Learning to Speak Southern: A Novel

Also by Lindsey Rogers Cook

How to Bury Your Brother

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Books. Change. Lives.

Copyright © 2021 by Lindsey Rogers Cook

Cover and internal design © 2021 by Sourcebooks

Cover design by Sarah Brody

Cover images © Jill Battaglia/Arcangel; Xiao Qin Wi/EyeEm/Getty Images; Pakin Songmor/Getty Images; Freepik

Internal image by Freepik

Sourcebooks and the colophon are registered trademarks of Sourcebooks.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems—except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews—without permission in writing from its publisher, Sourcebooks.

The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious or are used fictitiously. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and not intended by the author.

All brand names and product names used in this book are trademarks, registered trademarks, or trade names of their respective holders. Sourcebooks is not associated with any product or vendor in this book.

Published by Sourcebooks Landmark, an imprint of Sourcebooks

P.O. Box 4410, Naperville, Illinois 60567-4410

(630) 961-3900

sourcebooks.com

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Cook, Lindsey Rogers, author.

Title: Learning to speak southern : a novel / Lindsey Rogers Cook.

Description: Naperville : Sourcebooks Landmark, 2021.

Identifiers: LCCN 2020053745 (print) | LCCN 2020053746 (ebook) | (trade paperback) | (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: Single women--Fiction. | Mothers--Fiction. | Families--Fiction.

Classification: LCC PS3603.O5725 L43 2021 (print) | LCC PS3603.O5725 (ebook) | DDC 813/.6--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020053745

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020053746

Contents

Front Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Part I

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Part II

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Chapter Thirty-Six

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Chapter Forty

Chapter Forty-One

Chapter Forty-Two

Chapter Forty-Three

Chapter Forty-Four

Chapter Forty-Five

Reading Group Guide

A Conversation with the Author

Acknowledgments

About the Author

Back Cover

To the friends who are also family and the family who are also friends.

Part I

* * *

The only difference between Memphis and Hell is that Memphis has a river running along one side of it.

—ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH (1905)

MEMPHIS CENTRAL BAPTIST CHURCH

—Church Bulletin—

Week of June 22, 1991

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.

Colossians 3:16

9:30 a.m. sermon, Learning How to Build, I Corinthians 3:9–17

11:00 a.m. sermon, Of One Mind, Philippians 2:1–18

PASTOR VISITS

Call for preferred times.

The flowers on the altar today were donated by local Boy Scout Troop 2131 in honor of their departed teacher and coach, Mr. Kings.

CHURCH, FAMILY, AND FRIENDS

We care and want to share—please call with news and concerns.

Dear Church Friends,

Thank you so much for the lovely reception in honor of our son’s christening. As many know, we’ve struggled in this realm for years and have prayed to God to bless our marriage. It was so joyful to celebrate Grant’s christening, and we look forward to seeing him grow up surrounded by our church family and with the love of God, as God holds him in His heart, as He does all children.

—Gerald and Rebecca Taylor

Dear all,

I thank you for your prayers these last few weeks during my illness. This works! I am feeling much better and will return next month to the nursery.

—Rose Adler

In the Hospital

Elk Johnson, Rm. 304

Jolene Swanson, Rm. 212

In Christian Sympathy

The brother of Pat Stevens has died at his home in Nashville, where services were held on Tuesday. Please send your remembrances and kind regards to the Stevens family.

LET’S CELEBRATE

Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Henry on the birth of their daughter, Alexandra Henry, on June 15. The happy father reports that mother and daughter are healthy and happy and looks forward to introducing the new addition to the church family.

INQUIRERS CLASS

Sundays at 2:00 p.m. during the month of July in the pastor’s study. All are welcome.

MEET OUR NEWEST MEMBERS

Though they were raised outside the church, when James and Jennie Powell first walked through the doors of Memphis Central Baptist, they knew they had found their spiritual home. They participated in weekly services for some time, saying they were inspired by the

Continued on next page

Chapter One

So you’ve got this, then? Otto says, standing with his hands in the pockets of the torn pants he found in the dumpster of the tea shop last week.

I stare at him with gritted teeth, but he only looks at me blankly. What?

This—he gestures to the beeping machines, my swollen body strapped to the monitors buzzing with their secret tasks, the blood that’s stained the nurse’s glove in a shape that looks like the Arabic letter seen, —it seems like you’ve got it handled, so I’m going to… He makes thumbs-up signs with his hands and tilts them toward the door.

He’s talking in English, but even the nurses have to know he’s leaving me. They’ve probably seen it before, or maybe my life really has reached unprecedented levels of fucked up.

You’re leaving? I yell in Bahasa, and the young nurse’s head snaps up; she’ll learn in time to hide her surprise. How can you possibly leave right now?

Otto comes over to me, his back to the destruction ravaging my lower region.

It’s dead.

"He’s dead," I correct, just to see him wince. But another round of nausea slams my eyes shut, and I miss his reaction.

This is good. Now I can go back to school, and you can go back to…whatever.

As he continues his explanation, his voice gallops ahead like it did when he was high two weeks ago, talking about all the things he’d teach this child of ours: the most artistic method of applying finger paint or the sky map from May 15, its due date, three months from now. Can’t you see, you—we’re—one big cliché, and this is our chance to break it? A sign from God…or you know, whoever.

Whomever. The word dances maniacally in front of my eyelids, gaining speed with each second I hold my breath. The machines beep, loud and angry, sounding vaguely like the bass line in Another One Bites the Dust. The older nurse shushes us.

Let me call someone for you, Otto says, though he knows I have no one here to call.

He strokes one finger down the curve of my shoulder, past the scar he told me was beautiful. I’ve heard so many stories from my parents about how I got it. All lies, probably. How about your dad?

No! I yell, in tears now.

B e a t i n g.

B e a t i n g.

A l l i n m y b o d y.

The good news, according to the cute doctor, is that since the baby is dead, I can have all the pain medication I want. Instead of telling him I always hated the wooziness anyway, that the pills would only make me sick, I was stuck on translating the words he exchanged with Otto about the reason for the silence on the fetal heart rate monitor.

Lex, how do you think you’re going to pay for this? There’s going to be a bill here, and without me, rent. You can’t bike to work tomorrow like normal.

Across the hall, a newborn baby cries. Not mine; even when it was ours, it was always mine.

Not…my father… Call…Cami. I cough out the number of my mother’s best friend, my godmother, Camila. In Arabic, kāmil means perfection. In Roman mythology, she was a warrior. That spirit hurled me over many rough waters during my mother’s life and stayed with me after her death. It’s a spirit I need now, I think, even as my mind tells me I shouldn’t open this door.

I let out the last digit. A mouth-breather in scrubs squirts more liquid into my IV. Soon,

I’m sinking,

sinking,

sinking.

It feels nice—

this nothingness.

The coven (Latin, conventus) of nurses starts bustling again, scurrying about purposefully, running to get the doctor with the Australian-accented English. I hear them tell me to push but I don’t know what that means, the feeling I’m meant to seek. Birthing class is next month.

I concentrate on Otto instead. I want to tell him: I am not a cliché.

You’re not like my father. All girls marry their fathers. See?

Not that we’re married. So maybe, instead, I’m the high-school rebel with that guy from The Breakfast Club. What was his name?

I try to push again, until the absence of cries hushes the room.

My eyelids are heavy, but I raise the right one as if it’s on a crane, millimeter by millimeter, to see if Otto is gone.

That’s when I see it. That little scrunched-up, pruny face that’s all wrong somehow, even wrapped in a blanket like the baby is only sleeping. A nurse offers him to me wordlessly.

I shake my head no and try to unsee what I’ve seen, but the face remains inside my right eyelid, dancing in circles where whomever, my correction for Otto’s grammar, used to be.

A face only a mother could love.

But is that a cliché? An idiom, maybe. Just now, I can’t remember the difference.

I used to know such things.

Is this death? Dying in childbirth? Like a cliché in Victorian England and now, for some Americans?

If I am dying, I might as well be happy. I cycle through my favorite idioms. At least I think they’re idioms.

In Spanish, Buscar la quinta pata al gato. To look for the fifth leg of the cat, or to make something more complicated than it has to be.

In Swedish, Att glida in på en räkmacka. To slide into a shrimp sandwich, or someone who doesn’t need to work hard, like Otto, maybe.

In English, Under the weather. No, you don’t have an umbrella over your head to protect you from rain.

Dr. Australia pats my hand twice. My father used to do the same thing—a gesture of comfort from those who don’t want to touch you. You’re going to be fine, he says.

I want to tell him I don’t care what happens, and because of that, I’ll be fine no matter what. I want to tell him that’s the beauty of not caring, but instead, I remember one of my mother’s threats.

If you have kids, she said, smirking, pausing for emphasis, I hope they are just like you.

Thanks, me too, teenage Lex said, returning her smirk.

You’d probably screw them up anyway.

Probably. The younger Lex slammed a door in her face and ran to her room, where an Italian travel CD still played on the boom box.

Salve! Mi chiamo [LEX]. Sono americano. Un tavolo per uno, per favore.

That door slammed too.

Now, in my drug-infused memories, on the back of the door is a snake I killed at the Crystal Grotto. I offered my mother’s spirit a half-hearted apology there, an apology for being me as much as anything else. Her spirit slips under the bedroom door to join the snake, who seeks revenge by mashing us together in an embrace neither of us enjoys. It’s the longest I’ve been this close to her.

She smells of lavender soap and graphite from the pencil she keeps behind her ear. In life, me ending a fight always annoyed her more than the actual meat of the thing. The same is true in her—our?—death.

While my mother struggles against the snake, I relax into its grip.

Cool as a cucumber.

An idiom.

Chapter Two

You know that period right between waking and sleep? You’re not in a deep sleep, dead to the world, but skipping along the earth’s surface, floating on your back, like in the green-blue waters of Bali. That’s when I always seem to think about the origin of time.

Before time existed, before we could say to each other, I don’t have time for that, or There’s still plenty of time, is this what living felt like?

Many centuries ago, before time, there was only tide. The passage of time marked by the ocean’s unstoppable tides, coming and going, paying no mind to the fragile humans and their short-lived problems. The earth cared only for seasons and eras, not for hours and minutes and seconds. Noontide, Christmastide— these are words I’d like to bring back, because tide (limitless) is much more generous than time (always limited).

I’ve always liked that about linguistics, how one word can send you on a trail through dictionaries, origins, languages, and all the connections between them, overlapping in strange ways. I’ve always loved languages more than the people who speak them.

Eventually, I create a barrier between myself and the nothingness. I divide, like the da- root that eventually led to the English word tide. I open my eyes, if only to prove to myself that I’m still alive.

I’m in a hospital bed in a different, larger, and quieter room. The sun rises over a graveyard out my window where stones jumble and grow together, fight for space, overtake one another, as the bodies below them did on earth. Is this where they’ve taken him? I shake my head, and the image of the scrunched-up half face disappears.

On the table next to the bed sits a stack of books from the beachfront shack that Otto said had good light for an artist’s studio. The tomes I’ve carted from Tennessee to Mexico City to Quito to Bali and everywhere in between. On top are my passport and my rubber band wallet, containing one credit card (mostly for decoration because of my shit credit) and the money I usually don’t dare carry with me. Otto missed most of the places I hid money around the house, I notice without feeling. Or maybe he spent some bribing the nurses when we checked in, hoping for better care for the baby that wouldn’t wait.

From a counter across the room, a crystal vase reflects the window’s light, bouncing it around the ceiling in a dash of blue. An assortment of roses sits in the vase, ordered by Cami, certainly, but in an arrangement of which she would never approve. The white and yellow and pink ones pinch together without artistic direction, as if they’re still held by twine.

I try to get a better look at them, but moving even an inch up feels like a punch in the stomach. The flowers tell me everything I need to know, though. She’s not here; she’s watching me. The hospital bed creaks in alarm as I slither back down under the covers and a nurse comes in.

Good morning, I cough to her, to show my new overlord that I speak Bahasa (enough, anyway), but she doesn’t respond. She sets down a tray with food, jabs her finger at an envelope on it, and then squeaks out in her clogs.

Alone again—perfect. How I like it, I remind myself as I reach for my tabbed, creased, and highlighted Word Origins dictionary and flip to the entry on clogs.

First, a block of wood to impede an animal’s movement, from which the verb meaning to block arose. Reference to wooden shoes in late Middle English.

I could be quite comfortable here. My little room overlooking the graveyard, my books, tea, and free breakfast. As Oscar Wilde wrote, I can be perfectly happy by myself. With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy? A quote I remember from my mother’s office. Ironic, since she was very rarely happy.

After stirring my oats and fruit, I dip my spoon ever so slightly into the bowl. Like I imagined Italian women did with their gelato, oh so elegantly, while I listened to those travel tapes.

I reach for the note, thinking it will be from Otto. An apology, maybe, even though I’m sure he’s already gone. He’s probably on his knees in Germany, begging his parents to let him come back and finish school. I hold on to that image, because I know it won’t take long for me to put him out of my mind entirely. I’m good at that, not thinking about people.

But the note is a printed email from Cami, sent to some random hospital email address. Always the pragmatist, she has written one word to me, a command—Rest. Below that is a one-way ticket from Denpasar, Indonesia, to Memphis, Tennessee, departing on February 25.

My heart begins to race.

Memphis?

Snatches of our conversation during the labor come back to me. The sound of Otto bargaining with Cami on my behalf as if he were speaking underwater. Everyone agreeing—maybe even me—that I should return to Memphis, and as if in a hostage swap, the larger-than-expected bill for the hospital would be paid in exchange, the shack vacated and my books retrieved, my boss informed.

Every ache in my body suddenly demands attention: the burn in my abs from pushing, the soreness in my back. I’m aware for the first time that under the hospital gown, my stomach is still swollen, flabby, lined with stretch marks that seemed beautiful because of their purpose but now mock me with pointlessness.

My spoon is frozen in midair with overcooked oats on it, and I set it down on the tray. How much has Cami thought this through?

I go through the possibilities in my head: grabbing my clothes and my books, running out, screwing the hospital out of the money, using the last of my cash to hop to some other city—somewhere I could forget Bali, forget Otto, forget Bahasa, and learn something new. I’ve always wanted to learn Yoruba, master how the tones turn each word into its own little song. There’s always another English school, always another group of expats.

I don’t want to go to Memphis.

I think about the shack where Otto and I moved three months ago, after his parents cut him off. The box with the blanket where we were going to put the baby. The drawer of maternity clothes and a few German pregnancy books Otto never read.

I picture him leaving the hospital. He would go straight to our house, turn up his terrible German rap, and splatter paint on canvas until he decided what to do next, then slink out of the house, glancing behind him with each step, as if my ghost could follow him. I don’t blame Otto enough to haunt him; I would have done the same thing if I could. If I hadn’t been the one hooked up to the machines, I would be two planes deep by now.

I pick up the spoon and eat the oats, then take another bite, until I’m scraping the sides of the bowl. I drink the water and tea and eat a piece of toast with jelly. The sun finishes its ascent over the graveyard.

What day is it anyway?

It doesn’t matter, I realize. Cami will no doubt have thought of everything, arranged for me to stay, then arranged for me to leave in the quick, effortless way she always does, the exact opposite of my mother and of me. This will be the most civilized getaway I’ve ever made. By far.

That’s when I decide to go. Because if I don’t, it will prompt a hundred more decisions that I don’t want to make, like what to do with the baby’s box and how to tell people what happened, what to do about my job, where to go next. How would I explain this blip? An explanation for myself seems harder to conjure than whatever I would tell the strangers that surround my life.

After making this big decision—to have the baby with Otto, to create for it the type of family I never