The Commissions

PART 1

NOVEMBER 1999

SAN FRANCISCO

THE SETUP

1

THE STATION

Name?

Emit Hopper.

Occupation?

Laundromat owner—well, artist.

The cop looked up from typing. So, which is it?

I tilted my head. Technically, both.

We’ll put laundromat owner.

Can you put artist?

The cop ignored me.

Seriously, I said.

Do you know what you’re being charged with?

Being outside?

Don’t be a smart-ass.

Fine. Drawing outside.

You’re being charged with lewd behavior.

I was standing in the courtyard of a museum, drawing a picture. How is that lewd?

You were taking pictures of women.

"I was taking pictures of a sculpture—of Rodin’s The Thinker, to be precise."

The cop leaned back. So which is it then? Were you drawing? Or taking photos?

Both.

I see. So you’re a photographer now too? He leaned forward. Should I list that under occupation as well? He shot me a look. You know, as long as we’re being precise.

I wanted to say: Now who’s being a smart-ass? But even I knew better. So instead I said, I was starting the drawing from life, but was taking reference photos of the light and shadow so I could finish back in my studio.

Uh-huh.

It’s called plein air drawing.

It’s called being a perv.

A different cop led me out of the bullpen and through a heavy steel door dotted with rivets so large they looked like they should be holding a bridge together.

You’re kidding. I said. You’re seriously going to put me in a cell?

The cop didn’t reply. She directed me down a pale yellow hallway lined with green bars, then slid open the door of a holding cell. Inside was one other man, standing in the corner, holding up a pair of over-sized pants with a thumb hooked through a belt loop. I turned to look at the cop as she held the door.

And what about a phone call? Isn’t that how this is supposed to go?

Sir, please, she said, gesturing for me to go inside.

Please, I thought. Funny how people with power over you find it necessary to be polite.

I stared at her for a few seconds, then, shaking my head, complied.

As she slid the door closed behind me, I looked at my cellmate. He was wild-eyed and grinning. I wondered if his belt had been taken from him, but then saw that his pants were brand-new and several sizes too large, and that he was also shoeless, so figured he probably came in that way—if he’d come in dressed at all. I shrugged and gave him a look that said, Oh well, what are you gonna do? and he gave me a thumbs-up—with the thumb not holding his pants. Then I lay on the metal bench farthest from him, folded my arms over my chest, and stared at the ceiling.

A short time later I heard footsteps approaching, then a voice bark, Hopper!

I looked through the bars to see a woman, short, late thirties, dressed in black nylon pants and a starched white button-down blouse with wide, pointy lapels.

The metal door slid open.

Follow me, she said.

I left the cell and followed her back down the barred hallway, out the steel door, and into another hallway where the woman opened another door and gestured for me to go in.

I’d expected an interrogation room, but instead found an office, though it may as well have been a storage closet. Strewn haphazardly around the room were boxes of papers, stacks of folders, and piles of phones. There was a desk and two plastic chairs, also loaded.

I’m Lieutenant Ocampo, the woman said, following me in and closing the door. She went to the far side of the desk, cleared off a chair, then gestured to the other. Have a seat.

I stayed standing.

This is totally ridiculous, I said. I’ve done nothing wrong.

Her eyes told me she’d heard those words more times than she could count.

I don’t even know what I’m being accused of.

We received a complaint of lewd behavior.

Yeah, but from who? And lewd in what way?

Once again the lieutenant motioned toward the chair opposite her. Please, she said. Sit.

Again with the Please.

Seeing no other choice, I moved a stack of binders from the chair to the floor, then sat.

The desk was a mess, but amid the clutter I saw my camera: Pentax K1000. A classic SLR—single-lens reflex—fully manual, 35-millimeter film. What today would be called old-school. To a camera buff it probably wasn’t anything special, but seeing that I’d had it since I was twelve years old, it was special to me.

The lieutenant held up the camera. Can’t afford a peep show? she said, jerking a thumb over her shoulder. North Beach, twenty bucks, you’ll see all the tits and ass you want.

Except I wasn’t taking pictures of women—or men. Or anyone.

That’s not what one woman says.

I raised my arms, let them drop. I was at the Legion of Honor taking pictures of the courtyard and sculpture. Maybe a woman got in one of my shots. I don’t know. I wasn’t looking at the people. I was looking at the light and shadow.

Because you’re an artist?

Exactly.

So why did you tell the booking officer you run a laundromat?

Because I do—or, rather, I own one. It’s on the ground floor of my building, but I don’t run the day-to-day. It’s a nice neighborhood business with a steady income that offers me the freedom to make whatever kind of art I want. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is this stupid charge. It’s completely—

Technically, you haven’t been charged, she said.

Fine. Being brought in, held for questioning, whatever you want to call it. It’s completely absurd. And frankly, I can’t believe the cops bothered to respond to the call let alone haul me in. I’m no expert on procedure, but I’ve met enough cops to know the paperwork alone wouldn’t be worth their time.

Hopper … she said, her brow knotting as she set my camera down. Weren’t you on that TV show in the eighties? You played the character who—

I sighed. You’re thinking of my brother, Brian. We’re identical twins.

Right, she said, smiling as she remembered. But weren’t you some sort of a celebrity too?

"I wrote a book a few years back—Glass Houses … ? I let the title dangle in the air, but it didn’t jog her memory. It was full of drawings of cityscapes, which are what most people remember. Still didn’t ring a bell. Again I sighed. Also, Brian and I were in a band together in the eighties. FurTrading? You may remember our one song—"

‘The Beginning is the End’! she said, laughing. Oh my god. I remember you guys.

Right. Well, now I write books, draw pictures, and generally make weird art.

Which is what you were doing at the museum? Making weird art?

Exactly, I said. Or, kind of. I was drawing—which I don’t consider to be weird art—I just mean— I stopped, took a breath. I take commissions. People pay me to draw their houses, their neighborhoods, the church where they got married, the view from their office—the museum—you name it. Lately I do a lot of drawings of the bridge. It’s not the kind of art the MOMA thinks highly of, but it makes people happy, and, more importantly, I enjoy it. I told all of this to the cops who brought me in. They had a thousand questions too, and—

But if you were drawing, then why do you need a camera?

Because I can’t finish the drawings on site—or, I can, only not to the extent I would like. When it comes to light and shadow, it takes time to render the nuances, which change quickly because the sun is constantly moving. Ten minutes and a scene can look totally different. So I take reference photos to capture the moment I want. Then, when I’m back in my studio, I use the photos to finish the drawing.

She picked up my block of watercolor paper. On the top sheet was an unfinished line drawing of the famous statue at the entrance to the Legion of Honor, Rodin’s The Thinker.

And this drawing, it’s a commission?

I nodded.

Are you having an exhibition there? Or …?

The museum isn’t involved. It’s a private commission.

She studied the drawing. Not bad. Even though it was no more than a few lines, and, honestly, a poor first attempt. If the cops hadn’t shown up and escorted me away, I probably would have started it over. But I couldn’t see how telling her that was going to help me.

Thanks, I said. So do you believe me? Can I go?

She picked up my camera again. If I were to develop the film in here, what would I find?

Two dozen tedious reference photos of the Legion’s courtyard.

She eyed me while trying to decide how much of an ass I was being.

Please, I said. Develop the film. Print it, even. You’ll be doing me a favor. The one-hour joints are unreliable and disappearing every day. And the only other way to get prints made is to either send out the rolls—which takes forever—or go to the upscale art developers, which cost an arm and a leg. When all I want are fast, basic prints to finish my drawings.

The lieutenant set my camera on her desk. Tell me. The people who ‘accidentally’ end up in your photos, do they tend to know you’re taking pictures of them?

"Well, I’m not actually taking pictures of people, so …"

She rolled her eyes. You know what I mean. When you’re outside drawing, do people tend to notice you?

And how is this relevant to what supposedly happened at the museum?

She stared at me.

I looked at the ceiling and thought about it. Actually, I said, yeah. People do tend to notice me. Because I’m doing something out of the ordinary. I mean, it doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, but people aren’t used to coming upon someone drawing. And even more so when I’m in the busier parts of the city. Drawing at a museum, that’s almost expected, but standing on a random street corner downtown with a bag of art supplies at your feet—

And how do people react to you?

Depends. Most with little more than a passing glance, but a fair amount are curious. Like I said, it’s because I’m doing something unusual. Imagine you’re walking along a busy sidewalk and you pass someone who’s standing still, a hand cupped over their eyes, staring up at the sky. You can’t help but look and see what has their attention. It’s like that. Common curiosity. But most people, once they see what I’m doing, they tend to move on—though there is always the random gabber. Someone who realizes you’re a stationary target and just walks up and starts talking. Also, for some reason the homeless seem to like me. Last week a guy living out of a shopping cart went into a bodega and bought me a soda—which I hadn’t asked for.

But no one finds you suspicious?

I shrugged. Certainly no one has ever called the police on me before—until now, that is.

What about people inside the buildings? Do they ever wonder why you’re drawing their house? Maybe think you’re casing the place?

Not that I know of—why? Has someone accused me of that too?

She ignored the jab. Which means you could sit on a corner for hours drawing, taking all kinds of photos, and no one would give you any trouble? Would you say that’s right?

I opened my hands. I suppose. Barring the occasional woman who calls the police because she thinks I’m peeking down her shirt—or whatever I’m being accused of. You still haven’t told me.

The lieutenant licked her lips and began nodding. Good, she said. Because there’s somewhere I want you to draw.

2

SPRUNG

Two cops drove me back to the Legion. Not the same pair who’d hauled me in—though I wished they had been. On the drive to the station I’d been grilled the entire way: Why was I at the museum? Did I make a habit of lurking around public sites with my camera? Did I have any unusual proclivities that had been getting out of hand? They were the kind of questions you’d expect, along with some odd ones as well: How much money did I make? What were my politics? Did I have any children? At the time I assumed they were pushing for information about the supposed incident at the museum, but after what the lieutenant had just pulled, I was starting to think something else might be going on. What that might possibly be, I had no idea. And I was wishing I’d asked a few more odd questions of my own. I decided better late than never.

So is this because of the election? I asked the cops in the front seat. There was a highly charged mayoral run-off election coming up, after the incumbent Willie Brown had shocked the entire city by failing to be reelected two weeks earlier. Is Willie so worried about losing his crown that he’s suddenly trying to look tough on crime? Ordering you guys to respond to every petty call, no matter how crackpot or thin?

But unlike my previous escorts, these two weren’t saying a word.

It was dusk when we pulled up to the Legion. The museum was closed, and mine was the only car left in the lot. The cop riding shotgun got out and opened the back door for me, and it was only after she’d gotten back in that I saw the ticket under my windshield wiper. I turned to complain, but the cruiser was already driving off.

Gusts of icy wind were whipping off the ocean, and the fog was so heavy it was practically rain. I quickly got into the car, turned on the ignition, and cranked up the heater. I owned a 1990 Mazda Miata, a yellow, stripped-down two-seater with a black canvas convertible roof which a month earlier some delightful citizen had sliced so they could reach in, unlock the door, and find there wasn’t even a radio. I’d paid my insurance deductible and gotten the soft top replaced, but when two weeks later it happened again, I just laid a strip of duct tape over the gash and wrote in Sharpie: PEEL HERE. The parking ticket was insult to injury, but given how wet the evening was, I was just happy the duct tape was holding.

Portals of the Past, Golden Gate Park, San Francisco – Patron asked to be unnamed

I was frustrated and hungry, so on the drive home stopped at a Thai place along Clement Street for takeout. Waiting for my Tom Kha soup and pad Thai, I thought about how wrong the day had gone. Getting tossed in a jail cell for a lewd behavior complaint? It was absurd. And the more I thought about it, the more absurd it became. In the sixteen years I’d lived in San Francisco I’d seen more outrageous behavior than I could even remember—junkies shooting up at bus stops, hookers giving blowjobs between parked cars, homeless shitting on doorsteps—all in plain view of cops who didn’t bat an eye. Which isn’t to say that I thought lewd behavior should be ignored, only that I felt pretty confident nothing would come of the complaint—especially because I’d done nothing criminal. Despite my mystery accuser’s claims, I had not been taking surreptitious photos. And even if there had been some sort of scenario that had caused a woman to misinterpret my motives for pointing a camera her way, I was sure that given an opportunity to present my case—meaning not in a back room with a shady cop—I would be able to offer a reasonable explanation. Problem was, I didn’t even know what sort of circumstance I needed to defend myself against. Not only had no one told me the specifics of the complaint, when Ocampo gave my camera back, she’d kept the film.

A petite woman in a long, traditional Thai silk dress handed me a bag with my food, placed her hands together, and bowed. I returned the gesture, then, with dinner in hand, returned to my car. The sweet, warm smell of coconut soup filled the little two-seater. It helped take the edge off the day, but only a little. So to try and shake off my frustration I decided to take the long route home through the park.

Golden Gate Park at that hour was serene. The sunken hollows and rolling meadows were dissolving into foggy nothingness as the haunting groves of eucalyptus trees shed their bark like oversized party streamers. Weaving along John F. Kennedy Drive, I spied two stray buffalo grazing placidly in their reserve, a family of raccoons exploring a trash can, and a lone hobbyist piloting his model sailboat across Spreckels Lake. I passed the Portals of the Past portico, which I had drawn only a few weeks before, followed by the five-story cascade of Rainbow Falls, and a bit further came upon the Conservatory of Flowers, where I spontaneously pulled over, put the car in neutral, and set the parking brake.

Of the stack of commissions I currently had on my plate, the most recent was to draw the historic greenhouse. The hour was too late to do any work on site, but it didn’t matter. The structure was a ruin. Four years earlier, an exceptionally violent windstorm had blown out half the glass windows in the majestic conservatory and destroyed its unique collection of rare plants. The building had since been left to rot, and now locals were banding together to raise funds for restoration. The drawing I’d been tasked to make would be auctioned off as one small part of the effort to raise money for repairs.

I considered my eventual approach. One sunny afternoon I would return to scout the light, but even then I would make only a simple sketch to capture the composition and perspective. To make the finished drawing I would have to reference historic photographs, which was not how I liked to work. I preferred to do as much drawing as possible on site and take my own reference photos. But this was a unique situation. The building was in terrible shape. The once-pristine white structure was now marred by sooty-gray water stains, and what should have been bright and manicured gardens were muddy and overgrown. I’ll admit, I would have loved to draw it that way. Cracks stains—any sort of imperfection—these were what gave a subject character. But as much as I enjoyed drawing broken things, I was certain that a portrayal of the greenhouse in its current state wasn’t what the organizers of the fundraiser were looking for. They wanted a majestic vision of the Conservatory, of how it had been and how it would be again, glorious and full of life. Not broken, splintered, and gone to seed. Which was one of the pitfalls of drawing for anyone other than myself. While I was at liberty to render a reasonable amount of imperfections—was expected to, actually, since, whether a patron was aware of it or not, imperfections were partly what made my work mine—no one wanted a drawing of their favorite site on its worst day. Which made me happy that I was only accepting commissions for architecture. They were far more forgiving than portraiture.

I drove off.

As I left the park and drove Oak Street along the panhandle, my thoughts returned to the ridiculous complaint at the Legion. Aside from the nonsense of having been led from the museum in cuffs, there was the gall of the lieutenant using the accusation as leverage to get me to agree to her plan, which was to meet her the next morning and—I didn’t even know what. Draw some building, I assumed. She’d been as clear about that as she’d been about what I’d supposedly done wrong. For a cop—and a blackmailer—she’d been exceptionally vague. And the only reason I’d gone along with her was so I wouldn’t be put back into a cell. But now that I was free to think the situation through, I was getting annoyed. And the more I thought about it, the more annoyed I grew. By the time I made it to my neighborhood I was full-on angry—and not just at Ocampo, but at myself for going along.

Then, to top things off, parking in the Mission was a nightmare. My building had a one-car garage, but with all the new tech money surging into the neighborhood and the ridiculous prices people were willing to pay—and my being in debt—I’d rented it out. A choice I regretted every time I drove, and was doubly cursing now as I circled the block. As I passed my building for a third time, I won the added bonus of getting stuck behind a bus, and found I was gripping the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles were turning white. So rather than take out my frustrations on my already-abused car, I decided I’d focus on an outlet far more deserving: Ocampo. Whatever her plan, I would make one of my own. By the time I saw her the next morning, I intended on having hired a lawyer and a publicist—and called the Chronicle. Whatever it took, I was going to nail that crooked lieutenant’s ass to the wall.

After squeezing the Miata into a questionable spot between a fire hydrant and garage, I went through my routine of opening the glove box to prove to would-be thieves that there was nothing inside to steal, then I ran my hand over the duct tape on the canvas roof to keep it from losing its tack in the wet air. The Miata’s interior barely stayed dry as it was; I didn’t need a gaping hole in the top to make it worse. Of course, if someone followed the handwritten instructions to PEEL HERE, there wasn’t much I could do. I just hoped they would have the courtesy to smooth it back down when they were done.

The night was chilly. Rivers of fog were rushing down Guerrero Street. But that didn’t stop the party. On the corner of 17th a pack of revelers was spilling out of the 500 Club. The bar was typically a dive for salty renegades, but more and more the crowd was turning bland and cliquish. These were the next generation of San Franciscans, lured to the city by the booming tech industry and, apparently, a promise that they could wear flip-flops no matter the weather. Which I supposed I didn’t have a right to complain about, seeing that what they were willing to pay to rent a garage almost covered what I paid for the mortgage on my flat—and the taxes. Still, I had to step into the street to get around.

Across the street was my building, a three-story Edwardian where I lived on the top floor and owned the laundromat on the ground. The sky was dark and the shop was well-lit, and as I crossed I could see in through the large window to where a handful of customers were folding their clothes.

All looked calm and in order, but still I stepped inside to check. Two weeks earlier, for no apparent reason, the pressure regulator on the water main had burst. The sound had been so loud I’d heard it from upstairs. Luckily it had been two in the morning, when the shop was closed. My first thought had been an earthquake. I ran downstairs to find the equivalent of a fire hydrant erupting. I’d had to shut down for two days to bail the place out. My plumber said it must have been a random surge in the city’s lines, but when I asked him how we could prevent it from happening again, he just shrugged and re-installed the same regulator, which was far from reassuring. I called the PUC to report the incident and ask if they were having any issues, only to be given the standard bureaucratic runaround, put on hold, then transferred again and again until eventually my call was disconnected. Everything about the situation was a pain—and expensive. Which was why I was checking on the pressure every chance I got.

Five customers were inside the shop when I walked in. The last of the early-evening crowd. Each was finishing up in relative step, either pulling their clothes from the dryer or folding the last of a load. After they left there would be a lull, followed by a trickle of loners or speed freaks who had nothing better to do on a Monday night—although with the neighborhood changing, I was noticing fewer tweakers and more tech kids. Which I supposed wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Though certainly not as entertaining. Of the faces in the shop I recognized all, and exchanged a few smiles and nods.

I went into the back office to see if there were any notes from Betty, my shop manager. When I’d first opened, I’d hired her to open a few days a week so that I wouldn’t have to drag myself out of bed at six a.m. every day for the rest of my life, but after the first week she told me I had no business running a laundromat and that she would be working full-time, managing the day-to-day operations. I might have been offended had I not agreed with her, so I told her we could try it out for a month. That was eight years ago, and now I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without her.

Guerrero & 17th Streets, San Francisco – 500 Club (L) and my building (R)

There were no messages, but there was a medium-sized cardboard box with my name handwritten in marker. I picked it up and found it heavy, so left it in the office while I checked on the regulator. The pressure was fine. Though if it wasn’t, and the line was on the verge of surging again, I had no way of knowing. And anyway, it was almost eight. Betty would return in an hour for the routine of shutting the place down and would do her own check. Still, looking made me feel better.

With my drawing bag slung across my shoulder, the mysterious heavy box cradled under one arm, and the bag of Thai food dangling from the crook of my other, I left the shop, went to the front gate, and managed to open it and get through my door. I climbed the two flights to my flat, rounded the landing, and set my load onto the old church pew that I used as a shoe-tying bench. I plopped myself down, took off my shoes, then laid my head back and let out a long sigh. I was still annoyed at the events of the day, but now that I was at home with warm food, my car parked, and having confirmed the shop wasn’t flooding, I was feeling more reasonable. There was no way I was going to stand for whatever shit Ocampo was trying to pull, but I no longer felt the raging need to hire a publicist or call the newspaper. I would still find a lawyer though. I stood up from the pew and went into the studio.

My work space was the entire front of the flat, one double-wide room spanning the full width of the building. Through the window of the round corner bay, light from the 500 Club’s neon sign cast long, angled shadows across the ceiling and lit the space dimly with a red glow. Without turning on any other lights, I sat at my desk, picked up the phone, and dialed my friend Adam.

Aside from being my oldest friend in San Francisco, Adam Levy was also my publisher. He’d have a good laugh at hearing the story of my day, but after that, I had no doubt he would help. More than a purveyor of books, Adam was a born networker. If anyone knew who to call in a situation like this, it would be him.

As the line rang, my eye caught movement in the room. It seemed impossible, and I did a double-take to be certain, but, sure enough, someone had been sleeping on my couch and was now sitting up looking at me. While backlit by the streetlight outside, there was enough ambient glow for me to make out that this person was a young woman, likely a teenager—which was weird, since I didn’t know any teenagers. And even weirder because I lived alone.

She was staring directly at me, and for a moment we both held perfectly still. Adam’s line was still ringing, and before he could answer I hung up.

Can I help you? I said to the stranger in my studio, lowering the receiver.

That’s a pretty great name for a laundromat, the young woman said. Is that how you feel about yourself?

Yes. Now how the hell did you get in here?

Betty let me in.

And why would she do that?

Because I told her you might be my father.

Mid-Century Monster, Lake Merritt, Oakland, CA, sculpture by Robert Winston, 1952. 1 of 2 drawings – Commissioned by Rita Lowe. Rita grew up close to Jack London Square. As a child, she and her two younger sisters, Leanna and Trisha, played on the beach of Lake Merritt, home to the Green Monster. Leanna was killed in a car accident when she was sixteen, and for what would have been her thirtieth birthday, Rita commissioned two drawings of the sculpture, one for Trisha and one for herself.

3

ROCK OF THE BEAST

I ran a glass of water for the young woman, then poured myself a hefty dose of bourbon. After hearing her bold pronouncement, I’d told her not to say another word until I got myself a drink. Now we were in the back of my flat, standing at the large center kitchen island of my recently remodeled great room.

I know it’s a surprise, the stranger claiming to be my daughter said as I lifted the whiskey to my lips. I imagine there’s no good way to do this.

I wanted to say there were surely better ways than sneaking into a stranger’s home and lying in wait to ambush him, but mostly I was thinking about the hell I was going to give Betty for letting her in.

I downed the whiskey, allowed a few seconds for the booze to take effect, then finally gave the young woman a good look. Tall, just under six feet, she was wearing an oversized black hoodie, black jeans, and black-and-white Converse shoes. Her hair was sandy blond, and her features had that ambiguous Germanic-Scandinavian blend that, as much as I wanted to find a reason to dismiss her, could easily have been the Hopper bloodline.

And how old are you exactly?

She didn’t answer. She was looking around. The renovations had finished less than two weeks before, and everything was still reading very new. The building was a standard early-1900s Victorian, which meant a lot of small rooms separated by a maze of walls that looked charming but were impractical for modern life. I had already opened up the front of the flat to make the studio when I’d bought the place, and this round had every non-load-bearing wall in the back removed to combine the kitchen, living room, pantry, and odd in-between closet-like hallway into one main space. The only fixed object in the new great room was the island, a six-by-fifteen-foot thing of beauty with four-inch-thick butcher-block top, double-bowl sink, and shiny new inset appliances. The work had taken eight months—and ultimately cost me three times what I’d budgeted—but the final result was incredible, like being able to breathe when you hadn’t even realized you’d been holding your breath. So much that at the last minute I spontaneously decided to add a deck onto the back of the building, plunging me even further into debt, which was why I was doing things like renting out my garage and taking on commissions.

The young woman in my home turned back and stared at me expressionless, then, as if only just registering my question, said, I’m eighteen. Two weeks ago. Which was why I figured—

I cut her off. And why do you think you might be my daughter?

My mother was on tour with your band in 1981.

So she was a groupie?

Girlfriend of a roadie.

I poured another whiskey, swirled the caramel-colored liquid, and looked inside the glass. I shook my head. No. I don’t remember sleeping with any crew—or their girlfriends.

And you remember every woman you had sex with back then? From what I gather, you guys epitomized the rock and roll lifestyle.

Despite the situation, I smiled.

Fair enough, I said. I looked at her again. She was staring straight at me, her presence unnerving, but also impressive. For someone who had infiltrated a stranger’s home, she was perfectly composed. Which was more than I could say for myself. And your mom, she’s certain I’m your father?

She has no idea. However, the story is, she dropped out of high school to tour with a hair band, and by the end had a parasite implanted inside of her.

And you’re sure it was my band?

"No. But if I have my facts straight—which I’m sure I do—FurTrading was one of the opening acts of the Rock of the Beast tour, which opened in October 1980 and closed in July 1981."

It had been a long time ago—eighteen years and nine months, apparently—and another life. But it was starting to come back to me.

Yeah, I said. That was a terrible name for a tour—though they all were. But I remember. We hadn’t been on the original bill, but they booked us to play the New Year’s show after the headliner dropped out. It was our first stadium gig, and from there we stayed on.

The band you replaced was called Dental Damn, the eighteen-year-old stranger sitting in my kitchen said. Who ironically had to cancel because the lead singer broke his jaw when he dove off the stage the night before and the crowd chose not to catch him. I snickered. She continued. "Your band didn’t finish the tour either. After three months your album went platinum and you struck out on your own. I’m guessing you thought you were too big for the Beast."

We had a good manager, I said. He was ruthless. And your mother, she’s certain she was on tour at the same time as us?

Like I said, she doesn’t remember you specifically, but she knows for a fact that she joined at the end of December. It was her senior year of high school. The term had just ended for winter break and, to celebrate, she and a girlfriend went to a show at the Meadowlands in New Jersey. They hooked up with some roadies to get backstage, and after partying all night, her friend went home and she stuck along for the ride.

A senior in high school? How old was she?

Seventeen.

I winced at the thought of having potentially impregnated a seventeen-year-old. I would have only been nineteen myself, but still, legally, she’d been underage, which meant that after today’s accusation at the museum, I could now be accused of two sex offenses in my life—which was a lot to learn about myself in a single day.

And when is your birthday?

October twenty-seventh.

I started doing the math.

The timing works, she said, impatient with my inability to automatically calculate the dates. I told you, I did my research. I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t. Mom joined the tour December twentieth. You joined December twenty-ninth, and your last show was April third. Given my birthdate, I estimate I was conceived between mid-January and early February. So while there was a parade of bands mom could have hooked up with, the timing of you being on scene during the window of conception lines up perfectly. She said it all as if reading a math problem from a textbook.

Okay. And you’re sure she’s telling the truth? I mean, I’m not trying to disparage your mother or anything, but she did wait eighteen years to tell you this, and—

I never said she just told me.

But you just turned eighteen, right? So I thought—

Why would you assume I only just learned about you?

I don’t know. I guess because you’re only just now looking me up, and—how long have you thought I might be your father?

Mom did keep a few souvenirs from the tour, though, she said, ignoring my question. Mostly backstage passes which she laminated and tied to the end of the drawstrings on the blinds. So I guess she didn’t forget the experience entirely. Anyway, I researched as many of the bands as I could, and the moment I saw your album cover—

You mean the one that’s a giant photo of my face?

—I got this feeling in my gut. I just knew.

I see, so now we’re going on gut? Her matter-of-fact manner had been putting me at ease, but at the same time, I couldn’t help but be defensive. You know I have an identical twin, I said. Right? Brian? Who was also in the band?

My attitude didn’t faze her though. I do, she said flatly. So, yeah, there’s him to consider as well. But if I’m to believe what I read in the tabloids, he’s moved to China to play the token Westerner on a daytime soap opera. And since San Francisco was closer, I decided to start with you.

She was smiling at what I assumed she thought was a joke, but I wasn’t finding any of this funny. I just stood there, my arms braced against the kitchen island, letting silence hang over the scene like a wet towel over a silk suit. I drank my second glass of whiskey.

By the way, she said, as I began pouring a third, in case you’re wondering, my name is Larissa.

Shit, I said. Sorry. I— But before I could attempt what would surely have been a lackluster apology, she stood, grabbed a tumbler from one of the new exposed rosewood shelves on the far wall, then reached for the bourbon.

No, I said, grabbing hold of the bottle. No way. I’ve contributed to the delinquency of enough minors already.

She dismissed me with a grunt, grabbed the bottle out of my hand, then poured herself a finger of whiskey. She threw it back, then instantly began coughing. In her defense, this wasn’t just any old whiskey. I’d pulled out the strong stuff, E. H. Taylor, barrel strength, 136 proof. For a moment, she couldn’t breathe. Her eyes were watering and she looked like she’d been punched in the chest.

I handed her the glass of water.

She drank half, then, the moment she recovered, began pouring herself another shot.

What the hell are you doing? I said.

Getting drunk with my ex-rock-star potential-father.

I dropped my head into my hands and wondered what had happened to this day.

SLAC, Menlo Park, CA, entrance to the Far Experimental Hall of the LCLS, National Accelerator Laboratory’s x-ray laser – Patron asked to be unnamed

4

ONION TV

That’s one of the buildings at SLAC, Larissa said. I saw it earlier, before you got home. How did you get access?

We were in my studio, looking at finished commission drawings I hadn’t yet delivered. I was showing her one from the Stanford Linear Accelerator in Menlo Park, home to the two-mile-long particle accelerator where physicists from around the world performed experiments by smashing atoms together at just shy the speed of light.

My client, I said, finishing my fourth glass of whiskey—or it may have been my fifth. I couldn’t remember. Having learned that I might have a daughter had been one sucker punch too many in a day of unexpected punches, and once I’d started pouring, I kept going. She commissioned a drawing and got me access. How do you even know what this place is, anyway?

I thought I read somewhere you weren’t doing this kind of drawing anymore? she said, once again ignoring my question—something I was learning she was quite good at. But doing more conceptual stuff? I saw a piece of yours in a museum in Los Angeles last month where you had to walk through a narrow glass hallway as rows of batting machines fired thousands of Super Balls at you from each side. The sound of all those balls hitting the glass and ricocheting around was crazy. Like a deafening rainstorm.

Yeah, I said. That piece was fun. Problem is, museum exhibitions take forever to arrange. You spend more time writing proposals and meeting with committees than you do making the work. And they’re inconsistent. Drawing, though, I can do here, every day, and the interactions are more straight-forward. Most of the people who commission me have a personal connection to the site they want me to draw. Like this one of SLAC. The client’s father was the founder of one of the labs. He’s retired, and she wants to give him a one-of-a-kind memento. That’s really special for me, knowing that a scientist who helped build a renowned research center will look at my drawing every day and be reminded of his accomplishment. Here’s another one. I put aside the image of what felt like a futuristic portal leading into the bowels of the earth—which, in a way, it was—and took out a drawing of an interior of a house in the Sunset District. This is for a couple who’ve been commissioning me for years. They move around a lot and have me make a drawing from every place they live. This is the first house they were able to buy, and now they’re selling it and moving to Marin. I’m sure at some point they’ll be calling me to draw that place too. I put it aside and showed her another. And this one, a dozen friends chipped in for me to draw their friend’s building as a birthday gift. I snuck their names onto the tree as if they’d all signed a card. It’s not the same as making esoteric modern art for museums, but drawings like this mean a lot to the people who commission them. And you just don’t get that kind of personal connection with museum work—or much else, really.

I don’t know, Larissa said. She was swaying awkwardly, also having had a lot to drink. That installation with all those Super Balls being shot at the glass walls definitely evoked a personal experience for me. I mean, I wouldn’t have thought I’d have any trouble walking through a fifty-foot hallway, but it was really intense. At one point I got vertigo and started stumbling into the walls—which was weird because they were totally vibrating with all those balls hitting them. Other people were having trouble too. One woman couldn’t even go two steps in before having to turn back. Another guy had to get on his hands and knees to make it through.

I wanted to say something like: That was the point of the installation, to create an all-consuming moment, and was why I didn’t confine myself to only drawing, since different mediums had different powers of conveying thoughts and emotions—or some other artsy bullshit that always sounded smart when you were drunk. But I’d already done enough of that. So I said, I just hate doing the same thing over and over.

Plus you get to shoot thousands of Super Balls at countless strangers.

Yeah, I said, grinning. There’s that too.

I think it surprised him as much as anyone, I said. But it’s official—Brian now lives in Shanghai. He moved this summer.

We’d returned to the back of the flat and were now sitting on the couch. After the studio show-and-tell I said I needed a refill, and Larissa said she did too—although we were no longer drinking the barrel strength. I’d swapped out the E. H. Taylor for a spirit less like liquid fire, my regular go-to, Basil Hayden’s, which was only about half the alcohol. If I couldn’t keep Larissa from drinking, I could at least slow down the effects—which was probably a good plan for me too.