About Uncle

1

One night I woke up convinced that Uncle had escaped through the hole in the toilet, and when I opened the door I found that Uncle had indeed escaped through the hole in the toilet, and the floor tiles were scattered with toilet-paper confetti and hundreds of white feathers, as if someone had been having a pillow fight, and the toilet bowl and the walls were stippled with hairs and all sorts of excretions, and looking at the little porcelain hole I told myself, It can’t have been easy for Uncle, and I wondered what I could do to get him out of there, after all Uncle must weigh a good two hundred pounds, and the first thing I did was take the toilet brush and shove it as far as I could down the hole, through the pool of stagnant brown water at the bottom, and I churned with the brush but it didn’t do any good, Uncle might already have reached the septic tank, and as I churned the murky water sloshed onto the floor, carrying various repellent substances along with it, and I slipped and slid and my knees sank into the muck, and it felt almost like walking in the bay just after the tide has gone out, when it’s all sludge and stench.

On all fours, drenched to my elbows in filth, I held my breath and bent over the toilet and stuck in my head, and I shouted Uncle’s name into the water, and Uncle’s name resounded in the depths but Uncle didn’t answer, so I decided there was nothing more I could do to save him, and for once he’d have to find his way out on his own, and just then my brother opened the door behind me, and my brother was wearing a day-glo green T-shirt that just barely came down to his navel, and the T-shirt had día libre written on it, and my brother always sleeps in that T-shirt, and every thread of that T-shirt is impregnated with the scent of a flower, the scent of one of those delectable flowers that bloom in the yard in spring, and my brother is a fervent devotee of flowers and love, and he walked in with his eyes still half-closed from deep sleep, and I asked if he’d slept well, and my brother covered his nose with his T-shirt, and he reached out to help me up and said: Today it’s your turn to clean, I did it yesterday.

2

Uncle sits with his stomach crammed between him and the table, and Uncle’s stomach is so fat that it doesn’t seem like a part of his body, it’s like a package he’s carrying, or a pet, but it should also be said that Uncle always sits up very straight despite what must be a very heavy stomach, his back obediently conforms to the chair back instead of the other way around, and his pet stomach always spills over the table a little, and it wiggles and gurgles just like an animal lying in his lap, and Uncle looks at the television’s dark screen and says It’s really too bad the TV isn’t working.

The television’s dark screen is dotted with fingerprints because back when the TV was working Uncle liked to press his fat index finger to it, and although the TV doesn’t work anymore Uncle goes on looking at the dark screen until I bring him his dinner, as if he could still see some trace of his favorite shows in that void, and when I set down the plate Uncle rubs his hands and says No seagull today, and he chuckles, but I don’t find it all that funny, so I smile, and I answer No, no seagull today, and Uncle says Pepper and I say In the kitchen, and Uncle gets up and heads off for the pepper, and his breathing is loud, and now and then he lets out a little cough.

Back at the table, he peppers his omelet by smacking the bottom of the plastic shaker with the palm of his hand till the pepper suddenly comes out, and once he considers his omelet sufficiently peppered, which is to say evenly coated with a layer of gray dust, Uncle sets about eating it, but with the first bite the pepper gets up Uncle’s nose and tears come to his eyes, and he turns bright red, and that’s when Uncle sneezes, very loudly the first time, and the second time even louder, not troubling to cover his mouth, and he spatters the table, and keeping calm I suggest that he blow his nose.

And if I can keep calm it’s because I’m used to these explosions, but Uncle doesn’t have time to take my advice, because another sneeze is coming, rising up from the depths, likely to devastate everything in its path, and I take it upon myself to hand him a Kleenex, and now Uncle’s whole head has turned scarlet, as if it were about to burst, and so it does, yet again, and Uncle spews out a sizable wad of runny omelet, whereupon I allow myself to offer him a second piece of advice, not so calmly this time, which is that he would do well to go easy on the pepper if he can’t handle it.

But Uncle is certain his sneezing fits have nothing to do with the pepper, he rejects my advice with a snort, as if it were founded in some weird crackpot theory, and all I can do is hand him another Kleenex, and he loudly blows his nose then gets up to toss the used Kleenex into the cold fireplace, and he comes back out of breath, visibly unsteady on his feet, and he sits down again, and he finishes his omelet, and he says it’s a very good omelet, and along with the omelet there are slices of tomato and a piece of garlic-rubbed bread, and as always Uncle saves his favorite part for last, and he starts in on the bread, groaning, moaning, letting out little grunts of pleasure.

Uncle always sits in the spot nearest the television, and I always sit in the spot farthest from Uncle, and my brother, before he left us, took to sitting well away from the table, and away from Uncle and away from me, because he was happier eating on the couch, behind Uncle’s back, and sometimes, in those not-so-long-ago days when the TV was working, Uncle watched the news as he ate, and when he watched the news he turned up the sound as loud as it would go, and the frightening, sensationalistic news dispensed by the tiny old television distracted him from his eating, and one of his favorite things was to comment on and exaggerate the stories being reported, and he said it was going to be 600 degrees out the next day, and he said a comet would soon graze the coast of Brittany, and he said the virus was spread by fly bites, and he said there were giant ticks on the Belgian border, and I knew my brother was finding it harder and harder to hear Uncle spout those absurdities, and sometimes my brother tried to explain to Uncle why he shouldn’t believe everything they said on TV, but that’s not how Uncle saw it, he said the world was more interesting this way, swollen, inflated, glutted with faraway, murderous happenings, like a low-budget disaster movie played over and over.

Eventually my brother gave up arguing with him and stopped watching the news, and at dinnertime, as Uncle sat hypnotized by the TV with his food going cold in front of him,