MARCH 2016

!
a
H FUNNY

FAMILY STORIES
A LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES SPECIAL ... 64

Foods That Affect Your Taste Buds

An RD ORIGINAL ... 36

What Makes a Marriage

From TEXAS MONTHLY ... 20

13 Things Sleep Doctors Wont Tell You

An RD ORIGINAL ... 128

Stalked by a Polar Bear

From the e-book MELTDOWN ... 82

Romancing the Terrorist

From the book IN THE SKIN OF A JIHADIST ... 114

Im a Slob, and You Should Be One Too

By ANDY SIMMONS ... 31

Crucial At-Home Health Checks

An RD ORIGINAL ... 50

Best Companies Ever!

From THE ONION ... 13

Historys Happiest Photo

From LIFE ... 28

The Shocking Limits on Organ Donors

From THE ATLANTIC ... 100

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Contents
MARCH 2016

Life in These United States

64 FUNNY FAMILY STORIES

You cant choose your
relativesbut you can choose
to laugh at them.
Extraordinary People
P HOTOGRAP H BY ERI N PATRI CE OBRIEN. GOLD VEST COURTESY ARSE NE E T L E S PIPE L E TTE S,
STRI PED ONESIE COURTESY H &M. PAN TS COURTESY EDDI E PEN . SHOE S COU RTE SY PL AE

74 ANGELS IN AMERICA
Heroes who make
a difference in our
darkest hours.
REPORTED BY
AMY PATUREL

Drama in Real Life

82 MAULED!
An Arctic trek turns
into a desperate
attempt to stay
alive after a
chance encounter
with a polar bear.

Human Interest

108 EDITHS HOUSE

As steel and concrete rose
around us, my unlikely
friendship with an intriguing
old woman grew too.
BARRY MARTIN WITH PHILIP LERMAN
FROM THE BOOK UNDER ONE ROOF

114
Personal Essay

ROMANCING THE
TERRORIST
A journalist posed online
as a young woman
interested in ISIS.
What she wanted
was a story. What
she got was the
fright of her life.
FROM THE BOOK IN THE
SKIN OF A JIHADIST

SABRINA S HANKMA N
FROM THE E-BOOK
MELTDOWN

Medicine

100 A LEGACY DENIED

Many terminally ill
patients want their
death to help others.
So why wont hospitals
let them donate
their organs?
JOSHUA MEZRICH, MD,
& JOSEPH SCALEA, MD

122
My Most
Unforgettable
Character

BILLIE HOLIDAY
SANG TO ME
Shes been the soundtrack to my lifeand
one of my greatest
teachers.
L AR A D OW NE S
FROM THE RUMPUS

FROM THE ATLANTIC

P.

64

Volume 187

| Issue 1118

MARCH 2016

4 Editors Note

6 Letters

Everyday Heroes

8 The Bold Bus Driver

A LYSSA J U N G

11 The Birthday Party

Project
BE T H D R E HE R

VOICES & VIEWS

Department of Wit

13 Best Companies Ever!

Youll be rushing to get your
application in after you hear
about their generous benefits
working from home after 6 p.m.!
FROM THE ONION

P.

16

READER FAVORITES

Finish This Sentence

18 The Movie Everyone

But Me Loves Is ...

Words of Lasting Interest

58
92
96
113
127
132
141
143
144
2

Points to Ponder
100-Word True Stories
Photo of Lasting Interest
News from the
World of Medicine
All in a Days Work
The Moth
Laughter, the Best Medicine
Laugh Lines
Thats Outrageous!
Look Twice
Word Power
Humor in Uniform
Quotable Quotes

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rd.com

20 Mother of the Bride

As she considers advice to give
her daughter, Ruth Pennebaker
realizes that marriage is an
ever-changing adventure.
FROM TEXAS MONTHLY

You Be the Judge

25 The Case of the

Relentless Robocalls
Should a company pay for
continuously dialing the
wrong number?
V IC KI GLE M B O CK I

ILLUSTRATION BY TRACY TURNBULL

16
27
28
54

ART OF LIVING

FROM TOP: PHOTOGRAPH BY CLA IRE BENOI ST. ILLUSTRATI ON BY SI LJA GTZ. COVE R: SHIRT AND SHORTS COU RTE SY B ABYG AP;
CARDIGAN COURTESY ARS ENE ET LES PIP ELETTES

31 Im a Slob, and You

Should Be One Too!

A NDY S IMMONS

Food

34 Genius Uses for Your

Microwave
KELSEY KLOSS

36 Foods That Trick

Your Taste Buds

P.

KELSEY KLOSS

36

Technology

38 Picture This
Health

44 Urine Trouble
SUSAN INCE

WHO KNEW?

128 13 Things Sleep Doctors

Wont Tell You

M IC HE LLE CR O U CH

50 A Lifesaving At-Home
130 Mind-Blowing Facts About

Checkup
JESSICA CASS IT Y

Some Beloved Songs

BR A N D ON S P E CKTO R

52 Seeing My Diagnosis

Differently

134 Psychoanalyzing

MELISSA ZHU MURPHY FROM PULSE

VOICES FROM THE HEART OF MEDICINE

Dictators
DAV E GILSO N FROM MOTHER JONES

P.

52

138 6 Priceless Things

Sold on eBay
M A R C M A NCI NI FROM MENTAL FLOSS

PHOTOGRAPH BY
ERIN PATRICE
OBRIEN
WARDROBE
STYLIST: ELYSHA
LENKIN; PROP
STYLIST: SARAH
GUIDO-LAAKSO
FOR HALLEY
RESOURCES;
GROOMING:
AMY KLEWITZ
AND CHRISTINE
HERBECK

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Winnie the Pooh and

Laughter Too
THE LUDLOWS WERE HILARIOUS. I remember all the laughing we did
around the dinner table back in the day. There was the running gag
about the digestive impossibility of the cube steak, the giggles about
a boyfriend nicknamed Crash, and the howlstears, evenover any story
that starred my dads boss, whom he called Tigger.
My mother must have discovered and misinterpreted the cube steak, a
weekly staple, in some 70s womens magazine. Our efforts to hide our pasty
cube steak cud sent all four of us into fits of hysteria.
Crash was so named by my parents because the poor pimply-faced kid had
once revealed that he wanted to be a stuntman when he grew up. Picture him
jumping off our garage, my dad would say. Picture the helmet.
Tigger was the man at the office who cheerfully dropped loads of unanticipated work into peoples inboxes, oblivious to the anxiety, anger, and distress
in his wake. Work, bounce, bounce. More work, bounce. Get it?
Maybe none of this is funny to you. Thats because you didnt know my
dad or how eager his young daughters were to understand this larger-than-life
place that he drove to every morning and emerged from so
tightly wound. Inside jokes made it better for all of us.
See, thats the thing: Humor framed those family
dinners. But if you ask me to tell a funny Ludlow story,
Im hard-pressed to come up with a crowd-pleaser.
You had to be there. You had to be us.
Still, our humor editor, Andy Simmons (thats him
smashing a pie in his daughters face on page 64),
assured me youd send plenty of hilarious tales to fill our
Life in These United States cover story. He was right.
I laughed, I really did, and I didnt have to be there.
I invite you to e-mail me at [email protected] and
follow me at lizvaccariello on Instagram.

P HOTOGRAP H BY STEVE VACCARIE L LO; WARD ROBE STYL IST: E LYSHA L E NK IN;
HAI R AN D M AKEUP : AMY K L E W ITZ FOR PRO- STYL E - CRE W

Editors Note

WHY SETTLE FOR A SINGLE

GOOD CUP OF COFFEE,

WHEN YOU CAN HAVE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE

EVERY SINGLE TIME.

EACH MAXWELL HOUSE BLEND IS SELEC

FIVE DIFFERENT TYPES OF BEANS, SO EV
DELICIOUS CUP IS GOOD TO THE LAST DR
Keurig, the Cup and Star design, Keurig Brewed and K-Cup
are trademarks of Keurig, Incorporated. Used with permission. 2016 Kraft Foods.

Letters
COMMENTS ON THE DEC/JAN ISSUE

I cant begin to express

the emotions that swept
through me when I
finished the last of these
stories. From laughter
to tears and then disappointment when the
stories were over so
soon! You did an outstanding job picking
them. Thank you for continuing
to publish such a great magazine.
STEVEN KLUNK, L a P l a t a , Ma r y l a n d

The Real 12 Days

of Christmas
I was laughing and smiling through
each of Colin Nissans descriptions.
Loved, loved, loved the whole article. Im definitely going to keep this
for future reading. Thanks for making my morning a joyous one.
DIANA ROSA-MARTIR,

N o r t h Wa l e s , P e n n s y l v a n i a

The Real 12 Days of Christmas

had me laughing so hard, I was crying. Readers Digest has been a gift
subscription from my father-in-law
for more than 15 years at the holi6

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rd.com

days. When my kids were

little, they couldnt wait
to read all the jokes. You
brought laughter to my
day.
DENISE BRUDERICK,
Ki n g s t o n , Mi c h i g a n

Everyday Heroes
How refreshing and
inspirational it
is to read about
people who place
the needs and welfare of others
above their own. Their sacrifice and
humanitarian efforts are so fantastic, especially in the light of all the
tragedy in the world these days.
And where is this happening? In the
good old U.S.A.
GARY B. ELLIOT, D u r h a m , N o r t h C a r o l i n a

Pretty Girl
This story tore at my heart as
an animal lover. Someone finally
took her in, and she became a
beautiful dog. Dogs are faithful,
obedient, and lovingnot something to be discarded, as many
owners do today. Treat them with
kindness, and they will give you
many years of love.
PAMELA DAVID, C o n v e r s e , In d i a n a

P HOTOGRA PH BY A LI BLUMENTHAL

Miraculous
Christmas Stories

The Big One

We live in Olympia, Washington.
The article about the Big One scared
the you-know-what out of us!

any information about their

operations. The names of some
of these should surprise many.
F. A., v i a e - m a i l

RONA MATLOW, O l y m p i a , Wa s h i n g t o n

The Big One is totally inappropriate! What scare tactics are you trying
to convey? This is your holiday
issue, and it should be filled with
uplifting articles.
MARGARET LERIAN, Fa i r O a k s , C a l i f o r n i a

Uncharitable!
Thank you for the great articles, yet
we and the public still need your
help. I represent the American
Cancer Fund, and both the public
and our reputable charity were
severely harmed by Cancer Fund
of Americas dishonesty. Please
advise your readers not to mistake
our reliable charity for one that
was fraudulent.
ACF STAFF AND ITS BOARD OF DIRECTORS,

Hi l l s b o r o u g h , Ne w Je r s e y

Thank you for exposing how some

charities operate. I subscribe to the
Better Business Bureaus Wise Giving
Guide. Its amazing how many organizations wont give complete or

Im glad you reported on bad charities. Now please do an article on the

good charities.
LISA JAMES, O ra n g e v a l e , C a l i f o r n i a

Inspiring the
Next Generation
Im an 11-year-old girl from Brooklyn
and a fairly new subscriber, but all the
issues Ive gotten so far have been
incredible. The jokes are funny, the
articles are enlightening, and the
quotes at the end are beautiful, each
one ringing true to someone out there.
Every time I open the latest issue,
I read about someone interesting,
with a life very different from mine.
Even though Im only 11, I appreciate RD so much. I have a lot of
aspirations for the futuregraduate
from Yale, become a marine biologist, write some novels. One of them
is a little bit smaller but just as
important to meI want to, someday, have something published in
Readers Digest.
HANNAH SMITH, Ne w Yo r k , Ne w Yo r k

Send letters to [email protected] or Letters, Readers Digest, PO Box 6100, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1600. Include your full name,
address, e-mail, and daytime phone number. We may edit letters and use them in all print and electronic media. Contribute Send
us your 100-word true stories, jokes, and funny quotes, and if we publish one in a print edition of Readers Digest, well pay you
$100. To submit your 100-word stories, visit rd.com/stories. To submit humor items, visit rd.com/submit, or write to us at Jokes,
Box 6226, Harlan, Iowa 51593-1726. Please include your full name and address in your entry. We regret that we cannot acknowledge or return unsolicited work. Requests for permission to reprint any material from Readers Digest should be sent to
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rd.com

032016

Keeping kids safe

is second nature
for me, says
Tim Watson, who
also coaches
youth sports.

EVERYDAY
HEROES
Tim Watsons quick thinking saves
a little boy from danger

The Bold Bus Driver

BY ALYSSA JUNG

ON A WARM MORNING last

summer, California bus driver Tim
Watson was about halfway through
his daily 15-mile express route from
Milpitas to Fremont when an alert
from the Valley Transportation
Authority (VTA) flashed across his
dashboard screen. A toddler had
been kidnapped in Milpitas, the
message read, and it asked that drivers be on the lookout for the boy.
The victim was described as a
three-year-old child in plaid shorts
and red shoes; the suspect, a man
in his 20s wearing jeans and a black
hooded sweatshirt and carrying a
PHOTOGRAPH BY CODY PICKENS

tan backpack. Tim felt his stomach

drop when he realized that a man
with a toddler on his hip had boarded
the bus just ten minutes earlier.
Tim distinctly remembered the boys
plaid shorts.
Tim glanced in one of his mirrors
and saw the pair sitting in the last
seat at the back of the nearly empty
bus. Before alerting authorities, he
wanted to confirm their identities.
Pulling into a McDonalds parking
lot, he announced that he needed to
look for a lost bag. He moved slowly
down the aisle, peering under each
seat, until he approached the last
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032016

E V E R Y D AY H E R O E S

with the boy, a police officer grabbed

row. As he bent down, Tim avoided
the child out of his arms, threw the
eye contact with the man. I saw
suspect to the ground, and handthe boys red shoes, says Tim. But
cuffed him behind his back.
I knew I had to keep cool.
The police officers told Tim
Back behind the wheel, Tim
that about an hour earlier, the man,
apologized for the delay and pulled
Alfonso David Edington, 23, had
the bus onto the highway. Not wantsnatched the boy from the Milpitas
ing to arouse suspicion, he waited
library after he wana few minutes, then
dered away from his
radioed the bus
mother.
dispatcher. I believe
Tim found the
Tim thought about
I have the kidnapping
suspect on my bus,
boy in the front his own sons, ages 17
and 21. I went back
he told the operator,
seat of a police in the bus alone and
keeping his voice low.
broke down, he says.
The dispatcher
car, smiling.
he climbed out
directed Tim to
I knew he was Then
again to check that the
continue to his final
safe, Tim says. boy was OK. Tim found
stop at the Fremont
him sitting calmly in
BART subway station,
the front seat of a squad
where police officers
car, without a tear in sight. I just
would be waiting. As Im driving, all
smiled at him, Tim says. I knew
I can think about is what Im going
he was safe.
to do if I get there before the police,
Edington was charged with felony
he says. So he slowed down, rolling
kidnapping and faces up to 11 years
along at 35 mph in a 65 mph zone.
in prison.
As Tim was about to make the
A few weeks after the incident,
last turn into the BART parking lot,
Tim received a certificate of recognihe saw from the side mirrors police
tion from the VTA Board of Directors,
cruisers pull up behind the bus
silently but with red lights flashing.
the Santa Clara Board of Supervisors,
The bus doesnt have a back winand the city of Milpitas, as well as
dow, so the guy had no idea they
a congressional resolution from
were there, says Tim.
Congressman Eric Swalwell. Still,
He stopped the bus and opened
Tim is humble about his actions.
the doors. In his right side mirror,
I try to teach my kids to look
Tim could see four cops waiting for
out for people who cant defend
the suspect with their hands on their
themselves, he says. And thats
holsters. As the man got off the bus
what I did.
10

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rd.com

READERS DIGEST

The
Birthday
Party
Project

COURTESY THE MA MONES/THEM AM ONES .COM

BY BE TH D R E H E R

ON A FLIGHT from
Dallas, Texas, to Cincinnati,
Ohio, to visit a friend in
2008, event planner Paige Chenault
daydreamed about the elaborate
birthday parties shed throw for her
daughter one day. (Paige was five
months pregnant at the time.) Then,
flipping through a magazine, she saw
a photo of an impoverished Haitian
boy, his belly bloated. I thought,
This kid has nothing, Paige says.
The image stayed with her, and
she resolved to do something to help.
I decided I would use my talents to
throw birthday parties for homeless
kids, Paige says.
For the next four years, Paige
and her husband, Colin, took time
out from parenthood to visit shelters
to determine how best to pull off the
parties.
Finally, in January 2012, Paige
launched the Birthday Party Project,
a nonprofit organization, and recruited friends and family to help
decorate Dallass 75-occupant Family
Gateway Shelter with balloons and
streamers, celebrating the birthdays

Paige Chenaults organization has

celebrated more than 1,800 birthdays.

of 11 boys and girls, with 60 more

homeless kids in attendance. That
first party was better than I could
have ever imagined, says Paige.
Now Paige and her staff of three
paid employees work with regional
volunteers, aka birthday enthusiasts, to plan monthly themed parties
at 15 shelters across the country,
some of which house abused or
abandoned kids. Each child celebrating a birthday that month gets a
$30 gift, a decorative place mat, and
an individual cake or cupcake.
One of Paiges favorite parts of
each party is when the kids make
a wish and blow out the candles.
They rarely get a chance to dream
big, says Paige.
Her daughter, Lizzie, now seven, often helps out at the parties. Paige says,
The one thing Ive always wanted is
for my kid to be generous.
rd.com

032016

11

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VOICES

VIEWS

Department of Wit

Best
Companies
Ever!
F ROM THE O N IO N

Great Work-Home Ratio

Laid-Back Company Allows
Employees to Work from Home
After 6 p.m.
GRESHAM, ORUnderscoring the
benefits of working for a laid-back
company like SocialFire Marketing,
founder and CEO Matt Avalon told
reporters Tuesday he had instituted
an officewide policy permitting
employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m. If it helps them be
efficient and get more done, I have
no problem with people working
remotely once theyve left the office
for the day, said Avalon. Thats the
kind of relaxed culture we strive to
create hereone where you can
even be working from your living
ILLUSTRATION BY NISHANT CHOKSI

room couch at two in the morning

if youd like. Avalon added that employees are free to work from home
on weekends and holidays as well.

Sympathetic Coworkers
Helpful Colleagues Advise Woman
on Strategy for Speeding Ticket
HAGERSTOWN, MDLocal sales
manager Patricia Carson reportedly
received astute counsel Tuesday
from a veritable legal dream team
of coworkers, who dispensed
invaluable advice on how to get
rd.com

032016

13

D E PA R T M E N T O F W I T

out of a recent speeding ticket.

You should totally fight it, said
junior marketing director Gregory
Castle, widely regarded as one of
the legal communitys preeminent
scholars. Its a total racket.
Half the time, the radar gun is
busted, said software developer
Mark Schreiber, laying the groundwork for a flawless defense that
would hold up under the scrutiny of
even the most ruthless prosecutor.
Even if you were over the limit,
youre totally allowed to drive at
the rate of traffic, so as long as you
werent passing a bunch of cars, you
should be good, said office manager
Sarah Gilchrist, 26.
Company sources confirmed that
Carsons meeting with her offices law
experts proved even more valuable
than the lifesaving medical opinions
she received earlier in the year after
presenting a mole on her neck to the
offices top oncological researchers.

Child-Friendly Atmosphere
Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz
Back into Work After Maternity Leave
Without Bringing Baby to Office
KENWOOD, OHSaying she has a
lot of nerve to try to pull something
like this, employees of insurance
agency Boland & Sons told reporters
Wednesday that coworker Emily
Nelson seems to believe she can just
waltz back into work after her maternity leave without once bringing her
baby into the office. I dont know

where she gets off thinking she

doesnt need to come in here with
that baby strapped around her in
a Bjrn, said Greg Sheldrick, adding
that Nelson is out of her mind if she
seriously believes showing off a few
measly pictures of the newborn is
an adequate substitute for bringing
him around to meet everyone in the
department. She needs to come in
with that baby in a stroller, roll it by
my desk, and say, Somebody wants
to say hello, or, frankly, she might as
well never show her face here again.

Most Open-Minded
Progressive Company Pays Both
Men and Women 78 Percent of What
They Should Be Earning
SEATTLEStressing the importance
of treating all its staff members
equally, technology firm Northstar
Solutions described to reporters
Wednesday its strict policy of paying
both male and female workers
78 percent of what they should be
earning. At Northstar, we believe
that employees who contribute the
same level of hard work for the same
duties should earn the same fraction
of a reasonable wage, regardless
of whether theyre men or women,
said the companys CEO, Jack
Stargell, who noted that every staff
members compensation package
was routinely reviewed to ensure that
personnel with comparable experience and job responsibilities were
being equivalently underpaid.

REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION OF THE ONION, COPYRIGHT 2015 BY ONION INC., THEONION.COM.

AT&T experts make switching easy

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2016 AT&T Intellectual Property. All rights reserved. AT&T and Globe logo are registered trademarks of AT&T Intellectual Property. All other marks are the property of
their respective owners.

With a song, you cant

explain exactly what
happens or when its
going to happen or
what its going to do
to you or somebody
else. But somehow,
its this beautiful
conduit that connects everybody in a
way nothing else can.
ALICIA KEYS,

s i n g e r a n d s o n g w r i t e r,

IVE LISTENED to someone as young

as 14 and someone as old as 100 talk
about their close friends, and [there
are] three expectations of a close
friend that I hear people describing
and valuing across the entire life
course: somebody to talk to, someone to depend on, and someone to
enjoy. These expectations remain the
same, but the circumstances under
which theyre accomplished change.
WILLIAM RAWLINS, PHD,

professor of communications,

16

032016

rd.com

in the Atlantic

HUMANS LOVE HAIR Were

mammals, and a mammals hair is its
glory. The human case is particularly
poignant, since we have so little of
it ... Wearing clothes and sleeping
under blankets are human behaviors
that return us to a more immersive
relationship to hair, and stroking the
fur of dogs and cats is soothing to
us because it recalls primordial
mammalian sense memories.
RANDY LAIST, PHD,

p r o f e s s o r o f En g l i s h ,

in the New York Times

ILLUSTRATION BY TRACY TURNBULL

SOURCE PHOTO: JEF F VESPA /GETTY I M AGES

in Marie Claire

TAKE EVERY minute, one at a time.

Dont be fooled by a perfect sea
at any given moment. Accept and
rise to whatever circumstance
presents itself.
DIANA NYAD,

who swam from Cuba to Florida without

a s h a r k c a g e , in her memoir Find a Way

RECENTLY, a man decided to make

a sandwich from scratch. He grew
the vegetables, gathered salt from
seawater, milked a cow ... [It] cost
him six months of his life and set
him back $1,500 The inefficiency
of making even something as humble
as a sandwich by oneself, without
the benefits of market exchange, is
simply mind-boggling. There was a
time when everyone grew their own
food and made their own clothes. It
was a time of unimaginable poverty
and labor without rest.
CHELSEA GERMAN,

r e s e a r c h e r,

EVERY ONCE in a while at the end

[of a movie in a movie theater], we
do something really remarkable:
We applaud. We dont applaud at
our televisions. We dont applaud
at our iPhones. We dont applaud
at our iPads. But after a great movie,
we applaud. Thats the power of the
moviegoing experience. Today, we
may live in an era in which we can
own any movie we wish. But in the
theater, movies own us.
JEFFREY KATZENBERG,

h e a d o f D r e a m Wo r k s An i m a t i o n
m o v i e s t u d i o, in a speech

WITTY WISDOM
The greatest feeling an adult can
experience is seeing a back-toschool commercial and knowing
it no longer affects your life.
@DAMIENFAHEY, t e l e v i s i o n w r i t e r

in the Wall Street Journal

ECONOMISTS WHO study happiness

have begun to entertain the notion

that perhaps what matters isnt the
degree to which people get what
they want but how much they like
what they get. Good emotions may
be more important than satiation
of desires.
NOAH SMITH, PHD,

economist,

One good thing about five-yearolds is they are always just a

Krazy Straw and some chocolate
milk away from the best day ever.
@SIMONCHOLLAND,

Twitter comedian

You can use white wine to

remove a red wine stain. Thats
why I always have two glasses
of wine wherever I go. In case
theres a stain.
ELLEN DEGENERES,
t a l k-s h o w h o s t ,

on her website

in Bloomberg View

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17

FINISH THIS SENTENCE

The movie everyone

Jaws.
I dont like being scared out of my wits,
so it was not enjoyable at all.
ELAINE STOFFERAHN ANDERSEN

The Wizard of Oz.

Cant get through
it without nodding off.

Fargo.
While the accents were
annoying, the story
was even more so.

JAYNE MCKAY ROGERS

Longmont, CO

TONY FELLER

Las Vegas, NV

Palm Desert, CA

Wedding
Crashers.
They are funny, but awful
womanizers.
ANNIE BARR LARNER

Its a
Wonderful
Life.
Attempted suicide.
Workplace harassment.
Depression. Yuck!
MARIE A. SANCHEZ

Star Wars.
There, I finally said it!
DIANNA HERRING

but me loves is
The Godfather.
Too long and too violent!

Troy, VT

JULIE STEMARIE

Titanic.
Hated every moment
of the three hours.

Waseca, MN

MELANIE BROWN
Cleveland, OH
Philadelphia, PA
Algonquin, IL

Terms of
Endearment.

Glen Burnie, MD

I hate movies that expect

to wring tears from you.
STEPHANIE JAEGER
Springfield, MO
Clarksville, TN

Any movie with

Brad
Pitt.
CAROLYN BOSTIC

Frozen.
I dont get the
hype. Elsa is mean
and runs away!
REBECCA GROSS

Pulp Fiction.
Too much violence
and just weird.
CHRISTINA HICKS

San Antonio, TX

MAP BY 5W INFOGRAPHICS

Go to
facebook.com/
readersdigest
for the chance to
finish the next
sentence.
rd.com

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19

WORDS OF LASTING INTEREST

Mother of
The Bride
As she considers
advice to give
her daughter,
Ruth Pennebaker
realizes that
marriage is an
ever-changing
adventure
FROM
TEXAS MON THLY

20

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rd.com

PHOTOGRAPH BY FREDRIK BRODEN

RUTH
PENNEBAKER

ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY

is an author,
a blogger, and
a public radio
commentator.
Her latest book
is Pucker Up!
The Subversive
Womans Guide
to Aging.

MY HUSBAND AND I are sitting across the table from

our daughter, Teal, and her fianc, Bennett. Around us, the
restaurant is bustling, but this will be the last calm moment the four of us will have together for a while. Bennetts
family will arrive in Austin the next night, followed by
180 of the couples friends for their wedding on Saturday.
Bennett leans forward. Is there any advice you can give
the two of us about marriage? he asks.
He and Teal look at my husband and me expectantly.
Teal is our firstborn, strong-willed and charming. She and
Bennett met and fell in love four years ago. They are both
32, smart, and ambitious, and they fit so beautifully together, bantering constantly like a 30s screwball comedy,
that it makes me happy just being around them.
But marital advice? My mind freezes.
We were ten years younger than they are now, just a few
months out of college, when we stood before a Methodist
minister at my parents small brick house on the dusty
edges of Midland, Texas. We were so young, we didnt realize how young we were. We had met in high school, where
wed ignored each other and then been thrown together on
a shockingly successful date that lasted till the small hours.
I loved his endless curiosity about the world and his sly
wit. Halfhearted hippies, we both had big, gauzy dreams
we couldnt quite articulate, and the future stretched
before us, endless and blank. In the photos, he looks terrified, and I look exuberant.
The minister, who counseled us before the service,
suggested we sit down every year and record what we liked
and disliked about each other so we could see how much
wed grown. My husband and I thought that was the funniest thing wed ever heard.
Now, in the restaurant, looking at my daughter and her
husband-to-be, I struggle to think of some pithy wisdom to
offer. The truth is, after all these years, marriage still strikes
me as a crazy institution. It creaks under towering heaps
of cultural and personal expectations. We celebrate it, we
revere it when it works, we want it for our children.
rd.com

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21

WORDS OF LASTING INTEREST

My husband, probably recalling

do better. We travel to Japan and
just how semi-formed he and I were
Albania and Lourdes. We look more
when we exchanged vows, breaks the
tired than we once did.
silence. Youre both already better
As the wedding approaches, the
equipped to handle marriage than we
tempo quickens, and the noise
were, he says, which is true. From
becomes a roar. Teal and Bennett are
there, he and I talk in fits and starts.
surrounded by friends and family,
Laugh as often as you can, we counsel
everyone giddy about the future. Im
them. Be as mannerly
in a festive mood, but
toward each other as
I also find myself reyou are to strangers. Our
membering the past.
A long marriage
speech isnt what anyA long marriage, it
one would call polished.
isnt a monolith occurs to me, isnt a
Later, after weve
monolith any more than
any more than a life is. Instead, it is a
come home, I see the
scattered family photos
series of relationships
a life is. It is a
my husband and I have
over the years, and you
series of
been looking at as we
have to be lucky and
relationships.
compile a mosaic of
stubborn and both want
pictures of Teal for the
it to work. I see my huswedding. The photos
band and me in our
feature houses and neighborhoods we early married years, before we had
used to live in, friends we havent seen children. We worked and studied,
in years. Teal is an infant, then a toddrank and hosted parties that lasted
dler dynamo, a brooding adolescent,
till dawn. Those were the years when
a grown woman intent on changing
we fought the loudest and laughed
the world. Trailing a few years behind
the hardest.
is her younger brother, Nick.
Then our children came along. In
In the background, my husband
those harried years, we were always
and I lose the fresh, plump faces of
in a rush, always cleaning cereal up
youth. We camp, we drive a battered
from the floor, never finishing a
Volkswagen Bug, we finish graduate
sentence or a thought. It was hard
school and law school. His hair, once but joyous. How do two ambitious
red and thick, darkens and thins. My
people survive parenthood todramatic 80s perms surround my
gether? You cope and you chafe,
face like a thundercloud till I lose
and it helps if you still find each
my hair to chemotherapy. We are
other funny and attractive.
poor and strapped, we sell our wedAnd yes, the face of love changes
ding silver to pay bills, we steadily
over the years. When youre diagnosed
22

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rd.com

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SootheEyeDrops.com.

WORDS OF LASTING INTEREST

with cancer and cut open and infused with toxic chemicals, when
your own parents begin to sicken
and die, when tragedy strikes so
randomly and brutally that youre
left breathlessmaybe thats when
you finally grow up.
Today, with our children out of
the house, my husband and I lead
quieter, less hectic lives. Weve left
our family home in West Austin and
moved to a smaller condo downtown. We watch TV more than we
used tobut TV is more intellectual
than it used to be, isnt it? Sometimes I look back and feel as if a great
storm has passed and left us drifting
in contentment. Its a lovely time, far
more pleasurable than I would have
ever guessed.
On Saturday evening, 200 people
gather inside the Palm Door, a funky,
offbeat event space on East Sixth
Street. The four of usTeal in a
strapless gown with cowboy boots,

her father, Nick, and Iwalk down

the aisle to Robert Earl Keens
Feelin Good Again. Bennett waits
at the front with Ward, my husbands
brother. The rowdy crowd quiets as
Teal and Bennett promise to always
make time for each other, to encourage, to comfort, to dance to Willie
Nelson when theyre low. Their faces
are open and lit with happiness.
As they speak, I sit next to the man
whos hovered with me over feverish
children and birthday cakes that now
collapse in from the weight of the
candles. He is the one who has
calmed my fears for 41 years, who
believed in me before I ever believed
in myself, who snores as loudly as
I do. And I think, Thats what
marriage is: falling in and out of love
with the same person, again and
again and again. Looking at our
beautiful daughter and her new
husband, I cant think of anything
better to wish for them.

ADAPTED FROM A JULY 2014 STORY, WITH PERMISSION FROM TEXAS MONTHLY, TEXASMONTHLY.COM.

THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD

Some willing to work, and the rest willing to let them.
ROBERT FROST

Those who nish what they start, and so on ...

ROBERT BYRNE

Those who constantly divide the people of the world into

two kinds, and those who do not.
ROBERT BENCHLEY

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YOU BE THE JUDGE

Should a company pay

for continuously dialing
the wrong number?

The Case
Of the
Relentless
Robocalls
BY VICKI GLEMB OCKI

THE CALLS to Araceli Kings cell

phone started on July 3, 2013. Every
time, a prerecorded message from
Time Warner Cable (TWC) asked to
speak to Luiz Perez. If King didnt
answer the call, the company left
a computerized message for Perez.
King didnt know anyone named
Luiz Perez, but there were no interactive options given in the messages
to opt out of the calls. So they kept
coming. From July to October, King
received ten calls from TWC, all using
the companys interactive voice
response (IVR) system.
King, a resident of El Paso, Texas,
had given TWC her cell number in
ILLUSTRATION BY NOMA BAR

connection with her account and

had consented to its terms of service,
which included using automated dialing systems or artificial or recorded
voices to call you. However, TWC did
not, in fact, intend to call her.
Finally, on October 3, 2013, King
contacted TWC. She explained to
a representative that she wasnt Luiz
Perez and asked that calls to her cell
about his account stop. As it turned
out, Perez had opened an account
with TWC 20 months earlier, in
February 2012, using a phone number that Sprint later assigned to King.
The calls, however, still did
not stop. King made additional

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25

YO U B E T H E J U D G E

requests to TWC to put an end to

them, but TWC proceeded to call her
79 more times. So on March 20, 2014,
she filed a complaint in the United
States District Court of the Southern
District of New York. She claimed
that TWC was violating the Telephone
Consumer Protection Act (TCPA), a
law that prohibits companies from
dialing any phone number or leaving
a voice mail without prior consent.
Yet even after TWC had been
served the summons, it still called
King an additional 74 times. In all,
she alleged receiving 163 calls from
TWC for Luiz Perez, according to
court papers.
She felt harassed, says her attor-

ney, Jenny DeFrancisco at Lemberg

Law, noting that each call that violated the TCPA was subject to a $500
award in statutory damages.
Among other points, TWC argued
that it did not know that Perezs cell
phone number had been reassigned
to King and, therefore, the companys liability was unclear, since that
situationintending to call one
party and accidentally calling
another because the number had
been reassignedwasnt expressly
addressed by the TCPA.
Did TWC violate Kings rights by
calling her number to reach another
customer? You be the judge.

THE VERDICT
On June 18, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) clarified
its position on the case at hand in a press release: If a phone number
has been reassigned, companies must stop calling the number after
one call.
In the following weeks, both King and TWC moved for summary
judgment in the case. On July 7, District Judge Alvin Hellerstein ruled
that TWC was not liable for the ten calls prior to Kings October 3 call
to the cable company. However, he ruled that TWC was liable for the
remaining 153 calls, and not just at $500 per call, but at $1,500 per call
a total of $229,500. The judge explained that King clearly experienced
the very sort of inconvenience against which Congress sought to protect her. But TWC is not giving up. The cable giant has since filed an
appeal.
Agree? Disagree? Sound off at rd.com/judge.

26

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Your True Stories

IN 100 WORDS

SPLIT ON DEMAND

n July of 1969, I was

wounded in Vietnam
and transported to the
Army hospital in
Tokyo. While under
the fog of sedation,
I remember a lady
approached me and
asked if there was anything I wanted. For some reason, I responded, I would love
a banana split! When I got out of
surgery, a nurse came over to me
with a banana split. I asked her what
it was all about. She said, You told
Secretary of Defense Melvin Lairds
wife that this is what you wanted!
WINFRED PHILLIPS, C h a t t a n o o g a , Te n n e s s e e

PENNY FOR A THOUGHT

he night before a new job, I

drove along terrified and totally
unprepared, certain I would fail my
pregnant wife. As I was stopped
at an off-ramp, a homeless man
approached me, begging for money.
Needing to change my attitude, I
rolled down the window and offered
him a coin. Instead of thanking me,
he said he needed a favor. Uh-oh;
what had I gotten myself into?
Tomorrow, he said, go knock em

ILLUSTRATION BY KAGAN MCLEOD

dead. And I did. I dont

know what prompted
his prescient words,
but a year later, I am
a proud fatherand
a pro at my job.
MICHAEL BEATRICE,

Ta r z a n a , C a l i f o r n i a

TIME TO TOAST

t a family wedding,
the father of the
bride toasted the young
couple and shared anecdotes
from years past. I glanced at my
own son, who was cradling his baby
daughter as she slept, her head
resting against his chest. Our eyes
met. I mouthed one word to him:
Someday. A barely perceptible nod
acknowledged that he understood.
First steps, first words, best friends,
sleepovers, soccer practice, drivers
license, prom date, college. Until
one day, he, too, would be toasting
her wedding, bravely smiling and
sharing stories, and feeling a little
shattered inside.
CYNTHIA CONLEY, B l a i n e , Mi n n e s o t a

To read more 100-word stories and to

submit your own, go to rd.com/stories.
If your story is selected for publication in
the magazine, well pay you $100.

rd.com

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27

PHOTO
OF LASTING
INTEREST

March of Joy
Some call it the happiest photo ever taken. On a fall day in 1950, photographer
Alfred Eisenstaedt spotted a drum major practicing his high steps on a playing
field. I saw a little boy running after him, he recalled. All the faculty children
ran after the boy. And I ran after them. Eisenstaedt snapped the shot on
impulse while covering the University of Michigans famous marching band
for Life magazine. Lifes director of photography, David Friend, called Drum
Major an ode to joy. In 1993, President Bill Clinton agreed; when he was
offered any Eisenstaedt print as a gift, this is the one he reportedly chose.
P H O T O G R A P H B Y A L F R E D E I S E N S TA E D T F R O M L I F E M A G A Z I N E

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29

AT T R A C T I O N S
M AND OTHER
EXPLORE THE

Its like a

2016 Offi ce of the Governor, Economic Development and Tourism.

Im a Slob, and You

Should Be One Too!
BY ANDY S IM M O NS

PHOTOGRAPHS BY CLAIRE BENOIST

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31

I M A S LO B , A N D YO U S H O U L D B E O N E TO O !

Thwart Dust Mites

Did you know that your bed is probably home to 1.5 million hungry dust
mites feeding off your dead skin cells
and swimming in the moisture left
over on your sweat-soaked sheets?
Or that, if inhaled, the allergens they
produce (which is actually their poop
Mm-mmm!) can cause asthma and
allergies? Sleep tight! Thankfully, its
easy to stop the little buggers: Dont
make your bed. Sheets and blankets
tucked in with their hospital corners,
just so, lock in the moisture that mites
need to survive. As with Dracula, exposure to sunlight kills them. Stephen
Pretlove, PhD, of Kingston Universitys School of Architecture, told the
BBC, Leaving a bed unmade during
the day can remove moisture from the
sheets and mattress, so the mites will
dehydrate and eventually die.
I SKIP SHAMPOOING SO I CAN ...

Rock a Better Do
Twilight actor Robert Pattinson has
a lot of hair, which, in my book,
makes him an expert. So I took notes
when he said, I dont really see the
point in washing your hair ... Its like,
I dont clean my apartment, cause
I dont care. I have my apartment for
sleeping, and I have my hair for just,
you know, hanging out on my head.
Turns out he has a point. Washing
your hair every day strips it of its
essential oils, according to huffington
post.com. Day-old hair styles better
32

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and generally looks better than

freshly washed hair. Alli Webb,
hairstylist and founder of Drybar,
told WebMD, I have always said,
Its fine to go a few days without
shampooing. (Its true; shes always
saying it. Shes the dullest conversationalist.) When it comes to washing
my hair, Im Team Edward!
I WONT CLEAN MY DESK SO I CAN ...

Spark Creativity
Theres an excellent Albert Einstein
quote about desks: desks=mc2?
No, thats not right. The quotes somewhere on my desk, but I cant find it
amid all this clutter. I probably should
dump it all into the trash, but a sloppy
desk has its virtues. A University of
Minnesota study split participants
into two rooms (one tidy, the other
messy) and asked each group to come
up with different uses for Ping-Pong
balls. The ideas from the messy room
were rated as more interesting and
creative when evaluated by impartial
judges, according to the study, published in Psychological Science. While
orderly environments encouraged
playing it safe, concludes Kathleen
Vohs, one of the studys authors,
disorderly environments seem to inspire breaking free of tradition, which
can produce fresh insights. Being in
a messy room led to something that
firms, industries, and societies want
more of: creativity. Oh, heres that
Einstein quote. I was sitting on it: If
a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered

P ROP STYLIST: JOJO LI FOR HELLO A RTI STS. OK VASE SET COURTESY TARG E T.COM

I NEVER MAKE MY BED SO I CAN ...

READERS DIGEST

mind, of what, then, is an empty desk

a sign? I think Ill keep this quote
under my butt where I can find it.
IM A LAZY BUM SO I CAN ...

Boost My Mood
We all know the value of exercise:
You get big muscles so you can pop
the lids off pickle jars without running them under hot water. But when
it comes to mental health, doing
nothing has a lot going for it. Its
long been recognized, by everyone
from the Buddha to John Keats, that
doing can be a kind of compulsion,
an addiction we only fail to acknowledge as such because society praises
us for it, wrote Oliver Burkeman
in the Guardian. Indeed, learning
how to do nothing might be the most
vital skill for thriving in our frenetic,
overwhelmed, always-connected
culture. Im a willing student! Especially because relaxation confers so
many health benefits. The Mayo
Clinic says relaxation techniques can
lower blood pressure, reduce muscle
tension, improve concentration and
mood, and increase blood flow to
major muscles, like the ones I use
to lower myself onto the couch.

pointed to his pants and said, These

jeans are maybe a year old and have
yet to see a washing machine. I know
that sounds totally disgusting. Not
to me! Like Bergh, I never wash my
jeans. Hot water and detergent make
denim fade and quicken its demise.
Raw denim is best given a good
six months before washing, advises
British jeans manufacturer Hiut
Denim. The longer you can leave
it, the better your jeans will look.
Slate.com was slightly grossed out
by this practice, so it asked Rachel
McQueen, a professor of human ecology at the University of Alberta in
Canada, how sanitary this was. While
bacteria, sweat, and skin cells get
transferred to clothes via the body,
skin microorganisms are generally
not hazardous to ourselves, she told
the site. Of course, Eau de Unwashed
Jeans is not a fragrance Chanel will
be marketing anytime soon. Bergh
recommends spot cleaning jeans with
a sponge or a toothbrush and a bit of
detergent, then air-drying.

MY JEANS GO
UNWASHED SO I CAN ...

Make Them Last

Longer
Addressing a Fortune magazine
conference on the environment,
Levi Strauss CEO Chip Bergh
rd.com

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33

FOOD

Genius Uses for Your

Microwave
BY KELSEY KLOSS

COOK CRISPIER BACON Place a

bowl upside down on a plate. Drape
bacon strips over the bowl, then
microwave for one minute for each
slice of bacon you are heating. As
grease drips onto the plate, the bacon will get mouthwateringly crispy.
FROTH MILK Skip the expensive
cappuccino machine. Pour milk
into a Mason jar, no more than half
full (to leave room for foam). Screw
on the lid, and vigorously shake for
30 to 60 seconds. The milk will turn
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to froth. Remove the lid, and microwave for 30 seconds so the foam
rises. Pour into your favorite coffee.
CONCOCT FRENCH TOAST Care
for a five-minute brunch? Rub a pat
of butter on the bottom of a mug; fill
it to the top with chopped bread. In
a separate cup, mix one egg, three
tablespoons of milk, and a sprinkle of
cinnamon. Pour the mixture into the
mug, and microwave for one minute.
FLAVOR BUTTER Try a twist on
classic bread and butter. Microwave
one stick of cubed, unsalted butter
for 30-second intervals, until melted.
Add a pinch of salt and fresh leaves
of herbs such as thyme, sage, or rosemary. Continue heating in 30-second
intervals until fragrant. Drizzle it on
bread for an earthy, savory flavor.
Sources: everydaylife.globalpost.com; onegoodthingbyjillee
.com; thekitchn.com; prettyprudent.com; foodnetwork.com

PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST

P ROP STYLIST: JOJO LI FOR HELLO A RTI STS

OUTSMART ONIONS To avoid

crying when chopping, wash an
onion, trim its ends, and microwave
for 30 seconds before cutting. You
tear up because the knife damages
the onions cells, releasing sulfuric
gas that irritates the eyes. Heating
the onion first breaks apart enzymes
that trigger the gas release.

ah
ea
d

al
he

th
yh
ear
ts

for adve

es
r
ntu

Keep up with the life you love.

100% whole grain Quaker Oats can help reduce
cholesterol as part of a heart healthy diet.*

FOOD

Foods That
Trick Your Taste Buds
BY KELSEY KLOSS

Salt

SWEETEN WATER

A chemical in the vegetable

called cynarin latches on to
sweet receptors on your
tongue without activating them. If you drink
water after eating
artichokes, the
cynarin molecules
wash away from
the receptors.
This sudden
release
simulates a
sensation of
sweetness,
though its only
a phantom taste.

Yogurt
HAMPERS CHOCOLATE

Yogurt has an acidic pH (4),

and when basic chocolate compounds enter this acidic environment, they dissolve and lose
their characteristic flavor. The
same loss in taste occurs if you
bite into chocolate after eating
yogurtthough your salivas
pH slightly buffers the effect.
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BLOCKS GRAPEFRUITS
TARTNESS

It may sound unpalatable,

but salting grapefruit
sweetens it. The fruit
has both bitter
and sweet
compounds.
Salt blocks
the bitter
compounds,
allowing
sweet flavors
to be more
detectable.

Pine Nuts
CAUSE METAL
MOUTH

In what has been

dubbed as pine mouth
by the FDA, certain people
may experience a consistent
metallic taste within 12 to
48 hours of consuming pine
nuts, found in pesto and
many salads. Though the
reason is unclear, it can happen to those who have never
had an adverse reaction. It is
PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST

P ROP STYLIST: JOJO LI FOR HELLO A RTI STS

Artichokes

not an allergy and does not involve

mold, and it doesnt matter how
many pine nuts are consumed.
Sugar may enhance the bitterness.
The FDA advises people to report
cases of pine mouth, but it is not
considered dangerous.

Vinaigrette
THROWS WINE OFF-KILTER

Salad is difficult to pair with wine

because your taste buds adapt to the
sourness of vinaigrette. After eating
it, you will be able to detect only
sourness thats higher in concentration than that of the dressing. Many
wines depend on a delicate balance
of sweet and sour, but after your
taste buds adapt to vinaigrette, you

will taste only a seemingly overbearing sweetness in the wine.

Stevia
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stevia triggers sweet and bitter receptors. This could leave you with a bitter taste if you add too much stevia
to, say, your cup of coffee. Some peoples genetics may make them more
prone to a long-lasting aftertaste.
Sources: John Hayes, an associate professor and director
of the Sensory Evaluation Center at Penn State University;
Devin Peterson, director of the Flavor Research and
Education Center at University of Minnesota; bbc.com;
winefolly.com; jeffersondentalclinics.com; ilri.org; latimes
.com; businessinsider.com; news.psu.edu

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TECH

Picture This

Use your smartphones camera to snap:

YOUR RX BOTTLES AND
VITAMINS TOGETHER so

youll have all medication

information handy when you
go to the doctor or an ER.
A PLANT OR FLOWER
YOU LIKE. Show the picture

LOCATION SIGNS in a
parking lot so you can find
your way back.
YOUR WALLET, opened
just enough to show whats
missing if its stolen.

to the staff at your local

nursery.

A RECIPES INGREDIENTS
LIST, so you can double-

YOU ARE HERE MAPS

check what you need while

grocery shopping.

at malls, parks, and subways. Youll have a portable

map as you keep walking.

YOUR LICENSE PLATE.

You may need it for hotel

parking or at the DMV.

it to a friend whos running

late to dinner.

YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE

CARDS, DRIVERS LICENSE,
AND PASSPORT to have

YOURSELF WEARING
DIFFERENT OUTFITS in

on hand in emergencies.
To password-protect important photos, download an
app like Folder Lock or Hide
It Pro.

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HEALTH

Urine
Trouble
BY S USA N I N C E

*Name has been changed.

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I would sometimes see blood in my

urine, Trent recalls.
We tend to think of UTIs as a
young womens problem, but many
womenand menwho have never
or rarely been troubled can become
prone at midlife. Understanding how
your age changes your risk and the
best approaches to treatment can
bring life-changing relief.

Surprise Sufferers: Men

UTIs are extremely uncommon in
young males. So it can come as
PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST

P ROP STYLIST: JOJO LI FOR HELLO A RTI STS

LIKE MANY WOMEN,

Katherine Trent* of Austin,

Texas, had to deal with an occasional urinary tract infection
(UTI) when she was younger.
Symptoms were obvious (pain,
burning, and a persistent need to
urinate) and easy enough to clear
up with antibiotics. But once Trent
entered her late 60s, the sporadic
UTIs of her earlier years suddenly
returnedand wouldnt go away.
Within a few days of one infection
easing, another round of symptoms
would start. This cycle continued,
getting progressively worse over
the course of five years. I could tell
when one was coming on. My bladder
would feel irritated. I went to the
bathroom frequently, and it was
painful. If I couldnt get to a doctor
or a walk-in clinic within 24 hours,

a nasty surprise when men get one

compounds and limiting the ability of
for the first time in their 50s, often
infection-causing microbes to invade
because of an enlarged prostate.
tissues. As estrogen levels decrease
The prostate surrounds the
during menopause, the germ-fighting
urethrathe tube from the bladder
capability and physical barrier of
through the penislike a doughnut,
the urinary tract weaken and the mix
says Neil Baum, MD, an associate
of bacteria in the vagina changesall
clinical professor of urology at Tulane
of which can increase the odds of
University School of
developing UTIs.
Medicine in Louisiana.
Antibiotics treat
A growing prostate
acute infections, but
Changes in the other treatments may
compresses the urethra,
causing a weak urine
immune system be necessary to prevent
stream, the need to
recurrences. In 2013,
make seniors
pee frequently, and
Swedish researchers
a dribble after a void.
likely to become reported that a few
If the bladder doesnt
of topical
delirious when weeks
completely empty, the
estrogen treatment in
they have a UTI. postmenopausal
reservoir of urine can
become infected.
women strengthened
Some 5 to 10 percent
the urinary tract wall,
of men who have an enlarged
making it less prone to infection.
prostate experience repeat UTIs,
Trents urologist suggested that she
apply a prescription estrogen cream
says Dr. Baum. Medication can relax
to the vaginal area every day for a few
muscles in the gland or shrink it
weeks and then follow a less frequent
so urine can pass easily. Minimally
regimen. The urologist also supported
invasive procedures to relieve blockTrents idea to use vaginal suppositoage or pressure can also help.
ries containing probiotics (see Cut
Your Infection Risk, page 46). Trent
Why Women Get Worse
hasnt had a UTI in 18 months, and
While blocked pipes can cause an
upswing in UTIs in men, weakened
last summer she spent a month in
pipe liningsa result of menopause Londona vacation she would not
contribute to womens increased risk. have been able to fully enjoy while
This was a factor in Katherine Trents
UTIs were controlling her life.
repeated infections.
If you start experiencing UTIs out
Prior to menopause, estrogen keeps of nowhere, your doctor will want
the lining of the urinary tract thick
to rule out other issues. If standard
and healthy, producing germ-killing
treatments fail, we check for stones
rd.com

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45

H E A LT H

in the bladder or kidneys, says

Elizabeth Mobley, MD, of the Urology
Team in Austin, Texas. If you have
poorly controlled diabetes, UTIs hang
around longer, since bacteria feed off
sugars that spill into the urine.

The Scariest Symptom:

Delirium
Two years ago, when Meredith
Channing made her daily phone
call from Hawaii to her elderly mom
in the Midwest, she knew something
had gone dramatically wrong.
One day, she was happy; the next,
she was nasty, paranoid, and totally

off her rocker, Channing says. She

was telling me that the neighbors
were stealing from her and something had entered her apartment and
moved her sewing machine.
Others in Channings shoes might
have panicked and suspected dementia, but Channing knew better. While
she was caring for her mother-in-law
several years earlier, the older woman
had developed two UTIs and become
confused and suspicious during both
infections. You can really mistake the
symptoms for insanity or dementia
and think that its time to ramp up the
home care or consider a nursing

CUT YOUR INFECTION RISK

Boost good bacteria. Small studies have found that women with repeat
UTIs are less likely to get another if they use vaginal suppositories with the
probiotic lactobacillus, which balances good and bad bacteria.
Drink cranberry juice. In a 2012 meta-analysis, cranberry juice and
supplements reduced repeat UTIs.
Wipe the way Mom taught you. The most common UTI-causing germs
are E. coli bacteria from the gastrointestinal tract, so wipe from front to
back to avoid moving the bugs closer to your urinary tract.
Excuse yourself after intercourse. Peeing after sex gives bacteria less
chance to enter the urinary tract.
Drink lots of water. When you urinate, bacteria are flushed from the
urinary tract, so drink enough to go regularly, especially if you have
incontinence. Those prone to leakage often restrict fluids to prevent
accidents, but this is a recipe for infection.

46

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H E A LT H

home. The most wonderful thing

about resolving a UTI is that the
person can become herself again,
says Channing.
Channing asked for her mom to be
tested even though she had no typical
symptoms. Sure enough, she had an
infection. With treatment, she was
back to normal in two days.
Seniors may be more likely to
become delirious when they fight
a condition such as a UTI or pneumonia because of changes in the
immune system, explains Timothy
Girard, MD, an assistant professor of
medicine at Vanderbilt University in
Nashville, Tennessee. Many older
adults dont have the usual symptoms. If you suspect a loved one
might have a UTI because of changes
in her behavior, get her tested, urges
Dr. Girard. Prompt treatment can
help avoid delirium, sepsis, and kidney failure, he says.

Hospitals: A Danger Zone

Up to 25 percent of all hospitalized
patients receive a urinary catheter,
significantly raising the risk of a UTI

which sufferers very commonly

acquire at a health-care facility.
Germs can enter this slim tube, which
drains fluid from the bladder, if the
device is inserted incorrectly, not
kept clean, or left in too long.
If youre hospitalized, ask every
day whether you still need a catheter.
If the medical staff says yes, ask why.
Making care more convenient isnt a
good enough reason if there are other
options, such as using a bedside
commode. Walk around as soon as
possible after surgery to speed recovery and shorten your catheter time.
Speak up if anyone starts to adjust
the catheter without first washing his
hands or if you see that the tubing is
kinked or the bag is positioned above
the patients abdomen. Keeping it
low helps prevent urine from backing up, says Lona Mody, MD, a professor of internal medicine at the
University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.
This advice is also important if a
loved one has been transferred to
a nursing home, where patients with
a catheter are at double the risk of
developing a UTI.

THE QUIETEST SQUARE INCH IN AMERICA

Its in Olympic National Park, in Washington, according to acoustic
ecologist Gordon Hempton. The inch can go 20 minutes
without picking up a single human-made sound, making it
quieter than most recording studios.
Source: outsideonline.com

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HEALTH

These simple moves can reveal hidden

problems to ask your MD about

A Lifesaving At-Home
Checkup
BY JESS IC A C ASS ITY

BALANCE ON
ONE LEG

Hold for up to 60 seconds. If you wobble

early, you may be at
higher risk for brain
decline. In a Japanese
study, 30 percent
of older adults who
could balance for
only 20 seconds or
fewer had microbleeds in the brain,
an early indication
of risk for stroke or
dementia. These microbleeds can affect
balance, memory,
and decision making.
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TOUCH YOUR
TOES

Sit with your spine

straight, then lean forward and try to touch
your toes. Not even
close? You might be
at risk for cardiovascular problems. By using
this test, University of
North Texas researchers
found that inflexible
folks had less-elastic
arteries than those who
were more lithe. Stiff
arteries mean the heart
has to work harder,
raising the risk of heart
attack or stroke.

SITTING TO
STANDING

Time how long it takes

to lift and lower yourself from a chair ten
times as fast as you can.
Middle-aged adults who
did ten reps in 21 seconds or fewer were less
likely to die over the
next 13 years than
those who took longer.
The test requires muscle strength, balance,
and cardiorespiratory
fitness; being slow
could indicate underlying disease before
symptoms arise.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRIS PHILPOT

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HEALTH

Seeing My Diagnosis
Differently

AS I WAS finishing my freshman year at Vanderbilt University, I joined my parents in an Italian restaurant, celebrating
the completion of my first year of premedical studies.
My father was blissfully breathing in the steam from his
ravioli in lobster cream sauce as my mother prepared to dig
in to a plate of basil penne pasta with spicy meatballs. I lifted
a forkful of manicotti, about to describe how hard Id studied
for finals. Then I realized that something was very wrong.
My fork had twisted itself into a bizarre shape, like something out of a Salvador Dal painting. The pasta on my plate,
too, was distorted. I looked up at my parents, at the waiter
pouring our wine. Everything was weirdly curved to one side,
as though it were being sucked into an invisible vacuum
cleaner somewhere off to my right.
We left in a hurry. My parents drove me to a local eye hospital, where I was assigned to see a retinal specialist. A middle-

MELISSA ZHU
MURPHY is

currently an
anesthesiology
resident at
Vanderbilt
University
Medical Center
in Nashville,
Tennessee.

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ILLUSTRATION BY SILJA GTZ

ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY (M URP HY)

BY MELISSA ZHU MURPHY FROM PULSE

VOICES FROM THE HEART OF MEDICINE

aged man, Dr. Essers,* greeted us

politely. Never had I felt such anxiety
while hearing familiar words: Put
your chin right here, please ... Press
your forehead up against the bar ...
Thats right; now look at my ear.
Five minutes later, Dr. Essers whistled under his breath. There it is,
he said softly. Theres a blood clot
on the back of your retina. It behaves
similarly to macular degeneration,
but it can be caused by trauma.
Macular degeneration in a healthy
20-year-old girl, occurring while eating Italian food? I said, bewildered.
Or it may be related to your myopia, he added, turning to order more
testing. Im sorry, he continued
distractedly, tapping on the computer
keys. Im afraid this means that
youll go blind within two weeks ...
I blinked a few times, making sure
I hadnt misunderstood. Using my
minimal medical knowledge, I explained the diagnosis to my parents,
still struggling to make sense of it.
The other test results were reassuring but puzzling. My retina was not
actively bleeding, so what was causing this distortion? Dr. Essers offered
no further explanation. Well continue to monitor your condition, he
said. Come back in one month.
I felt my enthusiasm for medicine
fading, replaced by doubt and suspicion about physicians, Dr. Essers
in particular. I oscillated between
worry and wild speculations.

The next day, I got a second

opinion from Dr. Smith,* a young
ophthalmologist noted for his academic and surgical accomplishments.
After examining my eyes, he rolled
his chair back, looked at me, and
said, Tell me about yourself, Melissa.
How is school? What do you study?
Well, Im premed. We had finals
the last two weeks. It was pretty
stressful Dr. Smith listened attentively. After about ten minutes, he
said, Well, from what I hear, I think
you have central serous retinopathy.
Its induced by stress, and although
its rareit occurs in only one in
100,000 femalesits more common
in young people. He found a handout. Grabbing a marker, he highlighted the prognosis: Most patients
recover without intervention. I think
youre going to be OK, he said. Ill
see you in a month. In the meantime,
try to relax, because stress is the
main cause of your condition.
After minutes of listening, Dr. Smith
had performed a medical miracle. Id
gone from imminent blindness to an
almost certain recovery.
Seven years later, as a resident in
anesthesiology, Ive never forgotten
my debt of gratitude to Dr. Smith.
He showed me the most important
instruments in every doctors toolkit:
an open mind, listening ears, and the
right words, carefully chosen.
*Names have been changed.

PULSE (OCTOBER 2, 2015), COPYRIGHT BY MELISSA ZHU MURPHY. REPRINTED COURTESY OF PULSEVOICES FROM
THE HEART OF MEDICINE, PULSEVOICES.ORG.

rd.com

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53

NEWS FROM THE

World of Medicine
BY KELSEY KLOSS

Unexpected Danger in
Operating Rooms

Why Some Smokers

Dont Get Sick

Foot traffic in a surgical space may

raise a patients risk of infection. Most
U.S. operating rooms have systems
that keep atmospheric pressure
higher than in the surrounding
corridors, which prevents germs from
entering. However, in an analysis of
200 procedures, doors were opened
frequently enough during more than
one third of the surgeries to defeat the
systems safety effects. Staff should
reduce the number of times OR doors
are opened (by ensuring the room is
stocked first, for example).

Smoking clearly raises cancer risk,

but some people appear to have
mysteriously healthy lungs after a
lifetime of lighting up. Genetic luck
may be key. After analyzing more
than 50,000 people, British researchers found certain DNA mutations enhanced lung function and lessened
smokings deadly impact. Not smoking is still (obviously) the healthiest
option, but the findings could lead to
new drugs to improve lung function.

Women who receive a false-positive

mammogram (one that
detects an abnormality that
upon further testing is found
not to be cancer) may need
to be especially diligent
about getting regular cancer
screenings. After researchers analyzed two million
mammograms, they
found patients with
false-positive results
referred for additional
imaging were 39 percent
more likelyand those
54

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PHOTOGRAPH BY ADAM VOORHES

PROP STY LIST: ROBIN FI NLAY

Lump Wasnt Cancer?

Be Vigilant Anyway

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NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF MEDICINE

referred for a biopsy, 76 percent

more likelyto develop breast cancer
in ten years than were women with
true negative results.

Downside of Being
Moms Favorite
Were you the golden child? It may
not make you happy. Purdue University and Iowa State University
researchers found that depressive
symptoms were most common in
adult children who claimed to be
closer to their mothers than their
siblings were. Sibling rivalry may play
a role (a mothers attention may not
nullify negative attention from jealous siblings), or favorites may be likelier to care for an aging mother,
which can take an emotional toll.

Working Out May Cause

Alcohol Cravings
Pennsylvania State University
researchers recruited 150 adults to
complete daily diaries on physical
activity and alcohol consumption.
Regardless of age and gender, active
folks consistently drank more than
their couch potato peers. People who
exercise may look to further a postworkout high or reward themselves
for exercising with alcohol.

A Key Reason Men Overeat

When men dine in mixed company,
they may overindulge, partly to
impress the fairer sex. Cornell University researchers observed adults
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at an all-you-can-eat Italian buffet

for two weeks, recording how much
pizza and salad each ate. Men with
at least one woman ate 93 percent
more pizza and 86 percent more
salad than men with other men. The
amount that women ate didnt differ
based on their companions gender.

Can Viagra Prevent

Diabetes?
In a recent study, 42 overweight
people with prediabetes received
either generic Viagra or a placebo.
After three months, the drug takers
were more sensitive to insulin,
meaning their risk of diabetes could
be lower, than were those in the
control group. Viagra stops an enzyme from breaking down chemicals
that increase insulin sensitivity. Researchers say the drug could potentially help treat metabolic disorders.

Lifetime Perk of Being Fit

Exercised regularly in your 20s? It
will likely pay off. A JAMA Internal
Medicine study analyzed data of
4,800 participants, beginning in
1985. The longer someone could
perform on a treadmill test as a
young adult, the less likely he or she
was to die of any cause, including
heart disease and cancer, in 25 years.
Consistency was important: When
participants were tested seven years
after the study started, every minute
of decrease in treadmill time raised
mortality risk 21 percent.

0854494003-097741

ALL IN

A Days Work
THE OPTIMIST
Thinking of asking the boss for a raise? Heed this lesson from Dilbert.

From Optimism Sounds Exhausting (Andrews McMeel) by Scott Adams

A WOMAN CALLED our airline

customer-service desk asking if she

could take her dog on board.
Sure, I said, as long as you provide your own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be
large enough for the dog to stand up,
sit down, turn around, and roll over.
The customer was flummoxed:
Ill never be able to teach him all of
that by tomorrow!
From gcfl.net
JUST BEFORE the final exam in
my college finance class, a less-thanstellar student approached me.
Can you tell me what grade
I would need to get on the exam
58

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to pass the course? he asked.

I gave him the bad news. The
exam is worth 100 points. You would
need 113 points to earn a D.
OK, he said. And how many
points would I need to get a C?
AIMEE PRAWITZ, S y c a m o r e , I l l i n o i s

DONT GET UPSET if I ask you

where something is in Target when
you choose to wear a red shirt and
khakis to shop.
Hu m o r i s t REID KERR
CLIENT TO DESIGNER: It doesnt
really look purple. It looks more like
a mixture of red and blue.
Source: clientsfromhell.net

IF SLOGANS for your favorite brands

were honest, theyd look like these:

Hallmark: When you care enough
to give a card mass-produced by
a corporation.
Ritz crackers: Tiny, edible plates.
CliffsNotes: Theyre still going to
know you didnt read the book.
Gillette: Were just going to keep
adding blades.
ChapStick: Youll misplace it before
the tubes empty.
Hot Pockets: Every bite is a different
temperature.
Source: honestslogans.com

MY SISTER-IN-LAW was teaching

Sunday school class. The topic for
the day: Easter Sunday and the
resurrection of Christ.
What did Jesus do on this day?
she asked. There was no response,
so she gave her students a hint:
It starts with the letter R.
One boy blurted, Recycle!
MARI-LYNN FINLEY, L o s An g e l e s , C a l i f o r n i a

You can buy lots of Easter Peeps with the

money youll get if we run your work
story. Go to rd.com/submit for details.

GETTY I MAGES

A POLITICIAN APPLIES FOR A

JOB AT MCDONALDS
I am here to announce my application for the position
of line cook at this McDonalds location. Let me take
a moment to introduce myself. First and foremost,
I am a fast-food outsider: I have never set foot in one
of these places. What that means is, I wont accept
business as usual. I will ask questions. Why do we
need to empty the grease trap? How does the cash
register work? What is the maximum holding time
for a pan of chicken patties?
What I bring to the table is a commonsense, home
cooks approach to making hamburgers. We dont need
volumes of market research to tell us how to cook a Big Mac.
All we need is a hot griddle and old-fashioned American knowhow. Also, we will eventually need a bun and toppings.
Our grandparents didnt need fancy timers and thermometers
to tell them when their food was cooked. They didnt worry about egghead concepts like maximum customer waiting time or salmonella. That was a simpler
time, and I believe we can still go back to that simpler time.
I am ready to roll up my sleeves, put on a hairnet and nonskid shoes, and get to
work. But I cant do it without your support. Thats why Im asking you to hire me
as your new weekday line cook, except Thursdays, when Ive got this other thing,
and also I need next week off.
BEN GODAR, on splitsider.com
rd.com

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59

Is your

BLADDER
calling the shots?

Talk to your doctor about Myrbetriq (mirabegron),

approved by the FDA to treat overactive bladder
(OAB) symptoms of:

Urgency

Frequency

Leakage

In clinical trials, those taking Myrbetriq made fewer trips to the bathroom
and had fewer leaks than those not taking Myrbetriq. Your results may vary.

TAKING CHARGE OF YOUR OAB SYMPTOMS

STARTS WITH TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR.
Visit Myrbetriq.com for doctor discussion tips. Ask your
doctor if Myrbetriq may be right for you, and see if you can
get your rst prescription at no cost.*
*Subject to eligibility. Restrictions may apply.

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

Myrbetriq is not for everyone. Do not use Myrbetriq if you have an allergy to
mirabegron or any ingredients in Myrbetriq.
Please see additional Important Safety Information on next page.

USE OF MYRBETRIQ (meer-BEH-trick)

Myrbetriq (mirabegron) is a prescription medicine for adults used to treat
overactive bladder (OAB) with symptoms of urgency, frequency and leakage.

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION (continued)

Myrbetriq may cause your blood pressure to increase or make your blood
pressure worse if you have a history of high blood pressure. It is recommended
that your doctor check your blood pressure while you are taking Myrbetriq.
Myrbetriq may increase your chances of not being able to empty your bladder.
Tell your doctor right away if you have trouble emptying your bladder or you have
a weak urine stream.
Myrbetriq may cause allergic reactions that may be serious. If you experience
swelling of the face, lips, throat or tongue, with or without difculty breathing,
stop taking Myrbetriq and tell your doctor right away.
Tell your doctor about all the medicines you take including medications for
overactive bladder or other medicines such as thioridazine (Mellaril and
Mellaril-S), ecainide (Tambocor), propafenone (Rythmol), digoxin (Lanoxin).
Myrbetriq may affect the way other medicines work, and other medicines may
affect how Myrbetriq works.
Before taking Myrbetriq, tell your doctor if you have liver or kidney problems.
In clinical studies, the most common side effects seen with Myrbetriq included
increased blood pressure, common cold symptoms (nasopharyngitis), urinary
tract infection and headache.
For further information, please talk to your healthcare professional and
see Brief Summary of Prescribing Information for Myrbetriq (mirabegron)
on the following pages.
You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs
to the FDA. Visit www.fda.gov/medwatch or call 1-800-FDA-1088.

Myrbetriq is a registered trademark of Astellas Pharma Inc.

All other trademarks or registered trademarks are the property of their respective owners.
2015 Astellas Pharma US, Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in USA. 057-0586-PM

Myrbetriq (mirabegron) extended-release tablets 25 mg, 50 mg

Brief Summary based on FDA-approved patient labeling
Read the Patient Information that comes with Myrbetriq (mirabegron) before you start taking it and
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30

LIFE IN THESE UNITED STATES

Funny Fam
Ha!

Our humor editor,

Andy Simmons,
takes his daughter,
Quinn, out for
dessert.

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PHOTOGRAPHS BY
ERIN PATRICE OBRIEN

mily Stories
You cant choose your
relativesbut you can
choose to laugh at them

As that paragon of fatherhood Homer Simpson once told his

brood, Remember, as far as anyone knows, were a nice,
normal family. Then again, weve never met a normal family.
With that in mind, we invited readers to share hilarious
stories about their kith and kin with the chance to win a
$500 grand prize. After sifting through the many anecdotes,
we can honestly say each family is uniquely eccentric.

Bloody Awful
When my five-year-old daughter came
down with a virus, I took her to the
doctors office. Holding her hands, I
explained the sad facts: The doctor
is now going to draw some blood.
Calmly and stoically, she responded,
Whose?
FAYE HINTZ, G l e n d o ra , C a l i f o r n i a

Hung Jury
After painting the bedroom walls, my
husband prepared to put back the pictures. How should I hang them? he
asked me. Too high or too low?
NANCY SETTER, Tu l s a , O k l a h o m a

Fine, she said. They want me to

come back tomorrow.
SHIRLEY SPRAGUE, C o n c o rd , C a l i f o r n i a

The Gutter Truth

Although my daughter wasnt much
of a bowler, when her friends bowling
team was down a player, my daughter
agreed to fill in. So howd you do?
I asked a few days later.
She rattled off her scores: One
sixty, one sixty-seven, and one fiftyfive.
Wow! Thats great.
No! One game sixty, one sixtyseven, one fifty-five.
RUTH SAARELA, G a rd e n C i t y , Mi c h i g a n

Pooped Out
Upon being reminded to use the toilet
after waking up, my four-year-old was
thoroughly dismayed: You mean Im
going to have to go potty every day for
the rest of my life?!
PENELOPE INAN, Pa l m d a l e , C a l i f o r n i a

Harvard, Here I Come!

How was your first day of school?
I asked my kindergartner.
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Little Einstein
Were not sure how it happened, but
my three-year-old nephew James got
his tricycle stuck under another bicycles tire and gear mechanism. My
four-year-old kid, Rowan, watched him
patiently and painstakingly extricate
the trike, then turned around to us and
declared, Hims a genius!
B. O., Mo n t c l a i r, Ne w Je r s e y

WARDROBE STYLIST: ELYSHA LENKIN; PROP STYLIST: SARAH GUIDO-LAAKSO FOR HALLEY RESOURCES;
GROOMING: AMY KLEWITZ AND C HRI STI NE HERBECK. PREVI OUS SP READ: TROPICAL TOIL E D RE SS COU RTE SY JOHNNIE B .

F U N N Y F A M I LY S T O R I E S

Doh!

The Hulls hold

Jonathan back
from joining
the circus.

F U N N Y F A M I LY S T O R I E S

During Thanksgiving dinner, my

young niece Mackenzie started fiddling with my fathers wedding band.
Dad said, That never comes off. You
know why? Because I love your nana.
Thats when Mackenzie informed
him, Nana takes hers off.
ELIZABETH VELDBOOM,

Ne w B ra u n f e l s , Te x a s

And on the Seventh Day,

He Got Paid
In church, my three-year-old insists
on being the one to put the money
into the collection basket. One Sunday, as the basket came toward him,
he held out the envelope and asked
aloud, When is God coming to pick
up his paycheck?
CHRIS ALLEN, S t . L o u i s , Mi s s o u r i

Hear No Evil
It was a typical noisy dinner at my
parents home, and Dad was having
trouble following the conversations.
He kept jumping in with off-topic
comments and asking for things to be
repeated. I finally told him he needed
to get a hearing aid.
Looking at me as if I were crazy, he
said, What would I do with a hand
grenade?
PAT TORNATORE, S t . L o u i s , Mi s s o u r i

Mystery Man
My ex-husband hosted a graduation
party for our son that included his
new family and mine. My confused
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nephew wondered who was my sons

father. When I pointed him out, he
asked, Do you know him?
LAURIE STRAND, Ve r n o n Hi l l s , I l l i n o i s

Blow Out the Pipes

I take after my father in the sense
that we both have proud, prodigious
noses. Anyway, one morning, following a night of tossing and turning,
I sat on the side of the bed. Whats
wrong? my husband asked.
I cant sleep, I said. My nose is so
stuffed up.
My loving man got out of bed and
said, Let me go get the plunger.
LISA BOUDREAU, Yo r kv i l l e , I l l i n o i s

Listen to Reason
Can you play with me? my preschooler asked.
Not now, I said. I have too much
work to do around the house.
Taking my hand, and with the
wisdom of one who has lived many
a lifetime, he said, Mom, I have
advice for you. When people tell me to
do work, I dont listen to them. Then
I dont have work to do. It works for
me. You should try it.
A. CALDWELL, Fa r m i n g t o n , Ne w Me x i c o

Yeah, Hes Always There

We ran into our minister at the mall,
but my son couldnt place him. It
was only later that it hit him. I know
that man, he said. He goes to our
church.
CHARLES STOCKHAUSEN, S t . L o u i s , Mi s s o u r i

P REVIOUS PAGE: HOODED JUMP ER COURTESY M INI BODEN; A DELAI DE BABY

DRESS BIRDS AND BERRIES PI NK COURTESY WINTER WATER FACTORY

Lets Rat Out Grandma

Book Him
A book Id ordered arrived in the mail.
I unwrapped it and flipped through its
pages. My 21-year-old son, Sean, was
at the other end of the table, gesturing as if he wanted to see the book.
I started to hand it to him, when he
stopped me.
No, Ill take the trash, Sean said.
What would I do with a book?

Hee!

Did you hear the

one about , says
comedian
Beck.

MARY KELLEY, G i l l e t t e , W y o m i n g

COSY LINED TROUSER COURTESY BABY BODEN; S HI RT COURTESY S PLEND ID L ITTL E S

Over and Out

When her six-year-old daughter
and four-year-old son ran outside
to play with their new toy, my sister
sat back to enjoy a cup of coffee and
a rare moment of quiet. The peace
was shattered when my nephew ran
back into the house, crying.
Whats wrong? my sister asked.
She wont stop calling me Roger!
he sobbed, and threw down his new
walkie-talkie.
MELISSA JOHNSON, Jo h n s o n C i t y , Te n n e s s e e

Thats My Girl!
Herein lies the difference in my kids
personalities: My teenage son bought
me a beautiful necklace; my daughter
called dibs on it when I die.
JENNI PHOMSITHI, B e l l e v i l l e , Ar k a n s a s

Driven to Distraction
My mother and father were driving when she was pulled over by the
police. Mom was in a hurry and told
the officer so.
I understand, maam, he said.

But I have to ticket anyone over 55.

Mom was beside herself. Thats
discrimination! she shouted.
The officer calmly explained,
I meant the speed limit.
TAMARA ENCKE, Ho l l a d a y , Ut a h

The Anatomy Lesson

Great hoopla followed my newborn
sons umbilical cords falling off. So
it was only natural that during one of
his diaper changes, his eight-year-old
sister would point and ask excitedly,
Will that fall off too?
SUSAN WISE, C a m p b e l l s v i l l e , Ke n t u c k y

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69

Honk!

says RD editor
Courtenay Smiths
daughter,
Angela.

READERS DIGEST

RAIN BOW TOP COURTESY BABYGA P; BALLA ABSTRAC T BABY LEGGIN G COU RTE SY TE A COL L E CTION

Careful What You

Wish For
My son and his wife were determined
to have a boy, and two years after their
fourth daughter, Bridgette, was born,
Trey arrived. When he was six, Trey
complained to Bridgette that he had
no one to play with and wished she
were a boy.
Youd better be glad Im not a boy,
she told him. Because if I was a boy,
my name would be Trey, and you
wouldnt be here.
BETTIE CASHION, P i c a y u n e , Mi s s i s s i p p i

Stable Relationship
We had just pulled up to the pig farm
when my aunt bolted out the front
door of her home to greet us. After
the hugs and kisses, Dad asked about
my uncle.
Hes in the barn with the pigs, she
said. Dont worry; you wont have
any trouble finding him. Hes the only
one with a hat on.
MONIQUE LAPERLE, B u r l i n g t o n , Ve r m o n t

Good Question
Having absorbed the birds-and-thebees discussion, my sisters young son
asked, Is that how we were born?
Yes, it is, she said.
He took it all in for a second, then,
pointing to his father across the room,
asked, Whered we get him?
KATHLEEN OHARA, v i a e - m a i l

Oh, Deer
One year, the family went to the
Radio City Music Hall Christmas
Spectacular. The Rockettes represented reindeer by wearing headband antlers. At the end of the show,
I asked my husband, a biologist, what
he thought.
The antlers were wrong, he said.
What? I asked incredulously.
Reindeer have palmate antlers.
Those were white-tailed bucks
antlers.
I knew he wasnt kidding. I just
couldnt believe he hadnt noticed
anything below the antlers.
SANDY FEINSTEIN, S i l v e r S p r i n g , Ma r y l a n d

Better Than Milk

I walked into our family room just
in time to see our kitten standing on
a side table, sniffing my husbands
wineglass. Get down! I yelled.
As she jumped away, I turned to my
husband and son: Ive never seen her
do that.
My son shrugged. Really? We
watch her drink out of your glass all
the time.
REBECCA PERVERE, Fa i r f i e l d , C o n n e c t i c u t

Awkward ...
So I understand how a baby can look
like its mother, my nine-year-old son
told the school nurse. But how can it
look like its father?
Unsure how much he knew about
where babies come from, she deflected.
Thats a good question, she said. So
who do you look like?
My uncle.
PENNY GREGORY, R i c h m o n d Hi l l , G e o r g i a

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71

F U N N Y F A M I LY S T O R I E S

Hair Apparent

With a Side of Argument

Pointing to a 30-year-old picture of

me, my five-year-old granddaughter
said, Grandpa, next time you get
a haircut, have them cut it like that
picture.
Problem is, I wasnt half bald then.

We were in a restaurant, perusing

the menu, when I let my husband
know that he rarely paid attention to
me when I spoke. Well, of course he
disagreed, so we went back to reading our menus in chilly silence. After
a few uncomfortable minutes, I said,
I think Im getting a headache.
He responded, Go ahead, sweetheart; get whatever you want.

ALLEN JOCHIM,

Spearfish, South Dakota

Seeing Is Believing
After my mother suffered a bout of
serious headaches, we persuaded her
to visit her doctor. While we were in
his office, the doctor asked, Have
you been seeing any flashes of lights
or auras?
I dont know, Mom said. I didnt
have my glasses on.
JUDY KELLEY, C o n w a y , Ar k a n s a s

Oh, Fudge
We were driving to dinner when my
five-year-old shouted, Guess what! I
know the F-word!
Saying to myself, Now it starts, I
asked him what it was.
He proudly announced, Phonics!
STACY STEVENSON, Tu c s o n , Ar i z o n a

Save the Snoozing

For Class
My brother was trying to awaken his
son for school one day, but the boy
wouldnt budge. Gimme a minute,
he said. Im watching previews for
tomorrows dream.
KIMBERLEE WOODWARD,

Wa t e r f o rd , Mi c h i g a n

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ANGEL SALAMANCA, v i a e - m a i l

Whatta Pistil
Our daughter-in-law was telling her
three-year-old about the brain surgery
he had had when he was an infant.
Why did I have to have the operation? he asked.
Because you had something growing in your head, she answered.
His next question: Was it a flower?
MARILYN LINDBERG, P r o v i d e n c e , Ut a h

Gee, Thanks ...

Just as I got out of the shower, my
three-year-old son walked into the
bathroom. As I frantically grabbed for
my robe, he quickly assured me, Its
OK, Mom; I wont laugh.
ELLA ROBBINS,

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

Checked Out
Mail from the bank was piling up for
my daughter, who was away at college.
So I called her. Open one up and see
what it is, she said.
I unsealed an envelope. It says

READERS DIGEST

your account has insufficient funds.

Thats got to be a mistake, she
said. I still have plenty of checks left.

I dont know, I told him.

When will you decide?
CINDY FORISH, R e d O a k , Te x a s

PATTY HAPPY, G ra n v i l l e , Ne w Yo r k

Why, Yes. Yes, You Do

No. 1 on the Naughty List

Seven-year-old Lily is very polite. So
as her grandparents, we let her know
just how proud of her we were. She
smiled gratefully and said, Thats
OK; Im just trying to get
through Christmas.
NATHAN DUNAWAY,

Ma d i s o n , Mi s s i s s i p p i

Dr. Hubby
Mom had a small decorative windmill in her
yard. A storm broke
one of the blades,
causing the windmill
to shake violently.
Dad announced that
he would take care of
it and rebalanced the
windmill by snapping
off the opposing blade.
Watching him, Mom
rema rke d , I h o p e
I never break a leg.
GERALD LOFFREDO,

C h a n d l e r, Ar i z o n a

Flip a Coin
Are you going to have
a boy or girl? my fouryear-old nephew asked
while staring at my
pregnant stomach.

Once, when my mother asked me

if she had any annoying habits, I
observed that she typically follows
up statements with a question asking for validation. She thought a
moment and then admitted,
I do do that. Dont I?

Grand
Prize
Winner

BILL SPENCER,

Cullowhee, North Carolina

Deep Thoughts

It was autumn, and the

leaves were at their
colorful best. My fourFor the second week in
year-old son looked
a row, my son and I
out the window and
were the only ones who
said, Look, Mom; the
showed up for his
trees have their pajasoccer teams practice.
mas on.
Frustrated, I told him,
Please tell your coach
that we keep coming
for practice but no one
is ever here.
My son rolled his
eyes and said, Hell
just tell me the same
thing he did before.
Which was?
That practice is
now on Wednesdays,
not Tuesdays.
ANNETTE OLSEN,

L a y t o n , Ut a h

BETTY CHILDRESS,

G ra n d R a p i d s , Mi c h i g a n

Wherefore Art
Thou?
My g ra n d d a u g h t e r
loves my Chihuahua
puppy so much, she
asked, When you die,
can I have Romeo?
Of course, I said.
She was thrilled.
Oh, I cant wait!
BARBARA CORREY,

Wo o d b u r y , Te n n e s s e e

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EXTRAORDINARY PEOPLE

Angel Flight has taught

Larry Camerlin, above,
to be grateful for who
we have in our lives
as opposed to what
we have.

Heroes who make a difference

in our darkest hours

Angels
in
America
REP O RTE D BY AM Y PATUREL
PHOTOGRAPHS BY RON HAVIV/VII

THE GIFT OF FLIGHT

arry Camerlin knows what desperation sounds like.

Each week, his small Massachusetts office answers
dozens of frantic phone calls from families of very
sick people who hope Larry and his team can help.
What they need are flightsto a liver or kidney transplant, to receive ongoing chemotherapy and radiation,
or to treat severe burns or other crippling diseases at
medical centers far away from home.
As the founder of Angel Flight Northeast, a group
that connects patients in need with volunteer pilots
who shepherd them, Larry, 68, has never turned away
a request.
People come to us at some of the most frightening times of their livestheyre running out of money,
out of time, and out of faith, says Larry, who pilots
some trips himself while also overseeing scheduling,
fund-raising, and other administrative responsibilities.
We help replace that fear with tremendous healing
and hope.
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ANGELS IN AMERICA

Larry, a father of four and grand- kids so badly hurt. Not every journey,
father of six, has spent his entire ca- of course, has a storybook ending.
reer providing hope during trauma. Larry had been flying a boy with a
He and his wife, Ruth, built a success- life-threatening genetic disorder from
ful ambulance company, and after Maine to Boston for years.
they sold the business in 1994, Larry
He was witty, fun, and insightful
got his pilots license. Then he read a an 11-going-on-40-with-a-PhD-frommagazine article about a pilot in Cali- Harvard type, says Larry. One day,
fornia who flew a tenhe got a call from the
year-old boy to receive
boys mother: Benjamin
cancer treatment and
[name has been changed]
People come to is dying, and he would
immediately knew what
his next chapter would us when they are like to see you. Larry
be. This enormous
flew there the next day.
running out
emotional wave hit me,
Why does God hate
of money, time, me? Benjamin asked
Larry says. This is what
and faith.
God wants me to do.
Larry. Im only a little
The first Angel Flight
We replace their boy, and Im dying.
NE trip took to the skies
fear with hope. I shouldnt be dying as
on May 31, 1996. Today,
a little boy.
Larry relies on a network
Larry thought for a
of nearly 500 volunteer pilots who second. Look how smart you are,
donate their own time, planes, and how good you are, how many people
fuel. Larrys crews on the ground, youve touched, he said. God needs
Earth Angels, drive patients to and you to be one of his special angels.
from the airport. To date, Angel Flight He loves you so much; thats why he
NE has helped 65,000 people. Bonds wants you.
between patients and pilots can last for
That flight home from Benjamins
weeks, months, or longer. One cancer house felt different from usual. The
patient took more than 585 trips over closer I got to home, the sky became
ten years. And every single onefor more flushed with yellow and orange,
every single patientis free of charge. Larry remembers. The sun dipped
Sometimes patients cant talk to below the horizon as I touched down
their family about their fears, but my wheels. Everything was so ethebeing up in the heavens, its therapeu- real. It was like God was telling me
tic to talk to a pilot helping you get everything was going to be OK.
better, Larry says. Mothers, if their
children are asleep, may break down Visit angelflightne.org for more
about how difficult it is to see their information.
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The New York City

Threshold Choir
sings to a patient
at New Yorks
Haven Hospice.

SINGING TO THE SUFFERING

VISI TING NURS E SERVI CE OF N EW YORK (VNSNY)

HAVEN HOSPICE SPECIALTY CARE UNIT

er friend was dying of AIDS,

and Kate Munger didnt
quite know how to help. She
volunteered for a shift at his Petaluma, California, home. When it
was time to sit by his bedside, I
was terrified, says Kate, 66. He was
agitated, thrashing under the sheets.
So Kate did what she always did when
she felt afraidshe began to sing:
Theres a moon / Theres a star in
the sky / Theres a cloud / Theres a
tear in my eye / Theres a light / Theres
a night that is long / Theres a friend /
Theres a pain that is gone.
Kate repeated the lyrics over and
over, singing for two and a half hours.
It calmed me down, which calmed
him down, she recalls. I knew
I had given him the very best gift that
I could. And by the time I finished

singing, I knew this was something that

would be shared. And the Threshold
Choir was bornnow a group of 1,300
volunteers in 120 chapters around the
world who provide comfort through
song to people on the threshold of life.
Were death- and tear-phobic
in our culture, says Kate, who lives
outside San Francisco, where the
first choirs were founded in 2000.
We tend to make ourselves busy
when we should sit down or pray or
hold someones hand. Singing gives
a patients family permission to be
authentic with their tears, their laughter, their sorrow, their grief, says Kate.
When invited to a bedside, choir
volunteers select from a repertoire
of about 300 songs, many written by
Kate and other choir members specifically to convey presence, peace,
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ANGELS IN AMERICA

and comfort. We sing very softly and

quite close, says Kate. Were trying
to re-create the distance between
a mothers mouth and a babys ear.
Kate, who has sung at hundreds
of bedsides, recalls singing to a newborn daughter of a Cuban musician
two days before the infant died at
17 days old. The choir started with all
the Spanish songs its members knew
but finished with an original piece
whose last line was May you find all
the love that you needed was here.
It inspired the mom and dad to
recognize that they had given this
baby everything they could, says
Kate. They heaped love on her and
received love from her. That really
helped them grieve and heal.
Choir singers join to make a difference but remain dedicated volunteers
because of the groups deep sense
of community, which is especially
apparent when a volunteers own
loved one falls ill. Kristin Masters
asked her Santa Cruz choir members
to sing nearly every day throughout her
partner Claudettes final months (she
died of brain cancer in 2013). I didnt
have to hold everything together,
Kristin says. Being surrounded by
love and support let my heart relax.
Claudettes last days were rich, warm,
and sweet. It was like a sanctuary in
there, Kristin says. I got to give her
that kind of death.
Visit thresholdchoir.org for more
information.

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Victims wont
always remember
your name, says
CRT director Joe
Avalos, right. But
theyll never forget
you were there.

COMFORT
AMID CHAOS

hey wanted a midnight snack.

Marlene Alatorre and her sister, Michelle Gonzalez, drove
to a taco truck in the parking lot of
a nearby strip mall on a June Saturday night in Los Angeles in 2012.
Michelle, 22, sat in the car, while
19-year-old Marlene waited in line.
Moments later, during a high-speed
chase with police, a drunken motorist careened into the food stand at
62 miles per hour, killing Marlene and
a second woman on impact.
A few miles away, Joe Avalos was
settled in at home when his cell
phone started buzzing. He was on
call for a shift with the mayors Crisis

READERS DIGEST

Response Team (CRT), volunteers dispatched with police, firefighters, and

other emergency responders to scenes
of deadly accidents and crimes. He
got in his car and rushed to the site.
The first thing Joe, 47, remembers
is the screaming. Marlenes mother,
Holivia, was on the ground wailing in
the intersection, a few feet away from
the yellow crime-scene tape she was
not allowed to cross. Joe kneeled next
to her and introduced himself. Im
going to do everything I can to help
you get through this, he said, speaking softly but firmly.
In the aftermath of horrific trauma,
the CRT serves an unusual civic duty:
supporting victims no one thinks
aboutfriends and family left behind.
We wake up at all hours of the

night to be with people at the worst

moment of their lives, says Joe, who
spent nine years as a volunteer before
becoming the groups director in 2013.
Victims feel helpless, confused, and
out of control. We let them know that
were there to be their advocate.
In the incident that inspired the
founding of the CRT , two couples
had finished dinner at a San Pedro
restaurant and were crossing the street
when three of the people were hit by
a speeding car. One died immediately;
another, a few days later. The third was
in critical condition for many days.
[The ambulance crew members]
did what they had been trained to do
for the three victims who had been hit
by the car, explained LAPD captain
Tim King in a letter he wrote a couple
of weeks later, recruiting the groups
first volunteers. The police, he explained, fulfilled their responsibilities,
protecting the crime scene and investigating the accident.
Unfortunately, King went on,
there was no one to respond and
assist the uninjured party who had
watched the terrible incident happen
before his eyes. His needs, although
not physical, were as important as
the three victims who had been hit by
the car.
King suggested a solution: a volunteer group that could provide emotional assistance to victims loved
ones. Nearly 24 years after the CRT
was founded, groups of its 320 volunteers show up at almost every tragic
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ANGELS IN AMERICA

death in the city of Los Angeles, from dont have to say much. We call it
shootings to suicides to fires. Ready sacred silence.
at a moments notice, they each
Not long after Joe arrived to help
keep their car trunk stocked with Marlene Alatorres family that June
a war bag, a duffel packed with night, another car pulled up. A young
items as diverse as blankets and teddy woman jumped out, trying to rush the
bears. Volunteers liaise
crime scenethe daughbetween families and
ter of the other woman
investigators, crossing
killed. She kept sayJust standing
crime-scene tape to
ing, I was pissed off at
share information and
my mom. I ignored her
there can be
answer questions. They
pretty powerful. calls, Joe says. Now her
might notify schools
mother was lying several
We dont have
that kids will be absent
feet away from her under
to say much.
or give families referrals
a white sheet.
for therapy.
It broke my heart,
We call it sacred
Their most imporhe continues. No matsilence.
tant job is just being
ter how upset you
present. Standing
are, let it go, because
there and handing someone a bot- tomorrow, or even the next hour, is
tle of water can be pretty powerful. not promised to us. The CRT, Joe says,
Victims just want to tell us their story, constantly reminds me how precious
especially if they witnessed [the life is.
incident], says Joe, who credits the
20 years he spent as a social worker E-mail [email protected] for more
for teaching him how to listen. We information.

PARENTAL ADVISORY
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38 percent of their ice cream.
CONAN OBRIEN

Im at my most hostage negotiator when I see my three-year-old

holding a permanent marker without the lid.
@SIMONCHOLLAND (SIMON HOLLAND)

Asked to switch seats on the plane because I was sitting next

to a crying baby. Apparently, thats not allowed if the baby is yours.
@MOMMYSHORTS (ILANA WILES)

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DRAMA IN REAL LIFE

A two-week trek through Canadas Arctic tundra

turns into a desperate attempt to stay alive

BY SABR I N A SHA N KMA N

FR O M T HE E- B O O K MELTD OW N

THE AD IN Sierra
magazine promised the
adventure of a lifetime:
14 days of hiking through
northern Canadian
wilderness, with the
possibility of seeing the
worlds largest land
carnivore, the polar bear.
If you dream of
experiencing a place that
is both pristine and
magical, a land of spirits
and polar bears rarely
seen by humans, the ad
said, this is the trip you
have been waiting for.

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MAULED!

WO SEASONED Sierra Club

guides were the leaders. Rich

Gross, then 60, worked for
a housing nonprofit in San Francisco
but spent a week or two a year steering trips in remote parts of the world.
Marta Chase, 59, a medical diagnostics
consultant from North Carolina, had
led hiking trips since high school. The
pair had guided 13 trips together.
Joining them were Larry Rodman,
63, a New York City corporate lawyer; Marilyn Frankel, 65, an exercise
physiologist from Oregon; and Rick
Isenberg, 55, a clinical researcher
and former physician from Arizona.

people went to the park each year, and

Gross wanted to be part of that club.
Chase did, too, but she worried about
hiking in polar bear country.
Polar bears sit at the top of the Arctic food chain. A large male can weigh
as much as 1,700 pounds and stand
ten feet tall. They spend most of their
lives on the sea ice, waiting for seals.
When a seal surfaces at a breathing
hole, the bear pounces, grabs it by the
head, and crushes its skull.
Polar bears tend to stay clear of
humans, but scientists predict that
may be changing. Like many areas
in the Southern Arctic, the Torngats
has typically had an ice-free summer

Chases husband, Kicab CastaedaMendez, 63, a quality-improvement

consultant, would be joining them as
well. Rounding out the trekkers was
Matt Dyer, 48, a legal aid lawyer from
Maine. His shoulders and back were
covered with tattoos of images from
naturea turtle, a winged bull, a giant
tree of life with ravens.
It was Grosss idea to go into Torngat
Mountains National Park in Canadas
Arctic tundra. Hed never seen a polar
bear in the wild, and he was drawn
to the areas mystical terrain, where
steep peaks rose from the coast of the
Labrador Sea. Only a few hundred
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season, when the carnivores are forced

onto land and live off their body fat.
Worldwide climate change is driving temperatures higherthe Arctic
is warming at about twice the rate of
the rest of the globeand the period
when the animals have to live off their
reserves has lengthened. Since the late
1970s, the number of ice-free days in
the area around the Torngats has increased from 125 to 175 days a year.
Some desperate bears turn to goose
eggs, grasses, berriesand anything
else they can find. As the ice-free period increases, its predicted that more
bears will come into contact with

P REVIOUS S PREA D: M ICHAEL DUVA /GETTY I M AGES

They set up two electric fences, with supposedly

enough charge to send a polar bear running.

The group before the attack, from left: Matt Dyer, Larry Rodman, Marta Chase,
Rick Isenberg, Marilyn Frankel, Rich Gross, Kicab Castaeda-Mendez

humans, which could have deadly

consequences. After all, to a starving
polar bear, a human is just meat.

COURTESY KI CA B CASTA EDA-M ENDEZ

N SUNDAY, July 21, 2013,

a floatplane carrying the
Sierra Club party descended
toward the eastern shore of the Torngats, weaving between the peaks. The
landscape was desolate but breathtaking. Ice covered parts of glassy lakes,
and rivulets of water cascaded from
mountain peaks that jutted into the
cloud-filled sky. The plane landed on
Nachvak Fjord and deposited the passengers. The pilot said goodbye, and
the seven hikers were left with just the
sound of waves lapping on the shore.
The fjord felt prehistoric, as if they
were in a world without humans.
The first thing the group did was
set up camp 150 yards from the shore.
While the Parks Canada website
strongly encourages visitors to hire

licensed Inuit bear guards who have

taken a special safety course and are
permitted to carry guns, Chase and
Gross talked to an outfitter familiar
with the area who told them that flare
guns, bear spray, and electric fences
offered the necessary protection. They
set up two electric fences: one around
the campsite, the other around the area
where they would cook and store their
food. Each fence stood about three feet
high and consisted of three parallel
wires suspended from posts. The wires
had five to seven kilovolts of charge
not enough to injure a polar bear but
supposedly enough to send it running.
As the hikers prepared cream of potato soup and pesto pasta for dinner,
they watched terns and gulls swoop
by. Wolves occasionally wandered
into view. After they ate, some of the
hikers stayed to clean up. By the time
the sky darkened, at about 10:30 p.m.,
theyd all retired to their tents.
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At 4 a.m., Castaeda-Mendez
stepped out of his tentand saw that
they werent alone. Polar bear on
the beach! he yelled. A mother and
her cub were walking along the shore
in the early-morning light. The other
hikers came out. They were shouting
distance from two of the worlds most
violent predators, yet the scene was
overwhelmingly peaceful. Dyer was
on the verge of tears.
On Monday, July 22, after a breakfast of oatmeal and coffee, the hikers
assembled their daypacks, bundled up,
and headed east to explore the fjord.
Gross had one flare gun in his waistband; Chase carried the other. The
group members hiked through scrub
willows and grassy hills and along
the ledges above their camp. They
came across everyday detritus from
the parks residentsblack-bear scat,
caribou antlers, and the skull of what
looked like a wolf or a seal. Dyer tucked
a tooth from the skull into his pocket.
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At about 3:30 p.m., they reached

a stream near their campsite. The
water was shallow, clear, and shockingly cold. For feet that had been in
hiking boots all day, the stream offered relief. Castaeda-Mendez was
walking barefoot in the water when
Dyer saw something coming toward
them. Polar bear! he shouted. Get
back here!
The animal was about 150 yards
away and approaching them. It looked
larger and had a fuller coat than the
female theyd seen that morning.
Castaeda-Mendez rejoined the group,
and the hikers clustered, following
polar bear defense protocol: Stand together. Make yourself seem big. Make
loud noises, especially metal on metal.
Still, the bear kept coming. Gross
pulled out his flare gun. Im gonna
shoot, he told Chase when the animal was within 50 yards. I think thats
a good idea, she replied.
The flare shot forward with a flash

COURTESY MA RILYN F RA NKEL

This polar bear sat watching the group for hours, and some of the hikers
believe that it later attacked Dyer.

READERS DIGEST

of light, but the bear kept advancing.

Only when the shell landed in front
of it, causing a second burst, did the
bear run off. The group cheered and
clapped. But the bear didnt go far.
It settled on a ledge about 300 yards
away, with a clear view of the camp.
By the time the hikers reached the
safety of their camp, rain was coming down hard. Most members of the
group went to their tents to nap, but
Dyer was uneasy. He stayed outside,
watching the bear for an hour, until he
took a nap.
Afternoon turned into evening,
and still the bear remained nearby. At
5 p.m., the campers went to the cooking area. Using the zoom lenses on
their cameras, they watched the bear
roll on its back and lie on its belly. To
Frankel, it looked like a big dog. But
to others, it was disconcerting.
Over dinner, they laughed, sharing stories of their past trips and
lives back home. They didnt talk
much about the bear that was observing them. It seemed almost
like a piece of the landscapejust
another detail in the majestic setting.
Castaeda-Mendez felt reassured
by their bear interactions that day. The
mother and cub werent interested in
them, and the bear on the ledge had
shied away from the flare. But Dyer
couldnt shake his unease. Why dont
we post a watch? he asked. But Gross
wasnt worried. Thats what the fence
is for, he told Dyer.
Isenberg slept fitfully, and every

time he woke up, he checked to see if

the bear was still there. It was. But by
about 1 a.m., it had disappeared.

H E N E X T M O R N I N G was
cold and rainy, and the hikers loaded their daypacks
and went exploring. They reveled in
the wildlife: whales in the fjord, caribou, and ptarmigan. By afternoon, the
weather had begun to improve, and
they stopped at a rock above the campsite to take silly pictures of one another.
That night, before Gross turned in, he
walked the campsites perimeter, confirming that the electric fence was on.
Before he crawled into his sleeping bag,
he tucked the flare gun into his boot.
He fell asleep listening to the waves.
At 3:30 a.m., he woke to screams.
From the window of her tent, Chase
saw a polar bear a few feet away. It
was down on all fours, eyes level with
her, huge and white except for the
black of its eyes and nose. Rich! she
screamed, yelling for Gross. The bear
tore at a neighboring tent and dragged
it into the darkness.
Gross grabbed his flare gun, ran
out in his long underwear, and aimed
at the bear. The animal was 75 feet
away, heading west. Something was
dangling from its mouth. He saw that
what was in the bears mouth was not
a thing at allit was Dyer.
Dyer had been sound asleep when
somethinghe wasnt sure what
caused him to stir. As his eyes adjusted, he saw two paws, each a foot
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MAULED!

wide and silhouetted by the bright

Arctic moon, sweep across the thin
nylon of the tent. Bear in the camp!
he remembers shouting. Hes got
me! Hes got me! The bear clamped
its mouth around the crown of the
mans head and ripped him out of the
tent. Dyer heard his jaw break as huge
teeth punctured his head and neck.
He could smell the fishy, oily stench
of the bears saliva.
Dyer stared at the animals white
stomach and the yellow stains on its
hindquarters as it carried him away.
He noticed with odd detachment that
one of his socks had fallen off. And
then he heard noise coming from

mercifully, and couldnt feel any pain.

Gross handed his gun to Frankel so
she could cover him. Ive got to get
out there, he said. Isenberg went with
him. About 75 feet from the campsite,
they found Dyers crumpled, blooddrenched body. They thought he was
dead. But when Isenberg knelt beside him, he saw the man breathing.
Castaeda-Mendez and Rodman ran
out, and the four men carried Dyers
limp body back. They laid him down
on a sleeping pad in the middle of the
camp, covered him with two sleeping bags, and placed a sack under his
head. Gross and Castaeda-Mendez
pulled up the cook tent and placed

Isenberg was terrified. Dyer was in critical

condition, and they were hundreds of miles
from help. He held Dyers hand and prayed.
behind himthe shouts of his friends.
The bear turned toward the hikers,
whipping Dyer into the air and slamming him against the ground. Without
losing its grip on Dyers head, it moved
toward the water.
Dyer had sometimes thought about
how it would feel before he died,
what that terrifying last moment
would be like. But instead of fear or
panic, he was filled with a great sense
of calm. With his head in the bears
jaws, he saw a flash of light and heard
the flare gun. The bear dropped him
hard and fled. Dyer was in shock,
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it over Dyer. The teepee-style shape

would give Isenberg, the onetime physician, room to work while protecting
Dyer from the wind and the cold.
All Isenberg had was a basic medical kitfour-by-four gauze pads,
a roll of gauze strip, antibiotic ointment, splints, scissors. Dyers face
was swollen and bruised, and his jaw
was displaced, but at least he was talking. Thank you. Oh, thank you, he
said over and over, his voice a whisper.
Isenberg hacked through Dyers bloodsoaked hair with scissors. Wounds
ringed his face and head, but they

READERS DIGEST

were oozing blood, not pumping it

a positive sign. The biggest wound
was a gash on his neck that looked as
if it had been filleted open. Isenberg
could see Dyers carotid artery, the
principal blood supplier to the head
and neck. The artery was intact, but if
anything caused it to tear, Dyer would
bleed to death.
Isenberg was terrified. Dyer was
in critical condition, they were hundreds of miles from help, and Isenberg
hadnt practiced medicine in 15 years.
He held Dyers hand and prayed.
Meanwhile, Chase used the satellite phone to call for help. At 3:45 a.m.,
she reached a police dispatcher and
told him her group had been attacked
by a polar bear. One hiker needed to
be evacuated, and the rest of them
were in danger. But the area was
enveloped by fog, and until it cleared,
there was no way to launch a rescue.
The electric fence was in tatters.
Frankel circled the campsite with
a flare gun, her eyes scanning the
horizon. Castaeda-Mendez and
Rodman took turns patrolling with
the second gun. Gross stayed outside
the cook tent to assist Isenberg. Every
15 minutes, Chase called the police
dispatcher to check on progress.
At 4:20 a.m., Isenberg announced
that Dyer was stable. If his carotid
artery didnt rupture and he kept
breathing, hed survive. The sun was
finally rising. If a bear came their way,
at least they could see it.
By 8:30 a.m., the clouds were lift-

ing. Minutes later, the group heard

the thump of a helicopter and saw it
moving toward them. It landed, and
medic Larry Brandridge got off. He
and the hikers carried Dyer to the
helicopter. Isenberg climbed aboard
to help, leaving the others to wait for a
boat that was coming to pick them up.

HE CHOPPER touched down

around 8:30 a.m. at Torngat Mountains Base Camp

& Research Station, a hub for scientists, visitors, and park staff. Dyers
stretcher was taken to the medic tent,
where Brandridge inventoried and
cleaned Dyers wounds. He began
with the bite and claw marks on his
face, which were dripping blood into
Dyers eyes.
How are you feeling? Brandridge
asked the hiker.
Like crap, Dyer whispered.
Thats not bad for someone who
just got attacked by a polar bear.
Then the medic peeled off the big
bandage on Dyers neck. The odor of
flesh filled the tent. To Brandridge, it
smelled like death. The hole in Dyers
neck was about the width of a pencil
and went behind his jugular and toward his esophagus. Each time Dyer
inhaled, he was wicking blood into the
wound. Brandridge quickly realized
that he didnt have the equipment or
expertise needed to save Dyers life, so
he and the base-camp staff put Dyer
back into the helicopter and sent him
to George River, a town 45 minutes
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MAULED!

away, where a first-response team

with more sophisticated equipment
was waiting. From there, hed be flown
to Kuujjuaq, a small Inuit community,
and then to Montreal.
In Kuujjuaq, doctors found that
Dyers lung was punctured. Dyer was
heavily sedated, and a breathing tube
was inserted. At about 8 p.m., Quebecs
flying intensive-care unit arrived to
take him to Montreal.
Around midnight on July 25
20 hours after being attacked by the
polar bearMatt Dyer was finally
admitted to Montreal General Hospital. He had two broken vertebrae,
but they were high enough that the
doctors werent worried about paralysis. His jaw had been crushed.
His left hand was broken in several
places. His right lung had collapsed.
He had at least a dozen wounds,
including the hole in his neck. A tendon in his right arm was punctured.
Despite his injuries, Dyer regained
consciousness just past midnight.
On July 27, the rest of the hikers arrived at the hospital. Gross and Chase
went into Dyers room first. Dyer
couldnt speak because of the breathing tube in his throat, but he had been

given an alphabet board. He pointed

to the letters, and slowly he spelled
out a question: Would they all like to
come to his house for a lobster bake?
It was the kind of random humor that
had endeared him to the group, and
seeing it was a huge relief to the trip
leaders. Dyer really was OK.

ODAY DYER has recovered

from his ordeal, evident only

by scars on his face and neck
and the husky rasp that is now his
voice. He has a new tattoo on his arm:
a polar bear surrounded by six stars,
one for each of his travel mates. Its
a reminder of just how close he came
to death, the friendships he forged in
the most dire circumstances, and the
animal he has come to admire.
A year after his trip, a group of
journalists invited him to join them
for a week in the Torngats, and he
immediately accepted. He wanted
to build new memories of the parks
awe-inspiring splendor rather than
the horror of the polar bear attack.
In August 2014, accompanied by two
armed Inuit guards, Dyer revisited his
former campsite. Within minutes, he
saw a polar bear.

FIRST PUBLISHED BY INSIDECLIMATE NEWS, A NONPROFIT, NONPARTISAN NEWS ORGANIZATION THAT COVERS CLIMATE AND ENERGY,
INSIDECLIMATENEWS.ORG.

JEALOUS GRIN
My extra-sensitive toothpaste doesnt like it when I use other toothpastes.
@SENDERBLOCK23

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The Moth
TRUE TALES FROM THE PREMIER LIVE STORYTELLING GROUP

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THE SMALL-TOWN PRISONER

BY WANDA BULLARD

Y DADS NAME was George

Bullard. He was born in
a rural area, right up in the
northeast corner of Mississippi that
most folks call British County and
the locals just call paradise. My dad
was about 50 when I was born, but
I was very fortunate to have had him.
He raised and trained bird dogs his
whole life. If the bird dog business got
a little slow, hed paint a house or two,

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but after he got up in his 60s, someone

persuaded him to get into politics. He
ran for the board of aldermen, and he
was elected by a landslide. Everybody
loved him.
His assignment was fire commissioner. Now, the only things the previous fire commissioners had done
were go to meetings and make political decisions. My father liked to get
involved, though, so he went to the

CHRISTIA N LEONARD/COURTESY THE MOTH

FR O M T H E BO O K T H E MOT H

telephone company and said, Cant

yall hook my telephone up with the
one at the fire department?
So they did, and every time the
fire department telephone rang, our
phone rangone long, continuous
ring until you picked it upand then
you didnt talk; you just listened to
see where the fire was so he could
go. And he went to all the fires, day
or night. He knew almost nothing
about firefighting, but he knew how to
encourage young men, so hed go and
encourage em.
I got involved because my father
had almost stopped driving at night
because of his age, and as a teenager
with a drivers license, Id drive him at
three oclock in the morning.
After his few turns as board alderman, several people, myself included, persuaded him not to do that
anymore. But when he left, he found
that he missed the camaraderie he
had formed with the firemen, and because the firemen and the police department were in the same building,
he missed the policemen too. So he
would just go down there to visit every
now and again. And this being a small
town, they worked out something
which might not have been real legal,
but they taught him how to operate
the police radio, and anytime anybody

wanted a day off or was sick, hed go in

and work an eight-hour shift.
But one day, he got to his job down
at the police department, and he
discovered, to his amazement, they
had a prisoner!
I did say it was a small town. It was
most unusual.
And that morning, he really didnt
have much to do. Hed wander back
and talk to this young man, and when
he went out for lunch, he brought
a couple hamburgers back for him.
Well, by one or two oclock, he had
made a decision about this young
man, and he always trusted his instincts about people. He had decided
that in spite of being long-haired
way down to here, which my father
hatedhe was a decent young man,
so hed see if he could help him.
He started to inquire of him, Why
are you still here? You seem like such
a nice young man. Wont anybody
come get you out of jail?
And the young man told him,
Well, I had a little too much to drink
last night, and they arrested me for
drunken disorder, and here I am.
My dad said, Well, what would
it take to get you out? And he said,
Well, I have to pay a two-hundreddollar fine. My dad said, Well, why
cant your family pay the two-hundred-

Readers Digest is proud to partner with the Moth on storytelling

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93

T H E M OT H

dollar fine? He said, Well, I think if

At about four oclock, the policemen
I could talk to my father face-to-face, started coming back to change shifts,
I could get the two hundred dollars and as they came in, they check in on
from him, but I dont know how hes the prisoner. And they discovered, to
going to react to a collect call from the their dismay, that they didnt have
Boonville jail.
one. And they said, Mr. George, what
My dad mulled this over a little happened to the prisoner?
while, and he said, Well, do you think
My daddy was busy doing his
if I turned you loose, you could go find closing-up paper w ork, and he
your father and get two
said, Oh, yeah. I turned
hundred dollars and
him loose.
come back?
And the police officer
Im going to remind What happened said, You did what?
you that my fathers to the prisoner?
Turned him loose.
only duty was operatMr. George, why did
asked the
ing the police radio that
you do that?
talked back and forth
Daddy said, Well, he
policemen.
with the cars.
just seemed like a nice
I turned him
So the young man
young man, and hell
said, Well, see, Im loose, Dad said. be back in a little while
from Corinth, Missiswith his two hundred
sippi, and thats about
dollars.
20 miles north. They impounded my
And the police officer was kind of
car. I got no way up there.
taken aback. Hed known my father all
And my daddy said, Well, is it his life; my father was like a grandfaa blue Chevrolet? And he said, Yes, ther to most of those guys. The officer
sir. And then my daddy said, Its said, OK, well, well take care of this,
parked out in the parking lot. I can and he went back to the other policeprobably find the keys.
men to try to figure out how they
So he scrounges around in the desk were gonna get out of this without my
drawers and finds the keys, and he not father losing his unofficial job, and
only releases the prisoner, over whom one of them says, Well, we ought to
he has no authority, he gives him remind the chief that George Bullard
a getaway car.
helped get him elected. But another
Well, as the kid leaves, my father of em said, Oh, I got a better idea.
says, Now, son, I believe if I could Lets just tear up the paperwork, and
borrow two hundred dollars from well just pretend we never arrested
my daddy, Id borrow another five to that boy.
get me a darn haircut.
Well, my father wouldnt hear of
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READERS DIGEST

it. He said, Oh, no. I know that boys

coming back. I know he is.
And the police officer said, How
can you be so sure? You dont even
know him.
And my fathers answer was simple:
He told me that he would.
They waited around, and 4:30 came
and five oclock, and of course, no
young man returned. And at about
5:15, theyre trying to get my dad to
go home, cause his shift ended at five.
Hes kind of stoic, and he says,
No, Im gonna wait around until he
comes back.
One of em observed, Might be
kind of a long wait. But no, my dad
didnt get discouraged.
All of a sudden, the door opens, and
the young man walks inshaven, short
hairwalks up to the counter, and they
dont even acknowledge him, cause
theyre still mulling over what theyre
gonna do to save my dad, and finally
the young man says, Excuse me; Id
like to pay my fine. And that kind of

got their attention, but they still didnt

recognize him, and one of em walked
to the counter and said, What fine is
that youre talking bout?
He said, Well, you guys arrested
me last nightlocked me up. I owe
two hundred, and Im here to pay
it. Started counting out 20-dollar
bills. When he got to 200, the police
didnt say a word, but they wrote him
out a receipt. They thanked him. The
boy started to leave. When he got to
the door to go out, he turned around
andalmost as if he knew what the
situation was like there in that office
with my dadsaid, Oh, by the way,
Mr. Bullard, Im sorry I was late getting back, but I had to wait in the line
at the barbershop.
A teacher for more than 42 years,
Wanda Bullard worked with emotionally
disordered kids in Brunswick, Georgia.
Her famous Sunday-afternoon cookout
included the Moths founder, George
Dawes Green, among many others. Telling
stories on Wandas porch inspired him to
launch the Moth.

READ MORE ORIGINALS LIKE THIS IN THE MOTH. EDITED BY CATHERINE BURNS AND AVAILABLE IN PAPERBACK AND E-BOOK FROM
HACHETTE BOOKS. LISTEN TO OTHER ORIGINALS ON THE MOTH PODCAST, AVAILABLE AT ITUNES AND THEMOTH.ORG.

WHY BRIDES STAND ON THE LEFT

In the old days of marriage by capture, the groom
needed to leave his right hand free. Why?
In case he needed to grab his sword and ght off another
suitor trying to steal his bride at the last minute.
Source: theknot.com

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95

Laughter
THE BEST MEDICINE

Nice throw. Now were dying of thirst, hunger, and boredom.

THERE IS NOTHING more awkward
than the moment you realize youre
getting a double-cheek kiss.
@MICHMARKOWITZ (MICHELLE MARKOWITZ)

POOR OLD FOOL, thought the

well-dressed gentleman as he
watched an old man fish in a puddle
outside a pub. So he invited the old
man inside for a drink. As they
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sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman

thought hed humor the old man and
asked, So how many have you
caught today?
The old man replied, Youre the
eighth.
From A Prairie Home Companion
INSTAGRAM IS JUST TWITTER for

people who go outside.

@JOSHGONDELMAN

ILLUSTRATION BY CHRIS CATER

CLOCKWISE FROM TOP LEFT: DA NI EL DAZA /M PTVIM AGES.COM . CA ROLYN JOHNS/ MPTVIMAG E S.COM. COU RTE SY ANH E U SE R B U SCH .
COURTESY NICKELODEON. GETTY IMAGES. M ARKA /GETTY I MAGES . OLI SCARFF/G E TTY IMAG E S. JONNYSE K /CAN STOCK PH OTO INC.

A DEFENDANT isnt happy with

how things are going in court, so he

gives the judge a hard time.
Judge: Where do you work?
Defendant: Here and there.
Judge: What do you do for
a living?
Defendant: This and that.
Judge: Take him away.
Defendant: Wait; when will I get
out?
Judge: Sooner or later.
S u b m i t t e d b y PAT FERRY, Me s a , Ar i z o n a

IM TRYING to get into classical

music, but I cant find any original recordings. All the music is performed
by cover bands. DAN BURT, on humorlabs.com
I THINK ITS PRETTY COOL how
the Chinese made a language entirely
out of tattoos.
S u b m i t t e d b y ADAM JOSHUA SMARGON,
Ne w a r k , D e l a w a r e

Know what else is pretty cool? Your joke

or funny list is worth $$$. See page 7 or
rd.com/submit for details.

CELEBRITIES WITHOUT MAKEUP

Papi, Beverly Hills
Chihuahua

Father Time has

not been kind to
this jalapeo-size
actor. Papi was
snapped alone
and leashless by
the Papirazzi as
he left a Lakers
game.

Babe

Rumors of the
lovable hogs
having gone to
pot are true! The
porker would be
wise to step away
from the trough.

Budweiser
Lost Puppy

SpongeBob
SquarePants

This pups natural

good looks shine
through even
behind bars,
which is where he
landed after a
spat with former
best friend Budweiser Clydesdale.

The public soaked

up the sight of
this subaquatic
superstar wearing
no makeup or
pants! ... as seen
in this hacked
photo from his
cell phone.

From: thehiggsweldon.com

rd.com

032016

97

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MEDICINE

W.B. thought donating his organs

would bring meaning to his ALS diagnosis.
He was shocked to discover that patients like him
are banned from this final act of heroism.

A Legacy

DENIED
BY JOSHUA MEZRICH, MD, & JOSEPH SCALEA, MD
F R O M T H E AT L ANT I C

OUR PATIENTWELL CALL HIM W.B.is a

56-year-old father of three who, until two years
ago, had always been healthy. He had worked
in jobs ranging from automotive repair to sales,
taking great pride in providing for his family.
All of that ended in February 2014, when he was
diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or
ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrigs disease.
A neurodegenerative disease characterized
by progressive muscle weakness, ALS leads to
the loss of all voluntary movement, difficulty
breathing, and, in the end, death.

ILLUSTRATION BY REBEKKA DU NLAP

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A LEGACY DENIED

Once the initial shock passed,

W.B. began researching his condition
intensively. He learned that he was
unlikely to survive five years and that
in the meantime, his quality of life
would diminish dramatically. With
limited options, many patients retreat. But, quite bravely, W.B. had
other ideas. He decided that if he was
going to die, he would like to try to save
another persons life in the process.
And so in May 2014, he approached
the University of Wisconsins transplant program, where we are surgeons,
as a prospective organ donor.
Initially, W.B. had assumed that
he would arrange for his organs to
be procured when he died, but then
he read that kidneys from a living
donor work better and last longer. For
one thing, the death process takes
a toll on organs, between the decreased flow of blood and oxygen and
the release of inflammatory proteins.
For another, kidneys that are removed
after death inevitably endure cold
timewhen they are outside the
body, on ice, without any blood flow.
Why not fork out a kidney before
it becomes compromised by all the
meds I am taking? W.B. asked us
when we met him. But he didnt stop
there. Beyond a kidney, he explained,
he wanted to donate the rest of his
organs once his condition deteriorated so much that he could no longer
breathe on his own.
W.B. spoke calmly about his situation and about how ALS steals
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your ability to do things; already, he

told us, I have a hard time getting
a spoon from a bowl to my mouth.
He knew that in the near future
he would be confined to a bed or
a wheelchair. As for the end of his
life, he remarked that he could only
look forward to suffocating. When
he said this, he didnt seem sad so
much as at peace with his coming death. It is what it is, he said.
I cant change it. I probably wont be
here in five years. To be honest, I may
not be here in two years.
W.B. hoped to turn his tragedy into
someone elses miracle. But although
his mind was clear and his intentions
unmistakable, we had no choice but
to disappoint him.

Do No Harm
Two major obstacles have prevented
us from helping W.B. The first concerns his desire to donate a kidney
while he is still alive. In his weakened
state, will he tolerate anesthesia and
surgery, or will they hasten his death?
As doctors, we have sworn to do no
harm. And yet, every Wednesday and
Thursday morning, we remove kidneys from living donors. These patients
dont get any medical benefitto the
contrary, they accept a small risk of
complications, including hypertension and a slightly increased likelihood that their remaining kidney will
fail. But they do experience a very
real, if intangible, benefit: the experience of saving someones life.

READERS DIGEST

In evaluating W.B.s request, we until patients were by all measures

had to weigh carefully not only the completely deadno heartbeat, no
risk to himwhich W.B. clearly blood pressure, no respirationto reunderstoodbut also the risk that move any vital organs. Unfortunately,
a donor death would pose to our hos- few organs were still transplantable by
pital. Transplant-surgery programs this point, and those that were transplanted tended to have
in the United States
poor outcomes.
are scrutinized by an
In 1968, in an effort to
alphabet soup of federal
address the shortage of
and nongovernmental
transplantable organs
entities. A single bad
(as well as the delivery
outcome involving a
He decided that of futile care to people
living donor can lead to
an investigation. While
if he was going in irreversible comas),
an ad hoc committee at
there are good reasons
to die, hed
Harvard Medical School
for this monitoring, it
suggested that patients
can cause surgeons to
like to save
with no identifiable
avoid complicated cases
anothers life in brain function could
and innovation.
the process.
be designated as brain
The more difficult
dead and become canissue relates to his other
organs. W.B.s prognosis is poor: His didates for organ donation. This led
doctors indicate that in the near to new laws enacted by most states;
future, W.B. will no longer be able under them, doctors could remove
to breathe for himself and will need organs from patients whose hearts
a tracheostomy and a ventilator to were still beating without violating the
live. At this point, some ALS patients dead-donor rule.
forgo further life support and succumb to their disease. But there is Failing to Die Fast
currently no way to end ones life Enough
in this manner without jeopardiz- But what about people who are tering ones organs and, with them, the minally ill, like W.B.? Neither the
chance to save other lives.
dead-donor rule nor the laws regardFrom the earliest days of trans- ing brain death address his situation.
plantation, surgeons subscribed to Terminally ill patients bestin many
an informal ethical norm known cases, onlychance of passing on
as the dead-donor rulethat or- their organs is via a wrenching progan procurement should not cause cess known as donation after circulaa donors death. This meant waiting tory death, or DCD. A patients doctor
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A LEGACY DENIED

withdraws all life support while an their heartbreak, his family members
organ-recovery team stands by. For were able to find some comfort in the
organs to be successfully trans- idea that their husband and father
planted this way, however, the donor had saved three peoples lives.
typically needs to die within an hour
Unfortunately, not every withor two of being taken off life support drawal of life support ends with
otherwise, decreased
this heroism. We also
blood flow leaves the
re m e m b e r a y o u n g
organs unsuitable for
boy who had suffered
transplantation.
major head trauma.
Over the course of a
Because the boys famsingle week while we
ily believed deeply in
were writing this arti- If we could help organ donation, they
cle, three potential DCD
had made the difficult
W.B. donate
decision to have life
donors at our transa kidney, it
support withdrawn in
plant center had had
life support removed
might add real the cold, sterile environment of an operating
with the intention of
value to his
room. While our team
donating their vital organs but had failed to remaining days. waited in the wings, the
boy died in his mothers
die quickly enough. No
arms. But not quickly enough to allow
transplants resulted.
When organ donation works, fami- for the transplantation of his organs.
lies view it as a positive end to a trag- This came as a particularly terrible
edy. Our team remembers vividly the blow to his parents, who had hoped
case of another ALS patient, a young that their loss might help prevent
father of three teenagers. He knew someone elses.
that he would never get off a ventilator, and he also knew that his organs New Rules That
could allow several other people to Honor Life
go on living. He wrote out goodbyes The term brain death was meant to
to his wife and children, they hugged provide an objective legal definition
him, and then, with his family sur- for a group of patients whom we might
rounding him, his doctors removed otherwise describe as unrecoverable.
his breathing tube. Once he had But for terminally ill patients, a more
taken his last, labored breath, our useful ethical standard could involve
team rushed him into the operating the idea of imminent death. Once
room. We were just in time to recover a person with a terminal disease
his kidneys and liver. In the midst of reaches a point when only extraordi104

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READERS DIGEST

nary measures will delay death; when

use of these measures is incompatible
with what he considers a reasonable
quality of life; and when he decides to
stop aggressive care, knowing that this
will mean the end of his life, we might
say that death is imminent.
If medical guidelines could be
revised to let people facing imminent
death donate vital organs under general anesthesia, we could provide patients and families a middle grounda
way of avoiding futile medical care
while also honoring life by preventing
the deaths of other critically ill people. Moreover, healthy people could
incorporate this imminent-death
standard into advance directives for
their end-of-life care. They could determine the conditions under which
they would want care withdrawn and
whether they were willing to have it
withdrawn in an operating room, under anesthesia, with subsequent removal of their organs.
Some may argue that such a model
could compromise doctors care of
critically ill patients. People who distrust the health-care system sometimes
make similar arguments, accusing
physicians of providing lesser care to
those who have signed up to become
organ donors.
In practice, though, a donors doctors have little connection to those
involved with organ recovery to avoid
any conflict of interest. We cant
imagine a scenario in which doctors
would give a patient inferior care

so that her organs could be procured. Large numbers of hospital

patients have no chance of meaningful
recovery, including many of those
with progressive neurological diseases like ALS or severe cardiac
disease, as well as some stroke victims.
A number of these brave people
and their familieswish to commit
a final act of pure heroism in the form
of organ donation. But even as the
transplant waiting list stretches more
than 120,000 patients long, the current
system denies them this legacy.

A Dying Wish
As doctors, we are taught to do no
harm. It may be time to redefine what
we mean by harm.
When we sent W.B. a draft of this
article, we were nervous about how
he might react. What can it be like to
read a magazine article about whether
your own organs should come out
while you are still alive? He responded
calmly and thoughtfully. His e-mail
read: I can no longer type so I am
using the voice command module on
my tablet. This means that sentence
structure, grammar, and punctuation
kind of go out the window so bear
with me. He agreed with our main
ideas, and without skipping a beat, he
challenged us again to remove one of
his kidneys while it still had the best
chance of saving a life.
To his great disappointment, we
informed him again that he is not
a candidate for living donation. But we
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A LEGACY DENIED

are still haunted by W.B.s request. As

W.B. prepares to die, the thing he wants
most is to save the lives of strangers.
Shortly before this article went to
press, W.B. told us that his disease was
progressing faster than expected. He
asked us what he could do to keep his
organs oxygenated so that they could
remain viable for transplantation. He
had not planned on having a breathing
tube put in when the time came, but he
said that he would now consider doing
so if it meant he could still be a donor.
And he implored us, once again, to
do more homework and figure out how
he could pass on his organs before it
was too late.
Maybe we will yet find a way
to honor his dying wish. If we were to
help W.B. donate a single kidney and
he survived, the experience might add
some real value to his remaining days.
For months, as we have turned W.B.s
request over in our minds, we have repeatedly come back to one realization:
that we are not as courageous as he is.
X X X

An update on W.B.
Since this article was first published
in April 2015, W.B.s health has deteriorated quickly. Confined to a wheelchair, W.B. has lost the use of his legs,
arms, and hands. He receives all nutrition and medicine through a feeding
tube. Given his current situation
very healthy in spite of physical ability losseswe explored the possibility

of proceeding with living donation of

a kidney, knowing he would probably
remain on a ventilator after surgery.
Despite the controversial nature of this
procedure, our medical center was quite
supportive. Unfortunately, given the
current laws in our state and in many
others, even if W.B. survived and could
breathe on his own after surgery, there
is significant risk that we and our entire
team, as well as our hospital, would be
held accountable for accelerating his
death, leading to the loss of our medical licenses as well as to legal charges.
We hope the law will change someday and that donation of at least one
kidney will be an option for consenting patients with imminently terminal illness. This wont happen in time
for W.B.
The only way to honor his final
wish is to wait until he can no longer
breathe and call an ambulance. In the
intensive care unit, he would be placed
on a ventilator (something he wants
to avoid unless for donor surgery) and
evaluated for organ donation. Eventually, all support would be withdrawn.
If he died naturally within a finite
time, his organs would be procured.
We will try to make this work, but
the timing is challenging and may
limit his success. W.B. recently asked
how to know when to come to the
hospital. We told him: When each
breath is too painful to take, and you
are not sure you will be able to take
one more, come in then."

THE ATLANTIC (APRIL 2015), COPYRIGHT 2015 BY THE ATLANTIC MEDIA CO., THEATLANTIC.COM.

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HUMAN INTEREST

As steel and concrete rose

around us, my unlikely
friendship with an intriguing
old woman grew too

Edths
House
BY BARRY M A R T I N W I T H P H ILIP LE RM AN
F R OM T H E BO O K UNDER ONE ROOF

WAS NERVOUS, that first

day on the job, walking up
to Edith Macefields house.
Id heard so much already.
Developers had purchased
most of a city block in
Seattle, Washington, to build
a shopping mall. Theyd gotten every
inch of the property they wanted except for this one little ramshackle
house. Theyd even offered her
$1 million for it, and she had declined.
So they had had to build around

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it. If people even tried to talk to the

woman, she would chase them away.
Edith was tending to her garden
when I approached her and introduced myself. Miss Macefield, I said
respectfully, I just want to let you
know that were going to be making
a lot of noise and a big mess, so if you
need anything or have any problems,
heres my number.
Thats very nice of you, she said,
holding my card close to her one good
eye. Itll be nice to have company.

STUART IS ETT/P OLARIS

The home in
downtown Seattle.
Left: Edith, 23, in 1944.

Ediths gate was about 40 feet from

my construction trailer, so whenever I saw Edith outside, I wandered over for a chat. One morning,
she called my cell phone and asked
if I would mind driving her to the
hairdresser. I was surprised by the
request: She seemed to value her independence above everything else.
Whenever I went to check that she
was OK, I had to make it look like
I just happened to be there; otherwise,
shed get angry.

At the appointed time, I stood next

to her blue 1989 Chevy Cavalier. She
had a booster seat on the drivers
side so she could see over the steering wheel. I sat down on it and hit my
head on the inside of the roof.
I guess youre a little bit bigger
than me, she said, and laughed.
Yeah, and getting wider every year.
When I dropped her home after her
haircut, she thanked me.
Not a problem, I said. And Edith,
your hair looks really nice.
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EDITHS HOUSE

S THE WEEKS went by, I

found it easier and easier
to talk to her. But then, six
weeks later, I went to take
her to the hairdresser again, and she
was furious with me. I just want you to
know I didnt appreciate that call this
morning. You boys keep on hounding
me to movewell, save your breath!
I had no idea what she was talking
about. Your friend over there at the
developers office tried to sound all
polite, but I know what he was up to.

offered to bring someone in to take

pictures of her house so that they
could build an exact replica somewhere else. They mentioned the
$1 million again and said they would
buy a new house for her.
Im not sure why I need $1 million, said Edith. If I get sick, it probably wont cover the medical bills,
and if I dont get sick, I dont need
it. And if youre going to make the
new place look just like this one, why
should I bother?

Edith seemed so vulnerable and so independent

at the same time. I felt strangely protective of her.
Listen, I replied. I work by the
hour, and it makes no difference to
me whether you stay or go, but let me
ask you one question: Why dont you
want to move?
She looked out the window. Where
would I go? I dont have any family,
and this is my home. My mother died
here, on this very couch. I came back
to America from England to take care
of her. She made me promise I would
let her die at home and not in some
facility, and I kept that promise. And
this is where I want to die. Right in my
own home. On this couch.
She was so frail and so strong at the
same time, vulnerable yet fiercely independent. I felt strangely protective
of her. It was such a simple request.
At another meeting, the developers
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Before long, I was taking her to doctors appointments as well as to the

hairdresser. Then I was scheduling
her appointments myself. On one of
our drives home, she was wondering
out loud what she might make herself for lunch. I told her that one of
the boys was going out for hamburgers, and she said that sounded good.
Dont bring any fries, though, she
told me. Theyre too fattening.
Instead, I told him to bring her back
a vanilla shake. That was the day I
learned what a sweet tooth Edith had.
She would stick the straw into her
mouth and not stop until the shake
was gone. Then she started calling me
about once a week to ask for a hamburger and one of those vanilla things.
It wasnt long before I was cooking

READERS DIGEST

her dinner every night too. I would put a

TV dinner in the oven, go to the grocery
store, buy her groceries, turn around
and come back, and put the groceries
away, and dinner would be ready.
One evening, I noticed a picture
sitting on the dusty bookcase in the
living room. It was of Edith wearing
wire-rimmed glasses and holding
a clarinet, looking like the great jazz
musician Benny Goodman.
Edith, how old were you when you
started playing the clarinet? I asked.
My cousin Benny gave me one of
his old clarinets; thats how it started.
It was the second time she had mentioned him, and it got me thinking.
Was this actually true, or was this just
an old lady with a few loony tunes? So
I started flipping through her Benny
Goodman albums and, sure enough,
one was signed To my cousin Edith,
with love, Benny.

S THE SHOPPING center

was beginning to rise up
from the ground, I got my
first call from Ediths social
workers. They didnt think she was
capable of staying in the house by
herself. Could I help persuade her to
move? What if something happened?
And I said that something could
happen anywhere, and I was just
30 seconds away and would keep
checking on her. Well, if something
goes wrong, youre going to be responsible, they told me.
At that point, something welled up

in me; it was the first time I understood how much I was learning about
growing old from Edith.
How am I responsible? Ill check on
her, but shes a grown woman. Shes
perfectly capable of knowing what
she can or cannot do, and if she wants
to take that risk because it means staying in her own house, thats her right.
I was beginning to understand how
we do things for old people to make
things easier for ourselves. We dont
listen to what they are trying to tell us.
When Edith swatted my hands away as
I tried to help her tie a shoelace, she
would roar, I can do it myself. Just
as with children, you try to persuade
them to let you help them, not for
their sake but for your own, just to get
through the day a little quicker. Dignity is hard to let go of, especially for
someone who had lived the kind of
exciting life that Edith seemingly had.
That autumn, as the days grew
shorter, I had given up all pretense
that there was some separation between my life with and without Edith.
I wasnt spending weekends with her,
but during the week, I was in and out
of her house from dawn until way
after dark, making her meals, taking
care of the bills and the chores, the
shopping and the laundry, as well as
watching TV with her. On the days
when Id make it home before dark,
more often than not, Edith would call
me with some problem, some excuse,
to make me drive back. Ive had an accident, shed say, or you forgot to leave
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EDITHS HOUSE

water for me. I swear she would take

the jug of water Id left on the table
and struggle over to the sink to pour
it out just to get me to come back.
I wonder, looking back, how my
wife, Evie, coped with all of this. With
two teenagers at home, there was
always too much for one person to do.
But when I asked her, all she would
ever say was that she was proud of me:
It takes a special person to do this.

DITH FELL DOWN a number of times that winter. Too

often, Id come over and find
her on the floor. But still she
wouldnt let me bring in any help, and
she was becoming more and more
demanding. It seemed like every time
I tried to leave, she manufactured
some kind of crisis.
One night, she called me at home
and told me shed fallen. Evie gave me
a thermos of hot chocolate and a kiss
goodbye as I headed out the door.
You dont know, Edith said as I left
after one of these crises, how sometimes I lie awake for hours, longing for
the sound of your key in the door.
It was probably the first time that
she got close to saying thank you.
I leaned over and kissed her on the
forehead. I love you, old woman.
Now get some sleep.
Edith seemed more fragile every
day. She kept losing weight. Finally
she agreed to go to the hospital for

tests. The news was not goodshe

had pancreatic cancer.
She was so strong, so in control that,
even though she was 86, I guess I never
thought to look around that particular
corner. Or maybe I just didnt want to.
I had come to love Edith in the same
way I loved my family. Now we talked
about options, the chemo and surgery and all, but of course she didnt
want any of those things. Instead, she
seemed relaxed. Relieved, even.
She got out of the hospital and went
back to her little house. And then,
two years after I first walked onto that
construction site, on June 15, 2008,
she died at home, on the same couch
where her mother had died.
X X X

Edith Macefield left her house to Barry

Martin. In 2009, as he cleaned it out to
sell to an architectural firm, he found
notes to Edith from people like Clark
Gable, Katharine Hepburn, Spencer
Tracy, and Maurice Chevalier. One
note was signed, Your cousin Irving
Goodman, Bennys brother and fellow
band member.
The tiny house eventually landed in
the hands of the owner of the shopping
center that surrounds it. But real estate
broker Paul Thomas, who represented
Ediths house for years, told the Seattle
Times that its fate remains unclear. I do
not expect it to be coming down tomorrow or next month or even next year.

FROM THE BOOK UNDER ONE ROOF BY BARRY MARTIN. COPYRIGHT 2013 BY BARRY MARTIN.
PUBLISHED BY ST. MARTINS PRESS.

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Laugh Lines
LITERARY LAUGHS

Im writing my book
in fifth person, so
every sentence starts
out with: I heard
from this guy who
told somebody ...
DEMETRI MARTIN

I used to love correcting peoples

grammar until I realized what
I loved more was having friends.
@MARAWRITESSTUFF (MARA WILSON)

We get it, poets:

Things are like
other things.
@SHUTUPMIKEGINN
(MIKE GINN)

Yeah, Id probably
freak out too if
a raven flew into
my house. That
poem still holds up.
@SEANWHITECOMEDY
(SEAN GILBERT WHITE)

Starting a cover
band called
A Book so no one
can judge us.

GETTY I MAGES

@DAEMONIC3
(TERRY F.)

If people say they

just love the smell
of books, I always
want to pull them
aside and ask,
To be clear, do
you know how
reading works?
@BRIDGER_W
(BRIDGER WINEGAR)

Been reading
up on the
thesaurus
lately because
a mind is a
terrible thing
to garbage.
@DINOKITTEN

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PERSONAL ESSAY

A French journalist posed online

as a young woman interested in ISIS.
What she wanted was a story.
What she got was the fright of her life.

Romancing
TERRORIST
THE

BY ANNA ERE LLE *

F R O M T H E BO O K I N T H E S K I N O F A JIH AD IST

Salaam alaikum, sister. I see you

watched my video. Its gone viral
crazy! Are you Muslim?
It was ten oclock on a Friday night in April 2014.
I was sitting on my sofa in my one-bedroom Parisian
apartment when a terrorist based in Syria contacted
me on Facebook. Id been studying European jihadists
in the Islamic State and was interested in understanding what it was that made someone give up everything
and brave death for this cause.
*This is a pseudonym.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY JAN FEINDT

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ROMANCING THE TERRORIST

Like many journalists, I had a fictional Facebook account Id created

to keep an eye on current events.
My profile picture was a cartoon
image of Princess Jasmine from the
Disney movie Aladdin. I claimed to
be in Toulouse, a city in southwestern
France. My name on this account was
Mlodie. Mlodies age: 20.
During my research, I came across
many propaganda films on YouTube
filled with images of torture and

world as a confidant of Abu Bakr

al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS.
Soon after I shared this video, my
computer alerted me to three messages sent to Mlodies private
inbox ... all from Abu Bilel. Are you
thinking about coming to Syria? he
asked in one of them.
Walaikum salaam. I didnt think
a jihadist would talk to me, I replied.
Dont you have better things to
do? LOL.

Before you go to
sleep, answer me
something: Can I be
your boyfriend?
charred bodies laid out in the sun.
The juvenile laughter accompanying
these horrific scenes made the videos
all the more unbearable.
That Friday night, I came across a
video of a French jihadist who looked
to be about 35. The video showed him
taking inventory of the items inside
his SUV. The man in the video wore
military fatigues and Ray-Bans and
called himself Abu Bilel. He claimed
to be in Syria. The scene around
him, a true no-mans-land, didnt
contradict him. In the back of his
car, his bulletproof vest sat beside a
machine gun. I would later discover
that Abu Bilel had spent the past
15 years waging jihad all over the
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In my message, I told him Id

converted to Islam but didnt offer
any details. I deliberately included
spelling mistakes and used a teens
vocabulary. I waited for his reply,
a knot in my stomach: I couldnt
believe this was happening.
Of course I have a lot of things to
do! But here its 11 oclock at night and
the fighters are finished for the day.
We should talk over Skype.
Skype was out of the question! I
ignored his proposal and suggested
we talk another time. Abu Bilel understood; hed make himself available
for Mlodie tomorrow whenever she
wanted.
You converted, so you should get

READERS DIGEST

ready for your hijrah [emigration]. Ill

take care of you, Mlodie.
He didnt know anything about this
girl, and he was already asking her
to join him in the bloodiest country
on earth.

HE NEXT TIME we spoke, Bilel

asked, Do you have a boyfriend?
No, I dont, I said, speaking as
Mlodie. I dont feel comfortable
talking about this with a man. Its
haram [forbidden]. My mother will be
home from work soon. I have to hide
my Koran and go to bed.
Soon you wont have to hide
anything, InshaAllah [God willing]!
I want to help you lead the life awaiting you here. Before you go to sleep,
answer me something: Can I be your
boyfriend?
I logged off Facebook. Wed exchanged 120 messages in the space of
two hours.
That Monday, I rushed to the
magazine where I freelance. My editor agreed that this was a unique opportunity, but he reminded me of the
dangers. Urging caution, he assigned
me a photographer, Andr. I would
agree to Bilels request to meet over
Skype, and Andr would take pictures.
To become Mlodie, I needed to
look ten years younger and find a
veil. Another editor lent me a hijab
[veil] and a djellaba [long black dress].
I was glad to wear them. The idea of
a terrorist becoming familiar with

my face didnt thrill me, especially

not when the man in question could
return to France, his home country, at
any moment.
Andr arrived at my apartment that
night around six oclock. We had an
hour to prepare before Bilel got home
from fighting and contacted Mlodie.
I pulled on Mlodies floor-length
black djellaba over my jeans and
sweater. I removed my rings and covered the small tattoo on my wrist with
foundation, assuming Bilel wouldnt
appreciate such frivolousness.
It was time. I sat cross-legged on
my sofa. Andr positioned himself
in a blind spot behind the sofa. The
Islamic State is brimming with
counterespionage experts and hackers. It was safer if Bilel didnt know
my phone number, so Mlodie had
her own. Id also created a Skype
account in her name.
The Skype ringtone sounded like
a church bell. I took a moment to
breathe, then clicked the button, and
there he was. Bilels eyes smoldered
as he gazed at the young Mlodie, as if
trying to cast a spell. Bilel was Skyping
from his car. He looked clean and wellgroomed after his day on the front.
Salaam alaikum, my sister, he said.
I smiled. Its crazy to be talking to
a mujahid in Syria. Its like you have
easier access to the Internet than I do
in Toulouse!
Syria is amazing. We have everything here. MashaAllah [God has
willed it], you have to believe me: Its
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ROMANCING THE TERRORIST

paradise! A lot of women fantasize Their way of politely addressing him

about us; were Allahs warriors.
suggested my contact was higher in
But every day people die in your the ranks than they were. A minute
paradise
later, he said goodbye to his fellow
Thats true, and every day I fight to fighters and spoke into the phone.
stop the killing. Here the enemy is the
Oh, youre still there! And just as
devil. You have no idea. Tell me, do beautiful
you wear your hijab every day?
Who were they?
Mlodie recited what Id heard from
Fighters who came to say hello.
girls Id met during my
Anyway, youre not
career who had seinterested in all that.
Andr feared
cretly converted to IsTell me about you!
lam. I dress normally
What guided you to
that the longer
in the morning. I say
Allahs path?
we let Mlodie
goodbye to my mom,
I began to stamand when Im outside
merI hadnt had
exist, the more
the house, I put on my
time to invent a real
I was at risk.
djellaba and my veil.
life for Mlodie. One
Im proud of you.
of my cousins was
I agreed.
You have a beautiful
Muslim, and I was
soul. And youre very
f a s c i n a t e d by t h e
pretty on the outinner peace that his
side too. Bilel peered lecherously at religion gave him. He guided me to
Mlodie. Suddenly, mens thick voices Islam, I said.
broke the mournful silence.
Does he know that you want to
Dont say anything! Bilel ordered. come to al-Sham?
I dont want anyone to see or hear
Bilel assumed that everything had
you! Youre my jewel.
been decidedMlodie would soon
I listened to the conversation and arrive in Syria.
could distinguish the voices of two
Im not sure that I want to go
other men. They greeted Bilel in AraListen, Mlodie. Youll be well
bic, then switched to French. They taken care of here. Youll be imporlaughed a lot, congratulating them- tant. And if you agree to marry me,
selves for having slaughtered them.
Ill treat you like a queen.
The dried blood I saw on the conMarry him?! I logged off Skype as
crete was evidence of the attack. a kind of survival reflex. Pulling the
ISISs black flags with white insignia hijab down to my neck, I turned
floated in the distance. The other men toward Andr, who looked as dumbseemed to treat Bilel with respect. founded as I was.
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READERS DIGEST

How was I to respond to Bilels proposal? Andr suggested explaining

that since Mlodie wasnt married, she
didnt want to arrive in Syria alone. If
she decided to go at all.
Bilel called back.
My friend Yasmine is Muslim,
I said, changing the subject. I could
invite her to come with me, but shes
only 15.
Here, women are supposed to get
married when they turn 14. If Yasmine
comes, Ill find her a good man.
Yasmine didnt exist, but I wondered how many real Yasmines were
being lured at that very moment by
men like Bilel.
Bilel, I have to hang up. My mom is
getting home.
Ill be here tomorrow after the fighting, as usual, at seven. InshaAllah
Good night, my baby.
My baby?
As soon as Abu Bilel announced his
plan to marry Mlodie, her list of virtual friends grew. Girls began asking
Mlodie for advice on the safest route
to Syria. Some of the questions were
both technical and strange: Should
I bring a lot of sanitary pads or can I
find them there?; If I arrive in Syria
without a husband, its probably
not a good idea to draw attention to
myself by bringing thong underwear;
my future husband might think Im
immodest. But will I be able to find
them there? I was bewildered by the
mundane fixations of these girls who
were signing up for death. How was

I supposed to answer their questions?

I wasted a lot of time playing along
with Bilels game of seduction in
order to gain his trust. No one, not
even Andr, could comprehend the
level of controlled schizophrenia that
this exercise demanded. No matter
what he said, Bilel was terrifying.
Oh, there are you are, my wife! he
said one night. Good news. I spoke
with the qadi [judge] in Raqqa [ISISs
stronghold in Syria]. Hes looking
forward to marrying us.
Stunned, I didnt know what to say.
What are weddings like there?
Actually, were already married.
Excuse me?
I thought Id already spoken
enough about the idea of marriage
with you. I asked you to marry me
a while ago, and I talked about it with
the judge, who drew up the papers.
Were officially married, my wife!
MashaAllah. Youre really mine now.

T H A D B E E N nearly a month.
Andr feared that the longer we
let Mlodie exist, the more I was
at risk. I agreed with him. Together
with my editors, I planned the investigations end. I had told Bilel that
Yasmine and I would meet him
in Syria. He instructed me to go to
Amsterdam and then on to Istanbul.
Once I was there, he would send further instructions. Youre my jewel,
and Raqqa is your palace. Youll be
treated like a princess, he assured me.
It was true. I was really going to
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ROMANCING THE TERRORIST

Istanbul, but Andrnot Yasmine

Tell me about your trip. How did
would accompany me. The plan was you pay for the tickets?
simple: Bilel had told me an older
I stole my moms debit card.
woman known as Mother would
Youre so strong, my wife! If you
meet us there. Andr would surrep- still have the debit card, feel free to
titiously capture Mother on film for buy me some stuff.
the article. While she
What do you get for
looked for Yasmine
a man who talks about
and Mlodie, Andr
beheading people in
and I would continue
one breath and how
on to Kilis, a city near
much he loves you in
the Syrian border.
the next?
Turkey controlled it,
What do you
and it would be safer
want?
than other places.
Well, cologne! I
The stor y would
love goste by Chaend there, with a phonel or something nice
tograph of Mlodie
from Dior.
looking out at the
OK, baby. Can we
Syrian border from
talk about tomorrow?
You cant talk to What is going to hapbehind. The journalme like that. Do
ist would stop at the
pen after we meet
doors to hell, and
Mother?
you know who I
Mlodie would step
Actually, nobody
am? I command
through them. We
will be there to meet
were finally wrapping
you.
a hundred
this up. At least thats
But that wasnt
soldiers!
what I thought.
the plan, Bilel, I said,
A few days later,
my voice genuinely
I was in a tiny hotel
frayed with anxiety.
room in Amsterdam when Bilel Skyped. You were adamantas was Ithat a
Salaam alaikum, my darling; woman come to meet us. You told me
are you really in Amsterdam? I cant we would be safe.
believe it. Youll be here soon. Im the
Listen to me, he said, his tone
happiest man on earth. I love you, my hardening. Youre going to shut up
wife.
for a minute and let me speak. When
Id never seen him look so happy. you arrive at the airport in Istanbul,
Bilel was alone in an Internet caf. buy two one-way tickets for Urfa.
Hed just finished work.
Urfa? Urfa was infiltrated by the
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READERS DIGEST

Islamic State. Going there was suicide.

All I ask is that you respect what
youve promised me.
You cant talk to me like that! Im
the one who gives orders around here,
not you. From now on, youre going to
shut up. Dont you know who I am?
I command a hundred soldiers every
day. I havent even told you a quarter
of the truth!
When the conversation ended,
I tore off the hijab. Everything was falling apart. I phoned my editor in chief,
who gave me orders to wrap up this
story. To put things in perspective,
she reminded me that two French
journalists sent to the Urfa region
had just been freed after ten months
of captivity at the hands of ISIS. The
next morning, we flew home.
Mlodie sent Bilel a Skype message
from the airport informing him that
a strange man had questioned the
girls. Yasmine and Mlodie felt they
were being watched, and they decided to return to France until better
circumstances presented themselves.

ACK HOME, my editors were

realizing just how much information I had: Bilel had
revealed many details about the structure of ISIS and the way new recruits
were treated. I began writing.
A week later, the magazine published my article under a pseudonym.
Out of fear that the terrorists could

trace me, I moved out of my apartment

and twice changed my phone number.
I stopped counting the number
of statements Ive given to various
branches of the police when it reached
254. An antiterrorist judge also asked
to hear my testimony after my real
identity started appearing in a number of their files. According to those
files, Bilel has three wives, ages 20, 28,
and 39. Theyre all with him in Syria.
He is the father of at least three boys
under the age of 13. The two eldest are
already fighting on the front in Syria.
I never had direct contact with Bilel
again. But recently, a journalist friend
called to tell me hed learned there
was a fatwa against me.
I found a video on the Web that
showed me wearing Mlodies veil
on my couch. It was taken, I imagine, by Bilel. Theres no audio, but it
does include cartoon characters of
a devil and bilingual, French and
Arabic, subtitles. Ive seen the video
only once, but I remember every word:
My brothers from around the
world, I issue a fatwa against this
impure person who has scorned the
Almighty. If you see her anywhere on
earth, follow Islamic law and kill her.
Make sure she suffers a long and painful death. Whoever mocks Islam will
pay for it in blood. Shes more impure
than a dog. Rape, stone, and finish
her. InshaAllah.
I dont think Ill watch it again.

FROM THE BOOK IN THE SKIN OF A JIHADIST BY ANNA ERELLE. COPYRIGHT 2015 BY ANNA ERELLE.
REPRINTED WITH PERMISSION BY HARPERCOLLINS PUBLISHERS, HARPERCOLLINS.COM.

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MY MOST UNFORGETTABLE CHARACTER

Shes been the soundtrack to my life

and one of my greatest teachers

Billie Holiday
Sang to Me
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING, when I was a little girl, my sisters
and I went to the San Francisco Conservatory of Music for what
we called Saturday classes: piano lessons, theory, music history
serious classical music training for serious little musicians. After
we got home, we had a ritual. Wed get out our dress-up from
the vintage steamer trunk that housed a collection of my mothers 1960s party dresses and my grandmothers furs, go through
my parents record collectionthe Beatles, Sinatra, Charles
Aznavour, Nat King Cole, Billie Holidayand dance around the
living room. The Billie Holiday records stopped me in my tracks.
I was enthralled by Lady Day, her dark eyes shaded by a white
gardenia, her world-worn voice, and the mood and phrasing, line
and color that she brought to even the simplest tune.
In my diary, when I was eight, I made a careful list in perfect
cursive of all my favorite things. My favorite song was Billie Holidays I Cover the Waterfrontsuch a sad song, about watching
and waiting for a love thats gone. That year was the last year of
my fathers long, slow dying. After he passed away, I spent foggy
afternoons at the window, looking out over the San Francisco
Bay, waiting for the grief to lift. I pulled out the old records at

LARA DOWNES

is a concert
pianist,
recording
artist, and
writer.

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ILLUSTRATION BY ANTHONY TREMMAGLIA

ILLUSTRATION BY JOE MCKENDRY (DOWNES)

BY LARA D OWNES FR O M T H E R U M PUS

night. I cover the waterfront, Billie

sang. Im watching the sea / Will the
one I love be coming back to me?
My father was born in Harlem and
grew up steps from the clubs where
jazz blossomed in its golden age and
where Billie Holiday was singing during his childhood. He loved jazz. In my
earliest memories, he is listening to records, the long length of him stretched
out in our living room. In the end, he
left us the memories and the records.

UR FAMILY BURIED our loss

in our music. My mother took
me and my sisters to Europe,
where we lived in the great capitals
and studied at the great conservatories
with the legendary artists of a quickly
vanishing generation. It was a very
different life, surely, than the one my
father had imagined for us. American
culture was something far away, accessed through overdubbed TV reruns,
the occasional jar of peanut butter
from an Army base commissary, and
the cheap East Bloc bootleg jazz CDs
we bought at open-air markets.
My sisters and I were growing up.
I had my first love affairs. I spent
one cold winter in Vienna practicing
Schumann all day and listening to
Billie Holiday records all night, missing
a boy an ocean away. Schumann and
Lady Day both knew a thing or two
about heartache. Ill be looking at the
moon, but Ill be seeing you, she sang.
Ten years later, I moved back to the
States. I made my way, very alone,
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through the unknown landscape

of the New York music world. I was
starting over, and it was hard. There
were moments of despair and defeat.
I practiced Ravel and Liszt all day in
a windowless sublet and listened to
Billie Holiday records at night. Beautiful to take a chance, she sang. I found
new courage and took some chances
and had some astonishing luck
a competition win, a Carnegie Hall
debut recital, a recording contract.
I was hungry for American music, for
a reconnection with what was home. I
played music by Copland, Gershwin,
Bernstein, Ellington. There was something I needed to find in a musical tradition beyond category, as Ellington
put ita musical sea made of waves of
immigration and tides of change. This
distinct sound, from the concert halls
to the clubs, spoke to me because it
is everything we are, coming from so
many different places and people.
On my bedside table I have two
posed studio photographs from the
1930s. My two grandmothers: Grandmother Fay, one of seven sisters born
to Jewish immigrants from the town of
Belz in Ukraine, who grew up in Buffalo, New York, and came out to San
Francisco when my mother settled
there, who lived just a few blocks away
from us when I was little but whose
story I wish I knew better. And my
Jamaican grandmother, Ivy, who
moved as a young woman to Harlem,
who died when my father was very
small, and whose story is lost to family

P REVIOUS PAGE: GILLES P ETARD/GETTY IM AGES

B I L L I E H O L I D AY S A N G T O M E

COURTESY LA RA DOWNES

READERS DIGEST

history and memory except

for the equation of nose and
cheekbones that I see whenever I look in the mirror.
My story of race and
roots is captured in these
two faded portraits. Two
women, looking out at me
in the bloom of their youth,
framed inside the parameters of a time in which a
relationship between them
Two women who made the author who she is: her
would have been buried
grandmothers Fay Harwitz (left) and Ivy Downes
under layers of impossibilities and prejudices. Looking into their ones you learn on your own. So when
eyes, I see proof of how much change I decided to pay tribute to Billie Holihas come in two short generations, how day by recording a piano album of her
very recently their granddaughters ver- songbook, I had to take a hard look at
sion of American life became possible.
this lifetime Ive lived with her music.
My parents met at a sit-in in San I had to turn back to the nights when
Francisco in the mid-60s, and they her voice had sung me out of sadness
dreamed for their three caramel- to sleep, back to those Saturday aftercolored girls of a future color-blind noons of my childhood, and to ask
America in which race wouldnt mat- myself what Id learned from her, as
ter. But, of course, it did. From the a musician and a woman.
beginning, I was well aware of the
She was one of the most innovaundercurrent of racial complexities tive and distinctive musicians of
and complexes that run through our any genre. She was a brilliant, mesculture. Being caramel colored in merizing, self-destructive woman
America comes with a burden of con- whose life swung from tragedy to
fusions, assumptions, and questions. triumph and back again. Her voice
Living abroad shifted that burden, but spoke volumes about hard living
when I came back, I felt it again.
and heartbreak and about improvising your way through it all. She took
MUSICIAN IS B ORN and a song, any song, and made it imthen made. Everything folds mediately and forever her own. She
together: all the music you didnt follow anyones rules. If Im
hear, study, practice, and perform, going to sing like anyone else, she
all the lessons youre taught and the said, then I dont need to sing at all.

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B I L L I E H O L I D AY S A N G T O M E

When I was eight, Billie Holidays for him. But I am afraid it is still out
music taught me that something of reach. Ive been sad and turned to
beautiful could be made from sadness. the music that taught me how to find
For a musician, that is one of the most the beauty in pain. Ive been playing
powerful lessons to learn. Its what Billie Holiday songs across America
saves us. She lived a short and trou- with my musicians voice reaching
bled life, but the happiness and luck back to join hers. Ive met people who
that she did find, she found through heard her sing in Harlem when my
mu s i c . A n d f i n d i n g
father was a boy, people
your joy and strength
who were her friends
in music is something
and lost her too soon,
The magic in
I know. I know what its
people who have lived
like, when things have
making music, their whole lives with
fallen to pieces, to put
her records, as I have.
as in living life,
on a satin dress and
This music has made
go onstage and find
me new friends, told
is to forget
the secret power of a
me new stories, brought
about the rules back things I thought
woman in a satin dress
and make your listen- youve learned. Id lost a long time ago.
ers fall in love with the
Its brought me home.
music. Just like I fell in
After all the years, all
love with Billie Holidays songs.
the travels, all the music, Ive unShe gave away her heart boldly derstood the lesson Ive learned
and foolishly, and every time it was from Lady Day: that the magic in
bruised, she turned that pain into making music, as in living life, is to
something graceful and moving, in a forget about all the definitions and
song. Love is funny or its sad, its a rules you ever learned, to lean back
good thing or its bad, she sang, but against the launchpad of your hisbeautiful. There have been times tory and your experience, your losses
when Ive given my heart at the wrong and heartaches and joys, to look out
time to the wrong man. One spring I into the future and to make someplayed Rachmaninoff during the day thing that is completely your own.
and listened to Billie Holiday at night. Something that reaches deep to your
Im a fool to want you, she sang, a center and pulls out a truth powerphrase I echoed in my head.
ful enough to illuminate the moment
Its been hard to hold on to hope and to shine far ahead, into memory.
this year. Im raising a caramel-colored Something unexpected, something
boy of my own and would like to think indefinable, perhaps complicated,
that my parents dream can come true but beautiful.
THE RUMPUS (SEPTEMBER 22, 2015), COPYRIGHT BY LARA DOWNES, THERUMPUS.NET.

Thats Outrageous!
HELP WANTED

NEEDED: SOMEONE WHO

WILL ANSWER THE PHONE
LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

New York Citys Department

of Health may have a job
opening soon if one of its
employees doesnt stop
screwing around.
It seems that
management
does not care for
the fact that the
twice-suspended
help-line operator keeps answering
IT calls by talking like a robot.
Source: New York

CAN YOU PASS A SIMPLE TEST?

An Egyptian bus driver had an

ingenious plan to beat a mandatory
drug test: He used his wifes urine.
Nevertheless, he failed the test. He
found out when his boss handed
him the results and reportedly said,
Congratulations; youre pregnant.
Source: BBC News

LOOKING FOR A HOUSE SITTER

WHO WILL ACTUALLY WATCH
THE HOUSE. A San Francisco cou-

ple got quite the surprise when they

returned home from the Burning
Man Festival last Septemberthe
ILLUSTRATION BY NICK DAUPHIN

house sitter theyd hired

had rented out their
apartment on Airbnb.
Source: seattlepi.com

DO YOU HAVE
A PULSE?
YOURE HIRED!

The city of New

York had trouble
with another employee. This one,
his bosses claimed,
abandoned his job when he missed
18 months of work. An administrative
law judge even recommended firing
the slacker when he didnt bother
to show up for his hearing. Turns out,
the employee would have loved to
have gone to workeven to the
hearingsave for one small detail:
He was dead.
Source: rawstory.com
WANTED: A FRANK SINATRA FAN.

When singer Zayn Malik quit the

British boy band One Direction last
year, young women were inconsolable. How upset? An employment
firm reports that companies were
inundated with requests from female
employees for time off while they
recovered from the devastating news.
Source: telegraph.co.uk

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WHO

KNEW

13 Things

Sleep
Doctors

Wont
Tell You

BY MIC H E L L E C R O U C H

You may not need eight hours of

sleep. The latest research shows
the right amount is what leaves you
energized the next day. Im a sleep
doctor, and Ive been a six-and-ahalf-hour sleeper my entire adult life.
Ditch the pajamas. Sleeping in
the buff lets your skin breathe and
keeps your body cool, which makes
it easier to fall asleep and sleep
soundly. It also boosts intimacy.
One study found couples who sleep
naked are more likely to report being
happy in their relationships.
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Ive cured more insomnia than

you can imagine by telling people
its OK to fall asleep with the TV on.
A lot of people simply cant turn off
their brains, but watching TV helps.
Put it on a timer so it doesnt disrupt
your sleep later in the night.

Many people cant sleep unless

certain music is playing. Some
adults always sleep with teddy bears.
I even have one patient who has to
shake a leg vigorously for 15 minutes
while she falls asleep. I have no idea
why, but it works for her.
ILLU STRATION BY SERGE BLOCH

A nightcap doesnt work. It may

relax you so you nod off quicker,
but studies show youll wake up
more and get less of the REM sleep
you need to feel rested.

Have a snoring bed partner?

Hidden allergies are a big cause
of snoring. Congestion narrows nasal
passages, creating the vibrations that
cause snoring. A decongestant or an
antihistamine can help quiet it.

sleep studies, we see a difference on

your electrocardiogram (a recording
of your hearts electrical activity)
from just one cup of coffee.

11

Sleeping on your stomach is the

worst position for your neck and
spine. The best? On your back with a
pillow under your knees for support.

12

One woman was worried because

she woke up every day at 4 a.m.
and couldnt get back to sleep. But
when I asked her what time she went
to bed, she said 8 p.m. In certain
cases, you dont have insomnia;
youre just going to bed too early.

Most people have no idea how

many strange sleep disorders
there are. People with REM sleep
behavior disorder act out violent
dreams. Those with sleep paralysis
are awake but cant move for a few
seconds to a few minutes. Those with
exploding head syndrome experience
loud noises in their heads as they
transition in and out of sleep.

13

To calm a racing mind, write

down your worries and how
youll address them tomorrow. Then
try a mental exercise to occupy your
brain, like counting up by sevens.

If you have insomnia, consider

a referral to a clinical psychologist
who specializes in sleep. He or she
will use an effective technique, cognitive behavioral therapy, that gets to
the root of the problem. Some studies
show it works better than drugs.

10

No one is immune to caffeine.

Even if you can easily nod off
after a cup of joe, the caffeine keeps
you in light stages of sleep. During

I once treated a State Bureau

of Investigation agent who
was taken out of the field because he
fell asleep during stakeouts. He had
severe sleep apnea, so I put him on
a CPAP machine (which delivers
constant air to the nose). Two weeks
later, his wife hugged me and said,
Thank you for giving me my husband back. As they walked out, she
handed me a stack of papers and
said, I wont need these anymore.
It was their divorce papers. That kind
of story is why Im a sleep doctor.
Sources: Board-certified sleep specialists Stephanie
Silberman, PhD, in Fort Lauderdale, Florida; Muhammad
Najjar, MD, at Northshore Sleep Medicine in Evanston,
Illinois; Meir H. Kryger, MD, former chair of the National
Sleep Foundation; and Michael Breus, PhD, author of
Good Night: The Sleep Doctors 4-Week Program to Better
Sleep and Better Health

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WHO KNEW?

Mind-Blowing Facts
About Some Beloved Songs
BY BRAND O N S P E CKTO R

The first commercial CD pressed

in the United States was Bruce
Springsteens Born in the U.S.A.
Bob Marley gave songwriting
credits on No Woman No Cry to
his childhood friend Vincent Ford,
who ran a soup kitchen in Jamaica.
Royalties from the hit song helped
keep the kitchen running.
Simon and Garfunkel bickered
nonstop while recording Bridge
over Troubled Water. Garfunkel
wanted Simon to sing it (Im sorry
I didnt, Simon has said), and Simon
never liked Garfunkels closing Sail
on, silver girl verse.
The iconic whistle in (Sittin on)

the Dock of the Bay was improvised

when Otis Redding forgot what he was
supposed to sing during the outro.
Michael Jackson was so absorbed
in writing Billie Jean on a ride
home from the studio one day that
he didnt even notice his car was on
fire. A passing motorcyclist alerted
himsaving the King of Pop and
one of the worlds catchiest tunes.
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Paul McCartney woke up one

morning with the tune to Yesterday
in his head but not the lyrics. The
placeholder words he worked with:
Scrambled eggs oh, my baby, how
I love your legs ...
The BBC banned Bing Crosbys
Ill Be Home for Christmas during
World War II, worried its sickly
sentimentality would lower the
morale of homesick troops.
Barry Manilows I Write the
Songs was written by someone
else (on-again/off-again Beach Boy
Bruce Johnston, to be exact).
Led Zeppelins Stairway to
Heaven was the most-requested
radio song of the 70s. Yet singer/
lyricist Robert Plant once pledged
$1,000 to a public radio station that
promised to never play it again.
(Ive heard it before, he later said.)
The dude in Aerosmiths Dude
(Looks like a Lady) is Mtley Cre
frontman Vince Neil, whose long
blond locks Aerosmith mistook for
a womans at a bar one night.
PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST

P ROP STYLIST: JOJO LI FOR HELLO A RTI STS

The Caroline in Neil Diamonds

Sweet Caroline is none other than
Caroline Kennedy, whom Neil saw
in a magazine photo in the 60s.
It was a picture of a little girl dressed
to the nines in her riding gear, next
to her pony, he recalled.
The chord that starts Jimi Hendrixs

Purple Haze is a tritoneknown

as the devils interval and banned
from some Renaissance church
music for sounding too evil.
Number of songs Elvis Presley
recorded: more than 800. Number of
songs Elvis Presley wrote solo: zero.
(He earned a few cowriting credits.)

Girls Just Want to Have Fun

was written by a boy. Philadelphia

singer Robert Hazard wrote and recorded the original version four years
before Cyndi Lauper made it a hit.
Somewhere over the Rainbow
(listed by American Film Institute as
the greatest film song ever) is about
a girl lifting herself up from rural
Kansas but also about America rising
up from the Great Depression under
FDR s New Deal, of which song
cowriter Yip Harburg was a supporter.
Queen and David Bowie wrote
Under Pressure in one night (then
got pizza).

Sources: rollingstone.com, songfacts.com, historyofinformation.com, prx.org,

elvis.com, mentalfloss.com, theguardian.com, britannica.com

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LOOK
TWICE

 What do you see?

A) Waves hitting a red beach,
B) ice-cold fruit punch, or
C) tonights main course?
Answer: C. Photographer Cherry Li snapped
this close-up of an icy fish fillet for a Beijing
sushi bar that prides itself on using quality
ingredientsand in the sushi biz, that rarely
means catch of the day. To kill parasites and
preserve flavor, most of the uncooked fish
used in sushi must be frozen at subzero temperatures for anywhere from 15 hours (the FDAs
recommended minimum) to several years. Your
taste buds would never know the difference.

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WHO KNEW?

CIA psychologists dig into the mysterious minds

of world leaders in these incredible secret reports

Psychoanalyzing Dictators
BY DAV E G I L S O N F R OM MOT H E R JO N E S

A SECRET PENTAGON 2008

study concluded that Russian

president Vladimir Putins defining
characteristic is autism.
Scrutinizing hours of Putin footage, the Department of Defense
researchers found that the Russian
president carries a neurological
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drome, an autistic disorder that

affects all of his decisions.
Putins spokesman dismissed the
claim as stupidity not worthy of
comment. But it was far from the first
time the intelligence community tried
to diagnose foreign leaders from
afar on behalf of American politicians
and diplomats. The CIA has a long
history of crafting psychological
ILLUSTRATION BY JOHN CUNEO

profiles of international figures, with

varying degrees of accuracy. Enjoy
this sampling of its attempts to get
inside the heads of heads of state.

ADOLF HITLER
In 1943, the Office of Strategic
Services, the CIAs World War IIera
predecessor, commissioned Henry A.
Murray of the Harvard Psychological
Clinic to evaluate Hitlers personality
based on remote observations. Murray and his colleagues returned with
an unsparing 240-page assessment.
DIAGNOSIS: Hitler was an insecure,
impotent, masochistic, and suicidal
neurotic narcissist.
FROM THE REPORT:
There is little disagreement

among psychologists that Hitlers

personality is an example of the
counteractive type, marked by
intense and stubborn efforts to overcome early disabilities, weaknesses,
and humiliations (wounds to selfesteem), and by efforts to revenge
injuries and insults to pride.
He suffered from hysterical blindness while he was a soldier in World
War I. This psychosomatic illness
was concomitant with the final defeat
of Mother Germany, and it was after
hearing of her capitulation that he
had his vision of his task as savior.
Suddenly his sight was restored.
The dossier predicted eight possible finales for the fhrer, including
going insane, sacrificing himself
in battle, contriving to be killed by

a Jewish assassin, and committing

suicide: Hitler has often vowed
that he would commit suicide if his
plans miscarried; but if he chooses
this course, he will do it at the last
moment and in the most dramatic
possible manner For us it would
be an undesirable outcome.

NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV
The CIA profiled the Soviet premier
in advance of his 1961 meeting with
President John F. Kennedy in Vienna.
Reading up on his adversary got JFK
hooked on CIA personality profiles
particularly salacious secrets about
foreign leaders. Meanwhile, the
Soviets also profiled Kennedy for
Khrushchev, describing him as a
typical pragmatist whose liberalism is rather relative.
DIAGNOSIS: The CIA saw Khrushchev as a crude peasant who liked
to be unpredictable and two-faced.
FROM THE REPORT:
An uninhibited ham actor who

sometimes illustrates his points

with barnyard humor, Khrushchev
is endowed on occasion with
considerable personal dignity.
He is immoderately sensitive to
slightsreal or imaginedto himself, his political faith, or his nation,
all of which he views more or less
interchangeably.
Capable of extraordinary frankness, and in his own eyes no doubt
unusually honest, Khrushchev can
also be expert in calculated bluffing.
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WHO KNEW?

It is often hard to distinguish when

he is voicing real conviction and
when he is dissembling.
It is also difficult with Khrushchev
to tell whether his anger is real or
feigned He is less able to conceal
his formidable temper when he
is tired.

Whenever his self-concept is

FIDEL CASTRO

In the early 1980s, the CIA tried to

make sense of the Libyan strongman
whose erratic actions were worrying
the Reagan administration. Investigative journalist Bob Woodward
quotes the study in his book Veil: The
Secret Wars of the CIA.
DIAGNOSIS: Despite popular belief
to the contrary, Qaddafi is not psychotic, the report said. He was, however, judged to suffer from a severe
personality disturbancea borderline personality disorder.

slightly disrupted by criticism, he

becomes so emotionally unstable as
to lose to some degree his contact
with reality.
Castros egotism is his Achilles
heel.

MUAMMAR QADDAFI
The CIAs psychiatric staff published
a secret report on the Cuban leader
in December 1961.
DIAGNOSIS: Fidel Castro is not
technically crazy, the CIA says,
but he is so highly neurotic and
unstable a personality as to be
quite vulnerable to certain kinds
of psychological pressure.
FROM THE REPORT:
The outstanding neurotic

elements in his personality are his

hunger for power and his need for
the recognition and adulation of
the masses.
Castro has a constant need to
rebel, to find an adversary, and
to extend his personal power by
overthrowing existing authority.

FROM THE REPORT:

Under severe stress, he is subject

to bizarre behavior when his judgment may be faulty.

His behavior could have been attributed to an approaching or actual
midlife crisis.

MOTHER JONES (FEBRUARY 2015), COPYRIGHT 2015 BY MOTHER JONES, MOTHERJONES.COM.

HOW MUCH IS A BUTTLOAD?

Its 130 gallons. According to the imperial measurement system,
a butt (from the French botte, meaning boot) is the
second-largest size of wine cask you can get.
Source: gizmodo.com

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Thanks to BetterWOMAN,

CONNECTIONS:
Your link to values and insights each month

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WHO KNEW?

Since eBay launched in

1995, its users have sold
more than three billion
items. Once in a blue
moon, something truly
invaluable shows up.

Priceless
Things
Sold on eBay

BY MA RC M A N C I N I F R OM ME N TAL FLOSS

A CHUNK OF MARS

Starting price: $450,000

Sold for: $450,000
The odds against a rock forming
on Mars, being knocked into space
by an asteroid, and crash-landing on
Earth are, well, astronomical. In fact,
of the roughly 60,000 meteorite
specimens known to science, only
124 have originated from Mars.
A fragment from one of these was
auctioned in 2003.
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ONE OF ALBERT
EINSTEINS
HANDWRITTEN LETTERS

Starting price: $3,000,000

Sold for: $3,000,100
In 1954, the great physicist penned
a candid letter to Jewish philosopher
Erik Gutkind in which he defended
his views on ethics, religion, and human nature. Nearly six decades later,
it caused a minor media sensation
by showing up on eBay.
PHOTOGRAPH BY CLAIRE BENOIST

THE ORIGINAL
HOLLYWOOD SIGN

Starting price: $300,000

Sold for: $450,400
Built in 1923 as a real estate
gimmick, the maiden set of oversize
HOLLYWOOD letters overlooked
L.A. until it was replaced by a newer
group in 1978. The former landmark
finally found a home after being
auctioned off in 2005.

P ROP STYLIST: SHARON RYA N FOR HALLEY RESOURCES

THE TOWN OF
BRIDGEVILLE, CA

Starting price: $700,000

Status: SOLDTWICE!
You get an entire working town,
proclaimed a 2002 ad. With the
proper development, Bridgeville can
become an economic powerhouse.
An anonymous businessman
emerged victorious by laying down
an impressive $1.77 million but
backed out of the deal upon actually
visiting some of the towns dilapidated homes. Nevertheless, the town
did find a new buyer, who proceeded
to resell it through eBay in 2006this
time for $1.25 million. Since then,
Bridgeville has changed hands yet
again (without eBays help).

A NEW SPECIES OF
SEA URCHIN

Starting price: $9.50

Sold for: $138
Draped in warm hues of cream and
purple, the Coelopleurus exquisitus
urchin is a dazzling creature.
But incredibly, marine biologists
didnt discover it by exploring the
open sea; they found it on eBay.
Two colleagues at the Natural
History Museum in London determined that a specimen being sold
there by one collector did, in fact,
hail from a species previously
unknown to science.

THE MEANING
OF LIFE

Starting price: 1 CENT

Sold for: $3.26
A mystical North Carolinian decided
to give Monty Python a run for
its money back in 2000. I have
discovered the reason for our
existence, he wrote, and will be
happy to share this information
with the highest bidder. Since then,
neither the buyer nor the seller has
gone public with the contents of his
revelation.

MENTAL FLOSS (APRIL 2014). COPYRIGHT 2014 BY MENTAL FLOSS, INC., MENTALFLOSS.COM.

LAUGHTER IS THE BEST DEFENSE

If your enemy is laughing, how can he bludgeon you to death?
MEL BROOKS

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139

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IT PAYS TO INCREASE YOUR

Word Power
Latin is not the official language of any country today, but far from
defunct, its thriving in hundreds of our common English expressions.
Whether its alias (somewhere else) or veto (I forbid), Caesars language is
entwined with ours. Pro bono (that is, free) answers on next page.
BY EM ILY COX & H ENRY RATH VO N

1. verbatim (ver-'bay-tuhm) adv.

9. ergo ('er-goh) adv.A: as soon

A: slowly and carefully. B: without

stopping. C: word for word.

as. B: therefore. C: otherwise.

10. circa (suhr-'kuh) prep.A: about

2. mea culpa (may-uh 'kul-puh) n.

or around. B: after. C: between.

A: congratulations. B: acknowledgment of fault. C: wavering decision.

11. persona non grata (per-'soh-nuh

3. bona fide ('boh-nuh fiyd) adj.

A: genuine. B: secret. C: at home.

4. non sequitur (nahn-'seh-kwuh-

tuhr) n.A: odd man out. B: comment that doesnt follow logically.
C: failure to obey.
5. ad infinitum (ad in-fuh-'niy-tuhm)

adv.A: imitating. B: without end.

C: making a bold display.
6. status quo (sta-tuhs 'kwoh) n.

A: good reputation. B: current state

of affairs. C: complete sentence.
7. magnum opus ('mag-nuhm 'ohpuhs) n.A: masterpiece. B: large
debt. C: giant squid.
8. per capita (per 'ka-puh-tuh)
adv.A: financially. B: in block
letters. C: for each person.

nahn 'grah-tuh) adj.A: fake.

B: thankless. C: unwelcome.
12. semper fidelis (sem-per fuh-

'day-luhs) adj.A: at attention.

B: innocent. C: always loyal.
13. carpe diem (kar-peh 'dee-uhm)

interj.A: happy anniversary!

B: seize the day! C: listen, please!
14. quasi ('kwah-ziy) adj.

A: a bit seasick. B: having some

resemblance. C: part time.
15. quid pro quo (kwid proh 'kwoh)
n.A: something given or received
for something else. B: vote in favor.
C: generous tip.

To play an interactive version of

Word Power on your iPad, download the
Readers Digest app.
rd.com

032016

141

WORD POWER

Answers
1. verbatim[C] word for word.
If you dont repeat the magic spell
verbatim, the cave door wont open.

9. ergo[B] therefore. The groom

was late; ergo, the crowdand the
brideappeared unsettled.

2. mea culpa[B] acknowledgment

of fault. Whenever Art misses a fly
ball, he says, Mea culpa!

10. circa[A] about or around. It

was circa 1978 that Juliana first started
collecting Peanuts memorabilia.

3. bona fide[A] genuine. I was

waiting for a bona fide apology after
my argument with customer service.

11. persona non grata[C] unwelcome. After I dropped the ball and
didnt call my best friend for years,
he declared me persona non grata.

4. non sequitur[B] comment that

doesnt follow logically. We were discussing the film when Taylor threw in
a non sequitur about her new kitchen.
5. ad infinitum[B] without end.
Dont get my sister started on
politics, or shell start hurling her
opinions ad infinitum.
6. status quo[B] current state of
affairs. The new CEOs structural

moves have really

changed the status
quo for the better.
7. magnum

opus[A] master-

piece. I think of
Good Vibrations
as Brian Wilsons
magnum opus.
8. per capita[C]

for each person.

Ever the economist,
Mom said, Just
one lollipop per
capita, kids.
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12. semper fidelis[C] always loyal.

Jack typically shortens the U.S. Marines motto to a yell of Semper fi!
13. carpe diem[B] seize the day!
Dont sit around procrastinating, you
sluggardcarpe diem!
14. quasi[B] having some resemblance. With a broom handle and
three wires, I invented a quasi guitar.
15. quid pro quo

TRIVIAL PURSUIT
The word trivia is Latin for
three roads (tri + via).
Whats the connection?
In ancient times, at a major
crossroads, there was typically a kiosk listing regional
information. Or you might
find a group of local gossipers there. Travelers could
learn local facts at these
intersectionsbut the information might sometimes
have seemed commonplace.

[A] something
given or received
for something else.
Offer me trading
advice, and Ill chip
in some tech help;
its a quid pro quo.
VOCABULARY
RATINGS

9 & below: cum laude

1012: magna
cum laude
1315: summa
cum laude

Humor in Uniform

Lets try this one more time, soldierwheres the other shoe?!

IN COLLEGE, my freshman-year
roommate was in ROTC and came

from a long line of military men.

Trask (his last name) used that
heritage to lord it over me. But I had
the last laugh.
One night, he returned to the
dorm in his perfectly pressed
uniform, his newly acquired name
tag in his hand. Reluctantly, he
showed it to me. In large gold letters
was printed: TRASH.
GARY SEVERSON, N o o k s a c k , Wa s h i n g t o n

ILLUSTRATION BY TERESA BURNS PARKHURST

MY 90-YEAR-OLD DAD was giving

a talk at our local library about his

World War II experiences. During
the question-and-answer period, he
was asked, How did you know the
war was over?
He replied, When they stopped
shooting at me.
LYNETTE COMBS, N o r f o l k , Vi r g i n i a

Send us your funniest military anecdote

or news storyit might be worth $100!
Go to rd.com/submit for details.

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143

WE DIDNT LOSE
THE GAME; WE JUST
RAN OUT OF TIME .
V I N C E LO M BA R D I ,

former Green Bay

Packers coach

Anxietys like a rocking

chair. It gives you
something to do, but it
doesnt get you very far.
J O D I P I CO U LT, a u t h o r

Shared joy is double joy, and

shared sorrow is half-sorrow.
SW E D I S H P R OV E R B

A STRANGER RINGS;
A FRIEND KNOCKS.
DAV E E G G E R S , a u t h o r a n d p u b l i s h e r

It has always been easy to

hate and destroy. To build and to
cherish is much more difficult.
Q U E E N E LIZ A B E TH I I

J OA N R IV E R S ,

A SHIP DOES
NOT SAIL
WITH
YESTERDAYS
WIND.

comedian

LO U I S LA M O U R , n o v e l i s t

I wish I could tell you

it gets better, but it
doesnt get better.
You get better.

Readers Digest (ISSN 0034-0375) (USPS 865-820), (CPM Agreement# 40031457), Vol. 187, No. 1118, March 2016. 2016. Published monthly,
except bimonthly in July/August and December/January (subject to change without notice), by Trusted Media Brands, Inc., 44 South Broadway,
White Plains, New York 10601. Periodicals postage paid at White Plains, New York, and at additional mailing offices. POSTMASTER: Send address
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Quotable Quotes

Sweet raisins and tart cranberries.

Together at last.
I love redheads.

Kelloggs Raisin Bran with Cranberries.

The tongue-teasing taste of tart and sweet is a
delicious way to enjoy heart-healthy Raisin Bran.

Stop, Im blushing.