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Dantalion
Reviews
Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983)
Yecch.
Easily my least favorite of the first three films. WAY too much cutesy-poo, some below-par special effects, and the *worst* extras in the business -- remember the guy who says "You Rebel Scum?" How about 87 different Imperials saying "Freeze! -- Don't move!" at different points? What is this, a bad 70's cop show?
I have heard rumors that Lucas originally planned to have Endor populated by Wookies, which would have been *far* more interesting than those obnoxious little Ewoks, who simply stretched my credulity past the breaking point. I mean, the Storm Troopers have *helmets* on -- yet a 3-foot teddy bear with a stick can take one down with a couple of ineffectual whacks to the head? Please...
Il mondo di Yor (1983)
"Yor!" "My what?"
Oh, man... I remember seeing this absolute dog as a teenager. It was a matinee in this run-down theater, and no one was there but me and some friends... The plot was so incomprehensible from the outset that we began hooting at Reb Brown (dressed as a caveman and Steve Martin look-alike)... every time someone called his name -- "Yor!" -- we would yell back in unison: "My what?" Crappy movie, but a fond memory.
Can anyone explain how 22 people gave this laugher a "10?"
A Christmas Story (1983)
"I like the Wizard of Oz... I like the Tin Man."
My wife and I weep every time we watch this -- regardless of your age, this movie will evoke the best memories of a simple, happy childhood at Christmas time...er, assuming you HAD a happy childhood AND celebrated Christmas in your family. Great script made near-perfect by exceptional casting, and Shepard's voice-over adds the star to the top of the tree.
And Ceewayne, if you genuinely don't like this film... man you MUST have had a miserable childhood ;)
Trilogy of Terror (1975)
Now on video!!!
I read recently somewhere that this long-unavailable classic is coming out on video! Yahoo! Although it is the infamous Zuni doll segment that steals the show, the other two are at least slightly interesting, especially for over-sexed hetero men, as Karen plays a couple different seductive characters, and Ms. Black is quite the piece of eye-candy for that sort of thing. Yes, I am part of the generation who saw this at about age 10, and carry an aversion to little African fetish dolls to this day!
Royal Flash (1975)
Fun film that does justice to the books.
If you haven't read any of the Flashman series, go out and find one. Rollicking good read, with the protagonist being an absolutely selfish, cowardly, mean-spirited ass of a man who nonetheless finds himself considered a dashing hero by the public at large. Fraser does a good job of converting his book to the screen (writing Three Musketeers was probably good practice), re-teaming with Richard Lester. MacDowall is good as ol' Flashy, glossing over the fact that Harry is supposed to a large, strapping Brit, and not a skinny little guy like Malcolm. :)
Enjoyable on its own merit, but I'd say read one of the other Flashy books and then see this.
La comtesse noire (1973)
One of the most (unintentionally) funny films I have ever seen.
Oh. My. God.
This film is bad.
Seriously.
And it will leave you giggling uncontrollably. This film is at least as unintentionally funny as any Ed Wood film out there.
The opening scene, during which the supposedly beguiling Lina Romay walks slowly, seductively through a mist-shrouded forest towards the camera as the credits flash around, is wonderful: at the end, she gets so close she actually *bumps into* the camera, jarring the shot -- a scene which put me on the floor for the next few minutes. It's bad enough this doorknob was dumb enough to keep walking right into the equipment -- but why in God's name didn't the director snip it out of the final cut? The "Jamaican butt-quivering death-orgasm" scene is also priceless (you'll see what I mean if you actually have the stones to watch this dog for the laughs). An impossible-to-follow mishmash of artsy-fartsy scenes and general sluttishness, mixed in with gore and laughable filming techniques.
Invite some friends, pop open a few cold ones, and get ready to laugh.
13 Ghosts (1960)
Hard to watch, even for humor/kitsch value
Stultifying film about a house full of ghosts. *Dreadful* script and bad acting, even by Castle's standards. It's hard to even laugh at this one -- most unsatisfying special effects (although it'd probably be more fun if the special glasses were still needed).