We Icome to

Your Gender

Workbook

From the moment we take OUT first breath (and sometimes even before
that, what with sonic imaging technology), the cry [ts a boy** or it-s a
girl ushers us into this world. As we grow into adulthood, everything
about US grows and matures as we grow and mature. Evemhing except
gender, that is. Were supposed to believe that our gender stays exactly the
same as the day we were born. Our genders never shift, weSre told. The
genders were assigned at birth lock us onto a course through which we~l
be expected to become whole, well-rounded, creative, loving people-but
only as men or as womC% F~OIII where I stand, thats like taking a field of
racehorses, hobbling the front legs of half of them and the rear legs oftbe
other half, and expecting them to run a decent race: it doesnt work. ~~~~
deL this thing were all seemingly born with, is a major restraint to selfexpression.
That doesnt make mm to me. Why should we be born with such a
hobble? Does that make sense to you? Well, this is a workbook about ques.
tioning things Iike that. so lets get right to work and start questioning
things, shall we?

hovering Your GenderAptitude

Would You like to know more about your own gender and how its been
affecting your life? Just h OW freewheeling and open are you when it
comes to the subjects of gender and sexuality? Do you have much flexi.
bility when it comes to grasping the mechanics of changing genders? ~~~
about the People who are questioning their own genders these days? *re
they a little crazy for doing that? H eres a series of questions that will give

Idi GeniTerNarkbook
you a good idea of exactly where you stand when it comes to gender.
This isnt a quiz or an exam to see how good you are at this. There are
no right or wrong answers. Just take your time and check off the answers
that most near/y match the way you feel about each question. When youre
done, youll know your GA-your Gender Aptitude-and from there, well
go on a little journey together through previously unexplored and underexplored arras of gender, identity, sexuality, and power. Now, doesnt that
sound exciting? I should think so! All right, lets begin.

YourGenderAptitude,SectionI:Assumptions
Which of the following most accurately describes you?

_ C. Im not a real man or a real woman, but Id like to be.

_ D. None of the above. Im something else entirely.
Give yourself 5 points if yuu checked A, 3 points if your checked
fnr C, and no points for L).

o So...AreYou

9, 1 point

a RealMan?ARealWoman!
At first glance, that seems to be a simple pair of
questions. Most people when asked those questions
would smile and say, Of course Im a real man. or
Of course Im a real woman. Its not something
most of us question. The difficult part comes when
were asked to remember the times weve been
made to feel were not quite as manly or as womanly as we could be or should be. Maybe it was the
day we found ourselves deeply afraid or weeping
uncontrollably, and we (or somom else) questioned how much of a man we really are. Maybe
weve not been able to get pregnant, or maybe we
havent wanted to, and WC (or someone else) qucstioned how much of a woman we really are. There
are so many qualifications for those categories,
arent there? We make jokes like Real men dont

NeTcome toY&r Gad& Workhaok

eat quiche, or admonitions like A real woman would be mamed by now.
Not that anyone has ever written all these qualifications down, mind you.
People have tried, but theres been too much disagreement about what
constitutes a real man, and what constitutes a real woman for there to
be one acceptable document containing the absolute definitions of either
of those categories of identity. So by trial and error we learn the reality of
our real manhood and real womanhood. We build our own definitions for
these, and were very pleased to know people who agree with our definitions. When enough people agree with us, we begin to assume its natural.
Well, heres a question: If gender is so natural, then why hasnt it been
written down and codified? Most everything else thats considered natural has been codified. Why isnt there some agreed-upon manual we could
hand our children and say, Here, honey. This is what a real man is. Learn
this well. Why do we mystify these categories to such a degree that we
assume everyone knows what real men and real women are?
Lets keep looking at your Gender Aptitude when it comes to the subject
of these categories called real men and real women.

o YourGenderAptitude,SectionII:Perceptions

1. Do you stand up to pee?

A. Yup, most of the time.
B. No, never.
C. Well, Ive tried it a few lies
D. It all depends on the effect I
want to crcste.
2 . Have you euer worn the
clothes of the opposite
St?.%?
A. Hey, give mn a break. No
way!
B. Yes, but when I wear thorn,
theyre for the right sex.
C. What sex in the world would
be opposite of me?
D. Several of the above.
3. Do you sham?
A. Yup. Except when Im

growing my beard or
mustache.
B. Depends. I go back and forth
on the hairy armpit thing.
C. Where?
D. Yes, but not myself.
4 . When you go into a
department store to buy
yourself clothing, do you
shop mostly in a
department labeledfor
your assigned gender?
A. Well, duh! Where else?
B. No, because sometimes the
other departments have stuff
that fits me better.
C. Yes, because its very
important to me to do that.

I). I will shop in any

department for anything
thats fabulous.

5. Are there things you can do

in the world because of
your gender that others
cant do because of theirs?
A. Yes, but thats just the way
the world is.
B. Yeah, but they get paid well
for doing what they can do.
C. I used to think so.
D. Honey, Ive never let a little
thing like gender get in my
WELY.
6. Are there things you cant

do in the world because of

your gender that others
CClll?

A. No. Well, maybe I cant have

a baby, but who wants to?
Ha ha ha!
B. Well, duh. Of course!
C. I used to think it was
because of my gender, yeah.
I). Maybe a long time ago, back
before I met the Scarecrow,
the Tin Man, and the I.ion.

7. When the store clerk asZcs,

ZZow can Z help you, sir,
YOU
A. Smile.

B. Wince.

c. Curse.
D. Curtsy.
8 . When the store clerk looks

up at you inquiringly and

says, Yes, maam? you
A. Wish youd grown that
mustache after all.
B. Smile.
c. Purr.
D. Brightly exclaim, Gee Im
sorry. would you like to
try for Door Number
Three?
9. Basic black looks best. .
A. On my new BMW.
B. With pearls.
C. With anything.
D. Well, dip me in honey and
throw me to the Goth chicks.
10. ZZaue you read the book
Gender Outlaw by Kate

Bornstein?
A. Nope. Is it a Western?
B. Id say what I really think
about that book, but Im
norvow aboul how that
might effect my aptitude

score.
C. Yes, and I loved it!
D. I couldve written it better

Give yourself 5 points if you checked A, 3 points if your chcckrd B, 1 point

lur C, and no points for D.

o TheElusive RealMe'
Im thinking we live in the latter days of what might as well be called the
Age of Identity. The part of ourselves wc show to others might be called
an identity. Ideally, our identities are an accurate reflection ofwho we feel
we are. Some people give this identity a name; they call it The Real Me.
There are books, television shows, college-level courses, tapes, videos,
focus groups, cults, all promising that we can learn to be an identity called
the real me. Why, Im wondering, would we need to learn to be that,
unless there was so much pressure coming from the rest of the world, making us not be the real me. There are obviously enough people in the
world who think theyre not being the real me to keep all these other
people in business trying to teach them. People who recover from alcoholism become the real me. Lesbians, gays, and bisexual people coming
out of the closet and embracing their desires become the real me. Men
who learn to cry discover another kind of real me. People born-again
into anything from fundamentalism to feminism claim to have discovered
the real me. More to the point, some transsexual people believe when
theyve gone from one gender to another that theyve arrived at the real
me. Well, what is that identity? And whats the real me got to do with
being a real man or a real woman? And most importantly, does your
gender (identity) match up with who you feel yourselfto be? Do you think
your gender is an accurate reflection of everything you are? Everything
you could possibly be? Does your gender match up with the real you? Lets
see.

@ YourGenderAptitude,Section
1 . Has someone else euer
accused you of being not
really a maI& or not really
a woman?

C . No, but Ive felt that myself,

Yes, and Ive had to agree
. Youre in the middle of the
sidewalk, in broad daylight.

lklntegrity
Your louer leans omr and
kisses you hard and long on
the mouth. Do you
A. Kiss back and lose yourself
in the moment?
B. Start to panic ahout who
might be watching and what
might happen to you?
C . Thank heaven for Max
Factor more-or-less
permanent lipstick?

D. Offer to sell tickets to

gawking passers-by?
3 . Has it euer happened that
youue been in a group of
people who are similarly
gendered to you, and you
find yourself behaving in a
way thats gender
inappropriate?
A. No.
B. No, Im very careful aboul
that.
c. Yes.
D. Yes, il happens all the time.
4. You receive an invitation to
a concert. The top of the
invitation reads, All
Genders Welcome. Do
YOU...
A. Wonder why they phrased it
like that.
B. Get nervous aboul who or
what might show up.
C. Feel defensive.
D. Feel included.
5. Have you ever been
mistaken for being a
member of a gender other
than that which you think
youre presenting?
A. No.
B. Yes.
C. Yes. but not as frequently as
before.
I). I intentionally try to confuse
people.
6. Have you eoer agonized
W your appearance to
the point of canceling a
social obligation because

you feel you dont look

right or wontfit in?
A. No.
B. Yes, Ive agonized, but I
havent canceled.
C . It doesnt have to be some
social obligalion; sometimea
its just easier not to leave
the house.
D. Yes.
7 . Have you euer been
discriminated against.
harassed, or attacked
because of your gender
presentation
A. No.
B. No, Ive been careful.
C. Yes, and it happens to
women every hour of the
day.
D. Yes.
8. Is acceptance by or
membership in some meni P
or womens organization
important to you?
A. Not really.
B. Yes.
C . Yes, but I dont hold 1
much hope for that.
D. No, were starting our own.
9. Which of the following mo, St
nearly matches your
definition for the word
transgender?
A. Its smo disorder that
results in men cutting off
their penises.
H. Being born in the wrong
body, or having the wrong
sex for your gender.

C . Changing from one gender to

another, or just looking like
youve done that.
D. Transgressing gender,
breaking the rules of gander
in any way at all.
10. Which of these phrases
describes you most
accurately when it comes to
rules about personal
behavior and identity?

A. I pretty much make up the

rules to suit my needs, and I
follow those rules as long as

Im getting something out of

it.
H. I think many social and
cultural rules governing
individual behavior and
identity are necnssary.
C . Im trying to figure out
which rules to follow and
which rules to ignore.
D. Rules? Honey, tho Identity
Police have arrested me so
many times, Ive got a cell
with my name on it.

each A answer, 3 points fir every B, 1 point for a

C. and no points for any II answers.

Give yourseli 5 points for

Write your SCOR Soor this section here. El

0 Why It's Me WhoGetstoAskTheseQuestions

I dont know who discovered water, but Im pretty sure it wasnt a fish
-!msted on lhe Internet

rhis is a book about gender, because gender is what I know inside and out.
Its what Ive been questioning and researching all my life because that
seems to be the journey I was given to make this time around. Im whats
called a transsexual person. That means 1 was assigned one gender at birth,
and I now live my life as something else. I was born male and raised as a
boy. I went through both boyhood and adult manhood, went through a
gender change, and became a woman. A few years later, 1 stopped being
a woman and settled into being neither. I wrote a book about gender-asneither, and I travelled with several plays and performance pieces about
gender-as-neither. On the personal side of things, my lesbian lover of over
three years decided to become a man. We lived together for a few more
years as a heterosexual couple, then we stopped being lovers, He found his
gay male side, and I found my slave grrrl side. What a whacky world, huh?
I cant think of a day in my life when I havent thought about gender. I
think what Ive found is a pretty interesting hole in the theory that theres
actually such a thing as a real man or a real woman. And thats what this
workbooks about and why I got to write it.

But enough about me, lets get back to you

0 AndjustWhoDoYouThinkYouAre,Anyway?
Youre not the same person you were ten minutes ago.
None of us is.
Each of us makes dozens if not hundreds of minor decisions in the space
of ten minutes. And unless were truly hermits, each of us is subject to
influences by and connections with the world around us that change the
cwxse of our lives. No, theyre not dramatic changes, but they are changes
nonetheless.
Maybe someone smiled at you on the street this morning and made you
feel good. Maybe you heard something on the news just now that made
you wonder how much say you have in our government. Perhaps it was a
phone call from a long-lost friend. It could have been a bit of email, or
some passage or question in this book, or a piece of poetry, or just a bird
landing on your windowsill that made you change your mind about the
state of your life. Interactions of most every type have a tendency to
change us; thats what growth is all about. Were so used to these minichanges that we give them no thought, but the fact is were not the same
people we used to be.
Ive gone through some pretty dramatic changes. Ive changed my gender. several times in
fact. But I think the question weshould be asking ourselves is: Whyis thotso dramatic?
Im notsaying its not dramatic. I think it ;s. Im just asking what is it that the culture
toughtme to mokeme think thhotchonginggenderisdromotic?

We change our attitudes, our careers, our relationships. Even our age
changes minute by minute. We change our politics, our moods, and our
sexual preferences. We change our outlook, we change our minds, we
change our sympathies. Yet when someone changes hir gender, we put hir
on some television talk show. Well, heres what I think: I think we all of us
do change our genders. All the time. Maybe its not as dramatic as some
tabloid headline screaming She Was A He! But we do, each of us, change
our genders. In response to each interaction we have with a new or different person, we subtly shift the kind of man or woman, boy or girl, or whatever gender were being at the moment. Were usually not the same kind of
man or woman with our lover as we are with our boss or a parent. When
were introduced for the first time to someone we find attractive, we shift

into being a different kind of man or woman than we are with I childhood friends. We all change our genders. Im just saying its time we knew
exactly what we are doing and why. So, lets get on with the next section
of our Gender Aptitude questionnaire and see just how flexible your gender might be. Hang on, were going to dig a bit deeper now.

@I Your GenderAptitude,SectionIV:Flexibifity
of person to
whom you are normally
attracted begins to flirt
heavily with you, you
Envision the great sex youre
going to have later tonight.
Try to get to know this
person a bit better.
Panic because its been so
long and you wonder if you
know how to do it right any
more.
Flirl right back, matching
mow for low?.
When the kind of person
that normally turns you on
begins toflirt heavily with
you, you
Hit the person.
Leave.
Tell them, Honey, you flirt
with this hand.
See if theres anything about
it you can enjoy as long as
its only flirting.
When was the last time you
were aware of something
about your gender that was
holding you back in the
world?

1 . When the kind

A.
B.
C.

D.
2.

A.
B.
C.
D.

3.

A. I cant recall a time like that,

B. Do you want that in minutes
or seconds?
C . Do you moan the times I did
something about it, or the
times it overwhelmed me?
D . It was just before I changed
my gender the last time.
4. How many genders do you
real1.y think there are?
A. Two.
B. Well, there are two soxas. IS
that what you mean?
C . Im going to guess there arc
lots of genders and two
sexes.
D. When do you want me to
stop counting?
5 . Do you feel its possible for
someone to change hir
gender?
A. No. And what does hi?
mean, Flake-o?
B. I think people can try, but
no. Not really, no.
C. Yes, with proper supervision,
surgery, and hormones. 1
think so.
D. How many times?
6 . What do you believe the

10

M y Gender Workbook
essential sign of gender to
he?
A. Thnpres~ncnorabsenceofa
penis.
H. A combination of genitalia,
secondary sex
charactcrislics, hormones,
and ehromosomcs.
C . Its an cncrgy lhing. People
have male or fomalc cncrgy.
D. Whateuer.
7. .!fsomeone tells you theyre
neither a man nor a
woman. and youjind out
they mean it, you think to
y0ur.%?lf
A. This person is either kidding
or is really, really sick.
B. The poor, brave dear!
C. Whoa! What a trip!
D. I found anolher one at last!
8. Ifyou meet someone who
you think is one gender, but
youfind out they used to be
another-gender, you think
to yourself
A. Is this some costume party?
B. The poor, brave dear!

C. Wow. and I didnt own

IGlOW!
D. Yeah, yeah. But can you do D
good Elvis?
9. If you see someone on the
street whose gender is
unclear to you, do you
A . Dismiss that person as a
freak?
B . Try lo figure out if its a man
or a woman?
C. Mentally give thorn a
makeover so they can pass
better as one or the other?
D. Notice theyre staring at you,
trying to figure out what you
are?
10. Is the male/female
dichotomy something
natural?
A. Well, duh. Of course.
H. Its probably a combination
of nature and nurture.
C. Probably, bul there are a lo1
of exceptions walking
around!
D. Theres a male/female
dichotomy? On what planet?

tiive yourself 5 points for each A answer, 3 points for wery B, 1 point for il
C. and no points for any D answers.
Write your scorn for this srction here.

0 AWordabout Comfort
1 want to say this pretty early on in the book: some of this exploration of
gender might make you uncomfortable. Thats what I heard from early
readers. Im sorry. I really am. Its an uncomfortable subject, 1 know. Ive
tried to be as compassionate as I can be about the discomfort this book is
going to cause some people, but as hard as 1 try to make you comfortable,

the real comforting is going to have to come from inside yourself. Its
taken me a long time to learn that one.
I had very little compassion for the part of myself that couldnt live up
to being either a real man or a real woman, and also little reason to be
willing to be compassionate with myself. When I finally started to come to
grips with this gender stuff of mine, I ran into the odd position of discovering people who were much more willing than 1 to simply let mc experience my gender quandaly.
A Catholic priest taught me the value of compassion for myself. 1 was in
Alcoholics Anonymous at the time, still a guy and still afraid of dealing
with my transgender stuff. I went on a mens retreat to a Catholic
monastery. We did all the standard retreat-type workshops and meetings,
but the last thing we each had to do was sit down with a priest and go owr
our personal issues. The priest assigned to me was an older man; Im
guessing he was in his seventies, a real nice father-type guy. He asked me
what the big issue in my life was, and I figured oh fuck it, Id tell him. So
for about a half an hour, 1 spilled out my transgender stoly. At the end of
my tale, this priest looked at me-maybe his eyebrows were a little further
up on his forehead-and he said Well, Im certainly not qualified or experienced enough to give you any specific advice about a sex change, but I
can tell you this: your comfort level is somewhere down around your
ankles, and you need to do something about that. He went on to tell mc
that I should do at least three things a day to make myself more comfortable, and then he said, Al, you need to learn to treat yourself like you
would treat an honored guest in your house. That was about twelve years
ago, and its still some of the best advice Ive ever received. Whenever Im
beating myself up about gender stuff or anything else, I can usually get
back to the point of treating myself like an honored guest.
EXEiKl% Has there ever been a time in your MC: that you havent
been treated like a real man or a real woman? If so, did you give
yourself any negative messages about that? If you did, write them
down here.

I dont know about you, but I grew up with the idea that you simply do not write in books.
Well, I wrote this book to be written in, okoy?And dont worry.. there ore no right or
wrong omwers to any of these quest;ons and exercises, okay?

Now, what if a dear friend of yours were to come to your house. Ze

sits down and tells you that ze is exploring hir gender identity with
the idea of maybe changing genders, but zo tells you zo has
reservations about doing it. Ze lists out all the reasons in the box you
just filled in above. How would you counsel your dear friend?

Was there any difference between the way you counsel yourself and the
way you would counsel your dear friend? Think you could treat yourself
the way you treat a friend?
EXE-: Do three simple things for yourself today to make
yourself more comfortable. Anything at all that makes you
comfortable, and doesnt place a lot of stress 01 guilt on yourself for
doing it. Repeat this exercise daily for at least a week. At the end of
the week. write down any changes you notice in the way that you feel
about yourself.

If we dont show oorselves the some amount of compassion we show others, well
eventually come to resent the compassion we hove for others. I think theres little enough
comp~~;on in the world right now, so we need to grow our own to compensate for that.
-

All right, Ill be checking on your comfort level from time to time. But
now that youve got the idea, lets get into some deeper questions SO we
might better assess your Gender Aptitude.

@ YourGenderAptitude,SectionV:LoveandSex
I
1. Do you have a typeof
person you reyularly fall
for?
A. Drfiniteiy, yes.
B . I try to keep my mind pen
about this sorl of thing, but I
usually fall for one type.
c . I seem to fall for lots or
types of people, but
usually theyre all the same
gender.
D. What? You want to know if I
fall for typists? What 5 silly
question. I fall for people I
can connect with and who
connect with me.
If
you fell in love with a
2
.
n
heterosexual woman, you
would be
A. Pleased as punch.
B. Keally canfused.
C. Nervous as hell.
D. Curious, curious, curious.
3 . If you fell in love with a
heterosezual man, you
would be
A. Reassuring yourself that the
old Greeks had friendships
like that.
B. Pleased as punch.
C. Nervous as hell.
D. Curious, curious, curious.
4 . If you fell in love with a
lesbian ~~ornan. you would
A. Apprehensive, but titillated.

B.
C.
D.
5.
A.

B.
C.
D.
6.

A.
B.

C.
D.
7.

A.

B.
C.
D.
8.

A.
B.

Nervous as hell.
Plcased as punch.
Curious, curious, curious.
If you fell in love with a yq
man, you would be
Reassuring yourself that the
old Greeks had friendships
like that.
Resigned to your fate.
Pleased as punch.
Curious, curious, curious.
If you fell in love with a
woman who used to be a
man, you would be
Concerned how well she
would pass in public.
Wondering why you couldn.
have met her before her
change.
Nervous as hell.
Curious, curious, curious.
If you fell in love with a
man who used to be a
woman. you would be
Convinced that hes really a
wcman and youre not real11
a faggot.
Really confused,
Nervous as hell.
Curious, curious,
curious.
Whos ultimately
responsiblefor birth
control?
She is.
Heis.

10. Whos ultimately

responsible for kWiW Sex
safe during this time of the
AIDS epidemic?
A. 1am.
B. lam.
c . lam.
D. All of the above.

c. IanI.
,I. money, I havent had t
worry about that on for
years!
9. 1 like it...
A. On the bottom.
B. On the lop.
c. I the middle.
D. YsId!

~~~~ yourself 5 points tin each A answer, 3 points for every B. 1 Point for a
C, and no points for any D an.WJerS.

Write your scwc for this section here.

61 No Gender, No CV
Warning Mabel: This workbook gets into the subject and area of
something we can call far lack of a better (or any) term no gender.
Thats how I see myself: I live pretty much without a gender, which
paradoxically means I can do many genders.
Signs ,~f impending

0.genderedness might include but are not limrevulsion. whimsy, gut-wrenching

a*gst*

vertigo, light-headednes, confusion,

giggles, nausea, or all 01 TOM of the above.
ited to

Disclaimer: This workbook is not intended as a CUR for the above WJPt~~s~ or for any
,,t,,el symptom~ for that matter. Should these 01 any other SVPtos Persist. CALL A
DOCTOR! or call a friend.

Ha ha ba! Just kidding, No-gender is an interesting place for me to live.

I made this point in my first book, Gender Outlalv, and received quite a bit
of crresPndenre that boiled down to, Okay Kate, You SaY You live without a gender. How exactly do you do that.7 Well, theres a real easy answer
to that one. ~nest, its simple. This is the key to the whole workbook,

of you-ve got that, you dont need to read any fmther. Give me a call,
&d lets go out for tea or something. If, however, its not that easy to spot
where gender is or if once youve spotted it, its difficult to find a Place
where gender isnt, then maybe reading and doing the exercises i this

book would be a good idea. Lets see how you fare on the final criteria of
your gender aptitude: issues of no gender whatsoever.

YourGenderAptitude,SectionVI:NoGender
1. Which one of the following
statements most nearly
matches your idea of
gender?
A. Gender simply is. If you dont
like yours, get over it.
B . Ive been working on my
own gender for a long time,
and Im getting to the point
where I may actually have
made it my own.
C. I think theres a lot about
gender that we dont know
about yet, and I wonder why
that might be.
D. Gender is what happens to
me when I get dressed in the
morning.
2. Which one of thefollowing
statements most nearly
matches yourfeelings
about gender?
A. My what about gender?
B. I guess my feelings range
anywhere from anger and
frustration to happiness and
exhilaration.
C. Gender confuses me. I dont
know why it is the way it is.
D. I feel I feel I feel a
song coming on!
3. Has there been any time
when youve felt you have
no gender?

A. No, Im nowr really aware of

my gcndcr anyway.
B. No, Im cry aware of my
gender nearly all the time.
C. Maybe sometimes when Im
alone oi- Im in some
situation where gender
doesnt matter.
D. Lots of genders, no genders.
Whats the difference?
4. Have you em-r questioned
the nature of gender itselp
A. No, its not polite to question
Mother Nature.
B . I question the nature of my
own gender, but gender
itself! No.
C . I question gender. but I get
the spooky feeling Im not
supposed to do that.
D. The nature of gender? Isnt
that an oxymoron?
5. If there mere no more
gender, do you think
thered be any more desire?
A. Well of course not! Thats
why its impossible to reach
a point of no gender.
B. Thats a good question. 111
have lo ask my group.
C . My head says no, but my
hcarl says yes.
D . Oh dear. You really think a
littlo thing like no gender is

going to get in the way of w

sex life?
6. If you woke up one morning
and discovered you Were
neither a man nor a
woman, you would
A.

Kill y0wsOlf, or stay in

hiding the ret of your life.
B. I)iscuss this new
devclopmenl with your
group.
c. &ad the rest of this book as
fast as you could.
D. yawn and gel dressed.
7. ~0 you think theres sonte
s~i-t ofconnection between
your gender and your
spirituality?

A. MY gender and my what?

B. w11 yes, its all about yin
and yang and the inherent
duality and non-duality of
the universe, isnt it?
c. Perhaps gender is part of
our spiritual challenge.
1). My what and my
spirituality?
8. noue you euer killed oflport
of yourself you didnt like?
A.

Theres really nothing about

myself I dont like.
B. Ive let go of parts Of lWSlf 1
havent liked, yes.

c. Sometimes. Are you saying

that applies to gender?
D. h baby, manna set where 1
stashed the bodies?
9.

why are you reading this

book?

A. I certainly didnt choose to

read it, thats for SUE.
B. I think its important to tJY to
udrstand what it is that
other people expOrienc0.
c. Its been dawning on me that
maybe thse might sort Of
be, ~11, my issues to.
D. Becausr nearly everything
~1s~ about gender has been
positively dreary. darling.

rf

IO.

you thought this book

was leading you into Some
Sort of radical gender
change, you would

A.

Stop

reading and throw the

book away.
B. Finish reading the book.
then sell it at the used book
store.
c. Put the book up on the shelf
and pxxl it a whole lot later.
D. Ilababahahaha.
Kate would
w lad myon into that
unless lhey wanted to be led
there!

0 Okay,BoysandGirls! OntheCountofThree,
ChangeYour Gender! One...Two...
No, no. The goal of this workbook is not for you, dear reader, to completely change your gender from male to female or from female to male. Im not
asking you even to ponder the idea of doing that unless thats something
youve had in the back of your mind to do anyway. This is not a book for
and about transsexuals only. Im not going to ask you to join some massive underground movement. Im not recruiting rebels to The Cause. Im
not going to exhort you to stop being a man or a woman. Why should I do
that if thats what you enjoy being? This is simply a book about gender,
and who hasnt got one of those? Transsexual or not, youve got a gender,
dont you? Well, have you looked at it recently? I mean really really looked
at it? Well, take a deep breath, because here we go.

0 This Is Your Gender Aptitude!

Congratulations! Youve finished your gender aptitude questions! Now, go
back and collect up all your subtotalled scores for each section. Write the
total of your score for all six sections here:

rl
You have a range of possible scores from zero to 255, and if you havent
guessed it by now, when it comes to your Gender Aptitude (GA], smaller is
better. But dont fret, please. Its just an aptitude, and like any other part of
human potential, with a little or a lot of work you can always improve.
Lets see what the numbers translate into.

If your GA was:

Then your Gender Aptitude Level is:

O-60

Gender Freak
Whoa! This stuff must seem like kids play for you.
Either that or water in the desert, huh? Have fun
reading the book any 01 way you want to. Its going
to make you feel a lot less alone in the world. Call
me and let me know if I got this stuff right, will you?

Gender Outlaw
Youve been working not only on your own gender,
but the subject of gender itself for quite some time,
huh? Im willing to bet things are still a bit scary and
a bit serious for you in your life. If I were you, Id
read this book with the intent to get the most fun out
of it. Have a ball!
(

101-175

Gender Novice
Gee, its like you have one hand in respectability and
the other hand someplace where both of you like it.
Youre not always taken for normal, are you? In
fact, you probably get an infrequent but regular bout
of the gender willies from time to time, dont you?
Fret not. Youve got a very rewarding journey ahead
of you. All its going take is some practice. Read on,
read on. Make sure you do all the exercises, okay?
Well Gendered
Hiya, Mister Man! Hello, Ms. Lady! Im guessing
youre not reading this book to learn anything about
yourself, am I right? Maybe youre reading it as a
class requirement, or maybe a friend or family member wanted you to read it. Well, 1 think thats very
commendable. Keep on reading, and do whats comfortable for you to do. I promise Ill be gentle.
Youre Captain James T. Kirk!
Omigod, Ive always wanted to meet you! Can I have
your autograph, please? Ah, Captain, you finally get
to truly go where no man has gone before.

There. Now you know more about yourself and your relationship to
gender than most people in the history of the world. Isnt that neat?
No, theres no further significance to your Gender Aptitude than that.
Yes. its accurate, but no, it5 no big deal. Lets keep going.

Welcome to Your Gender Workbook

o Butterflies AreNot AlwaysFree

A couple of people have written me asking why I dont just wrne down
everything Ive learned about gender. Sort of do the Everything You
Wanted to Know about Gender but Were Afraid to Ask approach, with all
the answers. Well, a while back someone told me something interesting
about butterflies. I dont know if its true or not, but 1 like the concept, so
Im going to believe it.
It seems that butterflies have a rough time of their transition from caterpillars. These lil caterpillars weave weave weave and end up with a
cocoon all around them, in which theyre able to physically transform into
a butterfly. Now thats a lot of work all by itsell, but the interesting part
comes next: they have to get out of the cocoon. The butterfly in the
cocoon has to really struggle to get out of that thing. Now, lets say youre
walking through a field, and you see this cocoon. Its pretty obvious theres
a butterfly in there, struggling to get out. Humanitarian that you are, you
bend down and very gently open the cocoon to free the butterfly. Good
deed? Nope. It seems that Nature in hir wisdom has decided that the butterfly needs the struggle: the struggle itself triggers some sort of chemical
process in the butterfly that allows it to live once its out. If you free a
struggling butterfly from its cocoon, youre signing its death warrant.
Thats why this is a workbook. You can study gender until the cows
come home. You can read all the books, intenriew all the transgcndered
people, you can take courses in this stuff. But unless you actually do the
work on a personal basis, youre not going to understand the life of it. If
you truly want to see what it might be like to live without a gender, or to
change your gender, or to even understand the gender youve perhaps got
and really 1ike;then theres only one way for it: you need to do the work.
Illustrator Diane DiMassa and 1 have tried to make doing the work a bit
more fun, and thats the best we can do. The rest is up to you.

wi

SomeNotesonStyIe

Language isa tailorsshop where nothing fits.

-Rumi
Theres a cultural phenomenon thats come and gone throughout many
civilizations, and its just beginning to surface big time again in OUE..
Today, some people call it genderfuck. Its the intentional crossing, mixing,
and blending of gender-specific signals all at once. You may have seen
some examples of thk yourself. You may do it yourself. Its the riotgml in

her

short

skirt, combat

boots, and crewcut.

Its the

eyelined and lipsticked gothic boy in black velvet,

deep burgundy satin, and frothy white lace. Passing is the opposite of genderfock. Passing is getting
as many signals as possible all lined op. Youve
seen this one too. Maybe this is closer to what You
do. Its the girl who looks like she walked out of a
J. crew catalogue. Its Seinfeld and his wannabes.
No doubts about their genders.
Well, the style of this book might be called
lheoryfu&. Im hoping the mix of styles Ive used
to get this theory across highlights the constructed
nature of the theory, because I really dont believe
theres any single correct theory. ln terms of theories about gender, Im more convinced about what
gender isnt rather than what gender is. Im hoping
that makes it easier fOr YOU t0 Create YOuI VJn
theory out of what you might find interesting in
here.

@I They ShootHorses,Don't They?

Humanity has always been fascinated with the
process of transformation. As children, we play with clay or Silly Potty
and we transform it continually from one shape to another. We wonder at
caterpillars that become butterflies, we write stories about og1Y ducklings
that become swans. As scientists, we attempt to transform docile matter
into unlimited energy. Our literature and our philosophy, our science and
our folklore, our religions and our politics all boil down to some kind of
transformation, Through transformation, we perceive were alive and
growing. The opposite is also true: when transformation Stagnates or is
blocked, we approach death of one sort or another. And this has placed
transformation at the nexus of spirituality and higher leaming as a marker of either our spiritual progress or our wisdom.
zK do yOu suppose, WTX colturaf ph.mmm ore permitted to be dynamic and
mutobje, and so tronsformotive, while other cultural phenomena, incJu% gender. we
considered to be static?
~~ you think there exists the possibilityofo
how can we top into that?
-

transformative nature in gender?And ifsa

I think there is a transformative nature to gender, but I think its blocked in most cultures and
stagnates in two ways:

I have been alternat+ pissed off

and delighted bythe gender
dichotomy in oursooe~+ Even as
a pretw sending away for

1. The questioning of gender itself is essentially

made taboo.
2. Any information concerning the possibility of
gender as anything but natural and essential has
been essentially forhidden to public discourse.

magazines. Inskad Of checking

Ms. Miss, ME or Mr. Id scribble
them out

furiously!

I watched my grandmother
grow a beard and develop a
bassovoicr whilegrampsshrank
and became weakandvuinerabl~

What were doing in this workbook is:

and decidedly more

alto as the

wrswenton. Did thus mean

1. Questioning gender from as many angles as

we can.
2. Providing the public discourse with the possibility of subjective proof that gender is neither natural nor essential, but rather the performance of
self-expression within any dynamic relationship.

they vere undergotng

transformation?

it that way. They were

Dare

,wt

Wttlng old. I fact, had an ,dea

thatold peopleand
thatgenderwai

babiesknew

largelya

performance. As a teenager, I
hated the Wrms

GenderasaGameofTruthor

gender

I didnt think of

kmmineberause
they were SPXIG

*mawline

and

I felt that
and irrcIwan1

On the other hand, I ke

We cant perform something well, much less trans- remmIng it up and being a gtrl.
On the other other hand (Oh,
form it unless we know what it is to begin with.
That goes for OUT identities as a whole, which god. what 15 that cwatuw it has
threp hands!!!) I like to be Ear,
would include our gender identities. Without hav- the Girl.a 5.oclockshadow
ing questioned, discovered or defined for ourselves kinda teenage trouble-maker
the complexity of who WC really are, were left in who looks much bettor in a
the uncomfortable position of having to fake it baseball cap than do! Maybr ,ts
from time to time, until we can learn morr about San Franc~5cos lnfluencr.
-he Underwood
ourselves and how we wish to express ourselves.
During the time of faking it, however, we are in
effect presenting a false identity to the world.
And that seems to he universally the least torgivable crime: were not
who we seem to he. People will forgive us quite a hit, hut that one takes a
lot of work. If we dont know who we are, if theres some aspect of ourselves weve not explored folly, then thats the aspect WC lie about, cover
up our ignorance about, and apologize for. That area of unknown self is
the one thats going to rear up and hite us hard when we least expect it.
Thats the one were going to get caught up in.

TIC torment of a tam-boy IS

thisthen, to be told these
wuntie~~ times to act like a lady,
walk more

iike a lady, yeI having

legs that do nor seem to bend

quite like a ladys leg should and
hair that would not lie or curl
quite like a ladys hair would, and
did lhis mean I had to quit

Until weve fully explored all our identities,

until weve explored our genders and made some
choices about them based on informed consent,
were presenting consciously or unconsciously a
more or less false picture of ourselves to the world.
Im going to continue to throw those terms
around in this book: real man and real woman.
Theyre at once vital concepts and meaningless,
useless terms. Theyre vital concepts because nearly everyone believes there is such a thing as a real
man or a real woman. Many people think they
themselves are one or the other, or awfully close.
Theyre meaningless, useless terms because of the
nearly universal disagreement about what those
terms actually mean. Step across a generation line,
and youll get a shade of different meaning for
real man or real woman. Step across subcultures and those terms could shift radically in definition. Lets test that one out, shall we?

hockey and forget how to throw

a ,,a,,? A,, th,s disturbed me
greatly and did not begin to make
sense lJnt,l many years later.
--Ivan E. coyote

EXEFCEE:
1. Ask two of your friends what they think a real man is. Than ask
them what they think a real woman is. Make notes of their answers,
paying close attention to the words they use to describe real man and
real women.
2. If your parents are alive and youre in touch with them, ask them
the same questions. If not, ask someone close to you whos a member
of their generation. Make notes of their answers, paying c10~e
attention to the words they use to describe real men and real wonn?n.
3. If you have children, ask them the same question. If you dont have
children, ask someone whos close to you who would be of that
generation. Make notes of their answers, paying close attention to
the words they use to dcscribe real man and real women.

4. Ask two people of a different race than you

those questions. Make notes of their answers,
paying close attention lo the words they use
lo describe real men and real women.
5. Ask two people of a different culture than
you those questions. Make nolcs of their
answers, paying close attention to the words
they use to describe real men and real
wmn.
6. (optional) If you have access to a computer
and the Internet, go online and open a
channel called something like
#realmenwomen. Ask each person who pops
in your two questions, and keep a log of your
session.
Did you get more than one answer to each question?
What does that say about the terms real man
and real woman?
Some people think what Im saying is that there ore no men ond no
women. Thats not what I believe, ond it? certainly not what I
observe, I do believe there ore men and women. These ore very real
categories. I just think that these two categories alone ore
inadequate to describe the current multifaceted, elusively defined
condition ofhumanity.

0 TheAuthor's Agenda
Ive been researching gender using whatever tools I have had at the time
for nearly all my life. Ive yet to find an answer to even the simplest questions: Whats a real man? Whats a real woman? Why do we have to be
one or the other? But Ive learned a great deal from asking those questions.
So while 1 cant give you any answers regarding gender, I do want to give
you something. Since I probably dont know you, it makes it difficult to
shop for you. But I found a snippet of verse by the Sufi poet, Rumi. Its
answered all my shopping dilemmas!

You cant imagine how I've looked

for something for you.Nothingseemed appropriate.
YOU don't takegold

down into a goldmine,

oradropofwatertotheseaof

Oman!

Everythinglthoughtofwaslikebringingcuminseed
toKirmanshahwherecumincomesfrom.
Youhaveallseedsinyourbarn.YouevenhavemY

loYe

and my soul,soIcan'tbringthose.
I'vebrought You a mirror.look at yourself,
andrememberme.

so now 1 give mirrors to people. And thats what Id like this hook to hc
for you: a mirror. Forget mc just look at yourself. After all, youre not
thr same person you were when you started to read this hook, are you?