You. I. Us.

My Song

You wrote a song for me.

I didn’t give you anything in return. Not even myself.

You unveiled it in the bustling sixth form common room; you’d borrowed a mate’s keyboard and waited impatiently for me to get out of double English. So sure it would work—that I’d fall into your arms and declare undying love—you never gave a thought to the piss-taking you’d have to endure afterwards. Your mates were merciless for weeks.

You sang, and I listened. It was okay, good; although somewhat bizarre to know the song was about me. I remember cringing when you mentioned my sexy shoulders, and tried to rhyme it with closer.

You looked at me when you finished, and I wasn’t sure what to do next, whether I should thank you, or applaud … or tell you that I wasn’t interested, no matter how many songs you wrote for me. But, I was seventeen. I blushed furiously, mumbled incoherently, and allowed myself to be pulled away by my sniggering friends.

When I looked back, you’d disappeared.

I’m holding the song in my hand now, staring at your messy scrawled writing, at all the words you crossed out in favour of another, like searching instead of looking, scorching hearts in place of bright stars. You’d doodled a border of musical notes and smiley faces and hearts. There’s a coffee stain across the bottom of the page, and I’m not sure if you caused that while you were composing late into the night, or if I did it, carelessly, later.

The paper is crispy with age, the edges have browned. It’s more than ten years old, after all. I stare at the words again, and remember the sound of your voice. You always had a good voice.

I’m surprised I kept the song, to be honest. I don’t remember doing it on purpose—more likely I just overlooked throwing it out.

No one really knew what happened to you, after A Levels. It was like you vanished.

And here you are, on my telly, right now. I scrutinize the screen, to make absolutely sure it’s you. I reach for my mobile, ready to announce it on Facebook, but I don’t. I don’t think I want to share this with anyone.

You’re being interviewed by two excitable presenters; they’re introducing you as the next big thing before you take your place on the John Peel stage. Apparently, you got famous and you’re playing Glastonbury! No one expected that.

People cheer as you leave the interview area and walk out onto the stage. Teenage girls scream your name and wave banners as they sing along with your debut number one song. They already know all the words. There are kids in that crowd who want to be you, the way you wanted to be Damien Rice. It’s pretty surreal.

The next song, you say, catching your breath and waiting for the whooping to subside, was written a long time ago, for someone special.

You look deep into the camera, as though you know I’m watching. I realize I’m sitting on the edge of my chair, holding my breath. You sing my song, like you did all those years ago, and I sing along.

Motherhood

I

I’m sorry, so sorry.

You’re wired up, your tiny heart beating through tissue-paper skin. You’re far too small—your hand doesn’t even wrap itself around one of my fingers.

It’s my fault.

Yesterday safe, protected and warm, you snuggled securely within my womb. You sucked your thumb, the way you did in your scan photos. You kicked out in time with the bongs at the start of the news, your little foot pressing itself against my stomach so I could see the faint outline.

I don’t know what happened. I went to bed last night after a warm bath, looking forward to the holiday Daddy was going to take me on—a last-minute trip to Ghent before you arrived. Daddy lay down next to me, his head resting against you, and we talked while you repeatedly punched him in the face. When my eyes got heavy, he kissed my forehead, kissed my stomach—kissed you—and went downstairs.

But I was restless. I had a bad dream. My grandmother, your great-grandmother, was in the corner of the room, hiding in the shadows so I couldn’t quite see her. She was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear her. I kept asking her to repeat herself, but she didn’t, or couldn’t.

Then she began fading into the walls, into the darkness. I tried to run towards her, but the sheets pinned me down. I fought against them, calling out for help. They got tighter, squeezing until I couldn’t breathe.

When I woke, the contractions had already started, far too early. Daddy told me it was going to be all right—he said it was just a mistake and you wouldn’t be going anywhere for a long time yet.

He was wrong. Here you are.

This isn’t how I imagined the first few days of your life. We should be elated. I should be holding you, nursing you, kissing your beautiful face. I couldn’t wait to show you off to my friends, and introduce you to your new family. They’d all want to hold you too, and we’d take so many photos. Daddy would buy you a giant teddy bear, and he’d buy me a bouquet of flowers. We made plans; we had your life all mapped out.

But here I am, sitting in a small room while noisy equipment keeps you alive. The lights are low, so they don’t hurt your eyes, and the nurses whisper so they don’t disturb me. They make no sound when they walk.

Daddy went home to rest, and to phone your nanny and granddad. They’ll want to come and see you, of course, but I don’t think they’ll be allowed. It’s just you and me, you lovely little lady.

I have my hand resting inside the incubator, my finger stroking your cheek. My hand is bigger than your torso. Your heart pumps rapidly, trying its very best. Your arms and legs are spread out. I haven’t heard you cry yet; I haven’t seen your eyes.

I’m waiting.

II

You cry, no matter how much I rock you, no matter how much I jiggle you up and down. In the end, before I tear my hair out or burst into exhausted tears, I put you in your pram and we leave the house.

I have nothing to do, no errands to run, so I wander aimlessly for a while. I could go to a café, I suppose, but you’re bound to fuss if we stop moving. And besides, this pram is huge. I cause chaos wherever I go.

Or I could call on a friend, except they’ll all be at work at this time on a Tuesday morning. I joined a mother’s group for a while—the health visitor suggested it—but I hated the way everyone stared at you. I wanted to hide you away, shield you.

It’s obvious there’s something different about you, although it takes people a moment to figure it out. Which means they stare longer than I’m comfortable with. The initial reactions are the worst,