Too Cool for School 3rd Writers Draft

Written by: Charlie Settes Based on the words that I type onto the page to form sentences

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INT - BEDROOM - MORNING FECAL CHADWICK is sleeping in his sleeping bag with his head where his feet should be. His alarm plays obnoxiously, and falls. His entire night stand falls on him, while the alarm keeps playing. CUT TO: INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - MORNING BILLY-BOB HUGHES and EBONY WHITE lay in bed. BILLY is a 40 year old white trash loser. EBONY is a black woman. EBONY is reading "Life As A Stereotypical Black Woman." BILLY is asleep. When he hears the ruckus in the other room, he jolts up and reveals BIG BOXING gloves on his hands. He is sitting next to a large tub Spicy Hot Cheese Puffs. BILLY-BOB HUGHES PET MY EARS AND CALL ME SALLY, WE GOT A HOUSE BURGLAR, EBONY.

2. EBONY WHITE (unsurprised, still reading) No, it's just Fecal. He does this every morning. BILLY-BOB HUGHES What, sets off an atomic bomb the size of Russia? EBONY WHITE No, he ends up backwards in his favorite sleeping bag during the night, he forgets he's backwards, and falls off the bed when his alarm plays. Then his whole night stand falls on him. Shortly after, he tries to stand up in his sleeping bag, loses control, and falls while saying "DANGIT!" We hear a large crash from FECAL's room. FECAL (from other room) DANGIT!

3. BILLY-BOB HUGHES (quietly) No wonder he's brain dead. EBONY lightly slaps him. EBONY WHITE You be nice. Just because he's almost your step-son doesn't mean you can be so mean all the time. BILLY-BOB shrugs. He pulls up a book titled "You Go Girl; and Other Inspiring Quotes" He grabs a handful of Spicy Hot Cheese Puffs and eats them with his boxing gloves on. There's a pause. BILLY-BOB HUGHES Ebony...how do you read? CUT TO: INT - BEDROOM - MORNING FECAL lays motionless on the ground. FECAL CHADWICK Uhhhhh. He turns around in his sleeping bag, and his head

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finally pops out, and he gets up. He's wearing shuttershades. FECAL CHADWICK (to the camera) (CONT'D)

My name is Fecal Chadwick, and I'm pretty much the coolest kid I know. INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - MORNING BILLY-BOB is confused. EBONY doesn't even seem to hear FECAL talking like Ferris Bueller. INT - BEDROOM - MORNING FECAL gets up, and walks to the bathroom. He's listening to Nickelback on his Walkman. He looks at his toothbrush, shrugs, and goes straight to chugging an energy drink. He finishes. FECAL CHADWICK I'm like, 2 and A Half Men meets Nickelback cool.

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CUT TO: INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - MORNING BILLY-BOB is confused. BILLY-BOB HUGHES Good lord this kids crazy. EBONY WHITE Don't worry about it. He started doing it every morning after watching Ferris Bueller last spring. CUT TO: INT - BEDROOM - DAY 1. FECAL spends a while trying to tie his heelies while boy band music plays from his stereo. CUT TO: INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - DAY BILLY-BOB shakes his head. CUT TO:

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INT - BEDROOM - MORNING FECAL lifts extremely light weights. He isn't doing any of the workouts correctly. FECAL CHADWICK My mom says I'm the strongest person she's ever met. And she's only seen me naked twice. CUT TO: INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - MORNING BILLY-BOB is annoyed. BILLY-BOB HUGHES Hey, Fecal! Beat. FECAL turns the boy band music off. FECAL CHADWICK (from other room) What? BILLY-BOB HUGHES (CONT'D) Shut up! CUT TO:

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INT - FECAL'S BEDROOM - MORNING FECAL is still lifting. FECAL CHADWICK (quieter) I was born naked, and the other time was at church camp. Long story short, there wasn't much room for Jesus. BILLY-BOB jumps in from the other room. BILLY-BOB HUGHES (from other room) Hey, Fecal! FECAL CHADWICK (annoyed) What? BILLY-BOB HUGHES You're not Ferris Bueller. And where'd you write that joke, a mental ward? CUT TO

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INT - PARENTS BEDROOM - DAY BILLY-BOB taps EBONY while chuckling. She swats him away. CUT TO: FECAL CHADWICK (to camera, Ferris Bueller-esque) That's my stepdad. He isn-

BILLY-BOB cuts him off. BILLY-BOB HUGHES (slow, methodical) We can hear everything your saying. You can't just stop time like that. Beat. FECAL CHADWICK Yeah...so? BILLY-BOB HUGHES So shut up. INT - COMPUTER ROOM - DAY FECAL searches how two be cool on google.

9. FECAL CHADWICK (back to camera, to himself, quiet) How to be cool... (to camera again, louder) But, that's just me. Fecal Chadwick. Coolest kid on Earth. Title Screen Shows: Too Cool for School; The Movie As the title is playing, we hear BILLY-BOB from the other room. BILLY-BOB HUGHES 1. Don't make me drop these cheese puffs. 2. Don't make me drop the gloves. 3. You're name means poop. 4. That was really really stupid. 5. Seriously shut up. Title Screen fades. INT - LIVING ROOM - EARLY MORNING FECAL stands, playing a Guitar Hero style game in a ridiculous outfit. There's a knock on the door.

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FECAL moves, while still playing guitar hero game. It is very intense. FECAL opens the door as BILLYBOB walks into view. One cop is wearing a BOBA-FETT costume doing the robot, and the other is trying not to laugh. BILLY-BOB is in the background eating cheese puffs. BOBA-FETT (robot voice) Hello, is this Fecal Chadwick, son of Poop Chadwick? The other cop lets out a large amount of air from his nostrils. COP Ha, sorry about him. We just thought the whole Fecal and poop thing was hilarious, right? And the delivery from this guy! WOW! Beat. FECAL What's with Boba Fett over here. COP is somehow surprised that FECAL asked.

11. COP Wha- ohhh, that! I don't really know. We found it in the play pen over at Mickey D's while doing some (quote fingers) "investigatory work." They both laugh harder than necessary. COP (CONT'D) Oh, and sorry. We're from the Juvenile...Juvenile Squad TrooAgh! Who knows these days, right? We have NO idea what we're doing. BOBA-FETT takes off his mask. BOBA-FETT All we know is it has something to do with a tazer, so we liked that. . . A lot. COP Think fast! The COP shoots at FECAL from his hip with a pistol.

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CUT TO: INT - KITCHEN - DAY The COPs, FECAL, BILLY-BOB and JENNY stand around broken glass. COP WOW! That is really surprising, I coulda swore that was a blank. BILLY-BOB HUGHES I think your heads blank, that's what it is! COP (ignoring BILLY-BOB, to BOBA-FETT) We've pulled this one..what, three times now? (to all) And I swear to you, not ONCE did this happen to us. BOBA-FETT (taking a stand) Only once, actually. But that happened to be this time.

13. COP Right. (beat) Annnnnnywhoooo, not to shift the blame at all, buuuuuuuut. Fecal's in trouble. FECAL WHAT?!? BILLY-BOB HUGHES YES! COP (like a teacher getting someone in trouble) Yeah. He wrote his entire first, last, and middle name with his own FECES on the bridge downtown. BOBA-FETT (to FECAL, whisper) Not gonna lie, that's awesome. COP Here's the police report.

(MORE)

14. COP (CONT'D) As a result of his wrongdoings, he has been banned from the United States Homeschool Association. Stands for USHA, but OMG you are screwed. Excuse my Usher puns. I'll be here all night. FECAL makes a really dramatic face. FECAL Oh. Oh no...actually, that's pretty sweet! ACT 2 INT - KITCHEN - DAY Same exact scene. BILLY-BOB storms to EBONY. BILLY-BOB HUGHES Ebony, you're not gonna believe this. EBONY WHITE Is it about Fecal? If it is, I definitely will believe it. Fade to black.

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INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY FECAL plays guitar hero type game on the couch. We can hear his parents yelling. BILLY-BOB HUGHES I just can't stand the kid anymore! He's insane! EBONY WHITE No he's not, Billy-Bob! BILLY-BOB HUGHES Ebony, he wore RAW BEEF on his outfit the other day! EBONY WHITE True. Was that why the hamburgers tasted funny? BILLY-BOB HUGHES Ebony, you don't understand. This kid is a different breed. He graffitied his SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER AND all of our credit card information on the bridge. Is that not enough? EBONY WHITE No- wel- yeah. You're probably right.

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16. But you can't just leave! BILLY-BOB HUGHES Of course I can! We hear a loud crash as BILLY BOB jumps through the window. FECAL (smiling) Nice. INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY FECAL sits, playing guitar hero. His MOM walks in. MOM Fecal, we need to talk.