Man Up PDF

MAN UP
by
Tess Morris
Big Talk Pictures

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London W1W 7AQ
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MAN UP - Tess Morris 1.
EXT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL - NIGHT
The vague sound of Hawaiian music coming from inside. A man

and woman, dressed in party clothes but also wearing Hawaiian
leis, stumble out of the entrance, and drunkenly begin to
snog. We follow the music inside where we find -
INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL - NIGHT
C/U on DOM and KATIE, mid-30s, landing a big kiss on each

others lips. Pull out to reveal a huge banner: HAPPY
ENGAGEMENT, DOM AND KATIE! and a large party of cheering
friends and family. A Hawaiian band strike up their unique
version of David Bowies Modern Love. The party revellers,
all wearing leis, Hawaiian shirts etc are getting into the
spirit of it all.
We move through the party, past loved up couples, hopeful

singles... and then it starts to get a bit messier, with new
hook ups chatting each other up after one too many mojitos.
We find a particularly amorous couple sneaking out of the
party and follow them into the lift. As the doors close on
them, they start to kiss. Lift going up.
INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL/LIFTS - NIGHT
Ping! Doors opening. The lift doors open to reveal the

couple now really going for it, rolling out of the lift,
heading towards their hotel room, passing by a door that has
the Do Not Disturb sign up... which we stop at, letting the
couple continue on their journey. For we have reached our
destination. The couple stumble into the room next door, but
we go inside this room, to find -
INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL/ROOM - NIGHT
... as the camera travels through the hotel bedroom door,

where we see the feet of -
NANCY PATTERSON, 34, the heroine of our movie, taking a mini

bottle of red wine from the mini bar. The camera tracks with
her feet, as she walks around to the dressing table. She
plonks herself down in front of the mirror. She is wearing
her party dress, hair done, make up on. As we cut to the
perspective of the mirror -
NANCY
(determined/sports like)
Come on!
Nancy nervously fidgets with her small purse, putting in a

lipstick, taking out the lipstick again, stuffing some
tissues in, leaning into the mirror to smile - she has
lipstick on her teeth - she takes the tissues back out, wipes
her teeth down.
She stops, relaxes, clears her throats, smiles a brilliant

fake smile. She puts her hand out, like shes shaking
someones hand -
NANCY (CONTD)
(trying some things out)
Hi! Hello. Howdy. Hey there. Hola.
How you doing?
(searching for some more
Hs)
H-h-h-eeeee-oooooo-aaaaaaa...
The aaaaaaa turns into her singing a harmony of hs. Nancy

kind of likes it. But she stops singing, bangs her chest,
pumping herself up again. Ouch, that hurt. She fakes smiles
again.
NANCY (CONTD)
Ryan, right? I mean, not Ryan
Right. Or maybe you are Ryan Right.
Either way, youre the right Ryan
for me.
(horrified with herself)
Oh my god.
(she resets)
Hello Ryan, I am Nancy.
(beat)
And I am a robot.
She slaps herself around the face. She does some breathing
exercises - inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. She pops a mint
in her mouth, leans seductively forward.
NANCY (CONTD)
Oooohh, that is so interesting,
really? Wow. I did not know that,
Ryan. Oh god, stop it, no way, that
is too fascinating -
She nearly chokes on her mint -
NANCY (CONTD)
Excuse me one moment.
She spits it out in her hand. Chucks it in the bin. She

sprays some perfume, resets again.
NANCY (CONTD)
Okay. You can do this. Just got to
put yourself out there, see what
happens, not get too drunk.
She zips up her purse.
NANCY (CONTD)
And youre going, youre going...
She picks up a lei and puts it around her neck.

NANCY (CONTD)
(as she goes)
And youre gone!
Nancy disappears from view. We hold for a beat on the empty

mirror...
... then Nancy suddenly sits back down, taking her lei off
and chucking it in the bin.
NANCY (CONTD)
(to camera)
Fuck it.
We hold on the same empty frame, looking out of the bathroom

as -
TITLE ON SCREEN: MAN UP
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT
Nancy, now slumped on the double bed, wearing tracksuit

bottoms, a hoody and a pair of cat slippers. Her dress is
hung up in the corner of the room and she is munching from a
large bag of crisps and drinking from a small bottle of wine.
On the hotel television screen, Silence of The Lambs plays.

Nancy is transfixed.
CLARICE STARLING
Theres a very nice beach, terns
nest there, theres beautiful -
Nancy takes another sip of her wine, and starts to quote

along with the film -
NANCY
Terns? Mmmmm. If I help you
Clarice, it will be turns with us
too. Quid pro quo, I tell you
things, you tell me things. Not
about this case though. About
yourself. Quid pro quo, yes or no.
There is suddenly a loud knock at the door. Nancy jumps.

Pauses the film. Goes to the door.
AT THE DOOR:
She opens it to reveal ROOM SERVICE BOY, with his trolley.
ROOM SERVICE BOY

Hi -
NANCY
(cutting him off, ushering
him in)
Right, yes, good -
Room Service Boy rolls in, forcing Nancy into the room as
well.
NANCY (CONTD)
Yes, lovely. Great.
She has nowhere else to go but the bed, so sits down in front
of the trolley, at the end of the bed.
Room Service Boy reveals Nancys food - a huge, double decker

burger and chips, with all the trimmings - side salad, onion
rings, melted cheese, bacon, gherkins etc...
Room Service Boy smiles, politely. Nancy stuffs a chip in her

mouth, then clocks Room Service Boys name tag.
NANCY (CONTD)
Tell me, Andrew... Andy, can I call
you Andy? Hows the party going?
ROOM SERVICE BOY

Oh, pretty well I think.
(beat)
You know theres food down there?
NANCY
Yeah, I do, I do. Im just not in
the party mood tonight.
Nancy lifts up her burger bun, takes a massive bite. Her

phone starts to go. As she answers it, with a mouthful of
burger -
NANCY (CONTD)
Have you got any ketchup, Andy?
(down the phone)
Hello.
EXT. LONDON STREET - NIGHT
ELAINE, Nancys older sister, confused by Nancys pick up.
ELAINE
Whos Andy?
NANCY
A very nice young man who has just
bought me dinner.
Andy hands Nancy a pen for a signature.

ELAINE
Youre not at the party.
NANCY
(signing for Andy)
I am not at the party, but I am at
a party. Hannibal and Clarice are
here, not to mention Andy of course
-
Andys job is done, and he starts to go.
NANCY (CONTD)
But hes just leaving now.
ELAINE
Put him on, please.
NANCY
(shrug, calls after Andy)
Hey, my sister wants to speak to
you.
ROOM SERVICE BOY

(very confused, taking the
phone)
Hello?
Back with Elaine:
ELAINE
(to Room Service Boy)
Hi, Im Elaine. Now, therell be a
dress, hanging up somewhere, can
you give it to her please?
Back with Room Service Boy:
ROOM SERVICE BOY

(seeing the dress)
Ah, yes, of course.
Nancy watches Room Service Boy go over to her dress -
NANCY
No, no, no... Andy.
ELAINE
Tell her to put some make up on as
well.
Back with Nancy:

ROOM SERVICE BOY

(handing her the dress)
She wants you to put some make-up
on?
Outraged, Nancy gets up and takes the phone from Room Service
Boy.
NANCY
Okay, enough.
(to Andy)
Andy, do you have a napkin or
something?
(to Elaine)
Ive been ambushed, Elaine. Some
set up, with a bloke Katie works
with.
ELAINE
Excellent. This is good.
Nancy leans on Room Service Boy for her lament -
NANCY
Come on. Its just all so
organised, and awkward, you know I
cant bear it Elaine -
ELAINE
Yeah I know, Nance but...
(beat)
How the hell else are you going to
meet someone?
NANCY
Well, I met Andy?
Room Service Boy, scared for his life, legs it.
NANCY (CONTD)
Oh no, hes off. Put on the Do Not
Disturb sign please!
ELAINE
(shouting out)
Dont do it, Andy! Take her with
you!
Nancy flops down on the bed.
ELAINE (CONTD)
Youve gone all the way down there,
just put your dress on, go and
show your face, stay, like ten
minutes -
Nancy interrupts:
NANCY
The party is themed, Elaine.
ELAINE
Oh god really? Okay, get your
notepad.
Nancy rolls her eyes, rolls over and picks up her notepad.
NANCY
Im too old for this shit.
Back with Elaine and Adam:
ELAINE
Youre 34 not 84!
Nancy flips open to a page that used to say MANTRAS, but

Nancy has crossed the M out so it now says NANTRAS. She
sits up straight, determined.
NANCY
(deep breath)
Put yourself out there.
ELAINE
Good -
NANCY
Take chances...
ELAINE
Okay, now a little less hollow and
robotic...
HARD CUT TO:
INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL/LOBBY - NIGHT
- the lift is coming down from the floors above - PING! -

doors opening - and there is Nancy, big game face on, out
of her hoody and in her pretty dress -
NANCY
(looking at the open lift
doors)
Get stronger thighs.
(she does a little squat -
ouch)
A HOTEL GUEST enters the lift just as shes squatting.
NANCY (CONTD)
(pulling herself up by
leaning on the Hotel
Guest)
(MORE)
NANCY (CONTD)
Be more deviant. Learn French. Cook
more!
The Hotel Guest looks at Nancy, who is now peering out of the
lift doors, into the lobby -
NANCY (CONTD)
(to the hotel guest)
Understand the Israeli Palestinian
conflict better.
Doors closing - Nancy is either in or out... she looks at

the Hotel Guest - shes out! The doors close. She steadies
herself from her lift encounter and strides confidently over
to the party doors -
NANCY (CONTD)
(to herself, final mantra)
Engage with -
She kicks the doors open, game face back on, to find:
The hotel bar. The party is in full swing, there are couples,
everywhere.
NANCY (CONTD)
(to herself, heart sinking)
- life.
DOM, 34, our groom to be, sweeps in, and starts to hula
around her -
DOM
Finally! We nearly sent out a
search party!
NANCY
Call them off!
Dom drapes Nancy in a lei, grabbing a Mojito from a passing

waiter.
DOM
Here, have a mojito, the first one
is free! I paid for them all with
my savings! And now, I have no
savings!
Nancy reaches into her handbag and pulls out a small wine
bottle from the hotel mini bar.
NANCY
Happy Engagement. Here is literally
a small present.
DOM
I am so touched that you thought of
me when you raided the mini bar.
Nancy pulls out a pack of peanuts from her back pocket, hands
them to Dom.
DOM (CONTD)
(mock emotional)
Oh my god, this is too much -
As KATIE, Doms 34-year-old, slightly manic wife to be,

swoops in -
KATIE
Whats too much? Tell me, tell me!
Nancy, you look amazing.
(to Dom, eek!)
Hes going to love her! Come on -
Katie tries to pull Nancy away -
NANCY
Whoa, whoa, I just need a moment
longer with this Mojito, please -
KATIE
He hates Facebook, loves yoga
and hes really creative. Hes -
KATIE NANCY
- perfect for you. - perfect for me, I know, I
know.
DOM
(encouraging)
Oh come on -
(wrapping his arm around
Katie)
- we were a set up, and look at us
now!
NANCY
Dom, its like your single years
have been totally wiped from your
pea brain memory -
(beat)
Hey, remember that girl who cried
the whole way through giving you a
blow job?
A very awkward beat as Nancy realises that it was Katie who

cried the whole way through the blow job -
NANCY (CONTD)
And look at you now!
Katie glares at Dom who gives her an apologetic smile. He

soldiers on.
DOM
Come on Nancy, give him a chance?
A party guest knocks into Nancy, spilling her drink onto her
hands. As Nancy dries her hands off -
NANCY
Alright! Bring it on! Another sad,
single loser in their mid thirties -
RYAN (O.S.)
- Im actually a sad single loser
in my late thirties.
Nancy swivels around to see RYAN, 37 - a generic, handsome

guy, smiling away at her. Katie laughs a bit too loudly at
Ryans joke - looks at Nancy - come on, laugh! She pulls a
repentant Dom away, we hear them squabble as they leave.
KATIE
I was crying with happiness!
Nancy and Ryan shake hands -
RYAN
Ryan. 37.
NANCY
Nancy. 34.
Nancy realises her hand is a bit wet -
NANCY
Sorry, my hand is a bit wet. Its
not wee.
RYAN
Right.
NANCY
Its Mojito?
RYAN
Oh, I didnt think it was wee -
NANCY
I mean, why would it be wee? That
would imply very poor personal
hygiene. I dont use my hand. I use
toilet paper, just like everybody
else -
RYAN
Thats... a relief?
NANCY
And so is a wee!
An awkward, zero chemistry pause.

RYAN
(attempted brightness)
How about another drink?
NANCY
(even brighter/faker)
Why not?
As Nancy takes a long slurp of her drink, Ryan turns to the

bar and starts to get his wallet out -
NANCY
Ill get these -
RYAN
No really, its fine -
NANCY
Let me -
RYAN
No, no, seriously -
NANCY RYAN
Oh okay, thank you - Oh alright, you get them -
RYAN
(so awkward)
Ill just get them, shall I?
Nancy notices a photograph of a girl in Ryans wallet.
NANCY
Ah, busted. Still carrying a photo
of your ex around in the old
wallet.
RYAN
Thats my sister.
NANCY
Oh, well, shes very pretty. Bet
she gets all zee boyz -
RYAN
Shes dead.
Ryan, bemused by Nancy, snaps his wallet shut.
NANCY
Wow! This is going really well.
Nancy drains her Mojito dry.

EXT. TRAIN STATION/TRAIN PLATFORM - MORNING
Nancy on the busy platform. Feeling rougher. In one hand she

is carrying a bag from the station cafe, filled with her
unique hangover cure. In the background, a poster for a self
help book - 6 Billion People and You - but blink and youd
miss it. Nancys train arrives.
INT. TRAIN - DAY
Nancy makes her way down the aisle, now on the phone.
NANCY
No Elaine, I have pictures of my
cats in my wallet, and theyre
alive and kicking, and I want
people to ask me about them.
EXT. LONDON STREET - DAY
Elaine and Adam, coming out of their flat, carrying canvas

bags full of crisps, Pringles, nibbles galore.
ELAINE
(on the phone to Nancy)
But its good that you went -
Back with Nancy: who has just plonked herself down opposite a
GIRL ON TRAIN.
NANCY
Why, why is it good? Its just so
excruciating and predictable, like
it always is. You know what, Im
just going to let my vagina
hermetically seal up.
ELAINE
Yeah, well that will really help.
NANCY
Never hurt Barbie. Shes got a
beach buggy, and horses, and a
salon -
Back with Elaine:
Directing Adam where to put everything in the boot of the car

-
ELAINE
(smiling/encouraged)
And a boyfriend, actually -
Back with Nancy:

NANCY
Is she still with that guy? Such a
fake smile.
Back with Elaine:
ELAINE
(laughing)
So how long you going to be?
She moves a bag Adam has put in the wrong place.
ADAM
(leaning into the phone)
Oi! Get your arse over here pronto,
we have a lot of nibbles, to put in
a lot of bowls.
Back with Nancy:
NANCY
(smiling)
About two hours?
As the train announcers voice booms out into the train -
TRAIN ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

- just a reminder to all passengers
that due to weekend engineering
work, no trains are currently
stopping at Clapham Junction...
NANCY
About 7 hours.
Back with Elaine:
Slamming the boot shut -
ELAINE
What the fuck -
NANCY
Im joking -
ELAINE
Well, not funny. I cannot do this
all on my own -
As Adam dips down to get into the drivers seat.
ADAM
Hey, youre not on your own!
ELAINE
(ignoring Adam)
- and whatever you do, dont forget
the chocolate mousse, Mums
obsessed. And have you done your
speech yet -
Back with Nancy:
NANCY
Yeah, I mean Ive got a rough
draft...
Back with Elaine:
Opening the passenger seat door -
ELAINE
- or have you just done a lot of
doodles and crossing out?
Back with Nancy:
NANCY
As if!
Back with Elaine:
She waits to get into the car -
ELAINE
Come on, favourite daughter, you
know Dad loves it when you do a
speech. So it needs to be good, and
special, okay?
Back with Nancy:
NANCY
Mmmmm, fine.
ELAINE
And Nancy?
NANCY
Yeah?
Back with Elaine:
Elaine sits down in the passenger seat, door still open.
ELAINE
Dont seal up just yet.
(beat)
It will happen for you. Soon. I
promise.
Back with Nancy:

NANCY
Yeah yeah, fuck off.
Nancy hangs up. She glances back at the Girl on Train, who is
now reading a copy of that self help book - 6 Billion People
and You - A Guide To Meeting Your Mate In The Modern World.
Nancy looks at it, cant help rolling her eyes to herself.
Girl on Train catches her doing it. Nancy looks down at her
notepad, flicks back to her mantras. She considers them,
dismisses them, remembers something, gets out a pen, writes
Black Pant Wash snaps her notepad shut, looking up to find
Girl On Train leaning towards her, sympathetically -
GIRL ON TRAIN
Sorry, but I couldnt help over-
hearing -
(re the book shes holding)
You should really think about
reading this.
Nancy considers the back of the book now - it reads This

book will change your life!.
NANCY
(got this girls number)
Oh, right, right... did it, then?
GIRL ON TRAIN
Did it what?
NANCY
(gestures to tagline)
Change your life?
GIRL ON TRAIN
Oh...
(smugly)
...maybe, yes.
NANCY
Or maybe not as well?
GIRL ON TRAIN
Well, I like to give everything a
go otherwise, whats the point? I
mean, youve got to hope its going
to work, havent you? Because what
is life without hope? Death!
NANCY
Death it is, then!
GIRL ON TRAIN
You see! You do need to read it. I
would lend it to you but... I need
it for my date.
NANCY
Why do you need a book for a date?
GIRL ON TRAIN
So we can recognise each other.
NANCY
(condescending)
Oh, is it a set up? Well, they
always work.
GIRL ON TRAIN
They often work. If the match-maker
has done their homework -
NANCY
Yes, yes, because all successful
relationships are built on the fact
that youre both the outdoorsy
type -
GIRL ON TRAIN
(irked, quite loud now)
I really think you should read
this.
NANCY
(louder back)
Dont need to.
GIRL ON TRAIN
It was an international best-seller
-
NANCY
So was the Da Vinci Code -
GIRL ON TRAIN
Also an excellent book!
NANCY
Not an excellent book.
GIRL ON TRAIN
I think its exactly what you need -
The argument (and volume) escalates -
NANCY
Why is everyone always telling me
what I need!
GIRL ON TRAIN
Perhaps if everyone is telling you,
you should listen -
NANCY
And I think you need to shush, you
need to shush your mouth -
GIRL ON TRAIN
You want me to -
NANCY
I do, yeah, it would be great -
Girl on Train tries to speak again -
GIRL ON TRAIN
Im only suggesting -
NANCY
Its time. I think were done.
Nancy puts her finger to her lips - quiet time now please -
and Girl On Train, clearly not quite finished with Nancy,
goes back to her book. Nancy takes a bite of her sandwich,
munching a bit aggressively, annoyed with how that all ended.
INT. TRAIN - DAY
The train is now pulling into Waterloo Station. Nancy has

fallen asleep, her face all squashed up on the seat. She
wakes up to find everyone is getting off the train -
TRAIN ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we are now
arriving at our final destination,
London Waterloo...
Nancy yawns luxuriously awake. But then glances down at her

table to see - the Girl on Trains copy of 6 Billion People
and You. There is a napkin with a smiley face drawn on
sticking out the top of it - Nancy, infuriated, flicks to the
page its book-marking. The chapter reads YOUR NEGATIVE
THOUGHTS ARE RUINING YOUR LIFE (AND EVERYONE ELSES...)
As Nancy looks up to see the Girl On Train, waving gaily at

her, walking off down the carriage. No way. Nancy is
definitely not having that! She furiously picks up all her
stuff, including the book, and charges after Girl On Train,
who has now picked up her pace. Nancy manages to get off the
train -
INT. WATERLOO TRAIN STATION - DAY
- and first were at the ticket barriers. Nancy tries to get

through, to catch up with Girl On Train, but her ticket beeps
in denial.
Furious and frustrated, she hands it over to the ticket

inspector, as he beeps her through and we go with Nancy as
she now legs into the busy concourse of Waterloo Station,
searching for the Girl on Train like shes the white rabbit,
but to no avail. In a flash, we see Girl On Train striding
confidently into WHSmith, where a huge display of 6 Billion
People and You sits in the window... and a long queue of
people all waiting to pay.
Back with Nancy, still determined not to lose this battle,

scanning the crowds for her quarry. In frustration, she flips
the book over - reading the tagline on the back - what are
you waiting for?. Taking it personally she looks up,
suddenly furious -
NANCY
(shouty)
Damn it, where the fuck are you?!
JACK (O.S.)
Blimey, Im not that late!
Nancy spins around to see - JACK, the hero of our story, 40

and charming as hell.
JACK (CONTD)
Somebody threw themselves on the
tracks again. I dont blame them,
so many delays!
Nancy is totally confused - why is this man talking to her?

This rather nice man, who is now holding up his own copy of 6
Billion People and You.
JACK (CONTD)
And by the way, great idea for how
wed know each other. Although you
would have been pretty hard to miss
under this clock.
Nancy looks around - what the fuck is going on? She looks
back at the book, the penny drops -
NANCY
Oh no, Im not, this isnt -
JACK
- should we shake hands or kiss?
Oh come on, were all adults here!
Jack leans in and kisses her on the cheek. Its a quick kiss,
but Nancy feels herself swooning. This man is really nice.
Her phone starts to ring. ELAINE CALLING.
JACK (CONTD)
Oh my god, is that your emergency
exit phone call already?!
(MORE)
JACK (CONTD)
Ive barely had a chance to use my
good lines yet!
(a beat)
That wasnt one of them.
He grins at Nancy, who starts to smile back before Jack

suddenly swipes the phone from her.
JACK (CONTD)
(answering the call)
Hello there caller! So, Im not a
psychopath, weve really hit it
off, and shell call you later with
all the gory details! Bye for now!
And with that, Jack hangs up the call, handing Nancy her
phone back -
JACK (CONTD)
Right. Book. Check. Clock. Check.
Blind date... check?
Nancy gulps. She looks at the book, then the clock, and then
Jack -
JACK (CONTD)
So, after Ive spoken, usually you
speak, we exchange ideas for the
evening ahead, swap notions of what
to get up to -
(Hannibal Lecter
impression)
Quid pro quo, Clarice.
Nancy is visibly thrown by Jacks Lecter impression - who is

this man, who is tweaking all her verbal nipples?
JACK (CONTD)
(misinterpreting Nancys
look)
With hindsight, possibly not the
best impression to do on a first
date.
(another beat)
Anyway, listen, Im talking, Im
talking a lot, and I know you can
sense it, so Im just going to keep
going with that, and start the
bidding with a drink on Londons
fashionable South Bank?
(holding his book up)
So, er... what are you waiting for?
Nancy looks up at the clock, and at all the couples

underneath it, meeting and greeting each other -
NANCY
I am waiting for...
(she looks down at the
book, then back at Jack)
You?
JACK
Good!
A totally bemused Nancy lets Jack lead her away from the
clock, the crowds engulfing them... and then we see Girl on
Train, hurrying to get to the clock, carrying a WHSmith bag,
from which she takes out a new copy of 6 Billion People and
You.
INT. WINE SHOP - DAY
BERT, Nancys Dad, is standing with Adam, looking at the

shelves of wine. Their trolley is so far filled with boxes
of cheap lager. In another part of the shop - Elaine -
looking at her mobile phone, a bit confused.
BERT
What do you think, good stuff for
the first few hours, descending in
quality as we do?
ADAM
Id go quality and quantity, Bert.
Its a massive night.
Bert thinks.
BERT
Youre right, we bloody deserve it.
Bert moves on to the 5.99 shelf. Nods at it.
BERT (CONTD)
Lets go mental.
They start stocking the trolley.
ADAM
Seriously, you do deserve it, I
mean, I dont know how youve done
it -
(beat, backtracking)
Not that I dont intend to go the
distance myself, obviously -
BERT
I think the trick is get through
the first thirty, forty years and
then just kind of... give up. From
that point on its a breeze.
Bert gives Adam a cheeky wink to Adam, who returns it.
BERT (CONTD)
No, Im serious.
FRAN, Nancys Mum approaches, pushing a trolley.
FRAN
(clocking Berts trolley)
How we getting on?
BERT (RE ADAM)

We are nailing it.
Adam salutes Bert.
FRAN
Well thats great.
(To Adam)
Put two of the boxes of lager back
Adam.
Adam salutes Fran. Puts the boxes of lager back
Elaine wanders over, holding her mobile phone, looking a

little perturbed. She is standing the other side of the
display unit.
FRAN (TO ELAINE) (CONTD)

What did Nancy say, what does she
want to drink?
ELAINE
Well Im not sure if she -
BERT
Shell want vodka. The only spirit
she can out-drink me on. But well
see about that later -
FRAN
No, we wont.
ELAINE
Guys? She didnt even answer her
phone, some man did. Sounds like
shes on a date.
They all look at her - WTF?
FRAN
With the man from last night? I
thought it didnt work out.
ELAINE
No it didnt work out, it was a
disaster.
ADAM
He was in love with his sister.
Adam shrugs a what are you gonna do? to Fran and Bert.
Elaine looks at him. Idiot.
BERT
So who answered her phone?
ELAINE
I dont know, Dad. He said he
wasnt a psychopath.
BERT
Well, that sounds quite
encouraging. Were having a party,
shes on a date, Im thinking maybe
shell bring him?
FRAN
Bert -
BERT
Well if hes not a psychopath -
Elaine, did he sound more of a red
wine drinker or a beer man?
ELAINE
Oh for fucks sake -
Elaine cant help laughing -
FRAN
(firmer)
Bert!
Bert is walking off
BERT
What, I am simply getting more
booze.
FRAN
Course you are.
BERT
A good host is prepared for all
eventualities.
ADAM
(looking at his watch)
Come on Pattersons, clocks
ticking.
Adam moves Bert along -

BERT
Fran, you walked straight past this
offer!
As Adam and Bert move away, leaving Fran and Elaine alone.
FRAN
(to Elaine, concerned)
Whats going on, is Nancy okay?
ELAINE
Yeah. Yes. Im sure shes fine Mum,
shes just -
FRAN
Hes looking forward to her speech.
ELAINE
I know.
FRAN
She is coming?
ELAINE
Course shes coming!
Fran looks worried. Elaine puts her arm around her.
ELAINE (CONTD)
Look, do you want me to write a few
words? Just in case?
FRAN
Not really darling no.
Elaine looks faux upset
ELAINE
Oh that cut me deep, that cut me
real deep.
(gives her a push)
Ill call her again! Okay?
FRAN
Thank you darling.
As Fran moves away, Elaine turns away, a little concerned,

calling Nancy again.
EXT. LONDONS SOUTHBANK - DAY
Nancy, wide-eyed and no idea what the hell she is doing. She
is walking alongside Jack, who notices her expression -
JACK
You okay?
(Nancy nods)
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D)
You just look a little bit, freaked
out!
Nancy shakes her head - no, no, not freaked at all/totally

freaked out. Her phone suddenly rings -
NANCY
Whoops! Bit of a first date no no!
Nancy takes her phone out of her bag, sees ELAINE CALLING -
cancels the call, as we momentarily go back to:
Elaine, looking at her phone again - dammit Nancy! As we go

back to:
Jack and Nancy. Jacks phone starts to ring -
JACK
Er, thats not embarrassing.
(reaching into his jacket
for his phone, looking at
it)
Oh, hold up, its Tom!
Nancy - who the fuck is Tom?
JACK (CONTD)
(answering it)
Hey buddy.
(he listens)
What? Eh? But Im here? With
Jessica.
As Nancy takes this in - My name is Jessica. She mouths it

to herself, concentrating her efforts - Jessica, Jessica,
Jessica -
JACK (CONTD)
(a bit confused, but he
winks at Nancy)
On the South Bank? Wanna speak to
her?
Nancy looks horrified -
JACK (CONTD)
(listening again)
Okay -
(a pause, then trying
not to smile)
- we will.
(he listens as Tom is
clearly saying saucy
stuff about Jessica)
Yes Tom, totally Tom, Im hanging
up now Tom.
(he hangs up)
(MORE)
JACK (CONTD)
He thought we hadnt found each
other.
NANCY
As if!
JACK
Lets turn these things off now,
shall we?
They switch off their phones in unison.
JACK (CONTD)
(smiling)
So. Jessica.
NANCY
(realising she doesnt
know his name)
So...
JACK
Tom tells me you work in the
city?
NANCY
I do, I do, thats what I do.
JACK
Is that quite stressful?
NANCY
Nah! Lunch is for wimps!
(a beat, annoyed with
herself)
Sorry -
JACK
(American accent)
If you need a friend, get a
dog. Wall Street. Great movie.
Nancy is visibly delighted at Jacks quoting abilities.
NANCY
(confidently)
And you are a...
JACK
...An online marketing -
(clears his throat for
effect)
Manager.
NANCY
I love online marketing managing!
JACK
But what I really want to do is
paint. You know, cant be an online
marketing manager forever! Plus,
the bots are taking over! Theyll
manage all the marketing in the
future!
NANCY
(enjoying Jacks banter)
Help!
JACK
Sorry, I am actually rather
nervous. Not used to this dating
chat. And Ill admit, I had a few
reservations, but then I thought,
you know what Jack -
As Nancy registers this - his name is Jack.
JACK
- I trust Tom! Hes not going to
set me up with someone Ive got
nothing in common with, hes a good
friend, right?
They have reached a pop-up bar -
NANCY
Id take a bullet for him, Jack.
JACK
So, where are you on the
relationship -
(he does a slightly cheesy
mime to imply a -)
- spectrum?
NANCY
Oh, you know, long term wise,
its been a while -
JACK
Since Pete?
NANCY
(who the hell is Pete?)
Since Pete?
JACK
Tom told me. Massive cock.
NANCY
(thrown)
Really?
JACK
Huge.
NANCY
It wasnt that big -
JACK
What he did to you.
NANCY
- er deal.
JACK
Had the same thing done to me.
Affairs eh? Whod have em? Oh
wait, they would!
NANCY
And what about your...
(doing the same cheesy mime
he did)
...spectrum?
Nancy grabs a packet of crisps from the bar, adding it to

their bill -
JACK
Recently? Ive had some one night
stands, girls from work, girls Ive
met in bars, or just like, on the
street -
Nancy nearly chokes on her drink. Jack gets his wallet out to
pay for the drinks -
JACK (CONTD)
(aware that sounded very
wrong, changing angle)
- but this is my first proper
date since, you know...
Nancy looks at him blankly.
JACK (CONTD)
The D word.
Nancy panics, looking at Jacks open wallet -
NANCY
Dead sister?
JACK
Huh?
NANCY
Its just something I say before I
drink... dead sister!
Nancy takes a massive gulp of her drink -
JACK
Dead sister!
(he drinks like Nancy)
Anyway, Im not one to let a failed
marriage put me off relationships
for good -
NANCY
(getting the D word)
Divorce!
JACK
Just be thankful you and Pete
didnt get hitched. It gets way
more complicated when youre
trying to work out who gets the
flat -
(pumping his fist)
Winner!
Nancy spontaneously laughs, as they awkwardly high five -
TIME LAPSE TO:
INT. SOUTHBANK STEPS/MEZZANINE - DAY
Nancy and Jack walking along with their drinks.
JACK (CONTD)
Yup, Ive got big home improvement
plans for this year. Going to do up
our... my flat, paint the hallway,
bleach the sheets -
(beat)
Anyway! Lets not talk about all
that shit! All that bad ju-ju!
Because Im so over it.
NANCY
You really sound it.
JACK
Its in the past!
(no idea what it says -)
What does it say in 6 Billion
People and You?
NANCY
(no idea what it says
either)
Fuck the past?
JACK
The past is so last year!
NANCY
(opening a packet of
crisps)
If that book has taught me
anything, its taught me that.
JACK
Tom says youre a triathlete?
NANCY
(munching crisps - a
what?!)
Uh-uh -
JACK
Do you have to train a lot?
NANCY
(re the crisps)
I need to regularly carb up.
Nancy devours the crisps, offers Jack one who takes one as
though he shouldnt.
JACK
Oh go on then, I worked out today,
I mean I work out most days. I like
to, yknow, pump some iron -
Jack performs a vague weight lifting mime. They munch in

silence for a few moments. The silence not uncomfortable.
JACK (CONTD)
(looking out over the
Thames)
Ah, isnt this great? I mean, I
dont envy my mates with kids. Are
they here with us now? Hell no.
Theyre at home, lying in wait for
the next nappy change -
(correcting himself)
Not that I dont want kids. Im 40,
they wont all be swimming in the
right direction forever! But just
not right now. Should probably get
a girlfriend first!
NANCY
Oh, me too, I definitely want kids.
But Im not like, freaking out
about it yet.
JACK
Me neither.
As the CUTEST BABY EVER IN A PAPOOSE goes past them,

gurgling and smiling at them both. They both physically
swoon a bit.
JACK (CONTD)
(re-setting himself)
Well, youve got plenty of time,
youre only 24.
Nancy nearly chokes on her crisps. Jack checks his watch -
JACK (CONTD)
Come on, lets get out of here.
- as Nancy also peeks at Jacks watch, yikes -
JACK
Unless youve got somewhere better
to be -
Before Nancy can say anything, Jack starts to take off his
scarf -
JACK
Plus its fucking freezing out
here!
He starts to wrap his scarf around Nancys neck. Its a nice

little moment, and she cant help enjoying his touch.
JACK (CONTD)
I know a nice little joint over the
river.
(he pushes a bit of scarf
fluff out of Nancys
mouth)
Does your carb regime allow for a
ten tonne burrito and a couple of
2 tequila shots?
NANCY
(shes so not going home
yet)
Yes it does!
EXT. HUNGERFORD BRIDGE/LONDON - DUSK
Jack and Nancy, walking over Hungerford Bridge towards their

next destination, which is a -
INT. MEXICAN CANTINA. THE WEST END - NIGHT
Nancy and Jack, at the bar, grimacing a bit, doing their

shots of tequila.
The barman, DANIEL, comes over to clear their glasses.
DANIEL
(to Jack)
Hey man.
JACK
Hey man, hows it going?
Nancy clocks the recognition between the men. Daniel moves

off -
NANCY
You a regular here?
JACK
Well, define regular -
As a Waitress walks past -
WAITRESS
Hi Jack.
JACK
Hey Helen, hows it going?
Jack clocks Nancys Moleskine notepad on the bar. He quickly

reaches into his bag to produce an identical one -
JACK (CONTD)
Ah, snap!
(beat)
Were swapping right?
NANCY
Swapping?
As he opens his notepad to a specific page, holding it out,

Nancy blankly takes it from him, confused. Jack picks up her
notepad from the bar -
JACK
(not entirely convincing)
To do the genius 6 billion ways to
get to know me better lists you
suggested?
(opening up Nancys mantra
list)
Is this your one?
NANCY
(no idea whats going on)
That is... my one.
JACK (CONTD)
Mines at the front.
Nancy looks down at Jacks notepad, opening it up to his

list. Favourite Band: Lloyd Cole and The Commotions,
Favourite Food: Spag Bol Lifetime Ambition etc... What fresh
hell is this?
JACK (CONTD)
(reading off Nancys
list, confused)
Put yourself out there... take
chances... Black Pant Wash?
NANCY
(struggling)
Dont you know that, er, band?
JACK
(feeling out of his
depth)
Are they new?
NANCY
(no idea what shes talking
about)
Oh yeah, really young, and fresh
and up and coming. My favourite
band.
JACK
Of course! Theyre so great.
Really... funky.
An awkward moment as they both look at their lists, no idea

where to go next with this -
JACK (CONTD)
Get stronger thighs?
NANCY
(re Jacks list, flailing)
Whoa, spooky, I also love Spaghetti
Bolognese!
JACK
(flailing even more)
What are the chances of that?
NANCY
Like, none chances.
JACK
Well, thats the lists done! And
didnt they go well.
Relieved, they both happily chuck their notepads down onto

the bar. Daniel has put the bill down. Nancy gets out her
wallet to pay, as does Jack, and they go back and forth, once
more, to see who pays. Nancy wins this time, revealing photos
of her cats in her wallet -
JACK
Ooh, who are they?
A beat, as Nancy feels over the moon that Jack has asked her
about her cats -
NANCY
Slash and Axl?
JACK
(laughing, then)
Paradise Kitties!
They laugh, and then... some guilt kicks in, and Nancy feels
like maybe its time to come clean -
NANCY
(deep breath)
Look, Jack, Ive actually got a
confession to make -
JACK
Yeah, me too -
NANCY
You have?
JACK
Yeah. Let me go first. Ive never
heard of Black Pant Wash...
Nancy finds his honesty appealing and is momentarily

distracted from her own giant deception.
JACK (CONTD)
...and I think its important to be
honest about that - because honesty
is so important, right?
Nancy nods and shakes her head simultaneously.
JACK (CONTD)
I mean, I guess those lists are a
good ice breaker -
NANCY
(not totally convincing)
The best!
JACK
But you dont actually believe that
just because we both like spag bol,
were going to end up together
forever -
NANCY
Well, depends on the spag bol -
JACK
Depends on the spag bol, yeah,
might be a really good spag bol!
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D)
But right now, whatever happens
tonight, wherever we end up, Im
having a really good time, getting
to know you, and youre being very
patient with me, so thank you for
that -
(he looks around the bar)
- and I really dont know why I
brought you here, it was a stupid
idea. So how about we go someplace
else, somewhere different -
Nancy, totally torn but she so enjoyed that speech, and Jack,
and -
JACK (CONTD)
(lightbulb)
Bowling! Tom said you liked
bowling!
NANCY
(sold!)
I bloody love bowling!
Jack picks up the two remaining shots, handing one to Nancy -
JACK
Whaddya say? Couple for the road
then hit the lanes?
As we hold on Nancy, considering whether to take the shot,

and her next move...
NANCY
(Fuck it!)
Okay?
They grin at each other. Shots taken. Game. On. Music. Up.
INT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES - NIGHT
A hot and steamy BOWLING MONTAGE.
SMASH! C/U on some bowling pins. Someone is getting an

awesome strike. And that someone is Nancy, ecstatic to be at
a bowling alley. And this is no ordinary bowling alley. This
is cheesy, tacky, retro heaven, with a 1960s style diner,
staff dressed in American bowling style outfits.
Nancy seductively picks up another bowling ball, turning it

around in her hands, as she watches Jacks fingers erotically
tap his beer bottle. She sidles up to their lane, taking an
extra bit of time to move her arse around a bit, pretending
to line herself up to take a shot. Jack appreciates the view.
Nancy stretches her legs out on the semi-luxurious seats,

watching Jacks hands weighing up two bowling balls, which
could well be her breasts in her mind.
Jack pokes his fingers one by one into a bowling ball. Nancy
lets her beer bottle linger a little bit too long over her
lips. Jack takes his shot, and then drops down to the floor,
lying on his side in a nonchalant position - yup, its
another strike.
Nancy takes a shot, and as she does, she slides onto her
knees, and then on to all fours, yknow, to see if she gets a
strike. She does. Still on all fours, she turns her head to
wink at Jack. Its sexual clich heaven and theyre loving
it. Unbeknownst to them, a bowling party of young kids has
witnessed the whole thing.
As our hot and steamy bowling montage comes to an end, Jack

and Nancy, now pretty drunk, and clearly digging each
other...
JACK
Who says blind dates dont work?
NANCY
(a beat of drunken reality)
Im going to go get us a drink.
INT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES/BAR - MOMENTS LATER
Nancy swiftly heads for the bar, glancing round to clock

Jack watching her go. He looks away. Too late! Nancy leans
on the bar, pretty pleased with herself. One of the barmen,
SEAN, 34, tall, dark and kinda handsome, notices her, and
does a double take.
SEAN
(disbelief)
Nancy?
NANCY
(confused)
Yes?
SEAN
Nancy Patterson?
NANCY
(trying to place Sean)
Do we know each other?
SEAN
Sean Bellamy? Class 5G, St.
Andrews Comprehensive, 88-93, I
sat next to you in Chemistry for
five years?
Nancy so wants to remember him.
SEAN (CONTD)
I gave you a Valentines Card in
year nine, you tore it up in
front of everyone? Your mum ran
me over that time.
NANCY
(as the penny drops)
Oh God, yes. Im so sorry about
that.
SEAN
Dont worry, I glued it back
together. It was only in about 57
pieces.
NANCY
No, I meant... but you were so -
SEAN
Fat! I know. Yeah, that was me, Big
Fat Sean, Lord of The Pies, Emperor
Boom Boom -
NANCY
And now youre so -
SEAN
Uh-huh, I went on the 5:2 diet. 5
days on Chocolate Nesquik, 2 days
on Strawberry Nesquik. I lost it
all from here -
(his stomach)
Here -
(his face)
But luckily not from here -
(his cock)
NANCY
(cringing)
Can I just get two beers, please?
SEAN
Hell yes.
(to himself but loudly)
Nancy fucking Patterson. WOW!
Sean goes to the fridges, he cannot believe this is

happening. Nancy checks to see if Jack is looking over at
them. Hes not. Sean puts two beers down in front of her.
SEAN (CONTD)
(winking at her)
Theyre on me. It is so good to
see you.
NANCY
(unsure)
Likewise?
Nancy takes the beers, and walks quickly back to -
- Jack, still on the sofa. She hands him his beer.
JACK
Flirting with the barman?
NANCY
(horrified)
What? No!
JACK
Its okay. Im like the least
jealous person ever.
NANCY
Me too.
A beat, as they drink, and consider this. They clearly both

are.
NANCY
(re the bowling)
So, lets ramp this up a bit! Not
that Im competitive.
Jack grins and stands up, starts to choose a bowling ball as

Nancy turns to glance back at the bar again but - WHOA - Sean
is right there.
SEAN
Nancy!
NANCY
Sssshh!
SEAN
(confused)
But I brought you some nachos? On
the house.
NANCY
(pushing them away)
Ive got a wheat allergy.
SEAN
No you dont.
(beat)
Hey, remember this?
Sean shows Nancy a photograph. Nancy leans in, confused -
NANCY
Where the hell did you get that?
SEAN
It was in my wallet.
NANCY
Who took it?
SEAN
I did.
NANCY
Thats in my bedroom? I dont
remember you ever being in my
bedroom?
SEAN
I wasnt in your bedroom, silly. I
was outside - in a tree.
Nancy is horrified, but then -
JACK
(shouting over)
Jessica? Watch and weep.
SEAN
Why is he calling you Jessica,
youre not called Jessica, youre
called Nancy, Nancy Patterson -
As Jack steps up to bowl, Nancy quickly puts her arm around

Sean in an attempt to lead him away -
NANCY
Look...
SEAN
Sean. Sean Bellamy.
NANCY
Sean... Seanie B! Im in a bit of
situation here -
SEAN
(nestling his head on
her shoulder and
smelling her hair)
You still use Pantene Pro-V.
Nancy looks at him. He removes his head.
NANCY
That guy is not my boyfriend. Hes
not even my date. I stole him
from... from under the clock at
Waterloo Station. And Im
pretending to be the girl he should
be on a date with.
SEAN
Kinky!
JACK (O.S.)
Hey...
Nancy and Sean turn around to see Jack,
JACK (CONTD)
Im Jack.
SEAN
And I am Sean.
JACK
You two know each other then?
NANCY/SEAN
No/Yes!
NANCY
We did know each other. We went
to school together.
SEAN
Old friends.
NANCY
Old, old friends.
SEAN
(nonchalant)
We had a bit of a thing going on.
Nancy looks at Sean - we did?
JACK
Good for you.
SEAN
It was.
NANCY
It really wasnt, that good -
SEAN
(wiggling his hips
suggestively)
You never forget your first.
NANCY
So anyway! Lovely to see you
after all these years Sean! All
the best yeah?
JACK
Good to meet you, Sean. Ill take
it from here.
Jack walks away, Nancy tries to follow -
SEAN
Hang on, Jessica!
Sean beckons Nancy over, she realises she has no choice but
to go over to him -
NANCY
(to Sean)
What are you doing?!
SEAN
It appears I finally have you over
a barrel, Nancy Patterson. Indeed,
youre clearly not the girl you
used to be, once cool and
confident, now stealing other
womens dates from under clocks.
NANCY
Well, youre working as a barman
in a novelty bowling alley -
SEAN
(proudly)
- just like Mr Armstrong
predicted.
NANCY
Who?
SEAN
Careers advisor at St. Andrews.
Jeez, do you remember anything
about school, because I remember
everything...
(shouting it over
towards Jack)
Nancy!
Jack doesnt hear, but it has the desired affect.
NANCY
(plaintive)
Please Sean. I am out bowling
with a man. A man who might
actually have some potential and
not just in a hes a really good
bowler type way. Dont ruin it
for me. Please.
Sean considers Nancys plea.
SEAN
Okay, I wont.
NANCY
(relieved)
Thank you.
SEAN
If you give me a blow job.
NANCY
What?!
SEAN
Take it or leave it!
NANCY
Are you out of your fucking mind?
SEAN
Oh come on, wouldnt hurt! Just a
tiny little blow job, and I wont
dismantle your web of deceit,
Little Miss Muffet.
NANCY
(a bit too loudly, people
look at her)
I am not going to give you a blow
job!
SEAN
Hand job? Pearl Necklace?
NANCY
No! Stop it, Sean!
SEAN
Okay, a kiss.
Nancy wrestles with this, slightly.
SEAN
Oh come on! I just want to fulfil a
life long ambition! Remember when
you did it with Jason Aspinall in
the H Block toilets?
NANCY
How did you -
SEAN
I was in the adjoining cubicle.
NANCY
Sweet baby Jesus.
SEAN
Yup, thats what you said.
Nancy glances nervously over at Jack, who is pretending not

to be impatient, or indeed jealous.
SEAN (CONTD)
I remember sitting there,
listening, thinking, why cant I
have that too?
(he grabs Nancy by the
shoulders)
Whats so wrong with me, Nancy,
whats so wrong with me?
NANCY
Okay, one kiss!
SEAN
With tongues.
NANCY
No tongues.
SEAN
(immediately, and
suspiciously calm
again)
But in the toilets?
NANCY
Yes. In the toilets.
SEAN
And it has to be tonight or Ill
never find you again. You have no
online presence.
Nancy takes this in. PSYCHO ALERT.
NANCY
Can I go now?
SEAN
Yes! But Ill be watching you.
NANCY
I dont doubt that.
As Nancy walks back to Jack, Sean makes fake binoculars with

his hands, training them on her. She is so in his sights.
INT. NANCYS PARENTS HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
Elaine and Adam tentatively taking out some vol-au-vents from

the oven...
ELAINE
(cant look)
Shit, shit, shit -
They do look a little flat -
ADAM
Its fine. Theyre fine. Everyone
will just get drunk -
(gorging action)
- and shove them down!
Elaine looks at Adam dubiously -
ADAM
They will!
He takes a piping hot vol-au-vent off the tray, stuffs it in

his mouth, immediately spits it out.
ADAM (CONTD)
ARGHH!
Fran enters, in her party frock, carrying two signs that read
RED WINE SOFA and WHITE WINE SOFA - Adam springs up
guiltily, trying to obscure the spitty food tray from view.
FRAN
Any word from Nancy?
ELAINE
(evasive)
Not eeeeeeeexactly -
Elaine puts down the tray, steers Fran into the front room,
as Adam looks down at the kitchen table where all the booze
is now laid out - he cracks open a beer, chugs it down, ticks
Booze off the list.
INT. NANCYS PARENTS HOUSE/FRONT ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Fran and Elaine find Bert, also in his party clothes,

relaxing on one of the sofas with a glass of red wine. There
is one main round table, and lots of other smaller tables and
chairs. A long table nearby, covered over for now.
FRAN
(clocking Bert, this wont
do)
No no no no no no -
ELAINE
- but in her defence, it does sound
like shes got a very good reason
for her tardiness -
Fran pulls a confused Bert up, placing the WHITE WINE SOFA
sign on the sofa he was sitting on. She gravely hands him the
RED WINE SOFA sign, directing him over -
BERT
(putting the RED WINE SOFA
sign in its place)
Shes right, Franny -
(nudging her
affectionately, then
teasing)
And who knows, maybe today will end
up being not just our anniversary?
A moment of softening for Fran -
ELAINE
(nudging Fran as well)
Yeah, imagine that Mum -
(mock panic face)
Oh my god, but who would you worry
about then?
They both jostle her affectionately, as she gives in to their

teasing but then -
FRAN
Oh for christs sake Bert, youve
slobbed!
BERT
(looking down at himself)
What? Where?
As Elaine surreptitiously returns to her phone.
FRAN
(showing him the slob)
Oh god, what is it this time?
They both examine the stain. Bert tastes it.
BERT
(guilty)
Hummus?
The doorbell rings out -
FRAN
(to Bert, re his jumper)
Off! Off! Off!
(to Elaine, yikes)
Guests!
As Fran and Bert exit -
ELAINE
(smiling confidently)
Go get em, parents!
Elaine picks up her mobile phone, typing a message to Nancy:

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU...
INT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES. SHOE EXCHANGE - NIGHT
A very flushed and drunk Nancy is leaning provocatively on

the Shoe Exchange counter, as a similarly high on life Jack
returns his shoes. There is a distinct frisson in the air,
as Nancy hands her shoes over -
NANCY
(to the bowling shoe
boy)
Aw, cant I keep them?
The not amused Bowling Boy snatches them away.
JACK
Do you honestly think thats the
first time hes heard that?
Nancy grins -
NANCY
Tonight, maybe.
- she has something stuck in her teeth.
JACK
Saving it for later?
Nancy doesnt know what hes talking about. He motions to her

teeth -
JACK (CONTD)
Youve got...
(he taps his own mouth,
scrutinizes hers)
Jalapeno?
NANCY
(baring her teeth)
Oh god, where?
Nancy runs her finger along her teeth -
JACK
Up a bit? No. Left. Left a bit
more. Right. Its sort of...
wedged... nearly... no!
NANCY
Im just going to nip to the -
She motions to the ladies toilets.

JACK
Ill wait here.
(winks)
Think about what we can get up to
next.
Nancy looks at the clock on the wall. 8.45pm. Yikes. Jack

tightens his scarf around Nancys neck again - Nancy swoons.
NANCY
(re the toilets)
And Ill go in there.
(winks)
Think about what we can get up to
next.
Jacks eyes light up, as Nancy skips into -
INT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES. LADIES TOILETS - MOMENTS

LATER
- the ladies toilet, a sexy spring in her step. She goes

over to the mirror, next to a couple of other girls, who
are immaculately reapplying their lipstick. Nancy leans in
to the mirror, picking at the jalapeno in her teeth. The
girls look at her sympathetically, and exit. Nancy gets
the Jalapeno out of her teeth - result - looks around,
checks theres nobody else in there to see her -
NANCY
(to herself, mimicking
Jacks sexy tone)
What do you want to do next, what
do I want to do next -
She pretends to dry hump the sink when suddenly, from

underneath the cubicle nearest to her - a hand grabs her
ankle. Nancy screams as she looks down to see... Sean
looking up at her.
NANCY
Fucking hell Sean!
SEAN
I saw you were about to leave, so
I took my break early.
NANCY
(feigning innocence)
Leaving? I wasnt leaving...
Seans head disappears, and the toilet door swings open. He

is wearing just his socks and some tiny pants.
NANCY
Sweet baby Jesus.
SEAN
Not yet!
(a pause)
I left my socks on, because its
always a strong look on a man.
NANCY
Always.
As Nancy turns on her heel to leg it -
SEAN
Okay, well Ill just put my clothes
back on and go outside and have a
little chat with Jack about
Jessica -
Chastened, Nancy turns back.
SEAN
(puckering up)
Where do you want to land those
luscious lips?
Sean gyrates around a bit. Nancy looks around the toilets.

Somebody help? No, nobody.
NANCY
Were leaving the door open.
SEAN
Now youre talking!
Nancy takes in Seans physique. It could be worse.
SEAN
(pumping his guns)
From fat to fit, right?
Nancy pokes one of his arms, actually quite impressed.
SEAN
- and these babies have had
15 years of dating Pamela Handerson-
(Nancy doesnt react)
Going Hans Solo on Darth Vaders
helmet -
(still nothing from Nancy)
I have been wanking a lot.
Sean throws Nancys scarf over his shoulders, wrapping it

around the back of his head, pulling the scarf so that Nancy
is pulled towards him. He starts to sing Phyllis Nelsons
Move Closer.
SEAN
Will you hold my face?
NANCY
Why?
SEAN
It will make it more romantic.
NANCY
I dont think this could be any
more romantic, Sean.
Sean looks pleadingly at Nancy. She reluctantly reaches her

hands up to Seans face, as he cant believe his luck. She
is just about to kiss him, when he suddenly spins her
round, dropping her down in a dramatic embrace, pulling one
of her legs around his back.
JACK (O.S.)
Jessica?
Nancy scrambles to look over Seans shoulder - but their

necks are bound together now by the scarf - to see Jack
standing there. Nancy is entwined with a half naked Sean.
This does not look good.
SEAN
(not missing a beat)
Hey man.
NANCY
Jack!
JACK
(totally thrown)
Youd been gone a while, so I
thought maybe I should come and
find you -
NANCY
- what is happening here is
definitely not what you think is
happening here.
Nancy starts to move, but the scarf situation means this

results in Sean coming with her. From behind.
JACK
I think Im just going to leave.
NANCY
(pulling the scarf off)
No, wait! Let me explain!
Sean grabs to pick up the scarf -
JACK
(its clearly not okay)
Its okay!
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D)
I thought we had a connection,
but you know, you obviously still
have feelings for Sean and...
NANCY
No no no, you dont understand,
please, dont go!
SEAN
(putting Jacks scarf on,
thinking its Nancys)
Jack, chill man.
(he puts his arm around
Nancy territorially)
Dont be so harsh on Nancy -
JACK
Whos Nancy?
Sean looks at Nancy. Oops!
JACK
Why is he calling you Nancy?
SEAN
It was my other pet name for her!
NANCY
(grateful)
Yes!
SEAN NANCY
Like Nancy Reagan. Like Nancy Sinatra.
They look at each other. Then put their arms around each
other, a united front.
SEAN NANCY
Nancy Sinatra. Nancy Reagan.
Nancy suddenly cant help nearly laughing. The absurdity of

the situation is finally getting to her.
JACK
I am gonna go.
NANCY
(trying not to laugh)
No, dont -
And now Nancy is really starting to laugh. And not thinking

that what shes about to say will have any major effect on
the evening now anyway -
NANCY (CONTD)
(trying to compose
herself)
(MORE)
NANCY (CONTD)
Wait, Jack, let me tell you the
truth! Now seems as good a time
as any to confess -
JACK
Confess what?
NANCY
(pulling herself
together)
The reason Sean just called me
Nancy.
(smiling at the
ridiculousness of it all)
Its because Im not called
Jessica! And the reason I am not
called Jessica is because I am
not actually Jessica.
Sean puts his arm around Nancy again.
SEAN
Shes Nancy. Nancy Patterson.
NANCY
Okay, you can put your clothes
back on and leave now Sean.
SEAN
But my kiss -
NANCY
Go!
Sean grabs his clothes and exits, inhaling Jack/Nancys

scarf to his face as he does. A beat as Jack realises Sean
is going off with his scarf, and then -
NANCY (CONTD)
(chatting away)
Anyway, I was in here with him
because he said he wouldnt tell
you who I really was if I kissed
him. Because Im not really your
blind date, Jack. But you thought
I was, what with the book, and
the clock and quid pro quo...
(off Jacks confusion)
I was watching it last night! So
sue me, I went with it! And then we
started having such a nice time -
JACK
- hang on. Youre not actually
the girl I was supposed to meet
earlier?
NANCY
No.
JACK
Whoa.
NANCY
I know, it does sound a bit mad!
But dont think mad, think...
impulsive!
JACK
- what kind of lunatic woman
stands waiting under a clock in
order to steal someone elses
blind date?
NANCY
(overlapping with Jack)
I wasnt waiting under the clock
and it wasnt stealing in the
conventional sense of the word,
that girl gave me her book! Which
is why you thought I was her -
JACK
- I thought you were her because
you said you were her!
NANCY
But did I actually say that?
JACK
- and when were you planning on
telling me the truth about this
frankly quite psychotic decision of
yours?
NANCY
Well, there wasnt really a plan in
place per se -
JACK
(incredulous)
Because who would have a plan for
something like this!
NANCY
Exactly!
JACK
- something so fucked up!
NANCY
I think people have done worse
things in the world... and
anyway, she wasnt right for you -
JACK
Perhaps you would have allowed me
to come to that conclusion myself?
NANCY
I was merely trying to meet my mate
in the modern world -
JACK
Who the hell are you anyway?!
NANCY
I am Nancy, Nancy Patterson -
JACK
Are you even really a triathlete?
NANCY
Thats the next thing you ask?
JACK
And where the hell is Jessica?
NANCY
I would have thought shes
probably gone home by now.
As some YOUNG LOOKING GIRLS enter the toilets -
NANCY
Past her bedtime.
JACK
(as Jack realises)
Are you even 24?
NANCY
Add another 10.
JACK
Whoa!
NANCY
Fuck you, Grandpa!
JACK
Not in 6 billion years.
NANCY
That was so un-called for!
JACK
So was derailing my date!
Nancy turns to the Young Looking Girls, who are giggling at

them both.
NANCY
Laugh it up girls. I am your
future.
JACK
34?!
NANCY
40!
Jack turns and storms out, as does Nancy -
INT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES - CONTINUOUS
- and now they are both trying to storm off together, towards
the cloakroom.
NANCY
I think youre over-reacting just a
little bit -
As they get to the cloakroom window -
JACK
How would you feel, Nancy? Youve
been set up to meet someone who
is meant to be absolutely perfect
for you -
As a HOPEFUL LOOKING TEENAGE BOY appears at the cloakroom

window.
JACK
- but you dont get to meet them,
because some psycho pretends to
be them instead?
Jack aggressively takes a ticket out of his back pocket,

handing it over to a now slightly crest fallen Hopeful
Teenage Boy, who is transfixed by their conversation.
NANCY
Firstly, set ups? They never
work out, and b -
JACK
Tom said we matched!
NANCY
Oh pleeeeease. She reads self-
help books and the Da Vinci Code,
and works in the city. What does
that even mean??
JACK
It means shes a high-flying, 24-
year-old business woman!
NANCY
You really liked the 24 part,
didnt you?
JACK
Ah, the classic retort of a
lonely, 34-year-old woman
desperate for somewhere to put
her eggs -
NANCY
Well, at least Im nearly at my
sexual peak! Its all downhill
for you now, Hefner! Knock knock,
whos there, Viagra!
As they both look at the now horrified Hopeful Teenage Boy,

who scurries off to get their stuff.
JACK
Wow. The bitter look really suits
you. No wonder Pete slept around
on you... Oh wait... there is no
Pete.
NANCY
And there is no wife. Because she
left you. Oh, Im so wounded,
and rejected, please help me
young woman who is nearly half my
age -
JACK
This, from a girl who had to
steal someone elses date in
order to even get one -
NANCY
At least Im not walking around
thinking Im the catch of the
century. Ooh, look at me, with my
own flat, and my online marketing
management job, but what I really
want to do is paaaaaaiiiint.
JACK
I am going to paint!
NANCY
Sure you are!
Hopeful Teenage Boy comes back with two jackets, and

Nancys bag for them.
JACK
Well, it was simply lovely not
getting to know you.
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D)
And big congratulations on a
massive pack of lies.
(to the Hopeful Teenage
Boy)
Wheres my bag?
HOPEFUL TEENAGE BOY

Um, that was all that was on the
ticket, Im afraid.
JACK
(to Nancy)
Wheres my bag?
NANCY
How should I know?
Nancy goes into her own bag... confused, she pulls out one of
the notepads from her bag -
NANCY
Why have I got your notepad?
JACK
(oh no)
We left my bag in the bloody
Cantina.
NANCY
(shoving the notepad at
him)
Your bag Jack, not mine. How many
tequilas did you have?
JACK
(another penny drop)
Its got my divorce papers in it!
NANCY
Ooh, sexy.
JACK
I came straight from the lawyers!
NANCY
Ooh, sexier!
As Jack starts to walk off -
NANCY
Wait, your divorce papers - and my
notepad... and my speech!
JACK
What fucking speech?
EXT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES - NIGHT
Nancy and Jack charging outside - Jack still holding his

notepad. Nancy is at the tail end of telling Jack the rest of
the truth -
NANCY
- for their 40th wedding
anniversary -
JACK
Oh this just gets better and
better! Not only do you steal
someone elses blind date, you
stand up your parents on one of the
most important milestones of their
lives! You need to seriously look
at your motivations for doing, and
not doing things -
NANCY
(contrite, walking off)
I need my speech.
Jack starts to hail a taxi -
NANCY
(stopping, totally
confused)
What are you doing?
JACK
Getting a cab back to the bar.
NANCY
Its only a 10 minute walk?
JACK
No its not, its like 20 minutes -
NANCY
What are you talking about, its 10
minutes!
JACK
(challenging)
You seem pretty confident about
that, Nancy?
NANCY
Because its a fact, Jack.
As a taxi pulls up -
JACK
Oh its a fact is it? Like the fact
youre a triathlete?
NANCY
Great, brilliant -
JACK
I tell you what, heres an idea.
Why dont you run, swim and cycle
to the bar, and well see who gets
there first?
Nancy looks at him, confused.
JACK
You don't even know what a
triathlon is!
NANCY
Yeah I do!
JACK
Oh you do, do you? Well, ready,
steady -
Jacks jumps into the taxi.
JACK
Go!
Nancy, taking her cue, immediately starts to run. The taxi

starts to pull away. Having some fun with this, Jack waves at
Nancy lightly - bye bye! - then turns to look out the back
window, tapping his watch - tick tock, tick tock! As Bust a
Move by Young MC starts to play -
NANCY
(as she runs, determined)
Get. Stronger. Thighs.
Nancy starts to run. And not just any old run. A focussed,
almost triathlete like run. Steady, eyes on the prize,
through the side streets of London. Nancy gets to a main road
- a group of girls - a hen party! - block her way - she
starts to wade through them, in a breast stroke fashion.
Shes basically swimming now. She gets through the crowd,
picks up her running pace again, a little tired, but not
deterred.
Jack, in the taxi, triumphant at first... then hitting some

late night Soho traffic.
Nancy goes down an alleyway, pops out the other side - sees a
row of bikes locked up, various owners milling around -
bingo! As she saunters over with purpose, and next -
- Nancy is now on one of the bikes - she clearly used all her
charms - and cycling furiously through London town.
EXT. MEXICAN CANTINA. THE WEST END - NIGHT
As the taxi pulls up, Jack is impatient to get out. He walks

briskly towards the cantina, still carrying his notepad -
- just as a dishevelled, sweaty, puddle-splashed Nancy comes

cycling around the corner, pulling up right by Jack - wheel
screech!
NANCY
In your 40-year-old face!
JACK
I thought you werent competitive?
NANCY
I thought you werent competitive?
Nancy dumps the bike in a Boris rack, and suddenly throws up

in the corner.
JACK
(a moment of concern)
Are you okay -
NANCY
(wiping sick from her
mouth)
Tactical puke!
A beat as Jack checks his watch, looks ominously at the

door to the bar.
JACK
It had better be in there.
NANCY
(pushing past Jack)
Of course it will be in there.
Nancy goes in. Jack steels himself, and follows -
INT. MEXICAN CANTINA/THE WEST END - MOMENTS LATER
- they both scan the bar, which is far busier now. The dance
floor is now full of tourists, dancing to the cheesy music of
the DJ.
DANIEL
(spotting them)
Hey, you want some more tequila!
NANCY JACK
No. No.
NANCY
Is his manbag here?
Jack puts his notepad down on the bar, looks up and down the
bar, seeming satisfied about something -
JACK
Its a satchel. And Im not used to
carrying it.
DANIEL
Let me go check.
Daniel goes off. Nancy looks down at herself, aware she is a

right mess. She starts to walk off -
JACK
Where are you going?
NANCY
To the toilets.
JACK
Meeting someone?
NANCY
No! So you dont need to follow me
in there.
JACK
No intention of ever doing that
again, thanks!
We go with Nancy as she barges into -
INT. MEXICAN CANTINA. TOILETS - SAME TIME
- the toilets, and heads straight for the mirror where she -
NANCY
(wailing with frustration)
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Nancy gets her phone out of her bag - 10 missed calls and
messages from Elaine. She dials her back, clocking what a
state she looks in the mirror. She gets a tissue, wipes some
bike mud off her face.
NANCY (CONTD)
(softer)
Fuck.
Elaines phone starts to ring.

INT. NANCYS PARENTS HOUSE/KITCHEN - NIGHT
The party really underway now, music playing loudly, everyone

enjoying themselves, drinking red and white wine on the
correct sofas, and a small child casually drinking a glass of
Prosecco... which is quickly swiped away by a breezy Elaine,
who downs it herself, smiling over at Fran, who is laughing
at Bert, eating a mini pizza, proudly demonstrating that his
change of jumper is still slob-free.
- Adam moonwalks over with a fresh tray of sausage rolls,

which he presents to Elaine. He pops one in her mouth, she
pops one in his mouth, they high-five, hip bump and return to
their nibbles duties, as we see Elaines unanswered ringing
phone, on a nearby table switching to answer machine -
INT. MEXICAN CANTINA/THE TOILETS - NIGHT
- as Nancy hears the voice of her sisters answer phone, and

sadly hangs up. She chucks her phone in her bag, gets out her
make-up bag, suddenly infuriated with herself -
NANCY
(to herself)
Nice one, Nancy!
She applies mascara.
NANCY (CONTD)
(putting some lipstick on)
Hey, new mantra!
NANCY (CONTD)
(putting some blusher on)
Stop. Being. Such. A. Loser.
She takes her damp top off. T-shirty vest underneath.

Straightens straps. Tightens bra notch. Ruffles her hair.
Throws cardigan over her shoulder. She spots some air
freshener. Gives her underarms a quick spray. Thats better.
She has pulled herself together. Sort of.
Jack is scanning the bar again, checking his watch. As he

turns to look towards - Nancy exiting the toilets. Jack
does a double take at her - god, she looks quite lovely. As
Nancy arrives at the bar, oblivious to Jack checking her
out, she just resolutely stares straight ahead. Jack
pauses, suddenly not sure what to say next -
JACK
(a bit intrigued)
Do you even like bowling?
NANCY
(eyes ahead, not looking
at him)
I love bowling.
JACK
Oh so you havent been faking it
the whole night then?
NANCY
And I bet youve said that line
before.
Jack looks at her - whoa! Nancy sighs -
NANCY (CONTD)
Look, for the record, I realise
this isnt my finest hour. And in
hindsight, agreeing to Seans...
demands was possibly not the best
decision Ive made all evening -
JACK
You could have just told me the
truth.
NANCY
I was going to, it was just -
Jessica was doing so well.
Daniel appears with Jacks manbag.
DANIEL
(winking at Nancy)
One manbag.
Relieved, Jack starts to root around in his bag for Nancys

notepad.
JACK
(chuckling)
Black Pant Wash.
NANCY
(sarcastic chuckle)
Funky.
As Jack takes out Nancys notepad, placing it alongside his

notepad on the bar -
JACK
(cant help smiling)
Idiot!
Angle on Nancy:
NANCY
(half smiling back)
Idiot!
A dark-haired woman standing behind Jack suddenly turns at

the sound of Nancy saying idiot -
DARK-HAIRED WOMAN
(to the back of Jacks
head)
Jack?
Jack spins around, his smile totally fading as he sees

HILARY, 37, a precise looking woman who carries herself well
and knows it.
HILARY
What are you doing here? I thought
wed agreed.
JACK
What am I doing here, what are you
doing here?
Nancy, confused by whats going on, as ED, 39, handsome and

overly manly, steps in.
ED
Hello Jack.
JACK
Fuck off Ed.
Hilary suddenly whips a small Smythson diary out of her

bag.
HILARY
I get this place, between 5 and
10pm on a Saturday.
JACK
(fake covering)
Oh, I thought it was on a Sunday -
Hilary shows her clearly marked diary to Jack. Nancy also

looks at it, surprised by this information.
HILARY
I think we all know that you know
its not on a Sunday -
JACK
(looking at Hilarys diary)
Oh how I miss that pissy little
diary. Do you still write M
when its moustache dyeing week?
As Hilary instinctively touches her top lip.
JACK (CONTD)
(looking at a shocked
Ed, then mock
apologetic)
Oh. He didnt know.
Ed puts his arm protectively around Hilary. Jack suddenly

puts his arm around Nancy.
JACK (CONTD)
This is Nancy by the way.
(beat)
Nancy my girlfriend.
Nancy looks at Jack - WTF?
JACK (CONTD)
Nancy, this is Hilary. My soon to
be ex-wife. And Ed, the man she
left me for.
ED
Come on, Jack -
As the penny drops for Nancy -
JACK (CONTD)
(a bit manic)
So! Were in the same bar, with our
new partners, but were all adults,
right? Mature, wise, stable adults.
Lets have a drink together! Have
you got a table?
HILARY
Yes.
JACK
Is it our table?
HILARY
(taking Eds hand)
Not anymore.
JACK
Even better! Come on then! Lead the
way.
Hilary glares at Jack. Jack glares at Hilary. A small war has

been declared. Hilary breaks first, starting to move a
speechless, horrified Ed towards the tables.
ED
Whats happening -
HILARY
Just go with it -
JACK
(to Ed)
Yes! Go with it, Edward!
Jack, about to follow, is held back by Nancy -
NANCY
Oh my god you knew they were going
to be in here earlier! Thats why
you brought me here -
JACK
Actually, thats why I brought
Jessica here but I came to my
senses. Then because you left my
bag -
NANCY
You left your bag -
JACK
- we walked right back into it! And
then you came out of the toilets,
looking a bit -
(he mimes sexy)
- and I just thought -
As Nancy takes this in. Looking a bit sexy, huh?
JACK (CONTD)
(pointed)
- people have done worse things
in the world?
Nancy balks at this -
JACK (CONTD)
And youre excellent at pretending
to be women youre not.
Another beat as Nancy examines her nails, not engaging.
JACK (CONTD)
You owe me, Nancy.
Nancy looks up. She glances over at Hilary and Ed, sitting
together now, waiting for Jack to come over. She feels Jacks
pain.
NANCY
What exactly are you hoping to
achieve?
JACK
I believe they call it closure.
INT. NANCYS PARENTS HOUSE/HALLWAY - NIGHT
The party underway in the next room. An irritated Elaine, by

the bannisters, looking at her phone, as Adam enters -
ELAINE
(holding up her phone to
Adam)
I missed a call from her. This is
getting silly now, shes not even
going to make it for the speech!
What the fuck is she playing at?
ADAM
Er, what you always tell her to do?
ELAINE
Yeah, well, not the greatest night
to pick -
ADAM
- you know, being spontaneous -
ELAINE
Be spontaneous when theres nothing
else planned!
(off Adams look)
Dont you think its just a bit...
ADAM
Im going to wait and see whats
actually happened, before I pass
judgement -
ELAINE
Are you? Good for you -
ADAM
Jesus Elaine, has she ever done
anything like this before?
ELAINE
(off Adams look, sotto
voce)
Never.
ADAM
What was that?
ELAINE
(louder)
Never.
ADAM
(nudging Elaine)
Shes out there, somewhere, doing
you proud, meeting a man -
ELAINE
- a strange, man off the street.
ADAM
- having a lovely time, just like
when we first met -
ELAINE
We met in the safety of a pub.
ADAM
Oh, but what a romantic pub -
ELAINE
It was a Yatess Wine Lodge.
ADAM
Remember the first thing you ever
said to me?
ELAINE
Vodka and tonic please?
ADAM
And I said?
ELAINE
(cant help
smiling/softening)
Pint or a half?
They kiss.
ADAM
What is the worst case scenario?
ELAINE
We never see her again!
ADAM
- and the second worst case
scenario?
Adam smiles, and gently pushes Elaine back into the party.
Jack and Nancy, now sitting with Hilary and Ed. Awkward! As
Nancy watches Jack downing his beer.
HILARY
So, how long have you two been
seeing each other?
Jack starts to seductively but cack-handedly feed Nancy an

olive.
JACK
Oh not long -
Nancy realises there is a stone in it. And nowhere to put the

stone. She takes Jacks hand, spits the stone out into it.
NANCY
- not long at all.
ED
How did you meet?
Jack pops the olive stone into Nancys bag.
NANCY/JACK
At a party/Through work.
JACK
A work party.
NANCY
A party that worked!
HILARY
Are you in online marketing too?
JACK
(imitating her just for the
sake of it)
Are you in online marketing too?
Nancy is just about to answer, has no idea what to say, spots

a fire extinguisher in the corner of the room.
NANCY
No, Im a firewoman.
JACK
(what the fuck, Nancy?!)
There was a fire -
NANCY
- at his work party.
(beat)
And then in our pants!
Jack looks at Nancy. Seriously?
NANCY (CONTD)
(attempted polite
conversation)
So Hilary, what do you do for a
living?
HILARY
(like shes saving the
world)
(MORE)
HILARY (CONT'D)
Im an account manager for a
leading PR firm.
NANCY
Mind blowing! And you, Ed?
ED
(like he is also saving
the world)
Im a Merchant Banker.
JACK
Interesting fact, merchant banker
is cockney rhyming slang for
wanker.
HILARY
Oh for Christs sake Jack -
JACK
What? Im just saying -
HILARY
Its been a year!
ED
Its okay Hil, its not the first
time Ive heard that one.
NANCY
(laughing)
Ive never heard it before!
ED
(clearly is affected by it)
Im unaffected by it.
Jack mouths Merchant Wanker at him, does a wanker sign.

Nancy tries not to laugh -
JACK
And its been more than a year
Hilary. Its been -
(counting)
- three hundred and sixty eight
days! Not that Ive been crossing
them off my wall calendar of pain
and deceit!
(finishing off his beer)
I need a piss!
Jack gets up and walks off, sending the nibbles flying

everywhere.
JACK
(apologetic to the
waitress)
Shit, sorry -
Jack goes.
ED
(to Hilary, touching her
nose)
Dont worry, babycakes -
Nancy - to herself - babycakes?!
ED (CONTD)
- this was bound to happen sooner
or later.
HILARY
(to Nancy, condescending)
Youll find this with him. Hes a
very emotional man.
Ed puts a protective arm around Hilary. Nancy considers them,

then to the waitress -
NANCY
Were going to need some more
nibbles.
The waitress nods - no shit - and goes off. Nancy turns to

Hilary and Ed once more.
NANCY
So you two had an affair, right?
Hilary and Ed stiffen.
HILARY
We fell in love.
NANCY
But you had an affair?
ED
The marriage was over, anyway.
NANCY
But you had an affair?
Hilary and Ed are forced to nod.
NANCY
Yup, he sure is an emotional
man.
As the waiter brings some more nibbles to the table, Nancy

scoops them all towards herself, and starts eating them. Jack
comes back from the toilets. Hes calmed down.
JACK
(about to come clean)
Okay. Sorry about that. The truth
is, Hilary -
Nancy suddenly runs her finger seductively down Jacks arm.
NANCY
I missed you, Big Nuts.
Jack looks at Nancy - WTF? Nancy leans in and gives him a

seductive kiss on the neck. A pretty sexy one. Jack, mouth
open now - Nancy pops an olive from the nibbles tray in it,
gives him a wink.
NANCY
(to Hilary and Ed)
What rating are you two rabbits
on now?
HILARY
Rating?
NANCY
Sexually speaking? Were still in
porno land.
Jack spits his olive out. Nancy seamlessly catches it in

her hand.
HILARY
Porno land?
NANCY
(to Jack,
conspiratorially)
Shall I explain?
JACK
Please do!
With impressive aim, Nancy chucks the olive stone onto a

passing waiters tray.
NANCY
At first, when a woman starts
sleeping with a man, she acts
like a porn star right?
Hilary and Ed look blank -
NANCY (CONTD)
Like with me and Jack? Anything
goes.
(MORE)
NANCY (CONTD)
Maybe some Church of Lesbyterian,
some dinner beneath the bridge, a
little guided tour of site B, if
you know where that is...
(re Jack)
He does.
Jack, amused and baffled, is hanging on Nancys every word.

Ed and Hilary still look baffled.
NANCY
(to Jack)
Remember that time when you said we
should... and I said Im not going
to do that, and I was just
thinking, Im actually quite
scared, because I couldnt see. And
then you flipped it, and did that
thing, and suddenly I couldnt
stop, oh my god, I could not stop,
Jack -
Ed nearly chokes on his drink -
NANCY
- yes, Jack, dont stop Jack, do
what you do Jack, thank you Jack, I
love your work.
(immediately stopping,
reverting back to normal)
And you lot -
(she gestures to Jack and
Ed)
- are like wow, our sex life is
always going to be like this. Then,
about 6 months in, the ladies ease
it down to an 18 - contains some
adult material - then a 15 -
(to Hilary)
Maybe a quick 69, but only if weve
just had a bath? - and suddenly,
whoa, were a PG13, wearing tartan
pyjamas to bed, doing the goodnight
roll over before you can say
missionary position.
- aaaaaannnd Nancy is finished. Ed looks rather flustered,

Hilary totally miffed.
JACK
That, is a brilliant theory.
NANCY
(pleased with herself)
Thank you.
(remembering the point to
all this)
(MORE)
NANCY (CONT'D)
But I think with you baby, well
be in porno land for a lot longer
than usual.
JACK
(getting into it)
Ive got a theory too.
NANCY
Hit me.
JACK
If you get a girl back to yours,
and you tell her that you dont
want to have sex, that you want
to take it slow? Guaranteed
shell want to go down on you.
NANCY
(in awe)
The Blowjob Paradox.
JACK
Use it, dont abuse it.
Jack and Nancy clink glasses. But Hilary looks at Ed - he

clearly did that to her.
NANCY
I mean, if divorce papers were
honest, it wouldnt say
irreconcilable differences. It
would say just not enough blow
jobs.
Ed shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Hilary has had enough.

Its time to shut this down.
HILARY
(she knows this is going to
hurt)
Ooh, that reminds me Jack. Have
you signed everything yet?
JACK
Ooh, yes I have, Hilary! And
conveniently, I have them with me -
Jack swiftly reaches into his bag, angrily whacking the

divorce papers down on the table.
JACK (CONTD)
Although I did it with a pen -
stupid Jack! - because youd
probably prefer I signed them with
my blood!
Nancy, wanting to diffuse the situation -

NANCY
Hey Jack, its our song! Maybe we
should dance!
Jack looks at her - WTF - as she swiftly pulls him up,

dragging him onto the dancefloor, where the DJ is currently
playing Move Closer by Phyllis Nelson.
JACK
What are you doing?!
NANCY
Stopping you from making a twat of
yourself using the medium of dance.
Nancy puts her arms awkwardly around Jacks neck, who looks
at her, WTF?
NANCY (CONTD)
Im going to slow dance you into
submission. Its called school
disco therapy. You need to put
your arms around my waist for it to
work properly.
Jack goes with it, responds accordingly. They awkwardly dance

together, as Jack glances back at Hilary and Ed.
JACK
(annoyed with himself)
Im such a dick.
NANCY
Youre not a dick.
(beat, looking over at
Hilary and Ed)
You know its always better to be
the one whos dumped though, right?
You never have to regret anything
then. They made the decision. And
they have to live with that for the
rest of their lives.
JACK
Its not as simple as that.
NANCY
It will be. Just takes time. Your
hands are slipping down to my arse.
JACK
(embarrassed)
Sorry. Old habit.
(moving his hands back up)
Everybody knew they were at it.
But nobody told me.
NANCY
Okay, thats tough.
JACK
- but you know, I was kind of
traditional about the whole dont
sleep around when youre married
thing -
NANCY
Hands. Arse.
Jack moves his hands again.
NANCY (CONTD)
I bet you proposed on the top of a
Tuscan hill -
JACK
Kefalonian, actually -
NANCY
- and then you spent a year
planning your big day?
(Jack nods)
120 guests?
JACK
(he thinks)
130?
NANCY
And what, about twenty grand, all
in?
(Jack motions it was much
more)
Oh, and lets not forget the ring!
JACK
(remembering)
Four grand! But we had to get it re-
sized. She got very thin.
NANCY
You spent twenty four thousand
pounds on a party and some
jewellery!
JACK
Its a grand gesture! Whats the
point of life if youre not up for
stuff like that -
NANCY
A grand gesture that amounted to
nothing! Hands! Arse!
In the background, Daniel The Barman has relieved the DJ from

his post, and begun to spin The Reflex by Duran Duran.
Nancy and Jack both note the song playing, and clearly love
the song, but -
JACK
Youre such a fucking cynic!
NANCY
Er, realist?! And youre such a
fucking romantic!
JACK
Er, optimist!
In total unison as the song plays -
JACK NANCY
(double hand flash (double hand flash
movement at Nancy) movement at Jack)
- flex, flex, flex, flex, - flex, flex, flex, flex,
flex. flex.
The song continues, as does the argument, which is fast-paced

and frenetic -
NANCY
You put so much emphasis on one day
and forgot about whoops! - the rest
of your life -
JACK
Whats wrong with having a big
day?! That doesnt mean its all
going to go tits up! Look at your
parents! I bet they had a party,
and some guests and a Wishing Tree -
NANCY
6 guests, registry office, drinks
in the pub afterwards! They were
more concerned with the promises
they were making than how many
vegetarians there were -
JACK
Do you not think thats what I
wanted to! When you get married,
you make a promise you have no idea
if you can keep, but I intended to
at least try! And Ill never, ever
regret that. Which is more than you
can say, sitting up there on your
single perch, with all your
judgements -
They both cant help singing along and doing the same dance
mimes at each other to the next bit of the song -
JACK NANCY
So why dont you use it, try So why dont you use it, try
not to bruise it, buy time not to bruise it, buy time
dont lose it - dont lose it -
Small instrumental drum section, that Jack and Nancy cant

help dancing around each other to, and then the repeat of -
JACK NANCY
So why dont you use it, try So why dont you use it, try
not to bruise it, buy time not to bruise it, buy time
dont lose it - dont lose it -
NANCY
Theyre not judgements! Theyre
theories, its different -
And then the chorus of The Reflex, that both Jack and Nancy
now really start to dance to, unable to contain their love
for the song, but determined to carry on the debate. Its
basically a dance-fight-off.
JACK
You know what your problem is? You
stand around on the sidelines,
theorising on what does and
doesnt work, never experiencing it
for yourself, never taking any
chances -
NANCY
I think my actions today could be
considered quite chancey -
JACK
(dancing around Nancy)
- you need to man up Nancy! Yes, I
married that woman over there, and
yes she tore my heart out, but Im
still standing, still offering
myself up to the world! Who are you
to say that the girl I met under
the clock tonight - the girl I was
supposed to meet under the clock
tonight - wouldnt have ended up
being the love of my life?
Jack does one final dramatic dance move. Nancy, totally

chastened.
JACK
(getting a bit upset)
So why dont you just let me get on
with my sad single man crisis, and
you keep your cynical theories and
wisecracks to yourself!
An upset Jack storms off into the mens toilets, leaving a

shocked Nancy, alone on the dancefloor with The Reflex. She
looks around at everyone having a great time, forgetting
their worries, dancing away, and suddenly feels very bad. She
looks over to the Mens Toilets - The Hombres...
INT. MEXICAN CANTINA/THE TOILETS - NIGHT
Nancy pops her head into the HOMBRESS TOILETS. A row of

men standing up against the cisterns. The men all turn to
look at her, confused by her presence.
NANCY
Hola, Im new here.
Nancy starts to casually clean the very smeared mirror with

her sleeve. The men turn back to their cisterns.
NANCY (CONTD)
(cautiously entering)
Jack? Are you in here?
JACK (O.S.)
No!
She dips down, looking under the cubicles.
NANCY
Oh come on...
She sees Jacks shoes. She moves towards his cubicle -
JACK (O.S.)
Just go home. Im fine.
NANCY
Youre fine?
JACK (O.S.)
Absolutely fucking fine.
Nancy pushes open the cubicle door but -
Its not Jack. Its a RANDOM MAN taking a crap.
NANCY
Whoa! Sorry!
She dips down again, sees a pair of exactly the same shoes.
She tentatively pushes this cubicle door open to find -
Jack, who has clearly been crying.
NANCY (CONTD)
(mock disappointed)
Oh, I was hoping for the socks
and pants look.
Jack attempts a weak smile. Nancy slides into the cubicle

with Jack, closing the door. She crouches down on the
floor.
NANCY (CONTD)
This is cosy.
Jack pulls some toilet roll off the roll and blows his nose
loudly like a proper old man. As hes sitting on the
toilet, he has nowhere to put the dirty tissue. Nancy puts
her hand out, and he drops it into her palm.
NANCY (CONTD)
(earnest)
Sorry. Ive had a bad relationship
run over the last few years. Its
made me... not the most positive
person. I over-analyse, come up
with elaborate theories, make
monumentally bad decisions -
JACK
Ive just got to move on. Shes
out there, happy with someone
else, and Im still holding on.
NANCY
Okay, A) I wouldnt say happy.
And secondly, youre not holding
on to her, youre just holding on
to a feeling that will eventually
pass.
(she looks at Jacks sad
face)
And maybe I was wrong, maybe
dating 24-year-olds is exactly
what you need right now.
JACK
Youve changed your tune.
NANCY
(shrugs)
Unlike the older lady, they do
have less baggage.
Nancy throws Jacks dirty tissue between her two palms. Jack
watches her -
NANCY (CONTD)
I mean, I am way over my baggage
allowance! 4 years single. 4
fucking years!
(MORE)
NANCY (CONTD)
Prior to that, 6 years with
supposed love of my life, then he
ended it out of the blue, said he
wanted to go to China and find
himself, but somehow found
himself shacked up in Shepherds
Bush with a new girlfriend six
months later. Im over it though.
JACK
(wry)
You really sound it.
NANCY
Apart from one thing. One thing I
will never get over. He
deauthorised me from his iTunes.
JACK
That is unforgivable.
Nancy looks at Jack, who is smiling at her.
JACK
What do you really do for a
living?
NANCY
Journalist slash wannabe literary
polymath.
JACK
Figures. Youve got good theories.
NANCY
Oh so you like them now? Maybe
dont take them too seriously
though. Im not exactly the poster
child for the dating industry.
JACK
Well Im 40, divorced and crying in
a toilet.
NANCY
Youre just an emotional jigsaw
at the moment. Youll piece
yourself back together again.
(she squeezes his hand)
Just start with the corners. Look
for the blue bits.
Jack smiles, squeezes Nancys hand back.
JACK
And where do I find these blue
bits?
They lock eyes. Oh my god, are they going to kiss? Maybe?

Yes? Nearly -
TOILET MAN 1 (O.S.)

Took me 3 years to get over my
ex.
They look up to see TOILET MAN 1, looking down at them from

the next cubicle.
TOILET MAN 1
(to Jack and Nancy)
Jungian Therapy. Two hours, every
day, for six weeks.
Suddenly, another man pops up next to him -
TOILET MAN 2
(madness in his eyes)
I burnt her clothes. Twice.
Jack and Nancys moment is over.
INT. MEXICAN CANTINA - NIGHT
Hilary and Ed are at the bar, waiting to be served. They

are mid-argument.
ED
I just think its interesting -
HILARY
Interesting?
ED
(exasperated)
Im not saying her porn star
theory is correct!
HILARY
But you did blow job paradox me!
As a helpless Ed notices Nancy and Jack -
ED
(bizarrely relieved to
see them)
Where did you two get to, eh?
HILARY
(slightly hysterical)
Probably 69-ing in the toilets no
doubt!
As Jack and Nancy share a bemused look -

ED
(also a bit hysterical)
Whos up for a shot? Come on,
lets all do some shots!
Ed motions to Daniel, who comes over.
NANCY
Do you know what, I think Ive
had enough to drink.
JACK
Yeah, me too actually...
ED
(grateful for the
distraction from angry
Hilary)
Nonsense! This is a seminal
night! We need to mark it
somehow.
As Ed leans in to give Daniel his order -
HILARY
(to Jack)
You look like youve been crying.
JACK
I was actually crying -
NANCY
- with laughter! Have you ever
tried to do it in a cubicle that
small? Ooh, hang on, did I leave
my knickers in there?
Nancy deftly turns Jack away from Ed and Hilary, who

continue their argument. Behind then all, Daniel starts to
lay out the equipment to do flaming sambuca shots. Liquor,
shot glasses and one of those long clipper lighters. He
starts to fill up the shot glasses.
NANCY (CONTD)
(in cahoots with Jack)
She does not need to know the
real reason for your tears.
JACK
(sexy)
Did you want to leave your
knickers in there?
NANCY
Focus, Jack. Repeat after me.
After this shot, you will be
stronger, wiser, and finally
moving on.
JACK
After this shot I will be
stronger, wiser and finally
moving on.
Nancy grins. Behind them, Daniel starts to light the shot

glasses. But before he can get to the last two, Nancy picks
them up, not realising theyre meant to be alight.
NANCY
(to Jack)
Fuck the past!
Jack grins back -
JACK
Fuck the past!
- takes the shot swiftly and determinedly. Nancy sniffs

hers, nearly pukes, and decides to throw it over her
shoulder. It lands straight in Eds eyes.
ED
(clutching his face,
over dramatically)
Aaaargh! It burns! It burns!
Nancy and Jack turn around to see - Ed, flailing around,

unable to open his eyes. He leans forward on the bar, his
sleeve dipping into one of the flaming shots and WHOOSH!
His sleeve is now on fire.
HILARY
(panicked)
Do something!
Nancy doesnt realise Hilary is talking to her.
HILARY (CONTD)
Youre a firewoman, put the
fucking fire out!
NANCY
(remembering shes a
firewoman)
Right! Thats my job!
Nancy has no idea what to do. Daniel the barman hands Nancy
the fire extinguisher! A determined Nancy takes hold off it,
pulls down on the nozzle - whoa, that is tougher to control
than she thought - and her first attempt goes all over
Hilary. Jack is cracking up -
NANCY
(to Hilary)
Sorry! Standard safety testing
protocol!
Nancy resets, aims at Ed, blasting him with water. The fire
goes out -
NANCY (CONTD)
Woooo-hooo! Firewoman skills to pay
the fire woman bills!
Nancy is so clearly not a firewoman - she tries to turn off

the extinguisher -
NANCY (CONTD)
I cant turn it off!
She turns to Daniel, drenching him. She turns away from a

furious Daniel, drenching the dancefloor. She turns to Jack,
who is cracking up, and ducks down just in time. Daniel
wrestles with her, finally turning the goddamn thing off.
Everyone, apart from Nancy and Jack, are left drenched, smoky
and a total mess.
EXT. HUNGERFORD BRIDGE - NIGHT
Nancy and Jack, walking nay skipping across Hungerford

Bridge in a delighted fashion.
EXT. HUNGERFORD BRIDGE - CONTINUED
Nancy and Jack, on the bridge.
JACK
And I think thats closure!
NANCY
Thats the dictionary definition,
right there!
JACK
Denial, depression, acceptance -
NANCY
- fire!
They high five, sharing a victorious and lovely moment.
EXT. WATERLOO STEPS - NIGHT
Nancy and Jack walking along.
JACK
Whats next then?
NANCY
Whats the time?
JACK
10 oclock.
NANCY
Shit! I should really check in at
home.
Nancy gets her phone out, as does Jack. Their phones start
coming back to life -
INSERT: C/U on Nancys phone - we see she has a missed call

from Elaine and a message. She looks confidently up at
Jack, whose phone is coming back to life with much vigour -
a cacophony of messages, noises and alerts.
NANCY
So. I think Id better finally head
to my folks anniversary party, but,
and heres a crazy idea, I was
thinking maybe you would like to -
JACK
(distracted by his
phone)
Hold up a minute...
He carries on looking at his phone, slowing down his walk.

Nancy follows suit -
NANCY
(lightly but -)
- because, you know, it would be
nice to take someone along for a
change -
JACK
(totally distracted,
looking up from his
phone)
Huh? Sorry. Shes called. And
texted.
NANCY
Who has?
JACK
Jessica.
NANCY
(confused)
She has?
JACK
Said shed spoken to Tom, there had
obviously been some confusion, and
she still wants to meet up -
NANCY
But you stood her up? Looooooser.
JACK
Technically I didnt stand her up.
You did. Plus shes young,
remember? So not a total cynic like
you... us... yet -
NANCY
Of course! Your 24-year-old
obsession.
Jack slows down a bit -
JACK
Well you said I should keep it
simple -
NANCY
When?
JACK
In the toilets, about half an hour
ago!
(tentative)
So whats your theory on this one?
NANCY
(a bit thrown)
My theory?
JACK
What should I do? Boy meets girl...
(he pauses, tentatively)
- or boy doesnt meet girl?
Nancy looks at Jack. Oh my god, he is actually asking her

this. She takes a deep breath.
JACK
(lightly)
Come on, now you tell me what to
do, and then we argue about it, and
then -
Unbelievable. Nancy starts to speed up.
JACK (CONTD)
(giving chase)
Oi! Wait!
NANCY
(almost to herself)
What for -
JACK
All night, youve had opinions and
theories on everything, and now
suddenly youve got nothing to say?
NANCY
What do you want, Jack? My
permission?
JACK
No, I -
NANCY
Fine, go and meet Jessica! Boy
meets girl, thats what you want,
isnt it -
JACK
Well, yeah but -
NANCY
There you go then. What are you
waiting for?
They stand in silence for a moment. As Nancy looks up and

realises they are underneath the clock - the final nail in
her confidence coffin.
NANCY
(starting to root through
her bag, back to
business)
I presume youre meeting her
here?
Thrown, Jack looks up, noting the clock himself.
JACK
(a bit embarrassed)
Um, yes -
NANCY
(holding up 6 Billion
People and You)
You can give her this back then.
JACK
She bought another one.
NANCY
Of course she did.
JACK
I havent really read it.
NANCY
Maybe we should have.
A beat. They look at each other.
JACK
So... thats everything then?
NANCY
(it clearly isnt)
Yes.
(softly)
Sorry for derailing your date.
JACK
(softly)
Im glad you did.
(trying to be cool)
Otherwise Id have nothing to talk
about on this next one!
NANCY
It is a great anecdote. Im sure
Ill use it in the future myself.
A beat, as they both respectively take this in.
JACK
Well. Look. After. Yourself.
NANCY
Its what Im best at!
(beat)
Bye then!
Nancy puts her hand out to shake Jacks -
JACK
Bye then!
- but Jack leans in, kisses Nancys cheek. They have come
full circle - it is agony most exquisite. Nancy starts to
walk away -
JACK (CONTD)
Ill Facebook you -
NANCY
- Im not on Facebook!
As Nancy walks away -
JACK
(shouting out at her)
Idiot!
NANCY
(shouting back)
Idiot!
Jack watches Nancy go.

JACK
(to himself now)
Idiot.
NANCY
(also to herself)
Idiot.
She turns, to look at him, but the crowd suddenly engulfs him
- poof! And hes gone. Like he was never, ever there in the
first place.
INT. WATERLOO TRAIN STATION. PLATFORM 11 - NIGHT
Nancy is getting on her train. As she does, she hands her

copy of Six Billion People and You to a passing girl, who
takes it, confused. Nancy collapses into a seat, starts to
root around in her bag for her note-pad, pulls it out - but
of course, its actually Jacks note-pad. They forgot to
swap. Dammit. She opens it up to find a doodle Jack has done -
its of the clock at Waterloo Station, and a boy and girl
meeting underneath it. The speech bubbles say swoon and
hubba hubba. A totally gutted Nancy stares out of the
window as her train begins to leave the station -
EXT. QUEEN ELIZABETH HALL/SOUTH BANK - NIGHT
Jack is sitting outside Queen Elizabeth Hall, by the heaters,

with of course, the Girl on Train, AKA -
JESSICA
What kind of nutter pretends to be
someone elses blind date!
JACK
(trying to go along with
it)
I know!
JESSICA
(smugly)
Although it does prove what a
publishing sensation 6 Billion has
become. Anyway! Lets just pretend
it never happened and start again.
She raises her glass of wine to Jacks bottle of beer. They

clink. Jessica takes a small sip of wine. Jack takes a rather
long glug of his beer... and keeps glugging with a slightly
wild look in his eye. Jessica patiently waits for him to
finish. He finally does. Off her confused look:
JACK
Sorry. Very thirsty. Done a lot
of... walking today.
(resetting)
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D)
So! I hear you work in the city,
Jessica?
JESSICA
Correct! And I love it.
JACK
Lunch is for wimps!
Jessica doesnt get the reference.
JACK (CONTD)
Its from Wall Street.
(Jessica still doesnt
get it)
If you need a friend, get a
dog.
JESSICA
Ooh, is that the one with
Leonardo Di Caprio?
JACK
No.
An awkward pause, as Jessica continues to smile brightly at

Jack, who looks down at the packet of crisps, takes a
handful, starts to munch away -
JACK (CONTD)
Tom says youre a triathlete?
CUT TO:
INT. NANCYS PARENTS HOUSE - NIGHT
The house is a bit of a mess now, everyone is perhaps a

little worse for wear, all seated around the various ad hoc
tables, eating the food from the now uncovered long table -
big salads, a huge lasagne, tabbouleh, cheese, ham, french
bread etc...
Adam stands up, taps his wine glass -
ADAM
(a bit drunk now)
Attention -
(French accent)
Attention!
(Italian accent)
Attenzione!
(German accent, motioning
to Bert)
Achtung!
BERT
Yes, thank you Adam. Well, here we
are then. I was rather hoping our
youngest daughter Nancy would be
here to do the speech, but shes
been a little...
(at Elaine)
...delayed?
Elaine, standing in the corner of the room with a plate of

food, nods confidently.
BERT (CONTD)
- so it falls to myself to find
some suitable words... but I mean,
seriously, whats left for us to
say to each other after 40 years,
hey Fran?
Fran, seated on a nearby table -
FRAN
(heckling)
Take the fucking recycling out!
Everyone laughs. A tired and awkward Nancy sneaks into the

room -
BERT
Still as foul mouthed as the day I
met her. And still as beautiful -
Everyone aws.
BERT (CONTD)
And although I doubt very much we
have another 40 years ahead -
FRAN
I bloody hope not.
BERT
- or will ever agree that you can
park on double-yellow lines on a
Sunday...
ELAINE
(muttering to herself)
I think you can actually -
BERT
- or shell ever fully trust me
with the big weekly shop -
FRAN
Not a hope in hell, my darling -
BERT (CONTD)
...but heres to spending whatever
years weve got left, together.
Franny, I am an empty shell on the
beach without you.
ADAM
Oh thats good -
BERT
I am a laundry disaster waiting to
happen!
Fran softens - you big wally -
BERT (CONTD)
An old pear left to soften -
ELAINE
Okay Dad, I think thats enough
metaphors -
BERT
- in the fruit bowl -
(he clocks Nancy)
A ha! Darling! Youre here -
FRAN
(spinning around to see -)
Nancy!
Everyone turns, delighted to see Nancy.
NANCY
(bravely)
Hi everyone!
(ta-da!)
I remembered the chocolate mousse!
She holds up loads of chocolate mousse - and promptly bursts

into tears.
EXT. QUEEN ELIZABETH HALL/SOUTH BANK - NIGHT
Jack and Jessica are finishing up their first drink.
JACK
Yup, Ive got big home improvement
plans for this year. Going to do up
my flat, paint the hallway -
JESSICA
Oh yes, Tom said youre a bit of an
artiste?
JACK
Oh I dabble... who am I kidding.
JESSICA
(charging on regardless,
chuffed to find something
in common)
I got an A in Art A Level!
JACK
I cant remember what I got for my
A Levels.
(Jessica laughs)
I can really. Im not that old.
(a beat)
Two Bs and a C.
(another beat)
No, one B, two Cs.
(shit, he actually cant
remember)
I passed them all anyway.
JESSICA
(bit bewildered)
Well done.
(determined to be positive)
Anyway, Im so glad youre a fan of
6 Billion People and You as well.
And sorry I was late to meet you,
but actually the reason I had to
buy another copy was because I left
my copy for this woman on the
train. She so needed to read it.
As Jessica continues to talk, Jack suddenly perks up.
JESSICA (CONTD)
She was a very unhappy soul, one of
those lost hope, clock ticking kind
of women -
As Jack takes this in... Jessica suddenly whips out a girly,

multi-coloured notepad from her bag.
JESSICA (CONTD)
Anyway, lets do the lists!
JACK
(disorientated)
The lists? Oh right, yeah -
He reaches into his bag, and suddenly smiles. Yes, there it

is - Nancys notepad. As Jessica starts to efficiently
flick her notepad over.
JESSICA
I cant wait to see what your
favourite food is.
JACK
(strained)
Me neither!
Jack takes a massive gulp of beer, flips over Nancys

notepad - finds MUM AND DADS 40th WEDDING ANNIVERSARY
SPEECH. He looks up at Jessica, who is offering her note-
pad over to him -
JESSICA (CONTD)
Ready?
EXT. A WATERLOO STREET - NIGHT
An elated Jessica is trying to hail a cab, with a flustered

Jack by her side.
JACK
Im so sorry about this -
JESSICA
What are you talking about? Its
amazing! If I hadnt left her the
book, oh my god... its like the
most epic love story ever -
(so triumphant)
- and it means I was right, and she
was wrong!
(screaming)
Taxi!
A taxi screeches to a halt. Jessica swings open the door,

gets Jack in. As she goes to the drivers window -
JESSICA
(to Jack)
Where to?
As it suddenly dawns on Jack that he has no idea -
JACK
Shit. I have no idea.
JESSICA
Just call her -
JACK
I dont have her number.
(off Jessicas look)
I have your number.
As the Taxi Driver flicks the meter on, and Jack helplessly
realises this could be a hopeless mission -
JESSICA
Well, whats her name?
JACK
Nancy. Nancy Patterson.
JESSICA
Well just look her up on Facebook -
JACK
(ruefully, to himself)
Shes not on Facebook -
JESSICA
(as if someone wouldnt be
on Facebook)
Dont be ridiculous -
(getting her iPhone out)
Everyone is connected, youll have
some mutual friends or something -
As Jack realises something. He leans out of the window,

grabs Jessicas face, kisses her firmly on the cheek.
JACK
You bloody genius.
(as the taxi pulls away)
Keep up the triathleting!
INT. BLOOMSBURY BOWLING LANES - NIGHT
Its quiet at the bowling alley now, and Sean is bowling on

his own. He is wearing Jacks scarf around his neck. He
lovingly kisses the bowling ball he is holding, and is just
about to take a shot when -
JACK
(out of breath)
Sean.
SEAN
(hopeful)
Wheres Nancy?
JACK
(realising hes going to
have to play this one a
bit)
Sean, Seany Seany, Seanathon!
Thats what I was hoping you could
tell me -
Jack tries to take his scarf from Sean, but Sean is having
none of it. Jack backs away from the scarf, okay then -
JACK (CONTD)
Any chance you know where her
parents live? Shes at their house.
Its their 40th wedding
anniversary.
Sean, as he takes this in, moving the bowling ball between

his hands.
SEAN
I know the exact Google Map
coordinates.
Sean flings his bowling ball across three lanes.
EXT. A RUN DOWN OLD CAR - NIGHT
On the back, a bumper sticker that reads -
GRASS, CASH OR ASS - NO-ONE RIDES FOR FREE.
The car is burning some rubber through suburbia, the bright

lights of Central London behind it. Whose car could it be?
INT. SEANS CAR - NIGHT
It is of course, Seans car. And sat next to him is Jack,

holding on for dear life as Sean blatantly runs a red light.
As Sean dramatically swerves to dangerously over-take
someone.
JACK
(terrified)
I really dont mind getting the
train, Sean -
SEAN
So whats your plan?
JACK
My plan?
SEAN
To win her heart?
JACK
This isnt a power ballad -
SEAN
Well it should be. Grand, romantic
gestures Jack. Thats what its all
about.
(Jack smiles ruefully)
Declarations. Heart on the line.
Life changing kind of stuff. Thats
what I was going for in the toilets
earlier. Action. You know, more
than words.
As Sean takes a sharp left hand turn, using just his left
hand, Jack looks aghast, visibly blanching.
SEAN (CONTD)
Taught myself to drive with just my
left hand. Pretty useful, I can
tell you.
Jack is visibly appalled. Sean overtakes another car, putting

his foot down on the accelerator. Screeeeeeeeech -
INT. SEANS CAR - NIGHT
Sean takes an abrupt sharp left hand turn onto a quiet,

street lamp lit row of Victorian terrace houses. He brings
the car to a halt, looks around.
JACK
(relieved)
Are we here?
SEAN
(tapping the wheel)
Yup. Were here.
JACK
What number?
SEAN
(thinks, then with
conviction)
74.
Sean revs the engine.
SEAN (CONTD)
Go, go, go! Bon chance, my friend!
Jack gets out. Sean speeds off down the road. Jack looks at
the houses. Take a deep breath. Heads for number 74.
Nancy, still sobbing, surrounded by Elaine, Adam, Bert and

Fran. They are trying to work out what she is saying, but she
is practically indecipherable throughout this scene -
NANCY
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot! Why didnt I
just say dont go and meet her,
come to the party with me?. But as
if he was going to say yes! Because
why would he not go and meet her
and come to the party with me -
Nancy starts to bang her head against the wall -

ADAM
(putting his hand out block
Nancys head)
Go easy Nancy, its only a
partition wall -
BERT
(deciphering)
Something about a party?
FRAN
(to Nancy)
This party?
Nancy nods through her sobs -
NANCY
And you put a chair out for him and
everything -
ELAINE
- for the man on the phone?
ADAM
The strange man you were on a date
with!
Nancy nods again, still sobbing.
BERT
It didnt go well?
NANCY
Noooooo, it did, it did go well -
ELAINE
Hooray!
BERT
Hooray!
Nancy cries again. Adam looks drunk/perplexed.
ELAINE
Not hooray!
BERT
Boo? Boo!
ADAM
I am deeply confused.
He starts to bang his head on the wall, a la Nancy.
FRAN
Come on Nancy Pants, take a deep
breath -
BERT
- tell us what happened my lovely.
Nancy takes a deep breath, composes herself, opens her mouth

and... RRRRRRRIINNNNNGGGGG!
EXT. NUMBER 74 - SAME TIME
Jack rings the doorbell -
INT. NANCYS PARENTS HOUSE - SAME TIME
- Nancy and her family jump at the sound of it.
ADAM
(emphatic)
I will get that!
Adam opens the front door. We dont see who it is, but Nancy
does.
NANCY
(flummoxed)
What are you doing here?
EXT. NUMBER 74 - SAME TIME
JACK
(confused)
Is Nancy here?
ESSIE and SOPHIE, 15 going on 25, off their teenage faces on

something good -
SOPHIE
(excited)
Are you a stripper-gram?
ESSIE
Old Man Stripper Gram!
JACK
(panic)
What, no -
As Essie and Sophie pull Jack into the house - a house that
does not appear to be Nancys parents' house, and does not
feel like a 40th Wedding Anniversary Party. Instead, its a
total teenage free house party, and its in full swing.
Where we find Sean and a very baffled Nancy -

SEAN
(confident)
Nancy. I had to come and find you.
After what happened tonight -
NANCY
(disorientated)
How did you -
SEAN
I couldnt just leave it like that.
ELAINE
(penny drop)
Oh my god, Nancy is this -
Sean grins at all the family - yup, it is.
FRAN
Oh how marvellous!
ADAM
Weve got a chair for you!
BERT
(so relieved)
We bloody have you know!
NANCY
(exhausted)
No, wait, you dont understand -
But Nancy clocks the look of hope and relief in her familys
faces - her man has finally shown up - as they welcome Sean
into the house. Sean grins at her, slamming the door shut on
us. And we see that the house number is not 74, its number
47.
INT. HOUSE NUMBER 74 - NIGHT
Jack is now at the very the epicentre of the teenage party -

the kitchen. Shots being done at the breakfast bar, joints
being lit and one couple getting off with each other up
against the fridge, which one of the teenagers needs to get
into for more booze. Essie and Sophie have their arms around
Jack as they lead him through the carnage -
ESSIE
(shouting)
Everybody, this is Jack!
SOPHIE
And hes looking for - who are you
looking for again?
Jack scans the room.

JACK
Nancy?!
A group of teenagers are doing rainbow body shots. They all

look at him in unison.
JACK
This is definitely not a 40th
wedding anniversary party.
ESSIE
Nancy! Nancy, are you here, Nancy?
A random girl, who was just having her face snogged off,
stops being snogged -
RANDOM GIRL
Im Nancy!
Then another girl, who is leaning over the sink about to be

sick -
SICKY GIRL
Im Nancy!
And then a teenage boy -
TEENAGE BOY
Im Nancy!
And finally, a whole chorus of teenagers, Spartacus style.
TEENAGE CHORUS
Im Nancy!
Sicky Girl starts to be sick. Jack charges over, immediately

holding her hair back for her -
JACK
None of you are Nancy! Nancy
Patterson is 34, not 16 -
(he rubs Sick Girls back)
Thats it, get it all out -
(back to his mission)
- and shes got nice hair, and a
lovely face -
(back to Sicky Girl)
2 paracetamol and a pint of water
before bed. One leg in, one on the
floor.
SICKY GIRL
I love you.
HARRY, a blonde loved up god of a teenage boy -

HARRY
Wait, Nancy Patterson? She was my
old babysitter!
JACK
Can you take me to her?
HARRY
Yes I can!
Huge cheers, as the whole party follows Jack outside -
MUSIC UP - HERE I GO AGAIN by Whitesnake.
We go out into the street with Jack, Harry and the teenagers.
Harry points up the road. Jack starts running up the middle
of the road, the teenagers immediately following him.
Theyre a jogging/on a mission/take no prisoners sight to
behold. As Jack intently focuses on the mission ahead -
- Nancy, with a very large glass of wine and Sean - sitting

in the chair Bert got earlier - now at the party. Nancys
beaming family and friends look on. The only thing Nancy can
do is... attempt a pathetically sad smile back. Everyone
around her is happily chatting now, onto their puddings...
Sean looks like the cat whos got the cream - or rather, the
chocolate mousse. As he takes a spoon, and tries to start
feeding Nancy some -
- Jack and the teenagers, still running up the middle of the

road. They are a force to reckon with. Various bemused
reactions from people walking past, and a couple of
disapproving neighbours looking out of their windows. But
Jack is still focused, and the teenagers are loving every
minute of it.
- Sean, trying to force-feed a very depressed Nancy some

chocolate mousse. She is trying to keep her mouth shut, but
Sean is determined -
-Jack and the teenagers still running. Wider shots of them

running round corners and junctions. Their journey isn't
quite as linear as we first thought, and there is growing
confusion/frustration from Jack. He looks to Harry - wtf? -
and Harry starts to doubt he knows exactly where he's going.
Wide portrait shot of Jack leading the teenagers through

frame at a T-junction. They exit frame and then run back,
around the junction towards camera. Jack glares at Harry.
This boy really isn't helping.
- back to Nancy, and Sean is still trying to get his

chocolate mousse spoon into her mouth. Sean discards the
spoon suddenly - Nancy looks at him, fearful of his next
move, as we hard cut back to -
- Jack and his teenagers, all gathered around an iPhone in

the middle of a crossroads - Jack is very frustrated with his
teenage charges.Very blank confused looks from them all.
Jack - you have no idea where we are, do you?. Errr no -
they have no idea where the house is or where we are now!
Sicky girl throws up in the background. (She shouldn't have
come, really).
Jack looks around in desperation. He turns and starts

sprinting, the teenagers following - they wont desert him!
- jump cut out to an ever widening top shot to see the whole
of a suburban grid of roads and houses, and Jack and his
hapless group snaking up a road. Their task looks truly
helpless...
- Nancy and Sean, the chocolate mousse action has really

ramped up now, and Sean is now using his finger. The guests
have started to notice. Hard cut back to -
- Jack, running down a narrow alley between houses, teenagers

still behind, trying to keep up. Jack is desperate - trying
to look over tops of walls, fences - Where is this house! -
he reaches the end of the alley - desperately looking around -
he suddenly spots Sean's car in distance.
His confusion doesnt take long to turn to fury, as he

realises Sean has tricked him - and that the house where his
car is parked is Nancy's parents' house.
As Jack dashes the final 100 yards towards the car, and more
importantly Nancy's parents house, with the teenagers
scrambling to keep up with him.
- Sean has succeeded in getting his finger into Nancys

mouth(!) and has smeared chocolate mousse all over it. She is
just letting him do it now, staring into space. The sound of
Bert, clinking his glass -
BERT
Ladies and gentlemen, your
attention please?
Everyone quietens down as. Bert moves to stand next to Fran,

who is sitting down - he tops up her wine glass in readiness
for the toast - and they both look at Nancy expectantly.
Nancy - oh my god, shit, yes - she wipes the chocolate mousse
from her mouth. Attempts to reset. Elaine sits up, excited.
Nancy rises slowly from her chair.
NANCY
I just wanted to say, um, a few
words.
(MORE)
NANCY (CONT'D)
I actually had prepared something,
but then I lost it - long story -
actually, fuck it, Im going to
condense it for you, because its
the reason I was late, thus the
reason this speech is going to be
so lame. Right. I met a man today -
SEAN
(smiling, waving)
Hello!
NANCY (CONTD)
Not this man.
Everyone is confused -
NANCY (CONTD)
I was standing underneath the clock
at Waterloo, this afternoon, when a
man called Jack mistook me for his
blind date. And instead of saying
youve got the wrong girl, like a
normal person, for some reason I
decided it would be a good idea to
pretend I was his date.
Elaine - sharp intake of breath - oh my god Nancy you didnt!

Nancy - yes I did.
NANCY (CONTD)
So we went out, and for the first
time in ages I put myself out
there, I took a chance, I even got
stronger thighs -
Everyone is a bit confused now. But Elaine smiles.
NANCY (CONTD)
- but then Jack found out I wasnt
who I said I was - a 24 year old
triathlete! - so he went off to
meet his real blind date, blah blah
blah, the end...
(everyone is sad)
Dont be sad! Im not sad! I mean,
I am sad, but Im also quite proud
of myself. Because I tried. I did
open myself up to stuff, and yeah,
it didnt quite work out, but at
least I got a hint of what could be
out there for me -
(she turns to her parents)
(MORE)
NANCY (CONTD)
- a fun, loving, interesting,
crazy, contradictory, long and
happy life with someone, something
these two have had ever since they
first laid eyes on each other 40
years ago -
(feeling a bit emotional)
- and I admire them so much for
that, and I love them even more for
all the support theyve given me,
and Elaine -
Elaine on the verge of tears, Adam putting his arm around

her.
NANCY
(also on the verge of
tears)
So please join me in toasting them
tonight, and wishing them a very
happy anniversary! To Mum and Dad!
To Bert and Fran!
Everyone toasts.
SEAN
(standing up, the loudest)
To Bert and Fran!
Nancys family walk across the room to each other -
BERT
Well, I liked that speech, I liked
it a lot.
(gently)
Much better than last years.
Nancy smiles at her Dad, emotional.
FRAN
And you just keep on going my girl,
youll get there in the end, we
never, ever doubt that -
ELAINE
Stronger thighs. Im so proud of
you.
Sean stands up and puts his arm casually around Nancy -
ADAM
(chin up Nancy, his loss)
And where is this Jack now
anyway, hey?
As Nancy looks out to see -

NANCY
Oh, hes at the window.
Everyone immediately turns to see -
Jack, like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate, at the window -
JACK
Naaaaaaaaaancy!
- and also all of the teenagers, who join in -
TEENAGERS
Naaaaaaaaaancy!
Nancy cant believe it, shrugging Sean off her shoulder, as

Jack opens the window and climbs in -
JACK
(like this is all totally
normal)
Hello!
(to the teenagers)
Wait there.
(to Nancy)
Nancy, I thought you might want
your speech?
NANCY
(confused)
Its too late now -
JACK
(firm)
Do you want your speech, Nancy?
NANCY
(tentative)
Yes?
JACK
Well shut up and let me give it to
you then!
Nancy shuts up. Her family look at her - WTF?
NANCY
(mouthing to them)
This is Jack.
Jack chucks his bag on the floor. He clears his throat.
JACK
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and
girls, friends and Nancys family
who I have never met before in my
life. I met a girl today. The wrong
girl.
(MORE)
JACK (CONT'D)
Except she turned out to be the
right girl. And this girl, who took
a chance on me, in the most bizarre
and romantic way possible, wanted
me to take a chance on her too. But
I didnt. I blew it, like the 40-
year-old mid life crisis dickhead I
am. Which is why I have sought
help from old beaus -
(he looks over at Sean)
- admittedly not the most reliable
source, but still -
Sean holds up his hands - alls fair in love and war.
JACK
- and ended up at a teenage house
party instead! But I commandeered
those crazy, drunken youths and
together we went on a journey,
through the mean streets of
suburban London, because nothing
was going to stop me from finding
this girl again, and telling her
what I should have just told her
earlier...
(deep breath)
Nancy. I am so bloody glad you
pretended to be my blind date
today. Because if you hadnt, then
I never would have heard all your
amazing sex theories, or watch you
try to get jalapeno out of your
teeth, or witnessed your
instinctive firewoman skills, your
tactical vomit. I would never have
got to know your muddy beautiful,
Triathlete face, hear your
surprisingly dirty laugh, or watch
your awesome, competitive arse when
youre about to get another strike.
If you hadnt pretended to be my
date under the clock Nancy
Patterson, then my day would have
been utterly rubbish...
(deep breath)
- and so would the rest of my life.
Everyone aws - Jack silences them, not yet!
JACK (CONTD)
(to Nancy)
You said to me earlier that I was
an emotional jigsaw. And that I
should look for the blue bits.
Well. I think you might be the blue
bits. So what do you reckon Nancy?
Quid pro quo?
The whole party, and all the teenagers outside, are

enraptured, willing this to happen. Nancy, grinning from
ear to ear now, but suddenly trying to be all solemn -
NANCY
But what does it say in Six Billion
People and You?
Nancy holds up her glass. Jack swipes Berts glass from

him. He knows whats coming -
NANCY JACK
Fuck the past! Fuck the past!
Everybody else raises their glasses.
EVERYBODY
Fuck the past!
Nancy walks around the table towards Jack. Jack takes

Nancys face in his hands. Seans face suddenly appears
alongside them. Jack shoves Sean away, taking his scarf
back. Jack and Nancy start to kiss. Everyone cheers. The
party is back on.
NANCY
Hands. Arse.
JACK
My hands arent on your arse.
NANCY
(but they should be?)
I know.
Jack does as hes told. They grin at each other, kissing

again, as Nancy leads Jack out of the room, grinning at her
family, who are cracking open a bottle of champagne. - away
from our dancing 40th anniversary party crew, and our
slightly crazy teenagers now all dancing on the front lawn,
and we go into -
INT. NANCYS PARENTS' HOUSE/BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
- where Jack and Nancy are properly getting it on -
NANCY
To confirm, this is my favourite
bathroom experience of the evening -
JACK
(wrapping his scarf around
Nancys neck)
Maybe Ill just keep just my socks
and pants on -
NANCY
Always a strong look on a man.
JACK
Now, is there anything I need to
know before we begin? Any theories
on kissing, or the first time, dos
and donts in the bedroom/bathroom -
NANCY
Idiot.
JACK
Idiot.
Things start to heat up, and we move out of the hot and
steamy bathroom, into the corridor, where Sean has his ear
pressed to the door, straining to hear what is going on in
there. He is finally rewarded as he overhears -
NANCY (O.S.)
Sweet baby Jesus.
Sean, triumphant and grinning from ear to ear to have heard

this, sniffing the scarf he thinks is Nancys. The camera
tracks through the house now, along the hallway and into the
main party scene, where we see happy vignettes of everyone
dancing, celebrating, having fun: Elaine and Adam, Bert and
Fran, all our crazy teenagers.
The camera backs away through all the guests, wiping into a
crane shot that pulls through the open window Jack has just
climbed through. And now were outside the house, pulling
away all the time, as we pull up and away into the night sky,
because guess what? Yes, its...
THE END.

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MAN UP

Big Talk Pictures

(c) 2013 Big Talk Pictures Limited. All Rights Reserved.

EXT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL - NIGHT

The vague sound of Hawaiian music coming from inside. A man

INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL - NIGHT

C/U on DOM and KATIE, mid-30s, landing a big kiss on each

We move through the party, past loved up couples, hopeful

INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL/LIFTS - NIGHT

Ping! Doors opening. The lift doors open to reveal the

INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL/ROOM - NIGHT

... as the camera travels through the hotel bedroom door,

NANCY PATTERSON, 34, the heroine of our movie, taking a mini

Nancy nervously fidgets with her small purse, putting in a

She stops, relaxes, clears her throats, smiles a brilliant

The aaaaaaa turns into her singing a harmony of hs. Nancy

She nearly chokes on her mint -

She spits it out in her hand. Chucks it in the bin. She

She zips up her purse.

She picks up a lei and puts it around her neck.

Nancy disappears from view. We hold for a beat on the empty

We hold on the same empty frame, looking out of the bathroom

TITLE ON SCREEN: MAN UP

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

Nancy, now slumped on the double bed, wearing tracksuit

On the hotel television screen, Silence of The Lambs plays.

Nancy takes another sip of her wine, and starts to quote

There is suddenly a loud knock at the door. Nancy jumps.

She opens it to reveal ROOM SERVICE BOY, with his trolley.

ROOM SERVICE BOY

Room Service Boy reveals Nancys food - a huge, double decker

Room Service Boy smiles, politely. Nancy stuffs a chip in her

ROOM SERVICE BOY

Nancy lifts up her burger bun, takes a massive bite. Her

EXT. LONDON STREET - NIGHT

ELAINE, Nancys older sister, confused by Nancys pick up.

Andy hands Nancy a pen for a signature.

Andys job is done, and he starts to go.

ROOM SERVICE BOY

Back with Elaine:

Back with Room Service Boy:

ROOM SERVICE BOY

Nancy watches Room Service Boy go over to her dress -

Back with Nancy:

ROOM SERVICE BOY

Nancy leans on Room Service Boy for her lament -

Room Service Boy, scared for his life, legs it.

Nancy flops down on the bed.

Back with Elaine and Adam:

Nancy flips open to a page that used to say MANTRAS, but

HARD CUT TO:

INT. COUNTRYSIDE HOTEL/LOBBY - NIGHT

- the lift is coming down from the floors above - PING! -

A HOTEL GUEST enters the lift just as shes squatting.

Doors closing - Nancy is either in or out... she looks at

Dom drapes Nancy in a lei, grabbing a Mojito from a passing

As KATIE, Doms 34-year-old, slightly manic wife to be,

Katie tries to pull Nancy away -

A very awkward beat as Nancy realises that it was Katie who