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Reviews
The Whale (2022)
Brendan Fraser is brilliant...Darren Aronofsky starting to repeat himself
Just to get this out of the way: Brendan Fraser is excellent in this film, should probably win an Oscar, and definitely reinvigorated his career.
The film is simple in that it only has a handful of settings, and very few characters. Each character is flawed in their own way...sympathetic in their own way...and UNSYMPATHETIC in their own way.
The only problem with this film is that it certainly appears that director Darren Aronofsky is starting to repeat himself with choice of material. Throughout the film, it is hard to not notice elements very similar to his earlier film The Wrestler (2008). It's certainly worth watching once, but as a rental. Can't really imagine anyone wanting, although it is powerful, to see this film more than once.
The Watcher (2022)
"Give Me Back My Time!"
...Is what you will scream at your television set after watching this show. There are several accomplished actors and actresses in The Watcher, each one giving the absolute worst performance of their careers. Without giving away spoilers, this show really has no idea what it wants to be. When trying to be suspenseful, it often elicits unintentional laughter. Perhaps the worst part of the show is Bobby Cannavale who, in several scenes, comes across as of he is special needs with an anger management issue. He literally drags every scene he is in through the mud. The show leaves the viewer unfulfilled and, quite frankly, NOT asking for more. The Watcher, this watcher, won't be watching season 2. Hopefully, there is not one.
Willow (2022)
Meh...the Magic is missing
Perhaps the most magical part of the first two episodes, is that in the film, Joanne Whalley used and American accent. In this show, she uses her usual British accent. A bit glaring to those who grew up huge fans of the movie, unless the accent has some kind of future implication on the show.
I find myself not really caring about the characters at all, and not only the music during the ending credits is anachronistic. Characters, and themes, have very contemporary dialogue and themes. There's teen angst, there's more modernly accepted romantic relationships, there's rebellion. It's like watching My So-Called Life, if it was set at a Renaissance Fair. The acting is good, and by good, I mean terrible....especially by some of the motive veteran actors and actresses.
This show makes you wish that Queen Bavmorda never fell for the disappearing pig trick. I wish I could throw a stone making acorn at the entire show. Galladorn down...Galladorn WAY DOWN!
Psycho (1998)
Completely Unnecessary
Actually, to call this a completely unoriginal, shot for shot remake of the original classic unnecessary would be an understatement. There is a lot of wasted talent in this film...a lot. Scenes, although they are basically carbon copies, lack the suspense and dramatic affect of the original. Perhaps the biggest, most glaring problem with this film is in the casting of Norman Bates. Vince Vaughn in this film is one of Hollywood's biggest examples of an actor being miscast in a role. He is, to be quite frank, simply not believable in the role. Perhaps this film would have been a bit better with a more appropriate choice for Norman Bates, but why even try to outdo the original masterpiece? Hollywood cash grab.
Halloween Ends (2022)
Unnecessary
I understand the need to have a trilogy, to have closer, but...ugh! This is a sequel that really had no business being made. It is derivative, even to earlier, less well made films on the Halloween franchise. Trying to think of anything which makes this film actually stand out, but it's a head scratcher. Really can't think of a single thing. Michael Myers, for some reason, is Pennywise from It. (?). The male lead, for some reason, is Danielle Harris. (?). Hopefully you stream this one on Peacock. Haddonfield, for some reason, is Flint, Michigan. (?) The scariest thing about this film, is spending your cash to see it in the theaters during this economy. Butcher knives down...butcher knives WAY DOWN!
St. Elmo's Fire (1985)
Hate Everyone On Screen
I'm not sure you could find a larger group of disconnected, irritating, self-absorbed characters in another other film. Every character is awful...EVERY ONE! Acting is poor, and at times, unwatchable. Andrew McCarthy, who is pretty much terrible in everything he does, is at an all time low. Judd Nelson's character, well, if you don't want to punch that character in the face in every scene, you have more restraint than I do. I could go on, but I already wasted 2 minutes of my life writing this review...two minutes I'll never get back.
Fire in the Sky (1993)
This Movie Needs An Anal Probe
This movie is terribly made. The acting is some of the worst you will ever see. The characters are completely unlikeable. D. B. Sweeney, for example, plays a character irritating, you just want to punch that character in the face. You almost wish the aliens would do even more experiments on him.
This movie strayed from the source material. If it had been more faithful, perhaps it would be an interesting watch. Perhaps. Instead, it just turned into any other gray alien abduction movie.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
So far...so bad.
I guess it was the goal of the makers to initially portray Obi-Wan as a scared, burned out, fallen hero...but he really comes across like a complete punk in the first three episodes. He basically runs away from everything, cowers before everything, and gets bitch slapped by the bassist from The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Too bad there is no involvement by Jon Favreau, who with Dave Filoni, made The Mandalorian and The Book of Boba Fett must watch shows.
Hopefully, Obi-Wan is not a slow burn and gets better...FAST. Otherwise, I guess the fallen Jedi will continue to get punked, and have his milk money stolen by an Ewok, Jawa, or some other formidable Star Wars character. Pathetic.
Buddy (2006)
Feel Cheated
I found the title to be a bit misleading. There were no puppies in this movie playing sports. No soccer, football, or basketball of any sort being played by canines. I feel like this film was a blatant attempt to cash in on the Air Buddies movies, and simply falling short. Not even close to being the same level of quality filmmaking as those instant classics. Thumbs down...thumbs WAY down!
Billy and the Hurricane (2009)
Many, many mistakes!
This is a short film that could have really used a medical consultant on standby during production. If they did consult an expert about hospital and Emergency Department procedures during filming, they probably should have found a better expert. There are a lot of medical mistakes, but I'll just point out a few of the more glaring ones:
1. Gloves. No medical staff wears gloves in this hospital...not even when starting the IV during the Code. (Impressive too that the husband was able to carry his apneic, unresponsive wife to his car, drive to the hospital, carry her into the hospital, and there was still enough time to save the twins. Guess that town has no EMS).
2. HIPAA. ER Attending would NEVER discuss the details of a patient death in front of a different family...and the RN would have certainly asked and other visitor to return to their own family's bedside.
3. Unit Clerk of an ED would never be allowed to dress so casually.
4. Who got consent for Billy's Endoscopy? Grandma wasn't there when performing Doctor did procedure.
5. Wheelchair race through the ED would not happen. Imagine explaining that injury in WorkHealth.
6. Billy is not wearing non-skid socks. There is even a close up of his normal socks during the dance off.
Ultimately, this was just a poorly made movie with an anti-abortion message shoved down the viewer's throat further than Billy's chicken bone.
Sarah's Wish (2012)
Expected more from Lance Corporal Harold Dawson
I once heard a saying that "you'll never be better than your weakest acting habit." After watching this short on Vimeo, the above statement has proven to be absolutely true. Casting, also, seems to be critical, and inadequate casting can completely drag down an otherwise passable film.
The male lead in this film seems to illicit unintentional laughter in almost every scene. There are times when you will find yourself laughing out loud at his agony. Another thing, they say crying on command is one of the hardest talents for an actor to master. When it comes to this talent, the male actor in this film fails out of kindergarten. In one scene, his character is crying while discussing the death of his son (as a result of his character's own parental neglect). Seconds later, his face and eyes show absolutely no sign that he was upset. His performance, to call it awful would be an insult to awful acting, pulls this film into the mud. The female lead is adequate and the kid does a fine job. Save your twenty minutes...you'll never get them back.
This film was directed (and written) by the same guy who played the Lance Corporal in A Few Good Men. If only his casting had been better.
Dark Side of the Ring (2019)
Extremely well done
This is a wonderful series, even for the non-wrestling fan. Does well exploring the darker aspects of the pro wrestling world. Chris Jericho is the perfect narrator. Don't really want to ruin anything by stating too much, but I was actually wanting more. Feels like these 44 minute episodes could easily be 2 hour episodes and still be just as intriguing. Well done!
Mare of Easttown (2021)
Derivative...but enjoyable
Similar in tone to movies like Gone Baby Gone and Mystic River, this show is complete with brilliant acting, interesting characters you can empathize with, a realistic...if not sad...story. The detail of the show (local accents, for example) help make the show extremely relatable. You care for these characters, cheer with them, and cry with them. In my opinion, Kate Winslet's finest performance...including Titanic. She is a wonder in this show! Enjoy acting at its finest.
Castle Rock (2018)
Stephen King Fans Will Love Easter Eggs
In several of Stephen King's novels, there are allusions to the writer's other books. This show, which consists of two connected seasons, amplifies that trend. Fans will really enjoy all the Easter eggs.
There is some brilliant acting (especially the veteran actors/actresses) and intriguing characters. Make sure you don't turn off the final episode to the VERY end. Personally I went from a believable ending...to OMG this ending is bull***...to that was the absolute perfect ending.
Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (2018)
First two seasons great, but series ends poorly
When my wife suggested this show, I gave her an eye roll. I thought it was going to be simply an updated version of Sabrina the Teenage Witch TV show. After the first couple episodes, I realized I could not have been more wrong. Acting is superb, characters are intriguing, there are Easter eggs galore (Trilogy of Terror Doll...awesome), and the story telling is amazing. The parallel universe episode was brilliant!!
Only criticism I have is the final episode. I get it...it's supposed to be a Romeo and Juliet homage, but teenage suicide should not be glamorized. Nick Scratch killing himself so he can be with Sabrina in the afterlife was crossing the line. If the writers had brainstormed the series finale a bit better, this could have been a far better show.
American Horror Stories (2021)
Does not live up to "AHS" name
First two episodes were passable. The third and fourth episodes were awful. Think of a really bad episode of "Tales From The Crypt," and that is exactly what you have here. A REALLY bad episode. Hopefully, this anthology series gets back on track soon.
Scream (2015)
Should have never rebooted for Season 3
The first two seasons, with the exception of the last episode of Season 2, were excellent and well acted. When they decided to reboot the series for season 3, there was a serious drop off in show quality. They abandoned a great cliffhanger from season 2, replaced the cast with far inferior actors/actresses, and created a story with characters you really don't care about. Stick to the first two seasons.
Sharknado (2013)
Time To Fry Up This Fish
Another gem distributed by the good people at The Asylum. In a nutshell, this is another completely ludicrous and unbelievable story, filled with atrocious acting and characters that you really do not care about.
Let's talk a little bit about special effects. Sometimes, less is more. How novel of a concept. What made the original "Jaws" so effective, a film "Sharknado" makes several allusions to, is that it did not use unbelievable looking special affects. Steven Spielberg, very often, shot from the shark's perspective. Through most of the film, the shark was under water, out of site. the technique really played into the viewer's fear of the unknown. The sharks in this film, however, you see almost immediately and are as frightening as a one year old's tub toys. The tornado, or Sharknado, looks like a seventh grader's science project with Swedish fish flying around inside it.
The acting is beyond terrible. I really could not tell if John Heard was ACTING drunk, or if he was actually drunk and just trying to pass the time until he could cash his "Sharknado" check. Tara Reid does little more than just stand around with her arms folded, looking stupid. Any actress, or cardboard cutout for that matter, could have delivered a similar performance. Ian Ziering, to be honest, was this film's one redeeming quality. He seems wasted in this trash, and is unable to elevate the film above anything other than a punchline.
Can't wait to watch "Sharknado 2" and the upcoming "Sharknado 3." Something tells me these films will not go down in history as one of Hollywood's finest trilogies.
Children of the Corn (2009)
More Faithful To the Source Material But...
This movie just fell flat. Although, it does resemble the Stephen King short story more than the 1984 original, especially the ending, it is not it's equal in overall quality and creepiness. Peter Horton and Linda Hamilton put in Oscar worthy performances when compared to their counterparts here. The couple in this film have no on screen chemistry whatsoever, even for playing a couple with marital problems.
The real difference between this film and the 1984 original, however, is with the children themselves. Courtney Gains and John Franklin became the gold standard for creepiness under the age of 18 when the original was released. Their mere presence on screen was enough to disturb, even before a word of old testament chanting was uttered. The children in this film are, in comparison, about as scary as parakeet. They invoke no sense of dread and look completely harmless.
Perhaps the problem with this film, as well as the 1984 version, is that it is based on a short story. The tale is one of Stephen King's most disturbing and horrific. The images stay with the reader long after the short story is completed. However, there simply is not enough material to support a feature film. To get to the length of an average film, the 1984 original and this version added quite a bit of material which, honestly, watered down the original source material. The story would be better served in an anthology based film such as "Creepshow" or "Tales From the Darkside," where the source material could be given it's just due without a bunch of fluff used to lengthen the story to an hour and a half.
Flu Bird Horror (2008)
Could have been "Flu Swine" or "Ebola Horror"
Wow, where to begin. Let's be fair to this movie and say that it was made for television. That being said, the special effects reflect that and no further mention of special effects, or lack there of, will be made in this review.
Starting with the characters seems like good a place as any. These characters make questionable, if not just plain stupid, decisions. For example, when first attacked by the giant mutant birds, one character hides under a picnic table while another hides in a tent. I guess that hiding spot behind the dandelion was already taken. While in the gas filled tunnel with boxes of old dynamite at their feet, the character Derrick attempts to light a cigarette. (In a continuity note, didn't Derrick attempt to bum a cigarette a couple minutes earlier? Where did he get that cigarette?) There are other examples of character stupidity (all lighting up cigarettes seconds after their Counselor is mauled by mutant birds, initiating sex in the woods while fleeing the birds, etc.), far too many to list here.
Medical mistakes. There are numerous medical blunders in this film, but I will just point out a few:
1) The blood transfusion in the surgery scene is not infusing. Good thing too, because there is enough air in the IV tubing to cause an air embolus and actually kill the patient.
2) The sutures on the wound are far too apart. Doesn't really matter as the surgeon did not irrigate the wound. If she had, she would not be pulling foreign bodies from the site after wound closure had begun.
3) Park Ranger goofball Lance Guest not only walks into the OR without putting on a pair of scrubs, but also seems to have all medical and laboratory equipment at his disposal.
Question: How big is that Wisconsin forest? We know that it takes place in Wisconsin because Lance Guest's vehicle in the film has a Wisconsin license plate. When asked how long it would take the Army Helicopter to intercept the birds, the answer is given "15 minutes." If the Army Helicopter can travel 180 MPH, and we assume it is flying at it's top speed to find the killer mutant birds, does that mean the helicopter is 45 miles away from the birds at the time? Where exactly were they looking for the birds? Did the helicopter plan to stop for coffee, increasing their travel time to 15 minutes?
Finally, in an example of some extremely lazy and apathetic film making, there is a very obvious recycled scene. At 17:40 of the film, there is an Establishment Shot outside the hospital. There are many extras in the scene standing around the hospital, walking into the hospital, and walking out of the hospital. At 30:46, there is another Hospital Establishment Shot with all the same extras going through all the same motions.
This film is one to be avoided. It is a complete waste of time.
Athena: The Goddess of War (2014)
86 Minutes I Will Never Get Back
To be fair, this movie is not total garbage. It does have some redeeming qualities. The acting is passable, which is to say that it is not completely laughable. The cast did, apparently, take a few acting classes. The director also did a nice job making up for lack of budget by utilizing implied violence in the climax of the film.
There are, however, quite a few problems with the movie. The most glaring and obvious problem is lack of continuity. This movie loves to make use of military time and characters in several of the scenes mention the time. However, the times in the movie often do not correlate (eg. The Sun in the sky at 4:10 AM).
The film's budget must have been scarce indeed because besides the violence at the end, there are other things that are absent. For example, when Athena is stabbed in the stomach by Persephone, missing is at least one drop of blood or any evidence of a tear to Athena's costume. After the team teleport, the one college kid falls to the ground and vomits. After a quick cut, they flash back to the same kid who is still on his knees, but all emesis seems to have disappeared. When Jack and Athena are driving in the convertible, scenery did not seem to be important at all as the two appear to be driving through a giant white cloud. When the car stops, they are in the middle of town with plenty of people and buildings. Also in this scene is some more phantom vomit.
Oh yeah, note to actor Tim Ross who plays "The Interrogator," don't pull a Kevin Costner. If you can't perform an accent, DO NOT ATTEMPT AN ACCENT!!
All criticism aside, I think the cast did a decent job, especially the younger members. Cali Danger, the actress who played Persephone, has shown that her "Inara" days are far behind her. Hopefully she, along with the other members of the cast, can use this movie to catapult their careers.
Chernobyl Diaries (2012)
Multiple Choice Question:
Tourists decide to visit an unsafe locale, end up stranded in some way, and are eventually slaughtered by mutants. The above plot description is from which movie:
A) Wrong Turn B) The Little Mermaid C) The Hills Have Eyes D) Chernobyl Diaries E) All the Above F) All the Above, Except "B"
I think you get the idea. As far as plot is concerned, Chernobyl Diaries brings absolutely nothing new to the table. It's as if the producers of this film decided, "Hey...there's this place in Europe that had a meltdown. Let's move the setting of 'The Hills Have Eyes' to that location, and now we have a new, original movie."
If that is the case, then I have a movie idea I'd like to pitch to the producers in Hollywood: A group of tourists decide to go to a potentially dangerous Pennsylvania site on a dare. While there, they become stranded and are eventually hunted down and slaughtered by mutants. I think a great title would be "Three Mile Island Diaries." Coming to a theatre near you Summer 2013.
Paranormal Activity (2007)
Provides some scares, but nothing original
If you moved "The Blair Witch Project" from the woods into a house, and eliminated Joshua Leonard from the movie entirely, you would have this film. Basically, this movie is a lot of noises off camera, dark lighting and shadows, and a bunch of creepy standing around by the characters. This film, much like Blair Witch, plays the "fear of the unknown" card, and plays it well. By the end of the film, they could have had a clown doll jump out and get a reaction from the viewer. Wait...that was already done. BTW...don't these people ever have to go to work?
Paranormal Activity is certainly worth at least one viewing, especially around Halloween. With the exception of some potty mouth and one blood stain, there is certainly nothing that would make the viewer uncomfortable. As stated earlier, the use of smoke and mirrors is used to elicit scares from it's audience. It certainly is not a CGI bloodbath.
Transmorphers (2007)
Extremely Original and Groundbreaking...
...is how I would describe this film if movies like "Transformers," "The Terminator," and "The Matrix" were never made. However, since those films do exist, "Transmorphers" becomes nothing more that a Sci/Fi ripoff. Writer/Director Leigh Scott, apparently, believes that it is appropriate film making to take scenes from several different successful movies and put them all together in one script. Transmorphers, as a result, is nothing more than a Sci/Fi potpourri of the last two decades in Hollywoood. Scott seems to even get "inspiration" from movies like "Demolition Man" and Saturday morning cartoons like "Gobots."
The acting is labored and one-dimensional. These actors/actresses have the range of a slingshot, which is not uncommon for a film by The Asylum. The dialogue is meaningless, pointless, and practically inaudible. The special effects are beyond terrible to the point of laughable. R2D2 and Johnny 5 are more menacing than these robots.
Save your time...save your money...save your sanity...avoid this movie.
18-Year-Old Virgin (2009)
Terrible...Nothing Funny Whatsoever
Let's just say that the overall story is stupid and simply not believable. There is your basic "masterbation to a friend's mother" scene lifted from the "American Pie" cutting room floor. A shaving scene which really seem to serve no purpose other than to make the movie longer and more intolerable. There is the accidental fellatio on a corpse which, I'm pretty sure, I saw in the movie "Clerks." Won't waste my time on the plot anymore, but I think you get the idea.
The characters are so derivative that they are practically stolen from other films. There's the constipated face making Stiffler wannabe, there's the slutty best friend who offers advice, and there's the closet freak goodie two shoes. Watching this film, you get a sense that theses "actors" are playing the same characters from "The American Pie" franchise (and doing it poorly)instead of creating characters of their own.
This film was made by The Asylum. Every time I think the film company can not go any lower, they seem to find some sub-level of garbage. There is nothing original about this movie....nothing.