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Table of Contents
1. The Learning Begins
................................................ .. .. .
3 2. Understanding the Addictive Cycle
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. ..............
8 3. A Quick Look at the Human Brain
................... . . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .... ..................

10 4. Triggers of the Reptilian Brain
................... . . . . . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ................
12 5. The Emotional Brain
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ............ .. .. .
15 6. Getting
17 7. Creating
Your
Your
Brain
Sexual
Back
Recovery Plan
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......
20 8. The Best Thing You Can Do For Yourself Today
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......
22 9. How to use ERP Properly to Help You Change
.................. . . . ..................... .. .. .. .. .. ........ .. .. .

24 10. An Important Strategy to Help You Break Free
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. .. .. .. ..............
26 11. A-B-C-D-E Model
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... .. .. ......

28 12. Beliefs That Kept Me Trapped
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. ..............
30 13. Mini - ERP, or How to Handle Triggers
................... . . . . . . . . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ................
33 14. What Does a Trigger Tell Us?
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......
35 15. Very Important Exercise
.........................................
37 16. My Relapse, and What I Learned From It - Part1
.........................................
38
17. My Relapse, and What I Learned From It - Part 2
41
... ................................................. ... ....... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .... .. .. ....

18. What is Wrong with 12 Steps Groups, What is
Right with 12 Steps Groups
46 19. 12 Steps – 101
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ............ .. ..........

51 20. God's Will, or Awaken Your Stronger Self
................... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .......
55 21. A Tough
58 22. The Emptiness

but Important
Inside of Me, and How

Decision
to Fill It
........................................
U p
.......................................
61
23. Thank You for Your Time! Course Summary Inside
65
FREE RECOVERY
COURSE
1. The Learning Begins
In his book
The Drug of the New Millennium, the Brain Science Behind Internet
Pornography Use, Mark B. Kastleman
(founder of Candeo Can program)
provides a very detailed description of the
process that takes place inside a

pornography viewer's brain.
In order to understand these processes,
the author first examines how the brain
is designed to work in a healthy sexual
relationship. Then he compares it to
brain
activity during the pornography viewing
session.
He describes both processes as "going down
the funnel". The top of the funnel represents
our normal state of mind, where we are

completely present and aware of what is going
on around us. As we begin to engage in a

sexual activity, our attention span begins
to narrow down, until the sexual climax is
reached. After that, we begin to slowly
return to our normal, wider view of the
world.
The author also provides a detailed
description of internal chemicals that are

being released during this process. The
following excerpts from The Drug of the

New Millennium explain this process.
The Narrowing Process of the
Healthy Marriage
In a healthy marital relationship,
sexual intimacy creates powerful
physical,
emotional, and chemical changes:
A Narrowing Process: At the top
of the funnel, the married couple enjoys a

wide perspective of the world and
the people around them. Then, as they
become physically intimate, their
brains begin to narrow in focus. Climax is
the most narrowly and
powerfully focused singular event that

the brain can engage in. To make this
happen, the brain must narrowly focus its
attention and block out all distractions
(work, the children, paying bills, etc.) The
Release of Natural Chemicals: To aid this
narrowing process, the brain begins
releasing a flood of endogenous
(meaning produced from within)
chemicals. These natural chemicals
include the following: Dopamine:
Elevated levels of dopamine in the brain
produce extremely focused attention. This
chemical causes each spouse to focus
intensely on the other at the exclusion of
everything else around them. A release of
dopamine is associated with craving and
dependency in addiction, which may be
why it can help produce a healthy

attraction and dependency between the
spouses.
Norepinephrine: This chemical generates
exhilaration and increased energy by
giving the body a shot of natural
adrenaline. Norepinephrine has also been
linked to raising memory capacity.
Whatever stimulus is being experienced in
the presence of this chemical is "seared"
in the brain. This helps explain how a

couple in love can remember the smallest
details of their beloved’s features.
Testosterone: Testosterone is known as

the hormone of sexual desire in both men
and women. For men, however, it is the
key hormone of desire, triggering feelings
of positive energy and well-being.
Oxytocin: The flood of oxytocin at climax

acts as a natural tranquilizer, lowering
blood pressure, blunting sensitivity to
pain and stress, and inducing sleep.
Serotonin: This natural chemical is
released right after climax, bringing on a

deep feeling of calmness, satisfaction and
release from stress. Anti-depressant drugs
like Prozac are designed to increase levels
of serotonin. The Experience is More Than
Just Physical: As husband and wife move

down the funnel together, there is more
to the experience than just
chemicals released in the physical body...
the mind, heart and spirit are all joined
together...
A Climax of Many Things: The final

crescendo is a culmination of all the things
husband and wife have shared – doing
the dishes, paying the bills, raising the
children, all that make up a marriage.
A pornography viewer goes through a

similar process as couples in a marriage
but the involved chemicals produce a

completely different result.
The Narrowing Process of Internet Porn
When an individual enters the funnel
through pornography viewing, the
physical and chemical processes are

virtually identical to those in marital
sexual intimacy, but with some radical
differences...
A Narrowing Process: At the top

of the funnel, before beginning to view
pornography, the individual enjoys a

wide perspective of the world.
Pornography addicts describe the top
of the funnel as reality: their public self.
Just as in the marriage funnel, the porn

viewer begins blocking out distractions –
but he is blocking out much more. He is
alone. The object of his narrowing is
pornographic images. Details of daily life,
such as work and paying bills, slowly fall
into disarray as the person starts blocking
out all thoughts of God, his marriage,
family, morals, commitments, and
consequences…
The Release of Natural Chemicals: The
porn viewer's brain begins releasing
endogenous chemicals. The viewer feels

highly aroused – all of the stress,
pressures, anxieties and pain in life begin
fading away as his system is flooded with
endogenous drugs. The viewer is able to
self-medicate and escape the reality of
life.
Dopamine: Elevated levels of dopamine
in the brain produce extremely focused
attention. This causes the viewer to focus
intensely on the pornographic images at
the exclusion of everything else around
him.
Norepinephrine: This chemical induces
feelings of exhilaration and increased
energy by giving the body a shot
of natural adrenaline. Norepinephrine also

increases memory capacity. This explains
why porn addicts can recall viewed images
with vivid clarity years later. Testosterone:
Pornography triggers the release of
testosterone which in turn increases the
desire for more pornography.
Oxytocin: Oxytocyn acts as a natural
tranquilizer. The individual seeks an

Oxytocin rush to cope with the stress and
pressure of life.
Serotonin: The release of this natural
chemical evokes a deep feeling of
calmness. Individuals turn to porn to

self-medicate and escape the stress. The
Experience is More Than Just Sexual:
There is a lot more going on in the
Pornography Funnel than sexual arousal.
In fact, if you remove sexual arousal from

the process, any similarities to sexual
intimacy in a healthy marriage would
cease. While sliding down the
Pornography Funnel, a tidal wave of
conflicting and confusing images and
messages wash over the viewer. Visual
images are stored as emotional
memories in the brain before the logic
center realizes what has happened. When
the logic brain catches up, it brings on a

"fight or flight" type response. The
adrenaline gland sends out cortisol, the
"stress hormone," which in turn activates
myriad body-system processes to

counteract stress. In essence, the entire
pornography process is intensified and
supercharged, far beyond what sexual
arousal alone would accomplish. The

human system is not designed to deal
with this overwhelming level of conflicting
stimulations.This is why many

neuropsychologists refer to pornography
as "visual crack cocaine". An Empty and
Hollow Climax: When one uses

pornography to reach climax, the brain
desensitizes to the images, habituates to
them, and eventually becomes bored.
An increase in the variety of images and/or time spent on

the Internet is required to maintain stimulation levels.
In a healthy marriage relationship, sexual
intimacy is only a part of everything else
going on in the
couple's life. So when the couple "brings
all of that into the bedroom," it is highly

unlikely that the brain will habituate to
the sexual process. When Reality Returns
– the Hopeless Dialogue: When the porn

viewer emerges from the narrowest part
of the funnel back to a wide perspective,
the heartless "drug-high" of pornography
and climax quickly dissipate. Suddenly his
rational thinking returns and the hopeless
dialogue begins: "What have I done?
What was I thinking?" He wasn't thinking;
that was the problem! Once he descends
into the Pornography Funnel, he gives up

his ability to "think". The
overpowering flood of chemicals
overrides his cognitive thought and
reasoning abilities.
The frontal lobes – the logic
center of the brain – are virtually shut down and the limbic system, which
controls the pleasure/emotional center of the brain, takes over.
(Kastleman, p39-57)
I hope you now have a better
understanding of why pornography can

be so addictive.
In the next chapter, we are going to take
a closer look at the addictive cycle. I am
really glad you have found this free
course!
2. Understanding the Addictive Cycle

Follow this link for a larger image of the
addictive cycle, please open it and take a

few minutes to review it, to further
enhance our discussion.
There are a few things to point out.
The "acting out" (engaging in an activity
that you consciously didn't want to
engage in) usually starts out with a

trigger, which is interpreted by your brain
at a subconscious level, and results in a

strong emotion, such as excitement. Only
then do you get a thought in your

conscious brain!
Think about it! In our society, most of the
people hold a belief that we are primarily
motivated by our thinking. This, however,
is not entirely true! In fact, as much as

90% of our daily behaviors are motivated
by our subconscious brains. To make
things worse, once our body begins a

chemical response, it overrides our
cognitive ability. Meaning, we still are
aware of what is going on, but unable to
make an accurate, rational evaluation of
our behavior and upcoming consequences
Immediately after the internal chemical
release, our body begins to change (we

will talk more about it in upcoming
sections). This really is our last line of
defense.
The second thought is our last chance to
realize what is happening and to take
emergency actions to save ourselves (we
will talk a lot more about this as well). If
we were not able to break the cycle,
chances are we will end up giving in, and
engaging in the behavior.
After the "acting out" part is complete,
our brain goes off the auto-pilot, and we

are back to our normal selves. This is
when we are usually able to look at the
situation logically, and realize what has
happened.
A common reaction to this realization is

to feel intense negative emotions, such
as guilt and self-hatred. This approach,
however, only strengthens our addiction.
It keeps us from taking constructive
action.
Remember, we do bad things, but we are

not bad people!
Did you notice that Iskipped one of the
items on the list – vulnerable time? Mark
Kastleman, founder of Candeo Can, came

up with an acronym BLASTed, which
stands for: Bored, Burned Out, Lonely,
Anxious, Afraid, Angry, Stressed, and Tired
Another acronym that is commonly used
in the 12 steps community is HALT:
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.

During the vulnerable times, our
conscious brain loses the ability to see
things clearly. That is when our
subconscious brain is more likely to take
over. And we already know where this is
going to take us.

You can avoid vulnerable times by
beginning to take good care of yourself.
Simple things like getting plenty of sleep,
eating properly, drinking enough water,
and journaling to de-clutter your brain can

go a long way. In the future chapters, we
are going to talk a lot more about things
that you can do to bring about peace and
calmness into your life.

a closer look at how the human brain has
developed over time.
Stay safe!
3. A Quick Look at the Human Brain
The triune brain model was proposed by
Dr. Paul MacLean in the 1950s. It states
that humans don't just have one brain,
but rather a layer of 3 brains that have
each evolved on top of the other over the

course of years: reptilian brain,
mammalian brain, and primate brain.
The Reptilian Brain
This brain is the first to be developed. It
is responsible for autonomic bodily
functions such as heartbeat, breathing,
and temperature control. It is also
responsible for the most important
human needs, such as survival, feeding
and mating.
This brain is part of your subconscious
mind. It has a set of pre-programmed
instructions that it will always execute.
This brain cannot change or learn from
past experiences. It only understands
images, and does not understand

language. Some of the traits associated
with the reptilian brain are: aggression,
dominance, obsessiveness,
compulsiveness, fear, worship,
submission, greed, sex, and seeking a

mate.
The Mammalian Brain
This is the type of brain developed by
most mammals on top of their reptilian
brain. It is your emotional brain – this is
the brain that is responsible for making
you feel the way that you do. This brain
creates chemical messages that allow you

to store information in memory. The
more emotionally charged the message

is, the stronger effect on the brain it is
going to have.
This part of the brain is able to learn from
past experiences. It ensures that you feel
pleasure from the activities intended for
your survival, such as eating and sex. This
function helps to ensure that you will
continue to repeat the favorable
behaviors. The emotional brain is also
able to learn to associate pain with
activities that may threaten your

existence, such as getting burned or
getting hit by a car.
We like to think that we make most of
our decisions based on what we think is
right. In actuality, however, we make
most of our decisions, on what we feel is
right. And this "feeling" is the response

that we get from our emotional brain. The
Primate Brain
This is the thinking brain. It controls such
things as thinking, language, and creative
thinking. This brain is responsible for
telling us who we think we are.

Unfortunately, this brain does not have a
priority over its two predecessors. For
example, in an emergency situation, your

brain can cause you to automatically react
in a certain way, without you ever having
to think about it. This function is crucial to
our survival, but it can also present some

real problems if our
subconscious mind decides to take over,

as it often does, in non-emergency
situations.
a closer look at some of the possible
triggers (external events) that can cause

our reptilian and emotional brains to take
over.
4. Triggers of the Reptilian Brain
In the previous chapter, we took a look at
the triune brain model, which consists of
3 kinds of brains: reptilian, mammalian,
and primate. Now let’s take a closer look
at some of the external events (a.k.a.
triggers) that can cause the reptilian brain
to take over our decision making.
Essentially anything that has to do with
survival of the species, such as sex, power,

self image and food, will trigger a
reptilian brain response. The easiest
example of the reptilian brain response

that most of us can relate to is getting cut
off in traffic. The person who cuts us off
is invading our personal space, and we

immediately respond with an act of
aggression – yelling at the other driver or

honking our horn. Only after some time
are we able to return to our "normal
selves" and consciously reassess what
had just happened. Also note that the
reptilian brain is motivated by visual
images, sounds, touch, smell, and taste,
but it is not motivated by language
(thinking) unless the language helps us to

create a vivid mental image.
The visual stimulation is the strongest,
since we process about 80% of our daily

informational intake through our eyes.
Additionally, it is important to note that
our reptilian brains are not able to tell the
difference between a fake image and a

real life occurrence. That is why we get
hungry when we look at a picture of a
juicy burger, even though we know the
burger is not real.
That is also why we get scared when we
watch a horror movie even though we
understand that it is just a movie.
Speaking of horror movies, try to
remember the first time you saw

something scary on TV. I remember my
first time was a movie about some man
who got his face burned in an accident.
After I saw his face, I couldn't get the
image out of my head, and I(and my

parents) stayed up for the rest of the
night, because I kept having nightmares.
It took a few years before I could watch a

horror movie and go straight to bed. My
brain eventually got used to those scary

images and no longer reacted in the way
that it originally did. Now I would have to
see something really scary on TV for it to
have a similar effect as that first movie
did.
Pornography works in a similar way. Vivid
images that we see and sounds that we

hear get a quick pleasurable response
from our reptilian brain. Most of us have
these experiences when we are very

young, and know very little of our inner
workings. All we can tell is that it feels
good, and we make sure to come back
for more.
Over time, our brains become
accustomed to the images that we see,

and we are forced to seek stronger
stimulation in order to receive a similar
pleasurable response from our reptilian
brain.
All marketers, including pornographers,
are very well aware of the inner workings
of our brains. In a constant battle for our

attention, they are doing their best to
create a message that would have as

much effect on our reptilian brain as
possible.
One of the tricks that they use is a

combination of sex, power, self-image,
and food to create as strong a message as

possible. Additionally, they are constantly
trying to push the boundary of socially
accepted norm, making sure that their
messages are modest enough to avoid
legal trouble, but wrong enough to get
the strongest response possible from our

reptilian brain.
This stuff is very powerful. If you think
about it, all of the behavioral addictions,
such as gambling, overeating, compulsive
shopping, sex and pornography addictions
are motivated by one or combinations of
the desire for sex, power (social status),

self-image or food.
We are literally in competition with
various forms of media for our own

minds. Therefore, it becomes very crucial
for us to firstly become aware of what is
going on around us, and secondly learn to
"get our minds" back whenever we are

triggered by an external event.
We are going to talk a lot more about
different tools we can use to get and
keep our lives back, but now I want to
point out one very quick, but very

powerful tip.
Remember how I said in the previous
chapter that the reptilian brain controls
all of our automated bodily functions,

such as blood pressure, heartbeat, and
breathing? Well, turns out one of these
functions is not completely automated.
We have an ability to control our breath.
By taking slow deep breaths, we are able
to convey a message to our reptilian
brain that everything is OK, causing it to
release the control back to our thinking
brain.
Next time you feel triggered by any

external event, try to take 10 slow and
deep breaths. Count to 10 when you

inhale, hold your breath for 10 seconds,
and count to 10 on your way out. You will
notice a great sense of peace and
calmness return!

a quick look at our emotional brain.
5. The Emotional Brain
Now that we have discussed the reptilian
brain, it is time to become more familiar
with the emotional brain.
As you probably remember, the reptilian
brain does not have the ability to learn.
Therefore, it will continue to do the same

thing over and over again, no matter what
the previous experience might have
been.
That is why the next step in evolution
became the emotional brain. This brain
has the ability to learn, balancing the
reptilian brain, and it uses signals of
pleasure and pain to control our behavior.

It is very important to understand that it
is the emotions that we are feeling, and
not the thoughts that we are thinking
that control most of our behavior.
Unfortunately, the power of the
emotional brain is very familiar to us

addicts. It is our emotional brain that
causes us to do things that we don't want
to do that we will later regret.
For example, for a very long time, I
struggled to avoid certain pornographic
websites. Yet after a week or two of
staying away, I would find myself giving
in, and going back to looking.
This was happening for two reasons.

1. A pre-programmed response from my
reptilian brain causing me to look for sex.
2. The emotional connection between
the website and intense pleasure that I
had established in the past.
Reason number 2 is the one that makes
all of the difference. Reptilian brain does
not learn, and it will always maintain its
desire for sex.

The emotional brain, however, is what
caused me to associate a website, a

bunch of pixels on a screen, with a
possibility of intense pleasure.
That is why even though I would tell
myself that I did not want to go onto that
site, all of the sudden it would feel that it
was not such a bad idea. Before I knew it, I
would spend hours viewing pornography
until I reach a level of stimulation

significant enough to satisfy my reptilian
brain.
Only then would the reptilian and
emotional brain return full control of my

body back to my thinking brain, allowing
me to analyze what had just happened.
And as a result of it, I would feel guilt and
regret, knowing that I just did something
that Idid not want to do.
It is important to understand that our

reptilian and emotional brains have the
ability to override our thinking brain,
leaving us as mere observers. That is why
we should be very careful not to make
any decisions while we are feeling any

intense emotions, both positive and
negative, since they can greatly affect

our judgment.
Most of the people don't have a habit of
monitoring their emotions. That is why I
challenge you to pay closer attention to
what you are feeling for the rest of the
day. Some of the basic emotions to watch
out for are anger, anxiety, excitement,
happiness, love, and sadness.
a look at some of the simple things that
we can do to help us strengthen our

thinking brain, and help us live a more
conscious life.
6. Getting Your Brain Back

By now, you are probably a little
concerned with the prospect of spending
your life enslaved by your reptilian and
emotional brains.
The unfortunate reality is that our brains
have the capacity to get better at the
behaviors that we repeat consistently. So
if you've spent the past 5-10-15-20 years

of your life practicing an emotional brain
response, chances are you’ve gotten
really good at it.
The good news is that our brains have
the capacity to get better at the
behaviors that we repeat consistently.
So the trick is to practice the healthy
behaviors. To consciously work on

strengthening your thinking brain, as well
as learning to recognize the behaviors of

your emotional brain.
Over time, old emotional associations will
become weaker, and the new, healthy
ones will get stronger. Eventually you will
be able to walk away from pornography
because it feels good to walk way. This
however, will not happen overnight.
In succeeding chapters, we are going to
look at a systematic way for you to fight
your addictive response. This process will
take time, so here are a few simple things
you can begin practicing today to help
strengthen your thinking brain. Journaling
Remember how I asked you to keep track
of your emotions and thoughts
throughout the day? I also recommend

for you to begin to journal about your
observations.
Make sure that your journal is private,
and that nobody else can access it. It is
extremely crucial that you be completely
honest and open with your journal.
Journaling is not keeping a diary, but
rather looking back at your day, and
consciously analyzing what was driving
your emotions and behaviors throughout
the day.
This practice will allow you to strengthen
your thinking brain, as well as to get in
touch with and better understand your

emotional and reptilian brains. Delaying
Gratification
Find something that is very pleasurable

for you and practice postponing it for 10-
15
minutes.
For example, first thing that I want to do
every morning is to check my email. I
choose to do my morning practice
instead (we will talk more about morning
practices later). By doing so, I practice my

thinking brain response. In comparison, on
the days when I skip my morning practice
and go straight for my email, I practice my

emotional brain response.
We are faced with opportunities to
strengthen our thinking brains on a daily
basis. Even if stopping pornography
might be too hard for you right now,

there are other small steps that you can
take to help your thinking brain get
stronger. Delaying Your Actions

This one is similar to delaying
gratification.
If you feel a strong emotion forcing you

to do something, practice postponing this
behavior for a short period of time.
For example, if you get angry at your

co-worker, you can type up a response
email, but don't hit the send button. Let
it sit there while your emotional brain
cools down. Or if you come up with a

really exciting business idea, write it
down and leave it alone for a while. Come
back to it the next day and see if it still
looks feasible.
Controlling Your Breathing

Just like I mentioned before, breathing is
the secret key to your reptilian brain. So
anytime you notice yourself react with
the reptilian or emotional brains, try
practicing deep breathing.
For example, if somebody cuts you off in
traffic, causing you to feel anger,

immediately begin to breath.
Similarly, if you see something on the
street or on TV that triggers your

addiction, try to do the breathing
exercise.
Ten breaths in, hold it for 10 seconds, 10
breaths out. Repeat it until you feel bette
r.
These four tips are simple but they are

very powerful! Make sure to practice
them, simply reading this book will do
very little for you.

Our society does not do a very good job
helping people to develop their thinking
brain. In contrary, our entire media
industry is built on training people to
make decisions (buy) with their emotional
and reptilian brains.
Unfortunately by this point in your life,
your emotional brain has caused you so

much pain that it forces you to look for
help. But this can be good news. Looking
back at it, my addiction is the best thing
that ever happened to me. No, I am not
happy with all of the pain and sorrow

that it brought into my life and the lives of
my loved ones. I am not happy about all
of the time that I've spent fueling my

addiction. I am not happy with all the
dreams that I gave up on, choosing to act
out.
But I am happy that I am finally awake;
that I am finally able to see things around
me for what they really are. I am glad
that Ihave the rest of my life. I have the
rest of my life, not my addiction, not the
media, and not the porn industry. And I
believe that you will have a similar
experience, even if you might not feel like
it just yet.
a look at how to create your recovery plan

7. Creating Your Sexual Recovery
Plan
You can spend thousands of dollars on

the most expensive recovery course, but
it will do you no good unless you take
action.
Below is my old sexual recovery plan that
I wrote almost 3 years ago. I got this idea
from a book called Cybersex Exposed.
Sexual Recovery Plan
Column -
1 Problematic Actions
 Watching Pornography
 Masturbating
Column 2 - Warning Signs That Sobriety Is
in Jeopardy
 Getting online when nobody else is at
home
 Engaging in any kind of activities on
the Internet that are not work related 
Scanning the TV channels hoping to find
something exciting or distracting  Not
resolving fights with other people
 Lying to myself or others, keeping
secrets
 Isolating
 Working more than forty-five hours a
week
 Not getting enough sleep or exercise
 Skipping my support groups or

therapy
 Feeling overwhelmed, scattered or
guilty
 Intense sexual fantasies
 Excessive sexual objectification of
others
 Thinking about former sex or dating
partners
Column 3 - The Positive Reward
of Maintaining Sobriety and
Refraining from My Primary Problem
Activities
 Having more times with loved once

and friends – better relationships 
Returning to hobbies and creative
activities that bring pleasure 
romance
Rediscovering with partner
 Taking some classes toward a possible
new career
 Feeling clean and good about self
 Having more time for relaxation and
fun
 Going to movies and theaters
 No need to be worried about getting
caught lying
 Not having to apologize for being late
 Placing greater emphasis on financial
health and stability  Improved health
I recommend that you create a similar
recovery plan for yourself. As you can see,

it consists of 3 parts.
Problematic Actions
I saw a poster at a rifle range once; it
said, "If you don't have a target, you will
miss every time."
You have to define for yourself what

behaviors you are trying to stop. This will
provide you with a starting point from
which you can judge your progress.

Warning Signs That Sobriety Is in
Jeopardy
Simply look back at your past acting out
experiences and try to identify the
behaviors that can serve as warning signs
that you are about to act out. The
Positive Reward of Maintaining Sobriety
and Refraining from My Primary Problem
Activities
This is the most important part. Why do
you want to stop?
Another saying that I’ve heard is that
having a strong why (reason) can

overcome almost any how (condition).
I recommend that you take the next 2

days to create your personal sexual
recovery plan. Don't worry about getting
it perfect, just get the ball rolling and get
something in writing.
8. The Best Thing You Can Do For
Yourself Today
By now, you should have completed you

personal sexual recovery plan. Now you
know what behaviors you want to stop,
why you want to stop, and what behaviors
to watch out for.
I also hope that you had a chance to
watch my introduction video titled
"How to Stop Pornography Addiction".
Please do not continue reading until you

have finished your sexual recovery plan
and you've watched the video.
Now please download and print the
ERP checklist. If you don't have a printer,
simple re-create a first row by hand.
Also make sure that you have your sexual
recovery plan handy. Now take a few
minutes to identify a triggering situation.
Chances are you can use one of the
warning signs from your sexual recovery

plan. Make sure to create a vivid mental
image of a situation where you are most

likely to act out (i.e. home alone with a
computer) and observe the physiological
response from your body. Note: Please do
not try to look at pornography and
other sexually explicit material in order
to trigger yourself, this will only have a

contra-productive effect. Concentrate
instead on a challenging situation where
you tend to lose control.
Measure your pulse rate as soon as you

feel the response. Record it into the table.
Now immediately follow through with
breathing exercise. Breathe in for 10
seconds, hold your breath for 10 seconds,
breathe out for 10 seconds. Repeat it 10
times.
Now read out loud to yourself all of the
positive rewards for staying sober from
you sexual recovery plan. Make sure to

take your time to imagine each of the
positive rewards. Imagine how it would
feel to be that person. Try to create a

very vivid and colorful image.
Once you are done, measure your pulse
rate again. Record the difference in the
table. Be aware that there are no right
and wrong results; you are simply
observing your body to gain a better
understanding of how it functions.
I want to congratulate you! You just
finished your first ERP exercise! Well,
you've almost finished it, except for the
most important part. I want you to shut
off your computer and go for a walk.
Drop everything that you are doing, and
just go. And if it is too late at night, shut
off your computer and go to bed. Trust
me, this will be the best thing you can do
for yourself. In the next chapter, we are

going to revisit the ERP techniques, and
look into why it is so important for our

recovery.
P.S. If you chose not to do the exercise, I
highly advise you to find some time to do
it before the end of the day, so you can

better understand our next discussion.
9. How to use ERP Properly to Help
You Change
In the last chapter, you completed your

first ERP exercise. If you haven't done so,
I encourage you to do it now.
The common mistake that people make
is to think that the ERP is a tool that they
can use to avoid acting out.
In actuality, it is the complete opposite.

ERP is the tool that you must use
consistently and systematically when you
do not feel like acting out. Let me explain.
Remember our discussion about the
triune brain model, and how the
emotional brain can take over our body
and make us crave, feel, and think things
that we don't really want in our life?
If your emotional brain begins taking over

and forces you to act out, your thinking
brain will be too weak to remember to do
ERP. It would just not seem like a good
idea at the time.
ERP is not a tool to help you stop yourself
from acting out. It is a tool to help you

train your emotional brain to crave
different things.
That is why you must use ERP
consistently, daily, over a significant
period of time (at least 30 days) in order
to see a desired result. This is your

workout for your emotional brain.
You are training it. You let it feel a little
bit of craving, and you train it to react in
a healthy way.
As you continuously repeat the training,
your emotional brain will realize that this
activity is important and will begin
automating the process.

Do you remember when you were first
learning to drive the car? How difficult it
was? You were completely present in the
process, and it required a lot of conscious

effort on your part, right?
How do you feel about driving a car now?
Chances are you spend most of your time
spaced out, thinking about your day,
listening to the radio, or talking on a cell
phone.
The same thing will happen with your

ERP practice, if you practice it regularly.
To this day, I still get a call from my

reptilian brain to act out. But now when
it happens, my emotional brain has access

to two kinds of memories. One is my
previous acting out behaviors that forced
me to associate pornography, TV,
computer, magazines, etc. as powerful
sources of pleasure.
But I also have a new kind of memory:

the feeling of self respect that I feel when
I choose to walk away from my addiction
and to turn to a healthy outlet instead.
To me, this feeling is stronger than any

benefit of acting out that I could possibly
get. Additionally, when I feel triggered, I
notice myself beginning to engage in an

ERP practice automatically without having
to think about it. I literally notice myself
beginning to take deep breaths without
even having to make a conscious effort.
This new habit, of course, only comes

with consistent practice.
I hope that a consistent ERP practice will
help you develop a similar – new kind of
memory and an automated healthy
response.
Today, I encourage you to download a
pdf with sample motivation statements
and choose at least 20 (from the PDF,
your sexual recovery plan, or your

imagination) that really speak to your
soul.
When you are done, write them on 3 by 5
cards (small cardboard cards) in a large
font. One statement per card, and use

these cards in your daily ERP practice,
making sure to read out loud to yourself.
People learn the best by a combination of
doing, seeing, and hearing. When you use

the cardboard cards, you see them, move
them, and hear yourself read them, which
greatly facilitate your learning process.

Next, we are going to take a look at an
important strategy you can use to help
you break free.
I am proud of you! Keep up the good
work!
10. An Important Strategy to Help
You Break Free
Many people spend a lot of time trying to
find “the” perfect method that will set
them free.
The truth is there is no perfect method.
Most methods are good, but none of
them are perfect.
So what are we to do if there is no

method that works 100%? How are we to
beat our addiction?
The approach that worked (and is still

working) for me is to use a combination
of methods to help me break free.
Instead of trying one method, hoping
that it will work, I decided to do
everything possible at the same time, to
help me overcome my addiction.
Here is a story that inspired me to get

sober.
One evening, an old Cherokee told
his grandson about a battle that goes on

inside all people. He said, "My son,
the battle is between two 'wolves' inside
us all.
"One is Evil. It is anger, envy,

jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and
ego."
"The other is Good. It is joy, peace,

love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness,
benevolence, empathy, generosity,
truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for
a minute and then asked his grandfather,
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed."
If you feed your right wolf the rest will
take care of itself.
What did I do to feed the right wolf? I did
everything I could have thought at the tim

e.
Prayed in the morning and at night (If you
don't believe in God, simply replace
prayer with a plan on how you're going to
stay sober for that day) Journal daily
ERP practice daily
Meditated daily (10 minutes of silencing
my mind)
Exercised daily (Low impact cardio,
usually a part of my ERP practice) Ate
healthy (3 meals and 2 snacks a day)
Stayed hydrated (8 glasses of water a

day)
Got plenty of sleep (at least 8 hours)
I encourage you to commit to do a

combination of positive things in your life
on a daily basis. The more, the better.
Some days you will do more, some days
you will do less. But you need consistent
systematic positive actions in your life in
order to break free.
Until this day, if I find my life beginning to
spin out of control, I revisit those items. I
usually notice that I was skipping on all of
them, so I re-commit to a systematic
positive self care in my life. This approach
never fails to bring me back. In the next
post, we are going to take a look at a

powerful model that will help us
understand how our beliefs affect our
emotions.
Oh, and make sure to do your ERP
Practice today!
11. A-B-C-D-E Model

If you enjoyed the triune brain model,
you will probably enjoy the A-B-C-D-E
model as well.
I first learned about this model from
Candeo Can, although they only called it
A-B-C-D model. Ilater saw E added at
various Internet resources, and thought
that it fits well with our practice.
A-B-C-D-E Stands for:
A - Activating Event
B - Belief
C - Consequence
D - Dispute
E - Exercise and Evaluate
Essentially, this model is used to help us

understand how our subconscious brain
works.
A,B,C are completely automated
processes, and take place without us ever

being consciously aware of them.
For example, let’s say you noticed
somebody laughing, while looking in your

direction. All of a sudden, you feel anger
or concern that something is wrong with
you.
What took place here was
A - Activating Event - People Laughing
B - Belief - If somebody is laughing, they
probably are laughing at me C -
Consequence - Feeling of anger or
concern
Like I said, these 3 steps are automated,
and we have no control over them. We

do, however, have control over what
happens next.
D - Dispute (or Debate) - we can look at
our automated belief, and resulting
consequence, and dispute it. In our

example above, we can notice that
people were laughing at something else.
Or even if they were laughing at us, we

can remember that their opinions are
irrelevant, and will not have any effect on
our future.
E - Exercise - If we dispute our old belief
once, it will make us feel better for that
moment, but it will not replace our

automated belief. In order to learn a new
belief and make it part of our automated
response, we need to PRACTICE it. Let’s

look at another example related to porn
addiction. Let’s say you find yourself
alone with a computer, and you suddenly
feel strong excitement. You can step back
and identify the following.
A - Activating Event - Being alone with
computer
B - Belief - "There is so much exciting
stuff to see there"
C - Consequence - A strong sense of
excitement and desire
D - Dispute - The "exciting stuff" is
actually a poison to my brain. It has
caused nothing but pain and harm in my

life. It was designed to keep me hooked
and coming back for more. If I walk away,

I will feel free and I will be proud of
myself. E - Exercise - That is where tools
like ERP become so important. They
provide us with a systematic approach to
changing our negative beliefs to our

positive ones. Did you do your ERP
practice today? Did you make sure to

follow up with an act of self care?
A-B-C-D-E model plays a huge role in
helping us overcome our addiction. As
you will find out in your near future, there
is probably a large number of false beliefs
reinforced throughout your life that keep
you trapped in your addiction. In the next
chapter, I am going to share some of my

personal beliefs that kept me trapped.
I encourage you to pay attention to your

own feelings and emotions for the rest of
the day. Whenever you notice yourself
experiencing an emotion or a feeling, try
to step back and identify the A-B-C's
involved.
I hope you will find this exercise useful!
12. Beliefs That Kept Me Trapped
Here are some of the most serious false
beliefs that kept me trapped in my add
iction.
I was able to identify my negative beliefs
through Journaling, by looking at the A-
B-C-D model. I then re-wrote my negative
belief with a statement of truth, as you

can see in the examples below.
Belief #1: Uncontrolled erection is a sign
that I have an uncontrollable animal

inside of me.
I think an erection was one of my earliest
sexual experiences. Nobody told me that
this was supposed to happen, and I really
wanted to make it go away. I tried to use

my will power to make it stop, but
couldn't get it to work. Eventually, my

erections began to serve as an indicator
that there was a part of me – my sexuality
– that was stronger than my willpower
and that there was no way for me to

control it.
The truth is that erections are not bad at
all; they are one of the greatest gifts of
life. They are signs that I have the power

to use my love to create another life. They
are signs that I can have a family of my

own. This truly is a beautiful and
wonderful gift, and I am thankful for it.
Belief #2: Every man has secret sexual
desires that cause them to cheat on their
wives; they just don't talk to anyone

about it. All men are born this way. The
truth is that all men do have sexual
desires. This is part of the great gift of
sexuality. However, this does not mean

that men have to cheat and that all men
will cheat. Many men do, but many men
do not. It is my life, and I was given a
power to make the choices of what I
want to do with my life. I can choose to
disperse my sexuality onto thousands of
women, or I can choose to save it for the
special woman in my life. The choice is
always mine and mine only. Belief #3: If

somebody knew about my dirty secrets,
they would have lost all respect for me.

The truth is that sharing my experience
with others is the only way for me to be
whole again. For most of my life, I
thought that I could not ever be happy if I
were to tell somebody about my secrets.

Now I realize that the only way for me to
be happy is through sharing my
experience with others. There are plenty
of supportive and understanding people
out there who have had similar
experiences, and who would not judge
me and will support me on my journey
towards become the best man that I can
be.
Belief #4: Pornography is a safe and
healthy way to explore my sexuality; it is
just a tool that I can use to keep my

animal instincts at bay.
The truth is that pornography is the
worst way to explore my sexuality.
Through intensive pornography use over

many years, I completely redefined my
definition of sexuality, and what I
considered to be acceptable. I went from
looking at models when I was a teenager,

dreaming of one day meeting my true
love, to looking at hardcore pornography.
Eventually even this was no longer
enough for me, so I kept on looking for
harder and harder stuff. Pornography,
acting as a drug, was tapping directly into

the pleasure centers of my brain. That is
why I was able to spend hours watching
pornography, while it felt like I could not
concentrate on any other task for longer
than 5 to 10 minutes. Belief #5:
Pornography is the only thing that Ihave
to cope with life; without it, I have
nothing.
The truth is that pornography was the
only response that I'd learned for coping
with the stresses of life, but it is not the
only response available to me. I am
learning to develop a new healthy
outlook on life, proper time management
skills, meditation, and other techniques
that would allow me to go through life
without having to rely on pornography.
Belief #6: I don't know if I really want to

quit, maybe it is OK to look. The truth is
that there is so much more to life than
pornography. I only get one chance on

this planet, and while it might have felt
that pornography was the only thing that I
truly enjoyed, in actuality it simply kept
me trapped. When Ilook back at my life,
all I can see are years of acting out. By no

longer allowing pornography to dominate
my life, I am able to follow my true

dreams for myself. Belief #7: This is not
my fault that I turned out this way; it is a

result of what others have done to me.
The truth is that I do not have control
over what other people do in my life, but
I always have control over how I choose to
react to it. I accept full responsibility for

everything that takes place in my life.
These are just 7 out of hundreds of
negative beliefs that I was able to identify
in the recent years.

These 7, however, were very powerful
for me. I followed recommendations from
Candeo Can and created an audio file of
me reading out loud my statements of
truth. Ithen uploaded this audio file into
my iPod and continued to listen to it daily
for the next 30 days.
I encourage you to identify 7 most
powerful negative beliefs that keep you

trapped.
I also encourage you to create an audio
file with the positive statements of truth,

and listen to them daily for the next 30
days, in addition to your ERP practice and
other healthy behaviors.
It sounds like a lot of work, but it takes
about two hours of initial set up, and
only 2-3 minutes per day to listen to the
statements.
You can use Sound Recorder on your PC
or Garage Band on your Mac. If neither of
these options works on your computer,

you can download audacity – free audio-
recording software.
I apologize for overloading you with
information over the past couple of
weeks. Let’s take a couple of days off, so

you will have enough time to identify
some of your false beliefs and make your

audio recording. Also please make sure
to keep up with your ERP practices, as
well as other healthy activities that you
chose for yourself.
In two days, we are going to take a look
at a technique that Icall mini-ERP. This
technique is very useful in dealing with
triggers when a full ERP practice is not ava

ilable.
13. Mini - ERP, or How to Handle
Triggers
I hope you were able to record your own

statements of truth and that you are
continuing your ERP practice.
Today, we are going to talk about a quick

method that you can use to handle a
trigger when a full ERP practice is not
available. I call it mini-ERP. Mini-ERP is a

stripped down version of a full ERP
practice and is very useful, since you can't
stop and measure your pulse every time
you get triggered while driving your car or

walking on a busy street.
Mini-ERP consists of breathing, positive
statements, and shifting your attention
towards something else. (Think: Breathe
- Positive - Shift)
Breathing
This is just like the regular ERP practice.
Simply take a number of deep breaths.
The key is to become aware of your

breathing and consciously slow it down.
Positive Statements
Chances are you will have some of your
reasons to stay sober memorized through
your regular ERP practice. Additionally,
you can simply think to yourself of why it
is that you are trying to get sober, or to

remember how out-of-control your life
was when you were acting out.
I picked
Candeo
breathing.
up
Can ,
another
Essentially,
great idea from
they call it gratitude
it is a combination
of deep breathing and positive thoughts.
What they suggest is to think of 3 to 5
things that you are really thankful for in
your life. This is a great exercise, and very

powerful. Just give it a try next time you
get triggered, and you will feel it yourself.
Shift Your Attention

This is also very important, instead of
trying to fight your trigger, simply pay

attention to something else.
Personally, I try to find something
beautiful in nature. I try to notice a tree,

or the sky, or a bird, and really take a
second to admire that beauty.
But since not everybody is a nature freak
like me, you can find something else
healthy that catches your attention, like a

sports car passing by, and shift your mind
to it.
Another way of shifting attention that I
learned from the Candeo Can course is to
connect with another human being. You

can do this by either making a direct eye
contact with somebody, engaging in
small talk, helping somebody with
something small like holding a door, or

calling somebody over the phone. Try to
practice the mini-ERP for the next couple
of days in addition to your standard ERP
practice. Also make sure to take good
care of yourself, and replace the old lies
of your addiction with the new

statements of truth. In the next chapter,
we will take a closer look at our triggers
and why some days are worse than
others.
14. What Does a Trigger Tell Us?
Sometimes it feels like we have no

control over the amount of triggers that
show up in our life, and that they are

completely dependent on the outside
world. This, however, is only partially true.
But before we go on with further
discussion, let me ask you to do a simple
task. Look around the room where you are

sitting and notice all of the things that
are green. It could be a vase, a dollar bill,
or a plant. Anything that is green. Stop
reading and look around the room now!
Did you notice a lot of green things?
Now repeat the same exercise, but this
time look for everything that is the color
red.
Stop reading and do it now!

Did you notice a lot of red things that you

did not notice the first time you looked
around the room? I hope so, at least that
is the result that I get when I perform this
exercise.
So what does this simple experiment tell
us? Well, it appears that we do have some

control over what we choose to notice in
our environment.
So the next time you find yourself getting
triggered a lot, take a step back and try to
identify what is causing your brain to
focus on all of the triggering stuff.
Chances are you will find that in one way

or another, you were not in a good place.
Maybe you didn't get a lot of sleep,
maybe you skipped the breakfast, or

maybe there is a strong emotion or false
beliefs that are really taking over your life.
In other words, you will be able to
determine what is causing you to feel
triggered, as long as you are consciously
aware that something unhealthy is taking
place.
Don't get me wrong, the environment
where you choose to be is a major factor
on the amount and strength of triggers
that you are being exposed to. But
staying away from triggering places is only
one part of the equation. The other part
is what takes place in our heads. As one of
my friends in recovery put it, "when I am

in a bad place, I can sexualize dirt."
So you don't have to go to a triggering
place in order to feel triggered. On the
flip side, if life takes you to a triggering
place by accident, you will be more likely
to maintain your composure if you are in
good place.
Just remember this simple rule. If you

notice yourself getting triggered a lot, it is
just a sign that something in your life is
out of balance. You can restore the
balance once again by taking good care

of yourself. You know, all of those things
we talked about earlier: journaling,
meditation, eating, sleeping, hydrating,
doing your ERP practice, looking at your

A-B-C-D's, etc.
There is another area of taking care of

yourself that we have not talked about
yet, and we will get into it shortly.
But before we do that, there is another
important exercise that we will need to
complete. I'll tell you more about it in the
next section.
Today, try to pay attention to yourself
when you are getting triggered and later
journal about it to identify what emotion,
belief, or discomfort was the real cause

behind this experience.
Keep up the good work!
15. Very Important Exercise
Today, I am going to ask you to complete

a simple but very important exercise. If I
could ask you to complete only one

exercise before you leave this course, this
would have to be it.
I waited so long to introduce it because I
wanted to help you to release some of
the initial pressure of addiction first and
only then ask you to look at the bigger
picture.
Your past is the result of choices you

have made. Your future will be the result
of the choices that you will make. There
are millions of roads that you can take,
and each one of them will take you to a

different place. The question is, where do
you want to go? We are going to try to
answer this question now. I want you to

imagine yourself being an old person,
lying on your deathbed. You only have few
breaths left in you. You look back at your

life, and you realize that while it wasn't
perfect, you lived it well. You feel proud
of yourself, and the choices that you have
made. It is OK to go now.
The question is, what choices do you
need to make now, in what direction do
you need to take your life in order to
become this old person?
When I did this exercise, I realized that I
wanted to have a family. I realized that I
wanted to do work that was meaningful.
That I wanted to be a good, honest,
present, and sober man.
Nothing extraordinary really, but it does
not need to be extraordinary, it is simply
right for me.

Before I did this exercise, I wasn't sure
what I wanted in life. I was lost and
confused. Sometimes I wanted one thing,
and other times Iwanted another. But I
know now, from the bottom of my heart,
that what I truly want is to be this happy
old person, looking back at my life,
feeling proud of the life that I lived. Now I
have a vision of where I want to go. It is
like the North Star that I use to guide my

journey. Anytime when I get lost in life, I
can step back and ask myself, will this
road take me to where I really want to
go?
Please take the next 3 days and think
about what route in life would help you

to become this happy and satisfied
person. There are many different roads
available. I want you to find the one that
is right for you!
Take your time and be gentle. And please
don't forget to do your ERP practice and
the other positive things.
See you in 3 days!
16. My Relapse, and What ILearned
From It - Part1
I think it is important now for me to share
a story of my relapse.
I was able to get one month of sobriety
by doing the ERP practice. Since I
adopted this system myself, I wasn't sure

how effective it was. I decided to seek
further knowledge and purchased
membership at the Candeo Can program.
Surprisingly, I found that my system was

very close to the solution proposed by
Candeo Can. Nevertheless, I was able to
learn a lot from Candeo Can and more

importantly, I gained confidence that my
approach towards recovery was in fact
efficient.
With the help of Candeo Can I was able
to stay sober for a total of 3 months.

Three months with no masturbation and
no pornography felt like a miracle to me.

Never ever in my life was I able to
achieve something like that.
Since I stopped my addiction, I now felt
like life will really begin to work out for
me. The problem was that it never

happened. I did stop my addiction, but it
did not help my social anxiety and other
issues that I had. If anything, it felt like
my life got harder. I lost the only crutch
that I used to help self-medicate myself
from the pains of life. Without it, I felt all
alone and vulnerable.
I felt like the people at Candeo Can and
my ERP practice had cheated me. I
stopped my addiction. How come my life

was not getting better? Were all of the
promises I told myself during the ERP
practice just a lie?
Slowly I began to look for new ways to

self-medicate myself. Sure I wasn't going
to watch porn anymore, but it was OK to
watch a horror movie. After awhile I
would start watching 2-3 horror movies a

day. It was OK because it wasn't porn.
Soon I began to fast forward through the
movies looking for "interesting" parts,
which usually involved extreme violence
and sexuality. I wouldn't even care to

watch the plot, just the "interesting
parts".
Soon I began to engage in behaviors very

similar to the worst days of my addiction. I
would stay up all night watching horror
movies and I would default on my work.
That is when I began to really feel insane.
I had all this knowledge on how to stop. I
knew that I learned the tricks to allow me

to stop. Yet it seemed that I just couldn't
stay in the right mindset for an extended
period of time.
Sometimes I would want to be sober. But
sometimes, I would just feel like I didn't
care anymore. Like I "deserved a break".
To make things worse, if I were to admit
that my problem wasn't cured, Iwould
have to come clean before my girlfriend.
Just the thought of that was killing me.
She was so proud of me being able to
stop, and so happy with our relationship.
I hadn’t seen her that happy in the first 2
years of us being together.
So I decided to do what any addict would
do. Try to fix it on my own, in secrecy.
The problem was that I no longer knew
where to turn to. I'd already read some

of the best books on the subject. I'd
already paid for some of the best
recovery programs. I've had professional
counseling. Yet somehow it just wasn't
enough.
Desperate, I decided to look into 12 steps
literature.
During my Candeo Can recovery stage, I
decided that it was a good idea to go to a

Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting. I didn't
feel like I needed it, but I wanted to do it,
just in case. I thought it would help me to

connect better to people.
When I attended the meeting, I felt very

out of place. The room was full of people
with some real issues. Everybody was

hugging each other. We even had to get
in a circle and hold each other's hands at
the end of the meeting. This was the
weirdest experience of my life.
To make things worse, I decided to go

out for a breakfast with these people.
That is when my social anxiety really

kicked in. This was the first time since I
got sober (about 2 months at that time)
when I really felt like acting out.
Needless to say, I swore to never come

back to the meeting, since it was making
me feel like I wanted to act out, instead
of being helpful.
On my way back from the breakfast and
into the parking lot, I got to talk to one of
the old-timers. I asked him how long he
was sober for. He told me that it was

about 3 years at the time. I was very
impressed with his results and I asked
him how did he do it?
He said, very easy, my program is
spiritual.
Oh SH*T, I thought to myself, Now I get
it. This guy is a religious freak. Now he is
going to tell me all about Jesus coming
over to him one night and saving his soul.
That is nice, I said out loud, and decided
to not ask any more questions.
When we got to the parking lot, the guy

gave me the big book of Alcoholics
Anonymous. He said that oftentimes
newcomers do not come back. And if I
were to never to come back, it was OK,
and I could keep the book. But he highly
advised me to at least read Bill's (a
founder of AA) story, if Ididn't feel like I

wanted to read the whole thing.
I thanked him, and took the book. I read
Bill's story, and mailed the book back to
the guy. I decided to not go back to the
12 steps meetings ever again.
But now 4 months since I originally got
sober, and finding myself in trouble
again, not knowing where to go, I decided
to turn to 12 steps literature again, to see

if it might have something new to offer.
In summary, I realized that the phrase
"Mind, Body, and Spirit" existed for a

reason. My ERP practice and Candeo Can
took care of my mind. Through healthy
daily habits, I was taking care of my body.
But my spirit, my soul was not taken care

of at all. This was the missing element,
and that is what Ihad to do in order to
begin to see positive changes take place
in my life.
I'll tell you the rest of the story in the
next chapter.
Meanwhile, I encourage you to take a

closer look at your behaviors today, to
make sure that you are not letting new

addictions replace your old one.
17. My Relapse, and What ILearned
From It - Part 2
In the last chapter, I shared with you how
Ihad a relapse, got desperate, and began

reading 12 steps literature. Now I am
going to share what I found there and
why it made sense to me.
Essentially the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous (Big Book is just a nickname,
the book is actually pretty small) is a

guidebook for the hopeless. It begins
with Bill W., the founder of AA, sharing his
personal struggle.
He had been drinking for many years. At
first he didn't think anything was wrong

with him, but eventually he couldn't deny
that his life was completely out of control.
He then proceeded to try to quit drinking.
He first tried self-control; that didn't
work. Then he tried getting a

psychological understanding of his
problem; that didn't work. Then he tried
locking himself in a recovery center – but
as soon as he was out he got drunk again,
so that didn't work either.
Essentially, he tried everything that
modern medicine at the time (late 1930s)
had to offer, and nothing seemed to help
him.
One night, he had an old drinking friend
of his come over to talk to him. This friend
was sober from drinking for about 2
months. Strangely, Bill said that his friend
seemed to appear very happy and
present.
His friend told him a story of his own, of

how he was going to go to jail for his
drinking and misbehaviors, but a couple
of men came over and convinced the
judge to let them try to save Bill's friend.
The judge agreed and Bill's friend went
out with these two men.
The two men were part of a religious
Christian movement called the Oxford
Group, and in essence their belief was

that we human beings, were very poor
managers of our own lives and that God
could do a much better job of managing
our life than we could. They have also
worked out certain steps and principles
to follow in order to achieve just that.

Additionally, Bill became aware of an
idea that drunks existed throughout the
history of the world, and usually most of
them died from the eminent death,
except for a few exceptions.
Every once in a while, some of the drunks
claimed to have an intense “spiritual
experience”, where they found their
connection to God. After which they
usually would stop drinking altogether for
the rest of their lives, and became very

religious.
The problem was that Bill W. didn't
believe in God. He agreed that perhaps
there was a certain rule, law or energy

source that governs the entire universe,
but he couldn't believe in anything else.
That is when his friend suggested that
instead of adopting the traditional vision
of God, Bill would create any description
of God that would make sense to him.
(This I believe is the crucial point to the
success of AA).
Bill remembered this idea. At a later time
in his life, Bill found himself committed to
a mental hospital yet again for his
drinking problem. He overheard his
doctor talking to his wife, saying that this
time Bill finally did it, and chances are his
brain will not recover from another
drinking spree, and if Bill were to get

drunk again, his life expectancy would
likely be less than a few months.

That is when Bill attempted to talk to
God in his hospital room, asking God to
save him. Then Bill claimed to have an

"intense spiritual experience" where he
saw a very bright white light, and he was

able to fall asleep.
It is a historical fact that Bill W. did stop
drinking after that day. When he left the
hospital, he went on to share his vision
with other alcoholics. Eventually, he
broke
away from the Oxford Group because its
membership was too broad, and created a

group designated specifically for
alcoholics.
Bill's followers went out and actively
began to share their story with other
alcoholics, and their membership grew to

about a thousand people. By that time,
the group existed for about 2-3 years,

allowing many of the members to get and
stay sober. That is when Bill W. wrote the
Big Book of AA, which was reviewed and
edited by the entire group, and later
published.
The book was not an overnight success,

but it did create a revolution in how the
world saw addiction and created one of
the most popular treatments for it – a 12
steps group. Hundreds of different
groups have adapted Bill's vision in one

way or another, and are using it to help
people overcome all kinds of different
problems from overeating to sex

addiction.
Let me bring you back a little to Alex's
story...
Remember how I shared in the last
chapter that I began to watch a lot of
horror movies during my relapse? Well, it
didn't stop there. As I continued to feed
my addiction, my behavior continued to
progressively get out of control.
The problem was not that Ididn't know
how to stop. The problem was that Ididn't
know how to manage my life if I did stop.
I knew that if I were to do an ERP practice,

Iwould not watch anything. I wanted to
watch it though; I wanted to watch it
really bad because I couldn't stand to
take the void, the emptiness that I was
feeling. I just had to make it go away, to

escape no matter what the price was.
At the same time, I realized that Icould
not rely on my addiction to take away

this void, but I just didn't know what else
to turn to. So I continued to try to
manage my addiction, through limited
exposures and "white lies" (as I saw them
at the time) to my girlfriend.
What I was actually doing was practicing
my addiction, and reinforcing some of the

negative beliefs that kept me trapped in
the first place.
As I progressed further into more intense
behaviors, I could no longer deny to
myself that I'd fallen off the wagon. I felt
desperate, I felt out of control, I felt like
I'd tried everything humanly possible, and
I didn't know what to do.
That is when I went back to the 12 steps
literature; I downloaded an audio book
version of the Big Book of AA, and
listened to it. And Ibought the idea. I
really felt like turning my life over to God,
however I understood God, was the only
thing that was left for me to do.
I still was facing one big problem though.

Should I tell my girlfriend about my
relapse? She was so happy with my
recovery; I didn't think I could hurt her
again. I told her that I was thinking of
attending a 12 steps meeting (AA like
meeting) for sex addicts, and she asked
me why I felt like I needed to go.
I reassured her (lied) that everything was

OK, and I just was curious to check it out.
Few days after that I was laying in bed,
thinking over what I was to do with my

life. I asked myself, what would God want
me to do? And instinctively I felt that God
would want me to tell the truth to my

girlfriend. That is when I made a decision
to tell her, to do what God would want
me to do, and hope that the rest will work

itself out.
After I made this decision, my anxiety
went away. I know it will sound cheesy,
but I also saw a white light in my inner
eye, I felt really happy and pure, and I
was able to quickly fall asleep.
Few days later I came clean to my

girlfriend, and few weeks after that I
made it to my first 12 steps meeting.
Since then, many things have changed. I
do not blindly believe everything that AA
tells me. I did a lot of my own research
(which I will share with you in future
posts), and found out that there were

many things that, I think, are wrong with
AA.
Nevertheless, the 12 steps approach
worked for me and is still very helpful
until this day.
No, it is not perfect, but it is good
enough. It is a powerful tool that helped
me to get sober and stay sober. And I am

confident that were it not for 12 steps, I
would not have been able to achieve any

long-term sobriety.
In the next chapter, I will share a little bit
more about my take on 12 steps
programs, and why I think it might be
important for you.

18. What is Wrong with 12 Steps
Groups, What is Right with 12 Steps
Groups
In the last chapter, I talked about my

experience during my relapse and how I
ended up in a 12 steps program. I also
suggested through my writing that the 12
steps approach might be beneficial for
you.
But at the same time I want you to be
very careful with 12 steps programs.

There are a lot of misconceptions and
straight out lies floating around this
program.
That is why I ask you to always
remember to take what works for you,

and leave the rest behind.
Let me first point out just some of the
things that I think are wrong with AA.
1. The 12 steps approach did not work
that well (in my opinion) for Bill W.
My biggest problem with Bill W. is that he
was (in my opinion) a sex addict. Here is a

quote from an interview conducted by F.
Hartigan with Tom Powers, the man
who helped Bill write his 2nd book, taken
out of Bill W., A Biography of Alcoholics
Anonymous Co-Founder Bill Wilson,
Francis Hartigan, 2000, pages 171-172.

"All the while we were working on the
'Twelve and Twelve,'" Tom said, "I would
argue with him, 'you're killing yourself.
And think about what you're doing to
Lois!"
Other people I spoke with insisted
that Lois never knew about Bill's affairs,
Tom insisted that "Lois knew everything
and she didn't have to guess about it,
either. A lot of people tried to protect her,
but there were others who would run to

Stepping Stones to tell Lois all about it
whenever they saw Bill with another
woman."
I asked Tom how Bill reacted when
Tom would insist that Bill's guilt over his
infidelities was responsible for his
depressions.
"I think that was the worst part of it,"
he said. "Bill would always agree with me.

'I know,' he'd say.
'You're right.' Then, just when
I would think we were finally getting
somewhere, he would say, 'But I can't
give it up.'
"When I would press him as to why
the hell not, he would start rationalizing.
What would really kill me is when he'd
say, 'Well, you know, Lois has always been
more like a mother to me.' Which
somehow was supposed to make it all
right for him to cheat on her."
Tom himself had also been sexually
compulsive even after he quit drinking,
and he found it very hard to change his
behavior.
Tom said that it took him five years
after he quit drinking to change his
behavior in this area, and for five years

after that, he tried to get Bill to change,
too. "Besides what he was doing to the
women he was chasing and to Lois, his
behavior was a huge source

of controversy in AA," Tom said. "He could
be very blatant about it, and there were

times when it seemed like the reaction to
a particularly flagrant episode would end
up destroying everything he had
worked for. But then people would scurry

around and smooth things over, or cover
it all up."
According to Tom, Bill's behavior
caused some of his most ardent admirers
to break with him. Eventually, Tom broke

with Bill, too.
"I told him that I still considered him
to be my sponsor, but that I didn't want to
work with him anymore. I said that I
hoped we could be friends, but I didn't
want to have anything more to do with
him publicly. Ijust couldn't go on feeling
as though I was in any way supporting
what he was doing to Lois – and to
himself.
"Bill said, 'Fine. I feel the same way

about you, too,' and we shook on it. As
though it were some mutually agreed
upon parting of the way, with fault on

both sides. Which was a real switcheroo,
you know. I think he knew that I saw right

through it, but I guess it made him feel
better not to have to take
responsibility for destroying what had
been a very enjoyable and productive
working relationship."
2. People are stuck in the past and accept
everything Bill W said blindly.
If you go to a 12 steps meeting, you will
find that a lot of people are religiously
reading 12 steps literature (just 2 books
really), turning to it as "THE SOURCE OF
KNOWLEDGE".
I like those books too. They have a lot of
good points in them. They helped me to

get sober. But they are far from perfect.
And I think it is important to look at them

in a historical perspective, considering
the authors who wrote them.
Additionally, I think that there many other
good books out there that are worth
reading and studying as well.
This point is also bad because people are

ignoring all of the scientific and spiritual
discoveries that were done by other
people in the past and in the present.
Last but not least, it forces people to
persistently repeat some of the beliefs
that are possibly wrong, which can have a

very scary effect when viewed in terms
of the A-B-C-D model.
3. Its scares people who are seeking help
away. Simply put, 12 steps meetings are a

little strange. They look like a cult, and it
scares people away, forcing them to
suffer on their own, until they get really
desperate for help. A lot of times, people
will not come back for help until after
they lost their marriage, jobs, or freedom
(got arrested).
There are, however, many things that I
think are right with 12 steps programs.
1. It is a social support group.
You are surrounded by people who are

going through exactly the same
experience that you are going through.
It is not uncommon for addicts to be
socially isolated. For many, including
myself, 12 steps groups become a safe
place, to learn to connect to others and
make friends.
2. Safe Group Therapy
There is a saying in 12 steps, you are only
as sick as your worst secrets. Yet you

cannot share some of your secrets with
anybody. 12 steps groups provide me with
a safe place to share exactly what is
going on in my life. I know that I can be
completely honest and that nobody will
judge me, and that most of the people
will be able to relate to my experience.
3. Moral Encouragement
Sometimes our addiction can be very
devastating, so it is very encouraging to
see others who were able to stay sober
for an extended period of time.
Additionally, 12 steps groups provide a

framework for you to monitor your own
progress. By giving you an opportunity to
announce the amount of time you were

sober, and celebrate your achievement.
4. Free Advice and Experience of Others
While I criticized 12 steps for only
reading out of 2-3 books, I want to praise
them for another tradition. Usually after

the reading is over, members get to
share. This part is extremely beneficial,
because you get to learn from other
people’s experience, and see what has
worked or did not work for them.
After the meeting, you get a chance to
interact with other members, which gives
you an opportunity to receive some

feedback on your personal struggles.
Additionally, most 12 steps members ask
a more experienced member to be their
sponsor, and through that they gain
access to somebody who has "been
there, done that".
5. The Infrastructure is Already in Place

12 Steps Groups are huge organizations;
they have thousands of in-person, phone,
and online meetings all over the world.
All of these meetings are organized
through mostly volunteer work and
donations.
In other words, there is no need to
re-invent the wheel. There is already a

support group of like-minded individuals
put in place that anybody can go to in
order to get help.
6. Provides a Structured Program of
Action
Twelve steps meeting are called 12 steps
for a reason. There is a structured
program of recovery that is put in place

that many members are advised to take.
Historically, Bill W. took 6 steps of the
Oxford Group and transformed these
with the help of his group members into
the 12 steps of AA.
Through the 50-plus years of AA and
other 12 steps groups’ existence, these
steps have been interpreted and
re-interpreted thousands of times by
thousands of people. This allowed them
to develop a series of very helpful
exercises.
So while in my opinion 12 steps groups

are far from perfect, they are definitely
good enough and provide a great tool
that we can use, in addition to everything
else, to help us maintain our recovery.
Next, I am going to walk you through the
basic structure of 12 steps meetings, so

that if you decide to visit one in the
future, you will know exactly what to
expect.
Have a wonderful and sober day!
19. 12 Steps – 101
Previously, I talked about some of the
benefits of 12 steps groups. Today, I want
to spend some time reviewing the basic
structure of 12 steps groups so you will be
prepared in case you decide to visit one

in the future.
Usually at the meetings, people are

seated in a circular formation, with one
person, a secretary, leading the meeting.
Before the meeting starts, the secretary
passes out a number of readings (single
sheets of paper) that the people will be
asked to read throughout the meeting.
The secretary starts the meeting by
greeting everybody and reading the
introduction. After this, he or she asks
somebody to read the "Preamble" (one
of the readings passed on earlier), as well
as "How it Works", "12 Steps", and "12
Traditions".
After the general reading is over, the

secretary might ask if there are any
visitors to the meeting. This is usually
anybody who is visiting from out of town,
or is new to the meeting but does not
consider himself to be a newcomer.
Afterwards, the secretary would ask all of
the newcomers to introduce themselves.
A newcomer is anybody who is in their
first 30 days of sobriety. So if you were

sober for 20 years, but then had a slip,
you are still considered to be a newcomer

for the first 30 days.
After the newcomers, everybody in the
room would introduce themselves. The
introduction is usually something like

this: "Hi, I am Alex and I am a Sex Addict."
After which everybody would say: "Hi
Alex."
After the introduction, the meeting can

take a number of forms, which usually
will be explained by the secretary.
One of the most common forms is for
one person to choose a reading for that
day (usually something from the Big Book
of AA or other approved literature). After
the reading is complete, the reader
would share his or her personal
experience with the reading, and the
reason why it was chosen.
After that, the secretary would say that
the meeting is now open for discussion,

and everybody starting from the left of
the reader would have a chance to share.
Share time is usually about 1-3 minutes.
Some of the meetings will have a

handheld hourglass that everybody is
passing around to help you keep track of
time.
Feel free to share anything when you get

your chance to share. It could feel weird
at first, but you will get used to it. If at
first you don't feel like sharing (which I
didn't for first few of my meetings), you

can simply say "Pass". After a while you
will get the feel for how the sharing
works, and will see the benefit of it.
Another thing that people do during their
shares is "getting current," meaning going

off-subject from the reading and telling
everybody about their personal struggles.
Talking about what is going on in your life
could be a great tool to help you clear up

your head.
One thing that is not allowed in 12 step
meetings is "Cross Talk". Meaning you

are not supposed to make any comments
or remarks about anything anybody said
during the meeting, unless you can do it
in very general terms during your share.
This is done to make sure that the
atmosphere of the meeting stays safe,
and that everybody feels comfortable
sharing. However, after the meeting is
over, it is completely acceptable to

approach any member and to relate any
comments that you might have.
About 10 minutes before the meeting is
over, the secretary will announce that the
time for sharing has ended and will ask
somebody to read "The Promises".
After that, the secretary would say

something like: "It is now the time to
practice 7th tradition" and you will see

everybody reaching for their wallets. The
7th tradition states that 12 steps groups

cannot be for profit, and will use
voluntary donation to pay for the rent and
other expenses. The usual donation is
about one or two dollars (that is US prices,
I am sure it costs a lot less in other
countries).
After that, the secretary will ask
everybody to join in for the Serenity
Prayer. That is when everybody will get
up, stand in the circle, hold hands, and
say a prayer together. This part could be
very weird at first, but you get used to it
after one or two meetings.
After the meeting is over, members are

free to go, but a lot of people stay to
interact. This interaction after the
meetings is perhaps one of the most
important parts of the program.
Most 12 steps programs have a website
where you can go to find their meeting
schedules, and other related information.
Sometimes they will call a meeting "open"

or "closed". "Open" means that anybody
can go to the meeting, but "closed" is
reserved only for people who consider
themselves to be addicts.
You do not have to go to a newcomers’
meeting, orientation or anything else like
that. All you have to do is show up at

whatever meeting makes sense for you.
Just walk in, and people will be very
helpful and will help you from there.
I am not sure how you feel about 12
steps groups by this point, but Iwould
like to challenge you a little.
By clicking this link, you will find a list of

phone meetings (or telemeeting as they
call them) for Sex Addicts Anonymous.
The times for the meetings are listed in
Pacific Standard Time, so you will have to
calculate the right time for your area.
I would encourage you to find one

meeting and call in.
Phone meetings are very similar to the
in-person meetings that I described
earlier. But in phone meetings, you really
don't have to do or say anything, you are

completely safe. All you have to do is call
in and listen (press * 6 to mute your

phone).
I think it will be a great experience for
you, and you will hear people from all

over the world who share a very similar
problem calling in and helping each other
stay sober.
I think in the next 3 days, you should be
able to find some time to call into at least
one meeting. Try to do that.
Warning: Right about now your brain will
begin to try to come up with an excuse.

Something like "I don't believe in God so I
shouldn't call" or "All these people are

Christian, and I am not, they will not
understand me" or "I don't need to call
this cult" or something else.
Call yourself on this excuse. You are not

making any lifetime commitments; you
are simply making this one phone call,
just to expose yourself to this tool. Just in
case you might need it. That is it, no

pressure, no commitments.
Just remember, take what works for
you, and leave the rest behind!
20. God's Will, or Awaken Your
Stronger Self
The more I read about recovery, the
more I observe the same phenomenon
being described over and over again in a

wide range of literature, ranging from
ancient Buddhist beliefs to modern day
self-help books.
This phenomenon has various names:
God, Energy of the Universe, Higher
Power, Observer within Us, and Our
Stronger Self. But in my opinion, all of
these attempt to describe one very

important concept that is crucial to our
well-being as humans.
I think this is happening because through
centuries, people are faced with very

similar struggles and they continue to
come up with very similar solutions.
In this chapter, I am going to make my

attempt to describe this phenomenon.
It is a very controversial subject. For most
of my life I kept my views to myself, and
was debating if I should do the same with

this course.
In the end, I decided to share because
this concept was crucial to my personal
recovery. That being said, please take
everything that I say with a grain of salt,
and if anything contradicts your current

beliefs, please ignore it.
For most of my life, I tried to be my own

manager. Imade decisions based on what
I wanted and what I felt was right for me.

It worked fairly well.
Surely I had shortcomings, but overall I
was not a bad person.
This model of self-management began to
really backfire on me when my addiction
began to escalate. The further I fell into
my addiction, the more I began to lose
my values and desire things that were not

reasonable or moral.
Nevertheless, I continued to look inside
of myself trying to figure out what I should
do with my life. I would ask things like
"What do I really want to do?", and would
proceed to base my life around the
answers that I got.
It took me 2 years of struggling and a

relapse to finally accept that "I" (my
wants), cannot be trusted to keep me

sober and happy, and that I must find a
new way to live my life.
That is when I was finally ready to make a

decision to live by "God's will". Which for
me literally translated into the following
commitment that I've made to myself.
From now on, I will not base my decisions
on what I think is right for me at the
moment, but rather based on what I feel
God would want me to do at the moment.
This is what I call living by God's will.
So how do I know what is God's will for
me?
I believe that every human being has an

ability to connect to God or to their
Stronger Self. Some people might call it

intuition and some people might call it
educated guess based on the prior
experience. I really don't know what it is.
But it is this little voice in my head, that
every once in a while tells me something
like "don't do this, you will regret it".
For me, living by God's will is a practice of
listening to this voice and doing what it
tells me to do. The more I learn to listen
to this voice, the stronger it gets.
I also believe that every human being has
a similar ability.
Don't get me wrong though. I am not able
to always listen to this voice. Sometimes I

tend to take "my will" back. Sometimes I
begin reasoning with God, saying things
like: "But God, you don't understand. I
really want to... it will be good for me".
Usually living by "my lower self-will"
results in my life getting a little bit out of
hand. Just enough for me to realize that
it is not working, and make me willing
once again to follow God's will.
When I do follow God's will, my life
seems to be working perfectly fine.
Take a moment to think back on your life.
Can you identify moments when your life
really seemed to work? Why did it work?
What were you doing differently?

There is another issue related to God
that I've struggled with in the past.
How could God let so many innocent
people die in accidents and wars?
For me, this could be explained by the
notion that living by God's will is not a

guarantee against anything negative
happening in my life. It is a guarantee,

however, that I will be proud of the way I
made use of whatever little time I had on

this planet.
That being said, I do believe that if I live
by God's will, my chances of having a

quality life will greatly improve.
After all, my self will just want "it all,

now, and forever". More money, more
power, more sex. And if Ispend my life
guided by those desires, it is very likely
that Iwill do something really stupid in
one way or another.
Living by God's will, feeding the right
wolf, makes chances of good, honest, and
quality life seem to be much more likely.
Likely, but not guaranteed.
In any case, I encourage you to not get

caught up in the terminology and look for
what works instead.
What is God's will for you? I believe that
only you can decide this for yourself.

But from where I stand, Ibelieve you
already have been following God's will
for the past three weeks. You are reading
this book. You are taking better care of
yourself. You are doing your ERP practice
(right?). You are doing things that help
you get and stay sober. And I am proud
of you!
In conclusion, I want to share something
that my sponsor in a 12 steps program

told me a long time ago.
"If your life doesn't work, it is because
you are trying to manage it yourself. Get
a new manager!"
In the next chapter, I am going to talk

about one very difficult decision that I
had to make, which allowed me to take
my recovery to a completely new level.
21. A Tough but Important Decision
In the last chapter, I mentioned a tough
decision that I had to make. That decision
was turning the control of my Internet
filter over to somebody else.
By that point Ihad used the filter for at
least a year, but I kept the password to
myself. I viewed the filter as a tool that I
could use to block out bad stuff whenever
I wanted it to be blocked.
Not surprisingly, every once in a while, I

would convince myself to take off the
filter for a seemingly good reason. Yet
when the filter was gone, Iwould end up

doing something that I did not
consciously plan on.
After a few slips, I finally was ready to
step my program of recovery up a notch.
One of the things that I realized Ihad to
do was to let somebody else manage my

password.
This decision provided 2 benefits:
1. Icould no longer disable the filter
when I was tempted. 2. I knew at all times
that IWILL BE accountable for my

actions.
Remember that saying that you are only
as sick as your secrets?
Having a filter and another person

monitoring my Internet use has taken the
anonymity out of my online presence.
I must say that I do occasionally find
myself around unfiltered computers, and
still manage not to act out. I am able to do
so because I have a completely different
frame of mind than when I use filtered
computers.
On unfiltered computers, I stay very

careful with my actions, because I know
that I am only one click away from making
a mistake.
When I am on my filtered computer, I
don't have to monitor my actions –
99.99% of the time the filter does its job,
so I am able to browse the healthy side
of the Internet without taking too much
risk.
Let me talk a little about the software
that I use:
For the filter, I use K9 Web Filter :
http://www1.k9webprotection.com/
This filter is completely free and works
really well. I keep it at default settings,
which blocks everything that needs to get

blocked. Additionally, the filter keeps a
detailed record of my Internet activity.
Last but not least, the filter is configured
to disable my access to the Internet,
between the hours of 11:30pm and 6:00
am, since I find this block of time to be
the most dangerous. It also helps me to

insure that I get a proper amount of sleep
everyday.
I also use Mozilla Firefox as my Internet
browser: http://www.mozilla.com/en-
US/firefox/firefox.html
The reason that I use Firefox is that it has
a very important add-on that can be
installed inside the browser – Addblock

Plus : https://addons.mozilla.org/en-
US/firefox/addon/1865/.
This add-on blocks most of the Internet
adds. This is very important because the
Internet marketers are very well aware of
the fact that sex sells, and they are trying
to use this knowledge as often as

possible.
When I had a work computer on which I
could not install Internet filter, I opted in
for the next best thing – accountability
software.
The program that I used was called
Covenant Eyes:
http://feedtherightwolf.nfshost.com/lin
k/CovenantEyes.php
This program is not free, it costs $8 per
month, but I believe it is worth the price.
The way this program works is that you

install it on your computer, and it tracks
your Internet use. Once a week,
Covenant Eyes emails a detailed report of
your Internet use to your accountability
partner.
There is a free alternative - X3 Watch:

http://x3watch.com/x3watch.html
But in my experience Covenant Eyes is a

much better program. It provides much
more accurate reports and it is much

more reliable. In other words, you get
what you pay for.
I advise you to take the next day to
experiment with all 3 programs. I am not
saying that you should give up your

privacy now. I simply want you to be
familiar with these programs, so you

know where to go if you ever need them
in the future.
In two days, I am going to share with you

one of the last pieces of knowledge that I
used in my recovery. It has to do with the
"feeling of emptiness inside of me" that I
have had since I was a teenager, and how
I was finally able to realize what was

causing this feeling.
Please let me know if you run into any
difficulty with the software.
22. The Emptiness Inside of Me, and
How to Fill It Up
In the last chapter, I mentioned a

condition that Icall "an Emptiness Inside
of Me". Let me explain a little better what
I mean by that.
When I was a teenager in high school, I
got to listen to a presentation given by an

alcoholic. She talked to us about her
childhood and teenage years, how she
felt that she didn't belong to the world,
could not connect to others, and how she
felt this “emptiness” inside of her.

She then went on to tell that when she
first tried alcohol, she felt confident and
the feeling of emptiness disappeared.
She shared how slowly, over time, her
use of alcohol became excessive, and how
she was finally able to stop.
In the end, she summarized by telling us

to remember that alcohol was not the
answer to our problems.
I remember that after her presentation, I
was left wondering: you told us what the
problem was, and you told us what not to
do to solve it, but what should I do? How
can I fill this emptiness inside of me?

I come from a family of alcoholics, so I
knew that drugs and alcohol were not the
answer. Unknowingly, I developed a sex

addiction that provides me with a
different way to escape my feelings.
When I was able to stop my sexual
acting-out many years down the road, I
found myself re-experiencing the same

sense of emptiness inside of me. This
time, I needed to find a healthy way to

deal with those emotions.
But first I had to understand what was

causing these feelings of emptiness. The
book that helped me with that was

The Practicing Mind by Thomas Sterner.
The ideas described in the book are not

new. In actuality, the author simply took
old principles from Eastern philosophy
and applied them to the modern world.
Same principles, worded a little
differently, are seen through most of the
major religions. Nevertheless, there was

something about the author's
presentation that stood out for me.
EXPECTATIONS
Ever since, I've read books, watched
movies and commercials, and listened to
stories of others about how life was

supposed to be. The result is that I have
developed a certain set of expectations
of the way I would be "when I grow up".
The problem was not that Ihad

expectations in and of itself, but rather
the kind of expectations that I had. I
wanted to be perfect. Iwanted to do
everything right
the first time. Every time something went
wrong, I assumed that I just was not

talented at it, and quit.
By the time Ibecame a teenager, I began
to feel "worthless" since I was not able to
live up to my own expectations.
I had pre-defined expectations towards
how my life was supposed to be, but life
was unfolding on its own terms, and I just
did not know how to handle it.

So I felt pain, and I tried to self medicate
myself through watching movies,
pornography, and spending more time on

the Internet – anything to get my mind off
reality.
I did everything I could to give myself a

chance to start over. I changed schools,
countries, girlfriends, joined the military,
hoping that every new endeavor would
finally fix me. But no matter what I did,
eventually I would find myself back in
square one – disappointed and unhappy
with myself.
What I didn't realize was that I already
was perfect this whole time. Perfect at
being myself.
Let me ask you a question, at what time
is a dog perfect at being a dog? Is it
perfect when it is just a puppy? Or is it
perfect when it is fully grown? Or is it
perfect when it is old, calm, and wise?
It is a funny question. A dog is always
perfect at being a dog. It might change its
appearance based on the stage of life it is
in, but it is not getting any better or

worse. It is just being a dog.
It's the same case with me. I am perfect
at being myself. I am pretty bad at being
Superman, Batman, Bruce Lee, or Bill
Gates. But I am perfect at being Alex.
The reason that I "failed" at everything is
because I never really took the time to
practice it. Whenever I would try to learn
a new skill, let’s say playing a guitar, I
never had the patience to practice. I
would try playing, having pre-defined
expectations of where I wanted to be.
After a while, I would compare the music
that I was producing to the results that I
was hearing and get discouraged and stop
practicing altogether.
In other words, I was only interested in
the result, knowing how to play a guitar,
and viewed the required process of
practice, as an unwanted sacrifice that I
had to deal with in order to get the result
that I wanted.
Therefore, the key to a successful
practice is to have a proper set of
expectations. Instead of expecting certain
results, it is better to simply expect
yourself to be fully emerged in the
process of learning.
It is amazing how my experience with
learning changed by simply changing my

expectations. What used to be a painful,
boring task transformed into something
easy and fun. Since my only expectation
was to be emerged in the process, Icould
constantly meet my expectations, by
simply doing what I was doing. And it felt
good too.
Life is a Journey, not a Destination. We all

have heard it before, the trick is to apply
it.
In 12 steps, they say progress and not
perfection. I would add process and not
perfection or process and not results. If
you keep engaging in the process, the
results will take care of themselves.
This is not an easy task. As with other
techniques that we've discussed, I
constantly have to bring them back into
my awareness, and continue to practice
them. My life seems to get quickly out of
control as soon as I let it run on autopilot.
I will summarize all of the techniques that
we talked about in the next chapter, and

try to point you to a number of other
resources that you can use to further
enhance your recovery.
23. Thank You for Your Time! Course
Summary Inside
We have reached the end of this course. I
am very thankful for you taking time and
reading everything I had to say.
I want to summarize everything that
we've talked about up to this point, also
to point you in the right direction so you

can continue your journey of recovery.
Summary
In our course, we've talked about:
 Chemical Changes that Take Place

Inside an Addict's Mind  The Addictive
Cycle and Point of No Return
 Triune Brain Model and How it Affects
Our Decision Making  A Small Thing
that You Can Do Every Day to Strengthen
Your Thinking Brain
(Journaling, Delaying Gratification,
Delaying Your Actions, and Breathing) 

Exposure and Response Prevention
Technique
 Sexual Recovery Plan
 A Strategy of Using as Many Different
Techniques as You Can at the Same
Time to Break Free
 A-B-C-D-E Model (Activating Event,

Belief, Consequence, Debate, Exercise) 
Some of the Most Common Beliefs that
Kept me Trapped  Mini-ERP and How to
Deal with Small Triggers
 Understanding Why Some Days are
more Triggering than Others  An
Exercise to Help us Create a Vision for the
Rest of Our Lives  Introduction to 12
Steps Groups
 "God's Will" or "Our Stronger Self"
Concept
 Filtering and Accountability Software 

How Expectations Affect Our Quality of
Life
What to Do Next?
Below, I am going to outline some of my

suggestions to help you maintain your
recovery.
Establish a Daily Routine
This could include all of the things that
we've talked about before  Healthy

Eating
 Proper Hydration
 Proper Rest
 Exercising
 Meditation
 Journaling
 Making Phone calls to Friends in
Recovery
 Going to Religious or Spiritual Groups
 Anything Else You Can Think of that is
Healthy
I would like to recommend one book that
is a great help in my Daily Practice. It’s

called Answers in the Heart. It has short
passages for every day of the year, and it
helps me to get my brain in the right
mindset every morning.
Social Support
Get actively involved in a social group. I
would highly recommend a 12 steps
program, but if it doesn't work for you

there is plenty of other options that you
can turn to. It could be a religious group,
Toastmasters group, a men's or
women's club. All of this will work, but
the groups have to meet at least once a

week, and there has to be a lot of new
people around you.
Use this group to practice your social
skills. I know you probably don't feel like
doing it, but that is exactly why you

should do it! True changes only happen
when we get out of our comfort zone.
My sponsor in 12 steps asked me to

commit to going to at least 3 meetings a
week, and calling 2 people every day.
When Iasked him how long I had to do it
for, he said until you want to do it.
My sponsor was right, when I got over

the social anxiety and gained experience
of interacting with others, social groups

became fun.
Reading
Reading really is the key. We live in a

world where information is greatly
available. If you have a problem with
anything, chances are somebody already
had a similar problem, figured it out, and
wrote a book about it.
And I don't just mean books related to
addiction.
Now that you are no longer completely
blinded by your addiction, you will begin
to notice other problems popping up in
your life, that you previously were too

busy to pay attention to.
Instead of trying to figure them out

yourself, try to get a few good books on
the subject, and read them first. Chances
are it will make your life a lot easier.
I am going to recommend one book to
you that I think will be very beneficial.
The Practicing Mind
I have talked about this book but barely
scratched the surface. I love this book,
and it was very helpful for me. Do not get
the audio book though. This book was

meant to be read not listened.
Other Recovery Programs
1. Recovery Nation
This is a free web-based program. It was
created by a sex addict in recovery who
already passed away, but the site is
maintained by his followers. It is a good
recovery spot on the Internet.
2. Candeo Can
This program costs $47 per month, and it
covers a lot of the similar material already
enclosed in this course. But it does so in
video lectures, going in a little bit more

detail, and the program is created by real
doctors. If you can afford the payment, I
would recommend it as a good way to

reinforce some of the basics already
learned in this course.

3. 12 Steps Groups
I know I already mentioned it in the social
groups section, but 12 steps also have a

program of recovery aspect to it. It is free
and it is in person. You get to choose a

sponsor who has been sober for a very
long time. And it is very insightful. It is a 2
in 1deal (social and recovery), and I
highly recommend it.
That is it :) This is the end of the course.
Thank you so much for your time! If you

want to stay updated, make sure to sign
up for my email list.
Meanwhile, I wish you all of the best in
your new life!

Your friend in recovery,
Alex

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1. The Learning Begins

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58 22. The Emptiness

Inside of Me, and How

1. The Learning Begins

Pornography Use, Mark B. Kastleman

(founder of Candeo Can program)

provides a very detailed description of the

process that takes place inside a

is designed to work in a healthy sexual

relationship. Then he compares it to

activity during the pornography viewing

He describes both processes as "going down

the funnel". The top of the funnel represents

our normal state of mind, where we are

on around us. As we begin to engage in a

to narrow down, until the sexual climax is

reached. After that, we begin to slowly

return to our normal, wider view of the

The author also provides a detailed

description of internal chemicals that are

following excerpts from The Drug of the

The Narrowing Process of the

In a healthy marital relationship,

sexual intimacy creates powerful

emotional, and chemical changes: