
when people fall into this situation they simply quit. I must
say this was not a true love moreover they haven’t enjoyed
the true meanings of love. Somebody has rightly said that
love is pain but I must extend this to say ‘Love is
incomplete without pain’. If you don’t have pain in love
then perhaps you haven’t had the true excitement of love
that you could have in it. Talking about my case I have felt
a lot, I have enjoyed it a lot and still enjoying this infinite
sea of feelings. Today I feel I have started loving these
feelings more than Shivani. I have persisted in love and
came out after burning in the fire of love. I have felt these
emotions to the deepest level and because of that I was able
to write two books carrying my experiences and my
feelings. Really I feel blessed to have these wonderful
feelings. Currently I have given up to approach her and left
everything with the Almighty. Everything is accepted to
me. If I could have her in my life that would be the best
case otherwise no problem. I would stay unmarried and
would continue the journey of my dreams alone. Perhaps I
have reached in the state mentioned by the following
statement from the movie ‘Namaste London’-
‘Ishq di mere mitra pehchaan ki mit jave jadon jid apnan
di’ (Asali pyar ka matlab hasil karna nahi hota).

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 34. My Love Story in Nutshell…

After completion of my graduation when I went to HPU

Shimla, I told myself not to get distracted and be focused
towards the realization of my dreams. I told myself to
remember Sir Pradeep Thakur’s statement-
‘Don’t run behind things, just do something great that
things would run after you.’
I never paid attention to girls and truly speaking I was
afraid of them. If any girl asks me something then I try to
reply in yes or no. I used to escape their confrontations and
yes I was afraid of facing them. I was unaware of Love and
girls. I believe it to be absurd and time wasting thing. Then
at the beginning of second semester, I met Shivani at Love
Point and felt the strong connection with her. I could not
understand all this at that time. After all by that time I
never used to pay attention towards the girls and used to
skip their confrontations. So being unaware of this
situation, I termed it an experiment of personality
improvement. Then I saw her at the same place even the
second time and later I found her sitting just before me in
the library and this was the place where my love story
progressed. I used to line her in the library and in campus
myriad times. After around one year, I decided to propose
here and approached her with same intention. But she
shattered my heart all in small-small pieces and denied to
even talk to me. Up to this point I thought it as only an
experiment to improve my interaction skills. After being
denied to even talk, I realized that I was in Love with

81
Shivani. She was always around me but never talked to me.
She was around me for about two and half year but I
couldn’t even talk to her. So during this journey I kept
feeling the strong connection with her more and more
intensely. Moreover failure to talk to her and her rejection
kept pinching me. I tried to express my situation to my
friends but neither I could explain it nor they could ever
understand this ‘sea of feelings’. So I turned to express
myself as poems and later this book and this is how a
simple person became a lover, a writer, a poet etc. Then I
approached her the second time also. After the first attempt
to propose Shivani, friends told me that for such matter we
need to take a systematic approach. So I approached her
using a small excuse of asking for a ball pen in the library
but she denied to give her ball pen. The consequences of
both these attempts were drastic for me but at the same
time increased the surge in the waves of feelings in the sea
of my love for Shivani. I kept expressing my feelings into
poems which resulted in my poetry book ‘My Feelings My
Poetry’. We used to sit around one pillar in library but still
I couldn’t even talk to her and she went away from me just
before my eyes, leaving behind a huge sea of love. I
thought I would forget her when I would leave HPU but
that was my mistake. I tried to forget her many times but
failed to do so and at the same time the feelings for her got
intensified. When failed to express my feelings face to face,
I expressed using SMSs. But I never got a positive
response. I was attracted to Shivani only and only because
of feelings of strong connectedness. When I met her the
first time I had a feeling that we have a strong old

82
connection and I kept feeling this connection each time she
came in front of me. These feelings are the only basis of
my love story and not any physical traits of her personality
and that’s why it’s my TRUE LOVE for her. I tried to
express myself through all means but no positive outcome.
I sent her SMSs, called on her number once, tried to talk to
her face to face, tried to contact through social media and I
had also sent relationship request to her parents for
marriage but all failed. So now the love story is more than
five years old. She’s still unmarried so still there is some
probability. My heart says, “She’s meant only for me and I
am only for her”. But for mind, it seems all impossible.
After all these attempts it seems she doesn’t like me but yes
she is unmarried so some chances are yet there. Last
attempts to approach her was through whatsApp and
Facebook but even these attempts failed as I was either got
blocked or got feedback through third partied for not
disturbing her. Really this was very hurting to me so I
decided to give up and not to disturb her again. It’s okay if
she is happy without me, after all this is what I want. My
good wishes are always with her. I have left everything
with the God. She be happy with me or without me that’s
my only wish. As for as my case is concerned I have
decided to stay unmarried. I will wait for her at least until
she would get married and after that I would stay unmarried
and would be researcher, poet and writer (if survived).

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 35. Important Events of My Love Story

Here I will cite some incidents of my love story which are

not covered in the remaining chapters. There are many
incidents which I have written in my diary but it won’t be
possible to cite them all here. Moreover my heart doesn’t
allow me to present everything before the public. Here are
some-
1. How I got her mobile number?
One friend of mine was her classmate. Actually he belongs
to my neighboring village. He provided me her number.
When he gave me her number, he asked me to call her and
propose her but I denied to do so. I told him that genuine
people didn’t do like that. I told him that I would meet her
face to face and then I would express my feelings.

2. How I got her photos?

Again it was the same friend who gave me her photos.

3. How I got her DOB?

She was healthy at that time and I was thin. So my friends
used to say she is older to me. I never thought like that but
yes I want to know her date of birth. So one day I visited
her department and found her DOB on the notice board.

4. How did I compare my height against her?

As for as her physical look is concerned she was a tall and
healthy girl. So my friends used to say that she is taller than
me but I know there was nothing like that. It was a very

84
nice event when I compared my height against her. In HPU
Shimla library the sitting capacity is very less as compared
with the number students who used to come to study in
library so we (students) have to line up outside the library
to get our favorite seat (same fixed seat) early in the
morning. Moreover entry in library is also controlled by
guards. They sent 10-10 boys and girls turn by turn. One
day both of us were lined up there. When I reached near
entry gate, guard stopped me as number of students to be
allowed were completed. So now I was at the head of boys
queue at the entry gate. Then guard allowed girls to enter
and as the number to be allowed completed, he stopped
their queue. I was on head of boys queue. Now guess who
was at the head of girls queue. Yes of course it was
Shivani. We faced each other by a distance of one or two
feet near the entry gate for about two-three seconds. And
this much time was sufficient for me to have a glance of her
eyes and compare my height against her. She was
approximately up to my ears. This is how I compared my
height against her.

5. I wanted to offer her a seat in auditorium.

One day some function was running in the auditorium and I
was sitting there with my friend. The auditorium was
humming with music and the crowd. There was no empty
seat. As I saw her there standing, first I clicked some
photos of her and then I wanted to offer my seat to her. She
also noticed me there. Now I was very afraid of offering
seat to her. I tried but I couldn’t offer her seat. Luckily she
got a seat in just next row to me and close to me. So again I

85
clicked many snaps of her and obviously not front pose
rather side pose.
6. Last meeting
It was her second last day in HPU Shimla (I guess
according to information available). I was on the Mall Road
Shimla, near Scandal Point with my friends when she was
also coming with her friends from the opposite side. Both
of us noticed each other. I followed her and wanted to talk
to her but at the same time I was afraid also. It was first
time when any of my friends encouraged me to talk to her.
It was Navneet who told me that I would not get any
chance to talk to her so go and talk. She entered in ATM
and all her friends came aside except one who was also
drawing money there. So with an excuse of drawing money
I went there and queued up there. There were two queues. I
stood in the same queue in which she was standing. I knew
she was aware of my existence there and she was expecting
me to follow her. I was strongly thinking that she would
definitely look back for me. And yes she did look back and
found me just behind her. Might be she have given me
opportunity to talk to her as she was alone there and all her
friends were sitting one side near Scandal Point. Now when
she looked back, her expressions looked blank and I
discarded the idea to talk to her, truly speaking I was afraid
also. Might be she was also afraid and uncomfortable.
Really I was an idiot to miss this opportunity. Then she left
the Ridge and went to Tibetan market. I wanted to follow
her but couldn’t. Then thought I would definitely talk to her
when I would face her again in the market but I couldn’t
face her again. Later my friend Dinesh who used to be with

86
me in library was also in the lower market but not with me.
He found her twice in the lower market and boarded the
same bus with her back to University. He told me that all
the three time she was looking with wide open eyes for
you.
Moreover there was one more chance to meet her but I
missed because I thought I wouldn’t be able to face her. It
was when I was working in the Impetus InfoTech Pvt. Ltd.
in NOIDA. I received a letter from HPU. I was invited to
receive gold medal. Don’t get confused, in MCA I was not
in first place and I don’t know about my number in the final
merit but I attended one another one year course in French
in HPU where I had topped and I was invited to receive
gold medal from the President Pranab Mukherjee. By then
many things have already happened to me and latest event
was that she had blocked me on the whatsApp. She was
also invited in the function after all she was topper in her
department. I wanted to see her but I felt exhausted to face
her and didn’t attend that function. Yes I made another
mistake by losing this opportunity. My heart never
pardoned my mind for this event.

7. I wanted to offer Prasada

It was Sunday and I had gone to the Sankat Mochan
temple. When I returned back to library I started
distributing prasada to my friends. Shivani was also there
along with her friend Anita who also knew me. So
somehow I distributed it to Anita also. I wanted to
distribute prasada to Shivani also but first I was afraid to do
so and second somewhere in my mind I thought it would

87
not be appropriate to use God’s name to approach her. She
must had taken it if I had given it to her because how she
could reject prasada. So all these ideas in my mind
abstained me from offering prasada to her. Even Anita
asked me to offer her prasada. But I was afraid and denied
to do so. This was another mistake which I made. Most of
the time when she was close to me in the library, I failed to
approach her because I kept thinking that I might be
disturbing her from her studies. No doubt I loved her but at
the same time I didn’t want to disturb her. Another mistake
which I kept doing for the time she was around me in
library and I believe I am still doing the same mistake.

8. Never prayed to have her in my life

Except one-two worst circumstances when I prayed God to
have her in my life, I never asked the God to do so. Again
crazy idea was running behind it. It doesn’t mean that I
don’t have faith in the God. I wanted to have her in my life
naturally, when both of us have the same feelings for each
other. I believe the God can do anything, any miracle. But I
thought every person has her own taste, it might be possible
that she didn’t like me at all. So I didn’t want to force up on
her to love me. This was another one mistake.

9. Yes I wept for her

Three things usually made me cry and one is Shivani. It’s
difficult when and how it happens but yes sometimes it
happens.

10. My seat in Library

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In first semester I used to sit in 24 Hour section but it was
too crowded so decided to change it in the second semester.
I decided to sit in the Science section in second semester. I
met Shivani in second semester also. Initially I used to sit
in lower part of Science section and she used to sit in upper
part exactly at right angle to me. I sat there for around two
months then changed my location closer to her. In the third
semester I started coming to library before her and selected
my seat in such a way that I could see her in all cases
wherever she would sit. Now I was sitting in upper part of
Science section on a table behind her earlier table. But
when she came to library she chose to sit around the same
pillar around which I was sitting with both of us facing
away from that huge pillar and spent rest two years at the
same table with she sitting on other side of pillar.

11. When She sat just before me

One day after lunch someone else occupied her seat and she
shared seat with her friend just before me on the table next
to my table and facing my side. When she sat there I was
not sitting on my table. When I returned to my seat and
before I sat, we had an eye clash. I noticed her changing
face expressions. She was feeling uncomfortable and little
bit stressed. I couldn’t see her stressed. I was happy to see
her just before my table and wanted to continue to see her
but at the same time I didn’t want to disturb her. My
presence disturbed her so I decided to leave that seat before
I could even sit there. Moreover my senior was sitting on
my seat in my absence and he has left his books there. So I
got an excuse to leave the seat. Truly speaking I was afraid

89
to face her also. I always wanted to see her but only I
wanted to look into her eyes and didn’t want her to look
back except one eye clash. So with this I left my seat and
committed another mistake. So now I sat on lower part of
Science section just before her eyes. As I left the seat and
sat on lower part of section, her eyes looked for me; her
eyes wanted to know where had I gone. I was obviously
looking her doing all this and again we had an eye clash
and that was much for me.
There was one another time when she sat close to me. She
sat on a table right to me, just next to my table with her
friend. I didn’t use to look any other girl except her and
used to keep my eyes grounded only on my book so I
couldn’t even notice her for a long time.

12. Waited at University gate during exam times

She didn’t use to come to library during exam times so in
order to have her glance I used to go to University gate and
wait there for her to come to take exam and sometimes for
her to get back to hostel after the exam. I used to feel some
uneasiness without seeing her for a long time so sometimes
follow her exam timings to see her. One interesting thing is
that I used to stand on one corner so that only I could see
her and not she could see me (another mistake). Second
interesting thing is that I had written one poem on
University gate while waiting for her.

13. She was damn beautiful

OR
First close view

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When I came to Science section, for about two months I
continued to sit at the same place, exactly right angle to her
but on the lower floor of Science section. One day some
seats were vacant on the upper floor in the evening and it
was cold on the lower floor. So I got an opportunity to go
to upper floor and to sit near her. Actually I was afraid to
sit close to her and even in her line of sight. But on that day
Navneet was also sitting there and he encouraged me to sit
close to her and in sight. But while being afraid, I could sit
on third table in front of her but on the outer line so that she
was exactly before my eyes at some angle. By that time she
had realized that I used to see her. This was the first time
when I saw her so closely (distance of three tables). Before
this it was difficult to see her from lower floor along the
sun light and in campus too I could see her only while
moving. Moreover I could hardly see her more than two
seconds in one go. But that day I have got an opportunity to
see her from a close distance. It’s difficult to describe her
beauty, she was no less than my favorite actress Katreena
and I agreed that she was ‘Harkuchh’ (that means ultimate.
This word is very frequently used in HPU).
I couldn’t sit there for much time because as I sat there she
immediately noticed me. Then I felt as she was
uncomfortable in my presence. I couldn’t see her in sorrow
or any problem. My heart couldn’t tolerate this situation as
it was I who has created problem to her. So I had to give up
the joy of feeling her beauty against the discomfort caused
to her by my presence. So immediately after sitting there
and realizing that I changed my seat and sat out of sight to

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her. Thus that was the first close view and unfortunately
last too, as I couldn’t find such opportunity again.

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 36. The End…

Love is eternal, it’s having no end. Yes one can stop feeling
these feelings by framing/having some field around mind
but that doesn’t mean love has ended that simply mean one
has made one’s mind busy somewhere else. That means
one has taken the attention off from these feelings. So it
might appear that Love has ended but actually it never
does.
I started with an experiment so you might be interested to
know the end result. Love has no end but an experiment
does have. According to the Love Theory that I have
proposed, my love story is successful. According to world,
my love story is a failure. I must say don’t say like this, I
believe still she’s unmarried and there is little probability…
If I remember the very start of this experiment then the
objective was to talk to a girl confidently. So if consider
this as objective of experiment then I believe the
experiment was almost successful since I approached her
and tried to talk to her. Moreover today I can talk to any
girl confidently so that experiment seems to be successful.
Okay all that fancy things are one side, what is my current
status, you might be interested in that. If it is like that then
in short I want to say that I have left everything to the
Almighty. As for as her case is concerned, it seems that she
doesn’t love me at all. As for as my case is concerned I
have given up. I have given up to approach her to express
my love for her but I have not given up to love her, in fact
that is beyond my control. My heart says that we are born

93
for each other. Whatever are the current circumstances one
day we would be together and that’ all. For my mind, it
seems impossible to have her in my life.
I have given up to try to approach her and left everything
with ‘Mata Rani’. I have faith and any result is accepted to
me. If she is happy without me then that’s fine with me.
She be happy, should get everything she wants, these are
my wishes for her. As for as my case is concerned I can
face anything. No doubt this life would be beautiful with
her but even without her this life would not be less
interesting. Without her, I would escape from India and I
would keep playing with these feelings and I would be
known as a writer, a poet and a scientist (if survived). So
yes I am waiting for her, waiting silently… She is doing
research and unmarried so still there is some hope. I hope
she would read this book one day and it wouldn’t be too
late by then.

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 37. Message for Shivani

Baby! I Love You…

If you could feel my love from this statement then that’s
great otherwise I won’t be able to express this ‘sea of
feelings’ for you. I am sorry I couldn’t express my love for
you although I tried everything but couldn’t succeed. Right
now I am not expecting anything from you. If you could be
part of my life then that would be the best case of my life
otherwise what can I do, that’s okay. After all your life,
your choice. You be happy forever with me or without me
that’s my only wish. I have given up approaching you but
that doesn’t mean that I have stopped loving you, in fact
that’s beyond my control otherwise I must have done it
much ago.
Baby! Sometimes I think I am not a suitable match for you
and you might get sorrow with me. I want you to stay
happy all the time so I think you must not marry me. There
are many reasons that make me think like this. I want to
share these with you so that if you ever think of saying
‘YES’ to me then you should be aware of these (this is
really crazy, even my mind believes in the theory of my
heart…hahahaa).
Reasons that make me unsuitable match for you-
1. Baby! I have lost my hair and in coming time I could be
completely bald. You are gorgeous; you are perfect so
deserve someone better than me, a handsome dude.
2. I am a serious and boring person (according to people)
so with me your life might become serious and boring. I

95
 want you to be happy all the time so I am not suitable
for you.
3. Life is tough. People have to face up and downs. With
me obviously you too have to face some hard time. I
can’t see you struggling with life. So while out of sight,
I will think that you are happy.
4. I am not rich so I won’t be able to get you luxurious
life.
5. I am a straight forward person (according to people) but
for me these are my principles which I follow to be on
path to become a good human being one day. Whatever
I am saying i.e. being good is a fancy term in modern
days. People like share good things but never follow
them. Similarly we read good things in books and about
characters but it is very difficult to follow them,
become a character like that in this modern world.
Because following them Life becomes hard and
generally we don’t like hard life. Baby! Don’t take it
negatively. All I mean is that I am on a path to become
a good human being so if you become my life partner
then obviously even your life would be affected.
6. I feel I am not a normal human being. I feel I am a
blessed soul (blessed by parents, teachers and the
Almighty). I am here for some higher purpose (don’t
know what is that so far). It might affect your life if
your nature doesn’t match mine.
7. Now days, the love stories seem to be in a pathetic
condition. People love and get separated. Moreover
there are many bad aspects that people have added to
love just like the religion. I don’t want to name them

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 along with my love story. Baby! I can’t see all this
happening to my love story. I can live without you but
can’t see all this happening to my love story.
8. Love is God. I have realized this statement in my love
story. I have started seeing God in you. For me your
status has ascended to a very high level. Now I can’t
match that level…
9. Are you my imagination? I never talked to you, I don’t
know much about you and more interestingly I have not
even seen you properly from close. Might be, it is only
my imagination about a dream girl which seemed to be
manifested as you. So am I elaborating things about you
or about my imagination?
10. Once we get something, we forget its value. We forget
how much effort we have put, how we have even wept
to get that thing and then take that thing as granted once
we have it. But if we don’t get what we want then
continuously we put our best efforts and day by day
desire to have that thing increases. If we fail to have
that thing in life then we look at that thing with respect
for the whole life. This is a general human tendency
about things (animate as well as inanimate). Similar
situation can occur even in love. I don’t want this
principle to apply to my love story. I can live without
you but I don’t want to see all these things happening to
my love story.
11. Etc. Many such points.
Baby! I want but I don’t want to be with you. I have a
‘huge sea of feelings’ for you and my books contain only a
fraction of it (you can say only 5%). I am not a writer

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(although I might become one after publishing this book)
thus it is possible that I might not have been able to express
my feelings properly. So I want you to forgive me for any
mistake I have made in handling my feelings and for
publishing my feelings, I was helpless and no other way to
express my feelings with you.
I want to thank you for these experiences, feelings, positive
energy of love that have transformed my life completely
and acting as my motivation. If you have no feelings for me
then that’s fine, it’s not a problem. I can understand if one
person like other that doesn’t mean reverse would happen
(if you don’t like me); sometimes we do have some
constraints and we are not able to do what we want (if there
is some constraint at your end); might be I was not able to
approach you with guts (sorry baby! You can’t expect
much from a guy with nature and character like mine); etc.
So if the condition is something like that then I can only
wish that things should turn according to your wish and you
be happy.
After reading this book, what are you thinking?
By chance, after reading this book if you are in confusion
(thinking) whether to say YES to me or not then let me help
you out (if you are not thinking like that then you could
skip this paragraph). If you feel for me as I feel for you
then yes you can say YES to me. Else do not say YES to
me because of thinking that Vinod has true love for me and
has written couple of books for me.
Baby! In the end, I would like to say
that…………………….. I Love You… Whatever I have
written above, just forget about all this. If you also love me

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then we could face anything in life with the ‘energy of
love’. I have written all this to just keep moving without
you and condole my burning heart…

I Love You, Baby!

Be Happy!

Yours only
Vinod

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 PS: Conclusions

Some stories are meant to remain incomplete because the message that they want to teach, can be
taught by their being incomplete.

Yes, now it's over. After a long journey of seven years, now it feels like living in some illusion.
She has got married, obviously to someone else. So I thought of, at least completing the story.

Truly speaking, I see God in Her. She was the angle of God
who has come to transform my life towards positivity, to a new direction,....
She did her job, without even talking, and just left and that's it.

I hope you enjoyed and got some glimpses of true love from my incomplete, one sided and painful love story...

Thanks
Vinod

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While doing his masters from HPU Shimla, author
fell in Love with one special girl. The basis of this
Love was only feelings and that’s why it was a
True Love of author for that special girl.
Unfortunately it was one sided Love. Author
continuously felt the pain of one sided love story
and its different aspects. Being unable to express
his situation to his friends and to that special girl,
he started writing his feelings and thoughts as
poems and writings in his diary. This turned a
simple person into a poet, a writer and something
more than that.

In this book author has expressed his love story

through his experiences with True Love. This is a
non-fiction book, especially for those who felt True
Love for someone special.

To know more about author, visit his website:

https://sites.google.com/site/jmdvinodjmd/
Or mail him:
[email protected]
Cove page by:
Shivani Joshi
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