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Reviews
Speak No Evil (2024)
The stars are for McAvoy only
As the title says, this film only gets four stars because McAvoy, who has clearly been working out A LOT, is as excellent as he ever is. Unfortunately, he's working with actors who are d-list to his a-list and with a script that isn't even worthy of the d-list.
I wanted the film to work. I'm not familiar with the source material, but the premise seemed promising. Sadly, this film is as lazy as any film you've seen before. If there was a shot for shot remake of Scream, they would talk about this movie in film class. Every five minutes you're getting angry because they constantly make poor choices that no right minded person ever would. It really ruins the film.
Unless you absolutely have to see everything McAvoy makes, avoid this at all costs.
Parish (2024)
It's finally happened!
Usually, if you see the surname Esposito attached to a show or movie, you can pretty much guarantee that it will be good. If it's preceded by the name Jennifer, she'll be good and the show/movie will be too, even if she shows up in odd places. If it's preceded by the name Giancarlo, he'll be brilliant and the show/movie should be too. I mean, just look at the guys back catalogue. You also rarely see Paula Malcomson in anything less than a 7.5.
This show is the exception that proves the rule. It's rambling, incoherent garbage. None of the characters are compelling, none of them engage you, few of them make any kind of sense.
You know that plot twists are coming, you just don't care enough to hang around and find out what they are. You don't even stop to pat yourself on the back for working out the more obvious ones.
Deleted after three episodes, it really was that bad!
Atlas (2024)
Reasonable but highly derivative
If you switch off your brain, pretend you've never seen a film before, and just let it happen, you'll probably enjoy this.
There are some good actors, and Jennifer Lopez does a reasonable job too.
The problem isn't so much the story, but rather how much it rips other films off. Ranging from idea lifts through to wholesale theft of scenes and dialogue, this films directly steals from Aliens, Terminator, Avatar, The Matrix, Star Wars, I Robot, Halo, and many more. I'm not talking Easter eggs, subtle hints, or witty nods. I'm talking full on, blatant theft.
The only way I can think of to make this storyline make sense is if they've made a film about the dangers of AI by allowing AI to write the script. Anyone familiar with online AI tools will be aware of the potential to tell it to look at existing content to create new content. That's the only explanation.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine (2013)
Rapid fire fun with some slow burn gold
It took three attempts for me to get past the first episode. I'm not sure whether that is a criticism of the first episode or of me. Probably the latter as I struggled to get past a show where the majority of the cast is better known to me, thanks to being a father to young girls, as the stars of Encanto, Sing, Hotel Transylvania, Cloudy With a Chance Of Meatballs, etc.
However, once I did make it through that first episode, thanks to it being the only comedy available to me on an international flight, I was hooked. All 150+ episodes in under a month kind of hooked!
This is an exceptional comedy show, possibly my favourite of all time. The balance between humour and human interest is outstanding. Each character is a, borderline ridiculous, caricature, with each of their flaws and talents constantly cranked up to 11, yet the stories and acting make you emotionally invest in everything they do.
My absolute favourite comedic element are the beautifully planned, and executed, callbacks. Some jokes take three or four seasons to reach their punchlines, and when they hit, they hit hard.
Comedy aside, the one thing that truly separates this from most, if not all, mainstream comedy shows are the wonderful character arcs. Each person develops. The goofball matures and becomes thoughtful and considerate. The uptight, driven, leader discovers a sense of humour and becomes more outgoing (especially in one wonderful "hot damn!" moment). Angry people chill. Rule followers become rule breakers. All of that happens naturally as the motley crew grow closer and influence each others actions and outlooks.
I was genuinely sad to start season 8 as I knew it was coming to an end and the last episode got me square in the feels.
You'll laugh and you'll cry, but mainly you'll laugh, over and over again.
Desperation Road (2023)
Acting almost overcomes the plot
This is a very tightly budgeted film. Very few actors, very few sets, minimal stunts or effects, short shooting schedule and the biggest money saver of all, no writers. Or at least, I assume there were no writers. It would be impossible to think that someone purposely wrote this plot and had it approved. It's utter nonsense. Spoiler filled synopsis incoming. You've been warned.
Drunk driver kills a guy in a wreck. Drunk goes to prison. Girl has guys baby and falls into destitution for reasons unknown, despite both girl and guy appearing to have perfectly good families. Girl becomes a prostitute leading to her getting arrested by an officer who then rapes her. Girl kills officer and goes on the run. Girl carjacks newly released convict. She doesn't recognise this stranger but can you guess who fate has brought to her? Guy killer helps girl who inexplicably appreciates his help and starts to fall in love. Dead guys alcoholic and suicidal brother tries to kill the ex-con, as revenge for losing his brother, and accidentally hurts girl. Ex-con's father, Mel Gibson, kills depressed drunk. Local police take this opportunity to frame drunk brother for dead rapist policeman's death. Then they all live happily ever after. Ex-con now replaces the boyfriend/father he kills. Murderer Mel Gibson becomes caring grandfather. We don't know what happens to the family of the murdered brother and previously killed innocent guy from the beginning as apparently no one cares.
The film ties itself up nearly as a happy ending but you just can't love these people. They're all just in a cycle of pain and death caused by the guy being pitched as the film's hero. Well acted madness.
Billions (2016)
They've finally cracked it!
Billions does what so few American shows are capable of doing, it finished. It didn't get cancelled post-cliffhanger. It didn't run out of steam and leave us wondering what happened. No one woke up in the shower after a dream. Instead, it finished. A completed, clever, interwoven series of story arcs that left you feeling satisfied but wanting more. In fact, I'd be amazed if some version of it didn't return in the future.
Over the seven seasons, and the many, many characters, very few have disappointed. The characters are wonderfully written, beautifully styled, and wonderfully acted. All of the leading cast have been perfect. Both Lewis and Giamatti have cemented themselves as some of my favourite actors.
If you haven't seen this, get on it. It's amazing!
Rebel Moon - Part One: A Child of Fire (2023)
When will Snyder call it quits?
The first time that spacecraft land on the Rebel Moon, you can't help but think of the Jedi Transport from Attack of The Clones. Then you look at the films title, you see the visuals of a planet/moon that dominates the night sky, you witness the quiet unassuming farm hand who turns out to be a skilled warrior, and your internal film buff starts screaming "Star Wars rip-off". Low rent, poorly made, garbage special effects, derivative storyline, Star Wars rip-off. Then you learn that this was Zack Snyder's pitch to Disney for a Star Wars sequel that failed because it wasn't good enough. You think he would learn from that...
Welcome to Wrexham (2022)
Wholesome, heart-warming TV
I'm a lifelong fan of football. I understand it's tribalism. I support my local team. I've been a season ticket holder when life allows it. One thing that is a core truth of football is that you love your team and nobody else. Welcome to Wrexham changes that.
Wrexham are not alone. They are not unique. Scores of teams exist that have had the same troubles, and worse. Nothing special to see here. But, a big but, so big that Sir Mix-A-Lot could rap about them, is that this programme does such an amazing job of understanding and documenting the culture, community, and impact of small team local football that you can't help but fall in love. No show I've ever watched so perfectly articulates the importance of a community lynchpin on local people.
I came for Ryan and Rob, I stayed for Wrexham.
Saltburn (2023)
It simply doesn't work
I'm a big fan of Emerald Fennell, I love her work. Promising Young Woman is a bit of a masterpiece. However, Saltburn really misses the spot.
Saltburn is claimed to be a dark comedy and a psychological thriller. Rosamund Pike's character is the only one with any funny lines and those are few and far between. As for a thriller, there simply isn't anything thrilling about it. It's a series of murders but you always know who did it and why. None of the characters involved ever realise that there is a murderer and never feel at risk. The murderer is never pursued, suspected, or caught. Absolutely nothing thrilling or psychological ever happens.
There is a degree of social commentary but it's light touch, infrequent, and about a world few will inhabit or experience. Utterly pointless and nowhere near probing enough to improve the story.
Once you get passed the fact there is no story, no comedy, no thrill, you're then left with a collection of disturbing, and frankly weird, scenes that add nothing to the story other than a shock factor that is out of place. The scenes will offend some and probably should carry a warning. One especially is deeply perverted. Exercise caution if easily offended.
The only reason for four stars is the acting and visuals. Both are fantastic. There could easily be awards talk about both but the story may well hold them back.
Nativity! (2009)
Definitely on the list of worst films ever made
It's difficult to believe that Martin Freeman allowed himself to be associated with this horrendous movie.
I've tried several times and it is impossible to find a single redeeming feature to this film.
The story is beyond ridiculous, it makes no sense and is so unbelievable as to be actually painful.
The acting is all horrendous. Even respected, talented actors do a truly awful job. None of them would ever work again if this was the only thing in their portfolio.
I have to assume that the direction is terrible as it's impossible to determine that there is any.
Production values are non-existent
Do not, under any circumstances watch this film.
65 (2023)
So many silly choices
If you're like me, you'll look at the scores, then look at the synopsis, then look at Adam Driver, and think "this must be better than a (insert present score here)!"
Wrong. Wrong. You're wrong. You're very wrong.
This is 60s/70s B-movie, at best, but without the humour or originality.
We are meant to believe that it is set on earth, during the Cretaceous period, yet it's filled with ridiculous non-dinosaurs. I get that you can't go too Jurassic Park on this, but some realism would have really improved this flick.
Our hero, Driver, makes lots of silly choices. Sleeping in a cave, stalked by a pseudo t-rex. Instead of waiting for it to get bored, they go pot holing in an unknown cave system, with explosives, whilst fighting against the clock.
Just two examples of ridiculous points that take the film from "suspend reality" to "are you kidding me?"
If you're going to be sat on your phone with this in the background, it's good enough. If you're having a night at the cinema, forget it.
Home (2015)
Cynicism disguised as Easter eggs
If you're looking for an animated alien adventure, I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Let's get the truth out there, this isn't a movie. This is a feature length advert and music video for Rihanna and Jennifer Lopez. The "movie", that is almost devoid of anything original, is liberally smattered with a staggering array of Rihanna and J Lo songs that are nowhere near good enough to warrant general release but are deemed good enough to bump their fees for "starring" in this vacuous attempt at a movie.
As for those "Easter eggs", the film relies so heavily on nods and references to other sci-fi franchises (they even called the music production company Stargate for crying out loud!) rather than feeling the need to have an actual story.
In short, there is zero originality, zero story, zero fun. Avoid.
Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
All mouth and no trousers
Visually stunning. That's all of the positives of this film summed up in two words. It's all style over substance. In most other ways, it's a nothingness of a film. It drifts between formulaic and nonsensical.
It's hard to believe that, with thirteen years to play with, that James Cameron and friends didn't find the time to write a good story. Sully and family run away, they get found, battle ensues, people dies, bad guy survives just in time to star in the next sequel. Along the way, we meet a variety of characters who would be wearing red uniforms if this was Star Trek. What a waste of three hours!
Also, I have key questions: in this one they aren't going for unobtanium, they now want the brain juice of the giant animals (can anyone say Pacific Rim 2?), and they proudly proclaim that a large vial is worth $80m. How much did the mission and infrastructure cost? How can they possibly recoup their money? Where did they find this many employees so eager to murder an entire ecosystem?
The Menu (2022)
Only one step from reality whilst totally bonkers
There's a famous restaurant in London which I won't name, it's named after a boy from Les Miserables, that is responsible for one of the worst dining experiences I've ever had. The staff were aloof and showered the customers with disdain. Pointless rules about dress code, etc. Made the evening physically uncomfortable. A "chef knows best" approach to the menu and specific serving of the food was insulting. Having to be escorted to the bathroom by a member of staff who waited in the bathroom with you was creepy beyond belief. An arbitrary but compulsory service charge despite terrible service was insulting. The memory of that awful evening made this film all the better as all of those things happen here. Having experienced the worst side of food pretention made this all the more believable. Add in a wonderfully psychotic performance from Fiennes and you have an absolute winner!
Willow (2022)
Lazy beyond belief
I had high expectations for this show. Recent Lucasfilm TV adaptations have been exceptional. Beautifully structured, well acted and just the right amount of Easter eggs. That's not the case here. Willow is almost entirely cast and crewed by Lucasfilm and Disney alumni whose sole purpose is to reenact scenes from other Lucasfilm properties. Not subtle nods to other properties, just famous scenes lifted wholesale and copied cynically and without any hint of respect or good humour.
Once you get past that, if you can, you're then confronted by the use of modern language, contemporary style and vernacular that is completely at odds with the original film. This almost feels like a reboot but with the same leading cast.
Enjoyable if you restrain your hidden nerd, otherwise pointless.
Guillermo del Toro's Pinocchio (2022)
GDT should be ran out of Hollywood!
It's World War II, a violent geriatric alcoholic lonely madman, witnesses his unusually young son (whose age no one seems to question), who he left alone in church, get killed by an unexpected bombing run from passing bomber planes. He goes on a destructive rampage which leads to him hacking down a tree and angrily carving a puppet of a small boy, with a head modelled on Castaway's Wilson. A late night deal with an evil wood sprite and a failed author, who also happens to be a cricket, brings the puppet to life. The puppet immediately goes on a malevolent rampage and turns into a horrendously angry young lout. A local fascist and member of the SS comes up with a plan to build an army of wooden super soldiers based on the malevolent young puppet.
If that sounds like the Pinocchio you've always wanted to watch, you're in luck. Otherwise steer well clear of this disgusting abomination!
Matilda: The Musical (2022)
For people who don't know who Matilda is
This, very poor film, borrows some character and place names from a Ronald Dahl book called Matilda. They are in no other way connected. The story is entirely different and loses all of its magic as a result. Unfortunately, they haven't replaced it with a better story. They haven't even replaced it with an average story. Instead, they've created a lame version of The Midwich Cuckoos with some nasty and vengeful kids who seem to enjoy violence, rather than being driven to it by an alien force.
As you would expect, Emma Thompson and Stephen Graham can act, no one else in the film can. In fact, Stephen Graham's Mr Wormwood is the closest relation to a Roald Dahl character as he has a deep orange tan and bright green hair so has a striking resemblance to a 1970's Oompa Loompa.
If you're a fan of the book, the original film, the musical, or anything Roald Dahl related, ignore at all costs.
Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)
Beware the fake reviews. This is unwatchable
The premise sounded worth a watch on a Saturday night. It was never going to be vintage Spielberg but nor should it have been this bad. It should have been fun and at the very least it should have been passable entertainment.
Stopped watching after half an hour as it quickly became unwatchable. It made no sense whatsoever, the acting is embarrassingly bad, the script is puerile and unimaginative. Someone should be banned from movie making for this.
All of that is a broadly polite way of saying that the positive reviews on here are fake. No one is watching this and thinking it's good or in any way redeemable. They're simply posting to convince you it's worth parting with your cash for. Don't fall for it.
House of Darkness (2022)
How did this get released?
It's hard to know where to start!
This is billed as as a seductive thriller. The only real problem with that is that there is no seduction and nothing thrilling. Rather, it is deathly boring from the first scene to the last.
It is hard to say whether Justin Long is acting incredibly well or just doesn't want to be there. He is incredibly likeable in everything I've seen him in but I'm this film you can easily hate him for a multitude of reasons.
Kate Bosworth, as ever, gives an incredibly wooden performance whilst also looking like a plank of wood. She is being sold as the beautiful siren, yet in a film that only features three women she is easily the least attractive by a significant margin. She should refuse to ever work with the stylist and wardrobe department again.
What really let's this film down though is revealing so early on that Kate Bosworth's character is Mina Murray. Anyone who has read Dracula knows exactly who Mina is. Knowing that is like being given the worlds biggest spoiler. You instantly know the whole plot, if you can even call it a plot.
Please, I implore you, if you were involved in this film, get a different job.
Emily the Criminal (2022)
Great movie spoiled by nipples
I'm a huge Aubrey Plaza fan and this is a real left field shot for her, different to anything she's usually in, but it works. It works as a story of "there but for the grace of god". It works as morality tale. It works as a social commentary on the many failings of US society and the "system". It also works as a good old mindless film that keeps you engaged. Everyone involved does a great job, all very believable.
And, all very plausible. It's not a huge stretch to see how someone in Emily's position could easily move from a position of despair to "acceptable" illegality to full criminal mastermind.
The only thing that lets it down? Nipples, freezing cold nipples. There is no good reason for Plaza to spend the entire film bra-less and cold. Almost every scene of hers contains cold nipples or side-boob and it adds nothing to the story, nothing whatsoever. Aren't we past this yet? Set the right example! Could have been 9 stars without that.
Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)
Can we erase Taika Waititi?
This could, and should, be the film that ends Marvel. We all know that the franchise has been in decline for a while but this latest offering plumbs new depths. MCU was one hell of a franchise but the emphasis is firmly on the word "was". There have been occasional mid-steps along the way but no one has done as much damage as Taika Waititi. He has completely destroyed everything that he touches. Stop letting him be in films. Stop letting him write films. Stop letting him direct films.
This is nonsensical, incomprehensible garbage of the highest order.
For a franchise to work it has to be in the hands of like-minded guardians of the narrative. Jon Favreau was that guy for MCU, just like he now is for Star Wars, but his replacements have been beyond questionable.
Time for this to be put out of its misery.
The InBESTigators (2019)
Great premise ruined by rampant racism!
How is stuff like this still being made in the modern world?
The girls of the The Inbestigators are all intelligent, virtuous, thoughtful, caring white girls.
The angry, pompous, uptight, OCD boy is Asian. Who also happens to have a highly stereotyped dumb granny who speaks only in 1970's comedy chinglish, "aw, me so solly"
The dumb as a box of rocks, always in the way, comedy foil, always there to look stupid and have things explained to him by the white girls, is indigenous.
Whoever casted this show is a disgrace.
Death on the Nile (2022)
A criminal waste of talent
The biggest mystery with this film, maybe even too much of a mystery for the great Poirot himself, is how they took such a stellar cast and the excellent energy of the first film and turned it in to this steaming heap of dung (<< polite IMDB friendly version of what I really want to call it)
The acting is fantastic, the best that they could hope to do with the source material. However, the effects are terrible, there is zero suspense, no atmosphere, nothing at all to keep you interested. No single redeeming feature to keep you interested or to make you want to recommend it to a friend.
I've been looking forward to this since MOTOE but it misses by a mile!
Deep Water (2022)
Too subtle for an American audience
There's a ton of bad reviews for this film on here. Most of them from people who just don't get it. Here's the twist, in many ways those bad reviews are right. It's a little too slow, the relationship dynamics are hard to reconcile, the one dogged guy who pays to pursue Affleck seemingly has no reason to do so, and more. But, when you finally let the twist sink in, the film becomes genius. Genius because the twist is exceptionally subtle, too subtle for many. Genius because you understand why it happens but not why it keeps happening. Genius because of the exceptional acting. Genius because the twist is never explicitly confirmed.
Watch it.
Here's the spoiler>>
P.s. The little girl did it.
Last Looks (2021)
Good old-fashioned fun
A retro comedy thriller whodunnit starring an array of stars often playing against type.
Gibson's drunken English "luvvy" thespian is just perfect. Rupert Friend's 80s yuppy studio exec is possibly his finest role. Hunman is the new Columbo and plays it to a tee.
The only differences between Waldo and Colombo are that Waldo is a private detective, rather than a serving detective, and is attractive to women. Both characters are scruffy and unassuming. Both have quirky transport, an 80's pushbike vs an old school Peugeot. Both have a trademark piece of clothing they are rarely seen without, a trilby hat vs a raincoat. Both get the protagonists to open up to them by appearing to be bumbling their way through an investigation. Both are looked down upon or ignored by the main players until they catch the guilty party red handed - SPOILER: the scene where Waldo plays catch with the villain to determine that he is left-handed is classic Columbo!
The plot doesn't try to get too clever, the twists and turns all make sense without being ridiculously obvious. But make no mistake, unlike some fellow reviewers, there is a plot and it is worthwhile. No one should end this film confused.
Importantly, something so rare in a film these days, when the star gets hit by someone much bigger it hurts. The star doesn't then get back up and deftly destroy the bigger, stronger, better fighter. Instead, he sits on the floor, bleeds and resolves to make better choices.
Watch it, have fun, be reminded of a time when all you needed was a simple plot and some good acting to make a great film that's easy to watch.