How Adults Can Help Stop Bullying As with many issues related to growing up, openly talking about

bullying before it happens is most helpful for children. Teach your child how to recognize and react to bullying, regardless of who is the victim. Also, talk about and model empathy, which is being sensitive to and understanding how other people feel. This can help prevent your child from becoming involved in bullying others. Children on both sides of bullying incidents need help. Adults must first recognize that bullying should not be ignored. This includes the form of bullying most typical for girls-excluding and shunning. No bullying behaviors should be considered a normal part of growing up. Bullying is abusive behavior that has a negative impact on other children. Bullying is also an early sign of more violent or cruel behavior later in life.7 If you witness bullying, intervene and speak up. Make it clear that you will not tolerate it. Ideally, build an alliance with a bullying child's parents first. If you confront the bully on behalf of your child without his or her parents around, you risk putting the child on the defensive. Also, children who bully often are skilled in turning their parents against you. Don't give them the chance to come up with a different version of the real story. And remember that parents are often the role models for a child's bullying behavior. If you think your child is bullying others Aggressive behavior often starts early in a child's life. Although it is normal for young children to hit, fight, and argue with each other, most will learn to control these impulses. You can help your child understand that his or her words and actions affect other people. You play an important role in making your child aware of others' feelings. Your child may be bullying another if he or she: Comes home from school with extra money or "new" toys, books, or clothes. Is cruel or mean when talking about other children. Excludes other children from activities.

If you see any of this behavior, take action. Discuss the situation with your child as soon as possible before the behavior becomes routine. Ask questions to find out what is going on in your child's life. It may be that your child is being bullied and is dealing with it by targeting other children. Or, your child may not yet know the importance of understanding the feelings of others (empathy). You can help your child by setting rules, supervising activities, and leading by example. Control your anger, and show sensitivity and respect for others. If a child bullies, do not punish him or her with physical force (corporal punishment), such as spanking. Physical punishment only strengthens the belief that people can get what they want through aggression. The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry recommends that parents of children who bully seek help from their child's teacher, principal, school counselor, pediatrician, or family doctor. These professionals can help evaluate your child's behavior and make a referral to a child and adolescent psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a licensed counselor who can work with your child. If you think your child is being bullied Many children are too embarrassed or are afraid to tell an adult about bullying. They may think that involving an adult will only make the problem worse. You can prepare your children by teaching them socialization skills, modeling friendly behavior, and making sure they know that you will always be there for them. Mention that if something bothers them, they can also talk with a school counselor.

Be familiar with signs of bullying, such as frequent headaches, stomachaches, or not wanting to go to school. Also, ask your child questions, such as whom he or she eats with at lunch or plays with at recess. If you sense something is wrong, trust your instincts. There are many ways you can help your child deal with bullying. Talk about the situation. Although often reluctant at first, many children who are bullied will open up if they are in the right environment. A good place to start these discussions is in the car or other place where you have little eye-toeye contact. Listen calmly and thoughtfully. Don't promise that you won't tell anyone. Rather, admit that you may need to become involved but you will do your very best not to make problems worse. Practice role-playing at home. Encourage your child to react calmly and confidently to taunting. Help your child understand that responding with physical aggression or insults usually will make the problem worse. For example, have your child practice saying "Leave me alone" and then walking away. Teach your child behaviors that show confidence rather than shyness and vulnerability. Children can learn to look people in the eye and speak up when they talk. Assure your child that confident behavior can be learned. Help build your child's self-esteem by suggesting that he or she meet others through different activities. Having friends and interests can boost a child's confidence and make him or her less likely to be bullied. Encourage your child to think about the qualities that make a good friend. Suggest that your child join activities that are supervised by an adult. Bullying is less likely to occur near adults.

Characteristics of Children Who Bully Children who bully:1 May witness physical and verbal violence or aggression at home. They have a positive view of this behavior, and they act aggressively toward other people, including adults. May hit or push other children. Are often physically strong. May or may not be popular with other children around their same age. Have trouble following rules. Show little concern for the feelings of others.

Many bullies think highly of themselves. They like being looked up to. And they often expect everyone to behave according to their wishes. Children who bully are often not taught to think about how their actions make other people feel. Some children both bully others and are bullied. They may have been bullied and then lash out at others. Young people who bully are at a higher risk for smoking tobacco in middle school and drinking alcohol throughout their school years.2 Children who bully are at risk for school failure and dropout and for committing criminal acts later in life.1 Bullying behavior is a "red flag" that a child has not learned to control his or her aggression. A child who bullies needs counseling to learn healthy ways to interact with people. Professional counseling can guide a child through discovering why bullying is hurtful. Through this process, a counselor can encourage a child to develop empathy, which is being sensitive to and understanding the feelings of others. In some cases, follow-up counseling may involve the parent. Family counseling has been shown to help reduce anger and improve interpersonal relationships in boys with bullying behavior.3

Characteristics of Children Who Are Bullied Children who are bullied tend to be:1, 4 Sensitive. Socially withdrawn. They may think poorly of themselves, or they may have a quiet temperament. Anxious. Passive. They often let other people be in control and do not stand up for themselves. More likely to get depressed.

Children who are bullied are not to blame for attacks against them. Make sure your child understands this. Boys are more likely than girls to be bullied in both physical and psychological ways.5 In rare cases, a child who is bullied sometimes ends up bullying others. These children often respond to being bullied by feeling anxious and aggressive. Without knowing how to handle these feelings, they target other children who they think will not fight back. In extreme situations, children who are bullied may commit suicide or lash out violently against those who bullied them. Several high-profile shootings at schools are thought to be in response to bullying.2, 4 Children who are embarrassed about being bullied may not want to tell their parents or other adults about it. Look for signs of bullying, such as poor sleep, unexplained bruises, frequent crying, and making up excuses not to go to school. Elementary school children who are bullied often say they have a sore throat or a cold, feel sick in the stomach, and/or don't feel like eating.6 What Children Should Do If They Are Bullied It's normal for children to be frightened or angry when other children bully them. But they can discourage attacks by showing confidence and not overreacting. Children should not fight with a bullying child or make verbal insults. This could lead to more aggression and possibly serious injury. Have your child call out for help or find an adult or peer right away if he or she feels unsafe. Children who are bullied online or in text messages should not reply. It is best for them to show the message to an adult and block any more messages from the sender. Remind them to only accept messages from people they know. "Talk, walk, squawk" Experts recommend a catchy expression to help children remember how to handle bullying: "Talk, walk, squawk."4 Talk to the bullying child if it feels safe. Look him or her in the eye and say strongly but calmly, "Leave me alone," or "You don't scare me." Children who are being bullied should not run (even though they may want to). It may strengthen a feeling of power in the bullying child. Walk away from the bullying child or children. After the encounter, children should squawk to adults about the episode. It might help for children to identify an adult at school to tell if incidents occur. The adult should be told that the child will come to him or her if the child is harassed. Children who see another child being harmed also should immediately seek help from an adult.

Children may worry about making other kids angry by telling on them. But exposing the abuse is the only way to stop the problem. A child can ask to remain anonymous when reporting an incident. Girls who are bullied Bullying behavior that is most typical in girls-excluding and shunning-is often subtle. However, it can be devastating to the child who is abused. This type of bullying is very isolating and difficult to manage because the pain it causes is not physical and can be hard to explain to an adult. Gossiping and "backstabbing" are common techniques used by girls who bully in this way. Although there is no easy or foolproof solution, it may help to try some of the following strategies. Recognize the behavior. Trying to ignore it won't make it go away. Help your daughter accept that there is a problem and that you will help her through this difficult time. Help your daughter understand that she is not to blame. Role-play. Practice, practice, practice ways to respond to hurtful comments or actions until they come naturally. Help your child by thinking up different scenarios and different ways to respond in them. Have fun with this-make up absurd or outrageous situations. Also, practice using humor as a way to be assertive. Sometimes saying things like, "Oh, please! You've been watching too many soap operas!" or simply, "I don't need that!" and walking away can stop bullying. This creative thinking can help relieve some of the tension your child feels as well as provide her with some feeling of control. Encourage your daughter to pursue interests in a different environment. Assure her that she will meet friends who value her. Help her look for areas of her life where she feels accepted, likeable, and normal. And help her to find opportunities to develop well-balanced friendships. Talk to school leaders. If the bullying occurs in certain social situations or school activities, sometimes it is just best to remove your daughter from the situation. It is not always in a child's best interest to "stick it out." Often, in fear of causing disappointment, children do not want to tell their parents that this is the solution they prefer. Ask your daughter if she really wants to continue to be in the activity. If the bullying occurs in a general school setting, try to work with teachers and counselors to change her schedule so she is not very often around those who bully her. Stay out of groups who bully others. Sometimes, a child who was shunned before will suddenly be "invited" into or back into a group. Talk with your daughter about the fickle nature of such friendships. Ask her how she would feel if she felt pressured to exclude another person. Help her discover the qualities of long-lasting and true friendships. Let your daughter know you are always there for her. Even though you may not be able to come up with the perfect answer for the problem, you can help your daughter by reminding her that you will always be there to listen and help her think about new ways to handle being bullied. The Role of Schools in Bullying Schools play a critical role in stopping bullying, because most aggression happens on school grounds during recess, in lunch rooms, or in bathrooms. Schools should have and enforce zero-tolerance programs that make it clear that bullying won't be tolerated. School-based programs can help reduce bullying by: Raising awareness of bullying through school assemblies and classroom discussion of the problem. These conversations should include teaching healthy ways to control anger. They should also teach the value of cooperation, positive communication skills, and friendship. Having peers help settle an incident and talk with all students involved.

Increasing parents' and teachers' involvement. Increasing supervision of children on school grounds, especially when they are out of the classroom. Forming clear rules about behavior that will not be tolerated. Providing support and protection for children who are bullied.

You can help your child's school develop bullying policies by becoming involved in parent-teacher organizations (PTO or PTA) and by volunteering to help teachers. In the classroom, teachers should make it clear that bullying will not be tolerated. Teachers must be prepared to follow through with consequences if bullying occurs. Doing so sends the message that adults are serious about the problem. It also encourages children who are not involved in bullying to report any incidents they see. Conferences can be held-separately or together-with the parents of both children involved in bullying incidents. School-based programs are one piece of a larger plan to help children understand the importance of treating one another with kindness and respect. "Bullying" How to Stop It!

Revised by Kathy Bosch, Extension Specialist, Family Life Education John DeFrain, Extension Family and Community Development Specialist

Defensive Strategies

Bullying is a common experience for many children growing up. According to the National Association of School Psychologists, about one in seven school children thats about 5 million kids has been either a bully or a victim. And the costs of this situation are enormous. Children who experience persistent bullying may become depressed or fearful. They may even lose interest in going to school or being involved in church or other activities. What can a parent do? Its important to arm kids against bullies early on to teach them how to avoid being bullied and how to defend themselves when such abuse occurs. Its also important to teach your children not to be bullies. Before you can take steps to protect your child, you need to understand what bullying is and why some kids tend to get picked on more than others. What is bullying? Bullying is defined as any kind of ongoing physical or verbal mistreatment where there is dominance and control usually a bigger, older child picking on a smaller or weaker one. Bullying is a game of usurping control in an attempt to win while the other loses. Another characteristic of bullying is that the assaulted person appears to be very upset by the incident, while the bully is saying things like, Whats the big deal? or The kid asked for it, according to William Porter, author of Bully Proofing Your School. This difference in attitudes distinguishes bullying from more normal childhood conflicts for example, a dispute during a kickball game or a heated argument over whose turn it is on the swings, where both children are equally upset and angry over what happened. Its important for adults not to mistake bullying for normal childhood conflict. Some conflict between kids is expected. Bullying, on the other hand, should not be tolerated. Who gets picked on? Bullies tend to zero in on children who appear vulnerable for some reason. Children who are picked on are usually passive, anxious, sensitive, quiet or stand out in some way: perhaps they are taller or shorter, wear braces, are overweight or have a physical disability. At the same time, youngsters who are provocative and annoying, who seek negative attention from peers, also tend to get picked on. Both passive and aggressive children tend to have few friends, and, therefore, few allies to rally to their defense in a sticky situation.

How to help your child. Realizing that some kids seem doomed to be picked on because of their very nature or physical status, is there any real hope of bully-proofing your child? Yes, you can help your child develop a psychic bully-proof vest to deflect the insults and physical abuse that bullies like to dish out. Its never too early to begin laying this foundation for selfpreservation. Following are steps you can take to help bully-proof your own youngster: Teach self-respect. A confident child is less likely to be assaulted by a bully. How can you help? A pat on the back every once in a while works wonders. Make positive comments. I like the way you picked up your toys without being asked or You did a great job getting yourself dressed this morning, outweigh negative ones. Avoid labeling or name-calling (such as calling a child lazy, for instance) that may make a youngster feel bad and have low selfesteem. Let your children know its OK to express anger or dissatisfaction. Dont chastise or stop your children when they are blowing off steam. Show them you value their opinions even if it means listening to a 4-year-old argue about why a nap is not necessary or a 12-year-old explain why you are a mean parent. Letting your children stand up to you now and then makes it more likely they will stand up to a bully. However, dont allow your children to put you down or call you names. Teach your children to be respectful to you and others while being assertive. Stress the importance of body language. Verbally asserting oneself is not very effective if ones body language tells another story. Teach children to hold themselves confidently, to bolster assertive words by relaxing their bodies (deep breathing helps), keeping hands steady and maintaining frequent eye contact. Bullies tend to gravitate toward kids who are unsure of themselves. These practices will help youngsters seem self-assured, even if they are not. Encourage friendships. Children who are loners tend to be more vulnerable to bullies. Start early to help your children develop friendships and build social skills. By elementary school, it may be more difficult for a shy child to make friends. Perhaps your child needs help in learning how to initiate friendships or join in group activities. If your child has problems fitting in, encourage your child to seek out another youngster whos alone a lot, rather than try to break into a group of two or more children. Its easier to participate in unstructured activities, such as playing on the jungle gym, than to join an organized game in progress. Teach your children to express themselves clearly, yet diplomatically. Help your youngster learn to use I statements. This form of self-expression works for two reasons: first, its indisputable. For example, if your daughter tells a friend, I dont like to play that game anymore, who can argue with her? After all, thats how she feels. Second, the statement is nonjudgmental. Your child is not putting the other youngster on the defensive. When children know how to express themselves without stepping on other peoples toes, they tend to get along better with peers and, as mentioned, having friends is a good way to ward off bullies.

Is your child being bullied? Too often, parents are the last to know their child is in trouble. Remember, bullies work through fear and manipulation. They often intimidate children into silence by threatening to harm them or by labeling them wimps or babies if they tell an adult whats going on. Therefore, its important for parents of school-age children to be on the lookout for signs of bullying. If your son routinely comes home from school extremely hungry, ask him why. Maybe someone is taking his lunch. Does your daughter rush to the bathroom as soon as she gets off the bus? Maybe shes afraid to enter the school bathroom because a child uses this place to threaten or intimidate her. Its a good idea to make it a habit to ask your child whats happening at school, especially if you suspect a problem. Ask pointed questions (Whos the bully in your class? or Who bothers kids on the bus?), particularly if you are unable to be home when your child gets off the school bus. Every day, parents must ask children how their school-day went and how they felt about the days happenings (at school, on the playground, at day care or on the bus). Defensive Strategies What should you do if you discover your child is being bullied? Discussing some of these bully-busting strategies with your youngster may help: Practice self-affirmation. One tactic is called self-talk, or teaching children to give themselves a silent pep talk whenever they are being picked on. For instance, a child could repeat: Even though youre saying those things about me, I know theyre not true. I dont feel that way about myself. Positive self-talk addresses the issue of selfesteem. The better children feel about themselves, the less likely they are to be bullied. Know when to assert oneself. Put the bullies on notice that their actions wont be tolerated. This can be as simple as telling the bully, You cant talk to me like that. Leave me alone. (A word of caution here: Some bullies actually feed on getting a response. Therefore your child should try being assertive once. If it doesnt work, move on to something else or the bullying may escalate. This may be a case for adult involvement.)

Whatever you do, dont encourage your child to fight the bully. Bullies tend to pick on kids who are smaller and weaker. That means your 80-pound child could be duking it out with a 130-pound aggressor. The bully is going to prevail. Such victories only encourage a bully to carry on with abusive behavior. Use humor to deflect an onslaught. Doing or saying something funny or unexpected is another effective means of deflecting a bully. Help your child come up with a silly one-liner (You yellow-bellied school bus) that could throw the bully off balance. It might be enough to make the bully stop. Never let the bully see you sweat. Teach your children not to let a bully see that theyre upset or scared. Anxious children who show emotions easily may be letting the bully know the dominating tactics are working. Help children find ways to display emotions to caring, responsible adults. If possible, children should try to hide feelings from a bully. Avoid bullies when necessary. One of the best ways to avoid bullying is to avoid the bully. Suggest that your children go down a different stairwell or take a new bike route home. However, dont view running away as a longterm solution, since it may only delay the bullying attempts. Rather, it should be looked at in terms of safety a way to avoid immediate harm. Dont be ashamed to ask for help. As a last resort, if the above solutions dont work, encourage your child to report the bullying to a teacher or other responsible adult. There are times when parents must be an advocate for their children. Sometimes bullying is a problem that needs parental involvement and intervention.

Why Does a Child Become a Bully? No one thing in particular turns a child into a bully. However, studies show that the problem is generally triggered by something at home in the youngsters environment. This could include having parents who are overly punitive or verbally or physically abusive. A bully might have been assaulted by a sibling or another child. Children can easily do something hurtful to another person because it was done to them. You can discourage a child from becoming a bully. Heres what to watch out for: Take a look at your parenting practices. Are you a bully at home? Do you frequently criticize your child or demand unquestioning obedience at every turn? Do you use spanking as a punishment? Are you abusive to your partner/spouse? Do you use put-downs or call others demeaning names? Stop and get help. If you send the message to your child that anger, violence and intimidation are ways to get what you want, your child very likely will turn around and use similar tactics on peers. Watch your tone and your message. Its important for parents and caregivers to examine the tone of voice they use when speaking to children. Avoid undue criticism. Children learn by example, and someone who is belittled at home may resort to such tactics when dealing with peers. Teach the art of negotiation. The preschool years are the time to begin to teach children to mediate their own disputes. If your toddler is wrestling a toy from the hands of a playmate, offer an alternative. Parents and caregivers need to watch toddlers closely and intervene when trouble arises. Teach children to negotiate. How do you think we can resolve this problem? If children dont want to share, you could say, Samantha can play with the train and Antonio can play with the truck. Then in 10 minutes you can exchange toys. Parents must set limits. Parents may encourage bullying by being overly permissive. By giving in when a child is obnoxious or demanding, parents send the unintended message that bullying pays off. Children actually feel more secure when they know parents will set limits. Parents must be firm, yet kind, to their children. Set fair rules and follow through with reasonable consequences for misbehavior.

If you discover your child is acting like a tyrant, dont panic. Its important for parents to realize that all kids have the capacity to bully. Heres what to do if its your child whos doing the bullying: Make it clear that bullying will not be tolerated. Although its important to determine why your child is behaving like a bully, emphasize that you wont allow such actions and outline the consequences. If the problem occurs at school, tell your child that you respect the schools right to determine consequences. Tell your children they also are accountable to you for misbehavior or bullying at school, on the playground, at day care or on the bus. Have your child walk in the assaulted childs shoes. Since bullies have trouble empathizing with those they assault, its important to discuss how it feels to be bullied. How would your children feel if it happened to them? Help your children feel successful. Its important to emphasize your childrens good points, so they can start to experience how positive feedback (rather than negative attention) feels. Are your children good with animals? Do they do well in math? Are they proficient at team sports? Put your children in situations where their strengths make them shine. Find opportunities for each child to help others, perhaps by volunteering or helping a teacher after school. Helping others in a positive way increases a childs sense of self-worth.

Although it might be unrealistic to expect that your children will never cross paths with a bully, it is possible to teach them the skills needed to avoid being bullied. Children who feel valued and respected, and have been taught appropriate skills probably fare well when approached by a bully. However, adult supervision and intervention may be necessary.

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Index: Family Life Parenting Revised October, 2003