My Mai Tai: The Hawaiian Condo Capers

© Copyright 2014 Alan Taylor.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

isbn: 978-1-4907-4586-2 (sc)

isbn: 978-1-4907-4587-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014915914

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Prologue

Chapter 1 Getting Ready

Bud’s early days

Tina’s earlier years

Janice and Ben Arrive on the scene

Preparing to leave for hawaii

Chapter 2 Arrival on the Scene

when janice and Ben first met

Chapter 3 The Beach At Last

Chapter 4 The Melting Pot

Chapter 5 Rocco

Chapter 6 Ben’s Birthday Dinner

Chapter 7 The Soul Singer

Chapter 8 A New Discovery At The Beach

Chapter 9 Back to the Beach

Chapter 10 The Maui Experience

Chapter 11 The Puzzle With A New Twist

Chapter 12 The Return Home

Acknowledgements

T his book was based on a number of humorous experiences while vacationing in Hawaii with my wife Brenda and several close friends. I owe its existence to the experiences we jointly shared and the colorful characters we met and partied with. None of the characters in the book, however, are real people. Brenda has been particularly helpful in supporting this work and encouraging me to publish it.

The tone of my prose was inspired by the work of Carl Hiaasen and the books he wrote entitled Bad Monkey, Paradise Screwed and Skinny Dip.

Prologue

B ud and Tina excitedly planned their annual visit to Hawaii. They could hardly wait to meet up again with their bizarre acquaintances on Kuhio Beach, among them: the Admiral, a likable rogue with a questionable past; Pam the ex-nun; Rita the barmaid and Brad the accountant from Chicago who never strayed from the bar throughout his annual three week vaca tion.

The story relates a series of light-hearted events most North Americans will relate to who have travelled to a vacation spot in a warm setting to escape the cold of winter. But little did the couple know that this time two new acquaintances were about to share their holiday: the mysterious Rocco with connections to the underworld and Rick the charismatic nightclub singer. There’s an element of mystery surrounding Rocco – an insecure and shady character involved in illegal activities. Bud and Tina are left at the end of the story wondering who murdered him.

The mood of MY MAI TAI is upbeat and light-hearted. It is a story in which the reader is provided with a mini-vacation – escaping with Bud and Tina and sharing in their hilarious adventures. It is a book the reader will find hard to put down, one that will make them laugh out loud when the funny side of some seemingly ordinary situation emerges.

Chapter 1

Getting Ready

G od is it pissin’ down big time or am I dreaming I’m taking a shower? Bud queried rhetorically.

Lost in thought, Bud Topper gazed absentmindedly out the window. The windswept rain and sleet beat incessantly in a tireless attempt to pierce the brittle surface of the glass. He snuggled deeply into the warmth and sanctuary of the inner recess of his overstuffed armchair, engaged in a trancelike stupor ... drifting, suspended in motion – looking but seeing nothing.

Slowly his head began a downward motion, bobbing towards a resting place on his hairy chest as he journeyed into a deep sleep.

Suddenly a rasping snore burst from his throat and with a jerk he snapped upright. A quick shake of his head brought him back to consciousness – collecting his senses enough to focus at arms length on the sight in the street below. The spectacle stared back at him with stark reality; the bleak and dreary picture was a mirror-image of his drab mood.

Work in the form of unfinished briefs and papers littered his desk – over here a written proposal that was going nowhere, over there an itemized invoice awaiting his signature. The wastebasket at his feet overflowed its contents. Scrunched up wads of scratch paper covered the floor – he was loaded with work from the office and too damn tired to do it.

When the hell does the work end? Does it ever end? I guess not for this cowboy, he said to no one in particular.

As the scene below gained focus Bud began to make out shadowy shapes scurrying along the sidewalk; fuzzy objects blending into the grey twilight. People darted quickly this way and that like ferrets stalking prey, working their way through the rain and mist, anxious to reach a myriad of destinations. They were eager for the warmth and dryness of home, to purge themselves of the cold and dampness chilling the inner recesses of their bodies.

To the right a stray dog huddled in a doorway across the street taking refuge from the elements. Its undernourished body quivered in the bone-chilling dampness. The canine’s coat, a mottled grey, blended into the bleak surroundings. The mist digested the outline of the hapless figure – transforming it into a nonentity.

On the left a toddler and his mother, both dressed for the elements, made their way up the street. The little boy strained against his mother’s grip as he stopped to splash in various pools of water forming on the sidewalk. A sense of déjà vu took over as Bud recalled his fondness for splashing in mud puddles and playing in the dirt when he was a wee tyke.

Next he expanded his gaze to incorporate the balance of the scene below. Fleeting images of cars and trucks appeared in the peripheral of his vision as they whistled along the slick street – on their way to any one of a multitude of locations. A muffled swish announced the arrival and immediate departure of each vehicle as it hissed its way into and out of his observational domain.

Damn! he uttered in a low growl, Seattle is such a bloody wet and miserable place during the winter!

A pattern formed on the window as shiny beads of moisture rapped against it, clung, momentarily suspended and dispersed into tiny rivulets cascading down the pane.

Suddenly he heard a deep, growling rumble coming from the darkened sky – his apartment shook in response. A sharp flash of blinding light quickly followed – the lightning emerged to play a role as co-star of the evening’s theatrical performance.

Following this multi-sensory display the pounding rain continued incessantly, droning on and on, inducing in Bud a hypnotic trance. His mind was caught up in the action, focusing solely on the window – oblivious to all else. The elements conspired to sweep him away from his work through a continuous, pulsating beat against the glass. Immersed in the spell, Bud’s thoughts drifted to more pleasant surroundings – the soothing warmth and sensuous sweetness of Hawaii.

***************

Bud pictured himself languishing contentedly on his back, prostrate on the sands of Kuhio Beach – warm sun penetrating his body, the tang of salt air lingering in his nostrils, and the erotic view of bikini-clad beauties surrendering their bodies to the warmth of the sun.

What a vision, what a gorgeous vision!

Bud’s upper lip quivered expectantly and a smile formed on his face as he settled into a state of utter bliss. His escape into paradise began to form as shapes emerged and transformed into vivid images in his mind. Through this sojourn his thoughts took flight, soaring temporarily from the sobering effects of reality.

Immersed totally in his dream, Bud could see, hear and smell the essence of Waikiki. Now he was sitting, oblivious to current surroundings, on his perch at Kuhio Beach.

To his left lay the majestic beauty of Diamond Head, visible to all subjects in its domain. Directly ahead he drank in the grandeur of the Pacific Ocean, a blend of bluish hues crowned by snow white caps on its waves. On the right he was rewarded with an unsurpassed view of the Pink Palace itself, the Royal Hawaiian, nestled among its common subjects – the other hotels on Waikiki Beach.

The sojourn into paradise served its purpose as it blanked out the dank grey scene and bone chilling dampness greeting him through the window. It was a welcome respite from the elements and other problems at hand; one he wanted to savor as long as possible.

Suddenly a door slammed shut! The spell was abruptly broken. The building shuddered and groaned in defiance.

***************

"My God, it’s freezing out there!" Tina bellowed. "It’s a son-of-a-bitch! She yanked off her boots and threw them helter skelter into the closet. How’s your work coming? I hope you’re not taking any with you when we leave for Hawaii. Remember, you promised me!"

Tina’s voice took on an accusatory tone as her eyes met Bud’s glazed stare. It was obvious that he had been daydreaming again instead of working on his report for the office. She wanted him to get his ass in gear and complete the work before leaving.

Don’t worry, dear. This year I’m completing all my reports and projections before we leave. A hint of annoyance accompanied his voice, resulting from the harsh intrusion into his pleasant flight into fantasy. He had sought only a brief respite from reality to precede the real thing scheduled to take place in a few days. It annoyed him the way Tina had a habit of jumping in and shattering his daydreams.

Over the last five years trips to Hawaii had become an annual event for Bud and Tina. They provided a welcome sanctuary from the chilling rain and snow of Seattle’s winter and were looked forward to expectantly well before the scheduled departure date. Each of the previous trips, however, had been compromised by the paperwork Bud inevitably took with him.

This year would be different! Bud had promised Tina. To hell with the office! No work would be brought!

Bud, d’you realize we have only three more days before we’re off to Hawaii? Tina cried excitedly. What’re you looking forward to most?

Sun, booze and broads, he teased. His mind flashed back to Kuhio Beach and the tantalizing view of scantily clad female bodies.

He knew it would be touch and go whether he could complete enough work during the next three days to allow the luxury of no paperwork during the coming holiday. This possibility, however, wasn’t shared with Tina. It would only upset her. Last year she had been irritated when he spent most mornings huddled over the kitchen table in their rented condo by the beach surrounded by paper. He didn’t share her concern, however, since there had still been time for afternoons at the beach and visits to the local pub, the Melting Pot.

Ah, the Melting Pot! Its atmosphere dripped of adventure and intrigue. The Mai Tais were incredible. Although the origin of the bar’s name was unknown to its current inhabitants, Bud surmised it was due to the diverse collection of colorful characters that frequented it over the years.

In Bud’s mind the paperwork routine was not really that unpleasant ... it did, however, keep the office an active participant in their vacation. Although he didn’t mind this imposition, Tina resented it deeply. Last year Bud had kidded her about the benefits she derived from his practice. He claimed tongue in cheek that she should be pleased since it didn’t give him time to frequent the ‘ladies of the night’ who pedaled their wares on Kalakaua Avenue. In response Tina erupted into a tirade. She berated him, his goddamned office, and the tight-assed broads who frequented the street. Afterward she stormed over to the Melting Pot and drank with her friends from the beach. It wasn’t until the wee hours of the morning that she returned to the condominium. As a peace offering Bud had promised to leave his work at home the following year.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Earlier Vacations

To put their upcoming vacation into perspective, Bud’s thoughts flashed back to earlier years when annual vacations were limited to simple, inexpensive camping trips – in those days it was all they could afford. The trips were restricted geographically to a region in the Pacific Northwest. The area was bounded by Vancouver in Canada to the north, Portland to the south and Yakima to the east. The western side of the rectangle was the Pacific Ocean – a natural boundary. Within this perimeter they explored the wonders of the region – camping in the gigantic rainforests of the coastal northwest, squatting on farmers’ pastures in the interior areas of Washington State and on occasion sleeping overnight in supermarket parking lots.

Bud treasured the outdoors. He loved tramping through lush evergreen forests, savoring the soothing fragrance of pine needles and the stillness that prevailed. In this environment only the occasional chirping of birds broke the intimate relationship between man and nature. It was a therapeutic experience, contrasting sharply with the hustle and bustle of the city. In this setting the sweet, musty aroma of moss enveloped the air and the delectable taste of wild salmon berries tempted his taste buds – adding to the multi-sensory collage.

It was exhilarating! He drank in the cool crisp air of the countryside with deep and greedy gulps, in contrast to inhaling the heavy and stifling atmosphere which enveloped the city. He woke to the joyful chirping of birds rather than to the tinny sound of an alarm clock. He examined the intricate changing patterns emerging from the glowing embers of a campfire, rather than the shallow, routine antics displayed on a television screen. In this setting, Bud was in his glory. He was born to live in close proximity to nature and looked forward to these annual visits to pay it homage.

In the beginning, Tina tolerated the annual trek into the wilderness. Although she knew Bud enjoyed it immensely, she could not generate the enthusiasm needed to fully share it with him. Tina hated the hard ground sheet which she slept on fitfully each night while dreaming of bugs, bears, and sundry wildlife which could threaten her existence. No wonder, she surmised, that Bud woke up early each morning tingling with excitement. However, in her opinion he rose early to escape the goddamn lumpy bed and the tingling was thanks to the cold, clammy dampness of the morning.

She hated, with a vengeance, the flies and bugs who always shared their vacations. While most campers rated campgrounds on the basis of proximity to lakes, showers, electricity and other amenities, Tina applied her own rating scale – based on bug density. Large quantities of mosquitoes rated a minus ten, black flies a minus five and so on. With this scale no campground could ever receive a positive rating from Tina.

Bud’s early days

* * * * * * * * * * * *

B ud was not his real name. He was christened Robert, Alden Topper ... R.A.T. for short. Needless to say, the acronym did not please him and he vigorously discouraged its use as a nickname. Often, as a child, his displeasure was conveyed to peers though