Viagra Fools

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Introduction

Whilst writing this book of adventure and verse I have not intentionally set out to undermine or insult any individual, race culture or creed. It is a humorous and sometimes serious account of my own personal experiences and misdemeanours.

This book true to the courage of my convictions and pulls no punches. I have written exactly what I felt at the time whether in a state of anger, sadness or joy, and will not double back and change any of my opinions and points of view.

It begins with my frustration and disillusionment of England, and more to the point London. The writing was on the wall and time for changes in my life. Little did I know of how profound and challenging these changes would turn out to be?

The first section explains in detail certain sequences in my life regarding my health, wealth and happiness.

Slotted in throughout this section are poignant poems appertaining to lying hypocritical Politicians, Banking and Insurance Fat Cats inflicting grief on people living in the UK.

I have always told it like it is and defiantly ignored the politically correctness aspect.

My curse and verse, whether humorous, witty or sad all derive from my own personal experiences and quirky views on life I am far from perfect and do not profess to be. I can laugh at my own shortcomings and welcome humorous criticism and piss taking.

A good percentage of my life has revolved around sitting and watching the world go by in interesting locations. It’s a wonderful thing to indulge in pure unadulterated observation. Then to write about it with freedom of expression and no holds barred.

While here in Thailand on my first visit I met and married a Thai girl. It evolved that she tried every trick in the book to steal my money. In an effort to keep my money safe I entrusted it to my Daughter in England. It later evolved that my Daughter committed an act of treachery and stole a large portion of this money.

I divorced twenty five years ago. It later emerged that my Ex Wife Angela had poisoned my Daughters mind.

After reading my catalogue of classic errors, the sheer Calamity of it all, and the minefields I’ve navigated. I’m sure you’ll agree that I am qualified and indeed justified in writing my thoughts and opinions on Thailand and in Particular Pattaya.

Writing these observations in rhyme, I think accentuates the dangers, the sadness and the joy of living in the extreme and indeed unique city of Pattaya.

Remember Thailand is still a developing country with a great deal of poverty, the rich and poor divide remains, therefore money is number one in Pattaya for one reason and one reason only, and that’s survival. This is an animal instinct that exists in all of us. Some run, some fight for survival, some work and others solicit themselves, cheat and lie. A large percentage of marriages end and all marriages will have different ordeals, portrayals and time spans on its journey to divorce. After the bitterness, loneliness, sexual frustration, and traumas are over, a lonely man and lonely women remain. Life is short;

We will all come to know that.

As a man I draw your attention to a man’s point of view. There are three main criteria in a man’s life to live relatively happy and stress free. Whatever any man says or thinks it cannot be truthfully denied.

Three extremely important boxes to tick!!!

1/ No mortgage and the pressures and obligations attached to the financial stress greedy banks bring down on you.

2/ No more freezing cold winters a warm and sunny climate all year round.

3/ No more rejection and a place where age won’t hold you back, a place with an array of the opposite sex on your door step. A chance to begin a new life and being lonely is a thing of the past. A place such as this does exist and that place is Pattaya.

I ticked these three boxes and VOILA I am in Thailand.

Finally I hope you enjoy this quirky work of mine as it has been written with you in mind.

Patrick Nafzger.

(Poem) I can’t put my finger on it

Something’s changed, big time

Summer of 2006 is no friend of mine.

It just doesn’t feel the same as all of the English summers before.

This saddens me greatly,

I’ve gone from rich to poor.

That glory of summer in London is no more.

This to me is a huge loss of hope.

It’s the stress and financial pressure I’m now unable to cope.

In my later years as the fogginess clears.

Financial fears brought about hidden tears.

Hidden tears to me are nothing new,

I find answers and a vital clue.

Move to a cheaper country with constant sunshine.

A place to buy a home I can truly say is mine.

Seek a new Thai partner in a new Thailand.

Two new moves and life’s potentially grand.

I now feel I shall live happily ever after.

My hidden tears are now tears of laughter.

I know I will miss my family and friends.

But a burden I will not be until my life ends.

A valuable gift I will leave to them to discover.

A work of art the bigger picture they will hopefully uncover.

Explore my thoughts in this word gallery.

May I always be cherished in your memory?

I have made my choice as I think fit.

Now I am able to put my finger on it.

(Poem) Great expectations

Expect sunshine and get rain.

Expect loss and get a gain.

Expect a surge and get a drain.

Expect a minor and get a main.

Expect advance and get a Dwaine.

Expect different and get the same.

Expect accolades and get shame.

Expect a victory and get slain.

Expect cold ice and get burning flame.

Expect crazy and get sane.

Expect failure and get fame.

Expecting things is just mundane.

Expecting things becomes a game.

Expect little and get more.

Of great expectations you can never be sure.

Expect the truth and get fucking lies.

Why does this come as no surprise?

Times when you think you’ve perfected.

But discover flaws that were undetected.

Sometime cast out and misdirected.

Periods when adored and respected.

You didn’t expect to get rejected.

Being wrong and being corrected.

Always expect the unexpected.

(Poem) Automated Over Rated.

I’m getting bad service; I automatically pick up the phone.

It’s a complaint I’m making, so I automatically moan.

What do I automatically get?

You can automatically bet

A fucking automatic tone!

I try to remain calm while my conversation’s conducted.

But straight away I’m automatically interrupted.

It slowly begins to worsen.

I’m not speaking to a person.

I’m speaking to a fucking bastard machine

Voices in my head saying what the fuck do you mean?

The boring monotonous music continues in-between.

Press this button and that button and the star button now.

I’m now mumbling and swearing to an automatic cow.

Press this button for this and press this button for that.

It’s a female voice; go away you stupid automated Pratt.

I’m being pushed from pillar to post.

I need a human being, not a fucking automatic ghost?

After all my efforts sweat and toiling.

I still have no human choice, now my blood is boiling.

Finally I hear the phone click I think I’ve been connected.

Hello I say, are you a real human being?

Is this a fucking miracle I’m seeing?

Don’t shout at me she says there’s no need to get angry.

As if anger isn’t an emotion.

Where do people working for companies get that notion?

If they are there to hear you complain.

A raised voice is normal, or am I insane?

I mustn’t forget a human invented this poxy machine.

Now she’s the one that’s angry but won’t come clean.

I’ve now been on the phone for half an hour.

She is the one that’s holding the power.

Shout once more and I’m cutting you off.

Hello! Hello! Is there anybody there?

I’m paying your fucking wages.

And this complaint is taking fucking ages.

The phone go’s silent and I hear a human being cough.

The Bitch has got the needle and manually cut me off.

I can’t possibly get angrier but then to top it all.

I automatically realize I paid for the fucking call.

It was January 2005. Over the years I have veered away from computers, partly through my fear and ignorance and partly because I felt computers would eventually cause some catastrophic disruption to our planet. But my Son Clark kept urging me, saying I should get one and learn about how to use it. ‘You never know Dad’ he said. You may meet a bird on the internet’ it would also be handy in your business for emails and letters.

Fuck it I thought I’m going for it so I took the plunge and ordered one from Dell.

I slowly got my head around it and became familiar with the whole windows concept.

Whilst living in Brockley, South London it was noticeable that many Black gangs lurch around the Brockley area and I became a victim of them on numerous occasions at my local Coffee haunt Moon bow Jakes. I had two very expensive Mobile phones stolen while I was there. Things were getting out of control around South London mainly with unruly black youths roaming around on pushbikes, riding on the pavements giving no respect or consideration for pedestrians and spreading graffiti on bus shelters and garden walls. Certain gangs were Intimidating and menacing people. My initial predictions of Brockley becoming more affluent and Yuppiefied fell short to say the least.

I was fuming when I had my phones snatched. Many of my most important contacts and dear friends were listed in those phones and I had no backup.

Oh! How these thieving little Bastard’s impose on our life’s. Why? It’s because they can. It was now apparent that the police and government were soaking up hostility and theft like a sponge and fell short of any remedies to rectify the situation.

Since returning from various trips abroad especially Thailand I experienced a stirring change in my outlook on life generally. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but something inside of me had altered, I could neither reject nor regret the changes taking place.

All I do know is that I had reached my tolerance level as far as London was concerned; my book (Explanations from a Londoner) says it all.

I was ready for a drastic change; my next step would be a leap, a leap of faith. Thailand ticked important boxes and although not ideal Mosquito wise, I was quite prepared to give a little blood in that respect.

(Poem) London’s Blood transfusion.

I’m a Londoner born and bred.

But there are something’s that must be said.

Most Londoners feel the way I do.

Like old Mother Hubbard who lives in a shoe.

We have so many immigrants we don’t know what to do.

Over the years I have noticed the changes.

As each political party spins and re arranges.

A loss of order, chaos and total confusion.

Border leaks and we’ve undergone a population transfusion.

Cosmopolitan a term that’s over rated!

Some of our new blood is contaminated.

Many underlying feelings of resentment but?

Political correctness keeps our mouths shut.

Another police station closes we hear.

As we watch our elderly live in fear.

London transport is now old and decayed.

Did any political party come to its aid?

Hospitals in decline and deprivation! Londoners waiting in agony for an operation!

We want treatment in A and E, instead we gat a queue of every nationality.

Our fathers fought for this democracy.

The pressure our schools are constantly under.

Education secretary spun and made a blunder.

English kids must wait and take a back seat.

Education has become a bone with no meat

Most Londoners will understand bend and agree,

But there’s a limit to our flexibility.

London’s pulse is slower because it contains.

Contamination in its veins!

Clogging our system and blowing up our trains.

The heart will stop beating in this over squeezed city,

The bloods pumping around like a jack pot kitty.

It’s full of bad blood and dissolution.

It may be too late for a blood transfusion.

Violence! Anti social behavior and crime,

Graffiti! Attitude! Dirt and slime!

The sad thing is it will only get worse;

London is suffering from a Coronary curse.

Gone are the days when we could relax,

Every which way we turn we are now paying tax.

Working our balls off to cover our bills traveling on transport that over spills.

You can see the stress on people’s faces

Binge drinking, , paper money with Cocaine traces.

Law and order is breaking down.

Why won’t judges put there foot down?

Our country is being led by a clown.

(Poem) CON gestion Charge

Money demanded by way of disguise.

It’s always the motorists they penalize.

I drive around quite innocently.

There are hundreds of cameras following me.

Why don’t they call the CON gestion charge an entrance fee?

We sit by helpless and watch standards sink.

Yet made to feel guilty for saying what we think.

It’s become a crime to travel in a little bit of luxury..

Traffic wardens keep creeping up on me.

Purely to boost a flagging economy.

Why is there never a copper around when there’s a crime?

Yet a traffic warden is on your case all the time.

If traffic wardens are as efficient as Hell.

Why can’t the police force be as well?

It really pisses Londoners off because it simply is not fair.

Politicians, are you fucking listening out there?

(Poem) Not so Petty

Petty theft the police desribe it as.

But its where a life of crime begins.

Nicking mobiles and other small things.

Left unchecked escalation occurs.

Bus shelters smashed and Grafiti painted.

Local property’s left damaged and tainted.

A little older and still breaking the law.

Moving on to nicking cars and drug deals.

Mugging and rape to enhance the thrills.

Bad company kept and reputation to maintain.

Armed robbery, stabbings and shootings follow.

How much more can decent Londoners swallow?

These low life Bastards no doubt move on further.

A member of a family lost, its not so petty now its murder.

(Poem) Face to face

Icy cold wind in my face.

Whole world on my case.

Walking is my preferred pace.

Worry lines abound my face.

Too tired to continue the chase.

Forgotten dreams of silk and lace.

Need nothing less than a small embrace.

Old age staring me in the face.

My loved ones consider me a disgrace.

Up my sleeve I have an Ace.

No more can London be called my place.

I’ll disappear but with a trace.

(Poem) My car

Jealous traffic wardens issue more tickets by far,

Slapped on unfortunate owners of a luxury car.

You can see their fucking faces gleam.

As they slap that ticket on your screen.

The green monster rises and then wardens strike.

Why should someone own this when I ride a bike?

All going on in front of London motorists eyes,

And we get fucking angry, there’s a surprise?

Penalization on the pretext of obstruction?

What about all the muggings, robbery, crime and corruption?

Someone said if you’re tired of London you’re tired of life.

Bollocks to that saying that’s what I say

It was a Londoner that said it and he’s gone away.

Over the years I have written verse about poignant incidents that have taken place throughout my life. Twenty years of diaries tucked away in a chest. It was now time to get them out and write them on paper and print them.

This was going to be quite a mammoth task and I felt both anxious and excited. So I got to work and extracted and collated what tantamount to being a great deal of my life story.

Having now extracted all my hand written material I was able to dispose of my diaries. I soon became quite capable on my P C and felt confident enough to start writing my memoirs on manuscript.

I soon gained enough knowledge to write and do emails. I then ventured into downloading. I became efficient about going on line with dating agencies and surfing the web. My attraction for Oriental girls was always apparent, so I joined a dating agency in Thailand.

I could not believe how many beautiful young women were available and did not care at all about age differences. They were looking for a good heart and honesty and of course, being from a poor country they wanted someone to take care of them.

I soon went on line with many and chatted on Web Cam. It didn’t take long before I decided to go to Thailand and check this country and culture out.

After joining a website Asian Euro, this was a dating Website designed to bring east and west together.

I began chatting to various girls, mainly to get my head around how it all works. Eventually I met a girl who I thought seemed very nice. Of course at the chat room stage it was all typed communication and I had not yet heard her voice or seen her. She kept making excuses about how she couldn’t afford a phone that alone a camera. As most of the Asian girls were scamming money from Westerners, I thought this was a ploy for me to send her money. Anyway she starts telling me that she loves me and can’t live without me. I said hey! Hold on a minute, slow down. She at this stage did not have one photo she could email to me.

This was drifting on for a while and I became more and more suspicious of her until at last she confessed she was a man. She/he cried and begged me to come out to Thailand and meet her; she said we could make it work. Firstly I reminded her that she had a dick, and then I told her that the whole time we chatted; everything was based on a lie.

She wasted both our times and that if she wanted a relationship with someone she should start by being honest telling the truth. Now fuck off

It was obvious that many of the Asian girls on line were not genuine. What you saw was not what you get. False photos, scamming for money, family ill, ailing buffalo, school fees. Just some of the excuses they used after a while, all to extract money from the lonely, vulnerable Westerner. Eventually after skating around all the dodgy girls I met Nucheree on the net.

Nucheree spoke fairly good English, sometimes with the aid of a portable electric language converter and was from Thailand, but working in Hong Kong for a Chinese family. We chatted often and became close, I was eager to meet her and check her out; I needed to see her body, so I asked her to wear a swim suit when she next went on the Web Cam. She did this willingly and after some gentle persuasion she also removed her swim suit. So there we were, six thousand miles apart, never actually met and dangling our naughty bits to each other in gay abandon.

We were both exited and turned on so we continued to get ruder and ruder, Showing explicit poses, gestures and masturbating on screen until we both came. So this was Web Cam Sex? (I fucking liked it)

I thought it was about time I made my first trip to Thailand, It seemed the most vibrant place to be so I arranged a flight to Bangkok to meet Nucheree.

This was in April of 2005. She flew from Hong Kong to Bangkok, so some of her family were also at Bangkok waiting to meet her. I hated the flight; I just could not get to sleep and remained uncomfortable and fidgety during the whole journey.

When I exited the plane it was literally like walking into an oven. I thought to myself, ‘fucking hell Bangkok airport is like a mad house’, I found a bar and just sat back had a cigarette and tried to relax. I was feeling very intrigued and nervous waiting for Nucheree’s flight to arrive and she finally showed up and I got to see her in the flesh. She had four relatives with her.

My first impression was that she was shorter than I expected, but all in all she was nice. I had pre booked a hotel for Nucheree and me. We all then set off in her family Pick Up and drove for three hours.

On the rear seat during the drive I gave her a few pecks on her lips and fondled her nipples off and on for the whole journey. We eventually found our destination and both suitably aroused entered into The Pattaya Park Hotel in Jomtien. We were both by then tired but very eager to say goodbye to her family and get up to the hotel room for sex.

Yeah! It was good and horny but I had nagging doubts about her and soon realised that this affair had no legs and would soon fizzle out on my part. I have to be honest and admit I had already seen far nicer girls in abundance at the Airport and I needed to slow down. Problem was, Nucheree fell in love with me and I found it hard to tell her that it just did not feel right for me.

What took place with Nucheree was my first insight on how quickly Thai girls attach themselves to you. I too had fallen in love, not with Nucheree, but with Thailand. I returned home to London and planned a return trip for June. I went back to the chat rooms on line and linked up with a pretty little thing (Maew) who lived in Udon thani and just in case for back up, another girl equally as nice named Songsi.

So here I was back in Thailand in June 2005 and met Maew at the Bus station. I knew from the word go that this was a non starter, she was not for me. She was shy, too young and had no conversation. There was no use in prolonging the matter so we said our goodbyes and parted.

I phoned my back up girl Songsi and met her at my hotel, Hotel Welcome in Jomtien in Pattaya. She was a lovely girl and good company. Again though, I still felt she was not for me. We spent a few perfect days together and made love often. On the surface Songsi was a lovely genuine girl, fairly intelligent and a good sense of humour.

The only off putting thing was her oily skin and some prominent spots around her mouth. These were not five minute pimples but stubborn life long blemishes, seeing so many luscious girls roaming around I could afford to be fussy. I made my decision and sadly for Songsi we parted.

Things looked promising sex wise though; I had more sex in Pattaya in the last two weeks than the six months before in London. I grew more and more interested in buying a place in Thailand as the value for money aspect and the all year round climate was incredible.

On my previous visit I met Pimpessa; she was an Estate Agent and spoke perfect English. I asked to see certain properties she had on her books and I fell in love with some Thai Bali Villas that were being built in Viewtalay Marina, Jomtien. Pimpessa urged and nudged me into making a decision there and then. Reluctantly I put a ten thousand pound non returnable deposit on a four bed roomed dream home. I arranged that the stage payments be prolonged as I had to dispose of property in London in order to finance the purchase. But things did not work out with this particular house. My finances were not in place yet.

I own fifty percent of potentially a very valuable plot of land in Camberley, Surrey and I was being guided by my son in law. He has Estate Agency’s in Rickmansworth, Hertfordshire and deals in Land. He said he had a buyer for the land and more or less intimated that it was a done deal. There was a lot of incoming money involved with the land deal so I parted with my ten thousand pound deposit for the Thai House. I realised I jumped in far too quickly.

My Son in laws potential buyer fell through and it turned out that he was building false hopes and talking bollocks. (As per norm) the deposit on the Viewtalay Marina House was non returnable so I lost it. (Ouch!) Peeved is not a strong enough word for how I felt. None the less, it was my judgment and therefore my mistake.

By now I had made up my mind that Thailand was a very affordable place to retire and live a good quality of life. I took stock of my life more often now as I was approaching sixty. OOPS! I had not made a very good start being in another country.

I was ten thousand pounds down but I was confident of my ability and recuperating any losses by buying another property at a discount price.

Up until now I still owned a Luxury Apartment in Cannes in the South of France. This apartment in Cannes was financially draining me because of the mortgage and the service charges. It was stupid paying out large sums of money for maintenance purely for a one bed room Apartment that I didn’t use that often. I owned property in London, all of which were mortgaged and for the last fifteen years I had to share my own private living accommodation to Flat Sharers. Even during relationships with Alicja, and Vanessa two of my long term girlfriends, I had to endure other people in my domain. It was very necessary at the time to prop up my income and to support my Son Clark and my Daughter Wendy.

I was utterly pissed off with living in that shared environment and wanted big changes at this stage in my life. I wanted and needed to own my own house outright. No more mortgage pressure and stress. No more strangers in my Living Room. No more sleazball tenants. Also another aspect of my life was far from perfect. I was without a woman in my life, my encounters with various women in London were disasters and I needed a regular woman in my life.

Where better a place to meet one than in Thailand? In my mind Thailand ticked the three most important boxes that were suited to me, women, money and a warm climate. I could own outright a four bed roomed house with private pool. At last! A place where I could invite all my family for holidays and a place I could live relatively worry free. More importantly a place I could leave a legacy to