Entitlement Cure Sample

ZONDERVAN
The Entitlement Cure

Copyright 2015 by John Townsend
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Townsend, John Sims, 1952
The Entitlement Cure : finding success in doing hard things the right way / Dr. John
Townsend.1 [edition].
pagescm
ISBN978-0-310-33052-3(hardcover)
1. SuccessReligious aspectsChristianity. I. Title.
BV4598.3.T692015
170'.44dc23
2015015677
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Cover design: James Hall
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Edited by Sandra Vander Zicht and Verlyn Verbrugge
First printing July 2015 / Printed in the United States of America
9780310330523_EntitlementCure_int_HC.indd 8
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Contents
Acknowledgments
1. This Disease Has a Cure

2. The Deeper Story
3. Gods Framework for the Right Way of Life
4. Helping Others Who Are Stuck in Entitlement
5. Motivation: Why Do All This Hard Stuff, Anyway?
6. Discipline and Structure:
More Doable than You Think
7. Create a Self-Image That Actually Helps You

8. Change I Deserve to I Am Responsible
9. Do the Hard Things First
10. Keep Inconvenient Commitments
11. Respect the Future
12. The People Factor: Fuel or Failure
13. Say I Was Wrong
14. Face the Pain That Gets You Somewhere
15. Take a Meaningful Risk Every Week
Conclusion: The Path
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15
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Notes 275
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Chapter 1
This Disease
Has a Cure
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Two stories, two different worlds, same problem.

A c ouple contacted me about some trouble with their twentyfive-year-old son, who was still living at home. He had quit
college and was unemployed after losing several minimum-wage
jobs. He spent his days playing video games with his friends and
his evenings partying. The couple had tried everything to get
their son motivated to move on in his life. Theyd had friends
give him job interviews and had tried to get him interested in
an online degree, at their expense. After more than a year of no
changes, they were at their wits end.
We met in my office in southern California. Dad had driven
from his office and wore an open-necked dress shirt, slacks, and
a frustrated expression. The son, in jeans and a T-shirt, sat with
arms crossed. His facial expression and his overall manner were
detached, as if expressing that nothing anyone said here would
matter. Mom sat between them, in jeans and a blouse, anxiously
looking back and forth between her two men.
As the discussion progressed, it quickly became clear that parents and son did not see life the same way. In fact, their viewpoints
could not have been more polarized.
Mom and Dad had grown up in a middle-class environment
and had worked their way through college. Both had continued to
work through the child-rearing years. They believed that taking
responsibility made you a better person.
Their son, on the other hand, had grown up in better financial
circumstances than either of his parents had enjoyed as children.
Yet, though hed been given more, he gave less. He had no interest in work and a great deal of interest in having fun.
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When I asked him about his side of the situation, he spoke at
first about wanting to get on with his life. He had a plan to leave
home and begin a career, he said, but his parents just werent
patient and encouraging enough. He blamed them for his lack of
progress. If they would get off my back and support me, he said,
Id get my life together faster.
I kept digging away with questions, probing to expose how
he really felt. Finally, we got to the core of things: Why should
I leave? he said. And when I asked what he meant, he replied,
Things are fine. I have a nice home and I have fun with my
friends. The only problem is their attitude. If they would chill out,
it would all be great. Im their son. They owe me.
I sat back, looked at each of them in turn, and said, Hes right
about one thing: As far as hes concerned, things are fine. He has
a comfortable living situation that he likes, and he has to do little
to earn it. As long as he thinks you owe him this, nothing is likely
to change.
Now shift gears. A different situation, this time a business
scenario. I consulted with a company that had an energetic and
extroverted sales manager, but whose team was just not pulling in
its numbers. Her p eople had serious performance problems.
I interviewed her in her office. She was in her late thirties,
dressed in an understated business-casual style. Pictures of her kids
and husband adorned the walls. At the beginning of our session,
she was defensive, insisting that her boss hadnt made his expectations clear and that he had not resourced her with enough staff and
data to do her job properly. But I had already received information
from her boss showing that this wasnt true. The company had
done a good job of setting her up for success; she simply hadnt
produced.
Finally, I said, Youre a very relational person. I think you
are friendly and warm with others, and you work hard. But still,
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This Disease Has a Cure

apparently, you arent closing deals, nor is your team. The companys expectations
She interrupted: Really, though, shouldnt that be enough?
Im a good person, a caring person. I hold this office together with
my relational skills. And this company wants me to turn that off
and become a work machine with no personality. I deserve to be
appreciated for the things that I do for the company.
No matter what I did or said, I could not move her from the
position that her relational skills should be enough, even if sales
failed to come in. I knew I had a difficult assessment to give her
boss.
The Universal Disease

Do you see the common thread in these two incidents? In both
cases, the individuals preferred doing life the way they wanted to,
and they felt comfortable with their choices. They had little interest in performing difficult behaviors that didnt come naturally
to them.
And both of their lives had stopped working.
The most important commonality, however, is that both
expressed attitudes of entitlement. Entitlement is the belief that I
am exempt from responsibility and I am owed special treatment.
Entitlement is: The man who thinks he is above all the rules.
The woman who feels mistreated and needs others to make it up
to her.
I need you to understand the concept of entitlement thoroughly, so that you can recognize it and help others get past it. It is
not always easy to understand. Entitlement is not the person who
has needs or struggles that she cannot deal with on her own. She
is in need. Chronically ill individuals and disabled veterans often
are in great need of help, and we need to help them. Entitlement
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is the person who is capable of taking care of himself and still
expects others to do that for him, because he feels he is owed that.
This includes the able-bodied adult child who continues to live
with his parents, refusing to work, to contribute to the homes
upkeep, or even to clean up after himself. It can also include the
worker who takes advantage of disability benefits after she has
recovered.
Entitlement is not the person who keeps trying to please
herboss but lacks either the skills or the clear instruction from
management to perform well, and who is therefore always getting
poor job evaluations. Entitlement is the person whose poor job
evaluations result from her refusal to invest herself in her job and
who consistently underperforms, not because she lacks the skills
or hasnt received clear instructions from management but simply
because she sees no reason to; shebelieves shedeserves that paycheck for reasons completely unrelated to how well she performs,
and that the company is lucky to have her.
Entitlement isnot the spouse who feels inadequate because her
partner is always expressing his frustration with their marriage
and with the role she plays in it, even though she tries hard and
wants things to be better. Entitlement is the spouse who thinks
everything going wrong in their marriage is his partners fault,
and that if she doesnt shape up, she just might lose him. Since he
has already made all the contribution to their marriage he needs
to just on the basis of who he is, hes completely justified in just
sitting back now and waiting for his wife to fix whatevers wrong,
without any help from him.
There are many more examples, but the many faces of entitlement will always have at leastmost of these characteristics:

1. An attitude of being specialIm exceptionaland in

fact, Im of far greater value to this marriage (or family,
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or company) than the rest of them, and thats why I
deserve special treatment. Theyre lucky to have me.

2. An attitude of being owed, of deserving something

I didnt create this situationtheyre the ones who are
always complaining. So why should I do all the work,
or even any of it? As far as Im concerned, I should just
stay in my office till theyve cleaned up the mess. And
my bonus had better not be any smaller than any of the
othersbecause of it.
3. A refusal to accept responsibilityWhy do they want

me to pay rent? I didnt ask to be born. Besides, this will
still be their house after I move out. And I cant pay rent
anyway, because I dont have a job. None of the dead-end
jobs around here are worth mytime and effort. And
theres no reason I should do my own laundryMom
has to do hers and Dads anywayshe can just do mine
at the same time. Its no extra work.
4. A denial of ones impact on othersSometimes my

husband and kids lack of responsibility bothers me, and
I say exactly what I feel. Im telling them the truth. I
dont sugarcoat it and I dont tone down my language, my
volume, or how long I talk. They overreact to what Im
saying, and thats their problem. Its a free country, and I
can say what I need to say.
Whatever the cause of the sense of entitlement, the end result

is that the person believes that he or she doesnt have to play by
the rules of responsibility, ownership, and commitment. And the
end result of entitlement is predictable: The entitled person feels
good and lives badly, while those around him feel bad about the
situation but have more successful relationships and careers.
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Its tempting to make excuses for our loved ones (or ourselves)
who evidence an attitude of entitlement, but the only effective
response is to take responsibility, not to make excuses. P
eoples
life experiences may influence them toward entitlement. But they
dont create entitlement. Many p eople who have suffered greatly
in life, experiencing poverty, child abuse, and chaos, still take
responsibility for their lives and choices, blaming no one. And
there are individuals who have had it alllove, support, opportunitywho nevertheless see themselves as owedby life, by
society, by those around them.
This is important to know if you have an entitled person in
your life. You may feel responsible for the part you may have
played in inf luencing that attitude, or you may simply feel compassion for their circumstances. And its certainly possible that
you may have made mistakes in your relationship with them. Its
possible that life may have thrown them curves. But those mistakes, those curveballs of life, do not create irresistibly an entitlement attitude; if they did, then all p eople who experienced those
things would approach life with an attitude of entitlement, and
they dont. At some point in life, p eople choose entitlement. They
direct themselves toward an entitled viewpoint. Why? Ultimately,
its becauseat least in their viewit is the Easy Way.
We see the word entitlement all over the mediawhen movie
stars misbehave, when marriages go south, or when a young person displays extreme selfishness. You can find scores of examples
of this mentality in families, in business, and even in the church.
Entitlement has profound negative impacts:
Companies that must deal with unmotivated employees
Parents faced with raising self-centered children
Dating relationships that dont work because of an Im
special, and I deserve more than youre giving me attitude
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Young adults who refuse to grow up and so go nowhere
Leaders who expect special treatment because of their position, not because of their character
Marriages torn apart by the narcissism of a spouse
Ministries saddled with prima donna leadership
Professionals who wander from job to job looking for a
place that will see them as the wunderkind they consider
themselves to bewhether theyre productive or not
In short, entitlement has become a serious problem in our society, and its not getting better. It is impossible to calculate its cost
in lack of company productivity, family success, relational love,
emotional health, and spiritual vibrancy. Our world suffers greatly
from a culture that supports entitlement.
The disease is not limited to any age or socioeconomic demographic. In my organizational consulting and in my psychological
counseling, I have worked with seriously entitled people in their
eighties and with highly responsible individuals in their teens.
The disease cuts a wide swath.
Nor does the word entitlement, as Im using it in this book, have
anything to do with politics or government programs. The word
has, in some circles, become a shorthand for tax-funded benefits
to those who may or may not deserve them. For the duration
of this book, forget that use of the word entirely. Im talking
about something entirely differentsomething thats as likely to
affect the critic of government programs as it is the programs
beneficiaries.
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The Challenge of Living with an Entitled Person

I consistently encounter among those who have entitled p eople
in their lives, three emotions. All three are difficult and negative:
Alienation. Entitled people arent easy to be around. Their attitude and their behavior produce consequences none of us wants
to experience. P
eople who live around an employee, a coworker,
a spouse, or a child who feels above it all generally feel disconnected and alienated from the entitled individual. We all find it
hard to relate to someone who thinks he or she is superior in some
way to the rest of the human race and therefore shouldnt have to
play by the rules. One father told me, I remember being full of
myself in my twenties. But I did care about how I impacted my
friends and family. My daughters level of entitlement is something
else entirely, and I cant relate to it. There is just nowhere to go in
the conversation. She simply doesnt care how she affects us in the
family, much less how she is impacting her future.
Anger. What does the Bible teach about the daily responsibilities of life? For each one should carry their own load (Galatians
6:5). God expects us to spend time and energy carrying our loads
of responsibility for family, finances, and other challenges. Thats
how a successful life works. So what happens when someone in
your life takes little ownership of their own load, leaving you to
make up the difference? You feel angry, which makes sense. You
feel that everything is not right, because it truly isnt right.
Today as I filled up my car at a serv ice station, down an adjacent street a teenager drove insanely fast for one block. From one
stoplight to the next, for about a hundred yards, his tires squealed
and his muff ler roared. Then he stopped, looked around, and
smiled at the startled pedestrians. I felt angry. They felt angry.
Youd feel angry.
Helplessness. See if this sounds familiar: You speak to the entitled
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person in your life time and again about the troubling situation,
yet see no change. After a few attempts, a feeling of helplessness
sets in. Its as if all your attempts accomplish nothing. People often
feel as though their reasoned arguments and warnings, all their
loving care, fall on deaf ears.
I encounter this feeling of helplessness a great deal with parents,
employers, and spouses. They say they have tried every technique
and strategy they know. They are on the verge of ending the
relationship and walking away. While sometimes walking away is
the best thing, most of the time its the feeling of helplessness that
drives the choice to leave, best choice or not. This book will give
you more options.
Pocket Entitlement
Im describing a set of negative attitudes and behaviors that
affect us all.
All of us exhibit some level of entitled attitudes, even highly
responsible and giving p eople. Its just part of the human condition. I call this pocket entitlement. I have it, and so do you. Later in
the book, Ill show how to deal with it. The disease infects all of
us, although it affects some more than others.
This book was written primarily to help you help loved ones
and associates who struggle with the entitlement disease. But
because we all struggle with that disease in some waybecause
we all struggle with pocket entitlementyoull find that many
parts of this book address the issues in a more general way, directed
as much to you and to me as to the ones we want to help. In
truth, all parts of the book are equally applicable to those of us
who want to clean up our own act and those children, spouses,
and coworkers we want to guide through dealing with their own
entitlement issues.
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Enter the Hard Way

There is a solution to entitlement, which I call the Hard Way.
The Hard Way is the entitlement cure. It is a path of behaviors and
attitudes that undo the negative effects of entitlement, whether in
ourselves or in others.
Heres my definition of the Hard Way:
The habit of doing what is best, rather than what is
comfortable, to achieve a worthwhile outcome.
When you deem something worthwhile, be it a career or
financial dream, a great family or marriage or some self-care goal,
you have two ways to go about it. Entitlement directs you to
give the minimum, find the shortcut, and think only of yourself.
The Hard Way takes the opposite tack. This habit focuses on
doing whatever is best to reach the good goal, even if it is difficult,
uncomfortable, takes longer, and requires more energy.
Does that sound hard? Yes, it does, because yes, it is. Its hard
to wake up early in the morning and work out. Its hard to get to
work on time. Its hard to spend hours a day inputting data when
you are a creative person. Its hard to think creatively when you
are more linear. Its hard to have difficult conversations, to face
down tough challenges, and to do the same actions, over and over
again, that are required to achieve success. As the saying goes, its
called work for a reason. But it pays off, just as good sowing leads
to good reaping.
Are you hearing biblical echoes in this language? Thats
because this is a highly scriptural concept: Enter through the
narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads
to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate
and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it
(Matthew 7:1314).
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If you have a difficult relationship with an entitled person or
group, or even if you have discovered entitlement in yourself,
understand this: It doesnt have to stay this way. The Hard Way
principles work. I have used them in many, many situations and
relationships. In fact, the two examples I cited at the beginning of
this chapter both worked out well when the entitled individuals
applied the principles and skills described in this book. The steps are
both practical and effective. If your entitled person has little interest
in changing, then you of course cant force them to changebut
you will find help here to enable you to deal with the situation.
God originated the Hard Way, and he lives it. All through
the Bible, he does the best thing, even if it is a difficult thing. He
never avoids it. The best example of this is Jesus, who suffered
and died for no other reason than his love for a world that didnt
want him: Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be
disgraced. Therefore have I set my face like f lint, and I know I
will not be put to shame (Isaiah 50:7). Setting his face like f lint,
Jesus faced a way harder than any of the rest of us have ever had
to face and created a path for us all to be redeemed and to live.
Ultimately, the Hard Way is simply Gods Way. It is how he runs
the world, expresses his own values, and makes choices that affect
us. You might even call it the righteous path, for it is the right and
good way to live: Thus you will walk in the ways of the good and
keep to the paths of the righteous (Proverbs 2:20). Gods ways will
never fail you, even when they make you uncomfortable for a while.
The Promise
Any book that recommends the Hard Way as an entitlement
cure needs a big promise, so here it is: If you learn the principles in
this book and live them out, you will experience several positive
outcomes:
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A path to reaching your own goals and dreams. Its the best way
to get where you need to go.
Better-quality relationships. Hard Way people attract good
people, and they have a good inf luence on entitled people.
A clarified career and job direction. The Hard Way provides
you with great focus and energy.
A way to face and solve challenges. Whether our own personal
attitude toward life is entitled or not, life throws us curves,
and these principles will help you to avoid getting derailed.
Better self-care and life balance. You will find here the habits
necessary to be healthy and whole.
Spiritual growth. God draws near to those who follow his
Hard Way path.
My use of the term Hard Way may imply that theres another
side to the coin, an Easy Way. But in reality there is no Easy
Way, at least in the sense of a life of comfort, devoid of work
and struggles. There is only the Hard Wayand the Hardest
Way. You do not want the Hardest Way, because it yields the
rotten fruit of entitlement. Ultimately, entitlement fails us. We
dont develop the character abilities and relationships necessary to
become the people God intended us to be. We wont be able to
love those who can love us well. We cant succeed in the tasks and
missions God has prepared for us.
Choose the Hard Way. It truly is the right way.
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Chapter 2
The
Deeper
Story
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One of my clients is a successful business owner with a history

of entitlement. As a young man, he thought he deserved special
treatment, considered himself better than others, and in general
made himself difficult to be around. He was far more than a
disruptive class clown (although he was that, too). He f louted
school rules and disrespected and insulted teachers. The parties
he organized routinely got out of control. Finally arrested on a
serious charge, he was defensive and blamed everyone but himself.
Nowadays, however, he is known as a compassionate yet harddriving boss, well liked and respected.
Im writing a book on curing entitlement in our culture, I
told him. As a guy who has recovered from it, what was the key
for you?
He thought a moment and replied, Life had to kick me around
a lot.
Knowing his past, I agreed. This man had suffered relational
losses, financial hard times, and a lack of respect from the public
before he finally turned things around. Without question, he had
been kicked around.
I dont think thats all of it, I answered. I know a lot of
people kicked around by life who are still totally self-absorbed and
making life hard for themselves and the world.
True, he said. A lot of people I know have crashed worse
than I have, and theyre still not getting it.
I think the second piece for you, I said, was that, at some
point, you decided that you had contributed to your misery and that you
were the key to removing your misery. You stopped denying, blaming,
and excusing, and looked at the guy in the mirror. Thats when
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everything began to change. It was more than your suffering; it
was how you interpreted the cause of your suffering. Thats what
caused the shift. Theres a saying that we change when the pain
of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing. You hit
that tipping point and decided that the time had come to change.
But not everyone doesa lot of people will either remain in their
pain, continuing to hit their heads against the wall of reality, or
else someone keeps rescuing them from it.
Thats pretty much what happened to me, he admitted.
Eventually my parents and my friends decided not to enable my
bad behavior, and when I got sick of the pain, that was my tipping
point. I just wish I had done all of this sooner!
Why We Need to Know How

My friend is a classic example (and I know many) of a person
who has turned around his life by jettisoning his entitled attitudes
and behaviors. Whether youre suffering from the effects of your
own attitude of entitlement or from the entitled behavior and
attitudes of others, there is hope! I have learned over the years
what works, what helps, and what makes a difference. This book
collects the wisdom gained in those years.
But first, I think its important to understand what causes entitlement. If you recognize the process that creates this poisonous
mentality, youre halfway there. In medicine, a good diagnosis is
half the cure. This chapter explains how people end up with the
entitlement disease; the rest of the book explains how to cure
yourself and others. Help prevent the spread of the infection!
The best way to impact a family, a business, a church, or a
country is through individuals. When individuals see reality,
understand what life requires, and get motivated and resourced
to grow and change, the entire world changes. Jesus did it with
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The Deeper Story

twelve ordinary people. So when you read about the Entitled
Culture, remember that the attitude were discussing in this book
infects a great many individuals. Help change the entitlement
attitudes in the individuals around you, and you help change the
entire culture.
Heres another reason for including this chapter. I wrote it so
that your frustration and irritation with entitled individuals doesnt prompt
you to give up on them. I run into a lot of attitude and personality
issues in my work, and of all of those issues, entitlement creates
the most impatience in those around the one who evidences it.
It isnt fun to be around entitled men and women. Entitled individuals are hard to reach, and they show little concern for their
negative impact on others. Entitlement destroys relationships and
marriages. It alienates. It costs businesses a lot of money, often
through a poor work ethic and lack of focus. Its no wonder we
get so irritated, frustrated, and impatient!
I often saw evidence of those angry emotions when I started
working on this book. People would hear of my project and say,
When is it coming out? I need it NOW! I am so tired of the selfishness and slackness. When can I get your book for my company/
family/kids/friends? I have never written a book whose topic
generated such an intense reaction.
And that intense reaction came mostly from those who work
so hard, push themselves to be so responsible, do things they dont
want to do just to make sure the family, or business, or organization, stays on track ... and then watch others coasting. Someone
has to work harder to make up for that coasting, in effort, love,
money, or time. Its natural for this imbalance to cause deep discouragement and resentment.
And its just as natural to feel deep concern over how someone
you love is wasting precious time and energy, destroying relationships, undermining their jobs, and so on. Nearly all of us can
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list p eople we care about, people we worry about, whose lives
are either being destroyed or who are simply not reaching their
potential because of attitudes of entitlement.
My writing coach on this book gave me some great advice
that shaped the way I approached the material: Dont write a
finger-wagging book that just gets people even more frustrated
and feeling even more helpless. Describe the problem, but give
people solutions and hope. The same goes for our reactions to
the entitled people around us. Its easy for us to wag our fingers,
scold, condemnbut that gets us nowhere. Instead, provide
hope. Provide solutions.
The well-deserved irritation you feel at entitlement is not a
solution; in fact, it tends to feed your impatience and frustrationit could even spur you to decide impulsively to leave the
relationship or fire the employee. And that is not a decision that
should be made impulsively or in the heat of anger.
Dont let this attitude get the best of you. Instead, Do not
fret because of those who are evil or be envious of those who do
wrong (Psalm 37:1). The principles in this book will help you
feel more empowered, more hopeful, and even more patient.
The Case for Compassion

We could all stand to become more compassionate in our dealings with others, even toward the entitled individuals in our lives.
Here are three reasons:
1. Its not all their fault. Entitlement comes not only from a
persons choices and attitudes, but also from the relationship environment he grew up in, especially the key connections that affected
him deeply. To conclude hastily that a person is just that way or
chose to be this spoiled misses part of the truth. Its important to
also recognize the underlying causes of that sense of entitlement.
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The Deeper Story

Does this mean that we excuse the individuals entitled behavior? Not at all. Everyone is responsible for his or her entitlement,
completely, 100 percent, no matter the causes. A reason is not an
excuse. We are members of both a sinful and a sinned-against race.
2. We all have attitudes of entitlement, to some extent.
Each of us has the disease, with varying degrees of severity.
Everyone has some sense of being owed, or of feeling we are
better than. Its an unfortunate part of being human, and part
of Adam and Eves fall from grace.
I make a distinction between what I call global and pocket entitlement. Global entitlement permeates all of the individuals attitudes
and behavior, no matter what she is doing or saying. If you were
to follow a globally entitled person for a week, you would observe
it in many of his conversations and engagements with others. It
would come out at a coffee time at Starbucks, in an assignment at
work, through an incident at church, over an argument at home.
This person just cant see beyond her own nose and her own sense
of being special. This is hard-case entitlement.
But lots of us struggle with entitled attitudes in specific contexts
of lifenot in every situation, but only in certain ones. Thats
why I call the second category pocket entitlement. It affects only a
few areas of life and rarely shows up in the others.
For example: A friend of mine is fun to be around and a great
dad. But I visited his company one day and saw a very different
person. He was demanding and authoritarianas if the Inner
King had emerged. But when we went back to his house, he
became the same old guy.
When I asked him about it, he was surprised. He was completely unaware of his pocket entitlement, perhaps because he had
no one observing him in both areas of life.
Sometimes pocket entitlement emerges during stress. Recently,
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while at an airport on a layover on my way to an important company engagement, it came out in me. I was spinning a lot of plates,
with time-critical phone calls and emails to answer. When I heard
on the speaker system that my plane was delayed, I clearly remember thinking, Are you kidding me? Im a decent person and I work hard.
Theres an executive team waiting in a board room for me, wanting my
input, depending on me. I just do not deserve this right now! I deserved
a break, I thought, given the critical nature of my work and how
hard I work at it. They should get me a seat on another plane right now.
How entitled is that? A stressful situation had turned my pocket
entitlement on high.
So before you allow yourself to get too frustrated and irritated
at the entitled person in your life, remember first to keep taking
the beam out of your own eye (Matthew 7:5). The virus has
infected us all, since almost the very beginning.
3. Change happens only in the presence of compassion.
No matter how self-involved or demanding a person is, compassion can make a differencein fact, no lasting change will occur
without it. If youre trying to help, you will need to be for that
personfor their welfare, for their success, and for their growth
and transformation. We all need the grace of knowing someone
is on our team.
A company called me in to help resolve a major conf lict
between one of the top salespeople and his sales manager. This
salesperson was a high performer and routinely led the team in
productivity. Unfortunately, he was also arrogant and a terrible
team player. He would neither share information nor help others.
The sales manager was worried about her stars entitlement
attitude and its effect on the team. But she had an issue with
entitlement herself. In her case, it showed up in her reaction to
self-centeredness in others. If you wanted to bring out her anger
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7/24/15 12:17 PM
The Deeper Story

and frustration, all you had to do was bring up narcissistic attitudes in others.
As a result, while the manager was clear about how she wanted
her salespersons attitudes to change, she was also always on his
case and very critical. The escalation of hostilities between them
affected the entire company.
When I talked alone to the salesperson, I could see that he did
indeed have a chip on his shoulder. The entitlement was real. But
when I said to him, It does seem like she hasnt tried to see how
hard you do work and how difficult all this is, he actually teared
up a bit.
I know I can be a jerk, he said. But if she would just say a
few good things every now and then, it would help.
And thats what happened. While the manager continued to
insist that he show more team effort, she also made a point of
asking about his life and affirming what he did well. Over time,
his attitude become healthier, and the department rebounded.
If your approach to helping the entitlement-mentality people in
your life is devoid of compassion, p eople will sense that and react
against it. Much of this book is about how to help that globally
entitled person in your lifeand you will always have to begin
with compassion if your efforts are to bear fruit. Do you recall
anyone telling you that you are judgmental, unaccepting, impatient, harsh, or condemning? Before you attribute those statements
to the speakers unwillingness to hear the truth, honestly check
out your heart. See if you are conveying acceptancewhich is
the companion of compassion: Accept one another, then, just as
Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God (Romans
15:7). Of all people in the world, we who belong to Christ should
be the most accepting, since we have experienced the grace that
the world so urgently needs.
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Relational Patterns That Drive Entitlement

Human relationships, whether personal or professional, heavily
inf luence a persons sense of entitlement. Parents, family members,
spouses, friends, coworkers, church associates, and neighbors all
play a role. We are the product of the relationships we invest in,
as well as of the choices we make.
A large part of any growth system, whether management training, church discipleship, counseling, coaching, or family interactions, must involve what I call de-entitlement training. No college
course has to teach us how to become more entitled! We know
the lessons of entitlement by heart from an early age, and we
need little training in it. Instead, we have to unlearn our natural
entitlement.
Growth in the Hard Way means that we learn that the feelings
and concerns of others are just as important as our own. We learn,
in effect, that as we are loved, so we can love others in turn: We
love because he first loved us (1John 4:19). All the care, support, grace, and structure we receive from healthy sources then
gets used to make the world a better place as we serve, give, and
sacrifice.
Lets consider the major patterns that create entitlement. Most
of the time, they involve dysfunctional ways of praising, rewarding, correcting, and establishing consequences for bad behavior.
Praise and Reward Problems

We sometimes reward (through actions) and praise (through
words) our spouses, employees, children, and friends in ways that
can actually harm them, even though it feels good at the time
because it seems so positive. But what seems positive is not always
what is best. A pizza slice or two is positivebut four can cause
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The Deeper Story

problems. These unwise reward/praise approaches, although well
intentioned, create bad fruit. Rememberthese are patterns, not
isolated events. Doing these things every now and then would
be all right, but when they become trends, they risk fostering
attitudes of entitlement.
1. Praising what takes no effort. Rewards and praise are
most effective when they focus on an achievement that took time
and energy. Most of the time, when praise is at its most effective,
that achievement would involve a persons character or internal
makeup. To repeatedly praise a little girl for being pretty puts her
in a bind. What she hears is, What gets me loved is something I cant do
much about. She also hears, My inside isnt important, just my outside.
We all know people, especially women, who have received that
sort of treatment. What happens to many of them as their bodies
age over time? They become desperate to look young again, since
that is the only thing that has brought them love and acceptance.
How would that little girl feel if instead she heard, You work
really hard and you do a good job at school. Now what receives
the praise? Her diligence, which she can do a lot about. Although
her looks will fade over time, her character will not. Her character will grow and blossom and become even more beautiful her
entire life.
2. Praising what is required. Praise should be reserved for those
times when someone stretches himself beyond the norm, puts extra effort
or time into a task, or exceeds expectations. Its not about doing the
minimum, the expected. No one gets a party for showing up to
work on time: So you also, when you have done everything you
were told to do, should say, We are unworthy servants; we have
only done our duty (Luke 17:10).
A client of mine owned a media business. But before he went
into business for himself, hed had a harsh and uncaring boss. This
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boss had alienated people and ultimately ruined his company, after
the rock stars and the high performers on whom he depended all
left because they simply wouldnt put up with his behavior anymore.
So my client, having seen the trouble that went with a lack
of praise and reward, overcompensated. He went too far in his
attempt to avoid being the kind of boss who had so wounded him.
He overpaid his staff. He didnt hold them to high standards in
their work. He didnt correct them or change their compensation
when they underperformed.
His actions created a happy staff. Who wouldnt like such
an arrangement? And he truly was a nice, caring boss. But his
employees didnt pull together as a team, nor did they perform
well. When I saw all this, I helped him restructure his expectations, alter the company comp package, and change the corporate
culture to insist on both high performance and high relationships.
Things were rocky for a while. Staff members now considered
him unfairafter all, they had known only an entitlement-
producing boss. A c ouple of them left. But most of the staff understood that if the company was to survive, a new culture had to be
put in place, one that expected performance. Those who stayed
buckled down and started showing good attitudes. Because of
these changes, the business started f lourishing. Dont get caught
in the praise for the minimum trap!
3. Praising what is not specific.
You are amazing!
You are just awesome!
Youre a great human being just because you are you.
Well, thanks for that vague compliment. But where do I go
with it? Our culture is awash in these exaggerations that have
roughly the same value as an empty calorie. Both yield insignificant benefits. Our brains have buckets where information goes.
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The Deeper Story

Praise should go in the right bucket: the bucket of hard work, of
being kind, of being honest, of being vulnerable. But the brain has
no appropriate bucket for such nonspecific, excessive statements,
and therefore is unable to make constructive use of them.
I once praised in this way, until I realized that I did so only
because it was a shortcut. It takes little effort to speak such phrases,
and I could say them to my wife or a fence post, it didnt really
matter. What requires effort is to take the time to observe and
relate to a specific person about a particular praiseworthy behavior
or attitude: The homemade soup you took all day to make is
amazing. You are awesome in how you motivate our staff to
make more phone calls every day. These statements go into the
buckets that count.
4. Praising what takes an ability and creates an identity.
We need affirmation when we try hard and achieve well. We also
need to know when we have done well in our class, our staff, or
our sport. That is why competition can be healthy. The message
is, You are good at what you do. But when the message crosses
the line to, You are a better person than others because of what
you do, or You deserve special treatment, trouble results.
If you are a parent, the right message is, Great job on defense
in the soccer game! You worked hard with your team and your
individual plays were excellent. Now go and help the coach pick
up the equipment. Top-tier executives, students, managers, and
athletes all have to stand in line. Keep in mind that while your child
may be better in ability, she is no better intrinsically. In the eyes of God,
she is no better than anyone else, as the Lord is no respecter of
persons (see Acts 10:34).
5. Praising what is not based on reality. One of the saddest things I see an encouraging person do is to give someone
hope even though no basis exists for that hope. Buoyed by an
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encourager who said, You can do anything you want to, an
individual might spend years and all of his energy in traveling
down a path that is simply the wrong path for him and that inevitably leads to disappointment.
Do you enjoy the current crop of talent-based TV shows? I do;
I love both the talent and the energy. But a pastor at a church I
recently attended pointed out that early in each season, you see a
lot of train wrecks when individuals work their hearts out trying
to sing, dance, or entertain when clearly they lack the skill or
talent. Why, he asked, didnt anyone love them enough, early
on, to say, Thats not you; let me help you discover what youre
really good at?
My parents never told me I could play in the NBA if I wanted
to, because they knew that while I liked basketball, I didnt have
a lot of talent. I am grateful that my parents helped me put my
energies into areas where I had more strengths.
6. A lack of warmth. Ironically, entitlement can occur when
a person gets little praise, care, or warmth. That might surprise
you, but it makes sense.
We all need to know we are loved and accepted. Its a basic
human requirement for health and functioning. But when a person has a number of cold, detached, or self-absorbed relationships,
he often creates what is called a defensive grandiose identity. That is,
to protect himself from the emptiness or harshness of his relational
sphere, he will craft a self-perception that is entitled, self-centered,
and larger than life. That helps keep the hurt and loneliness at bay.
A business client of mine was seriously alienating himself from
his staff and family. He couldnt take criticism well, had to feel
(and let p eople know) that he had all the answers, and presented
himself as smarter and better than everyone around him. He had
put himself in danger of losing both his company and his family.
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The Deeper Story

He and I began digging into who he was as a person. I didnt
find in his background a family that spoiled him or praised him
in the wrong way. Instead, I discovered that his home life as a
child had included two damaged parents who had little interest in
reaching into their bright sons internal world, understanding him,
and caring for him. They functioned well in terms of providing
structure and values. But because they did not offer him warmth,
at his core he felt unlovable and ashamed of himself.
As we dug further, he remembered that when he went away to
college, he reinvented himself. He tried out for sports, met girls,
and got elected to student government. But his attitude went the
wrong way. Instead of becoming grateful and caring, he came
across as arrogant and superior.
This story has a happy ending. He had enough self-awareness
and had felt enough pain that he was motivated to deal with the
early hurts of his cold childhood and then do some productive
grieving, letting go, and asking for support to replace what he had
lost. Almost immediately, he saw his family and company with
new eyes. He cared more for them, listened well, and willingly
entered their worlds.
Defensive grandiosity is simply a shell we construct to keep
negative feelings at bay. When the entitled person begins the process of growth, the shell begins to dissolve, and healthy feelings
and behavior begin to form.
Correction and Consequence Problems

eople need not only the right sorts of reward and praise but
P
also the right sorts of corrections and consequences. This is the
opposite side of the coin. It takes different forms. Companies have
HR departments dedicated to solving performance and culture
problems, and those solutions often involve communicating hard
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truths, offering first help and, if that doesnt work, then warnings,
demotions, and sometimes letting someone go. Churches have
a discipline structure. Parents have time-outs, withholding toys,
and curfews. Each of those approaches, unpleasant as they may be,
offers p eople the chance to grow with the right balance of grace
and truth.
But when we avoid setting the right boundaries and following up with the appropriate consequences, we can inadvertently
encourage entitlement. P
eople young and old need to know the
parameters regarding how they should behave. Their right to do
whatever they want ends at the point where it impacts others. No one
gets a free pass on either their behavior or their words.
We need these boundaries because they remind us that we
arent God. Some lines we dont have permission to cross. Israel
did not thrive during its dark days when it had no king, for every
person did that which was right in his own eyes ( Judges 21:25
KJV). Some of these lines are good for us, not only because of the
reminder that we are human and not God, but also because they
help us take better ownership of and self-control over our own
lives. When you know where you stop and the other person starts,
you tend to better take care of your own backyard.
I have worked with conf lict-avoidant boards of directors,
CEOs, pastors, parents, and spouses. They all dread hard talks
and setting limits. But when they dont address these issues, they
inevitably foster an attitude in others that I have the right to do
whatever I want because there is no reality that conflicts with my belief.
In other words, they develop a culture of entitlement. If youre on
the board, if youre the CEO or the pastor or the parent, you need
to be the reality that conf licts with this belief.
Thats the message God gave to Nebuchadnezzar when the
king thought himself greater than he was. He ended up going
crazy for a long time, eating grass like a cow (Daniel 4:33). You
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The Deeper Story

probably dont sentence someone in your charge to eat grass. But
you may have to say, Noand if you continue this behavior, I
will have to ... And then follow up on the warning. Just remember to be loving and be for the person youre trying to help
when you set limits, no matter how unloving they behave toward
you. If you lose compassion, its harder for them to learn the lesson. You want them to learn to accept and adapt to reality. You
dont want their takeaway to be, I have a mean boss/parent/
spouse. Loving but firm is both the right way and the Hard Way.
Meet Needs and Starve Entitlement

Its important to recognize that p eople have real and valid
needs for everything from acceptance to support to advice. A
desire for something good is not necessarily an entitled attitude.
God created us to have needs, so they must be a good thing and
something that should be addressed: And my God will meet all
your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus
(Philippians 4:19).
You have to learn the difference between a need, which should
be met, and an entitled desire, which should be starved. Meeting a
need leads to life, and feeding an entitlement leads to destruction.
It comes down to this: that which creates love, growth, and ownership vs. that which creates superiority or a demand for special treatment.
Praising the real person insideher charactercan never go
wrong. Praising her false and grandiose attitudes and behaviors
is like throwing your money down a hole. Dont waste your love
and support. Place it where it bears good fruit.
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Skills

1. Dont forget compassion: Have you failed to offer

compassion to the entitled individuals in your life and
sphere of inf luence? If so, ask God to help you maintain
wise and reasonable limits but at the same time remember
that their attitude is not wholly of their own choice.
2. Look at your own pocket entitlements and take

charge of them. What you notice tends to improve over
time.
3. Review the list of the causes of entitlement. Do you

understand the how that affected the entitled persons
in your life? Check to see how you might have been
inf luenced as well. The rest of this book will help you
cure the disease.
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Entitlement Cure
Finding Success in Doing Hard Things the Right
Way
By Dr. John Townsend
Today we live in a culture that says, Life should be easy
and work well. This attitude, called entitlement, influences
our most important institutions: family, business, church,
and government. Its devastating effects contribute to
relational problems, work ethic issues, and emotional
struggles.
It comes down to this: People are not getting to where
they want to go, because they dont know how to do life
the hard way. Entitlement keeps them from tackling
challenges and finding success.
Drawing from his experience as a counselor and leadership
consultant, renowned psychologist and New York Times
bestselling author Dr. John Townsend explores strategies
for fighting entitlement.
In a culture that encourages shortcuts and irresponsibility,
The Entitlement Cure provides principles and skills to help
you both navigate life with those around you who have an
entitlement mindset and identify areas in your own life
where you are stuck in easy way living. Dr. Townsend
will show you how to become successful, resolve obstacles
in life, and help those around you.
Ultimately, The Entitlement Cure provides practical tools
for a life of success that works for anyone.
Get Your Copy of Entitlement Cure!
Learn More

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ZONDERVAN

The Entitlement Cure

1. This Disease Has a Cure

7. Create a Self-Image That Actually Helps You

Two stories, two different worlds, same problem.

The Entitlement Cure

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The Universal Disease

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1. An attitude of being specialIm exceptionaland in

This Disease Has a Cure

2. An attitude of being owed, of deserving something

3. A refusal to accept responsibilityWhy do they want

4. A denial of ones impact on othersSometimes my

Whatever the cause of the sense of entitlement, the end result

The Entitlement Cure

This Disease Has a Cure

The Entitlement Cure

The Challenge of Living with an Entitled Person

This Disease Has a Cure

The Entitlement Cure

Enter the Hard Way

This Disease Has a Cure

The Entitlement Cure

One of my clients is a successful business owner with a history

The Entitlement Cure

Why We Need to Know How

The Deeper Story

The Entitlement Cure

The Case for Compassion

The Deeper Story

The Entitlement Cure

The Deeper Story

The Entitlement Cure

Relational Patterns That Drive Entitlement

Praise and Reward Problems

The Deeper Story

The Entitlement Cure

The Deeper Story

The Entitlement Cure

The Deeper Story

Correction and Consequence Problems

The Entitlement Cure

The Deeper Story

Meet Needs and Starve Entitlement

The Entitlement Cure

1. Dont forget compassion: Have you failed to offer

2. Look at your own pocket entitlements and take

3. Review the list of the causes of entitlement. Do you

Get Your Copy of Entitlement Cure!

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