A Story of How

Hope and Help Are Closer

Than You Think

BY PAUL WITTWER
with Bryan Norman
Copyright © 2010 by 1 Degree, Inc.

All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a

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115 Penn Warren Drive, Suite 300-386
Brentwood, Tennessee 37027
United States of America

Names, dates, places, and other identifying details have been changed when
appropriate to protect the identities of those mentioned.

The message, tactics, surgeries, and any other means to improve health and
wellness were made in consultation with medical professionals. They are not a
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One Degree and One Degree logo are registered trademarks of 1 Degree, Inc.
 I would like to dedicate One Degree to the following, for they
have all played a crucial role in my life.
To Ann Bellucci, for saving me from me.
To Dorney Thompson, for teaching me personal grace.
To Dr. Dennis Jenkins, DDS and the team at Designing Smiles
in Sellersburg, Indiana, for my beautiful, restored smile and
for friendship and personal support since 2000.
To Dave Carney, for his friendship and taking a business risk on me.
To Colonel Harland Sanders, for providing a
road map for lifetime inspiration.
To Rhonda Lamothe, for becoming my guardian
angel in some of my darkest hours.
To Dan Merrell, for lifting me up when I had doubts.
To Nigel Flack in London, England, for giving me the Internet
domain 1degree.org even though we have never met or talked
to one another. Thank you for believing in this mission.
To Walmart Greeters, for extending friendship
and community across America
To Waffle House employees, for helping me share the love
To all of the doctors, nurses, and medical technicians,
for keeping me alive.
To my psychiatrist, for helping me manage my challenges
To Mom and Dad, for nurturing my grit to survive, creative talents
to thrive, and passion to serve others. No matter how challenging
the circumstances, they always delivered sunshine to Billy and me.
To all of you, thanks for being my one degree
of hope and help and more . . .
 Table of Contents

Preface xi
1. The Heirloom My Father Left Me 1
Paul nearly comes to the end of his life; A history of
pain creates an opportunity for triumph; The past
becomes a beautiful path toward a better future.

2. Saved by Ann and Wallpaper 25

One woman makes an eternal difference and takes
a one-degree risk on a friend; Paul discovers he’s
technically a genius and gets a fresh injection of
confidence and success; He tackles his mental ill-
nesses and wins, tackles his finances and loses.

3. An Old World Made New 49

Paul heads out on the road and discovers his secret
recipe; He sells some fish to avoid bankruptcy and
becomes homeless; He discovers the purpose and joy
of giving.

4. An Old Self Made New 69

Walmart parking lots become a home for the
homeless; Al Roker becomes an inspiration; Paul gets
 CONTENTS

physically fit; Lisa from San Diego lends a hand;

Paul heads to the Sunshine State.

5. Fear Is Enemy Number One 91

Paul encounters the devastation of hurricanes while
on his way to becoming a millionaire; He sees the
infinite value of giving back, the power of a
devaluating home market, and shares the love with
a guy in need named Tony and a mail carrier
named Maria.

6. The Purpose of One Man’s Life 116

Two little girls change the course of Paul’s life
forever; He experiences the power of inspiring others
with stories of overcoming; The biggest idea of his
life enters the story, and he meets Rupert Murdoch’s
personal pilot.

7. Surrender to Purpose 148

Paul surrenders all and starts a “Possibilities
Group”; He meets and helps Sam and starts
building his program; He discovers a for-profit-for-
benefit model and decides to move to Nashville, the
epicenter of hope; The power of one degree opens
doors of possibilities too.

8. There Will Always Be Resistance 178

Paul’s business pipeline dries up as the world
economy goes bad; He is injured in an auto accident,

viii
 CONTENTS

his realty threatens financial ruin, and he finally

gets the “Family Badge”; He never stops fighting for
his program.

9. Finding Your One Degree 205

Paul’s net worth is liquidated but his hope continues
to grow; New, significant doors open with Oprah,
he finally gets disability insurance income, and he
reflects on the founder of KFC, the purpose of his
life, and the future of hope and help he wants to
create for countless many.

Afterword 224
About the Authors 226

ix
 Preface

H i, my name is Paul.”
Those five words have literally saved my life time and time
again. And I believe they can save yours.
A friend of mine once told me, “Paul, I’ve never heard a story
like yours. You’ve lived a remarkable life. It’s truly one of the
most gripping tales I’ve ever come across. You should share it.”
I responded to him that indeed I have shared it with hun-
dreds of people over the past few years, and that each time I
did, something happened. Something unexpected.
Connection.
Those on the other end of my tale always listened with
casual interest until they heard something that touched them
deeply, intimately, personally. Without fail, they emotionally
bonded with one or more of my triumphs or tragedies. I could
see in their faces and hear in their tone of voice that memories
had been triggered and emotions stirred.
And before I knew it, they were telling me their stories,
pouring out details of their own existence, many unheard by
anyone until they met me. We would cry, laugh, and share a
hug. And we would leave the conversation changed people.

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 ONE DEGREE

Changed because our lives had been impacted in a spiritual

sense that goes way beyond human touch, raw emotion, or
common experience.
My life had not always been like this. In truth, mine was so
far gone, so close to its uncelebrated end, yet I was pulled back
into the beauty of living by the love and risk of one person at a
time. After one encounter on the day I planned to commit sui-
cide, I began to embrace and form in my mind the concept of
one degree. It changed my life forever. It goes something like this.

“You Are Not Alone”

The planet may be big, the population may be overwhelming,

and hope may be fleeting, but you are not alone. There is a single
person within your sphere of influence today that can impact
your life in a powerful way if you will risk connecting with them.
When we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit we
all have issues. We all have baggage, and we’ve all been burned
and lost our faith in humankind at one time or another. But I
believe that hope and help are nearby, and they have taken the
shape of a person. They are walking beside me, standing right
behind or in front of me, sitting close by.
Their lives connect to mine in a miraculous, mysterious
way that can only be described as divine orchestration.

“There Is Hope”

I don’t believe in chance, or luck, or even karma.

I believe in people. And destiny.

xii
 P R E FAC E

When I contemplated suicide, someone made me feel

loved, like life was worth living.
When I was broke and homeless, someone took a chance
on me, believing I could be successful.
When I thought I was stupid, someone told me I was smart,
and I had a future.
When I was in the hospital with life-threatening challenges,
someone cared, and I got better.
When my challenges became more than I could face alone,
someone listened, cared, and called me “friend.”
Someone has always been there for me. And they will be
there for you.
You may not know them. Yet.

“I Can Help”

I would be a liar if I didn’t tell you that there have been those
in my life who have hurt me deeply. I am not immune to pain,
disillusionment, or despair. I am still in therapy. I still need help.
I work hard every day to control my weight, my diet, my atti-
tude, and my influence. It grinds me down at times and wears
me out. But one thing keeps me going. It’s simply this.
Somewhere out there is a person who needs my help or who can
help me.
Whatever the need is, no matter how desperate or seemingly
impossible, a meeting can take place that will make all the dif-
ference. I must do all in my power to not miss that opportunity.
So must you.

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 ONE DEGREE

I am not naive. Yes, there are those among us who do not

seek our good, who are not to be trusted. But I don’t let dam-
aged people erode my faith in the power of one degree.
In fact, they give me a greater sense of purpose and reali-
zation of just how urgent my mission is. I am just one degree
away from giving and receiving hope and help, maybe even to
them. And nothing on this earth is going to stand in the way
of that happening.
The beautiful purpose of one degree is the most powerful
truth I’ve gleaned from my time on this planet. It reminds me
that we are all here for each other. We have the power and
courage to change ourselves and others through connecting to
one another.
Hope + Help + Courage = Change. That’s the one degree for-
mula. I’m living proof that it’s true.
It seems impossible, but the story you are about to read is
true. All this stuff happened. (I’ve changed some names to pro-
tect their identities, but other than that, this is a true tale stranger
than fiction.)
My story is ongoing, of course, making the conclusion of
this book problematic at best. I’m not done, and life is not done
with me. I’d like to believe that this story actually ends with
you and what you decide to do about one degree.
Will you join me in changing the world one connection
at a time?

xiv
 1

The Heirloom My
Father Left Me

A ugust 21, 2001. I arose with a singular thought: it is time

I got reacquainted with the heirloom my father left me, a single-
barrel Remington shotgun he treasured and used so comfort-
ably it was like an arm he couldn’t surgically attach.
To hold that gun is to be instantly transported to child-
hood memories of Dad’s proud return from the rabbit hunt,
bobbing with a slow walk and a simple man’s prides. Holding
that cold steel, I reminisced about the dove hunts when Dad
would take me out. The wordless walks through the woods and
fields, the slow and sustained excitement of doing something
grown men do, of learning it. To Dad, a gun was not a thing of
sport. It was a tool that provided life for our family, countless
meals offered up by a man’s drive to feed his own.
Dad had grown up in a family with six children on a farm
six miles from my childhood home. Fewer people today can
understand how satisfying it is to have a universe six miles
square. You really get to know the land, get rooted in the
people and rhythms of the seasons. I guess you could say
Dad had become the overseer of that six miles, that he had a

1
 ONE DEGREE

particular interest in its upkeep and productivity. Whatever

would happen in those six miles became his family’s circum-
stances. And to any good man, that is no small thing.
In August 1949 Dad was killing, scalding, and plucking
chickens for my mom and her kitchen. Once you sever a
chicken’s head, you submerge its body in scalding water to
loosen the feathers. They’re easier to pluck that way.
Though I wasn’t even born yet, something happened that
August day that I would hear told and retold throughout my life.
Dad had taken his rusty hatchet to a small clique of chickens.
And as usual, he carried them to the scalding water, gave them
a dunk or two, and walked off a pace to start cleaning them. My
brother, four years old, was standing by the enormous kettle. It
was boiling over an open fire like a wicked brew of malice that
wafted over my family. For reasons unknown, Billy fell in.
His knees were dangling across one side of the rim and his
arms across the other, the same way you take a lazy float in an
inner tube. His screams said more than words, and with his
back turned, my father spun around and came running, pulling
him from the kettle. Dad set Billy down gingerly on the bacte-
ria-filled dust and yelled for Mom to call the fire department
and police.
For the life of me, I’ve tried to put myself in Dad’s wait-
ing, scanning our country road for any sign of stirred dust,
flickering lights, sound, anything. All the while, a young boy,
a son, moans and writhes, wriggling his way through an irre-
versible moment.
The police arrived as Mom and Dad loaded Billy into the

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 T H E H E I R L O O M M Y F AT H E R L E F T M E

backseat of the family car. Mom was holding him under the
armpits while Dad cut off his clothes. As they sped to the hos-
pital, Billy spoke sheepishly.
“Mommy, where are we going?”
“To the hospital.”
“But Mommy, I can’t go. I am dirty.”
Apparently, what works on the chicken feathers works on
humans too. Billy’s dead, scalded skin was falling from his body,
draping from his joints, diving off muscle and bone. He was
not expected to live. Second- and third-degree burns covered
85 percent of his four-year-old body. Those sorts of num-
bers don’t yield a happy ending.
The curse of that cauldron—or whatever forced Billy in—
didn’t get the job done. His life was spared, and he eventually
recovered. He always carried his scars, though, reminders of his
time close to death. What would follow in the years ahead
would make you think there were more devilish schemes at play,
prolonged pains, lives so close to joy but not quite grasping it—
loneliness, dissent, distrust, and discord. From the day Billy fell
into the kettle, my family tree became driftwood, knotty and
worn, dislodged and wandering to nowhere.
This is the story I came into, a story of driftwood and
pain. When I arrived in this world, my stage was set for the
same quiet epic we all live. A story to see if we beat the odds
and undo the curse. A story to prove that we have the mettle
to fight back the evil that wishes to overrun our world, start-
ing with us.
‫ﱱ‬

3
 ONE DEGREE

Those first three years on Beechdale had all the makings

of a brilliant childhood. Fields for roaming and devising all
manner of imaginary wars, hide-and-seek, family dinners with
endless piles of watermelon, farm animals. Any boy would be
lucky to have as much opportunity for mischief and revelry as
I did.
But the black fog amassing over my family would eventu-
ally cover it all. During my growing-up years, into adolescence,
and even into adulthood, my family driftwood bobbed along
on a path of hardship.
My dad’s Remington would be waiting for me years from
then. But before the heirloom would be necessary, I had some
life to experience, some illnesses to form, some weight to gain.
These hardships frame where I’ve been and what I’m still fight-
ing to this day. Perhaps they are universal, my battles. It wouldn’t
surprise me if they are.

Not the Same Anymore

When you’re a kid, you don’t think about the family ledger or
what it takes to build a decent life. You think Christmas pre-
sents are made in Santa’s workshop. The supermarket is one
big food fight, the produce man chucking big, beautiful apples
into your roller basket, the butcher, steak. Cars’ gas tanks are
magically refilled.
So, when we moved in April 1955 from my child-
hood1930s frame and clapboard farm home on Beechdale,
I thought it was a vacation, that we’d be going back. No, we

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 T H E H E I R L O O M M Y F AT H E R L E F T M E

had moved to a new, 940-square-foot brick ranch home with

two bedrooms, one bath, kitchen, living room, and unfin-
ished basement. I learned later in life that Dad had taken on
a $3,150 mortgage that stretched the family budget. A child
of the Great Depression, he was a blue-collar worker whose
work ethic—more than his paycheck—was his dignity. He
scraped enough together to buy a used truck with $300 cash
because a man needs a truck. It was a 1951 Ford pickup,
which has significance that you’ll learn about later. But from
then on, paychecks in our house had a short jaunt from
hand to mouth for several years. Dad was a hard worker,
though, truly a hard worker, and he didn’t shirk or sulk.
Instead, to balance his incessant worrying about money, he
worked harder and longer.
Though he did achieve debt freedom in the future, the
move from Beechdale to Kavanaugh Road changed my life. The
atmosphere of joy was instantly replaced by anxiety. And when
you add an extra mile to a young boy’s romp, the distance feels
oceanic. I no longer found myself on family doorsteps at dusk
asking if the cousins could come out and play. Just a mile away,
I found myself in a foreign land with new sounds, new smells,
no familiar faces, and a strange buzz in the wind.
Billy seemed fine, oddly. But I, without the hug of the
familiar, started to go inside myself more, to withdraw. I took
long, pointless walks in the pastures busting dirt clods.
By the time I entered first grade, I wasn’t too fond of other
children or myself. I had gained a lot of weight after the move,
enough to give me strangely large breasts, which never bodes

5
 ONE DEGREE

well for a man at any stage of life. And with a first name like
Leslie, everyone made quick work of mincing me. I’d like to
think it was just my imagination, or even my low self-esteem.
But a taunt is a taunt. And breasts are breasts.

The Prophecy of a Future

Elementary school was rotten. That’s all I can say. By the time
I made it to high school, I had never had a girlfriend. I struggled
in all my classes. I was a loser. At least, by the world’s standards
I was. One of the first things you did upon entering my high
school was participate in a battery of written and manual dex-
terity tests. I guess it was a chance for the school system to see
how much they undercut your potential.
After the tests were graded several days later, four students
at a time were called into the office of the guidance counselor.
If many of my damaging experiences would be a cluster of
bruises spread out over time, the day I stepped into the coun-
selor’s office would be a swift jab straight to the jaw. Followed
by an uppercut. And possibly a kick in the groin. I was in the
room with one boy and two girls. The counselor looked at the
boy and said he could be a doctor, lawyer, or anything he
wanted to be. His father was one of only two doctors in our
town.
She then turned to me, her countenance shifting from a
smile to a restrained grimace. She shuffled papers, buying time
to craft her words. She looked me dead in the eye and said,
“You could be an asparagus sorter or work in a Tinker Toy fac-

6
 T H E H E I R L O O M M Y F AT H E R L E F T M E

tory.” In my memory, the counselor said this with a devilish,

delighted look in her eye, my own personal witch with a poi-
soned apple.
I was stunned, confused, embarrassed.
I thought for a moment, resisting the feeling that a
prophecy had just been spoken into my life, and asked, “Why
would I want a job like that?” It was the best defense I could
manage on the fly.
“Because it is something you can do,” she replied. I could
barely get out of my chair. I was crushed and humiliated. Even
worse, I rolled over like a dog used to beatings and instantly
believed she was right. Whatever hairlike strand of dignity I
had in my life disappeared without so much as a eulogy, like
a spiderweb put to fire. I looked at her words in my out-
stretched palm and put it over my heart, a badge of my iden-
tity stitched on tight, a pledge of allegiance to my mediocrity.
That night, my Mom had prepared creamed wild aspara-
gus on thinly sliced toast, a seasonal delicacy in our house. I
avoided the kitchen.

Reverse Polarity

I struggled through high school. To deal with my low self

esteem and self-loathing, I became the class clown—an excuse
for poor grades. I had few real friends and stayed constantly
busy with jobs outside of class never having a girlfriend or
attending a prom. The guidance counselor’s words were my
shadow. And if a stranger’s words can do that, the words a father

7
 ONE DEGREE

speaks to a son are sticky like molasses. They hit the ears and
crawl down all over. So when my father said on our way to col-
lege enrollment, “Son, what you do in the next four years will
determine the level you live on the rest of your life,” I was jolted.
I wanted to lean into my destiny to do Dad proud.
He said this on the way to the University of Kentucky,
which, it turned out, did not have an Asparagus Sorter major
with a minor in Tinker Toy development. I willed myself to
trade that prophecy for the dreams my parents had for me,
for their strong belief that I had a fire waiting inside me to
burn. My Dad’s words—a father’s words—had just lit the
fuse.
Like any kid heading out into the world, my parents gave
me all sorts of guidance from their point of view. Vivid dreams
of a lawyer-son litigating big cases in the county seat were
pitched by my father like a man trying to convert a nonbeliever.
My mother urged me to become a minister so that I could do
the converting myself. But I was lost and wounded. Years of
listlessness, no confidence, and damning declarations had
become entrenched. My Achilles heel had been fully severed
one small swipe at a time.
College was the same song as high school, second verse.
My inability to develop relationships, my weight, and my stu-
pidity emanated a reverse polarity to all the kids who were
eager to be drawn in, who needed new friends to weather the
drastic change into independence. After my freshman year, it
was obvious that I wasn’t pulling out of my nosedive despite
whose words I wanted to believe, so I moved off campus. And

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 T H E H E I R L O O M M Y F AT H E R L E F T M E

I stayed ultra busy. I always had a job, a built-in excuse to

avoid people and a means to outfit myself with the all the
accoutrements of hiding.
Finally, in my senior year, I picked my major. I was well on
my way to receiving a Bachelor of General Studies Degree,
which translates into “I couldn’t afford to not make up my mind
anymore.” Though this degree would allow me to graduate with
my friends, it was a worthless title for a worthless brain. The
worthless brain graduated May 11, 1974.

The Winding Path to Somewhere

My postgraduation foray into the working world was as ran-

dom as a pinball game. I started a commercial and industrial
electronics systems company with three partners, all of whom
had families and homes. With little capital and revenue, I lived
in the back of the shop for nearly two years, sleeping on a mat-
tress placed on the floor. I ate food prepared on a two-burner
hot plate and showered in a portable Sears shower catching the
run-off in a galvanized wash tub. When there was enough cash
to make payroll, I was the last to be paid. One by one the part-
ners with families left for real jobs and predictable income. The
business closed in the spring of 1977, and as the last man stand-
ing, I was saddled with debts from it and another start-up
business I entered into before graduating.
My businesses, though they didn’t succeed, taught me a lot
about equipment and system sales to financial institutions.
With that knowledge, I moved to Evansville, Indiana, where I

9
 ONE DEGREE

established another business as an independent manufacturer’s

representative. I sold a variety of equipment and systems to
banks and savings and loans, including security systems, modu-
lar bank buildings, and even outdoor plastic and neon signs.
I was very successful and by age twenty-seven had a six figure
income. Unfortunately, my turbulent life was very unsettled,
but I did gain a real sense of tenacity, of seeing a path to suc-
cess. I just couldn’t walk that path . . . yet.
I threw away my rep business in 1981 to move from
Evansville to Houston, Texas, where I was appointed branch
manager of an outdoor plastic and neon sign company based
out of Corpus Christi. The company was undergoing a finan-
cial turnaround and reorganization after being purchased by
two wealthy Texans who had no prior experience in the indus-
try. I quickly set up a lean, mean selling machine in Houston,
delivering proposals to prospective clients in two days while
competitors took two weeks. The closing rate went from under
20 percent to over 90 percent. In less than six months, a failing
branch had quintupled in sales.
Early into my new tenure as the head honcho of my
branch, the sign company owners called to inform me that,
as a new manager in their ranks, I was to undergo some psy-
chological testing. “It’s standard,” they explained, “for every
manager in the company.” My heart hit the floor. I was cer-
tain any trained professional would be able to break through
my cover like a bull charging a gauze barricade. They’re going
to find out I’m stupid, screwed up. And then they’re going to
fire me.

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 T H E H E I R L O O M M Y F AT H E R L E F T M E

When Your Brain Feels Small

The psychological testing was tense and difficult. I expected the

following week when the psychologist would walk me through
the results to be my release date from the company. I tried every-
thing I could to keep my mind off of my inevitable failure.
When the week passed, the psychologist walked through
the door all warmth and professionalism. I knew it was his
poker face. I could tell he’d practiced this sort of “let ’em down
easy” approach before. To be honest, I was really quite appre-
ciative. If I was going to be fired, at least let me keep my dig-
nity. I started to ease up a little knowing this might be my most
pleasant failure to date.
“How do you think you performed on the tests?” he asked.
I paused, trying to figure out how much to say. I mean, I
didn’t want to let go of the shred of hope that, perhaps, he had
missed all my lesser qualities. So I started out easy, only slightly
self-deprecating.
“Well, historically I haven’t had the best math skills,” I
paused tentatively with a slight upward glance to see his reac-
tion. Still the warmth and professionalism. Okay, I thought,
good sign. “And I don’t have the strongest reading skills. I’ve
always had trouble focusing.”
And thus the conversation continued with me making an
airtight case for my stupidity.
When I had finished, Mr. Psychologist looked at me and
said, “Paul who did this to you?”
“Umm, what do you mean?” I asked.

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 ONE DEGREE

“Somewhere along the way,” he began, “someone con-

vinced you that you don’t have any abilities. Do you have any
idea how this has happened?”
I knew instantly. I could see my high school guidance coun-
selor’s face swirling in front of me, ghostly. I could hear her
words, wispy, floating before me like a mumblings from a crys-
tal ball.
“Paul?” I heard faintly while I swam in my own little world.
Then again, this time a little more force. “Paul?”
I came to, still sitting in front of the psychologist. I’m cer-
tain the pain on my face was unmistakable. I couldn’t speak
another word. The psychologist hadn’t blown my cover or rein-
forced the damaging lies of my youth. No, he did something
much more painful. He went to the canker of my history and
simply placed his finger on it. The past can be a white-hot
pain.
I put my head on the table in front of him, ashamed.
“Paul, look at me,” he said. My head was lead. “Paul, please
look at me.”
I slowly locked eyes with this man who had transported me
to the cellar of my life’s despair.
“I don’t know what has happened to you in your past. But
I have some good news for you.”
I perked.
“Your test scores are telling a different story. You have
placed within the top 2 percent of all Americans. I would esti-
mate your IQ at 152 or more.”
The psychologist was beaming. Now I know why he was

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all warmth that day. He thought he would give me a good ego

boost and have something strong to report to the company
owners. Instead, he sent me a life raft.
All that night following, I floated through the possibility
that I wasn’t a destined loser. I lamented what could’ve been
with my relationships, my weight, my performance in college
had I only known that I wasn’t born to build Tinker Toys. Was
there a life being lived in a parallel universe by the Paul with
a 152 IQ?
People often become what they’re told. They live in the
small-town lies, impossible black holes where no light can
escape. I wanted to go find my guidance counselor and wave
my newfound intelligence in her face. Truthfully, I wanted to
punish her for the days and nights of self-doubt and years of
wandering. I wished she were dead so I could spit on her
gravestone.

Gold Rush

The sign company eventually went under due to some inter-

nal improprieties. Some ringer accountant given an executive
position turned out to be an embezzler and wasn’t too
forthright in his reporting standards, and the government shut
our doors. I drove to my office one day and was greeted by
an industrial-grade padlock. It was one of the first sustained
successes I had ever experienced, and it was instantly yanked
away from me. I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.
I returned to Kentucky to be close to my family and regroup.

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 ONE DEGREE

The day I arrived I could see my five-year-old silhouette in the

pasture skipping stones across the dust and talking to the wind.
I paused before I entered the house and resolved that the Paul
who walked through the door would not be the same Paul who
walked out years ago. I resolved to deny the hometown voices
that wait for you on the stoop ready to drag you into the past.
Rather than haphazardly fall into the next thing, I hired an
industrial psychologist to help me find a new career track. Since
my testing with the sign company, I felt like the scarecrow after
seeing the wizard. I finally had a brain. The new doctor ran
some tests, matched my skills with different professions, and
helped me find some options. When I met with him to talk
about my waiting life, he had two options that matched my
skills and abilities.
“The first option,” he said, “is remote viewing for the mili-
tary.” He looked up beaming and proud of such a rare recom-
mendation. There was even a tinge of jealousy, I think.
“Um . . .” I paused, “what is remote viewing for the
military?”
“They take people like you and put you in a room, describe
a conflict or battle scene somewhere in the world,” he said excit-
edly, “and ask you to foretell how it will play out.” I looked at
him like he was nuts.
“Option number two?” I asked quickly. The doctor paused
and seemed a bit deflated.
“Really?”
“Yes, option number two. Please.”
“You should also consider working in a think tank.” I

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looked at him, puzzled, and asked him to explain. Obviously,

my 152 IQ hadn’t quite sunk in to a real intelligence. I still had
much to learn about how the world could benefit from my just-
budding talents.
“They take people like you,” he began, “put you in a room,
and introduce you to different products, services, and business
models. You sit there and figure out all of the potential and nec-
essary changes.” This guy sure seemed fond of putting me in an
isolated room somewhere, somehow. Maybe he thought I was
a tad crazy, and this was his way of putting me in a more casual
straightjacket.
The options on the table left something to be desired. In
addition to getting an outside opinion, I had been doing my
own research. I told the psychologist I knew what I wanted to do.
“Investing,” I said, looking him square in the eye.
“Investing?” trickled out of him.
“Yeah, investing. I think I could be a great stockbroker, and
I’ve always wanted to learn about the stock market.”
“Paul, I’ve got to be honest, I don’t think investing is the
right route for you.”
On and on I listened to his laundry list of weak persua-
sions. They weren’t actually weak, but I had already made up
my mind. The moment I saw a profession purely about
wealth, my soul sat up straight. Yeah, let’s take that one, it
would cheer. I didn’t even consider that my motivations could
be less than noble. I acquiesced to my blind desire without
so much as a blink.
I soon became employed by an investment firm in January

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1983, took whatever tests made me legal, and I waded through

my new, complicated world. The industrial psychologist was
right, the retail brokerage environment was all wrong for me. I
was a very aggressive marketer, sending out thousands of mail-
ings to attract prospective clients. I hired a team of seminary
students to make follow-up calls at night. I even produced and
appeared in my own television commercials for my seminars
(the scripts had to be approved by the Securities and Exchange
Commission)—one of the first brokers in the United States to
do so. While I quickly became a top producer, I reinvested all
of my earnings back into the business. I also made risky invest-
ments with my own money that the firm identified, but I
ended up losing tens of thousands of dollars. Through all that
very soon I learned that what appealed to me most was finding
a business looking to expand through buying other companies.
Mergers and acquisitions (M&A), it’s called.
I quickly left the traditional brokerage route and decided to
start my own M&A firm September 14, 1984. Mind you, I
had little, knew little. But I believed in myself. I found my first
mergers and acquisitions client who wanted to buy a particular
business in an industry in which he had experience. I wouldn’t
describe this guy as a sure bet. During one of our early meetings,
he looked at his empty balance sheets, my empty experience,
and he asked how I expected to survive in this new career and
business. I paused, made disturbingly long eye contact and said,
“Innate ability.” It was the first time in my life I believed I was
capable. The curse of my childhood was coming undone.
My personal start-up investment was $114 and some bor-

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rowed office furniture. I closed my first deal eight months later

and nearly starved to death in the process!

The Heart Beating

If my brain and my self-esteem were growing in leaps and

bounds, my physical heart failed to take their cues. I don’t
know why some people are born under a blessed star, and oth-
ers wriggle from underneath a cursed rock. Me and my ances-
try, we’re the latter, a breed full of genetic diseases with a
penchant for emotional imbalances, the kind that need
medicine. The most notable is the family heart. It’s a weak
thing that untangles and spurts, a factory defect that made it
past the inspectors. That organ multiplied in my parents and
brother would bring great heartache, something that I’ve always
referred to in my own mind as the “family badge,” a heart
bypass surgery scar that would eventually find its way to my
dad’s, mom’s, and brother’s chests. The look of that scar tissue,
all shiny, leathery, and embossed, would bring so much dread
throughout my life.

Billy
Now, if you recall, our story began with Billy dangling over
a boiling cauldron. Billy was the classic older brother: confident,
bullheaded, captain of our imaginary spaceship, chooser of
his seat at the kitchen table, headlock giver, toy breaker. Like all
little brothers would, I adored him.
Billy was a gifted student. Annoyingly gifted, really, because

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he could do anything he put his mind to. And I don’t mean

that in the way parents pump us up, the future presidents and
astronauts of the world. Billy breezed through high school and
graduated with honors. He did the same in college earning a
chemical engineering degree. He could enter any profession
where the phrase “it’s not rocket science” wouldn’t apply. After
college he received his draft notice and elected to join the Navy,
flying through Officer Candidate School to become a lieu-
tenant junior grade on a nuclear submarine.
Growing up and living in his shadow, I marveled that he
could do so much, be so much. After his service in the Navy,
Billy returned to the University of Kentucky to become a den-
tist. With no prerequisite courses and a chemical engineering
degree, he caught up quickly and became one of the oldest stu-
dents ever accepted at that time. After graduation, he settled in
a small town with his family and built a great dental practice.
It seemed that his driftwood planted and slowly shot out roots
of stability and security.
In the coming years, though, the family’s genetic predis-
positions would catch up with Billy. He would get divorced.
Mental illnesses slipped quietly into his bedsheets, bedfellows
whispering incantations and turning dreams into nightmares.
At age thirty-nine, Billy was admitted to a psychiatric ward in
1984 for a week and began a steady diet of lithium to manage
his bipolar disorder. He had heart surgery two years later. His
mental illness and open-heart surgery were traumatic events
that changed the course of his life. At age fifty-two he had a
second heart bypass surgery. Because he was divorced at the

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time of the second surgery, I was the closest relative who could
care for him afterward out of the hospital. The doctors had to
withhold his mental health medicines to perform the opera-
tion. Without them, within two days of the surgery, he com-
pletely unraveled. My childhood hero had become absolutely
loony. It was too much to handle—as close to a living hell as
I can remember—but I tried because that’s what family does.
At three in the morning on the third day of recovery at my
home, he declared that he wanted to be taken home immedi-
ately, sixty miles away in the middle of a raging thunderstorm.
I loaded this bandaged mess gingerly into the passenger seat
and drove through bolts of lightning with the windshield wipers
frantically clearing our path. I deposited my unraveled brother
at his house. On the drive back, both relieved and unbelievably
sad for the empty passenger seat and all it meant, I blasted God
for all of the ugly, poor health bestowed upon my family.

Mom
In 1963 my mother turned forty. She had torrents of emo-
tions, Niagara-sized plummets of screaming and weeping and
sweating. It was never diagnosed, but the closest thing my Dad
could reference to explain it to me was that she had menopause.
To a youngster, she was bedeviled, maniacal, tyrannical—not
the Mom I knew. It was the only time in my life I stayed out of
the kitchen when I was told.
Her tirades were on-again-off-again for two years. And
then, one day, like a new next-door neighbor, a symptom
appeared. My mother’s gums started bleeding. It was quickly

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determined that she had Type 1 diabetes. I loved my mother,

truly and deeply. Which is why it’s so alien to see your greatest
source of love and encouragement transform before your very
eyes. Imagine a woman with a rolling pin, teeth pink, house
shoes, and a wild look in her eyes that said, “Come near me and
you shall know my wrath.” My mother was a kind-hearted,
heartwarming, hospitable, loving woman. But she was over-
taken by the war swimming inside her.
In the coming years, Mom’s troubles would come in and
out of our lives like a deep space comet. From a heart attack at
forty-four, to a heart bypass at fifty-two, to living nearly two
decades with 21 percent heart capacity and Type I diabetes,
to falling down the stairs and waking with seven broken ribs,
to gall bladder surgery, to two years in a neck brace after a car
accident . . . Mom, it seemed, was born with a sordid lottery.
The only thing she could win was more trouble.
Still, it is one of my great prides that no matter how far she
was knocked down, she always got up and did her best to
make a good life in the midst of her troubles. For instance,
when she was diagnosed with diabetes she lost fifty pounds and
kept it off until the day she died. Her perseverance and unwill-
ingness to lie down in her troubles have always been a source
of hope and inspiration for me, as I’ve dealt with many of
the things I witnessed growing up.

Dad
To a boy a basement is a glorious thing, a playground
leagues below the earth full of ancient trinkets, bothersome

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cobwebs, and secrets to be discovered. Which is why it’s a

strange thing to hear your mother yelling for you. And not the
“supper’s ready” yell, but the frantic one, the one that injects
ice into your veins. When I heard her yell, I rushed for the
stairs, my mind racing. I’m in trouble, I thought. Midstride it
came to me, Then why am I running so fast to get to my punish-
ment? But any kid knows, you don’t defy your mother, espe-
cially one who just yelled liked that.
I hit the top of the basement stairs and hooked the door
frame with my hand to swing my charging momentum. I
scuffed linoleum. I leapt over chairs left out from the table. And
when I hit the living room, there it was. There he was. My Dad,
back against the floor, arms and legs spread out, a skydiver who
didn’t pull the chute in time.
Dad was forty-seven, and he just had a heart attack. It was
a snowy day.
My mother was a hot mess. She was darting everywhere
trying to keep Dad comfortable until the ambulance arrived.
She was at his side, talking to him sweetly, encouraging him.
And her eyes ventured toward the kitchen in the direction
where I was standing, and we locked eyes momentarily. Her
face turned to pure sympathy, and I didn’t understand why. I
didn’t understand why she should feel sorry for me when it
was Dad who had just received a heart beating. Now I under-
stand it, that I was witnessing my own future, and my mother
knew it too.
The ambulance backed up across the front yard, every now
and then its wheels spinning in the ice sheet that had frozen

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underneath a layer of powdery snow. It was a cold, cold day in

my life that day December 2, 1967.
The ambulance tracks in the yard stayed put for a full three
months until spring brought its sunshine eraser. That was about
the same time my father came home from the hospital, when
the tracks disappeared. He would never be fully healthy again,
and my parents would never know a normal life again.
In 1977, Dad had his second heart attack and quickly
earned his third in 1980. That third heart attack, we were told,
was a grave situation. He had two choices: bypass surgery or
death. To most, that would be an easy choice.

The Tributaries Combine

My father, twisted in knots and terminally ill with congestive

heart failure, decided enough was enough. He was a simple
man who planned everything, and he thought dying on
Thursday would be best so he could be buried on a Sunday.
The last day I saw him alive he looked at me and said, “I have
enough money to do what I want, but I don’t have my health.
Go enjoy your life.”
He got up from his rocking chair and walked three steps to
the bed.
He looked back at me, “Son, there are a lot of things worse
than death. I love you.”
Dad died on August 13, 1987. While my mother was at
her longstanding hair appointment, Dad, barely able to walk,
got out the heirloom Remington and walked into the back-

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yard. With the barrel placed to his chest he bent over and
pulled the trigger. A neighbor two doors down heard the blast
and saw him fall, lifeless. He was sixty-seven.
Sixteen months later, Mom would sit down on the sofa in
the basement after waxing part of the floor by hand and
would never get up. She was sixty-five.

‫ﱱ‬

It is impossible to describe what loneliness feels like, or depres-

sion, because those things are defined by absence, even an
absence of words to define them. By the time I was thirty-six,
I had lost the only two people in my life who ever believed in
me, who ever loved me without condition. That and my
brother was a mere fraction of what he used to be. I was so very
alone, a deep space comet without an orbit.
August 7 of 2001, I was morbidly obese and diagnosed
with Type II diabetes by my endocrinologist, Dr. Wood. With
all the congenital heart diseases and emotional imbalances in
my family, it felt like a long fuse had been lit on my life. I could
see it trail out through the landscape until it disappeared over
the horizon. But I knew it was coming, my genetics, my fuse.

Seven Pounds of Dust

August 21, 2001, where our story began. I approach my closet

with reverence, reach to the rear, and find the stock of my
father’s Remington. It’s time to end it, I think. A childhood and
adolescence of confusion and pain can all be erased. A certain

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 ONE DEGREE

future of physical maladies can be avoided. It is time, I think,

to torch the driftwood.
The cold steel is unmistakable. Pulling the barrel forward
and looking straight into it, I think about the power of the
blast, how a split second of fire and heat will blaze a path right
through me, how it blew through my father. No more sorrow,
no more badges, no more cauldrons. No more loneliness, no
more failures. No strivings, confusion, uncertainty, asparagus.
I have the heirloom in my hand along with my father’s sui-
cide note that I’ve kept for years. It reads, “I can’t stand the pain
any longer. Please forgive me. I love you all very much.” There’s
one difference between you and me, Dad, I think. I don’t have to
ask forgiveness from anyone. There’s no one left.
The end will be sweet aspirin relief.
I mindlessly move my hand down the barrel and familiar-
ize myself with the trigger. There’s a strange feeling like my Dad
is there, like I conjured him and two sets of hands are holding
the gun. I feel strangely comforted, and his hand is over mine
guiding it. My soul bows its head, and I know it is time.
Did I turn off the stove? Yes. The hand is clutching the gun
like during the rabbit hunts.
The house is ready to be sold. The gun turns to face its holder.
The trigger finger slowly begins to pull.
The wallpaper! I didn’t fix the wallpaper!
The trigger clicks and like a tiny big bang, lead spreads
through a new universe where one man is gone. Where my dad
is gone. I sit there, sad that I will never see him again. I sit there
knowing I can’t go until I fix the wallpaper.

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 About the Authors

PAUL W ITTWER is the founder and owner of Hogtrails, LLC,

a mergers and acquisitions consulting company. He has been a
millionaire and bankrupt, morbidly obese and physically fit,
near the brink of death and full of life, and he’s found personal
healing and management for physical and emotional challenges
like diabetes, coronary disease, homelessness, Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorders. His life is
an extraordinary example of hope and possibility. He lives in
Nashville, TN.

B RYAN N ORMAN is an acquisitions editor for the Nashville-

based Christian publishing company, Thomas Nelson Publishers.
He joined the company in 2004 after receiving his MA in
English Literature and Language at the University of Colorado
(Boulder) where he graduated with honors. He has worked
with multiple best-selling authors, such as John Eldredge,
Donald Miller, Marcus Buckingham, John Maxwell, and
more. He lives in Nashville with his wife, Suzanne.

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