the TNP Wire: Holiday Edition

We were serious in the December edition. We don't give holiday break.

The TNP Wire: Holidays 2013

A HOLIDAY LETTER
from a secular editor
It's easy to judge that I've never gotten sucked up into the holiday spirit. My Jewish background takes a Christmas tree out of my window and Hanukkah is al ways a small event. This year, it didn't even really take place in December. So my friends have never expected much of me other than to cough up a Secret Santa present. As an example, a few weekends ago I acciden tally wore a red shirt with a green sweater, characteristi cally not giving much thought into how I dress. My friend gasped, "[Iro]! You're wearing Christmas colors!" with the essence of the exclamation being 'what the hell happened?'. So that's why it's a bit odd for me to be producing this decidedly Christmas-themed publication for the region. But I wasn't planning on a normal Wire given the usual activity drop around people's winter breaks, and 'the show must go on.' This seemed like the easiest way to satisfy, though this type of thing doesn't come quite naturally. What follows, then, is whatever I could scrounge; and no, it's most definitely not some of my best. But I aim to please, and I'm glad that before the ball drops, y'all might catch a giggle or too.And hey, since I never said it, Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, a joyful Kwan zaa, happy holidays, a blessed new year, and G.F.Y. En joy! Love, Iro

Twas the night before elections, and through TNP Not an RAer was stirring, not even DD. The candidates' platforms had been pushed and driven, In hopes that to them all the votes would be given. The candidate' topics were filled with good answers, For they had worked hard enough to contract cancer. And I, the Chief Justice, had worked my mind deep Deciding the best thing to relax was sleep. When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. For out on the Magicality lawn Had landed a billboard that blocked out the dawn I searched with my eyes till I had found the source, And what would you you know, for I saw a small horse. The jockey got off with a manner so pompous I knew that it must be a person quite pompous. He took out a can of black paint and he said "Now's the time to strike, when the SC's in bed." So he took out a brush and he wrote on the sign, "Which candidate's platform is better? It's mine! You see, TNP, though to you it seems odd, The best person for your dang court is a god." Then I gasped, for I realized in a matter not jovial, This guy was none other than him, Flemingovia! Trying to unseat me with his anarchist tricks,

But that wasn't a problem! He just ran for kicks! Now knowing there was no threat and no matter I stepped toward my bed but I fell with a clatter. And the god looked up and heard a large noise Realizing that someone had seen his dark ploys. Quickly he scampered to the top of the Court Ran into my bedroom (a very nice sort) As he looked around, well, he said with a shout "You think you've won, Justice, but I think there's a doubt. "Y'see, people's opinions are starting to change. Yup, they're realizing that my platform's not so strange. They've found that helping the region's my mode. And that's why I'm killing the Constibillocode." "Ha! NO!" I said and I said it with a yelp. "If you think that's right then you really need help. The people will never quite cave to your ways. The Legal Code will last till the end of our days." Well, he scoffed, he laughed and he gave me the finger. Then jumped out the window, not one to linger. But before he left he told me "Well, f*!^. You're obsessed with the Consty, that's why your court's stuck. He sprang to his feet and he ran straight away Ready to face his critics the next day. And that night I dreamed a nightmare of ECs saying "Flem has gone through and won like a breeze!"

THE NIGHT BEFORE

ELECTIONS

The TNP Wire: Holidays 2013

a TNP CAROLZ songbook

O, poor AG
to the tune of "O, Christmas Tree"
O Poor AG, O Poor AG, We understand you're dying. Your backlog is known far and wide, Almost no one is ever tried, O poor AG, O poor AG, The backlog's mystifying. O Poor AG, O Poor AG, You've had sad predecessors. When Gaspo came he wasn't enough And Blue Wolf forgot to show up O Poor AG, O Poor AG The Speaker's job is better. O Poor AG, O Poor AG No one wants your job to have. Your have to deal with EVERY case Sometimes these complaints feel like mace. O Poor AG, O Poor AG We don't know how you manage. O Good Kiwi, O Good Kiwi, You fill my heart with music. Reminding me on Election Day To thank you cuz you chose to stay. O Poor AG, O Poor AG You do what no one wants to.

Vote the Bills Down

to the tune of "Deck the Halls"
Vote the bills down, nothing passes. Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. Reject all and act like a$$es. Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no.. We are trolls and we all know it, Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. Make sure, don't vote aye and blow it. Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no.. Hope the Speaker doesn't find out, Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. Zyvetboss should keep his mind out Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. How is this thing not illegal? Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. Technically this isn't evil. Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. Soon the RAers will get mad. Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. They'll realize this isn't a fad. Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. True, we're the Govinda-like sort, Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no. This'll be hilarious in court! Nay nay nay nay nay, no no no no!

Oh Delegate
to the tune of "Oh Hanukkah"
Delegate, oh Delegate, get up your endorsements! We'll stage a coup, make you bring reinforcements Gather up the SC, won't this be a treat? Maybe we'll actually make the justices meet. And while we Are couping The NPA's trying to win One RMB post and suddenly you've lost All capability to govern Soon we'll be done and you'll claim you have won But you still cant eject JAL.

Not enough space for the usual

WORST OF THE RMB (singular)

Civil freedom is rising in my nation :( , i am afraid. -Astana

LENNART RUINS CHRISTMAS

The Lennart Saga: Part Three
"A Christmas Carol" edition
WHEN WE LAST SAW LENNART IN OUR DECEM BER EDITION: He was sneakily gaining access to TNP's highest institutions by taking advantage of the law to get himself elected. But Lennart is up to more dastardly hijinks now. Read on as he deliberately ruins a poor fellow TNPer's Christmas and reaps the horrible benefits.

"Please, Lennart!" Democratic Donkeys begged. "You don't understand. I've got to go home! It's Christmas time and I assume that I celebrate that, although Iro hasn't bothered to check!" Lennart said "Bah HumbadDickensParody! There's no way you can go home from protecting the region now; it's Christmas time! The Security Council is most vul nerable now and I could get some great publicity if I stop a coup tomorrow! I may be last on the order of succession but I can still order you around, for some reason!" "My hopes are dashed," DD said glumly. "Yes, yes they are." Lennart cackled in a pure spirit of evil and then went straight to bed, due to limited space issues. "LENNART!" a voice boomed from the shadows. Lennart shrieked and hid under the covers. "'Tis me, Scandigrad, original protector of the map!" Scandigrad drifted from the shadows. "But... but you're not the mapmaker any more!" Lennart stammered. "What could you want with me?" "Not sure, since you resigned too*," said Scandigrad. "Anyway, they told me you were evil and mean to DD,

so I guess I better take you into the past." *in my defense, I wrote this before lennart resigned. Gotta keep up with the Lennart saga, I suppose, al though I could have changed it to Ravenclaw. Deal with it. Lennart screamed as he realized he was being jerked into the past of the Culture Minstry. Flying through the winds of time, he yelped, "fine! Fine! I'll give DD the day off ! Just let me go back to sleep!" Scandigrad said, "m'kay. Although I'm kind of enjoying this breaking character/fourth wall/total meta article thing. I mean, this is the last article, Iro's clearly run ning out of steam for his New Year's Eve deadline. The amount of plotholes is fantastic!" Lennart opened his eyes, sure that it had been all a dream, and found himself perched on the top of the Eif fel Tower. He accepted it as a fact of life and dialed DD's number on his brand new iPhone 5C. Maybe one day, he thought, this'll show up on Tim Cook's radar and he'll give Iro money. "Yeah?" answered DD groggily. "You can have the day off," Lennart smiled. "I hope you have a merry christmas." DD uttered couple choice swears and went back to bed.

The TNP Wire: Holidays 2013

DEM SERIOUS PAGES

for dem serious people
Which is sad. Along with a lot of other things that can make 2013 seem glum. But as 2014 approaches tomorrow, we can look up. And we can try to fix what humanity has so badly dented be yond repair, and we can look at ourselves and say, "hey, keep going." So I'm asking you to take a break, which you don't have to do. You can stop here. But perhaps, before you pop a cork, down champagne for the New Year, take a second.

A second editor's note

Sorry about the repeat. I know you like laughing more than you like me. But I think there's a time to cool down. I read recently that if you spaced out all the school shootings of 2013, you could put one every two weeks.

I'm in communications. Both in TNP and real life. Inci dentally, one of the first professional jobs I did in the sector was an info-graphic. So I choose to close out the year that has been so fruitful for me and so down for too many others with one of them, showcasing that through the bad can come the good. That when we're at our worst, we rise to our best. Thanks for continuing with me. Have a fantastic 2014. Iro

The Syrian DOMA IS DEAD PEACEFUL INSURREC REACHING TION

A bigoted law hurting millions of couples was struck down The US didn't bomb Syria because hundreds of thousands spoke out, and innocent lives were spared.

1000s of BANGLADESHI WORKERS have RIGHTS

A garment fire in Bangladesh led to a 77% pay increase

ACROSS THE AISLE

Unfortunately this can be a surprise. But conservatives in Arizona accepted their citizens need healthcare and approved a giant Medicaid plan

AND: SOLDIERS' RIGHTS

A study regarding drone operators forced UK militaries to give air force soldiers therapy.

HAPPY 2014