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Bagged by the Groceries!
When Ashley Dubois tossed the big fat cucumber in her shopping cart, she intended to put it in a salad, but the grocery monster had another place in mind!Living a pampered life in a high-end New Orleans condo, Ashley Dubois has little to complain about. But when a chance encounter with a wild-eyed homeless woman leaves her haunted by a voodoo curse, the trophy wife will face a voodoo demigod that will manifest himself in Ashley's bags of produce, meat, and bread as a creature out of her strangest nightmares.Then the grocery monster will make her steamiest dreams come true. And we all know what's going to happen to that cucumber.This 5,700-word short story contains strange and explicit content.
45 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 29, 2016
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February 14, 2020VALENTINE!!! BE MINE!!!
man, it has been way too long since i have read monsterporn. this book reminded me how much fun it is to roll around in the bizarre and filthy world of monsterotica, so a huge thank-you to Sh3lly the Dorky DNFer ✨ Bring on the Weird ✨ and her band of machalo pervos for letting me revisit this extraordinary brand of joy once more.
this is written by one of my favorite monster-smut authors. i think this is my 6th or 7th fannie tucker story, and she always delivers the freaky goods. any hack can write vampire porn or even ogre porn, but it tales a true master to write grocery porn.
if you're wondering what grocery porn is, please, take my hand.
ashley dubois is just a regular woman married to a successful lawyer. she lives in new orleans in a gorgeous condo, embracing the pampered lifestyle of a trophy housewife - unencumbered by a career or children and free to spend her time making elaborate meals for her breadwinner-husband, whose job provides her with all the finer things in life, but leaves her alone too frequently, a little restless and unravished.
tonight is their anniversary, and ashley is planning to make blake's favorite meal, so she takes a trip to the local piggly wiggly and buys nine bags of groceries. on the way back to her car, sweating in the heat and distracted by an incoming text from dear hubby (who seems to have forgotten their anniversary) informing her he will once again be working late, she bumps into an old woman with her cart. she is mortified, and tries to offer assistance, but is quickly repelled by the stench of the woman, and her disheveled appearance. the woman demands some of ashley's groceries, but ashley refuses, and scurries off as the woman crows after her:
“You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!”
ashley goes home to nurse her disappointment and unease with some wine. she's enjoying the view from her second-story balcony when she hears a noise in the kitchen behind her. startled, she rushes back inside to find her grocery bags tipped over, canned goods scattered, most of the food either missing or tampered with: Creamy white droplets dribbled from an empty carton of yogurt.
she freaks out at the thought of an intruder in her house, despite the deadbolted door, grabs a butcher knife from the kitchen and runs to her bedroom, where blake's gun is kept. when she is suitably armed, she turns to see the shape of the intruder in the doorway, and points the gun at him, before realizing this is no ordinary intruder.
It was… the groceries
you see, all the missing food has fashioned itself into a six-foot-tall, man-shaped creature with a chest of ground beef, eggplant biceps, and most importantly - a big old cucumber cock.
that would be scary enough, but for me, this is the true horror. from its iceberg lettuce-head,it gazed at her with black olive eyes that somehow conveyed a disturbing intelligence.
yuk, olives. don't look at me, olives. you are gross.
naturally, ashley is confused by this spectacle and makes her inquiries of the creature, asking "What are you?"
turns out, this grocery-man is none other than a manifestation of zaka - haitian demigod of fertility and the harvest, and these are the kinds of consequences you face in voodoo-riddled new orleans when you bump into an old lady and then refuse to give her any tasty compensation.
but what does this creature want with her?
something about fertile soil and seeds… some light gardening perhaps? like in tucker's other story Garden Gnome Gangbang
or - oh, wait, what is he doing with those baby carrot-fingers?? oh no!! that ain't right!
He brought his fingers up, and she saw her own glistening juices on the orange carrot knuckles as his ham-tongue flickered out to taste them.
nothing more erotic than a ham-tongue.
but ashley is powerless to resist, and frankly, she's pretty turned on by the whole thing, ham tongue and all. and suddenly she's kneeling in front of this grocery-monster, enjoying a cucumber in an unanticipated manner.
To think I was going to put this in a salad.
zaka is pleased with these ministrations.
“Suckle my fruits, woman,” Zaka commanded. “Taste me.”
now, here it must be noted that the testicles of this creature were made of nectarines in her first description, but have now become plums. which she suckles accordingly, although perhaps not skillfully, as she describes suckling the smooth, tight skin until she tasted the sweet juices.
too hard, ashley! you're not siphoning gas here!
but zaka doesn't shriek in pain, so i guess demigods like it rough.
and ashley's ready for more:
At that moment, she didn’t care if his cock was a cucumber or a zucchini or a fucking watermelon, she wanted it inside her.
i understand how sometimes the heat of the moment overtakes a lady and those endorphins roaring through a body can make someone feel invincible, but come on, ashley - a watermelon is not a suitable sexual partner. for a woman, anyway. it's fine for a man, as cormac mccarthy has shown us, but for you, not so much.
it's one of those things you think will be sexy at the time, but it's really really not.
although ashley does play rough, as evidenced in her forceful plum-suction and in this additional scene of furious produce-lovemaking:
Her back arched as she clenched his butt in her fingers, her nails digging into the cantaloupe’s rough skin until sticky juice dribbled out.
jeez, ashley, control yourself!
but she's in a carnal tizzy, uttering the bedroom commands of one too lust-blind to see the humor in her utterances:
“Come on, baby,” she pleaded. “Gimme them groceries! Gimme them fucking groceries!”
and the groceries are indeed given. in a variety of ways, and positions, just as that crone in the parking lot had predicted:
“You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!”
and it's all fine and dandy until this one part. now, i have read a lot of monsterporn and NEVER once have i said "ew" out loud. until now:
Inside her, Zaka’s cucumber cock swelled like a ripe seedpod ready to burst, and she felt something erupt from its tip in thick, warm gouts. A vague image played across her mind: an empty yogurt container lying on its side in the kitchen. Now she knew where the yogurt had gone.
oh, ew. fucking ew. that is a bridge too far. no dairy in the lady garden, please.
but i will allow one pun, even though it's something of a metaphor-salad. (and yes, i see what i did there)
The thick, hard vegetable inside her pulsated as he emptied the fruit of his loins into her womb.
vegetables shooting out fruits?? what a cuntry!
it ends with an unexpected twist, giving some insight into blake and the weird things that turn him on, which can be interpreted as either the aftermath of a tantrum or a woman's complete psychotic break.
whatever the case, i shudder to think about what it's like to experience a grocery monster's sloppy seconds.
“Shut up, Ashley Dubois. I need to make love to you.”
i sure hope he likes yogurt.
and am i the only one trying to figure out what blake's favorite meal is? because these are all the items mentioned in the story:
canned goods, meat, bread, produce, yogurt, fruits, vegetables, grains, flour, ground beef, eggplant ears of corn, oranges, baby carrots, iceberg lettuce, olives, nectarines/plums, russet potatoes, butternut squash, ham, cantaloupe
and unless blake is a stoner or a goat, i'm finding it hard to meld those ingredients into a satisfying meal. especially now that they've been where they've been.
regardless, a wonderful 'welcome back to monsterporn'read for me, and the exclamation point in the tittle is KILLING me with delightedness.
thank you again, machalos, for taking me under your sleazy wing!
come to my blog!
man, it has been way too long since i have read monsterporn. this book reminded me how much fun it is to roll around in the bizarre and filthy world of monsterotica, so a huge thank-you to Sh3lly the Dorky DNFer ✨ Bring on the Weird ✨ and her band of machalo pervos for letting me revisit this extraordinary brand of joy once more.
this is written by one of my favorite monster-smut authors. i think this is my 6th or 7th fannie tucker story, and she always delivers the freaky goods. any hack can write vampire porn or even ogre porn, but it tales a true master to write grocery porn.
if you're wondering what grocery porn is, please, take my hand.
ashley dubois is just a regular woman married to a successful lawyer. she lives in new orleans in a gorgeous condo, embracing the pampered lifestyle of a trophy housewife - unencumbered by a career or children and free to spend her time making elaborate meals for her breadwinner-husband, whose job provides her with all the finer things in life, but leaves her alone too frequently, a little restless and unravished.
tonight is their anniversary, and ashley is planning to make blake's favorite meal, so she takes a trip to the local piggly wiggly and buys nine bags of groceries. on the way back to her car, sweating in the heat and distracted by an incoming text from dear hubby (who seems to have forgotten their anniversary) informing her he will once again be working late, she bumps into an old woman with her cart. she is mortified, and tries to offer assistance, but is quickly repelled by the stench of the woman, and her disheveled appearance. the woman demands some of ashley's groceries, but ashley refuses, and scurries off as the woman crows after her:
“You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!”
ashley goes home to nurse her disappointment and unease with some wine. she's enjoying the view from her second-story balcony when she hears a noise in the kitchen behind her. startled, she rushes back inside to find her grocery bags tipped over, canned goods scattered, most of the food either missing or tampered with: Creamy white droplets dribbled from an empty carton of yogurt.
she freaks out at the thought of an intruder in her house, despite the deadbolted door, grabs a butcher knife from the kitchen and runs to her bedroom, where blake's gun is kept. when she is suitably armed, she turns to see the shape of the intruder in the doorway, and points the gun at him, before realizing this is no ordinary intruder.
It was… the groceries
you see, all the missing food has fashioned itself into a six-foot-tall, man-shaped creature with a chest of ground beef, eggplant biceps, and most importantly - a big old cucumber cock.
that would be scary enough, but for me, this is the true horror. from its iceberg lettuce-head,it gazed at her with black olive eyes that somehow conveyed a disturbing intelligence.
yuk, olives. don't look at me, olives. you are gross.
naturally, ashley is confused by this spectacle and makes her inquiries of the creature, asking "What are you?"
turns out, this grocery-man is none other than a manifestation of zaka - haitian demigod of fertility and the harvest, and these are the kinds of consequences you face in voodoo-riddled new orleans when you bump into an old lady and then refuse to give her any tasty compensation.
but what does this creature want with her?
something about fertile soil and seeds… some light gardening perhaps? like in tucker's other story Garden Gnome Gangbang
or - oh, wait, what is he doing with those baby carrot-fingers?? oh no!! that ain't right!
He brought his fingers up, and she saw her own glistening juices on the orange carrot knuckles as his ham-tongue flickered out to taste them.
nothing more erotic than a ham-tongue.
but ashley is powerless to resist, and frankly, she's pretty turned on by the whole thing, ham tongue and all. and suddenly she's kneeling in front of this grocery-monster, enjoying a cucumber in an unanticipated manner.
To think I was going to put this in a salad.
zaka is pleased with these ministrations.
“Suckle my fruits, woman,” Zaka commanded. “Taste me.”
now, here it must be noted that the testicles of this creature were made of nectarines in her first description, but have now become plums. which she suckles accordingly, although perhaps not skillfully, as she describes suckling the smooth, tight skin until she tasted the sweet juices.
too hard, ashley! you're not siphoning gas here!
but zaka doesn't shriek in pain, so i guess demigods like it rough.
and ashley's ready for more:
At that moment, she didn’t care if his cock was a cucumber or a zucchini or a fucking watermelon, she wanted it inside her.
i understand how sometimes the heat of the moment overtakes a lady and those endorphins roaring through a body can make someone feel invincible, but come on, ashley - a watermelon is not a suitable sexual partner. for a woman, anyway. it's fine for a man, as cormac mccarthy has shown us, but for you, not so much.
it's one of those things you think will be sexy at the time, but it's really really not.
although ashley does play rough, as evidenced in her forceful plum-suction and in this additional scene of furious produce-lovemaking:
Her back arched as she clenched his butt in her fingers, her nails digging into the cantaloupe’s rough skin until sticky juice dribbled out.
jeez, ashley, control yourself!
but she's in a carnal tizzy, uttering the bedroom commands of one too lust-blind to see the humor in her utterances:
“Come on, baby,” she pleaded. “Gimme them groceries! Gimme them fucking groceries!”
and the groceries are indeed given. in a variety of ways, and positions, just as that crone in the parking lot had predicted:
“You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!”
and it's all fine and dandy until this one part. now, i have read a lot of monsterporn and NEVER once have i said "ew" out loud. until now:
Inside her, Zaka’s cucumber cock swelled like a ripe seedpod ready to burst, and she felt something erupt from its tip in thick, warm gouts. A vague image played across her mind: an empty yogurt container lying on its side in the kitchen. Now she knew where the yogurt had gone.
oh, ew. fucking ew. that is a bridge too far. no dairy in the lady garden, please.
but i will allow one pun, even though it's something of a metaphor-salad. (and yes, i see what i did there)
The thick, hard vegetable inside her pulsated as he emptied the fruit of his loins into her womb.
vegetables shooting out fruits?? what a cuntry!
it ends with an unexpected twist, giving some insight into blake and the weird things that turn him on, which can be interpreted as either the aftermath of a tantrum or a woman's complete psychotic break.
whatever the case, i shudder to think about what it's like to experience a grocery monster's sloppy seconds.
“Shut up, Ashley Dubois. I need to make love to you.”
i sure hope he likes yogurt.
and am i the only one trying to figure out what blake's favorite meal is? because these are all the items mentioned in the story:
canned goods, meat, bread, produce, yogurt, fruits, vegetables, grains, flour, ground beef, eggplant ears of corn, oranges, baby carrots, iceberg lettuce, olives, nectarines/plums, russet potatoes, butternut squash, ham, cantaloupe
and unless blake is a stoner or a goat, i'm finding it hard to meld those ingredients into a satisfying meal. especially now that they've been where they've been.
regardless, a wonderful 'welcome back to monsterporn'read for me, and the exclamation point in the tittle is KILLING me with delightedness.
thank you again, machalos, for taking me under your sleazy wing!
come to my blog!
Read
June 15, 2023As you might infer from the title, this book is about....
It's about a lady who gets dicked down by a load of perishables.
I realize this is the second weird review from me in one week and I apologize for cluttering everyone's feeds with "unconventional" smut. This is my attempt to keep up with the crazy ladies at MacHalo's.
Ashley Dubois is on her way home from a big shopping trip when she runs over a creepy homeless lady with her cart. Adding insult to injury, she then refuses to give the woman anything from her mountain of groceries, all of which she apparently needs to cook her lawyer husband dinner. In vengeance, the homeless lady places a voodoo curse on Ashley:
Ashley thinks nothing of it (smh) and goes home. Once there however she discovers an intruder:
So Ashley, of course, has mind-blowing sex with the creature, who happens to be a voodoo god of harvest and fertility, sent as "revenge" by the cackling homeless voodoo woman.
At this point I had three main concerns.
1. If the voodoo lady can summon people made of food, why does she have to sit in front a grocery store and beg people for food money?
2. Ashley thoroughly enjoyed herself throughout the story so I fail to see how this counts as revenge on the voodoo woman's part.
3. Considering the general size of cucumbers sold nowadays, I wonder how Ashley's lady parts are still intact. All I could think after reading about the size of the god's endowments was
When the deed is done, the harvest-god disappears, leaving nothing but a pile of perishables and a squirt of yogurt on the sheets. Ashley's husband comes home and promptly puts a baby in her. Apparently sex with a fertility spirit has its upsides.
I actually really enjoyed the imagery in Bagged by the Groceries, and not just in the smutty scenes.
I've decided to refrain from rating weird smut I read. I'm afraid I'll rate one five stars someday and people won't understand that I read these ironically and will stop talking to me.
It's about a lady who gets dicked down by a load of perishables.
I realize this is the second weird review from me in one week and I apologize for cluttering everyone's feeds with "unconventional" smut. This is my attempt to keep up with the crazy ladies at MacHalo's.
Ashley Dubois is on her way home from a big shopping trip when she runs over a creepy homeless lady with her cart. Adding insult to injury, she then refuses to give the woman anything from her mountain of groceries, all of which she apparently needs to cook her lawyer husband dinner. In vengeance, the homeless lady places a voodoo curse on Ashley:
You want them groceries? That's jes' fin, girl. YOU GONNA GET THEM GROCERIES.Add evil cackling at your discretion.
Ashley thinks nothing of it (smh) and goes home. Once there however she discovers an intruder:
Her groceries had somehow assembled themselves into a man-shaped creature that stood just over six feet tall. A large sack of flour formed the thing's abdomen, and it had a broad chest and shoulders composed of packages of ground beef.
The upper body sat atop two thick loaves of bread. Between those whole-grain thighs hung a long, thick cucumber and a pair of smooth, ripe nectarines.
So Ashley, of course, has mind-blowing sex with the creature, who happens to be a voodoo god of harvest and fertility, sent as "revenge" by the cackling homeless voodoo woman.
At this point I had three main concerns.
1. If the voodoo lady can summon people made of food, why does she have to sit in front a grocery store and beg people for food money?
2. Ashley thoroughly enjoyed herself throughout the story so I fail to see how this counts as revenge on the voodoo woman's part.
3. Considering the general size of cucumbers sold nowadays, I wonder how Ashley's lady parts are still intact. All I could think after reading about the size of the god's endowments was
When the deed is done, the harvest-god disappears, leaving nothing but a pile of perishables and a squirt of yogurt on the sheets. Ashley's husband comes home and promptly puts a baby in her. Apparently sex with a fertility spirit has its upsides.
I actually really enjoyed the imagery in Bagged by the Groceries, and not just in the smutty scenes.
Her heart hammered in her breast with the wild urgency of a street musician beating out Zydeco on an upside-down bucket.See, I can dig that.
I've decided to refrain from rating weird smut I read. I'm afraid I'll rate one five stars someday and people won't understand that I read these ironically and will stop talking to me.
October 29, 2021
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Welcome to Literary Criticism 34, the lower division course where if you can analyze it, you can probably fuck it.
WHY is nobody talking about the social commentary in BAGGED BY THE GROCERIES? It literally opens with a privileged woman named Ashley (Karen's slightly up-market cousin) refusing to give groceries to a homeless woman on the grounds that she could easily get food stamps (no, seriously), and then getting fucked by the same (literal) fruits-- and vegetables!-- of the capitalist system that has screwed this woman. It is sexual karma in an erotic short.
Usually, the women in these books are as two-dimensional as paper dolls, but Fannie Tucker actually gave Ashley a personality. She's a woman who shops at the Piggly Wiggly, who gets turned on by shooting a firearm and feels a blend of white guilt and white fear about living in her gentrified neighborhood. She's dreamed about being a housewife all her life and is quick to tell you how many poor families her taxes pay for annually (several), but will also add that she isn't so out of touch that she doesn't know what street music is.
Even more weirdly, the groceries in this book are apparently the living embodiment of A(zaka), a loa (Haitian god, basically) of agriculture. Because naturally the homeless lady knows voodoo and naturally the homeless lady feels that some cucumber dick is a fitting fate for some privileged twat ramming her in the Piggly Wiggly (had to look that up, we don't have them here-- seems like it's basically a Southern Trader Joe's). Ironically, getting rammed in the Piggly Wiggly is exactly what happens to the heroine in this book.
So I know what you're asking. Is Zaka HAWT? Well...
Between those whole-grain thighs hung a long, thick cucumber and a pair of smooth, ripe nectarines (37%).
Licking his lettuce lips with a tongue that might have been a thick slice of the ham she picked up from the deli earlier, Zaka bored into her with his black eyes (46%).
Her fingers traced the bag of flower [sic] as she reached around back, sliding down to feel the pebbled texture of two cantaloupes that formed his tight, hard buttocks. She pulled him forward, deeper still, until the bulge of his plums pressed against her crotch (55%),
No? Not unless you've gone to a Golden Corral salad bar and thought to yourself, I wanna fuck that hot, throbbing salad bar. And then-- maybe.
I AM VERY UPSET ABOUT THE INCONSISTENCY, THOUGH! First the author said that he has nectarine testicles, but then she changes her mind and calls them plums. Which are they, author? Golden nectarines or big purple plums? Also, the sack of flower [sic] that makes up his back-- earlier, you said his back was a loaf of bread. Did seeing her get him so hot that she-- ahem-- raised his dough? And if so, where did the yeast come from? Actually-- don't answer that. PLEASE.
Anyway, I'm sure we all know what's coming next.
Or, maybe I should say WHO'S coming.
"Come on, baby," she pleaded. "Gimme them groceries! Gimme them fucking groceries!" (60%)
But how does she know when he's finished? Well, remember that dripping yogurt carton in the beginning?
Now she knew where the yogurt had gone (61%).
That's right-- IT'S CHEKHOV'S YOGURT.
Anyway, being banged-- sorry, BAGGED-- by the Haitian grocery god and being seeded by his fertile love yogurt is apparently an irresistible aphrodisiac, because her lawyer husband comes home and seeing her lying in a bed filled with spilled flour (sorry, flower) and dripping, soured yogurt like a sundry seductress and can't resist. He bangs her, and BOOM. She's pregnant now. The baby is a probiotic smoothie. (Not really, but also-- MAYBE.)
After reading M.J. Edwards's erotica, I feel like nothing can shock me anymore. I mean, I've read dinorotica, COVIDrotica, and even poop man erotica (very disappointing), so groceries don't really feel THAT shocking. People play dirty with food all the time. Every ER tech I've befriended had at least one story about someone who got too creative with a cucumber. This just feels like the next level. I will say that Tucker's book at least reads like she put some thought into it. There are some metatextual levels to this and there's even some wry, tongue-in-cheek humor (oh where has the yogurt gone WINK).
I guess the moral of the story is, never insult a voodoo homeless lady unless you wanna get lucky.
1 star
February 26, 2024
She FOR REAL fucked her groceries 😃
April 25, 2017
Scientific buddy-read with my lab partners; Luna and Sade. This month's topic; an unconventional approach to food porn.
The book gives you a preview with an old homeless woman saying;
Fastforwarding a couple of pages and we get to see how she can get the groceries. I want to say WOW. That there is imagination! With a lot of my eyes, my eyes are bleeding and I can never unread this thrown in it.
Rating this book is weird, it is a great monster porn but I have to take off some stars for the future mental disturbance it'll cause me every time I go grocery shopping.
The book gives you a preview with an old homeless woman saying;
“You want them groceries? That’s jes’ fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!”
Fastforwarding a couple of pages and we get to see how she can get the groceries. I want to say WOW. That there is imagination! With a lot of my eyes, my eyes are bleeding and I can never unread this thrown in it.
Rating this book is weird, it is a great monster porn but I have to take off some stars for the future mental disturbance it'll cause me every time I go grocery shopping.
September 4, 2023
Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re all thinking. Topside is all rambunctious again today. Reading all these smutty eroticas. But this one gets bonus points for creativity. Being a foodie, I’ve unsuccessfully tried to introduce many pieces of produce into the bedroom. Pineapples, okra, and even that unfortunate attempt with a ghost pepper. I still walk with a little shimmy after that. But even with all my attempts to spice things up in the bedroom…Mrs Topside did not approve or engage. Why? Cause she’s a prude and a killjoy, of course. So I enjoyed how sexy Fannie Tucker made the groceries here. It kind of gave me some sort of closure to my perverted food-related fantasies. And this bag of groceries took charge of our the lead character, Ashley, and rocked her world like it was 1899 all over again. Good sex, fun time, minimal brainpower. All in all, I had a pretty good time. To quote the great George Costanza, “I flew too close to the sun on the wings of pastrami.”
February 6, 2017
This is actually a decently written monster-porn featuring . . . groceries! Yes, groceries! But not your average, everyday cucumber. These groceries have been hexed by an angry woman and turned into a monster-man. There really is no need for a review of this, is there?
“What do you want from me?”Ashley’s voice sounded small and timid. The creature’s voice rumbled like fresh-tilled earth, as lush as rain-soaked melon vines. “To plant my seed. Rise, woman. Give me what is mine.”
LOL, that's all I'm giving you. You'll either want to read this or you won't.
“What do you want from me?”Ashley’s voice sounded small and timid. The creature’s voice rumbled like fresh-tilled earth, as lush as rain-soaked melon vines. “To plant my seed. Rise, woman. Give me what is mine.”
LOL, that's all I'm giving you. You'll either want to read this or you won't.
May 15, 2017
This book was ridiculous but entertaining! Set in NOLA with a comedic undertone, there wasn't much of this book to be taken seriously. This short story featured:
▲ A neglected and under-appreciated housewife
▲ A grocery monster with interesting appendages
▲ A great ending
Overall, a fun read!
▲ A neglected and under-appreciated housewife
▲ A grocery monster with interesting appendages
▲ A great ending
Overall, a fun read!
Read
June 6, 2018Oh dear...
Oh dear...
My dear friends...I have never used GIF's in a book review before, but SOMEHOW, this book just broke me. I am not a fan of using GIF's, but I just cant--I just cannot describe my emotions for this book in words.
Before we get to the GIF's, let me tell you how I came to read this:
In case you didn't know, I've been trying to read a book from *almost* every genre this year. I have so far, fulfilled that goal. I was doing everything from Fantasy to Horror to very obscure genres like Cult, Magic Realism, Biopunk, etc. I'm thinking in my head "Sweet. Only have YA and Magic Realism left!" I post the status on my DeviantArt page (I would also post every book from a different genre as a status update).
So 20 minutes later after I post, I get a message from one my dear friends stating "You haven't read erotica yet."
Oh...you're right.
Yep. Totally forgot about that one. I lied to her how I lumped Romance and Erotica together, and she simply sent me a message saying "liar" and "not fair". She's right.
Now I had to find an erotic book. Yeeeyyyyy... How many books do I have shelved on Goodreads. Like, two?
I'm sifting through my house, thinking of many erotic books I could read. "Peyton Place? Too long." "Forever? YOU PANSY." "50 Shades of Grey? LEAVE." "V.C Andrews? GTFO OUT!"
So after some difficulties, I decide to calm down and head onto Goodreads. Once I sign on, the first thing on the top of my status page is my friend Sh3lly ✨ Bring on the Weird ✨ 's status for THIS book. Naturally, both mortified and curious about what this was, decided to read her review...and I laughed my ass off, to say the very least.
It was then I decided THIS would be the book that would go under the "erotic" section of my challenge. So after reading her review I promptly purchase it with part of my Amazon gift card (which I wholeheartedly regret) and read it on my Kindle. The final outcome?
Being a girl who barely reads erotica, this was...an impact on my immune system. I can safely say I have never read a book like this before. Ever.
So you're probably wondering why this review has no stars. Is it because I hated it? Nope. Because I loved it so much? Nope.
So, how do I phrase it?
Well, much like Robert Ebert who did a review for John Waters' "Pink Flamingos" , and gave it no stars, simply because it could not itself be viewed as a movie but as an 'object'...well, let me say that's exactly how I feel about this book.
As an object.
My friends, I present to you, after all my three or more years on Goodreads...my first every GIF-y review!
Buckle up your seatbelts kids, because you're in for one hell of a Geocities-like review ride--with quotes and gifs! Won't this be fun? he he he oh please end this.
"You want them groceries? That's jes fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!"
I think we all know where this is going. Also, this book takes place in New Orleans. Put 2+2 together.
That vision didn't seem too unlikely, given what Ashley was looking at. Her groceries somehow assembled themselves into a man-shaped creature that stood just over six feet tall. A large sack of flour formed the thing's abdomen, and it had a broad chest and shoulders composed of packages of ground beef. The rounded slabs of meat gave it a sculpted, muscular look that matched its bulging eggplant biceps. At the end of the forearms--each one made up of ears of corn still in the husk, orange hands clenched and unclenched, and she saw that each knuckle was a baby carrot."
AND THIS WOMAN EARLIER MISTOOK IT'S SILOUETTE AS A REGULAR MAN'S! HOW???
She goes on to talk about his head being made of cabbage and blabbety blah...but lets get to the good part.
Between its whole-grain thighs hung a long, thick cucumber and a pair of smooth, ripe nectarines."
Of course it was a cucumber...and I find it funny how this "erotic book" lists this physical detail last.. Personally, if I was this woman, that would be the FIRST thing I'd notice.
"What do you want from me?" Ashley's voice sounded small and timid."
"The creatures voice rumbled like fresh-tilled Earth, as lush as rain-soaked melon vines: "To plant my seed. Rise, woman. Give me what is mine."
Well this is bizarre.
Ashley found herself kneeling in front of Zaka's cucumber manhood, the warm bedroom light shining on the mottled red and purple plum balls. The hands on her heads tightened, pulling her forward until the tip of the green length rested on her hips."
You said his balls were nectarines earlier, not plums! Come on man, get with the consistency! In reality though, you're not expected to be critical of a book about a woman who gets banged by a dude made of groceries.
"Zaka complied all too eagerly, sliding his cucumber deep into her willing body. His thick, slightly curved length felt tight and perfect, a well-oiled sword sliding into a supple leather sheath."
Interesting choice of words, Tucker.
"A vague image played across her mind: an empty yogurt container lying on its side in the kitchen. Now she knew where the yogurt had gone."
OH FOR THE LOVE OF--
Then after she has *surprisingly* graphic sex with this voodoo vegetable god man, he falls apart all over her bed and she falls asleep with food all over. Stuff happens afterwards but I don't like remembering this book so I'm just gonna leave it to that.
I mean, who cares if this book gets spoiled? It's only like 30 pages long or so and it's...interesting, to say the least.
At least I've got the "erotic" genre crossed out on my list now.
Oh dear...
My dear friends...I have never used GIF's in a book review before, but SOMEHOW, this book just broke me. I am not a fan of using GIF's, but I just cant--I just cannot describe my emotions for this book in words.
Before we get to the GIF's, let me tell you how I came to read this:
In case you didn't know, I've been trying to read a book from *almost* every genre this year. I have so far, fulfilled that goal. I was doing everything from Fantasy to Horror to very obscure genres like Cult, Magic Realism, Biopunk, etc. I'm thinking in my head "Sweet. Only have YA and Magic Realism left!" I post the status on my DeviantArt page (I would also post every book from a different genre as a status update).
So 20 minutes later after I post, I get a message from one my dear friends stating "You haven't read erotica yet."
Oh...you're right.
Yep. Totally forgot about that one. I lied to her how I lumped Romance and Erotica together, and she simply sent me a message saying "liar" and "not fair". She's right.
Now I had to find an erotic book. Yeeeyyyyy... How many books do I have shelved on Goodreads. Like, two?
I'm sifting through my house, thinking of many erotic books I could read. "Peyton Place? Too long." "Forever? YOU PANSY." "50 Shades of Grey? LEAVE." "V.C Andrews? GTFO OUT!"
So after some difficulties, I decide to calm down and head onto Goodreads. Once I sign on, the first thing on the top of my status page is my friend Sh3lly ✨ Bring on the Weird ✨ 's status for THIS book. Naturally, both mortified and curious about what this was, decided to read her review...and I laughed my ass off, to say the very least.
It was then I decided THIS would be the book that would go under the "erotic" section of my challenge. So after reading her review I promptly purchase it with part of my Amazon gift card (which I wholeheartedly regret) and read it on my Kindle. The final outcome?
Being a girl who barely reads erotica, this was...an impact on my immune system. I can safely say I have never read a book like this before. Ever.
So you're probably wondering why this review has no stars. Is it because I hated it? Nope. Because I loved it so much? Nope.
So, how do I phrase it?
Well, much like Robert Ebert who did a review for John Waters' "Pink Flamingos" , and gave it no stars, simply because it could not itself be viewed as a movie but as an 'object'...well, let me say that's exactly how I feel about this book.
As an object.
My friends, I present to you, after all my three or more years on Goodreads...my first every GIF-y review!
Buckle up your seatbelts kids, because you're in for one hell of a Geocities-like review ride--with quotes and gifs! Won't this be fun? he he he oh please end this.
"You want them groceries? That's jes fine, girl. You gonna get them groceries!"
I think we all know where this is going. Also, this book takes place in New Orleans. Put 2+2 together.
That vision didn't seem too unlikely, given what Ashley was looking at. Her groceries somehow assembled themselves into a man-shaped creature that stood just over six feet tall. A large sack of flour formed the thing's abdomen, and it had a broad chest and shoulders composed of packages of ground beef. The rounded slabs of meat gave it a sculpted, muscular look that matched its bulging eggplant biceps. At the end of the forearms--each one made up of ears of corn still in the husk, orange hands clenched and unclenched, and she saw that each knuckle was a baby carrot."
AND THIS WOMAN EARLIER MISTOOK IT'S SILOUETTE AS A REGULAR MAN'S! HOW???
She goes on to talk about his head being made of cabbage and blabbety blah...but lets get to the good part.
Between its whole-grain thighs hung a long, thick cucumber and a pair of smooth, ripe nectarines."
Of course it was a cucumber...and I find it funny how this "erotic book" lists this physical detail last.. Personally, if I was this woman, that would be the FIRST thing I'd notice.
"What do you want from me?" Ashley's voice sounded small and timid."
"The creatures voice rumbled like fresh-tilled Earth, as lush as rain-soaked melon vines: "To plant my seed. Rise, woman. Give me what is mine."
Well this is bizarre.
Ashley found herself kneeling in front of Zaka's cucumber manhood, the warm bedroom light shining on the mottled red and purple plum balls. The hands on her heads tightened, pulling her forward until the tip of the green length rested on her hips."
You said his balls were nectarines earlier, not plums! Come on man, get with the consistency! In reality though, you're not expected to be critical of a book about a woman who gets banged by a dude made of groceries.
"Zaka complied all too eagerly, sliding his cucumber deep into her willing body. His thick, slightly curved length felt tight and perfect, a well-oiled sword sliding into a supple leather sheath."
Interesting choice of words, Tucker.
"A vague image played across her mind: an empty yogurt container lying on its side in the kitchen. Now she knew where the yogurt had gone."
OH FOR THE LOVE OF--
Then after she has *surprisingly* graphic sex with this voodoo vegetable god man, he falls apart all over her bed and she falls asleep with food all over. Stuff happens afterwards but I don't like remembering this book so I'm just gonna leave it to that.
I mean, who cares if this book gets spoiled? It's only like 30 pages long or so and it's...interesting, to say the least.
At least I've got the "erotic" genre crossed out on my list now.
June 14, 2024
A surpassingly apt commentary on how many wildly privileged white women tend to lean into more aggressive forms of bigotry when they don’t have a single hobby or life’s purpose to take up their time
CW: explicit sexual content, classism
CW: explicit sexual content, classism
Read
October 27, 2023Well that was exactly the brand of unhinged I needed to entertain me during my lunch break. I'll see y'all later when I'm done cackling at the image of this monster and at the holy yeast infection that gal is going to get.
January 26, 2018
What can I say?! I was hungry and this was just there and it was research in case a voodoo homeless woman curses me with a horny food man ... or something.
While we're on the subject of hard vegetables ... am I the only one that always feels like some sexual pervert just by glancing at a cucumber in the shop?! Yes?! Okay then. Maybe you just don't have a dirty mind and think everyone is tutting and looking at you while imagining exactly what you're gonna use that large green phallic shaped vegetable for. And here is where I say I have never actually used one for any reason other than to eat. I am not protesting too much! SHUT UP!
What was I saying, fuck knows. Anyway...
This was just okay, the voodoo fertilising your ground aspect so you can have a baby with your always absent husband was a bit of a letdown because ... babies. Yawn. And maybe I wanted to read more about those firm cantaloupe buttocks and plum balls.
So, while this left me disappointed and sadly not craving a salad, I would highly recommend Nostril Fucked by the Micropenis and Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man. They're romantic.
While we're on the subject of hard vegetables ... am I the only one that always feels like some sexual pervert just by glancing at a cucumber in the shop?! Yes?! Okay then. Maybe you just don't have a dirty mind and think everyone is tutting and looking at you while imagining exactly what you're gonna use that large green phallic shaped vegetable for. And here is where I say I have never actually used one for any reason other than to eat. I am not protesting too much! SHUT UP!
What was I saying, fuck knows. Anyway...
This was just okay, the voodoo fertilising your ground aspect so you can have a baby with your always absent husband was a bit of a letdown because ... babies. Yawn. And maybe I wanted to read more about those firm cantaloupe buttocks and plum balls.
So, while this left me disappointed and sadly not craving a salad, I would highly recommend Nostril Fucked by the Micropenis and Ravaged by the Gingerbread Man. They're romantic.
October 28, 2021
🖤
Buddy read in the name of science (yes,seriously,science!) with Edge & Luna :)
2 very weird stars but i have to be honest, i never know how to star rate this type of books 🤷🏾♂️.
So i have to ask.. you want them grocerries?
🖤🖤
Right, like we all know, in Fannie Tucker's world, sex never works like you were taught in biology class. No siree. You're either getting nostril swived, dinosaur swived or as in this case, fruit/ veggie swived (does this mean she got healthy sex? so many questions).
So of cos there's really no plot per say to the novel, girl goes grocerry shopping, crosses evil crone, evil crone does some voodoo shit on her grocerries and wham you've got a fruit/vegetable, perishable/ non perishable sex fest. How does she think up this things though??
I'm just going to say that the Ashley character is nuts. I mean if my grocerries somehow came to life,I would definitely not be having a conversation and asking questions. Shoot first, ask questions later. Heck get the fuck out of that place, lock yourself in the bathroom or something don't go asking:
"what do you want from me?" and standing there when it says "to plant my seed. Rise woman give me what is mine"
All in all, fairly amusing smut though, shock level is fairly minimal. I made a drawing because why not:
Enjoy :)
Read
March 27, 2024Off to make a video explaining this one to my husband, send thoughts and prayers his way 🏃♀️😂🫡
April 3, 2024
Note: Some of my goodreads shelves can be spoilers
Overall: ⭐️⭐️
Readability: 📖📖📖📖 (It was short, which helped in immensely!)
Feels: 🦋🦋
Emotional Depth: 💔💔
Sexual Tension: ⚡⚡
Romance: 💞
Sensuality: 💋💋💋 (Me, attempting to think about how sensual was it when the yogurt shoots from the cucumber 😆
Sex Scene Length: 🍑🍑🍑 (It’s basically a short story with one sex scene)
Steam Scale (Number of Sex Scenes): 🔥
Humor: Ummmm YES but I was laughing at it and not with it...
Perspective: Third person from the heroine
More character focused or plot focused? umm character??
How did the speed of the story feel? fast
When mains are first on page together: It actually felt like forever before she met THE GROCERIES (about 32% into the short story)
Cliffhanger: No? This ends on a supposed happy for now, but it’s not with the groceries
Epilogue: No
Format: read an e-book version through kindle unlimited
(Descriptions found at end of my review)
Should I read in order?
No, you don’t have to read in any order and you also shouldn’t read this at all.
Basic plot:
After Ashley acts like a twat at the grocery store, a clever woman curses her to get fucked by her groceries
Give this a try if you want:
- my god, I’m not sure I can entice you here…
- a tongue made of ham?
- a yogurt slinging cucumber?
- maybe you are trying to budget and are about to go grocery shopping and want to lose your appetite?
- human heroine/hero made of literal groceries
Ages:
- Nothing mentioned. The groceries were fresh though!
First line:
Raising the gun, she gripped it with both hands to keep the barrel steady.
My thoughts:
Okay – this one is AWFUL. I have read some weird shit, but this one is one of the worst (along with one of the dinosaur porn ones…). Laughable the whole way through, cringing, maybe some dry heaving. The ending was ridiculous. The whole thing was absurd...I want to go back to who I was when I was just reading about fucking doors and coats.
Cock/Hero Stats:
Quotes/thoughts: (Any mistakes are my own)
Content warnings: (This should be taken as a minimum because I could have missed some!)
Locations of kisses/intimate scenes:
Extra stuff like what my review breakdowns mean, where to find me, and book clubs
reaction thread
Overall: ⭐️⭐️
Readability: 📖📖📖📖 (It was short, which helped in immensely!)
Feels: 🦋🦋
Emotional Depth: 💔💔
Sexual Tension: ⚡⚡
Romance: 💞
Sensuality: 💋💋💋 (Me, attempting to think about how sensual was it when the yogurt shoots from the cucumber 😆
Sex Scene Length: 🍑🍑🍑 (It’s basically a short story with one sex scene)
Steam Scale (Number of Sex Scenes): 🔥
Humor: Ummmm YES but I was laughing at it and not with it...
Perspective: Third person from the heroine
More character focused or plot focused? umm character??
How did the speed of the story feel? fast
When mains are first on page together: It actually felt like forever before she met THE GROCERIES (about 32% into the short story)
Cliffhanger: No? This ends on a supposed happy for now, but it’s not with the groceries
Epilogue: No
Format: read an e-book version through kindle unlimited
(Descriptions found at end of my review)
Should I read in order?
No, you don’t have to read in any order and you also shouldn’t read this at all.
Basic plot:
After Ashley acts like a twat at the grocery store, a clever woman curses her to get fucked by her groceries
Give this a try if you want:
- my god, I’m not sure I can entice you here…
- a tongue made of ham?
- a yogurt slinging cucumber?
- maybe you are trying to budget and are about to go grocery shopping and want to lose your appetite?
- human heroine/hero made of literal groceries
Ages:
- Nothing mentioned. The groceries were fresh though!
First line:
Raising the gun, she gripped it with both hands to keep the barrel steady.
My thoughts:
Okay – this one is AWFUL. I have read some weird shit, but this one is one of the worst (along with one of the dinosaur porn ones…). Laughable the whole way through, cringing, maybe some dry heaving. The ending was ridiculous. The whole thing was absurd...I want to go back to who I was when I was just reading about fucking doors and coats.
Cock/Hero Stats:
Quotes/thoughts: (Any mistakes are my own)
Content warnings: (This should be taken as a minimum because I could have missed some!)
Locations of kisses/intimate scenes:
Extra stuff like what my review breakdowns mean, where to find me, and book clubs
reaction thread
January 13, 2024
I was torn rating this one.
First, it is very well written; vivid descriptions giving an immersive feel as you read what can best be called a short story/scene.
Secondly, and something I find terribly annoying, the story really only makes up half of the reported book length. Ending at the 67% mark, the balance is self promoting previews of the author's other publications. I get doing some promotionals but, for God's sake stop exaggerating the size of the book when the text only makes up half!
The story is a weird one. However the plot is well considered, aligning the venue with the culturally prevalent voodoo aspect that sets the stage for the illicit affair with her groceries (no, not exactly as gutter minds will will leap to).
Quirky and fun story. Only detractor was the aforementioned, and VERY annoying, false flag as to the story length in favor of dedication half the file to advertizing.
First, it is very well written; vivid descriptions giving an immersive feel as you read what can best be called a short story/scene.
Secondly, and something I find terribly annoying, the story really only makes up half of the reported book length. Ending at the 67% mark, the balance is self promoting previews of the author's other publications. I get doing some promotionals but, for God's sake stop exaggerating the size of the book when the text only makes up half!
The story is a weird one. However the plot is well considered, aligning the venue with the culturally prevalent voodoo aspect that sets the stage for the illicit affair with her groceries (no, not exactly as gutter minds will will leap to).
Quirky and fun story. Only detractor was the aforementioned, and VERY annoying, false flag as to the story length in favor of dedication half the file to advertizing.
December 28, 2022
Sexy, am I right?
Well, if this does it for then you should be in for a real treat with this one.
And would you be surprised if I told you that I read this because the MacHalo deviants forced me to?
Well, if you are you shouldn't be. That's just how MacHalos roll.
**Disclaimer: This is 4 star monster smut rating, not to be confused with a 4 star non-monster porn book.
Read
February 20, 2024I don't even know how to rate something like this lol!
June 6, 2016
rotfl...I can't get the image of this monster out of my head and I can't stop myself from laughing every time I think of him. This is definitely weird.
Thank you Fannie Tucker for brightening my day. I truly appreciate it.
Thank you Fannie Tucker for brightening my day. I truly appreciate it.
February 2, 2024
Ponios ir ponios, mes pagaliau pasiekėm naują kliteratūros lygį, kuriame vudu burtais užkerėtas maisto pirkinių krepšelis terorizuoja namų šeimininkes 😭.
Knygos apžvalgos video rasite mano IG / TIKTOK: u.caspo 🫡
Knygos apžvalgos video rasite mano IG / TIKTOK: u.caspo 🫡
Read
November 12, 2024truly I have no shame at this point - this was…something
Thank you Chloe for reading this with me solely so I have someone to talk to about it😂
Thank you Chloe for reading this with me solely so I have someone to talk to about it😂
September 4, 2024
Forever on my mission to read all the wtf romances out there.
This was something else tho 😂. Iceberg lettuce face with a mouth? With a cucumber 🍆 that ejaculates yoghurt? Why gods why
This was something else tho 😂. Iceberg lettuce face with a mouth? With a cucumber 🍆 that ejaculates yoghurt? Why gods why
April 28, 2024
Jag saknar vampyrerna i sin murder-van och tar tillbaka allt illa jag sagt om påskhare-boken. Den här boken sänkte inte bara ribban utan den grävde ner den 😅
Read
September 26, 2023This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read and I’ll be laughing for days.
March 29, 2024
Truly THE most profound literature I’ve ever read. On my way to get some groceries now.
Read
August 29, 2024This one’s for you Meaghan…. For some odd reason I thought it couldn’t get worse than the Deviled Egg man. Well, I was wrong…
March 3, 2024
You know what? Good for her.
August 25, 2017
2.5
*Book source ~ Kindle Unlimited
Ashley Dubois is a rich, but bored and neglected housewife. When she pisses off an old lady, something very strange happens to her.
What. In the fuck. Did I just read? I never ever thought I would need to include groceries as a monster, but folks, here it is. With a little voodoo magic, Ashley’s groceries become a man. This story does not contain a zucchini, but it does prominently feature a rather large cucumber. So, Zaka, the demigod of fertility and harvest, puts it to good use on Ashley. I think I may now have read it all.
Notes: The first 12% is an excerpt for…this story. Seriously?! Then the story ends at 69%. Again, seriously?! No. Stop it. In addition, Zaka’s balls are first nectarines and then plums. Poor guy was downgraded on the balls, but not upgraded on the cock. The cucumber remains a cucumber. And that wasn’t the only problem. Just remember: Editing is your friend.
*Book source ~ Kindle Unlimited
Ashley Dubois is a rich, but bored and neglected housewife. When she pisses off an old lady, something very strange happens to her.
What. In the fuck. Did I just read? I never ever thought I would need to include groceries as a monster, but folks, here it is. With a little voodoo magic, Ashley’s groceries become a man. This story does not contain a zucchini, but it does prominently feature a rather large cucumber. So, Zaka, the demigod of fertility and harvest, puts it to good use on Ashley. I think I may now have read it all.
Notes: The first 12% is an excerpt for…this story. Seriously?! Then the story ends at 69%. Again, seriously?! No. Stop it. In addition, Zaka’s balls are first nectarines and then plums. Poor guy was downgraded on the balls, but not upgraded on the cock. The cucumber remains a cucumber. And that wasn’t the only problem. Just remember: Editing is your friend.
April 1, 2024
Yeah this was pretty stupid of me to read but had to do it for the hehe’s and the plot. All in all let it be known grocery monsters aren’t sexy. Kathryn you said let you know if this is any good…. It’s not.
April 22, 2017
3 stars for....I don't know. If you are a fan of groceries and sex this book is for you.
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