Love Notes

Marriage and Family Life

taught by Sheikh Yasser Birjas

The Master Reference

v. 1.1
Coming to Qabeelat Nurayn
by means of Qabeelat Tayybah

November 2007

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Forward:

By the Grace of Allah (swt), then through the generosity of Qabeelat

Tayybah, I am honored to present to you, the student, with the official Love
Notes for Qabeelat Nurayn. Much effort has been put forth into these
master notes to assure an authentic source of study for the exam, as has
become a sunnah of our Qabeelah. In addition to being a study source, this
document is designed to be a standalone document designed to benefit the
seeker of knowledge. The brothers who fundamentally compiled the notes for
Tayybah are:

● Waleed Tawfik
● Ammar Adam
● Tayyib Zaman

These brothers have requested you to make sincere du'a for them. Please do
so. And while you're at it, it would be nice for you to keep yours truly in
your du'as as well! (Amir Yunas)

These notes have not been left in its original form. Some additions
have been made to these notes for the sake of adding some Nurayn flavor.
It is known that no two classes are ever exactly the same. Therefore, some
unique points and gems specific to our class will be found in this document,
insha'Allah t'ala.

With that, I hope that each and every one of you benefits immensely from
these notes for the sake of Allah alone. Ameen.

JazzakumAllahu Khairan

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Table of Contents
• Forward:............................................................................................................2
• Mission:.............................................................................................................5
• Introduction........................................................................................................6
• Classic Islamic Works on Love:.................................................................7
• Common Problems Facing Muslims in the West:.....................................7
• Preface: The Faqeeh of Love........................................................................8
• The Zhahiri Madhhab....................................................................................9
• Chapter 1: Jesting about Love.....................................................................12
• Islam and Love ..............................................................................................12
• Muslim scholars on the theories of love ......................................................14
• Love and Images............................................................................................16
• Ruling of Love ...............................................................................................18
• The Story of Yusuf ......................................................................................20
• Falling in Love .............................................................................................21
• What Harms Love? ......................................................................................22
• Khadija or Aisha?.........................................................................................24
• Chapter Two: The Earnestness of Love.....................................................25
• Family Life – Basic Principles.................................................................25
• Structures and Rules......................................................................................27
• The Greatest Women......................................................................................29
• Marriage: The Definition............................................................................30
• The first marriage: Adam and Hawwa .......................................................30
• Marriage before Islam...................................................................................31
• Wisdoms behind Polygamy............................................................................34
• Heterosexuality or Homosexuality? ...............................................................34
• Islam and celibacy...........................................................................................36
• Legal Definition of Marriage ....................................................................37
• The Purpose of Marriage.............................................................................37

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• Characteristics desirable in the Groom.........................................................40
• Selecting a Prospective Spouse....................................................................42
• Class Activity: Delaying Marriages........................................................46
• The Procedure of Selecting a Bride............................................................46
• The Procedure of Selecting a Groom............................................................47
• Looking At One's Prospective Bride.......................................................52
• Questionable Ways.........................................................................................53
• Consequences of a Marriage Contract.........................................................53
• Chapter 3 - Marital Rights...........................................................................56
• Gender Equity in Islam..................................................................................56
• Rights and Obligations..................................................................................59
• The Rights of Spouses.................................................................................60
• The Rights of the Husband...........................................................................60
• The Rights of the Wife.................................................................................63
• Life of Rasulullah.........................................................................................65
• Chararcteristics of his (pbuh) Marriage Life............................................65
• Chapter 4- An-Nushooz: Marital Discord............................................73
• What causes Marital Discord?..................................................................74
• The different categories of marriage..............................................................74
• She Loves Me? He Loves me Not? ....................................................75
• Chapter 5 - The Languages of Love...........................................................77
• Men are From Makkah, Women are from Madinah..............................79
• Languages of Love........................................................................................82
• Public display of Affection...........................................................................85
• Final advice.....................................................................................................86

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Mission:

Understand the meaning of love and its rulings from an Islamic

perspective.
Recognize the Mercy and Wisdom of Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala
Who laid down rules for marriage and the treatment of one’s spouse.
Understand how Islam protects and nurtures love between a male and
a female through the institution of marriage.
Know how love and compassion played key roles in the life of the
Prophet Muhammad, salla Allahu alayhi wa sallam, and his example
as a husband and a family man.
Understand the reasons behind the status and importance of marriage
and the family unit in Islam.
Search for the most desirable characteristics in a prospective spouse
and know the correct procedures for pursuing someone you are
interested in marrying.
Know the rights and obligations of each spouse and how to work
together to achieve a household full of love and mercy.

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 ‫ ﻭﺍﻟﺼﻼﺓ ﻭﺍﻟﺴﻼﻡ ﻋﻠﻰ ﺭﺳﻮﻝ ﺍﷲ‬،‫ﺍﳊﻤﺪ ﷲ‬

Introduction

It is natural for people fall in and out of love and romance. It happens all around us.
Love is one of the most talked about subjects in the media. A short while ago there was
the incident of the female astronaut and the love triangle that ultimately led to murder.
Walk the streets of Manhattan and you’ll see people committing suicide just because of
lost love.

Muslims and Love

Views on love in the Muslim community range from the extremely liberal (love is good
and everything related is ok prior to marriage) to the extremely conservative (love is bad or
the groom is only allowed to see his bride on the night of the wedding!). Love, however, is
a topic that is not really discussed in the masjids and is greatly misunderstood. Love, in
reality, is one of the main things provided by Islam.
Can you ask your local Imam however: “I’m in love, please help me”?

Source of Guidance on Love:

The Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) provides many solutions for relationship issues.
‘Aisha was the most beloved to him. He fell in love with her when he was in his fifties.

Narrated Abu Uthman: “Allah's Apostle sent 'Amr bin Al As as the commander
of the troops of Dhat-us-Salasil. 'Amr bin Al-'As said, "(On my return) I came to
the Prophet and said, 'Which people do you love most?' He replied, 'Aisha.' I said,

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'From amongst the men?' He replied, 'Her father (Abu Bakr)'. I said, 'Whom (do you
love) next?' He replied, "Umar.' Then he counted the names of many men, and I became
silent for fear that he might regard me as the last of them” (alBukhari).

The above testimony of the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) occurred when he was in his
50's! The prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) is a human being just like us. His wives even
used to perform practical jokes on him!

Classic Islamic Works on Love:

1. ‫ﻃﻮﻕ ﺍﳊﻤﺎﻣﺔ‬
Tawk ul-Hamamah- The Ring of the Dove-
Ibn Hazm (may Allah have mercy on him)

2. ‫ﺭﻭﺿﺔ ﺍﳌﺤﺒﲔ ﻭﻧﺰﻫﺔ ﺍﳌﺸﺘﺎﻗﲔ‬

The Garden of the Lovers- Ibn Qayyim (may Allah
have mercy on him)

3. ‫ﲢﻔﺔ ﺍﻟﻌﺮﻭﺱ‬
TuHfat al-Aroos By Mahmoud Al-Istanbuli

You are never too old or young to learn about love. Know however, that with love and
marriage comes responsibility. Many young men fail to show proper responsibility when
they over occupy their time with video games: PS3 or Wii.

Common Problems Facing Muslims in the West:

 New reverts wanting to marry a person who was born into Islam. Many
families might look down on cross-cultural marriages such as these.
 Parents looking for sons and daughters in law and not allowing any room for
compromise.
 Not proceeding properly with searching for a spouse: For example, questionable
'matrimonial' sessions that could just as easily be called “speed dating'.
 Delaying Marriages. Brothers are delaying marriages and they remain single.
Same thing happens with the sisters. If you ask them, they are desperate to get
married and are awaiting proposals.

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  Excessive feminism-Feminism in and of itself is not wrong, but culturally it has
become a movement against the male society --i.e. men should not control anything

Preface: The Faqeeh of Love

Imam Ibn Hazm Al-Andalusee

(384 H – 456 H) 994 CE– 1064 CE
A Dove from Andalusia

Every traditional scholar is more than just a serious fatwa giver as may be contrary to
popular opinion. In fact, some of the ulamah have said, “If you don't experience love,
you're not a normal human being.” Ibn Hazm (may Allaah have mercy on him) is an
example. His name is Ali ibn Ahmad ibn Hazm Al-Andulusi

“If you have not love and don't know what love is, then stand up and eat some hay because
you're a donkey.' -statement of a scholar

The Other Face of the Imam

1. The life of the Imam
Ibn Hazm was brought up in Cordoba, Spain (Andalusia) in the year 384 H. His
father was a very rich minister in the court of Spain. Ibn Hazm enjoyed the wealth of
his family and lived a luxurious life. He began his Islamic education in his late 20’s
and early 30’s. His time was during a time of turmoil for Islamic Spain. The
Ummayads were falling, and the Abbassids were on the rise.

2. The many different characters of Ibn Hazm

Ibn Hazm was a great faqeeh and minister, but first and foremost, a human being. He
wrote books on Aqeedah, Fiqh, Tafseer, and Different Sects. According to his
son, he wrote more than 80,000 pages in his own handwriting! he is known to have
left the largest amount of writings out of all islamic scholars with the exception of
Imam Tabbari (May Allah have mercy on them both). Of his writing on the topic
of love were:

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 Tawq ul-Hamaamah: The Ring of the Dove and Mudaawaat an-Nufus: The
Healing of the Souls.

He was born as a follower of the Shafi' madhab. and is known for reviving the
Zhahiri madhhab. Ibn Hazm is one of the great scholars of our deen not just a great
scholar of his generation. One of his contemporaries said the tongue of Ibn Hazm
and the sword of Al-Hajjaj are like twin brothers. He would speak very harshly in
his writings at times. But when it came to the topic of love, his writings would be
very sensitive and emotional.

The Zhahiri Madhhab

 Focuses on apparent meaning of the text without reasoning behind it (‫)ﻋﻠﺔ‬. The
belief is that the Arabic language used in a hadith or Quran is sufficient for
deriving all rulings and principles.
o Ex: Praying in congregation in the Masjid is a pillar of Salaah based on
this Hadeeth:

Abu Huraira reported: “There came to the Apostle of Allah (Peace Be Upon Him)
a blind man and said: Messenger of Allah, I have no one to guide me to the mosque.
He, therefore, asked. Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) permission to say
prayer in his house. He (tee Holy Prophet) granted him permission. Then when the man
turned away he called him and said: Do you hear the call to prayer? He said: Yes. He
(the Holy Prophet then) said: Respond to it” (Muslim).

3. The Passions’ of the Imam

He wrote an autobiography entitled: “The healing of the Souls.” In it, he talks about
his connection with the Andalusian women of his time in addition to his own love
story.

4. Women in the life of Ibn Hazm

We don’t know anything about him and his wife. We don’t even have a record of him
getting married, although he had a son.

5. The incomplete love story: Ibn Hazm & Qahramana

You could feel the pain in his writing because how he fell in love with Qahramana
then lost contact with her. He met her again many years later then lost her. After many
years he found her but her appearance had changed due to her problems and sorrow.

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6. The views of Ibn Hazm on Love
Ibn Hazm becomes soft when talking about love; he doesn’t seem like the strict faqeeh
that some imagine him to be. He believes that souls are scattered matters in heaven that
meet and descend to earth and join together as soul mates. His theory of love is based
on assimilations and similarity in characteristics between lovers; the first part is
jesting and the last part is earnestness.

Ibn Hazm's famous statement on the ruling (hukm) of love:

“Love is neither disapproved by Religion nor prohibited by law, for every heart is in
Allah’s hands.”

Love is not about physical attraction but it starts with it. Love just happens; it is
natural.

He also talks about noble love – passions of heart with righteousness and piety.
Since he is a Zhahiri, he takes the literal meaning of love as noble love not lustful
love. He considers love as a sickness or an ailment; its remedy depends on the degree or
severity of love from each side.

Ibn Hazm says that love is natural, but can Allah test us with this?
Yes, Allah always tests us to see our obedience to him.

Question: Do we have control over falling in love, I mean, afterall, Allah controls
the hearts, right?
This is a trick question. The answer is YES and NO. If we follow the
commands of Allah and lower our gazes and avoid useless conversation with the
opposite gender, then we will never even open the door to falling in love. But let's say
that we carelessly look around and then catch glimpse of an incredibly attractive brother
or sister. It might be love at first sight even. Because you allowed yourself that
glance, you now find yourself in love and unable to control it. So you don't have
control of how your heart reacts to the opposite gender, but you do have control over
open the door of possibility to begin with. This is the opinion of Ibn Al-Qayyim
(may Allah have mercy on him). He believes Love is by choice first, then by force.
If you allow your emotions to go, then there is no control.

7. A critique of Ibn Hazm’s: The Ring of the Dove or ‫‘ ﻃﻮﻕ ﺍﳊﻤﺎﻣﺔ‬

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 It was a personal letter in response to a friend, written in 417 Hijri/1027 A.D. It
is composed of 30 chapters and 4 sections.
Full name: Ring of The Dove – A treatise on the art and practice of Arab love.
The ring symbolizes a collar around the neck and the dove carries the meaning of love
and passion. The ring is a symbol of beautification. The ring is also a symbol of
obedience. When Arabs talk about love, they talk about pigeons/doves.
Ibn Hazm was 34 years old when he wrote it. It also includes incidents and events of
his lifetime as well as Spain’s history. It is full of puzzling poetry. The last few
chapters are a promotion of chastity and piety.

“Love –may Allah exalt you! - is in truth a baffling ailment, and its remedy is in
strict accord with the degree to which it is treated; it is a delightful malady, a most
desirable sickness. Whoever is free of it likes not to be immune, and whoever is
struck down by it yearns not to recover. Love represents as glamorous that which
a man formerly disdained, and renders easy for him that which he hitherto found
hard; so that it even transforms established temperaments and inborn dispositions”
(Ibn Hazm).

Question: What is the ruling on Valentine’s Day?

Indeed, festivals are one of the most unique features that distinguish various religions
and among their most prominent symbols. Allah says:
“To each among you, We have prescribed a law and a clear way” (Qur’an 5:48)

Celebrating Valentine’s Day is haraam. It is not permissible for Muslims to follow

the celebrations of the non-Muslims.

Why don’t we have an Ibn Hazm’s day?

Everyday for you should be Ibn Hazm’s day!

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Chapter 1: Jesting about Love
It is funny how many of us like joking about love and falling in love. This might even
occur between two potential spouses until they actually find themselves in Love! To
begin, know that Love is not something to joke about or take lightly. It is one of the
miraculous signs of Allah (swt).

ً‫ﻭَﻣِﻦْ ﺁﻳَﺎﺗِﻪِ ﺃَﻥْ ﺧَﻠَﻖَ ﻟَﻜُﻢ ﱢﻣﻦْ ﺃَﻧﻔُﺴِﻜُﻢْ ﺃَﺯْﻭَﺍﺟًﺎ ﻟﱢﺘَﺴْﻜُﻨُﻮﺍ ﺇِﻟَﻴْﻬَﺎ ﻭَﺟَﻌَﻞَ ﺑَﻴْﻨَﻜُﻢ ﻣﱠﻮَﺩﱠﺓً ﻭَﺭَﺣْﻤَﺔ‬
َ‫ﺇِ ﱠﻥ ﻓِﻲ ﺫَﻟِﻚَ ﻵَﻳَﺎﺕٍ ﻟﱢﻘَﻮْﻡٍ ﻳَﺘَﻔَ ﱠﻜﺮُﻭﻥ‬
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves,
that you may find repose in them, and He has put between you love and mercy. Verily, in
that are indeed signs for a people who reflect” (Qur’an 30:21)

In Surah ar-Rum, Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala states that His creation of men and
women as mates to one another is a sign and favor over His creation. Throughout the
Surah, He states the creation of the heavens and the earth and how they stand by His
command also as signs of his creation. Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala has drawn a parallel
between these magnificent signs in the Universe and his creation of men and women as
mates to one another. Love is also a sign of His Lordship, as important as that as the
creation of the entire universe.

Love Transforms Itself

Love has a number of stages throughout which it transforms itself. It starts off as
passionate love then it transforms itself when the wife becomes pregnant and then
transforms once again when there is children. When that passionate love goes away,
people think that love no longer exists between the spouses but what happens in fact is that
love transforms itself. The most common understanding of love is passionate love but there
are other forms of love.

Islam and Love

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The Messenger of Allah (Peace Be Upon Him), speaking about his wife Khadijah,
said, "Verily, I was blessed with love for her” (Muslim). it could be read as “I was
blessed with her love.” The scholars differ on which one is intended.

The type of love that the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) is speaking about is passionate
love.

1. Love: The Definition

 Noun or verb- a strong positive regard or affection.
 Sexual desire.
 A feeling of intense affection without restriction, given freely without condition.
 A score of 0:0 in tennis

The word for ‘love’ in Arabic is ‫ﺣﺐ‬

The root of the word are the letters ‫ﺡ ﺏ‬
 ‫ ﺡ‬comes from deep in the throat, just like love which can be very deep and
sometimes love is so deep it makes you choke; the sigh of love.
 ‫ ﺏ‬comes from the lips and it's a very soft letter; one of the easiest letters in
Arabic to pronounce.
o When you say the ‫ ﺏ‬it's like making a kiss and a kiss is a manifestation
of love

2. The nature of love

 There are been different views over time what love actually is-
 Love is physical interaction between a man and a woman
 Love is a philosophical idea
 Love is psychological, one convinces themselves that they are in love
 Love is spiritual; it is about finding your soul mate
 Love is intellectual; love is an intellectual process
 Most define love as sentiments and feelings towards someone else

Can love be a sickness? – according to Non-Muslim scholars YES. Some Muslim

philosophers agreed.

 There is also moral or religious love such as ones love for Allah subhaanahu wa
ta'aala and the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him).

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  Also one’s love for fellow Muslims when you love them for the sake of Allah
subhaanahu wa ta'aala
 In this seminar, we are more concerned about passionate love

Tip: To keep your marriage successful, don't tell your spouse you love them for the Sake
of Allah since it is natural that people in a marriage desire passionate love.

3. Muslim scholars on the theories of love

Imam Muhammad al-Ghazali(May Allah have mercy on him)

 Wrote about love in his book Ihya'ul ulum al-din, "Revival of Religious
Sciences" in a chapter called Adaab an-Nikaah or “The Etiquettes of
Marriage”.
 He spoke of the relationship between man and woman.
 He spoke more about moral love. During his time people exaggerated their moral
love for the Divine. Imam Ghazali put restrictions on this concept.
 He also writes about the great fitna when you take love to an extreme passion, as
the extreme Sufis would do.
 The book was also a critique on Wahdat ul-Wujud (unity with the Divine)

Al-Jahedh (d. 869 CE)

 He was one of the heads of the Mu’tazilah. An extreme intellectual.
 He wrote two books:
o Kitab ul-Qeeyan The Book of the Female Singers; similar to the female
celebrities we have today
o Kitab ul-Ghilman-The Book of Male Celebrities

 He was not considered to be righteous. He was socially rejected. He was

physically ugly. Ex. One time a woman wanted to have a ring made with an image
of shaitan. The goldsmith asked her, “What does shaitan look like?” So she came
looking for him and took him back to the goldsmith and said “Just like him”.
 He died when his library collapsed on him.

Imam Ibn Hazm

 He explained in Tawq al-Hamaamah that love does not start on earth but on heaven
 Souls meet in the upper universe before they meet on earth. He said:

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 “Love is scattered parts of souls in the universe. Souls would meet in upper
universe, before you meet on earth.” This established during the meethaq that all
souls made with Allah testifying that Allah is our Lord.

َ‫ﺧﺬَ ﺭَ ﱡﺑﻚَ ﻣِﻦ ﺑَﻨِﻲ ﺁﺩَﻡَ ﻣِﻦ ﻇُﻬُﻮﺭِﻫِﻢْ ﺫُﺭﱢﻳﱠﺘَﻬُﻢْ ﻭَﺃَﺷْﻬَﺪَﻫُﻢْ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺃَﻧﻔُﺴِﻬِﻢْ َﺃﻟَﺴْﺖ‬ َ َ‫ﻭَﺇِﺫْ ﺃ‬
َ‫ﻦ ﻫَﺬَﺍ ﻏَﺎﻓِﻠِﲔ‬
ْ َ‫ﺑِﺮَﺑﱢﻜُﻢْ ﻗَﺎﻟُﻮ ْﺍ ﺑَﻠَﻰ ﺷَﻬِﺪْﻧَﺎ ﺃَﻥ ﺗَﻘُﻮﻟُﻮﺍْ ﻳَﻮْﻡَ ﺍﻟْﻘِﻴَﺎﻣَﺔِ ﺇِﻧﱠﺎ ُﻛﻨﱠﺎ ﻋ‬
“When thy Lord drew forth from the children of Adam -- from their loins -- their
descendants, and made them testify concerning themselves (saying): "Am I not
your Lord (who cherishes and sustains you)?" They said: "Yea! we do testify!"
(This), lest ye should say on the Day of Judgment: "of this we were never
mindful" (alQur’an 7:172).

 This theory is based on the following Hadith:

Allah's Apostle (peace be upon him) said: “Souls are troops collected together and those
who familiarized with each other (in the heaven from where these come) would have affinity
with one another (in the world) and those amongst them who opposed each other (in the
Heaven) would also be divergent (in the world)” (Muslim).

 This theory has been rejected by most scholars and we should not give this theory
too much weight

Muhammed ibn Yusuf Al-Aamiree (d. 922 CE)

Book: The Happiness in the life of Human Beings

 He wrote about Human Behavior in general. Some chapters were dedicated to love
and his theory of love though. His theory on love was mostly philosophical. At his
time, philosophy became the prominent culture.

Imam Muhammad Ibn Dawood Az-Zhahiri (died 9th Century Hijri)

 Son of the founder of the Zhahiri madhhab.(The literalist school). He can be
considered an early anthropologist.
 He contributed much to theory of love. He studied how Banu Udrah viewed and
practiced love. Banu Udrah was a tribe known for their strong intimate

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 relationships. They would fall passionately in love. They may die from love &
heartbreaks. They had very soft hearts that once overwhelmed with love, it
collapses.
 He studied this tribe extensively and recorded 100 attributes of love according to
this tribe.
 He recorded all this in his book Az-Zuhra fee Akhbaar Bani Udrah

Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah (student of Ibn Taymiyyah)

 His book Raudatul Muhibbeen or The Garden of the Lovers -like an encyclopedia
of love
 He gathered all the theories of love from all the Muslim Scholars
 His theory is based on what all the previous scholars have said
 His view is that Love is about compatibility, similarities, similar characteristics
and interests -the more in common you share with someone the more in love you will
be in love.
 Theory of compatibility and similarities -this is the most popular theory amongst
scholars
 Love is by Choice First, then by Force. You choose to allow your emotions to
go, then there is no control.

4. Love and Images

Fairy Tales such as Cinderella have played an important role

in shaping people's views on what love is. In these Fairy
Tales, love is all about beauty and physical attraction: the prince
sees the girl and falls in love without even knowing her; they get
married and "live happily ever after". The story always ends with the couple getting
married and that's literally when the love ends. These fairy tales are based on a
false concept of love where image is all that matters.
 Ibn Hazm states that Allah created human beings in the best example: perfection,
so beauty in the mind of human beings is a sign of perfection, and everyone in this
life is looking for perfection.
 When we say "beautiful" we mean it's perfect.
 Ibn Hazm also mentions in Tawq ul Hamamah, "The soul, -itself being beautiful-
is affected by all beautiful things, and has a yearning for perfect symmetrical
images whenever it sees any such image, it fixes itself upon it; then, if it discerns
behind that image something of its own kind, it becomes united and true love is
established. If however the soul does not discover anything of its own kind behind

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 the image, its affection goes no further than the form, and remains mere carnal
desire."
 Beauty is relative: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".
What may be ugly for one person may attract another person,
and vice versa.

 Sometimes opposites attract. That can really affect what you think is beautiful.
For example, fire and ice: if you hold ice in your hands and squeeze it hard enough,
it will give a burning sensation, just like fire. So opposites can be so opposite that
they give the same effect.

5. Signs of Love
1. The brooding gaze. The eye is the gateway of the soul, and so they can basically
reveal your soul.
2. The lover will direct his conversation to his beloved.
3. The lover listens to his beloved's speech, and marvels at everything said- even if it
is nonsense.
4. The lover hurries to the spot where his beloved awaits him.
5. The lover is overcome by a sudden confusion when beloved comes suddenly upon
him.
6. The lover is abundantly and excessively cheerful at being close to his beloved. e.g in
the beginning, they use the "love seat" so that they can be near each other.
7. They engage in playful tug-o-war. For example, in the beginning the husband offers
to do the dishes, and the wife says, no, I'll take care of it. And they go back and
forth, back and forth, until the dish falls and breaks. Then they both smile, and the
husband offers to clean it up, and the wife says no, and they start all over again.
However, later, the husband doesn't even bother to ask, he just expects his wife to
do it, and if the dish breaks they start yelling at each other.
8. Leaning toward each other.
9. Touching. 'Aisha narrates that Rasulullah would grab the hand of his wives when
talking to them.
10.Drinking from the same cup, and touching the lips on the exact spot where the
beloved's lips touched. Rasulullah would grab a piece of meat that 'Aisha had
eaten from and then eat from the same spot as she. He would also grab her cup,

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 after she had finished drinking from it, and turn the cup around, and place his lips
on the exact spots her lips touched.

Ruling of Love
1. The ruling of love

Is falling in love halaal or haraam?

 “Love is neither disapproved by religion, nor prohibited by law. For every heart is
in Allah’s hands” (Ibn Hazm).
 Hukm: "Every heart is in Allah's Hands". You can't say halaal/haraam because it
happens and you cannot control it.
 One who falls in love should not be blamed. It is a sign of their perfection, and of
Allah's favors upon them.
 Natural love is allowed; however, if it goes into the realm of worship, it is
criticized.
 If you don't experience love, then get up and go eat some hay, for you're a donkey!

Does love happen by choice or by force; and will you be held accountable for it?

 The primary stages of love are usually by choice; you choose to take this
path, e.g.by looking (you can fall in love with an image).
 When you allow yourself to fall in love with someone, it then becomes by
force because you cannot help it. Allah is in control of your heart.
 At this point, love is something you can't control. You will only be held
accountable for that which you can control.
 If we make a choice to do something haraam because of "love", then we will
definitely be held accountable.
 If the love occurred totally by force, e.g. you fell in love with someone you
were going to marry, however it did not work out; then it is a test of
patience. Observe piety and righteousness, and may Allah help you.

2. Love in the Qur'an and Sunnah

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ً‫ﻭَﻣِﻦْ ﺁﻳَﺎﺗِﻪِ ﺃَﻥْ ﺧَﻠَﻖَ ﻟَﻜُﻢ ﱢﻣﻦْ ﺃَﻧﻔُﺴِﻜُﻢْ ﺃَﺯْﻭَﺍﺟًﺎ ﻟﱢﺘَﺴْﻜُﻨُﻮﺍ ﺇِﻟَﻴْﻬَﺎ ﻭَﺟَﻌَﻞَ ﺑَﻴْﻨَﻜُﻢ ﻣﱠﻮَﺩﱠﺓً ﻭَﺭَﺣْﻤَﺔ‬
َ‫ﺇِﻥﱠ ﻓِﻲ ﺫَﻟِ َﻚ ﻵَﻳَﺎﺕٍ ﻟﱢﻘَﻮْﻡٍ ﻳَﺘَﻔَﻜﱠﺮُﻭﻥ‬
And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves,"
that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your
.(hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect" (alQur’an 30:21)

o "Muwaddah" is one of the many shades of love

o The fact that Allah declares love to be an “ayah” (miraculous sign) is

significant. Anything declared as an ayah is something that is very
important. It is not something trivial or to be taken lightly.

ِ‫ﺱ ﺣُﺐﱡ ﺍﻟﺸﱠﻬَﻮَﺍﺕِ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟﻨﱢﺴَﺎﺀ ﻭَﺍﻟْﺒَﻨِﲔَ ﻭَﺍﻟْﻘَﻨَﺎﻃِﻴﺮِ ﺍﳌُْﻘَﻨﻄَﺮَﺓِ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟﺬﱠﻫَﺐِ ﻭَﺍﻟْﻔِﻀﱠﺔ‬ ِ ‫ﺯُﻳﱢﻦَ ﻟِﻠﻨﱠﺎ‬
ِ‫ﳊَﻴَﺎﺓِ ﺍﻟﺪﱡﻧْﻴَﺎ ﻭَﺍﷲُّ ﻋِﻨﺪَﻩُ ﺣُﺴْﻦُ ﺍﳌَْﺂﺏ‬ْ ‫ﺙ ﺫَﻟِﻚَ ﻣَﺘَﺎﻉُ ﺍ‬ ِ ْ‫ﻭَﺍﳋَْﻴْﻞِ ﺍﳌُْﺴَﻮﱠﻣَﺔِ ﻭَﺍﻷَﻧْﻌَﺎﻡِ ﻭَﺍﳊَْﺮ‬
"Fair in the eyes of men is the love of things they covet: Women and sons; Heaped-up
hoards of gold and silver; horses branded (for blood and excellence); and (wealth of)
cattle and well-tilled land. Such are the possessions of this world's life; but in
nearness to Allah is the best of the goals (To return to)" (alQur’an 3:14).

o It was made beautiful to men the love of women.

‫ﺴﻜُﻦَ ﺇِﻟَﻴْﻬَﺎ ﻓَﻠَﻤﱠﺎ ﺗَﻐَﺸﱠﺎﻫَﺎ‬

ْ َ‫ﺲ ﻭَﺍﺣِﺪَ ٍﺓ ﻭَﺟَﻌَﻞَ ﻣِﻨْﻬَﺎ ﺯَﻭْﺟَﻬَﺎ ﻟِﻴ‬
ٍ ْ‫ﻫُﻮَ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻱ ﺧَﻠَﻘَﻜُﻢ ﻣﱢﻦ ﱠﻧﻔ‬
‫ﺣﻤْﻼً ﺧَﻔِﻴﻔًﺎ ﻓَﻤَﺮﱠﺕْ ﺑِﻪِ ﻓَﻠَﻤﱠﺎ ﺃَﺛْﻘَﻠَﺖ ﺩﱠﻋَﻮَﺍ ﺍﷲَّ ﺭَﺑﱠﻬُﻤَﺎ ﻟَﺌِﻦْ ﺁﺗَﻴْﺘَﻨَﺎ ﺻَﺎﳊِﺎً ﻟﱠﻨَﻜُﻮﻧَﻦﱠ‬
َ ْ‫ﺣَﻤَﻠَﺖ‬
َ‫ﻣِ َﻦ ﺍﻟﺸﱠﺎﻛِﺮِﻳﻦ‬
"It is He Who created you from a single person, and made his mate of like nature, in
order that he might dwell with her (in love). When they are united, she bears a light
burden and carries it about (unnoticed). When she grows heavy, they both pray to
Allah their Lord, (saying): "If You give us a good child, we promise we shall be
grateful" (alQur’an 7:189).

 Allah created you from one soul, and created your mate from that same soul in
order that you may find peace and tranquility.

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  The Story of Yusuf

‫ﻭَﻟَﻘَﺪْ َﻫ ﱠﻤﺖْ ﺑِﻪِ ﻭَﻫَﻢﱠ ﺑِﻬَﺎ ﻟَﻮْﻻ ﺃَﻥ ﱠﺭﺃَﻯ ﺑُﺮْﻫَﺎﻥَ ﺭَﺑﱢﻪِ ﻛَﺬَﻟِﻚَ ﻟِﻨَﺼْﺮِﻑَ ﻋَﻨْﻪُ ﺍﻟﺴﱡﻮﺀَ ﻭَﺍﻟْﻔَﺤْﺸَﺎﺀ‬
‫ﺇِ ﱠﻧﻪُ ِﻣ ْﻦ ﻋِﺒَﺎﺩِﻧَﺎ ﺍﳌُْﺨْﻠَﺼِﻲ‬
"And, indeed, she desired him, and he desired her; [and he would have succumbed] had he
not seen [in this temptation] an evidence of his Sustainer's truth: thus [We willed it to
be] in order that We might avert from him all evil and all deeds of abomination -for,
behold, he was truly one of Our servants” (alQur’an 12:24).

Note how Allah says that Prophet Yusuf (pbuh) desired her. Yusuf (pbuh) controlled
his desires for fear of Allah (swt).

 Narrated 'Aisha, Ummul Mu'minin: “The Apostle of Allah (Peace Be

Upon Him) used to divide his time equally and said: O Allah, this is my division
concerning what I possess, so do not blame me concerning what You possess and
I do not” (Abu Dawud).

 Abdullah ibn Abbas said: 'The husband of Bareerah was a slave whose name
was Mugheeth. I saw him walking behind her in the streets of Madinah crying,
and tears were falling off his beard. The Messenger of Allah said to Al-
Abbas: 'Oh Abbas! Doesn't it amaze you how much Mugheeth loves
Bareerah and how much she dislikes Mugheeth!' The Prophet (pbuh) said to
Bareerah, 'Why don't you go back to him?' She said to him, 'Are you
commanding me to do so?' He said, 'No, but I am interceeding on his behalf.' She
said, 'I have no need for him.'” (alBukhari)

From this hadeeth we can conclude that:

 The word 'love' was common in the lives of the Prophet and his companions.
They weren't ashamed of their love, nor were they afraid to show their love.
 Love is of different degrees. It is natural to have preferences in a loving
relationship.
 The Prophet sympathized with the lover and went to help him, so try to help
people in love.
 When people fall in love, they fall out of character. As long as it doesn’t
lead to something that is haraam, there is no problem.

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  Love in this sense will remain one of the marvelous secrets of Allah's
creation.

A Special Tribute to the Faqeeh of Love (May Allah have

Mercy on Him)

Falling in Love

1. The Mystery of the "In-Love" Case

 The 'in love' syndrome is not necessarily true love as yet.
 Love is an illusive aspect: it's a mirage.
 People build illusive dreams about marital bliss. When this dream ends, then
real love starts to build up because you know exactly who they are.
 Based on how much they compromise, their love will change and either grow
stronger, or lead to a break-up.
 You have to try to maintain the signs of love for they nurture love

Theories on Love:
 The Love Tank Theory (by Gary Chapman): Love is like a gas tank. Men wait
until the pointer is on empty, and even then they say, I've still got a few more miles
on this, so they wait until the tank is completely empty before they stop to get gas.
What happens if there are no gas stations around?!
Women on the other hand, start panicking before the
pointer reaches even the half-way line. In love and
marriage, you need to refill often; don't wait until the pointer's on empty, or even on
half. Keep refilling; never let your love run out.

 The Love Bank Theory: When a couple gets married, it is like opening a joint
bank account. Each spouse makes deposits into that account.
After a while they start withdrawing, always thinking that they
have enough to cover them and they don't deposit anything in
return. You have to deposit into your love bank account or else
you won't have any credit left to withdraw from!

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
 Love is Truly a Mystery: We learned earlier that Bani Udra were a very passionate
people that would sometimes die because of their passionate love. Also, it is reported that
Zaid ibn Thaabit (ra) led the janaza prayer over a person who had died from being in love.
There is clearly something going on here. Love ultimately seems to be something that
only Allah (swt) holds the secrets to.

2. What Harms Love?

 Exploitation of love itself: "If you love me, then ..." People use love as a
commodity. It's not something you use to bargain with.
 Infidelity- if someone chooses to marry a second wife, he jeopardizes his
first relationship.
 Acts of disrespect: very dangerous. Once you hurt his dignity and
respect, he's gone forever.
 The slanderer.
 Long unnecessary separations: definitely hurts; 'Umar asked the women
how long they could stay without their husbands, and they replied maximum
6 months, so he made a rule that every mujahid could stay on an expedition
no longer than 6 months.
 Contemporary technology: TV and PC- don't have them in the bedroom,
if at all. The bedroom is a place of relaxation and relationship building
with your wife. There should be no distractions and inattentiveness
towards your spouse.

3. Decency or Indecency

 Love doesn't necessarily equal haraam actions or indecency.

4. What is Real Love?

When Amr ibn Al-Aas asked the Messenger of Allah (Peace Be Upon Him)
“Who is most beloved to you? He said: "Aisha." I said: What about among men? He
said: "Her father." I said: And then who? He said: "Then Umar ibn Al-Khattab” …
(alBukhari and Muslim).

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Imam az-Zuhri said: “The first love story ever know in the history of Islam was the
love of Rasoolullah (Peace Be Upon Him) for ‘Aisha, and Masrouq used to call her,
‘the love of Rasoolullah’” (Ibn al-Qayyim).

1. Infidelity in Western family life

 Very common in this society.

2. Muslims at the Doorstep of the Western Version of Marriage, Why?

 We delay marriage, and then on campus we do "friend-marriages" where you
secretly marry someone you meet on campus.
 Reasons why they do these kinds of things:
 Adherence to culture more than Shari'ah
 Lack of knowledge- we need to know our responsibilities toward our
spouses

3. The Real Love Story

Romantic love always equals pain and an unhappy ending e.g. Qays (Majnun)-Laila:
Qays and Laila were cousins who were in love with each other. Qays left on a
business trip to prove himself, but when he came back, he discovered that his uncle had
married off Laila to another man. Qays went totally crazy, and would just wander in
the desert creating beautiful poetry about his love.

Rasulullah and Khadijah: She supported his mission with an open heart and was
blessed to have all but one of his children.

'Aisha narrates: "I was not jealous of any other wife of the Prophet as I was
jealous of Khadijah, because of his constant mentioning of her and because Allah had
commanded him to give her good tidings of a mansion in Paradise of precious stones.
And whenever he sacrificed a sheep he would send a fair portion of it to those who
had been her intimate friends. Many a time I said to him: "It is as if there had never
been any other woman in the world except Khadijah.”

She also narrates: Once, when I complained and asked why he spoke so highly of "an
old Qurayshi woman", the Prophet was hurt and said: "She was the wife who
believed in me when others rejected me. When people belied me, she affirmed my
truthfulness. When I stood forsaken, she spent her wealth to lighten the burden of my
sorrow.”

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 Rasulullah and 'Aisha: Rasulullah expressed his love for 'Aisha truly
and genuinely, and she enjoyed him as much as he enjoyed her.

Khadija or Aisha?
Scholars disagreed on which of the two Rasulullah loved most; however, Ibn
Taymiyyah stated that since they were not of the same time, there is no comparison to
be made. Khadijah was the best for her time, when Rasulullah needed her, and 'Aisha
was the best for her time. 'Aisha, however, can be compared to his other wives, and
she is clearly his favorite among them.

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 Chapter Two: The Earnestness of Love

Marriage and Family Life

‫ﻖ ﻣِﻨْﻬَﺎ ﺯَﻭْﺟَﻬَﺎ ﻭَﺑَﺚﱠ‬

َ َ‫ﻳَﺎ ﺃَﻳﱡﻬَﺎ ﺍﻟﻨﱠﺎﺱُ ﺍﺗﱠﻘُﻮﺍْ ﺭَ ﱠﺑﻜُﻢُ ﺍ ﱠﻟﺬِﻱ ﺧَﻠَﻘَﻜُﻢ ﻣﱢﻦ ﱠﻧﻔْﺲٍ ﻭَﺍﺣِﺪَﺓٍ ﻭَﺧَﻠ‬
َ‫ﷲّ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻱ ﺗَﺴَﺎﺀﻟُﻮﻥَ ﺑِﻪِ ﻭَﺍﻷَﺭْﺣَﺎﻡَ ﺇِﻥﱠ ﺍﷲَّ ﻛَﺎﻥ‬ َ ‫ﻣِﻨْﻬُﻤَﺎ ﺭِﺟَﺎﻻً ﻛَﺜِﻴﺮﺍً ﻭَﻧِﺴَﺎﺀ ﻭَﺍﺗﱠﻘُﻮﺍْ ﺍ‬
‫ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻜُﻢْ ﺭَﻗِﻴﺒًﺎ‬
“O Mankind, be conscious of your duty to your Lord (Rabb), who created you from a
single soul, created of like nature his mate and from the two created and spread many men
and women, and be mindful of your duty to God (Allah) whose name you appeal to one
another and to (the ties of) the womb. Verily, Allah watches over you” (al Qur’an 4:1)

 The Qur’an orders us in the verse above to be aware of our duty to Allah. It
then continues to address us about how Allah created man and woman. As
Allah willed, a woman came from a man’s rib, as Hawwa (i.e. Eve) was created
from Adam’s rib. She was not from his head, so that she could be a boss over
him. She was also not from his feet, so that he would not step over her rights. She
was from his rib, and so she remains close to his heart and under his protection.

The Status of Family in Islam

1. Family Life – Basic Principles

 Marriage – It is in itself a “strong covenant.” This means it is a strong

relationship that you cannot underestimate in its importance. Also, it is a
relationship that one can not manipulate nor break off easily. You have to treat
your partner with kindness and respect and realize how the other person is one
whose face you will wake up to for the rest of your life. Clearly, another part
of marriage is that it allows you as a Muslim to have lawful sexual
intercourse.

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 Social Contract - In marriage, a contract that identifies the rights and duties
of spouses is required to make their marriage successful. It is as described, a
“conclusion of proposal and acceptance,” and the contract provides the physical
evidence that you are in this special relationship. In books of Islamic Law,
marriage is usually in the section of Mu’amalat, or dealings with people. You
have a huge part to fulfill towards people in marriage and the responsibility is
not only for your wife. You also have a responsibility of acknowledging the
relationship with her family. This includes in-laws, cousins, children, uncles
and aunts, and grandparents.

 Faith and Family: Our noble Prophet (peace be upon him) has given us
general guidelines for how important faith (Eman) is in the person you marry.
For women: The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:

"If there comes to you with an offer of marriage (for your daughter, sister, etc.)
one with whose religious Eman and character (Akhlaq) you are pleased, then
marry (your daughter, sister, etc) to him. If you do not do so, there will be
mischief on earth and widespread corruption” (atTirmidhi).

As for the men, he’s also inspired them. Narrated Abu Huraira: The
Prophet said:

"A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her
beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise)
you will be a losers.” (alBukhari)

The above narrations show the importance of faith in a man and a woman.
There is clearly a huge responsibility that you have to take in who you wish to
consult for marriage. For those who comprehend, they must realize that the best
people who will be able to fulfill the rights of their spouses are those who have
excelled in fulfilling the rights of the Rabb, the Supreme, the Majestic.

We must also realize that the responsibility starts before marriage in Islam.
You have to work on your flaws as a Muslim whether it is in dealings with
Allah or the people. For a weak partner will make the marriage weak with
their shortcomings and a strong partner will strengthen the marriage with their
discipline and faith.

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 There is a consensus amongst the scholars that it is not permissible for a
woman to marry a non-Muslim man. The reasons are manifest: the man is the
head of the house and his command must be obeyed except if they intervene with
the commandment of the Rabb. This will lead at times for him to decide what is
best for the children and if the women passes away, who else will raise them
with their values and ethics? The second reason is that being around a man who
is non-Muslim will naturally lead a Muslim woman to compromise some part
of her Eman. This is due to the fact that he, due to having more strength and
power, may not submit to what Islam “considers good,” and will follow his
desires and inner-grown values in many situations which will adversely affect
her Eman in Allah.

2. Structures and Rules

 Pre-Conditions:
i. In Islam, marriage has certain guidelines which if they are not fulfilled,
the marriage will not be complete. Some are that the man must be
financially able to support his wife and also that there is a general
consent from both sides.
ii. There is a difference of opinion amongst the scholars of whether a
woman’s consent is required when her father marries her against her
right. All such differences are taken in light of the Qur’an and the
Sunnah:

Abu Huraira (May Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger
(Peace be upon him) as having said:

“A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married

until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is
sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (Peace be upon him): How her
(virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps
silence” (Muslim).
o Based on this hadith, it seems that permission is always required. How
can the woman’s consent be sought if you are forcing her to marry?

 Also we can not forget another important condition of a marriage to be valid and
that is the Mahr (i.e. Dowry). This is given from the man to the women and can
even be as small as a gold ring or teaching her chapters of the Qur’an.

27
 o Obviously in this day and age, this is not as easily applicable so it is
evident that you must give what is just acceptable for the dowry. This will
be based on cultural standards of what is acceptable among families.

 Obligations: Marriage increases your obligations and this is evident from the
below narration: Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: The Prophet said,

"Every one of you is a guardian and every one of you is responsible (for his
wards). A ruler is a guardian and is responsible (for his subjects); a man is a
guardian of his family and responsible (for them); a wife is a guardian of her
husband's house and she is responsible (for it), a slave is a guardian of his
master's property and is responsible (for that). Beware! All of you are
guardians and are responsible (for your wards)” (alBukhari)

 You are controlled by general guidelines on how to act with your spouse and
also since a man is the guardian, he has to also put discipline in to the
family. A woman, on the other hand, has a lot of obligations as well. As
for the general guidelines, they are to prepare for her new family as we
discussed previously, with the wife and her relatives.

 The closest people to you in the other family will be your spouse, the
children you raise, and the grandparents as they will be the ones you spend
time with the most. The middle ground will be those who are related by
blood to your spouse, your father and mother in-law, and then the ones
related by breast-feeding. Children that are breastfed by the same mothers
become official siblings. The outer part of the family will consist of
cousins, the other children in the family, and the rest of the in-law relations.
As the family gets larger, the responsibility increases as well.

 Men must realize their great role in the family and must be the breadwinners
or heroes for their spouses and kids. This is due to the fact that the elders
in an Islamic society are the most honored and admired. In Western
society, the elders are shuffled in to the nearest retirement homes so the kids
can go on a honeymoon. Also, men clearly have a huge financial obligation,
but this does not make it okay that you stay out of the house most of the
day. You must learn to balance the workplace and home and keep close
friends out of the time that family deserves.

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 Women are responsible for upbringing the family and they will determine for
the most part how your kids will turn out. This is why finding a righteous
wife is so important especially when you are living in a society filled with
non-religious values and lack of morality. Let the women of Islam realize
that there is no position nobler than a housewife in Islam. In America,
you may want to use the term homemaker because of the negativity of the
term, especially since the advent of “Desperate housewives.” Also, the
hardest work that is done in a family is by a woman for taking care of the
house and the kids, not to mention being home more often, and putting up
with the husband. All of these things require a lot of love, mercy, and
patience. This does not mean that the wife cannot work, but the woman must
then make sure she is not leaving the obligations of the house. Again, why
do we not consider homemaking as work? It indeed is the most difficult of
work! What nobler job can a women take?

The Greatest Women

As a side point, let us consider the 4 greatest women who ever lived.
These were Mariam, Khadija, Fatima, and Aseeya (Alayhunasalam)
What did these women have in common? They all were either good wives
or good mothers. They were not great because of activism, career, or their
knowledge. Aseeya and Mariam both raised two of the greatest prophets
of Allah (Musa and Isa). Khadija was outstanding because she was an
excellent wife and moral support to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) in times of
difficultly. Fatima was an excellent wife to Ali bin Abi Talib. Fatima
was in her house doing the work and serving in her house. She was serving
in the household until her hands were very harsh and the skins of her hands
were thick. She would use the stone mill until her hands became harsh and
rough. She was cleaning the house until her clothes became dirty. She
drew water from the well until she had marks on her neck. She was cooking
until it affected her face. This is the daughter of the greatest man who ever
lived. And it is through her example as a wife that made her of the four
greatest women to ever walk the face of the earth.

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History of Marriage
1. Marriage: The Definition

The definitions of marriage are many and have been commented on by Islamic
Scholars, philosophers, and humanists alike.

The basic definition of marriage found all over the works of religion and over the
world is that marriage is viewed as a matter of love and affection, of romance and
physical attraction, and of sensitivity and care.

The Humanist definition of marriage means the union of a man and a woman to the
exclusion of all others, voluntarily entered into for life.

The philosopher’s definition is a little more complicated and as usual, not agreed upon
by the philosophers themselves. One of their definitions is that it is a disease of the
mind and another is that it is an, intellectual experience. A comical version of their
definition is that marriage is a disease that no one can be immune to.

As for the Islamic definition that is found, it is found to be one that is constant, that
it is “half of Eman” and a consent between man and woman to maintain their duties and
obligations as one unit, in a way to please Allah.

Some more comical definitions of marriage are that it is the only union that cannot be
organized. Also, it is called an arrangement in which the man loses his bachelors and
the woman gains her masters. You will see a great glimpse of reality of the second
definition when you see how the traditional household is firmly controlled by the
woman.

2. The first marriage: Adam and Hawwa

 The first marriage ever was unique. It was a marriage that had no wedding
ceremony and no elegant banquets. In fact, it was done informally as Allah
declared to Adam that Hawwa was his wife. He was told to accept her as his
wife without even his consent and she was made out of his rib.

30
 ‫ﻳَﺎ ﺑَﻨِﻲ ﺁﺩَﻡَ ﻻَ ﻳَﻔْﺘِﻨَ ﱠﻨﻜُﻢُ ﺍﻟﺸﱠﻴْﻄَﺎﻥُ ﻛَﻤَﺎ ﺃَﺧْﺮَﺝَ ﺃَﺑَﻮَﻳْﻜُﻢ ﻣﱢﻦَ ﺍﳉَْﻨﱠﺔِ ﻳَﻨﺰِﻉُ ﻋَﻨْﻬُﻤَﺎ‬
‫ﻟِﺒَﺎﺳَﻬُﻤَﺎ ﻟِﻴُﺮِﻳَﻬُﻤَﺎ ﺳَﻮْﺀَﺍﺗِﻬِﻤَﺎ ﺇِﻧﱠﻪُ ﻳَﺮَﺍﻛُﻢْ ﻫُﻮَ ﻭَﻗَﺒِﻴﻠُﻪُ ﻣِﻦْ ﺣَﻴْﺚُ ﻻَ ﺗَﺮَﻭْﻧَﻬُﻢْ ﺇِﻧﱠﺎ ﺟَﻌَﻠْﻨَﺎ‬
َ‫ﻦ ﻻَ ﻳُﺆْﻣِﻨُﻮﻥ‬َ ‫ﺸﻴَﺎﻃِﲔَ ﺃَﻭْﻟِﻴَﺎﺀ ﻟِﻠﱠﺬِﻳ‬
‫ﺍﻟ ﱠ‬
“O Children of Adam! Let not Shaitân deceive you, as he got your parents [Adam and
Hawwa (Eve)] out of Paradise, stripping them of their raiments, to show them their
private parts. Verily, he and Qabîluhu (his soldiers from the jinns or his tribe) see you
from where you cannot see them. Verily, We made the Shayâtin (devils) Auliyâ'
(protectors and helpers) for those who believe not” (alQur’an 7:27).

 These verses above speak of Shaitan and Adam and Hawwa. Shaitan was
able to seduce the couple out of Paradise through his evil whispers. So from
the beginning of time, Our Lord made us aware of the devil and the cunning
ways of his attacks. He also showed us that once Adam and Hawwa fell into
sin, they took the right path and repented and that’s what we should do too.

3. Marriage before Islam

 Even before Islam, men and women who wanted to engage in marriage would go
to the religious authority amongst them. In the Judeo-Christian traditions,
you find marriage being taken in to oath at the hands of a rabbi or a priest,
respectively. In terms of Christianity, the Orthodox and Catholic traditions
are the closest to the correct Islamic tradition of marriage. This shows us that
marriage is considered very important in a person’s life in terms of the harmony
with the creator.

 Furthermore, even the Roman and Egyptian traditions would relegate their
marital ceremonies to the religious figure in charge. It is only the recent
Western trend of culture that has disfranchised the otherwise sacred and
modest tradition of marriage. The ring and the scanty clothing of the bride are
two examples of Western culture that have penetrated Islamic culture and so
you find some Muslim weddings following the tradition of the Western
countries. Yet, the law of Allah and the Sunnah (i.e. the way) of the Prophet
(S.A.W) are more worthy of being followed in all aspects of life, including
marriage.

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 In the Pre-Islamic era, marriage would come about through 4 venues:
1.Barter Marriage: This was trading one’s sister for another’s sister.
2.Contract of fornication: This was a husband sending his wife to have sex
with another man to conceive. Sometimes it was done for the wife to sleep with
nobility so their child would have noble blood.
3.Group Fornication: This was a woman being gang banged (having sex with
up to 10 men). Then if she conceived, she would pick whoever she thought
looked most like the child, and he would have to be the father.
4.Normal Marriage: This would be similar to present-day marriage.

‘Aisha reported four kinds of marriage in Pre-Islamic Arabia: The first is similar
to present day marriage procedures, in which case a man gives his daughter in marriage
to another man after a dowry has been agreed on. In the second, the husband would
send his wife- after the menstruation period-to cohabit with another man in order to
conceive. After conception the husband would, if he desired, have sexual intercourse
with her. A third kind was that a group of less than ten (10) men would have sexual
intercourse with a woman. If she conceived and gave birth to a child, she would send
for these men and nobody could abstain. They would come together in her house. She
would say, "You know what you have done. I have given birth to a child and it is
your child' (pointing to one of them). The man meant would have to accept. The fourth
kind was that a lot of men would have sexual intercourse with a certain woman (a
whore). She would not prevent anybody. Such women used to put a certain flag at their
gates to invite anyone who like. If this whore got pregnant and gave birth to a child,
she would collect those men, and a seeress would tell whose child it was. The
appointed father would take the child and declare him/her his own. When the Prophet
Muhammad(Peace be upon him) declared Islam in Arabia, he cancelled all these
forms of sexual contacts except that of present Islamic marriage” (Abu Dawood).

With the advent of Islam, the Prophet (Peace be upon him) cancelled all these acts of
lewdness except for the normal marriage. It was time to go back to Allah's true law
and to give women the true dignity they deserved. After serving as slaves and whores
of men, women became the light of Islam and the producers of strong religious men.

4. Polygamy or Monogamy?

In Islam, marriage is allowed of 4 wives to a one man at the maximum. This is clear
not only in Islamic tradition but also in many ancient religious societies including
Christianity. As Dr. Sharif Abdel Azim states:

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 “The Bible did not condemn polygamy. To the contrary, the Old Testament and
Rabbinic writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy. King Solomon is said
to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3) Also, King David is said
to have had many wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13).” ( Abdel-Azim, Sherif.
“Women in Islam versus the Judeo-Christian tradition: The myth and the reality.)”

 Furthermore, many Muslims know that it is Sunnah for men to marry more
than one. But for most of those who propagate it, it is the only Sunnah they
follow and the only one they know. This sunnah is found in the following
hadith:

Narrated Saeed bin Jubair: Ibn 'Abbas asked me, "Are you married?" I replied,
"No." He said, "Marry, for the best person of this (Muslim) nation (i.e.,
Muhammad) of all other Muslims, had the largest number of wives."(alBukhari)

 And so the person assumes that you have to marry more than one to be the
best. But the difference between the people of the Sunnah and the people of
Bid’aa is that the people of the Sunnah look at all evidences. Allah therefore,
the most just one speaks:

‫ﻦ ﺍﻟﻨﱢﺴَﺎﺀ ﻣَﺜْﻨَﻰ‬ َ ‫ﺏ ﻟَﻜُﻢ ﻣﱢ‬َ ‫ﻭَﺇِﻥْ ﺧِﻔْﺘُﻢْ ﺃَﻻﱠ ﺗُﻘْﺴِﻄُﻮﺍْ ﻓِﻲ ﺍﻟْﻴَﺘَﺎﻣَﻰ ﻓَﺎﻧﻜِﺤُﻮﺍْ ﻣَﺎ ﻃَﺎ‬
‫ﺖ ﺃَﳝَْﺎﻧُﻜُﻢْ ﺫَﻟِﻚَ ﺃَﺩْﻧَﻰ ﺃَﻻﱠ‬
ْ َ‫ﻭَﺛُﻼَﺙَ ﻭَﺭُﺑَﺎﻉَ ﻓَﺈِﻥْ ﺧِﻔْﺘُﻢْ ﺃَﻻﱠ ﺗَﻌْﺪِﻟُﻮ ْﺍ ﻓَﻮَﺍﺣِﺪَﺓً ﺃَﻭْ ﻣَﺎ ﻣَﻠَﻜ‬
ْ‫ﺗَﻌُﻮﻟُﻮﺍ‬
“And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry
(other) women of your choice, two or three, or four, but if you fear that you shall not be
able to deal justly (with them), then only one or (the captives and the slaves) that your right
hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice” (alQur’an 4:3).

So what should we do? Do we follow our father Adam who had one wife? Or do
we follow the prophet who had many? Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) had one wife the
first 25 years of his life until she died, then he took more wives. Some scholars say
you take the beginning of the prophets life with one wife and some scholars say no we
follow the end of the Prophets life.

The ‘Ulama have established that the default is one for those who feel they cannot be
just with any more. If they truly fear Allah and are capable of being just with more
than one, then the maximum allowed is four. It goes without saying that the more

33
 people in your household, the more responsibility you’ll have to take, as the head of the
family is the father. Everyone will be held responsible in front of the One who is
severe in punishment, and this should be enough to make us aware of our actions and
their consequences in marriage.

Some sects that are farther from Sunnah intrepret that the verse means you can marry
2+3+4 = 9 wives. Other sects claim that it is multiplication 2*3*4 = 24 wives!

Ibn Abbas said “The best of mankind married more than one”

Wisdoms behind Polygamy

World War 2 left behind many women in Germany without husbands. So the
Muslims gave them a proposal to do multiple marriages as they had the
condition of marrying more than one wife. But the Germans kindly declined and
opened up the venue of prostitution. And Allah (swt) justly inflicted their
country with more punishment in their stock market and collapsed their super-
nation in to an unknown land.

Consider this other angle: Rather than thinking that women are limited to one
husband and men can have four, think about the following: Men are not allowed
to pick women that are married. Women on the other hand can pick any man
that she desires, regardless of whether he is married.

If you look at the non-muslim society we live in, which gender is considered the
“player”. Is it the woman? I think not. It is the men you always find
craving many women. Rarely is the case you find a woman with this mentality.
But the urge for men to have many women is a thing inherent to the male
composition. In Allah's infinite knowledge, this allowance of up to 4 wives
for the men is something that caters to man's biological makeup. Wallahu
A'lam.

5. Heterosexuality or Homosexuality?

Homosexuality means to have sexual affection towards the same gender. This behavior has
only one view in Islam and that is that it is forbidden. Furthermore, the Bible is even
more clear and harsh on homosexuals than our religion and so is the religion of Judaism.

34
This shows us the universal message of Islam and its truthful advent because it is in
uniform with many laws of Prophets before it and religions before it.

Furthermore, this religiously prohibited behavior, according to Islam, started during the
time of Lut (A.S.). The exalted one Allah states in His manifest book:
َ‫ﺍﺩْﺧُﻠُﻮﺍ ﺍﳉَْﻨﱠﺔَ ﺃَﻧﺘُﻢْ ﻭَﺃَﺯْﻭَﺍﺟُﻜُﻢْ ﲢُْﺒَﺮُﻭﻥ‬
Enter Paradise, you and your wives, in happiness. (alQur’an 43:70)

Allah (swt) also mentions:

َ‫ﻭَﻟُﻮﻃﺎً ﺇِ ْﺫ ﻗَﺎﻝَ ﻟِ َﻘﻮْﻣِﻪِ ﺇِﻧﱠﻜُﻢْ ﻟَﺘَﺄْﺗُﻮﻥَ ﺍﻟْﻔَﺎﺣِﺸَﺔَ ﻣَﺎ ﺳَﺒَﻘَﻜُﻢ ﺑِﻬَﺎ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﺣَﺪٍ ﻣﱢﻦَ ﺍﻟْﻌَﺎﳌَِﲔ‬
‫( ﺃَﺋِﻨﱠﻜُﻢْ ﻟَﺘَﺄْﺗُﻮﻥَ ﺍﻟﺮﱢﺟَﺎﻝَ ﻭَﺗَﻘْﻄَﻌُﻮﻥَ ﺍﻟﺴﱠﺒِﻴﻞَ ﻭَﺗَﺄْﺗُﻮﻥَ ﻓِﻲ ﻧَﺎﺩِﻳﻜُ ُﻢ ﺍ ْﳌُﻨﻜَﺮَ ﻓَﻤَﺎ‬28)
َ‫( ﻗَﺎﻝ‬29) َ‫ﺖ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟﺼﱠﺎﺩِ ِﻗﲔ‬ َ ‫ﻛَﺎﻥَ ﺟَﻮَﺍﺏَ ﻗَﻮْﻣِﻪِ ﺇِﻟﱠﺎ ﺃَﻥ ﻗَﺎﻟُﻮﺍ ﺍﺋْﺘِﻨَﺎ ﺑِﻌَﺬَﺍﺏِ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪِ ﺇِﻥ ﻛُﻨ‬
‫( ﻭَﳌَﱠﺎ ﺟَﺎﺀَﺕْ ﺭُﺳُﻠُﻨَﺎ ِﺇﺑْﺮَﺍﻫِﻴﻢَ ﺑِﺎﻟْﺒُﺸْﺮَﻯ‬30) َ‫ﺭَﺏﱢ ﺍﻧﺼُﺮْﻧِﻲ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺍﻟْﻘَﻮْﻡِ ﺍﳌُْﻔْﺴِﺪِﻳﻦ‬
َ‫ِﺇﻥﱠ ﺃَﻫْﻠَﻬَﺎ ﻛَﺎﻧُﻮﺍ ﻇَﺎﳌِﲔ‬ ِ‫ﻗَﺎﻟُﻮﺍ ﺇِﻧﱠﺎ ﻣُﻬْﻠِﻜُﻮ ﺃَﻫْﻞِ ﻫَﺬِﻩِ ﺍﻟْﻘَﺮْﻳَﺔ‬
"And (remember) Lut, when he said to his people: "You commit Al-Fâhishah (sodomy
the worst sin) which none has preceded you in (committing) it in the 'Alamîn (mankind and
jinns). Verily, you do sodomy with men, and rob the wayfarer (travelers, etc.)! And
practise Al-Munkar (disbelief and polytheism and every kind of evil wicked deed) in your
meetings." But his people gave no answer except that they said: "Bring Allâh's Torment
upon us if you are one of the truthful”. He said: "My Lord! Give me victory over the
people who are Mufsidûn (those who commit great crimes and sins, oppressors, tyrants,
mischief-makers, corrupts). And when Our Messengers came to Ibrâhim with the glad
tidings they said: "Verily, we are going to destroy the people of this town (i.e. the town of
Sodom in Palestine) truly, its people have been Zâlimûn [wrong-doers, polytheists and
disobedient to Allâh, and have also belied their Messenger Lut]" (alQur’an 29:28-31).

- This was criticized by every well-known and respected Islamic scholar in the Ummah.
Ibn Al-Qayyim (R.A.) criticized a practice of young dancing boys in Islamic
weddings and religious functions.
- There is more detailed discussion and scholarly discourse that one can go to in their own
time. Sheikh Abu Ameenah Bilal Phillips has a good audio set called “Contemporary
Issues in Islam,” and many Muslim scholars have commented on homosexuality and
how to deal with it.
- Al-Khuntha is an issue as well with homosexuality. It is having two different
hormones in one person with alternate lifestyles. This issue is important because it would

35
affect the law of inheritance and also who would be considered a Mahram or legal
guardian for this type of person. More research should be done on this issue.
- Also, Muslim scholars have made it recommended to avoid any programs that promote
this lewd practice. There are a couple of interesting reasons why. One is that the more
you are exposed to an evil institution, the more you will adapt to it and think it is easy to
live with. Also, this will remove your hatred for that evil practice and lead to its
acceptance in your heart. A second point is that looking in to homosexual programs
provides no benefit to the eyes, ears, or the heart. And as Ibn al Qayyim has said: “The
keys to the life of the heart lies in three things: pondering upon the Qur’aan, being humble
with Allah in secret, and leaving sins.” (Excerpted from Ibn Taymiyyah’s “Diseases of
the Heart and their cures.”.)
- At the same time, it must be known that these homosexual people in this society must be
treated like other human beings, but with hatred in the heart for their practice. Some of
them are very open-minded and open in other ways as well, so Islam must be presented to
them when possible. For the same way Allah misguides people, the power of guidance
also rest in His hands.

Islam and Marriage

1. Islam and celibacy
 Celibacy is remaining unmarried. Celibacy is forbidden according to Islam by
the Sunnah and the consensus of the scholars. The only religion that promotes
celibacy is Christianity and this was not the view of Jesus or his disciples,
but an innovation in to the Christian religion by a Jewish convert named Paul.

Narrated Anas bin Malik: A group of three men came to the houses of the
wives of the Prophet asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they
were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said,
"Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven."
Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The
other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third
said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's
Apostle came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so?
By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet
I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does
not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers)"
(alBukhari).

36
  The Prophet (S.A.W) basically is telling us in this narration that he is the most
pious and most fearful of Allah and yet he does not go to extremes in religion.
Also Ibn Abbas commented on this issue of the view of the companions:

“If I had but ten days left to live, I would like to marry, so as not to meet
Allah (swt) as a celibate.”

 Some people say they do not want to get married so they don’t lose the complete
love of Allah and others because they want to take care of their parents. The fact
is that anyone able to marry has NO excuse not to do so. Marriage is a contract
between man and woman to enjoy each other and must be fulfilled by all able.

2. Legal Definition of Marriage

 The legal definition of Marriage is a contract that results in the man and woman
living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been
laid down for them in terms of their rights and obligations.

3. The Purpose of Marriage

Imam Ghazali and Ibn Al-Qayyim mentioned reasons for why people should marry:

Fulfill your pleasure: getting rewarded for fulfilling your desire in a halal way
Procreation: half of the enjoyment of this dunya is children
To seek the pleasure of our Prophet (S.A.W): The Prophet has told us in
narrations to make him proud by having many wives and many kids. It may be hard
to have many wives but we can definitely try to have a few kids to have more
righteous Muslims serve the religion.
The issue of Al-Azl or contraception comes up and there is one narration
on it from the Prophet (S.A.W):
“Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: We got female captives in the war
booty and we used to do cortus interruptus with them. So we asked
Allah's Apostle about it and he said, "Do you really do that?"
repeating the question thrice, "There is no soul that is destined to exist
but will come into existence, until the Day of Resurrection."
(alBukhari).

37
  Of course the contraception cannot be permanent and practiced at all times. It
must be done only in need.

Intercession of a righteous child: The Prophet (S.A.W) has told us the blessing
of having righteous children:

"When a person dies, all his actions come to an end with the exception of three:
Sadaqa Jaariyaa (recurring charity), Knowledge from which benefit continues
to be reaped, and the prayers of his pious children for him" (alBukhari).

Protection from evil: RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam commanded: "O
you young men! Whoever is able to marry should marry, for that will help him to
lower his gaze and guard his modesty" (alBukhari).

To free time for other responsibilities: A true husband and wife are a real
blessing to each other in their roles and the time they add to each other’s lives. The
husband takes the financial burden off the wife and she takes care of the domestic
burden.

Self-Struggle (Jihad un-Nafs): It is a real struggle to live with the same

person every day for the rest of your life, especially with your spouse. They will
know what makes you angry and weak. And your children also can keep you up for
the night prayer at times and can give you anguish at other times. It is a real test
of the inner soul.

“It is more rewarding than qiyaam-ul-layl to take care of your crying child.”
-Ibn al-Qayyim.

4. The Ruling of Marriage

Islam has 4 rulings on marriage and they all depend on the circumstances of a person who
is ready to marry or not.

1. Waajib or Fard – If a person has the ability to get married and he is unable to
control his desires, even by fasting. The Hanafi madhhab says that a man should
marry if he is able to pay the dowry and make a lawful living.
2. Haraam – It is forbidden to marry for a person who does not have the financial and
physical means to marry and feels he will mistreat his wife.

38
 3. Makrooh – It is disliked for a person to marry who is able to, but feels strongly
that he may mistreat his wife.
4. Mustahaab – It is desirable for a man to get married if he has the ability to, and
has no fear of mistreating his wife or of committing sin. This is the default ruling
of marriage.

The Faqih of Love, Ahmed Ibn Hazm (rahima-Ullah) believes that Marriage is
Wajib. This is due to his Zhahiri methodology.

5. Marriage as an act of worship:

[A Muslim] would have an intercourse with his spouse and would be rewarded for it.
The Companions (may Allah be pleased with them) asked: Oh Messenger of Allah!
A person would be rewarded while satisfying his sexual need? Prophet Mohammad
replied: Yes. Isn't it that he would be punished had he practiced sex illegally (not with his
spouse)? The same applies if a Muslim practiced a lawful intercourse with his spouse.
As such, he would be rewarded” (Muslim).

- the majority of scholars including Imam Shafi’ is that it is an act of worship.

Chacteristics of a Prospective Spouse

Characteristics desirable in the Bride

“Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e.,
her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the
religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers (alBukhari).

i Property or Wealth
ii Status in Society
iii Beauty
iv Religion

- The encouragement of the greatest man is to make sure that your wife is religious.
There are many reasons why he chose religion but one of them is that she can help you
with your shortcomings in Islam with her strengths.

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–
– -Sheikh Yasser narrated to us an incident where a mother offered her devout son his
cousin for marriage. The pious brother’s reason for rejecting the marriage was:
Beauty. This means just because someone is religious does not mean he or she will
marry someone just for religion alone. You can marry for piety, and the other things as
well.
–

Characteristics desirable in the Groom

“The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said "If there comes to you with an offer of marriage
(for your daughter, sister, etc.) one with whose religious commitment and character you are
pleased, then marry (your daughter, sister, etc) to him. If you do not do so, there will be
mischief on earth and widespread corruption (atTirmidhi)”

i Faith
ii Character

- We must remember piety and righteousness are qualities that should be in both at a
minimum. The ‘Ulema have taken the below qualities from the texts of Islam:

Generally Desirable Characteristics of a Spouse

1. Faith and righteousness

2. Character: Hasan al-Basri, a famous Tabi’ee said: “Marry her to one who fears
Allah.For if he loved her, he will treat her with utmost respect, and if he didn’t,
he won’t oppress her.”
3. Fertility – RasulAllah (pbuh) wanted us to have many children so his ummah
would be the largest on the Day of Judgement.
4. Virginity: This is due to the encouragement of the Prophet (S.A.W) when a
Sahabi told him he married a widow.

“Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: “…When we approached Medina, I started

going (towards my house). The Prophet said, "Where are you going?" I said, "I
have married a widow." He said, "Why have you not married a virgin to fondle
with each other?" I said, "My father died and left daughters, so I decided to
marry a widow (an experienced woman) (to look after them)." He said, "Well done."
… (alBukhari)”

40
 - Some scholars also say it is because virgins have sweeter mouths, are pleased
with less, and have more fruitful wombs.

5. Contentment
6. Beauty: We must understand beauty is different and in “the eye of the beholder.”
No one has a set standard for the definition for beauty. Islam has a very noble
view of beauty, which does not set itself upon one look or image.
7. Age Difference: It is recommended that the husband is 4 or 5 years older. This
is due to the fact that the wife matures faster.
8. Easy Mahr: The lesser the dowry, the more the blessing. The Prophet said: "The
best of marriage is that which is made easiest" (al-Albani)

Mahr of Moral Value-

○ Hajj
○ Teaching her the Qur’aan
Financial Value-
○ Cash
○ Car
○ House
○ Land
Family Value- Some people put a value on their daughter. Also some
who pay a low dowry may get in to fights with their new family.
Just make it simple and easy.
Don’t accept a proposal from one who does not pray or fulfill his/her major
obligations.

9. Noble Descent – Meaning to keep culture in mind for the sake of keeping the
families happy.

* We must compromise in some of these things and marry someone close to what an ideal
spouse is for us, because time will not wait for us and the spouse we have in mind may be
unattainable. And Remember again, look for the spouse that is religious, 1st and
foremost, not the white horse that he is riding.

* Also, you are not allowed to pursue the dirty past of your husband or spouse. You
should also give them the benefit of the doubt if you hear something and confirm with them

41
before you start judging them. Also if you have a bad past, you should not reveal your
past; that is between you and Allah.

Selecting a Prospective Spouse

1. Relative or Non-Relative

 There is absolutely no objection in marrying a relative and this proven by the

Sunnah of the Prophet (pbuh). In fact he married his first cousin Zainab, and
Allah made his marriage to her without his approval, straight from His (swt)
command. He also married Arab women and non-Arab women and this is a
point to note for the Muslim biases out there of only marrying your culture.
RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam’s Sunnah and practice with
marriage is indeed a great way to follow.
 Marriage with your relatives has many positive benefits and one is
strengthening family ties further by keeping relation within your family. There is
also very little truth in the thought that marrying within the family increases the
chance of inheriting hereditary diseases.
 26 states, including New York, have no objection to a marriage with your first
cousin and so you see it’s not just Islam being different on this issue. More
importantly, a lot of Muslims need to be more open-minded in terms of
marriage to close relatives and stop being biased to this idea because of culture
and background.
 We must also keep in mind that in some cultures, it is better to marry within
the family and in others, it is not. So we must base our decision on sound
knowledge of our culture in mind with what Islam requires. Because though
Islamic theology does not change, the Islamic Law can change depending on
your circumstances.

2. Setting up family marriages: is it allowable?

 We are talking in this case about people being married to each other when they
are born or very young. If they have Nikah, it is a binding marriage and Imam
Abu Hanifah says it is binding for life. BUT the majority of the scholars
say that even if a couple are married when they are young, a rejection of the
marriage by them after puberty will negate the marriage contract. And Allah
knows best.

42
  At the same time, it is absolutely wrong in Islam, as we have discussed
before, to force a marriage on your daughter, a way which is once again common
in the sub-continent. The Hadith for this has been fore mentioned.
 This also brings up celibate marriages once again. These are called initiating
the Katbul-Kitab or marrying so that you can be in a relationship. This is
usually between people who are not ready to live together or do not have all the
financial conditions fit for marriage. We must remember that according to this
marriage, consummation has not been done and so it’s a celibate marriage and
this means no intercourse, but everything else. However, if they do have
intercourse, it is not haram, because they are Islamically married, but the father
then has the right to demand she live with her husband.
 All the schools of thought agree that sexual intercourse consummates the
celibacy in to a real marriage. The school of thought of Imam Abu Hanifah
has said that behind closed doors also counts as consummation. Only with
consummation do the rights and duties become transferred to the husband and
wife.

3. Engagement by commissioning

 Engagement by commissioning is the person wanting to get married, assigning

someone to look on their behalf. This usually could be overseas or in another
state in America and our teacher actually did not recommend this. He gave his
reason as brothers should marry the sisters who are waiting in their community
and he also mentioned you have many marriages for out of state failing and then
people come back looking for second wives.
 The person whom you commission is allowed to perform the marriage contract
for you. - The sisters must keep in mind at this point of the process that
brothers don’t want a career woman when they are having their marriages set-up.
At the same time, it is not forbidden for the sisters to pursue a career. But as
mentioned before, the etiquette of marriage is to make sure you have these
disputes of work settled before your marriage.
 Rasool-Allah SAWS married Umm Habiba in this way and Najaashi
(ra) represented him SAWS in the marriage

4. Why is dating haraam?

43
  It is astonishing that Muslims have to cover a simple point like this in class.
The simple answer is that Allah and the Prophet (S.A.W) forbade a man
and a woman being alone before marriage without a legal guardian to supervise
them.

ْ‫ﻞ ﱠﻟﻬُﻢ‬ ‫ﺕ ﻭَﻃَﻌَﺎﻡُ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻳﻦَ ﺃُﻭﺗُﻮﺍْ ﺍﻟْﻜِﺘَﺎﺏَ ﺣِﻞﱞ ﱠﻟﻜُﻢْ ﻭَﻃَﻌَﺎﻣُﻜُﻢْ ﺣِ ﱡ‬ُ ‫ﺣﻞﱠ ﻟَﻜُﻢُ ﺍﻟﻄﱠﻴﱢﺒَﺎ‬
ِ ُ‫ﺍﻟْﻴَﻮْﻡَ ﺃ‬
‫ﺕ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﳌُْﺆْﻣِﻨَﺎﺕِ ﻭَﺍ ْﳌُﺤْﺼَﻨَﺎﺕُ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻳﻦَ ﺃُﻭﺗُﻮﺍْ ﺍﻟْﻜِﺘَﺎﺏَ ﻣِﻦ ﻗَﺒْﻠِﻜُﻢْ ﺇِﺫَﺍ‬
ُ ‫ﻭَﺍﳌُْﺤْﺼَﻨَﺎ‬
ْ‫ﻦ ُﻣﺤْﺼِﻨِﲔَ ﻏَﻴْﺮَ ﻣُﺴَﺎﻓِﺤِﲔَ ﻭَﻻَ ﻣُﺘﱠﺨِﺬِﻱ ﺃَﺧْﺪَﺍﻥٍ َﻭﻣَﻦ ﻳَﻜْﻔُﺮ‬ ‫ﺁﺗَﻴْﺘُﻤُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﺃُﺟُﻮﺭَﻫُ ﱠ‬
َ‫ﺑِﺎﻹِﳝَﺎﻥِ ﻓَﻘَ ْﺪ ﺣَﺒِﻂَ ﻋَﻤَﻠُﻪُ ﻭَﻫُﻮَ ﻓِﻲ ﺍﻵﺧِﺮَﺓِ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﳋَْﺎﺳِﺮِﻳﻦ‬
"(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from
those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time, when you
have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of
marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual
intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends... ” (alQur’an 5:5).

Also there are ahadith on this issue like the one below:

“Whenever a (non-mahram) man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among
them” (atTirmidhi).

- So four reasons for dating to be forbidden are:

1. It can lead to illegal intercourse before marriage, which we all know is
forbidden.
2. Shaytaan is the third person when a man and a woman are alone.
3. There is no Mahram or legal guardian which is another aspect making it
forbidden.
4. Also, many studies show that dating does not lead to successful relationships.
In fact, we know that rare are the high school sweethearts who date once and
marry, and America which promotes dating, has the highest rate of divorce
among countries.
5. They might start with a good intention to find a compatible spouse. But they
always start fi sabeel-il-Allah and end fi sabeel-il-shaytan

- At the same time, Islam does not promote blind marriages because even before
marriage, you are allowed to sit with your prospect as long as you want. The only

44
condition is that a guardian is present in the house and they should give you some
reasonable privacy to discuss your compatibility and goals.

5. Matrimonial Services: What is the ruling?

 It is mubah or permissible to get married using this technique as long as

modesty and proper guidelines on both sides are maintained. Pictures must not
be shown unless authorized by the Wali- and this only after interest has been
shown in marriage. It is a terrible mistake to put downloadable pictures. We
have enough perverts and homosexuals in this society and don’t want to leave a
chance for them to get their hands on your pictures.
 Today, there are many types of matrimonial services that are quite controversial.
As alluded to earlier, they could be likened to “speed dating”. That is, all the
bachelors and bachelorettes move from table to table spending a few minutes
talking and checking out each and every person. This is clearly against the
islamic ettiquettes of getting married. How do people justfiy these services?
They say that 'the Imam coordinating the function is the mahrem for all the
sisters.' And then they say, “men and women aren't alone, there are many
people in the room.' The islamic way to proceed is to speak to the actual
mahrem of the sister and find out the religion of the spouse first, before
proceeding. And for the second point, is it permissible for a sister and a
brother to go out to the mall and have lunch in the food court? But afterall,
there are other people in the mall so they're not alone? Of course this is
invalid. May Allah protect us from these misunderstandings of His religion.
Ameen.
 As far as the issue of the wedding ring is concerned, it is a pagan custom.
Islam has no problem with accepting good parts of other cultures compliant
with our religion but this custom has its basis in the trinity belief of
Christianity. This belief is that the ring is given in the name of other than
Allah and Muslims should avoid anything that has been started off as a
practice of Shirk.
 For women, it is permissible to have any type of ring as long as it given as a
present, and not with the Christian culture. But there is no basis for men to
have rings like these and if they still want to, they should get a pair of earrings
and a nice dress as well!
 Sheikh al-Albani says wearing golden rings with no joints is forbidden but
this opinion is his alone.

45
Class Activity: Delaying Marriages

Some of the reasons that Brothers and Sisters Delay Marriages are given below:
A Fear controlling husbands
High Expectations of complete submissiveness
Brothers are too immature
Being Too Picky
A Fear of rejection
Parents
Responsibilities

The Procedure of Selecting a Bride

1. The role of female family members

 Unfortunately, many members of the family come to America but in their

homes, they still live in Pakistan and Egypt. So you will have a cultural gap
between the parents and the kids and the only culture the kid will care to practice
is spices and shalwar-kameez.
 You should go to your father, mother, brother and sisters and include them
directly in who you are marrying. The reason is that if your marriage is not
working out and they weren’t involved, they will want to blame you and not help
you.

2. Direct proposal to a female: is it allowable?

- The only people who can discuss an issue are those who genuinely want to get married.
The problem is that your intention is only known to you and you must keep it pure for
Allah’s sake.
- Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) encouraged Jabir(r) and
Mughira bin Shuba(r):

“Al-Mughirah bin Shu'bah narrates that he proposed marriage to a woman, and the
Prophet(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said "Go and look at her, because
that is more likely to create love between you" (atTirmidhi, and anNasaa'i).

46
Also, the verse in the Quran referring to proposing to the widow:
"there is no blame on you if you make a hint of betrothal or conceal it in yourself” 2:235

 It is acceptable for a man to ask a woman for marriage directly but it is better to
get the number of the guardian or wali. But be warned not to turn matrimonial
services and events of marriage into a joke.
 In the case of a widow, you can drop a hint but you cannot be direct with your
proposal during her waiting period after the death of her husband, which is 4
months and ten days, and this is a right of Allah. Truly the rights of Allah are
most worthy of being fulfilled.
 The mother can look at a girl and describe her to her son, and usually this is done
for extra caution. You can only speak to a woman when you are proposing when
she is wearing her head-cover.
 Imam Ibn Kathir rahimahullah has said that you may propose directly to a
widow, but make it implicit. As for anyone else, you can propose explicitly with
taqwa and etiquette.
 If you do decide to directly propose to a woman, then follow the steps below:
o First, ask if she is engaged, married, etc
o Then tell her if she accepts you will go talk to her father
o If you know her culture forbids it, go to the father directly

The Procedure of Selecting a Groom

1. The right of the women to select prospective husband

 Women have the full right to choose her husband. The father does have the right
to object, but cannot force her to give him up if she is set on marrying the prospect.
 Madhab Abu Hanifah (R.A.) says that a father has a right to force his daughter
in to marriage but this is against the majority of the scholars. This is because of
the following hadith:

Hadith of the prophet (pbuh), where he gave the girl a choice when her father wanted to
marry her to his nephew to raise his status. The Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) said
she had the right to reject the marriage. Then she accepted the proposal of the nephew
because she just wanted to show that women have the right to choose.

A point of additional clarification: It is well understood that the man is free to marry
whom he pleases, without parental approval. In the daughters case, we know that the

47
Wali must agree to marry the daughter to the man. However, if there is a guy that she is
interested in, the Wali cannot reject him for an invalid reason. An invalid reason is one
that goes against the Shari'a. If they do, then she is allowed to appoint another Wali
and proceed with the marriage. Consider the follwing statement made by Sheikh Salih
Munajjid of Islam Q/A:

"The wali does not have the right to prevent a woman from marrying on the basis of his
own whims and with no shar’i reason. If her wali prevents her from marrying the person
she wants with no shar’i reason for doing so, the guardianship passes to someone who is
fit to be a wali, so it may pass from her father to her grandfather, for example."

To back up this fatwa, we turn to the following hadith narrated in Bukhari:

al-Hasan said: Ma’qil ibn Yassaar told me that [an aayah] was revealed concerning him.
He said: “I married a sister of mine to a man, and he divorced her. When her ‘iddah was
over, he came (back) and asked to marry her (again). I said to him, ‘I married her to you
and I treated you well and honoured you, then you divorced her. And now you come
asking to marry her! No, by Allaah, she will never go back to you!’ He was a man who
had nothing wrong with him, and the woman wanted to go back to him. Then Allaah
revealed this aayah (interpretation of the meaning): ‘…do not prevent them …’ [al-Baqarah
2:232]. So I said, ‘Now I will do it, O Messenger of Allaah.’” So he married her to
him. (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, #4837).

 If the father of a prospect for marriage is an Imam or religious leader, he can act
as a Wali and the Mahram for them and help facilitate the marriage for them.
 What if the Father is not available?
o The preference of the Wali follows the law of inheritance
a. Father
b. If father is not there, then paternal grandfather
c. If not, then son
d. If not, the brother
e. If not, then paternal uncle
f. If none of these people are qualified to do this, then it goes to someone
who is an authority in the community
*The Wali according to most scholars must be a man, but according to Abu
Hanifa it can be a woman

48
*Remember however that all efforts must be made to come to compromises first and
foremost!

2. Offering one’s female family member to a righteous person

 It is allowed in Islam for a father or a brother to offer his female family member
to a person he sees as righteous. But it’s better to not just judge a book by its
cover and better if you get to know the person and then offer.
 Umar ibn Al Khattab (R.A) offered his daughter to Abu Bakr, then Uthman,
and then the Prophet (S.A.W) accepted:

“Narrated Abdullah bin Umar: "When Hafsa became a widow," Umar said, "I met
Abu Bakr and said to him, 'If you wish I will marry Hafsa bint 'Umar to you.' I
waited for a few days then Allah's Apostle asked for her hand. Later Abu Bakr met
me and said, 'Nothing stopped me from returning to you concerning your offer except that
I knew that Allah's Apostle had mentioned (his wish to marry) her, and I could never
let out the secret of Allah's Apostle . If he had left her, I would have accepted
her’”(alBukhari).
 Imam al-Bukhari rahimhullah, the great scholar of Sahih Al-Bukhari, has a
whole chapter on this fact and states it is permissible to give a female member to
Ahl-Ul-Khair. (people of righteousness)

 Stories of Inspiration:

- Story of Sa’id ibn Musayyib: Sa’id ibn Musayyib was a judge during the period of
Imam Malik. The politicians wanted to marry into the family of the fuqaha, but Sa’id
offered his daughter to one of his widowed student. One a cold rainy night, Sa’id dropped
his daughter off to the student’s house “You shouldn’t be alone tonight”. When husband
advanced, the daughter fainted. He then got worried and called his neighbors. They woke
her up threw a party (a waleemah) and everything went well. The next morning the husband
attempts to go to class. The wife asks “Where are you going?” He says he is going to the
halaqah. She says “sit down, I will give you the knowledge of Sa’id.”

- Al Imam al Kasani: Al Kasani is the author of many books of the Hanafi fiqh. His
sheikh offered him his daughter Fatima for the commentary of Al Bada was Sama’a.
He loved her so much that when she passed away he would visit her grave every Thursday
evening because he loved her so much.

49
3. Direct proposal to a man: is it allowable?

Islamically, she is allowed to. But realize that culture has made this practice disliked for
the most part. Imam Bukhari rahimhullah has a whole chapter showing that this can be
done with the following narration:

“Narrated Sahl bin Sad: While we were sitting in the company of the Prophet a woman
came to him and presented herself (for marriage) to him. The Prophet looked at her,
lowering his eyes and raising them, but did not give a reply. One of his companions said,
"Marry her to me O Allah's Apostle!" The Prophet asked (him), "Have you got
anything?" He said, "I have got nothing." The Prophet said, "Not even an iron ring?"
He said, "Not even an iron ring, but I will tear my garment into two halves and give her
one half and keep the other half." The Prophet; said, "No. Do you know some of the
Quran (by heart)?" He said, "Yes." The Prophet said, "Go, I have agreed to marry her
to you with what you know of the Qur'an (as her Mahr)." 'And for those who have no
courses (i.e. they are still immature). (65.4) And the 'Iddat for the girl before puberty is
three months (in the above Verse). (alBukhari)”

Also, we know that Khadija (ra) proposed to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh).

Sheikh Yasser shared an interesting story that happened in Medina. A student

studying sharia' was approached by woman in niqaab who said As-salaamu Alaykum.
He was surprised. She said to him, “I joined university last year and I've been hearing
good things about you. I would like to follow the sunnah of a woman proposing to a man
and I would like to marry someone like you.' Then she gave the evidence of the sunnah.
He was so shy that he ran away. He was speechless. She kept after him sending other
messengers. In the end he became so nervous he didn't know what to do, so he started
saying no repeatedly. Then a brother came to him and said my wife wants to talk to you,
is that okay with you? He said, “if you don't mind, then I don't mind if she talks to me.”
So the sister spoke to him (in the presence of her husband) and said, “I know the sister
who proposed to you, and she's a wonderful lady, etc.” When she finished her talking he
said, “I know about all of these things but I'm not interested in getting married right
now.” So she started telling him again, and he repeated, “I'm not interested in getting
married right now.” She said, “what do you think of yourself, you are going to lose this
opportunity!” So the wife's husband looked at his friend and asked, “why don't you stop
her?” He did just that and eventually he moved somewhere else and married someone else.

50
Looking at the Opposite Sex

1. Ruling on lowering one’s gaze:

 It is obligatory for the one not genuinely interested in marriage to lower his gaze in
all circumstances. The ruling is derived from:

َ‫ﻦ ﺃَﺑْﺼَﺎﺭِﻫِﻦﱠ ﻭَﻳَﺤْﻔَﻈْﻦ‬ ْ ِ‫( ﻭَﻗُﻞ ﻟﱢﻠْﻤُﺆْﻣِﻨَﺎﺕِ ﻳَﻐْﻀُﻀْﻦَ ﻣ‬30) َ‫ﻗُﻞ ﻟﱢﻠْﻤُﺆْﻣِﻨِﲔَ ﻳَ ُﻐﻀﱡﻮﺍ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﺑْﺼَﺎﺭِﻫِﻢْ ﻭَﻳَﺤْﻔَﻈُﻮﺍ ﻓُﺮُﻭﺟَﻬُﻢْ ﺫَﻟِﻚَ ﺃَﺯْﻛَﻰ ﻟَﻬُﻢْ ﻳَﺼْﻨَﻌُﻮﻥ‬
ِ‫ﻦ ﻭَﻻَ ﻳُﺒْﺪِﻳﻦَ ﺯِﻳﻨَﺘَﻬُﻦﱠ ﺇِﻟﱠﺎ ﻣَﺎ ﻇَﻬَﺮَ ﻣِﻨْﻬَﺎ ﻭَﻟْﻴَﻀْﺮِﺑْﻦَ ﺑِﺨُﻤُﺮِﻫِﻦﱠ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺟُﻴُﻮﺑِﻬِﻦﱠ ﻭَﻻَ ﻳُﺒْﺪِﻳﻦَ ﺯِﻳﻨَﺘَﻬُﻦﱠ ﺇِﻟﱠﺎ ﻟِﺒُﻌُﻮﻟَﺘِﻬِﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭْ ﺁﺑَﺎﺋِﻬِﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭْ ﺁﺑَﺎﺀ‬ ‫ﻓُﺮُﻭﺟَﻬُ ﱠ‬
‫ﻦ ﺃَﻭْ ﻣَﺎ ﻣَﻠَﻜَﺖْ ﺃَﳝْ َﺎﻧُﻬُﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭِ ﺍﻟﺘﱠﺎﺑِﻌِﲔَ ﻏَﻴْﺮِ ﺃُﻭْﻟِﻲ‬ ‫ﻦ ﺃَﻭْ ﻧِﺴَﺎﺋِﻬِ ﱠ‬‫ﻦ ﺃَ ْﻭ ﺑَﻨِﻲ ﺇِﺧْﻮَﺍﻧِﻬِﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭْ ﺑَﻨِﻲ ﺃَﺧَﻮَﺍﺗِﻬِ ﱠ‬‫ﺧﻮَﺍﻧِﻬِ ﱠ‬
ْ ِ‫ﺑُﻌُﻮﻟَﺘِﻬِﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭْ ﺃَﺑْﻨَﺎﺋِﻬِﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭْ ﺃَﺑْﻨَﺎﺀِ ﺑُﻌُﻮﻟَﺘِﻬِﻦﱠ ﺃَﻭْ ﺇ‬
ِ‫ﻦ ﻟِﻴُﻌْﻠَﻢَ ﻣَﺎ ﻳُﺨْﻔِﲔَ ﻣِﻦ ﺯِﻳﻨَﺘِﻬِﻦﱠ ﻭَﺗُﻮﺑُﻮﺍ ﺇِﻟَﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪ‬ ‫ﻝ ﺃَﻭِ ﺍﻟﻄﱢﻔْﻞِ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻳﻦَ ﻟَﻢْ ﻳَﻈْﻬَﺮُﻭﺍ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﻋَﻮْﺭَﺍﺕِ ﺍﻟ ﱢﻨﺴَﺎﺀِ ﻭَﻻَ ﻳَﻀْﺮِﺑْﻦَ ﺑِﺄَﺭْﺟُﻠِﻬِ ﱠ‬ ِ ‫ﺍﻹِْﺭْﺑَﺔِ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟ ﱢﺮﺟَﺎ‬
(31) َ‫ﺟَﻤِﻴﻌ ًﺎ ﺃَ ﱡﻳﻬَﺎ ﺍﳌُْﺆْﻣِﻨُﻮﻥَ ﻟَﻌَﻠﱠﻜُﻢْ ﺗُﻔْﻠِﺤُﻮﻥ‬

Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts
(from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allâh is All-Aware of what they do.
And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private
parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.) and not to show off their adornment except only that which is apparent
(like palms of hands or one eye or both eyes for necessity to see the way, or outer dress like veil, gloves,
head-cover, apron, etc.), and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna (i.e. their bodies, faces, necks and
bosoms, etc.) and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband's fathers,
their sons, their husband's sons, their brothers or their brother's sons, or their sister's sons, or their
(Muslim) women (i.e. their sisters in Islâm), or the (female) slaves whom their right hands possess, or old
male servants who lack vigour, or small children who have no sense of the shame of sex. And let them not
stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allâh to forgive you
all, O believers, that you may be successful” (alQur’an 30-31

 Allah knows what our hearts conceal and what our eyes reveal. (Ghafir:19) Ibn
Abbas commented on this verse of Surat al-Ghafir, and said it is revealed for men
who are guarding their sight but looking for an opportunity to look.
 Although Allah addresses them both, it is more of an obligation on men than on
women to lower their gazes. This is proven by the hadith in which the Prophet
(S.A.W) allowed ‘Aisha to look at men:

“Narrated Aisha: Allah's Apostle (p.b.u.h) came to my house while two girls were
singing beside me the songs of Buath (a story about the war between the two tribes of the
Ansar, the Khazraj and the Aus, before Islam). The Prophet (p.b.u.h) lay down and
turned his face to the other side. Then Abu Bakr came and spoke to me harshly saying,
"Musical instruments of Satan near the Prophet (p.b.u.h) ?" Allah's Apostle (p.b.u.h)
turned his face towards him and said, "Leave them." When Abu Bakr became
inattentive, I signalled to those girls to go out and they left. It was the day of 'Id, and
the Black people were playing with shields and spears; so either I requested the Prophet
(p.b.u.h) or he asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the

51
affirmative. Then the Prophet (p.b.u.h) made me stand behind him and my cheek was
touching his cheek and he was saying, "Carry on! O Bani Arfida," till I got tired. The
Prophet (p.b.u.h) asked me, "Are you satisfied (Is that sufficient for you)?" I replied in
the affirmative and he told me to leave. (alBukhari)”

 There is also a narration that comes to mind about the Prophet’s treatment of his
wives in their menstrual cycles:
“Narrated Umm Salama: While I was laying with the Prophet under a single woolen
sheet, I got the menses. I slipped away and put on the clothes for menses. He said,
"Have you got "Nifas" (menses)?" I replied, "Yes." He then called me and made me lie
with him under the same sheet. (alBukhari)

2. Exemptions
a) In court- If you have to help identify a criminal or be an eye-witness, there is
no harm to look at the opposite gender but your intention must be sincere and gaze
should be controlled.
b) Marriage Prospect
c) Under age of puberty

Looking At One's Prospective Bride

1. Legal Ruling – Mustahab. This has been mentioned before as the Prophet
(S.A.W) allowed Mughirah bin Sh’ubah to look at her to increase his chances of
wanting her. Also, in another hadith, a man engaged a woman from Al-Ansaar and
Rasool-Allah SAWS asked Did you see her? He said no, so Rasool-Allah
SAWS said go see her because the relationship will last longer between you.
2. Reason of Permissibility – physical attraction in order to pursue marriage.
3. Condition of Permissibility- genuine intention for marriage.
4. The procedure- You should look before the proposal for as long as it takes to
determine if you want to marry this person.

Questionable Ways

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1) Sneak a peek- This is acceptable as mentioned before BUT only with a genuine
intention to marry her. It is not acceptable to go looking at 50 sisters with no readiness
or intention of marriage.
2) Hidden Cameras- This is not acceptable.
3) Looking in to a picture- This is allowed as mentioned before, with the supervision of
the Wali. The pictures should not be downloadable.
4) Looking through the internet- Once again, it is allowed with wali’s supervision and no
downloadable.
5) Being in privacy without Mahram- NO!!!
6) Public place along without a Mahram- NO!!!
7) Casual situation without her knowledge- This is allowed and a good intention is
prescribed.

Consequences of a Marriage Contract

1. Kind treatment

And he (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best of you is the one
who is best to his women, and I am the best of you to my women” (atTimidhi).

2. The conjugal right of ‘enjoying the spouse’

 As we know, this is not allowed in celibate marriage.

3. The move to his residence

 Of course this does not apply to his last name also. Adopting the husband’s last
name is haram. That is an innovation of culture.
 Once they consummate the husband is responsible for providing for her.

4. The Dower

 Due at consummation, and if not specified, can be decided by the Judge (in and
Islamic court).

5. Sustenance and Spending

 The husband is responsible for taking care of his wife.

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6. Establishment of affinity (unmarriageable kin)

7. Verification of child’s lineage

 Assumption is the child is legitimate even if the family members live far away.
For most ulama, this is fornication (zina) and adultery if this is far away. Some
(as in very few) Ulama give benefit of the doubt and might claim that by a
Karaamat, she was distant.

8. Establishment of inheritance right

 Yes and this is even before consummation.

9. Right of obedience to husband

 If there’s a conflict before consummation of marriage, the husband does not have a
right to be obeyed, as of yet. She obeys her father in this case. Once the marriage
is consummated, her obedience is to her husband above her father.

10. Right of husband to chastise wife

 This is the right of the husband to discipline his wife if she is doing wrong in her
actions and duties. This is of course in no way supportive of many of the acts of
Muslim husbands of today who have beaten their wives bloody and caged them in
their homes. Islam is different from the actions of Muslims. Islam is from
Allah and what comes from the One who is All-Pure is pure.
 Perhaps an explanation of the ayah in the Quran is due for the verse:

ُّ‫ﺾ ﻭَﲟَِﺎ ﺃَﻧﻔَﻘُﻮﺍْ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﻣْﻮَﺍﻟِﻬِﻢْ ﻓَﺎﻟﺼﱠﺎﳊَِﺎﺕُ ﻗَﺎﻧِﺘَﺎﺕٌ ﺣَﺎﻓِﻈَﺎﺕٌ ﱢﻟﻠْﻐَﻴْﺐِ ﲟَِﺎ ﺣَﻔِﻆَ ﺍﷲ‬ ٍ ْ‫ﻀﻞَ ﺍﷲُّ ﺑَﻌْﻀَﻬُﻢْ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺑَﻌ‬‫ﻝ ﻗَﻮﱠﺍﻣُﻮﻥَ ﻋَﻠ َﻰ ﺍﻟ ﱢﻨﺴَﺎﺀ ﲟَِﺎ ﻓَ ﱠ‬
ُ ‫ﺍﻟﺮﱢﺟَﺎ‬
‫ﻦ ﻭَﺍﻫْﺠُﺮُﻭﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓِﻲ ﺍﳌَْﻀَﺎﺟِﻊِ ﻭَﺍﺿْﺮِﺑُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓَﺈِﻥْ ﺃَﻃَﻌْﻨَﻜُﻢْ ﻓَﻼَ َﺗﺒْﻐُﻮﺍْ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻦﱠ ﺳَﺒِﻴﻼً ﺇِﻥﱠ ﺍﷲَّ ﻛَﺎﻥَ َﻋﻠِﻴًّﺎ ﻛَﺒِﻴﺮًﺍ‬
‫ﻦ ﻓَﻌِﻈُﻮﻫُ ﱠ‬
‫ﻭَﺍﻟﻼﱠﺗ ِﻲ ﺗَﺨَﺎﻓُﻮﻥَ ﻧُﺸُﻮﺯَﻫُ ﱠ‬

As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first),
(Next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly); but if They return to obedience,
seek not against them means (of annoyance. Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great”
(alQur’an 4:34).

 This is a sequence of steps a husband must use in disciplinary action only upon a
wife who is outwardly refusing to obey. And this is after many words of
warning and pleading with her to stop her disobedience. For a woman to have so

54
much nerve to be that disobedient, then the next step is taken and he doesn't have
intercourse with her for a long period of time, to the point that she might be
emotionally affected with her husband refusing to sleep with her. And if that
wasn't enough, then and ONLY then may the husband use the prescription of a
light beating. Now what does light beating entail? We turn to the sunnah of
RasulAllah for this. He (pbuh) said that this involves using a miswak and lightly
tapping her with the miswak as a physical signal to stop her disobedience. Truly,
for every illness there is a cure, and the cure for the disease of ignorance is
knowledge.

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 Chapter 3 - Marital Rights

ٌ‫ﻦ ﺩَﺭَﺟَ ٌﺔ ﻭَﺍﷲُّ ﻋَﺰِﻳﺰٌ ﺣَﻜُﻴﻢ‬

‫ﻭَﻟَ ُﻬﻦﱠ ﻣِﺜْﻞُ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻱ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻦﱠ ﺑِﺎﳌَْﻌْﺮُﻭﻑِ ﻭَﻟِﻠﺮﱢﺟَﺎﻝِ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِ ﱠ‬
“… And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is
equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. and Allah is Exalted In power,
wise” (alQur’an 2:228).

Gender Equity in Islam

1. Are men and women equal?

When answering this question we first need to ask “Equal in what?” Are we
talking physically, spiritually, mentally or in the sight of Allah? If the answer to
this question is physically, then it is clear that the answer is no. The body of the
man is not like the body of the woman. Since our physical abilities are determined
by the structure of our bodies we can argue confidently that men and women
generally do not have the same physical abilities.
If we are asking about our equality in terms of our spiritually or in the sight of
Allah then it is clear that Islam does not differentiate between men and women.
Both sexes have an equal opportunity to become close to Allah and to attain His
ultimate reward. Allah tells us in the Qur’an in Surat Al-Hadid of both
believing men and believing woman achieving the supreme success:

َ‫ﺕ ﻳَﺴْﻌَﻰ ﻧُﻮﺭُﻫُﻢ َﺑﲔَْ ﺃَﻳْﺪِﻳﻬِﻢْ ﻭَﺑِﺄَﳝَْﺎﻧِﻬِﻢ ﺑُﺸْﺮَﺍﻛُﻢُ ﺍﻟْﻴَﻮْﻡ‬ ِ ‫ﻳَﻮْﻡَ َﺗﺮَﻯ ﺍﳌُْﺆْﻣِﻨِﲔَ ﻭَﺍﳌُْﺆْﻣِﻨَﺎ‬
ُ‫ﺟَﻨﱠﺎﺕٌ ﲡَْﺮِﻱ ﻣِﻦ ﲢَْﺘِﻬَﺎ ﺍﻷَْﻧْﻬَﺎﺭُ ﺧَﺎﻟِﺪِﻳﻦَ ﻓِﻴﻬَﺎ ﺫَﻟِﻚَ ﻫُﻮَ ﺍﻟْﻔَﻮْﺯُ ﺍﻟْﻌَﻈِﻴﻢ‬
One Day shalt Thou see the believing men and the believing women- How their light runs
forward before them and by their right hands: (Their greeting will be): "Good news for you
This day! Gardens beneath which flow rivers! to dwell therein for aye! This is indeed the
highest Achievement!" (alQur’an 57:12).

56
 We find many other such ayahs all over the Qur’an. Allah gives both men and
women equal chances to earn His pleasure and reward. It is surprising to note that
Islam is attacked by claims that it does not treat women on the same level as men.
In fact, it is the Christians who held a conference to determine if women have
souls or not. Not too long ago -in this country and in almost every other western
country- women were looked at as property instead of individuals. It was well-
known that the woman and everything she owned belonged to her father and then to
her husband when she got married. It is only over the last 100 or 200 years that
the Western world has started to look down on the position of women in Islam.
Before this Islam was the one calling for women rights and tolerance.

Allah has created us to complete each other and not to compete against
each other.

2. Differences or Preferences?
The mother of Maryam said “And the female is not like the male.”

ُ‫ﺏ ﺇِﻧﱢﻲ ﻭَﺿَﻌْﺘُﻬَﺎ ﺃُﻧﺜَﻰ ﻭَﺍﷲُّ ﺃَﻋْﻠَﻢُ ﲟَِﺎ ﻭَﺿَﻌَﺖْ ﻭَﻟَﻴْﺲَ ﺍﻟﺬﱠﻛَﺮ‬ ‫ﻓَﻠَﻤﱠﺎ ﻭَﺿَﻌَﺘْﻬَﺎ ﻗَﺎﻟَﺖْ ﺭَ ﱢ‬
ِ‫ﻛَﺎﻷُﻧﺜَﻰ ﻭَﺇِﻧﱢﻲ ﺳَﻤﱠﻴْﺘُﻬَﺎ ﻣَﺮْﱘَ ﻭِﺇِﻧﱢﻲ ﺃُﻋِﻴﺬُﻫَﺎ ﺑِﻚَ ﻭَﺫُ ﱢﺭﻳﱠﺘَﻬَﺎ ﻣِﻦَ ﺍﻟﺸﱠﻴْﻄَﺎﻥِ ﺍﻟﺮﱠﺟِﻴﻢ‬
When she was delivered, she said: "O My Lord! Behold! I am delivered of a female
child!"- and Allah knew best what she brought forth- "And the male is not like the
female. I have named Her Mary, and I commend Her and Her offspring to Thy
protection from the evil one, the rejected" (alQur’an 3:36).

It is because of the differences between men and women that preferences are given. In the
case of being the head of the household the man is given the position because of his
physical ability as well as the ability to make a decision and then stick to it. The woman
on the other hand would think both rationally and emotionally at the same time, which
would sometimes make it very hard to make a decision. She would also be very hard on
herself if for some reason her decision proves to be wrong. It is also because of the kind
and gentle nature of the woman that she is made the caretaker of the child until he/she is a
little older. The mother tries to make the child feel comfortable at all times. She is the one
that gets out of the bed in the middle of the night when her child is crying. The father on
the other hand, because of his nature, would become very annoyed with the child. This is
preference because of the nature of the woman.

57
 3. The natural differences between men and women:
– Physiological differences
- When it comes to using the brain men and women are very different. Men are
only able to use one side of their brain at a time and so if they are being rational, emotions
will have no part in the argument. However, if they are emotional they do not think
rationally. Women on the other hand are able to use both parts of their brains at the same
time. This can be seen when the woman takes care of the kids and cooks at the same time.
She is able to tend to her kids and remember what time the food has to come out of the
oven. This gift can sometimes work against the woman when it comes to making decision
that affect people. This is one of the wisdoms behind why the men were made the leader of
the home.
– Emotional differences
As is well known women are more emotional than men and so things around
them affect them more than it affects men. Allah has blessed women with a
very soft nature and so a small word might affect them a lot. They can become
happy or sad by a single word.
– Neurological differences
This is where most of the debate starts. The following Hadith is usually
quoted:

Narrated Abi SaidAl Khudri:

“I have not seen anyone more diminished (decreased) in perception and religion than
you. A cautious sensible man could lose his firmness and determination by some
of you. The women asked: O Messenger of Allah! What is diminished
(decreased) in our perception and religion? He said: Is not the witness of two
women equal to the witness of one man? They replied in the affirmative. He said:
This is the diminution (decrease) in perception. Isn’t it true that a woman can
neither pray nor fast during her menses? The women replied in the affirmative. He
said: this is the diminution in your religion” (Bukhari and Muslim).

The translation of the this Hadith usually found in the books of Hadith would use the
words ‘intelligence’ and ‘deficient’ where this translation uses ‘perception’ and ‘diminished’
respectively. This translation can be found in the course book for Fiqh of Love taught by
Sheikh Yasir Birjas.

The word ‫ ﻋﻘﻞ‬does not mean intelligence but perception. Men and woman see things
differently. The proof that the Prophet gave for the ‫ ﻋﻘﻞ‬being diminished was testimony in

58
financial transactions. Testimony does not need intelligence so ‫ ﻋﻘﻞ‬cannot mean intelligence.
In some cases the testimony of one woman is more worthy than the testimony of 100 men.
In one instance in the time of the Prophet and woman came and told a married couple that
she had breastfed both of them. This meant that they were mahram and so it was Haraam
for them to be married. The man complained to the Prophet that this was only one lady and
that he and his wife had been married for a number of years and even had kids together.
The Prophet then asked the man how is it possible to stay with her once he knows that
they are Haraam for each other? In this instance the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) only
needed the witness of one woman to dissolve the marriage of these Sahaabahs. As for
the diminution in religion, this just means that they have less of a responsibility in
Ibaadah. Even though the woman is physically able to pray and fast during her period, the
responsibility of praying and fasting during this time is lifted from her. If we really want
to be fair looking at this Hadeeth then we would have to say that this Hadith of the
Prophet is a compliment and a warning for women. Women have the power to cause even
the best man to lose his senses and do things that he would not normally do. This power
that Allah has granted women should be kept under control and used only for the pleasure
of Allah.

Rights and Obligations

1. Differences of rights or preferences?
As we have mentioned before the rights and obligations given to each gender by
Allah and His messenger are due to their abilities and so they can be considered
as preferences due to differences. Men and women have even rights and obligations
because of the nature that Allah has created them with.

2. Equal rights & obligations between man & woman

 The man and the woman are equal in humanity
 They both have souls and so are equal in spirituality
 Men and Woman are equal in the opportunity of getting closer to Allah.
 Men are women are allowed to own their own property

3. Different rights & obligations between man & woman

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 In inheritance law, men take 2 shares while women take 1. This is in no way
discrimination of women. The man is the one responsible for taking care of
everything in the home after his father passes away and so his sister is now under
his care. He must now provide for her and take care of her using the money he
received from his father. The money that the woman inherits from her father is her
own money to spend of as she likes. This money does not need to be used to take
care of her since it is either the responsibility of her brother or her husband to take
care of her and provide for her needs.

In Islam it is the obligation of the wife to take care of the children until they are
7 years old.

The Rights of Spouses

1. Mutual Rights
 Having the right to enjoy one another
It is the right of both the husband and the wife to be able to enjoy each other to the
fullest. The enjoyment should be both physically and mentally.

 Treating each other with good manners

This is very important for any marriage to prosper. If one of the two abuses the
other, then the marriage will quickly fall apart. Allah has given men the upper hand
in the home so as not to abuse their wives but to take care of them and treat them in
the best way. The Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) said in a Hadith:

“The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my
family” (At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah)

 Establishing the right of inheritance

Once the couple has married, then the laws of inheritance apply on both of them,
even if the marriage is not yet consummated. If the man dies then the woman has a
right to inherit from him and vice versa.

2. The Rights of the Husband

 Obedience
This is a right that the husband has even over the right of obedience that the father
has over the woman. Once the command of the husband does not go against the

60
 Shariah then the wife is obligated to obey him. This is part of the Qiwaam that
Allah has granted to the man.

ْ‫ﻀﻞَ ﺍﷲُّ ﺑَﻌْﻀَﻬُﻢْ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺑَﻌْﺾٍ َﻭﲟَِﺎ ﺃَﻧﻔَﻘُﻮﺍْ ﻣِﻦ‬ ‫ﲟَﺎ ﻓَ ﱠ‬

ِ ‫ﺍﻟﺮﱢﺟَﺎﻝُ ﻗَﻮﱠﺍﻣُﻮﻥَ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺍﻟﻨﱢﺴَﺎﺀ‬
َ‫ﷲّ ﻭَﺍﻟﻼﱠﺗِﻲ ﺗَﺨَﺎﻓُﻮﻥ‬ ُ ‫ﺃَﻣْﻮَﺍﻟِﻬِﻢْ ﻓَﺎﻟﺼﱠﺎﳊَِﺎﺕُ ﻗَﺎﻧِﺘَﺎﺕٌ ﺣَﺎﻓِﻈَﺎﺕٌ ﻟﱢﻠْﻐَﻴْﺐِ ﲟَِﺎ ﺣَﻔِﻆَ ﺍ‬
ْ‫ﻫﻦﱠ ﻓَﻌِﻈُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﻭَﺍﻫْﺠُﺮُﻭﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓِﻲ ﺍﳌَْﻀَﺎﺟِﻊِ ﻭَﺍﺿْﺮِﺑُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓَﺈِﻥْ ﺃَﻃَﻌْﻨَﻜُﻢْ ﻓَﻼَ ﺗَﺒْﻐُﻮﺍ‬ ُ َ‫ﻧُﺸُﻮﺯ‬
‫ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻦﱠ ﺳَﺒِﻴﻼً ﺇِﻥﱠ ﺍﷲَّ ﻛَﺎﻥَ ﻋَﻠِﻴًّﺎ ﻛَﺒِﻴﺮًﺍ‬
“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more
(strength) than the other, and because They support them from their means. Therefore the
righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard In (the husband's) absence what Allah
would have them guard. As to those women on whose part you fear disloyalty and ill-
conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them
(lightly); but if They return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance.)
Surely, Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great” (alQur’an 4:34).

The man is the head of the home but the woman is the neck and
wherever the neck goes the head follows. -Bosnian Saying

Related to this statement is an example of a Islamic Scholar, Abdur-

Razzaq as-San-aa'a-ee, who lived in the early to middle part of the the 3rd century
hijri, became upset with his students one time and stopped teaching them. The
students went to many different people to intercede on their behalf to continue the
halaqat. Then one quoted the above “gem” and told them to ask his wife to
intercede on the students behalf. The students took the advice, and after doing this,
the wife confidently said, “He'll be there tomorrow.” And sure enough, they found
their Sheikh Abdur-Razzaq ready to teach class the next day. They asked them
what brought him back, and he said,

"The intercessor who comes to you well-dressed is not the same as the intercessor
who comes to you undressed."

We now resume with the rights to the husband!

 Remaining in the house, and leaving with permission

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 The wife must not leave the home except with the permission of her husband. This
does not refer to going to places such as the supermarket or to take the kids to
school. Errands such as these could be issued a general permission by the husband.
The permission that is required is for going out with friends and to other events.
Even though this is the case the man should not be obsessive since it damages the
relationship.

 Responding to his call when he calls her to bed

The Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) said:
“If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he remains angry with her
overnight, the angels will curse her until morning.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

It is a very grave sin for a woman to refuse to have relations with her husband if
she has no pressing reason to refuse. If the woman has valid reasons, the man
should take her feelings into consideration and wait until a better time for her. The
man should also remember that making the woman happy by talking to her and
making her feel better can motivate her to have relations with him. The man should
be smart and instead of demanding intercourse he should try to get his wife in the
mood so that they can fulfill their desires.

 Protecting his house in his absence

She should not let anyone in that the husband does not want. This is especially so
for other men. The wife should never allow any other man to enter the house of her
husband when he is not there. Also, if there is a friend of the woman that the
husband does not like, he can also forbid her from bringing this friend home.

 Serving the husband

This is according to the customs. But the men should help out so that the love will
increase.

 Protecting his honor, children and wealth

The man has the right to object when his wife is talking to people who he does not
want her to talk to.

 Being thankful to him

If the man is doing his job then she should show gratitude for what he is doing if
he is doing it correctly. Men love to be thanked for what they do. Everything they
do is for their family and so thanking him will increase the love between the couple.

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  Chastisement

ُّ‫ﺾ ﻭَﲟَِﺎ ﺃَﻧﻔَﻘُﻮﺍْ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَﻣْﻮَﺍﻟِﻬِﻢْ ﻓَﺎﻟﺼﱠﺎﳊَِﺎﺕُ ﻗَﺎﻧِﺘَﺎﺕٌ ﺣَﺎﻓِﻈَﺎﺕٌ ﱢﻟﻠْﻐَﻴْﺐِ ﲟَِﺎ ﺣَﻔِﻆَ ﺍﷲ‬ ٍ ْ‫ﻀﻞَ ﺍﷲُّ ﺑَﻌْﻀَﻬُﻢْ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺑَﻌ‬‫ﻝ ﻗَﻮﱠﺍﻣُﻮﻥَ ﻋَﻠ َﻰ ﺍﻟ ﱢﻨﺴَﺎﺀ ﲟَِﺎ ﻓَ ﱠ‬
ُ ‫ﺍﻟﺮﱢﺟَﺎ‬
‫ﻦ ﻭَﺍﻫْﺠُﺮُﻭﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓِﻲ ﺍﳌَْﻀَﺎﺟِﻊِ ﻭَﺍﺿْﺮِﺑُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓَﺈِﻥْ ﺃَﻃَﻌْﻨَﻜُﻢْ ﻓَﻼَ َﺗﺒْﻐُﻮﺍْ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻦﱠ ﺳَﺒِﻴﻼً ﺇِﻥﱠ ﺍﷲَّ ﻛَﺎﻥَ َﻋﻠِﻴًّﺎ ﻛَﺒِﻴﺮًﺍ‬
‫ﻦ ﻓَﻌِﻈُﻮﻫُ ﱠ‬
‫ﻭَﺍﻟﻼﱠﺗ ِﻲ ﺗَﺨَﺎﻓُﻮﻥَ ﻧُﺸُﻮﺯَﻫُ ﱠ‬

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the
other, and because They support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly
obedient, and guard In (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on
whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (and
last) beat them (lightly); but if They return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance. Surely,
Allâh is Ever Most High, Most Great” (alQur’an 4:34).

This misconception was covered earlier, but will be reiterated here for emphasis. Islam
allows the man to discipline his wife if the need arises. This permission should not be
abused and the rules and regulations that are required must be adhered to before punishment
is actually meted out. The man should not beat the wife out of rage and contempt, but
instead it should be a display of his extreme displeasure with whatever she has done.
There should also be no mark on the woman after she has been disciplined. Even though
Islam allows this type of punishment, men should remember the wonderful example of our
Prophet who never used physical punishment on his wives. The only time the Prophet ever
raised his hands on any of his wives is when he pushed Aisha in her chest because she
assumed that he was going to leave her in the night for one of his other wives. Allah has
told us in many parts of the Qur’an that we should follow the example of the Prophet.
The Prophet has told us:

“The best of you is the one who is best to his family, and I am the best of you to my
family.” (At-Tirmidhi and Ibn Majah)

3. The Rights of the Wife

 Treating her in a kind and good manner
As the maintainer and protector of the house the husband, must treat his wife in a
good and kind manner. Spousal abuse is one of the biggest problems in marriages.
This is especially the case with those people that have very little knowledge of the
deen. It is only with mutual kindness that any marriage with last and move
forward. Once there is abuse on either side the marriage will definitely deteriorate.
 Teaching her the matters of the religion – worship
The best gift a man can give to his wife is knowledge of Islam. As the head of
the home the man should have a very sound knowledge of the deen so that he can
make the correct decisions and guide his family to Jannah. It is the responsibility

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 of the man to ensure that his family has the correct understanding and practice of
Islam. Allah has told us in Surat At-Tahrim:

‫ﻳَﺎ ﺃَﻳﱡﻬَﺎ ﺍﻟﱠﺬِﻳﻦَ ﺁﻣَﻨُﻮﺍﻗُﻮﺍ ﺃَﻧﻔُﺴَﻜُﻢْ َﻭﺃَﻫْﻠِﻴﻜُﻢْ ﻧَﺎﺭًﺍ ﻭَﻗُﻮﺩُﻫَﺎ ﺍﻟﻨﱠﺎﺱُ ﻭَﺍﳊِْﺠَﺎﺭَﺓُﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬَﺎ‬
َ‫ﻣَﻼَﺋِﻜَﺔٌ ﻏِﻼَﻅٌ ﺷِﺪَﺍﺩٌ ﻻَ ﻳَﻌْﺼُﻮﻥَ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪَ ﻣَﺎ ﺃَﻣَﺮَﻫُﻤْﻮَﻳَﻔْﻌَﻠُﻮﻥَ ﻣَﺎ ﻳُﺆْﻣَﺮُﻭﻥ‬
“O ye who believe! save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is men and
stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing)
the commands They receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what They are commanded”
(alQur’an 66:6).

 Maintaining her chastity

It is not only the responsibility of the wife to fulfill the desires of the husband.
The man must also be able to physically please his wife so that she does not have
to look for pleasure elsewhere. The man has to give enough time for foreplay so
that the woman will be satisfied.

 Financially maintaining her

This is the most important responsibility of the man. It is the husband who needs
to provide everything that is needed for the family to live a decent life. The man has
to provide the food, clothes and shelter the family needs to survive. Islamically, the
wife has no obligation to use her money to provide any of the needs of the
household. However, if she decides to help, then her reward is with Allah.

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 Life of Rasulullah
(peace and blessings be upon him)

As for our noble Prophet (Peace be upon him), we learn a lot of lessons from studying
his life in terms of how he acted with his wives. There are many actions that he used to
do to get closer to his wives and to leave them with constant reminders of how much he
loved them. Some Muslim uncles and aunties have lost touch with this Sunnah though
they claim to love the Prophet (Peace be upon him). Sometimes we forget that he was an
example in every aspect of life from the community example to the domestic example.

His wives also loved him so much that they would compete for his affection. They were
two rival teams; one led by ‘Aisha (May Allah be pleased with her), with Hafsa,
Safiyya, and Sauda against the team of Umm Salama with Zaynab and Maimuna.

We also have to remember that as a normal man, he married only one wife, Khadijah.
As a Prophet, he had multiple marriages. Some of them he chose on his own. Generally
though, Allah swt guided the prophet in choosing his wives so as to bring some benefit
for the call of Islam.

Chararcteristics of his (pbuh) Marriage Life

1. More than one wife

As we mentioned that as a Prophet, he married more than one wife. Some of these
marriages were ordered by Allah like the marriage of Zainab, his first cousin, in order
to set standards for who Muslims could marry. Some marriages were with the view to
help widows whose husbands had been killed for the sake of Islam. Others were to
cement relationships with devoted followers like Abu Bakr, may Allah be pleased with
him. Nevertheless, women were made beloved to him. He said:

 “Made beloved to me from your world are women and perfume, and the coolness of
my eyes is in prayer.” (Ahmad and AnNasa 'i)
 “The world and all things in it are precious, and the most precious thing in the
world is a virtuous woman.” (Ahmad and Muslim)

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2. Drawing Lots

 Whenever the Prophet (Peace be upon him) would travel; he would draw lots to
see which of his wives would go with him. It was really amazing how he would
even encourage them indirectly to compete with each other to spread his love for
them and theirs for him.

3. Being Playful

 The Prophet (Peace be upon him) would always have a playful attitude with his
wives. This was demonstrated by the fact that he would call them loving nicknames.
Instead of calling ‘Aisha with her name, he would call her Aa’ish.
 Also, we all know that the Prophet used to play sports and encourage the
Sahabah to do so. When returning from a battle one time the Prophet went to the
end of the caravan and let the people advance forward. The Prophet (Peace be upon
him) stayed with ‘Aisha and raced with her and she beat him. Of course, he did
not forget the loss and avenged it later when ‘Aisha had gained some weight.
After the race, he laughed jokingly and told her: “This for that.”

4. Food Fights

 ‘Aisha made Khabisa (a type of food) and brought food to Sauda but ‘Aisha
was not known to be a great cook. So when Sauda refused to eat, ‘Aisha told her
to eat or she would smear the food in her face. When Sauda did not eat, ‘Aisha
followed her words with actions. Then the Prophet (Peace be upon him) encouraged
indirectly for Sauda to respond and a crazy food fight pursued. Then he started
laughing when this was all happening.

5. Taking a Shower together

 Aisha narrates, "When I used to take shower with Prophet Muhammad, he

used to tell me, "Keep some water for me," but I used to push his hands and say,"
Keep the water for me." (alBukhari )

6. Practical Jokes

Believe it or not, but the Prophet’s wives did play numerous jokes on him. Sisters
should really not try this at home with their husbands too much.

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  One time, RasulAllah (pbuh) stayed a little longer at Zainab’s house and
‘Aisha noticed this. She realized that this was because of a special honey he liked.
‘Aisha planned with her team to complain about the smell of the honey. The
Prophet (Peace be upon him) hated any bad smell from him and so he forbade honey
for himself. But Allah (swt) rebuked the Prophet (pbuh) for making something
halal into something haram.

ْ‫ﳝَﺎﻧِﻜُﻢْ ﻭَﺍﻟ ﱠﻠﻪُ ﻣَﻮْﻻَﻛُﻢ‬ ْ َ‫ﲢِ ﱠﻠﺔَ ﺃ‬

َ ْ‫( َﻗﺪْ ﻓَﺮَﺽَ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪُ ﻟَﻜُﻢ‬1 ) ٌ‫ﻳَﺎ ﺃَﻳﱡﻬَﺎ ﺍﻟ ﱠﻨﺒِﻲﱡ ﻟِﻢَ ﲢَُﺮﱢﻡُ ﻣَﺎ ﺃَﺣَﻞﱠ ﺍﻟ ﱠﻠﻪُ ﻟَﻚَ ﺗَﺒْﺘَﻐِﻲ ﻣَﺮْﺿَﺎﺕَ ﺃَﺯْﻭَﺍﺟِﻚَ ﻭَﺍﻟ ﱠﻠﻪُ ﻏَﻔُﻮﺭٌ ﺭﱠﺣِﻴﻢ‬
ْ‫( ﻭَﺇِﺫْ ﺃَﺳَ ﱠﺮ ﺍﻟﻨﱠﺒِﻲﱡ ﺇِﻟ َﻰ ﺑَﻌْﺾِ ﺃَﺯْﻭ َﺍﺟِﻪِ ﺣَﺪِﻳﺜﺎً ﻓَﻠَﻤﱠﺎ ﻧَﺒﱠﺄَﺕْ ﺑِﻪِ ﻭَﺃَﻇْﻬَﺮَﻩُ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪُ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻪِ ﻋَﺮﱠﻑَ ﺑَﻌْﻀَﻪُ ﻭَﺃَﻋْﺮَﺽَ ﻋَﻦ ﺑَﻌْﺾٍ ﻓَﻠَﻤﱠﺎ ﻧَ ﱠﺒﺄَﻫَﺎ ﺑِﻪِ ﻗَﺎﻟَﺖْ ﻣَﻦ‬2 )
ُ‫( ﺇِﻥ ﺗَﺘُﻮﺑَﺎ ﺇِﻟَﻰ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪِ ﻓَﻘَﺪْ ﺻَﻐَﺖْ ﻗُﻠُﻮﺑُﻜُﻤَﺎ ﻭَﺇ ِﻥ ﺗَﻈَﺎﻫَﺮَﺍ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻪِ ﻓَﺈِﻥﱠ ﺍﻟﻠﱠﻪَ ﻫُﻮَ ﻣَﻮْﻻَﻩُ ﻭَﺟِﺒْﺮِﻳﻞُ ﻭَﺻَﺎﻟِﺢ‬3 ) ُ‫ﺃَﻧﺒَﺄَﻙَ ﻫَﺬَﺍ ﻗَﺎﻝَ ﻧَﺒﱠﺄَﻧِﻲَ ﺍﻟْﻌَﻠِﻴﻢُ ﺍﳋَْﺒِﻴﺮ‬
(4 ) ٌ‫ﺍﳌُْﺆْﻣِﻨِﲔَ ﻭَﺍﳌَْﻼَﺋِﻜَﺔُ ﺑَﻌْﺪَ ﺫَﻟِﻚَ ﻇَﻬِﻴﺮ‬

“O Prophet! Why do you ban (for yourself) that which Allâh has made lawful to you, seeking to please
your wives? And Allâh is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. Allâh has already ordained for you (O
men), the dissolution of your oaths. And Allâh is your Maula (Lord, or Master, or Protector, etc.) and
He is the All-Knower, the All-Wise. And (remember) when the Prophet (Peace be upon him) disclosed
a matter in confidence to one of his wives (Hafsah), so when she told it (to another i.e. 'Aishah), and
Allâh made it known to him, he informed part thereof and left a part. Then when he told her (Hafsah)
thereof, she said: "Who told you this?" He said: "The All-Knower, the All-Aware (Allâh) has told
me". If you two (wives of the Prophet, namely 'Aishah and Hafsah) turn in repentance to Allâh, (it will
be better for you), your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet likes), but if you help one
another against him (Muhammad), then verily, Allâh is his Maula (Lord, or Master, or Protector, etc.),
and Jibrael (Gabriel), and the righteous among the believers, and furthermore, the angels are his helpers.”
(alQur’an 66:1-4)

It was this incident that made the Prophet (Peace be upon him) really angry with his
wives and stayed away from them for one month. Then ‘Aisha showed how women are so
unbelievably stubborn to admit they are wrong. The Prophet (Peace be upon him) came
back after 29 days, and she said a month is 30 days, meaning why are you back early? The
Prophet (Peace be upon him), unlike most men, controlled his rightful anger and said, a
month in Islam can be 29 or 30 days.

7. Good Listener

Some women love to talk and don’t know how to stop. Men, on the other hand, don’t have
patience and act like they are listening. So you may recall a man grabbing a paper and
saying, “uh-huh,” to his wife and her getting frustrated and saying, “are you even listening
to me?”

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Our example of excellence, the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him), was quite the
opposite as he shows in this note-worthy incident:

 “A'isha reported that (one day) there sat together eleven women making an explicit
promise amongst themselves that they would conceal nothing about their spouses.
The first one said: My husband is a sort of the meat of a lean camel placed at the
top of a hill, which it is difficult to climb up, nor (the meat) is good enough that one
finds in oneself the urge to take it away (from the top of that mountain).

The second one said: My husband (is so bad) that I am afraid I would not be
able to describe his faults-both visible and invisible completely.

The third one said: My husband is a long-statured fellow (i. e. he lacks

intelligence). If I give vent to my feelings about him, he would divorce me, and if
I keep quiet I would be made to live in a state of suspense (neither completely
abandoned by him nor entertained as wife).

The fourth one said: My husband is like the night of Tihama (the night of Hijaz
and Mecca), neither too cold nor hot, neither there is any fear of him nor grief.

The fifth one said: My husband is (like) a leopard as he enters the house, and
behaves like a lion when he gets out, and he does not ask about that which he leaves
in the house.

The sixth one said: So far as my husband is concerned, he eats so much that
nothing is left back and when he drink, he leaves no drop left behind. And when he
lies down he wraps his body and does not touch me so that he may know my grief.

The seventh one said: My husband is heavy in spirit, having no brightness in him,
impotent, suffering from all kinds of conceivable diseases, heaving such rough
manners that he may break my head or wound my body, or may do both.

The eighth one said: My husband is as sweet as the sweet-smelling plant, and as
soft as the softness of the hare.

The ninth one said: My husband is the master of a lofty building, long-statured,
having heaps of ashes (at his door) and his house is near the meeting place and the
inn.

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The tenth one said: My husband is Malik, and how fine Malik is, much above
appreciation and praise (of mine). He has many folds of his camel, more in number
than the pastures for them. When they (the camels) hear the sound of music they
become sure that they are going to be slaughtered.

The eleventh one said: My husband is Abu Dharr. How fine Abu Dharr is!
He has suspended in my ears heavy ornaments and (fed me liberally) that my sinews
and bones are covered with fat. So he made me happy. He found me among the
shepherds living in the side of the mountain, and he made me the owner of the
horses, camels and lands and heaps of grain and he finds no fault with me. I sleep
and get up in the morning (at my own sweet will) and drink to my heart's content.
The mother of Abu Dharr, how fine is the mother of Abu Dharr! Her bundles
are heavily packed (or receptacles in her house are filled to the brim) and the house
quite spacious. So far as the son of Abu Dharr is concerned, his bed is as soft
as a green palm-stick drawn forth from its bark, or like a sword drawn forth from
its scabbard, and whom just an arm of a lamb is enough to satiate. So far as the
daughter of Abu Dharr is concerned, how fine is the daughter of Abu Dharr,
obedient to her father, obedient to her mother, wearing sufficient flesh and a source
of jealousy for her co-wife. As for the slave-girl of Abu Dharr, how fine is she;
she does not disclose our affairs to others (outside the four walls of the house).
She does not remove our wheat, or provision, or take it forth, or squander it, but
she preserves it faithfully (as a sacred trust). And she does not let the house fill
with rubbish. One day Abu Dharr went out (of his house) when the milk was
churned in the vessels, that he met a woman, having two children like leopards
playing with her pomegranates (chest) under her vest. He divorced me (Umm
Dharr) and married that woman (whom Abu Dharr) met on the way. I (Umm
Dharr) later on married another person, a chief, who was an expert rider, and a fine
archer: he bestowed upon me many gifts and gave me one pair of every kind of
animal and said: Umm Dharr, make use of everything (you need) and send forth to
your parents (but the fact) is that even if I combine all the gifts that he bestowed
upon me, they stand no comparison to the least gift of Abu Dharr. 'A'isha
reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said to me: I am for
you as Abu Dharr was for Umm Dharr” (Muslim).

We learn another important thing about RasulAllah. When he used to listen to

Aisha RA, he wouldn't interrupt her, even if he had heard it before. In this

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 hadith, he let Aisha complete her story. There is no evidence that he SAWS
ever interrupted.

 Also we have an incident where in ‘Ittikaf, Safiyyah came to visit him and she
wanted to talk. A man normally would say he was too busy with worship but the
Prophet (Peace be upon him) talked to her at night, the best time for a man and his
wife.
 The other wives, like ‘Aisha heard about his ‘Itikaaf another year so they started
camping outside his tent in the mosque. They were trying to compete for his love
during Ramadhan. The Prophet promptly stopped doing ‘Itikaaf for that year
because of this excessiveness.
 ‘Aisha and Safiyyah tried to play a practical joke also when they switched each
other’s camels at night. So the Prophet (Peace be upon him) was speaking to
Safiyyah and he though it was ‘Aisha. ‘Aisha really felt angry for doing this
because the Prophet (Peace be upon him), when he realized the joke, still spent the
rest of the night with Safiyyah.

8. Patience and Tolerance

The below narrations show his tolerance and love for his wives even when they grew
irritated in competition:
 “Narrated Anas: While the Prophet was in the house of one of his wives, one
of the mothers of the believers sent a meal in a dish. The wife at whose house the
Prophet was, struck the hand of the servant, causing the dish to fall and break. The
Prophet gathered the broken pieces of the dish and then started collecting on them
the food which had been in the dish and said, "Your mother (my wife) felt jealous."
Then he detained the servant till a (sound) dish was brought from the wife at
whose house he was. He gave the sound dish to the wife whose dish had been
broken and kept the broken one at the house where it had been broken.”(alBukhari)
 “He never abused a domestic worker physically or emotionally and neither did he
beat any of his wives,' said his wife Aisha. (Muslim)”
 ‘Aisha narrates: He enjoyed his meals only when she sat next to him. They drank
from one cup and he watched where she placed her lips so that he could place his
lips on the same area. He ate from a bone after she ate and placed his mouth where
she had eaten. She also said that he placed morsels of food into her mouth and she
would do the same. (Muslim)

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One time, news spread in the city that Rasool-Allah SAWS divorced his wives.
Umar RA ran to his daughter Hafsa and said, "I told you don't compare yourself to
Aisha, what happened, did he divorce you?" He then went to ask Rasool-Allah
SAWS if he did divorce Hafsa. Rasool-Allah SAWS didn't answer. This
indicated that he was very upset (didn't want to talk about it). Umar RA finally got in
after the third try. He saw Rasool-Allah SAWS lying on his side saying nothing.
Umar RA then said a joke, "you know when we were in Makkah, the Qurayshi woman
had a better attitude in the way they treat their husbands. When we came to Madinah we
saw the Ansaari woman controlling their husbands and now our women are picking up
their habits. Rasool-Allah SAWS smiled so Umar felt comfortable and asked, “Did
you divorce your wives?” He said no.

9. Passion and Mercy

 “When Fatima, his daughter, visited him at his house the Prophet would take her
hand, kiss her and make her to sit next to him. She did the same when he visited
her.” (atTirmidhi)
 Aisha said, “A nomad once told Prophet Muhammad, “you kiss the children and
we never do!” Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him and his house)
said, “Has Allah withdrawn mercy out of your hearts?” (alBukhari and Muslim).
Meaning that he who has mercy in his heart for children, this mercy drives him to
kiss them. And he who gets mercy withdrawn from his heart withholds from
kissing them.
 Al-Bara’ (may Allah be pleased with him) said, “I saw the Prophet of Allah
(peace and blessings be upon him and his house) carrying Al-Hassan on his
shoulder, saying, “Oh Allah! I love him so love him.” (alBukhari, Muslim, and
atTirmidhi)
 “The Prophet carried Umama, his grand-daughter, the daughter of his daughter,
Zainab, while praying. He put her down gently when he prostrated.” (alBukhari)

10. His Death

His death was an even more detailed incident that brings tears to the tearless eye. His
wives after consensus, left him alone with ‘Aisha near his death for they knew he wanted
to be with his most beloved in his last moments. He had a very high fever and she also had
a slight one. She would recite Qur’an to him and keep him on her chest after he would lie
on her lap. She saw his love for a companion’s miswak and so she grabbed it for him. He
started using it and then she saw that he was about to leave. He said to her, “…to the

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Higher Companion.” It meant he has many good companions in this life and he loved his
wives but now it was time to go to his true companion, Allah. It was time to go back to
Allah, the one who had given him when he was an orphan and made him a guide and mercy
to mankind. He repeated this statement, raised his finger to the sky to his Lord, and
breathed his last. May Allah bless his soul, the man who purified us with his character,
the excellent example until the end of times.

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 Chapter 4- An-Nushooz: Marital Discord

Discord- lack of agreement on things.

An-Nushooz- each spouse being hostile against the other; having
hatred or treatment in an improper manner.

Nushooz from the wife

Disobeying husband’s commands, leaving house to visit others without proper permission,
forsaking obligatory religious duties. Allah describes the actions to take in case of
nushooz from the wife in the oft-quoted verse:

ُّ‫ﺐ ﲟَِﺎ ﺣَﻔِﻆَ ﺍﷲ‬ ِ ْ‫ﺕ ﻟﱢﻠْﻐَﻴ‬

ٌ ‫ﺍﻟﺮﱢﺟَﺎﻝُ ﻗَﻮﱠﺍﻣُﻮﻥَ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺍﻟﻨﱢﺴَﺎﺀ ﲟَِﺎ َﻓﻀﱠﻞَ ﺍﷲُّ ﺑَﻌْﻀَﻬُﻢْ ﻋَﻠَﻰ ﺑَﻌْﺾٍ ﻭَﲟَِﺎ ﺃَﻧﻔَﻘُﻮﺍْ ﻣِﻦْ ﺃَ ْﻣﻮَﺍﻟِﻬِﻢْ ﻓَﺎﻟﺼﱠﺎﳊَِﺎﺕُ ﻗَﺎﻧِﺘَﺎﺕٌ ﺣَﺎﻓِﻈَﺎ‬
‫ﻭَﺍﻟﻼﱠﺗِﻲ ﺗَﺨَﺎﻓُﻮﻥَ ﻧُﺸُﻮﺯَﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓَﻌِﻈُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﻭَﺍﻫْﺠُﺮُﻭﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓِﻲ ﺍ ْﳌَﻀَﺎﺟِﻊِ ﻭَﺍﺿْﺮِﺑُﻮﻫُﻦﱠ ﻓَﺈِﻥْ ﺃَﻃَﻌْﻨَﻜُﻢْ ﻓَﻼَ ﺗَﺒْﻐُﻮﺍْ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻦﱠ ﺳَﺒِﻴﻼً ﺇِﻥﱠ ﺍﷲَّ ﻛَﺎﻥَ ﻋَﻠِ ّﻴًﺎ َﻛﺒِﻴﺮًﺍ‬

"Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allâh has made one of them to excel the other,
and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly
obedient (to Allâh and to their husbands), and guard in the husband's absence what Allâh orders them to
guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband's property, etc.). As to those women on whose part you see ill-
conduct, admonish them (first), (next), refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful),
but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allâh is Ever Most
High, Most Great” (alQur’an 4:34).

Nushooz from the husband

Disrespecting her, transgressing against her by abusing his rights, failure to fulfill
obligatory duties, boycotting her, not being considerate, not maintaining her, treating her
unkindly. Allah says:

‫ﻭَﺇِﻥِ ﺍﻣْﺮَﺃَﺓٌ ﺧَﺎﻓَﺖْ ﻣِﻦ ﺑَﻌْﻠِﻬَﺎ ﻧُﺸُﻮﺯًﺍ ﺃَﻭْ ﺇِﻋْﺮَﺍﺿًﺎ ﻓَﻼَ ﺟُﻨَﺎْﺡَ ﻋَﻠَﻴْﻬِﻤَﺎ ﺃَﻥ ﻳُﺼْﻠِﺤَﺎ‬
‫ﺸﺢﱠ َﻭﺇِﻥ ﲢُْﺴِﻨُﻮ ْﺍ ﻭَﺗَ ﱠﺘﻘُﻮﺍْ ﻓَﺈِﻥﱠ‬‫ﺕ ﺍﻷَﻧﻔُﺲُ ﺍﻟ ﱡ‬ ِ َ‫ﺑَﻴْﻨَﻬُﻤَﺎ ﺻُﻠْﺤًﺎ ﻭَﺍﻟﺼﱡﻠْﺢُ ﺧَﻴْﺮٌ ﻭَﺃُﺣْﻀِﺮ‬
‫ﲟَﺎ ﺗَﻌْﻤَﻠُﻮﻥَ ﺧَﺒِﻴﺮًﺍ‬
ِ َ‫ﺍﷲَّ ﻛَﺎﻥ‬
"And if a woman fears cruelty or desertion on her husband's part, there is no sin on them
both if they make terms of peace between themselves; and making peace is better. And
human inner-selves are swayed by greed. But if you do good and keep away from evil,
verily, Allâh is Ever Well Acquainted with what you do” (alQur’an 4:128).

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What causes Marital Discord?

The main cause for An-Nushooz is the Shaytan.

Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (Peace Be Upon Him) said:

“Iblis places his throne upon water; he then sends detachments (for creating dissension);
the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension. One of
them comes and says: I did so and so. And he (Iblis) says: You have done nothing.
Then one amongst them comes and says: I did not spare so and so until I sowed the
seed of discord between a husband and a wife. The Satan goes near him and says: 'You
have done well. A'mash said: He then embraces him” (Muslim).

The different categories of marriage

1. Traditional - Husband is the main breadwinner while the wife is responsible for the
house and children. If woman works she is required to take care of the house as
well. Husband can help around the house.

2. Egalitarian - Both parties are equal. No role definition, equal participation where
man can substitute for mother (western idea). Responsibilities of financing,
parenting, and household are divided equally.

3. Transitional - In the middle of the two other marriages. Responsibility is shared.

Wife has right to provide income. Wife has right to pursue career. Husband has
part of the responsibility. People believe in it but hardly practice it.

4. Mixed marriages – Example: a traditional spouse marries an egalitarian spouse,

violating each other’s roles. There is tension when a spouse comes from overseas.
People come with the patterns they learn from marriages in their environment.

Which category is best? The best marriage comes about when you choose to follow the
Sunnah of the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) in all aspects of your marriage and life.
(Check the previous chapter). We discussed the 4 greatest women who existed and what
made them of this noble status. Allah created us to excel in certain things, and if we
stick to the fitrah which we were created with, then it should be clear which type of
marriage is the best. Allahu A'lam.

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One common problem is that each spouse greatly expects the other to encourage them in
their deen and help them reach a higher level. If this expectation is not met, both eventually
collapse and start feeling dissatisfaction.

Don’t depend on your spouse alone. Depend primarily on Allah and ask Him to help
you.

Break the silence

Do NOT push things under the carpet. Seek the assistance of the wali.

Marriage counseling in Islamic Law: Allowed, within bounds, by qualified individuals

like the Imam of the Masjid, professional Islamic counselors, etc.

How to solve the problem?

Know what your spouse considers to be “Loveable Actions” and “Hateful Actions”

According to group activities done in class, we’ve found the following:

She Loves Me? He Loves me Not?

What husbands consider as “Loveable Actions”

1. Cook good-tasting food on time
2. Make themselves beautiful for their husbands
3. Giving them a massage (yes that’s what they really said)
4. Helping them do their religious actions
5. Being thoughtful and appreciative
6. Giving their husbands a warm welcome
7. Being obedient and supportive

What wives consider as “Loveable Actions”

1. To help her with her religious duties
2. To be respectful and lend an attentive ear
3. To be affectionate and caring
4. To be thoughtful and appreciative
5. To spend quality time together
6. To complement her unexpectedly and tell her “I love you”
7. To joke around and be playful

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What husbands consider as “Hateful Actions”
1. Denying intimacy
2. Vengeful criticism
3. Nagging and complaining
4. Being unthankful or disrespectful
5. Making strenuous demands
6. To reveal family secrets outside the family
7. Improper hygiene or attire

What wives consider as “Hateful Actions”

1. Negligence and abuse
2. Not fulfilling their Islamic duties/Ignoring the Sunnah
3. Giving preference to the TV or pc over spending quality time with wife
4. Improper hygiene or attire
5. Not being appreciative to her or what she does
6. Being too demanding or controlling
7. Being stingy in money and/or time

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 Chapter 5 - The Languages of Love

Maintaining LOVE and Marital Life

We must be willing to learn our spouses’ primary Love Language if we are to be

effective communicators of Love.

Love after the Wedding…

Marriage in western societies is based on only Love; however, in Muslim societies
marriage is based on Love and Mercy. Marriage is like a bird with two wings…wings
of Love and Mercy. Just like a bird needs both wings to be strong in order to fly high,
so too do we need to maintain a balance between Mawadda wa Rahma in order for our
marriages to stay strong.

1. Does marriage kill Love?

If we think of love as only “passionate/romantic” love or the “in-love” syndrome that

we have before and at the beginning of marriage then, Yes! marriage will kill that love,
according to western philosophy.

However, Ibnul Qayyim says in Rawdatul Muhibbeen that marriage does not kill
Love. Marriage should increase Love if the intentions of the spouses were sincere,
if they are compatible and if they fulfill their responsibilities to each other.

Poets also write that romantic Love should not end with marriage. Nevertheless, as
marriages evolve, the passionate, romantic, in-love feeling will start to diminish and
will be replaced by “real” love. But what is “real” love?!

Real Love develops and transforms throughout marriage. It may start out as
“passionate/romantic” Love and may change to mercy as the couple experiences
different circumstances throughout their marriage.

Maybe the single factor that kills Love after marriage is that couples usually take
each other for granted after marriage, so it is important for us to learn, understand and

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speak the Love language of our spouses if we want Love to continue and only
increase after marriage.

2. Communicating Love to your partner

To do this, we need to understand the different languages of Love and, in particular,

the languages of our spouses.
Or, we could just say it…I Love you (but don’t include “for the sake of Allah”…it’s
your spouse...!)
RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam understood ‘Aaisha very well.

‘Aaisha narrated: “RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam said to me, “I know
when you are pleased with me or angry with me” I said “From where do you know
that?” He said, “When you are pleased with me, you say “No, by the Lord of
Muhammad” but when you are angry with me then you say “No, by the Lord of
Ibrahim” So I said, “Yes, (you are right) but by Allah, O Rasulullah, I leave
nothing but your name”” (alBukhari).

When we understand our spouses’ Love language, we are better able to tell how they
are feeling at the moment and thus how to deal with the situation.

3. Rationalizing Love in marital life

Love is not something we feel, it is not emotional; it is something we practice…it is

an action, a way of life, a style!

If we want to keep our Love alive after marriage, then we need to revive something
that we used to do before/at the beginning of marriage, or we need to bring something
new that will provide that feeling of commitment that we had before/at the beginning the
marriage. What made our spouses Love us was what we did at the beginning!

We need to open our hearts to Love our spouses the way they are and never have a
mind-set of what they should be after marriage. We need to understand our differences.

Remember the Love Tank and Bank Account theories…we need to keep filling up
before we run out and get stuck or we need to keep depositing if we want to continue
withdrawing.

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Men are From Makkah, Women are from Madinah

Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala distributed different rights and responsibilities based on our
differences, so it is important for us to understand these differences if we want to
maintain Love in our marriages. Love should be fulfilled in our marriages if we fulfill
our responsibilities to each other. So, we should not think only of our rights but we
should think about how we can best perform our responsibilities so that our spouses will
be pleased with us.

1. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus

This book is an honest study done by the author John Gray and it
highlights how different men and women are. It’s like if they are from
different planets. Men understand men and women understand women but
men and women do not understand each other. Thus, it is more important
for us to understand each other in order to maintain Love than to just have good
intentions.

“Love him little but understand him a lot.” “Love her a lot but don’t try to understand
her”

In the title of this section, Men are from Makkah, Women are from Medinah, we turn
to the characteristics of Makki and Madani Quran. Makki Quran is strong,
articulate, with short statements that are to the point. Madani Quran is more detailed,
and provides a lot more information. SubhanAllah, doesn't this make a great analogy for
men and women ?!

2. Understanding the Different Values

Men value/define themselves through their power, authority and achievements.

They like dominance, power, strength and giving commands. They are interested in anything
that will satisfy their egos, so they usually buy sports magazine and explore new
technology. Men talk to relay information and they can only focus on one thing at a time
so whenever they have a conversation, one man would talk and the others would listen.

Women, on the other hand, appreciate social and emotional values. They are interested in
relationships, passions, beauty, emotions, etc. They talk to build relationships and just for
the sake of talking, i.e. they do not necessarily talk to give information… they just need to

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be heard. They can focus on many things at the same time (they are like radars!). As a
result, whenever a group of them are having a conversation, all, or most, of them talk at the
same time.

3. Crisis approach and Coping with Stress

Women think that men want to talk when they are stressed or facing a crisis so they
start talking to their husbands but their husbands consider this to be nagging. Men
think that women need space when they are stressed or facing a crisis so husbands try
to give their wives space, but the wives consider this to be insensitive.

How then should we understand our spouses’ reaction?

Well…
When men are stressed or facing a crisis, they keep silent and hold it in or sometimes
they seclude themselves. RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam withdrew from
his wives for a whole month when he was upset with them. Men want to be able to
figure out the solution by themselves. Sometimes they also try to find another person
with a bigger problem so they could feel better about themselves- so they turn on the
TV. So their wives should just leave them alone for some time and when they are
ready to talk, they will.

In contrast, women want to talk when they are stressed or facing a crisis. If their
husbands don’t want to talk with them, then they will find someone else who will listen
to them and sympathize. Sometimes a woman just wants to talk for the sake of talking,
and since men try to get information from conversations, her husband will not
understand what she is trying to tell him, but she isn’t trying to tell him anything, she
may just want him to listen to her and sympathize with her. So, husbands should try
to listen to their wives and give them advice that will help them emotionally.

‘Aaisha understood RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam very well. She said
that when he was stressed or something was bothering him, he would rush to salaah or
stroke his beard.

4. The Power of Motivation

Men feel motivated when they feel that they are needed. They want to feel needed and that
is why Allah gave al-qiwaama to them. To not be needed is a slow death for a man so if
a woman shows that she is independent from her husband then he will lose interest in her.

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This is why studies show that a career woman is far less successful in marriages than a
homemaker. Men give depending on how much they are needed; they work harder when
they see that their wives/families need them. Therefore, motivate your husbands by
fulfilling their sense of authority; by making them feel that you are dependent on them.
Women feel motivated when they feel cherished. They want to feel cherished. They want
to feel that you remembered them and they want to know that you will stay with them
forever. So give them that reassurance and motivate them by telling them nice things and
listening to them etc… to fulfill their emotions.

5. Expressing feelings through different languages

Men express their feelings through actions. If they want to express their love, they
may not say it; instead, they will work harder. So, if your husbands are working
longer, it may not be that they want to get away from the home; it just might be that
they Love you more and want to be able to give you what you want!
Women express their feelings through words and emotions. They like to have “loving”
conversations. They want to hear their husbands say I Love you. So, once in a
while, please tell your wife that you Love her!

6. Our emotional differences

The emotional parable of a man is that of a rubber band. If men feel

stressed or are facing a crisis, they stretch out. Men leave their center to
find themselves and when they have reached their limits they snap back with
full energy, faster than how they went out. If their wives try to go after them then they
move even farther away until they break. At this point there is no coming back. Women
need to allow their husbands to stretch out and come back with a bang!

The emotional cycle of a woman is that of a wave. The moods of women

crest and fall like a wave; for example, they may be unhappy thinking about
the children and the amount of work they have to do but when they receive
words of compliments from their husbands then they immediately become happy.
Sometimes this wave can be like a tsunami! Husbands should be around to give their
wives the reassurance and confidence they need when they are feeling depressed i.e. when
the wave falls!

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Languages of Love

Men consider Love to be intimacy so they usually think about Love during the night.
Women consider Love to be emotional so they usually think about Love during the day.
Women want to be cherished and they believe that intercourse is a reward that should be
given to men, so men should not be offended if they get nothing during the night because
they didn’t do anything during the day!
To understand our spouses and their reasons for behaving the way they do, we need to
understand their Language of Love.

1. Words of Affirmation

Every one of us needs and likes compliments.

RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam said, Whoever does not thank people
does not thank Allah. He (SAWS), also said, Whoever says Jazakum Allahu
Khairan to his brother has rewarded him abundantly and A good word is charity.

So we should say please, thank you, jazakum Allahu khairan, excuse me, etc; to our
spouses. The voice/tone makes a difference in how we say things so we should say
these things with a tone that suggests that we mean what we say. Also, whenever our
spouses do something that we are pleased with (e.g. taking out the garbage (for men)
and cleaning the house (for women)) we should show that we are pleased with them by
saying or doing something e.g. giving them a surprise kiss!

Love cannot be demanded but it can be requested and we can request it by doing the
things that will please our spouses and also by saying kind words and words of
appreciation to them.

2. Quality time

RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam used to spend time with his wives, even
when he was traveling. He (SAWS) would talk to them and listen to them, and as
we learned, he used to race with ‘Aisha!

Women need to spend some time alone with their husbands. They need to have their
husbands’ undivided attention. They need their husbands to listen to them and only them

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so that they can feel Loved! At a minimum, this need only be for 5 minutes of the
day. So spend some quality time with your wives.

The best quality time the late hours of the day. Most women like to talk because
everything is quiet and peaceful, but husband usually hates to talk at that time.
Rasool-Allah SAWS, when he would finish his Qiyam, if Aisha RA was
asleep he would lay down next to her. If she was awake, he would talk with her.

Women also need some time to vent their emotions and shopping is one such way. So
husbands should understand the philosophy of shopping. It is not to buy stuff and
spend money; instead, it is to spend time together. Try to enjoy this time together with
your wives.

3. Receiving gifts

RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam said that we should give gifts to one
another since this increases our love for each other.

RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam said:

“Shake hands for this will dispel rancour and
exchange gifts and love one another for this will
dispel hatred” (Malik).

Gifts are a physical symbol of our love. Give thoughtful gifts. Men usually like to
think of the practicality of the gift; however, women just want to know that their
husbands remembered them; thought about them. It’s not the value of the gift that
matters to women but the knowledge that their husbands were thinking of them.
Flowers and chocolates are just fine but occasionally buy something else too or make
the gift yourself!

Gifts are very important in maintaining Love after marriage just as they were
important during the betrothal period.

4. Acts of Service

Al-Aswas bin Yazid narrated: I asked ‘Aaisha, “What did RasulAllah sal
Allahu alayhi wa Sallam used to do in his home?” she said, “He used to work for his
family and when he heard the adhan he would go out” (AlBukhari).

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‘Aaisha also said that RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam used to mend his
own clothes and shoes.

Generally, women need help with some household responsibilities, so husbands should
try to emulate RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam as much as possible and
also help around the house and with the kids. However, they should do this on their
own accord and not wait for their wives to tell them what to do. Their wives will
appreciate it more when they help without being told because women Love acts of
service and small surprises that show that their husbands are thinking of them. Also,
when husbands try to help, they should do the job properly so their wives don’t have to
do it again. But women should remember that men can only concentrate on one task at
a time so don’t expect your husbands to do a variety of things at the same time and also
don’t expect them to have the same interest as you.

Men also appreciate acts of service so women should be willing to help their
husbands without them asking. Remember that the best ‘ibaadah that a woman can do
is to be obedient to her husband and to be ready for him and take care of him. This is
as rewarding as her salaah and sawm etc.

5. Physical Contact

Men love physical contact. Rasool-Allah SAWS was not an exception. He used
to kiss Aisha RA's face wherever he wished.

RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam showed respect, love, and mercy to his
wives. This was often manifested through physical contact.

Hisham’s father narrated that ‘Aaisha said, “RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa
Sallam used to kiss some of his wives while he was fasting.” And then she smiled.
(AlBukhari).

‘Aaisha said, “RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam used to kiss and embrace
(his wives) while he was fasting and he had more power to control his desires than any
of you.” (AlBukhari).

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 Sometimes when RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam was talking to his
wives, he would extend his hands towards them to touch them. He would also kiss his
grandchildren.

‘Aaisha reported that there came a few desert Arabs to RasulAllah sal Allahu
alayhi wa Sallam and said, “Do you kiss your children?” He (SAWS), said, Yes.
Thereupon they said, “By Allah we do not kiss our children.” So RasulAllah sal
Allahu alayhi wa Sallam said “Then what can I do if Allah has deprived you of
mercy?” (Muslim).

Men usually want to have intimate physical contact while women prefer kissing,
touching, hugging and caressing (i.e. thoughtful physical contact). As the above ahadith
suggest, it was RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam who used to initiate
thoughtful physical contact with his wives, so husbands should try to emulate this.

Public display of Affection

There is nothing in the Qur’an and Sunnah that forbids men and women from displaying
their affection for each other in public so the ‘ulemaa have regulated this.

‘Aaisha narrated: “…It was the day of ‘Eid and the black people were playing with
shields and spears so either I requested RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam or
he asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative. Then
RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam made me stand behind him and my cheek was
touching his cheek and he was saying, “Carry on! O bani Arfida” till I got tired. Then
RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam asked me, “Are you satisfied (is that
sufficient for you)?” I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave” (AlBukhari).

Therefore the ‘ulema have allowed whatever is culturally accepted by the Muslims e.g.
touching, being cheek to cheek and holding hands. However, they forbid any explicit behavior
e.g. hugging and kissing, and anything that goes against modesty. We are also allowed to
show our affection for our spouses in front of our children until they reach that age where
they are able to recognize and understand what is going on.

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Final advice
We all need to investigate the language of our spouses because it is only through
education that our qualities will develop.

How to win the heart of your spouse

 Remember the life of RasulAllah sal Allahu alayhi wa Sallam with his wives.
 Fulfill your obligations and do not only think of your rights (and what you should
be getting; you also need to give).
 Refer all your problems to the Qur’an and Sunnah.
 Exchange gifts regardless of the price.
 Spend quality time together.
 Use the language of the body especially the eye to compliment your spouses etc.
 Be smart.
 Be playful.
 But most importantly, compromise, compromise, compromise!
 However, remember that there is no compromise with regards to our obedience to
Allah and His Rasul!
 The Bed is the most important place and time for intimacy…just to talk and learn
about each other etc. Men usually ruin this by falling asleep when their wives are
talking to them or by bringing business into the conversation. a t.v. in the bedroom
also ruins this time.
 Don’t waste those beautiful moments!

“Umar ibn al-Khattab is accreddited with eighteen wise maxims for the people and among
them are the following:

“Put your brother’s affairs in the best light that he may not act towards you in a
manner obliging you to take a contrary opinion. Think not evil of any word that
has proceeded out of the mouth of a Muslim, if you are able to find a good
construction for it.”

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Such-may Allah exalt you- is the manner of conduct
enjoined by Allah, the Messenger of Allah and the
Ameer of the Faithful. [Ibn Hazm]

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