Manage My Emotions

Introduction

In deciding to write this book, I needed to consider several important questions.  Why now? Why this topic? Why would anyone pick this up today? The answers came swiftly. As I write in this age of COVID-19, there is perhaps no more important time and topic. With the isolation and strife of today's environment, it is a time for healing, connecting, and rebuilding. 

As a licensed psychologist, I was trained in the practice of limiting self-disclosure.  My story is not as important as yours. In this case, however, I offer a piece of my story to help frame and understand the chapters you are about to read.

This book is the evolution of a story starting long ago.  I remember as a child reading Henry David Thoreau and being engaged by his reflections on Walden Pond. He wrote, I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to put to rout all that was not life, and not when I come to die, discover that I had not lived.  Over the years, I have supported efforts to maintain Walden Pond, and a picture of it hangs in my family room, quietly reminding me to consider what is truly important. 

In my clinical work, I often speak of the importance of emotions.  I remember a time when I was on a televised discussion of a psychology topic.  Two days later, a client stopped me and said, I saw you on TV on Tuesday.  She smiled and jokingly continued, You couldn’t make it two minutes without talking about emotions.  Setting her joking aside, I considered the deep truth in this, what if emotions are central to our selves, our relationships, our success, and maybe even to filling that lingering hunger in our lifelong search for meaning?

Thoreau also said that the masses live lives of quiet desperation.  I have always struggled against this quote. Perhaps you have as well.  So much of our lives are spent in boring, benign maintenance, like washing dishes, folding laundry, shopping, and cleaning.  For many, work outside the home takes effort, pays the bills, and perhaps even has meaning, but lacks day-to-day passion and enjoyment due to office politics and other strains. 

So where is the time that is left after we do what we must, to live the passion of life? What do we do with this time?  What if emotions and love were the center of it, rather than the goal of it?  What if I could better understand emotions and the role they play in motivation? What if I could feel confident in having tools to manage the less comfortable emotions more effectively?  What if I knew how to prevent my less comfortable emotions from causing damage to my relationships and to myself?

I went to school to learn about these issues. They taught lots of things about the brain and thinking, and disorders. I want to know more than illness, but rather what makes us well and what makes us thrive.  Some of the most important solutions I have found along the way, deepening over time, experience, awareness, and practice. 

I have spent a lifetime considering these questions.  The answers are out there.  Some of them are shared in the coming pages.  I invite you to join me as we work through these issues and seek more in this ongoing journey together. We can do this. Together.  Each step gets easier and stronger, just as we practice in life.

This book is developed so that the topics build upon each other.  You may find yourself tempted to skip ahead to the chapter that discusses your issue, or you may find yourself reading straight through since sometimes these other topics are related. Like an onion, each of the pieces are linked, and each chapter peels an interconnected layer.  For this reason, I encourage you to read straight through, even if you think the topic does not apply to you. However, you approach this journey, let's get started.

In Part 1 of this book, we will examine some background information that is needed context for all the information that follows.  In Part 2, we will consider the basic process of emotional change.  In Part 3, we can begin to explore the impacts of specific emotions, as well as a range of tools for each. In Part 4, we review how our personal emotions interact in multiple external situations such as relationships and the workplace.

You can also feel free to check out my website, where you will find new resources and tools to support along this ongoing journey at www.DrKenMartz.com

Now begins this practice of emotions.

Part 1:

Introduction

to Emotion

Chapter 1

Where am I Now?

"Let’s start at the very beginning,

a very good place to start…"

- Julie Andrews

It is best to start where we are today. There are no judgments about what we have not done in the past.  We did the best we could with the tools we had learned. Perhaps that is why we are here together, to share and grow skills so that tomorrow can be different.  What is it that drew you to this book?  What is it you hope to learn?  How important is that to you?  These are important questions. You may be motivated but want a quick answer. So, go ahead and jump ahead to the topic that calls to you. It is OK. But then, come back here, start at the beginning, and continue. The topics in this book build on one another.  So later chapters are easier to understand if you have completed the earlier chapters. So, be here now.  Take a moment to answer some questions and take the time to practice the exercises along the way.

This is your journey, so enjoy it rather than rush it.  There are flavors of ice cream that I had never tried.  I was too busy and set in my ways, eating the same flavor (which I still love). Now though, I have tried many flavors.  Some I did not like, but now there are many others that I love. This is why we are together:

To learn more about the range of life through the language of emotions. 

To broaden our range of flavors of emotions rather than being stuck with one. 

To come to life more fully

Let's begin with some simple questions. There are no right or wrong answers.  There are no trick questions, although some may be tricky, as you will understand later. I encourage you to take the time to think about these questions and to write down your answers.  You may wish you had, later.

Why did I pick up this book?

What do I hope to learn?

Am I satisfied with all the areas of my life?

How would I like my life to be different?

Am I worthy of such a change?

Am I able to commit to the effort needed to achieve this goal?

Am I willing to commit to the effort needed to achieve this goal?

Starting when?

Do I understand why I have these emotions?

Which emotion is most troubling to me (there may be more than one)?

What sensations occur in my body when I experience this feeling?

What thoughts go through my head when I have this feeling?

What images go through my mind when I have this feeling?

Does it seem like this feeling is permanent?

Is this feeling permanent?

If I think the answer is Yes, am I absolutely sure?

What does this feeling need to be able to change?

Am I willing to acknowledge my blind spots?

Do I have the tools I need to make changes?

Do I have a diverse toolbox of coping strategies?

Do I know how my brain works, in basic terms?

Do I know how my autopilot mind sets me up for trouble or happiness?

Has trauma affected my emotions?

Am I aware of the emotional baggage I carry from my past?

Am I aware of a range of things that make me feel fear, anger, joy, compassion, and respect?

Am I aware of how my emotions have impacted my relationships?

Do I understand the role of emotional patterns in the development of addictive behavior patterns?

Does my culture affect my experience of emotion?

When I make changes, do I know how to effectively make them remain consistent?

You may notice that some of the answers to these questions are easy, and some are difficult. You may find that some are complicated. As we journey together through this book, you will be able to answer differently. Each chapter will have different exercises to explore and deepen your understanding of the topic, to practice the application of tools, and to learn new skills that will be used later.  Take the time to complete the exercises. They build on one another, so later exercises may be less effective if you did not practice the earlier ones. Again, this is your journey. Approach it as you please. These are simply suggestions to help get the most from this process.

I must confess.  I write these suggestions because I know that I also want to jump to the solutions in life. Over time, I have learned to understand that often the solution is not what I expected, so I would have skipped to the wrong chapter.

My current perspective can also change.  When I resolve one surface issue, I have often found a new one underneath.  Together, as we continue this journey, we get more of that feeling we are searching to find.

Chapter 2

The Role of Emotion

The best and most beautiful things in

the world cannot be seen or even touched

- they must be felt with the heart.

- Helen Keller

Why Do We Have Emotion?

Our moods have developed over thousands of years.  They have a wide range of benefits as well as pitfalls. By and large, consider that they are there to help us, and they have served us for many thousands of years.  Unfortunately, they never came with a user's manual, which can leave us frustrated, embarrassed, and confused. 

Benefits of Emotions

Happiness, love, passion, strength; there is a wide range of emotions that help us know when we are headed in the right direction. Animals know that sweet berries are safe to eat, and bitter berries are unsafe.  Just the same, as we become aware of our emotions, we can use them to help guide us into greater effectiveness, deepen positive relationships, be more productive, and therefore feel more fulfilled.  When my emotions consistently make me feel good, that helps to motivate me to continue. 

Even the negative emotions are very valuable.  They have precious lessons to teach us when we are off track. If I lie or cheat in life, fear, and anger often follow. Their discomfort helps to guide me back. Negative emotions also help us to appreciate the positive emotions even more. I do not want anyone to feel sadness, but once I experience it, my joys feel all the sharper in contrast. I love ice cream, but some days there is a bit of rocky road. I may never taste all the flavors out there, but the more I know, the more I appreciate my favorite.  (I’d say which one is my favorite, but it changes over time, with my mood and even my environment, but more on that later).

Challenges of Emotions

When we do not know how to manage our emotions, there can be a range of harms done to our work, our relationships, and ourselves. We can become stuck in an unresolved issue, or emotions can flare like an uncontrolled flame.

Being stuck leaves us unnecessarily reliving old wounds.  It is like having a thorn stuck in your foot.  It will continue to irritate and be painful; it may get worse at times and better at times.  You may someday realize that it is worse when you are walking and stops hurting when you sit down, as you begin to manage the lingering pain.  At worst, it can become infected, damaging your whole body. How much better would it have been if you had learned to pull out the thorn as soon as possible?

Emotions can also flare up uncontrollably. Sometimes we get angry and perhaps yell, or worse. Next, even after the anger calms, there were wounds that it caused because of our uncontrolled expression, on top of the issue that made us angry in the first place.  Sometimes these thorns need to be removed as well.

The Challenge of Emotional Collections

One of the emotional challenges is that we tend to collect negative experiences and carry them around with us.  This excess baggage can weigh us down, drain our energy, and leave us unable to manage life.  Said another way, perhaps you collected an embarrassing moment with friends at age 8, got angry with a disappointment from mom at age 11, were scared of a public presentation in school at age 15, got dumped by the love of your life at age 17, were yelled at by your boss at age 24, and were in a terrifying car accident at age 30; struggled sleepless nights with your sick child at age 34, buried your parents at age 38, and on and on. 

Are these simple memories, or do we linger with unresolved emotions from these times?  Do we know how to lay down the baggage from the past and find freedom?  If not, life becomes heavy, depressing and difficult, anxious and frustrating, or perhaps cold and lonely. When past hurts are not properly managed, they can become filters that harm us today, perhaps we are aware of it, and perhaps it is purely on our autopilot.

Balance of Emotional Management

Emotions are often seen as a weakness, but when they are balanced, they can make the mother lion a fiercely loving companion.  Emotions can be seen as negative, but they are only seen that way in relationship to their positive counterpart.  The more I love my spouse, the more it hurts to be apart.  Should I avoid all relationships to avoid the hurt of missing my beloved?  We have successes in life in direct relationship to the risks we take.  The same is true with emotions.

Emotional management is not the avoidance of emotions but rather the skill of balancing them so we can learn the lessons they teach, prevent unnecessary challenges, and shift emotions to a more pleasurable balance. Emotions run the risk