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    Mad 110

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    Lucho
    Revista MAD nro 110

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    Mad 110

    Uploaded by

    Lucho
    323 views52 pages
    Revista MAD nro 110

    Original Title

    MAD 110

    Copyright

    © © All Rights Reserved

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    PDF or read online from Scribd

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    Revista MAD nro 110

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
    Download as pdf
    323 views52 pages

    Mad 110

    Uploaded by

    Lucho
    Revista MAD nro 110

    Copyright:

    © All Rights Reserved
    Download as PDF or read online from Scribd
    Download as pdf
    of 52
    30: CHEAP IN April'67 No.110 FIRST CAME NEXT CAME THEN CAME ‘WHICH WAS ‘SUPER, MAN! WHICH DROVE ROBIN’ US USBATS, MAN! OF OUR SANITY! Um LSU TAKES THE CAPE! DON MARTINS THE MAD ADVENTURES OF CAPT. KLUTZ a satirical look through the trap-door of the current “Underwear Character” craze! ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTAND—OR YOURS BY MAIL FOR 50c IRVRID NAME ADDRESS. 485 MADison Avenue, cITy. New York, N. Y. 10022 STATE ===: USE COUPON oR DUPLICATE -. Zip-Code. CO Please Send Me “DON MARTIN'S THE MAD ADVENTURES OF CAPT. KLUTZ.” | Enclose 50c. Also Please Send Me: 1 The MAD Reader The Organization MAD) Greasy MAD Stuf 5 Thee Ring MAD (F Selfttade waD TE] The MAD Sampler (Ey Worl, Word, ot. ma AD in Orit Raving MAD 5 solling MAD MAD Stes Back © Like MAD © Inside MA ) iter MAD © Fiating a 1 The Brothers MAD The MAD Frontier 5 The Beside MAD 15 Son of MAD 15 The Voodoo MAD I Enclose 50c For Each! 1D OON MARTIN steps Out 5 OON MARTIN Bounces Back 5 DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories 5) DAVE BERG Looks At The USA i DAVE BERG Looks At People 5 The AllNew SPY vs. SPY [5h AAO Look at Ola Movies NUMBER 110 APRIL 1967 ‘Most of us don’t know exactly what we want, but we're pretty sure we don’t have it!”—Alfred E, Neuman WILLIAM M, GAINES publisher ALBERT B, FELDSTEIN editor JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD mxENNER production J}aRY OR HUCEIO, McK MEGLIN atociate editors LONIA OMLANDO, CELIA MORELAE, RICHARD GRILL subieriptions| sual gang of idiots DEPARTMENTS ANIMAL CRACK-UPS DEPARTMENT MAD Zoo-Lulus r . ee BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT _ The Lighter Side Of Camera Bugs 26 BOFFO NOVA DEPARTMENT Mest Ziraldo~A Brazilian Nut 36 COMIC RELIEF DEPARTMENT Yellow Pages For Super Heroes 38 DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT ‘One Day In A Hospital... 2. .2+++ at -10 A Quick Stroll a2 HI, JINX! DEPARTMENT What Is A Born Loser? ced INSIDE JOKE DEPARTMENT Fantastecch Voyage (A MAD Movie Satire) 43 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Spy Vs. Spy wo 21,30 LETTERS DEPARTMENT Random Samplings Of Reader Mail ....... 2 MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Drawn-Out Dramas—by Sergio Aragones OBIT PLAYER DEPARTMENT The Life Of Your Run (A MAD TV Satire) . encase) SNOW LAUGHING MATTER DEPARTMENT Winter Sports Foto-Plays ..... eevee ‘THE 8008 IN CHARGE OF THE TUBE DEPARTMENT MAD's TV Network President Of The Year .... sees TUNING FORK DEPARTMENT ‘Songs Of Food ... Ber eer ented) VEX EDUCATION DEPARTMENT The MAD Hate Book 4 WILD PITCHES DEPARTMENT ‘Ads We'd Like To See 8 **Various Places Around The Magazine VITAL FEATURES ‘THE LIFE OF YOUR RUN (MAD. ‘TW SATIRE) Pg. 15 WHAT IS A BORN LOSER? ‘THE LIGHTER SIDE OF CAMERA BUGS Pg. 28 FANTASTECCH VOYAGE (AMAD. MOVIE SATIRE) Pg. 43 TELEPHONE SOLICITORS ly Al Jaffe has created wha can only be termed as the best satirical masterpiece ever. His play on "Telephone Solicitors was superb. Although ie was presented in 1 light-hearted manner, his message about the cheap tactics used by those so-called salesmen” got through with shattering force Gary D. DeMarce Muncie, Ind ‘Your satire on “Telephone Solicitors” was the mort sadistic and biting atack on those crooks that I have ever read, I'm proud of you! David DiCasa Woodside, N. ¥. ‘A WELCOME CHANGE Congratulations on your new writer, Max Brandel. His photographic articles are both original and extremely enterean- ing. Besides, they're a. welcome change from the usual junk you print, Daniel Schechter Brooklya, N. Y. GIFTS FOR FINKS ‘Your "MAD Shopping Guide ro Gifts For Finks” was very helpful. I've been looking for a way to get back at some of my "Fink’ friends, You've helped me find je I'm going to give ther each a subscrip- ‘on 0 your magazine! ‘Cliff Sprague Gastro Valley, Calif WELLROUNDED MAD GIRL Jor only has MAD given me an in- nite number of laughs and a priceles mount of enjoyment, but it has also Jeiven me a fuller understanding of our Iife and times. Thank you for making me 4 litte better and more rourided person. ‘George Goodill [New Orleans, La WHAT IS A BMO.C.? ‘What Is A BMOC?” was fantas- tically funny, T had dey my eves after laughing so hard at thac one ‘Laied Sasser Springfield, Minn, COURAGEOUS MAD PUBLISHER William M, Gaines, Publisher, should ‘get a medal for bravery. Mainly for hav- ing the courage to release the Jenuary Bram Rubiastein Brooklya, N.Y. HOKUM'S HEROES—CON You ceally fell on your face with Hokum's Heroes". The last page of the satire was the most disgusting and taste Ics that T've ever read in your magazine. Sylvia Mars Osseo, Minn, Granted, the television show is obnox- fous and vulgar—but you are still not ex ‘cased for sinking to even lower depths. You have peinted a thing cruly oflensive, ‘50 matter how noble your motives might have been~and I am embarrassed. Frances T. Glazer Chicago, i What 9 typical sweet Look at the way he pops: Look at how fhe shakes his jolly fat belly! To say that the concluding page of Hokum's Heroes" was in extremely poor taste is a gigantic Understatement. How even the most depraved mind could find hhumor in a Nasi Death Camp is beyond my comprehension. Your magizine bas fone far beyond the bounds of satice in resenting that heartless "Hochman’s Heroes’ Mrs, Leonard Flaxonan Roselle Il ‘The intent of "Hokum's Heroes" came through, but was it necessary to overstep the bounds of propriety in your effort co expand the theme, Mose eragic of all is the realization that the plight of so many has been reflected in a humorous light. Judith King Ease Meadow, N.Y. 1c was astute of you co point our the ridiculousness of a program such as “Hogan's Heroes’, yet I feel that you did the very thing you' sought to ridicule, Any attempt to make places like Bucheawald funny can only fail dismally, even if itis for the purpose of irony ‘Joan Gott Sacremento, Calif HOKUM'S HEROES—PRO You really got your point across_in ‘Hokum's Heroet"—if a TV comedy series about Allied airmen in a German Pris- ner of War Camp could be funny—a program about Jewish people in a Nazi ‘Death Camp could be even funnier Vern Pacgere Rialto, California ‘The fac shat someone could even con- sider that a Nazi P.O.W. Camp was some- thing akin to Disneyland disgusts me. Congratulations to Larry Siegel and Jack Davis on a magnificent piece of satire Terry Allen Queen's University ‘Kingston, Ont Congrats on “Hokum's Heros i your Jan. issue, Memories seem to be geting horer all the ime. ¢ won't be long be- fore they have a comedy series on our Gis in Viernam prison camps. After all those Viet Cong fellows are prety any = Don LaMonica Cromwell, Conn “The humor of German P.O.W. Camps is surely lost on those of us who were pet- sonally’ affected by the Nazis and their fatrocites. I am shocked by the public Apathy ‘which allows such tasteless pro- rams to continue, Your expression of ‘disgust was well taken, Judith Nelson Feezell Montclair, Calif, ‘Congratulations on "Hokum's Heroes ‘When the program was frst publicized, prior 10 ies appearance on TV, I could ‘hot believe than anybody would be seupid enough © produce a comedy” about Nazi "Camp". Apparendy, 1 was wrong. Mrs. Dorothy Applebaum Statéa Island, N. Y, ‘Thanks co your article, pechaps the American TV viewing public will wake ‘up and see just what they are laughing at. ‘Many of us bave loved ones in Vietnam. Let's hope they're not the subject for a future TV Situation Comedy ‘Marion G, Upton Rio Dell, California helieve chat 1am justified in assuming thae much debate went on as to whether "Hokum's Heros” should be printed, 0 view of any possible offense. In my opin- fon, you made the cocrect choice. Un- fortunately, the fools who watch this tasteless television show will be just the ‘ones who will miss the teal poine of your Steve Arcone MIT. Boston, Mass THE SOUND OF MONEY The Sound Of Money” was a long. time coming, but still greatly appreciated. My eternal gratitude for showing up that nauseating, tasteless collection of drivel PEC Ray Kaneyama Defense Language last. Presidio of Monterey, Calif Your satire, “The Sound of Money was totally uncalled for. Here was one of the best motion pictures ever produce, and you made it look like its only goal ‘was to make money Edward Moses Philadelphia, Pa. One of the beSt Satires you've ever publiShed. My congratulation$ to Stan Hare and More Drucker on a fabulou$ piece of work, Danny Young, Tos Angeles, Calif If this movie is as corny a8 you seem to think, then itis very evidenr thar many, many people like ehtt kind of "corn Meliods Hawkins Forest Park, Ga, all of your previous ind Of Money”. By far, chi is che “highest note” the “staf?” of MAD has "composed Marty McEvoy Se-Louis, Mo, Shame on you for teasing apart “The Sound of Music"! I's about time Holly wood turned out such a clean-cut, heart- Warming movie. I'm sorry for you guys who cane tell a good pictare from a bad Sylvia Al-Haik Seaside, Calif Beautiful! Indeed, without the Alps and the music, "The Sound Of Music ‘was nothing more chan a Viennese Soap Oper! William Barret Western Michigan U. Kalamazoo, Mich know that you will receive abou wo aillion "pan" leters on your satire of the film, "The Sound of Music’, but I must say this is by far the best ching you have ‘ever done. You have shown. and a high degree of intelligence by at tacking @ picture which was obviously tailored to the base tastes of che mast movie audience Dale Winogura Los Angeles, Ca Pleare addres all correspondence for MAD, Dept. 110, 485 MADison Avenue yw York City, New York 10022 Some Folding Money Will Guarantee You A WHALE Of A Good Time! ‘Origen by Bog0) Photography by Ivng Geils SUBSCRIBE TO and stop that blubber-ing about missing your copy at the newsstand! use coupon or duplicate NAME. - 408 MADIson Avenue, ‘New York, N. ¥. 10022 ADDRESS. {enclose $5.00. Enter my name on CITY” Your subsepten let and mall me STATE {he next 21 fssues of MAD Magazine 2 i Send 28 for ene (S0e for 3) te MAD, 485 MADson Avenue, New York, New York 10022 VEX EDUCATION DEPT. Everyone has his “Pet Hate”—and that's good. Blowing off steam about your pet hate makes you feel better. And since MAD's purpose is to make everyone feel Don't You Hate... clerks who go to lunch just Don’t You Hate... a date who orders the most expensive items ‘as you reach their window! on the menu, and then hardly eats anything! Fae Don't You Hate ... restaurant workers who are so dedicated Don’t You Hate .... retards who play their Hi-Fi to their jobs they even come in when they're sick! sets at concert hall pitch! i Don’t You Hate... meatheads who let other people in ahead of themvon a line! wonderful, we've decided to present a whole collection of pet hates, Now you car blow off steam about more than one, namely any that strike your fancy from . HATE BOOK Don’t You Hate... finding carefully hidden chewing gum! Don't You Hate... talkative barbe; Don't You Hate... cretins who play brilliant phone games = # like talking asking stupid questions, or Don’t You Hate ... teachers who catch only you laughing, or s g,et.,and then hanging up! when everyone else is misbehaving! Don't You Hate ... people who find humor in Don't You Hate... . people who can't see the humor of finding the misfortunes of others! humor in the misfortunes of others! Don’t You Hate... turning downa blind date, and then finding out she looked like Ursula Andress! n> RE a Su eaty Don’t You Hate. .. parents who don't supervise ho signal a left illemannered brats in restaurants! and then make a right turn! & Finding lipstick smears on your glass, and it’s not your color! people who get sick to their stomach in crowded places! Don’t You Hate... . dentists with hairy arms! Don’t You Hate that printaarticies like this! WE'D & Li KE ..and Pilebay says it hae r TO Let Hertz put you in the driver’s seat Old Grand: Dad “Come ty the UN X Head of the Bourbon Family eieracesanen ame KEEP AMERICA BEAUTIFUL @ PUT ATIGER IN YOUR TANK! America's Leading Energy Company Investor-Owned Electric Light and Power Companies japanccacée MORE THAN 300 COMPANIES ACROSS THE NATION Goud edeskeoping PAN-AMERICAN AIRWAYS ape rin Ss World's most experienced airline et = ° DON MARTIN DEPT. PART 1 ONE DAY IN ka rf A & & Ne 2 ie a ‘TUNING FORK DEPT. Nearly all Popular Songs these days are written about “love”. . . falling in love, falling out of love, two-faced love, lost love, unrequited love, etc. But love is only a small part of our lives. What's really important is food! Not only does eating food take up a great deal of our time, but it’s also absolutely vital to our sur- vival. After all, you can’t live on love alone! SONGS OF THE DELICATESSEN CANTATA Sung to the tune of “Hel Hello, Delly! This is Joe, Delly! Would you please send up a ce comed beet on rye! A box of Ritz, Delly! ‘And some Schlitz, Delly! Some chopped liver and a sliver of your apple pie! potatoes you french-fry! Oh don't be late, Delly! 1 | can’t wait, D ARTIST: PAUL COKER, JR. THE HOT PIZZA SERENADE Sung to the tune of Fs A Small Hote!” 1 gotit when | ate Hot Pizza There's glo On my a I gotit wi Hot Pizza Fach time that leatit Tam dripping Mozzerella! | need an umbrella Re Sloppy fella When my clothes have spots + Thick as polka dots, {scrape the ae From my collar, shirt and cuff, And know I've had enough Hot Pizza! THE AIRLINE ANTHEM In flight! In fight! ey serve great food in flight! The sirloins are so tasty and rare! Vim white With frigh From tying to hold down every bite Ins flight! You gotta eat once in a while! Well, with this startling new thought in mind, MAD proudly glorifies this essential area in our lives with a collection of stirring and succulent... FOOD WRITER: FRANK JACOBS THE MEAT-EATER’S LAMENT When you eat mea But hate the meat that you'ee eating n you've surely got Round! It's s0 unnerving When they're constantly serving spot Ground Re Itmay be called a Chopped Steak, a Salisbury, or Beef Patty No matter what it over-cooked and f What can you do? ed, i's always Sound off to your waiter there: ‘And loudly pound on your table, stand up on And shout Ground Round! Pied on my plate | see Ground Round! Always you're conning me! Ground Round! ‘Why must italways be ‘Ground Round! ‘Ground Round! ‘Ground Round SR ep ea THE CHINESE RESTAURANT CHANTY There's a bright golden glaze on the Egg-Roll! | here's a bright golden glaze on the Egg-Roll! * The hot Egg Foo Yu Really pleases the tongue he tea’s in the pot nd our waiter's named Chu Q (Oh, what a glorious dinner 7 ‘Oh, what great Moo Goo Gai Pan! Thanks tot All the Noodles All the Noodl We're feel ‘Cause 0 ‘ontain A big double portion of Sub Gum Chow A red with Soy red with ‘Oh, what a glorious dinner’ Weill fill our bellies, and then One hour after we've eat-en We'll all be hungry THE HEALTH FOOD HYMN Sung tothe tune of “Pm In The Mood F ‘Though | hate all the dishes. I’m eating food for health! Spinach and eggplant soup! ks that are made of hit down... with cabbage juice! Blackstrap molasses pie! Yoghurt on rhubarb shredded! I Though they'¢e all foods I've dreaded: ’m eating food for health! a THE SONG OF WINE-LOVERS Hello, wine-lovers, whoever you are! ) Thope your cellars are stocked! Suavely you sip in your elegant style— While you get suavely crocked! Be sure, wine-lovers, whatever you do Be sure your wine is well-racked! Smoothly inspect both the label and year ‘While you get smoothly swacked! You always show class When you're sipping a glass Of imported sauternes that you've poured! You look so genteel While you neatly c That you're smashe sal ind drunk as a lord! whatever you do! eware your vice isn’t known! Letall the clods drink the booze and the beer! You'll have a buzz of your own! You'll have a buzz of your own on wine! You'll have a buzz of your own! THE BAD BREATH BALLAD Sug to the tune ol “Moon River”) Chopped liver! ‘Onions on the side! My social life has died From you! My friends shun me! They out-run me! The smell of my breath is slow death Sad but true! Your odor's— Twice as bad as beer! ‘And people who drink beer Agree! 1... know... that... yoursmell Will not endi Always I'll offend! My halitosis friend! Chopped liver In me! a THE ICE CREAM PAI Every day is really a fun d When | eat a big gooey sundae When | eat a big gooey sundae With the nuts on top’ Cara-mel sauce all gluey and gummy! y cthatdepmmytummy — OE wana § A cherry’s asitin’ on a pineapple slice! The marshmallow syrup’s al sticky! The strawberry mixin’ with the fudge real nice Which may be why I'm feelin’ icky! ‘Though my figure’s taking a beating ‘am this glob of goo that I'm eating: ‘Cause I just can’t Eating all those i With the nuts or THE BALLAD OF THE BULGE I'm yeeck again! A wreck again! My belly is bloated to heck Distressed, dreary and dyspeptic Amit Subdued By food I'm in that furshlugginer mood ag Distressed, dreary and dysp Am can say why I'm dismal If the question were posed There's no more Pepto-Bisma And every drug-store’s clo No glee ag art inme again! Mystomach i Distressed, di Amit 2s like World War Ill again! ry and dyspeptic / 3 BIT PLAYER DEPT. aS HERE’S MAD‘S VERSION OF THE POPULAR TV SERIES THAT STARTS OFF EACH WEEK LIKE THIS: | You have at least ‘Well, Keep in touch! nine months fet |_| Does my health T guess 'iltty tojam || Modern Science is i. Berhaps as report look | | Thisis H] adyears oftivinginte || always coming up THAT bas twentysix one-hour shows| | Wi miFaces to ete opefully thirty-nine! [| doomed people celta litte extra time — like “Summer Repeats’! ye V THis LiFe OF YOUR: RUN ~My name is Pall Dyin, and I want to goto the Mardi Gras in New Orleans... === [S| the Foreign Film Festival in Cannes... the Grand Prix Auto Races in Monte | [Wat's Carlo... and the Scuba Divers’ Convention in Tibet! Then, later on this || your | afternoon, | want to go to the Bullfights in Madrid... the Cockfights in Haiti the Hadassah Meeting in Sheepshead Bay and the “THE SADNESS OF A LONELY TIME IS NOTHING LIKE TONIGHT’S EPISODE: ‘Ti: LONELINESS OF A SAD TIME--CHA-CHA-CHA” meant to ask {can't help noticing things like was a lawyer | always notice I details Like the minute I met y immediately suspected three things - that you were in trouble—that you we Jearrying a gun—and that you werea git slipisa le pink They wouldn't have} believed my story! ‘A fow months ago, | was Introduced to the jolliest man Ta ever met. He was always. Fa laughing and bringing me presents! He was older than T.with white hair and beard Maa but | loved him, and wanted to marry him! No... but he was a Saint! Infact, his name was Nick—Nick Maudlin! Anyway, the ‘day before we wore to be married, | heard rumors that he was seeing another woman. |. Ina fit of jeslousy,| bought this gun and Ye Yes, | will _| tealy help | yout | || My lips are L | wi turning numb (7 Ler's get a 1 dunno! My going! Time| Pall... now can || 1 charge everything to my Diner's waten doesn’t you keep traveling |) "Club eard. Then, when the bill istying! || "a | | have an hour ‘around the wortd || comes, | putit on my Ame wsa. || quarter| | hand! quarter to!|| "to Blanche card. I've got enough Credit Cards to last me eighteen ‘months or more! But | have ime now! iy yi I, you're HALF right! But enough about ‘he end of {| me! While we're spending the next two quiet Plenty! | heard that he lost hours together, you can give me al the several houses and a hotel he [J details about your exlover, Chris Kringle! jf ‘once owned... and that he {\ ‘owed someone a milion dollars ‘Al \\ [bia Nix [Not ONE! But \ | have any all his friends despised him! s chy thing | just happen to have a copy of the Yellow Pages with me. Jeers se HOB (Here itis... Mr. Amos Bie! {think Ili waterski over’ | [Please be careful, Pall Pall! Why do | tere and pay hima visit! | |He's a dangerous mant ay He's a danger it's violence! He pulled a gun on me! If there's one thing | can't stand, Who are you? What right | doyou have | todo that? Th) LIN iz | | onay, wise Deu... you - asked fori ont a GUN! Wei Let's see you pull the trigger! Will, e'mont Pull the trigger, | wll you"? My nails are growing | Toner just wating here. | | istics think youre Paeduatat] ues ite enere cereal osinent ‘ra soutot | ("sr pag cue” i ame was Me Se yen promised ot | fl gou'nerer fg MAUDLN, te” Ue nen eas Reaiconr este. ort] You sso much oem ‘talking about! PHEW! my Okay... | Herel = Letine| [ stop STOP ITt can’to it! Hair) | turn sround help’ | | the fun ofkiling ie seeing the victim | | 20 you can | you || squirm! You're 2 kilkjoy! You just || shoot mein | pullit | | face the gun and don’t blink an eye! {| the back! Toh i ary That's all | Let's go, Mr you to jail! wanted to know! | |) Bie I'm taking ‘Jail? JAIL Nobody puts (ME in jail il the first Oh, we're going to Okay, folks! Say 1 go! rH got lay that silly, "Bye-Bye" to me! fam il go quietly! ‘game azain! Tmaboutto be You've killed ing” for met ‘uy that tries! WW ‘murdered « . it quickly! Becau: | blown five minutes of our a, eam [ase Toc Took, Pal ‘back! I'll make LU Instant ir LI ‘Thirty-Second u tc Li Vm running | / neoed wi] |e [ee E wie © | MRAANSSEN SUIT FS ee A JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PARTI ANIMAL CRACK-UPS DI 3 “APORTFOUO MAD) SHARK P\S/RCUPINE SS TUCKKEY oP es a 5 : RUFFE nail DACKASHUND HOOT OWL ¥ ae aahb 5 ad = | iil — CQw HI, JINX! DEPT, WHAT ISA ETWEEN THE TIME you first toddle across a Nursery, and the time you last stumble into a Nursing Home, you are certain to step on a low form of, Human Life called a “Born Loser.” It's unavoidable. Born Losers are always underfoot, waiting to get hit on the head by every misfortune the rest of the world drops. it's useless, because Born Losers are born to lose, and they merely trans- form those who attempt to do something about it into Losers themselves. Born Losers drive their Psychiatrists into psychoses, their Employment Coun- selors into unemployment, and their Driving Instructors into ambulances head-on! S™ PEOPLE WASTE years trying to help Born Losers change their luck. But a confused puppy, and gets a ticket for jaywalking. He’s the one whose car horn gets stuck just as he’s beginning to make out in a drive-in movie. He’s the 999,999th fan to buy a ticket at the ball park on the day the one-millionth wins a Buick... and the 10,001st to getiin line the day 10,000 World Series tickets EY g0 on sale, I: EASY TO SPOT a Born Loser. He’s the one who rushes into traffic to rescue the Republican Congressional candidate in Lyndon Johnson's home dis- trict. Somebody has to pitch for the Chicago Cubs. And somebody has to g0 to Frank Sinatra’s hotel room and tell him the other guests are complaining about the noise. Ses AS IT SEEMS, the world needs Born Losers. Somebody has to be immediately demolished by flash-floods. Born Losers never hear prowlers ransacking their living rooms because they're making too much racket upstairs installing burglar alarms. Born Losers starve themselves into malnuti- tion in order to afford the premiums on Health Insurance Policies that cover every illness but malnutrition. B= LOSERS TRADE drought-stricken farms for houses in towns that are ORN LOSER? WRITER: TOM KOCH good fortune. They're lucky enough to get Bob Dylan’s autograph . .. and then unlucky enough to drop it in a mud-puddle. They're lucky enough to work for a company with a generous retirement program...and unlucky enough to have the company go bankrupt the week before they turn 65. They're lucky enough to win a Summer Vacation in Scandinavia . .. and unlucky enough to be stranded there for the Winter by an airline strike. Sect IT ALMOST SEEMS that Born Losers go out of their way to avoid complishing things by accident that few of us could do on purpose. Who but a Born Loser could get his rain check at a called-off double-header too soggy to be redeemed? Who but a Born Loser could find a rare 1894 dime in his ‘change, and then put it into a pay phone to call home with the good news? Who but a Born Loser could hit a 270-yard golf shot out of the rough, over a creek, through some trees, onto the green and into the cup... of the wrong hole? I’ ‘A WAY, BORN LOSERS are to be envied. They seem to be capable of ac- before the door prize drawing is held, you know he bought the winning ticket and lost it. Even before he finishes building his new home, you know the state will condemn the land it’s on for a throughway. And even before he’s sidestepped that last tackler on his 98-yard touchdown run, you know the whole play will be nullified by the referee. Te NICEST THING ABOUT a Bom Loser is that he’s so predictable. Even spirit. He may be the only guy ever to have thieves steal his car and leave the hub caps. He may be the only guy to amass a great fortune and then west it in Trans-Cuba Airlines. And he may be the world’s only phone sub- scriber who's forced to share a four-party line with a bookie joint, a doctors’ answering service and an all-night drug store. Still, nothing shakes a Born Loser’s conviction in the creed he lives by: B: THROUGH IT ALL, the Born Loser remains a creature of indomitable OH, WELL... YOU CANT WIN’EM ALL! BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPT. THE LIGHTER SIDE OF... (DON'T JUST STAND THERE! THIS 1S A MOVIE CAMERA! [Pies] WET go in) a) T JUST DO SOMETHING! Do SOMETHING! _) [Runt JUMP! LAUGH! ANYTHING!) [the house and get my STAND THERE! (is) camera! This is me.-- LEAVING! This is me in front of my girlfriend's house ‘And this is me diving into her pool ... And this is mein my brand new car Joe, baby! I've got ' surprise for you! rm gonna show you What are you doing? Oh, that's quite 2 surprise! Tio, wait! You're too far away! Tell you what ... you stand here where | ‘am, and Till set things up for you! Do you realize this is per fwny don’t} last day of our vacation, and | | you ask | Thaven't got one picture of | | someone us together!? And what's more,| | ‘to help I've only got one shot lett) (us, dear? (Pardon me, Sir—would you be Sure, kind enough to take a picture thine! ‘of my wite and | together? “BUGS [ WRITER & ARTIST: DAVIO BERG Tm going on a trip) )) ("At 98 nd tat dogs NOT | [WOW IT OF course (raises) Til get lucky and | include developing— me 3 ifthe ‘un the whole batcht |H|hich‘s anotners390| | ortune iu pictures ES |\(["tor each cartridge! | | to nave my} | don’t come pictures out, there'll ain be no charge! Hi, there, Marval | They tall me you saw the Did you have a] Thaven't gotten my understand you just rea entire continent through good time? unre pictures back yet! back from a the viewfinder of a camera! (Okay, this is the spot! Ive got the ‘exposure set, the focus set, and the shutter cocked. All you have to do's: stand here, look through the viewfinder, ‘and press this button like This shot | (Oh, | had an) ‘Another accident! The svt vey | | ecient ‘sun ducked behind 2 The t od, ithe us fappened | {Herat {sree vat happen in ae = fed That's why irreat pho Sacer (Feo The Kids are wight, (Txnow!) [Furry up, Dod) (We ook exacty the) (1 | Ue ce} [Linoat) | eee an || ose pia orate} | snow T | saat stan sy people | | oe | in : Here tke that) | wall mate for i | “And what COMPOSITION! In] all my years as a camera nut, ‘and with all my expensive equipment, I've never taken pictures like theset Tell me the truth, Watt T BOUGHT the slides ‘What's your secret? in a SOUVENIR SHOP! (— Filet that goyis a Tourist I can always tell 13 Tourist by the cameras| hung around his neck! (A PHONY! In this town, they treat the Tourists better than they do ‘on, then] [Nopet] (No? Then wnat you really are you? [camera-bua? Look, Mal | just bought a brand new ‘camera! I's 2 Polaroid "Swinger"! (This is a marveious camera?) This isa terible cameral! It's 2 waste of money, this camera! It's a piece of unk! ‘Swinger"?) {It's @ marvelous camera that What kind of| | takes picture and develops ‘camera isa | | itin ten seconds! Hold it “Swinger”? ) {and 1 ;OTCHAY Harry! Really You've gatto stop this! Every few minutes, stop and pose. stop and pose! Ts absolutely infuriating! Hey, look at met Golly, I'd almost Horgotten how swell ‘that place was! JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART Il THE BOOB IN CHARGE OF THE TUBE DEPT. Say, hi, there, MAD Readers! My name is Trublood Capote! You've |_| heard of me! My latest book is, all about a horrendous crime! called it “'In Cold Blech”! Well, that book was nothing compared to my next book! It's all about the people who have committed the most horrendous crime of the 20th Century . .. the Television Executives of America! And for my research, today | am interviewing Mr. Herman Avarice .. . selected by MAD as THE TELEVISION NETWORK PRESIDENT OF THE YEAR ‘Mr. Avarice, | noticed that your network slipped 2 bit in the Ratings last week! ner Te ARTIST: JOE ORLANOS Well Of course not! It's the interpretation of the isn't statistics that counts! For instance, these that statistics show that we had 43% of the number how ‘of TV sets in use during prime time, a 48% the share of the available market, 65% of the 13% ratings t0-13% age group, and a whopping 76% of the are people who would have watched us if they weren't watching something else at the time! ‘And this doesn’t take ‘could have been tuned| ‘Nonsense, my boy! You only saw the statistics on the number of people who were watching us! WRITER: STAN HART Anything, m’boy! Ifyou have time, V'can prove to you that Rhode Island is larger ‘than Texas! You certainly can make those Statistics prove anything you want ‘them to provel into account all the sets that were in TV ‘epair shops that in to our Network! sane Gi: And wren you [We fire the like originality. boldness, 2 understand that | [We merely check the popularity of new shows on This isthe room where we pre-test our spotting “New Trends” | | "other Networks, and if they click, we imitate new shows and tabulate the scores to find | is an important factor || them! Last year, there were TWO new trends: lout whieh show will go.on—and which won't! in the success of TV. | | The Weekly Comic Book Hero Show... and The jetwork Programming! || National TV Tests! This year our big show will iow do you go about it?| | be the National Weekly Comic Book Hero Tests! You mean the average viewer has the Intelligence of a 12-year-old? No, he just fell asleep on his“ Like" button! Last That's my idea! Well it's You stole my a terrible fg dea anyway! Yeah! my Bet Oh, yeah! t Could you} | Betcha] | cant Enel % = "The NAM. Award For Keeping Job-Absenteeism ‘ACA New Low"! Our Daytime Television gets people out of their homes. ‘and back to work fast! '2 minimum level of ‘hat our Commercials ‘don’t look bad! Vis controlled by advertisers, you know! Will Richard Kimble ever find the one-armed man? Will ose poor folks | " you We have to maintain | inteligence and taste so | Oh, yeaht No, our “Situation Put your Comedies" are done ‘on the WEST Coast! that only Actually, they're would waten! On? Then how o you explain ‘notice that more and more Hollywood Motion Pictures are Being scheduled for TV. fl ‘What I don't understand is fi Why anyone would want to See the same movie on TV that he's already seen in ‘2 movie theatre? =, Hey! What happened ut it out! See?! And you thought it 1e same movie! Hey”. you want to See. screening of a movie about a Greek ‘School Teacher wo works six days a week? J imagine you need I "lent of ideas BEVER Cr) were jaturally, the “Summer Re-Run' gives Us even more mileage from each idea! ‘And this year, we've come up with NEW Switceroo on the Re-Run concept ‘Moore-Durward Kirby ‘nd “the ton Bene Show" ‘Speaking of new ideas and [| stil marvel at our concepts, Mr. Avarice, what fl ability to jam five do you consider to be commercials or more Television's most significant [into every 3minute achievement? A et That's not exactly what had in mind im talking about programming in the Public interest! ‘Oh, that would be our News to us alll Douglas Redundant here at Cape Kennedy "There is stil no Official Explanation a= to what has caused this delay. $0 let's switch to Edward Verbose at the Houston ‘Space Center for an exciting re-cap of the last five uneventful hours ie. But isn't that unfair fg to the Television Viewer? | mean, he couldn't has tomiss TWO. || care less about what's fair or Unfair to the That's a pretty strange letwork Z MA No... because of how much they can do with so litle! The way those guys can talk for hours at conventions and missie-launchings with absolutely nothing to say puts the rest {notice that of al the shows on the three eis stil 77" minus 1:47— ‘and holding! For a report on ‘the delay, let's switch to ‘the Cape and Doug Redundant! How did you get [IWe Networks always schedule TWO four best shows opposite the Major Networks, there IW Right-—making are only six good hours HH a total of TWO ff hours other Networks’ best shows! ‘of viewing per week! good hours of | fg fom six? f° Can't et the competition viewing per week! get the jump on youl Right? titude for a Ne President to take, ‘especially when you consider the money the company is paying yout rr | WIAADAA MY) Sos If you promise not to tell anyone, |g 4 er Exactly! And with the kind of [TV Programs I've been making sure go on the air, people have been jamming the movie if you'll excuse and» BOFFO"NOVA DEPT, We at MAD are sure that you've all enjoyed the hilarious contributions of our Latin-American regulars .. . the Mexican “Jumping Bean,” Sergio Aragones (‘A MAD Look At Batman,” “Drawn-Out Dramas,” etc.), and the Cuba “Libre,” Antonio Prohias (“Spy vs. Spy”). Now we'd like you to... ZIRALDO = os D Apparel D> chemistry D Embroidery Se LAUGHING GAS © TEARGAS (One-of-a-hind Insignia Service] Sod uo mith got tat tre ‘@ SMOKE PELLETS © STINK BOMBS Eaatlenns eecarely esniseoidered io fire FREE ESTIMATES! Designs submitted for yout approval. Soited lint include, Soto, Green Lantern, Flosh ond many others, Super Costumers 225 for Super Customers Lafayette St. MAsquerade 3-0940 Aion ne, 1098 Bry Hlinen 45887 he Corp. 30 Gustavson PTimely $9578 > antesiba Sales & Service ‘Ate you driving am ovtof-date super car ‘with those camy old-fashioned. gimmicks? 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