Widowed, Single, Now What?

Copyright © 2013 by Lois E. Bradford.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2013917898

ISBN:   Hardcover   978-1-4931-1031-5

             Softcover     978-1-4931-1030-8

             Ebook           978-1-4931-1032-2

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Rev. date: 11/14/2013

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Acknowledgments

Preface

My Foundation

a. The Tribulation

Planning the Funeral

a. The Funeral

b. The Others

The Purging

a. Getting Myself Together

b. Organizing

c. Organizing Our Stuff

d. Organizing the House

Making My House My Home

Change My Thought Pattern

The Need to Talk

The Crazy Players

Learning the Game

a. Messing Up the Game

Let Go and Let God

Good with Myself

Conclusion

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writing a book for the first time and about myself with such a deep wounded subject Death was not an easy task. In writing about it, I had to relive every word, but through it all, I would not have been able to lay my life, an open book, on the table if it wasn’t for God and the people in my life. I want to thank most of all, God for his love and grace for being with me all during the writing of this book. Next of course, I want to thank my dear husband whom I love and will always cherish, from no fault of his own, inspired me through the experiences that I had to face when God had other things for him to do in heaven. I also want to thank my parents who instilled in me the values and principles that make me who I am today. I have to thank my financial consultant for all her advice and for being such a good friend, and for all the people whom I have had experiences with or spoke to, who inspired me to write and share this information with everyone.

PREFACE

The purpose for writing this book is to help widows, widowers, or anyone who had a loss cope with the stress and grief of losing a loved one while dealing with their self-discovery, sorting out people and things that are needed in order for them to have a healthy life. That also includes dealing with things that may not have been thought about during the confusion of dealing with the grief, anger, and depression. While you embark into the unknown world of being a Christian single, you may ask the question Where do you go from here? This is a book on what I have lived and gone through in my healing in order to deal with my own loss. My hope is for this to be a testimony and an encouragement to those who read it. The main focus of this book is to hold on to your faith in God while going through this ordeal and knowing that you are not alone, that we can get through this together. Believe me if I can do it, anyone can!

I’ve talked to a lot of women and a few men since the death of my husband and was amazed at some of the responses I have received on how they would react if their spouses died. Most of the women stated that they did not know what they would do if they had to deal with the loss of their spouse. They stated that they wouldn’t be able to handle the grief, and would tear up briefly while putting themselves in my shoes. Of course they would experience a sense of loss not only for losing their spouses but also for the loss of who they are as a person. Most of their husbands took care of the finances, the repairs in the home, the vehicle maintenance, and a lot of them are the bread winners, a partner, lover, companion, father to their children, protector, provider, and the list goes on and on. These women stated that they had no clue of how to manage some aspects of the family, which included for instance, filing their taxes, insurances, making major purchases, etc. And the men stated that they too would be lost because a lot of their wives were the organizers, managers of the home and children, and most of all, their companions and soul mates.

Usually, when you have been married for several years, especially as a woman, we tend to lose our identity. That is something I had to work on for myself and still working on. When you are married, you are as one; you might be a parent, maybe even a grandparent, but with any of these situations, you have had emotional ties to that person in your life. During that time in your confusion, you question your own identity. The important thing you would need to do is to have time to grieve. When you feel that you have gotten yourself together somewhat, then you need to start discovering who you are, what are your likes and dislikes, what things will you tolerate and will not tolerate, and what is it that you want for your life now that the dynamics have changed. In my case, I had to look at all of that as well as what was needed for my children and how was I going to accomplish it. I give props to all the single women and men who are raising children by themselves. It is rough by yourself, and it doesn’t matter your financial status, children have needs too. Their emotional needs outweigh their financial needs.

Being thrust into the life of being single is a whole other world. You deal with grief, loneliness, stabilizing and managing the home, and all the things that come with getting your life back on track after the death of a loved one. Those things also include the finances, trying to make sure the job is secure, making sure the kids and family members are okay emotionally and physically.

But when dealing with the dating aspect, OMG, what planet are these people from? All I can say is, the right person is out there and if it is God’s will Mr. or Ms. Right will come along, so while you are waiting, be very careful. This book will talk about some of the experiences that I went through while attempting to date and some of the funny results that I had. I want to inform everyone to use the available technology that’s out there. Ladies and gentlemen, there are many apps you can download on your computer and phone that will run background checks for your safety. It’s rough being a Christian and trying to date, but hold on to your faith and be safe. Because the desire to be loved, and to love is ours, if we hold on. While we go through this grief process, we realize that we really do not want to live the rest of our lives alone. And in knowing that there is someone out there for us, it’s okay to love your spouse or loved one who is waiting for you in heaven… or hell if that’s how you’ve lived. You are still alive and if you desire to experience love again, it’s okay. You will always have those memories of the relationship you had. Life is too short and with that I now look at life differently. You will realize that even though your love one is no longer here, you may develop the desire to take care of yourself better and love again. Mark Twain quoted, Each person is born to one possession which outvalues all the others—your last breath. How important is the meaning in that quote? The deep meaning telling us that there is nothing in the world more precious to us than our physical life. You will look at things differently with more appreciation. You may also discover that the things you thought you had control over before was not controlled by you. We have no control over what we see and experience. You must step out of your comfort zone. You must take baby steps in your new adventure, and by doing this, you will discover that everyone you meet is different, and for some, different does not even describe them, you’ll figure it out. Also, as you have conversations with different people, different thoughts and ideas will pop in your head, questions will surface, and you’ll notice that it will kick start your thought process on so many levels about yourself. You will discover the different ways of dealing with issues, beliefs, likes and dislikes, etc. You will find that these differences will make you evaluate your own thought process and how you deal with issues. It will make you look even deeper into your own faith and your own convictions. Frederick Douglas quoted, If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Sometimes, we have to deal with the struggles that could make us stronger or break us. It really depends on how you deal with them. Nothing worth having is gained if we don’t work for it. So for me, I evaluated my situations and the people that I have met. Sometimes I may over analyze the situation, and I’m learning that sometimes the answer is just as simple as it was stated or presented. And with God, I can always know that his answer to my struggles is all I need, so he gives me enough sense to see that I don’t have to analyze very much. The truth does come out!

So how do we hold on to our faith in God and still be in this type of society with all of those things going against us? It’s hard, but we still need to make a normal life for ourselves. I’ve learned years ago the answers to these questions, but I am still learning of new ones. Hopefully, this book will help you to also learn to deal with this society with your own faith and convictions, with your new ideas and answers that are fitting for you. This is why I am sharing my life and how I handled it, (good or bad) my situations and I hope that it will be a benefit to you and also a warning to not make the same bad mistakes that I did while going through my process. Because I stuck my hand in the fire, it should be a warning to you not to get burned like I did. But through it all, trust God to see you through.

A quote from Jimmy Dean states, I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. Even though we are living in a world that has changed dramatically, one should never compromise their convictions in God. There are a lot of things in our life that are negotiable, and situations and things that we may have to compromise, but our faith should never be one of those things. What exactly are we looking for in our lives? I noticed that people that are not converted in Christ have different views of what Christianity is all about. And in that, they try to force their views on you. While I was married, I did the things as a wife should with her husband. But the conversations that I have had with people were interesting, because it was about people having serious relationships, which for them entailed acting and living as if they are married. What am I faced with in this single Christian life? I’m not sure how I would react in my response when I am confronted with that issue and a little nervous about it because people these days are more direct in what they want. So, the first thing I would do is pray about it, that I handle it in a way that’s pleasing to him and I don’t compromise my conviction. I do believe in prayer and God knows my needs and he will