Girl - Six Color Society

GIRL-Six Color Society

Christiana Harrell

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Copyright © 2013 Christiana Harrell

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Good Girl

Love stories are not poetry books and forehead kisses; they are pain and common ground and once you break away from love you spend the rest of your life trying to run from it because you never want to fall that deeply ever again or feel that kind of pain. Running was exactly what I was doing when it came to Manni, the 5’7, tanned, caramel stud that turned my life upside down.

I was twenty-four years old when I met her and I had already done most of the things that thirty year olds were still striving for. I established my career in the insurance business, starting as an assistant at twenty-one-years-old, I was closing on my first house, and I had just bought a brand new gold Lexus that I dreamed of owning since I was a little girl knowing only the scent of a bus. I guess you could say I was a bit of an over-achiever and a perfectionist. I had a strict plan for my life and up until the day I met Manni, I was right on track.

She rattled and ruined me and somehow, someway, eventually, I found the strength to leave her alone. The last time that I saw her, I packed all her bags and dropped her off at her uncle’s house, because it was the only place she had to go at the time. I pitied her for so long, convincing myself that she was a good person that just had a stream of bad luck and needed a break. I took it upon myself to be that break. Manni had no car, no job, and half a home since she got kicked out every other week.

I took days off to fill out job applications for her and drop her off at interviews. I should have known she didn’t really want better since she argued with me about waking up early on the days we did the job hunting, but I still saw something more. I willingly handed her the keys to my car so she could get around, and I so graciously added her to my bank account so that she could feed herself and buy personal hygiene products until she got on her feet. 

My heart sat in the pit of my stomach and tears fell from every part of my body the day I realized that all I had done was in vein. My bank statements showcased shopping sprees, ATM transactions for days, which I found out later was for weed; dinner purchases that I was more than sure wasn’t something she ate alone, and ridiculous amounts of alcohol.

Instead of beating her I joined her. I partook in smoking and drinking, asked for her honesty about who she ate dinner with and when she confessed I didn’t leave. I lied to myself, saying I was mature and I could deal with whatever she threw my way. In the end, Manni turned me into someone I didn’t recognize. It was as if she purposely broke me down, while I tried to build her up. Manni envied me ─my success─ in a way, but I didn’t want to believe that my partner was actually jealous of me. What else could it have been? I stayed and I put up with it all until I saw her ex-girlfriend and the ex’s son riding around in my Lexus one evening on my lunch with a co-worker. Manni denied it until I pulled out my phone and showed her the pictures I took. I dropped her and I vowed never to pick her up again, but of course, that was a lie. There I was, standing in front of her, giving her the opportunity to get into my head.

It’s been an entire year since I’ve heard from you. What do you want, Manni?

You. she said in that slick tone of hers.

You had that. You didn’t want it remember?

I did want it.

Yeah, along with other every other female that was willing to give you their attention. I’ve moved on.

Then why are you here?

You tell me.

I missed you.

No, you didn’t.

I did. Manni moved over to me and the scent of Gucci Guilty crept into my nose inebriating me. She always smelled so good, even after a hard workout.

You only missed me because you heard I was with someone else. Nice to know you’re still the same selfish motherfucker I left a year ago. Manni brought out the worst in me. Before her, cuss words to me, were merely for people who lacked vocabulary. I’m happy, Manni.

You’re not happy. Happiness would have made you bypass my apartment. She kneeled down in front of me in her living room, placing her hands on my thighs.I love you, Nina.

I love Reno.

More than you love me?

Yes.

It hurts to know that you love her more.

Nothing hurts you. I don’t even know why I came here. I got up to leave.

You came because there is still something in your heart for me. You came because you know that we’re not finished.

We are finished, Manni. We’ve been finished. Why do you keep doing this? Huh? We fought, we broke-up, we made-up, we fucked, and then we did it all over again. I’m not doing that anymore. Manni and I had done much more than the things I spewed in her direction, but the rest were things I struggled to forget and settled for suppressing.

Maybe that’s us. Maybe that’s how we get along.

That’s bullshit. I tried to walk forward again, but she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight.

I love you. Tell me that you don’t love me at all and I’ll let you go.

I wanted to say it, but I couldn’t tell that lie. I loved Manni. I loved her to death, but she didn’t love me the same way. She didn’t love me until my foot was out the door. She was one of those studs who wanted her cake and she wanted to eat it too. I was always in competition with every woman in the world that she found attractive. She thrived off of beauty: big asses, perky tits, pretty smiles, and smooth skin ─ if that’s the way you define beauty.

I possessed all those qualities and before her no one could tell me I wasn’t all that and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. She never told me I wasn’t either, but she also never told me that I was. She’d pay a compliment to a complete stranger before me and I was her wife─ a term overly used in the lesbian community. Although technically, I wasn’t her wife; I so desperately wanted to be because I knew that with a ring she’d be joined to me forever. She made me a twisted person. Part of me wished she was a boy so that I could trap her with pregnancy and the other part of me knew better; that child would suffer and so would I.

I loved everything wrong about her, everything that should have been a red flag. Manni had innocent eyes but the smile of a con artist. She was one of those people who kept everything bottled up and if you wanted to see who she was then you had to show her who you were. It was a risk and I took it. I laid out all my cards when I first met her, told her everything, even the things that I said I’d take to my grave. I allowed her to see me in my most vulnerable states and, in turn, she fell apart. She trusted me, but trust was all that she gave me. I didn’t get honesty, communication, consistency, commitment, loyalty, or anything else that mattered in order to keep a relationship afloat. I got the number one spot, but there was no telling who was in two, three, and four. She was the master of excuses and manipulation or maybe I was just that stupid and that much in love. I wanted her to be right. I wanted us to work, but I was always working alone.

Reno is waiting at home for me.

I felt her cringe at the sound of another woman’s name as she released me from her hold. I eased toward the door and her voice echoed behind me, making my steps heavy. That’s what you want, Nina? The good guy? That won’t last, you know? Did you tell her everything about us? Our history? You’ll always be mine, Nina. No matter what you say. You’ll always come back.

I stopped and closed my eyes, shutting them tight as the memories of our scandals rushed through my brain.

You’re bored, Nina. She walked up behind me grabbing my shoulders and squeezing them. I know you’re bored because I am. None of these women are you. She leaned down to kiss my neck and I jerked away.

Stop it! I’m not like that anymore.

Keep lying to yourself then, bitch! She reached around and grabbed me by my throat while standing close behind me. You are nobody’s saint and you damn sure ain’t nobody’s housewife. You want to go play house with Reno, huh? Huh? She squeezed my neck tighter.

Let me go, I tried to say through slow breaths.

Manni let go of my neck and pushed me toward the door. Go ahead, go play ‘good girl’ with your bitch! She pushed me hard in the back a second time.

Fuck you, Manni! Fuck you! I raced out of her door and straight to my car and pulled my asthma pump from my purse to place it in my mouth. It helped to prevent the panic that was coming on. I should have never believed that her calling me over to talk, was because she needed real closure, after an entire year would be something truly innocent. I was still naïve after all that time. I drove home quickly, being sure to be as calm and normal as possible when I walked through the door to greet Reno. I didn’t even turn up the radio. I drove alone with my thoughts.

The house was filled with the smell of roast, white rice, gravy, and cornbread as I walked in; that meant Reno had a better than good day at work. Nina! She yelled from the kitchen as I sat down my purse and kicked off my shoes.

I’m coming, baby! I walked into the kitchen and there she was in a green apron, standing over the stove doing what she did best.  Reno was a total package: as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. Any woman would be lucky to have her; I had become that lucky woman. She was tall, fair skinned, she had beautiful straight teeth, and her head game was sickening and not the literal definition; she was the truth.

Reno, in my opinion, had saved my life. She came along reminding me who I was and proving to me that not all studs were bad. She never asked me for a single thing and because of that, I tried to give her everything. I never told her everything when it came to Manni and I hoped I never had to because I was ashamed. I sometimes wondered if Reno was too good for me and Manni was exactly what I deserved because sometimes I craved doing the wrong things. I wanted to be the person that Reno pulled from inside of me but seeing Manni really didn’t help.

Where have you been? Reno asked.

I had to stop at the bank on my way home. I spent the last of my cash at lunch, I lied.

Oh, I could have given you some cash.

No, I got it. I’m good.

You hungry?

Is that a trick question?

Reno laughed. I turned on the shower for you and laid out something comfortable for you to slip on. Go clean up and meet me at the table when you’re done.

Okay, baby. I pecked her lips and walked away.

I rushed to the bathroom and ripped off my clothes. I needed that shower and I needed to clear Manni from my head. I hated how easy it was for her to get into it. I grabbed my neck, rubbing the place where her hands were just removed. Her voice played in my head along with all the volatile moments we shared. Any normal person would be disturbed by her angry outburst, but me, I was excited. We had a serious history, one that I wanted to keep buried.

I stepped out of the shower after washing my body and as I leaned in, to shut off the water, a towel was wrapped around my body and I jumped. Sorry baby, I didn’t mean to scare you, Reno said.

What you sneaking up on me for? I snapped at her.

Reno moved back a little.You were taking so long. I thought I’d check on you, and I didn’t want your food to get cold.

I’ll be out in a second.

Reno left the bathroom and I walked out behind her into our bedroom where my clothes were laid out. I slipped into the sweats and t-shirt that were on the bed then I joined Reno at the dinner table. I’m sorry I snapped at you.

It’s cool just sit down and eat. Are you feeling okay today?

Yeah, just had something on my mind, but nothing for you to worry about. I gave her a smile.

Reno smiled back at me and looked me up and down.You are so sexy, no matter what you wear, she said as she stared at me from the other side of the table.

Thank you. I blushed. You are just too good to be true. It’s been an entire year and we haven’t had as much as an argument. What is your flaw already?

Why do I have to have one?

Everyone has flaws.

Have you seen my feet?

We both laughed and ate until we were full. Reno hit the bed before me. I stayed up and cleaned up the kitchen. It was the least I could do since she had cooked such an amazing meal.

After cleaning I sat up watching late night cartoons until I was tired then I joined Reno. I slid beneath the covers, grabbing her arm and wrapping it around me so that I could get as close to her as possible. I closed my eyes and waited on silence to wrap itself around me as I floated into dream land.

No, No, leave me alone! No!!Smack!

Ouch! Nina, Nina, wake up.

Ahhhhhhhh!

Nina! Reno shook me until I opened my eyes. I was sweating and out of breath. She leaned over me and placed her hands around my jaws, forcing me to make eye contact with her.

Nina. Look at me. It was just a bad dream, baby.

I looked at her, remaining silent and trying to calm my heaving chest.

Are you okay? she asked.

I nodded my head yes.

Do you want to talk about it?

I shook my head no quickly.

Are you sure?

Yes, just hold me okay.

*~*~*~*

Five Nights Later

GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!

Nina!

Nooooooo! Manniiiii!!!

Nina, it’s me!! Reno!

Smack! Smack!

Nina, wake the fuck up! Reno laid on top of me, pinning me to our mattress in an attempt to calm me down. My eyes popped open as I felt the pressure from her weight on top of me. Are you completely awake?

Uh, huh I said as I caught my breath.

Is it safe for me to move?

Yeah.

Reno stood from the bed and walked over to the door with one hand on her hip and the other rubbing her head. Okay you want to tell me what the fuck is going on? Five fucking nights of nightmares and tonight you scream out your ex’s name. Are you fucking her?

No!

Then what? You’ve been jumpy, you beat the shit out of me in your sleep, I wake you up, and you won’t talk about it. I think it’s time that you talk.

It’s– I hesitated not sure she would still see me the same way if I told her the whole truth.

It’s just what, Nina?

Nothing.

Nothing? I guess you want me to get back into bed and hold you right, and then you’ll just beat me up in my sleep again tomorrow night.

No.

Okay, then what?

You wouldn’t understand.

I wouldn’t be standing here waiting on an explanation if understanding wasn’t going to come with listening.

I just don’t want to talk about it right now, okay?

Whatever. Reno threw her hands in the air and walked over to the closet, pulling out a jacket and sliding her feet into her slippers.

Where are you going?

To the store.

At four in the morning?

It seems to be safer at the store than in my own bed.

Reno! I yelled as she walked from our bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

I had no idea what was going on. It had been an entire year and I had never had nightmares before. I assumed that it was due to me going to see Manni. I stood from the bed and walked through our dark bedroom and out into the hall. I stopped at the thermostat, changing it from sixty to seventy degrees. Manni killed me having the AC on when it was cold outside. I headed to the kitchen for a bottle of water. I retrieved my water and walked into the living room to curl up on the couch until Reno returned. I sat just thinking about all the nightmares the last few nights and what they could possibly mean.

Reno stayed away for an hour. I dozed off, but was awakened when I heard her keys jingle in the lock. She tried to creep in, but I cleared my throat to make my presence known.

Oh hey, you’re awake.

Yeah, I didn’t want to sleep in the bed alone.

You okay now?

Yeah. I said then she walked away.

I sat on the couch a little while longer and then joined Reno in bed. She turned her back to me and a feeling of heaviness came over me. She wanted an explanation so badly that I could feel it, but how do you tell your significant other that you saw your ex and every memory has been haunting you? How do you tell your ex that you just might miss them? Tell her that you’re sorry? The answer to that, was that you didn’t tell them at all? You left well enough alone.

I opened my eyes and Reno was gone again. I sat up in the bed rubbing my eyes. Reno walked back into the room fully dressed. I have a flight that leaves at one can you drop me off?

Sure. Where are you going?

It’s my parent’s 30th anniversary this weekend. Did you forget I was flying out there?

Yeah, it slipped my mind. I’m sorry. Let me throw something on.

Take your time. I know you have your own things going on, Reno said sarcastically.

I let her comment roll off of my shoulders because I could empathize with being with someone who had secrets. It wasn’t easy nor was it a comfortable feeling. I made up my mind as I dressed that Reno and I would have a long talk after she returned from her trip. I grabbed my purse from the floor beside the bed and followed Reno out of our house to my car. She tossed her luggage on the backseat and we were off to the airport.

Reno checked to make sure she had all her flight information as I drove her to the airport. She didn’t have very many words for me and I didn’t really blame her. This trip would give me time to get my thoughts together and work up the courage to tell her about some of the things in my past that I wasn’t very proud of. All I could do was hope and pray that her thoughts of me wouldn’t change.

*~*~*~*

It was 2am and I was fast asleep. It was finally a slumber of peace with no crazy dreams about my past with Manni. I wished that Reno was lying beside me, but she had to be with her family. I had to find a way to make it until Tuesday without her. I had no work and all the friends I did have were connected to Manni. My cell phone rang and woke me up from my euphoria. Hello, I answered half asleep.

Nina, wake up.

Who is this?

Jackie, now get up.

Jackie?

Yes, tramp.

Shit, what time is it?

2:17.

In the morning?

Yes.

Why are you calling me so late?

My car stopped on the interstate and I didn’t have anyone else to call.

Are you serious?

I wouldn’t make this up at two in the morning. Can you come pick me up?

Um…yeah, let me throw something on. Stay on the line.

I sat up in my bed and walked slowly over to the light still trying to wake myself up fully. I walked into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I grabbed a pair of jeans and slid them on then grabbed my keys and headed to my car. I had not heard from Jackie in months. She was one of those bad connections I had to cut off after Manni. I wished that I was cruel and cold enough to leave her ass stranded, because to me I was manipulated into even being friends with her.

Manni had me convinced that Jackie was just someone that she had known all her life only for me to find out later that Jackie was one of her exes. I was outraged after I found out and they both insisted nothing further had went on between them while I was in the picture, but I found that hard to believe knowing Manni the way that I did. Every memory of Manni reminded me of just how stupid I was. There were animals with more sense than me.

I gripped my steering wheel tight, guiding my car as Jackie gave me directions to where she had stopped on the interstate. I squinted my eyes looking for her hazard lights. I hated driving when it was dark outside. I spotted her a mile ahead as I went over the speed limit to get to her. I pulled up behind her and cut on my hazard lights as well. She walked up to my passenger side window and I rolled it down.

Would you get in already?

Can you help me get Manni out of the back seat?

Manni? Seriously, Jackie?

Nina, I know, I’m sorry. I knew you wouldn’t come if you knew, but she’s really drunk and won’t even know it’s you. Please help me.

Whatever, I said as I removed my seatbelt and got out of the car to assist. Manni was drunk out of her mind. She stood up and walked the best she could while we helped her. We dropped her on my backseat then I traveled across town to drop them both off.

Can you bring me first?

No, you have to help me with Manni.

Nina, I’m already in hot water with my girl. Can’t you just like drop her by her steps or something?

I shook my head. I didn’t utter another word. I pulled up in front of Jackie’s door and she ran toward her house. I knew she was about to creep in because she kicked her heels off. I wondered if her girl knew she was out running the town with her ex.

I didn’t wait to see if she made it inside. I just sped away to drop Manni off next. I sat at the red light thinking about Reno. She’d kill me if she knew where I was and who I had with me.

Always coming to my rescue, Manni said from the backseat with slurred speech.

Shut up. And don’t throw up in my car.

Girl, I’m not even that messed up.

Yeah, I guess you smell like a bar because someone spilled their drink on you.

Manni sat up. When did you get so mean?

I’m only mean to you.

She eased half her body to the front and talked directly