Earning a Ribbon

Chapter 1: Walk with Me

My story and journey is something I never thought I would discuss, but here I am. I invite you to take a walk with me and begin the retracing of my past, who knows you might have been through something similar

I close my eyes as I transport myself and sneak a glimpse into the past. It’s a little overwhelming, but I need to remember it. As it makes me who I am today. It’s not all bad, but not all good either.

Sighing, I open my eyes and stare at the blue sky with clouds covering most of everything I could have seen. I can feel the warm and dry wind, rushing past and around me, and can feel the telltale feeling of sunburn beginning to form on my face and nose.

The smell is all too familiar, and I inhale as deeply as I can, yet again. It feels nice, just lying down on the roof of my childhood home, in a small town in Texas.

I wonder if someone else is staring at the same clouds as me. Are they thinking the same thing? Would we get along? I’m so alone, I think to myself as I listen to my Lordi: The Arockalypse CD.

During those days, the music I listened to matched my mood. Emotionally, there was a lot going on, and music seemed like a kind of escape—refreshing me a little.

I often climbed on the roof to run away and ‘disappear’ from my female guardian, Viky. In a way, this roof was my escape hole too.

A lot of times, I had to pretend to be someone I wasn’t just to live peacefully with my female guardian. I had to create another personality, just to survive. This is something that didn’t just didn’t happen out of the blue, it strengthened after years and years of doing it. I had developed a persona for my female guardian when I was around her and it consisted of me being silent, and also being unseen. That was the only way to get her to be somewhat normal.

My female guardian never let up on me. The reason I call her my female guardian rather than anything that would create a familial bond is because I was not treated like family. So again, she was my female guardian, not my family. As family is not someone who takes care of you, but someone who cares about you.

So, the roof was my safe spot, there were no doors to be locked behind and I knew she could not climb up to where I was. Veronika—Viky, a.k.a. my female guardian, was quite an elderly woman, and that worked to my advantage as I could be in peace without being disturbed, on the roof. A place where I could live and dwell in my thoughts, as I gazed at the traffic passing by. It really became a hobby more than an activity. Often times I’d wave to my neighbors across the street and to their friend also. Eventually, people would look up on the roof of my childhood home to see if I was up there hanging out like always.

There was not much to do in the small town. But it sure was comforting to know that nothing that was in town was too far away from where I resided. We had a small strip mall that had a small retail store and a clothing store, where everyone went to when it came time for prom, homecoming, and that special occasion and with one grocery store and one supercenter that was owned privately by a rich family. As a child, I loved to go to the superstore to walk around and hang out. There used to be a fast-food chain inside of the restaurant and to this day I love to go to that certain fast-food chain.

To put it in kind terms, the place where I lived at was not the best. There were occasional gunshots, fights and whatnot. Oftentimes, illegal immigrants would make their way through the yard or knock on the front door in the middle of the night, asking for something to eat and drink. My paternal grandfather oftentimes either turned them away or gave them some sort of water from the water hose, he wouldn’t dare let them anywhere in the house, which I was very thankful for him being a very kind-hearted but respectable man. 

Most of the time, we didn’t answer the door because you just can’t trust anyone to not try to harm you when they are in a dire state. And also, because the time was not great times as the crime rates were on the rise and also human trafficking.

Often, at night, I could hear voices—the violent shouting in the distance from that couple up the street, or people running from the cops trying to find ways into homes for shelter and to escape. When I heard them, I usually turned everything off in the room, played a CD, and put on my headphones, with full volume blasting in my ears. The sounds outside my window scared me into silence but music always brought me comfort in a way that was almost second nature to me which made these kinds of situations okay.

I wanted to drown out the fear and anxiety I felt because of the violent environment around me. They say that the environment around you turns you into who you are, and this, no doubt, was certainly true about the environment I was living in. I had learned how to manipulate people without them realizing I was actually doing it, and I also had developed a way to speak to people in a condescending way that sounded like I was just saying something funny so that there wouldn’t be any back-lash for the things I’d say/do.

I lived on the east side of town—it wasn’t the worst part. But I wanted to live close to a great-aunt, on the west side of town. The houses over there were nicer and the neighborhood was more inviting. I had a second great-aunt who also did well in life with her husband and son. In retrospect, I think it was more of a need to live with one of them. I knew that had to see how their sister was treating her only grandchild because she hated my mother so much. They often let me explore when I was in their homes and kept Viky away from me so that I could get some relief from her.

I feel like it wasn’t because of the nice living conditions there, but more of my yearning to be a part of a family life like those of my great-aunts. They were so cool, calm, and collected. I wanted that peace in my life. I wanted that comfort. That feeling that the environment I was in right now hadn’t sealed my fate. That I was going have a good life, even if I had to build it for myself from the scratch.

I had never seen Viky, my guardian, act like her sisters. Like every neighborhood, the east side too had its good and bad moments, partly good because it was ‘the hood’ back in the late ’90s. I was still young and alive during those years. I had a whole life to live. A life to experience the good and the bad. I was the optimistic type, who saw the glass as half-full, rather than half-empty.

For now, life hadn’t handed me the cards I was going to need to navigate the struggles ahead of me as I progressed through this journey. We were poor, but not actually poor, if that makes any sense at all. I had everything I needed and more, but we still struggled to eat most of the time. There were times I had to actually seek something to eat, or over eat at school, to ease my hunger.

When we would go to the supermarket Viky would always remind me, "When we go inside, you will not ask for anything." She would stress on the ‘will not,’ widening her eyes.

If you start crying, then I will actually give you something to cry about. Don’t forget about the belt at home either. She’d say, rather smugly, might I add.

This might sound disturbing and cruel, which it definitely was, but for me, it was just another day of the week. I was so used to it that I never realized how wrong this was to say to someone. How emotionally disturbing it was, and how it could destroy a person if they got used to these types of violent sentences. Not to mention, again, I was so used to it, this actually felt normal.

Anyway, once inside the store, we would start the act. Viky would start smiling the biggest smile as she greeted everyone in the store, and would be with her, trying to be as quite as possible, fearing the punishment I would have to endure if I disobeyed her.

Aye, dios Mio!

Como se porta bien!

Oh, my God! It behaves so well!

These were the comments passed about me, which was quite common and no one thought anything wrong with them. With their small minds, they competed with each other to see whose child was more well-behaved. But we all knew each other enough, as young people, that it was all smoke in the mirror. All was an act, and everything was fake, just a show. As I mentioned before, everyone tried to hide who they really were—their real self.

There is this great saying by a nihilist, You are born alone and you die alone. That is the way of life, and it’s better you get used to it as soon as possible.

I know the words are not encouraging, but they give an insight into how, in life, oftentimes, you will feel all alone and miserable. And let me tell you, loneliness is not a nice companion to have. Loneliness is not something anyone can ever long for.

Then, to top it all off, like the cherry on the cake, the people around you can be cruel and unforgiving. It was common practice, amongst my peers and me, that we would hide who we were, not be it from friends, family, and even religious figures (that strong catholic community in that town).

I almost never acted the same around anyone, and no one seemed to like anything about me. At that age, and with a guardian like mine, it felt like an obligation to make people like me. Otherwise, it was like I had failed to accomplish one more thing—such a simple task. A lot of my childhood peers saw me as intense and overwhelming but what they didn’t understand was the fact that at home I was experiencing that from Viky.

I often questioned myself, ‘Why am I the way that I am? What is wrong with me? Why don’t I hate being so fake around everyone? Why are we complying with this way of life? Are am truly okay with being silent all the time?’

But to be honest, I never really could answer myself. It was like this was the way of life, and like it or not, this was how I had to live, how I had to spend the rest of