60 Funny Christmas Quotes, Jokes, and Sayings (Including ones that might land you on the Naughty List)

• “Son of a nutcracker!” — Buddy, Elf
• “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge
• “You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Bart Simpson, The Simpsons: Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
• “Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” — Melanie White
• “Elves with attitude.” — E.L.F.S. Leader, The Santa Clause
• “I don’t know what to say, except it’s Christmas, and we’re all in Misery” — Ellen Griswold, The Griswolds
• “For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is — and people will usually just give it back anyway!” — Anne Bristow
• “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.” — Unknown
• “Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.” — Kevin McCallister, Home Alone 2
• “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.” — Buddy, Elf

Ok, we admit it — these funny Christmas sayings might get you onto Santa’s naughty list. But hey, what’s the holiday season without a bit of mischief?

• I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
• Christmas: the only time of year you can sit in front of a dead tree eating candy out of socks.
• You know those commercials where the present is a brand new car with a big red bow? Yeah, I got you socks.
• There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.
• ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring…except for the people with kids who still believe in Santa.
• You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy hot chocolate, and that’s kind of the same thing.
• Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. Nevermind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
• Christmas comes just once a year, but when it comes, it better bring good beer.
• Where treetops glisten and children listen?

If you’ve picked a Christmas card design with limited room for text, these hilarious one-liners are perfect for you. Remember, good — and hilarious — things come in small packages!

• Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?
• I’m only a morning person on December 25th.
• Sleigh all day, then cabernet.
• Sources say nice list negotiations are still ongoing.
• Sometimes naughty, but mostly nice.
• Merry whatever.
• Dear Santa…I can explain.
• Holiday to-do list: Eat, Drink, Nap.
• What happens under the mistletoe stays under the mistletoe.
• Resting Grinch face.
• It’s the most winederful time of the year.
• Up to snow good.
• So elfin’ cute

Are you the class clown of your friend group? Keep your usual hijinks going with these hilarious Christmas card greetings.

• Christmas is a good excuse to send cards to all my favorite people. Congratulations on retaining your position on my list this year.
• Santa told me you were very good this year, I told him it was just a lack of opportunity. Merry Christmas!
• I tried too hard to make Santa believe that you’ve been good throughout the year. Instead, I got my presents canceled for being your friend!
• Merry Christmas! All I got you was this card.
• Santa knows what you’ve been Googling…don’t expect anything this year.
• Being my friend is the only gift you need!

Everyone loves a good Christmas joke, and these are all grade A. So pick one for your card, and save the others for your next holiday party.

• What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? Rude-olph.
• How is Christmas exactly like your job? You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.
• How do snowmen get around? They ride an icicle!
• How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas? He was hooked on trees his whole life.
• Why do reindeer like Beyoncé so much? She sleighs.
• What’s Santa’s favorite wine? Prosecc-ho-ho-ho
• What did one Christmas tree say to the other? Lighten up!
• What kind of music do elves listen to? Wrap!

If you prefer to send New Year's greetings instead of Christmas cards, go for one of these hilarious New Years sayings. After all, what’s better than ringing in the New Year with a bit of laughter?

• Here’s to a New Year and another holiday card.
• 9 pm is the new midnight. Happy New Year!
• Just here for the champagne. Happy New Year!
• May the New Year bring you courage to break your resolutions early!
• “May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions” — Joey Adams
• We're fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine. Happy New Year!

Need even more inspiration for what to write on your Christmas card? Check out 110 more Christmas card sayings here.