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Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture and What We Can Do about It
Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s arrest. Congressman Todd Akin’s “legitimate” gaffe. The alleged rape crew of Steubenville, Ohio. Sexual violence has been so prominent in recent years that the feminist term “rape culture” has finally entered the mainstream. But what, exactly, is it? And how do we change it?
In Asking for It, Kate Harding answers those questions in the same blunt, bullshit-free voice that’s made her a powerhouse feminist blogger. Combining in-depth research with practical knowledge, Asking for It makes the case that twenty-first century America—where it’s estimated that out of every 100 rapes only 5 result in felony convictions—supports rapists more effectively than victims. Harding offers ideas and suggestions for addressing how we as a culture can take rape much more seriously without compromising the rights of the accused.
In Asking for It, Kate Harding answers those questions in the same blunt, bullshit-free voice that’s made her a powerhouse feminist blogger. Combining in-depth research with practical knowledge, Asking for It makes the case that twenty-first century America—where it’s estimated that out of every 100 rapes only 5 result in felony convictions—supports rapists more effectively than victims. Harding offers ideas and suggestions for addressing how we as a culture can take rape much more seriously without compromising the rights of the accused.
261 pages, Paperback
First published December 9, 2014
About the author
Kate Harding
11 books213 followersKate Harding is author of Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture—and What We Can Do About It. She co-authored The Book of Jezebel and Lessons from the Fat-o-Sphere: Quit Dieting and Declare a Truce with Your Body and founded what was for a time the internet’s most popular body acceptance blog, Shapely Prose. She has contributed to numerous online publications, including Salon, Jezebel, The Guardian, and the L.A. Times, and published essays in the anthologies Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape (a Publishers Weekly Best Book of 2009), Feed Me: Writers Dish About Food, Eating, Weight and Body Image, and Madonna and Me: Women Writers on the Queen of Pop.
A graduate of the University of Toronto and the MFA in writing program at Vermont College of Fine Arts, Kate is currently a Ph.D. candidate in the low-residency creative writing program at Bath Spa University. She lives in Minneapolis with her husband and two dogs.
A graduate of the University of Toronto and the MFA in writing program at Vermont College of Fine Arts, Kate is currently a Ph.D. candidate in the low-residency creative writing program at Bath Spa University. She lives in Minneapolis with her husband and two dogs.
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March 22, 2019
Just a week before I saw this book, I had a shocking moment of self-awareness. I was reading a post on an internet forum site called Reddit about someone feeling guilty about cheating on his girlfriend. A man described a night which involved him going to a female friend's house, being plied with drinks, getting completely wasted, and subsequently being persuaded into having sex with her.
My initial thought: typical guy trying to weasel out of cheating.
First comment under his post: Mate, you were raped.
Second comment switched the gender pronouns in the story. Now it read that a female had gone to a male friend's house, been plied with drinks and persuaded to have sex.
All of a sudden, it looked like sexual assault.
I was disgusted with myself. Not knowing anything about this man, or his situation, I had brushed aside his experience by forcing it to fit my stereotypical ideas about male behaviour. That he also did not see it as a sexual assault hardly made me feel better, as it suggests a larger problem in identifying appropriate/inappropriate sexual relations, even when you are the one experiencing it.
If asked, I would have said that i'm not that kind of person. That when it comes to sex, I know what's right and what's wrong, I believe everybody has the right to say no at any point, and that I would never blame the victim for the rape.
But apparently I am not who I thought I was.
With this playing on my mind, I picked up Asking for It. It's an excellent break down of how rape is conceived in society. It's something that every young person should read, that every person should read. Intellectually, I agreed with almost everything Harding was saying, but I had still been dismissive of an example of a male not being able to give real consent. Perhaps if I hadn't read that post and had come to this book with my surety about my own capability to assess human behaviour intact, I would not have been as aware about how important books like this are. I wouldn't have seen so clearly the danger in being convinced of your own morality- it makes you comfortable with your assumptions, when you should instead be aware of the fragility of your understanding. This book helps you to that place, making you think about how your 'knowledge' is formed and what evidence you have for it. Why do I see something this way and not that way? Am I wrong? How will I know? When it comes to sex, it should be simple. Has this person given consent and are they able to do so? If not, don't do it, it's not right. And if you're tying to add some kind of qualification- 'but what about'... then take a long, hard look at where it is you're going with that, because what you're saying is that no doesn't always mean no...for some people, at some times, if...., when...., because... And it's all bullshit.
Harding shows the incredible lengths society goes to in order to explain away rape. Some of the examples, I'd heard before, others were new, but in concert they provide a chilling picture. On the one hand, we have men as irrational beasts who need to be stopped from raping, like it's their biologically rendered default setting, and they just can't help it, you know? The good old 'boys will be boys' idea taken to its most extreme form. On the other, the victims who just don't seem to be trying hard enough to stop them, and therefore deserve everything they get. Sexy knickers? Asking for it. Gang raped at a party? Well she had some drinks, so... probably asking for it. Raped by someone important or popular or famous? Lying for attention. Boys/men being sexually assaulted? Brushed away because THAT doesn't happen. Be a man... Stop being so emotional. ON and on and on. Experiences ignored, minimised, denied. Whatever it takes to preserve the status quo and the rights of the privileged- this whole apparatus of rejection that is all around us every day. So much that we often don't see it, even in ourselves.
But how to combat this pervasive gender stereotyping? I'd just proved to myself that I wasn't immune to its effects. Perhaps in reading books like this, in identifying our own patterns of thought and challenging them every time we come across a new bit of information. We have to evaluate sources everyday- in real life and on the internet- so perhaps we need to think more broadly about what we see and hear. Fact check. Look at other opinions. Look at the evidence. Have a warning sound in our minds that goes off each time we think 'oh, it's just this type of person doing this type of thing'. Just one moment of understanding can create a desire to improve ourselves, it has for me.
So read this book because it displays all the ways in which rape victims are let down by society and also because it will make you think about whether you are part of the problem.
Many thanks to Kate Harding, Netgalley and Perseus Books Group for this copy in exchange for an honest review.
My initial thought: typical guy trying to weasel out of cheating.
First comment under his post: Mate, you were raped.
Second comment switched the gender pronouns in the story. Now it read that a female had gone to a male friend's house, been plied with drinks and persuaded to have sex.
All of a sudden, it looked like sexual assault.
I was disgusted with myself. Not knowing anything about this man, or his situation, I had brushed aside his experience by forcing it to fit my stereotypical ideas about male behaviour. That he also did not see it as a sexual assault hardly made me feel better, as it suggests a larger problem in identifying appropriate/inappropriate sexual relations, even when you are the one experiencing it.
If asked, I would have said that i'm not that kind of person. That when it comes to sex, I know what's right and what's wrong, I believe everybody has the right to say no at any point, and that I would never blame the victim for the rape.
But apparently I am not who I thought I was.
With this playing on my mind, I picked up Asking for It. It's an excellent break down of how rape is conceived in society. It's something that every young person should read, that every person should read. Intellectually, I agreed with almost everything Harding was saying, but I had still been dismissive of an example of a male not being able to give real consent. Perhaps if I hadn't read that post and had come to this book with my surety about my own capability to assess human behaviour intact, I would not have been as aware about how important books like this are. I wouldn't have seen so clearly the danger in being convinced of your own morality- it makes you comfortable with your assumptions, when you should instead be aware of the fragility of your understanding. This book helps you to that place, making you think about how your 'knowledge' is formed and what evidence you have for it. Why do I see something this way and not that way? Am I wrong? How will I know? When it comes to sex, it should be simple. Has this person given consent and are they able to do so? If not, don't do it, it's not right. And if you're tying to add some kind of qualification- 'but what about'... then take a long, hard look at where it is you're going with that, because what you're saying is that no doesn't always mean no...for some people, at some times, if...., when...., because... And it's all bullshit.
Harding shows the incredible lengths society goes to in order to explain away rape. Some of the examples, I'd heard before, others were new, but in concert they provide a chilling picture. On the one hand, we have men as irrational beasts who need to be stopped from raping, like it's their biologically rendered default setting, and they just can't help it, you know? The good old 'boys will be boys' idea taken to its most extreme form. On the other, the victims who just don't seem to be trying hard enough to stop them, and therefore deserve everything they get. Sexy knickers? Asking for it. Gang raped at a party? Well she had some drinks, so... probably asking for it. Raped by someone important or popular or famous? Lying for attention. Boys/men being sexually assaulted? Brushed away because THAT doesn't happen. Be a man... Stop being so emotional. ON and on and on. Experiences ignored, minimised, denied. Whatever it takes to preserve the status quo and the rights of the privileged- this whole apparatus of rejection that is all around us every day. So much that we often don't see it, even in ourselves.
But how to combat this pervasive gender stereotyping? I'd just proved to myself that I wasn't immune to its effects. Perhaps in reading books like this, in identifying our own patterns of thought and challenging them every time we come across a new bit of information. We have to evaluate sources everyday- in real life and on the internet- so perhaps we need to think more broadly about what we see and hear. Fact check. Look at other opinions. Look at the evidence. Have a warning sound in our minds that goes off each time we think 'oh, it's just this type of person doing this type of thing'. Just one moment of understanding can create a desire to improve ourselves, it has for me.
So read this book because it displays all the ways in which rape victims are let down by society and also because it will make you think about whether you are part of the problem.
Many thanks to Kate Harding, Netgalley and Perseus Books Group for this copy in exchange for an honest review.
February 15, 2021
"For as much as feminists are painted as "man-haters", we're not the ones suggesting that boys and men lack the ability to think rationally, control their own behavior, or act kindly toward other human beings - even with a boner. We're the ones who want all of our children to know about meaningful consent, healthy sexuality, and honoring each other's bodies and boundaries, instead of teaching them that one gender is responsible for managing the other's helpless animal lust."
Upon reading Asking for It, I was primarily faced with this question : Is it the right time to read this, when the news are already so fucking bleak every day? And then I realized that maybe there was no such thing as a "right time". I'm not gonna lie, all this hateful climate in the news affects me, and friends often tell me - with good intentions - that I shouldn't let offensive, idiotic (either political or ethical) decisions or statements hurt me. But the thing is, I hope I will never say, hey, that sucks, but that's how things are.
I welcome my anger and sadness because no, they're not sterile.
They mean that I, as an individual, do not agree with the bullshit I hear or read.
They mean that I, as an individual, do not accept the permanence or even pertinence of such statements.
They mean that even though I look pessimistic as hell, there must be some part of me who's optimistic enough to say that no, it's not okay and yes, we can change it.
While I may go through pessimistic stages, I don't want these stages to help spread bullshit. Take teachers, for example (I am one, so no, I'm not choosing a category of people to blame - I merely talk about what is more familiar to me) : before meeting your new class for the year, you'll often find a teacher* to tell you that,
" You know, you can't do anything more for X. Don't bother trying."
X being that kid, in the back raw, who often faces several learning disorders that either are a)not diagnosed or b)blatantly ignored when they're not c)mocked, or even d)dismissed as laziness or provocation (because not being able to spell would look like a provocation for a child. REALLY)
I wish I was generalizing.
So, let's come back to this statement : You can't do anything more for this kid. This 9 YEARS OLD kid (or even younger - often younger, actually).
Appalling, right? We can agree on that, right?
The thing is : for me, when it comes to rape culture, people's reaction often follows the same pattern, as if traditions (more like myths) were set in tables of stone and that our society would never ever change because we can't change it. Well. On that I'll give the same answer than I do when people argue that we should wait for industrials to take full responsibility for greenhouse gas emissions** before considering making adjustments in our personal lives :
1) Do you live on Earth?
2) Can you change something in your lifestyle - even a detail - that would reduce your ecological footprint?
Yeah? So WHY DON'T YOU. As with rape culture, it also revolves around a vicious circle that gives industrials and politics the opportunity they need to say - SEE! PEOPLE DON'T CARE! WHY SHOULD WE?***
When we refuse to acknowledge the existence of these issues, we're basically telling people who break the law a billion times that they can go on because we really do not care. Of course, as I said, everybody can participate in its own way and I'm not saying that everybody should read that book or follow that blog or watch that documentary because that would be annoying. I'm not saying that I'm perfect either, and that I know everything, because it would make me a liar (and also, a lousy human being).
"Rape is a thing that happens, sure, but it's not really something people do. Certainly, not that nice boy, that star quarterback, that beloved priest, that trusted babysitter, that troop leader, that teacher, that dear family friend.
It's as though none of us ever learned about "passive voice" in freshman comp. She was raped. Local woman raped. Girl, 11, raped in an abandoned trailer. Who's doing all the raping here? Incubi? If nobody's actually committing rape, how are we supposed to address it as a public health and safety issue?
Oh, right, by giving women endless lists of acceptable behaviors and warnings about personal responsibility, for as long as it takes until those dummies get it together and quit becoming victims."
- I love her sarcastic voice.
It can be telling that asshole over there that nope, groping women's breasts is not remotely funny. Neither it is normal, or inherent to male genetics (how can ANY man agree with that without feeling denigrated is beyond me). We need decent bystanders. Male AND female.
"In the meantime, though, it's worth remembering that in every one of the gang rapes I wrote about earlier in the chapter, there were not just people who participated and people who watched : there were also people who walked away, not wanting to be a part of it yet somehow not feeling empowered to stop it."
It can be answering a parent who tells you that his daughter sucks at Maths (or his son sucks at creative writing) because "you know, girls and Maths" that no, you really do not know.
It can be refusing slut-shaming as a rule including in a work of fiction because we can never separate reality and fiction entirely. Bullshit sure doesn't fear boundaries.
It can be teaching your kids that education is important because no, neither vaginas nor ovulation can "shut down" in case of rape.
It can be calling people on their shit when they propagate a Rape Myth like, "she asked for it" or "she is lying" (or he, in the case of a man being raped) or "sleep means consent" or "a victim must behave in a certain way" etc.
"Imagine if every pedestrian who reported being hit by a car were thoroughly investigated for evidence of suicidality, while the driver's claim of "I didn't see him there" would be reason enough to drop any charges."
It can be so many things.
What I'm merely saying is : admittedly, Asking for It won't be ground-breaking for you if you read a few books about rape culture before, because most of the facts and studies here have already been discussed elsewhere. Sometimes, though, this is not what matters to me. Sometimes what matters to me is that somebody cares - somebody tries.
And you know what? Things ARE changing. At a snail pace, sure, but they are. My little sister is way more informed on rape culture than I was at her age (and it's an understatement, really). It's not much, but it's SOMETHING, and if we dismiss these little progressions we are basically saying that it's a lost cause.
I am not remotely okay with saying that fighting rape culture is a lost cause.
"But if you've been alive longer than a few years on planet Earth, you have some ability to recognize bullshit. You should feel free to use it."
* You'll also find many teachers who will not buy that bullshit, fortunately.
** Granted, if you think that global warming is a scam created by the vile scientists around the world because of REASONS (??!!?), then my argument won't speak to you.
*** This rhetoric is often presented as "blaming individuals". Again, it's not the point. It doesn't mean industrials and governments don't have anything to do, or that individual responsibility is greater - it only means that if we're going to argue that we're sensible adults, we should well start acting like ones.
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November 26, 2022
I wish I lived in a country where my politicians didn’t say things like…
“Rape is kinda like the weather. If it’s inevitable, relax and enjoy it.” ~Clayton Williams, Texas
“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that thing down.” ~Todd Akin, Missouri
“Rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.” ~Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania
“Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen.” ~Richard Mourdock, Indiana
…but I don’t.
I wish I could turn on the television and not hear things like…
"I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape.” ~Whoopie Goldberg on Roman Polanski vaginally and anally penetrating a 13 year old girl
or…
“The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents. He didn't have to go to school. He could run around and do whatever he wanted.” ~Bill O’Reilly on the kidnapping and repeated raping of a 15 year old boy
…but I can’t.
I wish people would believe Dylan Farrow when she writes…
“…when I was seven years old, Woody Allen took me by the hand and led me into a dim, closet-like attic on the second floor of our house. He told me to lay on my stomach and play with my brother’s electric train set. Then he sexually assaulted me. He talked to me while he did it, whispering that I was a good girl, that this was our secret, promising that we’d go to Paris and I’d be a star in his movies.”
…but they don’t.
I wish the term “Rape Culture” was a ludicrous exaggeration…
…but it isn’t.
Kate Harding writes with both fervor and exasperation. Published in 2015, Asking For It predates Harvey Weinstein and #MeToo and the 2016 election of our “grab ‘em by the p*ssy” POTUS.
I wish the people that most needed to read this had actually read this, but they didn’t, and they haven’t, and they won’t.
“Rape is kinda like the weather. If it’s inevitable, relax and enjoy it.” ~Clayton Williams, Texas
“If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to shut that thing down.” ~Todd Akin, Missouri
“Rape victims should make the best of a bad situation.” ~Rick Santorum, Pennsylvania
“Even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that God intended to happen.” ~Richard Mourdock, Indiana
…but I don’t.
I wish I could turn on the television and not hear things like…
"I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape.” ~Whoopie Goldberg on Roman Polanski vaginally and anally penetrating a 13 year old girl
or…
“The situation here for this kid looks to me to be a lot more fun than what he had under his old parents. He didn't have to go to school. He could run around and do whatever he wanted.” ~Bill O’Reilly on the kidnapping and repeated raping of a 15 year old boy
…but I can’t.
I wish people would believe Dylan Farrow when she writes…
“…when I was seven years old, Woody Allen took me by the hand and led me into a dim, closet-like attic on the second floor of our house. He told me to lay on my stomach and play with my brother’s electric train set. Then he sexually assaulted me. He talked to me while he did it, whispering that I was a good girl, that this was our secret, promising that we’d go to Paris and I’d be a star in his movies.”
…but they don’t.
I wish the term “Rape Culture” was a ludicrous exaggeration…
…but it isn’t.
Kate Harding writes with both fervor and exasperation. Published in 2015, Asking For It predates Harvey Weinstein and #MeToo and the 2016 election of our “grab ‘em by the p*ssy” POTUS.
I wish the people that most needed to read this had actually read this, but they didn’t, and they haven’t, and they won’t.
May 1, 2016
I have put off reviewing this book, despite having finished it days ago, because... reasons. There's so much I want to say and I don't even know where to start, and so many of the thoughts running through my head make me so angry and hopeless... it's just a bit daunting. But I hate having unreviewed books hanging over my head, so here goes the ramble...
I've never thought of myself as a feminist. I didn't give feminism much thought at all until very recently, honestly. I love the progress that women have made in the last century, and I want to continue it... but to me, men and women being equal just seems to be the way shit should be, and I shouldn't have to label myself as something in order to think that.
But the last few books on this topic that I've read have changed me. This is especially true of Jessica Valenti's book, The Purity Myth, which has made me see things so much differently. They've changed the way that I think about society, and the way that I think about men and women as groups, and the way that I think about the expectations of each. For example, one of my coworkers shared a video with me showing a Scottish father teasing his 4 or 5 year old daughter about never allowing her to have a boyfriend, and how she's going to become a nun and work for Jesus. She thought it was funny and had even tagged her husband because it reminded her of him. A month ago, and I would have thought it was hilarious - the teasing, the accents, the little girl's indignation, the father's deadpan delivery, it all worked. Now, I can see the humor on the surface, but really... it's just disturbing to me. I get that it's supposed to be a joke. I get that it's supposed to be ironic. But I can't help but see there's a dark undertone of misogyny and paternalism, and I can't help but want to be like "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE PERPETUATING HERE?"
But I refrain. That's the wrong way to go about it, even though I want to scream about it. I know that would just backfire and make people see the exact things that they want to see: shrill harpy, no sense of humor, militant feminist. That'd give people a reason to discount and ignore the point.
And It's not just men. Women who think that they are helping, that they are progressive and teaching their sons how to be "men", are actually doing just as much damage. They are teaching their sons that women aren't to be respected, that they are just sluts and troublemakers, etc. This, too, perpetuates this misogyny. And again... it's women teaching their sons how to do it.
An example: I see comments like this all the time, in some form or another on Facebook... "If my son ever brought some trashy girl over, I would drag her out of the house by her hair and make sure to post a video of it so all the other little bitches know to stay away because "[boy]'s mom is crazy". "
They say this to show that they are "protecting" their sons - as though they are the ones at higher risk of being violated. Then they go on to say how they "teach their sons to respect women". I just read that and have to shake my head because what they are REALLY teaching their sons is how only SOME girls deserve respect, and that those who don't make the cut are just little whores who deserve to be treated like shit. The fact that these women are behaving like exactly the type of person they think they're protecting their sons from ("trash") is apparently lost on them.
*sigh* It's so disheartening. It's the kind of mentality that teaches boys that girls are all just sluts and whores (unless they are virginal and 100% proper in every regard) and who are, as they say, asking for it. Why should boys treat them well, when their own mothers, their main female role models, wouldn't?
It just perpetuates this myth that girls who dress a certain way, or act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or hang out with boys, or stay out late, or get high or drunk, or any number of things that anyone might do, are "trashy" and aren't real victims if they're raped. If she didn't want to be raped, she wouldn't have been doing the things that society seems to deem as "risky" behavior, after all.
Before I started this book, I thought that it would be an interesting look at society and how it deals with quote/unquote "forcible rape". You know, the "Bad Guy lurking down a dark alley, grabs a girl and rapes her" type. But this book is so much more than that. It talks about the way men are raised to see women as objects rather than people, about laws governing consent, about double standards, about the very definition of rape, victim blaming, perpetrator defending, false accusations and how hard it is to prosecute most rapes. It talks about the way that women think and behave differently in order to make their risk of being raped lower. It talks about how law enforcement often handles rape investigations incorrectly, and how TV and movies fetishize rape. It talks about rape jokes, male rape, date rape, relationship/marriage rape, "Gray" rape, "Rape" rape, and how all of these distinctions are just red herrings because rape - all rape - is simply one person taking away another's right to their bodily autonomy.
I say "simply" but it's anything but simple. I have never been "forcibly-held-down-and-raped" raped. But as I was listening to this book, I realized that some of the sexual experiences that I've had in my life actually were rape. That's a very shitty thing to realize about my life. It shows just how much rape culture has infiltrated my ideas of sex, desirability, responsibility, sexual expectations, and consent. And I think it shows how much it has affected men as well, because I can pretty much guarantee that the guys involved would swear on a stack of bibles that they didn't know that what they were doing was rape, and that they would never rape anyone. Of course, what they'd mean is that they'd never "forcibly-hold-down-and-rape" rape anyone.
A close friend of mine told me recently that during her relationship with her kids' father, he would routinely force himself on her if she wasn't in the mood for sex. She hated him for that... but she never considered it rape. She thought that since she was in a relationship, that they had kids together, and she had obviously agreed to have sex with him previously, that she couldn't be raped by him. She never mentioned it to anyone because she thought that she'd be blamed for not "putting out" enough to keep him happy, and so she hated herself, too.
It wasn't until several years after her relationship ended, and she started with a new therapist who actually named what had happened to her as "rape" that she was able to come to terms with it and started telling people. Her story broke my heart. This woman is one of my best and closest friends, and is one of the strongest, most independent people I know, and for her to suffer this way for years, repeatedly raped by the person who was supposed to love and protect her, blaming herself for it and too ashamed or afraid (or both) to tell anyone... it just killed me.
These are the ways that rape culture makes victims of us all. We live in a society where we can be routinely violated and not even recognize that it is happening to us. We live in a society that only sees a victim if they are virginal, religious, forced at gunpoint or beaten up. We live in a society that thinks consent is a gray area, and that the failure to say no is the same as saying yes. (It's not.)
We need to do better as a society.
This book should be mandatory reading. Period.
PS. I will never listen to the song "Date Rape" the same way again.
I've never thought of myself as a feminist. I didn't give feminism much thought at all until very recently, honestly. I love the progress that women have made in the last century, and I want to continue it... but to me, men and women being equal just seems to be the way shit should be, and I shouldn't have to label myself as something in order to think that.
But the last few books on this topic that I've read have changed me. This is especially true of Jessica Valenti's book, The Purity Myth, which has made me see things so much differently. They've changed the way that I think about society, and the way that I think about men and women as groups, and the way that I think about the expectations of each. For example, one of my coworkers shared a video with me showing a Scottish father teasing his 4 or 5 year old daughter about never allowing her to have a boyfriend, and how she's going to become a nun and work for Jesus. She thought it was funny and had even tagged her husband because it reminded her of him. A month ago, and I would have thought it was hilarious - the teasing, the accents, the little girl's indignation, the father's deadpan delivery, it all worked. Now, I can see the humor on the surface, but really... it's just disturbing to me. I get that it's supposed to be a joke. I get that it's supposed to be ironic. But I can't help but see there's a dark undertone of misogyny and paternalism, and I can't help but want to be like "DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE PERPETUATING HERE?"
But I refrain. That's the wrong way to go about it, even though I want to scream about it. I know that would just backfire and make people see the exact things that they want to see: shrill harpy, no sense of humor, militant feminist. That'd give people a reason to discount and ignore the point.
And It's not just men. Women who think that they are helping, that they are progressive and teaching their sons how to be "men", are actually doing just as much damage. They are teaching their sons that women aren't to be respected, that they are just sluts and troublemakers, etc. This, too, perpetuates this misogyny. And again... it's women teaching their sons how to do it.
An example: I see comments like this all the time, in some form or another on Facebook... "If my son ever brought some trashy girl over, I would drag her out of the house by her hair and make sure to post a video of it so all the other little bitches know to stay away because "[boy]'s mom is crazy". "
They say this to show that they are "protecting" their sons - as though they are the ones at higher risk of being violated. Then they go on to say how they "teach their sons to respect women". I just read that and have to shake my head because what they are REALLY teaching their sons is how only SOME girls deserve respect, and that those who don't make the cut are just little whores who deserve to be treated like shit. The fact that these women are behaving like exactly the type of person they think they're protecting their sons from ("trash") is apparently lost on them.
*sigh* It's so disheartening. It's the kind of mentality that teaches boys that girls are all just sluts and whores (unless they are virginal and 100% proper in every regard) and who are, as they say, asking for it. Why should boys treat them well, when their own mothers, their main female role models, wouldn't?
It just perpetuates this myth that girls who dress a certain way, or act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or hang out with boys, or stay out late, or get high or drunk, or any number of things that anyone might do, are "trashy" and aren't real victims if they're raped. If she didn't want to be raped, she wouldn't have been doing the things that society seems to deem as "risky" behavior, after all.
Before I started this book, I thought that it would be an interesting look at society and how it deals with quote/unquote "forcible rape". You know, the "Bad Guy lurking down a dark alley, grabs a girl and rapes her" type. But this book is so much more than that. It talks about the way men are raised to see women as objects rather than people, about laws governing consent, about double standards, about the very definition of rape, victim blaming, perpetrator defending, false accusations and how hard it is to prosecute most rapes. It talks about the way that women think and behave differently in order to make their risk of being raped lower. It talks about how law enforcement often handles rape investigations incorrectly, and how TV and movies fetishize rape. It talks about rape jokes, male rape, date rape, relationship/marriage rape, "Gray" rape, "Rape" rape, and how all of these distinctions are just red herrings because rape - all rape - is simply one person taking away another's right to their bodily autonomy.
I say "simply" but it's anything but simple. I have never been "forcibly-held-down-and-raped" raped. But as I was listening to this book, I realized that some of the sexual experiences that I've had in my life actually were rape. That's a very shitty thing to realize about my life. It shows just how much rape culture has infiltrated my ideas of sex, desirability, responsibility, sexual expectations, and consent. And I think it shows how much it has affected men as well, because I can pretty much guarantee that the guys involved would swear on a stack of bibles that they didn't know that what they were doing was rape, and that they would never rape anyone. Of course, what they'd mean is that they'd never "forcibly-hold-down-and-rape" rape anyone.
A close friend of mine told me recently that during her relationship with her kids' father, he would routinely force himself on her if she wasn't in the mood for sex. She hated him for that... but she never considered it rape. She thought that since she was in a relationship, that they had kids together, and she had obviously agreed to have sex with him previously, that she couldn't be raped by him. She never mentioned it to anyone because she thought that she'd be blamed for not "putting out" enough to keep him happy, and so she hated herself, too.
It wasn't until several years after her relationship ended, and she started with a new therapist who actually named what had happened to her as "rape" that she was able to come to terms with it and started telling people. Her story broke my heart. This woman is one of my best and closest friends, and is one of the strongest, most independent people I know, and for her to suffer this way for years, repeatedly raped by the person who was supposed to love and protect her, blaming herself for it and too ashamed or afraid (or both) to tell anyone... it just killed me.
These are the ways that rape culture makes victims of us all. We live in a society where we can be routinely violated and not even recognize that it is happening to us. We live in a society that only sees a victim if they are virginal, religious, forced at gunpoint or beaten up. We live in a society that thinks consent is a gray area, and that the failure to say no is the same as saying yes. (It's not.)
We need to do better as a society.
This book should be mandatory reading. Period.
PS. I will never listen to the song "Date Rape" the same way again.
December 8, 2024
This came out in 2015, so there weren't as many high profile cases out there. Harding mentions the 25 reports of rape against Bill Cosby, but he hadn't been brought to justice yet and Weinstein is slso mentioned, but not yet tried for his crimes. The #MeToo movement was unheard of as of yet. And a president hadn't been newly elected who is a convicted rapist. Sadly, there were plenty of other cases for her to talk about.
She doesn't really talk about specific cases so much, though, but more about how we as a society blame the victim and assume that the women are lying about the worst thing that ever happened to them. I read this point of view in Jon Krakauer's book about the Missoula college town rapes and was startled by its common sense: believe the victim. We don't automatically make any other crime victim go up against such a gauntlet of disbelief, if you are robbed, no one says but you were asking for it wearing those expensive clothes or driving that nice car.
With rape, the victim has to prove themselves in the court of law, but also in the court of public opinion. She cited some harsh, barbaric examples: one a thirteen year old who was gang raped was asked by the defense attorney if she wasn't like the fly to the spider. By wearing provocative clothes and hanging around older teens, I guess she gave her consent to be brutally tortured and raped.
There have been more high profile cases lately such as the horrific story in France, in which the victim's husband drugged her and let strangers rape his comatose wife while he filmed it. The daughter of the victim believes she too was violated by her father. This went on for decades, over 50 men are on trial for the rapes. We live in a sick society with rapists continuing to get away with it, but Harding feels there is hope for the future and sites some examples in the final chapter.
She doesn't really talk about specific cases so much, though, but more about how we as a society blame the victim and assume that the women are lying about the worst thing that ever happened to them. I read this point of view in Jon Krakauer's book about the Missoula college town rapes and was startled by its common sense: believe the victim. We don't automatically make any other crime victim go up against such a gauntlet of disbelief, if you are robbed, no one says but you were asking for it wearing those expensive clothes or driving that nice car.
With rape, the victim has to prove themselves in the court of law, but also in the court of public opinion. She cited some harsh, barbaric examples: one a thirteen year old who was gang raped was asked by the defense attorney if she wasn't like the fly to the spider. By wearing provocative clothes and hanging around older teens, I guess she gave her consent to be brutally tortured and raped.
There have been more high profile cases lately such as the horrific story in France, in which the victim's husband drugged her and let strangers rape his comatose wife while he filmed it. The daughter of the victim believes she too was violated by her father. This went on for decades, over 50 men are on trial for the rapes. We live in a sick society with rapists continuing to get away with it, but Harding feels there is hope for the future and sites some examples in the final chapter.
September 3, 2015
This book was written in a form of a high school essay albeit a long winded one. Take someone else's work, quote – elaborate on it some and call it a day....Still the topic is well worth the time and effort of reading it, and I must say the review below is not short. In fact when you see it you'll most probably be like:
My answer – you fucking should be.
The cases described in this book are for the large part extremely well known cases, and in my opinion have been covered in better ways and from more angles by other people. I was expecting something innovative, at least a fresh approach, but the author didn't deliver anything that hasn't already been said by someone else. It did however present an accumulation of different points to present her case.
Rape culture is extremely real and although the author specifies the first time that it has been socially recognized as an ongoing widespread problem (by her accounting a few decades ago) the truth is women and men that didn't fit the certain socially desirable parameters of a virile, competent, manly male were targets of societal harassment throughout the ages. Assertion of sexual dominance still appeals to the animal side of humanity, as psychology will vouch for, no matter how hard we try to polish out the outer shell with the guise of civilization. As you grow in life you will be more and more aware that people are essentially not nice. They just talk more shit and pretend more in front of other people. The author herself couldn't have said it any better – Why in a culture that is so publicly outraged by sexual assault are so little advancements made to combat it and so few perpetrators behind bars? - Because in essence we are full of shit.
Social justice and it's ever-growing internet presence never seems to manage to get past social media rants and accusations of whomever isn't chanting the expected buzzwords. Very few people actually get their asses off their couches and out in the horrid world to make a change. But hey, they will sure as shit flay you alive if you say something that might be considered offensive to a minority they don't have to necessarily be a part of or even have to know anything about. It's not about what you DO, it has become more about what you SAY to the nameless, faceless mob of catchy usernames. Sexual assault has become a fucking hashtag. Rape is a buzz word. People's opinions on the matter seem to somehow be more important than being active in your community. ->To all the would be trolls that read this and get offended??? Blow it out your ass! On this subject I am
Truth is that people have become fearful of even questioning some things that are a hot topic in case they get prosecuted and bullied on social media. Remember Cecil the Lion? And the shrine? The dentist is a scumbag and should definitely face a penalty, but the bunch of idiots in front of his office that were out with the monologues about how animal life is sacred concluded their day by patting each other on the back and going out on a well deserved hamburger. You know, from a cow someone's slaughtered, so they can eat and stretch it's hide to wear trendy shoes. But hey – it's on Facebook so you gotta be seen to have the heart of gold, and those morals ripe enough to choke a horse...because animal life is sacred - Seems legit
As this book was about rape culture I was expecting quite a long elaborate piece on how our culture faces and presents the woman of the 21st century. You know- in everyday life. I was interested to see her take on the clash of modern feminists like herself and other popular female influences that proudly display their bodies in all it's glory and support the idea that a woman shouldn't be labelled for loving her body or the choice of her clothes (I am referring to pop culture), versus some other extremely popular feminist influences in modern culture like Anita Sarkeesian that say that by doing that women indulge in male sexual fantasies and are in fact not empowering themselves rather covertly trying to win male approval and by doing so perpetuate rape culture. Do you see where I am going with this??? Modern feminism sure as shit sends some mixed signals and no matter what your opinion is – if you voice it - somebody will tell you what an ignorant backward imbecile you are for having it.
When 50 Shades of Grey hit the shelves the world went mental, frothing at the mouth about rape culture. They were getting ready to lynch E.L. James for writing BDSM. Here's the thing -her book was ok, but as far as written erotica goes not that innovative, groundbreaking, earth-shattering or soul-splitting. In fact written erotica has a full sub-genre dedicated to dubious consent novels. Some of those would make E.L. James herself scramble for her smelling salts. Majority of those writers -are women, and majority of the readers of those novels – are women. So there is a demand for such fiction. A small example can be found here and as you can see the novel carries the exact same name as this particular work. The question I wanted to see addressed in this book was how far are people ready to push and limit freedom of speech, therefore the freedom of art itself for the sake of social justice? When you watch a TV show it is considered sufficient to have a warning of content at the beginning and people are left to their own devices. Nobody is judging your intelligence to process the content. You know it's a show. So why are other forms of art and entertainment held to different standards?
It is becoming painfully obvious that some feminist movements want to ban certain way of depicting women. Sexually submissive, provocatively dressed or sexually healthy women seem to have no more space in modern popular culture as more and more pressure is applied on artists in various branches of art to produce the more politically correct, conservatively dressed heroines that don't offend the delicate little feminine flowers on the consuming end. If we continue on that road the world will get nothing but similar content, viewed trough pink tinted glasses and the true problem of rape culture will remain. In fact it can only be worse because of limited speech. On the other side of the argument we have some truly important influences of young minds like pop stars, reality stars, movie and tv actors that seem to compete as to who can be seen in a more revealing outfit and proclaim that a woman's body is not to be shamed. Should we start burning books and demonizing creators of content that might possibly offend? Or should we work on educating people and allowing them the human courtesy by deeming them intelligent enough to understand what is in front of them and not openly assume that they are so limited in their understanding of right or wrong that they need someone e.i. you to filter the content.
These are only a few of the questions I wanted to read about once I started reading this book. They all relate to rape culture and modern feminism. None of them were truly answered. While reading it I stumbled on more issues I personally would like to talk about in depth but this is not a confessional. The rating for this book is this low simply because I have expected the author to bring more of herself to the pages, as it stood it just added a little to other people's work and read like a report.
My answer – you fucking should be.
The cases described in this book are for the large part extremely well known cases, and in my opinion have been covered in better ways and from more angles by other people. I was expecting something innovative, at least a fresh approach, but the author didn't deliver anything that hasn't already been said by someone else. It did however present an accumulation of different points to present her case.
Rape culture is extremely real and although the author specifies the first time that it has been socially recognized as an ongoing widespread problem (by her accounting a few decades ago) the truth is women and men that didn't fit the certain socially desirable parameters of a virile, competent, manly male were targets of societal harassment throughout the ages. Assertion of sexual dominance still appeals to the animal side of humanity, as psychology will vouch for, no matter how hard we try to polish out the outer shell with the guise of civilization. As you grow in life you will be more and more aware that people are essentially not nice. They just talk more shit and pretend more in front of other people. The author herself couldn't have said it any better – Why in a culture that is so publicly outraged by sexual assault are so little advancements made to combat it and so few perpetrators behind bars? - Because in essence we are full of shit.
Social justice and it's ever-growing internet presence never seems to manage to get past social media rants and accusations of whomever isn't chanting the expected buzzwords. Very few people actually get their asses off their couches and out in the horrid world to make a change. But hey, they will sure as shit flay you alive if you say something that might be considered offensive to a minority they don't have to necessarily be a part of or even have to know anything about. It's not about what you DO, it has become more about what you SAY to the nameless, faceless mob of catchy usernames. Sexual assault has become a fucking hashtag. Rape is a buzz word. People's opinions on the matter seem to somehow be more important than being active in your community. ->To all the would be trolls that read this and get offended??? Blow it out your ass! On this subject I am
Truth is that people have become fearful of even questioning some things that are a hot topic in case they get prosecuted and bullied on social media. Remember Cecil the Lion? And the shrine? The dentist is a scumbag and should definitely face a penalty, but the bunch of idiots in front of his office that were out with the monologues about how animal life is sacred concluded their day by patting each other on the back and going out on a well deserved hamburger. You know, from a cow someone's slaughtered, so they can eat and stretch it's hide to wear trendy shoes. But hey – it's on Facebook so you gotta be seen to have the heart of gold, and those morals ripe enough to choke a horse...because animal life is sacred - Seems legit
As this book was about rape culture I was expecting quite a long elaborate piece on how our culture faces and presents the woman of the 21st century. You know- in everyday life. I was interested to see her take on the clash of modern feminists like herself and other popular female influences that proudly display their bodies in all it's glory and support the idea that a woman shouldn't be labelled for loving her body or the choice of her clothes (I am referring to pop culture), versus some other extremely popular feminist influences in modern culture like Anita Sarkeesian that say that by doing that women indulge in male sexual fantasies and are in fact not empowering themselves rather covertly trying to win male approval and by doing so perpetuate rape culture. Do you see where I am going with this??? Modern feminism sure as shit sends some mixed signals and no matter what your opinion is – if you voice it - somebody will tell you what an ignorant backward imbecile you are for having it.
When 50 Shades of Grey hit the shelves the world went mental, frothing at the mouth about rape culture. They were getting ready to lynch E.L. James for writing BDSM. Here's the thing -her book was ok, but as far as written erotica goes not that innovative, groundbreaking, earth-shattering or soul-splitting. In fact written erotica has a full sub-genre dedicated to dubious consent novels. Some of those would make E.L. James herself scramble for her smelling salts. Majority of those writers -are women, and majority of the readers of those novels – are women. So there is a demand for such fiction. A small example can be found here and as you can see the novel carries the exact same name as this particular work. The question I wanted to see addressed in this book was how far are people ready to push and limit freedom of speech, therefore the freedom of art itself for the sake of social justice? When you watch a TV show it is considered sufficient to have a warning of content at the beginning and people are left to their own devices. Nobody is judging your intelligence to process the content. You know it's a show. So why are other forms of art and entertainment held to different standards?
It is becoming painfully obvious that some feminist movements want to ban certain way of depicting women. Sexually submissive, provocatively dressed or sexually healthy women seem to have no more space in modern popular culture as more and more pressure is applied on artists in various branches of art to produce the more politically correct, conservatively dressed heroines that don't offend the delicate little feminine flowers on the consuming end. If we continue on that road the world will get nothing but similar content, viewed trough pink tinted glasses and the true problem of rape culture will remain. In fact it can only be worse because of limited speech. On the other side of the argument we have some truly important influences of young minds like pop stars, reality stars, movie and tv actors that seem to compete as to who can be seen in a more revealing outfit and proclaim that a woman's body is not to be shamed. Should we start burning books and demonizing creators of content that might possibly offend? Or should we work on educating people and allowing them the human courtesy by deeming them intelligent enough to understand what is in front of them and not openly assume that they are so limited in their understanding of right or wrong that they need someone e.i. you to filter the content.
These are only a few of the questions I wanted to read about once I started reading this book. They all relate to rape culture and modern feminism. None of them were truly answered. While reading it I stumbled on more issues I personally would like to talk about in depth but this is not a confessional. The rating for this book is this low simply because I have expected the author to bring more of herself to the pages, as it stood it just added a little to other people's work and read like a report.
February 29, 2016
I've been a big fan of Kate Harding's writing for several years now, mostly as it appeared on her now-mostly-defunct blog, Shapely Prose, but her first full-length book was a disappointment to me. That, coupled with the fact that I read this on the heels of a couple of books on similar topics, made me a bit wary to pick this one up. Now that I have, though, I'm very glad I did.
Asking for It provides a lot of the same depressing statistics as other books on the subject of rape; where it differs is its tone. Simply put, Harding's humor, irreverence, sarcasm, and way with words make this almost fun to read, while at the same time effectively addressing the various issues a rape culture gives rise to: ridiculous politicians, so-called men's rights activists, clueless treatment in the news, clueless treatment by police officers, clueless treatment in pop culture, etc. The book also dives right in and discusses the "problem" of consent in a much more thorough and persuasive way than I've seen anyplace else. Some of the arguments she makes here have stuck with me months later, and I suspect always will.
Another way this book differs from others is that each chapter offers suggestions for how to combat the problems outlined therein. This has the effect of offering some hope, which is sorely needed when discussing topics like rape. I know some people object to Harding's irreverence and salty language, but if you're not put off by either of those things, I would probably recommend this book about rape above all the others currently available.
Asking for It provides a lot of the same depressing statistics as other books on the subject of rape; where it differs is its tone. Simply put, Harding's humor, irreverence, sarcasm, and way with words make this almost fun to read, while at the same time effectively addressing the various issues a rape culture gives rise to: ridiculous politicians, so-called men's rights activists, clueless treatment in the news, clueless treatment by police officers, clueless treatment in pop culture, etc. The book also dives right in and discusses the "problem" of consent in a much more thorough and persuasive way than I've seen anyplace else. Some of the arguments she makes here have stuck with me months later, and I suspect always will.
Another way this book differs from others is that each chapter offers suggestions for how to combat the problems outlined therein. This has the effect of offering some hope, which is sorely needed when discussing topics like rape. I know some people object to Harding's irreverence and salty language, but if you're not put off by either of those things, I would probably recommend this book about rape above all the others currently available.
April 10, 2019
I listened to this audio over the course of two days last August while driving back and forth to Maine. I bookmarked quotes and upon finishing, I felt I needed a few weeks to just sit with the information before attempting to reduce it to a review. I must’ve listened on Hoopla because when I went back to get it, it was gone...and it has been weighing on my mind ever since.
I will be buying this book, for myself and for every girl I love entering college. I will re-listen & read it again. More than half a year later, I still remember how this gripped me, how it reached me, how it forced me to examine the things I have had to accept as part of being a girl (then a woman) and those things need to change. I know this is vague and I will read and properly review this before summer but if I can leave you with one thought, it is this: every single person should read this book. 5 stars
I will be buying this book, for myself and for every girl I love entering college. I will re-listen & read it again. More than half a year later, I still remember how this gripped me, how it reached me, how it forced me to examine the things I have had to accept as part of being a girl (then a woman) and those things need to change. I know this is vague and I will read and properly review this before summer but if I can leave you with one thought, it is this: every single person should read this book. 5 stars
November 5, 2019
Informative and devastating.
September 3, 2015
This book started, for me, when I got sick of the "wrongs of feminism" and "legal inequality" line of comments on various internet sites that shall forever go unnamed.
It's all about how feminism's past its time, you see, and how feminists are just coming up with imaginary problems, how entitled and petty they are, and if they were living in the third world, they'd know what real inequality and abuse were.
Right.
The notion that feminism's job is "done" somehow - that Western society, at least, achieved a state in which women have nothing to complain about - is immensely appealing, and it appeals precisely to those elements that are the most problematic. If everything's fine and dandy, then of course we can post porn on internet message boards, make crude offensive jokes, and keep our media portrayals precisely where they are.
That notion - that we are "okay", and that what's happening with the culture is "okay, is precisely the one that Kate Harding wants to eviscerate. And she does, believe me, she does. By the time you're done with this book, assuming you are not inclined to dismiss her proof entirely as the result of "having an agenda", which I have seen some people do, you will be quite convinced that the enlightened, egalitarian, feminist Western world has a long way to go yet.
One of the most widespread arguments I encounter in the feminism-is-problematic crowd is that when an ambiguous situation occurs - usually a specific and very fringe hypothetical, but let's not go there - the onus of responsibility in terms of legality somehow lands on the man. That may be so (I would not necessarily agree that it is so, but let's put that aside for now), but Asking For It is not a book about legality, it's a book about all the wonderful things that happen beyond the strict letter of the law. it's a book about the cops, the juries, the opinionated (sometimes very) judges, about the public, the families, the victims and perpetrators themselves.
It makes a vehement case for the fact that our society still treats women's bodies like property, and women's lives with tremendous double-standards.
If the book has any flaws at all, it is perhaps that it is just a little too vehement. Any lack of immediate consent is rape. Any casual familiarity and neglect to ensure total, full, absolute autonomy is denial of human rights. Any clouding of judgment is an absolute barrier.
Life does and should allow for more ambiguity and softer blurrier lines than that, and just because something technically falls under the definition of 'illegal' doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. On the other hand, I understand where Harding is coming from. In an ideal world where we would no longer live in a society that treated women with appalling levels of double-standard and rape as a violation of someone's purity, rather than their autonomy, sure, we could cede our autonomy if we liked, we could blur the lines, we could distinguish between illegal and bad.
But in our society today, Harding's vehemence is well-placed, deserved, and necessary.
If you are one of the people who thinks our society's perfect, this book will probably make you angry, but then, you probably deserve to be angry. If you're not, it will still make you angry - that is its job. Read it.
It's all about how feminism's past its time, you see, and how feminists are just coming up with imaginary problems, how entitled and petty they are, and if they were living in the third world, they'd know what real inequality and abuse were.
Right.
The notion that feminism's job is "done" somehow - that Western society, at least, achieved a state in which women have nothing to complain about - is immensely appealing, and it appeals precisely to those elements that are the most problematic. If everything's fine and dandy, then of course we can post porn on internet message boards, make crude offensive jokes, and keep our media portrayals precisely where they are.
That notion - that we are "okay", and that what's happening with the culture is "okay, is precisely the one that Kate Harding wants to eviscerate. And she does, believe me, she does. By the time you're done with this book, assuming you are not inclined to dismiss her proof entirely as the result of "having an agenda", which I have seen some people do, you will be quite convinced that the enlightened, egalitarian, feminist Western world has a long way to go yet.
One of the most widespread arguments I encounter in the feminism-is-problematic crowd is that when an ambiguous situation occurs - usually a specific and very fringe hypothetical, but let's not go there - the onus of responsibility in terms of legality somehow lands on the man. That may be so (I would not necessarily agree that it is so, but let's put that aside for now), but Asking For It is not a book about legality, it's a book about all the wonderful things that happen beyond the strict letter of the law. it's a book about the cops, the juries, the opinionated (sometimes very) judges, about the public, the families, the victims and perpetrators themselves.
It makes a vehement case for the fact that our society still treats women's bodies like property, and women's lives with tremendous double-standards.
If the book has any flaws at all, it is perhaps that it is just a little too vehement. Any lack of immediate consent is rape. Any casual familiarity and neglect to ensure total, full, absolute autonomy is denial of human rights. Any clouding of judgment is an absolute barrier.
Life does and should allow for more ambiguity and softer blurrier lines than that, and just because something technically falls under the definition of 'illegal' doesn't necessarily mean it's bad. On the other hand, I understand where Harding is coming from. In an ideal world where we would no longer live in a society that treated women with appalling levels of double-standard and rape as a violation of someone's purity, rather than their autonomy, sure, we could cede our autonomy if we liked, we could blur the lines, we could distinguish between illegal and bad.
But in our society today, Harding's vehemence is well-placed, deserved, and necessary.
If you are one of the people who thinks our society's perfect, this book will probably make you angry, but then, you probably deserve to be angry. If you're not, it will still make you angry - that is its job. Read it.
September 7, 2015
Terrific. Don't even read my review, just go buy this fucker right now.
Are you still here?
OK.
I am old enough to remember the Madge the Manicurist "You're soaking in it!" commercials (shut up), and this book reminded me of Madge's sly yet perky assertion: We really ARE immersed in it, with "it" in this case being a culture that devalues women. And their stories of assault, yes...but more than that, their legitimacy as people with agency, as humans who are more than decorative. Our DEFAULT STATE, culturally, is to figure out how to blame the victim.
Harding is a very, VERY funny writer, which helps make a difficult subject readable. Asking for It is a polemic that does not read like a polemic. Harding comes off as a reliable narrator as well as your most amusing friend. (Full disclosure, I know her online but have only met her in person a couple of times.) (Incidentally, I had a great OMG-I-LOVE-THIS-VOICE non-fiction week, between Asking for It and Sarah Hepola's Blackout.)
Asking For It is, for me, the first great bloggy non-fiction. It is rigorously researched, but delivered in a snarky voice that I think of as a blog-writer voice. Usually over the length of a book this kind of voice wears thin for me -- too much, too snide, too self-impressed, too clever. The fact that Harding blends her conversational, smart-alecky, snarktastic tone with a BUTTLOAD of statistics and sources -- and she never goes for a joke at the EXPENSE of propelling forward her argument -- makes it work like aces.
And this voice makes Asking For It a great read for teenagers and twenty somethings, into whose hands I want to shove this book right this very second. Guys and girls both. (Harding absolutely talks about the negative impact of rape culture on DUDES as well as women.) I also want to give it to older feminists -- including my own GenX cohort -- who default to "but WHY do young women today...." because you know what? My friends and the prominent older feminists who use this phrase have not internalized the fact that no matter what the kids today are wearing, no matter how much they drink, no matter how dumb you think they are for being so careless...you are demonizing the WRONG PARTY. Rape culture means blaming the victim, and that is precisely what you are doing. When you start a sentence with "of course no one DESERVES to be raped..." you have started with the WRONG DEPENDENT CLAUSE, pumpkin. What you have delivered should be a stand-alone sentence. Put a period there. Oh and dump the "of course" which implies a big ol' BUT.
On FB Kate Harding taught me Lewis's Law (the Internet says Lewis' Law but I am ancient and prissy enough to correct the Internet's grammar): "Comments on any article about feminism justify feminism." I don't think this law appears in the book, but reading the responses to every single article about this book, which invariably talk about how Harding deserves to be raped, wishes she were raped, is too ugly to be raped, etc. are proof positive of how essential this book is.
Also: My 13-year-old read this before I did and handed it back saying "This is the best non-fiction book I have read in a long time. Maybe ever."
If you are the parent of a high school student who dwells in the actual real world that humans live in, he or she should read this and talk about it with you. Do not say "Let kids be kids a little longer!" Your kid, in all likelihood, will not be shocked by any of the stories in the book, but rather by the fact that there is a NAME for the systemic problems he or she knows exist.
(OH. This week I also read a super-lauded social-issues-oriented non-fiction book AIMED at teenagers, one that's being bandied about as a possible Newbery-Award-winner, and it was SO MUCH WEAKER and more boring and less thoughtful about race and class than Asking For It.)
So get it.
Are you still here?
OK.
I am old enough to remember the Madge the Manicurist "You're soaking in it!" commercials (shut up), and this book reminded me of Madge's sly yet perky assertion: We really ARE immersed in it, with "it" in this case being a culture that devalues women. And their stories of assault, yes...but more than that, their legitimacy as people with agency, as humans who are more than decorative. Our DEFAULT STATE, culturally, is to figure out how to blame the victim.
Harding is a very, VERY funny writer, which helps make a difficult subject readable. Asking for It is a polemic that does not read like a polemic. Harding comes off as a reliable narrator as well as your most amusing friend. (Full disclosure, I know her online but have only met her in person a couple of times.) (Incidentally, I had a great OMG-I-LOVE-THIS-VOICE non-fiction week, between Asking for It and Sarah Hepola's Blackout.)
Asking For It is, for me, the first great bloggy non-fiction. It is rigorously researched, but delivered in a snarky voice that I think of as a blog-writer voice. Usually over the length of a book this kind of voice wears thin for me -- too much, too snide, too self-impressed, too clever. The fact that Harding blends her conversational, smart-alecky, snarktastic tone with a BUTTLOAD of statistics and sources -- and she never goes for a joke at the EXPENSE of propelling forward her argument -- makes it work like aces.
And this voice makes Asking For It a great read for teenagers and twenty somethings, into whose hands I want to shove this book right this very second. Guys and girls both. (Harding absolutely talks about the negative impact of rape culture on DUDES as well as women.) I also want to give it to older feminists -- including my own GenX cohort -- who default to "but WHY do young women today...." because you know what? My friends and the prominent older feminists who use this phrase have not internalized the fact that no matter what the kids today are wearing, no matter how much they drink, no matter how dumb you think they are for being so careless...you are demonizing the WRONG PARTY. Rape culture means blaming the victim, and that is precisely what you are doing. When you start a sentence with "of course no one DESERVES to be raped..." you have started with the WRONG DEPENDENT CLAUSE, pumpkin. What you have delivered should be a stand-alone sentence. Put a period there. Oh and dump the "of course" which implies a big ol' BUT.
On FB Kate Harding taught me Lewis's Law (the Internet says Lewis' Law but I am ancient and prissy enough to correct the Internet's grammar): "Comments on any article about feminism justify feminism." I don't think this law appears in the book, but reading the responses to every single article about this book, which invariably talk about how Harding deserves to be raped, wishes she were raped, is too ugly to be raped, etc. are proof positive of how essential this book is.
Also: My 13-year-old read this before I did and handed it back saying "This is the best non-fiction book I have read in a long time. Maybe ever."
If you are the parent of a high school student who dwells in the actual real world that humans live in, he or she should read this and talk about it with you. Do not say "Let kids be kids a little longer!" Your kid, in all likelihood, will not be shocked by any of the stories in the book, but rather by the fact that there is a NAME for the systemic problems he or she knows exist.
(OH. This week I also read a super-lauded social-issues-oriented non-fiction book AIMED at teenagers, one that's being bandied about as a possible Newbery-Award-winner, and it was SO MUCH WEAKER and more boring and less thoughtful about race and class than Asking For It.)
So get it.
April 21, 2017
Warning: The book discusses rape, sexual assault, harassment (in a rather graphic manner) and I suspect that it can seriously trigger some people, so while I recommend it - proceed with caution.
This is a very important book, regardless whether you, as a reader, live in the United States of America, Canada, UK, or any other country. Of course, it does concern itself with cases that happened in the USA and focuses solely on e.g. statistics of English-speaking countries but a) the reader is warned about it at the beginning and b) the problems that it lists are, unfortunately, pretty similar everywhere. I am rather confident that if one digs into problems and laws regarding rape and/or sexual assault one will find issues and laws and statements that are not any less problematic than the ones listed here in every country.
This is simply the reality we live in.
But for now, about the book. It is cohesive, succinct, easy to understand because it is written in plain, non-academic English and partially even uses slang, and it features the most important issues regarding rape culture while also explaining, in a very understandable manner, what rape culture is, what encourages it and what we can do against it. It addresses stereotypes, issues with the police and rape kits, and generally a variety of different topics linked to rape. All of them important. All of them deeply disturbing since apparently women are still oftentimes seen as objects rather than actual human beings.
There are also digressions into topics linked to it like, for example, internet trolls and man's rights activist (this shit is plain disgusting). I have never had to deal either, thanks to any deity who listens, but I certainly witnessed enough seriously disconcerting comments from *surprise* men particularly in the gaming area. Still, it was very enlightning.
I think it's a must-read for everyone, nowadays. Highly recommended.
P.S. Just in case you're curious (as I was), and NOT from the USA, look up the rape statistics in your country/area. What I encountered when I ventured into the topic of rape in Germany left me shocked and deeply concerned about the future.
This is a very important book, regardless whether you, as a reader, live in the United States of America, Canada, UK, or any other country. Of course, it does concern itself with cases that happened in the USA and focuses solely on e.g. statistics of English-speaking countries but a) the reader is warned about it at the beginning and b) the problems that it lists are, unfortunately, pretty similar everywhere. I am rather confident that if one digs into problems and laws regarding rape and/or sexual assault one will find issues and laws and statements that are not any less problematic than the ones listed here in every country.
This is simply the reality we live in.
But for now, about the book. It is cohesive, succinct, easy to understand because it is written in plain, non-academic English and partially even uses slang, and it features the most important issues regarding rape culture while also explaining, in a very understandable manner, what rape culture is, what encourages it and what we can do against it. It addresses stereotypes, issues with the police and rape kits, and generally a variety of different topics linked to rape. All of them important. All of them deeply disturbing since apparently women are still oftentimes seen as objects rather than actual human beings.
There are also digressions into topics linked to it like, for example, internet trolls and man's rights activist (this shit is plain disgusting). I have never had to deal either, thanks to any deity who listens, but I certainly witnessed enough seriously disconcerting comments from *surprise* men particularly in the gaming area. Still, it was very enlightning.
I think it's a must-read for everyone, nowadays. Highly recommended.
P.S. Just in case you're curious (as I was), and NOT from the USA, look up the rape statistics in your country/area. What I encountered when I ventured into the topic of rape in Germany left me shocked and deeply concerned about the future.
Read
March 6, 2019"Asking for It" directly exposes the underpinnings of rape culture. Harding is at times colloquial and academic but never shies away from the importance of talking about and exposing the truths about sexual abuse. It can be easy to dismiss this topic and say that progress has been made, but the realities are painted vividly by Harding. When you still have politicians claiming that a woman's body can stop a pregnancy or a myriad other absurd conjectures that help justify the subjugation of women. Put this next to "Missoula" as a must-read for understanding the prevalence and intractability of rape culture in the US.
September 30, 2021
An uncomfortable but important read. As someone who still hasn't found peace with their trauma, I often had to put the book down for long periods of time. Harding does an excellent job of addressing how patriarchy, politics, capitalism, media, and more contribute to rape culture and how readers can reevaluate their own behaviors and actions to respect women, take sexual violence seriously, and hold perpetrators accountable.
August 29, 2015
ARC for review from NetGalley.
I don't want to say "easy to read" but an excellent, largely non-academic look at rape culture in the United States. Incredibly timely (the Bill Cosby scandal and the Rolling Stone/UVa. campus rape article were in the news when she was going to press), there's a lot here that readers already know, but it's presented in a clear, concise way that makes it a perfect teaching tool for both ourselves and others.
As Harding initially notes, rape culture is exists in many forms, "but its most devilish trick is to make the average, noncriminal person identify with the person accused, instead of the person reporting a crime," and we've seen this over and over again, from cases famous (Glen Ridge, New Jersey (and if you haven't read the incredible Our Guys by please do so), and Steubenville, Ohio) to ones with which I was totally unfamiliar (an eleven year old(!) girl in Cleveland, Texas as gang raped by over twenty men. The defense portrayed her as a girl who had developed early, liked to wear makeup and didn't have much parental supervision....which, in his mind, was enough to lead to reasonable doubt. One defense attorney even said, " 'Wasn't she saying, 'Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly?''" to which Harding responds, "actually, I think it was more like, 'come into my parlor,' said the sixth grader to the group of older boys and men, who would take turns penetrating her vaginally and anally in an abandoned trailer, while someone filmed it with phone. More than once. Tomayto, tomahto" (this may be the point where I fell in love with Kate Harding.
But her point is apt - if our police/judicial system can't even agree that an ELEVEN YEAR OLD gang rape victim wasn't "asking for it," what hope for the rest of us? She then recounts the seven categories of American rape myths (the book focuses primarily on America....obviously laws, mores and cultures are so different in many other countries this would be an encyclopedia) identified by psychologists Payne, Lonsway and Fitzgerald:
1. She asked for it.
2. It wasn't really rape.
3. He didn't mean to.
4. She wanted it.
5. She lied.
6. Rape is a trivial event.
7. Rape is a deviant event.
Harding then applies these myths to various scenarios, but it's nothing that most of us can't do in our own heads a hundred times over. Americans are perfectly willing to accept the stranger who jumps out of the bushes and attacks a young co-ed scenario, but when it's the boys on the local football team, or an aspiring divinity student (the St. Paul case going on as I type), or a beloved teacher or coach or whatever our brains just don't work the same way.
Another great point - we teach our daughters to protect themselves, but we must also teach our sons not to become rapists. Males, ALL males, from the time they are ready to know the facts of life, must understand the meaning and nature of consent...and she/he can't consent when she's sleeping, passed out, too drunk to know what's happening, etc. "'Making women the sexual gatekeepers and telling men they just can't help themselves not only drives home the point that women's sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men's sexual behavior,'" (Valenti) and that, my friends, is bullshit. So a woman at a bar should only be able to have two drinks because men just can't control themselves? Ugh.
There's so much more to say. Harding takes both conservative and those allegedly more liberal media to task and also takes a hard line on mens rights activists (let me just say that these aren't the guys banging on drums in the woods), but my review might be as long as the book if I keep touching on every passage I marked.
And before you lose all faith in humankind, Harding includes some reasons to be hopeful. However, it really all starts with changing the culture, and that requires that ALL of us examine our behavior - and it's not easy.
Excellent book. Highly recommended. I have to read Jon Krakauer's Missoula for by book club, so I'm going to need some light reading between the two.
I don't want to say "easy to read" but an excellent, largely non-academic look at rape culture in the United States. Incredibly timely (the Bill Cosby scandal and the Rolling Stone/UVa. campus rape article were in the news when she was going to press), there's a lot here that readers already know, but it's presented in a clear, concise way that makes it a perfect teaching tool for both ourselves and others.
As Harding initially notes, rape culture is exists in many forms, "but its most devilish trick is to make the average, noncriminal person identify with the person accused, instead of the person reporting a crime," and we've seen this over and over again, from cases famous (Glen Ridge, New Jersey (and if you haven't read the incredible Our Guys by please do so), and Steubenville, Ohio) to ones with which I was totally unfamiliar (an eleven year old(!) girl in Cleveland, Texas as gang raped by over twenty men. The defense portrayed her as a girl who had developed early, liked to wear makeup and didn't have much parental supervision....which, in his mind, was enough to lead to reasonable doubt. One defense attorney even said, " 'Wasn't she saying, 'Come into my parlor, said the spider to the fly?''" to which Harding responds, "actually, I think it was more like, 'come into my parlor,' said the sixth grader to the group of older boys and men, who would take turns penetrating her vaginally and anally in an abandoned trailer, while someone filmed it with phone. More than once. Tomayto, tomahto" (this may be the point where I fell in love with Kate Harding.
But her point is apt - if our police/judicial system can't even agree that an ELEVEN YEAR OLD gang rape victim wasn't "asking for it," what hope for the rest of us? She then recounts the seven categories of American rape myths (the book focuses primarily on America....obviously laws, mores and cultures are so different in many other countries this would be an encyclopedia) identified by psychologists Payne, Lonsway and Fitzgerald:
1. She asked for it.
2. It wasn't really rape.
3. He didn't mean to.
4. She wanted it.
5. She lied.
6. Rape is a trivial event.
7. Rape is a deviant event.
Harding then applies these myths to various scenarios, but it's nothing that most of us can't do in our own heads a hundred times over. Americans are perfectly willing to accept the stranger who jumps out of the bushes and attacks a young co-ed scenario, but when it's the boys on the local football team, or an aspiring divinity student (the St. Paul case going on as I type), or a beloved teacher or coach or whatever our brains just don't work the same way.
Another great point - we teach our daughters to protect themselves, but we must also teach our sons not to become rapists. Males, ALL males, from the time they are ready to know the facts of life, must understand the meaning and nature of consent...and she/he can't consent when she's sleeping, passed out, too drunk to know what's happening, etc. "'Making women the sexual gatekeepers and telling men they just can't help themselves not only drives home the point that women's sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men's sexual behavior,'" (Valenti) and that, my friends, is bullshit. So a woman at a bar should only be able to have two drinks because men just can't control themselves? Ugh.
There's so much more to say. Harding takes both conservative and those allegedly more liberal media to task and also takes a hard line on mens rights activists (let me just say that these aren't the guys banging on drums in the woods), but my review might be as long as the book if I keep touching on every passage I marked.
And before you lose all faith in humankind, Harding includes some reasons to be hopeful. However, it really all starts with changing the culture, and that requires that ALL of us examine our behavior - and it's not easy.
Excellent book. Highly recommended. I have to read Jon Krakauer's Missoula for by book club, so I'm going to need some light reading between the two.
October 18, 2015
"Woman-hating jokes are not jokes. These guys are telling you how they feel."
Well-researched, thoughtful, readable, true.
Well-researched, thoughtful, readable, true.
January 17, 2018
4.5 stars
I've read my fair share of non-fiction books on feminism & gender studies but Asking For It was probably the one I will recommend the most. Kate Harding started with something easy - what is rape culture? what can we do about it? - and then dealt with many different topics, from destroying rape myths to why the justice system seems to work against the victims to her own personal story of rape on campus.
This book enraged me to no end, mostly because it was written a couple of years ago & pretty much nothing has changed. The way some people (not only men!) expressed themselves on the topics of rape & abortion (especially the latter) was infuriating. Ignorance mixed with privilege is a bad combo.
This book was well written, full of sarcastic comments - sarcasm is necessary, otherwise we would cry from page one because the world we live in is so fucked up - and the basic concepts are well explained. It's not a book I've read in a day but it took me a couple of months. I took my time & grabbed a pencil to underline & added a couple of personal comments. I highly encourage you to pick this one up!
I've read my fair share of non-fiction books on feminism & gender studies but Asking For It was probably the one I will recommend the most. Kate Harding started with something easy - what is rape culture? what can we do about it? - and then dealt with many different topics, from destroying rape myths to why the justice system seems to work against the victims to her own personal story of rape on campus.
This book enraged me to no end, mostly because it was written a couple of years ago & pretty much nothing has changed. The way some people (not only men!) expressed themselves on the topics of rape & abortion (especially the latter) was infuriating. Ignorance mixed with privilege is a bad combo.
This book was well written, full of sarcastic comments - sarcasm is necessary, otherwise we would cry from page one because the world we live in is so fucked up - and the basic concepts are well explained. It's not a book I've read in a day but it took me a couple of months. I took my time & grabbed a pencil to underline & added a couple of personal comments. I highly encourage you to pick this one up!
December 29, 2019
“For as much as feminists are painted as "man-haters", we’re not the ones suggesting that boys and men lack the ability to think rationally, control their own behavior, or act kindly toward other human beings—even with a boner. We’re the ones who want all of our children to know about meaningful consent, healthy sexuality, and honoring each other’s bodies and boundaries, instead of teaching them that one gender is responsible for managing the other’s helpless animal lust.”
Published in 2015, this book written by Kate Harding should be read by everyone. I read that we already know what she's saying here. Yes, us, the ones who acknowledge that rape culture exists. It's far from being everyone's case, unfortunately. I loved Harding's writing: it's honest, she doesn't try to manage the feelings of "sensible" people who could feel offended. You know what's offending? Saying she should use another tone. And yes, it reads more like a very long blog post: after all, Kate Harding is a blogger. But blog posts can be amazing, and I'd rather read this than another book written by a man that is considered as a "real and serious book on the subject".
Since MeToo, voices are being heard, but it's still not enough. If you're "tired" of having to hear about this all the time, imagine just how tired we are of still having to talk about this until someone is willing to listen. "But things are better now!" Well, say that to Cyntoia Brown, a sex trafficking survivor who was finally released from jail after 15 years after being sentenced to life for killing a 43 years-old man when she was 16 in an act of self-defense. Tell her: "but you're free now, things are better, forget those 15 years in jail!" Say that to all the victims of Harvey Weinstein who had to work for him and shut up, tell them "but he's gonna go to jail now, things are better!" Say that to all the victims who still don't speak for so many reasons, mostly shame and fear. Say that to the ones who do speak and are still called liars. "It's better now, there's no need to freak out everyone by talking about an alarming rise of rape culture!" When you do this, you're part of rape culture. Yes, I said it. There are rapists, there are those who encourage it, there are those who walk away when they know it's happening, and there are also those who won't talk about it because they don't want anything to do with it - and could we please stop talking about it all the time because it's depressing.
“Rape is something that happens, sure, but it's not really something people "do". Certainly, not that nice boy, that star quarterback, that beloved priest, that trusted babysitter, that troop leader, that teacher, that dear family friend. It's as though none of us ever learned about "passive voice" in freshman comp. "She was raped. Local woman raped. Girl, 11, raped in abandoned trailer." Who's doing all the raping here? Incubi? If nobody's actually committing rape, how are we supposed to adress it as a public health and safety issue? Oh, right, by giving women endless lists of acceptable behaviors and warnings about personal responsibility, for as long as it takes until those dummies get it together and quit becoming victims.”
Published in 2015, this book written by Kate Harding should be read by everyone. I read that we already know what she's saying here. Yes, us, the ones who acknowledge that rape culture exists. It's far from being everyone's case, unfortunately. I loved Harding's writing: it's honest, she doesn't try to manage the feelings of "sensible" people who could feel offended. You know what's offending? Saying she should use another tone. And yes, it reads more like a very long blog post: after all, Kate Harding is a blogger. But blog posts can be amazing, and I'd rather read this than another book written by a man that is considered as a "real and serious book on the subject".
Since MeToo, voices are being heard, but it's still not enough. If you're "tired" of having to hear about this all the time, imagine just how tired we are of still having to talk about this until someone is willing to listen. "But things are better now!" Well, say that to Cyntoia Brown, a sex trafficking survivor who was finally released from jail after 15 years after being sentenced to life for killing a 43 years-old man when she was 16 in an act of self-defense. Tell her: "but you're free now, things are better, forget those 15 years in jail!" Say that to all the victims of Harvey Weinstein who had to work for him and shut up, tell them "but he's gonna go to jail now, things are better!" Say that to all the victims who still don't speak for so many reasons, mostly shame and fear. Say that to the ones who do speak and are still called liars. "It's better now, there's no need to freak out everyone by talking about an alarming rise of rape culture!" When you do this, you're part of rape culture. Yes, I said it. There are rapists, there are those who encourage it, there are those who walk away when they know it's happening, and there are also those who won't talk about it because they don't want anything to do with it - and could we please stop talking about it all the time because it's depressing.
“Rape is something that happens, sure, but it's not really something people "do". Certainly, not that nice boy, that star quarterback, that beloved priest, that trusted babysitter, that troop leader, that teacher, that dear family friend. It's as though none of us ever learned about "passive voice" in freshman comp. "She was raped. Local woman raped. Girl, 11, raped in abandoned trailer." Who's doing all the raping here? Incubi? If nobody's actually committing rape, how are we supposed to adress it as a public health and safety issue? Oh, right, by giving women endless lists of acceptable behaviors and warnings about personal responsibility, for as long as it takes until those dummies get it together and quit becoming victims.”
November 14, 2018
Equal parts angry, witty, and educating, Asking For It will force you to examine yourself, your bias, and your place in rape culture. I definitely recommend this book, but especially to readers who are just entering the conversation on feminism and/or rape culture.
Kate Harding’s book challenges you to reject the myths about rape and consent that our society/media/entertainment have instilled in us. When you think of the word rape, what do you picture? Likely, a stranger violently abducting a young woman in an alleyway. In reality, most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Harding explains how our perception of what rape “looks like” can effect how victims are treated and if they are believed (spoiler alert: they’re usually not).
Here are some of the discussions that I found most valuable in the book:
• There is no “gray area” of consent. It is either rape or it is consensual sex. If a person is unconscious or too drunk to stand/talk, that is rape. Unequivocally.
• A person can never give consent for a future act. Consent can only be given in the moment. A relationship, or even a marriage, does not equate consent.
• The higher the disparity between a victim and a rapist’s privilege the more likely a victim is to be believed and visa versa.
• Rape is rape. A victim does not need to physically attack his/her rapist to make it a rape. A victim does not need to explicitly say the word “no.”
• Rape culture perpetuates the myth that there are different levels of rape. There is “rape-rape”, aka a violent attack in a parking garage by a stranger, and there are lesser forms of acquaintance rape. This is bullshit. Rape is rape. All rapes are “rape-rape” and thinking differently allows serial rapists to get away.
• The onus for preventing rape cannot sit squarely on the shoulders of women. We also have to teach young men about consent.
The only way we can change our culture is to examine it and then talk about it. Reading Asking For It is a great jumping off point!
February 3, 2016
But there is something very wrong when you’re telling women (and only women) to keep their hair short, only dress in ways that no one could consider “provocative,” only dress in clothing that is difficult to cut off with scissors (so, Kevlar jeans, I guess?), and never use their phones or search through their purses in public.
There’s something wrong with expecting women to remember that they should always go for the groin, or the eyes, or the armpit, or the upper thigh, or the first two fingers (I am not making any of these up), and that it only takes five pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear, and if you hit someone’s nose with the palm of your hand and push up just right, you can drive the bone into their brain and kill them.
There’s something wrong with acting as though it’s perfectly reasonable to tell women never to drink to excess—and, when drinking to non-excess, never to let their drinks out of their sight—and not to walk alone at night and definitely not to travel alone, and not to job with earphones, and not to approach a stoplight without locking the car doors, and not to respond to the sound of a crying baby, and not to get into their cars without checking both the backseat and underneath the car first, and not to get in on the driver’s side if there’s a van parked next to it, and not to pull over for unmarked police cars until they’re in well-lit areas, and, and, and.
***
The short, to-the-point review: Author, columnist, and all-around awesome person Kate Harding has written a book about rape culture and you should all read it. Especially if you think it doesn’t exist; or if you hear the words “Gamer Gate” or “victim blaming” and roll your eyes like you think it’s all just some joke; or if you use “SJW” or “Social Justice Warrior” as a pejorative to describe people you think are taking all the fun out of life. Because these are all very real issues threatening women, men, LGBTQIA individuals, and their allies, and they need to be addressed.
It’s fitting that I should read this book the same week that professional douche-nozzle and all-around misogynistic, women-hating fuckwit Roosh V. and his trolling, doxxing, “legal rape”-promoting misappropriations of sperm are planning an international meet-up to learn how to be even wider enflamed assholes. (Their mothers must all be so proud.) Because, point of fact, these idiots are either criminals or promoting criminal acts that endorse the taking away of basic rights, liberties, and freedoms of half the world’s population by violent, aggressive, life-endangering means, and all so they can get their rocks off and feel like manly men, subscribing to the most toxic aspects of the stereotype of masculinity that so needs to die in a fire.
This book is a giant reality check for those with the privilege of having their heads in the sand, pretending that such issues don’t exist so long as they remain someone else’s problems. But what Harding does, in a wonderfully detailed-yet-glib manner, is drop hard facts, and lots of them. Each chapter tackles another facet of the culture, of our culture, and its blind spots regarding rape, assault, and the treatment of victims.
She addresses the tone-deafness of certain individuals (mostly white males) in saying “Why don’t women carry weapons to protect themselves? They’d be safer.” Tell that to Marissa Alexander, an African American woman who fired a warning shot into a wall to fend off her attacking husband, and was subsequently sentenced to twenty years in prison. Her conviction was overturned; however, in a new trial, she faced the possibility of an utterly absurd sixty years behind bars, and thus entered a guilty plea in a bargain for just three years. For a fucking warning shot against an attacker. And this is just one awful instance detailed in the book of the ways that race and class play into the public’s and the law’s willingness to believe a victim’s claims.
Harding goes on to tackle obvious necessities like safety tips, and calls for men and allies to be more direct in their support and willingness to confront those who would abuse, ignore, or merely shrug their shoulders at their own aggressive tendencies, or the illegal and violent actions of others. She goes on to suggest the creation of programs for youths to better explore issues of boundaries and consent, and even broaches the topic of what is and isn’t censorship when it comes to using rape in a joke (hint: it’s never censorship to criticize someone’s joke—freedom of speech does not mean freedom from reaction or rebuttal, it just means you’re not going to go to jail for being horrible and insensitive).
The most intense aspects of the book deal with the baffling and destructive culture of victim blaming and/or shaming that exists—that in the wake of a sexual assault, many women won’t report or fear reporting the crime, because by and large belief falls not in the victim’s court but in the perpetrator’s, leading to police and other law enforcement individuals often finding ways of turning said crime on the victim, spinning it as their fault, as something they were in some way asking for. Or simply disregarding the claims of rape or assault altogether. And in a world with Daniel Holtzclaw—the ex-Oklahoma police officer recently, rightfully, sentenced to 263 years in prison on eighteen counts of rape and assault—it’s not hard to see why so many have such apprehension or mistrust of the law, an issue compounded if the victim in question happens to be of a class or race other than wealthy and white.
And if you’re still not totally convinced as to the ramifications and fucking horribleness of victim blaming, look up the story of Seemona Sumasar, which Harding details quite well. The author uses the phrase “miscarriage of justice” to in part describe what happened to Sumasar upon reporting her assault, but really it’s an understatement akin to saying Tea Partiers aren’t terribly fond of Obama.
When all is said and done, though, the simple take-away from society’s tendency to victim-blame is this: treat the victim like a goddamn human being. It doesn’t seem like much to ask, until you learn that we have a system where two-thirds of all rape and assault cases are dismissed, with more than 80% of said dismissals happening against the victim’s continuing desire to prosecute.
Harding wraps up her crash course in rape culture by turning the spotlight to the media and pop culture—continual presences throughout, but needing their own, more detailed analysis. On the media side of things, she discusses how, as has been previously mentioned, the press is only truly interested in such a story if the victim and perpetrator match what is deemed ratings friendly (i.e., if the victim happens to be wealthy and white, and the attacker poor and of a visible minority). Similarly, film and television often do a disservice to victims and rapists by painting them with broad strokes—as perfect angels and vicious monsters respectively, when the reality for so many, especially when the attacker is known to the victim, is much harder to quantify in such simplistic terms. This is of course compounded when having to report an individual’s actions when others—possibly friends and family—also know and love, and trust, the suspect in question.
Lastly, we come to online trolls, gamergaters, and other similar Internet shit stains like those mentioned at the start of this review. These are “the new misogynists”—Men’s Rights Activists (MRA’s) and Pick Up Artists (PUA’s) who see the dismantling of the world in the increasing platforms for women and LGBTQIA individuals. They have embraced the worst elements of masculinity as their guiding ethos, treating women who have the temerity to exist online and speak without a man’s permission and, god forbid, demand equality and equal rights and the ability to walk down a street or exist in their own homes without fear of being forcibly taken, as if they are poor role models for other women, and evidence of the upsetting of the natural order of things. Harding sheds a stomach-turning light on the corner of the world, online and off, occupied by these individuals, and the very real threat their existence entails.
Don’t believe me? Take a moment and search for the Return of Kings website—also knows as the Internet’s unwashed scrotal sack. I apologize in advance for the horrible, hate-filled excrement you’re about to read: page after page, article after article written by sad, angry men who’ve convinced themselves that all their misfortune is the fault of the world’s women—especially those they find unattractive.
It’s absolutely worth noting that this book is not remotely anti-men. In fact, Harding is a champion of men, and though the numbers of incidents are quite a bit lower than with women, she does touch on sexual assault and abuse faced by men in North America. She merely expects, and not in any way unfairly, for men to be better than our worst stereotypes and cultural expectations often allow—that of the oversexed aggressor only giving in to his natural impulses. It’s like in that episode of The Simpsons when Homer starts biting the air, and if the pie on the stove happens to get in the way of his mouth then so be it—it was asking to be eaten. We’re better than that, though. Harding knows it, and we know it too:
Our daughters deserve better, and our sons are better than that. For as much as feminists are painted as “man-haters,” we’re not the ones suggesting that boys and men lack the ability to think rationally, control their own behavior, or act kindly toward other human beings—even with a boner. We’re the ones who want all of our children to know about meaningful consent, healthy sexuality, and honoring each other’s bodies and boundaries, instead of teaching them that one gender is responsible for managing the other’s helpless animal lust.
That’s what I mean when I say, “We should teach boys not to rape.” We should teach them they’re worth more and capable of more than this narrowly defined caricature of sexuality that favors dominance and aggression over genuine human connection.
*Some useful resources mentioned throughout—share and share widely.
NotAlone.gov
KnowYourIX.org
CleryCenter.org
rainn.org
National Sexual Assault Online Hotline
scarleteen.com
http://www.ontario.ca/page/lets-stop-...
There’s something wrong with expecting women to remember that they should always go for the groin, or the eyes, or the armpit, or the upper thigh, or the first two fingers (I am not making any of these up), and that it only takes five pounds of pressure to rip off a human ear, and if you hit someone’s nose with the palm of your hand and push up just right, you can drive the bone into their brain and kill them.
There’s something wrong with acting as though it’s perfectly reasonable to tell women never to drink to excess—and, when drinking to non-excess, never to let their drinks out of their sight—and not to walk alone at night and definitely not to travel alone, and not to job with earphones, and not to approach a stoplight without locking the car doors, and not to respond to the sound of a crying baby, and not to get into their cars without checking both the backseat and underneath the car first, and not to get in on the driver’s side if there’s a van parked next to it, and not to pull over for unmarked police cars until they’re in well-lit areas, and, and, and.
***
The short, to-the-point review: Author, columnist, and all-around awesome person Kate Harding has written a book about rape culture and you should all read it. Especially if you think it doesn’t exist; or if you hear the words “Gamer Gate” or “victim blaming” and roll your eyes like you think it’s all just some joke; or if you use “SJW” or “Social Justice Warrior” as a pejorative to describe people you think are taking all the fun out of life. Because these are all very real issues threatening women, men, LGBTQIA individuals, and their allies, and they need to be addressed.
It’s fitting that I should read this book the same week that professional douche-nozzle and all-around misogynistic, women-hating fuckwit Roosh V. and his trolling, doxxing, “legal rape”-promoting misappropriations of sperm are planning an international meet-up to learn how to be even wider enflamed assholes. (Their mothers must all be so proud.) Because, point of fact, these idiots are either criminals or promoting criminal acts that endorse the taking away of basic rights, liberties, and freedoms of half the world’s population by violent, aggressive, life-endangering means, and all so they can get their rocks off and feel like manly men, subscribing to the most toxic aspects of the stereotype of masculinity that so needs to die in a fire.
This book is a giant reality check for those with the privilege of having their heads in the sand, pretending that such issues don’t exist so long as they remain someone else’s problems. But what Harding does, in a wonderfully detailed-yet-glib manner, is drop hard facts, and lots of them. Each chapter tackles another facet of the culture, of our culture, and its blind spots regarding rape, assault, and the treatment of victims.
She addresses the tone-deafness of certain individuals (mostly white males) in saying “Why don’t women carry weapons to protect themselves? They’d be safer.” Tell that to Marissa Alexander, an African American woman who fired a warning shot into a wall to fend off her attacking husband, and was subsequently sentenced to twenty years in prison. Her conviction was overturned; however, in a new trial, she faced the possibility of an utterly absurd sixty years behind bars, and thus entered a guilty plea in a bargain for just three years. For a fucking warning shot against an attacker. And this is just one awful instance detailed in the book of the ways that race and class play into the public’s and the law’s willingness to believe a victim’s claims.
Harding goes on to tackle obvious necessities like safety tips, and calls for men and allies to be more direct in their support and willingness to confront those who would abuse, ignore, or merely shrug their shoulders at their own aggressive tendencies, or the illegal and violent actions of others. She goes on to suggest the creation of programs for youths to better explore issues of boundaries and consent, and even broaches the topic of what is and isn’t censorship when it comes to using rape in a joke (hint: it’s never censorship to criticize someone’s joke—freedom of speech does not mean freedom from reaction or rebuttal, it just means you’re not going to go to jail for being horrible and insensitive).
The most intense aspects of the book deal with the baffling and destructive culture of victim blaming and/or shaming that exists—that in the wake of a sexual assault, many women won’t report or fear reporting the crime, because by and large belief falls not in the victim’s court but in the perpetrator’s, leading to police and other law enforcement individuals often finding ways of turning said crime on the victim, spinning it as their fault, as something they were in some way asking for. Or simply disregarding the claims of rape or assault altogether. And in a world with Daniel Holtzclaw—the ex-Oklahoma police officer recently, rightfully, sentenced to 263 years in prison on eighteen counts of rape and assault—it’s not hard to see why so many have such apprehension or mistrust of the law, an issue compounded if the victim in question happens to be of a class or race other than wealthy and white.
And if you’re still not totally convinced as to the ramifications and fucking horribleness of victim blaming, look up the story of Seemona Sumasar, which Harding details quite well. The author uses the phrase “miscarriage of justice” to in part describe what happened to Sumasar upon reporting her assault, but really it’s an understatement akin to saying Tea Partiers aren’t terribly fond of Obama.
When all is said and done, though, the simple take-away from society’s tendency to victim-blame is this: treat the victim like a goddamn human being. It doesn’t seem like much to ask, until you learn that we have a system where two-thirds of all rape and assault cases are dismissed, with more than 80% of said dismissals happening against the victim’s continuing desire to prosecute.
Harding wraps up her crash course in rape culture by turning the spotlight to the media and pop culture—continual presences throughout, but needing their own, more detailed analysis. On the media side of things, she discusses how, as has been previously mentioned, the press is only truly interested in such a story if the victim and perpetrator match what is deemed ratings friendly (i.e., if the victim happens to be wealthy and white, and the attacker poor and of a visible minority). Similarly, film and television often do a disservice to victims and rapists by painting them with broad strokes—as perfect angels and vicious monsters respectively, when the reality for so many, especially when the attacker is known to the victim, is much harder to quantify in such simplistic terms. This is of course compounded when having to report an individual’s actions when others—possibly friends and family—also know and love, and trust, the suspect in question.
Lastly, we come to online trolls, gamergaters, and other similar Internet shit stains like those mentioned at the start of this review. These are “the new misogynists”—Men’s Rights Activists (MRA’s) and Pick Up Artists (PUA’s) who see the dismantling of the world in the increasing platforms for women and LGBTQIA individuals. They have embraced the worst elements of masculinity as their guiding ethos, treating women who have the temerity to exist online and speak without a man’s permission and, god forbid, demand equality and equal rights and the ability to walk down a street or exist in their own homes without fear of being forcibly taken, as if they are poor role models for other women, and evidence of the upsetting of the natural order of things. Harding sheds a stomach-turning light on the corner of the world, online and off, occupied by these individuals, and the very real threat their existence entails.
Don’t believe me? Take a moment and search for the Return of Kings website—also knows as the Internet’s unwashed scrotal sack. I apologize in advance for the horrible, hate-filled excrement you’re about to read: page after page, article after article written by sad, angry men who’ve convinced themselves that all their misfortune is the fault of the world’s women—especially those they find unattractive.
It’s absolutely worth noting that this book is not remotely anti-men. In fact, Harding is a champion of men, and though the numbers of incidents are quite a bit lower than with women, she does touch on sexual assault and abuse faced by men in North America. She merely expects, and not in any way unfairly, for men to be better than our worst stereotypes and cultural expectations often allow—that of the oversexed aggressor only giving in to his natural impulses. It’s like in that episode of The Simpsons when Homer starts biting the air, and if the pie on the stove happens to get in the way of his mouth then so be it—it was asking to be eaten. We’re better than that, though. Harding knows it, and we know it too:
Our daughters deserve better, and our sons are better than that. For as much as feminists are painted as “man-haters,” we’re not the ones suggesting that boys and men lack the ability to think rationally, control their own behavior, or act kindly toward other human beings—even with a boner. We’re the ones who want all of our children to know about meaningful consent, healthy sexuality, and honoring each other’s bodies and boundaries, instead of teaching them that one gender is responsible for managing the other’s helpless animal lust.
That’s what I mean when I say, “We should teach boys not to rape.” We should teach them they’re worth more and capable of more than this narrowly defined caricature of sexuality that favors dominance and aggression over genuine human connection.
*Some useful resources mentioned throughout—share and share widely.
NotAlone.gov
KnowYourIX.org
CleryCenter.org
rainn.org
National Sexual Assault Online Hotline
scarleteen.com
http://www.ontario.ca/page/lets-stop-...
October 20, 2019
4 stars.
I read Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture and What We Can Do About It for one of my Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies classes, so I’m not going to review.
“For as much as feminists are painted as “man-haters,” we’re not the ones suggesting that boys and men lack the ability to think rationally, control their own behavior, or act kindly toward other human beings—even with a boner. We’re the ones who want all of our children to know about meaningful consent, healthy sexuality, and honoring each other’s bodies and boundaries, instead of teaching them that one gender is responsible for managing the other’s helpless animal lust.”
I read Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture and What We Can Do About It for one of my Women’s, Gender, and Sexuality Studies classes, so I’m not going to review.
April 13, 2023
Oh wow. Eins der wichtigsten Bücher was ich je gelesen habe, kann es nur empfehlen!! (dicke fette trigger warning though)
February 18, 2018
Undoubtedly, this is an uncomfortable book to read, but I found it challenging and thought provoking. Although rape is a serious issue across genders, this book focus is on female rape, not because women are more important than any other potential victims, but they are the primary targets of the messages and myths that sustain what the author’s calls “rape culture”.
“Rape myths vary among societies and cultures. However, they consistently follow a pattern whereby, they blame the victim for their rape, express a disbelief in claims of rape, exonerate the perpetrator, and allude that only certain types of women are raped”
… psychologists Diana L. Payne, Kimberly A. Lonsway, and Louise F. Fitzgerald expanded upon those four characteristic functions, identifying seven categories under which (American) rape myths fall:
1. She asked for it.
2. It wasn’t really rape.
3. He didn’t mean to.
4. She wanted it.
5. She lied.
6. Rape is a trivial event.
7. Rape is a deviant event.
In her book, Kate Harding addresses these myths, one by one. It’s not a pretty read, the examples are confronting and the statistics sobering. Although uncomfortable, it is an important book to read. There are steps that as a society we can take to address the current situation, by speaking up, stop blaming the victims and instead supporting then. It’s not a matter of playing heroes in dangerous scenarios, but silence is acceptance that equates to enabling the behavior to continue.
We could starting from the little things. As a reader, I noticed the inclusion of children abuse, rough sex or rape, in many recent novels. Fictional rape, in books and on the screen, seems to be used to provide little more than cheap shock value and it normalizes criminal behavior, this is a common complaint of mine. The proliferation and success of such books show that I’m in the minority. If the sex/abuse has no place in the story, it comes out of the blue and has no significant value in the plot, why add it? I don’t like it and tend to put lower rating on such books.
This book is not perfect. I didn’t care much for the author’s sarcastic comments and the need to use offensive language. While I concur with most of her points on what she called “rape culture”, I disagree with some of her arguments later in the book (e.g. when she enters the political arena or expresses extremely wide generalizations ) but overall this was a rewarding read. 3.5 stars
Fav. Quotes:
If the real crime of rape is the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes, then it shouldn’t matter what the victim was wearing, if she was drinking, how much sexual experience she’s had before, or whether she fought hard enough to get bruises on her knuckles and skin under her fingernails. What matters is that the attacker deliberately ignored another person’s basic human right to determine what she does with her own body. It’s not about sex; it’s about power.
Bars and clubs are loud places. When it’s even hard to hear someone yelling, shaking your head and pushing someone’s hands away are, in fact, very direct ways of expressing that you don’t welcome the uninvited touch you’ve just been subjected to. The problem is not that some guys don’t get it; it’s that some guys don’t want to hear it.
As a society, we probably won’t get that through our collective thick skull until we stop thinking of rape as an accident, a moment of sexual incontinence easily provoked by revealing clothing and flirtation. As long as we see rapists as average men overcome by lust in a particular moment, as opposed to the opportunistic predators they typically are, we will keep giving criminals a pass to commit more violence in our communities.
Imagine if every pedestrian who reported being hit by a car were thoroughly investigated for evidence of suicidality, while the driver’s claim of “I didn’t see him there” would be reason enough to drop any charges.
No matter what an “expert” witness might say, the only part of the human body capable of consenting to sex is the brain. And the trauma it sustains from rape can’t be photographed and blown up for a jury to see.
“Rape myths vary among societies and cultures. However, they consistently follow a pattern whereby, they blame the victim for their rape, express a disbelief in claims of rape, exonerate the perpetrator, and allude that only certain types of women are raped”
… psychologists Diana L. Payne, Kimberly A. Lonsway, and Louise F. Fitzgerald expanded upon those four characteristic functions, identifying seven categories under which (American) rape myths fall:
1. She asked for it.
2. It wasn’t really rape.
3. He didn’t mean to.
4. She wanted it.
5. She lied.
6. Rape is a trivial event.
7. Rape is a deviant event.
In her book, Kate Harding addresses these myths, one by one. It’s not a pretty read, the examples are confronting and the statistics sobering. Although uncomfortable, it is an important book to read. There are steps that as a society we can take to address the current situation, by speaking up, stop blaming the victims and instead supporting then. It’s not a matter of playing heroes in dangerous scenarios, but silence is acceptance that equates to enabling the behavior to continue.
We could starting from the little things. As a reader, I noticed the inclusion of children abuse, rough sex or rape, in many recent novels. Fictional rape, in books and on the screen, seems to be used to provide little more than cheap shock value and it normalizes criminal behavior, this is a common complaint of mine. The proliferation and success of such books show that I’m in the minority. If the sex/abuse has no place in the story, it comes out of the blue and has no significant value in the plot, why add it? I don’t like it and tend to put lower rating on such books.
This book is not perfect. I didn’t care much for the author’s sarcastic comments and the need to use offensive language. While I concur with most of her points on what she called “rape culture”, I disagree with some of her arguments later in the book (e.g. when she enters the political arena or expresses extremely wide generalizations ) but overall this was a rewarding read. 3.5 stars
Fav. Quotes:
If the real crime of rape is the violation of another person’s autonomy, the use of another person’s body against their wishes, then it shouldn’t matter what the victim was wearing, if she was drinking, how much sexual experience she’s had before, or whether she fought hard enough to get bruises on her knuckles and skin under her fingernails. What matters is that the attacker deliberately ignored another person’s basic human right to determine what she does with her own body. It’s not about sex; it’s about power.
Bars and clubs are loud places. When it’s even hard to hear someone yelling, shaking your head and pushing someone’s hands away are, in fact, very direct ways of expressing that you don’t welcome the uninvited touch you’ve just been subjected to. The problem is not that some guys don’t get it; it’s that some guys don’t want to hear it.
As a society, we probably won’t get that through our collective thick skull until we stop thinking of rape as an accident, a moment of sexual incontinence easily provoked by revealing clothing and flirtation. As long as we see rapists as average men overcome by lust in a particular moment, as opposed to the opportunistic predators they typically are, we will keep giving criminals a pass to commit more violence in our communities.
Imagine if every pedestrian who reported being hit by a car were thoroughly investigated for evidence of suicidality, while the driver’s claim of “I didn’t see him there” would be reason enough to drop any charges.
No matter what an “expert” witness might say, the only part of the human body capable of consenting to sex is the brain. And the trauma it sustains from rape can’t be photographed and blown up for a jury to see.
January 31, 2017
I get that the subject of this book is off-putting. The situation is appalling. Still, this is something that every person of conscience should look into and try to fully understand. This book is an excellent place to start. It's well researched, argued and ordered. Really, the only thing about it I find less than acceptable, if not exceptional, is it's cover.
June 7, 2018
Most of the facts and statistics in this book are completely despicable. It makes me too sick to read it for too long.
April 27, 2018
I just finished reading Asking For It, and all I can say is… “wow”... When I first picked this book up (or rather, saw the title on OverDrive because I’m an avid Ebook reader), I was curious and found the summary of the work interesting and very pertinent to events that have happened (and continue to occur). I had heard of the phrase “rape-culture” when I was in my early 20’s and, while I agreed that our society was definitely guilty about cultivating this type of culture, I only had a vague sense of what that phrase meant. I had thought it just meant victim blaming ...which isn’t exactly wrong per se, but it’s so much more than that and this book is definitely a gold-mine of information on what rape-culture looks like, it’s origins and how it has (unfortunately) evolved with technology and the media, as well as what’s being done to counteract it.
But before I go much further, I highly commend and greatly appreciate the author’s way to write such a book without it being a bashing session on males and why men are evil beings. The author states, multiple times, that men aren’t animals who are merely slaves to their limbidos and who, at a moments notice, might just go rape somebody. Rapists are criminals who absolutely give absolutely no regard to anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, and physical and/or emotional boundaries. The author oftentimes calls out both men and women when they are furthering to perpetuate rape-culture. Now, to carry one with my review.
At times this book made me realize just how much about this topic that I didn’t know about and at other times I found myself nodding my head in confirmation of what I was reading because I was already aware of some of this. I was shocked and a little embarrassed because, when I was younger, I used to believe some of the rape myths that the author talks about. At one point, I had believed that if a female dressed a certain way (either scantily clad or extremely revealing) that doing so would almost… invite negativity or unwanted attention. I was young and impressionable, and I was taught to think that this was acceptable or just a way of life, and it didn’t help that a lot of the television or movies I watched affirmed what I had been told. I was being influenced by rape-culture from a young age and I didn’t even know it. Of course, now that I’m older, I know better. No one invites unwanted attention and most certainly no one deserves to be sexually assaulted for any reason.
I am really glad that I read this book because it was definitely an eye-opener in ways that I didn’t expect when I first started reading it. I am horrified and angry about how rape or sexual assault claims or cases had been handled (and probably some that are still being handled in the same way today) in the past. It has definitely strengthened my awareness of how steeped our society is in rape-culture. Alternatively, another realization this book has made me aware of though… are all the ways that people are banding together to not only fight for justice for those who have been sexually assaulted but also the support and understanding that is sweeping over all of the sexism, hate, and automatic disbelief of female (and male) victims of rape or sexual assaults. It is inspiring to see that there are support groups and the like on college campuses and on the internet and, increasingly, that there is a massive steamrolling train of backlash for anyone who is simply accepting rape-culture as “daily life” or something that “just happens” and not questioning and doing something about this injustice.
I could go on and on about this book, but then you would miss out on the great, and tasteful, way that Kate Harding writes about this topic... and so on that note, I'll just highly recommend that everyone should read this book.
But before I go much further, I highly commend and greatly appreciate the author’s way to write such a book without it being a bashing session on males and why men are evil beings. The author states, multiple times, that men aren’t animals who are merely slaves to their limbidos and who, at a moments notice, might just go rape somebody. Rapists are criminals who absolutely give absolutely no regard to anyone else’s feelings, thoughts, and physical and/or emotional boundaries. The author oftentimes calls out both men and women when they are furthering to perpetuate rape-culture. Now, to carry one with my review.
At times this book made me realize just how much about this topic that I didn’t know about and at other times I found myself nodding my head in confirmation of what I was reading because I was already aware of some of this. I was shocked and a little embarrassed because, when I was younger, I used to believe some of the rape myths that the author talks about. At one point, I had believed that if a female dressed a certain way (either scantily clad or extremely revealing) that doing so would almost… invite negativity or unwanted attention. I was young and impressionable, and I was taught to think that this was acceptable or just a way of life, and it didn’t help that a lot of the television or movies I watched affirmed what I had been told. I was being influenced by rape-culture from a young age and I didn’t even know it. Of course, now that I’m older, I know better. No one invites unwanted attention and most certainly no one deserves to be sexually assaulted for any reason.
I am really glad that I read this book because it was definitely an eye-opener in ways that I didn’t expect when I first started reading it. I am horrified and angry about how rape or sexual assault claims or cases had been handled (and probably some that are still being handled in the same way today) in the past. It has definitely strengthened my awareness of how steeped our society is in rape-culture. Alternatively, another realization this book has made me aware of though… are all the ways that people are banding together to not only fight for justice for those who have been sexually assaulted but also the support and understanding that is sweeping over all of the sexism, hate, and automatic disbelief of female (and male) victims of rape or sexual assaults. It is inspiring to see that there are support groups and the like on college campuses and on the internet and, increasingly, that there is a massive steamrolling train of backlash for anyone who is simply accepting rape-culture as “daily life” or something that “just happens” and not questioning and doing something about this injustice.
I could go on and on about this book, but then you would miss out on the great, and tasteful, way that Kate Harding writes about this topic... and so on that note, I'll just highly recommend that everyone should read this book.
August 15, 2017
This was truly brilliant and should be required reading for all humans. I learnt a lot.
Received for free via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Received for free via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
October 2, 2022
If you don’t know a lot about rape culture, this is an excellent book to start with. I’m giving it 3 stars only because after working with sexual assault survivors and much up close and personal experience with rape culture, this didn’t contain a ton of new thoughts or information. It’s a great primer and is packed full of great information. Highly recommend.
March 16, 2016
Painful but important read. I really wanted to read this book for quite awhile. Rape culture, the culture of entitlement, etc. are not just buzzwords but are part of a great problem of sexual violence. Harder looks at the various aspects of rape culture in society, in the media, by law enforcement, at universities, etc. and examines what it is, how it manifests itself and the often painful consequences.
Harding looks at the various myths of rape culture and how powerfully they play in our mindsets. The victim wanted it, the rapist didn't know/made a mistake, the victim is lying, the only people who rape are random creepos and rape is relatively rare, etc. While she poises the rapists as being men and the victims women for the sake of simplicity, the author repeatedly acknowledges throughout the book that men can be victims as well, and that they face a stigma in coming forward (such as say in the military, which makes it difficult for both men and women).
It was an infuriating and frustrating read. She goes through cases and cases of rapes. Many of them you've very likely heard of (they were in the news and were often very big stories), and some are much more intimate (such as her own while in college), but nonetheless no matter how "well known" the case is, the book looks at how rape culture plays a role in why many victims never come forward, fear for their lives/reputations/social circles as they aren't believed or even driven out of town, where police/prosecutors don't/won't pursue the case and how many of the accused get very light sentences if they are punished at all.
I have to say, while I am no expert nor am I totally ignorant to rape culture, I found this very informative. Painful too, sometimes I just couldn't bear to read about rape after rape after rape. Just today as I was finishing this up I read an article about how Jaycee Dugard (kidnapped, raped repeatedly and held for 18 years) would not be able to sue the state of California for failing to monitor her captor, Phillip Garrido. Apparently the reasoning is because the state had no way of knowing she'd be specifically targeted.
As it was also reported he had already been convicted of a rape I just wanted to throw up my hands at yet another failure of the justice system. Harding looks at pro-active-ness and asks whether further rapes could have been prevented if law enforcement had done its job and not blamed the victim. Or in situations where bystanders did not participate in the rape but would actively intervene either.
Sometimes I felt the book could get a little too snarky, a little too ranty. Which is not necessarily wrong (I feel like taking a shower after reading all the horrible things in this book) but I'm very sure there are going to be people will find some way to be offended over something in the text.
That said, it made me think about how I behave: I've never been the type to go clubbing or frat parties. I don't drink and don't like being out at night. Part of it is purely due to personality (never a partier, not a night owl) but part of it is because as the book says, some of us constantly think of our safety. Then there is the other side: people accuse me of not wanting to have fun, being unwilling to push my boundaries so I'll never fully "live" etc.. Harding discusses how someone can do everything "right": not be alone, being aware, etc. but in the end that may not be enough. All of that is extremely sad.
There's a lot to digest in the book. I think a lot of people who really, REALLY need to read books like this probably won't, unfortunately. People already really familiar with rape culture it might be a little basic for them but as a basic primer it might not be a bad place to start. I got it from the library and that's about right for me. It's not something I'd really want in my apartment any longer than it has to be, but for the right person it could be a good reference or starting point.
Harding looks at the various myths of rape culture and how powerfully they play in our mindsets. The victim wanted it, the rapist didn't know/made a mistake, the victim is lying, the only people who rape are random creepos and rape is relatively rare, etc. While she poises the rapists as being men and the victims women for the sake of simplicity, the author repeatedly acknowledges throughout the book that men can be victims as well, and that they face a stigma in coming forward (such as say in the military, which makes it difficult for both men and women).
It was an infuriating and frustrating read. She goes through cases and cases of rapes. Many of them you've very likely heard of (they were in the news and were often very big stories), and some are much more intimate (such as her own while in college), but nonetheless no matter how "well known" the case is, the book looks at how rape culture plays a role in why many victims never come forward, fear for their lives/reputations/social circles as they aren't believed or even driven out of town, where police/prosecutors don't/won't pursue the case and how many of the accused get very light sentences if they are punished at all.
I have to say, while I am no expert nor am I totally ignorant to rape culture, I found this very informative. Painful too, sometimes I just couldn't bear to read about rape after rape after rape. Just today as I was finishing this up I read an article about how Jaycee Dugard (kidnapped, raped repeatedly and held for 18 years) would not be able to sue the state of California for failing to monitor her captor, Phillip Garrido. Apparently the reasoning is because the state had no way of knowing she'd be specifically targeted.
As it was also reported he had already been convicted of a rape I just wanted to throw up my hands at yet another failure of the justice system. Harding looks at pro-active-ness and asks whether further rapes could have been prevented if law enforcement had done its job and not blamed the victim. Or in situations where bystanders did not participate in the rape but would actively intervene either.
Sometimes I felt the book could get a little too snarky, a little too ranty. Which is not necessarily wrong (I feel like taking a shower after reading all the horrible things in this book) but I'm very sure there are going to be people will find some way to be offended over something in the text.
That said, it made me think about how I behave: I've never been the type to go clubbing or frat parties. I don't drink and don't like being out at night. Part of it is purely due to personality (never a partier, not a night owl) but part of it is because as the book says, some of us constantly think of our safety. Then there is the other side: people accuse me of not wanting to have fun, being unwilling to push my boundaries so I'll never fully "live" etc.. Harding discusses how someone can do everything "right": not be alone, being aware, etc. but in the end that may not be enough. All of that is extremely sad.
There's a lot to digest in the book. I think a lot of people who really, REALLY need to read books like this probably won't, unfortunately. People already really familiar with rape culture it might be a little basic for them but as a basic primer it might not be a bad place to start. I got it from the library and that's about right for me. It's not something I'd really want in my apartment any longer than it has to be, but for the right person it could be a good reference or starting point.
March 29, 2020
"I read this book and got what I expected - this is a very important book.
The basis here is to open our eyes to the stereotypical 'rape'. Society (although learning and developing) still holds an outdated view that rape is a sexual assault by the guy hiding in the bushes, knife in hand who leaps onto the unsuspecting 19yo blonde who is enjoying a jog through the park at night.
As highlighted by the book there are two flaws with this stereotype. Firstly rapes occur during daylight hours, without weapons, to all ages, both sexes and people of all appearances. They occur in the home, at friend's houses, at schools and workplaces but so often overlooked, they occur between people who know each
other. They may have had a previous sexual relationship, may be on a first date, may be long time friends having too many drinks or may even in fact be a current couple or married. And this is the second flaw of the above mentioned stereotype - rape does not have to be between strangers. Does not have to be some disgustingly horny guy who will take sex from anyone he can get it from. Rape is when a person does not want sexual activity - and that is all activity not just penetration.
98+% of us (hopefully) have read the previous paragraph and said ""well yes I know that and respect that"". This book highlights the neanderthals who are still living in a bygone era where sex is the right of the guy and any woman who refuses it is surely a feminist lesbian.
Written by Kate Harding, a proud and prominent feminist who has written on many a blog and has attributed to other works on this subject. Yes Kate is a feminist but is also married to a man - just to dispel
the 'feminist lesbian' ideal. Having said that who cares if she or others are feminist lesbians? Firstly there is NOTHING wrong with that and secondly does that mean they are wrong and rape is ok? NO IT DOES NOT!!
This book is all about the struggles to get all rapes defined as rapes. To eradicate the stupid and appalling excuses - she was drunk, she was asking for it, she was practically naked etc.
As you can see I have given this book 5 stars because to me it deserves 4.5 stars but is too important to drop to 4 stars. I take a half star off just for something I disagree with in Kate's book.
Towards the start of the book Kate is talking about reactions from police departments and communities to rapes and other sexual assaults. The overwhelming responses were - you were wearing slutty clothes, you should not have been out so late, you had too much to drink, you had agreed to go back to his house and the like. These are never excuses for rape and
to this point I am 100% in agreement. Police advise women to take self defense classes to which Kate raises the concern of ""moving responsibility"". Why should women be forced to take such measures, why is it their responsibility? Surely the onus should be on the perpetrator to be human and not force themselves onto others. So far still 100% with you!!
Where I vary is this - I would not like a dangerous precedent set here. Absolutely the responsibility falls on the perpetrator and the victim is totally blameless. However that changes nothing because if these disgusting low life scum wish to assault and rape I believe they still will. No punishment has ever eradicated rape or even murder so expecting them to take responsibility seems a moot point to me. Victims should never have to be victims but if it gets to the point where it is happening by all means lash out and fight. And this is why I still value self defense classes for anyone who could possibly find themsel
ves in this situation.
Not forgetting of course that some still believe history, such as a previous sexual relationship, means that current circumstances do not constitute rape. That being said is a simple 'NO' going to get through? I am sorry if I misinterpreted your book Kate and if I did you are welcome to claim the missing half star. "
The basis here is to open our eyes to the stereotypical 'rape'. Society (although learning and developing) still holds an outdated view that rape is a sexual assault by the guy hiding in the bushes, knife in hand who leaps onto the unsuspecting 19yo blonde who is enjoying a jog through the park at night.
As highlighted by the book there are two flaws with this stereotype. Firstly rapes occur during daylight hours, without weapons, to all ages, both sexes and people of all appearances. They occur in the home, at friend's houses, at schools and workplaces but so often overlooked, they occur between people who know each
other. They may have had a previous sexual relationship, may be on a first date, may be long time friends having too many drinks or may even in fact be a current couple or married. And this is the second flaw of the above mentioned stereotype - rape does not have to be between strangers. Does not have to be some disgustingly horny guy who will take sex from anyone he can get it from. Rape is when a person does not want sexual activity - and that is all activity not just penetration.
98+% of us (hopefully) have read the previous paragraph and said ""well yes I know that and respect that"". This book highlights the neanderthals who are still living in a bygone era where sex is the right of the guy and any woman who refuses it is surely a feminist lesbian.
Written by Kate Harding, a proud and prominent feminist who has written on many a blog and has attributed to other works on this subject. Yes Kate is a feminist but is also married to a man - just to dispel
the 'feminist lesbian' ideal. Having said that who cares if she or others are feminist lesbians? Firstly there is NOTHING wrong with that and secondly does that mean they are wrong and rape is ok? NO IT DOES NOT!!
This book is all about the struggles to get all rapes defined as rapes. To eradicate the stupid and appalling excuses - she was drunk, she was asking for it, she was practically naked etc.
As you can see I have given this book 5 stars because to me it deserves 4.5 stars but is too important to drop to 4 stars. I take a half star off just for something I disagree with in Kate's book.
Towards the start of the book Kate is talking about reactions from police departments and communities to rapes and other sexual assaults. The overwhelming responses were - you were wearing slutty clothes, you should not have been out so late, you had too much to drink, you had agreed to go back to his house and the like. These are never excuses for rape and
to this point I am 100% in agreement. Police advise women to take self defense classes to which Kate raises the concern of ""moving responsibility"". Why should women be forced to take such measures, why is it their responsibility? Surely the onus should be on the perpetrator to be human and not force themselves onto others. So far still 100% with you!!
Where I vary is this - I would not like a dangerous precedent set here. Absolutely the responsibility falls on the perpetrator and the victim is totally blameless. However that changes nothing because if these disgusting low life scum wish to assault and rape I believe they still will. No punishment has ever eradicated rape or even murder so expecting them to take responsibility seems a moot point to me. Victims should never have to be victims but if it gets to the point where it is happening by all means lash out and fight. And this is why I still value self defense classes for anyone who could possibly find themsel
ves in this situation.
Not forgetting of course that some still believe history, such as a previous sexual relationship, means that current circumstances do not constitute rape. That being said is a simple 'NO' going to get through? I am sorry if I misinterpreted your book Kate and if I did you are welcome to claim the missing half star. "
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