Complete Nonsense

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Purim

an

You can tell a lot about someone's theology by watching how they deal with a stop sign: 1. A Yeshiva Bochur does one of two things: A. Takes another route to Yeshiva that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the Halachah, or B. Stops at the stop sign, says "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," waits 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceeds. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R. Shlumiel says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. ben Tzurishadoy says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Bob ben Builder says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Sam ben Fire engine says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." But R. Noname says: ... (continues for three more pages) 2. A Chassid does the same thing as a Yeshiva Bochur, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal. 3. A Breslover Chassid sees the sign and does hisboddidus saying: "Ribono Shel Olam [Master of the Universe] - here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I'm about to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please watch over me and help me to

get through this stop sign safely." Then, "looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal - even if the car rolls backward for a moment - then he hits the gas pedal and forges bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yetzer hara might put in his path. 4. A Lubavitcher Chassid stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in the light of the Rebbe's teachings. (In former times he would have used his mobile to call Brooklyn and speak to the Rebbe personally for advice, but this is no longer possible, may the Rebbe rest in peace.) Next, he gets out of the car and sets up a roadside mitzvah mobile, taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish drivers who stop at the sign whether or not they have put on tefillin today or whether they light Shabbos candles. Having now settled there, he steadfastly refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until Moshiach comes. 5. A Reform Jew sees the stop sign, and coasts up to it while contemplating the question "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?" During this internal process he edges into the intersection and is hit from behind by a car driven by a secular Jew who ignored the sign completely.

Only 5000 for outstanding in Ofsted and Pikuach, now you know why were a business and enterprise school
' '' ' ''

...No, that is not an excuse to get wasted (Shock and horror from reader) ( What, does that mean I have to start Pesach cleaning?)

There are times when I wonder whether people appreciate how much we editors do for this publication every week. Not only do we have to find people who are crazy enough to write Divrei Torah, we have to write our own. We have to stand, sweating, by a photocopier which keeps- jamming- every- twoseconds! We then have to sit down, in our hard earned free periods, and sort them into little packets, so your shul gets exactly the right number of sheets every week. And if theres a mistake! Hate mail, death threats, and people nicking our coco pops at breakfast... And now, we realised we would have to be funny as well! The things we do for you...

Around Chanuka time, panic broke out in the Living Torah No, replied the father. broom cupboard when we realised that we would have to discard our normal dour personalities, and actually attempt to Confused, the son protested. But why not? You said you would! make some jokes. Once we had all calmed down, we realised that we would probably have to distribute articles to different editors to write. But who would be willing to sacrifice their entire reputation for one measly article? So, we decided to draw straws. Typically, I drew the short straw, and was stuck with the front page. However, humour and I have never got on well together since I had an argument with it when I was 4. So instead, I decided to be boring, and write a dvar torah... When I told you I would, replied the father, that was on the assumption that everything you brought would be for my honour, and the honour of my daughters wedding. When I saw that you did not buy your brother anything, I realised that everything you did was really for your own personal honour. Hence, I am not paying you back. So too, says Rav Neiman, this applies to us. We spend so much money on food and clothes for Shabbos and Yom Tov, but is it really for Hashems honour? If it was, we should surely spend money ensuring that poor people also have what to eat and what to wear. Hence, on Purim, which is a day specifically set aside for a Seudah, a meal, we are commanded to give mishloach manos and matanos leevyonim, to ensure that the meal we will eat is not for our own honour, but for Hashems.

Have

amazing

!!!

We all know that on Purim, two of the mitzvos of the day are mishloach manos and matanos leevyonim. The question is, asks Rav Yaakov Neiman in his sefer Darchei Mussar, why were these two mitzvos established for Purim specifically? What is it about Purim that necessitates these two mitzvos?

He answers with a parable from the Dubno Maggid. There was once a father who had two sons who lived overseas. One son Im Yirtzeh Hashem, we should all merit to have a meaningful was rich, while the other was poor. One day, the daughter of Purim, and to not get (too) drunk. Right, thats enough of me. this father got engaged. The father sent a long letter to the Over to... erm... everyone else. rich son, inviting him to the wedding of his daughter. In the letter, he wrote that the son should spend whatever he

That
This Shabbos, Daily Nach will be 20 Perakim ahead of you. Because youre behind. Most people are.
Dvar Torah... Sort of

Shushan Purim Alos Hashachar: 4:10 Netz: 5:19 (For those not sleeping off the hangover)

needed for the wedding- be it clothes for him and his family or travel expenses- and the father would pay it back. At the end of the letter, he slipped in that the poor son was also invited. And so, both sons, together with their families, came to the wedding. The rich sons family arrived dressed in beautiful new clothes, paid for from the fathers bank account. The poor son and his family, however, arrived in rags and tatters, causing great embarrassment to the father. After the wedding, the rich son came to his father, and asked him to pay him for his expenses.

Important Information... Its so important that its irrelevant

Agony Aunt/Uncle

Hasmonean News Bulletin

Rebbe pictures needed to redecorate a noticeboard. Reminder to parents: Ofsted fees are now due, cheques should be made payable to Mr. I. N. Shpektor. Parents are requested to sign the forms enabling Hasmonean to use the footage obtained by CCTV cameras for entertainment purposes. A bill of attainder has been passed for rekidahs, singing and smiling; these offences now carry the punishment of scrapping January exams, coming into effect immediately. Students are reminded not to drink too much apple juice over Purim A Fancy dress parade will be taking place on the day after Shushan Purim in the hall Hasmonean reserves the right to discipline students caught attempting to take less than 25 GCSEs. The IT Club are up to page 36 of the text book and have moved on to formatting in Excel Documents

Ask the Rabbi

Chuck,

You seem a decent chap and indeed you make a good point. The Jokover Rebbe has kindly agreed to answer questions from However there is no use fighting the inevitable. My advice those that managed to gain access to his gabbaim. Due his would be to drink your sorrows away. In fact, have a tea party! belief in political neutrality, the rebbe refuses to speak in any Slow Shockler language except uvagav. We have done our best to translate his words. Dear rebbe, Lost in translation In recent weeks, I have begun to notice that my Dear Rebbe, shockle speed is not what it once was. I used to I often feel that yidden have shver taiching my sentences. Veiss dechois, conversation becomes takka difficult and they often leave me fatumult and fartootst. Ken zein the rebbe has an aitzo? Quentin Douglas-Hamilton Quentin, Lee, Uvgiappreciate your plight entirely. Empathising with your quandary is particularly easy for me, as I often employ antediluvian language which tends to obfuscate rather than elucidate. We sesquipedalian folk must make a special effort to be uvgundvgerstvgood by plebeians. Irked by Americanisms Dear Rebbe, I was by Maariv the other day and I was shocked to hear that my favourite temple has been infiltrated by americanizims. Surely it is against our very constitution for such language to become standardized? Chuck Young One common problem I often observe is the old misplaced centre of gravity problem. Yidden dont tend to realise that by failing to move backwards, they run the risk of toppling over and ending up flat on their face. I have seen people make this mistake many times, especially on Yom Kippur, when ones legs are more tired. This is a famous problem, which can cause congregants to lower their SPM. However, understand that this is not a new predicament for yidden. I once heard a beautiful pshat from my brother, the Rebbe of Shikkur on the Mishna in Berachos(5:1). Chasidim harishonim hayu shohin shaa achas umispallelim (The pious men of old used to wait an hour before praying). What was the preparation they made? The Rebbe explained that the Hayu shohin is roshei teivos Hachanas Shockling. We see the devotion required to reach a perfected state of shockling. IYH may you be zoche to up your SPM ad meah vesrim! be able to comfortably reach 60 SPM, however, I fear I have slipped down to the cesspit of society. I can now only manage a mere 40 SPM. How can I restore my shockles per minute to its former glory? Lee Nover

Did you know? Megillah reading in Satmar can take up to 3 hours because they boo each time the word medina is read.

Kollel Guy: Why does the Torah begin with a gimmel?

Gems from Chazal The follow famous words of wisdom from our sages is never more pertinent than at the Purim Seudah: Enjoy your meal!

Answerer: It begins with a beis. Kollel Guy: Oh, so thats one teretz.

I was so drunk last Purim, I tripped over a cordless phone and got run over by a parked car

Gematria:
We know that the gallows Haman built at Zeresh's suggestion were 50 amos high. However, which Shita (opinion) of amos did she use? We know that the pole was long enough to hang Haman and all of his 10 sons, therefore, it is unlikely she followed Rav Moshe or Rav Chaim Noe, whose shitas of 21.25 in. and 18.9 in. respectively probably would not be long enough to hang all of them. Therefore, we are forced to say she followed Shitas Chazon Ish of 22.7 inches. In fact, there is a remez (hint) to this in the Megillah. The megillah records that Zeresh said . The gematira of Is 386. This is the same gematria as . This proves that she used the amah of the Chazon Ish.

Riddle:
What do atheists learn in Mussar Seder?
Godless HaAdam Answer: Answer: Answer: