Bullying and Teasing: No Laughing Matter

Unfortunately, teasing is often part of growing up — almost every child experiences it. But it isn't
always as innocuous as it seems. Words can cause pain. Teasing becomes bullying when it is
repetitive or when there is a conscious intent to hurt another child. It can be verbal bullying (making
threats, name-calling), psychological bullying (excluding children, spreading rumors), or physical
bullying (hitting, pushing, taking a child's possessions).

How Bullying Starts

Bullying behavior is prevalent throughout the world and it cuts across socio-economic, racial/ethnic,
and cultural lines. Researchers estimate that 20 to 30 percent of school-age children are involved in
bullying incidents, as either perpetrators or victims. Bullying can begin as early as preschool and
intensify during transitional stages, such as starting school in 1st grade or going into middle school.

Victims of bullying are often shy and tend to be physically weaker than their peers. They may also
have low self-esteem and poor social skills, which makes it hard for them to stand up for themselves.
Bullies consider these children safe targets because they usually don't retaliate.

Effects of Bullying

If your child is the victim of bullying, he may suffer physically and emotionally, and his schoolwork
will likely show it. Grades drop because, instead of listening to the teacher, kids are wondering what
they did wrong and whether anyone will sit with them at lunch. If bullying persists, they may be
afraid to go to school. Problems with low self-esteem and depression can last into adulthood and
interfere with personal and professional lives.

Bullies are affected too, even into adulthood; they may have difficulty forming positive relationships.
They are more apt to use tobacco and alcohol, and to be abusive spouses. Some studies have even
found a correlation with later criminal activities.

Warning Signs

If you're concerned that your child is a victim of teasing or bullying, look for these signs of stress:

Increased passivity or withdrawal

Frequent crying

Recurrent complaints of physical symptoms such as stomach-aches or headaches with no apparent

Unexplained bruises

Sudden drop in grades or other learning problems

Not wanting to go to school

Significant changes in social life — suddenly no one is calling or extending invitations

Sudden change in the way your child talks — calling herself a loser, or a former friend a jerk

How to Help
First, give your child space to talk. If she recounts incidences of teasing or bullying, be empathetic. If
your child has trouble verbalizing her feelings, read a story about children being teased or bullied.
You can also use puppets, dolls, or stuffed animals to encourage a young child to act out problems.

Once you've opened the door, help your child begin to problem-solve. Role-play situations and teach
your child ways to respond. You might also need to help your child find a way to move on by
encouraging her to reach out and make new friends. She might join teams and school clubs to widen
her circle.

At home and on the playground:

Adults need to intervene to help children resolve bullying issues, but calling another parent directly
can be tricky unless he or she is a close friend. It is easy to find yourself in a "he said/she said"
argument. Try to find an intermediary: even if the bullying occurs outside of school, a teacher,
counselor, coach, or after-school program director may be able to help mediate a productive
discussion.

If you do find yourself talking directly to the other parent, try to do it in person rather than over the
phone. Don't begin with an angry recounting of the other child's offenses. Set the stage for a
collaborative approach by suggesting going to the playground, or walking the children to school
together, to observe interactions and jointly express disapproval for any unacceptable behavior.

At school:

Many schools (sometimes as part of a statewide effort) have programs especially designed to raise
awareness of bullying behavior and to help parents and teachers deal effectively with it. Check with
your local school district to see if it has such a program.

Schools and parents can work effectively behind the scenes to help a child meet and make new
friends via study groups or science-lab partnerships. If you are concerned about your child:

Share with the teacher what your child has told you; describe any teasing or bullying you may have
witnessed.

Ask the teacher if she sees similar behavior at school, and enlist her help in finding ways to solve the
problem.

If she hasn't seen any instances of teasing, ask that she keep an eye out for the behavior you
described.

If the teacher says your child is being teased, find out whether there are any things he may be doing
in class to attract teasing. Ask how he responds to the teasing, and discuss helping him develop a
more effective response.

After the initial conversation, be sure to make a follow-up appointment to discuss how things are
going.

If the problem persists, or the teacher ignores your concerns, and your child starts to withdraw or
not want to go to school, consider the possibility of "therapeutic intervention." Ask to meet with the
school counselor or psychologist, or request a referral to the appropriate school professional.
 ARTICLE 2

Something is missing from the recent news stories focusing on bullying in our schools, teen suicide,
and the words of support spoken by celebrities, politicians, and athletes in the It Gets Better (link is
external) campaign.

A definition of ‘bullying’.

Partly, I think that’s because – like many psychological constructs – people think they know bullying
when they see it. Just as we naturally judge those around us as intelligent or insecure or we judge
ourselves to be in love or angry, the meaning of what it means to be bullied seems – and more
importantly, feels - obvious. It hurts.*

However, if one is studying bullying as a scientific psychologist, bullying needs to be defined clearly
so we can distinguish between different types of bullying – physical v. emotional, for example – track
how it changes over time, and learn more about who is likely to be victimized, who is likely to bully,
how to protect victims, and how to stop perpetrators. Sometimes the precision that scientists try to
bring to emotional or social phenomenon may seem misplaced. But it’s important. Without a clear
definition, the many assertions that bullying is becoming more pervasive, that girls are becoming
meaner and more likely to bully, or that the internet is making things worse simply can’t be
evaluated.

Bullying v. Teasing

One basic distinction often made in the literature on peer-on-peer aggression is between bullying
and teasing. Bullying is an overt act of aggression, whose intention is to harm the victim.
Motivations for bullying vary, from the nasty pleasure of asserting power over someone who is
weaker or helpless to trying to increase one’s own status. The literature on bullying makes three
things clear.

First, a minority of adolescents overtly bully others – it isn’t something that most kids do. Too many
kids, yes (estimates vary by method and context). Most kids, no.

Second, many bullies are low status and both bully others and are victimized themselves.

Third, and probably most disturbingly, most kids will stand by and watch a bully harass and hurt one
of their peers without stepping in and stopping it. Moreover, they often make it worse by acting as
an audience – or even laughing. All the estimates I have read that say that almost 75% of all children
“bully” have classified kids who watch or laugh when someone else hurts a peer as being the same
as perpetrators.

Teasing, as the word is usually used by people who study peer interactions, is different from
bullying, at least from the perspective of the perpetrator.

Let me say that again. FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF THE PERPETRATOR and of an outside observer,
teasing is different from bullying. From the perspective of the victim, this distinction may be
unimportant. Teasing can also turn into bullying. But the distinction between bullying and teasing is
important, because the way teasing and the way bullying work socially are very different.

If we want to understand peer-on-peer aggression, it’s important to keep that distinction clear. Two
keep facts:
Teasing is an AMBIGUOUS social exchange that can be friendly, neutral, or negative.

How a teasing interchange proceeds really depends upon how the person BEING TEASED reacts. For
example, if a girl walks into the cafeteria with a boy and a classmate says “OOO! Carmen’s got a
BOYfriend!”, it’s probably teasing.

Carmen could smile, laugh, and say it’s true. Then it might turn into a cheerful discussion.

She could blush and deny it, it which case the other girls might laugh and more teasing might ensue
or it could be dropped.

Or she could get angry and treat the remark as if it were hostile, in which case the next remark
would almost definitely be more overtly hostile and negative.

Or, Carmen might just laugh, shake her head, ask the teaser if she’s jealous, and never address the
question at all.

Bullying doesn’t work that way. Because the intention of bullying – including verbal harassment or
aggression – is to hurt the victim, their reaction doesn’t determine the meaning of the bully’s action.
It is overtly hostile and almost nothing the victim does will change that.

The meaning of teasing depends on how the person being teased responds. If the teased laughs, it’s
a joke. If they take it seriously, it’s serious. If they take it as an insult, it is and the next interaction
proceeds accordingly. Even youth who are often targeted by their peers – like students with
developmental disabilities – are less likely to be teased or bullied over time if they respond to
teasing as if it were a joke.

Think of your classic Clint Eastwood movie, where he comes into a bar and one of the locals makes
an aggressive statement disguised as a ‘funny’ remark. Clint responds AS IF the remark were a joke
(i.e., as if he is being teased, not threatened). If the onlookers laugh, the aggressor can either back
down and act as if he was joking (i.e., teasing) or he can turn the exchange into a straight
confrontation by making another overtly aggressive remark. Failing to accept Clint’s suggestion that
the meaning of the initial remark was not serious (i.e., accept Clint’s interpretation of the remark as
teasing and non-aggressive) turns what Clint is saying is teasing into an attempt to bully. The
interpretation of bullying is unambiguously hostile and will be treated as a challenge.

In Back To the Future, you see an even more unambiguous example. Michael J. Fox plays the hero,
Marty McFly, who travels to the past and meets his parents when they were in high school. In one
painful exchange in the town malt shop, Marty’s father (George McFly) tries to treat an overt act of
bullying by the villain, Biff, as if it were a joke (i.e., as if it were a non-hostile exchange – teasing).
Biff’s refusal to accept George’s interpretation is what makes you know that George is being
victimized. The insults are not jokes. George is being insulted and abused. One of the high points of
the movie is when George finally stands up to the bully.

That malt shop scene, where George tries to pass off insults as a joke and Biff refuses to let him, is
important in the movie's plot. A hallmark of male-to-male adolescent friendship is the ability to
exchange insults (i.e. to tease) without either person taking offense or getting mad. George McFly is
trying to show that he and Biff are friends by not taking offense and passing threats off as a joke.
Biff doesn’t let him, showing they AREN’T friends and that he is the person in control. Biff’s a bully –
this is not an ambiguous exchange.
Boys and GirlsClassic observational research by Ritch Savin-Williams and by Donna Eder suggests
that teasing tends to work differently for adolescent boys and girls. Among boys, teasing tends to
establish a fairly strict and stable hierarchy – who’s one top, who gets listened to, who makes
decisions. Teasing includes small insults, physical bumps and pushes, and minor insults. When a
new group of boys meets – as when everyone gets assigned to a new gym class or camp cabin –
teasing is intense. Physical size, pubertal status, verbal ability, and attractiveness all determine who
is on top in the status hierarchy. Interestingly, being liked isn’t the same as having high status. Lots
of boys who other kids like never get listened to and are often the butt of jokes. And those low
status boys get reminded of their place in the pecking order A LOT in the first few days. Teasing is
intense. On the other hand, things establish themselves quickly – in just a few days – and, as soon as
they do, the teasing drops down to a low, stable level.

It doesn’t work that way for girls. Girls’ status hierarchies are much more unstable that are boys’.
Girls tend to form triarchic friendships, which change, and thus who is on top changes as well. In
addition to teasing, slights, and petty remarks, girls’ status hierarchies are established by asking
favors – high status girls impose on lower status ones – and giving compliments – low status girls
compliment higher status ones. Girls aggression is typically less physical and more subtle – sneaky –
than the aggression of boys.

Boys attack when the person teased shows weakness.

Teasing functions differently as well. Boys tease to establish a hierarchy. And boys can be brutal. A
boy is teased about his pants being too short. He responds with a laugh and it’s over. The ability of
boys to exchange insults and tease each other with no one getting mad is a critical sign that boys are
real friends. But if the person teased responds by getting angry and looking upset, and the other
boy will intensify the attack immediately. The more upset he gets, the more and the harsher the
teasing. The ‘teaser’ wins when the boy being teased loses his temper or loses his cool. And if it
happens chronically, this can absolutely turn into harassment and bullying.

Girls diffuse tension within the clique. "Just teasing."

Girls tease to establish and enforce social norms. ‘Your pants are too short.’ ‘Ooo, you decided to
dress as a slut for Halloween?’ ‘Was there a wind tunnel in the hallway or did you decide to go for
that just rolled out of bed look?’ The message is clear – you aren’t acting the way you’re supposed
to. As with boys, a laugh or a rueful acknowledgement will probably let the topic drop (if it really is
teasing and not straight aggression). But, unlike boys, in typical female-on-female teasing, getting
upset doesn’t usually intensify teasing. If the girl being teased looks obviously upset the cutting
remark, the typical response is that most hated of remarks.

“Just teasing!”

What does ‘just teasing’ mean? It was all a joke. I didn’t mean to hurt you. It might be true, but . . .
In other words, this isn’t serious and I don't really hate you.

Because girls’ hierarchy’s tend to be much more unstable than the hierarchy or boys, high status
girls will often damp down teasing of other girls WITHIN THE SAME CLIQUE. Why? Because if
someone gets upset, the power dynamics within the clique might change, and the high status girl
may find herself in the middle – even at the bottom – of the new order.
What this means is that girls tend to experience a constant, lower level of teasing. Unlike teasing
among boys, which starts high and then drops, teasing among girls starts mid-range and just stays
there.

Choose your poison.