A Guide to Healthy Relationships By Robyn Coombs, Psy.D.

Is physically, sexually and/or mentally aggressive

Ignores or disregards the other when speaking
Is overly possessive and/or jealous about ordi-
nary behavior
A relationship can be similar to a roller coaster, Aside from the consideration of gender differences, it Criticizes the others friends and/or family
where the couple experiences many ups and downs, is necessary to determine whether a relationship is in
Discourages friendships/relationships with
as well as twists and turns. They may start off and fact a healthy one. Many share the idea that relation-
friends and/or family
move at a slow and steady pace or a rapid and uc- ships are expected to be perfect, similar to what may
tuating pace. However, throughout all the excitement, be found in movies, television programs and song Thus, in healthy relationships, individuals seek enjoy-
a variety of thoughts, feelings and behaviors arise lyrics. However, this notion is not based in reality and ment, enrichment and a sense of personal growth,
within each individual as well as within the relation- would be next to impossible to nd and maintain, be- which paves a pathway for happiness and minimal
ship. Some may be shared by both partners, while cause most relationships will have times of disagree- stress. In unhealthy relationships, individuals may be
others are uniquely experienced. ment, frustration and disappointment. left feeling uncomfortable, hurt and angry, which paves
a pathway for unhappiness and undesirable distress.
Contrary to popular belief, men and women are not There are several qualities that help determine
from different planets. However, gender differences whether a relationship is healthy or unhealthy. In It takes care, commitment and compromise to have
do exist in the manner that men and women relate healthy relationships, partners: a healthy and satisfying relationship. Also, both
to, and communicate with one another and the world partners should be aware and accepting of indi-
Treat each other with trust and respect
they live in. Some differences between men and vidual differences as well as one anothers thoughts,
Feel secure and comfortable
women include: feelings and needs. Further, in times of conict, it is
Resolve conicts safely and adequately important to have a willingness to work together, so
How they connect with one another
Do not control one another or resort to violence problems can be resolved adequately. Nevertheless,
Men connect through mutual activities, while
Share in decision-making and compromise over time, relationships change. This may be due
women connect through talking to one another.
to the progression or regression of a relationship or
How they express their comfort in a relationship Take interest in, are supportive of and encourage
because of changes in outside areas that affect the
Men enjoy the freedom to remain silent when each other
relationship. Regardless of the reason, with change
comfortable in a relationship, while women Allow time for ones own interests and comes stress, which can have a major impact on the
enjoy the freedom to be able to speak without friends/family relationship. Therefore, when a relationship seems to
judgment when comfortable in a relationship. Are sexual with one another by choice be rocky, one should consider the following:
What their needs are when upset and/or Communicate clearly, openly and honestly How does each partner make the other feel?
bothered Enjoy the time spent with each other Has the relationship been different in the past?
Men need space, while women need support
On the other hand, in unhealthy relationships, one or Have there been past problems that were left
and understanding.
both partners: unresolved and are now resurfacing?
How they prefer to approach problems and/or
Attempts to control and/or manipulate the other Is there a current stressor that may be impact-
conict
Ridicules, name calls and/or makes the other ing the relationship, such as a recent move,
Men think silently and prefer to internally gure
feel bad for himself/herself job change, nancial burden or personal/
things out, while women think out loud and
family crisis?
prefer to share their thought processes. Does not make time for the other and/or the
relationship What specically seems to be bothersome?
These differences are normal and to be expected.
Is afraid of the others temper What actions would help promote change and
However, it is important to be aware of, understand
offer greater comfort in the relationship?
and appreciate gender differences when developing Threatens to harm the other and/or objects of
personal value Can each partner discuss his/her feelings, fears
and maintaining a relationship.
and concerns in a calm and rational manner?
A key factor in determining if a relationship will last
through tough times is knowing oneself and ones
For additional relationship articles,
own personal and relationship needs. This involves visit the CAPS Web site at
exibility, compromise and the willingness to change, www.t.edu/caps
to allow for adequate give-and-take in the relation-
ship. Inexibility is unhealthy and will lead to one or
A GUIDE TO
HEALTHY
both partners feeling unsatised. 15 Quick Tips for Making
Thus, clear, careful and respectful communication a Relationship Work
about ones own wants and needs is important, as 1Be yourself and take care of yourself.
well as adequate compromise and problem resolu-

RELATIONSHIPS
tion, so both partners can satisfy their own needs 2Communicate in an open and honest manner.
and the needs of the partner. Remember, healthy 3Be actively concerned about your partners
relationships allow for individuality and personal growth and happiness.
growth, and are mutually benecial.
4Give equal importance to each others thoughts,
Please note that if a partner is being physically, feelings, needs and interests.
sexually and/or emotionally abusive, or is engaging
5Do not attempt to control and/or manipulate your
in and/or encouraging unsafe or harmful behaviors,
partner.
then this is a red ag for the relationship. One
and/or both partners may need to seek professional 6Treat one another as equals in the relationship.
help. Everyone deserves to be treated fairly and
7Keep your life balanced.
respectfully, and to feel safe and comfortable within
a relationship. Remember, everyone has the option 8Be honest, dependable and trustworthy.
to leave a relationship.
9Express support, appreciation and emotional
Some relationships just do not work for whatever warmth for your partner regularly.
reason, and it may be difcult to overcome the sense
10 Keep wants, needs and expectations realistic.
of loss. It is natural to grieve and go through a heal-
ing process, because most relationships carry feel- 11Accept each others individual differences.
ings of love, care and trust. The following are some
12Fight fair and resolve conict through
ways to help cope with the loss:
negotiation and compromise.
Take time to experience and express emotions
like sadness, anger or hurt, because denying 13Learn to agree to disagree and not hold
these feelings will only prolong them. grudges.

Do not use guilt, self-blame and/or bargaining 14Be exible with change.
to end the relationship, as one cannot control
15Enjoy each other and spend quality time
another persons thoughts, feelings or behaviors. together.
Recognize and accept the reasons why the
relationship ended.
Allow for time without high pressure or demands,
and mobilize an effective support system.
Counseling and Psychological Services
Take care of oneself during the process through 150 W. University Blvd. Melbourne, FL 32901-6975
self-renewal and various self-help practices. (321) 674-8050 Counseling and Psychological Services
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