Writing Improvement Exercises

Revision Sentences. Revise the following sentences to remedy sentence fragments, run-on sentences, and comma splices. 16. Rev Because they wanted to takes advantage of the law of supply and demand. Ma or softdrink companies tested vending machines that raise prices in hot weather. Because they wanted to takes advantage of the law of supply and demand, ma or softdrink companies tested vending machines that raise prices in hot weather. "hirsty consumers may think that varia#le pricing is unfair they may also refuse to use the machine.

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%ggressive advertisements can #ackfire that&s why marketing directors consider them carefully. %lthough (i))a *ut is the country&s num#er one pi))a chain. +omino&s (i))a leads in deliveries. %#out half of (i))a *ut&s 6,6-- outlets make deliveries, the other concentrate on walkin-customers.

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EMPHASIS. .or each of the following sentences, circle /a0 or /#0. Be prepared to ustify your choice. ,1. 1hich is more emphatic2 a. 3ur dress code is good. #. 3ur dress code reflects common sense and good taste. 1hich is more emphatic2 a. 4ncreased advertising would improve sales. #. adding 56-,--- in advertising would dou#le our sales.

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1hich is more emphatic2 a. "he committee was powerless to act. #. "he committee was una#le to take action. 1hich sentence places more emphasis on product loyalty2 a. (roduct loyalty is the primary motivation for advertising. #. "he primary motivation for advertising is loyalty to the product, although other purposes are also served. 1hich sentence places more emphasis on the seminar2 a. %n e9ecutive training seminar that starts :une 1 will include four candidates. #. .our candidates will #e a#le to participate in and e9ecutive training seminar that we feel will provide a valua#le learning e9perience. 1hich sentence places more emphasis on the date2 a. "he deadline is +ecem#er 7- for applications for overseas assignments. #. +ecem#er 7-is the deadline for application for overseas assignments. 1hich is less emphatic2 a. 3ur company profits decreased last ;uarter. #. 3ur company&s profits fell 16 percent last ;uarter. 1hich sentence deemphasi)es the credit refusal2 a. 1e are una#le to grant you credit at this time, #ut we will reconsider your application later. #. %lthough we welcome your cash #usiness, we are una#le to offer you credit at this time< #ut we will #e happy to reconsider your application later. 1hich sentence gives more emphasis to udgment2 a. *e has many admira#le ;ualities, #ut most important is his good udgment. #. *e has many admira#le ;ualities, including good udgment and patience. 1hich is more emphatic2 a. "hree departments are involved= /10 >egal, /,0 %ccounting, and /70 +istri#ution. #. "hree departments are involved= /10 >egal, /,0 %ccounting /70 +istri#ution.

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ACTIVE VOICE VERBS Business writing is more forceful if it uses active-voice ver#s. Revise the following sentences so that ver#s are in the active voice. (ut the emphasis on the doer /%ctive person0 of the action. %dd su# ects if necessary. ?9ample Revision 71. 7,. 77. 78. "he computers were powered up each day at ! a.m. @evin powered up the computers each day at ! a.m.

?mployees were given their checks at 8 p.m. every .riday #y the manager. Aew spices and cooking techni;ues were tried #y Mc+onald&s to improve its ham#urgers. Su#stantial sums of money were earned #y employees who enrolled early in our stock option plan. % significant financial commitment has #een made #y us to ensure that our customers take advantage of our discount pricing.

PASSIVE VOICE VERBS 1hen indirectness or tact is re;uired, use passive-voice ver#s. Revise the following sentences so that they are in the passive voice. ?9ample Revision 76. 76. 7!. 7!. 7'. Stacy did not su#mit the accounting statement on time. "he accounting statement was not su#mitted on time.

Bill made a computational error in the report. 1e cannot ship your order for 1- minutes until :une 16. "he government first issued a warning regarding the use of this pesticide more than 16 months ago. 1e will notify you immediately if we make any changes in your travel arrangement. 1e cannot allow a cash refund unless you provide a register receipt.

(%R%>>?>4SM. Revise the following sentences so that their parts are #alanced. 8-. /*int= Match ver#s.0 Some guidelines for improving security at food facilities include inspecting incoming and outgoing vehicles, restriction of access to la#oratories, preventing workers from #ringing personal items into food-handling areas, and inspection of packaging for signs of tampering. /*int= Match active voice of ver#s.0 1endy :ohnston, of the Red River office, will now supervise our 1estern +ivision< the ?astern +ivision will #e supervised #y our 3ttawa office manager, +avid *askins. /*int= Match nouns.0 1ord processing software is used e9tensively in the fields of health care, #y attorneys, #y secretaries in insurance firms, for scripts in the entertainment industry, and in the #anking field. 4f you have decided to cancel our services, please cut your credit card in half, and the card pieces should #e returned to us. 1e need more la#oratory space, additional personnel is re;uired, and we also need much more capital. "he application for a grant asks for this information= funds re;uired for employee salaries, how much we e9pect to spend on e;uipment, and what is the length of the pro ect. "o lease an automo#ile is more e9pensive than #uying on. "o use the copier, insert your meter, the paper trays must #e loaded, indicate the num#er of copies needed, and your original sheet should #e inserted through the feeder. SENTENCE UNIT . "he following sentences lack unity. Rewrite, correcting the identified fault. ?9ample Revision /+angling modifier0 By advertising e9tensively, all the open o#s were filled ;uickly. By advertising e9tensively, we were a#le to fill all the open o#s ;uickly

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/+angling modifier0 "o apply for early admission, applications must #e received #y 3cto#er 1. /Mi9ed construction0 "he reason why Mrs. *arris is una#le to travel e9tensively is #ecause she has family responsi#ilities. /Misplaced modifier0 4dentification passes must #e worn at all times in offices and production facilities showing the employee&s picture. /Misplaced modifier0 4dentification passes must #e worn at all times in offices and production facilities showing the employee&s picture. /Misplaced modifier0 "he editor in chief&s rules were to #e o#served #y all staff mem#ers, no matter how silly they seemed. /Big)ag sentence0 "he #usiness was started #y two engineer, and these owners worked in a garage, which eventually grew into a million-dollar operation.

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COHERENCE Revise the following paragraphs to improve coherence. Study the e9ample and review the chapter. But #e aware that the transitional e9pressions and key words selected depend largely on the emphasis desired. Many possi#le revisions e9ist. ?9ample Computer style checkers rank somewhere #etween artificial intelligence and artificial ignorance. Style checkers are like clever children= smart #ut not wise. Business writers should #e cautious. "hey should #e aware of the usefulness of style checkers. "hey should know their limitations. Computer style checkers rank somewhere #etween artificial intelligence and artificial ignorance. .or e9ample they are like clever children= smart #ut not wise. .or this reasons, #usiness writers should #e cautious. %lthough they should #e aware of the usefulness of these software programs, #usiness writers should also know their limitations.

Revision

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3ur computeri)ed file included all customer data. 4t provides space for name, address, and other vital information. 4t has an area for comments. "he area for comments comes in handy. 4t re;uires more time and careful key#oarding though.

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Ao one likes to turn out poor products. 1e #egan highlighting recurring pro#lems. ?mployees make a special effort to #e more careful in doing their work right the first time. 4t doesn&t have to #e returned to them for corrections. Service was less than perfect for many months. 1e lacked certain intangi#le. 1e didn&t have the customer-specific data that we needed. 1e made the mistake of removing all locali)ed, person-to-person coverage. 1e are returning to decentrali)ed customer contacts.

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