Essential Jokes: For Ice Breaking Moments

ISBN: 9781626759237

Introduction

There is a reason I compiled this book of humour, and it’s a good one.

Ever since I can remember, humour has always been an ice breaker for me for two big and important reasons. It is for me an essential tool to use in career and social situations.

If you have read my book Explanations from a Londoner you will have discovered that I write not just on an interest point of view, but in an advisory capacity.

In my earlier years I was in the sales field and from the moment of making someone laugh you have them on your side. Most businesses are about selling and anyone in business knows that you have to sell yourself before the product. It’s all about timing and slipping a joke in when the opportunity arises. Once done, the rewards are firstly self satisfaction knowing someone laughing because of you, and secondly, let’s face it. In this stress ridden world it feels damn good to laugh. Just as important Humour can break the ice in a boy meets girl situation. Being funny attracts and can win over the opposite sex in a blink. Look at any dating statistics and sense of humour wins hands down. So humour can arguably solve two of the biggest and most important criteria in our lives. And in this day and age that has to be relationships and money. Laughter is contagious and often described as a medicine for the soul.

This book is intended to arm you with a very important weapon. So read a few jokes at a time, learn them off by heart. (No one likes a joke when it falls flat because the teller forgets the plot.) Once you’re armed with humour, you have the ability to go out and conquer the world.

Warning

If you can’t take a joke do not read this book.

Whilst compiling this book of humour and verse I have not intentionally set out to undermine or insult any individual, race culture or creed.

Remember laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

For my family, friends and loved ones.

You’ve gotta laugh

If there was a shred of doubt the world is totally insane, this will remove it. Only Divine intervention can restore us to sanity.

This says it all..... .

Pythagoras’ Theorem: .........................24 words.

>>>> Lord’s Prayer: .......................................... 66 words.

Archimedes’ Principle: ..................................67 words.

Ten Commandments: ............................179 words.

Gettysburg Address: .............................286 words.

US Declaration of Independence: .........1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:...................7,818 words.

EU Regulations on the Sale of CABBAGES: ..................26,911 words

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ’ without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category.

Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing It’s a Beautiful Morning even when it’s not.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the wh...ole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT??!! What was that?!

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That’s fine, honey.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I don’t feel like it.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?"

I then said honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade…

So remember this story the next time …

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?

We’re taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!

Continental? exclaimed the hairdresser. That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?

We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.

Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.

We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.

That’s rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

It was wonderful, explained the woman, not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.. And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!

Well, muttered the hairdresser, that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.

Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.

Oh, really! What’d he say?

He said: Who fucked up your hair?

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.

Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, No, I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.

The milkman asked, Do you want it pasteurized?

The blonde said, No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!

The teacher asked the class to use the word ’fascinate’ in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, ’My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’

The teacher said, ’That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ’fascinate, not fascinating’.

Sally raised her hand. She said, ’My family went to see Rock City and I was ’fascinated.’

The teacher said, ’Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ’fascinate.’

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ’fascinate’, so she called on him.

Johnny said, ’My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.

If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can’t even change a TV channel...

Normally a man speaks 25000 words a day and a woman speaks 30000. But the problem starts when the husband comes home from work after finishing his 25000 words and the wife is just getting started with her 30000!

Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of a website.

You don’t understand it but you still accept it.

Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband;

the poor king can take only one step at a time .

While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

Why do most Indian women request for the same husband, in the next life -

how can you let such good training go to waste?

All Men are Brave, Horror Movies don’t scare them....But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ...surely does

What’s Checkmate? You tell your wife I saw a lady, looked exactly like you & wife asks WAS SHE HOT..??

You can’t say ’No’ and you can’t say ’Yes’ – now that’s Checkmate!

STOCK MARKET EFFECT:

Depressed Husband to his fat wife: "You are my only investment, that has doubled.’’

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies: Mom, I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties? She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he’s not getting lucky that night...

The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.

She looks at him and asks: What’s with this black condom?

He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

A burglar broke into a house one night, he shined his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said Jesus knows your here. He nearly jumped out of his skin, flicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more he relaxed and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out, as clear as a bell he heard Jesus is watching you.

Startled he shined his flashlight around looking for the source of the voice. ’Finally in the corner of the room his flashlight beam came to rest on a Parrot.

Did you say that he whispered to the Parrot?

Yes said the Parrot I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you. The burglar once again relaxed, huh! Who in the world are you?

Moses replied the Parrot, the burglar laughed, Moses? What kind of people would name a bird Moses? The same kind of people that call their Rottweiler Jesus.

I am only writing this to those I believe have the mental capacity to Comprehend the meaning of these statements. It requires the real deep Thinker to grasp the following.

Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can Die.

Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks,

Months, maybe years.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow. ...and as someone recently said to me: Don’t worry about old age; it Doesn’t last that long.

A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?

No, I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless man replied.

Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food? the man asked.

Are you NUTS!?! replied the homeless man. I haven’t played golf in 20 years!

Well, said the man, I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.

The homeless man was astounded. Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, It’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.

The patient gradually wakes up stiff as a plank in the hospital’s ICU, tubes up nose and down his throat, wires monitoring every function and all around his head, with one hell of a pain over his left ear - with a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

It was obvious he had been in a serious accident.

She leaned over, looked at the patient and slowly said; You may not feel anything from the waist down. He managed to mumble a reply, Can I feel your tits, then?"

NOW THAT’S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, Maa’m, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.

She replies, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.

I dialled a number and got the

Following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.

I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around,

you’re not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children, Are all these kids yours?

The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

Mom he asked, are these my brains?

Not yet, she replied.

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

When my wife and I go out we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!

I got this text from my brother recently.

It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol’ lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!

Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

Sorry for not calling you in New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the hell out of this idiot at a party. In my defence…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

The morality of dishonesty Robbers entered a bank in a small town.

One of them shouted: Don’t move! The money belongs to the bank. Your lives belong to you.

Immediately all the people in the bank laid on the floor quietly and without panic.

This is an example of how the correct wording of a sentence can make everyone change their view of the world.

One woman laid on the floor in a provocative manner.

The robber approached her saying, Ma’am, this is a robbery not a rape. Please behave accordingly.

This is an example of how to behave professionally, and focus on the goal.

While running from the bank the youngest robber (who had a college degree) said to the oldest robber

(who had barely finished elementary school): Hey, maybe we should count how much we stole?

The older man replied: "Don’t be stupid. It’s a lot of money so let’s wait for the news on TV to find out

how much money was taken from the bank."

This is an example of how life experience is more