GRANT'S CATS

The Bozo & Sno-IIall Letters

Illustrated by Emily Kaplan

[Grant moved in with me in January of 2011, after his house fire. In the fall, with
Brigid 's help, he 'd moved into the apartment across the hall, but for all intents and
purposes it was as if we 'd merely added an extra couple of rooms to our existing living
situation. It was around this time that Bozo and Sno-Ball 's handwritten notes to me
morphed into email correspondence.]

9/15/n (no subject)

HELLO SIR, I AM CURRENTLY REPRESENTING A VERY UNIQUE ACT
THAT CONSISTS OF ONE CAT THAT SINGS ALTO AND ANOTHER CAT
THAT SINGS BASS. THEIR MATERIAL COVERS A WIDE VARIETY OF
SOUNDS AND INFLUENCES. BETWEEN SONGS, THEY DO LIGHT
COMEDY ALONG THE LINE OF THE SMOTHERS BROTHERS, BUT WITH
A TWIST. INSTEAD OF PLAYING AN UPRIGHT BASS, ONE HIDES
INSIDE OF IT WHILE THE OTHER DOES SOMETHING ELSE, AND I
MEAN SOMETHING ELSE. THEY PERFORM UNDER THE NAME "SNO-
BALL AND BOZO" WITH SNO-BALL PLAYING THE STRAIGHT MAN
WHILE BOZO IS THE GOOFY ONE. THEY HAVE BEEN COMPARED TO
THE IMMORTAL GEO. BURNS AND GRACIE ALLEN.
IF YOUR LABEL IS LOOKING FOR THE NEXT BIG THING IN FELINE
ENTERTAINERS, THEN YOUR LABEL IS LOOKING FOR "SNO-BALL
AND BOZO"
SNO-BALL & BOZO

REPRESENTED BY CAT BUTT

ENTERTAINMENT
12/16/n : DON'T TELL WHAT'S-HIS-NAME I'M
CONTACTING YOU
JAMES, YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE TROUBLE AND TIME I HAVE TAKEN TO
GET THIS MESSAGE TO YOU. HOLDING THAT FLAG OF MY BROTHERS IN
MY TEETH IN ORDER TO TYPE THIS IS A SMALL CHORE COMPARED TO THE
DIFFICULTY OF GETTING OUT OF THE APARTMENT ACROSS THE HALL AND
INTO YOURS. THEN THERE IS THE COMICAL DISTRACTION OF OPERATING
THE MOUSE AS YOU CALL IT, FOR WHAT REASON I DO NOT KNOW
BECAUSE I HAVE HAD A MOUSE OR TWO OR THREE IN MY LIFE, AND THIS
IS NO MOUSE EXCEPT IN NAME.
THE REASON I HAVE TAKEN THESE PAINS TO REACH YOU IS THIS. LAST
NIGHT WHAT'S-HIS-NAME LEFT HIS PIANO THING ON ALL NIGHT. MY
BROTHER BOZO, WHO I LOVE DEARLY DESPITE HIS COMICAL STUPIDITY,
CLIMBED OPON THE CHAIR AND PLACED HIS FRONT PAWS ( I CALL THEM
HANDS ) ON THE KEYS OF THE PIANO THINGY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
FUCK IT IS CALLED BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. RATHER THAT
RUNNING AWAY SCARED SHITLESS HE CONTINUED TO "PLAY" ON IT AND
EVEN REACHED A POINT WHERE THE SOUND COULD BE CONSIDERED
MUSIC. AS I SAT ON THE COUCH (BLACK, LIKE ME ) I BECAME
HYPNOTIZED BY THE RYTHYM AND THE TONES HE WAS PRODUCING AND
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH THERE WAS AN ALMOST PLEASANT ASPECT TO
WHAT HE WAS IN A SHORT TIME PLAYING WITH EASE. NO FLOURISHES
MIND YOU, JUST GOOD OLD MUSIC. I THINK HE GETS IT FROM HIS
MOTHER, REST HER SOUL.
TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, I WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED IN
ARRANGING AN AUDITION FOR MY BROTHER WITH YOUR LABEL. I
WOULD TALK TO WHAT'S-HIS-NAME ABOUT THIS BUT I DON'T TRUST HIM
FARTHER THAN I CAN PUKE. "MODERN DRUMMER"? WELL I'M ON THE
SAINSBURYS CAT LITTER PACKAGE AND BELIEVE ME THEY SELL A HELL
OF A LOT MORE CAT LITTER THAN THEY DO DRUMMER MAGAZINES. DO
DRUMMERS EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ ? I DON'T THINK SO.
ANYHOO, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN FIND ME. PLEASE KEEP MUM
ABOUT THIS IF YOU COULD. I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO TWIST THE
TOP OFF THE FOOD CONTAINER QUITE YET. BUT WHEN I DO, OH BROTHER
THERE ARE GOING TO BE A FEW CHANGES AROUND HERE!
YOURS TRULY,
SNO-BALL
CEO AND DIRECTOR OF SALES, SNO-CAT INDUSTRIES
[Sno-Ball had another nickname, to go with the business tycoon /shadow
government operative we sometimes pretended him to be : J. P. Poopbox.J

5/22/12 : HOT, BREAKING INVESTMENT NEWS !

PONZICORP LLC. HAS PURCHASED ALL OF THE SHARES OF CON
D'OR RECORDS AND IT'S AFFILIATES NORA/HiART PUBLISHING AND
BOZOCO FINE ARTS. IN A STATEMENT MADE TODAY BOZOCO CEO,
J.P. POOPBOX TOLD INVESTORS " EVEN LITTLE KITTIES NEED TO EAT,
DON'T I ?
LATER ON POOPBOX CLARIFIED HIS STATEMENT BY ADDING," I AM
A GOOD CAT AND I ONLY DO WHAT MY DADDY TELLS ME" AND
THEN WENT ON TO MUTTER SOMETHING ABOUT BEING STUCK
WITHOUT FOOD IN A BURNED OUT HOUSE WITH NO HEAT AND THE
WATER WAS FROZEN AND MEANWHILE HIS BROTHER WAS GETTING
ALL OF THE ATTENTION AND SO ON..."
POOPBOX IS HIGHLY REGARDED IN THE INVESTMENT COMMUNITY
AND WELL RESPECTED FOR HIS HUMBLE ORIGINS AND THE
ADVERSITY THAT WAS A CHALLENGE IN HIS YOUTH. HE ROSE UP
FROM PHYSICAL PROBLEMS AND THE LOSS OF HIS MOTHER AT AN
EARLY AGE. HE IS THE BROTHER OF THE ARTIST BOZO WHO IS THE
FOUNDER OF THE BEAUXEAU ARTS MOVEMENT.
[While Grant was on tour...]
6/3/12: wee are hungry !
THAT fUCKER DOSENT NO WEE HAkD INTU E'S-MAIL. WEE WANT
FUDEANDHEIS DISSAPEERD. fUK HIM VERRY MUCH THANQUE.
SNO AN BO
[Grant wrote in all capitals, even after being told that it indicated screaming in
email etiquette, saying that typing in one case helped with his dyslexia. I pointed
out that he could solve both problems by typing in all lower-case. So he did.
Mostly.

It was around this time that our slumlord lost his rental license, so I quickly
started hunting for another apartment & found a new place that I moved into in
September.]

8/17/12 (no subject)

dear unca James, me and bozo, he is my brother and a cat like me, we think we
figured it out, except for some details, we know that daddy is leaving every day to
do something while we stay at home, we think he goes out to find the flat, round
metal things that he gives us. the ones with pictures of birds and men on them, and
letters, they all have tiny letters on them spelling things like "liberty" and "in god
we trust" and something else that we never hear daddy say, "e pluribus unam". we
don't think he trusts god either.
as much as we enjoy pushing these things off the bed and hearing them hit the
floor we wish that he did not spend so much time finding these flat thingies. please
tell him we want him to stay home more, we think restaurant food is bad for him
and that he needs to cook himself big tuna steaks with delicious avocados, but tell
him wasabi causes bad trouble that we don't want to even think about, please tell
him these things for his own good, we try to look out for him but he has to meet us
halfway.
By the way, come and visit us here as much as you want to. we are getting the
place back to normal after he did something we don't like called cleaning, it even
sounds nasty...
if you want to pick up some tuna steak and need a place to cook it, feel free to
stop by. let us know when you are arriving, best wishes, sno-ball
8/25/12: animal rescue ( HELP ! )
Daddy told us you were movinggggggSTOP IT SNO-BALL and that we had to be
extra good to you while yo[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[SNO-BALL! while you war still
around.I want to know why you are going ? I hope is is not because of us. Are
there any tuna there? If the answer is yes bozo, there are tuna there, can I come
along in a box ? My brother can stay here with daddy. They are both a couple of
losers. You and me are winners.Tuna is for winners. They can eat all of the fancy-
feast and we will eat the tuna.I promise to eat tuna. I am good I want a pony and
daddy doesn't give a fuck. I learned that word from a movie daddy was watching
about these people who had big ponies called horses and these things on their
paws called puppets that could talk like monkeys. I think the movie was called
"the big ponies" but it might have been "the big monkeys"
I promise not to tell them where we are going. Do you have a
boxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxGOD DAMN IT SNO-BALL ! I have just about had it up
to here with this shit! everyone thinks I am cute, love, Lil' Bozo(come and get
me !)
8/25/12: my retarded brother Bozo is on dope
James, My brother and fellow cat Bozo has been a bit "under the weather" lately.
He has let himself go completely to Hell. He announced last week that he had been
eating coyote, which I found hard to believe because Grant has not let either of us
out of the apt.
I guess I ignored his sitting alone in the dark with headphones on. His
redecorating the place with day-glow paint was annoying and perhaps a call for
help, but I ignored that also. The sitar music and incense I kind of liked, so no
complaint there. But his swatting at flies that nobody but him could see made me
think twice and put two and two together. Not coyote, but peyote was what he had
been eating. He keeps chanting "tuna, pony, tuna, pony" over and over .
The way his stomach growls is frightening.very frightening...
I took the liberty of administering phenolbarbitol and will continue with that and
valium and some anti-psychotics until he "comes down".
I thought it was best that I told somebody other than Grant. ( I kind of think he is
a loser)
Your friend and confidant, Sno-ball
io/6/i2: dolphin free me
dear uncle jameS, if i am tasting something and i accidentally eat
it, does that mean i have bad taste ? am i a bad taster ? do i taste
bad ? do i breathe bad if i have bad breath ? there is so much that i
need to learn . yourS truly, bozo
[Grant had been given a name by the Source Family -Axiom Aquarian — so we gave
Bozo and Sno-ball Source Family names, too : Bozo Aquarian and the Sacred Sno-Ball]

10/11/12: heY therE are you experienceD?

deaR jameSs, are you aquarium? you know, like full offish? I like
fish wen they are dry.
got enny sacred herB ? we do ! ha ha
In yoD we Trust, bozO aquari-yum !
10/12/12: (no subject)
Grant: WE MIXED "SHINE,SHINE,SHINE" LAST NIGHT. WE HAVE TO DO
THREE TOTAL FOR THE ALBUM, A SINGLE MIX AND A VOCAL FREE MIX.
THE VOCAL FREE MIX IS BY REQUEST OF THE PUBLISHING
DEPARTMENT. IT MAKES THE LIKELIHOOD OF A SONGS USE FOR
COMMERCIALS GREATER IF THERE IS AN INSTRUMENTAL MIX SO THEY
CAN DO VOICE-OVERS ABOUT THE PRODUCT." AND YOU SHINE,SHINE
SHINE LIKE A COUNTERTOP..LIKE A DRINKING GLASS...LIKE A KITTY-CAT.
THAT'S THE KEEPER. I'LL RUN IT BY SNO-BALL TO SEE IF SAINSBURY"S
WANTS FIRST CRACK AT IT. BETWEEN BOZO, INDIA(BABY) AND J.P.
POOPBOX HIMSELF WE SHOULD GET A PRETTY GOOD ADVERT.
ON ANOTHER NOTE, I MIGHT NEED SOME VOICES FOR A MOB VOCAL
ON "WAR IN HEAVEN". I WILL CHECK WID MIKE BEFORE I DROP THE
BOMB, BUT I MAY ASK YOU FOR SOME CHUMS.
ANYHOO, ME AND THE BOYS MISS YOU. BOZO WANTS ME TO TELL YOU
THAT HE HAS BEEN READING GERTRUDE STEIN. I CAN ONLY GUESS
WHAT WILL COME OF THAT I
WHAT UP THIS WEEKEND ? LET'S HANG. GH

James : I am sure JP Poopbox's creative team will devise an effective commercial

utlizing "Shine Shine Shine" and make everyone piles of money. A shot of a cat
ogling a bag of delicious kitty chow singing "And I pine, pine, pine.."
Would be happy to lend my dulcet tones to "War In Heaven." Let me know how
many mobsters you would like, if need be.
Bozo reading Gertrude Stein? Did someone tell him that the "B" in Alice B
Toklas stands for "Bozo"?

We have quickly assembled our Animal Products Thinktank for the purpose of assessing
the possibility of using "Shine, Shine, Shine" in our Cat Food advertisements .Because of
our direct personal connection with the copyright holder and the current "needs" situation
we are experiencing, we have decided to move quickly towards an agreement.
However, we believe that the song would serve a better purpose if used in connection
with our new Sainsbury"s Pine Scented Cat Litter, and we took our inspiration from your
use of the word "pine".
On behalf of Mr. Poopbox we inform you that Sainsbury's Pine Scented Cat Liter is a
registered trademark of J.P. Poopbox and associates and any violations of our copyrights
will result in the filing of criminal and civil charges.
Have a great day ! J.P. POOPBOX

James: Little did I know that my emails were work-for-hire ! You play rough,
Poopbox.
io/H/12: BOZO HAS A QUESTION
deaRjameS,
foR some reason my brother sno-balL has been lying around on his back,
flipping one of daddY's big pennies and catching it in his paw and growling
"rrrooaarratoriO" and smiling.
hE also told me to cover my nose with "crreeamcheese" and I know he says that
to be mean. dO you know what I think I think hE is a "rreeal fucker". dO you
know what I meaN ?
i'M starting a blog. i'M calling it "bozO's bloG". iT will be in inglisH so you and
daddY can read it. bye byE. can yoU see me waving at you ? hA hA hA. herE is
another one. imaginE me holding my paws out. noW listen. " i wuv yoU this
mucH " prettY good stuff right? am I right ? hA hA hA.better get some cream
cheese.
io/i5/i2: BOZO HAS THE ANSWER
HELLO JAMES, UP UNTIL NOW YOU HAVE PROBABLY THOUGHT OF ME AS
GRANT'S CAT BOZO OR SNO-BALL'S BROTHER BOZO. WELL I WOULD LIKE YOU TO
SERIOUSLY CONSIDER CALLING ME SOMETHING ELSE. CANDIDATE BOZO.
I FEEL THAT I HAVE BEEN ONE LUCKY KITTEN AND I WANT TO TAKE THE
OPPORTUNITY TO PAY BACK THE COMMUNITY WE HAVE COME TO . THEY SAY
THAT IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD. I SAY "WHY RAISE THEM AT ALL ?"
THEY WILL FIGURE IT OUT ON THEIR OWN. LOOK AT ME. I TURNED OUT OKAY.
DIDN'T I ?
IF I AM ELECTED, THE FIRST THING I'M GOING TO DO IS FREE ALL OF THE
SLAVES.
WOULD THAT IMPRESS YOU ? WOULD THAT MAKE RUBBING MY TUMMY
SLIGHTLY MORE ATTRACTIVE TO PEOPLE?
DO YOU KNOW THAT I MARRIED JACKIE ONASSIS AFTER OLEG CASSINNI DIED?
NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE DO. I AM ONE OF THE QUIET AMERICANS UNLESS I AM
MAKING NOISES, LITTLE GRUNTS NOW AND THEN.
WHAT ABOUT THE DEFICIT? I GO IN THE BOX LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE, UNLESS
THEY GO SOMEWHERE ELSE LIKE DADDY DOES. I BURY MINE BECAUSE I
BELIEVE
IN FREEDOM. FREEDOM ISN'T FREE. YOU HAVE TO BUY IT FROM SOMEBODY.

VOTEBOZOVOTEBOZO
THERE'S AN OLD SAYING WHERE I
COME FROM. NOT REALLY A SAYING BUT A CHANT THAT YOU KEEP YELLING
UNTIL EVERYBODY IS YELLING IT TOO. IT GOES LIKE THIS. "KILL THE MOUSE!
KILL THE MOUSE! KILL THE MOUSE!" I THINK MY OPPONENT IS A MOUSE. LOOK
AT HIS EARS. I HAVE NEVER PERSONALLY SEEN HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND
WORSE. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME. DOES THAT SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF
YOU ? REMEMBER THIS AMERICA. PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF MICE ! THEY JUMP
UP ON CHAIRS AND PULL UP THEIR SKIRTS SO MICE WON'T CLIMB UP THEM.AND
THEY SCREAM. ARE YOU GOING TO VOTE FOR SOMEBODY THAT CLIMBS UP
YOUR SKIRT AND MAKES YOU
SCREAM ? YOU ALL KNOW MY POLICIES TOWARDS MICE. MY DADDY HAS
PICTURES TO PROVE IT.
UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE ? I AM ALL FOR IT EXCEPT FOR ONE SURGICAL
PROCEDURE WHICH I THINK IS BARBARIC . IT MAKES ME ILL TO EVEN THINK OF
IT.
THINKING ABOUT IT IS MAKING ME A BETTER KITTY.
IMMIGRATION ? I SAY LET THE DESERT BLOOM !
MY NAME IS BOZO AND I APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE

VOTEBOZOVOTEBOZO
James: Dear Bozo,
When it comes to elections on the national level, I don't throw away my vote on a furred
party candidate.
10/21/12: let uS gather togetheR and fool goD
deaRjameS,
daddY said that me and sno-balL need to start going to
churcH. wE think that daddY should fuck-ofF. do yoU
know what cat-holies are? thaT is a kind of church where
they have red hats like sno-balL wants. daddY has red
shoes. daddY will be around later or earlier.
OH ! bless uS, flil brotheR bozo
io/24/i2: mY concept
hiyA unclE jameS,
noW that daddY has finished his record i am making a movie! I am calling it
"thE meaL".
iT is the story of two little cats. onE is like sno-balL, and the other one is like the
most pretty cat there ever was. buT he does not care that he is so pretty because he
is also very,very smart and can operate computers.thE kitty that is like sno-balL is
actually called sno-balL in the story. thE other kitty is named "doN armandO" and
he is a latiN lover. "doN armandO" always gets the chicks.
iN the first part of the story the mama kitty is shot by members of an
international catnip cartel. shE tells baby doN armandO to find the bad kitty that
shot her and chase him around the living room. sno-balL is licking his foot when
suddenly the bad kitty, his name is scrappY, comes in and starts licking his foot
also.theN doN armandO, played by me if nobody else wants to, comes in on a
pony and pretends to be licking his foot but he is really loading a shotgun full of
kitty litter. suddenlY doN armandO screams " takE that, bad kitty" and shoots sno-
balL.theN doN armandO chases scrappY around the living room like his mama
said to.
finis

sO, what do you think of my idea ? leT me know soon, wuv, 'lil bozO
[Prior to moving into an apartment with me, Grant had never had any of his cats
neutered. It took many discussions to convince him that neutering cats wasn 't just
"trendy, " and that the procedure wouldn 't fundamentally alter their playfulness
or their personalities to any noticeable degree, but he finally agreed, reluctantly,
to have it done.]

10/30/12 :helP me !
i heard daddy talking to brigiD (i like her) about mE. theY were talking
about me and sno-balL and our diet.theY seem to think we eat too many
cashews and almonds and delicious walnuts. I know they are greasy, and
teenage kitties get bad skin from too many of them, but I don't think I want
my nuts totally cut off. maybE sno-ball and me can just cut down. I do not
want to give up my beloved nuts!
theY are taking us to soutH sainT pauL ( yay ! packers ! go team go ! i
wuv girls hockee !
stanD up and cheer
stand up and cheer for out kaposiA, pledgE your loyalty 'cuz it's the high
school team so dear. ouR boys are fighting and we will help them see it
through
wE got the team ! (raH !! raH !) wE got the steam(raH ! raH !)
kaposiA packers here's to you! ) pleasE forgive mE for the sin of home
town pride. I was born in cowtowN, cowtowN u.s.a.) on wednesdaY to see
some doctor-man. I guess he wants to help us with this nuts business. I
will give up my nuts if daddy gives up his.
anywaY, daddY will let you know tomorrow if you need to stop by.oR just
give us a call on daddY's i-phone. iF it is an l-phone how come he sticks it
in his ear ?
mE and sno-balL will see you later. wuV, liL' bozO

James : hello Bozo,

do not be afraid of giving up nuts (if you put your paw just under the base
of your tail, you will find Deez Nuts). But if you want to blame someone,
blame Sno-ball. Seems that Daddy woke up one too many times to your
brother attempting to "have his way" with him.
your loving Uncle,
James
io/3i/i2: re: helP me !

hello jameS wE are going for a ride with daddY and brigiD. packeR towN here we
come.
leavinG about the time you get home from the record factory. daddY's friend mikE
is bringing over a ruff order of daddY's world record. shoulD he call you? bozO,
with wuv.
p.s. wE saw abrahaM lincolN out the window.

James: dear Bozerita,

have your Daddy call me later, but tell him I may be napping. You know
how the naps suddenly hit you after a long day of work, when you've been
up late the night before, hoovering up the catnip? Yeah.
I would like to hear your Daddy's world record but I may have to wait until
he is back from visiting his friend Carol Eighna.
love,
Unca James

I will do that ,unclE jameS. whY do you call me a girls name ? waiT a minute !
i"M a gettin1 outa here while i still have my nuts! li"L bozO (and i'M not getting
any li"Ler)
[Election night.]

11/7/12: bozO wants to know

nobodY on cnN said a word about cats. arE my mean brother and I
represented ? oR was there some amendment thing way back.
shoulD I pay taxes to caT-less tyranny ?
wuv, ( oH, I think that is so cute !) li'L bozo
ii/v/12: MY SIDE OF THE STORY
Poopbox here, Speaking of politics, at Poopcorp we made an eleventh hour
move and quietly pulled our support from Romney and ....well you know
what happened. I still own Obama and all is right with the world.
It has come to my attention that my brother has been making more of his
usual allegations concerning me kicking his ass. Well how would you like to
be called "No-balls" instead of the name you were given as a kitten. If our
daddy could see him when he leaves, different story. I'm getting really
pissed-off about the whole thing.
Tell them to look out, I'm scrappy when I need to be,
J.P.P.
n/8/12 :(no subject)
BOZO COMES IN FOR A PET
SNO-BALL SAYS " YOU WANNA BET ?
I'M THE ONE WHO DADDY 'WUVS'
AND I HAVE TAKEN OFF MY GLOVES
TO SHOW THE SHARPNESS OF MY CLAWS
THE LIGHTNING QUICKNESS OF MY PAWS
MY DEADLY AIM COMBINED WITH SPEED
I'VE EVEN MADE YOUR DADDY BLEED"
"BUT SNO-BALL, DADDY MADE AN OATH
ON MOMMY'S GRAVE TO LOVE US BOTH
AND TO THAT OATH HE HAS BEEN TRUE
WHAT'S FUCKING GOTTEN INTO YOU ?"
"WHAT'S IN ME IT IS NOT ABOUT
IT'S RATHER WHAT'S BEEN TAKEN OUT
THAT'S FILLED ME WITH THIS GREED AND HATE
AND MADE ME OVERCOMPENSATE
FOR FROLICS I WILL NEVER KNOW
WITH A HOWLING FELINE FEMALE HO
WHO LIFT THEIR ASSES TO THE AIR
TO INDICATE EXACTLY WHERE
THEIR FAVORS CAN BE BEST ENJOYED"
" I DIG" SAID BOZO " I'VE READ FREUD
BUT I ALSO READ THE WORDS OF CHRIST
WHO SAID 'HEY BROTHERS ! LET'S BE NICE
AND I WILL GIVE YOU ALL THE MICE
AND CAT-FOOD TOO , WILL THAT SUFFICE?'
BROTHER SNO-BALL BE ASHAMED !
YOU WOULD NOT EVEN HAVE A NAME
AND THO YOUR FUR IS BLACK AS NIGHT
YOUR NAME MEANS SOMETHING PURE AND WHITE
ME ? I'M NAMED AFTER A CLOWN
AND I WILL NEVER LIVE THAT DOWN
BUT PEOPLE HEAR IT AND THEY SMILE
AND THAT MAKES EVERYTHING WORTHWHILE
SO SMOKE A REEFER/TAKE A PILL
DO SOME YOGA, RELAX, CHILL
JUST STOP YOUR VIOLENT PURSUIT
YOU MAY BE BAD, BUT I AM CUTE"
n/12/12: (no subject)
James: One comment about the flow of the album: you might want
to consider not sequencing "Glorious" and "Most Disturbing Dream" back-
to-back. Given the variety and dynamics of the songwriting throughout the
album, perhaps separating two of the heavier guitar numbers would allow
them a little more force and power. Or at least separate them with a side
break. Just a thought.

deaR jameS, daddY is wrong, you are wright, i told him to put "gloriouS" before
""waR IN heaveN" and he told me " go fuck off ,li'L bozO. I was in what was
arguably the most influential band of the '80's. I walk on two legs and still have
my balls." sno-balL lays there , nodding his head whenever daddY says i'M stupid
or something. i'lL get all the attention thursdaY when i bring my guns to school.
theY won't call me li'L bozO anymore.
theY will call me "bozO leE oswalD" or maybe "squeekY bozO". mommY would
be proud. lot'SoflovE, bozO, li'L bozo
n/15/12: thankS indianS, thanks a lot!
deaR jameS, don'T tell daddY about this, but sno-balL got a turkey. thE problem
is we can't turn on the stove. dO you know any other people who don't have a
place to go for thanksgivinG ? wE were thinking about asking janE from
yamsomobuS, she'S cool.
pleasE let me or sno_balL know what you choose.
wuV, li'LbozO

[James : dear Bozo, I am going to my cousin's for Turkey Day in the

afternoon, but I can hang out with you after that. Maybe I'll even sneak
you some delicious table scraps.]

whaT is a cousin ? li'L bozO

[James : it's what you call the food of a particular culture. Japanese cousin
has lots of raw fish, for example.]

i wish daddY was a bit more japanesE. hoW do you get there ? is it far ? xo ,li'L
bozO

11/15/12: Re: j.p. poopbox says

Hello James, What did you say to my brother ? He is parading around the
apartment in a fucking kimono like a geisha fag. Bowing, taking obnoxious tiny
steps and squinting. It is funny for about ten seconds. I might just have to kick his
li'L ass again.
By the way, I seem to have mis-placed my testicles. I have plans to use them. Let
me know if you see them. Thank you. J.P. Poopbox
n/24/12: deeP thoughts from bozo
deaR unclE jameS, I can see why daddY uses only the big letters.
mE and sno-balL think you are a better hunter than daddY. wE
know he loves us, but the animals he brings home are all chopped
up and dry. hE has to carry them home in a bag. yoU must teach
him how to hunt. youR animals are real moist and taste yummy.
daddY does know how to fish though. lasT night I pretended to go
crazy. I went absolutely rucking nuts! iT was fun. waiT 'til tonight.
I have plans. hA ha ha . wuv, (i get such a kick out of that word!)
li'L bozo
n/25/12: J.P. Poopbox says...
Hello Mr. Lindbloom,
I just got back from an emergency meeting at Bohemian Grove. We were
having some problems with the most recently inserted Obama double and had to
pick a new one. We are confident that our new version of the democratically
(note the small d ) elected leader will perform a bit more predictably. He is an
interesting fellow, this new President of ours.
Former pimp from Trenton, New Jersey, on ice at Super-Max since 2002.Voice is
damn close. His nose took a bit of work but the baldness patern particularly in the
back of the head is a mess. Fortunately a new chemical we developed with the
people at Popiel is an answer to our prayers, duplicates any hair color and can
be administered via aerosol. Anyway there won't be many photographs taken
from the rear that we can't substitute or Photoshop. We only have to worry about
that for twenty months regardless.
By the way, stay out of Miami in July 2014. Just take my word for it, you don't
want to be there. The hotels are overpriced, the food sucks and there are lots of
Cubans there. Funny people, the Cubans. Willing to take on any job for no real
money.Then the turn around and try to sell you their sisters. But I digress...
Back to the Kennedy thing, OOPS ! I mean back to the Obama thing. It has not
been announced yet, but he is going to go to China. Between now and when the
trip is announced buy as much Alcoa as you can afford. THEN, when the
President returns, sell every piece of gold you have for whatever you can get.
Gold will be poison. You can't build weapons out of it and you can't eat it. You
can't power your factories with it so that you can flood international markets with
cheap products.
We will soon see the day when bicycles again flood the streets of Peking. No
more of this Beijing crap. Those cat-eating sons-o-bitches will beg to pull my
rickshaw. Even if I have to spend a year in the cave it will be worth it. I have a ton
of dvds to watch,a cellar that puts 21 to shame and dig this ! FRESH TUNA !
Not frozen, fresh. Wait til you see my set-up. Shrimp too ! in the same
underground lake. It never ceases to amaze me what a semi full of one hundred
dollar bills can do. Hell, what are you doing next week ? I can make a few phone
calls and we can fast-forward this whole "Operation Ponytail" thing.
Wait, no I can't. Daddy's record has to come out first. Never mind.
In closing I would like to thank you for the whatever. Was it bird? Pretty big
pieces for bird. Birds are really small, at least the ones I see. Big,small, bird or
lizard, it tasted great.
I sure hope it wasn't lizard though.
I slipped my brother some Popiel free-will enhancer just for kicks. It wigs you
out then wears off leaving you the impression that the whole thing was just
blowing off a little steam. I could use him if he was more reliable. More reliable
and Cuban that is. There isn't enough sheep dip in the whole world to pull that
off.
Take care, take my advice, and take a gun with you everywhere. Your pal, J.P.
n/30/12: what'S wuV goT to dO with iT ?
unclEjameS,
wilL you come and visit me and sno-balL when daddY and brigiD
go to their land? otherwisE he will bring us back to that perverted
doctor who steals balls from little kitties..
I guess i'M not so little. i'M getting chubby.whaT will the girl cats
think ? actuallY, I don't really care what they think, i used to...li'L
bozO
b.s. sno-balL says hello jameS

J-.
12/7/12 :worD uP,uncle
deaR unclE jameS, mY brother and i know that daddY is leaving
to play rockband. hE has been really nice but we are looking
forward to seeing you. wE can plaY scrabblE and twister. Sno-ball
likeS to spin the spinner. wheN the game really gets going it is
funny, I really like the part where everyone falls down and start
laughing ! hA,hA! noW I can't stop! ha,ha,ha. wuv, li'L bozo
12/7/12 :Re:J.P. Poopbox says...
Hello Uncle James,
I am writing this to let you know about a serious medical condition
that is affecting my brother's health. He will deny it, but he is severely
tuna fish intolerant. If you should happen to bring any with you on one
( or more!) of your visits, please leave it with me and don't even tell
him about it. Let him make his little " I wuv you this much" jokes but
leave the tuna fish with me. Now that I think about it don't tell Daddy
about any fish either.
We can keep it between us, but please don't let this situation change
any plans you have already made to bring over tuna fish. What kind
of quantity are we talking about here? Two pounds ? Three ?
Looking forward to seeing you, asap Sunday. Your loving and
devoted nephew, Sno-ball
Grant: DEAR JAMES, SATURDAY IS TWO YEARS SINCE THE FIRE
AND I WAS WONDERING IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GRAB SOME
DINNER, ANY PLANS ? LET ME KNOW...GH

James. Saturday evening is clear for me, let's do it!

i/24/n: don'T forget about us on "daddY burneD the

housE dowN daY
I saw what daddY was writing you. don'T you think I would like
to have a party too?
I put the idea to sno-balL, but he just walked away, bad memories i
guess. wE can have a "rescue sno-balL party at my place. daddY
goes to brigiD's house when it is cold. fillS up the bowls and "bye-
byE". he is a real fucker. sno-balL and I have our own place but we
miss daddY when he is away. wE found his marijuanna. fucK him.
wuV, liL bozo
3/2/n: bee oh zee capital oh !
deaR uncle jameS
daddY said something about going to the post office to check on the big
publishing payment but that it might be a waste of time because it was not
mailed until thursdaY. I will make sure he has something for you on
mondaY.
daddY left the back door open all night thursdaY by mistake. noT only did
we get to watch all of the people, but we got to eat most of a roasted
chicken that was staying cold between the doors.iT is a good thing sno-
balL had his machete to prevent intruders from escaping. wE love (wuv,ha
ha) to have intruders around. sno-balL says he pities the fool who come
messing around here.mY brother is a tough hombre, or would that be
chatbre ? anywaY, i feel safe when he is around and vice versa.wE are
just like brothers.hE was even licking my neck this morning! weT! i got all
of the brains though.I can talk!
yoU take care and i will have daddY call you and have you over for some
fun. youR nefyou.bozo (bee oh zee capital oh!)
5/2/13: messagE from li'L bozo
deaR unclE jameS, daddy'S car doesn't work good. somE problem with
something called the eggnishun. noW he will have to walk to work. dO you
know a fish store that brings fish over to hungry li'L bozO? I am a bit
concerned about this, snowball tells me that daddY is happy with his new
master. iS daddY a dog? I sure hope not! wE will have to watch him closer
from now on. remembeR the words of aleisteR crowleY, wuV is the waw.
smilin1 li'L bozo

Dear Bozo,
Uncle James' car doesn't work so good either. Only 10% left on the front
brakes, I might crash on the way back from the fish store and we wouldn't
want that. Uncle James' mechanic also says his tie rod ends are loose but
they cost even more than the brakes to fix, so loose they will stay.
If your daddy was signed to Victor Records then he would be a dog, in the
His Master's Voice picture.
Uncle James

hellO , daddY says that if we got the parts that fixing the brakes is easy.iT
will be the brake pads most likely, rotors rarely wear out.z yoU should call
daddy's friend andY @ 952-XXX-XXXX hE knows a place to get the pads,
cheap... li'L bozO goodwrencH

Dear Bozo,
Too late ! They are getting fixed as we speak. But not "fixed" like you,
Bozo.
Does daddy's friend have cheap tie rod ends?
Your Uncle James

daddY says he will call andY later. I learned some bad words. i'M a "49eR.
li'L bozO.
5/n/i3:a staR is born
Dear Uncle James,
I am contacting you for professional reasons as well as my usual cheer
bringing. I know you are quite used to getting dottering observations from
my brother Bozo. Please know that this is not from bozo, but from me,
J.P.Poopbox.aka Sno-ball.
We were putting together a little skit to present to Grant Hart, our daddy.
We worked out a version of Maurice Williams and the Zodiacs timeless
classic, Stay (Just a Little Bit Longer) to sing for him next time he drops by
to feed us. I have things to occupy my spare time, but my brother can drive
me nuts because he cannot apply himself to a project like I can. Cats, as
you well know from our example, are not created equal.
Bozo got a bit shortchanged in the brains department. I still love him,
orjet's say I'm entertained by him.
When he comes in with the falsetto part in our version of Stay, it reminds
me of Daniel Johnston.
It hasn't been easy for me. I'm the smarter one, but Bozo attracts
more...affection from others. I come off as cold and cerebral while he gets
more attention because he finds it easier to be around others. I know that
part of it is his good looks and the "bad kitty" attitude that he demonstrates.
And the nose. Chicks fall for his nose.
Could it be my...perfection that puts people off ?
Anyway, I got a bit off topic there.Back to the reason I am e-mailing you.
I know you have seen THE ROCKCATS" and are a music fan as well as
a cat lover.And you do run a label. I remember all the boxes that would
show up back when we lived with you. I was always curious about those
boxes. Bozo was even more intrigued, as I recall, but after they had been
emptied. I would like to arrange a time when you can come over, pet me,
and talk about doing a record with the two of us. I have written a few
originals that I have published, dba Inqui/Hi-ART music (BMI). I think you
will enjoy some of them. Our set is

1. Gimme Tuna !
2. Stay (cover)
3. Gimme Some More Tuna !
4. Cantina Band Song (from Star Wars)(instrumental)
5. M.E.O.W.
6. Filling Up a Box
7. I'm a Lover Baby
8. Is There Any Tuna?
9. Furburger
10. Claws of Passion
11. (Baby, You're Nothin' But) Fishbait
12. Nice Tail
13. Feline Sexy!
14. What's In the Bag?
15. Daddy Medley

Let me know when you have some time free to come over and talk. We
can even go through some of our material for you. If we can tour as
support for Daddy it would be a perfect situation for all concerned. Please
do not let the cat out of the bag. We want to surprise him.
Also, we still have to find a name to perform under. Any suggestions ?
My brother wants to say something.
J.P. Poopbox

p.S. wE need a little help.someone to discover us. daddY

says we have to work harder, thai isn't the answer
we were looking for.hE just wants to be the star all the time
and i,M sick of that, i got talent, lots of it.
wuV yoU uncle jameS,
li'L bozo

p.p.S. dO you think my "wuv" routine will work on t.V. ? likE

"where'S the beeF ?" i think we should go on t.V.
[Grant had left for a tour of Ireland.]

6/i/i3: (no subject)

deaR unclE jameS, c'moN feeL the noisE ! mE and my
brother sno-balL want you to bring us to tielanD to see ouR
daddY. we hear that he is iratE. sno-balL says daddY is
going to kiss a baloney stone, then he will get the gift of
crab.
i wonder if he will still remember us ? i am a worrieD li'L
bozO
Grant: We are planning a gala celebration of the birthday of Snowy and
Bozo next Wednesday. Probably in the alley for Q, as in BB.
Please get back to me on this....GH

James : Oh no ~~ /'// be at Midway Stadium, watching Bob Dylan.

Thursday is clear for me, if Bozo and Sno-ball are cool with waiting a day.

7/6/13: bring boB dylaN with you !

deaR unclE jameS, sno-balL was the runt, i am the alphA romeO. caN you
bring your friend to my house on thursdaY? doeS boB dylaN have a kitty
cat to give him wuV? daddY told me that boB dylaN used to come over
and make pancakes for me and my brother, i remember this very clearly,
he had a monkey that stirred up stuff in a bowl and he would sing and do
tricks for snowY. hE would sing that song with the names of all the states
in it. then he lost all his hair, i think. wheN i go to michigaN i visit him at his
airport, he has a new helicopter that he won playing high stakes poker for
helicopters.
tell boB dylaN that bozO is cool! bye byE, li'l bozO
s/22/13: ouR triP to irelanD
deaR unclE, my brother is hiding somewhere, I fear he was
taken by the blacK and tanS.auntiE is mad at daddY for
having to bring us to irelanD, so ixnaY on the ewnaY
omehaY ! I have to go rescue soO-balL from the torrieS!
wuV, shamE-uS o'bozO
James: Dear Bozo,

Those cross-town - whoops, I mean cross-continent — trips can be awful

rough I At least you had a steward come through the cabin with
complimentary catnip.
I often go to Ireland myself, so I am sure you will be seeing your uncle
James soon, in your new home.
Love to Sno-Ball too.

deaR unclE, afteR daddY dropped you off we had a really

bumpy ride. mY brother said it was turbulence. wE got out
of our boxes and found ourselves in a neat new place where
it smelled like daddY. snO-balL told me it was irelanD. thE
people are nice and brigiD is here. wE will keep you posted.
wuV, li'L bozO.
g/22/13: (no subject)
Hello Uncle James, Upon arrival in Ireland (I think Shannon Airport.Dublin)
my naive brother and I were taken to a house where our father had been
staying. I sensed from the beginning that daddy was involved in
something, something evil. I think it has something to do with international
tuna smuggling. Anyway, I fell into the clutches of a group Known as The
Blue Fin Brotherhood, an ancient organisation that claims to have its
origins in the famine era gang The Hungry Kittens. It is part of American
folk history, the story of how The Kittens came to dominate the 5 Points
and fought the rival Irish mobs The Dead Mice and the more connected
Fenian Felines, who entered politics and came to control Tammany Hall for
decades.
I have been educated by this courageous group, and I have been
convinced by them that my future in business is limited. I have
re-dedicated myself and my fortune to what some call Eco-Terrorism. I
wish my legacy to be that of a loyal cat who ensured the cats of the future
a chance to eat plenty of this yummy fish !
Please tell my clown brother that I love him and that I look forward to the
day when our struggles are over and we can raise a glass in good
fellowship.. Give my best to Daddy. I know he isn't my real father. Duh...
9/6/13 :yippiE !
deaR unclE jameS, daddY told me and my brother snO-balL that we were
going to visit you for a bit. wE are very excited about this !
wE are packing everything we need to bring. caN we bring some games ?
daddY says that if we bring stuff to play with then we wont get into trouble.
sO far we have food for our little dishes and little dishes for our food. We
have our boxes to go poopy in and some of the sandy stuff. wE even have
a new fun thing that brigiD brought here. caN we come over on saturdaY
night ? thai way daddY isn't freaking in, or out. dO you play scrabblE ?
li'L bozO

deaR unclE, daddY thinks this will only be until he gets back on the 17th.
brigiD is falling for my brother, snO-balL.
seE you tomorrow ! wuV, li'L bozO

dO we need to bring water ?

James:
Dear Bozo,
Sno-Ball is a fine figure of a cat but I know of at least 2 Ladies (human)
who said - independently of each other - how handsome you were.
We should go out to a bar some time and you could be my wingman. In
England it would be called "pulling some birds" and I bet you excel at that.
With love,
Uncle J

deaR unclE jameS, wheN daddY is away will you take us to pencil vayniA
? therE is a city I want to see and so dose my brother,snO-balL. brigiD
brought us nice things today from petcO. dO you know how to play cards?
I want to play go to the dump.
will you take us to see the twinS? caN we go fishing? iN the ocean? wE
like irelanD very much but we are americaN kitties. I wuv the uniteD states
and hilarY obamA. shE danceS nice.
I got to go now. brigiD says I have dead skin. noW I am sad. pooR skin.
byE, li'L bozO
12/21/14 bozO report...
hellO deaRunclE,
li'L bozO here with the latest family news.
wE are all saddened by the announcement that caT fancY magazine
is going to suspend publication. noW I will never be able to look at
the pictures again or rip apart the pages of this sophisticated journal.
thE news makes me want to cry, like this...waaaah ! wah, wah, blubber
bwah, wah....mY brother, snoW-balL is very upset too but he keeps it
all inside. iF you put your head on his tummy you can hear it. iT goes
"mmmmm, mmm, mmmmmmhh,mrmmmnm. anD then a bunch of
sound comes out when he poops. I wish he could just let it go.
I learned how to talk in chinesE. I am going there to stage a cat-
commando raid on all of the bad people who eat my fellow kitties.
goD is on my side. mY left side. hE comes to sleep with me and
daddY and my brother, snoW-balL hE has a crooked tail from when
the hebrewS built a boat to sail over lakE superioR. hE has a brother
too! imaginE ! I have something in common with the superior being !
hiS brother is called tubbY. hE is fat as fuck and eats anything made
of rubber or cardboard. tubbY sings sweet songs about goD and him
growing up in northerN michigaN. onE of the best is called "mE and
goD growinG uP iN northerN michigaN". iT belongs to walteR, he
says in an italiaN accent. daddY hates tubbY because he ate the tires
on daddy'S germaN sheparD. alsO the covers to his records and the
box the soup comes in but not the soup. noT the soup and not the
noodles.
indenteD paragraph. neW tropic. iT is especially painful to not have
mommY, our REAL mommY around for christmaS. wE were born in
augusT and mommY was killed in late octobeR so we never got to
have christmaS with her. wE never posed in santA hats . somE cats
mommyS eat a bunch of maraschino cherries and drink creme
d'menthe so that their milk comes out looking and tasting like a
candy cane. hoW do I know this ? I hear things...
 indenteD paragraph again. daddY taught me a word, a talking word
not just a typewriter word. thE word is ouch, when we are begging for
a delicious treat and pull down daddyS trousers so we can kiss his
butt our fingernails make him say "ouch". I went to where he was
using the litter bowl and put my hands on his leg and he quietly said
"ouch" and so I stopped right away and he was happy and proud of
me.
anotheR indented paragraph. daddY caught my brother,snoW-balL
eating petroleum jelly right out of the jar. hE loveS that stuff and the
price is going down too because the mysterious leoN spinkS in egypT
growled at texaS. that'S the story I heard. I wonder, how long I would
have to study to become a kangaroO ? theN I could live in a land
where all little kitties are free and it's always midnight. oR, I could
study really hard and become a pandA bear. I am already the right
colors. excepT for the blue. daddY says you are going to see your
mommY and daddY. mY daddy walked out on my mommY before I
was born but I saw him once from the window of a car. hE was
strutting around like a big shot with his tail up in the air, coming and
going as he pleased. hE would never amount to much so I am glad
that me and my brother,snoW-balL have the daddY that we do. ouR
daddy is a good hunter even if he puts all of what he brings home
into a tiny cold room and deals it out like it was mouse meat.
hmmmmM, never saw him catch a mouse...what'S up with that?
havE a holiday that is grrrrrrrrrreat! ( I saw a tiger say that on nick
at nitE) Luv, li'L bozo and his brother, snoW-balL

/;
12/21/14 : OOOpS

I forgot to tell you what I heard. staY away from history. baD
things happen there.
li'L bozO
i/i9/i5: The Truth Be Known....
[Grant:] Snow-Ball is a good boy ! Somehow last night Bozo got the door open. He was
outside trying to get in and Snow-Ball wouldn 't let him.
Bozo calls him "Snot-Ball"
In a different time Snobie might have become one of the greats in
science or the arts. He might have accomplished wonders in the field
of literature or mathematics. He is happy with the role of foot-warmer
and dust collector.

[James:] Every job is important, foot-warmer and dust-collector included.

What else to do, when he's made his fortune early in life and retired from Poopbox
Industries ?

[Grant:] You apparently have read the press release issued by Poopbox Industries and
believed it. What is not generally known is he was swindled out of most of his wealth in a
scam designed to remove him as head of the company he founded as a kitten four years
ago.
A hostile takeover of P.I. by competing company bozOcorp forced Snobie
to purchase shares of bozOcorp at a price in excess of their worth. He was
attempting to profit from research conducted by bozOcorp in the area of virtual
litterboxes. Further development was cancelled when researchers were unable to
develop a modem that could be worn on a cat's ass.
J.P. Poopbox was desperate for funds and embarked on a scheme to
smuggle catnip into Indonesia. While on a plane to Jakarta he was arrested after calling
attention to himself by constantly pressing the attendant call button and requesting
"rough petting, like what daddy does." Suspecting customs men searched his luggage
and found over five hundred kilograms of raw British Columbian catnip with a negligible
street value. He confessed to the charges after the arresting officer told him, "We eat
little kitties like you !"
Sentenced to death, he was led to the firing squad where he was tied to the post. It
was at this time that the executioner lowered "her" burkha and exposed a black nose on
an all white face. "Follow my lead" "she" said.
Asked if he had a last request, Bozo spoke for the prisoner and said, "He
wants a tuna...He wants TWO tuna steaks. "Very well" said the lord high executioner, "He
shall have them."
After an interval that seemed short, two tuna steaks were brought out on
a plate. Bozo dove right in and consumed them both. The execution resumed.
When Snobie returned to the United States he was grateful to the Justice Department.
In the nick of time they extradited him back to the U.S. to
testify in court in an insider trading case involving boZocorp. When asked if he felt any
remorse in testifying against his brother he replied, "Sometimes you
have to play rough, especially when the steaks are this big."
Talk to you later, Grant
4/1/15 : Something nice for Daddy
Dear Uncle James, Daddy was petting me the other day(night) and I thought that
it would be nice for me to do something nice for him in return. The idea struck
me that it would please him very much to behold me in all of my Regal splendor.

Would you happen to know anyone who could supply me with a golden
crown ? I think that that would make Daddy smile, to see me wearing a nice,
big crown, beaten from the finest gold ! What do you think ? It would also make
it easier for my brother, Bozo to remember who is the King of all the Cats, Felix
Rex. If he wants to have a title he can be known as "Bozo, His brother's little
bitch". He would be wise to jump at that opportunity instead of jumping at me.
What are your thoughts ? I will be here waiting to hear from you.
You are a fine human, a credit to your breed.
Your Pal,

King Snow-Ball the first

[and the same day....]

Dear Uncle,
One big attraction of being Royal is I hear they have lots of concubines.
Am I mistaken or are they a relative of the hedgehog ?

I am thinking of Knighting Daddy and giving him some kind of official status.
What do you think he would like the most ? Minister of Petting ? Director of
Fisheries ? Scooper of the Royal Poop ? Let me know what you think, I want to
rule with wisdom and compassion.
Your King, Snow-Ball the First
(And last, thanks to that fucking veterinarian !)
s/9/15 ". birthdays ? who needs 'em
deaRunclEjameS,
mY brother, snoW-balL and I heard you had a nice time eating fish with daddy and talking
about our birthday. wisH I could have been there but daddY and our new mommY snuck out of
the house telling us they were picking up some tape. I hope it is strong tape that will help bind
up our little broken hearts.
mY brother, snoW-balL really had a good laugh at my expense with that "gift" you sent home. I
told him I didn't know what was so funny about it and I was telling the truth. iS that how people
see me ? all this time people say I am an adorable little kitty and now I am teased with a bag of
air with a scary face. somE birthdaY. fed note: the birthday present was a small inflatable Bozo
The Clown doll]
tell you what, go find a bag of doggy poop and write "snoW-balL"
on it and give it to him. thai would really be funny.
somE times I get so fucking pissed off at you people that it is hard to be adorable and cute. I
better get some tuna really soon or i'M going to do something crazy. hoW would that make you
feel?
luV, li'L bozo

James : Happy birthday, Bozo.

You too, Sno-ball.
I'm sure Daddy and your new
Mommy will make this day very
special for you. Kindergarten
starts in a few weeks, are you ready ??

love,
Unca'James

deaRUnclEjameS,
I think that I am going to go directly
into the job market and postpone higher
education like kindy garden for the time
being. therE are many meat counters and
fish markets where my expertise can find
a place.
mY brother, snoW-balL has a lot of book
learning and all he does with it
is act like mR. smarty-britcheS. thanK you
for the nice birthday present.
caN you tell me what you did with it ?
8/28/15 blacK liveS matteR (all nine of them)
deaR unclE herself jameS,
mY brother, snoW-balL has gone off again, this time he is giving daddY a
bunch of grief also.
hE stared picking on me saying I didn't know a damn thing because I am half
white. I can handle that, I have dealt with it before. noW he says that he is only
my half brother and that his daddy had to be black because he is "all black" and
that my daddy was white. I told him that daddY is the only daddy I ever knew and
that the same was true for him. theN he got all belligerent and started calling me
an "uncle tom-cat". yoU are the only uncle I ever knew and I don't think you are a
"toM-cat". arE you a "toM-cat" ?
daddY got fed up and told him that our real mommy deserved some respect.
snoW-balL just kept yelling "shut up !" snoW-balL said that she would be alive if
she didn't have to go carousing and getting all dead. noW he is blocking the way
to the food bowl and says I should be ashamed for taking a "handout" from
daddY. I bet he would eat some tuna if daddY offered it. tunA solves everything.
sigH.Ji'L bozO
p.S. dO you know what a "hood rat" is ?
2/12/15 : collaR ?
deaR unclE jameS, i can't seem to find my collar anywhere.
i'vE looked around everywhere for it and can't find it daddY
is going to be pissed off at one poor little kitty. I know, i'lL
paint one on with this paint in this tube thingy ! iT smells
minty. I wonder what would happen if I put some in my eye.
FUCKING JESUS that hurts. I guess I won't be doing that
again...perhaps...but I better make sure...
WHOOOOAAAAHHH ! that hurt alright. I am pouring tears
out of my eyes like raindrops. I will find out what my
brother,snoW-balL thinks, come here snoW-balL ! iS that my
collar you are wearing ? puT some of this in your eye and
everything you eat will taste like a tuna treat.(l am a little
bastard, hA !)
don'T eat it! whaT are you doing ? it'S what ? neveR heard of
it. mY collar? oh...I am wearing it. I thought I took it off.
neverminD. jusT forget I even mentioned it. luV, li'L bozO
9/7/is:deaD seT on consumptioN !

well I'm standing by the sink

and I'm so hungry that I cannot think
'cuZ there's tuna in the 'fridge
and I just wanna eat a tiny smidge
deaD seT on consumptioN !
deaD seT on consumptioN !
thE countertop is high
there might be something up there so I try
buT the food is put away
so ill have to get some in another way
deaD seT on consumptioN !
deaD seT on consumptioN !
mY daddy's coming around
I stick my claws in his trousers and I pull them down
buT he is not swayed
so I won't get tuna 'til another day
deaD seT on Consumption ! (repeaT a bunch of times)
(wordS by bozO, 2015 inqui/hl-arT(bml)
[After a few years of not having one of my own, I brought home a cat named Duncan.]

io/24/i5. New cat

deaR unclE jameS, daddY showed me and my brother,snoW-balL, the
picture you sent of your new "cat". wE are happy that you are happy
but how did he get all brown ? snoW-balL, my brother says he might
be from guatamalA. buT then his name suggests he is from lucK,
wisconsiN. i think the way to tell is if he has a string and he goes up
and then down. diD you save the box he came in ? i would very much
like to sit is it and think. iT might be a small box and i am a big kitty
now that i'm eating regular. daddY says my brother, snoW-balL and I
came in the same box with two other kitties. onE of them was from
mexicO. thE other was just like my brother, snoW-balL and me. wE are
from south sT. pauL wisconsiN, and damn proud of it. I am americaN
and my brother, snoW-balL is a polacK. hE eats mouse sausages and
sowerkraut and little pickles that he makes himself. anD onions. lotS
of onions.
yoU should find another kitty to lick the brown kitty from
guatamalA. yoU don't want to do that but somebody has to.
byE bye, bozo
10/25/15: no subject

deaR yoyO (AKA duncaN,AKA duncaN imperiaL) yoU don't have to

introduce yourself to us because we know all about you and your
work with DJ tabby and pusS princesS. wE know about it but we don't
listen to it. ouT here in little Canada we try not to focus on the
negative aspects of society. wE don't make ourselves seem tough or
strong by pretending our neighborhoods are warzones. it'S a good
life here and you are welcome to visit as long as you leave the
violence and saggy-assed britches at home. ouR daddY is the only
one around here with saggy-assed britches, sometimes you can see
his butt.
yoU are licky to find a nice human like our unclE to live with, he is
kind and you could probably learn a lot about other kinds of music
from him. don'T run away or cause him any grief because he doesn't
need any. bE really careful when you are on the porch anD when he
has a ladY over be a good "wing-man", let her pet you and call you
cute then get out of there and stay away even if she starts howling.
it'S not your business.
onE last thing...no cat has ever been able to take one bite of tuna
and walk away. tunA gets into a cat's mind, into his soul. yoU will
trade all of your favorite toys for just one more bite.iT will make you
start acting like a bad kitty.
sO, all preaching aside, me and my brother,snoW-balL look forward
to seeing you. therE must be a special quality that you have because
unclE jameS hasn't had a kitty for quite a while. wE know he is excited
to have you come live at his home.
happY landings ! bozO & snoW-balL I I \j
[Duncan didn't work out. I brought him back to Feline Rescue and brought home a girl
named Eleanor.]

n/23/15: Hello Elenore

My name is Snow-Ball and I would love to meet you!
n/23/15: Oh....iS that ElenorE?
hellO,! was just smelling these flowers.
yoLI see, I am a strong, but sensitive kind of cat. mY name is bozO and
we should get together. I live in littlE canadA with my daddY and mommY
and somebody else of no real consequence. daddY buys so much tunA
that we have to throw a lot of it away. i'M pretty well fixed, call me up !
ii/24/i 5: Eleanor

deaR eleanoR, I like the way you look

and I want to make you purr.
bozO-612-267-0473
iF a man answers hang up !
3/15/16:'16

Dear Uncle James, These rumors get started and they never quite die out.
I am too old-school to get behind Trump. I prefer traditional Republicans,
Bob Dole was the last one I could really endorse wholeheartedly. Reagan
was an embarrassment but people loved him. I spoke at Nancy's service
the other day and the crowd reminded me of the cast of "Animal House". I
had to sit next to Dick Cheney who shit his pants halfway thru the gig. He
tried to cover it up by staying close to Bush Sr. who always smells that
way. Why do you think Babs always has that look on her face ?
No, Mr.Trump can take the party to Hell without me. There are
contingency plans for October but right now the West Virginia farm boys
can't choose between a disturbed Iraq war vet and a burkha wearing
tranny from the Mossad. I favor a guy from Camp Pendleton who is a dead
ringer for Ted Cruz.
We have many choices this election year. Bozo asked me if I wanted to
spend the afternoon handing out Bernie Sanders campaign literature. It
might be fun !
What the Hell! It's going to be Hillary anyway.
Take care, Your old friend J.P.
11/19/16 Thinking about Elinore...
I've only seen her in pictures but I just can't stop thinking about her.
I won't mention her to my brother, Snow-Ball, because he would probably
say something mean.
One time he told me he was the original "little Friskies" cat and I believed
him.Next he told me he was one of the cowboys on the Chuck Wagon
commercial.That I did not believe.
n/19/16: To Elinore.
Hello there fuzzy cheeks! My name is Snow-Ball and James and I were
room mates once.
My brother mentioned you and spoke fondly about you. I then took great
pleasure in saying something mean. He is a weakling who needs to
toughen-up. I, on the other hand, am strong, very strong.
Snow-Ball.
BONUS CUTS

10/31/14: BOO !

Grant: Hello kiddies ! Who are you ? A little princess ? did your mommy help
you get dressed up so pretty ? You are such a sweet little princess...HEY ! Don't
do that! Give me back that bowl of candy you little bitch ! Come back here with
that fucking candy ! I'll chase you, you little snotface ! Don't throw that bowl at
me! Shit..now I'm bleeding ! There...I got you ...OOPS ! These costumes are made
so cheap! Damn thing tore like kleenex..."Now what's wrong ? get up ! open your
eyes. Christ Almighty I've knocked her out...and I'm bleeding like a stuck pig,
whatever THAT means...stuck with what? a bleeding forehead and an eight-year-
old princess covered in my blood, all over her white dress...all over her rhinestone
crown and blond hair! What do I do now ? Oh God !
I better act quick...There isn't much time... I KNOW ! the car, the trunk of the
car. i"ll just drag her...like so...keys in my pocket, so far so good, lay her on this
old blanket like so...CHRIST SHE'S WAKING UP...QUICK, THE TIRE IRON...

James : Don't leave me hanging.... WHAT HAPPENED NEXT.

Grant: Then there was a twenty minute instrumental, after which he wakes up
and it was all a dream !

James : OH MY GOD. This email CHANGED MY LIFE. Best and most

influential email EVER.

Grant: Pretty cathartic, huh ?

n/27/14: Holiday greetings

Christmas is coming
the goat is getting fat
please put a cephalopod
in Cthulu's hat
If you haven't got a cephalopod
an l-pod will do
if you haven't got an l-pod
GOD BLESS YOU ! !
Happy Black Friday friends
4/29/16: Warheads
James: I have a very vague memory of Warheads appearing on a local
compilation, probably a cassette comp. Not one that Husker appeared on
as well. Does this ring a bell at all ?

Grant: I have an even vaguer memory about old-timey things like cracker
barrels, boat-tailed Locomobiles and fishing on old Lake Wenfoshiblemk.
Once I caught seventeen Walleyes and a Northern pike on one hook. I
only had one hook. We took care of our hooks back then and didn't let
them get all wet like the kids are known to do nowadays. I remember an
old Indian named Frenchy who showed us kids how to strip off our clothes
and rub goose fat all over ourselves and roll in the dirt. When we did that
all of the gold would stick to the goose fat like a magnet. One time we
collected Seventy-two pounds of gold between the three of us. Twenty-four
pounds apiece. Back then that was a lot of gold. My sister decided then
and there that she was gonna get close to old Frenchy and steal his gold.
Back then I had an old Ford model W. It was called model W because it
was the first automobile that featured that new invention, the wheel. Before
that you just sat in the thing and didn't go anywhere. Big waste of money.
T'was the wheel that made the automobile practical. Yes Sir, that's what
changed the way people lived. The wheel is what inspired Thomas Edison
to start developing the road. The rest is history.
Warheads...weren't they the band at Schumacher's Cake-Walk Pavilion?
It was at Schumacher's that I met the woman that would one day become
my Mother. Back then people would use pennies and nickels
interchangeably. A beer cost four cents and you gave the man a nickel and
he gave you the same nickel back as change. A man could get pretty
drunk that way. Seems to me that Schumacher's went out of business. It
must have been the free lunches.
Those were the good times !
By the way, after sister took Frenchy's gold I was obliged to marry her.
We built us a house out of a run-down outhouse. The first house around
here with a basement.
11/25/12

I AM SURVEYING PEOPLE ABOUT THIS AND I DON'T THINK I HAVE

ASKED YOU THIS EVER. DID YOU READ 'PARADISE LOST" WHEN,
AND UNDER WHAT CONDITIONS. YOU WOULD BE AMAZED AT THE
STATS I HAVE.
KEEP IN MIND THAT YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE I HAVE QUERIED
WHO HAS A MOM WHO ADAPTED IT. SHE IS YOUR MOM RIGHT?
YOU WEREN'T ADAPTED ?
SPEAKING OF, YOU MAY HAVE BEEN THE ONLY OFFSPRING, BUT
YOU AREN'T AN ONLY CHILD. TAKE CARE MEIN FRER